#and actually i havent had any major suicidal thoughts for a couple of weeks now

[pinkykitten]

Come Back to You

Marvel

Stephen Strange x wizard! female reader

Warning: death, suicidal thoughts, depression, just a lot of angst but dont worry it gets fluffy, violence, curse words

Specifics: angst, romance, fluff, action, one-shot, race neutral reader, gif, !SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME!

People: stephen strange, steve rogers, tony stark, natasha romanoff, scott lang, thanos

Words: 2,147

Requested: By @abigator554 Hey could u do a dr strange x reader where she watched him fade away on titan and thought she would never see him again. she is also a “wizard” and fights in the last battle fighting as if she has nothing left loose. When all of them start to come back she sees him and runs over to him. She starts to break down ending with some really sappy stuff from Stephen and then they take down Thanos together 

Authors Note: so this guys is a sad one indeed god i feel like this whole week has been sad. this story deals and talks about a lot and to me a lot of what u would go thru if someone u loved passed away without a why. if you havent watched endgame then maybe this isnt the fic for u, if u dont care about spoilers then go on ahead. thanks for the request and i always love writing about those who dont get written a lot. also this gif 😍 i mean cmon!

Its been 5 years. 5 years since your life turned upside down and was changed for the worse, but it just felt like yesterday. 

You stood there, awaiting for what came next, holding tightly Stephen’s hand. “Stephen...”

Suddenly, without control, your colleges, your friends started disappearing on planet Titan. It all happened so fast. You tried to stop it, but it was out of your hands. “No, no, no,” you were shocked, tears streaming down your face as you saw the ones you loved die, just poof away. 

You then remembered your husband. Turning your head to Stephen your world fell apart. He fell, leaning against a rock. “Oh god no,” you sobbed not wanting him to leave you. You needed him, he was your life. “Baby, no don’t leave me,” you pleaded, kneeling before him, clutching his once strong hands now going weak. 

“I’m sorry y/n, I’m sorry,” he only whispered, feeling life soon leaving his body. “I’m sorry, I...we all tried. There was nothing more we could do.” He tried gripping your hand, granting you one last kiss on your knuckles. You could feel the splash of tears drop onto your skin feeling worse knowing he was crying, knowing he didn’t want to leave you. “I love you...” 

He was gone. 

The wind took his ashes away, leaving you with only a little piece of himself. Your lips trembled, you were shaking out of anger and sadness. You picked up a pile of his ashes in your hand and dropped them again to the ground. You looked up to the sky and screamed. Screamed on the top of your lungs. For once being and Avenger didn’t matter for you were powerless.

Sitting up in your bed full of sweat you look beside you. Hoping Stephen is there and it was all a nightmare. As you look you realize it was all a reality. He was truly gone. Again, everyday, you would sob. Either sob the whole night or sob till you fell asleep. You wrapped yourself up in one of his shirts, smelling it and just wishing for his presence, he was with you. “I miss you my love.” You would hug yourself with his shirt on. 

You were alone in the house. You felt broken and just not wanting to live anymore. Sometimes, what was left of the gang, would come visit you but most days you wanted to stay in bed and hope and pray that you would die. 

A knock on the door startled you. You still laid there not wanting any confrontation. 

“Y/n, I know you’re in there,” Steve called out to you. 

You groaned as you got up. You were wearing pajamas from who knows when. You hadn’t taken a shower, you were a mess. The house was a disaster and you were feeling very weak at the moment. 

You opened the door lightly, “what do you want?” Usually, your cheery self or the you from five years ago would of said something sarcastic or something silly to Steve but that you had disappeared, along with the love of your life. 

Steve looked worried, seeing as you had bags under your eyes and you looked almost lifeless, well you felt it. “Please, can I come in?”

You bit your lip in thought, thinking. 

“Please, y/n, can we just talk?”

You nodded, opening the door wide for him. He looked around the house that was so lively with music playing and you and Stephen dancing together, cooking, you would invite the Avengers for dinners all the time but now the house was dark, curtains closing the sunshine. It was better that way, outside people experienced the same things. Loss of loved ones. Half of the population was wiped out from that snap so outside was dark and gloomy, like everyone's souls. Garbage, clothes, his clothes were every where, lying around the house, bills and letters were all stacked into one corner. 

“Please, sit,” you said as you pointed to the kitchen table. It was all covered in junk. You quickly moved everything aside with force, not caring about a glass vase shattering. You just did not care about anything. 

“Thank you,” Steve sat politely. 

“Would you like some, um,” you went to the kitchen and saw you had no groceries, “water?”

“I’m good thanks.”

You walked back and sat in front of Steve, not knowing what to talk about but you knew what you didn’t want to talk about. Steve and Natasha and some of the group were dead set on bringing those who were snapped back. You just never wanted to talk about it. You didn’t want to bring your hopes up and then when it failed be down all over again. Even seeing their faces brought back your husband in your mind, old times. 

“How are you feeling?”

You chuckled, “the same...”

“Listen y/n, I know you miss him-”

“No don’t you start with that,” you shook your head. 

“-but you can’t keep living like this.” Steve wrapped your hands into his, engulfing them. He then realized you were wearing Stephen’s shirt. “He wouldn’t have wanted this for you.” You brought your hands back as if Steve stung your hands. You hated talking about him. 

“Oh what the he*l do you know, Steve? I can and I will keep living like this. You know I kinda have the right to. Everybody, everybody is wanting me to take care of myself, to just live on, well what if I don’t want to! I never wanted to proceed in living without Step- without him...”

Steve felt pain for you, but he didn’t want nothing bad happening to you either. “Y/n, this has got to stop.”

“I can’t even say his name. I can’t leave the house without thinking about him. I don’t want to breathe, eat, sleep, do anything without him. I won’t. You all expect me, oh its been 5 years, well to me it feels like it was yesterday, you guys expect me to be happy again, to find a hobby, do something amazing with my life, I can’t! For god’s sake that was my husband. He wasn’t just a man that I wanted to pass and we’re done, he was like my other half! I could depend on him and he could depend on me and I failed him.” You slouched in your chair sobbing. Steve wrapped his arms around you, “no don’t think that way. This wasn’t your fault.”

“I wish it would of been me instead of him. Steve, I have a baby room and baby clothes, things. We were gonna try. I was so happy, finally having our little family like I always dreamed of and now, its not a dream, its a nightmare. A nightmare that I am supposedly supposed to keep living. Steve, I don’t want to live anymore! I don’t want this life! I just want it all to end!”

Steve soothed you as he embraced you harder and for as long as you needed him. You cried onto his shoulder, needing that comfort. 

He stayed for the rest of the day there. Just having another person’s presence surprisingly aided you, but sadly he had to leave. You said your goodbyes as he left but he paused, “y/n if you ever need me for anything or just need someone there, someone to talk to, please, don’t ever hesitate to call me. Please.” He almost sounded as if he was begging. You, again, hugged him, “thank you Steve.”

A couple of days later you got the call. 

You brought all your items together. Notebooks your husband told you about that were very important. They were about the stones, especially the one he gave up. It was all nostalgic. You remember Stephen he was your teacher. He taught you everything about magic and alternate dimensions. Grinning as you saw a picture you threw of him and you along with his old things, “don’t worry baby, we might get somewhere.” You got yourself ready and ran as fast as you could to the Avengers facility. 

The call was from Steve, he said they might have found a way to bring back all those people.

You were so quick, so fast. Could this be real? Could this be possible? Could you really end up seeing your husband again?

You ran, everything disheveled as you entered. Slamming the door open, “tell me!”

They explained to you everything calling the plan the “Time Heist”. Scott Lang said he had experienced the Quantum Realm so he had knowledge about it. He told you that it may help them go back in time and retrieving all the Infinity Stones from major historical events. It all made sense. The lost pieces you were trying to stick into the puzzle piece were found. 

“So you’re telling me this time voodoo whatever might actually work?” Scott placed his hands on your shoulders chuckling, excited, “that is what I’m saying y/n. We may be able to bring back all of them.”

Feeling light headed you sat down. Your mind was racing. Its been so many years. All this time you imagined there was never a possibility of seeing Stephen again and now you were told it might actually happen. 

“Y/n are you okay?” Tony asked concerned. 

Tears started to drip down your cheeks and you bit your fist, “we need to do this...”

Fighting alongside the Avengers trio leaving behind the feelings of lost from your friend Natasha you head straight for Thanos. 

Using your powers you lift him up and smash him against stones. 

“Guys were losing!” You shouted as you suddenly saw the army of Thanos storming toward you four. You held your breath as you were ready to defend humanity, ready to fight till your last breath. Until you heard a voice on Steve’s ear piece. You turned around, shocked, “could it be...”

All of a sudden Sling Ring portals start opening and one by one people that have been affected by the Snap appear. 

“Oh my god, Steve!” You start laughing. Your hand atop your mouth so surprised. “It worked! It worked!” As you saw those you thought you had lost forever you remember that special someone. “Wait then that means...”

As the next portal opens up out comes you husband, Stephen.

You feel as if you are floating as you see him. Feeling his and your presence only in this terrifying war, in this world. Not caring about the battle that is about to begin you and Stephen make eye contact. You see a tear fall from his face as you pick up your cloak and sprint to him. You trip over your cape a couple of times but that does not stop you. As you get closer Stephen runs to you as well and the two of you embrace, you almost tripping him from the force. Stephen clutches onto your head as you rest your face into his chest, sobbing. “I thought I would never see you again. I missed you so much.”

“I know my love, I know,” he kissed your forehead as he rocked you back and forth. “I’m sorry for all the pain that I’ve caused you.”

You held onto him tighter, afraid of letting go. “It doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is that you are here with me.” You felt a tear press against your cheek and you realized it was not yours it was Stephen. You backed away and looked directly at his face. Opening his tear filled eyes, the portals light gleaming against his orbs, he sniffles as he smiles, “...my love...”

You touch his cheeks lightly and bring your forehead against his, “we are one again Stephen.” You two share a kiss that was so passionate and full of love. All those days and nights crying alone were days of the past. You now looked forward to your future. A future with your husband. 

(not mine! do not own!)

You had a grip onto his clothing and you two giggled after the kiss just enjoying each others company. “I love you Mr. Strange.”

“And I love you more Mrs. Strange.”

You two held hands as you all prepared for battle. As husband and wife, the power couple you and Stephen kicked some a*s as you fought for not your life but your husband’s. Vowing that you would never let anything ever happen again to him. 

A life was lost that day. Everyone mourned the loss of Tony and previously Natasha. It was tough, they were everyone's friend. You thanked everyone for the sacrifices they made, without them you wouldn’t be able to have your husband beside you. 

But just as a life was lost another life was born. You sat upon Stephen’s lap as you uttered only a few words that would completely change your lives, “guess what Stephen...I’m pregnant.”

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @dirbel, @eastcoasthaven, @fangirl-4-life415 (wont let me tag), @marwantr, @divaanya, @wassupitschloe, @idontknowwhattocallthisworld (wont let me tag), @spycii, @eminemsgiraffe, @egos-r-life

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[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[topazeuphoria]

A portion of my story

For the sake of being online, I’m going to go by topaz. I think if I share my story online I will be able to share it to the people around me soon. I know I need help and that is why I am writing this. Please, if you have any advice or just want to talk to me, please please do. I really need people by my side right now. please dont be afraid to say something.

 I feel like my life is just a series of phases. Every belief or opinion i have ever had has changed or disappeared at one time or another. Ive gone through a religious phase, a bitch phase, and lots of random small ones as well. This makes everything really hard to decipher whether the person I am today is really me or just a phase or something to “try on”. I don’t want to tell anyone about what is happening to avoid being embarrassed if the issue goes away by its self, and also the issues i’m facing are fucking hard to talk about. these are the things that i don’t think are phases and that i need to share. 

 First off, I’m a closeted lesbian. I had been questioning for a couple of years until I read something that said “normally, straight people don’t question” and that was when I truly considered that being attracted to girls might actually be something thats apart of me, and not just temporary. Being a lesbian in thought isn’t really an issue for me, it’s the being gay in real life that’s hard (hopefully that makes sense). I got a major crush on my best friend (how cliche I know), and my panicky ass decide to just cut her off completely so that my crush on her would disappear. In my head though i assumed that she would start a conversation before she noticed anything was wrong. She didn’t. And that hit me fucking hard. I know that its my fault that i didn’t start up a conversation but thats something she should have done on her own. this seems sort of lame but it hurt to learn that my best friend of 4 years didn’t need me. That thought triggered a whole other line of problems you will read soon. This situation happened a couple of months ago and things are still weird between us. Neither of us talked about what had happened we just pretend that everything is normal, yet we don’t talk as much anymore. its just hard pretending to be friends with someone that you know doesn’t need you. (and incase you were wondering i still have a crush on her lol rip me)

  Next, I have depression. i havent been like actually diagnosed by a doctor but i know i have depression because there is no other way to explain this. I spend days doing nothing, other than staring out the window. I lose my appetite to the point where i dont eat for days at a time. I get massive headaches with no explanation. I cry a lot because i have no one to talk to. i have no one i feel comfortable with. i wish i could remember a time when i did. some days i fake a sickness just so i can skip school to see who will text me and ask where i am (my friend group is pretty tight and when someone isn’t at school, each of us text that person asking them where they are). I never get any texts. no one cares if im their or not. no one cares if i’m alive or dead. which puts me to my next point. 

   I want to kill myself. not in the fake “i’m going to die before this fucking math final omg” way but to the point where i already know how i’m going to do it. the thoughts like “maybe i wont be alive before i have to turn this in”, “who do you think would come to my funeral” or  “what if i’m dead by then” are always in the back of my head. every time i feel like i could be happy something is always telling me i don’t deserve happiness and that it is only temporary. to try to feel something, i started cutting recently. I cut on the tops of my feet, and my wrists but in ways to look like accidents. if someone asked me about them i don’t know what i would say. when i do it i sit in a bathtub and let the blood drain, but not enough to kill me. only enough to turn the water orange and leave me nauseous. (gross im sorry)

my thoughts are so suicidal their is only a few things that are really holding me to the earth and that are the little things. Like how i need to finish Glee before i go, or my favorite artist is releasing a song in a week and i should stay to hear it. i have people i call friends but they dont ever text or call or spend time with me. i pretty much only see them at school and at dance practice. My parents are over protective but dont spend time with me or really know much about me. They care about me but not enough to realize im not okay. ive mentioned the idea that maybe i have depression to my mom but she just gets offended like im doing this to insult her.

Thats pretty much it. If you read all of this please comment or something. the little things matter. I know I need help, thats why im doing this. 

(also ive already called and texted the suicide prevention line but they kinda just made me feel like i was being over dramatic)