#and his and dazai’s dynamic is one of the most heartbreaking in the show

[bunglegaydogs]

Oda and Dazai's relationship

Forewarning now that I've finished it; This is fucking long. Like, I;m not joking, this is almost 10,000 words. Anyways, if you want to read some of it, enjoy! <3

The things in this anime that get me are Odasaku and Dazai, Dazai and Chuuya, Yosano and Ranpo and Ranpo and Fukuzawa. Those dynamics FUCK ME UP.

And so because I like to torture myself with tears and emotions, I'm going to go on a rant about Dazai and Odasaku, because holy shit I finished The Dark Era LN yesterday and I was crying so hard that I was dizzy, shaking and could not breathe. It fucked me up fr. Anyways, I love their father/son / brother dynamic, so :)

I don't even know where to start with this? It's going to be an incoherent and incomprehensible rant, but I need to get my shit out there.

Their relationship is one of the most intrinsic and gut wrenching. Not just on a familial level, but on a personal level. Despite them never being personal with each other, they knew each other the best. Literal best friends. And that's what's so heartbreaking about Oda's death. Dazai never opens up to anyone, he never shows his true face, and always hides his intentions. When he shows his "true face" it's for a split second, blink and you miss it. As I said in a previous post, remember the Wan! jumpscare? Where Atsushi got very upset about Dazai talking about how when he goes, he wants to go out just as beautifully? That shit hurted. But it was a brief slip of the mask. After that, he remains silent. Not a word. He just stares at the fireworks, dull lifeless eyes looking up at the sky. And, when Dazai shows these sides to Odasaku, Odasaku is clearly upset by them, showing how deeply he cares for Dazai. The Dark Era LN is literally the best thing ever for going into the itty bitty of their relationship, I actually love it so much, and I will be referencing it a thousand times in this.

First episode, 15 minutes in and we already see that Dazai cares a lot for Oda. Just after Oda gets sniped in Ango's room and he phones Dazai, Dazai at first jokes about how he never usually calls him. When he realises that Oda is in a serious situation, his demeanour changes. And when Oda says that he has the Silver Oracle on hand if need be, "There's no need. Don't push yourself too hard. Wait for me to get there." Just that one sentence and we see how much he cares for him. He's being protective, making sure that Oda doesn't get himself hurt. Then, of course, comes the actual alley scene where we see a much darker side to Dazai and the anime as a whole, however it's where we also see how Dazai's mindset and habits affect Odasaku negatively, and how upset he gets when Dazai pulls this shit. There are some vital differences in the anime and with the LN which really fucking get me. The LN goes more in depth of course, but we hear the emotion in the anime. But, the book is written so well that we know the emotions anyway.

“I can see you’re not happy… I’m sorry for compromising your principles.”

His smile weakened as he spoke. Dazai usually never apologized to anyone, which was why what he said really rang true.

This always fucking gets me. He genuinely cares about what Odasaku thinks and how he feels. Dazai, who generally does not care for the emotions of others and such, apolgises when he sees that Oda is upset by something that he's done and is affected by Oda being upset, which is something that, when it comes to Dazai, is shocking, as we hardly ever see that side of him. The majority of the times that we do (honestly, if we ever do) is with Odasaku. A genuine deep-rooted affection and fondness for someone else. Yes, he deeply cares about those in the ADA, but not to the extent that he cared about Oda. He is concerned for those in the Agency's wellbeing, of course. But he's never been cared for by anyone but Odasaku before. The Agency all have deep trust between them, but Dazai will never ever show his true self to any of them. He is a guarded person, never letting anybody see his true intentions or if he's truly hurting. Odasaku has been the only one to ever see that. One of Odasaku's regrets whilst he was dying was that he never tried to get Dazai to speak up about his issues; in the LN it has such a good way of explaining how he feels about it and it tears my heart apart.

“Your organization’s called Mimic, right?” Dazai asked the man, but he didn’t reply. He didn’t even blink. “I’m not expecting an answer. To tell the truth, I admire you guys. No other organization has tried to take the Mafia head-on like this before. And nobody has ever successfully managed to point their gun at me like this with the intent to kill, either.”

Dazai faced the attacker, then began to walk toward him as if he were taking a stroll through his garden.

“Dazai, stop,” I begged in a hushed tone.

“I hope you can see the excitement in my eyes, too.” Dazai continued to address the enemy who was holding him at gunpoint. “If you just squeeze your finger ever so slightly, you can give me precisely what I crave most. The only thing I’m afraid of is that you’ll miss.”

His lips curled as he approached the man. The muzzle was now fewer than ten feet away.

“You need to aim for the heart or the head. I recommend the head. You only get one chance, though. My colleagues here won’t be kind enough to give you another.” Dazai tapped the middle of his forehead right over his eyebrows a few times. “But I know you can do it. You’re a sniper, aren’t you? I can still see the imprint from the sniper rifle on your cheek. You’re not the spotter.”

“Now shoot. Right here. You can’t miss from this close up.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “You’ll be killed whether or not you shoot, so just bury the enemy executive before you go.”

“Dazai!” I screamed. I felt as though we were thousands of miles apart.

“Please take me with you. Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream. Come, now. Shoot.”

Still pointing at his forehead, Dazai closed in on the enemy with a smile that could’ve even been described as peaceful.

The attacker bit his lip and tightened his finger around the trigger.

—He’s at his breaking point!

The sniper and I fired almost simultaneously.

Two flashes of light flooded the alley.

Shot in the arm, the man spun around.

Dazai violently bent backward after being shot point-blank.

A split second like a blue flash of lightning.

A never-ending instant.

Then time began to move again.

Immediately, Dazai’s men showered the enemy with bullets as he spun from the impact of my shot. Like a rag being pummeled by a waterfall, the man was thrown backward, scattering flesh and blood until he perished.

Leaning away, Dazai took two, three steps back before stopping.

“…………How unfortunate,” he lamented, still bent over. “Looks like I didn’t manage to die this time, either.”

Dazai lifted his head up. The skin on the side of his head, slightly above his right ear, was slit open and bleeding.

The bullet had just missed.

I looked at Dazai. There was something there invisible to the human eye. You could’ve called it demons of the mind—something that could never be seen—just something compelled to destroy all.

“Sorry to shock you like that.” Noticing my gaze, Dazai scratched the side of his head and grinned. “Pretty realistic acting, right? I knew from the start that he would miss. The imprint from the sniper rifle was on his left cheek, meaning that was the side he used to shoot. In other words, he’s left-handed, but he was holding the pistol in his right hand. So he was going to shoot with his nondominant hand, he could barely even stand on those wobbly legs, and to make matters worse, he was using that old-fashioned gun. The only way he would have hit me was if he pressed the muzzle against my body.”

I didn’t say anything. I just stared at Dazai as he explained with a smile.

“All I had to do was talk to him to buy some time until his arm got tired. If I slowly walked toward him, he wouldn’t be able to shoot straight away. The rest was in your hands, Odasaku. I knew you would do something. Pretty logical, right?”

“Yeah.”

That was all I said. I didn’t have anything else to add. Had our ranks or relations been any different, I probably would’ve punched him right then. However, I am me, and there was nothing I could do to him.

After returning my gun to its holster, I turned my back to Dazai and began walking away. With every step I took, I felt as if the ground were going to collapse, creating a bottomless hole that I would fall through for an eternity.

Dazai’s expression as he placed a finger on his forehead and approached the enemy—that of a child about to burst into tears—remained burned into my eyes.

Sorry for the long extract. Just thought the whole scene was the most effective way of showing it.

Anyways, this is one of the scenes that fucks me up the most.

Because through Odasaku's eyes, all that he sees here is a lost child, pleading and crying out for help. Despite Dazai being 18, to Oda he's still young (which, he is. 18 is fucking young.) to him. When he sees Dazai like this, he grows protective. He is rattled and very clearly shaken. The difference between the LN and the anime here is that Odasaku in the anime tells him to be quiet, because he's "heard enough". He knows that Dazai is just chatting a bit of wham.

"Dazai, stop," I begged in a hushed tone.

He's upset. Odasaku is a fucking expert at hiding his emotions, as we see when Mori tells him that Ango is missing. He expresses absolutely nothing, the twitch of his finger being the only giveaway. Here, we see how emotionally distressed he is by Dazai's actions, showing how much he truly cares for Dazai.

“Now shoot. Right here. You can’t miss from this close up.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “You’ll be killed whether or not you shoot, so just bury the enemy executive before you go.”

“Dazai!” I screamed. I felt as though we were thousands of miles apart.

This, once again, shows just how distressed he is. This scene fucking breaks me. He feels so far away from Dazai, because nobody can fucking reach him. Dazai's so far gone into this darkness that he's shrouded himself and found himself in that nobody can ever reach him. They can't pull him back from that ledge.

Dazai violently bent backward after being shot point-blank.

A split second like a blue flash of lightning.

A never-ending instant.

Then time began to move again.

He is fucking distressed here. Odasaku isn't doing okay, because he's scared that Dazai is dead. However, despite him knwoing he's not thanks to Flawless, he's still fucking terrified and shaken.

I looked at Dazai. There was something there invisible to the human eye. You could’ve called it demons of the mind—something that could never be seen—just something compelled to destroy all.

Oda sees more than what everyone else sees; everyone else sees a sociopathic suicidal maniac who's strange and quirky and has a weird fucking goofy side to him. However, Oda sees more to Dazai than this. Another thing to mention is that whilst everyone looks at Dazai and thinks "Wow, he seems so young for the amount of achievements in the mafia that he has. Scary kid." Odasaku sees Dazai as a child who is in need of help, a crying child who seeks someone to love and care for him. A lonely child.

That was all I said. I didn’t have anything else to add. Had our ranks or relations been any different, I probably would’ve punched him right then. However, I am me, and there was nothing I could do to him.

After returning my gun to its holster, I turned my back to Dazai and began walking away. With every step I took, I felt as if the ground were going to collapse, creating a bottomless hole that I would fall through for an eternity.

Dazai’s expression as he placed a finger on his forehead and approached the enemy—that of a child about to burst into tears—remained burned into my eyes.

This. This scene is everything to me. I will never not talk about this scene when talking about Dazai and Oda. It genuinely gets me in tears, I can't deal. When I first read this I had to stop for a second, because holy shit it just got me. Oda is the only one who has ever seen Dazai like this; everyone else sees him as someone to be used, or someone to be hated, or someone to be feared. But Oda sees him as someone to be loved. When Oda says 'Dazai’s expression as he placed a finger on his forehead and approached the enemy—that of a child about to burst into tears—remained burned into my eyes.', I don't know which explanation of mine I think is the most suitable. Because, he either says this because he sees that expression, and to him it seems like Dazai is so fucking happy and ecstatic to finally having what he craves the most, and that alone unsettles Oda. Or, Oda sees that expression and is so unsettled, because to him Dazai is just a child. A crying child that is shouting for help. I genuinely think it's both, but hey, who am I to be able to discern? I'm fucking dumb lol.

That was all I said. I didn’t have anything else to add. Had our ranks or relations been any different, I probably would’ve punched him right then. However, I am me, and there was nothing I could do to him.

Here, we see Oda's reaction after the initial shock. Here, I think it's pretty father/brother like of him when he says 'I probably would've punched him right then.' It's a protective and familial instinct; Odasaku is distressed, and wants Dazai to know that what he did was not okay. Oda is not happy with him, and Dazai kind of knows this, but doesn't know how to respond to it. As aforementioned, nobody has cared for Dazai like Odasaku does.

Now, time for a little insight on how Oda sees Dazai, and more explanation for how Oda wants to shelter him and protect him like a fucking son. One of the most heartbreaking fucking parts of the entire series; Dazai opening up for the first time ever. At least, I'm sure it is (that we see, I mean). After Dazai and Odasaku go to Bar Lupin and find Ango there, and Dazai then explains why he's not upset (bullshit he's devastated) and reveals a deep part of him, something which none of them have done with each other before, really. However, different translations, so I'll just put all three.

"It's alright, I'm not sad. I knew this would happen from the beginning. It wouldn't have mattered what side you were on. Because anything I never want to lose, is always lost. This is how it's always been for me. Everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it. And nothing I pursue is worth the cost of prolonging this life of suffering." - Anime dub. "I'm not sad. I knew this from the beginning. Whether you were with the gifted special operations division or not, anything I would never want to lose is always lost. It is a given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There's nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering." - Anime sub. “I’m not sad. I knew from the very beginning,” Dazai said. His face was a blank mask now. “It didn’t matter whether you were with the Special Division for Unusual Powers. I always lose the things I don’t want to lose the most. That’s why I don’t feel anything anymore. The moment you get your hands on something worth going after, you lose it. That’s just how things are. There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.” - Dark Era LN

This is actually one of the most gut wrenching scenes ever, I can't deal. Because honestly, I relate to this on a fucking spiritual level.

One of the parts that really sticks out to me is the "That's why I don't feel anything anymore." because that is how he manages these things. How he keeps his emotions in check. He just doesn't feel, he's desensitised to these things, and he tries to make sure that he doesn't care for anything, whether that be himself, subordinates, partners, friends, figures in his life, etc. He numbs himself to it all because he expects only hurt to come out of it. However, he let his guard down. He thought he could have a nice thing, and it was snatched away from him the moment he came to peace with the fact that he was comfortable with them, Oda and Ango. Then, the one thing he doesn't want to happen at all, the one fucking thing he has left to hold onto in this world is fucking ripped from him; Oda. Having already expected bad outcomes to anything that he truly desires, he still couldn't of expected it to happen and obviously wasn't prepared for Oda to just go and die like that. And he doesn't know what to do anymore. Because Oda was the last thing, his last tether to this world. He was the one thing worth living for, really, and now he's gone. Yet, Oda's final wish gives him something to keep pursuing in life. He sees no value in the act of living, and he himself sees no value within him. So, the one thing that keeps him going is Oda's final words to him. Oda's death hit him hard (obvs) because he was the last stable thing in his life when everything else fell apart. And now, he has nothing else to lean on. Oda was there for him, Oda cared for him and wasn't just using him. Dazai realises this, and that's what makes it so devastating, because Oda was the only person who Dazai could actually trust and love without getting hurt in some way or other. And we all know how important trust is to Dazai (the people that Dazai trusts are minimal. It's fucking Chuuya and Oda. Yes, he trusts the ADA. Not to the extent of these two. He places his everything in them, just in opposite ways.).

I stared at Dazai. We had known each other for a while, but this was the first time he’d ever opened up about himself. I could see a thorn the size of a harpoon wedged deeply into his life.

This got me fucked up fr fr. Oda's response to Dazai's spiel about losing the things he yearns the most. For the two years that they've known each other, Dazai has not once opened up to them. Not a single time. Yet, they all have such a deep friendship and bond that that doesn't even matter; they're as close as they are regardless. 'I could see a thorn the size of a harpoon wedged deeply into his life.' Again, this impacts Oda, because he sees how much Dazai is hurting and, once again, craves to soothe him, because he sees a child in distress.

“Dazai.”

He paused when I called his name. I didn’t have anything else to say, though; I simply said his name.

Nobody knew what Dazai was really thinking.

It’s an unwritten rule in the Mafia to not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. One must never open the door to another’s heart and try to judge them for the darkness tucked within. That was one nice thing about the Mafia.

But maybe, just maybe, that was the wrong approach—or at the very least, when it came to the man sitting next to me. Somebody probably should’ve tied him up, pried his chest open, and stuffed a vacuum cleaner inside. Then, as he screamed and cried until they needed to punch him to shut him up, they’d suck every last bit out of his chest and stamp it into the ground.

But in reality, such a vacuum didn’t exist. Chests don’t open up like that, and no one is capable of such feats. What we see is everything, and everything we see, we ignore. All we can do is stand before the deep ditch between us and others and keep silent.

“Well, I should get going,” Dazai said before standing.

“Dazai.” He turned around when I called out to him. Rubbing my hands together, I looked down at the empty plate and coffee cup, then back up. “Are you thinking that way because—?”

Out of nowhere, Dazai’s cell phone began to ring. He lightly bowed to me before placing the phone against his ear and answering. A few moments went by as he listened to whoever was on the other side, but soon enough, his lips suddenly twisted into a grin.

Bro, bro. This gets me fucked up.

Nobody knew what Dazai was really thinking.

It’s an unwritten rule in the Mafia to not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. One must never open the door to another’s heart and try to judge them for the darkness tucked within. That was one nice thing about the Mafia.

'...for the darkness tucked within.' With it being the mafia, Odasaku clearly knows that everyone's going through some fucked up shit. And he knows not to stick his nose in other people's business, because he wouldn't want people doing that to him. Except, something is compelling him to get Dazai to open up, to show Odasaku the darkness and seek the help he needs. Once again, crying child analogy.

But maybe, just maybe, that was the wrong approach—or at the very least, when it came to the man sitting next to me. Somebody probably should’ve tied him up, pried his chest open, and stuffed a vacuum cleaner inside. Then, as he screamed and cried until they needed to punch him to shut him up, they’d suck every last bit out of his chest and stamp it into the ground.

'Then, as he screamed and cried until they needed to punch him to shut him up, they'd suck every last bit out of his chest and stamp it into the ground.' Christ, Odasaku. Pretty fucking deep analogy there. But this here just shows us how deeply affected and wounded Oda is by how hurt Dazai is. It also gives us more child-like statements from Oda. The way he describes it here just reminds me of a child. A child, kicking and screaming because whatever is happening to them they do not like. And this is exactly what's happening; he's saying that he knows that Dazai would not appreciate people looking further into his life and soul, and that he would very clearly make a fuss and a protest about it. It also likens it to 'The Time I Picked Up Dazai' (it's such a good read. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest that you do. Also, spoilers ahead for it <3) ~~~ The way it reflects the book is in it, there is a scene in which Oda has to physically restrain Dazai from trying to stab himself with a knife whilst he's grinning like a madman.

~~~

However, my expectation is betrayed once again. I have forgotten about the foreign matter that exists in this house. Dazai, of course. He is more unpredictable than any human I have ever met. For example, if two people are on a three-legged race to the goal, Dazai might just turn around and start running in the opposite direction at a random moment. Or, he can desperately climb a cliff to survive, then all of a sudden, say that he wants to fall off it and die. He is a guy that has strayed too far from the reasons of this world. Our dear Trickster.

Dazai suddenly comes up with the idea that if he jumps out of the door with a gun in his hand, there are chances he can be shot dead by the cops. Oda tells him there is no gun in the house, so he decides to get a knife instead. He rushes into the kitchen, even faster than Oda. The cops outside notice the sound and ask them to open the door.

Oda knows that he has to stop Dazai, if he doesn’t want things to get worse.

I have to stop that. I so want to cry and ask someone to help, but there is no one who can do it but me now.

He jumps up and sweeps Dazai’s legs, making him roll on the floor. He grabs Dazai’s neck, turns behind and gets into a chokehold, trying to choke him unconscious. Dazai, as a result, struggles happily while kicking his legs around. He hits the kitchen cabinet once, twice until Oda hears a sound of something coming off. Oda realizes that those desperate kicks are actually on purpose, and it makes the knife Dazai was trying to grab earlier fall off right to where Oda is. Oda can’t move because he is busy holding Dazai down, so he has to use his ability to predict the track of the knife and barely dodges it. The knife stabs vertically into the floor next to him. He tries to calm Dazai down.

“Be still.” I say, “Don’t struggle. It is not scary. It doesn’t hurt.”

I don’t even know what I’m saying myself.

“You liar! Mori-san said the same thing when he gave me shots.”

Dazai says so and keeps going wild. It means there are other people besides me who are having a hard time with Dazai. Who is this Mori-san again?

Dazai keeps kicking the kitchen stand and this time, it’s the kettle above Oda’s head that’s going to fall.

It is a situation that I have never experienced before. A kettle above my head, a knife next to my face, false money somewhere in my room, cops at my door. And I’m strangling a guy I just barely met.

Oda finally manages to choke Dazai unconscious. He goes “fufu ahaha” before he faints. Oda pulls out the knife next to him and throws it toward the falling kettle, successfully catching it by its handle and having it jammed into the wooden part of the kitchen cabinet. By that time, the cops also manage to kick the door open and step into the room.

~~~

(translation and descriptions by @popopretty ! <333)

This entire scene is so fucking goofy to me and genuinely one of my favourites, but it's also really scary because Dazai just really wants to fucking die. However, after only a few days of knowing him, Oda is growing to care for him and doesn't want him to die. Twice in this extract thing does he try and stop him, and then once more before this when Dazai tries crawling out of the house to go and die outside, to which Odasaku grabs him by his legs, wraps him in a blanket, drags him back to the bed and ties him up. Referring back to Odasaku's analogy to "get the darkness out" of Dazai, this scene is pretty similar to what he said. Dazai is fucking booting the kitchen cabinet to try and stab himself with the knife or get crushed by the kettle, and Oda is doing his damndest to stop him, resorting to strangling him unconscious so that he doesn't keep going fucking insane. Dazai, of course, finds this all highly amusing. To be honest, I might have only just realised that I'm reading it wrong. He was trying to kill himself with the knife first, but then because Oda gets him in a chokehold, he tries to get him off him instead? Man, I don't know. Either way, goofiest scene ever. I love it. But, he's 16 here (I think. I tried working it out, and I think he is. Because in Side B, when he's torturing that guy, he says that he's a PM Executive. And Oda talks about how young he looks, and in the anime/LN talks about the fact that he's known him a fairly long time. I wouldn't say that one year is a long time, but two years yeah. So Dazai's either 17 or 16 when he first meets Oda, and I won't lie, I think 16. ANYWAYS-) and so of course, Oda sees him as a child (which he is). However, despite him watching Dazai age for those two years, he still sees him as a child that he needs to protect, a child that he worries for.

He tries to calm Dazai down.

“Be still.” I say, “Don’t struggle. It is not scary. It doesn’t hurt.”

I don’t even know what I’m saying myself.

“You liar! Mori-san said the same thing when he gave me shots.”

Dazai says so and keeps going wild. It means there are other people besides me who are having a hard time with Dazai. Who is this Mori-san again?

This entire interaction to me seems like a child at the dentist or something. Despite the fact that he's got a kid in a chokehold tryna knock him out, he's reassuring him that it's fine, painless, and that he needs to calm down. Crying. This fucking guy. This whole bit is literally just Oda trying to subdue a kid going off the rails, and even the references to Mori (I will be fucking getting into what Dazai said when I do another analysis thing, don't you fucking worry) and Oda thinking 'It means there are other people besides me who are having a hard time with Dazai.' Problem child fr. Makes me giggle, also makes me sad. Anyways. Odasaku and Dazai's interactions are usually Odasaku letting Dazai be quite child-like, allowing for these things, because he knows that he hasn't been able to have a childhod or be a child. He lets Dazai be who he wants to be in front of him, no judgement. Dazai has many faces for other people, but with Oda, he can just let his guard down that small bit, be more comfortable with him. And Ango. They were like his makeshift parents in the time that he knew them. And then he loses that found family, and so where's that left him now?

“I have this friend who’s supporting several orphans all on his own, you see,” he continued, his weapon still drawn and aimed at the boy. “Akutagawa, I’m sure Odasaku would’ve been patient enough to give you the guidance you needed had he been the one who’d found you on the brink of starvation in the slums. That would have been the ‘right’ thing to do. But ‘righteousness’ doesn’t take very kindly to me. And there’s only one thing people like me do to useless subordinates.”

Okay, this is going to deep Dazai a bit more rather than both Dazai and Oda's relationship. The part about righteousness reminds me of when Chuuya scolded him for shooting the dead body more times than was morally necessary. And he says 'Yeah. That would be the right/normal/ordinary way to think. Of course. Haha.' Dazai has no sense of right or wrong, as Odasaku says. He says to him that he knows he doesn't care about good or bad, and he can never fill that emptiness that he so desperately longs to fill. Dazai isn't like how he is here around Odasaku, because he trusts Odasaku and doesn't need to be intimidating or cold around him. He's allowed to be playful and innocent, and truly try and connect to that child he'd long ago lost and forgotten. And with Ango and Oda both looking out for him, with them two he truly felt like he belonged somewhere, and had people to care for him, despite him not knowing how to handle that or how to cope with it. He doesn't understand why, but he can let himself indulge in it for just a bit. He needs Ango and Oda there for him, and when he loses that, he loses himself. Slowly, he's becoming more and more empty and at a loss with himself for what to do, which is something we don't see from Dazai. Dazai knows everything that is going to happen. He knows everything, and doesn't need to question what he does or what to do next, as he always has his next step planned. However, when Oda dies, we see that facade come crumbling down as for one of the first times, he can't keep his emotions in check and he doesn't know what to do or where to go from here, as the last things he was holding onto in this world have left him, and he's left with nothing but himself and a cavenous hole in his heart where Ango and Oda once sat. That's been ripped from him, and so with his emotions laid bare in front of him as he's forced to confront a distressing situation, he looks to Oda for help. He doesn't know what to do with himself once Oda leaves him, and so he desperately asks Oda to help him. Fuck me, I'm tearing up sorry lmao.

I was in a hospital room. It was clean, ordinary, and as silent as a morgue. Standing firm with his feet apart by the door was a man in a black suit and sunglasses. The moment our eyes met, he silently left, apparently to go get someone.

“Hey, Odasaku. You’re awake now, right? How are you feeling?”

Dazai walked into the room with a cheerful smirk.

Sorry, this is just here because I'd like to point out that Dazai was waiting for him that whole time since he found him, and he had someone guard the door to make sure that nobody would come back for him, I'm guessing. And also he must have told the guy "Ay tell me when he wakes up." And that just really warms my heart and devastates me at the same time <3

Dazai placed a thumb against his lips, then shifted into a thinking position. He didn’t even move an inch for a full minute after that. Only his eyes wavered, following something only he could see. I waited in silence.

Oda's patience with Dazai. Wholesome shit. He fr sat there for a while minute in silence to let Dazai think.

I got out of the bed as I listened. My fingers were still slightly numb, but not enough to bother me during battle.

“Odasaku, don’t tell me you plan on going,” he said as if reprimanding me.

This is one of the moments where we see a more brotherly relationship from the two of them. Dazai is scolding Oda because he's injured and has just been through quite the ordeal, yet he's still standing up and leaaving to go fight and help Dazai's men.

I didn’t answer him; I just opened the door and left. Dazai saw me off without pushing any further. Despite not even exchanging a word, we were thinking the same thing.

Vice versa; Dazai's patience with Oda, and the fact that he doesn't push Odasaku for anything more than he's given him. If Odasaku doesn't want to say anything, Dazai won't pressure him into talking. He won't force him to say anything he doesn't want to. They respect each other, and they understand one another. 'Despite not even exchanging a word, we were thinking the same thing.' They understand each other to such a degree that countless times throughout this arc, they wordlessly communicate with one another, basically read the other's mind or just know what they're thinking, about to say, their plans, etc. It's a very important dynamic that shows their level of trust and their bond.

Now, this is going to be the bit that fucks me up the most, and I will cry whilst writing these bits. Because now we're getting into Oda's death and Dazai's reaction to realising Mori's plans, etc.

“Odasaku!”

I was stopped by a familiar voice the moment I left the restaurant.

“Dazai? What’s wrong?”

Clearly, for Odasaku to ask what was wrong, Dazai must have sounded pretty fucking emotional. Also, Oda, babes, the fuck you mean "what's wrong" as if he's not gonna know?

“Odasaku, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t. Doing that isn’t going to—”

“Isn’t going to bring the kids back?” I asked.

Lost for words, Dazai fell silent. 

Dazai being "lost for words" and "silent" is quite the shock. Dazai always knows what words to say, how to say them, when to say them, etc. He always has some retort or sarcastic reply, and always has to get the last word in. Dazai being at a loss for words shows just how unprecedented this is for him, and how he doesn't know how to cope with it. Once again, he is a lost child, seeking guidance.

“Odasaku…,” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but—don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something… Hey, Odasaku, do you know why I joined the Mafia?”

I stared at him. We had known each other for a long time, but he’d never even attempted to talk about that.

“I joined the Mafia because of an expectation I had. I thought if I was close to death and violence—close to people giving in to their urges and desires, then I would be able to see the inner nature of humankind up close. I thought if I did that…” Dazai paused before continuing, “…I would be able to find something—a reason to live.”

I looked at him; he looked back at me.

“I wanted to be a novelist,” I said. “I thought I wouldn’t deserve such a life if I killed someone during a mission. That’s why I never killed anyone. But that’s all in the past. There’s only one thing I want now.”

“Odasaku!”

I began to walk away. Dazai yelled out, but I didn’t turn around.

First of all;

“Odasaku…,” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but—don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something… Hey, Odasaku, do you know why I joined the Mafia?”

The fact that he asks for forgiveness for his "absurd wording" of don't go. It shows just how much he lacks in understanding others and himself. He thinks that these are the "wrong things" to say, because he's not used to expressing his emotions properly, and he can't articulate how he feels, because he usually feels nothing. He's usually numb and does not give a shit, but here he's completely puzzled and lost because he's feeling too much.

I stared at him. We had known each other for a long time, but he’d never even attempted to talk about that.

Not once. He'd never even brought it up in conversation, or even "attempted" it. He hides himself from the world and those around him in order to guard himself so that he doesn't get hurt or lose the things he cares about, which is why he detaches himself and numbs down everything so that he doesn't care about anyone or anything.

“Odasaku!”

I began to walk away. Dazai yelled out, but I didn’t turn around.

This will fucking kill him. One of my favourite (technically two) scenes in the anime is the parallel's between Dazai reaching out for Oda when he walks away from him, and Oda reaching out for Dazai when he walks away from him, both times one of them is heading towards death and the other is trying to stop them. But they're not close enough, and they're not fast enough. Genuinely, the scenes kill me, because the parallel's are stunning, I won't lie. It's fucking heartbreakingly beautiful.

Dazai strode confidently through the Mafia’s high-rise headquarters downtown at a quick clip, his heels practically scraping off the carpet underfoot. He got on the glass-paneled elevator alone, pressed the button to the top floor, then closed his eyes. When the elevator reached his destination, he opened his eyes again. His gaze was focused on only one thing—the office at the very end of the hallway.

Now, I have a few mini theories about why he closed his eyes, but what I want to focus on is not that. It's his determination and desperation to save Odasaku.

“Boss.” Dazai cut him off. “You know why I’m here, don’t you?”

The fucking Boss of the Port Mafia. Yet, Dazai has no time for games. He has no time for Mori's bullshit antics, he needs to save Odasaku. That is his number one priority right now.

Taken by surprise, Dazai fell silent. Even he felt as if he were walking on fine blades whenever he talked with Ougai. If he made just one little mistake, he could fall off the path. After pondering to himself for a moment, Dazai said, “I need permission to form a small team of executive-level skill users to attack Mimic headquarters and rescue Odasaku.”

He cannot afford to mess this up, because Oda needs him. Once again, Dazai is taken by surprise and sent into silence, which is extremely odd and rare for him to do so. He is clearly nervous about talking to Mori already, on top of the added pressure of Odasaku's life in his hands right now.

Dazai stared back at the boss without breaking eye contact for even a moment. Ougai’s narrowed eyes harbored a tinge of cleverness, as if they could see into his heart. It was the same kind of light that was once in Dazai’s eyes when he looked upon his enemies or allies.

Enemy or ally regardless, Dazai saw everyone the same. He had no time to be concerned with other people, especially as he isn't even concerned for himself. So, again like I said, he numbs himself to these things. He makes it so that he doesn't feel, and so that should an unfortunate situation come to pass, he's not affected by it by harbouring fondness for other people. Which is why it says "was the same kind", not "is the same kind", because Odasaku has changed him. Oda is neither friend nor foe; he's family. He's the most important thing in Dazai's life. He's a sole figure, there for him. A true father figure, someone to raise him properly, unlike Mori. Dazai realises this; as we see here, Dazai is no longer interested in anything anymore. He has grown tired even of the Port Mafia, and he certainly doesn't hold Mori in high regard as he once kind of did.

“Odasaku is currently scouting the enemy headquarters alone,” Dazai said, keeping his emotions in check. “I sent an emergency response team of Mafia members to the area, but it isn’t nearly enough. At this rate, we are going to lose a valuable skill user.”

"Keeping his emotions in check." He's not lowering his guard down in front of Mori. He won't show him his true face. But right now, he's desperate. He wants Odasaku saved, and he will do whatever it takes.

 “Of course, he’s a dear ally of ours, but is he worth sending executive-level men to the front line to save?”

“Yes,” Dazai confidently declared. “Of course he is.”

Ougai fell silent. He looked at Dazai, who looked straight back at him. It was an eloquent silence. The two men understood the other’s state of mind and how they would counter.

Dazai is prepared to risk his life for Oda, and Mori sees this, using it to his advantage. He sees just how much Dazai cares about Odasaku and manipulates the whole thing behind the scenes. And the zero hesitation from Dazai when he says it. "The two understood the other's state of mind and how they would counter." Once again, Mori has raised Dazai to be so much like him that they understand each other and a far more complex level than ordinary people. Also, this line just shows that Mori sees how fragile Dazai's state of mind is at the present time, his desperation to save his friend.

“…Dazai.” It was Ougai who put an end to the wordless debate. “Let me ask you this. I understand your plan, but in all likelihood, Oda doesn’t want help. What do you think about that?”

Dazai tried to answer, but he could not find the words to say. 

Dazai knows Oda best. He knows that it's true, but nothing is going to stop him from trying. Still, he's trying to articulate his words, which he isn't doing too well at.

 Dazai’s eyes were inadvertently locked on the envelope. Suddenly, he caught his breath.

“This envelope—”

Something began to thrash and flicker in the back of Dazai’s mind. It gradually turned into physical shaking, causing his head to go numb.

“I see.” Dazai managed to squeeze out just those two words, his face deathly pale. “So that’s what this is.”

Then he turned on his heel and put his back to Ougai.

“If you’ll excuse me.”

“Where are you going?” Ougai asked.

“To Odasaku.”

Now this is the part that really gets me.

With just one measly glance, Dazai has seen Mori's plan, beginning to end. Which is why he's so eager to leave, because he knows that Mori is planning to let this end with/in Oda's death. And the part that really gets me emotional is 'Something began to thrash and flicker in the back of Dazai’s mind. It gradually turned into physical shaking, causing his head to go numb.' We've never seen such a visceral reaction from Dazai before (with the exception of Oda's death.), with him physically shaking and his mind racing. Man's is fucking trembling, because he knows everything in that moment. And he can't bear it. Dazai, who usually has a tight hold of his emotions, cannot keep his grip on them no more, when it comes to Odasaku. Oda is so important to him, and Dazai realises that soon there is a high chance of him losing that.

Dazai calmly stared at the guns pointed in his direction.

“You still haven’t had any tea, Dazai,” Ougai said. “Come—have a seat.”

Dazai didn’t even budge. A guard in a black suit slipped to his side, then pointed the automatic rifle’s muzzle right at his head.

“Odasaku’s waiting for me.”

“Sit.”

All that is going through his head right now is Odasaku. He can't think of anything else, he doesn't have time for that. He can't afford to think about anything but the plan of action to save him.

“Dazai.” Ougai, who had been listening in silence, cut Dazai off for the first time. “What remarkable inference. There is nothing that needs correcting. I have just one thing I’d like to ask: What’s wrong with that?”

“……”

This is one of our first hints towards Dazai showing a hint of compassion for other people, because he now knows what it's like when you have someone that you love.

"So why are you so angry?”

Dazai didn’t say a word. That was just about the first time he’d ever been unable to articulate his feelings.

“I…”

—“There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.”

—“Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream.”

“I just…” His voice came out strained. “I just don’t get it. You were the one who tipped Mimic off about the orphans’ safe house. No one else could’ve found out about the location I chose. You killed those kids to get Odasaku to fight Mimic’s leader because he is the only one who can defeat him.”

“My answer is the same, Dazai. I will do anything for the benefit of the organization. Besides, we are the Port Mafia. We have always brought darkness, violence, and cruelty to this city. Why is that a problem now?”

This scene is also another scene that really gets me fucking devastated. We have never seen Dazai like this. Strained voice, unable to speak, and seeming timid and meek. Here is the child that Oda sees when he looks at Dazai; lost, wandering and alone. He can't say what he feels, he doesn't know how to. He knows nothing but to numb himself from these things to not get hurt. "I just don't get it." Dazai doesn't understand, which is scary for him. He's not used to it, and he doesn't like it. He wants to save Odasaku, and the one time he needs to be clever and think about it, he's unable to, because he doesn't know what's going on.

Dazai knew. He knew Ougai’s calculations, his mentality, and the rationale behind the plan. That was just the kind of organization the Port Mafia was. Logically speaking, Ougai was right, and Dazai was wrong.

“But…”

He turned on his heel, then began walking toward the door. Immediately, Ougai’s guards pointed their guns at him.

“You cannot go, Dazai,” Ougai called out to stop him. “Stay. Or do you have a logical reason for going to him?”

He wants to get to Odasaku. He doesn't care if he betrays Mori's orders; Odasaku comes first. He knows the logic behind it, yet he doesn't care. Morally, Dazai is right, and that's probably a first.

Ougai grinned. “True. However, you wouldn’t gain anything by disobeying me and going to him, either. Am I wrong?”

“That’s the second thing I wanted to say, Boss. There’s nothing in it for me. There’s only one reason why I’m going. Because he is my friend. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

The guards placed their fingers on the triggers. However, Dazai paid them no mind and simply strolled to the door as if he were going for a walk. 

Again, he is not assed. This is the first time Dazai has openly admitted to having a friend, or any kind of relation. Which is what makes it hurt more; because the second he acknowledges it, he loses it. 'There's nothing in it for me.' He's not doing this out of personal gain, like Mori does, he's doing it because he doesn't want to lose somebody important to him.

“Odasaku!”

Dazai rushed into the building and over to the ballroom, passing the myriad of corpses through the corridors along the way. When he burst through the oak doors, he saw his friend lying on the ground.

“Odasaku!”

Despite the chance of there being soldiers lurking, waiting to kill him, or the chance that Gide was still alive and would kill him, he continues to search for Odasaku. And when he finds him, fuck, it's not very pleasant. God, I'm going to cry.

“Dazai…”

Dazai rushed over to Odasaku, then checked his wounds. The bullet had pierced Odasaku’s chest, and a vast pool of blood had collected on the floor. It was clear that the wound was fatal.

“You’re such an idiot, Odasaku. The biggest idiot I know.”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t have to do this. You didn’t have to die.”

“I know.”

Odasaku smirked with that particular satisfaction of accomplishing something worth the cost.

“Dazai… There’s something I want to say.”

This shit hurted.

“Don’t. Stop. We might still be able to save you. No, we will save you. So don’t say such—”

“Listen.” Odasaku wrapped his blood-soaked hand around Dazai’s. “You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a reason to live…”

“Yeah, I said that. I did. But what difference does that—?”

“You won’t find it,” Odasaku said in almost a whisper. Dazai stared at him.

Dazai is trying to convince himself that everything will be fine, that they will save Odasaku. He's determined; he won't let him die on him like this. And Dazai doesn't care about anything else but him right now.

“You should know that. Whether you’re on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity.”

—“Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream.”

That was when Dazai first realized: Sakunosuke Oda understood him much more than he’d ever imagined—right up to his very heart, almost to the center of his mind. Dazai didn’t realize until then that someone had known him so well.

For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted from the bottom of his heart to know something. He asked the man before him:

“Odasaku… What should I do?”

OKAY NOW THIS.

This is one of the most important parts; because Dazai finally found someone who understood him. Nobody has gotten further in understanding him than Odasaku has, and the fact that he realises this just before he dies is what makes his death hit even harder. And the fact that, at this last moment, Dazai seeks guidance from the man in his arms. Because once he's gone, he has nobody left. Nothing. And just at this last moment, Dazai "wanted from from the bottom of his heart to know something". We see Dazai continuously dehumanise himself, not seeing himself as an actual person half the time. He believes that he is heartless, cold, and cruel. Yet, here, we see that Oda has had a strong impact on him; he's made him realise that maybe he does have something there. Also, where it says "almost to the center of his mind". Dazai's mind is just impenetreable, yet Oda has gotten the farthest. That alone is a feat in itself, and Dazai realises just how close they are, and how much Oda really, truly understands him on a personal level.

“Be on the side that saves people,” Odasaku replied. “If both sides are the same, then choose to become a good person. Save the weak, protect the orphaned. You might not see a great difference between right and wrong, but…saving others is something just a bit more wonderful.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. I know better than anyone else.”

Dazai gazed into Odasaku’s eyes and saw a glow of conviction.

It was clear that those words were supported by some sort of strong basis. Whether it was past experience or someone’s advice—Odasaku was trying to show Dazai the path he himself had once tried to walk. Dazai knew that.

That was why he could bring himself to believe it.

“…Okay. I will.”

“‘People live to save themselves. It’s something they realize right before they die,’ huh…? He was…right…” The color in Odasaku’s face gradually disappeared until he was almost completely pale. He smiled. “I could really go for some of that curry…”

With trembling fingers, Odasaku reached for the cigarettes in his pocket before sluggishly placing one in his mouth. By the time he pulled out a match, his fingers were too weak to hold it anymore. Dazai took the match and lit the cigarette for him. Then Odasaku closed his eyes, smoking the cigarette as he smiled, filled to the brim with satisfaction.

The cigarette fell to the ground.

Dropping onto his knees by Odasaku’s side, Dazai looked up to the ceiling and closed his eyes. His tightly shut lips faintly trembled. The smoke from the cigarette rose straight up to the top.

Nobody said a word.

Now, here;

"...but…saving others is something just a bit more wonderful.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. I know better than anyone else.”

Dazai gazed into Odasaku’s eyes and saw a glow of conviction.

It was clear that those words were supported by some sort of strong basis. Whether it was past experience or someone’s advice—Odasaku was trying to show Dazai the path he himself had once tried to walk. Dazai knew that.

I personally think that this is Oda saying that he tried to save Dazai. And that how far Dazai has come is something that he should be proud of, and something that is "beautiful" about Dazai, something which he really wouldn't ever fucking use to describe himself. And the fact that he trusts Oda's words, he believes them truly, because he loves him and he knows. He fucking knows that those words hold weight, and that Dazai is going to uphold his promise to him. He's going to do whatever it takes to keep Oda alive in whatever way possible after death, and honour his memory, and give him a life that he wanted to have but never got to.

In the middle of a verdant mountain trail atop a hill overlooking Yokohama was a cemetery with a view of the ocean. There were many new graves lined up—among them a small white burial marker without a name.

Dazai stood before the burial marker, dressed in black mourning clothes and holding a bouquet of white flowers.

“……”

He squinted as the strong sea breeze suddenly gusted past. The white flowers fluttered in the wind.

“I’ll leave this photo here.”

He took out a picture and placed it before the burial marker. Frozen in time were the smiles of those three men.

“I really wish you could’ve tried that hard tofu I made…”

Dazai closed his eyes, then stood absolutely still, rooted to the spot.

Now, my guess here is that this is where Dazai went when he abandoned the mission for the PM so suddenly, especially as Akutagawa is off fighting some people.

“I really wish you could’ve tried that hard tofu I made…”

Remembering the little things, the small conversations that they had and treasuring them, despite the tofu being Dazai trying to kill himself again. Some sort of twisted, dark humour maybe. And the fact that he's stood deadly still, unmoving. I honestly think he's afraid. He's afraid that if he moves too much, or shows even a hint of emotion, it will all come fucking storming out in a whirlwind of painful fucking memories, feelings, etc. And he doesn't want that.

Right, I am so fucking sorry about the length of this one. It is currently 3:22 AM and I'm on the verge of tears watching The Dark Era episodes whilst writing this. I started this shit at 20 past 12. I am so fucking sorry.

In conclusion, one of the most important relationships (I think) is that of Odasaku and Dazai, as it gives us much more insight into the both of their characters, and how each of them affect one another and the fact that they're each the only one caring for the other person. Ango, yes, but Oda and Dazai are just kind of on another level of friendship, despite how close they are with Ango.

There are (surprisingly) a lot more things I wanted to say, but I decided against it so that it wouldn't be too long. Well, longer than it already is. If you couldn't tell, I'm quite passionate on this subject.

Anyways, if you've read this far somehow, I hope you have a lovely day/night! <333

[amethystroselily]

considering that dazai isn’t one to show his emotions, it was very surprising for me to see him acknowledge his connection with chuuya. do you think that will affect their dynamic later on?

we’ve seen him be emotional with oda, but he died immediately after, so they didn’t have to live together with that interaction in mind. the only person that knows what happened is dazai, so there’s no risk of someone continuously being able to see past his masks, but (assuming chuuya is alive) that’s not the case this time. chuuya now knows how dazai feels, and i feel like that fact will make dazai uncomfortable.

I was SO surprised when I first saw that scene too! Honestly I was convinced Dazai didn’t care about Chuuya at all until fifteen and even then I was skeptical (but that may have just been bc I was 14-15 at the time and perhaps not the best at picking up on subtext or just… things not being directly told told to the audience…) But like, obviously he does. He just hates acknowledging that he has feelings.

Considering Asagiri’s writing style, I’m not entirely sure the story will fully acknowledge the emotional ramifications of that scene, but I hope it does.

Honestly I think Dazai will just pretend that it never happened and will continue to treat Chuuya exactly like he always has. Because he hates emotionally vulnerability. And because he was already like “jk I hope you die 💕” after he said all that. So I guess it really depends on Chuuya and whether he even remembers that whole speech when he wakes up. Because I’m not entirely sure how the vampires work and if their even conscious during the time they’re under the ability, but I’m going to be a little annoyed if Chuuya doesn’t remember any of that. (Although it is really funny that Sigma will either way.)

But if he does remember, it’s going to be so awkward for the both of them. Chuuya will probably just tell him it was a weird and then perhaps some awkward tense silence and then they’ll go back to normal. Honestly I think Chuuya might be pissed about it, because Dazai’s finally showing some level of ability to care for him right now after… everything. So I imagine it’s very emotionally conflicting.

I guess it depends on how their relationship progressed between Stormbringer and the Dark Era. Because in Stormbringer Chuuya seems to believe Dazai genuinely does not care about him or anyone, while Dazai demonstrates throughout that entire book that while he’s willing to let Chuuya get hurt (both physically and emotionally) he does really care about Chuuya in his own fucked up way. Which I think is how most of Dazai’s relationships are, besides, like, Odasaku (but that was a really unique relationship for Dazai and it’s kind of the only time he let himself care. I think it’s bc Oda was the only person who, idk, seemed to like him? I guess). Because despite constantly manipulating him himself, he does seem to care greatly about Chuuya’s autonomy. You can see it with his reactions to the sheep and his reactions to Verlaine. (Which is kind of insane actually… like is it a “only I can do this” hypocrisy thing or is it something Dazai wishes he didn’t have to do but thinks is justified?) But also the moment he steps away, delaying a plan, to let Chuuya think over a major decision is actually really considerate coming from Dazai. (But I can’t tell if that’s related to Chuuya specifically or the situation in general. I feel like if it had been someone he didn’t know as well he’d just make them do it, but it’s entirely possible that the idea of losing your last chance to find out if your human is something he finds particularly heartbreaking. Who really knows.) Anyways Chuuya seems to have come to care about Dazai more now than in stormbringer. Because he seems more, like, genuinely concerned about Dazai in the manga than in stormbringer. But that would make sense, bc it seems like they were paired up more after that. So I think a lot of their relationship did develop between stormbringer and Dark Era. (This entire paragraph might be pointless now that I think about it. I… kind of forgot what I was trying to say I think…)

[astreetcarnamedwynn]

U V W X :chinhands:

This took much longer than expected. I should have expected it though because I always write too much. Thank you so much for the ask, @dottie-wan-kenobi! I enjoyed getting the chance to ponder and flail about fandom!

U - 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms

Persona 5: Goro Akechi. My poor little meow meow. His duality fascinates me: who he presents himself to be vs. who he really is, who he wanted to be as a child vs. who he has become now. His slow realization that he’s merely the puppet of more powerful forces in the game (Shido, Yaldabaoth (though he doesn’t quite know this), and Maruki) is heartbreaking, as are the choices that he makes to break free from that control.  

Yuri on Ice: Yuuri Katsuki. He is so important to me. He’s so wrapped up in his head, striving for acknowledgement, for success, for Victor, that he doesn’t see his own talent or how bright of a light that he is. His blossoming over the course of the show is lovely. I desperately wish for a season two of the show (or the long delayed movie) because I want to see more of Yuuri’s journey to discover life and love.

Bungou Stray Dogs: Nakahara Chuuya. I am in aesthetic lust with his design. There’s just something about it that calls to me. The red hair, the jaunty hat, the even jauntier grin, the choker and the coat. He’s a pintsized powerhouse and so achingly human (despite his less than human origins). His dynamic with Dazai is fascinating, and I wish we got to see more of him in the anime & manga.

Final Fantasy XV: Prompto Argentum. See above re: Nakahara Chuuya being so achingly human despite his origins. See above re: Yuuri Katsuki and his anxiety and lack of belief in himself. See above re: Goro Akechi and the power of Robbie Daymond as a voice actor. He’s an anxious ball of sunshine just trying to keep up with royalty, and I love how he helps Noctis to feel human, despite the literal weight of the world on his shoulders.

Game of Thrones: Sansa Stark. Sansa for queen. I found her story the most compelling in the show (it’s been too long since I’ve read the books for me to comment on them). She has such a hard, relentless reality check. The little songbird is nearly crushed by the cruelty of the world, but she finds a way to survive in the figurative lion’s den, without any physical or mystical prowess. She should have been Queen of all Westeros at the end, not just Queen of the North.

V - 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms

Persona 5: Goro Akechi x Akira Kurusu (Ren Amamiya). Because, to paraphrase Hegel, advancement cannot occur without both thesis and antithesis. Because they are two sides of the same coin. Because in other circumstances they could have been great rivals, maybe even friends. Because Akira is the one person that Goro refuses to lose to. Because Akira held on to the glove. Because Goro being alive & his real, angry, jaded self is Akira’s greatest wish.

Avatar: Katara x Zuko. Because one rises with the moon and the other rises with the sun. Because Katara offered to heal his scar. Because Zuko went with her to find her mother’s killer. Because Katara went with him to confront his sister. Because Zuko threw himself in front of lightning to protect Katara.

 Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy and Spike. Because they are my first online OTP. Because Spike would rather be fighting her (and because the feeling is mutual). Because Spike knows that he’s a monster, but Buffy treats him like a man. Because Buffy asked him to stay. Because Spike made a promise to a lady. Because 147 days yesterday and 148 days today. 

W - 5 favorite ships and 5 kinks you like best for said ships

Yuri on Ice: Victor x Yuuri. Yuuri & his stamina just wrecking Victor

Trigun Stampede: Vash x Wolfwood. Wolfwood calling Vash ‘angel’

Bungou Stray Dogs: Dazai x Chuuya. Emotional honesty 

Game of Thrones: Jon x Sansa. Jon going down on Sansa like a champ

Persona 5: Goro x Akira. Philosophical debates as foreplay

X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM

Yuri on Ice: Yuri Plisetsky

Persona 5: Yusuke Kitagawa

The Untamed: Wei Wuxian

My Hero Academia: Todoroki Shouto

Fruits Basket: Tohru Honda

Trigun Stampede: Vash

Howl’s Moving Castle: Sophie Hatter

Breath of the Wild: Sidon

Bungou Stray Dogs: (tie) Akutagawa Ryuunosuke & Atsushi Nakajima

[bethiewhimsy]

nobody:

absolutely not a single soul:

me: okay but what if i write a song from akutagawa’s perspective and it’s just an angry, emotional mess because he finally snapped at dazai like what if i did that what then

[thebgcharacter]

Storm Bringer spoilers and a lot of fancy cursing!! I will be screaming into the void about Rimbaud and Verlaine. Just... them. Either them separately or them together, idk where this rant is going-

I want to say I hate Verlaine but come on- he’s been painted the bad guy all throughout and in some okay a lot of ways, he is but DAMN IT I CAN’T HATE HIM. It’s the same with Dazai- he’s just morally grey, at least to me, announcing he’s there to save Chuuya, proceeding to kill Chuuya’s friends, then we get this flashback with him and Rimbaud with him trying to convince Rimbaud that they should let the kid- referring to Chuuya- live in a farm instead of let him be self aware of his own upbringing.

HOW in the flaming depths of hell, blinding lights of heaven and dark pits of everything in-between CAN I HATE HIM FOR THAT?

Head’s up to anyone who does read this, I’m not trying to convince you to un-hate/ un-dislike him for me, I’m just saying AAAAAAAAAAA he’s such a good character, coming from a writing perspective, and in a lot of ways he reminds me of Dazai. His whole extremely self-aware, not really feeling out of place but still so, so isolated, thing going on for him. Plus the wanting to protect Chuuya’s humanity, a goal they both share. I’m just- frustrated.

HE DID NOT DESERVE THAT holy Arahabaki, if anything I’m furious at N, and I will gladly let Guivre and Arahabaki burn the living shit out of him but sadly that’s not what happened.

BACK TO THE MAIN MEN OF MY RANT, Verlaine and Rimbaud.

First off, let me applaud Asagiri for making these partner pairings because damnit my mentally ill brain can’t help but ship them and shipping also means getting my rightful doses of happy hormones because damnit(2) I don’t have the luxury to feel those often.

So Rimbaud, I didn’t like him. I’ll be honest about that. Anyone who wants to harm Chuuya, I decided on my first watch of BSD, is not getting my approval, but I think I dug into it too much and now I can’t not like him too, which explains my use of past tense lmao. This opinion was influenced by fandom, I’m a very gullible and easy-to-convince person, and official art did not help. I love/hate how Rimbaud could have been to Chuuya what Mori is to Dazai. The aesthetic does not negate the toxicity of the relationship, but will my brain see it for what it really is instead of picking apart the concepts I love? No.

Getting sidetracked is my specialty lmao I know so moving on- it’s kind of heartbreaking to know how Rimbaud was the only one to ground Verlaine, to make him feel human even though Verlaine rejected his advances or faced them with nothing but blankness. The spell, the hat, the reassurance that Verlaine was already human. It just- oh gods, it hit a bit too close to home.

Verlaine on the other hand, I knew I’d like just from sheer instinct. The concept of him being Chuuya’s brother, of being a fellow otherworldly entity, those were enough to keep me reeling and rooting for him. That doesn’t excuse his barbaric excuses, leaving corpses in his wake, those of Chuuya’s offish affection no less. But those do make his character all the more easy to hate, all the more reason to make him, as a whole, a great character.

You might ask, “Hana, how does that make him a great character?”, well, dear reader, it's already in the core of how he was written.

If I remember correctly, after Germany got a hold that ability singularities can reside in a single vessel instead of two, France took the lead with the experiments and got Verlaine out of it. Ability singularities are all about having two opposing powers combining and coexisting in one another to come to be, and since Verlaine is the perfect outcome of France’s experiments, it goes to show that he is a singularity.

He exists with opposing ideas, contradictory actions, it makes him a complex character because that’s exactly how complex characters are written, and he’s characterized in a way that shows he thinks his actions are correct.

I don’t know, I’m just eyeballing, coming from someone who cannot take the hint and has to shake their skull to understand subtext, but that’s how I see him.

Okay so the point of this whole thing is to... just let out my anger because 1) Rimbaud could’ve been a really good character for Chuuya’s development, 2) I’m pissed we most likely won’t get to see how Rimbaud and Verlaine worked together as partners and 3) they’re both dead.

I think I’ve said this already but kudos to Asagiri for making it so damn easy to ship the partners of Bungo Stray Dogs. Like, for real, I cannot stop thinking about the hefty assortment of dynamics that all have the same component of having one or both parties involved in wanting to kill the other, simply either for the sake of; for the sake of their own opposing stances, or have already killed the other person!

Let me side track for a bit lmao, so Zenki Soukoku tried to kill each other because of Yosano, because Mori's plan "lacked heart" and Fukuzawa "forgot there's no room for heart in times of war". Soukoku has Dazai wanting to kill himself and Chuuya wanting to kill him just because. Shin Soukoku literally have a vow to fight each other to death. In Fyolai, Nikolai wants to kill Fyodor and Fyodor's probably got that laid out in his plan. Poe spent actual years trying to perfect a story that'll trap Ranpo forever, which is the equivalent to a rather poetic and macabre death in a literal book. OGURI SUCCEEDED IN KILLING YOKOMIZO. I'm willing to bet Natsume had some sort of friend/rival like that as well but they're already dead in the timeline (I'll die on this hill, yes).

Three points should be taken from this.

I should never be allowed to write abt just one thing, no we're taking everything down with us

Asagiri is a damn good writer.

I love Paul x Verlaine, among a shit ton of other partners in this franchise.

Thank you and goodbye ❣️

[thefandomsurfer]

Another top 10 couple list

Just as any of my other top tens-These are just my favorite couples! Thats literally it. Im not dismissing your ships or anything like that. ^^ Ive done this before and as such will only be doing my NEWER ships that I’ve come to ship since then.  

(One million)Honorable mentions:

Touka and Kaneki-(Tokyo ghoul-Tokyo ghoul Re:)

Midoriya and Todoroki-(My hero academia)

Catra and Scorpia-(She ra and the princesses of power)

Rose and The Doctor-(Doctor Who)

Crowley and Aziraphale-(Good Omens)

Mikasa and Eren-(Attack on Titan)

Dazai and Chuuya-(Bungou Stray Dogs)

Homura and Madoka-(Puella Madoka Magica-Rebellion) 

Ladybug and Chat Noir-(Miraculous Ladybug)

 Mirai and Akihito (Beyond the Boundary)

10. Catra and Adora-(She Ra and the Princesses of Power)

Childhood friends to rivals to enemies. It has so many different tropes that its crazy. They have this chemistry thats just...unbeatable. Even though they are enemies at this point its still...there. They are the Sole reason I got into this show and one of the main reasons I stick with it. Though I put them so low on the list because they need to grow more healthy before I really really get into it. They have so much potential and room for growth.

9.  Atsushi and Kyouka-(Bungou Stray Dogs)

Just two cinnamon rolls in love. Thats about all I can say about them. I think they have a really deep bond and trust in one another. His drive to want to help her and her need to protect him Its just really cute to watch. His anguish when he thought she died and his relief and happiness when she wasnt-It tugged at my heart. I know most people prefer my honorable mention as opposed to this one but...I just really, really love their dynamic.

8. Ymir and Historia

Ahh, they are just so. Heartbreaking and...beautiful. Ymirs love for Historia is so refreshing in such a dark show. This pairing made me fall in love with it so quickly and then later on it was so beautifully executed...Ymir being the one that made Historia become her true self and be honest with everyone and Historia being the reason Ymir cared for others made be love this couple so much. And dont even get me started on Ymirs letter to her. I dont need to open that box of tissues.

7. Marinette and Chat Noir (Miraculous Ladybug)

I just perfer this dynamic over most of the others in this show. I dont know why? I just do haha. I guess because he thinks he needs to protect Marinette but in reality she is strong enough to take care of herself? And the fact I just like Chat Noirs personality better with Marinette. Its fun to see. 

6. Kyoko and Sayaka (Puella Madoka Magica)

Ahh, The red and blue gays. Its no secret this is a thing. Their will be spoilers here if you havnt watched the anime!! I highly suggest it!! They butt heads, taunt, tease, and would gladly punch each other. But they also understand each other in a way no one else does. Kyoko opened up to Sayaka. She...didnt do that for any of the other characters. And then she died trying to save her soul. And when Sayaka and Kyoko both came back in another timeline Sayaka admitted to having one regret. And It was leaving Kyoko behind.  Its just...so good.

5. Gon and Killua (Hunter x Hunter 2011)

This is a couple that Im content with staying as a brotp or otp. They are both young-To young for this to be anything but pure fluff to me. They trust each other so, so much and would die protecting one another. They also have angst-A lot of it but Im not going to spoil it for anyone who might not know. I will say I just started liking them together just because of how sugery sweet they are usually. Killua is highly protective over Gon, as he was his first friend. And Gon has such a high trust in Killua its amazing. I just think they are too precious for this world. Platonic or otherwise.

4. Mika and Yuu (Owari no Seraph)

Ahh, My gay bois. My gay demon and Vampire due. They are just. So. perfect together??? Its weird how fast I shipped it?? Mika and Yuu has such a deep bond and good chemistry its amazing. I litterally saw them in the first episode and started to ship them. Mikas strong protective instinct over ‘Yuu-chan’ and Yuus despair over having to leave Mika behind was just...great. And Yuu offering his blood to Mika and immediate acceptance was heartwarming...I love them together so much.

3.Mutsuki and Urie-(Tokyo Ghoul Re:)

Alright now were getting to the controversial one. Im not so sure if this is a loved or hated pairing-But I know Mutsuki is a fairly disliked character. I personally love him and think hes an extremely interesting character to read and study. And his relationship with Urie being one of the prime reasons I love him. Urie and Mutsuki have had a ongoing bond since the auction raid and it just seemed to grow more and more apparent to me that Urie seemed to have romantic feelings towards Mutsuki. Mutsuki seems to see Urie as a source of comfort and security as he opens up to him the most out of everyone else. And not to mention Urie gets...very protective over Mutsuki as seen above and in other scenarios. I just really love them together.

2. Glenn and Maggie (The Walking Dead)

I stopped watching this show a long time ago-However this couple always stuck out to me and gave me hope. I loved Glenn and I loved Maggie and I loved them together. Such a loving and supportive relationship. They gave such a bleak show some hope and love. We got to see them going from nothing to sex partners to having a relationship and, eventually, a marriage. And then a pregnancy. It was amazing to watch and I still love it to this day.

1. The Doctor and Clara (Doctor who)

Another controversial one I think? I loved Clara. She is my favorite companion by a long shot. I loved her storylines. I loved her with both of the doctors. She had such a good chemistry with the eleventh doctor it was unbeatable. And the way she had to learn to relove the twelfth one was just...both angsty and cute. They both clearly loved her-At least in my opinion.  And she loved them as well. The way the Doctor fought to bring her back when the Raven got her and the way He jumped in his own timestream to save her it just summented this couple as my favorite one out of all the new ones I shipped.

Thats about it for now!! I’ll probably make another one of these once I watch more shows or ship a lot of new characters~ Thanks for reading and see y’all later! <33

[sevildea]

A :)

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed

To answer shortly: HuaLian(TGCF), ZhuiLing(MDZS), MoShang(SVSSS), Soukoku(BSD), GureShin(Owari no Seraph)

To elaborate:

HuaLian: I know that it is basically the motto of the fandom that “HuaLian created love” and yes, they did. Their dynamic is just simply so balanced, they complete each other: the God that has only one worshipper left and the Ghost King whose only purpose in life is to protect and show his god that he is worthy of love and care. He waited 800 years to finally approach the one person he admired the most and he had the powers to protect him. I feel like they are the most realistic out of all the main couples in the MXTX novels, mostly because both of them are functional adults (yes they are) and their relationship is built on the mutual trust and respect they have for the other. Catch me in the corner to cry about HuaLian any hour of any day. 

ZhuiLing: While I really like WangXian, no matter how hard I try, I can’t push down the adoration of the form of purest love. ZhuiLing for me is like a refreshing little rest in the middle of a bumpy road. They have been through so much, yet they are still standing strong, not only for themselves, but the people around them. Jin Ling’s love and adoration for his parents - that he doesn’t even remember anymore - is heartbreaking, his whole existence just screams that he doesn’t know how to show his feelings and is awkward to act around people that he could call his friends. Sizhui is just the sweetheart that embraces this little broken hearted boy and fixes him, shows him the love that neither of them were truly shown before. The pure and clumsy first puppy love just sweeps me away. 

MoShang: The idiot writer and his ideal man in the form of an ice demon. They are both clueless idiots and I love them so much. Nuff said. (I just HC them to be a soft and cuddly couple, SQH enjoying his personal A/C and MBJ being happy that his lover is happy.)

Soukoku: Catch me screaming about height difference couples. Okay so this was the couple that actually got me so deep into fandom hell that you can’t even imagine. I love them because Chuuya is just a ball of anger towards Dazai, who is basically the only person that can make him act differently, make him fall out of his everyday routine of killing and death and break the spell of Chuuya feeling like a killing machine, because Dazai indirectly shows him that he still has his emotions. Calculating shithead x Smol, angry but strong boy. Good shit. 

GureShin: They just have had a special place in my heart for years now because of Shinya existing and being a soft boy. Guren is just someone that only looks at one person and chases after them, while Shinya has always stood behind him, supporting from the shadows wherever the other went. And I just simply adore the fact that he made Guren go from “I don’t need friends, fuck off” to “Hey, I basically destroyed the world for my friends”. 

I forced myself to only include one couple from each series, because I don’t want to put anyone through a whole post of me screaming about all the TGCF couples. Like, I ship them all. All. 

even though I might do a post like that later

[fy-soukoku]

hiiiii!! i was wondering... why exactly do u love soukoku so much??? i love them too! and when i see ur posts they make me feel rlly happy! but i recently read someone's post saying they thought soukoku's partnership was toxic & unbalanced & i was just ???? like ?? ??? i mean i can get why they think that (we've gotten like,, 0 canon information on them when they were partners) but what about how well they work together? the amount of trust we've seen? idk man it just made me feel a bit ://

I am so sorry you saw that! Honestly, I don’t understand why people feel the need to post ship hate?? Like, it makes other people happy, do you really need to be that petty? Some people are just… stupid. And annoying. And very immature. I am so sorry :(

Here’s why I love Soukoku, my friends.

Well, I loved Chuuya at first sight. And when he showed the audience that he could one-up Dazai like that if he wanted to, I knew that there was some good chemistry there. Maybe not shippy, at least not for me, but it was getting there. 

And then Dazai responds in turn, countering Chuuya’s quips and attacks with such familiarity that you have to wonder how well they know each other. Even fighting, they work fluidly, guessing the other’s attack before it can even start. I love that dynamic, because it shows how well they know each other. Inside and out, even if they deny it.

But I suppose that I really fell in love with it at about this point:

More specifically, the smile that Dazai has on when Chuuya passes out.

I know everyone screams over the fact that he finds his clothes and folds them all up, but there’s something so tender about this moment that gets me every time.

More so because he acts so… I don’t, disgusted by Chuuya for most of the time. From what we’ve seen of Dazai, if he approves of you, you’re going to know. I mean, Atsushi knows when Dazai approves. Hell, Akutagawa knows that Dazai doesn’t hate him.

But he continues to tell Chuuya that he dislikes him, is tired of him, doesn’t want to work with him, when we all know very well that if Dazai doesn’t want to do anything, he doesn’t want to do it.

And I think that just shows he really does care about Chuuya? Because just… the way he acts around him. When Chuuya doesn’t really seem to notice, Dazai looks so fond of him, like he’s something to be treasured. And when Chuuya does notice, you have moments like this:

and this:

Which looks less like purposefully being an ass just to hurt Chuuya and more of a, “Wow, you look cute when you’re angry or when you make that face so I’m going to provoke you in the only way I know how because I don’t want you to know I still care about you.”

And then on Chuuya’s side, we have moments like this:

You can’t see Chuuya’s face in this gif, but just how… terrified he looks? Like losing Dazai is more than losing a partner. Like losing a lover almost. 

Because the absolute trust and respect that Chuuya obviously has for Dazai still remains, even if Dazai is a supposed traitor. Which gets me thinking, even if he is sour about Dazai leaving the Port Mafia, maybe it hit a little closer to home than that?

Whether they were close friends, (I doubt it) or actually lovers, it would hurt for someone as close to you as Dazai to not only abandon you, but blow up your car, as if it’s all a joke. 

Which explains why Chuuya is so mad at Dazai. Why he wants to kill him. Because Dazai broke his heart. He ripped him up, but Chuuya would still trust him with his life. He is still everything to Chuuya. He’s his partner, his childhood friend, and maybe even his lover. (Side note: I headcanon both Chuuya and Dazai as bisexual.)

Which leaves a messy history behind. One where Dazai has hurt Chuuya more than anyone. Where Chuuya is trying to move on, but he can’t. That’s what gets me hooked on Soukoku - they’re both trying to pull away, but they’re so obviously drawn to each other. This has an opportunity to portray how healthy communication and overcoming your own personal boundaries can improve your relationships. For example, Dazai choosing Chuuya over death. Or me choosing this blog, my writing, over my mental disorders.

And writing them trying to repair their relationship? I’m telling you, I have a 11k WIP fic about them repairing their relationship, and I have to stop and cry because the raw emotion that can be so portrayed in their relationship is heartbreaking. 

Plus, you’re right, we didn’t get a lot of canon content for their relationship. So their previous dynamic is totally up to your interpretation. And the tension that boils between them feels like a little more than just friendship. (Don’t even get me started on how Chuuya knows full well when Dazai is manipulating him, can read his thoughts and intentions, but lets him go through with it anyway.

My favourite interpretation of soukoku is Friends With Benefits, but both with deeper feeling they’re in denial of, and eventually overcoming their own personal barriers to be able to love each other in a kind and supportive way. A logical, but meaningful, relationship between two people. One of whom needs to find his true value in this world, and the other who wants to be that value, but isn’t sure where to start. 

So, speaking as someone who uses BSD ships and characters as a way to cope myself: Screw those haters! Soukoku is a wonderful ship! All ships are amazing! You keep loving what you want to love!