#and Phil's head is less busy than dan's

[dnp-thoughts]

Between dnp who is the lazy gay and who is the activity gay?

oooo, Great question! In my opinion, Dan is definitely the lazy gay. He's the one that is constantly needing to be encouraged to leave the house/upload videos/talk to other humans besides phil.

Phil likes adventures, such as going to the haunted hotel, and that float pod thingy, and taking a pigeon to the vet. I also bet on their vacations he is the one planning all the places they stay and looking into cool excursions they can do.

[ahappydnp]

So I was rewatching dd last night and when dnp were in the Bespoke Activity Corner dan mentioned that he had a breakdown before tour bc he was gay so that got me thinking- if not for ii do u think he would’ve come out in 2018? Why didn’t they come out before ii? What was Phil’s reaction? Like did Dan feel pressure? It’s obviously their business but it really made me look back ya know

obviously we only know what he's said BUT he was actively planning on coming out before ii but i think there were a lot of factors in play as to why he didn't

dan had not come out to his family yet. he said in BIG that he was planning on telling his family christmas 2017, his mum's birthday (feb 2018), and easter 2018 but ended up backing out. he obviously couldn't come out publicly until he had come out privately to his family

he was already living in a glass closet most of 2017 but then march 2018 he made ttlmt (where he made some obvious references to being not straight). people picked up on the queer signaling and dan freaked and backtracked hard in a now infamous liveshow. the liveshow was so poorly received that phil had to do some damage control and dan was clearly not doing well at all.

this part is speculation but i do think the post liveshow backlash is when dan's rosé breakdown happened/phil not thinking the tour would happen. they were working nonstop while dan was both publicly struggling with his audience and secretly struggling with the prospects of coming out

in april 2018 dan said in a liveshow that he plans on uploading a video "in june, that's a sequel to ttlmt". he was talking about filming it mid tour as well, planning on filming it while they were on a break between the uk and european dates (side note about this liveshow: it was about him privating quite a few of his old videos which looking back makes sense because he knew coming out would mean a lot of eyes on his...less than unproblematic old content but his way of going about it backfired yet again and the audience was mad at him again for some lowkey misogyny)

"the june video" became a meme because throughout ii dan would say it was coming soon ("it might be a september video, an october video, who knows")

people have pointed out that he (and phil) were probably aware that there might be some issues with coming out very publicly as gay when they were about to travel to some of the tour dates with anti lgbtq stances. i'm not saying it's why he didn't, but i don't think they didn't consider it

basically he did in fact plan to come out in 2018 and it wasn't the tour alone stopping him. which is completely fair like i cannot fathom what was going through his head when he thought he was going to come out to his family, come out to the entire world by making a massive video, go on an 80+ date world tour, move house (lets not forget they were originally scheduled to move into the forever home in 2018 too!!!) and not lose his shit??? girl.

anyway he's mentioned that BIG would have been a different video if he had come out before ii because meeting so much of his queer audience changed a lot for him which really is beautiful. i just hate that the ii era was also tough for him behind the scenes

[phregnancy]

I was with you for a lot of the discussions you were having on your blog but I have to unfollow you now, as this victimization of Phil is not something I want to be apart of, he is and was a huge celebrity at a time, with a keen eye for business and trends and how to maximize his (and the dnp brand) collective assets. He is the logistical head behind a lot of the decisions they made as a duo and this rebranding as a poor ignored “side-kick” is not doing him justice or the fandom. You are also starting to inadvertently do to Dan what you claim was done to Phil in the past albeit more eloquently and subtly by minimizing his impact and creativity. Dan wasn’t just a relatable brand the reason so many people jumped on the Dan and Phil wagon was because Dan was and is to this day an incredible and compelling storyteller. The amount of work that went into his 10 minute videos is the type of structure that fits into video essayists today that collect millions of views. You said to some of your anons Dan wouldn’t stand for Phil slander but Phil is the man that stood by Dan since he was 18 years old not just because of how he made him feel but because of who he was as an individual as well and I imagine he wouldn’t stand for some of your wording either.

putting this under a cut for people scrolling the spoilers tags and are uninterested in random discourse

dan’s branding heavily leaned into the fact that he was a relatable netizen at the height of his youtube popularity, that was not the sole aspect, but that is what drew in a lot of the crowd who weren’t dan and phil fans. they have a large difference in followings, because dan appealed to a wider audience through more relatable content. they referenced this during the show tonight. he is an excellent storyteller and he is just as brilliant. i am not diminishing that, he has worked very hard to get to where he is. i don’t talk about that as much because quite frankly, it does not need to be said. people aren’t writing think posts about why dan doesn’t deserve his career or saying he piggybacked off phil’s fame at the height of their careers or attributing every emotion of dan’s to phil like he isn’t an individual with complex feelings, like people often have done with phil. i’m also not rebranding phil as a sidekick, he isn’t a sidekick, he has often been overlooked as his content was not as popular as dan’s and again, tonight, he brought up the fact that he felt like he was babysitting while people waited for dan to come back. i don’t think dan is to blame and i also don’t think what he does was easy or simple. now if you think i should shut the fuck up because ultimately they’re two rich british dudes who have more wealth than we could ever imagine and are deserving of less empathy because of that, i’d understand that, but that’s not what you’re saying. all i really have to say is that i find it interesting that me talking about phil and mistreatment by the audience is interpreted, by you, as me bashing dan and saying his career was simple - when i have not said that at all or even alluded to it. i just don’t talk about dan as much, and you assumed that my talking about injustices towards phil means i think dan deserves less. you are right to unfollow because we have strong differing opinions on this.

[cozyfoxy]

Through Sickness and In Health

Summary: After Phil's hospital stay and their vacation, Dan and Phil try to fall back into their routine. Though it's hard to go back to normal when your normal has changed so suddenly. How will the significant health scare affect Dan and Phil even weeks after it's over?

Genre: Canon Compliant with angsty moments

Warnings: Blood mentions, panic attacks

Read On AO3

Phil yawned and adjusted his glasses before reaching into one of the kitchen cabinets to grab a mug. It had been just a few days since he and Dan returned home from their holiday and just a few weeks since his emergency visit to the hospital. Overall, things had gone back to normal for the Lester, Howell household. The biggest change was the small amount of sleep both men were getting these days. Phil was plagued with nightmares nearly every night, which would make it difficult to have a full night’s rest. Then there was Dan, who was always too busy focusing on Phil, worrying that he could get hurt or sick again. His mind would never quiet down long enough to sleep for very long. 

Dan had always been a bit overprotective of Phil, but it had gotten more intense since the accident. Every time that Phil would make more noise than normal, whether it was dropping something or tripping over his own feet, Dan would run to him in a panic. They were always joined at the hip, but lately, it was even less common to see one without the other. Phil wasn’t even allowed to shower with the door closed anymore, just in case something happened and he needed Dan. 

It was a lot and slightly overwhelming for Phil, but he knew Dan was just trying to help. He also knew that Dan was just scared and wanted to do anything he could to make sure that Phil was safe. He would do the same if the roles were reversed. 

Phil walked sleepily to the coffee machine, preparing his coffee robotically. It was nice to be falling back into his old routine after so much chaos. Wake up, make coffee, do some work, and wait for Dan to wake up. Phil had always been more of an early riser, so he’d wake up at least a couple of hours before Dan would. 

He added milk and a few sugars to his coffee and turned to put the sugar away, knocking his mug down in the process. The white mug shattered across the wooden floor, the coffee pooling around the broken pieces like a bad abstract painting. 

“Fucking hell,” Phil grumbled, bending down to pick up the ceramic pieces. 

He had picked up a few of the bigger pieces, collecting them in his hand when he felt a sharp, burning pain in his thumb. Phil huffed and glared at his hand, seeing blood dripping from the cut and down his wrist. He had always been a heavy bleeder, so it didn’t surprise him. More than anything, it just annoyed him. 

A few drops of crimson hit the coffee puddle as Phil pushed himself into a standing position to dispose of the broken mug. At that moment, Dan raced into the kitchen, his forehead sweaty and his brown curls matted. 

“Oh god Phil, what happened? Are you okay?” Dan rambled, running over to his partner. 

Phil smiled sheepishly and nodded, “Yeah I’m okay love, just knocked my coffee over.” 

Dan nodded slowly and looked at Phil’s bleeding hand with a gasp, “Phil, honey, you’re bleeding.” he whimpered, suddenly feeling lightheaded. 

“It’s just a small cut, I bleed a lot you know that. I’m o- Dan? What’s wrong? Hey, hey, let’s get you sat down, yeah?” Phil frowned, leading his boyfriend to sit down in a dining chair. 

The brunette dry heaved a few times after sitting, his head still spinning at the sight of blood. He had never reacted to blood until now. He couldn’t figure out what changed. It wasn’t the smell or anything, not even the way it oozed. There was just so much of it, pooling around the love of his life. Too much blood, too much blood lost. Phil could die, he could lose Phil forever. 

Dan started breathing in uneven huffs and gripping Phil’s shirt tightly, “so much blood. There’s so much.” he cried, trying in vain to control his breathing. 

Phil frowned, “Danny, I’m not even bleeding anymore, see?” He asked, showing off the small cut on his thumb, “it’s just a scratch. I’m not bleeding anymore, I’m okay.” he assured, cupping his partner’s cheek.

“Okay… okay, sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Blood never bothered me before… before the hospital. There was so much blood Phil, I thought I was going to lose you. And I know I should just be thankful that you didn’t die but you could have! Sorry… I’m trying to calm down.” Dan whispered, loosening his grip on Phil’s shirt. 

The older man sighed sadly and kissed Dan’s cheek, “Don’t apologize. It was traumatic for both of us. But I’m okay, you’re okay too. It’s still scary but it won't be forever.” 

Dan threw himself into Phil’s arms, calming his breathing slowly as he focused on Phil’s heartbeat. Phil rubbed up and down his back, feeling himself relax a bit as well. Even when things felt scary and overwhelming, they would always find a way to help each other through it. 

A while later, after the coffee mess had been cleaned up, both men were lying in their bed with a movie playing on the TV. Neither of them were paying attention to the screen, instead just focusing on each other’s company. Phil felt exhausted, the sleepless nights were catching up to him, and Dan wasn’t much better.

“Take a nap, Phil, you need it,” Dan whispered with a smile, running his fingers through his boyfriend’s blond hair. 

Phil could only nod as he let his eyes droop to a close.

~

“Will he be okay? Please tell me he’ll be okay!” Dan yelled, making Phil feel uneasy. 

He looked around himself quickly, bright artificial lights surrounding him. He could hear the beeps of nearby machines and smelled something rusty. Phil looked down and gasped. He saw himself splayed on the cold hospital floor. Blood surrounded him, people surrounded him. Dan was clinging to the bag that they had packed in a rush, tears pouring from his eyes. 

“He’s not likely to make it lad.” A gruff-looking doctor mumbled, “lost too much blood.” 

The doctor pulled out two odd-looking pieces of machinery, rubbing them together quickly. “Clear!” He yelled before pushing them against Phil’s chest. 

Pain shot through Phil, making him shake and cry out. He wanted to beg the doctor to stop, tell him that he was alive and could feel everything. He wanted to yell out to Dan that he was alive, that he would be okay. He needed the pain to stop. 

“Clear!” The doctor yelled again before excruciating pain shot through Phil again.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he willed his body to move away from the shocks. He couldn’t deal with any more pain. The beeping sounded like it was screaming in his ears and the lights were blinding him. Dan, where was Dan? He needed Dan. He tried to cry out, but he couldn’t make a sound. 

“I’m calling it… time of death,” The doctor mumbled, but Phil couldn’t focus on him. 

“Phil… love wake up.” Dan’s voice mumbled through the beeping.

Phil woke up with a gasp, turning to see that Dan was sitting next to him with a worried look on his face. Phil took a deep breath and shuffled in the bed, frowning when he felt some wetness. No… he didn’t wet the bed, he couldn’t have. 

“Let’s get the sheets cleaned, we can take a quick shower and then order some food, yeah?” Dan asked, pecking Phil’s lips before rolling out of the bed.

Phil gritted his teeth together, angry at himself. He was a grown-ass man, he had no reason to wet the bed. What was wrong with him? His stomach clenched before sobs began to wrack through his chest. 

“I’m sorry Dan, I’m so fucking sorry for everything! I’m thirty-seven years old and you’re having to take care of me like I was a toddler. I can’t believe I pissed the bed. I’ll clean the sheets, you go shower. I’m sorry Dan. I’m useless, I’m falling apart. You should leave me, this isn’t fair to you.” Phil sobbed, burying his face into his hands. 

Dan blinked back his own tears and walked to Phil’s side of the bed, “Love… no, none of this is your fault. Accidents happen sometimes, it doesn’t matter how young or old you are. You’re not useless, you’re not falling apart. You’re going through a scary time, things like this are bound to happen. You were having a nightmare again, your body was reacting to that. Let’s get this cleaned up. Together.” He whispered, kissing the top of Phil’s head calmly. 

Phil sniffled and stood up on shaky legs, helping Dan pull the sheets off of the bed and take them to the laundry room. In the laundry room, both men stripped off their clothes and added them to the wash as well. 

“Head to the bathroom and start our shower bubs, I’m going to grab us some pajamas.” Dan hummed, kissing Phil’s tear-stained cheek.

Phil nodded and walked to the bathroom, starting the hot water with a sigh. He felt so much shame, so much embarrassment that he couldn’t focus on anything else. How could Dan be okay with everything that had happened? Phil was supposed to take care of Dan, not the other way around. 

A few moments later, Dan walked into the bathroom with pajamas and oversized towels. Wordlessly, he climbed into the hot stream of water, pulling Phil in with him. The hot water relaxed Phil's tense back and shoulders as Dan scrubbed him clean with fresh-smelling body wash. 

Tears filled Phil’s eyes again while Dan carefully washed his hair and behind his ears, “I’m so sorry Danny. I don’t deserve you.” he whimpered. 

Dan paused his movements for a moment before rinsing Phil’s hair for him and washing his own hair. How could his partner of fifteen years think that he didn’t deserve Dan? They were made for each other, and Dan knew that better than anyone. 

“Listen to me Phil, we’re partners. We take care of each other, we love each other and we are there for each other. You deserve me just as much as I deserve you.” Dan whispered, resting his forehead against Phil’s. “I want you through the good times and the bad times. I want to grow old with you, I want to see the ugliest parts of you and show you the ugliest parts of me. I want us to cherish each other for the rest of our lives. I want to take care of you when you need me to, and I know you’ll always do the same for me. Through sickness and in health, you’re my person and I’ll love you forever.” 

Phil smiled tearfully and wrapped his arms tightly around Dan, the warmth of the shower water and Dan’s skin relaxing him significantly, “I want that too Dan. I just feel like such a burden lately and I don’t want to do that to you. I’ll love you forever too.” 

Dan smiled, “Do you really think I would take care of you if I didn’t want to? Have you even met me? I’m stubborn as hell, I don’t do what I don’t want to do.” He joked, turning off the water and stepping out of the shower. 

“I guess you’re right.” Phil giggled, letting Dan help him out of the shower.

Both men grabbed a towel and dried each other off, as they had done for many years now. Phil couldn’t help but think about the first shower that they took together, back in 2011. Dan had broken down in tears after he had thrown up on the floor, so Phil had started him a shower. Dan being Dan, wouldn’t let him leave so eventually he just climbed in with the brunette. 

That night, all those years ago, Phil had washed Dan just as gently and lovingly as Dan had done for him tonight. They had shared tears and tight hugs as the hot water washed away their stress and anxieties. Maybe their love had always been through sickness and in health. 

“Hmm, I kind of like having a naked Phil in front of me. No clothes for you.” Dan said suddenly, pulling Phil from his thoughts. 

Phil rolled his eyes, “Oi, give me my clothes.” 

Dan hummed innocently before grabbing both sets of clothes, turning, and running out of the room, “You gotta catch me first!” 

“Dan! Really?! It’s cold in here!” Phil yelled back before chasing Dan through their house. 

“Don’t look for someone who will solve all of your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.”

[total-drama-takes-takes-2]

ttwt character profiles - batch 3

MAL

What's your best quality? What isn't great about me? Ugh- fine, okay, I guess my ability to accumulate followers is pretty fun. Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

I only listen to Japanese music. It's called "J-Pop", not that you've ever heard of it

Black

Okay, um, obviously it's 僕のヒーローアカデミア the movie ワールドヒーローズミッション. What? I can speak Japanese, duh.

Salad or dim sum

Describe your craziest dream. I've actually been conditioning myself to have dreams of my husbando, Levi Ackerman from AOT. I haven't had a non-Levi dream since last year. Best memory from childhood? Having my first meet and greet with my favorite YouTubers! Their names are Dan and Phil- Most embarrassing moment at school? Probably when the popular girls in my grade call me a freak for having BL charms on my backpack. Uncultured, tch Describe the first job you ever had. I work at Hot Topic. Ten years from now, what are you doing? Hopefully writing and producing my own show! My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? OBVIOUSLY my baby Levi. I'd take him to Hot Topic and let him buy as many Funko Pops as he wants with my 5% employee discount. It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

Post a goodbye to Wattpad

MAX

What's your best quality? My cunning intelligence, of course. Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

I don't much care for music.

Navy.

Murder on the Orient Express

Challah

Describe your craziest dream. I don't dream. Best memory from childhood? Any time I got to be alone was nice. Most embarrassing moment at school? Pass. Describe the first job you ever had. School is work enough. Ten years from now, what are you doing? Graduated, in a good position at the research university of my choosing. Ideally? Oxford or Cambridge. I would settle for Harvard. Or... I guess, married. That would be alright. Yeah, that would be good. My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? My girlfriend, talking. Since we can't seem to get a minute to ourselves on this damn set. It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

Try to stop it, somehow.

MICHELA

What's your best quality? Um... I don't know. I'm smart sometimes. Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

Alternative rock.

Black

Goodfellas

Quiche a la Lorraine

Describe your craziest dream. I have more dreams than nightmares, usually. Best memory from childhood? I have a lot. I guess... camping with Joner would be up there. Most embarrassing moment at school? Ugh. Let's not talk about that. Describe the first job you ever had. I worked at a catering business for a few weeks to afford the school trip to New York. Ten years from now, what are you doing? Anything, really. I haven't really decided on a career path. I guess... I'd like to own a house with Max some day My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? Max, probably forcing him to listen to music because he's allergic to having good taste It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

Looking back on everything

NOCO

What's your best quality? n/a Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

n/a

n/a

n/a

n/a

Describe your craziest dream. "I hate everything" Best memory from childhood? My brother hit me in the head with a rock once. Most embarrassing moment at school? Being there. Describe the first job you ever had. It was sad. Ten years from now, what are you doing? Inflicting my vision on people against their will. In a... funny way. Yeah. My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? Your mom. It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

Post my manifesto.

O

What's your best quality? I'm helpful! And, uh, I guess I'm a pretty cool person on my own, too. Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

I have a guilty pleasure for old country music

Orange

Huh... probably The Sixth Sense

My grandma's mac n cheese

Describe your craziest dream. We don't talk about the Geoff nightmares anymore. Best memory from childhood? Not sure I have many. Is that bad? Most embarrassing moment at school? I soiled myself in front of my new class after I changed schools and had to introduce myself in front of everyone. That was last year. Describe the first job you ever had. I'm an... unlicensed counselor. Or... I guess being a friend can be a job too, huh? Ten years from now, what are you doing? Anything I put my mind to! My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? Freud, telling him to shove it! It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

Tea and cookies with Grandma.

PATRICK

What's your best quality? My skin. Oh, you mean personality? Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

The hits.

White. Bone white.

Is this necessary?

I'm on a cleanse. Don't bring it up.

Describe your craziest dream. I rid myself of having nonsense "dreams" years ago. Best memory from childhood? I was never a child. Idiot. Most embarrassing moment at school? None. Describe the first job you ever had. I'm interning at a very prestigious firm right now. Ten years from now, what are you doing? Wall street. New York year-round, Hawaii for Christmas, the vineyard for summer. My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? Fiona Apple. It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

Who cares?

PHILLIP

What's your best quality? I have... um.. so many... it's hard to choose... Faves? (music, colour, movie, food)

Music? I guess, good music. Great music.

Probably red. Red is a very masculine color and very powerful, like blood and fire.

I don't have time for movies.

Um... you know, stuff with protein. Burgers. And. Steak. Probably

Describe your craziest dream. I'm already living the dream, haha. Yeah. I also have dreams about being Alejandro from Total Drama. I believe those are prophecies. Best memory from childhood? Probably showing off to all the girls in my class. Because I am so strong and intimidating. Most embarrassing moment at school? None. At all. Is that question really on there? Describe the first job you ever had. My life is a job. Really. Every day when I wake up, that's like clocking in. When I go to bed, or have a sandwich, that's like the paycheck. Ten years from now, what are you doing? Probably winning. At the universe. My dream date would be with ___________, doing what? Probably the amalgamation of God I met outside McDonald's on Christmas Eve last year. We would talk about so many things. It’s the last day on earth. In five words or less, what would you do?

I could intervene.

[honeypotdrops]

❀ All about Honey! ❀

┌──❀*̥˚───❀*̥˚─┐

I’ve been on tumblr since the dawn of time- for me anyway…

i survived the 2014 tumblr buzz and the awkward 2015 dan and phil phase and then my tøp era in 2016 making a swift exit shortly after this-

feeling nostalgic for it- i came back LMAO :)

so this is just me saying hi! and telling you a bit more about myself<3

i intend to eventually put my writing here and some drabbles of things i JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD and hopefully someone will enjoy it!<3

└───❀*̥˚───❀*̥˚┘

❀HI my name is Honey but, you can call me anything! Honey, Honeypot, H.. even Keith if you feel like it.. (maybe something nicer than Keith..)

✿ my pronouns are she/her!

❀I’m 23 and i’m a scorpio (boo’s and/or cheers are welcome depending on your opinions of us oct/nov babies)

✿I’m from the UK, yes i like tea- no i haven’t met the queen, but thanks for your curiosity<3

❀ Cats are my favourite in the whole wide world but i love all animals and wish i could adopt them all-

✿ this blog is A SAFE PLACE- everyone is welcome here regardless of gender, race, sexuality etc, don’t be a fool, i won’t tolerate it.

❀ i’ve been known to have been a hardcore clickie back in the day, saying that like i was born in the 1800’s? one of my first concerts i ever went to was a TØP show in London back in 2016 and i screamed my little 16 year old heart out-

✿ i enjoy writing and reading, i love art and anything to do with it- give me a pen and paper and i’ll draw for hours- i like music a lot, my taste has changed over the years and i have a new favourite song every 3-5 business days, i like to play games- i like Minecraft, call of duty (even though i suck ass when i do play) I was a child of the 2010’s so anything Nintendo is also my vibe.

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

I’m sure at some point i’ll write a less rushed version of this but for now this is enough food for thought :)

love ya!

-Honeypot<3

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Are there any domestic/fluffy fics set between the time since they've come out to now?

Yes! There’s quite a few! Here’s some of the ones I could find!

A Sleepless Night With Phil (ao3) - not_joeys_secret_account

Summary: A jet-lagged Sleepless Night With Phil

all of these small things (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: It’s Dan’s first day back from his American tour, and Phil can’t believe how much he’s missed him.

At the turn of a page (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Phil’s had his reasons for not continuing liveshows during lockdown, but they’re ready for a comeback—a domestic one, at that

Basically I'm Gay (ao3) - ChainedKura

Summary: Dan is editing his coming out video when a deep sadness takes over his body. Lucky for him, he counts with a Phil Lester on his side that will do everything in his power to make his partner feel better.

distracted (ao3) - sunflowerwitches

Summary: phil telling dan a story but dan isn't paying attention at all because he’s too busy thinking about what a cutie phil is.

fools before april (ao3) - okaydoomer

Summary: April fools day 2023 was in a few weeks and Dan and Phil still weren't sure what they wanted to do.

Haunted Hearts (ao3) - vanilladolli

Summary: Dan & Phil find that their apartment may be haunted.. In the midst of this they comfort each other while filming spooky week videos and trying to expell the unwanted ghosts from their home

- time set in 2023 after the hiatus ended

I can't help falling in love with you (again) (ao3) - Findus26

Summary: It's 2020, the world is falling apart and Dan can't help thinking back to October 2009 when everything was new and exciting. Phil finds a way to recreate the feeling

In another life you still would’ve turned my head (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan comes across old black and white photos of two queer men messing around, one playing with the other's hair, just like he did in a recent video with Phil. He gets caught up in the emotions that he would have fallen in love with Phil in any universe. He crawls into Phil's lap and tells him exactly that.

Our Little Quarantine (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: Life is different but no less comforting for Dan and Phil when locked down at home together; the couple decides that there is no safer place in the world than each other's arms.

perfect accident (ao3) - maestronomy

Summary: after dan and phil filmed the new gaming video about heart throb - and they realise they weren’t as secretive as they thought.

phuture phusbands (ao3) - N_Chu4Ever

Summary: Dan’s opinions on weddings are pretty clear — marriage is piece of paper with some benefits, and organising a big fucking wedding is exhausting, and really, Phil, do we need it? Do we? The answer, of course, is no, and yet Phil is still thinking about it. As Dab and Evan’s Sims 4 wedding approaches, that thought process goes into overdrive.

Or: Phil proposes to Dan just after the Devan wedding is filmed.

pyjama week (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Dan and Phil enjoy a relaxing day during their annual Pyjama Week.

quarantine date night (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Dan and Phil have a date-night in during the corona virus lockdown.

Santa Buddy (ao3) - philsbignaturals

Summary: In which the boys host joint family Christmas in their forever home

what a great day to be gay (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan just published Basically, I’m Gay last night and he wakes up with a lighter feeling in his heart and a pair familiar of warm arms ready to wrap around him. It’s a great day to be gay.

***

Phil just published Coming Out To You last night and he wakes with a sense of accomplishment in his heart and so much love for the boy sleeping next to him. It's an appropriate time to share a photo of him bathed in rainbows.

Welcome home! (never leave that long again) (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan comes home from tour and stumbles right into Phil’s arms. He is more touch starved than he’d realised.

Worth the Wait (ao3) - JudeAraya

Summary: It's pretty hard to stay mad at Phil, even when he's forgotten date night.

would it be okay if i came home to you: part 2 (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: dan comes home after the final tour date

-Rae

[piratewithvigor]

My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station

ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band

Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along

Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady

Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof

Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY

Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to

Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name

Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares

Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy

Asia: Tuesdays

Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny

Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company

Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith

Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD

Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy

Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different

Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically

Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL

Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you

Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS

Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life

Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural

Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about

Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty

Bush: ditto

Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?

Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic

Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with

Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that

Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”

Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better

Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right

Collective Soul: who?

Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not

Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*

CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*

CSNY: David Crosby; meh

Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER

Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one

Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up

Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest

Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio

Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor

Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close

Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth

Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none

Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia

Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison

ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule

Essex, David: no prominent memories of him

Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell

Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?

Faith No More: I got nothing

Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop

Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential

Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself

Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip

Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill

Ford, Lita: deserved better

Foreigner: dramatically overplayed

Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box

Free: dramatically underplayed

Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot

Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter

Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass

Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does

Grand Funk Railroad: Funk

Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music

Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes

Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason

Green Day: the first of the emo revolution

Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen

Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that

Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?

Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool 

Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names

Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!

Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references

Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration

Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time

Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself

INXS: Terminator vibes

Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison

James Gang: too many funks

Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative

Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*

Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*

Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute

Jett, Joan: icon

J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played

Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that

John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name

John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me

Joplin, Janis: Queen

Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire

Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic

Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole

Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically

Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject

Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes

Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)

Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons

Live: I got nothin

Living Colour: slap a decent amount

Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track

Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD

McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple

Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf

Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987

Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon

Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot

Modern English: who?

Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes

Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT

Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it

Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie

Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’

Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one

Nicks, Stevie: witch queen

Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill

Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed

Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least

Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*

Offspring: nothing here

Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy

Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard

Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money

Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*

Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good

Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?

Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled

Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’

Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say

Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig

Queensryche: neutral opinion

Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that

Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music

Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent

Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it

Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it

RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)

Red Rider: basically Golden Earring

Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull

REM: American Tragically Hip

REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title

Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie

Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit

Santana: The world needs more Santana

Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend

Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say

Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)

Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you

Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us

Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater

Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it

Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know

Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having

Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison

Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan

Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions

Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard

Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015

Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable

Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself

Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them

Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously. 

Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt

Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to

Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’

Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth

Ten Years After: somehow still relevant

Tesla: not the car or the dude

The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them

The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her

The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul

The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names

The Kinks: kinky

The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile

The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours

The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have

The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it

The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s

Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?

Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern

Toto: the most memed song behind All Star

Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds

T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon

Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush

Tubes: like the yogurt

Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it

U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways

Van Halen: RIP Eddie

Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?

Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn

Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get

War: Foghat, but even groovier

Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis

Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene

Yes: To Be Continued

Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY

Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand

ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged. 

3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever

38 Special: Why 38?

[soupthatistohot]

Why do I write primarily mlm fanfic?

This was something I asked myself the other day. I am a girl, I think I'm queer (but I am attracted to men, whatever I am), so why do I fixate on mlm relationships? Why do I never feel compelled to write wlw or even just some good 'ol straight stuff? I brought this up to a few friends of mine who also watch anime. One of them said that it’s because lots of popular media only really focuses on developing their male characters well, and I think this to be a very suitable explanation (as well as the fact that I’m queer and thus gravitate towards queer stories).

Take Sk8 the Infinity for example. I could count the number of female characters in this anime on one hand, and one of them is a robot. The others are supporting roles who only serve to support the male main characters. I love Sk8 very much, and with the possibility of a 2nd season I’d love to see a prominent, well-developed female character (but if they make her Reki’s love interest I will literally stab someone). But as the anime stands right now, there are no female characters that aren't just basically plot devices.

Another show I love dearly, Yuri!!! on Ice, is much the same. While there can be more of an argument made here because 1) competitive figure skating is split up between men and women, and 2) I believe that the story Yuuri and Victor is absolutely meant to be a romance, so having the two men as the focus is somewhat necessary, there's an overwhelming lack of fleshed-out women in the story. All the female characters are supporting members that only exist for the benefit of male characters. Yuuko and Minako support Yuuri, Lilia exists so Yuri P. can improve, Mila is just... kind of there, and Sara's whole character is centered around her brother being overprotective of her.

Okay, so let's look at something a little less... fruity. Horimiya. I've only watched the anime, so if there's stuff I miss from not having read the manga (yet), please forgive me. I still think this is a valid perspective, though, because if there's female development that the creators decided was so unimportant that it could be cut, that still supports my point here. In my opinion, Miyamura is a lot more developed than Hori. He has his tragic backstory of being a loner, and having his secret piercings and tattoos and all that. A lot of the story ends up focusing on his side of things... despite the fact that Hori is the protagonist. The story follows her perspective for the most part, we learn things about Miyamura as she does, yet I feel like she's a bit dull. She has a uncommon home life and has to take care of her younger brother, that's her big bad secret? I get that it's kind of unexpected since she's the pretty, perfect, popular girl, but I still feel like it's a tad anticlimactic. It's hardly ever addressed beyond the first few episodes, too, and it just kind of exists as a fact within the story. Even beyond our main couple, it seems like the other female characters development and stories are all focused on the boy they're interested in (except for Sawada, but she's there for like a couple of episodes and then doesn't really show up all that much again... and her crush on Hori is handled really weird, I didn't exactly love it). Remi's entire character is pretty much centered around her boyfriend, and Sakura and Yuki are basically competing for Toru. Meanwhile, the guys have story beats themed around the girls they're interested in, but I feel like it's not as obsessive or dramatic as how the girls are depicted.

So, we're given these female characters, who are really watered-down and honestly kind of boring, and we're not super compelled to write about them. When we are given flat female characters, there's nothing to work with. It's more fun to use the characters who have had development and play around with the "what ifs" and our own personal headcannons. The characters who get this special treatment are primarily male. And while I commend a lot of shows for developing their male characters in such a way that doesn't exactly fit with society's idea of masculinity (ex: Reki's insecurities and depression, Yuuri's anxiety and femininity, Miyamura's isolation and depression), in the end these characters are still boys, men, males.

I also think mlm is so prominent because of both straight girls and queer people. For straight girls, it can often be fetishization (forgive my generalizing, I'm sure not all straight girls are like that, but an overwhelming amount definitely are). I think one of the best examples I can give for this is Phan. This is a bit different since it's not anime, but instead real people, but if anything that really drives home the point even more. The way Dan and Phil were (and probably still are) treated in the fandom internet space is disturbing, to say the least. Their audience, while much of it was queer, was also made up of an overwhelming amount of heterosexual girls who not only shipped them intensely, but also often sexualized them. And look, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a straight girl and writing smut, but it gets to a point where it can be kind of weird if its excessive. Like, if that's all the relationship is really about, and if the people you're writing about are real human beings, that's definitely overstepping. I will admit that I had a Wattpad and that I wrote Phanfic way back when, and this is something I'm not exactly proud of. Granted, I did not write anything explicit, it was still super weird, whether or not I was queer. And I'm not saying all the problematic aspects of the Phandom were because of straight girls, because what I contributed was arguably problematic, and I did not identify as straight at the time. At the same time, though, there were straight girls who wrote exclusively smut (or "lemons" as they might've been referred to at the time). There were those who analyzed every post, every bit of information they could find about these men on the internet. They obsessed over the fact that they occasionally shared clothes (which is fairly common for roomates of similar sizes to do), and gathered evidence to support the theory that they shared a bed. It was bad. It was invasive, and it got to the point where it wasn't about the people, it was about the fetishized fantasy these girls made up in their heads about these real, actual men.

Dan and Phil's online presence kind of disappeared for a few years... and I don't blame them.

Getting back on track, mlm is prominent for queer people because it's the LGBT representation they so desperately want to see actualized in media. If a show doesn't make their favorite queer ship canon (and they often don't), they'll do it themselves! That's what fanfic is for! I also know that queer people project onto these characters a lot, and that writing about them is almost like a form of therapy. They see these characters as queer, and they see themselves in these characters, so they write about these characters experiencing similar emotions to them. The thing is, the most compelling characters are male, so those are the characters they end up focusing on, even if the person in question is strictly sapphic. My best example is how I project onto Reki. Personally, I end up thinking of him as (and thus end up writing him as) having some internalized homophobia around being bisexual. That's literally what I am currently going through. I can't project this onto any of the female characters in Sk8, because I couldn't see them going through this experience because they're not developed enough to.

Despite all of this, I still enjoy all of the shows I mention a lot. I think it's just an interesting topic that I was thinking about. I'm not trying to bash anything that I used as an example, these were just my personal observations based off of what I know about these shows and their fandoms. I do, though, believe shipping real people isn't super cool, and I stand by that as someone who used to do it. I'm not going to stop you... I just think it's intrusive and inappropriate to pretend like you know enough about influencers to dictate who they should be involved with romantically. Their love life is, frankly, none of your damn business.

So, long story short, we should make anime (and popular media in general) less misogynistic.

(Also, please leave Dan and Phil alone, they deserve privacy)

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Twenty-One

guess who's back? back again? Another chapter of this story! Sorry for the wait, I've been busy with mental breakdowns, school, work, and some family matters. Thank you so much for being patient and waiting for this story, I'm so grateful for the support! Also... thank you to those of you who voted for this fic in any of the phanfiction awards categories. I am still beyond surprised and grateful for the love you guys have given this story, so thank you for that <3 <3 I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

read on ao3

Words: 14.4k

Summary: A lazy Saturday takes an... unexpected turn.

TW: This chapter explains in some detail the abuse/neglect the children experienced. Please read with caution. (If you would like to skip this, it is unmarked, but it is in the scene with Hazel. There will be a note at the end explaining the part of that conversation relevant to the plot going forward.)

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, mentions of abuse/neglect

Dan’s awoken, as he seems to be constantly these days, by the sound of a phone. It takes him a couple sleep-drunk moments to recognize that it’s not his alarm, or even his phone. For once it’s Phil’s phone buzzing on his nightstand, and after it doesn’t automatically stop ringing, Dan realizes he needs to intervene.

“Phil,” he mumbles, shifting around and trying to gather his bearings with his eyes still shut. “Phil, phone.”

“Yeah,” Phil mumbles back, his voice somewhere above Dan’s head.

Flailing his arm out from underneath the duvet leads to Dan realizing that he’s snuggled against Phil’s chest, with the older man’s arms wrapped around him in a loose embrace. “Answer the phone,” Dan whines, getting more and more irritated at the sound.

“I can’t, you’re on my arm,” Phil complains.

Sure enough, Dan feels Phil’s arm wiggle underneath his shoulder. “Sorry,” he mumbles, rolling away enough for Phil to save his arm. As soon as he grabs the phone off the nightstand, he rolls onto his back to answer it, but holds his left arm out to Dan in invitation. Dan gladly takes the offer, crawling right back into Phil’s space and tucking his face against Phil’s neck.

“Stephanie, hi,” Phil greets, clearing his voice to try and sound more awake than what he clearly is.

Dan listens half-heartedly, his eyes drifting shut again as he waits for the call to end so they can both go back to sleep. That’s ripped right out of his grasp, though, as soon as he registers Phil’s side of the conversation.

“Again? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Tell him I’ll be there at nine. No, it’s alright, but just let him know I’ll be there soon.”

Dan whines at that. “Don’t go,” he pleads, his voice still thick with sleep. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“Shh,” Phil whispers. “Sorry, not you, Stephanie. I was talking to my fiancé.” Phil sends him a very unamused look as Dan continues to complain about it. “Right. I’ll be there in an hour, thank you.”

He hangs up with a sigh, and Dan unashamedly hooks his thigh over Phil’s hip. “Don’t leave,” he begs, voice whiny.

Phil laughs quietly, his hand patting Dan’s thigh gently over the duvet. “I have to, bub.”

“I wanted to cuddle,” Dan pouts, glaring up at him. He knows he’s being childish. Phil’s a grown man with a job and responsibilities, but he’s also quite a good cuddler, and Dan’s selfish sometimes.

Phil kisses his hair. “We’ll cuddle so much when I get home this evening, alright? Like, so much.”

“Fine,” Dan agrees glumly. He closes his eyes again, resting his head above Phil’s heart.

“You need to let me up,” Phil murmurs after a few minutes, his fingers carding gently through Dan’s hair.

“If I don’t let you up, you can’t leave,” Dan informs him, the idea mumbled against Phil’s shirt.

Phil snorts. “Good tactic.” He pets Dan’s hair some more, and even peppers it with some soft kisses. “I don’t actually want to go,” he says softly.

Dan turns his head just enough to kiss Phil’s chest. “I know.” They lay there quietly for a little longer, soaking up the warmth and affection. Eventually, Dan sighs. “Alright, whatever, leave me,” he says dramatically, slowly detaching his limbs from Phil’s body.

Phil laughs and presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “I’ll be back later, you know.”

“I know,” Dan mumbles. “But later is... you know. Stuff.” He tries to avoid looking at Phil, but the part of his brain that’s dumb and likes hurting him can’t help but squint up at him to gauge a reaction.

Phil’s face looks a little less happy, and instead there’s a shadow of nervousness. “Yeah,” he agrees quietly. “But good stuff, yeah?”

And Dan hadn’t really considered that yet. Part of him was just so afraid of being hurt or disappointed that it hadn’t let him consider an alternative, and the part that had... well, that was a very small part. “Yeah,” he says quietly, nuzzling against Phil’s chest.

Phil pats his lower back, just above the swell of his bum. “Alright, then. Let me get up.”

Dan does so begrudgingly, rolling out of his arms and onto his back with a frown. Phil rolls his eyes at him before handing him his pillow to cuddle as a substitute. It’s not nearly as good as the real thing but it will do, Dan decides as he snuggles into it. He manages to drift off to the quiet sounds of Phil rummaging around their room as he gets dressed, but he blinks awake when he feels a soft brush of lips against his cheek.

“Hm?” He hums when Phil mumbles something.

There’s a hand brushing his hair back, and a gentle laugh. “Go back to sleep, bub. I just wanted to say bye. I love you.”

Dan tries to be really awake, but he sort of just nods vaguely in Phil’s direction. “M’kay,” he mumbles. “Kiss?” He requests, the word falling out of his mouth before he can stop it.

Phil laughs, but a second later Dan feels a soft peck on his lips. “Bye, Dan. I’ll see you this evening, yeah?”

“Mhm. Okay,” Dan says, already dozing off once more.

~~~

Several hours later, Dan finds himself sitting at the kitchen table alone, enjoying a fresh cup of coffee as he watches the pigeons and waits for the kids to get out of bed. He’s texting Phil here and there, and he’s just sent off a photo of a particularly chunky pigeon when he hears the tell-tale sound of little feet puttering into the kitchen.

He smiles when Jaiden comes around the corner, rubbing his eyes sleepily with the back of his hand. “Good morning, bubby,” Dan says quietly.

“Morning, Daddy,” Jaiden replies with a yawn and a vague wave. He doesn’t even really look at Dan, instead heading straight for the balcony door, which he sticks his forehead to. Dan can’t help but cringe thinking about the smudges that he’ll have to clean later, but he doesn’t say a word. “Good morning, everyone,” Jaiden greets his pigeon friends politely. “Breakfast is soon. I love you.”

Dan listens with a grin as Jaiden talks to the pigeons softly, and eventually he turns around, coming back over to the table. “Did you sleep okay?” Dan asks him, sipping from his mug.

Jaiden nods, coming to a stop right next to Dan’s chair. He lifts his arms up, giving Dan the cutest, sleepiest pout. “Hug?” He inquires softly.

Dan’s heart melts. “Of course, bub,” he says with a smile, setting his mug down to wrap his arms around the little boy. When Jaiden gives no indication of letting go, Dan chuckles before gathering him up in his arms and situating him on his lap. Jaiden makes a happy noise as he snuggles into Dan’s chest, and as much as Dan’s enjoying this new display of affection, he worries. “You feeling okay?” Dan asks quietly, running a hand over Jaiden’s hair.

“Mhm,” Jaiden nods. “Just sleepy. Wanted a hug.”

Dan coos. He holds Jaiden closer to him, petting his back in long, gentle strokes to give him as much comfort as he can. “I’m always here to give hugs when you need them, alright?”

Jaiden nods against his chest. “M’kay,” he mumbles. He shifts a little, glancing over at Dan’s mug with a curious look to him. “Can I have some coffee?” He asks out of nowhere.

Dan snorts at the swift subject change and the lack of subtlety. “Um, absolutely not, no. Nice try, though.”

With a pout, Jaiden crosses his arms, blinking up at Dan like this is the most unfair thing in the world. “Just a tiny sip, Daddy? Like, a baby one?”

“I think you’re hyper enough as it is, kiddo,” Dan says, shaking his head.

Jaiden looks less than thrilled to hear this. “Dad would let me have some,” he suddenly says, a mischievous look on his face.

Dan can’t help but roll his eyes at the tactic. “I’m sure he would. Dad would also let you stay up until two in the morning watching anime, and that’s exactly why Dad doesn’t get to make all the rules.”

“But Daddy,” Jaiden whines.

“How about this, you can have a tiny, very tiny sip,” Dan relents. “On one condition,” he continues, holding his hand up when Jaiden nods excitedly. “You have to try a new vegetable this week, yeah?”

Jaiden’s nose crinkles, and he looks like he’s seriously considering saying no. Dan waits patiently, sort of hoping that’s exactly what he does, since giving coffee to a small child probably isn’t a great idea anyway. “Deal,” Jaiden announces with a shrug, immediately making grabby hands for the mug.

“Ah, let me hold it, let me hold it.” Dan takes the mug right out of his reach before carefully holding it closer. “It’s still pretty hot, so let me blow on it for a minute.”

Jaiden waits patiently until Dan decides it’s cool enough and carefully brings the mug closer to his face. “A tiny sip?” Jaiden asks, glancing up at him.

Dan nods. “Very tiny. Like barely a swallow, okay? And you can’t tell Dad or Mia or Levi- got it?”

It’s almost hysterical how excited the prospect of a secret makes Jaiden look then. “Okay!”

Dan’s careful as he holds the mug for Jaiden, tilting it just a little bit, just enough for him to get barely a teaspoon. As soon as he’s swallowed, Dan sets the mug down and studies his face for a reaction. Jaiden smacks his lips curiously before a slightly greenish tint colors his usually rosy cheeks. “Ew,” he complains, wiping at his tongue with the sleeve of his shirt.

“What?” Dan says innocently, trying to hide his smile. He knows exactly what it is- black coffee is disgusting until you’ve gotten used to it.

“It tastes like dirt!” Jaiden complains. “Why does it taste so bad, last time Dad-“ he freezes, glancing up at Dan with a guilty look.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Did Dad give you some coffee before?”

Jaiden nods sheepishly. “He let me have some sips of his Starbucks. And Mia, too.”

Dan splutters. “When was that?” He demands.

A thoughtful look crosses Jaiden’s face before he shrugs. “I dunno, before school started.”

With a sigh, Dan sits back in his chair, watching Jaiden follow, cuddling up against him once more. Dan smiles fondly at him, petting his hair gently. “Dad’s gonna be in so much trouble later,” Dan informs him.

“But... you gave me coffee too!” Jaiden protests.

“Just a sip!” Dan whines defensively.

“I’m telling Dad,” Jaiden decides easily.

Dan gapes at him. “You promised you wouldn’t!”

Jaiden blinks up at him with a grin. “I didn’t promise anything!”

“Oh, you little!” Dan laughs, cutting himself off as he tickles Jaiden’s sides, his laughter loud and bouncing off the walls of the kitchen. “Repent, repent!” Dan chants through laughter of his own.

Jaiden squeals, squirming in his lap as he tries to escape. “I’m sorry! I won’t- I won’t!”

Dan stops his attack, scooping Jaiden back up from where he’d been slipping off Dan’s thigh. “Good,” he smiles.

“Do I still have to try a new vegetable if I promise not to tell Dad?” Jaiden asks sweetly, an innocent little smirk on his face.

Dan squints at him. “Are you actually blackmailing me?” He asks, taken aback.

Jaiden shrugs, giggling. “Maybe,” he sings.

Rolling his eyes, Dan pats his back. “Alright, whatever. Tell Dad, if you want. He won’t be mad.”

Jaiden’s face falls. “So I still have to try a vegetable?” He sounds disappointed.

Dan cackles. “Yeah, bub, you’ve gotta try a new vegetable.”

Jaiden sulks at this, crossing his arms. “Fine,” he concedes. Dan knows he can’t stay mad for long, so he waits patiently for something to change. It doesn’t take long. “Can I have breakfast?”

Smiling, Dan gently coaxes Jaiden off his lap. “Of course you can, bub. What’ll it be? Cereal? Omelette? If Dad was here I’d have him make us some pancakes,” Dan muses as he makes his way around the kitchen, checking to see what breakfast ingredients they had on hand.

“Where is he?” Jaiden asks, looking around like he’s just noticed Phil’s absence.

“He got called into work,” Dan says with an apologetic smile.

“Oh,” Jaiden says, nodding knowingly. He seems to consider his options, then says, “I think I’ll have an omelette.”

“Good choice, little man,” Dan says, going to collect the ingredients from the fridge. “Hm... I really need to get some groceries today. Maybe Phil’ll stop by- Jaiden?” The slight raise in pitch is due to the empty kitchen he finds upon turning away from the fridge.

He discards the carton of eggs and the milk on the counter, abandoned in favor of making sure his child hasn’t just dropped off the face of the earth somehow. Making his way down the hall to the twins’ room, there’s quiet voices floating towards him and he begins to feel his worry waver. He’s just about to retreat back to the kitchen to start breakfast when he hears Phil’s voice. Confused, he steps closer and gently pushes the door open.

He’s not sure what he expected, but what he finds is Jaiden and Amelia huddled together on her bed, Dan’s phone held in Jaiden’s little hands. It takes a moment for Dan to register it, but when he hears Phil laugh, he realizes the noise is coming from his phone.

“Dan did what?” Phil asks, his voice lighthearted and amused.

“Yeah, what did I do?” Dan asks, crossing his arms as he leans against the door frame.

Amelia squeals in surprise, and Jaiden’s whole face goes a little pink and sheepish. “Hi, Daddy,” he says with a weak wave.

Dan settles him with an unimpressed look. “Hi. What’ve you got there?”

Jaiden turns the phone around with a little smile. “It’s just Dad.”

Phil looks to be in his office, and he’s got a sweet smile on his face as he waves to Dan. “Hi, baby.”

“Hi,” Dan says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “What did they tell you?”

Phil grins. “Why, Danny? Are you keeping any secrets from me?”

Dan splutters. “No,” he says defensively.

“Mhm,” Phil hums. “So, giving Jai coffee this morning doesn’t ring any bells?”

Dan’s face feels warm when he stalks forward and holds his hand out for his phone. Jaiden gently hands it to him, with a sheepish little grin, and Dan can’t help but roll his eyes fondly. Looking back at Phil, he shakes his head, affecting a stern voice when he says, “I don’t wanna hear it, bub. He told me all about the Starbucks you let him have months ago, and I think that trumps the little secret sip I let him have this morning.”

Phil’s clearly holding back a laugh as he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dan gives him a blank look. “Jaiden told me about it.”

Phil shrugs. “You have no proof.”

Rolling his eyes, Dan turns to face the twins. “No more running off with my phone without telling me first, got it?”

Jaiden nods. “Am I in trouble?”

Dan smiles softly at him. “Of course not, bubby. How about both of you get dressed so we can get breakfast, and if you’re extra good we might go to the park later, okay?”

Amelia’s eyes light up and she’s quick to scramble off the bed. “Okay!”

Jaiden’s quick to follow suit, much to Dan’s amusement. When he’s sure they’re okay on their own to get ready for the day, Dan shuffles out of their room, pulling the door nearly shut behind him and sighing. He gives Phil his full attention now, offering him an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry about that, I know you’re busy at work, and I didn’t even know he had my phone until-“

“Dan,” Phil interrupts warmly. “It’s fine.” He’s got a genuine smile on his face, so Dan has no real reason not to believe him.

“Okay,” Dan says softly. He suddenly feels shy, with Phil looking at him like that, even through the screen. “How’s work?” He asks, flinging himself into a mindless conversation so he’s not thinking about the way his stomach flutters, knowing the conversation they need to have later.

“It’s alright,” Phil says with a shrug. “I had to deal with two cancellations on some minor guests and also fire someone, so, like, it could be better,” he says, voice going quieter as he slouches, almost like he’s ashamed to admit he’s having a bad day.

Dan makes some sort of soft, unintentional noise in his throat. “I’m sorry you’re having a shit day, bub.”

Phil shrugs. “S’okay.”

Propping the phone up so they can still see each other, Dan goes about grabbing a pan and the other things he needs to make omelettes. “I’m not, er, keeping you from doing something, am I?” He suddenly asks, turning to glance at the phone, feeling a flash of embarrassment at the way he’d just assumed Phil would be free to chat.

Phil’s got an odd sort of focus in his eyes as he studies Dan. “Not at all,” he says, his voice incredibly soft.

Dan feels better about launching into his version of the coffee story, defending his actions wholeheartedly while Phil snickers and makes disbelieving noises every time Dan insists he didn’t give him that much. Somehow the conversation shifts to a debate on which of the kids are more likely to keep a secret, and from which parent. Eventually they figure Levi’s more likely to keep something from Phil, while Amelia is more likely to keep something from Dan. They decide Jaiden is their Switzerland, and will probably just blurt anything out to either of them if he felt like he was in trouble.

From there the conversation shifts to the similarities they have with the kids, and Phil’s just explaining how Amelia’s more like him when Dan hears footsteps behind him. He glances over and smiles when he sees Levi, hair wild and unkempt, with shadows under his eyes. Something about his posture, and the way he doesn’t even look up at Dan, has his pleasant demeanor dropping, his concerned parent persona taking front stage.

“Levi, bubba, you okay?” Dan asks softly, momentarily forgetting about his conversation with Phil.

Levi glances at him and nods, waving him off with a vague motion. “Just tired,” he mumbles, nearly falling into a chair at the table and dropping his head in his hands like he can’t hold it up on his own. He squints past Dan, at the phone on the counter. “Hi, Phil,” he greets, tilting his head to offer a weak wave with one hand.

Phil looks as surprised as Dan feels at the acknowledgement of his presence, even via FaceTime. “Morning, kiddo. You feeling okay?”

Levi looks on the verge of saying yes, but something in him hesitates. Dan gives him a searching look, and he hopes it doesn’t come across as nosy. “I couldn’t really sleep last night,” he answers finally.

Dan waits for a moment to see if Levi is going to say anything more. When he doesn’t, Dan spares a look at his phone, where Phil seems to be at a loss for words as well. “Was it…” He changes course when Levi’s gaze flickers away. “Do you know why you couldn’t sleep?” Dan asks carefully, navigating some sort of mental minefield trying to say the right thing.

Levi shrugs, dropping his gaze to scratch a fingernail against the table. “Dunno,” he mumbles, closed off once more.

Unsure what else to do or say, Dan sends Phil a look. Luckily, via whatever weird mental symbiosis they share, Phil seems to get it. “Well, I should probably get back to work,” he says, subtly excusing himself from the conversation he realizes that Dan needs to have with Levi. “I’ll see you at home later, yeah?”

Dan nods, offering him a smile. “Yeah, course. Have fun at work. I hope your day gets better.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Highly doubt it will, but thanks. Have fun at the park without me,” he says with a pout.

Dan laughs. “Play hooky and meet us there.”

“I could never,” Phil says, as if the very idea is shocking to him.

It’s Dan’s turn to roll his eyes then. “Of course not.” Phil gives him a grin, and Dan shakes his head fondly. “Love you. See you tonight.”

“Bye, Dan,” Phil offers him one last smile before the call drops. Dan spares a second to feel disappointed that Phil didn’t say he loved him back, and then he’s cursing himself for it, knowing better than to want more than what he can have. His mind unhelpfully reminds him of the topic of the discussion they’re meant to have later, which does approximately nothing to assuage his nerves.

Turning to Levi gives him a good excuse to push the thoughts away. “Sorry about that,” he says with a half-smile.

Levi shrugs. “S’fine.”

Dan flips the omelette he’s working on over, watching the way the steam rises up as he considers how to ask Levi about his sleep problem. Eventually, he settles on the most straightforward way. “Do you really not know why you had trouble sleeping last night? Or is it just something you don’t want to discuss with me?” He asks in the most gentle tone he can.

“I...” Levi starts. He pauses, like he’s trying to get his thoughts together. “I guess I had, like... like a bad dream.”

“A bad dream?” Dan says, keeping his voice gently inquisitive and really hoping it doesn’t sound like he’s just trying to pry.

Levi nods when Dan looks at him. “Yeah, like- like I’d fall asleep and have this nightmare and so I’d make myself wake up but then-“ the words are spilling out of him in a rush, and he pauses to take a deep breath. “Then I’d fall asleep again and it would just keep happening.”

Dan plates the omelette up quietly as he waits to see if Levi has more to say. When it’s clear that he doesn’t, Dan goes about pouring a glass of orange juice and grabbing a fork, setting the plate and cup down in front of Levi, much to his surprise. “You should eat some breakfast,” he says softly.

Levi sort of glances at the food, like he doesn’t trust it at first, but after a moment he grabs the fork and stabs at the omelette, so Dan turns to go make some more. It’s silent for a few minutes until Levi says, “It was about them.”

The words make Dan turn, flicking his eyes over at Levi with a frown. “Who?”

Levi stares at his food, his face a paler shade than it was before. “My mum and dad.”

And he’s never really spoken about them, not to Dan. He’s not sure what to say to that, though. He’s not sure what he can say that won’t frighten Levi, won’t make him shut down again. All he can offer is a quiet, “I... I don’t know how horrible that must have been. But thank you for sharing that with me.”

Levi nods, looking away. “It was.” When Dan tilts his head in confusion, Levi shrugs. “Horrible. It was horrible.”

Dan’s chest feels tight and heavy. “Levi...”

He’s just about to step closer to comfort him when Levi looks up at him, the sudden eye contact startling him a bit. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Oh,” Dan says, surprised enough that he nearly stumbles back. “I, um. That’s fine. We don’t have to.”

Levi nods, taking a sip of his orange juice. Dan waits for a few moments, plating another omelette before he says Levi’s name quietly. “Hm?”

“I know we say this all the time,” he starts gently. “But anytime you want to talk... about anything, ever...” he turns now, allows himself to look into those pained eyes, that’ve seen things Dan could only have nightmares about, and he forces his voice to be steady but gentle. “We’re here. Me and Phil, we’ll always listen, if you ever want to talk about things. I know we’re not... well, we aren’t your parents.” Levi flinches, imperceptibly, at that. Dan’s heart hurts. “But you’ll always have a family with us, yeah? Anything you need, you can- you can talk to us.”

His voice has gone tight and impossibly high by the time he’s finished, but he forces himself to be unwavering. He won’t let himself cry, not in front of the child he’s meant to be a strong parental figure for. Even despite telling himself that, though, he can feel how hot his eyes are, and forcing himself to blink to clear his vision doesn’t help.

Levi looks back at him for a long moment before nodding. “I know.”

Dan nods too, relieved that he managed to hold himself together and get his point across. “Good,” he says, clearing his throat. “Do you mind going to fetch your brother and sister? Their breakfast is done.”

Levi murmurs an agreement before turning to leave the kitchen, looking relieved to get a break. Dan doesn’t blame him, honestly. When you’re a teenager, the most uncomfortable thing is having an emotional conversation with an adult, especially one you aren’t close to. He can only imagine the discomfort Levi is feeling, and he makes a mental note to be a little more relaxed on him from now on rather than springing those kinds of conversations on him with no warning.

As he waits for the kids to come into the kitchen, Dan checks his phone. He finds a text from Phil and opens it a little bit eagerly. He grins stupidly the minute he reads it, and part of him wants to screenshot it while the other part wants to just tattoo it onto the back of his eyelids. It was sent a little less than ten minutes ago, probably right after their call ended.

Phil: Love u too btw

Phil: I didn’t mean to not say it back

Dan: Im sure u say that 2 all the boys

Phil: Nope just you bub ❤️

Dan grins for the rest of the morning.

~~~

A few hours later, Dan manages to get all the kids into the car to head out for some errands. Levi’s got his group therapy session, and Dan’s still trying to decide if he wants to get groceries before or after picking him up when the twins remind him he’d promised to take them to the park. He weighs his options there and eventually decides that going to the park first would probably be in his favor. They can’t be too hyper in the store if they’re both exhausted from playing.

With the day’s plan set, Dan drives Levi to his session, stalling on the side of the street until they’ve watched him walk inside. Amelia tells him she thinks that’s a bit creepy, while Jaiden disagrees, saying that he feels a bit like a spy, watching his brother from the barely tinted windows of Dan’s car.

When they finally reach the park, the twins are nearly vibrating with excited energy, and Dan’s almost already exhausted just seeing how excited they are. “Try not to run off where I can’t find you, okay?”

“Okay!” Amelia all but squeals as she races Jaiden to the curly slide.

Shaking his head fondly, Dan finds an empty spot on a bench near a mum with a pram, and he actively avoids making eye contact with her as he sits. He watches Amelia and Jaiden chase each other around for a bit, eventually pulling his phone out and snapping a photo to send to Phil. The response is nearly instant.

Phil: :((( I wish I was there!!!

Dan: i believe i remember asking u to join us and u said no

Phil: I’m at work!!

Dan: well, im at the park bub

Suddenly Dan’s phone is ringing. He glances over at the lady beside him, smiling apologetically and seriously hoping the noise doesn’t wake her baby. He scans the playground for the kids as he puts the phone up to his ear, smiling already. “What?” He says, biting back a smile.

“Don’t “what” me,” Phil says, his voice lilting up in playful annoyance. “I’m mad at you.”

“Yeah?” Dan snorts. “And what about, exactly?”

Phil makes a spluttering sound. “You- You’re at the park, without me!”

Dan smiles, partly at the childish tone in his voice, and partly at watching Amelia push Jaiden on the swings. “I mean, to be fair, I’m also at the park without Levi, but I think you’re a bit more upset about it than he’d be.”

Phil mumbles something under his breath, but it doesn’t sound actually mad, so Dan doesn’t ask for clarification. “Did he seem alright when you dropped him off?”

“Yeah, he was fine,” Dan says. He walks in a little circle, stopping once more to watch the twins as he contemplates sharing anything from his earlier conversation with Levi. “He said he had nightmares about his birth parents,” he says softly. He can’t just not talk about it, not when the wellbeing of their children is meant to be a joint effort.

“Oh, god,” Phil breathes. He sounds just as pained as Dan feels at the thought. “Did he say what they were about?”

Dan shakes his head, even if Phil can’t see him. “No. He didn’t really want to talk about it. He just told me that bit, and then he just… sort of shut down.” He tries to steady his shaky breathing.

“That’s… God, Dan, that’s horrible.” Phil seems to reconsider his words. “Not that he told you- I just meant, like… the dreams themselves. That’s awful.”

“And we can’t even do anything about it,” Dan nearly whispers, his gaze going a little blurry as he’s overcome with a striking feeling of inadequacy.

“Dan,” Phil murmurs. “We are doing something, babe. We’re trying to give him a better life, away from that. Even…” He takes a deep breath then, and Dan braces himself for what he knows is coming. “Even if it’s not for long.”

The thought makes Dan feel just as violently ill as it always does. It’s like missing a step on a staircase you’re creeping down in the dark- he should see it coming, but it takes his breath away every time, in the worst way. It takes Dan a moment of choking around the lump in his throat, but eventually he manages to swallow it down, making room in his mouth for the words he doesn’t want to say. “We need to talk when you get home.” His voice is nearly a whisper.

Phil doesn’t respond right away. When he does, he sounds older, more exhausted. “I know.”

Dan’s just about to make an excuse to hang up and get a grip on himself when he hears Jaiden calling for him. “Daddy!”

“Yeah, buddy?” Dan says, faking a smile like the actor he isn’t. Jaiden’s eyes look a little red around the rims, and Dan immediately crouches down to look at him closer, nearly forgetting that Phil’s on the other end of his phone, clueless as to what’s happening. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Jaiden nods, then shakes his head. “Those boys- they said- they said that-“ Jaiden’s hiccuping with almost every word, and Dan takes a moment to shush him gently.

“Take a deep breath, bub,” he instructs gently.

In his ear, he hears Phil’s incessant questions. “What’s wrong? Dan! Is he okay?”

“Phil, he- I don’t know. Give me a minute,” Dan mumbles into the phone. He gives Jaiden a soft smile when he tilts his head curiously. “It’s just Dad. Do you want to talk about it in private?” Jaiden seems to consider it, nodding sheepishly after a moment. “Alright, that’s fine. Give me just a minute, okay?” Standing up and guiding Jaiden over to an empty picnic table, Dan speaks quietly into the phone. “Babe, he’s fine, I think he just got into it with some boys on the playground. I’ll call you back in a bit, yeah? Let me talk to him and sort it out.”

“Okay,” Phil says, sounding relieved. “Tell him I love him, yeah? Please?”

Dan smiles down at Jaiden, his heart full of the best kind of warmth, for both of them. “Will do. I’ll ring you in a bit, yeah?”

“Alright. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Dan says, biting his bottom lip to keep his smile from widening. He ends the call before turning his full attention to Jaiden, who looks much calmer now that he’s had a few minutes to recover from whatever happened. Sitting down beside him, Dan nudges his knee against Jaiden’s playfully. “Wanna talk about it?” He asks gently.

Jaiden put his little arms around himself. Dan’s suddenly reminded that it’s actually a bit cold out, and honestly if they weren’t running around playing, they’d probably be whining to go home to get out of the cold. “Those boys told me to ask if I could play with them on the other side of the park,” he starts, gesturing vaguely to the playground area.

Dan nods, gaze flicking around until he spots Amelia on the swings, playing with a little girl who looks a little younger. “Well, I’m glad you came to ask me first. I’d prefer you didn’t go that far, though, since your sister is still over here.”

Jaiden looks down at his shoes, which he’s scuffing on the ground. “They said something else, too,” he says quietly.

“What’s that?” Dan asks cautiously, a little nervous by the tone of Jaiden’s voice.

“I pointed at you so they’d know who I was asking, and they told me you weren’t my dad, cause we don’t look alike.” Jaiden’s voice sounds so sad and despondent, Dan is suddenly very glad those children are out of his sight. He’s not above chastising someone else’s kids, or kicking another parent’s ass for their offspring’s behavior.

Something about Jaiden’s words dawns on him then, and he looks down at him, frowning. “Bubby… you know I’m not, like…”

Jaiden nods before he can even finish saying it. “I know.” He sighs, then, kicking the ground a little more harshly. “Just wish you were.”

Dan can’t help but wrap him up in a hug upon hearing that. “Jai…” His voice is thick and garbled. He clears his throat and tries again. “You and Mia may not biologically be my children, alright, but I love you both so much. And as far as I’m concerned, you guys are my kids, yeah?”

Jaiden sniffles, burying his face into Dan’s ribs. “What about Phil?” He mumbles.

Dan’s throat goes tight. “Of course,” he says hoarsely. “Phil loves you so much, bubby.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then Jaiden leans away a little, looking up at Dan with watery eyes. “Will you and Phil always want to keep us?”

His heart aches. He hugs Jaiden closer, kissing the top of his head. A traitor tear escapes his eye, but he allows it, just this once. “Yeah, Jaiden. We’re always going to want to keep you. You’ll always be a part of our family.”

Jaiden stays cuddled to his side for a few minutes, but eventually he pulls away, wiping his face with his sleeve. He looks a little tired, but otherwise mostly back to normal. “Can I go play with Mia?”

Dan nods, kissing his forehead. “Sure, kiddo.” Jaiden slides off the seat and goes to rejoin his sister, but Dan doesn’t let him get far without saying his name quietly. When Jaiden turns to look at him, Dan smiles as earnestly as he can. “I love you, Jai-bird.”

Jaiden smiles at him. “Love you too, Daddy,” he says with a little wave. He’s off in a sprint then, racing towards his sister as if the last ten or so minutes never even happened. with a little more pep in his step, and Dan nearly bites through his bottom lip trying to keep his emotions in check.

It’s not like he hasn’t had this sort of overwhelming breakdown before in regards to the precarious nature of their situation with the kids. He’s had it several times, but always in the privacy of his own room, or at the very least his office at work. Feeling half a centimeter away from a breakdown in public is worlds away from that, and he finds himself digging his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through his contacts before he even realizes what, or who, he’s looking for.

When he hears the familiar sound of ringing as he waits for her to pick up, he holds his phone up to his ear, standing so he can pace while he talks. It doesn’t take long for an answer, thankfully.

“Hello, love. I was starting to wonder when I’d hear from you again,” his mum’s familiar voice fills the line.

Dan chokes a laugh. “Mum,” he says, trying to force himself not to cry.

“Dan? Is everything alright?” She asks, her voice going high when she realizes, undoubtedly, that everything is not alright.

“You were right,” Dan nearly gasps out. It’s hitting him, now, the extent of the realization he’s just had. It’s not just about the children, and about preemptively missing them. It’s about Phil. God, it always is, though, he thinks, nearly bitter at the thought.

“About what, dear? What is this about?”

Dan laughs bitterly. “I don’t know. All of it. Everything. I think I just realized what a mistake this all was.”

“What’s a mistake? Dan, love, you’re scaring me.” She sounds less calm than normal, like maybe she realizes how very not okay he is right now.

Pacing back and forth, Dan gestures wildly, even though she can’t see him. “All of it. The pretending to be with Phil, the fostering...” he takes a shuddering breath. “It was a mistake.”

His mum is quiet for a moment. When she speaks her voice is impossibly soft. “Surely you don’t mean that, love.”

Dan ducks his head, a flood of hot tears pouring from his eyes. “Yes,” he argues. He spares a glance to the swing set where the children are and his heart squeezes. “No,” he sighs, reluctantly. “I don’t know. It’s just... I know I’m going to have to give them up, they’ll leave eventually, and then Phil will leave me and- and-“

And that’s it, really, he thinks to himself. As much as he fears losing the children, he knows he could survive it, with Phil there. But he knows that if Phil were to leave... that’s something he might not survive. Not now.

“I don’t think I can live without him,” he whispers brokenly.

His mum makes a sad cooing noise. “Dan...”

“I love him,” he’s properly crying now. The words aren’t brand new, but the feeling of utter freedom he feels after saying them is an adrenaline rush like no other. “I’m in love with him. I probably always was,” Dan confesses, and the world keeps spinning around him like it always has, as if he didn’t just admit to something he’s spent ten years ignoring.

His mum sighs, and Dan doesn’t think he imagines the note of relief he hears in the sound. “Well not to be blunt, Daniel, but I already knew that.”

Dan’s mind is effectively blank. “You...”

“Love, a mother can always tell. Kath’s known even longer than I have.”

Dan stifles a choked noise. “You and Kath talk too much,” he mumbles petulantly.

His mum laughs, and even in the spiral he’s in, the sound makes his lips twitch in a shadow of a smile. “Well it sounds like you and Phil don’t talk enough.”

“Well that’s not- I mean, we do, but-“

“Exactly,” she says, sounding smug. “Now, assuming you already realize he feels the same way, you probably ought to have a chat with him, Daniel.” She makes it sound so easy. As if he can just stare Phil in the eyes and tell him he’s in love with him, as if that’s something you just do.

“I... I don’t know if I can do that,” he says finally, his chest hurting with the thought of being rejected.

It’s quiet for a bit. Dan hears some clinking and assumes his mum is probably making some tea. Suddenly he yearns for that, despite the fact that he’s never really felt close enough to her to enjoy the typical mother-son bonding activities. This conversation has given him some perspective on his mother that he didn’t previously have, in the best way.

Eventually, she sighs. “Well then it won’t get any better, will it?”

“What?” He asks, almost forgetting what the original conversation was.

“Well, you’re bloody miserable right now, aren’t you?” Before Dan can protest, she continues. “But that won’t change until you do something about it. You can’t expect your problems to just magically disappear without talking about them.”

Dan bristles. “He’s not a problem.”

He can hear the smile in her voice when she answers. “I never said he was, love. I just think the lack of communication is driving you both mad, especially since this is the first you’ve talked to me in weeks.”

Dan feels a bitter guilt in his chest at that. He hates that she’s right, but she is. “Mum, I’m sorry, really-“

“Oh, nonsense. Phil sends me photos of the kids every now and again, and Kath and I chat every week. I knew you were busy, it’s fine, bear.”

His heart warms at that. It’s ridiculous how much he loves that his and Phil’s lives are so intertwined that their mums are actually friends. He sighs as he thinks about why that is, how glaringly obvious his feelings for Phil have been from the start. “I think I’m going to tell him tonight,” he whispers, as if anyone else could hear.

He can hear the smile in his mum’s voice when she replies. “That’s lovely news, Dan.” There’s a wavering hesitation before she continues. “I’m proud of you.”

He’s not crying. “Thanks, Mum.”

“And I love you, no matter what happens, alright? And if that boy has a brain in his head, so does he.”

He’s definitely crying. “Alright, alright. I love you too. I’ll try to call more.”

“I’d appreciate it,” she says dryly. “Maybe a visit soon, yeah?”

Dan’s not sure he can promise her that, but he agrees anyway before ending the call. His heart is full and his thoughts are swimming in circles as he begins wandering around the park, idly looking for his children. It takes him a minute to realize he doesn’t see them, and as soon as he does, his entire mood shifts.

Smiling tightly at the mums on one of the benches, he circles around to where he saw them playing on the swings last. He’s going into full panic mode when he hears a familiar voice.

“Daddy!”

Dan spins around, ready for the relief of finding his child safe. That doesn’t happen. Instead he’s met with Amelia’s tear-streaked face, her legs running as fast as they can carry her as she screams for him.

“Mia! What’s wrong?” He asks frantically, dropping into a crouch to look at her.

“It’s- something’s wrong, Jai’s on the ground and-“ the minute she falls into his arms sobbing, Dan stands, cradling her as she tries to direct him to where Jaiden is.

The next minute or so is a blur for him. Some sort of panicked internal instinct kicks in and one minute he’s running and the next he’s dropping to his knees beside Jaiden’s shaking body. Jaiden’s eyes are full of tears as he gasps for breath, his body convulsing as he grips at his chest. Dan’s veins fill with ice as he grabs the child’s shoulders, wracking his brain trying to remember what little he knows of emergency medical procedures.

“It’s gonna be okay, buddy. Can you sit up for me?” Dan speaks quickly but gently as he props Jaiden into a sitting position, trying to help him gasp more breath in. Dan’s no expert but he vaguely remembers learning how to handle an assumed asthma attack, and right now this is all he knows to do.

Jaiden grips his hand tightly, crying between every strangled breath. “Hurts!”

Dan’s eyes sting. “I know, bubby.” He glances over at Amelia, wide-eyed and crying a foot or so away. “Mia, love, I need you to be a big girl for a second, okay?” She nods frantically. He stands as he talks, scooping Jaiden up in his arms. “We’ve got to take Jaiden to the car. I need you to stay really close to me, okay?”

“Okay,” she mumbles her agreement.

Dan nods, trying to hold Jaiden in an upright position to help his breathing. “Take deep breaths, bub. We’re going to get some help,” he talks gently and as calmly as he can as he makes his way to the car, Amelia hot on his heels.

He manages to keep his composure long enough to get both of them in the car and get himself behind the wheel. Jaiden is nearly sobbing in the backseat, his little hands balled into fists in his shirt, his breathing loud and raspy. Dan swallows the panic down, forcing himself to focus. There’s a couple of random people milling about near his car, having seen the whole ordeal, and Dan tries to avoid eye contact as he drives out of the lot, headed for A&E.

“Hey Siri,” Dan says, loud over the sound of the cries in the backseat. His phone chirps. “Call Phil.”

The line doesn’t ring long before it connects, and an amused voice answers. “Hi baby, miss me?”

Dan has no time for the way that makes him feel. “I need you to meet us at A&E,” he says, getting straight to the point.

Phil’s silent for all of three seconds. “What? What happened, are you okay? Dan-“

“I think Jaiden’s having an asthma attack,” Dan explains quickly. “I don’t know what to do, so I’m headed to hospital. I need you to get a car to pick Levi up and meet us there.”

“Of course, yeah,” Phil answers. He sounds frantic. “Dan, where- are you- is he-“

“Meet us at hospital, yeah?”

“Dan, yes, I’ll be there,” Phil’s voice sounds almost exasperated. Dan can hear some rustling and other noises in the background, and he knows Phil’s leaving work. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan says, trying not to burst into tears when he hears a particularly miserable cry from the back. “I love you.”

“Dan,” Phil sounds nearly breathless. “I love you too. Be safe.”

Dan ends the call without another word, glancing to the back every few seconds to see how Jaiden is. “Just hang on, buddy, we’re almost there. Take some deep breaths, okay. Everything’s gonna be fine.” He’s rambling at this point, but he knows that Jaiden is in no state to recognize the underlying panic just beneath the surface.

“Siri,” he calls again. “Call A&E.”

The phone takes a minute to process this request, and then it’s ringing shortly before a woman’s voice answers with the name of the institution and “how can I be of service?”

“Er- hi, I believe my son is having an asthma attack. I’m bringing him in but I wanted to call and let you know he needs to see a doctor immediately.”

The nurse makes a pitying sort of noise and Dan hears the clacking of a keyboard. “Yes sir, and what is your name?”

“Daniel Howell,” he replies, changing lanes to take the next turn. He thinks it’s a shortcut, but he might be a little delusional about that.

“And the boy’s?”

“Jaiden Young,” he informs her.

“Alright, I’ll collect more information when you arrive. Come straight in through the A&E doors and a nurse will be on standby to help.”

“Perfect, thank you.” He ends the call with a shuddering breath, trying to hang onto what’s left of his sanity until they get there. He glances back again and sees Jaiden, his face red and wet with tears, struggling against his seatbelt. “Hang on, Jaiden. We’re almost there. We’re almost there, and they’ll help you when we get there, yeah? Just... just take some deep breaths, it’ll be okay.”

He really doesn’t know who he thinks he’s fooling.

~~~

Getting checked in when they arrive to A&E is a blur. There’s a nurse waiting, just like the lady on the phone said there would be, but Dan’s reluctant to hand over his child to a stranger. They’ve got a wheelchair waiting, and the nurse is talking in a gentle tone, some of her soothing words directed to Jaiden and a few comments directed at Dan. He barely hears her. There’s a rushing sound in his ears, and he’s only snapped back into the reality of the situation when the nurse begins pushing the wheelchair away, off towards a set of double doors. Dan follows unthinkingly, only stopped by the sound of a raised voice.

“Sir, you can’t go back there.”

Dan turns to stare at the receptionist. “That’s my child, can I-”

She stands, shaking her head. He tries to stand his ground, but her words make him falter. “No sir, not until they’ve figured out what’s wrong. Please have a seat and we’ll let you know when you can see him,” she says, her voice firm but compassionate.

With no other options, Dan nods numbly, turning around to trudge towards some empty chairs near the door. Amelia is looking up at him with big eyes, and he offers her a small, reassuring smile. “C’mon, let’s go sit down for a bit, yeah?”

She nods, swiping at a tear as she reaches for his hand. As soon as he’s found a seat, he reaches for her. She allows herself to be scooped into his lap, wrapping her little arms around his neck with a sad noise. He closes his eyes, rubbing her back gently as he shushes her gently. “Shh, love. It’ll be alright. The doctors will fix Jaiden right up, yeah?” Amelia manages a nod, and they settle into a nervous silence as they wait for something to happen.

They don’t have to wait long. Dan’s expecting Phil to show up any minute, so he’s not really surprised when the doors open and his best friend rushes in, a panicked look on his face as he scans the room. He takes one look at Dan and something seems to settle in him, his shoulders losing some of the tension and his expression morphing into something like relief. Dan doesn’t even think to stop himself from standing, gently setting Amelia down as he takes a step towards Phil. Levi is hovering behind him, his face pale as his eyes go between Dan and Amelia.

“Dan,” Phil says, his voice tight.

Dan doesn’t need any more encouraging. He all but collapses into Phil’s arms, the tears he hadn’t allowed himself to shed pouring from his eyes in waves. Phil makes a choked sort of noise as he wraps his arms around Dan’s shoulders in a tight embrace. “Shh, Dan, it’s okay. He’s gonna be okay.” And Phil can’t know that, not really. Dan appreciates the sentiment, but his crying only subsides enough to give way to hiccups.

“He- it was like he couldn’t…” Dan swallows hard, pressing his wet face against Phil’s neck. “He couldn’t breathe, and I had no idea what to do and-”

“Breathe, Dan. Slow down,” Phil instructs, pulling away to force eye contact. “You’re going to work yourself into a panic attack. Just slow down, yeah?”

Dan nods, taking rattling breath after breath, trying to calm himself down. Phil’s hands come up to cup Dan’s neck, his thumb swiping up to his jaw in soothing motions. The staring should make Dan uncomfortable, probably, with how intense it is, but he doesn’t look away. Somehow it has the opposite effect for once, and staring into those eyes that he loves so much, he actually manages to calm down, if only slightly.

“There we go,” Phil says, voice incredibly soft. “You okay?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Dan rasps out. He remembers then, that they’ve got company, and he forces himself to pull away. He pretends he doesn’t see the hurt on Phil’s face. “Did Phil tell you what happened, Levi?” Dan asks, moving to sit back down. He tugs Phil’s sleeve as he goes, a very obvious instruction for him to stay as close to Dan as possible.

Levi looks almost as panicked as Dan feels, but he sits on his other side, shrugging at the question. Levi watches Amelia crawl onto Phil’s lap before he answers. “He told me you were taking him to A&E because you thought he was having an asthma attack,” Levi says slowly.

Dan nods. He wants to spare him the details, so he chooses his words carefully. “They were playing and Amelia ran over to tell me something was wrong, and when I got over there he was having trouble breathing. I… I’m not really sure what could have caused it.” The admission is bitter on his tongue.

Levi looks down at his shoes. “Where were you? Why weren’t you watching them?” He snaps, his voice quiet.

Dan’s breath catches.

“Levi,” Phil says in a warning tone.

“If you were watching them it might not have happened,” Levi all but hisses, his voice breaking twice before he spits the words out.

“That’s enough,” Phil says, his voice harder than Dan’s ever heard in his conversations with the children. Levi looks up in surprise. Phil’s face is stony, not batting an eye as he stares at the teenager. “That doesn’t help your brother, Levi. Dan didn’t make him have an asthma attack, so we’re not going to assign blame here, okay?”

Levi’s gaze flits back and forth between the two of them before his whole body seems to deflate and he nods tiredly. “Okay,” he murmurs, looking down at his shoes once more. He peeks up at Dan, shrugging one shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dan,” he says quietly.

Dan can only offer a shaky smile. “It’s okay,” he replies automatically. He reminds himself that Levi can’t help how he reacted to the news, and that placing blame is a reasonable reaction for someone of his age, especially in this situation. He reminds himself of this two or three times to be sure, so that he doesn’t accidentally do something stupid, like cry in front of him.

Phil’s hand suddenly drops to his knee, squeezing gently, startling Dan out of his thoughts. “I’m going to go ask the receptionist what sort of papers we need to fill out. Would you call Hazel and tell her about all this? I’m assuming this is the kind of thing caseworkers need to know.”

Dan nods. “Yeah, course,” he agrees, going to dig his phone out of his pocket. Phil offers a little smile, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Dan’s temple. Dan watches him stand, Amelia tagging along with him for the walk over to the receptionist desk.

He’s just about to hit call on Hazel’s name when Levi nudges his arm with his elbow. Dan glances at him with a curious look. Levi substitutes eye contact for gazing out the window past Dan’s head, swallowing hard before he speaks. “I really am sorry,” he says quickly, like he hates the words. “I’m just… I guess I’m scared.”

Dan’s heart melts a little. “I know. I am too, Levi,” he reminds gently.

Levi glances right at him then, and Dan notices the glassiness of his eyes. Oh. “I… I can’t let anything happen to them,” he whispers, dropping his gaze.

Risking an affectionate gesture, Dan reaches out, patting Levi’s back gently. He’s shocked when the precariously put-together expression on Levi’s face crumbles suddenly, an ocean of tears falling from his eyes. “Levi…” Dan says softly, trying his best to navigate the correct way to be comforting in this situation.

It turns out he doesn’t have to wonder for long. Levi does the previously unthinkable, leaning forward and dropping his forehead against Dan’s shoulder as he sobs and allows himself to be hugged. Dan can’t help but cry a little as well, and that’s how Phil finds them a few minutes later. There’s a surprise on his face that Dan feels in his heart, but it morphs into something like relieved affection when Levi begins to control his breathing a little.

“It’s alright, bubby. Jai’s gonna be fine, yeah? Everyone’s fine,” Dan says soothingly, rubbing Levi’s shoulder gently.

Phil and Amelia quietly move to sit on Dan’s other side like before, but Levi must notice their presence, because he stiffens suddenly, pulling away slowly and wiping at his eyes. Dan offers him a sympathetic smile. “Sorry,” Levi mumbles, rubbing harshly at his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater. He gestures at his face vaguely with a shrug. “I don’t usually…”

Dan shakes his head. “You don’t have to be sorry, Levi. Everyone cries. I cry all the time, just ask Phil.”

Phil pets Dan’s hair. “It’s true,” he says, voice light and amused.

Levi offers a weak smile before looking back at his shoes. “Er… thanks, I guess.”

Dan feels his heart swell. “Of course,” he says gently. He feels a nudge against his elbow and he turns to look at Phil, who’s got a curious look on his face.

“Did you ring Hazel?” He asks.

Sheepishly, Dan picks up his phone, still hovering over her contact info when he unlocks it. “I’ll do that,” he says with a nod. Phil smiles at him gratefully, shifting a sleepy-looking Amelia on his lap as Dan focuses on what to say to Hazel when she answers.

The phone call doesn’t last long, much to Dan’s surprise. He explains briefly what happened and she tells him she’ll meet them there within an hour. She doesn’t ask many questions, and before she ends the call she thanks him for ringing her to inform her about it. Dan’s just repeating their conversation back to Phil when he hears his name called from the door where Jaiden disappeared through earlier.

“That’s me,” Dan says, standing and making his way over to her.

“You’re Jaiden Young’s father, right?” She asks, checking the clipboard in her hand.

Dan nods, trying not to fidget nervously. “His foster father, yes.”

She smiles at him. She seems kind, he thinks absently. “He’s stable now, so you’re welcome back to see him if you’d like.”

“Perfect!” Dan says, unable to mask his excitement. He turns to find Phil hovering a few feet away, like he feels awkward about being near Dan. “We can see him,” he says, voice washed with relief.

Phil’s just about to speak when the nurse interrupts. “It’s immediate family only, actually,” she says, her tone apologetic.

Dan blinks at her. Before he has a chance to speak, Phil snorts. “Well, he’s my fiance. I think that’s about as immediate as it gets.” The nurse looks a little abashed, and Dan can’t help but smirk a little. “Can we see our son now?”

She doesn’t argue, nodding quickly and gesturing to the doors. Dan glances over to the seats where Levi and Amelia are sitting, watching them with wide, impatient looks. “Those are his siblings, may they come back as well?” Dan asks, overly polite on purpose.

The nurse glances at them and nods. “It’ll have to be a quick visit before we move him to a different room.”

Dan and Phil share a glance and wordlessly, Phil heads over to the kids to bring them along, while Dan focuses on that bit of information. “Does that mean he has to stay?”

She looks apologetic. “Just for a few hours. The doctor wants to monitor his levels for a while to make sure this was an isolated incident.”

“Does that mean you think it’ll happen again?” Dan asks, panicking once more.

“No, not necessarily,” She’s quick to reassure him. “But because of how intense the attack was, we wanted to make sure there aren’t any underlying causes. We’ll need to know a bit more about his medical history, if you can provide it, so we know if this is a rare occurrence or not.”

Dan’s about to say something about how little they know about the children’s medical history prior to them moving in, but then Phil is there with Levi and Amelia, who are more than ready to see their brother. He offers Phil a small smile, reaching out to squeeze his hand briefly as the nurse begins leading them through the doors and down a brightly-lit corridor.

They’ve nearly reached the end of the corridor when the nurse stops and opens a door. “Jaiden, there’s someone here to see you,” she says in a gentle voice, stepping back and allowing them to walk inside. Dan makes sure to send her a grateful smile as he steps past her, his eyes immediately darting to scan his child for injuries. Despite the fact he wasn’t visibly injured when Dan brought him in, it feels like centuries have passed since then, and Dan’s already expecting the worst.

He worries for nothing, though. Jaiden looks much better than he had earlier, although he does look rather exhausted, even as his eyes light up at seeing them. “Daddy!” he calls, reaching his arms out for them.

Dan can’t stop the sniffling noise he makes, but he tries to laugh it off, blinking the dampness from his eyes as he goes to sit on the edge of the bed and pull the child into a hug. “Hi, bubby. I was so worried about you.”

Jaiden nuzzles into his chest. Dan melts. “Sorry, Daddy,” he says sweetly.

“You don’t have to apologize, Jai. It’s not your fault,” Dan says as he gently strokes a hand over Jaiden’s hair. He glances over to see Phil standing there watching them, a relieved smile on his face. Dan reaches out without a second thought, tugging on Phil’s sleeve.

Phil moves closer, grasping one of Jaiden’s hands and giving him a grin. “You gave us a real scare, little man,” he says, his voice teasing. “You know that little boys in hospital get a toy, right?”

Jaiden shrugs sheepishly. “Well… Now that you mention it…” He trails off, and everyone in the room shares a laugh.

Dan glances behind them, waving Levi and Amelia closer to the bed. “Come here, guys. Jaiden’s fine.”

“Hey, Jai,” Levi says softly as he steps closer. Jaiden reaches for him, So Phil and Dan both make some room for Levi and Amelia to have a moment with him. Amelia climbs right up next to him and starts asking him questions about what kind of toy he wants to get, completely forgetting anything concerning the injury that brought him here in the first place. Dan’s relieved and also mortified at that.

The nurse doesn’t let them stay for long. After less than ten minutes, she’s back and ushering them out, saying that Jaiden is about to be moved to a different room. The look of panic that flashes on Jaiden’s face breaks Dan’s heart all over again, but he forces himself to wave and smile brightly. “You’ll be alright, buddy. We’ll be with you as soon as they get you situated, yeah?” Jaiden manages a nod at this, and then the nurse is shooing them out, back to the waiting room.

~~~

They’re just walking back through the doors into the waiting room while they wait for Jaiden to be transferred to a new room when Dan’s gaze catches on a familiar face. He shares a look with Phil, who seems to get the message immediately.

“Hey, guys, why don’t we go see if there’s a snack machine somewhere, yeah?” Phil says, gently guiding them in the opposite direction.

Levi gives Dan a funny look, while Amelia remains distracted by the prospect of food. Dan offers a reassuring smile before making his way towards Hazel, who’s stood at the receptionist desk writing down information on a clipboard.

“Hazel, hi,” Dan greets, giving an awkward wave.

She glances up at him and smiles brightly. “Daniel! Lovely to see you again, although I’m sure we both wish it were under different circumstances.”

Dan nods, scratching at his collarbone nervously. “Yeah. We weren’t really sure what protocol was for something like this... Thank you for taking the time to stop by.”

Hazel waves her hand with a huff of laughter. “It’s no trouble. I knew there’d be information you two wouldn’t have and a check up was coming up anyway.”

Nodding again, Dan glances over at Phil and the kids, his throat tightening at the thought of how much worse this day could have been. “I’m just really happy he’s okay,” he says quietly.

Hazel gives him a sympathetic sort of smile. “You know...” she starts, slowly and carefully. “The children are technically wards of court.”

Dan’s neck nearly snaps when he glances up at her. “What?”

She does that sympathetic thing again, this time accompanied by a slow nod. “Well… Due to the… special circumstances of their case, the judge ordered a special hearing and came to a decision about the status of their case early.” She takes a deep breath. “Their parents’ rights have been terminated. So technically... with the right paperwork... you and Phil could file for legal guardianship.”

Dan blinks. His brain is still stuck on the idea that their biological parents now legally have no rights to see them, but then he registers the last thing she’d said. “So, like... adoption?” His voice pitches up nervously at the end.

She nods, glancing down at the form she’s abandoned and writing a few more notes before handing it back to the nurse. “Exactly. You don’t have to, of course, but that just means the agenda changes from trying to keep them in foster care to finding a family to adopt them.”

Dan feels sick. “We... I don’t know if Phil...” he shakes his head, trying desperately to knock his brain cells into each other to produce a thought. “Why were their parents’ rights terminated?” He asks finally.

For the first time since they started speaking, Hazel frowns, looking away briefly. “I actually think that might be something we discuss with Phil,” she says quietly.

Dan’s heart is in his throat as he makes his way over to Phil and the kids, who’ve evidently found a snack machine, as they’re currently feasting on several things Dan will reprimand Phil for later. “Hey, could you come here a second?” He says to Phil, tugging his sleeves down over his hands.

Phil glances between him and Hazel in confusion before slowly nodding. “I’ll be right back, guys. Levi, protect Jaiden’s candy bar, okay?”

Levi nods, tucking it into his jacket pocket and sticking his tongue out at Amelia when she pouts. He doesn’t seem to be concerned about whatever’s going on, and Dan allows himself to feel relieved that they won’t have to worry the teen about yet another thing. Dan leads the way back over to where Hazel’s waiting, trying to control his breathing before he starts crying. Phil, ever observant, slides his hand into Dan’s, squeezing three short times. Dan breathes a little easier.

“Phil, it’s good to see you again,” Hazel says, her voice dropped into something less exciting and more resigned. Dan’s heart does another squeeze, already ready for the worst.

“You too, Hazel,” Phil says, smiling at her. He squeezes Dan’s hand once more. “So...” he trails off, clearly implying that she should explain herself.

She nods. “So, like I told Dan, the children’s parents have had their rights terminated.” She pauses, as if she’s allowing him a moment to process it. Phil’s a smart man, though, so he just nods for her to continue, his face not giving away a single thought going through his head. “There’s a few options now. We can move the children to another temporary foster home while we look for a permanent adoptive family, or they can stay with you while we conduct the interviews for a potential family.”

Phil nods. He doesn’t even look at Dan as he asks, “Is there another option?”

She looks pleased. “You two can petition for legal guardianship.”

Phil has the same clarifying moment Dan had. “We can adopt them?” The hope in his voice nearly buckles Dan’s knees. The idea of this being permanent is something he can’t compartmentalize right now.

Hazel nods. “You could, yes.”

Before Phil can say anything else that makes Dan’s heart hurt, he interrupts. “You said something about why their parents’ rights were terminated. I want to know more about that,” he reminds her, trying to keep his voice quiet but firm.

Her face drops back into something sad and uncomfortable. “Right,” she says with a nod. She glances at the children, probably to make sure they can’t hear, then turns slightly so their conversation remains more private. “They had a very... a very difficult home life. I know there weren’t a lot of details given at the time, because there was still some investigation going on, but the very short version is they were being neglected and abused.”

Dan’s heart stops. He’s sure of it. Phil, probably unthinkingly, tightens his grip on Dan’s hand. “In what way?” Phil says, his voice almost eerily calm.

Hazel hesitates, clearly debating on what to say. “Well...” she starts slowly. “First of all, Levi doesn’t share the same father as the twins. His biological father is deceased, and he knows that the man who raised him wasn’t his real dad.”

Dan’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Then why do they have the same surname?”

She cringes at the question. “Well, according to what their mother said, his bio father didn’t want anything to do with him and asked that he be left off the birth certificate. Her husband was just her boyfriend at the time, but he signed it instead.”

Dan looks away, his eyes misting. His heart aches with the thought that Levi has had nothing but shitty people who didn’t want him from the beginning. Those children deserved the world, but from the sounds of it, evidently their biological parents didn’t believe so.

“And after that?” Phil asks. “When did the abuse happen?” He sounds mad to Dan’s trained ear, but he knows Hazel will probably just read that as concern.

“Their mother had some issues, an addiction to prescription meds was one of them. She didn’t really...” she pauses, glancing between the two of them like she’s worried they can’t handle it. Dan blinks at her. “Their mother wasn’t really present, even when she was there with them. And apparently the father was a bit of a drinker, and violent. You can piece together about how that went.”

Dan can’t stop the tears, and he tries to pull away from Phil to take a moment, but Phil grabs his sleeve and tugs him in for a hug. He’s probably craving the comfort just as much as giving it, but Dan allows it. “And was it just all the time? He just beat them, all the time?” Phil asks, his voice shaking.

Hazel shakes her head. “No, no. The report says it didn’t get very bad until about two years ago, when the dad lost his job. Levi... well, Levi started getting into fights a lot at school and eventually when they got him to a counselor he admitted that their father was beating him.”

Dan catches on the last sentence, the last word. “Him?” He reiterates. “He was just hitting Levi?”

She looks uncomfortable, but nods. “Levi apparently told the counselor that he hid the kids in the closet or somewhere so he couldn’t get to them, but he ended up putting himself in danger when he did that.” She pauses, but Dan can tell there’s more. “He also told her he was trying to get into fights to cover up the fact that he was showing up to school with fresh bruises every day.”

Dan swears, hiding his face against Phil’s shoulder as he lets out a shuddering breath. “I can’t believe...” he cuts himself off with a sob. Phil’s arms tighten around his shoulders, and he hears the quiet sound of Phil apologizing half-heartedly to Hazel.

“Shh, Dan. It’s... they’re safe now. Yeah? They’re safe.” Phil’s voice is quiet and calm in his ear, and for the second time today, the sound of it is enough to calm Dan out of a panic attack.

Slightly embarrassed, Dan pulls away, wiping at his face with his sleeve in a disgusting manner. “Thank you for telling us the truth, Hazel,” he says to her, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

She nods, looking more apologetic and guilty than he’s ever seen her. “I hated that we couldn’t tell you at the beginning, but there was a lot we didn’t know, and until the investigation was finished there was only so much information we could share.”

“I understand,” Dan says, even though he thinks he doesn’t, not really. “Thank you for telling us now.”

“How long do we have to think about adoption?” Phil asks out of nowhere, almost as if he’s been in a daze for the past few minutes.

Hazel glances between the two of them before shrugging. “Well we can give you a few weeks before we start actively looking for new adoptive parents, and we’ll let you know when that process starts so you have until then really to make your decision.”

Phil nods. He doesn’t look at Dan, instead shaking Hazel’s hand to say goodbye. “Thank you, Hazel. We really appreciate, well, everything.”

She smiles at him, and it looks much more relaxed. “Of course, anytime you need me, just call.” She glances at Dan, who can only offer her a weak smile. “I do try to remain unbiased, but it’s very inspiring to see how much you two genuinely care for these children. I think you’d make the perfect family for them, if that’s what you decide.” With another smile and a squeeze of Dan’s arm, she’s gone, leaving them standing there alone to process her words.

“So-“ Phil starts, pulling his arm away from Dan slowly.

“I can’t- not yet, okay?” Dan interrupts, a little panicked at the idea of making any decisions right now. “I think we should talk about it at home.”

Phil studies him for a moment before nodding, leaning in and kissing Dan’s forehead. “Sure, love. We’ll talk later.”

Dan doesn’t bother hiding his relief as they make their way back over to where they’d left Levi and Amelia. His head is swimming with thoughts and he’s finding it hard to swim in all of it after the day he’s had. But with the most important people in his life watching, he forces himself to play the part of someone calm, cool, and relaxed.

~~~

When they finally move Jaiden to a room upstairs, Dan’s nerves manage to settle, if only a little bit. There’s something comforting in knowing that there are doctors and nurses around in case something does happen, and he’s more than relieved when a doctor comes to speak to them, informing them that everything is okay and they’ve confirmed Jaiden does in fact have asthma. Dan manages to stop his nervous pacing long enough to ask them if that means he needs an inhaler. The doctor smiles a little sadly, but nods.

“He’ll more than likely need at least an emergency inhaler with him from now on,” they say, nodding. “But, we do need to run some more tests to make sure we give him the correct kind, and to make sure there’s no scarring on his lungs or anything like that.”

Dan nods, sharing a look with Phil, who’s sat on the bed beside Jaiden. “Alright, thank you.”

The doctor smiles, giving Jaiden a high five. “You’re a brave little man,” they tell him, making Jaiden grin proudly. “Gave your dads a bit of a scare there, but we’ve got you all patched up, buddy,” they continue, grinning at Dan and Phil before stepping towards the door. “A nurse will be in shortly to take his vitals and blood for the tests we need to run. It shouldn’t take too long.”

Phil smiles and nods at them. “Right, thank you again. We really appreciate it.”

They nod, and with another smile at Jaiden they’re gone, back off down the corridor to treat someone else. Dan’s still trying to wrap his head around how they went this long without finding out about Jaiden’s asthma, but he’s distracted when he hears Levi asking a question.

“Can Mia and I go find the gift shop?” He asks, his voice hopeful.

Phil smiles at them, glancing at Dan before answering. When Dan gives a conceding shrug, Phil nods. “Sure, just stay together and try not to stay too long.” He pulls his wallet out then, handing Levi his credit card without blinking. “Just sign my name if they ask for a signature,” he says.

Levi looks shocked, glancing between Phil and the card, and then at Dan, as if it’s some sort of joke. Dan simply smiles and shrugs, so Levi nods, reaching out for Amelia’s hand and making their way out of the room. Dan looks over at Phil, quirking an eyebrow. Phil quirks one right back. “Watch them come back with literally the biggest stuffed bear in the world,” Dan says, rolling his eyes.

Phil shrugs with a vague smile. “It’s out of the goodness of their hearts, Dan,” Phil says, biting his full bottom lip to hide his smile.

Dan crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s out of your pocket, bub,” he retorts, mostly playful. He really didn’t think Levi would overspend that much.

Jaiden giggles. “I’d like a big stuffed bear, I think,” Jaiden offers, voice hopeful.

“I reckon you deserve a stuffed bear after today, huh?” Phil speaks softly, brushing the dark hair out of Jaiden’s eyes. Jaiden smiles a little sheepishly, but nods. Phil glances at Dan with a little smile.

Dan’s heart hurts. He steps over towards them, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Jaiden’s head. “We’re so glad you’re alright, Jai-bird,” he says softly.

Jaiden smiles up at him. “I’m fine, Daddy. Just tired. And a little bit hungry,” he confesses.

Dan and Phil share a laugh at that. It’s so very characteristic of him to say something like that, even after the day he’s had. Dan ruffles his hair softly. “I promise we’ll get you some food as soon as we leave here, yeah?”

“Burgers?” Jaiden asks, his voice hopeful.

Phil tugs on one of Dan’s belt loops, his eyes wide and excited when Dan looks at him. “I wouldn’t mind a burger either, Dan,” he says, his voice sweet.

Rolling his eyes, Dan makes a big show of sighing loudly. “Alright, alright. Burgers it is.”

“Thank you, bear.” Phil looks exceptionally pleased as he tugs Dan closer, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist in a loose hug. Dan’s arms automatically go around Phil’s neck, and he has the burning desire to press kisses to the blank canvas of his pale forehead. He doesn’t fully reign in that desire, but he satisfies it by dropping a kiss just above his left brow bone.

Turning to look at Jaiden, Dan makes an exasperated noise, shaking his head. “You’re both spoiled, you know,” he teases.

Phil makes a noise of protest, pulling away to pout up at Dan. “Am not,” he denies.

Dan tugs on a lock of hair right above his fingers. Phil cringes, but his lips quirk up in a smile. “Yes you are. Milkshakes at midnight, pizza almost every week, sneaking marshmallows, stealing-“

Phil presses his hand over Dan’s mouth. “If you say one word about the cereal, I swear-“

His threat is cut off by a yelp as Phil yanks his hand away. Dan grins.

“Dan,” Phil whines, wiping his wet hand on Dan’s sweater. “That’s disgusting.”

Dan pulls out of his grip, smirking. Jaiden giggles hysterically from where he’s laying on the bed, and Dan shares a smile with him. “That’s what you get, Phil. That’s a very important lesson for you to learn.”

Phil’s nose crinkles. “I can’t believe you licked my hand.”

A mischievous glint is in Dan’s eyes as he brings a hand up to pet Phil’s hair, a feigned sense of comfort in the motion. Phil leans into the touch, and Dan grins before quickly leaning in and licking a short stripe up the center of his forehead.

Jaiden is practically howling with laughter as Phil shoves Dan away, spluttering loudly and obnoxiously. “Daniel!” He screeches.

“Shh,” Dan warns through his own giggles. “Phil, be quiet, we’re in hospital,” he reprimands.

Phil shoots him a dirty look, crossing his arms in a pout.

Before he can counter with anything else, the door to Jaiden’s room swings open, causing the three of them to immediately go quiet, reigning in their horrible behavior in fear of a nurse coming to reprimand them, for sure. Dan feels like a child again.

They have no real reason for that fear, though, because Levi steps inside, looking at them with a suspicious look in his eyes. “What are you guys doing?” He asks, sounding concerned.

Dan bites his lip to stifle a laugh, glancing at Phil pointedly. Phil at least as the sense to look mildly embarrassed, shrugging sheepishly. “Er- Dan is being mean?” His words lilt up like a question, erasing any credibility his words might have had.

Levi glances at Dan, clearly confused. Dan shrugs. “I licked his hand.”

“You licked my forehead,” Phil adds, unnecessarily. He tugs at Dan’s shirt, and Dan bats his hand away weakly.

“Details, details,” he says dismissively. He grins at Levi, his eyes darting to Amelia to see what they got. “Wow. Is that for you or your brother?” Dan asks on a laugh.

Amelia looks sheepish as she moves towards the bed with the rather large stuffed toy. “Levi said I had to give it to Jai, ‘cause I’m not the one who got hurt.”

Dan nods, hiding a smile. “Well I’m sure Jaiden appreciates that, right bub?”

Jaiden’s grabbing for the plushy, his eyes bright and excited. “It’s so cool!” He says, his voice awed as she climbs onto the bed beside him, handing over the dinosaur toy. “Thanks,” he says, barely glancing at her.

Dan’s knee-jerk reaction to correct him into a more polite response is right there, but a light pinch to his waist redirects his attention. Phil’s giving him a look, almost like he’d read his mind. Dan stays quiet.

“Levi, my card?” Phil says, turning his head to look over at the teenager.

Levi looks confused for a moment, but when he remembers he looks vaguely embarrassed, digging into his front pocket. He produces the card, a receipt wrapped around it. Handing it over, he brushes his hair out of his eyes before mumbling quickly, “I just forgot. I wasn’t trying to steal it.”

Phil gives him a funny look. “I know that. I know you wouldn’t.” His voice is gentle and reassuring, but Levi doesn’t meet his eyes. “Were you okay using it?” He asks.

Levi nods, his eyes drifting. “It’s just, like. I haven’t really been allowed to spend money and stuff since before the group home.” He looks between Dan and the floor then, like he’s trying not to have this conversation with Phil there.

Before Dan can unpack that or say anything, Phil speaks, his fingers tapping out a rhythm against Dan’s thigh. “Would you like to have an allowance, Levi?”

The teenager looks surprised, glancing at Phil for real this time. “I- that’s not- I wasn’t like, asking for one, I just meant-“

“I know,” Phil rushes to reassure him. “I’m just asking you if you’d like one. You need to learn about how to budget and handle money anyway, and we’d be happy to get you a card for you to use.”

Levi looks shocked. “Er...” his eyes flicker to Dan, who only offers an encouraging smile. “Sure. Yeah, I’d... I’d really like that. Thanks.”

Phil smiles, an easy shrug on his shoulders. “Of course. Me or Dan will request a card and account sometime this week, yeah?”

Levi nods, moving to sit in the chair on the opposite side of Jaiden’s bed. He begins talking to the twins, and Dan sighs, focusing on Phil, who’s looking up at him with a pinched sort of expression. Dan loops his arms around his neck, tilting his head in a silent question. Phil only shakes his head, so Dan takes a moment to make sure the kids’ voices will drown him out before he leans in to whisper in Phil’s ear. “You okay?”

Phil nods, patting Dan’s hip, a little bit closer to his bum than he’d been before. Dan refuses to think about that. “Yeah. Sorry that I, like, did that without your permission.”

And that sort of makes Dan feel like an asshole. He tries to repress it, but Phil’s tone, and the words themselves, bring back very unwanted flashbacks of previous disagreements they’ve had over the course of fostering the kids. He cups a hand around the back of Phil’s neck, squeezing gently before leaning in and kissing his forehead.

“I’m not mad. I think it’s a great idea. I’ll check into making him an account Monday.” He kisses Phil’s temple this time, just for good measure. Phil smiles up at him. He doesn’t ask before tilting forward, leaving the tiniest of soft kisses on Dan’s lips. Dan’s heart flutters in the least platonic way there is, feeling on all accounts like a lovesick teenager.

~~~

((If you skipped the TW scene with Hazel: essentially, all you need to know is that the children are now wards of state, meaning their parents' rights have been terminated, and they could now (theoretically) be adopted. Thank you for reading!))

[reality-exodus]

Episode 7 1/2 pt.2

"For Duskwood?" The driver asked through the speakers and I shot up looking around "Yes... wait a moment please." I spoke up as the loud sound of the speaker woke me up from the abstracted oblivion I had sank into during the route of the bus. The bus stopped, it didn't go to Duskwood it left me in the outskirts. I took a deep breath and disembarked the vehicle. It was high time I met my, for so long, pen friends. It had been a week since Richy's early passing, I haven't been able to talk to anyone but Jake, who was filling in the group for my progress via Lilly. I didn't talk again about this subject to anyone.

I got out of the bus and my gaze fell on the magnificent forest of Duskwood. It indeed looked scary... and dark. I hadn't realized that I was staring at it insistingly until I heard a horn and shot my head to that direction to notice two familiar faces with beard. I smiled at the vision of them expecting me on the road and started walking towards where the car was. Dan got out of the car and he raised his arms up as I was approaching with my suitcase.

"M/C" He sighed and pulled me in a hug, I let out a soft chuckle and hugged him back rubbing his back. He was taller than me, nothing compared to how he was as when we first talked to each other.

"Hello Dan" I let out a sigh of relief as we both tightened the hug for some moments. "How are you?" I asked him as we broke the hug and looked at each other. Things were sort of awkward, it was normal and it didn't bother me.

"We are doing the best we can... Hopefully you will upbeat Jessy a bit. But we will have time for that" Dan sighed and picked up my suitcase and I got in the backseat.

"Hello" I greeted Thomas as he turned and looked at me from the rearview mirror.

"Hey there..." I sighed and smiled awkwardly as Dan shut the door of the car, getting in.

"So how was your trip?" Dan asked me as I put on the utility belt. You never know what happens.

"Tiring... dull." I exhaled once again taking out my phone as I felt it vibrate and blushed a bit as I saw Jake's contact popping up on my screen. "It's Jake ..." I sighed and looked at them.

The boys looked at each other and sighed. "I really do want to talk to him..." Dan huffed looking at me with the corner of his eye. In the past he told me times galore to not trust the hacker... But well who knew I fell in love with him.

I took a deep breath and slid my finger upon the screen. "Hey..." I smiled blushed looking at the camera. "Hello M/C. Are you alright?" Jake was heard, he still had the voice altering application.

"Yeah... I am with Dan and Thomas actually. They just picked me up from the bus... They are here actually." I spoke to him and there was some silence.

"Hey Hacker!" Dan exclaimed loudly to be heard.

"Daniel, Thomas" Jake was heard.

"How are you doin?" Dan asked at the same tone.

"I am good. Still working on Hannah with M/C..." Jake spoke up.

"Good... Now if you'll excuse us we are busy." Dan said rudely.

"Dan!" I exclaimed annoyed frowning at him.

"Do not worry M/C. Text me when you are available..." Jake said and finished the call before I could even say goodbye.

"Good one Dan" Thomas huffed as his expressionless face was fixed on the road.

"Yea Dan, way to go" I deadpanned as I took out my headphones in order to listen to some music.

"Don't let his ass drag you down. Here connect your phone to the car." Thomas offered trying to repair the atmosphere Dan ruined.

"Oh Thanks... I appreciate" I smiled a bit to Thomas' intention and connected my phone to his car radio and put on my music. "You are probably the rap sort of guys or Metal or Rock. Billie Eillish and Bishop Briggs won't be your type of music..." I commented.

"Well You are not worse than Jessy... she listens to Justin Bieber." Dan laughed as 'Good girls go to hell' started being heard.

The way was long and Thomas said we were going on Phil's place where both me and Jessy would stay. I had fallen asleep on the backseat. I was extremely tired from my trip and the boys closed the music to keep me sleeping as Dan said I was even snoring.

"M/C" Thomas extended his hand and shook me as I ended up laying across the seat. "Wake up, we are here." He said smoothly and I blinked my eyes open sitting up. I fixed my dress and got out of the car as we moved in the block of flats with Thomas who was helping me with my bags. Dan did not do well with Phil so Thomas would show and help me upstairs.

I knocked the door as Thomas was leaving, he waved at me as Jessy opened the door. I took a deep breath at the footsteps I heard and the door opened soon and I faced a redhead girl, she was pale, and her hazel eyes were red and swollen from the grieve and the tears. I knew it was Jessy, I could recognize her despite the blues that worn upon her petite figure. She was shorter than me but with elegant curves. She was more beautiful in real.

"Excuse you my brother is not here." Jessy spoke with a huff, her shaking voice sounded angry.

"Thank god then..."I replied "I wouldn't be that fond of his arrogance right now." I added with a sigh.

"Oh my gosh M/C" she exclaimed and hugged and I responded rubbing her back. I expected the hug and I really liked it too."Its so good to finally meet you Jess" I sighed as I placed my chin on her shoulder as she is shorter than me.

"Me too." She sniffed. "You must be tired come on in" Jessy dragged in my suitcase and closed the door behind us.

"Indeed I am, I even fell asleep at the car on our way here..." I sighed. "I am going to make something for you to eat, you change and pick a movie and I'll get the pizza, no mushrooms extra tomato sauce." Jessy said and I smiled brightly at her as I moved to the bathroom and put on my pajamas and crushed back at the couch we were sitting before. "I am ready with a film." I spoke as I set up the TV with my laptop. "What movie?" Jess was heard. "V for Vendetta" I said with a smile as I texted good night to Jake. "You can't be serious?" Jessy let out a small laugh as she poked her head to look at me. "No really that's the movie we are watching." I nodded gazing at her innocently. "Is this some sort of type you have?" she asked as she sat next to me placing the pizza and the wine on the coffee table and covered both of us with the blanket. "Is this a Jake reference?" I asked and blushed as I took the glass of red wine. "You are really smart aren't you?" she giggled and I sighed in relief as she seemed to be forgetting reality, with Richy.

I've been thinking about all day long. What he said, he heard a scream calling his name specifically, and then he recognized Hannah's voice. And then the his wide eyes staring right at me as his last breath was abandoning him. I haven't told anyone, not even Jake. The only thing I want is to find Hannah in one piece. I don't have anyone to worry or miss me... Atleast not someone who knows me. And things with Jake are really blurry but he simply denies to say anything or give me a hope...

I fell asleep on Jessy's lap during the film and I felt her stroking my hair, cover me better with the blanket and then leaving. I didn't pay much attention I was too tired for it so I let sleep take the best of me.

-

I shot my eyes open at the sound of cricking that came from the main entrance. I didn't move an inch from my position in fear... The man without a face? The governmental pursuers of Jake? I sincerely do not know which is worse. I surveyed the dark living room at Phil's place, seeking for something, an object, that I could defend myself with. I caught a glimpse of the wine bottle me and Jessy drank earlier. I extended my hand and grasped it as I fell off the couch and crawled to the hall standing by as a figure with a long coat stepped in and looked around.

I lost no time and brought with force the bottle to his head as he let out a gasp and turned around. It was too dark for me to see any features upon his face I made a move to punch him in my effort to prevent him from doing what ever he was to do to me and Jess. He grabbed my wrist and turn me around stretching my hand to my back and pinning me to the wall as he leaned his face to my face and

"My sister usually has less violent friends M/C" I heard him whisper as he breathed down my neck and stroked my waist.

"Phil Hawkins" I breath out in relief and let loose.

"In flesh" He chuckled and let go of me still holding my hand. "And you are M/C..." He spoke in realization and switched the light on and looked at me.

"Are you alright?" I asked feeling embarrassed as I was trying to calm down.

"I am but you will have to pay me back for the hospitality and my destroyed hair." Phil had a smirk upon his lips as his eyes were upon me.

"Oh of course" I nodded recovering from the embarrassment from before. "What can I do for you?" I asked politely.

"Oh many things. But how about I take you out for a drink. You can see me on duty too." Phil smiled softly.

"Sure I could ask the rest to come too." I smiled politely making an effort to avoid him.

"I was hoping for something more private but whatever makes you feel better." Phil spoke and stroked my waist discreetly and I pulled myself to drink some water.

"Um I should go and sleep, Jessy will wake me up in a few hours for... for the funeral." I stuttered and sat down "Good night Phil." I spoke and covered myself with Jessy's pink blanket.

"I would be better with you cutie but Good night" Phil waved and winked at me vanishing in the corridor.

I laid back down and closing my eyes praying that sleep will come after this scare. But it didn't so I reach for my phone

'Jake? Are you awake?'

'M/C everything alright?'

'Yes, I mean, I was sleeping Phil walked in his house and I got scared and attacked him... I am still edgy'

'I assure you are safe. Are you alright now?'

'Yea I shooed Phil to sleep and laid back down. Can you imagine I slipped away only with a cocktail date at aurora's with everyone 😊'

'Well I knew you were smart. Did he tried anything cute?'

I choked on my water as I saw the screen, I liked that he didn't bother being elegant and discreet with the question 'No I put him back in his place.' I said as the smile wouldn't leave my lips any time soon.

'You should sleep, the funeral is in three hours' He texted

'You are right, Sweet dreams Jake' I texted and placed my phone to the coffee table and heard it buzz with his reply, I didn't see it now. I wanted to see it in the morning.

[chandelier-s-notebook]

If anyone wants to be part of a taglist for Assassinate But Nah, feel free to message me/send an ask/or mention it in reblogs.

Taglist: @sleepysnails @causeimfabulous

Ao3 link

----------------------------------------

It’s the last day of school and the boys have moved from their bench in the courtyard to the roof. Tommy might have had to con the key from the janitors, but they love him.

The three of them are just chilling when Tommy asks Tubbo a question. “So when’s your deadline?”

“For what? It’s the last day of school. All my work’s turned in.”

“Killing me,” Tommy states bluntly.

Ranboo drops his fork. “What?”

“What do you mean?”

Tommy smiles. “Don’t play dumb.”

“Tubbo? Killing you?”

“I’m not.”

“Just shove me off this building and get it over with.”

“Can’t. You’d take me down with you, and it’s only three stories so you might survive,” he syas without thinking.

“Hello? Tommy?”

“Shut up Ranboo.”

“But--”

“Shut up Ranboo,” he reiterates. “You’re free to leave.”

“But should I?”

Tubbo’s eyes don’t leave Tommy’s. “Who’s sake do you care about more? ‘Cause if it’s your own, then run.”

“So I was right! There’s a deadline, know there is, what deadline did Schlatt give you to kill me by?”

Tubbo looks away.

Ranboo’s freaking out six feet away from his two best friend having a calm conversation about contracted murder apparently. This was not how he envisioned lunch to go.

“Do you know why Schlatt wants me killed?”

“I stopped asking him ‘why’ after the third guy.”

“Third?”

“Sorry Ranboo?”

“Am I gonna die?”

Tommy’s face goes hard. “Is he?”

“No,” Tubbo’s quick to reply. “Ranboo’s fine.”

“Good.” Now that Tommy knows Ranboo is okay, he goes back to his light tone of voice.

“Should I be hearing this conversation?”

“No.”

“Not at all.”

“Oh okay cool.” Ranboo stress eats another mouthful of spaghetti. “Can I know what’s going on?’Cause it sounds like I shouldn’t leave you two alone.”

Both boys laugh a little.

“We don’t talk about…?”

“Don’t.”

“You know those Wright Family rumors Boob?”

“Yeah?”

“They’re true.”

Ranboo freezes. He’s ticked this boy post-death threat before. “Oh.”

“Toby Maron over here had transgenerational familiar debts to the Jays and was sent to kill me.”

“What?” Ranboo looks at Tubbo. This is just one of Tommy’s edgy jokes right? “Maron? Thought he was Jacobs? Isn’t Captain Maron’s son homeschooled?”

Tubbo doesn’t look at him.

“I’m gonna go.”

“Bye Boob.”

“See you later.”

He quickly packs his big, eyes darting between the two of them. “Don’t kill each other?”

“No promises.”

“I’d have done it by now.”

“Ranboo descends the stairs but swings back for a moment. “I’m not supposed to know this, right?”

“You aren’t.”

“Cover for us in History?”

Ranboo nods mutely.

“When is the deadline?”

“End of summer.”

“You know usually when cops work for the Mafia it’s ‘cause they want money, not they owe it.”

“Shut up.”

“How much?”

“However much you cost I guess.”

“Well shit.”

“I’m never getting out of this.” Tubbo lies down on his back. “Fuck. At least I had this year.”

Tommy throws his legs over the edge of the roof and looks out at the parking lot. “That’s all this is?”

“This job was designed to break me and get me crawling back for a sense of purpose. Of course it is. It was never going to be anything else.”

“You could get out.”

“Right. One, throw you off his building. Two, get into personal debt with Houver’s other Mafia family.”

“Oh come on. Our dads are literally childhood friends. And with my fake dad no less.”

“Because I was aware of that. Besides, none of the Craftsmen came to help us when gramnpa die and we got into this mess.”

Tommy picks at the roof. “Captain Maron didn’t tell dad.”

“So what?” Tubbo sits up. “Being assigned to killing you made him get his pen out of his ass and write a letter to his friend on the wrong side of the law.”

“Something like that.” Tommy turns to Tubbo. “Dad can get you out.”

“Dan Rough?”

Tommy laughs and shoves Tubbo lightly. “Shut up.”

“Hey don’t do that! If I go down you’re coming down with me.”

“We've been over this.” Tommy pushes Tubbo again.”

Tubbo glares.

“Be my friend.”

“I am your friend.”

“No I mean that’s the condition.”

“The condition for what? Buying off my debt?”

“Yep.”

“Being your friend? Tommy have you met your family?”

“And coming over for dinner. Kristen wants another girl around, and Jordan stopped talking to Dan and Phil after he got his promotion; they miss him.”

“Nothing else from us?”

“No not really.”

Tubbo buries his head in his hands. “So they Jays use debt to make me kill people. The Craftsmen want to use the debt to make us dinner?”

“Yep!”

Tubbo opens his mouth before closing it again. He stares at Tommy, trying to read him. “I’m a damn good assassin. That’s gonna cost you more than the debt.”

“Dad’s willing to pay. He’s been negotiating the debt transfer for months.”

Tubbo picks at his food. “I’m too headstrong for this.”

“Wonder where you got that from. Cough cough took six years for your dad top ask for help.”

“Shut up.”

“Be my friend. Without the whole conflicting interests thing.”

“You promises there’s nothing else?”

“Uhm. Oh! If you get trigger longing, ask if Phil has a job before you shop around.”

“Because he owns me?”

“Something like that.” Tommy pulls off the edge. “Are you going to kill me Tubbo?”

“No.”

“Let me help you.”

“Promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“The only thing Lani has to do is go to normal dinners.” He holds up his pinky.

Tommy interlocks it with his own. “Promise.”

Tubbo nods. “Get me out of this fucking hellhole. Please.”

“There’s only a few more hours of school. You’ll live.”

Tubbo gives Tommy a look.

He laughs and offers the boy his hand. “Come on. Let’s go make Ranboo choose between sitting on the side and hiding from us, or sitting in between us.”

“Evil.”

“Are you actually my friend?”

“Yes.”

“Did you befriend me to get closer to Tommy?”

Tubbo nods. “Yes.”

“Were you going to kill me?”

“Nope. That was never on the agenda.”

“Comforting.” Ranboo turns to Tommy. “So are we just keeping him?”

“Yes we’re keeping him!”

“We’re keeping your would be killer?” Ranboo asks incredulously.

Tommy takes Ranboo in. “You aren’t comfortable with that. Okay. That’s fair.”

“Tubbo how do you like Switzerland?”

“It’s nice.”

“Great.” Tommy pulls out his phone to start texting someone.

“You seem perfectly fine with being friends with your assassin for debt,” Tubbo notes

“Part of the business.”

[sinkix]

《What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Nekoma Edition》

Yo-hoo! Here’s another part to this potential(?) series! I hope you enjoy the possible call-outs in some of these lmao. Writers block been kicking my ass recently but I had a lot of fun writing these. Enjoy <3

You can find the Karasuno ver. here 

✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧

Kuroo:

Have a hand fetish and will not say no to choking.

Daddy kink™

Will not accept anything below 6 inches.

More of a dog person but would love to own a black cat.

You drool over tattoos.

Your grades are mostly B’s but you know in your heart you deserve that A, and tbh you probably do. Chase ur goals bby.

Halloween is likely your favourite holiday.

You have to resist not to carve a dick into the pumpkin EvEry GodDAmN YeAr.

You either study for 6 hours consecutively or cannot study at all and you get very frustrated at this.

Have the potential to be a good leader and command the room but probably don’t put it to use as much as you should.

Your playlist parkours from sad 3am crying into your pillow songs to aggressive punk music you could rob a store to.

You like bad boys who hang around bars and look like they would put out a cigarette on your forearm and call you a slut. Just stating facts sweaty xoxo.

Either dress very feminine and girly with a ‘smol girl uwu’ aesthetic or a hardass punk who would kick your ass for a can of beer no in between and tbh both are equally hot.

You’re a big softie at heart either way and just want to be held and told everything will be okay.

Ur a hoe for when people stroke your hair or caress your chin it’s your ultimate weakness.

Watched Rick & Morty.

Twice.

Sleeves rolled up veiny forearms and donning a silver watch are your muse and something you fantasise about frequently.

Most of your memes are shitty top text bottom texts that are somehow funny and I don’t understand why lmao.

You call someone ‘bro’ even if it’s someone you’re immensely attracted to.

Did someone say ties? No it’s just ur dirty ass thoughts thinking about that hot business dudes attire from across the street and how you wish they were tied around ur wrists.

Probably had a crush on Jeff the Killer as a tween and are relentlessly haunted by your old Wattpad library. 

Tbh any dark-haired dude with bedhead that screams rugged and probably not good for you is something that draws you like a moth to a flame.

You often question why every person you’ve fallen for has been a Scorpio and curse that tendency of yours.

Dw man they’re hot so I feel u.

Kenma:

Went through a ‘I’m not like other __’ phase and it’s something that you think about a lot and wish you didn’t.

Watched dan & phil as a kid.

Any mention of Pokemon has you turning into a rabid beast you get way too excited.

It’s cute though dw bby.

Pretty antisocial but interesting to talk to.

Your family often question how you’re able to sleep in till 3pm and judge you heavily for it.

Nocturnal night owl gang rise up.

Frequently have bags under your eyes but somehow manage to pull it off.

Listen to ASMR on the down-low and will never admit it to a single soul.

Frequently go on BL binges and have many related book marks.

You pray that someone will never find your laptop bc holy fuck the amount of smut on that.

You wear scarves & beanies even when it isn’t that cold outside.

100% went through a scene hair phase/attempted to.

You dye your hair a lot or REALLY want to.

You have a voice kink low-key so anyone with a pleasant/soothing sounding voice just gets u goin’.

Cats are your favourite animal and you either do or want to own several.

Would name them after video game/anime characters u fuckin nerd lol.

Speaking of cats ,you fantasise heavily about cat-boys and have a folder dedicated to them.

Oversized hoodies are your vibe and always ball the sleeve hems in your fist as a comfort mechanism.

Shopping centres are your worst nightmare and trigger your claustrophobia or social anxiety and honestly I feel that spiritually.

Have a cute sticky note collection.

You like a lot of music consisting of guitar and slow/soothing beats.

You also fw EDM/ techno on occasions.

Honestly wouldn’t wanna anger you since you have a seething temper when pushed far enough.

It’s the kinda temper that’s eerily quiet but no less terrifying, like the other person can tell you are graphically plotting their demise.

You love sleeping to the sound of rainfall and often play those nature ambience videos while you sleep.

Never tidy your sheets and it’s just a big scrunched up heap of fabric in the centre of your mattress most of the time.

Make your fucking bed.

Lev:

Your ships are chaotic and shamelessly controversial.

Would do something just for the sake of creating mayhem lmao.

You were the fucker who stuck their chewing gum under the desk, I see you.

Your brain never stops whirring it’s a constant hurricane of crackhead energy and you have no idea how to turn it off. 

Would eat a stick of pencil lead for $2

You don’t help your situation with the amount of coffee/energy drinks you consume.

The class clown who cries themselves to sleep.

Such a wholesome dumbass but somehow kinda intimidating??? 

Even if you’re not confident you can do something you’ll try anyway and honestly I respect that about you.

You !! use!!! a lot??!! of!! random punctuation!!! so you always??!?!? seem!!111!! excited!!!!!11!?

Every time you’ve ever tried to make a sandcastle it has failed.

You tried to eat the sand once but we don’t talk bout that.

You would  also pick up slugs and snails and chase your friends around with them.

Can never tell whether people are laughing with you or at you and while you don’t let it show it high-key bothers you when you’re laying alone in your room at night.

Not one to hold grudges, you carry a ‘shit happens’ mentality which is v good but it sometimes leads to people taking advantage of it or walking all over you.

Your meme collection is both questionable and horrifying.

Like how many cursed images and heavily distorted pictures does one person need.

Never organise the files on your PC/laptop so it looks like a complete dumpster fire.

The one at sleepovers who persistently woke everyone else up with their snickering and refusal to sleep till dawn.

For the love of Asahi charge your damn phone.

I see that red bar and ‘12%’

Charge it now.

Bought a plant one time, gave it a name and talked to it frequently.

It died not long after bc u forgot to fucking water it.

No one better ever make you responsible for a pet.

Type of person that when someone asks you to tag along on an endeavour no matter how stupid it is you will agree.

2am skydiving in france? hell yeah.

Midnight shopping spree and spending over half your pay check? count you in.

Exploring an abandoned hospital and performing an Ouija board to summon the demons of hell? you’re damn right you’ll be there.

I hope you have a mum friend by your side bc if not how are you still alive.

You sometimes put the milk in before the cereal and it’s something I’ll never forgive you for.

Yaku:

Very responsible and usually make the right decisions.

You do have moments where you act like a complete dumbass though.

Like u go from 50 year old to 5 year old in the blink of an eye.

A hopeless romantic but it’s a side you don’t often reveal.

Prefer strawberry milk over any other flavour.

You’re the type of person to shower twice a day w/o fail.

Where that stank smell coming from? Not you clearly bc your skin is basically 90% The Body Shop’s rose scented soap at this point.

You get stomach aches a lot and you can’t figure out why.

Probably an allergy to everyone’s bs.

Really good at dirty talk even though you don’t seem the type so people are always taken aback.

You have to be really in the mood though otherwise it falls flatter than Oikawa’s ass, use your skill wisely.

You often call people clowns when you know you’re secretly the biggest one going.

Honk honk, hoe.

You send messages in one paragraph rather than multiple texts unless you are REALLY excited.

People underestimate you at times then are shocked when they realise you are capable of being a fire-breathing dragon from the flaming pits of hell.

You like spicy chicken wings.

Such a petty little shit at times lmao.

Enjoy the view from the top of mountains so you either hike a lot or really want to.

Way more of a cat person since it’s just much more convenient for you.

Usually pretty cheerful or calm and people are drawn to your stable/friendly aura.

Went through a phase of drinking mountain dew and your body still feels the awful effects

Fav element is probably air.

You’re 5′6″ or shorter.

Box dyed your hair brunette several times and can never get the pigment out to this day.

Yamamoto:

Whenever you smell something weird in the room you always internally freak out and think it’s you.

Head-butting walls is your hobby.

You fell off your bike as a kid and still have the scar on your knee.

Probably have tons of ear piercings.

Would tame a pigeon and call it Larry.

You get frequent nosebleeds and can never tell if it’s a medical issue or your extreme simping for fictional men/women.

Hopefully the latter.

You constantly chew your pen/pencil in class so you never lend them to anyone out of embarrassment.

I really hope no one ever lends you stationery bc 30 minutes later it’ll look like it was mauled by a rabid rottweiler.

You really want to own a dog and would call it something intimidating like Banshee or Diablo.

You bleached your hair that one time and it almost fell out so now you’re forced to stay at least 10 metres away from all at-home hair dye products.

You tried your best though bby so A for effort, even if it did look like dehydrated ramen afterwards.

Your grades are mostly C’s and you’re barely passing bc you just don’t care about your classes lol.

Still though you’re actually pretty smart so put it to good use you lazy oaf, channel that crackhead energy into something good.

Your phone screen has several cracks in it from when you dropped it on the bathroom floor while shitting and you’ll always be angry at yourself for that.

You have some really weird quirks but you make it work.

Actually a v chill person but you just kinda attract chaos/trouble wherever you go.

Carry a lighter with you even when you don’t need one.

Shy texter but once people see you irl you are the complete opposite, you just dk how to text without coming across as awkward.

One of those people that’s unintentionally funny and always get confused when you make someone laugh but it makes you feel good regardless.

Have a cool necklace collection and own at least one dog-tag/army style pendant.

Should really consider buying a rabbit you would look so cute w/ one.

You have really nice legs and people should compliment them more.

Either severely dehydrated or overly hydrated to the point you are peeing pure tap water so for the love of god please learn moderation, your kidneys and bladder will thank you for it.

Inuoka:

Your favourite character would be Hinata but you like people taller than you so your love for Inuoka spawned.

You really enjoy using the double spiderman meme.

Cannot correctly verbalise your feelings without creating a minimum of 10 misunderstandings but once people are used to it it’s kinda endearing.

You usually wake up in a good mood and people can never fathom how or why.

You either stay up till 5am or you wake up at that time no in between.

A morning person bc you love the sunrise.

Change your lock-screen very regularly bc you get bored.

Your humour consists solely of poop jokes.

When you don’t understand a joke you laugh anyway and hope they don’t ask you if you actually get it.

Happened once and you’re still traumatised from the cricket silence that fell upon the room.

Really like the taste of lemonade and drink it more often than you should.

Often think about what you would look like with a shaved head.

More of an extrovert but def have occasional introvert tendencies where you wanna be left tf alone.

Never allowed to pick up anything in stores bc the last time you did you sniffed a scented candle and it shattered to the floor.

Constantly have spontaneous ideas of what to change about your appearance.

You use a lot of hand gestures like thumbs up and peace signs.

‘Dude’ and ‘lmao’ is 90% of your vernacular.

Your nails are a disaster, some are down to the nub while others are pretty grown out bc you only bite a select few please sort it out.

Look really good in red.

Your laptop has way too many tabs open from random google searches of words you didn’t know the meaning to.

You read a lot of books but for like 10 minutes at a time bc you have the attention span of a walnut.

You are the type of person to nuke your AO3 tags with things that aren’t even relevant purely bc you found them funny.

Your Tumblr drafts are a nightmare, you have like 100+ in the works yet keep starting new projects why do you do this.

Happy sunshine but you have a LOT of mood swings like that shit comes out of nowhere.

Cry pretty often but no one ever sees and it’s usually because of said mood swings.

You always smile and pick yourself up again though which I commend you for.

TYPES IN CAPITALS IN SITUATIONS THAT DO NOT REQUIRE SAID PUNCTUATION SO YOU SEEM LIKE YOU’RE YELLING ALL THE TIME.

[secretlywritingstories]

Stacks of pancakes as tall as my love for you | Phan One Shot

Summary: Phil loves pancakes and he loves Pancake Day but he isn't really in his usual mood for it when the day comes around in 2021. It's a pleasant and befuddling surprise when he finds Dan has taken on a surprise pancake project all on his own.

Word count: 3.8k

Tags: Established relationship, 2021!Phan, pancakes, Pancake Day 2021, Insomnia references, Sleepy Cuddles

TW: A cannibalism joke?

A/N: An idea that came to me and demanded to be written immediately. Apologies for any typos, I did not proofread, whoop-whoop. Goodnight.

Read on AO3 or below

Phil had always loved pancakes. You could not speak to him at any point from the moment he had learned to form words and been told anything else. Pancakes were magical. Tiny Phil had always thought so.

He blamed his mother for it. She had liked pancakes too. If anyone in the house was having a bad day, herself included, she would relocate to the kitchen and start mixing a batter. The first time Phil could remember eating a pancake, he had been sat on the kitchen counter as a young kid and watched how the gooey mixture turned golden in the pan and his mother flipped it with a bright smile.

He’d grabbed it right of the plate when she had removed it from the pan. It had been warm enough to hurt his hand a little but not enough for it to stop him putting as much of it as he could into his mouth before his mother turned around.

He swore that he could recall the look on his mother’s face when she had found her toddler with half a newly made pancake hanging out of his mouth. It had been glorious.

Phil liked all sorts of pancakes. Crepes were amazing, even better when his mother made them. On a trip to America, he was introduced to IHOP and nearly lost his mind. So many things could be stuffed INSIDE of the pancakes and here they were small and fluffy.

Trying to experiment back home with putting too many things into pancake mixture worked less than ideal but at least him and his mother had fun in the kitchen. He was never any good at making food and pancakes were no exception.

He had fun though.

As he grew older, pancakes started becoming more for special occasions. Birthdays. Celebrations. Travels to America. Pancake Day, of course. A rare but very valued treat all the same.

And then Phil got a partner in crime.

Or perhaps just a partner. None of them had ever done much crime. They were too busy being tall awkward nerds in love to do much of that.

Dan appreciated pancakes but he didn’t love them. Not like Phil did. Nor would he gorge himself entirely on them enough to get a belly ache on Pancake Day. Instead, Dan had spent the time sat opposite Phil stuffing his face with the 8th pancake to look up facts about Shrove Tuesday.

Phil had never cared much about why Pancake Day had come to be, but he was endeared to know that Dan did.  

“Did you know that it was originally a feast day because it came the day before Ash Wednesday which was 40 days before Lent?” Dan had asked Phil, scrolling through Wikipedia.

Even back then, Dan had liked his Wikipedia dives. He could disappear into his phone or laptop for hours and then come to Phil and share all the things he had learned. Phil always tried to listen but most of the time, Dan got so wrapped up in his head about it that his words didn’t actually make the most sense.

“I have no idea what half of those words mean,” Phil had said, an exaggeration, before taking the final bite of his pancake.

Dan had flicked him on the forehead. Not hard enough to hurt, just a little sting. Phil took another pancake from the pile and smirked at Dan who got lost in his phone again.

That had 2010 the first pancake day they had gotten to spent together. Dan had been over at Phil’s tiny Manchester flat and they had eaten nothing but pancakes all day.

The following year they had filmed, edited and released the How To Make British Pancakes video that was pure chaos sprinkled with pancake making. It had been the first time they had made pancakes in their first home. Even now the Manchester flat still held nostalgic memories for the two of them.

Many more Pancake Days had followed. Mostly they’d stick with Deliah Smith. One year, Dan had gotten a vegan recipe from his brother. That year had been quite chaotic and they had ended up going out for pancakes instead.

Phil still made entirely too much a mess in the kitchen when they were attempting to make pancakes and Dan wasn’t any better. It didn’t stop Phil from trying to do it at least a couple of times a year. You could never be entirely sure of the results, not even when they followed the same recipe.

Phil still ate the pancakes. Pancakes were pancakes no matter what and he would not discriminate in his pancake choices. Dan usually teased him for it. It had ended up in more than one pancake fight, involving both finish pancakes and pancake mixture.

It wasn’t like their kitchen wasn’t usually a mess either way.

In 2021, Phil had been looking forward to trying to make pancakes in their forever home kitchen. It would not be a reality. Moving was so close. Within their grasp but they hadn’t been able to get there quite yet. It was delay up on delay and there was a clear light at the end of the tunnel but the destination seemed so far away some days.

Pancake Day was one of those days. Phil hadn’t felt up for the baking adventure. He wanted to be in the kitchen he and Dan had designed together to perfection. He had already been imagining where all their kitchen appliances would go into which cupboards and drawers.

He had grand visions of learning to cook more than a handful or two of recipes that they always tended to fall back on when they wanted something homemade. Dan could cook too, but he was equally limited in repertoire.

It was meant to be a fun project.

Making pancakes together had always been a fun project too. They’d done it for ten years in a row on this day. Sometimes, Phil had to drag Dan into the kitchen and make him his helper but he had always come. One time they had both been at a shoot and only come home late in the evening and they had still made pancakes together.

But with Dan’s book and their moving mess and the ongoing pandemic which still hit hard in London, Phil hadn’t felt particularly in the pancake making spirit.

He had even considered that he perhaps should let it slide this year. Dan would likely have forgotten anyway. It was Phil who always kept track of the day, usually at least a week in advance.

Maybe this whole past year was getting to him more than he had realised.

When he woke up on pancake day morning, Phil had been confused. He had reached out to Dan’s side of the bed and found it vacant and cold. Dan was a warm human and the space left behind his body was usually warm for a while even after he got up.

On rare occasions where Dan got out of bed first, half-asleep Phil would usually roll over to his side and bask in the scent and warmth left behind. It was the perfect place to go back to sleep for just a moment. If he was lucky, he’d even trigger dreams about Dan in his sleepy but not fully asleep state. Those were always fun.

But Phil didn’t roll over this morning. He knew Dan would have gone late to bed, because he had still been in the lounge at his computer when Phil had knocked out. He shouldn’t be up yet, not unless something was bothering him.

Phil tilted himself out of the bed and started to search for Dan with wobbly steps. Just like his eyes, it was like his legs hadn’t gotten the message to go fully operational yet.

Dan was not in the lounge.

Dan was not in the bathroom.

Dan was in the kitchen.

And he wasn’t alone.

Of course, there would not be a guest in their kitchen at this hour. That wouldn’t happen even if they were not in the middle of a global pandemic. But next to the counter was a huge pile of pancakes.

The tallest stack that Phil had ever seen in real life. It looked like something out of a cartoon.

“Dan?” Phil asked, voice deep but painted with surprise. “You’re making pancakes?”

“Of course,” Dan said, turning around to smile at Phil.

He looked tired but happy. Eyes smiling even if it was over dark patches. Flour and mixture on his arms and face but comfortable energy radiating off him.

Phil scanned the state of the kitchen. It was a mess. Bowls upon bowls were sprawled out, most empty but some still filled to the top.

Dan flipped one of the pans he was using. The flick of his wrist seemed trained. Well-practiced.

Phil looked at the stack again. It was almost as tall as his own head if he were to guess. It was not an easy feat to accomplish with the flat crepes. American pancakes would have stacked more impressively but this was their type of pancakes.

Phil had a lot of questions on the tip of his tongue.

Why was Dan making such an absurd number of pancakes? Phil loved pancakes but even he was doubtful that he’d be able to finish half the stack in the next couple of days.

Had Dan even gone to sleep last night? He looked like he had been at this for hours already and the early morning light coming in from the window told Phil it wasn’t that late in the day yet.

Why did Phil feel like crying at the sight of Dan like this? Not in a bad way, not at all. Just in an overwhelmed way, which wasn’t something that Phil did often.

Him and Dan had lived together for more than a decade. They had shared three different homes already. They were on the precipice of being able to move into the home they would hopefully grow old into.

And Dan was here making a humongous number of pancakes.

Phil didn’t really need to ask why. In part because it didn’t matter and in part because he could tell the base reason even if he didn’t know the specifics.

He was doing it for Phil.

Phil didn’t need to ask about Dan’s apparent lack of sleep either. He could tell that Dan hadn’t slept at all, staying up through the night as he did sometimes when his brain refused to shut up.

He’d usually try to find some kind of outlet for his energy.

And lastly, Phil didn’t need Dan to explain to him why this action made Phil feel so warm and grateful. This one was perhaps the simplest one out of all.

Phil loved Dan and their life so much.

So, he voiced none of the questions and instead went up to hug Dan from behind. He felt warm and heavy as he leaned back against Phil’s chest and let out a sigh.

“You know, I’ve ordered this fancy pancake from a place too. We will be lost in pancakes.”

“Why did you do that?” Phil asked, moving to press his lips to Dan’s temple. A kiss or a touch. Phil wasn’t sure but Dan melted further into Phil’s arms.

“I did it a while ago. Saw an ad. You’re getting a cherry pancake.”

Phil let out a snort and rolled his eyes even though he knew Dan couldn’t see him right now with how they were standing. He tightened his arms around Dan’s torso.

“Of course, I am.”

“You’re not going to ask?” Dan asked, lifting his weapon of choice high enough almost to poke Phil’s eyes out.

Phil hid his face in Dan’s curls. They smelled vaguely of Dan’s shampoo and a little bit of sweat but mostly it just smelled like Dan. Phil already knew that Dan’s curls were a good hiding place.

All of Dan was a good hiding place. Phil always felt like nothing bad could ever find him if he had Dan within reach.  

“No,” Phil muttered into Dan’s hair.

“Alright,” Dan said, a soft chuckle making its way out of his mouth. Phil could feel it all the way from Dan’s stomach where his hands had come to rest. Dan always did laugh with his whole body. Small and big laughter in equal measure.

Dan finished the last of the mixture in the bowl next to him, adding more pancakes to the growing stack. Phil stayed plastered to his back the whole time, just breathing him in and trying to get their heartbeats to sync up.

It was possible. He’d tried this before.

“You’re going to have to let me go if you want me to get the final bowl of mixture.”

“Do we not have enough?” Phil asked, and clung on a little tighter.

He had almost been lulled to sleep, even standing up. Dan was warm and comforting and the repetitive motions and sounds of pancake creation was quite calming to listen to.

Phil wondered if anyone had ever recorded it for those calming sounds list. If not, they should.  

“I’ll do the last one,” Phil said, grabbing Dan by the hips and keeping him in his spot when he tried to reach for the last bowl.

“No, I’m making this for you,” Dan protested, but it was a weak one. He was pouting and his puppy dog eyes might have worked better if he didn’t look like he might just fall asleep standing up.

“No more,” Phil said and then knocked his hip into Dan’s to nudge him further down. He then reached behind Dan and removed all the empty bowls, tossing them onto the table behind him and instead grabbing Dan by the hips and lifting him up to sit on the counter.

Dan grabbed the counter with his hands and let himself be pushed up.

“I think I’ve sat down in about three pools of uncooked pancake,” Dan said but he didn’t make any gesture to move. He just accepted his fate.

Phil knew that Dan would. He liked to be on top of things, sat in weird positions or places that you weren’t meant sit. Phil was the same way, so he knew Dan would stay seated if he was placed on a place like the counter.

“You need to wash those pants anyway,” Phil said, smiling before he reached a pinkie into the mixture and then wiped it against Dan’s cheek, right in the dimple that was smiling at him right now.

“I am not mentally aware enough for a food fight right now, Lester,” Dan said, wrinkling his nose. The pancake mixture started to drip down Dan’s cheek but he made no move to stop it.

Phil leaned back in, this time to kiss the cheek. He caught some of the mixture as well.

When Phil pulled back, there was a refreshed spark in Dan’s eyes even with the fatigue. He looked like a man in love. Phil would never get over Dan looking at him like that.

Some days, it didn’t even feel like this was real.

“You know, I dreamed of something like this when I was young,” Phil said, pouring mixture into the pan and getting too much in. It was fine. Pancakes were about artistic expression; he had always believed.

“Yeah?” Dan prompted. “Which part?”

He leaned back to rest his head against the cupboards and closed his eyes but his finger kept tapping the side of his knee. A steady rhythm.

“The impossible big pancake stack for one,” Phil said, looking again at the masterpiece that Dan had created. It was beautiful to look at when Phil didn’t think about try to make it through the whole thing.

He had an urge to cut a knife directly through it, just to see how it would slice. He wouldn’t do that and ruin all Dan’s hard work but the temptation was there.

“What else?” Dan muttered.

He sounded like he was falling asleep. Right there, on the counter, head resting back against the cupboards. A terrible place to sleep, but Phil wasn’t going to stop him. After all, he was right next to Dan at the stove and he could catch him.

He could probably catch him.

“I dreamed of this. A home with a man I love. Simple domestic life. Having someone to create and share moments with,” Phil said sincerely. The words came out alright this morning. Phil had tried to express stuff like this before, but most of the time he would get too tongue-tied to get the point across.

Dan had always been the better one with big declarations of love.

Words like to cooperate with him in a way that they didn’t always did with Phil. It was okay though, Phil thought as he flipped the too thick pancake. It cracked a little, but Phil fixed it with a bit more mixture. No harm, no foul.

“I’m glad you like the pancakes, Phil,” Dan said, and he sounded far away in his voice. Clearly drifting off to sleep.

Phil looked over at how precariously he was sleeping and he felt his heart drop once more for this man. This stupid, silly and good man that Phil had been so lucky to find and make a life with. They had so many years behind them already but they had even more years to come.

Phil finished the whole bowl and stacked more onto the pancake tower before he gently shook Dan awake. He jolted and nearly sent himself flying onto the floor but Phil managed to grab him and slow down his jump.

“I’ve got you,” Phil said, noticing how all the mixture he had gotten on his hands were now on Dan’s shirt.

He would be made out of pancake soon. Good. Phil’s favourite treat.

“Did you finish it?” Dan asked with a yawn and looked over to admire the stack. It was impressive in height.

Phil wasn’t even sure when Dan had done a shop big enough to get this much of the ingredients.

“Our little pancake baby,” Phil said.

“Don’t call it our baby when we’re going to eat it, Phil.”

“Have you never heard of cannibalism?”

“Shut up, it’s too early for this.”

“It’s actually nearly a perfectly reasonable morning time right now,” Phil countered and then reached out to jostle Dan’s curls a little. They were sticking on his forehead and the side curl was not getting what it deserved.

“I repeat: shut up,” Dan insisted, voice deep but alit with laughter. He bonked his head against Phil’s. “We’re eating pancakes now, even if I had to do it with my eyes closed.”

And they did. Dan hadn’t only bought ingredients it turned out but also entirely too many toppings. Anything Phil could have thought of was at the table. Phil didn’t have the heart to tell Dan that he would be more than happy with just sugar and lemon. Those were the best after all.

Still, trying something new was fun. Phil embraced that life motto. Dan knew that.

They didn’t even make it through a fifth of the stack, even as they stuffed their faces.

Afterwards, they relocated to the couch where Dan claimed Phil as his personal pillow and snuggled his face into Phil’s chest.

“You know, if I had the hearing ability to hear heartbeats, like, people’s heartbeats from a distance? I think I’d be able to pick yours out of a line up any day,” Dan said and pressed the side of his head closer to Phil’s chest.

To Phil’s heart.

“You’re very cute and romantic when you’re sleep deprived, Danny,” Phil teased him.

“Excuse you, I am always cute and romantic,” Dan countered.

Phil chuckled and moved a hand to Dan’s curls to slowly move his hands through the soft hair. Dan almost purred and snuggled closer. Phil had switched something onto the TV before he had laid down but he didn’t care to look at it.

Dan fell asleep on his chest and it was an addicting and contagious feeling. Phil snuggled down a little closer, removed his glasses and got comfortable and then it didn’t take long for him to fall back asleep. Midday cuddle sessions were not that normal between them and Phil wanted to take advantage of it.

They were woken in the early afternoon by their doorbell ringing. Phil had to tip Dan off him before he could get up and Dan had groaned in annoyance at being awoken again. Phil had opened the door without his glasses, seeing just a blurry figure holding out a package and asking him to sign.

Phil could have been signing away his life and he wouldn’t know but he scrawled down his signature all the same.

He lifted the little box to his nose and it smelled heavenly.

“Dan, I think the pancake you ordered is here!” Phil called out.

“No more pancakes!” Dan called out with a big groan.

“There’s always room for more pancakes!” Phil insisted.

He gave into the urge to run back into the lounge, quickly tossing the box onto the sofa table and then flinging himself down on top of Dan.

He let out a groan at the impact but his hands still went up to hold Phil’s hips and his touch was soft.

“You’re a pancake,” Dan muttered.

“I’m as thick as one,” Phil joked and tried to wiggle his eyebrows.

“PHIIILLL!”

“What? It’s true, isn’t it?” Phil said and then leaned in to press a kiss against Dan’s pouting mouth. His eyes had been closed but they fluttered open as he felt the gentle pressure against his lips.

He looked Phil right in the eyes, smirk spreading on his lips. Three unsaid words on his lips that he didn’t need to form into audible words when Phil could see it without anything being said.

“You’re ridiculous. How can you want more pancake after that feast from this morning?”

“You always have room for more pancake,” Phil argued, and leaned in close enough to rest their foreheads together.

Dan scrunched up his nose and he looked so adorable.

Dan’s hands moved to Phil’s butt, hands just gently resting and holding him. There was something easy and intimate about his, foreheads together, Dan’s hands on Phil’s ass and the two of them pressed together.

It wasn’t even sexual right now, just radiating comfort and familiarity with each other’s boundaries and bodies. Phil really did mean it when he said he had dreamed of something like this.

“Let’s get you your pancake then, Lester. Only for you.”

Phil kissed him again.

[indistinct-echo]

First Line Fic Game

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favourite authors!

thank you to @natigail for the tag!! i'm tagging @fictropes @strawberry-sunflower @ahappydnp @yikesola @calvinahobbes

i'll only be putting 5 first lines bc 20 feels like too many :P the overall pattern within all of my fics seems to be that they tend to include either coffee or sleep (or both!)

“Would it be okay if I sleep in here tonight?” “Um… sure?”

i want your number / O_o kinda creepy way of asking, Lester / can i please have your phone number dear sir / dear sir is my father, just call me dear

Phil doesn’t remember how he got here. He knows he’s been here before, maybe once, twice, a few dozen times, but he can’t quite recall that either.

There’s something a little weird about birthdays, something a little uncomfortable. Some years, Dan can pass the day by without getting stuck in those emotions that threaten to overwhelm. And, on the very best of birthdays, when he’s too busy in bed with Phil or out with friends or somewhat excitedly panicking about the only-two-days-away venture into the next chapter of his life, he doesn’t even feel them at all.

The pillow is cold against Phil’s head. His limbs are heavy and tired. If he doesn’t move, if he doesn’t open his eyes, he might just be able to slip into slumber and join Dan in the land of the dreaming.

Phil runs parallel to the dark waves, the sand creating the most frustrating friction. It is a necessary precaution; though it’s late enough in the evening that it is unlikely there will be any passerby, the drag of the sand slows him down enough that, even if there were to be the quick flash of headlights his direction, they’d only see a slightly too fast runner and not a swift force of the night. They wouldn’t stop to consider that his run looks too graceful for the sandy, wet shore and just drive right on by without being any the wiser.

oh whoops, did 6 :P

[antiadvil]

i AIM 2 b w/ u

summary: Dan’s life is a little bit of a mess. He met his only friend through a chat website, and Dan doesn’t even know what he looks like. The only person he’s ever come out to is said friend. He’s wasting his gap year away.

But hey, at least there’s that cute boy he met at London Pride.

rating: PG13

wc: 4k

notes: for the @phandomreversebang! lovely art created by @anironsidh and betaing provided by @quackitity (also stay tuned for @judearaya‘s version which i betaed and is very good)

read on ao3 or under the cut

Dan glanced at the time. He had a few minutes to kill before he had to catch his train to London Pride, he decided, so he logged into his laptop and opened AIM.

His heart skipped a beat. His best (and only, if he was being honest) friend was online. He sent him a message.

danisnotonfire: hey

amazingphil: hi!!!

He and Amazingphil had met in a chat room about five months ago. They bonded a bit over their sexualities, and then Dan sent him a PM about Muse, and then here they were, still messaging almost every day since.

amazingphil: what r u doing?

danisnotonfire: im never doing anything

amazingphil: lol

amazingphil: yes u r >.<

amazingphil: guess what im doing

danisnotonfire: what

amazingphil: guess >:(

danisnotonfire: no >:)

amazingphil: pls

danisnotonfire: hmm

danisnotonfire: maybe

amazingphil: hurry up

danisnotonfire: wait im thinking of a good one

danisnotonfire: ok

danisnotonfire: ur running away from the police bc u stole the crown jewels

amazingphil: no u spork

amazingphil: im picking out an outfit

danisnotonfire: an outfit? :0

danisnotonfire: u wear clothes?

amazingphil: i hate u

amazingphil: i have Plans today

Dan glanced at the clock. He had to leave soon for his own plans, but he still felt a tiny bit jealous.

danisnotonfire: you have Plans?

amazingphil: yes

amazingphil: what r u doing?

Dan checked the time again. He frowned. He had to leave now if he wanted to make his train.

danisnotonfire: getting ready to take a train

danisnotonfire: g2g actually sry

danisnotonfire: c u?

He didn’t wait to see amazingphil’s response before he closed his laptop and bolted for the door.

The train ride to London was nerve wracking but uneventful. Dan had never travelled so far on his own before, and his mother’s warnings rang in his head. As tempted as he was to pull out his phone and pretend to be busy, he kept himself alert, his phone safely stowed in his pocket and his backpack clutched in his lap.

His mother didn’t know where he was going. No one knew where he was going. It was a little bit scary, but also exhilarating. He could do anything; he could be anyone, as long as he was on the 8pm train home.

When his train pulled into the station, it was easy to follow the crowd of people in rainbow apparel to the parade site. Dan’s train had arrived a tiny bit late, and it looked like the parade had already started.

The street was crowded, but Dan wriggled and elbowed his way to the front of the crowd, where he had a decent view of his first ever Pride parade. He found himself sandwiched between two girls holding hands and a dark haired boy who looked about Dan’s age.

“Hey,” Dan found himself shouting to the boy next to him.

The boy glanced over, flicking dark hair out of his eyes. “Hey,” he shouted back. “What brings you here?”

“I’m gay,” Dan shouted. He laughed. It was so exhilarating to say out loud that he said it again. “I’m gay!”

The boy laughed. “Me too,” he said. “What a coincidence.”

“What’s your name?” Dan asked.

“Phil,” the boy replied. “You?”

“Dan,” he said back.

“Well, Dan, is this your first pride?”

Dan nodded. “What about you?”

Phil shook his head. “This is my third.”

“Wow,” Dan said.

Phil laughed. “It’s not that many. I’m sure there are some people here who have been to every single one.” He nodded toward a group of older men riding on a passing float.

Dan tried to wrap his mind around the fact that there had been fewer than forty London Prides. That everything around him was new and fragile and still in its infancy. “That’s crazy,” he said. “That that’s even possible, I mean.”

Phil nodded emphatically. “I know, right? If I had been born just fifty years earlier…” He shuddered.

“It’s not like it’s that great to be gay right now either,” Dan admitted.

“No,” Phil admitted. He looked down.

They were silent for a few moments.

“Sorry,” Dan said, clearing his throat. “I kinda killed the mood there, didn’t I?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Phil said. He shifted uncomfortably, fiddling with the plastic rainbow flag in his hands. “Does your family know you’re here?” he added softly.

Dan shook his head, eyes welling with tears.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil said in a rush, “That was such a personal question, I don’t know why I-”

“It’s okay,” Dan said softly.

Phil hovered awkwardly just at the edge of Dan’s personal space. “Um, do you want a hug or-”

“Yes,” Dan said, immediately crushing himself into Phil’s arms and squeezing his eyes shut.

He resolutely ignored the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

“Shh,” Phil said, holding him tighter. “It’s going to be okay.”

Dan didn’t know why he believed everything this beautiful stranger said, but he did.

It was going to be okay. Dan let that message sink into his body, settle in his stomach, until his limbs felt less shaky and his footing more solid. He pulled away from Phil, wiping his eyes.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I don’t know what that was.”

“It’s okay,” Phil said. “It’s your first Pride; it’s overwhelming. Are you from nearby?”

“I’m from near Reading,” Dan said.

Phil whistled. “That’s pretty far.”

Dan shrugged. “No one will recognize me here.”

Phil nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Dan shrugged again. “It’s okay.”

“Well, I hope you have a good time. It’s a lot of fun.”

Dan looked around at everyone wearing various different pride flags, all of the floats covered in rainbow. “I think I will.”

Dan and Phil stayed together for the rest of the parade, bumping shoulders and pointing out people with particularly funny signs. When the last float passed, though, Dan realized he didn’t want to break apart.

He turned to Phil to say so, but before he could open his mouth, Phil interrupted him, looking nervous. “Actually, um, if you don’t have anywhere to be yet, I thought we could hang out for a bit? Get coffee or something?”

Dan had left a few hours after Pride for exploring London, maybe even looking at some colleges so what he told his mum wasn’t a complete lie, but he’d rather spend them with Phil. “I’d love coffee,” he said.

Phil brightened. “There’s a Starbucks really close by. If you like Starbucks?”

“I love Starbucks,” Dan said. He loved anywhere Phil wanted to drink coffee together.

“Perfect,” Phil said, already walking, presumably towards the Starbucks. “My treat.”

“Oh, you don’t have to-” Dan scrambled to keep up.

“Please,” Phil said, smiling. “It’s the least I can do.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “In exchange for what?”

“You travelled all the way to London to see me,” Phil smiled.

Dan rolled his eyes even harder. “It wasn’t to see you, dummy-”

Phil gasped in mock betrayal. “It wasn’t?”

“No,” Dan said, “It was to learn and grow as a person, to find myself, to-”

“Shut up,” Phil said, giggling. “Just let me buy you coffee.”

“Fine,” Dan said, pouting.

“Perfect,” Phil said, leading Dan into a Starbucks, “Now come on.”

Dan’s coffee was delicious, but he let it cool in his hands as their conversation went on. He and Phil had a lot in common, and their conversation flowed easily. They both followed a lot of the same online creators, they had similar taste in music, and they had similar senses of humor. They even had nearly matching hairstyles, Phil pointed out with a laugh.

“It’s a cool hairstyle,” Dan said defensively. Phil didn’t need to know that the only way Dan could make it look even slightly good was by straightening it every morning.

“Of course it is,” Phil said. “It’s mine.”

Dan rolled his eyes and lightly shoved Phil.

When Dan finally finished his coffee, he looked at it regretfully. “I guess I should get going.”

Phil hesitated. “I don’t know if you want to go back to my apartment or anything?”

Dan nodded, then looked at his watch. It was getting dark out. “Fuck. I can’t. My train.”

Phil’s shoulders slumped slightly. “Oh. Well, can I walk you to your train at least?”

Dan smiled. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

It was lucky that Phil had offered to walk him, honestly, because Dan was completely turned around. London was one of the most confusing cities he’d ever been in, but Phil seemed to know his way around it like the back of his hand.

“Here you go,” he said, pointing out the train station Dan had arrived at earlier in the day. He shoved his hands in his pockets, staring at Dan with an intensity that made him blush. “I don’t want to go,” he admitted.

Phil drew closer, and Dan glanced around nervously. There were a few people around. No one seemed to be paying much attention, but that could change.

Fuck it, Dan decided. It was Pride. If there was ever a day for kissing cute boys in public, it was today. As Phil leaned in closer, Dan closed the gap and pressed their lips together.

It was sweet, shorter than Dan would have liked, but as Phil pulled away Dan noticed a man standing at the other end of the street, glaring. Dan could see Phil looking too.

“How about I just stick with you until your train comes?” Phil said lightly, but Dan could see his eyes still on the man on the other end of the street, who made eye contact for another second before finally turning away.

Dan felt the tension in his shoulders unwind just the slightest bit. “That’d be great,” he said.

Phil hovered protectively by Dan’s side for the next few minutes until his train came. Dan wouldn’t be much good in a fight, and he didn’t get the sense that Phil would be either, but his presence was reassuring. When it was time to say goodbye, Phil opted for a hug.

Dan sank into his arms gratefully. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Of course,” Phil whispered back.

“Stay safe,” Dan whispered.

“I will,” Phil promised, pulling back. “See you?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “I hope so.”

Barely a minute after Dan boarded his train, his phone buzzed.

phil: did u make it?

Dan smiled.

dan: yes

dan: ty 4 coffee btw, it was good

phil: :)

phil: b safe

dan: u 2

He waited a bit with his phone out, wondering if Phil would say anything more, but he didn’t, so Dan closed his phone and put it away. He let his head fall back against his seat and turned to look out the window, watching London pass by until it was left firmly behind him.

***

The first thing Dan did when he got back home was check AIM. Almost as soon as he logged in, he got a message.

amazingphil: ur back!

amazingphil: where were u :0

Dan hesitated. He didn’t know why he felt like lying.

danisnotonfire: i have a life that isnt online u kno

amazingphil: D:

amazingphil: betrayal

Dan didn’t talk much about his offline life with Amazingphil. He knew the basics: Dan was gay, no one knew, everyone still managed to give him shit for it somehow. But he didn’t know where Dan lived, his little brother’s name, or that he had traveled to London today for Pride.

And if he said something about Pride, then he’d be asked how it went. And then he’d have to talk about Phil. And he didn’t want to talk about Phil for some reason.

danisnotonfire: u have a life offline too

danisnotonfire: remember u said u had plans 2day?

amazingphil: :0

amazingphil: i guess i did

danisnotonfire: howd they go?

amazingphil: good :3

danisnotonfire: is that all ur gonna say

amazingphil: yes :P

amazingphil: i need 2 have mystery or ull lose interest

danisnotonfire: :0

danisnotonfire: i would never

amazingphil: good

danisnotonfire: now tell me

amazingphil: no

danisnotonfire: ಠ_ಠ

amazingphil: :D

amazingphil: it wasnt really interesting anyway lolol

amazingphil: i dont wanna bore u

danisnotonfire: impossible

danisnotonfire: u could never bore me D:

amazingphil: i could

amazingphil: law

amazingphil: textbooks

amazingphil: school

amazingphil: math

amazingphil: r u asleep yet

danisnotonfire: (-_-)zzz

amazingphil: c? told u

danisnotonfire: ok ok

danisnotonfire: u win

Dan still wanted to know what Amazingphil had been up to, but Amazingphil didn’t seem like he wanted to tell, so Dan decided to let it drop. He started to type up a question about whether or not Amazingphil had seen a video uploaded by a YouTuber they both followed, but he was interrupted.

amazingphil: im kinda tired actually

amazingphil: i think im going to bed

Dan’s smile dropped. He had been looking forward to talking to Amazingphil.

danisnotonfire: :(

danisnotonfire: good night!

amazingphil: good night!

He went offline. Dan stayed online for a bit longer, but no one else was really there, and none of the chat rooms he normally joined were interesting that night. Eventually, he gave up. He went to bed early too.

***

He woke up the next morning to a string of texts from Phil. He smiled, grabbing his phone and rolling over to read through them.

phil: hey i have some free time this wknd

phil: i could visit maybe?

phil: if ur free 2

Dan smiled harder.

dan: im free :]

dan: idk why u want 2 visit tho theres nothing here

phil: theres u

Dan had to put his phone down for a second to make sure his face did not actually combust from how hot it was getting.

dan: thatd be nice :3 i miss u

phil: lol, we saw each other yesterday

phil: (i miss u 2 :3)

dan: call me? :3

Dan’s phone started ringing immediately. He picked up. “Why would you want to visit Wokingham?” he asked. “London is way cooler.”

“But you’re not in London,” Phil said.

“I can be,” Dan said, his mind already racing to find excuses for visiting again so soon. “I could say-”

“Dan,” Phil cut him off with a laugh. “I want to visit you. Calm down.”

Dan hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Dan,” Phil said. “Why? Are you?”

Dan hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want to see you again; I really do. But I mean, there are so many people here who know me and I’m not really out. To anyone. Except you.” And someone online, he added silently in his head.

“That’s okay,” Phil said. “We don’t have to- do anything gay if you don’t want to.” He paused. “At least not in public,” he added hopefully.

Dan chewed on his lip. “Even if my parents were out of the house, my little brother is really nosy. Sorry, I don’t think we’d be able to go there.”

“That’s okay,” Phil said, even though Dan thought he still sounded a little bit disappointed. “I’d still like to visit you. I don’t want to make you come to London every time we want to see each other.”

Butterflies erupted in Dan’s stomach. Every time? This wasn’t a one off thing?

“That’s sweet,” he said. “But really, London seems better in pretty much-”

“Awesome,” Phil said. “What time can you pick me up from the train station this Saturday?”

***

Dan opened AIM again, halfheartedly hoping that Amazingphil had come online in the five minutes he’d had AIM closed. He hadn’t, so Dan sighed, closing it again. He checked his twitter for another five minutes, then opened AIM again.

Amazingphil’s away message wasn’t even descriptive: “How much pain has cracked your soul? How much love would make you whole?” Just a Muse lyric. If it meant something, Dan wasn’t going to bother trying to decipher it.

Dan closed AIM again. He opened twitter. He closed twitter, and opened AIM. He repeated the cycle until it was time to pick Phil up at the train station.

Luckily, his mum didn’t ask why he needed the car, just absentmindedly handed him the keys and told him to drive safely. He parked near the train station, hoping he wouldn’t forget where he left the car.

“So this is Wokingham!” Phil said when he got off his train.

Dan nodded. “This is Wokingham.” Phil was disturbingly excited to be in Dan’s town. Dan wasn’t sure why, it was nothing compared to London.

Phil jumped up and down, smiling. Dan couldn’t help but smile back.

“So,” Phil said. “Show me the sights! Hear me the sounds! What is there to do around here?”

Dan shrugged. “Uh, I don’t really go out a lot. But there’s this coffee place I go to a lot if you don’t mind more coffee?”

Phil narrowed his eyes. “Is it Starbucks?”

Dan laughed. “Starbucks? You wish. Phil, I am going to take you to the indiest, least mainstream coffeeshop you have ever been to.”

Phil blinked. “Low bar, if I’m being honest.”

“After this, you’ll never be able to go to a Starbucks again without being disappointed.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Tall order.” He giggled. “Get it? Tall order? Because Starbucks drinks are-”

Dan rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help giggling either. “Shut up.”

Phil’s tongue poked out when he laughed, Dan noticed. “Never. I will not be silenced.”

Dan shook his head. “Disappointing.”

Phil pouted.

Dan relented. “It was a little bit funny.”

Phil immediately perked up. “You think I’m funny?”

Dan rolled his eyes so hard they hurt.

Phil giggled.

“Shut up,” Dan said. “Let’s go.”

When they got to the coffee shop, Phil spent an obnoxious amount of time reading the menu.

“It’s just coffee,” Dan said. “It’s not that complicated.”

“It is absolutely that complicated,” Phil insisted. He ended up taking about ten minutes to decide what to order, and when he did it was the same caramel macchiato he had ordered at the Starbucks they went to in London.

Dan reached past Phil to put a wad of pound notes on the counter. “My treat,” he said. “Since you got the train tickets and all.”

Phil glared at Dan and stuffed a wad of pound notes in the tip jar.

Oh well. At least Dan could say he tried. And the barista, who was honestly a little bit cute, seemed very happy about it, so Dan was going to call this a win.

Their coffee was ready in just a few minutes, and Dan watched Phil’s face carefully as he took his first sip of his caramel macchiato. “How is it?” he asked.

Phil closed his eyes. “It’s amazing.”

“Better than Starbucks?”

Phil’s eyes flew open. “Now, now. I didn’t say that,” he said.

Dan snorted at the look of near-panic on Phil’s face. “Don’t worry, Phil. I won’t tell Starbucks you’ve been cheating on her.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Dan. You’re such a good friend.”

Dan looked down. Friend. He didn’t want to act ungrateful, but he had been hoping that Phil didn’t want to only be his friend.

Phil groaned. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Dan looked up, confused.

“Sorry,” Phil said. “I kind of just got out of a relationship, and I know we live in different cities, so I don’t know if it’s honestly the best idea, but I really like you. And I want to make it work. If you do too.”

Dan smiled. “I think I’d like that.”

Their coffee date- date? Was this a date? It really seemed like a date- well, whatever it was, it went well. Phil admitted that this coffee was, in fact, superior to Starbucks. He told Dan a bit about his job- he worked as a video editor- and asked Dan about his. Dan was a little embarrassed to admit he worked at Asda, but Phil didn’t seem fazed. Before long, Dan was telling stories about all the outraged customers he’d dealt with, and Phil was laughing along.

Dan let himself relax a little bit. It didn’t seem like Phil was going to judge him.

They spent the rest of the day wandering around Wokingham. There really wasn’t much to see, but Dan pointed out all of the places he and his friends used to spend time, before, well, they stopped being Dan’s friends, and all of the little coffee shops and secondhand clothing stores he still went to.

When Phil got on his train home, he didn’t kiss him. Dan knew too many people in Wokingham for that. But Phil did hug him, tightly, and Dan whispered a promise to visit soon in his ear.

***

When Dan got back to his room, the first thing he did was check AIM.

Amazingphil still had the same away message as that morning. Dan sighed. Why was he so hard to reach today?

Oh well. There were other things to do on the internet anyway. Twitter was boring today, but there was always YouTube, and random AIM chatrooms where he didn’t know anyone. Dan lost track of time, chatting with someone he was pretty convinced was a fifty year old man pretending to be a teenager, until he got a notification that Amazingphil was online.

He immediately closed his other chat window; the fifty year old man would have to wait.

danisnotonfire: ur back!!! :D

amazingphil: lol

amazingphil: im back :D

danisnotonfire: was ur relaxing day unplugged relaxing

amazingphil: lol

amazingphil: yes

amazingphil: i had a good day :)

danisnotonfire: that’s good

amazingphil: i was thinking though

amazingphil: u know what’s weird

amazingphil: i don’t know what u look like >.<

amazingphil: we should skype or something

danisnotonfire: we should

danisnotonfire: when?

danisnotonfire: like rn?

amazingphil: sure

amazingphil: if u want

amazingphil: im not doing anything

Dan glanced around. He should clean his room.

danisnotonfire: give me 5

He glanced around again. There was no way his entire room was getting cleaned in five minutes.

Oh well. He had committed. He slammed his laptop shut and surveyed the room, trying to figure out what he could clean in five minutes. Or, well, what he could shove under his bed or in his closet in the next five minutes.

He managed to hide all his dirty laundry, then kicked a bunch of the clutter in his room to one side and pointed his laptop camera firmly away from it.

He opened AIM again, composing a message.

danisnotonfire: ok im ready

danisnotonfire: my skype is danisnotonfire too

He barely had time to open skype before he got an incoming call from Amazingphil. He picked up, then gaped at the screen in shock.

“Wait,” he said. “Phil?”

Phil blinked. “Dan?”

“What are you doing here?” Dan asked stupidly.

“Skyping you,” Phil said, just as stupidly.

“You’re- you’re Amazingphil?”

“Yeah.”

“And also Phil.”

“I think?” Phil extended his arms, staring at them, as if to check that they were real.

Dan groaned, putting his head in his hands. “How did we not figure this out?”

“To be completely honest,” Phil admitted, “I couldn’t really figure out what your screenname was supposed to say. I didn’t really know your name was Dan.”

Dan laughed. “What did you think it said?”

Phil blushed. “I don’t know!”

“No, really,” Dan said, an embarrassing amount of affection leaking into his voice. “What did you think it said?”

“Like, Dani snot on fire or something,” Phil said. “Look, it’s hard to read, it’s all lowercase-”

Dan groaned. “You thought my name was Dani and my username was about my snot being on fire?”

“Look,” Phil said, still blushing, “I don’t know. What’s your excuse for not knowing who I was?”

Dan felt his face heat up. He shrugged. “Phil is a common name?”

Phil laughed. “Not that common. Dan, you spork-”

“Shut up!” Dan said. “I’m not the one who doesn’t know how to read-”

“Maybe if your username wasn’t so hard to read-”

“Oh, blame it on me-”

“Look, I’m just saying-”

Dan scoffed. “You’re just saying.”

“I am,” Phil insisted. “Look, we both made bad decisions-”

“Bad decisions?” Dan said. “You think us meeting was a-”

“Okay, okay. Stupid decisions,” Phil corrected himself. “My point is, we’re here now. Isn’t that what matters?”

Dan had to agree that it was.