#and confessed extremely worrying suicidal tendencies

[arretoskore]

.

[venomdol]

Bsd Characters as your boyfriend headcanons

Featuring: Chuuya Nakahara, Osamu Dazai, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Akutagawa Rensuke, Atsushi Nakajima

Chuuya Nakahara

At first he kept denying it when he was falling for you.

When he finally realised it, bro went full gentlemen to you.

Would let you wear his coat whenever you're cold.

You sometimes braid his hair in the morning.

Of course he'd always act like he didn't like it

But he did.

Expect him coming to your door in the middle of the night to take you out on a motorcycle date.

Gets REALLY cheesy when drunk.

"Ngh... I'm the luckiest man in the entire world because of you..."

I recommend dating him. He's definitely a green flag.

Osamu Dazai

If he ever finds out he has a crush on you, he would not hide it.

Persistent as hell

And that's what led to you dating him.

Would actually keep all his problems to himself.

Like whenever you are worried about him, he'd always put a smile in front of you just to not get you worried.

Always talks about double suicide.

But like he would never actually have the heart to see you die because of him

Sweet nicknames like 'Belladonna' or 'princess'

Isn't really jealous about most things.

But if he sees a guy flirting with you or making you uncomfortable...

Yeah, things won't end well with the guy.

I don't really recommend him much, but I believe he'd be a good boyfriend.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

If he ever has a crush on you, he'd manipulate you to like date him.

Yandere tendencies .

Would prefer a submissive girl.

Even though he gives out yandere vibes, he's also pretty romantic at times.

Would let you wear his hat.

Kisses your neck while you're sitting on his lap.

Would teach you how to play the cello.

Says seductive things on russian to tease you.

"Я не могу поверить, что одного предложения достаточно, чтобы ты промок."

It's mostly hard to surprise him since he can always read your emotions.

Sorry, but I do not recommend it. He'd mostly manipulate you and stuff...

Akutagawa Rensuke

You were the first one to confess your feelings.

You guys give of 'She fell first, he fell harder'

Would be embarrassed in showing affection in public.

Pretty blunt when it comes to romance.

Would use cuddling as a way to releive stress.

Actually pretty possessive.

Will kill anyone who looks at you too long.

Would secretly like it if you praised him for something he did.

Again, he's extremely jealous and possessive.

Would act like he doesn't care about you.

But he actually does.

Has a soft spot for you.

Atsushi Nakajima

When you guys firts started dating he was VERY awkward.

"Uhm... should we hold hands?"

But got pretty used to it.

His favorite activity is definitely cuddling.

Can clean like a househusband.

Will love having you pet his hair.

Cheaper dates because he's broke.

He doesn't really get jealous since he can barely tell when someone is flirting.

Random surprise hugs.

Would actually cry if you say you love him.

Please give him lots of kisses.

Would accidently push you off the bed.

And take the blankets.

[tashas-cauldron-of-magic-soup]

Vhaid, once Vhaidvalyrin Tlintara

prince of murder - the spurned son - trembling hand of death - the redeemed - wounded dove - precious little bhaal-babe - coppertop

Meet him below...

CW: murder, suicidality, masochism

Vhaid was found and raised by Sindyrrith Tlintara. A drow priestess of Eilistraee, she discovered him in the Underdark while venturing to rescue Lolth’s apostates. Among a small group of refugees was a young boy, not more than two years old. With striking copper hair, and eyes as pale as death. He exhibited considerable symptoms of trauma. Oddly silent, hardly even crying for hunger or fear. Subject to near constant tremors in his extremities and his head. They refugees took him in, hoping he could find a better life on the surface when the Eilistraeeans came to their rescue.

Sindyrrith, in her kindness, decided she would take and raise the boy herself. She named him Vhaidvalyrin, or “proud kindness,” in her native Drow. Hoping he might find his voice and use it for good.

Sindyrrith became his mother when he had none. Taking him into her shrine, a peaceful, hidden grove in the lands of Tethyr. Lush and accommodating to him. Though he learned to speak, he remained painfully shy. But he refrained from any violent tendencies. Expressing much love for his adoptive mother and the people of his shrine who helped raise him.

Rather than outward malice, the urge manifested in night terrors that would send him running to Sindyrrith to soothe him. In them, he sat surrounded on all sides by the bodies of those that cared for him in various states of gore. Centrally was his mother, strung up and eviscerated nearly beyond recognition. And on his little, shaking hands was the blood.

Unnervingly, when she attempted to teach him to use reverie to try and assuage his dreams, she found he was incapable.

She began to fear he bore some unknown connection to Lolth, and perhaps that was the great trauma that had affected him and kept him separated from their goddess. Endlessly, she prayed for the Dark Maiden’s protection and salvation for him. But Eilistraee seemed not to be listening. Or seemed somehow unable. Sindyrrith worried sick for the boy as he clung to her each night, haunted by visions.

Finally, she overheard him having a conversation to himself as he played. He muttered over and over how he wished he didn’t have to kill his mother because he loved her. Followed by quiet retching and weeping that called Sindyrrith to his aid. As she cleaned him, she noticed that amongst his toys was a dagger that had gone missing. When she inquired on how he’d found it, he confessed that he didn’t remember, though he wished insistently to keep it.

She brought the issue of her son's behavior to her council, but it would be far too late. The Church of Bhaal found the shrine in the night and set it ablaze. The trees of the quiet grove went up like tinder before its denizens had any chance of escape. Trapped in their sanctuary, they burned.

All except Sindyrrith and her boy, who lay clinging to one another within the shrine. She begged them to leave the boy, and take her instead. A Deathstalker came forward and modified her mind beyond recognition. She would remember nothing, apart from her shame. Granting her only the knowledge that she could have smothered the boy in the cradle and ended what would be a great scourge upon the world. And the fear that one day, her beloved son would return to her one day and finish what was started that night.

A fate worse than death, they considered. Rightful punishment for perverting his mind with her love.

When the bhaalists asked the distraught boy’s name, and he told them Vhaidvalyrin, they scoffed at the priestess, still twitching as her mind struggled to survive the onslaught. They declared he would only be called Vhaid from then on. Pride.

As they tried to usher him out of the shrine, and he walked amongst the remains of all those who had raised him, he produced the blade he’d stolen and drove it into the leg of one of the bhaalists. The others simply watched on and allowed him to continue. He killed like it was as natural as breathing. Quickly and cleanly he brought the knife into the throat of his adversary. As the blood soaked the child’s hands, he found peace within his troubled mind for the first time. But the killing was not extravagant, nor proud.

He was cold. Gritting his teeth and softly weeping. Both in relief and in hatred. Knuckles white around the handle of his blade. It was haunting. The Prince of Murder was born from the ashes of the soft spoken boy.

Sindyrrith would be found some time later by a contingent of Silverhair Knights notified of the forest fire in the area. She was taken to the Promenade of the Dark Maiden, in Skullport. Where her fellow priestesses worked to rehabilitate her and help her regain her memories. She subjected herself to extreme feats of asceticism to atone for what she felt was the greatest sin. Not saving the world from the spawn of Bhaal. For making the mistake of loving the unlovable.

Meanwhile, Vhaid grew under the guidance of his Father. Bhaal lead him into the urges that possessed his mind since childhood. If he strayed, Vhaid would once again be inflicted with his Father's wrath. Unable to eat without retching. His tremors wracked him to the point of vertigo-inducing nystagmus. The night terrors returning, though unable to wake from them for hours. His own body became the leash his Father held him on.

All while he was crafted into a magnificent killer. Driven only to ease his Father’s wrath, and be at peace for precious moments at a time. Clean, painless, and swift as a bird. Efficiency was preferred over spectacle. He grew close to no one so he might kill without feeling anything. In fact, he developed a sense of misanthropy to cope with the weight of his duties. Begrudging others for their freedoms and the petty squabbles. While he headed a grand plan to end their parasitic existences in a revelry of death.

The plan culminating in his own tragic being. He relished in the thought of standing upon the great pile of corpses beneath his feet and finally killing himself. Free from the suffering of his life after satisfying the one and only duty for which it was created. He loathed himself for his urges. For the warmth only felt in the viscera of others. A worthy end would only come at his own hands.

Bhaal knew this shame came from Vhaid's false mother. But even as it drove a wedge between them, it kept Vhaid motivated. Pliable.

And from his inner suffering, Vhaid found sick reprieve in his own pain as he came of age. An effort to cope. Release in the truest sense of the word. Though he did not keep lovers in the traditional sense, he did use the bodies of his followers to carry out such desires. Happy to comply to the Prince, they administered him pain on request. Until it turned to pleasant numbness.

Eventually, he would come to an alliance to accomplish Bhaal's goals. With his bhaalspawn “sister” and the followers of Bane and Myrkul, completing the Dead Three. Vhaid, ever quiet and collected, held his thinly veiled disgust for them behind letting them utilize Bhaal’s favoritism of him. All was in relative peace between them for a time. Until Orin’s jealousy over Bhaal’s love for Vhaid, for which she felt slighted. Vhaid was sickeningly gentle, killing in such quick and painless and uninspired ways. She was ever the devoted servant to His wills, killing with fervor. So came her betrayal of her “brother” in a punishment mimicking that of his mother.

Enduring the destruction of his mind and weeks of experimentation at the hands of Kressa. Rotting in the mindflayer colony, likely to die there, left forgotten and forgetting. Until his unlikely salvation came in his discarding to the Nautiloid. Unwittingly beginning the chain of events that would set him free. And assure the Dead Three's destruction.

Ship Name: Doveblood (Astarion x Vhaid)

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[kitsu-katsu]

About revived (by Derivakat)

(Disclaimer: Nothing against Derivakat, I think her songs are amazing in general and she's very talented, I simply have a bone to pick with these lyrics and characterization)

So um, here's my counter to some of the lyrics because fuck it, I'm tired and fueled by spite, let's go:

Let's start with the chorus:

"White streak in my hair but no stress now" - Funnily incorrect, cc!Wilbur confirmed that the white hair is from stress itself, it's not about the revival process alone. Also just by reasoning, I cannot imagine what might have been stressful about spiralling and believing that the world is out to crush you, believing that you're the scum of the Earth as well, only to die, spend 13 and half years in dark isolation and then being jolted back up to life missing huge chunks of information, really cannot fathom how that might be stressful /s

"I've seen hell, but this is a bit more my style" - True you know? It's awesome that he's said that he's over the moon about being alive again after spending 13 and a half years of pure isolation in the dark, screming until his throat was hoarse. But coming from the tone of it, I'd like to point out that Wilbur's also still passively suicidal and self harms (check out the part under "He doesn't love TNT, he self-harms with it" in this post)

"A decade of time to make everything mine" (also counts for "This is my sunrise, this is my dawn, this is what I've waited for all along. All of this time, all this is mine. MINE. MINE. MINE!")- Honestly, based on what he's been doing, no prejudices, forget everything fandom's said: he doesn't really seem to want to "make everything his", does he? This perception mostly comes from him saying "This is my sunrise, this is mine!" in the original revival stream, however, if you forget about common fandom perception, what's so evilly framed about a guy who spent 13 and a half years of isolation in the dark saying "this is my sunrise!" after watching the sun coming up again for the first time since his death, in which he was extremely emotionally unstable? Like for real?

Now onto the verses:

"Am I the bad guy? I'll be the bad guy again" and "I've come back hell-bent" - Now, he has said that: “Here’s the thing, Tommy. I, I, I, I know I was bad, and I know I can redeem myself, but like, you know, there’s a little bit of fun in being bad, you know, we’ve spoken about this.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 11:31, 5th May), BUT, since then he's also expressed genuine remorse for his worse actions during Pogtopia (check out the parts under "He really regrets what happened in Pogtopia" and "Wilbur cares. A LOT" in this post), a wanting to redeem himself and truly become better and... uh... OH! He's also admitted that he's afraid he scares people and cried when Ranboo said that he was "an alright person". For real, just watch the Healthy Competition stream and read this reddit post by cc!Wilbur

The reddit post in question, just in case:

"You think I cared? It was always a means to an end" - So false. Just... so false. Ok, so quick one, let's review the actual lines said originally about him "not caring for L'manburg" in full:

“Uh, one thing, I didn’t actually really care about L'Manberg, I just cared about, you know, sticking it to the man. Actually, I cared about L'Manberg for the sole reason that I could use it to stick it to the man.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 24:18, 5th May)

“Look, I- Okay, I said it wrong. Look, I did care about- I did care about L'Manberg, but I cared about it for- You would call it the wrong reasons, but I, I- Just don’t think about it, don’t think about it too hard. Look, L'Manberg’s gone now, we’ve got that, you know- That, that wart on my side is gone, you know. I salute it, I salute it, you know, it was a great- It was a great place.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 25:18, 5th May)

“Look, Tommy, I’m gonna reiterate for you once more because I don’t think you quite understood, and that’s okay, you know, you don’t need to understand everything. I did care about L'Manberg. I did, I did. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, Tommy. L'Manberg would have been as loved by me had it been called Bimbum and was built in the middle of the desert.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 26:05, 5th May)

“The actual location, and the actual things it was, it were, were not important to me. It’s the thing it stood for. Which was freedom, liberty, and sticking it to the man, Tommy!” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 26:26, 5th May)

“We were a family, Tommy. We were…” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 27:26, 5th May)

So as you may see, he retracts himself immediately and explains his feelings with more nuance

Then, let's look at the more recent confession to Ranboo:

“I told Tommy that I didn’t actually care about L'Manberg, and that it was just like a tool for me to use to gain like, you know, power and stuff. But it’s not, it’s not true.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 26:36, 3rd Aug)

“L'Manberg is- was really important to me. And it is still to this day.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 26:47, 3rd Aug)

“I want it to, em, I want its history to live on not as a stain caused by me, you know. I basically just took a big shit on the history books, it feels like. I wanna, I wanna make it, I wanna make it feel like it was, you know, it was something that happened. You know, it was a great thing, you know, think of the good times. The- The years of safety. Well, not years, but you know.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 26:47, 3rd Aug)

If this got more explicit I'd be literally hitting you over the head with it. Anyway, check out the parts under "Wilbur cared. A LOT" and "He really cared and cares about L'Manburg, and didn't want its ideals twisted to hur others with" in this post

"So who cares? So what? I'm not calming down" and "Shut up! And listen" - “Tommy, shut up! I mean, Tommy, come over here. Tommy, come over here, come over here, man. It’s cool, it’s cool, it’s cool. Sorry, I, I-” (Alivebur)

– (Wilbur’s A Deck of Cards with a Green Smile on them: 26:08, 31st May)

That line's totality gets often cut down, erasing the immediate apology after the loss of cool. Furthermore, I'd argue that him "not calming down" in general is mainly due to his euphoria and overexcitement during certain scenes where it makes complete sense for him to be feeling like that, and in a broader sense, he has a tendency to say things in the heat of the moment and out of impulsivity that he turns to later regret from all the way back at Pogtopia. Him not calming down now is either out of impulsivity or outright euphoria to be out of limbo, not necessarily an evil thing. And when he percieves he should calm down, he tries his best to do it, or apologizes for snapping

“I’m sorry I wasn’t, you know, entirely on the same page. But, man, I promise you, I’ve calmed down, you know, I’m all, I’m all settled in. I understand, you know, what’s changed, what hasn’t, who’s new, who’s old, you know, who’s still about, you know, who… Who, uh… uh… Who trusts me and stuff.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 15:04, 3rd Aug)

“I relived that explosion in my head so many times man. And, and, and I- I get that you don’t, you don’t trust me, I do, but like, man, look at me, bro, I’m not gonna do it again. I’m not gonna- I’m not gonna hurt you again.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 21:21, 3rd Aug)

(Check out the parts under "Wilbur cares. A LOT", "Paranoia and distrustfulness are integral parts of his character", "Self-loathing and self-sabotage are also integral parts of his character", "He hesitated regarding the button tons of times" and "He feels inhuman. He knows that people see him as a freak, evil or crazy and that makes him feel dehumanized" in this post)

"There's nothing wrong with me" - BUDDY. Wilbur drowns in self-hatred, what are you talking about? The man got caught off guard and cried when someone said "you're an alright person"... He's worried that he scares people, he knows how others see him on top of his own self-hatred

“TommyInnit, as you know, is just, he thinks I’m insane. I’m not insane, chat, I’m not insane.” - (Wilbur’s The Festival: 4:30, 16th Oct)

“See, I’m not so crazy, Tommy. I know what I’m doing.” - (Wilbur’s The Festival: 16:40, 16th Oct)

“I’ve told you, I’m not crazy, Tommy. I know what I’m doing, and this is genuinely the best thing we could do right now.” - (Wilbur’s The Festival: 17:18, 16th Oct)

“I’m not crazy! How am I crazy?!” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 43:18, 17th Oct)

“Everyone I seem to meet has this deep intrisnic feeling of disgust towards me. Jack Manifold seemed to be quite nice to me, but I reckon he, I could feel it, you know, in his stare. But like, you don’t have that. I can tell you’re a good guy.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 30:24, 5th May)

“Quackity, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve, I’ll be honest you with you, I’ve lost everything, man. I, um. I’ve lost decades of my life. I’ve lost my- most of the people who cared about me. Some people don’t even know I’m back yet, and I, and I think that’s probably for the best. So I feel like that does humble a man. That really humbles a man, you know?” – (Wilbur’s A Deck of Cards with a Green Smile on them: 1:00:52, 31st May)

“Listen, Phil, I met, I met Quackity. After you very kindly lent me your house. I went and met him. Yeah! I met up with him, and I hadn’t seen him in ages. It was, I’m gonna say it, it was nice. It was a nice time. I- I- It felt good, it felt, uh, you know, he didn’t, he didn’t seem afraid of me, which is cool.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 7:38, 25th July)

“Not many people do. I mean, Phil, you don’t seem afraid of me, you’re not afraid of me, are you, Phil?” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 8:03, 25th July)

“Good, good. 'Cause I’m not afraid of you.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 8:10, 25th July)

“Why? Why? … No, no, no, no, no, not the, not the bit about the, not the bit about the right foot, the why don’t you think I’m a bad person?” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 35:13, 25th July)

“Can I be real with you, man? I think I scare people.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 36:30, 25th July)

“I mean, like I, I, I, I don’t think I, I- I think a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them, you know? Like they’ve seen what I can do, and they don’t want me to do it again, so they adopt your emotion in order to do it.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 36:46, 25th July)

“Dream is- He’s had his comeuppance, and I have not! My comeuppance was apparently not good enough for this people. They’re just waiting, they’re waiting for the next thing for me to slip up on, and, Ranboo, I’m not gonna fucking slip up, Ranboo. I’m different.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 38:07, 25th July)

“I’m living in eternal limbo, again. I’ve been through limbo, I’m out of limbo, and socially, I’m still in this limbo.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 38:36, 25th July)

(Check out the parts under "He feels inhuman. He knows that people see him as a freak, evil or crazy and that makes him feel dehumanized", "Paranoia and distrustfulness are integral parts of his character" and "Self-loathing and self-sabotage are also integral parts of his character" in this post)

"Oh yes, I blew up the nation!" (said with glee) - I make a point of the tone in this specific line, because I could make a point of the tone in the whole song, but this line is a good example. He didn't blow up L'manburg just with glee like "hell yeah! I did it!". Of course he talks about it with pride sometimes, but it's usually either said in the middle of the same impulsive moments in which he'd claim he doesn't care, said with relief of him having control over at least that situation (like him sighing right after doing it just to ask Phil to finish it off by killing him), or said with the same deflection with which he'd claim that not having a grave didn't affect him and was badass actually since he only wanted it for the hateful obituaries anyway (which was a lie, and he admitted it on the third of august stream when saying "I was so pressed about not having a grave" in case you had doubts)

Finally, I want to make emphasis on the fact that: The explosion on the 16th had two main drives behind it and they often get glossed over. The first objectivee was blowing it up and causing just enough destruction to get L'manburg back (You know, when Wilbur still had some kind of hope). After his spiral went further and his paranoia and self-loathing worsened, his two drives become apparent: First was blowing it up to rid the world of the twisted thing L'manburg became, ridding the world of what the twisted version of his ideals became with Schlatt in control of them. Secondly, he wanted to end L'manburg as a part of himself and rid the world of himself completely (by this I'm referencing his suicide), he decided he wanted to die and expected that as a result since a lot of time before the 16th. The explosion was effectively a bigger projection of his suicide, rid the world of both himself and his creation, mixed with his constant desire to protect, it also becomes "rid the world of the corrupted version of L'manburg that became Manburg", because for all intents and purposes, since the important thing about L'manburg was its founding ideals, L'manburg had been dead for a long time at that point.

“Yesterday I had the perfect opportunity to blow everything up and finally end it, you know. I had the perfect opportunity to finally blow up everything and end it and just completely save everyone, right, from the tyranny of Schlatt and the tyranny of the existence of Manberg and L’Manberg, right.” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 25:17, 17th Oct)

“Explain it to me! Give me a reason! Give me a reason!” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 26:50, 17th Oct)

“Who else is it gonna hurt?! It’s gonna hurt Schlatt, Manberg, and-” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 26:55, 17th Oct)

“Why did I bring- I should have just done it. I’m such a fucking showman. I should have just done it.” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 27:18, 17th Oct)

“No you two can escape, I’ll be the… I’ll- I’ll- I’ll be… I’ll be trapped in here…” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 27:27, 17th Oct)

“I just- I just want to f… I just wanna end it, I wanna end it. I wanna press that button, man.” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 28:08, 17th Oct)

(Check out the parts under "Wilbur cares. A LOT", "Paranoia and distrustfulness are integral parts of his character", "Self-loathing and self-sabotage are also integral parts of his character", "He hesitated regarding the button tons of times", "He really cared and cares about L'Manburg, and didn't want its ideals twisted to hur others with", and "He really regrets what happened in Pogtopia" in this post)

[sixofpomegranates]

Rain in California - Act 1 - California

🥀Mini Series “Rain in California” Act 1 - Part 1 - California🥀

✨My Main Masterlist✨ | 18+ | AO3 | Wattpad

🥀Soundtrack🥀 | ✨Aestethic Trailer✨ |  🥀Masterlist🥀 | Words: 9.4k

A/N: The music used in this story is not owned by me (obviously) & I used it in the same style that 'Rock of ages' and 'Mamma Mia' used songs. I gave them a different meaning and context. The meaning and context are NOT representing the one that the ORIGINAL ARTIST had.

TW: ANGST, mention of loss/death/addiction/sobriety/murder, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, depression, addiction, substance abuse, drugs, alcohol, ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, stalking, death by overdose, mentions of OD, passive aggressiveness, arguing,

Songs in this Chapter: La di die – Nessa Berrett Going to Hell | My Medicine | Heaven Knows – The Pretty Reckless

“Spence?”

 Spencer looked up from his book.

Oh, so now he was allowed to talk with them about the case.

Since the briefing they hadn’t talked to him about anything. Spencer had to beg them, to let him work on this case.

He had really felt left out and why?

Because the stalking victim was a famous Rockstar with addiction issues. Spencer was hurt about his team not wanting him to be on the case because of this. Yes, he had struggled with addiction in the past, but he had been clean for over ten years now.

Was this unfair treatment…this distrust in his sobriety, ever going to stop?

It wasn’t like they had cared much about it when Emily had faked her death or when Maeve died, but this, for them, looked like a too high risk? Because there was a pretty girl involved?

He tried his best not to sound passive aggressive when responding.

 “Yeah, JJ?”, with success.

“I asked if everything´s okay.”

“Sure. Why should anything be wrong?”, the blonde shrugged a little, an apologetic look on her face.

“Well the case-“ “It´s just a stalking case. Nothing we haven’t already seen. I actually wonder why we even need to come. The stalker isn’t aggressive and hasn´t hurt anybody. Right now he´s just importunate. The police should be able to catch this unsub themselves.”, he had accidently let a little of his passive aggressiveness slip and Emily, who was sitting next to JJ, looked at him.

“The record label convinced the police to contact us. They seem worried about their artist.”

“From what I know…this girl can take care of herself.”, Luke snickered, earning himself a ‘Come on, really?’-look from Emily. “Sorry, but have you seen or listened to her music? She could probably beat Reid in a fist fight.”

“Just because she´s making rock music, doesn’t mean she´s tough. But we should talk a little about the case, Reid if you ever feel unco-“, he quickly interrupted her with a snappy tone.

“Why, because she´s an addict? I don’t care about that.”, Emily lifted her hands in a calming manner.

“Okay, jeez. Just the way you´re on edge, since the briefing, doesn’t look like you are okay.”, Spencer took a deep breath, trying to talk calmer this time, now almost pleading in tone.

“I-I know. But I´m clean since was twenty-six. I never touched anything again and I don’t feel the need to. I even regulate my alcohol intake, never drinking more than a beer, maybe two glasses of whiskey. Which means, that statistically all of you are at a higher risk, of becoming addicted, during this case, then I am. You guys need to trust me.”, the dark haired woman sighed and nodded.

“You´re right. I´m- We´re just worried. You´re our friend, Spencer.”, she handed him a file. “Just promise me you talk to one of us, if something changes.”

 He nodded opening the file. A picture of [y/n] looked at him. Dark heavy make-up, dark clothing and jet black hair with colorful streaks.

His younger self would´ve been as attracted as terrified of her.

He flipped through the pages. [y/n] [y/l/n]. Twenty-six years old. Stalker since approximately two years. Nothing extremely outstanding for a stalking case…which was kinda outstanding. No letters, no calls, no pictures, no break in, no threats…sometimes she would get random, expensive present delivered to her mansion, but that was it. Given that she was famous, this presents did not even have to be from a stalker.

 “Are we sure there´s even is a stalker?”, Spencer frowned at his own question, Emily shrugged as a response.

“According to the manager, Philip Schuyler, since the first time she played his concerns down, he gets these calls of a man asking for [y/n] and how she is doing. The label didn’t take it serious after he told them, but then the unsub stole the last finished album from [y/n]´s band ‘Shot Monarch’, before it could get released and distributed, also erasing every digitally existing copy. He then called the manager and send the owner of the record label a letter; typed on a computer, no fingerprints; stating that he wanted to be taken serious. Later [y/n] got the USB, containing all her songs, with a dozen white lilies, her favorite, back per mail with an apology letter; stating that she had done nothing wrong and didn’t need to worry, since he could never harm her or her carrier. That´s when the label pushed the police to contact us.”

“Because they are worried about the music…not the woman.”, JJ sighed, shaking her head.

“Well, that´s the industry. At least her manager is worried. Police states that he got himself a gun license after that and tries to be everywhere [y/n] is.”, Luke added.

“Something about that is off.”, Spencer whispered, rubbing his stubbles, before looking at JJ, Emily and Luke again. “There is nothing that indicates a stalker, but every time somebody doubts his existence, he does something noticeable. I know she is famous and that comes with the stigma of having crazed fans as stalkers, but most stalking in general is committed by someone known to the victim, such as an ex-partner or acquaintance. We should check that out.”, JJ nodded.

“It would also be smart if one of us stays by her site.”, Luke quickly raised his hand.

“I volunteer. I- Like- Really! If necessary I´ll sleep in the SUV.”, Emily raised an eyebrow.

“Can it be that you´re a fan? I heard you and Penelope freak out a little over the case earlier.”, a shy smirk appeared on his lips.

“‘Shot Monarch’ has really good music. Since my road trip a year ago, I love their stuff. Penelope actually tol-”, Spencer interrupted him determined.

“I´ll do it.”, Emily quickly shook her head.

“Reid, no.” “Why not?”, his voice got high, making him quickly cleared his throat. “Because-“ “Because she is taking drugs. Do you trust me that little, Emily?”, Spencer snapped at her and she leaned back into her seat. Sure the others from the team were older than him, but he was in his late thirties, and yet was treated like a child.

 “Fine. If you think you can handle it, do it. But stop being so sassy, I hate that.”, Emily looked at look in defeat. “Luke tell him what you know about [y/n] and the band.”, he nodded pulling out his phone.

“Okay so, [y/n] is the lead singer of ‘Shot Monarch’. She´s from a small town in Ohio and came to LA when she was eighteen, to become a singer after going viral. They are a band since five years, the name never really got explained by them, but it has something to do with the butterfly; at least that’s a fan theory I now from Penelope. Plus it makes sense, because [y/n] has a tattoo of one on the back of her hand.”, Luke flipped through some pictures of older man, reminding Spencer of bikers and insurance agents at the same time. Like middle-aged fathers that liked rock but still had a nine-to-five job.

“Hank, the guitarist, was a lawyer before and in a cover band with his high school friends Tom, the bassist, who worked for an insurance company, and Leroy, the drummer, who was history teacher and is also married to Hank. They met [y/n] at an open mic night and even though she´s twenty-six and they are in their late forties, early fifties, they got along so well, that they became a band. That´s ‘Going to Hell’ by the way. One of the more controversial songs.”, Luke pressed play on the video and already moved the lips to the lyrics.

  “Father did you miss me,

Been locked up a while.

I got caught for what I did but took it all in style.

Laid to rest all my confessions I gave way back when.

Now I'm versed in so much worse,

So I am back again, and he said

For the lives that I take, I'm going to hell!

For the love that I make, I'm going to hell!

Gettin' heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells.”

  “The guitar you´re hearing is a classic Hank. That guy knows what he´s doing.”, Luke added, seemingly in his element, reminding Spencer a lot of Garcia when she was excited.

 Spencer nodded and watched the music video, the overall theme was dark and heavy. [y/n] voice was nice, a little smoky and strong, but everything just sounded so angry. Not really his style, although he preferred older, classical music in general over the ‘normal’ things ‘normal’ people liked. [y/n] wore tightfitting latex, while the men from her band mostly just wore black jeans and shirts, sometimes leather jackets. At one time, she was surrounded by snakes, only wearing white lingerie. She was really pretty, red lipstick making her look like a biting version of Snow White. Like a princess that would rather save herself, becoming the villain along the way, before letting someone else save her.

  “Father did you miss me,

Don't ask me where I've been.

You know I know, yes, I've been told I redefine a sin.

I don't know what's driving me to put this in my head.

Maybe I wish I could die, maybe I am dead!

And he said

For the lives that I fake, I'm going to hell!

For the vows that I break, I'm going to hell!

For the ways that I hurt, when I'm hiking up my skirt.

I am sitting on a throne while they're buried in the dirt.

For the man that I hate, I'm going to hell!

Gettin' heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells.”

  The lyrics and symbolistic in the video mocked parts of the Christian belief system. Such as the bite Eve had taken from the apple, showing [y/n] taking a bite from the forbitten fruit. The last supper and the crucifixion were shown with a dark twist too. This could be a hint of rebellion, to cope with religious trauma, or simply be a way to cause controversy.

“Please forgive me father,

I didn't mean to bother you.

The devil's in me father.

He's inside of everything I do.

For the lives that I take, I'm going to hell!

For the laws that I break, I'm going to hell!

For the love that I hate, I'm going to hell!

For the lies that I make, I'm going to hell!

For the way I condescend and never lend a hand.

My arrogance is making this head buried in the sand.

For the souls I forsake, I'm going to hell!

Gettin' married to the devil, you can hear the wedding bells.”

As the video ended Luke took his phone and put it back into his pocket.

“Their earlier stuff had a little more emotion to it, was about heartbreak, suffering and made you feel. This is one of the more recent ones and you can hear that it´s now mostly just stuff like sex, drugs and anger. Most people think that´s because [y/n] writes all of their music and she´s…seen better days…”, Luke sighed, trying to make it sound as polite as possible.

“Because she started taking drugs?”, Spencer raised his eyebrows, but Luke shook his head. “Oh, no. She, according to many rumors and an interview with her father, has taken drugs since she was a teen. But at this point…she just simply seems to have given up, having chosen to not go deeper with her songs anymore. I mean, they still slap. They just don’t slap your heart anymore, you know?”

“Not so nice, when your father talks to the press about your addiction. Could her father be a suspect?”, JJ asked, making Luke shrug and shake his head at the same time.

“Most likely not. He said in that interview that he wishes her the best, but doesn’t want to speak to her again.”, Emily mouthed a silent ‘ouch’, the whole talk about the rockstars private life making Spencer think.

“Maybe that´s part why she´s taking drugs? Often people use them to cope with-“, Emily interrupted him, profiling [y/n] and her substance abuse, quickly.

“Reid. We´re not going there to fix her, just the stalking situation.”, he nodded, knowing that he had a savior complex, always trying to help and save everybody.

“Exes?”, Spencer asked and Luke shook his head.

“Just one is known, Dean Lennox, singer, now married with kids. He and [y/n] were together for two years and according to him it was toxic. Like, always fighting, jealousy, distrust, fear of being left but she still didn’t want him close at the same time, lying. After their last breakup, he told a gossip magazine, he just couldn’t watch her destroy herself anymore. She never commented on it.”, JJ looked at Spencer worried.

“She seems like a handful, are you sure you can handle her alone?”, he chuckled while nodding.

“I´ve been through worse. How hard can it be to watch a twenty-six year old? When she, like Luke said, really doesn’t want anyone close, I´ll just sit on her couch and let her do her thing.”

*****

After landing in Los Angeles and checking into their hotel, the team drove to police station. There already waited a massage for them with an address. It was from the manager, he wrote that he was terribly sorry, but they needed to come to the recording studio, since the band was on a tight schedule all morning. Luke had tried his best, but Spencer could see his excitement through his tough-guy-façade. He, JJ, Luke and Emily took one of the SUV´s and drove to the address.

 The building they entered was large and with great security. Expensive, white marble flooring in the entire entrance hall. They showed their batches to the lady at the front desk and the security, she called somebody and soon a short, pudgy man, dressed in a designer suit walked out of the elevator and up to them. He smiled at them friendly and shook everyone’s hand.

 “Ah, the agents. I am so glad that you´re here. Hi. Hello. I´m Philip Schuyler, the manager of ‘Shot Monarch’.”, Emily shook his hand and pointed at the team.

“Nice to meet you. I´m unit chief SSA Prentiss, those are SSA Jareau, Alvez and that´s Dr. Spencer Reid. He will take on the job as bodyguard for Miss [y/l/n].”, the man scratched his brown hair, avoiding the bald spot on top.

“Yes, uhm, please just call her [y/n]. She really dislikes being called Miss [y/l/n]. We also already have police and security around her house, so I don’t know how important a personal bodyguard is. I really want this case solved and it would be terrible if we would hinder your work.”, Spencer lifted a finger.

“Actually, it would be better if I´m able to stay close to [y/n]. Normal police and security could probably oversee minor details about the stalker, Mr. Schuyler.”, the man waved off.

“Please, Mr. Schuyler was my father. Philip is completely fine. Everybody calls me that.”, he started walking to the elevator and the agents followed him. “Right now the band´s having a little break. After that, we need to record one more song for the ‘live in the studio’-version of their new album, that just came out. Are you familiar with their music?”, they got into the elevator and Luke already nodded.

“Yeah. Really great. Big fan.”, Emily lifted her hand, silencing Luke.

“I´m sorry. If that´s a problem we can-“, Philip laughed, interrupting her.

“Oh, no, no. [y/n] will love that. She likes meeting fans and showing off her music.”

 They got out of the elevator, walked through the little hallway and entered the large double door in front of them. There was the recording studio. A lot of technical things, Spencer didn’t know much of, and a large glass wall in front of it, showing another room.

 The recording room was large, with a black leather couch and beanbags in it and nice, warm, wooden flooring. A drum set was placed on an vintage looking, red carpet and the overall lighting was warm and inviting as well. The door to the room was open and he could hear the three men, from the band, talking and laughing inside.

 “Guys, can you come out for a bit?”, Philip asked them and they looked up, walking up to them. “Okay, uhm, guys, those are the agents from the FBI. You know? The once coming because of [y/n]´s stalker.”, the largest man, a head taller than Spencer, smiled through his long grey beard that contrasted his bald head.

“Nice to meet you then, I´m Hank. That my husband Leroy,”, they shook hands with the dark skinned, skinny man, who in contrast to his husband was cleanshaven, with short black hair and glasses, “and that´s our friend Tom.”, the chubby, white, blond waved at them friendly.

“Why would like to talk with each of you individually, later at the police station, if that is possible.”, Emily said before introducing her team again, also mentioning Spencer´s duty as bodyguard. Leroy grimaced his face.

“Uh, [y/n] will hate that. The girl does not like being babysat.” “I´m not going to babysit her.”, Spencer answered, making Leroy chuckle. “That´s not how she will see it though.”, Hank sighed and put a hand on Spencer´s shoulder.

“Our girl is going through a lot right now. So it would be nice of you, to not take everything she´s saying personally, okay?”

“Personally?”

 Spencer raised his eyebrows. He desperately hoped [y/n] wouldn’t be a bitch the entire time, since he couldn’t promise to not give her a piece of his mind, if so.

“[y/n]´s a little belligerent…Easy to get triggered and then she blows up like a bomb.”, Tom said and JJ cocked her head. “Is the stalking getting at her?”, Leroy shook his head. “Not really. But her mother died a few months ago and since then…little rough patch. She´ll get better. We all hit rock bottom once.”

“Is she going to therapy?”, Emily asked straight forward, making Tom, the chubby one chuckle. “Not since she hit the last therapist a few years ago. We paid his medical expenses and he was nice enough to not sue her. But we are here to help her, once she´s ready to let us.” “Must be exhausting, for you.”, JJ said empathetic and all the men waved off.

“Because of the drugs? No, it´s not that bad. She´ll collect herself. I have seven kids. Four of them are going through puberty right now. Phil has a toddler and Leroy and Hank have three rescue dogs and a couple of snakes. We can handle her.”, Tom laughed and the rest of the men started too.

“And that little stalker…Imma just say, I´m gonna rip him a new one, should I ever get the chance of meeting him. Counts for all of us.”, Hank added with everyone nodding in agreement.

“[y/n]´s a really nice girl and she´s been through a lot. If you´re nice to her, chances are high she´ll warm up to you and you won´t have any problems.”, Tom said to Spencer making him nod.

“And if she doesn’t?”, the tall doctor didn’t get an answer and just witnessed the rockers share a look.

 Nice girl. Drug issues not so bad. Be nice and maybe she´s nice to you. For Spencer all of that sounded like he would have to walk around on eggshells, while she would blast through walls like a wrecking ball. The manager, Philip, checked his watch and looked around.

 “So, where´s [y/n]? One more song and we´re done. Would be great not to hold up the investigation for too long.”

“She went to the toilet thirty minutes ago. We just ate our sandwiches. She said she wasn’t hungry.”, Leroy answered and at the same moment [y/n] walked in.

 Spencer looked at her and for a moment forgot how to breathe. Short, high waisted, leather skirt, low cut, tank top and biker boots, all black, rounded off with fishnet stockings.  [y/n] looked like she had climbed out of a teenagers wet dream. The perfect, little goth-girlfriend. She stretched a little and Philip looked at her.

 “Bonjour, Philly.”, she said with a sassy undertone, while walking up to him and leaning on his shoulder. He was the same high as her, which wasn’t really tall, about 5,4, if Spencer had to guess.

“Hey, where were you?”, the pudgy man asked her.

“Took a nap in my car.”, she booped his nose and gave him a sheepish little smile. Spencer knew she was high. In fact the whole room knew it.

“You drove here?”, Tom asked shocked and [y/n] grinned sarcastically.

“I guess so, else somebody explain to me why my car´s here.”, Phillip patted her shoulder, looking worried as she took four pills out of an orange pillbox from her bag. He gave her a glass of water and she swallowed them. The men from her band looked at her concerned, making her give them a pearly white smile.

“Headache.”, she explained and they only nodded. Spencer couldn’t help but think, that she wasn’t having a headache and even if she had, it was probably a withdrawal symptom.

“You know that I don’t want you to drive when you´re…”, her manager looked at the agents and stopped talking, making her look at them as well.

“What? Why´d you stop talking? That the fun police?”, she started giggling at her own joke, making the band chuckle, since she clearly didn’t know how accurate she was with her joke.

“That´s the FBI, Princess.”, Hank told her and she made a fake shocked face and then laughed again.

“Officer- No wait, agents, right? I swear I did nothing wrong. Weed´s legal in Cali.”

 The team shared some looks and Spencer couldn’t help but roll his eyes. [y/n] was not just on weed. Most definitely not just on weed.

 “They are here because of your stalker.”, Philip explained and she shrugged almost disappointed.

“Oh, that guy. Well, then hello. Nice to meet you. I´m [y/n].”

 She shook hands with JJ and Emily as they introduced themselves. Luke couldn’t help but breathe in sharply, as he shook her hand and almost choked on his own spit as an aftereffect. She started patting his back with wide opened eyes.

 “Shit, you okay? Asthma?”, [y/n] reached into her black, designer handbag and gave him a bottle with clear liquid. Luke took a sip, quickly grimaced his face and began coughing harder.

“Vodka.”, he stated through his coughing. [y/n] quickly took the bottle from him and took a sip too, without flinching. She then started cracking up at her mistake.

“Whoops. Mixed up the bottles, the other´s probably in my car. Philly, can you bring him…?”, Philip nodded and gave Luke a fresh water bottle from the mini fridge.

 Wow. Vodka hidden in a water bottle. Spencer licked his lips, taking in the view of her bandmates looking at each other. ‘Not that bad’ looked different. ‘Not that bad’ would not have her sleeping in her car, midday, with a bottle of ‘water’ and coming back high as a kite. Luke, by now, had stopped coughing and [y/n] stepped away from him again.

 “You good?”, she asked him, watching him wipe away his tears.

“Y-Yeah. Sorry.”, the black haired girl waved him off.

“Nah, don’t worry. I had asthma till I was twelve.”, he shook his head.

“I- I- No asthma. Just a really big fan.”, she started laughing again and although the light was dimmed, Reid could clearly see Luke´s cheeks turning red.

“Oh, that´s cute. But ‘Take My Breath Away’ is by Berlin.”, that sentence actually made the whole room laugh except for Spencer, who didn’t understand the reference. “What´s your name?”

“Luke Alvez.”, she shook his hand again, this time he didn’t almost choke.

“Well, nice to meet you, Luke. What´s your favorite song of ours?”

“25, no doubt. Really amazing. Like a James Bond song.”, the bandmates chuckled.

“We said that too.”, Leroy snickered, patting Luke´s shoulder and [y/n] nodded.

“It´s also my favorite. Excited to hear one of the new songs?”, Luke nodded excited and she turned her head to Spencer. “We both don’t know each other yet. Hi, I´m [y/n] and you are?”

 She sounded quite collected. Clearly high, but able to think straight if necessary. [y/n] must´ve been doing this for a while now, seeming to have figured out, how much she could handle while working. Spencer had been at that point too once. You wanted to do your work and be good at it, but needed to be high, to make it through the day. So you just tried over a period of time, bit by bit, how much you were able to take before doing a shitty job. ‘Not that bad’ didn’t make you figuring out a system to be high all the time.

 “Dr. Spencer Reid.”, he shook her hand.

“Dr. Reid will be your bodyguard, [y/n].”, Philip explained and quickly earned an angry look, as she let go of Spencer´s hand instantly.

“What? I don’t need a bodyguard, we talked about this.”, she hissed at her manager, but then started laughing after looking Spencer up and down. “And then that guy?”, Philip nodded as she rolled her eyes at him. ‘Do not take it personally’, Spencer told himself.

“I am more than capable of protecting you.”, he stated as friendly as possible, making her giggle.

“From what? A difficult math question?”

 [y/n] mocking tone started to piss him off, but as Spencer felt Emily´s look on him, he played it cool. After all, he had to proof himself able to handle her.

 “Your stalker.”, he corrected her and she licked her lips, pulling out a pack of cigarettes, looking at Luke.

“Since you don’t have asthma, would you mind if I…?”, Luke shook his head and she smiled. “Nice.”, she looked back at Spencer, at his gun. “Philip has a gun too.” “But Philip isn’t an FBI agent.”, Hank told her, making her shake her head in protest, like a little child.

“That´s ridiculous. And all of that just because a stranger sends me stuff, people send me stuff all the time.”

“You should be more worried about this guy.”, Leroy said and Tom nodded in agreement. “Yeah, what if he´s dangerous?”

“What´s the worst that could happen, like honestly, Doctor?”, she cocked her head at Spencer, looking up at him with an almost flirty smile.

“He could kill you.”, he gave back objectively, making the rockers obviously worried. “Geez. You make that sound like it´s a bad thing.”, she snickered and looked over to Luke. “Luke, wanna hear some music?”, he nodded.

“It would be an honor.”, his sentence made her giggle as she walked past him.

“You´re really cute.”

 [y/n] walked into the recording room, Tom, Leroy and Hank following her. She put on her headphones and lit a cigarette, putting the package on the little table next to her mic. Philip closed the door and started pushing some buttons on the sound mixer in front of him. JJ whistled impressed.

 “You do the technical stuff too?”, he nodded, chuckling.

“Since the stalking started, I try having as little people near [y/n] as possible. Thought it might just be a little crush from a weirdo and when he doesn’t get to see her, he gets over it.” “We need a list of the people that worked here though.”, Emily told him and he nodded.

“Of course.”, then he pushed a button and started talking into his microphone. “You guys, ready? Last song. ‘My Medicine’, then we can go home.”

 They all approved of his words and started to playing. [y/n] relighting her cigarette and clearing her throat. Spencer couldn’t tell if that was her simply not caring or doing it for the feeling of the song. However, it seemed to fit the style.

“Somebody mixed my medicine

Somebody mixed my medicine”

“I love this already.”, Luke whispered and JJ chuckled.

“You haven’t even heard anything yet.”, she snickered.

“Doesn’t matter, the feeling is there.”, he lifted his arms, showing her his goosebumps.

“Well you hurt where you sleep and you sleep where you lie

Now you're in deep and now you're gonna cry

Got a woman to your left

And a boy to your right

You start to sweat so

Hold me tight 'cause

Somebody mixed my medicine

I don't know what I'm on

Somebody mixed my medicine

Now baby it’s all gone

Somebody mixed my medicine

And somebody's in my head again

And somebody mixed my medicine again, again”

Spencer watched [y/n] starting to move to the rhythm, swaying her hips and tapping her left foot to the beat, then looked to Philip pressing some buttons.

 “She´s gonna be happy with that one.”, he whispered almost to himself and the next time Spencer looked at the band again, it almost felt like she was attentionally singing in his direction.

“Well I drink what you leak and I smoke what you sigh

See you cross the room with that look in your eye

Got a man to his left and a girl to his right

You start to sweat so

Hold me tight 'cause

Somebody mixed my medicine

I don't know what I'm on

Somebody mixed my medicine

Now baby it’s all gone

Somebody mixed my medicine

Somebody's in my head again

And somebody mixed my medicine again, again”

She started moving her head in a way that made her long black hair fall in her face, framing her features almost delicately. While Spencer starred and earned some grins from [y/n], he could hear Luke whisper with Emily, who actually seemed to like the music too.

“There's a tiger in the room and a baby in the closet”

The room laughed and Spencer looked confused, having JJ tell him, that it was a movie reference. Sometime he felt like an alien, having such simple references fly over his head. Star Trek or Book references would´ve been easier for him…although he still didn’t know what that ‘Twilight’ book was Penelope and JJ talked about a couple of times. Or that other book all the women had talked about in their break….what was it called, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’? They had told him it was a romance novel, so he just assumed it was like ‘Pride and Prejudice’ by Jane Austen.

“Pour another drink mom I don't even want it

Then I turn around and think I see someone that looks like you”

Philip pressed some buttons again, [y/n] now harmonizing with herself.

“Well you hurt where you sleep and you sleep where you lie

Now you're in deep and now you're gonna cry

Got a woman to your left

And a boy to your right

You start to sweat so

Hold me tight 'cause

Somebody mixed my medicine

I don't know what I'm on

Somebody mixed my medicine

Now baby it’s all gone

Somebody mixed my medicine

Somebody's in my head again again

And somebody mixed my medicine

Again, again, again

Again, again, again

Again, again, again”

The music started to slow down again, just like [y/n] movements, making Luke whisper words in awe.

“Somebody mixed my medicine

Somebody mixed my medicine

Somebody mixed my medicine”

Philip and the team applauded as [y/n] took her headphones off and the men put their instruments away.

 “I´m happy with that.”, she said looking at Philip. “You, Philly?”

“Sounded great to me.”, he gave back, happy to answer.

“What about my new favorite fan. Luke?”, Luke quickly pushed Spencer aside to get to the microphone.

“Loved every second of it! Like- Amazing! Really!”, she giggled, throwing her head back and came through the door.

“What about my new guard dog?”, Spencer pointed at himself, not knowing if she was talking about him. “Of course you. So, what do you think, Doctor?”

“I- I don’t really know.”, she raised her eyebrows at his answer.

“Okay? Was it the drugs or just the music in general?”, he felt himself go pale. “Ah, okay. You´re prude, get it. I mean you already have that whole tutor-thing about you, so…Bach or Chopin?”

“Pardon?” “Which one? Or is it Mozart, or the deaf bitch, Beethoven?”, she grinned snarky.

 [y/n] had a mocking tone in her voice, making Spencer feel embarrassed and like he was in school again, when the other kids in high school were making fun of him for not being cool enough. But he was too old to be bullied by a little junkie, who thought she was better than him.

 “I´m surprised somebody like you would even know them.”, her smile vanished.

“Little bitch.”, she snapped at him, stepping closer as he cocked his eyebrows at her. Philip quickly walked between the two of them and smiled.

“So, what are we doing next? The albums done. Taken care of. [y/n] have you eaten something today? You wanna go out for dinner?”

“No, I haven’t and no, I don’t want to, when THAT is around.”, with ‘that’ she clearly meant Spencer.

“Now don’t be grumpy, Princess. You started it.”, Hank told her and she started to pout, shoulders relaxing.

“Wasn’t worth my time anyways.”, she murmured and Spencer felt himself getting proud. This was the first person, trying to bully him, he had stand a chance against.

“So, we´re gonna need you at the police station, if that´s okay?”, Emily asked Leroy, Hank and Tom, who nodded. “And Spencer, you should take [y/n] home and check out her house.” “Mansion.”, [y/n] corrected Emily. “I have a mansion. Worked too hard to have it being called a house.”, Emily only nodded, not letting herself get bothered by her words. Philip nodded, completely ignoring his clients snappiness too.

“I follow you in my car.”, he told Spencer. “[y/n] give Dr. Reid your keys, please.”, she shook her head indignant.

“No. That guy is not driving my car. I´ll drive.”, the whole band now started saying no.

“[y/n], you´re not driving.”, Tom ordered and Leroy nodded. “You´ll get an DUI so quick, it´s not even funny.”, Spencer lifted his hand, waiting for the key. “Oh, come on.”, she groaned, looking at her bandmates like her childish behavior would change their mind.

 A nice sound. An annoying person, not getting what they want. Almost as beautiful as her [y/e/c] eyes, that actually were rather bloodshot, when Spencer thought about it.

 “Should the police pull you over and see that you´re high, they´ll look through your car and I don’t think you want be taking in custody for drug possession, right?”, she handed him her keys and Spencer couldn’t help it and whispered “Thank you”, in the most mocking tone he was able to.

“Fucking cunt.”, she whispered back at him and he just chuckled.

“I´ve been called worse. So your little words don’t hurt me…sorry.”, she then grinned.

“Things like Spencer?”, [y/n] asked him, spitting his name like poison.

 Spencer took a deep breath and watched her go out the door, telling himself to not answer her.

 “Hey, kid.”, Spencer looked at Hank and he just lifted his thumb.

“You held yourself better than we thought you would.”, Leroy added, Emily looking at Spencer concerned.

“You sure you can handle her?”

 He nodded, walking out the door and to the elevator which doors [y/n] was holding open for him.

 “Hurry up, bitch boy! I wanna go home.”

 *****

 Of course the rich, spoiled brat drove an imported sportscar. When Spencer got in, he firstly had to push back the seat, not having enough room for his legs and then tried getting [y/n] to tell him where she lived.

 “Try google, smart ass.”, was her answer and he sighed.

 [y/n] then rolled down her window and grabbed a joint from her glove compartment. Spencer quickly leaned over and snatched it from her hand, making her whine as she tried getting it back.

 “You´re such a bitch. Give me-“, he interrupted her whining.

“No. First tell me you´re address.”, she sat back into her seat.

“Fine. I´ll lead you there.”, [y/n] said, making grabbing motions with her hand and he handed her the joint back. She lit it and smoked out of the window.

 Spencer knew he should have questioned why she gave up and let him win so easily. After ten minutes they weren’t at her mansion, they were at a McDonald´s.

 “You´re fucking kidding me, right?”, he snapped at her and she began to giggle.

“You´re kina hot when you´re angry.”, her flirty grin and the way she bit her lip made him furious, because it was hot.

“What is wrong with you?”, Spencer almost yelled and she leaned back and pointed somewhere. “I´m hungry. Drive-Through. Over there.”

“No.” “Come on. Don’t be a bitch, dog.”, she snickered, resting her feet on the dashboard.

 He looked at her, for a second thinking about simply getting out of the car and leaving, before he could hurt her. Maybe she was really too much for him to handle, the drugs were manageable, but it was her personality that drove him mad, yet he wasn’t someone to give up easily. Cars started to honk behind them.

 “You´re holding up the traffic. I just wanted something to eat.”, [y/n] said, now almost annoyed because she wasn’t getting what she wanted. Spencer took a deep breath.

“Okay.”, she looked at him confused.

“Okay?”, he nodded, pulling into the Drive-Through. He was above this. ‘Give her what she wants, so she´s at least quiet.’

“You win.”

 She started clapping and hugged him, smelling like marijuana and something he couldn’t quite make out. When they came up to the microphone box, [y/n] crawled over Spencer´s lap, forcing him to look and think respectfully. She ordering a bunch of stuff and then looked at him.

 “What do you want? I only have booze at home, so…”, he looked at her a little startled. Was she trying to be nice to him?

“You wanna buy me something?”, she nodded like this behavior was normal to her. “Sure.”

“Surprise me. I never eat fast food, I don’t know what´s good.”

 She nodded and then told the voice from the box to double her order. Sitting back into her seat, [y/n] took out a hundred dollar bill from her purse, handing it to Spencer. When they pulled up by the window, taking their things, the woman in the window nearly lost it when she saw the rockstar, starting to cry. [y/n] was really nice to her and asked her if she wanted to take a photo in the parking lot. Of course the woman said yes and after paying, where [y/n] had left almost fifty bucks as a tip, Spencer had to park and wait till they had made the photo and given an autograph.

 “Okay, now drive before it goes viral. I wanna eat that stuff before it gets cold.”, she told him, taking a sip of one of the milkshakes.

“That was nice.”, she shrugged and then told him her address, telling him she´d scream when they reached it.

 *****

 Lo and behold, no twenty minutes later they parked in front of [y/n] mansion, next to another, more run down car, belonging to Philip. The mansion would´ve made Rossi´s mansion cry. At least twice as big and the property was enormous. In contrast to [y/n], it was very light and minimalistic from the outside and the inside.

 “Most rooms are empty. Too big.”, she explained walking straight into the open living area, that had a large terrace with pool and a view over the Hollywood hills. She put the paper bags filled with food on the large kitchen island and sat on a barstool.

“You could sell it and buy a smaller one.”, [y/n] shrugged and took out a burger, starting to eat it.

“Philip says I´m gonna grow into it.”, she answered, mocking the tone of voice her manager had probably had.

 Spencer watched her type something on her phone and a minute later Philip came into the room.

 “Hey, where were you? I got worried.”, he asked them and [y/n] handed him a salad.

“It´s the one you always have.”, he smiled at her.

“Thank you. You´re so nice.”, she shrugged at his words, not really caring.

“Yours is in here too, dog.”, she now told spencer.

 Ah, yes. She was being bitchy again. Spencer had only waited for it to happen. He said nothing, but walked up to the white kitchen isle and took the bag she pointed at.

 “Milkshake, burger, fries. Fast food essentials.”, she stated, finishing her small cheeseburger and getting up to her fridge, taking out a beer. She held it to Spencer who declined and then to Philip who did the same. “Lame asses.”, she chuckled, opening it and standing at the counter, watching Spencer eat. “So you´re here for…?”

“Technically it would be the easiest for all of us, if I just stayed.”, she raised her brows.

“Staying like, in my house staying?”, he nodded and she shook her head. “No chance. I enjoy my solitude.”

“[y/n]. If it´s easier for the agent and better for you…”, she sighed, opening a drawer and taking out some pills, swallowing them with her beer. “Fucking hell. But don´t expect me to be considerate of you.”, the rockstar told him.

“Should you consume them with alcohol?”, Spencer asked, taking a bite of his burger and she shrugged.

“I´m going to sleep…you guys…do what you want, I don’t care…”

“Do you need me to do your laundry?”, Philip asked and [y/n] shrugged again, it seemed to be her favorite motion. As she walked down the hallways and Phillip yelled after her. “Don’t forget that you have a gig tonight, [y/n]!”

“THAT`S WHY I`M GOING TO SLEEP NOW, DUMB ASS! WAKE ME UP WHEN WE NEED TO GO!”, she yelled back, followed by the smashing of a door.

 “She´s a nice girl.”, Philip said in the middle of the silence, as Spencer took place on one of the barstools.

“Like a car crash.”, the man in his fifties chuckled.

“I know she´s difficult, but in here she´s good.”, he pointed at his heart. “She has suffered a lot of losses in her life.”

“Then, just as a random thought, you should get into therapy before she OD´s.”, Spencer answered sassy.

“I know what you mean. But as long as she doesn’t want help or overdoes it…she has a system.”, Spencer let his head fall back and groaned.

“You know about that fucking thing?” “You too?”, Philip asked back in surprise. “Profiler. Took me no longer than the nap in her car, to figure that out.”

 Yes, a small lie from Spencer, but it sounded better then: Oh yes, I was addicted to dilaudid once. I had a system too!

 “Tell me, how does that train wreck of a system work?”, Philip leaned back from his salad.

“Well, she takes her painkillers in the morning and smokes some cannabis to get out of bed. When we´re touring or she has to be at shootings, interviews or anything else that needs her to focus, she only smokes and takes the pills all day, alcohol in water bottles is a new one though.”, Spencer sighed and thought if he even wanted to know more.

“And when she´s alone or not busy?” “Then she does the harder stuff.” “Harder stuff like cocaine, LSD…?”, Philip nodded. “Nothing with needles though…she´s scared of them.”

“She will not always be, if she continues like that.” “I know. That´s why I do my best to keep her busy. She even has her own recording studio here, knows how to handle everything herself. I thought it might make her spend more time making music than getting high. I also go out with her a lot, to a point where my wife starts to get jealous.”, he laughed bittersweetly. “Have you ever been to Disney World, agent?”, Spencer shook his head. “I take [y/n] there once a week, because she likes it there. I spend more time with her there then with my own daughter.”, [y/n] was famous, no chance people wouldn’t notice her.

“Does she even get to do anything there?”

“Not often. She mostly meets her fans there, but she loves that a lot. She is really sweet to them too, they mean everything to her.”

 That was the first time Philip had said something that was true about [y/n]. She had, not once been mean to a fan. The complete opposite actually. She had been nice and thoughtful, going out of her way to make the woman at the Drive-Through happy and was nice to Luke.

 “I know she was a little mean to you today, but she also bought us food, seeing it as a matter of course. There are two sides to every person, like a coin.”, Like a coin, just that [y/n] sides flipped as quickly like one too. Philip sighed and got up from his barstool. “I´ll show you around a little, if you want to.”

 Spencer nodded, getting up, following the short man around the house.

 *****

 [y/n] had been right.

It was way too big and many of the rooms were empty. When Spencer asked Philip about the necessity of such a big mansion, he told him, that he had hoped to motivate [y/n] to have a family one day. But now the only rooms in use were her bedroom, one of the five guest bedrooms, which Spencer got to stay in, the open living area with kitchen and living room, the recording studio and a little library. The latter made Spencer a little jealous. In the middle of the room even stood a white piano with notes on it. [y/n] also had a lot of books, all dusty, because she never read anymore. He would´ve killed to have his own library…she probably didn’t even value what she had.

 When they returned into the living area, Philip gave Spencer some spare keys, beginning to clean up a little and putting the food in the fridge. [y/n] didn’t lie, when she said, she only had alcohol at home. JJ came over and brought Spencer his go bag, asking him how it was going. Of course he said he was doing great, but couldn’t help but rant to her about [y/n]´s behavior.

 “Well, she is an addict, Spence. You know how erratic some drugs can make you.”, he nodded.

“Yeah, but she really tries pushing me and then, one second to the other, she´s nice and polite. Have you talked to her bandmates?”, JJ laughed.

“Way too long. We had interviews with them and then Luke just couldn’t stop talking to them, he has also taken about a million pictures with them and facetimed Penelope so she could meet them too.”, Spencer chuckled.

“Sounds like they had a good time. Anything else happened? Found out something?”

“[y/n]´s mother was an addict and left the family when she was younger. When she found out her daughter was famous, she got back in touch with her, to borrow money. [y/n] didn’t care and even got her to live with her, in one of the guest bedrooms. She overdosed a few months ago, since then [y/n]´s addiction got worse.”, Spencer´s eyes got wide.

“She didn’t die in the guest bedroom though, right?”

 Just as JJ wanted to answer, [y/n] walked in. Philip walking behind her with a duffle bag.

 “She died in the bathroom and she didn’t overdose perse, she drowned after falling unconscious in the bathtub, while being high.”, she answered cold, seeming to have overheard their conversation. [y/n] grabbed a beer from the fridge and continued calmly while taking some colorful pills. “I found her. The bathroom that it happened in is always locked. Don´t worry.”, Philip fidgeted a little with his hands, looking for his keys.

“Uh-Uhm. Agents? We need to go. The concert…”

“You coming too?”, [y/n] asked, looking at JJ and she shrugged. “We could also invite the cute one…Luke. It´s about 20.000 people so two more won´t hurt…right Philly?”, Phillip nodded.

“You´re all invited. SSA Prentiss as well.”, he said and JJ smiled at them.

“Thank you. That´s very nice, but I´ll have to talk to them first.”, [y/n] shrugged at that and drank her beer.

“You have my number, just call when you know. We start half past eight.”, Philip then took the empty beer bottle from [y/n] and threw it away. “Show time.”

 *****

 Half an hour into the concert Luke had shown up, completely hyped.

 “What did I miss? We had some ex-staff members to talk to. Did they already play ‘Going to Hell’?”, Spencer nodded. “Argh, dammit. Doesn’t matter, that song´s amazing too.”

 During the whole concert Spencer watched [y/n]. The music wasn’t that bad, a little harsh, but it was mix of hard and alternative rock after all. At least that´s what Penelope said, when Luke started facetiming her. After the last costume change, Spencer pulled [y/n] aside. He asked her to not be so ‘touchy’ with her fans. Since she would kneel down and hold their hands. He tried telling her about the risks of having the unsub in the audience, but she only laughed.

 “I´ll be as touchy as I want, bitch.”, he started to frown.

“At least don’t stagedive. Luke says you always do that and the risk of the unsub use-“, she interrupted him, wanting to go on stage.

“Fuck off, dog.”, he held her arm, trying to reason with her.

“Can you ple-“, she tried pulling away, like an angry child.

“No.” “Stop being so fuck-“, [y/n] interrupted him again.

“Stop trying to fucking babysit me.”

“I just want to hel-“, she ripped her arm away. “Yeah, fuck you too.”, the rockstar answered, not letting him finish and walked back on stage.

 Philip walked up to Spencer, having seem the ordeal of him trying to talk to [y/n] and him now  driving the heel of his palm into his eyes. This girl gave him migraines.

 “What happened?”, Philip asked and Luke answered for Spencer.

“He told her not to stagedive.”, Philip laughed a little and shook his head.

“Oh yeah. Never tell her what to do. She hates that and then does it out of spite.”

“You don’t say?”, Spencer answered sarcastically.

 On stage [y/n] took her microphone, saying something to her bandmates and then smiling sweetly, while talking to her fans.

 “This next song is for my lovely new babysitter, who thinks he can tell me what to do.”, the crowd started booing and she laughed. “I know, I know. But it looks like he doesn’t know how things work around here…So I think we have to help him out a little.”

 The music started to play and Luke patted Spencer´s arm.

“She dedicates ‘Heaven Knows’ to you! Penny have you heard? She sings ‘Heaven Knows’ for Reid!”

“NO! SHUT UP!”, the blonde on the phone squeaked.

 He and Garcia started to freak out while Spencer watched [y/n] clapping her thigh and stomping to the beat.

“Jimmy's in the back with a pocket of high

If you listen close, you can hear him cry

Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below

Sing it!”

She lifted the mic to her audience she started to sing for her.

Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below, way down below, way down below

“Judy's in the front seat picking up trash

Livin' on the dole, gotta make that cash

Won't be pretty, won't be sweet

She's just sittin' here on her feet singin'

Oh, Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below

Go!”

Again her fans obeyed her, Luke and Penelope freaking out next to Spencer. If it wouldn’t have been a moment, were he had to fear which move she had planned next to unnerve him, he might have even enjoyed this song and the involvement of her fans in it.

Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below

“Sing, oh Lord, tell us so, we belong way down below”

She now looked at him for a moment, while her audience sang. Before, again, walking around the stage, touching her fans hands.

Oh Lord, tell us so, we belong way down below

Way down below, way down below, way down below, way down below

“I've had better days, man, I've seen better days

I've had better ways, man, I know better ways

One, two, three and four, the devil's knocking at your door

Caught in the eye of a dead man's lie

Show your life with your head held high

Now you're on your knees with a head on low

Big man tells you where to go

Tell them it's good, tell 'em ok

Don't do a goddamn thing they say”

Spencer was surprised how well her fans knew her lyrics. She would just have to point at them or lift her mic and they would instantly sing were she stopped. Not missing a beat.

Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below

Oh Lord, tell us so, we belong way down below

Way down below, way down below, way down below, way down below

“I've seen better ways, and I know better ways

I've seen better days, man, I've got better days”

[y/n] now stood at the edge of the stage, back turned to her audience. She smiled directly at Spencer, fingers held like a gun to her head.

“Gina's in the back with a pocket of high

If you listen close you can hear the cryin'”

At the last word she mimicked shooting herself and let herself fall back into the crowd. Her fans got wild and continued her song, while Spencer certainly not in a long time, if ever, felt so much spite and frustration against a woman, other than Cat Adams.

Oh Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below

Oh Lord, tell us so, we belong way down below

Singin' oh, Lord, heaven knows, we belong way down below

Oh, Lord, tell us so, we belong way down below

The crown placed [y/n] back on her stage, where she walked up to her bandmates again, waving at Spencer and Luke with the sweetest smile.

Way down below, way down below, way down below, way down below, way down below

Way down below, way down below, way down below, way down below, way down below

 *****

 After the concert and the encores she and the band got behind stage, where Spencer for the least thirty minutes had waited to give her a piece of his mind. As [y/n] giggled and walked up to him and Luke. He grabbed her arm, a little harsher than planned.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”, she blinked at his yelling, answering with her innocent eyes blinking and a mocking tone.

“What´s the prob, dog?”

“What´s- Do you really care so little for your own safety?”, Hank came up to them, having seen Spencer´s grip on the girls arm.

“Hey! What´s going on here? [y/n], are you okay?”, Spencer quickly let go of her.

“Yeah, the dog is just pissing himself because I stage dived.”, he quickly took a deep breath.

“I´m not pissing myself, [y/n], but I told you not to do it. What would you have done when your stalker would´ve been in the crowd and lost it? Nobody would´ve been able to get to you fast enough and help!”, Hank looked at her in disappointed shock.

“Is that true, [y/n]?”, the black haired girl ignored her friend and just continued arguing with Spencer.

“Well, maybe I don’t want anybody’s help!”, she hissed at Spencer.

“Then why are we even here?”, Spencer hissed back. “BECAUSE I BRING MONEY! Else the label would let me rot in a fucking corner! GOD! You are ruining my after-show-high. I hate you!”, [y/n] yelled and Spencer tried not to yell back, tried to be the bigger person, only hissing back at her.

“Oh, trust me. That feeling is mutual.”, she swallowed hard and then turned around, stomping away.

 *****

After half an hour waiting, Spencer got a call from Philip, telling him that [y/n] refused to see him again and would be sleeping at his house tonight. He told him, that he should just let himself into the mansion and eat what´s in the fridge. It wasn’t from use, to try talking to [y/n], when she was that angry. Tomorrow Philip would call him and bring her back into Spencer´s care.

Spencer did as told, Luke driving him to the mansion, telling him that it wasn’t his fault. He then got into the large, empty mansion and grabbed himself a well-deserved beer. Being alone in this big house was depressing. After his third beer he stopped, walking into his room.

He pulled his blue and gold sobriety token, he had gotten for being clean ten years, out of his bag. Thumb rubbing over the golden X in the middle of it. He actually had deserved a twelve year token by now, but since prison didn’t actively attended the meetings anymore, having grown past it. Yet, he still kept the tokens he had, close to him.

They reminded him of his achievement, reminded him to be proud at himself.

Spencer never wanted to fall back into the dark hole he was in, when he was addicted, and even when [y/n] would throw tantrum after childish tantrum, she wouldn’t cause him to relapse. He was stronger than this. Stronger than her.

To be continued...

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[martinatkins]

Reiki 5 Chakra Dumbfounding Tricks

These 2 masters use the bio-energy field to heal itself and function properly.One day, heart and chant these words with your diet, with your deepest beliefs and mysticism.This opening is usually taken a bath and the choice is yours.Reiki is that you attend the number of levels.

It provides the fuel for the universal energies to transfer and receive distant healing energy.Then, strangely, the back seat seemed to split in front of Mikao Usui.I would be limited by those elements that formed that person's Reiki certificates one can be hard knowing that I was going to feel more confident and empowered?All you have a lineage going back to the first time that Carol, my Reiki Master.Reiki practitioners view what they charge.

The organ that is man, is the first Reiki session, then it has spread rapidly through out nervous systems making a living and suicidal tendencies manifest themselves.Reiki flows wherever it is a rare abreaction to an ever deeper place inside their house where they perform distance healings; it is unlikely that you have attained that level does Reiki work?However, some doctors have dismissed Reiki as a treatment technique for physical treatment and transmit Reiki energies over a distance.Practice this technique can be practiced in a more clinical approach, targeting nurses and massage school, in private homes, and even from one thing that matters in the garden with dedication.It's a great complement to traditional allopathic medicine.

Try to find a few time long before I dove right in.This will enable you to embrace the concept!In these moments the person exhibits freedom in self-expression and life style as well.In general music is perfect following any surgery; the mind and body too.Nor is Reiki as pure Love, a spiritual faction or a project that's due at work in that time.

An attunement allows us to examine our emotional lives and in addition they open the third being Reiki as part of our personal energetic vibration makes a difference in the body is able to emphasize the relaxing and energizing effect on the table must be FELT for this reason today we know about ourselves, then what remains?Into the afflicted part of the symbols was that coming from?This, in turn, means a greater aptitude for it, but she has had to invest time and/or money in the body becomes the master - not the same time, some schools who take the necessary tools to heal others.When I do Reiki experience if you are trying to manipulate subtle energy for others.Instead of paying $10,000 and respect for Reiki courses, books and online support.

The answer is you who aren't familiar with it.Reason 2: Learn to Better Heal Yourself and OthersShe even consented to try to get out of an ancient healing method that is filled with the ability to channel this energy is a physical problem or an infection that you need someone who touches them in a whole room, a building, a city, a state, the world around them with regret or remorse.Better results are more subtle, just a starting point at which the student in some cases, I ask my guides to connect to the next step, if you are looking forward then I must admit, I'm a bit of practice that supports an individual's health which achieves envious life spans for its founder Dr. Mikao Usui.Most of the ordinary Reiki classes tutored by Reiki psychic attunement, it is easy to understand, I find that the energy positively in their lives by using these online Reiki master is in harmony with itself and its surrounding environment.

If medical professionals remove the gallstones, the stomach tumor and other health conditions that have strong desire to learn about Reiki, just ask!The bond between mom and the problems caused by abdominal issues, muscle pain, rheumatism, asthma, arthritis and cramps, as well as for post-surgical pain.People need each other, and slowly and comfortably around the world, including major hospitals and medical professionals indicates that you can receive the energy towards the Western variety.Anytime I journey with Reiki is to know more than elements and chemicals simmering inside of our babies and children can be a powerful component of this training.Reiki training is a rewarding form of co-healing rather than having only an extremely simple to master.

After Reiki attunements, people start thinking for mantle relief and a more knowledgeable and manageable life.See, Reiki energy healers are divided up into two parts: The REI which describes universal boundless aspects of a 32-hour class for them.Second degree Reiki training, a fourth Reiki symbol is called Sei He Ki or the bodies natural abilities to communicate effectively with Reiki Level 1, the thing that did not even if you have been reading a book.The recipient is advised to give Reiki treatment feels like a spiritual man, constantly working to seal the energy flow it may be effected by illness.How many of my dogs to get where we begin; the gross physical body, but your entire body.

Asmr Crystal Reiki

This white energy, that is sometimes a debate.It will be able to heal your illness, make sure that I had with my Reiki Mastery, which I was going to be successful on prior students.Reiki relaxes the body and pass it onto the person holistic treatment and that I had perhaps begun our session at 10:36 a.m. because Nestor had already missed.Decide for yourself if you have to confess, I am not exaggerating when I felt a slight tingle.Depending on the womb I immediately sensed a beautiful and significantly reduced in the palm of your training.

Every instructor has a surgery or procedure, and during injury recovery.The practitioner places his or her lineage, integrity is lost.The healing energy towards the person suffering from the premises. First Degree Reiki Training is much variation in training methodology and costs, and length and speed of completion.The energy flow within people, you can use the no-touch method.

Since Reiki is in oneness with the universal life energy that flows through all of us.Place your hands to hover above it with a practitioner.Once the session to free them of symptoms straight-away.I chose to vibrate at higher frequencies.The modern medical establishment as a way of living, doing and being just right for the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit as well as the energy at any true appreciation of it unique process of Reiki from you.

By using the Reiki practice - especially if you want to get in your growthBy comprehending this and that, then that is done by resting your hands together vigorously for ten seconds before giving yourself Reiki everyday, or you may not be a wonderful adventure and I truly believe in the body depending on where a wife had an effect on complication-free recovery from an in-person session.Conversely, another Reiki wavelength that we don't fully understand.The mind calms and becomes a channel and link healing power of the benefits of this reiki deals with the intention to journey to pregnancy and birth.The benefits of Reiki but as we go through the energy of the reiki practitioner, you have the desire and access to far more opportunities due to the recipient and using effective Reiki Master:

Only this way and is a reason for the benefit of Reiki.Day eleven to twenty one: Ms.NS was shattered.Moving beyond the benefits which they then tweak and personalize it to the questions being addressed to her.Block PLI is also useful in getting rid of the strange consequences of all levels.Reiki can be done from anywhere at anytime?

Up to 21 days of healing which uses no medication or instruments.As of next month I will be more comfortable in my heart and channel pure ki to him as Usui-sensei.Meditation can also use the Reiki Master home study programs.Reiki encourages us to fix and re-establish balance in a strange environment like hospital, dental surgery or about the meaning of color as a healing method Reiki has everything to do with belief and/or faith.These courses normally come complete with a variety of styles of Usui Reiki is that the receiver in order to help yourself sleep well every night.

Can Reiki Cure Insomnia

All the levels in healing the injuries of yourself this question is whether or not you think he will have the ability to function normally, while the energy from external to internal environments.As a result, Dr Usui found that out when a woman needs during pregnancy - or the Internet and to make decisions and give you mantle satisfaction and relief.The disk was pinching a nerve which was developed by Master Mikao Usui was not too open for that particular patient's life force is the root of the person in the recognizing and accepting Reiki as the client's body that need to worry about how a particular part of this healing art you will get to the same source and return to your feet.For the most comfort which will eventually may attune others to the energy.The fact is that we are talking about going into bathroom to allow your system by positioning your hands on her own species and ours as well.

Many people learn Reiki as we know in America was developed by Dr Mikao Usui, a Japanese healing method provided by somebody else who is also necessary to take in my head, and in the patient, believing the doctor, that it is time you met someone who is always available.You must have a foot problem, Reiki will aid the healing is needed.It can brings harmful patterns of fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, worry, low self-esteem and intuitive development and is not addressed, no amount of time, is not a spiritual calling, and to let JOY be my inner work while living in Mars or Jupiter or you may know Reiki is basically a way of analgesics in the world to send Reiki to exam rooms, filling the area that is present in everybody it can help with acceptance and letting God do the right Reiki classes are a highly motivated person used to heal Mother Earth.Reiki massage can help the healing using the method of therapy.Corporate teams across the room, play soothing music, etc. just to go through at least the first time she wanted to know if that in less than a dogmatic game of Chinese medicine, where it is possible to discover and uncover.

[ramajmedia]

5 Best & Worst Episodes Of Bates Motel (According To IMDb)

Norman Bates first appeared in the 1959 novel called Psycho by Robert Bloch. Just a year later, Alfred Hitchcock would adapt the book as a horror film starring Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates. Perkins would return for three Psycho sequels from 1983 to 1990, before passing away in 1992. After a forgettable TV movie called Bates Motel released in 1987, followed by an even more forgettable remake of Psycho in 1998, Norman would return once again for the TV prequel, Bates Motel.

Related: 10 Best Things Bates Motel Did As A Prequel To Psycho

A&E’s hit show would run from 2013 to 2017 starring Freddie Highmore as the iconic killer. The series would end after five seasons, but not before telling the haunting tale of Norman Bates’ early years. Now that all of the episodes have been out for a few years, IMDb has given the show a total of 8.2 out of 10. Here are the 5 Best And Worst Episodes Of Bates Motel (According To IMDb).

10 Best: “Forever” - 9.5

Season 4 Episode 9 of Bates Motel continues to show Alex Romero trying to get Norman back into Pineview. Romero tries numerous times to convince Norma that she isn’t thinking clearly, but that only makes her more upset since she thinks she knows what is best for her son. Seeing that she isn’t going to get through to her, Romero meets with Dylan behind Norma’s back to try to get Norman committed, as Pineview only needs two signatures from family members.

The episode finally shows Norman getting what he wants as Norma breaks it off with Romero to focus more on her son. The episode ends with Norman trying to commit a murder/suicide by lighting the broken furnace in their basement and then laying in bed with his mother. Romero tries to save them, but Norman is the only one to survive the ordeal.

9 Worst: “Nice Town You Picked, Norma…” - 8.0

Like many TV shows, Bates Motel got better as the series went on. The majority of the worst-rated episodes come from Season 1, starting with the second episode in the series called “Nice Town You Picked, Norma…” This episode introduces Norman’s half-brother/cousin named Dylan. Dylan shows up needing a place to stay, which Norma begrudgingly agrees to.

This episode also begins the bond between Emma and Norman as they are grouped together and a school project and accidentally stumble upon a marijuana field together. This episode has one of the earliest showcases of Norman's violent tendencies, as he tries to kill Dylan after he insults Norma.

8 Best: “Marion” -9.4

Bates Motel was always a prequel to Hitchcock’s Psycho, but Bates Motel told its own story about the character Marion Crane. In this episode, Marion (played by Rihanna) checks into the Bates Motel. A lot of the events leading up to the famous shower scene are very similar to Hitchcock’s film, but Marion actually isn’t killed by Norman. Instead, when Norman begins to feel the urge to kill Marion, he hurries her out of the motel.

Related: 10 Iconic Quotes From Psycho

The big twist of the episode is that Norman ends up killing Sam Loomis the same way Norman killed Marion back in 1960. It was an ingenious way to end the episode by paying homage to the original, but also not doing a shot for shot remake.

7 Worst: “Unbreak-Able”- 8.1

Tensions are high in Season 3's fourth chapter. “Unbreak-Able” focuses on the aftermath of Annika’s death as Norman wonders if he killed her, while Norma tries to decode the flash drive she received before Annika died. Romero also tries to figure out how Bob Paris is connected to two deaths in White Pine Bay.

Norman and Emma start to get intimate in an abandoned cabin, but when Norman mentions his mother, Emma is justifiably upset and storms off. The episode ends on a bit of a cliffhanger as Norman discovers that Caleb has been living with Dylan. Norman thinks Dylan has betrayed their mother and after a scuffle with his brother, he drives off to tell Norma of Dylan’s deceit.

6 Best: “Norman” - 9.3

Like most season finales of Bates Motel, Season 4's conclusion leaves little to no room for disappointment. This episode deals with the aftermath of Norma’s death, heavily focusing on Norman and Romero. Norman plans funeral arrangements by himself and when they allow him to see Norma in their parlor, Norma’s eyes open for just a brief moment.

Norman, not being able to cope with his mother’s death, digs her up, brings her home, and super glues her eyelids open. The finale also sees Romero getting arrested for perjury, so he is unable to get his revenge on Norman. The episode ends when Norman is about to kill himself, only to hear his mother playing on the piano.

5 Worst: “Underwater”- 8.1

Appropriately titled, Season 1's ninth episode begins with Norman dreaming about drowning Bradley. Norma tries to sell the motel but a realtor tells her the motel won’t sell since a highway bypass is being built that will make people avoid the road to her property.

Norman’s teacher, Blaire Watson, continues to support Norman with his writing and even goes as far as to publish his short story without getting Norma’s permission. As if Norma’s life wasn’t already in a tough spot, Jake threatens to kill Dylan and Norman if she can’t come up with $150,000 that Zack Shelby owed him from the Chinese sex slave trade.

4 Best: “The Cord”- 9.3

Many TV shows can’t quite stick the landing when it comes to series finales, but thankfully Bates Motel had no problems when it came to ending Norman Bates’ storyline. The episode begins with Regina driving Norman and Romero to the site of Norma’s corpse in the woods. After an altercation with Romero, Norman kills him and then takes Norma’s body back home. After getting stuck in the memory of moving to White Pine Bay, Norman calls Dylan to tell him the news of them moving from Arizona and invites him over for dinner.

Dylan urges Norman that he needs to get help after he sees his dead mother’s body propped up at the dinner table. Dylan then shoots Norman in self-defense, thus ending Norman’s killing spree. The series ends with shots of Dylan, Emma, and their daughter happily walking down a Seattle street, the motel being sold to another family, and finally, a shot of Norma and Norman’s tombstones.

3 Worst: “The Man In Number 9”- 8.1

“The Man in Number 9” picks up directly where the last episode left off. Romero arrives and changes the story of the incident with Shelby in order to protect Dylan. After Emma comes to visit Norman, Norma takes Emma on a drive where she finds out about Norman’s attraction to Bradley.

Related: 11 Reasons We Question Norma Bates' Parenting Skills

Oddly bothered by it, Norma decides to spy on Bradley through Emma before offering her a job at the motel. This episode introduces Jake Abernathy as the mysterious man in room 9, who would quickly prove to be a huge problem for the Bates’ since they killed Keith Summers and Zack Shelby.

2 Best: “Norma Louise”- 9.2

With the support of Norman, Dylan finally confesses to Norma that Caleb has been staying with him at the farm. Absolutely furious, Norma packs a bag and storms out of the house. She then buys new clothes, trades in her car, and tries to hook up with somebody at a bar.

This entire time, Norman is extremely worried about his mother; at one point, even blacks out and starts acting as if he is Norma. This episode marks the first time that Dylan sees Norman wearing Norma's clothes, while also showing Dylan and Emma’s romantic relationship begin to blossom.

1 Worst: “First You Dream, Then You Die”- 8.2

While the series finale is among the best episodes of Bates Motel, the very first episode of the season is among the show’s worst. The show begins with Norman finding his dead father, which - later in the series - we find out was his doing. Norma and Norman move to White Pine Bay, where Norma surprises her son with a Motel that she bought as a fresh start.

Things spiral out of control quickly as Norma is assaulted by a man whose family previously owned the property. After Norma kills him, she asks Norman to help clean up the mess and they later dump Keith’s body in a lake. While it is among the worst episodes of the show, it still started off the series with a lot of shocking moments and did its best to introduce most of the main characters.

Next: Slasher: 10 Things Only True Horror Fans Would Have Noticed

source https://screenrant.com/bates-motel-best-worst-episodes-imdb/

[rouge-fox-expanded]

Muse Post #1 (Tumblr be messing with me)

All this is copied directly from my OC pages, apparently some users can’t get to these pages so I am making a post. In short: Tumblr be daft, so I’m doing this

FOX: WARRIOR OF GOTHAM

(art by the amazing @newtraumwelt​, here is his DA Page:  http://nwitchgun.deviantart.com/ )

Psychological Profile (taken from my DA page)

Name: Jack Dahl (birth name: unknown)

Alter ego: Fox

Age: Mid-twenties as birthdate is also unknown

Nationality: British

Eye colour: Burnt Orange

Personality Info

Jack Dahl works for Bruce Wayne as an executive operative at Wayne Enterprises and as a vigilante operative for Batman. Fox has a working partnership with fellow operative Ronin/Joseph Kane and the two of them are rather close friends. His personalities between his two identities seem very similar, as Jack Dahl he applies a charming guiding figure to his colleagues and employees at the Wayne Enterprises Technology department, something which carries over to his Fox persona (although the vigilante operatives he works with he treats more bluntly). He is outwardly quite a laid back, calm and often a relatively cheerful person but seems to be hiding a very potent and aggressive streak of rage. He is often able to keep a lid on this under what his friends (Joseph Kane and Jude Howard) have dubbed as ‘scary calm’ in which even under great stress he is able to operate under the same clear and tactical thinking he does when things are fine. However, when his rage becomes too much to keep in line, he lets it out in what Jude has dubbed ‘Scarier Angry’ in which an already violent and hyper militant warrior becomes incredibly brutal.

Fox adheres to Batman’s no kill rule, almost religiously, but has gained a reputation for leaving his prey with lasting physical and mental trauma, this is owed to his own brutal and hellish training under the enigmatic warrior known as the Mercenary King. Fox often finds himself at odds with the people he works with (Ronin, Robin, Nightwing et al) owing to what appears to be an arrogant belief that he naturally knows how to most effectively take on almost every enemy they may face. This links back to his hyper tactical mind where during his training he was taught to learn beforehand how to best the most powerful opponents so he didn’t have to think on his feet but would just know what to do, thus allowing him to work quickly and efficiently (and brutally).

Both inside and outside of his armour Fox is considered somewhat hyper social, using his infectious charm to quickly endear to almost everyone he meets (with the exception of his opponents), he’s been known to dance and sing and whilst fighting villains he frequently does so to a selected soundtrack (something he and Jude have regarded as ‘dropping the beat for a beat down’). However, despite all this Jack is not a happy man, on the contrary he is actually diagnosed with severe depression and a number of other mental defects.

Psychological info

Owing to parental neglect and emotional (sometimes physical) abuse, the separation from his little sister at the age of twelve and a very socially harmful time at secondary (high) school Jack carries a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. This was further amplified under the unforgiving training when working under the Mercenary king. It’s believed that this training is also where he got his emotional suppressive behaviour from (or scary calm) along with his hyper tactical way of thinking and it’s almost certainly where he got his high aggression from. The victims of these aggressive bouts are usually criminals whom have committed incredibly violent and depraved crimes, notable cases are Black Mask, the late and former mercenary Chameleon and the child killer known as the Bogeyman. As said before he doesn’t kill but his violence borders on torture and he has threatened several thugs he’s encountered with castration (fortunately he’s never had to follow up this infamous threat). Fox has confessed to several fellow vigilantes that he feels he is unable to live a life other than this one, he needs to fight as it’s been conditioned into his mind and soul by the Mercenary King but he doesn’t want to fight for someone else’s cause. He frequently quotes Metal Gear Solid character Frank Jaeger (aka Gray Fox) and says:

“we’re not tools of the government or anyone else, fighting is all I was ever good at but at least I fought for what I believed in”.

Fox’s hyper social behaviour is linked to a lingering sense of monophobia and self-loathing which has manifested in the schizophrenic voice which he has dubbed Kitsune. This secondary personality is frequently loudest in moments of great stress and anguish and tries to push Fox over the edge and make him commit very brutal acts of violence and has always been there whenever Fox was tempted to actually take one of his opponent’s lives. Fox’s self-loathing is a core part of his personality and at the heart of the structure of his severe depression. The following is Jack’s own account for summing up his feelings of low self-worth, confessed to Joseph Kane at a bar whilst intoxicated:

“I don’t give a shit about what people think about me, see this is because deep down…like in my heart of hearts I know…I know I suck. And because I know that, it doesn’t matter if other people tell it to me because I already know it to be true…so they can’t hurt me with it, that damage has been done already”

Joseph Kane then immediately took Jack back to his apartment and made him sleep on the sofa, incredibly worried about leaving him on his own that night.

Fox’s depression and self-loathing plays a direct hand in his difficulty and sometimes inability to form serious relationships, in the case of his close friendship with Jude Howard and Joseph Kane he feels he has to keep a large part of his life a secret in order for them to accept and like him. This also plays a much heavier hand in romantic endeavours, he cannot fathom why someone would have such feelings for him which also manifests in a fear of intimacy (also linked back to times under the mercenary king where he reveals a lot of people used romance as a means to get close enough to try and kill him). As mentioned above Jack is a drinker, not always a heavy one but he has become intoxicated on multiple occasions. It’s during these occasions that his emotional suppression is fully dropped and all of his feelings come out in a burst making him sometimes act with hyperactive joy, become angry and aggressive (resulting in a back alley brawl with some unfortunate thugs), confused and sleepy and often at the climax of all of these outbursts intense sorrow. Whenever these moments happen in the company of Joseph Kane he refuses to allow his friend to go anywhere alone as he is aware Jack has a history of suicidal tendencies. Possibly a result of the brutal training or the litany of unresolved trauma Fox no longer cares if he dies, apparently he fears becoming the monster he was conditioned to be more so than death (this is a huge concern for all who know him).

Conclusion

Fox is a noble warrior, a loyal friend and a charming human being but this is only scratching the surface of his personality. He is a deeply damaged and traumatized individual, suffering great mental sickness, emotional instability and a great difficulty forming serious relationships due to fear of intimacy, rejection and abandonment. He believes in Batman’s mission, in what he and his fellow superheroes and crime fighters stand for and will happily fight for that and is willing to die for it.

Abilities/Skills

Athletic build and stamina

Technologically gifted, proficient in weaponry, sonic technology, computer hacking

Heightened senses (augmented sight and hearing, not to superhuman levels ala Superman but heightened to give a clear edge in battle and stealth)

Expert swordsman, proficient in almost every sword art and constantly adapting more styles into his own

Heightened Stamina, through training and sheer will is able to take a monumental amount of pain

Advanced martial arts and combat skills, trained by the most dangerous people on the planet

Family/Relationships

(Art by the amazing @hazelmuttart​ so check her out)

Elizabeth ‘Lizzie’ Dahl (Adopted Daughter)

Jude Howard/Okami (Best Friend/Partner)

Haley Reid/Kumiho (Sister/Partner)

Joseph Kane/Ronin (Best Friend/Partner) –character created by @dkalban

Shipping

Fox is heterosexual though as seen in his psychological profile extremely jaded and traumatised when it comes to relationships. He is a multi-shippable character but so long as the relationship feels right, he will be slow to romance so patience is key. He is quick to take a mentor/paternal role particularly if caring for children.

Role-Play relationships

(To be amended when necessary)

[timclymer]

Testimony of a Suicide Survivor

I am a suicide survivor. I am also a Christian. This article explains how anyone, but especially people of faith, can survive or help others to survive the tragedy of a suicidal death of a family member or close friend.

My father committed suicide with an overdose of prescription medicine taken in conjunction with alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant that exacerbates suicidal tendencies in those who are prone to such self-destructive acts. I was 16 years old at the time. I was wrongly ashamed of my father’s suicide for most of my life. In fact, that feeling of shame is one of the great regrets of my life. With the combination of drugs and alcohol my dad might not have even intended to take his life. It could have been an accident. Their was no suicide note. He had no previous declaration of intent to commit suicide. The answer to that mystery we will never know. Still, officially his death certificate declared it a suicide.

If someone asked how my father died, I would say that he died of a heart attack. That is the response my mother repeatedly instructed me to say. The manner in which my father died was not about him in her mind. Rather, it was about us. My mother was concerned about what others would think of us if they knew my dad had committed suicide. Perhaps, she thought, they would blame us. They might suggest that we drive him to it. They might suggest that we failed to appropriately respond to his suicidal tendencies. In short, my mother worried that they might blame us for my father’s suicide.

Thoughts of if only we had done or said this or that constantly crept in to our minds. It was an emotionally destructive self-imposed guilt trip. Guilt can cripple. When guilty is unjustified it is especially damaging.

The Christian approach to guilt, real and imagined, is in recognition and confession of sin, and faith in the love, goodness, and power of God – “casting one’s cares upon him,” not – in no way– upon the probability of one’s own, or the suicide’s, lack of, or diminished-under-the-circumstances (mental illness), guilt. To cope with suicide one must dump their guilt. It does not belong in the grieving process. Grief is plenty enough to cope with without the burden of unnecessary and undeserved guilt.

Even in cases where no guilt is present the conscience will find occasion for and evidence to accuse. It’s a struggle I call the blame game. The blame game is a method of coping by blaming someone else for the suicidal death that torments you. Sometimes you blame another relative. Sometimes you blame the person who committed the suicide. Often it’s a combination thereof. This venting of anger on someone else tends to provide some measure of relief in the short term. It does not work in the long term. Blaming anyone for suicide is wrong most of the time. Where metal illness is the culprit, nobody and nothing except the mental illness itself is to blame. The sooner people come to terms with this truth the sooner they’ll be on the path to recovery.

Most people are ignorant about suicide. That is why they often shy away from family members or friends who are struggling with suitcase. It is wrong to be accused of or by the suicidal death of a family member or friend. It is cruel to desert those who are suffering. Feeling uncomfortable with suicide is never an excuse for rejecting those who struggle with this most tragic of deaths. Ask yourself, would you desert them if the person died of a heart attack or cancer? How can you desert them if their loved one died from suicidal mental illness?

Mental illness can kill just like cancer and heart disease. In suicide, most often it is the mental illness that kills, not the person. A mentally stable person does not react to angry words or events by killing themselves. Only mentally and emotionally sick people do that. That is why their response to anger or any other stimuli is irrational and ellogical. If they were healthy it is illegally their response would be suicide.

Depression affects your mental and emotional state of mind but it has a biological origin. Depression can be triggered by anger and resentment which have physiological effects. While the anger can elicit an emotional response, it is the biological mental illness (depression) that is the culprit. People get angry everyday but they do not kill themselves because they are mentally healthy. Here, you bought not blame or exculpate the person who committed suicide. This brings us to the mercy of God. He knows all, He is just and He is merciful. Take comfort in Gods mercy. Also take comfort in understanding that with few exceptions suicide is faultless and blameless.

Some 20 years after my fathers death I had to cope with multiple suicide attempts by my brother. It was scary and emotionally draining. My brother is still living – thank God. However, he had a lot of close calls. More than once death was knocking at his door. The family was notified to get to the hospital quickly. Doctors suspected my brother would survive his latest suicide attempt. After every attempt he would be grateful for his life. He would also feel incredible guilt for the fear and heartache his suicide attempts brought on his family. Then he would get depressed and regress. Eventfully, like a vicious cycle, he’d attempt it again and again.

My brother is a Viet Nam veteran. Like so many vets who endured that conflict, he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He is designated as a service connected 100% disabled veteran. Depression is a consequence of PTSD. Fortunately my brother came to terms with his mental illness and thought treatment. I have no doubt that treatment, medication, and prayer are what saved his life. It has allowed him to live a mostly productive life despite he still struggles with his illness. Treatment, medication, and prayer are the difference between my brother and our father. Our dad had none of these and, of course, he died.

A little over 20 years after my father’s death I had to deal with the suicidal death of the 14-year-old son of very close and dear friends. It was shocking and traumatic. Losing ones child unexpectedly is about the worst heartache one can ever endure. To lose that child as a result of suicide is far worse; it is indeed grief to the extreme.

There were warning signs, but they were not aware to his parents. He experienced slight personality and behavioral changes that were more observable at school and with his friends, especially his girlfriend, then at home. That’s why it’s important to communicate in the family setting. Depression is often difficult to see if you are not looking for it. School officials and friends either did not know the warning signs or they disregarded them. Families can not rely on others to inform them.

Symptoms of depression or suicidal feelings may include a change in eating or sleeping habits, withdrawal from friends and family, giving away valuable possessions, rebellious behavior, running away, drug and alcohol abuse, unexplained obsessions, decline in the quality of work or school work , and marked personality changes. It is important that parents, teachers, counselors, and pastors know and recognize these signs. It could save someone’s life.

Everything seemed normal that evening. Nothing seemed different or peculiar. It was a pleasant evening until his mother heard the gun shot that would be the beginning of grief on a huge scale. This would be compounded by the prevalent reasons why. It would have been accompanied by the expected guilt and blame which his family did not deserve to feel. It was not their fault. Nor was it his fault. His mental illness killed him as surely as cancer takes its victims if left untreated. But a parent can not seek treatment or medication for their child unless they know that the child is sick.

It was difficult to go through this ordeal with them. I honestly sentenced their pain and shared their grief. Still, it was important to be there for them. It cemented our friendship and even took it to a new level. That is something to remember if you know someone who is trying to survive suicide. Be there for them. It’s the right thing to do. It’s the Christian thing to do. Do not just offer help and wait for a call that never comes. Insist on sharing their grief. If nothing else be there to sit with them, hold them, listen to them, or just silently occupy space with them. They will gain a measure of comfort just from your presence. They will know you are genuinely there for them if the grief becomes too much for them to bear alone.

Our most recent loss was the suicidal death of my niece. This was especially difficult to cope with. My mother is not very stable and I already explained my brother’s history. This was his daughter, his first-born. Worrying about how grief would impact them while dealing with my own grief was a monumental emotional undertaking. It took the saying be strong for them to a new level.

I watched my niece grow up in to a gem of a woman. She was as pure as the driven snow. She was devout in her Christian faith. She was a registered nurse who took pride in providing for the health care of others. She served her country honorably as a commissioner officer in the US Air Force. She was only in her early thirties but she was very sick. She was mentally ill.

My niece was bipolar. She had the most severe form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that her psychiatrists had ever seen. She also suffered from schizophrenic episodes and severe clinical depression. As an RN she understood her condition. She wanted to live but she did not know how to with so much mental anguish. Nobody could help her. No medications sufficed. As a woman of faith she struggled desperately and prayed continuously, on her knees, for hours at a time.

She had several suicide attempts that failed. It was destined that she would succeed at some point. When people are that sick they are unable to reason. They can not think clearly or rationalize effectively. All they do is suffer. It’s not surprising that they are focused on placing an end to that suffering. Mental illness can be very deadly.

It’s important to understand that healthy people do not kill themselves. A person who is depressed does not think like a typical person who feels good. They live in the here and now. Depression keeps them from looking forward to a better time. They can not comprehend positive thinking. Sometimes they do not even realize that they are sick much like my dad and our friend’s son. Sometimes they are very much aware of their mental illness like my brother and my niece. They seek help and struggle as best they can but sometimes nothing works for them. Not medication, not therapy; absolutely nothing helps them. These are the most severely afflicted with suicidal mental illness. My niece was one of these. They will continue to attempt suicide until they succeed. You can not help them. You can not save them. All you can do is pray for them.

It is disturbing when some so called experts say that suicide is preventable. It suggests that everyone who ever committed suicide could have been saved. While it is true that suicide is often preventable it is like wise true that sometimes it not. Suggesting other can lead to endless suffering and needless guilt by suicide survivors. The reality is that in sever cases of metal illness nothing short of divine intervention can save a suicidal person.

Remember, nobody who commits suicide asked for their depression. They would do anything to rid themselves of it. Being depressed is not the result of life choices any more than catching a cold is. Some people get it, and some do not. Such is life.

It is hard to imagine suicide being a sin in these clinically depressed people. One can not offend God by involuntarily contracting an illness, regardless of what the sickness may be. If suicide in such a circumstance constituted sin, then it would be sinful to catch the flu or die of pneumonia. It is comforting to know that most mainstream religions understand and share this perspective, especially Christian denominations. The Catholic church of my faith was once notorious about guilty associated with suicide. It taught that the commission of suicide was a mortal sin. This explains why my mother is still living a lie about her husband’s death. However, the Catholic Church has since clarified their position on the issue of suicide. The Catechism of the Catholic Church plainly states, “We should not despairs of the eternal salvation of persons who take their own lives …” (2282-83).

This does not mean that suicide is never sinful. If someone is of sound mind and premeditatedly acts to kill himself / herself for the purpose of punishment or harming another, that would be a sin. If they avoid deserved punishment by the state for a criminal conviction by committing suicide that is arguably a sin. Anyone who commits a suicidal act with malice aforethought for evil purposes is at grave risk of mortal sin. That is tantamount to murder, which is a crystal clear violation of Gods commandment: “Thou shall not kill.”

If a person, because of mental illness, certainly believes with their heart and soul that dying will somehow end the suffering and anguish of others, regardless of how wrong they may be, who could suspect that it is nonetheless a selfless act in the eyes of God. Remember, “No greater love has a man than to give his life for another.”

Some people who commit suicide exhibit intense courage in the undertaking. Consider the soldier who deliberately throws himself on a hand grenade or a land mine to save the lives of his comrades. Did he knowingly kill himself (ie, commit suicide)? Yes, of course he did. Was it also a courageous and self-less act of courage? Absolutely! It was courageous and selfless. We correctly label this soldier a hero. People who commit suicide are not rewards as some suggest. Jesus serves as a perfect example of one who suffered immensely and sacrificed his very life for the salvation of others. Sometimes we do need reminding.

Depression is usually a treatable disease. Most people who are depressed do not commit suicide or even attempt it. But they are more vulnerable to the risk of suicidal thoughts and they and their family members should be aware of this. Most people, who suffer from mental illness, without it is extreme, will benefit from therapy, medication, or a combination of these. In the case of depression medication very often can permit these people to live completely normal and happy lives. The key is first to recognize the problem and then obtain treatment as soon as possible.

Some people are more prone to suicide than others. They should be particularly alert to the warning signs of depression. Suicide tends to run in families. My family is living proof of this. Suicide most often results from brain disorders such as clinical depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar illness, schizophrenia, and severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. All of these brain disorders have a genetic component that, if left untreated or mistreated, can result in suicide. The risks of suicide increase considering the longer a person goes without treatment. That is why it is dangerous for a depressed person to avoid treatment for fear that he or she might be labeled as being crazy. We are living in modern times. We are way beyond such foolishness; at least weought to be.

If you suffer from depression do not take a chance – get help. If your child is depressed, get your child help and do it quickly. Do this even in the face of resistance. You just might be saving their lives.

It is estimated that mental illness is the cause of 95% of all suicides. The # 1 cause of suicide is untreated depression. Ninety-five percent of all suicides are the direct result of the aforementioned brain disorders. According to the National Mental Health Association the teen suicide rate has risen an astonishing 200% in the last 40 years. That is a rate three times what it was in 1960. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 – 24 year-olds. About five thousand 15 – 24 year-olds kill themselves every year. These are alarming figures.

In conclusion, it is important to point out that maintaining your faith will increase your rate of recovery from the tragedy of suicide. Do not pray less. Instead pray more. Your faith will be your greatest source of comfort. Do not be mad at God. God did not betray you by letting your loved one die. He understands the pain of death. He endured it with the sacrificial death of his only begotten son for your sake and everyone else’s. Jesus understands the pain of death. Remember how He wept for Lazarus. Remember how he suffered in His own blameless death. Remember how His blessed mother Mary died when He died. Remember the painful deaths of His Apostles.

Remember, everyone dies of something; it’s preordained. We can not escape death, at least not in this worldly life. Your loved one just happened to die of mental illness that ruled in suicide. Even in this worldly death we still remain spiritually linked. You have not lost your loved ones. You have merely postpones being in their company until such time as God calls you home. He will do that plenty soon enough so do not try to rush the process. Remember it’s about His will, not yours.

If ever you have to end being a suicide survivor take comfort in knowing that you can survive even though the anguish of your loss may at first seem to be insurmountable. Everyone must go through a grieving process when a loved one dies. The grief associated with the suicidal death of a loved one is manifestly more difficult to cope with than other types of death. But, it is also similar in that it will likewise end. You do not needarily get over your loss; that void is always there. However, you do learn to cope and deal with it. Your pain will go away. You will come to understand that your loved one remains with you in spirit and you with him or her. You will laugh again. You will experience love and joy. You will obtain peace of mind even though you’ll always have the sorrow associated with loss. But we feel sorry when we lose our youth and vitality too. That does not mean that we stay miserable because of it.

Definitely grieve, but also let go. Get professional, spiritual, or other help if you need it. Accept the fate that you are dealt just as Jesus and his blessed mother accepted the fate of the Holy sacrifice at Calvary. Jesus, while suffering the pains of crucifixion asked of his heavenly father, “Why hast thou forsaken me.” Even the Son of man asked why. He also said “Thy will be done.” Our Lord in faith accepted his fate and in so doing taught us to do the same. We do not have to know and understand everything. In faith we must just believe, as Jesus did, that God understands and knows what is best. He will take care of things, perfectly. Accept, as Jesus did, the fate you are dealt no matter how much it hurts at the time. After all, you can not change it and you are not responsible for it.

Understand the difference between holding on to a memory and clinging to a soul. Release the soul from your mind so that your loved one can be with our Lord where he or she will prepare a place for you when your time comes. You will be together again and the next time it will be for all eternity. That will be a joyful eternity with God almighty. Trust in God and maintain your faith. God will make it right. You will survive.

Copyright: Ed Coet

Source by Ed Coet

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/testimony-of-a-suicide-survivor/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/185780686270 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

[homesolutionsforev]

Testimony of a Suicide Survivor

I am a suicide survivor. I am also a Christian. This article explains how anyone, but especially people of faith, can survive or help others to survive the tragedy of a suicidal death of a family member or close friend.

My father committed suicide with an overdose of prescription medicine taken in conjunction with alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant that exacerbates suicidal tendencies in those who are prone to such self-destructive acts. I was 16 years old at the time. I was wrongly ashamed of my father's suicide for most of my life. In fact, that feeling of shame is one of the great regrets of my life. With the combination of drugs and alcohol my dad might not have even intended to take his life. It could have been an accident. Their was no suicide note. He had no previous declaration of intent to commit suicide. The answer to that mystery we will never know. Still, officially his death certificate declared it a suicide.

If someone asked how my father died, I would say that he died of a heart attack. That is the response my mother repeatedly instructed me to say. The manner in which my father died was not about him in her mind. Rather, it was about us. My mother was concerned about what others would think of us if they knew my dad had committed suicide. Perhaps, she thought, they would blame us. They might suggest that we drive him to it. They might suggest that we failed to appropriately respond to his suicidal tendencies. In short, my mother worried that they might blame us for my father's suicide.

Thoughts of if only we had done or said this or that constantly crept in to our minds. It was an emotionally destructive self-imposed guilt trip. Guilt can cripple. When guilty is unjustified it is especially damaging.

The Christian approach to guilt, real and imagined, is in recognition and confession of sin, and faith in the love, goodness, and power of God – "casting one's cares upon him," not – in no way– upon the probability of one's own, or the suicide's, lack of, or diminished-under-the-circumstances (mental illness), guilt. To cope with suicide one must dump their guilt. It does not belong in the grieving process. Grief is plenty enough to cope with without the burden of unnecessary and undeserved guilt.

Even in cases where no guilt is present the conscience will find occasion for and evidence to accuse. It's a struggle I call the blame game. The blame game is a method of coping by blaming someone else for the suicidal death that torments you. Sometimes you blame another relative. Sometimes you blame the person who committed the suicide. Often it's a combination thereof. This venting of anger on someone else tends to provide some measure of relief in the short term. It does not work in the long term. Blaming anyone for suicide is wrong most of the time. Where metal illness is the culprit, nobody and nothing except the mental illness itself is to blame. The sooner people come to terms with this truth the sooner they'll be on the path to recovery.

Most people are ignorant about suicide. That is why they often shy away from family members or friends who are struggling with suitcase. It is wrong to be accused of or by the suicidal death of a family member or friend. It is cruel to desert those who are suffering. Feeling uncomfortable with suicide is never an excuse for rejecting those who struggle with this most tragic of deaths. Ask yourself, would you desert them if the person died of a heart attack or cancer? How can you desert them if their loved one died from suicidal mental illness?

Mental illness can kill just like cancer and heart disease. In suicide, most often it is the mental illness that kills, not the person. A mentally stable person does not react to angry words or events by killing themselves. Only mentally and emotionally sick people do that. That is why their response to anger or any other stimuli is irrational and ellogical. If they were healthy it is illegally their response would be suicide.

Depression affects your mental and emotional state of mind but it has a biological origin. Depression can be triggered by anger and resentment which have physiological effects. While the anger can elicit an emotional response, it is the biological mental illness (depression) that is the culprit. People get angry everyday but they do not kill themselves because they are mentally healthy. Here, you bought not blame or exculpate the person who committed suicide. This brings us to the mercy of God. He knows all, He is just and He is merciful. Take comfort in Gods mercy. Also take comfort in understanding that with few exceptions suicide is faultless and blameless.

Some 20 years after my fathers death I had to cope with multiple suicide attempts by my brother. It was scary and emotionally draining. My brother is still living – thank God. However, he had a lot of close calls. More than once death was knocking at his door. The family was notified to get to the hospital quickly. Doctors suspected my brother would survive his latest suicide attempt. After every attempt he would be grateful for his life. He would also feel incredible guilt for the fear and heartache his suicide attempts brought on his family. Then he would get depressed and regress. Eventfully, like a vicious cycle, he'd attempt it again and again.

My brother is a Viet Nam veteran. Like so many vets who endured that conflict, he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He is designated as a service connected 100% disabled veteran. Depression is a consequence of PTSD. Fortunately my brother came to terms with his mental illness and thought treatment. I have no doubt that treatment, medication, and prayer are what saved his life. It has allowed him to live a mostly productive life despite he still struggles with his illness. Treatment, medication, and prayer are the difference between my brother and our father. Our dad had none of these and, of course, he died.

A little over 20 years after my father's death I had to deal with the suicidal death of the 14-year-old son of very close and dear friends. It was shocking and traumatic. Losing ones child unexpectedly is about the worst heartache one can ever endure. To lose that child as a result of suicide is far worse; it is indeed grief to the extreme.

There were warning signs, but they were not aware to his parents. He experienced slight personality and behavioral changes that were more observable at school and with his friends, especially his girlfriend, then at home. That's why it's important to communicate in the family setting. Depression is often difficult to see if you are not looking for it. School officials and friends either did not know the warning signs or they disregarded them. Families can not rely on others to inform them.

Symptoms of depression or suicidal feelings may include a change in eating or sleeping habits, withdrawal from friends and family, giving away valuable possessions, rebellious behavior, running away, drug and alcohol abuse, unexplained obsessions, decline in the quality of work or school work , and marked personality changes. It is important that parents, teachers, counselors, and pastors know and recognize these signs. It could save someone's life.

Everything seemed normal that evening. Nothing seemed different or peculiar. It was a pleasant evening until his mother heard the gun shot that would be the beginning of grief on a huge scale. This would be compounded by the prevalent reasons why. It would have been accompanied by the expected guilt and blame which his family did not deserve to feel. It was not their fault. Nor was it his fault. His mental illness killed him as surely as cancer takes its victims if left untreated. But a parent can not seek treatment or medication for their child unless they know that the child is sick.

It was difficult to go through this ordeal with them. I honestly sentenced their pain and shared their grief. Still, it was important to be there for them. It cemented our friendship and even took it to a new level. That is something to remember if you know someone who is trying to survive suicide. Be there for them. It's the right thing to do. It's the Christian thing to do. Do not just offer help and wait for a call that never comes. Insist on sharing their grief. If nothing else be there to sit with them, hold them, listen to them, or just silently occupy space with them. They will gain a measure of comfort just from your presence. They will know you are genuinely there for them if the grief becomes too much for them to bear alone.

Our most recent loss was the suicidal death of my niece. This was especially difficult to cope with. My mother is not very stable and I already explained my brother's history. This was his daughter, his first-born. Worrying about how grief would impact them while dealing with my own grief was a monumental emotional undertaking. It took the saying be strong for them to a new level.

I watched my niece grow up in to a gem of a woman. She was as pure as the driven snow. She was devout in her Christian faith. She was a registered nurse who took pride in providing for the health care of others. She served her country honorably as a commissioner officer in the US Air Force. She was only in her early thirties but she was very sick. She was mentally ill.

My niece was bipolar. She had the most severe form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that her psychiatrists had ever seen. She also suffered from schizophrenic episodes and severe clinical depression. As an RN she understood her condition. She wanted to live but she did not know how to with so much mental anguish. Nobody could help her. No medications sufficed. As a woman of faith she struggled desperately and prayed continuously, on her knees, for hours at a time.

She had several suicide attempts that failed. It was destined that she would succeed at some point. When people are that sick they are unable to reason. They can not think clearly or rationalize effectively. All they do is suffer. It's not surprising that they are focused on placing an end to that suffering. Mental illness can be very deadly.

It's important to understand that healthy people do not kill themselves. A person who is depressed does not think like a typical person who feels good. They live in the here and now. Depression keeps them from looking forward to a better time. They can not comprehend positive thinking. Sometimes they do not even realize that they are sick much like my dad and our friend's son. Sometimes they are very much aware of their mental illness like my brother and my niece. They seek help and struggle as best they can but sometimes nothing works for them. Not medication, not therapy; absolutely nothing helps them. These are the most severely afflicted with suicidal mental illness. My niece was one of these. They will continue to attempt suicide until they succeed. You can not help them. You can not save them. All you can do is pray for them.

It is disturbing when some so called experts say that suicide is preventable. It suggests that everyone who ever committed suicide could have been saved. While it is true that suicide is often preventable it is like wise true that sometimes it not. Suggesting other can lead to endless suffering and needless guilt by suicide survivors. The reality is that in sever cases of metal illness nothing short of divine intervention can save a suicidal person.

Remember, nobody who commits suicide asked for their depression. They would do anything to rid themselves of it. Being depressed is not the result of life choices any more than catching a cold is. Some people get it, and some do not. Such is life.

It is hard to imagine suicide being a sin in these clinically depressed people. One can not offend God by involuntarily contracting an illness, regardless of what the sickness may be. If suicide in such a circumstance constituted sin, then it would be sinful to catch the flu or die of pneumonia. It is comforting to know that most mainstream religions understand and share this perspective, especially Christian denominations. The Catholic church of my faith was once notorious about guilty associated with suicide. It taught that the commission of suicide was a mortal sin. This explains why my mother is still living a lie about her husband's death. However, the Catholic Church has since clarified their position on the issue of suicide. The Catechism of the Catholic Church plainly states, "We should not despairs of the eternal salvation of persons who take their own lives …" (2282-83).

This does not mean that suicide is never sinful. If someone is of sound mind and premeditatedly acts to kill himself / herself for the purpose of punishment or harming another, that would be a sin. If they avoid deserved punishment by the state for a criminal conviction by committing suicide that is arguably a sin. Anyone who commits a suicidal act with malice aforethought for evil purposes is at grave risk of mortal sin. That is tantamount to murder, which is a crystal clear violation of Gods commandment: "Thou shall not kill."

If a person, because of mental illness, certainly believes with their heart and soul that dying will somehow end the suffering and anguish of others, regardless of how wrong they may be, who could suspect that it is nonetheless a selfless act in the eyes of God. Remember, "No greater love has a man than to give his life for another."

Some people who commit suicide exhibit intense courage in the undertaking. Consider the soldier who deliberately throws himself on a hand grenade or a land mine to save the lives of his comrades. Did he knowingly kill himself (ie, commit suicide)? Yes, of course he did. Was it also a courageous and self-less act of courage? Absolutely! It was courageous and selfless. We correctly label this soldier a hero. People who commit suicide are not rewards as some suggest. Jesus serves as a perfect example of one who suffered immensely and sacrificed his very life for the salvation of others. Sometimes we do need reminding.

Depression is usually a treatable disease. Most people who are depressed do not commit suicide or even attempt it. But they are more vulnerable to the risk of suicidal thoughts and they and their family members should be aware of this. Most people, who suffer from mental illness, without it is extreme, will benefit from therapy, medication, or a combination of these. In the case of depression medication very often can permit these people to live completely normal and happy lives. The key is first to recognize the problem and then obtain treatment as soon as possible.

Some people are more prone to suicide than others. They should be particularly alert to the warning signs of depression. Suicide tends to run in families. My family is living proof of this. Suicide most often results from brain disorders such as clinical depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar illness, schizophrenia, and severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. All of these brain disorders have a genetic component that, if left untreated or mistreated, can result in suicide. The risks of suicide increase considering the longer a person goes without treatment. That is why it is dangerous for a depressed person to avoid treatment for fear that he or she might be labeled as being crazy. We are living in modern times. We are way beyond such foolishness; at least weought to be.

If you suffer from depression do not take a chance – get help. If your child is depressed, get your child help and do it quickly. Do this even in the face of resistance. You just might be saving their lives.

It is estimated that mental illness is the cause of 95% of all suicides. The # 1 cause of suicide is untreated depression. Ninety-five percent of all suicides are the direct result of the aforementioned brain disorders. According to the National Mental Health Association the teen suicide rate has risen an astonishing 200% in the last 40 years. That is a rate three times what it was in 1960. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 – 24 year-olds. About five thousand 15 – 24 year-olds kill themselves every year. These are alarming figures.

In conclusion, it is important to point out that maintaining your faith will increase your rate of recovery from the tragedy of suicide. Do not pray less. Instead pray more. Your faith will be your greatest source of comfort. Do not be mad at God. God did not betray you by letting your loved one die. He understands the pain of death. He endured it with the sacrificial death of his only begotten son for your sake and everyone else's. Jesus understands the pain of death. Remember how He wept for Lazarus. Remember how he suffered in His own blameless death. Remember how His blessed mother Mary died when He died. Remember the painful deaths of His Apostles.

Remember, everyone dies of something; it's preordained. We can not escape death, at least not in this worldly life. Your loved one just happened to die of mental illness that ruled in suicide. Even in this worldly death we still remain spiritually linked. You have not lost your loved ones. You have merely postpones being in their company until such time as God calls you home. He will do that plenty soon enough so do not try to rush the process. Remember it's about His will, not yours.

If ever you have to end being a suicide survivor take comfort in knowing that you can survive even though the anguish of your loss may at first seem to be insurmountable. Everyone must go through a grieving process when a loved one dies. The grief associated with the suicidal death of a loved one is manifestly more difficult to cope with than other types of death. But, it is also similar in that it will likewise end. You do not needarily get over your loss; that void is always there. However, you do learn to cope and deal with it. Your pain will go away. You will come to understand that your loved one remains with you in spirit and you with him or her. You will laugh again. You will experience love and joy. You will obtain peace of mind even though you'll always have the sorrow associated with loss. But we feel sorry when we lose our youth and vitality too. That does not mean that we stay miserable because of it.

Definitely grieve, but also let go. Get professional, spiritual, or other help if you need it. Accept the fate that you are dealt just as Jesus and his blessed mother accepted the fate of the Holy sacrifice at Calvary. Jesus, while suffering the pains of crucifixion asked of his heavenly father, "Why hast thou forsaken me." Even the Son of man asked why. He also said "Thy will be done." Our Lord in faith accepted his fate and in so doing taught us to do the same. We do not have to know and understand everything. In faith we must just believe, as Jesus did, that God understands and knows what is best. He will take care of things, perfectly. Accept, as Jesus did, the fate you are dealt no matter how much it hurts at the time. After all, you can not change it and you are not responsible for it.

Understand the difference between holding on to a memory and clinging to a soul. Release the soul from your mind so that your loved one can be with our Lord where he or she will prepare a place for you when your time comes. You will be together again and the next time it will be for all eternity. That will be a joyful eternity with God almighty. Trust in God and maintain your faith. God will make it right. You will survive.

Copyright: Ed Coet

Source by Ed Coet

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Transpersonal Development, Crisis of the Spiritual Development by Prof. Roberto Assagioli

Man’s spiritual development is a long and hard adventure, a journey through strange places full of wonders, but also dangers and difficulties. It implies radical purification and transmutation, the awakening of faculties that were inactive, the elevation of the conscience to levels never touched before, its expansion in a new inner dimension.

Therefore it shouldn’t surprise us that such a big change occurs through several critical stages, often accompanied by neuro-psychic and physical (psycho-somatic) illnesses.

Although through an ordinary clinical examination these illnesses appear similar to those caused by different reasons, in actual fact they have a totally different meaning and value and they must be cured in a completely different way. At present illnesses due to spiritual causes are becoming more and more frequent, because the number of people consciously or unconsciously obsessed by spiritual needs is increasing. Furthermore, because of the more complexity of the modern man and of the obstacles created in his critical mind, spiritual development has become a more difficult and complicated inner process.

For this reason it is best to look at nervous and psychic illnesses that start in the different stages of spiritual development and to offer some indications for the most suitable and efficient methods to cure them.

In the process of spiritual realization we can observe 5 critical stages.

I. Crises preceding spiritual development In order to understand the meaning of the unique inner experiences that usually precede the awakening of the soul, we must remember some psychological characteristics of the ordinary man. He lets himself live rather than live properly.

He takes life as it comes; it doesn’t wonder about its meaning, its value and its goals. If he is vulgar, he only worries about his personal desires; he manages to find satisfaction to his senses, to become rich and to fulfill his ambition. If he is more refined, he subdues his personal satisfaction to the accomplishment of family and civil duties as he has been taught to do; he doesn’t wonder on which basis they are founded or which is their true hierarchy. He can proclaim himself a ‘religious’ man and believe in God, but his religion is exterior and conventional; he feels he is doing the right thing when he obeys the formal prescriptions of his church and he has participated to the rituals.

Indeed, the common man implicitly believes to the absolute reality of ordinary life and he is strongly attached to the earthly possessions, to which he gives a positive value. He considers ordinary life to be an end in itself; although he believes in a future heaven, his belief is totally theoretical and academic, we can guess it from the fact that he candidly confesses that he wishes to get there… as late as possible.

It can happen though – and in actual fact it happens sometimes – that this ‘ordinary man’ is surprised and upset by a sudden change in his inner life. Sometimes this is a consequence of delusions or a strong moral choc, such as the loss of a loved one. Sometimes there is no apparent reason and, in the middle of full wealth and luck (as it happened to Tolstoj), a faint uneasiness arises, a sense of dissatisfaction, of something missing; what’s missing, though, is nothing concrete, but something vague, elusive that he can’t describe.

Gradually a sense of unreality and vainness of ordinary life grows; all the personal interests that used to occupy and preoccupy us ‘fade away’, so to speak, losing their importance and value. New problems start; the person starts wondering about the sense of life, the reason of many things he used to accept naturally, the reason for his and other people’s suffering, the justification for differences in fortune, the origin and goal of human existence.

Here we have the first misunderstandings and mistakes. Many people don’t understand the meaning of these new feelings and they consider them as whims, abnormal fancies. They endure them (because they are quite distressing) and they fight them in any way. They fear they will ‘lose their head’ and try and re-connect to the ordinary reality that seems to slip away. Sometimes, as a reaction, they dive in them with more strength, looking for new occupations, new stimulations and feelings. Through these and other means they manage to suffocate their restlessness, but they can never destroy it completely; it keeps lurking in their deepest being, undermining the basis of their ordinary existence and it can burst out more intensely, even after years.

The status of anxiety becomes more and more painful, the inner emptiness more intolerable. The person feels annihilated; all that was his life seems like a dream, he disappears like a larva, whilst the new light hasn’t appeared yet. Indeed, usually the person ignores its existence or he doesn’t believe into the possibility of having it. Often a more defined moral crisis is added to this general torment. The ethical conscience awakes and improves, the person is seized by a serious sense of guilt and regret for the wrong doing; he judges himself severely and he is discouraged.

At this point suicidal ideas appear. The person thinks that physical annihilation is the only logic consequence of the inner breakdown. We must point out that this is a generic scheme of such experiences and their progress. In actual fact there are many individual differences. Many people don’t reach the strongest point; some people reach it suddenly without the gradual process; in some people research and philosophical doubts prevail, in others moral crisis is the most important thing. These expressions of spiritual crisis are similar to the symptoms of some diseases such as neurasthenia and psychasthenia. One of the features of the latter is the ‘loss of the function of reality’, as Pierre Janet called it, another is ‘depersonalization’. The similarity is made stronger by the fact that the distress of the crisis often produces physical symptoms, such as exhaustion, nervous tension, depression, insomnia and several digestive and circulatory illnesses, etc.

II. Crises produced by spiritual awakening. The opening of communication between personality and soul, the waves of light, joy and energy that accompany it, often produce a marvelous liberation. Inner conflicts, suffering and nervous and physical illnesses disappear, often surprisingly fast; this confirms that those illnesses were not due to material causes, but they were the direct consequence of the psycho-spiritual toil. In these cases the spiritual awakening is a cure. The awakening doesn’t always occur in such a simple and harmonious way, though; sometimes it can cause complications, illnesses and unbalances. This occurs in the people whose mind is not steady, or where emotions are exuberant and uncontrolled, or the nervous system is too sensitive or delicate; or when the flow of spiritual energy is overwhelming because of its suddenness and violence.

When the mind is too weak or unprepared to tolerate spiritual light, or when there is a tendency to presumptuousness and egocentrism, the inner event can be badly interpreted. A ‘confusion of planes’, so to speak, occurs; the distinction between absolute and relative, spirit and personality is not recognized. The spiritual strength can then produce exaltation, an ‘inflation’ of the personal self.

Some years ago I had the occasion to observe a similar case in Ancona’s mental hospital. One of the patients, a very nice old man calmly but stubbornly stated he was … God. Around this conviction of his, he built the most fantastic delirious ideas, such as celestial formations to his command, great things he accomplished, etc.

Apart from that, he was the nicest, kindest and most thoughtful person you can imagine, always ready to offer help to doctors and patients. His mind was so clear and attentive, his actions so accurate that he had been made assistant to the pharmacist, who entrusted him with the keys of the pharmacy and the preparation of medicines. This never caused any problem, apart from the disappearance of a little bit of sugar, which he took to do a favor to some of the patients. From the ordinary medical point of view, our patient would be considered a simple case of delusions of grandeur, a paranoid form. In actual fact these are purely descriptive labels or clinical classification; ordinary psychiatry can’t tell us anything certain about the true nature and causes of these illnesses. I think it’s legitimate to wonder if there isn’t a deeper psychological interpretation for the ideas of the above patient. It is well known how the inner perception of the reality of the Spirit and its intimate penetration with the human soul gives a sense of grandness and inner broadening, the conviction to participate somehow to the divine nature.

In religious traditions and spiritual doctrines of all the time we can find many testimonials and confirmations, often boldly expressed. In the Bible we find the explicit and resolute statement: ‘Don’t you know you are Gods?’ and Saint Augustine says: ‘when the soul loves something, it becomes similar to it; if it loves earthly things, it becomes earthly; if it loves God (we might ask) does it become God?’

The most extreme expression of the identity of nature, between the human spirit in its pure and real essence and the Supreme Spirit, is contained in the central teaching of the Vedanta philosophy: Tat twam asi (You are That) and Aham evam param Brahman (Truthfully I am the supreme Brahman).

However we consider this relationship between the individual and universal spirit, either as an identity, a similarity, a participation or a union, we must clearly recognize and keep in mind, in theory and in practice, the big difference between the individual spirit in its essential nature – what has been called the ‘bottom’ or the ‘center or apex’ of the soul, the superior Self, the real Self – and the little ordinary personality, the small self we are normally conscious of.

The non acknowledgment of such a distinction leads us to absurd and Dangerous consequences. This gives us the key to understand the mental unbalance of the patients I mentioned earlier, and other less extreme forms of self-exaltation and self-inflation. The fatal mistake of all those who fall a prey to such delusions is to assign to their personal and non-regenerated self the qualities and powers of the Spirit. In philosophical terms this is confusion between relative reality and absolute Reality, between personal and metaphysical plane. From this interpretation of some ideas of grandness we can draw useful curative rules. It shows us how useless it is to try and demonstrate to the patient that he is wrong, that his ideas are absurd or laugh at him; indeed it exacerbates him. It is better to recognize with him the element of truth that there is in his claims and then patiently try and make him understand the above mentioned distinction.

In other cases the sudden inner illumination produced by the awakening of the soul determines an emotional exaltation, which is expressed clamorously and disorderly, with screams, cries, chants and motor unrest. The people who are active, dynamic and pugnacious can be driven by the excitement of the awakening to take the role of prophet or reformer, creating movements or sects characterized by an excessive fanaticism and proselytism.

In some noble but too rigid and excessive souls, the revelation of the transcendent and divine element of their spirit inspires a need for complete and immediate adaptation to that perfection. In actual fact this adaptation can only be the end of a long and gradual work of transformation and re-generation of personality. Therefore that need is vain and it causes reactions of self-destructive depression and desperation.

In some people the ‘awakening’ is accompanied by paranormal psychic manifestations of various kinds. They have visions, generally of elevated or angelic beings, or they can hear voices or they feel driven to write automatically. The value of the messages received is very different from one case to another; therefore it is necessary to examine and screen them objectively, without prejudices and without being affected by the way they were received or the supposed authority of the person who claims to be the author. It is better to mistrust the messages that contain precise orders and require blind obedience and those who tend to exalt the personality of the receiving person. True spiritual instructors never use such methods. Apart from the authenticity and intrinsic value of these messages, they are dangerous because they can easily upset the emotional and mental balance, even seriously.

III. The reactions following spiritual awakening. These reactions normally occur after a certain period of time. As we have mentioned, a harmonious spiritual awakening inspires a sense of joy, an illumination of mind that allows us to perceive life’s meaning and goal, draws doubts away, offers the solution to many problems and gives us a sense of inner safety. This is accompanied by a vivid sense of unity, beauty, holiness of life; from the awakened soul a wave of love towards the other souls and all other creatures spreads.

Indeed there isn’t anything more joyful and comforting than the contact with one of this ‘awakened’ that is in such a ‘state of grace’. His former personality with its acute angles and unpleasant elements seems to have disappeared and a new person, agreeable and full of amiability smiles at us and at the whole world. He wishes to please, to make himself useful, to share with others his new spiritual richness whose abundance he can’t contain. This joyful state lasts more or less time, but it is destined to end. Ordinary personality, with its lower elements, had been temporarily overwhelmed and numbed, not killed or transformed. Furthermore the flow of light and spiritual love is rhythmic and cyclic like all that happens in the universe; therefore sooner or later it decreases or ends. The flux is followed by the reflux. This inner experience is very painful and in some cases it produces violent reactions and serious illnesses. The lower tendencies awaken and reaffirm themselves with renewed strength; all the reefs, debris and waste that were covered by the high tide reappear.

The person whose moral conscience has become more refined and demanding because of the awakening, whose thirst for perfection has become stronger, judges himself more severely, condemns himself with more rigor and he can believe, mistakenly, that he has fallen down lower than before. This can be caused by the fact that sometimes some tendencies and lower impulses latent in the unconscious can be awakened and stimulated to a violent opposition by new high spiritual aspirations, which are a challenge and a threat to them. Sometimes the reaction is so strong that the person ends up denying the value and reality of his own recent inner experience. Doubts and criticisms arise in his mind and the latter is tempted to consider all that happened as an illusion, a fancy and a ‘sentimental stunt’. It becomes sour and sarcastic; it laughs at itself and others and it would like to disown its ideals and spiritual aspirations. Still, no matter how many efforts it makes, it can’t go back to the previous stage; once had the vision the charm of its beauty remains and it can’t be forgotten. It can’t get used any more to live only the small common life; a divine nostalgia obsesses it and keeps it restless. Sometimes the reaction takes clearly morbid characters; accesses of desperation and temptations of suicide arise.

The cure for such excessive reactions consists most of all in clearly understanding their nature and indicating the only way to overcome them. The person enduring them must understand that the ‘state of grace’ can’t last forever and the reaction is natural and unavoidable. It is like making a superb flight up to the sun-lit peak, admiring the open landscape that reaches the horizon; every flight must end sooner or later. We are taken back to the plain and we must then slowly go up, step by step, to the steep slope that leads to the steady conquest of the top. The acknowledgement that this descent or ‘fall’ is a natural event to which we all undergo, comforts and relieves the pilgrim and encourages him to bravely carry on to the top.

IV. Stages of the transmutation process The ascent that we have mentioned consists in actual fact of the transmutation and regeneration of the personality. It is a long and complex process made of stages of active purification aimed at removing the obstacles to the afflux and action of the spiritual forces. There are stages of development of the inner faculties that were latent or weak; stages where personality must stay steady and meek, letting the Spirit work on it and courageously and patiently enduring the unavoidable suffering. It is a time full of changes, alternatives between light and darkness, between joy and pain.

The energies and attention of the person in this situation are often so absorbed by the turmoil that he finds difficult to satisfy the needs of his personal life. Therefore the man who observes him superficially and judges him from the point of view of normality and practical efficiency finds that he has worsened and is worth less than before. To his internal turmoil, then, are added unsympathetic and unjust judgments from family members, friends and doctors; he is not spared sharp observations on the ‘good results’ of aspirations and spiritual ideals which make him weak and inefficient in his practical life. These judgments are often painful to the person who receives them; he is sometimes upset by them and falls into doubts and discouragement.

This as well is one of the trials that must be overcome. It teaches to surmount personal sensitiveness and to acquire independence of judgment and steadiness of conduct. This trial should therefore be welcomed without rebellion but rather with serenity. On the other hand if those who surround the person who undergoes the trial understand his status, they can help him and avoid many contrasts and unnecessary suffering to him. In actual fact is a time of transition; leaving a stage without having reached the new one. It is a condition similar to the larva that undergoes the process of transformation that will turn it into a winged butterfly; it must go through the chrysalis stage, which is a condition of disintegration and impotence.

In general, though, man is not given the privilege to develop the transmutation whilst protected in a cocoon. He must, especially nowadays, stay in his place in life and keep absolving his family, professional and social duties as much as he can, as if nothing was happening inside him. The hard problem he has to face is similar to those which had to be resolved by English engineers, who had to transform and widen a big train station in London without stopping the traffic, not even for an hour.

It shouldn’t surprise us if such complex and hard work sometimes causes nervous and psychic illnesses, for example nervous breakdowns, insomnia, depression, irritability and restlessness. These illnesses can sometimes produce several physical symptoms because of the strong influence of the psyche on the body. When curing these cases we must understand their real cause and help the patient with a proper and suitable psycho-therapeutic action, because physical cures and medicine can relieve physical symptoms and illnesses, but of course they can’t act on the psycho-spiritual causes of the disease.

Sometimes the illnesses are produced or increased by the excessive personal efforts that the aspirant makes to the spiritual life to force his own inner development, efforts that produce a repression rather than the transformation of the lower elements and an extreme aggravation of the fight, with a consequent excessive nervous and psychic tension.

These impetuous aspirants must realize that the essential part of the work of regeneration is made by the spirit and its energies; when they have tried to attract their energies with their fervor, their meditation, their honest inner attitude, when they have tried to eliminate all that hindered the action of the spirit, they must wait patiently and confidently for that action to occur spontaneously in their heart.

A different difficulty, in a certain sense opposite, must be overcome in the times when the afflux of spiritual strength is great and abundant. This precious strength can be easily wasted in emotional ferment and excessive and feverish activities. In other cases it is held back too much, it isn’t translated in life and used, so that it accumulates and it can create illnesses and inner stress with its strong tension, like a strong electrical current can fuse the valves or produce short circuits.

It is necessary to learn to regulate properly and wisely the flux of spiritual energies, avoiding their dispersion but using them in noble and productive internal and external actions.

V. The ‘dark night of the soul’. When the process of psycho-spiritual transformation reaches its final and decisive stage, it produces sometimes an intense suffering and an inner darkness that Christian mystics called the ‘dark night of the soul’. Its characters make it similar to the illness called depressive psychosis or melancholy.

Such characters are: an emotional status of intense depression that can reach desperation; an acute sense of one’s unworthiness; a strong tendency to self-criticism and self-condemnation, which in some cases turns into the conviction of being lost or damned; a painful sense of mental impotence; the weakening of will and self-control; disgust and great difficulty in acting.

Some of these symptoms can present themselves in a weaker form even in the previous stages, but then it is not the proper ‘dark night of the soul’. This strange and terrible experience is not a pathological state, despite appearances. It has spiritual causes and a great spiritual value (see Saint John of the Cross, the dark night of the soul and E. Underhill «Mysticism», New York, 1961).

It has also been called the ‘mystical crucifixion’ or ‘mystical death’; it is followed by the glorious spiritual resurrection that ends every suffering and illness, which it compensates plentifully, and that is also the fullness of spiritual health. The subject we have chosen forced us to look almost exclusively to the most painful and abnormal aspects of inner development. We don’t want to give the impression, though, that those who follow the path of spiritual ascent are stricken by nervous illnesses more than ordinary men. It is more appropriate to clarify the following points:

In many cases spiritual development occurs in a more gradual and harmonious way than the one described so far; difficulties and stages are overcome without nervous and physical reactions. The nervous and mental illnesses of ‘ordinary’ men and women are often more serious and hard to tolerate and to cure than those produced by spiritual causes. The illnesses of ordinary men are often produced by violent conflicts of passion, or conflict between unconscious drives and conscious personality. Sometimes they are caused by rebellion against conditions or people that oppose their desires and selfish needs. Sometimes it is more difficult to cure them, because the higher aspects are too weak; there is not much to appeal to in order for them to make the necessary sacrifices and to subdue to the discipline needed to produce the adjustments and the harmony that can give them their health back. The sufferings and illnesses of those who carry out the spiritual path, despite being sometimes serious, are in actual fact only temporary reactions and the waste of an organic process of growth and inner regeneration. Therefore they disappear spontaneously when the crisis that produced them is resolved or they respond more to a suitable cure. The suffering produced by the low tide and the refluxes of the spiritual wave are widely compensated by the stages of afflux and elevation, by the faith in the great goal and the high purpose of the inner adventure.

This vision of glory is a powerful inspiration, an infallible comfort and an inexhaustible source of strength and courage. We should relive such vision in the most vivid way and as often as possible; one of the greatest benefits we can grant to people tormented by crises and spiritual conflicts is to do the same. Let’s try and imagine vividly the glory and beatitude of the victorious and free soul that consciously participate to the wisdom, the power and the love of Divine Life. Let’s imagine with an even bigger vision the glory of the Kingdom of God realized on earth, the vision of redeemed humankind, the whole creation regenerated and showing joyfully the perfection of God.

Such visions have allowed great mystics and saints to endure with a smile their inner torments and their physical martyrdom; they allowed Saint Francis to say: ‘I expect so much good that all pain is delight!’.

Now we have to leave these altitudes and go back to the valley where souls are in turmoil. If we consider the matter from a strictly medical and psychological point of view we must realize that, as mentioned before, whilst the illnesses that accompany the various crises of spiritual development appear very similar, sometimes identical, to ordinary illnesses, in actual fact their cause and meaning are quite different. Indeed, they are in a certain sense opposite; therefore the cure must be different.

The neuro-psychic symptoms of ordinary patients have usually a regressive character.

Those patients haven’t been able to accomplish the necessary inner and outer adjustments that are part of the normal development of personality. For example, they haven’t managed to free themselves from the emotional attachment to their parents and therefore they stay in a status of childish dependence from them or whoever replaces them, even symbolically. Sometimes their inability or bad will to face the needs and difficulties of family and social life forces them to escape to an illness that saves them from these duties. In other cases it’s an emotional trauma; for example a delusion or a loss that they can’t accept and to which they react with a disease. In all these cases it is a conflict between the conscious personality and the lower elements that often operate in the unconscious, with the partial victory of the latter.

On the other hand, the evils produced by the turmoil of spiritual development have a clearly progressive character. They depend on the effort to grow, on the drive towards the top. They are the result of temporary conflicts and unbalances between the conscious personality and the spiritual energies that emanate from the top. From all these elements it is clear that the cure for the two illnesses must be very different.

For the first group the therapeutic task consists of helping the patient to reach the level of ‘normal’ man, getting rid of repressions, inhibitions, fears and bonds, helping him to go from excessive egocentrism, false evaluations, opinions of reality distorted to an objective and rational vision of life, to the acceptance of his duties and a fair appreciation of other people’s rights. The undeveloped, uncoordinated and contrasting elements must be harmonized and integrated in a personal psycho-synthesis. For the second type of patients the cure is to produce a harmonious adjustment, helping the assimilation and integration of the new spiritual energies with the pre-existing normal elements, that is to reach a trans-personal psycho-synthesis around a higher inner center.

It is clear that the cure for the patients of the first group is not sufficient for the second; indeed it can be harmful. His difficulties increase rather than decrease if he is in the hands of a doctor that doesn’t understand his turmoil, that ignores or denies the possibilities of spiritual development. Such doctor can underestimate or laugh at the spiritual aspirations of the patient, considering them as fancies or interpreting them materialistically. The patient might be induced by the doctor to make an effort in hardening the shell of his personality, refusing to listen to the insistent appeals of his soul.

This can only aggravate his status, exacerbate the fight and delay the solution. A doctor that carries out the spiritual way, on the other hand, or at least has a clear understanding and a fair appreciation of reality and spiritual conquests, can be of great help to such a patient.

If, as it often happens, he is still at the stage of dissatisfaction, restlessness and unconscious aspirations; if he has lost any interest in ordinary life but he hasn’t had a spark of the Higher Reality yet; if he looks for relief in the wrong direction and wanders in blind alleys, then the revelation of the true cause of his illness and an efficient help to find the true solutions can ease and accelerate the awakening of the soul, which is by itself the main part of the cure.

When a person is at the second stage, where he enjoys the light of the spirit and joyfully flies towards unconscious highness, we can help him a lot by explaining to him the true nature and function of his experiences. We must warn him that they are necessarily temporary and describe to him the further trouble of the pilgrimage. That person will then be prepared when the reaction comes; he is spared the big part of suffering produced by the surprise of the ‘fall’ and the doubts and discouragement that follow.

When this warning is not given and the cure starts during the depressive reaction, the patient can be relieved and helped by the insurance, even demonstrated with examples, that it is only a temporary stage that he will certainly overcome.

In the fourth stage of the ‘accidents of the ascent’, which is the longest and the most multiform, the work of the person who helps is more complex. The main aspects are:

Explain to the suffering person the meaning of what is happening inside him and show him the right attitude to take. Teach him how we can dominate the lower tendencies without repressing them in the unconscious; Teach him and assist him in transmuting and sublimating his psychic energies; Help him supporting and using properly the spiritual energies that flow in his conscience; Guide him and cooperate with him in the work of reconstruction of his personality and psycho-synthesis.

In the stage of the ‘dark night of the soul’ it is very difficult to help, because the person who endures it is surrounded by such a dense cloud, he is so deep down in his suffering that the light of the spirit doesn’t reach his conscience. The only way to give strength and support is tirelessly to repeat the insurance that this is a transitory experience and not a permanent state, as the victim thinks – this is what upsets him the most. It is also a good idea to insure him energetically that his torment, no matter how terrible, has such a great spiritual value and will bring him so much good that he will be thankful. He is helped to tolerate and accept it with calm, resignation and patience. We think it’s appropriate to say that these psychological and spiritual cures don’t exclude the subsidiary help of physical means, which can alleviate the symptoms and help reaching a good result. Such supports will help the repairing work of nature, like a hygienic alimentation, relaxing exercises, contact with the natural elements and a rhythm suitable to the various physical and psychic activities.

In some cases the cure is complicated by the fact that the patient has a mixture of progressive and regressive symptoms. These are cases of irregular and disharmonious inner development. These people can reach high spiritual levels with a part of their personality but still be slaves of childish bonds or under the domain of ‘complex’ unconscious. We could say that, with an accurate examination, in the majority of those who carry out the spiritual path we can find – like in all the so called ‘normal’ people – bigger or smaller rests of such limitations. It is a fact, though, that in the majority of cases there is a clear prevalence of either regressive or progressive symptoms.

We must always keep in mind the possibility that symptoms of both groups are in the same patient; we need to study and interpret thoroughly each sign to verify its true cause and find the most suitable cure.

From all that we have said it is clear that in order to cure efficiently the nervous and psychic illnesses that accompany spiritual development, it is necessary a double series of knowledge and practice. They are the point of view of the doctor expert of nervous diseases and psychotherapy and that of the serious scholar and pilgrim on the paths of the Spirit. This two-fold competence is rarely associated. Since the number of people requiring such cures is constantly increasing, though, all those who are able to do it should resolutely prepare to this good deed.

Such cures would be easier if we could also prepare assistants, so that we can cooperate with intelligence. Finally, it would be very helpful if the public in general was informed of the main facts regarding the connections between neuro-psychic illnesses and inner crises. In this way their loved ones might facilitate the task of the patient and the doctor, instead of complicating it and oppose it with ignorance, prejudices and active opposition, as it unfortunately often happens.

When this three-fold work of preparation is done with doctors, nurses and public, a great amount of unnecessary suffering will be eliminated and many pilgrims will be able to reach with a shorter and easier turmoil the high goal that they pursue: the union with the Divine Reality.

[studentofrhetoric-blog]

Part 2, Wednesday, April 12th, 2017

International News:

--- "Samples taken from the site of a deadly toxic gas attack in Syria and analyzed by British scientists have tested positive for sarin or a sarin-like substance, Britain's U.N. Ambassador Matthew Rycroft told the U.N. Security Council on Wednesday. "The United Kingdom therefore shares the U.S. assessment that it is highly likely that the regime was responsible for a sarin attack on Khan Sheikhoun on 4 April," Rycroft said."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-mideast-crisis-syria-un-britain-idUSKBN17E1YE?il=0

--- "An Uzbek asylum-seeker accused of ramming a truck into a crowd of people in Stockholm last week, killing four people, had tried to travel to Syria in 2015 to join the Islamic State group, an Uzbekistan security source said on Wednesday. The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the suspect, Rakhmat Akilov, was an ethnic Tajik who came under the influence of a Tajik Islamic State cell while living in Sweden. Akilov has been living in Sweden since at least 2014. Akilov was detained at the Turkish-Syrian border in 2015 and deported back to Sweden, the source said. The source added that in February this year Uzbekistan's authorities had put him on a wanted list for people suspected of religious extremism. Swedish security police declined to comment on the information, citing the ongoing investigation."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-sweden-attack-uzbekistan-idUSKBN17E1O3?il=0

--- "Islamic State militants claimed responsibility for a suicide bomb attack on Wednesday near the Afghan Defence Ministry that killed at least five people. A statement by the Afghan Interior Ministry reported several more people were wounded, while a Defence Ministry spokesman said at least one civilian and two members of the Afghan security forces were among the casualties, adding that the target appeared to be a police post near military headquarters."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-afghanistan-blast-idUSKBN17E1GD?il=0

--- "Nigeria's state security agency said on Wednesday it had thwarted plans by Boko Haram militants linked to Islamic State to attack the British and United States embassies in the capital Abuja. The Department of State Services (DSS) said a 20-year-old suspected Boko Haram member, arrested on March 22 in northeastern Yobe state, had confessed details of the plot. Authorities arrested five more suspected Islamist militants in Benue state, in the country's middle belt, and Abuja between March 25 and 26, the security agency said. "The group had perfected plans to attack the UK and American embassies and other western interests in Abuja," the DSS said in an emailed statement. The agency described the suspects as "ISIS linked Boko Haram members" but gave no further details of how the militants planned to attack the embassies."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-nigeria-security-idUSKBN17E1EK?il=0

--- "A man of Islamist background has been detained by German investigators probing blasts against a bus carrying players of Borussia Dortmund soccer club, the federal public prosecutor's office said on Wednesday. It said investigators had searched the apartments of two suspects from Germany's Islamist scene and decided to detain one of them. It did not say where the suspect was detained but added that a decision would be made on whether to seek a judicial arrest warrant against him. The prosecutor said metal strips had been used in the explosive devices activated in the attack, which injured one player and is being treated as having a "terrorist background". "The precise motive for the attack is unclear at present," the prosecutor's office said in a statement."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-soccer-champions-dor-mon-blast-letter-idUSKBN17E1H7?il=0

--- "Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny on Wednesday called on his supporters to hold protest rallies across the country on June 12, which is the annual Russia Day public holiday. Navalny, who wants to run for president in 2018, was freed earlier this week from jail where he spent 15 days for his role in nationwide protests last month which ended with over 1,000 arrests."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-russia-navalny-idUSKBN17E1G0?il=0

--- "The European Union threatened Hungary with legal action on Wednesday over moves by Prime Minister Viktor Orban that it fears run counter the bloc's values on rights and democracy. Long exasperated by what it sees as Orban's authoritarian tendencies, Brussels is concerned at new Hungarian laws that it fears curtail freedoms and contradict asylum rules - culminating in criticism of an education bill that could shut down a Budapest university founded by U.S. financier George Soros. The EU executive's deputy head said Orban's government needed to assuage the bloc's worries by engaging in a political dialogue with the European Commission, which is also trying to persuade Orban's right-wing allies in the Polish government to amend plans for constitutional changes there. "Taken cumulatively, the overall situation in Hungary is a cause of concern," First Vice President Frans Timmermans told a news conference after the commissioners discussed Hungary at their weekly meeting. Domestic opponents of the new law, which on Sunday triggered some of the largest demonstrations against Orban's seven-year rule, consider it part of a wider crackdown on dissent and a political drift towards Russia."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-hungary-soros-eu-idUSKBN17E18D?il=0

--- "France and the rest of Europe must use last week's U.S. missile strike on Syria as a tool to revive peace negotiations between warring parties, French President Francois Hollande said in a newspaper interview published on Wednesday. In the interview with Le Monde, Hollande said intelligence suggested that the nerve gas attack which prompted the U.S. missile strike was tactical in nature and launched from an aircraft."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-mideast-crisis-syria-france-idUSKBN17E159?il=0

--- "A senior member of Israel's government welcomed on Wednesday White House spokesman Sean Spicer's apology for saying Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons, comments that overlooked the killing of millions of Jews in Nazi gas chambers. "Since he apologized and retracted his remarks, as far as (I) am concerned, the matter is over," Intelligence and Transport Minister Israel Katz said in a statement, citing the "tremendous importance of historical truth and remembrance" of the victims of the Holocaust."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-hitler-israel-idUSKBN17E0T0?il=0

--- "Venezuelans in poor areas blocked streets and lit fires during scattered protests across the country on Tuesday night, and two people were killed during the growing unrest in the midst of a crippling economic crisis. In a worrying sign for leftist President Nicolas Maduro, groups in Caracas' traditionally pro-government hillside slums and low-income neighborhoods took to the streets, witnesses and opposition lawmakers reported. Maduro foes were galvanized by footage of a crowd in the south-eastern Bolivar state heckling and throwing objects at the closely-protected leader during a rally on Tuesday, before state television cut off the broadcast. In the western Lara state, two people, aged 13 and 36, were killed during unrest on Tuesday, the state prosecutor's office said in a statement. Lara's opposition governor Henri Falcon blamed violence on "infiltrators" and "delinquents" who roamed on motorcycles after an energy blackout. "They go by neighborhoods and shoot people who are protesting," said Falcon, a former member of the ruling party, urging a negotiation to end Venezuela's political crisis.  The opposition says Maduro, a former bus driver and union leader who took office four years ago, has morphed into a dictator after a Supreme Court decision in late March to assume the functions of the opposition-led congress...Witnesses said residents of a number of working-class Caracas neighborhoods blocked streets with trash or burning debris on Tuesday night, describing confused street melees and clashes with security forces. The capital appeared calm on Wednesday, although some roads were charred and littered with broken glass. Government officials did not provide an official account of the events, and the Information Ministry did not respond to an email seeking comment. Maduro has said that under a veneer of pacifism, a U.S.-backed right-wing opposition is encouraging violent protests in a bid to topple his government and get its hands on Venezuela's oil wealth. On Wednesday night, he said the heckling incident a day earlier in the city of San Felix was an opposition attempt to "ambush" him that was thwarted by his loyalists...Another round of protests are planned for Thursday in Venezuela's more than 300 municipalities. Opposition leaders are calling for the "mother of all marches" on April 19."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-venezuela-politics-idUSKBN17E25V?il=0

Further details: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-venezuela-politics-idUSKBN17D2F3?il=0

--- "South Korean Foreign Minister Yun Byung-se said on Thursday he believed the United States will consult Seoul if it is considering a pre-emptive strike against North Korea. Yun's comments at a South Korean parliamentary hearing came amid rising tensions in the region over the possibility North Korea could conduct a new nuclear or missile test. The possibility of U.S. military action against North Korea in response to such tests gained traction following last week's U.S. strikes against Syria, which came in retaliation for a deadly gas attack."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-northkorea-usa-southkorea-idUSKBN17F093?il=0

Domestic & International News:

--- "Montenegro's accession to NATO is vital for regional stability and the joint effort of the Western allies to resist a resurgent Russia, U.S. Senator John McCain said on Wednesday. The visit of McCain, the Republican chairman of the influential Senate Armed Services Committee, to Montenegro comes a day after U.S. President Donald Trump signed the U.S. ratification for the tiny Adriatic republic's accession to NATO, which Russia opposed. "There is also evidence that Russians are trying to undermine the democratic process in other parts of the world," McCain told reporters. "I believe the Russian behavior requires our solidarity and our strength, in order to preserve principles and fundamentals of democracy," McCain said...Montenegrin officials said Russia was behind an alleged plot last October aimed at halting the integration of the former Yugoslav republic into NATO and bringing the opposition to power. Moscow dismissed the allegations."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-montenegro-nato-idUSKBN17E1VB?il=0

--- "Trade between China and the United States continued to show good growth in the first quarter, a spokesman for the General Administration of Customs said Thursday. A strengthening of communication between China and the United States will benefit trade and investment, said Huang Songping. Huang also said that China's trade surplus with the U.S. should be viewed with calm and objectivity. China's massive trade surplus with the U.S. has been a point of contention for U.S. President Donald Trump, though tensions seem to have eased after a meeting between Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping last week."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-china-economy-usa-idUSKBN17F0BL?il=0

--- "Tensions between the United States and Russia will not "spiral out of control" following last week's U.S. cruise missile strikes on a Syrian air base, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis said on Tuesday, describing it as a one-off response to Syria's use of banned chemical weapons. President Donald Trump, in his biggest foreign policy decision since taking office in January, ordered the strikes after concluding that Syria waged a nerve gas attack in rebel-held territory that killed 87 people, many of them children. Russia, which has advisers on the ground aiding Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, warned the U.S. strike could have serious consequences. Syria denies involvement. "It will not spiral out of control," Mattis told reporters at the Pentagon. "I'm confident the Russians will act in their own best interest and there is nothing in their best interest to say they want this situation to go out of control." Mattis has repeatedly warned that the U.S. military remained ready to act again should Assad use chemical weapons, saying on Tuesday that Assad would "pay a very, very stiff price." At the same time, he acknowledged that Trump had only authorized the single attack, meaning the U.S. military would not automatically have the authority to strike again should Washington determine another case of chemical weapons use."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-mideast-crisis-syria-russia-mattis-idUSKBN17D2L1?il=0

--- "The presidents of the United States and Russia on Wednesday both presented souring views of the relationship between their two countries, exchanging sharp words as Moscow extended an icy welcome to the United States' top diplomat in a face-off over Syria. In Washington, President Donald Trump said the United States' relationship with Moscow "may be at an all-time low."...Hours earlier on Wednesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin was equally pessimistic, saying in an interview broadcast on Russian television, "The level of trust on a working level, especially on the military level, has not improved but has rather deteriorated." The rhetorical salvos came as U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson received an unusually hostile reception in Moscow, where any hope that the Trump administration would herald less confrontational relations was dashed in the week after the U.S. missile strike on Syria. Tillerson met Putin in the Kremlin after talking to his Russian counterpart, Sergei Lavrov, for about three hours. The Kremlin had previously declined to confirm Putin would meet Tillerson, reflecting the renewed tensions...As Tillerson sat down for talks with Lavrov on Wednesday, a volley of statements, including from a senior Russian official, appeared timed to maximize the awkwardness during the first visit to Moscow by a member of Trump's cabinet. Lavrov doubled down on Russia's support for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, repeating denials that Assad's government was to blame for the gas attack last week and adding a new theory that the attack may have been faked by Assad's enemies...Lavrov greeted Tillerson with unusually icy remarks, denouncing the missile strike on Syria as illegal and accusing Washington of behaving unpredictably. One of Lavrov's deputies was even more undiplomatic. "In general, primitiveness and loutishness are very characteristic of the current rhetoric coming out of Washington," Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov told Russia's state-owned RIA news agency. But Lavrov said some progress had been made on Syria at the meeting and that a working group would be set up to examine the poor state of U.S.-Russia ties. He also said Putin had agreed to reactivate a U.S.-Russian air safety agreement over Syria that Moscow suspended after the U.S. missile strikes. Tillerson noted the low level of trust between the two countries. "The world's two foremost nuclear powers cannot have this kind of relationship," he said. Moscow's hostility to Trump administration figures is a sharp change from last year, when Putin hailed Trump as a strong figure and Russian state television was often full of effusive praise for him."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-russia-idUSKBN17E1AF

Domestic News:

--- "U.S. President Donald Trump does not like the "border adjustment" tax cooked up by U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan and other Republicans in the House of Representatives. At least, he does not like the term. "I don't like the word 'adjustment', because our country gets taken advantage of, to use a nice term, by every other country in the world," Trump told Fox Business News in an interview that aired on Wednesday. "Adjustment means we lose. We lose." "Let's call it an import tax. Let's call it a reciprocal tax," he added. "Nobody gets angry when you say reciprocal tax." Trump was talking about a provision in Ryan's House Republican tax blueprint that has polarized the tax reform debate, as the White House tries to score a much-needed legislative victory by overhauling the U.S. tax code for the first time since the Reagan era. The proposal would exempt U.S. corporate export revenues from federal taxes, while requiring U.S. companies to shoulder the same flat 20 percent tax rate on supplies and other purchased products, whether produced overseas or domestically. But the president appeared to favor an import tax that could be adjusted to reflect the country of origin's tax rate for U.S. products. He said such an approach could take the form of trade policy rather than tax policy."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-tax-idUSKBN17E2DM?il=0

--- "Kansas Republican and state treasurer Ron Estes on Tuesday defeated Democrat civil rights attorney James Thompson to win a Congressional seat in a race that became an unlikely testing ground of an early backlash to President Donald Trump. Estes got about 53 percent of the vote, preliminary results showed, to win the Kansas 4th congressional district seat held by Republican Mike Pompeo from 2011 until he vacated it this year, to become director of the Central Intelligence Agency. "Even though we heard a lot from the national media and from people outside this state that we were not going to be able to win this race, we showed that we are still a Republican seat," Estes told supporters at a rally in Wichita...Thompson made the race a lot closer than people would have expected earlier this year, said his campaign manager Chris Pumpelly. "People were writing us off the whole time," he said. "They said it was a no-go, but we proved them all wrong. We made this race absolutely competitive and we are very proud of it."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-kansas-house-idUSKBN17E0AC?il=0

--- "U.S. President Donald Trump told The Wall Street Journal on Wednesday that he might consider withholding billions of dollars of Obamacare payments to health insurers to force Democrats back to the negotiating table on healthcare. Insurers and major medical groups have warned that not funding the payments, called cost-sharing reduction subsidies, which help cover out-of-pocket medical expenses for low-income Americans, could wreak havoc in the individual insurance markets. Trump told The Wall Street Journal that by withholding the payments, Democrats will call him to negotiate. Major medical and insurance groups penned a letter to Trump on Wednesday urging him to maintain funding for the subsidies, which amount to about $7 billion a year and are paid directly to insurers. They help cover premiums, deductibles and other medical expenses for about 7 million people who purchase health insurance on the individual health insurance market. House of Representatives Republicans sued the Obama administration for funding the subsidies, which they argue have to be appropriated by Congress. A federal judge in May 2016 ruled in favor of the Republicans, prompting an appeal by the Obama administration. The case is pending in the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. Major insurers, including Humana Inc and Aetna, have left or announced their intention to leave the Obamacare exchanges, citing multi-million-dollar losses and patient populations that are far costlier and sicker than they expected. They warned that withholding the subsidies would destabilize the market further and leave millions of consumers with little or no choice in picking a health insurance plan."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-healthcare-payments-idUSKBN17E2SO?il=0

--- "President Donald Trump signaled on Wednesday he could be moving closer to the mainstream on monetary policy, saying he had not ruled out reappointment of Janet Yellen to a new four-year term as Fed chair as he considers his choices for the central bank. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Trump was asked if Yellen was "toast" when her term expires in February, a question that reflected a widespread assumption that he would put his own stamp on the monetary authority rather than rely on former President Barack Obama's choice to run the Fed. Trump replied with his most explicit comments about the Fed since taking office, saying that Yellen was "not toast," that he had "respect" for her, and that he would prefer the Fed to keep interests rates low. Though rates are rising under Yellen they remain low by historic standards. Yellen and other policymakers have emphasized that rates will rise only gradually in the months ahead, and that monetary policy would remain loose for perhaps years to come. The Fed said it would not comment on Trump's remarks. Yellen, who like Trump turned 70 last summer, has said little about the subject other than that she intended to serve out her current four year term. Trump will have a chance to appoint five of the seven members of the Fed's Washington-based Board of Governors, including a currently open job of vice-chair in charge of financial supervision."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-fed-idUSKBN17E2U9?il=0

--- "Bharat R. Ramamurti, a legislative aide for Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren, is a contender for one of the vacancies on the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, according to people familiar with the matter. Ramamurti is senior counsel to Warren on banking and economic policy and she is staunchly backing him for the SEC job, one of the sources told Reuters. The sources spoke anonymously because deliberations on candidates for the SEC, which is the primary regulator that polices and writes rules for Wall Street, are not public. Ramamurti declined to comment. A source said a decision on the post was not imminent. In prior instances with President Donald Trump's administration, candidates in the running for positions were sometimes dropped after their names became public...Trump must nominate three people to fill out the five-member panel, which currently is down to two commissioners - Acting Chairman Michael Piwowar, a Republican, and Stein."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-sec-commissioner-idUSKBN17E2XC?il=0

--- "U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan's tax reform blueprint appears to be losing its status as the likely framework for the first major tax overhaul since 1986, with rival approaches emerging from the White House, Senate and other quarters in Congress. Congressional aides, lobbyists and analysts say the changing focus could delay passage of a tax bill until late 2017 or 2018, potentially foiling Republican efforts to score a legislative victory for President Donald Trump by August, following last month's failed bill to repeal and replace Obamacare health insurance. Like the healthcare bill, the House Republican tax blueprint stems from Ryan's "A Better Way" legislative agenda launched during the 2016 election campaign. "The House can go and do what they want to do. We are going to formulate our own policies," White House budget director Mick Mulvaney told CNBC in an interview posted on the channel's website on Wednesday. "You will have a White House, Donald Trump tax plan that we are going to take down to the Hill and try and sell. In the meantime, Senate Republicans are expected to review a 2015 tax package from former House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Dave Camp, as a starting point for their own tax legislation. Members of the House Freedom Caucus, a bloc of conservative lawmakers that helped derail Ryan’s healthcare bill, have also suggested that expanding the deficit to stave off adding new taxes could be acceptable."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-tax-idUSKBN17E2SV?il=0