#and I'm worried they're going to make me stop doing everything during treatment

[babycatlix]

invisalign check-in: final trays and retainers!

not that i think anyone still cares about this, i kind of stopped updating after my first halfway check-in because everything was kind of the same after that. there wasn't anything really new. but i'll tell you everything that happened after that halfway check-in:

since my last check-in with my first halfway check-in i finished up my first 40 trays. i had 4 retention trays which i used to hold my teeth in place while my next set of trays were being made. i had another 40 trays for my second round and 4 extras again. however, after my second round, my teeth were mostly in the right places! i was actually told to not wear my retention trays so that my back teeth could settle. when you have invisalign, your back teeth will naturally form a gap between them because of the plastic trays. so they don't touch when you're not wearing your trays. my orthodontist said this was completely normal and that i would have a settlement period, time for my molars to settle back in place so they touch again. for me, this lasted for 2 months. yes, my teeth did move a bit during this period (which i hated), but he wanted my back molars to settle before he did the final refinements.

during my settlement period, i got to eat food without my trays in for the first time in almost a year and... it was something. feeling food on my teeth again was really weird and my lips kept getting caught on my attachments, so i kept biting the inside of my mouth 😩 i got to chew gum, which was also weird, and i got to eat whatever i wanted without worrying about my trays getting torn up or staining. i ate a lot of indian food during my settlement period 😂

after my settlement period my back teeth were touching again and it was time for another scan! he said that there were very minor refinements that needed to be made. i only had 10 more trays to go! i am currently wearing a retention tray from those final 10. when i went in for my final check-in a few weeks ago, my orthodontist took my trays out and looked at my teeth and these were his exact words, "your teeth look perfect!" and idk why but that made me so happy! 😭

there are 2 more appointments i have to go to. attachment removal and getting retainers. they are 2 separate appointments. i assume that it takes a day or so to make my retainer, so tomorrow (monday) i'm getting my attachments off! i'm assuming my teeth will feel weird just like when i got my brackets removed from my original braces treatment. i think they're also going to fix one of my incisors, it was worn down before treatment started, i assume from grinding my teeth. my right one is fully formed and the left one is missing a corner 😂 i also think they're going to take my after pictures! i didn't think my teeth were too bad, but looking at my very first tray to now, i am astounded at how crooked and crowded my bottom teeth really were. i think my orthodontist did an amazing job and i'm really happy with my results!

the second appointment will be on wednesday. i'll get my retainers and they'll tell me anything else i need to do or any future appointments i need to have. i do remember my orthodontist mentioning another settlement period while i have my retainers. he said something about cutting off the back of my retainters, basically cutting off the molar part and only leaving the front teeth with the retainer so my molars can settle again. when i take my trays out to brush, there is already space and my back molars aren't touching again after just 10 trays. so i guess i'll be having a few sets of retainers, which again is built into my treatment plan.

but yeah, my invisalign journey has come to an end! it was a fairly easy process for me. i didn't have any issues with my teeth not tracking properly and only got teeth scans when i was scheduled to. the pain was pretty minimal for me and i had a total of 90 trays. 40 for my first and second rounds and then only 10 for my final refinements.

anyway, i hope you're doing well! make good choices, stay safe out there, and stay hydrated my friends! 🩵

[mywheelieweirdlife]

I realised tonight that I struggle telling my new partner about my disability despite him being the most loving, supportive, wonderful person and one of my closest and best friends who is absolutely amazing with my conditions and already just automatically takes initiative to look after me before I'm even worried about my symptoms... like he goes 'that's not normal and okay' and just goes and does whatever I need, sometimes only asking permission because he knows I need something but can't do it and I don't like asking for help.... because my ex boyfriend was so ashamed of me that I literally can't wrap my head around the fact my current boyfriend can love me this much.

Because I was too loud, too bouncy, too much, too weird, because people stared when he kissed the person in the wheelchair and they made comments and because I was disabled and needed help and he didn't know what to do and wasn't able or willing to do it and refused to listen.

To the point where I'm surprised that my boyfriend got me a glass of water when I was in pain and he looked at me and went 'Ashley, that's lower than the bare minimum and you deserve so so much more than that' and then I cried about it for a week.

And that tonight, he took care of me with low blood sugar, and once we got home and I said it was definitely a wheelchair night because my legs were absolutely about to go, he undid my shoes and took them off for me and set up my wheelchair and then once I was in my chair, he just stood there cuddling me and playing with my hair for a minute and told me that I was beautiful and he's so lucky to have me.

He kisses me in public, he holds me in public, he pushes me around when I'm tired and flirts with me and tells me how cute it'll be when our little polycule has kids and he makes me feel beautiful and good and I laugh when I'm with him like I haven't in a relationship since fucking 2017.

And this absolute dork of a human, who loves me and I genuinely don't think he could ever be embarrassed by me based off the chaos we are together and how much he genuinely worships me (and it goes both ways)... I can't get myself to tell him everything that I hide about my disability.

The things only my best friend knows. The things I say in-front of him to friends in medical terms bc they're also disabled and we nod and get it and we lowkey discuss symptoms, but like, how do you just tell someone the symptoms of 'I have a weak pelvic floor because of an injury that my body decided to shut down from and now half the muscles in my pelvic floor have lost muscle tone and I'm trying to learn how to use them again but my condition also just turns them off sometimes' and that 'I deal with an injury that ruined my gut bacteria so on-top of that and muscle problems, sometimes my digestive system just stops for ages but I have a hormonal condition that fucks with insulin production so I still have to have something so I mostly have liquids and occasional solids until it turns back online and that has some not fun side effects.'

Or the good old 'I have cramping through my entire body during some flares that sometimes makes me an insufferable bitch to be around because I'm in so much pain I literally can't function or breathe through them and all I can do is try to sleep for a few days until it ends and I will not want you anywhere near me or my bed during those flares.'

And that maybe some of my conditions and concerns will change with treatments, but some of these are from the physical symptoms of traumas long term after effects because even if I can stop what caused the damage doesn't mean it'll 100% fix the damage.

I might be able to stop the automatic stress response that starts creating muscle tension so extreme it literally paralyses me... or I might have actually caused some nerve damage through that over the year and some of the sensation in my body may have been lost a little or be hypersensitive because my body is terrible with limits.

Like there was a time when I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed by this, because it's human and it happens and I was hurt and this is what happened from it... but that one ex who would constantly fight with me because he was so embarrassed of me and who I am, completely broke my sense of self and my self esteem by deciding my normal didn't matter.

That my body and my disability was too hard for them so they did very little to protect or help me and even when they did, they complained about it and I felt like a burden.

And my boyfriend doesn't make me feel like that ever, he's struggled to get my wheelchair in his car, but his response to that was about working out what he needed to move in the car. I had a seizure while out, a really bad one, and he carried me to my best friend's car, carried me inside when we got home after getting me coffee and put me on my bed and stayed there looking after me and cuddling me and we played CAH with my best friend and my niece.

Like this man has never given me a reason to doubt that he would do anything for me, he held my drunk ass up in the shower at my cousins after I got a smidgen too drunk to be safe on my own. And he also reminded the entire time that I was okay and safe and he loved me and wasn't there for anything but to get clean with me and make sure I didn't fall on my ass again that night.

And I trust him with everything I've got, I've always felt physically safe with him and as we've grown older and he's grown tf up a little (because guys in their early 20's are stupid, he's a few years older than me, but like, in the 2-3yr older range, not the creepy range) we've finally matched maturity and life points really well and everything just aligned perfectly for us and we realised we were more than friends... I trust him with more and more, including some of my biggest secrets and traumas and my dramatic personality.

But I can't wrap my head around how to trust him with the full extent of my disability, not because I don't want to, but because I'm really scared to after my ex shamed me and made me so uncomfortable and embarrassed with the surface level of my disability that I don't have the words for the harder more private parts of my condition anymore.

And that just hurts. I want to let him in fully and I want someone to see all of me and all my struggles and challenges and everything that I am and that's a part of me and love me not despite or regardless, but through it and with it all.

I want to be seen and heard and loved… and he would immediately, without a single doubt, I would be shocked if he reacted in a way that hurt me because at this point I'm finally learning to not be anxious saying things that would start fights in old relationships because he'll just say he's proud of me for telling him and that he loves me and that it's okay and he's here for me and ask what he can do to be supportive during the hard times.

But that fear and the look on my ex's face when I anxiously showed him videos by another wheelchair user who created entire YouTube series on disabled living and my ex asking 'do I have to watch and know this' with a look that honestly haunts me to this day and is burned into my memory and soul because it's also the look my father has when someone mention periods or starts playing WAP... it stopped me from being proud of myself for the last 3 and a bit years.

And now I want to share myself with someone that I love and trust and I can't yet and I hate it.

It's also why I'm writing my book. Because fuck we all deserve to feel good regardless of our disabilities and no one should be hurt like this because someone said stupid shit projecting their insecurities and bullshit onto us. I want to feel beautiful and sexy and passionate and be open and honest and optimistic about sex and living and working on this book (slowly af but it's still being worked on.) is helping a bit. The rest is shadow work, my friends and my partners.

But god I wish I could be more open and honest with myself and them about my struggles.

[portablechemist]

So a huge thing I've noticed in the initial separation is that my partner was a FIEND for cleaning, which I knew, but like... everything all the time had to be swept, wiped down, straightened up, etc. He'd sweep 3-4 times a day - once in the morning, after every meal, and sometimes as we were watching TV at night. He said it was to help with his anxiety, but if I let him do it on his own for too long (i.e. a few days), he'd yell that I never helped him (which is so funny, cuz I did all of the other chores except vacuuming). My cleaning was never good enough - he'd alway redo it, following up a few minutes after I cleaned. I couldn't leave mail on the table for more than a day, or I'd get a "when is this going to be picked up?"

Now that I'm not there anymore, things can just be... messy. And I'm not talking about unsanitary - just lived in. There can be some spillage from the cat litter and the mat doesn't always have to be aligned under it. I can leave a glass of water out to use the next day. No one yells at me or makes me feel guilty if I leave a cup of coffee out on my desk overnight. My grandma leaves crumbs on the table and reuses our napkins from one meal to another. She's left bread on the counter for the last couple days! And yeah, we wipe down the table after we eat and she does chores on Thursdays, but like... I left a wrapper out all night and no one 1) noticed or 2) got mad at me for it.

I woke up this morning to the cats having torn into their dry food overnight, and they made a mess, and y'know what I did? Lightly chastised them and cleaned it up. If that'd happened with my partner around, he would have yelled about it all day - at the cats, at me - for "not preparing for this" or "being too lazy to not do something about it before it happened". It'd set him off, and the rest of the day would be markedly worse because of it. But instead, it can just be a thing that happened. The day can still be good.

I'm noticing other things too - like, after the first weekend, I'm sleeping better and getting up earlier. I'm having more fun out and about with people, both in the sense that I'm doing more and I'm having more fun doing it? I'm singing more. I'm not driving as fast. I have more patience with the cats during the day (they're menaces when I'm working). My acid reflux has calmed down. And yeah, I still feel guilty, but it's really dropped off. I don't worry that someone's going to yell at me for something I didn't know I'd done or interrupt a meeting to talk about something banal. I don't have to reassure somone six times a day that I do, in fact, still love them. I don't have to worry about having one thing on the calendar for the weekend and that being "too much."

A lot of this sounds really nitpicky. Normal relationship shit that annoys anyone. But there were also times where he would freak out for hours on end - tell me how he didn't love me anymore, was thinking about getting a divorce, wanted to leave me. How - during the midst of my chemo treatment! - I was a child and couldn't do anything for myself and was the worst of my siblings and he was only staying with me so they didn't experience another heartbreak this year. How he couldn't control any of the shitty (and eventually, as I realized, abusive) stuff he said or did. How it was asking too much of him to ask him to stop hitting walls or himself, cuz how else was he supposed to get out his anger? His therapist said he needed to be able to express his feelings. Come to find out he'd never told his therapist (or anyone in his intensive group therapy) I'd called him abusive, because he didn't want opinions of him to change. Because everybody hates abusers. Because he didn't see himself as an abuser. Because my opinion, my perspective, my feelings didn't matter as much as his did.

Turns out, when you've got a reputation for being level headed and nice to most people and perhaps you put up with too much, if you tell people that you're leaving your partner, their first assumption is "whoa, he must have really fucked up." Which, when you've spent at least the last 5 years doubting your own feelings and perspective, is very validating.

[lenteur]

i really thought about whether i should leave clues or not, but i was terrible at them anyway 😭

of course, i want the people in my life to be healthy, safe & happy <3 i'm so happy your mum is there. whenever i was sick, my mum would be my angel <3 she would always feed me chicken noodle soup, bring me lots of blankets & chocolate <3

if i'm really invested in something i will stay up til 4am, i used to always be awake until like 7am when i was a teen and i would always regret it in the afternoon cause i'd be sleeping until 3pm :o i know exactly what you mean, i feel that way with a girl group i listen to. one member just outshines the rest of them and i think it's really unfair, i mean, i do think that the staff are maybe partly to blame but a lot of fans have noticed it 👀 i'm the same, i don't like drama. the only drama i like is drama in the show but if it's drama outside of it, i'm like nope. not interested.

i'm so so happyyyyy you like it!!! honestly, it meant so much but i really loved getting to know you <3 it was my favourite 🌷 you're so sweet, so so sweet 💗 pls never change, you're a lovely person ❤

oh so i'm either gonna watch the good detective or revenge of others, i'm not sure which one first. they're both kdramas <3 i think i've only seen three c-dramas (meteor garden, falling into your smile & a love so beautiful) i have a list of dramas i've watched and ones to watch and i tick them off as i go along :)

i remember you mentioning that one to me, i'm gonna watch that one after the one i watch this weekend i think....we shall see, i change my mind a lot about what i'm gonna watch

great minds think alike 💖💜

WE CAN SHARE CUSTODY 💘 i would have mentioned how GORGEOUS they were but i wanted you to see their faces first!!! 💎 OH MY GOD YOU ARE ADORABLE I LITERALLY MIGHT CRY STOP :( i have plentyyyyyy more photos of my kitties!!!! SEE BELOW

toffee tag

luna tag

oh please! you don't have to worry about your clues not being good enough. i am so bad at guessing things, even if the clues are as big as the Eiffel tower 🤣💔

the way you describe your mum is so cute and endearing 🥺💗✨ it reminds me of my relationship with my mum as well. matter of fact, we call each other guardian angel because of the way we always take care of each other ❤️ my mum is truly a gem, my treasure 💖 I'm so proud of being her daughter 💕

staying up until 7 am... don't remind me of that 😭🤧 I'd regret it so much but still do it. where's the logic? the favouritism in a group is unfortunately still a thing 💔 I just remember being a 2nd gg stan and during that era, the bias towards one particular member was blatantly obvious but I can't the one who received that treatment because they weren't the ones who wanted that to happen 😭 however, i think if you want to blame someone for that, direct your attention to the company because the idols have little to no power in the way they're promoted. I can still see that happening in this new generation (gg and bg alike) and it makes me wonder if companies did learn anything about what happened in the past 🤔 don't they remember how favouritism has torn groups apart? how it creates a toxic environment in the workplace? how most of the idols they're debuting are so young they have no idea what's normal and not normal? tldr; just stop it with the favouritism! I can understand you want to send your most popular member to make the group known but, as for everything in this world, know how to balance things... why do I keep writing novels for random subjects but I can't seem to do so when I need it the most? 😭🤧

tysm 🥰😘 I hope you don't change as well because you're amazing just the way you are (bruno mars copied me btw)

oooh! I've heard of those before hehe I hope you enjoy watching them 💘 and if you do want to talk about them, I'll pretend I've watched the show to fangirl with you 😏 oh so I see we have another thing in common? I also like to make lists of shows to watch but then I end up with a list of 6374848 shows before I even finished the first one on the list 💔 which is why now I'm only putting shows I REALLY want to watch in my list ☺️ I'm smart I know no I'm not 🚫

AAAAAAAAH IT FEELS SO GOOD TO FINALLY BE ABLE TO OFFICIALLY CALL MYSELF LUNA AND TOFFEE'S MOM/AUNT 😍🥰💘💗💕💖❤️✨ first of all, I'd like to thank heather for allowing me to share custody with her 💞 I'd also like to thank rose for hosting this wonderful event and allowing me to meet one of the most wonderful people ever 💘 and finally I'd like to give myself a pat on the back because I had some strong arguments that convinced heather 😹 (more like I forced you to share custody but we won't talk about it 😜) if you see me reblog all photos on both their tags, no you don't it is just an illusion 👀🧙🎩🪄 (putting a spell on you so you won't notice my strategy)

[jedi-bird]

Behold, my most ambitious crochet project yet. My partner loves Blue from Jurassic World, so since I've been eyeing some dinosaur patterns, I decided to try and make them one for our anniversary. Both arms are currently done; the first one took most of the morning and involved many restarts until the pattern finally clicked (this is pretty common for me unfortunately). Wire will be added to the claws and arms later to make her posable. Fingers crossed I can finish this in time.

[the-original-skipps]

Fluffy Alphabet A-Z

Sano Manjiro aka Mikey

Note: Thank you so much for 100+ followers. I wouldn't have been able to get his far without your support. I'm super overjoyed and glad that you guys take the time to read my writing. I love you all very much as promised I hope you enjoy the fluffy alphabet! 💗

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

> Mikey likes to go for rides on his CB205T and he likes to bring you along. He just loves the feeling of the wind passing and your presence behind him. Maybe sharing some snacks while you both watch the sunset or the starry night sky, talking about random things. He just generally likes being around you even if you're both just sitting in silence.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

> He admires your determination and strong will. Since Mikey is mentally weak, he admires those traits in other people. No matter what you'd always be there to scold him or comfort him. It reminds him of his older brother.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

> Mikey instantly knows if you're feeling down, he just senses it. He'll bring you somewhere where they could both be alone maybe a park or he'll drive somewhere and sit you down. Mikey won't force you to tell him what's wrong but if you do he'll be listening intently. He's not the best at comforting people but makes sure to let you know that he's here for you.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

> Now this is a hard topic to answer. Mikey has pictured a future with his s/o, living in peace after all the rush during his teenage years. However, he doesn't see it happening because he knows it's best if he keeps his s/o away from him in the future.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

> I'd say he's both but mostly on the passive side. He lets you take the lead since he doesn't know much about being in a relationship. He'll be given advice and teased by his close friends but he'll keep their words in mind.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

> Mikey is pretty stubborn and doesn't like losing. If it's a petty harmless arguement, if he's wrong then he'll muttering an apology to you and completely forget about it. It's difficult to get into a serious argument with him unless it's something concerning him or Toman. Say the things he needs to hear even if himself doesn't agree with you. Then he'll leave to give himself space and think about things. Be patient with him because eventually he'll come around.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

> Mikey is very grateful for you being by his side even though he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He appreciates every gesture you do for him from the big things and to the little things such as making him lunch or fixing his hair or just being by his side when he feels he's losing himself.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

> Mikey doesn't hide things, if you ask him something he will directly answer you. He has no trouble talking about a past event since it already happened. Even though he doesn't want you getting involved with Toman, he still tells you about how they're doing or what they're up to. The only things he wouldn't share are his true feelings and his dark impulsivities since he doesn't want to scare you.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

> Just by being by Mikey's side you are a positive influence on him. It will take a long time but little by little he tries to open up about his true feelings and tries to rely on you more. Everytime you sense he's distancing himself, you would have to drag him back and knock some sense into him.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

> Mikey is definitely the type to get jealous easily and his childish tendencies tend to come out. If he sees you getting too friendly with someone he'll keep staring until he's had enough and say "(Y/N) is mine, hmph!" With a cute pout on his face. Be sure to coddle him afterwards because he might give you the silent treatment.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

> Mikey has no experience whatsoever. He has no idea how kisses work. It'll be super rare to get a kiss from Mikey since he's not used to being affectionate. If you're lucky he'll peck you on your cheek or kiss your hands occasionally. Your first kiss with him wasn't planned. Both of you were alone and you were just admiring him as he talked and pressed a light kiss on his lips. He was instantly shocked by what you did as he traces over his lips with his fingers but inside he's feeling all warm. He never knew kisses from you would have this kind of affect on him.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

> It took long time for Mikey to realize that what he felt towards you was more than just friendship. He confessed this to Draken and he replied "huh, obviously you like them you idiot. Hurry up and go tell them." In which Mikey replies by telling Draken to do the same for Emma. It happened when he came to pick you up from school one day on his motorcycle and brought you to the riverside. "I finally understand what I feel, (Y/N). I like you... You don't have to give me an answer right away, I'll wait however long it takes..."

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

> Another hard topic to answer. When Mikey fell for you he fell hard. As much as he wants to spend the rest of his life in peace with you, it won't happen. That is until he goes through "certain changes" and let's say he did. You'll be riding with him on his motorcycle on Christmas until he stops at a certain place. He'll start talking about his past and the times you've spent together. Then talking about how much he appreciates you and thanks you then pops the question. The wedding will be small and privately held with only people close to him and you are invited.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

> It is known that Mikey gives nicknames to those who are close to him. It depends on what your first name is. He'll most likely you use the first syllable of your name plus -chin, -cchi or -chy. Only when he's serious will he use your real name.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

> Honestly, it can be really hard to tell unless you really observe Mikey. You would notice he stares at you longer, or everytime your name pops up in a conversation he's interested. Draken is definitely the first the notice this change in Mikey and teases him for it, while Mikey denys it. The others will slowly start to notice this too. Especially, when he bought an extra taiyaki and gave it to you. Takemichy's jaw dropped at the scene.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

> Mikey won't be announcing to everyone that he has an s/o. However, if someone asks he'll answer honestly. I wouldn't use the word "brag" but he will say nice about you to others. For Mikey, intimate gestures such as kissing are only between the two of you. If someone catches the both of you, Mikey wouldn't be pleased.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

> You wouldn't have to worry about anyone trying to flirt with you or trying to hurt you not when Mikey's around. Mikey cares deeply about you and would give his life to protect you. You wouldn't have to worry about other people trying to flirt with Mikey either since you already have his heart, he'll simple brush them off. He's loyal.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

> As I have mentioned earlier, Mikey has no experience with relationships. You would have to teach him things. Still there will be moments that might seem simple to others but to you, you know it's a way Mikey shows his love for you. For example, draping his jacket over your shoulders or buying an extra snack so you could have some too. If he's not busy with Toman matters, he would want to spend his time with you.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

> Mikey would genuinely support your dreams and passions, telling you to never give up on them. He believes in you with his whole heart, and he knows you would be able to make your goals come true.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

> He would like to try things he never experienced before with you, like taking pictures at the photo booth or going shopping for matching keychains. That being said, what Mikey likes the most is the constant reassurance that you're here for him. Routines like going riding on his motorcycle or just talking with you, it what he like most. He's scared that one day you'd leave him so these mundane routines assures him.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

> You would think Mikey is the forgetful type but he actually pays attention to things. He'll notice you eyeing a certain item in a store or if you're lying to him. He genuinely cares about you and would like to know everything about you, even the shameful parts. Mikey has a hard time with emotions, he may not fully understand your troubles but he'll assure you that he'll be there for you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

> For Mikey to actually want to establish a relationship with someone. It means he sees you as an important person in his life. However, certain things would have to come before you such as his family and Toman. It is something you would have to understand when dating Mikey.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

> Whenever he looks like he's spacing off during Toman meetings while he is paying attention to what's happening his mind can't help but wander towards you. About what you're currently doing or if you're at home safely. Before he starts the engine of his bike, or has nothing to do he fiddles with the keychain on his keys. It's the matching keychain you both have.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

> Mikey is not known to be the most showy when it comes to showing his affections. It's the little things he does for only you, that shows how much he cares about you. Mikey secretly likes the affection you give him even if he denies it. It surprises him everytime you hug him or kiss him but he never stops you or tells you to stop. Just don't do it in front of Toman. Even if he doesn't want to, cuddle him as the big spoon and it'll make him really happy. Since he's so used to keeping a strong facade, cuddling with you gives him the impression that with you maybe he doesn't have to do that.

Y earning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner?

> Mikey will still act as the strong charismatic leader of Toman, where nothing fazes him. He won't outwardly show that he misses you but you can tell by the way he fiddles with his matching keychain or stares off into the distance that he misses you. He might even unconsciously blurt a quiet "I miss (Y/N)...."

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

> Mikey is willing to give his life away to protect you. Just you being with him is dangerous enough who knows who might be out to get him and easiest way they can do that is by getting you. If your safely is at risk even he likes you he would have to break up with you, keep you away from the danger. Because he utmostly cares about your well being and if anything happens to you, it will destroy him.

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (08)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It's simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if...Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

"A future without you is a world without color."

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Series: CHAPTER 7 | CHAPTER 9

warnings: unrealistic court happenings i am not a lawyer ok mention of physical abuse, drinking problems, child trauma, mental illness, and infidelity. I want to build a whole new world in this fic that’s why i also didn’t research about divorce trials I’m sorry. OC is kind of annoying/disappointing in this chapter (?) or not (?) Young Choi Soobin of TXT is the kid in this chapter’s moodboard

Jeongguk was the ex-boyfriend Red was talking about.

You figured this out when you were at Seokjin's party. Frankly, the way your soulmate was looking at Red was already a giveaway, but then you had to confirm it yourself.

The only way to do that was to either confront Jeongguk or your assistant.

You chose neither and it was because you were afraid to hear what they would or wouldn't say. This being said, you resorted to your last option.

"Come on..." It was hard to sit on the floor when you're wearing a damn long dress, but this didn't stop you from rummaging through Red's personal things.

It's the middle of the night. You left Jeongguk at your apartment right after he reached his high.

You just wanted to teach him a lesson for being a brat. He was always so rude to you and you honestly thought that he was just in denial—that soon enough, he would realize that you two were really destined to be together.

Apparently, that wasn't going to happen.

You went to your office at one in the morning just to find something that would verify your speculation. You got what you wanted. The photograph of Jeongguk kissing your assistant confirmed it.

Your tears fell.

You didn't know why you felt betrayed. It wasn't like they wanted this. They hadn't done anything wrong. Fate was just cruel. Why didn't you meet Jeongguk first? You couldn't blame him for falling in love with Red—she was sweet, beautiful, and smart. Anyone would definitely like her, so you had no choice but to swallow the lump in your throat and accept this.

You just had to pretend like everything was alright.

It wasn't.

The divorce trial was near and there were still so many things you had to fix. Work was seriously draining the hell out of you and it wasn't like Jeongguk was helping. He was actually adding up to the stress you were feeling.

Jeongguk was giving you the silent treatment and no—it wasn't the type of silence you were used to. Before Seokjin's party, your soulmate was quiet, but not really. He would occasionally huff to let you know that he was annoyed at you. He would also stamp his feet and slam the door just to spite you.

You didn't mind. You knew he was just being a brat; however, things were different now.

After the night of Seokjin's party, Jeongguk changed. He was eerily silent, always avoiding eye contact with you.

You tried talking to him. Regrettably, you were only greeted by stillness.

"You want pizza, Gukkie?"

Nothing.

"Have you watched the latest episode of Start-up?"

Still nothing.

"Did you have a good sleep?"

Nope. Nothing. Nada.

"Wanna make out on the couch?"

Jeongguk's head jolted to your direction. His eyes were wide, cheeks turning crimson because of your bold statement.

"Hey!" You giggled, clearly happy with his reaction. "You finally looked at me!"

Jeongguk shook his head and then he went straight to his room.

You were unbelievable.

You pouted your lips, giving up. You had a feeling that he would come around.

He did. Days later, Jeongguk surprised you when he stood right in front of the door of your apartment. He was blocking your way out.

"Gukkie, I'm going to be late." You sighed. He reminded you of Miri, your cat that's always trying to stop you from leaving.

"You can't leave." His jaw clenched.

You let out a breath once again.

"Don't do this please. Mr. Kim needs me,"

The trial was happening today. You needed to run down a few things with your client before you go to the court room.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Jeongguk folded his arms over his chest.

You stared at him.

"I don't get what?" It was hard to keep your composure when the thing you had been trying to avoid for so long was being rubbed in your face. You knew exactly what Jeongguk was implying.

"—that you want me to drop this case because you want Red all to yourself?"

Jeongguk froze. What was the point of staying silent when you always knew what was running inside his head?

You just always knew.

"You don't have to pretend that you care about Soobin's well-being. I have enough people doing just that," you slightly pushed Jeongguk to the side so that you could pass through the door.

Ah, people.

They're all the same, always trying to conceal their self-interest by pretending that they care for others.

You liked Jeongguk—actually; you were convinced you loved him. He was your soulmate after all, but sometimes love wasn't enough to just give into what he wanted.

This wasn't about your relationship. This was about Soobin's welfare. He's just a child. You were a lawyer who swore an oath to protect the oppressed and incapable. You were their voice.

It sounded cheesy, but this was the type of person you aspired to be. The world was already dark, it wouldn't hurt to be someone's light.

Jeongguk didn't understand your reasons. It was evident when he showed up in court to watch you defend Kim Seokjin.

At first, you thought your eyes were failing you. Was he really here? Was he really the man at the back of the room wearing that big hoodie?

It was him. The familiar scowl on his face said so. Jeongguk was the only person who looked at you like you had offended his whole family.

"All rise!"

You turned to your client upon hearing the bailiff's demand.

"It's going to be alright," assured by you.

Seokjin smiled. He was looking at Red instead of you. He needed the comfort of his soulmate.

Red grinned back. She wasn't worried. She trusted you. She was certain you would succeed. Soobin wasn't going to be taken away from his father.

The first few minutes of the trial went smooth. You had your story straight and with the way the judge was nodding; you instantly knew she was in favor of your side.

Unfortunately, things started to go ugly during the cross-examination of witnesses.

Jung Hoseok was the first one to take the stand. He was the expert witness.

"You are the marriage counselor of Mr. and Mrs. Kim for months now, right?"

"Yes." Hoseok answered the opposing counsel. It was weird seeing him this serious. Your friend was always grinning, but you told him to try to keep a neutral face. This way, the judge and the jury wouldn't know if he was caught off guard by the question of the other side's attorney.

"Mr. Jung, is it true that marriage counselors rarely suggest divorce to their clients?"

"Depends—" Hoseok bit his tongue. You told him to simply answer yes or no. Be responsive to the question and never explain. "I mean, yes."

"And yet here we are..." Ms. Choi, the opposing attorney, shrugged her shoulders.

"Objection!" You stood up. "Relevance?"

You didn't understand why Ms. Choi asked that question to Hoseok when she's just shrugging it off now.

"Sustained." The judge felt the same way.

Ms. Choi raised her hand as if surrendering.

"My bad. I'm just curious, you know? If Mr. Jung is indeed an effective counselor, then why did he suggest that the Kim couple push through the divorce?"

Ms. Choi was furrowing her brow at Hoseok.

"Isn't that true, Counselor Jung? You told Mrs. Kim that it's better to end her marriage with Mr. Kim?"

"Yes." The expert witness answered truthfully.

The opposing side's attorney smiled mockingly.

"It's because you feared for Mrs. Kim's safety, right?"

"What?" Jung Hoseok was lost.

"Come on, Mr. Jung you know exactly what I am talking about! You found out that Mr. Kim is an alcoholic and you are scared that he might harm Mrs. Kim and Soobin, right?" Ms. Choi pointed at the five year old kid who was busy coloring books in the far corner of the room. He was with Seokjin's mother.

"Objection, Your Honor! Compound question!" You glared at Ms. Choi.

"Sustained." The judge clenched her jaw. "Ms. Choi, separate your questions. You are misleading the jury..."

Ms. Choi was flustered, yet she still held her head high. She knew she had the upper hand here.

"Is Mr. Kim alcoholic, Mr. Jung?" She tried again.

Hoseok cleared his throat.

"He had a history of abusing alcohol years ago."

"And you know this because you're also a licensed alcohol and drug counselor, correct?"

"Yes..."

"And Mr. Kim Seokjin also told you about his issue with regard to alcohol abuse?"

"Yes." Hoseok swallowed hard.

There were papers that could attest to Hoseok's claim. This was a win for Mrs. Kim. You could see her growing sarcastic smile that was directed at Red.

You inhaled deeply.

"Mr. Jung, can you please tell us the rate of patients going through alcohol relapse?"

"Uh, it's sixty to ninety percent after the first year of treatment," answered by Hoseok.

"I see. How long has it been since Mr. Kim sobered up?"

"As far as I know, it has been three years."

"Huh." Ms. Choi crossed her arms. "So is there a possibility that Mr. Kim would experience an alcohol relapse?"

"Yes."

"What's the statistical probability, Mr. Jung?"

"About fifty percent high." Hoseok looked dejected. He wanted to help Seokjin win the case, but he couldn't lie.

"I see." Ms. Choi was smiling as if she had already won the case.

"Can you tell us now the effects of experiencing an alcohol relapse? Or a slip?"

Hoseok's palms were sweating. Slip was one episode of drinking alcohol after trying to stay sober. Relapse, on the other hand, was the return to unhealthy behavior. Slip wasn't always followed by a relapse.

Hoseok also explained that there were different stages of relapse. Emotional relapse could cause suppression of emotions, becoming more isolated, trying to blame other people, and aggression, especially when they were confronted. There's also mental and physical relapse which included glamorizing alcohol and compulsive desires to drink.

"No further questions, Your Honor." The corner of Ms. Choi's mouth turned up upon realizing that the jury was in favor of their side now.

You had to step up your game.

The next witness was Son Chae-young. She was Soobin's babysitter. Chae-young had been living with the Kims ever since Soobin was born. She's a witness testifying against Seokjin.

Chae-young cleared her throat when your eyes landed on her. She already felt uncomfortable because of the way you were looking at her.

The way you stand up—shoulder down, neck long—was intimidating.

"You have a really nice necklace, Ms. Son."

Chae-young flinched upon hearing your compliment. She was confused. Mrs. Kim and Attorney Choi told her that you were scary, this was evident by the way you present yourself, but then...the way your eyes light up made her feel at ease. Your voice was soft too.

"Ah...thanks," regardless of your sweet persona, Chae-young still couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Why were you looking at her as if she was important? As if you were here to protect and not cross-examine her?

"Is it from Cartier?"

"Yes!" The babysitter beamed at you as she touched her pretty jewelry.

You smiled warmly at her.

"Did you buy it yourself?"

"Objection! Relevance?" The opposing lawyer clenched her fist. She was shaking, causing you to smile bigger. Guess she knew what was coming to her, huh?

"I'm getting there, Your Honor," said by you. Your expression screamed confidence that the judge was compelled to believe you.

"Overruled."

You continued.

"So...Ms. Son, did you buy that necklace? Or is it a gift?"

"Uh..." Chae-young's lips trembled. She was looking at Mrs. Kim, as if she was asking for her boss' help. "I-I bought it for myself..."

"I see." You nodded. Humoring her. "Do you have any other job aside from babysitting Kim Soobin?"

The nanny shook her head.

"N-No. I'm a full-time nanny of Mrs. Kim's son." Chae-young's lips were still shaking; her eyes were quivering as well.

"Hm, interesting..." You went closer to the witness. "That means you're earning what? Two hundred fifty dollars a month?"

"Objection, Your Honor! I still can't see the relevance of this!" Ms. Choi was losing her mind.

You turned to glare at her.

"Can’t you really see the relevance of this or are you just scared?"

You heard the judge's hit the gavel; she was calling your attention.

"Get to the point right now." The judge demanded at you. It was this or your statement was going to be sustained.

"I am merely establishing my point, Your Honor." Your voice was rough. "The necklace Ms. Son is wearing is worth four thousand three hundred dollars. I know because I have the same necklace and it took me, a lawyer, months!" You paused for a while just to emphasize the word months, "to buy it."

You turned to Chae-young when the judge remained silent.

"So tell me, Ms. Son, how can a full-time nanny like you who's earning minimum wage buy that kind of luxurious jewelry? Huh?" You were standing too close to the witness so Attorney Choi used this as an opportunity to object.

"Your Honor, she is badgering the witness!"

"Overruled." But the judge wasn't having any of it. "Answer the question, Ms. Son."

"I'm sorry!" The nanny's face twisted in fear. "Mrs. Kim bought it for me—"

"It's a gift!" Mrs. Kim blurted out, unable to contain her anger anymore. God. She hated you. "I bought it for her last month! It's my birthday gift for her!"

You smirked. Attorney Choi was panicking. She was caressing Mrs. Kim's hand, telling her to calm down.

Sadly, Mrs. Kim could not be stopped.

"Why am I explaining to you when you have no right to question my intention! It's my money so I get to decide what to do with it!"

She was yelling at you and it almost made you laugh. Why was she so defensive?

"May I remind you that you are a married woman, Mrs. Kim? You have to consider your husband's decision when it comes to spending that amount of money." You said this while glancing at the jury.

Base on their expressions, you knew that they agreed with you. This was a win on your side. One of the valid reasons of Seokjin for wanting a divorce was this. Mrs. Kim didn't know how to manage their assets.

You weren't done, though. You had to discredit the witness. You had to win the jury's side in all aspects.

"And you said you bought it last month for Ms. Son's birthday?" You shook your head, focusing your eyes at the nanny.

"Tell us, Ms. Son, when is your birthday?"

Mrs. Kim's face became pale upon hearing your question.

"January seventeen...”

You turned your attention back to Mrs. Kim again.

"Your birthday present is many months late, Mrs. Kim. Either that or you're just lying to hide the fact that you gave Ms. Son the necklace in exchange of testifying against your husband—"

"Objection—"Attorney Choi tried to stop you, but you cut her off too.

"Isn't that right, Ms. Son? You are bribed by your boss to say that you always see Mr. Kim Seokjin drinking alcohol—"

"Your Honor—" The opposing attorney was losing control, her objections were drowning because of how loud your voice was.

"Mrs. Kim wants you to lie! To say that her husband isn't a good father! That he isn't a good influence to Soobin!"

"Yes!"

You stopped trying to pressure Chae-young because it already worked. She admitted the truth.

"Mrs. Kim bribed me!" The babysitter sobbed, looking at you like you were the Lord and she was a sinner.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I-I can't say no, please...please...I need this job!"

"You bitch!" Mrs. Kim abruptly stood up. She wanted to attack you; fortunately the security officers were able to stop her.

The jury was surprised to see Mrs. Kim's violent reaction. You, on the other hand, didn't even flinch.

You were used to this kind of scene. Besides, you couldn't get sidetracked. You still needed to prove your point.

And so you faced the jury.

"Is this the kind of person that you want to raise a sweet, innocent five year-old kid?"

One of the members of the jury clutched her chest. She was affected by what you had said. Truthfully, they were almost decided to grant the sole custody to Mrs. Kim; however, upon seeing the latter's behavior, the jury was having second thoughts now.

"Just look at her!" You pointed at Mrs. Kim who was still seething with rage.

"She constrained an adult! Imagine the bad things she could force Soobin to do! Mrs. Kim is a manipulator!" You raised your voice dramatically.

"My actions are nothing compared to what that asshole is doing!" Mrs. Kim screamed as she angrily pointed at her husband.

She was crying.

Kim Seokjin was quiet. He was shocked by your responses. He didn't expect you to be this bold. You were different from the lawyer he thought he knew.

You didn't have any limit. You didn't know when to stop just to prove a point.

"He's teaching my son that it's okay to be unfaithful to your wife! Jury, please!" Mrs. Kim was desperate. "Don't let him come near my son! He's a drunken bastard!"

The judge was hitting the gavel again. There were too much drama and unnecessary comments from Mrs. Kim.

You shook your head. You couldn't stop now. The jury was undecided. They changed their minds from time to time. You could see sympathy in their eyes as they looked at the wife.

"Mr. Kim Seokjin is sober! You should be ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Kim! You keep blaming your husband when you're the reason why he turned alcoholic in the first place—"

"Objection, Your Honor!" Attorney Choi glared at you. "The attorney is assuming facts!"

You disagreed before the judge could say sustained.

"Am I?" You smirked at the judge before turning to your table to get your evidence.

Seokjin looked at you nervously.

"Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," groaned by your client.

You were blinded by your role as a lawyer, so you ignored Seokjin's plea.

"Don't do this..."

Seokjin was already too late.

"I have here the evidence that will prove that Mrs. Kim is the reason why her husband turned alcoholic."

You brought out the printed photos of Seokjin's beaten up face. Bruises, cuts, and other physical injuries were seen.

The jury gasped. Attorney Choi was groaning as she told the judge that these photos were not entered into evidence.

You were playing dirty, but so were they. Ms. Choi told you that they wouldn't bring Mr. Kim's sobriety issue in this court. She lied.

"These pictures are given to me by Mrs. Kim Sunghee, Seokjin's mother." You glanced at your client's mother.

"She knows that her son's wife was assaulting him. Seokjin didn't want to feel his wife's punches so he resorted to drinking the pain away. Mr. Kim just wants to be numb."

"N-No..." Your client's tears streamed down his cheeks. He was calling your name, begging you to stop.

It felt like everyone was begging you to stop; even Sunghee was shaking her head.

It was wrong. This was a mistake. Seokjin's mother realized this when Soobin began to cry. He was silently crying at first, but when the little boy saw the photos in your hand, he started hyperventilating.

"Appa!" Soobin's eyes dilated. He could barely breathe.

Mrs. Kim stood up to attend to her son.

"Soobin!" Mrs. Kim was wailing.

Things were becoming messy.

You didn't understand what was happening, so you just stood there.

"Appa! A-Appa is hurting!" Soobin was losing it; his eyes were rolling in the back of his head.

"Call 911!" Red shouted.

The noise was deafening.

You still didn't get what was happening.

Seokjin went near you.

"I told you not to do it!" He shouted, snatching the photos away from your shaky hands.

"This isn't about me or my wife!" Seokjin continued to scream at you.

You were stunned.

Your client was blaming you.

This is your fault! Seokjin said.

You were wrong. You didn't have to bring out these photos because apparently, Soobin knew.

He witnessed how his mom used to beat up his father.

The poor kid was traumatized.

He had to get some help.

His parents thought he had recovered.

It had been years.

The thing about trauma was, it never went away. It was there—silently sleeping and waiting for that one thing that would trigger it.

You triggered Soobin.

"I-I didn't know..." Your voice was low as you stated your excuse.

No one wanted to hear your lame excuse, not even Jeongguk.

You looked at your soulmate once.

You looked at him desperately.

You looked at him hoping that he would understand—like he would comfort you.

He would never.

Jeongguk had this look in his eyes, the kind of feeling that expressed disappointment.

Jeongguk was disappointed in you.

It was clear because right now, he was shaking his head as if you had done the most horrifying thing in the world.

He shook his head before leaving you all alone.

No one wanted to be with you.

You were a disgrace.

[vacant--body]

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of unaliving self, PTSD, Bucky have flash backs, vomiting, loss of pregnancy, ED if you squint, lots and lots and lots of angst. sad, saaaad, Bucky :(

female!reader x steve and bucky love triangle (not as much here)

Side note: HI! I'M SO SORRY! I LOVE YOU ALL:) *also if the text is in italics it means there's a flashback*

part 1

✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿

It had been almost a month since Bucky had last seen Y/N. Tony and Steve thought it was best for Y/N to be admitted to the psychiatric ward at the near by hospital. But you have been gone a month. And you didn't put Bucky down on the approved list of people that could come visit you. The only thing he had left of you was the last conversation you guys had, and it was slowly driving him insane.

"Bucky? Where are they taking me? I don't wanna go." You were still loopy from the anesthesia Banner had used during your surgery. The way you were talking to him made it seem like you had just forgotten everything that had happened over the last 3 months.

"Shh, it's okay." Bucky said softly. Talking still hurt his throat. "But you gotta. You gotta get better, okay?" You nodded and sniffled. "Don't cry doll. It's all gonna be okay." He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, like he always did when you were upset.

"What happened to your face?" You muttered, your fingers grazing across the cut on his cheek bone. Bucky flinched at your touch, not wanting to remember how it felt.

"Don't worry, doll. Just get some rest. I'll see you soon." Bucky stood up from beside the cot and nodded at the paramedics who were standing close by to take you to the hospital.

"Bucky?" You asked quietly.

"Yeah, doll?" He could feel the hot tears in his eyes getting ready to spill over.

"I love you."

"Bucky," Sam tapped his shoulder. "Are you listening?"

"Sorry." He mumbled. "Just thinking." He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, wringing his hands together.

"I asked how you were doing?" Sam repeated.

"I'm fine."

"Don't do that Buck." He scoffed, slumping into his chair. "You gotta talk about this shit, man. And I know you normally talk to Steve but-"

"Sam, don't."

"Bucky-"

"I don't need your fucking pity.” Bucky growled, getting to his feet. Sam stared into his eyes with exactly what Bucky was upset about; pity.

"I am trying, damnit." Sam seethed through his teeth. "I am trying to hold you together and I am trying to hold Steve together. I hate being the middle man but if you two want to act like you're in high school and give each other the silent treatment, then I'll do it. I don't like seeing my friends hurting." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "You are very clearing showing signs of PTSD, and if you just let me help you, I can try to make it better."

"Everyone hates me, Sam." Bucky changed the subject.

"No, they don't. They're worried about you." Sam tossed his arms up in the air, exasperated. "You and Steve lost so much in one night, they're scared for you. They are mourning with you, Bucky. Please understand that."

Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I gotta go, this was pointless."

"Bucky-" He didn't hear what else Sam had to say before he shut the door to his office behind him and stormed down the hallway. He scoffed and shook his head. Fucking therapy. Tony had forced him to go or else he was sending him some place like Y/N was. He didn't need it anybody’s help, he was fine.

Bucky had wondered around the compound for hours after been you’d taken away, unsure of where he was going. This place felt so empty without Y/N here. He felt so empty. He found himself standing outside Steve's room after walking for hours. The sun was starting to rise now. His arm jerked as if he wanted to knock on the door, but he couldn't do it.

Then why did he knock?

Steve opened the door and was standing in front of him, eyes red from crying. His hair a mess. He definitely didn't look like the calm and collected Captain America.

"What the fuck do you want?" He spat, glaring down at his best friend.

"I-" Bucky was at a loss for words. "I don't know."

Steve laughed bitterly. "Get the fuck out of my face before I knock your teeth out."

"Steve, please-" Bucky's voice broke. "I need-I need you. Please."

"You need me?" Steve hissed. "What about what I need, huh? Does how I feel just not matter to you?”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, staring down at his feet. He couldn’t look Steve in the eyes any longer.

“You were fucking her.” Steve laughed, almost as it was a joke. “You were fucking my girl. You got my girl pregnant, and she tried to kill herself. Because of you, Bucky. So get out of my face. I don’t care what you have to say.”

"You're the only one-" Bucky tried desperately. He needed to talk. And Steve was the only one who understood.

"Save it, I don't wanna hear it. You ever show up at my door again," He took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the bruising cut that was on his cheek. "I won't stop this time." Steve slammed the door in Bucky's face.

Bucky was standing in front of Y/N's room. The door had long opened and an empty room was staring back. After you had left, Pepper and Nat had cleaned your room up the best that they could. While cleaning they had found an ultrasound picture hidden away in your nightstand. Nat said she wanted to throw it out but Pepper stole it from her and brought it to Bucky one evening. Bucky didn't know what to do with it so he brought it back to your room, stashing it away where you had kept it. He didn't want to take anything out of your room for when you came back. He wanted it to look like how you had left it. Well- before you destroyed it anyway.

Bucky slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, the springs groaning at the sudden weight on it. No one had sat here in a long time. Bucky heaved a sigh and hung his head, his long hair made a curtain around his face. You were always telling him to cut it.

A frown crept onto his lips, silently cursing himself. You teasing him about his hair is was started this whole thing. It was 4 months ago, you guys had most of the compound to yourself and were passing the time playing a drinking game.

He still remembers the smile on your face when you had brought up his hair, thinking it was hilarious how it was so long. Your laugh was more intoxicating than the alcohol the two of you were consuming. He just couldn't stop staring at you, your beautiful eyes, your hair that smelled like lavender, your gorgeous smile. And every time you leaned over it would expose your cleavage from the top of the thin tank top you had on. By the time you were done giggling Bucky had leaned in and grabbed your face, pressing his lips firmly against yours. You were stunned at first but quickly gave into his advances, as you had been waiting for this moment too.

A noise outside the room made Bucky snap back to reality.

"Thought I would find you here." A soft voice whispered. It was Nat. She gave him a soft smile before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. "It okay if I sit?" Bucky shrugged his shoulders and nodded. "Sam said you're having a bad day."

"Sam doesn't know shit."

"I know some days are tougher than others. You seemed to be doing okay last week. Actually saw you smile." She laughed quietly. Bucky didn't say anything. "She's not dead, Bucky."

"Why the fuck-"

"Shut up and listen." Any hint of kindness in her voice was gone. "I'm not like Sam, I'm not gonna coddle you. She is alive and is doing better, I just came from the hospital."

"We'll I'm glad you got to see her." He scoffed.

"I know you're not gonna hear what I have to say, but just listen to this- you are not alone, Bucky. Okay? I know none of that matters because you don't have the people you love most around you. But the rest of us are you for you, and Steve. Okay?" Bucky opened his mouth to snap something back but Nat held up her hand. "Just tell me you understand, okay? Because if I have to clean up one more persons blood off the floor I am going to loose my mind."

Bucky sighed and nodded his head. "Okay. I understand." Nat patted him on the shoulder before standing up and left the room. A tear dribbled down his cheek and he quickly whipped it away. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone?

Absolutely exhausted, he kicked his shoes off and laid down, not wanting to pick himself up and walk back to his room. Everything just felt too heavy. His eyes slowly fluttered shut, no matter how hard Bucky fought against it. But it was just too heavy.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." Banner said quietly, standing in Bucky's door way.

"What?" Bucky grumbled from his spot on the bed. "If it's about checking my head, I don't want to hear it. I'm fine, he didn’t hit me that hard.”

"No, it's not that. I need to know-"

"Then what?"

"I need to know what you want to do with the fetus...the baby." He shifted his weight back and forth.

A heavy silence surrounded the two of them. "Why me?" Bucky croaked out finally.

"Well, you're the father and-"

"Don't. Don't call me that." Bucky pointed a stern finger at him Bruce stood there awkwardly, waiting for Bucky to tell him what to do. He blinked back a few tears and cleared his throat. "What do you think I should do?"

"Well, everyone else thinks you should bury him."

Him. It was a boy. Bucky was going to have a son. His son. Y/N's son. Our son.

"Then bury him."

"I think you should go."

"I don't want to."

"Bucky, please. You need to cope."

"Oh yeah, and how should I do that, doctor?" Bucky snapped back. Bruce sighed, defeated. "Go fucking burry the thing and get over it. I don't want to be there, got it?" Why was he saying this? That's not what he wanted to say.

"Okay. Sorry for bothering you." Banner exited his room in a defeated sigh, his shoulder hunched over.

Some more time ticked by before there was another knock on the door. Bucky jumped slightly as he just starting to fall asleep. He hadn't slept in about two days and it was starting to take a toll on him. The evening sun cast shadows that danced around in his dark room.

"Bruce I swear-" He opened the door and stepped back, surprised. It was Pepper. She smiled shyly at him. Bucky thinks she hasn't said more than 10 words with him since he came to live at the compound a year ago. Mostly just awkward good mornings when they came into the kitchen at the same time to get coffee. Pepper always got up early but Bucky was fed up of trying to fall asleep.

"Oh. Did...did you need something?" He asked looking down at her. Pepper wasn't as hard as everyone else at the compound, she hasn’t seen the things everyone else had. He had barely spoken to her and there were already tears forming in her eyes.

"Nat-" She cleared her throat and attempted to wipe the tears away from her eyes. "Nat and I were cleaning up Y/N's room, so it won't be a mess when she comes back. And we'll we found this." She held out some grainy pictures. Bucky wasn't sure what he was looking at.

"What are these?" He muttered, taking them from her.

"They're ultrasound pictures. I guess she knew..." She cleared her throat again, fighting back the urge to cry. "Sorry. I guess she knew about the pregnancy. Nat wanted to throw them out but I thought you should have them."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He didn't want to open his mouth and rip Peppers head off, because he knew that she was just trying to be nice. Trying to make him feel better, but honestly it was just making him feel worse. If you knew you were pregnant why did you try to kill yourself? Or is that why you tried to kill yourself?

Before he could think of what to say, a sob ripped through his chest, his knees giving out under him. Pepper moved quickly to his side and threw her small body against Bucky's, wrapping him up in a hug. She tried to hold him up the best she could, but they crumpled to the ground together.

"I'm so sorry, Bucky." She cried. Her hands grabbed the back of his shirt, like she was trying to keep him from falling apart. It wasn’t working. It felt like someone was chiseling away at his heart. He clutched the ultrasound pictures to his chest, another sob wracking through his body. He wanted Y/N. He wanted you here with him, mourning the loss of your child together. "I'm so sorry." Pepper repeated. Bucky gently pushed her away and tried to calm himself down.

"Thank you for these, Pepper." He babbled. "But I need to be alone. Please leave me alone." She shook her head at what he was saying and tried to protest. He held up his hand to stop her. “Go. Just go.” He pleaded. Finally, she left him there, sitting in the door way, holding the only pictures of his son that he would ever get.

Bucky woke up with a gasp, his clothes were soaked and sticking to his skin from his sweat and it felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest, his stomach churning in knots. He scrambled out your bed and into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. These fucking dreams would not leave him alone. Ever since you left that's all he was able to dream about.

He spilled his guts out a few more times before slumped down beside the toilet, he shoved his head in hands and took a few deep breathes, trying to ease his spinning head. He gagged at the taste of vomit in his mouth and spit into the toilet again. Standing up shakily, he looked at himself in the mirror that was above the sink. He hated the person looking back. He looked sick, disgusting.

Saying Bucky looked rough was an understatement. His eyes were sunken in, which were accompanied by dark bags. His hair was ratty and dull and he hadn't trimmed his beard in weeks. He had also lost weight and muscle mass from not being able to eat. He couldn't. The only thing he was able to keep down was chicken broth and he hardly even eat that. He had no desire to work out either. His metal arm, which he usually polished at least once a week was dull too. And covered in scratches from him clawing at it in the middle of the night.

Bucky sighed heavily and rinsed his mouth and face with water. Patting his face dry with a towel he realized for the first time, he was starving. He could smell someone cooking bacon down in the kitchen and it made his mouth water.

Maybe Sam was right, Bucky did need to talk about this. Or maybe Steve was the one who was right. This was all his fault. He made the first move on you. The baby was his. Everything was his fault. Maybe if he had just left you alone, none of this would have happened. He couldn’t think straight anymore, nothing made sense without you here.

He pushed his thoughts out of his head as he remade your bed. Picking up his boots from off the ground, he slowly made his way back to his room. It was a hot mess inside, more than normal. Bucky doesn't remember the last time he picked anything up. He discarded his sticky clothes and got into the shower, letting the hot water fall over his skin. He hummed contently as he washed his hair, yanking to get the knots out. While he was in there he trimmed his beard the best he could without looking in a mirror.

Getting out and rubbed the steam off the mirror and looked at himself again. His beard and his hair looked better, but his eyes still looked empty. He still felt empty. Bucky tossed on some clothes that smelled the cleanest, which happened just an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

Taking a deep breath he left his room, or his cave, as Sam called it, and went down to the kitchen. It seemed like everyone was there, talking and laughing together. Bucky felt an instant nauseous feeling build in his stomach as eyes fell on him. He felt like an outsider, no, he was an outsider. Always has been as always will be

"Hey, Buck." Sam greeted, pulling Bucky out of his thoughts. "There's coffee in the pot if you want some." Bucky gave him a small smile and poured himself a cup, and grabbed a few pieces of bacon and fruit that was cut up. He sat down beside Sam and cleared this throat. Sam looked down at the small amount of food that Bucky had gathered and frowned slightly, but refrained from saying anything. He should be glad he was eating at all.

"Where's Steve at this morning?" Bucky asked, taking a sip of coffee, which stung going down his throat.

"Oh, he went to visit Y/N." Sam replied nonchalantly.

"Hm." Bucky stared down at his food, which suddenly repulsed him. Maybe this was a mistake, he should have stay in his room. Sam silently cursed himself for bring you up and tried to change the conversation.

"Sleep any better last night?" Sam questioned.

"A little. Fell asleep about an hour after we got done talking." He shrugged. “Woke up a little bit ago.”

"So you slept for 14 hours?" Sam chuckled. "We got done talking at 5, so you were out for 14 hours. I'd call that pretty good sleep."

"Doesn't mean it was restful."

"It's still a good thing that you slept through the night." Sam took a bite out of his bacon. "Oh my god, I swear Vision makes the best food." He goaded. Sam was obviously trying to get Bucky to eat.

"I know." Bucky faked a smile as he couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to get sick again. The feeling suddenly got overwhelming and he suddenly stood to his feet, his chair scrapping loudly against the floor, which caused everyone to stop and look. They watched as Bucky disappeared down the hall to the bathroom.

There was nothing in Bucky's stomach for him to throw up, besides that little bit of coffee. He was now just dry heaving, spit trickling down his chin. He just wanted this to go away, why couldn't it go away? Bucky heaved into the toilet one last time before picking his head up, wiping away the spit that was now traveling down his neck. He noticed there was a slight red tinge to it.

He brought his knees up to his chest and his hands shook as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. The room was spinning, he was so dizzy. His mouth felt he had just chewed on chalk. He was a super solider, god damn it. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. Something wasn’t right.

He slowly got to his feet, hanging onto the sink for support. Slowly he made his way back to the kitchen, leaning against the wall so he wouldn’t fall over. He just needed to get to Banner. Banner would know what to do.

Back in the kitchen, Bucky could hardly see. His vision was darkening and his ears were ringing. He could feel eyes on him. Gripping the wall for support, he dry heaved again. “Bucky?” Someone asked, concern in their voice. That voice. He knew that voice.

“Y/N?” He panted, his head snapping up. The quick action made his head spin and his grip on the wall loosened. He caught a glimpse of you right before he fell on his face, vision going black, everything falling silent.

part 3

[mistaeq]

The Jobros: Finding out their s/o is Pregnant with Twins

TW // none

Original Request: Can you do the jojo's reaction to their s/o being pregnant with twins after a long time of trying? You can find this here.

The sweet @serenityblaze44 asked for this same prompt with the Jobros, so... here it is! <3

WORD COUNT: 2.6k

ROBERT E. O. SPEEDWAGON

As soon as you tell him, his eyes widen, like a cat who saw his favourite toy. It's almost as if he was a kid, and you were telling him that Santa was gonna bring him his favourite gift ever. No wonder, he'll be speechless for some seconds. Not only one baby, but two? This sounds all the way like a dream becoming reality. Living in the street like he did years ago, he could only dream about having a family.

You've been trying so hard to have a baby, you both felt ready, and after all the danger he went through along with Jonathan, Robert wants to settle down and have a family, finally starting something serious. But you had a lot of problems with getting pregnant, and he was losing his hope. Until you told him you were expecting a baby. And now, you were telling him they were two, two angels of his growing in your stomach. This feels crazy.

Speedwagon won't force you and won't get angry, if you don't feel like you'd like something like this, but he'd love to name one of the twins Jonathan or William if there's at least a boy and Erina if there's at least a girl. These people mattered so much in his life, and would be the happiest if he could bring these names with him forever. If you don't like the idea, he will respectfully accept it, and he's open and ready to hear your own ideas, too!

He wants everything to be completely organized, when the twins will come to the world. Every parent buys furniture and clothing for their baby, even before the birth, it's a pretty common thing. But Robert more or less behaved like Joseph buying stuff for Shizuka with Josuke's money. Speedwagon almost bought an entire baby store out of happiness and excitement. He's enthusiast and nervous. Bear with this loving gentleman.

"What do you mean I don't have to buy six cribs for the babies? What their two ones break and we need to change it?" he groans, handing you a bag, you looking at him with questioning eyes. "Nevermind... y/n, will you hold these fifty pacifiers for me while I get the twenty pairs of baby shoes out of the car?"

Speedwagon can't keep the news to himself. He'll call Erina before everyone else, and then all his friends, like immediately, to tell them the good news. He looks calm and rational, but he spent most of his life in London's street, and few years won't erase his loud and impulsive attitude. It's probably a good thing, after all. Even gentlemen can be excited. A little sudden, but hearing it makes Erina so happy, she'll be like an aunt for your kids!

He would enjoy reading books to your stomach during your pregnancy. He would have done it even if they weren't twins, but he claims that being them two, he'll need to work twice the amount he did before to teach them stories and literature. Robert is an amazing man, but still a too grown baby, he'll never stop his ideas about how to teach the children something. He just thinks about what he'd like to do or hear if he was a child.

CAESAR ANTONIO ZEPPELI

He stops practicing with his hamon for some seconds as soon as you tell him. Funny, he was so focused on his training that he swore he started hearing things. You didn't just tell him that the baby bubble growing in your stomach are in reality two baby bubbles. He... oh, forget it Caesar, you must have dreamt it. But you're right next to him, and almost immediately repeat what you just told him, making him realize what he heard is true.

It takes a while for the italian boy to realize it, but when he finally does, you can tell he's happy. Mamma mia. The adrenaline and excitemente in his body won't stop flowing, this is why, when Caesar will hug you, pick you up and jump around, hamon bubbles will still be coming out of his fingertips, and you find it the cutest thing ever. It's the physical proof of how happy you make him, there's no way to deny it. Family is all he ever wanted, over his flirting habit. You're the right one for him and he knows.

Prepare your kids and your stomach to get a whole load of opera music during your pregnancy. Caesar is a great lover of opera, and will care about his kids to be as informed on it and respectful of the genre. Either he'll put on some of it, of he'll straight up sing it for you and your future children. His singing voice isn't actually so bad, you notice, and this is how he earns the task of singing them the lullabies when they'll come to the world.

"Hey! What do you mean I get to sing them the lullabies... I'm good at opera... not baby songs..." he whines, almost sounding like a baby himself. "Fine... but at one condition. You change the diapers and I sing the lullabies. Take it or leave it."

He cares a lot about his family's traditions to go on. Being the flamboyant italian he is, Caesar prides himself on the love for his close family and relatives. He doesn't have a huge request for you, but he cares about what he's gonna ask. The father-to-be would be happy, if one of the twins is a boy, to give him Antonio as a second name. Like his own second name, and his grandpa's too. He secretly hopes the twins are a boy and a girl, he's always wanted a baby princess.

The young Zeppeli will grow twice more protective and caring of you. This translates in him not letting Joseph get closer to you than three meters away. This is how you learn to speak even louder to talk with people. Your loving boy will always be in front of you to keep you safe. You appreciate it, but sometimes he's exaggerated.

He'll probably beg you on his knees, for you to allow him to teach the children how to master the hamon technique when they'll grow up. You can't really deny it, sometimes it's useful. During your pregnancy, Caesar and his calming waves helped you coping with pregnancy pains and cramps, massaging your belly and leaving some bubbles around to soothe and distract you. Oh, your caring italian love.

NORIAKI KAKYOIN

When you told him the good news, his heart exploded with happiness and excitement. However, Noriaki is known for being a pretty calm boy, and he tried his best to keep calm after your words, too. You had to tell him to let go and don't worry about wanting to hug you, or pick you up and kiss you, or even cry, if he felt like letting it all out.

Before you even got pregnant, Kakyoin and you had been trying every single way on Earth to have a baby. Take count of your most fertile phase, buy a lot of pregnancy tests, using different positions, praying, making rituals, crying and asking Siri, in tears, why Noriaki couldn't manage to get you pregnant. Did those ways work so well that you got twice more pregnant than you expected? Nevermind, all you know is that you and your loving cherry boy are gonna have two beautiful babies.

"Listen... why do you think I can't get my baby pregnant? We've been trying every single way... do you have any advice?" as soon as Siri answered, Kakyoin's eyes widened, and raised an eyebrow. "Hey, don't give me the 'Sorry, I'm not sure what you said' treatment!"

One of his first thoughts, is that there's a small - but now it's higher because the babies are two - percentage of chances your babies might be stand users. Yes, it's not the highest percentage ever, but it's still there, and Kakyoin is pretty afraid of it. Stand users' lives are never calm and quiet, he had the occasion to prove this himself. They often go towards almost deadly experiences. He's gotta be a good dad and protect his children.

Hierophant Green is overjoyed! Noriaki and his stand worked hard, to create some decorations for the babies' room with emeralds. Green is a neutral color, since you don't know whether the twins will be boys, girls, or both. Still, you don't think colors like pink and blue are gendered, that's some stereotypical bullshit. But you had the luck of having green decorations, perfect for anyone, from Hierophant's power.

Kakyoin secretly hopes that at least one of the babies, no matter whether it's a boy or a girl, will have his hair color or hair noodle. Think about it, wouldn't it be funny, cute and incredibly special to have a small version of your husband/boyfriend walking around the house? Oh god, what if they're identical twins? Three Noriakis? Oh my.

Even if this might embarrass him a little, you'll often get to see his parents during your pregnancy. First of all, to give them the good news about the baby being in reality two babies, and second of all because mrs. Kakyoin would be on cloud nine, getting the chance to give you some parenting advice. That's also how you get to know some interesting information and curiosities about your man's childhood. The cutest things ever. But this... is another story.

NIJIMURA OKUYASU

Okuyasu.exe has stopped working. What do you mean two babies? He thought the shocking news were finished, after the pregnancy announcement. He's gonna ask you a billion times, on the verge of tears, if you're joking or messing with him, knowing how much these news matter to his heart. When he gets you're serious, Okuyasu just lets go and cries. He feels so damn happy.

He learnt to hate your period as much as you, honestly. Because everytime you got it, it meant another month in which he had failed in getting you pregnant had passed, and this made him feel useless and disappointing. You never thought anything like this about him, but making him understand this is pretty difficult, he wouldn't have forgiven himself until he succeeded. You wanted a baby and Okuyasu wanted so too, so he would have given it to you, no matter what.

"Oi... did you... you know, bleed this month already?" Okuyasu asked, with the eyes of someone who was afraid of asking. But you shook your head. "This is good, love... but let's not get our hopes up, shall we, y/n?"

He doesn't really have any special requests or ideas for your babies' names. Or better, he does have one, but will never tell you, as he thinks for sure that you'll never agree with doing it. Okuyasu would have liked the kanji "兆" ("chou": trillion) to be in at least one of your babies' names, to remember his brother. But your boy is pretty sure you'd hate it, and he'd never suggest this. You'll probably feel there's something he's not telling you and find out anyway.

Expecting two babies is tiring, and you'll need to rest a lot. Okuyasu would like to join you and hold you in your sleep, but he also wants to be awake to take care of you, get you something to eat or drink, or put in order his messy house to make it look at least decent for when the babies will come. This is why, while you take your naps, he works around the house and lets The Hand cuddle with you. It's always him, after all. He feels the way you hold his stand.

This leads to the father-to-be being often pretty tired, too. He overworks himself. At night, when he finally joins you in your bed, happens to fall asleep in a matter of seconds, wearing his ordinary clothes instead of his pajamas. You can tell he's gonna be a good dad. Some mornings during your pregnancy, if you happened to wake up before him, you'd quietly turn off his alarm clock for him to rest more.

Okuyasu's dad is on cloud nine too, as his family is going to get larger. Mansaku totally wants to take a photo with you two and his grandchildren, as soon as they'll be born. He accepted you and behaves with you the same caring way he does towards his son. He's changed in a better man, despite his appearance. But the first person Okuyasu told the good news to, was Keicho. He purposely went on his grave, because he knew his brother would have been proud.

BRUNO BUCCIARATI

You tell him the good news while he's working. Not only it'll make his day better, but it'll also hopefully get his mind off of that giant bunch of papers on his desk, for once. The capo suddenly stops, moving his gaze towards your eyes, then your stomach, then your eyes again. You'll have to repeat, or he'll be sure he's imagined what you said because of the too much time spent working. But there's no joke or dream, you're pregnant with twins.

Screw all the papers and all the work that's left. He's gonna get you in a so tight and warm embrace of his, and never let go. Libeccio's for dinner that night? Guaranteed. He's usually a calm man, but whatever is related to his family, gets celebrated. When you announced your pregnancy, you had a dinner with the whole gang at the restaurant, but this time Bruno would rather have something more personal and private with you. Make the dinner romantic.

When you were still trying to have a baby, Bucciarati was the one who managed not to lost his temper when every attempt of yours resulted in a negative pregnancy test. But when you weren't around, I won't say he cried, but was pretty close. He was afraid of not being able to give you what you wanted, and usually ranted about this with Abbacchio. Bruno wanted to be the shoulder you could cry on, and couldn't breakdown too.

You both decided to wait some time before telling the gang about the baby being in reality two babies. They were still excited for your pregnancy itself, Mista and Narancia above everyone, and giving another shocking news would have probably brought the peace to say arrivederci. They still managed to get you confess, the look in Bruno's expressive eyes was too happy not to notice.

Just like Giorno would do, Bruno wouldn't be happy if his two angels ended up being involved in Passione's business. He totally will let the gang around his babies, as he trusts them, but during your pregnancy you both decided that the one of you taking care of the babies on a certain day, wouldn't even think of getting close to Passione's headquarters with the children. And you agreed with Bucciarati, for your little ones' safety.

"You'll agree with me that our children's safety is the most important thing, tesoro mio..." Bruno murmured, caressing your cheek. "Let's not bring them close to this place ever, I beg you. I'm sure you'll understand."

He would enjoy talking and interacting with his babies by laying his head on your stomach, kissing it and listening to them moving in the last weeks of your pregnancy. Sticky Fingers is in love with you too, and Bruno won't ever lose the chance to close you in a cuddle sandwich between his body and his stand's to make you feel protected and let you know how proud of you he is. Bucciarati will be a special dad, indeed.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: suicide, cocsa, uncomfortable touching?, victim blaming, misogyny & cultural / religion thingy?

Hello, I am seeking for advice because life is pretty messy recently.

A little bit of background, my brother (2 years older) used to touched me sexually (without my private touched). everytime he kept persuade me to play a "game" where we went into shared bedroom. It's not a recent like he only did this to me 3 times as I remember and it occured like 1 - 3 years later. It stopped when I was about 11- 12 years old.

Until now who I am 19 years old right now. He changed, but he keeps touching me playfully and not sexually, but sometimes he's really weird when he tried to playfully kissing me or kissing my arm playfully at times , grab my neck (not so strong grip and only for a short time) and other normal (pinch my cheeks, hug me tightly) weird things I might now remember just because I look "cute" but what he did these things to me make me feel uncomfortable even he rarely slap my butt playfully. Sometimes when I get too uncomfortable, I tell him to stop doing that but he still didn't so I have no choice but punched him or harm the other way when I get too frustrated. After that happened, sometimes he did lashed out to me when Im being defensive to him.

My parents don't really help either, especialy my mom who always downplays that since she always tells me that "he's your brother, he just wants to play with you." Or "how could you hurt him? He's just being playful". Even worse when I tried to express my feelings to her for not listening my emotions, she shamed me for having the negative emotions I had. The words that made me worse because of her were: "how would your future husband treat you if you being like that?", "you won't have a good husband if you keep being like that" and even shamed me because crying is forbidden because God will angry if I keep crying during meal time with my family, while my dad immediately ignores me.

Until now, things like this happened again and I feel worse because no one in my family wants to listen everytime I need emotional support, my friends are busy with college right now so I'm alone with these thoughts, how can I handle suicidal thoughts since journalling is the only way I had to recover myself to feel better a little and my family looks down on me if I tried to appoint a theraphy or seek help again, any advice?

I'm sorry if this too much, keep up the good work mods, I'm cheering up on you guys! ❤

Ahoy there, Anon,

You don't ever have to worry about anything being too much here. We're here for you, and I'm so sorry that you've been subjected to this for such a long time. You don't deserve the invalidation that you're getting, nor the lack of support- and you expressing your feelings is so appreciated here. Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

No matter how old your brother is, (and no matter how old he was when this first started), you don't deserve to be treated like that. You've made it clear to him so many times that you're not okay with it, and I'm so sorry that your parents have been downplaying the effect of everything he's been putting you through- especially when they're overlooking his retaliation whenever you defend yourself. No matter what they say, I want you to know that you defending yourself is never the same as "hurting" him- and it's never mean, or rude, or bad of you to do so.

It breaks my heart to hear that your parents have been using the prospect of a future marriage to invalidate what you're going through; I want you to know that if (and only if) you choose to have a spouse in the future, you should get to feel comfortable around them. You should never, ever feel like you need to defend yourself from them- you deserve peace and safety.

No matter what your future holds, you're worth so much more than the treatment you're getting right now.

You deserve to express your pain safely, in a place where you'll receive the support you need and deserve- and you deserve to have people that will listen to you. It isn't fair that you've had to suppress what you've been feeling.

I'm so glad that journaling has been able to help you cope with suicidal thoughts- trying to reach out and get therapy must be such a difficult thing to do

If you ever feel comfortable enough, (and if you feel safe using them), here are some US based hotlines that can help you get access to resources near you. And in case you're not in the United States, this master list contains international resources and hotlines that you can narrow down to your country.

Coping with your own thoughts by yourself is such a terribly draining thing to confront, and you're doing such a wonderful job with managing them already. This is a list of some general coping strategies for suicidal thoughts, with a couple helplines listed towards the very end. The article is broken into sections that you can use based on whatever you need at the moment- whether that's an immediate support system to make sure you're safe, or some techniques for distractions.

If you ever feel like the thoughts are getting too loud, here's a crisis lifeline based in the US, and another one just in case waiting time gets too long. Both of them work through a private chat, so you won't have to worry about family members overhearing your conversation- and the counselors might be able to connect you to more specific resources based on your needs. You can reach out as many times as you'd like, without judgement.

You are valid, eternally- and you reaching out to us is so appreciated. I hope this helps you out, and that you find people who treat you with the gentleness and love that you deserve; thank you for being here with us tonight, and thank you for all the beauty you bring into the world. I hope tonight is gentle to you, and the holiday season is as far from stressful as possible- we're always here if you need anyone to listen.

-Mod Nova 💫

[kachulein]

The day Tumblr decides to fix its bugs and shit I swear I'll hold a party for all my followers 😭😭 and it's okay!! You don't have to be sorry, I was just worried because I thought something happened to you but knowing that you're doing fine makes me happy ❤️❤️ And talking about my exams... Well, I did my best LMAO I'm still waiting for my scores to be posted because yes my teachers are lazy af and need a whole and entire month to write the scores on the app🙂

Ooohh I've heard so many good things about acupuncture treatment!! My dad took one session to control his anxiety and he liked it quite a lot. What a pity that I'm a coward and am afraid of needles🤡 I'm shaking for when I have to get the vaccine LMAO Everyone be out there being scared because of the vaccine and here I am being scared because of a fucking needle 🤡🤡 And I'm so sorry to hear that you got all the side effects of the vaccine 😣😣 I really hope you're feeling better now❤️❤️ I still have to wait until the end of July/beginning of August to get mine😔 How did your exams go?? I remember you told me the other day you did well on one of them!! 👏🏻👏🏻 I'm sure you nailed them❤️❤️

It's been already 1 year and a half since the last time I could see them😭 Fortunately before covid arrived I could meet them all in Thailand (my uncle lives there) during Christmas because if not it would have been 2 years 😭 And about the ideas of writing... Well... I think I should get banned from watching videos about idols LMAO every time I watch a comeback or something an idea for a fic pops up in my mind and I end up with 382773 ideas on my notebook LMAO

IKR😭 The feelings both of them hold in the song UGH😭😭 It makes me sob🤧

About those two new groups... I just saw the MVs... O H M Y F U C K I N G G O D 🙂 BOWKHLUDQHFIYDQ THEY'RE AMAZING🤩🤩 What's happening with nowadays rookies😭

I've been really into sf9 lately, like REALLY INTO🤧 And actually really into their company groups aka Nflying and P1Harmony 🤧 like have you watched the it's live for Moonshot of Nflying?? HOW ARE THEY SO GOOD😭 And then there's P1Harmony with two amazing albums I can't stop singing and dancing to🙂 what do they eat to be all swaggy and perfect being literally babies? I want to know because I'm older than all of them and all I have done in my life is manage to not burn the kitchen while heating my glass of milk before going to bed🤡🤡

Omg yes right, pls fix the bugs tumblr😭😭😭 and thank you so much for understanding!!😭💖 I didn't mean to worry you :( I wrote a long ass answer and rambled on like always and tumblr just decided to eat the ask, I'm really sorry :(

I hope you're doing good yourself and have you gotten your exam grades already? I'm sure you did amazing!!🥺💖💖 I can honestly feel you so much because it's the same for us as well. It usually takes 3 weeks for us to get our exam results, so I'll probably have to wait another two weeks to see how I've done... I really hope it was good alkfleldksld (and I meant to tell you that I think it went well but I don't have the result yet so I'm not sure yet,,, but thank you so much!!😭💖)

I'm so glad the acupuncture helped your dad managing his anxiety! Anxiety is one of the main reasons I get acupuncture treatments and I slowly start to see an improvement with less panic attacks and being able to handle the anxiety better.🥺 I'm sorry to hear you're scared of needles :( I know it's not really helping but the acupuncture needles are so thin you pretty much don't feel anything.🥺👉🏻👈🏻 And lemme tell you something funny, I had an another session yesterday and got some needles in my butt-😂 I really hope getting the vaccine won't be too bad for you😭💖 I've recovered from the sife effects again and I'm feeling a lot better now and knowing that I'm already protected for around 88% makes me feel a lot more safe, so I hope it will be good for you in the end, too!!🥺 After getting the vaccine at the end of July/beginning of August will you be able to go back home to see your family in August already?🥺💞 And omg, that's been such a long time :( I'm sorry you haven't been able to see them for so long :( You must be so happy to finally be able to reunite with them again. I hope you'll have an amazing time!!🥺💖

Omg akxksso I can see how that's a struggle but I also think it's admirable how creative you are and how you find writing inspiration in everything! That's so cool and something you can be proud of!!🥺 I used to always dream up scenarios in my head when falling asleep and ended up making them into fics😂👉🏻👈🏻

And yes, right!! I agree. I love their voices so much!!😭🥺 And omg yes, these rookies nowadays are so powerful😭😍 I'm really looking forward to their future comebacks.💞 And omgggg although, I don't stan these groups I know them and listen to their songs and I can only agree!🥺 I've just watched the it's Live version for N.Flying's Moonshot and god, it's so good and their voices are *chef's kiss*👌🏻 I also gotta say, N.Flying has absolutely amazing songs anyway! They're often those songs I listen to on repeat.😭😭😭 Rooftop is my absolute fave!!💖 Also fun fact, while answering this ask, I was listening to P1Harmony (Scared - such an amazing song), so I can totally feel you!! And on the age thing🤡 I feel you, again🤡 For me, it's the same with Enhypen. They're all younger than me and I feel like a good for nothing grandma👵 looking at them-😂😂😂

[enthusiasticsobrietyabuse]

Bob Meehan - Times Advocate: Sunday, August 26, 1984

The story of a con man who helps kids kick drugs

Robert Meehan describes himself as a hippie, a rebel, a former heroin addict and a con man. There is no one better qualified, in his mind, to help teenagers get off drugs.

Meehan is the director of a Valley Center drug-rehabilitation program for young drug abusers called SLIC - Sober Live-In Center - Ranch. The former director of a major Houston-based drug rehabilitation program, Meehan has won high praise from clients and their parents, who have included comedians Carol Burnett and Tim Conway.

Despite that praise, however, Meehan's methods have attracted considerable controversy. He left the Houston Palmer Drug program in 1980, after television reports questioned the accuracy of the program's vaunted success rate and Meehan's possible conflict of interest in receiving a lucrative hospital consulting fee.

Meehan's problems did not end when he left Houston, however.

The county has declared SLIC Ranch to be in violation of zoning ordinances, and the state has threatened to close it down unless Meehan gets proper license to run a drug-treatment program. The county has also questioned SLIC's ties to a burgeoning self-help drug program called Freeway that has a satellite programs throughout San Diego County.

SLIC, which charges $4,000 a month and caters mainly to children of affluent parents, has also prompted concerns among drug-counseling professionals. Some worry that the cost of the program is excessive and that it relies heavily on non-professional counselors to provide treatment. They also express concern that Meehan could exert undue influence over his impressionable young charges.

Meehan established SLIC Ranch in 1981 as a privately-funded live-in center for young drug abusers requiring daily counseling to overcome their habits. Between 10 and 16 young people live in a rambling ranch-style house, supervised by Meehan and recovered drug-abusers who have gone through the SLIC program themselves.

While two professional psychologists are associated with the program, the emphasis is on former drug addicts and recovered alcoholics whose counseling approach is: "I've been there before." Meehan himself is a former heroin addict and recovered alcoholic.

Meehan, who wears his hair shoulder-length and sports tight designer jeans and a gold chain necklace, both dresses and acts hip - partly, he says, to gain the trust of his young clients.

"They say, 'Wow, look at this crazy old hippie,'" said Meehan, who does not care to modernize his image.

"I'm still a rebel. I'm still a hippie. I don't know how to change. I love the cause. I feel like I've got as righteous a cause as the Vietnam War."

Meehan said he can understand how parents bringing their kids to SLIC might be leery of him, given his appearance.

"I don't know if I'd trust me," he said, laughing. "But beneath this hair is a red neck. I'm a Republican. Voted for Reagan."

But when he talks about drugs, Meehan speaks in a voice that teenagers can understand.

"It's the Cheech-and-Chong generation," Meehan is fond of saying to his clients. "They're committing suicide on the installment plan."

Meehan often harps on the comedy team of Cheech and Chong, whose trademark is overindulgence in marijuana. In sharp contrast to some health professionals, Meehan regards marijuana as one of the most dangerous drugs used by teenagers.

"Marijuana is the most insidious chemical in society today," because it affects the mind, Meehan said. "I'd rather the kids were shooting heroin."

Meehan's message and his style often prompt adulation from the young people in his care.

"He has the answer to everything," said 16-year-old girl from La Jolla who said she was having trouble getting along with her mother, who had recently remarried. "He has love. It's like one big family. We work together and play together, and it's fun. And Bob's our big daddy."

Meehan, 41, the son of an Irish policeman, grew up in Baltimore. He said he started taking drugs at age 12.

He became an alcoholic and a heroin addict, spending four years in state and federal prisons for drug convictions. While in a Texas jail, Meehan was befriended by an Episcopalian priest. Upon his release he became the janitor for the Palmer Memorial Episcopal Church in Houston.

The priest urged Meehan to stay off drugs by counseling some of the local kids with drug problems of their own. Meehan said that at the time he was "a crazy kid with a 'hellatious' ego and visions of grandeur" and too flattered to turn down the offer.

The informal, self-help group began in 1972 with six members. It grew to become the Palmer Drug Abuse Program, which, according to Meehan, has had 30,000 participants. Meehan described it as "the most powerful drug program in the world."

It was closely modeled after the Alcoholics Anonymous program, with recovered abusers helping their peers.

Palmer garnered national publicity in the late 1970s, when actress Carol Burnett sent her daughter, Carrie Hamilton, there for treatment. Burnett was so impressed with her daughter's improvement that she and her husband accompanied Meehan on the "Phil Donahue Show" and other television shows to tout the program's success.

But Meehan's claims that his program had a cure rate of 75 percent to 80 percent attracted some sharp scrutiny.

In January 1980, CBS' "60 Minutes" TV program broadcast a piece on Palmer. According to a transcript of the broadcast, Meehan conceded under repeated questioning by Dan Rather that he did not have documentation to support his alleged success rate.

Rather also questioned Meehan's $50,000 annual consulting fee from a Houston hospital to which Palmer routinely sent young drug addicts for costly medical treatment. Meehan said during the interview that he saw no conflict of interest.

Meehan was also asked about his power to "persuade" some of the program's vulnerable young clients.

"I have that power," Meehan said. "I certainly do. I've been a con all my life. Just now I'm using it in a good way, see."

Following the "60 Minutes" piece, Meehan was asked to leave Palmer. In retrospect, Meehan now says, he could have prevented his firing by paying more attention to program details.

"I wasn't doing a damn thing wrong," he said. "I didn't mind the store. I was naive."

Meehan came to San Diego to work for Contemporary Health Inc., which was consulting with Center City Hospital, now Harborview Hospital, to establish a drug-abuse program. But his work for the hospital was short-lived.

"My methods are very unorthodox," Meehan said. "I was always fighting the staff."

While working for the hospital, however, Meehan helped establish a self-help counseling program called Freeway. It was modeled directly after Palmer and named after a rock music group formed at Palmer to entertain the kids in the program.

Freeway was started in 1982 by Jac Coupe, a former Palmer counselor, and by other Palmer employees who has left Texas after Meehan's departure. It now has centers in Coronado, Point Loma, Solana Beach and the newest one in Fallbrook.

The program, whose services are free, is funded in each community by local civic groups and churches. It is open to people 13 to 25 seeking help for drug and alcohol problems.

Participants are encouraged to attend weekly group-counseling sessions and to follow a 12-step program to achieve sobriety. Those who are severely addicted are referred for hospital treatment. In some cases, however, Freeway counselors conclude that a young person needs more intensive counseling - at SLIC Ranch.

Those who go to SLIC for a typical one-month stay range in age from 13 to 24, with the average age about 16. Most are psychologically - not physically - addicted to drugs. They have come to get free of dependence on marijuana, alcohol, speed and LSD.

Pat, a 19-year-old Rancho Santa Fe youth, realized he needed help when he mugged a woman to get money for his $600-a-week cocaine habit. John, a 21-year-old alcoholic from Clairemont, had tried a variety of alcohol treatment programs with no success.

SLIC participants live in a spacious ranch house, set among the oaks and hills of Valley Center, with a garden and pond-shaped swimming pool. They share bedrooms dormitory-style, with three or four to a room.

The participants are required to prepare their own meals to their own tastes, and there are no planned menus. Cereal and hot dogs are staples.

The rules prohibit drugs, alcohol, sex and violence. However, smoking, which is allowed, is prevalent.

"We don't care about cigarettes, diets and vitamin intake," Meehan said.

Participants spend most of their days in counseling. During their free time they are allowed to lounge by the pool and play rock music, much to the dismay of the neighbors. Occasional field trips are taken to Disneyland and other amusement centers.

SLIC residents are supervised by a staff of six, most former SLIC residents themselves. At least one staff person is on duty 24 hours a day.

One of the supervisors, Jackie Moors, 26 got off drugs a year ago after going through the SLIC program. Moors, who started doing drugs at age 10 and progressed until she was shooting up crystal methamphetamine, credits SLIC with turning her life around.

"The next stop would have been either jail or death" without SLIC, she said. The program worked, she said, because "people really cared about me." Her young son stays with her at the ranch.

Meehan said one goal of the center is to show residents "how to have more fun sober" than on drugs or alcohol.

Every weekday SLIC residents are transported by van to a rented house in Escondido, where they spend six hours in therapy and discussion.

The sessions are directed by Meehan and by Peter Sterman, a psychological assistant, who cannot practice without supervision of a licensed psychologist. His supervisor is Dr. Carl E. Morgan of San Diego.

In the evenings and on weekends, the residents are often taken to meetings of Freeway or Alcoholics Anonymous.

Last month the state notified Meehan that the center was operating without a license and threatened to close it down unless the center meets state standards required for a so-called residential-care license.

SLIC has been operating without a license because Meehan has successfully dodged the requirements, according to Tom Hersant, director of the San Diego office of the state's Community Care Licensing Division.

He told state officials that the ranch was operating not as a residential-care center providing therapy to live-in clients, but as a "boarding house," with the boarders receiving their counseling off the ranch in an Escondido house.

Meehan told the Times-Advocate that he attempted to avoid licensing to keep costs down.

Last month state investigators who has been suspicious of the arrangement finally confront SLIC officials.

"They told us, 'All right, already. We do provide therapy,'" Hersant said. "Suddenly now they're 'fessing up that they offer therapy."

State officials informed Meehan that a license would be needed.

To obtain a license the center would have to meet fire safety standards, provide a medical checkup for new clients to insure they are getting the appropriate treatment, and keep records evaluating the clients' progress. SLIC would no longer be allowed, as it does now, to mix clients younger than 18 with those older than 18.

Please see Ranch, page B2

Meehan has insisted that the licensing requirements are minor. He said he would comply, though he feels that the regulations would bring too much formality to the relaxed way he runs the program.

Not only must the ranch be licensed, but the counseling program run at the Escondido house must obtain a separate license to offer drug counseling. Once a facility is licensed, the state inspects it once a year to insure that standards are met.

Hersant said SLIC has agreed to apply for the two licenses. The licensing approval usually takes 90 days. If no licenses are obtained, he said, the state will move to shut SLIC down.

Meehan said he plans to meet the state requirements, but he dislikes the paperwork.

"I will comply to whatever extent I have to, to help young people," he said. "At the same time, I just want to do my thing."

Meehan said his problems with the state occurred because of negative publicity generated by the ranch's landlord, Clayton Blehm, an Escondido accountant. Blehm was sentenced in June to one year in jail for zoning violations at the Valley Center property that included adding illegal structures around the ranch. He is out on bail awaiting an appeal.

Blehm has also been cited by county zoning officials for allowing SLIC to move in without getting a major use permit - required to run a treatment center in a rural-residential area. The zoning investigations were prompted by complaints from neighbors, some of whom said that a drug treatment center did not belong in their quiet neighborhood and that they were repeatedly disturbed by loud music.

Last year SLIC and Freeway were the subject of an "informal investigation" by the county Division of Drug Programs. The investigation was prompted partly by complaints from a San Diego city schools official concerned that Freeway encouraged some young persons to stay away from school for one to three months to avoid their drug-using friends.

The report concluded that the complaint was the result of lack of communication between the school district and Freeway and that the two should work out an understanding.

The county investigation was also prompted by concerns about SLIC's relationship with Freeway.

"On the surface," the report said, "one might question the referral relationship, since both program directors hold a personal acquaintance that foes back to the Palmer Drug Abuse Program in Houston. However, DDP has no documentation information to suggest there is any impropriety or conflict of interest in the referral process."

Meehan said he has no break-down on where SLIC clients come from, but that many are referred by Freeway. He said SLIC and Freeway have no financial arrangements, because that would be unethical.

"There can't be," he said. "There's absolutely no financial arrangement either way."

Meehan urges all SLIC residents to attend Freeway counseling sessions after they leave the ranch. That is critical to staying sober, according to Meehan.

"If we can't hook a kid into Freeway," he said, "his chances are less than 60 percent of making it."

Some who go through the SLIC program are advised to live with "Freeway families" for several months, rather than with their own families. Meehan defended the practice for some clients, contending they would fall back into bad habits at home.

Asked whether continued reliance on Freeway would hurt a client's chances of becoming independent, Meehan said, "It's a very safe group of friends to have. I don't know if it's an unhealthy dependency."

According to Meehan, 90 percent of those who have gone through the SLIC program in the past 18 months have remained sober or off drugs after they left. He said that figure comes from undocumented reports from Freeway officials. "I hate statistics," he said.

Despite its concerns, the County Division of Drug programs concluded that there was "no documentable evidence" to prevent the county from recommending SLIC and Freeway as treatment centers.

At the time of the investigation, Meehan was serving the first year of a three-year term on the county's Advisory Committee on Drug Abuse. The 11-member volunteer committee helps county officials select drug-treatment programs to receive county money.

Freeway centers, which are privately funded, are generally located in affluent regions of the county.

"They're in the ones that can pay for it," Meehan said. "They have raised the money."

Parents in those communities can also afford to send their children to SLIC. The $4,000-a-month cost of attending SLIC has raised eyebrows among professional drug counselors.

By comparison, the county-funded McAllister Institute of Training and Education in El Cajon charges about $720 a month to treat women with drug problems.

Jessica Lewis, program director for Community Resources and Self-Help Inc., which has a county contract to treat drug abusers in San Diego, said the program has never referred anyone to SLIC. Lewis said her program's clients cannot afford Meehan's program.

"His target audience is kids from families that are financially successful," she said. "He's earning big bucks. More power to him. He has a mindset of big business and the heartset of helping people. I don't question his sincerity."

During his "60 Minutes" interview four years ago, Meehan said he was worth more than the $100,000 he was then making. He would not say in a recent interview how much he makes running SLIC.

Meehan, who lives in Rancho Bernardo, said that despite the $4,000-a-month per-person SLIC Ranch fee, he is not getting rich.

"Where that profit is, I haven't seen it yet," he said. "I make enough to pay my bills and save $100 a month."

Some health professionals were reluctant to speak candidly about Meehan's program. One noted that Meehan, because he sits on the county advisory committee, wields influence over the finances of many local treatment programs.

Nevertheless, some drug-treatment experts expressed reluctance to refer clients to SLIC because of its reliance on non-professional counselors. After sitting on a panel discussion with Meehan, Greg Baer, head nurse of the substance-abuse unit at Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in Chula Vista, he said he would not recommend Meehan's program for anyone.

"I just question his ability to be therapeutic," said Baer, whose program also treats adolescents for as much as $10,200 a month. "The people we deal with need a therapeutic approach from people who are knowledgeable... you need to have knowledge of what you're doing and not just go with a gut feeling."

Baer criticized SLIC's exclusion of the families of young drug abusers from its treatment program.

"If Johnny is going to return home, you have to discuss how this is going to be done... Otherwise you are doomed for failure," he said.

Some professional counselors said they worry about Meehan's influence over young people. Lewis said it is important for an organization such as SLIC, which treats emotionally-dependent people, to be accountable to a licensing or watchdog agency. Otherwise, she said, clients can be exploited.

"It's a pain in the neck," she said, "but I'm prepared to answer to those (licensing) people. There are enough people looking over our shoulder to make sure our clients are safe."

John Adam, a licensed psychologist in Coronado who has monitored SLIC Ranch and Freeway for more than a year, said he is concerned about the unorthodox nature of the counseling. Adam said the adulation that SLIC participants feel toward Meehan resembles hero worship.

"Any time you depend on the charisma of a leader, you fear that results will fade with time or distance from the guru," he said.

Meehan said he knows that he has tremendous influence on this young charges, but he tries to use that to good purposes.

"I'd like to think I'd become one of their local heroes instead of Cheech and Chong," he said.

But he acknowledged that his relationship with the clients could lead to problems.

"Yeah, it scares me," he said. "You get into a real guru (situation). This is where cults can begin."

"I have an advantage, though, because they're here only 30 days. I cut them loose emotionally when they leave here."

[papergirllife]

Cheers To Us

Mark Lee Oneshot

Part 2

It was a nice change, to see him leading instead of you.

" What do you want? "

" Champagne. "

" Because it's the Christmas season? "

" No, it's a celebration for meeting you. "

" We'll have two flutes of champagne. " Mark told the bartender.

" To us. "

" To us. "

As I finished my drink, a man walked over and took a seat.

" Can I buy you a drink? "

" She's with me, go find someone else. "

" I'm much better than your boyfriend, I can show you a good time, I promise. "

Mark downed his drink and dragged me out of the club.

" Wait, Mark. We haven't told the others we're leaving yet. "

" I'll send them a text, don't worry. "

Mark led us to his car and opened the for me.

" Mark are you sure you can drive? "

" Yes, I'm very much sober right now. "

" Mark, are you mad? "

I asked as he got into the drivers seat.

" Yes I am, I'm pissed at the way he looked at you, he looked like he wanted to take you right in front of me. "

I must've been smiling like a goof, because Mark looked even angrier.

" Are you happy that he looked at you that way? "

Okay, he was genuinely pissed now.

" No, of course not. I'm smiling because you're jealous and that you looked like you wanted to kill him with your bare hands back there. It's been a long time since someone stood up for me that way. "

" Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were happy because of that. "

" So, where are you going to take us? "

" This might be too soon but how about my place? We can just cuddle, we don't have to be doing that. We can take it slow, I don't really mind. "

Here comes the shy, stuttering Mark I was used to.

" Mark, I'd love to cuddle and do other things too. Now hurry up and drive. "

" Yeah, yeah. On it. "

Mark quickly manoeuvred the car out of the parking lot, speeding towards what I assume is the direction of his home.

" Nice place you have here. "

" It's not much. "

" I don't expect over the top things from you. Like a Tiffany and Co. ping pong table set ? That's just a waste of money and overrated, all that hype beast shit. "

" We'll get a long really well then. The most basic thing I have is an Adidas jacket I think. "

" Why don't we see if we have good chemistry then. "

I wrapped my hands around his neck once again, I didn't know why I kept doing it.

Maybe it's the way he holds onto my waist when i lean forward to stable my weight, or the warmth of the nape of his neck.

" Can you help me take off my heels? "

Mark tightens one of hand's his hold on my waist, his other hand lets go.

" Leg up. "

I lifted up one of my legs to let him take the heel off, then the other leg.

I became significantly shorter next to Mark now. I tilted my head to look at him.

" I can't really see your face nicely now. Why don't you carry me up? "

" Jump, princess. "

So that's what's he's calling me now huh. I jumped up, wrapping my legs around his thin waist.

He didn't really consider how he'd carry me, choosing on settling his hands on the underside of my thighs.

Mark's eyes looked nervous, they look like they're constantly asking if whatever he was doing was okay.

I gave him an encouraging smile, my hands on his nape slowly play with his hair, soothing his nerves.

After a minute or so for staying like this, he started getting tired.

" Why don't you lay me on your bed, so you can keep looking at me like this without carrying me. "

Mark let out a small laugh, sensing where this is leading.

" Sure, princess. "

During the process of going to the bedroom, Mark's lips looked too irresistible not to kiss.

Mark's hands started to wander, from my thighs making their way to my ass. Mark gave them a nice squeeze, surprising me mid-kiss.

Mark swallowed the moan I let out from his naughty enthics. Mark laid me down his bed gently, moving his lips from mine to my neck.

I started unbuttoning his shirt, when his hand shot up to meet mine, stopping what I was doing.

" We don't have to do this if you don't want to, I didn't bring you back to my home and expect sex. I'm serious, Y/N. And I'm serious about you and me. "

" Mark, I know you are. But I truly want this, I want to do this with you, I want you. "

Mark lets go of my hand and rises up to his full height to take off his shirt quickly.

" I wanted to do that. "

" There's always next time, princess. "

His hands inched towards the end of my crop shirt next, eyes focused on mine, asking for consent.

" Can I? "

" Take everything off. "

He took off my shirt and my bra, eyes focused on my bare breasts. He lightly pinched both of my nipples, then cupping them both in each hand.

He started to give the right side kitten licks on the nub, then taking it into his mouth, sucking harshly.

" Mhm. Mark. Keep going. "

I held onto his hair gently, keeping him against my chest. He then switched to the left side, giving it the same treatment.

I just love the way he pampers my body, the way he bites and sucks just has tingles shooting down my core.

After he finished playing with my breasts, he rises back up to take off his jeans.

It is then I realise how defined and toned his body is.The sight had me drooling for want.

I quickly took off my shorts, leaving myself only in my fishnets.

Mark's eyes went big when he saw.

" Fuck princess. No panties? You planned this all along? "

" I only planned on getting laid, not with anyone specific. Though, you were constantly on my mind. "

" Didn't know I had that effect on you, princess. "

" You don't. But you have time to find out more. "

Mark spread my legs and kept them apart with his hands. His head lowered down to my pussy, and gave it a big fat lick.

It had me squirming on his bed, the fishnets just added slight more pressure to what Mark did.

I made a first with his sheets and let out a high pitched moan.

Mark looked up to me with a smirk on his face, then dived back down to business.

He spread open my folds with two fingers and slided in his middle finger, giving my pussy a good pump.

It was a sight for Mark, the way my juices dripped down my net clad thighs onto his sheets.

He slid in another finger and opened up my pussy by doing a v sign, the air gushing in made goosebumps rise on my skin.

That is until he put his tongue in.

Mark ate me out like I was his last meal. His tongue was going in and out at a rapid pace. While he kept moving his head up and down, his nose brushing against my clit.

I sensed the familiar coil in my stomach, my high coming soon.

" M-mark, stop. I'm going to cum soon if you keep doing this. B-but I want to cum with you. "

Mark stopped eating me out and quickly took off his boxers. His cock was standing painfully tall, with pre-cum leaking out of its head.

I started getting up, wanting to repay him of what he did to me.

" No, princess. Next time okay? I really want to be inside of you now. "

" Okay. " But my lips were in a pout.

Mark leaned down and pecked it.

" I promise you'll get your chance next time, princess. "

He reached towards his drawer and bought out a condom.

" Mark, I'm on the pill. "

" Guess we won't be needing this then, since I'm clean. "

He tossed the condom on the bedside table.

Mark used both his hands to rip a bigger hole into my fishnets, right at my entrance.

" Mark! These are expensive. "

" I'll keep buying you more, don't fret. "

Mark positioned himself, and pushed in slowly.

Mark must be one of the thickest I had, after he was fully seahthed in, I felt so full, so complete.

He gave a few light thrusts, while his hands held onto mine, giving me a sense of security.

" Mark, you can go faster. "

Suddenly, Mark snapped. His thrusts were hard and fast, hitting places I never knew existed.

His hands were holding onto my hips now, keeping me in place.

The whole house was filled with obsolete sounds. The banging of the bed frame to the wall. The sound of skin slapping skin. The way I screamed Mark's name. It was full of sin.

" Mark, I'm close. "

He then lifted up both my legs and placed them above his hips. He pulled me closer and resumed his thrusts.

It was bliss, the higher position made him hit my sweet spot over and over again.

" Fuck! Mark, don't stop. "

He slid his hand in between our bodies and placed it on my clit, rubbing circular motions on it.

" M-mark. Cum inside me. "

He gave one last thrust and the both of our highs came.

It hit me like a truck, none of my exes or one night stands ever fucked me this well. This orgasm was truly mind blowing.

After Mark ride out our orgasms, I felt really tired. As if my energy was fully drained from sex.

When Mark pulled out, the mixture of our cum started leaking out my pussy.

" I know this might be weird, but can I take a photo of your vagina leaking out our cum? I just find it really sexy. "

I was still too tired to answer, so I just nodded. Hearing the sound of a flash going off.

[hashtagsmitty]

Smitty's Thailand Adventure - Day 5

Jesus God and Christ Almighty, this platform and this web connectivity and this city. This is the third time I've tried to write and post this entry. I wrote one that I tried to upload all night last night, using up half of my remaining bandwidth. The tumblr app kept saying "something went wrong, we'll try again in a few minutes." except every time it tried again, it uploaded the images and video again. Then I wrote another one this morning, same issue. Damn it.

My solution to the problem is to save every post as a draft before I post it, and include fewer photos. I'll put everything in a big album if anyone wants to look at it later.

Anyway. I woke up with a nosebleed at 5:30. I felt a runny nose; I wiped it with my hand, still runny, I blew my nose into my hand, big splatter of blood. Thankfully, it sealed off pretty quick, but nosebleeds always wipe me out for a few hours. I cleaned up the blood and went back to sleep.

Breakfast at Pauline Hanson's One Nation and White Family Mart. Josh showed me an upstairs area I didn't know existed the day before, so I ate up there and planned out the day. I eventually decided to walk around Emporium for a while.

On my skytrain line (the Sukhumvit line, which is the bigger of the two lines) there are two stations with huge shopping centers attached. The one next to my station is Emporium, which is split into two smaller parts, Emporium and Emquartier. Emquartier is split into 3 Quartiers, each of which I can't tell you the names of but they're all sufficiently fruity. They're all about as big as the Emporium in Melbourne. It's a huge complex. The other shopping center, Siam, is even bigger though.

I walked around there for a while. I noticed two things:

There were way too many people working. The place was deserted, but every store was open with stacks of employees. There are too many people employed by EVERY Thai business as a rule, but this took the cake. I saw a travel agency with 7 people working. No clients. In every elevator, there was a bell boy pushing buttons. Every restaurant we've been in this week has at least 3 people standing around doing nothing. It's insane!

Consumerism - the amount of shit being sold as high-end is crazy. The aspirational class in this country is REAL. It's such a trip to go from relative poverty to extreme displays of wealth on the same street.

Anyway. I found this cool garden space upstairs and hung out there for a while. Awesome views of the city, and really peaceful. Except, in classic Asian style, there's an arcade in there and they're blaring pop music.

I eventually sat down in a food court and read some more Growth Mindset. Josh texted me eventually and I headed out on the skytrain. We met up and walked our lunch destination - a cheesy 50s American diner. Espy met us there a few minutes after we arrived.

The decor was almost there - like 80% of the details were there. The windows were too high, the lighting was off, some of the neon was broken... But pretty good. The food was okay.

We spent most of the meal chatting. Espy is sick and Josh was giving her shit for not taking her antibiotics. They decided to get some from a pharmacist first chance they got. Pharmacists in Asia will sell you anything - there's no regulation and no requirement for a prescription from a doctor. Josh buys his testosterone treatments (some hormonal imbalance, not juicing) over the counter. It's odd.

During the meal, it was decided that I had to experience the movies in Thailand. And sadly, the only thing worth watching was Bumblebee. We caught the skytrain to Siam. Siam is the fancy shopping center - if Emporium is Melbourne Central or Highpoint, Siam is Crown Casino. We went to the cinema and sat down during the advertisements because Espy thought it'd be faster to use the escalators, even though we used the lifts to get to the cinema when we did VR there. We walked past the lifts on our way in. Come on.

The movie and ads were in English, with Thai subs. Subtitles don't distract me, so no worries. Before the movie started they played a video honoring the king. The king is youthful and vibrant, and a paragon of masculinity. Long may he rule. Of course, one cannot forget his father the late king, who sadly passed two years ago. He was a beacon of wisdom and justice and led Thailand through many years of prosperity.

We all had to stand up during the video to show respect. Espy nudged me as they were all standing up.

The movie was a movie. It had characters. Some of them developed. There were emotional moments and silly moments. The acting and CG were actually pretty good, but it was a transformers movie. The fights were boring, predictable, and definitely didn't matter. The male love interest got told at the end of the movie, when he went to hold the protagonist's hand, that they weren't quite ready for that yet. But she also took his shirt off while Bumblebee was driving for them, so I don't know what to make of that. Partial nudity must be first base and hand holding is second, in this new topsy turvy world.

After the movie we did some window shopping, looking mostly at technology stuff. Espy wanted a PS4 - it cost $600 over here. Josh said he'd get her one from Australia. We walked past some Pokemon plushies and I went to look at them. There was a giant Lapras plushie and one of my new students says he loves Lapras, so I had an excuse. I still got laughed at by a pair or passing teenaged girls.

We got back on the train after buying nothing. It was pretty packed, I could barely move, but Josh insisted that it wasn't nearly as bad as peak time. Josh had to meet with Bill to discuss business, so I got off at my stop and went back into the Emporium. There was a Nandos knock-off that I wanted to try.

It was my first time negotiating a restaurant on my own in Thailand. The only Thai I've managed to work out is thank you - K̄hxbkhuṇ khrạb. I've been saying it as Cap hoon cap, and I'm not 100% sure that's right. At lunch me and Josh were deliberately mispronouncing stuff, but I'm pretty sure that's right. Anyway, I used a combination of English and gestures and managed to get through alright. The chicken was ok, but the waitress messed up my order and got me spicy rice instead of chips, so no comment there.

I went home and started typing this the first time. Bloody tumblr.

Oh! A massage girl acknowledged me on the street! Two in fact. One said "hello", and another made kissy noises at me. I ignored them both, but it was nice to be validated like that.