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#and i mean. idk if this is a common/universal experience but ive had many a late night where ive done exactly the same thing
memorys-skyscraper · 17 days
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the scene in yakuza 5 where shinada and milky dance on the roof talking about how they should run away and start over in a new town with new jobs and new lives, only for milky to abruptly stop and let shinada go when she gets called back downstairs to work, while shinada is sent stumbling by suddenly being let go until he too comes to a stop, burns a hole in my brain
#rambles#yakuza#yakuza liveblogging#like man. MAN. that shit hits home#milky saying 'i wanna be a teacher this time- that was my dream as a kid!'#and shinada replying 'you can! nothings stopping you! you can start over!' with a tone that borders on hysterical#he's so desperate to believe it's possible because in that moment he can see it- he sees his way out#for a moment he's blind to all the things that have kept him from doing exactly what he's proposing every other time he's considered it#hes trapped in a glass house- he can see freedom but knows he cant reach it. but for a moment he lets himself forget the glass is there#but milky doesnt. she thinks hes being cute and plays along but as soon as she lets him go the music cuts and the moment is gone.#reality comes crashing back down- they're not going anywhere.#and i mean. idk if this is a common/universal experience but ive had many a late night where ive done exactly the same thing#fantasized about quitting my job/going back to school/finding some means of self employment/moving somewhere totally new#and ive had those fleeting moments where i could see it- i could see how i could make it work#or i could see that there's nothing *physically* stopping me from doing any of those things#and if i could just sum up enough courage i could do anything i wanted with my life#but then i wake up the next day and that vision is gone.#i cant see outside the glass house anymore- i can only see the reflection of the inside.#tl;dr i should revisit y5- the writers were cooking and i didnt take enough time to savor it#(esp not the shinada section bc i hated his combat style lol)
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mogai-sunflowers · 1 year
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I always get really nervous abt my id as a lesbian because like, irl im not like attracted to men, I’d never date a man, but fictional men?? Yeah that’s attractive yk???? But I see so many people saying that if that’s the case youre actually bi or something and im like well that doesn’t seem accurate to me, but maybe they’re right maybe im not a lesbian but I really like the lesbian label and ive always used it so im just really hshshshshhshs????? Idk if that makes sense
this is so so so so common anon. most lesbians I’ve ever talked with, both irl and online, have experienced attraction to fictional men. I’d argue that it’s a pretty “universal” (as in common enough that a majority of lesbians have had this question) experience. Fictional men may be “men” but at the end of the day, the characters themselves aren’t real (not talking about fictives, just the actual characters themselves). I’m a mod on a very popular sapphic blog and we get asks like this all of the time- I have seen this question everywhere. Attraction is kinda different when it comes to fiction. Not that it’s not real, but it doesn’t always “fit” our attraction to real people. I mean, I’m an aroace lesbian and I feel attraction to fictional men all the time because it’s a realm of fantasy- it’s not real so I can leave it to be picture perfect in my imagination, but if it were irl that would be different. I guess what I’m saying is that you are by far not the first lesbian to have this question, and being attracted to fictional men doesn’t mean in any way that you aren’t a “real lesbian”. Additionally, there are mspec lesbians, some who are attracted to men irl and some who aren’t, but both of whom would tell you that “lesbian” isn’t just one thing. attraction to men doesn’t always mutually exclude lesbianism, it does for most people by nature of how they personally feel comfortable identifying, but it doesn’t have to for you if lesbian is the word that feels right. You’re a real lesbian, through and through.
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Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?
ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH
uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)
so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too
another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)
as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.
then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD
i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)
in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.
i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)
anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)
uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha
ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow
BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks
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hongjoongpresent · 3 years
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Hi, Dani. I would like to know how to properly write psychotics since the way the media portrays them is very ableist and I think psychotics deserve good representation.
Oh. Uhhhhhhhh ive never been asked for help or anything like this before?? Uhhhh man idk. Disclaimer: im stupid and dont know anything about writing. Also: i only have my own experiences with being psychotic and i obviously cant speak for every single psychotic person lol.
Ok uh. I would say try to avoid a split personality serial killer trope. Please PLEASE dont do what danganronpa did to toko thats all hah. Also try to avoid pulling a korekiyo? So basically. Try not to literally tell your viewer/reader that "this person is strange and different meaning this person is creepy and i dont wanna be around them" which i felt was sorta the goal with korekiyo (SORRY FOR USING DANGANRONPA EXAMPLES BUT ITS THE BEST I GOT OK)
Ummm ok *thinks* fun psychotic things TM definitely include (at least for me! Ntot everyone obvs):
Spiders or bugs under your skin. Im pretty sure this is basically universal for psychotics since ive seen MANY PEOPLE talk about this. But its a very common delusion where it feels or even sounds like there are bugs or spiders under your skin (yuh its terrifying XD)
That one hallucination dude that just kinda stands in the corner?? Idk he whispers a lot (like. Speak the fuck up or SHUT the fuck up real.) And he doesnt really have a face or anything he just kinda stands there and either comforts you or insults you (its like being in a toxic relationship but its literally in your head so you cant leave <3)
Hyperfixations on people. Of course many many MANY neurodivergent disorders include hyperfixations, but im talking PEOPLE. I have trust issues. But when i do truly trust someone OH BOY i be thinking about them CONSTANTLY
Intrusive thoughts. Many people can have them sure but ive never met a psychotic person who didnt have intrusive thoughts. Think of things like. Stabbing someone. Randomly pushing or punching someone. Hitting someone with a chair. Kissing or even having sex with someone. (Literally anyone. Ive. Literally had intrusive thoughts about having sex with teachers. Not even attractive teachers or anything just. Normal people.) HOWEVER keep in mind... we dont usually ACT on these. Its not like "o i had a thought about stabbing my brother im gonna dtab my brother now".
PROBLEMS SLEEPING!!!! Because of reasons like. Thinking about the future or an idealized version of the future, thinking about what the Real World would be like once i leave this fake world. Or because the walls are breathing (why do they do that lmao?) Or some random hallucination decides to talk to you out of nowhere. Stuff like that.
Nothing feeling real. Life is a simulation and nothing matters anyway. Everyone in this world is not even really a person. Theyre just computer generated to make me believe its the real world but i know its not. Everything revolves around me this world is built around me. Everything that happened before i was here is just made up and never actually happened. Or at least it didnt matter. Im the main character in this video game.
Auditory hallucinations!! Theyre the worst tbh. Screaming, random crying, mean laughter (why is it never anything fun ughhhh). Usually, i try to ignore auditory hallucinations by listening to music with my earplugs in.
Man sorry for making this post really long but. Im not good with advice?? These are purely my own experiences!! Just. Try to avoid making them the butt of the joke or the Weird Unlikable Character TM.
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bahebak · 6 years
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30 questions tag
I was tagged by @symphoniecraptastique , hey hey thanks bb you know I love you!!! <3 <3 <3
Rules: Answer 30 questions. Tag 10 blogs you want to get to know better.
Nickname(s):Taytay, Tater Tot, Frankie, and people at work started calling me Red becaUSE THERE ARE THREE TAYLORS ON MY UNIT AHHGGGGHH it’s such a common name oh also I have red hair that’s why
Gender:
Female
Sign:
Virgo
Height:
5′1...and a half!
Current time:
 2 AM
Favorite bands:
aHHHH???? way too hard of a question so I’ll just list some great bands I’ve been listening to lately: Animal Collective, Death Grips, Sparks, Talking Heads, Siouxsie Sioux and the Banshees, Cocteau Twins, The Cure, System of a Down....
Favorite solo artists:
Also a really difficult question to answer!!!! Probably Kate Bush, Selena, Prince, Bowie, Sade, Faye Wong, Akiko Yano, Nancy Ajram, & Myriam Fares 
Song stuck in my head:
One of my favs by Faye Wong it’s called Decadence please please put this on spotify omg ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee8xD0c1qzU )
Last movie I saw:
The Matrix lmaoooo
Last show I watched:
Either Gintama or Nathan For You
When did I create my blog:
uhhh around 2011 woah
What do I post:
nothing good!
Last thing I googled:
“smoking cigarettes health benefits conspiracy“ because I heard there was a conspiracy theory about it but turns out it was just a meme hahaha
Do I have other blogs:
no bahebak is my baby but I should def be on here less so I can at least try to be productive
Do I get asks:
not often but I loooove answering them
Why did I choose my URL:
it just means love in arabic I know it’s uncreative I’ve wanted to change it for a while but when I searched my own blog name in the search bar (lmao) there were so many other bahebak’s with numbers after them so I was strangely happy to be the original
Following:
1,539 >:O
Followed by:
489 and a lot of them are bots but I hugely appreciate all of my followers and mutuals for sticking thru the horrible content I reblog and my occasional rants <3 <3 <3 <3 
Average hours of sleep:
it’s either like 4 or around 10 there’s no inbetween
Lucky number:
42069 hahaha humor uh actually I don’t have one!
Instruments:
Former flute (and recorder!!!) player, I’d love to get back into it when I have some free time, currently teaching myself piano
What I’m wearing:
many  c o m f y  layers
Dream Job:
hmmm something involving traveling, eating, studying and teaching different religions, cultures, and languages....
oh or an esthetician (but wish they were payed much higher :\) or a more realistic dream job would be what I’m actually planning in the future which is to be an Aesthetic/Dermatology Nurse Practitioner or Medical Spa Nurse (:
Favorite food:
ok so I’m a big slut for Palestinian/Lebanese, Mexican, Italian, Japanese, Thai, & Korean food but more specifically uhhh Pineapple fried rice (hoooooooo boi if you haven’t had this go out and get some right now... all the flavors and textures... wow I’m craving this so bad now) Sushi, pizza, chicken wings, molokhia over rice!!!!!!!, and of course... the god of all dishes... stuffed grapes leaves (warak diwali? idk how to type it just how to say it go get some Palestinian ones not the Greek dolma blehhh those don’t compare at all
Nationality:
*born in the usa by bruce springsteen plays muffled in the background*
My Favorite song:
This question is almost impossible so right now I really love the songs Night of the Swallow & Experiment IV by Kate Bush, Orange Appled by Cocteau Twins, and Born Under Punches by Talking Heads (more like Tina Weymouth and the boys amiright @symphoniecraptastique )
Last book I read:
oh man it’s been a while I’ve been meaning to read The Handmaid’s Tale and Leah Remini’s Troublemaker but probably Shane Dawson’s It gets Worse :P
Top three fictional universes I want to join:
(1) A mix of two of my childhood favorites... Naruto and The Last Airbender!!! I loved them so much as a kid that my neighbors and I made up a game called “Ninjas” that we each possessed different elements and trained and fought each other and enemies oh and we were ninjas too
(2) I love and will always love Kingdom hearts and in the game you can go to so many disney universes so that’s a plus also destiny island is the starting universe I use to have dreams that I would hang out with Sora, Kairi, and Riku trying to catch starfruit .... big cringe but it was sweet as a kid ok roast me
(3) mmm maybe some sappy lovey dovey unrealistic Korean Drama like Reply 1988/1997 or Coffee Prince!!!
ok if you made it this far thanks for reading love ya xoxoxo
I’m tagging @sonic06apologist @languagecrazy @ribitchulous @gingerche @jalukaw @hojabby @izukusfreckles @jerkbend @heart @swagipino @dangerouspers0n @xxxthottacion @sweetestpiano @googooshftbollywoodandkpop @thetyrannosaur @renm @karinadotgov @sinopea @naseemaa and anyone else who wants to do this ;--}
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senfinity · 7 years
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hi! can i ask u some non exo advice? so i saw that u took a lot of different majors in uni. how were you able to switch between them so easily? also how did you find what you really wanted to do? Im indian (like you! the only other indian exo stan ive found
Hello! First of all, I find that incredibly amazing, since we’re both Indian and my dad was the one who wanted me to go into engineering and I remember not knowing wtf it even was (I literally thought it was a step to becoming a plumber or a car mechanic alkjsdf) but I had the grades to get into it, and literally no path set out for myself so I was like, “Sure, why not!” Little did I know that it would be the cause of crippling anxiety and depression and a complete waste of four years of my life lmao //laughs like it wasn’t a painful memory//
BUT to answer the first part of your question: in my university, when you get into engineering, the first year of engineering is common for all students, and you only choose a specific discipline of engineering in your second year. So the first one I chose was engineering chemistry, but after I failed a class in my second semester (aka the end of second year) I realized that I really hated it, and switched into computer engineering. Since the first year is common for all engineers and there are no actual pre-reqs to getting into a specific discipline other than having those first year courses (which is mandatory, like I said) it was really easy to switch my engineering discipline, and I went back to second year again… But after 1.5 more years of that I realized that at this rate I really was going to end my life soon, so after getting a nudge from my doctor I completely dropped out, which is surprisingly a pretty easy process alksjdf that is ofc if your university isn’t a complete ass… 
Now the reason I was able to easily get into a math major was because, well I took engineering and in the first year we have to do basic math courses plus there’s math courses scattered around in every discipline of engineering, so I had the math grades to get into a second year math major (math is literally the only science I am genuinely good at… I had all A’s in math so naturally my grades for that were an easy in for me ;;). But then I realized that this major made me feel like I was in engineering again which was a big no-no and after my friend roughly nudged me to go to an advisor, I just went and basically asked what courses I’d need to take to get into the linguistics major, and I took those! Sadly I got thrown back into first year but it’s a small price to pay considering what I went through ;; So technically I’m still a second year math major, but if I get good grades in my courses this year (which I am so far) I can finally apply to the linguistics department and that will be the end of that!
I would just like to add that this whole process was made an umpteen amount easier considering it was all within the same university, so credits can easily be transferred and such. But the process will be a bit, if not significantly, more complicated if it’s between different universities ;;
So long story short, in my experience at least, switching majors and all that isn’t too too hard (but like I said, mostly if it’s within the same school), but just make sure you talk to the right people on campus and they can help you out! Unlike in high school, advisers and counselors in university are exponentially more helpful, so don’t be afraid to ask them for help - it’ll lead to the best results~
As for telling your parents, I remember in second year (the first time I went through second year that is) I told my dad I didn’t wanna do engineering anymore and he gave me this look and that caused me to shut up, and just continue on the way I was. But after getting diagnosed by the doctor and having to talk seriously with my dad, I realized that he never actually meant to force me into engineering and he was really supportive of anything I wanted to do. He, just like most dads are to their daughters, are extremely protective and want their daughter to live the best possible, stable life, and was just worried that I didn’t know what I was doing (which to be fair I didn’t ;;) so he came off a bit strongly, but he really didn’t mean it that way. So I would say that, as hard as it is (and trust me I know it’s hard ;;) I would suggest seriously talking with your parents, and tell them the truth. I guarantee you the few hours of awkwardness will definitely be much better than years of self-hatred and the plethora of other negativity that engineering could cause you ;; 
You can even suggest taking a year off to explore more, or even going into a college program (idk if college and university are different where you’re from - in Canada universities give you degrees and are more theory based whereas colleges give you diplomas and are a lot more hands on and get you prepared for the workforce). Just remember that it’s okay to explore around a bit and there is no time constraint for you to figure out what you wanna do - some people take years and years, do multiple degrees, even start families before finally finding out what it is that they want to do so you have so much time, so don’t think you need to finish in four years or otherwise you’re a failure (I used to think that, and it was horrible). You don’t have to know what you wanna do at this very instant (it took me 4 years and 3 major changes before I really figured it out, and even now there’s still stuff up in the air), so just take some time to figure out what your interests are~!
Lastly, as cliche as this is, do something you love or at the very least are content with because being stuck doing something you have no care for is not only going to be miserable for you, but it’ll make you less motivated and that’ll affect your grades, general performance, and make what you’re doing even less desirable as a degree, let alone a future and possible career. As someone who did engineering because it was a good degree, it really didn’t turn out well, but now that I’m in something I enjoy, my grades have skyrocketed and my mood has gotten so much better and the fog finally cleared and I have some insight into where I want to be in life, which is a complete 180 from when I was in engineering, so 10/10 would recommend!
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otpofotps · 7 years
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did i grow up in 2016? have i made progress? is this what i came to japan for?
i honestly don’t know how to answer that and i don’t think im in the right place to answer that right now. but let me elaborate on the dinner with the kouhai, finally, because it led to….a lot. of internal ramblings…. some of which became external.
so this kouhai says lets get dinner and im like sure! but inside im like ummmmm but its not like we talk often or much at all and i only told one person about the upcoming event and he was like yeah idk maki sounds like a date and im like yeah ikr. but it was wishy washy like, it was also very plausibly not a date and just him wanting to get friendlier with a senpai. i have trouble understanding that maybe only because its never something i would do. this…is only the beginning of things that i do not see myself agreeing with the kouhai on.
so the dinner happens and it was like…. ooooookay. for me, it was just one of those things. if the cards were clearer i could’ve played it better. but i didn’t know the line and he didn’t make it clear and i fucked it up. because how presumptuous would it have been of me to treat it like a date and flirt? not that i know how. but i played it off super platonic because im incapable of putting myself out there like, hey maybe i have romantic intentions towards you. i just cannot do that mentally. its a hard knock life but its mostly just me making it hard. if he had made it clear it was non platonic i guess i could’ve done better. but…. then there was the other problem
we talked. obviously, duh, thats what dinner is, but because of the societal position we are in (as in our commonality is ipse) then like…yeah obv we are going to end up talking about ipse, and japan, and so many other things i’m uncomfortable talking openly about. guess what, i am not 100% satisfied. or even like 50%. but he was like its been a good year, hasn’t it? and im like, internally, dude, what in the fuck do you want me to say to that. you’re a kouhai and i’ve had a years longer worth of experience in japan and my answer is no, i’ve not had a great year. i didn’t want to say that. i didn’t want to say that to someone who still has a lot of potential to do whatever he wants in japan. it is entirely possible for him to achieve/maintain happiness in japan. but we are not the same people. and my experience of ipse is probably very different from what yours will be.
so talking to him brought out a lot about what i was thinking applying to japan and what i think now. this dinner happened like second to last week of december. fitting or just a downer for the end of the year, can someone else clarify for me because oh dear god it did get worse from there
it became incredibly, amazingly, horrifyingly clear how different we are. in almost everything we talked about that i had an opinion on, he had the opposite. and worse, he reminds me a lot of this particular person in my department that i have decided from here onwards i hate… i cannot remember what i call him here. maybe [y]. they have such…similarities.
it scares me because ive spent an entire year understanding why i don’t trust people like [y]. i hate being like oo emotions scary the world is bad and cynicism is the answer im not one of those people. but there is always a part of me that distrusts certain people. most people (all people?) maybe, until i feel some certain tick where i feel like suddenly i can show that i am emotionally invested in our friendship / whatever. it feels so dumb typing that out. but its something i need to confront. this text post isnt the time…. but [y] has been such a justification for why i do this. because people like [y] exist. people that i feel like i can be friends with and then go and humiliate you or make fun of you or imply your friendship means nothing to them. this sounds like [y] fucked me up or something and i promise he didn’t, i’ve always been like this, but it sucks that [y] is someone i still have to deal with, and i really don’t want to see the only kouhai i have a connection to become someone that i never can invest feeling into a relationship with.
so yes. i do not see myself being able to smoothly befriend the kouhai. or like…whatever, you know. but then the Key conversation happened which led to…some drunken ramblings that unfortunately i don’t recall very well but i’m sure my friends do.
so. god….. it was just such. i overreacted. but tbh its not a topic to have been talking about on a potential date not date. basically, it went like “well i came to university in japan because i want to marry a japanese person” (him)
and just like that i just. was like ….no. i cannot explain what took over me but i was just like. no. “you chose the country of your university based on who you want to marry? aren’t you like 18?”
“well…yeah.”
not that the conversation really exploded after that but for me at that point…it was not a good evening. the rest of that conversation was basically “so you wouldn’t base your career decisions depending on your spouse?” (him) “fuck no” “…thats…unusual…” “really? i feel like thats something you could expect from rikejos” (i am so dumb please don’t punch me) “not really?”
for him, he probably meant that not as a wife in japan obligatorily follows husbands career path trajectory and abandons her own career if necessary, but as in partners will consider their partner (non specific genders) in times of career choices. i took it as the first one because i am so dumb, and girls and feminism and japan and marriage is really, really, apparently /really/, touchy subject for me.
so i was touchy and a little miffed for really no real reason, and then a week later i drank too much vodka and went on a rant about this specific conversation and girls in japan, and how that’s not who i want to be, i want to have a career, blah blah blah i am really the worst. not because i have strong opinions about something that is certainly a valid topic to have strong opinions about but i put down other types of woman. i basically said something (on the vodka fueld rant) about how i don’t want to be a housewife, how im meant for more than that. and it breaks my heart that i said that (my friend told me later). because that’s not who i want to be. that’s not feminism. feminism shouldn’t be that being a housewife is a shameful thing or lesser thing. feminism is the right to CHOOSE. you want a career as a researcher? go ahead! you want to stay home and take care of the home? go ahead! its about not being reduced to stereotypes. its about that there shouldn’t be the assumption that the wife is the one who does the household chores. its that society assess the value of a job based on the money it brings to the house, but how can we ever assess the value of the housewife.
i am shamed and sad that i said things that i didn’t realise i believed. or maybe i knew, but i didn’t want to know, and hid my eyes from it.
and not that its entirely the dinner’s fault, but it certainly did bring it (my later drunken rant on [y], the kouhai, and girls in japan) out.
so yes. 2/10, the dinner was an interesting but not entirely positive (as of yet) experience.
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