#and i recall telling myself 'ok. we cant approach this the way we would other things'

[zsuuv139]

rare original content time! and its gonna be me venting

cw: weight "management", weight loss and gain, gynecological issues, doctors, the rona

so either this story starts in my childhood: i've always been a fat girl and have recently discovered that it was basically eating for attention, positive or negative, since i also was a glass child.

or this story starts 3 years ago, with the pandemic. where i gained even more weight. but i also met this guy and he and another friend somewhat motivated me to lose a lot of weight (that i was really happy with and i felt better in my body, happier overall due to exercise). and then last february (2022) not only did i hook up with a guy, i also got myself a nice little BV out of it. and ofc the rona. after the rona cleared up, i went to a gyno who also did an ultrasound and found a cyst. i felt my life implode - i had only heard bad stuff about ovarian cysts.

they told me to not do intense workouts and put me on hormonal birth control. i could barely stand on my 2 legs. and i was depressed as hell. gained a lot of it back. got off the birth control because suddenly the cyst was not on my ovary anymore but somehow adjacent to it and hormones dont help anymore. still couldn't work out.

am also supposed to get an mri that either has a 6 month waitlist or a 100+ usd cost - my monthly pay is about 1k usd so i kinda cant afford it.

i recently took steps toward getting the mri - another gyno visit. now i also have a polycystic ovary (just one of the 2. hormone levels still ok - not pcos).

im also currently getting fired/ laid off and at the time of that appointment, i had just found out and was already exhausted because of multiple failed applications. i was certain that the layoff would happen and was looking and interviewing but got no offers.

when i tried to explain my health situation to my doctor, i ended up crying. she was patient, gave me some paper towels to wipe my face and explained how the procedures were gonna go. i liked the experience overall.

i also gained all the weight i had lost back.

docs want to investigate possible insulin resistance - i got my blood drawn and since then i have a bruise where i was stuck. this has not happened ever before, and i did used to get blood tests for a thyroid issue. im now wondering if this is bc im fat.

went to an endocrinologist - thyroid levels not optimal, and potential insulin resistance that i was hoping they could advise me on.

she calls my name. "how's it going with the weight loss?" i remark that not well.

"do you have endometriosis?"

"im not sure. afaik it needs surgery to be diagnosed and i havent had any surgery in that area. but my periods do hurt like hell and get kinda plentiful, so it wouldnt be a shock."

first few questions go normal, i know my meds, doses, diagnoses. she starts talking about weight loss. i just take it in an "ok im not coming back to her" way. then she starts asking about the cyst. i tell her what i know. she asks "but what does the mri say?" "dunno, they have a 6 month waitlist" "and youre not willing to pay for an emergency?"

now, in her pov, this random fat woman starts crying.

in my pov, all my job hunt stress and worries bubble up - im crying as im typing this ffs, and i do have a job offer currently! i recall how, if i qwere to go on unemployment, i would be eligible for 120 usd a month - i couldn't even pay rent with that! i recall how our transfer within the company was treated - we were told there would be opportunities and we will have to apply, then we applied, got little feedback, and as the other project's start date approached, they started pressuring us (most specifically, me) to do our tests asap and i was literally given 20 minutes on the end of a workweek to decide if i wanted to start on the other project on monday. did not go well.

so i just ended up crying - and angry at myself, since earlier i would just be angry if anything happens, and i was used to working with anger, but i dont know how to deal with crying.

she may have acknowledged that i was crying, saying she knows this situation is not easy but i should do everything to get out of it (no shit).

then, sobbing, i explained that the gyno did not say the mri would be urgent, and she did acknowledge the long waitlist.

doctor goes back to weight loss / eating habits. do i eat dairy? dairy is like fertilizer for the cysts, she says. "i don't drink cows milk. i do like yogurts and cheeses tho." "no, you cannot eat cheese".

what the actual fuck is happening?

she asks me to lay down for an ultrasound of my thyroid (to make sure its all good). i explain that its left side was taken out and on the right, there seems to be just a tiny little lump, and im kinda curious if it grew. should i take off my shirt? nah, just pull the neckline apart.

i would have rather taken it off but k.

she acknowledges that the left lobe is indeed not there, and goes to town with the ultrasound ot see whats up on the remaining right half. kinda hurts but whatever. lets just get this over with.

"how much do ypu weigh?"

"honestly, too much rn"

"100 kg?"

"uhm... [i am above that so i say 5 kg less]"

...

"why did they leave the right lobe?"

fuck knows, lady, it was 10 years ago and im not a doctor. i was an entire child, do you think anyone cared to explain the medical decisions? do you think i understood?

"the theory was that they were hoping it would work at least on its own or that it would make up for the left part"

"well that isnt happening"

"i have noticed. but idk if taking it out now would do any good."

"nah"

tells me i can wipe off the gel and calls me back to her desk while she writes up her report.

tells me that i need a nutritionist for the insulin resistance and refers me to a colleague. then gets back on weight loss.

"the small blob on your thyroid would go away if you managed to lose the weight"

"also don't eat bread. don't have more than 2 slices a day" "i already don't eat bread" "then stop eating pasta."

gurl idk how to tell you but pasta and cheese are the only joy left in my life.

"but you have to go to a specialist. no one can do this alone"

idk how to tell you but im not _paying_ for someone to yell at me to lose weight... i know a lot about diets, nutrition, how a meal should look like, calories, intermittent fasting (btw, have you ever had an endocrinologist recommend intermittent fasting? i heard it was bad for your hormones lol), and i don't want to give like 70 usd for a "specialist" to potentially tell me nothing new. is this arrogant? yes. but again im not rich.

is it cheaper than whatever i would need to do if my body continues to deteriorate? idk. i would have to put it on my goddamn credit card tho.

and then i look on the paper she gave me.

she wrote "emotionally-pshychologically unstable" as a symptom. fuck off the entire way.

i left her office. i cried. i cried some more. i complained to my friends. almost lost it when i couldn't attach a lid on an iced coffee and it spilled on me. i didn't tell my parents because i do not trust them with questions regarding my mental health.

and i read her note about our meet again.

she wrote

"antecedent: right lobectomy.

currently right lobe micronodule"

so that's how doctors listen to fat people.

[one-boring-person]

You forced this upon yourself😂 you forced this rambo simp.(and i dont mind)

Okay this may not be as good! But! Im giving you the liberty to take it where you want!(because i love your little details and how you express the feeling in your writing i- AH! Its great. I cant say it enough, it’s great. I mean it.)

How about Rambo finally getting enough courage to show The rancher around the tunnels, in a date sort of way!(they don’t know thats actually where he lives. Aka that photo i showed you before.) i really saw how the rancher was so happy to have him at their house, I’d love to see rambos side of scheduling a house tour and date type deal!! Maybe him even sitting and showing the rancher through all his old photos, and them just in awe because wow. He’s so much cooler than they even thought! He just so nervous and surprised seeing them so interested in him after all this time alone, and them just- in awe of him.

( i also really think it would be funny seeing rambo go through his friends house and seeing-“why the hell you have so many plants???” And just. Adorable assassin living with a wholesome and loving hardworking s/o)

Ah! Im sorry if that’s not as good!! But hey, you feel free to describe their antics and relationship as you will!!

I think I may have run a bit with this, but I hope you like it regardless!😊💛

I've Got Your Back, You've Got Mine.

John Rambo (Rambo IV/V) x reader

Warnings: mention of death, mention of war, mention of injury, mention of PTSD, mention of violence, (possible flash warning for gif?)

Masterlist

The heavy knock on the door surprises me where I'm sitting, the sharp sound snapping me from my thoughts. Looking over at it from my position at the table, I frown and set down my spoon, standing to go answer, unsure of who it is: I'm not expecting anyone today. Colt looks up from his place on the floor, the dog just as curious as I am as to whom it may be, though he doesn't bark, so it must be someone we know. He watches me as I cross the room, going straight to the door.

Opening it, I'm somewhat surprised to see my neighbour, John, standing there, a tentative smile on his face as he looks me over appreciatively, his gaze drawing a blush to my face. 

"Mornin' (Y/n)." He greets, rough voice friendly as he waits for me to let him in.

"Morning John." I smile back, delighted to see him, "What can I do for you?"

I step back, waiting for him to enter, which he does so with a nod of thanks.

"Since when have I needed a reason to see you?" The veteran chuckles, the sound reverberating within me, my brain subconsciously storing the action away for later recall. Gently, John moves into my space, one hand coming to lightly rest on my hips as the other cups my face, drawing me in for a slow kiss. 

Kissing back, I feel a glow of happiness flare up in me at this contact: he's never really one to initiate touch like this, so it's a whole lot more intimate when he does. Relaxed, I loosely wrap my arms around his neck, languidly caressing his dark hair as our lips move together. 

Being the killjoy he often loves to be, Colt pushes in between us, nosing at John's leg, tail wagging enthusiastically as he recognises the familiar man, the dog as fond of his company as I am. Chuckling, John and I pull apart, looking down at the large canine between us, the dark eyes staring up at us imploring us to pay attention to him. Still smiling, John lowers a hand to scratch Colt's head, ruffling his floppy ears a little as the dog instantly allows his mouth to hang open, tongue lolling in content.

"Hey, Colt." The veteran greets, biting back a laugh as the dog pushes me out of the way, nudging at John's stomach.

"He never gets that excited to see me." I complain jokingly, standing back to watch the two interact, a smile playing at my lips.

"Sure he does." John replies, eyes fixing on mine with an expression of fondness, one that had me weak at the knees.

"He really doesn't, he just sits in the corner and whines at me until I feed him. Isn't that right?" I address the dog himself, giving him a light slap on the rear, his ridiculous height meaning I can quite easily reach it, "Anyhow, did you need something? Or did you just come here to kiss me? I can't say I'll complain if that's the case."

Cheekily, I wink at the veteran, leaning back against a nearby counter.

"As nice as that sounds, it's not the reason I came by." He chuckles, blushing lightly, "Though that does sound good."

Grinning, I nod my agreement, only now taking in his body language: he's nervous. His hands fidget, rubbing his fingers over scars and lines on his palms, and he shifts from foot to foot every now and then, small tells he's never quite managed to hide from me.

"Is something up?" I ask him, slightly more serious this time, unnerved by his discomfort.

"No, no, not at all. I, err, well, I just wanted to ask you something." He rubs the back of his neck, head tilted to the side as he regards me, dark eyes fixed on mine.

"Ok, go for it." I prompt him, curiosity sparking my interest.

"Well, do you wanna come to mine? I mean properly, like in the house." John cocks his head to the side, lowering his arm again.

Blinking, I feel shock flood my system, before it turns to unbelievable happiness that he's trusting me enough to come into his private space. Initially, I can't find the right words, somehow struggling to respond, until I find my tongue again.

"I would love to, John." I agree, features lighting up as my mood brightens, "There's nothing I've really got to do today except train up one of the younger horses, so I've got as long as you want after that."

"Great. Is four o'clock alright?" The veteran smiles broadly, though he still looks somewhat nervous.

"Yeah, should be. I'll be there." I promise him, taking up my Stetson from the table as I briefly turn away to put away the plate I was using, having lost my appetite in my sudden excitement.

"I'll get it tidy." He says, looking around the room again, "I'll never understand why you have so many plants in your house. It's like a damn jungle."

At his comment, I laugh loudly, glancing around at the variety of different houseplants I have placed on various shelves, the greenery practically covering every available surface. 

"Because it's way too dry to grow anything like this outside all the time. Anyway, they look nice." I shrug, calling Colt to my side as I follow John from the house, grabbing my jacket from the hook as I pass.

"But why so many?" 

Once again, I shrug, following him over to a nearby post, where he's hitched Bandit, the horse I gave him a few months ago. The buckskin stallion paws at the ground, his pale coat looking as clean as ever even as he noses at the dust, the dark colouring around his eyes (the reason for his name) and legs standing out much more in the bright sun. As we approach, he looks up, snorting in greeting.

"He's looking good." I acknowledge, admiring the strong stallion appreciatively - I had reared Bandit from a foal, before I had given him to the veteran as a gift four months ago, hoping it will help him to grow his own ranch. My plan had worked, and John now has four horses, including Bandit, as well as a couple of other animals, such as a cow, a pig and five chickens. I'd sold him a couple of goats as well, but we soon found out that John and goats just didn't get along. At all.

"Yeah, he's doing well, too. Takes the training very well, too." John runs a hand through the stallion's dark mane, untying the reins.

"That's good. Reckon he'll be ready for a competition soon?" 

"Should be." 

Snorting again, Bandit pulls at the reins, clearly eager to get going, especially as Colt moves up to sniff at the horse's back legs. I quickly whistle him over, knowing Bandit has always been shifty around the dog.

"I'll see you at four then." I finally say, unwilling to say goodbye, even if it is only for a few hours.

"Yeah, see you then." John smiles, leaning in to kiss me again, keeping it brief this time, leaving me wishing for more, as he always does.

"See ya." I grin, watching him climb into the saddle, still somehow fluid in doing so despite his age. 

Gathering the reins in hand, John adjusts himself in the saddle, before he smiles down at me again as he gently urges Bandit into motion. Obediently, the stallion moves into a swift trot, which turns into a faster canter as the two move off down the driveway, heading towards the split in the fence separating our land. I watch as they go, still finding myself enraptured by the sight of the muscular man sat astride the horse, Colt eventually snapping me from my mind as he barks at me. Shaking my head, I follow him towards the stable.

Hours later, having showered and cleaned up, I feel a sense of relief go through me as I hoist myself into the saddle secured into place on Leo's back. It's relaxing, the stallion beneath me more relaxed than the youngster I've been trying to train all day: she never gave me a break. Seemingly sensing this, as he always does, Leo flicks his ears back and nickers softly, very lightly pawing the ground as I give him a pat on the neck, glad to have a more reliable horse taking me where I need to be.

Tilting back my Stetson, I take the reins in hand and ease the stallion into a trot, intending to let him pick up his own pace, my trust in this horse far greater than in the mare from before. Obediently, Leo moves into the correct gait, the two of us moving as if as one, years of riding together having made it easy for us to become in tune with each other. Together, we start off down the road towards John's ranch, the new path we've created beaten and well-used, allowing for relatively easy riding. Leo's hooves pound the dry ground rhythmically, my hips moving in time with his every stride, the relaxing movement helping to calm the nerves that have sprung up inside me.

A part of me is still unconvinced about going into John's home. Yes, I had helped him rebuild it and had seen very little of the inside rooms, but it still feels as if I'm intruding upon the veteran's safe space, his reprieve from the cruelty of the world he lives in. Something about that doesn't sit right with me, but I tell myself it's John's decision to make, not mine, so I should trust him, which I do, wholeheartedly. 

I'm still torn by the time I reach the main house, where John is already sat waiting for me in his rocking chair, dark eyes fixed on me as I approach. Lifting a hand to him, I smile and slow Leo to a halt, praising the horse as I climb down, the gray stallion nosing affectionately at me. Swiftly, I tie him to a nearby post, only to stop when John calls out to me.

"Put him in the stable for the night." He instructs me, gesturing for me to follow him as I try to fight back the sudden onslaught of racing thoughts at his implications: he wants me to stay the night?

"Sure, thanks." I smile back at him, walking after him with Leo in tow.

"Don't worry about it. It's not fair on him if he has to stay out all night." John waves me off with a short grin, "How'd training go?"

I groan.

"Not great. That horse has it in for me, I swear." I complain, rubbing at my arm, remembering the moment I got the new bruise forming there.

"Oh yeah?" He muses, looking amused.

"Yeah. She threw me off eight times!"

"Eight times? Wow, must be a new record." The veteran jokes, something that stirs up the familiar fondness inside me at his more personable behaviour.

"I reckon so. Painful one to set, though, I'll tell you." I remark, smiling broadly as we enter the stable, where I quickly house Leo next to Bandit, removing his tack and other gear.

"Must be." John watches me work, leaning against the door to the large building, muscular arms crossed over an equally muscular chest. Turning back to him, I have to stop and admire the bulging of his biceps as his hands grip his forearms, the veins I've come to love laying out a pattern on the tanned limbs. Everytime I see them, I imagine his strong arms wrapped around me, holding me safe and secure against his solid body, wishing I could feel his hands splayed against me more often.

"Like what you see?" John interrupts my thoughts, voice teasing as he lifts an eyebrow at me, almost smirking at me.

Blushing furiously, I avert my gaze, lifting a hand to gently tap the brim of my Stetson out of my vision.

"You know I do." I laugh nervously, before I look back up at him, "Anyway, since when do you use pickup lines?"

"Since I figured out they get you all flustered." His playful tone is new to me, though it's gone almost as soon as I see it, his guarded expression falling back into place as he returns within himself, probably thinking he overstepped some invisible boundary.

I still can't help stammering for a response, his gruff tone awakening something within me.

"Heh, I guess you're right." I stutter, going over to him.

Nodding, he keeps his expression straight, leading me out back to the house, where he quickly welcomes me inside.

"I tried to tidy it as much as possible, but it's still a bit messy." The veteran apologises, observing the interior of his home critically, even as I do so in awe.

The rooms, from what I can see, are mostly filled with sparse furniture, a few chairs here and there, an old sofa, a couple of vanities and dressers, with a mantlepiece in most, if not all, of them. He hasn't used much colour, but what he has used is tasteful and works well with the overall appearance. The walls, however, are what really draw me into the place.

They are littered with photographs and memorabilia, frames and objects cleaned and polished so they shine brightly in the afternoon sun, many smiling faces visible in them. Curious, I go over to one wall, looking over the array of pictures, which I now recognise to be images of John and his friends from the years he spent here. Amongst them is a creased black and white photo of a young John sat astride a horse not unlike Bandit, a broad grin on the boy's face as he stares at the camera from under a mop of thick black hair. I can feel a small smile creep onto my face at the sight of the veteran looking so happy and carefree, something I've not seen very much of at all in my time around him.

"That was my first horse, Hector. I had him until I left for the army." John says from behind me, sounding somewhat quiet, eyes softened from nostalgia as he stares at the picture along with me, "I loved him a lot, but my father always said he wasn't good enough."

His words hang in the air as I stay speechless, listening intently to what he's saying to me: it's the first I'm hearing about his life before he came here again.

"What happened to him? Hector, I mean." I ask him quietly, tearing my eyes away to look up at John.

The veteran shrugs, appearing somewhat remorseful.

"I'll never know, but I reckon my father sold him as soon as I was gone."

"Oh." I frown, glancing back at the photograph.

"The horse was getting old by that time, though. He probably wasn't much use." John chuckles wryly, moving away towards the stairs nearby, "Do you want to see upstairs?"

"Yeah, sure." I nod, following him as he ascends to the second floor, which I now see consists of three different rooms.

He takes me to the farthest, opening the door to reveal an old study, which looks as if it hasn't been used in a good few years.

"This was my father's study, where he did all his business. I was never allowed in here as a kid." John sweeps his arm around the room, staying by the threshold, as if abiding by a rule that no longer exists, "Not that I go in here that much as an adult."

I look around, finding the neat area interesting: images of a young John hovering by the door, waiting for his father to finish business entering my head.

"It's nice, I like it." I remark, turning to find him smiling very slightly at me.

"It's the only room in the house that's exactly as it used to be. I haven't had time to do up the others properly." John says, leaving the study and going back down the hall, where he opens the other two doors to reveal a bathroom and an empty room.

A dull curiosity flares up within me as I realise one thing about the top floor, but I easily find a solution to it, following John back down the stairs. As we go, however, I realise that my assumption is wrong, as the only other rooms down here are missing the one thing I'd expect in any house.

"Where do you sleep? I haven't seen a bed or anything anywhere." I ask him, cocking my head to the side as he takes me to one final door.

"I'm gonna show you." He smiles at me, before he opens the door.

I blink as I see the dark steps descending into the ground, unease biting at my throat as I flash John a hesitant look. A cool draft wafts up from the black depth, but John only chuckles and moves down into the space below, gesturing for me to follow.

"It's perfectly safe, don't worry." He calls to me, a light flickering on as he reaches the bottom of the steps, illuminating the path to me.

Swallowing, I gingerly step down the stairs, emerging into a tunnel of sorts, my curiosity piqued as I take in the chiselled walls around me, the rock cast in an odd light from the naked bulbs positioned along the length of the cavern. Struts of wood hold the ceiling steady, wiring hanging off of them in places where he's had to hastily put it all together. John watches as I take in the passage, a thoughtful look in place on his face.

"What is this place?" I wonder aloud, still taken aback by the oddity of having a tunnel beneath the house that stretches off in both directions.

"This is my safe space." The veteran informs me, urging me along with him as we go further into the tunnel, walking together for a minute before we emerge out into a larger room of sorts, which is well lit. 

My eyes widen as I realise exactly what he means.

The room acts as his bedroom and bathroom, and also has space to sit and relax, the whole area having a homely feel to it. What was missing in the rooms in the house can be found down here, including more photographs, though these ones seem different to the others. They adorn the walls, all except one, which is decorated with a variety of weapons, both guns and knives. Going over to it, I look over the rifles and shotguns hooked onto the wall, struck speechless as I then turn my attention to a machete, the blade honed but chipped from use, seemingly out of place as it hangs beside another, smaller hunting knife. 

Moving on, I regard the photographs, only now realising that they're military pictures, many of them containing images of a youthful John in fatigues and uniform. A smile creeps back onto my lips as I feel my eyes land on a particular image of a group of men, where I can see John standing amongst them, a triumphant grin on his face, long locks of dark hair held back by a strip of fabric around his head. The others also smile, though there's something bittersweet about the inscription at the corner of the photo: Baker Team, Vietnam. As I look past the other pictures, I notice that the team slowly dwindles, beaming faces becoming drawn and solemn, eventually just leaving two people behind. Beneath this image is another inscription: Baker Team Survivors.

"That was my team in 'Nam." John says suddenly, voice husky as he remembers the friends he had, "None of them made it back. Not really."

Eyes wide, I look back at him, taking in the distant look in his own eyes, the barely concealed grief still raw in his expression as he stares at the photographs. Noticing my gaze, John gestures for me to come sit on the edge of his bed with him, the veteran pulling another photograph from it's place on his bedside table. Doing so, I make sure I'm not touching him, but am close enough to reassure him, waiting patiently for him to start talking of his own accord, knowing that this is a sensitive subject for him.

After a moment, he starts, his voice low as he pulls me into his stories, taking me through suffocating jungles and blistering heats, through recon and rescue missions, through bloody gunfights and hellfire,  through hours spent in torturous situations. He puts me in his shoes as he loses every single member of his team to the gruesome fight he should never have fought, the harrowing grief and pain of letting go of a comrade, someone who's supposed to be by your side for as long as the two of you can stay alive, laid bare for me to see and experience. And even as he moves on, back to familiar territory in the States, the fight never leaves him.

Facing harassment in what should be his safety and security, I can feel every bit of betrayal, of anger and grief that he felt as he is let down by his own country time after time, used again and again by the authorities to do their dirty work, only to be cast aside when it doesn't go their way, the old catchphrase he once lived by, "I've got your back, you've got mine" completely meaningless in this hollow life. His disgust in humanity is plain to me as he outlines his most recent forays into warfare, where the rage he felt is once again transferred to me, and I experience the violent need to take out the parasites in the world that destroy anything good that he did. It's as if I'm there with him, through everything, his description and memories so vivid they chill me to the core, keeping me hooked on his every word.

After a long while, he eventually trails off, and I realise there's a tear rolling down his cheek, his body shaking a little as he holds himself back. My heart breaking, I have to fight the urge to reach out and pull him into an embrace, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. I place my hand on his shoulder instead, rubbing the tight muscles soothingly until he looks up at me with the most heart-rending gaze I've ever seen in my life. At that point, my resolve breaks.

Carefully, I lean in and wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling the veteran towards me. He goes willingly, sobs wracking his body as he wraps his own hands around me, burying his face into my neck, tears flowing freely now as he lets himself go, each pained sound agonising to hear. Tightening my grip, I lay back onto the bed, allowing him to press his body around me, holding me against his muscular form as I rub his back, whispering soothing things to him as his breathing starts to calm a little. It takes time, but eventually he starts to relax, body going limp as he lays in my arms, his larger form awkwardly wrapped around mine as he depresses his face into the crook of my neck.

I barely hear his broken voice as he whispers to me.

"Thank you." 

Breathing in his familiar scent, I just mould myself closer, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead as he does the same to my neck.

"I'm here for you, John. I'm here, and I'll never leave. Not as long as I live, I promise."

[missleahlin]

Glamour Interview with Harry Styles

Summary: Harry Styles and the Reader Y/N did the couple Glamour interview.

“My relationship with Harry?” You smiled into the camera while, Harry stands next to you smiling curiously. You and Harry has been extremely nervous accepting this interview, since even though you both are public figure, you guys choose to be very private with your life and relationship. But since it’s been almost 2 years since you guys are together, this would be the first time you both did a couple interview. And as Harry said it would be a good present to the fans who has been supporting you.

“Ok, perfect who wants to go first?” The director asks us. I turned to look at Harry who has his hand ready for me to hold, and squeezed my hand before turning to the camera.

“Ladies first!” he said while bowing and guiding me to the shot.

“How did I met Harry? hmmmm..?” you said “Well, we met at Selena Gomez concert, we were both seated on the VIP section, And I did the awkward hello. I mean he is Harry Styles, I know him and been a huge fan of his music, while I’m just a friend of celebrities. But yeah for me it was awkward and shy introduction.” Y/n stated while recalling how you first met Harry.

“Cut, Perfect. Harry your turn”, the director said. while Harry nods and walked to where I was. he winks at me while playfully pushing me off the shot.

“The first time I saw Y/n was at Selena’s concert. She said hi to me awkwardly, but I actually heard of her from a mutual friend, so I know she’s a fan of my fan” Harry smiled cheekily.

“That’s good. Y/N, your first impression of Harry” the producer asked.

“The goofiest man I have ever seen” i joked truthfully, and everyone on the studio laughed with me. “But honestly since I known him as a part of One direction, I though, he was your typical celebrity. But seeing him at Selena’s concert singing the lyrics while doing this goofy dance, I just thought maybe he’s not your typical rock star!” Y/N said sincerely while giving a Harry a smile.

‘Okay Harry, your first Impression of Y/N?” the producer said.

“Honestly, Gorgeous! simply beautiful”. Harry exclaimed. “I was honestly star-trucked. I mean she is gorgeous, but very simple. she got the biggest and most sincere smile I have ever seen. I was very intrigued and I told my self that I want to know this person more.” Harry added sincerely while staring directly at Y/n.

‘How do you describe your relationship’?

“Okay, this time I’ll start’, Harry said “The best way to describe my relationship with Y/n is like were childhood couple and married couple at the same time” he smiles “We are so comfortable with each other and we simply complete each other” he finished making you and the other staff smile. 

“My relationship with Harry, is super fun!, I feel like I can be myself. Our relationship is very effortless that we just match. My Relationship with Harry was the most sincere and easiest relationship I ever had” Y/n answered.

‘What did you learn from the other person?’ the director asked

“Y/n has taught me to always be sincere and real, to always be thankful and give back. To simply be a good person. I mean in this industry that I am in there can be time where I feel superior and vain, but Y/n has always been there to keep me grounded and I’m very thankful for her”. Harry said sincerely.

“Harry taught me how to have fun and enjoy life, he taught me that life is short and to enjoy everything that I do. he taught me how to forgive and move on, he’s really good at that” I tried to smile while feeling my eyes getting watery.

‘Love’ Harry interrupts, while approaching me. The room grew quiet as he wrap his arm around me and pecks my lips.

‘Something you guys bond over?’ the director asked

“We like to explore, we bond over how we like to explore new places , we find new placed to eat. we both love to travel, but there are lazy days where we never leave the house” He admit while squeezing your hand.

“Definitely our love for food, we both enjoy cooking so we would experiment new dishes to try. and just spend out time at home watching movies and just being together.” y/n smiles

‘What does your relationship means to you?’

“Being in a relationship with Y/n means everything to me, She’s my person you know” he smiled lovingly at you “She is one of the most important person in my life, and right now I cant imagine life without Y/n.” he added sincerely. 

“I Love her!” he finished.

“He means a lot to me, I also found my person in him” you giggled and cover your face to hide your nervousness “Right now I cannot imagine a life without Harry Styles and I am happy that I met him.” I added.

“I love him too!” you finished making Harry and the staffs laugh.

 “The question part of the interview is done, Now you have to compliment each other back and forth. What you need to do is stare at each others eyes, hold hand and say things you like about each other” the director instructed.

Y/n and Harry moved to the front of the camera holding each other hand and staring at each others eyes, while trying not to laugh.

Harry smiles at me sincerely, his smile that can calm me down while starting.

“You have the purest eyes, when I look at it its like I am looking at the universe.” he confessed while looking directly on your eyes.

“oh that’s so sweet” you giggled while caressing the side of his hand with your thumb. “You are sexy! and that smile, Darn!” you exclaimed making everyone laugh while Harry looked down trying to hide his blush.

“You’re so caring” he started again after the room become quiet “You take care of me without expecting anything” this time he leans in and your lips softly yet quickly.

“You are so talented, not only with your music but with everything you do. You always give your 100% and I always admire you for that”. you sincerely said, while Harry looks down feeling shy with the compliment.

* You and Harry continue complimenting each other for a while until the director said its time to move on.

‘Now I want you guys to hug each other for a minute’, the director told us

“Only for a minute?” Harry complains “that is for amateur,  come here love”. You laugh as he walks up to you and wrap his arms around you.

“this is so weird” you giggled into his neck

“did you wash your hair today” he jokes while smelling your hair teasing you.”you know I did” you whispered, “it smells good love” as he laughs.

‘okay 3.2.1 done! now for the final task look into each others eyes and tell each other a message’, the director instructed.”lets start with Harry”

“Thanks you!” Harry started quietly and sincerely while staring at you lovingly, “Thank you for coming into my life, I am thankful that I have met an incredible person who has been always there for me. I know that I’m a handful sometimes but thank you for understanding and loving me. Please understand that I can be too much sometimes but know this, I am always your Harry and your Harry that will never stop admiring and loving you.” Harry sincerely said making you cry and laugh at the same time. “I love you so much” he whispered to you while giving you a peck in the lips.

“Okay your turn make me cry” he jokingly said lifting the mood.

“Dear Harry” you jokingly started making him smile. “I want to say thank you for coming into my life and making my life an adventure. I want to tell you that I am always here cheering for you and always supporting you on whatever you do. I am so proud of you. Thank you for making me a better person and for making my life fun and exciting. I honestly cannot imagine my life without you in it. Keep being you, and I will always be your Y/n.” you sincerely said looking at Harry’s teary eyes. “I love you so much too” you whispered while hugging him.

*After the emotional messaged from each other, the director instructed Harry and Y/n to say goodbye to this interview*.

“Thank you for watching the Glamour Interview with Y/n and Harry Styles” You and Harry Said at the same time.”Goodbye” Y/n and Harry screamed while the director said cut.

* The interview comes to an end. We both thanks and bid our goodbye to everyone on the set.

Harry looked at me and said “we did great” he said leaning in and pecking my lips.

“we sure did” I answered leaning on him and making our way home..

[leelee10898]

A miss match Christmas: matched for disaster.

Hello everyone! Hope you all are having fun reading and writing these awesome Christmas fics! This is my submission for our 12 days of fictmas: 2020 edition, hosted by myself and @emichelle . This comes from the VIP book miss match.. granted the book is not over but, im my head Jack x MC (Callie) have both become CEO of two's company and are married.. this jumps a few years into the future.

The sound of heels could be heard on the slick marbled floor from down the hall. He kept his head forward, eyes trained on the laptop in front of him. As the clicking grew closer, his lips curled up into a smile. "I thought you were heading home?" He could hear the laugh in her voice, he finally looked up to meet her eyes. Those eyes, that intoxicating smile, it was what drew him in the first time they met. It was 4 years ago on valentines day, in her fathers crowded bar. "I could say the same for you." He chuckled. 

She walked over to the desk, standing behind him leaning down to see what he was working on. Her long brown hair brushed against his cheek.   "Last minute additions to the Christmas party, Jack?" She eyed him, he casually shrugged his shoulders. "And how many clients will be in attendance now?" Her fingers hovered over the mouse, clicking the guest list, her eyes widened in shock.  "He is coming?" Jack gave her a knowing look as she stood up striaght.  "Now Callie, I know what you're thinking but, wasn't it you who said, and I quote 'everyone deserves to find love, no matter what' ?" He gave her a smug smile. 

"Yes," Callie spoke through gritted teeth. "But this guy is accident prone. We will have to tie the decorations down with steel ropes, not to mention no open flames. The wait staff will need helmets.." she began to ramble. Jack chuckled as he stood to calm his pacing partner. "It will be ok,Callie. Just relax." 

Two weeks later… 

Callie stood toeards the back of the room, her eyes constantly scanning for the one person she would have to be on constant look out for. The worry leaving a crease between her eyes. "Have you moved from this spot at all?" She heard his smooth baritone come up beside her. 

"No." She casually spoke, not taking her eyes off the door. Jack shook his head, a small chuckle escaping him as he handed her a champagne flute. "You're cute when you're flustered,Cal. Just Relax." 

Just as he spoke a tall man came into view, callie sucked in a panicked breath and sat her glass on the table. Jack placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and turned her face towards his with his free hand. "We will approach him together, he is here to find a match just like everyone else is." Callie nodded and the two crossed the room.  

"Thomas Haught, it's good to see you again. You remember my partner,Callie?" Jack spoke, extending his hand. Thomas reached out to shake it, missing completely and knocking the glass out of Jack's other hand. 

"Jack." Callie groaned under her breath. 

"I am so, so sorry Jack." Thomas apologized. "I am such a klutz, maybe I shouldn't have come." 

"It's ok Tom,You are perfectly fine. Try to relax, everyone is here for the same reason. Why dont you grab a bite to eat and we will meet up in a few." Jack smiled politely. 

Thomas nodded and headed towards the elaborate buffet table,Callie began to panick "Jack, you just sent him to get food, alone. There are flames under those trays, what if he," callies eyes widened in horror as she watched Thomas's sleeve catch fire.  It was quickly put out by a server. "You see!" She shrieked. 

"Ok, so maybe Toms a little bit accident prone. Which is why we need to find someone who is a great care giver for him." He chuckled, Callie rolled her eyes and walked away. 

As the night went on Callie tailed Thomas. In his wake he managed to trip a waiter carrying a full tray of cranberry and brie with crackers. Knocked over the ice sculpture and elbowed a match maker in the face, blackening his eye.  Tom sat at a table alone, Callie was able to relax a little as she watched him slump his shoulders in defeat. If he was sitting, he couldn't be that much of a threat. 

Thomas was a handsome man, he was tall and had a thin build. He was in his early thirties and a client of the company's for several years. He was thought to be an 'un matchable' but that didn't stop Jack from trying. She recalled his file in her head. The man volunteered with underprivileged children, he owned his own company and was a volunteer fire fighter.  How he managed to not cause more damage with that last part was beyond her. 

As she stood there staring at him, she began to feel that familar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had spent so much time preparing for disaster that she could not let herself willingly try to match this man. That's when the match maker spark came to life.  "I know that look, you found your fire." Jacks strong arms wrapped around her waist. "I told you to stop fighting yourself, you were going to lose." He chuckled as his lips found the base of her neck. 

"Why is it that the man can rush into burning buildings without falling through the steps, or the place falling in on him. But he can't walk an open room without tripping on a loose thread in the carpet?" She softly hummed. 

"It's probably the adrenaline, that and a mix of confidence." Jack answered.  "When is this party over again?" His lips exploring her exposed skin. 

"That's it!" She quickly spun around in his arms. "You're a genius,Jack! And that's why I married you." She quickly kissed him. "You're a genius." She murder against his lips before turning and walking away. 

"What did I do? No clue?" He spoke to himself, shaking his head and following her across the room. 

"Having a good time, Thomas?" The sound of  Callies voice made Thomas jump up. His knees hit the table and knocked over several drinks and his chair. "I'm so sorry, why am I such a spaz?" Thomas groaned as he lifted a glass off the table. "It's ok Tom, just leave it. The staff will clean it up." By this time Jack had joined the two, giving Callie a confused look. 

"Walk with us, will you?"  Callie motioned to Thomas. Thomas wrung his hands nervously, tripping over his own feet. "This is hopeless, maybe I should just go home.  I can't even walk without tripping over my own feet, how am I supposed to find love? I would probably accidentally harm them somehow." 

Callie held up her hand, motioning around the room at the various people. Some couples that had just connected, others just mingling trying to find a spark. "Do you think any one of these people are perfect? That they don't all have some kind of quirk? Some personal issues? Because I will tell you, nobody is perfect. Tell me Thomas do you have any mishaps when you're running into a burning building?" 

Tomas searched his mind. "Ah, no. No I can't say that I have." 

"And why do you think that is?" She pressed.  

"Adrenaline? I don't have time to think I just do it." He shrugged, a smile spread across her face as Thomas began to connect the dots. 

"I think you have the potential to be a great someone to somebody, you just need to stop over thinking it and be yourself." Callie patted him on the shoulder. Thomas looked to Jack who nodded his head in agreement.  "She's right you know. She's always right." 

As the three stood there, Jack with his arms around Callie and Thomas scanning the room with a new found sense of pride, he noticed a couple getting a little too hot and heavy by the enormous 10 foot Christmas tree. He watched in horror as it began to sway just as a pretty petite dark haired woman stood right in the path of destruction.  Thomas set off in a sprint across the room, he grabbed the woman by the waist yanking her out of the way just in time as the tree crashed to the ground. The pair tumbled on the floor, Thomas landing practically on top of the woman. 

Callie and Jack ran over to the pair as Thomas perched up to look down on the raven haired beauty, shock written all over her face.

"I'm sorry for the crash landing miss but, I couldn't let such a gorgeous creature be crushed to death by a massive tree." He gave her a cheesy grin as he helped her up. 

"Oh my god, Maggie are you ok?" Callie wrapped her assistant in her arms. 

"I'm perfect, thanks to my Hero over here. " Maggie blushed as she motioned towards Thomas. 

" oh im no hero miss." He gave her a bashful smile. 

"Anyone who risks being impaled by a rogue tree is definitely a hero in my book. I owe you one." Maggie flirted.  

"All in a day's work, mam." Thomas blushed awkwardly.  He looked to callie and Jack, callie giving him an encouraging nod. 

"Would you ah, would you like to grab a drink?" 

Maggie looked to Callie and Jack, twos companys no dating clients or co-workers policy used to be iron clad, until Jack and Callie showed Veronica just how stupid the rule could be. Technically it wasn't encouraged to date clients but, Maggie wasn't a match maker and Thomas was actually perfect for her. 

"You two have fun." Callie winked as she grabbed Jack by the arm leading him away as the banquet halls staff began cleaning up the tree fiasco. They walked out onto the balcony, the cold New York air causing immediate goosebumps on callies skin. Jack noticed, shrugging off his jacket and draping it Over her shoulders. "You know if you asked me 4 years ago if I would be here, like this in this moment I would have told you, you were crazy." He spoke softly, his gaze fixed on his wife. " of course I always knew I would be CEO." He gave a cocky chuckle. 

"And now?" She challenged. 

"Now I cant begin to believe my life. I never thought I would share everything with someone I am truly head over heels in love with. I love you Callie Munroe, you never stop amazing me with everything you do. And just when I think you couldn't possibly amaze me more, you go and give us a family." 

Callies eyes widened, she hadn't told him yet. She found out they were expecting a week ago and planned on telling him Christmas morning. "How did you know?" 

"I know everything about you, Callie. I can not wait to be a dad, this will be our greatest chapter yet. Merry Christmas." He leaned in placing a soft kiss to her forehead.  

"Merry Christmas, Jack." 

******☆☆☆☆☆******

Tag list : Writers : @texaskitten30 @Leelee10898 @emichelle @zaffrenotes @alj4890 @burnsoslow @kat-tia801 @darley1101 @msjr0119 @annekebbphotography @god-save-the-keen @plumeriavibes @ofpixelsandscribbles @camillemontespan @ao719 @cocomaxley @cordoniansgonewild @twinkleallnight @the-soot-sprite @cordoniantrash @axwalker @innerpostmentality @lucy-268 @janezillow @katedrakeohd  

Readers : @mom2000aggie @sfb123 @bbrandy2002 @debramcg1106 @desireepow-1986 @speedyoperarascalparty @hopefulmoonobject  

[mortimemedoodles]

Lotor Friendsim?

Hey yall, this isn't much I just took the mc of Homestuck-Friendsim and replaced them with Lotor bc I'm out here to have fun. without further ado, here.

You have just crash-landed on a planet called Alternia, and staggered from the smoldering wreckage of your ship. You don't recall how you found your way out of the quintessence field, but better here than there, you guess. You are now completely alone in a strange world. Desperate for information, for provisions, and possibly a bit of medical attention. But most of all, you are desperate for...

FRIENDSHIP? 

Won't someone on this godforsaken rock be your buddy?

....Actually, no. You really are looking more for medical attention and provisions more than anything else. A buddy would be a good provider of these things, but really any weirdo will do. You're not that picky. You know more than anything that making friends can have disastrous side effects if you are not careful. You decided not to dwell on the series of events that lead you to be here and put voltron out of your mind. After all, your ship is ruined and you don't think you will be going anywhere any time soon. Best to look for help. Hang on... What's this now? Is someone approaching...?

Yes, someone is approaching! A strange, grey-skinned alien, clad in blue. Perhaps they will make for a good friend? You smooth out your hair and try to look half presentable despite your blatantly horrible wounds and burns.

ARDATA: dear god. ARDATA: and just what are you supposed to be? Your stammering reply eventually conveys that you are a lost traveler to keep this interaction simple, you also let her know you are hungry and probably in some need of medical treatment. You're also quite disoriented from your sudden landing in a strange new world and wouldn't mind making a new friend right now. ARDATA: oh. oh my. mmmmhmhm. ARDATA: hmhmhmhmhmhm... ARDATA: hmhmmhmmwahahahahahahaha. ARDATA: oh how funny thiiis iiis. how very droll. you... ARDATA: YOU want to be MY friiiend? ARDATA: iiit's too much. thiiis, thiiis THIIING at my doorstep, wiiishiiing to know me iiin any capaciiity. the hiiilariiity somehow escapes my abiiiliiity to capture wiiith maniiiacal laughter. how rare. You apologize for your presumptuous request. You replace your helmet, turn around, and begin to walk aw-

ARDATA: and just what the fuck do you thiiink you are doiiing? ARDATA: who iiinviiited you to leave?

You stop in your tracks, and turn to face her again. Your possibly broken ribs are throbbing in pain. But this does not strike you as the right moment to exhibit weakness. ARDATA: iiit dawns on me that we may have gotten off on the wrong saunterpod. where are my manners? ghastly behaviiior on my part. ARDATA: after all, iiit iiisn't YOUR fault you seem to be some sort of hiiideous freak, iiis iiit? and such a tragiiic creature cannot be held responsiiible for such a devastatiiing shortfall of sociiial competence. ARDATA: iii would weep for you, really. except that cryiiing out of three eyes at once gets a biiit messy. so iiinstead, iii thiiink iii'll be saviiing my tears for someone less offensiiively worthless. You... aren't sure if she's inviting you inside? Or if she just got you to stay a little longer, so she could insult you some more. You cant say youre fond of it, but after all that you have been through with voltron you cant say you feel you are above being criticized for many things. You try to remain stoic, while your confrontational new friend decides what to do with you. You have objectively been through much worst. Still you cant help but wince. Not only over your broken ribs but the stabbing pain of being abandoned once again. You would think this would be something you were used to by now. You sniffle slightly despite yourself. ARDATA: oh. ARDATA: oh my, oh dear. you're... ARDATA: sad? hmhmhmhm. ARDATA: hmhmhmwahaha. so amusiing to me. miiildly endeariiing, even? ARDATA: perhaps. iii'll decide later iiif iiit's endeariiing, once iii have more iiinformatiiion. iiit's entiiirely possiiible iii wiiill retroactiiively deciiide iiit's diiisgustiiing. ARDATA: but for now, try to put yourself at ease. you completely piiitiiiful fool. not one more sniiiffle. ARDATA: do you understand? You nod, while practicing exemplary control over your nose. ARDATA: you have gotten yourself so agiiitated. iii wonder why. you have nothiiing to worry about from me. ARDATA: of course iii wiiill be your friiiend. condiiitiiionally, iii mean. there iiis a chance the desiiignatiiion wiiill be formaliiized, iiif you behave iiin ways that iii approve of, startiiing now. ARDATA: let's call iiit a friiiendshiiip iiin progress. agreed? Your heart swells. This is what you've been waiting for. A new friend... oh gosh. All you have to do now is try not to fuck anything up at all, possibly for many hours. This seemed very good until you thought about it like that and now you really just want to leave. ARDATA: come iiinto my hiiive. thiiis way, after me. you look liiike you could use nouriiishment. ARDATA: iii don't know what iiit iiis that whatever you are eats, generally. but iiit doesn't matter. you wiiill eat whatever iiit iiis iii have on hand, iiif iii tell you to. how does that sound? How DOES it sound? It sounds good. I'll do whatever you say. You tell her. You can tell by her very unpleasant disposition that she is the type you want to speak with respect to to get what you want. God, its almost like your father decided to come back in the form of a strange looking teenaged girl.

ARDATA: obviiiously iiit sounds good. you wiiill defiiiniiitely enjoy it.

ARDATA: you wiiill enjoy everythiiing iii proviiide you wiiith, and tell you to do. iii can't iiimagiiine any sort of negatiiiviiity or diiisagreement comiiing from one of my friiiends.

ARDATA: iii wiiill assume that we share thiiis phiiilosophy, when iiit comes to friiiendshiiip?

You say, oh yes, absolutely. You nod as enthusiastically as you can, without aggravating your broken ribs. You resist the urge to roll your eyes into the back of your skull.

You consider giving her a thumbs up as well, until you realize one of your arms is probably broken too. You'll try to make sure she doesn't notice though. It would probably leave a bad impression.

ARDATA: come wiiith me. there's somethiiing iii need your help wiiith.

You follow her into her hive. It's a bit gloomy in here. You suppose she's going to fix you something to eat soon, as promised.

You pass through her kitchen, and... out the other side, to another room? Ok, you guess dinner can wait. Better not to piss her off and get kicked outbefore she can help you.

ARDATA: thiiis way. try not to let any of your broken liiimbs slow you down.

ARDATA: a good friiiend wouldn't allow such triiifliiing physiiical aiiilments cause me any iiinconveniiience.

Ah. Shes seen your injuries and does not intend to do anything to fix them. At least this is what you gather from your observation of her personality so far. You want to be angry but at the very least she has decided not to do something that would force you to work with your broken limbs. You are absolutely not in the mood to fight for example. You hobble a little faster, through another door into a much darker room. And now, down a flight of stairs?

It's hard to see. There are torches along the wall ahead. A monstrous noise rumbles below.

ARDATA: don't miiind her. she's just hungry. she's always hungry though.

ARDATA: what's that? you're hungry too? iii have not forgotten. what sort of piiiece of shiiit friiiend do you take me for?

You didn't remind her that you're hungry. You thought it though. Can she... read your mind? You hope not. That's going to make this friendship slash food excursion in progress a bit awkward. Not to mention that most of your thoughts on her thus far have been particularly kind.

ARDATA: here we are. thiiis iiis where you wiiill be most useful to me as a friiiend.

You look around. With a sense of relief, you see no sign of whatever hungry thing was grumbling down here. You are less relieved to see several other kids trapped in cages of various shape and size. If anything you are rather disgusted but decide to quickly clear your mind of that repulsion.

One of them makes eye contact with you.

The boy is the same kind of alien as her. Horns and all. He has a dark red symbol on his shirt. His expression seems to plead with you.

He struggles to say, "Hel..... p". Your new friend looks unamused and twitches her finger. "Hel... plo!" he says.

"Helplo. By which I mean, hello of course. Looks like you're the new friend in progress chosen by the great and beautiful Ardata."

"She's my savior, my reason for being. I am nothing without her. I'd hollow myself out and let her make a nest inside of me, if she'd permit it!"

You turn away from this boy. You don't want to hear anything he has to say, ever again.

ARDATA: hmhmhmmmm. don't miiind hiiim. he's always regarded hiiimself as a comediiian.

ARDATA: come. over here. thiiis iiis what iii need your help wiiith, iiif you're goiiing to have any value to me as a friiiend.

You're led to a dank corner of this, well, you're going to call it like you see it. This dungeon. Your new 'friend' has a dungeon full of sad, suffering children, and presumably a monster lurking somewhere in here as well. It's not ideal.

Then again, beggars like you can't be choosers. Not yet at least.

ARDATA: iii've been haviiing an awful tiiime wiiith iiit.

ARDATA: you can do iiit for me. iiit wiiill save me tiiime.

You look at the thing in question. You doubt she's been having an "awful time" with it. You doubt this because it's still in its box, looking completely untouched since it was brought down here.

It's a box containing a... table? A table that looks ominously like it was designed to keep a person strapped to its surface. You somehow find yourself missing the quintessence field looking at it.

ARDATA: iii wiiill need you to assemble iiit.

ARDATA: here's a screwdriiiver, iiin case you need iiit. iii wiiill assume other requiiired tools are contaiiined wiiithiiin the box.

You take the screwdriver with your non-broken arm. This isn't exactly what you had in mind, but you cant say its unexpected in hindsight.

You don't know what you had in mind, really. A warm meal, and friendly banter? Perhaps a sling for your arm, and a remedial balm for your ribs. Still, you open the box without protest.

ARDATA: hold on. before you start, thiiis wiiill make for excellent content.

ARDATA: my fans wiiill appreciiiate thiiis.

She sets up a video recording device on a tripod, and points it at you. A video feed comes to life on several monitors just behind you. You see in one corner of a screen, an unflattering angle of your torso hunched over the furniture box.

Other rectangles contain shots of the other kids in cages around the room. You suppose cameras are pointing at them, too. You had no idea this so called friendship came with the perk of instant stardom. Fucking fantastic.

ARDATA: now you may begiiin.

She's suddenly sitting in a comfortable looking chair facing you, and holding a chalice, swishing around some viscous liquid it contains.

You have all the parts spread out on the floor, organized according to their labels in the instructions.

You remember the last time you assembled something like this. You don't recall enjoying it. To be perfectly honest... this doesn't look like it will be fun at all. She frowns conspicuously.

ARDATA: oh. how sad for you.

ARDATA: iii'm sorry. iiis thiiis actiiiviiity not to your liiikiiing?

You reassure her vigorously that, no, it actually looks amazing. You love shit like this. It's what you were born for, you say, as you swoosh the screwdriver around, demonstrating your plainly evident skill with the tool.

Forget the thing you just thought. Completely arbitrary and WRONG thoughts pop into your head all the time. It meant nothing, you swear.

ARDATA: mmmhmhmhm.

ARDATA: yes. iii hear that a lot.

ARDATA: contiiinue.

You open the little bag full of screws. goodness, there are about, fifty screws to this thing. Where could most of these screws POSSIBLY even go? Judging from the picture, the table really doesn't seem that complicated.

You look at your screwdriver, then study the screws. Every single one requires some sort of wrench. Does this even come with a wrench? The instructions seem to suggest it does.

You look around, but don't see one. Did you open the bag too forcefully? Did the wrench go bouncing off into a dark dungeon crevice nearby? Maybe you lost some of the screws too... damn it.

You hold back a sigh and look around curiously. You check underneath one of the parts. No, it's not under there. You grip the screwdriver a little tighter to fight back frustration.

You wonder what to do next.

> Get the hell out of there.

First, you clear your head and try to think innocent thoughts.

Altea. your lovely little cat Kova. Your trip to Oriande. Ardata's long black hair spilling over her cloak. Her tripping down the stairs and breaking a horn. Her...wait. These are NOT innocent thoughts. If anything theyre more likely to make her want to berate you again for imagining such foolish things. Shut it down. SHUT IT DOWN.

There's no time for thinking. You have to act. You hurl the screwdriver at her and run.

She calmly lifts a hand towards one of the kids in the cages. The kid tenses up and lifts a hand in the direction of the screwdriver. The screwdriver freezes mid-air, right in front of Ardata's head.

You run up the stairs. She twitches a finger, the caged kid does a full body spasm, and the screwdriver goes sailing toward you. It stabs deep into your leg, and you buckle over, tumbling backwards down the stairs.

You're a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs, bleeding, and you think your arm is broken in two places now.

ARDATA: that diiidn't seem very friiiendly to me.

ARDATA: luckiiily for you, iii'm very determiiined to make relatiiionshiiips work.

ARDATA: even ones wiiith people who flee siiimple furniiiture assembly projects.

She stands over you. You attempt to pull the screwdriver out of your leg, but your entire body locks up. You can't move. She holds an outstretched hand just above you.

ARDATA: you shouldn't try to move yet.

ARDATA: and you certaiiinly shouldn't try to pull out that screwdriiiver. you'll get blood everywhere.

ARDATA: to my three liiittle eyes, under the present condiiitiiions, iiit seems to me that only one of us should attempt walkiiing up these staiiirs.

You feel somewhat relieved. Perhaps she has some... alien means of levitating you up the stairs? Wait... no. That doesnt sound like something she would do.

Your body is tensing up again. It's moving without your permission. You get to your feet, without taking the screwdriver out. Wow that hurts. What is she making you... wait. What? She can't be. There are many things she could be doing to you right now in your mind, but surely she doesnt intend to..?

You use both of your arms, and all your strength, and pick her up entirely. The pain from your arm is excruciating. Arms with broken bones are not meant for heavy lifting. The additional weight on your wounded leg isn't great either. Wonderful.

You hold her as a groom would hold a bride. She wraps her arms around your neck, to hang on to you in what strikes you as an overly familiar manner. She looks directly into your eyes, and grins.

ARDATA: thiii2 iii2 better.

ARDATA: now. onward and upward, new friiiend.

ARDATA: mmmwahahahaha.

Your legs begin to operate without your consent. They wobble and struggle under the weight, the wound throbs. You lumber back up the long flight of stairs, carrying her all the way.

You take her back to the kitchen and set her down in a chair seated at a table.

ARDATA: you diiidn't thiiink iii'd forget about diiinner tiiime, diiid you?

ARDATA: let's put your unfriiiendly behaviiior behiiind us. iiit's a good thiiing for you that iii'm benevolent enough to overlook diiisgustiiing acts of betrayal.

ARDATA: you may have notiiiced iii keep several friiiends iiin my hiiive who iii have siiimiiilarly forgiiiven.

ARDATA: consiiider the transgressiiion blood beneath the abattoiiir.

You exhale. Now that she mentions it, yes, you are hungry. Somehow you feel this is not going to end well for you, but you also know that thinking negativly is not going to make things better either.

Maybe a warm meal, if you even get it, will lift your spirits and get this heretofore turbulent friendship back on track. Maybe you'll even get the chance to pull this screwdriver out of your leg.

You pull out a chair and attempt to sit down. But your legs lock up, and then you stand again. Apparently this was not the right thing to do. As you expected, but you tried to have hope.

ARDATA: oh. but why are you siiittiiing?

ARDATA: there's cookiiing to be done.

Of course this is happening. You stagger mechanically over to the fridge, and open it. You pull out a large hock of some sort of alien mystery meat, and put it on the counter.

With your broken arm, you reach in anguish for a big dangling meat cleaver. You chop the hock, wincing with each swing of the cleaver.

You didn't know that's the way she likes it, but you surmise this is what she prefers in a piece of meat, since technically she is the one doing the cooking.

You put it on the table in front of her, along with a fork and knife beside it. Your muscles relax, as you apparently are allowed to control your own body again. She does nothing, except look at you with a pleased expression.

You eye the meat in front of her. Then the meat on the counter. And the chair on the other side of the table.

What should you do? Prepare a plate for yourself? Is that what she wants you to do? You hope it is but you know its not.

ARDATA: well?

ARDATA: iiit looks liiike you're confused.

ARDATA: iiisn't iiit obviiious what to do next, under your own voliiitiiion?

ARDATA: a good friiiend would know what to do. iiin fact, iii don't thiiink a good friiiend would take nearly as long to deciiide what the riiight thiiing to do next iiis.

ARDATA: iiit actually seems to me that a very rude friiiend would hesiiitate for as long as you are hesiiitatiiing.

ARDATA: or perhaps. someone who iiis not a friiiend at all?

You hold back on sighing again. You clearly don't have much time to make up your mind. If you wait for even a few seconds longer, you will probably be guilty of being a bad friend. Maybe even a dreadful one.

you are already neck deep in this and going through this hell for nothing seems pointless to you now.

What will you do?

> Feed her.

This feels like the only obvious thing to do. She is looking up at you quite expectantly. You reach for the fork with your good arm. You go for the knife with your other... ow.

You can't do it. The arm is much less serviceable when the muscles are not being forced via psychic override to disregard the pain response.

Nevertheless, she looks at you patiently and smiles. That's nice for you, you think, for her not to be mad about it. You feel like you're pleasing your new friend more and more by the minute.

You put the fork down, and pick up the knife with your good arm. You cut the meat into several pieces with a careful sawing motion.

You put the knife down and pick up the fork, and stab a piece. You put it close to her mouth. She seems pleased.

ARDATA: very good. niiice techniiique.

ARDATA: well siiized morsels, too.

She chews the meat with excellent form. She has very good table manners, you think. When she finishes the pieces, you slice off some more, and continue.

The meat looks very good. Your mouth is watering, but she doesn't offer any. Oh well, when it's the right time for you to eat too, you're sure she will let you know.

The meal is finished. There is no more meat, except for a few pieces of unchewable gristle, which you did not try to feed her. That would be thoughtless, very bad service.

She reclines, and steeples her fingers, looking quite pleased with how her evening has gone so far.

ARDATA: mhmhmhmhmhm.

You aren't sure why she's laughing. Does she have more cruelty up her sleeve shes ready to dish out?

ARDATA: mwahahahaha.

ARDATA: oh my. hahahaha.

ARDATA: what a fool.

You point at yourself, wondering if she's referring to you. You don't know what you've done that was foolish, if so. You're also still not sure what she finds so amusing.

ARDATA: hahahahaha.

ARDATA: hahahaha.

ARDATA: mmha. haha.

ARDATA: ha.

ARDATA: ...

She pauses her laughter for a minute or two. Then slowly begins to frown. A faint blue tear rolls down her cheek, from her bottom eye.

ARDATA: the truth iiis. iii don't even know why iii'm laughiiing.

ARDATA: thiiis iiisn't very funny, what's happeniiing here.

ARDATA: iiit was a good diiinner. you diiid a good job. whoever you are.

She puts her face in both of her hands, and sobs quietly. You have no idea what to do about this. You stand there, still holding the fork, feeling a bit useless. Shes tortured you horribly but you can see shes still just a teenager. You feel a little bad watching this.

ARDATA: there iiis a lot of pressure, you know.

ARDATA: beiiing so respected and admiiired for your hiiigh status iiin thiiis world.

ARDATA: iii diiidn't ask for thiiis. to be so superiiior to so many.

ARDATA: much iiis expected of you. much iiis presumed about what your personaliiity wiiill be, before you even develop one.

ARDATA: you work hard. and buiiild a brand. based only on what you thiiink people assume you should be liiike.

ARDATA: sometiiimes iii wonder. am iii even that GOOD at beiiing siiiniiister?

ARDATA: could iii be MORE siiiniiister, iiif iii triiied harder?

ARDATA: maybe thiiis iiis not my true calliiing after all.

You begin to offer words of sympathy. This all seems heartbreaking to you. this child needs some sort of support you think. But your jaw muscles contract, and your mouth shuts involuntarily.

You guess it's not your turn to speak yet? Fine, that works for you. You dont really know what to say anyways.

ARDATA: but what would happen iiif iii changed my brand? iiif iii stopped beiiing so siiiniiister onliiine?

ARDATA: my friiiends and followers wiiill deriiide and reject me.

ARDATA: and my superiiiors wiiill eat me aliiive.

ARDATA: iiif iii show weakness. iiif iii scale back on my bloodthiiirsty content.

ARDATA: wiiill iii iiincur the scorn of a wiiise ass clown wiiith a hundred miiilliiion subscriiibers?

ARDATA: wiiill iii be iiin a cage some day. liiisteniiing to a fuckiiing fool honk hiiis horn for liiikes?

ARDATA: no. iii must persiiist.

ARDATA: how lonely iiit iiis to know thiiis iiis all iii can do, untiiil the day iii leave thiiis planet.

ARDATA: iii have no materiiial or sensory comforts left for me here.

ARDATA: untiiil iii can get on a shiiip and fly away. paiiin iiis my only solace.

Your hand holding the fork grips it tighter. You're horrified to realize what it is in the process of doing.

You bring it down hard on her hand which is placed flat on the table. She doesn't flinch, or react in any way. Three trails of cerulean blood flow from the tines where they pierce her skin.

That wasn't very friendly, you think. You expected her anger from that. But then, you weren't the one who did it, were you? You're so confused.

ARDATA: my subscriiibers are not real friiiends.

ARDATA: they adore me only for my siiiniiister content. the show iii proviiide. my wiiicked, iiinfectiiious laughter.

ARDATA: iii get jealous of them someiiimes, because they get to watch my content. iiit must be thriiilliiing, iii thiiink. but maybe...

ARDATA: iii'm just jealous of them because they get to be people who aren't me?

ARDATA: thiiis iiis fucking deep. iii know. apologiiies iiif you cannot relate.

She pulls the fork out of her hand, and lays it gently on the plate of gristle you didn't feed her.

ARDATA: the people downstaiiirs iiin theiiir cages aren't my friiiends eiiither.

ARDATA: they act liiike they're my friiiends though. and sometiiimes, iii even beliiieve iiit.

ARDATA: but they don't really want to be friiiends wiiith me.

ARDATA: nobody does.

ARDATA: the only person who has ever really wanted to be my friiiend. who's ever TRIIIED to be...

ARDATA: iiis you?

You clear your throat, and point to yourself innocently.

ARDATA: that's iiit. iii've deciiided.

ARDATA: you have passed the test.

ARDATA: you wiiill become my friiiend. offiiiciiially.

ARDATA: as such, iii thiiink a reward iiis iiin order.

You are overjoyed. Your heart starts racing. You can't believe it. A new REAL FRIEND. You hope this means the hell shes put you through is over. But you don't have much time to enjoy this achievement. Your body is doing something again.

You bend down in a strained motion and pick up the plate and fork. You position the plate over your wide open mouth, and scrape in all the remaining gristle, and begin chewing.

It's virtually inedible. Your mouth humors the act of chewing for two seconds, and then you swallow all of it whole, in one painful gulp.

Tastes like friendship.

[llodblinky]

Chapter 4

A few days after X'tolzia had her aether corrected, she and Cirina decided to take a mini vacation to Costa del Sol. While they both still think of Llod and his recovery, Wodrick alleviated their worries. They recall what he had told them.

"He's recovering well, more strain than we thought but nothing we cant handle. He should be back in tip top shape in a few more days." He confirmed.

With newfound relief, they paid Llod a quick visit wishing him well and a swifter recovery. Upon exiting, the sisters went to the adventurer's guild to relax and get some refreshing water. They discussed their many goings in the world amd what 'trouble' they've gotten into since they last saw each other. Then X'tolzia changes the subject, surprising her sister Cirina.

"Well, sounds like we need a mini vacation. How about the beach! Costa del Sol isn't too far from here by airship." X'tolzia grinned.

Cirina drew a look of worry, flustered at the thought of wearing a swimsuit.

"I-I'm not sure, there's a lot of sand and....i don't think I can pull off a two piece like you can." She looks down towars her feet. Seeing X'tolzia's shadow grow closer.

X grabs Cirina by both of her shoulders, bearing a stone straight face as she talks, that does a turn around by the end of her sentence.

"You....would look.........SO DAMN CUUUUTE!!~" She has the biggest grin on her face, turning Cirina around and pushing her toward the airship.

"Now c'mon, TO THE BEACH!"

"X I'm really not sure I-"

"Stop being a baby, trust your big sis"

"It's not that I don't its just-"

"You're gonna make so many heads roll~ hahaha."

"X!!"

And off they went, to Costa del Sol.

After they arrived, they stopped at the little boutique shop to get some swimwear, as the last time they came they were but young teenagers. X'tolzia looking for two pieces that felt modest and were a pretty color. Cirina was just wandering the shop, stopping at some cute memorabilia. X found her and drag her away in typical X fashion, throwing her over her shoulder.

"Here, whaddya think? Do I look good or what?" She smirks whilst wearing a two piece in a somewhat shiny silver, a straw beach hat, and a pareo around her lower half.

Cirina blushing a bit, admiring her elder sister's beauty. She is taken back a bit as well, wondering if she could ever match her. Usually more comfortable around animals and the friendlier monster creatures, dressing in such a way for others to see just felt embarrassing.

"Of course you do! When arent you beautiful?" She compliments X while tilting her head.

"When I wake up in the morning hahaha. I've frightened myself from what I've seen in the mirror a few times." X jokes.

X hands Cirina an outfit similar but different. A halter top and bottom with a light open shirt to match, and a flowy see through skirt. Cirina freezes from the thought of wearing it all. But is egged on by X to at least try them on. She comes out donning the attire and X'tolzia just gets giddy with excitement.

"Do...do I look ok?" Cirina nervously asks.

"Do you look ok? You look astonishing! Just so dang cute." X responds.

"Ok, lets pay for these and get goin sis." She says.

Cirina is still nervous but with X around she feels more at ease at least. They wander the beach til they find a nice spot to sit and relax. X'tolzia sets up the beach blankets and umbrella she also bought from the shop, so they may lay down without fear of burning.

A short while later, Cirina heads to the water to let her feet get soaked by the cooling, crystal clear ocean water. Gazing out in awe of her beauty. She can see all the fish, the coral, everything. She is captivated in pure bliss with these sights, all new to her in everyway.

Not even moments later she feels a slight brush against her butt, a hand!? She jumps completely startled, turns around, and puts her arms up in defense.

"Hey there cutie, what are you up to?"

A Miqo'te with long light blonde hair, chiseled abs, somewhat beefy arms, and orange swim trunks is standing there. He also bears a small scar above his left eye.

"W-why would you do that!? Thats creepy."

"Sorry babe, I couldnt help myself. I saw you and your friend in the shop earlier and wanted to....get to know you." He says while lifting a hand to caress her face.

X hears the commotion and catches him attempting to touch Cirina. Jumping to her feet, marching over there.

Cirina smacks his hand away, now angry he would assume she would want him to do that.

"I, dont know who you are, but you should leave. If my sister, the person you saw me with, saw tha-" Cirina is cut off.

"Oooo sisters you say, well I have some experience dealing with sisters." He brags while smiling still.

"CIRINA!!" X yells.

Both the Miqo'te and Cirina turn to see X on a warpath. Heading straight for the Miqo'te creep.

"And you must be this lovely lady's sister, my name is R'ago. Pleasure to m-" He lifts his hand to greet X.

Cirina looks away as X gets close, knowing what's about to happen. As R'ago extends his arm, X grabs it, pulls him in, and proceeds to gut check him. Leaving him reeling on his knees.

"Who....The hell...Do you think you are....Trying to touch my sister like that!!" She demands.

As he gets back to his feet, he attempts to defuse the situation.

"Are you...ung..crazy!? I was just, talking with her. Thats all." He lies watching, X'tolzia's reaction. Hoping she'd buy it, she doesn't.

She sweep kicks him, his lies making her angrier. X isn't very approachable when she's genuinely pissed.

"LIAR! Cirina, what happened?" She asks Cirina.

"Well this all started cuz he saw us in the shop buying swimsuits, and he followed us just to talk to me.....Just so...creepy" She pauses "And, then he....swiped his hand...along my..butt."

You could hear the sound of a snap from X'tolzia's facial expression, the breaking of string, the shattering of glass. R'ago now terrified by X's aura, watching her slowly turn toward him, fury in her eyes. He swiftly gets back up scared shitless begging for forgiveness. X looks at him, and extends her hand. He foolishly accepts thinking everything will be ok, as she screams to him.

"Filthy scum!!"

Delivering a hook punch so hard he spins in the air, only to have a second blow delivered to his his straight downward. Burying him in the sand where he once stood confident, now half buried to his waste in agonizing pain and shame. X'tolzia grabs Cirina by the hand and they head back to their spot, hoping to enjoy the rest of the day there.

R'ago comes to and gets himself out of the sand, looking around to see its hours later and spotting Cirina building sand castles and X laying down on her belly. As soon as he looks at X she snaps her attention to him, her eyes piercing through the sunglasses sends chills down his spine, and he bolts from the area not wanting to get humiliated again.

"Ha. Look at him run." She smiles

"You always go overboard sis, I know its because you're overprotective but still." Cirina sighs.

"Hey, if he didn't want that to happen, he shouldn't have been such a creep." X states.

"I could have handled myself, you know that." Cirina states

"Yeah yeah, I know Cirina. Can't help it sometimes." X explains.

Cirina focuses back on her sand castle building. She is the. Approached by a tall Elezan woman with a beach ball. She has a short braided ponytail and lavender colored hair with fair features.

"Hey you two, would you like to join my friends and I for some volley ball?" She asks.

The girls both agree with a simple sure. They spent the day with this Elezan and her friends playing volleyball and enjoying the rest of the day together. X, Cirina, and the Elezan woman parted from the main group as they all decided to leave as it was getting dark amd X wanted to see Llod before she went to bed. The Elezen had taken quite an interest in Cirina and shared her name after some time, forgetting she never mentioned it.

"Oh my Lord, my manners are all sorts of scrambled today. My name is Isselia, sorry for not mentioning earlier and looking like a weirdo hmhm." She embarrassingly said.

"Oh no worries, we had a blast today! Right sis?" X reassured.

"Mhmm, a great way to shift our moods from an earlier altercation we had with a creepo." Cirina explained.

The sisters shared the story and had some laughs with their new friend Isselia telling stories. Before they parted with Isselia, she gave Cirina a little note. A message was written inside, If you and X'tolzia ever wanna hang out again, just come find me in Limsa. Cirina nodded.

"We will Isselia, count on it." She said.

Isselia gave her a wink and was on her way. Leaving Cirina a bit confused and blushing a bit, wondering why she'd wink at her. But her sister calling her name brought her back to focus, and they boarded the airship back to Ul'Dah.

Meanwhile...

Llod is currently resting, in a deep slumber. His eyes open, he is nowhere. Voices are ringing, unintelligable. Whispers unnerving, constant and voracious. He shouts. They stop, suddenly a figure appears in a long black robe with peculiar markings. Whoever they are, they don't look at him, tilting their head. Confused.

"You're the potential nuisance my brothers and sisters are worried of? How quaint, I see no threat. But you are amassing a reputation that if left...unchecked..." They question, state. And fall off.

"Hmm, who's to say. Maybe I should take care of you now."

Llod is frozen, unable to move. The figure conjures another form up nearby, and it's...X'tolzia!?

"This woman means quite a lot to you...doesn't she?"

Llod grits his teeth in anger, suspecting their intentions are to hurt X.

"I wonder how you'd react if she were to..."

They stop, watching for his reaction. Getting a kick out of him.

"Hahahaha! Oh you are entertaining at least. A threat no, but enjoyable. I'll keep you around boy, see what you're capable of." They explain.

And with a snap of his fingers overhead, he's gone, the conjured figure of X now a puff of smoke, and he wakes up. Sweating, shivering. Just then, the knob turns and the door opens. As X and Cirina walk in with Jaynee to check on him.

[greysfanpage388]

Amnesia part 4

Hey guys- at long last, here’s the latest chapter of ‘Amnesia’. Sorry for not updating earlier - things got in the way- work, and I had to attend a course during the weekend. But now it’s finally up! Thank you all for your patience and support for this story!

Special thanks to @jia911 for helping to proofread and give feedback and @francescabuccino for helping to give feedback as well!  You girls are the best  <3

Special thanks to @filterlessmia and @fight-till-u-cant-fight-anymore for giving me feedback for the idea I have about this story’s direction. You guys rock too! <3

Here are the links to the previous parts in this series:

http://ailingnoor.tumblr.com/post/162816736156/amnesia-part-1

http://ailingnoor.tumblr.com/post/162967866251/amnesia-part-2

http://ailingnoor.tumblr.com/post/163430940186/amnesia-part-3 

Amelia stared at the baby lying in her incubator as the baby stared back at her with her blue eyes. Was this really her baby? She did indeed look like her. But weirdly, she didn’t feel any connection towards the baby. She didn’t feel the special bond that mothers feel whenever they see their babies for the first time. She felt like she was looking at someone else’s baby.

She blinked back tears in her eyes as she turned her head away from the incubator.

‘ Please take her out of here.’ she ordered in a cold tone.

Upon seeing his wife’s reaction, Owen’s heart sank once again.

Alex and Owen exchanged glances as Owen shook his head sadly. Nope, the plan didn’t work out.

An hour earlier, he had met Alex in the NICU, and Alex had asked him whether Amelia would like to meet their baby. Owen had accepted, thinking that once Amelia saw their baby, her heart would warm up towards the baby, and maybe looking at the baby would enable her to recall her pregnancy.

But alas, that didn’t go as planned. It saddened him to see her cold reaction towards their own baby, their own flesh and blood. It broke his heart to see her unable to bond with their child. Watching her interact with the Shepherd children and noticing how great she was with them, he knew that she would be a wonderful mother to their baby and any future children they might have. But now, that illusion was gone. Amelia didn’t even acknowledge their baby, and even though he knew and fully understood that it was because she couldn’t even remember carrying the baby and thus couldn’t feel a connection with the baby, he would be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt. He had always looked forward to them being parents together, bringing their children to games, parks and family outings. But now- he wondered how was he going to bring their daughter up alone should Amelia never recover.

‘ Alright, you can take the baby out of here.’ Owen ordered Alex with a sad tone in his voice.

‘ Do let me know if you both need anything ok? I can bring your daughter over whenever Shepherd is ready to see her.’ Alex whispered as he placed a comforting hand on Owen’s shoulder.

‘ Thanks Karev, I really appreciate it.’ Owen said in a dejected tone.

‘ She’ll come around. She just needs time to heal.’ Alex said comfortingly.

‘ Alright come on little one, lets bring you back up to the NICU.’ he spoke to the baby in a voice he reserved for babies as he wheeled the incubator out of the room.

Alex left with the incubator, leaving Owen and Amelia alone in the room. A tense silence filled the room. Amelia’s back was still facing the wall. He could hear her sniffling.

‘ Amelia.’ Owen called out softly, tapping her arm gently. ‘ Amelia, look at me.’

She finally turned to look at him with watery eyes.

‘ Don’t.’ she said, a bitter tone in her voice.

‘ Don’t what?’ Owen was confused.

‘ Don’t tell me how I’m such a horrible mother and cold-hearted person for not wanting to be with my baby.’ she said, her voice shaking.

‘ Amelia, I never said so.’ Owen answered earnestly. ‘ You are not a bad mother. Maybe you’re not ready to meet her yet.’

Amelia shook her head as she finally looked up at Owen. Her tear filled eyes met his sad blue ones.

‘ I felt nothing, Owen, when I looked at her. Looking at the baby didn’t stir a single bit of emotion or warmth in me. I don’t feel a connection at all with her. I felt like I was looking at a stranger’s baby. I just couldn’t bear to look at her, because it breaks my heart that I can’t give her the love she needs.’ she said as a stray tear rolled down her cheeks.

Feeling his heart break for Amelia and their baby, Owen took her hands in his.

‘ Amelia, it’s ok.’ he comforted her.. ‘You had forgotten about your pregnancy with her and therefore couldn’t feel the bond with her. It takes time. It’s ok. Just give yourself some time.’

‘ But what if I never recover my memory and never feel a connection towards her?’ Amelia asked as she looked up at Owen. ‘ My first baby had no brain. Jake told me that it wasn’t my fault, but somehow I couldn’t stop blaming myself. And now this baby- I can’t love this baby. What kind of mother does this make me?’

‘ Jake is right- it isn’t your fault.’ Owen reinforced.. ‘And this baby, this baby is perfect too and in time you’ll grow to love her.’

‘ Grow to love her?’ Amelia asked, as she looked up at him with a confused expression.

‘ Yes, you can grow to love her, like you love an adopted child.’ said Owen rationally. ‘ You do not need to carry a child to love them.’

‘ But it’s not the same!’ Amelia emphasized, feeling rather taken aback by Owen’s suggestion.  ‘ I can’t bear to look at her knowing that she’s my own child whom I carried in my body for so many months but can’t feel a connection to. I can’t fall in love with her!’

Tears now rolled down her cheeks as she sobbed, repeating ‘ I can’t’ over and over again.

Owen pulled her in for a big hug, one hand stroking her hair, and another hand rubbing her back soothingly as he whispered ‘ it’s ok.’ over and over again in her ears. This gesture of his used to calm her down. He hoped that she would subconsciously remember that.

The sobs gradually ceased into sniffles until Amelia fell asleep in his arms.

He gently and slowly placed her back on the bed and pulled the blankets over her, watching her sleep peacefully. She looked so innocent, like a child when she slept, and he really wished he could protect her from the cruel fate that the universe had dealt her.

Checking that she was fast asleep, he quietly left the room and told the nurse in charge to call him immediately when Amelia woke up from her sleep.

__________________________________________________________________

‘ Edwards, is there anything more that we can do to help Shepherd?’ Owen asked sighing as he approached Stephanie who was sitting in the scan room studying the scans of another patient.

‘ I’m sorry, Dr. Hunt, but we’ve done all we can. Nelson and I have evacuated all the blood clots from her brain, and her post op CT and MRI scans were clear.’

‘ I know.’ Owen nodded solemnly. ‘ It just breaks my heart to see her like this.’ he admitted sadly as he took a seat next to Stephanie.

Stephanie paused the scans and turned to give him her full attention as he continued.

‘I know that it takes time for her to regain  her memory and I should be patient, but deep down inside I do worry- what if she never gets her memory back? Will she forget everything that we had? Will she forget ever falling in love with me?’ he asked, his voice full of angst.

‘ I wish I can say something to comfort you, Dr. Hunt, but I’m afraid I would be lying if I do so. The recovery process from amnesia is unpredictable- some of our amnesic patients make full recovery over time, while others never regain back their memory. So I can’t give you a guarantee.’ Stephanie answered honestly. This was a trait about Stephanie which Owen liked, she was always upfront and honest with others.

‘ I wish we could do something to help her.’ Owen said in a melancholic tone. ‘ She has become like a stranger- an entirely different person. She perceives me as just a colleague, she has totally forgotten how we fell in love with each other. She’s not the Amelia I know and love, I want my Amelia back. I miss her so much.’

‘I miss her too.’ Stephanie said earnestly. ‘She couldn’t recognize me when I went to check on her just now. It’s just so sad. She’s my favorite mentor .’ she added in crestfallen tone.

Amelia was her favorite mentor and she really respected and adored her. Now that Amelia couldn’t recognize her anymore, she really missed all the favors she gained from being Amelia’s favorite resident, such as scrubbing in on her coolest surgeries.

‘ So there’s nothing we can do except wait?’ Owen asked, a forlorn expression on his face.

‘ Yes, we wait.’ Stephanie replied in a downcast tone of voice.

‘ For how long?’ Owen wondered out loud, looking up at the white hospital ceiling

‘ I don’t know, I really don’t. No one has definite answers.’ Stephanie answered softly.

‘ You know- just now before I came here, I was in her room by her bedside. Karev entered the room bringing our baby in the incubator. She refused to look at the baby, Edwards. She turned her head away and instructed the nurse to take the baby out of the room. It was so heartbreaking to watch.’ Owen admitted, shaking his head with a crestfallen expression.

‘ You need to give her time, Dr. Hunt. She has yet to bond with the baby.’ Stephanie said rationally.

‘ I know, but I’m still afraid, Edwards. What if she never regains her memory? Will she never get to bond with our baby?’ Owen asked as he swung his chair around absentmindedly. ‘ She asked me that same question too just now, and I didn’t know how to answer her. I told her that she could still grow to love our baby, like loving an adopted child. The answer didn’t bode well with her though. I really don’t know what to say or do.’ he sighed, feeling helpless again.

‘Well, we give her time. If she still doesn’t recover after one week, we’ll get further help for her. ‘Stephanie answered.

‘Further help? What further help? ‘Owen asked intrigued.

‘ Well- the only thing we can do now is enlist her for cognitive therapy and occupational therapy. And give her some nutritional supplements to improve her memory. That’s the only thing we can do right now to help.’ Stephanie suggested.

‘ Well, just do whatever you can to bring Amelia back to me.’ said Owen, a desperate tone in his voice.

‘ Ok, I’ll try my very best, Dr. Hunt.’ Stephanie said earnestly.  ‘I’ll bring Dr. Raj, and we’ll work a plan out.’

Dr. Raj Sen was the hospital’s most famous psychiatrist, and he was well known for his professional bedside manners and his ease in dealing with his patients.

‘ Thank you, Edwards.’ Owen gave her a small appreciative smile.

__________________________________________________________________

One week later

 ‘ I know how it works ‘Amelia interrupted Dr Raj impatiently as he sat by her bedside and explained every single detail about the cognitive and occupational therapy which she would be starting under his supervision.  ‘I’ve referred patients for this therapy before, I know exactly what it’s about.’

A week had passed by since Owen’s discussion with Stephanie , and Amelia still showed no signs of regaining her memory. Owen stayed by her side every day, leaving her room only to take a new change of clothes, get some food from the cafeteria, or to visit their baby in the NICU. Their baby was doing well and according to Alex could be discharged from the NICU in a week’s time if she continued gaining weight. He decided to defer bringing their baby to visit Amelia again, until she was emotionally ready to meet her.

‘Ok, that’s good. ‘Dr. Raj nodded his head.  ‘I just wanted to make sure you know what to expect before we start your therapy. I don’t want my patients to be taken by surprise.’

‘Yes I do. Just get me an appointment as soon as possible. I would do anything to regain my memory. ‘Amelia said earnestly.

‘I admire your enthusiasm, Shepherd. ‘Dr. Raj said chuckling as he entered her appointment into his Ipad. ‘If only all my patients are like that, it would make my life so much easier.’

‘Well, I really want to get better.‘Amelia admitted as she stole a glance at Owen.

He was sitting quietly by her bedside, just absorbing every word Dr. Raj had said and not interrupting the conversation.

Owen’s heart leapt as she placed a hand gently over his.

‘I am doing this.For you and our daughter. ‘she said softly but firmly. ‘I can’t remember what it is we had, but it must be special and I want it back.’

‘Amelia. ‘he whispered as their eyes met. His wife was amazing. Even though she didn’t have any recollection of them both being together, she was willing to do anything to bring those memories back and that made him love her even more.

‘Let’s do this. ‘Amelia said with full conviction, giving Owen and Dr. Raj a dimpled smile. Owen squeezed her shoulder affectionately as a gesture of support.  ‘ I mean, there’s nothing to lose right? The best scenario is I regain back my memory. Worst case scenario is I remain the same as now.’

‘ Alright Dr. Shepherd, let me remind you that this therapy requires a lot of effort and commitment. There will be frustrating times, and times when you feel like you want to give up, but you must persevere through this. It isn’t going to be an easy task.’ ‘ Dr. Raj warned.

‘I know, I’m fully aware of that. And I’m willing to go through all of that if it means getting my memory back. ‘Amelia said firmly.

 ‘Alright, your first appointment is tomorrow morning. ‘Dr. Raj confirmed.

‘I’m stoked. ‘Amelia replied with enthusiasm.

As soon as Dr. Raj walked out of the room, Owen took Amelia’s hands as their eyes met.

‘Thank you. ‘he whispered gratefully.  ‘Thank you so much for doing this for me and for our daughter. Thank you so much for doing this for us.’

‘I would do anything to regain my memory back. ‘Amelia repeated.  ‘Do you know how frustrating it is to not be able to recall a single thing about the past few years?’

‘I know. I know how badly you want to regain your memory. I wish that too. I would be with you every step of the way. ‘Owen promised as they exchanged a smile.

__________________________________________________________________

Three weeks later

Three weeks had passed since Amelia started her cognitive and occupational therapy and she still wasn’t showing any signs of regaining back her memory.

Although physically, she was stable and healing well, emotionally, she wasn’t.

She still remembered Owen as her colleague and try as she might, she still had no recollection of what they shared together.

She still missed Derek so much and losing him was like a fresh wound. At nights when Owen was fast asleep or at work, she would silently weep and grieve over her decreased brother. He was the only family member who was there for her, supported her and accepted her for who she was. Even Meredith and Maggie who dropped by to visit her daily couldn’t fill the void he left.

She worked hard in every single therapy session, following the therapist’s orders and pushing herself to her limits. She took her brain stimulating supplements daily without fail.

Owen was her rock and support throughout. He slept in her room and stayed by her bedside when he wasn’t working. He brought her outside food as she complained of the hospital food being bland.

He followed her to every therapy session without fail, making sure that the sessions didn’t clash with his shifts in the ER, as he didn’t want to miss a single session. When Amelia had a particularly demanding session in therapy, he would comfort her as he rubbed her shoulders soothingly, repeating to her over and over again that she was making great progress and to not give up hope.

There were times when he himself wondered whether she would ever regain her memory, but he pushed the thought to the back of his mind. He wasn’t going to accept defeat that easily. He was going to do all he could to support her all the way through, with the hope that her memory would return one day. Even if it didn’t, he would remind her of the memories they shared together and make her fall in love with him again.

Meanwhile, he went to the Paeds floor to check on their baby daily. The baby was thriving, and finally gained enough weight to be discharged from the NICU to the nursery. According to Alex, she could be discharged from the nursery in a couple of week’s time. Owen knew that time was running short for them, and whether or not she had bonded with the baby, Amelia had to take care of the baby together with him. He couldn’t do this alone.

They had brought the baby up to Amelia for feeding several times. She dutifully held the baby in her arms as she breastfed. She stared down at the baby each time, admiring how much the baby looked like her and trying to feel a connection towards the baby. Unfortunately, she still couldn’t remember carrying the baby and still couldn’t feel a connection towards her.

However, seeing babies always cheered her up and she did enjoy holding the baby in her arms during each visit.

She had even named the baby Charlotte Addison, after her two best friends in LA. They were both shocked and devastated when they first learnt about her accident, but so glad that both mother and baby pulled through. They called her regularly, checking up on her. They both offered to fly to Seattle to visit her and the baby, but she declined, not wanting them to see her in this vulnerable state. Each time, she made the excuse that they could visit her and her baby when she was better.

They showed more concern about her than her family members who refused to visit even after Owen called them. It made Owen so sad, but he kept quiet about it, not wanting to upset her even more.

Amelia’s vitals were also stable enough, and both Nelson and Arizona have announced that she could be discharged from the hospital the following week if her vitals remain stable and her surgical wounds remained clean. She was not able to return to work yet for another month, so she would spend the next month recuperating at home.

__________________________________________________________________

Upon returning to her hospital room after one particularly demanding session, Amelia huffed as she sat down on her bed, burying her head in her hands. They had spent the last few sessions showing her photos of her and Owen together and obviously being in love with each other, but it didn’t help.

‘I’m tired of this, Owen. ‘she admitted, shaking her head in defeat.  ‘No matter how hard I try, the memories still don’t return to me. I follow all the protocols, I turn up and work hard in every session. Why can’t I remember anything still? Why is this so?!’

‘I don’t know, Amelia. ‘ Owen answered honestly.  ‘I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I do know though that you’re trying your very best. You can do this. I have full faith in you.’

‘But it has already been 3 weeks since I started therapy. Usually most people regain their memory after a couple of weeks. ‘Amelia argued.

‘Amelia, be patient. Remember what Dr. Raj said this morning? Some people might take even months to regain back their memories. You have only started therapy for 3 weeks. ‘ Owen reasoned rationally.

‘I can’t do this anymore. ‘Amelia shook her head, a downcast expression on her face.  ‘I can’t. This whole therapy thing is pointless. I’m not making any progress at all!’

‘You are making progress, Amelia. You did well today. Don’t be so hard on your self and push yourself too hard. ‘ said Owen softly as he took her hands in his and looked at her in the eye.

Amelia could feel the tears pooling in her eyes again at Owen’s words and honest expression. He was being too nice to her and it made her feel ever more guilty and horrible about not being able to reciprocate his love for her.

‘But I’m not making any progress at all.  ‘she admitted sadly.  ‘I feel like I’m failing both of us and our daughter. Why do I always screw up every single thing in my life?! I guess my family members are right, I can never succeed in anything I do. I’m forever the black sheep of the family.‘

Owen could feel his blood boil at her admission, but he remained silent for fear of upsetting her even further. From the little he knew about her family, he realized that they weren’t supportive at all. He knew that Amelia deserved better than that.

‘I miss Derek. ‘Amelia lamented with a melancholic tone in her voice. ‘He’s the only one in the family who believes in me. Not even Meredith or Maggie can replace him.’

Owen contemplated reminding her about how Derek was jealous of her being the Head of Neurosurgery and had tried to get the position back, but he didn’t want to trigger unpleasant memories in her about her brother.

‘I miss him too.‘he agreed instead. It was the truth after all, Derek had been his good friend.  ‘He was a great colleague and friend.’

‘And he was an amazing brother. I only have one brother to choose from but he’s the best brother ever. ‘ said Amelia, smiling up at the ceiling, recalling her fond childhood memories with Derek, tagging along behind him to play with his friends.

‘ He would have been a great uncle to our baby. ‘ Owen pointed out, cautiously watching for her reaction. ‘ They would’ve adored each other.’

‘He would’ve been a great uncle. But I can’t be a great mother. ‘she admitted, shaking her head.

‘ Don’t say that, Amelia, please. ‘ ‘Owen pleaded.  ‘You’re already a great mother to our daughter.’

‘But I feel like I’m not. I feel like I fail at everything in life. ‘she shook her head vigorously.

 ‘Amelia, stop saying that! ‘ Owen repeated, this time in a louder tone.  ‘Please. You’re not doing yourself any favors by saying that.’

‘ But it’s true! ‘she retorted.

‘ Well, if you believe that it’s true then it is!  ‘Owen retorted back, the fatigue and stress of taking care of Amelia and their baby for the past month taking its toll on him.

His sudden outburst shocked Amelia as she stared at him for a long time before tears started rolling down her cheeks again. It was another reason why she hated herself, she didn’t recall being such an emotional person and yet she cried so easily lately.

‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Owen. I just realized that you’re going through a lot too. ‘ she whispered, the feeling of guilt overtaking her. He had been by her side throughout the whole ordeal, always supporting and comforting her and attending every single therapy session with her. He even dealt patiently with her sudden outbursts whenever the therapy sessions didn’t go as planned. Now she realized that he was human too and might have reached his breaking point.

Owen immediately felt guilty for yelling at her.

‘I’m sorry too, I’m frustrated too. I’m tired and I haven’t had a good nights rest in ages. ‘he admitted as he took her hands in his.

‘ We’ll get through this, ok? We’ll get through this. ‘he whispered in her ear, as he pulled her in for a tight hug and stroked her hair soothingly. Amelia’s tears of anger and frustration rolled down her cheeks and wet the sleeve of his shirt, but he didn’t care.

‘I’ll go and get our daughter, ok? Maybe holding her can cheer you up a little. ‘Owen offered as he gently released the hug.

Amelia nodded wordlessly, sniffling.

‘Alright I’ll go and get her. ‘said Owen softly. He knew that the previous times he brought the baby into the room, Amelia still didn’t feel a connection towards the baby, and he didn’t expect this time to be any different. But he knew that it was good to have Amelia hold the baby in her arms and feed her.

__________________________________________________________________

 ‘Amelia, look who is here to see you. ‘ Owen said softly a few moments later as he wheeled the baby bassinet to her bedside.

Amelia forced a smile as he transferred baby Charlotte gently into her arms and held her close.

The baby looked up at her as their identical blue eyes met.

Amelia thought she felt a sparkle of warmth radiating from inside her at that moment, which had never happened before, but she shrugged it off, not wanting to get her hopes up.

By reflex, Charlotte immediately started searching for her mother’s breast and latching on it.

Owen looked at his wife and daughter, savoring this precious family moment. For a moment, it seemed like they were a regular family- father, mother and child. For a brief moment, he allowed himself to enjoy his family and not dwell on their actual circumstances. It was a beautiful sight and feeling indeed.

Amelia looked down at Charlotte again as the baby continued feeding contentedly.

The room was silent as both of them looked at their daughter.

Owen stroked Charlotte’s head gently, full of love.

 ‘She’s so perfect. ‘he whispered.  ‘I remember always feeling her kick in your belly. I couldn’t wait to meet her and now that she’s here, she’s just perfect. Look at her dimple, she inherited it from you.’

Amelia was still looking down at Charlotte with a blank expression on her face. Her lack of reaction at his words scared him, and for a moment, he was afraid that he had said too much.

At that moment, a brief flash of memory played in her head.

[flashback]

‘Hey- I smell pancakes for breakfast. ‘ Owen said as he pecked a kiss on the top of her head which rested comfortably on his chest. They swayed to the music for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence. Owen’s right hand moved to her rounded belly where it stayed for several seconds.

His eyes widened with delight as he looked at her in amazement.

‘You feel her kick? ‘she asked.  

‘Yes, she kicked! ‘he grinned widely.

‘Com, on baby girl, kick for daddy some more. I want to feel you. ‘he pleaded, placing his hand on her belly again.

‘I think she’s hungry. She smells pancakes too.. ‘she interrupted his moment of bliss.

He pouted adorably as he claimed that he wanted to bond with their daughter, and she laughed in reply, reminding him that he had her entire lifetime to bond with her.

After breakfast, the rain was still pouring, and Owen hugged her tight, reminding her to drive carefully.

‘ I love you. ‘he whispered to her ear. ‘I love you too. ‘he whispered to her belly.

She laughed and asked him why was he acting like they were going somewhere far when they would be seeing each other in the hospital in an hour’s time.

He replied that he couldn’t bear to be separated from them both for even an hour, and she assured him that he would being seeing them both soon.

The events after that were a blur, but she recalled seeing his text message telling her to drive carefully and that he would see her soon before her world turned black.

[ /end flashback]

‘Owen ‘ she whispered as a smile formed on her face. It was the first time since the accident that she genuinely smiled.

‘Yes? ‘Owen shifted his attention from his daughter to his wife, his heart warming at the dimpled smile on her face. Oh how he missed her smile!

‘ I think I remember what happened the morning of the accident. You wanted to continue feeling our baby kick but I interrupted you saying that she’s hungry. You then pouted and said that you wanted to bond with her. I replied that you had an entire lifetime to do so. ‘she said, an excited tone in her voice.

Owen nodded, his heart leaping for joy, but he knew he had to contain his excitement first as he didn’t want to get his hopes up too high.

‘ Yes, that was exactly what happened in the morning of the accident. ‘he confirmed softly.  ‘Do you remember anything else about that morning?’

‘ Yes, I remember that it was still pouring and you hugged me tight and reminded me to drive carefully. You told me and Charlotte that you loved us. I remember telling you that we were going to see you soon, in an hour’s time.’

‘Yes, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad was going to happen, but I couldn’t point out what it was. ‘ Owen admitted.  ‘Had I known back then, I wouldn’t have let you drive alone. ‘he shook his head sadly. He had been blaming himself all the while for the accident, telling himself that him allowing her to drive alone that day was the cause of the accident.

‘No, Owen, it wasn’t your fault. ‘ Amelia said softly, taking his hand in hers, as she supported Charlotte with her right hand.  ‘You wouldn’t have known.’

‘I know, but I can’t stop blaming myself ‘he said ruefully.

‘Stop it. ‘she said, bringing her left hand to his face and cupping it. Meanwhile, Charlotte stopped latching on her nipple and let out a yawn.

 ‘We’re ok now, all 3 of us. I can remember what happened in the morning of the accident, and in time I’ll regain back my other memories. We’ll be fine.’ she assured him as she burped Charlotte.

‘Yes, we will. ‘Owen smiled as he pulled both his wife and daughter in for a tight hug.

For the first time since the fateful day of the accident, he was finally assured that they were indeed going to be fine.

 Alright guys - this is the end of this chapter- I hope you enjoyed it! As usual- comments, reblogs, reviews and messages are very welcome and very much appreciated!1 <3 <3  I would love to know what you guys think!!

Also, I’m planning to bring you all slowly down memory lane- refreshing back your memories of Omelia’s greatest moments on the show. Do let me know if you would love that- a trip down memory lane as Amelia gradually rediscovers her love for Owen and their daughter :)

[lesbianyennefer]

ok ive finished andromeda and so im gunna collate my final gathered thoughts below:

All in all its been a good game but for the first time in my life in not just a mass effect but a bioware game i dont LOVE it i cant even say i think its very good - ive even been edging on outright disinterest and boredom at various points throughout. bioware games for all their faults have always made me get fully into their stories get completely immersed in the world and in mass effects case in their characters too. but andromeda is the first time ever that i find myself saying if someone asked me how good it was i would say meh. if someone asked me how the latest installment in my favourite thing to exist on this planet was i would say meh. as someone who for whom the original trilogy is genuinely my favourite thing in existence there arent words for how much it upsets me. im not even like ‘i wanna play again!!!’ like i usually am because im usually still so immersed in the world. here are some thoughts and delving deeper into the things that stood out to me:

- the writing: its poor. there have been a few funny moments and lines and most of the main quest dialogue lines are good but compared to what we are used to from mass efefct it PALES. only one moment of real enjoyment stands out to me in the entire game and that was the movie night one - of the only moments in the game I got happy about like the original trilogy. the writing for dialogue not just with npcs but with companions is often clunky, nonsensical, boring and adds nothing to furthering knowledge/relationships. i honestly couldnt tell you a lot about many of them because the conversations didnt pertain to actually getting to know them. it says in the codex that they all consider me close friends but its never been mentioned that they even considered me one nor can i recall when the friendship actually got going or how we reached the ‘close’ part. similarily a lot of criticism from critics was about the base elements being rehashed from the original and its true. so much has just been copy pasted from the ot in a way that actually makes this version less interesting. the big ‘reveals’ in the story are also so badly done that when jaal mentioned the angara were made by the jaardun is it? i didnt have a wow moment like mass effect has given me in the past i was so confused by everything going on i was just like what? nobody seemed to make a big deal out if either considering an entire race just found out they were genetically engineered. the only real ‘wow’ moment i had in the game was finding out ellen ryder was still alive and jien garson was murdered and even then you cant tell anyone and its pretty much forgotten!! ryder knows that jien was murdered by possibly this benefactor who seems to have ulterior motives for all of them and she also knows the reapers invaded and as far as shes aware eradicated the entire milky way. maybe thats something that should be shared with leadership hmm? (as much as i hate tann)  

- the plot: touching on the last the plot was, to me, nothing to write home about. ive always enjoyed that mass effect has a linear storyline that you get stuck into and follow through at a good pace. now i know they said andromeda was going to be more exploration based game - which i would normally like! - but not when the exploration has almost nothing to do with the main story and is so fucking much that you could play for 3 days 12 hours a day and not get to the next bit of the main storyline!! when you space it out too much the audience - or i - loses all connection with the sporadic main plot and what we are actually supposed to be doing so much so that by the time you go to play the next segment you dont even really know why youre there or whats going on. similarly the plot never made me go :O which the ot did a lot. an example ive mentioned before is that seeing the citadel always makes me go ahhh!!! the nexus by comparison is pretty boring. despite its flaws i love the storyline surrounding the reapers and it always gets me each time i play. sitting her writing this if you asked me to detail the main plot of andromeda i honestly couldnt. i cant remember what i did or in which order. theres no substance or linearity.  

- the exploration: i again cant believe im saying this but swtor a mmo game from 2011 has more interesting open worlds with more MANAGEABLE and relevant side quests than andromeda. they might be beautiful but none of the worlds stood out to me - though i loved elaaden and the downed remenant ship star wars reference. i dont mind doing a few bland side quests but when there in the 50s and they lead you on goose chases across entire planets i begin to get agitated. i cant recall the amount of times i had to go back to planets like kadara for one 5 minute firefight and a couple of lines of dialogue. going through the galaxy map animations, the landing animations, the lift down to the slums then crossing the threshold to actually reach the map to THEN find your destination? yeah im pretty done by then.    

- side quests: tying into the above side quests! bioware hinted theyd learned a lesson from dai and taken inspiration from the witcher 3 for their approach to side quests and they appear to have done neither. there are MORE side quests than there were in dai and i actually didnt mind dais but andromedas have become an issue for me - probably because there were so godamn many. they dont have any baring on the story and they are bland and uninteresting mostly fetch quests. i hate bringing the witcher into this because i dont like giving praise to cd projekt red but the truth is bioware could stand to ACTUALLY learn from the witcher 3. the side quests in that are small in number, long in plot and actually connected to the main story. they dont make you feel like youre straying from the plot, their content is deep and very good and they quite often have major consequences. see triss’ quests in novigrad.  one thing i will say is they did seem to take a little of the last into andromeda. some choices have consequences ie saving the salarians over the krogan. that was pretty cool but still underdeveloped. 

- the relationships: by the end of the story i  can say I love all my squadmates despite the fact that i feel like i barely got the chance to know them (the only one il say i dont know at all well enough to love em is gil who has no content aside from the incredibly uncomfortable jill storyline and i wonder why hes the negelected one hmm?). i loved how they moved around and talked to each other but the amount of times i went round to see them and they had nothing to say was a LOT compared to the fact that in me3 everytime you went to see someone they had something (or multiple somethings) to say often without having to enter into a cutscene style animation just to see if they actually want to talk. in terms of romantic relationships ( i romanced peebee) i was disappointed by how little your romanced companion interjects on the story. at least in peebees case there was very little content and she seemed hardly bothered when my ryder got injected then killed herself and then died AGAIN to save them aside from a little snarky “hands off” comment when the archon grabbed her face. she mentioned a little bit back on the ship but compared to me3 and how liara/garrus/ash/kaidan would interject a lot on mission and have hints to their romance sprinkled throughout it felt like another forgotten thing. not one person on the ship mentioned me and peebee aside from a quick thing from sam when i went to see him in my cabin. also jazzed up sex scenes dont mean anything if the rest of the relationship is bland and overlooked. i prefer liara and sheps me3 scene 10x over peebees (my little gay heart still cries). 

- the music: WHERE WAS THE MUSIC??!?! one of my favourite things about games FULLSTOP and the cherry on top of mass effect has always been the music. to this day i love the atmosphere that noveria creates and vigil makes me fucking cry. the suicide mission gets me pumped and leaving earth leaves a gaping hole in my chest. (diverting a bit even dai had fantastic music. in hushed whispers, the lost temple and thedas love theme are among my faves.) aside from the heleus galaxy map music and the ambient from that one destroyed planet i cant recall a single piece of music that stood out. i can remember about 3 tunes overall the map, the main menu and the one that plays a lot when you fight kett. there wasnt even any proper ambient music for the worlds!!!!! there arent words for how upset i am that theres no fucking mission themed bangers. im just really sad about this.       

i think at the end of the day a big reason for me why i havent loved it is because as ive said before it doesnt feel like mass effect to me. to a pretty great extent i think the reason for this is the decision to move to the Andromeda galaxy. the absence of shep and the crew and the normandy is another huge factor but rather unavoidable in terms of continuing the games, but moving to andromeda has robbed the series of everything that made it mass effect. the mass relays, the citadel, the council, the alliance, earth, thessia, palaven they all made mass effect mass effect. Not to mention the quarians (one of my fave races ever), the drell, the volus, hanar, batarians, vorcha they were all a part of what mass effect IS. even the architectural style of the colonies, the nexus its all different and it doesnt have any connection to the ot and the world it created. andromeda feels like its own game completely unrelated to mass effect and one that when considered on its own has an incredibly shaky foundation and sporadic storytelling. at the end of the day it was fun to pass the time but as a huge mass effect fan i feel it was incredibly disappointing and to be quite honest i dont consider it a part of the mass effect i love.   

[clementinechorrillo]

part ----

The two of them took me to a few more pit stops around the city. One café, where we met some artists, baristas, musicians. Along the white walls, some colorful drawings. Maybe it was her exhibition, or her friends. There was some talk of perhaps seeing life of brian in russian, or was it meaning of life, or some other monty python, at the communist center. I did not get it if they were serious or ironic.

We ended up at a bar. The bar. The place where the jewels of this town hang out. Exchange important ideas, and create revolution. He had sat here many nights, he explained, sometimes chatting and drinking the night away, brushing up on his newly acquired russian, depending on who was there, sometimes writing, depending on his mood, until closing time. Everybody was friendly. I did not know if it was the drinks or the natural behavior of these people. I got a ridiculous grin in my mind after tasting their other local drink. Some kind of white wine. It tasted too good to really be. It was served in a round cream colored teapot, and one drank it as shots. But I cant, and haven’t since I left the place, been able to recall its name. It was mentioned time and time again, as I kept asking and forgetting, at the least focused hours of my life.

People were accumulating the seats around. And then a boy with a friend appeared. Or actually, the same age as we. He reached out his hand and greeted me. The rest of the group he knew, they were all old friends. He was a well known skier. He kept glancing my way as he took a seat. My mind went off in all kinds of directions. And then, that was it. I got the courage to finally do something I had wanted to do for the longest time, something like two years, but didn’t, because I felt I couldn’t. But not now. I dug out that deeply placed notebook from my backpack and began to draw the people around me.

You an artist too, the communist artist asked. No. I just want to draw. No she is an artist, he insisted, across the table. She studied architecture, but really, she is an artist, he said. I still said. No I am not. (As you yourself have witnessed, I yet to this day have difficulty accepting such a statement about myself. Think I have been a nihilist for too long.)

My blurred corner vision kept seeing the boy looking at me. I swear, he had eyes in the back of his head, too.

My head was not in its right state of mind after more and more shots of that drink. At first I was like, this is ok. I can handle this. I was devouring the shot without any hesitation. Sometimes he looked at me with the largest eyes. Like he knew, but didn’t want to tell, but his big eyes did. What it would eventually lead to. A naïve drinker wont be a naïve drinker for long. I began to feel nauseated and twirly. I need to get some air. I told the group. I need to get some air.

The bar was lowered, at the basement level of a sloping block, with repetitive vaulted structures bearing the flats above, bricks and walls full of caricature drawings and controversial photos and weird adds. Compact wooden tables and chairs of dispersed attitudes. I held on to the handrail to get up the steps and reach the door, open it: a gust of fresh air poured itself over me. It was the first month of the year. It was natural.

I had forgotten my jacket. And I didn’t realize I was standing outside for so long. I got cold. But the boy.

He got out, saw me shivering, looking gloomy: he gave me his jacket. I put it on my shoulders. We talked for a bit. After a while, he awoke some emotions in me, since I began to cry small tears. He made me think of something. Maybe a frustration. Maybe a lost piece in me. Of me. Or beside. Or inside. I don’t remember. But he made me cry. And then we hugged. The jacket rolled off, down. To the lower part of the staircase. There were still a few steps up to reach the street level.

When we got inside, took our seats, I saw him talking to the guy who had accompanied me to this place, to this country. Every sound was muffled and estranged. Maybe it was the language. Maybe it was my still throbbing head. I was still nauseous. I told the communist artist I was not feeling so good. She took me to the bathroom.

A pretty spacious room. Three by three by three meters. A tiny square window set high on one side. White tiles all over. Potato bags in the corner. A narrow few steps staircase, to reach the toilet. There always had to be an element out of the ordinary. She soaked a few paper towels and sat me down on the upraised toilet. Covered my face with the cool water and talked to me like I was her child. A woman had never ever been so good to me, then or since. I wanted to kiss her, there and then. But I didn’t. She kept talking. I think I got a crush on her. Her manners, self-confidence, softness, firmness, brown eyes and curly short hair. She was cut out of ancient rome, misplaced in a heap of trash.

After having gained consciousness of some kind, don’t recall any real sense of time, only that after having drank everything, eaten the whole bars reservoir of the most delicious fried potatoes, it was time to leave. I. He. The boy, his friend. The communist artist.

We, the girls, walked arm in arm. She was taking care of me like the sweetest candy. As she spoke in crystal words she was falling deeper and deeper into my heart. Yellow strokes surrounded us. Wobbling steps on cobble stone. Men in the back, contracting forward, after a while, the carryon of voices making us follow. We walked upwards, since the ground was not straight bellow. I could see the trunk of houses in front.

The important destination was another bar. Where one bargirl worked. Another close friend, sociology major. She was the shortest girl in town, yet working those chunky heels, and efficiently serving or withdrawing orders, like there was no tomorrow. Crazy, died blond from black, tasseled hair, and with the friendliest approach, she greeted me. And all the other new faces did too. But as quickly as I gave them a solid handshake or air kiss or shallow hug, their faces faded into the abyss.

All of a sudden, some guy, someone else, asked me to dance.

There were two rooms next to each other at this bar; he took me to the back. Music, maybe jazz, was playing. Notes have lost meaning. I was leaning against him, slouching almost, barely on my feet, arms around his neck. He was whispering something into my ear. I asked him to repeat. You are very beautiful. I said. No no. No dampened off into the stuffy air. The next moment I could not recall any words. Not recall the unknown man holding his hands firmly on my waist. Not recall what exact spot I was in the world. I smiled like a crazy person onto someone’s shoulder blade. My head was not in place. It was off somewhere, far away, like the naked moon in the sky, up, above, outside.

The low techno colored ceiling could not compress my freedom.

[twocatskissing]

Random questions 1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick lick lick lick (i like) 2. What is home to you? where ever i feel comfortable. so..not necessarily my house all of the time, it depends who i am with. 3. What was the last lie you told? i ...dont know. i just went thru my texts and i can't recall. but i've lied several times today probably without knowing. 4. Does everyone deserve the truth? no. u dont deserve my ass honey! 5.What is the creepiest toy ever made? i'll think about it 6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. talk shit get hit 7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) literally anything work related. i hate explaining to people, i just want to do it myself, it's so much more easier. but this question is making my head hurt so i'm moving on. 8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? i worked REALLY Hard on print edition II 9. How many all nighters have you pulled? probably one? two? i'm not good at them 10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? hugs. 11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? maybe...three? 12. What is your paradise? honestly where ever you are 13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) RAIN NOISES. UGH. I LOVE THEM. I WOULD DIE FOR THEM. 14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? one, not including myself 15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? communicating. i think it says i suck at communicating in person. 16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? i care about celebrities because i aspire to be like them, and i enjoy learning about other's successes 17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? i dont know how to answer this. anyone doing anything for me makes me so happy 18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? i do this a lot, i get it from my mom. i think it just makes me sound annoying. 19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? no i'm a potato 20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? i used to take them a lot but one week during 9th grade my self esteem plummeted and now i hate taking them. i think i am so ugly and unattractive. 21. List 3 things you like about yourself? i'm kinda emo rn so i cant think of anything 22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? don't make mountains out of mole hills 23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? HELL NO. i cant even take care of my damn self. even my pee is telling me my body is in serious danger. 24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? i talk to sierra, practice a makeup look, or go to sleep really early 25. When was the last time you felt awkward? when i went out to starbucks earlier tonight i was in this really weird state where i felt really weak and off, i felt kinda awkward and bad 26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? im super introverted but i always like having one person with me, i don't like being completely isolated, but i hate having multiple people around me. 27. What constitutes a good friend? having conversations that never dry out, being there for you right on the spot, good hugs 28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? i would want just one best friend, but i've come to realize that people i'll get super close with get really annoyed with me easily and that's not what i want 29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? that hetero shit. 30. What is your dream job? journalist at refinery 29 31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? hardworking because from there you can build your skills 32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? IM A VIRGIN 33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? why he so ugly. 34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? what does this even mean 35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. i don't want to hate them again 36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? hope they aren't suicidal like i am 37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? girl i'd sell that shit. need that college money. 38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? speech, bc u need speech to speech 39. Name the last book you read. animal farm 40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? BROOO i would say i would love this, but i would never be able to be with someone if i'm like that. no homo. 41. When was the last time you made the first move? ...Never 42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? it's ok :/. nothing is worse than country music, tho. 43. What was the last movie you watched? hidden figures 44. Do you like and appreciate your life? no 45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? No. 46. When was the last time you cried? on saturday 47. What are you scared of? rejection and thunder storms 48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? no let's not get into that tonight 49. What are some of your hobbies? makeup, editing stories 50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? overthink and over analyze 51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i would say i'm a decent friend. i'm extremely loyal and supportive, but at the same time i will shut u out if i'm sad and be really clingy. 52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? no. same ol' mistakes - rihanna 53. What have you learned the hard way? she wasn't shit 54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? friendship 55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) i write a fuckton l56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? logical 57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? get a job 58. What is your ideal meal? sushi 59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? tell me they're a republican 60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? DOGGIES 61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? discrimination against transgender citizens/denying access to preferred bathrooms 62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? i really like the kardashians 63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? the kardashians 64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? i like playing overwatch when i'm at my dad's house but i rarely come over there 65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? do what ya want hoe 66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? i usually wake up at around 7:30 on a weekend but you won't find me walking around because i'll stay in bed until 10 67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? i love ratatouille, but my favorite disney character will be tiana from princess and the frog because i love her. 68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? in the city. i want to live on a skyscraper. 69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? near the ocean because beach towns are so cute. 70. What are the best things about winter? how it's not 1000387377227° 71. What scares you most about the future? rejection from colleges, and any relationships i attempt to peruse. 72. What makes you feel old? ratatouille came out ten years ago 73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? 24 74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? i don't make those they're annoying 75. What is your life story in 6 words? really really really really emo 76. Describe yourself in one word. ugly 77. What bad habits do you do? um it should say *do you have, but i guess i tend to put myself down a lot whenever someone compliments me. and if i'm having a bad day and someone says something mean that's suppose to be a joke, i start crying. 78. What genre of music do you listen to? everything except country 79. Most prominent childhood memory? my dad's last day before he moved out 80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? no thanks 81. Spirit animal? sloth 82. Do you believe in horoscopes? sort of? i didnt until i realized i hate capricorns 83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? just stop being sad 84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. that's hard i have a lot of people i care about so imma add one more -dana -sierra -sarahi -chloe 85. Favorite memory of your family. hmm not really 86. What do you look for in a relationship? someone who likes me back, loyalty 87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? i don't pay attention enough to look up to someone 88. What is your opinion on social media? i love it 89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? both, it depends on the environment 90. List some things that you think are overpriced? M👏🏼A👏🏼K👏🏼E👏🏼U👏🏼P 91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? well earlier today when i was closing this people stood out the door waiting for me to come out it was really weird 92. What superpower would ruin the world? being able to read minds 93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? date girls hdhshshns 94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? girl i am too tired for this 95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? i would go back to costa rica ❤ 96. How do you approach people? i dont. 97. What is your opinion on first impressions? what does this even mean 98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? dance the cha cha slide. i'm too embarrassed to do it now. 99. What languages can you speak? english and most spanish 100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? i feel like it'll be a lot more progressive. my 101. What do you do on your lazy days? i just lie in bed 102. What ended your last relationship? well as for my last real relationship it ended because i was really sad and so were they 103. Favorite food? sushi or chiles rellanos or hot wings 104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? most of my dreams are terrifying in that i either get rejected or people leave. what's new? lol. 105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? like two weeks ago i read a text and i got seriously angry and had a suicidal episode 106. What was the last friendship you broke? i dont....know... 107. Do you have any pet peeves? i hate hearing people chew, or people talking over me 108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? no one gives me hugs. 109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? like this morning jdhsbsbsb 110. What part of your personality do you want to change? all of it. i want to be a cold distant bitch who is likable. i also want to get rid of my depression 111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? everyone stay negative 112. What is your biggest motivation? this question is grammatically confusing 113. What did you want to be when you were little? a vet or a singer 114. What are some things that you are good at? im pretty good at my job, and doing reading/writing stuff 115. What is one thing you want to be good at? math 116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? my phone definitely 117. How important is privacy to you? very. i hate nosy people. 118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? don't be nosy kiddos! 119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? i'm straight 120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? i don't go to parties, but when i do i do not talk about myself, or talk at all 121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? ummmm i don't know how to answer this 122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone? i will spend all of my money on people or things to impress others, it's ridiculous. i'll pay for dinner if i'm trying to impress a friend, or just waste my money. 123. What is your morning routine? spray myself in rose water. get dressed. Maybe MAYBE do some makeup 124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? taking photos with sierra 125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? help i believe. i'm not doing anything shitty rn 126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" i will honestly drop you so quick if you do that to me and i find out. i have no tolerance for that shit, i will not fall for it, and i will leave your ass. 127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? pros: sends the message, makes things quicker cons: getting offended, no fun 128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? BROOO DONT SVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS SHIF WHERE DO I EVEN FUCKING START OHHHH NY GOODDDHDHDHSHS BITCHDHDHSHSBS IM SGEJSNSBSANSBSBBVSSBA 129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both, but mostly zoned. 130. What do you admire most about your friends? their intelligence. i'm so jealous of them, but i admire it. 131. What do you admire most about your family? their strong work ethic 132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" it's so hard to do, no gracias. i need structure 133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? listening 134. When is it time to end a friendship? when it's causing deep painful and emotional harm to you, it's abusive in a sense 135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? "i'm just stressed out" 136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? delta, so i could study hospitality and tourism dhshhsejsh 137. What are your favorite baby names? babies are gross 138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? when i went to the park with dana on monday 139. What instantly ruins a conversation? dry ass responses 140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. turn on's: buying me tonight's, hugs, touching, eye contact, laughing turn offs: distance, being ignored 141. Biggest disappointment. rejection by ******* 143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? when i talked to wheatsville 144. Prized possession(s)? my costa rica ticket, my makeup collection 145. What is your opinion on second chances? it depends on what they did to fuck up 146. Text or call? text 147. What do you like about the 21st century? my phone 148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? don't date until ur mentally stable 149. How organized are you? ask sierra 150. Favorite mode of transportation. car