#and I made it through without disassociating! that’s a huge win right! right? but …..

[hobisexually]

x

[lynkhart]

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

[doomonfilm]

Ranking : David Lynch (1946-present)

Film is definitely an art, and yet, it seems to be distinct from other forms of visual art such as painting or sculpture.  Perhaps that is what makes David Lynch such a fascinating director, as he has the ability to tap into the surreal stimulus often found in the most famous paintings and transform it into brain-bending moments on film.  Whether it his fear-fueled fascination with fatherhood present in his debut film Eraserhead, his ruminations on Hollywood society present in Inland Empire, or any of the stopping points in-between, it’s safe to say that David Lynch sits in the rarified air of directors like Ingmar Bergman, Alejandro Jodorowsky and the other few who can turn film into something deeper, more visceral and more meaningful.

With one of the most unique collections of films credited to his name, including a couple of curveballs in the early portion of his career, ranking the films of David Lynch is as perplexing as it is entertaining... so, without further ado, we attempt to climb that hill.  I’m not even going to pretend that I can break down all of the symbolism and meanings of these films, but I can give my honest opinion about them.

10. Dune (1984) For a film that is supposed to be such a science-fiction gem, it’s a bit funny that nobody can seem to make a coherent, entertaining version of Dune.  After nearly 15 years in pre-production hell (and three iconic names attached to versions of the production), the film landed in the laps of Dino De Laurentiis and Ridley Scott, but after another extended period delaying production, Scott bowed out, leaving the door open for David Lynch to step in.  For what it’s worth, he did bring a huge list of names to the project, but the fact that the directing credit for Dune belongs to the throwaway pseudonym Alan Smithee should clue in any perceptive viewer that the project may not be one that Lynch cares to stand behind.

9. Inland Empire (2006) David Lynch isn’t the type of director that revisit ground he’s already covered, which is what makes Inland Empire (the seemingly final film from Lynch) such a confusing choice.  Had this film not been released after a five year gap between it and the stellar Mullholland Drive, another film that focuses on the dark underbelly of Hollywood, fame and the tolls of the acting craft, perhaps it would hit a little different to me.  That’s not to say that the film isn’t good, as it is definitely a slight adjustment from the style that Lynch basically trademarked, but when a director like Lynch experiments on what feels like general principle, it makes experiments that feel like a step backward lose impact.

8. Lost Highway (1997) Technically, you could count all of the Lynch “mystery” films as noir in some capacity, but Lost Highway feels like a direct skewing of what we know as the traditional noir structure.  At its core, the film is a simple murder mystery, but it doesn’t take long for the Lynch signatures to begin appearing in every form from a mysterious, unnamed character to our protagonist literally changing into another person with no base explanation provided.  Perhaps the latter choice was a look into split personalities and the disassociated nature that can come with brutal crimes... as I said before, I’m not here to try and decode the David Lynch mystery.  While Lost Highway serves as a good entry point into the David Lynch catalog, it sits on the back half of the rankings due to no fault of its own... it’s more of a situation where the other mysteries are so stellar, that even the strange seems simplistic by comparison.

7. The Straight Story (1999) If you played a game of “one of these things is not like the other” with the films of David Lynch, it would not be difficult to make a winning choice, as The Straight Story is clearly the most accessible and standard of all the Lynch fare.  What the film lacks in oddness and style, however, is more than made up for in terms of heart and performance.  The use of a lawnmower as the main source of travel allows for some beautiful landscape cinematography, and the sheer force of will exhibited by Richard Farnsworth pays off in spades when he is reunited with Harry Dean Stanton.  If you’re looking for something creepy, eclectic and mind-warping from Lynch, there are plenty of other films to choose from, but if you are looking for an excuse to shed a tear or two, this is the film for you.

6. The Elephant Man (1980) It’s funny to think that if not for The Straight Story, the Joseph Merrick biopic The Elephant Man would serve as the most normal film of the Lynch canon.  This sophomore film dialed back on the abstractions present in Eraserhead, but it brought some extraordinary makeup and costuming to the table, not to mention it gifted viewers with a powerfully moving performance from John Hurt.  Though memorable in its own right, the film really made its mark by tying Raging Bull at the 53rd Academy Awards, garnering eight nominations (and sadly losing in all categories, going home empty-handed).  The backlash for the Academy’s lack of giving The Elephant Man special praise for its makeup effects also led to the creation of a Best Makeup award for the Oscars.  It is quite possible that the combination of shock from Eraserhead in tandem with the skill and prowess shown in The Elephant Man opened all of the creative control doors for David Lynch, as not even Dune could derail his career and artistic oddness. 

5. Blue Velvet (1986) While Twin Peaks is where I first heard the name David Lynch, it was Blue Velvet where I first got a taste of why Lynch was held in such high regard.  The suburban paradise presented in the opening credits is immediately shattered by the discovery of a random ear, and the weirdness rabbit-hole gets deeper and deeper from that point on.  The classic look of the film stands in powerfully beautiful contrast to the extreme darkness of the narrative, and Dennis Hopper turned it all the way up to 11 for his performance in the film.  If Lost Highway serves as the best introductory film for those curious about Lynch, then Blue Velvet serves as a good midpoint to determine how much weirdness, abrasiveness and shock you can handle in a Lynch film.

4. Mulholland Drive (2001) I really and truly do not know where to begin with this insane rollercoaster ride of a film.  The first time I watched this film, I thought I had everything figured out, every mystery solved and every bait and switch identified, but upon repeat viewings of Mullholland Drive, I’ve determined that I either had a brief moment of harmonic brilliance or I was fooling myself.  The film makes sense at its root, if really and truly dissected, but when taken at face value and in real time, it’s almost impossible not to get completely lost in the sheer immersive nature of everything thrown at you.  Naomi Watts is brilliant as the viewer guide through the film, and it’s good that she is so powerful in her lead role and guiding task, because Mullholland Drive is not afraid to get downright bonkers on more than one occasion.  While films about the trappings of Hollywood and stardom are nothing new, I’m hard pressed to think of another film that approaches these in a manner even remotely close to that of Mullholland Drive. 

3. Wild at Heart (1990) Quite possibly the most enjoyable of all the David Lynch films, despite some downright brutal moments of celebratory violence sprinkled throughout.  The combination of Nicolas Cage and Laura Dern is nothing short of electric, and the presence of Willem Dafoe as antagonist is the perfect spark to ignite an already volatile mixture of leads.  The energy level of this film starts on ten and only continues to rise as the film progresses.  If/when I ever get the chance to program theater showings, I am putting this film on a double bill with Natural Born Killers immediately.  While I can’t say that Wild at Heart is my favorite David Lynch film, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it’s my favorite Lynch film to gush about with other fans.

2. Eraserhead (1977) More often than not, directors the caliber of David Lynch have stunning debut films to their name, and Lynch certainly exploded onto the scene with a gamebreaker in the form of Eraserhead.  Upon first viewing, there is enough “WTF?!” going on to confuse most people, but for those brave enough to watch the film more than once, it becomes painfully obvious that all of the madness and shocking imagery on display is a clear metaphor for Lynch’s fear of fatherhood.  The simple act of taking a fear that resonates with most humans and turning it into the equivalent of a black and white bad drug trip works perfectly, and Jack Nance’s iconic look and performance are almost recognizable enough to know without knowledge of the film.  Eraserhead is one of those films that leaves you different than you were prior to watching it.

1. Twin Peaks : Fire Walk with Me (1992) In all honesty, was there every any doubt that Twin Peaks : Fire Walk with Me wouldn’t be in the top spot?  Of all the properties that the David Lynch name is connected to, none of them have even come remotely close to touching the sheer size of the lore and fandom that has emerged from this modern day masterpiece.  The story of the high school princess with deep, dark secrets to hide is not new territory, but the way that Lynch handles it all with Twin Peaks takes the familiar to all new realms of weirdness, including the creation of iconic places and characters like the Black Lodge, the Log Lady, the production mistake that created the infamous Bob, and the eternally iconic Laura Palmer, and oh yeah, the film’s not half bad either.  I doubt that David Lynch ever had any intention of reaching the heights of fame that Twin Peaks : Fire Walk with Me afforded him, but it would be dumb to think that he isn’t impressed with the magnitude of the world he created based on that single idea for a film.

[theindigomillennialchronicles]

Blog Entry 6

08/30/2021

10 days ago marked the 2 year anniversary of the death of my best friend of 11 years. She was born 03/11/1996, died 08/20/2019, right before the pandemic started rampaging. Writing that word, “died”…it’s hard. Harder to say. It’s been a rough time since then. I went into the pandemic already severely depressed, anxious and grieving for her loss. Then I got reinjured at work and fell behind on bills because my doctor didn’t properly fill out a document so my 7 months worth of worker’s compensation claims were denied. A lot has happened. I mean A LOT. I know nobody actually reads this blog. I use it more for a place to vent and make order of the emotional soup and rampaging mess that are my thoughts. I’ve spoken to 3 therapists in that time and all of them recommended I should go to a psychiatrist, that I might need to be medicated. Unfortunately all of that is expensive and I fell so far behind on my bills from the 7 months of no income that everything I started earning once I got cleared to return to work, I used to catch up as much as I could. I ended my marriage in 2019 as well. The loss of Lash (my bff) made me realize how short life is and how one day I could die, seemingly out of nowhere and have never cared about my happiness. I had to be selfish for a time, I had to choose me and in that process I realized something about myself. I’m polyamorous. Maybe I’ll get into all that in the next blog entry.

Not everything that has happened has been negative, however. After 7 year of destroying my body and mental health, I quit my federal job and decided to start over somewhere new. I’m moving to the country and am going to start my dream of building a self sufficient homestead. Getting into all those details would entitle an entirely different blog so I’ll move past that to the biggest blessing I have received. Sometime through my time being separated and decide to focus on me I met her. We met at the club, she asked me for my number, and for someone severely introverted that gets you points. Anyway I gave her my info that night and six months later, I asked her to be my girlfriend on a camping trip. Being polyamorous is weird sometimes. To experience the heartbreak of ending a marriage while experiencing he high of falling in love with someone new made me feel like I was going insane. At times guilty as if I was wrong, but after all this time to be home and do research, educate myself and speak to others like me, I learned that it was normal and it would all fall into place with time. Spoiler, it did.

Fast forward to today, I’m writing again, my mental health is still a struggle but I’ve cleared the mind space enough to remember my passions. I have project ideas and new ways to share infinite consciousness with those around me. September 1st we are leaving on our long road trip north to a new adventure, and the best part is I for once feel safe and like I’m not carrying the weight of the world and it’s responsibilities alone. She showed me a new kind of love. I’m beyond grateful to have her in my life.

So that’s what I have been up to…anyway, now that we got that over with I have some of those random thoughts to share. I started reading a revised version of the Gnostic Bible and it pushed me to these random thoughts. See, I’ve always felt this weird fear with religion. I mean apart from the trauma of growing up in a aggressively Pentecostal household, as an adult religion makes a weird dark feeling crawl up my spine. According to the Gnostics, the god of the christian bible is actually the bad son of the actual real life force energy and this planet was created out of envy and jealousy. Making it the reason why this world is so full of darkness, pain and anguish. They say we were imprisoned in this physical form by a him as a way to try and harness the energy our souls carry. The way to salvation being knowledge, not as in book smart but as in true infinite wisdom. The knowledge of ourselves, past present future all connecting us to the real creator.

I’m still working on finishing the book but just the bit I read opened up a whole new can of worms because lately I’ve been feeling off. My existential crisis has been flaring, I find myself disassociating a lot or going about my days in a fog. I hear things when nothing is there and I’ve been absorbing people’s emotions too much for my own good. I get random moments of extreme sadness on days when my morning went great. Idk how my gf deals with it but she’s been keeping me grounded. She has bpd, and adhd so she has her own battles to fight and I always help her as I should, we keep each other above water, yet I feel most days she’s better of without me, not because I’m no good but because I feel like I wont ever feel normal, like I don’t belong in this reality. There’s a darkness about this dimension. IDK wtf is going on but people are walking around empty eyed, I guess a pandemic will do that to us.

I’m not giving up, don’t worry, but I keep feeling like a huge change is coming and if I don’t do something about my noggin I’ll miss out on being a apart of the shift that is nearing. In my opinion we’ll either be the generation that changes this planets course or, we’ll let the dark forces win and cause us to be so busy fighting with one another to try and stop the train of humanity which is barreling down the tracks towards a cliff that will toss us right off the edge of existence. Millennials and GenZ are creating a lot of noise currently, I’m proud. I just wish more of us would stick to it instead of just posting when it’s viral. I’ve decided that being as my social anxiety is so bad, I’ll start working on my grain of salt by using my creative energy. I’ll try to build a platform, a stage where I can express myself and educate through the communication noise of 1s and 0s that is the internet.

I’ve been told that the best thing to do to fight low frequencies and pain is to produce alot of love energy. So I’ll start there. As always remember I am here. If you need an ear or someone to tell happy things to. Maybe that’ll help. Maybe hearing your good will help me appreciate mine more. I’ll be back tomorrow. I have a project to get started. I have dreams of an audiobook series. I decided to stop letting it stay a dream.

Much love. Day

[thegreatlarryfisherman]

The Parallel Is Painful. The Progress is Powerful.

It's the inner demons knocking again. I had to write this for my future self.. because days like today, I won't always be able to pinpoint this feeling.

This is an awful thing to say but lately, it's felt like kicking all over again and I wasn't ready to feel that.. reality. That twinge. I'm okay. Sobriety still in tact obviously, but the feeling is a very specifically triggering one that replays those sweat filled nights in the back of my eyelids when I go to sleep. I can finally look into the eyes of my siblings and I love them so much, but my brother took my hands before he left. And he said "Please don't get depressed again." It was unexpected and I tried to sort of just allow the information to process, you know? We had been laughing and taking pictures before that, they were on their way out the door when suddenly he goes, "You have your own place.. You live on your own. No one thought this would happen." And he hugged me, and was like "Don't cry after we leave. Just don't get depressed again."

We took a bunch more pictures, and they leave.. and I was okay for a minute.. but then it hit me. Like, fuck. It's like when I get that sudden urge to text one of my friends and tell them I love them because in my brain, I'm seeing what could happen. I was at a point, living in my own place and.. getting fucked up in the bathroom with my family in the living room of my huge ass apartment really thinking I was thriving and doing the best. I know I have moments where I can see me back in the position I was in when I first tried to live on my own. I didn't have a job, I didn't have photography, I didn't have anything but a lease, a boyfriend, and a grocery list of problems. I was fucked up everyday and trying to stay upright through the evening. My family would make surprise visits to see me and I would be tensed up until I could get a minute to myself to drown out that dead look behind my eyes. Trying to keep this facade up that I was important and that I was a good person. That was eleven fucking years ago.

I went to bed last night, with guilt. Because my older brother, my best friend, you know.. Is scared for me. Begging me to stay mentally sound. I could see the tears in his eyes, my car battery was acting finicky, he didn't even want me to drive him home, because he was scared I'd be on the highway alone. He looked so fucking concerned and in the back of my head, I'm like "Dude Chill. My Buick broke down every time I drove anywhere. This is nothing for me."

It really hit me this morning, this is what he was saying on New Years Eve. I was driving him back to his girlfriend's house and he frowned, looked over at me, and asked: "You're going to spend the New Year alone?" He tried so hard to get me to come home with him.

It's because I've never been alone. It's confusing for my folks, they're used to when I am alone, I'm fucked up. I can't think straight, I can't stand the boredom. I can't be alone with my thoughts. I was so fucking scared that I couldn't be alone, that I just kept getting into relationship after relationship. Crying because I was afraid shit wasn't going to get better, living with my grandparents because I knew it was what was best for me. I was genuinely scared to trust myself to carry myself with control.

So much has changed in ten years. The first five, I was building.. Then that year hit with my granddad and I just.. cancelled the existence of me that let the demons win.. That disassociated me from anything other than work and trying super fucking hard to not end up alone. I think back to the day I realized, I needed to get my shit together-- after I'd gotten wasted and called my ex, black out drunk and begged him to take me back. I was so fucking afraid of being alone and battling the demons of stuff.. Being sleepless, having flashbacks, etc. And I was lucky then. I had roommates, I had my ex who was still my friend, I eventually got into a relationship and I was stable and very calm for a long time. Until the relationship started falling apart and I just wanted to know what was so wrong with me.. Why I was going to end up inevitably alone again? After all the nights I couldn't even fall asleep because I'd have anxiety attacks and have to be held until they stopped.

Moving here, being alone, I wasn't stable at first. Not mentally, not emotionally, not at all. But I'd already learned to stop running from my problems and to be more open about them, so I just kinda put that professional determination to just stay focused.

Now, finally, almost two years later, a year after I got out of my last toxic relationship, I am trying to cope with understanding that.. The way I was living.. It wasn't as bad as it was before sobriety, but it wasn't right. I lost my sense of self preservation. I was living fully off of survival. It took a while to process that, come down from it, and understand that survival isn't a healthy way of living. It's not gonna leave you happy. You've gotta work through shit. My siblings.. They love me, and it's taking a lot of mental fortitude to accept that because I'd been separated from them for so long. I feel guilty for knowing that the thought of them just now finally understanding who I was when they thought I had it all together, and who I am now are the same person-- just rid of all the toxins.

The fear in my older brother's eyes as he watches me navigate being a healthy independent person who can be alone breaks my heart and holds that guilt to me. That remorse.. and it never occurred to me, that he was always saying we're the same... That I've never seen him out of a relationship for an extended period of time without multiple suicide attempts because he can't cope with the stresses of what we went through as kids.. He can't process that trauma, he needs love to keep him stable. So when I looked at him, and he looked at me.. We kinda zeroed into the mirror for a second, and when he smiled at me.. I knew. He's proud of me. More proud than I can be of myself right now because stepping back, I see the scope of ten years. I'm underwhelmed by the process because had I never been so determined to escape my problems in the first place, you can only imagine the shit I could've achieved by now. My therapist says that it will take practice and determination for me to accept that trauma helped shape the lifestyle I led, and that most people who are trying to survive.. Don't recognize what circumstance they've put themselves through and that some people never realize it.

It's supposed to be a good thing but guilt has been a constant lately. I don't want my family to worry about me. Especially considering how much we've all been through. I'm the second oldest and me getting my shit together means if/when my younger siblings or even my older one gets a grip of like.. shame and self destruction for what we were put through as kids, I want them to have someone they can look at and say, "Hey, my sister made it through this. So can I."

Even as I'm underwhelmed at how slow this process of making my dreams come true is because money is such a fucking obstacle and I can only make it so fast while still maintaining balance and health and eating.. I know for the first time in a long time that every time I said "I hope one day it all makes sense..." that it makes more sense now than ever.

There's a purpose beyond myself and that achievement is on the other side of this sinking guilt I get everyday waking up. I can get past that and I don't need to be wedged into healing someone else in a relationship to rid myself of that guilt. It's something I have to process on my own.

[oscopelabs]

The Cat Who Won’t Cop Out: Shaft as the ‘70s Black Superhero by Jason Bailey

(The following essay is excerpt from Jason’s new book, It’s Okay With Me: Hollywood, the 1970s, and the Return of the Private Eye.)

The first thing John Shaft (Richard Roundtree) does in Gordon Parks’ Shaft, after emerging from a Times Square subway station below the grindhouse movie theaters that would eventually and enthusiastically screen his adventures, is walk into New York City traffic (Shaft can’t be stopped, even by Eighth Avenue) and flip off the driver who gets too close to him. Meet your new action hero, Middle America; here is his message to you.

Shaft came early in the so-called “blaxpoitation” movement—a period, running roughly from 1970 to 1975, that saw an explosion of films made for, about, and often by African-Americans. This was an underserved audience; with the exception of independent “race picture” makers like Oscar Micheaux and Spencer Williams, their stories simply weren’t told onscreen, and they certainly weren’t told by mainstream studio films, which consigned black performers to subservient roles (or worse). The winds started to shift in the 1960s, when Sidney Poitier became a bankable name and Oscar-winning star, but he was the exception to the rule. It wasn’t until football star-turned-actor Jim Brown leveraged his supporting turn in the 1967 smash The Dirty Dozen into bona fide action hero status that this untapped swath of moviegoers, hungry for entertainment and representation, began to make itself known.

1970 saw the release of two very big (and very different) hits: Ossie Davis’ high-spirited crime comedy Cotton Comes to Harlem, and Melvin Van Peebles’ provocative, X-rated (“by an all-white jury!” boasted the ads) Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song. Peebles’ film was, essentially, the black Easy Rider, a rough-edged road movie with a decidedly European sensibility that grossed something like $15 million on a $150K budget, a return on investment so huge, the (flailing) studios couldn’t help but take notice.

Shaft was next down the chute. Adapted by Ernest Tidyman—who also wrote that year’s Best Picture winner The French Connection—from his 1970 novel, the film was helmed by Gordon Parks, the influential photographer who’d made his directorial debut in 1969 with the autobiographical The Learning Tree. MGM gave him a modest $1 million budget; model-turned-actor Roundtree was paid a mere $13,500 to play the title role. (Isaac Hayes was among the actors who auditioned, and though Parks passed on his acting, he hired Hayes to compose and perform the picture’s iconic funk score.)

“Shaft essentially was a standard white detective tale enlivened by a black sensibility,” wrote Donald Bogle, in his essential Toms, Coons, Mulattoes, Mammies, & Bucks. “As Roundtree’s John Shaft—mellow but assertive and unintimidated by whites—bopped through those hot mean streets dressed in his cool leather, he looked to black audiences like a brother they had all seen many times but never on screen.” He’s right on both scores. Shaft, who is smirkingly called a “black Spade detective,” is embroiled in a commonplace private eye narrative, engaged by a lying client (uptown gangster Bumpy Jonas, smoothly played by Moses Gunn) to find a missing girl—in this case, the client’s daughter. Shaft is a snappy dresser and sharp shooter; he uses the neighborhood bar as his second office.

But we’ve never seen a private eye who looks like this. Shaft leaves the shirts and ties to the cops and gangsters; he wears turtlenecks with his suits, along with that amazing leather coat. In the documentary Baadasssss Cinema, blaxploitation acolyte Quentin Tarantino is critical of the lack of action in Shaft’s opening credit sequence (“I’m semi-frustrated that [the theme] wasn’t utilized better,” he explains. “If I had the theme to Shaft to open up my movie, I’d open my damn movie”), but he’s underestimating the visual jolt of merely showing a man like Shaft strutting the streets of New York, and gazing upon him as he stakes his claim.

There’s something undeniably sensual about that gaze. Shaft was among the first major motion pictures to feature a black man of sexual potency—with the phallic overtones embedded right in his surname, and thus in the film’s title. He gets a full-on sex scene with his steady lady early in the film; later on, he shares a steamy shower with a white pick-up, a mere four years after the carefully sexless interracial romance of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

But aside from that scene—and the iconographically loaded image, during the climax, of black militants turning fire hoses on white people—Shaft’s racial politics are surprisingly middle-of-the-road. Shaft may kid Lt. Vic Androzzi (Charles Cioffi) with lines like “It warms my black heart to see you so concerned for us minority folks,” but he humors the white cop, and mostly cooperates with him. The script is careful to disassociate its fictional black-power revolutionary group from real ones like the Black Panthers and the Young Lords, but it also shows them to be ineffectual, and Shaft is ultimately interested in their manpower, not their politics.

In other words, it’s a film that straddles its lines carefully, just as Shaft must code-switch between worlds: black and white, cop and crook, uptown and downtown (his black gangster client runs Harlem, but Shaft’s office is in midtown and he lives in the Village). Yet when it’s clutch time, Shaft is a full-on badass. In his first fight scene, the unarmed detective takes out two gun-wielding tough guys; in the climax, he swings in through a window like goddamn Batman, the black superhero rescuing the damsel in distress (stolen, not incidentally, by the white man).

Such elements became cornerstones of the blaxpoitation action template. Nelson George, who calls the film “a typical detective flick in blackface,” runs them down in his book Blackface: “black nationalists depicted as inept, if well meaning, supporting characters; young women, of all colors, are sexual pawns or playthings; white and black mobsters are in constant collaboration and conflict.” To that we can add a dash of respectability politics (Bumpy’s daughter is worth saving because she’s a “good girl” who’s “going to college”), righteous condemnation of drug dealing, and black characters working within the system while maintaining (though not without a struggle) their “blackness.”

Audiences ate it up. “Take a formula private-eye plot, update it with all-black environment, and lace with contemporary standards of on-and off-screen violence, and the result is Shaft,” opined Variety, predicting that “Strong B.O. [box office] prospects loom in urban black situations, elsewhere good." That was an understatement. Shaft’s $12 million gross helped save MGM, confirmed the audience that Cotton and Sweet Sweetback suggested, and prompted a flurry of imitators, including the following year’s quickie sequel Shaft’s Big Score!

Parks, Tidyman, and Roundtree all returned for the sequel—the latter with a healthy salary bump, to $50,000—though Isaac Hayes only contributed a single new song, turning over composer duties to Parks. Inexplicably, Hayes’ “Theme From Shaft,” which had won an Oscar in the intervening year, is nowhere to be heard, jettisoned in favor of a sequel song by O.C. Smith (and sequels, per usual, aren’t equal), a decision roughly akin to discarding the Bond theme after Dr. No.

It’s not the only questionable call. Instead of Lt. Vic, Shaft’s police foil is a smug black sell-out cop, whom Shaft calls a “black honky with big flat feet” and who is seen telling a black suspect, “Fuck your rights, go sue the city.” Shaft doesn’t really investigate a mystery this time around—the villain is revealed before our hero is, and the script stays that course—and no one actually hires him either. The script merely parachutes him into the middle of another war between Harlem gangs and the Italian mob. Parks was working with a larger budget, but you don’t see it until the third act’s tight car chase, followed by an ace boat/chopper sequence. The filmmakers clearly put their energies into a super-slick Hollywood ending—and it looks great. But they ended up sanding down what made the first film interesting; much of its uniqueness is in its rough edges.

The same goes for Shaft in Africa, which appeared the following year and took that character to the logical conclusion of his savior-warrior construct. Shaft is hired this time to penetrate a modern African slavery ring, and though he is initially resistant to the mission—he says the case is “out of my turf,” since “I don’t know any Africans, brother”—he ends up training and studying to go undercover as a native. Gordon Parks demurred from participating in this third and final installment, and white director John Guillermin (who would next direct The Towering Inferno and the 1976 King Kong remake) is extra careful with his camera placement during Shaft’s nude “stick fight,” but the sexual implications aren’t exactly subtle, and that’s before our hero smirks, “Guy named Shaft ain’t gonna be bad with a stick.” (Finally, someone said it.)

Africa has the broadest and perhaps clumsiest sexual messaging of the trilogy (and that’s putting aside its weird female genital mutilation subplot—don’t ask). Late in the film, our hero is seduced by the arch-villain’s insatiable white mistress, who initially queries, “How long is your phallus, Mr. Shaft,” and later tells him, “You’re the first man who’s ever made love to me the way a man should.” Shaft is, indeed, the private dick, detective as both superhero and super-stud. That scene falls during Shaft and his fellow laborers’ crossing from Africa to Paris, a water journey that’s uncomfortably crowded and dehumanizing, explicitly echoing the Middle Passage—and thus positing Shaft as a racial avenger. He ends up leading what amounts to a slave revolt, an unexpected Shaft-as-Nat-Turner twist, full-on retroactive wish fulfillment.

But wish fulfillment was ultimately what blaxploitation in general, and these films in particular, were all about. Characters like Shaft and Trouble Man’s “Mr. T” don’t do a helluva lot of detecting, per se; they’re more like urban independent cops, allowing their creators to make what amounted to police movies for audiences who didn’t like and didn’t trust police. (When a complicated film like Across 110th Street dealt with those complexities, neither black nor white audiences showed up.)

But the further they got from their mean streets, the less they reflected their day-to-day reality. Reflecting on the power of Shaft in his review of its sequel, the New York Times’ Roger Greenspun noted, “After every sort of big-town white detective from Marlowe to Madigan had obviously lost the freedom of the city, John Shaft—cool, insolent, clever—seemed a fair choice to take their place. For the detective is nothing if not indigenous; the best hero we have to offer, once we know the misery around us and our own despair.” However, “the new Shaft follows a new and glossier and tidier image, an image that is much more James Bond than Bogart.” The Shaft sequels pivoted from the urban gangster bad guys of the first film to smugly erudite super-villains; Big Score’s plays a clarinet, for God’s sake. By the time he hits Africa, Shaft has to explicitly insist that he’s not James Bond, but it’s an easy conclusion to jump to—the line comes during a gadget briefing sequence, from his own junior varsity Q.

Yet the inclination towards such a character, for filmmakers and audiences, is understandable. In his book More Than Night, James Naremore attributes Parks and Van Peebles’ “black supermen” as a response to “decades of emasculated or nearly invisible black people on the screen,” but there was more at play here than that. By the early 1970s, black heroes were at a premium; Martin was dead and so was Malcolm, Fred Hampton and George Jackson, too, and the black revolutionary movement was scarcely in better shape than in its portrayals in films like Shaft. Eldridge Cleaver and Huey P. Newton’s in-fighting split the Panthers in 1971, and by early ’72, Newton was shutting down chapters—the ones that hadn’t been raided by police. Cleaver was in Algerian exile, and Bobby Seale was in jail. The Panthers had been undone by COINTELPRO, heroin, and ego. “We had the revolution,” Richard Pryor joked in 1976. “Remember the revolution, brother? We lost!”

But on screen, they could win. If he was enough of an outsider—his own boss, beholden to no one—the black man could be a hero. He could mouth off to cops, he could protect the community, he could be irresistible to women. He could come out on top, and truth and justice could prevail; he could do all of the things that white private detectives did back in the 1940s, and didn’t do anymore. When those white counterparts first appeared in the ‘40s, they served a similar function for an audience coming out of a Great Depression, fighting a world war, and uncertain about their future. That audience needed tough, straightforward heroes with an unerring moral compass; so did this one.

The black private eyes didn’t have the luxury, in this tense and uncertain time, of flirting with the existentialism of Hickey and Boggs or The Long Goodbye’s Marlowe or Night Moves’ Harry Moseby. Isaac Hayes may have called Shaft “a complicated man,” but there was nothing complicated about him, or any of his brethren. What you saw was what you got. “He was everything we’d always wanted to be,” said Samuel L. Jackson, who would take over the role of Shaft in a 2000 remake. “He was cool, he talked tough, he looked great, and he was fearless. He was a hero.”

In the ‘70s, black audiences looked at their movie detectives and saw what they wanted to be. White audiences looked at theirs, and saw what they were.

[yarnzipangirl]

And now, from the rewatch of Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice (Ultimate Edition because I love myself):

-I am reasonably certain that Clark’s emotional state during 98% of this movie is just ‘WHY THIS?’ with a dash of ‘CAN YOU NOT?’

-I can understand people who are annoyed we had to watch the Waynes die AGAIN, and yet, I cannot imagine this movie without this scene in it.  Because this movie is the very first time I feel like a Batman-having movie actually made Bruce’s motivation have any true meaning outside of kind of excusing why a man with that kind of resources would be Batman.  It makes it clear that the equation isn’t “boy loses parents, decides to fight crime”; it’s “boy loses his whole world, decides to fight LOSS” and that is a vital VITAL difference, especially for this movie.  

-also this is the most beautifully shot thing, and again I applaud Snyder’s tendency to reintroduce the importance of the mother in this situation.  Also that shell casing hitting the ground gets mirrored later and it kills me.

-and that Bruce’s father dies after curling his fist, dies in anger when he was a doctor, sworn to do no harm, feels like foreshadowing, like a warning; when a good man breaks his vows, goes darker, nothing good comes of it.  (And yes, I understand he was defending his family, totally reasonable, but we’re talking about this moment as metaphor, as how Bruce REMEMBERS it).

-oh god, I forgot Jimmy Olsen was Grant Gabriel on Smallville.  *FACEPALMS FOREVER*

-hey Bruce, when TEENAGE GIRLS are afraid of you, perhaps time to reconsider your life decisions.  The fact that he doesn’t even try to take care of them or comfort them says SO MUCH about where his head is.

-I feel like if there was justice in the world, every time someone described DCEU Superman as an ‘unfeeling god’ they would have to watch the 10 seconds where Clark comes in to see Lois bathing with his goobery little glasses and his grinny face like she hung the moon and his little bag of groceries to make her dinner and the flowers just for her and how he’s literally just so in love with her he can’t stand not stepping into the tub to kiss her Right Then.  Still didn’t get it?  Again.  Nope, you don’t get the abs.  You don’t DESERVE the abs.

-Alfred deserves all the scotch.  All of it.  And a raise, if only for dealing with this betta fish of a human being we call Batman.  I feel like Clark should have been able to hear Alfred screaming ‘fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck’ the entire movie at registers too high for others to hear because that is definitely how he feels.

-I will defend this Lex Luthor to my dying breath because this motherfucker scares me.  And he scares me because unlike the other kind, I’ve MET this motherfucker.  This motherfucker ran a company I worked for.  All douchbro and open door policy and casual workplace until you don’t give him what he wants and then the knives come out.  And I think the reason why he doesn’t work for a lot of people is that we’re still in the era where this kind of businessman villain hasn’t been villainized properly yet.  We have the mental templates for the oil tycoon or the 90s environmentally disastrous CEO, the 00s real estate-stealing asshole, and now the 10′s Wall Street wolf, but THIS kind of monster is the one we’re still getting a feel for.  The (I hate to make this comparison) Mark Zuckerbergs, the tech moguls who are increasing human suffering in less direct, less easy to define ways while always pretending to help us.  In ways that to some degree people still admire.  Lex Luthor as a competent-Donald-Trump analogy is easy and familiar in comparison.  This is one step forward and while I wouldn’t say it’s without it’s faults, it’s brave as hell and real as hell.  This is OUR monster, folks.  

-Following up on the ‘Perry totally knows’, I’m pretty sure Perry gave him the sports piece to try and take his mind off of All The Terrible and was fighting him because goddammit, son, you can’t take on the world, it is KILLING YOU.

-I was absolutely livid with the original cut, I’m gonna be honest, and the reason boils down to (well, the parts where the plot literally doesn’t make sense re: blaming Superman but mostly) the fact that without Clark investigating the Batman, meeting people who are scared, who feel cornered, who have lost a husband and a father to that brand... Clark would never actually fight him.  Clark doesn’t GET angry at personal slights or personal threats.  He gets angry because Innocent People Are Living In Fear From This Asshole, that innocent people are dying either because the Batman hasn’t noticed that his brand victims die or DOESN’T CARE.  Without these pieces, Clark’s rage makes literally no sense and even his ‘civil liberties’ argument makes so little sense since ‘how would he know?’

-Clark’s little smile as Lois is Lois at him, basically going ‘why yes, I’m going to throw myself into this pit of snakes to find a needle in the haystack UNDER these snakes’ mixed up with his concern and just UGH these two UGH

-the little sound clips of the world engine at various points, like when Bruce is going to the grave in his dream.  *SHAKES FIST TO THE SKY* AAAAAART

-and the angel in the stained glass with a blue tunic and a red cape.

-Okay, Bruce? Comparing Superman to the Joker is like... just flat unfair.

-Lex and Bruce both leave that little threeway meeting with purpose while Clark is just so clearly like ‘...what the fuck just happened?  What the- WHY ARE RICH PEOPLE LIKE THIS?”

-The amount of loathing Bruce has for the Bruce Wayne act conveyed purely through face acting is FABULOUS.  Bathroom excuse bathroom excuse OH MY GOD KILL ME I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS JACKASS I APPARENTLY AM.

-*insert me crying about How Unhappy Clark is re: all the people around him treating him like a savior and the whole reference to the skulls thing and just Clark, honey-*

-Clark needs to watch some cartoons.  Someone should just like... set his dial permanently to happy joyful things because the news is just Not Good.

-Once again, those people with the ‘unfeeling god’ nonsense, what with this unfeeling god calling his mother because he’s feeling lost and confused and he doesn’t know what’s the right thing to do.

-Bruce trying that Selina and Talia line on Diana: LOL.  Diana’s response: ALSO LOL.

-ngl, after certain things happened in GoT, I cannot imagine Clark standing in the flames at the capitol building without the subtitle of ‘...dammit Cersei’

-I will never understand how they ever thought cutting Clark bringing bodies/survivors out of the Capital Building was a scene they could cut.  It is So Vastly Important.  

-Alfred’s just... gonna stand here and watch Bruce become literally everything he hates, yup, up, this is great, this is Scotch scotch scotch scotch scotch scotch scotch and I Don’t Blame Him.

-Back to the ‘Perry White Totally Knows’ comment, that look at Lois while Lois begs for a helicopter?  Right after referencing that Superman is CLEARLY at the ship?  Hell yeah, Perry knows.  Also Perry is the man.

-I will also defend this fight to my dying goddamn day because Snyder knows how to do some beautiful things with cinematography and this is the ugliest, most brutal, painful fight to watch and it GODDAMN SHOULD BE.  Because heroes fighting heroes is ugly, because Bruce is ugly at this point, Clark is so lost and there is nothing really noble or ‘good’ in this fight.  Even Clark who’s fighting to try and save his mother is giving in to his frustration at everything, at the world, at this GUY who’s a giant douche to him in person and hurts people to make them do what he wants and doesn’t care when they die.  And I feel that’s a huge portion of this fight, that both of them feel the other one is apathetic to suffering and it makes them ANGRY.  

-...though I snerk every time at Bruce realizing the Kryptonite’s worn off.  Yeah.  Yeah, buddy.

-Also this most recent rewatch honestly completely changed my view on the Martha line.  I have, since the beginning, thought it was a good, meaningful scene that worked in the context of the movie, but I always thought it was clumsy.  It’s only now, watching it again, really taking in everything around it that I realize it DOES in fact make absolute sense, and it works perfectly.  Because Bruce has just been TALKING about Clark’s parents.  He doesn’t CARE that Clark has parents, doesn’t care that he has a mother and father.  Clark doesn’t say ‘save my mother’ because Bruce is That Far Gone.  But Clark called Bruce by name, KNOWS who he is: he doesn’t just say ‘Martha’ to save his own mother, he says ‘Martha’ because this is literally Clark’s last ditch effort to appeal to the human being named Bruce Wayne inside that batsuit.  He is trying to snap him out of this.  And he is trying to make his mother into a random bystander for Bruce to save so he WILL save her.  He is pointedly disassociating himself from his mother to try and save her; he is saying ‘fine, kill me, but you have to save this innocent woman’.  And it’s only the combination of these things that actually breaks through the 18 months of obsessive hatred.  Honestly, Lois telling him it’s his mother’s name is just icing on the cake, a quicker end.  Clark might have been on his back, with a spear in his face, but Clark Wins That Goddamn Fight because he pulled the play that made Batman into Batman again.

-you know, I’ve been looking forward to Clark coming back and seeing Martha see him and Lois and Bruce but DAMN if I can’t wait for Lex Luthor to see Clark returned to life.  *insert gif of Jason Momoa with the folding chair* 

-Martha waves to the Batwing flying away and that is adorable.

-You’d think the US government was dating Superman considering how many times they decide to fuck him.  FFS, guys.  Let him throw the monster into space without shooting him in the back just ONCE.

-Best. Enter. Player. 2. Moment. Ever.

-Watching Batman play ‘hoooooly shit, dodge dodge dodge dodge’ with Doomsday feels like a kind of karmic return like.  Look, asshole, THIS is what a Kryptonian monster who wants to raze the entire Earth is like and you are SO not even remotely prepared for that fight.

-...I forgot he actually pulls the spike in deeper so that he can stab Doomsday properly because I needed that heart, you know?

-Bruce trying to cover that hole in the suit as he bundles Clark up, totally not thinking about another suit in a glass case in his house, not thinking about the woman he just saved so she can bury her son.  Nope, nope, nope, Bruce Wayne is JUST FINE, thanks for asking.

-The Worst (read most painful) Look Ever between Lois and Diana and you know there’s a part of Diana that’s like ‘at least you get to bury him’.

-AND THERE GO THOSE SHELLS HITTING THE CONCRETE AGAIN, thanks symbolic things that hurt me down to my soul.

-you know, in the comics, Bruce REALLY REALLY hates Lex, like enough to be all right with helping to murder him (yeah, legit) but imagine, if you will, how much he’s gonna hate him NOW.

-Still a goddamn hopeful ending even if it breaks my heart.  ‘Men are still good’.  UGH.  UGH THIS UNIVERSE.

[jandjsalmon]

“What’s he then that says I play the villain?” (Othello: Act 2, Scene 3)

Okay - so to start this review. I have to place myself outside of myself. Jandy the fangirl watched this film at least twice (maybe three times) and couldn’t shut up about how hot Dylan was when he was being  dreamy but evil.

BUT then I decided to be fair… and Jessica the impartial observer and critical thinker watched Dismissed one more time and actually had some worthwhile (and spoilery) thoughts.

SO. The story as an outline is actually very clever: Mr. Butler is a teacher at a school without a lot of student engagement. He doesn’t really want to be there either though - his dreams are the tenure track at a nearby university. But we start the film with him trying to get his students interested in English. There is a lot of Othello talk - and dips into Dostoevsky too. We also see a bit of his  family life - which doesn’t actually seem too terrible. Wife. New Baby. Great.

Enter Lucas Ward. Okay - so it’s hard to deny that this boy is freaking beautiful. He’s also more than a little awkward socially but he’s hella smart and he's got goals. Dylan’s own speech cadence (which is on display… this is literally how he talks himself) suits this slightly (more than slightly) awkward young man. He really wants Mr. Butler to like him. Lucas is a bit of a keener (this is the understatement of this post).

He even gives Mr. Butler a fancy decorative apple (which made my 14 year old son shout FORESHADOWING! – and he was right! Smart kid), does all the assignments from earlier in the term before he moved to town (because it’s important to him not to fall behind... even though he didn't have to do them) and answers questions and engages in Mr. Butler’s class. He’s the DREAM student. Even Mr. Butler is excited. He decides he wants to be Lucas’ mentor.

This is made even more convenient and easy when Lucas joins (and kicks ass at) the Chess Club (which Mr. Butler supervises) where he informs Mr. Butler that there is no point in doing anything unless you can be the very best at it.  Then, despite being the best player, Mr. Butler makes him the 2nd Seat at their next chess competition. (I literally facepalmed at David Butler at this point - he’s clearly never seen a suspenseful movie before) Lucas isn’t very thrilled at the prospect of being 2nd - but he seems to recover. This is one of Dylan’s best moments. You can literally see the wheels turning in Lucas’ head. It was very real here. He hasn't recovered... he just has a plan now.

Then (because by now we know there is a lot more going on here than just a teenager who really really likes to be the best at stuff) Lucas eliminates his competition at the chess club (as you do) with exploding Chemistry, and hands in a frakking dissertation on how Iago is actually the hero of Othello (seriously though- he’s not, guys). Lucas threatens to stab his pen through another kid in his class’ throat for talking too much in class… which was delightful actually - as was the smirk we barely see when he hears the kid in question murmur to a neighbour to be quiet) But of course the shit hits the fan when he’s only given a B+ on the paper and we start to see things unravel and tires are slashed among some other things.

Of course, winding around the rest of the initial narrative is Lucas’ friendship with Becca… can we call this a friendship? He uses her. He manipulates her. I was shocked that they didn’t end up romantically entangled… but then I wasn’t shocked because Lucas wouldn’t be able to pretend those kinds of feelings long term because at this point in the story we already know that as a child he used to imitate expressions trying to ‘pretend’ feelings… because he lacks the empathy and understanding to really feel them. Classic sociopath (not psychopath as stated in the film).

So when Mr. Butler sorta figures out what’s going on here with Lucas and the fact that he’s basically extorting his teacher for a grade. He also conveniently finds out about Lucas’ past… after talking to Lucas’ father (Holy cow Chris Bauer delivers a great performance!) where Lucas basically ruined a previous teacher’s life over a History term paper about how it was Hitler’s methods that were the problem - but his belief in perfection was totally possible. The teacher thought it in bad taste (as it is) and gave him a poor grade… BIG Mistake.

This leads Mr. Butler to choose to give Lucas an F for his mid-term grade --- honestly how did this become a good idea, David? But it brought about my favourite scene (as gif’d below) - I just want you to pay close attention to the lack of socks as Lucas trashes his bedroom. I wonder if this was a Dylan decision or a costume designer decision. Perhaps we’ll never know. Can one of you fangirls who meet him in the future ask about his thoughts on socks? ANYWAY - back to the meta.

This is the point where my biggest criticism of the film comes in actually. I feel the beginning of the film was neat and clear - if not struggling because I am not a huge fan of how Kent Osborn (Mr. Butler) chose to interpret his character. I don’t ever actually LIKE Mr. Butler. He’s cold. Aside from one scene where he’s excited to be a mentor to a kid who has shown actual interest in his subject - there is little in this performance to bring me to Mr. Butler’s side. I mean - other than the other side being inhabited by a complete sociopathic monster.

I found (and this is Jessica the impartial reviewer here) just wondering why the hell Mr. Butler couldn’t give the kid his A so he could go to Harvard and become a titan of industry someday? It’s not like Lucas is any worse than those in power right now anyway. Mr. Butler comes across as a spiteful bitter man off put by Lucas' Type A personality. This has absolutely nothing to do with my love for Dylan. It was a flaw in the writing for Mr. Butler. Lol.

Add to that - Lucas’ underhanded plan to get Becca to make a move on Mr. Butler (another way for Lucas to manipulate the situation and ruin Mr. Butler’s life) and how that bombs…. and then her fall off a roof now that Lucas is desperate (whoops - that was a mega spoiler… and was my second favourite scene in the film). But hey, on the upside - she got to hug Dylan before she was pushed so that’s a plus, right?

Anyway yes. So after that part the ending basically falls apart. Not counting the really great scene where Lucas emotionally (fake) talks to the police, the ending includes an almost disassociating Lucas (though not - because he’s in way more control than that) and a really really great performance from Dylan… but the writing just SUFFERS the closer we get to the denouement. And the absolute climax has a choking scene that borders on ridiculous - though YAY for bringing back the glass apple from the beginning! Way to go foreshadowing! Honestly, Dylan is LITERALLY holding the movie together at this point.

His last soliloqy might be my favourite few lines in the film. Where Lucas puts himself into the Iago role essentially. He /deserves/ success and when it was taken away from him… he was going to make Mr. Butler pay.

Of course Lucas doesn’t win. The story ends with things all tied up with a nice red bow with like 3 people dead and Lucas is in prison but it was the GETTING there that was such a huge disappointment.

The real travesty is that Dylan (in all his awesomeness) wasn’t enough to save the end of this movie. After the second rewatch it was pretty clear to me why it didn’t get wider release after it’s festival circuit - which is a shame because honestly, Dylan is a great actor and his performance is solid. He deserves another meaty role with better writing.

But the writing of the ending was just a HUGE disappointment to me. Give me the same result… just don’t give me a half-assed attempt at a choking scene - and Mr. Butler... he was just so unlikable.

ANYWAY - it was definitely worth watching (four times) and the Jandy part of me is thrilled that super pretty Dylan is back on my screen showing how freaking talented he is. The Jessica part of me was sad that something with so much huge potential had such a disappointing ending.

What were your thoughts? I'd love to hear.

[writinglodge]

-Kinetic Abilities Prompt List A Edition

Acidikinesis - Control Sloth

I have a personal vendetta against someone wildly more successful than me so I’m trying to make them lazy.

You don’t know how to relax so I’m literally filling you with laziness but you just won’t stop.

I work at an animal shelter and I sometimes make the animals fit what people are looking for by removing or adding laziness. You haven’t lived until you saw a cat with 0% laziness.

Aciukinesis - Control Sharpness

Did you know that most man made spheres are still more jagged than the earth itself? You haven’t experienced softness until you felt a perfectly smooth ball. There’s also not a lot of traction so please cup it in your hands.

I’m one of the only chefs here that doesn’t have some sort of hot or cold ability. But me being very clumsy, the ability to make all my knives dull saves my fingers a lot.

I keep making all the knives in the kitchen blunt so I can watch my parent-in-law get frustrated and lose their dominance over me.

Aerokinesis - Control Air

I can control the air but that doesn’t do a lot so I just got a few wind turbines for my property, so I get power for free. It’s a small win, but I like it. 

Sometimes I go to the beach and set up a kite rental booth while making it windy. It doesn’t make much but it helps with rent.

No one thinks that controlling air is that cool of a super power until I take it out of their lungs.

Aestatekinesis - Control Summer

I hate sweating so I made this summer really mild but it’s affecting my town’s farming economy.

I forgot that Alaska’s still supposed to be pretty cold in the summer and I may have made the ice caps melt a little more.

Aggressiokinesis - Control Anger

I work in tandem with a crisis clinic and so far, there isn’t a patient I can’t calm down.

My anti-aggression dog classes are the best in the business. I even stop by pet shelters.

I just love watching these people tear each other limb from limb with blind rage. I’m gonna be sad to see you go though.

Aidoskinesis - Control Humidity

One of the only things good about my powers is that I can make my boss’ office so humid they have horrible hair and sweat stains for their meeting with corporate. 

My greenhouse is always at the perfect humidity even in the dead of winter.

I’m gulty of making someone so humid they’ve taken off their shirt before. It’s a blessing.

Alcokinesis - Control Alcohol

You always get too out of hand with your drinking so I just take the alcohol content out of your drinks.

My coworker bugs the hell out of me and they’re going in for a company-wide drug test today. I made their breakfast have a healthy amount of alcohol.

It’s very fun to see someone pantamime being drunk when they think they are when in actuality I’ve taken all the alcohol out of their drink.

Amokinesis - Control Love and Desire

Shit are you actually in love with me or did I manipulate you into liking me?

As a joke I was going to make my classmate fall in love with whoever came in next but you did and now I’m very jealous.

I make people forget about me when we break up so it’s easy on them but I can’t get rid of my own love for them, even when there’s no chance of getting back together ever now. 

Anthracokinesis - Control Coal

I like being alone so I move to Centralia and just turn off the surrounding coals when I’m walking over them. It’s very quiet but very smoky. I need to leave town to buy a gas mask.

I bought a bit of land and made a little mine before buying a truckload of coal and just stiking it in the walls. Then, I compressed it all into diamonds.

So my parents gave me a little tough love as a child and gave me a piece of coal one christmas. I’ll admit, I was a naughty child. But that piece of coal made me learn of my powers. It’s the only piece I’ll never manipulate anymore.

Antikinesis - Control Antimatter

No you can’t come to my antimatter dimension. It’s very private.

I think we had a good run, I’m just gonna get a black hole in here real quick.

I always wanted to visit Chernobl, good thing I can just sort of turn off the gamma radation and go for a walk. 

Argentokinesis - Control Silver

Whoops I’m in werewolf country better make all my clothes and stuff have silver mesh.

“Yes this is genuine gold” I say to someone when I took the silver content out of a ring.

So I don’t have the best impulse control. I made my rude neighbor’s prized dog into a silver statue and now it’s like... eighty sets of flatwear.

Arthrokinesis - Control Joints

I may be a very inactive person, but damned if my joints ever pop. I’m doing sprints anytime I feel like it.

I got too excited testing how much I could let my joints move and may have dislocated by shoulder. 

Yes, I tried to suck my own dick. Yes, I should have realized that there is actually bone stopping me from bending my spine like that. Don’t laugh at me.

Asterokinesis - Control Cosmic Energy

I’ve ascended to be the god of the universe and all I want to do is to stop being in charge and just have some time off for once.

I saw how much earth was desperate to meet other beings so I made some closer planets support life. 

I’m not just some giant being in space. I’m a regular person. I buy groceries, collect rocks, and I’m desperate for people to never know I made them. 

Astrakinesis - Control Astral Energy

I am nearly constantly disassociating. The good news is that I have like thirty dream selves I can be while the others go on autopilot. 

I can see spirits so I just deal with ghosts for a living. Most of the time they’re just confused.

I can work as a medium for ghosts to talk through but you roleplaying with your dead datemate is the last straw.

Astronkinesis - Control Remnants of Cosmic Substances

I realized that in my lifetime I would never see a mission to a star so I made some much closer to us.

I don’t feel like this world’s really going anywhere. I’m just gonna supernova the sun next weekend. 

My tarot card readings are always perfect and I sincerely want you to leave the country.

Atmokinesis - Control Weather

I am the best weather forecaster the world has ever seen. I work for a small town in rural country though. I think I have five hundred viewers on a daily basis? 

I always make sure my neighbor’s/parent’s/friend’s/etc farm gets the best weather.

My entrences are always punctuated with lightening and I love it.

Atomkinesis - Control Atoms

It’s like 3-D printing, only much better. Check out this awesome watch I made.

I hope you like nuclear wastelands, because that’s what you’re getting.

Surprise, your house is full of radon gas!it’ll stay that way until you do what I say.

Audiokinesis - Control Sound 

Nothing quite like a day of absolute silence when you have an audio processing disorder.

Movies are very fun to watch when I can make one character silent and just ad lib the dialogue.

The fact that I can chat style silence someone is the best.

Aurokinesis - Control Aura

I can see how people act before ever talking to them, that’s why you’re the only one in the room I’m going to talk to. 

Where I live, auras are very important. So I can easily hide among them as someone without giving an inkling of malice.

I personally hate you so now you get too radiate bad energy until you apologize. 

Aurokinesis - Control Gold

I’m allergic to what they use in fake gold but I have no money for good jewelry so I just make it gold after I buy it for cheap. 

It’s not quite the Midas touch, but I’ve pulled that prank before. 

I make golden jewelry and sculptures by making them out of clay/wood/etc and turning them into gold for huge profits.

Autumnuskinesis - Control Autumn

My hometown capitalizes on my love of pumpkins and sweater weather by becoming a destination for those looking to beat the heat but don’t want to own a down jacket. 

I can make things rot. So I rotted my neighbor’s garden a week before harvest. 

I make autumn immediately follow winter so now the world’s harvesting systems are fucked because I get pollen allergies. 

Avarikinesis - Control Greed

I’m trying to make the world fair by taking all the greed out of high-ranking officials but sometimes that was their only driving force and they have no actual job experience. 

I made someone comically greedy because being a superhero in a town in which no banks need protecting is boring.

I want so desperately to not have to take greed out of anymore people. It’s getting so tiring. I need to go on a vacation. 

Avikinesis - Control Avains

Having hawks fly to my aide when my boss was giving me shit in the parking lot was definitely a sweet move.

I may live in this cottage alone, but these birds are more than enough company. One of them just told me about someone who ate shit on pavement last week in a city ten miles away. It’s awesome.

“Bats fly, right? Why can’t I control bats?” “Please just let me do my work.” ‘What about bugs?” “Please go home.” “Do flying fish count?”

[aestheeeeeettttiiiiccc]

I am no longer going to apologize for struggling with the things I struggle with, especially in relation to any psychological disorders. Nor will I ever let someone else tell me that I am coming up with excuses or that I am not making an effort to change when they may not even know what it's like to have struggled for 9 years. I have lived my life enough trying to figure out how to manage my symptoms, thinking that there was something wrong with me and that I was a defected person incapable of living an average normal life without depressive episodes, urges, stages of disassociation, anxiety/panic attacks, or periods of complete blatant apathy. Some people just want to live a simple average life where they can feel "normal," and that is not wrong to have or want. After all, that is simple to begin with anyways? If you do not struggle with a psychological disorder or mental "illness" to begin with, who are you to place yourself in the position to claim that someone who DOES struggle is not putting forth any effort to change? Just because no real physical results are measurable or can be easily traced, doesn't mean that person is fighting everyday to make a change, a "small step" towards the right direction. If you want someone to change, then you can be supportive of their progress, for their small steps, and offer words of encouragement than point fingers and make accusations or make jokes and points of mockeries for their small actions that you probably do not even see and facilitate feelings of inadequacy and inferiority when they already struggle with just trying to be enough to live a normal life. My heart breaks NOT because I want a pity fest or any special treatment, but that people immediately judge someone for trying to make change and can go to the extent to claim that they are not trying just because their terms of progress is not deemed enough or even sensible in your subjective eyes. And that people can further go to the extent of making a joke about other people's personal lives or pick them apart when they are already in pieces trying to hold on to begin with. People who struggle in general already probably feel like there is something "wrong" with them to begin with in the first place anyways, and for someone who is not in the same "shoes" as them to just blatantly judge them openly and tell them that they are not trying is further adding on to making that person think there is something wrong with them. Also, if something means something to someone else and it doesn't necessarily mean something to you or may "seem like a big complication out of something small or simple," what do you benefit from just telling that person they are "making a big deal of things." People who struggle with "psychological disorders" live on a daily basis trying to cope with an abstract aspect in life that has no linear or concrete point to objectively identify to "recover" and therefore, need to find something to hold on to to maintain hope. Who are you to judge someone for trying to find or figure out that concept? (Especially if that person has sought out professional help: therapists, medication, inpatient treatment at 10 years old, and several hospital visits - a promised phone call to "check in" by "professionals" after being brought in from contacting a suicide hotline that was not made.) For fuck's sakes, we're in 2017 and we all have our own issues to deal with or are struggling on a daily basis to "fight" something. If someone is struggling, and you do not have words of encouragement to offer, shouldn't you just spend the time you do judging someone else's life or deliberately going out of you way to just make a joke about things doing something productive to benefit either yourself or someone else? An average person who does struggle with a psychological disorder is probably deemed lucky if they can even live an "average healthy normal life" from day to day. They are not impacting your lives in any way, so what do you benefit from just constantly pointing fingers or making remarks to just make them feel like shit because you think things that may seem small but may be very big to someone else are just a joke as a result of continuing to just see things from your own perspective? The world is fucking cruel as is, and if you want to contribute to that then go ahead and continue to fucking be that person who spends their time just judging or making a joke about the things other people do struggle with or about their personal life. However, if you want to a be decent human fucking being - NOT because of a huge social media following or fame or because someone is watching or because you want to be this fake af person loving attention or what the fuck ever - but because it's simply the morally right thing to do, maybe try offering words of encourage or support. If you fail to understand something, try (really fucking hard) to not just blatantly jump to the first thought resulting from seeing things from your own perspective, but see things from their own shoes THEN offer what you may think is your unsolicited advice or "words of encouragement." OR, you can also just focus on living your own lives and allow other people to live their own in mother fuhuuucckinnggg PEACEE (especially if the way they are living has no real fucking effect on your life!!! Course, everyone has potential to make an impact, but there's a difference between making an impact and having an effect. If a person is not affecting your life in any way - especially through anything negatively - there really is no fucking reason for you to just feel entitled to judge or comment or even mock and pick at someone else's life.) In general, I just am this average fucking high schooler who kind of fell in love with running, and used running and the idea of walking on to a college team as a distraction to cope with my "psychological issues." I think every high schooler also has big aspirations to want to get out of their small town/city they've grown up in, and after seeing how some "teammates" would talk and treat another runner from another team, and wrongfully misjudging a whole team in "the town/city I grew up in" based off of that, I deemed it in my best interest to look into other teams in other states. However, I'm not this perfect developmental teenager, and I do have emotions, and I am a human being that makes mistakes, and I'm definitely not the brightest of the bunch. But I don't know how looking into other teams or using running and the idea of a "collegiate family" to cope is so wrong or causes so much entitlement to opinions or all of this unnecessary fucking shit that was really hard to transition into from this developmental period of isolation to just seeming like this big entertainment in a lot of fucking people's eyes. I hope by next year, I will be healthy enough to walk on to a team and to do my best to contribute to any way I can and see what I can do with running even if the best I "make it" is finally winning a race at a smaller division or what have it by my senior year and enjoying the process. However, I'm not going to apologize for struggling with an eating disorder or the "complicated meanings" I try to find to help me hold on and cope in life, and if that's deemed as "excuses" or "making a big deal" or what have it in your opinion, like I can't change that and it breaks my heart. However, I'm going to continue to try to change and to focus on my own life to hopefully be able to make an impact on someone else's life in the future (miraculously give kicks to little kids), and you can continue to judge someone else for the "excuses" or "big deals" they make.

[lyrieux-blog]

16/07/2018

I’ve not much time before I have to leave for my appointment at Rowan house - but I felt the need to document everything going through my head this morning, especially since my trek to my appointment is actually going to be on my own this morning. Why? Mom truly is not well; she’s in a lot of pain, she can barely keep her eyes open because she scarcely slept and she just doesn’t have the energy. She offered to ask my uncle to come with me but honestly, that’s a fruitless idea; he won’t be awake until past 1pm and I’m just not comfortable around him. I don’t know what it is - he hasn’t done anything in particular - he just seems very weird at the moment. Besides; he always huffs and puffs and whines about having to walk me anywhere so it only makes me feel even more of a burden. I woke with the most horrendous anxiety again: I’m beginning to think I’ve fallen into the routine I had years back when I was really unwell in my head; constantly, cripplingly depressed, barely wanting to get out of bed; always met with anxiety that near enough killed me every morning, of which would last all day, every day. My medication isn’t even taking the edge off any longer. I’m just left at it’s mercy and no matter what I attempt to fight it with, it always wins. I have this vulgar stomach ache which has not left since my huge panic attack last week; and this constant discomfort generally inside my person is ludicrous. I’m barely able to eat because of it; I have absolutely no appetite and when I smell my sister or mom cooking something, it legitimately makes me want to gag and vomit - my stomach just can’t take it. I just want to sleep - because when I sleep there are no arguments in the house, there is no pressure to pretend I’m alright, there isn’t any utterly crippling anxiety, there isn’t any nasty thoughts. In truth, I am dreading walking to Rowan house on my own - not just because of the anxiety I get, at the moment, just thinking about going outside but also because of the distance it is and the fact that when I am stressed, I disassociate and don’t exactly think. I’m well known for crossing roads without so much as looking and usually the potential that I could get accidentally hit by something would concern and frighten me but lately - the complete opposite. I would be glad to be hit by something because I’m struggling to cope. My head doesn’t feel like it is mine at all; I’m being ruled by invasive thoughts, I cant battle any of it away. Anxiety is just killing me, my depressive phase is making me scarcely functional; I get agitated and angry in the drop of a hat if someone wants to talk to me or interact - I just want to be isolated. I barely know what to do with myself. I can’t think straight. I just want this suffering to end and at the moment... I’m not entirely sure that I care how. I’m living my life in a constant state of distress and there is only so much I can take  before I snap. I was so very close to hurting myself last night - the only reason I didn’t was that I was so cripplingly tired that I just failed to have the energy to.  I’m not coping! I’m not! I cant cope with these levels of anxiety, I’m sick to death of being mentally broken, I’m having to battle away suicidal thoughts; they are so intrusive. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m paranoid! I’m convinced everyone is watching me, judging me; I’m convinced mom is taking about me behind my back, to nan; turning her against me just like she tried to do with everyone looking at Phil.  I’m not stable. I am not stable.  None of my medication is doing anything useful! And no matter how many times I mention it, nothing gets done! I know its not going to solve everything but it took the edge off once upon a time but my anti-depressant isn’t doing anything because I am chronically depressed and my anti-anxiety medication might as well be made of sugar! I can’t cope with it. Why is nothing helping? Why am I stuck in this circle? Why does nothing ever go right? Why is everything spiralling down again? Am I meant to fail? Am I supposed to just go with it? I can’t do anything except go with it at the moment. I can’t fight it. It’s all too strong.        

[worstbooked-blog]

Is Triple H Running the WWE?

In recent years it has been pretty apparent who the WWE had earmarked for future greatness. The Rock, Brock Lesner, John Cena and Kurt Angle where all pushed very early in there professional wrestling careers without the need to pay their dues. But do any of the present roster stand out in the same way? Here's a fast take a look at a number of the stars who may probably be the subsequent principal event superstar.

Randy Orton.

Worst WWE Wrestlers 2017

If it wasn't for Orton's horrible angle and behavioral issues Randy Orton would already be one in all WWE's prime canine. His first run as champion came too soon and was a panic resolution after Chris Benoit's title reign failed to deliver rankings success, this plus the issue that WWE pushed him as a fan favorite however because of his arrogant attitude the followers the place by no means prone to besides Orton. Each time Orton has been thought-about for a title run since he is completed some thing stupid to put the stoppers on it.

It was believed Orton would feud with Triple H at Summerslam upon Triple H's return however it's now recognized Triple H is pushing for Orton to be given a run as champion as he feels Orton is ready and the fans perspective in the direction of John Cena could be greater if he spent a bit time chasing the title as a substitute of holding it, the query is will Orton screw up earlier than that point?

Johnny Nitro

A variety of wrestling experts have commented on Nitro claiming him to be the "next Shawn Michaels". His character actually resembles Michaels in his early profession, from his cocky angle to his in the ring look however what number of "next Shawn Michaels" have there been over time and what number of have reached the identical heights? This mentioned it does seem WWE administration assume a substantial amount of Johnny Nitro and should you proves he can handle himself as ECW world champion then his subsequent reign may very well be proper on the very prime of the WWE.

Bobby Lashley

Not precisely a revelation however WWE obviously see Lashley as a potential Megastar. His look and powerhouse model will all the time win him fans however despite been given large air time and the benefit of feuding with Vince McMahon (McMahon only ever feuds with guys earmarked for the top) I have never been overly impressed. He is positively bettering however for me the jury continues to be out on whether Lashley can really reside up to the WWE's high expectations.

Mr. Kennedy

Most likely the perfect employee on the microphone since The Rock, which was always going to provide him a huge benefit over the remainder of the competition. Entertaining and little question a massive fan following awaits once he's carried out his half as an heel ( something Lesner, Cena, Angle and The Rock all did). Slight improvement on his in ring performances and an extended spell without being sidelined by injuries might yet see Mr. Kennedy fulfilling his dream of competing in the main event of Wrestlemania .

CM Punk

Punk would definitely be one of the followers high picks but throughout the WWE itself issues don't appear as possible. He was famously on the end of a slating from Triple H and Shawn Michaels (they said he could not "work" a WWE style match) and his clear dwelling persona may not make him the preferred man backstage.

His strong belief in the clean dwelling angle could nevertheless be a blessing for CM Punk, with the latest problems WWE have had with the media over steroid abuse who would make a greater champion than CM Punk. Bret Hart's street to the top was helped within the ninety's because of the steroids trial of Vince McMahon perhaps CM Punk could benefit in a similar method.

MVP

WWE have up to now been impressed with the performances of MVP both within the ring and on the microphone which bodes effectively for the way forward for MVP. Certainly not the frontrunner to be the WWE's subsequent massive thing but if others slip up MVP might very nicely step into the higher tier of the WWE.

Marcus Cor Von

When wrestling in TNA as Monty Brown he was seen as a star of the long run but since becoming a member of WWE issues have not fairly continued in the same vein. This isn't a complete shock nevertheless as WWE have in recent times made wrestlers coming from exterior the WWE's personal improvement promotions work tougher and in the midst of the cardboard before permitting them to shine. Some really feel this is to make WWE appear superior to and more durable to conquer than other promotions, whether true or not Marcus Cor Von isn't presently the place he'd prefer to be within the WWE's pecking order.

Nonetheless, don't discount Cor Von's probabilities of becoming the subsequent large thing as WWE clearly noticed something in him to convey Marcus Cor Von to the corporate in the first place and perhaps once he is proven WWE his dedication to the corporate he might get the push that almost all of us anticipated.

Let's hope one among these guys can make it as the following neatest thing as although none are the finished article all are open, and able to, enchancment and of putting on decent entertaining matches. I might a lot relatively see any of these guys given an opportunity to fight at the prime of the card than the likes of Mark Henry and The Nice Khali any day of the week.

THQ and WWE have an extended business relationship. Annually, the corporate is up with new wrestling games based mostly on this largest professional-wrestling promotion in the world. The gameplay and graphics turn into more advanced annually and the followers seem to be very pleased with it. But THQ has decided to shake up their plans about their latest wrestling recreation. They need to let the fans have a very new WWE gaming experience from this yr and the mystery will likely be unveiled on the Digital Leisure Expo this yr. The publisher has planned two individual WWE based games this 12 months, WWE SmackDown! vs. Raw 2011 and a brand new recreation referred to as WWE All Stars. The first will launch later this fall and the later is predicted to be obtainable from early 2011. The two games, as stated by the THQ officials, can be distinctly different from one another, both visually and gameplay wise. Let's take a look at the synopsis of those two games right here.

WWE SmackDown! vs. Raw 2011

THQ guaranteed that the visual effect of the newest model of SVR 2011 will likely be fully different. Due to the new physics system; any further every desk you crash by, every chair shot you are taking and every ladder you leap from; it can appear like extra true to life. How the wrestlers will use them is up to them. They may bash them on the opponent or use them for extra advanced architectural violence. For instance, they may lean one ladder in opposition to one other to make use of it as a launching ramp or stack a desk on prime of another. So when the body crashes through it, it seems to be cool. Developers are planning to use this new physics to the vehicles as properly. Things appear to be much more thrilling.

WWE All Stars

If you happen to search for an over-the-prime recreation, WWE All Stars is what's going to suit you most. This model new wrestling promotion is being developed by THQ San Diego and veteran sport designer Sal DiVita is the brain behind this mission. He's leading the WWE All Stars Creative Team. The identical workforce has additionally labored for 2008's TNA Impression sport. The control of this recreation is completely different and reportedly rather more fascinating than SVR. In consequence, the game play expertise will probably be much more vivid and fascinating for the gamers. The combos are simply superior. The sport seems to be a compelling combination of outdated and new skills of WWE superstars. So maintain your breath as far more will likely be revealed this about WWE All Stars in 2011. Until then, keep tuned!

Kurt Angle's current contract with TNA expires this August. In latest months, Angle was probably not vocal about his former organization WWE like he was once within the first few months when he left it. In sure occasions, he even expressed his desire to depart TNA. All of these incidents started speculations that the former WWE superstar might make a return to it. Nonetheless, very just lately Kurt Angle addressed all these rumors to be false and hinted that will not ever return to WWE again.

Why did Kurt Angle go away WWE?

These are two foremost causes behind Kurt Angle's exit from WWE:

• Kurt was not happy with the artistic workforce of WWE. He was getting good publicity, was being concerned in great storylines however he believed WWE was not using him to his fullest. Also, he was probably not proud of the way in which wrestling matches were shaping up. He wished to exhibit his athletic excellence to the fullest, however he was not allowed to take action, as he clarified in a lot of his interviews after leaving WWE.

• The second cause was even more vital. Angle was not happy with the tight schedule that WWE usually has and he believed it was taking a toll on him. He wanted a lighter schedule which WWE was not keen to offer him. Kurt Angle then though of disassociating him with the group.

Why is Kurt Angle not going to rejoin WWE?

Time heals every part and the same is a truth on this case as nicely. Kurt Angle always accepted the truth that it was WWE that brought him to skilled wrestling which led to all these applaud that he at present enjoys. Things went bitter when he left WWE but now he likes to regulate his tongue earlier than making any foul feedback on WWE. However, that doesn't mean he's going to affix WWE again. He's extraordinarily proud of the way his TNA career has formed up. He has hinted that he might stop wrestling altogether however he will never once more join WWE. He would higher be concerned in TNA, not as a wrestler, but he'll prefer to be a part of it and entertain audiences.

Coronary heart failure induced the death of one other former WWE star Lance Cade. The wrestler died a untimely dying on the age of 29 solely. Cade aka Lance McNaught was a pupil of the "Coronary heart Break Kid" Shawn Michaels and started his profession in 1999. Cade quickly turned an expert and worked in Japan and was later signed by Vincent Kennedy McMahon in a developmental contract.

Within the 12 months 2003, Lance Cade was teamed up with Mark Jindrak as an emerging tag team they usually were given a spot in Uncooked. The tag crew spilt a 12 months later and Lance teamed up with Trevor Murdoch. The duo spent three years together and in addition gained the WWE Tag Team Championship during this tenure. The duo had received the tag titles 3 times and each Cade and Murdoch were thought of as the subsequent era WWE superstars.

However despite a considerable hike to his in-ring character, Cade failed to succeed in the heights as a singles performer and was lastly launched by WWE in 2008. He joined FCW, the developmental territory of WWE in September 2009 and was launched from there as effectively in April 2010.

Details on the reason for his dying are yet to be revealed. Throughout his total career Cade battled prescription drug points and that reportedly was instrumental in his release from WWE. At the moment, he was in the midst of a major storyline developed around his mentor Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho. Cade was scheduled to headline a professional wrestling show at Sumo Corridor in Tokyo, Japan on Aug. 29. WWE formally released a press release on thirteenth August, 2010 and the organization extended its deepest condolences to the McNaught family. Several current and former WWE superstars like Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Matt Hardy have been surprised by the untimely loss of life of Cade and conveyed their prayers and thoughts to Cade's family.

Only some weeks back, the wrestling fans were shocked to see a cameo look by Booker T in a Friday night TNA house show in Lake Charles, Texas. The TNA officials had announced earlier that as a result of AJ Type's incapacity to perform that evening's primary occasion; he will be changed by none other than the "5 Time WCW Champion." Booker T. Booker tried to play a heel during his cameo and so as to take action; he appeared down upon the TNA fans and the promotion itself. Booker said he is here solely to win the TNA World Heavyweight Title. Because it happens within the cameo appearances, Booker fought nicely however succumbed to RVD, the TNA World Heavyweight Champion following a 5 Star Frog Splash.

This look drew some consideration of the fans as Booker has parted ways from TNA final yr and reportedly shares a sour relationship with the TNA management. He was severely criticized for poor locker room presence and was all phrases about how he can be a part of WWE at any time when he wanted. To make things even worse, he even refused to take the job to Matt Morgan, then thought-about as a less in style TNA wrestler. This was a severe violation of company guidelines and TNA determined to not entertain Booker further. Since then there was no Booker T in TNA and after this cameo appearance, fans thought this would possibly the first step of his return to TNA. However TNA officers have confirmed that it was only a one-time take care of Booker and no further negotiation has taken place in the intervening time.

There were rumors that WWE continues to be all for Booker T, however only if he decides to keep up a full schedule. But on the age of 45, this may properly not be doable for him. WWE thinks he isn't necessary enough to appear as an element-time wrestler, one thing that HBK or The Undertaker enjoys at these later years of his career. WWE refused a similar proposal in case of Jeff Hardy and RVD as properly which was a significant component of their signing with TNA. Now we had to wait and watch Booker's subsequent step which is able to actually decide his profession as an in-ring performer.