#and i think i realized shes not going to therapy just because i wont go with her

[blueslight]

👎

[muskpunk]

yooooooooo 5am ptsd flashback gacha pulls just dropped wooooooo yeah lets go gamers!!!!!

[haveyouevertriedtofuckabox]

vent in the tags about my mom time!

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

You could drink your whole life away and still never get that taste out of your mouth.

half commission for @salempie half completely self indulgent dreck pieced together from our insane conversations abt franke and elka. told myself id finally write a big explanation for all of the dum shit between these two for context so Thats Under The Cut.

so I already wrote some stuff about elka and franke's relationship back in whispering rock so feel free to look at that too . it goes over elkas blindness/‘seeing’ with clairvoyance and how her and franke started talking & all that good stuff

SO FOR STARTERS. a lot of thsi wont make sense without a big breakdown of elka herself. because elkas potential as a character is like insane to me. like just the idea of her in the long run of her life reads as something so potentially tragic; a young girl whos plagued with visions of doom and destined to be an outcast even in her own home for things she cant control and clings to the One vision of her wedding that she thinks is 'happy' even despite the fact she doesnt really love the person in it. im choosing to take the li-po doc as canon here because its funny shes the only one with backstory-

but my fucking god even the smallest look into what her parents are like is soo fucked up to me. and i do think elka especially gets a lot of influence from her mother; its funny how easily you can fit mabel doom into a box just from what elka says about her. knees deep in an avon-esque pyramid scheme and leaning into her daughters depressing ass visions & taking her to therapy at age 11 (which would be good if not for the kind of person you can already assume she is & so i doubt the therapist she has really does her any good. i think they share one). she reads as a very I Am My Daughters Best Friend type of mom to me and i can see elka being a centerpiece of the conversation when she has her Amway Girls over for drinks. wine-mom that lets her kid sip from the glass so she can feel like a big girl type deal.

and you can tell that elka is trying to hard to be too mature for her age even in her campster posts. how she writes letters to nils' mom and exchanges baking recipes with her and that feels like she really only interacts with middle aged women and not really many people her own age outside of camp (like her moms friends). which makes sense shed feel the need to ‘grow up’ early when shes probably had to process so many hard things at a young age bc of her visions.

theres a lot of filling the blanks here of course.

elka obsesses over nils to an overbearing degree even despite the fact he treats her like shit ('you promised no talking' and so on) and she treats him bad right back. she leans onto stereotypical heterosexual ideals like taking care of him and overblowing how Manly and Protective JT is and she admires romance stories like pride and prejudice and it feels like she Projects Soooooooo much of what she wants onto boys she barely feels anything for without knowing what its actually supposed to feel like. and clearly she WANTS that ideal future, a happy marriage, an actual romance- but according to nils even when they were dating she ignored him most of the time, which just seems Very Telling

like shes filling a role, overcompensating for emotions and lacktherof she cant digest quite yet, and it only makes more sense when you know shes had visions of their future together. how could that be bad for her? shouldnt it be like the books and movies? but she doesnt really connect the fact that her visions are only for Doomed futures, and if she does she certainly doesnt show it. Doomed relationships. it's been a part of her family for generations and she isn't turning out much different, is she? i dont think she even realizes thats all she ever sees yet, just that its Going to happen. that it's Her future, and it always will be

and like, her only reference for a real marriage so far has been her own parents, and she already Knows they have an affair, and theyre doomed to split, (and i actually like to think they were in rough waters anyway and elka was a child meant to mend a crumbling marriage but thats a whole other thing) and so without a framework for what an actual healthy relationship is supposed to be like she cant really grasp that her relationship with nils Isnt that and isnt ever going to be. she can only cling to this one happy idea of the future, and thats why she keeps chasing him, self fulfilling the actuality of her situation and creating and fostering the unhappy life they will inevitably live together.

and that bleeds into everything else in her life, of course, because as the years go on, as the visions grow in number it just makes sense for her to fall into the predictability of her life. she always knows whats going to happen, her visions are Never wrong- so why try to change things? shes had time to process tragedies days, weeks, months, years before they happen, shes had time to settle into every crack of her life. her parents divorce, her various break ups, her future with the psychonauts.

“and she's already seen so much of a future with [nils] she feels trapped almost. Like she has to be happy in it or else it just means her life is miserable. And it's a mixture of pride and fear of the unknown that keeps her clinging to the One thing she knows. BUT LIKE!!! She knows what's gonna happen! It's easier to grieve when she's been grieving for years... She wants so badly to be happy, But to do that she has to step into the unfamiliar. And that's more terrifying than staying the same miserable person she's always been.”

and thats where franke comes in— and yeah you Do have to take a lot of liberties for frankes character since it’s basically, like, all the info for her is just that shes a Supreme Baby Dyke but thats enough for me. i think she has protective butch itch in her . on campster shes defensive over other women evidenced in the way she keeps watch over the girls cabins for lili when elton is pursuing her . but shes also eager to please and constantly trying to make kitty laugh and also Very naive. but she tries! and i think it only solidifies more as she gets Older and really gets a hold of her feelings & her powers. this is incredibly franke to me

and i think as they grow older together— because i think franke and elka Do stay friends, both because elka is just pathetic and needs that positive connection even if she doesnt realize it and because i think franke is a very Loyal person & annoyingly persistent if you let her be . and i am also a kitty/franke truther. because kittys also important in this web we weave

because i think franke and kitty stay together after camp, to a point— theres a falling out facilitated on kittys end and they break up, but reconnect, and franke kind of... saves kitty from herself a little, from her strict military father whos love only extends thru finances , from her own stifling future , she drives all the way to bakersville in her shitty van handmedowned from her dad and they move in together eventually . they get jobs at the motherlobe , because it’s a pipeline to a decent job, because it’s whats easy, because franke doesn’t really have a future, because she’s never really been good at much, because shes never had much sense, because franke doesnt really care as long as she can live and help, sometimes, if she can, and because kitty’s there, and because elka’s there, and shes so used to being elkas eyes now and shes good at it. shes good at being the muscle of the missions when her colleagues lack it, when hypnosis and predictions arent enough. she likes it that way.

and elka appreciates frankes company. she listens, shes sweet, she does little things for her that no ones ever really put the effort for before; she likes her. franke is strong and bold and makes her laugh and shes always there but god elka cant let go of that future, of that box shes put herself in, that her mothers put her in, of being a Good Wife to a Loving Husband, of getting married normally and falling into unfailing familiarity. thats all shes ever wanted and shes not going to jeopardize that . not for franke, who may not be a boy but is handsome like one, whos always held her after every break up with nils and the men that filled empty days inbetween.

and elka is too stubborn to recognize those feelings anyway. too prideful to accept a way out. too set in her cycle no matter how much she hates it, her little self fulfilling tragedy of her own making, wallowing in her own doom. she struggles for control of her own life when she feels like every choice has been made for her anyway, she puts up her walls and carefully constructs what people see. but franke was always harder to trick, because while empathy isnt a particularly useful psychic power it’s certainly an inconvenient one. all franke has to do is get too close and all those carefully crafted walls fall apart, and elkas control is gone, and thats all she really has. and she tries to distance herself, really she does, but franke is also too persistent. and elka wears gloves, keeps contact that would make her walls crumble from happening as best as she can, but she cant really keep herself from the brief moments where she feels like someone actually fucking cares about her.

and that slightest lack of control, the need to wrestle it back is why she proposes to nils the next time theres a falling out— she knows how it happens, she plans every detail. and he accepts, despite everything. gets her a cheap ring and it feels like lead on her finger and its nothing at all like how shed thought it to be when she was a kid, theres no feather light feeling in her chest, only that dreadful reality that she cant turn this back. BUT WHAT CAN U DO LMAO

elka doesnt tell franke about this engagement until later, on their way back from a mission. late at night when neither of them can sleep, and franke invites elka to smoke in her van, because its been so long since theyve been alone like that, because elkas been so strangely absent lately. and because of everything, because frankes always so damn nice, because elka hates the feel of the ring on her finger, because she let herself get high alone with franke fucking athens whos always been so good at pulling her apart— the truth of it all spills out and its messy and emotional and she hates it, she hates the life shes made for herself, but franke makes it easier to bare and now shes here and shes so close and god she wishes she could see her smile again, she wishes she could see franke, thats all she needs right now and she cant but she can touch her and she can hold her and for tonight, she can be known, she can let those walls crumble, she can be something else just for once here with franke . she can kiss her here in this van, touch that happiness for just a moment, and forget the future that waits for her outside of it. franke begs her to forget the wedding, to just let herself be happy— and god, she wants to, but it means turning her back on everything shes known and everything shes saw to be inevitable, and franke has never been in her future, so if it were supposed to work out why hadnt she seen it and she cant, she cant take that risk but she can have this, even if its temporary, she can have it.

and just as soon as she gets a taste of it, its gone. after that night, after the missions over and theyre back at the motherlobe and have to pretend like nothing happened (franke doesnt, of course she tells kitty about it, she tells kitty about everything.) but that brief moment together haunts elka every time she sees franke, sees herself through frankes eyes, sees herself in her wedding dress because god its all franke can think about! of course it is! she knows how much elkas destroying herself she knows how much misery shes wallowing in that kiss in the van felt like an emotional punch to the teeth and she hasnt ever forgotten it and all she can do is sit and watch while elka throws herself into a loveless marriage. she can come to her wedding and see the way the bride and groom kiss with the emotional weight of a wet towel no matter how hard elka tries to hide it under a pretty dress and bouquets of flowers and meticulous planning.

and elka resents nils but she cant really hate him, its not his fault, not really. he feels trapped just like she does and his feelings of misery only cycle back into hers . they fight and gnash and wear away at each other and its a relationship thats crashed and burned a million times before elka even said i do. and its inevitable that she falls into her mothers habits, a sip of wine here and there to loosen up, until it turns to a glass, until it falls into a bottle on nights when whatever work nils does runs late.

but franke’s still there. shes always been there, hasn’t she? always trying to play knight, always trying to save her, dragging her home when shes stumbling over herself because god who else is going to do it but her? who else is left to care? certainly not nils. never nils. because franke knows her. because franke pities her. shes always pitied her. shes always known. and elka hates it, she resents it, but god in the same breath she’s desperate for it, she envies it to her very bones. elka is a mess but after frankes done with her she has someone to go back to that loves her. and god what elka wouldnt do to have that. to take it and keep it for herself because shes never ever got to have that movie romance shes always wanted.

so now comes this.

because elkas particularly miserable and particularly spiteful and she needs to get franke to understand, just for a moment, drink with her and get on her level and she needs her there with her no matter how her pity makes her feel. no matter how much it makes her shake with anger and envy and desperation, but god the way franke looks at her, the way she still tries to salvage what they have, the soft, slurred way she tells her that it’s okay but its not okay, none of this is okay, it never has been and she just wants franke to shut up and see that, and if she cant then she’ll show her, she’ll show her all the raw angry desperation, with too much teeth and hands that claw and grab and she’ll know why everyones always said she’s too much.

and she knows this puts her on nils’ level too. that this makes her a cheater, that shes no better than he is now. no better than her father and his affair. but god, she wants to be selfish. she wants to be in control. just for once. she wants to feel right and she wants to feel happy and she wants to feel loved. thats all shes ever wanted. and franke will let her have that, just for a little while, at the very least.

anyway. sorry. sorry for being crazy . this isnt even getting into the shit after the comic takes place . elkas stupid brainworld thag she has to overcome in order to finally be allowed in the polycule and live happily ever as worlds first lesbian divorceman

sorry for all the shit i make up instead of caring about actual characters with screentime . bye !

[monochromeruby]

REWRITING DCAS???

if I rewrote DCAS like this who would read it be honest: (Reblogs Appreciated)

Here are my thoughts. There’s a lot, so sit down and get a cup of coffee:

The BIGGEST thing I would overhaul is the:

Trevek/Emily disaster.

Emily would still help Yul, but because Yul’s manager wants to see him be better and treat Grett better, so she accepts the payment and tries to get him to genuinely change, but gets promptly fired for wrongful assistance.

Instead of Trevor witnessing Kristal and Derek kiss, he could instead see them do something and misinterpret it as a kiss. But instead of being jealous, he wants to be supportive to his best friend, despite his heartbreak. He would be supportive of Trevor and Kristal and leave them alone so they could have “alone time”. Meanwhile, Derek is just like “???” Misunderstanding trope done correct ^^

Emily would help Trevor get closure with his feelings, as Trevor would vent to her about feeling guilty about not being supportive of their (non-existent) relationship. Emily also wants to talk to Kristal about getting her job back (instead of revenge) so the two of them work together to find out plans about the finale so they both have times to talk to Kristal and Derek separately.

During the finale I would want Kristal and Emily to actually have a talk and the scorpions would probably be the result of a freak accident (I’ll get to it if i actually write this) Derek and Trevor will have their closure moment and it WONT be at the expense of Emily. I really hated how Emily turned out to be because I really liked her and her relationship with Trevor… They ragged on my sister!!!! They did my sister dirty!!!!!!!!

If I’m gonna have Tess and Ashley make it further than Jake, Aiden, and Ally, I need:

Tess and Ashley characterization

I would give Ashley and Tess storylines that don’t revolve around the characters they give therapy to. While they can still have those qualities, I think they could just be their own people too. Ashley had a lot of undertones revolving guilt, so I want to explore that more. I also want her and Fiore to resolve their beef because she was fighting with a literal 8 year old… They could have a sister dynamic but like rivals sisters.

Tess I have less ideas for but she deserved better so my ROUGH draft for her would be: I feel like she could instead work with remedying her situation with Gabby that she never really got the chance to it was kinda resolved in a day. She could also POSSIBLY be the catalyst in Alec and Riya’s recoveries but idk too much about that one.

Next is:

Alec and Riya Redemptions

Instead of having a drunken kiss, I want to actually write out the dinner scene, where they both realize their personal flaws. Alec would realize that his lack of will for confrontation is what is killing his relationships, (Connor’s elimination, his divorce, etc.). If Fiore got hurt because of his lack of a backbone, it would be a huge way for him to start caring about his relationships more.

Riya’s acting in front of the cameras was already an implied flaw, I wish they did more with it. I would want her to push Alec off the horse instead of Connor, and instead of regressing to her villainous personality, I think this is when she begins to show actual care and compassion towards other people, instead of worrying what is shown on the cameras. I also believe Alec would understand that they were both at risk of elimination and she did what she had to to win.

I also want Riya, Alec, and Fiore to be a power trio because who doesn’t love a villain mother, father, and daughter dynamic.

In the final 4, I would change it so it’s structured more like Survivor. (Person wins immunity, they pick someone to join them in the final 3, and the last two would compete in a fire making contest.) I think a good end to Riya’s arc would be her helping Alec win the fire making competition, basically quitting. While she still has a LONG way to go, it’s a good start. It would also parallel how Connor quit for Riya, Riya would quit for Alec.

I want to leave romantic implications as just implications. I think Riyalec is a fine ship, but the show has enough romances as it is, so I can leave it up to interpretation. But I LOVE them as a power duo, so that’s why I want them to be that. Connor just tarnished that for me idk.

Jake Consequences

I am a Jake hater, that much is known. I’m not biased, and I want to give him his redemption too, I still think he needs to be given consequences for his actions that isn’t someone else getting eliminated because of him.

If I got rid of his jealousy spiral, he wouldn’t really have much of a story. So, I want him to get eliminated as a result of his bad behavior. So here’s what I’m thinking.

Ashley would’ve found a totem early on. (Wasn’t it weird how the totem was added to the game so late?) She overhears the villains planning to vote her, so she has to beg Jake to vote a villain so they can idol one out. Jake is stubborn and wants to vote Aiden (possibly because he believes it was Aiden’s fault that Tom got eliminated)

Ashley tried to convince Tess and Ally to vote Aiden (because Jake refuses any other logic), but because they’re both closer to Aiden, they stick to voting for Jake without telling her.

Ashley uses her totem and Jake gets eliminated from a 5-3-2 vote (3 for Jake, 2 for Aiden, 5 for Ashley that are nullified)

Now instead of Ashley getting eliminated as a result of Jake’s pettiness, Jake is eliminated because of his own actions. My soul is healed in the process.

So if he’s not in the finale, what will we do with:

TomJake

I don’t really like TomJake as a ship, as they both need a lot of work before they get into a relationship. But I think that the motel episode could plant the seeds they need to start reconciling, and I don’t think they should necessarily get together. I believe they should both talk about their issues and be able to get closure with one another and be friends, and eventually see where things would go down the line. I know, right, why would I make the motel about yaoi? It’s the trade off to eventually have Jake fix his issues instead of it being shoved in our faces in the finale. Sacrifices must be made, I fear. I COULD leave them apart and Jake unredeemed (and listen to my biased parasites) but I think everyone should have their closure and redemption if All Stars is the last we’ll see of them competing.

Let’s also fix:

The Purge

Ally would be the victim of the purge, but I want to fix it so it’s a little fairer. I think Ally being eliminated like this is best, because for my visions to work, she would need to be out of the picture (unfortunately), but then voting Ally logically makes no sense. So the purge is (unfortunately) in order.

I would change it where the duo who lost the challenge would be the only ones up for elimination. Tess and Ally could be a pair or maybe Gabby and Ally. Either case, I feel like they’d vote Ally over either one of the two. The golden watch will also be replaced with an idol.

ALSO GOODBYE TIKTOK CHALLENGE. INNER PEACE. JESUS WHAT WASSS THAT. I’ll replace it with them taking pictures of the beautiful scenery instead. Or maybe selfies. Ally could have an inner conflict with looking ridiculous and didn’t want more online drama, so she opts to retake the photos. But, when she realizes that it’s slowing her down, and that her and Tess may get eliminated, she decides to grit and bear it. Realizing that, she gets an inner awakening that what she does not mattering actually felt really good. It would help her realize that fan opinion didn’t matter and help her resolve that inner conflict. Perhaps with the help of Tess and Riya’s words, it would be the snowball with this challenge being the climax of her revelation.

Grett winning

MY GIRL WAS ROBBED.

I want her to still be a villain, but in the sense that she made logical and strategical moved. I have lots of ideas, including her, Gabby, Tess, and Ashley being an alliance and having a turf war with Riya, Alec, and Fiore.

I also want her to be the result of Yul’s elimination too once she realizes that he’s an ass thanks to Gabby. Once she starts playing the game for herself, she starts making outstanding moves and winning immunities, setting her up to be a great winner that deserves it. I also want her to help Gabby overcome her ‘evil’ persona, so she isn’t just a comp beast, and actually has more things to do in the story.

In Yul’s elimination, I’ll also have everyone vote for him, including Alec and Riya. In the show, while satisfying, Yul’s elimination was a blunder on Grett’s part, as she was again at a number’s disadvantage with the villains. But with the villains being the majority, Yul’s elimination could be done without it being illogical. I know it wasn’t supposed to be logical, but I think Grett would’ve been smarter to do the math and realize that Yul being eliminated when he did would be bad for her. Now she can do it without it being bad for her game!!! Win for everyone.

I think she would not only be a deserving winner, but a satisfying one, as she made the game moves that are required. Above everything, all I want in a winner is someone who PLAYED THE GAME and that’s what she’ll do.

How Would I Do It?

The challenges will stay the same, (aside from the TikTok one), so how I’ll do it is:

In the earlier episodes, I think I’ll take the transcripts from YouTube and only change minor details (example: Emily’s initial motivations). I’ll also not include the very first episode, since that can stay as it is.

So the earlier portions will look exactly the same. The dialog will look like a script, while the actions I’ll write in.

But once I start changing more about the story, I’ll start actually writing it LIKE a story. So it’ll look less and less like a transcript as we continue and more like a book. Once I’ve overhauled everything, it’ll look completely like an actual story.

As to where I’d post it, I was thinking AO3 but to be honest, I’ll put this anywhere. In the end notes, I’ll also include all of my changes to the transcripts so readers know what tiny changes I made. Once I start changing more aspects of the story, the end notes won’t rlly be necessary.

I think these changes would help fix everything I hated about the season.

I have a lot of ideas, but unfortunately I’m very busy, and I also am writing my own things. But, if people think I should right the world’s wrongs, then maybe I’ll do it.

I really do want to know the public opinion, so reblogs are appreciated so I can get some sampling data.

If you think my ideas are fire and possibly want to help with this hypothetical mini-project, include your own thoughts on how to rework my ideas (I listen to criticism DONT worry) or want to share your own ideas, or if you think I’m the zodiac killer and only wish for my public execution via burning at the stake, then my messages are open. (I think). I would really like to hear critics/inclusions. This is our house. Let’s share it.

That’s all >_<

[lordhavemurthy]

i think what people tend to not understand about She-Ra (reboot) is that none of the characters (minus Horde Prime) are meant to be seen as pure good or evil. People get really pressed over how the princesses treat Entrapta (which i don't agree is right) or how Entrapta did betray them, thus making her a "morally grey character" because she has obsessions and shows signs of autism. But this isnt just something that happens with Entrapta, it happens with all of the characters. Catra and Glimmer are the next obvious, so i wont go into depth there, but for instance Adora can be very prideful. She lets the fame get to her head and isolates herself from everyone else in attempts to save the world. now, the latter isn't all her fault, Light Hope and Shadow Weaver made sure of that, but its still there. Mermista wants to be the center of attention, she wants to be the most powerful of the group and have something unique like She-Ra. Perfuma struggles to get along with people who are pessimistic or even more objective because it interferes with her "vibes." Scorpia isn't the greatest with boundaries, Frosta's a fucking child, Sea Hawk is a fucking arsonist (seriously why do we skip over that one? love him but my guy needs therapy), Angella is a coward who (despite her attempts to keep her away) sends her own daughter into battle before going out on the front lines herself, and yes, Entrapta betrayed her friends. Which, despite it being manipulated into something else here, wasn't good. She may not have understood how badly she hurt her friends (until S 5), but she actively knew that what Hordak was doing was wrong because she agreed to help the rebellion. She shows later on that while she doesnt pick up on emotional cues, she does understand what is going on, she just focuses on tech, but she gets the danger and the stakes, she knows. Let me say, however, that none of these traits, from any of these characters, make them "morally grey" (i hate that fucking term btw) it makes them human. none of us are perfect. we all have flaws, we will all hurt someone in our lives, we all make mistakes. it is how you try to rectify those mistakes, that determines whether or not your character is "good." Hordak, despite every terrible thing he did, realized he was wrong in the end, and rebelled. Entrapta apologized and sacrificed her life multiple times to save not only her friends, but the entire planet, even Shadow Weaver, who I could make a whole other separate post on, sacraficed herself so that not only Catra and Adora could live on together and save the world, but so that she wouldn't be tempted with the power that was about to be unleased. The only character i can possibly think of that doesn't have an obvious flaw (that i can see) is Bow, but he's not perfect either. To suggest so would to put in on a playing field in which no human (or complex character) could survive. So for the love of god, stop looking at it like Nate made only Entrapta "morally grey" because every character in that show made mistakes.

edit: thank you for those who made me aware of the proper name/pronouns the creator (Nate) uses now, i appreciate you!

[sidebaxolotl]

Do you know of any good resources for dealing with gender dysphoria from a side B or Y Christian angle (i.e., not affirming sin or encouraging transition?) It's not huge in my life but sometimes it comes up and I wish I had more advice for dealing with it. A lot of the stuff I find is unhelpful because it's just plainly restating the rules with how Christianity doesn't condone gender ideology with no practical advice, is in that "how to talk to your friend who has this issue" pov, or just kinda goes "lol pray about it idk". I 100% know and stand by that biological sex is biological sex and don't think it's possible to change to the opposite sex, nor do I really want to... so it's not a matter of needing to persuade me, but it doesn't change that I still have feelings of stress and of not really living up to or fitting in with womanhood. When I'm around other women it can be really difficult because I feel so profoundly different when we should be similar. TIA

Sorry this took so long, I took the time to talk to a couple of people who had dysphoria in the past and some who didn't to get some insight.

Both the people I had talked to who had it had cited porn as a major reason why they developed it in the first place so if thats not ur experience then maybe this wont be as helpful for you 😅

They did bring up a good point that assessing where you think your dysphoria comes from from a psychiatric standpoint could help you figure out how to deal with it and i was given this link:

https://oncurrentevents.substack.com/on-gender-transition-and-psychiatric-disorders

Like for example it was pointed out to me that gd presents a lot like body dysmorphia (specifically, like eating disorders and stuff) so u might be able to use whatever coping mechanisms are used for that to help. It also seems to be a prevalent phenomenon in autistic and adhd individuals so perhaps addressing those things if you have them would help.

I was also linked to this book, the friend in question had remarked that it had helped a lot of the women he knew:

https://a.co/d/6DNWdA2

The guy I talked to said therapy had helped him as well as support from God/ his family but finding non affirming therapists that have a nuanced view on things is extremely difficult, esp if you want a Christian one. Him and I were extremely lucky in that way.

The one woman i spoke to said she quit porn and sobered off gd feelings once she realized transitioning wouldnt truly make her a boy.

I did want to be a boy when i was really young but im not super sure that counts? Idk.

For me what helped was realizing a lot of what made me not want to be a girl at that time was just a reaction to stereotypical gender roles and sexism towards women. Once i started challenging those perceptions and the ways my brain was affirming them i became way more comfortable in my body.

I also had a similar realization as sibling that I'd never truly be able to be a boy if i tried to alter my body. I could wear blue and be the night in shining armor and be a hero and still be a woman, yknow?

Also a lot of it was me being very gay and not realizing it lmaooo

I can def relate to not really fitting in with women--particularly in Christian settings I'm typically the only one who isnt hyperfemme and it can be a bit alienating.

Realizing i wasn't straight kinda helped too since the lesbian perception of womanhood is a lot more fluid than its straight counterpart. Not saying to "go gay" if you aren't but maybe looking into butch and gnc communities and framing your self-perception in that way might help?

If there are any other side b dysphoric folks reading this feel free to chime in with your own tips/resources in dealing with this stuff please!!

[elfdyke]

do you have any nica pierce and tiffany valentine headcanons?

letting this ask age like fine wine until i got to the perfect point to answer it which is right now i guess <3

im not sure if you were asking for them separately or as a ship but uhhhh ill just cover all my bases ^_^

when nica was in college she was kind of a heart breaker. she hadn’t dated very much in highschool, probably just some boy for a few months, mainly out of a feeling of obligation, but she really hits her stride in college. it helps because shes finally on her own, she can spread her wings without the burden of feeling like the pitiful disabled girl with the mentally ill mother. in college she gets to be witty and charming and make friends who dont know her dreary backstory. also in college she realizes she is in fact a lesbian.. <3 (insert obligatory changing my major reference thank you kora)

nica’s kind of reveling in the discovery of women and kissing women and being with women and well she is all about that but i fear that she is a huge commitmentphobe is the problem. the list of messy exes and ghosted one night stands is something that honestly embarrasses nica but well you see they were too clingy ! (wanted to sleep over after having sex) they were too pushy and nosey! (asked about her childhood)

basically um. well imagine growing up and your mother drills it into you over and over again that the scariest most dangerous thing you can do is fall in love with someone. that no matter what nica does, dont love another person. dont open yourself up to the hurt, the pain, the loss. and nica rebuffs it because of course she does. she resents her mother for thinking nica cant handle herself, handle possible loss or pain, but she grew up on this, this fear and anguish seeped into her brain and now she herself is terrified of that possible loss. so she simply does not open herself up to that! which is actually what is so funny but also perfect about tiffanica to me. nica so resistent and fearful of commitment and mutual love that it takes another woman literally keeping her in their house like a wounded bird for her to get the kind of exposure therapy she needed to see that maybe being loved is not the terrible thing she grew up thinking it would be

oh also i really believe that sarah pierce has had a few suicide scares in the past, and that was particularly hard when barb was away from home (nica would be 12-18 all by herself with her mother). nica feels extremely responsible for her mothers mental health and keeping her safe. in fact i genuinely believe that the reason nica is at home in curse is not because of her own health reasons but because sarahs mental health took a pretty drastic drip and, of course barb refused to take care of her (she wanted to send her to a care home/or a ward), so nica swallowed her pride and gave up her independence to move back with her mother and keep an eye on her while she got better. i genuinely believe this is canon i wont lie, i feel like its very well supported in the text and implications of the movie.. but im just throwing it in here because i like spreading the good word

so for tiffany its pretty much canon that she meets chucky when shes uhhh 19 if we are being generous. shes very young. and hes in his late 20s </3. so well for tiffany i think she had a very messy time in her teenage years. a lot of intense relationships that were not good for her at all, she wanted to feel something, feel alive and in control but these men dont really wake that feeling up in her. she’s not careful with herself, i wouldnt call her suicidal but shes not very concerned with her life. visiting bars and hooking up with dangerous looking men for a thrill, shes kind of just waiting to get murdered about it the rate shes going. but when she meets chucky the pieces just fall into place. their relationship is so turbulent and exciting and dangerous and everything tiffany thought she wanted. but chucky is on a level above tiffany, hes colder, more calculating, more manipulative and dangerous, despite how badly tiffany wants to be just as despicable as him.

this isnt so much a headcanon but uhhhh. the fact that tiffany and chucky are together for 2 years before he dies. the fact that chucky kills her mother.. ^_^ um well i think that was probably just about the most fucked up thing. you have no one but me. she was holding you back. she wanted to stop you, but i want to set you free. etc etc etc… AGHH. when youre wrapped up so tightly in another person like that, in such a twisted and desperate and unhealthy way, it really does make sense that tiffany is obsessed with chucky ten years later. especially the fact that in that time she had idealized him so severely, i really believe that tiffany had completely twisted their relationship up in her head in the 10 years he was gone. she convinces herself that what they had was magical, that he was the one for her, that he was more loving than he actually was, that he held a certain amount of tenderness for her that shes emphasized in her mind. that she was the villain in their relationship, the desperate jealous bitch who hurt her loving boyfriend, without even giving him a chance. she gets the chucky heart tattoo when she finds out he dies, revels in the pain. she deserves to hurt after what she did. its less of a tattoo and more of a brand

hmmm kind of headcanon but also kind of implied canon due to jennifer and fiona’s machinations.. but i really like the concept of tiffany and nica having a very complicated and interesting dynamic post cult. the first time tiffany meets nica properly, is after chucky has hurt her. maybe he hit her or said something particularly hurtful, but she swings back and hits him across the face and well. out comes nica. this is how they meet the first few times. nica manages to wrangle her anxiety and panic under control, seeing the way that tiffany is so hysterically upset and anguished. and she comforts her. she doesnt know what else to do, she hates tiffany, cant look at her without hearing “she’s dead, miss pierce” ringing in her ears but the longer tiffany spends sobbing in nicas arms, she doesnt feel that burning hatred in the pit of her stomach. the fear kind of subsides a little too, not by much, but its not the overwhelming blind panic she felt the first time this happened. shes realizing that tiffany is not the cold calculating villain that she had believed her to be. that shes broken, hurting and scared, and desperately in love with chucky, someone who cant love her back the way she wants, the way she needs.. nica pities her

also the rest of my tiffanica thoughts lie squarely in the alternate but better reality where nica never gets dismembered and tiffany exorcises chucky from her body, so them living in tiffanys house together is a lot more like. focused on their dynamic and how they learn to care for each other in a way that makes sense to both of them. its kind of everything to me.. ^_^

OH one additional silly headcanon i have is that barb owned a copy of bound, but she left it at home after leaving to college, and a young nica ends up stumbling upon it and well um. it in fact does affect her in ways.

[nerd-at-sea5]

the last s2 chaos dump post. spoilers ahead

also i think i just lost my shit while watching this ep

oh all of his joy is abt to go away SO FAST

FUCK WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY????

LOTTIE BABES PUT DOWN THE POISON-

shauna. shauna. SHAUNA.

van tai nat the judge-y lesbians of all time <333

yeah lisa's dying.

TAISSA'S LITTLE THUMBS UP IM DYING I LOVE HER SO MUCH

hate to say it but misty's right lottie pls get some therapy

nat defending her wife (kinda?)

'we got over it' *taissa's head tilt* oh nat honey none of you got over it

oh my god the look of terror when misty tells lottie nat drew the queen

MISTY STOP FUCKING SMILING WTAF

SHE NEVER WANTED THIS!! THEIR MAKING A GOD OUT OF A GIRL WHO DOSEN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING!! AAAAA

ok technically shauna started the cannibalism

nat....MISTY STOP LYING WTF OH TAIVAN :))

#letnataliescatorcciodecksomeone1996

ok no give him time to greive.

....at least their taking off his clothes first?

thank you natalie

HAND SHAKING HAND SHAKING. REMORSE OR WANT???

do not. do this. while fucking. blindfolded.

and after all of it, van is still squimish about blood....gonna sob

van is making some painfully good points rn

she's dulling down the knifes...SCRATCHED OUT EYES.

jeff YOU are on tv...callie's facial expressions alone i love her-LMFAO SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE THE GUN IS-

KILL THE CREEPY COP!! LET THE WILDERNESS DECIDE IT.

nat's trying to protect lisa....she's so dead!!! oh my god nat and lisa im gonna s o b

BEN BAD FUCKING TIMING ALSO GOOD GOD THATS A LOT OF BLOOD-

he wants to go with her because he think she's not like them but she wont let herself go with because she thinks SHES WORSE.

van's minor case of insanity should not be as hot as it is.

ok she's phrasing it weirdly but she has a point

walter's gonna kill kevyn.

HAHA I KNEW IT

'are you one of the cult people' 'no i'm from the shire'

HA JEFFREY.

his heart is so small....OH SWEET FUCKING LORD.

yeah ok ive gotta fast forward that. DUDE IT WAS RAW.

misty i'm rlly not liking you rn

van just kicking the fire ily

FUCK CALLIE NO RUN. OH SHE HAS A GUN. SHOOT HIM.

vannnnnnnnn OH she wants to die-nvm.

it's gonna be nat i stfg and im gonna die

this gives me to much anxiety oh good god. lottie??

NO NOT AGAIN.

SHAUNA????????????

fucking hell.

WALTER KILL HIM.

CALLIE SADECKI GODDAMN

'it was vans idea' *the face of bitch pls*

AYE VAN PRINCESS BRIDE NERD CANON.

ben?

oh lottie-wait i wanna hear van's story....

it's van or nat. nvm it's nat. CALLED IT.

FUCK NATALIE OK-

lottienat pls makeout NOW challange. BOTH timelines.

IM SO SORRY NAT BABE THAT IS THE FACE OF GAY PANIC

ben watching like: i do not understand lesbians, also. i want to die.

nat you want to kiss her so bad, ur also having a midlife crisis at 17

omfg akilah's little curtsy and the way she and nat smile at each other

misty it was cute but the way ur looking at her makes me think you want to kill her

fuck. damnit lisa.

misty if you do this i will forever hate you.

SHIT NAT'S DYING-

yep. misty i hate you. idgaf if it was an accident.

JAVI??

just when she wanted to live. SHES NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

pls tell me shes got like a tolerance to this stuff?? pls.

SHIT HELLO SOPHIE THATCHER.

IM SHAKING OH MY GOD

'this is exactly where we belong' no, no you deserve to live you just haven't realized it yet.

LOTTIE?!?!!? IM HAVING A FUCKING STROKE

jesus the way she's smiling at her. she just wants to help!!

fuck she's actually dead.

i am so fucking furious right now.

god van's entire face is just 'it's supposed to be me.'

FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WAHT THE FUCK BEN WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS BEN

van palmer i should not find this hot.

VAN GET THE FUCK OUT

hey at least their warm now right

[minseologs]

rage pt. 1/2

TW// The following story is a work of fiction. 

They say a violin string’s tension can withstand about eight kilograms of pressure before it snaps. Each hit with it’s bow determines how long they will last. What it’s made of in the core and the way you care for it also predicts longevity. 

And of course, what you play also adds a factor. 

When I was little, My father always told me to hide my emotions so they will never be used against me. Any kind of emotion, I’d have to deal with privately. I remember always being alone to deal with it. There are a few things I’ve done to make it bearable. Sometimes, I felt the need to take it out over things, just so I can make room for more if I needed to.

“It could be a lot of factors as to why,” the doctor explains, the waving of his pen distracts her for a moment. “Interment explosive disorders could be from environmental factors, and sometimes genetics, even.”

“Well, my family are psychotic, Have you heard? I’m sure you know papa and mama’s history with their feelings—“ she jokes, her smug smile didn’t pierce through the psychiatrist. “Anyway— I’m going through therapy anyway... to deal with it, I mean.”

“Have you, Miss Choi?”

There was something so cunning about the way she carried her lies.

“Of course. Along with the medications you’ve given.”

-

Adiago 

I am the violin. My emotions are held in the strings. The bow and the melody was what controlled me. Like a tempo, everything starts out slow— then fast. As much as I always deny it, I can recall the episodes I’ve had with this. Because they all end the same. The same palpitations, the same cries, the same regret and sorrow that follows after I’m forced to see the damage I’ve done.

“Minseo!”

The child tried her best to hold her tears in as she prepares reprimanding from her father. She didn’t even remember what it was about. It was an honest mistake in her own, she thought. A strike of his hand across her cheek snaps something in her, but she couldn’t show it. 

“Now get out of my face.”

As calmly as her father demands, she bows and walks away with a blank face. Her footsteps lead her back to her room. It was the first time she felt something so overwhelming that she grabs a doll and immediately dismantled it. With brute force and sheer anger— Minseo had calmed only when she could see fluff everywhere and her fingertips plump red from the blood the rushed to the surface of her skin. Her heart was racing in a way where it wasn’t just filled with untold outrage, but it was out of grief. 

Eventually, I realized I would keep everything to myself from then on. As if there was this voice that tells me when to start, and tells me it’s enough. I’d find the time, mostly in the evening before bed, to destroy everything I could, as much as I could. It made me feel better, I confess. It was a habit created out of the same abusive home I was in, I’m told. I realize I’d filled in what was missing from what papa gave Hyeseo. All joyous things a child should receive. Sometimes, he would do it in front of others. Perhaps that’s also why I hated being around ‘our own crowd’, so to speak. I had no one to blame. I was a child. 

-

Accelerando 

“Do you really think papa will give you the business?” Her older sister had mocked her after she had fought her place. “It’s gonna be given to me whether you want it or not.”

“What makes you so sure about that?” Her voice was taunting and it always ticked Hyeseo. She flips a page of her book to keep herself from attacking her own blood. “Just because you have a position in the company doesn’t mean you’ll get everything.”

“I’m sure I will,” her poise comes closer to the other and tilts her younger sister’s chin up. “And you will work under me, wont that be fun?”

Minseo could only look at her sister in the eye. Hyeseo chuckles as she leaves her arms reach. And if she had stayed, another fight probably would’ve broke out between the two.

My father had always challenged my sister and I. But as soon as I try to make him proud, my sister was always there to make sure I don’t reach where she could. I was always second. I don’t blame her. If you had a father that always made sure power was there, you would only want the best of the best in your children, no? Eventually I remember having this . . . sort of emotion in me. To hurt my own sister like she always had with me. At times we were friends and allies, but mostly, I was thrown under the bus and treated like an outsider. Of course it was never to a point where I wanted her dead. I wanted her to suffer. Suffer so greatly that it would impede anything she knows how to do now. But alas, like always, I did nothing.

Her fingers dance gracefully on the neck of the violin. She played well with any music sheet her eyes have set note on. Her right hand had controlled the bow for each note and tempo needed. But with her recklessness, one snaps in front of her that completely lost her focus and placed quick force against her skin. Her partially broken instrument falls to the ground as a hand touches pain on her temple before seeing speckles of blood on her fingertips. A foot immediately stomps the instrument to further reduce it to broken pieces of wood that was piqued by her injury. It attracted the attention of a maid in the near by room. Minseo’s face meets hers and what was once the face of forbidding annoyance quickly turns into a friendly and gentle glow.

“Clumsy me.”

[itdobethatbitch]

what are your thoughts on trans men? i am a trans man who told my family when i was 12 that i wanted to be a boy. i didn't know that being transgender was a thing, nobody told me i should become a boy, and i believed that women were just as strong and capable as any man. i am 18 now and medically transitioning not because i am "deluded" or "crazy", but because being called she or her or my deadname physically hurts. i've attempted suicide twice, but i am much happier now, and my male-to-female friends have had similar experiences. we are not grooming children- many of us realized we were trans as children, without outside intervention. educating on lgbtq history and trans issues does not force somebody to be trans. and as somebody raised female, i understand being afraid of men and paranoid that they are out to get you, but have you considered that not everything is about you? that a trans woman isn't uprooting her entire life just to fuck you in a public bathroom? trans people are not preying on cis women. we just want to be normal.

I think it is very common for younger girls to want to be boys. There are pleanty of reasons why puberty is uncomfortable for both boys and girls. It is an awkward time, and there are a lot of cultural factors that tie into it as well.

I dont feel differently about women being trans and identifying as men, save for the fact that women are physically built differently than men and are on average, not as strong. I still think there should be more single stall bathrooms, that would fix some problems. I still think you shouldnt be allowed to change to a different sex sports team.

Personally, the trauma I have experienced occured when I was roughly 4 to 10 yesrs old, and it wasnt violent. So, I am not worried about myself nearly as much as I am worried about other women and girls.

Sure, if someone genuinly feels they should be a different gender and they are 18, they are an adult and can make their own choices. However, I think men who know damn well they are men, are acting as if they are trans to get access to vulnerable people. I think it is the responsibility of people who identify as trans, and as you say "just want to be normal", to understand the consequences of allowing people to self identify and use whichever restroom they please.

Someone who has a paraphilic disorder will do whatever it takes to satisfy their urges. They are abusive and manipulative and are a danger to others.

It is more of an issue for men to identify as women because men, even going through hormone therapy, will have the physical advantage over women. I know these are generalities, but it is the duty of good people to protect others. If you are trans, i think it is up to you to manage yourself and act accordingly, finding a single stall bathroom. Fight for that if you want to fight for rights.

At the end of the day, I believe that allowing biological men into women only spaces removes the rights of biological women...I dont aim to offend people, but i wont keep my mouth shut just because people get offended. I wish the world was perfect and we could trust people to be honest and kind, but that isn't reality.

And words cannot cause a physical pain to someone. You may feel a strong emotional reaction, but while I believe words do have power, they cannot physically harm someone.

I am sorry you felt so strongly you tried to take your life, but my opinions on suicide are another topic and i will offend even more people. If you want to have that conversation I will, but anyway...and I am glad you personally feel better about yourself, and you may not personally be a groomer, but people who want to cause harm are benefiting from certain actions.

This was a long one, I tend to ramble, but i tried to answer the topics that seemed to be brought up in your ask.

[audible--silence]

Words

When people say to me “what about your future?” I tell them thats exactly who im doing all this for

“All of the best things in my life have occurred when things in my life didn’t go to plan”

“Only thing that changed in eight years is haircuts and excuses”

I want everyone to ask and care but i dont want to talk about it either

Failed with flying colors

Home feels like lame familiarity

“You’ve gotta be my stability!”

“I cant cos im on a BAR STOOL”

The years are passing me by faster than I care to admit.

Turns out making good use of your 20s doesn’t do an awful lot to slow them down.

I’m living a life I thought I wanted and still I feel a divide between what I thought I wanted and how I thought I would feel. Maybe this isn’t all that I hoped it would be. Maybe im not alive enough to make it feel good enough. Maybe just prioritizing fun isnt gonna cut it. But definitely prioritizing stability wont.

Maybe we just don’t have enough years on this earth and space in our brains to feel like we can really live anything to completion.

All I know right now is that on this warm, still summers evening, with a beautiful light in the sky, on a night I should be thoroughly captivated by, i feel unamused and alone.

I’ve seen this before.

I’m stuck with myself in a place i know all too well and not a great many people left to meet

“I have one foot in the door and the other going in a direction i dont quite know yet”

“If you can read this, i hope you have health insurance”

Never have i ever been in a rush to go to sñeep before

19 year old w 5 years practice

I dont believe in being nice i believe in being kind

“Well, money where your mouth is? I liked you.”

“Yeah but I’ve changed since i said that”

Well where too from here

Still tiptoeing around and dancing away

Trying to see where we stand in each other’s lives

Am i all wrong?

Did i read too far into all the songs in the playlist?

Or all the stories we told each other?

All the memories we shared?

And all the fun we made.

How about all the time we spent on each other or all the thoughts spent?

All the dreams made and all the hopes held.

All that you said that i read into, cannot be a mistake. You’re too clever for that. Did you want me to say it? Were you waiting for it? Did you want it? You sure werent surprised by it.

God i hope i didnt ruin it.

Maybe youre right

Maybe finding your person is long term task

Maybe all those journal entries, nights drinking together and nights thinking of you were to hit a realization.

Maybe the realization is that i need therapy

Maybe its that we’re not compatible

Maybe we need more time.

Either way, i know im here for it

Way too much love for the woman who raosed me and her never ending kindness and innocence despite the shit she’s had to deal with. Somehow coupled with a complete lack pf jealousy.

Im quite sick of the world

Im not very fond of myself in it either

I think every minute of every day what am i doing here? Why am i here?

I dont feel comfortable in myself

I dont feel confident in myself

I dont like the state of the world when i observe it

I feel powerless to change it

I feel like a fool for never having tried

I tell myself all the things my dear sweet friends would tell me in this situation

I know that im giving myself too much grace

Im not a dipshit

But i made myself into one

And ill die that way. Whenever I get too sick of it

What a damn shame it is to know a good moments passed you.

To have only the half remembered memories because you didn’t realize at the time that this would be a moment you’d want to think about forever.

I’ve left little pieces of my heart across the globe. From Oaxaca to West Aus to New York to Ningaloo, traces of my soul can be found sprinkled in pockets around taco stands, strangers vans and gorgeous country under shining stars.

I can never get them back.

Nor do I want them.

But I fear ill never approach life in one place with the same zest and enthusiasm as I used to.

A wise man once said it’s important to know when you’re living in a moment you’ll want to remember. I think it’s important to know when you’re shaving a piece of your heart and leaving it somewhere with someone as well

I don’t tend to think of it as “learning about myself” anymore. I think after a few seasons worth of reinventing myself, it feels a little bit more like reinventing the next iteration of myself. A both tiring and exciting endeavor indeed.

“Do you miss NY”

“Mmmmm sometimes “

What a fkn lie. Every day, most hours, in truth

I dont feel like myself

The aussie accent

The blokey chat

The blending in

None of its me, really.

I need stress to stay awake despite wht its doing to me

Do i want to look at the city on my drive in and think “hell yeah” or”ahhhhhh fuck”

Either is an investment of time n energy and i have to pick

You can observe in many colonized countries today what i see in myself.

When you take away peoples connection to identity, language, customs and place, they will frequently stumble around somewhat aimlessly with a penchant for extra curriculars

“Its only racist if im not funny”

“Theres something to be said about a life well fucked around “

[cryoriku]

feellikeimgonnaconstantlythrowupallthetimmeeeee never emotionally got to recover from my last situation bc the person just wanted to pretend like it didnt happen instead of resolving it and didnt realize because we just numbed tf over it but that entire safe space feels fucked plus a lot has changed in the small time we couldnt talk to anyone really and i chase it but i cant keep up to stay relevant and cool and funny and we're blurring as hell and work is FINE but my stupid mentally ill brain is breaking from working full time (which would be bad enough but also all the training is done from home) i wont stop shaking and i just wanna cry but we move out soon and need the money. im venting so much on here and i don't want to be but without a safe space and without a therapist (because my stupid boss won't give me a schedule to even make appointments in and when i make them ahead of time she gets upset) i have nowhere else to go. i dont expect people to reply to this i just need it out. this is so miserable. none of our interests are engaging or comforting us right now either.

i wish id never left florida. i have less here than i had there. i wish i stayed and played as some bimbo at a bar in the keys until some rich man swooped me up and told me he wanted to take care of me. i probably wouldnt then if all my needs were met but if i ever had to go inpatient then i know i could without actively making my situation worse by devoiding myself of money that couldve went to food or rent.

i dont want to die. i want to disappear. but i think its gonna only get harder to keep myself alive. its cruel to say this because i know how emotionally abused and controlled we were as children but it feels almost sick in retrospect knowing then how suicidal we were when we had food on the table and hot showers and no bills and now. no because we didnt even get that bc of roxas's consistently borderlining ed i swear was spurred by our parents comments and having our near naked body checked to make sure we werent cutting or hiding anything (yeah, dont let your suicidal baby get therapy or comfort them or anything, take away their phone and friends and invade their privacy nonstop because fear and deprivement will DEFINITELY make it better)

our youtube career better kick off as soon as we are in an apartment and start paying the bills because . hey! have i mentioned being demiromantic sucks ass! its 7am. i have got to stop typing. im going to get food or keep sleeping.

edit: i decided to lay in bed longer then birthgiver entered the room and im reminded i dont have room to have mental illness i need to grow up and get the fuck out of this house because i cant keep living like this her not gonna say more on this or im gonna explode.

[iguessitsgabe]

Ive been getting a lot of intrusive thoughts atm.

Like what if i jump on the metro rails. Will people still missgender me after death?

Would my obituary put my dead name? I suspect my coworkers will keep treating me as a 'she' even after i kill myself.

I think what i would regret the most would be dying after my grandma, i wish she wouldn't realize im gone.

Also, i would regret not hearing my mom call me son. She knows im trans, but she would only treat me like a real man once i look like one.

I worry how my mom and grandma are going to subsist here when im the only one providing the economic support.

If i buy a life insurance, will it give them money if i kill myself?

Im sad my online friends wont find out. I lost contact with them due to my inability to face them as "myself". I wish they wouldn't find out, i prefer if they dislike me for distancing myself.

I have work today, but i dont want to go.

I told my mom about my intrusive thoughts and she just told me to try harder at therapy. As if its that easy .

I dont even want to keep going to therapy, i cant even make the activities my psychologist assign me. Because im such a failure i cant even try harder.

I didnt even get to finish university.

I couldn't even get into a university. Even if im studying for the entry test, i will not make it.

I told my mom i didnt want to go to work brcause im sick and sad, she blame me for not saying it later. Because the job its more important than my life.

[wordsofapanda]

Warning long vent

Earlier this month I vented that I hope my ex thinks of me when he plays god of war. It wasn’t because I wanted him to suffer but more due to wanting him to be stuck with this game and his feelings towards me. I recently watched a clip involving Kratos wife and it kind of made me realize something. Of course he’s thinking of me while he plays this game. One of the few times we talked since our breakup, he told me that he’s been thinking a lot about kids. I thought it was random but now that I watch gameplay, I realized that he was playing this game and thinking of me. In that conversation, he admitted that he realized how much he wants a kid. I told him he could have one with his new wife and he said she doesn’t want kids but she also could never be ready to be a good mom. He told me that he fucked up. That he realized he wanted me to be his partner and carer of his child. I explained it was impossible and my biological clock is running out so I might be on my way out fertility wise since the women in my family are notorious for having pregnancy issues and uterine problems. He just replied that he was sad at how things turned out. I joked with him that maybe I could donate an egg to his cause but he said that it wouldn’t be the same. That it’s not that he wants my kid but he wants me to be the mother and take care of them because he trusts me and I’m a good person. It was weird. I’m in this weird position where I am fighting an internal battle of being a good enough parent due to my mother completely mistreating me as a child. Everyone around me who learns that I’m scared of being a horrible mother and repeating the generational trauma cycle have assured me that I wont be like my mom, callous and uninterested. This topic has weighed in my mind heavily for a lot of reasons. Because my high school sweetheart has a kid, and it means he’s a package deal. Because I have to make sure that my next partner is marriage worthy so I can try for a kid. And because I have to heal to even consider the former options. Not only that, I’ve been super transparent to all of the guys crushing on me. I’ve told them it’s a fear of mine and I want something long lasting. They have all handle the information so smoothly and have been supportive. And it’s super weird to me because I thought after my decade long relationship that I would never have to think about it again and my time was just “done”. I was super ready to give up on this idea of a nuclear family. And I partly still feel like that. In a super confusing way, it brings me comfort that my ex is grieving the loss of what could be. Because I’m not the only one grieving. I am grateful for everyone who has looked me in the eye and said something along the lines of “you will be a great mother”. These past few weeks I’ve been told this by ex’s, current love interests and family members. Their validation helps and I feel like I’m doing enough work in therapy where I can finaaallllyyy accept this as a true statement. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to be a more patient and caring person and although I have a long way to go, I’m getting there.

[shadowfalconwing]

I wish that i didn’t feel so much a lot of the time. That I had the ability to take things less personally, have less of a knack of having the entire world collapse around me whenever something happens.

And I know that a lot of the emotions I have--not all of them, but a lot--are just me being hung up on the future I wish that i might have had. It’s hard not to get caught up in the hypotheticals, the “in another life, we” of it all.  lord knows I still do miss her, though. I feel like I cant go an hour without thinking about her some days, and on others I might be lucky to avoid the matter until I remember at random at the end of my night.

I hope that the therapy helps, i really do. The past few years have felt impossible to handle on my own, and now i’ve been hurt and left to rot by the person i wish most was at my side.

that’s another thing, realizing the betrayal. Not just knowing superficially that she knew exactly what she was doing, how much it’d hurt the person that she claimed to love, and she did it anyway. Time and time again. 

I think that i deserve more than someone who would hurt someone they love in such an intimate way, and then lie, simper, and beg to not have to face the consequences of their actions. I’m angry, i feel so angry sometimes that i just want to scream until my throat is raw. but on other days it’s all i can do to just try and distract myself instead of letting myself drown in missing her.

Some nights, i just wish i had a body to warm the bed, to hold, to pour my love into. anyone, just someone.

I wonder how i’ll fare in love in the future. I’m scared that i wont find anyone, but i’m trying to remind myself that i have value, all by myself. I’m just nervous at the very new, strong, sturdy walls that i’ve felt around my heart lately. what was left of it, in the end. 

I want to get to a place where i’m not angry anymore. I’ve chosen to remind myself that forgiveness and healing don’t always go hand in hand. I don’t have to forgive her to be able to pull myself back together. I’m just so tired of being angry, and i’m so tired of being hurt, that it’s difficult not to be resentful. it’s hard. 

most nights, if i’m being honest, i look forward to dreaming. because i always, always dream of her. the dreams aren’t always pleasant, to say the least; recently i’ve been seeing this new, awful, cruel iteration of yourself. but sometimes i get to dream of halloween night when we first started dating, once we were back and curled up on your tiny twin bed in your doorless basement apartment. i remember you pulled me close, exhausted and sleepy, and breathed out that you loved me so quietly.

i remember being scared to say it back, even though i already knew that i loved you, too. 

i remember finding the cat together. remember the first time we went out after you’d transitioned. remember when i helped you decorate when you moved, remember being mindlessly high with you and laughing at everything the other said. I remember what it sounded like to hear your heart beat at night, or the way your hair smelled when you slept curled into my chest. 

There’s a lot of stuff that i wish that i could forget. All of that, i want gone out of my head because it hurts to hold onto it.

i wish that i could wish you happiness and mean it. but you’re cruel, cold, and you deserve the hurt that will come your way for a long while yet, and i hope that when you think too long about me it eats you alive the way that you tore my fucking heart out.