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six-eyed-samurai · 8 days

Note

Hello ! (I’m not sure if your requests are open but I love your fics so I really wanted to try 😭) Could you maybe write a Genya x Male reader one ? Where like Genya deals with confusion and internalised homophobia after realising he fell in love with a guy ? IM SO SORRY IF YOU DONT DO MALE READERS OR SMTH LIKE THAT, HAVE A GOOD DAY !!

SUMMARY: Genya's emotionally constipated. It's the Shinazugawa genes - but even more so when it comes to...guys?!

A/N: KYAAH Ty anon glad you enjoyed, and DW my inbox is open anytime I'm just a little slow in writing rn because of exams and I'm moving house. I have done male reader before but I'm not too used to writing gay T-T so I'm sorry if this turned out the way you wanted

WARNINGS: Male reader in case you don't read the asks and only warnings/Minor swearing

Much romance happens at Kimetsu Academy.

There's Zenitsu and Nezuko, although Genya considers it more of an obsession on the blonde’s end seeing as Nezuko doesn't openly display any signs of liking him back romantically, whatever the delusional idiot thinks. There's also Tanjiro and Kanao, the perfect epitome of friends to lovers. And whatever Aoi and Inosuke have going on.

But none of that ever happened to Genya. Sure, he thought the occasional girl was pretty or nice, but aside from the fact he explodes into a tomato just from a simple “hello” he's never been actually interested. Of course that occasionally made him feel a bit left out amongst his friends, like he was missing something great, but hey, Muichiro and him would be single pringles forever and that was fine.

(Genya's very betrayed to find out Muichiro had received a confession…and was considering accepting it.)

But it was a little unbelievable to the Kamaboko Squad that in all of the sixteen years of his life he had never had a crush, hence the interrogation they were giving him that particular day during lunch.

“Have you never fallen in love? At all?!” Genya wants to snort; as if Zenitsu would ever notice anybody else's love life but his own.

“HAHAHAHAA! LOSER!”

Tanjiro calmly shoved Inosuke away from a fuming Genya, smiling brightly. “I'm sure Genya has one! And we'll be more than happy to help him confess!”

“Aren't crushes supposed to be secret-”

“Then we have to figure out who it is first!” Zenitsu hollers.

“No-”

“Is it Kocho?!”

Kanao, Tanjiro and Genya both look scandalised but Zenitsu barrels on. Aoi face palms. Inosuke steals everyone's food.

“Is it Kanrojii?!”

“Why is everyone you're listing so much older than me!”

“OKAY, OKAY! Uh…Koyuki-”

“SHE'S ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE!”

“Sheesh, I got it, stop yelling! That Shabana girl?”

“Just why-”

“Maybe Genya does like someone but just doesn't realize it,” Kanao offers timidly.

“That's a good point, Kanao!” Tanjiro beams, causing Genya and Kanao to flush red but for entirely different reasons.

“How am I supposed to know if I like someone?”

“If you find them cute?”

“That seems really superficial,” Aoi says disapprovingly.

“You'll get really nervous around them, like your heart speeds up. You'll probably stare at them a lot too, and want to do lots of things for them, maybe hold open doors?” Tanjiro nods wisely.

“And they're the first person you look at to see if they're laughing at a joke,” Kanao agrees.

Genya considers. “Then none of the girls you just listed, honestly.”

“It's alright, you'll find the one for you one day. There's no rush now.”

“HAHAHA! TENYA IIDA IS GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER! HAHAHHAA!”

“MY NAME IS GENYA!”

***

Truth be told Genya had lied.

It wasn't a lie exactly either. More of…an avoidance of the truth. He didn't feel that way about any girls Zenitsu had mentioned, or any of the girls at school.

But he did like someone, yes.

Or no. Definitely not. It couldn't possibly be.

“Oh, hey, Shinazugawa.” Your simple wave as you joined his side outside the classroom door was enough to get his heart pounding and slightly sweaty like he had just suffered an entire class with the gym teacher Tomioka.

“Thanks for holding the door!” You call out over your shoulder, flashing him a bright smile while entering the class and taking your seat. You immediately turn to start talking with your friends, something Genya's extreme thankfully for because then you can't see the tomato red that's painting his face as he's still stuck, frozen and speechless, by the door. Only Iguro-sensei’s cold “Do you plan to have the lesson by the door or something?” Shook him out of it.

You're so confusing, Genya thinks, averting his eyes when you catch his with a mouthed “oops” and raised eyebrows, because he wants to revel in your attention and hide in a hole from it at the same time.

It was a pleasant kind of confusion, though. The kind he wouldn't mind thinking about forever; it gave him an oddly warm, fidgety feeling inside like he had just drunk an entire thermos of hot chocolate and got marshmallows to top it off. Then he promptly slaps himself (mentally) because he shouldn't be thinking about this, that and you.

Not like it stopped him from staring at the back of your head all through class. He doesn't realize it until your friend turns their head around and makes a face at him, leaning closer to you to whisper something. Genya panics and ducks his head, burying it into his arms for a few minutes before he judges it's safe to look up.

And when he does you're smiling at him knowingly, as if the both of you knew something the rest don't. Oh good lord.

Your laughter is something Genya wishes he could make as well, when the whole class watches Iguro-sensei trying to tell Inosuke off, but the dumbass can't get the teacher’s name right at all. He finds himself laughing as well, a combination of that and because of you before it hits him.

“You'll get really nervous around them, like your heart speeds up. You'll probably stare at them a lot too, and want to do lots of things for them, maybe hold open doors?”

Oh shit. Check, check, check.

“And they're the first person you look at to see if they're laughing at a joke.”

And check?!

Shit shit shit shit shit-

Genya groans. He does like you after all.

But that's not right, it's got to be wrong.

You're a boy. Genya's not gay…at least he didn't think so…Then again he's never actually liked a girl. But he's never liked a boy either. Until you.

Forget it! You're not a crush, you're the reason why Genya is going to drive himself crazy right now! Hell, why did the idea feel so wrong but so right at the same time?

Genya rubbed his temples. If he was being honest the idea only seemed so wrong because…well, because he's just never considered that possibility before. It just hasn't really occured to him he might be attracted to the same gender. It's a new concept, yes, but…not really a terrible one. He got all red with girls yes but it wasn't because he like-liked them or thought they were cute.

Was crushing on a guy really going to be any different than a girl then? Genya groaned again. Judging by his behaviour these days…yeah, not really.

Okay, then if hypothetically he DID like you and he liked guys…how would Sanemi and his friends react? Would they still want to hang out with him? Would Sanemi still…consider him his brother? What would his mom think?

What a headache. What would…you think? It'd be pretty embarrassing to like you and you're straight, Genya thought. Then again was he even sure he was gay, even certain he had a big fat crush on you?

“Hey, you alright?” The voice startles Genya out of his thoughts. He lifts up his head and looks around, startled to see everyone's left. Shit, he hadn't even realized class was over. Idiot.

He glances to his left and nearly dies of fright.

You cock an eyebrow. “Um, seeing a ghost, Genya?”

“No!” He just about shouts, flailing his arms as he tries to stop himself from falling out of his chair. “I'm fine! Really! Sorry…just, just kinda out of it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Yeah, let's talk about how I've just realized I might be-

“It's fine, it's nothing important.” Genya notices your fidgeting however. “What about you?”

You hesitate. You're playing with your sleeves quite nervously. It's making him paranoid.

“I'm just…there's a new arcade that just opened up.”

“Sounds fun,” Genya offers. He's got barely enough brain cells still functioning from the close proximity between you both.

“I was wondering - um, do you wanna go with me? I can buy all the tokens,” you quickly blurted out and held your breath.

“Sure.”

“N-no. Just you and me. Like on a date.” You rub the back of your neck, looking away. “No - no pressure or anything! I know you might not be into guys, you might already like a girl-"

“You're gay.”

You wince at his tone. Genya wishes he hadn't sounded so accusing. “Last I checked, yeah.”

“Sounds fun,” Genya repeats dumbly, because holy shit, you like him you like guys too he likes guys he really wants to go to the arcade with you oh thank god-

You blink. “So that's a…yes?”

“Absolutely.” Genya waves his hands frantically. “If you're still up for it! Nothing’s awkward! I - I do want to go as a date, not as friends, and, uh-"

He snaps his head away, embarrassed, but he glances back long enough to see you grinning like you've won the lottery.

"Does 2 pm work for you?"

Shit. He really does like you after all. And with the way you're smiling at him like that maybe he can deal with whatever bullshit that's going to come next.

***

“Hey Genya, do you want to come over this weekend?”

“Muichiro wants to go to that pizza place again.”

The Tokito twins stare at him expectantly over the usual din of the Kamaboko Squad's usual shenanigans. Now or never.

“Sorry, I'm busy.”

“With what?” Muichiro looks out off; Yuichiro frowns in surprise.

“With someone.”

The silence was so thick you could've cut it with a knife - or Zenitsu's screaming.

“WHO?”

“HAR?!”

“Is it a date?” Tanjiro managed to slap a hand over the blonde's mouth while Aoi deals with Inosuke. The twins and Kanao's mouths hang open in surprise.

Genya picked at his food. “Yeah. At the new arcade.”

“Congratulations!”

“I thought you were planning to be single forever-”

“Shut up, Mui!”

“With who?"

He says your name and again the silence is thick.

Tanjiro's eyes light up in recognition and shock. “Isn't that the new boy?”

Genya nods stiffly.

“You're…gay?” Kanao asks tentatively.

Genya nods again.

“I had no idea! I never would've guessed either.” Tanjiro shakes his head, stunned. Much to Genya's relief…he's smiling? “But good for you, Genya, I'm sure you'll enjoy the date!”

This wasn't so bad after all. It's like a weight’s been lifted off his shoulders. Now it's just how well…Sanemi will take it and his family. Probably not as easy.

“I thought it was a little weird you rejected that cute girl the other day.” Muichiro looks excited. “Now I've got a gay best friend!”

“What are you, twelve?” Yuichiro grumbles, but turns to Genya. “Have a good time then.”

“THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE! DON'T SHOCK US LIKE THAT, GENYA!” Zenitsu finally squawks, clutching his heart.

“Wait, what's gay?” Inosuke's lost. “Is Genma happy or something?!”

Never mind.

***

“Damn, I knew you were good at shooting, but basketball too?” You wiggle your eyebrows at him, pretending to throw an imaginary ball as Genya throws an actual one through the basket easily.

“Heh, this one's just easy since it's so near.” The machine flashes lights and beeps, displaying a new highest score. “And kinda short.”

“You are pretty tall,” you agreed, counting the leftover tokens. “Hey, we still have enough for that claw machine!”

“Seriously?”

So far the date's going pretty well. Genya hadn't made a fool of himself when you showed up dressed up in that letterman jacket and excitedly tackled him yelling about how you managed to get about an entire bag's worth of tokens. You both had spent your time mostly fooling around playing air hockey, shooting games (he had a moment of crisis before sitting next to you in the cramped space), he got forced to dance with you, you claimed he cheated at the racing, he won you a figurine as an apology for accidentally smacking your hand during Whack-A-Mole. Genya was kind of regretting that now, because you were now convinced Genya had amazing luck and could continue to win you more prizes. But as Sanemi said - a million times - those things were a scam, so Genya compromised by saying if only there was tokens leftover from the basketball game.

Alas and alack, he supposed, but you were already speeding towards the claw machine.

“Come on, come on, almost there, almost there!” Your chanting is barely heard over the obnoxious arcade music but you're practically breathing down his neck.

“Okay, okay, I got it, shut up for a sec.” Genya's grip on the controls is so tight he's actually afraid he might rip out the joystick by mistake like Sanemi last time…although Sanemi had done that on purpose during his rage quit and since had been banned from that particular arcade.

“Dear Kami-sama, please, please, please-”

“SHIT.”

“NOOO! So close!” Your head's tossed back in an exaggerated groan, flipping off the stupid claw that let go just a second too early. “I could've won that Hashira figurine!”

“I was the one playing!” Genya protested.

“I got the tokens!”

“I offered to pay you back! You said no!”

You punched his shoulder playfully. “Hey, this was supposed to be my treat. You can pay for the next date.”

“Next - next what-"

“Oh jeez, your face is so red now. Let's get some fresh air; I know a good dessert store.”

Genya's down bad alright.

***

“Where the hell have you been?”

It's already late by the time Genya lets himself into the house. His siblings should've been asleep, his mom too, so hopefully he could…uh, break the news the next day, when he's written and planned everything out, chewed off his nails and get that support you promised him earlier.

Luck had decided to abandon him since his second attempt at the claw machine however, since now he's been caught kicking off his shoes and smiling down at his phone, at the picture you've sent him of the figurine in your shelf.

>>Maybe I'll get more from you

You wi<<

He shuts off his phone quickly. Sanemi’s sitting on the sofa, arms crossed and does not look like a happy camper. Genya tries for an innocent smile. He probably looks like he has a stroke. If Sanemi were a cop, every criminal would be cracking in less than a minute under his interrogations.

“Out with a friend. Sorry I'm late, I was talking them back home.”

“Really? Saw all your friends - Tokito twins and that Kamado kid - earlier today. Try again."

“Someone else.”

“Cut to the chase, Genya, you were out on a date, weren't you?” Sanemi barks.

Genya's shoulders slump. “Yeah. Please don't be mad, I did tell Mom.”

“You should focus on studying. Your math grades are still too low.” Sanemi's expression softens, just slightly. "Who's the lucky girl?"

“Ah.”

“I swear to god, if it's that Shabana girl-”

“It's a guy.”

A very awkward beat of silence.

“WHO?!”

Genya almost expects to be attacked when he says your name. Or mauled after Sanemi demands every detail of what went down at the arcade. Maybe thrashed while finally confessing yes, he's not straight. But not stand there while Sanemi stares at him, strangely quiet.

“You two didn't do anything suspicious?”

Nope. You'd been quite understanding when he admitted he was still kind of getting used to the newness of…all this and offered to save a kiss for next time, causing him to explode into scarlet and try to poke you with his straw. “Aniki!”

“Is this a new thing or have you been…keeping this from me?” Unbelievable. His older brother almost looks hurt by that notion.

“A new thing, I swear, I wasn't planning on keeping anything from you, I was just waiting for the right time and right thing to say and I - I didn't know how you'd react.”

“Well…” Sanemi mutters something unintelligible, eyes moving away slightly.

“Um…what?”

“I SAID, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAPPY WITH HIM, IT'S FINE BY ME! NOW GO TO SLEEP!”

Genya couldn't stop his grin. “Really? Thank - thank you, Aniki, and okay, I will.”

“And don't do anything too intimate before you're married!”

***

You spat out your straw. “He said what?”

Genya takes a long sip of his latte, slipping his hand into yours. “I didn't make that up.”

“No,” You say, shaking your head. “That sounds like Shinazugawa.”

#sanemi about to get a brother in law 👀👀👀#Sunny's Works #genya x reader #genya x y/n #genya x you #genya shinazugawa x you #genya shinazugawa x reader #genya shinazugawa x y/n #genya x male reader #genya shinazugawa x male reader #x male reader #kny X reader

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herorkgk · 1 year

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Now I'm curious. What's YOUR favorite OW2 skin??

i'll do you one better, here's my fave skins (that i own) for all the heroes

i opened up my game for this, if anyone reads through this good luck im sorry.

d.va - shin-ryeong

i can't even begin to describe why i love this skin so much but my fave part of it is the candles on her cannons

doomfist - saitama

fun fact i became the very thing i hate for this skin (doomfist player)

junkerqueen - zeus

i literally do not care this is her best skin and nothing that could come out for her will EVER be as good as this

orisa - reindeer

another case of they can never make something for her as good as this

ramattra - poseidon

honestly again. ik he doesn't have many but its just. how can they top this? i'm very into greek mythology so this event was really awesome for me tbh

reinhardt - cardboard i've wanted this skin ever since ow1 btdubs bc my fave spray for him was always him as a kid trick or treating with cardboard armour and i wanted him to have a cardboard skin so bad. when they came out with it i caved... it was just everything i ever wanted

roadhog - pachimari

i do not play roadhog.

sigma - maestro

i like scuba too bc of his rock hard abs but this one is just so unique

winston - werewolf

i also do not play winston but i love werewolves and i got this in a lootbox once

wrecking ball - horizon

i don't play this stupid thing but i like lore skins

zarya - totally 80's

DONT CAREEEEE best zarya skin

ashe - little red

this has been the staple ashe skin for me. ashe has a lot. a LOT of really good s tier skins and i think she has the most best skins out of other characters aside from like. tracer and genji.

bastion - coffin

bird is a freaking skeleton. best skin

cassidy - riverboat

i've been wearing blackwatch lately and i keep losing so i think its a skin issue. going back to tried n true

echo - kkachi

she's actually the cutest

genji - genos

i really like one punch man....

hanzo - casual

i remember the controversy over this skin back in the day it was so funny how grandpa they made him look. i think i like this one the most on hanzo bc i just like him as a character. i also like how this skin is him finally just being himself and in a subtle way showing how he's grown into himself as a person. means a lot to me

junkrat - dr. junkenstein

DONT CAREEEEEEEE BEST SKIN IN THE ENTIRE GAME NEXT!!!!!!

mei - jiangshi

best mei skin ik melon exists but be serious

pharah - orbital

pharah has a bunch of good ones too but i can't help loving her being bald

reaper - lü bu

best reaper skin. do not care

sojourn - cyber detective

people who pretend sojourn has no good skins are delusional this is peak

soldier 76 - grillmaster

do i need to say more. i will this was the first skin i ever worked really hard for in ow1. when i started playing again i grinded for days to get enough coins to get the full set golf swing pose, highlight intro and skin. i prayed i would get it in lootboxes but i never did so i worked really hard for this. corny but it means a lot to me, that was probably the most fun i ever had playing this stupid game

sombra - face changer

i wear bride a lot too but nothing can beat face changer. imo this is one of the top 10 skins in the game if i was rating them. i love the mythology, i love the colour palette, i love the animations as the face changes, i love that you can see which face she is currently wearing on her gun in real time. its a really impressive skin

symmetra - oasis

best sym skin its so elegant and pretty and cunty

torbjorn - cybjorn

kraft mac n cheese.....

tracer - comic book

i loveeeeee this one the panels from london calling.... eats this skin

widowmaker - ange de la mort

as a widow main this skin makes me hot

ana - night owl

goth bird. best skin

baptiste - funky

dude i will never not love this skin the custom music when you select it and the gun colours. groovy

i've hit my pic limit unfortunately i will need to rb and finish the rest

#.answered #i'm so sorry you've activated a neuron in me and i've become the most annoying person to my followers

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djinn-ale · 1 year

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Heavy breathing I SEE STARBEE AND I NEED HEADCANONS THEY FRENS SHJHHHF

LMAO HIII um im not actually a starbee shipper nor am i really a headcanons haver 😅 HOWEVER i am a huge fan of whatever the fuck was going on with their exrid almost-friendship-mutual-i-need-to-fix-him ghost bee arc dynamic so i do have some thoughts on them under the cut if u are interested. as for headcanons i have exactly one (1) and its this:

t4t? nah. tvt (they fight behind maccadams at 4 pm every week)

i need to preface this by saying i absolutely hate what the autobots stand for in idw1 and i despise rid2012 with a passion, especially for how they wrote bee (autobot regime police brutality sweep??????????????). despite this, i am incredibly delusional and so i pretend that what happened isnt real. also it's been awhile since i read/skimmed through any tf comics, so i could be misremembering things or forgetting events, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

first of all i think they probably had a lot of issues with each other over the whole leadership thing. like, imagine being the guy whose own worst enemy is his leader, and has fought his entire life throughout the war to usurp him and take over his faction. like youve got so much goddamn beef with this guy and you hate everything he stands for and he hates you and you've suffered so much at this guy's hands, and after so many years, through your own scheming and plotting and killing you're able to stand at the top of cybertron as its leader!! and then in strolls the guy from the opposite faction who is The Optimus Prime Numero Uno guy, and in case that wasnt enough, he was literally handed the leadership role on a silver platter. somehow he doesnt even want the role - thinks he's too unprepared for it or some shit. idk, i just think that theres a lot of foil potential here that was missed, and instead bee was just reduced to the guy cracking various "im dead" jokes while nitpicking every single action starscream took. sure there was some back and forth between the two with morality and Why Didn't You Just Do The Right Thing and whatnot, and their bantering was fun (especially the part where bee actually disappears for a bit after screamer tells him to fuck off) but i think it couldve gone a lot deeper, and a lot more personal. what im trying to say here is that it's Very Bumblebee to try and fix literally the worst guy he knows (barring prowl), but realistically i dont think he wouldve done much to change 4 million years of habits and flaws and the 50 mental illnesses starscream had built up (if anything, starscream mightve taken the actions bee "convinced him to" regardless of what was said - remember how he kept convincing himself that bee was just "his own guilty conscience" - meaning that everything bee says is something he already thinks about, whether subconsciously or not). instead, starscream shouldve been able to convince bee to stop parasocialing op. like, i know bee being op's Most Son Ever and his belief in op being infallible is one of his biggest character flaws, but it wouldve been really cool and awesome character growth for bee to be like Wow, i actually dont think op shouldve annexed the earth that one time in the name of the matrix or whatever.

tldr if starbee was more mentally ill they wouldve been closer to each other. and also hated each other more. and then canon wouldve been so much more enjoyable to me.

#maccadam #transformers #ask #anonymous #im sorry i started spewing meta when u were looking for a headcanons post LMAO but uh yeah #a lot of this stems from the issue with american comics always taking a shit political stance. fuck police btw. the decepticons were right #i also take issue with barber for turning bee into a vehicle for starscream character development instead of it going both ways #like bee is persistent but i know his ass would not have came out of that the same person #im not sure how coherent this but anyways thats my stance on idw starbee (romantically or not) 👍

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infoplayerstart · 2 years

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hi mutuals i might still be on break but fun life update i went to a new psychiatrist and he told me i wasnt psychotic because "i was aware that i was delusional and real psychotics are unaware that theyre delusional"

#he also ignored me having adhd entirely.. implied i wasnt hallucinating enough and brushed off me hearing voices 💀#AND tried to get me to come out INFRONT OF MY MOM???#yeah happy fucking pride month to me #i hardly even got to talk he kept cutting me off while i was elaborating on stuff.#and told me im JUST depressed and anxious.... this all happened in like our firsr ever sesh that lasted 30 MINUTES 💀💀💀💀#OH AND I FORGOT I ALSO MENTIONED MY LEG PROBLEM AND HOW IVE BEEN GOING TO PHYS THERAPY 4 IT AND HE SAID #'but you seemed to be walking fine to me'#???!??!?!????#of course the ONE time i dont bring my cane with me to a medical place 😭#so yeah thats how my lifes been. :dizzy emoji: (i dont have that one my phones old)#barking #also its funny because most of the time im not aware im having a delusion i only find out after.#or its like a delusional attachment thing. like im aware of that but it doesnt change the fact that i believe it anyway #OR when im like #'ok this probably isnt actually happening to me but im gonna keep my baseball bat by my desk just in case anyway'#but of course i didnt get to go into detail about that. whatever man.#AND THE THING IS I USED TO BE UNAWARE THAT I WAS DELUSIONAL. I SPENT 90% OF MY LIFE NOT KNOWING I WAS!!#i had a year of my life where i was convinced i was going to die in my sleep bc i had injested something lethal unknowingly #WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS CONVINCED MY DEAD GRANDMA WAS TRYING TO CONTACT ME FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE #i used to think i was a GHOST and that i had DIED #i used to think my dad COULD READ MY MIND 🗣🗣🗣but yeah im sane. im only depressed. whatever #actual nightmare. especially since ive been avoiding seeking help again for a while. this just makes me want to give up 😭#im gonna try to see a psychologist instead so i hope that goes better. god #this was 2 days ago now and im feeling better but still good fucking lord

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dreamiehrs · 4 years

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a Christmas miracle ➛ z.cl

genre: fluff, comedy/crack, bestfriend!chenle, gender neutral reader, hurt/comfort somewhat

pairing: zhong chenle x reader

word count: 2,588 words

warning(s): some swearing

summary: Christmas had been the same old same old holiday for you and your family for plenty of years now, fully embracing the tradition of meeting up with family, exchanging presents, and enjoying each other’s presence on Christmas day. however, this year seemed to feel quite different, with your family quite literally forgetting that Christmas even existed, and with you all stuck in your apartment alone in the snowy city, you weren’t so sure what you were going to do for Christmas this year. unbeknownst to you, though, your sneaky best friend had a trick up his sleeve, and he was determined to make this Christmas one you’ll remember forever.

note: this is a part of mylin’s @suh-insane and sunny’s @neocitybynight Walking in a Winter Wonderland collab! this is my first time participating in a collab solely for Christmas, so I hope you all enjoy this fic of mine! Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it! I hope you all have an amazing and safe Christmas this year, and I just wanted to let you all know that I appreciate and love you guys so so SO much! (and to the people who don’t celebrate it, I still hope you all have a wonderful day nonetheless!)

prompts chosen: “when we finally kiss goodnight how I’ll hate going out in the storm! but if you’ll really hold me tight all the way home I’ll be warm.” + “that’s what Christmas memories are made from. they’re not planned; they’re not scheduled. nobody puts them in their blackberry. they just happen.”

for the past few months, time seemed to fly by without leaving a trace behind, and before you knew it, it was already Christmas day. if it was any other year, you would’ve woken up earlier, around 6 AM to be precise, and start your trek to your parents house with their gifts in hand. however, since your parents and the rest of your family got caught up in other ordeals, and quite literally forgot that Christmas even existed, you had woken up quite later than 6 AM. 9 AM, if you were being specific.

you had still bought your family presents for Christmas, of course, and took the time to wrap them and spiffy them up yourself with various different kinds of Christmas wrapping paper you’ve collected over the years as a pro wrapper (in actuality, it was just your mother giving you extra wrapping paper when she accidentally bought too much, so you weren’t entirely a pro wrapper, per se). what you were trying to say is that you put a lot of thought into buying and decorating presents for your family, and you were sort of down about how you wouldn’t be able to give them their presents in person this year.

basically, what you were trying to get across is that you quite literally had no plans for Christmas this year, and you were probably going to spend your entire day wailing away in your apartment.

nonetheless, you pulled yourself out of bed after being in deep thought for thirty minutes straight, and decided to actually not wail away in your apartment for the rest of the day. it was time to be festive, you thought to yourself, as you slowly made your way around your room to move your curtains aside to let some sunlight seep in. although you were in a brooding mood, you didn’t entirely want your room to reflect that.

you huff to yourself as you slide your feet against the carpet floor, swinging open your closet doors and glancing over all of your clothes, none of them really catching your attention. you sigh before closing both of your closet doors dramatically, turning around and heading towards your dresser. you can faintly hear your phone buzz on your nightstand as you pull on one of the knobs on one of your dresser drawers that contains your pajama pants. you grab a random pair of snug pajama pants and opt to keep the same pajama shirt you wore to bed last night on before heading to the bathroom to change.

after taking some time to get dressed and brush your teeth, you finally exit your bathroom and toss the pajama shorts you wore last night in your hamper. you snatch your phone and stash it in your pocket before making your way towards your miniature kitchen. you promptly grab your kettle and fill it up with water, waiting for it to reach the third line before placing it on your stove. you move the dial until its exactly on high temperature, and you’re about to start to make yourself breakfast until you feel your phone buzz in your pocket.

fed up with how active your phone had been for the past thirty minutes, you finally fish your phone out of your pocket and lean against the counter next to your stove.

your phone contained the usual notifications, such as Instagram likes, Team Snapchat sending you a Christmas snap, your best friend chenle spamming your phone- wait, your best friend chenle spamming your phone? that was FAR from your usual notifications, and you were honestly quite surprised that he was contacting you on Christmas day this year. he’s usually spending it with his family all day, and never texts you back until he gets back home, which is around eight PM.

without thinking, you unlock your phone and tap on the messages icon, and your jaw almost drops when you see how many messages he sent you within the past few hours. since 6 AM, chenle has sent you over one hundred messages, and for once, you were grateful that you were a heavy sleeper, because if you were a light sleeper and woke up to every single one of his messages, you would’ve lost your mind.

you [9:45 AM]: please chenle what do you WANT FROM ME

lele the dumdum [9:45 AM]: WOW YOU’VE FINALLY WOKEN UP FROM UR DEEP SLUMBER

lele the dumdum [9:45 AM]: I THOUGHT U WERE NEVER GOING TO WAKE UP

lele the dumdum [9:46 AM]: took u long enough smh

you [9:46 AM]: ...is this really how you’re going to treat me on Christmas day??

lele the dumdum [9:46 AM]: I treat you like this all the time. what makes you think that today’s gonna be any different?

you [9:47 AM]: …

lele the dumdum [9:47 AM]: anyways… MY GORGEOUS WONDERFUL BESTIE WHAT DO U HAVE PLANNED FOR CHRISTMAS TODAY

lele the dumdum [9:48 AM]: DO ANY OF UR PLANS INVOLVE ME POTENTIALLY COMING OVER??? O.O

you [9:48 AM]: is this why you’ve been spamming my phone SINCE 6 AM!?!?!

you [9:48 AM]: also why were you awake at 6 am anyways

you [9:49 AM]: did your crush finally text you back or are you still drowning in loneliness like usual

lele the dumdum [9:50 AM]: I don’t even have a crush??? who told you that false information

you [9:50 AM]: the little elves running around my house whispered it in my ear last night

lele the dumdum [9:51 AM]: I think you’re going to delusional

you [9:51 AM]: I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case at this point

lele the dumdum [9:51 AM]: MOVING ON

lele the dumdum [9:52 AM]: WHAT DO U HAVE PLANNED

lele the dumdum [9:52 AM]: I NEED TO KNOW THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

you [9:53 AM]: me planning to wail in sorrow all day is very important to you??

lele the dumdum [9:53 AM]: ...excuse me what?? UR GOING TO WAIL IN SORROW ALL DAY ON CHRISTMAS DAY!?!?

lele the dumdum [9:54 AM]: this is not acceptable. I am coming over right now to spread some of my FESTIVENESS AND JOLLINESS with you :D

you [9:55 AM]: chenle you really don’t have to-

lele the dumdum [9:55 AM]: TOO BAD IM OMW RN AS WE SPEAK

you [9:56 AM]: at least bring some festivities, games, and snacks with you 🙄

lele the dumdum [9:56 AM]: oh shit you have a point

lele the dumdum [9:57 AM]: BRB ILL BE THERE IN 30

you knew that once chenle had made his mind up about something, he wasn’t going to change it that easily, so it would be futile to try and stop him now. you don't bother replying to his last message, and you shove your phone back in your pocket a few moments before your kettle whistles. you move on from chenle tormenting you for twelve minutes straight and make yourself some tea and breakfast instead.

it was now around 10:30 AM, and you had just finished digesting your breakfast when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket again. you were lying down on your small, beige couch, with your cold tea sat on the coffee table a few feet away. you were still in your pajamas, with no intent of changing into actual clothes anytime soon.

once again, you fish your phone out of your pocket to see what nonsense chenle was texting you this time.

lele the dumdum [10:31 AM]: open up, bitch

you [10:31 AM]: I thought I gave you a spare key??

lele the dumdum [10:32 AM]: shit I forgot it

lele the dumdum [10:32 AM]: anyways OPEN UP

you lazily lift yourself up from off of your couch, grasping your mug of cold tea on the way to the door. you take your time unlocking your door, halfly because you felt like annoying chenle, and halfly because you were just over today in general.

the first thing that stands out to you once you swing open your front door is how different your outfit looks compared to chenle. he was all bundled up with plenty of layers to keep him warm while adventuring the city, and meanwhile you adorned white and pink striped pajamas with socks on. you also noticed that he had a dark grey bookbag on his back, and was holding two full bags in his hands.

the two of you stare at each other for a few more seconds until chenle breaks the silence with: “I think this is the most I’ve seen you look like a complete old person. there have been other times, but the old person persona is just jumping out at me right now.”

you roll your eyes. “don’t say that when you yourself have dressed up as an old person before.”

“yeah, yeah,” he brushes you off, passing by you to slip his shoes off and to take off his five hundred layers. “it doesn’t matter whether you look like an old person, it mainly matters whether you have the spirit of an old person, you know?”

“I cannot comprehend your words this early in the morning. we can have a conversation about whether I act like an old person later.” you say as you watch him remove his large, dark green jacket and place it onto your coat rack. you can hear him scoff at your remark, and you grin as you see the corners of his mouth lift up slightly.

“early in the morning? y/n it’s only-” he pauses to check his phone “10:32 AM. that’s early for you?”

“I woke up at 9 AM, you dum.”

“oh,” he swivels around to face you after taking his shoes off and removing all of his additional layers. “makes sense, I guess. you’ve only been awake for an hour and a half, so you’re probably not fully awake yet. I mean, I’ve been awake since 6 am, and I’m bursting with energy compared to you.”

you give him a deadpan expression in response to what he said, and he can’t help but burst out laughing at your reaction. he steps up beside you and pats your shoulder gently. “well, besides that, I’m gonna be the one who helps you burst with energy like I am right now! follow me!” he whisper-shouts a few inches away from your ear, and you can feel his hand leave your shoulder and grasp your right hand in a matter of seconds.

he leads you back towards your couch, and even somehow manages to help you set your mug down even though he has bags in his hands. the two of you plop down on your couch, and you almost melt at how soft and comfortable your couch was. you closed your eyes for a few seconds as chenle rustled through his bags beside you, and you don’t know how much time has passed when chenle starts to snap his fingers at you.

“y/n, I am not going to deal with your sleepy ass right now. I spent around forty minutes scurrying around the city to find things to lift your mood, and I am not going to let those forty minutes go to waste just because you’re tired.”

you groan and roll to the other side, facing away from chenle. “just five more minutes…”

surprisingly, you’re met by silence in response to your wish of wanting five more minutes of rest, but that silence doesn’t last when you feel something cold touch your face.

you screech and immediately open your eyes to witness chenle pressing an ice cube onto your forehead. you swat the ice cube off of your forehead as quick as you can, and stare up at chenle like he’s gone completely mad. “what was that for?”

he grins proudly. his plan had worked. “awake now? great. now, help me figure out what we should do first.”

“I think you’ve gone mad. I cannot believe you just woke me up by pressing an ice cube onto my forehead.” you complain, still feeling the coldness of the ice cube on your forehead. when you finally move to face him now, you see that he had brought plenty of things for you two to entertain yourselves.

“I could’ve done worse things, like dip my hand into freezing water and press it against your face, but I was feeling generous today, so I decided to spare you the pain.”

you scoff. “right. anyways, what’d you bring?”

he glances at you excitedly before getting into it. “well, I brought plenty of snacks, some fizzy drinks, some board games, some movies I rented that we could watch together, some candy, etc. I honestly brought everything that I thought you would like with me, so I really hope all of this is enough to make your Christmas day a little bit more festive. I may have also bought you a present, but besides that… let’s get this party started! ...y/n?”

he tears his gaze away from the couch to up to your face, and you don’t entirely register that you’re crying until a few minutes after staring into his eyes. “oh, I’m sorry… I just… I’m just really grateful that you decided to come all this way to cheer me up on Christmas day, and you brought so many things with you as well to make me feel better so… thank you, chenle.”

he beams at you even though he can feel a tear threatening to fall from his left eye, and instead of letting you see him cry as well, he quickly wraps his arms around your figure, bringing you into a tight hug. “of course, y/n. you know I’d do anything for you, right? if you’re down, I’m going to cheer you up in some way, shape, or form, and if you feel like watching the world burn, then I’ll be right by your side.”

“awh, stop it, you’re going to make me cry even more.” you faintly hit his back with your hand, and he giggles as a few tears fall down his face.

the two of you stay like that for a good five more minutes, which is enough time for chenle to regain his composure and act like he didn’t shed a few tears in the process. he slowly leaves your grasp, taking a good look at your face and wiping some tears off of your face with his thumb. “you know what I think will make you feel better?”

you grin. “what?”

he smiles before swiveling around to rustle through his bookbag, and your eyes widen when you finally process what he’s up to.

the next moment happens so quickly you can barely register that it’s happening. chenle swivels around with two nerf guns in his hands, throws you one that lands perfectly in your arms, and declares: “me completely destroying you in a nerf gun battle will make you feel better.” before he releases fire on you.

you shriek as you run across your apartment, trying to avoid the plastic bullets that chenle was littering your apartment with. eventually, he does win the battle, and it does make you feel better in the end, but let’s not mention that or else his ego will run wild, alright?

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ablednt · 3 years

Note

I’m wondering if you might know something about this. I’m autistic, trans, and other things, and I can only visualize myself as characters I have a special interest in. Like I picture myself as someone I’m not to the point that it cause identity issues and body dysmorphia. (Note- I don’t think I have DID or OSDD, as far as I know of, I don’t have any alters, this is all just me rotating out characters in both personality and what I think Im supposed to look like)

There's quite a few things this could be! Since I don't have enough info to make an educated guess I'll just list possibilities/things you could look into to see what fits if anything

You say you don't have DID/OSDD but you didn't really specify plurality as a whole so I am going to mention it just in case it's helpful. You don't have to have fully separate alters/headmates to be on the plural spectrum, there's medians which are in between singlet and multiple and that comes in a lot of ways. If you feel like each new character you fixate on is in part their own person that you're becoming, or like there's different "versions" of you each who have different personalities, choices, or anything akin to sentience etc. then you could be a median! (You can either ID as a median system, a median singlet, or just a median, etc. it's a very broadly used label)

This could still actually be a dissociative disorder but not the plural kind! If you find that your dissociate a lot or that without this you are very distressed because you lack a concrete sense of self/personality then you could be a singlet with a dissociative disorder. There's a few different ones and I'm not super familiar with all the criteria specifically, but if you ask around you'll probably find what you're looking for. (Or, if and ONLY if you're sure it's safe to do so and this is the way you want to go, you can talk to a therapist about your experiences and go from there)

Then there's the fictionkin community and a lot of similar/adjacent terms that I'm not as familiar with but are basically alternate terms that describe specific experiences. Anyway, kinning is like being a fictive but singlets can kin, anyone can kin. I am not in the community itself because there seems to be a lot of complicated discourse but I'm kin with quite a few characters. This can mean a lot of different things, for me it means that in lifetimes other than this one (I say past lives to make it simple but I don't honestly think it's that linear) I was these people who are, in this universe, just fictional characters. Like, I was isekaid into a world where my old identity, my old life and experiences, was now being told as a fictional story. However, not all fictionkin believe that, some just think they retroactively chose to have that identity, some don't think about the reason and just say "hey I'm this character", some people kin for fun/to cope, and some people have delusions about being specific characters (this one's also common referred to as a delusional attachment, and it's specifically for people who experience psychosis)

Another possibility on the mental illness front, you may have a personality disorder like BPD. I know with BPD it can be really hard for me to stick with who I am, which is a big part of why I kin and in general just describe myself through fictional characters, aesthetics, celebrities, kind of whatever my brain latches onto that I can connect with. This is, of course, contingent on you meeting the criteria for the disorder. With the BPD example it requires a lot of distress, relationship problems (at least, internally, you may be masking your symptoms. I don't meet the official criteria for BPD despite self dxing with it simply because the DSMV assumes that no one has ever caught on to the fact that many of these symptoms are toxic and repressed them rather than fucked up all their relationships), and general instability and mood swings etc.

This isn't every possibility but those are the ones I'm familiar with. Hopefully this was helpful, you can ask about any of these things or give more context if you want but don't feel obligated to!

#sorry if this is hard to read I tried not to be too lengthy #but I couldn't really break that up more than it is

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pseudoneiiric · 3 years

Text

meta post: ocd, mysophobia, and a revelation on my part.

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is… her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness… works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like… she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow… caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it.

— me, circa november 2020

the other day, i was writing a crossover ship fic for lilian when i ran into a problem. namely, the Touch Aversion problem. at first glance, the reasoning behind lilian’s touch aversion seems really simple: she hates germs and dirty things, so she wears gloves and washes her hands so frequently that they blister. since she has ocd and mysophobia, it makes sense for her to be obsessive about cleanliness and for her passive skill to be listed as cleaning. she doesn’t touch q84 in canon even in life-threatening situations, except for the very end, because she hates touching people. when anri kissed her, lilian was so grossed out that she imagined anri as a parasite. and when it comes to her taking off her glove and holding vincent’s hand... well,

but upon replaying hello charlotte 3 and doing a little bit of digging with regards to the actual symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder and mysophobia, i realized something. and this “something” was a game-changer.

so let’s start off by defining some things. obsessive-compulsive disorder, shortened to ocd, has several diagnostic criteria, which you can read here if you’d like the full clinical definition. for the sake of length, though, i will only talk about the most important part to take away from the diagnostic criteria.

ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd. is. not. a fucking fear of germs. obsessions may involve cleanliness. compulsions may include wanting areas to be clean. it is entirely possible for ocd to be accompanied by mysophobia, but a fear of germs is not inherent to the diagnosis of ocd. what is inherent to the diagnosis of ocd is a repeated and pervasive series of intrusive thoughts which cause the person with ocd debilitating anxiety or distress, and a set of compulsions that the person with ocd performs in order to mitigate said anxiety. these compulsions do not need to correspond to the actual obsession. a lot of obsessions don’t. for example, your obsession could be around disliking cluttered environments, but your compulsion could be pacing a hallway fourteen times back and forth while mentally reciting the preamble to the american constitution. in some cases, the compulsion is related to the obsession but is generally considered excessive. remember that ocd is not characterized by a need for cleanliness and that it is instead characterized by ritualistic behaviour accompanied by obsessive thought patterns.

i also want to talk about this section in particular, taken from the website linked above:

D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with appearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, as in hoarding disorder; [ ... ] ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; [ ... ] thought insertion or delusional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder).

Specify if:

With good or fair insight: The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true.

With poor insight: The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true.

With absent insight/delusional beliefs: The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true.

i want to let the record show that lilian has several of these disorders. while i don’t believe that this disqualifies her from having ocd, i do think it’s important to note that there is comorbidity between these disorders.

i included this section on inslght because i’m going to go into depth why i believe lilian has absent insight/delusional beliefs. but in order to talk about that, we need to figure out just what it is that lilian is obsessively thinking, what it is that’s causing her so much distress. if ocd doesn’t inherently involve a need for cleanliness, then could it be that lilian’s obsessions revolve around her mysophobia? after all, mysophobia is germaphobia, so maybe she’s just scared of germs, and that’s why she’s always washing her hands.

so, let’s talk about mysophobia. it isn’t listed under the dsm v on its own, but it does exist (albeit not by name) under the umbrella term specific phobia disorder. you can look that up yourself, but from the research i’ve done, i can fairly safely say this: mysophobia, more commonly referred to as germaphobia, is not a fear of germs for the sake of fearing germs. it is a fear of being contaminated, sick, or infected, whether it be through other people or through the environment. symptoms of mysophobia include but are not limited to obsessive handwashing, an extreme avoidance of places that are deemed unclean, and excessive planning to avoid contamination. this separates it from ocd in that ocd involves ritualistic behaviours (like handwashing) to ease anxiety, whereas mysophobia involves these ritualistic behaviours to actually make the area cleaner. to summarize, mysophobic actions are directly related to the fear of contracting an illness.

okay, kids, what have we learned?

though ocd can be accompanied by mysophobia, the two of them are not synonymous. ocd is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours designed to ease anxiety surrounding those thoughts.

there are lots of comorbidities present with ocd and other disorders lilian has, such as autism spectrum disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, and psychotic disorders.

mysophobia is more accurately defined as being afraid of being infected or contaminated. mysophobic compulsions relate directly to the desire to eliminate contaminants, rather than being a self-soothing action to reduce anxiety.

now that we’ve laid the groundwork for analyzing lilian’s behaviour, let’s dive into canon. what can we say about lilian’s anxious preoccupations? what excessive planning does she undergo to avoid contact with germs? and, most importantly, why is she perfectly fine with holding vincent’s hand? (it’s still bad writing, but i found an explanation that makes it better)

the most obvious sign of both ocd and mysophobia present in canon is lilian’s intense preoccupation with handwashing. we only see this happen once, in hello charlotte 2.

i’ve removed some sections for the sake of length, but here are some revealing lines from lilian:

My fellow students smashed my head into a worm soup.

I can’t [stop washing my hands]. I’ve washed off [most] of the soup, but I still feel dirtied.

In fact, everything I touch feels contaminated. I can’t just shake off the feeling of disgust.

between ocd and mysophobia, this reaction seems very solidly linked to the latter. lilian’s head was dunked into soup, and she felt disgusted and contaminated, so she began to obsessively wash the soup away. the only other place where handwashing is mentioned is in lilian’s mind exhibition in hello charlotte 3.

in this poem, lilian attributes her handwashing to her ocd, where she writes, “wash and repeat! it’s not enough!” she doesn’t state in this poem if she does this to reduce the possibility of getting sick or if she does this as a compulsive ritual. both interpretations are plausible, given the vague statement “it’s not enough!”. perhaps it’s not enough because she still feels contaminated, or it’s not enough because she has not been rid of the anxiety caused by her intrusive thoughts. maybe it’s a little bit of both.

however, excessive handwashing does not a disorder make. sure, lilian washes her hands until they blister, but why? what is she trying to avoid? in the example in hello charlotte 2, she’s washing off soup. this is a direct response to an uncomfortable situation and not to an anxious preoccupation. in her poem, she offers no hint as to what is causing her so much anxiety that she needs to wash her hands compulsively. and once you start to pick through her behaviour in search of a thread of obsessive thinking, it starts to become clear that there might not be one.

the truth is, lilian’s actions in canon are generally inconsistent given the definitions listed above. her touch aversion is implied to be caused by her mysophobia, but she has no real plan for avoiding touch besides wearing gloves, which she ditches anyway when touching vincent. in heaven’s gate, it’s implied to be more of an aromantic or asexual thing. (i say aromantic because the scene was a little weird about not dividing the line between romantic and sexual attraction, so even though lilian’s canonically asexual, the scene was actually talking about kissing and dating and might have just been a ploy to get nonconsensual kissing in because that’s apparently mandatory in like every game anri appears in.) but that doesn’t make much sense either, considering that platonic and otherwise non-sexual touch is also off-limits.

we return to the intense, excessive and obsessive nature of both ocd and mysophobia. passing fears of contamination or infection don’t classify as mysophobia, and vague and isolated anxieties don’t classify as ocd. the individual has to be intensely preoccupied by these thoughts. however, in canon, lilian is generally not preoccupied with getting sick or dirty until it actually happens to her. her goal in life is to become a doctor, a profession that involves repeated and close contact with infectious diseases. she also takes care of her bedridden mother, which in many cases involves helping the individual with their personal hygiene. her mother is the reason why she wants to become a doctor in the first place, and since anri knows about this dream, it’s fairly safe to assume that this is lilian’s own dream, not scarlett’s. however, in hello charlotte 3, when q84 is wounded, she asks lilian to treat her wounds, and lilian’s response is as follows:

this is further reinforced when q84 is decomposing after having used her wish, and umbrella man states that lilian is fighting the urge to vomit. however, in the infirmary scene, lilian is quite comfortable with being physically close to q84, even when there is a possibility for skin contact. note how charlotte’s hair (which has the possibility of carrying bacteria, skin flakes, etc.) is close to lilian’s face, but how lilian seems quite content, even relaxed.

this is stressful! what is the truth?

on top of that, we know for a fact that, despite being mysophobic, lilian has no issue (at least in hello charlotte 2) with using public bathrooms at school, something that is generally a huge obstacle for people struggling with mysophobia. in true realm, this is never addressed, which lends credence to the idea that she simply doesn’t worry about the transmission of germs in shared spaces like bathrooms, nor is she worried at all about using anri’s smartphone to take blackmail pictures when screens are generally a hotbed of germs. we could say that she makes such liberal use of her gloves that she doesn’t even think about the germs living on them (unlikely), but then she’d likely have a panic attack when she does things like touch her face, which she does in at least one of her sprites.

in fact, the only thought she has about cleanliness in true realm flashbacks is in one of the final ones. she thinks the following: “we lie on the floor for a long time. i briefly wonder if it’s properly vacuumed.” this is, like, a normal thought. i can’t stress enough how normal this thought is and how quickly this thought passes. i cannot stress enough how little she cares about the cleanliness of this floor.

so, like, what gives? why does lilian wear gloves? why does she say she’s squeamish in false realm or want to throw up when holding charlotte? and most importantly, how is she mysophobic when she doesn’t seem to fear germs at all?

the answer fucking blew my mind, folks. are you ready? here it is.

This world is swarming with parasites. Tiny. Invisible. Tenacious. Once they outwit your immune system, they eat you from the inside. Use you as an incubator for their offspring. Control your mind and alter your personality. They keep reproducing, and reproducing, and reproducing, endlessly reproducing. Until every single person is consumed by the disease.

from this excerpt, we can glean the following:

the parasite lilian is describing is a disease that targets the immune system;

the parasite functions by controlling its host like a puppet and altering aspects of their personality, potentially causing them to act in a way that is uncharacteristic; and

the parasite’s goal is to reproduce and to eventually infect everyone in the world.

these are the very first lines in the very first flashback to true realm. an echoing of these very lines are found later, when lilian is saying them to q84. note that, according to etherane, it has been many, many years since these words have first been uttered. but lilian manages to quote them verbatim. given that she can recite these lines perfectly years after her death, it seems that this is a comforting mantra about the world’s truths. and from that, we can gather that repeating this mantra is one of her compulsions, alongside handwashing.

this is it. this is the root of lilian’s mysophobia. these lines accurately explain a pervasive delusion that manifests both in lilian’s thoughts and in her visual hallucinations. more accurately, it is the mantra that describes the “o” in lilian’s ocd and the illness that causes her mysophobia. the parasite is the disease she’s afraid of contracting, and that fear is the intrusive thought that brings her so much anxiety. i tried to compile a list of all the times lilian or someone modelled after her has mentioned contamination, a preoccupation with purity, a parasite, a tumour, rottenness, or anything relating to this core concept, but there was just... so much. the entire world of hello charlotte is based around parasites and mind control. the deus ex machina of this world is a parasite itself. all charlottes have the disease. this world is literally obsessed with the delusion lilian’s held her whole life.

and now that we’ve framed it like that... is it any wonder that this is the obsessive thought? something we’d previously assumed to be a persistent metaphor is actually an intense preoccupation. lilian’s inconsistent actions in canon make sense because she’s not worried about contracting a physical illness, but rather a mental one that’s linked to a persistent delusion of hers. throughout canon, we see no instances of lilian questioning this belief, leading her to be classified as having absent insight/delusional beliefs.

before i continue, i want to mention that the pitfall many hello charlotte fans fall into, and the one i myself have fallen into in the past, is assuming that lilian was always unable to touch others. though she wears gloves throughout the entirety of the true realm flashbacks, she was actually alright with making contact with others up until a specific point in her life. and, interestingly enough, it was not vincent's death that spurred on this change. a full three months pass between his death and the time when lilian's mental health took a nosedive. the critical moment of change involves the very last flashback: 531 days before the trial.

lilian and anri decide to run away together. however, lilian was actually planning a double suicide. upon learning this, anri grows agitated, punching lilian and pinning her down to the floor. it's at this point that lilian realizes anri's feelings for her. after anri kisses her, she becomes a parasite. when lilian gets home, she checks on mother and realizes that mother has become a parasite as well.

from this day onwards, lilian begins to see everyone in her life as a parasite. she says it herself: "That moment I realized. I could never touch a human being ever again." this is the start of her intense touch aversion and marks the beginning of the end of her life. it’s at this point that lilian becomes physically repulsed by everyone around her and the environment she exists in, and these feelings generally persist, albeit on a lesser scale, in false realm.

but what is the parasite? in true realm, the parasite is only described in lilian’s mantra, but there are several nuances to the definition that go unexplained. however, in false realm, parasites take a variety of forms. similarly to how scarlett and umbrella man are reflections of lilian’s inner self that take shape as their own entities within false realm, lilian’s definitions for what a parasite is also breaks off and takes shape into various different forms after her death. when we examine what parasites are in false realm, we can begin to understand what makes someone turn into a physical deformity in lilian’s eyes and why she’s so afraid of the parasite in the first place.

there are three kinds of deformities in false realm. there is the oracle (left), the bullies (upper-right), and the faceless (lower-right). these are not all official terms, but they’ll be the ones that i use going forward.

the oracle is the entity that most closely follows the original logic of the mantra — it is an entity that rapidly multiplies (either through a race like the pythias or organically through cell division as it does in hello charlotte 3) and forms a collective out of several individuals. hello charlotte 2 explains that unification of a civilization is an arduous and painful procedure involving the slow loss of individuality until the race completely submits to the will of the parasitic host. the oracle is, to summarize, an entity that can “control your mind and alter your personality”. the oracle is the only parasite that ever enters another’s body. the other two forms of parasites are never called parasites themselves, but show visible deformities that house tenants and other important characters do not.

the faceless visually signify a lack of importance. these people do not do anything special. in some cases, they appear as a literal amalgamate, showing a hive-mindedness even if they are not being controlled by the oracle. these individuals are usually treated neutrally, and are not generally considered “bad”. they are simply narratively unimportant. by contrast, bullies do have faces, but they are vastly distorted and exhibit bright colouring. i may talk a bit more in a future post about colour symbolism and how it plays into both lilian’s and q84′s mysophobias, but to briefly summarize: the presence of colour is considered a contaminant, whereas white is considered an absence of colour and therefore “pure”. therefore, the brightly-coloured bullies are contaminated. these individuals show corrupted behaviour. they hurt others for personal gain, and are generally considered irredeemable.

in true realm, however, we see no such stylistic distinction. however, though they are not represented visually, the parasites in true realm show the same patterns as the oracle, the bullies, and the faceless. .

now that we have determined what the parasite is, we can determine how the parasite spreads. as previously stated, the parasite does not spread through shared surfaces or skin contact, as normal viruses do. lilian herself seems to treat it like it's just chance, like the parasite just chose to infect people randomly. but there are some things that she says that lends credence to the idea that the parasite is discriminate. after all, though her delusional belief is that the parasite will attach itself to any host it comes into contact with, this delusional belief did come from somewhere. and after examining the process of contamination over the course of the two or so years we see of her life, i believe this belief stemmed from her black-and-white views on good and evil and her penchant to see life as a narrative.

the first outcropping of parasites in lilian’s life were likely the faceless. she seems much less perturbed by them, and seem to view them as simply background pieces. this may be because of her belief in “protagonist” characters. in false realm, q84 makes liberal use of the term “npcs”, though all charlottes seem to have a concept of other students being faceless and subservient to them. this is a tenuous connection, but i believe lilian shares a similar belief. she may consider others "narratively unimportant”; that is, lacking direction or initiative, or perhaps simply not making an impact. she prides herself on being an observer, but she is undeniably the self-hating protagonist of her story. she says that if there is an afterlife, she doesn’t want to be its protagonist. this implies that on some level, she’s considered herself the protagonist of her own life. it’s definitely plausible given lilian’s tendency to project negative traits on others for her to see herself as comparatively good or blameless. by placing her own negative traits onto scarlett, for example, lilian creates a shaky ideal self. in other words, she creates a somewhat worthy protagonist.

and worthiness is incredibly important to lilian. a strong recurring theme in hello charlotte is the notion of “goodness”, especially when it relates to being polite. for example, in hello charlotte 1, a door refuses to open for you if you don't say please, and will call you insolent. all charlottes strive to be a “good girl” because their mothers told them to. interestingly enough, this is also what lilith tells lilian in true realm. since all charlottes have this strict adherence to being a good girl, this must have been very impactful for lilian. being considered “good” must have been very important to her. and being considered “bad” must have been similarly devastating.

knowing that charlotte is lilian's self-insert oc makes things even clearer. charlotte embodies an extreme selflessness, wanting to sacrifice herself for the good of others at any cost. any desire she has to be saved is rapidly dismissed as selfish, and she repeatedly states that she doesn't want to be a burden. charlotte's character makes a clear statement: good people are not burdensome. good people have faith in humanity. good people believe in others, and they help others even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

the delusion is lilian’s failsafe. it’s her way of ensuring that she could never consider herself a bad person or a burden. in creating the narrative of a contagious parasite infecting the world, lilian is protecting herself from personal responsibility, both in herself and in others. instead of maintaining her belief that some people are evil, which she would consider a Bad Belief to have, she believes that they have simply caught a contagious disease. the bad-person disease, if you will. and since that disease alters the mind and personality of its hosts, these people are not directly responsible for their actions. here, lilian is absolved of hating people who hurt others. now, like charlotte, she can simply wish for their recovery. because they aren’t choosing to hurt others. they’re being manipulated into it by an invisible, malicious, contagious puppeteer.

a similar logic is applied to those lilian finds burdensome. since good people, in her eyes, can make themselves a martyr no matter the circumstances, it would be considered very bad if lilian could not do the same. this is evidenced when mother turns into a parasite. in that scene, lilian thinks the following:

It'd be easier if my mom was a workaholic who was never home. It'd be easier if we hated each other. It'd be easier if I didn't remember the days when she was still full of energy. Who would want to admit [to] their parent giving up on life and slowly rotting in the bedroom? Who would admit to thinking of their only parent as a parasitic existence? After that day, nothing was the same anymore.

in this instance, the word “parasite” is used to describe a leech, someone who constantly takes and never gives back. and in using this word to describe them, lilian relegates them in her mind as bullies, because she can’t admit to feeling burdened.

we see this also in anri. it’s not the physical action of the kiss that turns anri into a parasite. it’s the realization that anri has always had ulterior motives, that anri expects something of lilian. and lilian, feeling burdened, projects her own guilt about her lack of reciprocation onto anri. even at the end of her life, when she’s in the ocean, she reveals that one of her greatest regrets is not being able to reciprocate anri’s feelings.

vincent, on the other hand, is a charming stranger. he never gives lilian any reason to suspect that he may have ulterior motives. he’s successful, driven, popular, and talented. in many ways, he’s everything lilian wants to be. and since she doesn’t meet him for a long time, she can imagine him to be simply “the blinding icon on her screen“. she can project anything she wants onto him, and she chooses to project hope onto him. with his politeness, his charm, his compliments, he appears to be the ideal human. like lilian, he has managed to avoid being infected by the parasite. lilian grows attached to this interpretation, just as she grows attached to the mutuality of her friendship with anri, and just as she grows attached to her love for her mother. lilian doesn’t want to think of these people as parasites. in vincent’s case, he dies before he ever gets the chance to burden her. rather, he leaves her with the guilt of not being able to follow him and a misplaced idolatry of him and his beliefs.

the parasite, being a visual representation of perceived evil intent, seems to be non-contagious in nature. this doesn’t change, though, that lilian believes it is contagious. she wants to spend time with people she has deemed good, and to avoid bullies. however, the simple act of feeling burdened is enough to make lilian believe that the parasite is spreading at a breakneck rate and that the world she lives in is becoming more and more contaminated. once she feels she’s lost her support system, the parasite begins to spread, and she begins to feel less and less inherently good. it’s clear that the people around her had a stabilizing effect on her. but once she feels abandoned, her unhealthy coping mechanisms begin to catch up to her. lilian describes herself as filthy by the end of her life, and it’s very likely that she feared becoming a parasite herself if she were to continue down the path she was on.

the last piece of the puzzle is this: what saved anri and mother for so long, and what saved vincent from becoming a parasite altogether? after all, anri is a perfect candidate for developing the parasite, and arguably, so is mother. both of them rely on lilian for different things, and anri actively engages in blackmail. it would be simple as well to see c as disingenuous or fake. but lilian doesn’t entertain any of those thoughts, either for a very long time or at all. why?

the answer is simple. the people that lilian loves are less likely to be infected by the parasite. even if they are infected, she is kinder to them. after anri says she’ll leave lilian, after her confession and her subsequent contamination, lilian lets anri cuddle her. she even hugs anri tightly before they part, and keeps in contact with her until... well, just before she commits suicide. despite the relationship between lilian and her mother being one-sided, lilian holds onto pleasant memories of her mother because she doesn’t want to believe that she could feel burdened. and lilian is so attached to her love for c that she doesn’t see anything wrong with him.

all of this is to say that lilian’s touch aversion does not stem from physical cleanliness, but rather her perception of the other’s purity. this means that she’s not only willing to touch others if she deems them a “good person”, but that she is actively okay with it. this is evidenced even in false realm, where she is alright with exchanging casual moments of intimacy with charlotte and q84, such as in the “take my hand” scene and in the infirmary scene. since she loves these individuals, she sees them as inherently better people than she would if she viewed them objectively. this is a game-changer when it comes to touch-aversion. with respect to the charles/vincent ships where lilian’s okay with kissing... that’s a different story. even though saliva may not trigger her mysophobia, we’ve seen on multiple occasions both in canon and in heaven’s gate that lilian is indifferent to mouth-kissing at best. however, she is definitely comfortable with some displays of physical affection with those she cares for, and is generally willing to excuse much more when it comes to those she loves.

thank you for reading this post in its entirety! i did not expect it to get this long, so if you got to the end, i just want you to know i love and appreciate you SO much

#lilian eyler: study.#body horror //#unsanitary //#suicide //#long post //#the way that i still feel like i have more to say #this post got SO long but i care about her so much

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ocular-intercourse · 5 years

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ugh, family update

made a thread on twitter and thought i might as well post something here, cause it does help me get stuff out of my head and heart when i write it down like that

so remember how my family wanted to have a meet-up so we could all talk about me being trans or rather transitioning in the future, that was today

and i had talks about the topic with most of them before, my younger older brother being the most supportive and understanding, my oldest brother generally not caring what i do as long as i am happy, but doubting if i’m not just looking for attention, and my parents just being worried i could regret things (mind you they probably have more problems with it, but thats the one they voiced) the general consensus being that they want me to be happy and if that’s something i have to do, i should do it. so far so good, could be much worse. it’s just..

i mean.. it’s already being hinted at in the reaction of my parents and my older brother, that they wonder if i’m really trans, or if i really need to transition, or if i’m not just making myself believe that for whatever reason, their theories reaching from ‘out of spite’ to just ‘a crapshoot at trying to find happiness’

but the whole thing just unearthed how they, mostly my oldest brother, my mother and my sister, do not believe i’m actually autistic (you know, because they know better than professionals or myself) and if i fake that, or falsely believe in that, then the same applies to me being trans too i guess

and my reaction to someone saying they don’t believe in my diagnosis is generally ‘then you don’t know what autism even is’ and thats the whole point. my oldest brother even agreed to that, but somehow still is sure i’m not autistic?? how does that even work? i got mad at that, and my sisters reaction was ‘see, you’re mad, you can’t be autistic’ which is absolute definite proof that she never even bothered to learn what aspergers even is. and they must know that?? that they never informed themselves, but somehow they also magically know that i can’t be autistic?? and i just really don’t know how they justify that conclusion in their minds? what are they basing it on? cause it’s certainly not medical or scientific fact. for whatever reason they just don’t WANT me to be autistic, they prefer to believe that i’m either delusional, lying to myself or to them, or that i’m just faking to avoid doing certain things, and that i just have to get over it or try harder, and i just don’t know where the benefit is in believing that?? why are they trying so hard to deny me this diagnosis? really what is the point? that i might realize they are right and magically all my symptoms will disappear? they are just hellbend on denying me the help that i need, the sense of reassurence the diagnosis gives you, knowing that you are not broken, that there is a reason for all the things that are so hard for you, for the chance that what? that i just force myself and start torturing myself till i’m maybe finally suddenly healed and it turns out it was all just imaginary or had other sources?

there where all this fun little nuggets in that discussion, from my brother finding it weird that i’m so informed about autism (which is supposed to mean i informed myself and am now using that to fake it, i guess?) to my dad saying me finding out i was autistic was a relief to me but it obviously didn’t make me happy in the long run (??? so now i’m clearly looking for a new strategy, transitioning, in hopes that maybe it will stick this time - even though i am not even unhappy but they don’t get that either), to the general ‘oh i have problems with that too, that’s normal’ that is completely missing the point of any chronic condition, and my mother’s ‘but i’ve seen you positively or even confidently interact with other humans before’ that’s just an other version of her ‘but you bought jewellery last month so i thought you were over that whole trans thing’.

i don’t know what the whole point was, for my brother to make that connection, from the talk about being trans to him saying he didn’t believe in my autism diagnosis which started this whole discussion. but somewhere along the line he said that this topic - of them not taking me seriously - obviously made me mad, and that that could be my motivation to want to transition, to show them how much i really mean it, instead of actually wanting to, that i’m in danger of just wanting to prove a point and just not being aware of it.

and i hate this so much, this idea that i’m just not aware of the “real truth”, that i have no control or awareness of what i am doing or experiencing, that i am deceiving myself, willingly or subconsciously. and surely such things might happen, that someone is not aware of their true motivations and regrets doing something when they ‘come to their senses’ or whatever. but at this point they are assuming that is the case with everything i do. they are completely denying that i have any competence or self-awareness, and im not exactly sure why. to me it just sounds like they think i’m weak and lazy, trying to find ways to avoid things, that i just want attention, or maybe that i’m just too dumb to make the right decisions, or i just think it’s cool to pick weird things to identify with. and the whole time, when i tell them they don’t take me or my experiences seriously, they deny that that is their intention. where is the self-reflection there? what else are you doing please tell me. even if you are doing this under the umbrella of ‘just worrying about me’, the message remains: you have no idea what you are doing, but we do, your experiences are wrong, and you choose to see them this way to cover up what the real problem is, and then to avoid dealing with it like a functional human would, cause that would be work. (as if i’m somehow currently not working on my problems) at this point they are just doubting my intellect and my character, and worst of all they think i’m either not aware or in control of my actions in any way.

i don’t know what makes me the most frustrated about this, i feel desperate and absolutely powerless, i just cannot make them understand or believe in me or my words. i hate that they just assume i’m a liar, to myself or them, and there is nothing i can do to change or proof anything, because in the end they would just not take my attempts at that serious, again. i just feel utterly inferior, not at all because i am autistic or trans or asexual, just entirely because my word is apparently worth nothing.

with the trans thing i know, at least, that it is a passing thing, they will see, sooner or later, that i meant it, that i won’t regret anything. the autism thing is a whole other topic. last week i searched for some research papers and articles to send to my parents so they maybe gain a better understanding of what aspergers is, and how it shows itself in women. maybe i will send the articles to my siblings too. if they don’t care enough to look for information themselves, maybe they would read those. my therapist has also offered in the past, that i could bring my family to a session, so we could talk this through and maybe they will believe her, even if they continue to ignore the other professionals that made the diagnosis. i’m just afraid they would just latch onto anything the therapist might say that could in any way be construed as evidence against the diagnosis as definite proof that it is not true, cause thats what they’ve been doing till now, looking at a thing that might not fit, and deciding that’s enough to form an opinion. i will see my therapist this week and will talk to her about it. i’m just emotionally exhausted by this whole topic, i keep trying to find ways to indefinitely explain things, it’s just.. my siblings are very accomplished people, my oldest brother especially, being a chief resident neurosurgeon and all, and if they have come to a conclusion with their rightful confidence in their intellect, i believe it’s going to be hard for little old apparently not-accountable me to prove to them they are wrong, especially if they just want to hold on to the thought of ‘nothing’ being wrong with me for whatever benefit it gives them.

they have no idea the amount of guilt i feel, not functioning properly, noone would choose this as an ‘easy way out’, being lazy or defiant, if there is also a way to just not be like this indefinitely. they also don’t understand how much the diagnosis has helped with this feeling, and with finding a way to excist in society without literally driving myself insane.

#personal #i'm just tired #i wish you could somehow make a person feel what you feel to make them understand?#here take this bit of me #try it on for a day and then tell me again how you don't believe me

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greennightspider · 6 years

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The Cabin in the Snow (Chapter 2)

M’Baku x OC (Akari)

Summary: M’Baku and Akari get stuck in a snowstorm in a cabin during an assignment. What’s a couple of Jabari warriors to do? This fic is based on M’Baku a short time before he became the leader of the Jabari Tribe.

Authors Note: Hunniiiiies I am playing the long game with this one so lemme know if you wanna be tagged or untagged in future chapters I do not mind. But just in case the notification apocalypse is still going ill try and update chapter links to make things easier. :D Enjoy!

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

@readsalot73 @skysynclair19

“Huh?”

“You heard me Akari.” M’Baku moved slowly towards her with strong, deliberate steps. “Undress.”

“Woah woah woah woah.” Akari may have been a little out of it due to the onset of hypothermia, but she hadn’t lost ALL sense. “M’Baku look, you’re great and all but I don’t think this is the right ti-

“Now Akari. I will not ask again.”

Akari gulped at his tone. She decided that despite everything that annoyed her about his everyday demeanour, she actually did like jokester M’Baku better than serious M’Baku. And she would give anything right now for him to crack into his signature smile and say he was kidding.

No such luck.

“M’Baku wait-

“Akari, you look like a chocolate popsicle. And I think you are most likely in the final stages of hypothermia. You need to undress so that we can warm you up, just like we were taught in class.”

Of course M’Baku would remember that class out of all the things they had learned.

Of course all of the boys paid attention when the teacher started talking about how the best way to treat someone with hypothermia is through body heat. Which of course worked best when both people were naked.

Akari distinctly remembered M'Baku hollering the loudest that class. Surrounded by his boys, M'Baku was leaning back in his chair with elbows outstretched towards the desk behind him, almost in a throne-like position. They had all started laughing and howling the signature Jabari growl as the teacher tried to calm them down to no avail. Akari rolled her eyes and glared at him and his posse from her seat in the front corner of the room, while she noted most of the girls who belonged to his fan club giggling and trying not to look eager.

However, there was no sign of that M'Baku now. Right now he looked as straight-faced as ever, his onyx eyes filled with concern and worry. Which meant she probably looked in really bad shape.

Akari relented, slowly standing up and unwrapping the blanket around her. M'Baku outstretched his hand but realized his mistake when Akari drew back and stuttered out “I-Im fine M'Baku I can do it myself.”

For all of her usual strong demeanour, M'Baku couldn’t help this shy bashful Akari peaked his interest. And if things weren’t intriguing enough, M'Baku couldn’t hide his expression….when he saw Akari’s clothes hit the floor.

She was wearing a plain black sports bra and matching boyshorts, however they did nothing but accentuate her already full curves. Her nipples were already peaking through the tight fabric because of the cold, but also because Akari was sporting a full chest that she had usually kept hidden under loose clothing. Her hips flared out into her underwear that sat on her thick thighs, and M'Baku almost swore at the sight of her. He knew he was probably the only guy in their class. Her big brown eyes weren’t helping as they stared at him so innocently, however her chattering teeth and blue lips brought him back to reality.

Reign it in Baku, reign it in.

“Akari, I know you might not like what I’m going to say, but you’re going to have to take your bra off too.”

“What??!”

“Look Akari, body heat is the only way we are going to make sure you don’t end up frozen to death, and your bra is in the way.” he explained, gesturing to her chest. “Its gonna need to come off if I’m going to heat you up properly.”

“Oh don’t worry, you’re doing a fine job of that already.” She snarked.

Wait. What did she just say?

“Huh?” Akari responded, as M'Baku didn’t realise he’d said what he did out loud. But seeing that Akari couldn’t even keep track of the conversation, there was no time for discussion.

“Please Akari just get into the bed and then take your bra off under the covers. I promise I won’t look.” M'Baku pleaded. He couldn’t believe he was actually begging a woman to get into bed with him. One who was half delusional and was still giving him a hard time.

Squinting her eyes at M'Baku and holding her shoulders Akari sauntered towards the bed, almost diving under the covers like a molerat. He watched as she wiggled and squirmed under the covers most ungracefully until finally an arm popped out, holding a bra.

M'Baku took it and placed the soaked fabric beside their clothes that he draped over the benches near the fire. They both only had one set of clothes since this wasn’t supposed to be an overnight mission, therefore they needed to dry their clothes overnight so that they’d at least have something to wear tomorrow.

M'Baku then made his way back to the bed and grabbed the rest of the furs, making sure to spread most of them on her side before diving under the covers himself.

While Akari was doing her utmost best to try and curl herself up under the furs into a shy ball, M'Baku was having none of it. This girl was his partner, and he wasn’t gonna lie and say he didn’t feel guilty about their situation right now. He wasn’t about to let Akari freeze to death just because of a little modesty.

M'Baku slowly shuffled his way towards her so that his stomach grazed her lower back, making her flinch. Slowly but surely he moved his left hand beside her so he was half-towering her, and before Akari could comprehend what was happening he quickly dug into her side, wrapping his arm around her waist and spinning her around. In a shrieking frenzy Akari’s arms unlocked from her chest, but M'Baku took no time in pulling her flush against him so that he couldn’t see anything. And also so that he didn’t have to deal with shy Akari turning into raging Akari.

And Akari would have have struggled if not for the fact that as soon as she touched M'Baku’s skin she realised how cold she actually was. She soon calmed down and to M’Baku’s surprise started to snuggle more into him. When she was finally comfortable M'Bakus left hand was resting on the small of Akari’s lower back, while his right arm cradled her head into himself. Akari had settled on pressing her hands flush against M'Bakus upper body, feeling M’Baku’s heartbeat pulsing into her hand. M'Baku managed to entwine their legs together as he tried to concentrate on warming up the ice cold body in his arms. She was still shivering in his hold which made him instinctively pull her tighter against him, and to his surprise Akari responded by snuggling into him, burying his face into her chest.

For all of M'Bakus level-headedness in this situation, there were some things that M'Baku couldn’t’ve prepared for. He couldn’t’ve predicted how Akari’s hair would entice him, smelling sweetly of coconuts as her bun lay just below his chin. How Akari’s soft supple curves that lay underneath his fingertips were the complete opposite of his hardened arms and torso. Or how as she lay flat against him he could feel her hardened nipples perked from the cold rubbing against his chest, her full breasts squeezed against him between her arms. M'Baku thanked Hanuman that he was too tired and too cold, otherwise right now he would’ve definitely had a boner.

That was until Akari looked up at him with her doe-like eyes and brought him out of his thoughts for the second time that night. “M'Baku?”

“Yes?” M'Baku said as he maneuvered his neck and chin to look down at her, wondering what possible conversation Akari wanted to start now.

“Thank you.”

Okay. NOW M'Baku was sure he had lost Akari to the cold.

Not that he thought Akari was incapable of kindness or being nice. Hell she was one of the nicest people in class on a good day. However he was sure that if she was in her right state of mind, thanking him for getting them lost in the middle of the most important assignment of the winter would not be on her to do list.

“There is really nothing to thank me for.” M’Baku shrugged, a tinge of sadness and guilt staining his last words. “Just get some rest.”

Expecting her to retreat back into his chest, M’Baku almost felt himself freeze over when the girl in his arms drew herself up to his face and softly placed her lips onto his.

He was still in a state of shock when Akari sought to slowly deepen the kiss, softly massaging his bottom lip then top lip with her own. While he was still trying to process what was going on, M’Baku’s instincts took over, his lips returning her ministrations on their own. Her softness beckoned him, inviting him to get lost in her affections until she slowly retreated, almost drawing M’Baku with her as he leaned forward. She met her forehead with his until with a smile she said in a sleepy voice,

“No. Thank you M’Baku. For looking after me.”

M’Baku didn’t know what to say, as he looked into her eyes and saw that even if it was just the hypothermia, Akari had meant every word. He silently watched as she finally returned to her position underneath his collarbone, and made sure to draw up the blankets and furs around her arms where they had slid off from their encounter.

M’Baku didn’t know why, but he hugged her even tighter to his chest as the exhaustion of the trip lulled them both into a deep sleep.

#m'baku fanfic #m'baku fanfiction #m'baku x oc #m'baku #mbaku fanfic #mbaku fanfiction #mbaku x oc #the cabin in the snow #greennightspider #black panther fanfiction #black panther fanfic

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raveneira · 6 years

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KawaSara

Completely off topic of Todays episode but are people really that salty about the KawaSara ship? it’s literally SasuSaku all over again in terms of the arguments used against them

Which btw I still wanna know where are all the SasuSaku fans that apparently support KawaSara because its like SasuSaku [which it isnt in any way shape or form its completely unique in comparison imo] because I have yet to see anyone but anti’s making this claim

And yes Im a SasuSaku shipper and I ship KawaSara but not because I think its anything like SasuSaku because I dont

What I dont get isnt why people dont like the ship because to each their own, what I dont get is the bullshit reasoning on why KawaSara shippers are ‘bad’ or ‘delusional’ or the most common ‘he did nothing but insult her the entire chapter!’

No he did not, here’s what actually happened

For Kawaki’s first time trying Taiyaki Sarada suggests he try the custard one to which Kawaki defiantly chooses chocolate instead, Sarada asks if she could have a bite since she’s never tried the chocolate flavored one and Kawaki refuses because its his and why should he share it with an asshole like her

Kawaki desires freedom and to make his own decisions, Sarada suggested custard but Kawaki wanted to make his own decision and decided on chocolate which Kawaki surprisingly enjoyed, Sarada asks for a bite of HIS snack that HE chose for himself and belongs to him and takes offense to it which shows he probably doesnt get the concept of sharing the same way he wasnt familiar with what a snack was and took it as a sign of her wanting to take from him which makes her an asshole

You could take the Taiyaki as his free will so sharing it with Sarada would be like sharing or giving his free will to her which he doesnt wanna do

Then a kid ran into Kawaki and he reflexively attacked him but was stopped by Naruto, afterwards Sarada went over to the two boys to check on them and apologized for Kawaki’s actions, Sarada is a kind and caring person so naturally, she is angry at Kawaki for his outburst

He calls Sarada an asshole again which he calls everyone, ‘he didnt call Hinata, Himawari or Ino an asshole though!’ yeah and know why? because neither Hinata, Himawari nor Ino gave him a REASON to

Kawaki only addresses people as assholes that he feels is trying to control him, is hostile towards him, or just ticks him off

Hinata barely said two words to him, Himawari also hardly had any interaction with him and Ino was just being extra polite because of the ‘mission’ and had no reason to be hostile towards Kawaki nor him to her

Sarada on the other hand? she’s getting on his case for nearly killing an innocent kid for no reason, Kawaki tells her to shut up and brushes it off as just giving them a taste of the real world, Sarada PERSISTS yelling at him more for using his upbringing [which atm she doesnt know the full story] as an excuse for his behavior, this of course anger’s Kawaki but he doesnt yell at her or lash out and instead asks why she’s even coming along when it has nothing to do with her

Kawaki could have easily yelled at her the way she was at him especially when she played down his upbringing but instead, he just calls her an asshole and asks why she even bothered coming along

My point is Sarada is being hostile towards Kawaki, she’s yelling at him, telling him his actions were wrong when he believes they are justified, saying his upbringing is no excuse for his behavior, Kawaki doesnt like being talked down to and he definitely doesnt like being told what he should and shouldnt do which Sarada was doing and was thus an asshole

Sarada ONCE AGAIN gets on his case, this time for picking a random vase instead of choosing seriously which this time Kawaki does yell at her because again Kawaki does not like being told what to do

He doesnt like being controlled for obvious reasons, Kawaki wants freedom from Jigen and Kara etc and to have free will which is something he wasnt allowed to have so Sarada or anyone else getting on his case about anything triggers a negative reaction from him because he doesn't want to be controlled which he feels Sarada is trying to do by butting in when it has nothing to do with her

The only reason Naruto even gets some respect is because he’s powerful and goes out of his way to be nice to him but he doesnt really like being told what to do by Naruto either but he knows that he has no choice in the matter since he stands no chance of escaping

Kawaki himself is not inherently bad nor does he hate people just for the hell of it, as Naruto said ‘dont you have any sense of sociability?’ to which Kawaki sarcastically replies ‘Hmph...unfortunately it was caused by my bad upbringing’ in reference to what Sarada said earlier

But we see Kawaki does have empathy since he did and does feel bad about breaking the vase and he is going out of his way to make it up to Boruto even though they dont exactly get along Kawaki IS capable of feeling remorse and compassion, he’s just traumatized and doesnt exactly have much experience socially

Bottom line is Kawaki is still very socially inexperienced and is always on edge and on the defensive never knowing when someone’s going to try and hurt him, he has serious trust issues and rightfully so so his treatment of Sarada shouldnt really have been a surprise and even Sarada herself doesnt feed into Kawaki’s insult [the way Boruto does] and just ignores it

If Sarada doesnt care and isnt fazed by the insult why’s the fandom? Sarada’s clearly capable of handling Kawaki, she isnt afraid of him nor does she back down from him and stands her ground

But I love how all the anti’s main argument is about the insult and zero potential when literally this happened after all that

When Sarada see’s Kawaki’s frightened reaction in dropping the vase from his PTSD she realizes Kawaki’s past might be more traumatic then she thought, seeing Naruto hug him and tell him he’s safe here also probably tipped her off to how much Kawaki was really struggling which is when this happened

Sarada tells Kawaki he can rely on her and come to her whenever since she too wants to be Hokage like Naruto is and as Hokage, it is their duty to be there for those in need which in this case is Kawaki

This shows Sarada’s change in attitude towards him from thinking hes just a rude jerk to seeing how frightened he really is, even after Kawaki was rude to her, in the end, she STILL offers to be there for him and to come to her if anything troubles him

Naruto even says that their friends now which Kawaki doesn't deny and just tells Naruto its none of his business ‘shithead’

Funny how he says this to Naruto even after he hugged and comforted him moments ago but its no big deal then right? Im done

I could go on with more panels and go more in-depth with my points but that honestly isnt necessary because the chapter spoke for itself, Kawaki is a very damaged kid with a terrible upbringing and because of it has terrible social skills but isnt a bad person and just wants freedom from those who wish to control and use him

His hostility towards Sarada was reconciled at the end and so was Sarada’s hostility towards him so really the whole ‘he was rude/insulted her!’ or ‘they hate each other!’ or my favorite ‘they have zero potential!’ arguments are all debunked within the chapter

Oh and about the zero potential thing, Sarada mentioning how she’s aiming to be the Hokage too shortly after Naruto hugged and comforted him after his panic attack seems like pretty clear potential to me

She’s basically saying she’s willing to be there for him the way Naruto’s there for him right now which is a pretty good set up for their relationship since Kawaki REALLY needs that support and comfort and most importantly security, if Sarada can offer him that then thats a pretty good start that could build up to something more

But we’re a long ways off from that so I dont even see the big deal yet but apparently anti’s just had to start BS accusing SS shippers of shipping KS because we think its like SasuSaku which I cannot stress enough it ISNT and the only ones who think they ARE is the anti’s themselves so I donno man

All Im sayin is I ship it because I see the potential bond there and I think most of the KS shippers do too, if your anti-KS thats fine but please stop the BS because we all know what its really about

#pro-kawasara #semi rant #im sick of the bs comparison man #KS is NOT SS #they have nothing in common #nothing at all #just stop it #we all know what its really about #projecting their hate for SS onto KS because for some reason THEY SEE the similaritys and thus hate them for it #i have no problem with people who dislike the ship because at first i didnt either #what i have a problem with is the bs reasoning given for why its a bad ship and why shippers are bad for shipping it #Raven-que

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nyabi132-blog · 7 years

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Unique Artist

Okay this is my first ROTG fanfiction, and well it’s not a prompt just something I thought of, and I love winter (even if I can’t go outside and play in the snow). It’s so pretty and I just love it so much.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Rise of the Guardians (not sure if I need this here, but just in case)

Jack has travelled a lot in his 300 years of impromptu isolation. He had the Wind to fly him any place it wanted to take him. He never cared where he went. He just let the Wind take him wherever he needed to go and spread a little snow. It wasn’t like he had any obligations anyway, his schedule was always free. So wherever Jack needed to spread his snowdays, the wind would take him there. He often circled the globe to do his rounds of said snow spreading, routes of which were agreed upon by the other three seasonal spirits.

Despite popular belief, they actually didn’t bother each other much. That isn’t to say they liked each other, but they had a respect for each other's work, because they had similar jobs, and did their seasonal bidding where it made sense. For example, the spirit of summer wouldn’t make it hot in the Himalayas and the spirit of winter wouldn’t make it snow in July, unless it was supposed to snow in certain areas. They wouldn’t get in each other’s way and if they happened to cross paths, they wouldn’t even blink at the other’s direction. Just keep going. It was pointless to fight, they were immortal anyway and they sort of needed one another to flow into the seasons correctly. Plus they all had their own ways of knowing where their magic needed to be spread, weather it be the clouds or the wind. They understood that sometimes their fellow seasonals had reasons for what they did where they did it. They weren’t so gung ho about their seasons that they’d hurt one another for it. So they would accept the rare occasion of snow in mid fall or a bit of heat in December.

Anyway, Jack spread winter and snow all over the world for a very long time. He’s seen almost every place there is to see. From snowy tundras, to deserts. Although he only passes through those at night, he can’t really take too much heat. All the natural landscapes were beautiful. Flowers and sunsets, and the night sky with all the twinkling stars. From silver linings to the sun hitting a glacier or the water or even his ice just right.

Not only that, but he also has seen modern culture develop. People were forever changing, and technology was evolving. As the years progressed, bigger and more modernized buildings and inventions were made. Watching cities be built and people go about their different lives. It’s amazing how none of them ever did the same exact thing everyday and a routine would never once be repeated exactly. There was always something different.

Just like two snowflakes were ever the same.

With so many references there never would be two of the same kind of snowflake. It was impossible for Jack to think of the same thing twice when he thought about one topic it would flurry into a billion things that associated with it.

Jack loved drawing them too, albeit he never had the time to make every little snowflake, just the ones he likes most. He’d draw them in the frost on a window or in a little never ending notebook he kept in his hoodie pocket. He’d never put words to the snowflake, because the drawing was enough. It was unique and it told exactly what or whom it was based off of.

It was also a way to spend the summer months when snow wasn’t often needed or when he just had nothing to do and was bored. He’d draw whatever was on his mind into a snowflake. It was a good way of remaining positive, or at least not brooding about his seemingly sempiternal loneliness.

It became like a habit more than a hobby. As a winter spirit he was supposed to be cold and emotionless. Jack was a bit wayward though. He wasn’t so much cold and emotionless as he was fun and mischievous. But it wasn’t often that he expressed deep emotions with anyone, it was just his nature. But there were tell-tale signs of what he was actually feeling and people who knew him knew what they were. Like when he was bored he’d draw snowflakes.

But no one really knew him.

So when he was at the North Pole with nothing to do, because he’d already pranked the yetis one too many times today, and froze a bit too many elves for Phil’s liking - even though sometimes he was grateful for not having to deal with those delusional imbeciles. He was sent to an area in the globe room as to not disturb anyone and to wait for North.

It was late spring and he didn’t have much to do, and he didn’t want to be in a hot place, so North decided that he should come to the work shop and just relax there for a while. Keyword: decided. Jack really didn’t have a choice.

But the big man was now working on toys leaving Jack to his devices. Which didn’t turn out to be such a good idea, because it left many toys to be broken. Not enough to set the ever busy yetis behind schedule, but enough to have North reinforce punishment. North was not going to act like a parent, though he should, he never did. Jack was 300 years old and capable of taking care of himself, but when it came to his own work, he felt it acceptable to lay down some rules. Even if he secretly did find some pranks funny, if he messed up the work by accident consequences would be reinforced to make sure it didn’t happen again.

He sat at the window sill and absently frosting the window beside him deciding to make another base snowflake. He sketched on the window sill and his frost made it fairly easy to erase and he made multiple angles in different patches of frost. He didn’t know what he was drawing but he’d know once he finished. When he finished a rough sketch on the windowsill, he transferred it to his never ending notebook so he could add details. Every so often trying the designs on the windows first, as to avoid most eraser marks on the paper.

He didn’t get to finish because he felt someone walk into the area he was currently occupying and he turned around. But instead of a large Russian, or fury beast, there was an anthropomorphic rabbit. That threw Jack a bit for a loop, but he guessed it wasn’t unnatural to see the rabbit here. It was a few weeks after Easter, and he could sometimes find the bunny hanging around North’s workshop for insight with his fellow guardian.

“Hey Bunny. What’s up?” Jack greeted casually and letting his notebook slip between him and the windowsill absently.

“I‘m ‘ere on b’half o’ North, ya gumby.” the rabbit said crossing his arms and standing a bit taller.

“ But it’s May. North can’t be busy.” Jack said and cocked his head in a curious jester.

“Do ya know how many toys ya broke, Frostbite?” Bunny continued ignoring Jack. So that’s what this was about. It was really not a big deal. He hadn’t seen the Russian after the incident, but he figured on of his furry helpers told him. Bunny must have been there when he did and when North decided to blow it off like he’d normally do, Bunny didn’t like it. The rabbit always had a way of staying on track, no matter what. North wouldn’t do anything in this situation, but Bunny would.

“As I said it’s May. It doesn’t matter now.” Jack said and nodded his head as if agreeing with himself and started to focus his attention back on his highly detailed snowflake. Though he missed Bunny’s indigent stare.

“That ain’t the problem.” Bunny hopped a few steps forward. He wasn’t even sure that Jack was listening to him. “Ya could’ve set ‘im behind schedule.”

“And if I did, why isn’t he the one telling me off?” Jack asked not looking up from his notebook. Bunny let his ears flatten against his head. Bunny swore he acted more like a 15 year old then a 317 year old.

“But what if it did? ‘e’d ‘ave ta fix the error and couldn’t come ‘ere ta tell ya off.” Bunny reasoned.

“It’s May.” Jack said again but distantly and half heartedly, he’d make this line just right- And just like that his notebook was yanked away by a furry paw.

“Hey!” he said and looked at the irritated bunny, “ I was doing something!” he said and stood up and grabbed his staff that was leaning against the wall and glared at the rabbit.

“Fer ye’re season?” The rabbits asked in a neutral voice.

“Well yeah, sort of.” Jack said like it was obvious. It really wasn’t, but he’s been working on that snowflake for well over an hour dammit. It’s not like it mattered though. No one actually cared what they looked like, it was just him who’d ever know what they truly looked like and represented. Bunny wasn’t ruining anything but his pride. And one and a half hours of drawing.

“Did I mess you up?”

“Yes, you did.”

“Why are ya so mad. It’s only May.” That made Jack stop. Bunny was trying to prove a point. And he did. Jack suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.

“Okay, you proved your point. But I doubt North would want any of my help, I would offer it, but I’d probably make it worse. Then he’d really be behind. And for the record the season could’ve went on without that.” Jack said and Bunny raise a brow and looked at the book. “I mean I don’t need it, but I’m not finished yet so can I have it back.” Jack said rather then asked. He knew bunny would give it back. He wasn’t really paying attention to what the rabbit was doing as he turned back to the window sill.

“Are these snowflakes, Frostbite?” the rabbit asked and Jack swung around seeing Bunny flip through the pages of the incredibly detailed designs. Bunny would be lying if he said he wasn’t impressed, though he wouldn’t admit to any kind of talent, beside freezing stuff, the kid had. The detail in each one was insane. He looked up and the frost teen shrugged.

“I got bored.” the rabbit looked at him more which made him slightly uncomfortable. “It’s really nothing.” Then the rabbit spotted the planning in frost behind the winter spirit. In the temperatures at the North pole it wasn’t unbelievable that the frost stayed longer than usual.

“Fer nothing, it sure took a ton o’ planning, mate.” Bunny said matter of factly gesturing his head to the frost pictures behind him.

“I just didn’t want to get smudges on the paper.” Jack said because it was the truth. His lack of urgency made it easy to believe. Still deep down he was embarrassed someone had seen his private collection of ‘special snowflakes’.

“These are pretty detailed too. Must’ve taken some effort.” the rabbit raised a brow. It was pretty interesting, Jack’s comebacks weren’t as snarky as before. He wanted to see where this went.

Jack only shrugged “Not really. They aren’t really anything like yours or Norths.” Then Jack laughed a little, but there was no bitterness to it, or maybe a little. “Heck, no one even seems to care how they look.” There was some silence between the two for a bit then.

“North would take ya.” Bunny said, and it through Jack for a loop.

“Huh?” was all he could answer with a surprised and curious blick.

“North would like ye’re designs, mate.” Bunny rephrased “So do I.” he smirked at the shocked and disbelieving stare the frost teen was giving him. It was priceless seeing the usually carefree but guarded face so not.

“Wha- You don’t- it’s not-” If Bunny wasn’t getting a kick out of this before he sure was now. See the gracefully smug winter spirit trip over his words was a sight, and a funny one to someone who had a relationship with him like Bunny. He started to laugh and clutching his stomach.

“Wha? Bunny stop laughing! That was a joke right?” Bunny’s laughing died a bit after a while. He looked at the frost teen who had his eyes cast to the side. “You and North… wouldn’t really..?” He mumbled off the rest, but Bunny knew where it was going. In the three years he’s known the winter spirit - and like really known him - he could tell when a few things were off. But Bunny wasn’t much of a comforter, that wasn’t his type. So he tapped his foot twice and a rabbit hole opened beneath Jack and the unsuspecting teen fell through, he heard the indigent gasp and rolled his eyes with a smirk Bunny let himself fall through too.

When they emerged through the hole into the warren Jack seemed to have caught his balance again and gracefully landed on his staff balancing on the hook part.

“What was that for kangaroo?” Jack asked looking at the rabbit who just grabbed him by the hood and ignored the protests and threats of being frozen. He was finally placed down near the paintriver under a shady tree and there were paint brushes in a jar with some paints around it.

“What the heck! Why are we here?” Jack said head and eyes following the rabbit from his place on the grass as he sat next to him and Jack continued to glare at him.

“Would’ja quit complain’en, Frostbite.” the anthropomorphic rabbit said irritably and Jack promptly shut up. Bunny looked around for a second and picked up an egg. As he turned around Jack looked at him with an unamused look, which grew curious when the egg was placed in his hand. He looked back up at Bunny. “The paint brushes ‘re there an’ ys can use the paint river fer the colours you need and ya can mix it ‘ere.” The rabbit put a pallet in his hand that wasn’t holding the egg and pointed to the other materials and then sat down and picked up his own egg to start painting.

Jack’s face turned back to the unamused look and waited for Bunny to look up again.

“Somethin’ wrong, mate?” Bunny looked confused and raised a brow at the frost teen.

“Why are we here? What is this?” Jack said trying to keep his voice down which he had success in but the place where he was sitting was starting to frost over and it expanded.

“Snowflake, ye’re frosting the grass.” Bunny felt the need to point out and smirk.

“Okay, I’m upset. But you threw me down a hole and gave me a pallet and an egg with no context!” He didn’t like telling Bunny his emotions but there was no other way for the rabbit to know. It might’ve not been a big deal, but Jack didn’t like people knowing when he was upset when it actually mattered, because when it mattered the most it would just make others pity him and be upset that they wouldn’t know how to fix it. When it was trivial matters like this, he didn’t mind. He liked to think this was the worst of his problems, but it wasn’t and they both knew that. But they’d pretend for as long as they could.

“There ain’t no context needed, Snowflake.” Bunny smirked and went back to his egg. “Jus’ paint an egg.” Bunny paused to think for a second “Fer North.” he added

“North’s not upset.” Jack groaned.

“Okay, fer me.” Bunny said not looking up from his egg.

“Why would you be upset?” Jack asked irritably.

“Why does someone ‘ave to be upset fer ya ta do yer told?” if you listened closely you could hear the hint of exasperation.

“They don’t I just don’t see the point in this.” Jack mumbled. But they both knew the real reason, or at least Bunny did. Jack didn’t want anyone to be upset. He was the guardian of fun so obviously if no one was upset or sad he didn’t have anything to work with. Bunny understood that.

“‘kay, I’m upset yer talent’s ‘re wastin’ away in tha’ notebook no one’s gonna see.” Bunny said and Jack looked away a little and Bunny sighed. “Jus’ paint an egg.”

“Just one egg?”

“Yeah, jus’ one.” Bunny agreed. And Jack picked up the paintbrush and started to paint. He decided to draw all the snowflakes that came to mind. Not anything special just to get it over with. He ambraid the background in blues, getting lighter as it went up and then in a darker blue and medium blue and white he painted snowflakes and as the background got lighter the snowflakes got small until about halfway up the egg they completely disappeared. They were fairly simple snowflakes, ones he could draw in seconds but none of them looked the same.

“There.” he showed the egg to the Easter Bunny himself and he smiled a little.

“Not bad, Frostbite.” Bunny smirked.

“Well, I told you I wasn’t good. It’s on you that you wasted one of your eggs.” Jack justified before he could be accused.

“I said they were good.” Bunny said with a bit of amusment.

“You said they weren’t bad.” Jack shot back.

“Which means they were good.”

“No.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“No it’s not.”

Bunny rolled his eyes. “Listen, ye’re good at this.” Bunny got up and walked over to Jack and knelt beside him. “And people may not see ye’re snowflakes, but they aren’t any less pretty, Frostbite.” He handed back the notebook he’d taken earlier and went back to his spot. “Ye’re allowed ta stay and paint more.” Bunny said not looking at Jack and grabbing the egg he was working on instead.

And Jack did stay.

So yeah that’s that! Snowflakes are really really detailed and they are so small. People don’t appreciate how different they are, and in that sense snowflakes are just like people, and that’s cheesy because we’re all different. But also snowflakes are like everyday, that’s confusing but like think about it. Everyday you do something different, even if it’s a routine, something is always different. So each day is like a snowflake. Unique.

#rise of the guardians #rotg #snowflake #jack frost #bunnymund #north #phil

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deuce-duce · 4 years

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Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

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mochimim · 7 years

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Spotlight

Genre: Fluff, ANGST, Celebrity! AU

Word count: 7.7k (my longest oneshot ever !!)

Pairing: Jimin x reader

Summary: The perfect guy, the imperfect celebrity

Warnings: Triggering topics - panic attack, thoughts of suicide

A/N: HELLO GUYS IM BACK WITH MY FIRST FIC IN QUITE A WHILE im so sorry tumblr deleted the post before this i haTE but it’s back so whooo !! this story is actually somewhat based on a personal experience, so I included a lot of personal thoughts and insights to try to make this better HAHAHAH but i hope yall like it !! i put in a lot of effort trying to write this fic and many BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS were shed but im finally done !! i really hold this story v close to myself because i actually felt all these things and i was a little delusional like the y/n in this fic !! please tell me how it was by dropping an ask into my inbox, both compliments and constructive criticism is good !! anyway besides this fic, im not yet done with dead leaves soRRY but feel free to leave me a request for the ending of chapter 7 (2nd last chapter !!) so drop me that asK ANYWAY IM RAMBLING AGAIN I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS FIC BYEEEEEE

"Miss, your interview is in less than 5 hours, are you sure that you want to be seen on national television with dog fur all over yourself?" Seulgi wrinkled her nose at me in disgust.

"Shut up Seulgi, I still have so much time," I flopped on my bed with my puppy on my chest. "And don't call me 'miss', I'm your younger sister. Don't be weird."

"You are the one who needs to shut up." She scoffed at me, but quickly started giggling and I joined in as well.

"No, but really, your stylist is waiting for you. What's his again? The cute one? Seok-min?" I let a small chuckle escape from my lips at her confusion.

"Seokjin," I got up and placed my puppy on the ground. "And take him. He's all yours." I cackled before sprinting out of my room, listening to her frustrated and embarrassed protests in glee.

"I will bet my entire career that you and Seulgi will get together by the end of this year." I mumbled to Seokjin as he handed me my outfit. He made a weird noise, probably thinking about the possibility.

"Yeah sure, I can hook it up." He said nonchalantly. I choked on my breath in utter horror and shock, I didn't think he would take me so seriously.

"Why are you making me wear something so pretty today?" I asked him as I got changed behind a curtain.

"What do you mean by 'pretty'? You look pretty every day." He said matter-of-factly, and I couldn't help but blush a little at his words.

"I'm not used to this. I can't rock dresses, full stop. I only look decent in a shirt and shorts." I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror one last time before walking out to sit down in the makeup chair. "Where am I going later, anyway?"

"You're an Academy Award winner, a Grammy winner, and you still don't know where you're going after this. Unbelievable." He called the makeup girl over and crossed his arms. I furrowed my brows, wondering how he linked the three things together.

"You're going on national television, stupid. You're going to be interviewed by Park Jimin!" He exclaimed and threw his hands into the air, almost hitting the makeup girl in the face.

"Who?"

He gave a little gasp at my obliviousness. "Do you not watch the evening news? He's the presenter after that. He does all the celebrity news, he interviews them on radio as well. He's like Korea's very own Ryan Seacrest! Only more beautiful and younger, and did I mention beautiful?"

"Uh, so, does this give me a reason to re-dye my hair?" I murmured as the makeup girl put some bright red lipstick on me, not really caring about whoever Park Jimin was.

"You've already done your makeup, silly. You wouldn't want to ruin her masterpiece, would you?" He said, posing more of a statement than a question. "Thank you Irene." He tapped her on her back as she scuttled away in fear.

"I don't think her name is Irene," I squinted my eyes at my reflection in the mirror.

"Whatever, you're almost ready. Time for hair, time for me to do my magic." He whipped a comb out of the pocket of his pants. "We have no time for re-dying of hair. And I think that this pink hair suits you. Also, don't worry about the interview with Park Jimin later. It will be a walk in the ‘Park’!" I groaned at his very lame joke and he chuckled softly.

I tugged at the hem of my dress, trying to pull it lower.

"Seulgi, why do you look so nervous? I'm the one going out there." I asked her as she bit her neatly manicured nails.

"Look, I'm just worried for you, don't mess this up for m- for yourself, okay? Also, I'm going to be in the same room as Pa-"

Heads were turned as a man walked into the room. He looked confident and cool. He was very handsome, with a charm that seemed to go around the room. His cotton candy coloured hair looked like it took hours to style, his makeup flawless. He wore a suit that looked a little too tight, but it accentuated his muscular arms, so I wasn't complaining.

"Park Jimin-"

Stop being so shallow, maybe he's a dick.

And suddenly, I was being pushed into the set. And right into Park Jimin's arms.

"Cut!"

I heard someone yell, and I swear I heard the entire studio sigh in unison. I didn't realise that I was in the Park Jimin's arms until he pulled me up, and I dusted off my dress.

"Sorry." I bowed to him and ran off to the standby area.

"Could we do that walk in part again? Come in less violently, thanks." The mysterious voice ordered me, and I nodded at the instructions.

After coming out less violently, the rest of the interview went fairly well. I didn’t mention any embarrassing things that could expose me, but I did comment on our similar hair colours, which was enough awkward for one day.

“Hey, we have the same hair!” I blurted out just before he could ask me a question. He tilted his head and was silent for a moment, but quickly caught on and smiled at me. I stretched my hand out for a high-five, hoping that he wouldn’t leave me hanging, and he didn’t. He flashed me the brightest smile I’ve seen in a while and gave me a high-five.

“He has the most gorgeous smile. His eyes smile along with him, did you know? He literally radiated happiness, Seulgi! I can’t believe it!” I exclaimed to my sister as we were leaving the venue, but quickly stopped myself from getting too hysterical over someone I just met.

“He really is a charmer. I got the chills just standing next to him.” Seulgi smiled to herself, quite pleased that she was able to stand next to him, and then I realised all the hype over him. I was going to start watching the celebrity news show from now on. I was going to b-

“Wait!”

I felt someone tap on my back and I turned around.

To be face to face with Park Jimin.

My bodyguard was going to push him away when I stopped him. Jimin looked out-of-breath.

“S-sorry for disturbing y-you. But, w-would you like to g-go out for lunch tomorrow? For w-work purposes, of course.” He asked as he caught his breath. I looked at his panting form, and my heart doubled in size.

Stop thinking of those things.

“YES!” I yelled, startling both him and Seulgi, making them jump a little.

“But miss, tomorrow you have t-”

“Cancel it!” I beamed at the glowing boy in front of me while trying to wave away my sister.

“Uh, we can go another time if you’re bu-” He blushed a little, scratching the back of his head. My eyes widened and I immediately waved my hands frantically.

“No, no! It’s okay, tomorrow is fine. I’m sure it isn’t important.” I smiled at him again, and he reciprocated the happiness.

“Okay! Could I get your number?” He handed me his phone and I willingly took it from him, not minding that it had a bright pink phone case. I punched my numbers in and handed it back to him eagerly.

“Thanks! I’ll text you later. See you tomorrow!” He bowed to me and walked back into the studio. By then, I felt like I was going to explode.

“You know, you’re supposed to meet your father tomorrow. Are you sure you want to cancel?” Seulgi asked me cautiously. I stopped in my tracks, thinking of him.

Did l really have to choose between my father and Park Jimin?

“Cancel the lunch appointment.” I sighed after a long time of just standing there. My sister made a sound of disapproval, but I ignored her and walked back to the car.

Park Jimin.

I went to Google him when I got home.

Actor, Presenter, Singer, Dancer

He seems really cool.

His fans love him because of his bubbly personality and kind words.

Seems legit.

Was in a band called BTS and was internationally known. However, the band disbanded due to unknown reasons. Whether the members are still close is still unknown.

He was in a band? That’s so hot.

Are you sure you want to read Park Jimin fanfic?

I’ve never been more sure in my life.

But, before I could click “yes”, my phone buzzed in my pocket. My gasped and snatched the phone out a little too excitedly to be greeted with Jimin’s text message.

Jimin: hello! This is y/n right? It’s Park Jimin. Are you able to meet at the dog cafe in Gangnam tomorrow at 1? xx

I am literally going to cry.

“Yes!” I screamed at my phone and threw it onto my bed. I pumped my fists into the air in joy and threw myself onto my bed as well. “He texted me!”

The next hour was just me doing some intensive research on Jimin for ‘work purposes’, or at least that’s what I told my sister, until I realised that he didn’t text me back. I picked my phone off the bed and read the message again. And then, it dawned on me.

I was the one who didn’t text him back.

I cried out in horror and quickly typed out a short message to reply him and not seem rude.

Me: hello Jimin! Yep tmr at 1 is gud HAHAHAHA c u !!!!

Too informal?

Me: hello Jimin. Tomorrow at 1pm at the dog cafe will be splendid. Thank you for your time.

Too formal?

Me: hello Jimin! Yeah tomorrow at 1 will be good! Thanks and see you there!

I guess that will do.

And I pressed send, waiting for him to reply like I expected him to send me a message at the exact same moment I sent him one.

[read at 6:45pm]

Oh, okay then. I’ll see him tomorrow anyway.

And I spent the rest of my evening thinking about him.

“So, is my dear y/n going on a date now?” Seokjin teased me as I looked for a dress.

“I think you’re a little too nosy today. Why are you peeking into my personal life? And I’m hanging out with a friend.” I shook my head. “Do you have an outfit for me to wear today? His- I mean their favourite colour is blue, so I want to wear blue.”

“So, you just diss me, and expect me to help you to impress some trick shot guy that might break your heart?” He crossed his arms.

“Ugh, okay then. There isn’t any, so I’m just gonna take this weird purple dress.” I sighed, in hopes of winning him over using reverse psychology.

“There are jeans in the bottom right drawer. And there are nice shirts somewhere in the top shelf I think.” Seokjin whispered to me, as if he didn’t want to get caught trying to help me. I giggled at him and went to search for the clothes. I picked out a simple white shirt and ripped jeans.

“Thank you, and sorry for the trouble.” I did a half-bow to him, actually relieved that he was here to help me. A small smile danced on his lips and I took it as a “you’re welcome” and walked out to get changed.

“Jimin! Hello!” I exclaimed as I got out of the car and saw him standing outside the cafe. He looked stunning as hell, with a long sleeved white sweater and black jeans that hugged his legs that were much prettier than my own, completed with a green beanie on his head.

“Oh, hello y/n. Are you ready to go in?” He flashed me his signature smile, and I was at a loss for words yet again. All I could muster was a slight nod, and he took my hand and led me into the cafe.

Park. Jimin. Is. Holding. My. Hand.

As we entered the place, we were greeted by at least a million puppies, nipping and yapping at our feet. Or at least I was. The dogs didn’t go near Jimin, strangely enough. I squealed at the cute puppies and picked some up to cuddle. Jimin tried picking one up, but it kind of growled at him, so he playfully growled back at it, making me giggle.

Many people in the cafe stared at Jimin and I, and I wasn’t sure whether it was because of Jimin’s good looks, his fame, my actor status or the fact that we were together. BUt it didn’t really bother me, I was just happy that I was with him at that moment.

With a puppy snoring on my lap and Jimin holding my hand in his, it was bliss.

“This one’s name is Bubbles, Jimin. He’s super cute, look at his face!” I whispered to him, afraid to wake the sleeping pup. He nodded fondly and peered at the dog’s face.

“He actually looks like my friend’s dog. I like him.” He nodded in approval and I smiled at him.

“I wonder why the puppies aren’t coming to you. Maybe I should trust them.” I jokingly said with a small wink. He chuckled at my teasing words and picked a dog up.

“What secret do you know about me? Huh?” He lowered his voice, trying to seem manly. But, the dog squirmed in his hands, so he put it down and it scuttled away.

“So, you’re an actress right? I’ve seen you in some dramas. You’re really good.” He murmured to me, and I swear I’ve never blushed so hard.

“Uh, i’m not very good. I just get casted in things for publicity, I guess.” I looked away from him in shame, not really wanting to talk about my career. “But how about you, Mr. actor-slash-singer-slash-presenter-slash-dancer? You’re multi-talented. That’s really cool.”

“I’m not that talented, come on. You’re-” he laughed at me, but was interrupted by a girl tapping on his shoulder. The girl looked about 15, with plaited hair and braces, and she held a notebook with Jimin’s face on it.

“Oppa-ya, could you sign this for me please?” She tilted her head to the side, making me want to laugh at her cute attempt of winning him over. He stared at the girl for a little while, and then magically whipped a pen out of thin air and signed her book. The girl was obviously really happy, as she squealed with joy when he handed the book back to her, and she went away skipping.

“I think that we should leave here and we can go to my house to chill out. It’s about a five minute walk from here. What do you say?” He suggested, and I willingly nodded, reluctantly carrying the sleeping puppy on my lap to his bed, and we left.

“Today’s weather is really nice, don’t you think?” I said it mostly to myself, but he hummed in response. I felt his hand brush against mine, and I laced my fingers in his. My cheeks were burning, but I could blame that on the weather.

And there we were, walking down Gangnam Street, ignoring all the surprised netizens and flashing of cameras. His expression looked a little strained, and I felt like mine was too, but when I looked at him all my worries melted away like ice cream on a hot summer day. He looked so beautiful in the bright sunlight, contrary to the sharp wind that tangled my hair and made me look like I was going very red.

We walked all the way until we reached a very tall, very modern building, and into a lift that took us to the penthouse. Once I stepped into his apartment, my mouth hung open. I couldn’t think straight looking at all that expensive looking furniture, and the five other beautiful men sitting on a couch that looked like it was bought with all the money I had earned.

“Ah, there they are! I’d like to meet my friends.” He squeezed my hand, and I had never been more glad that his seater covered his hands, because my hands were sweating.

It’s only been one date, and he’s introducing his friends to me now? This is going a little too fast, but I shouldn’t say anything.

“Guys, this is y/n. Remember her from that drama Temptation? Yeah, she was playing the young Park Jiwoo.” He asked the five men, and all of them sat up and nodded their heads.

“Y/n, the one in blue is Namjoon-hyung, the one in black is Yoongi-hyung, the one in green is Hoseok-hyung, the one in white is Jungkook and the other one in black is Taehyung.” He introduced, and I gave a polite bow to all of them. They all nodded to me, besides Taehyung and Jungkook who gave me an enthusiastic “hello!” each.

“I’m so sorry, I actually have to leave for a little bit, I have to settle some stuff with the producer of my evening show. I’ll only be gone for two hours at most. Would you like to stay here, or do you want me to take you home right now?” He said, not looking up from his phone.

“Um, I think I can stay here and wait for you,” I beamed at him, and he looked up at me and beamed back.

“Great! Guys, please treat her well and don’t scare her away.” He turned on his heels and came dangerously close to my face. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” He whispered to me, and his lips brushed my cheek. I felt a tingle run down my spine and I nodded furiously. And he smirked and left.

I stood awkwardly at the entrance of the apartment, facing the five guys. They gave me a small nod, and gestured for me to sit with them. I gulped and moved my wooden legs to sit on the comfiest couch i’ve ever sat on.

“So, y/n, how old are you? Are you a 95 liner like Jiminie?” The one in blue asked me. Namjoon, was it?

“Uh, I-i’m a 95 liner, yeah.” I stuttered, trying to hide my increasing nerves.

“Don’t be nervous, we don’t bite,” Hoseok chuckled, and I felt the need to smile along.

“So, are you and hyung going to get married? I like you, you seem really nice!” Jungkook blurted out, earning him a light smack on his arm by one of his hyungs.

“Um,” I coughed, expressing my nervousness. “We’ve only been on one date, so I don’t so as of now.”

“I think you guys are making her nervous, you guys should go now.” Yoongi told the rest in a monotonous voice. They all grumbled, but did as he said, and I said my silent thanks to Yoongi for helping me. He stayed on the couch, though, but I didn’t really mind.

“I’m Yoongi, if you forgot.” I nodded at him, confident that his name was the easiest to remember. “You don’t need to call me Oppa, if that was what you were thinking.” He clarified, and even though I wasn’t thinking about that, I nodded along.

After that awkward first words, we started talking. About our likes, dislikes, favourite things and least favourite things. He was surprisingly easy to talk to, and surprisingly relatable as well. We had many things in common, and we mostly talked about music. He liked rap and hip hop, so did I. I even let him listen to some of my songs that I had recorded for fun, and he gave me a stamp of approval.

“Wow, should I be honoured that THE Min Yoongi gave me a thumbs up on my joke song?” I giggled, and he flashed me a gummy smile that I never thought that I would ever see.

“Yes, yes you should.”

But, before I could show Yoongi my other joke song, Jimin came in from the lift and sat beside me.

“You seem really comfortable here, that’s a good sign. Would you like to stay for dinner? I think Jungkook is cooking glazed sweet potatoes, and it’s really an interesting experience to eat that.” He asked me, looking at me with those gorgeous eyes and I immediately nodded without thinking.

“Great, I’ll be in the kitchen for a bit. I’ll be back.” His hand lingered on my arm a little too long, and I felt my blush creeping up to my cheeks again. Yoongi had also gotten up to go to the bathroom, so I was alone in the living room.

I took my phone out to check the time, when I saw the twenty-one missed calls and fifteen messages Seulgi had sent me. I sighed and rubbed my temples, worrying that Seulgi was going to overworry. I called her back and held my breath, preparing myself for a big scolding from her. She was working for me, but I was still her younger sister.

“Unnie?” I whispered into the phone, and I heard her cry out in frustration.

“First, you don’t answer my calls, and now you’re suddenly calling me unnie? I was so worried for you! You just ignored my calls, and I had to do everything myself! Where are you right now? I’ll send someone to pick you up.”

“Seulgi, please. I’m fine. I’m at Jimin’s house, it’s fine! But, can I stay for dinner? Please, they asked and I already said yes.” I pleaded into the phone, not caring that Jimin had entered the room and sat on the space next to me.

“You have so much to do tonight, what are you doing being at his house for so long? You have to send emails to-”

“Yay, thanks Seulgi! I love you very much! I’ll be home before ten and I’ll have plenty of time to finish up my work thank you! See you, I love you!” I dragged out my last word before hanging up on her and exhaling very loudly. Jimin pet my head, and I instinctively leaned towards him and lay my head on his shoulder.

“Ewww~ You guys have only been on one date, and you’re already so lovey-dovey.” Jungkook came into the room wearing an apron that said “kiss the kook” and a very disgusted expression. I was going to comment on the younger’s cute words, but Jimin beat me to it.

“Date? What date?”

I felt my heart break into two.

He said it with such confusion, that I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not.

Jungkook’s eyes widened, making him look more like a child. He blinked at us awkwardly for a moment, but quickly came to his senses. “Dinner is ready, y’all can come now.”

Jimin got up and pulled me to my feet, and we made our way to the dining room together, but I suddenly lost all appetite.

He didn’t see today as a date? Then what did he think it was?

But, I pushed all my negative thoughts aside to be replaced by the glorious food in front of me. Not only could he ‘kook’, he could also cook.

We spent dinner talking about everything we could think of, and trying to pry the sweet potatoes off the plate. It was Jungkook’s special dish when everyone was sad or during a happy occasion, they told me, and I smiled at them.

After that day, Jimin and I became closer and closer. I ignored his words that hurt me before, and I tried to move on.

Maybe he just was trying to protect his dignity.

He texted a lot, and we called and video called a lot as well. We talked about everything, from good things to bad things, but we were never at a lost for words. We never got bored while talking, nor did we run out of things to say. Conversation flowed really well, and sometimes I felt myself wondering why I had ever doubted him for being a dick.

I talked a lot to Yoongi, as well. He was someone I could talk to comfortably without it getting too awkward. Our similar taste in music usually took the wheel in our conversations, we recommended music to each other and that strengthened our friendship.

Jimin and I went on a few more ‘dates’, or whatever he thought they were. We went out to eat, I went to his house to watch a romantic movie, we went shopping together, and many more things that I really cherished.

There were too many news articles about us to ignore, but Jimin didn’t seem to be bothered.

“It’s going to die out soon if we don’t address it, it’ll be okay.” He flashed that award-winning eye smile again, winning me over in a snap of a finger.

The news articles didn’t bother me, though. It was the number of news articles surrounded around our “pending relationship”. All of them said the same thing, all talking about how people saw us around together, holding hands and asking if the fans thought we would be a good couple or not. Most of the comments said we would be the cutest celebrity couple, and I didn’t deny them.

We were busy, I had a new drama that I was working on and he had his presenting career, but we made it work. We carved out time in between shoots to see each other, and even if we couldn’t see each other in person, we would call or text.

And every day, I fell more and more in love with him.

I couldn’t help it, it just happened. It hit me one day out of the blue. I didn’t just like him, I loved him. He brought so much happiness into my life, and introduced me to so many people that I wouldn’t ever trade for the world. I felt like if I ever let him go, all these things would suddenly disappear from my life, leaving me stranded in my own pit of loneliness and self-pity.

I also clung onto the hope that he would love me back.

Even when everything came crashing down.

So, I was close to two people in his friend group, Taehyung and Yoongi, and I really trusted the both of them. So, I told them my secret.

“I think i’m in love with Jimin.”

Taehyung spat his drink out onto the coffee table in front of him.

“Huh? What do you mean? You love Jimin? Are you sure this isn’t infatuation?” He spluttered out, probably very shocked at my sudden confession. Yoongi held his cam and cool exterior, so i didn’t really know what he was thinking at the moment.

“I don’t think it’s infatuation. Every time I go near him, or think of him, or talk to him, my heart begins to flutter. It’s not under my control, if I could I would definitely not want to feel like this, but I do. When we talk, I get excited over small things. I can feel it in my bones, Tae. have you ever felt this way about a woman?”

“Not about a woman,” he blushed and turned to face the back.

“Y/n-ah. Congrats on finding love and everything, but here’s the thing: do you want a relationship with him? Otherwise, all this is irrelevant.” He bluntly stated, making Taehyung shift in his seat and making me feel a little uneasy.

He had put it harshly, but he was right. So what if I found love but didn’t want a relationship? Did I really want to spend a long time, possibly the rest of my life, with this man?

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Okay, then good for you.” Yoongi curtly nodded and went back to scrolling through his phone. Taehyung seemed a little off, but quickly whipped out his phone and started scrolling too.

Was it so wrong that I loved him?

Me: Jimin-ah!I have about 2 hrs before our next shoot tgt! Would you like to come over or I can go over as well :^)

Jimin ❤️: busy.

Me: We can go to the venue together :^)

Jimin ❤️: can’t. sorry.

And that’s when it all came crashing down.

He hadn’t been like this before, why was he acting so cold towards me all of a sudden? Oh, cmon y/n, it’s just a text message, maybe he’s in a meeting. You’ll see him during filming.

And I did see him during filming, but he didn’t see me.

“Jimin!” I called out to him and waved. He looked back, but looked away just as fast. His pace quickened as he disappeared into his changing room. I was left there, hurt and very confused.

Our characters did not have much interaction except for one scene. And we were going to film that one scene that day. It was a comedy drama about two colleagues fighting for the head position but end up falling in love later in the story. He was playing the boy’s overprotective friend, who causes a lot of problems later in the story, but is checking the girl out to see if she is “worthy enough” to date his friend.

“Ya, are you the idiot who is dating my best friend?” He coughed into his fist, already fully into the character.

“Are you using informal language with me? We don’t even know each other.” I snapped back, wavering a little under his strong gaze.

“Ya, listen up, I’ve heard that I’m older than you. So back off.” He squinted at me.

“Look, I don’t even know you. I’m just here t-”

“You know, you’re really pretty. Easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Jimin winked at me, and I desperately searched for any signs of genuinity in what he just said. After his character had said that line, my character was supposed to throw her cup at him, but I was too busy ‘looking for love’ that I totally forgot what to do and screwed the scene up.

When the director yelled cut and we returned to our original positions, I thought I saw him roll his eyes, but I chose to ignore it.

We did the scene one more time, and we wrapped it up perfectly.

“Hey, Jimin, you were really good!” I tapped him on the shoulder and smiled at him. The corners of his lips turned up a little, and I took this as a good sign.

“You too.” He nodded at me and walked away.

Well, it could have been worse. He could have totally ignored me, but he didn’t. Does this mean that he likes me, just a little?

I spent the rest of my day smiling and thinking of him.

But as we got further and further into the filming, he ignored me more and more, and interacted with me only when it was necessary. We stopped texting regularly, and he stopped asking me out to hang. We kind of just stopped everything we had.

But, I still prayed and hoped that he had some feelings for me, because I sure did have feelings for him.

I started hanging out with Yoongi more than him, and we would just sit and talk about anything and everything under the sun. But, I needed to ask him about Jimin.

“Yoongi-ah, do you think Jimin thinks that I like him? Is that why he’s acting so strange?”

“Oh, he knows that you like him.”

What?

“What? Who told him?” I yelled, running over to his side. “Oh my god, I can’t fucking breathe. I’m going to faint.” I started hyperventilating and everything looked a little blurry.

“I think it would be best if you didn’t faint on me,” he said with a serious tone, but I could tell that he was a little worried. “I heard Jungkook talking about it to Hoseok, that Jimin knows that you like him. I didn’t tell him, if you’re wondering. And I don’t think Taehyung did either. Besides, I don’t think he’s acting strange on purpose. I’ve known Jimin for eight years now, he’s a genuine dude. He wouldn’t hurt someone intentionally. He’s just a little oblivious.”

“Do you think that he will forget about this?” I looked up at Yoongi with tears ready to spill out at any negative response Yoongi was forming in his head.

“I honestly think that he will. It might take a while, but he’ll eventually forget it and everything will go back to normal. Jimin doesn’t hold grudges easily, and I think that he’ll understand later on. But we will save that story for a time when we’re all old. You can still have feelings for him, nobody’s going to stop you. And you know, maybe he’ll like you back, but I can’t decide that for him. You just have to be patient and see what happens.” He reassured me, holding my chin up to face him as my warm tears glided down my cheeks in silence. “But for now, let’s go get some ice cream to calm you down a little. And let’s bring Seulgi along, I think she feels a little left out sometimes.” He stood up, and pulled me to my feet. He draped an arm around my shoulder and I buried my face into his shoulder.

“Thanks Yoongi.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

With Yoongi’s blessing, I continued to harbour feelings for Jimin. Seeing as I saw him almost every other day, I thought about him a lot. As I saw him acting, I thought about how he was so talented. His character was basically the comic relief, he made me laugh until my sides hurt. He never failed to make my day, and I hoped that my scenes made his day as well.

I would try to initiate conversation and we would occasionally have a short conversation about anything we wanted to talk about. I was really happy when he replied to my messages, I sometimes would screenshot our messages and show them to Seulgi so she could fangirl over the fact that I was friends with her celebrity crush.

“Y/n, can I be super honest?” She asked me once while looking at our messages. I was sitting on the couch, eagerly waiting for her reaction.

“Yeah, sure.”

“He seems like he’s replying with very little effort. You see, you typed such a long message here, and all he replied you with was a ‘cool’. I think you’re putting in too much effort into this, little sis. You might want to back down a little, give the dude some space for a bit and try again.” She sighed, and I felt a little bit of anger boiling up inside of me, not sure whether it was because of her blunt words, or the fact that I had suspected it as well.

“Seulgi, I don’t think you should butt into things like this anymore.” I murmured, taking my phone from her and slinking back to my room, locking the door behind me. I flopped onto my bed and had a long, silent cry.

I could sense that he wasn’t really putting in much effort, but he replied me. He could have ignored me.

As the months passed by, my love for him grew stronger, he pushed me away more and more, until we stopped talking altogether. I didn’t really like the distance between us, even if we saw each other regularly, and I kind of slipped into a slump. I was constantly lethargic, I had massive headaches and I felt a little numb to all emotions. Sometimes, I would lie on my bed, body ridden with insomnia, thinking about him, about us. What we were. But sometimes, I cried myself to sleep, as dramatic as that sounds.

My heart ached for him, I felt empty without him, and when I was with him, I felt heartbroken. I didn’t know how or what to feel. There were a few thoughts of self-harm running through my mind, and I did attempt to do it, but when I picked up the blunt butter knife, I couldn’t hurt myself. There was something in me screaming that it was a bad idea, and I would just end up sitting on the ground, unharmed on the outside but broken on the inside. I mentioned these things to Yoongi, and he was very supportive even though he didn’t quite understand.

“Yoongi, I feel really bad right now. Is this normal?”

“Y/n-ah. You shouldn’t feel bad. Like I told you, I’m very sure that Jimin doesn’t know that he’s hurting you. I won’t tell him so you won’t be ashamed, but I don’t think that this is something you want to keep up with. It’s very problematic and it’s taking a very obvious toll on you. You look so thin, and your eyes are dull. Take a little break of filming is what I think you should do.” He continued to talk but I couldn’t really hear him anymore.

I looked down at myself, my wrists, my thighs, my stomach. All of them seemed thinner than normal. But that was just because I had no appetite, I wasn’t bulimic or anorexic, I simply just didn’t feel like eating. But why?

There were so many articles talking about how thin I was. My fans were very supportive, telling me to be strong and be healthier, but they didn’t know what this felt like. Only I did.

And that’s when I decided that I was going to get over him.

I knew that it was going to be difficult and extremely painful for me, but this ‘relationship’ I had in my head was obviously not going to happen in real life. I didn’t blame Jimin at all, it was not his fault, neither was it mine. But sometimes, things just happen, or they don’t.

“I’m going to get over him, I’ve been stuck in this crush for too long already. It’s almost been a year and a half, I think I’m ready to stop.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I told Yoongi, and I had no intention of holding them back.

“I’m here for you.”

So, from then on, I promised myself that I would get over him. Every time I thought of him, I would mentally slap myself and think of something else, which sort of worked, but my mind would naturally gravitate back to him like a paperclip to some sort of magnet, and I had to repeat the process, leaving me mentally and physically drained by the end of the day.

I was a pretty vocal person, so I decided to talk to Yoongi about it. He was a good listener, quiet and sturdy, and he sat quietly next to me, hearing all my feelings through text or in person. Sometimes he gave me advice, which was mostly to naturally get over him, but most of the time he just sat there listening intently.

I tried talking to my other friends as well, leaving his name as a blank, but they all gave me the same response: if you want to get over him, just stop talking about him, that way you won’t think about him as much. But I already thought about him on a daily basis, so what was the difference if I shut up?

I couldn’t breathe.

All the air in my body felt like it was being sucked out. I felt like dying.

I just got home from a photoshoot that went terribly wrong because the camera director thought that I was not the right model and started throwing a fit. It turned out okay in the end, at least he didn’t hurt me, but it still hurt my feelings.

As my car was pulling up into my driveway, I felt nauseous. I bolted out of the car and ran straight for the toilet, where I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl. NOt that there was much to empty, though.

I just sat on the ground, and reality hit me. Getting over him was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I had done many crazy things to prepare for a role, like egg someone’s house to study their reaction, cut my hair unevenly to see what the media would say about me, and hug random strangers on the street to see what they would do.

None of them was as hard as staying conscious while having a panic attack.

And there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, having a panic attack. My breathing was rapid and shallow, and I couldn’t think straight. All my thoughts flew out the window, but the thought of Jimin stayed with me, comforting and hurting me at the same time.

I started hysterically crying, and Seulgi started banging on the door. Everything was blurry and disoriented, like I was looking through a fisheye lens. I slammed my head on the wall a few times, trying to knock some sense into myself as I hyperventilated, but it didn’t work.

I was a mess, sobbing on the damp floor, eyes bulged out, gasping for air and comfort.

What do I do? What did I do? I can’t breathe.

I tried counting the number of light bulbs in the room to take my mind off this attack, but everything became blurrier, and I had to focus on staying conscious.

My trembling hands reached out for my phone in my pocket, I had no energy to grab so I just dragged it out and held it. It looked like it was vibrating, but it was just me.

I dialed the first number that came to mind and held it next to my ear.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Yoongi, panic, attack, please, help.” I wheezed into the phone.

“Square breathe. Four in, four hold, four out, four hold. I’ll be there, just wait for me.”

He arrived at my house with a stuffed bear and a concerned expression. I stared at him from the mountain of blankets I had buried myself under.

Seulgi had managed to open the door to the bathroom and saw me crying on the floor. She immediately managed to get me up as I was too tired to resist and brought me to my room. She was in the kitchen making me a warm drink, and I thanked the gods for my wonderful and caring sister.

“What happened?” Yoongi said as he set the bear down.

“Yoongi, I don’t know what to do.” I hiccuped and closed my eyes to soothe the headache I felt coming on. “I really want to get over him, but I feel...I feel like...I don’t know how to explain it. But, I really love him. And when I try to forget him, it hurts. And when I think of him, it hurts. Yoongi, I am hurting. My heart is hurting. I can’t do this. I’ve never been in this much pain in my life.” I started crying all over again, but this time it wasn’t hysterical. It was the silent type, where tears just fell from your eyes, making you hurt even more. My nails dug into my skin, making little crescent indents into my arm.

I was going through so much, with the fame and now this. I couldn’t take it. It was too difficult.

“Yoongi, i’m in so much pain. I want to hurt myself, but I can’t. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t continue with life like this, Yoongi, I can’t.”

I looked up and saw tears rolling down his pale cheeks, but he didn’t make an effort to wipe them away.

“It’s going to be okay.”

1 year later

“Jimin-ah! Is that you?” I yelled out, and he turned around to face me. A grin spread across his face like wildfire, and he walked towards me with a spring in his step.

“Y/n! How have you been? I haven’t seen you lin like a year!” He stepped forward and embraced me. I felt the urge to wriggle out of his touch, but I took a deep breath and hugged him back. It felt good.

“I’ve been good, a little busy with filming and photoshoots, but otherwise good! We should meet up sometime to hang out.” I smiled at him warmly, and he returned the smile with a genuine one. But, after a while, his smile faded a little, and there was a glint of worry in his eyes.

“Y/n, I need to tell you something.” He held my hands, and my breath quickened a little.

“Yoongi told me about what happened last year. About, you know, me and you.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “I just wanted to apologise. I swear I didn’t intentionally hurt you. I was just a little freaked that a beautiful girl like you would love an idiot like me, so I wanted to distance myself a little. I didn’t know that I would end up hurting you. I was so immature and I really just want to start over with you. Do you forgive me?”

‘Hmm,” I pretended to think, picking at my nails, teasing him a little. “I’d have to think about that. But do you know what will make me make my decision faster? Us hanging out, sometime next week? I’ll call you.” I gave him a playful thumbs up, and he laughed as he shook his head.

“Of course, we’ll arrange a date.”

“It’s settled then.” I did a playful bow to him and started to skip away, but dipped my head backwards to say something before I left.

“Hey Jimin,” I called to him and he raised his head to look at me with confusion. “Remember when I was whipped for your ass?” He tilted his head and I flashed him a cheeky smile.

“Yeah, me neither.”

#bangtan bookclub #bt-yes-network #btssunshinenet #bts fluff #bts angst #jimin x reader #jimin fluff #jimin angst #bts jimin #park jimin #i hope yall like it !!

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comicteaparty · 6 years

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January 21st-January 27th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from January 21st, 2019 to January 27th, 2019. The chat focused on Helsirvente by khkddn.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Helsirvente by khkddn~! (http://helsirvente.webcomic.ws/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until January 27th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. Who do you think Helsirvente is? For that matter, what do you think Helsirvente is? Ultimately, what theories do you have on Helsirvente’s goals considering they involve a lot of murder that has specific signs on the body?

QUESTION 4. How exactly do you think the red ghost from the first arc knows Helsirvente and what does that have to do with their rage? Additionally, who was the ominous green ghost who helped save Edith?

QUESTION 5. Given its continual mentions, how might Edith’s possession in the first chapter continue to affect their future ghost hunting? Do you believe Edith is dealing with it, or are there going to be long-term emotional effects for a long time to come?

snuffysam

1. For me, it'd have to be the end of chapter 2. Figuring out Roswell's power and discovering the baby boy that he is (except not really) was just real fun.

snuffysam

2. For the main characters... I'm gonna say Edith. I like how she's the risk taker of the group (particularly when it comes to impressing Sadie). for minor characters... Trash Reaper over Jacques.

3. Helsirvente eats ghosts, according to the last couple pages

due to... hunger, i guess

Not sure what's up with the specific body signs though. Helsirvente poking metaphorical holes in their victims so that their spirits don't blow up in the proverbial microwave?(edited)

Red Ghost was probably killed by Helsirvente

though if that's the case, what's up with Helsirvente killing someone, then leaving their ghost in an abandoned spot for years? Seems like you wouldn't get a great dinner that way

khkddn

I mean we've all forgotten stuff in the microwave before, right, maybe that's what happened

Or she doesn't taste good

snuffysam

i suppose we wouldn't be able to meet both red ghost and roswell if they tasted good

or the hound

or i guess trash reaper and jacques?

khkddn

Who would have thought, a ghost going by the name of Trash, would taste bad

snuffysam

jacques probably tastes like snails

khkddn

That's what he RP's he is, but he's more like a cheeseburger(edited)

Delphina

Just caught up on the comic! Reminds me a lot of Paranatural in its subject matter and banter! XDDD

Edith is pretty decisive and definitely stands out as the most memorable protagonist to me of the four. I like that Sadie is taking a more proactive interest in the "hitting stuff with crowbars" department, though, since the guys just seem to take more passive roles of standing back and/or sassing.

Of the ghosts, Trash Ghost is definitely a very lovable kind of delusional. I also like Green Ghost. It seemed so happy about seeing people!

I think my favorite scene so far is the one where they defeat Roswell's illusions with bird puns. Can't go wrong with bird puns.

khkddn

ah thanks, paranatural was one of my inspirations for the comic hah

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Do you think Sadie is a murderer as her fear-induced illusion accused her of being? If so, how did it happen and who do you think the illusion entity was supposed to be?

RebelVampire

1) Any of the scenes where Edith is interacting with the red ghost whether real or illusion. THey are creepy af in the most excellent way between their visuals and pacing. And I like in general just how dangerous the situation feels whenever the red ghost is about. 2) Theo. I like the idea that their supposed ghost expert in the group is also the most cowardly. And I also how comically he tries to play off his cowardice but then at other times flat out acknowledge it. And inevitability I'm really interested in seeing his character growth and how he overcomes these things. 3) I'm gonna take the implication to be that Helsirvente is a spirit of some sort. Maybe the spirit of a serial killer who was like "Hey I can kill ever more ppl when dead cause they can't hurt me." Although I think Helsirvente is actually killing people hoping to steal ppl's ghost powers. And the more traumatic the death, the more power they get or something like that. I think this fits in well why some ghosts aren't eaten as Roswell implies Helsirvente does. That or the ghosts have to take time to marinate to be good enough to eat.

4) Red ghost I assumed was killed by Helsirvente but then Helsirvente mehed and moved on. So red ghost basically died for nothing thus her unending rage. As for the green ghost...no one good. I do not trust the green ghost at all. There's being happy to interact with people and then there's being a massive creeper about it. I would not be surprised if the green ghost turned out to be helsirvente. 5) I do not think Edith is dealing with the posession at all. I think emotionally she's trying to live in denial and move on rather than confronting how scared she was even after the fact. I think once she does come to terms shes not invulnerable, she's gonna learn to be less reckless during their adventures. 6) im gonna ballpark guess: the illusion entity was meant to be her father that she killed in self defense when he was being abusive. although even if not her dead, im sitting firm that i think she totally definitely killed him and that it was a self defense sort of situation

Delphina

Yah, I could see it being Sadie's father or older brother figure and she's got some strong trauma that's being interpreted as "I killed him" through the guilt lens. Perhaps that's why she was so excited to join Edith's ghost group in the first place.

"Maybe I can talk to him/explain things/apologize if I can see him again."

snuffysam

or maybe she was little and that guy was driving a car that swerved from hitting her

khkddn

Oh interesting theories :o

Delphina

Is "Helsirvente" supposed to be pronounced like "Hell Servant"?(edited)

khkddn

It's "hell sir ventay"

Or "hell sir vahnt" but I think I'm the only person in the world who's thought to pronounce it that way, so the other one is how the characters say it

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. The story emphasizes Roswell’s illusions can be future fears, so which fears (if any) do you think were those future fears? What do you think they predict for the story?

RebelVampire

(the archive for the chat on sunstrike and bluemist is now available~! @ShaRose49 https://comicteaparty.com/post/182287769955/january-14th-january-20th-2019-ctp-archive)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. Do you think when all is said and done that Mariel will come to trust Edith and company? Will Roswell get to move into the diner as well? Lastly, why was Mariel so freaked out upon learning they knew about a Helsirvente corpse?

RebelVampire

7) comically i hope its this clown http://helsirvente.webcomic.ws/comics/102/ that was a future fear. cause always gotta take the opportunities to make clowns terrifying. also mothman. cause mothman illusion was adorable. but more seriously i think the red ghost illusion thing had an aura of both. like thats a fear thatll just keep on giving cause of all the illusions that one seemed the most ominous. but either way i definitely think they arent done with getting into more ghost trouble 8) i think mariel might have been freaked out cause perhaps the corpses somehow attract helsirvente? cause that sounds like a logical reason to be terrified of them and be suspicious of anyone who might have contact with helsirvente. i dont think mariel will trust so much as just tolerate. assume that there are bigger fish to fry and that murdering human children isnt productive. so yeah, i think theyll let roswell move in. roswell can learn to dramatically roleplay and gain some confidence.

Delphina

Roswell: I'm gonna be a LARPer like the cool kids! =D Zander: Oh buddy we gotta have a talk about the cool kids...

khkddn

lol, Roswell would be a great larper

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. How do you believe the increasing danger of the ghost hunts will affect all the characters? Specifically, how might their relationship dynamics be effected?

Delphina

That's an interesting question because it feels like we already started on a pretty high note of danger/life-threatening in the first chapter. It's only really Zander and Theo's conversations with Sadie that we got any indication this level of danger in ghost hunts was atypical for them. So I wonder if Zander and Theo are going to reconsider their role in this and want to back away from all this (I don't have a strong sense of their characters/motivations at this point, so really not sure). I suspect with the possession and Edith's strong-headed nature, she's just gonna get in over her head more and more but be too stubborn to admit it because she's always felt like the one in control. Sadie is sorta in the middle because this is new to her and she doesn't have a sense of normal yet, and it seems like she might be seeking closure for the dude she "killed" in all this, so I expect that to be a further motivation for her and hope to see more details about her past as we go.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

snuffysam

the thing I'm looking forward to most is seeing these characters grow. I fell in love with all four of these idiots through the first few chapters, and now I want to see how they develop over the rest of the comic.

khkddn

they're gonna change, but still prolly be idiots unfortunately

overall it's been neat hearing what people think will happen next!

Delphina

I really like the episodic nature and how each part reveals a little more about the big secret stuff at the core. The balance of snark and horrific is also fun. I hope we see a little more about the human characters' lives, both in and outside of ghost hunting.

khkddn

im glad you like the balance of silly and scary. sometimes i think it's veering a bit too much on the silly side tbh

Delphina

Oh yeah, I get that. Specifically comparing it to Paranatural, I feel like the silliness is less... dense, which still gives room for a lot of creepy ambiance, where Paranatural feels like a comedy story first and a dramatic horror distant second.

I think also there's a difference between wisecracks/goofs (which come from the teenage humans being teenage humans) and other kinds of humor (like the Diner Ghosts), and feeling out that balance so that both don't detract from the "whoa heck murdered people" vibe is tricky.

khkddn

My main worry in that respect is a reader gets to the murder parts and is like "what? this is a violent story??? where are the goofs" haha so if there's a noticeable creepy vibe that's good

RebelVampire

9) I think for now the supposed increased danger is fine, but I think that just means it's gonna build up. THey're gonna keep trying to go back to normal, only to have to finally blow up emotionally and accept maybe what they thought was normal wasnt normal. or that normal has changed. I think this is gonna put strain on all their relationships. Everyone will be frustrated with Theo's cowardice, Edith's strong headedness, and so forth. And I think at the end its gonna make them question all their friendships but inevitably strengthen it as they learn to bond over the danger and that working together is better than being alone. 10) like Delphina, im kind of hoping to see more of their lives outside of ghost hunting. i think itll be an interesting contrast that shows how their ghost hunting adventures are kind of crazy and such. but overall i think itll just reveal interesting stuff about the charas that may add context to stuff as their ghost hunting adventures continue.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Helsirvente this week! Please also give a special thank you to khkddn for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Helsirvente, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://helsirvente.webcomic.ws/

khkddn's Twitter: https://twitter.com/khkddn

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #helsirvente #khkddn

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