#and he is just so confused like “wtf are taxes?”

[isa-belle1367]

More desmond headcanons bc my blorb is scurrying around my head and won't leave.

Desmond develops chronic migraines from the animus like the really bad kind. The ones where you pass out and wake up in Pain™️

Desmond is weirdly good at singing, but he never tells anyone, and most of the time, when he sings around others, he does it ironically, so one day he is just humming a song and everyone is like "WTF YOU CAN SING?"

Des starts picking up odd habits from his ancestors, such as refusing to step into a room with his left foot (edward) or running his tongue along his scar.

He 100% blames himself for not getting clay out of the animus

Is creepily flexible, like to a concerning degree.

He strikes me as a language nerd he def has duolingo, and even before the animus, he knew like 15 different languages

He climbs walls (yes, I was a wall climber as a kid, yes I am projecting rn)

ADHD DESMOND

He once got a 70 year old bottle of whiskey from a "friend" from the bar, and he absolutely shows it off every chance he gets.

He has connections to gangs and has gone on bike rides with them.

He can't do basic math to save his life if someone puts a multiplication problem in front of him, he short circuits.

He starts getting really bad nose bleeds from the animus, scares the crap out of everyone.

Definitely knows how to flirt like FLIRT can turn the straightest of men gay for a night if need be. It just gets worse after going through ezios' memories.

Has a list of really weird talents but can't do basic tasks like, yeah, you can dislocate your shoulder and pop it back into place, but can you cook eggs without burning them🤨

Terrible at cooking (95% sure his food is banned under the Geneva Conventions)

Can't walk in a straight line he is the friend who bumps into 1000 times a minute while walking down the side walk.

He is weirdly silent, like even before the animus thing, he is always weirdly quiet like silent footsteps can't hear his breathing etc. He dosent mean to it just happens

The only training that really stuck from the farm was the stealth training it was also his favorite subject to work on he probably hated hand to hand combat.

He has never filed taxes a day in his life, but the IRS could never track him down. He honestly doesn't even know he supposed to be paying them. The IRS has a meltdown over this.

Ok, I think this was enough to satisfy the itch in my brain. I'm gonna go to bed, know I might post a one-shot about the IRS one tomorrow. Idk

[gurggggleburgle]

i feel like neither mobei-jun nor Shang Qinghua showed up to their wedding dressed appropriately but for like two completely different reasons.

Mobei-Jun is the kinda guy to show up to his own wedding in the wrong outfit but not because of a lack of effort in the wedding planning. I feel he's more likely to have put effort into the wedding than Shang Qinghua on the principle that I personally think he's the more romantic one between these two screaming wet cats of a couple. I think man would get dressed for the day realize he has to get changed again and be all 'ugh but my shoes are comfortable now and my cape fits snug. It's fine I'm royalty they can't and won't complain'

Meanwhile Shang Qinghua did forget and is panicking. Man is like fuck I'm getting married now????? He can't remember where he put the robes and is amazed he can't find it. He's all 'it's fucking red. How hard is it to spot red. I'm colorblind right now goddammit!!!' It has yet to occur to him it's not in his room. He's going to completely miss the servants coming to get him dressed up. He's just running to the alter in his nicer than normal clothing and he forgot to wash his hair so it greasy.

But also... I in reality I don't think these idiots had a wedding at all. I think that they planned one and just mutually didn't want to put in the effort. Airplane didn't want the days off because paperwork and Mobei-Jun didn't want to be social. They courthouse married on a random thursday afternoon before lunch and didn't even sign the documents. I feel like society assumes they had a wedding. Like everyone is all 'I swore these two got married. I mean look at them' but no wedding technically occurred. They just say they're husbands and nobody has checked because Shang Qinghua is the demon world irs so it's not causing tax fraud. So one day Cucumber Bro gets a letter in the mail inviting him to a wedding and he's just so confused and he gets there and is like 'wtf'

And Qinghua with a shrimp hanging out his mouth eating from the buffet table is like 'I forgor'

[demoiselettes]

Hello there Nanako Dear! may i request kyojuro, giyuu and tanjiro with demon darling thhat instead of eating humans like a normal demon they eat... STRAWBERRIES ( yes strawberries )

It's my first time requesting in your acc!

Hope it isnt to much

( the idea is similar to something i have read! )

- ✨ anon

#HAVEYOUNOTICEDILOVESUNSHINEBOYAKATANJIRO

Strawberries

Pairing(s): Kyojuro x reader, Tanjiro x reader, Giyuu x reader

Category: fluff, crack

Warning(s): gn! Reader

Kyojuro Rengoku

•Throughout his years as a Demon Slayer, he’s seen many things.

•He’s watched people die left and right, seen demons devouring dead corpses of what had once been happy humans

•And as a Demon Slayer, his job was to kill them

•It was already very taxing of him to allow Nezuko to live and to believe that she wouldn’t eat humans..but a demon that eats strawberries?

•Muzan is getting creative, he thinks as he watches you stare up at him from the little strawberry bushes that spring up in the fields.

•You do nothing as you look at him. You don’t even try to attack him. And this just makes him feel bad in trying to kill you

•So, without sheathing back his sword, he crouches down in front of you and proceeds to have a staring contest with you.

•Nah he really just stares at you owlishly before be goes ‘HELLO THERE WHY ARE YOU NOT EATING HUMANS’

•You’ll then just look up at him like wtf and question your his sanity.

•Like: why is there a person with fire for hair yelling at me to eat humans.

•You just sort off ignore him and pop another strawberry in your mouth and he almost drops dead on the spot because did a demon just ignore him????

•He’ll probably keep pestering you with questions and seeing you refuse to attack him even after he threatens you’ll be what gets him to bring you back to the corps for a trial to become the potential nezuko 2.0

•And you do except that you don’t sleep to energize, you eat strawberries like a baddie

•Safe to say, his estate is always packed with those, and he’s taken to planting them in his courtyard

•The kakushis hate it. senjuro loves it

•Him and Mitsuri(who’s immediately taken a liking to you) often try to come up with recipes so that you aren’t only eating mundane strawberries

•He likes to bring you to the market too, to buy strawberries(take a shot everytime i type strawberries) and though he’s quite oblivious to the weird stares he gets from lugging around someone with a bamboo muzzle on

•He’s probably given you a strawberry pattern kimono/haori

•He tries to get you to eat daifukus which contain strawberries on the inside but you don’t seem to like those as much as the actual thing :(

•So he’ll just settle to watching this cute lil’ demon devours tons of strawberries in utter admiration

•Shinjuro, at this point, is so tired of hearing Kyojuro and you go ‘UMAI’ and ‘HM-HMPH’ while eating sweet potatoes and strawberries respectively

Tanjiro Kamado

•Yay! Nezuko has a friend!

•This dude will cry if a demon has a sad backstory, and like he once told Sanemi, it’s important to be able to differentiate a good demo from a bad demon.

•So if he sees you, a demon without the smell of blood and rotting flesh on you, he’s not going to kill you.

•He will be wary, but he’ll settle for questioning you.

•Even if you aren’t able to communicate properly, he’ll still make up his mind and kindly ask you to follow him to headquarters.

•He’s going to be so considerate too, asking you if you’re alright with walking the way back, if you’re tired or if you want to shrink so he can carry you like a child. Sobs.

•But then, while walking, you suddenly run off in a different direction and Tanjiro finds himself chasing after you, afraid that you’re about to eat a human

•But you’re not eating human flesh. You’re eating strawberries. Why’re you eating strawberries?

•Tanjiro is so confused he’s practically just frozen, watching you stuff the sweet things into your mouth

•He’s always thought demons were incapable of eating human food, but here you are

•So he gently kneels down to your height and pats your head, asking you if you like strawberries in a voice that’s almost whispery

•With your assent, something clicks in his mind. Nezuko sleeps to regain energy. Maybe you eat strawberries instead of humans. That’d explain why you don’t smell of blood. And why you smell of strawberries

•So after your trial and receiving the approval of the very confused and intrigued Master, Tanjiro asks for Shinobu’s consent that you remain at the Butterfly Estate because he can’t carry another demon with him, Nezuko being his top priority in spite of everything

•He visits you as often as possible, and always lets Nezuko out of her box to play with you

•Whenever he’s back, he brings as many strawberries as possible with him and Aoi has taken such a secretive liking to you that she’s taken to planting them in the garden

•Tanjiro knows you’re in good hands and he trusts you fully to not eat anyone, but he still makes you wear a muzzle in case things take a wrong turn

•He often asks Inosuke where he can find the sweetest strawberries for you and the boar man is more than happy to show off his extensive knowledge which he gained from being raised by boars.

Giyuu Tomioka

•I’d be so shocked if he didn’t outright kill you.

•Just because he’s spared one demon girl doesn’t mean he’s fond of it

•But since when do demons eat strawberries? He questions, watching you happily chew the red berries.

•You haven’t even noticed him yet, too content with the delicacy you’re feasting on

•He’ll simply assume that you’re trying to trick him and he will try to fight you

•Then he realizes you’re not attacking him outwardly, but rather taking to the defensive while trying to protect yourself

•This’ll raise further questions in his mind and he’ll finally interrogate you with the point of his sword merely seconds away from piercing into your throat

•Whether you can talk or not, he’ll be able to tell something’s different about you. Which’ll cause him to hesitate on his next move: kill or nah?

•He ultimately decides to give you a chance even though he’s certain he’s gonna regret it

•So, he takes you back to corps with his sword still at your neck. what a gentleman

•He’s gonna feel extremely self-conscious with explaining your predicament and he’ll most likely receive tons of insults from some of his fellow hashiras one of which has white hair and lots of scars

•But eventually, if you’re docile enough, the Master might ask you to be put on trial + under observation to test whether or not you’re dangerous

•What they find is certainly unexpected: you eat strawberries. to gain energy

•And now the hashiras are going rampant and questioning reality while Kagaya’s just chilling in the middle of it all

•They eventually very reluctantly learn to let it sink, and Giyuu takes full responsibility of you

•So spoiler alert: he doesn’t find himself regretting his decision to let you live

•You reside in the estate alongside him and are..surprisingly docile? Like you never attack, go ballistic???

•You just wanna. eat strawberries???

•He makes sure you have an abundant supply of those

•I don’t see him as the kind to have them planted, so he’ll most likely go buy them at the market

•Y’all should see the look on the merchants’ faces when he arrives to buy almost all of their stock. and he’s doing it with the most unassuming, unamused face ever

•He finds himself growing fond of you. The kakushis often find him sitting on his engawa and just watching you eat your strawberries. Neither of you speak, it’s just comfortable silence punctuated by your munching

•He’s very reluctant to bring you on missions and therefore prefers to leave you at home, but you are never far from his mind

•And everytime he sees strawberries, he feels inclined to buy them, you’ve basically just- made them your symbol

[ambelle]

WHY do I have to explain these things?

People have to understand that Trump = the end of Democracy. A third party candidate has no chance of winning. It's Trump or Kamala. You really want to change the two-party system? I don't believe you. Here's an explanation as to why I don't believe you along with a lesson on how our government actually works.

People always wait until the election year to TALK about a glorious revolution but this energy is nonexistent before and after the election. It's performative showboating. Protest voters have no plan for a revolution because they don't actually want one. They talk shit on twitter for a few months then November comes along and they move on with their lives suddenly no longer pumped up to ~Dismantle the System~. Right back at work paying taxes that fund wars they don't agree with like the rest of us robots they are so much smarter than.

If Jill is serious why isn't she and her followers even attempting to start small? Run for mayor or governor or something...anything to grow your platform. Instead, it's crickets from these people right until the election comes up and they want "campaign funding" then they vanish into thin air for 3 years. Why can't she win even on a local level is it because she's not even trying? She is an agent of chaos who accepts money from shady rich people with ties to Israel just like everyone else + thinks genociding Ukraine is fine. Are we picking and choosing which genocides are okay or is the idea itself morally corrupt? I can't keep up. Should the Ukraine babies be blown up?

Real change isn't just putting a third party candidate in office. If you truly want to dismantle the way things work you have to know how the government works. You really want third parties to have a chance? Cool then you need to be having conversations about getting rid of the Electoral College. I don't ever see third-party supporters doing that. Instead they say "well if we split the vote then next time they'll take 3rd party more serious." Next time? You mean the time after the Dictatorship? This shit is so unserious. WTF were y'all doing the past 3.5 years instead of talking about the Electoral College issue?

You want the President ( or in Kamala's case Vice President) to have more power than they actually do? Cool then you have to get rid of Congress. That's how it'll be 100% up to the president whether or not we fund Israel. Because as of now CONGRESS decides that. Meaning not even President Jesus would be able to stop the aid to Israel. When a bill has passed both the House of Representatives and the Senate, it is sent to the President for review. The President has 10 days to sign the bill into law or veto it but guess what happens when he vetos...it goes right back to them and they vote to make it law. What plan do 3rd party voters have to get rid of Congress and checks and balances? How would their presidency play out any differently if the system itself is exactly the same???

If you do happen to like Democracy and checks in balances then guess what you have to do. Vote...that's right LMAO vote for the state reps who will be in Congress. Vote in all elections so you have more control over ALL three branches. The problem isn't voting for the President. The problem is forgetting to vote for the other elections and then being confused why the president can't get anything done. Congress passed the bill and Biden signed it. That's what happened.

Mind you historically black people were killed fighting for the right to vote. White supremacists were passing Jim Crow laws and doing the absolute most to suppress the black vote. If it doesn't matter then why do that? Why is Georgia secretly unregistering people who signed up on their websites as Democrats?

Voting IS power.

Below are visuals of the bill Congress passed, a breakdown of their vote (and if you look you can see by name to know for the next elections who needs to go), and a REMINDER that the Vice President has nothing to fucking do with this process whatsoever.

[sleepysnk]

ok, so, he’s the long ass rant i have about my stupid fucking lame asshole ass job.

for context, i’ve been working there since February of last year. i also took a gap year from college to just focus on me and getting better with myself because my last school year was so mentally draining.

all these issues started when the new school year began (fall 2022). i had been promised by my boss at the time for more hours, and possibly a lead position. this meant i’d get paid more and have more hours. it was something i was looking for because i didn’t want to just sit around the entire semester doing nothing, so i gave them my availability and that was it.

SO THEN, at one of our meetings, i saw that they had only scheduled me two days a week.

two. days.

so my boss told me that if any spots opened up she’d message me about it, and it kind of annoyed me because ?? i asked for MORE hours not less. it was super irritating too because i only get paid $13.00 an hour and i was barely working 2-3 hours a day. when you take out taxes and other shit, that’s NOT a lot of money. i was only bringing home a good $114-$115 every two weeks. it wasn’t exactly worth it to me, but i continued to work in case of that chance someone quit.

SO THIS IS WHERE SHIT MADE ME SO MAD.

i work within a school district and the school went on winter break. they asked us for our availability for the next semester and i submitted a form. then, tell me why, i get the new schedule and IM NOT ON IT. I WAS VERY CONFUSED SO I MESSAGED MY BOSS AND SHE NEVER ANSWERED ME.

then, a day later, i got an email where she basically was saying to redo the form and that was it. i was kind of annoyed because ?? i submitted a form.. so why am i not on the schedule and why couldn’t you answer me?

THIS IS WHEN I GOT SO PISSED AND THIS HAPPENED TODAY.

so, i opened up my emails when i woke up and saw a new schedule. i opened it and i was so fucking irritated to see that i was only scheduled for ONE. DAY.

i was BEYOND infuriated because wtf???? i asked for more hours and you seriously just cut it?? absolutely not. i ended up telling my mom and she was also mad too because she said they were being unfair with me and that i should try and say something. i got so fed up that i basically sent a fucking email to my boss saying that i quit because this job wasn’t benefiting me anymore. LIKE HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SCHEDULE SOMEONE FOR ONE DAY A WEEK???? THATS NOT COOL AT ALL??? i was so irritated and it pissed me off even more when i saw there were people on there working either everyday or 3-4 days a week. LIKE WHAT??? GIRL FUCK YOU.

anyway, moral of the story, get a job that actually respects your availability and TRIES to make an effort at making it work.

[livingdeadvoid]

I posted 63 times in 2022

That's 63 more posts than 2021!

52 posts created (83%)

11 posts reblogged (17%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@vinelark

@arguablysomaya

@batposts

@potfrownies

@gotham-exclusive

I tagged 43 of my posts in 2022

Only 32% of my posts had no tags

#dc comics - 20 posts

#hes gay your honor - 13 posts

#batfamily - 13 posts

#dc robin - 12 posts

#tim drake - 12 posts

#bisexual - 11 posts

#batkids - 11 posts

#jason todd - 11 posts

#bi jason todd - 11 posts

#bi tim drake - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 43 characters

#conner wants to ask everyone for permission

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

why tf are they so cute?? like wtf they're my comfort ship and they shouldn't be I love them so much thank you dc ❤️❤️

149 notes - Posted November 19, 2022

#4

Conner didn't know what he was doing. Why was he here, standing outside of Jason Todd's apartment? What compelled him to do this? Why was there a ring in his back pocket? Why was he knocking on the door?

Roy opened it after a few seconds. "Conner Kent? This is uh, random."

Conner shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, sorry. Is Jason here?"

He nodded. "Yeah, he is. You wanna come in? He's kinda in the middle of something."

"I would appreciate that. Thank you."

Roy opened the door, allowing for Conner to come in. "Welcome to our little apartment. Sorry for the mess."

"Who was at the door?" Jason called from the living room.

Roy chuckled. "Uhm, Superboy. He wants to talk to you Jaybird." He looked over at the living room.

Conner did the same. He watched Jason set down the hairbrush he had in his hand, standing up from his spot on the floor. "How's your daughter been?"

"Good. Jay was doing her hair. Lian loved it when he braids it. She's been doing really well in school, she's the best in math-" Roy stopped himself. He was getting carried away talking about his daughter. A common occurrence whenever anyone asks about her.

Jason walked into the kitchen with a sigh. "Clone boy. Pleasure to see you. Why are you here?" He lent against the counter, an annoyed look at his face.

Conner looked at him nervously before setting a small box. He set it down in front of him. "I wanna propose to your brother."

He looked down at the box then back up at Conner a few times. "Wait... What? You're gonna... Propose to Timothy?"

The son of Superman nodded. "Look at it. I think he'll like it."

He took the box, opening it up. A small gold ring with pearls along it, a small diamond topping it all off was revealed. "Gold. The replacement loves gold."

"I know. I think he'll like it. I just don't know if it's the right time." He nodded slowly.

Jason glared at him. "Don't say that." Conner looked at him confused.

"Don't say what? I think he will like it." He grabbed the box from Jason, turning it over in his hand.

"Don't say it's not the right time," Jason looked back at Roy. He smiled at the scene of him playing with Lian. "In our fields, you never know when you'll kick it." He looked back at Conner, a serious expression over his face. "So if you don't take this chance now, you may never get the chance again."

Conner looked back down at the box. "You're right," he looked up at Jason. "I have to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Can I marry him?"

Jason's eyes went wide. "Wait, are you like asking my permission?"

He nodded. "I was gonna ask all of you. Decided to come to you first."

"Oh." Was all Jason said.

"So may I?"

He stared at Conner for a minute, almost like he was considering it. "Of course. The replacement deserves to be happy."

152 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

#3

I love the idea that Roy and Jason got married for like tax reasons and because married couples can't testify against each other. But I also love the idea that Roy proposed with a ring pop.

Roy, on one knee with a blue raspberry ring pop: Jaybird, I know we aren't dating. But will you make me the happiest potential criminal in the world, and be my husband? Will you marry me?

Jason, very confused and very annoyed: What- Uh sure?

Roy, getting teary eyed: Oh I love you Jaybird!

177 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#2

Bruce: All my kids turned out gay, I don't understand it.

Dick:

Jason:

Tim:

Damian:

Clark, who was staying over there for the ninth night in a row: Yeah, I honestly have no clue.

180 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Conner: You know I'm half kryptonian, right?

Tim, wrapping up with bleeding arm: Yes, I'm aware.

Conner, annoyed: Then why the fuck do you insist on jumping in front of me?

Tim: People were shooting at you.

Conner:

Tim:

Tim, realizing his mistake: PEOPLE WERE SHOOTING AT YOU!

346 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[baiboop]

i definitely think adam popped out of the cage fluent in enochian.

after michael and adam got close/after hundreds of years of boredom, i think adam would insist on learning enochian because michaels been communicating in adams native tongue this whole time and it’s only fair, of course, that adam talks to micheal in his native tongue. michael is flattered and a little shy that adam is so adamant (pun def intended ADAMant lol) to learn something just for him.

it’s also the first time michael would have to teach enochian to anyone. he didn’t teach the angels much, he just lead them: directing them and strategizing. however he wasn’t too worried, the confidence on micheal is well it’s bordering an ego, especially around angelic territory, yknow stuff he really knows.

he also found it curious that a human was even interested in something like this, especially something so taxing. humans learn… slowly.. but other than that michael was excited he hasn’t spoken to anyone (other than lucifer, which doesn’t count) in enochian in years.

they get topside rapture happens blah blah blah, this is post finale assuming they were both revived along with cas.

anyway- they’re staying at the bunker for a little until adam feels ready to get his own job, which is a slow process because adjusting to such an intense society after 1000 years of isolation was a little more difficult than adam had been picturing in the cage.

they’re out in the kitchen one morning, adams leaning on the wall impatiently waiting for dean to finish the eggs, which adam won’t thank him for when he gets, and cas walks in to talk to dean about anything and everything.

cas tells an enochian joke to dean (but in english so dean understands) and dean is like “…uh okay?”

adam busts out laughing which catches the dean and cas’ attention and he’s like “hey i know that one, it’s funnier in enochian though.” and proceeds to tell it back to cas in enochian.

cas is so happy someone finally understands his jokes because unfortunately dean just doesn’t appreciate them the way cas wishes he would.

so cas is smiling and michael is chuckling a little because of adam saying it in enochian and startling everyone. adams laughing because he’s proud of himself because of deans confused face.

so the three of them are giggling and dean is just standing there letting the eggs burn, like wtf is going on? sam walks in because he smells burning, and he’s greeted with the scene. he glances at dean for an explanation in response he just shrugs and mouths “angel stuff.” sam furrows his brows and turns around and just walks out.

[devildomwriter]

Obey Me As Tumblr #4

Satan: So I MEANT to say “oh crap, I left my phone in my car” but what I ALMOST said was “oh no, I left my cone in my phar,” and damn wouldn’t that have been embarrassing, but I caught myself, and what I ACTUALLY said was

“Ah, my fart cone.”

So anyway

•

Simeon: Today these two boys in my math class were hitting each other with pencils and my teacher said “could you try to be a little more mature?”

One of them screamed “TAXES” and punched the other kid in the face

•

Leviathan: Sex is so weird it’s literally just putting your penis inside someone else’s penis. Like what the fuck

Asmodeus: I don’t think that’s how it works

Leviathan: Yes it is. I’ve had so much sex. A lot. Like 100 sex.

•

Mammon: What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe

Mammon: Mitosis

Leviathan: I want to die

•

Mammon: How long does someone have to be dead before it’s considered archeology instead of grave robbing

Solomon: An an archeologist I find this a veRY AWKWARD QUESTION

Mammon: Answer the question grave robber

•

Satan: Ah yes, the Trojan horse. Or as I like to call it murderous piñata

•

Asmodeus: Years ago I watched this porn and the girl was screaming ‘oh god, oh god!!!’ And this dude was like ‘there are no gods here’ and to this day it haunts me wtf was he talking about

•

Mammon: At my funeral there is going to be a closed casket and then it will be opened to reveal I am not inside. Instead they will turn on the ceiling fan and my lifeless body will swing around the room while the space jam theme song is playing in the back ground

Mammon: Never mind my brother says I can’t do that

•

MC: I just had the best encounter with a child at Kmart. I was in the aisle shopping and this boy and his dad come around the corner. The little blonde boy sees me and excitedly exclaims “there’s a human here!!” To which his father replied, “Yes, there’s humans everywhere.”

Mammon: Bro you do realize you just met aliens

Solomon: Not unusual for Kmart

•

Mammon: I was looking at grapes in the store and this old lady comes up to me and goes “you’re not stealing those are you?” So I’m like no lol? and she goes “oh, well I am.” And grabbed a handful of grapes and left

Leviathan: GKSKVKSM

•

Diavolo: “What time is it?” You ask, I pull out my 2.7 metric ton granite sundial and immediately crush both of your feet, I loudly announce “it is cloudy.”

•

Solomon: This is the dumbest thing to nitpick, but the phrase “real UFO” bothers me any UFO is a real UFO as long as it’s unidentified and flying because that’s what those words mean whether or not it’s an alien is a different matter. It could be a pancake someone threw real hard as long as you don’t know that’s what it is it’s a UFO

Satan: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Anything is a UFO if you’re bad enough at identified stuff

•

MC: People with uteri are never gonna have a perfectly flat stomach. They’re always gonna have a little pouch, because that’s where we keep our bees.

Thirteen: Once a month the moon angers the bees.

•

Lucifer: Gave my students a pop quiz today and learned something new: if you make all the answers C, you will see 35 of the most hilariously panicked and confused faces in the world.

Raphael: Are you Satan?

•

Leviathan: Was it really necessary for me to be born?

Simeon: Possibly not, but double chocolate chip cookies aren’t necessarily either but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without them

Leviathan: That is the most uplifting thing I’ve read all day

•

Belphegor: What if your phobias are based off how you died in a past life

Mammon: Why is this not getting around faster

Beelzebub: DUDE

•

Leviathan: It’s 2021 why can’t I delete friends in real life?

Leviathan: Ok so it turns out what I was thinking of it called murder

•

Satan: Next time a conspiracy theorist tries to tell you ‘what really happened’, present a more outlandish theory and accuse them of covering up the truth

Conspiracy theorist: “The moon landing was faked!”

Me: “Pfft, you believe in the moon?”

•

MC: Boys are so lucky they get boners to tell them that they’re horny because girls are just like am I horny or am I hungry or am I bored I don’t know I don’t have a dick

Mammon: That’s definitely an interesting take. But sometimes we get boners for no reason and it’s something like “What is it boy? Did you see something?”

•

Solomon: I just attended the best Passion of the Christ play. As they were “nailing” Jesus to the cross the entire thing broke. No one knew what to do and it got quiet. Finally one of the guards on stage said “you get out of it this time Jesus”

Mammon: Omfg

Leviathan: I CAN’T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING NOBODY LOOK AT ME

Satan: #IT’S BACK

Last • Next

[in-tua-deep]

Ok I totally want to hear more about this survivors au/Delores is real! How do the siblings handle having this different version of Five? Five may be better adjusted but he still has to heard his family around like a bunch of stray cats. What happens when Hazel and Cha Cha show up? How do they find out that Vanya causes the apocalypse and how does Five handle that revelation?!

here is the thing, i think the survivors au has the potential to be HILARIOUS

no one knows how to handle a well-adjusted five, and this absolutely includes the commission

So you mentioned Hazel and Cha-Cha?? Five in this au was not nearly as absolutely feral as he is in the show bc he knows how to interact with people - he was raised by a competent adult and a weird best friend and they occasionally saw other survivors as well

please picture old Five hanging around the water cooler and chatting with Hazel

the other funny thing is that Five is competent passing - he is well adjusted emotionally but functionally?? Hazel is out there complaining about dental being cut and office parties and budgets and Five is there sipping his drink having never filed taxes in his life. Five doesn't know what the fuck a dental plan is, he was a child soldier and then lived in an apocalypse.

So please picture for me Hazel being like "okay I know corporate wants us to keep what we're being paid to ourselves but fuck that, workers unite, what do you get paid as a legend old timer?"

and five is like "you're getting paid? i get to not get tossed back into the apocalypse, I think"

"but what about expense forms? what about medical care?"

"I'm like 80% sure i'm being experimented on, actually." Five says nonchalantly, "Don't get me wrong, my idea of medical care is fucked by being a child soldier but I'm pretty sure regular people don't have electrodes attached to their heads every time they get a checkup. Could be wrong though! My ex-dad used to monitor my brainwaves while I slept so like, my idea of appropriate shit is fucked, you know?"

This is a Five who was raised by Rick, he is polite to his coworkers. If Dot asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, Five would have gone and grabbed lunch with her or politely said that he couldn't.

Cha Cha only ever talks to Five when she wants to talk shop, so they've had a couple of conversations about weapons but not much else tbh, Hazel just tends to be more personable

So when they're sent after Five, Hazel is much more hesitant to kill who he perceives as a "work friend" and also is definitely thinking about all the times Five casually revealed a way the commission was being highkey shady about him, such as the potential experimentation, no pay, working under duress etc. He's much more easily turned against the commission because he's even more primed to say "fuck the commission" than he is in canon

Hazel out here like "how did Five break his contract when Five wasn't even being paid? I kind of want to read it."

Hazel out here like "I would unionize if I didn't think the commission was anti-union enough to send literal assassins after me if I suggested it :/"

meanwhile with the siblings

Five just. talks over them a lot and makes so much sense that it's actually really hard to argue with him, and he's weirdly considerate of his family's obligations

Like Diego is like "i have to go see Patch" then Five is like "that's great I'm proud of you buddy, it would actually be really handy to have some law enforcement read into the situation if you think she's up to the task. that goes for everyone by the way! If y'all have people you trust, more bodies would be super helpful I think"

the entire family, collectively, who have like zero trusted social links: uhhhhhhhh

Diego, with this weird permission, probably?? Does? Awkwardly attempt to read Patch into the situation? Patch is, obviously, like "what the fuck, Diego" but probably goes with him to the mansion (????????) because she's concerned and then meets his fucking whacko family with their superpowers and suddenly everything is 100% more realistic

Five is just like "yes hello I'm aware I look like a child, i'm actually in my late 50s or early 60s (apocalypse time amiright) because of time travel stuff. Yes I am Five Hargreeves who went missing in like 2002 or whatever. anyway it's lovely to meet you, i'm so glad diego has someone he trusts, and considering my sibling's shifty looks when i told them to invite anyone they trusted this genuinely makes me concerned that Diego is the most socially well-adjusted of them."

"That cannot be possible." Patch says, like someone who has met Diego Hargreeves.

"You haven't met the rest." Five says sympathetically, "In our defense we were raised in isolation as child soldiers."

"That... explains so much." Is all Patch can say to that, "But you seem..."

"I'm adopted." Five waves away.

"We're ALL adopted." Diego grits out, very aggrieved by this and also not sure if he likes the fact that Patch seems friendly with Five, or at least is listening to him?

"I'm double adopted."

However! With the recruitment of Patch, herding Diego becomes like 90% easier.

Honestly the worst to herd are probably Luther and Allison? Luther because he's Number One and resents Five taking charge and also resents Five's casual dismissal of Reginald and also suspects that Five (or at least the commission) has something to do with Reginald's death?

Allison because she is torn between following Luther and helping him and helping Five but also calling Patrick and Claire at every possible moment while ALSO trying to repair her relationship with Vanya. She's flighty - she'd bail on a Five-apocalypse-assignment if Vanya mentioned being hungry or if Luther called or anything like that

Vanya likes to be included and, if asked, would probably drop as many current obligations as she can. Like she would probably cancel her teaching if Five genuinely and sincerely asked her for her help, which he does because he's 100% sure Dolores would manifest in front of him and smack him if he dared even imply someone without powers wouldn't be helpful

Vanya is like "I'm not sure if i'll be helpful - I don't have powers ):" and Patch is like "wtf are you talking about - my superpowers are Gun, Backup, and Reading Comprehension and i am like the most useful member of this team right now"

Vanya gets a confidence boost just from hanging out with Patch honestly, I think they should be friends

Klaus is thrilled to be included are you kidding?? He says he does it for money but he's just happy to be there and also as one of the most emotionally intelligent siblings he is mildly concerned about the fact that Five looks like he's about to cry and also emotes

Five also gives Klaus positive reinforcement, hugs, and Five absolutely weaponizes the I'm not mad, but I believe that you can do better and I'm going to give you more chances because I love you and fully believe that next time you'll be amazing way that Rick used on him.

I feel like Five ends up saying something along the lines of "I understand that x is really important, and we're definitely going to look into it. Is it something that needs to be addressed right now, or is it something that can wait until after April 1st? If it can wait, I can write it down here on this list so we don't forget. If it can't wait then we can figure out a time to address it and help you" a lot

Like Grace malfunctioning and potentially killing Reginald?

"We don't have to make this decision right now." Five says patiently, "Because Grace is a robot, we have some options. Living with a robot who is potentially malfunctioning and homicidal is dangerous, but Luther saying that means admitting that Reginald might have made a mistake or error with Grace's programming or upkeep. I haven't been here for a long time, but I remember Reginald being very precise. Regardless, this isn't a choice between permanently shutting her off or not. We can shut her down temporarily until we can fully address the issue. We can ask and see if there is a 'system reboot' option or some sort of system check that Grace can undergo. We can try find and hire an expert to take a look at her programming to find the issue."

Five gives this speech while like, organizing the weaponry in the house on a table very nonchalantly

Five out here making buzzer noises at his siblings arguments like "yeah no that's a false dichotomy and a strawman's argument, want to try again?"

(Look apocalypse nights were long and they had games that were literally about arguing pointless shit like ranking types of chairs or the best way to break out of a prison without powers and things could get heated)

"Who died and made you boss?" Luther demands.

"Uh, the world? Were you not listening?" Five asks, looking very purposefully confused.

It gets even MORE delightful when Five reads Rick into the situation because a) he promised and b) his siblings really have like, no connections jeeze

Rick fully believes that this is his son from the future, like Five introduced himself, but Five skipped out on a few key details. Such as being adopted.

So Rick spends a solid chunk of time just staring at Five, who looks basically nothing like him, trying to think like, who is his mother ???? if we save the world will Five stop existing? why would I name my child 'Five'? Does everyone have powers in the future? was there like... a radioactive apocalypse? would radiation give future humans superpowers? when did my life turn into a comic book? am i even allowed to ask these questions? will knowledge of the future fuck things up?

and then when Five comes back and is like "what is up everyone this is my dad Rick who will be joining us, he doesn't have any memories of me thanks to time travel but if anyone is mean to him i WILL kneecap them"

"Your DAD?"

Five does kidney punch Klaus for saying that Rick is a DILF but otherwise everyone just is like, warily looking at this Normal Dad Man in confusion because?? This is the dude who raised Five, who they watched take out like an entire commission team by himself yesterday? He looks so. Normal.

Rick is very confused and like, wonders if he's supposed to be the team mascot? But Five keeps involving him and asking his opinion and in return Rick enforces snack breaks and makes everyone sandwiches and has gentle talks with everyone

Every time Five notices someone about to blow he just lovingly makes sure that that person is alone in a room with Rick

Luther ends up crying on the sofa with Rick gently patting his back as Rick calmly states that Luther seems like he's put a lot of time and effort into his family and making his father proud and that since Reginald isn't here to say it, Rick will have to be the one to say that he's proud and that they've been dropped into a difficult and stressful situation - so soon after Reginald's death when they're still grieving! - and he's doing so well

Luther, experiencing unconditional positive paternal regard for the first time in his life: i don't know why i'm crying so much

honestly this is just a comedy of juggling the gang, having impromptu therapy sessions and discussions, investigating the apocalypse and the eye, leonard trying to meet vanya continuously and failing because she's constantly surrounding by family or rick/patch, the commission trying their best to bust up the dream team/isolate Vanya/kill or remove Five, while Hazel lives out his romcom dreams with Agnes and also says "fuck the commission"

[softmafia]

Ik I've already requested something but I just cant get this out of my mind.

Could you do a scenario where reader lives on a some kind of farm and has animals and junk. And y/n also has a baby boy and is also married to hisoka. So one day gon, killua, kurapika, and leorio run into y/n who invites them inside for some food. They don't know that reader and hisoka are married so when hisoka comes home they're like

Wtf is he doin here XD

This just came into my head and it's so funny xD

This is so perfect I love this so much it’s so cute omg!!!!

For the sake of me not having to continuously type “their baby” the child’s name will be Loki.(fitting for Hisoka’s child).

Genderneu reader

“y/n?” Hisoka called out from the living room, “I think we have some company.”

“Huh?” Y/n yelled from the bathroom, coming out holding a rooster in their arm, toothbrush in mouth, “I wasn’t expecting anyone coming over.” They pondered before groaning, placing the chicken down on the floor to run free, “Oh god is it the IRS again?? I don’t care who they send I’m not paying taxes.” They frowned, glaring through the blinds.

The rooster clucked and pecked at Hisoka’s leg, in response the magician glared in disgust, gently kicking it away from him. He wasn’t exactly an animal person, but he put up with this for y/n’s sake. He could tolerate a rabbit, a dog, maybe even a snake, but a chicken being allowed to wander around inside of their house? Hisoka protested about it with y/n for weeks but they were persistent. Y/n’s favorite blue ribbon rooster was staying inside much to Hisoka’s disproval.

“Oh shit!!!” Y/n stepped away from the blinds, “It’s those guys we met at the Hunter Exam. I like the Kurta.”

“Is he someone I need to worry about?” Hisoka chuckled jokingly, earning an eye roll out of y/n. “Please. Go put Loki in his crib, let’s hope he doesn’t make a scene when we let them in.” Hisoka pouted and looked at y/n, “You’re actually going to let those people in? In our house?” Y/n scoffed at their husband’s pouting, “You let the Phantom Troupe’s leader into our son’s room without my permission. You owe me one.” Shrugging, Hisoka began to make his way to the kitchen, “I figured Chrollo’s strength would rub off on little Loki. Besides that was payback for naming our son after a comic book character.” He smirked, “I’m going to make some snacks for the guests.”

“He’s not just a comic book character you uneducated prick!!”

As expected, the door knocked three times, followed by rapid knocking presumably from one of the kids. “I’m coming I’m coming!!” Y/n trotted across the room towards the door, opening it wide, “Hi guys!!” They said, greeted by a waist crushing squeeze hug from the kid in green. “Y/N!!! I thought we would never see you again after the Exam!!” Gon cheered. “Hopefully at least.” Killua sarcastically sneered, his arms behind his head casually.

Y/N glared at the white haired child, “Anyways. What brings you guys here? Better yet.. how did you find my address?” It’s not like they weren’t appreciative towards guests, it’s just weird that these people who’ve they knew for only a week had found their house. “Well..” Gon started as he pulled away, “We weren’t really expecting you, we were told this was Hisoka’s house!!”

“I still can’t wrap my head around that creep actually.. living in a house??” Leorio said with a hand placed against his temple. Kurapika nudged Leorio’s arm as a reminder that y/n didn’t take people calling Hisoka a “creep” too kindly, for some reason they have yet to know of. “Sorry..” Leorio followed sheepishly.

Y/n pursed their lips, “Well actually-”

“-Y/n, dear, you’re letting all of the cold air in!” Hisoka spoke from behind them, hooking an arm around their waist, “Why don’t you invite our.. unexpected guests inside hm?”

Gasped emitted from the four on their front porch.

“You live with Hisoka?!” Gon yelled, shocked and confused.

“Better yet; you two are.. in love?!?” Killua followed with a disgusted gag.

Kurapika was rightfully surprised, “I mean.. That would explain a lot- Leorio?” The Kurta turned his head around to look at the suited man hiding behind him cowardly. “God- I was not expecting him!!” Leorio sneered.

Interrupting everyone’s thought, Loki began crying from his room.

“Oh my god they have a baby!!” Leorio screamed, “I wonder how horrifying that creature looks like! It’s probably a terrifying beast if it has Hisoka’s genes!!” Kurapika nudged him again, only harder this time, “Leorio!!”

“Sorry! Sorry!!”

“Oh god- `Soka go get Loki!” Y/n sighed, as if their day couldn’t get any stressful. Killua laughed, “You named it after Loki!! That kid is so going to get bullied in school!”

“Oh like you aren’t??” Y/n retorted as she watched the quartet walk inside, Killua stealing the tray of sandwiches Hisoka had in his hand. Killua shrieked and stumbled back before he could trip himself over the rooster, “You guys have chickens?? Badass!!” Gon gushed at the rooster, picking it up only to be pecked in the face, “Gah!!!”

“N-No kid!! Don’t touch Bluebell!!- NO!!” Y/n gasped and ran after the frightened chicken as it ran right past their feet and out the front door. “Ugh finally that thing is out of the house!” Hisoka groaned, “You don’t know how many times I’ve woken up to that chicken scratching up the blankets, well anyways, I better tend to my child. Make yourselves at home!” Hisoka sing-songed as he made his way to Loki’s bedroom to calm his son.

“Killua!! Did you see that barn? I bet it’s y/n’s I bet they have way more animals and chickens!!” Gon beamed, shaking Killua’s shoulders then dragging him out of the door. “Oh no- Gon!! Killua!! You didn’t get y/n’s permission!! Cmon Leorio.” Kurapika sighed, grabbing Leorio by his collar and whisking him away to chase after the two kids like y/n and their domesticated rooster.

I’m so sorry if this wasn’t long enough lol, or what you expected but I feel like this is really funny, I hoped you enjoyed though!!!

Also apparently there’s no Kurapika tag?? Which is weird but idk

[simonsrosebud]

How does Kevin tell Dalton about the yakuza and everything?

well, my dear anon, not because he wants to, i’ll tell ya that.  you see, it all starts with a snarky side comment.  a joke, if you will.

it’s the beginning of kevin’s fifth and final year at palmetto state after spending nearly the whole summer with dalton.  he, andrew, and neil just finish moving in when he goes to grab his keys.  he’s been spending way too much money on gas but he can’t help it, he loves to drive his car.

neil falls back on the couch.  “you’re going back to his place?  you know you just spent the whole summer there, right?”  he throws an arm over his eyes.  “might as well tell him about the moriyama’s at this point.”

andrew levels kevin with a stare.  “it would be good for him to know his boyfriend is owned by the yakuza, yes?”

kevin sneers.  “fuck off.”  and storms out.

by the spring, kevin finds himself sitting in an SUV with ichirou and tetsuji moriyama.

he should have known what was going on when a japanese man approached him and dalton.  it’s may, he’s graduating in two weeks and from then on 80% of his earnings will go to the moriyama’s.  he should have known he was due for a visit.

he just didn’t think it’d be by them.

kevin follows the man as soon as he says “you will follow me” in japanese, and sends a text to dalton.  if i’m not back in an hour tell wymack andrew and neil what happened. i’ll explain later

and i love you

kevin wtf just happened ur scaring me

do what i say.  it’s fine

but kevin nearly has a panic attack when he sees who’s in the car the man leads him inside of.

he stays silent.

ichirou speaks first.  “you will get many offers two weeks from now, and you will choose the highest paying one no matter the location.  i’m not well versed on exy skills.  my brother says you’ve improved highly since leaving edgar allen considering your injury.”  he glances to tetsuji, who nods.  kevin doesn’t know why he’s even there.  he can feel his phone buzz a few times in his back pocket.  “a moriyama accountant will be down when it is time to do taxes.  as you know, 80% of your earnings will go to... charity.”  straight to their pockets.

kevin nods. he’s trying to keep his breathing down.  he feels like he’s pressing himself into the seat so hard that it hurts.

“who is the man you were with?”  ichirou looks to kevin, then the driver, who speaks up in japanese.

“he’s in the other car.”

no.

“he’s harmless.”  kevin almost flinches when ichirou looks back at him.  “he’s my boyfriend.  we’ve been dating for two years.  he’s a graduate student, he’s graduating this month with his masters in mathematics.  he’s going to be a professor.  he doesn’t know anything of the moriyama’s, he didn’t even know who i was when we met.  i promise he’s harmless.”

it’s silent for minutes.  it feels like hours.

and when ichirou speaks up again he sounds annoyed.  “i will leave him be.  he’s useless, but he’s not ours.”  he tsk’s.  “which means he has no place being in the other car.  someone else must be punished for that.”

kevin closes his eyes for a second.  the driver will be dead by tonight.

“kevin.”  his eyes fly open.  “surely this mess will leave him confused and widely curious.  after all, the second car is used for... bloody, situations.  i do hope they blindfolded him.”  he sighs.  this is amusing to him.  a weekend getaway event, almost.  “it will be written off as a kidnapping of sorts to which i will have people play along accordingly.  one of my men will be around in two weeks to request written statements.  yours will already be written, and will be sent to you.”  his stare is so intense that kevin wants to curl in on himself.  

kevin gets nauseous.  “yes sir.”

as soon as the car lets him off back in the parking lot, he runs to the closest trash can and dry heaves into it.  it isn’t until he feels hands at his back that he jerks away and stumbles back.

it’s dalton.  kevin gasps and takes him into his arms.  he runs his hands up and down, checking for any sign of harm.  he can feel himself panicking.  he can hear dalton talking, trying to calm him down, but all he can hear is japanese and ichirou and a clock ticking and and and

“kevin!”

wymack.

it hasn’t been an hour.  barely twenty minutes.

he doesn’t care.

andrew and neil are right behind him.  wymack snaps his fingers in his face.  “hey, look at me.  look at them, look at him.”  he points to the boys, to dalton.  “they’re alive.  you’re alive.  ichirou’s gone.”

and kevin’s nodding, but it isn’t until dalton takes him into his arms and holds the back of his head to his chest that kevin lets out a choked breath and wraps his arms tight around his waist.  “they weren’t supposed to take you,” he whispers, and he whispers it a few more times before dalton starts shushing him.

he looks up at wymack and the two boys.  “who the fuck is ichirou.”

“you seem unfazed.  why are you unfazed?”  wymack isn’t letting either of them leave abby’s house.  they aren’t complaining.

dalton shrugs.  “i was really scared, but the car i was in never moved, and i knew i could’ve beat the driver.  he was pretty small.”

kevin nods.  “they all had guns.  they always do.”

dalton squeezes his hand.  “who were they, kevin.  i’m not stupid, i know something’s going on and i know there was a lot of shady shit surrounding riko and whatever moriyama ran the ravens team based on what you told me, and i-i don’t, i don’t know what they did to you in the car but something isn’t right and i’m more scared now than i was then.”  his voice is wavering.  kevin withdrawals his hand.

“nothing’s going on, now.  it’s settled.”  but.  “it’s about my past, and it involves the moriyama’s and it’s way more fucked up than the other stuff, but if i tell you, there’s not a single person you can tell.  the only people who know are the foxes.  only the original ones, the ones you know, and only because they didn’t have a choice to know.  otherwise they wouldn’t.”

dalton nods.  “i just had an asian man force me into an SUV after another one took you away.  i need to know, kev.”

kevin presses his palms to his eyes for a moment.  “you can’t hold it against me.  please.”

it’s a long night.  neil’s story has to be relived to explain it all, and when they get back to the events of today dalton lays almost on top of kevin and wraps his whole body around him.

“how did i manage to get ahold of you, kevin day,” he whispers into his neck.  “just don’t ever disappear on me.  that’s all i ask.”

"are you okay.”  are you okay with being with me?  he wants to ask.  can you be with me?  can you deal with this?

he feels him shrug.  “i think so.”

“are... can you... is this going to be a deal-breaker between us?”  and dalton pulls away.  he holds himself up above kevin with a frown.

then again, he’s worn a frown all night.

“what do you mean?”

kevin covers his eyes with his hands and sighs.  “i just told you how i owe my income to the yakuza until i die or else i die, and you’re acting like i never said it.”

“i know what you said, kevin.”  dalton sits back.  “you think that doesn’t scare me?  what if you get hurt and can't play?  will they keep you alive if your income is coming from a different job?  i’ve been running scenarios in my head for the last twenty minutes-”

“i’m fine!  i don't have a choice, but you do!  you’re the one dating me, are you really okay with being with someone in this situation when you can be free from it with someone else?!”

“but i don’t want to be with anyone else!”  he's literally sitting straddled on kevin’s lap.  “i love you.  two years, now, kev, i don't know what you don’t get.  i’d fucking put a ring on it if that’s what would get you to believe me.”  kevin wraps his arms around dalton and pulls him down so he’s laying against his chest.  his voice is muffled by kevin's shirt.  “i want you as long as you’ll have me and if that means being with someone in your situation then that’s what it means.”

“i’m sorry.”

“don’t be sorry, just trust me.”

“i do.  i trust you.  i love you.”

“i love you, too,”  and kevin thinks dalton’s been kind of wiped out emotionally, because it barely takes five minutes for him to fall asleep after that

[letamthoughts]

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

(MAJOR SPOILERS)

10/10

i really like it (mid tier?)

🎵 Everything into a bagel 🎵; meme dat shit

freaking objective facts/truths; funny scene

so they're both omni (basically) and are settling into the current universe?

wtf happened in the main one? guess it doesn't matter?

enjoyed the language confusion in beginning

Joy wanted to die so she could escape her reality of being such an aimless mess who hadn't amounted to much, which is why it hurt so much seeing everything everywhere all at once

named her Joy and yet she was sad

of course grandpa was the leader of the stop-her-gang; dude was about dat status quo

it's okay to not be special in any reasonable way, basically

and of course mom was the one who pushed Joy so hard that she became a monster of sorts; freaking ruined her child in the processes of forcing her to achieve greatness; mildly curious to know how Asian-Americans feel about this movie

wasn't expecting a bagel of all things honestly, but it makes sense

dat bagel summon was dope; like, wtf and how dafuq

the solution was to just talk to her, accept her, and ?

racoonDad died with his wife's ashes

holy shit, just realized her other selves caused the ruin of (atleast two of) the ones racoonJoy turned (e.g.: rejection of hotdog fingers, outting of faux chef)

loved the oddness of the racoon's movement

"How could you let me go?"

The Understandable List (villains)

this should serve as a great reminder for me to do nothing; it should atleast -_-

overall, it's a good enough movie in an amazing way

...da buttplug; did he pre-lube himself?

the daughter was great in this

basically, racoonJoy's transformation only works on people who aren't good at anything; so i was (mostly?) wrong about hotdog-fingers

i like how in the end things aren't going perfect, but they're going well enough

freaking dog on a leash

i like the first ending (part 1)

tax lady vapin'

[quilleily]

Camelot funds is a mess and i hate it

i'm so dumb confused, please someone help me, idk anything about economics.

The whole finance thing of camelot is making me so angry, ITS SO CONFUSING. Why did it took 6 months for them to figure out whats the problem- shouldn't they had a discussion with the bank about the finances since the arrival or after the coronation? There should be a meeting with Tedros, Treasury Master, and a bank representative.

WAIT- APPARENTLY THE TREASURY MASTER IS ALL LIKE "he's not officially a king, so no." WTF? WHY IS HE ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH THAT?? KIng or not, Tedros is still royalty, and waaay above you in title and have authority over you. You don't get to say no because its your jOB?? to discuss finances?? omfg.

"They taxed the poor and the middle class at double the rates Arthur did and cut the taxes of the wealthiest landowners." wtf wtf wtf wtf- wait is this because of the mistral sisters? how the hell did they managed that-

And- why does the mistrals sisters able to hide the money? and how they managed to get away with it? why didn't the bank got suspicious over it? I mean- they have the ability to do something about it.

In OTK - Vault 41. Albemarle said "Camelot Beautiful is a fraudulent account. You and your sisters have been stealing Camelot funds and stashing them here for years. And now, voila, the funds flow back to Camelot, just in time for the new king to spend it."

Its possible! All Tedros had to do was talk to albemarle- its not like he's gonna refuse. (What was tedros been doing in camelot all those time??? like seriously man-)

Lady gremlaine has albemarle's business card so that means they can get an audience with him- why didn't she told tedros? why didn't she do or say anything about it? and she helped raise funds for CB, and knows something is sus, why didn't sHE DO ANYTHING- 6 MONTHS. SIX MONTHS??????????

.

In conclusion, Lady gremlaine shouldn't have separated tagatha. The combined force of their braincells couldve fixed camelot.

[babybunnyboy1]

if you think i know what I am doing then you are sadly mistaken this was supposed to be angst but I see none of the fuckin angst wtf

@sm-baby hi this is a fanfic submission again.

i tried to make angst

i failed horribly.

Either way I hope you like Sheldon being sweet and kind and my character being a dumb fuck

yay.

Mr. Bombastic, at least, that’s what Bunny started calling Sheldon after a few days. Sheldon laughed every time, of course, he had no idea why Bunny called him Bombastic. A funny word, bombastic. He bets Bunny doesn’t even know the definition of bombastic.

Bunny obviously meant calling Sheldon ‘bombastic’ in the sweetest way, but clearly he has gotten it confused with another word. It had been three days since Sheldon’s new nickname started, and he decided to confront Bunny on the topic after Children’s Story Hour at his library.

Sheldon sighs, smiling as he watched a horned child feed a little baby with wings small mashed carrots. Both had plenty of napkins, just in case. “I can’t thank you enough.” Sheldon turned from watching the children, smiling at Bunny. “For watching them while I was at court.” Sheldon smiled, tilting his head. “Court?” He asks. “What did you do? Speed again? Swim where you weren’t supposed to.” Bunny chuckled awkwardly, his public area veil covered his face completely. A small slit was all that Sheldon could see his eyes from, “Divorce sucks… But well, nothing so far…” Sheldon frowns, a bit shocked. “Divorce?” He didn’t even know Bunny was married, he never wore a ring! Bunny shrugs. “Eh, she was refusing to help with the kids so I decided, ‘why let her get tax write offs?’ Ya know?” Sheldon nods, still surprised. “Ah…mhm…” “Anyway- They were good right? Kauffee didn’t eat paint again did he?” Sheldon chuckles, turning to a larger boy with goat horns sticking out of his head. The child in question was wiping the smaller child’s cheek, cleaning carrot mush. “Kauffee is a good kid… He’s actually been quite helpful.” Bunny sighs. “Good… Mr. Bombastic you are a saint…” Sheldon chuckles. “Mr. Inflated with no substantial substance?” Bunny blinks. “What? No Bombastic…” Sheldon frowns. “Inflated with no substantial substance…” Bunny’s hands fumble, he looks away. He started popping his fingers. “I-I… Uhm… Mr. Bombastic… very fantastic..?”

Sheldon let out a groan. “Is that from… a song?” Bunny mumbles, rocking on the balls of his feet. “I-It’s the only lyrics I remember..”

Sheldon stares for a moment, sighing before gently reaching forward and ruffling soft brown curls. “It’s fine…” “Did I accidentally insult you…?” “Mmmm… I know you meant well.” Sheldon says, standing up straight. “Besides, you never mean to be insulting.. It’s what’s pretty great about you.” Bunny smiles at Sheldon, then sighs. “Thank you… I’ll stop calling you that. I’ll think of something else to nickname you.” “Another nickname?” He raises his eyebrow. Bunny gives him a determined look. “Something that means you-“ Sheldon chuckles. “I have a name…” Bunny looked even more determined. “I didn’t get my Bunny name by being it assigned by my parents.” Sheldon blinks. “Wait- you chose your name to be Bunny?” He tilts his head, confused. “No-“ He frowns. “My soon to be ex-wife had chosen that adorable name.” He mumbles. Sheldon stares, for a moment, taking in the expression of Bunny’s body language. He didn’t notice he flushed slightly, looking Bunny up and down. That veil just covers what Sheldon knows to be a handsome face. “What was your name?” What am I doing? Bunny smiles. “You wanna know my given name?” Holy fuck what am I doing? “Well.. if it’s not any trouble.” Bunny straightens his posture, smiling as he pushed up his chest. “My given name was Sabrina.. It mean’s Princess.”

Sheldon chuckles, “Sabrina- Princess- I-“ He stops abruptly, then sighs as he held his face, covering his eyes. “You uhhh…” Bunny chuckles and turns away. “Yeah…” Sheldon sighs, frowning as he thinks for a moment. “You and I are more alike in more ways than I thought.” Bunny stares then shrugs. “Well, we’re different too. Like the veil, the species, I was married- well still am- you were a witch, you’re well read…” Bunny shrugs, his blue eyes drifting to the side. “Lot’s of things.” Sheldon frowns, thinking as he stares and turns to face him. “Are you not… ‘well read’?”

Bunny sighs. “Glow Squids have a different… uhm… paper doesn’t survive in water…” Sheldon stares, grabbing the nearest book and pointing at the first page. “Read.” “Hun, I just said I can’t.” “You can’t read-“ “No… No Sheldon, I can’t.” Bunny looked around, a bit embarrassed. “You check out five books every Sunday..” He says, a bit of disbelief in his chest. “Lucas- no- Kauffee- well yes Lucas. Kauffee Lucas Loverman, my son at age 8, has a high reading level…” “Kauffee- that child feeding Nico, your other child, mushed carrots, likes to read giant novels?” “I come into the library with a list of what he saw of what he wants to read on Fridays and come in on Sundays…” Sheldon stares at Bunny for a moment, then chuckles and smiles. “You’re a good father.” “I can’t even read my children bedtime stories…” He mumbles. Sheldon smiles, staring at Bunny who fumbled and rocked on his feet. “You support your children though… Make sure to do what’s best for them. It’s a nice quality. To be a good father.” Bunny stares them smiles. “You’re pink.” “What-“ Bunny smiles more, his veil visibly shifting as he lifts a finger and gently prods Sheldon’s cheek. “Pink…” Sheldon chuckles, smiling as he stares. “Hah…” he glances away to a nearby window. Bunny was right. Though something told Sheldon that Bunny didn’t realize that Sheldon was just blushing. “I guess I am…” Bunny smiles looking around before turning to Sheldon and lifting his veil, winking. Of course, Bunny has the ability to purposefully change the color of his glow, and his face had a bit of glowing bits. He glowed pink, smiling at Sheldon. “We’re pink.” Sheldon chuckles, smiling as he rubs a knuckle against the glowing bit of skin on Bunny’s cheek. I don’t mind this. He’s just a friend. A good friend. “I guess we are..”

[peltigaan]

wtf is going on in the morrowind steam reviews

[CC: tried to talk to a innkeeper because i have a net worth of -5 kwama eggs and cant even afford a pillow, so i tried to persuade her into pitying those below the poverty line but i accidentally clicked spacebar and picked up some random grimy folded cloth thats been collecting mold underneath the bar for 80 years and within 0.9 nanoseconds a guard had risen out of the floor and basically demanded me to pay my taxes (despite not having ownership of anything since cauis's package, yes I sold that for 0 dollars out of spite) or go to the meat locker for an epoch. I naturally chose the tax evasion option because once again a diseased scrib has more economic potential than me, yet despite my obvious financial shortcomings, the crime of picking up a manure stained cloth cloth in a public space has the punishment of the death penalty on the spot, no judge, no jury, just execution. Before he could hit me and basically banish me to oblivion (due to my negative armor class because I have every disease created in the game because I decided it was a good idea to see how Hla Oad is this time of year, do not go there it is the fecal matter of the hlaalu house and is run by hillbillies who decided it was a good idea to make a crap fishing village next to 8 deadric ruins with about 2 guards to protect their worthless operation) before he could hit me however I had managed to outsmart every single being in that inn by performing the complex task of walking through a door. Now that I had basically exiled everyone in there for as long as I wanted, the only problem was the 69 guards with armor made out of moldy cheese beelining to my exact location. I did the natural thing and went the opposite way up some cliff but in a dead sprint I think I may rival a crippled 80 year old woman in her deathbed at top speed. By the time I reached the mountain I spammed E, since you know the saying, "when in doubt, spam tf out of e". Naturally I made it up the mountain despite it being vertical and every guard's reaction was not to follow me the way I came or find the next best path but to hightail it tf out of here since obviously one who is on a slightly raised platform now has the combat equivalence to that of a daedric prince, no matter if they look like they were born from beef jerky. Before I could revel in my triumph (or notice my bounty has risen by a quadrillion for stealing a cloth and valuing my life from immediate execution) a cliff racer had spawned 3 inches from my forehead and immediately began to assault me. I managed to move out of the way but instead of not getting hit my body decided to have a convulsion on the spot and I fall to the floor like a life alert commercial (Since I had spammed E to escape the guards, my fatigue, which has a max of 4 points, had gone to -5e57) Luckily, before I could get hit again and my health, which is about 0.0000000001 at this point, I manage to use a scroll i had found while enjoying the beginning of the game's scenery and to reward me for having positive thoughts the game decided to murder a man in front of me by dropping him from the heavens. But he had scrolls that could launch me like inflation rates in germany during the 1930;s, so naturally I used them during the cliff racer attack. I jumped and began to ascend into the heavens, suddenly I did not feel bad about my hard situation in life anymore, my economic shortcomings were irrelevant, my weak and frail body with the agility and intelligence that only rivals that of a cinder block was of no more matter to me. So what if I cannot understand basic reading skills and I put all my skills into spear and I had not found a single spear yet despite this being my 629th day in the game and having made a grand total of 1.2 gold, all of which came from fargoths corpse after I booby trapped his drug stash (it was in some rotting log because of his crippling moon sugar addiction) with a fireball from hell that killed everyone in a 4 city radius. It was all of no more matter, I flew, and for the first time, I was free, free of my shackles of constant endangerment and permanent psychological trauma, the ground before me disappeared into a white ether and I was free from it all. Then the air turned red, I was confused, thinking I had entered another level of the atmosphere, but then the ground reappeared. What was a small island had turned into a jagged red mountain straight from satan's summer home retreat. There was not much I could do since I was barreling straight down the throat of the volcano into a lava ocean at the speed of light and only had the chance to see some man with nothing but a loincloth and a golden mask teabagging the corpse of some random dark elf, probably of no importance, but it mattered not, as I was now 80000 different pieces floating in a burning hellscape forever attoning for my sin of wanting to have a fun time playing a video game. all in all good game would recommend 10/10]

[xiaosean]

why you should watch douluo continent

the drama adaptation is such a good rendition of “soul land” and stayed true to the plot line and character development. it was fast-paced (perfect for me) but may be confusing for those who don’t know the story. i personally love the donghua, and i think the drama did an adequate job of portraying everything in their own way 😁 (read at your own discretion; this contains spoilers)

things i liked:

initially, i didn’t like the dreamscape bc wtf is it doing there? why is he hearing his mom’s voice in episode 1 (it just kills the entire momentum of the plot); and then after i got to episode 39... fucking ep. 39, i knew the dreamscape needed to be there in order to save tang san’s life; mr. wang who wrote the script, props to you.

the cgi 🥰✨ i had really low expectations bc if there’s shitty cgi like cql... i wouldn’t be able to handle it. but it’s so good ??? please, i know the ape soul beast was small and funny looking (bc they had to spend money on the water dragon lmao), but other than that, it was so good and how each and every character’s powers were able to shine

le outfits + makeup - they’re not super pale 😭😭😭 finally !!! and the outfits are so nice, SO SO NICE, each and every character holy hell

how they changed hu liena’s (aka. qian renxue) role in the drama --- she’s my fav female antagonist; she’s so good here, her character was annoying at first, but she’s so dynamic and independent, and just wants to impress her mom. you see her helping tang san + his squad during the last 5 eps because SHE CARES about her mom despite her strict upbringing 🥺 her and tang san have a ship name called 糖葫芦 (candied hawthorns) and i think that’s so cute hehe

the seven devils 😂 i loved the seven devils in this adaptation almost as much as i loved them in the donghua; each and every character got their own storyline, they’re not boring nor do they draw attention away from the tang san’s main plot, and you see so much development (esp. in ou sike and dai mubai)

headmaster, da shi, and er long trio! 黄金铁三角 iconic and they captured it so well 😭 they chose the actor for the headmaster so freaking well i’m screaming! he loves money so much and his little facial expressions as a third wheel is everything, the comedic relief! and da shi... i see y’all thirsting over calvin chen okay 😌 he’s so much better in the drama tbh & er long is majestic and amazingly powerful and cunning, i love her !!! and props to luo san pao, the best doggo ever!

the seniors! they basically perfected tang san’s relationship with dugu bo... it was antagonistic at first, but then they became besties over poison 😭❤️ i loved dugu bo’s character in here bc he was so funny & didn’t get social cues LMAO // the ape soul master was brief but he honestly made my day with how much he respected the tang family & how he took care of his father back in the day // 七宝琉璃 squad was also 🥰 (less hot than in the donghua lol) but they also somehow made jian yeye the comedic relief? i love how they’re so accepting of ou sike despite him being a support soul master

tang san’s mom - i can only hear her voice, but she made me cry & i love her for that

tang san ❤️❤️❤️ xiao zhan’s voice over just blended in with his character & it was just so wonderful; tang san in the donghua was smart, so fucking smart, cunning, but the kindest at heart; xiao zhan truly portrayed that and my most memorable part was when da shi said “your only flaw is that you let your emotions get the best of you” (this is so important), and you see him later try to control his emotions and not act rashly, especially when confronted with 时年 & 比比东 --- also crying scenes 11/10

bibi dong powerful, POWERFUL WOMAN, props to her voice actress, i got chills when she said, “你根本没有资格知道” // tang hao, wow he’s just like i imagined, but i wish he was a little more emotional in ep. 1 bc the blue silver plant in tang san is essentially his lover’s martial soul

how the concept of family was generated within the shi lan ke academy squad 🥺 it’s such a feel good drama, istg, makes you so happy when you’re having a bad day ✨

things i didn’t like:

xiao wu’s character portrayal (the scriptwriter’s fault, not xuanyi) // i honestly let it slide for the first 10 episodes bc i usually start falling for a character later on, it’s normal; but drama xiao wu didn’t fulfill the 小舞姐 in my heart 😔 i get that many people like her, but it’s not the same! xiao wu in donghua is beautiful, independent, and outspoken, BUT MOST OF ALL HER LOVE FOR TANG SAN IS OBVIOUS, you don’t need to say “一起去” every other line in the drama; i think this could have been remedied if they stayed true to the storyline and let tang san enter the secret dimension alone, bring the mythical herbs back, and have xiao wu prick herself to activate 相思断肠红 (they completely butchered the significance of the flower i’m so angry; fyi: the flower can only belong to you if your heart loves one person --- there’s the most beautiful backstory to the flower but drama douluo said nah). also, drama xiao wu is so clingy and she started exposing herself from the beginning... no momentum build-up whatsoever 😔 it’s 斗罗大陆, not 斗罗大陆: 小舞传 and sometimes it felt like she was being so insistent on following tang san around, i’m just 😓 

the whole canghui academy scheme --- it was confusing for 10 eps straight until they got to the end of it, but I guess the drama wanted to add that part in because they wanted to focus less on the competition and more on 变异武魂 (the mutated martial souls) in order to defeat bibi dong

how the beginning was so confusing 😫 i wish they just stuck with child tang san remembering his past life as a disciple in tang clan & then learning 玄天宝录 on his own bc that was such a great part of his character development + understanding of soul masters/their weaknesses; and the fact that he would rely less on his parents 

the kiss + confession at ep. 40 // could have done w/o it or even a simple forehead kiss; the confession from tang san was way too quick considering there’s little to no emotional build-up towards that moment (other than bibi dong doing all the work like the queen she is) and there’s no surprise element either? like we’ve been knew she’s a soul beast since ep. 5 🥲 and the kiss was awkward & like i said, sanwu’s love doesn’t need words or actions to confirm... it’s this innate thing that the audience should be able to see (if the scriptwriters focused a little more on BIG plot points that boost the sanwu relationship, then it would have been perfect) ^^ i wish they spent more time on the romantic aspect of the relationship bc even after 30 eps, they seem like siblings when OP said They’re Not.

overall thoughts:

this is purely my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt! the cons imo were minor except for the development of the sanwu relationship; it doesn’t seem like romance to me 😔 but hopefully it’ll get better in the (maybe) second season when they take some time apart to grow? i’m surprised how much they referenced the original story (characters and such), and i am thoroughly impressed with WHERE THEY ENDED IT, and how they rounded all the new/old plot points together in a way that makes sense. i also don’t hate any of the antagonists, which is why this drama is so lighthearted and easy to watch. it’s not emotionally taxing (sans tang san crying bc xz breaks me heart 😭💕), and safe + enjoyable to watch with family! you’re gonna miss it once it ends, and i think that makes a drama successful 😁 also i’m not gonna go into depth about the mysterious ending bc i might spoil it for those who want to watch the donghua LMAO (but if you want to know my theories, shoot me an ask)