#and again considering how depressing his birthdays were for a while... yeah...

[kaeyachi]

Guess who had a realization and just combed thru all birthday voicelines to confirm something.

Nearly all characters mentions birthday and/or wanting to give a gift in their own way for the traveler, except for 1 character.

Kaeya, who had one of the shortest lines for birthdays, simply mentions that the day is worth celebrating... and that he hopes the day would bring you true happiness.

Considering how Diluc's 18th birthday ended, and how Kaeya, from his 18th, till his 2021 letter to us, spent his birthdays in a lonely and depressed state, this short but sweet birthday message for us holds so much more value than what many expect.

[cheriladycl01]

Pushed Down and Down - Grid x Driver! Reader Part 2

Plot: Suffering with mental health issues as a driver isn’t easy - but when people actively don’t help it can only get worse.

Based on that one tiktok edit sound.

A/N: as someone who struggles with her own mental health this was a true comfort for me to write and reread. Drivers who talk about their mental health and how they do struggle literally have my whole heart (Lando, Lewis etc)

Warnings: Talk of mental health, depression, anxiety, etc, all drivers are a little mean to Y/N

"Hey Y/N this is just me checking up on you as we haven't heard much from you for a while! I just wanted to maybe catch up if you're in Monaco anytime soon? Quadrant have done really well, and we were wondering if maybe you wanted to join as one of the athletes, we've got loads of stuff planned and ... yeah! Just call me when you get a chance okay?" Lando's voicemail plays on your phone outloud.

You'd spent most of the off season at home, training, getting better, spending time on the sim. You had rarely seen your family or friends and everyone was worried.

Your mum and Lando had been in contact with one another, Lando being the first one to reach out when he hadn't heard from you over Christmas like he normally did. But then you didn't reply to his birthday message to you at the start of January and he just felt like something was off.

"See baby, they care for you" your mum says, sat on the edge of your bed running her fingers through your hair. Today was a bad day, where you'd seen loads of driver changes. It was lucky really that you still had your seat with Red Bull and you didn't have to worry about the 2025 season.

You were worried Christian was going to make you leave the team, considering that Red Bull didn't win the constructor's championship last year. You thought he'd replace you with a rookie that loads of teams had offered to come in the places of experienced drivers.

Lando was incredibly close to being the world champion last year, and part of you hoped as you got to the last few races that maybe he would, but as it got closer and closer and you were forced to hold position to save both the contructors and drivers championship which in turn left you with some races out the points and stuck behind drivers a lap behind you.

"Of course he does mum..." you sigh. You'd been crying in bed all day and the voicemail left by Lando had been the only thing to make you reach out to your mum for help.

"Come on lets get you out of this bed, god knows whats growing in their" you mum jokes as she looks at the state of your tear stained face and messy hair.

"Mmmhm" you say as she helps you out of the bed you'd been in for god knows how long. She helps you into the bathroom where she leaves you to shower while she cleans up the bedroom a little bit. She waits outside the bathroom, despite hearing things no mother ever wants to hear.

Your sobs came from the bathroom, loud and clear and your mum's heart broke for you. Your dad was always the one that was a little more soft, he was the one you feld to when your first boyfriend broke up with you. Or when you failed a test at school. And now he wasn't here.

Your mum was obviously a caring woman but she never held the bond with you that you and your dad did. You guys got closer after he died but sometimes you just needed the man who called you Pickle.

"Baby" she says with sadness written all over her face as you eventually step out the bathroom all clean and washed.

You slop into her, hugging her tightly as you cry into her.

"Baby, you arent okay! You're destroying yourself in this career! Where's my happy little girl who always had a Stracciatella Ice-Cream after every karting race huh?" she says hugging you just as tightly.

"I don't know!" you sob, feeling lost and like you didn't really know what you were doing anymore.

"I think, I don't think just the journal is working anymore sweetheart. I think we need to get you back with professional help, with a therapist" she says and you nod, still crying into her.

She sits there with you for a while before you feel her texting on her phone. You look up to see her texting your old therapist asking if you can start coming back.

"So... how do you feel going into the 2025 season? Confident, Nervous, maybe some Resentment?" the therapist asks notepad in hand.

"I don't really feel anything anymore ..." you admit, curled up on the armchair clutching the pillow.

"Mmmmm, so you don't enjoy racing anymore?" she asks cocking her head to the side.

"Not when my team don't think im good enough" you admit.

"Is it that they don't think you're good enough or is it that they trust the driver whose worked behind them for 5+ years?" she asks and you shake your head angrily.

"Look at Oscar and Lando, Oscar's given equal fights last year and it was his second year! Other teams do it so why not mine. It's not fair, it makes me feel like shit and to top it all off, i get blamed for it all" you burst out, standing up of the chair.

"Lets just calm down" she said to you, making you nod an apologise for your actions before sitting down.

"From what i've seen your driving is incredible and you're a great team player, why don't you wait around and see what options come to you this year? Just enjoy it, you have a seat, find the joy in racing again, even if its not against Max... there's 18 other drivers to race against. This is your career, there's going to be peaks and troughs that life, but find why you enjoyed racing in the first place"

So you did.

"Hey Lando, I'm in Monaco and want to hear all about Quadrant. Fancy a Coffee?" you left him a voicemail before going cleaning up your Monaco apartment you hadnt been to in months.

Taglist:

@littlebitchsposts @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @daemyratwst @lauralarsen @the-untamed-soul @thewulf @itsjustkhaos @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @summissss @gulphulp @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhhhh @georgeparisole @youcannotcancelquidditch @tallbrownhairsarcastic @ourteenagetragedy @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @curseofhecate @alliwantisadonut @dark-night-sky-99 @i-wish-this-was-me @tallrock35 @butterfly-lover @barnestatic @landossainz @darleneslane @barcelonaloverf1life @r0nnsblog @ilove-tswizzle @laneyspaulding19 @malynn @landosgirlxoxo @marie0v @yourbane @teamnovalak @nikfigueiredo @fionaschicken @0picels0 @tinydeskwriter @ironmaiden1313 @splaterparty0-0 @formula1mount

[badkitty3000]

What did you think was ooc for Five?

Great question, and I have already covered it a bit in my post here, but I could probably yammer on all day about it, so I'll add some thoughts.

Season 1 -3 Five was focused, determined, manic, arrogant, sometimes mean, violent, out-spoken, and full of love for his family above all. Yes, he insulted them and had no time or patience for their shit, but considering everything he'd been through and what he was up against, there was a reason for it. Season 4 Five? Ok, yeah, I can buy that maybe he was depressed and didn't really know what to do with himself anymore. Myself and others have certainly written him that way a few times. But, damn, he spent like all of season 3 bitching about wanting to be retired and here he could be! He could have played the stock market a few times, bought a little place somewhere, picked up a nice lady at the local Bingo hall and lived his peaceful live he deserved. Instead, he works (inexplicably) for the government and just wanders around with his sad little trenchcoat and CIA-issued pistol and flashlight, taking orders from The Man and just...existing I guess. I could see if they made it so that he joined the CIA to get inside info on Reginald and he had spent the last 6 years quietly plotting to take him down and get his revenge or set the world straight again. But no...he apparently hadn't even tried to look into anything Reggie was doing? Like he was just "*shrug*, it's probably fine".

Five loves his family above all else. We know this. If not, he wouldn't have spent decades alone fighting to get back to them and save all their stupid asses. Now, all of sudden, he just doesn't seem to care? Yes, he's present and has obviously kept in touch. He goes to the birthday party, etc. But there is zero interaction with Klaus, or his nieces, or even Viktor. When at the end, he finally gets some fight back (although for completely absurd reasons) and snaps at Luther, the whole family gasps in shock like this is some new occurence that Five would be mean to them. And he'd said much worse to them before! So, that leads me to believe he just has spent the last 6 years being a completely different person and everyone forgot he's actually an asshole?

And back to the family thing...fighting his brother over his wife? Falling in love with Lila, the same person who: conspired behind his and Diego's back in Season 2, was raised by his villainous boss, was the daughter of two innocent people he killed, tried to kill him with her fists, a frying pan, her feet, a knife, electrocution; and who he tried to kill multiple times as well. Yes, they have had time to heal some wounds and they have a shared traumatic experience with The Handler but come on...he would never! He would never be attracted to her that way. He would never betray Diego that way. And he certainly wouldn't fight him over her, not when she and Diego are married and have kids together. I don't care how many years they were together alone...just no. Best friends? Sure. Lovers? Fuck no.

Physically, where was his prowess? Five is supposed to be the all-time badass assassin, trained in martial arts and weaponry. His body is young at 19-20 years old, and at the peak of his physical fitness. Even without his powers he should be able to kick some ass, or at least try to. And then when he does have his powers, he just doesn't know how to use them correctly anymore? And again, he looks slow and weak in a fight. His solution to taking down the big Bennifer blob thing was to fire an entire clip at long range at it, and then just go "huh...weird that didn't work". Why wasn't he looking around the mall for a weapon? An axe? Something else to fight against it! That's what he does...that's his THING! We were fucking robbed of a Five-centric badass fight scene, when there were so many opportunities for one. Hell, he could have taken down a room full of Keepers with a fucking ballpoint pen while singing along to Abba's Dancing Queen! Why didn't we get that?

Meeting with Reginald. Remember in Season two when Five met with Reggie at the Tiki bar? He sat and had a drink with him, but it was still tension-filled with a lot of emotion there. Then in Season 3, when he was basically like "you're a sadistic lunatic that is going to kill all of us" and got right in his old man's face and told him he was a giant dick? This time...he's just standing around Reggie's house shooting the shit and not even acting like he's mad. That is just not the same guy. I realize this was supposed to be Viktor's fight with Reggie, but they still could have shown Five to have a little emotion there.

So, there you have it. I could probably keep going, but this is way too long as it is. It's just heartbreaking, really. This character that we have all come to love for all of his complexities and faults and heroics was just diminished to a one-dimensional, uninteresting character with no regard for his family. Basically, just undoing three season's worth of plot and character development. And it's not Aidan's fault. He did the best he could with the shit he was given, and I feel sorry for him. For as much as we love this character, Five was his. He made him come to life and there's not many other actors his age that could have pulled that off. So, I'm sad this was his end. They really did him dirty.

[prettyboykatsuki]

king what happened in the dream

it was so sad and not very sexy. a lot happened in it??? i think some of it was influenced by me reading my draft last night

whatever the case may be like. the premise was that i was coming home from some conference and was at like. a secret base that looked like an elementary classroom

there was a door in said classroom that led to somewhere else. not necessarily another dimension but a door that could take you anywhere

anyway for some reason sylus was like. in the doorway i guess. and people were trying to figure some out related to him and people were just discussing him like chattering

the main premise of the dream was basically that the reason i kept getting incredibly sick around sylus was because whenever we touched he would basically like. sap the heat from me. it was so detailed in explanation and it was happening during his birthday.

i like . put my hand to his chest like where fhe yk. the stone in his in his dragon design (he was just Normal sylus tho) and i think he like. physically felt it and it was just so soul crushing like he looked completely devestated by the whole thing. like the realization dawning on him that there was something physically seperating us

it was so sad even thinking about it is making me sad i was like WHAT THE FUCK? also like. up until then while my dream was VAUGELY using my face i was just a replacement for mc but it felt like my dream self gained awareness and it was suddenly me forreal

anyways like. we were gonna go to his house i think for his birthday but he like physically left. like basically ran away and i had to chase him into an elevator

and he like had his hand over his chest it was insane and soul crushing like he just looked so wet dog kicked in the rain and my dream self was very tactlessly making connections about it. i don’t think it was to hurt his feelings but girl… the timing

anyways we go back to his apartment and this was the most insane part but his like partner was there. it was a woman and she kinda looked like a famous actress i think ? i don’t remember her name though

SO I WAS LIKE ? third wheeling i guess for his birthday and it was just so tense for some reason. so much happened after that?? like i felt like i was watching over them in a l way. dream self like cut fruit for sylus and tried to keep things lighthearted but it was just WEIRD

somehow we ended up watching a movie and it was during this movie my dream self learned in universe lore . about how i had like. someone else. or i loved someone else in essence i think. but i think that person like recently died and i still was not considering anything or anyone else.

i guess it got too weird cause i also learned sylus’ dream fake partner was just for show cause she LEFT DURING THE MOVIE??????

we finished the movie and i was like. here. we were at like a dining room table and it was just like 2 separate pieces of cake. this part was SO FUCKING VIVID IT WAS SO WEIRD. but it was two different pieces from the same like. bright green cake. it had round sprinkles and looked like cheesecake to me almost?

at one point sylus pushed them together and said “it’s almost like a whole cake” and it was very obviously a depressing ass metaphor for whatever the fuck was going Between dream self and it was an enormous mess

i think the dream basically ended like. after i sang happy birthday dream self felt too ??? sad about the whole affair and basically was like. i don’t want to unfairly compare you to him (vague ex) but i also don’t really want to see you suffer

and so he was like. well let’s just have sex. which he looked incredibly depressed about again the tone of the dream was so miserable. and my dream self was like are you sure? and he just said yeah

the sex in my dream was not very graphic. it was in a dark room and kind of intensely soul crushing 😭😭😭 AND THEN IT JUST ENDED THERE???????? AND I WOKE UP IN SHOCK?????????

[slayer537]

Smile

When I was thinking about what to write for Kira's birthday letter this year, I came across a nostalgic fave song called "Smile" by Avril Lavigne. I didn't realize how this song would be like our theme song, or at least a song that I would sing for Kira to show how much he means to me, just like how "Dazzling darling" is Kira singing to me. So I wanted to explain how the lyrics relate us so much!

You know that I'm a crazy bitch I do what I want when I feel like it All I wanna do is lose control Oh, oh

I don't consider myself to be that crazy, but I do feel at times I can get really obsessed about my interests, or can do stuff that's not "normal."

But you don't really give a shit You go with it, go with it, go with it 'Cause you're fucking crazy rock-n-roll

Kira is the type of person to accept me for who I am. He'll even try to go along with me and I'll be so shocked he'll be okay with it. Maybe he also has the same tendencies lol. But that's why I feel so comfortable yume-ing him because I know Kira wouldn't judge me and would continue supporting me.

You said, Hey What's your name? It took one look And now we're not the same Yeah, you said, Hey And since that day You stole my heart And you're the one to blame (Yeah)

I imagine the time he would greet me would be either in my yume lore when he meets me at the rabbit cafe, or when I first heard his solo "Dazzling darling." That day when I heard his song, I really liked it and went to check the lyrics. I was sooo surprised that Kira was able to write them and it changed my whole view of him. It was that day when my Utapri journey changed for the better.

And that's why I smile It's been a while Since every day and everything has Felt this right And now you turn it all around And suddenly you're all I need The reason why I-I-I I smi-i-ile

Before I met Kira and Utapri, I've had a really depressing time during high school and college. There would be several days where I just had no reason to be happy. Why be happy when I knew sooner or later I would be yelled at again? The lack of sleep also affected my emotions too. It wasn't until I met Kira that I felt genuine happiness and had a reason to live (I had other reasons too but they were related to anime as well). This may seem dumb but it was that moment when they announced HEAVENS finally having a collab event, or just an event in genera, to celebrate their birthdays: Cafe Paradise Star. Kira's birthday was during the last part of the rotation and I said to myself that I wanted to continue living just so I can get that acrylic stand. And that's when I realized how much he's affected me. Now that event has passed, there are more future events that I want to continue living for just to see Kira shine.

The rest of the song is mostly repeats. The second verse is less relatable since I don't drink nor have tattoos. But I still love this song!

I think Kira would be surprised I like some pop punk songs like these, especially by Avril, based on the vibe I give off. But I love listening to them since middle school lol. I imagine myself being shy and worried what Kira would think of me, but he would of course be okay with whatever I like. (Why else would he be wearing that LE anniversary style outfit? lol he went all out for me.)

Thank you, Kira, for making me smile even when I'm still at my lowest. Thank you for making me your dazzling darling.

And thank you for reading this! 💙💜

[green5quirrel]

Ugh. I'm bored.

I'm just gonna write some shit.

It's like "Morning Pages" except circa late 90's early 2000's Livejournal/OpenDiary style. So bear with me.

I've just updated my Bullet Journal. Even typing that makes me cringe. What would 20-something year old me think of a bullet journal? What would 20-something year old I don't fit in any boxes so don't try to put me in one think of writing on grid paper? I mean...it's ALL boxes, isn't it?

But this is my life, now. I write in Bullet Journals. I wear cardigans. I claw my way through the Artist's Way carefully excising the presence of religion. I don't have boobs (or nipples). Let's just say a lot of things have changed in the past two decades.

I go to this amazing little queer coffee house. I use the word "queer" unironically and also use it for myself. I go to this amazing little queer coffee house with its fairies dangling from fishing wire on the ceiling (like, doll fairies not the slur). These plastic folks are mostly Barbie dolls made to look like fairies and sway in the breeze of people walking by amid the lines of faux Edison bulb string lights and pride flag garland.

I go there every Wednesday. I meet up with a bunch of folks (folx? I dunno the current accepted spelling these days) and we do an iteration of Stitch and Bitch. Today I worked on my fanfiction.

After I left the café I went to an Ace Hardware store. I went there because I am an adult and uncool and also because I am working to get into clock repair as a hobby and had been there last week to pick up some tools that were not clock specific.

I met a 61 year old man called Bill there last week. He excitedly chatted to me about the clocks he'd inherited and sold and those he had kept. He has a mantel clock and wanted me to take a look at it. I declined. And I declined again after he insisted. I've not even cracked open a clock and taken out a movement. There's no way I'm working on a family heirloom.

He'll show me the picture of the clock next week as he wasn't able to get over there to take it on account of it being someone's birthday (his business partner's?). Bill shares his life like a person shares Halloween candy in a big plastic bowl on the first of November.

He likes my name. But he still refers to me as a girl. But he also treats me like he's excited to see me even though we've only met twice.

Bill once got paid a few thousand dollars to do some landscaping for a rich person and a few hundred to put in a tree. So, yeah, I consider those two things like tootsie rolls. The chocolate bars are when he talks about his family and how he supports them and his childhood in a watch shop with his dad while a parade of circus animals passes by.

At any rate, after I talked to Bill I went to an antique's mall nearby and scoured the shelves for anything that would be beneficial to my clock repair goals. I didn't find anything today, but that's okay. I'll go back in a couple of weeks.

I am struggling a little right now. So lemme give you all some quality Halloween candy, if you don't mind.

In 2020 my mom died of liver cancer. I had moved back to my hometown to help her and when she started to decline I decided that as soon as she had passed and I had come to terms with it I would move on and explore my options of where to live next.

In 2020 there weren't any options. There continued to not be options for a while after that. Now, as time has finally started to even out and pass like it's supposed to pass, instead of the slow/fast/manic/depressive pace it went through during the pandemic, I am suddenly left with possibility. And that is scary.

I have a partner in Canada who works in Michigan. So there is a thought to move there. But I'm not sure how my mood will go with the rain and cold. Still, Michigan seems safer than here below the Mason Dixon line.

Currently, in this moment, I am struggling not only with motivation and courage but also with working retail when my brain wants anything but to work in the toxic environment of the needy and the entitled.

I have no energy to be creative and my clock repair hobby is also crawling because of that lack of energy. I don't know how I used to do it. How did I sustain myself while expending so much time and energy on a job like this? It wasn't drugs. I wasn't cool enough for that. It must've been joy to some degree. Youth, certainly. Perhaps hope. Perhaps ignorance/naivety. Whatever it was I definitely don't have it anymore.

Was this meant to be an entry to whine in? No. It wasn't meant to be anything. It wasn't meant to be pithy or amusing or witty or motivational. It was meant to be an entry for boredom and reflect. So there it is. I've done it. I've succeeded.

Now to sacrifice myself to the fatigue that has been insisting on attention for an hour now and draw myself a warm blanket to lie in and drown in my dreams.

[the-west-meadow]

When He’s Gone

Roman Roy x Reader

tw: angst, mentions of abuse, mentions of future parent death

In the days after Kendall’s birthday party, you didn’t hear a word out of Roman. It was still early in your relationship, but the strange silence was unsettling. Something must have happened, you thought, and you weren’t sure what to expect when you did finally hear from Roman. For now, you gave him the space he needed in order to process whatever had happened.

He showed up at your apartment late one afternoon without warning. He stood at the door with hands in the pockets of his light blue chinos, wearing a plain black t-shirt and sneakers in the warm evening.

“Bet you thought I split town,” he said, slipping past you into your apartment.

“No, but I was starting to think Kendall’s party had never really ended.”

He let out a short laugh. “I can’t think of a worse version of hell.”

He collapsed onto your sofa, legs dangling over the arm.

“So how was it?” you asked, sitting at the other end.

“Consider yourself lucky you couldn’t go.” He sat up, facing you with crossed legs. “Imagine Kendall running around in a Gucci bomber jacket trying to get Connor to take off his coat all night. Then let it repeat endlessly. That was pretty much it.”

“Sounds fucking depressing.”

“If you think that’s depressing, you should have heard the fun conversation I had with Lukas Matsson.”

“Shit, was it bad?”

“It was fine. I mean, the business part was fine. But he said something else that was weird.”

He stood up and began pacing the room, running one hand through his hair.

“He straight up asked me when my dad was going to die.”

He cleared his throat abruptly, unable to go on. He swiped at his hair again and glanced at you.

“So that was a fun thought.”

“Yeah, not something you want to think about.”

“But why the hell would he ask me about it?”

“Well, that guy’s a sociopath. But a lot of people are wondering.”

“See, I don’t get that. I know for a fact that my dad physically can’t die. Nothing can break the old bastard.”

He stopped again, staring off with his lips parted slightly, quivering.

“Oh, fuck. Fuck no.” He swiped at his eyes with his sleeve. “You never saw this. This isn’t happening.”

He turned away from you, but you could see his shoulders shaking. You started to get up, but stayed where you were, helpless.

“Roman…”

When he turned around, tears flowed freely down his face.

“Of course he’s going to die. Who the fuck am I kidding? I’m just fucking terrified.”

He curled into an armchair by the window, arms wrapped around his knees.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do when he’s gone. I don’t hate him like Kendall does. Kendall decided he couldn’t love someone who hurt him. But I can. I fucking love the man.”

“Of course you do,” you said gently. “He’s bigger than life.”

“He hit me. I mean, he hits me. Present tense. A few months ago, he backhanded me so hard it knocked my tooth out. Why do I love someone like that?”

“Because he’s your dad.”

He ran both hands over his face, then drew them roughly through his hair. “Motherfucker. This isn’t like me. I don’t talk about shit.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But that’s the thing. I want to, but no one’s there to listen.”

He glanced at you, his brown eyes turning golden in the sun.

“No one but you.”

He grew quiet, composing himself. The late afternoon light streamed over him as he rested his chin on his hand.

“I bet you don’t know anyone as fucked up as me,” he said after a while.

“No, I don’t think so.”

He smiled faintly. “Now that you’ve seen me cry, want to tell me your deepest, darkest fears?”

“Please don’t make me.”

Roman uncurled from the chair and stood up. He walked behind the sofa, put both hands on your shoulders, and kissed the top of your head.

“In case you didn’t already know,” he murmured, “I won’t be a normal boyfriend.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be,” you said.

You felt his hands slide from your shoulders, and heard his light footsteps heading for the door.

“Next time, we’ll talk about your daddy issues,” he said. 

You turned around to look at him. His eyes were slightly red, his hair disheveled, but there was a crooked grin on his face.

“Don’t deny it,” he went on. “It’s all over you.”

With that, he kissed the tips of his fingers lightly, aimed them at you, and slipped out the door.

He was gone, leaving you alone in the fading afternoon light without a trace. But you knew, somehow, that he would be back.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Howdy! Would it be possible to request for a BlueyCapsules Phil x male reader birthday oneshot? Today is his birthday and all and I was thinking about how cute it would be for him and the reader to celebrate it together with the reader throwing him a surprise party at the pizzeria! Kinda like how Dave tried to do but this time a wee bit more successful hehe

"Hey, you know what I realized?”

“Nah what?”

“Isn’t tomorrow Phil’s birthday?"

“...ohhhhh yeah that’s right!” Jeremy grinned as he patted Mangle’s head, his eyes practically shimmering. “Let’s throw him an awesome party! It’ll be a kickass celebration! Better than anything Dave could've pulled off!”

You nodded eagerly, being certain this will lift the manager's spirits.

Lately you noticed that he hasn’t been himself. Ever since Dave suddenly disappeared, he just seemed more depressed and absorbed in his work. You could tell he desperately needed some kind of pick-me-up.

A birthday party was definitely the way to do it. Considering he called all of you to stay after-hours for a meeting tomorrow, there was no better opportunity to show your appreciation.

Soon Jeremy zipped off to tell the news to Joan and Fritz, and you and Mangle recruited the other Toys in getting the party favors ready.

The last few kids just left, so while you were cleaning up the mess, the animatronics went to retrieve extra banners and streamers. They had to sneak around Philip and act like they were on a “secret mission”, not saying a word even when he asked what was going on. 

Clearly they were excited as you and hid the supplies behind their stage after retrieving them. So you powered them all down for the evening before clocking out.

Once you got home, you realized you got some decent tips from guests today. More than you’ve ever gotten here in a long time.

You smiled brightly, knowing exactly what you were going to spend them on.

.........

Philip dreaded going into work today.

He’d rather stay home watching romcoms than deal with the hefty paperwork that was surely awaiting him.

That and the absence of Dave.

While he was quite the..oddball, he kinda missed walking in on some kind of scuffle between him and Jeremy, or hearing one of his crazy “back in Texas” stories. They never made much sense...but all that aside, he thought he genuinely gained a friend.

Then the blonde just up and vanished. No notice or anything.

To this day, Philip had no idea if he did something wrong. It kept him up a few nights, and still bothered him while he sat alone in his office, with nothing but his thoughts.

But you noticed and were there to cheer him up, comforting him when he expressed his distraught.

Life in general had become extremely rough for him lately, especially after two certain workers botched his blind date and he called you, ranting about how angry it made him, why they couldn’t be more like you, etc. He found himself closing off those walls of his again, wanting to give up on his love life.

Yet you began changing his mind.

You were so understanding and patient, hanging out at his place to watch anime and mindlessly chat. Just to take his mind off of the embarrassment of that night.

After that, it’s safe to say you two have become close friends--above the level of friendship he once had with Dave.

Yet..he held himself back, keeping talks with you relatively professional when at work. He didn’t wanna get too attached and risk going through that kind of hurt all over again.

When he entered the pizzeria, nothing chaotic was going on. It was a relatively quiet morning for once. Besides the few kids and their parents roaming around and talking loudly, there were no animatronic breakdowns or anything out of the ordinary.

That put his mind to ease a little as he headed for his office, hoping it stays that way. But there was no guarantee the peace would last even a minute.

He wasn’t looking forward to chewing out some of his employees for..recent behaviors and recording instruction tapes for future night guards.

But at least you will be there; maybe then he won’t explode like before.

As soon as his office door slammed shut, you emerged from hiding and gave your coworkers and the animatronics a thumbs-up. They grinned in reply.

It was almost time for the party.

........

“Phillip? Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure.” Taking off his glasses to rub his tired eyes, Phil yawned as he saw you enter the office, holding a small bag of some kind. The paperwork was more strenuous than he thought. He barely got through half a stack. “What do you need?”

“To wish you a happy birthday, of course.” You chuckled, setting the present on his desk. 

For a moment he stared at it stupidly, before finally realizing what today was and groaning, leaning back in his chair. “Shit..that’s right..my birthday. Must’ve forgot all about it.” He rubbed his forehead.

“Hey it’s understandable.” You took a seat in the opposite chair, leaning forward with your hands clasped together in eagerness. “Instead of moping about it, why not open your gift?”

“Alright, I’ll check it out. Thank you for...for....” But as he opened the bag up, all traces of exhaustion seemed to leave his face as he gasped at the contents. “This is...i-is this...I’ve been searching for this series my whole life! Couldn’t find it anywhere!”

He took out a manga series collection, wrapped in plastic. You swore there were sparkles in his eyes as he stared at the cover, mouth agape, before he looked back up at you in amazement.

As you recalled, he wouldn’t shut up about this one anime series he was hooked on. So you went searching for merchandise and ended up finding this bundle. 

A bit pricey, yes, but his reaction made it worth every cent you paid.

“This is...! Ahem..” Clearing his throat, he regained his composure and set down the manga, looking at you with a cool expression. “Th-Thank you for the gift, [y/n]. That’s very kind of you. Do the others...?”

You shrugged, though you suddenly heard loud party music coming from outside, before it was quickly turned down.

“What was that?” His eyebrows furrowed.

‘Shit..’ You tried to think up a lie to cover your idiot coworkers’ asses.

“Maybe a speaker’s blown-”

“What?! We just had them repaired! And I docked it from Mr. Fitzgerald’s pay since he spilled his slushie all over it!!” With gritted teeth, he stood up and started heading out of the office, with you in tow. “If it’s broken, then we can’t use it tomorrow, and if we can’t use it tomorrow we get complaints! And if we get complaints-!!”

“Phil! Wait!!” You stood in front of him, trying to calm the red-eyed seething man. “Nothing’s broken. We were just planning something for you. Don’t be mad at them, it was all my idea.”

“...you were planning something for me?” His shoulders relaxed a bit as he blinked in surprise. “So they didn’t break anything?”

“No, or at least I hope not."

“Can this “plan” wait? We do have a meeting-”

“Screw it, c’mon.” Grabbing his hand, you dragged him to the party room where jazz music was playing softly. You missed the way his face burned up, growing nearly as red as his “hair horns”.

“[Y/n], I-I’m warning you now I’m not in the mood for any crazy celebra-”

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. GUY!!”

The moment you both arrived, a chorus of “happy birthdays” rang through the air from all the employees. Mangle was raining confetti down from their spot on the ceiling, and Freddy, Bonnie, and Chica blew the kazoos in their mouths.

Philip was stunned as he looked around, his eyes landing on the food table that held some gifts and a bowl of punch. He felt a pit in his stomach.

All he could envision was a disastrous repeat of-

“It’s not spiked, don’t worry. This is an alcohol-free party.” You patted his shoulder, derailing his train of thought. Jeremy’s groan was audible, though Philip just looked to you, flustered.

“Th-This was...your idea?”

“Yeah! You deserve a celebration that doesn’t involve any crazy shit. This is all for you, chief.” You winked.

He didn’t know what to say. This was such a sweet gesture from you; even when he had forgotten his own birthday...you stepped up and decided to put all of this together for him.

It made him..happy.

God, when was the last time he was genuinely happy here?

“Mr. Guy..is that just dust in your eye or you gettin’ a little mushy on us?” Jeremy snickered, pointing out the way his boss hastily wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“N-No. Just dust. I promise.” Sniffling, Philip fixed his glasses and sighed. For once he didn’t get ticked off at the mispronunciation of his name. “Fine. I guess I’ll postpone the meeting and give you all a break.”

“That’s the spirit.” You laughed as you patted his back. “Let the celebration commence!”

As everyone scattered to chow down on greasy leftover pizza and slushies, or just talk amongst themselves, you and Philip sat at one of the tables together, drinking punch and talking about the day.

“So..you finished all our schedules for this week but somehow still forgot your birthday, huh?” You teased.

“Try micromanaging every little damn thing here and you’ll start to forget a lot of stuff.” He lightly scoffed, watching Balloon Boy trying (and failing) to make a phone-shaped balloon.

It lowkey looked like an eggplant, making you snort with amusement.

“Yeah, I guess that can happen. But even you gotta learn your limits, Mr. Manager. This place isn’t gonna collapse overnight.”

“You never know..” With a weary sigh, he looked back at you with a tiny smile. “I-I really do appreciate this, [y/n]. The others might be a pain in my ass but you make ‘em work together just fine. Maybe I should leave you in charge tomorrow while I go fishing.”

He was only half-joking, but your eyes lit up at the idea. Though in that moment another one sprung into your mind.

“Actually, I was wondering if I could join you? I know celebrating your birthday at work isn’t..ideal, so maybe we can do something fun.” You leaned your elbow on the table, propping your chin up with one hand, and smirked. “Just us two.”

Philip nearly sputtered out some of his punch. “U-Us? Oh..I would..um..love that.” Christ, you knew just how to get him tongue-tied. “But say, do you happen to..a-also like that anime too or did you just buy the manga for me?”

“I like it, too. We can always chill and catch up on episodes if the weather’s crappy.”

“That’s..a good idea, too.”

Meanwhile in the opposite corner of the room, Fritz and Jeremy noticed you and Philip talking and smiling, genuinely comfortable in each other’s presence. It was sweet. Like the start of one of those cheesy romcoms their boss adored playing out right in front of them.

They exchanged glances, with their knowing grins widening until Joan appeared behind them and cleared her throat, causing them to freeze up.

“No. We’re not interfering this time.”

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Someone Else^

7k words of angst. Sorryyyy. Complicity has me in a depression 🤷🏻‍♀️

Based off of THIS SONG

When Harry first heard the news he didn’t believe it; he believed it was just another LaLa Land rumor. Y/N seeing someone? She had just been so skeptical of dating after her last relationship and he was set on showing her that there was still hope. He wanted to be the one to change that experience for her. Then there was a photo on her private stories. She had spent the holidays out of town. As in, not with her parents. She was in Vail learning how to ski. He was obsessing over when she would be posting again. Then there was a NYE post, that’s the one that put a dagger through his heart because it was finally confirmation of what he feared was happening. The person he was in love with was with somebody else. It was a short video of her smiling with this mystery guy and then their lips meeting briefly ending with a giggle before it blurred to a stop. It could have just been a friend. He considered that, but then he saw that his arms were wrapped around her waist in the video and that she leaned into the kiss. He watched it over and over to let the hurt really sink in.

After asking a few friends it was confirmed that while he was off touring and wrapping up other projects Y/N had been dating someone. Apparently since March. Had they not spoken in that long? Since his birthday? She had tried calling him and he remembers he was busy filming and wasn’t able to connect with her. She left a voicemail and he had meant to text her back saying thanks but he sort of forgot and that was that. His work duties were rerouting him to LA again and he just needed to take the time and catch up with her. He needed to see just how serious this was.

***********

Y/N was a bit surprised when she saw a text from Harry. She hadn’t heard from him in over a year. And even if he was reaching out now, seeing his words on her screen made her heart thump in her chest and a lump to form in her throat. It hurt, just how casual his message was as if it hadn’t been ages since he’d spoken to her. Ages since he extinguished the flame that had been burning steadily between them.

“Hey,” She heard and snapped her head up to meet her friend, Lily’s blue eyes swimming with concern. She completely forgot she was in public. “Is everything OK?” She asked and Y/N blinked a few times before glancing back down to her phone. She had only checked it over their lunch because she was anxiously waiting to hear about a part she auditioned for and had hoped it was that. “Did you not get it?” She asked quietly and Y/N was still processing his words, brows furrowing as she analyzed every single one.

“Ummm, excuse me?” They both heard and turned to the end of their booth to see a young man, he looked about 19 and was looking nervous as hell. He breathed out shakily when they both acknowledged him, “I don’t mean to be rude and just walk into your lunch but I’m a huge fan of your music-” he looked to Lily, “And my boyfriend loves you.” He explained, focusing on Y/N now, “Your films, projects, you’re like his fashion icon.” He said and Y/N smiled lightly, “Could I bug you guys for a picture and maybe a little note or something for him?” He asked nervously.

“Yeah, of course.” Y/N assured and Lily smiled at him.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” He sighed through a chuckle of relief. Despite the hurt and turmoil she was feeling Y/N smiled as brightly and genuinely as possible as he took his selfie. “Do you guys like it? I don’t want to post it if you don’t like it.” He said showing them the picture and they both assured him it was fine. Lily just asked him to post later on so that they wouldn’t get swarmed as they tried to have a chill day, which he agreed he’d do.

“Ummm, do you have something for me to sign or write on?” Y/N asked and he patted his pockets and frowned.

“No, sorry…” he said and she bit her lip.

“Actually, m’pretty sure my journal is in here…” she said reaching for her bag, she reached into her tote and felt around and pulled out the journal. When she saw it she felt the lump return to its spot in her throat. Harry gifted her this journal for Christmas in 2020. Her initials were engraved in the corner. Lily noticed that she was kind of getting stuck again and started asking the kid his name and some other basic things as Y/N paged through the little book and found a blank one. She tore the page closer to the top, leaving the header up top.

“Y’said your name is Josh?” The boy nodded, “and your boyfriend?” She asked looking at him, “Cameron.” He said and she smiled and wrote that down on the header that was still attached to the journal with the location and date, “Just so I don’t forget why it’s missing.” She smiled and he did as well. She then took the part of the page she tore out and asked Josh about Cameron, about what his goals were and what a good message for him would be.

“You can write it out to “Cam”, he’d like that a lot more.” He said when she prepared herself to write the note. She nodded and wrote out a thoughtful and sweet note. As she was finishing it up she soon realized that she had written out ‘always TPWK’ before signing her name.

Harry was definitely on her mind. Most of the times she had been approached she had been with Harry and he always had her do the notes as he posed for photos and he had her sign off with ‘always TPWK’ before signing her name and then he’d sign his and whoever else they were with when they got stopped. It was a force of habit. It was something she hadn’t done in a while. She just ignored the irritation she felt towards herself and handed Josh the piece of paper.

Josh was thanking them profusely and soon hurrying back to the pick up counter at the cafe they were in once they called out his name to grab his order. He left them with a smile and a wave and they returned the gesture before Y/N let out a shaky breath.

“What’s the matter?” Lily asked worriedly and Y/N looked up at her friend and reached for her phone, opening it up to the message that still sat there on her screen.

“Hey, it’s been a while. I’m back in LA for a bit. Let’s catch up soon.” She read the message softly with a sad smile, her eyes meeting Lily’s, “After all that time… that’s all he has to say to me?” She said with a disappointed tone.

“Harry?” Lily asked in a bit of shock and Y/N nodded, “Well, do you want to talk to him?” She asked and Y/N sighed before locking her phone and dropping it into her tote.

“I genuinely don’t know.” She sighed and Lily nodded in understanding.

“Well, take your time deciding. You’ve been doing so well and you’re so happy now, y’know? I mean, love him to death,” she said and Y/N smiled, “but sometimes I wish I hadn’t introduced you two. Specially when I see how it affects you.” Lily said.

“And what if I don’t decide before it’s time for him to go back home?” She said and Lily shrugged.

“S’not like he didn’t leave you without a response either, so fuck it.” Lily stated bluntly.

“True.” Y/N sighed, “Let’s ummm, pay and get out of here. Really need that facial now.” She huffed and Lily nodded.

**********

It had been two weeks and Y/N had not answered his text. Harry was angry and hurt that she hadn’t even bothered with a response. He was leaving in a week and he had already mentally prepared himself to not see her, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Things had been so good last year. Or well, it had been two years ago actually. The world was on pause - even their world, which seemed extremely unlikely but given the circumstances, it also stopped - and they were always together. He was holed up at her house for months. The guest room was his, though he hardly slept in there. The city was dead. Can you believe it? Los Angeles, dead? It was like a fever dream. No traffic when they wanted to just take a drive, empty beaches (they would go a lot and hang out for hours), board games, book clubs, zoom calls with friends and family, getting a quarantine puppy, make overs, face masks, manicures, binging shows, cooking together, day drinking, just drinking actually, karaoke, trying to get her into yoga, lots of take away meals, trying fad diets and tiktok “workouts”, then actually working out together because the fad diets didn’t work. For almost an entire year she was his world. And he was happier than he had been in a long time because he had completely fallen for her. He just closed his eyes as he let his mind travel back to that time.

It was new year’s even and she had invited a small group of their friends over and they all played games, sang karaoke, and drank champagne as they rang in the new year. It felt like their house, not just hers. Everyone was smashed apart from them two because they were playing hosts. Jeffrey was in the middle of an incredible rendition of ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’ as he pointed at Glenne who was laughing her ass off. They were getting married in just two days. He hadn’t seen Y/N in a few minutes so he went to look for her. When he walked upstairs and into her bedroom quietly, he saw her closet light on.

“You in here?” He called and he heard a soft “mmhm” as confirmation.

“Just changing into something more comfy!” She called out and he headed over to her closet, peeking in to see her tugging down the last bit of the tank top she was now in. He smiled at her and she returned the gesture before walking out of the walk-in closet, “C’mon, let’s get back down there. I can’t miss Lily’s turn when she inevitably sings ‘The Bitch is Back’.” She giggled as she made her way to the door.

“Wait.” He said catching her arm and she turned back to him, “I just wanted to say thank you because I mean, I kind of got stuck out here and honestly I was bummed about having to be all alone at my place and you just… made this home for me.” He said and she smiled.

“I’m glad you enjoyed your time with me. I know I can be a little annoying of a roommate but-”

“Not annoying at all, I’ve loved every minute of it. Even the ones where we’re getting on each other’s last nerve.” He assured with a smile and giggled.

“So have I.” She confirmed to him.

Harry let his hold on her arm loosen up and for his hand to travel up to her shoulder where his fingers hooked under the thin strap of her tank top and then skimmed up to her neck. He watched as goosebumps littered up the expanse of her skin at his gentle touch. And then he skimmed his fingers along her jaw, up her chin, and then trace around her lips. He watched with bated breath as her eyes fluttered shut as his thumb pulled her bottom lip down. He bit down on his own lip at the feeling of the pad of his finger against the warm and wet skin, he held it there for a second and her eyes fluttered open to meet his own. She opened her mouth a bit wider and he pushed his thumb further into her mouth, he scraped the pad of his thumb against her bottom row of teeth as he pressed in until he felt the smooth and wet texture of her tongue. He felt in a daze as her lips tightened around his digit and she sucked just once, making him groan softly as her teeth sunk gently into his skin as she pulled back until his thumb was out of the warm slickness of her mouth. His thumb dragged her bottom lip down as she turned her head up to look at him It ended up against her chin when she completed the motion. Then she just looked at him patiently waiting. He met her eyes that were filled with a look as hungry as his own.

He then continued skimming his thumb along jaw until he reached the hinge of it, pressing against it a bit more until her neck was completely stretched out for him and her eyes fluttered closed as the rest of his fingers uncurled from his palm and encased her throat, pressing gently into the other side of it adding a pressure that immediately made her head swim. Why had he never tried to kiss her before? He wondered in that moment. He let his fingers slide against her skin to meet at the center of her throat until once again, he had formed a fist beneath her chin that was angling her face up to his. Her eyes were still closed as she relished in his actions. It almost hurt to speak from how dry his throat felt but he managed to get the words out anyway.

“Look at me.” and her eyes blinked open to meet his own. They only held that eye contact for a couple seconds before his lips were melding against hers in a deep and hungry kiss. He felt alive as their lips moved together. As he sucked on her bottom lip, as his tongue met hers and tasted it. She grabbed his hands from the sides of her face and placed them a little past her hips, a coy request for him to grab at her ass. And he did as soon as she made the invitation. His big hands moved against the fabric of her sweat pants until they reached her backside and he just squeezed. Kneading his fingers into the plump part of her body as he pressed her even closer to him. He was so painfully hard and he knew she could feel it - feel him rutting the prominent bulge in his trousers against her lower stomach - as her fingers tightened around the hair at the nape of his neck.

Suddenly one of her hands was drawn away from him and as he opened his eyes to see what she was doing he caught her reaching back blindly, trying to find the door. She wouldn’t be able to do it in the position she was in. So he reached for her arm and looped it around his neck again and her eyes fluttered open to meet his.

“I got it, baby.” He mumbled against her mouth and she nodded as he shifted them just two steps back, enough for him to be able to push the door shut without having to break himself away from her. And when the door finally fell completely shut they both felt it in the pit of their stomachs. This was really about to happen. And god, maybe they ended up being really shitty hosts, but they couldn’t care less. He ended up buried deep inside of her four times in those next few hours. Obviously with some breaks and a little dozing off in between, but the last time they were coming undone together the sun was about to come up. The sky was turning a soft shade of purply-pink as they moaned into each other’s mouths and kissed lazily until they both just fell asleep.

When they finally woke up around noon and migrated down to the kitchen the only person down there was Lily, passed out on the couch with Petunia - the dachshund they had acquired over the summer - sprawled out on her stomach, also asleep. He had to leave in a few hours, he was officiating at Jeff and Glenne’s wedding. And she wasn’t able to go, she had to travel to New York for a script reading and callback audition. This is where they were parting ways for a little while. But right before he drove off he told her to wait for him, that they would talk about this when they were next free and she smiled and nodded and kissed him one last time before he drove off.

That’s why he was so upset. She said she would wait for him. He found himself typing out an angry and emotional text to her. Saying that he was leaving in a week and he couldn’t believe that she would just let him leave without even saying goodbye after not seeing each other for so long. About how rude it was of her to not even have the decency to at least let him know that she wasn’t able to meet him right now whether it was because she was busy or just because of her “new little boyfriend”. He really typed that out and was reading it over once more before sending it, even if deep down he knew that he was the one at fault for this situation. He had left her on read. He had started hooking up with other people. He had let her go first. He was trying to guilt her into meeting up with him and the moment he understood that he was being a totally toxic piece of shit he just deleted the message, even as a huge and painful lump formed in his throat as he did it. He didn’t want her to meet up with him because he made her feel bad about it. He wanted her to talk to him because she wanted to. Sure, he had just erased any chance of them meeting up, but it was the right thing to do. And he kept telling that to himself when he would get mad about it and type up another message similar to that first one for the next few days. He jut had to accept it, he had lost her.

*********

Y/N had heard from a few friends that had caught up with Harry that he was only in town for three weeks, which meant that he was leaving in just three days. She still hadn’t answered his text. Not because she didn’t want to see him, of course she did. But she was hurt and angry that he was being so casual about this. Especially because when he left he asked her to wait. And she did for a bit, then he left her hanging on his birthday and then she heard that he had been seeing other people and that hurt. Chris had been trying to ask her out for a bit and she did like him, but she was just worried that she would be using him to get over Harry and that wasn’t OK. But upon hearing that he was off with others she knew she had to move on and giving Chris a chance was one of the best things she’d done. She’d grown to love him so quickly, it scared her at first, but when she realized that it was because she was scared to hurt Harry and holding on to a nonexistent hope, she realized that she shouldn’t stop herself and just gave in to it.

She told Chris about the text and he told her to do what she thought was best for her. But that’s the problem, she doesn’t know what’s best. Does she need the closure? No, because she’s has moved on and found happiness without it. Does she miss him? Of course, but seeing him isn’t going to make up for lost time. Does she want to know what he has to say? Definitely. Selfishly, she needs to hear it and hopes that he’s jealous and that he misses her, but it’s not like she’s gonna leave Chris for Harry. No way she would. So there wasn’t a point to meeting up with him. She couldn’t justify the decision to do it. On top of that, what would everyone think if she did? After how heartbroken he left her she’d be a fool for going to him. She was completely lost in thought as she stared out into the cityscape from the balcony of Lily’s loft. She needed a second to cool down after they’d taken a few shots because they lost a game of charades with the rest of their friends and her mind just drifted.

“So you never answered his message?” Lily said with a neutral expression on her face and Y/N just shook her head “no” in confirmation and Lily smiled.

“What?” Y/N questioned.

“Nothing… I was just wondering if you had caved and he was lying to me to cover up the fact that you had already gone to see him. He seemed really defensive and upset when he brought you up. Suspiciously so, like he was trying to seem really offended about it.” She chuckled and Y/N scoffed.

“He probably is offended. Besides, you know I would tell you if I had gone to see him.” Y/N said and Lily shrugged.

“Honestly, I don’t know that you would.” She said honestly and Y/N scoffed, “Look, I get that it’s a delicate situation. And I know that if you did end up seeing him you would feel stupid and weak for giving in after how he left you.” Y/N frowned at the words leaving her best friend’s mouth, just about to protest her harshness, but then she said, “But I want you to know that if you do want to see him I wouldn’t judge you for it the way I know you’d judge yourself.” She said with knitted brows and Y/N’s face softened, “You were in love with the guy. And after being hurt so badly in the past I know that he made you feel hopeful and he made you believe in love after you tried so hard not to.” Lily said and Y/N’s eyes started glazing over with tears, “He means a lot to you, whether he hurt you or not. Don’t stop yourself from seeing him on account of what we’ll think is the best decision to make.” She finished and Y/N sighed shakily as the first few tears streamed down her cheeks and she sniffled.

“I genuinely don’t know what I would get out of seeing him.” She explained and Lily sighed and looked right at her.

“You’ll get confusion, hurt, regret, longing… you’re going to go reopen the wound. And sometimes,” she paused and exhaled through her nose and shrugged her shoulders, “it feels so fucking good to do it.” Lily said with a sad smile and Y/N chuckled through her tears and nodded.

“It does feel good.” She agreed softly, “M’fucking crazy.” She huffed out and Lily smiled.

“You and me both.” She said making them both laugh a bit, “But hey, there’s a reason for why that can feel good. Want to know why?” She asked and Y/N nodded. She need to validate the need to put herself through that pain, “Because for some fucking twisted and nonsensical reason that hurt we put ourselves through is the only reminder we have that whatever we had was real. No one gets all broken up over nothing, do they?” Lily reasoned and Y/N nodded in agreement. “And yes, you’re happy now. Happier than I’ve ever seen you, but that situation led you to where you are now. In a way, him letting you down like that helped you find what you truly deserve. All the hurt was worth it in the end.” She said and Y/N sighed as she focused back on the city lights in the distance, clenching her jaw as Lily told her everything that she had been thinking for the last few weeks.

“If I didn’t know any better it would seem to me that you want me to go see Harry.” Y/N said quietly and Lily spoke up.

“All I want is for you to do whatever you want to do about this. And if that means seeing Harry, then go fucking see Harry! You don’t need anyone’s permission.” Lily said and Y/N shook her head in disbelief.

“I’d have to be fucking insane to do that.”

“Good thing you’re fucking insane.” Lily teased and Y/N rolled her eyes as she sniffled.

“Oh, shut up.” She groused and Lily laughed softly before turning Y/N towards her by the shoulders.

“Hey, it’ll be OK.” She assured her, “And when it… hits you…” she said softly, Y/N nodded as she listened, “I’ll be here for you, OK?” Lily assured with a small smile and Y/N just hugged her tight as she cried into her best friends arms.

********

Y/N was nervous and she felt like throwing up as she was parked outside of the friend’s house Harry had been staying in at the moment. He sold his LA home a few years back but had plenty of friends with multiple houses in LA and when he’d be around they would let him crash in one of them if they didn’t have any tenants living there. She was afraid of getting down, she wasn’t sure what to expect from him.

She didn’t know that he had heard her pull up and he was watching her, waiting for her to get out of the car from the bedroom upstairs. He felt bad in that moment, knowing just how hard it was for her. He was leaving the next morning and was already sure that he wouldn’t get to see her. But then she messaged him earlier in the day and he assured her that he’d be home all day and she told him she’d stop by. He’d been waiting around all day. The sky was already turning an orange shade from the sun starting to lower and he had gotten worried that she had changed her mind, but then he heard a car pulling in a few minutes later and when he peeked out he saw her car.

After about ten minutes she got out and he made his way down the stairs. It was another couple minutes before the doorbell rang and he tried not to be over eager to open it up. He counted to ten and then opened the door only to see her face. She was as beautiful as ever and he was now annoyed at himself for wasting ten seconds of time with her.

“Hi.” He said quietly and she just stayed looking into his eyes.

“Hi.” She said back just as quietly. After taking each other in he snapped out of his little trance and shook his head.

“Ummm, come on in.” He said getting out of the way and she stepped inside.

“Are you done packing up?” She asked as she walked further inside.

“Just about.” He said as he locked up again, “Do you want anything to drink?” He asked and she turned to him.

“Ummm, yeah. What’ve you got?” She asked as they headed over to the kitchen.

“Uh…” he looked in the fridge, it was practically empty now since he was about to leave, “I have water and sparkling water.” He said through a chuckle and she looked around the counters and saw a started off bottle of red wine.

“What about that?” She asked and he turned back to see her cocking her head towards the bottle of wine.

“Oh, there’s that, too.” He said through a nervous chuckle.

“Can we finish it off?” She asked and he nodded.

“Let me grab some glasses.” He said and she nodded. Soon enough he was pouring it out for them, leaving the bottle a little under the halfway point. She took a rather large drink before setting it down and looking at him. “So how’ve you been?” He asked and she bit on her lip before letting out a breath.

“Pretty good actually.” She responded, “And you?”

“I’ve been alright.” He shrugged before taking another drink, “I ummm…” he paused, “it looks like you’re really happy.” He said with a small crease in his brows and she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. He was jealous and it didn’t feel as good as she thought it would.

“Yeah.” She responded, barely above a whisper and he looked into her eyes. The hurt she could see in them was enough to tear her heart apart. The air between them shifted dramatically as she had his expression.

“You said you’d wait. Didn’t take you long to move on from me.” He said softly but the bitterness in his tone was not missed. Her eyebrows furrowed in anger at his accusation.

“You didn’t talk to me for months.” She threw back in disbelief at his accusation, “I waited and waited for a response and all I ever heard was that you had been with other people.” She said and he swallowed hard, his jaw tensing.

“So then you start dating some guy and leave me on read for a few weeks to get back at me?” He asked with a mocking tone in his voice and her eyes glanced up to the ceiling as her lips press together to not let him see the frown that wanted to form on them. Lily was right, she was reopening the wound, but not in the way she thought. He was here to make her feel bad for moving on. She looked back at him, far more collected now.

“I knew this was a bad idea.” She responded softly as her chest felt heavy and pulsed with a wave of hurt. He looked right into her eyes waiting for her to go off because he could see the anger swimming in them but she just shook her head and turned to the high chair where she had set down her bag. She reached for it and he felt his chest sinking as he realized she was about to walk out.

“Y/N.” He hurried around the kitchen island and she shook her head again as he tried to grab her attention, “Just wait.” He said taking her bag from her hands and placing it on the island and she sighed.

“Please give me my bag, Harry.” She said firmly and he sighed.

“Can you let me just say what I need to say?” He asked and she frowned.

“All you want to do is make me feel like shit about moving on! I’m happy, Harry! I’m in love after thinking that I never would again because of you.” She seethed, “You can’t make me feel bad about this when you’re the one who never came back!” Her voice was louder now, her eyes were glossing over with tears, “I waited!” She nearly shouted with a frown on her face, “I waited.” She repeated again, her voice broken and soft now as her tears started running down her face, her eyes not leaving his once, “and you never came back to me. Why didn’t you say something? Anything?” She questioned.

“I am now!” He said taking her hands as she cried, holding tight to her, “I’ve been in love with you for years! I’m still in love with you.” He confessed, his voice broken as well and she shook her head and cried harder as she looked back into his eyes.

“Well I’m not anymore.” She nearly whispered and the look in his eyes made her want to fling herself from he nearest cliff. He pouted and the tears started running down his face.

“Baby, that can’t be the truth.” He whimpered and grabbed her face gently and she sobbed, “What we had was-”

“It wasn’t anything, Harry.” She said softly and he felt nauseous at her words.

“Don’t say that.” He shook his head, voice pained and face twisted in hurt. As if he’d just been punched in the gut full force.

“It’s the truth. We felt everything and never did anything about it until you kissed me, fucked me, and then disappeared for over a year.” She said pulling out of his grip and he finally let the first cry break through his throat.

“It wasn’t that superficial! You have to know that, baby.” He said reaching for her again and she pushed his hands away from her.

“Stop calling me that. I’m not your baby, I’m not anything!” She scolded. And he nodded and swallowed hard as he tried to calm his crying. He ran a shaky hand through his curls and let out a long breath as she rubbed her eyes. All they were now were swollen, red, and teary eyes and runny noses, sniffling and breathing shallowly as they tried to regain some composure. It was silent between them for a moment until they finally looked at each other again.

“I’m so sorry.” He just whispered as he sniffled, “I got scared and I… fled.” He admitted. “I’m sorry for being a total ass about this. I just… never thought that-”

“That I would be able to move on from you?” She questioned and he nodded, looking down at the ground, “Yeah, well you’re not that fucking special, Harry.” She snapped and his eyes immediately flew up to hers with evident hurt written all over his face and she immediately regretted it.

“That was uncalled for.” He said lowly and she reached out to him, grabbing his hands.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, Harry. It’s not even true.” She rushed out and he turned away from her, the sting of her words still fresh.

“Then why say it at all?” He asked incredulously.

“Because I’m hurt and angry at you because…” she groaned, “Please look at me!” She begged and he did, “I was so in love with you. You made me feel hopeful and you made me believe in love again after everything I’d been through and then you tossed me aside like what we had was absolutely nothing.” She cried softly, a fresh wave of tears were rolling down her cheeks and he just pulled her into his embrace and kissed the top of her head.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry for hurting you like that, baby.” He whispered over and over against her hair as they cried in each other’s arms. He’s not sure how long they were like that, he just knows that when he looked up the sun was completely gone and they were standing in the dark. “I know you won’t forgive me, but I’m still sorry.” He said softly and she sighed. The warmth of her exhale felt comforting despite the damp skin of his neck from her tears.

“I do forgive you.” She mumbled before placing a chaste kiss against his neck and he squeezed her tighter before pulling away from the embrace, he felt around the island and hit a switch that then lit up the dim lights above the island. They could see each other again and he just got closer again and grabbed her hips in his hands, cocking his head up, indicating for her to jump up and she did. His grip on her hips aided in getting her on the counter. Once she was sitting there his hands moved down from her and just lay flat against the marble countertop by her thighs, encasing her between him. He glanced down between them, her hands lay in her lap and he just wanted to intertwine their fingers together. It hurt not to be able to touch her like that.

“I just wanted to be the one to make you happy.” He said softly and she glanced up to him with a sympathetic look in her eyes, “But umm now I realize that all I ever wanted…” he stopped and swallowed the lump forming in his throat, “I just- I just want you to be happy.” He sniffled and smiled sadly, “Even if it’s not with me.” He finished quietly and she smiled sadly at him as well before wrapping her arms around him and after a few seconds he hugged her back.

Once again, they stayed like that for a long while, with no regard for time. They hardly spoke at all, just held each other. He was a comfort person for her and well, she was his beating heart outside of the safety of his body. She whispered an apology to him again for saying he wasn’t special. And she told him that she had missed him like crazy. And she told him that she did love him. But he knew it wasn’t in the way he wanted. Despite that he took in all of her words. He memorized the pattern of her breathing. The smell of her perfume, the warmth of her body. He was soaking up every bit of this moment with her. Suddenly his phone started vibrating with a call and they both tightened their embrace around each other due to the startle the sound had given them.

“Jesus.” She whispered and he chuckled softly against her head as he turned to the other side of the island to see who was calling. It was just Jeff, he would leave a message if it was important. He felt Y/N turn her head as well and she glanced at the lit up screen and her eyes widened at the time it read. It was nearly eight at night. Had they just been holding each other for hours? Somehow it still felt like they’d just started hugging.

“We’ve been here for so long.” He pointed out what she had been thinking but made no move to let her go.

“Mmmhm.” She hummed, but also made no move to move out of his embrace. Now that they were aware of how long they’d been like this time seemed to be moving really slow. And they were suddenly aware of how hot it was and that their arms hurt from being in the same position for so long, and that their faces felt sticky and dry from the tears they had cried. Y/N even realized that she really had to pee and Harry realized that his feet were really cold. The magic of the moment was gone now that reality had struck hard. “I really need to pee.” She whispered and he chuckled and pulled back.

“Why didn’t you say anything before?” He asked as he helped her down from the counter.

“I didn’t even realize it.” She explained and he smiled a bit apologetically.

“Ummm, the bathroom’s down the hall on your left.” He said and she nodded and hurried in there.

After she finished up, she splashed some cool water on her face to rid herself of that sticky feeling from the dried up tears. And soon enough she was heading back to the kitchen and he was drinking some water. He was ready for her to say she was heading out when she stepped back into the kitchen but she hoisted herself back up onto the counter and reached for her glass of wine instead. He tried not to smile so obviously.

“I have water if you’re thirsty.” He covered up his grin with that little teasing comment and she smiled.

“I’m not thirsty, the wine was just really good.” She responded and he smiled.

He wanted to hug her again and hold her for as long as she’d allow him to. Boundaries, Harry. He thought to himself and instead he grabbed the bottle of wine and handed it to her before he hoisted himself up to the spot beside her and reached for his own glass of wine. He looked at her with a small smile and extended his glass towards hers and she smiled at him before gently tapping her glass into his and they sat there, slowly finishing off the bottle as they talked about a less charged topic. About his tour and filming and life. And then there it was, the inevitable words.

“I should probably get going.” She sighed tiredly and he nodded in agreement. Though every bit of him wanted to say “no, don’t leave yet”. He once again helped her off the counter and she grabbed her bag and they slowly walked to the entrance of the house. She turned to him and inhaled deeply before exhaling loudly and he bit on his lip before speaking.

“Do you regret coming by?” He asked quietly and she shook her head.

“No. Missed you.” She smiled softly.

“I missed you too.” He said and she opened up her arms for him and they hugged once more. Tighter this time. Like they knew they wouldn’t be able to hold each other like this in ages. Maybe never again if everything worked out with her new boyfriend. It was only about two or three minutes when he felt her grip loosen up and he sighed, “Please. Not yet.” He said quietly, “Please.” The last plea was just a small whisper.

“We need to let go.” She said back softly and he felt his eyes welling up all over again. She was right. He sniffled and nodded.

“Right.” He said. Like a bandaid. He thought to himself and just loosened his grip on her before pulling away slowly until they were separated. She looked into his eyes and he into hers. If he had known that the last time he’d get to kiss her was over a year ago he would’ve done it much sooner. He started leaning in to her and she sort of froze as he hovered right above her, his hands grabbed her face gently and her eyes pinched shut with nerves.

“Harry, don’t. Please.” She whispered.

“Hey, look at me.” He commanded softly and her eyes blinked open to meet his, they were so close she could feel his breaths as he spoke, “I would never do that to you.” He assured and she nodded, “Was just gonna…” he trailed off and pressed his lips to her forehead, “Just there. I swear that’s what I was going to do.” He said pulling back.

“I believe you.” She whispered and he smiled. He opened the door and let her out, watching her approach her car and get in. She started it up and slowly started inching forward, she rolled down her window and spoke up, “Hey, please don’t be a stranger.” She called out and he smiled softly.

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” He called back and she smiled before taking off.

[fanfictiondreamscape]

Alternate Endings (Pt. 2)

Title: Alternate Endings (Pt. 2) 

Genre: more angst, possibly more than the last part. this is your warning. 

Pairing: Victor Nikiforov x GN!Reader

Notes: This is a part 2 to the previous part, and I still used the angst prompt list from the aforementioned previous parts to form this piece.

With that said, I think that this will be the only part following the first unless I can find some way to continue the storyline. I intend to keep the ending somewhat depressing and sad, so I guess proceed with caution due to such. 

If you want something similar to this for any other character, please let me know, though! I may also mention that this went from a drabble, to a scenario, and now borders on an imagine - I can’t help that I got caught up! 

Part 1

Below the cut! 

You practically fell off the face of the Earth as soon as you left. 

Harboring all of the money you saved and deciding upon negotiations to make with your employer, you left Russia. You left Japan. You just...left. 

Travelling became a huge part of your life afterwards, and though many people had tried to regain contact with you, you ignored most of them - save for a few. Only Yuri Plisetsky and Yuuko Nishigori were available to your whims, but they were still advised to stay as quiet as possible regarding your whereabouts. 

You changed your whole appearance, changed your mindset, and even changed something as generally miniscule as your wardrobe. Still, as much as you did change and throw away, you couldn’t rid yourself of the many frivolous gifts that Victor had given you over the years. 

Some things you just can’t give up, but you knew that it would be fine. At the very least, you had something that would never let you forget about him. 

Victor, on the other hand, fell off the deep end. 

He had come across the note you’d slipped under his hotel room door and for the first time in a long time, he cried. A true mess was what Yuuri had come across, and as many times that he was able to help him through unconventional methods, this was nearly impossible. 

Victor didn’t leave Japan, but he did become so reclusive that even Yakov was extremely worried upon finding out about the occurrence from an offhand comment that Yurio made when talking to Yuuko over the phone before practice. 

Everyone around him saw the typically extravagant man become so dulled by misery that it became painful to watch. 

He didn’t even know where to start since he’d already tried to find you - looking everywhere that he knew you loved, everywhere that he knew you were often obligated to be at - but had failed to do so. 

It wasn’t until, when Yurio was free, that he overheard him and Yuuko talking at the front desk of the rink as Yuuri was warming up and he was getting his skates on. 

“Yeah, they’re in America right now. They just got a raise, actually - they were even thinking of dropping in when they get enough saved up,” Yuuko recollected, excitement dripping from her tone. 

“Well, they’d have to come by when Victor isn’t here. That would also mean that I’d be gone, but at least you could update me,” Yurio responded. He seemed more nonchalant about the whole thing, but Victor became hysterical. 

Granted, he did suppress what he could to eavesdrop further. 

“Of course! I am still a little worried about them, though - you remember how Victor had gone crazy trying to find them?” Yurio grunted in response. “Well, what if he decides to do something impulsive again and leave mid-competition?” 

The light-blonde teenager in front of Yuuko flinched at the thought. “That’s a good point...but we’ll never know unless it happens when it does.” 

A solemn chill fell upon the two, but the conversation split onto Yurio’s next routine and Victor left it to them. He stared wide-eyed, in pure disbelief, at the wall of lockers in front of him. 

“So they’re...(Y/n)’s in America....”

Ideas began to run through his head as the room became eerily quiet. Even Yuuri, who was sat in the corner and preferred a calm and quiet atmosphere, was perturbed by the sudden shift. 

“I know what I’ll do! Yuuri, skate if you want - I’m going to be out for a while,” Victor announced, generally resembling the flamboyant figure skating icon that everyone knew. 

He took his skates off and capped the blades, putting them into his bag and reaching for his cell phone and scrolling through listings. Katsuki was left dumbstruck, but he went on about what he was doing and decided to run through his routine a few times. 

Yurio had left by this point, and Yuuko was too far in the back to catch the tall man’s outburst. 

It wasn’t until the next day that he was extremely prepared and anyone who understood his issue was suspicious. Victor had hunted for every listing to America from Japan, and memorized the closest ones. Yuuko was the one person who was going to be there that he had to ask. 

“Yuuko, I must ask you something! Would you mind?” was Victor’s burning introduction, shocking the normally upbeat mother. She was a little taken aback at the bold attention grabber. 

“Mmm, yeah?” She tried to be as ‘typical’ as possible, considering that her suspicions were up now. She knew what was going on, she knew what Victor was burning for. 

“You said that you’ve been in contact with (Y/n), yes?” 

Yuuko deadpanned, eyes blank and dropping the facade that she was going to attempt to maintain. “I knew it. Listen, I know that you’ve been troubled since they left, and that they have been as well, but please - give them some more time.” 

Victor visibly deflated. He didn’t think it would work, really, but it was worth a shot. Maybe, just maybe, though.... “How about a hint? Is it hot? Cold? What is a landmark?” 

“No, Victor. Sorry.”

And he was back to his dejected being by the next hour. 

Victor was willing to annoy both her and Yurio, but gave up once they stood their ground with firm hold. “No. (Y/n) is fine, and they will come when they want.” It was always the answer, no matter who he asked. 

Daily, Yuuri would keep him company and skate to the best of his ability. It seemed to quench his troubles just a little bit before the up and coming competition season. 

Eventually, the Grand Prix rolled around again. Yurio was competing, as well as Yuuri, and Victor was there to maintain support for his ever-promising prodigy. 

Amongst the drama that had ensued, the two of them decided to take a break romantically and focus on the practice rather than devote too much issue to their worryingly stagnant relationship. 

It wasn’t until Yurio had pulled Yuuri aside when Victor was getting changed that he was let in on soem information that, had Victor heard, would send him into a frenzy. 

“(Y/n) wanted to me wish you good luck and let you know that they are here to watch. If you wanna talk, they’ll be waiting in the lobby.”

Yuuri almost faltered and told Victor, but decided against it. Your wishes were still high up, even if you two weren’t amazingly close. 

Sadly, Victor was still shaken and hurried. It was a large competition, and as much as he wanted to focus on the task at hand, you never left his mind. 

Over the year that you had fallen out of reach, he began to realize where he screwed up. Maybe he did like you at one time, but he let his own fears get the best of him and he fell to putting more of an interest to Yuuri. 

He truly loves Yuuri, but he truly loved you (romantically) at one point, and you slipped from his reach before he could manage to comprehend anything. 

So, upon making eye contact with a familiar pair of (e/c) eyes and an eerie copy of a blazer that he had given you as a birthday gift years ago, he was left idle. 

“(Y/n)?”

You sucked in a breath and shrugged, sighing afterwards and shaking your head. “Yep, it’s me. Hello, again, Victor.” 

Tears flooded his eyes as he ran to you, arms open and tight as his hug enveloped your frame. You didn’t reciprocate, not immediately at least. With obvious hesitance, you returned the hug, but pushed him away only a couple seconds later. 

“You’ve got a skater to support. We can talk later, okay?” 

“But, you’ve come back and-” 

“Victor. Go support Yuuri.”

He bit his lip, but nodded nonetheless and embarked to the rink. 

After the free skate, the next day’s events were prepared and everyone was sent out for the day. Yurio had caught up with you before heading to his hotel room, and Yuuri had popped in before he changed out of his costume, but Victor was most eager to meet you.

Upon seeing each other, yet again, in the lobby, the two of you parted ways but decided to meet at a restaurant in town. Yuuri would be dining with Phichit and some other competitors, and Yurio was with Otabek going sightseeing, so this was a prime opportunity. 

Silence loomed over the two of you, slow walking and sounds of nature overwhelming your senses. 

“So, you’re probably curious as to where I’ve been,” you began, breaking the tension as calmly as possible. You could have sworn that your heart was going to burst out of your chest if you let the quiet settle any longer. 

“Yes, (Y/n). I really have been.” Victor, for once in the time that you have known him, was quiet. He was never really afraid to speak to you about anything, but the way he was acting now let some of the more obvious pain show. 

“I’ve also been extremely worried. I never realized that you felt like that.”

You stopped upon the sentence, eyeing a nearby bench. Victor followed suit and looked down at you, eye contact being maintained. His gorgeous blue eyes were glassy and he appeared on the verge of tears. 

“(Y/n), darling, I never realized how much you actually meant to me. I was stupid. I- I really, truly did love you. I always thought that you were too good for me, though, so I tried to make the ideas disappear. It worked, but only for a while. I love you, (Y/n). Honestly, I really do, and...

“I don’t know how much longer I can endure this.” 

Your brows furrowed at his proclamation. The thought had never really crossed your mind, but you had always been drawn to his personality and how driven he was. You knew that he would do this, though, as he could also be notably daft regarding certain things. 

“Victor, I-.... Listen, I loved you at one point, but you found Yuuri. You found your match. You made your decision. Out of respect for you and him, I left. But I also did it to respect myself.

“I know my habits. I know that I can fixate, so I needed to get out of your hair if I wanted to feel better. So I did. I’m engaged now, Victor, and the person that I met is amazing. I thought that could have been you. But it wasn’t, and I’m okay with that now.” 

“You- you’re engaged?”

“Yes, yes I am. We haven’t planned our wedding date quite yet, but it is being discussed. The fact of the matter is simple: I knew what would happen if I were to stay, and as much as I love you, - platonically - staying here wouldn’t do me any good. Life comes, things change, and sometimes we just gotta give up.”

Silence fell on you two yet again, but it was interrupted by the slight sniffling coming from the tall Russian. 

“Victor, I came back not because I wanted to fight for your affection, but because I’ve been worried about you. I just want you to know that...I still do care for you, and I have still supported you and Yuuri. But what you want, what I wanted...that’s not possible anymore.” 

Pausing, you thought over your next words. Nothing was ever going to completely repair what was broken, but at the very least, you could try. 

“How about this? Here’s my new number,” you handed him a small slip of paper with the nine digits printed on it in your handwriting. “Let’s start talking again, and you can meet my fiancee sometime. Sound good?”

His mood nearly took a 180, but his demeanor was still sullen and sad. A weak smile crossed his face, and he responded in kind, “Of course. How about we go back to the group and enjoy dinner, though? You’re here again, and it’s more than I could ask for - but we have a lot of catching up to do.” 

[theartofdreaming1]

Slightly paraphrased, but Peeta talking about that moment he developed his crush on Katniss is just too sweet 😊

As usual, my thoughts regarding this week’s prompts and random thoughts on chapters 22-24 are below the cut (sprinkled in some psychology thoughts again).

heart

Honestly, I think the people in Panem would perceive the whole everlark storyline the same way we perceive and react to our ships on tv (desperately wanting to reach through the screen, shoving the characters forcefully together, screaming “And now, kiss!”); especially the Capitolites who barely recognize the tributes (or people in the districts, in general) as people. The people in the districts would definitely view the whole thing more under a “reality tv” kind of lens, questioning how much of the relationship is real or not (we know that Finnick certainly thought that the entire thing was just a spiel, until Peeta hit that forcefield). The time spent in the cave must have been pretty convincing, though.

mind

I think that Katniss is still torn here - On the one hand, she kind of wants to believe that Peeta is actually into her (remember the happiness she felt when Peeta told her how his crush on her began, and it all added up and seemed so real), but on the other hand she’s terrified of that possibility because A) lingering trauma from her mom’s depression in response the Mr. Everdeen’s death, B) Katniss never even considered falling in love, so that’s a sudden unexpected thing to deal with, and C) maybe it’s just for the sake of the Games; and wouldn’t that hurt, getting your hopes up only to learn it was only for show? (How about we ask Peeta about that?)

soul

Yeah, that quote about Peeta only eating stale bread also struck me as quite sad. It just further adds to his understanding how there should be more to life than just survival, though. (One day, I’ll make that post about Peeta, Katniss, and Maslow’s pyramid of needs, I swear! I’ve already gathered some research material)

Chapter 22

My mother’s hand strokes my cheek and I don’t push it away as I would in wakefulness, never wanting her to know how much I crave that gentle touch. How much I miss her even though I still don’t trust her. - Ugh, I can’t... Katniss misses her mom, misses being cared for😢 I’m so glad we’re going to see her patch up her relationship with her mom in CF... On a different note, Katniss craving that gentle touch just perfectly illustrates why she’s so drawn to Peeta, who is generally such a gentle soul (I mean, he’s literally the person stroking her cheek here 😊)

He [Peeta] doesn’t seem angry about my tricking him, drugging him, and running off to the feast. Maybe I’m just too beat-up and I’ll hear about it later when I’m stronger. But for the moment, he’s all gentleness. - As I was saying... 😉

“I’ll go hunting soon,” I say. “Not too soon, all right?” he says. “You just let me take care of you for a while.” - I love them so much😊🥰 And then Peeta makes sure she’s well-fed and hydrated, he rubs her cold feet and tucks her into the sleeping back... and she let’s him! 💗

“He [Thresh] let you go because he didn’t want to owe you anything?” asks Peeta in disbelief. “Yes. I don’t expect you to understand it. You’ve always had enough. But if you’d lived in the Seam, I wouldn’t have to explain,” I say. “And don’t try. Obviously I’m too dim to get it,” he says. - Oof. This exchange here is interesting in many ways: 1) it highlights their different experiences, tied to their different socioeconomic backgrounds, basically, and 2)  that Katniss is very much aware of this difference, but we also see hints of her own ignorance here - because Peeta didn’t have to starve in his childhood, she thinks that he can’t possibly understand this level of hardship; but there are other ways in which one can suffer/lack fundamental needs, which brings us to 3) Peeta’s response about being “obviously too dim to get it”; I think this is a clue to his mom being also verbally abusive towards him: she called him “stupid creature” when he burnt those loaves of bread for Katniss and when he’s losing it in the attic of the Justice Building in D11 in CF he is mad that Katniss and Haymitch keep things from him “like [he’s] too inconsequential or stupid or weak to handle them”, which - to me - sounds like he’s tired of being treated that way (i.e. the way his mother treats him)

“I want to go home, Peeta,” I say plaintively, like a a small child. - God, this is a teenager in a murder-arena who feels like wanting to go home is a childish notion instead of a totally legitimate wish for anyone in that situation, regardless of age 😢

It’s not that Peeta’s soft exactly, and he’s proved he’s not a coward. But there are things you don’t question too much, I guess, when your home always smells like baking bread, whereas Gale questions everything. What would Peeta think of the irreverent banter that passes between us as we break the law each day? Would it shock him? The things we say about Panem? Gale’s tirades against the Capitol? - Geez, Katniss, give Peeta some credit here! A) It’s not like Peeta can walk around District 12 talking publicly about the injustices happening there - she and Peeta hadn’t even talked with each other before the reaping, whereas Gale is her best friend who rants to her while they are outside the confines of D12 and B) Peeta is literally the one who introduced the whole “not a piece in their Games”-idea to her; why would he be clutching his pearls over Katniss and Gale’s irreverent banter?! Just because Peeta didn’t live on the brink of starvation (she again brings up how his house smells like bread and - at this point - still thinks that the family running the bakery actually gets to eat what they produce just like that), doesn’t mean he doesn’t see how shitty life in D12 is - he can still want better conditions for those who are worse off than him!

“I did do the right thing,” I say. “No! Just don’t, Katniss!” His grip tightens, hurting my hand, and there’s real anger in his voice. “Don’t die for me. You won’t be doing me any favors. All right?” - Well, we’ll see this song and dance again in CF...

And while I was talking, the idea of actually losing Peeta hit me again and I realized how much I don’t want him to die. [...] And it’s not about what will happen back home. And it’s not just that I don’t want to be alone. It’s him. I do not want to lose the boy with the bread.” - I wish CF Katniss would remember this moment when she is questioning her motives about saving Peeta’s life in the arena - You. Care. For. This. Boy! You. Value. Him. For. Who. He. Is!!!

This is the first kiss that we’re both fully aware of. [...] This is the first kiss where I actually feel stirring inside my chest. Warm and curious. This is the first kiss that makes me want another. - Whoo! Is it hot in here or is it just me? 😉

I’m struck by his immediacy now. As we settle in, he pulls my head down to use his arm as a pillow; the other rests protectively over me even when he goes to sleep. No one has held me like this in such a long time. Since my father died and I stopped trusting my mother, no one else’s arms have made me feel this safe. - He makes her feel safe in a murder-arena!!! 😭 This is the kind of stuff that makes everlark just a top tier romance, tbh

Peeta telling Katniss about his crush starting on their first day of school 🥰😭 - and her reaction to it... For a moment, I’m almost foolishly happy - yes, because you have a crush on him, too! - and then confusion sweeps over me. Because we’re supposed to be making up this stuff [...] So, if those details are true... could it all be true? - YESSSSSSSS!!!

“You have a... remarkable memory, “ I say haltingly. - as a severely socially awkward person... I felt that lame response in my bones 😅

“You don’t have much competition anywhere.” And this time, it’s me who leans in. - God, this would be such an amazing moment if it didn’t get tainted by that immediate sponsor gift, which just serves to muddle Katniss’s feelings with her sense of survival, further complicating her relationship with Peeta... *sigh* 

Chapter 23

“What was that you were saying just before the food arrived? Something about me... no competition... best thing that ever happened to you...” “I don’t remember that last part,” I say, hoping it’s too dim in here for the cameras to pick up my blush. “Oh, that’s right. That’s what I was thinking,” he says. - Peeta is the master of being a cheeky little shit and adorable flirt at the same time

“So, since we were five, you never even noticed any other girls?” I ask him. “No, I noticed just about every girl, but none of them made a lasting impression but you,” he says. - I appreciate that while Peeta has had a crush on Katniss forever, he clearly didn’t spend the entire time pining after her, oblivious to the rest of the world - he has a life outside of Katniss Everdeen, but ultimately, it all lead back to her

A disturbing thought hits me. “But then, our only neighbor will be Haymitch!” “Ah, that’ll be nice,” says Peeta, tightening his arms around me. “You and me and Haymitch. Very cozy. Picnics, birthdays, long winter nights around the fire retelling old Hunger Games tales.” “I told you, he hates me!” I say, but I can’t help laughing at the image of Haymitch becoming my new pal. - Laugh all you want, this is going to end up being your future anyway 😄

He [Haymitch]’s at something of a disadvantage because most mentors have a partner, another victor to help them whereas Haymitch has to bready to go into action at any moment. Kind of like me when I was alone in the arena. I wonder how he’s holding up, with the drinking, the attention, and the stress of tring to keep us alive. - Katniss is already worrying about her “new pal”, I see ;)

Maybe he [Haymitch] wasn’t always a drunk. Maybe, in the beginning, he tried to help the tributes. But then it got unbearable. It must be hell to mentor two kids and then watch them die. - Honestly, that sounds absolutely awful...

Poor, Katniss, when she learns of Thresh’s death :( - But no one will understand my sorrow at Thresh’s murder. - It’s horrible how compassion and basic human decency gets construed as ‘weakness’ in the world of Hunger Games (esp. the Capitol)

Then I escape into sleep, comforted by a full belly and the steady warmth of Peeta beside me. - Honestly, I think a word analysis of THG-series could be interesting; how often does Katniss mention “warmth”, “steady/steadiness” “safe/safety/security” in connection with “Peeta”?

“We make a goat cheese and apple tart at the bakery,” he says. “Bet that’s expensive,” I say. “Too expensive for my family to eat. Unless it’s gone very stale. Of course, practically everything we eat is stale,” says Peeta [...] Huh. I always assumed the shopkeepers live a soft life. And it’s true, Peeta has always had enough to eat. But there’s something kind of depressing about living your life on stale bread - Katniss is starting to realize that the lives of the merchants isn’t a cushy as she thought; also, in a way, we see a “prettier” version of how Panem treats the districts overall -> feeding the districts just enough that they can do their work (plus/minus a couple of people who’ll die of starvation, but at a small, for Capitolites insignificant margin), but not so much that they are in good shape to rebel; here, the merchants of D12 have just enough that they can live a “decent” life (they know it could be worse -> the Seam), but they don’t have enough to live a free, comfortable, self-determined life either. This also just further drives a wedge between the inhabitants of D12 (the merchants won’t want to rebel because they don’t want to get ‘demoted’ in their lifestyle, starving like the people from the Seam, and the Seam folk feel resentful towards the merchant people, while also not having the resources to rebel, due to their awful socioeconomic conditions)

What would be my life like on a daily basis? Most of it has been consumed with the acquisition of food. Take that away and I’m not really sure who I am, what my identity is. - It’s so sad who Katniss has been so consumed with ensuring that her most base needs are fulfilled that she barely has had the time to really figure out who she is and what she wants from life (If we’re talking Maslow’s pyramid of needs, Katniss would primarily be stuck on the lowest tier 😢)

At least, we’ll be friends, I think. Nothing will change the fact that we’ve saved each other’s lives in here. And beyond that, he will always be the boy with the bread. Good friends. - Honestly, Katniss counting on being good friends with Peeta after the Games is the highest honor she can bestow on him at that moment (she’s so into him, lol); of course, knowing that their relationship is going to be a bit rocky once they’ve come back makes this thought a little sad... but we also know they’ll make up (and out ;) in the future

Peeta licking his plate and blowing a kiss out to Effie is such an adorable goofball-moment 😊

I cover his mouth with my hand, but I’m laughing. “Stop! Cato could be right outside our cave.” He grabs my hand away. “What do I care? I’ve got you to protect me now,” says Peeta, pulling me to him. - This moment would be so cute (also, Peeta’s so confident in Katniss’s skills to protect him, which is adorable - toxic masculinity who?) but... Ugh, he’s just so giddy here, it kind of breaks my heart for when he learns later that (at least some) of Katniss’s reactions were just for show

“If we want food, we better head back up to my old hunting grounds,” I say. “Your call, Just tell me what you need me to do,” Peeta says. - Love how Peeta’s always ready to follow Katniss’s lead :)

Ideally, I’d dump Peeta now with some simple root-gathering chore and go hunt [...] “Katniss,” he says. “We need to split up. I know I’m chasing away the game.” [...] “Show me some plants to gather and that way we’ll both be useful.” - Teamwork! If it weren’t for Katniss worrying for Peeta’s safety, they’d be on the same page here

“What if you climbed up in a tree and acted as a lookout while I haunted?” I say, trying to make it sound like very important work. “What if you show me what’s edible around here and go get us some meat?” he says, mimicking my tone. - I really like how Peeta’s challenges Katniss here; he doesn’t just go along with everything she says, while still being quite reasonable

I feel like I’m eleven, again, tethered not to the safety of the fence but to Peeta, allowing myself twenty, maybe thirty yards of hunting space. [...] I allow myself to drift farther away, and soon have two rabbits and a fat squirrel to show for it. - I don’t know, but Katniss feeling tethered to Peeta makes me think of Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory, according to which children with a secure attachment to their primary caregiver use  their “attachment figure as a safe base to explore the environment”... Of course, Ainsworth’s Strange Situation was conducted with young children, but attachment styles are supposed to influence the relationships we form with people in our later lives as well (including romantic relationships)... I dunno, just a random association that popped into my brain 😅

Chapter 24

Peeta’s a whiz with fires, coaxing a blaze out of the damp wood. - Heh, Peeta sure knows how to handle fire, huh, Katniss (or should I say: Girl on Fire?) 😏

I order him into the sleeping bag and set aside the rest of his food for him when he wakes. He drops off immediately. I pull the sleeping bag up to his chin and kiss his forehead, not for the audience, but for me. Because I’m so greateful that he’s still here, not dead by the stream as I’d thought.  - Aww, this is so sweet (and domestic)!

It’s funny. I feel almost as if it’s the first day of the Games again. That I’m in the same position. [...] But no, there’s the boy waiting beside me. I feel his arms wrap around me. - They are a team! Katniss doesn’t have to face the horrors of the Games alone anymore! It keeps boiling down to this.

[supernovafics]

𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐋𝐈𝐄 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

pairing: tom holland x fem!reader

summary: in which tom is your ex-boyfriend and a night in vegas for your mutual friend’s birthday leads to a surprising drunk confession

warnings: explicit language, drunkenness, so much angst, (italicized means flashback)

word count: 2.9k

author’s note: first time ever posting any kind of writing on here but i’m actually very proud of this so i hope you all enjoy! things gets berry berry angsty and sad in this so i’m sorry in advance </3

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Against your many drunken protests, the night was coming to an end. You did not want to leave the club you were in along with Zendaya and the friends she invited, so you pouted at the girl, knowing that since this whole Vegas trip had been for her birthday, she would be able to make everyone stay.

“Come on, Z. We should all have a couple more drinks,” You told her, words coming out slightly slurred, showing how inebriated you were.

“No way, Y/N. I think you’ve had enough drinks for the night,” Zendaya responded, and instead of verbally responding to her, you simply pouted again.

You felt upset that you had to leave, but the tiniest part of you that was sober knew you would thank her in the morning for making you do so.

Zendaya turned her attention to Tom, who was sitting at the table that the group of friends had been occupying for most of the night. “Tom, since you and Y/N are staying at the same hotel, can you make sure she gets back to her room okay?”

Tom turned his gaze away from his phone and nodded at Zendaya’s request. He looked at where you were now standing by the bar, animatedly talking and laughing with Jacob and Harrison. Seeing how happy you looked with them reminded Tom of the situation the two of you were in.

For the past two days of this Vegas trip, you both had barely spoken any words to each other. This avoidance wasn’t necessarily purposeful, it was just something that happened, and it honestly made sense. With the way things ended between you two, there was bound to be some lingering awkward tension, especially since this was the first time you guys had been in the same vicinity of each other since the breakup, which happened a little over six months ago.

Neither of you hated the other, but you definitely weren’t going to initiate anything more than some simple small talk.

However, tonight was much different than the past two days in Vegas had been. You were drunk, and anytime you were in this intoxicated state, you became overly friendly and a little too honest, a mixture that almost always led to some type of disaster.

• • •

The beginning of the elevator ride up to your floor was fairly quiet until you started drunkenly rambling to Tom, acting as if there wasn’t any awkward tension between the two of you. It was mainly because the drunk version of you gave zero fucks about the awkwardness that had been lingering for so long.

“We should’ve stayed for just one more drink. It would have been really fun,” You said to him, grinning widely as you leaned back against the wall of the elevator. Tom was standing right next to you. He had been like this the entire way to the hotel just in case you tripped or anything else; he had seen you drunk enough times before to know some of your usual mannerisms.

“You’re already pretty drunk, though,” Tom responded, chuckling lightly.

Even though his words were true, you still gasped, offended. “No, I’m not!”

Once again, Tom laughed, and the sound made your heart simultaneously flutter and ache.

His laugh was your favorite thing about him, not only the soft and happy sound of it but the way his mouth turned up in a wide smile as he did so too. And hearing that oh-so-familiar laugh right then made you realize that this was the first time you’ve heard it in a while, and it also made you desperately want to listen to it again.

“I still love your laugh so much,” You told him, knowing you would not have said that if you were any hint of sober.

As the words spilled from your lips, you noticed the corner of Tom’s mouth perk up the tiniest bit in a smile. “And this honesty is how I know you’re very drunk right now.”

You rolled your eyes, and a full smile took over your features. “I didn’t see you drink at all tonight.”

Tom simply shrugged. “Wasn’t really in the mood.”

The grey elevator doors then opened up to the nineteenth floor before you could say anything in response to Tom’s statement. Both you and he exited the elevator, and you began walking in the direction of your hotel room. That was until you noticed that none of the numbers was the one for your room, and instead of the room numbers on the doors decreasing to the one that was yours, they were actually increasing.

“Wait, fuck. We’re going the wrong way.” You quickly turned around and started walking in the opposite direction. The abrupt action caused you to trip over absolutely nothing but your own feet. Tom attempted to reach for you, but you hit the ground before he could even get the chance to grab your arm.

“Shit, you okay, Y/N?” Tom asked as he knelt down next to you.

You nodded at his question as you laughed a bit and sat up on the carpeted floor, crossing your legs under you. “I’m okay. Can we actually sit here for a sec? The floor is pretty comfortable.”

Tom smiled amusingly at your drunken actions and proceeded to sit down across from you on the carpeted floor of the hallway.

It was quiet for a few moments, and things mainly consisted of you silently admiring his face and him attempting to decipher what you were thinking.

“How are you and Lily?” You asked him. The question randomly came to mind, and before you could stop it from coming out of your mouth, it was blurted.

To say Tom was confused about your words would be an understatement. He hadn’t posted anything about his new relationship yet since it was still slightly recently, and he was nowhere near ready to do so. When you two were together, it took over ten months until you both decided to “go public” with your relationship.

“We’re good,” He answered after his brief moment of confusion. “I didn’t even know that you know about Lily and me.”

Your shoulders lifted in a simple shrug. “I was talking to Harrison about a month ago, and he accidentally mentioned it.”

That conversation was something you remembered all too well. Specifically, the bittersweetness you felt when Harrison told you that Tom was with someone new. You knew that it was a good thing, and overall you were happy for him, but you couldn’t help but feel the tiniest twinge of sadness, knowing that Tom being in a new relationship meant that things were truly over for the two of you.

The thought made you feel a thousand times more upset than you knew you would’ve felt if you were sober. And it also made you feel like an idiot because you were the one who ended things all those months ago, so you shouldn’t be feeling sad at all. But if you considered the circumstances which made you end things, your emotions entirely made sense.

“Hey, are you okay?” Tom was quick to notice how upset you looked, and his voice was full of concern.

God, now you absolutely hated the fact that you were drunk. It made the tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes feel uncontrollable.

You ultimately swallowed back the tears and sad thoughts, letting your drunken mind roam to a place that was much less depressing. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just— Nevermind. Hey, do you remember that time we went to Disney and became completely obsessed with the churros? I swear we both had like five that day.”

You had no idea how your mind brought you to thinking about and bringing up that story, especially because it was something you hadn’t thought about in forever. But the memory always made you laugh, just as you were doing right then.

Tom laughed too as he nodded his head. “That feels like it happened so long ago, but yeah, I remember that. Honestly, I’d go back to Disneyland just for the churros.”

The more you thought about that memory, the more you missed those times with Tom. It made you wonder if he missed that as well. Does he miss me too?

Even though you were drunk, your brain was smart enough not to ask that question. However, it was sadly not smart enough to stop you from saying the next thing you said.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

Once again, a confused expression took over Tom’s features. He had no idea where you were going with your question, but he still nodded his head, quite curious about what you were going to tell him. “Sure,” He said along with the nod.

You leaned a tad bit closer toward Tom and dropped your voice to a whisper. “Sometimes I wish that I didn’t lie to you at the airport by saying I wouldn’t do the same for you, which was basically me saying that I didn't love you. Because I really did love you.”

Your softly spoken words lingered in the air between you and Tom for many moments after they fell from your lips.

If you somehow remembered what you just told him in the morning, the smallest part of you that was sober knew that you would completely regret the confession you made.

However, you were unsure if you’d regret the confession more than the actual lie you had told Tom all those months ago; because that was something that the deepest part of you regretted every day.

• • •

The next time you two would see each other was very uncertain. Tom was getting on a plane to London, which was what led you to drive him to LAX, and it was a flight that you would’ve taken with him if there weren’t some things you needed to handle in Los Angeles for the next week.

You were both pretty good at making set plans on when you would see each other next, especially considering how busy your schedules could always be. But, this time was much different. A photography job was going to be taking you to New Zealand for the next six months, and Tom was going to start filming a new movie in Canada in a couple of weeks. It felt like your lives were moving in two completely different directions.

You had known that fact for a long time, but you loved him so much that you always pushed away all of those doubts and worries that would flood your mind.

The past week was when you finally decided to stop. You couldn’t halt the thoughts that took over your brain, and quite frankly, you didn’t want to. Mainly because of how much sense they made. Both of your respective careers were exponentially growing, with your nature photography becoming more recognized and Tom receiving more acting jobs. And those facts were something that you knew would only continuously draw the two of you farther and farther apart.

“So, I’ll see you soon?” Tom’s questioning words pulled you out of your thoughts, and you turned to look at him as he began gathering his things from your car, knowing that the drop-off point you had to park in front of didn’t allow for too long goodbyes.

You were quiet for a few moments, having absolutely no idea how you wanted to word your next statement. Tom looked over at you with curious and hopeful eyes, and that expression made what you knew you had to say feel a million times harder.

“I don’t know,” You finally said, the words coming out soft and almost too quiet, but Tom was still able to hear them.

His eyebrows furrowed in immediate confusion, and he stopped his actions of attempting to make sure everything was in his carry-on backpack. “What do you mean?”

“Next week I’m going to New Zealand for six months, and you’re going to film in Canada. And then after that, there are probably just gonna be more jobs that will push us further away from each other. Our lives are moving in two completely different directions, Tom.” Your words came out rushed, but that didn’t change how true they were.

“We know how to make things work, though. We just had to do a long period of long-distance a few months ago when I had to be in France for a month, and you were here, and we made it through that,” Tom told you, and there was that hopeful look again, making your heart lurch the longer you looked at him.

You pulled your eyes away from him and turned your attention downward for a brief moment. “Yes, we did, but it was still so hard, and we both knew it. And even then, we at least had a set date when we knew we would see each other again. Right now, we have absolutely no clue, and it’s just going to continue to get harder.”

Tom wanted to rebuttal your statement, but he didn’t know the exact thing to say right then, so instead, he opted for the dreaded question, “So what does that mean for us?”

A beat of silence went by before you answered him with, “I think we both know what that means.”

“Just say it, Y/N,” Tom said, and you could already see the hurt that was brimming behind his features. It made you hate the fact that you'd become able to read him so well. You turned your gaze away from him and instead focused your eyes on the Nevada license plate of the car that was in front of you.

This was it. There was nothing more you could do to tread around the words that had to be said.

“I think it would be best if we broke up.”

Silence prevailed in the small space of your car for what felt like hours but was actually just barely a minute. A car honking from behind you put an end to the quiet, and you finally turned to look at Tom.

“You should go. You’re gonna miss your flight.” The fact that you were still processing the last words that you just said to Tom made your voice sound distant and quiet.

Tom was quick to shake his head. “I don’t care about the flight right now. You can not expect me to give up on us so easily, Y/N.”

You didn’t know what to respond to him with, so instead, you just gave him the smallest shrug.

“I love you. We can figure everything out and make it all work,” Tom told you. “If there are times where I need to give up an acting job to make sure that we’re not away from each other for months at a time, then I’ll do it. I really don’t need to take on every role that is offered to me, and I won’t if that means I don’t have to lose you.”

You knew exactly how true those words were, and that was what scared you. In a heartbeat, Tom would give up any acting job if that meant he would get to spend more time with you, and you would do the exact same for him. However, you knew that that was not a good thing. You had always been someone that thought about things long-term, and you knew that regret would eventually spur from both ends if the two of you continuously did that, and that regret would lead to resentment. That was exactly what you did not want to happen.

Once again, you were quiet, not responding to his words with anything, so Tom took that as his cue to continue on, saying something that almost mimicked your previous thoughts. “I know you’d do the same for me too, Y/N. We love each other so much.”

You did love Tom so much, sometimes maybe even too much. And you also knew that he loved you the same amount too; it was a fact that was easily confirmed from the current pleading look in his eyes. However, as much as it hurt, you knew exactly what you needed to do.

“No,” You said with the slightest shake of your head. You took a shallow breath and disconnected your eyes from Tom’s before you finished off your sentence. “I wouldn’t do the same for you.”

There was no need to look at Tom to gather his reaction to your words because you had a strong feeling what it was. Hurt and heartbreak. And that was something that you really did not want to see.

The sound of a car honking again behind you broke the growing silence again, and Tom took that as his cue to finally exit your car. He said nothing to you as he slung his bookbag over his shoulder, grabbed his suitcase from the backseat, and then headed into the airport.

You had just told him something that was a complete and utter lie, and as much as you wanted to chase after him and tell him that your statement had been just that, you didn’t. As you watched his figure become smaller and smaller as he continued inside the expansive airport, you noticed that he did not turn to look back at you once. That was what let you know that the damage was done.

Your heart hurt like hell right then, a completely self-inflicted wound, but you knew that in the long run, your actions would prove to be the right thing. The pain from it all would ease up eventually.

• • •

Tom had absolutely no idea what to say in response to your confession. He was beyond confused and had no idea if you were even telling the truth; he honestly hoped that you weren’t.

That day at the airport was fucking heartbreaking for him, and if it actually had all been just a lie, he wouldn’t know how to feel.

Before he could utter any type of response to your previous words, your drunken mind moved to a completely different place, disregarding everything that had come out of your mouth less than a minute ago.

“I’m really tired,” You said and stood up from the cross-legged position you were in on the floor so that you could start heading to your hotel room.

Tom wordlessly followed suit, and less than a minute later, the two of you were standing in front of your door. You pulled your key card from your pocket and managed to unlock the door after receiving some help from Tom. Using the card was something that had already been slightly difficult to do sober, so adding your drunkenness to the table did not make it any easier.

When the door was opened, you began to step inside the room, but you stopped when you decided to pull Tom in for a hug. He felt completely awkward and tense at the action, but that was something that you didn’t at all notice due to your inebriated state.

“Goodnight, Tommy,” You said to him once you pulled back from the embrace. The nickname you used to always call him, slipping out way too easily.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Tom responded, forcing out a small smile. His mind was still completely stuck on your drunk confession, and he knew that he would be thinking about it all night.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know your thoughts! <33

[galacticlamps]

im sorry im sorry im sorry i know it’s been well over a year but i accidentally thought about Short Trips: Deleted Scenes (again) and it’s killing me (again) so i think im just gonna go ahead and post all these stupid thoughts that have been plaguing me about it since i first heard it & maybe that’ll help clear up some space in my head for like, real life things.

Spoilers I guess? It’s like a year and a half old but also high key the most recent 2nd doctor content i believe we’ve gotten which is like, the only negative thing I can say about it

The TLDR version is this:

I literally cant believe how sweet it is? Painful, but sweet. Like. I don’t honestly know what’s more likely - did they set out to write Jamie a nice little straight love interest and just fail miserably at it by constantly likening her to the Doctor AND paralleling the Doctor’s perspective with her ex’s AND putting Jamie’s relationships with both of them in direct tension with each other while constantly letting his with the Doctor win out?

OR - did they do a very 1960s thing and say hey we’re gonna write what’s essentially a story about how much Jamie and the Doctor love each other and release it on Valentine’s Day thinly disguised as a one-off romance with a french lady?

Now, as a general rule, my attitude toward questions like that is usually “don’t know, don’t care, doesn’t matter” - and while I 100% stand by that, I also have to admit that this particular audio seems to pay enough attention to detail that I’d kind of think I was selling it short if I assumed too many of these things were just meaningless coincidences, you know?

Anyway, that’s the most coherent/overarching thought. And here’s a disorganized list of things I absolutely cannot get over about it (they don’t form any kind of argument, mind, they just all happen to live rent free in my head):

- Celine is first taken in by Jamie being an idiot (specifically him claiming not to speak French, in perfect French); likewise, her entrance in the scene where they actually kiss is marked with a little anecdote about her hat getting stuck on a doornail and her scolding it as she attempts to fix her un-tameable appearance, and the narration says Celine “would often clown for Jamie like this” - all of which, while undeniably adorable, don’t exactly strike me as entirely original traits to have been assigned to Jamie’s love-interest (but also Celine is so cool and her perspective on film/media/time is an excellent addition to the long list of dr who characters)

- When they’re in the present, describing Jamie’s relationship with Celine in 1908, they call him her “companion” and highlight his going nearly everywhere with her, which earns a laugh from the 4th doctor (and me as well, though probably for slightly different reasons - but like, is that really all it takes to have a fling with someone in 60′s era who? bc if so...)

- Celine’s ex-fiance is still in love with her and is jealously watching when she kisses Jamie ... and then the Doctor appears beside him, evidently doing the exact. same. thing. They have the following conversation:

“You know, it’s not prudent to spy on people. But then, people in pain can’t be expected to act prudently.”

“Pain, monsieur? You mistake me.”

“Ah, do I? Good, because I rather thought you’d lost something.”

“What would you know about loss monsieur?”

- I’m sorry doc but who do you think you are, saying stuff like that and smiling sadly at the floor to boot? I 100% had to pause it here the first time I listened, just to not throw my laptop across the room. 

- Then when I recovered continued, the Doctor closes the door so they can’t watch anymore and explains “Possessing things comes so terribly easily to some men that losing them can feel cruel, intolerably cruel. In my experience, only the very best of men cannot be tempted to answer that cruelty with more - I do sincerely hope that you are the best of men.” (guess who gets described as the best of men by the end of the audio?)

- Jamie and the Doctor apparently develop a habit of walking along the river in Paris in silence

- During one such walk, Jamie suggests Celine come with them since she already figured out about the Tardis - and when the Doctor’s worried by this, he says he only allowed Jamie & Celine to grow closer “because of Victoria.” Jamie takes offense at the ‘allowing it’ comment and also refuses to admit he knows what the Doctor means about Victoria, which leads the Doctor to say that he knows how fond Jamie was of her - he was too, of course, but with him, “it was different, wasn’t it?” Jamie only says maybe that’s true and maybe that’s not, but his voice catches until he changes the subject

- Jamie doesn’t see Celine for days both times that she’s recovering from the shock and depression of her work being destroyed. In contrast, when the Doctor’s not well, Jamie’s "afraid” and “guilty” and hardly seems to leave his side at all, if his being there “rushing to embrace him” the second he wakes up - after a period Jamie describes as “at least a week” - is anything to go by, anyway. so either bf writers need to learn how to write a committed straight relationship or admit that’s not what they ever intended in the first place

- Oh yeah, and the Doctor spends that week "asleep” in Jamie’s bedroom - no, there’s no explanation as to if that’s where he was when he first collapsed or if it’s where Jamie decided to take him bc why would they feel the need to explain him being there? why was it even relevant to tell us it was Jamie’s room in the first place?

- The Doctor somehow manages to control the Tardis enough to take Celine on one trip to an alien planet and then return to the correct time & place for her to use the footage she recorded there in her new film - and while the audio doesn’t do very much to explain how that was possible, it does treat this as A Pretty Big Deal, and immediately afterward the Doctor has to spend a week communing with his past self (and/or the Tardis?) debating how likely it is that the Time Lords could use this to trace him. When he decides it’s not worth the risk and they have to stop the film from ever being shown to the public, Jamie asks why he agreed to it in the first place, and all he can say is “Because, Jamie, you asked me to!” earning awkward stares from the crowd.

- Oh, but, lest we forget, that little outburst is also immediately followed by him putting his arm around Jamie’s shoulders, and, shockingly, apparently beginning to actually explain the truth about the danger from the Time Lords - until they’re interrupted, of course idk why exactly but the idea of a 60s dr wanting to come clean with a companion but not being allowed to bc the show demands the war games be something of a reveal hurts me in a very good way

- The mental image of “the Doctor and Jamie, resplendent in borrowed evening wear”

- The audio admitting that Jamie’s not very good at subterfuge, and the Doctor asking if he’s going to be alright with them having to steal the film back from Celine - and Jamie’s little “Aye, Doctor” as he feels a ‘glass arrow piercing his chest’ glad to see bf is reading all my letters about exactly how i feel any time something sad happens to james robert mccrimmon

- The Doctor’s anxious to get out of there for obvious reasons, but he hangs around bc Jamie wants to see Celine again - which doesn’t happen, because of her aforementioned shock & depression, but she does leave Jamie a note that ends “you and that Doctor of yours - look after him Jamie, he loves you dearly, as do I.” yeah, if you didn’t want people to draw a parallel there, you could’ve picked, like, any other wording in the world.

- In case you weren’t fully convinced I’ve been reading too much into this whole audio already, consider this: Celine dies in Long Island in 1968, three days before her birthday - 1968 is when this story would’ve taken place in the show’s history (between Fury & Wheel), and dying three days before/after a birthday in America seems a bit... well I had some deja vu from it, anyway

- Four of all people being the one to bring back the film - I know he does it bc Sarah Jane makes him, but personally, I often feel like despite the length of his run, 4 is the Doctor with which we might’ve gotten the fewest glimpses into his interiority, so the fact that it’s him and not one of the more overtly sentimental Doctors makes it feel like it carries even more weight somehow, to me anyway. I think I wrote a post saying roughly the same thing about 4 & Fate of Krelos/Return to Telos but maybe I only did that inside my own head lol. Still, I’m all for any opportunities for Jamie to be one of the few characters to draw some noticeable emotion out of Four, but in fairness I haven’t touched too much of his EU stuff to really be able to compare the frequency with which this happens with other past companions

- Is Four referring to Two or Jamie when he says he got the film from “an old family friend”? Two did the actual stealing, but he probably means Jamie’s involvement - either way, it’s an interesting way of describing old companions - or selves?

- When Jemima goes to call Jamie a thief, Four is “roused” to defend him: “he really was the very best of men” again, any time four freely shows he cares about someone, im over the moon about it

- Oh ha ha, there’s an audio called “Deleted Scenes” featuring the Doctor who’s most affected by junked episodes. And at the end of it, a character who’s spent her life researching and lecturing about a lost film gets to watch it be ‘rediscovered’ after it’s gone unseen for decades. I feel marginally less stupid for reading into the other details of a story like this when it ends up deciding to be to be clever & slightly meta like that

But yeah

all in all, it’s kind of amazing to me that this genuinely reads like they sat down and said okay boys it’s valentines day, let’s write an audio where jamie kisses a girl, since that hasn’t happened except as a plot device in one story in 1967 - but then when they got down to business they accidentally(?) wrote a story all about how important his bond with the Doctor is and how easily that can be compared to a legitimate love interest (even if the love interest in question is a one off character & the extent of the relationship appears to be like one kiss & then having Jamie spend most of his time around the Doctor instead)

I realize there’s something slightly illogical about writing the words “shipping aside” after a post like this but seriously - no matter how many categories you’re able to see two & jamie’s relationship fitting into, this is 40 minutes of big finish just hitting you over the head with how powerful/special/important that relationship is, and with them being two of my favorite characters, i really haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since

[sweetchup]

A Helping Hand 4: Ghosts of Pasts // Day 1

Type: Shalnark x reader

Au?: Savior Au

Word Count: 2,800+

Warnings: Reminsing of last chapter, Injury, Meteor City mentioned

Author Note: Ah! I’m glad to be back writing this series sorry for the long wait. I split chapter 4 up into multiple parts so it’s going to be looooong.

Also, I’ve started a Taglist for all of my series to make it easier for people to find out when the next installation is. So if you want the be added just sent me an ask thats not anonymous and I’ll add you.

<—(Pt.3) / (Pt.4.2)—>

A Helping Hand Masterlist

It was the eve of December 18th, when snow finally fell throughout the Republic of Padokea. However, there was no celebration or cheer by the citizens as all of the festive winter holidays had already passed by then. With most just deciding to bunker in for a quiet night at home. Even at the Hospital near the bloodthirsty Heaven’s Arena it was rather quiet, almost dull in a way.

Though, one specific doctor, Doctor (y/n) of the intensive care unit, had little to complain about the lack of patients and activity. It was rather refreshing actually, mostly due to the fact it was your last night on the job before you went on your week long holiday break, a break you had planned out with your supervisor months ahead of time.

Months before you had met a specific man. Much more specifically, a specific patient named Shalnark Ryuseih. A member of the infamous Phantom troupe who you had saved from his demise at the Heaven’s Arena.

…. As well as someone you might have developed a really really big crush on during your time taking care of him. But, that’s a story for another day and something you shouldn’t be worrying about right now. Especially since you still have plenty of time left on the clock before you go home.

As the seconds click a way, you find yourself letting out a groan. It was no use. You couldn’t get him out of your mind.

You just wished that it was the usual thoughts of Shalnark that festered in your mind during work. The ones that were caused from something as simple as him holding you in his arms tighter than usual while he slept one night or perhaps a teasing comment he shot at you while passing in the hall.

But that sadly wasn’t the case.

For the last couple of weeks, Shalnark had been acting…… weird.

Well he technically always acted weird—a man who actually enjoyed indulging in birthday cake flavored ice cream could not be considered normal in your book— but this time, he was actually acting quite strange.

Sometimes, when doing check ups or just visiting his room you could hear him sigh. It was quite unnoticeable at first, you had just thought he was frustrated with some new tech thing he got into, but as December went on the sigh only got heavier and more frequent. This was also when some of Shalnark’s other actions started to be strange as well, something as simple as,“What are you doing for the Holidays?” Or, actually now that you think about it, anything that was remotely related to the holidays would have the corner of his lips drop slightly. Something very strange for him, for he hardly faltered that smile of his.

And it wasn’t as if you weren’t trying to find out what was wrong. You had asked him plenty of times about his new habits. Though, in a Shalnark fashioned way, he would just brush you off with a grin and be confused as to what you were talking about.

So, if Shalnark isn’t going to tell you himself what was wrong. You were just going to have to take it upon yourself to make him feel better. Emotional health is just as important as physical health in your book.

“For the last time (y/n), I hope you know what you are getting yourself into.” Mal reminds you for the 15th time since you entered her office space.

“Yes, yes. I understand, don't worry about it.” You reassure the older woman as you continue to fill in the blanks to finish up the paperwork. All the while attempting to ignore her as she nags your ear off. “Okay I’m done. Thanks by the way Mal, I really owe you one”

As Mal takes the paperwork from your hands, she gives you one last warning of caution,

“I know Shalnark is under your care and all, and you have gotten pretty close to him during his stay…. but don’t you think having him leave with you for vacation is a little much? It’s legal, for some odd reason, but you should be careful. Not only is he a grown man that could try anything while you are alone with him but if any of the higher ups hear about this, you could get in a lot of trouble.”

“True, but I doubt that,” You hum out as you fumble with grabbing your winter coat off the rack, “The higher ups don’t exactly care much about paperwork unless one of the secretaries, like yourself, reports something. So unless you choose to report me, I don’t have much to worry about.”

“Fine. Just…. be careful. I swear you have been getting more and more reckless the more you spend with that man.”

“I will. Don’t worry, Mal. See you in a week!!”

“Okay, see you in a week.” Mal responds back, her wave goodbye immediately faltering as you close the door. Taking a deep breath to calm down the uneasy feeling in her gut, She just hoped you knew what you were doing.

Once Mal sends you off, you make your way in the direction of Shalnark’s room. You are excited to tell him about your little surprise but also quite scared because you did not exactly ask him… permission…. to sign him out.

“Come in.” Shalnark's voice rings out from behind the door as you knock. Coming into the room, you see that, as per normal, Shalnark was clicking away at his laptop. He seemed busy with something since even when you took the seat at his bedside he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the screen.

After a couple more minutes of listening to the clicking of keys, Shalnark finally closes his laptop and turns his attention to you.

“Hello (y/n)! What brings you in here today?” He asks, resting his chin on one of his hands as he observes you. As Shalnark scans you up and down you can’t help but notice the mischievous look in those blue eyes of his. You kind of wondered what he was thinking, or possibly planning, but then again— knowing Shalnark —you didn’t want to know what was running through that brain of his.

“Can’t I just visit you?”

“I guess you could.” Shalnark comments halfheartedly as if you don’t already visit him for fun on the daily already, “I’m just surprised you haven’t gone home for your vacation. It’s your last shift tonight, right?”

Shalnark might have asked the last part as a question, but you already knew— from tons of experience with dealing with him —that he already formed his own answer in his head.

“Missed me that much huh?...” Shalnark whispers out, his eyes seeming to sparkle under the light as he leans back against the headboard of his bed.

“S-shut up.” You grumble out. Swiftly putting the paperwork in your hand up to your face as you could already feel your cheeks begin to flare up from flusteration. You swore this man had no sense of fear or dignity.

“Hmm?” You feel Shalnark grab at the paperwork wrinkled in your hand; recognizing his photo ID on the cover. “What’s this?”

“Paperwork.”

“What type of Paperwork?” Shalnark presses forward, already taking it from your hand to examine it. No matter how close you two have gotten during his stay, he has always been extremely thorough about looking at what you put down on his paperwork. Must be something he picked up while being in the troupe you guessed.

Suddenly, you see Shalnark’s gaze pause on a section of the paperwork. His body unintentionally freezing up in surprise as he rereads it again. However, instead of instantly asking or explaining his confusion, your eyes are trained to his lips, ever so slightly parted due to confusion.

Unconsciously, you run your fingers over your neck. Your mind flashing back to what happened when Shalnark was under the effect of the aphrodisiac drug. The tingly feeling of his lips raking up and down your neck. Kissing, sucking and biting at any possible skin he could—

“(Y/n), What is this?” He mumbles out, his eyes still trained to the paperwork.

“U-uh Well…” You pause for a second as you try to calm yourself down from your thoughts, thinking about what you should exactly say, “Recently, I’ve noticed you being quite down. Kind of depressed or miserable in a way—”

“Huh? I haven’t been depressed.” Shalnark exclaims, snapping out of the trance he was in as well as cutting off what you were saying.

“Let me finish idiot.” You grumble at Shalnark, flicking his forehead in anger. “Also even if you aren’t depressed—“

“Which I’m not.”

“...Do you want to get punched this time?” You threatened, watching as Shalnark suddenly broke out in a cold sweat. Memories flashing in his head of Lara pissing you off and facing your unwavering wrath. After one last glare, you continued what you were explaining, “As I was saying, Even if you aren’t depressed, it would be good for you to get out of the hospital. Hence why I decided to sign you out for my vacation week.”

It’s silent in the room as Shalnark just stares at you; an unreadable expression on his face. However, before you can figure out what expression it was, he quickly snaps out of it.

“Oh nice. That’s actually awesome.” Shalnark announces out, letting out a small giggle. “Just one question though… Is this even legal?”

“In a way…” You squeak out, watching as Shalnark looks at you with a knowing smile. Clearly understanding that you were pressing the line of legality and a possible felony in this situation.

“Well,” You watch as Shalnark shuffles out of bed; Planting his feet in front of yours before sending you a subtle wink, “Let’s get out of here before we get caught, okay?”

—.—.—.—.—.—

“So,” Shalnark starts, looking at the small white townhouse in front of him, “This is your house?”

“Um. Yeah?” You answer questioningly as you fiddle with your keys, “What about it?”

“Oh nothing.” You watch as Shalnark squats down in front of the garden gnome next to your tomato plant. Seeming to take in the plethora of plants covering your front patio. “It’s cute. I like it.”

“Thanks.” You mumble out bashfully as you unlock the front door, “I only rent the bottom floor of this place so it's quite small. But it's home.”

Before you enter, You offer a hand to help Shalnark up (He still has quite the injury in his legs after all) and watch as he walks inside your house; a limp still ever present as he walks. You just hope that he doesn’t push himself too far while with you. He might be a nen user but—

“Oh wow!” Shalnark’s voice calls out from inside the house, breaking your train of thoughts as you shut and lock the door. Confused yet curious at what he found interesting in your house, you slipped off your shoes—taking a small mental note that you should tell Shalnark to take off his as he forgot to— and walked over to his location. As you round the corner of the hall and gaze into your living room, you can’t help but let out a huff of a laugh. You can’t believe you totally forgot about Chloe.

There she stood, your 8 year old Sphynx cat that a college roommate had given you years ago, curled up in a fluffy blanket on top of her cat tree. Shalnark stood in front of the tree, looking up at the cat with an amused look as it glared down at him.

“Chloe.” You call out to your cat as you make your way next to Shalnark, “Come here baby.”

As you lift the cat off the tower, still wrapped in a blanket, and cradle her in your arms, you feel your breath hitch for a second. You turn your head as you feel a sudden pressure on your back and see Shalnark leaning over your shoulder. You stood there frozen and flustered, unable to move or look away from his face, from how close he was to you. However, Shalnark doesn’t notice how flustered you are; his attention focused on the cat in your arms. Eventually, he brings his hand down to pet her. Watching curiously as she sniffs his hand for a second before allowing him to touch her.

“They truly don’t have any fur…” Shalnark muses out as he rubs at Chloe’s ears, causing you to smile as you feel the rumbling of her purrs against your chest. “Hey (y/n)... did you know these guys are actually from Meteor city?”

“Wait… Really?” You shout out surprised, finally snapping out of the trance you were in.

“Yep!” Shalnark states rather proudly, “They were caused by accidental breeding by abandoned cats in the junkyards. …Though, the ones from Meteor city are quite rabid and terrifying so you can’t pet them like this. They would surely kill you.”

Startled, you give Shalnark a confused look, “No way…You're joking…”

“Nope.” He responds, popping the ‘p’ at the end as he walks away from you two and takes a seat on the couch. Your back suddenly feeling quite cold now that he was no longer next to you. “Even our toughest members like Phinks and Feitan were scared of those things.”

“Oh wow…“ You mumble out in amazement, placing Chloe back at the top level of the cat tree before taking a seat next to Shalnark. “...Meteor City sure sounds scary.”

“Eh, in a way.” Shalnark sighs out, stretching his back before suddenly resting his head on your lap. Startled at the act of affection, you freeze and stare down at him. Your mouth agape in shock. What… What was he doing?

“Oh.” Shalnark murmurs out as he takes note of your expression, already beginning to sit up, “Sorry, I stepped over a line didn’t I—”

“Ah! No!” You shout out, startling the both of you at how loud you were, “I mean… uh. I don’t mind, it just surprised me that’s all.”

“Oh. Okay?” Shalnark says, raising an eyebrow at you. As he sees your still worried expression looking down at him as he lays back down, he decides to flick at your forehead, surprising you. You two stare at each other for a couple of seconds before breaking out into light laughter at your stupid expression.

“W-what was that huh?”

As your laughter eventually stops, leaving you two in a comfortable silence, you stare down at Shalnark; his arms lazily crossed above his head with his eyes shut.

“You know…” You start, a stifle of a giggle sneaking up as a funny thought crosses your mind, “...You remind me of a cat right now.”

“Oh really?” Shalnark huffs out amused, popping one of his eyes open to gaze up at you.

“Yeah. All elongated on the couch, looking like you're about to fall fast asleep… Just like a little kitty cat.” You cooed out at him, taking two strands on the opposite sides of his head to form cat ears.

Shalnark sputters out a laugh before sending you a wink, “Go on. Give me a pet, Doc.”

You feel yourself freeze up as everything that has happened in these last couple of minutes hits you like a truck. Shit… You're his doctor, you idiot. This was what Mal was talking about about you getting too close with him. You have feeling for him but you can’t—

“Hey (y/n). You know…” Shalnark murmurs out, snapping you out of your thought, “One day…, I would like to take you to Meteor City.”

“R-really?” You answered, confused as where this was suddenly coming from.

“Yeah…” You watch as Shalnark eyes shift up towards the ceiling. His eyes unfocused and expression dazed as if he was off in a distant memory, “Not right now… But, In the spring…”

A smile slowly edges its way onto his face.

“Yeah… The spring,” He murmurs out again, sort of to himself, before looking at you, “You wouldn’t believe what it is like in Meteor City at the start of spring, (Y/n)... After a long hard rainy winter, seeds from rotten food, or hidden in garbage, come blooming out. It hardly lasts a month but… It’s gorgeous….”

As he stares up at you with those dazzling blue eyes of his, you can’t help but finally allow your hand to rest in his blonde locks. Wanting to understand more about that far off memory he had.

“I-I…” You murmur out, pausing as a small smile comes upon your face, “I can’t wait… Shal. Do… Do you think you could tell me more about your home while I wait?”

Just…

Just one more time, you’ll let your affections slide.

Allowing yourself to blur the lines of professionalism and wanting more.

Taglist: @meromelodi, @quartetstarheaven, @yumezai, @lvndrhwis, @writtenappreciation , @jojo-sinner, @pastelbear12, @aly-kurta, @bbunnycore, @feifood

[aquilacalvitium]

Hello!!! I’ve been trying to find you for weeks! I noticed you like Black Veil Brides a while back and decided to try listening to them again. I used to listen to them back in high school, and when I tried them again I promptly hyperfixated and now I’ve been listening to almost nothing but The Phantom Tomorrow album for like...a month lol. Also bought two entire albums over a weekend. Only problem was I couldn’t remember which of the people I followed had started the whole thing...but I finally found you just now! So 1) thank you for getting me back into BVB, unintentional though it may have been, and 2) please tell me anything you want about BVB. Literally anything. Take this as an opportunity to infodump if you’d like. There’s definitely a lot I don’t know!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BOI (gender neutral) you don't know how happy these words make me!!!

So firstly hi hello I'm SO HAPPY I got you back into BVB!! Also you probably sent this to my BVB side blog so yeah this is my main account :3

WHERE. TO. BEGIN???

Well I, like you, first listened to them in high school then stopped for several years before diving head-first in and playing their music on repeat for months! I remember there were just a select few I listened to at first including Fallen Angels, In The End and one or two others. I also found Wake Up in college when they uploaded the music video close to my birthday and I played that on repeat for weeks. THEN FINALLY I went all in, bought all of their music and ever since about 80-90% of what I listen to has been BVB! I'm even considering getting a couple of BVB tattoos 👀

BUT when someone asks me to talk about BVB, the main thing I want to talk about is Legion of the Black, and judging by your ask you haven't been deep into the BVB fandom for super long so this Legion of the Black (LotB) may have slipped under your radar. Allow me to clarify!

In 2013, BVB released Wretched and Divine (WaD), their third album (and my favourite). Along with the album, they also released LotB, a film that's basically just a feature-length music video. The film includes every single track from the album (yes even the transmissions) in a different order to how they're listed in WaD because they tell a story! I won't spoil what the story is and if you want to watch it, I found the full version on youtube for you! You can also buy Wretched and Divine Ultimate Edition which includes both the CD and DVD, or Deluxe Edition which has all that PLUS Behind the Scenes footage!

Watching LotB will also shed some light on the Born Again music video that they released today 👀👀👀

And one last thing to bore you with, I wrote a non-smut, fully completed fanfiction about LotB! It's an OC-insert and the main character is nonbinary. The story is actually pretty dark as the main character goes through a heavy bout of depression and everything that comes with it, but all content warnings are listed in the fic description and at the beginnings of each chapter, that way you can skip specific chapters that include things you don't like and still read the rest. I'm also working up the energy to add a synopsis to each chapter for those who skipped but still want to know what happened. I'm just lazy 😅

And because Ashley was present at the time LotB was released, but I wrote it after Lonny joined, I found a way to keep both of them in.

Oh and if you didn't know, Ashley Purdy the bassist left the band in 2019 and his spot was soon taken by Lonny Eagleton. There are rumours going around about why Ashley left, some are quite mean, but people tend to do that when someone they like changes career paths or leaves a group or whatever so I don't know how true they are.

I'm also slowly writing an essay of sorts on the history of the band and it's individual members, but it's not yet complete and idk where/if I'll post it when it is because it's not exactly the kind of writing I can post on AO3

ANYWAY that's about all the infodumping for now! But by all means feel free to ask me anything, I can almost guarantee I'll have an answer 😋 (special interest my beloved)

[marueonmain]

Sun Would Be Good ~ ImAllexx (2/2)

(part one) (part two)

Summary: Alex tries to help Y/N out during a difficult time. She is not accepting of his help after how he acted in the past.

Pairing: imallexx x reader

Warning: Language. Themes of Self-Deprecation. Depression Talk.

Word Count: 1.4k

Not even an hour after his girlfriend left did Alex become so overwhelmed with guilt that he was out of bed and standing in Y/N’s doorway with head in hands and a million apologies. She gauged his sincerity with brows furrowed in thought. Alex sniffled, stifling tears as he watched her watch him.

He was an absolute wreck: grease shined on his forehead, his lips were pale and cracked. Beyond the dark bags and prominent veins in his eyes, there was something else, something besides regret: deep, unsettling fear. Alex was afraid that his outburst would be it for him that Y/N would realize how pathetic and shit he was (or at least he thought himself to be); he feared she would leave.

Y/N stepped forward and placed a chaste kiss to his lips, accepting his apologies. Alex continued to spend the next two weeks, making an effort every hour of every day to do or brainstorm what he could do to regain her trust completely. Never wanting her to think he could or would go off on her again.  

Twitter - Y/Username · 202X-12-10 “I’m going off social media for a couple of days. If I survive, you will be hearing from me next week. #staysafe”

Alex read the tweet over again. It was not the most outlandish thing ever for someone to go on a break from social media's toxic environment and especially from twitter. No. It was not the most outlandish thing ever, but it was enough – the tweet, the wording, the timing – for a certain degree of concern.

When Y/N did not pick-up his call – Alex thought maybe she was in the shower. And when Y/N did not reply to his texts – he considered her phone might be on silent. And when Y/N did not respond to either in six hours – he wondered if she might want time to herself. And when Y/N had not reached out to him in eighteen hours – Alex went to her apartment.

Y/N opened her front door as if in slow motion, giving Alex time to take her all in. Apart from some baggier joggers than usual, a shirt with dye or some other dark stain around the collar, and untidied hair, she looked…well…normal. And that was good, right? He went to see her because he was worried and there she was looking fine and safe and like herself.

Alex sighed with relief. “Hi, babe.”

“Hi,” she spoke low but not timid.

Both stood for a breath in silence, looking at each other. More so, Alex felt he was looking at Y/N, and, while her eyes were meeting his, she herself was not. A thousand-yard stare, that is what people called that type of look, but Alex never thought he saw it in person until he saw it from Y/N.

He asked, “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” Y/N backed up from the door allowing her boyfriend a few steps inside.

“I got you some breakfast; it’s your favourite,” Alex forced a chipper tone into his voice as he brought the bag he was holding low to his side, up near his face, and smiled like he was posing for a deliveroo advert. “I’ll plate it for you if you want.”

“I already ate cereal this morning.” Y/N dropped her gaze and headed towards the living room; she added an apathetic, “Thanks, though.”

Alex took the food to Y/N’s kitchen and put it in the fridge. He returned to see Y/N sat on her sofa, flipping through her continue watching list on netflix; he sat down beside her.

He asked, “What are you watching?”

“I don’t know.”

“We could watch something together.” He nudged her shoulder with his. “I’ll grab a blanket, and we can cuddle – you love that. What’s that movie you wanted to show me, remember, the one we were gonna watch on your birthday but weren’t able to? You remember the name?”

Y/N sighed, not taking her eyes off the screen. “We didn’t get to watch it because something happened with that week’s eboys footage, and you were in a panic call with James and them for three hours.”

“Oh. Right, right,” Alex said more to himself.

All the lights in the room were switched off. It would have been pitch black in the space if not for the bright screen and all the window curtains being drawn, letting in the somewhat obscured natural light of the chill London morning. Alex watched as Y/N clicked through her continue watching list to the end and then started over again. Her grip on the remote was loose, and her eyes uncaring.

He said, “You seem tense. I could run you a bath, would you like that? It’d be nice and warm, relaxing. Put bubble bath or a bath bomb in there – make it smell nice.”

“No.” Y/N’s jaw became rigid as she spoke through her teeth, “Please don’t.”

“Last time you were down like this, you liked it when I ran you a bath.”

“Yeah?” Y/N spun her head to face him as her face took on an all-over wicked expression, her shoulders stiffened as if she were about to jump into a fighting stance; with a cruel curled lip, she continued, “Well, last time you were ‘like this,’ you yelled in my face telling me to fuck off.”

A small whimper escaped Alex’s mouth at the change, and for the first time that morning, it was him who dropped eye-contact. He babbled out, “I thought we were past that. I apologized; I didn’t mean it. It just happened.”

“No, it didn’t!” Y/N yelled and took to her feet. “Nothing we do ‘just happens.’ No matter how quick the decision was – you chose to shout at me. In that half-second before, you knew what you were going to do – you knew you were going to lash out – and you knew it was going to be at me. And a half-second is a hell of a long time for you to have backed out, for you to have not done it, but you did.”

Y/N moved to face out a window, away from Alex; she sighed a long sigh that ended with a hiccup. A near minute passed before she turned around, with eyes wet enough to shine even in the low light. She said, “It sucks. It sucks because we didn’t choose to be how we are, and we did nothing to deserve it. But no matter how screwed up the chemical balance in your brain is, you’re still responsible for your actions, Alex. You being here now, playing nurse or whatever, that doesn’t change what happened.”

“Neither does being cold and pushing me away.” Alex jumped to his feet as well; he stood still, gesturing with palm-open hands as he spoke. “You need support right now, even if you’re too stubborn or proud to admit it. Or maybe you feel like it would make you a burden to reach out. You’re not a burden, Y/N.”

He searched her eyes for a break in their hardness as he continued, “Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. And that sounds so simple a concept to grasp, but you and I know it’s not. I’m trying to grow and learn as well. I am. I’m not here to try and further make things up to you – I’d like to be able to, but that is not what I’m doing right now. I’m here because if I were to walk out now, knowing how upset you were, I would hate—” his voice breaks on the last word, and he starts over, “I would hate myself even more than I already do.”

“Alex, I—”

“You can hate me, Y/N.” A tear slips over his waterline. “I’d understand if you did, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here for you. I’m always here for you.”

Y/N crossed the room and crashed into Alex in an embrace that should have left one or the other bruised. Both clung to one another tighter than ever before. And as Y/N had her hands wrapped around him, she felt how Alex’s shoulder shook slightly. It was comforting to know that it was not just her who was struck with emotion, who was being vulnerable; it was them together. As it should be.

“You really hurt me, Alex,” Y/N said, her words muffled from how she buried her face in his shoulder.

He kissed her hair and whispered back, “I know. I’m so sorry.”