#but honestly looking at it just. is a lot. and logistically I know I genuinely am the best version of myself currently

[hobisexually]

x

[jnnul]

riding enhypen hc's <3

a/n: entirely self-indulgent filth is at your service! i spiraled & sunoo's is genuinely dangerous. word count: 1.4k genre: nsfw...straight smut.

yang jungwon

freaks out

when you asked him if you could ride him, he freaked out

first, he had to figure out the logistics, then why you wanted to do it in the first place, then - !

you tell him to just stop thinking and let you make him feel good

so when he hesitantly agrees, he's still worried you're somehow going to manage to hurt yourself

until you finally, finally ease yourself down, pausing every so often to get used to his length

and then you bottom out

and jungwon sees heaven

he's too busy trying not to cum like a virgin the second you bottom out to remember why he was so worried in the first place

looking at his expression, you move to lift yourself off of him when his hands find your hips and keep you seated

"don't move. feels good."

you almost laugh at the neanderthal language your boyfriend is using but suddenly, he's guiding your hips forward and you're too shocked to laugh

goddamn. you knew it would feel good for him but not this good

jungwon never tries to control your movements when you have sex but clearly, this was a new experience for him

you like it. a lot.

as you do it more often and jungwon gets more used to it, he likes being a little more dominant by telling you to stop or keep going

mostly because knowing that you like it makes him horny as fuck

lee heeseung

b e g s you to do it

except he manages to do it in a way where you’re convinced that it was your idea in the first place

tries his best to keep his hands to himself

fails every time

kinda like jungwon, his hands always just naturally gravitate towards your hips

loves to control your pace and drag your hips slowly against his

bc he knows how much you hate it

he makes sure to bring you to the edge and rip your pleasure away at the last second

he's a fucking asshole (and you tell him as much) but he just laughs and kisses your tears away

definitely the type to tell you to sit slowly only to knock the wind out of you by thrusting suddenly

loves it when you grab his shoulders, trying to steady yourself

he gets such an ego boost when your thighs are shaking, and your grip on his body is too tight

he likes knowing that he's the single man on earth who could make you feel this good

will 100% kiss your collarbone when you're leaning over him

riding him is fun, teasing but also really romantic when he wants to be

absolutely will not flip you over, even when you get tired

"you're tired? that's alright, baby. we've got all night and nowhere to be."

park jongseong

such a cutie patootie bc he's always thinking abt if you're going through too much trouble

honestly, you would only be able to ride him when he's really tired

or when he's feeling a little down or when you just wanna spoil him

bc he l o v e s it when you ride him but he's always so worried abt you :(

sits against the headboard so that you can have more stability

presses so many kisses against your chest and neck

loves it when you're slow and grinding against him, just enjoying how full he makes you feel

loves it even more when you're riding him like it's the only thing you can think of doing in that moment

absolutely runs his hands up and down your thighs as you wrap your arms around his neck to kiss him

always is kissing you btw

no matter how fucked out you are (or he is, tbh) he's always kissing you bc you're going out of your way to make him feel good

just so incredibly love w you

will absolutely be asking if you want him to flip you over and make you feel good

doesn't believe you when you say that riding him does make you feel good

accidentally leaves bruises on your hips from how hard his grip is on you

kisses every single one of the bruises he leaves because he feels so sorry :(

definitely a groaner and his head falls back when you bottom out

he's such a romantic omg

jake sim

so excited cannot control himself

will beg you to ride him and is not ashamed of it

"yeah and you would too if your s/o was as hot as mine."

is kinda silly abt it because for him, pleasure is the ultimate goal

so even though you're riding him, he will 'accidentally' thrust upwards just to see you gasp

absolutely the type to do goofy shit in the middle to see you lose your breath

gets such an ego boost when you're sweating, trying not to cum before him when he's making it so hard for you

is a rlly sensual person so if the vibe is kinda serious, he will absolutely be pushing your hair back, pressing kisses against your shoulders

prefers you to ride him when the two of you are sitting

like sitting in an armchair or some shit

he feels like he's closer to you and he rlly likes the feeling of you clinging to him (kinda like heeseung)

is super versatile? like he gets turned on by pretty much everything and is into everything

so he can go from having a rlly serious vibe and kissing you senseless while you're seated full of him

to bouncing you on his dick faster than you can even register the switch

gets such a kick of adrenaline when you're fucked thoughtless when you're riding him

especially when you're babbling nonsense about how you don't want to stop and that you're in love w his dick

ABSOLUTELY goes feral for the praise

park sunghoon

one serving of a cocky ass mf when you first suggest it ("LMAOO you like like me")

kinda like jay in that he feels bad at first bc he rlly only lets you do it when he's feeling rlly tired

or when he just wants to be taken care of

since most of the time, he likes it for you to just sit back and relax

when he finally gives in though, he enjoys it to the fullest

absolutely accidentally edges you while he edges himself

everything feels so intense that he just needs you to stop every so often for you to catch your breath

and for him to get his head straight

but his thoughts grow cloudier and cloudier the longer you ride him

eventually, he gives up the reigns to you and that's when the fun really begins

he's such a sweetie when he's so far gone

tries his best to be quiet but just starts babbling when you ride him like it's the only thing you can think of doing

his hands are all over your body, trying to find something to anchor himself to

mark. him. up.

loves feeling special to you and feeling like you'd never give anyone else the chance to make you feel good like this

i wouldn't say that he's subby necessarily but he kinda gives into a more gentle and pliable side of him that you normally don't see

and when he cums, good god praise him so much pls :( he deserves it

kim sunoo

actually the best person to ever ride (i say this from personal experience)

slightly more dominant than usual because he loves seeing you melt when he takes control

snaps his hips up when you least expect it to see you whimper

gets such an ego boost when you lose your strength and fall into his arms

will hold you close to his chest as he fucks into you

kisses you when you're leaning into him

very slow and steady and purposeful with his movements, making you want more when he does the slightest movements

laughs when you nearly pass out after you cum (not in a mean way) (in a slightly mean way)

thinks you're absolutely adorable and likes watching you fumble for a couple moments before he starts guiding you

honestly probably doesn't let you do it very often bc he has to be in a very specific mindset for it

probably only happens when you're feeling RLLY needy

it's also probably just foreplay to him before he flips you over and fucks you until your mind goes absolutely blank

might even get freaky with it

do not get surprised if he ties your hands behind your back with a tie or smth

and tells you to 'get moving' in teasing way

overall, unlocks a side of him that you rarely get but absolutely love every time that you see it

[virgoilluminati]

A Match Made in England

Episode 1: Just two kids from england; the ups and downs of football...

A/N: This got put as mature (i have no idea why hahah) so I've re-uploaded it to make sure it's appropriate.

Series Masterlist | Next part

Episode 1

Settling into the inviting cushions, you became a tableau of spring comfort. The distant hum of a camera being activated blended seamlessly with the rustling leaves outdoors. Levi, the seasoned producer with a knack for drawing out personal narratives, sat across from you. His demeanor was calm yet engaging, a reassuring presence amid the studio's buzzing equipment.

"Okay, where to begin..." you mused aloud.

Levi nodded thoughtfully. "What about signing for England?"

The scene transitions to a bustling pressroom years earlier, where a 17-year-old you, with long, flowing hair cascading down your back, sat nervously next to Sarina Weigman after being signed to the England national team.

Reporters leaned forward eagerly, their cameras clicking and pens poised.

One interviewer asked, "Y/N, you're the youngest Lioness to join the senior team. Do you feel the weight of expectations?"

With a shy smile, your long hair framing your face, you responded, "Honestly, it's an honor to be here. I'm just going to give my best and learn from these incredible players and coaches."

Another reporter chimed in, "Y/N, what do you think you bring to the team at such a young age?"

You took a moment, glancing at Sarina for reassurance. "I think I bring a fresh perspective and a lot of energy. I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm eager to soak up as much as I can from my teammates and coaches. Being young means I have time to grow and improve."

The flashback showed you nervously twiddling your fingers as more questions came your way.

"Do you feel any pressure considering your brother's legacy in football?" one reporter asked, the question hanging heavily in the air.

Your smile faltered for a brief second before you composed yourself. "Of course, there's always pressure when you're following in the footsteps of someone successful. But I'm here to make my own mark and contribute to the team in my own way."

Cutting to a childhood flashback, you and your older brother Noah were seen playing football in the backyard, his encouraging voice guiding your early steps in the sport.

Back in the present, you ran your fingers through your now slightly shorter hair, reflecting on that moment with Levi."

"I probably would've lied back then and said I had nothing to prove. At the time, I truly hated people who asked me about my age," you laughed. "I hated people knowing I was so much younger than everyone else, you know. I guess I felt belittled and also very undermined."

Levi looked intrigued. "How come?"

You sighed, thinking back. "I don't know, when I look back on it now, l'm like damn, you know. I was just a kid. The amount of pressure I was under—"

The little screen continued to display snippets of that press conference, overlaying the commentary, "Y/N Morrison, only 17 when she first started playing for England. Now, at 19, she stands as the youngest player in the senior squad."

Levi leaned forward with genuine curiosity. "Can you tell us more about Noah? How did he influence your journey in football?"

Another childhood flashback played out, this time of you and Noah practicing together, his supportive presence shaping your early skills and love for the game.

Levi continued, his voice gentle and probing. "Do you think some of that pressure came from your brother and the legacy he left behind?"

An awkward pause hung in the air before you let out a light laugh, breaking the tension. "Uh, yeah. Haha- I don't think being the sister of an already well-known Morrison did me any favors, no."

As the crew members bustled around, adjusting cameras and discussing logistics for the next segment, you took a moment to collect yourself, reflecting on the profound journey you had just shared and preparing to continue with the interview.

The screen seamlessly transitioned into a poignant montage. One particular video clip unveiled a pivotal moment in your shared narrative. It was a chilly evening at a local pitch, where a younger you, barely a teenager, kicked the ball around with a sense of determination mirrored in Noah's watchful gaze. This seemingly ordinary moment turned out to be a precursor to the journey that awaited you.

The video shifted to a rainy afternoon at a school tournament, where Noah, now a mentor as well as a brother, stood on the sidelines cheering your every move.

The camera caught a glimpse of Noah sharing insights and encouragement, laving the foundation for a dvnamic that encouragement, laying the foundation for a dynamic that extended beyond sibling ties.

As the montage continued, it unfolded a series of snapshots: Noah consoling you after a tough loss, the two celebrating victories with infectious joy, and the subtle exchange of nods and smiles that spoke of an unspoken understanding. Your story went beyond the spotlight, a tale of shared passion, shared defeats, and the unwavering support that siblings uniquely understand. Y/N Morrison, shaped by the echoes of Noah's footsteps, began to carve her own narrative in the beautiful game.

The scenes shifted to a day of reckoning, the moment you received your call-up to the national team. Noah, now a seasoned player, embraced you in a tight hug, the pride in his eyes telling a story of shared dreams realized. And then, the turning point. Y/N Morrison, amidst her brother's legacy, emerged as a rising star in her own right. The torch passed not just through genes but through a bond forged on countless pitches, a bond that shaped you into the player you are today.

In a touching moment, the montage included a clip where, as soon as a match ended, Noah handed his sweat-soaked shirt to you—a symbolic gesture of support and shared triumphs.

As the montage concluded, the screen faded back to the interview room, where your reflective gaze spoke volumes.

Levi, now deeply moved by the narrative that had unfolded, adjusted his notes and looked at you with a newfound respect for your journey.

The interviewer, acknowledging the depth of your shared journey, posed one final question.

Interviewer: "Looking back now, how do you see your role within the legacy you and Noah have created in the football world?"

You, with a thoughtful smile: "I see it as a story still unfolding. Noah laid the foundation, and now I'm building upon it. lum-"

Levi nodded approvingly, allowing the weight of your words to resonate in the room. However, the interview had ventured into personal territory, and you couldn't shake off the vulnerability that surfaced with the last question.

Emily, noticing your unease, interjected gently, "Why don't we take five, everyone? Y/N, take your time. We can continue whenever you're ready."

You nodded gratefully, feeling a mix of emotions after reliving such intimate moments of your journey.

You walked off the set, feeling a whirlwind of emotions after the intense interview. Emily followed closely behind, her pace matching your thoughtful stride.

"Did I do okay?" You asked with a hint of uncertainty. "I stumbled at the end—"

"You did great, Y/N! Don't worry," Emily reassured her with a warm smile. "These guys can be quite intense, don't worry I'm sure Jude is in Madrid right now, getting the same level of interrogation. Why don't you wait here—" She gestured towards the makeshift living room that had been set up in one of the spare rooms. "I'll call you back in ten?"

You nodded gratefully, finding comfort in Emily's words. You entered the cozy room, furnished with plush cushions and soft lighting, and sat down on the comfortable sofa. The room exuded a sense of calm, a stark contrast to the a stark contrast to the bustling energy of the studio outside.

As you waited, you pulled out your phone and began scrolling through messages. Moments later, a text from Jude popped up.

Jude: Hey there, dove! How's the hot seat treating you?

You grinned at his message, appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood.

Y/N: Surviving so far! They didn't ask me about my secret dance moves yet.

Jude: Phew, dodged one there! Remember, if all else fails, just dazzle them with your best dance move.

You chuckled softly, enjoying your playful banter despite the distance between them. You felt a surge of warmth and affection for Jude, grateful for his ability to make you smile even in challenging moments.

Your messages continued, Jude teasing you about his own interviews and you responding with playful comebacks.

Jude: Hey, have you thought any more about Madrid?

You hesitated, your heart sinking as you read his message.

You took a deep breath before responding.

Y/N: Jude, please. I can't have this conversation again.

Jude: It's been six months, Y/N. First it was the press mania, then it was your sister's baby, now it's this TV show. When are we going to talk about it?

Your fingers hovered over the screen, conflicted emotions swirling inside you.

Y/N: My answer hasn't changed, Jude. I love you, but I love my life here too. Things are finally starting to settle down, and—

Jude: No, they're not. You're lethargic, you're sitting out almost every game now, you're always not sleeping-

Your heart raced, tears welling up in your eyes. You couldn't bear to have this argument again.

Y/N: I've been helping my sister, Jude.

Jude: But it's not just that, is it? Your barely eating, your constantly distracting yourself with work. You need to take a break.

You felt a pang of guilt. You knew Jude was right, but you weren't ready to face that reality.

Y/N: Jude, I can't have this row again.

Jude: Y/N, I'm trying to be there for you, but you won't let me in!

You closed her eyes, tears streaming down your cheeks as she struggled to find the right words. Your eyes scroll along judes words once more, lethagic, trouble sleeping, weak fitness, trouble eating...

He was right of course. Ever since the end of the world cup, you had become incredibly tired, with limited energy for the basics of tasks. You had made excuses that it was the press interviews, the constant ware and tare of family life and fame, or even sometimes just thinking you weren't getting enough hours. Deep down, you knew it was something more.

As much as you would regret it, there was a part of you that wished it was a ACL injury, something that yes would take time to heal, but could be cured. Atleast you'd know what was wrong with you. Instead whatever kept you up at night, made it difficult to keep down food and made it impossible to stay on top in football games, was tearing both you and your relationship with Jude apart

Setting your phone down on the sofa, you walked over to the kitchenette area to pour herself a glass of water. As you stood there, contemplating your next move, you felt a sudden pang in her abdomen—a sharp cramp that caught you off guard.

You winced, clutching your stomach as you leaned against the counter. It wasn't the first time you'd felt this way lately, but it was a stark reminder of your ongoing health struggles.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, you returned to the sofa and picked up your phone. With a determined expression, she typed out a message to Jude.

Y/N: Good luck with your match tonight. See you monday

Jude sat in a cozy room tucked away within the Real Madrid training grounds, the distant echoes of his teammates preparing for their final training session before the upcoming match seeping through the slightly ajar door. His phone buzzed incessantly with messages from you. With a faint sigh, he retrieved it from his pocket and read your latest text:

"Good luck with your match tonight. See you Monday x." His jaw tightened in frustration; you had once again changed the subject, avoiding the difficult conversation he knew you were reluctant to have.

"Jude, you still with us?" Romeo's voice cut through his reverie. Jude blinked, refocusing on the Spanish producer seated across from him. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry about that." He slipped his phone back into his pocket, mentally shifting gears to engage in the interview.

Romeo chuckled knowingly. "No worries. Let's continue.

Your journey in football-from your early days in Birmingham to now playing for Real Madrid-has been remarkable. How do you reflect on your career so far?"Jude nodded thoughtfully, a flicker of nostalgia in his eyes.

"It's been a whirlwind, mate. Starting out at Birmingham City as a young lad, then moving to Dortmund, and finally landing here at Madrid-it's been nothing short of a dream come true. Each step has taught me invaluable lessons, both on and off the pitch."

Leaning forward with interest, Romeo probed further."You've undoubtedly faced numerous challenges along the way. What would you consider the biggest challenge of your career?"

Jude grinned wryly, his mind drifting momentarily to thoughts of you. "Well, besides dodging defenders on the pitch, adapting to different leagues and cultures has been quite the challenge. Each club has its own unique style and expectations. But hey, I thrive on challenges; they've helped me evolve as both a player and a person."

Romeo's eyes sparkled with curiosity. "And what about the immense pressure of playing for a club as prestigious as Real Madrid? How do you manage that?"

A faint smile tugged at Jude's lips as he thought of his experiences. "Oh, you know, I just pretend I'm still kickin' it back in Brum with me mates. Nah, seriously though, the pressure is immense, but it's also an incredible privilege. Playing for Real Madrid demands peak performance every day. I rely on my training regimen, the banter with my teammates, and saying focused on my goals."

Romeo chuckled at Jude's casual demeanor. "Looking ahead, what are your personal and professional aspirations for the future?"

Jude leaned back, considering. "Well, professionally, I want to keep raising the bar, winning titles with Real Madrid, and maybe snaggin' a few Player of the Year awards along the way. But personally, I want to be there for the people who matter most to me, supporting 'em in every way I can."

Picking up on the personal note, Romeo inquired further.

"Family and relationships seem pivotal in your life. How do you manage to balance the demands of your career with your personal commitments?"

Jude's expression softened with a genuine warmth as he thought of you. "Ah, it's a juggle, mate. But having a strong support system makes all the difference. My family, friends, and my girlfriend-they keep me grounded. Despite the challenges and the distances, we find ways to make it work."

Romeo nodded, impressed by Jude's candid responses.

"Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Jude. It's been a pleasure."

"Cheers, Romeo," Jude replied warmly, though his thoughts were still partly occupied by concerns for you. As the interview concluded, he couldn't shake off the growing determination to support you, despite your stubbornness. It reminded him of the first time he had got sick, a couple weeks after they had moved into your family home.

Jude lay in bed, feeling utterly miserable. His head throbbed, his throat felt like sandpaper, and every muscle ached. He had caught a nasty bug, and it was knocking him down hard. Despite his condition, he had a match later that day, and he knew he had to rally.

You, always the caretaker, had spent the entire morning fussing over him, bringing him tea and making sure he took his medication. You were a natural nurse, your concern evident in the way you flitted around the room, fetching blankets and adjusting pillows.

"You really don't have to stay," Jude protested weakly, though secretly grateful for your presence.

You chuckled softly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. "Of course I do. Who else is going to make sure you don't forget to take your medicine?"

Jude managed a weak smile, reaching out to grasp your hand. "You're too good to me, you know that?"

"Just rest," you insisted, squeezing his hand gently before heading out to run some errands.

The next morning, Jude woke up feeling marginally better but was still under the weather. You, on the other hand, woke up feeling awful. Your head pounded, your nose was stuffed, and you felt like you hadn't slept at all. Despite feeling under the weather, you stubbornly insisted on going about your day as usual. You had meetings to attend and training sessions to oversee-there was no time to be sick.

Jude watched you with increasing concern as you hurried around the apartment, trying to ignore your symptoms.

"Y/N, maybe you should stay home today," he suggested again, his voice laced with worry. "You look like you could use some rest."

You waved off his concern with a weak smile. "I'll be fine, Jude. It's just a cold. I can't afford to miss work today."

Jude sat up in bed, his expression earnest. "I know you're tough, but pushing yourself when you're sick won't do you any favors. Let me take care of you for a change."

You paused, torn between your determination and Jude's heartfelt plea. You sighed, knowing he had a point but not wanting to admit defeat. "I have so much to do today, Jude. I can't just stay home."

Reluctantly, Jude nodded, knowing from experience that you were fiercely independent and determined once you set your mind to something. "Okay, but promise me you'll take it easy," he said softly.

Hours later, you returned home earlier than expected, your face flushed and your eyes watery. You sank onto the couch with a defeated sigh, clutching a box of tissues.

"What." You sniffle, your eyebrows frowning.

"Nothing." Jude says with a glint of a smirk.

"Stop smiling." You respond

"I'm sorry, it's just i told you so."

Jude, seeing your exhausted state, moved closer and gently took the tissues from your hands. "Why don't you let me make you dinner tonight?" he suggested, his voice tinged with concern. "You've pushed yourself enough today."

You looked up at him with a stubborn glint in your eyes, still not fully willing to concede. "That actually sounds really nice," you admitted reluctantly, finally allowing yourself to relax.

Jude smiled warmly, relieved to see you starting to unwind. "I'll take care of everything. You just rest and recover," he said softly, knowing that even in your stubbornness, you trusted him to take care of you when you needed it most.

But now, he wasn't so sure. Ever since the World Cup he had begun to see a change in you. You were absent most days, granted he was in Madrid which didn't help, but even on days when you could have dinner together, your mind was always somewhere else.

He understood the pressure of being the world champions, the demands to make public appearances, but sometimes he wished that you hadn't won. Not because you didn't deserve it, but because it was taking a huge toll on you and there was very little he could do about it.

***********

Leah glanced over at you with a raised eyebrow as you took a breather during your training session at Arsenal's practice ground. You had been noticeably tense all morning, and Leah, her teammate and close friend, couldn't help but address the elephant in the room.

"Yeah, okay, but what's up with you two at the moment?" Leah asked bluntly, wiping sweat from her brow. "You keep picking at each other like cats in a sack."

You sighed, your frustration evident as you leaned against the goalpost. "It's just... we've been on edge lately. You know how Jude can be sometimes."

Leah nodded knowingly. "He's a good guy, but he can be a bit cheeky," she remarked, recalling a recent incident.

"Remember that comment he made last week? You were fuming."

You rolled her eyes, her irritation flaring again. "Yeah, and rightfully so. Sometimes he doesn't think before he speaks."

Leah gave you a sympathetic look. "Look, I get it. But you two have been solid for ages. Maybe it's just a rough patch.

You should talk it out."

You sighed heavily, running a hand through her sweaty hair.

"I know.. it's just been one thing after another. First the media frenzy, then family stuff, now this reality show nonsense he's pushing for. It's like we're not on the same page anymore."

Leah nodded in understanding. "Relationships take work, especially with all the craziness in your lives. But you guys are strong. Don't let a few bumps get in the way."

You nodded thoughtfully, grateful for Leah's perspective.

"You're right. I'll talk to him. Thanks, Leah."

Leah flashed you a reassuring smile. "Anytime. Now, let's finish this training strong. No distractions!"

With renewed determination, you and Leah resumed their training, focusing on their drills and pushing themselves to perform at their peak. The afternoon sun beat down on the training ground, casting long shadows as you ran through your routines.

As you practiced, you couldn't shake Leah's words from your mind. You knew Leah was right-you needed to address the tension with Jude before it escalated further but as much as you wanted to clear the air, doubts nagged at you.

Leah noticed your distracted demeanor and decided to lighten the mood. "Hey, Y/N, remember that game against Chelsea last season?" she asked with a grin.

You chuckled, grateful for the diversion. "Oh, don't remind me. That was a tough one."

"Yeah, but you scored that amazing goal in the last minute!" Leah exclaimed, mimicking the commentator's excitement.

"The look on their faces was priceless."

You laughed, the tension easing slightly. "Yeah, that was a good moment."

You continued your banter, reminiscing about past matches and sharing stories from your time on the pitch. Despite the weight of your conversation earlier, you found herself enjoying the camaraderie with Leah, grateful for her support.

You and Leah resumed their training drills at Arsenal's practice ground, your focus returning to the swift exchanges and precise footwork demanded on the pitch. The air was alive with the sound of coaches' instructions and the rhythmic thud of balls being kicked.

After a particularly intense sprint, you paused, a slight grimace crossing you face as she clutched her abdomen.

Leah, noticed this, her brow furrowing with worry. You had been training together for years, and Leah had noticed your occasional bouts of discomfort over the past few months, especially since the incident during the World Cup where you collapsed briefly.

Leah slowed her pace, coming alongside you. "Hey, Y/N," she began cautiously, "perhaps what I should be asking is, whats up with you lately?"

You sigh defeatedly, indicating to the pain in your stomach. "It's cramps. "They come and go, but they've been worse lately. It's stopping me from sleeping and making it hard to eat-"

Leah's expression softened with concern. "Since the World Cup?"

You nodded, avoiding Leah's gaze for a moment. "Yeah. It started then, but I didn't think much of it at first."

Leah frowned, her mind racing with possibilities. "Have you seen a doctor?"

You hesitated, her voice quieter now. "Not yet. l've been putting it off. I don't want it to be a big deal."

Leah shook her head gently. "Ah now i understand Jude's frustration recently. Y/N, your health is important. You can't keep ignoring this."

You sighed again, your frustration evident. "I know, I know. I just... I don't want it to affect my game, you know? And with everything else going on..."

Leah nodded sympathetically. "I get it. But you can't keep pushing yourself like this. Promise me you'll see someone soon?"

You met Leah's gaze, her resolve firming. "Yeah. I promise."

********

You stood in front of the mirror, smoothing down the fabric of your emerald green dress. The soft candlelight flickered around you, casting a warm glow in Jude's apartment. You had gone the extra mile tonight, not just with your appearance but also in preparing a special meal for Jude. As you heard the door open, you turned to see Jude entering the room.

"You look stunning," Jude said softly, a brief smile appearing on his face as he closed the door behind him.

"Thank you," you replied with a shy smile, feeling a mix of nerves and anticipation. "I thought we could use a quiet evening together. No cameras, no distractions just us!"

Jude nodded, his eyes lingering on you appreciatively. "It's perfect," he murmured, though his mind was still clouded with the tension between you.

You sat down to dinner, the delicious aroma filling the room as you exchanged polite conversation about work and football. Jude was keen to lighten the mood, steering the conversation towards a recent match.

"So, what did you think of our performance against Barcelona?" Jude asked, taking a sip of wine.

You smiled, grateful for the change in topic. "I thought you guys played brilliantly in the second half. That goal you scored was top-notch."

Jude grinned, a hint of pride in his voice. "Thanks. It was a tough match, but we pulled through."

As you continued discussing tactics and upcoming fixtures, Jude noticed how you winced slightly every now and then, how you seemed to sit more rigidly than usual.

"You seem a bit off tonight," Jude remarked gently, reaching across the table to take your hand. "Is everything okay?"

You hesitated, your gaze flickering away for a moment.

"Yeah, just tired from the week, I guess," you replied, forcing a smile.

Jude searched your eyes, sensing there was more you weren't saying. "You know you can talk to me, right?" he said softly. "I'm here for you."

You nodded, grateful for his understanding, but unable to voice your worries just yet. The conversation shifted back to lighter topics, but the tension lingered between you.

After you finished your meal, Jude cleared the dishes while you tidied up the table. You could feel the pain in your abdomen intensifying, a relentless throb that seemed to squeeze your insides like a vice. You tried to push through it, not wanting to spoil the evening.

Jude glanced over at you, concern etched on his face.

"Damn it, y/n" Jude's voice echoed through the kitchen, frustration and worry pouring out in a torrent. "How can we be together if you won't let me in? Do you even trust me?"

You froze, your heart sinking at the raw honesty in his words.

You knew he was right, knew you had been keeping him at arm's length out of fear and stubbornness.

"I made dinner tonight to try to change this, but we keep arguing," you retorted, your voice tinged with frustration and hurt.

"You keep doing this to yourself, y/n!" Jude's voice cracked with emotion, his frustration palpable. "Pushing yourself until you can't anymore. Why won't you let me help you?"

You looked up at him through tear-filled eyes, your face contorted with pain. "I'm sorry," you managed to say, your voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't want to ruin tonight. I just wanted one night... ONE night where it wasn't about how I was feeling. I wanted to celebrate you-."

Jude takes a sigh, loading a couple of dishes into the dishwasher before turning back over to you. "And this is surely the best way to celebrate me- being quiet and constantly wincing in pain-."

"No- !" You try to finish your sentence before the pain pulls you down, you stabilise yourself on the edge of the table, dropping a fork on the ground. A annoyed sigh leaves your body, as you attempt to pick up the fork. Jude glances over, reminding himself, that despite how stupid you could be, he still cared about you.

Jude turned around at the sound of your stifled sob, his annoyance quickly giving way to concern as he saw you doubled over in agony. Without a word, he crossed the kitchen in quick strides, his heart pounding with worry.

As he glances over, he see's your weak body, attempting to keep you from falling down. Jude's expression softened, guilt washing over him as he realised how much you had been hiding from him. As he saw your body give way, he closed the distance between you, gently taking your arm to support you.

"Hospital. Now," Jude said firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument.

You nodded weakly, clutching his hand tightly as you hurried out the door, the weight of your unspoken fears finally giving way to a shared resolve to confront whatever lay ahead.

[kivaember]

What does Rusty think about Pater, Hawkins and their lurid office romance? I mean, aside from probably hating them for being corpos of course. Pater's impression of Rusty was one of the more humorous bits from the game so I wonder if Rusty was aware of him doing it... Ditto for O'keeffe too, one of Pater's lines says that O'keeffe looked out for him and he gets upset if you kill O'keeffe so they must've at least had a positive working relationship.

CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER im going to ramble about Pater and Vesper dynamics now LETS GO

I hc that Pater likely joined just under a year before they were sent to Rubicon, and most of that year was spent with him being used as a glorified dogsbody. He was a Gen Ten, the most ~advanced~ augmentations, and likely was put on the Vespers as a demonstration of their technological prowess or whatever. Pater was a young, ambitious corporate ladder climber too, so he was very skilled at brown nosing and putting forth the correct persona depending on who he was talking to.

Just one problem: the Vespers are full of freaks.

Freud refused to acknowledge his existence beyond what was mandatory (tho he's like that for anyone who isn't a) his direct chain of command, b) snail or c) a good opponent), Snail privately resented him for his advanced augmentations and was low key trying to figure out what their benefits were so he could steal them for himself somehow, Maeterlinck was very neutral towards him bc she's actually the only sane person in this goddamn group and is just here to collect a paycheck and a good retirement package, and Swinburne saw him as competition that was going to snatch his Vesper number from him or leapfrog over him to the next number just like Rusty did.

So, his reception wasn't exactly the warmest. O'Keeffe wasn't warm towards him either, but O'Keeffe doesn't play promotion politics (he's already set for life and enjoys various perks the other Vespers don't) and he treats Pater as any other subordinate. O'Keeffe's a bit odd, but he's forthright and fair, and Pater appreciated that, esp as O'Keeffe gave him some helpful pointers on how to navigate life in the Vespers.

Rusty was a little more enigmatic, and Pater honestly could never get a good read on him. Superficially, Rusty was very friendly and always willing to chat whenever Pater crossed paths with him, but Pater could tell that Rusty's smiles were very practiced and artificial, and that there was very little true warmth in his eyes.

Actually, Pater genuinely thought Rusty was like him: just a better actor. Pater admired Rusty for his effective masking skills and studied him closely to better his own masking and friendly persona. Like, Pater was good, but he knew that sometimes he could be a little off-putting bc he either didn't strike the right tone of his smile wasn't quite right, but Rusty was very charismatic and charming and such a good liar, so Pater definitely jotted down a lot of mental notes and tried to emulate him.

(Rusty had no idea about this but he definitely would've been peturbed to know that Pater admired him for being such an amazing liar dfhdfhdf actually i want to write a Pater pov drabble about Rusty being a liar now-)

NOW ONTO HAWKINS.

Hawkins is a little like Maeterlinck where he's actually kind of normal, but, there is a but here: his augmentation time wasn't as easy or clearcut as the others'. He came on the heels of the rather fatal and dangerous Gen Five and Gen Six experiments, and it rests heavy on him that his Gen Seven augments were safe only because of how many lives were lost before him. So, he looks at Pater and sees a young lad totally oblivious (lol no) to the highway of bones he walked on to get to where he is, and wants to guide and look out for him.

Which turned out easy enough since Pater was delegated to help Hawkins out a lot with his logistical issues. Pater, thrust into a group where majority of them saw him as either a hindrance or competition, basically huddled under Hawkins' protective shadow bc Pater's a survivor and a ladder climber and he knows to stick to his useful assets and allies like glue.

Hawkins developed feelings for Pater, and yes there was the telenovela drama of oh no, i can't, he's my junior!!! but eventually Hawkins came clean and Pater calculated.

He does hold genuine feelings of affection for Hawkins, but he also ran all the calculations on what this relationship would bring him, how useful it'd be, its pros, its cons, and after weighing all that was like yeah it'll give me more than i'll lose so let's go for it!

Pater, I feel... DUAL NATURE and his emblem make me feel that Pater is well aware of the life he leads, where he has to don a mask to get to where he is and further. i don't think it's meant to represent like, a split personality or anything like that, but more like a representation of what the cutthroat, capitalistic society has forced him to be.

You don't promote being honest and earnest and trusting - you just get stabbed in the back. You have to get close to those who can do things for you, enter into deals of "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" to create a web of favours and obligations and "put in a good word for me!" or "oh he's such a nice guy, let's do this for him". You have to be good at donning the right mask, the right persona, at watching someone you have affections for be cut down and in real time make the very conscious and sharp adjustment of "oh my god no" to "ok ok you have to think what this'll give you you have to think about how you can use this" bc Hawkins being dead means he's lost more than just the emotional support, he's lost the material, the physical, he has to focus on "how can i turn this into a win?"

That turned way more rambly than I thought shhsadfd but Pater fascinates me because he really is a product of the kind of corporate society in armored core 6. There's no honestly, no earnestness, no true self. Just masks upon masks, ruthless social calculations, and stuffing down any true feelings because the only real comfort you get in this world is success and winning.

i have completely lost the thread of what he question was but i hope you enjoyed that ramble???

[shayjay26]

big long rant

Okay okay so I love looking for and reading bad brackendra fics cause they’re fucking hilarious.

But some of them are good, like really good

It got me thinking, about the logistics of Bracken’s immortality and Kendra’s age again. About Ronodin’s immortality. About Lena’s

My first impression is ew, especially with Bracken, right? But Brandon wrote it so it’s ew, even if unintentional, he did.

Would it be wrong in every situation, no matter what?

We know that Brandon claims their minds are young, which does justify some things, except for the fact that their actions prove otherwise. If their actions proved Brandon’s words would it be okay? Would we believe it?

What if they genuinely felt like that? What if they were genuinely at the maturity of that age? A lot of the reason dating laws exist is because of the difference in maturity. And even though I don’t think 18 should be the cutoff, it’s why it’s there. 

I mean, I still find it weird when people think once a child is 18 it’s suddenly okay to like them. Because your brain stops maturing at around 25. For me, it’s all about maturity. If their maturity was genuinely at that level, would it be okay? Would it be separate enough from their wisdom and experiences from their long life?

Another thing that got me thinking was an essay I wrote for my English 1010 class. One of the sources provided mentioned the brain affected things like attraction. 

This source provided an example of how a tumor, pushing against where attraction is created, forms pedophilic thoughts and urges in someone. And while yes, this is bad, could it be the same in other scenarios? Could the way the brain is arranged cause different, uncontrollable, emotions and feelings?

If their brain was arranged in such a way, if the part that controlled their emotions was shaped in such a way, they wouldn’t have any control over it. It’s not some malicious or creepy feeling anymore, to them at least.

If they were genuinely at the same maturity, genuinely had no control over their attraction, because that’s just how they were made, how they were built, would it still be creepy? 

Could they be considered the same age if their maturity was at the same level?

It’s like, I’m attracted to people my age. Because that’s how it should be, that’s how I was made. That’s how the thing in my brain is shaped. I’m not attracted to little children, because it’s wrong, and it’s not how I was made. If all of those immortal beings were made to mature at a certain rate, and made to be attracted to certain people, are their feelings valid, or is their species as a whole just wrong?

Just some thoughts. Wondering how everyone else feels on the subject? Still undecided myself honestly. I want some opinions outside of my brain.

[sadalmostlesbian]

directors cut of just as it was!!!!

i remember genuinely screaming out loud when i first saw it pop-up in sejanus's tag because i'd been wanting to see a fic of that specific concept for SO LONG (and it definitely did not disappoint!). so i'm dying to know what inspired you to create it and what gives you the ideas to keep expanding on the story!

Ahhh thank you sm for the ask!

I didn't get super into TBOSAS until I saw the movie, even though I read the book beforehand. I liked it, but after I watched the movie... I just knew it was something I was going to get SUPER into. I immediately looked for TBOSAS content on TikTok and the first thing I saw was actually one of your Sejarcus edits! Then I started thinking more about the ship, went to ao3, only to find there were like 14 fics under the Sejanus Plinth/Marcus tag. I was getting a little annoyed at the focus on Coriolanus on ao3 so I thought... might as well write what I want to read. And I did!

When I started writing, I knew I wanted to explore Sejanus's childhood and family dynamic, and that he would escape to D13 with Marcus. But honestly, the rest of the fic I came up with while I was writing it.

I think the majority of the chapters had a certain scene/line/dialogue piece I was super excited to write, and in planning them out I would focus on the build up to that. (Also, I'm very focused on logistics and wanted to make the fic somewhat realistic, so I spent a lot of time plotting milage and train routes on google maps.)

Here's a list of my favorite scenes/lines from each chapter or the point I was trying to establish in each chapter.

This was mainly exposition, I just wanted to show the Sejanus and Marcus snow scene how I imagined it. Also introduction to Strabo Plinth's A+ parenting.

I wanted to kind of explore why Sejanus still acted so "district" even after living in the capitol for 10 years, and I thought the best time to cement an ideology was in childhood.

I just wanted Sejanus and Tigris to interact tbh

The beginning part of this chapter was to establish Sejanus and his father's dynamic in adolescence, the rest was a plot device to explain how Sejanus knew about D13

10th annual reaping scene from Sejanus's perspective

Zoo scene from Sejanus's perspective (not much else to it tbh)

Domestic/child abuse angst, Strabo Plinth being consumed by fear but not knowing how to express it, and an excuse for Sejanus's house staff to hear about Marcus and tell him about the tunnels

This chapter was ANNOYING. OMG it took me so long I did NOT want to write it. It was mostly just planning thier escape. I think the only thing I enjoyed writing was Sejanus's interaction with Marcus at the very end.

Two things I was excited about here. One being Sejanus's conversation with his father (specifically the line "but you don't care, right. As long as your family name isn't tarnished, whether I live or die is of no consequence to you.) And secondly, the paragraph at the end where Sejanus kills the peacekeepers at the border.

"You really believe that?" "I'm trying to."

I was totally inspired by Roman Roy from Succession at his father's funeral for this one, him looking down at the grave and saying "can we get him out?" Just totally reverting back to a childlike state during a traumatic time. That's what inspired Marcus saying "Can we get her down?" I was... far too excited to write that line.

I like writing characters with accents, and Mr. Hadley is inspired by my grandfather (kinda), so he was fun to write and develop as a character.

The kiss scene. That's it tbh i was literally giggling at my OWN writing while writing this chapter.

I love this chapter SO MUCH. It's my favorite by far, but I'd say the part I was most excited about was when Marcus is begging the ppl in D13 not to take Sejanus away because I think it's just a clear moment of vulnerability for a character that tries to come off as very tough and unemotional. But in that moment he can't be because they're taking away the only person he has left.

"Your father’s legacy destroyed my home, my people. It is a disgrace to those who died to allow his heir a place here when they were denied it." Also I love Levee and it's always a delight to write him.

I was just world building 13 here tbh

I really like this chapter but I'd say my goal was to let the teenage characters finally be teenagers. I liked writing Sejanus's internal monologue when he's in the cafeteria and kinda delving into how bullying sticks with someone even when it doesn't make sense.

The goal was to let Marcus be vulnerable (and in conjunction, let black men be vulnerable)

For this chapter I really focused on using small details from canon and working them into my fic. Like how Coriolanus says that Pluribus is good at keeping a secret so I made him a rebel informant. Also I just love Tigris, and shitty Coriolanus Snow verging into insanity.

[unclassedguy]

Jjk 261 leaks ahead:

Alright I was going to post about this in the morning but I got distracted and needed time to process everything anyways.

I don't usually share my thoughts on the new chapters publicly but I will make an exception now 😔.

Yap incoming

ok, so there were a lot of theories floating around before 261 about if we would actually be getting a gojo comeback or not. Honestly, some people pointed out why gojo reviving might not be the best decision for the story, but I was placing bets on it anyways because I too was pretty bummed by his end and also because my naive self chose to believe it was the most likely choice for gege to make.

However I did try to keep my hopes reasonable, choosing to belive that it could just be a hallucination.

Truthfully, I didn't think it would be Kenjaku. I'd seen the theory that it could be them but I honestly doubted gege would do that. Yet in the depths of my copium filled soul I had always been holding onto the hope that kenjaku would somehow return to the story. When I tell you my secret little stash of cope was as potent as some gojo fans im telling the truth 😭.

I honestly hoped maybe it would be kenjaku, just maybe. This morning I sought out the leaks and you know what I saw? This:

I was DYING. For a second I thought gege had really done, I was in disbelief, I was in shock, I briefly wondered if this was a joke.

AND THEN I WAS SO HAPPY. I was like: Yes! Answers! Yuji-kenjaku interactions! An unexpected twist in the fight! Forget the logistics of how kenjaku ended up in Gojo's body, I was going to trust gege's cooking and enjoy the chapter before taking a step back and critiquing anything.

And then I read that it wasn't kenjaku. It was Yuta using kenjaku's ct.

I didn't want to belive it could be Yuta. Of all the outcome I thought it CANNOT be Yuta. Not possibly. BUT IT WAS. IT WAS YUTA.

I have felt emotional when consuming media before, and sometimes underwhelmed or critical when something didn't rub me the right way, but I'd never understood people who act so utterly devastated by an author's decisions.

I UNDERSTAND NOW.

I've been mourning all day man 😭. My gojo cope, my kenjaku cope, all of it down the drain just like that AND ALL AT ONCE. I genuinely am not sure what about this chapter gas prompted such emotion in me. Am I lobotomized after all? I choose to belive its the sheer shock of this chapters events.

Tbh, I read the rest of the chapter in a bit of a daze and I'd have to go back and look over it again to share any actual thoughts or analysis, but I will says some other things stood out at me about it.

first of all, I don't hate Yuta. He's not my favorite character but I don't hate him and I wish the best to you yuta fans, however yall are feeling. his line about how the others are so worried about becoming monsters, unknowing that they've forced that role onto gojo all this time hit pretty hard for me. And now Yuta is taking on the same role since gojo's gone. He's strong and is not just taking Gojo's body but in a way taking on his position as the 'monster' of the jujutsu world, even if only for the dubious amount of time he had left.

Also the way sukuna just, punches yuji aside 😭. Nahh. The disrespect. He rlly just sees yuta in gojo's body and tosses yuji away. Rlly hope my boy beats him up next chapter and it doesn't become a yuta-one-man-show.

Overall I'm dying, I'm crying, I'm gritting my teeth, I miss kenjaku, I miss gojo, rip yuta 😭

(Please gege give me my wife back. Even just a kenjaku flashback is enough. Gege pls.)

[darkonekrisrewrite]

Ochako Needs Toga and Toga Can’t Die

(Toga/Ochako Meta, Toga Survival Meta, Current Spoilers Warning)

Ochako needs her Villain alive, free but close to her and Toga can’t die, not only for her sake but also because Ochako can’t achieve the goals she bet her life on without her.

Toga and Ochako connected and formed a real bond ^.

And it’s one of the most important moments in Bnha but it can’t end here for either of them.

Because neither can truly succeed or get what they really want without the other.

Or at least Ochako can’t.

Because anything Ochako (based on her current Final Arc goals) wants to do, without Toga, she can’t do.

Ochako’s Microphone isn’t going to cut it anymore

The only reason Ochako’s Speech to the Civilians worked was because she told them exactly what they wanted to hear, that they would be protected and returned to normalcy.

Literally begging them to care about the Young Hero who has fought and suffered for them all this time while swearing that they’d get exactly what they want.

She was also very lucky in that some of the Civilians had prior experiences with Deku and supported the sentiment.

Kota and the Heteromorph Woman.

Another advantage she had was that her current goal of helping Deku was aligned with that of the “System” (Endeavor, Hawks, Jeanist and Nezu); no one with any real power was opposed to Ochako.

That’s definitely not the case this time, with her current line of thinking.

Everyone will be opposed to Ochako now, both heroes and civilians.

Not truly for the sake of “Justice” or “Fairness” (if anyone, heroes or Civs. really wanted either of those things; half the Villains wouldn’t be Villains at all) but because both groups stand to lose a lot by accepting that the villains are human beings and their continued existence and autonomy.

(This ^ was their response to being asked to help Deku by letting stay at the heroes own shelter)

If the civilians needed so much convincing just to take some risks to help their Savior (Deku) then no amount of crying, begging or screaming is going to convince them to help their enemy (Toga).

A Path that would require them to take a serious look at their way of life and actions, admitting they’re wrong and make the difficult but extremely necessary changes.

With everything the Bnha Civilians have been shown to be, the only logical outcome of (Megaphone or not) peacefully asking them to change, it’s not going to work.

The civilians are the ones that haven’t shown any desire to change, not in any way that was really genuine.

And the Civilians won’t want to change because all they want is for everything to go back to their selfish “normal”.

(Their ideal normal under All Might ^)

Reminder that any Core Lov member’s life is worth infinitely more than any number of “Innocent” Civilians.

An example of a Hero who definitely won’t be on board with Ochako’s new Path is: Shoji “Shine bright until the one kicking you down feels bad” Mezo.

Whether Ochako (currently or later) realizes it or not, Shoji’s “Heroic Answer” is fundamentally opposed to her own.

Toga and Spinner might not be the same in many aspects but they’re not incomparable, in how society rejected them and in how they came to be villains.

Just like any person so negatively affected by their Quirk (mentally or physically) could become a future “Toga”; any Heteromorph treated cruelly enough could become a future “Spinner”.

And in dealing with these issues in the present, Ochako and Shoji (mostly) reveal how they’re going to deal with them in the future, and their answers couldn’t (logistically) be more different.

(Any timeframe of when that’ll happen???)

Shoji’s personal answer was for him to: “Become the coolest Hero ever”, which honestly I still don’t know what that means.

Coolest as in: Popularity? Heroic strength or influence? Inspiring others the next generation?

Shoji never specified anything about whom or what he wanted to be and he never said that he was actually going to help the Heteromorphs.

He even threatens the other Heteromorph’s children that they’ll be targeted next if they don’t stop, despite the fact that he was a target himself a few years (to current time) ago as a child.

Taking this all together, it doesn’t seem like Shoji’s going to be doing much at all for the Heteromorphs and he’s basically told them to behave until the people who carved up his face (for saving a child) feel bad.

Basically a whole lot of nothing.

Ochako isn’t like that.

She persuaded Toga as an equal and connected with her despite their differences, never putting herself above the person she was trying to convince.

Working with the person suffering directly and offering something real, something that really helps.

(An actual “Helping Hand” being given ^)

And while she hasn’t come right out and said things systemically need to change, the fact that she was willing to go so far to help Toga and committing to that future “for life”, shows that she’s only one step away from reaching that conclusion.

That actually, Heroes do need to directly intervene in situations like this and they should, in that it’s the right thing to do.

Because that’s what a real Hero would do as opposed to telling those suffering to “shine” and then trying to be the “coolest Hero”, whatever that entails.

Even if this doesn’t lead to conflict within the Hero ranks, it does show that Ochako’s not going to have a lot of allies going forward, even with just saving Toga herself.

Tsuyu and Deku might fall in there somewhat, but it hasn’t been made very clear about where they’ll really stand in the end on a larger view.

Whether Deku will expand on his “Helping Hand” previous answer or not.

The only person Ochako’s going to have “Going all in” is Toga.

Someone willing to do whatever it takes for the person they’re loyal to, to life or death, for better or worse, something the Lov specializes in.

Because while Ochako’s other friends are undoubtedly loyal to her, especially Deku and Tsuyu, the things they’re willing to do don’t really fall outside of Ochako’s own comfort zones.

For instance: If Ochako winds up rocking too many boats in hero society (even by just helping Toga) and the current government decides that’s not going to fly, what happens then?

(We still never got any specifics on what any of the “corrupt” Heroes did, more than a little suspicious.)

Because remember Lady Nagant was operating during All Might’s Era, so if Deku wins and becomes the next symbol of “Peace” there’s nothing stopping such things from happening again sooner or later unless Deku himself is willing to throw his own weight around, not against any directly hostile force but at the system/government itself.

Nothing so far has shown that he’s willing to do that.

The closest thing was Deku becoming a fugitive in the third Movie but he wasn’t really fighting against any government or similar institution, so I’m still going to say no there.

And looking back, who was it exactly, that took out the last hero Commission?

(The same commission ^ that employed child soldiers?)

Twice and Redestro did that.

It can’t be a “We’ll try to do better from now on” ending without any elaboration or resistance by every flaw of Hero Society already established.

It may be a Shounen Manga but it’s not a Disney Series, I think it’s fair to expect a little more nuance in things going forward with all the buildup that just keeps coming.

Ochako isn’t going to succeed without Toga

Because nothing her heroic standards will allow her to do will be enough to really make anything better, to prevent more “Toga Himiko” variants from being made.

She doesn’t have the power or the willingness for violence to force change if the Government and Civilians say no, which based on everything we’ve seen so far, they definitely will say no.

No Hero has both these qualities together.

The Lov need the 3 core Heroes to become brighter versions of themselves but the 3 core Heroes need the Villains in case they need to be darker versions of themselves.

Giving the villains hope and giving the Heroes Teeth.

Especially true for Ochako and Toga.

That I think (and logically is) is the only middle ground, working together to meet between Naive Heroic optimism and Nihilistic Villainous destruction.

Toga can’t die because Ochako can’t follow through on her Arc’s conclusion and future (greater) Hero goals without her.

It just isn’t possible.

Now Logical reasons why Toga can’t die:

While Toga did and still does want to live and die her own normal way, she obviously didn’t want to die so soon.

And while she did seem to choose death over imprisonment, I don’t think that was truly the reason so much as Toga wanted to save Ochako no matter the consequences.

It was a factor but not the prime reason.

And keep in mind Toga did survive this:

(With this many small bombs going off inside her body and the damage she was shown to take afterward, I think it’s reasonable to assume that she can handle Blood loss for a while.)

Also This:

Toga did stitch up Ochako’s wound already so the blood isn’t still being lost in such a large quantity anymore.

And prior to the transfusion, Toga had taken Zero Damage in the battle, so she would have all of her own Blood amount going in.

Toga isn’t literally giving Ochako “All of” her Blood, she’s just replacing what was lost while dealing with a (mostly) closed Wound.

While it would definitely be draining for Toga, there’s really no way it should be fatal.

And even if it was leading towards that danger, there is one more person very nearby that should still be able to help, someone that shares Type B Blood (Ochako’s Type and Toga’s current transformation Type) and understands what Ochako is trying to do:

Toga and Ochako’s story can’t end here.

[tathrin]

3, 19 and 28 for the fic writer asks!

Questions taken from this ask game.

3. how you feel about your current WIP

Oh my stars I'm freaking obsessed with it, I love it so much. I have deliberately pushed everything else to the back-burner or further in order to keep focused on it, and I've never been able to (or interested in) maintaining that level of focus for so long before.

It's extremely difficult (and genuinely exhausting) to write in a lot of ways, in part because it requires a very specific Tone that can be hard to maintain, but mostly because even I've never tried to juggle THAT MANY details before, but it's also so damn much fun.

I have to constantly resist the urge to just post everything I have at once immediately because I so desperately want to share it all right away, but I know that with the amount of logistical STUFF going on in this story, I absolutely need to leave myself a buffer for adjusting things—so I can't. But it's very very tempting!

19. the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic

Okay I honestly can't come up with one that sticks out particularly (I've been writing for a long time, you kind of get inured to the idea of looking-up weird stuff lol) but the results of said searches that amuse me the most are the time that google-ads started showing me nothing but ads for a dragon-dildos website as a result of whatever I had been researching at the time for like three weeks...

Said research, btw? might have involved googling dragons once or twice, but definitely have nothing to do with sex toys. Or sex at all, actually. So that was quite the leap to make.

Also, I learned that there was at least one website that specialized EXCLUSIVELY in dragon-themed dildos (which in the early 2000s was more surprising than it would be today, tbf).

28. your least favorite part of the writing process

Hmm honestly probably coming up with the titles tbh! It's sooooo hard, because you can't just slap any title on a story, right? It has to FEEL RIGHT. Sometimes (on extremely rare occasion) a perfect title or chapter title will just pop into my head—but more often than not, this part of the writing-process involves grumbling around for a long time trying to scrape something half-decent out of the ether.

Also waiting to see what people think of the results but that's more a part of the post-writing process shh.

Thank you for asking! Those were very fun choices.

[charonarp]

Fangame Inquiry

So...I've been trying to do some research into the logistics and legality of fangames and what is and isn't allowed, but I'm so confused because none of the examples share what I'm trying to do and doesn't help me know if what I want to do is okay or not...so...I decided to hop on here and see if anyone's able to give me a clear answer if possible.

Recently, I purchased RPG Maker (MV/MZ - got both since they share file sizes and I might like one over the other for different games), and had the idea to make 3 possible fangames: A Legend of Zelda fangame, a Curse of Strahd RPG, and a Thomas Sanders fangame.

I'll be focusing on the first two, since those are connected to large companies. I'm pretty sure I'd be in the green light with my third idea, haha :p

Starting with the Legend of Zelda one (Project Acorn - a temporary name), this is the one I'm the most confused about. With this fangame, I want to make an original story with original characters, which happen to take place in Hyrule and use the races from the game (Hylian, Gerudo, Rito, etc.)

During my research, many have stated that Nintendo is VERY unwelcoming of fangames, but from what I understand, it seems to mostly be due to games that share too much similarity and assets from their games? I plan to make a lot of the game's assets on my own: custom sprites, tiles, portraits, etc., so I don't know where my idea would lie in regards to legality.

I don't plan to call it "Legend of Zelda: ___". The main thing I'm confused about is if it'll be a problem with me using specific locations, temples and races, even if they're original characters and personally constructed. Like Kakariko Village, would I get in trouble if I had this as a location in the storyline? Would I get in trouble for using the word "Hyrule"?

I'm fairly confident that mentioning names of existing characters in the franchise would cause issues, but honestly, I don't plan to have them involved or mentioned at all in it. I genuinely want to make a fully custom story with my own characters in their own timeline/universe, in a time where there is no Hero of Courage, there's no looming threat due to the Triforce of Power or anything related to it.

I plan on making this game entirely free, should it be made. In fact, I plan on making all my fangames free, should I be able to make them long enough to publish. I am just one person after all, with no experience making custom tilesets or sprites or anything (pixel art is not my strong suit, but I'm willing to try). I just have a story in my head I'd love to see in an RPG format, that's all. I also plan to use custom or copyright free music for it as well. Even if I'm no musician, I do wish to learn.

For the second, I can see the Curse of Strahd fangame having some issues, considering the fact that I do have the idea of making an RPG fangame playing a majority of the plot from the campaign into it, but not exactly one-to-one. However, it'd use characters straight from the book, the only custom characters just being the character(s) you play and extras that may share importance to those characters.

This one I'm the most scared of because of this reason. Although I do plan on making the game free (should I be able to make it), I can definitely understand if this one in particular causes problems with wizards. I mean, it would also spoil a lot about the game...I just thought that Curse of Strahd would be a fun game in an RPG format, considering that it's a sandbox adventure that has the same plotline throughout the book, but changes drastically due to the tarot cards.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't make this game...hmmmm 🤔

Sorry for the long ramble, I'm just genuinely lost. If you tell me to "look it up", I tried. I hate looking up stuff like this because I'll find so many answers and none of them will answer my questions. There's so much information on the internet that I seriously don't know what's true or not by just one post.

Again, I plan to make these free, should I be able to publish them. I personally don't feel comfortable even charging money for anything I'd like to make in regards to games. I'm also pretty sure I'd definitely get in trouble if they costed money to play, lol.

I got inspired to try to make some games again thanks to my 14th re-watch of Markiplier playing the Hearts and Heroes fangame, haha. I tried making games before, but dropped it pretty fast due to being an inexperienced writer and not knowing how to progress at a certain point (I also didn't legally own RPG maker back them either, but that's all gone now lol).

I would probably ask this on Reddit, but I seriously don't understand that website and don't know where I'd even post this, lol. I am also very afraid of that site, so....yeah <_<'

Hope you take care! And remember to HYDRATE :D (Help idk how to tag-)

[crestfallercanyon]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

Thank you so much to @incorrectcoldflashblog for tagging me! Let's get started <3

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

Actually knowing I was writing fanfiction? I started on a different account for Fire Emblem Three Houses. The reason I started was because Claude was my favorite house leader and I found his story to be lacking in the game (I genuinely thought in the end he should have incited war on the church in that game -- I think he would have recognized them as while an asset for the war in the beginning to be an obstacle for the peace and free borders later and I really really really wanted him to then pick a war against the church; especially considering he had no personal ties to most of those that you fight in the big twist reveal at the end of the Blue Lions route). Then on this account I got into Coldflash because genuinely Barry and Leonard Snart's chemistry is off the charts and I wanted more screentime with the two of them.

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

Posted to AO3? In nine different fandoms. In my drafts and other works?... probably around 16?

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I started writing fanfic in 2020, so four years.

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Usually I write more, recently though I haven't been writing much at all and I haven't been reading that much either, but I'd say I read a little more right now.

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I think I recognize pacing better now, and know when I'm dragging things out intentionally for fanfic indulgence purposes instead of just dragging and meandering off like I used to when writing original fiction. Now my OG stories are staying on path better and so is my fanfic when I'm trying to write a cohesive story. That and I think I've gotten better at writing romantic affection, but that's still a work in progress.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Oh gosh, I've looked up a lot of weird things. I think the thing that got me my own national security agent to watch me (I'm kidding -- maybe, I suppose I don't know lol) is for an og story I wanted to know if poisoning a water tower would effectively kill the inhabitants of a small town because I wanted the entire town to have gotten wiped out by the time my main character came upon the town. Then I learned that water towers hold a lot more water than I thought (which already thought was a lot) and the amount of poison that would need to go in there would be a lot but actually flooding the town by destroying the water tower might work and would likely be more devastating visually for my main character to enter upon so I started to look into the logistics of that. This led me to a youtube video of just water towers being brought down and the flooding that occurs and the sounds they make and stuff on like a twenty or so minute loopable video? (gotta love people on the internet, who knows why this person made this but I appreciated it for research purposes. Which by the way, water towers are fucking loud if their basins get punctured), and yeah, that's the weird one I think of most often.

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

I just appreciate when people comment, honestly, but when people point out specific phrases they liked? That's lovely. Or when people tell me about certain foreshadowing things or symbolism they picked up on? (Whether I actually meant to do it in which yay that worked or I didn't even realize I did that in which that's so fun that you noticed that) it's always really lovely. But honestly, I just get delighted that people read my stuff.

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

Um, other than a fandom that literally only one other person has written in on my other account, I would say it's my Derek Hale & Allison Argent fic where Derek helps Allison go on the run after Allison attempts -- and Derek helps her succeed -- to kill Kate Argent by burning her alive in her house. I loved writing that fic and it's one of my favorites even though it is very much not most people's cup of tea and is extremely dark and doesn't really have any shipping (though it could be read as pre-slash as that was the original intent but I removed it because I preferred not to go that far in the fic itself).

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Lately it's any story, haha -- I just have been struggling to write anything lately. Um, but typically sexually explicit works is pretty difficult for me. I'd like to get better at it because I do think that there's narrative value to be had in being able to portray those scenes and the different dynamics that can come across during sex, but it doesn't flow out of me like other works can.

Also, if I leave a story alone for a little while, I feel this weird immense guilt and have a hard time going back to it because I worry it won't meet the hype of leaving it behind. Which is silly, but it's true.

10. What is the easiest type?

I'm going to be honest it really depends. If I can tap into the vibe of the story and just go? Then that's going to be the easiest. When I first started writing Coldflash I was able to just write a ton, or when I first got into Thomally for The Maze Runner, and for like the month of November I was writing Shameless non-stop and was just able to write a bunch of different one-shots there. Those were some gold-star writing times haha.

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Either my laptop or I carry a journal, and I also type little inspirations into my notes app if I'm at work and don't have access to paper. I write on AO3 and publish there. And it really depends! On the weekends I might go to a coffee shop and write so it's morning time. Other days I would write into the night and have written until really late before.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

I started writing this documentary style fic for The Maze Runner and I love it, I love the idea of it, I love all the little mental movies I can make of it -- but writing it? Making it make sense? I got myself all turned around and I've been too intimidated to continue, I just don't know how to map that out.

13. What made you choose your username?

I thought of names for a while but I wanted it to be short so I coudl remember it and then crestfaller just kind of came to me and I thought it kind of suited my vibe. Then I picked crestfallercanyon for tumblr because a) crestfaller was already taken and b) that'd be a bitchin' name for a canyon somewhere.

Thanks again for tagging me! Now it is my turn to tag others <3

No pressure tags! @jrooc, @landsofmyth, @its-tea-time-darling, @go-catch-a-chickn, @sproutwings

[pleasantpandemonium]

Tag Game

Tag 9 people you want to get to know better. I was tagged by @hayffiebird I have never been tagged in anything before so this is exiting!

Three ships:

Hayffie: My obsession with this ship comes in waves every once in a while. It has taken over my life occasionally since 2012 I believe. This ship is my main ho and my side ho. I love it! There is something about the opposite attract bit that makes me so fascinated. Haymitch and Effie also make for some great fanfic material.

Steggy: It’s good to have a healthy and wholesome ship in the mix as well. I love the badass woman x badass but sensitive man mix. They are the cutest and they also save the world. They are genuinely nice people whom deserve a good life. I love both of the characters on their own and I love them together. Agent Carter’s TV show is just peng, and it is the bane of my life that is was cancelled.

Tomshiv: My latest shipwreck on the other hand… they are not good people, they are not good for each other and you could argue that they make the world a worse place… buuuutttt… they are adorable. Tom, Mr. Darcy himself, is a sensitive asshole, and Shiv is a broken duckling looking for love while making fun of anyone who dares try. Their fighting is Shakespearian and they are thus my favourite soon to be probably divorced couple. Also, I gotta say, the acting is just 👌🏼👌🏼

First ever ship:

Probably gotta say Hayffie here too. I had no idea about fanfics, fandom or Tumblr before that. I remember beeing like 12 years old and spending my entire family trip to France reading fics. As a child that didn’t find much interesse in reading, this was a huge change. Gotta say, I think it improved my English skulle as well.

Last song: Gooey by Glass Animals is a vibe. I realy enjoy listening to the entire album. It just flows, you know.

Last movie: I can barely remember the last movie I watched. I have just been watching series lately. Succession and Barry has got me hooked. I feel like it might have been The Day After Tomorrow though.

Currently reading: War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells

Currently watching: well well well, here’s the big one. SUCCESSION! And I can’t wait for the last two episodes to drop. To anyone considering watching it, I say go for it! It will have a proper ending and it is more about 3(4) sassy siblings and their cousin Greg, than it is about the logistics of running a Fortune 500 to the ground. Honestly, it’s such a great show. The acting, the filming, the writing and the characters are just superb. Powerful people acting like 5 year olds is just the best.

I am also watching the last season of Barry, another show that is really referring to watch. It is peak. I am also really happy that they are ending these great shows become the go stale, or before they are cancelled without a proper ending *cough* Westworld *cough* 1899.

Currently consuming: In about 5 min it will be a taco. 👌🏼

Currently craving: Fooood… I just got home from work and I am starving! Also, more Succession!

I have never been tagged in anything before, so this is quite exiting. I hope I have done it correctly. Thanks again @hayffiebird for tagging me! I don’t know a lot of people on tumbler, so I guess I’ll tag. some people I have admired from the shadows for a long time. There is so much talent in this app and I really appreciate all the work you guys choose to share with the group ❤️

@caleysteggy @captainjimothycarter @hayffie-ever-in-your-favor @hayffiemoments-blog @captain-steggy @ellanainthetardis @flutteringphalanges @roboticonography @allonsysilvertongue

[magickedteacup]

In the waiting period for my last batch of agent queries, I’ve occasionally been going in and doing a little editing here and there for the novel. Mostly it’s just where I’m rethinking character interactions, logistics of things to make sure events are plausible, and fleshing out little bits where I start to allude to something, but didn’t go deep before.

Which is especially true for a few of the harder-hitting moments in the novel. I just hope it’s not disappointing or off-putting to people how sad the novel can get. It just gets relentlessly so, in a lot of ways, through stretches of the novel, before we finally do get to our joyful ending, which has been earned with blood, sweat, and tears by these characters… One of the interesting things about the early history of the Disney animation studio is that in the early days of publication of materials on the topic, historians would paint a golden picture of the place, and then there was a period where Disney got absolutely vilified, and nowadays you’ve got these two extremes… (and to clarify, I’m not talking about the company post 1960s or so, what the company became especially after Walt Disney’s death is a whole other topic).

In the last few months, I came across this article about Walt Disney’s childhood, and honestly, it was brutal in its frank, straight-forward details of what happened. It makes me think a lot about patterns of family trauma that I see in people like my dad, and my dad was an immigrant from Vietnam. Everyone likes to paint some kind of caricature of Walt Disney these days, throwing around the usual punitive phrases, and I’m sure that in a lot of ways the man would have infuriated me as a boss, (I know I’d be the kind of employee who goes around talking sarcastically about “The Boss” when annoyed with that Boss) but he was also a complex, interesting person, who was genuinely invested in his studio’s creative projects, and also pretty much everything about him makes sense if you look at how he grew up and the patterns of relationship behaviors he developed, interrelated with some of his inherent personality tendencies.

My point is, I barely touch on the topic of Walt Disney as a person in my novel, never mind that I try to make it clear that everything in here is a fictional analogue anyway, but a lot of the novel is this idea of writing about complex people who live in a complicated world filled with both a lot of joy and a lot of suffering. Even when I fully didn’t get the nuances of it, at 17 when I first came up with the idea for this novel, I’m sure that’s part of what drew me to the idea and the topic. I always said, I became interested in writing this novel when I saw that “I almost find the people behind these films more interesting than the films themselves.”

[humansun]

SUCCESSFUL BRAIN DRAIN!

Written Friday, August 11th, 2023 at 4:23AM

Good morning! Hello brain drain. I have plenty to write about today.

A few thoughts are:

Tanya + another aunt’s birthday is coming up, sweet!

There’s a million things running through my mind this morning

How do humans handle having so much stimuli in their life and head?

I was just thinking of something but it left me

Oh yeah sleeping an adequate amount of time every night actually affects my day and mood completely

Getting out of bullet points for a second to retrieve myself. I had an ample amount of sleep last night and I feel for the most part, very recovered from an exhausting day yesterday. Working out on less than 6 hours of sleep does not work for me and I have to accept that if I sleep late, I won’t be working out at 5am, because I won’t even put in my best for the workout. Plus, I’m lucky enough to have Fuzzy’s place as a backup gym!

Some thoughts that came into my mind this morning and crystallized in my mind was whether I genuinely like the person my partner is. The answer after all that thinking is yes, because he is a kind, integrity-based, and considerate human being, that cares about me and the people around him. 

As for the other traits that I’m not the hugest fan about - him sometimes being on his phone for long periods of time, his downtime is watching TV, his mealtimes are watching TV, he doesn’t really enjoy going to museums as much as I do, and he’s a super duper homebody. There are pros and cons to all of these traits like I get to be the person who travels while he holds down the house or something, but at the same time it would be nice to be with someone who’s on the same page about deep convos, living life relentlessly, etc.

However, I also recognize that he’s a Ravenclaw, and for that I am grateful. There are many traits he has that I don’t have, and the love he gives me is beyond what I could ever ask any human being for. I am hoping we grow together and build a world that makes us both happy and excited to continue to live and be great humans!

These mosquito bites and/or eczema are killing me! I don’t have enough self-control to not scratch. Anyways, that’s a little bit of what I was thinking about lately. Oh! I had LinkedIn Learning for the past month and didn’t use it except for 1 ⅓ of courses and now I am regretting my time not using it, since there was a lot of free information in there that would cost me $20 a month.

I guess it’s not the end of the world to pay $20 for usable knowledge, but it’s okay because I can potentially finesse to get that education somewhere else! I also am so proud that I’m now spreading my awareness of high-yields savings accounts with my friends and family. Let’s go! Let’s grow our moneys!

I’m really grateful I get to spend time with people that I love whether in the household, in my workplace, in my daily life, etc. I’m determined to continue to find ways to make my life sustainable because I deserve to live a colorful life, I do.

Jesus, there were a million and one things I was thinking about but now they all fled my mind. I guess another thing is my creative practice at this moment. It looks like its off as I’m applying to some programs that require written application materials, so I’m only exerting my energy towards that direction adn not necessarily towards storytelling or character building. I’m not going to lie, my life does feel a bit empty not practicing those things and I want to figure out how I can do it a little bit everyday.

Living a logistics filled life honestly feels boring, and I never thought I’d say this after years of doing logistics work in all of my event management jobs. I’m proud to have come this far and I wouldn’t be sure I’d think these thoughts had I not quit my normal 9-5 and questioned my life a little harder. I know I took a leap and it comes with its own challenges, but learning how to invest in myself time and energy wise is something I wouldn’t take back for the world.

At this time, perhaps I’m not the most financially free person in the world, but I’m also deeply aware that I want to live a normal person life and do normal people things like take vacations throughout the year and have trips to look forward to. I’ve never spent more than probably $500 on one person, but I’m learning that there is a gift of giving and surprising someone you love with something they would appreciate immensely.

Speaking of someone that I love, back on the topic of my partner because it’s important. He got a health screening and his health is alright, but I can’t help but think that I want my partner to take care of their own health so it doesn’t become a burden on me. I believe I could be thinking this way because I take my mom to the doctor pretty often and I almost feel like I’m parenting her.

I wouldn’t be parenting my partner, because obviously, he could handle his own doctor’s appointments, but in the case that anything sudden were to happen, I would take the grief and all the hits for another human’s lack of proactivity.

Perhaps its because I know how to take care of myself healthwise that I’m also projecting these feelings onto my partner. But - at the same time, my partner could also say the exact same about me and where I’m putting my money and how I’m not really working a full-time job, getting health benefits, etc. Thinking about the future is a really tough thing and how its going to pan out, but I’m hoping things continue to change in a way that is amazing and difficult and growth-oriented!

There were two things that were sitting in my mind yesterday that I wanted to massage out. The first one I’d say is how being grateful for people, even if what they do isn’t the greatest thing (to a certain extent, this thought) can be helpful. For example, my grandma’s crappy behavior may fuel a plotline in my story. Of course, I’m never grateful for the trauma we experience at all. But, I realized that all stories and characters experience conflict, and that conflict is usually inspired by our lives. It’s really interesting realizing that because it’s a very zoomed in thought.

Another thing, I was thinking about how there really is no way I can’t get to where I want to be when I’m this young, determined, excited, and pumped about what is to come in the future. There is no way I can’t. Especially if I keep trying. If I keep trying, then people will know about me, my path, and who I am. Even if I tried and things never worked out, something would eventually work out, even if it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

Like, I realized that I doubt myself alot and my work ethic and who I am. Like I think people hate me or dislike me, but I realized that a lot of people think I’m a cool cat and want to spend more time with me (although I don’t allow it because I’m busy and have a bajillion things to do). Realizing this gave me the confidence at least for yesterday to keep moving through and knowing that at some point all of this would pay off. Like there would be fruit to my labor. And I’m not super confident that I have faith, but I’m confident based on my experience, who I am, what I do to make people feel what they feel, etc.

I have a huge desire to use my Knott’s season pass like crazy right now. I think because when Fall and Winter come, it’ll cool down, and I’ll be able to go as often without worrying about the heat, and also to get our money’s worth! For some reason, I feel like we didn’t go that much this year and that bothers me. Why did they put time restrictions and meal limits to the season pass meal options? Why! It would be such a steal to come in and out without buying any food for a whole year - I could just sit there and do my work while eating some good junk!

Calorie deficit update - dude. The weight fluctuation is insane. Maybe 1270 or whatever the number is supposed to be is way too crazy for me. I still was able to weigh 129 about two times this week, which is surely a good sign. But I’m not entirely sure about how the progress will pan out for the rest of this month. Regardless, I’m proud of myself and think I’ve come very far since starting! Hopefully, I don’t burn out later.

Mom. She’s doing good. There is no point in my life that I am not grateful for her. Even if I’m mad, crying, or frustrated, I still feel grateful or her and I love her very, very much. Grandma is a different story but I still love her. It’s a lot of weight I’m holding, but I am happy to help as much as I can, even if I get mad.

The Artist’s Way is a next level book. It’s like reading a introductory wall text in an art museum that I’ve been waiting to go to for a long time. And I’m finally here, and I’m savoring every word. I think I could feel the intentionality that went behind this book and I feel that if there is a significant amount of intention behind any creative project, that viewers and people will recognize and relate to that intention. Jeez, finding intention behind all of my own projects is difficult. Even formatting a screenplay without the appropriate tools is hard too.

At the end of the day, I still feel like I’m at the very beginning of perfecting my craft and I’m okay with that. I think I’m okay because I got started and starting on anything is better than not starting at all. I’m curious to know if I could shoot something next week. That would be really fun! It’s really easy for me to get distracted when I type on the laptop, but I think using a bit of mindfulness and discipline will make it work.

Last thing, (wow, morning pages really work. I just want to keep writing because I keep thinking about things!) mindfulness was another thing that was sitting in my mind that I really am grateful for. Mindfulness keeps me grateful, in control, happy, content, etc in my life and without it, I think we would all go a little crazy. To spend more of my life being mindful means I will be living a more rich and happy life. Wow, so many things I wrote about today and I finally let out my brain drain. That was fun and I’m definitely coming back for more! 

P.S. Waking up at 4am is incredible because of the silence in the house and I highly recommend it to myself and others. 

[lettertoian]

Dear Ian,

We're only ten days from my due date with Alexander. We've been busy trying to get everything ready before he decides to join us, but I've come down with a cold or something so I'm finally being forced to slow down a little (really I've just switched to sitting-down-tasks like editing my maternity photos haha). I've been learning a lot about labor/birth and I feel about as ready as I'll ever be. I love Alexander so much already and I can't wait to hold him (!!), but also...

It's been just the two of us for twelve years and we're a perfect team, so honestly, it seems pretty scary to invite a whole new person into our family. I am nervous about a lot of things - physically, emotionally, logistically - pretty much everything lol but you are so optimistic and encouraging and excited! I honestly don't know how I'd do any of this without you...knowing you'll be there for me (& A) is what makes this seem remotely possible and exciting.

Based on his ultrasounds, I think he's going to look just like you and I genuinely hope he's a mini-Ian, but you think he's going to be a wild trouble-maker so we'll just have to wait and see. Anyways, I hope I'm feeling better by this weekend so we can go on one last date before our entire world changes!! Thank you for loving me so well.

12-4-22 9:51pm, written while laying next to you in bed while you work on gym stuff on your laptop ❤️

[olderthannetfic]

this is a genuine question. i am fully in favor of ao3 and the discourse around it makes my head hurt. but the argument that ao3 should add a warning for racism always felt like a good one to me. as much as i love the site and think antis are stupid thats the one point they have that I've never found a single good argument against, i feel like we should agree with them on that one honestly 😭

--

Part of the disagreement has to do with how warnings actually work vs. how people imagine they work.

How AO3 "archive warnings" are often seen:

Top most important warnings that we absolutely have to have for trigger reasons. These are the things we think are most serious.

What AO3 archive warnings actually are:

A short list of things that are very common, yes, but more important, that are highly enforceable. That's why 'dubcon', which is almost as requested as 'noncon' is not an archive warning but only an additional tag.

Archive warning = the abuse committee fields cases involving this tag, not "this is the most important warning".

However, I do agree that site structure shows our values. I have mixed feelings about adding this warning as a PR thing.

What the warning is supposed to do:

Racists often don't know they're racist and/or are malicious, so they won't add it themselves, but other fans can report a racist fic, and the Abuse committee will add the warning.

What will actually happen:

A lot of people will grudge-report each other's fics. The Abuse committee, which has been chronically understaffed for the entirety of AO3's history will get so backed up they take a year to rule on cases. Either a bunch of POC are forced to look at racism all day for no pay, or a bunch of white people are ruling on cases, also for no pay.

Most cases will be Klance fans reporting Sheith fics for existing, or the equivalent.

Many cases will be reporting POC who are exploring issues highly personal to them and either disagree with the reporter on the uses of art or who just aren't very good writers and failed at what they were attempting to convey. Nonwhite fans and fics centering nonwhite characters will be held to a higher standard, while fics about two white guys that ignore that nonwhite people even exist will get a pass unless they use slurs or something.

Now, I'm sure people will assume that's a strawman, but as someone who many years ago helmed the Abuse committee and who has lived through decades of fandom wank, I can tell you that any rule where you can report people to site management will be misused constantly, egregiously, and viciously.

AO3 has enough trouble handling harassment cases right now. Adding a whole other set of content policing, especially content policing that is relatively more ambiguous and that requires more cultural knowledge than "Does this story contain major character death" is a mess from a logistical standpoint. If and when OTW can pay its Abuse staffers and have like 10x the number they have now, I may feel differently. We are not close to that day.

CNTW:

The other problem is that unless this warning functions radically differently from how AO3 does now, people will just use CNTW as an ass-covering measure. If it is exempted from CNTW, that creates a whole other set of issues in terms of confidence in the archive living up to its mission.

Basically, in the form this warning is likely to take, it won't actually serve to label racist fic or make it more avoidable, so adding it would be a PR move.

Pros to adding it as a PR thing:

It would mean OTW taking a public anti-racist stance.

Cons to adding it as a PR thing:

Did you actually appreciate all those corporations with their hollow BLM emails and tweets? It was a bunch of hot air with zero useful action. One fear I've seen expressed is that OTW could add this warning and decide they'd done their part and stop there.

There are some fears that adding this tag would have a chilling effect on the participation of non-US fans, nonnative speakers of English, and fans writing nonwhite characters in general. How valid these fears are is debatable.

Regardless, there are tangible anti-racist actions OTW can take that will be far more useful, and they are taking them. These consist of building blocking features so that fans can avoid content or people they don't want to interact with.

Many people would like OTW to keep focusing on those features and not waste time on this largely symbolic gesture.