#and form a singularity
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anexplosionofchaos · 24 days ago
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yall is wanting sskk to reunite with gently pressing their foreheads together or staring into eachothers eyes (AND akutagawas eyes are light because his ordeal is back) too much to ask for. asagiri i will pay you to get them to have a whole panel of them homoerotically staring at eachother when they see eachother again
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so my mind has a classification system i still haven't dissected, and that combined with the fact tumblr puts so many random fandoms on my dash means that i sometimes Mislabel things mentally.
anyways: for a period of ~18 months i thought Sarcastic Fringehead was the stage name of this performer:
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gentlemanjuniper · 1 month ago
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Asexuality, Fic, and Murderbot
I'm seeing some heated posts on the tags essentially threatening fans who are interested in writing romance-adjacent fic and I'm getting nervous about the tone that this is striking. As a real-life asexual I have seen my experiences be policed a lot into categories of 'acceptable' asexuality (aka, no romance for you, no life partnerships for you, or are you really ace?) and I really hope that this fandom won't, in an effort to uplift ace and aro people, become hostile to people exploring those identities with nuance and complexity.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't feel like people writing 'ship' fic (say, ART/Murderbot) are disrespecting or disregarding me. I feel like they are asking really interesting questions that brings them closer to my experience: how might two asexual beings navigate a relationship? What might a non-traditional, non-heteronormative definition of 'romance' or 'partnership' look like for two robots whose feelings aren't mappable onto human romantic or sexual feelings? What might intimacy look like without sex? What are the boundaries between romantic love and platonic love anyway, how do we define them, and how can a world of sentient robots allow us to think through those questions through the symbolic space of fiction? I think that stuff is really interesting BECAUSE I'm ace!!!
Idk, I'm not the voice of all aces everwhere obviously. I'm just really hoping that this fandom doesn't become so hostile to people writing fic that we lock ourselves into an extremely narrow definition of acceptable asexuality*. My own relationship to asexuality has changed so much over my lifetime and has involved negotiation with attraction, romance, and sex. It makes me bummed to think we're already policing this stuff. *Focusing on asexuality here because I don't personally know, having only read the first three books so far, if Murderbot is definitively aromantic or not, since this entire conversation assumes that any relationship to romance would be through a bot lens anyway and not human in nature to begin with. Is there a robot equivalent to romance that is distinctly non-human in nature, utterly resisting human binaries of romantic/aromantic? If so what would it look like? This is the stuff I want fandom to not be heckled out of exploring!!!
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beskarfrog · 3 months ago
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deviant from accepted standards
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crow-caller · 1 month ago
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If you find using alt pronouns tricky or unnatural, just a bit weird that you maybe avoid it as much as possible— I'm talking it/its, neopronouns like ae/aer.
Practice. That's it.
It is okay to find these odd to use, because you are not used to using them. It isn't that it/its is magically uncomfortable to use to refer to another human, it's that you haven't used it for people before and your brain isn't used to it. It's okay to have trouble formatting neopronouns, because unlike she/her/hers/herself you don't have experience using that pronoun and it's variants
Practice! Write something starring a character using those pronouns. Find a character who uses them you can write about. Just scribble out sentences. You need to train your brain a little, and that's normal.
Did you ever have trouble using they/them? I did! People who complain using singular they/them feels wrong are experiencing the same thing. I struggled to conjugate it at first because I'd not used it in such a way. Now it is effortless. You just aren't used to it. You should practice.
#truly people who go “ummm i feel awkward using it/its for a person” if the person asks you should bc hey want you t9#youre not offending them you just have a wall in your head of prior use saying “this pronoun cant be used like that”#you need to unlearn that#like using it/its for my beloved bazaar has eased my abiliry to use it massively#which is to say! i would have always used someones preferred pronouns but talking and thinking about an it/its user makes it more effortless#neopronouns can be especially tricky to conjugate bc youve likely never used or thought of them#it feels wrong bc these new words are mixed with familiar ones#when writing bad end Theapple begins using ae/aer pronouns and part of that was indeed#me wanting to include more than incidental neopronouns but also practice them#so i found writing aem very tricky at forst. a lot of rereading to check i used the right form#but by the end it was easy enough#i am very understanding about it not feeling right at first and want to assure you you dont suck for struggling#its normal to struggle i think but you need to put a little effort in for the sake of getting over it. its easy to fix#and i bring up they/them bc singular they is more normal in english but#you going “it/its is unnatural it feels weird to use” is p much the same as saying that about they/them. its just alt pronouns#they/them was quite popular growing up as a teen but i still never knew or had to use it frequently until uni#where the moment i had nb friends who used they/them suddenly it was absolutely effortless. practice
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starry-bi-sky · 1 year ago
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DPXDC CFAU Headcanon: Ghostspeak Edition
Ghosts in the Infinite Realms who saw Jason and Danny together called them "luzdra", a term in ghost speak that directly translates into the words "shared soul". It's literal definition is; "two ghosts with a bond so deep that it was as if they had split their souls in half and given one to the other", but in general it just means two ghosts with a profound, indescribable bond.
Luzdrus is the singular form of the word, and refers to only one ghost in the bond. While "luzdra" is plural and either refers to both of them together, or the relationship as a whole. It depends on the context of the conversation and who they're saying it to.
There is no romantic, platonic, or familial connotation behind the word. It just means "someone who shares a deep bond with someone" and can be between anyone.
It also does not mean soulmate, and if you say that you'll be corrected. Soulmates implies that their bond was destined by the universe, luzdra are two people who developed and built that bond themselves. It's a relationship forged between two (or more) people.
Some of Danny's rogues -- like Kitty and Johnny, who might've seen the two together and are possibly luzdra themselves -- still call him 'luzdrus' even after Jason's disappearance from the Zone. Danny doesn't know how to feel about it.
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turtleblogatlast · 11 months ago
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Something I really like is that April’s constant stream of odd jobs she goes through is somewhat reflected in the boys as well. Like, you have April working at random pizza places or getting a crane license or being fully willing to apply for a job at a place clearly made out of cardboard. Then you have the boys as well who do anything from working as a basketball mascot, building a massive dog park, being waiters, getting a whole band gig at a theme park, etc, etc-
Main difference is that April actively applies for these jobs (and is hopefully paid for the short time she’s in them) whereas for the bros the jobs usually find them (and they practically never get paid.) It doesn’t even stop at jobs either, they just seem to casually amass skills in general.
I don’t know, I like how both April and the turtles are just so ready and willing to do things. Sure, they’re not always good at these things, but they do them readily! In a way, being heroes is just another job (well, more like volunteer work/vigilantism/another fun activity) that they initially took on because of their general sense of “why not?”
They’re very willing and open to trying out new things despite their tendency to revert back to what they enjoy (and how commonly trying new things ends up going wrong), and I think that adaptational interest of theirs really helps them be well rounded in multiple regards.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#like not even just jobs these characters just like to go out and do things!#even if they’re initially not interested they’re so curious and stuff that they’ll do it anyway#I wonder if April being as curious and incredibly open minded as she is rubbed off on the boys growing up#and they like…osmosis’d this personality trait from her to be like ‘yeah sure whatever’ to any antic#I also just think that they’re bored teenagers with a TON of time on their hands so they like to just live it up#I think the boys always had the desire to go out and apply themselves but meeting April likely pushed them more#y’know I wonder#what if April narrowed down just one job when in college and she actually managed to keep it#like…almost as a form of growth - she narrowed down jobs and careers and schooling as she hit early adulthood?#it’s kinda reflected in raph as well - originally so open and for goofing off but now much more singularly focused on hero stuff#kinda a sad way to look at growing up but it works here#because you have the three younger sibs still readily doing other things#not as focused on responsibility or singular paths#it’s sad because adulthood absolutely does not mean not being open to other things#but at that time in your life sometimes there’s a pressure and unwanted responsibility to pick a path y’know?#and it’s a relief to learn that actually there was never just one set path with one set trail you always had to stay on#and I think that’s reflected in how raph at the end of the movie opens back up to playing around and doing things for the fun of it
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meamiki · 7 months ago
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Happy Anniversary In Stars and Time!! Have some Friend Quest based drawings :D
(These have specific quote picks related to them! And there's also a long ramble on why I like those specific quotes below if interested)
(And by long, I mean roughly 2k+ words of proper ramble total, so be warned before clicking keep reading this link right here to the rb!!)
#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#<- edited now this is just act 3 spoilers for the art LMAO#isat mirabelle#isat isabeau#isat odile#isat bonnie#isat siffrin#<- i promise this is the last time in a long long time i tag someone who only shows up with their back turned#but in my defense they also are here four times so i think the tag is justified SADASFA#time for a messier secondary post underneath the first WAHOOOO#to start!! random art tidbits!! no one is looking at siffrin in these!!#mira and isa are looking away while odile and bonnie have their eyes closed#in my minds eye these are the A4 versions of the FQ so siffrin internally is Not Having A Good Time#i just thought itd be fun to incorporate somehow as an extra easter egg detail kinda!#also i tried to make the bgs mildly accurate to location in game and its the reason why isa got to have one (1) singular tree in the bg#laaast art tidbit is that i took a bit of a creative liberty with bonnies#well i did with all of them but still#since its not explicitly stated sif god up immediately after tripping they get to stay on the floor in the drawing#i just thought itd be fun for the drawing!!#moving onto general tidbits in addition to the time fun fact i also decided the posting time#specifically so itd be in the middle of me having back to back to back meetings so can't second guess myself in posting this HAHA#every time i post any form of text based ramble on characters or even headcanons i Fear#and YEAH i am probably just being overly nitpicky towards myself on analysis that can prob be read several diff ways cuz interpretation#but i really really really dont want to fumble so badly to the point of mischaracterizing anyone since i like them a lot!!#still working on getting over that but hey at least i am trying and thats all i can ask of myself i think!#okay now time to Lie Down im writing these tags after stream#tag talk over into q u go :]#partial pin
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wishecho · 4 months ago
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wrong conclusion
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somecrimsondream · 1 year ago
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Best ship!
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eliashirsch · 1 year ago
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God Tier Top Gun Fanfictions. A Masterlist. (1/3)
As of 15th May 2024, these are some of the BEST stories I have read in the fandom. Of course, this is completely subjective and there are many personal factors as to why I crowned them God Tier. 
Mainly:
Reading it for the first time: ‘Oh, this is really good, I’m going to be thinking about this for the rest of my life’
When compiling the list: ‘Oh my god, this fic, man, this fic!!’
There are many other fics that match the first criteria, but for it to be on this list, I needed to have these two reactions.
REMINDER! READ THE AUTHORS' TAGS AND WARNINGS!!! They’re there for a reason. PLEASE make sure you understand where the story is going to be before reading!!
Without further ado, I present to you, my roman empires:)
Winner Categories:
1. Best of the Best Authors (1/3)
2. Best of the Best Series (2/3)
3. Best of the Best Fics (3/3)
4. Honorary Mentions (4/3)
Best of the Best Authors
Authors that I trust with my life, whose work are ALL incredibly well written. 
COMPACFLT @compacflt
They’re the first person to pop in my head when I was thinking about making this list. No amount of time and words will be enough for me to describe how good their work is. Seriously. It’s on a level I’ve never seen before for fanfiction. The world building, the characterization, the prose, everything. COMPACFLT has a way of understanding these characters, it makes so much sense and fits so well with canon. I’m just at a loss for words. Genuinely the reason I converted to Icemav supremacy.
When We Get Around to Talking About It 
Goose has been dead for a week and a half when Iceman loses his first wingman in a dogfight with six Soviet MiGs over the Sea of Okhotsk. Goose has been dead for thirty years when Iceman loses his second wingman to a surface-to-air missile on the tail-end of a mission he's responsible for: he's sent his family on a suicide mission to destroy a uranium enrichment facility in Russia's Far East. This is the story of those thirty years in the middle. (Or: Tom Kazansky rises through the ranks while trying to stay a good man. If he ever was one to begin with.)
This was the first story I’ve read from them. And it’s so… I don’t have words.  It’s told from Ice’s perspective, filling the gaps between TG and TG:M with added Icemav and Hangster. In my mind this is canon:D
Debriefing (& Other Stories)
"We can start here, I guess. If we're talking about us," Pete says. "Nineteen-eighty-six. The first thing I thought, when I saw you in that O-club, was: Iceman is off-limits. Capital O, capital L." Despite himself, despite the fear, Tom laughs a little. "Oh, yeah? Why's that?" "Well, first off, we were competition. And yeah, you were attractive, but then you opened your mouth and I swear. You were just an asshole. Goose is trying to introduce you to me and here I am thinking about how much of an asshole you are. Shut up about Cougar, asshole." "It was supposed to be a friendly competition!" "Yeah, right. So that's what I was thinking: he's attractive, clearly doesn't know how to talk to other men, might be into the proposition if I framed it the right way. But he's an asshole, so this competition is just gonna be friendly." Pete pauses. Then he says, "Ice, you wanna get married?" And that's how they start talking about it. (Or: they finally get around to talking about it. Plus a couple extra stories for good luck.)
Sigh and send COMPACFLT a loving look. This Maverick's POV adds so much to the story without being repetitive. COMPACFLT deliberately tells their story like puzzle pieces, and they complete each other—just like Icemav, if you will. 
The Slider oneshot is truly something else. I was so eager for the upload and kept an eye on their account for updates religiously. To flesh out a character that barely has any source material is an incredible skill to have. And the Bradley oneshot… Omg… My favorite characterization of Bradley, period. 
Tremors & Aftershocks
They both come back to their senses and stop openly crying again eventually. The stitches fall out of the thirty-year-old wounds and the scars fade back to skin-color. Life stops being so painfully raw after a couple weeks back home. You get used to miracles the way you get used to anything else. One day at a time. [Or: 40 years of extras, from 1982-2022. Some true love, some heartbreak, some miracles.]
To me, this one has a different feeling from the other two. More focused on Ice and Mav’s relationship as opposed to the whole plotline. It’s tender and bittersweet and feels like being hugged for the first time and then told that you wouldn’t get another hug in thirty years time.  
What impresses me most is that, if you go to COMPACFLT’s Tumblr account, you’ll see the thought they’ve put for these stories are INSANE. They’re so educated on the military and its history and it adds so much to these characters. I’m not American and all my writing for Top Gun will always stem from google searches and other fics. If you’re a nerd like me and like to read about other’s analysis about topics they know nothing about, I suggest you go to their account and have fun.
COMPACFLT, you have captured my soul with your writing. Thank you for your service and I wish you well in life.
AortaArgent @aortaargent
If you’re looking for an author who can write smut like nothing else, go to their profile. Better yet, click here, and scroll down to the threads they made about girl!Mav and get horny real quick. It’s a shortcut to heaven really. (And yes, I’m still upset that they seem to have left the fandom, but I still hold the stories they’ve left behind close to my heart:)) My favorites:
like a shotgun (needs an outcome)
“Ice gave me a handjob when we did this,” he argues. “Oh, that’s what gets you moving? Seeing who comes first?” With that, Slider takes hold of him, wrapping his hand around and keeping his fist steady. “Go on, baby girl. Fuck it like a good little -” He squeezes Slider’s balls a little harder than he’d imagine is necessarily pleasant. For Slider. It's definitely nice for him. “Fuck,” Kerner chokes out, weakly. Ice sounds like he’s trying not to laugh. “I told you he bites.” In which there are multiple realisations, improbable numbers of pilots hanging out in a shared shower, volleyball games and verbal tennis. Yes, it's compulsory to wear your dogtags in the shower - never know when you could need identification. (Only kidding, it's for added fuckability.)
It’s so hot... but believable at the same time. BDSM is just one of those things where you read about it and can tell if the author has experience or is just extremely well-informed. 
Eye to Eye 
“Maybe it’s not just us looking to get a piece of you,” Wolf says. He’s right by Maverick’s head, and a shiver rolls down his shoulders in a sweeping tide at the soft click of each word against his ear. “Maybe we offered. You’re so pretty, Mav. It’s not a hard sell.” His hands twitch with the effort of not reaching up to tear off the blindfold and find out if they’re telling the truth or just winding him up. It’s possible. Occupied, blindfolded, he might not have noticed the door opening. More guys could have been in the showers. Two hands circle his ankles, firm over his boots, and hold him steady. Someone else has his left hand, kneading the tendons down the back of it. Anyone and anything is plausible. A continuation. Finally.
HOT DAMN. That’s all.
AortaArgent portrayed Ice and Mav’s relationship as absolute and secure while having fun with Mav’s dynamic with the other guys. All of their works are mind-boggling and simply amazing!
thecarlysutra @icemankazansky
Need I say more? Carly’s one of the most prominent members of the Top Gun fandom. Actually, I trust any member of the Top Gun Old Guard. With Carly, there’s something about their writing that makes me think of discovering an old box of CDs you used to watch relentlessly, dusty and worn, but the nostalgia rushes back and it’s achingly familiar. You can tell they’ve been writing for Top Gun for so long the characters kind of became their own. And when you click on any fic they wrote, you can fall and trust they’ll catch you. My favorites:
and i promise, you're the locksmith
“Is something going on in your neighborhood?” Maverick asked. “Like … a pest problem or something?” “You could say that,” Ice said. “Like … a coyote or something?” “Suitors,” Ice said. Maverick's attempts to woo Iceman are somewhat complicated by the promise Ice has made: Anyone who wants to marry him must catch his cat, which wears the key to his house around its neck on a silver chain. Inspired by the Tumblr legend.
This one’s so cute!!! Ugh, I’m never going to get tired of reading Icemav fall in love over and over again. 
Dreams of Impact
Maverick's trip in Darkstar takes him further than he ever imagined possible.
Sigh for the second time and send hearts Carly’s way. Basically, Mav gets transported to another universe and weird things happen. I love fics that dabble with the universe, the what-ifs, the what could’ve been. Do you ever have that moment when you make a decision, look back and wonder how life would be if you chose differently? Click on the link and read 🫵
aelibia @topgunreacts
God. aelibia’s just too good. It’s like banger after banger after banger. If you’re looking for an author whose work is a guaranteed good read, click the link and it’ll show you magic. They have Icemav ranging from tender and soft to angsty, portraying all different sorts of love and a way of writing explicit sex that I’ve never found anywhere else. 
I can’t even pick which one’s my favorite because they’re all my favorite. Especially the series they wrote, oh my god. I love them all. However, one that I reread religiously and being giddy over is this:
Wine Dark Sea
Raised by a selkie mother bound to a human man, Ice returns to the human world as a teenager with a singular purpose: to find the source of human strength, and claim it for himself. But after a careless mistake binds him to another human man, Ice is forced to reconsider his most fundamental beliefs: What is the meaning of strength? And what is the cost of freedom?
It’s so silly at times and heartbreaking most of the time. I especially love the later chapters where the evil is defeated and Ice is just being a silly seal while Mav’s being the supportive partner that he is. This fic is the SOLE REASON that my favorite animal is a seal. Thank you for opening my eyes to something that has been so obvious from the start, your majesty aelibia.
I also humbly present these seal drawings because the image of Ice galumphing around a Navy base, complete with wet smacks and people shrieking in horror makes me laugh everyday. That, and the scene where Mav is surrounded by four fat harbor seal pups and reading a story to them. Eleven out of ten. 
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This one’s my favorite:}
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randomness-is-my-order · 6 months ago
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sometimes, i actually don’t appreciate it when people interpret wei wuxian’s life philosophy of “remember the good, forget the bad” (speaking very loosely) as some kind of low self-esteem or method of devaluing his own self and struggles or repressing his emotions because, and get this, grief looks different on different people. people process it in unique, downright bizarre ways sometimes. why do we have this idea in our heads about what “coping with grief” should look like on our characters or that if they aren’t dwelling on everything wrong done to them, they are somehow unhealthy in their relationship with loss/grief? that this is just putting a lid on a volcano? because when has the text ever indicated that wei wuxian is merely brushing off his negative emotions related to a loss, rather than literally overcoming it that quick as his ideology on it has stated to be? and it isn’t even that wei wuxian isn’t shown to mourn things–he is devastated by wen ning and wen qing’s sacrifice, he cries after the attack on lotus pier, he even accepts how the loss of his core upset him and he does reminisce about things of the past. it is merely that his mental fortitude works a certain way and allows him to leave the bad things behind to move forward towards better things, better memories, better experiences. it’s not an unhealthy coping mechanism, it is literally how wei wuxian is and you know what? i can’t relate either but i love that for him because it works for him because at the end of the day, the whole point of emotional baggages is that you need to shed them off to make space for something much better and wei wuxian is able to do that, time and time again, and that’s wonderful.
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aq2003 · 2 years ago
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like the important thing you must keep in mind about ten when you see him do literally anything is that he's soooooooooo so so so bad at actually isolating himself from other people. so TERMINALLY bad at it. he thinks to himself "i don't need human connection because everything i do causes pain and destruction to those around me :(" but then he experiences a crumb of human connection and his heart starts to spill out of his chest
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daily-joel-smallishbeans · 5 months ago
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okay but what if he WAS a bean
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day 15. joel bean. joel biggishbean even .
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bacchuschucklefuck · 11 months ago
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Riz has counted four casseroles this week alone. Five, if one goes by the method of cooking, but Yelen's scary when she's crossed, and calling her burek by its proper name is important to her, so Riz does her the courtesy and doesn't include it in his mental tally.
He holds the tupperware over his head to keep it out if the way as he takes careful steps over the piles of notes in his path. The dockman case just closed, relevant documentations handed over to relevant personnels, evidences dealt with as needed; all he has lying around now is just record of the process and traces of himself thinking through it. Unsurprisingly they still haven't invented a surface more convenient for people under five feet who like to pace to put pieces of paper on than the ground.
Actual records go into the case folder with the other documents. Anything else with at least one side still blank is going to the school kids in the block - they chew through an astounding amount of paper just learning arithmetic. The rest is for the recycling basket.
Later. It's his mandated lunch break right now.
Riz sits down in front of the corner file cabinet. In an office often overrun with papers and strings and sometimes even thumbtacks, he's never really managed to clutter up this exact square of surface like every other ones. Ever since the bottom drawer rattled for no discernible reason a day long past, his eyes have always just kinda decided to slide across the space without acknowledging it.
It's years out, now. Riz doesn't know why he thought it such a big deal anymore, back then. He wasn't scared, he doesn't think. Not anymore. Maybe just uncomfortable with the idea that certain things persist despite all efforts to change.
He opens the tupperware. Dame Carabelle's experiment greets him with enough spice in the aroma alone to knock out a small mammal. When he chopped the vegetables for this casserole he couldn't really imagine the eventual heft of it, evident even through just these few ladles' worth, maybe weighing heavier for being still warm. His folk eat more through the smell and the textures and the aftertastes than the taste itself. His folk's meal is really the cooking rather than the eating. The eating is the meal's end.
"Hey," he tells the file cabinet's bottom drawer. "Um."
It's the anniversary. Riz doesn't know the exact date of his dad's death; nobody currently alive does. He and Mom both use the date of the funeral, though as he moved out to Bastion and then got more directly involved with Interplanar he hasn't really been going to Dad's grave as much. Doesn't seem like very efficient use of his time, catching a train or borrowing a car or spending a whole spell slot on going somewhere he knows Dad isn't at. They're sorta coworkers now. They talk on and off every other week between missions. When he goes now, it's just to clean up the place, keeping the landmark tidy and respectable.
Without that work to mark the date he doesn't really know what it serves anymore. But he still remembers it. Still takes note, absently or not, when it comes around.
There's not really a good way to tell the drawer that. Riz looks for another way to start the... conversation, hopefully. The question at play, he'd guess, is why he's doing this. He's been pretty content ignoring all the rattlings and the knocks from inside and the times it sits slightly ajar without him ever opening it himself; hell, he still uses the three drawers on top of it. Space is fucking precious in Bastion.
Precious enough to finally fix this damn drawer so he gets his turn to use it? Riz asks himself. Is that what we're getting to? Then he dismisses the thought - he didn't manage to fix it the times he actually tried, let alone-- now. When he doesn't really care that much to.
That's probably a good place to start. "'s fine if you keep being in there, turns out," Riz says.
The lunch hours are quiet in the block, sleepy and bright with the brief window of sunlight that manages to break through roof overhangs and extended balconies and laundry lines and climbing vines. Riz's work isn't loud here (the loud parts happen away from his office, if everything goes right), but the fragment of early summer heat reflected in the steady warmth his meal still carries compels him to lower his voice even more. It makes the words feel intimate, in a way he's never been familiar with - if he says something he just says it. He doesn't whisper. If he gives his friends something, he gives it open-palm. He's found out, along the way, that people usually don't think of rituals and courtesies the way he does.
Small voice for a diminished monster. "You know why I think so?" Riz asks. "Because almost two decades ago you kidnapped me and almost killed me, and now you rattle a drawer in my office."
It doesn't sound as much like a taunt as Riz wanted it to; the drawer has made a lot of noises again this morning when he checked the calendar, and he was definitely annoyed at it. Now, though, facing it like this after cooking the whole morning with more grandparents and peers from the block than he can count on both hands to cater for a tenant union meeting, he thinks the annoyance has morphed. Changed shape.
It has the shades of something like pity. Riz is not prone to pity, and especially not at these kinda matters. It's slightly maddening that he coheres perfectly outside of this one spot. That he commands his spaces, except for a drawer.
He puts the tupperware onto the floor between himself and the cabinet. "I know we're aware it's the anniversary," he says at the drawer. "You do this every year. You make a ruckus every time I decide to go do my job instead of mooching off my friends' aircon, and every time I get an invitation to some stupid social thing I want to turn down, and every time one of the old people tries to introduce me to a child or a nibling, because being a bachelor over thirty is weird," he pinches the bridge of his nose. "I have three fucking jobs. I love doing my fucking jobs. I'm forcing funds into infrastructures. You're never leaving, are you."
The drawer vibrates lightly. It's a very, very mild acknowledgement, considering the history of reactions Riz has gotten from this thing. Riz thinks it's emanating joyous agreement, or satisfaction.
It only sharpens the pity. Riz doesn't like that, but it's how it is. That's, ultimately, the lesson he's been taught over and over and over again, just by existing as himself, turned every which way by space after space that don't see him eye-to-eye: it's not like he'd quit living over any of it. It's not like any of it can sand off these fundamental pieces of him.
He's outgrown a lot of things, he's found out. Again, and again, and again. A childhood home, a yearly trip, a monster.
"'s probably scary for you, huh?" He asks. "Because I left."
He thinks he hears joints creak that sound like you did. Probably the way a scorned lover would say it, in a movie or a yellowback. He has no more connection to the idea than he did as a kid. Less, because it doesn't even scare him.
"That's what it is, right? That it's the anniversary, and I'll never be like Dad." He raises a knee from the floor, pulls it back closer to him. Slings an arm over it. "You love to remind me. The thing is, Dad also left. He loved Mom and he loved me, and none of us wanted it to happen, but it still did. Because love does fuckall to make anyone stay on its own."
He's long past being bitter about it. It's just the facts. Once upon a time he looked into the future and the specter of his friends' happily-ever-after casted lightless, fathomless shadow over him. Love, marriage, that kind of devotion, to a fifteen-year-old with more solved cases than friends seemed so eternal. Final.
But you can only watch your friends build up apps' worth of jilted lovers for so long before getting over it.
"You know what I learned?" Riz tells the drawer. "Love doesn't make anyone stay. Project management does."
He stands up, and picks up the tupperware of Dame Carabelle's casserole, that he helped make, that he helped share with a block's worth of neighbors and members of a community he's at home with, and goes sit at his desk to eat. "Last chance to get any," he drops an offer over his shoulder as he walks away.
He doesn't eat all of his share in one go. What he's spared he leaves on the desk when going outside for a smoke break. Baron looks the exact same as when he saw them last, when he catches a glimpse; they haven't grown at all. They aren't there when he comes back inside, but the leftover has gone days-old cold, like someone's sucked the future out of it.
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perfectlycleverduck · 1 year ago
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how can I have cuteness aggression for an almost 30 year old man😭
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