#and i know alex better than anyone in this place and i know why jessica is acting thr way she does . I BE NOTICING THINGS

[inutaffy]

the physical PAIN im feeling right now

[daresplaining]

Daredevil vol. 2 #48 by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev, Matt Hollingsworth, and Cory Petit

I've written about this scene before, but I just keep coming back to it. Matt has just been attacked by Typhoid Mary, approximately thirty seconds into his second date with Milla. With the help of Jessica Jones and Luke Cage, who are bodyguarding for him at the time, Matt manages to fight Typhoid off and get Milla out of harm's way. He brings her back to his apartment, where he can treat his injuries and Milla can get some breathing space to recover. As the evening progresses, they end up in bed together.

There are so many stories— heck, so many Daredevil stories— in which a scene like this would turn sexual. And there isn't anything inherently wrong with that, and there are certainly undertones here for anyone looking for them. But instead, Milla and Matt get into something much more somber: a direct examination of what they've just been through, and what Milla wants to do about it. The bed scene begins with Milla tracing her fingers over the scars on Matt's body while he tells her which villain gave him each one. The conversation slides into the exchange above. This is not long after Karen Page's death (a fact that will pop up in more emphatic ways later in the run). Milla has just been on two disastrous dates, the latest of which put her in direct physical danger. Matt is brutally aware of the kind of target he is putting on her in by allowing her to associate with him, and now he knows that Milla knows it too. In previous relationships he might not have brought it up; before Karen's death, before Elektra's, before Glori's, he might have said nothing here, eager for love and brashly confident in his ability to be the hero and keep his girlfriend safe. But no matter how much he likes Milla, and no matter how desperately he might want this relationship— because he's into her, because he needs something pleasant and consistent in his messy life, because the guy rebound dates like it's his damn job— he has the wherewithal, and the honesty, and the fear to tell her that she should take all of this danger seriously and leave. He gives her that choice.

It's easy for us as the readers, with the benefit of hindsight, to say that Milla was foolish to ignore the warnings and to pass up this opportunity to get out of the relationship before it turned ugly. But what I think hits me so hard about this scene is her conviction, and her courage to push all of that aside and offer up the hope that this time, things might be better. Milla has not known Matt for long, other than by reputation, but she has already proven that she is willing to go to great lengths to protect him. She isn't easily frightened, and she likes Matt too much to let him go this easily. Look at the framing and pacing of this moment. Matt makes his long speech about the horror Milla has just been through, and how much he likes her and how little she deserves what she will go through by being around him, and how he can't imagine why she would possibly want to stay. It's a speech full of stutters and pauses; Matt is rattled and frightened. And then there are two panels of silence, in which Milla seems to consider him, and he seems to consider her (it's almost framed as if they are looking at each other, and while obviously that's not what they're literally doing, it does create the sense that an examination is taking place). And then Milla just snuggles in closer and gives her answer: "Because I'm quite fond of you." And there's immense power in such a simple, almost casual response. She has witnessed the danger. She has thought about the danger. She wants to hang out with him anyway because she likes him.

The final panel is beautiful, framing Milla's single line of dialogue. A breeze lifts the curtain on the open window. The walls of the bedroom are transparent, letting in a view of the city and the sky, as if they are lying outdoors, perhaps invoking that feeling of the sounds of New York coming into the room and shattering that illusion of spatial separation. In this moment, neither of them can know what is coming, but with her choice to stay, Milla has conjured a world in which they can both imagine that this kind of peace might be possible.

[hangezoeenthusiast]

Papa

Part 2 Part 3

let me know if you wanna be tagged please. this will be a series

fem!daughter!reader

word count: 1,855

person: c!schlatt, c!quackity, c!karl, c!sapnap

warnings: parents, cursing, yelling, orphans, cigars and alcohol mention (btw these are the warnings for now)

synopsis: you were loved, you were cherished, then someone left, and other people replaced that person, and you didn't like that.

-

Your biological parents threw you out of their home because they couldn't care for you. You were at least at the brink of 2 years old when this happened. They put you in a little stroller and took you to an orphanage. "Miss Jessica's Home For Orphans", it was a stupid place, but the place got you fed, and clothed.

On some fortunate day, you were going to get adopted. Quackity his name was. He came in, and asked for kids 2-6. "Those ages are easy to maintain", he thought in his head. He was contemplating whether or not to get a child of his own. He was lonely, no one to love, no one to care for. So Miss Jessica called everyone 2-6 years old to come.

With help from a older person, everyone 2-6 came downstairs. Quackity looked at everyone, and wondered which child he would bring home. Then he looked at you. you looked so adorable, so cute. He asked you, "Hey kid, what's your name." "I'm Y/n, how are you." you smiled at him with barely any teeth. He pulled you gently off to the side, "Hey kiddo, do you want to come with me to my house?" "Yes Mr." you answer.

You were glad to go to Quackity's house, you never had any love from anyone.

-

(Spongebob theme) 8 years later

You were 10 years old, living happily with Quackity. 8 years ago, he came to the orphanage and picked you up, ever since, you were showered with love and care. But there was one thing, you never called Quackity dad. You would just call him Alex or Quackity.

“Hey Quackity, what’s for lunch?”

“Ummm, some pizza with wings, buffalo right?”

“Yeah.”

Quackity felt bad, you never and did call him by dad, or any parental name. “Hey kid, can i talk to you about something.”

You put down your water, “Yeah, what’s up?” “So lately I’ve noticing that you have been calling me by my name?”

“Are you uncomfortable with me using your name.” you asked. “No, no, but it’s kinda weird, since, yaknow, I adopted you, and I’m a parental figure in your life, so maybe if you would call me dad or another parental name that would be cool?”

“Ohh, the only reason I was calling you by your name because I thought you were uncomfy with me calling you dad?”

“Oh thank goodness, I thought I did something wrong.” he sighed out.

"Could I possibly call you papa, since you-" he cut you off by hugging you. He squeezed his arms around you really hard, 'YES, YES, ANYTHING."

So after that, you would call him papa or dad, and sometimes use his real name.

-

6 years later, you were 16. The election happened, the calling out of the votes, Coconut2020 coming in fourth, which was last, who was lead by Fundy and Nihachu, Schlatt2020 coming in third, lead by Jschlatt, Swag2020 coming in second, lead by Quackity who is your papa and Georgenotfound, and Pog2020 coming in first lead by Tommyinnit, Wilbur Soot, and Tubbo. Also the sudden announcement of Schlatt2020 and Swag2020 polling votes, and the speech by Schlatt stating that Wilbur Soot and Tommyinnit were no longer citizens of L'Manberg now turned Manberg.

You were surprised, you didn't know that your father with add his votes with Schlatt's. So immediately after Wilbur and Tommy got banned from Manberg, Quackity and Schlatt called you and Tubbo up to the stage. "HEY YOU TWO, COME UP HERE." Schlatt yelled at you both. You both were reluctant to go, Schlatt was scary, his ram-horned self.

"It's ok Y/n, you're ok." your father told you. You stiffly went up the stage with Tubbo. "Tubbo, I want you to be the Secretary of State, and Y/n, I want you to be the First Lady, since your dad is the Vice-President." Schlatt demanded you both to be.

You didn't really want to be in a position of power. You were happy with living with Quackity, in L'Manberg, with no place of authority over anyone.

"Are you sure Schlatt, I mean, I suck at authority." said Tubbo. "Yes, I'm sure, I'm totally sure."

-

You were doing some paperwork for Schlatt when Tubbo came into your office, "Y/n, Schlatt and Quackity want you in their office."

"Ok, I need to finish this paperwork for Punz, he needs-"

"They said it's urgent."

"Fineee." you got up from your chair, "Thanks Tubbo, by the way, can you finish the paperwork, if you aren't busy."

"Yeah sure Y/n, just hurry up, they are really acting crazy in there." he jokingly stated. "Trust me, they're doing nothing."

You went out of your office, and walked all the way to Schlatt's. There, you found Quackity and Schlatt sitting together, talking about some random presidental shit. "Hey, what you guys needed me for?" you asked. You were desperate to go back to your office, still not used to this place. "We need to tell you something." they synchronized.

"Okkk, so what?"

"Umm, well Y/n, meet your new dad." you gaped at Quackity, then Schlatt repeatedly.

"NOPE."

"NEVER."

"WHY HIM."

"HE SUCKS ASS."

"HE SMELLS LIKE CIGARS AND ALCOHOL, WHY WOULD YOU WANNA DATE SOMEONE WHO SMELLS LIKE THAT."

You rambled on and on until Quackity covered your mouth to stop your obsequent talking, "Calm down mi quierda, first of all, it's not your choice, he makes me happy, I make him happy, and lastly, he smells great."

"YEAH I DO, YOU TELL HER BABE, I DON’T STINK." Schlatt yelled across the room.

“But why him, like there is multiple other people who is better than him.” you whined.

“Ok kid, I like, no love him, he loves me, why can’t you be happy with that.” Schlatt told you irritated.

“But-”

“No buts, just please be supporting of us, please mi amor?”

“Fine, doesn’t mean I like it.”

-

After that little argument you had with Schlatt and Quackity, you finished leftover paperwork so there wouldn’t be a pile of it when you came back to the office the next day.

You heard a knock on the door, and told them to come in. To your surprise, annoyingly, it was Schlatt, holding up your favorite hamburger from McDonalds. “Hey kid, what you doing?” he asked you.

You didn’t respond to him, trying to stay silent and finish the paperwork. “Your dad told me your favorite meal from McDonald’s, yaknow, as a present I guess.”

You still ignored him. "Kid, I know you don't like me, I wouldn't like me either if I found out my dad was dating-" you interrupted him, "It's not that, I want dad to be happy, it's YOU, you don't deserve his love. Do you understand Schlatt?"

He put his hand on your knee, "I know, I don't deserve him, I'm not trying to replace anyone in your life, I just want to make Quackity and possibly you happy."

You blankly looked at him, "Ok, that was a good statement, but if you hurt dad, I will make sure you live the rest of your life feeling like shit."

"We got a deal kid, you accept this partnership between me and your dad, and I'll won't break his heart, deal?"

You shook his hand, "Deal Schlatt."

-

"Hey kid, we're going out to a date, you want anything from outside?" Schlatt knocked on your door to your room. You were reading your favorite book when Schlatt interrupted your reading process, "Nah, have a good date."

You were kinda accepting Schaltt dating Quackity. You didn't like their PDA though. It was absolutely digusting, but it made your father happy. "Hey babe, what you doing in here?" Quackity appeared at the frame of your door. "Nothing, just talking to little ol' Y/n, isn't that right?"

"Yes, don't call me that though." "Ok then, you ready babe?" asked Schlatt. "Yeah, Y/n, don't do anything stupid while me and Schlatt are gone." You rolled your eyes, "I'm not going to do anything stupid papa, just have a great night with Jcum." "HEY, DON'T CALL ME JCUM."

"Love you both." you got back into your book, not knowing that the both of them were shocked.

Those three little words got both of them gaping at you. You didn't like Schlatt from the beginning, and you were saying to him "love you"? "What did you just say mi amor?" "I said love you both." you didn't know that those words were significant to Schlatt.

He wanted your approval of dating Quackity, since you are his only daughter. "HOLY SHIT, YOU SAID LOVE YOU TO ME, TO ME." Schlatt leaped with joy. "Don't take it too serious Jschlatt, you kinda warmed up to me these past weeks." you smirked.

He walked to your bed, and hugged you with all his might.

"Schlatt."

"What are you doing?"

"You are squeezing me too tight."

"I can't breath right now, let go of me."

You squeezed out, he was crushing all the oxygen out of your body, "Sorry, Y/n." he shyly spoke, rubbing the back of his neck. "Schlatt, we have had a lot of arguments, I didn't like you, still kinda don't right now, but you are actually a good person, and I actually, not fakely, approve you to date my dad."

Schlatt ran out your room screaming repeatedly, "YES, LET'S GOOO."

-

Quackity was out doing some random things for Schlatt, while you were cooking Schlatt's favorite food. Since last week you declared that you were actually ok with their relationship, you actually got comfortable with Jschlatt being near you.

It was a teasing relationship, you guys making fun of each other when the other did something wrong. To kinda celebrate the event, you were making food. You heard the door open, and there Schlatt was in his presidential suit. "Hey Schlatt, what's up?" you questioned while mixing the pasta in the pot.

He took of his jacket, shoes, and tie, looking stressed, "Nothing kid, just stresed out" "About what?" "Tubbo needs a lot of items to get something for me, but I don't have them." he sighed. "What does he need?" "He needs stupid netherite, the only thing I don't have in hand." "I actually have some, I could give it to Tubbo." you stated. "Thanks kiddo." "No problem Schlatt."

"Anyways, food is going to be ready in an hour."

"Thanks, I'll be in my room."

"Ok dad." He stopped in his tracks, "What did you just say to me." "What do you mean?" "Y-you just called me dad." he stumbled on his words with unbelief lacing them.

You smiled over your shoulder, "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, who knows?" "You actually consider me to be your dad?"

"Well yeah, you're nice to me and papa, you take care of me, you love me, so why not?"

He hugged you from behind, "Thanks kiddo, I'll receive this announcemet with honor," he jokingly stated. "No problemo dad, just go take a shower, you stink." "NEVER." he wrapped his arms around you as much as he could.

(This is the end of this first part, this is my first time making a series, let me know what you think)

[cardentist]

I’ve talked about how the misconception of hoodie and masky as proxies clashes with the plot of marble hornets before and how the implications of them being interpreted as proxies impacts the themes of tim’s characterization and storyline. (link)  that said, I’ve noticed that even people who Know they aren’t proxies still tend to interpret them as more violent or antagonistic than they really are, sometimes still interpreting them as working for or being controlled by the operator. 

so ! I wrote up a manifesto rambling on about my thoughts on why hoodie and masky come off as more threatening than they actually are, on what the operator’s influence actually is, and on masky’s role is as an alter. I’m putting it under a readmore for length ! so warning for major spoilers under the cut.

as a note, this is all based on my own understanding of the series, I don’t want to have to write “in my opinion” after everything I say so I’m saying it here fjlsdk

but to start with, I wanna address the idea of hoodie and masky (and even alex) being puppeted by the operator.

troy has gone out of his way to state multiple times that there are no proxies in marble hornets specifically to counter the notion that the operator has direct control of the characters’ actions at any point. the operator can affect people’s moods, their perception of reality, but it can’t puppet people’s actions. They’re in control of themselves even if they aren’t thinking clearly or rationally.

compare jay and alex. they were both unmedicated throughout the series (for the most part), and there’s evidence to suggest that jay was affected by the operator all the way back during the marble hornets shoot (he mentions how cold he feels just like tim, and he doesn’t remember alex’s change in behavior in the present at all), but they both were in Very different places mentally. it isn’t fair to just say that alex was more Violent than jay, we didn’t see much of him pre-operator but we were meant to get the idea that he was just a normal guy, but he had a very different reaction to the operator’s influence.

likewise, brian and tim were both taking medication throughout the series and Very Obviously had different reactions to the operator’s influence (brian self isolating and giving into paranoia while tim tried Very hard to live a normal life and get better despite his lack of support).  

if the operator could just control people’s actions then the differences in their personalities and environments wouldn’t have mattered. why bother creating an alter that’s less openly violent than alex was? why leave jay to be self destructive but ultimately harmless when he was vulnerable for so long? if the alters and changes in behavior were caused by a Direct influence by the operator, controlling what they Do rather than just how they feel, then they All should’ve been as murderous as alex was.

personally? I see masky as a protector that stemmed from tim’s childhood trauma. we don’t know exactly what happened for sure, like tim said we’ll never know if what he experienced was the operator or his own schizophrenia or both (or if the difference even matters), but we Do know that from his perspective he was locked in a room with a monster with nowhere to go and with no one to help him. the people who were Supposed to take care of him (his parents, his doctors) were the ones confining him there and he didn’t have anyone else in his life (brian was his first friend). that’s Plenty of reason for DID to occur naturally !

masky’s job as a protector would be to get tim (and the people important to him depending on the situation) away from danger by either fighting or running away, because tim didn’t Have the power to help himself when he needed it. moreover, that’d explain why masky tends to front in response to seizures and being Taken by the operator, it’d be to protect tim from whatever caused the pain (whether it can actually be protected against or not) And to deal with painful memories ! it’s a trauma response because masky exists in response To trauma and tim’s inability to cope with what happened to him on his own

so ! why does masky come off as so intimidating if he’s supposed to be a protector? because he was supposed to ! out of universe, the series was presented out of order with jay getting bits and pieces of what happened to slowly pull together a more complete narrative. hoodie and masky were written to Look like antagonists the first time through (in the same way that alex looked more sympathetic in the beginning), but slowly putting the pieces together makes their actual goals clearer as well as adds context to situations that made them look bad because of how they were presented in release order. this isn’t a failing of the storytelling by any means, we thought they were threatening because Jay thought they were threatening !

and well, in universe obviously part of it is that hoodie and masky are, you know,   running around wearing masks and acting shady, especially when you have no idea who they are or what they want. But a lot of times their actions Seem threatening but can either be explained by them purposefully appearing threatening to try to scare jay away from danger/into helping someone Or can be explained by them being affected by the operator in the same way that jay and alex were (more on that later :3c)

this distinction is important because hoodie and masky’s whole goal is to combat   alex and the operator ! the operator can make them more aggressive/act out in ways that they otherwise wouldn’t, but it isn’t making them do it’s bidding !

tbh the only thing holding me back from explaining every single instance where hoodie or masky come off as threatening is my own thinning self control, but the fact that I haven’t yet means that I have limited examples jlksfd. that said ! I can think of a couple!

the most obvious example of them being threatening on purpose was entry ####, when hoodie and masky stopped speaking in codes for the first time and made an overtly threatening video saying in no uncertain terms that they were coming to “get” jay just before the season 1 finale. They even posted it on His channel so he couldn’t ignore it. they Knew alex was going to go after jay, but they also knew that alex was watching him and watching them. if they warned him that alex was the one coming for him then alex wouldn’t make his move and would wait until jay was vulnerable again (plus the risk of him just not Believing them since at this point he had no reason to think that alex was truly dangerous). so they made Themselves the threat and scared jay out of his apartment before alex could burn him alive in it.

an example of them appearing threatening because of Circumstance and how the story was told is actually one series of events split up into several parts ! chronologically it starts with entry 52. alex invites jay and jessica into the woods, holds them at gunpoint, and tries to shoot them only to be tackled by masky. jessica and jay manage to run away and meet up at a hotel only to be tracked down by the operator. jay tackles it and he and jessica are knocked out and  have their memories wiped.

then jay wakes up in entry 27 with no idea what’s happened, and posts about exactly that to his youtube channel. both alex and totheark have been paying attention to jay’s channel and they both find out that jay and jessica are vulnerable at the same time. they don’t know exactly where jay and jessica are right off the bat, but jay made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere. so it’s a race against the clock to see who can get to them first while not drawing any unwanted attention.

finally it’s jessica’s disappearance, split between entry 33 and 76! jay has Just posted about how he’s gonna leave with jessica to try to figure things out, and hoodie and masky both know that if alex had already found the hotel then that would’ve push him into action. So that’s what leads to 76 with hoodie and masky grabbing jessica to try to get her out of danger. masky carries her down the stairs and then sets her down outside before heading back into the hotel.

Cutting to entry 33, that’s when he confronts jay in his hotel room. At the time it Looked like he was attacking jay because we didn’t have the context, but this was Immediately following him trying to save jessica and him Successfully saving them from alex shooting them. Moreover, he didn’t actually try to hit or overpower jay (and considering he just finished carrying a grown unconscious woman over his shoulders down the stairs he definitely could’ve).

What’s more likely is that hoodie was going to carry jessica to safety while masky carried jay, and he only Didn’t because jay was conscious to fight him off. (why jessica was unconscious probably has to do with why jay and jessica lost their memories in the first place and why jessica didn’t seem to think anything was off at the end of the series, that’s to say that slenderman wanted alex to get to them and was likely thrown by hoodie and masky’s presence). masky was hauling ass because he was trying to get to jay before alex did and he was taken off guard by the fact that jay wasn’t out like jessica was !

so then back to 76! jessica wakes up and hoodie tries to help her through the woods only to get shot at by alex, alex tricks her into trusting him and tries to convince her that they’re both hoodie’s victims. when alex tries to take his second chance to kill her she grabs his gun and hoodie comes to beat his ass ! hoodie stayed close when he ran off so he could catch alex off guard ! Unfortunately the operator gets to her while they’re fighting each other off. it’s unclear exactly what happens but jessica gets taken and we see alex put his gun away. personally I think jessica was knocked out rather than shot and he was just retrieving it from her before she got taken (seeing as she’s still alive by the end of the series) though what happened to hoodie isn’t exactly clear beyond the fact that he lived.

so ! to put all of that shorter fjdksl hoodie and masky’s goal here was to protect jay and jessica from alex. masky came to stop alex from shooting them the first time and they both tracked jessica and jay down after they lost their memories because they knew alex would take the opportunity to try to kill them again. masky not being able to grab jay (or more accurately, getting throttled by jay jldsf) meant that he wasn’t there to help hoodie defend jessica against alex leading to her getting taken anyways. but it scared jay into escaping the hotel without having to encounter alex himself. That’s why jay said he understood. it isn’t just that tim had no control over his alter’s actions, it was that masky and hoodie Looked threatening but were actually trying to help. It’s just that tim had no way to know that when he found the tape originally.

and finally ! what I think is an example of masky coming off as threatening because of the operator’s influence, but specifically on Mood rather than action! This being the events of entry 61 and 62!

Hoodie wants to force jay and tim to team up, and he does so by acting as the villain to get jay to move again (while he had masky pose in front of the camera before it’s more likely that he planned and edited entry ####). He takes tim’s pills, tim goes into a seizure, the video cuts out, and hoodie tells jay to go find him. this is followed by masky attacking jay in the woods and them both waking up in the abandoned house in rosswood.

now before I say anything else, let's contrast this with jay in entry 82 and 77. jay tries to stake out the rosswood tunnel (the last place jessica was seen in the tape before she disappeared), and after not finding anything he calls tim to apologize, tell him that he understood, and to say he wanted to work with him again. He’s scared and he says that he thinks he’s seeing things, he Specifically sees the same abandoned building that they woke up in during 62 Moving Closer to him. Jay then has a seizure, the video cuts out, and tim never gets the phone call. the next time we see jay chronologically is 77, where he comes to tim with zip ties and his (piddly) pocket knife to try to “interrogate” him about jessica.

we don’t see exactly what happened to him after the video cuts out, but we know whatever it was affected his memory, made him far more aggressive and paranoid, and played into his anxiety and fears notching them up to 11 (like him shouting that it “wouldn’t have been (his) fault” when tim says that jessica is gone playing into the fact that jay blames himself for losing jessica when she was one room over).

it’s the exact same situation with masky. 61 and 62 follows tim and jay’s blowout in the parking lot and jay sharing tim’s medical records online. at this point tim had a lot of anxiety and frustration surrounding jay. so when masky woke up after tim’s seizure, shaken up by the operator, he saw jay as a threat to tim’s safety in the same way that jay saw Tim as a threat keeping him from finding jessica. the operator is Most Likely responsible for teleporting them both to the abandoned house and teleporting masky specifically to the woods !

the operator causing aggression is pretty much a constant ! though how much a specific person reacts to it depends on the situation, the amount of exposure they’ve had and how recent it was, and how much Help the person has access to (like medication, support, and solidarity). alex became an Extremely aggressive person, and it wasn’t just because of the stress of the situation. he self isolated and didn’t have access to medication. he fell into paranoia and catastrophizing, deciding that everyone around him either deserved to be mercy killed to save them from the operator or saw them as a threat spreading the sickness to other people.

That’s why he went easier on jay at first. He was trying to kill him from the beginning, but he tolerated more from him because he saw jay as someone that needed to be saved from his fate. It isn’t until his mental health declined even further and jay continued to get in his way that his attitude changed, giving us who he was at the very end.

we also know that audio/visual glitches are signs of the operator, and you’ll notice the audio glitching when people yell Throughout the series. the three standouts for me being alex yelling “I’ll kill you” after hoodie and masky try to smash his head in with a rock, tim yelling “but what if I’m right” while he’s spiraling thinking about how he could’ve been the cause of all of this while telling jay about his backstory, and jay yelling “I need it” after tim refuses to leave the camera for him when jay is zip tied on the floor.

the operator causes paranoia and aggression as a baseline, it just affects everyone to different degrees at different times depending on their access to help and how direct the operator is being with its influence, hoodie and masky are no different !

that doesn’t make their actions Okay, alex isn’t off the hook for Murder, but it does make them all Victims and it does mean that they deserved help (think back to tim offering to help alex during their final confrontation, even after everything).

All of that to say ! while hoodie and masky come off as threatening, their overall goals are to be helpful, they just tend to act extremely because of the situation they’re in on top of dealing with the same operator-influenced aggression and paranoia that everyone else is trying to manage. This is only emphasized by the method of storytelling deliberately obscuring the order of events to make them appear more threatening than they really are on top of their own attempts to scare jay out of harm's way.

I’ve gone on just, frankly way too long. so ! if you’re interested in more meta about how mental illness ties into the core Themes of marble hornets as well as misconceptions in the fandom (and specifically some dunking on night mind’s masky theory jlkfsd) I have a google doc where I’ve been just, chewing on it here (link)

it’s written like it’s laying out points for a response video that I’m frankly never gonna make, but I’ve been putting off making a post about it instead for This Exact Reason (this post is just over 5 pages in google docs jlkfds). and if you’d like to do more research on DID and OSDD there’s an Excellent playlist with resources ! the uploader has OSDD and they have other playlists as well that are worth checking out too ^^ (link)

[starshipsofstarlord]

Closeness in a Closet🔥 - Scott Reed x Reader

Summary: Whilst looking for evidence, you and Scott end up in a closet. It leaves the both of you time to mull over emotions as you wait to leave.

Someone had been leaving Clay polaroids. Disgusting ones, that did declare Bryce Walker a rapist, but that was what he was. They were evidence.

"You want me to what?" You asked Clay again, so that you could be sure you heard him right.

Ever since Hannah died, he was willing to go to extremes. No matter who got in the crossfire.

"Stay at school overnight, to see if anyone leaves a photo in my locker again." Why could he not do it?

You hated Liberty as it was, being locked in here when it was dark was not going to help. "You thought it was Reed, so why not just ask him?"

Scott Reed, the jock who hung out with Bryce Walker. He wasn't all bad, but he was a jock nonetheless.

Jocks carried a toxicity with them, wherever they went. Scott was no different. He couldn't be. He was a hormonal teenage boy like the rest of them, thinking with his dick rather than his brain.

"Of Bryce." You finished for him.

"I can't lose the chance of no more photos being left." Clay answered your question, his voice lowered so that this conversation was strictly between the two of you. People at liberty always stuck their noses in places they didn't belong, hence why Hannah was dead. "If it is him, he's scared."

It wasn't a surprise. The Walkers were a powerful family, using their wealth and reputation to bend the rules.

"Scared." You laughed. Sure Scott seemed different, but they were all the same. For all the two of you knew he was a rapist too.

It wasn't like Bryce just allowed goody two shoes' in the clubhouse. Even the mention of that place sent riddled shivers up your spine. "I'll do it, but only to prove you wrong."

If there was anything you loved more than watching the popular sports players getting their asses kicked, it was correcting Clay.

The boy always was so certain on things. But he wasn't right every time. It was impossible to be.

You walked with the boy to the cafeteria, finding Zach, whom you still held a little grudge on considering his previous group, Jessica whom was one of many of Bryce Walker's victims, and Alex, who was still recovering from his suicide attempt.

Everywhere you looked, you saw the effects of jocks. A few tables away, they were seated, laughing their asses off at something that was most likely crude and immature.

Monty clearly was the instigator of whatever joke that had just been made. The guy looked so proud and smug with himself. It was ridiculous.

But Scott wasn't joining in with the amusement. His mouth was upturned a little, but his gaze was wandering around the room, as if he was trying to avoid contact with any of them despite being seated at the same table.

And then his gaze met yours, whip made you whip your head away from facing that direction.

You couldn't have him being suspicious. You had to find out first if he really was the one lending a helping hand.

"Have you done the biology work?" Zach asked you. You weren't sure why he had began to be so interested in you. It was as if he wanted to help you.

"Of course." You smirked, stabbing your fork into the food.

Zach wasn't all bad. Maybe Scott wasn't either. But they still carried the bats on their backs, like scars in their skin. They would always be jocks, no matter how kind or sweet they were.

....

You hid in the girls locker room to avoid the janitors. When the coast was clear you exited, peeking at your phone to keep an eye on the time.

Clay hadn't messaged you. He must have been assuming that you were all good. But you weren't.

You were on edge. There was no one in sight, not that you'd have been able to see them anyway, it was dark. So dark.

As you walked in the hallway, you went into a janitors closet, which you had to pick with your hairpin.

It's not that you wore them, you merely carried them for the purpose of lockpicking alone. Seeing as you weren't all as lucky as Bryce, some of you had to bend the rules yourself to just get by.

And so you peeked through the window, that was fogged with dust, only to see a silhouette wandering in the vacant hall.

Who was it, and why were they coming towards where you were hidden? You could barely see their face, so it must've have been difficult for them to spot yours.

And then the door opened, revealing Scott.

"What the fuck are you doing?" You hissed at him, not sure whether you were asking about the intrusion or the pictures.

He made no attempt to answer just yet, instead he brushed past you, closing the door after he was fully in. "The same as you."

"Well, what do you think I'm doing?" He asked much more kindly than you did.

"I know (Y/N). I heard you and Clay, and I saw him drop one of the photos the other day. I want to know who's leaving a trail of them."

He couldn't be serious. He was the only suspect you had so far, and he was dismissing that it was him.

"Why? So you can secure them for your rapist friend, so that it doesn't go to court and drag the lot of you down?" Your finger prodded his chest, taunting the possible idea.

"I'm not a rapist." His statement seemed sincere. And it was you would've been able to tell if you could see the pain in his eyes.

"Okay." You weren't completely convinced.

"Okay?" He asked incredulously. "I want this all to end, the same as you do."

"Then why do you hang with Bryce and Monty? If they're around, this shit isn't going to have an end." You heaved, angry at the boy. You had been angry at him for so long, it was like you had forgotten who he was.

"Because I'm expected to. I know things and if I left, I'd have to pay a price. A painful one."

"Some friends." You remarked.

"I know that my contact with them is why you never called me back." He was no longer focused on the dirty window, instead his gaze was on you.

"It wasn't just you, so don't be so self centred." You had a life, one that you weren't proud of. But you were changing it all around. Maybe Scott was trying to do the same, but you couldn't be sure.

"I know." He gave you a small, almost guilty smile that was lit by no light. "And now you have to go to court. But you should know that the guys are keeping an eye on you. They're aware you know more about them than you're letting on."

"I saw things Scott. I heard things, and the clarity that they are what they are doesn't make any of it better." Your anger was no longer directed at him. It was instead targeted at yourself. "Monty persuaded me that you weren't interested, that you were just playing with me as if I was some discardable toy. And then he wanted to prove he could treat me better than you could."

Pursing your lips together, you couldn't help but feel ashamed. And to know Monty was still watching you made you want to vomit.

"He didn't -"

"No Scott." You dismissed his idea. "I consented. All that I had felt from the tapes, I needed to let go somehow."

"I'm gonna kill him either way." His teeth gritted together in irritance. He had never been a fan of Monty, but now he resented the guy.

"Don't, unless you want to go to court to." You shrugged your shoulders. Court. You had to go there, explain yourself and your behaviour towards a sweet girl who you had made give up. You should have helped, not the opposite.

"What Monty said, it wasn't real. I really liked you, and he just had to fuck with it."

"I really liked you too Reed." The past tense was in the air but something else made sparks shoot through the presence.

After you spoke, the two of you launched into each other, your lips mingling together, your hands in his hair, ruffling it and his own massaging your hips.

There wasn't anything else that needed to be said. It could all just be made clear with actions. With your bodies and the desire that had lingered in them.

His tongue pressed its way into your mouth, and yours danced with it. There was a sweetness to the passion, as though Monty had never got involved.

"I have to-" You tried to break away, although you didn't want to.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." He told you, going to pull away, but you pulled him back.

There was only a chance you would miss the anonymous suspect. So why not carry on?

Your thumb plucked at the zipped of his jeans, pulling down the metal ridges. He went to pull the denim down further, as you did the same with your own.

Both of your trousers were thrown to the floor, leaving you in your tops and undergarments. In an aroused haze, you removed your underwear and seated yourself onto the janitors trolley, that was pressed against the wall for stability.

Scott came between your legs, nudging his forehead against your own. "Tell me you want this."

He sought confirmation, and so you nodded but that wasn't enough for him. "I need to hear you say it."

"I wanted this since we first started seeing each other." The two of you had never gotten around to it due to the false rumours, but now was the moment.

His hands pushed down his boxers, and he allowed his tip to nudge at your entrance. He slid it into you, staying still for enough time to ensure you were comfortable.

You threw your head back at the sensation of the stretch. This wasn't how you had planned tonight, but you sure as hell weren't complaining.

And then he started moving, which had you stifling your noises. You had to be alert, in case the secret message came by. Even if you were to enthralled in pleasure currently.

"Fuck."

Fuck indeed. For you hadn't noticed the tall inconspicuous boy walking to Clay's locker, slipping in the polaroid and stalking away.

Zach should have known that someone would eventually start keeping watch, but from the whimpers coming through the door, you were clearly preoccupied.

"You feel so good." Scott rocked his hips before he let go inside of you, which made you unravel.

He gave a few more light thrusts before softly pulling out. "So what now?"

Scott scratched the back of his neck, before he helped you redress, and then doing so himself.

"Can I come to your hearing?" It made you Jump. It wasn't what you had been expecting.

"Scott, you said yourself that Bryce is keeping an eye on me. That's not a good idea."

He looked away, but you brought his face back towards yours with a stroke of your hand. "We should play it safe."

"I want to be there for you, because I wasn't with all that happened." He had watched you blame yourself but never comforted you. Now was his chance.

"Fine."

...

Clay stood waiting for you. "Did you see who it was?"

Shit. Why did that have to be the first thing that he asked you?

"No." You dragged the word out. "But it's not Scott."

"How do you know?"

That was something you didn't want to get into details to explain.

[cicinicole-14]

Hi for the ship thing and headcanons, please do jolex 🥰

Who is a night owl:

dont get me wrong, they both most definitely will stay up late together or both pass out before 9pm on a Friday night, but some days when the depression hits, its jsut different and Jo is definitely more of the night owl. Alex is more of a morning person and Jo would rather sleep like the dead. 

Who is a morning person:

as we’ve discovered, more so Alex esp when they have kiddos. Alex is the one to get up with them early and let Jo sleep, he makes breakfast with the kids’ help and keeps their room quiet for jo to get some extra sleep but will unleash their evil spawns when he deems she’s slept in long enough. 

Are they cuddlers:

some days, yes, mostly. jo definitely loves the affection from someone who genuinely loves and wants her back. but there are days where she literally is like “do not come near me with your (temperature) hot body Alexander Michael Karev, you are a heater and I am already too warm” 

Who is the big spoon and who is the little spoon:

Alex is def the big spoon. Jo likes cuddling into him because sh feels safe, he feels like home. but she def has big spooned him too it’s a 50/50 relationship we have equal roles people

What is their favourite sleeping position:

no lie, both spread out like starfish in their bed. 

Who steals all the blankets: 

Jo. Alex is a space heater and doesnt need blankets she freezes and likes being snuggled up and warm

What they wear to bed:

I mean some nights, nothing, but like jo def loves Alex’s old Iowa state shirts or his wrestling shirts from HS that smell like him. an old worn in t-shirt, anything with a pair of booty shorts or his boxers even. and Alex will just wear a t-shirt and boxers or flannels in the winter. 

Who likes seeing the other wearing their t-shirt:

Alex wholeheartedly loves when jo wears his shirts unless its his favorite flannel and she steals it “come on, jo. you know that’s my favorite one. I wear it all the time.” its exactly why she takes it. 

Who falls asleep mid-conversation:

jo, unintentionally. sometimes the insomnia hits and she won’t have slept for a couple days so when life catches back up to her she will fall asleep randomly. even more so while pregnant and right after their daughter is born. she just “night night Josephine” 

Who wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares:

they both have their fair share of horrid nightmares. Alex’s deal a lot with his trauma of growing up. his mom pulling various knives on his siblings and dad attacking them. even nightmares of jo leaving him like Izzie did and he wakes up without her. 

jo’s are terrifying as well. she dreams that Paul’s death was just an illusion and that hes still out there and he’ll still come and get her. she wakes up drenched in a cold sweat and Alex holds her and they pull up his death certificate on the gsm database to prove it. she also has nightmares about being abandoned again. dreams of herself as a baby, dreams of her mother leaving her at that firestation. horrid nightmares. and Alex just holds her. she also has many nightmares about Alex abandoning her too just like her mother abandoned her but he’s never done that he’s always there when she wakes up and everything is okay again

Who accidentally punched the other in their sleep:

jo is an absolute horrible bed partner. she does NOT sleep still. she will move around so much during sleep its dangerous. yes, Alex did wake up with a bruise across his cheek one night from an elbow to the face...

Who can’t keep their hands to themself:

both of them. theyre notorious horndogs no autocorrect they are not corndogs please stop correcting me when you’re wrong 

and just because, im throwing in the parenting meme one too bc my heart melts

packs the lunches

Alex. he gets up with the kids in the mornings and also we do not trust jo to make their children food. she’d feed them boxed Mac n cheese and take out the entirety of their lives. and while they love that and Alex wouldn’t care if it was jsut them, their kids need real food. he packs them lunchables and uncrustables but at least its a little more of a variety. 

blows raspberries while cuddling

jo, more so. they both do, but jo LOVES a good chunky baby belly she can blow raspberries onto. and yes she leaves maroon lipstick marks on chubby cheeks and bellies. 

is the tickle monster

Alex. and she runs to mommy to save her from daddy! “oh, now you want mommy, huh? as soon as daddy is the tickle monster all you want is mommy? not when I wanted cuddles, or we picked you up from daycare or I dont know, I gave birth to you and wanted snuggles you cry and want daddy but now hes the tickle monster you want me?” and jo scoops her up and tries saving her but ultimately they lose and get attacked in their very large bed by the tickle monster. 

gives life lesson speeches

they both do just depending on the situations. 

when the girls start dating, jo sits them all down separately, and explains to them a bit of her past. letting them know that no man should ever lay hands on them. she teaches them how to defend themselves and Alex ofc shows them in example how women should be treated. Alex makes it clear that if a guy or girl ever should treat his daughters or his son in any other way than he treats jo, that he needs to know and gOD forbiD one of them lay a finger on one of his children there WILL be hell to pay. jo obviously consoles him in front of her children but tells him “u already have a record. if anyone lays hands on our children I will be putting them in the ground not you”

kisses the boo-boos

Alex he is a pushover and 100% makes sure all boo-boos are kissed and even when the kids are way too old for having their boo-boos kissed, he makes sure the bandaids that are no longer avengers or dinosaur or unicorn or princess themed, have been properly kissed. even through protests of “dad, im not five anymore I dont need my bandaids kissed” “how do you expect them to heal, then, CJ? you’re my most clumsy kid, and I have had to kiss all your boo-boos and never once have I not. thats why you’re still in once piece” 

breaks the bad news

jo makes Alex do it most times. she claims she’s the fun parent and tries to stay the fun parent by making Alex break bad news like “we cannot get another dog” she blames it on Alex but then brings home a puppy the following week. 

joins the PTA

listen. LISTEN. when Greyson started big kid school, in kindergarten, they placed her in private school to give her everything they didnt have growing up. jo was determined to make sure she gave her daughter everything made sure she felt loved and was spoiled it was terrible. so jo, of course, sent her to Seattle Elementary academy and was not paying attention when she signed some forms signing up to be in the PTA. she loathed it so much and “Alex im sorry I cant do this. I know we wanted to give Gracie everything we didnt have growing up but I cant take it I cant take the private school. the volunteer hours the strict dress code violations? she is FIVE. I also have to volunteer FORTY HOURS this year alone. no! I am a surgeon, a mother of two and im pregnant! I do not have time for this! all these PTA moms are stay at home moms who have nothing better to do than gossip about their neighbors and drink wine. and I swear to god if I have to hear about Jessica’s fucking essential oils pyramid scheme one more time I will shove those oils so far up her a––” “Jo! Look, Ali, mommy’s here!” Alex interrupts her just in time. he doesnt blame her. those private school moms are quiet the handful. every time, one of them has the nerve to hit on him. “and I swear, if one more of those moms hits on you in front of me, im going to backhand her with my engagement ring on. no hate to most of them, but theyre too much” they end up ending Gracie, and Ali and the rest of the kids to public school just like they had grown up in and did just fine. 

crashes sleepovers with embarrassing stories

oh one hundred and ten percent Alexander Michael Karev. he will find any moment to break out embarrassing stories and photos. hell, even when Zola, Bailey, ellis, Sofia, Harriet, scout, any of the bunch come over he’ll embarrass them too!  

gives the crazy nicknames

not really either of them (that ive figured out in the moment) (the kkc kids do not have crazy nicknames yet) (we jsut have Gracie for Greyson, Ali for Alice, and CJ for Cristina Jo. Alexis goes by Sissy because of Alexis and Alexa and Eli usually goes by bubba seeing as how that’s what the twins have called each other growing up with Izzie and that stuck) 

thank you so much for these! I loved loved loved doing them! even threw in some KKC universe things so if yall have questions about that feel free to ask I will share! tho there is yet to have a fic out about them yet… its been a bit difficult with writers block /: 

[kimhargreeves]

Careful-Alex Standall

It's been 5 months since Alex shot himself and reader hasn't left his side, she plans to confess to him about her feelings till she sees Jessica with him and reader confronts them both saying how Jessica abandoned him when he needed her. "Hello?"

"Alex, Hi! it's been a while since i talked to you, how are you?"

"I'd be lying to myself to tell you that everything's alright."

"Would it make you feel better if we'd go to Monet's..or anywhere else? I-I know you're parents won't let you but I thought it would be nice before hell begins tomorrow." i smile a bit as I wait for his answer through out the other line.

"I would love to but you're right, they won't let me..I just talked to my dad a while ago and i'm lucky enough that i'll be going to school. I don't care what people will say about me, you'll be there for me right?"

"Of course,Alex..always."

"Great..see you at school (Y/N)."

I said my goodbye and hung up and placed my phone back on my bed, it's been weeks since I last saw my best friend and i am so excited to finally see him, it's been lonely here without him or Clay who's been hanging out with Skylar, Tony is no where to be seen well at least not here in my neighborhood since he regularly passed so we could hang out.

I picked up my psp continuing to where I left off on my game, my room was filled up with the heavy metal music playing on my radio when the door to my room opened and I didnt even bother to look up already knowing who it was.

"The hell do you want?"

"That's no way to answer to an adult."

"Two more years and i'll be one but that won't stop me from hating on you."

I glare up at my uncle who crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me, "Just so you know you can't barge into my room and stuff your face with my parents food."

My bastard of an uncle has been living here for a month already since he got out a prison and had no where to go, my dad wasn't happy about him and avoided him at all cost while my dumb mother kept protecting her 'little' brother who's spent his life as a lazy son of a bitch. Since my parents have spent most of the summer vacation at their work i've been extra careful around this man, anytime he's in the house i lock the door to my room but this time I forgot to.

"Your father has a couple of bottles in the basement, how about we drink a bit?" slowly i look back up and glare at him again, my hand moved over to my pillow and grasped the object i've hidden, a knife.

It's been many times where i've almost been sexually assaulted and I don't plan on this man to take advantage of me. I stood up and pointed at him with my knife "Get the fuck out of my room."

"Put that knife down! Wait till your mother hears about this." he began to get closer to me, quickly i grabbed my backpack and opened the window to my room, carefully i made it out and jumped down, i looked back to see my uncle and showed him the middle finger before running away.

I wondered where to go since Tony's never been around and has been more secretive than before. Alex's parents won't let anyone visit their son and Clay is never home only returns at night, my mom becomes annoyed when i visit her at work and my dad barely has the time to talk to me...

*************************

"So what brings you here?"

i look up from my sketch pad and see my dad finally approaching the car I am sitting at. It's been almost three hours and he finally finished his work for today, "Nothing..i just wanted to visit you." i look up at the other men working on the many houses they are building. "Everything alright?" he asks looking at me.

I look back at him and force a smile, there's no use in telling him since he won't be able to do or say anything. I jump down the car and assure him that i'm fine, "Since it's your last day of summer vacation why don't we go and have dinner?"

"I would love that."

**************************

The day i never wanted has arrived..hell begins today. I out that aside and tried to only think about Alex, i got into my skinny jeans,vans and my Ramones t-shirt. I ignored my uncle and said goodbye to my mom who was talking in her phone not paying attention, i hugged my dad goodbye and headed over to Alex's home.

Just when I arrived Alex was walking out of his house saying bye to his parents, i stared at Alex and smiled when he saw me, he looks different but at the same time doesn't, he even dyed his hair back to his natural brown color, i liked his hair dyed but prefer him like this. It's been 5 months since he's been in the hospital for trying to kill himself.

I ran over to him and hugged him back "I missed you so much."

"I did too." he replies after hugging me back and we began our walk to school. "So i've been thinking maybe we can hang out after school?" I ask turning to look at him and he nods.

"I feel different, you know being out of my house but I won't lie i'm a bit worried."

I take a hold of his hand as we walk and felt him stop for a second before walking beside me, "There's no need i'll be there if someone tries to tell or do anything to you i'll kick their ass." i tell him and Alex laughs right after.

"Good to know someones willing to do that for me." we look at each other and I blush looking away. "How are things at your home?"

A bit weary about it I decide to tell him everything, how that man at my house have been tying to..do things...Alex wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to me, "I'd die if someone tried to do that to you."

We reached the school and stayed by his side the entire time and reached up to his locker, he got a couple of books out and i turn to look back and saw Bryce with Montgomery,Zach and his entire crew walking past us, i glared at them when they saw me and Alex.

"What's wrong?" Alex looks at me then at them.

I force a smile and looks back at him "Nothing.." i stare at him and blush when he meets my eyes and i reach over to his cheek "I love you so much Alex." i finally tell him even if this wasn't the way i imagined to tell him.

Alex stayed silent which began to worry me, "You love m-'me...don't you?" i ask and he takes a hold of my hand and moves it away from his face. He looked past me and smiled, I looked back and glared at Jessica.

"Jessica hey." Alex smiles and shared a hug with her.

"It's good to see that you agreed to come." agreed? so they've been talking to each other this entire time? "So you still up after school?" she asks him and i begin to get once again a bit jealous and tug onto Alex's sleeve.

"Yeah s-sure."

"Whats your problem?" i turn to glare at Jessica who looks surprised and looks at me then Alex. "(Y/N)." Alex warns me and I look back at him then Jessica, "So that's why you didnt say you love me? because you still have feelings for Jessica after everything she did to you?!" i look back at Jessica.

"I know you've gone through some serious shit too but if you werent so fucking dumb then you shouldve known about Bryce, you thought of yourself superior to anyone in school and look where it got you, Alex shouldnt have shot himself if it werent for your stupid fights with him. I was with him when he was at the hospital and not once did I see you there."

Alex grabbed my shoulder and turned me so I would look at him, "(Y/N) Stop. Jessica has done nothing wrong." I scoffed and laughed at him still protecting her, I put my hands up and backed away "Go ahead see if I care." i ran away with tears falling out of my eyes, how dare he ditch me for her again, i exited the school not caring if i left the school property or the amount of looks i got.

[ginnyzero]

Completely Harmless Ch. 63

Completely Harmless An SSO SilverGlade Re-imagining Story (Or Fix it Fan Salt fic) By Ginny O.

When Lily and her friends wanted to buy horses and were directed to the Silverglade Manor and its myriad of problems, they didn’t expect to start a revolution. They were just a bunch a stable girls. Completely harmless. Right?

A/N: Things are only canon if I say they’re canon. Pre-Saving the Moorland Stables compliant for the most part. Posted in its entirety on my website. Posted in 2000 to 4000 word bits here. Rated T for Swearing Word Count 177,577

Chapter Sixty-Three Rescue Time (but First Needling Mr. Sands)

Lily took another slice of lasagna. “This is actually decent lasagna.”

Mr. Sands’ brow twitched.

“Did you get the recipe from Catherine?” Lily asked.

Alex and Justin left. Justin giving a tour guide type of spiel. Lily figured he wouldn’t s how Alex anyplace sensitive. Which was fine. They didn’t need to see anything sensitive.

Mr. Sands stared at Lily.

She continued to eat. “When are you going to tell that poor boy that you killed his mother’s friends?”

“He wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t.” Mr. Sands frowned. “His father hid his heritage from him.”

“Hmm, I’m not sure how telling anyone that your grandmother is the Baroness of your district but we can’t associate with her because your grandfather, her ex-husband is an immortal alien who wants to take over the world is going to go over well.” Lily licked the fork suggestively. “I mean, there are May December romances, and then there’s you.”

Sabine and Jessica snickered.

“You know quite a bit more than you should.”

“What can I say? I have a face that people trust.” Lily shrugged and continued to eat. “You smile. You nod. You let them talk. People love to talk about themselves. The Baroness though, she was a tougher nut to crack. She doesn’t do talk. She does actions. Deeds. So, was it something you did or didn’t do that tore you two apart?”

Mr. Sands snorted. “Don’t be foolish enough to think I had any feelings towards her. She was a means to an end, no more. She didn’t have what I needed.”

“Hmm, it’s interesting to me that you were able to contain Anne, but not Lisa.” Lily stuck the fork into the lasagna.

“Oh, they fought,” Jessica said.

Sabine smirked. “But not enough.”

“You don’t need a Dark Rider,” Lily mused. “So, why keep Anne imprisoned?”

“Elise is not my recruit.”

“Oh, contingency plans.” Lily nodded. The name Elise sounded familiar but she couldn’t place it off the top of her head. “Clever enough.” She finished her slice and set down her plate. “I’ll go catch up with Justin and Alex. They might need minding. And I’m the one they think is the flirt.” Lily pushed her hair back over her shoulder strutting from the room.

She found Alex and Justin pretty easily.

“Hanging out here all day sounds like a bore,” Alex said as they wandered around a large room.

“There are plans to be set in motion,” Justin said. “And it’s not that bad.”

“No place to ride. No elbow room. Everyone on top of each other.”

“Sounds kinky,” Lily spoke up.

Alex jumped. “Don’t do that, Lils.”

Lily checked her phone.

Alex strode away from Justin. “Wait, wait, wait. At least you know what you’re waiting for I suppose.” She jerked her head to one side.

Lily waited to make sure Justin had his eyes on Alex before looking where Alex had indicated. A book rested on a book stand.

“The day is important. All the generals agree that to do it early would only bring disaster. The Keepers are too fixated on their prophecy to be paying attention. And without the other Soul Riders, they can’t stop us even if they wanted to.”

Lily walked towards the book slowly.

“They’re down to one now,” Alex said and shifted her weight. She moved towards Justin. “We’re going to be together, no matter what, baby.”

“You and me against the world,” Justin said.

Alex rested her hands on his chest. “That’s right.”

Justin frowned and turned his head to look for Lily.

Alex put a hand on his cheek and turned his head back to look at her. “Justin, look at me. I’d burn the world for you. You used to feel the same. It’s still in her.” She rubbed a circle on his chest.

Lily snagged the book and stuck it in the back of her pants under her trench coat. “Do I need to tell you two to get a room?” She leaned against the stand.

Alex flushed. “Are any of these generals hot so we can get Lily her own May December romance?”

“Only one person can rule the world, Alex,” Lily said. “And it’s going to be me.”

“Yes, yes, all hail the Queen.”

“I keep moving up in the world,” Lily murmured.

“Empress even. We can be the Empress’ advisors.” Alex grinned. “Ruling sounds so tedious anyways. You need a champion. I take champion.”

Lily snorted.

Justin rolled his eyes. “Garnok is going to rule. Not us.”

“I guess I better figure out a way to kill Garnok,” Lily said dryly.

“Come on, you have to be here for one reason or another. Show me.” Alex took Justin’s hand and tugged him away.

“Fine, there’s a control room. I can show you that,” Justin said. “It’s just a bunch of screens and drones though. There probably isn’t anything very interesting going on.”

“But it will kill time,” Alex said.

“Ugh, don’t talk about killing time,” Lily groaned. “You want the entire world to fall out of whack.”

Alex winked at her and urged Justin forward.

--

Evergray polished the keystone with a rag. “Keystones truly are a thing of wonder. You wouldn’t think a thing of such humble origins would be able to part the veil of space and time.”

Linda double checked the tuning of the harp like Lily had shown her. It was mostly nerves. She turned her head.

Horse hooves clopped against the stone of the path echoing into the Dale.

But not one set of hooves, multiple.

Elizabeth Sunbeam, Rhiannon, Avalon and a host of druids in robes and hoods swept into the Dale on horses of all colors.

“What is going on here?” Elizabeth asked.

Avalon cleared his throat. “I told you to leave, brother.”

“Tsk, as if I listen very well,” Evergray said and coughed.

“Linda,” Elizabeth scolded. “I thought better of you. Evergray isn’t to be trusted. He’s a thief.”

Linda stood up holding the harp in her arms. “He’s been more honest than you have been.” She lifted her chin.

“What is that?” Rhiannon nodded at the stone in Evergray’s arms.

“You don’t know.” Evergray shook his head. “Twenty years and all the new recruits are base ignorant. This never would have happened while I was chief archivist.”

“Evergray, you have violated the terms of your exile,” Elizabeth said. “You were warned what would happen if you ever returned. We have come to take you into custody.”

“I see how you are, Elizabeth.” Evergray turned his head and coughed. He looked back at her. “You’ve come full circle then.”

Elizabeth flushed. “I don’t know what you mean.” She straightened on her horse.

“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be so mad. Come, now, we haven’t actually answered your questions.”

More horse hooves echoed in the Dale, this time, they were alone.

A grey dapple horse with a white mane appeared at the end of the Dale.

The druids murmured and moved aside.

“Concorde,” they whispered and murmured to each other.

Concorde trotted between them. He lowered his head to Linda. “Soul Rider,” he murmured.

Linda pressed her forehead against his. “You’re safe and alive.”

“What do you need me to do?” Concorde asked.

“Make room, make room,” Evergray said. “I believe this is our cue.”

Linda quietly explained to Concorde the plan.

--

Alex had managed to wheedle Justin back to the horses.

“It’s time,” Lily said.

“Justin, baby, your lips look super chapped.” Alex grabbed his chin.

Justin tried to move his head. “They’re fine.”

“No. They’re definitely chapped. Can’t kiss you with chapped lips,” she said. She took out the chap stick and popped the lid off with one hand. “Hold still.”

Justin’s eyes widened and he leaned back. “Alex.”

She smeared it onto his lips before he could say anything else or get away.

Justin stilled and stared ahead barely blinking.

Lily reached into her saddlebag. “Catch,” she said and tossed potions at her.

Alex caught them and opened the first one over Saga’s rump. “There, there, boy, you’ll be yourself in no time.” She hurried over to the other horses.

Lily juggled the other three potions. She poured them over the backs.

“Last one,” Alex said.

Lily tossed it to her.

Alex poured it over the back of the horse.

Lily went for the halters. “Ten minutes, and counting,” she said.

Justin blinked and rubbed his eyes. “What happened? Where am I?” He looked around. “What’s wrong with Saga?”

“Saga’s going to be all right, give her a few minutes,” Alex darted over to him.

He stared at her. “Are you wearing lip stick?”

She flung her arms around his neck. “That’s my Justin,” she said tears in her eyes. “You aren’t going to do this to me ever again. No more mind control from evil grandfathers. You hear me Justin Moorland. I can’t go through this again.”

He wrapped his arms around her. “It’s all so fuzzy. Except there was lots of lasagna.”

Alex laughed and hiccupped. “Of course you remember the lasagna.”

“Tasted like mom’s,” Justin mumbled.

“Justin, I need you to help Lily get the horses to the gate.” Alex cupped his face. “Can you do that?”

“Sure,” Justin said. He rubbed his face. “I’m just, there’s this fog.”

Alex handed him the chap stick. “Apply if you think you need more.”

Justin looked at it. “For the record, my lips aren’t chapped.” His hand closed over it.

“Sure they aren’t.” Alex kissed his cheek. She went to Lily’s saddlebags and grabbed her tools and the keystone.

“Five minutes,” Lily said.

“On it.” Alex jogged off.

“Help me get them saddled. They probably won’t fight you.”

Justin nodded.

Together they saddled the horses who tried to move away, but the further time went, the less they fought.

Justin tightened the last girth as the first spell broke over the horses.

They tossed their heads and locked their legs.

“Easy, easy,” Lily said. “We’re going to get all of you out of here. Come on.” She grabbed the reins of Nimbus and two of the others.

Nimbus took charge.

Justin took the other horses including Saga.

Alex had the gate mechanism ripped open and was fitting the keystone inside fitting the wires to it.

Lily took the book out of her pants back and put it in her saddlebag.

Alex flipped switches.

Justin’s brow furrowed.

Alex pushed the lever up. The entire rig hummed. Purple energy swirled around.

“Stop!” Jessica shouted. “They’ve opened the gate!”

Lily got on her horse.

Alex selected a horse at random and mounted.

Justin got on Saga.

“Run!” Lily shouted and Nimbus vaulted forward jumping through the portal and running flat out, the two horses behind him.

Justin urged Saga forward. The other horse followed him.

Alex gave the running Dark Riders the finger and her horse, not willing to be left behind even if the way ahead was pink energy ran after the others.

They ran as fast as they could down the winding floating stone road, jumping the gaps and through the other portal.

Alex jumped through the portal into Pandoria. It fizzled and snapped shut behind her almost taking her horse’s tail.

Justin stared around. “Where are we?”

Lily moved into view, Nimbus’ wings pressed tight over her legs. His horn gleamed in the odd light. “Welcome to Pandoria.”

--

The Soul Horses moved into their positions at the bases of the statues. They looked upwards. Magic swirled around them and they became more than what they were. Starshine’s grey mane and tail turned electric blue, a crystal horn jutted from his head. The end of it gleamed with pink light.

At the base of his statue, magenta light filled the carvings making them grow brighter.

Meteor was no longer just red. He was the red of the Harvest Moon and scattered with crater markings with moving clouds. His mane and tail white gold and glowing. His beard curled under his chin.

The magenta light swelled in the carvings of the Moon Soul Horse Statue and lit up the Dale.

Tin Can stomped his hooves. They turned cloven, like a deer rather than a horse. Lightning swirled around his bronze body and crackled in his golden mane and tail jumping off in jagged sparks and spears.

The lightning jumped from him to his statue. It turned pink and crept up every leg and around the body lighting up the carvings.

Concorde spread his glowing white wings. His coat had turned silver with lighter white gold spots. A feather fell from his wings, drifted down and fell at the base of the statue. A rainbow flared around it and then it turned pink and disappeared. The carvings glowed pink.

Linda carefully shifted the keystone into place.

Magenta light swelled at the base of the broken statue and raced up the carvings of the stairs to the gate. Pink light swirled around like a galaxy, small at first but growing until it stabilized into a door.

Elizabeth’s voice sharpened. “Is that the Harp of Aideen?”

Linda cradled the harp in her arms. She moved to the base of the stairs and plucked the strings. And with the music, she sent her heart after it.

FOR THE ACCOMPANYING IMAGES PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE MY WATERMARK AND CONTACT INFORMATION. THANK YOU. I get it. Some of you might get excited and want to see this stuff in the game, especially the clothes, tack, and pets. However, the only way I want to see this in the game is if I get paid for it. If I see it in the game and I’m not paid for it, there will be hell to pay. You think I’m salty. I’d be angry. Personally, I’m not going to send this info to SSO. If you do, leave my contact information there! Don’t give them any excuses to steal.

Now, I’ll know you haven’t read this note if you leave me comments about how ‘salty’ I am about the game and if I hate it so much I should do something else. I am doing something else. It’s called Mystic Riders MMORPG Project. Mystic Riders however is a very baby phase game. You can check out our plans on the game dev blog. (Skills, Factions, Professions, Crafting, Mini-Games, 25+ horse breeds!) If you know anyone who would be interested and has money or contacts about game making, direct them to the blog.

[willddheartt]

The End and a Beginning | 13 Reasons Why

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4

Summary: The kids of Liberty High have gone through way more than any other school around. Saying goodbye to yet another friend isn’t any easier than the last times.

Warnings: Spoilers, might make u cry. 

Pairings: Reader x the tape crew, slight reader X Zach (platonic? you decide)

Word count: 1.2k

Masterlist

The kids of Liberty High went through a lot, way more than any kid should be asked to. There was nothing right about burying a friend so young, it only got worse when they continued to do so. First with Jeff, then with Hannah. And then some not so friendly faces who had done some bad things but they were classmates after all, Bryce and Monty. Evergreen was a hotspot for tragedy, kids buried parents, parents buried their children, friends said goodbye to friends. With each life taken by the cold grasp of death. Maybe Hannah Baker was the person who set this all into motion, causing a domino effect after taking her own life, maybe it would have happened regardless of who was still alive, but it was never easy. No matter how many times you’d been through it.

The hardest goodbye, by far, was that of the one and only, Justin Foley. The boy who melted hearts with his bright and warm smile that never failed to make someone smile. The boy who had been through hell and back many times over, someone who deserved so much more than he was dealt in this cruel world. As in life, so is death, he was a fighter until the very end. 

Along with many others you had visited him in the hospital in the final days. You almost had to be dragged into his room, seeing Justin laying there seeming so helpless broke your heart. In one of your last visits, Zach accompanied you. The two of you in very hard shape as you saw your friend passed out in his hospital bed. 

“Hey Justin,” You whispered, sitting in the chair next to his bed and grabbing his hand. Zach stood next to you, his hand on your shoulder was the only thing holding you together. “I-I don’t know if you can hear me,” You stuttered as you tried to keep the tears at bay for everyone’s sake. “But I wanted you to know I’m so proud of you, and how far you've come. Everyone is.” You were aware of how much you sounded like a mom but this may be the last time you have to tell him. “Th-thank you. For everything Justin. You saved my ass more times than I can count, even the times when I didn’t ask you, or I got pissed at you for always being in my shit. I can’t ever thank you. But I just want you to know I’ll be forever in debt to you, and-” You paused, getting choked up from the ball you felt forming in your throat. Zach’s grip on your shoulder tightened. “I-I love you man.” 

There was no holding back the tsunami of emotion that followed your final words, tears fell down your cheeks as you kissed his knuckles. Justin stirred slightly, his grip on your hand tightened as he coughed slightly. He used his thumb to wipe a stray tear from your cheek and he smiled at you. “I love you too,” He said horsely. You kissed his forehead.  “I’ll give you two a minute,” you sniffed, leaving Zach and Justin alone. 

Pushing past everyone in the waiting room to get to the bathroom you collapsed into a puddle of tears. Mrs. Jensen followed in after you and was able to pull you into her arms before you fell onto the grimy public bathroom floor. She held you tightly, letting you cry into her shoulder as she whispered that it would be alright softly. Jessica opened the door, saying that Justin wanted to see everyone.

The room was packed. Everyone who was included on the tapes and friends you’ve picked up along the way were gathered around Justin's Hospital bed. He smiled weakly, as Jessica held his hand tightly. You stood next to Zach, his hand returned to your shoulder, now you weren't sure if it was to comfort you or if it was for him. “I know I was kind of a dick to some people, and I could have been better at times-” Clay cut Justin off “You did your best,”  “But,” Justin continued, giving clay a soft glare for interrupting him, “I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you.” Justin said. Everyone nodded in unison, tears brimming everyone's eyes.  “I love you guys,” Even in his last moments his smile could still melt hearts. 

Justin Foley, deceased at 18. Lost to a deadly, incurable, disease that claimed the lives of many and would continue to do so. 

You weren't going to show at his service. It was too painful. But Zach convinced you otherwise. He seemed to be there for you through the past weeks, he looked out for you. The funeral was open for anyone who wanted to speak about Justin. Alex tried to say something but didn’t get more than a few lines out of what he prepared, Clay tried. Taking a breath you made your way to the mic. You had no clue what you were going to say, nor did you have anything prepared, but like Justin taught you, you were going to wing it. 

All eyes went on you as you stood at the podium. It was dead silent except for a few coughs. Taking another deep breath you began, “I don’t actually know what i’m going to say, I didn’t have anything prepared but I feel like this is the right thing. Justin taught me many things, how to play basketball, he taught me how to wing it, and he taught me how to drink,” You earned a few sad chuckles, “I know he didn’t always have it easy, but he was always there if I needed someone. No matter what he looked out for his friends, he made sure we were all safe no matter what. I remember him telling me a year or so back, he didn’t think he was going to be good enough to get into college. He didn’t even have college in his plan. But he applied anyway. I can still see his face the day he told me he had been accepted, the way his eyes light up and his smile. He was so beyond happy. I know if he were still here today, he would have gone so many places this town wouldn't even know what hit it if he ever returned.” You stopped, wiping away a tear that was sliding down your cheek. “I’ve been to way too many funerals in my time on this earth but this one is by far the hardest goodbye to make.” You mumbled as you made your way back to your seat.  “That was beautiful,” Zach whispered when you sat back next to him “You think?” You asked, he nodded.  “He’d be proud.” He nodded

Graduation didn’t feel right, not everyone was there. Justin should have been sitting there in the sea of people wearing the blue smock, waiting to receive his diploma. After the ceremony you all went up to the spot where Clay first listened to the tapes and buried them. 

“Justin should have been here,” You sighed, leaning into Zach’s side. Everyone nodded, “So should Hannah,” Tony agreed.  “We’ll always have each other,” Tyler spoke, “Always be connected,” He smiled.  “Yeah, we’ll always have that,” Zach smiled, throwing his arm around your shoulders as you all looked out over the town that, for the first time in your life, looked small.

[hotchscotchh]

Reimagined; Chapter 12 - Arthur Rykov

This time it feels like an ending and it kind of is. This will be the last chapter before the epilogue! I want to get sappy, but I’ll save it for the next chapter. I have ideas for my next multi-chapter fic, but I think I want to do a rewrite of this first. I love the storyline, but the first few chapters are…. Not Good. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Summary: I told you I have a soft spot for team finds out fics…

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Spencer Reid

Warnings: ANGST, fluff, mentions of NSFW

Word count: 2.1k

Chapter 11 —— epilogue

Read on AO3

Based on 8x3 Through the Looking Glass

Spencer had thought this case would be hard on Aaron, but it turns out it was worse for himself. He was the one who had to sit through the closing interview with the Acklin’s. He had to hear every single detail of what happened to them. He had to sift through every single one of their insecurities and wrong doings. Analyze why the unsub had chosen this family based on their specific “sins.” The thought of their actions being referred to as sins was what was hurting him the most. He knew, reasonably, that Tobias Hankel had kidnapped him as a kind of victim of opportunity and because Spencer was and is an FBI agent, but he’s always wondered if there was some way for some people to see your sins written on you. He knows he isn’t a sinner (he doesn’t believe in God, how can he be?), but sometimes irrational thoughts even get the best of geniuses.

The so called “sin” that held the most weight on him was institutionalizing his mother. He would never forgive himself for the way things went when it happened. He knew it needed to be done, that it was what was best for her. He couldn’t take care of her, and she couldn’t take care of herself. He will always feel selfish for it, though. For the way he just had the men from the Bennington invade her home and take her from it. He should’ve told her it was happening. Given her some kind of warning. But who knows if that would have been any better? It was too late to do anything to change it now.

Aaron noticed on the jet ride home that Spencer was much quieter and more reserved than usual (meaning he just wasn’t talking at all). They hadn’t told the team yet and Aaron knew he couldn’t just scoop the young man into his arms right now and try to make it all better, so he settled into the chair next to Spencer, handing him a book to at least give his hands something to do, and settling a firm hand on Spencer’s knee under the table.

They stayed silent the entire ride home and until they made it to the car. Aaron had told the team to go home and not come in the next day just before deplaning, so they were set to go home. So far, no one had questioned their sudden carpooling. No one had mentioned seeing anything at JJ’s wedding. Aaron couldn’t help but wonder if they knew more than they were letting on.

Once both were seated in the car, Aaron reached over and pulled Spencer into an awkward hug over the center console. Spencer immediately buried his face in Aaron’s neck and hugged him back, his arms slipping up underneath Aaron’s armpits.

“Thank you,” he managed to get out, though it sounded hoarse.

“Jack is still with Jessica. Do you need a meeting, or do you just want to order dinner and go home?” Aaron asked, softly.

Spencer sniffed and pulled back. “Home, please.” They’d been back together for almost five months now, and Spencer had almost completely moved into Aaron’s recently bought house. He’d started bonding with Jack, something he’d never had a chance to do before.

Aaron nodded and decided not to bring up what was wrong until they got there. After driving for a few minutes, Aaron thought he would try and bring up something he had been thinking about for a while now, something that might take Spencer’s mind off of whatever was going on up in that big brain of his. “Do you want to tell the team? About us?”

Spencer looked over at him before smiling and turning back to look at his hands which were neatly folded in his lap. “Alex knows. She asked about it just before the case in Seattle; I wasn’t going to lie to her. She’d have seen right through it anyway. I don’t think anyone is going to be upset. Maybe we could have a team dinner and make the announcement away from work.”

Aaron was taken aback. He wasn’t surprised that Blake knew, she had known the both of them for a long time, but he was surprised and how much it seemed Spencer had thought about this already. “Okay, that sounds good. I’ll call everyone in the morning and see if they’re free tomorrow night. We can sleep in and still have time to go grocery shopping. I don’t know about you, but I’m anxious to get this over with.”

Spencer nodded. “Thai?” he asked, grinning and already punching the number into his phone.

----

After they had eaten, Aaron put some home improvement show on the TV, but neither of them were really paying attention. Spencer had curled into Aaron’s’ side, his hand soon finding the younger man’s hair. “Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you, babe?”

Spencer sighed. “Just feeling guilty, I guess. About my mom. I know I had to do it, but that doesn’t stop the guilt.”

Aaron wasn’t sure what he could say to make Spencer feel better, so he changed the course of the conversation a little. “Does she know about us?” He felt Spencer nod into his side. “I’d love to meet her someday.”

Spencer sat up and moved his had to Aaron’s cheek. He had a look on his face that Aaron had never seen before. “I’d love for you to meet her. I think she’d love you. I know I do,” he answered, placing a soft kiss on Aaron’s lips.

----

The next morning found them making breakfast together after a satisfying round of shower sex. Spencer was leaning back against the island watching Aaron begin to crack eggs into a frying pan. “Aaron, why don’t you go start calling the team? I’ll watch the eggs.” Aaron turned around and kissed Spencer before handing him the spatula, nodding, and walking off to find his phone.

Two miraculous things happened that morning. One: Spencer didn’t burn the eggs. Two: all of the team members were available, and they all offered to bring drinks, deserts, sides, etc., meaning Aaron and Spencer only had to worry about setting up the back yard and getting meat. They had to pick up Jack at 11, so they left at 10 to run to the grocery store, giving them plenty of time.

Arriving to pick Jack up, no matter where he was staying, was always an ordeal. Today, he burst through Jessica’s front door before the pair could even fully get out of the car. “Dad! Spence! I missed you!”

Spencer reached him first, crouching down and accepting Jack’s hug. “Hi, Jack! I missed you too!”

He quickly moved away from Spencer and over to his father, repeating the ritual. “Okay, Jack, let’s go say goodbye to Aunt Jess and get going,” Aaron said, anxious to start setting things up. The family made their way to Jessica’s door where she stood waiting. They kept their interaction brief today, mostly consisting of thank yous and I love yous. Aaron was glad he didn’t have to hide his relationship from Jack and Jessica. They had been very open about everything from the beginning. When it was time to leave, Aaron pushed Jack and Spencer towards the car to have a moment alone with Jessica.

“Thank you again, Jess. For watching Jack and for supporting our relationship. Having your support means a lot to me. I wanted to let you know we’re telling the team tonight.”

Jessica gave a sad smile. “Of course you’d have my support Aaron. And don’t be anxious about the team. They’ll be happy that you’re happy,” she finished, pulling Aaron into a strong hug.

----

Five o’clock found Spencer and Aaron rushing to set a few last-minute things up, working around an overly excited Jack. Spencer stopped in the middle of setting out plates on the table. He wiped a hand down his face.

“Aaron,” he called out. “I need a minute. I’ll be inside.”

Aaron was working at the grill, making sure the propane was full and turned on, but stopped and turned when Spencer started speaking. “Okay, Spence.” Aaron wasn’t sure what was wrong, but seeing his lover running inside his house looking like he was about to pass out wasn’t something he could ignore.

He made his way inside. “Spencer?” he called out, closing the door behind him and making his way towards the living room. There he found Spencer sitting on the edge of the couch, his head in his hands, Jack’s pleas of “Spence, what’s wrong?” being answered only with “not right now, Jack.”

“Jack, why don’t you go play in your room for a little bit? I’ll come get you soon,” Aaron said quietly, pushing Jack towards the doorway. Jack nodded and walked off, the concerned look not leaving his face. Aaron came back to Spencer, kneeling on the floor in front of him and peeling his hands away from his face to reveal tear-stained cheeks. “Oh, baby, what’s going on?”

Spencer sniffed and let out a laugh that probably (definitely) made him sound a little hysterical. “I, uh, I don’t know. Just nervous, I guess. It’s irrational. They all probably already know anyway, they’re profilers for fuck’s sake. Why the hell am I so nervous?” Spencer stood up then, his hands rising to his temples as he paced the room. Aaron moved to sit on the couch.

“How are we going to do this?” Aaron asked. They hadn’t talked about it yet. “Do you want to make a formal announcement, or just, I don’t know, maybe act like we usually do around each other and see how long it takes for someone to say something?”

Thinking rationally always calmed Spencer down, even if only for a little while. He stopped pacing and sat on the couch next to Aaron. “Both? How about we just act normally until we sit down for dinner and make some kind of announcement then?”

Aaron smiled. “That sounds good, baby. Why don’t you go get Jack and we’ll finish setting up? They’ll be here soon.”

----

Six o’clock had them sitting down for dinner. Everyone had arrived all around the same time. Spencer and Jack stayed at the door to greet them while Aaron stayed in the backyard, working on the meat. So far, the pair had been using each other’s first names, giving casual touches. No one had questioned that yet. Nor had they questioned Spencer greeting them at the door, which led him to the conclusion that they all knew.

Sitting down, though, knowing what announcement they were about to make, his hands were shaking. They decided Spencer should be the one to tell them, as some people could claim that Aaron holding Spencer’s job over him. They knew the team would never do that, but Spencer couldn’t help being anxious over it.

Everyone had gotten their plates and settled into casual conversation. Spencer cleared his throat and started, “Um, everyone, I’d like to say something.” He paused, waiting for the chatter to die down and everyone to turn their attention towards him. “I, uh, I’m pretty sure you all know this already, but, um, well, Aaron and I are in a relationship,” he finally managed to stutter out.

There was radio silence for a few moments before Rossi started laughing. “Did you think you were being subtle about it?”

JJ spoke up after that. “Yeah, we all know, Spence. We’re not mad, we’re glad the two of you are happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the pair of you smile as much as you have in the past few months. Has it been going on longer than that?”

Spencer took a few moments to process that before settling back into his seat and leaning into Aaron, smiling. “Well, technically yes. We had a, uh, fling I guess, a few years ago. Before… everything.”

Everyone but Rossi and Morgan looked surprised at that. “Spencer Reid?” Garcia piped up, giggling. “A fling?” Everyone burst into laughter after that, the small amount of tension in the air quickly diffusing.

The night went on as every team dinner did, laughing and horsing around. Talking about anything that didn’t have to do with work. When it came time for everyone to leave, Morgan pulled Spencer off to the side. “I’m proud of you, man. You deserve this. Happiness. But I’ve been missing our guy time!”

“Thank you, Morgan. I don’t think you understand how much I appreciate your support,” Spencer answered, a grin on his face. “I’ll come over this weekend, case permitting, of course.”

That night, when the family of three were alone again, cuddled on the couch watching some Disney movie that Jack liked, Spencer realized that he didn’t think he could ever be happier.

Taglist: @wheelsup @endingsbeginnings

[cocoascriptures]

| LIFE AFTER LIBERTY | 2. JESSICA D. “And if we’re being honest, Never could explain how we align, Never could explain the timeline, Of old ghosts. And if we’re being honest, Think I’d rather stay on this side, It’s unspoken, Unspoken.”

a/n; oh Jess we’ve definitely had our ups and downs but I do want and wish for you to thrive as best as you know how. Here’s Jessica’s possible future. Hope you like! All gifs go right to their rightful owners! This gif belongs to @spookyrps! + song that reminds me of Jess and inspired this one is by Loony — ghosts

Jessica Davis was Righteous, brave, headstrong and many other things that people didn’t like but that never stopped her from being herself

She was accepted into Harvard law school and although she never saw herself living on the east coast, she was thrilled to get away from Crestmont. But that also meant leaving behind someone she deeply loved, Justin Foley.

If you asked Jessica what she wanted to be when she was younger, she wouldn’t have said a lawyer back then. She would have said farming like her farfar (grandfather) was back in Norway.

Some teachers found that humorous back then although her father did not.

However as a young child you never imagine your life to be violated by another person. Jessica had many talks with her younger self and hoped that she would be proud of the woman she is now. Law only felt right.

Jessica never knew love until she met Justin. Her first true love and although many had negative opinions before and after her sexual assault, at the end of the day the only opinions that mattered were her’s and Justin’s. No one else was apart of the relationship so why should anyone else get a say?

After everything they’ve all been through, prom was one of the best things that’s happened in a long time. Until Justin had a health scare. Nevertheless, Jessica stood by Justin and provided as much comfort as she could. She was there when he needed her to be, left when he told her to but not without telling him he was being an asshole to people who just wanted to help him, and she would stay when he secretly wanted her to but wouldn’t say it

Her father didn’t approve of Justin. Never did. Never thought he was good enough for his daughter especially after bryce raped her, Jess understood that but she would go against her father because she loved Justin. Of course she respected her father and loved him too but nothing would stop her from loving Justin. Nothing. Her heart wanted what it wanted.

It was less than three months of summer, and She would be gone from this traumatic place. It was never supposed to be her home permanently, since she was a military kid which usually involved moving every two years.

With Jessica moving to Cambridge, Massachusetts, her parents were spending the summer house searching for another two years...possibly. It was a good thing her father was allowed to stay in the states like these past few years but Jessica knew that wouldn’t last

Last she knew her mother was really voting for Maine while her father was leaning more towards Connecticut. They asked Jessica for her opinion but she spoke up saying that her younger brothers should get the say since she would only be around for holidays, BUT as long as she still had the second biggest room in the house she was fine either way

Summer felt like a blink of an eye. It was the fastest moment of all time ever being in Crestmont and she was the second to leave, after tony.

She spent half of her time imagining what life would be like on the east coast, she knew Hannah always wanted to be in New York. It was the week after the Fourth of July when her mother, and two younger brothers flew out to Massachusetts to take a tour of the school and get a head start of admissions + meeting a counselor + all that fun college shit

Although it felt like a breath of fresh air being outside of California, Jessica promised and knew she had to be back in Crestmont for Justin’s birthday. So after checking out her new school, she flew back home while her mother and little brothers went house hunting in Maine with lots of photos coming her way

They all celebrated Justin’s birthday with Tony on FaceTime down on the beach and even Sheri “came around back in town” from South Carolina — much to Justin’s surprise

Jessica would lie and say that she wasn’t jealous by the way Sheri and Justin held onto each other and chatted like she’s been here through it all. Although she knew Sheri was one of the main ones that helped Justin with his detox along with Tony, she felt like Sheri has a part of Justin that she didn’t

It wasn’t her fault that she pushed Justin away. At that time, she blamed Justin for playing a part in her sexual assault along with Hannah and she felt like she had a right to do so. She moved passed that thought process with some deep, deep therapy...However she hated the fact that another girl was there during one of Justin’s vulnerable times

It was all fake smiles from Jessica’s part when Sheri finally spoke to her and Ani called her out on it. Telling her to let it go, which she did after a few Mai tai’s and would be on her best behavior for the remainder of the night. It was Justin’s birthday after all, and the last one she would spend with him unbeknownst to the 18 year old

At the start she vowed to make it work with Justin, although he was staying behind to start at community college, Diego was texting her the night before she was about to leave. She found out that he was attending Boston university on a basketball scholarship instead of football? He was better at football than basketball but whatever. And guess what? Boston was only 16 minutes away from Cambridge. So of course he was plotting before she even left.

He had left for the summer to get a hang of the new home and told her she was love it out there. It was a whole different life. It was flattering that he was “working” for it but Jessica was still with Justin and would try her best to be loyal

It was a sucky, “see you later,” with Justin but they both got used to it. In fact the distance was a bit of a turn on for a little bit until Jessica became the one to mainly decline his calls

She was either wrapped up in debate courses, slumped in work, and actively planning protests. The field of law told Jessica all that she needed to know about the injustices in the world and what she was going to do to make it better

It was all work hard play hard at the beginning until she met a group of people, including her roommate who was probably into witchcraft, that brought her to sorority parties. That reminded her of parties she threw and parties she went to. She felt anxiety kicking in a little bit and had to separate herself, she would only have three drinks max and would get them herself.

The same thing goes for her roommate Luna, who drank like a fish. She would definitely beat Zach if she had the chance to meet the guy.

In fact Luna seemed to be her only true friend at Harvard. Everyone else seemed to be in competition with each other and tried to get ahead, that was clear in the classes she took. Except for Luna who didn’t play that shit. She was quick to call people out just like Jessica.

She also had three other people that seemed genuine in the RBL (Respect black lives) group. She didn’t start that group, and no one seemed to care that she started her own sexual assault group in high school, hands off our bodies.

“This isn’t high school anymore, girl. We got bigger fish to fry.” One of the guys in the group dismissed her, she remembered being humiliated that a man tried to silence her and make her feel like her truth wasn’t important. Of course she knew this wasn’t high school, he was one of the older guys in the group and came off as arrogant and frankly, he thought his shit didn’t stink.

He also liked to bring up the fact that she was a mixed girl and didn’t know the true struggle of black people. That set Jessica off along with her three group mates: Khalil, Sedona, and Terri.

“That’s the issue, as a black community we should be united and not kicking and judging someone for not being black enough. And even though you and majority of the rest of you feel the need to bring me down for something I’ve had no control over, I still stand next to you. I’m here to fight for many injustices, and black injustices is one of them. So you will start to treat me with the same respect I’ve been giving you. I am a black woman, I identify as such and if you don’t agree? That’s your issue. I’m here to fight for my brothers and sisters so respect that or please for the love of god, shut your bitch ass up.”

Jessica wasn’t used to being silenced. She hasn’t been that way for two years now but it felt like she was intimidated in the beginning. She was never tested on her blackness before and she couldn’t remain quiet for too much longer, so she let the guy have it. And it took just that for the rest of the group to engage with her.

She engaged but she didn’t socialize with them the same like she did with Khalil, Sedona, and Terri. In fact they hung out all the time outside of the RBL, going to parties together, making studying groups, and traveling to bars off campus.

Diego was still around encouraging her and her friends to come over to his campus, saying they were better. That wasn’t true but sure, Jess would keep him entertained from time to time.

When Jess did get a break, she took her time talking to her family in their new home in Connecticut and talking to Ani through zoom, asking her how journalism life was going for her at NYU.

Ani didn’t mind prying and getting answers out of Jess and Jess didn’t mind giving the information since at times she feels like she couldn’t talk to anyone else. And she needed to let the weight down, plus Jessica hadn’t had a real girl-friend in a long time to talk about her problems

She also noticed that Ani separated herself from the group chats. Only speaking to her, Alex from time to time, but mostly Tony & Caleb. “What’s that about?”

“It’s not many of you that liked me to begin with, I just thought I’d make it easier for everyone and only talk to the people that care for me, yeah?”

“Well you don’t need anyone else but me so. Don’t tell tony I said that.” “Of course, we all know secrets are safe with me...except this one, you know winston’s been reaching out to me about Alex.” “Ew, why?” “I don’t know but I’ve been telling him it’s a bad move. Especially since there’s something going on with him and Ryan.” “Ryan?!” “Uh huh.” “Jesus Christ.”

Jessica devoted her time, right on time, three years to getting her Juris Doctorate and still has four years to go to get a bachelors in political science

By twenty-one she was open to the idea of being with Diego since she came to terms with officially calling it quits for Justin years ago. For once she didn’t have to be in a serious relationship, and just had fun. Sure she dated around and hooked up with Khalil a couple of times but it was all casual. She needed to explore that side of her.

Three years prior went by and not once did Diego stop talking to her. Which showed a lot of persistence and she liked a man that was all about her. She had already slept with Diego when she found out Justin was moving on with his roommate named Jiya.

That left a bitter taste in her mouth, something she would never tell Diego even though she angrily had sex with him after learning of Justin’s new love life. She thought about him too selfishly until she decided that she needed to get closure from Justin. He needed to get out of her system fully. So she called him.

It hurt to let go of a high school love that you thought you saw forever with, but you can’t keep placing weight on yourself. It wasn’t right and anxiety was a real bitch.

Things progressed slowly with Diego but Jessica wasn’t a hundred percent sure she saw forever with him. I mean she was only twenty-one so she didn’t have to see that with him just yet. Yet she heard stories about how some people just knew when they met the one. It was like that for her parents when they met in Norway.

Jessica thought she had that with Justin but she wanted to try with Diego. Yet she saw different sides to him, he turned into a whole another person when he was upset. He would throw things and hit walls and scream in her face while jabbing his fingers in and at her. It felt verbally abusive but she stayed around just to say she had someone when the nights got lonely

He wasnt the worse person she’s ever met but Diego also had a lot of anger inside of him too that he needed to work on. Whenever Jess told him about it, he threw a bitch fit and Jess left not wanting to deal with his bullshit anymore, it was exhausting. He’d say he was sorry and would get better and knew he could be better but Jessica didn’t need someone to fix. She was fighting for other things in life now. She had her own life to deal with and Diego Torres didn’t need to be apart of it.

He claimed he was in love with her, and had been from the moment they first met but Jessica thought it was just lust. And she didn’t reciprocate those feelings in this time.

However she kept Diego around a little longer much to Ani’s disapproval, but they only met up to be intimate and Diego was beginning to get tired of it. He’d want to take her out on dates but Jess always had events to go to that she stopped inviting him to and was slumped studying for exams with Sedona and Terri.

In the middle of her semester she began looking at different programs finding that she was slowly but surely getting tired of school and this social life that began to feel like a chore. Jessica Davis needed to feel something more.

So after some digging she found that she could continue her studies online while on a cruise. This program allowed her to view cultures from all across the globe and apply it to her bachelors degree, political science. It also allowed her to see different injustices that people were facing. So sign her tf up!!!

Yes she was privileged having a father that worked in the military which allowed her to get on the cruise for a lower price + financial aid was generous from time to time but most likely there would be loans she would have to pay back since she was starting on her fourth year in school now

Little did she know ani hopped on the same opportunity but the friendship felt short lived when Jess found out that ani took and was still taking Mrs. Walker’s money for Bryce so she could go to school.

“You continue to lie to me and I just don’t know how I can be friends with a liar.” “What would you like? An apology for taking money that I could use to better myself? I’m not fortunate enough to be here on military discount.” “No you dont have to apologize, it wouldn’t make sense to now would it? You should have just been honest. That you like taking handouts from a rapists’ family. They didnt do this out of the kindness of their hearts, Ani!” “See this is why you’ll be all by yourself in the end, Jess. You only see and believe things to be your way. We all have to do things to get by, just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean things have to go your way. This is my life and I’ll live it the way I want to.” “I pity you. Just like Mrs. Walker does. Does your mother know that she’s got you wrapped around her finger like Bryce did?” “Fuck you, Jessica Davis.” “No, fuck you!”

Life continued to be hard in ways of friendship and love but maybe that’s not what she really needed. Maybe she needed the atmosphere of the world around her to teach her something more. She’s been to portgual, Morocco, Algeria, turkey, and ended in Brazil.

By 26 Jessica decided that she found her home elsewhere. She never felt at home in the states. When she came back fully completing her law program, she went to Connecticut to see her family and stayed for a few months before deciding to relocate all on her own to Portugal. When she first arrived on the cruise, she let out a sigh of relieve. She felt at ease.

Life in Portugal was...something to get used to opposed to tourism. Jessica took up the time before coming here to learn the language buying books and watching films only in Portuguese. Tyler loved that Jessica was out exploring the new world, as he was traveling more with his photography. He was currently in Germany on a work trip and enjoyed it.

Jessica and Tyler were the only ones who still talked at the point. Clay still reached out even though her and Justin decided to let each other go but after awhile there wasn’t much more to talk about. Clay always made sure everyone celebrated the anniversary of Hannah baker but otherwise than that they stopped talking too. And she was okay with that. She would check in with Alex every other month but his texts seemed dry so she figured he wanted to be left alone or he was either on ani’s side now. Whatever. She thought about calling ani but fuck that, ya know. But she did miss her some days. The rest, they’d like a photo or two of hers on social media but that was pretty much it. Her number never changed.

Diego had her blocked, she called to talk through how they left things but NOPE he was done with her ass too

Tyler agreed that he would love to visit her sometime, maybe around his birthday or New Years—if she wasn’t busy. They still needed to work out the details but Jessica was happy to know that Tyler was doing well.

She became adjusted to eating seafood most of the time, the cost of living here was great but she had to get used to living in a smaller space but bigger than her dorm room and the narrow windy streets, clothes were expensive here so she learned how to sew her own clothes or find thrift shops way out of town, and the pay here even as a lawyer was lower than in the states.

By thirty, Jessica decided to start going on blind-dates at restaurants by the stunning beaches here. The men were beautiful, super nice, and the way they spoke was also lovely to hear even though she should be used to it by now. She met all sorts of guys, none of them american but that didn’t matter. It wasn’t something she was looking for anyways.

There was one or two guys she wouldn’t mind seeing again but Jess didn’t know if getting back into a relationship was what she needed right now. However her mother thought different, she wanted her first born to give her some grand-babies by now but she already had one on the way due to her twenty-one year old brother, Elijah getting his girlfriend from high school pregnant. They were still together. Must be nice. Jess met her a couple of times and she liked her. It took a lot for Jess to admit that and to warm up to people. She could honestly say she hated her youngest brother’s friends and his girlfriends.

It didn’t hurt to get back out on the scene. She told her mom that she did get lonely and was tired of meaningless hookups, yes she shared that info with her mom—and Tyler but, whatever. She wanted someone that she could come back to in her homey apartment, talk to, sleep next to, and just having someone there would be nice.

“Get a cat or a hedgehog. I don’t know what the common pet there is.” Her youngest brother, Cooper chimes in over their mother’s shoulder on the zoom chat. “I can’t afford a animal right now.” “Told your ass you shouldn’t have moved out there right after school. You barely worked while in school.” “Hey, coop? Kiss my ass.”

Anyways there were two guys that she meshed with on the blind dates. One was older than her by five years, making him 35. Jess never thought much of older guys except for certain avengers she had crushes on but Celso was an intelligent man. An entrepreneur who enjoyed exercising on the beach, he was slightly graying around his facial hair but it was extremely sexy to Jess. He had been married once but his wife was killed and the case was never solved, which peaked Jess’s interest? No shock there. He was intelligent and well known around here, making Jess wonder why he was single, which she asked. Celso took time just like Jess to be by himself and grow on his own.

Then there was Frederico who was two years younger than Jess. He flew helicopters and liked to have a good time at bars and do spontaneous activities around the town, was a smooth talker, and knew how to make her laugh. Whereas Celso knew how to challenge her. Frederico would bring out the fun side of Jess whereas Celso could build with her. It all came down to what Jess truly wanted.

So...she called Justin one night when she was home alone, raining after downing a bottle of wine. It always seemed like she was calling him. She didn’t know if it was alright to call him, but fuck it. They were still friends right? She needed to call him. Tipsy? Probably not. She thought he would have answered but he didn’t.

Which hurt? But she left him a message she would forget later on. He’d listen to it and think about sending her a text but decided against it. He closed their chapter awhile ago and they needed to stand by it. He was with someone else now and was planning to marry them. Jess needed to be happy and she couldn’t do that if she was still attached to him.

Days turned into months where she went to work, which usually consisted of slow days in the office. Her day was brightened up when a familiar face knocked on the glass window to get her attention. He walked in dressed in his business atire, holding white roses.

“Shall we get lunch, Meu amor?” Celso asked, his eyes only on Jessica.

She looked different now. Her once dark brown hair tinted a deep reddish brown like Beyoncé had in the film obsessed and cut into a pixie cut with a long side bang. She started parting her hair to the side instead of down the middle. She worked out with Celso now, toning her slim thick figure and found working out actually helped her anxiety.

Things were beginning to pick up. She took guidance from Celso who told her work would be better for her out in Porto where he worked but Jess was never one to bow down to a man. She didn’t need to view it as such but he was a native, he would know but she liked to challenge him back. They were a good fit. And often took a train out there on weekends since Celso lived there himself.

“Lunch and much more.” Jess replied, grabbing her jean jacket and bag as she got up to press a kiss to the man’s cheek and shove a newspaper into his chest while taking the white rose from his hand.

“Oh what new revolution do you have for us today?” He smiles flicking the paper out as he followed the woman out into the sun.

Life begins now.

[scottfuckingreed]

Polaroids - Scott Reed

-

Not requested

-

SUMMARY: This is set around the time when Zach gives Clay the rest of the Polaroid’s, and they’re trying to find proof of Bryce being a dick really. Y/N wants to reveal something but she can’t because of Bryce. She’s a little scared of what her friends might think.

-

Warnings!: swearing, gets a bit sexual, and a general Bryce being Bryce warning

Liberty High School is known for people keeping secrets. Everyone is pretty much hiding something, and it seems that these secrets are about someone else. Or involving someone else. Or someone else’s secret. It never seems simple. It’s always complete madness.

It’s a typical day, which only ever seems to start with seeing Monty hurting somebody. Today the victim is Tyler Down. I wish I had the guts to stop him, or to say at least something, but I don’t. So I just roll my eyes and continue walking through the hallway to my locker. A smile spreads on my face when I see Jessica leaning against my locker. I go up to her and hug her, squeezing her slightly before letting go. “How are you doing?” I ask. I never want to specifically asking how it feels to see Bryce in the halls so I don’t. Well, I want to ask, but it’s just feels intrusive. “It’s getting better day by day,” she says, but we all knows it’s not true. I get it. She must get asked that loads of times throughout the day. I unlock my locker with the combination and take out my needed books: which are English and blank notepad. “Ugh I wish I had English first,” she grunts, glancing down at my book. “Tell me about it, but wait for me after?” I beg. She nods, leaving me to slam my locker and head to English.

I throw myself down at the desk next to Tyler. Unlike a lot of the students, I don’t have a big problem with Tyler. “Hey Y/N,” he smiles lightly at me as we lock eyes. My eyes drift from his, going to the printed photographs in his hands. “What are those?” I ask, and he hands them to me to look through. “I’m trying to pick the best ones for yearbook. I could use your help actually.” I flick through them. Most of them are of the baseball team. With them being the ‘backbone’ of the school, there’s usually quite a big section for them. Speaking of, Scott Reed enters the classroom and takes the empty seat next to me. I can’t say this is random. “Let me see those?” He asks when he sees that they’re photos with him in. “Please?” He adds, and smiles massively at me. I pass them to him. I wouldn’t let any of the others touch them, but Scott’s different. I know Scott. “I like this one, I look decent in it,” he pauses, turning to look my dead in the eyes. “Don’t you think Y/N?” My heart skips slightly. “You wish.” Rolling my eyes, I take the photos back from Scott and pass them back to Tyler. “But I do agree with Scott, this ones the best one,” I smile before turning my head to the front of the class. Even with my eyes fixed on the teacher, I can see Scott glancing my way every now and then. Fuck my life.

My lips attach to his as my back leans against the wall of an ally way near by. We’d skipped, and that usually ain’t me, but it’s what needs to happen. Maybe lately it is me. “Do- you know- how- hard- it is- to pretend- we’re not- together?” With each pause I had another kiss placed on my lips. There’s nothing visibly wrong with our relationship. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with the relationship at all. The problem is Bryce. And the fact that Scott is one of Bryce’s best friends. And I’m not about to be that bitch who tells her boyfriend who he can and can’t be friends with. So we make do... in private. “I think we should just be public,” he send a kind-of whisper into my ear before nibbling on my lobe. “I’m not ready for that Scott,” I lie. I am VERY ready for us to be public. Just everyone seeing how cute and sweet he is, ugh. Come on! That’s perfect. I want everyone to see my Scott, not the Scott who’s friends with Bryce. He takes a step back which is the last thing I want. Grabbing his hand, I pull him back closer. The space between us is only slight as my hand reaches up to his face. “I can’t keep pretending that I-“ he pauses, thinking of how to finish the sentence. I know what I want him to say, but we’re only 6 months into the relationship, so he doesn’t say anything close. “That I’m single.” I sigh at his words. He’s right. “You don’t have to,” I let out another sigh before continuing. “Just don’t mention my name or anything. I’m not ready.” Once again, I AM.

We’re only out of school for less than 2 hours. Wishing it was more, I walk back into the school building - alone - with a huge smile on my face. It’s currently lunch, so I head straight for the cafeteria. My eyes instantly lock to my friends sat around our average table. Across the room is Scott’s. As much as I want to be near Scott, I want to be as far away from Bryce as I can. “Hey guys!” I smile and sit myself next to Clay. “Where have you been?” Jessica has a sharp tone but still asks with a smile. “Why what’s up?” I ask. Oh shit. My eyes widen as I realise I was meant to wait for her after first lesson. “Oh my god I totally forgot. I’m so sorry,” if it was anyone else I wouldn’t have felt as bad. Since it’s Jess, I don’t know. I know she needs people to have her back. “I just spaced and started doing something else.” Something else being sneaking out of school to meet my boyfriend who’s one of Bryce’s best friends. “Chill Y/N, I get it.”

Lunch times are probably my favourite time of the day. I get to be with my best friends; Clay, Jessica and Alex; and where I sit is in eye line of Scott. It’s so cringe and lame but we frequently glance at each other and look away. When our eyes meet it sends a weird buzz through my body. It’s hard not to smile every time I see him. “Zach gave me the rest,” Clay says, literally randomly in the middle of a conversation. The rest of us look confused and gaze blankly back at Clay. “The rest of what?” Alex asks. “He gave me a box of polaroids.”

This honestly seems like it came from nowhere. We all seem to go semi speechless. “Uh-oh-we-“ I stop as I find no words want to escape my mouth. I silence myself to collect my thoughts as the other two remain silently tooling at each other. “You’re telling me it was Zach?” Clay shushes me to quieten down. “I wasn’t expecting it either,” he shrugs. “So he was the one who gave you the other two?” Breaking his silence, Alex sounds just as confused as me. “I’d assume so yeah,” clay sighs. “But why?” Jess adds. “Look, I don’t know. I just need your guys’ help looking through these.”

We’d planned to meet up at Clay’s in the evening, but I still had plenty of time to see Scott. Speaking of, I walk up to his house. We’re very undercover. You’d assume we could at least tell his parents. But they’re close friends with Bryce’s parents so we can’t risk anything. Here’s what I do. There’s a big bin ironically under Scott’s window. I assume Scott moved it so he can sneak out, but I can also easily sneak in. I’m quite a bit shorter than Scott so it’s a bit of a struggle. A struggle that’s worth it. The window opens as soon as my feet get firmly on the bin. After this I need to use my upper body strength, which ain’t much, to lift myself up. “My parents aren’t home,” he announces as I sit myself on his window ledge. My heart is racing and my breath is heavy. “You tell me this now?” I grunt, throwing myself towards Scott to catch me. “I like watching the effort,” he shrugs with a subtle smile forming. “Dickhead.”

Scott lets out a quiet moan. I wish I could say we were having sex or something, but no. We were currently laid on his bed, his head on my boob. “Do you enjoy it that much?” I laugh as I continue gently scratching my nails through his hair. He turns his head up slightly, our eyes meeting, which makes me melt a little inside. “You have no idea.” He moves his head back down to watch the tv. “Turns me on a little actually,” I lose it as those words fly out of his mouth. My hands go over my face to cover both my redness and the tears forming in my eyes from laughing. I didn’t even notice him move off me only to feel hands grip my ankles and pull me further down the bed. He removes my hands from my face, interlocking our fingers, and placing a kiss on my forehead. “Fuck you’re cute,” he breathes. “But I’m being serious,” I smile massively at his words. Lifting my head as far as I can to kiss him, I wait for him to meet me half way. As his perfect lips meet mine, I know that this is right where I want to be. This is who I want to be with, and this is who I want everyone to see. Scott isn’t Bryce.

Scott drops me to Clay’s, meaning he let me out around the corner. It’s hard to say why I care so much. Is it because of Jess? Yes. Am I afraid of what she and others will think of me? Maybe. I can’t tell Scott that. I try and explain it to myself and it makes no sense, so how would it make sense to him? Or anyone?

“There she is!” Clay throws his arms up in the air as I walk into his room. His mum let me in. “Sorry guys, hows it going?” I ask and take a seat on the floor. It takes me a second to actually realise the mess of it. Polaroid’s splattered across. They’re spread out, yet there’s so many that you can’t see any past the top layer. This is disgusting. “As good as it can,” he replies. “I just feel so sorry for all these girls,” Jess sighs as she throws another into the ‘seen’ pile. Picking up a handful, I start helping them out.

All we’re looking for is Bryce. Photos of him with other girls. We want proof of him being a prick and a dickhead and everything more. But I can’t help but worry as I flick deeper and deeper into the pile. I see Bryce and Monty and Marcus with girls. Naked girls. I never even thought to question Scott. Yes I question his choice of friends maybe but never his character. Maybe I should’ve, as I lay eyes on several photos with Scott in. A thousand thoughts rush through my head. They’re nothing bad, but he’s there. Does that mean he witnessed some of the vile things Bryce does to girls? And he continued to support him and his behaviour. I’m absolutely heartbroken as I take a photo and slyly put it into my pocket. Wiping my nose in my sleeve, I clear a tear too. “Are you okay?” Jess nudges me with a concerned tone. “Shit Y/N you’ve gone pale,” Alex adds. I feel physically sick. “I can’t look at these anymore.”

I gaze across at my phone as it rings for 4th time in a row. What am I even meant to say to him? Is the Scott I know the real Scott, or is it that douche he become when he’s around Bryce?

Voicemail.

“Hey Y/N, I know you’re probably asleep right now, but I was just calling to say goodnight. I- See you tomorrow beautiful.”

- the next day -

A messy bun, shorts, and a baggy sweatshirt represents my mood entirely and drag my feet to school. The first person I see is Bryce. Looking at him just makes me so angry. Like, who gave him the right to treat girls like shit and make monsters like Monty? “Looking good Y/N,” he smirks, eyeing me up and down as I enter the shitty school. At any other time I would’ve just felt uncomfortable, but now I’m just fed up. “Honestly Bryce, fuck off.”

I’m at my locker when I get a tap on my shoulder, which startles and makes me jump. When my eyes meet Scott’s, I just wanna break down. His face just doesn’t fit the image of him in my head right now. I take a deep breath before letting half of my mouth smile at him. I’m not sure if I’m angry at him, or upset, or if I just wanna hug him. “Hey Scott,” my voice comes out in a whisper so I cough to clear my throat. “Hey, is everything okay?” He asks, lowing his voice before continuing. “Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve drove you.” Avoiding eye contact, I look through my locker, ‘looking for books’. “I didn’t want it to be too obvious,” I lie. “I drive you every day Y/N,” he lets out a laugh in disbelief. “I think Jess is starting to get suspicious,” I lie again. I can tell by his face he doesn’t believe me, but he smiles and nods anyway. “Are we meeting for lunch today?” He asks. I know I should be upset with him, but I can’t help but smile at him bigger than I should be. Lunch dates are my favourite, and I know he knows that. “Of course,” I nod. His face brightens at my response, which hurts every part of my soul. He turns away, but I know that if I don’t ask him now I’ll get distracted. “Scott,” I call, making him instantly turn back around and walk up to me. “Yes?” His smile is so fucking cute, but I have to ignore that right now. “What happens in the Clubhouse?” As the words leave my mouth, my heart starts to race. He has no reason to lie, and yet... Before responding he blinks violently and clears his throat. “The Clubhouse?” Cough. “I don’t know.” His words chip away at my heart. “You don’t?” I feel myself getting angry as he shrugs. “I’ve never- I mean, where’d you hear about it?” His eyes gaze at anywhere but me. “I heard Bryce talking about it.” I lose the energy to even smile at him, but my patience grows thinner and thinner. “You’ve been though right?” I add. I reach into my pocket to grab the Polaroid and watch his head shake no. “Right.” Bluntly, I smack the photo onto his chest and walk away. He starts yelling my name, but his voice just fades as my head begins to spin. How was I so fucking stupid? I suddenly feel an urge to throw up.

The whole day so far is a blur. I see the teacher talking - and I’m even looking at them - but I hear nothing. In the corner of my eye I can see Bryce and his group. No Scott. He’s probably in the Clubhouse. He’s probably being this whole other person that I’ve been too blind to see. I don’t want to see him, but I wanna scream at him.

We get to lunch, and it’s the same old. We’re talking about the Polaroid’s which I now have no interest in whatsoever. But it’s the first time I’ve seen these guys all day. And it’s a relief to sit with people I can trust. “Y/N are you okay? You’ve been off all day,” Clay’s voice is soft as he speaks those words to me. I’m clearly not fine. Cough. “Yeah- I’m fine. I’m just tired,” I reply as I spin an apple around on the table. They all look at each other in a ‘she’s not okay’ way. “Well we found a few Polaroid’s that we can use,” Clay continues. PolaroidPolaroidPolaroidPolaroidPolaroid. The word just spins on a constant loop between Clays mouth and my head. A constant reminder that Scott lied and I don’t know why he lied but I still don’t believe he’s a bad person. He can’t be. I finally lose it, slamming my hands on the table and clench my teeth together, “Can we shut up about the fucking Polaroid’s for 5 minutes?!” They just blink at me.

- After School -

I stare at my ceiling. It’s plain white, and yet it’s the other thing that makes sense right now. Trying to compose my thoughts and my feelings is just... not happening. Am I angry? Yes. Am I upset? Extremely. I just want answers. I need answers.

So here I am; Outside Scott’s house. I take a glance at the bins. I wish I could just hop on them, climb through his window and pretend nothing happened. But I can’t. So, for the first time ever, I knock on the door and his mum answers. I didn’t think this is how I’d meet his mum for the first time. Her eyes seem surprised. “Uhm, I’m here to see Scott,” I struggle out. A smile spreads across her face. “You must be Y/N,” my eyes widen. What? I can’t help but feel warm knowing he’s spoken to his mum about me. Why’s it so hard to convince myself that Scott’s a shitty person?

I push his door open, and we lock eyes. I can’t describe the speed of which he stood up when he saw me. “Y/N, what are- I mean- I didn’t expect you- Uhm... come in,” he coughs and gestures me to sit on the end of his bed. I don’t take the offer, but I send him a forced small smile. Looking at him, even just for a glance, I forget why I’m mad. He has this energy around him. “I just,” I sigh and look down to the floor. “I think I deserve an explanation Scott.” I can tell by his face that he doesn’t have one. I can tell that he probably just panicked and lied. But I want to hear that from him. “I don’t know what to say Y/N,” he shrugs and forces himself away for my he eye contact. My heart breaks a bit more. I begin to look up to stop the tears. I can see that he notices as his face changes and he steps forwards to possibly hug me. Stopping his with my hand, I continue with my point. “You-“ I take a deep breath as my mouth goes on to say something I’ve wanted to for a long time. “You are friends with a disgusting human being - if you can even call him that. I know you’re nothing like him. Trust me. But you sticking up for him, and knowing this goes on just-“ he starts to shake his head. “What goes on?” He interrupts. Another deep breath. “Don’t act like you don’t hear the way Bryce talks about girls, the way he acts. You have to of seen this,” I take another Polaroid out my pocket, one which was just of Bryce with some girl. He looks at it, but just for a second. His eyes looks away as if it’s too much for him to see. “I’ve never seen these, where did you get them?” “Zach gave them to us.” I reveal. He takes a deep breath, staring intensely at the Polaroid, then back at me. I watch him take a step forwards, and I want to stay where I am, but as his hand reaches out to touch my arm I force myself to take a step back. “Y/N please,” is that hurt in his voice? Am I being naive to think he’s the same guy I thought he was? “I have to go.”

The walk from his house to mine was long, and yet it wasn’t long enough. Sitting at home was emotionally draining as my thoughts run wild in the night. I need to turn it off. I force a smile at my mum before walking up the stairs and seeing Jess sat on my bed.

“Hey Jess,” I smile and release my hair from its disgusting messy bun. “What’s going on with Scott?” She asks, making my eyes widen. “What?” Pure confusion fills my body. “I was gonna ask you earlier but I thought I’d let you explain just to me first,” is she mad at me? “If he’s tried something on with you, or he’s done some-“ “No.” I stop her. As much as I definitely don’t wanna talk about Scott right now, and I could run his name through the ground, I can’t. “You can tell me, I understand,” her words sting. I know since Bryce she probably has quite a negative feeling about the jocks. If you heard most of the things they speak of and they they talk about girls, it’s truly disgusting. “It’s not like that Jess,” my words just make her eyebrows raise, waiting for what it is actually like. “We were, dating? I guess,” her mouth drops. “Y/N...” she sighs. “Its fine, it’s over anyway.” It’s over without it actually feeling over. To be honest, I don’t want it to be over. “You can’t trust anyone in that group, you know that,” I do. “What did he do then? To make you end it?” All I do is sighs and she assumes my answer. “I know Scott seems like a decent guy compared to the rest of them, but they’re all the same. Justin was the same.” I feel the true pain it brings Jessica to think about Justin, let alone say his name. We all avoid talking about Justin. I’m surprised she mentioned him at all. She stands up, getting ready to leave, but I pull her in for a hug before she moves too far away. “I’m sorry Jess.” I say simply. Should I of explained what he actually did? There’s no way she assumed right. Jess probably assumed worse. But I don’t have the energy to explain right now. If anything, I’ll probably cry.

- the next morning -

If I hit snooze there’s no way I’m going to school, so I force myself up and out at the first sound of my alarm. To be completely honest, I used to dress up for Scott. Not in a sexual way or to ‘turn him on’, but I’d put a bit more effort in. It feels weird that I don’t need to try and impress him right now. So grab the first thing I lay my hands on, which is a pair of joggers, and match them with a cropped hoodie. Let’s just go and get this over and done with.

I see Clay, Alex and Jess - and I smile as honestly as I can at them. “Hey guys,” I adjust my backpack on my shoulder when I notice only Jess smiles back. And it’s an ‘I’m sorry’ sort of smile. “You were dating Scott? What the fuck Y/N?!” Clay shouts angrily at me, I shush him as violently as I can, but I’m exhausted. I knew this would happen. I glance at Jess. “Thanks Jess,” I grunt. “They needed to know Y/N, and you need to know we’re here for you.” A hand grabs my shoulder, and I appreciate Alex’s gesture, but they’ve got the wrong idea. “Thanks, but you’re making it sound worse than it is.”

I spend about 5 minutes explaining to them the whole story. It was actually quite nice to tell people about me and Scott, even if it’s when we’re over. “I don’t know what you expected,” Clay mumbles. “Fuck you Clay. This is why I kept it a secret anyway.” I catch him roll his eyes. “So we can forgive Justin for what he did, but Scott’s a bad guy? Fuck this I’m going home.”

I struggle to not punch anything and everything on the way home. Between being pissed off at Scott, and then pretty much falling out with Clay over Scott... it’s just a mess. It shouldn’t have even happened! Why do I have such an urge to protect Scott? Especially when Clay isn’t completely wrong. I’ve really fucked up.

A few hours pass. It’s been a very unproductive day. I tried sitting and watching a movie, but I couldn’t stay still. I would’ve worked out but... no? So I spend my time scrolling through my phone. ‘Ryan’ pops up as a snapchat notification on my phone. I’m completely shocked at the sight beyond me. “Shit,” I mumble to myself as I watch a video of a massive fight in the hall. So much testosterone. Alex hitting Monty across the head, Cyrus pushing so many jocks it’s actually funny. It’s a complete mess. I begin the laugh until I see Scott’s arms spread around Clay. I immediately sit up and lock my phone with eyes wide. I couldn’t even finished the video. Grabbing my hoodie, I go for a very long walk.

My walk lasted about 2 hours. I couldn’t tell you where I went, I’m just so fucking angry I kept going and going. I walk until I get a text.

‘Meet us at Monet’s - it’s urgent!!’ - Clay.

“What the fuck happened? I burst as soon as I see the three of them. “I leave and everything starts?” I take my seat rather suddenly. “Are you okay?” Alex laughs. “Yeah but- I’m sorry. For Scott and being a bitch earlier. I didn’t mean it,” I get a nod from Clay, but his eyes drift behind me. I turn to see Scott. He automatically takes a seat at our table. “Leave Scott,” I sigh. It hurts to see him. His face is hard to read. “We invited him, actually...” Clay admits. “Right okay..? So you go for Clay and suddenly your best friends?” Scott’s eyes lock with mine. “I didn’t lay a hand on him. I wouldn’t do that to you.” My heart aches. “Well... thanks. We’re figuring out what to do about Monty and Bryce,” Clay presses his lips firmly together. “I know where Monty hides out when his dad...” he pauses and coughs. “Bryce doesn’t know about it. We can get to Monty on his own.” I listen to parts of the plan, constantly getting distracted with looking at Scott. My heart breaks more and more. His eyes lock with mine one again, but this time I don’t have it in me to look away. Blinking to try and stop it, my eyes begin to water. I think it’s time for me to leave. I don’t get more than a few metres out of Monet’s until Scott’s by my side. “I don’t want you to be upset Y/N,” his hand goes around my arm. “What do you expect Scott?” My voice breaks. “At least let me drive you home.”

I take him up on his offer, but I’m not sure what to do with myself. “I never did anything in the Clubhouse,” he says simple. “So why did you lie?” My voice is just a whisper. “I- I don’t know. I thought you’d think I was different-“ “That’s exactly what lying made me think.” Silence. There’s silence until I’m outside my house. I open the car do, but his words stop me from leaving. “I’m done protecting him, just so you know.” The words finally spring to mind, as well as, “Why?” My hand closes the door, leaving me inside with him. I didn’t want to leave. I should though. “It’s not worth... it’s not worth pushing you away.” His fingers tap the steering wheel in anxiousness. “Scott...” I whisper is awe. I promise I tried to keep my smile under control, so I just let out a slight small one. Inside I’m gleaming. “I’ll see you tomorrow Scott.”

I’m laid staring at my ceiling again. This time I find myself trying not to call Scott, or text Scott, or think about Scott. It’s driving me insane. His words, his eyes, his scent - it’s all making me want to just run back. It’s not the right thing. But here I am. “I wasn’t expecting this,” he lets out a chuckle as he answers my call. “Shut up,” I whisper with a quiet laugh. “What’s up?” I think for a second. I should lie. I should tell him I didn’t mean to call him. Or I could tell him- shit. “I just- I can’t sleep,” okay so we’re not lying. “Me neither.” There’s a pause before, “I’m gonna confront Monty tomorrow,” my heart sinks. That worries me more than words describe. What if Monty turns on him? What if Monty hurts him? I already feel guilty. “Tomorrow?” “Yeah,” his voice is breathy, as if he’s unsure of doing it. “You- I- what if he flips out on you?” I sit myself up, getting into a ‘hug knees’ position. He lets out another little laugh. I wish he wasn’t so fucking cute. I can’t even see his face, but I can see him in my head. “I’ll be fine Y/N.” “Scotty,” I let out a weep as the worry hits me a bit too much. I wipe my now wet right cheek. “I’m scared.” Shut up Y/N! “Fuck don’t say that.” “Why?” I know why. Its not his problem right now. Just hang up on me Scott! Shut me up! “Cause I’m now very close to getting some shoes on and coming to see you,” melting. “I’m gonna be fine Y/N,” he adds. His voice is calming. I lay myself down on my side. “I’ll come with you, if you want?” I whisper. “We both know you can’t.” Another pause. “But I’ll stay on the call with you until you fall asleep.” We’ve done that a lot through the past dating months. “I’m sorry,” I begin to close my eyes. “I’m sorry for being such a bitch,” Scott’s full of chuckles tonight as he lets out another. “You had the right to be angry.” Maybe I over-reacted. I feel myself drifting off. “Hey Y/N?” His voice is calming. I reply with a ‘mmhm’. “Did we break up?” I smile to myself. “No,” I whisper. I thought we did. I can’t let him go. “Good, cause I love you.”

- 9am the next morning -

It’s a Saturday morning. Early? A little. But I need to see Scott. I rush myself up, putting some shorts on and a hoodie that is definitely not mine (Scott’s).

I climb up on the bin, push the window that was slightly open fully open. He’s still in bed. I close the window back to where it was before taking my shoes off. Scott’s eyes open slightly. Letting myself into his bed, it’s nice to feel his warmth again. I feel safe here. With him, I feel okay. I turn to face him, his eyes still only slightly open. “Scotty?” I whisper, getting a soft grunt in return. “I love you too.”

I fell asleep curled up to him, awakening at about 11:30 to kisses on the cheek. “Thank you for coming over,” he whispers in the sexiest way those words can be said. “This might be my goodbye,” I joke - slightly. I remain actually very worried about this meeting. “A goodbye?” Another whisper. This boy doesn’t understand what his voice does to my body. To my emotions. I turn to face him fully, opening my eyes and pulling his lips onto mine. A simple kiss becomes very heated quite fast. His father big hands pull me on top of him, one leg either side of his body. I hover over his boxers. It’s so close to touching, but not close enough... yet. His hands begin massaging my ass, pushing me down onto him. I open my mouth to mouth, letting him stick his tongue into my mouth. We’re just starting to... and then, beep. He reaches over to his phone. He pulls away. “It’s Monty.”

I’m genuinely shaking. Everyone knows Monty’s unpredictable, that his anger is unpredictable. “Just let me-“ “No Y/N,” he yells as I try and convince him to let me go with him. “I’ll stay low, he won’t even know I’m there,” I mumble, which makes a smile grow on his face. “Nothing’s gonna happen to me. He’s one of my best mates,” I sigh at his words. As if him being one of his best mates does much. Bryce is one of his ‘best mates’ too. I follow him all the way to his car. “Scotty,” my voice breaks. “Don’t do that,” his hands go either side of my face, his right thumb stroking my cheek intently. “Do you want me to come over after?” I nod and accidentally blink. This lets a tear out. So pathetic Y/N, stop. His thumb wipes it, and his forehead leans on mine for a few seconds before removing his to kiss mine. Watching him get into his car, when I know Monty’s gonna get angry at Scott, is just odd. It feels like Scott’s almost fully mine. “Y/N...” the engine starts. “I love you.”

Hours go by spent pacing the floor of my bedroom floor. What is taking them so long? Words I’ve been waiting to hear for months flew out of his mouth as if it was easy. Or as if he wanted to say it before getting himself in a bit of trouble. I get it. But he didn’t even let me say it back. He just drove off. Fuck. I can imagine the worst, which I guess is a good thing. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best? Right? “Jesus Christ Y/N,” I get startled by Jess. “You need to calm down,” She adds, being followed by Alex and Clay. “Monty wouldn’t do anything too bad, not to Scott,” Clay tries to convince me. “That’s not really comforting Clay.” As I finish my sentence, my phone dings. Here it is. “I need your help.”

My heart sinks at the sight. I walk into his house - through the front door this time - to see Scott with a purple eye dripping with blood say at the dining table. “No No!” He panics. “It’s fine, I’m fine. I just need some help cleaning it up.” The first thing I do is lightly lift his head to check his face out properly. “Fuck Scott,” I let out in a whisper. “There should be some cleaning alcohol shit in there with some cloths,” he points at a cupboard. “This is gonna sting,” I want him as I pour the liquid onto a white cloth. “I can take it,” I smile massively at his words. The confidence behind those words was too much. “Yeah okay,” I laugh. “Ready?” I ask, which leads him to nod rather hesitantly. His eyes squint as he hisses slightly. I step forward to clean it properly, twisting his head as I do so. His eyes look softly into mine. “Don’t look at me like that,” I whisper, trying not to look back into his. Hands go gently on my hips, smoothly rubbing up to my waist and back down again, then rubbing circles with his thumb on a a bare bit of skin. “Stop,” I laugh. And he doesn’t. “Scott,” I laugh again. “Alright I’m done,” I say, being pulled onto his lap in seconds. I scan his face, which doesn’t look too bad after cleaning up the blood, and tug his bottom lip down with my right thumb. Forcing my lips on his, it feels like he’s been gone for ages. His touch has been gone for too long. Hands that sit nicely on my waist pull my body closer to his. The sensations spirally through my body are powerful. This boy could take me right now, anywhere and everywhere, if he wanted. To gain control I slide my tongue into his mouth, tangling our tongues together for a second before pulling away. “What was that for?” He asks, pulling his bottom lip in slightly. “I love you too.”

[bettsfic]

We spend a lot of time appreciating you as an amazing writer, but even just from online interactions, it's obvious that you're also a great teacher. If you feel like sharing: any good teaching stories that made you feel great about undergraduate teaching / reminded you of why your work is important?

at the end of my first semester, a student, i’ll call her jessica, sent me an email saying how much she enjoyed the class and how she was planning to be a teacher some day, and she wanted to be a teacher like me. i printed the email out and put it in my journal. it was the first kind email a student had sent me, and i read it over and over.

a couple months later, at the beginning of the next semester, just an hour before i met my new students, i found out that jessica had died over break. it was alcohol and drugs, a party where she left and no one followed her back to her dorm to make sure she was okay. she was nineteen. i looked at her instagram, where her final post was a selfie with two friends, and the caption read, “i love college!” 

it’s hard to say exactly how her death affected me, but i think about her all the time. i think about how fragile life is, and about the toxicity of college culture, and all the pressures and expectations put on students, and how they’ll graduate with mounds of debt that will take decades to pay off. i think about how hard and hopeless it is to be a young person today. i think about the surprised, grateful faces i get when i show students the smallest shred of kindness or empathy.

this is my fourth year teaching and i’ve now had around 300 students. i have yet to meet a bad one. i’ve met students who have been pushed to their limits, who are exhausted, who are in the wrong place and have no idea, who have unchecked trauma, who are utterly terrified, who are lonely, sad, overworked, or just plain overwhelmed. 

once, i did a Q&A for a practicum of new creative writing teachers. i’d given them my syllabus prior to the class. they were surprised to read my lax policies, and one of them asked what i do when a student does the bare minimum, or maybe even less. creative writing is an “easy” class. inevitably you get the “lazy” students who sit in the back and work on homework for other classes, and hand in five dr. seuss sounding poems at the end of the semester.

to that i said, any student who doesn’t want to write is either overworked, afraid, or both. being overworked can’t be helped. college students are working to master their time management skills in an environment that doesn’t allow them to fail. but fear can be faced and conquered. i base my entire class around fear. they have one major assignment: write your biggest risk. i firmly believe your biggest creative risk ends up being your greatest reward. sometimes students aren’t up to the task, but if you build an environment in which they’re eager to show you the dark, ugly parts of themselves because they know you will receive them eagerly and openly, they tend to make amazing things.

i start each semester with probably over half my students utterly apathetic or even flat-out disgusted by the idea of creative writing, and i end the semester with a stack of self-assessments and evaluations talking about how much the class helped them not only see their own creative potential, but also to be less afraid to take creative risks in other environments. 

i had a student, we’ll call him alex, in my composition course last year. admittedly i put less effort into comp than creative writing, mostly because it’s not my curriculum or my primary field of study. alex sat at the back of class the entire semester, asleep, on his laptop, or talking to the people nearest him. he did not participate. he did not do the reading. he did not turn in his homework. he didn’t even know my name. on the second to last day of the semester, he turned in several assignments at once, and came to me before class started saying he’d done most the work, and could he come to office hours so i could get him caught up on the rest?

no, i said. i was too busy working with students who had been seeking my help throughout the semester. he took it well, and said thanks anyway, and in the end scraped by with a B-, mostly due to my lack of a late policy. if i’d had one, he would have failed.

i was surprised the next semester to see him on my roster for creative writing. it was clear he didn’t like or appreciate my comp class. on the first day of spring semester, he came to class high. at the end of class, i have all of my students fill out a notecard with their name and other pertinent information, and on the back i have them draw a picture. when alex turned in his card, he had only scrawled his name across the front, and on the back he drew a bird smoking a giant blunt.

the next class, i announced that anyone who came to class drunk or high would be asked to leave and they would lose their attendance for the day. i didn’t want to call him out directly. honestly, i didn’t know how to handle the situation. my mentor told me to deal with it head-on, but i didn’t heed her advice, and i wish i had. 

alex kept coming to class high. he didn’t do the reading. he didn’t participate in small or large group discussion. he didn’t do the prompt-fills or turn in any assignments. when he’d behaved this way in comp, i wasn’t bothered by it. nobody really likes comp. but this was creative writing, a class i put 200% of myself into and which i expected students to appreciate in kind (and for the most part they really do). 

midway through the semester, i ask students to schedule a one-on-one conference with me. it’s required. they get a grade for showing up, and another for doing a write-up of what we talked about. alex, like the prior semester, did not show up for his conference, or even write a risk draft for me to comment on. he sent me an email an hour later apologizing and asking if we could reschedule. the kicker: he began the email “liz.” i ask my students to call me by first name. i tell them at the beginning of the semester and again in week 5 when they inevitably forget. so alex had now been through 4 of my “the name you need to call me” lectures. and he still called me liz. and he had the audacity not to show up for his conference with no notice, wasting a half hour of my time, and then ask to reschedule.

my mentor was right. i should have dealt with it sooner. i shouldn’t have let myself get as angry as i did. but i replied to his email with a laundry list of things he’d done wrong, and i told him he was out of chances. i wasn’t rude, but i was very firm, and expected him to forward the email to his parents and the department and try to get me fired.

instead, a couple hours later when i arrived in class, he was sitting in the back of the room with his hood over his head. i was surprised to see him. it was the last day to drop classes and i expected him to be gone. he approached me as i was getting set up, and he was weeping. like blubbery, snot-nosed weeping. my first thought was that he was manipulating me somehow. boys who don’t get their way do desperate things sometimes. he told me he turned in all the assignments, and did the reading, and he’d do better from them on, he promised, and could he come to office hours? would i give him one more chance, please?

i told him to see me after class. during discussion, to my surprise, he raised his hand for every question. he was extremely off-base on most of his comments but i appreciated the courage it took not only to show up to class a weepy, tear-filled wreck, but to actually participate through it. after class, he apologized for having lost his shit earlier. he asked how he could make everything up. i told him i’d give partial credit for what he’d turned in, but he needed to come to a conference.

a couple days later he showed up at my office. i asked if he had a rough draft for me to look at and he said he didn’t, not because he didn’t try but because he didn’t know what his biggest risk was. i asked him to write an essay about how he’s struggling in college, and to use it as an opportunity for self-reflection.

up to this point, alex had been a bad bullshitter. before, when i’d confronted him about not doing the reading, he said he couldn’t because he hurt his knee. i asked what a knee injury had to do with reading, and he blubbered through an answer. he even feigned a limp, but later that day i saw him walking normally to another class. he had ridiculous excuses for everything. so when he sent me his essay, i was expecting more of the same.

what he wrote was not bullshit, but a blunt and honest account of all the problems he was having, sans whining or pity-seeking. the boldest statement he made was that he was extremely lonely. i searched between the lines for ways he was trying to manipulate my sympathy but found none. he was flat-out admitting the truth: he felt like college wasn’t right for him, he was far away from home, he thought he would make friends but he hadn’t made any, and his girlfriend was still a senior in high school and he missed her a lot. 

“it feels weird not having a happy ending,” he told me. “i kept wanting to find a positive note to end on.”

“sometimes things just suck. an essay doesn’t have to answer the questions it poses,” i said.

suddenly i got a different picture of alex’s life: he was depressed and alone, self-medicating with weed and who knew what else, and slipping through the cracks of all his other classes, where he had professors who, like me the prior semester, paid no attention to him. 

he told me he really liked the class, and liked me as a teacher, and he would spend the rest of the semester trying to be better. i’d had students say similar things just to placate me and then didn’t follow through, but alex did for the most part. he still struggled with due dates, but he kept an open line of communication with me, and owned up to his failures. he did all the reading and participated in every class. by the end of the semester, he was a different person. he told me his girlfriend had gotten into our school and that she was coming to visit him soon. he revised his essay several times, got an A in the class, and gave me a hug at the end of the semester and thanked me for my patience and understanding.

i think this story stuck with me so much because it’s about my own failure. i do my best to reach out to struggling students, but most of the time if you lend a hand, they don’t take it, and there’s not much you can do. i should have tried to help alex sooner, or be more firm with him earlier on like he apparently needed. i need to learn to be more comfortable with confrontation and own my authority in the classroom. but mostly it reaffirmed my belief that everyone is hurting, and “bad behavior” is nearly always the result of a bigger picture that sometimes we can’t see. 

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[nellie-elizabeth]

Suits: One Last Con (9x10)

Okay, so then what happens next is that Harvey and Donna move to Seattle, and they become closer than ever to Rachel and Mike. At least once a week, Harvey and Mike have a "guy's night" while Donna and Rachel have a "girl's night." And then, gradually, they realize they've ended up with the wrong people. So they all get divorced and then Donna and Rachel become a couple, and Mike and Harvey become a couple. Someone please tell me they're writing that fic.

Oh, sorry. Was I supposed to talk about the episode? Let's get to it.

Cons:

I predicted last week that this episode would be overcrowded, and I wasn't wrong, exactly. I'm grateful that the conflict with Faye was over before the midpoint, so we could have a nice long goodbye with all of the characters. But while I do enjoy that, I also must admit it doesn't make a lot of sense. Faye was a season-long threat, and she's dispatched a third of the way through the finale. It just goes to show that as interesting of a villain as she might have been in the beginning, she didn't really matter. She was a figurehead. She didn't really change anything about these people and their perspectives on their lives. It all felt pretty pointless in the end.

No matter how much fan service a finale has, there are always going to be things that get missed. For example, it seems strange to me that Jessica couldn't have made a cameo at Louis' wedding. She's working on another show for the same creators; how hard would it have been to get her in for a few minutes? And I hate that Alex was the one to go to Katrina. On the one hand, I get it. They needed to find something for Alex to do in this episode, because he's been a pointless character for several weeks. But Harvey and Katrina never get a moment of apology, and that really sucks.

I've talked a lot in these reviews about my issues with Donna and Harvey. It's not that they're painful to watch, or actively unpleasant. The actors do a good job. It's perfectly serviceable. But I think I've finally figured out one of the reasons why they never quite clicked for me as a couple. Harvey is always talking about how Donna knows him better than anyone. But this is what editors mean when they say "show, don't tell." Donna knows Harvey. We've seen it throughout the years. But how does she show that she knows him? Well, she has the supernatural ability to read his mind and predict his requirements whenever the plot requires it. And she acts like is mommy just as often as she acts like his girlfriend, guiding him through his emotions like an enabler.

But Harvey can say again and again that Donna is the one for him, and how well she gets him... and then we can see Mike in the same episode, showing that same thing, instead of telling it. I'm not even pushing for a romantic interpretation, necessarily. It's just that Mike comes in, and they have their quippy banter. They work together to take down Faye. They re-enact Mike's interview with Harvey but in reverse. They find excuses to touch each other. And in an episode that involved two weddings and a health scare, the single most emotional moment in the episode is when Harvey tries to leave Mike's apartment dramatically after telling Mike he's never stopped trusting him, and Mike says "no," like the very idea of Harvey losing his license is torture to him. They have the chemistry. They have the beating heart of this show, and that's been true from day one. It makes the romance between Harvey and Donna pale in comparison.

Also, in an episode that had to accomplish so many things, so quickly, it was odd to add in that little health scare for Sheila. Why did her pregnancy have to have complications? It felt like something to add just to make for some more drama, but we really didn't need that. I'm glad that mother and daughter were both okay.

Pros:

I was always going to rant and ramble a lot in this review, since it's the last one for the show. But just because I had a lot to say in the "cons" section doesn't mean there was nothing to enjoy here. Let's start with my girl Katrina.

As I said, I was irritated that she and Harvey didn't have an on-screen reconciliation. But I am so, so happy for her that she gets to be name partner! It's so refreshing to have a character arc on this show be about a woman choosing her career over her love life, and having that be an empowering and rewarding choice to make. I'm all about it. She gets to come back to the firm, newly powerful, and stand with Alex, Samantha, and Louis.

Samantha and Alex were both underutilized in this finale, but I get it. I'd rather focus on the longer-standing characters, too. And the show did a good job of making this episode the end of an era for Harvey and Donna, and yet also a new beginning for the others. The image of the new firm name on the wall was really lovely. I especially liked that Samantha acknowledged how crazy it was that they'd kept changing the name, and decided that they can't change it anymore for at least five years. But Litt Wheeler Williams Bennett will be stronger for Katrina's presence among them.

Louis has one of the best glow-ups in TV history. There were times over the years where I didn't think I'd be able to forgive him. I still selfishly hold a grudge for that time when he physically attacked Mike. But at the end of the day, he has actually grown as a person. This is a great example of show vs. tell, actually. We've seen it all season - Louis has been calmer. He gets angry or worked up about something, but he doesn't fly off the handle. When he tells his therapist that he's ready to have him as a friend and have him officiate the wedding, it doesn't feel like empty words. Louis might still need therapy in his life, but he has the tools now to know how to get himself the help he needs. It was so fun to see his "final form" as it were. And then we see it put to the test, as Sheila goes into labor during their wedding ceremony. You might expect him to freak out, but he's calm. He's planned for this, and he's there to be supportive for Sheila during this difficult time. Even while he's frantic for her and the baby in the hospital, he keeps a cool head and doesn't do anything he would later regret. Yay Louis! (ps - Louis learning that Donna and Harvey were leaving was more emotional for me than Harvey and Donna's wedding). (pps - that scene of Donna and Louis holding hands in the elevator gave me LIFE).

It was predictable that Harvey and Donna would step up and take advantage of the pre-arranged wedding - a lot of fans predicted this exact outcome. And while I've spoken extensively on my mixed feelings about their relationship, I can't deny the cuteness of the scene. We get that lovely proposal, with Harvey's mother's ring. We get Mike putting his arms around both of them, with his little quip about being unlicensed to officiate. We get Harvey and Mike gripping hands as Harvey leads Donna out for their first dance. It's all very cute, and I feel happy for the big Darvey fans out there. They totally deserve to see all of that happiness, even if I don't agree with the couple at its core. This is the inevitable conclusion, and it was done quite beautifully.

Will I ever be over how much Harvey and Mike love each other? I really don't think so. Let's talk about the best parts of the episode.

First of all, I already mentioned it above, but that scene at Mike's place was just golden. Mike walking in to find Harvey already there was great - they have always just barged in to each other's personal spaces and that's such a testament to the trust between them. And then you have Harvey telling Mike the truth, and telling him that he's going to have to go on the stand and risk getting disbarred. Mike's reaction is genuine panic, and then the two of them concoct a plan that will save the day. I just love the idea of Harvey going over there not to ask for Mike's help, but because he couldn't stand the thought of Mike thinking he didn't trust him. That's love, baby.

Then you've got the interview-in-reverse thing at the end. I could spend hours just squealing about the fact that Donna and Harvey are leaving the firm and moving to Seattle (my home town! woo!) to be with Mike and Rachel. Hey, maybe the four of them could all be in a poly relationship... but that's for fanfic to decide, I guess. Good finales need to come full circle, and also need to set the characters up for changing futures. This idea of Harvey moving to Seattle, of Mike being Harvey's boss, manages to do both. They are quippy and cute with each other, but also genuine. Harvey decides to leave the firm in order to take out Faye, but he also genuinely wants a fresh start. His life changed forever when Mike walked into his life, and I really do feel like that was the final message the show left me with, when the dust had settled.

So... yeah. I can't find it in myself to be a hardcore Darvey shipper. This finale was never going to cater to all of my needs. But at the end of the day, I was mighty pleased with several of the scenes, and I love where it left all of the characters, in terms of their careers and happiness. For this finale, I'll give a rating of...

7.5/10

For the show as a whole? Well, I hate to break it to anyone who's unaware of this, but Suits isn't that great of a show. It has a couple of really strong elements, but over the years its stories became repetitive, and there's quite a lot that doesn't actually make sense about these characters and their motivations. But I don't grade these shows based on objective quality. I grade them based on the elements that I enjoy most in a show. For years, whenever Suits came back on the air, it was one of the things I looked forward to most each week. I longed for every scrap of content between Harvey and Mike that I could possibly get. There are moments over the years that I have gone back and watched in a loop because of those two. I also liked the way the show deconstructed toxic masculinity, and had a feminist message that didn't feel like something out of an after school special. I had fun watching this show, and I will think of it fondly for years to come. The show over-all gets:

8/10

[maqichour]

*inhales* hi ! i’m roni ( she/her ) , i’m nineteen , i’m from california and i must confess : i’m a fake very very clueless as i’ve never been in any sort of hp rp before . . . but i’m also rly Determined so i’m gonna fake it ‘til i make it ! but anyways , this is marc and he’s a loser ?? i’m rly bad at writing bios but . . . i tried ?? but yeah , pls read about him below ! also give this a like if you’d like to plot && i’ll message you asap , though i’m probably gonna message everyone anyways omg

   dusty stacks of old, worn out books you’ve collected but haven’t yet found the time to read . . . forgiving someone no matter how hard it may be . . . the hand that pulls you back up when you fall . . . fields of sunflowers at sunset . . . doing what you think is right even if others are against it . . . the warm and calming sounds of a piano filling the room . . . lying in the grass for hours, soaking up the warm sun .

 if you’re looking for MARC MCKINNON, you’ll probably find HIM in the HUFFLEPUFF dorm with the rest of the SEVENTH years. they’re the TWENTY-ONE year old PUREBLOOD who looks kind of like ALEX FITZALAN. they seem AFFABLE, COURTEOUS & FRANK to me, but apparently they’re also STUBBORN, OPINIONATED & FICKLE. maybe that’s why their patronus is A BASSET HOUND. ( cis male / he/him )

。・ * ✧ about !

marc was never as bright or quick as his sister, often finding himself among the average ( and even sometimes below ) , though he never really minded, finding comfort in knowing he’d at least tried his very best. 

even as a child, marc was kind and gentle ( much like his parents ) as well as curious and full of his own thoughts and opinions. as he got older, the more he believed his opinions were always right and was more adamant towards them. one of his earliest thoughts was regarding the attitude and morals held by most purebloods-- he simply didn’t understand them, and almost hated being stuck with the label, as well. he kept it to himself for a while, but soon learned his parents felt the same way, and everything made sense to him. he knew he was right and it was then he vowed to speak his mind more frequently rather than hide his opinions.

marc always felt deep down that he was a hufflepuff and hoped for nothing more when first attending hogwarts. any fear he might’ve felt about getting sorted into any other house was quickly buried-- he knew in his heart he wouldn’t get them, and his heart was rarely wrong. he only hoped his sister would be there with him, but he knew she’d be fine on her own in slytherin, and she was, mostly. marc, on the other hand, struggled his first year trying to find his own place within the school and within his house. it didn’t take long, though, and people were sort of drawn to him -- his friendly and polite disposition almost like a beacon -- and he soon found himself climbing the social ladder, not entirely realizing how or when it happened. 

he still wasn’t the brightest student, but he had found certain things he did excel at, such as herbology, astronomy, potions, care of magical creatures, and charms ( though he also thoroughly enjoyed muggle studies ) as well as  quidditch ( as a chaser ! )  and even becoming a prefect for his house.

marc is most often spotted chatting with friends in the hall ( and constantly making new ones ) , helping anyone and everyone in need of it, or just . . . arguing. though in his free time, he loves to read, play music, and just like ... walk around exploring ??

。・ * ✧ etc !

house : hufflepuff

patronus : a basset hound

clubs / etc : quidditch ( chaser ! ) , prefect , potions club , astronomy club, charms club 

pets : a toad . . . name tbd

zodiac sign : scorpio ( 6 november ! )

positive traits : affable / courteous / frank / open-minded / determined / loyal / patient / optimistic / confident yet humble / etc

negative traits : stubborn / opinionated / fickle / adamant / disorganized / etc

inspo : amy santiago , michael scott , winston bishop , jessica day , etc

im rly bad at writing bios so i don’t think i got to properly convey everything i wanted to so !! time to blab ?? slash ( / ) a tldr ?? okay so !! 

marc spends a lot of his free time reading but he’s kinda a slow reader bc he gets distracted easily or can’t find the free time but he rly does love to read ??

loves loves loves plants n herbology ??

is rly rly friendly n loves company n loves people he’s just a people person i guess??

isn’t the most talented ever but he’s okay with that because he knows his strengths lie more in other things !! 

he doesn’t know what he wants to do in the future and if u ask him , he’ll give u a different answer each time ( though his go-to’s are usually something about wanting to work in hogsmead or as a herbology professor even though he knows either might not be the best fit , like , socially??  )

follows the rules but sometimes wishes he was a bit more rebellious ??

but he likes to wander around a lot and if people question him he’ll pull the prefect card 

basically he’s ..all the stuff in his musings tag n aesthetics and that scene from spider-man homecoming where peter’s like “i can be intimidating” ( this one ) except ..he can sometimes but that’s usually just bc he’s rly loud n passionate about his opinions omg he’s rly just a softie i wish i was better at elaborating but i’m not but trust me you’ll see dhfjd

。・ * ✧ connection ideas !

i’m so ! bad @ this but uh

best friends / ( fr )enemies / unlikely friends / bad influence / any friends ???

exes / flirtationship / unrequited crush ( can go either way ) ?? 

forgot to mention . . . but marc is bi so !! these are open to anyone n everyone !!

idk let’s wing it !