#and get the financial things in order
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This sucks…….
#almost ended it today#drive around for a long time looking for a spot#had to keep the steering wheel gripped so I wouldn’t run off the bridge#had to remind myself I don’t like fire#maybe soon#I can start the countdown again#and get the financial things in order#I think I want to be cremated#kind of odd though#coming back home and acting normal#acting as if I wasn’t about to be on the back of someone’s T shirt lol
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hello and good day to all my beloved mutuals in this site <333
tbh i truly hate to do this because i really feel ashamed to myself that i need to beg for some money since i've never do this before...but since the new semester starts in a few days for my uni and i truly i need for the money, so here's the thing.....
if some of you guys know that i had bought my first own laptop for my uni (yup considering that my prev laptop was my mum's old laptop and it literally not having a sufficient RAM enough for me as a computing student) which i was actually using all of my monthly allowance i saved since this july earlier (that was when my 2 months and half semester break started) until this october when i supposed to use for this month during the new semester.
and right now i really just have a little amount of money in my bank account which is barely enough for me to spend my whole month expensess (food, transport, course books etc etc)
so i truly appreciate all of you guys if you're willing to help me donate some money no matter how much amount either on my paypal or ko-fi account. i just only need at most $170 only to cover up monthly expensess for this month.
or maybe you can help me reblog this post if you not able to donate and it truly means everything to me 🙏🙏🙏
#istg i really don't like to do this rn 😭😭😭#because i always think if it's really neccesary for me to do this#instead that i also can do other things in order to get enough funds for my begining of my new semester#but i promise i'm doing this only for this time 🙏🙏#and i truly love you all sm if you willing to help me *sending mutual hugs and kisses 🥹🥹*#mutual aid#financial aid#signal boost
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moodboard for this past week ❤️
#they should invent a grad school thats not fucking insane#i'm hanging in there but im the most unwell i've been in AWhile#this week was just horrible#there was already the freezer food incident but it also started off with a very severe pain episode thats putting me in constant woe#even mundane motion has been agonizing which is McAwesome bc we had a lab inspection which involved moving hundreds of pounds of equipment#during which we found a blackwidow and rats which we had to deal with and was a whole thing psychologically on top of the physical toll#the new class fiasco is still popping off and i had to respond to at this point over 400 emails in the fleeting moments outside of lab#AND A STUDENT TRIED TO FINANCIALLY BRIBE THEIR WAY INTO THE CLASS ? ?? ?? ?????#then the instructor wanted to use me as a guinea pig and i had to test new circuit boards but I wasnt given any time to do so properly#i had to test them plus get them operational and deal with my incoming students all in a frantic 10 minute window#im in charge of running our meetings too but the instructor was interrupting and having side conversations that made it really hard-#to train the other people on the new equipment in a smooth manner#which meant that a bunch of people had to keep me after to ask questions which made me late for my drs appointment#where i found out i cant get the new covid vaccine bc my heart and blood levels arnt stable enough#and joanns lost an expensive+critical fabric order of mine+i had to give a big presentation this week on my research that was stressful#and my inbox is still blowing up from being needed all over the place between teaching lab and classes and yall i am. so so tired.#im in so much pain and so stressed out#debating the ethics of turning into a pile of lint to escape my responsibilities and mortal frame
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Hey quick question,
Where the hell are these????
#shining nikki#I'm getting really tired of them arbitrarily skipping things#like what purpose does it serve to skip a gleam a crafting and an old event style???#sure the pinnacle suit MAYBE because it's an event that doesn't run anymore#but you can still get it through memory booth when it runs#the other two there's literally no excuse#also why skip 2nd reruns?#oh SSRs AND URs#and bring us 3rd reruns????#way before we have any rerun of others#I'm not following why this is a good strategy#just pisses me off to be frank#there's just no reason to do things in a different order in this regard#it not like idea lab follows events#or even reruns to like get people to spend#cloud dancer already had its second rerun#so in what way does it benefit them financially to skip bunch of shit?
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I know everyone is struggling, but even Reblogs would help a lot and those are free.
Links:
Carrd: https://sheo.carrd.co
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/sheocheese
Soulhunters: https://ko-fi.com/s/0eed5f817b
Also Iremembered I have some adopts up for sale, if you're interested in that: https://toyhou.se/Sheo/characters/folder:4493098
#call for aid#artists on tumblrs#I hate to be asking for financial help#but I'm. Kinda panicking a little whenever I think about having to somehow pay rent+student loans AND buy food next month#but fingers crossed once I get the BAB thing settled and I finish the job training#I will never have to ask the internet for help again in order to survive
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Patreon question
I'm focusing hard on budgeting, and one of the things I want to do more of in the coming year is support independent creators/small groups on Patreon and Substack, even if I can only do a little bit at a time. I have a few creators I already support on Patreon, and two on Substack, but I'd love to support more.
I know you've got creators that you love to support on these platforms! Tell me who you support and why you started supporting them if you have creators that are especially unique or near and dear to you. Anything and everything, across the board, I love supporting small business and I love finding new people and niches I never heard about before. There're no wrong answers here!
#I support a few freelance artists and writers and a couple of content creators like Crash Course and Jo Beckwith#I want to hear anything and anyone you've cared enough about to donate to/support!#ALSO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. IF WE ARE MUTUALS OR FRIENDS AND YOU HAVE A KO FI OR A PATREON LET ME KNOW#THAT IS NOT A REQUEST THAT IS AN ORDER (unless you really truly don't want to. but if you just feel like it's too prideful or not a#'big enough' thing/deal or you don't want to 'bother me'. DO IT. I WANT TO HAVE YOU ON MY LIST TO SUPPORT IF I CAN#I often rotate small amounts of money to different creators every few months in a cycle so I can spread it around still even though#I can't help much. it feels so good to do and makes me feel like I do when I shop a true small or local business. direct action babyyy etc#especially if the creator is going through a health crisis like Physics Girl#2024#to do#reply here or send me a dm or drop an ask in my inbox or make a post and tag me#whatever#i want to hear why you love what you love#i want to hear what you care about so much you already do or want to in the future financially support it#the world is full of so much amazing work and inspiring creativity and massive efforts#i love learning about them so i get to acknowledge and witness and support them too#i love GitHub for the same reason lol
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i cannot express enough how damaging it is mentally and emotionally that i still live here 🤣
#purrs#the way everything is ALWAYS my fault! the way that my parents are gods who can never make any mistake or admit to wrongdoing and everything#they ever do is justified but then when i (a fully grown adult) also try to explain when i didn’t do anything wrong or when it’s not#actually my fault it doesn’t apply lol. the way i am asking for permission for things THEY SHOUKD BE ASKING ***ME*** for permission for LOL#the way i found out only recently (yeah.) that im still legally / financially a dependent 😍😍😍😍😍😍 awesome. lolololol. the way i can’t get out#of the quicksand until i get out of the quicksand but in order to get out of the quicksand i have to be able to get out of the quicksand 😻🙏🏻#delete later#btw i just finished my first homework assignment ive had to do in a year and 3 months and my first class is in 15 hours. what if i *** rn.#also it occurred to me the other day like. i have always thought of myself as selfish and imparient but also… these were things my parents#were telling me i was / treating me like i was as young as 3-4 years old as evidenced by the video tapes. and like. what if that’s not#actually how i was / am and everything i did and needed and do and need was valid and justified and what if all the bad things i believe(d)#about myself were / are because they told me that’s who i was and i was too little to know they were wrong. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
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love waking up to my mom giving me an ultimatum and ordering that i have to give up my (admittedly expensive) apartment 1n 2 weeks and move back home for good. i had stuff to do today but i guess being gripped by dread and anxiety works too
#i had been thinking about moving to a smaller one too. but now she's ordering me to do that#and expects me to move back home#when my university and all of my two friends are in the city.#and i have TWO WEEKS to live here if she wants me to move before summer because i have to go back home anyway in early may#for my summer job.#like sure i wouldve understood like a hey. my child. your financial situation is oretty tough so i have some suggestions that could help#but she was like okay here's whay you do: option a) [something i couldnt do before fall] b) find a cheaper apartment and live in two weeks#c) move home for good and commute over an hour any day you have university stuff to do and also essentially lose access to your#friends and all and any independence you have managed to cobble together so i can treat you like a child and yeall at you#the last part wasnt included but it's what she does anyways so i assume it's part of the deal#then i would have to commute or drive an hour any time i wanted to see either of my friends. after every summer im already#tired and desperate to come back to my apartment to get to be on my own. and now she's saying i have to never do that again#and here's the fuckin thing. her husband is planning on fixing my car. my mom pays my phone bill. i know what a loser i am whatever.#she actually owns my dogs and my childhood home. i cannot. piss her ofd too much. because then i'll lose all of those#phone. whatever i can get a new one. car. slightly more heartbrwakin but like i still own it. but the house?#my dogs?? i think i would rather die atm if im being honest#so what the fuck am i supposed to do. huh.#maybe i should just walk into the sea foe good i feel like that would just so neatly solve all of my problems
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*finger hovering over the block button* Give it time.
#vent sort of#for context I’m cutting off my mom but we have to get things in place#ie restraining order#and cutting me off as financial dependent#but omg#I’m almost free#I’m moving in with my fiancé soon#cross fingers#parental abuse tw#financial abuse#emotional abuse#emotional incest#mommy issues
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scholastic book fares at school were so crazy like here you go poor kids heres the perfect opportunity to feel alienated frm your peers if you havent already!
#like not only the whole. not being able to order stuff frm the catalogue but also being forced to spend time walking around the shopping#area and being unable to get anything while everyone is playing with the fancy erasures and shit#i feel like maybe once or twice i was able to get a couple things but also i internalized being poor at a young age and stopped asking my#parents for things bc i didnt want to be a financial burden lol which sucks bc there were times where we were more stable and i could have#asked for stuff but i already had a guilt complex so
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So like.... what if I had many ideas for cake decorating? And what if I just bought some stuff to make some cute cupcakes? And this cake idea I have had knocking around in my head? And what if I actually tried?
#sooooo here's the thing. I've tried to make stuff (not food) on my own before and sell it#I had an etsy... it didn't uh. go well.#and so. because of past. tanking flaming failures. I am apprehension to try anything ever again. ever.#and then I talked to a financial clown dick last year (mandatory) and he shut down baking real quick#and I think he thought I meant like. full blown bakery space. which like. no. no thanks.#I just wanna make stuff in my house and basically do like? cake commissions?#like hey heres the cakes/cupcakes/candies/etc I offer I have x amount of slots open for the month put orders in a week in advance!#and like. I've THOUGHT abt this. I have thought abt what I'd offer. seasonal menus. like. I've REALLY thought abt it.#and my tax preparer was like financial clown dick is a clown dick there is some money to be made baking#and like because I have extreme like FOCUS ON THIS THING NOW!!! WOOO!!! FULL SPEED AHEAD WITH THIS THING!!!#syndrome#all I've been able to think abt now is decorating cakes & cupcakes#I ordered some stuff. I HOPE HOPE HOPE it arrives in one piece pls god 🤞🤞🤞#gonna make some stuff and see how it turns out#I have a LOT of things I could make though not JUST cake/cupcakes#so idk I'd love to get paid to make desserts & candies. even if it was just like not a TON of profit but some extra cash#to pay bills. maybe have a lil fun money.#gahhhh I'm really in my head abt this and I'm also SO sleepy I'm like hysterical rn#anyway. venting abt it here cause I don't wanna jinx it speaking abt it irl (anxiety is so much fun 🙃)#erin explains it all
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In the way that doing hard things for the betterment of future you is Self Care, the inverse is also true... doing easy indulgent things too often can be Self Harm. Like not to sound like a puritan over here, but you SHOULD find ways to save money when you can, even if it means denying yourself a non-necessary treat sometimes. Or work to save those treats to be actual, rare treats. Constantly eating & spending your money on fatty, processed foods is not good for you or your future. Don't let the consumerism win lol
#this is targeted at me too lol#i spend sooooo much fucking money on non-necessary food#and it's not good for my body or my future financial goals. bc that's the world we live in#and even though i would love to constantly be able to do those things....... i dont have the means to#live within your means#anyway. im learning n growing and still a young adult but its something ive been trying to actually enforce with myself bc ive developed#some bad habits in college#treats are for when i am actually getting what i need to done. as rewards. OR when i am actually fr particularly suffering such as when I#was super sick#but they can also be like. the cheese i was craving all week.#that cheese doesnt need to be part of my grocery order it can be a treat for later#bc otherwise my treat for later would be another thing that costs $12 and repeat ad nauseum. its ok to save money lol
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i feel like i have rly strict boundaries w ppl eating my food but i feel like i shouldn't but i like . recovered from an ED and i hate having my food messed w / having less food than i thought but i feel like i shouldn't care/just get over it
#like imagine u rly care for smn but their house is kind of far so whenever u go there u stay for a few days#but they have nothing in their pantry to actually make a meal w except like. eggs and bread or smth#and they dont cook for u . but u cook for them all the time when they come over#and you are aware that due to this issue of like . never having food at their house they are often hungry#note : the food thing is less financial strain and more energy/they dont have the willpower to like. buy stuff to cook w ig ? but they also#dont order takeout so they just eat like. bread. and peanut butter. and eggs.#but anyway so ur like ok im gonna bring my own food this time so u do. they know abt ur ed thing. and u tell them youre hungry when#ur at their place so you brought this food for yourself. u are aware eggs and bread cut it for them and they feel full#but u are low on energy a lot bc ur not actually having a nutritionally balanced meal etc etc. anyway so as soon as u get ur food out they#start eating...ur food. and ur like . ok 😃 . like they dont rly ask they just grab a fork and they start eating#and ur like its fine theyre hungry they can have it . but u brought enough food for like a few days and now u have enough for like#1.5 days maybe. so u tell them..i feel like i miscommunicated but the food was...for me...sorry...but u feel HORRIBLE and guilty abt it#and then theyre like ok . and then they keep having ur food#and ur like#ok#:D anyway u made an extra bowl of the food and froze it for urself for when u get back home#bc u suspect u wouldnt have energy to cook . but u end up inviting them and they come along. and on the way#ur like i understand u were hungry but i made the food for myself so next time ig i can make 2 ppls worth of food so i wont have to like#worry abt skipping meals n stuff so much when im over at ur place . and theyre like. ok#and then u get homr. and then#they ask for that last bowl of the same food that u made for uself . and ur like 🫠 okkkk#obviously u give it to them but its like . oh my goddd pls just let me eat my own food i am HUNGRY TOO#and i made it for myself !!!!#but i dont want to be selfish and i rly rly dont want anyone to be hungry bc ik what it feels like and i hate HATE seeing ppl i love be#hungry but it feels like over this week theyve crossed this boundary like 3 times but its like#what if i fuck stuff up by telling them. theyre literally at ur place too w lots of ingredients u could have just made smth for them but#they chose that specific meal u made for urself for after u got back which is the same meal u made like 4 bowls of for when u were at their#place and its like . AUGHHSHDHDH
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life really just loves to drop kick me down the stairs sometimes
#personal#have been trying to do this to get my life more in order#like getting my medical testing and records#and applying for financial assistance to get out of the red#and every single thing has just not worked or gone wrong#i found out in order to apply for financial assistance for bills i have to have proof of food stamps to fast track it#easy right? no. i forgot i changed my name through the benefits system to my chosen name#my chosen name that does not match my legal name#my legal name that is attached to the accounts i'm applying to financial assistance to#and in order to change your name you have to call#which i tried and got transferred and put on hold so long they closed#so then i decided to order grubhub instead of going out to eat cause its raining and im now emotionally exhausted#just to have grubhub “refuse” my card#except when i called my cardholder number it listed SIX CHARGES OF THE ORDER#the order that is not on grubhub or on the restaurant (we called both)#and the second they went on their system to try and figure out why the charges were there#(which they were only on my cardholder not on my bank account)#the cardholders entire system went down#and now im just waiting for it to go back up to call back#but i did have an actual panic attack because if i can't get that figured out immediately thats legit over $200 worth of charges#and now i'm literally so fucking hungry cause any energy/fuel i had left went into my panic attack#oh! also forgot to mention that i was finally able to pick up a copy of my medical records from my childhood doc!#which i've been trying to get for like 2 months and shit just kept getting in the way (transportation/money for the records/limited hours)#got the thumb drive home#booted it up to the encrypted password page aaaaaand#the password doesn't fucking work#so now i have to get back to their office to figure out what the actual password is#i literally am so done with today i just want to phase out of existence forever please
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Life is about being weird together
#when I was younger I was a weird kid simply because I was ever interested in what my peers were into to#I mean I still am like that tbh#but now I can say shit like: do you want to learn about a financial scandal#and my best friend will be excited about it#its very hard to articulate but that closeness and ability to be truly myself is a rare thing to find#it’s not like my behavior is weird to me or my friends but people think we are weird because we are just different#I mean I am weird I talk to myself a lot and get really attached to inflections of words and repetition of sounds for one thing#like the former speaker of the House of Commons going: ORDER#anyway the whole point in life is to find people to be yourself with#not being able to fit in is fine as long as there are people who will welcome me and love me
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i go on instagram for two (2) seconds. i am instantly given gender dysphoria. happy pride
#'hey lets give you this advertisement for trans friendly swimsuits + tank tops + shorts! the shit u have now isnt doing enough!#buy our stuff for 70$ per blank boring tanktop!'#dont. get me wrong. i love trans owned stores i love small businesses i love..the fact that these are things that exist#unfortunately i am poor and living in the closet again and. hmmmnhg#it juet reminds me that. hey im not fucking doing enough and i will never pass and in order to do so i need to either#a) out myself to people wjo i cannot gauge the reaction from or b) be rich#both of which are. not options for me rn! god dann#head in hands. its fine. its fine#i havent passed fornthe last. 8 years im noy gonna magically start now. i can deal witht his. it just!!! sucks!!!#anyway its pride month i believe all trans people are entitled to 1 million dollars in financial compensation
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