#and doing it like this instead of in the private vent channels works fine

[juneibyou]

the mortifying ordeal of realizing that every step forwards i take into the communities and places i find myself drawn to continues to drag me closer to the potential of ending up near someone i would rather not interact with ever again for the rest of my life

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (131/?)

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.

ETA: Now with actual content behind the cut!

[14 October, 233 Before Age. Interstellar Space.]

The Saiyan Free Company was a loose alliance of Saiyans seeking an escape from the misrule of King Rehval III. For over a century, the Rehval Dynasty had sought to unify the Saiyan species into a proper nation state, but the Saiyans were unruly by nature, and many of them bristled at the heavy-handed policies of the monarchists. Tensions between the kingdom and the expatriates came to a head when Rehval III tried to destroy the Super Saiyan Luffa. His scheme backfired, forcing him to abandon not only his throneworld of Saiya, but his second home on Pflaume, an influential hub of commerce and diplomatic channels. With his disappearance, decades of careful statecraft were wiped out in a single stroke. The Planet Saiya was deserted, her allies bewildered, and her embassies on other worlds completely isolated.

In the midst of this political vacuum, the Princess Seltiss stepped forward to pick up the pieces her father had left behind. At only sixteen, she possessed a talent for leadership that was rare among politicians three times her age. Her secret was something her father, grandfather, and great grandfather lacked: flexibility. The Rehvals before her had relied on overwhelming displays of force to convince their subjects of their right to rule, and they reserved politics and gladhanding for the aliens they wanted to do business with. It made sense, but only if one had the power to pull it off. Seltiss was fairly weak by Saiyan standards, and in a galaxy dominated by the Legendary Super Saiyan, no one could claim to be the strongest anymore.

Instead, Seltiss listened. Her followers were disillusioned with the monarchy, or they outright despised government of any kind. So she played down her royal title whenever possible. They didn't trust her at first, because of her father, or her inexperience, or her multicultural education. So she didn't bother giving them orders directly. Instead, she used her more loyal followers to tend to their needs, and she found that they were usually more cooperative once their bellies were full and their ships were repaired. When she needed stricter military discipline, she got it by delegating command to her closest advisers: older Saiyans who respected her abilities, and were strong enough to command respect from those who wouldn't listen to her.

The end result was a strange admixture of political theory that would have probably made her great-grandfather furious. Some of the Free Companions with monarchist sentiments respected Seltiss as the rightful heir to her father. The antimonarchists saw her as the opposite: a leader who proved her worth instead of relying on a birthright. Others only followed her because she got results. Some saw her as nothing but a provider of food, supplies, and battle to fight. Many sided with her out of necessity, fearing the growing influence of the Jindan Cult and Luffa's Federation. Then there were some that saw her as a figurehead. These Saiyans only respected her advisors and generals, and viewed her as more of a symbol for keeping the whole group united. And the beauty of it was that it worked, because each of them were a little bit right about her.

It wouldn't last, of course. Eventually, Seltiss would need to transform her motley crew into something more unified, with a more obvious rule of law. Eventually she would be their Queen, or their Dear Leader, or their Chancellor, or whatever other title they could all agree upon, but for now she was satisfied that they all followed her. She would adjust as the situation called for it. There were simple relationships that governed everything in life. Cold equations that could be managed, but never ignored. Too many failed regimes in history had treated rebellions like foreign invaders. Protests, riots, revolts, these were all the result of societal pressures. The goal was to vent the pressure and find ways to redirect and release those energies before they upset the system. That usually meant changing the system itself, and those in power often loathed to do this. Change could be difficult, and some leaders took change personally, like an affront to their past authority. Those who wielded power had to be able to adapt to the times, or they would find their power taken away from them. Those who failed to vent the pressure would be destroyed in the explosion. It was inevitable.

At long last, it seemed like her father had finally failed to adapt. She knew the day would come, just as the day came when her father replaced Rehval II. The Saiyan Free Company was part of her plan to assure a smooth transition of power. She was proud to see it work so well, but it was all happening much sooner than she had expected.

It was a relief to retire to her quarters. Her command ship was one of the best in her fleet, but the accommodations were still very modest compared to the dorms at various private schools she had attended in her short life. She had decorated the cabin with a few posters and alien souvenirs she had picked up during the war. Her favorite was a lamp she found that contained a suspension of wax and some unknown liquid. The heat of the lamp would melt the wax and make it float up and down through the liquid, and the whole thing was dyed in her favorite shade of pink, which made it perfect. She shut off the other lights and sat on the couch to admire the rosy glow. It was something she had started doing lately to relax.

It wasn't working.

Just when she was about to shut off the light and try to sleep, the door chime sounded, and she answered it to find Xibuyas waiting to come inside.

"I... didn't mean to disturb you, my lady," he said, in that adorable way where he tried to make his voice sound a little more mature.

"It's fine, Xibuyas," she said. "What's on your mind?"

"Good news, I think," Xibuyas said.

"If it's about the fleet that's going to the Jindans' base, I've already heard about it," she said.

"No, better than that," Xibuyas said. He handed a computer pad to her. "I had the crew run a tactical simulation for me. There's a very good chance we can destroy Luffa's ship during the battle."

Seltiss looked down at the pad, then back at Xibuyas. "Um, what?" was all she could ask.

"It's safe to assume that when we reach the enemy stronghold, the allied fleet will begin a bombardment of the surface," he explained. "Once that's complete, we'll have a narrow opening to turn our weapons on Luffa's engines. The Federation ships may turn on us, but the projections on that pad show a casualty rate no higher than sixty percent. Acceptable losses, as far as I'm concerned."

Seltiss took a deep breath and looked at the pad to review his findings. She didn't go over it very closely, but seeing the word "Luffa" and the number "60" was enough to tell her this was not a joke. "Wow. Like, you really want her dead that badly, huh?"

"She's an abomination," Xibuyas growled.

"We're allies, Xibuyas," she said.

"That alliance will be over once the cult is destroyed," he countered. "Our best chance to destroy her is to strike while she's on a spacecraft, where her powers won't save her."

"What happened to all that bluster about getting stronger and defeating her in battle?" Seltiss asked. "Because this plan sounds like it was drafted by someone who's given up on that."

He looked her in the eye, then turned away from her. "I... was forced to re-evaluate my strategy," he said.

"You can't beat her," Seltiss said. "You think you'll never be able to beat her."

"It won't matter," Xibuyas insisted. "Either way, she dies, and this way it will be over that much sooner. Then the Saiyan race can move forward again."

"This isn't about the Saiyan race, Xibuyas," Seltiss said. "This is about your pride. You're still wound up over the idea that you might be Luffa's son--"

"I am not her son!" he seethed.

She no longer believed him. Her father had raised Xibuyas like one of the family, claiming that he had been an orphan. Xibuyas grew up with astonishing powers, which her father claimed to be the results of his own alchemical enhancements. It all made perfect sense at the time, but now that she had met Luffa in person, Seltiss could see the resemblance between them. Ironically, Xibuyas looked even more like Luffa when he angrily denied any relation to her. But there was no point in saying any of this out loud.

"Chill out, " she said. "We've been over this already. I need you, Xibuyas. I need you to help me make this Free Company work. Your bio-parents aren't important to me. But we do need Luffa, at least for a while longer."

"Why?" he demanded. This was the closest they had ever come to a genuine argument. Growing up, he had always revered her like a queen. He took the Saiyan royal family very seriously, even when she did not. It hadn't been easy to convince him to side with her against Rehval, but in the end his love for her won out. Now, she was beginning to worry that his hatred for Luffa might prevail against her.

"Look, we have to win this war, sure, but we've got to win the peace that follows," she explained. "Right now, Luffa makes things easier for me. She gives Saiyans everywhere something in common. They're all afraid of her. Even the ones that respect her know she could kill them whenever she wants."

"And this is helpful?" Xibuyas grumbled.

"Look in every generation, one of us is the strongest, but we don't always know who it is," Seltiss explained. "A lot of times, even the strongest Saiyan is outclassed by some monster or alien. My father claimed to be the strongest, but it wasn't exactly obvious, not like it is with Luffa. Or you."

He tensed up at this, so she reached out to put her arms on his shoulders. She'd learned a long time ago that affectionate gestures like these helped to calm his stormy moods, and it always reinforced his loyalty to her. Xibuyas had a glowing yellow aura when he used his full power, and while his hair didn't change color, it wasn't hard to notice the resemblance between his aura and Luffa's transformation. He had been self-conscious about it ever since their first encounter on Pflaume.

"Look, big guy," she said, "you've been stronger than my dad for a while now. Maybe you've always been stronger. And I need that, for sure, but if Luffa's out of the picture, that makes you the strongest Saiyan, no question. And you've seen how everyone feels about her. If something happens to her, they'll turn that resentment on you next."

"It would be different for me," Xibuyas insisted.

"Maybe, but they're still not ready," Seltiss said. "Not all of them, anyway. It helps that you're a man, but some of them would still resent you. For now, they see you as a counterbalance against Luffa, and we need to cement that idea for a while. And once they're used to you, then we can think about where to go in a world without Super Saiyans."

"But this may be the only chance we get!" Xibuyas said.

"Don't be so sure," Seltiss said. "You may not believe in your powers, but I do." She patted him on the cheek, then turned to approach a small refrigerator on the other side of her room. "You want a soda?"

The offer might have angered him a moment earlier, but her flattery had taken a lot of the fight out of him. Now, he seemed to remember where he was, and the awkward anticipation he felt from spending time in her quarters. The boy was madly in love with her, and sharing a snack in her room was like a sneak preview of being married to her someday. When he finally remembered to answer her question, she tossed him a bottle and directed him to sit down. Then she took a seat beside him, draping his right arm over her shoulder like a scarf.

"Look, if we have to kill Luffa, we'll figure something out," Seltiss said after they each took a few sips. "I'm not saying we rule it out completely. But maybe we can work out something that, um, won't kill two thirds of our forces? You want to be king some day, right? Well, a king needs subjects."

He tried to hold his right arm still, like he was afraid of accidentally groping her somehow. He kept his fingers in as natural a pose as he could, but she could feel the tension in his muscles. As for his left arm, he wiped his mouth and sighed.

"Then... you still plan to be my bride," he said, as though he were just making idle conversation.

"Well, duh, how else can you be king?" she teased. "I'm the one with the royal blood."

"I just... I thought..." he took another sip as he put the words together. "It was King Rehval's plan that we marry," he finally said. "And you told me that we had more leverage by sticking together, because he needs us. In case your schemes failed, we could always go back to him and he would have no choice but to let us return. But now, we're preparing to kill him, and when that happens..."

She giggled softly. "All bets are off, is that what you're worrying about?" she asked. "My father's made a lot of mistakes, Xibuyas. Big mistakes, if you ask me. But pairing us off wasn't one of them. Sure, he only saw us as good breeding stock for making more Saiyan elites, but besides that, we make a good team, don't we? I need something to keep you around, don't I?"

"I see," he said, doing his best to hide his relief. "I didn't want to presume--"

"Of course, if you've found someone else, I can't exactly stand in your way," Seltiss joked. "Maybe you met some Federation farmgirl in one of the border systems."

"Absolutely not!" Xibuyas said. "I'd be lost without you, my lady. The only place for me is by your side."

Which was exactly the sort of response she had come to expect from him. In whatever society Seltiss would eventually build, Xibuyas would be its first citizen. Her father had found him, or stolen him from Luffa, or he grew him in a test tube, or whatever. Xibuyas revered him as a father/creator, but Seltiss had become his friend, his true love, his princess. Winning his loyalty from her father had been the first proof that she was capable of surpassing King Rehval III and staking claim to her own place in history. It was comforting to know that she still had Xibuyas wrapped around her little finger.

But not comforting enough.

"It must be difficult for you," she said after a long silence. "We've been plotting against my dad all this time, but I didn't think we'd reach this point so soon."

Xibuyas shrugged. "I only followed him because of you," he said. "It's a pity that things had to turn out this way, but he brought this upon himself."

"Yeah," Seltiss said. "But even so, he was like a father to you. It must be tough going into battle against him like this."

"Not at all," he said. "The man I respected, the man who was your father, that man died some time ago. If he ever really existed at all. I didn't want to believe the reports, that this 'Trismegistus' was actually King Rehval, but the intelligence reports are clear. He's not even trying to hide his madness. Killing him will be an act of mercy. Better than letting him live out his days as some pathetic wizard."

"I just always imagined things going differently," Seltiss said. "I wanted to build the Free Company into something bigger, and then reveal it to him when the time was right. Maybe ten years from now, or even fifteen. Then he would see what I'd accomplished, and he'd have no choice but to turn over his kingdom to me. He'd have to admit that I was ready, that I was better at this than he ever was."

"You already are better than he is," Xibuyas said. "Much as it galls me to fight alongside Luffa, your alliances and planning have all paid off. We stand ready to crush your father with overwhelming force. What more could you ask for?"

"Yeah," Seltiss said. "I guess I just wanted something more personal. You know, Luffa told me that Rehval's not even his real name. She said the real Rehval III was my uncle, and dad killed him and stole his identity."

Xibuyas made a loud harrumph. "I wouldn't put too much stock in anything that woman says," he grumbled.

"Is it any harder to believe than this cult leader scene he's into now?" Seltiss asked. "The point is that we'll never know for sure, because we'll never see him again. And it's a good thing. The Saiyan race can't move forward until he's out of the picture, sure. But... it's still tragic, you know? Things could have turned out differently."

He looked at her and smiled triumphantly. "It is tragic, for him. But it's like you've always told me. One man's tragedy is another's gain. You should be thrilled, Princess Seltiss. Killing your own father is a dream come true for most Saiyans. And at your age! You'll go down in history, with all the other old heroes."

Xibuyas stood up, and for a moment she thought he was going to lift her up from the couch and hold her in his arms. Instead, he took a step away from her, and knelt before her in supplication.

"I did have some attachment to the old man. I admit it," he said. "But his time is over, and his usefulness to you is at an end! We'll throw him away and never look back, just like you've always promised. I... I've always been in awe of your brilliance, Seltiss. And you're right about Luffa. I shouldn't let her get in my head. We have our whole lives to rid ourselves of that wretched beast, and with your genius, I know we can do it."

She didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him to get up, to hold her in his arms and tell her it would be all right. She wanted to tell him how conflicted she felt about killing her father. Necessary as it was, she still found it hard to face the reality of it. It had been easier before, when no one knew where King Rehval was, or that he had anything to do with Trismegistus' cult. But now there was no denying that Rehval was a menace to the Saiyan species, and it was her duty to destroy him. The cold equations demanded it. Her political career, the welfare of her people, the welfare of the entire galaxy, they all depended upon her father's death.

But she would still miss him when he was gone. Perhaps this was part of the equations that Seltiss hadn't considered until it was too late. It wasn't that Rehval had been a good father to her. He had probably lied to her more than she would ever know. It was likely that he saw her and her sisters as little more than breeding stock. But he still mattered. She kept thinking of one morning when she was a little girl. He cooked breakfast for her. There wasn't anything particularly important about that memory, but it was enough to make her regret what was going to happen to him.

She always thought Xibuyas felt something similar towards her father, but apparently not. Or perhaps he chose to hide it, the same way she was hiding her own feelings. She couldn't show weakness at this crucial moment. Everything she knew about leadership told her that she had to be steadfast and unwavering. She didn't love Xibuyas. "Love" was just a word she used to keep him on her side. She couldn't allow herself use him as a source of emotional support. It would only teach him that he had leverage with her. The boy was too powerful as it was.

"On your feet, kiddo," she said, forcing herself to smile. When he stood, she got up and gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. She hoped that the low light in the room would keep him from noticing the sadness in her eyes.

"I keep telling you," she said. "You don't have to bow to me, okay? You're going to rule by my side one of these days, remember? We'll be equals. So as far as I'm concerned, we already are, got it?"

"You're so much more than I could ever aspire to be," he said. "I... I should go. You need your rest for the battle to come."

He always excused himself this way whenever he began to get emotional. He thought he was being subtle, but she could tell from the change in his voice, and the way he suddenly wasn't sure what to do with his hands.

And she let him go, since she felt the same way. It would have been nice to have him stay, to hold her as she cried over her father's lamentable fate. But Xibuyas wouldn't understand, or worse, he might see her indecision as a vulnerability. She had to be strong, even in front of him. Especially in front of him.

So she waited for him to walk out the door, then sat alone in her room, watching the light from her pink oil lamp dance across the walls. Soon enough, the tears came, and she wondered if her father had ever felt so alone.

NEXT: The Homefront

[artificialenvy]

CALLOUT POST

@currynahh / @currynya is a shitty person.

I am making this post because I refuse to let them throw around accusations that I'm a predator.

Reasons I believe they are shitty:

I have ADHD, but I'll try not to derail any points.

After not seeing my spouse since Highschool, they invited them to a discord server. I was brought along and given a "+1" role, as in "This person isn't one of us, just @twiranux 's +1. I wouldn't have had a problem with that if it didn't create and "In group" and "out group" where the people in the ingroup treated the +1 role as "not a friend, just a +1."

They have a room for venting in that server, as a lot of people do. I have seen people typing in there on three occasions and decided not to interrupt them for my own needs, however the time I got to start typing in there and posted a couple of messages to indicate I would be typing, someone else came in and made it about them. I doubt they meant harm by that, but I went to @currynahh and explained it hurt to be silenced like that. I wasn't looking for an apology, I was looking for a solution so other people don't get hurt. My proposed suggestion was a second vent room for if there were 2 people needing it at once on that large a server, it would be helpful, or atleast a rule about interrupting vulnerable people. They dismissed this saying "two rooms wouldn't help because what if there were THREE people" which, if there were three people at the same time one would still have to wait, but the line would be split in half and people would be able to use it if it was an emergency and the first space was already taken without interrupting.

When they dismissed this idea, I said (and I dont have the exact quote as I left the channel, something @currynahh is very particular about is exact phrasing.) "If there's no rule against interrupting I guess next time I'm in need to type and someone is already using the safe space, I'll just be That Dickhead[TM] and interrupt? Can't wait." to which they threatened me with a ban, assuming I meant I was going to actively hurt people instead of just pointing out that there being no rule meant ANYONE could be That Dickhead[TM]

I also pointed out the inconsistency of threatening me with a ban for saying I'd do what the other user actually did and cut someone off. (they never spoke to the person who interrupted me about the event, to my knowledge, and I never spoke to them or saw their name) so I referred to them as "the fucker who interrupted me." Not in a mean way, just.. Here people can be called fuckers, like calling kids brats. I apologized once they said they found that rude, but they kept bringing it up saying I was name calling.

This is Hearsay, but apparently they said the person probably interrupted me because of ADHD, they seem a bit too comfortable deciding what is a factor of someone's else disabilities without consulting them.

Them dismissing my problems and threatening me with a ban instead of trying to fix their server made me actually go to name calling, and I still feel it's fair to call them a heartless cunt. Heartless for pretending to care when really they just wanted to defend someone in the in-group, Cunt cause it's a great word and it fits. I know the word Cunt is seen more harshly in some places, again, so much here. They really take offense to regional and class based dialects. They went to a private school and were calling me mean for just calling a dude I had no name for as "a fucker" when to me, someone who's poor and went to public school in a shitty town in Ontario, it's the norm here.

Since they showed they really didn't care I told them they were fake and left their channel, my spouse chose to follow me which I didnt know about at the time.

They DMed my spouse with another person who hasn't spoken to my spouse or I in 6 years to call me toxic, abusive and a predator. My spouse said they wouldn't have that conversation without me, as its childish and unproductive to just talk behind peoples backs. When @currynahh kicked me out of the group chat, refusing to talk like adults, my spouse asked me to log into their account to participate since they didn't want to be cornered by these two people to talk shit about someone they care about.

They call me toxic and abusive because I vaguely know the passwords to @twiranux 's accounts, despite never logging in unless asked to (for example a daily event in a videogame that they won't be able to make in time but wants the rewards.) and because on one occasion while I was napping, my spouse forgot an agreement we made about watching a specific movie together and I was upset about that, as I'm sure most people would be if their partner agreed to not watch something without them. I tried to keep my cool and just stay out of the way of their enjoyment, but my spouse wanted me to join in atleast for the end so I did, still grumpy but trying to make the best of it. If they had waited an hour or chose a different movie, things would've been different but @currynahh doesn't want "excuses."

They call me a predator because the person I'm married to is 2 years younger than me. @twiranux and I have been together almost 9 years now, we started Long Distance Online Dating just playing minecraft, listening to owl city (our song's Honey and The Bee 🐝,) and making Garry's Mod youtube videos. We would've been about 13 and 15 at the time, though it is worth noting that our birthdays were less than a month away from when we started dating so 14 and 16 if you want to make that distinction, I was in class with people the same age as my spouse. They think the age is gross, but we were two neurodivergent kids who were extremely sheltered at the time (helicopter parents/physical disabilities) who could only have freedom online. We had met through liking the same movies and youtubers and knew eachother a year before, while I was asking for advice on asking someone else out, my now spouse confessed attraction to me and I suggested we try "dating" for a bit, which consisted of nothing new except drawing cute pictures and giving eachother nicknames. I dont know if I knew their age at the time, but I did think they were a boy which didn't change anything, just hopefully shows I wasn't some 30 year old neckbeard hunting for kids on the net, I was just a disabled kid who was caught off guard by a confession of attraction and rolled with it.

@currynahh says they have proof that we weren't innocent in highschool, as (they claim) we asked them to write nsfw fanfic about us, which.. we didn't? My spouse has no idea where thats coming from and neither do I so just a blatant lie. Not that it's anyone's business but my spouse and I didnt meet in person for about 4 years and anything physical took place after we were both legal adults, im not comfortable going into more detail.

After my spouse had me log onto their account to show they weren't going to be cornered by those two, I was allowed back into the group chat to try and figure out why they think im problematic, but @currynahh insists im just making excuses when I've just been saying exactly what im saying here. They say I'm sugarcoating it, I disagree. I dont have the exact words I said about everything, but admitting to calling her a Heartless Cunt isn't something I'd do if i were sugarcoating it as she suggests. This is how it played out they keep trying to shove me into this "abuser" box they framed me in without knowing me.

They would repeatedly spew paragraphs of "points" then block me and leave the group chat while I was typing up a response. They don't want excuses (read: explanations) and they don't care about facts (that they misunderstood certain things and was willing to clear up what I meant if they weren't so caught up on semantics.)

I will not go into my partners mental illnesses on this platform, but they have a psychiatrist who I've met and I have to (sometimes in a way that looks controlling to someone who doesn't know the problems) keep my spouse grounded. The Psychiatrist thought I was doing a great job at managing it, but @currynahh disagrees, saying I'm enabling (without even letting us tell them what the problem is or how im helping.)

Which brings us to the next point; they say I can't talk about the mental health of myself or my spouse because it will trigger them, meaning they block any attempt we make at explaining how it works. They treat us as a neurotypical couple and call it abusive when I'm literally just doing what's deemed best by a psychiatrist for my spouse.

For DARING to tell her to stop calling me a predator, she calls me a narcissist, which is just.. Very cool. Love me some armchair diagnosis. They also diagnosed me with anger issues (from one call in which I was grumpy and then me trying to defend myself from these accusations.) So really, I think docs are being paid too much 'cause @currynahh is doing their job for free.

Because they weren't listening to my spouse, my spouse decided to stop typing, especially since she was just going on long rants then leaving the server before we could reply. Whenever @twiranux gets a chance to speak, @currynahh would leave the server claiming it triggers their anxiety to face the consequences of what they said. Then they would tell me to quit speaking over @twiranux when I was just speaking on our behalf, while in a call with @twiranux due to these reasons.

Instead of keeping their nose out of our relationship like we were asking, they kept trying to tell my spouse (who chose to marry me and lives in another country) that im abusive because they think trusting eachother is a sign of abuse.

Instead of listening that we're fine, they throw a tantrum and tell us to go to marriage counseling (which, although I wouldn't be opposed to going, is very telling that they think people can just do things that require money on a whim.)

They say that "instead of saving up to move in together and have kids you should put money towards marriage counseling" which again, what savings do they think I have? My bank account has -$4.00 in it and my spouse can't work right now. We have nothing.

They keep bringing up kids and how would we raise them? Would they not have privacy? Its a stupid point they threw out there as currently there aren't plans to have kids and there's huuuge difference between a married couple knowing eachothers passwords and not letting your kids have privacy.

They keep bringing up the fact that we've lost friends before without knowing why. So if they want to private message me I'd be happy to tell her about how we left our last friend group after a dispute where the other people were claiming the N word was inoffensive. Or the group that actually was trying to get into my spouses pants and we weren't comfortable there. You keep making accusations then refusing to listen to facts.

Idk if I'm missing anything, if they unblock me and see this they will probably say I'm staw-manning again without actually telling me how and while having no counter arguments. They also don't accept my adhd for accidentally derailing, while using theirs to deflect any criticism.

Karina, you don't know us and you say even talking about our mental health will trigger you, so you need to accept that you're unwilling or unable to understand the dynamics of our relationship but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's toxic. I wouldn't have made this post if you didn't keep calling me a predator, but I need to clear that accusation publicly before you keep throwing around dangerous labels.

Grow up. Get some help. Learn that your POV isn't the only one.

[elliottcoka]

My Discord Roleplay Hell

I hate to be this person, but it’s time.

I can’t remember the day anymore. It was a year ago or more, but I joined a Hogwarts Roleplaying server. This server evolved into a new server, as life goes on and changes. I’ve had my ups and downs with the server owner, Lord. As an adult, I didn’t care too much. I genuinely tried to work through our problems & there have been points I thought I’d solved our issues. I can’t even remember most of the issues anymore, but nonetheless, things weren’t solved. This person acted kindly to me while talking badly about me in staff chats. How do I know this? Not only did someone come forward and tell me, but I got to see these messages myself when I became a part of the staff.

Here we have her accusing me of making an alt to try to, I guess, destroy her relationship. Not only did she edit the screenshots she posted in a STAFF VENT (those are all separate messages from different times in the conversation), but she said she will ruin me if I happen to be an alt that accused her of cheating. What I really asked was why she, her boyfriend, and a new staff member shared a role called “Triforce”. I said “are they together? Or is it some video gaming thing I don’t understand” as I saw they were playing league at the time. (This is paraphrased! Message screenshot is below!!)

This person has pushed being a monogamist so much in chats before. I’m fine with both monogamists and poly people, but she always said she could never be poly. I was confused about a role. That’s all this was.

She never messaged me to talk. She never told me “I don’t like you, and I don’t feel like things are resolved.” I’ve had multiple talks doing my best to make things better between us. This isn’t the only thing said about me in staff chats. Here’s the rest:

I suggested a channel for writing help because the people who RP on that server aren’t very advanced. A lot of them struggle with basic grammar so I thought it would help people. Instead, Lord says I’m just bragging. In these messages, the staff members are dragging multiple users (complaining about them), and lord throws my name into it. 

I have more screenshots from the rest of the staff that don’t involve lord, but I’m only going to post as much as Tumblr will allow for this post. I would not include them, however, there are people bashing me who haven’t really interacted with me. She’s made me out to be some awful person just because we have beef. She shit talks people in voice chats as well. She’s raided an old server & got them shut down for CH*LD P*RN! This is all because they “mutinied” her that fateful year ago, & she made a new server.

Why am I making this post??

To warn discord users.

Her HP roleplaying server is the largest one I’ve seen. She has over 1000 members, even though less than half are probably active. She’s bribed the users with house points if they give a good review for the server. And with someone who’s taken down a server under the circumstances she did, I’ve genuinely been scared. She’s had some sort of grudge against me for the longest time, and no matter what I’ve done, I’m still shit on & things won’t be okay. They have a Tumblr. It’s: https://hogwartswnw.tumblr.com/

I want everyone to know how much I HATE drama. I’m not joking when I say I’ve tried to work things out with her so many times, and I felt sick when I saw these messages in the staff chats.

But people need to be warned. I do not want anyone else to join her server, think you can be her friend, and come out unscathed.

I’m attaching all screenshots I can (that I think are most important) in this message. I will reblog with other screenshots. For now, I’m going to list the things I’ve experienced. Unfortunately, I do not have screenshots for it all. I do think the pattern from this person’s behavior is (hopefully) enough for you to believe me.

She shit talks her old server. She calls it Oldwarts. This is the server she sank with false allegations (as far as I’m aware, as someone who worked with her told me). She still mentions it even though the people involved not only lost their server but their accounts as well.

She says she’s LGBTQ friendly, but she added a gender role of “attack helicopter” after a lot of cis (also Straight for the majority) asked for it once gender roles were a thing. When other LGBTQ users confronted her for this, she told them that it was just a joke. Users that asked for the role also told the LGBTQ people coming forward that they needed to take it as a joke. After much backlash, the role was finally removed.

I was in a server she had dedicated to raiding.

She shit talks servers for fun. She will join (it’s important to note that she says she has MANY alts, so I doubt she always joins on her main) and take screenshots to make fun of or belittle servers with others in the server. While she has not encouraged trolling behavior, she has not discouraged it when people have asked to join the “shitty” server.

She shit talks people. She has shared private DMs to talk badly about people. As a server owner, I just don’t think that’s appropriate.

She posts N*FW content in general channels even though she’s not only a m*nor but has a n*fw chat.

Her staff made a server called Oldwarts, mocking the server they hate & destroyed. 

I’m honestly sure there’s more that she does. The point is not to list everything. The point is to warn you of her behavior. As someone who’s managed servers as large as hers, I know a successful server can be run without this. It’s unnecessary and childish.

Please, if you want to join a Harry Potter roleplay server, avoid this one. Because of this server & “Lord”, I’ve been scared to make my own. Remember to be safe on the internet. Don’t share too much info, and keep an eye out for people like this.

Above are more screenshots of things said about me as well as proof of searching in staff chats for my name and nickname. As you can see, I was on an expel list from someone I didn’t talk to. My character & person had no warnings or strikes, but because I was disliked I was on an expel list. Then, in an editor chat, I’m misgendered even though my nickname has my pronouns in it. I couldn’t include the screenshot, but when called out, “Nord” continued to misgender me. (I bring this up because they say they’re LGBTQ inclusive, but changing pronouns in a MESSAGE you can EDIT isn’t too hard to do). You can also see that the position I applied for gets a trial period in case I’m “troublesome”. Once again, in this server, I have not gotten warnings or strikes for behavior.

These messages are the ones I’d deem most important. There are more, I’ve just reached Tumblrs limit, & I don’t think the other screenshots have as much substance.

If you’ve read this, even skimmed, thank you. It would mean the world to me if you could share this. This is their discord link. Their oldwarts server is linked. They also have a social server which will be linked as well. I am ONLY linking so you can AVOID the server. Please do not send hate to these people.

https://disboard.org/server/510818944781778944

https://disboard.org/server/555840909913096202

https://disboard.org/server/565200348248277012

[dresupi]

i don’t need therapy, i just need to vent

Darcy Lewis Crack Challenge |  Day 3: Stuck in an air vent | 

Ship: Darcy Lewis/Axel Cluney |  Rating: T  |  Word Count: 3055 |  Characters: Wade Wilson, Jesse Aaronson | Bedlam, Shatterstar, Axel Cluney | Zeitgeist, | Neena Thurmon | Domino, Cable, Peter (Deadpool) |  Prompt: Day 3 - Stuck in an air vent |  Other Tags: Swearing, Crack, Break-Up, Post Break-Up, Reunited and it feels so good, Humor, Group chat, Awkward, Banter, Fourth wall break | 

Summary:

Darcy's stuck in an air vent and ofc her ex is the one who comes to unstick her.

Darcy bit down on her bottom lip and released the green 'button' on her phone screen that would connect her to the communication app she'd designed for Wade.. It was a simple enough app, she'd made one for the Avengers too. X-Force just seemed to use it more.

This mission wasn't supposed to be this complicated. It was supposed to be a quick job. One and done. Break in, steal the intel, sneak out.

But of course, it didn't go that way, because the universe hated Darcy Lewis. Hate, hate, hate, capital H.

Okay, maybe it didn't hate her, but it certainly loved fucking up things that were supposed to be easy and then laughing at her while she scrambled.

She probably shouldn't have tried to do this alone. She was technically a field agent, but mostly, everyone wanted her for tech. And the intel she'd stolen was about that. But field agenting was something she was still green at. But Cable had needed the intel, and everyone else glazed over when she started talking about dismantling the firewall, so. Here she was.

"What is it, Monkey?" Wade's voice responded.

"Wade," she replied.

"Use our code names, dearheart."

"WADE. This is a private channel. No one's hacking in, I promise."

"Still not right, but I can tell by your tone that things aren't exactly peachy keen, so I'll let that slide. My code name is Rainbow Smash, in case you forgot."

She hadn't. But he was right about the' no time' thing. "Look. I got the intel Cable asked for. That part was easy."

"Okay, I sense a but in the future. Or a, however. Probably a but."

"It's a but. These idiots came back from wherever the hell they were and now I'm stuck in this vent because if I shimmy out the way I came in, I'll not only alert everyone in this building with the resulting rumble, I'll probably get mowed down by assault rifles before I can even squeeze out of the vent."

"Where are you now?"

She looked around, her surroundings not helping in the slightest, so she pressed against the smartwatch on her wrist, swiping through all the screens until she found the infrared map.  "Directly above the barracks. No one's there currently, but they will be in a few hours. And the longer I stay put, the more likely this vent will give way and I'll fall into AIM barracks on my ass."

"Damn those AIM bastards for needing a tight ten and a half every night…" Wade muttered. "Listen. We'll get you out. Just sit tight. I'll send someone in to get you."

"Right. Because another person in the vents is what we need."

"Look, you can't go crawling over their heads and risking them hearing you unless we got a clear shot out.  Plus. Two is better than one."

"Only if one of the two is Cable," she countered.

"Noted."

"So you're sending Cable?

"Did I not say noted?" he asked.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Yes. But that doesn't always mean you're doing what I asked."

"I will do what's best for you, Monkey."

She sighed. "Give me an approximate wait time."

"Seven minutes."

"Okay. I'll chill for seven, and if no one's here, I'm calling you back."

"I'd expect nothing less."

She exhaled and lay her head down on her folded arms and started to count four hundred and twenty Mississippis.

Approximately three-hundred-ninety Mississippis later

"Incoming, Monkey," Wade's voice rang in her ear.

"Cable?" she asked hopefully.

"Nah. But I got you the next best thing."

She raised her head off her folded arms, watching as a very familiar face crawled around the corner in the vents. But it wasn't Cable.

"Axel!" she exclaimed, frowning as her ex continued army crawling towards her.

She got back on her comm. "Wade. WADE! I asked for Cable."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Axel replied, his voice on a slight delay in her ear as well.

"Why are you on my comm when you're right there?" she asked.

"Oh right. I kind of have everyone on the same channel. Or Bedlam did. I don't have admin access anymore," Wade replied.

She would facepalm, but she was kind of in an air vent, so she sighed heavily. "Who else is here?"

"Hiya Darce!" came Domino's bright greeting. "Cable's also here, but he's not talking. Typical."

"I would if I had something to say," was his terse reply. "Shatterstar's here too, pick on him instead."

"Only in spirit, I couldn't fit in Doppinder's cab," was the curt response.

She pressed her lips together in frustration. "Wade. I asked specifically for Cable."

"Zeitgeist is the next best thing."

Hardly. She turned her gaze to Axel's. She almost couldn't look at him. Pain bloomed right over her heart and she swallowed back the lump in her throat. This wasn't funny. This was raw and painful and the worst timing of ever for her to have to face him again.

"I don't mean to be rude," she began.

"Cable couldn't fit through the vents, so I'm here," Axel said sharply. "I'm pulling you out because I don't want you to get shot to pieces. Can we please put our personal shit to the side for the next half hour?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, embarrassed to be so perfectly called out for all the right reasons. This was work. Not some awkward night at Sister Margaret's where they caught each others' eyes and slunk to opposite tables, Darcy taking Cable and Domino, mostly because Cable was already sitting across the room from everyone else.

"Awesome," Axel said with a cool smirk.

"Aww, you guys…" Wade cooed on the comm.  Both Darcy and Axel chose to ignore him, as did everyone else in the comm group chat

Axe switched to business mode immediately. Which Darcy was still in charge of her brain enough to admit was totally hot. "Follow me around the corner and they'll pull my cord, yank us both out slowly."

"How did they not hear you?" she asked.

"I crawled in over the laundry room. There was a load in the dryer so they couldn't hear me crawling. Won't have that luxury on the way back, so it's good they're dragging us." He shot her a quick smile that faded immediately. Almost like he'd forgotten for a second that they weren't in flirty banter mode.

"Heya Darce. Bedlam here…" The lower voice immediately shocked her until she remembered that they were all here. All of X-Force. Why Bedlam hadn't piped in during her impromptu roll call, she didn't know.

"Sure, what is it, B?" she asked, slowly moving around the corner.

"I'm out here on the roof with the pulley. Just letting you know that we gotta drag you slowly so the cord we attached to Axe won't snap."

"I'm not that heavy, am I?" Darcy joked.

"What? No! Not in the slightest, but this is a different sort of weight than it's used to. Just wanted to let ya know… … You're not big. You're not. Not what I meant."

Axel snickered a little, stopping when Darcy shot him a look.  "What? You're not."

"It's fine, let's just get a move on, okay?" she replied.

A bead of sweat dripped down her forehead as she followed Axel around the corner. It was an awkward squeeze, but she finally made it.

"Okay. grab my hands," Axel said, holding both out in front of him.

"Just making sure, but… you're feeling alright, aren't you? You're not hungover, or nauseated, or claustrophobic or anything, are you?"

He shot her a look. "If I was, I wouldn't be doing this," he said. His tone taking on a much softer tone that called back to something Darcy wasn't ready to revisit just yet. The break up was too fresh.

She simply nodded tersely and held out both arms towards him.  He gripped her gloved hands tightly

"We're ready," he said.

Slowly, they began to inch forward. Backward for Axel, but down the vent, regardless.

Bedlam had been right. It was slow. Achingly slow.

"D, you alright, baby?" Bedlam's voice came into her comm and she nodded before stopping herself and actually replying out loud.

"Doing fine. I don't weigh too much for the cord, do I?" she teased, even though her heart wasn't in it, what with being dragged slowly through the vent by her ex and all.

"Darcy… you know that's not what I meant. You're a good healthy weight." He paused before continuing, "We'll have both of ya outta there soon."

"Umm…" A decidedly more timid voice joined in. "Is there any way I can mute you guys?"

Axel frowned, tilting his head as he tried to recognize the voice. "Peter?"

Darcy groaned in protest. "Wade. Is Peter with you guys?" He had to stop bringing him to dangerous places like this.

"No, actually…" Wade replied.

"I'm at my nephew's bar mitzvah," Peter replied.

"Why do you have your comm with you?" Bedlam asked, sounding slightly perturbed.

"Well. After Darcy set it up for me, I didn't want to mess it up, so it just… pairs to my headset automatically…"

"Well, just unpair your headset," Darcy said. This was actually something she knew how to fix. "It should send the call back to the app on your phone, and you can disconnect."

"Oh great. Thank you!" Peter sounded relieved, so they all waited a few moments, Axe and herself slowly inching down the vent the whole while. A snail was probably faster.

"Uh oh…" Peter's voice sounded distinctly more echo-y. As did the background noise. Which very quickly became numerous groans of anguish.

"What is uh-oh?" Darcy asked.

"I might have… sent the group chat to the DJ's Bluetooth speakers…"

"Disconnect from the speakers," Darcy exclaimed. "Peter. Just disconnect from--"

At that moment, she and Axe stopped moving. Since they weren't moving fast to begin with, it wasn't jarring, but he grunted out a sound that vaguely registered to her as pain, so she abruptly snapped her attention to him.

"I'm caught on something," he said. "Stop pulling." He released her hands and slipped his arm down his side, rummaging around before ceasing all movement entirely. He exhaled loudly. "Shit."

"Language!" Peter chastised. "You're still on the DJ's Bluetooth… I'm so sorry, these are my coworkers… that last part was for the bar mitzvah guests," he explained. "But really, if you could all watch your language."

"We're kind of in deep doo-doo, here, Peter," Darcy hissed.

"Thank you. Just like that. Thanks, Darcy."

"For the love of--"

"It's my tact belt," Axel concluded, looking back at Darcy. "Something's snagged."

"Great. Take off the belt and we'll go," she said.

"Not that easy, I can't fit it through the loops with everything attached to it. I also can't reach where I'm snagged, so…"

She sighed. "So I need to? Is that what you're so eloquently refusing to ask me?"

He made some sort of movement that was probably supposed to be a shrug. "Well yes. I can't quite bend that way. You're smaller."

"You are," Bedlam piped in, happy to finally be able to save his ass from his combined weight statement before. "You're so much smaller and--"

"Shut it, both of you. Left or right?" she asked, nodding once when Axel jutted his head to the left.

Darcy let go of his hands, inching forward until she could hook her chin over his shoulder and reach down to where he was snagged. She couldn't see what she was doing, but she could definitely smell his cologne and aftershave and laundry detergent. It made her eyes water, but not in a 'jesus-christ-stop-wearing-so-much-product' kind of way. It was more of a triggered memory kind of thing, and she didn't like this in the slightest.

"Okay, I think I found where to unpair the speakers," Peter said.

"Glory be," she deadpanned. "I was waiting with bated breath."

She felt Axel snicker a little, but she didn't really want to think about him at all. She just wanted this to be over. And the sooner she could swear again, the better.

"Uh-oh. Again…" Peter lamented.

"What now?" Axel asked.

"Instead of unpairing, I think I hit the stream button. Now we've got video streaming on the digital projector on the stage…" Peter replied.

"Video of what, exactly?" Darcy asked.

"Zeitgeist's helmet has a cam on it," was Bedlam's response.

"So you're seeing what Axe is seeing?" Darcy asked. "Which is what? Dark tunnel?"

"Well, considering my head is on your shoulder, I'm looking down your backside…" Axel said.

"Turn your head immediately!" Darcy said, sliding her hand around to finally unhook whatever it was from his tact belt.  

"I wasn't doing it on purpose," Axel said softly. "Promise."

"I don't care if you see it. This is just work, right?"

"Right," he said with a short nod.

"But Peter's nephew's bar mitzvah doesn't need to see it. Peter, turn off your phone and leave it off until you leave again."

"I'm so sorry, Darcy," Peter sounded sincere. He always did, but she couldn't be anything but terse right now.

"I know, babe. Just… turn it off completely, should unlink you from everything."

"Peter has left the chat," a robotic voice informed everyone.

She slid the items out of Axel's tact belt and into her hand. She scooted back and handed them to him. It looked like ninja stars, but knowing Axe, it was likely some kind of poisonous lethal weapon of some kind.  Or else it was food disguised as a weapon. "Here. Put that somewhere else."

Waiting for them to start getting tugged again, she reached for his hands as they began to gently move down the vent once more.

Darcy avoided Axel's gaze until they reached the end and he slid out the vent and got out of her way. They were at the opposite end of the roof. There was a small drop, but nothing she couldn't handle if she was flipped around.

Which she wasn't, so she waffled, frowning a little until Axel reached up and plucked her from the vent and into his brief, but lingering embrace.

Bedlam was there, unhooking his cord/pulley system from Axel and the outside of the vent. He snapped the whole thing back into a small box and gestured to the side of the building. "We'll have to rappel down the side of the building there. Doppinder's got his cab waiting out front.

"Are you kidding? He's just idling out there? I thought he dropped everyone off!"

"The others are with him. Cable and Domino. Wade."

"So Domino's keeping everyone safe and Wade and Cable are just…" she trailed off.

"Superfluous, yes," replied Bedlam.

"Well, if Domino's there. It's a shame y'all didn't think to send her into the vent," Darcy joked. "She would have fit and maybe some of her luck would have rubbed off."

Bedlam shifted awkwardly, glanced over at Axel, and gestured to the side of the roof. "I'll set in the grappling hooks. T-minus two minutes."

Darcy watched him leave, frowning a little. "That was weird. I guess he's in a hurry?" she said, taking a step towards him, but stopping because Axel had grabbed her hand.

"Look, I might as well tell you. I volunteered to go in after you."

She frowned. "Why? It would have been easier if--"

"You know I'm a control freak. I wanted to know first hand that you were alright. I couldn't have just… sat down there in the cab and listened. Wade had to send me."

"I would have been fine--"

"I wanted to save you, okay?"

"You didn't save me. You assisted me."

He smirked. "Fine. I wanted to assist you…" He trailed off. "Long story short, I want to be the one you call when you need help, okay?"

"You kind of lost that perk when we decided I couldn't call you for anything else."

"We nothing. You decided that."

"Bull. You're the one who said you were dangerous," she countered. "Too dangerous, if I recall. That whole bullshit superhero excuse that is so old it should be called the Steve Rogers."

"I know what I said. I regret it and I'm sorry. But you were the one who ended things."

"Because you kept Steve Rogering me into non-committal booty-call purgatory! Do you know how many nights of sleep I've lost over you?"

"No, tell me. I'll make up for each one." He raised his eyebrows a little, his tone monotonous and droning.

She laughed. "Ass. You know I don't lose sleep for anything."

"But I understand the sentiment. I'm sorry if being my non-committed booty-call made you feel anything less than wonderful."

"This past month's been a whole lot less than wonderful, Axe."

"Look, I know. It's been hell for me too. I want to do this the right way. I want to be the one you call for everything. Doesn't matter what. You made too many cookies? Call me. You're lonely and you don't want to fall asleep alone, call me."

"What if I need tampons?"

"Call me," he said, chuckling a little.

"Um. Hi. Ms. Lewis? Mr… Geist? Just letting you know, you were talking way longer than two minutes," Doppinder said over the comm. "Not to interrupt, but the meter is running…"

"Oh my god," Darcy reached into her pocket, scrambling to disconnect from the app on her phone. Axel did the same, but everyone had already heard. "Doppinder's on the comm?"

"He's why Wade doesn't have admin privileges anymore," explained Axel. They both turned and ran towards a very impatient Bedlam.

They all three rappelled down the side of the building and made a break for Doppinder's cab. Slipping into the backseat, Axel squeezed between Bedlam and Cable. Darcy hopped into Domino's lap, her legs stretched out over everyone else's.

Wade reached for the handle beside his head as Doppinder peeled out and turned around.

Domino glanced over at Axel after a long quiet moment. "Will you pick up tampons for me, too?"

Axel shrugged. "Text me a picture, so I know which ones to get."

Darcy's mouth quirked up a little. She was so gonna kiss his brains out later.

Wait. She didn't have to be so PG, she could swear again...

Eh. You know what I mean.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Finstas make online dating so much more complicated

In our Love App-tually series, Mashable shines a light into the foggy world of online dating. It is cuffing season after all.

I will never again let someone I'm dating follow my finsta. 

That's a sentiment that countless finsta users have when establishing emotional boundaries. In relationships built on intertwined online and in-person interactions, it's often a point of contention.  

If you haven't been initiated into the bizarre world of niche memes and astrology tag posts, a finsta is a secondary, private Instagram account used to keep snarky screenshots, rant about your personal life, and post (mostly) risqué selfies that would leave the family members who follow your main account absolutely appalled. Finsta followers are usually a highly curated selection of close friends who wouldn't judge you for your bizarre one-night stands, validate you when you're feeling yourself, and support you when your mental health dips. 

If a single group text represented only one circle of friends, then a finsta would be the overlapping portion of a Venn diagram. Friend groups don't always overlap, but on your finsta, you can access all of their unrelenting support on one platform. 

Finsta really does teach you a lot. You find out who cheating, who hoeing, who got played and who depressed etc. Need help making a life decision? Ask your finsta, need help on an outfit?? FINSTA

— Tashie🌻 (@_NatashaMarie_) January 31, 2019

But when it comes to romance, deciding whose follow requests to approve can get hairy. 

I personally have had a finsta for longer than any relationship I've been in and allowing a partner to follow it ended in disaster. In my case, I forgot to block the now ex from my finsta after we broke up. I posted a screenshot from a funny Tinder conversation with someone else weeks later. I woke up to a seething late night call from the ex, who was furious that I was on a dating app and even more enraged that I posted about it on the not quite public, but not quite private platform. 

SEE ALSO: Which dating app is right for you? Use this guide to figure it out.

The whole debacle made me wonder if anyone should ever let their significant other follow their finstas. When I put out a call for thoughts on it, people were passionate about maintaining boundaries between the person they're dating and the content they post in private.

Caroline Long, a college student in Boston, said she rejected her boyfriend's follow request about a month into their relationship. 

"If there's life news or drama I'm posting about, he's usually the first to hear about it anyway," she said. "And I've had my finsta for a while so there's some old, old posts about former boyfriends and issues that I'm sure wouldn't be fun for him to peruse." 

my finsta b like -here’s a picture of my ass -let me expose my mental illness -now ima broadcast my depression episode -look @ my titties -this meme was funny

— 𝓒rybaby 𝓛ynn ✧ (@xbasedxgoddess) February 6, 2019

Online dating expert Julie Spira says couples with finstas don't necessarily need to share the accounts with each other for a healthy relationship. As long as you're not going out of your way to hide anything, Spira believes having a private space to vent is fine.

"When you're in a relationship, there are always things that you share with your close friends that you just might not share with your partner," she said during a phone call. 

Finstas are appealing because they allow for vulnerability when there's an insurmountable pressure to be perfect on social media. Sydney Smalls calls her finsta a "little safe space," which is why she's hesitant to approve her boyfriend's follow request.

"It's where I'm the most honest version of myself online so I only trust a few people with what I write about," the New York-based production assistant explained. "Even though I trust my boyfriend it would just be an added level of pressure for some reason."

Many share her view; although they feel supported by their partners, the finsta users who shared their stories with me said that they would censor their posts if their partners followed them. 

When I was convinced someone was ghosting me, for example, I turned to my finsta to talk through it. An army of close friends analyzed screenshots down to the timestamp and deliberated in the comments, concluding that although ghosting was a possibility, I should suck up my pride and double text. In the end, I had nothing to worry about — the support network I had through my finsta convinced me not to sabotage a new relationship, and all I had to do was literally communicate. But if I had let that person follow me, would I have asked for advice in the first place, or would I still be wallowing in my own anxiety? 

Overheard in bar last night: Girl 1: I let him see my finsta so we're basically never gonna date Girl 2: oh ya that’s the kiss of death

— PAZ (@pazpaz) February 24, 2018

Finstas are like a semi-public diary for soliciting advice and rationalization and inviting someone you're actively dating into it might make you less inclined to seek out that advice. The private accounts are a valuable space to talk out issues beforehand so you can approach your partner with a reasonable level-headedness. 

"Having a space for myself ensures that I'm being honest about what's upsetting me," Long said, elaborating on why she doesn't let her boyfriend follow her. "And how I'm getting from Point A to Point B. Not that I'm dishonest with my boyfriend, but I don't feel as obliged to cater or censor finsta posts for a certain audience."

For Danika Frank, a writer in Los Angeles, using a finsta to separate herself from the people she dates keeps her codependence in check.

"So it was good to have a space, a place where I could dissect my own thoughts away from them," she said. "Even if I was stressed about something relationship-wise, I could break it down on there before bringing it up to them."

Philadelphia college student Mal Sary, who went through a break up while she and her ex were still living together, said having a non-physical space to get away helped her through it until she could find somewhere else to live. 

"Instead of yelling at my ex, I just used my finsta to channel a lot of my anger," Sary said.

In addition to having a defined place to put their thoughts in order, the people who don't let their significant other follow their finsta felt like they didn't have to because their relationships were already healthy enough. Although Smalls' boyfriend doesn't follow her private account, she doesn't turn to her finsta to complain about him when they have issues in their relationship. 

"When I'd have problems with my ex, I'd just post about it and hide it from him and let it build," she said. "This time, I just talk directly to [my boyfriend]. It kinda feels disrespectful now. I don't want to talk about him behind his back [because] I know he wouldn't do that to me."

Jeung Bok Holmquist, an artist in Madison, Wisconsin, adds that their partner doesn't follow their finsta, but that doesn't give them a pass to complain about him. 

"I guess I only wouldn't [allow a finsta follow] if I was actively talking about my partner on there, but I also shouldn't be talking shit about my partner in private," they said. "So then that's just a clear sign of a bad relationship!"

𝓷𝓮𝔀 rules of dating: 1st base: liking and unliking someone’s post 2nd base: “nah u don’t have to venmo me” 3rd: get called an asshole on their finsta homerun: a retweet

— vinay (@mumblecomic) January 10, 2019

That doesn't mean that not allowing a romantic interest to follow you ensures smooth sailing. Nothing you post on social media is truly private. Anything can be screenshot, passed through the screen grapevine, and end up hurting everyone involved. But do people have an obligation to break the trust of following a friend's finsta to protect another friend's feelings?

Evy Oliverio, who works at the United Nations in Beirut, was seeing someone who encouraged her to follow his finsta, until she DM'd him and realized she was blocked. Their mutual friends still followed him and could see that he wasn't interested in her anymore, but didn't tell her. She later found out that he had promptly started dating someone else "for real" after "months" of telling her he "wasn't ready."

"We had enough mutual friends who knew about him dragging me through metaphorical dirt," Oliverio said. "And yet none of them would be like 'Ev, this is happening.'" 

Spiro, the relationship consultant, is cautious about breaking that trust. Even though it may be hurtful to mutual friends, if someone invites you to their finsta then you have a "digital moral obligation" not to share what they post. 

"Either you're in something that's private or you're not," Spiro said. "I love the fact that this is small and intimate, but I think there needs to be spoken and unspoken rules of what you do and don't share." 

Despite the moral obligations, Oliverio notes that finstas are still public, even if your account is set to private, and she'd rather step in than see a mutual friend be hurt.

"You allow who you want to see it but the fact that someone else besides you 'sees' your truth, it's no longer private," she noted, acknowledging that it doesn't justify sharing secrets. "I do think that if you and I have a mutual friend and on their finsta, they start dragging you, I'd tell you. And secondly, hold them accountable." 

At the end of the day, finstas are yet another aspect of how the internet muddles dating. But that doesn't mean that finsta users shut their partners out of their secret accounts entirely. For Valentine's Day last year, Holmquist made their boyfriend a zine with drawings from their finsta posts when the couple first started seeing each other. As long as there's open and honest communication between a couple, finstas shouldn't be an issue, they said. 

Spiro says it's "almost distrusting" when someone insists on following their partner's finsta. 

"I think trust and communication is something couples engage in every day but that doesn't mean that they're on a third-party text or phone call every time they're communicating with somebody else," she said. "You need to have your personal life, and they have their personal life, and you need to have your communication together."

I, for one, value the tightly knit support network in my finsta over any potential partner's insecurities. If a partner asked me to give it up, I'd probably dump them and immediately post about it on my finsta. 

Even if it makes dating more complicated, I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

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[animarosa]

Title: Heartlines

Chapters: 3/? [<PREVIOUS | NEXT> ] (cross-posted on AO3)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: None.

Pairing: Jaal Ama Darav/Sara Ryder (custom)

Notes: Thanks once more to @goodbibarbarella​ for beta-reading! <3

Chapter 3

Numb. She was simply numb, her mind burying her self-inflicted problem to the back of her priorities just so she could make it through a meeting with Nexus leadership. Her father’s death, becoming Pathfinder, trying to live up to everyone’s impossible expectations (while competing with her father’s shadow), and now the lies she told Julian when she spoke to him through his SAM implant. How she hadn’t simply broken down into uselessness was beyond her.

The moment the meeting was over and she began rushing back to the Tempest, SAM finally spoke through their private channel.

‘Sara...Your mood has been noticeably affected since your talk with Julian. Do you wish to speak of what’s bothering you?’

Outwardly she sighed in exasperation while she answered SAM in her mind. ‘I think you know, SAM. Please, don’t ask me again.’

There was a moment of silence, as if the AI was hesitating on how to respond. ‘I apologize, Sara. I thought it would be best to ask you directly.’

If she didn’t know better, she would say SAM sounded almost hurt by her dismissive attitude. Great, she thought, now she felt worse. Here was her AI, learning about emotions and seemingly developing his own, and she was no doubt making him feel like a nuisance. ‘Alright, fair. But no, SAM, I don’t want to talk about it so just...don’t...I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you, I promise. I just...want to be alone to my thoughts right now...Please.’

‘Understood, Sara.’

At least SAM complied with her wishes. However, she couldn’t say the same of her crew. Perhaps they hadn’t boarded the Tempest yetl. All she had to do was sneak in, run to the stairs and lock herself in her room. Easy. All she needed was a bit of time alone, she pondered. Her crew needed their Pathfinder, not a weepy mess of a woman whining about how much of a liar she is—she just needed a few hours to get her emotional shit back together before she broke under the pressure.

However, as luck would have it, the moment she was about to slide down the stairs to her room, she noticed Jaal on the other side of the hallway, walking towards her, smiling warmly. She cursed him in her mind, not out of spite, no, but because his very presence welcomed her, made her want to speak with him and vent to him but...she couldn’t. She wouldn’t place that burden on him...Besides, angara were honest people; what would he think of her found out she lied to her own flesh and blood, out of selfishness no less.

“Sara Ariadne, my dearest friend,” he announced, the smile on his face slowly fading, instead glancing curiously at her, “I did not expect you to be back so soon. Did something happen?”

“Jaal, hey,” she tried her best to smile, to fake it and act as she normally did with him. Instead, she was sure the expression looked forced and her face strained. “Yeah, just, got a lot to catch up on and...I should ask you the same, why are you back so soon?”

His lips twitched, as if trying to contain himself from smiling, glancing away from her momentarily. “Working on a bit of a...project, if you would call it that,” he chuckled. “By the way...how’s your brother? You rushed off earlier saying something about being allowed to speak to him through...SAM?”

There it was, the question she dreaded. She must have flinched and barely realized it, for Jaal frowned, looking to her with worry. So much for hiding her inner turmoil. “Oh...yeah. Yeah, through his SAM implant,” hurriedly she explained, nearly tripping over her words, fidgeting mindlessly with her fingers. “Umm...he’s doing alright. You know, he’s antsy to recover already...So eager to join me…”

“That is good to hear,” Jaal replied with a small smile, though his eyes were ever watchful of her body language. Watchfully his gaze shifted quickly between her face and hands, a knowing look in his eyes. “It would be a delight to have another Ryder in the crew.”

“Yeah, of course,” she laughed nervously, scratching at the back of her neck, glancing away from his inspecting eyes.

“Ariadne?” He caught her attention again by using her middle name, as he usually did when they were alone and sharing their thoughts. Placing a hand on her shoulder, he asked, “Are you...well? Your face is...happy but your eyes are not. Not as they usually are...You’re also more quiet my dearest friend.”

“Ah, just tired,” she reasoned, trying to reassure him and surely failing. This man knew her so well already, down to her body language, so much so that it amazed her. She thought he’d had to learn to read her better as she wasn’t so out there with her emotions as angara were (though by Jaal’s own admission, she was much more expressive than other humans). “Just finished meeting with Nexus directives, ah...got a lot to report on...Been lazy,” she laughed loudly, snorting. Slowly she began inching towards the stairwell. “I should probably get to that, Jaal. I’ll...leave you to your project.”

“Of course,” Jaal smiled, almost sadly, following her with his gaze as she slid down the stairs. Clearly he wouldn’t push her, he knew this already, but he needed to let her know she could speak out if she so desired. “Ariadne?” he called for her once she was downstairs, looking up at him with a quirked brow.

“Yeah?”

“I’m...here for you. Anything you need,” he promised in earnest, his tone unwavering, his electric blue eyes warm but filled with worry.

“...Thank you, Jaal,” she replied quietly, almost a whisper, barely unable to hide the sadness in her tone. With a nod up at him she finally slid into her quarters. Loudly sighing, she slumped against the wall next to her door, hugging her knees to her chest once she was on the floor. God, how she hated herself for that awfully short conversation. Of course he would notice something amiss, he wasn’t a fool. She was usually loud, eager to speak with him and share their hobbies together. Resigned, she told herself repeatedly he was too good for her–she didn’t even deserve him as a friend. She wouldn’t burden him, she refused to, despite her heart yearning to be listened by him, to be comforted by his soothing words.

They were back on Eos to finally deal with the kett stronghold there. On the way to the marked nav point, Jaal and Liam both noted the ride on the Nomad was too quiet. No music blaring from the speakers, and Sara wasn’t singing for them.

Jaal grew more concerned, at this point thinking he might be the problem. Initially he’d thought that maybe she was having second thoughts about their friendship, maybe she’d gotten tired of expressing herself and he’d exhausted her. He didn’t want this to be true, he yearned for the root of her problem to be something else–anything but him. After they’d grown so close, the thought of rejection distressed him. It was...difficult, not bringing his concerns forward to her, simply thinking to give her some space.

Then again, he reasoned in an attempt to comfort himself, she had been keeping to herself since their last visit to the Nexus. Everyone had been commenting on it while she was out of earshot. No. It wasn’t him then, it couldn’t be. Something happened that day at the Nexus and she was refusing to speak of it to anyone, always insisting that she was fine.

Regardless of the uncomfortable silence, they still went over the attack plan again and soon found themselves raiding the weakened kett fortress. Ryder was more aggressive than usual in her combat, Jaal noted. Though she wasn’t afraid of charging into battle, this time around she seemed to almost relish in getting up close and personal with the kett. Rage was written all over her battle cries, biotic blasts and shotgun shots. Any other day he would say she was a sight to behold, a goddess of the battlefield. Today was not one of those days. There was an erratic and almost reckless pattern to her attacks, and Jaal found himself hyper vigilant of her, fearful she might seriously get hurt.

Soon enough they found themselves deep inside the stronghold, so close to the Invictor’s lair.

“Alright, we’re cornering that asshole. Let's keep the others from doing the same to us–” Liam had begun reviewing their strategy when Sara began crackling with unreleased biotic energy. “Ryder? What are you–”

Before Liam could finish or Jaal could protest, Sara gave a loud, raging scream and surged forward quickly in a powerful Charge, disappearing in an electric blue blur. She slammed into an Anointed kett, the blast from her attack throwing it and all others in the periphery flying through the air, slamming against walls and some not even getting back up.

“What is she doing?!” Liam yelled, going after Ryder with Jaal closely flanking him.

“I suspect Ryder isn’t in the best mental state to battle,” Jaal commented loudly, carefully aiming his shots while also making haste after Ryder before she hurt herself. “Something is wrong with her.”

“Yeah no kidding, she’s been weird for a while now,” Liam huffed, running alongside Jaal, the next hallway cleared of enemies thanks to Ryder’s violent outburst. “Man she’s fast!”

The Pathfinder left a trail of destruction behind her, booms of biotic explosions heard in the distance. Both Jaal and Liam knew that abusing her biotics could overload her implant and exhaust her. From the looks of how fast she was blasting through the kett, she was bound to fatigue herself quickly.

“Jaal, Liam, please help her,” SAM was the one to speak over their comms now. “She is refusing to listen to me. I fear her erratic behavior could result in serious injury. Ryder is abusing her biotics. Please.”

There was almost a plea to SAM’s tone, one could even say it sounded like fear. Jaal could only imagine that for SAM it must feel like he was trapped in Ryder’s body and only being able to watch helplessly if she got hurt.

Jaal nodded, realizing then that SAM wouldn’t see that and quickly added, “We’re on our way, SAM. Liam, quickly!” he rushed his friend, running faster still while remaining cautious of any kett still alive.

“She has found the Invictor,” SAM announced over the comms.

“Almost there!” Liam announced, quickly checking the nav point SAM had set up for Sara’s location.

Soon enough they found her facing off by herself against the Invictor. Both of them quickly set to helping her, SAM reminding them that she was starting to exhaust herself. Jaal tried to keep close to her but she made it difficult, constantly moving from cover to cover and charging against the Invictor whenever she had the chance, getting up close and personal when their shields broke down.

Thankfully, the Pathfinder team soon gained the upper hand, Liam and Jaal laying heavy fire against the Invictor’s shield and Ryder getting up close with her biotics flaring and shotgun ablaze.

Just when it seemed they were about to win, Sara’s shields broke down and she took a hit, crashing into the ground. She heaved, biotics briefly crackling around her before she let out a pained yelp, a hand coming up to the back of her head. Wincing, she tried to crawl out of the way and into cover. Jaal panicked, having been hidden in his tactical cloak and firing from a safe distance. Without thinking, almost as if it was second nature to him, he sprinted towards her just as the Invictor was about to discharge its massive area attack. He lunged for her just as his tactical cloak expired, easily scooping her up by the waist and jumping out of the way just in time, the Invictor’s attack crackling on his heels. Landing on his back, he held Sara close to him as they rolled on the floor and came to a stop when they crashed against a wall.

Sara shook her head, trying to find her bearings just as Jaal was giving her a quick once over, checking for injuries. There was no time for questions, Jaal found himself on his feet once more, taking the chance that Liam had just taken a good shot at the Invictor’s shield and disabled it once more. With his careful and deadly precise aim, he fixed his scope on the Invictor’s head and took a shot, green splattering up through the air, the kett’s lifeless body dropping to its knees.

“Holy shit…” Liam jogged up to Jaal and Sara, trying to catch his breath. “That was a close one…”

Meanwhile, Jaal had promptly holstered his rifle and turned to Sara, helping her to her feet. Now, with no danger to their lives, he inspected her more carefully before she waved him away, an annoyed glint in her green eyes.

“Sara?” he asked, concern heavy in his tone. Wide, light blue eyes followed her as she walked around him and Liam. “Are you well? Did you injure yourself?”

“I’m fine,” she replied, the same response she constantly gave lately whenever someone asked how she was holding up. Sara refused to look at him or Liam in the eye, instead beginning to walk away. “Just overcharged my implant a tad, nothing serious.”

“Yeah, what the hell, Ryder?” Liam bounded after her as they began tracing their steps out of the stronghold. “I mean, cool, you really laid it on them but that was really risky, even for me. You left us in the dust–”

“Okay, sorry, sorry!” she huffed in annoyance, frowning and holding her hands up defensively. Letting out a frustrated breath and removing her helmet, she went on, “I just...wanted to be over with this as fast as possible. I won’t do it again. Now let’s drop it and go back to the ship, alright?”

Jaal and Liam looked at each other with concern, neither trusting what she said. Clearly she was still hiding something and whatever it was, it was bothering her to the point that it was affecting her performance and endangering her life. Jaal inwardly sighed, trying to think on how he would attempt to get her to finally speak on what was going on with her, or at least stop denying that she was fine. He missed his dear friend and he would only be consumed by guilt if he did nothing while she so obviously suffered.

As expected, Lexi heavily questioned her and chastised her for putting her life in danger like she did. Her implant was fine but she had overcharged it, so for now it was best to rest. Good, she could easily sleep for a week if only her mind let her.

“I’m fine…” Sara said when Lexi asked again once she finished the examination and gave her some meds.

“You keep saying that but no one is actually believing it anymore, you know?” Lexi shook her head, taking a step back and leaning against the free cot. Staring at Ryder, she tried to relax her posture, trying to seem more welcoming. “Sara, you know we all care about you, right? But we can’t help you if you close on yourself like you’re doing.”

Sara sighed and rolled her shoulders, forcing herself to meet Lexi’s gaze. “I know...I guess, I’ve just been more tired lately, I–”

“Sara,” Lexi interrupted her, giving her a look that clearly stated she didn’t believe her. “You’ve been acting differently since...Well, since you spoke with Julian Scott through his SAM implant.”

Sara fell quiet for a moment, gaze falling to the floor. So, people were starting to connect the dots? Great, she thought, fearful of truly speaking of what had transpired. “I already told you, we just...talked a bit about what had happened,” she retorted, avoiding her gaze and biting down on her lower lip anxiously. “It was just stressful, okay? I just...I just want him back with me. I miss him…”

Lexi nodded and pushed herself away from the cot. She’d heard that before and she knew that wasn’t the entirety of it. “Would you like to talk more about it? Between having your twin still in a coma and all the responsibilities you have...I know it can’t be easy, Sara. It can be extremely overwhelming.”

Sara tensed at the invitation to talk more. A part of her screamed at her to just get it over it and let someone, anyone, know the cruel lies she had told her brother, to expose herself as a selfish liar. Yet, that other part of her held fast to her, cowered in fear in a corner, trembled at the thought of exposing herself as a liar, as a weakling, as someone who was barely holding it together since her father died.

“Sara?”

Lexi’s voice brought her back out of her thoughts and she realized she’d stared off. Worse than that, her heart was hammering fast against her chest, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“Not today, Lexi, honestly–” she hurriedly said and jumped down from the cot, making a beeline for the med bay’s door. “–I’m just really, really tired today after that whole...mess. Tomorrow...I promise, tomorrow we can talk.”

Though she sighed, Lexi nodded. That was truly the most progress they’d made in talking in the last two weeks. At least now she was admitting there was more to speak of instead of denying it. “Alright, Sara. Tomorrow.”

With that, Sara walked the short distance to her room, closing the door behind her. Plopping face down on her bed, she let out a frustrated groan. She had really messed up today. Not only had she endangered herself, she’d highly distressed SAM and put Jaal and Liam in danger as well. Reaching for her pillow, she screamed into it, hoping to spit out all the self-loathing that was eating at her psyche since she lied to Julian. Hoping to stop worrying whether she was living up to the Pathfinder title, to stop the hurt in her heart over her father’s death, still so fresh in her mind despite being months old by now.

With a huff she flipped over, glaring up at the ceiling, refusing to cry. She would be strong, she had to be. There was no choice, she pondered, her crew needed a leader not a weeping baby.

‘Sara...I believe Lexi may be right, talking about your feelings and concerns can help,’ SAM spoke through their private channel.

Closing her eyes, she let out a deep breath. ‘No offense, SAM, but you’re learning about emotions through your experience with me, right?’ she replied in her mind. ‘How do you know it would help?’

For a moment he was silent and Sara had to admit, she was mildly impressed by how SAM seemed to be slowly developing his personality, even taking the time to process his thoughts. ‘When you thought Jaal might stay in Aya, your physical manifestations of your worry, namely your vital signs, markedly stabilized when Jaal admitted he would like to remain with your crew.’

‘Okay but I wasn’t exactly talking about my feelings was I?’

‘I wasn’t done, Sara,’ SAM interrupted her. ‘Similarly, in your time getting to know Jaal and sharing thoughts and concerns with him, your vital signs and your mood respond accordingly, in a positive manner. Though it mildly distressed you, you responded positively when Jaal comforted you when you admitted you are currently alone, without family present.’

Oh Jaal...Even she had to admit, SAM had a point, she just didn’t want to admit he did. She’d neglected her dear friend lately, her...crush. One would think she had stopped liking him by how distant she’d become in the last two weeks. It broke her heart and it only added another worry to her growing list–she wasn’t sure he would forgive her if she tried talking to him again like they did. Perhaps she could–

‘No,’ she fought against her own thought. ‘Jaal doesn’t need me bothering him with this...SAM, I don’t deserve him, I’ve...I’m not a good friend, I’ve neglected him…’

‘I have to disagree. Jaal has constantly asked about your well-being,’ SAM replied. ‘He might be the best person to speak with, he would not judge your feelings, Sara. I believe he would understand.’

Sara was about to respond when her door chime resonated in her room. Sitting up, she glanced at SAM’s orb over on the desk.

‘It is Jaal,’ SAM announced in their channel. ‘Shall I let him in?’

Sara simply gaped at the door for a moment before she nodded, clearing her throat and coming to a stand. ‘Sure...let him in.’

The door swooshed open and Sara was beginning to regret it–she wasn’t sure she wanted to face Jaal right now. She hadn’t finished considering what she wanted to do and anxiety was starting to claw at her.

“Hey,” she greeted him, forcing a smile. “What’s up?”

“Sara,” Jaal replied in turn, brow pulled close with concern. The door closed behind him and he fidgeted with a small package held in his hand, opting to hide it under his rofjinn. He was used to some of her common expressions by now so he knew she didn’t mean what was literally ‘up’. Instead, he offered a concerned gaze, eyes soft and welcoming. For a moment he hesitated but pressed on, “I...don’t know how else to ask it but...I’m concerned about you. Are you...sure you’re alright? I was really worried about you today, at the stronghold–”

“Jaal, please stop,” Sara interrupted him, groaning but inwardly screaming, regretting everything she would say. Yet, she was terrified of opening up about what was eating at her, truly paralyzed, thus she reacted defensively. The frustration built up, dared to break the dam that was holding all of her emotions and concerns in the back of her mind. In not deciding what she wanted to do, she instead began lashing out. There was an anger that seemed directed at Jaal and her crew but only she knew it was truly aimed at herself. Lexi almost got her to talk, now Jaal was threatening to have her spill her feelings forth. “God, everyone keeps asking, it’s...starting to get annoying. Yeah, I rushed into the stronghold like crazy–”

Jaal interceded, tone deep and unwavering, unknowingly repeating what Lexi had said, “You’ve been acting differently since the last time we were at the Nexus.”

Sara gave him an incredulous look. No, not incredulity, shock. Shocked that he was just as observant as her physician. He was worried, so worried but she couldn’t put this baggage on him, wouldn’t let him see her be weak...could she? “What? No! I haven’t–Just, stop alright. Lexi’s already all up in arms about it. I’m fine, Jaal, just–”

“Sara, we haven’t actually spoken, not truly since that day. I’m worried–” Jaal insisted, taking a step closer to her, frowning with concern now. True to his word, angara did speak their minds when something was bothering them.

“Just stop, Jaal, stop already!” Sara cut him off roughly and his eyes widened in shock. “How many times do I have to say I’m fine? Stop badgering me! I’m so fuckin’ tired of everyone asking me the same shit!” she regretted the words the moment they left her mouth. Slowly, her face contorted in anger, softened into one of shock and regret, slapping a hand over her mouth and avoiding Jaal’s eyes. It was a mistake to dare herself to look up at him, the hurt in those beautiful electric blue eyes sunk her heart to her stomach, made her sick of herself.

He opened and closed his mouth several times, stammering on how to respond. Pulling his gaze from hers, he turned away. “I...I apologize, Ryder, I’ll...I’m sorry, truly. I’ll leave you be…” his tone was wavering, lips quivering as his eyes threatened to spill tears forth.

Jaal was walking towards her door, when something inside her just broke through, unable to hold back any longer. Having seen the deep hurt in Jaal’s gaze had been the final hit it took to break the dam holding back all the feelings she’d been holding back since Habitat 7’s disaster. The use of her last name instead of her name or nickname had stung more than she thought it would. A sob suddenly wracked through her and Jaal instantly turned, eyes wide in alarm. Quickly he ran back towards her when she shakily fell down to her knees, heaving in desperate breaths as she wept her heart out.

“Ari! Should I–” he gasped out her nickname and dropped to his knees before her, holding her by her upper arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m–I’m so sorry, I didn’t–didn’t mean to hurt you!” her shoulders shook as she managed to speak in between her violent sobbing. “I’m not fine! I haven’t...Jaal...I...I…”

“I’m here, Ariadne…Come here.” he pulled her into his arms, a hand soothingly running up and down her back. “Let it out…Don’t talk right now, just let it out…”

“Please don’t leave…! Please...I’m...you’re my friend...please…” she wept, hiccuping in between and buried her face in his shoulder, gripping tightly onto his rofjinn. It was like she feared that if she let him go he would be gone forever. Yet, he was here, he was holding her, comforting her...

“I’m staying, Ariadne,” he reassured her, continuing his soothing motions, bringing a hand up to her head, patting her hair lightly.

For a while she continued crying freely, eventually allowing Jaal to walk her to the couch. There he sat her and continued holding her close, pulling her legs across his lap.

“My dearest, my dear Ariadne, you will be alright,” Jaal spoke against her hair, a hand soothingly rubbing up and down her forearm. After a few moments, he pulled back just slightly to place a finger under her chin, tipping it up to meet her red and puffy eyes, tears streaking down her cheeks. “This pain will pass, and I am here to aid you through this my dearest…” he reassured her, a soft and soothing tone to his deep baritone voice. Softly, he cupped her cheek, thumb softly wiping away tears as they fell.

“Jaal...You’re too...good to me…” she began taking measured breaths, her sobbing more controlled now. Only silent tears continued to fall as she leaned into his touch.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he replied, tone free of judgement despite her earlier outburst.

“I...neglected you these last two weeks…” she sniffed, leaning into his shoulder, a hand idly fixing the collar of his rofjinn. “And...I yelled at you...I shouldn’t have, I’m so sorry...I just...reacted badly, I think my mind was begging me to talk but another part of me was afraid of talking it out...Still, that doesn’t excuse my...actions...I apologize…”

“Apology accepted,” he said, holding her gaze. “But I’m not angry...I knew something was wrong...If you don’t feel like telling me yet, however–

“Jaal...I lied to Julian...I lied to my twin…” she hurriedly admitted just to get it out of the way now that he’d seen her break down. Gulping hard, afraid to be judged for it, she went on, “I told him...told him dad’s alive...and that Habitat 7...was being colonized...Fuck’s sake, I’m the worst sister...God, I thought...Thought it would...be best...to keep him calm...I thought it would aid his recovery but...Jaal, when he wakes up…”

“Oh Ariadne…” he breathed out, understanding written all over his gaze. Now it all made sense to him. Though angara valued honesty, he could see why she lied, even if it was clearly a mistake, one she had to face when her brother awoke. “Ari, he’s your twin...If your brother is anything like you, I’m sure he will understand. Even if it will surely hurt to know the truth...I can also imagine how terrible it must be, knowing something so heart wrenching while being unable to move or wake or...” he sighed, shaking his head at the thought, his heart heavy for Julian. “You couldn’t know how he would have reacted either…”

“That’s...That’s what I thought,” her shoulders shook and she sniffed, trying to keep herself calm. She wiped at her face and rubbed at her nose, breathing through her mouth by how stuffy her nose had gotten. SAM was right; there was an awful reality she had to face still, but she did feel better talking about this. “I still regret it though...I regretted it the moment I said it but...it was too late...The connection was done before I could say anything else.”

“My dearest Ariadne, if I had known sooner…” he let out a swift breath through his nose, softly stroking her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. “From now on, I want you to know I am here for you, anything you need...You can tell me anything you wish to, I will not judge you…Not when you care so much about how you might have hurt your brother.”

Her lower lip quivered while she looked up at him with teary eyes, threatening to keep crying. Wiping at her eyes, she leaned against his shoulder. “Oh Jaal...I’m so foolish, I should have told you sooner…”

“Don’t say that, you are not foolish,” a light rumble reverberated through his chest, lightly chastising her for insulting herself. He grew quiet once more, allowing her the space to talk her mind at her own pace if she so wished it. Jaal seemed simply glad she was once more freely expressing herself again–even if it had involved crying. At least, he thought, she was comfortable enough around him that she expressed such strong emotions before him, and allowed him to comfort her.

Sara let out a shaky breath, suddenly feeling tired from their earlier battle and now having bawled her eyes out. Still, she found herself willing to speak more, feeling like she hadn’t talked–actually talked–with Jaal in ages. Eating, bathing and sleeping could wait for now. “I guess everything just suddenly felt...overwhelming. Too many things have been happening too fast, I...I just don’t think I’ve even processed dad’s death properly...And then there’s the role I’m trying to fill…” she paused, looking down at her hands, fidgeting with the hem Jaal’s rofjinn. “There’s so many things, Jaal...I think...I think lying to Julian just...it was my breaking point so I just...closed off…I wanted to seem strong...For you, for the whole crew...”

“But you were strong before this and you still are,” Jaal reassured her, taking one of her hands in his and giving it a light squeeze, catching her gaze once more. “You have learned from your mistakes and acknowledged when you’ve made them…” A sympathetic smile grazed his lips, adoration in his starry blue eyes. “You are doing great things, Sara Ariadne Ryder, and I admire you for it.”

Sara had looked up at him, feeling her cheeks burn when he took hold of her hand. Her mind tried to reason that it meant nothing, that angara were just very expressive and unafraid of showing those expressions in a physical manner. Still, she found herself endeared by the action and his words, seemingly always knowing what to say. “I am not my dad though…” A sigh parted her lips and she gazed towards the N7 helmet on her desk, a reminder of what she’d lost, a motivation to keep fighting. “I can’t live up to how great he was at...everything…I know things would be flowing much better if he was still here…” she lamented.

“Perhaps,” Jaal pondered quietly, following her gaze before turning his full attention back to her. “But...perhaps not...We have no way of knowing how things would have turned out instead. What I do know it that you have held your ground against people who did not believe you could succeed. And you have succeeded against all odds...I think you are doing a fine job...And I don’t pretend to know your father but...I believe he would be proud of what you have achieved against all odds…”

“Gods…Are you real?” she finally let out a small, nasal laugh, rubbing her nose as she did so. “How did I end up with such a good friend like you, Jaal Ama Darav?”

“I should be asking you the same thing,” he grinned widely, visibly pleased with her small laugh. Rubbing small circles on the back of her hand, he asked in earnest, “How are you feeling?”

“Tired but...better. Relieved I finally just...let that out,” she admitted. Sara then curled into him, wrapping her arms around his thick neck and hugging him in earnest, feeling him return the gesture. “Thank you, Jaal...You’re the best…”

Jaal smiled, pleased with the softness of her hair against his cheek and cowl. “Oh! I nearly forgot,” he pulled away and gently removed her legs from across his lap, coming to a stand. Striding towards the door, he bent down to pick the small package he had been holding earlier. Looking almost bashfully, he walked back over to her and presented it to her. “I made something for you.”

“Jaal, come on,” Sara stared up at him, mouth agape. A pang of guilt pulled at her heart, feeling awful for her earlier outburst when this man had come to visit her bearing a gift for her.  “Jaal, I’ve done nothing to deserve it...especially not after these last two weeks...Especially after how I snapped at you earlier...” she pouted, glancing away, rubbing at her upper arms anxiously.

“My dear Sara Ariadne, I knew something was wrong with you, I just...didn’t know how to get you to speak of it. I thought you might appreciate this small gesture, even if you didn’t talk to me about what bothered you,” he said in earnest, sitting next to her and placing the neatly wrapped package in her lap.

Sara couldn’t hold back from smiling warmly at him, she only regretted having been so distant lately with him but she was eternally grateful for his patience with her. Silently she promised herself she would be more forthcoming with him, even if it was something negative bothering her, even if she thought he might judge her...Maybe the angara way of being honest and expressive of their true feelings was truly better, allowing less room for misunderstandings.

Setting her thoughts aside, Sara finally set to opening the package, undoing the bow carefully and unwrapping what was inside. A gasp left her breathless, her face lighting up like it hadn’t in awhile, holding up a beautiful scarf. It was a deep purple color, interspersed with delicate flowery patterns (some from Earth, others she recognized from Aya), and its edge adorned with small tassels. And soft, oh so soft and warm, so much so that she pressed it eagerly to her face, only her excited but puffy eyes staring lovingly at Jaal.

“Jaal! It’s beautiful! I…I love it…” Still sensitive about her emotional breakdown, she almost couldn’t take the beautiful gesture this wonderful man had bestowed upon her. If she didn’t like him before, she was entirely sure she was truly falling for him now. Yet, it didn’t prevent the tears from escaping her eyes once more.

“Ariadne!” Jaal gasped, tone full with worry as he turned towards her, a hand on her back, soothing. “I can change it, I’m sorry, I–”

“They’re happy tears, Jaal…” she was quick to reassure him, laughing lightly and glancing up at him, smiling. “Thank you...Come here you…” she pulled him tight into another hug then.

“Oh...I’m glad then...I’m really glad,” Jaal chuckled, returning her hug and patting her back lightly. On her suggestion, he helped her put on the scarf. Deft hands adjusted it until her neck was completely covered, draping the fabric across her shoulders and framing her oval face beautifully. Warmly he smiled at her. “It suits you.”

Sara blushed at that, pulling the scarf closer to her face. With lighthearted laugh, she said in jest, “Now I’ll whine less when we’re in Voeld.”

They spent the rest of the evening idly talking, almost as if they were catching up after time apart, despite having been on the same ship the whole time. Truly, they were both glad they were on good terms again, with promises made of not being afraid to rely on one another, to be forthcoming and honest, even when things could seem to be set against them. For Sara there were still difficult matters she had to face head on, but for now she truly knew Jaal would be there for her despite all odds, just as she would for him.

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 6

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929

Part 2- Chapter 6: The Lobsters

Walking up the steps out of the hold under engineering, Shepard was half convinced she needed to wash out her fucking ears. She'd spent the past 24 hours with Jack, helping her set up her room in the lowest deck of the ship. While she thought it was a little claustrophobic, the mildly crazy biotic insisted it was cozy. With a more colorful vocabulary, of course.

After spending some time with her, Anya just found it best to accept her statements at face value. At the very least, she had a richer breadth of swear words and new ways to insult people. Maybe she could get Jack to spend some time with EDI so that the AI didn't just learn all her humor from Joker.

Overall, though, she was a little overwhelmed. Everything with Jack was anger, sharp objects, and a paint bucket of angst. It was exhausting. Anya would normally complain about her to her face, but she was pretty sure she just learned what kind of person she'd be if she went mob instead of military, and she wasn't sure she liked that.

And she had to admit, the woman was damn powerful. So, she just tried to be as understanding and civil as possible. From what the dossier said, and the few snippets in conversation, she went through hell. Made sense she'd be pissed as hell, too. For now, she'd just give Jack some space to adjust.

Granted, she might've been open to a little more "space" after bedroom setup because a few hours before Chakwas had pinged her that a certain turian was awake and setting himself up in the main battery. Despite the fact she needed a damn nap, she was headed there the second she could sneak off away from Jack.

She also had already pinged EDI on a private channel to please not interrupt them unless it was an emergency, and not to tell anyone where she was. The AI was lovely and compliant. Anya had to admit, over the last few days, she was growing on her.

Couldn't tell Joker that, though, he'd call her a traitor.

Walking up to Garrus' new door, she took a deep breath and knocked. He didn't even ask, or say anything. The metal just slid open and Garrus was there, smiling at her. "Heard you might be coming down to see me."

Anya bubbled with awkward laughter as she walked into the battery and the door closed behind her. "W-who told you that?"

"EDI. She said you wanted to see me and wanted to get permission to shut off comms to my room." He chuckled and Anya wished it was more annoying than it was endearing. "Guess you really want to talk, huh?"

With a glare tossed to the ceiling comms, Anya said, "Okay, I'm with Joker. The AI's a traitor."

"What?"

"Nevermind. I'm just happy you're up and walking around." Anya leaned her elbows against the railing by his station. "Like the new space?"

Garrus followed suit and stood right next to her, but he faced the tech instead of the door. All that really mattered was that his blue eyes were looking at her. "Do I like having a room to myself where I can calibrate guns and not hear Wrex and Williams bicker? Of course." His laughter faded and Shepard knew what he was thinking, talking about the two of them. Garrus beat her to the punch, though, saying, "Granted, I don't think I'd mind hearing them bicker again if I could."

"Me neither."

"How'd the mission go?"

"Perfectly fine, Jack almost tore the ship in half with us in it and the warden was secretly selling his prisoners for spare parts. Oh, and I had to do some Commander bonding to make both Jack and Miranda less domineering assholes. But, y'know, typical."

"For you? Definitely."

Anya felt her cheeks blush at her next thought, but she couldn't help herself. Not when it was true. She did avoid looking at him, though, instead staring at her fingernails like there was anything interesting about their short, pink nubs. "It was distinctly lacking a sniper who likes to back-talk, though. I think it threw me off my A-game."

"I'm pretty sure we can have you covered for the next mission." Garrus paused, and Anya was tired of the weird distance she was putting between them by facing the door. She turned and copied his posture.

But when he got to talking again, his shoulder slumped and his eyes wouldn't meet hers. "Sorry I had to go comatose for a couple days. Doctor's orders, because apparently I didn't follow them well enough while conscious."

"Not a bad call. You're pretty damn stubborn." Lightly, almost like he might break, she bumped his shoulder with hers. Anya didn't know it would feel so nice, doing the casual friendship stuff with him again. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "How are you holding up, after Omega?"

"I don't know." Garrus laughed, but she recognized it as the hollow, empty kind he used when shit really wasn't that funny. Before she could ask more, he sarcastically countered, "How do you like coming back from the dead and waking up a Cerberus play toy?"

"Not funny."

"I'm mostly kidding." He bumped her shoulder back, the way they used to on the old Normandy, like they were tossing little touches of support at each other with each brush. "I just want to know how you're coping. We can go back to my fun new trauma if you really want, but I need to know you're doing okay. I won't shut up about it until you tell me."

"I don't want to let your whole deal slide, but I will for now since you sound annoyingly sincere. Honestly? Being reborn in a Cerberus lab isn't the worst. They give me a lot of liberties and I get to call the shots. It's like Spectres but with a much shinier, much shadier bank account." Anya leaned harder into her elbows, bit her cheek, and looked at him. He looked so genuine and kind that she could vomit. Made her want to talk more than she was used to with the others. There he was, back at it again, making her talk about everything. "Funny thing about Cerberus, no matter how much of an asshole the Illusive Man is and how their ideals suck, it's the treatment that's the worst. I'm more like a godly legend here than I ever was in The Alliance. There, at least I was still one of the soldiers. Here, I'm a multi-million dollar resurrection project to save the universe." Anya sighed and got a little anxious at Garrus just staring at her. "Not that I wish I was still dead, but does mean I have had to accept the fact that I'm not really human anymore, not to the galaxy."

He was silent before poking her in the arm. She remembered the last time he did that; on her couch after Ash's funeral, when she didn't know if he was reaching for more. Luckily, this time, she didn't have any stupid expectations. It was just nice to be poked again. "Still seems like the same squishy human to me."

Anya laughed; laughed like she hadn't in ages. Everything about being here with him, it felt like her skin was ripping away, exposing every inch of muscle, every motion unbearably raw and painful. But she wouldn't dare thinking about being anywhere else, because she'd rather be raw with him than safe outside those. Doors. Looking up at his eyes, she said, "I missed you, Garrus."

"You think you missed me? You've missed me a couple weeks. I've missed you a couple years." Garrus chuckled and leaned in deeper to the railing, like his shoulders were getting too heavy. But his eyes didn't look like he was laughing. "You gave me a lot to agonize over. I should've known "I'll find you" was just heroic bullshit." But then, softer, more bitter, he laughed again. "But I guess you did find me, in that Omega deathtrap."

"How'd you end up there, anyway?"

"You really are going to make me do the tragic backstory thing, aren't you?" When he looked at her, he shook his head. Guess she wasn't the only one who felt like their friendship made them talk, even when they didn't really want to. "I wasn't in the best headspace after you died. Pent-up. Angry. I still am. My sister, Sol, helped me find a place to vent my frustrations and stop hearing your name." Garrus winced and flashed apologetic blue eyes at her. They were nicer than he probably realized, but Shepard felt that one in her gut. It was like a needle suddenly appeared and was threatening to pierce through. "No offense."

She looked away from him, because she knew he had every right to be upset with her. Hell, she was just happy he didn't hate her. But that didn't erase the years of pain that were all her fault and she couldn't forget that. Anya said, "I was the asshole who got myself killed, can't blame you."

But then his shoulder bumped hers, a little harder. "Not that. After all those talks with you about how being a hero hurt, I couldn't stand them turning you into a martyr. I knew Spectres would've been hell about that. I needed to find a place where you weren't a hero. Omega fit the bill."

Anya didn't know what to say. What could she say to someone who hated the galaxy she left behind because she leaned on him? Instead, she asked, "And then what?"

"What else? I ended up doing justice my way. And then I got too high on being team leader to realize it's weaknesses. We were betrayed by one of our own. I got lured away, and by the time I came back, everyone but two of my guys were dead. And those two only lasted a little over a day. I was alone, at the end. Just like when I lost you."

Again, Anya felt lost. Normally, her answer was to fix everything, but she put her own ass out of commission. Now all Garrus had were tragic memories that she couldn't change. The best she had were lame-ass condolences. "I can't bring back your team, but you have me." Even though she was starting to feel overwhelmed, Anya placed her hand on his and looked up at his face, something she cared about so much, and tried to make it clear that the universe hadn't forgotten him; she hadn't forgotten him. She wouldn't let it. "The dossier was a fluke, but I always planned on finding you. When The Illusive Man said you were missing, I couldn't think-."

Old Garrus would've pulled her into his arms and held her, but he just pulled away from her, stared down at his hands, and she could've sworn he looked guilty, maybe even angry. "I had to go underground. You were my best friend and you were dead. I had to do something."

Even though she didn't mean to, Anya felt her skin bristle. "So you turned into a merc-killer?"

He wouldn't even look at her now, just lost in the lines on his own talons. "Better a dumb hero than a useless one, buried under tape."

"You really would've been useless if you died." She wanted to reach for his hand again, but he already pulled away once. She just gave him a lame, weak bump against his shoulder again. With all the feelings washing over her, how could she have much else? Anya just tried her best to keep her composure, thinking about Omega. "You almost did, Garrus."

"On that balcony, I did die. That team got me through losing you. Without them, I was ready to take down as many goddamn mercs as possible before I went out. And then you showed up to save my ass, like you never died in the first place."

In that battery, there was definitely some tension and anger and guilt neither of them really knew how to process yet. And while they could talk in circles over things they weren't ready to face, Anya couldn't sit here, next to the turian she cared most about in the galaxy, and just make him think about the misery of it all. God knows how much she'd already done that while she was gone.

Instead, she just wanted to make him feel better.

"I'm sorry. Everything's fucked up." Anya shook her head and said what she should have said years ago, instead of always falling in his arms like he was made to hold her. It wasn't fair, not when he didn't... Well, she always pushed his boundaries and that wasn't fair, either, not when she knew she'd probably die. "I'm sorry if anything I did back then pushed you away. Or hurt you. I can't fix the fact that I died, but I should've been better, maybe left you with something more inspiring than-"

"Shepard, shut up."

"Don't. Let me try to start making up for what I did to you. I leaned on you. I made you participate in things that meant different things for each of us. I left you. I said I'd find you, but I didn't and I can't go back. Now is all I have."

When their eyes met, Garrus wasn't bitter or guilty anymore, but he still looked angry. And when he stood straight up, so much taller than her, she even felt somewhat intimidated. He looked down at her with such seriousness that it did make her shut up. "You don't need to apologize for being the hero you are." Suddenly, he was placing a hand on her arm, looking all over her shoulders, her skin, her legs, like he still couldn't believe she was there. "You're right, they're gone, and you're back and that's what we're dealing with. But if I could go back, I'd tell the most amazing woman in the galaxy that I was a scared idiot who kept pushing her away." Anya's brain was too fried to understand what he was saying, but he grabbed her hand and kept on going. "I couldn't believe what I felt. Not when you were... you and I was a lost ex-C-Sec officer clinging to you. I don't know if I feel sure or comfortable about any of it, but of course I care about you."

Scanning his face for any certainty, all Anya found was this desperate gaze that she'd never seen on him before. She just started blubbering, thinking of that morning after Noveria. Maybe he was talking about their friendship, and he thought her final words were about something platonic. She couldn't blame him, she never said anything overtly romantic, but she couldn't lie about it either. "I know that, but I meant-"

"Dammit Shepard. I know what you meant. I didn't know how to deal with it. But you died. I'm not going to push you away anymore so you can play perfect Commander. I thought you deserved Alenko or Liara back then. Closer to home, y'know? I was being an insecure asshole." If he knew what she meant... But Garrus just kept on talking before she could process, like if he stopped talking he'd lose the nerve. His hand squeezed hers. "But look at you. I never thought I'd see you again, let alone touch you or talk to you. For all the fucked up things that have happened to me, I don't know how I got so lucky."

"...Garrus..."

He took a step closer to her and Anya couldn't think over the sound of her heart beating. "I'm not smooth or romantic, and I'm not going to pretend I have a thing for humans. Just- Noveria meant something, okay? You chose me over Kaidan. You wanted me to stay the night. I'm not that fucking clueless. And I wanted it. But you were my CO and I thought we could never be anything but some drunk fantasy you got stuck on because you were lonely and hurt. I didn't want to encourage it." Another step, and he looked from their hands intertwined to her face with this screwed up look, like he was somewhere between vomiting and panicking. She understood the feeling. What also was there, though, was this softness that made her speechless. "But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep away from you."

"So you did know what I meant. But you said..."

"I know what I said and I was a damn liar."

With her heart drilling a jackhammer through her brain, she couldn't quite keep anything straight. Anya asked, "Are you sure?"

"You're impossible." Laughing, Garrus took a deep breath and kept going. She was thankful, because she would be stuttering and stumbling so hard by now that this conversation could've been classified as a verbal break. "Let's put it this way. All of us were devoted to you. But look at me. Everyone else moved on; I didn't. If I couldn't have you, the best I could do was be you."

"You did a pretty damn good job."

"No, I didn't. Yet even now you won't shut up about believing in me. Dammit Shepard, the fact that you believed my bullshit is absurd. I'm pretty sure everyone else knew how I felt. The least I can do is tell you now: I want to be with you." His handsome face and eyes fell, but his voice kept going and that was good. Because she could swear that voice was something she wished she could hear forever. "But we gotta be real here, I'm not the same person you said all those things to anymore. Omega and my team changed me. Losing you changed me. I don't know what that means for... us. If there even is an 'us". I'm half convinced none of the things I've just said make any sense."

Garrus might've been holding her hand, but he looked so unsure. She wished she could give him a good old Commander Shepard pep talk, but that wasn't what this was. This was something a lot more beautiful, and so very human.

So, all she had was an awkward human to give him. With a crackling cough, she said, "Call me Anya."

His eyes flicked up and met hers, confused. "What?"

"Off-duty, it's Anya. We can start there." She smiled and added, "I don't really know what to do about this either. I missed two whole years and I never knew you could- I know there's a lot I have to catch up on. But what I said before..." Anya was going to throw herself into a laser if she couldn't finish a sentence. She closed her eyes, took a breath, and then looked up at the handsome turian who made her feel like no one else. And she was fucknig terrified, but she said, "All it took is one look on Omega and you made me feel myself again. That matters. That's why you matter so much." When she laughed, it was so awkward that she wondered if someone could off her right now. Why in the hell did Garrus have any interest in her? That was far harder to wrap her head around than reciprocation.

Pulling her hand away, she ran her fingers through her hair and said, "And maybe next time we pass a bar, you can buy me a drink."

"I- I can do that."

"Good."

They stood next to each other for a minute, not really knowing what to say or do. Her entire body was an embarrassing, life-size blush and Garrus kept scratching his neck and wrists like he'd itch away how tragically embarrassed they both were.

Anya was a little upset she'd never bothered with relationships before. It would make her a lot less of an idiot at this moment, which was otherwise very important to her. Hell, maybe this is why Joker and Oksana used to tell her to go on dates and try out romance more, instead of focusing on work and dance. She hadn't felt so inept in years. Thank god they were alone, because he was the only one she could stand being so-

But then his voice cut through her thoughts. "One last confession?" Anya's head swiveled to look straight at him. His smile looked a lot more hopeful than she'd ever seen before, but it also kept wavering like he might pop a gasket. How sincere he looked made up for it and melted her heart all the way through the damn floor. "I respect Commander Shepard like hell. But those last few weeks on the Normandy? I was starting to like Anya a lot better."

Tragically, Anya felt her eyes tear up. Even without the confession shit, hearing someone she cared about say that? Damn, did that mean a lot to her. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, which did not help the weird whirlpool of overwhelmed feelings. She knuckled away any stray tears as quickly as she could. "Now that I'm not being a lying asshole, I gotta admit you're pretty adorable when you try not to cry."

Anya punched his shoulder. "Vakarian, I swear I will kill you-"

"Also cute when you try to threaten my life."

"Both you and Wrex need to work on what you find endearing." She crossed her arms and tried to take slower breaths and prayed her face cooled off. She needed to stop being such an embarrassment. Garrus also needed to work on what he found endearing since he liked her like this, messy and red and almost crying.

Next to her, he cocked his head sideways. "What do you mean?"

"Before... When we dropped him off, he was proud of people wanting to kill him? And I told him he shouldn't find that charming?" Anya realized that even though the memory was fresh for her, only a few weeks ago, Garrus hadn't seen Wrex in two years. She grimaced and facepalmed. "This whole time jump thing is going to be weird for a while, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it will be. But I'll be here for you like always."

Anya had to deflect; at this point she needed to, or her best friend was about to turn her entire body into a giant tomato with no chance of turning back to its normal color. With a very uneven laugh that cycled through several pitches, she said, "Just realized, you don't even know if I still feel the same way about you. You just assumed. Bold of a so-called insecure asshole."

"How could anyone not love this face?" He paused, and poked her cheek. "And no offense, but look at your face." Before she could get mad, he continued, "In all seriousness, I didn't know until you looked at me in med-bay."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it was when your Commander face was finally down. Even though you only looked for a few days and I looked for a few years, I knew that smile. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to hold you again, seeing you look as relieved as I felt."

Anya wanted to curl up in the corner because her entire body was warm and awkward. She had to be upgrading from tomato to cooked lobster. "You say you're not good at romantic..."

"Give me a minute. I'll say something wonderfully unsexy."

No matter how much she totally loved being embarrassed and impressed and feel her heart beat out of her chest, she did say what she came down here to say. And, she had other things to do. Looking up at his bright blue eyes, she sighed in disappointment. She really couldn't stay down here and look at them all day, could she? "Would love to, but I have some mission reports to go over." She also needed a cold shower and a nap, too.

They stood in front of each other and just kinda stood stiff, neither really knowing what to do. Anya just nodded and started sliding her way towards the door. When she was almost out, all the fuzzy feelings in her chest couldn't help but add, "Two years, and I still found you."

"Yeah, you did, A-Anya." Garrus winced so hard that she could see his flexing muscles ripple throughout his shoulders. Yep, needed a cold shower. Scratching his head, his face looked pained when he said, "Dammit, first time using your first name and I say it like you have a gun to my head. Perfect."

Anya just kept walking very slowly through the open door. "And there it is. The awkward turian of my dreams." After she said that, her entire body caved in, turning into some sort of horrific modern art piece about social suffering. Covering her face with both hands, she rubbed her cheeks and shook her head. How were they two of the galaxy's top soldiers? The universe had terrible taste. They were pathetic. "Fuck, we both need to work on this. But for now, with that horrible, cringey statement, I should go."

Before she could reach the hallway, he stepped forward and squeezed her hand, giving a wink. Every organ in her abdomen fluttered. She was a little bitter that the man had his moments of being so damn charming. "As long as you promise to come back."

Like the horribly awkward grub of a human she was, she shook his hand, then let it go. "I will."

Turning on her heel, she walked away from the battery and hoped space lightning struck her dead before she ran into anyone. Luckily, no one paid any attention to the freshly embarrassed, cherry-colored human walking across the crew deck and into the elevator.

Anya was absolutely pathetic, definitely even more than he was, but she also couldn't help but feel her heart dance a goddamn jitterbug in her chest.

She did need a shower and a nap and to go over some mission reports, but before that she pinged the only other confidant she had. My answer changed. The reunion was good. Really good.

Joker responded a few seconds after she started prepping the water. She checked her datapad one last time to read, Great! Do I get to win the dating pool, then? I bet 50 credits on your big, obvious turian crush.

Staring at her screen, Anya snorted, but played coy. I didn't say anything about dating.

Don't make me force EDI to pull up the footage.

With an eye-roll, Anya replied, I'll send you 300 credits if you shut up.

Sounds like a deal. A pause. Extorting you about your dating life is great, I've really missed out all these years.

Fuck off, Joker.

Happy you're happy, Anya.

///

I love this chapter sososososo much. It's super long, but I always knew I wanted them to talk about their feelings instead of playing the slow burn forever. I feel like people who were as close as they were would always struggle not just letting their feelings fall out of their mouths. Instead, our conflict is them being awkward middle schoolers falling in love and trying to save the galaxy.

Thanks so much for reading. Even more thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly