documentalespodcast

[avpdgirlfriend]

trying to work out more.. im doing very beginner gentle exercises but ive only done them twice when im supposed to do them 6 days every week nd its been two weeks lmao

[angels-fantasy]

Girl let me just say your fics are superb and thanks for the quirkless child one I requested with Bakugou! I promise I’ll leave you be for a bit in a second, but… post final war; everyone who has came out alive clearly is suffering from injuries, health issues, and trauma (both physical trauma and mental trauma) no? So how about a Bakugou x Reader with a reader who was essentially Bubbly, Firery and Energetic, to after the war who is exhausted, is often having nightmares over Bakugou cause well he nearly died, sleep deprived and basically depressed because I can guarantee nobody should be sane after a war, especially not children like our lovely highschoolers. Please make it angst to comfort, because seeing how Bakugou also has developed I’m sure as sad as he would be he would also be understanding and try to be comforting (despite his awkwardness). I’d appreciate if you could get this done to be as close as possible (and maybe just a little long than the one I requested last time- no pressure) BUT if anything you find in my request may be too triggering or something feel free to make it less triggering and change it, I just ask if you can keep the same vibe and theme with the reader who changed drastically after the wars and is getting comforted by Bakugou, Angst to comfort (duh), thank you so much, and I hope I’m not troubling you too much! — An anon who enjoys suffering, angst, and comfort ((SAC) Anon); (get it? Suffering, Angst, Comfort, SAC, wait that has a good ring to it, damn I have a new alias, I’ll shut up now)

I'm Okay, As Long as He's Here (Request)

Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Details/Warnings: reader has a panic attack and nightmares!! pls be weary of this. angst to fluff, well, my attempt at angst lol

Word Count: 1k

thank you for your request and the support :D it means a lot to me 🩷 btw don't ever feel like you're bothering me or like you need to leave me alone! i like talking to everyone :) also this is a good little plot, but im not the best at writing angst but this is helping me improve i think, so please tell me how i did! i really hope you like it SAC anon hahah

Before the war, you were a different person. Looking at you now, no one would ever guess you were once a bubbly, out going person. But Katsuki knew you were, and sometimes, he missed the old you.

It was hard to watch you wake up crying in the middle of the night from your horrible nightmares of the war. Some being about his near death experience, and others being about him dying in other ways.

Some nights, you didn't sleep at all, and it was really showing.

"Hey, keep your head up. I don't want you to fall asleep." Katsuki said. It was already months after the war, so you were all back at school, but you were one of the few students that was struggling the most.

He definitely has his struggles too, but he knew he had to be there for you, because yours were much worse.

You opened your eyes wider, trying your best to stay awake. "Sorry. I couldn't sleep last night."

"You havin' nightmares again?"

You nodded, he sighed.

"Come sleep in my dorm tonight. You sleep better with me and you know it."

You agreed and continued trying your best to stay awake for the rest of the day. Occasionally, Katsuki would have to wake you up or remind you to stay awake. The lack of sleep made it hard to focus, especially in Hero Training. Thankfully, Mr. Aizawa and the rest of the teachers were understanding of the students who were struggling.

Once school was over it felt like a weight was lifted off of your shoulders. You knew you had homework to do, but right now you'd rather sleep. Or at least attempt to. Since you were going to be with Katsuki tonight, you were probably only going to have one nightmare. Plus, he'd be there to comfort you.

Following your boyfriend to his dorm room, you immediately changed into some of your clothes that he had there for you, and then laid down on his bed.

For a while, you just silently watched him as he sat at his desk and did his homework, something you should also be doing.

"What're you starin' at?"

You smiled, but not as brightly as before, "I'm just admiring you."

He huffed, "Good, I'm awesome."

Rolling your eyes, you said, "And there he is."

He laughed and continued doing his homework. You just continued watching him, because it was something that comforted you. It was a reminder that he was okay and alive.

Knowing he was safe right in front of you, you fell asleep.

...

You didn't know what time it was, but it must've been late since the room you were in was dark.

You clutched your chest as you sat up in bed and breathed heavily, feeling tears prick your eyes.

Of course, you had another nightmare again. This one in particular was about Katsuki, and he was in the arms of Shigaraki. You saw the villain use his Decay quirk on him, and your boyfriend began to crumble away but you were paralyzed in your dream. There was nothing you could do.

The nightmare felt so real and so scary, like they usually do. You felt so helpless and scared. The evil that emitted from Shigaraki and All For One was something you'd always remember.

You subconsciously began to rock yourself back and forth and made self soothing noises as you continued to have a panic attack. They never got easier, or less scary as time went on. It always felt like you were going to die.

Your panic must've woke Katsuki up, because you suddenly heard his voice calling out to you.

"Hey, hey! Breathe baby, you gotta breathe." He said.

You shook your head, "I-I can't! It hurts. I'm scared, I'm gonna die!"

He carefully grabbed your hands and held them in his. He took one of them and brought it to his chest near his heart so you could feel it beat.

"What is my heart doing right now?" He asked. This was a method he used to ground you during these situations, especially because he knew how you felt about him and his safety.

You looked at his chest, "Beating. Your heart is beating."

"Right. Now what do you feel here?" He asked, now placing a hand on the blanket that was on top of you guys.

"The blanket."

"What does it feel like?"

"It's soft and fluffy."

As he continued distracting you from your panic, you eventually calmed down. You were still crying a bit, but he held you in his arms as you let it out.

"He killed you Katsuki. I was so scared, and I couldn't do anything!" You cried into his chest.

He rubbed your back, "You know that shit isn't real, no matter how real it feels. I'm right here living and breathing. I'm safe, okay?"

You nodded and sniffed, "Okay." You placed a hand on his chest over his heart and felt it beat, the steady rhythm of it comforting you.

Katsuki grabbed that hand and kissed the palm of it, "Love you. I'll be here all night, 'kay?"

"I love you too. Thank you."

"It's no problem."

The next morning, you felt more rested than usual. It must've been because you only had one nightmare, which was an improvement.

You noticed you woke up before your boyfriend, so you just let him sleep a little longer while you got on with your morning routine. You had a lot of your own things in his room, including an extra toothbrush which you were thankful for.

When he eventually woke up, he walked over to you and hugged you tightly.

"You feelin' okay?" He asked.

You nodded as best as you could in his tight grip, "Mhm."

"Be honest."

"I am! I feel a lot better than last night." You insisted as you pulled away slightly, still keeping your arms around him.

He hummed and kissed the top of your head, "Mkay. Wanna sleep with me again tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll bring more clothes later."

He smiled, "'Kay. Let's go to class." He said and threw an arm over your shoulder, making you smile up at him.

Yeah, you knew things would be okay as long as he was around.

authors note

i hope you liked it! i'm sorry it was kinda short, i've been in a little writing stump but im trying to get out of it!

love ya 🩷

tags for bakugou fics: @doumadono @shonen-brainrot

[scoops-aboy86]

🧠🪱Wiggly Wednesday🪱🧠

No one tagged me, I just had a brain worm on account of the @softsteddieseptember prompt “cheesy pickup lines” for this week. But this isn’t really an entry, just an outline that I don’t have the brainpower for right now. 

Steve is an actor who always gets what (who) he wants. He’s kind of been a fuckboy about it in the past, but his best friend and frequent co-star Robin is a good influence on him, helped him come to terms with and come out as bisexual and everything. 

Eddie is a computer programmer with a part time job as a barista, and has what he definitely feels is the misfortune to make Steve’s ridiculously customized latte. 

The latte isn’t foamy enough or something. Actually, it’s just that Steve has taken an interest and wants to get to know the cute barista, likes that Eddie doesn’t even recognize him from his movies at first. 

Eddie says something about his computer programming work, and Steve laughs and calls him a nerd, which does not go over well. 

Steve comes back most days whenever he’s in town, trying to salvage it, but Eddie is firmly convinced it’s unsalvageable, a nonstarter in the first place. No matter how disappointed he always feels on the days Steve doesn’t show, or how much he ends up telling Steve about his life in between rejections.

At some point Robin shows up at the cafe to let Eddie know she’s sorry he has to put up with her hopeless bff’s low-key stalking and that she’s trying to talk Steve into a long filming project in Europe to chill out, so he’ll soon be out of Eddie’s hair. 

Something something, idk, maybe Steve talked about Eddie to Dustin, who works in computers or something and needs a new programmer. Dustin reaches out to offer an interview while Steve is off incommunicado on set, totally Dustin’s own idea, Steve is just the reason he knows how to find the guy. Eddie gets the job purely on merit from that point and gets to quit working at the cafe, all his money problems are now solved. 

By the time Steve gets back, Eddie is close with Dustin and the rest of the kids, Hellfire Club style. They all think he’s the coolest. Also, they end up telling him a bunch of stories about Steve and how he used to be kind of a douchebag but has since grown into a really good dude. And even more recently (which Eddie eventually realizes means since he and Steve first met) has cooled it on dating around and ended up in a lot fewer gossip mags and tabloids, which has generally been pretty good for his mental health. 

Steve comes by one of their game nights and is caught completely unaware off guard. But he takes Eddie aside and apologizes for hanging around so much before. 

Eddie forgives him. Really, the worst Steve ever did was greet him with increasingly silly pickup lines and offer to show him a good time, only to leave with a shrug and his latte when Eddie turned him down again. Always tipped everyone at the cafe well, not just Eddie, and never made him feel like he expected anything because of it.

Steve points out that (*gestures the Party*) most of his favorite people are nerds, he’d just put his foot in his mouth like a dumbass that first day. (He does not mention that he used to get really defensive when people noticed/called him out on that, he’s come so far! Robin is so proud, even though he’s still definitely a dingus.)

Anyway, they start to part on good terms. Just before heading out, though Steve turns with a huge grin that Eddie recognizes and says, “Hey, since we’re starting off on a different foot now, let me introduce myself… My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?” 

Eddie stares at him, then laughs so hard that his face hurts. 

He finally takes Steve up on that date. 

Did I write all that up for the cheesy pickup punchline? Absolutely.

Do I wanna write the actual fic? Nah. So it’s up for grabs if anyone else wants to, just tag me so I can read it someday.

Tagging… idk, my permanent tag list I guess. 😛 I’m stuck in a car for 6 more hours (out of 11), gotta get this pasted in before I lose reception again.

@hotluncheddie @lawrencebshoggoth @sofadofax @irishvampireboy @oatmilk-vampire

@wheneverfeasible @hamiltonswiftie @grtwdsmwhr @yesdangerpls @theseaofdespair

[fatuismooches]

greetings!!! this is the first time i've ever shared my idea to anyone, kind of worry but guess that i have to share it with you because your writings are so good and i love how you execute scenarios and ideas (literally awake all night scrolling through your brainrot 😭😭😭😭)

let me tell you that fragile!reader and dottore is what keeps me awake at night i love them so much, i literally read everything in the tags, the fluff and angst is SOO GOOD NGL.

so, angst/ no comfort (because i love tormenting myself (⁠◠⁠‿⁠・⁠)⁠—⁠☆), fragile!reader and terminal lucidity - somebody suddenly became lively and conscious before their deaths. i see that you have written about fragile!reader whose memories are slowly deteriorating or slowly losing their eyesight. imagine one day, everything just come back...normal, the sudden recollection of memories, vision returned miraculously, no pain, no suffering, as if they were back to the days at Akademiya. they became gleeful, happy, full of live, no longer the gloomy, sick-ridden individual.

Dottore, of course, was surprised at this phenomenal, run more tests and check-ups just to be sure that we are actually healthy because there is no way we actually turn healthy after being sick in centuries. the segments however, especially Zandy, didn't think much about the whole ordeal. you are fine!! you can finally walking and running freely without being on life-support. your turn in health manage to turned them into a bunch of joyful, blue-haired maniacs with giddy, happy smiles on their lips.

we are fine for a few weeks, which also make Dottore himself believe that maybe, maybe his efforts have paid off, maybe our health have been stable, and maybe from now on, he could spend the rest of eternity with his beloved.

then we die (this is so mean i'm so sorry 😭😭😭😭😭). how they perish is completely up you but i'd preferably that they die in their sleep, a peaceful death. Dottore and the segments are... well, shocked is an understatement, their whole world have...gone, they'd question themself: how can this happen? you were fine in the past few weeks? In which Dottore blame himself the most, he shouldn't have believed that we were fine, he should have run more test, he should have been more cautious about the whole situation but now he completely felt... helpless, for the first time in millions of years. the only person who went thick and thin, the person that can tolerate him in the Akademiya days and the person that he can tolerate now have passed away.

(the ending is kind if short because idk what else to say since my vocabulary and grammar is rather limited. i hope this would be sufficient 😭😭😭😭😭 also looking forward on how you react to this. for now i'll just cry myself to sleep with this scenario while waiting for your work ❤️🥰)

- 🪷

It would come out of nowhere, no one expected it, no one believed it in the beginning. After all, over four hundred years of debilitating illness makes it hard for anyone to believe something good finally happened. But it does, when you first wake up you can feel that something is different - you definitely do some test runs in your room, picking up objects that were once too heavy for you, simple actions that no longer left you tired, no more aches or pains, it was marvelous. So obviously with your newfound energy, you sprint out to find anyone, hell even a random agent would do, because you're finally free. (You can already hear the voices of the segments - no running in the lab because of the very obvious dangers.)

Naturally, Dottore is very skeptical of this, yes, he does not trust how his heart beats at the sight of your glowing self putting on a little performance for him to show how healthy you are now, he can't bring himself to. He's witnessed how low you could become from the worst stages of your sickness, so although he's more than happy to see you well, the possibility of you falling back into such a state is very high. However he cannot find anything, and you don't show any visible signs either. Even so, he still watches you very closely. It's a feeling that always nags, one that may always nag him perhaps, the thought of you becoming worse. But he's not going to damper your mood with his thoughts, you should enjoy this.

Dottore and the segments would still scold you for your recklessness but realize that you are no longer sick and frail and they no longer have to fuss over your health. It's a very strange sensation that's hard to break out of since they've been doing it for so long. But it's good! You're happy! You're strong! You're the [Name] that was buried away, come to rise to the surface once more. Let's just say Zandy very much enjoys the piggyback rides. The checkups still persist as a general measure, but they always go smoothly. It seems there's nothing to worry about.

You would want to assume your role of his assistant once again right away - it's something you've been longing for, to be able to be useful to your lover just like how you once were. To live those days of banter and sharing fascinating knowledge and listening to each other's ideas once more. And so you do, Dottore's more than happy to let you, oh how he's missed you by his side so often. He's excited, he's ready to put the past four hundred years behind and move on, his mind already racing with the countless possibilities that have opened up now. Unfortunately, they don't come to fruition.

Perhaps you felt something wasn't right but it was already far too late - on the day of your death you acted like everything was normal, carrying out your new duties, but also with a lot of added affection, visiting each segment and Dottore and kissing them with all your love. They don't think much of it, you're usually affectionate like that. If only they knew that would be the last time they were embraced by you. Little Zandy too - it would be the last time you ever hugged him and listened to you read him a story. He'd be absolutely inconsolable after your death.

With you gone, the spark in his life would be gone. It would be the same routine of his duties and experiments and research, with nothing to ease his tension. Sure, he no longer has to spend lots of time finding a cure or producing medicine, but this wasn't the way he wanted it to happen. It's the same as when you were sleeping, except this time he no longer has the anticipation of you eventually waking up. Or does he?

Resurrection is a forbidden art, but he is Il Dottore, the one who has no problem sinking his hands into what should not be done, and he is Zandik, the one who loves you. If this world wants you gone so badly, then so be it. He will simply reach for your hand and pull you back to him every time, because even if it is lifeless, he will make sure it's warm once again.

[silenzahra]

Hello everyone. I'm back ^^

I'm honestly not so sure about how to approach this post. I just wanted to let you all know that, well... I'm here. I'm not 100% fine, but I'm doing better. I've taken this week off to rest and focus on myself, and it's done wonders. I've been going out as much as possible, not only to go to work but also to spend a good time walking my doggies and playing with them, and I've also been watching some shows and trying to slowly get back to reading and gaming.

Regarding my previous post, there's really not much I can do except learn to live with it. I know it's gonna be a long and hard process, but I have to look after myself and my mental health, and it really warms my heart to know you're all there for me. I checked Tumblr yesterday before going to bed and felt so touched to find all your comments and advice. Again, you made me feel so supported and loved. I just can't thank you enough for being there for me. @itsavee4117 @megamagimugi @roscolate @keakruiser @stripetkattelalala54

@peaches2217 @bberetd @ask-rosalina-and-her-family @c-lavanda, thank you so much for all your love and support on my previous post, for taking the time not only to read but also comment to make me feel better. I'm really so sorry that I worried you, but truly, knowing that you're all there for me really means the world to me and makes me feel so warm inside. You've all given me precious advice that I'm definitely taking and showered me in love with your kind and sweet words. I hope you know how amazing you all are and how lucky the people around you are to have you 💖

Also, @multicolour-ink, I'd like to especially thank you for the valuable advice you gave me. Last night, after reading your comments, I searched and called a free helpline in my country and, again, it's done wonders. It was simply amazing to have someone there who listened to me and never judged my emotions, and then offered some advice on what to do to handle my situation. It was such a relief to, you know, actually talk to someone and feel supported also in real life. Thank you so so much, truly 🫂

And of course, @vulpixfairy1985, my dear friend... How can I even start to thank you. You immediately reached out through Instagram and have been there every single day, sharing your wisdom and offering your advice, and you even made me feel joy again after two days of only feeling bad things. It's thanks to you that I've been able to feel happiness and excitement again, to reignite my spark of joy that I thought I'd lost, and I know no matter what I do, I can never thank you enough. You truly are a gem, my dear friend, and I thank life every day that I met you and our wonderful friends. I know I've said this before, but this community is truly the best, warmest, healthiest one I've ever been in. And I feel so lucky to be a part of it.

I'll still take things easy. I'll take my time to check all my tags and PMs, and I'll probably be active only on evenings (Spain's time). Thank God, I can enjoy again the things I love, so I hope to see all your content eventually. Only that, well, I'll be slow. I wanna keep focusing on myself and taking those walks with my dogs. And this Friday I have a concert and I finally, FINALLY, feel excited about it. It's my favorite band, after all. I was worried I wouldn't get to enjoy it due to my mental state, but I'm actually so eager!

So yes, guess I can say I'm back, even if I won't be as active ^^ I know I have yet to finish checking the doc, and I'm extremely sorry that I'm taking forever, but of course, I appreciate all the effort you made to help me build up this new blog. As well as, of course, your support on the three posts I've fixed/redone so far. Hopefully soon I can get back to it and fix the rest of my old content.

But we'll see. Right now I'm just happy I can be back with you. I hope you've all been doing fine, dear friends ^^ I love you all so much ��

Also, if you wanna see the little fella who's been with me this entire week, just click below to meet my beloved Baloo ^^

(Now I look a bit different btw, I went to the hairdresser yesterday, but I'll show my new hair another time.)

[khunyuki]

soshiro and kagami deprive hours

Sorry it took a while, anon! Ermm... i'm not quite sure if i'm answering this correctly but it's 🔞, right? If so, i'll be giving my own interpretation on this so I hope you like it!

So you guys already know how Soshiro and Kagami got engaged at an early age right? That means they've probably gotten a lot of bridal/groom lessons already (especially for matters in bed😉).

We can say that in their relationship, Soshiro was the first person to develop the feeling that made him sexually attracted to his partner. This man has been deprived of that type of affection and was sexually frustrated ever since he was a middle schooler until their current ages y'know! He's practically a saint from the amount of self control he shows whenever he's with her😩. That's why this guy decided to be a fuckin' bully🤭

From the very start, Kagami knows what she's supposed to do if Soshiro ever initiates intimate contact with her. This girl would let him to whatever he wants to do with her if he just made the first move but there's actually a big problem... Nobody told her about sexual innuendos so she doesn't really know how to take a hint even when he does insinuate😭 She's also has a pretty old-fashioned way of thinking where boys must make the first move always. That's why she never really had sexual fantasies cuz she's only focused on getting married to him, on her career, on her family, and making sure her mental health doesn't try to jeopardize her life.

So I guess this is where the deprive hours starts? After their first time, these two must've done it multiple times already. Soshiro likes teasing her, and he also like experimenting, so he tries to think of many ways to spice things up. It starts from changing positions to find their favorites, to doing it anywhere in their apartment, to using various toys. He prioritizes pleasuring her and vice versa but sometimes, it just wasn't enough. They always want more of each other🤭 Depriving her did cross his mind but never did he act on it until he got jealous once more.

By depriving Kagami, Soshiro was also depriving himself but this man is a saint and has been controlling his desires for years, so he can do it for longer. When Soshiro starts his plan, he knew he'd be very entertained. Her reactions always amuse him when he's teasing her normally but what if he's teasing her sexually? How exactly would she react and how long would it take before she couldn't take it anymore? Soshiro couldn't help but lick his lips in anticipation.

For starters, Kagami would be very confused when he starts leaning close to her, she'd close her eyes expecting a kiss, when he was just actually reaching for something. He would be telling her a story about the outing he was invited to by the Third Division when his hands start to subtly touch her thighs and breast before removing it once she starts to squirm, smiling innocently. Then they'd be having a heated make out session on the bed but before things could escalate, he'd be turning off the lights and telling her goodnight, leaving her hot and bothered. Kagami would be receiving dirty text massages from him saying how much he loves her and what exactly he wants to do to her when they meet, making her aroused the entire day before heading home to see him just his usual self. When they see each other at work, if either visits, he'll find a way to get close to her to whisper some very scandalous stuffs to say in public then leave her so flustered. These are only a few examples cuz he definitely did a lot more than this🤭

She would probably last for about a month or two before she snaps and tells him to stop. It didn't get to her at first but from the amount of times it happened during that timespan, it definitely wasn't a coincidence. Now, there's two ways that could happen here.

First, She'd be all pouty and whiny but if he still decided to play innocent, she'd be the one making the move by dragging him to their bed and stripping him. Her arm strength is one of the strongest so he wouldn't be able to move even if he wanted to. She'd tell him just how mean and unfair he is, as she sucks him dry, licking the tips, massaging his balls, and taking everything she could in her mouth. Then she'd ride him while complaining about him over and over as he tries to hide his grunts from how amazing she felt like that. He's not one to take a defeat and he could take charge in the middle but he'd definitely let her do him like that again if he gets to see her frustrated yet elated face as she bounces up and down on his dick.

Second, he still tries to play innocent but she's only at the borderline of snapping since she just suggested to sleep in separate rooms that night due to how upset she was. That made him feel guilty and he tries to make it up to her but got the door slammed on his face. He decided he'd just sneak beside her later then once he thought she's fallen asleep, he hears something inside. It was quiet but he would hear squelching and her calling his name in a low voice. He never opened a door so fast to see her touching herself, making her surprised as she thought he was asleep. He'd punish her for touching herself without permission then edge her. He still hadn't forgotten his task at hand, he'd bring her to the edge over and over and over again until she couldn't take it anymore. She's be in tears begging him to finally let her release and he will. He'd overstimulate her after edging her for so long.

And the rest is up to your imaginations~

If you ask him, will he do this again? Maybe😏

[moshieee]

Hello! Sorry to bother you, but I'd just like to see if you have a ref sheet for your sona? I'm thinking of making you, Rabid, Dia, and Bun a little animatic. Actually, if I'm gonna be honest, there are a whole lot of ideas for you four in my head rn. Especially when Rabid and Dia posted something about the song "Anything you can do, I can do better." Sorry, I'm rambling. Also, since I think at least Rabid showed something about a mob au for their sona, I've had an idea for more animatics. But anyways, sorry for this ask being really long. Thank you for at least reading this, You make me actually remember to eat, drink, and take my meds when you remind your mutuals, so thx! Also, love your art, very very unique and all I think about when I see your doodles or pieces is ". . . . . smol"

Okie, I'll be taking my leave! Gotta shape-shift back into a rat to go to the vents and continue my endless cycle of ideas and au's. Okay, Bye Bye!!!!!

(Remember to take care of yourself, drink, eat, sleep, [take meds if you need/are prescribed them], and know that you are loved!)

And- *is literally being dragged out bye an Anon* oh! Oki Nighty Night *disappears behind a door and a laundry shoot is heared opening and something is heard being but in* (muffled) Thank you, WEEEEEEEEE-

I thought a little ending that I hope made you laugh would help :]

(I was giggling the whole way though the story, a lovely ending!! Bravo 👏 🌹!!! thank you for the kind words about my style it's something I was insecure about for a long time, and I'm glad I have a positive effect on people's health hehe)

dont ever apologize for asking something, I love getting asks and long asks just means I add the tag #long post

Also oh my goodness that sounds amazing and I would be honored

as for a reference I uhhh I've been trying to make a reference but I keep getting distracted

the only best references I have I have right now is this hair guide I made for Bunsowo that I kept forgetting to share It's a bit out dated now but still close enough

And the l eyes guide I made for Rabid that is now also outdated...

If you just need an image to go off id recommended this one sense it's the most recent

Jeeze I really need to make a reference for my sona. I guess I never expected people to try and draw my stuff so I'm not used to this...

wait what's this?

Those are my lines silly/j

I wish you luck in your creations and make sure to pace yourself so you don't get hurt

Also wait nighty night? Are you supposed to be sleeping? 👁️ 👁️

[evil-peanut-butter-addict-sam]

Ok idk if this wish be a good one or not bcs I am really not in a good state for past few months and idk what's gonna happen next just few days back while I was already insecure with my life safety yesterday a tragic incident happened Liam Payne just died I, I srsly can't believe it if someone can say that it's fake I will hug them bcs I just lost someone from my childhood someone who would instantly put smile on my face when I was sad insecured vulernable by his songs, someone who would say it's all ok you will be fine just trust me everything is gonna be good someone whom I could cry openly even though the person didn't know my existence but yes I lost them even though I still feel something is wrong like I don't think he accidentally felt off or attempted suicide bcs just before like he was so happy meeting with fans hugged them like just the previous night even just before the news of his death came he putted a post in Snapchat telling how his vacation was going on even though there he was a bit sad. But he was a shinning soul the energised one from the band and also the fact that just 18 months ago they said they would reunion but then this happened I don't wanna see their reunion on his funeral bcs we didn't want this reunion. I still can't believe and I still cry when I see Liam in the music videos of 1D. And yk another thing like I lost many including my family members then like Chester Bennington and then Avicii then Ratan Tata and now Liam like if I see Alex Turner is dead idk what the hell will happen with me bcs the person i looked upto are dying thank God Wilbur survived but yea i did tell this to one of my friend and he said I was being gay like what the heck anyway here is the birthday wish.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMMM!!!!!!! MANNY MANNY HAPPY RETURN OF THE DAY, I HOPE ALL YOUR DREAMS COMES TRUE MAY YOU OVERCOME ALL THE OBSTACLES AND KISS THE ZENITH OF YOUR SUCCESS HAVE A GREAT ONE DON'T GIVE UP ON LIFE BCS YOU HAVE OVERCOMED SO MANY STORMS SO TAKE A LOOK BACK TO ALL OF IT TODAY AND BE HAPPY AND PROUD AND LOVE YOURSELF. I WISH YOU A HEALTHY LIFE A HEALTHY HEALTH AND MUCH MORE ENERGY TO SHOW YOUR CREATIVITY TOWARDS THE WORLD, I HOPE THE POTENTIALS YOU HAVE INSIDE OF YOU COMES TO THE LIMELIGHT OF THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR CREATIVITIES. AND MOST IMPORTANT DON'T FORGET TO ENJOY TODAY AND EAT AS MANY FOOD AS YOU WANT TO AND DO THE THINGS YOU LIKE TO!!! SENDING YOU A POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH. KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES VERY CLOSE TO YOU AND STAY SAFE.

And yea just a pic from one of the 1D Fan Page I got i just cried after reading it yet crying while writing all of these if you are 1D do take a look at it at your free time. And sorry for putting this so long thing I i just dk...

And also why did you say me thanks when I said not to pls don't do it bcs I feel like I am disrespecting you and like also not only violating my manners but like making the people I looked upto means my idols my comfort person feel disrespected about myself.

And also if you need any help regarding inspo for your wolf cut or anything do freely tell me bcs I wanna help people in need despite in whatever condition I am in I can't ignore the people who needs help. So tell freely.

*Starts to cry like hell*

yeah, I wasn't a huge fam of 1D but it did hurt hearing about liams death- and I completely agree with everything you say.

Thank you for da birthday wish!!

Idk why I said thank you when you said not to it's just mental memory I guess and you aren't ever disrespecting me!! <3

[I'm still tryna answer the long ask you sent me with the questions I'm nit ignore that!!]

[totaleclipse573]

So, I was watching the new Bad Guys dub and there's a panel that slightly shows that scar thingy on Starline's hand and I'm thinking about it again. Let's theorize, shall we? What do we think it is? Where did it come from? When did it happen? Does it still hurt?

I saw that too >:D

Ahaha. Ramble incoming. I am so so normal about the subject of his scar. Sorry not sorry XD

Something I noticed about that panel, the scar looks slightly less visible than before? Either because it’s healed (meaning it can be healed,) or just because you can’t see it well enough to truly tell. Personally I hope it’s a permanent scar. (Listen I can explain-)

My current running theory is that it was caused by the energy of the Warp Topaz. We don’t know exactly where that thing came from or what it’s FULLY capable of, explanation wise. And I don’t think we ever will get one, sadly.

I want the Topaz to have some kind of damaging effect that lasts. We’ve seen before that Starline has neglected his own basic needs and health (such as sleep) just for the sake of getting something done

Who’s to say he didn’t notice any effects the topaz could’ve had on him? And who’s to say he would stop because of it? He wouldn’t! Maybe his glove was made of some kind of material that was supposed to MAYBE stop that injury from happening to him? But didn’t. And I have a panel to prove that little glove theory!

“The components of my glove were built after countless hours of careful testing�� he says. Perhaps even to withstand something, hmm?

Did he quit because of that? Of course not. It doesn’t matter to him, it’s a strange little mentality of his that I personally find SO interesting.

For the when, I can’t really think of a specific time. It wasn’t at first, but it also wasn’t too later on. The scar looks pretty bad in that one panel, like it’s been there, untreated, for a little while now. You get what I mean? Like, look at it.

So, make of that what you will.

Does it still hurt. Hmm. That’s really a tricky one to answer. He doesn’t really show many signs of it hurting? I have to wonder if that’s for a reason, or if it just doesn’t hurt anymore unless bothered or something. In one panel, they look like burn marks, almost. But later on in bad guys, we see it looks like a scar. As someone with a permanent injury scar, I can say from experience that scars don’t really hurt unless you like. Overly specific example : somehow manage to crash into something in a way that makes direct contact with that scar. That hurts for DAYS (Or, I guess depending on the injury?) That’s my extremely messy take 😅

I really think Starline was a more interesting character than people often regard him as. Maybe it’s because he was killed off 💀 But I wished they could have at least some what dove into the whole deal with the scars/burn markings. You can’t just PUT THAT THERE AND THEN NOT SAY ANYTHINGGGGG

Thank you, for letting me ramble about duck man (I’d love to hear any theories you might have also!)

[dragimalsdaydreams]

Saiyan biology headcanons. I GUESS.

@cuddlesomeone is a fiend and the only reason I ever think abt DBZ, and I like my thoughts enough to write them down, so here we go

DISCLAIMER: I've barely seen any DB, I only know secondhand info from my dear friend up there, sorry if I misremember/misinterpret some canon info

also to be clear, I'm aware that many of these points aren't that important, considering what Dragon Ball is. it's not biological, it's just a "rule-of-cool" fighty show. yacht-sized mega-beasts are fun for big fights (if DB ever USED THEM..), cross-species kids are fun, etc. I don't actually care that much abt it, this isn't a 'critique' of the show or anything. I just like specevo, and have fun considering what my personal take on it would be 👍

1) Freeza's influence

Saiyans have several traits that don't make much sense as having naturally evolved, and I rather like the idea of these traits being forcibly induced over time. namely, I think Freeza purposely warped Saiyans over several generations, using both biological means and social propaganda to influence their bodies and cultures.

test-tube incubation (nursing pods?) is the most likely avenue for Freeza's direct involvement, and an obvious example of something that Saiyans prolly didn't start doing on their own. it would give Freeza intimate control over Saiyan population size, bodily autonomy, and direct physiological influence on the developing baby.

2) mindless violence

one of my biggest gripes abt Saiyans is their level of apparent bloodlust, sometimes to the point of extreme stupidity and selfishness. the Oozaru form emphasizes how this isn't simply a personal choice or cultural influence, but a biological imperative of the species.

and honestly, I'm just so sick to death of bioessentialism in worldbuilding, sapient species or not. there's no good reason why a species would evolve to be "mindless, violent monsters", even if it's only like one day a month. this would, in fact, be a detriment to their health and energy levels, and it's just lazy writing for a monster form IMO.

to be clear, I don't want to rewrite Saiyans as perfect little angels-- they can be a predator species with bloodsports, they can have cultures that valorize violence and domination. we see this irl with the human species after all. however, while some of these decisions are certainly influenced by biology irl (predators are far more likely to get enjoyment out of hunting and make it into a sport in the first place), violence is decidedly not a biological imperative, and there is obviously a wide array of diverse opinions on violence among humans.

which is all to say-- imo, an uninfluenced Saiyan is psychologically similar to a human, and would not automatically behave violently without some kind of sociocultural pressure or neurological influence. Freeza's empire may have found a violent, colonizing warrior culture by chance, but he took it further by rewarding that behavior for his empire's glory, and physiologically warping developing Saiyans. a combination of neurological tinkering and horrifically bad socialization during critical developmental years makes for adults that are unstable, quick to anger, and resort to violence by default.

also the idea of blasting a literal newborn off into space without any training or education, and expecting that baby to survive enough to become a useful soldier is... laughable, tbh. so I'm gonna say they're raised by Freeza's empire (away from their parents) until at least the age of 8-10, THEN blasted off and expected to survive. this at least makes some damn sense, but leaves room for the brutal "survival of the fittest" mindset.

3) Oozaru forms

"shifters" are an interesting conundrum to me in any setting, bc the more drastic the shift, the less it makes sense to me in the biological sense. I'm more willing to hand-wave it for thematic reasons, but DBZ doesn't run on themes (or biology, tbf), so it doesn't give me much to work with. not that shifters can't work biologically, but it's not as simple as just balancing out matter and mass. like, WHY do they shift? what is the evolutionary advantage?

and honestly I haven't come to an answer to that yet. I'm chewing on the idea of breeding periods and mating rituals, but I'm not fully sold on the idea yet. we'll see if I come up with anything better

I'm also not sure abt the actual trigger for it. like it's one thing to say that moonlight is the trigger for a completely planet-bound species, but what does that mean for a space-faring species? what differentiates a "moon" from a mere asteroid circling a planet? what exact properties of the light are the trigger here? what happens if a Saiyan lands on a moon?

I could just ignore this for my own sanity, but I also like the idea of Saiyans having some physiological adaptability to a given planet's rhythms. their bodies will sense the overall gravitational cycles of the planet, maybe even the moonlight as well, and adjust their shifting schedule accordingly. thus, I don't think summoning a random ball of 'moonlight' would trigger any real change in an uninfluenced Saiyan, but moons do technically impact a Saiyan's shifting schedule. though, perhaps Freeza put a 'switch' in influenced Saiyans that reacts to concentrated light on that scale so they can shift at will, idk

at the very least, I have some solid ideas abt the execution of the shift and resulting form. for one, I personally prefer shifters whose forms aren't 100% completely separate, so I like the idea of more monkey traits in their humanoid form. hell, even if they weren't shifters, I think an alien species with a furry tail shouldn't just look like a "human with a tail", that's boring. thus, I think Saiyans should look far more monkey, with snouty faces, full-body fur, and grabby feet. I'd like a different posture too-- maybe a little hunched with somewhat splayed legs, to emphasize an arboreal lifestyle. essentially, I'm picturing a smaller, leaner, somewhat more humanoid Oozaru

oh, and I nearly forgot to mention the tails-- why are they so weak? I'd maybe understand for literally any other animal, but an arboreal animal? their tails should be strong enough to at least hold up the mass of their own bodies, if not more. idk, maybe Saiyans aren't actually arboreal anymore, and their tails have weakened over time, but they still shouldn't be THAT sensitive. in any case, my Saiyan tails aren't any weaker than a regular monkey tail, and are often used as another limb for clinging/climbing

I also like the idea of gradual shifting, like bulking up on mass over several days leading up to the final, bigger shift on the full moon, then having to recover that energy/mass several days after.

speaking of mass, I'm also not a huge fan of the size of the Oozaru. I truly cannot conceive a scenario where yacht-sized mega-beasts would be evolutionarily advantageous (or even biologically viable), unless the entire rest of their planet's fauna was of similar size. but in that case, they wouldn't be a strange size for their environmental circumstances, and they prolly wouldn't have evolved a complementary tiny, humanoid base form in the first place. my take on an uninfluenced Oozaru is much smaller-- Saiyans can shift to the size of a horse or moose, maybe even the size of an elephant for particularly large/beefy Saiyans, but no larger than that. there's obviously still mass difference in the two forms, but with the gradual shifting and bulking-up I mentioned earlier, I think it's easier to hand-wave that difference away.

of course, this doesn't mean yacht-sized mega-beasts can't exist in the setting. in my view, Freeza also influenced this aspect of Saiyans, warping their Oozaru forms into something hideously large, unwieldy, and mindless. to compensate for the insane mass difference in forms, perhaps Saiyans wear special gadgets that pull mass from the surrounding environment during the shift, leaving a plain of desolation in their wake, even before the Oozaru can start wreaking havoc. but even with this gadget to help, injuries are common, and many of the larger Oozaru are left with gaping wounds from their flesh not reassembling correctly. many are also prone to joint/spine issues, as the body isn't prepared to hold that much mass at once, leading to limping, wobbly gaits. even those that escape most of these side-effects will almost always have burst blood vessels in the eyes, giving them an unsettling, red-eyed stare.

of course, these issues are not usually a problem for the Oozaru's work under Freeza-- the sheer size/power of these influenced forms is more than enough to subdue tiny, unprepared populations, despite all the drawbacks. but the after-effects of this form can leave affected Saiyans out of commission for days at a time.

and finally, my second main point hints at this, but let me say it clearly here too-- in my view, an uninfluenced Oozaru should NOT be acting like a mindless killing machine, that's completely Freeza's influence. uninfluenced Oozaru are fully conscious and aware of themselves and those around them. at most, perhaps they act a bit more uninhibited and energetic, pulling from a well of built-up energy to play, compete, court, and show-off. they certainly can act aggressive and violent, but that's not the default state, it's merely the natural fluctuation of emotions you'd find in the humanoid form as well. hell, I'd even allow for more aggression of the territorial variety, if the Oozaru form does end up being a courting/breeding thing, but it's still not mindless violence.

I'm not sure how I want influenced Oozaru to work, when they aren't supported by special gadgets to provide necessary mass from their environments. perhaps the transformation goes bad the first few times, and sorta stop-starts bc there's no mass to work with. this could be fatal, under the worst conditions. but once the body gets used to the idea of less mass, perhaps it settles back into a normal range of transformation. they're still larger than the average uninfluenced Oozaru, but not city-destroying size. perhaps they could even develop consciousness in this form, but it would likely take a lot of time and patience to overcome Freeza's psychological influence. in any case, influenced Oozaru shifting would probably still be exhausting, and influenced Oozaru wouldn't experience the same joy and freedom that uninfluenced Oozaru feel in their forms.

4) power level

we all agree that shouting out numbers is the most boring part of the show, right? right? yeah, I think it's all bullshit. Freeza just arbitrarily assigns all the Saiyans numbers and watches them bully one another into hierarchies

though I do think it's interesting to consider individual propensity for controlling life energy. surely, some ppl have an easier time than others, but you can still improve your skill, and it isn't as arbitrary and dumb-sounding as a "power-level". and I feel like there is precedent in the show for this exact logic, but it gets lost in the sea of "look how cool badass Goku is naturally!"

5) aliens and mixed species

different alien species having compatible gametes has always felt odd to me-- that just wouldn't realistically happen. on the other hand, I like Trunks and Gohan, so I GUESS I'm willing to hand-wave it so they can exist. but I'm shaking my head the whole time so the audience knows I don't agree with the biological implications

also, I'd make most of the aliens completely non-humanoid. I get that they all look human bc this is ostensibly a martial arts show, I just think it's boring when they all look human.

[deedala]

✨weekly tag wednesday✨

weekly tagly wednesdly?? lolol thanks for todays game and thanks for tagging me @darlingian!! and @energievie!! <<3333

About you name: deanna age: noel-aged (which isnt old actually, stop being weirdos) starsign: scorpio your first language: english second language: right now the only other language i might be able to have a little convo with you in is norwegian favourite lip product: blistex medicated mint lip balm the best food dish you can make without a recipe: pico de gallo yum yum If you drink tea, what kind?: peppermint If you drink coffee, what roast do you usually get?: light roast (i didnt know about that being more caffeine!! But yay!) favourite thing to watch on youtube right now: mike’s mic’s appropriately unhinged tv show summaries favourite thing to watch on youtube in 2012: i dont have a fuckin clue lol. All i did in 2012 was work at and manage a barber shop well over 40 hours a week, experience a fucked up pregnancy, got traumatized, and played mass effect 3. favourite item of clothing right now: my black joggers favourite item of clothing in 2012: uhmm…green cardigan was something i wore a lot to work cuz it looked extra cute with my red hair. (i had red hair in 2012!)

fandom three movies you recommend: The Fall (2006), Love and Monsters, Palm Springs your favourite concert: went to a ton of dmb shows a youth which were always insane levels of fun have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?: oh for sure, im here to enjoy myself lol have you ever left a fandom because of the fans?: i dunno what i consider leaving a fandom? I guess maybe i dont JOIN them very often (ie make friends and participate in events and such) so no i’ve never really left one as the only two i consider myself really being a part of is dragon age and shameless? the best tv show you watched last year: hmmmm….the fall of the house of usher (i have such a short fucking memory i dont know what came out earlier in the year sorry lol) do you have a fancasting you just can't let go of?: not that i can think of off the top of my head… a ship you've abandoned: uuhhmm…also cant really think of one? on a scale of 1-10 how willing are you to share your ao3 history?: oh zerooooo. Its all rather tame, i just am not willing to lay my fucking soul bare thanks lolol do you have a fandom tattoo? i dont have any tattoos which i will probably go to my grave being sad about because i have so far failed at every meager attempt to get one. what fandom do you wish was bigger?: on one hand it might be fun to have more folks around in shameless but also i know our tiny friendly tumblr bubble is what keeps things playful, so i dunno… maybe uuhhmm the expanse?  has a finale ever ruined a show for you?: how i met your mother was pretty bad. I think even worse for me was Chuck. have you... swam in an ocean?: yes been vegan/vegetarian?: i’ve been a vegetarian for 28 years gone skinny dipping?: yes gone skiing?: no been to a convention?: so so so many

now my precious nuggets, please accept this tag and either play along or just know that i am gently squishing your face in my hands @too-schoolforcool @michellemisfit @heymrspatel @heymacy @metalheadmickey @crossmydna @tanktopgallavich @sam-loves-seb @jrooc @gardenerian @mickeysgaymom @softmick @howlinchickhowl @the-rat-wins @lingy910y @sickness-health-all-that-shit @gallawitchxx @mybrainismelted @juliakayyy @creepkinginc @whatwouldmickeydo @suzy-queued @squirrel-fund @tsuga-of-mars @transmickey @sleepyfacetoughguy @palepinkgoat @themarchg1rl @purplemagpie @thepupperino @callivich @rereadanon @grumble-fish @ardent-fox @thisdivorce @lee-ow @iansw0rld @ritualpyre @vintagelacerosette @rosemacclare @maizzycakes @7x10mickey @rrapp @gofionaonthem @suchagallabitch

[yeonkimintakecare]

Washed Up - Chapter 2

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x Reader; Angsty Fic

Summary: You've decided to audition, but will it be that easy?

You run into old acquaintances from the industry and new enemies.

Author's Note: I'm sorry it's taking me so long to write this, but I'm trying to write more lately.

Warnings: mentions of alcoholism, mental health issues, swearing, general angst.

(previous chapter) - (next chapter)

“Sorry! I’m just so proud of you! It doesn’t matter to me if you do the worst acting you’ve ever done. We are going to get through it together! Oh my god, ok. Ok.” Papers shuffle in the background as she mumbles to herself. “ Ok, so I’m sending the script over to you now. Somebody will drop them off in about an hour. Learn them the best you can and I’ll be over tonight to help you. The auditions are next week and we have a lot to work to do. I hear Song Mijoo is also auditioning. She will be tough competition.”

“Song Mijoo? Wasn’t she that rookie idol that wanted to break into acting? I remember just thinking she was okay but she was so stiff whenever she delivered her lines.” You said into the phone, starting to calm down and make yourself a cup of tea.

“Oh, that’s definitely her. But she’s changed a lot over the years, she started working with that one coach, Kim Minji, that worked with your costar on The Star’s Above, Jiwon.” Rina said, keyboard clacking in the background. She’s likely putting everything in motion as fast as she can so that I can’t change my mind. Wise decision on her part.

“Minji is a miracle worker. Anybody who can make Lee Jiwon actually able to cry instead of having to use any artificial tears deserves to win every award.”  You both laugh at that statement. “Ok, tough competition then, so I’ll need to practice as much as a can. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a job.” You say with a chuckle, but it’s a bit empty. You can crack jokes all you want but inside you just feel a huge pit in your stomach.

Were you making the right decision? You didn’t want to mess up and embarrass yourself. Again. And this time you would have to be, painfully, sober. God, this was going to really hard.

Over the 4 days, you read the script and practice the lines. Rina was right, this script did speak to you. It’s about a woman, Eunji,  who was trying to get back into her career and life after years of being a wife to a husband who was negligent. While you lost your career due to your own issues with alcoholism and mental health, you can relate to the her feeling of the loss of her youth and the character’s struggles with her own mental health.

The audition scene is a pivotal part of the show where Eunji has realized her husband is having a child with her best friend. She’s extremely hurt, not just because she’s learning the two most important people in her life are betraying her, but also because she’s never been able to have children, which she has always wanted.

It’s a heart wrenching scene and you just hope that you’re able to portray the feelings you have to, you really want this role and so you start to muster up some feelings from your past. You think about the life you had imagined for yourself when you had just begun in this industry.

You were 16, your mom had gotten you into this high school drama, she had gone to school with one of the producers of the show. You were just an extra with one line in one of the episodes. But then they started calling you back to do other small roles in their other shows. By 18, you had landed your first lead. In a high school drama, you were the main character who was in love with your best friend’s brother. It was a very stereotypical romance drama. But there was a scene in it where you got to show of your dramatic work when the male lead left your character to go study in the England.

After that role you started to book more lead roles and by 22 and decided to take a role about a teacher. The show was an easy one to be on. A show about a teacher who was falling in love with a parent of one of her students. That’s where you met Tae, or I guess V now. He was silly and optimistic. He played a recurring character, he was a teacher who would sometimes be comedic relief.

At first you guys weren’t close, but you could definitely tell he was an attractive man. But you couldn’t date, you had to focus on your career. You were on a fast track to be the top actress in Korea at the time. But then one day he bumped into you, and he was so nervous and cute, which normally wouldn’t have affected you, but then you saw his smile. His adorable wide smile. It’s like all dreams for your future flew out the window and all you could think of was how to get this man to smile at you again.

You soon found yourself searching for him in every scene you did together. You even went as far as asking the writers to make his role larger, pretending that it was just because his character was so funny. He was a very good actor too so it wasn’t hard to pull the strings.

Before you knew it he asked you out, and you knew you shouldn’t but you couldn’t help but say yes to him. Especially after how brightly he smiled at you. It wasn’t much longer until you were kissing him and staying over at his apartment most nights a week. You thought you could live forever in his arms, talking about your goals and dreams.

It was peaceful for a couple months, until a paparazzi caught a photo of you guys while you were getting breakfast after a night you had spent together. Your manager at the time was freaking out and your company had decided the best way to deal with it was to have you deny any relationship with him. They said you couldn’t be seen as the type of girl who was unavailable, not at such a young age. They told you if you wanted to make it, then you had to listen to them. They convinced you that if you weren’t viewed as attractive to your fans, they wouldn’t want to watch you. Claiming that your acting was no good unless he public viewed you as fuckable.  And like a stupid, naive young girl, you believed them.

You snap out of it when you hear Rina walk through the door of your home. She’s holding groceries and walks straight to your kitchen counter.

“I got some dinner, which I figure we can eat right now, but I got us some sweets for when we finish running lines. I thought it would be a nice treat –“ She stops suddenly when she looks at you for the first time. For the first time, you realize that you had been crying. Your eyes were puffy and red, cheeks stained with tears. Rina comes towards you quickly.

“Are you okay? Are you having regrets? We can pull out if we have to. You matter more to me than your comeback.” You smile at her as you shake your head.

“No no, I’m fine. I just was trying to muster up some old feelings so I can connect with the character.” You say, wiping the tears from your face. Rina steps closer and holds you in her arms.

“Ok, well if you decide it’s too much, don’t feel like you’ll disappoint me. I don’t think there is anything you could do that would ever disappoint me.” She pats your back as you feel yourself calm down and like that, you feel like yourself again.

You wipe your face and slap your hands down on your knees, making a loud slapping noise. “Ok, let’s eat and then get to work. I still have a long way to go.”

--

Days of working every minute on your craft, Rina had helped you film your audition and send it in. It took a couple takes, but you selected the best one. You didn’t want to look, but you forced yourself to, as Rina sent it off. You felt like a boulder had been lifted off of your chest. You felt relieved, and almost hopeful.

Some days passed and your anxiety began to grow as you waited for a response. You knew this could take some time, but you just wanted it to be done already. Did you make it to the next stage or was all of this a mistake. You had to keep reminding yourself to not get so negative, but after being out all these years, it just doesn’t feel right to be confident.

A week after you had sent in your tape you were cooking lunch for Rina and you were going to bring it to her office. Both of you were single so you did couple things together, like going to paint classes, picking up groceries together, and sometimes you made her lunch. She was an awful cook, so you offered to cook for her most of the time. You guys don’t live that far apart so its easy to pop into each other’s homes. You have keys for her apartment, as does she for your home.

You enter the building through the back entrance they give to celebrities who don’t want to be photographed. I feel the air change as I step into the office. I see the secretary look at me and look away with a grin. Oh no… I didn’t get it and now everybody is laughing at me. My stomach drops. I was so stupid to even try for it. I should’ve known that I lost my touch. I try to avoid contact with the rest of the workers as I make my way to Rina’s office. I take a breath before I open the door, prepping myself to face disappointment.

When I open the door I’m shocked. Rina has a cake and pops the cork on the "champagne" in her hands as she sees me walk in.

“Congratulations you talented bitch! You made it to a chemistry read! You’re this much closer to getting back into the industry!!” Rina shouts while jumping up and down. You feel a smile creep onto your face as you watch the 30 year old toddler. Did you really do it? Is it really happening? What happens now? Will you be able to prove yourself again, or will you fail again in front of everybody? Your smile drops as you start to spiral. Rina immediately senses what’s going through your head and rushes over to you.

“Hey, it’ll be alright.” She pats your back “Just breath in.” You listen to her. “and breath out.” And you do. “It’ll all work out. I have a feeling that you’ll get the role. I wouldn’t have presented it to you if I didn’t think that you’d be able to do it. But ____ so much time has passed, and look how quickly you fell into it again. You’re a natural, and you’ve been doing this for years. It’s like riding a bike.” She says, comforting you.

You wipe your tears and laugh “ That’s not relatable. You know I don’t know how to ride a bike.”

She laughs at your joke. “Ok, that its as easy as breathing. Acting is like breathing for you. I know because I’ve seen it. You are talented, so talented and so strong that I know you can get this role and get back up onto your feet, and even if you don’t get this role, it doesn’t matter because there are so many other projects that you would absolutely kill it in.”

She’s right, this role is everything, but also nothing. Your life wont end if you don’t land this part, this audition is just your first step out the door, your first toe back into the pool and once you make the plunge, there’s no going back.

--

The next week you arrive to the studio where you’ll be doing your chemistry read. Rina asked who you would be doing the read with and they said it would be the second male lead for now. An idol who is making his acting debut names Jungkook. You’re doing one of the scenes where your character has to reject the second male lead, a man who is higher up in the company but younger than your character. Unfortunately for him, at this point in the story the character has started to fall in love with the CEO of the company, who is also her best friend’s older brother that she has known her whole life. But she has gotten very close with the second male lead, as he has helped her transition back into the work place and they have become very close friends. So the scene is very emotional because they both want to be there for each other, but know that they aren’t on the same page.

Makeup artists touch up your makeup and hair before you sit on a stool in front of a camera. Behind the camera is Rina, several producers, writers, assistants, and the director, Min Yoongi. You’ve worked with him before, but he was only an assistant director back then. You’ve remained on good terms with him, the last time you had worked with him was before you became an alcoholic, although it would be hard for anyone in the industry at that time to have not heard what you became.

“____ How have you been?” Yoongi asks while walking up to you, holding his hand out for a hand shake.

“Yoongi, I’ve been doing well.” You say with a slight smile on your face.

“Genuinely?” He says with a concerned look on his face. You know that some people would be offended by this, but you know that he’s a straight forwards guy who just wants to make sure you aren’t going to ruin his project if you land the part.

You draw a deep breath in. “Genuinely. I’ll be candid with you, I’m 6 years sober.” You say, knowing that with him, you have to be honest. It’s probably one of the only things that he truly respects about a person.

With that he offers you one of his signature closed mouth smiles where just the corners go up. “Good, that’s good.” He says giving you a pat on the shoulder. One reason why you guys always got along was that you didn’t have to talk a lot to understand each other. You both were quiet and reserved people who just focused on the work they had to do. “Alright, lets get this started. Taehyung should be here any minute now.”

And like that the breath left your chest. You hear Rina pounce as you feel unable to move.

“I thought she would be doing a read with Jungkook today? That’s what she’s rehearsed for. Why weren’t we notifies of this change?” she says, you see Yoongi withdraw back into himself, clearly intimidated by your best friends protective mama bear side. One of the producers speaks up instead. A younger woman in a classy dress with a neat bob with blunt bangs.

“Jungkook had some idol promotion work that came up and we are running a tight schedule, V was available. Does she want this or not? If she’s truly a good actress like everybody had said she was, then she should be able to read the lines with him.” You can’t help but notice a slight smirk on her face. You can’t help having noticed her ‘was’ when talking about your acting skills. She was challenging you. And you knew you couldn’t disappoint everybody again, you had to prove to everybody that you still have what it takes to be a top star.

Rina starts to respond but you stop her. “You’re absolutely right, Miss…?” you ask.

“LaLisa Manobal, but most people know me as Lisa” she says with an eyebrow raised to you.

“Ah yes, I’ve hear of your work Miss Manobal.” You had heard of her years before. She was an idol from a young age who went solo and had wanted to getting into some of behind the scenes work of making drama. It seems that she’s succeeded now.  “Well, I can assure you that I am still perfectly capable of a simple chemistry read.” You say with fake arrogance. The truth is this wasn’t simple. It was the furthest thing from it. Soon you were going to have to see the only man you have ever loved for the first time since you broke his heart six years ago. ‘

“V’s car just pulled up, they’re bringing him up now.” One of the PAs says to Yoongi. You feel your heart stop, you start to breath faster as you feel your heart beating so loud that you’re scared they can all hear it.

You breathe in. You breathe out. You’ve got this. You practiced this. You worked so hard for this. Breath in. Breathe out.

“You okay?” Rina mouths from behind the camera. You nod. You are okay. Not good, not bad, just okay.

That’s when you hear the door click open, some body guard and managers walk through first and that’s when you see him.

Kim Taehyung. Your Tae. The only man you’ve ever loved.

(next chapter)

[ale-xis-blog]

Sorry I've been gone for awhile, mental health took a toll on me..but I'm back now! :) Also, to the porn bots and the unlabeled bots messaging me, please stop it's making me quite uncomfortable.

"If you're gonna sneeze, do it right you dumbass." - ShinBaku. Mentions of congestion, sneezing, coughing, fever and mess. They are both 21+, Pro-Hero's in this. Kink! Bakugou and Sick!Shinsou. There might be a tiny bit of NSFW, like them teasing each other.

Shinsou had caught a bad fever, yet he still went into work. He was paler then usual, more tired than usual and he kept sniffling and clearing his throat. At the moment he was sitting at his desk, in his office doing paperwork. It was quiet, until Bakugou kicked the door open with a pissed of expression, as usual. Shinsou glanced up, "Hey-" he said stuffily....a little too stuffily, to which Bakugou didn't notice (yet).

Bakugou immediately interrupted Shinsou with, "You think you're so good?! Sitting there and doing paperwork?! While leaving me to do patrol alone!." Shinsou stared at Bakugou, then he remembered. Yesterday evening he agreed to go with Bakugou in his patrol then came back to the agency to do paperwork for the afternoon. Shinsou sighed.

Bakugou raised an eyebrow, "Uh...Eyebags?" Shinsou blinked then hummed. "Mm?" "You even listening to me?" Shinsou nodded. Bakugou shut the door, with a suspicious expression. He walked over and sat in the chair across from Shinsou. "Something happen?" "Huh?" "Don't play dumb. Did something happen or did I do something?" Bakugou asked, with concerned eyes but an angry expression.

Shinsou blinked before responding, "I-...you did nothing. I'm just out of it today....I guess." The congestion in Shinsou's voice caught Bakugou off guard for a moment. "Why do you sound so stuffed up..?" "I do?" "Yes, you do." "Oh, my apologies." Bakugou stared at him for a second, Shinsou's nose twitched slightly. Bakugou blushed a very light pink, to the point it was barely visible but his eyes gave it away.

Shinsou looked up at Bakugou, "You okay...?" "You sick?" "What-...no. I'm fine." "You lying to me?" "No-...'heh-eh-istchu!'" Shinsou rubbed his nose, groaning quietly. Bakugou's blushed darkened. "Bless." "Thank you." Shinsou said, still rubbing his nose. Bakugou looked away then looked back at him, Shinsou was now in a hitching limbo... Bakugou kinda, froze. The hot headed explosive man, was froze in place, watching his sleep deprived boyfriend struggle to let out the sneezes.

"Eyebags, if you're gonna sneeze, do it right you dumbass...." "W-'heh!'-What-'Heh-itch!'" Shinsou groaned, going back into the hitching limbo. Bakugou honestly didn't know what to do at the moment besides...stare with the darkest blush ever. Shinsou was about to sneeze, but they were fully silent. Shinsou glanced at Bakugou, "Y-...'istchu!'...ugh, you enjoying the sh-'ah-eh..chu!'-show..?" Bakugou looked away, covering his face with his hands.

Shinsou quietly laughed, he hitched again before a quiet tired sneeze escaped him. "He...ah...achtsu!...fu-fuck, that h-hurt my nose.." Shinsou shivered, he realized his nose was running. He took a few tissues, he blew his nose then threw them away. He coughed quietly, it sounded like it hurt. Bakugou then looked at Shinsou, who was now coughing. Bakugou got up, he walked around the desk. He gently rubbed Shinsou's back, Shinsou slowly stopped coughing. He rested his head against Bakugou.

Bakugou's mind and heart were racing, "What the hell're you doing, idiot?" "Trying not to fall...'istch!'....fall asleep." Bakugou quietly moaned at Shinsou sneezing on his shoulder. Shinsou noticed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to...wait...Oh fuck I forgot you..." Bakugou smiled. "Yea, I can tell. C'mon, let's get you back home." Shinsou looked at Bakugou, he then turned his head away and stifled a few sneezes, receiving another quiet moan from Bakugou.

"Alright..we can go home." Shinsou mumbled through tiny sniffles and coughs. Bakugou hide a tiny smile, "Good." Bakugou helped Shinsou stand up, he led him to the bus stop. They waited there for 15 minutes and the bus didn't show. Bakugou got impatient, so, he called Todoroki to pick them up. After another 15 minutes or so, Endeavors' car pulled up, Todoroki driving with Momo in the passenger seat.

"You sure took your damn time, Icy-Hot....since when do you and Ponytail hand out?" Bakugou said while helping Shinsou into the backseat, sitting next to him. He shut the car door and he put his and Shinsou's seatbelt on. Todoroki glanced at him through the review mirror, "Me and Yayurozu are dating..well, married." Momo smiled at Todoroki before she turned her head, facing Bakugou and a passed out Shinsou. "So, how've you and Shinsou been?" Bakugou stared at her before he grumbled, "Good...me and him, we've been good." Momo smiled. "That's wonderful."

Todoroki glanced over and smiled a little. He then looked back at the road and continued driving. After an hour, between closed roads and traffic, Todoroki finally got Bakugou and Shinsou to their apartment complex. Bakugou unbuckled the seatbelts, he got Shinsou out of the car before shutting the door. Before Todoroki drive off, Momo created a bag then handed it to Bakugou.

He glanced at it before he hesitantly took the bag, grumbling 'thank yous' to Momo and Todoroki. The two smiled then Todoroki drove off. Bakugou sighed then he mumbled to himself, "Why're they always so...damn helpful...?" He grumbled. He noticed Shinsou still passed out in his arms followed by the bag. A tiny smile was now on his face. He walked up to the apartment, opened the door and walked inside. He shut and locked the door behind him, he then walked over to the couch, gently placing Shinsou down. I put the bag on the floor.

He stretched a little then he yawned, rubbing his face. He heard a sound, a tiny one. He looked at Shinsou, who was stifling sneezes in his sleep. Bakugou held back a laugh, he tapped Shinsou's shoulder. Shinsou shot up before coughing harshly into his elbow. Bakugou watched, slightly shocked and a little concerned. "Uh...ya gonna live, Eyebags?" "Uh-'itschu!'-uh-huh-'ashcoo!'-dammit..." Shinsou rubbed his nose then coughed. Bakugou sat next to him on the couch, he put his hand up to the others forehead. Shinsou backed away.

"The fuck-" "W-'heh'-wait-'heh...ah.....heptcho!'-ow." ".....Bless you....got anymore stuck up there Insomniac?" Bakugou asked, with a tiny teasing grin. Shinsou was about to say something but he was cut off by another short sneezing fit. "He-ishu!..ah-chu!..he-ah-ehhh....hetshiw!...choo!...

hepstchu!....eh-ahstchu!" Shinsou sniffled. Bakugou had a faint blush with an angry expression (as usual). "Bless you, idiot." "Th-'aschu!'-thank you." Shinsou leaned on Bakugou, making him blush even darker. "So...we gonna do anything later or you just gonna get stacked watching me sneeze my head off..?" "S-shut up!" "No..." Shinsou rubbed his nose along Bakugou's neck, making him shiver.

"F-fuck you...making me all hot and bothered..." Bakugou grumbled, looking away from Shinsou. "Haha...I thought you couldn't get any more flustered...o-oh no..'heh-eh-istchu!'" Shinsou sneezes into his wrist, head still in Bakugou's neck. "Alright...medicine, soup, sleep then...maybe we could have some fun.." "Hah..knew you'd crack." "But if you stifled anymore, I'm gonna break your nose...and somehow you still can't sneeze right...pathetic nose you have."

Hope you all enjoyed this, have a good day or night! <3

[ingravinoveritas]

Hi Amy, I'm the cursed anon who asked Neil lol (and I guess I'll stay anon for all my life after what happened today). I just wanted to thank you for what you wrote. I was sure my ask would have reached your blog somehow, alas. I don't know what to say, I'm mortified, it's been a rather hard day for me, since I felt completely misunderstood and belittled by someone I looked up to. I'm sorry because I must have phrased my ask in a weird way, an even "creepy" one, it seems.. By the way, I'm so glad you didn't find anything creepy in that, because I don't know for the life of me what I said that was perceived that way. I spent the entire day thinking about it and, at the same time, I tried to distract myself from shame. I don't know how to describe it, but this answer made me question so many things, about my mental health too, and I definitely didn't need that. He could have just said that he didn't quite understand what I meant, instead he only made me feel stupid and fed me to the lions. I mean, of course I know that season 2 is wrapped for example, I just wanted to tell him that maybe this sort of casting might be a future problem for season 3, and that I hope it won't be an issue for season 2, even though I saw many people turning up their nose already. (As I also bloody know that David Tennant and Michael Sheen are actors playing a part, evidently this is not what my concerns were!) I really don't know how to better explain it, English is a hard language to convey things sometimes. Neil doesn't speak any other language than it, and it shows honestly, because he doesn't know how hard it is for someone who is not native; me asking that might have been an impulsive decision, but I really tried to do my best with the language, it was hard, and it's like he pretended he didn't understand nevertheless. I don't know, I'm so disappointed by such a response. I thought it was more likely that he just read and didn't answer, but that condescending response? I didn't expect that. I'm sorry that I made him so sour/sharp/harsh (I don't know which adjective is the more appropriate in this case, and it drives me crazy that it can take so little to be misinterpreted, that's what I was referring to) because evidently I must have offended him or hit a nerve, which was not my intention. I might have been stupid to ask that, but if the ask was so annoying to him, it's not like he was obliged to answer it and being so cruel at the point to completely distort its meaning. Do I regret it? I do, but maybe without all of this, I wouldn't have ever seen this side of him, and I'm for the truth, even if it always tastes bittersweet, so.. Good to know, I guess. 

Sorry for ranting! Oh my god, I didn't realise, it's just that it's still an open wound to me. Coming back to you, I wanted to tell you that even if you might not agree with me (you have all the right not to), your response is actually the kind I expected from a man of power who is twice my age (just saying). Thank you for always being so considerate and tactful, you really did made me feel a little better. I wish there were more people like you in the world, I mean it.

(Sorry for the disappeared ask, I deleted the account after sending it, thinking that it would have stayed in your inbox once it was there.. Well, I was wrong haha. I'm going to delete it after you answer then, I had reactivated it just because you turned the anons off and I wanted to thank you instantly <3)

Hi, Anon. Oh, I am so sorry for what you went through yesterday. I'm also floored to have you reach out to me, as I didn't even realize you were aware of my blog, but I thank you for doing so and sharing your thoughts/feelings with me.

It saddens me so greatly to know how much Neil's response has hurt you, and how it has affected your mental health. If the comments on my post about what happened are indication, however, you are definitely not the only one who felt that his response was not okay. What you said about feeding you to the lions was something one of my followers also mentioned, and whether Neil intended it or not, I would have to agree with that assessment.

The fact is, Neil is a writer. He knows how powerful words can be, and how suggestive. So by calling your question "creepy" in that first sentence, he is creating the lens through which the reader is going to view your question. And so what I would say is that two things can be true here, which is that 1) You have every right to feel the concerns you do, but trying to engage Neil about it was probably not the best idea; and 2) Neil has the right to feel/say what he wants, but deciding to answer your question the way he did instead of simply ignoring it was also probably not the best idea.

I don't know if you've been on his blog at all today, but Neil actually went into a bit more detail about his rationale, re: the use of the word "creepy" in the comments on this post, as part of a back-and-forth exchange with another fan who again brought up the issue of nepotism. I thought I would highlight these two comments in particular:

What I was struck by in the comment on the left was two specific things: 1) Neil's mention of the "undertones" to your question. Going by what you wrote, Anon, as well as the message that you've written here, I do not think there were any undertones to your Ask--with the possible exception of calling Neil's character into question (which, if he was hoping to squash that, it is now beyond ironic that his response to you has achieved the exact opposite); and 2) That someone who has been described as "so Tumblr" and "Neil gets it" would somehow be oblivious to how venomous people can be on social media, especially when encouraged by the creators of their favorite works, and why someone would therefore not want to make themselves a potential target. In just the first sentence of his response to you, however, Neil proved exactly why you were right to use a burner account.

In terms of the comment on the right, we see Neil draw a false equivalence between your question and people criticizing him for casting POC actors in Sandman. This was (in my opinion) Neil doing this fan what he did to you, which is twist around what they were saying as a means of deflection and avoiding answering the question that was actually being asked, which was about nepotism. The other irony for me is him talking about people accusing him of having a secret agenda, while he was the one doing the same thing to you. The only difference is that his assumption ended up having serious consequences, as we are now seeing.

I think you did hit a nerve, Anon, but--as strange as it may sound--I don't think it had anything to do with you. My feeling is that there is something going on with Neil and he is using Tumblr as an outlet--much in the same way that Michael used Twitter as an outlet in 2019/2020. So I do not think you are "cursed" or "made" Neil be salty/harsh--I think he was already this way and took whatever is happening with him out on you. Because if everything was absolutely fine--if what you were mentioning in your question was totally ridiculous and Neil was entirely unbothered by it--I do not think he would have answered it, nor would he still have been engaging this fan about it for hours afterward.

I know this probably won't be of much comfort, and I am sorry. English is not my second language, but I am autistic, and I relate very deeply to what you described about searching so hard for the right words (which is probably why it takes me forever to answer my Anons) because of not wanting to be misunderstood. And I know very well what it's like to have someone you so greatly admired turn out to be not at all what you expected, especially when everyone else's perception of that person is so wildly different.

It is for that reason that I can understand fans on here and Twitter rushing to defend Neil, not wanting to feel that someone they love could possibly do anything wrong. "Neil is a human being" is a comment I've seen frequently...but if we are going to say that Neil is human, then that means he is imperfect. It means he makes mistakes. And it should not be controversial to say this. I've also seen people in the aftermath of this saying how kind Neil is to the fans...but his response to you was unkind. Setting someone up to be a target is not kind. Neil has so many people who write into him who are dealing with mental health issues and concerns, and at best his response to you was thoughtless...but at worst, it sends a message to other fans that they, too, could become targets for absolutely no reason. And while I do not believe that Neil owes the fans anything, having an awareness of the power he wields and a sense of basic human decency does not seem like much to ask.

You do not ever have to apologize for ranting to me, Anon. I'm so glad that what I wrote in my other post helped you to feel better, even if just a little. I am by no means perfect--far from it--but I've been in enough fandoms and had enough heartaches to know that I would want to do anything I could to spare someone else from going through the things I went through. The shame here is not yours for asking a question that yielded a disproportionate overreaction from Neil--the shame belongs to the people who piled onto you because of it.

I want you to know that I was truly touched by your compliments, and that you felt comfortable enough to be so vulnerable with me here. I'm sending you lots of love, as well as the hope that we can continue to have honest discussions about these subjects. A lot of people are with you, and believe me when I again tell you that you are not alone. xx

[josefavomjaaga]

The marriage of Louis Bonaparte and Hortense de Beauharnais is usually just labeled some version of "bad" and not many details beyond some basics of it was arranged against both of their wills, during the few years he was King of Holland she preferred Paris to Amsterdam and also she was unfaithful. Just wondering what were specifics on what wasn't working between through the years and why?

Hortense, mostly. Okay, that was highly unfair.

I've gotten two questions related to Louis Bonaparte recently so I'll randomly pick this topic first. Sorry again (as always) for the long wait.

Figuring out who is "at fault" when two human beings turn out to just not be compatible is not easy anyway. But in this case, there's the additional problem of discerning the sources. While one side (Louis) has left some very sober and impersonal memoirs about his time as king of Holland, mostly treating political events, the other (Hortense) spent two decades, one third of her life, writing, editing and publishing all sort of media in her own favour, usually portraying herself as the innocent victim of jealousy and evil propaganda, whose personal enemies envied her all her perfect virtues.

Most people seem to believe her, so my opinion will be highly unpopular. But I keep thinking something was very, very wrong with Hortense.

It starts with the marriage plans. Hortense spends a lot of time on the topic in her memoirs (after having spent a lot of time listing the names of her potential suitors and random incidents of receiving admiration that embarrassed her oh-so-very-much... like a hunter lines up trophies on a wall). She clearly states that her mother pushed her into the marriage because Josephine could not give Bonaparte any children and Hortense's first son would need to become Napoleon's heir - otherwise the Bonaparte family would sooner or later convince Napoleon to divorce. - Except that in the Archives Nationales de France there is a manuscript, written by Hortense herself for tsar Alexander in 1814, in which she clearly states that she only ever heard of the possibility of divorce much later, when Louis refused to give up their first child to the First Consul.

And yet: if it's true that after Napoleon's return from Egypt Josephine and her kids had to spend a night on their knees in front of Napoleon's bedroom door - would the possibility of a divorce not have been around since, like, ever?

It's a small detail but I guess it shows how everybody worked on muddying the waters. Hortense is clearly lying at some point, but is it to Alexander or in her memoirs?

Add to that all the propaganda from all sides (pro-Napoleon, but from the Bonaparte side, often vilifying or ridiculing the Beauharnais side, pro-Bourbon, pro-republic) and the constant clan squabbles resulting in accusations and counter-accusations, and you have one tangled web to catch a lot of stories and very little truth.

There is also the problem of Louis' health issues that must have played a huge role in this marriage. I cannot access Dutch sources which might be the best in Louis Bonaparte's case, so I've mostly stuck to English texts. The nature of Louis' illness seems to be utterly unclear, I've read about anything from gout to syphilis (the latter I'm tempted to rule out due to how long he lived and him not having infected Hortense). I've also seen authors claim that Louis was utterly unable to father children, in which case half of the motivations ascribed to him in Hortense's memoirs do not work. I've seen mentioned that some of the treatments Louis had to undergo were so disgusting that Hortense could not bear them.

Very muddy waters.

So I'll try to make this short from here before I go off on yet another tangent: It seems pretty clear that in the beginning, it is Hortense rejecting Louis, who clearly does not fit her romantic notions of knight in shining armour. In typical Madame-Campan's-bride-school-for-the-rich-and-famous fashion, I might add (see Aglaé Auguié-Ney). Baylac's biography of Hortense cites several letters in which Louis almost begs for a sign of attention from his young wife, while he's away taking the waters.

He will not get them. Instead, Hortense will return to her mother and the court of First Consul Bonaparte and continue to play the role of "First Daughter" of France at the very first occasion, just like she would occasionally return to Madame Campan's school and play teacher's pet again. Hortense seems to have had the constant need to place herself at the center of attention, to outshine every (female) rival. I'm not sure of the underlying reason but the two siblings may have suffered from a similar problem and have chosen diametrically opposed strategies to cope: Eugène basically erasing himself, Hortense making everything about herself.

The closer you (or at least I 😗) look at her memoirs, the more pettiness and superficialty there is in her reasoning and the less I tend to believe in her accusations against Louis.

That being said, I do not think a husband like Louis, morose, suffering from chronical pain and probably highly irritable because of it, with the additional mental baggage of very patriarchal Corsican customs, did help the situation in the least! Hortense had grown up in Revolutionary Paris, around the Talliens, Barras, etc., for her extra-marital affairs surely were nothing to write home about. While Louis may have wanted to give this arranged marriage a true chance, Hortense probably never even planned to. She was giving birth to sons, that was what she had been hired to do. So what? The father mattered little.

Regarding that: There were (possibly unfounded) rumours about who the father of Hortense's first son was. The second generally seems to have been accepted as Louis' (which implies that he must have been able to father children). The third (future Napoleon III) was so obviously not Louis' that people in Paris openly made songs about it, and it caused the final breakup between Louis and Hortense. Modern-day scientists have verified through DNA tests that Napoleon III and Napoleon I were not blood-related (which has then caused a discussion if possibly Louis had not been fathered by Carlos, because surely Letizia was a lot more probable a culprit than Hortense... I digress again).

As usual, I've probably not really said much in my long blabbering post. (Except that I don't like Hortense.) The fairest answer would probably be: I do not know, and I'm not sure anybody has ever really tried to figure it out. Hortense was a highly independent and - in my opinion - extremely self-centered person, and Louis a man suffering from chronical pains and often humiliation by his wife's behaviour. Both might have needed help, physically and mentally

[ellecdc]

Hi elle i was the anon whose results were supposed to come out today. well, my average fell by two grades. i'm not happy, my parents are not happy. I passed barely with decent scores. I'm going to a mediocre business school this fall (if they even want me) yay i guess. that's it for the update im going to go jump off a cliff now

should i just stop my education? anyways my stupidity and mental health doesn't allow it guess the futures not very bright after all

I'm sorry that it's taken me a few days to respond to this; I will admit I've been having a difficult time myself and didn't feel I had it in me to give this ask the response it deserves.

instead of babbling off motivational quotes about how "it'll all be alright in the end; if it's not alright then it is not yet the end" etc etc, I will tell you a story.

my best friend growing up [and one of my dearest friends still to this day] failed her written drivers test seven times [I don't think either of us really remember the actual number because every time we tell the story, the number grows more and more lol, but it was certainly at least 4-5 times]. Today? She's driving around and we laugh and laugh whenever we tell the story.

my first degree was in psychology. when I was 17-21, my mental health was at an all time low, particularly in my first and second year, and by the third [and then my fourth] I was so unbelievably tired of school... I failed. I failed a lot of classes. I failed a sociology class, I failed my first year intro to psychology! [basically psych 101 - as a psych major], and a few statistics/math courses!

in fact, in my second year I decided to take one class online while my other four were all in person. I submitted the first quiz in that online class and then nothing else for the rest of the semester. I never logged on again, never dropped the course, and by the time I realized what I'd done [or bothered to consider the consequences of putting this class 'out of sight, out of mind'] it was during exam season, and I knew I hadn't learned a single thing in that course and was going to fail, so I never even showed up to the final exam.

you know what I finished that class with? 8%.

on my university transcript, I have an 8%. I didn't just fail, I FAILED.

and you know what else? I got my degree anyway

I have a degree hanging in my office; a degree that saw a lot of tears, a lot of pain, a lot of failures, and a lot of doubts. sometimes I still wonder if I even deserved the degree, seeing as how I was anything but studious or invested in my academics. I graduated, and it was not with honours nor anywhere near top of my class, but I graduated

I even worked for two years in the field immediately post graduation. not only did I get the degree, I also got the job

and then....I took my transcript from my first university - that same transcript that has an 8% on it - and applied to another university....and got accepted

and remember that friend I mentioned? the same one who failed her drivers test an 'obscene' amount of times? she went to nursing school, and did really well. she's a devoted care taker and if anything ever happened to me [or any of my loved ones], I would absolutely want her in charge of my care.

well, she failed her nursing exam. she was devastated; this was all she'd ever wanted to do, the only career she ever saw herself in, and she'd devoted so many years trying to get here

so I reminded her about the drivers test. and I said "sweets, what are we doing right now?" and she was like "...talking?" and I was like "no shut up; right now we are sitting in your car in a McDonald's parking lot that you drove us to...with your license that you got. So yeah, maybe you failed your nurses exam, but you also failed your drivers test, yet here you are almost seven years later having driven an incalculable number of kilometres. you failed your test and it probably sucked at the time, but today we laugh about it and it's nothing but a moment in time. you will nurse one day, and this will be merely a moment in time that you may not even fully remember."

so.......all this to say; tests are sometimes meant to be failed. that's not a comforting thought, and I'm sorry, but you either pass or you fail [or you pass but aren't please with your marks]. and right now this feels big, and right now it feels heavy, but one day this moment and these feelings will only be a memory or a moment in time. I've never been anything but a mediocre student until I went back to college in 2020 [I was twenty four at the time!], and yet I still graduated high school, got accepted to university, failed classes, graduated university, and got accepted to university again.

my friend failed her drivers test numerous times yet owns her own car and drives everyday. she failed her nursing exam yet still tends to patients in hospitals and nursing homes today.

don't stop your education, don't jump off a cliff, and don't be too hard on yourself - it's a moment in time, you're building your lore, and you will be okay.

xx