#and for once..

[lyloneliness]

This will have nothing to do with bsd and will be very personal so those who follow me for bsd stuff you can stop reading if you want ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎

Actually, I don't think many remember, or have even read the tag game (edit: my bad, it was an ask) in which I said I actually have something similar to a Dissociative Identity Disorder.. Well, even if no one reads this I just wanna put my thoughts down so it's okay anyway.

I just realized that now that I'm dissociated, what is 'me' as an alter (alternative personality), or more as a person is supposed to be way more defined... Or restricted in a way. I was always a weird person, with many changes of heart, of moods, of likings and other stuff... Well, in everything really.

Back then, if I was to use only one word to define myself I would always answer "changing", or "inconsistent". One time I even got very upset at my parents and cried because they said it was a bad word, a bad thing, that I shouldn't describe myself as inconsistent... I felt like they rejected the fact that I am like this, or just basically, like they rejected me.

Anyway, now I know that it was because the different parts of 'me' that were supposed to assemble in one identity at the end of early childhood didn't assemble like with most people, those who don't struggle with severe dissociation. And with people with a 'complete' DID, they don't assemble at all, and one becomes the main while the others appear later in life to help the 'whole person'/system navigate in life, adaptating to situations by switching. But for me it was just like a child doesn't knowing how to combine many things to make a proper collage just taped a ripped sheet of paper together to vaguely maintain it, faking it being whole.

That's why I was like that, I was literally different persons stitched together and coexisting throughout my life.

And now that each of us is separated from the others, and well defined, they all know what they like, how they are, who they are. Well, they don't even have to acknowledge it, they just ARE like that.

All but me.

I'm the 'main', the one to whom all this life is attributed to, the base of our existence until now. And all the memories I have are supposed to be mine. My feelings, my likings, my relationships, my behaviors.. But now I know most of them were the other alters', and I don't know anymore what I like. What is 'me' in all of this?

I don't know how to make the distinction. I don't know what I like, how I'm supposed to act like. The person I was supposed to be wasn't really me all this time, so the image I had of myself is crushed.. I always felt like I wasn't properly someone, I never knew who I was, so I made efforts. But turns out all the progress I thought I had made over the years to construct my personality just split at the same time as us, I'm back to before I constructed everything I'm supposed to be. There is nothing left for me..

I can't even say what my favorite colour is.

I don't have an identity.

I feel like a digital painting to which all the layers were took away to make a complete painting out of each, and all is left is the blank canvas. That's indeed a weird comparison but well, I'm supposed to be an artist so I couldn't think of something else.

I feel like I'm a middle schooler in the middle of an existential crisis when I'm supposed to be 19 in a little more than a month. Everyone always said I was a mature one, turns out one of my alters was 4 years older all this time, and now I can't seem to see things from a distance, cool my head and try to understand anymore. Everything is blurry and I'm scared. Honestly, I forgot what it was to be lost and scared. 'I ' almost didn't feel anything in a year and now I'm blending with a big mess of feelings that I don't even know are mine or not, and how I need to react to them.

I don't even know if I'm tired of being in this void, or sad, or disappointed by this loss of self... I drown myself in hypersomnia to avoid existing like this and thinking about what I'm gonna become and how I'm supposed to become it (well, I don't even know what I want to be to begin with.. ), only to have weird dreams that I don't know are whose since I switch even in it, and deciphering it all seems exhausting.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I actually want to do anything..

Well, this is all for the rambling! (≡^∇^≡)

I kinda feel sorry for anyone who'd get until here reading all this mess... If you wanna say smth or ask questions I'm all open really. Even if it's quite unlikely.. but yeah, "just in case", yknow (=ㅇ༝ㅇ=)

Oh! And something that made me laugh (bitterly but still) :

*Incoming screenshot of when I was writing*, for those with the blue theme like me

Auto correct didn't even consider this possible 😹😹😹

[wizardnuke]

"skibidi toilet is ruining gen alpha" do none of you people remember asdf. i remember asdf.

[frenchublog]

kosovo miku

[bootleg-grandpa]

"Stan has no idea, but he did it. He saved the world. He saved me. You're our hero, Stanley."

*Something something*- no matter againts who or what-Stan will always protect his bro

[varilien]

am i blanchin?

girl we blanchin!!

HI HIII happy birthday to everyone's favorite mystery twins!! how did they grow up so fast!!!!

Palestine: Funds | Action | eSims | Info Sudan Resources | Congo Resources

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Expertise can't help you here.

[haunted-xander]

If you skip a meal Senshi will materialize next to you w/ food at the ready

[blorbocedes]

if 3000+ devices exploded simultaneously and thousands got injured, 37+ ppl died in usa or london or france anywhere in the imperial core this website would be talking about it nonstop. my coworkers' relatives are lebanese and he hasn't been able to contact them because everyone's nervous of using anything with a lithium battery. the kids from diaspora are teaching their parents how to turn off find my phone and airdrop and other geolocating options. it's absurd to me people are carrying on like its normal, or just don't care cause c'mon ppl blow up in the middle east all the time, right?

[thoodleoo]

it's me boy, the medieval scribe speaking to you inside your brain. listen to me boy. draw in the margins of your notes instead of paying attention

[illmetkismet]

Sugardaddy/sugarbaby relationship but the one with money is an annoying 23 year old who like, made a successful app in college or something, and the poor one is a 40-something single dad with medical debt who was just 'made redundant' at his soul-killing job. Mmmmm-hmmmm.... Thinking about this.

[soracities]

happy "everyone forgets that icarus also flew" monday. i want to throw up !

[slavicafire]

sobbing into my plate after overhearing a conversation between a mom and her tiny daughter in this shopping centre food court

[trudlejack]

(+part 2)

[communistkenobi]

“It’s so crazy JKR is misgendering a real cis WOMAN who was raised as a GIRL her whole LIFE what a dummy” is such a dogshit argument lol stop ceding ground to the idea that cis women have a more legitimate claim to womanhood because they were “born and raised” a woman and that’s why it makes this misgendering “more” ridiculous somehow. transphobes being constantly wrong about who is “actually transgender” is not their trans clocking radar ‘misfiring,’ they are proudly, openly, and successfully terrorising the public into accepting a very narrow & particular white suprematist notion of gendered divisions in society. JKR is not ‘mistaken’ she’s a fucking white supremacist who hangs out with other white supremacists & advances white supremacy through the language of transphobia. why is anyone still acting like she’s “making mistakes” where have you people been

[khive-cauchy]

applying for jobs seems to mostly consist of lying and submitting to indignities, which is whatever. but it is very difficult for me to override my innate instinct that anyone demanding i write a cover letter has insulted me so greatly that the only way to retain my honor is violence