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noemitenshi · 1 year

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Do you have an ultimate all time fave Troy scene that you could gush about forever?

Oh god that's such a difficult question. Honest answer would be 'no' because I just cannot choose. I have *so many* favorite Troy scenes that I love to go on and on about. Like, really, I think every ep he is in, I've got at least(!!) one scene I could gush about. I mean, I can't even tell you which ep I love him most in.

Though I do have at least two eps my mind goes to first when asked for favorite Troy scenes - ep 9 and ep12. And again, there's a lot of scenes to love in there but I think most about ep 9 is the confrontation with Madison (and, of course, stabbing his hand on Klah's knife. gotta love that enthusiasm). He's so vulnerable during it, like we get another little puzzle piece of his rich inner life that he keeps so closely guarded (ok or maybe it's also that he wasn't really a hm POV character or someone we should sympathize with that's why his... reasoning or motivation for a lot of things stayed hidden from us 🤷‍♀️). Anyway, the way he says "is that guilt" and "you let *your son* shoot him" (im obsessed) jesus there's a lot going on there. It seems like betrayal a bit (see also "i thought you were cold-blooded"). Also note how he's more fixated/upset over that part, Nick (and not Madison!) shooting Jeremiah instead of, you know, Jeremiah having been shot/murdered.

Also the infamous "I don't surrender" line, I mean, that's Troy in a nutshell, isn't it? No matter what is thrown his way, no matter how people treat him, he tries and tries again. He does so with Madison (I mean, right before she kills him he tries to move past all that shit right, tries again to connect with her), he also did so with his father, staying loyal to him, obedient, through all that abuse and humiliation and belittlement. I think the same is also true for his relationship with Jake, even though the cracks there can be seen, and also for his relationship with the people on the ranch at large. They talk about him, too, but he still protects them - I mean until he led the horde there, of course. But by that point he was dealing with a lot - his father's death, his own exile, Madison's 'betrayal'.... Anyway, I don't surrender, that is so very Troy. And maybe sometimes he'd like to surrender, give up and be done with everything but that's just not in his nature. Probably why he can't kill himself. Why he also keeps going, when Nick tells him "you can sleep when you're dead". Try, try again, even when people keep beating him down. Downright endearing if it weren't so heartbreaking.

Anyway, ep 9. The scene with Madison. I got distracted. The way he goes "hi" after he's done hitting Klah. The way he kept jabbing at her over Jeremiah's death "You hit your quota?" when she tells him "no more killing" (hahahah makes me laugh every time). The way the gun does not impress him at all. Just casually walking up to her. Mostly sure she won't kill him but I think he wouldn't have minded if she had, either. The voice break when he tells her "i know what you did". The expression he makes when he asks "and why wasn't it" after she goes "It should've been me". There's that betrayal. Sadness. Ok maybe also because his dad died. Maybe because they kept it from him. Maybe because she didn't ask *him* to do it.

And then, the very incomprehensible (he is the one that isn't comprehending. but then also he is. this is how it always goes, why would it be different with madison) "i thought you wanted me with you". As he asks he knows already she doesn't. But again, he's trying as much as he can, to get through to her. Until the heartbreaking "I'm tired. I'm so tired." That's probably as close as he gets in asking for help. He did it with Nick too later, in ep 12 ("I need sleep" he told him but he meant rest). He thought he'd die and these people just refuse to get the job done and so he has to live, live with all this loss and he just, he needs a break. So desperately that he says one of the most vulnerable things (so far). "Im so tired." Unfortunately Madison either doesn't hear it, or, more likely, doesn't think she can give in to that (no wonder, he did just attack her after all). And when that fails, this cry for help (in like Troy-speak), he goes. What else is there to do? He'll go and survive because that's what he does.

---

Now, ep 12, I love the confrontation between Jake and Troy (the little convo in between, between Nick and Troy - "murder, you really wanna go there, nick?" "still ricocheting in your skull, nick?" "you tell it best, nick. I don't want to steal your thunder" "don't say sorry to me, say sorry to him". It's lovely, all of it). And then of course the sibling confrontation. Also very lovely. We see Jake finally giving in to what he's wanted to do for a long time, I wager. He has been fed up with Troy since ep 1 (and before that too, I'm sure. Their interactions do tease a history between them).

"I love that sound" - also very much a contender for favorite line. Also gotta admit I thought he'd say something different (and more uh x-rated) when he went "I love that sound some love when a ball hits the fat of a bat, you know" Anyway, just another reminder that Troy loves all things to do with danger and control. (And I don't even think this has to be in the obvious way, where he loves to be in control, though I'm sure he does. But that he also loves the loss of it when in danger. When at the recieving end of a gun (you best believe I've got a story for this, too, 'fool me twice'... I'm sorry, I cannot stop the shameless self promotion....))

Also I just noticed, how he says "It's eviction or extinction" and you know who else got famously uhm evicted. Adam and Eve. So yeah, when he says "this is biblical" to Nick, the night before, to warn him, he really means it like that.

And then the bit between the two brothers. How Jake tries to impress upon Troy he'll really kill him "I'll shoot you brother, I will" and how Troy *doesn't even hesitate* to pull the trigger himself, almost like saying "fucking do it then". Or he is mocking him. Probably both, considering it's Troy. And he was right, wasn't he, to be mocking. Because Jake doesn't kill him (yet). But Troy tries to rile him up further. He almost sounds panicked in a way, but not in fear of his life. Maybe in fear of Jake *not* going through with it after all.

And then their whole rabbit bit, how Troy looks at Jake while he goes "rabbits they, they scream like human beings", that calculating look. How he interrupts Jake with this mocking laugh and a "oh, tell me about the rabbits" Jake is totally ignoring Troy's interruption, going "I still protected him" and Troy telling him "You left me, brother." And then Jake again, insistently "I always protected you!" and Troy isn't saying anything to that but he doesn't look amused anymore. God I wish Nick would've shut up so we'd really get into their grievances between the brothers. But sadly (or maybe not so sadly haha) he wanted to save Troy because he was feeling guilty about killing his dad. And it gave Troy the perfect opportunity to torture Nick about this, also very enjoyable. All in all, a great interaction all around.

Oh and of course the "you thinking of checking out? we could do it together" has me chanting death-wish, death-wish, death-wish hahahaha. I do think he'd have liked it to go together with his brother. It's sweet somehow. In a way it feels like he wants to help his brother on this journey. Like, then his death means something. And then how he licks his lips when Jake gets ready to shoot him. Is it anticipation, fear? Who knows. Would love to ask Daniel about it...

AND ALSO THE TITLE 'Brother's Keeper', that's a biblical phrase “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Cain said to God when God asked him where Abel was (and Cain had killed him). So I wonder, is Jake Cain then? I mean Jake *does* die and Cain, well, famously does not. But then, it's not Troy that kills Jake. It's Nick hitting Jake before Jake can kill Troy. Would Jake have even killed Troy? I'm not sure. I'm just sure that Troy would rather have died himself than seeing Jake die... anyway, "Am I my brother's keeper" I think this question taken at face value is actually Jake's gripe with Troy. That he feels he is made responsible (probably from a young age, given the little glimpse into the past we got via those video tapes) for keeping Troy in check. While, I imagine, Troy doesn't really listen to Jake (and Jake has no real power over Troy so he can reinforce his will), so a thoroughly frustrating experience for Jake, all in all. And yes, maybe this, assembling a horde and leading it to the ranch, would've given him enough motivation to be able to uhm enforce his will. But maybe not. I guess that's me saying, love the title, love also how we get a bit more insight into the brotherly relationship. Though I *so* wish we got into it even more. Like what did Troy mean when he said "Oh, tell me about the rabbits". Sounds like there's a story there (and yes I did try to imagine it in my story 'childhood memories').

This was a lovely ask, I enjoyed answering it. Thank you so much and have a great day 🧡

Also, I hope it's ok to invite people to jump in, if they feel like it, and share their favorite Troy scene. I'm so very curious 👀 gimme, gimme (also don't feel the need to ramble on like I did hahaha, though if you want to, have at it!)

#ask #troy otto #madison clark #jake otto #nick clark #ftwd #let's make this a group activity #your all time favorite troy otto scene #go

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bratshaws · 2 years

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through the hourglass 16. brb x oc

a/n: is the upcoming smut possibly one of the filthiest I've ever written.........mayhaps. LISTEN IM TRYING TO BUILD THINGS UP OKAY IM TRYING

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: none, just fluff uwu

goodness gracious (pls read this one to know more what this fic is about!!)

chapter

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15

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Beatrice looks over her shoulder after setting the bag on the hanger by the door, seeing Rooster partially hidden in the shadows with his shoulder leaned against the door frame. She furrows her brows with a small smile “What’s gotten into you tonight? You are acting suspicious.”

He steps out of the shadows, walking past a sleeping Jolene to meet Beatrice halfway in the living room, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and dropping his mouth to her neck, “Am I? I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hm.” Beatrice isn’t convinced, “You were particularly more touchy tonight at the bar and, when I went on my break you didn’t seem to want to let me go.” she turned her narrowed gaze back at her husband, who just grinned against her skin, pressing a trail of kisses up to her cheekbone then her lips, pulling back with a soft smack. Beatrice didn’t mind Rooster’s method of affection, not at all. but seeing him go up a notch was always interesting.

“Is it my fault my wife is so hot?” he questions, making Beatrice’s smile turn bashful and her eyes move to the side. He does step back then, letting go of her waist but taking hold of her hand, “There’s nothing wrong with a man who enjoys his wife’s beauty.”

“Roos…”

“What? You know I never tire of telling you how hot you are.” he murmurs,pressing their foreheads together with a smile, “And you go look, beautiful all the time.” her cheeks darkened even in the dark, her soft laugh only making his heart beat faster.

“Is it because of the pictures and videos I sent you?”

He takes in a sharp breath, letting out a short hummed laugh because she wasn’t wrong. He couldn’t stop thinking about those pictures the whole day, all the wanted was to see her dressed up like that just for him, “Maybe.” he says, kissing the tip of his nose, “But you don’t need those to make me feel things, you know?”

Beatrice smiles more, biting her lower lip as she grabs his other hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb, “I know.” she whispers and Rooster sees she’s trying her hardest to hold back a yawn only to fail at the end, blinking hard at him, “Sorry, I’m tired.”

“The Hard Deck got a lot of people lately, gorgeous. I don’t blame you at all.” he reassures her, he wouldn’t do anything beyond kissing with her so tired and honestly, so was he. They needed some sleep for the night, they had to get ready for Evelyn’s party on Saturday after all. “Come on,let’s get to bed.”

Beatrice yawns again, dropping her head on his shoulder as they walk up the stairs, her arms wrapped around his middle with her eyelids barely open, just enough for her to see where she was going and not trip over herself in the process. He was so comfortable that Beatrice felt her whole body relax the longer she had her head on his shoulder, smiling sweetly as she heard his voice calling her name, “I’m fine.”

“I know you are,” he says, “You are snoozing on my arm, gorgeous.”

She giggles, blearily opening her eyes, “M’ sorry.” another yawn, “I really am tired, I hope I don’t get like this during Ev’s party, it’d be…really bad if I just napped on her couch wouldn’t it?”

Rooster smirks, caressing her cheek, “It’d be really cute, baby.” and Beatrice’s response was just yet another sleepy smile, stepping away from him to enter the bathroom to change. Bradley stood by the doorway, watching her disappear and then rubbed his hands over his face. In reality, he was still thinking about the pictures, in reality he wanted to make all his ideas reality but he would not, not tonight, with her tired like that.

While he was a man of self control sometimes his brain short circuited when it came to Beatrice, with reason if he was honest to himself. She was not only his wife, but she was beautiful and she had no idea the amount of power she had in those soft hands of hers. He hears the shower running and sits down on the edge of the bed, with his hands between his open legs, interlaced with his eyes still looking at the bathroom door.

As Beatrice was busy inside, he took this moment of silence to think of everything for a little bit. They’ve been married two weeks already and he couldn’t be happier. Some of the older Navy officers, the ones he did invite to the wedding, joked that he should enjoy it while it lasted, that as soon as the honeymoon phase ended they’d start the real married life. He knew it wouldn’t be the sea of roses but he didn’t think the two of them would bicker and argue all the time.

He told the officers that him and his wife had a healthy relationship, the two of them talked about everything and anything, if they had issues they could resolve it. He couldn’t understand those people who immediately thought that bickering with their partner is the way to go after the first years pass. It was pretty stupid if he was being honest.

So, while they did laugh at him saying he’d ‘bite those words in the near future’ , Bradley didn’t care because he knew Beatrice and Beatrice knew him. It was that simple.

Speaking of Beatrice, she walked out of the shower with her large Ozzy sleeping shirt and shorts, rubbing her face soon after, yawning quietly. When she looked up to see his smiling face, her own lips quirked into a grin, “Hi.”

“Hey, gorgeous.” he whispers, hovering his hands by her hips until she steps between his legs, finally resting them on the curve of her waist, “Good shower?” she nodded, some strands of hair were a bit damp because of water, sticking to her skin.

“It was really nice,” she slides on his lap, sitting down and immediately placing her cheek on his shoulder. There was nothing sensual in that, as much as he desired to, because Beatrice’s breathing slowed just a bit and he could feel her body immediately relax once she got herself seated. One of his huge hands went up to her back, while the other held her thigh to keep her steady.

“You okay, babe?”

“Mhm.” she whispers, “I’m comfy.”

Bradley’s laughter makes her body shake just a bit, just enough for her to lift her head and meet his eyes. She was having a very hard time keeping herself awake but she smiled at him nonetheless, “Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not making fun of you, gorgeous.” he assures her, kissing the tip of her nose and smiling more when she scrunched it, “I’m just thinking how cute you are, how absolutely fucking cute you are. That’s why I’m laughing.”

“Hm.” the brunette tries to squint playfully but her eyes just close automatically, so she sighs, getting herself up from his lap so he could get in the shower this time, “I’ll let that slide.” she cups his face in her hands, kissing his lips repeatedly, “Because you are cute.”

He smiles against her lips, their kissing never breaking as he stands up, she just tilted her head up to keep the liplock going. He pulls back with a soft smack sound, kissing her forehead,”I’ll be right back.” he says, rubbing her chin one last time, stepping around her to get into the bathroom.

Beatrice smiles, sleepily, as she sits down on the bed, picking up her phone to turn it off, tossing it aside once the screen turned black. She looked over her shoulder when she heard Jolene’s claws clicking out to their bedroom, the pittie slowly making her way inside, “Hey, cutie.” she coos when Jolene gets closer, her tail wagging in greeting, pressing her chin on Beatrice’s knee so she could be petted.

Beatrice did so, then looked down at her dog with a small frown, “Did you gain weight Jojo? You look a bit chonkier than normal.” Bea comments, running her hand down to her dog’s stomach, frowning more when she noticed that indeed she was a bit thicker in the middle, “That’s strange, we haven’t changed your diet.”

Jolene just sighed, closing her eyes while enjoying the petting, only to stand up after a while and lie down by the foot of their bed, the sock monkey left behind on top of their rug. Rooster walks out of the bathroom, fixing his sleeping shorts as well and running his hands through his hair, “Hey Jojo, what are you doing here?” he immediately turns from the bed to the lying pitbull, the repetitive thumping of her tail hitting the floor followed Rooster’s baby talking.

“Do you think she gained weight?” Bea asks, “She appears a bit thicker in the middle.”

Bradley looks from Jolene to Beatrice then back at the dog, gently turning her to her side to check her tummy himself, “Maybe a little,the weather is changing. She’s probably getting winter weight.”

“I guess so.” Bea mutters, watching him walk to his side of the bed and lie down, “Should we take her to the vet?”

“I don’t think it’s that serious, unless she has changes in appetite and whatnot, I just think she’s enjoying her treats a little bit more, is all.” he sighs once his head hits the pillow, Beatrice following just as closely and he turns to see her green eyes looking at him already, “What, gorgeous?”

Beatrice just smiles, shrugging, “You always know how to calm me down, no matter what.” she whispers, turning on her side to have a better vision of him, “...does that tire you?”

“What? Helping you?” he sputters with his brows furrowed “No, it doesn’t.” Beatrice smiles more, looking at her hands this time instead of his eyes, so Rooster turns to face her better, “You do the same to me.”

“I like helping you.”

“And I like helping you.” he smirks, using his hand to support his head upright, “Not only because I’m your husband and I love you more than I loved anything else,” cue to her cheeks turning bright red, “But because I know how much you endured, gorgeous and I don’t want you to go through that again because of me, you know?”

“I know.” she says, scooting closer to him, kissing his lips sweetly, “And I appreciate it. A lot…you are a wonderful person, Roos.” she could see in his eyes that he didn’t think so, but he didn’t say it out loud, “And that’s not only because you are my handsome husband, whom I love dearly.”

Bradley smirks more,leaning down to kiss the top of her head, “I know, baby.” he looks back at his watch to check the time, “We better go to bed, angel.” he didn’t have to finish the sentence because Beatrice’s eyes were already drooping, lashes fluttering slowly as she tried to keep her eyelids open, “Because you are almost gone, huh?”

She didn’t reply, because her breathing immediately got even and her eyes closed, her hands tucked between his chest and her own and her chin on his shoulder, her soft breathing hitting his chest. He looks down at her one final time, then leans down to kiss her head, “Night,baby.” and he turns off the lamp on his side.

Beatrice wakes up before he does, which is rare, it almost never happens. They usually wake up together, but her sleep was gone in a matter of seconds. She blinks her eyes slowly, inhaling quietly as she looks at Bradley’s sleeping face, his mouth parted just the tiniest bit with soft snores vibrating out of him.

She turns her body to check the time, seeing it was five in the morning, but since she couldn’t really fall back asleep she just decided to prepare breakfast while he was sleeping still. She knew he would wake up in just a few minutes too and would meet her downstairs, so when she slowly got up from the bed - after kissing his chin and smiling at his soft grunting of her name - she tried to be as quiet as she could to not wake him up.

However, his arms immediately latched around her waist and Rooster, with his eyes still closed, muttered a “Where you goin’?” he asks sleepily, voice deeper and slurred.

“I’m going to prepare us breakfast, Roos.” she explains, “If you let me go, that is.”

“Mmmm…how ‘bout you stay here.” he continues, pulling her closer to him, “‘Cause I can’t not have you here right now.”

Beatrice giggles, nuzzling his nose before kissing his lips, “You will get no breakfast like this.” and she let out a yelp when he suddenly flips them over so she’s lying on top of him and his hands are sliding under the soft fabric of her shorts to grab her butt, but he does nothing more than that, kissing her forehead again and letting his nose rest on top of her scalp, breathing in the lavender scent with a little grin.

“You smell so good.” he mutters, “I love how you always smell like lavender.”

“Well, it is my favorite scent and flower, Roos.”

“It reminds me of you a lot too.” he says, kissing her cheekbone,”I can never smell lavender again and not think of you…you know, when I first was deployed after we started dating, I had a dream I was with you. It was so real and the smell was so strong, I was genuinely confused when I noticed where I was.”

Beatrice’s brow lower and her smile turns sad, “You never told me that, Brad.” she whispers, adjusting herself on top of him so she could have a better look at his face, “Did it happen again?”

“No, not really. I think it was just that one time, you were the first actual relationship I had in years, gorgeous. I guess I was trying to get used to it, you know? But, no, it hasn’t happened again.” and he was glad, because the disappointment of always waking up and not seeing Beatrice next to him was always disheartening. Beatrice smiles sweetly , then rests her chin between his pectorals,pillowing her head with her arms as she looks up at him.

“I miss you a lot when you are gone.” she says softly, “...but I also know that you have to do it, and I don’t want to put that sort of pressure on you, you know? I want you to be safe and I want you to return to me.” she proceeds to draw spirals on the golden skin of his chest with the tip of her nail, resting her cheek on the back of her arm with a gentle sigh, “And I know how stressful it is, how stressful it can be, so I don’t want to add more on your shoulders.”

Bradley looks down at her with an unreadable gaze, then smiles, cupping the side of her face with his hand, “You are far too precious for this fucking world, Bea.” her cheek warm up under his hold, “You worry so much about me and my wellbeing.” and he isn't saying that to make her feel bad, he’s always filled with wonder and love whenever she mentions it to him, whenever she wants to protect him or save him for something.

She did it several times, with the main ones he remembered being with Chloe and Eric, that punch still echoed in his mind from time to time. He was very thankful for it, because after his mother died…he refused to be helped, refused to be protected, he didn't want to, he didn’t need to, he wanted to be good and do good. He was filled with pain and fears, but he had to hide it if he wanted to be successful in his career.

Perhaps what made him feel so…alive when it came to Beatrice was that Bea didn’t see him as Rooster the pilot, she saw him as Rooster - as Bradley - the guy who was putty in her hands and would always choose her over anything else. She said how much she felt he was out of her league and yet she always saw him as anything but his rank, she saw him…as him. As a man.

And he was thankful for it. He’s been living as a Lieutenant for so long, hiding shit for so long that it felt wonderful to let it go to someone like she was. And yet, she didn’t seem to grasp how much she made for him, “I just want to help you.” she says gently, cupping the hand he had against her cheek, “That’s all.”

His heart swelled with adoration and he kissed her lips again, enjoying how her giggles tickled his lips, “God you are so cute.” another squeak leaves her lips when he flips them over so he’s on top of her this time, “How dare you be this cute?”

Beatrice’s flushed lips curled into a charming grin and her smaller hands held his face, leaning up to peck his lips one more time. They stood like that, sharing soft kisses and gentle laughing until it was time to finally get up. Bradley sat on the edge of the bed with Beatrice scooting forward so her feet touched the floor, his hand immediately catching hers when she stood to her feet, “Hey,” her head turned to him with her eyes more alert, “I love you.”

And her smile turned absolutely angelic, the faint sliver of sunlight touched her face and hair, “I love you too…what do you want for breakfast? You have a bit of time before going to work too so I can make you something more elaborate?”

“Mmm…nah,I’m good with the old toast and scrambled eggs.” he smirks, pulling her hand up to his lips so he could kiss her knuckles, then stands to his feet, “I’m going to shower and change, gorgeous. See you downstairs?”

“You bet.” she stands on her tiptoes to kiss him again, smiling against his mouth before backing away, walking out of the room. Bradley lets out a happy sigh, running his hands through his hair as he wakes up fully, slapping his cheeks lightly to help. Jolene remained lying down on the rug, her big eyes following Rooster as he walked around, gathering his uniform, the sock monkey nestled under her jaw.

Which, while unusual, only made Rooster grin, “You going to keep me company, Jojo?” the dog just blinks in response, so he leans down to gently scratch her head. “That’s fine,I’ll get you some of those nice chicken skin snacks, how about it? You deserve a good breakfast treat too.” she thumped her tail with excitement, closing her eyes when Rooster leans down to peck her head, then stands back up to enter the bathroom.

As he’s busy taking a shower, Beatrice busies herself preparing their breakfast, turning on the TV to have a bit of a background noise while she cooked. She pushed the toaster handle down after setting the table, humming a song as the news played in the background. She didn’t care much about it, she just liked having a bit of a noise as she worked around the kitchen, casually looking back at the tv to check what was going on for a brief second.

Rooster’s boots hit the steps as he walked down,fixing his watch on his wrist with Jolene right behind him, sock monkey in her maw. He stops adjusting his watch to look to the same direction Beatrice was, “Rain this weekend?”

“They think it’s a storm.” Beatrice comments, handing him his mug and smiling when he thanks her with a kiss, “We’ll have to take things out of the backyard if it is, or else we’ll lose furniture.”

He laughs quietly, bringing the mug to his lips with a pleased hum, “Your coffee is amazing, thank you babe.” he kisses her again, watching her walk to the toaster with her cheeks red, “I can do that Saturday morning, just to be safe.” he marches to the cabinet where they kept Jolene’s treats, the sound making the pitbull’s head appear on the threshold with her pink tongue licking her maw with interest.

Beatrice smiles when she hears Jolene’s crunching sound as she chews the chicken skin treat, before she turns to him with his breakfast ready and her own on the counter, “I can help you.” he just makes a face, letting her know he’ll be fine and she shouldn’t worry, “I want to, though.”

“Hey, sometimes I just want to be a gentleman to my wife,” he shrugs, spreading his arms a bit, “Is that so wrong?”

Beatrice’s smile widens, “You don’t have to worry about that.” she says sweetly, sipping her coffee before joining him on the kitchen table, admiring him yet again and especially loving how wavy his hair was that morning, “...so,” she begins, tapping her fingers on the coffee mug, “We’ll be Gomez and Morticia then?”

He slows his chewing, eyes subtly dropping down to her chest then back to her eyes, ‘Yes ma’am, it was the plan last year wasn’t it?” she nods with a small grin, “Plus there isn’t a lot of characters I can be and I refuse to shave.”

“I’d be very upset if you did shave.” she says quickly and that makes him arch his brow at her, “I-I mean…I like your mustache, can you blame me?” his lips quirk in a proud smirk and he leans back on his seat, licking his teeth clean, waiting for her to elaborate, “I…I just…you know,” liked the way it brushed against her skin whenever he kissed her, “...I like it.”

Rooster’s eyes narrowed playfully and his arms crossed over his chest, but he just nodded his head to the side, “Alright. That’s fair enough…that reminds me though…that, other one.” he begins, his throat immediately drying as he remembered it, “...the other costume, you brought it back too,right?”

“I did, it’s in the closet. It has another one too, because the fabric gets a bit frail in some areas so if you need an extra there’s one.” she explains, seeing her husband’s pupils enlarge, “Why you ask?”

“Curiosity.” was his immediate response, “Just curiosity.”

And the atmosphere got heavier, so heavy that Beatrice felt it could be cut with a knife, “Well…I-I can use it some other day. Maybe next year,” his eyes never left hers as she said it, “...or on Penny’s Halloween Party later this month-”

“No.”

“No?”

He sounded way too rude so he immediately cleared his throat, “Sorry,I didn’t mean don’t use it. I’m just saying that…well,” he licks his lips, tapping his fingers against the table’s surface, “Well, it can…be used some other time that isn’t halloween.” Beatrice blinks at him for a few seconds, digesting his words until something clicks in her mind and her lips part in a:

“Oooh.” her blush spreads from her cheeks to her chest, “...I-I see, well, I can do that. I can use it in some other way.”And if there was one way to describe Rooster's smirk towards her after she said it, it'd be absolutely predatory.

#bradley rooster bradshaw #rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x oc #top gun maverick #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw x female reader #bradley bradshaw x named reader

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dualityvn · 2 years

Note

and so my suffering begins anew

'two gods' 'the paint and the canvas'

presuming that the paint and the canvas Are the two gods in question, because i doubt even you would be so cruel to throw out fake hints like that, what exactly does that mean

now to state this right out of the gate, i know like,, nothing about religions so if this has any bearing on real world religions i for one will be totally blind to it so we will be working under the assumption that it does not

so to me, the paint and the canvas seem to be descriptors of like, the purpose that a god would serve. like one would be the foundation, the mainstay, the origin, 'the canvas', while the other is the embellishment, the life, the decoration, 'the paint'. separately they don't measure up to much, the canvas is empty and boring and the paint has no where to go to display its wonder. but together they form the two halves needed to create a whole, a full, a painting.

they cannot exist to their highest degree without the other, and so they are reliant upon each other. since we know like,, nothing about them at this point i cant say if this is an arrangement that they are happy with or that they dislike or what.

i am however going to take some liberties drawing potential parallels with our main boys, Keith and Tenebris. it did not escape my detective nose that the very first hint towards this that we received was that there are two (2) gods, with Nightmare going out of her way to make the point known that there are 2 (two), much like our leading lads.

and just like Keith and Tenebris, these two also seem to be inseparable. im not making the claim that Keith and Tenebris are these two gods, but i do think they are connected in some deeper way. my mind is drawn back to 'Magic Man', (the sus guy with the scar who talked to Keith about the MC after their first meeting) because if any of the known characters would have some connection to higher divinity at this point it feels like it would be him. he's also sus and definitely knows more about the situation.

another reason i dont think 'paint' and 'canvas' refer to Keith and Tenebris directly is because im having a hard time isolating either of them to those roles. that could just be because im writing this at 1 am but im not sure. i guess Keith could be considered for the role of canvas because they are both in his body, and Tenebris is the more 'bright' and 'noticeable' of the two, considering the fact that he's literally blue, but it just doesn't feel right since i think those terms are meant to refer to the gods more than the boys.

maybe its like a,, like a chosen vessel thing. like the gods pointed at poor Keith in his mothers stomach and poor Tenebris in a field somewhere and said "yooo this is gonna be funken sick and also poetically line up so well" and just yanked Tenebris into Keiths body so that they could have a physical representation of themselves on earth for some deep reason. or maybe just for kicks, who knows. i certainly don't. i never know until i manage to throw enough pasta at the wall that some of it sticks and im left there alone in my kitchen with pasta water on the floor and a mess that im going to have to clean up at some point.

i digress. if my last point is at least somewhere in the realm of reality then we will maybe finally be close to starting to figure out my last big question from my first round as theory anon, "why and how did this happen to Keith and Tenebris in the first place". Until this point there has been absolutely nothing to even begin trying to ponder that question, but the idea that there are two (2) gods that seem to be unable to exist without the other, the symbolism is just to yummy for it to not be related

for now tho, i am cold and tired and it is now 1:15 and i started this at like 12:30 so im putting a pin in this until Nightmare responds to this aks with the usual cyrptic answers that are always Just Enough to get me thinking. i am going to bed good night

Long theory asks are always so yummy. But you're right! The canvas is the one that created the structure, rules and everything that keeps things together. The paint made colors, emotions, smells, tastes, sensations, the differences between species, and what makes each creature, plant, rock or grain of sand unique.

And no, Keith and Tenebris are not gods. The gods don't really come up in the game at all. It's just world lore that may become important in other games :)

#duality game #yandere #dating sim #visual novel

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mordeiswrld · 2 years

Text

“Im drained...im unmotivated...im tired...im done. So many hurtful things have been said to me by the ones who were supposed to care for me...i still rememeber it, and some of it still goes on. Why do I remember the things that hurt me...?”

“Wear some makeup maybe that’ll make it better” -because i wouldnt smile for a picture i didnt wanna be in

“She’s a grown woman she knows what she’s doing”- my great grabdmother & mom when i got mad about my siblings (1-2 and 6-7 years old) being out without me and with my grandma who hasnt had a baby in over a decade

“You need to stop dressing that way”- my great grandma when i showed up to my her house in an oversized sweater

“Your too young”- my mom when i told her i wanted a binder and that i was a boy at 11-12 years old

“ive always wanted a boy”- my mom. Then she got what she wanted and started being ‘better’ as if she couldn’t do that with her 1st 2 kids

“Yeah mhm, or girl what?😒”-my mom, dismissing me whenever i try to tell her something im happy about

“You need to start talking to your grandparents”- my mom everytime i ask her for something, now im scared to ask since everything i ask for is “too much” even though she buys herself stuff everyday

“Ill talk to him”- my mom whenever me and my dad get into our fights...it never gets better and she never talks to him and always takes his side

“Shut the fuck up”- my dad whenever i try to explain something to him even if it’s not that serious(its never that serious)

“Stop being selfish”- my dad whenever i say no to my siblings using my stuff that is strictly MINE and that i dont have to share if i dont want to

“Watch your brother” my dad almost all the time everyday and they’ll just be lying around doing nothing with the excuse of ‘i work i need a break’ you dont need a break all damn week while i have to go to school and handle your wild 3 year old while your in your mid 30s

“Sounds like a personal problem” my mom whenever i tell her that I genuinely can't handle my siblings and am on the verge of snapping (violently)

“Maybe if you had a bedtime then yknow...i dont wanna have to say it”- my mom around her friend talking about my low grade in a class and thinking its bc of electronics when in reality my mental health is in hell and ive been crying more than usual and i dont have the motivation to keep pushing on anymore, but she thinks im up at 12:30 bc of a phone...

“Congratulations”- my mom when i show her my all As. But won’t be as nice and be a bit irritated that i got a low C in something she knows I struggle in

“I'm so proud of you”- my dad hugging me for the straight As. He doesnt hug me ever and he never says those words to me. Not even when its a minor accomplishment

“Has your father ever told you he loves you?” my mom years ago in a random parking lot that got me realizing last week that he never says he loves me willingly, he has to be forced

“I'm obligated to be there” my grandfather after getting married and never calling us to see how we are

“Your ___ eye is bigger than your ___” my friend. I always liked my eyes growing up...not anymore

“She ugly as hell” my 9th grade classmate he just says it whenever he can. I dont even have to be talking to him

It’s getting worse day by day...nothing i do is enough...im tired..

admin zjay

#family #mental health issues #family issues #daddy issues #mommy issues #tw depressing thoughts #kinda depressing #tw depressing stuff #mentalheathawareness #thoughts #what do i even do #im too much #im too far gone #im too young for this #im too tired for this #goodnight #im finally done

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m1ckeyb3rry · 19 days

Note

Ok I’m just gonna merge and put my response to both responses here so I don’t keep double sending stuff into your inbox LMAO

Tbh from what I’ve seen he’s still a pretty volatile player (maybe he’s got brother trauma too) so your kiyora probably cooks LOL

TRUE I do enjoy the Prince yuki duo…imagine Chris giving him tips on training to help him build up stamina so he doesn’t get as tired and strain his eyes as much I’m crying….pause Chris cameo in yuki oaeu….youre onto something

FS I lowk forgot about kurona for a min (sorry bro) but Reo’s physicality esp after the training with Chris would seriously up the plays that Isagi could make too omg I have to admit I’m mainly in it for the character development though LMAOO like Reo and Isagi becoming besties /hj Id honestly love to see them interact more on good terms because a good chunk of what we’ve seen now is Reo being like “Isagi give me back my loser” I dying with the nagi slander hiori would totally be like “if he can haul his ass out of bed to kick a ball maybe I should start moving too” but LMAOOOO I actually laughed out loud the “your mom” comment is BRUTAL I can totally see it happening like Kaiser crumples on spot gripping his next and Nagi’s just standing like wtf is “your mom” that powerful maybe I should try “deez nuts” next time (imagine he does and Kaiser just stares at him like wtf are you 12) Noel noa and Nagi being the ceos of no thoughts brain empty to the point that they have no other option and it forces a Nagi awakening…

I’m just imagining a mean girl powerpuff trio….i guess by color default Rins buttercup and hiori is bubbles so Nagi’s gotta be blossom LMAO I see the vision though

I can imagine asks being distracting especially since our convo is always so long LMAOO (I live for it though) Mira on that grind…flashbacks to your mention of that one baby Justin Bieber audio (I love how I can remember this but not whether or not I’ve sent in an ask)

OH IM WALKING ALRIGHT let’s go grab coffee while we’re at it I think you’re gonna wanna sit down for this convo…ok but wait this is actually dangerous you can’t just drop this thought into my mind and dip!! Yotd x bllk crossover…hold on….im ngl it has been a bit since I’ve watched but imagine aiku or Otoya as jaeha too…both personality wise and color…

Ok now kiyora notes response response LOL

OFCCC and tbh I figured you’d be on the mark with his character (as usual) LMAOO miraverse just too powerful…

Ok wait I think the street fighter thing fits with him perfectly…like he’s always raring to go with breakdance battles and whatnot so I can lowk see it? He lowk would be a street dancer I feel in bllkverse so not that far off in terms of vibes I feel…we also saw him straight up squaring up with Nagi (soccer wise though) in epinagi LMAO so definitely a relatively combative character

LMFAOOOO that panel is so funny but FR thinking back on epinagi where Karasu insinuates that Kiyoras the weak link of the team and kiyoras like “you wanna go bro??” it all makes sense…makes me more excited for epinagi though I wanna see how they interact mid match!! Maybe Karasu and Otoya really were carrying their team (as expected) I’m also crying because from the clip I saw the HEIGHT DIFFERENCE the top of kiyora head reaches like the middle of Karasu ear they really said “ok time to really show how small he is”

- Karasu anon

HAHA i’m abt to post in the next hour or so i hope so you can see for yourself 🙂‍↕️ also side note i can’t stop using the head nod emoji JFNSKKS

AWW no because chris somehow getting involved and teaming up w aiku too?? he gives very blustery sweet but embarrassing uncle vibes where he def has no clue what’s going on but he’s doing his best…gasses up yuki whenever he sees reader meanwhile aiku is giving yuki tips to pull…absolutely insane combo LMAOAO honestly the best part of the oaeu is how many random combos that i can write about (for example i think the premise of the nagi one is going to be that aiku’s going on a double date and he needs another guy who’s going to make him look good in comparison so he picks nagi who’s like tall/cute/athletic enough to not embarrass aiku but uninterested and weird enough to not steal aiku’s thunder but then he accidentally DOES steal aiku’s thunder so he becomes aiku’s opp 😭 aiku turns into the anti wingman fr meanwhile reo and chigiri are like “nagi likes a woman???” so they’re beefing w aiku as well because they need nagi to touch grass FJDJSJSJ)

EXACTLYYY it would help isagi develop as a player and reo develop as a person >>>> no because hiori is def like hold on if THIS idiot can enjoy himself playing maybeeee it’s not thatttt bad 😩 PLS nagi thinks kaiser is just weak to fortnite insults so he’s like “kaiser do you know what happened to candice” and kaiser is like ? who IS candice ? and nagi’s like “candice nuts fit in your mouth 🤣” kaiser considers ending it because wdym he has the most fuck ass immature teammate ever 😰 also wait imagine wildcard kunigami but with nagi instead of isagi 😭 he’s all emo and traumatized and nagi is just like wow you have big muscles it reminds me of barou 👍 or he’d accidentally bring up how he beat him in the 3v3 and it would make poor kuni spiral 😓 also a nagi + kunigami bm vs rin + shidou pxg feels like such an ultimate second selection get back like they def wouldn’t win because plot but it would be insane!! LMAOOO forget nagi developing a new ego because he’s creative or curious he’s forced to because noel noa is NOT abt to help him in any way shape or form 😟

LMAOOO no i love our convos but sometimes i have to just lock in 😩 HAHA the justin bieber audio is a miraverse staple like that’s literally me writing about sooo many random characters it’s unreal (but very enjoyable!!)

i thought abt otoya for jaeha but i feel like jaeha is more extroverted than otoya (plus ponytail) so i thought reo fit better!! although i can def see the aiku vision especially because jaeha is much older than all of the other dragons…also lowkey kaiser kinda serves soowon (cunty blond) it’s too perfect HAHA i’m just thinking yk 🤭

miraverse always ends up connected to canon even unintentionally 🤫 i do agree considering he likes when people provoke him it just made sense to me to put him in that au!! and yeahhh bro karasu is actually kinda mean to kiyora but honestly that’s just the tabito signature like love him but he is top ten assholes in bllk (he’s just joking around though so it’s okay) HAHA okay wait kiyora and i are almost the same height (he’s 165 cm and i’m 163 cm) so that’s good to know for ah…research purposes…hehe so basically i’d barely even come up to the middle of karasu’s ear 🤗 that checks out though because i knew a guy who was 6’3 (nagi’s height) and i deadass had to actively look up to talk to him it kinda made things awkward though because even hugging was lowkey a gymnastic endeavor 😭 i’m perfectly alright w lime 5’9 that’s still tall to me (also that’s otoya’s height i believe…so basically more proof that miraeita 🔛🔝‼️)

#answered asks

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alexisnotstraight · 27 days

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a more personal rant than usual :/

if you would feel uncomfortable by knowing really personal stuff about me, dont read this :)

this is a little bit long and im sure has a lot of grammatical errors and shit like that, but i really dont have anyone to rant. also im sorry but this is gonna be maybe really depressing, not my usual happy, exclamation marks user :( sorry

tw for sh and suicidal thoughts

today i was going to go sleep at 12 pm as usual. i went to say goodnight to my mom and brother, i was so tired more mentally than physically tbh. i just said "this has been the worst couple of months of my whole life", my mom asked why and i told her that i didn't know, that i just felt really miserable. she went to the bathroom without really reacting to what i said. my brother stayed and sat beside me, i was already crying.

these last couple of months have been awful, i dont think i have ever felt so miserable in my entire life. i go to sleep wishing i was dead, i wake up in the middle of the night wishing i was dead, i then waste 13 hours consuming media to numb my brain from self destructive thoughts.

it got kinda better within a couple of days, still hating myself but more quietly this time, i have been struggling with self harm for the last couple of months, i did it every day for a while, then i got clean for a month, then i relapsed, then i got clean again, then i relapsed, then i got clean again, every time i spent less and less time clean. so i finally decided i wanted to leave it for good, no how hard it will be, i wanted to get clean.

before going to sleep today i started to unfortunately think again, my head realized that so i just thought to myself "oh, youre getting suicidal again, alex". thats when i realized how fucked up i am. no one should ever think "youre getting suicidal AGAIN", so when my brother sat in front of me i just started crying.

i never cry in front of him, i dont like to cry in front of people in general. if he sees me crying its because i saw some bad sad movie, nothing too personal. we dont talk a lot neither, if we talk its about business or some meaningless talk about cats or dr pepper. last time i hugged him it was early 2018, we're coworkers and we act like it.

i said i felt really miserable, he said that we all feel like that nowadays, i said ive been feeling like this since june. he was nice, he didn't make me feel stupid for having feelings or completely ignore me when i show some kind of negative emotion like my mom does. he is nice, i love him, i hope he knows that. he then took me to the store so i could go outside and have direct sunlight in me for the first time in weeks, i saw a goat.

i hope everything gets better, i really do. i want to get old, maybe be that weid uncle that has weird stories and knows way too much celebrity drama. maybe have kids at some point, idk this world is too fucked, im pretty sure i will die alone. well my kom told me that i will never die alone because i will never die. i still dont know how to feel about that. i want to have a life, be able to at least make it to 20.

i feels awful right now tho, i went to sleep every day wanting to be happy again. i dont wanna be happy anymore, i just wanna be okay.

the girl that used to be my best friend and i haven't talked since January 1st :/

we talked every day for 2 years but i always felt that the friendship was one sided, so the first day of 2024 i decided i will not be the first one to always reach out. she never texted me again. i really liked her, she was the only person i had to talk to. i came out as pansexual to her and since then things sstarted feeling weird, she didn't answer texts and was kinda cold when she did. when i was going through grief and just trying to deal with the really recent loss of someone i loved, she wasn't there. she explicitly told me she will be there if i needed anything, then proceeded to ignore all of my texts, i was crying every day non stop but after she didn't answer i thought that it maybe was because my sadness made her uncomfortable, so i just tried to be happier and fake to be my usual self for her, because i wanted to be happy, i didn't care if i was dying inside, as long as she didn't keave me everything will be okay. last night i realized shes actually bisexual, so if she started acting all weird on me it wasn't because of my sexuality, it was for me just being me i guess. i dont know how to feel about that. she was literally the only friend i had, i would've really liked having someone to talk to in these months.

grief hasn't been so bad lately, almost 10 months without him. it still feels like shit, i wish i could hear his voice again. i miss hearing him sing that stupid love song i hated so much. i tried looking for a video of him, see if someone had posted something after he died. nothing. i haven't heard his voice in 9 months, every day im going a little bit more insane. i dreamed about him a couple of days ago, i told him goodbye, i hugged him and kissed his cheek, he told me everything will be okay. i want to believe him so bad.

i hope everything gets better, i have been clean for a couple of days now, i dont know how many, i dont like keeping count it just makes me want to relapse more than i already want to. ive been trying to drink more water, i haven't been eating that much, i mostly eat once at day. i still somehow managed to gain weight, a pair of pant that i didn't want to wear last month because they were too big for me and always feel now fit me like a glove. i dont know how to feel about that neither.

anyways, I'll try to be happy. i know once i come out my mom wont accept me. im broke and not old enough to move out, so im trying to save money to move when i finally get the change. i know thats when i will be happier. so now im just trying to enjoy the time i have left with my mom.

i hope everything gets better, i really do

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reisdump · 8 months

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Yk the trope i hate the most... "FRIENDS TO LOVERS"

I wasn't always like this..FTL trope used to be my fav, like its literally my biggest dream, like to have my male best friend as my lover..but that went straight downhill when I date my best friend back in 2019...I was so happy at first, like even the little things would make me giggle, act all girly and all (which wasn't really so me). But after a month, everything ended..I've dreamed of everything..graduating our grade 12 tgt, dating in college, cafe dates, getting married EVERYTHING to the point that ppl will think im insane bc I LOVE HIM SM. I was so hurt, like my heart literally broke into pieces..I hurts, so fucking much to the point that I got sick. Ever since then, I have never thought of dating again..like ever.

It's been 5 years already since then, I've moved on and completely healed... but the fear of getting heartbroken and all those things again traumatized me so bad that I still haven't dated anyone again.. I have this fear, of being in pain again..or maybe the fear of being abandoned by someone again, as if im some object that they can just throw away when they got tired of it.

I'm in my 2nd year of college now, studying for my bachelors..I have this friend, a MALE best friend from our senior, we clique off really well since the day we met..we literally hang out everywhere despite the age gap..ppl would suspect us, but we both knew that it was purely platonic(or maybe only for me?) and feel as if we don't need to explain or deny to anyone. We've been friends for almost a year now, I treat him just like my older brother since I don't have one and always envied to have one. I used to have thoughts like "Oh, he must be the one God gave me as my older brother, someone who will stick by my side and defend for me"..I was so grateful to have him, and really admire him as my best friend and as an older brother. I really thought it was all like that way, even for him but NO, it wasn't. It was that I was just too oblivious.

We were talking abt random stuff last night, and idk how we got into that topic but he somehow just started confessing his feelings for me, saying something like "I used to wonder, how do you want me to confess/propose? I've been thinking hard and know its gonna be hard bc you have high expectations, but i want to...", "Whenever I try to get away from you, you somehow always get sick and I can't help but come closer to you yet again". He totally makes me flabbergasted..like I was out of words for a minute, but I still try to act all cool..saying something like "Maybe God wants u to keep staying by my side as a good friend you are" but he keep confessing anyway😭

His words have been on my mind since then. I'm still surprised, like ever.. and i'm furious.. like im literally burning inside. But somehow, my heart broke..having this thought like I lost another best friend again. Oh, another side story- There's this boy from my batch, my old lab partner..he was really kind and sweet, he was a great friend too..he somehow have a crush on me and confess too😭

Maybe its bc of this, i'm afraid and mad at myself..like it makes me think, "What have I done? I thought I've always just look at them just as a friend but maybe i did something wrong?" ... I really don't want to lose another friend and get my heart broken just bc of these stupid feelings..idk what i'm gonna do with him..He is a great man, he's smart, ambitious, caring for ppl around him, like he literally cares for me a lot but yk, maybe bc of my past experience, I just can't do this anymore..especially with my best friend. Either he'll break my heart or I'll break his heart bc of my past experiences

I just hope that he finds someone who loves him truly and that we'll always be best friends regardless🫠

#friends to lovers

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emberlynnrayne · 10 months

Text

12-8-23

Sometimes I still miss you.

You were my best friend. I loved you with everything I had. I put everything in me into us, until there was nothing left.

I don't know how I feel about you these days. Often, I hate you. Usually, I feel sad about it all.

I don't have much forgiveness for myself for it all, yet.

Folks would argue I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do.

I can't decide how I feel about you. I still yearn for your health and well-being. I still want the best for you, and I'd love to see enough growth in you that we could give our child the best case scenario as a child of divorce.

I'm so confused by the way you hate me so viciously. I've tried to be my best to be good and fair since I left, though I freely admit I was an absolute wreck of a dumpster fire in a hurricane at first. I didn't want to hurt you. I know you were hurt anyway. I know some of that was me, and some of that was you.

I miss who you were once the most.

I hope you find happiness. So deeply, I do.

Somewhere along the way, I think it just became easier for you not to try to be happy. You were so miserable all the time. And I couldn't keep swimming.

Everything from the first few months after I left is still a blur. Sometimes I wish we had been able to work it out. Pandoras life would've been so much easier.

But then I feel myself. I am better now than I was before.

As a person, I am better in every way. Im not blaming you. I was codependent as fuck, and didn't realize how unhealthy I was, too. But I've been working on myself, working with a therapist, and my support group. I am actively putting in the work to be a better, happier person. It's been a lot of external work and a lot of internal work.

And I can't imagine going back to that.

You'd be so hurt in reading this. You already think I didn't love you. That I was unhappy because of our finances. That I was bored, or unattracted to you, or whatever.

I left because I couldn't stay so miserable and small anymore. You didn't want joy. You didn't want growth. Or maybe you did but I needed too much. More than you could do.

I am ashamed of how often I wanted to give up the fight on the damn toe and cut it off and take a true 2 months to heal versus fighting that fight for years. Years. Now it's worse than ever. I can't help but wonder if we'd let it go if it'd be okay. But no, I know there are many reasons to keep it, not the least of which is that it's a piece of your body and parting with it is no easy thing. I don't blame you for fighting. I kept fighting, too. I genuinely just wanted you to heal. I thought if you could heal, we could be happy again.

But every time we came close, you pulled some selfish, bullheaded, stubborn bullshit. Bullshit that put us right back at square one, or three steps back from that. And you stopped being nice to me. Again.

I was seeing the pattern. A lifetime with someone who would be fighting these battles and treating me like little more than mud on the battlefield while he waged that war.

The longer I'm away the more I feel like you were just a bully. Honestly. Always meaner than you were kind.

That's not entirely true. You had good phases, too. They were sporadic, unpredictable, and there was no telling what would come after.

That's not to say I think I was perfect or something. The longer we went on, the less I was myself. Before I got pregnant, I remember spending entire days staring at one spot while you were out. Just. Empty. Not moving for anything. Just. A robot on standby. In the end, I was sensitive and snappy and tired and deeply, dangerously, depressed.

I Lived for our good times. They were there. They weren't uncommon until the last few years. And by the end, I was just. Broken.

It felt like you gave up. Like you were going through the motions of fighting, but your heart wasn't in it. I couldn't do anything to help or bring hope.

You didn't want to talk and hope and plan for a better future, either. I was stuck every single day in that war. Stuck to the bottom of your boots as you listlessly tossed grenade after grenade. A bone grinding weariness ate away at me.

There wasn't enough good anymore. Not enough for the price of the good times.

Still, I kept trying. I kept putting everything in me into Us. And you just got meaner. More abusive. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't. I saw the bars around me, I saw the path ahead, I saw my heart break.

I mourned our marriage before I left. I didn't know I'd be leaving when I did, but I knew if it didn't change dramatically, then there'd be no other direction in which I could survive.

I tried to talk to you. I tried to work on us. I tried to fix us before we became irreparable.

And then you threatened to have the cops take Pandora from me. For taking her into the store with me. You killed us in that moment. As dead as if you had hit me. I didn't see the scope of it, then, but I knew in that moment that there would be no real fixing Us. Not without professional intervention.

I don't know. Everything happened so fast, I never got to process. I was scrambling to find a foothold, dangling over the edge of failure. I could fail at everything else, but I could not fail as a mother. She took full priority. I had to build a life that she could thrive in, out of dust and cobwebs and a few sturdy beams.

I hope you heal. I hope you find happiness again. I hope we can be our best selves, for ourselves, and for Bear.

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drakinq · 11 months

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11/13/23

12:50AM -

Sunday I’m always exhausted. After a long day of activities and ending it with dance, it’s so hard for me to want to do anything but CRASH. My yawns are out of control, I’m sweaty and cold from all the dancing and hungry. That’s how I feel right after training on Sundays. I’m glad I’m having a fulfilling day but I’d like to see me end my night properly by doing a couple things to wind down. Tonight I tried my hardest, I told myself I was gonna have coffee at Dennys and set up my day for tomorrow, journal and finish any work I didn’t get to this week. But after being tired, sweaty and overall just not feeling the best, I decided to try to find some food and go home. After driving around for an hour I just decided to pick up a pack of Ramen and call it night. I had no more energy. I’m proud of myself cause normally I just get in the door and crash but I actually showered and doing my best to make a good journal post so I can start tomorrow morning better.

I made it to Church this morning and Devon Franklin was giving the sermon today. It was a really good sermon about procrastination and actually doing the work you’re calling requires, making the sacrifices for what’s not nurturing your growth and trusting God with the seeds we’ve planted. I’m happy I started going back to Church regularly as it just fills the rest of my day with so much peace. Eventually I want to start going with other people but for right now I think me and God could use this close intimate time. He is really instilling a new reprogrammed mind into me.

The Room on Sundays always brings out my best dancing. Jared Jenkins was our teacher and I got called for select groups. This is the first time I’ve been called out in front of KO so I’m so happy someone is seeing my growth. I struggled in the next class but I think got it more together at the end, I’m hoping me and Shi can work on it but we will see. KO told me he’s gonna be on my ass cause he wants results. Meaning he sees the growth and wants me to make my dream happen. Im so happy he’s rocking with me and believes in my dancing. I wish I had more one on one time with him but so does everybody.

10:23 AM-

Today marks 3 days no weed. I’m not struggling as bad as I thought. Every-time I get the urge I just distract myself or smoke a cigarette which makes me not want to smoke at all. I want to see how long I can last for but I’m realizing I like this sober feeling, I feel less tired and more present. If I do implement it back in my life it will only be at night for relaxing or the weekends to have a laugh. Other than that, I’m glad I’m limiting my usage.

Because I went to sleep so late, I woke up late and with so much to do I decided to skip the gym and get to work. I want to make it out of the house by 1 but we will see. I know I need to make a majority of today focused on dance, creating and reviewing and training. Tomorrow I work but I can focus more on other things. Not smoking during the day has kept me productive so I want to keep it like that, I still struggle with endless scrolling but I plan on nipping that in the bud this week.

Not much else to say. I feel really connected with God and his plan for me so I’m excited to execute. My worries aren’t as consuming and I’ve been making it a point to say I’m going to get an established through this plan. I don’t have much else on my mind this morning, so here is a rundown of today.

I’m about to grub down this chipotle cause I barely ate yesterday and then put some gas in the tank. I need to pick up some cleaner so I can go over cleaning the house and then get ready for the day. I need to make a new flyer for Saturdays class and find somewhere I can print and post them. Shi and I are suppose to session but I also want to session on my own for a little as well. I need to finish creating the dance and review Jared’s dance from last night, maybe go over Kolanie’s as well.

I’m so excited when I start thinking about my youth program. Being able to mentor girls and starting it from the ground up with my own rules and lesson plans. I’m so excited the journey I get to go on with them.

#drakinq #morningpages #journal

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keefwho · 11 months

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October 28 - 2023 Saturday

8:30am

I feel some stress because my thoughts are thinking some funny things. Im trying to distance from them. I'm also trying to be okay feeling bad about them. I guess I'm kinda jealous right now and thats an okay thing to feel, even if it's unfounded. I know I'm not going to act on it or let it control me. Its more likely that I would if I tried to push it away. I always feel jealous when Daisy is at a con because I feel like she's having fun with her better friends, totally forgetting about me. I'm always afraid to admit that at the risk of sounding petty but it's only petty if I act on it. I know it's a silly way to feel but that means there should be an easy way out of it. I know this is a result of the difficulty I have with trust which comes from a low self worth. I get the entire mechanism behind this. I think some more acceptance is in order. If I can just accept this is the truth about myself and be upset about it for a little bit instead of acting like I'm not supposed to be this way.

I know she hasn't forgotten about me the same way I'd never forget about her. She believes in me. And I'm starting to believe in me too. I can learn to move past these kinds of feelings. I can either learn to dispel irrational thoughts like this or detach from them, as long as I'm not doing it as a form of suppression. The first step always seems to be acceptance that they are happening.

9:57am

Maybe writing about my feelings more often here could be a way of accepting them. When I really feel like I'm struggling to get it out there. Usually when I say I'm stunlocked, what I mean is that I can't move past something. I'm stuck in a loop. Right now I'm stuck thinking about what exactly I want to have this talk about and I'm pushing myself to try and figure it out right now. But it's a thing that needs time. I'm also really hungry so that could be it. After breakfast I'm gonna take a break and find something to do like draw or something.

3:22pm

Ugh I HATE feelings. I feel like I need to talk about them constantly or do something about them. A result of suppressing them so much maybe??? All I know is I feel stressed again, I got some things on my mind. Nothing too crazy but it's nagging at me and I'd like to be able to let it go so I can actually do something with myself. I'm tired of ruminating so much.

12:15am

This morning I had breakfast a little late, I just wasn't that hungry. I made rice with a vegetable blend stir fried in and some turkey spam. I had a couple pieces of chocolate with my coffee and did Inktober in David's server. Right after I think I played Legendary Tales and got David to do hardcore with me. He died before I did and actually got kinda upset. It's weird to me how averse people are to hardcore. I think the loss is what makes it more meaningful and I never get that mad when I die, even if it's to a bug. He stopped for a little bit but wanted to try again, then I switched to a new character with a bow this time. I was bad at the bow since I haven't used it before. For some reason playing with him wasn't as fun as I thought. I didn't really feel present or maybe I wasn't sure how to coordinate with him. I forgot that we do talk a little bit but not enough to have unspoken chemistry. I wasn't in the head space I guess to be making an effort to synchronize. It was okay though. I took a break from the server to play Cities Skylines and make lunch. For lunch I made a broccoli pizza in my pan. Lowkey boiling it in just a little water makes it come out real nice, not soggy or anything. After lunch I worked on my avatar while watching MoonMoon play some god awful brutal medieval fighting game demo. It was just extremely brutal but funny to watch. I decided to finish porting my skater girl outfit from my nanachi model to my hyenid. I had tried before but didn't think it was gonna work out. I was wrong and it turned out good. I was halfway through a drink by the time I finished and got on VRchat as soon as it was done. I had no plan, no one was on. I joined a furry world for a little bit but couldn't insert myself anywhere. I joined a random public and had very brief conversation about a cool music video. I asked Daisy about the VR portal and she said it was empty and I just so happened to have someone on my friends list on blue who was in the portal world. After multiple attempts I was able to get in and found that the VR world was pretty empty and the stream was actually loading so I told Daisy and she made it to the portal. It was amazing seeing her there. I've never seen her quite like that, it's like I was in the room with her almost. It wasn't quite like that for her I imagine since I was in my avatar. It gave me some weird perspective on things, in a good way. Goodtimes joined too, he had messaged me earlier today but I didn't know what to say to him. He said he wondered what we'd been up to and coincidentally I've been wondering about him. I was even gonna talk to Daisy about him and Golden Star and how we had this relatively brief group of sorts that I miss. After the portal closed down, Goodtimes took me to a floating island world I'd been to before. We were trying to find 2/4 koroks but we made no progress. Golden Star happened to join too and wasn't totally horny (yet). I got off to finish dinner and play a little more Cities.

#journal #diary

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ihateeverything101 · 1 year

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your words being me to tears because it's so simple but it's not. i wish he said those things to me, i appreciate all you do to keep things running smooth. i like how you tell me how you're feeling so we can resolve issues.

there is no winning. he wants to know what's on my mind but when i tell him he tells me i complain too much and that's all i do. well that's what's on my mind and what i'm feeling. he says all i want to do is mope around and be pissed off. it's all so wrong. my energy isn't great but jesus. how does he want me to pick myself back up after his pummeling? he doesn't say anything positive or encouraging when i share my emotions, he does hold me when i'm upset but only when it fits what he thinks is valid.

it's my fault. i don't do enough. he's upset i cannot service him sexually everytime he needs. wtf does he want from me. yeah it's only 20/30 minutes but that's 20/30 MINUTESs!!!!! i could watch my own show during that time, snack, masturbate on my own, do makeup, shower, clean, play with the pets. i could do so much in that fuxking amount of time but he is demanding i do that for him at least once a day if not multiple times. wtf. i get home from work at like 5:45 - 6PM. i take off my clothes and start working on dinner literally no break. i start dinner and when that's started and going i can start to relax and maybe smoke some. a lot of days i'm not smoking until we're sitting down and eating dinner, 6:45 - 7. weve been watching shark tank when we eat and they are 45 minute episodes so we eat and watch that until about 8. then i am tired already and falling asleep in the basement. sometimes i fall asleep and he wakes me up at 10, i don't think he has an alarm or routine but waits until he has no more youtube to watch or sluts to talk to. he wakes me up to do my chores for the night. i know i should be more on top of my things but it pisses me off how he lets me sleep then gets mad at me. wake me up at the beginning if you get so aggravated! sometimes i don't nap and i get started on my night things: making my lunch for tomorrow, dishes, pet things, im trying to read 5 pages of a book everyday and also take my makeup off before bed but the things that aren't necessary aren't getting done. at this point it depends what time it is based on dishes and when i started this routine. but it's 9 or 9:30. time to brush and smoke and go to bed. i like when me and him brush together, also he basically always needs to know what i'm doing. one of his biggest pet peeves is coming behind me to ask questions. (which is what a partner should do but hey, what do i know) im always telling him what i'm doing, planning on doing, an ETA of how long it will take me and if i plan on interacting with him after i'm done or if i will roll into other things. so after we finish dinner i tell him i'm going to do my night things and he says ok and he watches youtube, talks to sluts and gets pictures from them, maybe video chats with Katie. hey it would be nice if he spent that time with me while i was doing my chores but that's fine. so then i come back down when i am done and tell him i'm going to brush, he's been coming up with me recently but awhile ago he would keep talking with Katie even though i've told him how much it means to me. we brush together and then he wants to get off again before bed. it doesn't have to be with me but i wish i had more time like that with him, but also not in a sexual service way. so either i can smoke by myself and lay down by myself while he gets off and wanders into bed late at night or we can smoke together, play together and go to bed together. which of those options sounds nice? they're nice for separate reasons but i always say yes to playing with him. i want to be close with him and i want to go to bed with him. i want to cuddle. so then with him doing his stuff cause he doesn't care about what time we go to bed i end up falling asleep 11:30 / 12. i want to fall asleep before 10. then i wake up the next day at 5 am to start it all over again. he says i don't appreciate him. i don't appreciate what he does. he's right i don't. i would like to spend a day doing my things or only worrying about my things. that would be heaven.

i went into the break down of time because. that 30 minutes is a huge difference and he acts like it means nothing

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millionsorganel · 2 years

Text

2022

(Wrote in 22/12/22)

This year is almost done. 1st January 2022, i dont really picture what to achieve other than completing my never ending assignments and struggle to finish my degree. That time i was so scared, so anxious I couldn’t finish my degree like how i wanted for so long. Time pass by. During semester break in March i have trip to Penang with my friends like how we planned (after a year postponed) spending time with them for 3 days and how short it is compared to when we were in diploma years we met everyday, i miss those moment and realize it will never be the same anymore. I hoped we all achieve our dreams i will always prayed the best for them. I hoped even after 20 years we still there for each other even we no longer in the same path like how we met before. I always blessed with unexpected rezeki. A week after, my aunty offered to join her trip to tioman bcs her friends couldn’t make it. I just payed half of the expenses for the trip and it is one of the best unexpected trip to go. I always grateful for that. In april, i started my final semester, this time there are classes in hybrid and physical. I didnt get college and had to going back and forth bangi shah alam like in March 2020 before covid happens. Of course i never like shah alam before, i always feel i never belonged there. Aby (my friend) offered to stay with her sometimes since she got college and she will be attending more physical class. There are few times i stay with her when im tired to go back. I started getting close to her in 2019 we were housemate and same place for internship. It was four of us, until we entered degree we still close. And when covid happen, i think she is one of friend that I regularly kept in touch and met. Before she was having hard time but recently she getting a job that she really happy with and back near her home, im so happy for her.

My final semester was not the best, i juggling with every emotions, i felt alone, i was trying very hard, going back and forth, seeing everyone travelling, working, having their own money to spend where i still nowhere. It was so hard. Till the very end, i still cannot believe in myself to completing this degree. 5 August 2022, im officially finished and complete my degree. Submitted my final thesis and sitting exam for the last time. I go back home with all heavy burden lifted but i feel overwhelmed at the same time. Next day, i jumped to a roadtrip with my highschool friends, it was fun and best trip because for the first time i dont have to think about my study, my thesis or my assignments. It was one of the best moment in my life. We checked in at a beautiful boutique hotel. It also the first time we met nani’s boyfriend. I think he was shy with us, we rarely make any conversation and i kinda feel bad to joined their date. But i can see they clearly loves each other, i prayed the best for them!!!! Our on the way back was all fun until we almost arrive home.. we had a small accident. a bit traumatised bcs involve big lorry and it was at the highway and things could go really bad if we are not lucky. We made police report and all those things and arrived home safely. Back from the trip, i am officially unemployed and yes i have been job hunting ever since. It was up and down moment for me seeing my friends landing their first job only after a month graduate. I try to think positive it not yet my rezeki, my time will come soon. Idk i just hope i landed my first job this year but now less than 10 days to 2023, im not getting any job offer yet. During this 4 months of unemployed and job hunting, i try to rediscover myself, i wanted to be better, i wanted to change bad habits. Slowly but surely. I hoped i become better next year. I also going to few places that was not in plan. I went to perak with my family, trip to singapore with my parent as birthday trip and went to genting with my cousin. Im trying to enjoyed those moment that i will maybe no longer can do it after i landed a job. Deep inside i know Allah has planned something bigger for me that i have been waited patiently. But as human, theres a time i questioning why im still jobless, why im still like this, why im not like others. Having 9-5 job (they hated) but had that adult money to spend. Maybe it just because of money, i know i have to trust Allah in this but i still have to do something right?

I know i have to start somewhere but I couldn’t find where to begin. Idk if im not meant to be an engineer or it just not my time yet? Im scared i will become a failure to my family. I am a burden now, i wanted to help my family financial crisis. But im lowkey scared to start randomly. I hoped i have the courage to start again.

22 December 2022, 11.19 pm

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sparklingchim · 3 years

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long way home 08 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x reader

word count: 2k

rating: pg

genre: dilf!jungkook, friend to lovers, angst

warnings: jk helping oc to get changed, jk having some dirty thoughts🙄, he's kinda obsessed w her boobs

summary: the one where you're drunk and ask jungkook a question and he unknowingly crushes all your hopes with his answer.

a/n: the last update in 2021!!! 💫💫🌸💗

chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08| 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 |

masterlist | long way home masterlist

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

3 months ago

When Jungkook got texts from you at 4 am saying "hello" - "i hope ur still awake bcause" - "i called a cab and" - "here's the thing" - "i forgot my address" - "so i told him urs" - "sorry" - "u better be awake" "im tired and i wan cuddles" he knew that he was in for a long night.

It had been a long night already. His two month old baby refused to have a decent sleep this night. By now, Jungkook has figured out Nabi's weaknesses though - she loves hearing him softly sing a lullaby for her. And despite her falling asleep within seconds after he begins to softly hum a tune, she wakes up minutes later, crying and screaming. That cycle went on for hours and hours tonight.

Right now she's fast asleep again, Jungkook already counting the minutes till she will wake up again.

Although it's the middle of the night and Jungkook barely got any rest - he doesn't feel tired. His baby girl wailing in his arms for countless of times this night hasn't allowed drowsiness to swamp his body. His sleeping schedule is messed up anyways.

That's why Jungkook is slouching on his couch in the middle of the night, watching some movie on Netflix that he randomly selected from the action category.

He texts you that he is, indeed, awake and that you're welcome to spent the night at his.

Jungkook is actually glad that you're coming over. He's seen you a lot these past weeks because you try to help him with Nabi as often as possible, but he could never get enough of you being with him. Your presence is making him happier, a fact that would always stay the same.

Jungkook takes a sip from his beer that he just fished out from the fridge. He closes his eyes for a second. Maybe he's not tired but he feels the exhaustion lingering in his limbs.

He loves Nabi - he really does - but on nights like these he gets reminded of how hard it is to have a new born and to come accustomed to drastically changing your whole life and routine to have your baby's needs in the center. Especially if you didn't know that a new born would be thrown into your life without having any preparation for...anything.

It still gives Jungkook big fat headache whenever he thinks about his ex.

,,Sora," he mutters, spitefully - perhaps even in a disgusted manner.

But no, he wouldn't let his mind drift off to that cruel woman. Not tonight, at least.

"Jungkooook," you sing-song with a giggle following right after, softly knocking on his door.

Your voice instantly causes a smile to fall on Jungkook's mouth. Leaving his beer on the table he gets up and opens the door for you.

"Hiii, Kookie," you beam, almost collapsing into him with how much power you let yourself fall against his body. Your arms are around his back and your cheek is pressed against his chest. He wasn't even properly able to see your face before you snuggled against him.

Jungkook closes the door behind you before he rests his palms on the curve of your hip.

"Hey," he greets back, looking down at your face squished against his body. "You're not falling asleep right?"

"Noo, just, " - you rub your cheek against his muscular front, taking a deep breath through your nose - "missed you," you finish.

"We had a movie night yesterday, baby," Jungkook reminds you. His hands wander up your cold and bare arms. "Didn't you wear a jacket? Y/n, it's freezing outside." He scowls, rubbing your arms to warm you up.

"I..." you raise your head, staring at his chest with furrowed brows and deep in thoughts. "I had one on," you say. "Must have forgotten it somewhere."

Jungkook is already enough concerned about you catching a cold every time you wear these flimsy low-cut dresses to a nights out. Like, he can look right into your cleavage and god, your tits look amazing and he'd like to squeeze his head in between them for the rest of his life, but the temperature outside are fucking low and now you tell him that you forgot your jacket somewhere? Maybe you should catch a cold to learn your lesson. When he thinks about it, it actually sounds nice because then you could stay at his place and he could take care of you.

Jungkook blinks a few times. You're barely a minute here and already got him confused in the head - from being concerned to thinking about his face between your gorgeous tits to taking care of you when you're sick.

He sighs, shaking off all his thoughts. "Let's get you warmed up again."

Jungkook guides you to his bedroom by your hips. He sits you down on the edge of his bed, opening his closet to get a pullover from his and some sweatpants that you've left here a while ago.

Returning to you, he sets the clothes next to you on the bed. Jungkook kneels down, fiddling with the strap of your black heels before getting them off for you. He remembers you saying that these are the most comfortable high heels you've ever worn. He doesn't quite remember why he remembers such trivial things. With the knowledge he has about your heels he doesn't need to ask if you're feet are fine or if they hurt but he decides to ask anyway, just because he wants to make sure.

"Do your feet-" He gets cut off, well, not really cut off more like distracted by the fleeting view of the underside of your boobs before they vanish beneath the pullover that you pulled over your head. You had pulled your dress down to your tummy, fixing the pullover that now covered your upper half.

"Hm?" you ask, looking at him with those big gullible eyes because he didn't finish his sentence.

Jungkook gulps, mumbling a "nothing" under his breath.

You lift your hips, getting the dress off completely.

Jungkook doesn't mean to stare, he really doesn't, but - oh, are those new? He doesn't remember ever seeing you in some baby blue lace panties. They're cute though, look fancy and just absolutely radiate push them to the side and fuck you in nothing but these pretty panties on energy.

And then shove his face between your boobs and his night would be saved.

His thoughts are moving around dangerous territory right now and, what a surprise, he feels something moving and aching between his legs as well. He blames his 2 month long dry spell for this.

Nevertheless, Jungkook pushes those thoughts away and helps you get into the sweatpants.

"Where's my little baby?" you inquire, hands around Jungkook's biceps to help yourself up from the bed.

"Sleeping. And if you wake her up I'll never forgive you."

"Hmm, though night?" Your arms naturally loop around his neck.

Jungkook nods, your presence giving him much needed comfort. He draws you closer by pulling you by your waist.

"Let's sleep?" you suggest. "Want cuddles," you pout.

"I can tuck you into bed. I'm not tired yet."

"Watchu doing?"

"Just gonna finish watching that movie."

"Okay, I'll come with you."

Jungkook doesn't even care about the movie.

He cares more about paying attention to how perfectly you're body fits into his. You're cuddling him from the side, leg thrown over his lap, arm across his front.

He has a lazy arm thrown over your shoulder, thumb grazing over your clothed body.

"Jungkook?" you say, handing him the glass of water that he gave you to sober up a little. He leans forward to place it on the table.

"Mhm?"

"I just had a thought."

"Congratulations."

You ignore him his teasing. "What if parallel universes were a thing?"

"Would be pretty dope, I guess."

"With like the same people and stuff," you continue.

Jungkook hums, acknowledging that you've said something but not commenting on it.

You gasp a little. "What if there's a parallel universe where we're not friends but enemies?" Your eyes widen in shock.

Jungkook smiles at your cuteness. "That'd suck." His hand slips underneath your pullover, thumb rubbing over your warm skin on your hip bone.

"Or one in which we don't even know each other." There's a scowl on your face like that thought alone makes you sick.

"Then I'll take the enemies one. Can't live my life without you." It's sounds corny but it's the truth.

"You know what I also thought about?" you ask almost hesitantly, fingers brushing over his chest.

"Hm?" His hand on your hip pulls you closer to him.

"A parallel universe in which we both would be dating."

"You think that'd be a good idea?" he asks.

"Well, better than not knowing each other." You frown. "What do you think?"

"Not a good idea."

Your frown deepens, bottom lip jutting out in a pout. "Why?"

"There are too many reasons not to be with you."

You raise your head to look into his eyes. He can't decipher what's going though your mind right now. But you look a little startled, maybe he'd go that far to call it hurt. But that's...why would you feel hurt? Was he too harsh? It's not like - no, it's definitely not like you're hurt because you have feelings for him...right? That couldn't be.

But that look in your eyes stays for a little longer and Jungkook doesn't know what's the truth anymore.

When he thinks about it - why would you think about him and you being together? You're drunk, he tells himself. You don't know what you're saying. He shouldn't put a deep meaning into you drunkenly fantasising about things.

Aren't drunk words sober thoughts, tho?

But then, thankfully, his suspicion gets proved wrong when you look away with a roll of your eyes. "You're rude."

Jungkook heaves a little sigh of relief. "I'm just stating facts. We're better off as friends."

"That's true," you agree. "But you're still rude. And your facts are stupid."

"You're stupid."

"I hate you."

"I love you."

"Shut up."

"You started."

The banter continues till Jungkook feels your palm colliding with the back of his head.

"Hey...why are you still awake?" Jungkook wonders as he looks down at you.

After the movie Jungkook brought you to his bed. You're head rests atop his chest and for the past minutes you've been staring into the darkness, your head full of thoughts.

You shortly avert your eyes at him before continuing to stare up at the ceiling.

"You know, if you want to fall asleep you'd have to close your eyes," he tells you, fingers brushing trough your hair.

You don't have the energy to answer him. You just grumble something incoherently.

"Baby, what's the matter?" he inquires, his question only a whisper and you hate how much he cares.

Because you thought maybe, maybe after all this time he'd feel the same. Just a little bit.

He gave you an answer tonight. You didn't even notice where you were steering the conversation at. But then you had that thought in mind and you just went for it because...well, there was still hope in you left.

Now you know. And you realise you were foolish to have hope left.

When you're about to answer with a stupid excuse as to why you're not able to sleep, Nabi's cries resound through the apartment.

Without another word Jungkook pushes your thigh off his body and climbs out of the bed to get to Nabi.

As soon as you're left alone there are tears stinging your eyes.

You shut your eyes close, burying your face into the pillow and desperately try to fall asleep. To not feel the pain anymore.

When you wake up tomorrow every thing will be fine. You'll forget what he said to you.

But it's hard going to sleep when there's this annoying thought looping in your mind. It's unstoppable and insufferable.

When Jungkook comes back you pretend to be asleep. He doesn't notice. He simply gives you a peck on the forehead and pulls you into his arms. You hate how you're heart feels like when he does all of that.

So you lie there awake for the whole night, with you're heart aching and your hope only existing as broken pieces, and Jungkook's remark embedded in your head.

There are too many reasons not to be with you.

#jeon jungkook #jungkook #jungkook fic #bts fanfic #bts scenario #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x reader #bts x reader #dilf jungkook #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook f2l

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ppersonna · 3 years

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out of my league - knj | 01

you were out of my league. got my heartbeat racing. if i die, don't wake me, cause you are more than just a dream - out of my league, fitz and the tantrums

✹ summary- Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out about your years-long hopeless crush on him. And he most definitely was not supposed to find out about it in front of all your coworkers in a company-wide meeting.

✹ rating- explicit/18+/nsfw

✹ pairing- kim namjoon x reader

✹ word count- 6.6k

✹ genre- angst, smut, comedy

✹ chapter warnings- swearing, descriptions of sex, sexual content, namjoon being a sexy flirt, jungkook being a himbo, awkward conversations, jimin being a protective bff

✹ a/n- hello and welcome to this fic thats lived in my google docs for almost a year now. without @ladyartemesia @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @chimoona, i would never have posted it. i truly owe so much of my brainstorming and creativity to their incredible brains and thoughts and ideas. i love them very much! i hope you enjoy this first chapter! please feel free to message me, talk to me abt anything!! im always here to chat. ILY!

MASTERLIST

Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out this way.

You planned to confess your undying, unerring love for your coworker at a better time, a classier place. You would wear a dress that highlighted your features, hair cascading down your back, makeup done to perfection and spritzed with expensive perfume. You’d confess, he’d confess right back, and you’d live happily ever after.

You’d also dreamt that Kim Namjoon would have the slightest inkling of who you are before he finds out about your year long crush. He might know you as the mousy girl in the office who doesn’t talk and doesn’t contribute much other than some crunched numbers and apparently the best coffee brewer in the office. But you’d prefer he knows you well—your favorite colors and movies and foods, what makes you happy and sad; things future husbands should know.

You very much did not think it would happen in a company wide conference, full of over five hundred suit-wearing executives. You did not think it would be done by the office bully, Chungha, who carefully takes over the mic and speaks the words clearly as she presents awards of recognition.

“Congratulations to Kim Namjoon for 5 years with the company, over $4 million in revenue, and the object of ____’s lust and affection. I’m sure you two will have the happy life she’s written in her journal about. Make sure you celebrate with her today!”

The room is silent, so silent you could have heard a pin drop from a mile away. Your face is cherry red and you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole. Your heart feels like someone has ripped it in half and you stare in horror at the girl smirking at the front. Is this what it feels like to be backstabbed? Namjoon looks perplexed—confusion written on his face as he gestures around to no one in particular like he’s saying ‘what the fuck was that?’

Awkward coughing and clapping begins and Namjoon stands to receive his award, a fine wooden fountain pen, and chances a glance around the room. He easily spots you, with your wide, frightened face. His look remains passive, not hinting what he’s thinking behind those stormy eyes, before he turns and sits back down at the table with his buddies from his department.

You seriously contemplate quitting your job. You could find a new one easily, right? Just stand up and tell your boss you quit and you’re out of there before Namjoon ever sees you again and you’ll never have to face the mean girl who’s ratting you out.

As much as the idea rolls through your head, you know you won’t do it. You love your job, love the security and finances it provides you, and you love to look at Kim Namjoon, all day every day.

You don’t understand where things went wrong.

( one month ago )

It’s 9:03 am. You finish brewing the coffee in the small staff kitchen and sigh at the aroma of the freshly ground beans. Coffee is your favorite meal, favorite time of day, favorite snack, and preferred beverage. You drink it constantly. You’re known as “coffee girl” at work, mostly because no one really bothers to get to know you beyond that. You drink coffee like it’s a devoted religion. You could drink a cup right before bed and still sleep like a baby. It was, put simply, your drink.

The office workers deem you to be the one to make the pots of coffee every morning, claiming you were the ‘best’. You didn’t mind—you preferred to make your own coffee regardless—but you believe your coworkers are trying to pass off the twenty-minute job to someone lower in the office hierarchy. And you were one step above the interns.

The coffee machine chimes to let you know it’s hot, and it’s ready for you. You eagerly pour a mug, a large one, and smile as the waft of freshly ground beans (by you, of course) fills your senses.

You nearly knock the cup out of your hand as Kim Namjoon strolls into the office, eyes set on the coffee.

You feel your throat swell up, like he’s an allergen and you’re caught without an epi-pen. Butterflies swirl in your stomach and you can’t stop staring at him. He pays you no mind, tired yet determined to pour a cup of coffee and get back to his office.

You stand in the small kitchen, clutching your coffee like a lifeline, and pray to god you don’t do something stupid.

Namjoon pours his mug, and you watch his muscular hands grip the coffee pot. He pours a hefty amount of cream and sugar into his cup—it appears even perfect male specimens have their faults.

Your eyes dance on his face before they tango down his body. You wonder what he looks like in the morning, crawling out of bed with mussed hair and a sleepy smile painted on his face. He’d look at you and tell you you’re the most beautiful girl and kiss you deeply despite morning breath. Maybe he’d take you to the shower to press you against the tile as he fuc-

“Oh!” it startles Namjoon to see you, and the coffee in his hand swishes violently. “Didn’t see you there. Sorry!”

Your heart melts. He’s the picture of kindness and politeness. You recognize it’s been a few seconds and you still haven’t replied.

“It’s fine!”

“Great coffee, by the way,” he smiles. His teeth nearly knock you out cold with their brilliance. “Have a good day.”

He turns and exits the room without so much as a glance back at you. Your knees feel weak.

Kim Namjoon talked to you. He complimented you. He told you to have a good day. It’s the best and most significant conversation you’ve had with your secret crush.

You definitely file that away for another day when you need to reminisce on his compliment, and you scurry out of the kitchen towards your desk.

Park Jimin is waiting dutifully at your desk when you arrive, a smug smile still slapped over your features as you sip at your coffee. Namjoon spoke to you today—how lovely.

Jimin quirks an eyebrow.

“What’s got you so perky this morning?”

You’re normally quiet and passive, avoiding eye contact or any semblance of emotion on your face.

You look up at the blonde bespectacled boy. Park Jimin is the closest thing to a best friend in the company. He’s who you spend time with at lunch, see on weekends, and text often. You suppose he’s the closest thing to a best friend you have in your entire life.

You send him a smirk and lean in close to whisper. “Namjoon said hi to me today!”

Jimin sends you a pitiful look and pats your shoulder. Your best friend is well aware of your secret crush and while he thinks Namjoon is a nice guy, he thinks your crush is a little hopeless. He’s the most popular guy in the office, often has dates lined up every weekend. Jimin hears the way he and his friends talk in the break room. The man is definitely not hurting for female attention.

“Oh, honey,” he sighs, unenthusiastically. “That’s great.” He can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness over how excited you’re getting from a simple ‘hello’ from a coworker.

“I know, right? Anyway, lunch today?” You ask as you settle down into your cubicle.

Jimin pushes his glasses up his face and nods. “Of course! That’s why I came by this morning. I wanted to let you know that Jungkook from marketing will join us.”

You make a face, disgust etched in the lines creasing your forehead.

“Why?”

Jungkook is well known in the company. He’s a loudmouth, a player, a clown, and everyone’s favorite comedian. He’s just not your favorite.

“Don’t be rude,” Jimin admonishes at your grimace. “He asked to join and well—he’s cute. I can’t say no to him.”

“Oh Christ, Jimin,” you groan. “Not you too! Don’t tell me you have the hots for the serial fuckboy?”

He blushes lightly and shrugs. “Maybe I do! Be nice to him today or I’ll eat all your chocolate ice cream I know you have at home.”

You stick your tongue out, petulantly. “Fine, now let me get to work or else Seokjin will be up my ass.”

Jimin smiles and kisses your cheek before he scurries away, back to human resources.

It feels as if barely any time has passed. You’re working hard, running calculations and updating spreadsheets. You have an eye for numbers, and losing yourself in an equation is just another day for you. You’re shaken from your cheerful place by a vibration from your phone, and a text alert popping on the lit screen.

jimin 12:01 pm- it’s lunchtime!! you better get your butt out here!

You smile and text back an affirmative reply, then move to grab your lunch from the company fridge. Gliding down the steps leading to the fresh outdoors, you meet Jimin at the lunch tables in the grass.

Jimin is sitting with Jungkook. You can recognize your best friend by his hair and glasses, and Jungkook by his obnoxious laughter.

“Hi,” you murmur as you sit down and open up the brown bag lunch you’ve brought.

“Hi!” Jimin is excited to see you, and just a pinch over eager to be sitting next to Jungkook.

“You know Jungkook, right?” Jimin asks, a harsh look in his eyes that reminds you to be on your best behavior.

You nod as you pull out a bag of grapes. “Oh, yeah, hey,” you smile. “I’ve seen you around.”

Jungkook delivers you a signature smirk and you feel yourself roll your eyes internally. “Yeah, you’re Coffee Girl, right?”

You pout and glare down at your brown bag lunch. Will you ever become more than just Coffee Girl?

“Yeah, I suppose that’s me.”

Jimin clears his throat to dismiss any awkwardness.

“So, Jungkook, I hear you like working out? ___ likes to work out too. She drags me to the gym sometimes. Maybe we could all meet up sometime?” You don’t miss the hopeful lilt in his voice. Jungkook does.

“Oh, yeah?” He narrows a sexy look at you, rather—a look he thinks is sexy that you find off-putting. “What do you do at the gym? Little cardio sets with 5 pound weights?”

What an asshole.

“Sometimes,” you state as you take a bite of the homemade salad you handcrafted last night. “Most of the time I’m lifting heavy. I can bench 275 and deadlift 300.”

Jungkook looks taken back. “What, really?” He sounds breathless. “You lift more than Namjoon-hyung.”

At the sound of the love of your life’s name, you pause. Your face heats quickly and Jungkook smirks. Of course, he recognizes this and not Jimin’s obvious flirting.

“Why are you blushing?” He asks. “Did I say something?”

You’re quick to dismiss things. “Um--no. I just um,” you’re grasping at straws. “I’m hot.”

Jimin is trying not to laugh, hiding his mouth behind a petite hand.

Jungkook tilts his head. “It’s not even sunny today.”

You gulp. “Yeah, I must be hot. With a fever. M-malaria… probably.”

Jungkook snorts.

“You have malaria? Bummer.” He picks at his nails. “I thought for a moment you had a thing for Namjoon.”

“No!” The retort is quick, too quick for normal conversation, and it gives you away.

“Aha!” Jungkook points an accusing finger at you. “You have the hots for him, don’t you?”

Your features melt, and Jimin tries to assuage the situation. “Jungkook, please don’t tell anyone,” he pleads.

Jungkook smiles at you. “That’s so cute. It’s like a little nerdy freshman crushing on the senior class president.”

You bury your head in your hands, suddenly unable to stomach any food.

“Jungkook,” Jimin’s tone becomes more firm, authoritative. “I’m asking you this as a friend. Please, don’t say anything.”

Jungkook holds his hands up to prove his innocence and waves his proverbial white flag.

“Secret is safe with me,” he promises. “But it’s cute. I know him really well, you know. I could try to hook you two up.”

You blanch, unsure if you want Jungkook saying anything about you to the man of your dreams.

“I’m good, but thanks,” you offer meekly. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to head back to work, okay?”

Jimin frowns, knowing you’re feeling like a cornered animal, and nods. “Feel better, babe,” he sighs.

Jungkook watches as you leave and turns to Jimin. “Man, he’s way out of her league.”

Jimin slaps the boy in the chest. “Be nice, asshole, that’s my best friend.”

Jungkook promises to be nice, and Jimin is blissfully unaware that others are listening and that the man beside him is easy to persuade.

( present day )

The company-wide meeting adjourns soon after what is likely to be the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever lived through.

You’re grabbing at your things and trying to run out of the room, desperate to get out before anyone sees you or talks to you or laughs at you.

A hand grabs at the coattails of your suit jacket and you’re pulled backwards with a yelp. You turn to seek your captor and find the concerned face of your best friend, Jimin.

“Are you okay? What the fuck just happened?”

Jimin’s concern makes it all real. Until now you could pretend you were in a fugue state, totally dissociated from reality. Now, you realize that everyone in the entire company is aware of your crush on Kim Namjoon.

You can feel your bottom lip wobble, tears threatening to spill. Jimin murmurs an ‘oh shit’ and drags you out of the large room and into the nearest bathroom. He pushes you to sit against the sink and passes you toilet paper to dab at your eyes.

“I don’t know how she found out!” you cry. “God, I feel so stupid and embarrassed.”

It incenses Jimin. He’s holding it back to ensure you’re okay, but in reality, it’s an HR nightmare waiting to happen. He’ll find who did it and punish them accordingly.

They will suffer.

“It’s okay, babe,” he pulls you into a hug. “Everyone will forget about it soon. They’ll think it’s just a lame office joke, okay?”

You nod, feeling the slightest bit comforted by his words.

“How could she find out, Jiminie?” You ask with a sniffle. “You’re the only person who knows.”

Jimin sighs and shakes his head.

“I don’t know, but they’re dead. I haven’t told any-... oh, my god,” Jimin stops suddenly. You look up at him to catch what he’s thinking.

He growls and balls his fists.

“Jungkook knew.”

You let out a sob and bawl your eyes out into the tissue you’re holding. Jimin holds you tighter while he conjures up a hundred different ways to hurt someone and make it look like an accident.

“Don’t worry,” Jimin sighs, trying to comfort both you and himself. “I’m HR. I have to handle this. I’ll make sure they get what they deserve.”

You feel a sting of pain for Jimin. He’s been hopelessly doting on the man who spilled the beans for a few months now, even got to take him on a few dates. It was still nothing serious, but Jimin was clearly smitten.

“I’m sorry you have to do that, Chim,” you whisper. “I know how you feel about him.”

“Yeah, well,” he swallows thickly. “You’re more important than any asshole.”

Jimin holds you tight for a few minutes longer, before you clean yourself up and steel yourself. Ignore everyone, Jimin encourages. Just get to work, he says. Then you can go home and we’ll drink wine and forget about it all, he promises.

You replay his words in his head like a prayer as you walk down the corridors and towards your office. Everyone in the hallways stops to stare at you. They lean towards their friends and whisper. You hear snippets of their gossip, like “Namjoon” and “out of her league”. It drives the sharp blade lodged in your chest even further. It threatens to collapse your lungs and break your ribs.

You make it to your desk safe and sound and bury yourself in work and forcibly ignore the gawking and the stares.

Just make it home. Just get through the day. You’re almost there.

You could do this.

You nearly make it the entire day before running into the one person you didn’t want to see, Kim Namjoon.

At the end of the day, you’re taking the stairs down to the parking garage instead of the elevator. The elevator is too busy, too many people, and you’re trying to avoid the stares and giggles at your expense. The stairs are always deserted and you figure it’s your safest bet.

You can nearly hear the wine calling your name at home. A delicate glass of Sauvignon Blanc and some chocolate ice cream and a good cry—it sounds like the best and only way to unwind after the worst day you’ve ever had in your life.

The chanting of your name gets louder and you wonder if you’ve finally lost your mind—if you’re actually hearing your wine bottles all the way at home talking to you.

No, wait. The voice is real, and coming from behind you. You turn around to face who’s calling you and nearly faint at the sight.

Kim Namjoon stands on the landing above you, one strip of stairs between you.

“Hey!” He seems glad he’s caught you. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute.”

You swallow and search for an answer.

“Sorry, I’m-.. I guess I’m just a little out of it today.”

Namjoon grimaces.

“Yeah, about that…” he begins as he takes the steps down to be on equal ground as you. Your heart is spinning wildly. He’s so close to you. He’s talking to you. On any other day you’d be erupting towards the sky like a firework. But today isn’t any other day.

“I feel like I should apologize,” he states. “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t plan it or anything.”

Damn him and his kindness. Damn him and his cute, awkward smile.

“No, no,” you assure. “I know you didn’t. You don’t have to apologize.”

It’s hard to make eye contact with the man. You want to, know it’s important in intense conversations like this, but the thought of him seeing you—really seeing you makes you ache inside.

“It was a really shitty prank,” he begins. “I’m sure you don’t even know who I am, let alone have a crush on me.”

For the millionth time that day, your face heats to a near boil. You stammer and you’re sure you’ve blown any chance at even thinking about a date with Namjoon.

“Oh, uh, right,” you seek an answer, beg your brain to pick something to say that doesn’t make you sound stupid. “I do.”

“You do what?” He’s confused and you widen your eyes at what just left your mouth.

“I do know you! I mean, I do have a crush on you! Oh, fuck,” you shove your face into your hands. “Please, ignore that. I need to go. Sorry!” You don’t give him a chance to reply, you book it out of the stairway as fast as your heels will take you.

Today was the worst day you’ve suffered through in your life.

The next few days aren’t much better.

Not only are you “coffee girl”, you’re now also sarcastically called “Namjoon’s girl”. As much as you hate your initial title, you’d prefer it to the new one they throw at you as you walk by.

Jimin rats out Jungkook and Chungha to the bosses. They get two weeks probation and they have to write you apology letters if they wish to keep their permanent files clean of any reprimands. It’s a slap on the wrist, and everyone involved knows it. Jimin is furious and wants the boss to reconsider. You tell him not to push it. You’d rather this be over and everyone to forget it even happened. Jimin unwillingly agrees.

You’re working at your desk, earphones shoved in your ears to diffuse the gossip in the room, when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn and are greeted with the face of Judas Iscariot himself, Jeon Jungkook.

“Hi,” he sounds sheepish, cheeks reddening.

You narrow your eyes at him, sharper than steel. “What the fuck do you want?”

He winces, knowing he deserved that. “Well, I just wanted to apologize. I know they told me to write you a letter, but it seems too impersonal…”.

You can’t believe Jungkook is sucking his ego up and actually coming to you to apologize. You thought he’d for sure be the one to cop out and send a shitty letter.

He continues.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry that all went down. I didn’t mean to tell her. She got me drunk and said she saw me eating lunch with you and Jimin. I think she was jealous or something and it slipped out. I know that’s not an excuse. I fucked up your trust and Jimin’s trust. But I just wanted you to know I didn’t do it to be an asshole. She sort of duped me.”

You pause as you take in the man’s apology. He didn’t have to come to you in person. He could have easily taken the shitty route and half-assed a letter to you. But he didn't, and he owned up to his mistake. God dammit.

“I appreciate your apology, Jungkook,” you sigh and you see his body visibly relax. “I’m still mad, but I guess the anger is at her for doing it in the first place. I’m sorry she tricked you.”

He breathes a sigh of relief and kneels down beside you. “I’m really happy you believe me. I was worried you were going to kick me in the nuts.

“I won’t lie, I thought about it.”

He smiles with you, and you feel like this is the restart of a friendship. “I definitely deserved it.”

You shrug and smile. “Jimin would kill me for hurting you. He might even kill me for thinking about hurting you.”

Jungkook’s smile drops at the name of your best friend. Yikes. Looks like there’s still trouble in paradise.

“I think you’d be in similar company with Jimin right now. He’s not speaking to me.”

You let out a breath through your nose. “Yeah, he’s a little protective of me.”

“For good reason,” he admits. “You’re like a cute little flower. A cute nerdy flower.”

“Jungkook,” you warn. “I just forgave you after I was humiliated in front of the entire company. I’d be careful with calling me nerdy right now.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

It’s hard to stay mad at the boy, no matter how much you dislike his reputation around the office. The fact that he humbled himself enough to seek you out and apologize is proof enough to you of his character.

“It’s okay, Jungkook. I forgive you,” you smile. “Thank you for apologizing.”

He rubs the back of his neck anxiously as his cheeks flare red.

“Yeah, it felt pretty shitty to just… do anything else. Plus, you seem really cool.”

“You seem great, too, Jungkook.”

He smiles and pulls you in for a hug, catching you off guard. For the fuckboy type, he’s surprisingly sensitive and soft. You like that about him.

“I’ll see you around, okay?” He says as he pulls away from you.

“Maybe you should apologize to Jimin, too?”

His smile drops, but he nods anyway. “Yeah, maybe I’ll go find him now.”

“Good luck,” you offer with a pat on his shoulder.

With a sad smile, he turns and heads down the hallway towards the HR department. You pray Jimin shows mercy to the handsome boy.

A few weeks go by, and you’re sure that everyone has forgotten about you and your most embarrassing moment to date. You make the coffee, you calculate the numbers, everyone ignores you. Things return to relative normalcy.

Until it doesn't. The moment you think you're safe is the moment your guard comes down and everything falls apart around you.

It's when you're in the staff kitchen, grinding fresh beans to brew a second pot of coffee, that it happens.

The kitchen is fuller than usual. You normally try to wait until the lunchtime crowd dwindles and leaves to make your second pot, but you're so desperate for the caffeine that you can't find it in you to care.

You trudge into the kitchen with your handy coffee mug clutched in your tired hands and head towards the cupboards to grind up the beans.

There's a few groups of coworkers lingering in the room, and as your grinder whirs the beans around into a powder, you chance a look around to see who's among the crowd.

Your eyes flick immediately to where a hearty laugh erupts. It makes your heart still in your throat. Namjoon sits with his usual crowd of friends, hand gripping a homemade sandwich while the other assists him in telling his story to his friends. He pays you no mind—why would he?—and you can't help but stare at the way his dark brown hair lays perfectly against his forehead, and his eyes crinkle so cutely at the edges when he smiles.

You nearly forget about the coffee grounds—you're snapped out of your Namjoon-induced trance when suddenly a woman's laugh echoes around the room.

"Look at her," the voice states.

You peer up and see a girl you vaguely recognize. Is she from Marketing? Or perhaps Sales? You’re not sure, but she’s staring at you with a sneer.

“She’s so weirdly obsessed with Namjoon. It’s so creepy.”

Your face turns cherry red and you’re sure your lungs stop functioning. The air your body needs to breathe freezes and your chest aches.

Namjoon turns to look at the girl before he looks and sees you grasping your coffee grounds tightly.

“Chungha was right—it’s so weird. Namjoon, you should talk to HR about this!”

Namjoon turns back to the gossiping coworker and frowns. “Can you leave it alone? She wasn’t even doing anything.”

The girl huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and looks back at Namjoon.

“How can you stand to be in the same room as her? She clearly thinks she has a chance with you.”

Her words come out like a bite. She punctuates her point with a harsh laugh and the group around her mumbles and chuckles in agreement.

You’re desperately grabbing at anything you can, wanting to leave as quickly as possible before you’re embarrassed further.

“Well, she does!” Namjoon replies loudly, annoyance written in his features. “I was actually going to ask her to dinner this weekend in private, but since everyone is so fucking interested in my love life, I have to do it publicly.”

The room falls silent, and your favorite mug falls out from your hands and shatters on the floor. All sets of eyes stare at you while yours widen with disbelief—you don't even care that you’re standing in a pool of old coffee and shattered ceramic.

Namjoon stands and heads over to you, bending down to pick up the shards of your coffee mug. You take a few stunted breaths to kneel and help.

His eyes peer into yours. They’re warm—a chocolate brown color that makes you feel safe.

“What do you say?” He asks with a smile so gentle it nearly breaks your heart. “Will you let me take you out this weekend?”

You’re gaping like a fish and the surrounding room is silent—bated breath waiting for your reply.

“Yes, I would l-love that.”

His smile turns even brighter, and he stands to throw the broken mug away.

“I’ll email you the details, okay?”

Your head nods dumbly without thinking. His eyes sparkle as he smiles at you, and he extends his hand down to you to assist you off the floor. As your hand slips into his, you can’t help but feel how soft and strong he feels. You wonder what his hand would feel like caressing your face, smoothing down the expanse of your bare back, running down the length of your body.

The thoughts shake out of you as he winks and kisses your hand gently, causing the gossiping coworker to grunt her disapproval and for murmurs of shock to echo around the room.

“I’ll talk to you later, doll.” Namjoon winks at you before he grabs his sandwich and leaves the room, gesturing to his crew to follow along.

The place on your hand felt warm where his lips once lingered. You no longer cared about the angry glares from the rest of your coworkers. Your heart beats wildly in your chest, and you leave the kitchen nearly floating on cloud nine.

Email from: Kim Namjoon

Sent: 3:06 pm

Subject: Hey good lookin ;)

Hey!

Just wanted to see how you are! I’m sorry about what happened at lunchtime. That was super petty and uncalled for. I really wanted to ask you out, and I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much by doing it in front of everyone.

I was wondering if you’d like to go out this Friday night after work? Say around 7? If you send me your address, I’ll pick you up.

Let me know!

Xoxo, Joon

You’re sure if you weren’t sitting in your tiny cubicle, you’d be screaming your lungs out.

The second the notification of the email came through, direct from the man of your desires himself, your body froze.

You re-read the message, over and over and over.

The winky emoji, the xoxo, the nickname ‘joon’. It’s all so much and makes the grin on your face threaten to split your lips in half.

Your fingers press the “FWD” button and you quickly send the message to Jimin, before you stand demurely, attempting to give off an air of professional confidence. You need to talk to Jimin, now.

As soon as you’re out of the eyesight of suspicious coworkers, you bolt down the hallway towards Human Resources. Your high heels click loudly on the tiled floor, but the sound doesn’t even register in your mind. All you can think about is Namjoon, the email, the press of his lips on your hand, the way his smile made you feel as if you could fly.

The door to HR swings open with your tight grip around the doorknob, and you open your mouth to call to Jimin, the lone employee, when you’re startled by the sight ahead of you.

Jimin sits on the edge of his expansive desk with his arms thrown around Jungkook’s neck and is clearly engaged in a deep, sensual kiss. At the sound of the door opening, they quickly break apart, with matching cherry red blushes on their cheeks and mused hair.

“Oh, shit,” you gasp.

The men are silent and you can’t help but giggle after a moment passes. “I’ll take it you two made up?”

Jungkook flashes you a dopey grin, one that gives you an answer, while Jimin smirks haughtily.

“Jungkook and I were just discussing, umm… his 401k.”

Jungkook looks at the blonde boy for a moment, confused, before he gets it. “Yeah! Totally. Retirement. Love to t-talk about it?”

You laugh out loud and walk towards the couple.

“I’m sure it was a titillating discussion,” you tease. “I have good news though, if it’s okay to interrupt this retirement planning session.”

Jimin nods and Jungkook rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess I should leave?”

“It’s okay,” you smile. “I trust you.”

Jungkook smiles as if he’s just won the lottery. He looks between you and Jimin, face pure and excited like a puppy.

“What’s up?” Jimin asks as he moves to sit down at his desk.

“I forwarded you an email. Read it.”

Jimin nods and logs on to his posh computer, scrolling and clicking before narrowing his eyes and reading.

“Oh, my god.” Jimin’s face is shocked—it's written all over his features. “Namjoon asked you out?!”

Jungkook’s child-like grin turns into one of shock himself. He runs around to stand behind Jimin, eyes seeking over the words of the email.

“Well, hot damn,” Jungkook whistles. “He asked her out.”

Jimin exchanges a look with Jungkook, one that you’re not sure you can read. It quickly slips your mind, however, as you’re more focused on the task at hand.

“Can you come over tonight after work and help me pick out something to wear?” You ask excitedly.

Jimin smiles at you, a touch of sadness in his eyes, before he nods.

“Of course, babe,” he assures. “We’ll make sure you look nice and hot for the date with Mr. Kim.”

“Thank you!” You squeal as you wrap your arms around your best friend. He hugs you back before you scurry out of the office and back to your cubicle, itching to reply to the message.

Jimin sighs as the door to his office closes behind you.

“Kook, please don’t tell me he’s going to break her heart. He’s asking her out to make himself feel better about this, isn’t he?”

Jungkook slips his hand into Jimin’s and squeezes.

“I’ll find out, baby.”

Jimin smiles and nods appreciatively at the boy, before leaning up and kissing him.

Jungkook smiles against his lips, and is determined to ensure the young HR specialist never hates him again, even if he has to go behind his hyung’s back to ensure his new boyfriend’s happiness.

Jungkook has one mission now, and that’s ensuring Namjoon takes you on the greatest date known to man.

He grills Jimin with questions about what you like over dinner one night. Jimin finds it endearing that Jungkook is so eager to rectify his mistakes, but he still can’t help but worry that Namjoon is doing this to save face—not because he actually likes you.

“So, what does she like doing?” Jungkook asks as he spins his pasta around his chopsticks idly.

Jimin smiles as he takes a bite of the ramen Jungkook has thoughtfully prepared for their stay-at-home date.

“I’ve told you already! She’s easy to figure out.” Jimin pats Jungkook’s hand gently. “She loves cooking and baking, working out, daydreaming about Namjoon.”

“Cooking, hm,” Jungkook looks thoughtful as he takes a bite. “I think Namjoon can work with that. I’ll let him know!”

Jimin tries to hide the anxiety brewing in his stomach. He’s had to plaster on a fake smile for you while you tried on different outfits, wondering which will be the one to finally convince Namjoon he is the one for you. It’s hard to fake it around his boyfriend, too—but something tugs in his stomach that flares the cynical side of him.

Namjoon went from not knowing of your existence, to watching you get publicly embarrassed in a matter of minutes. While Namjoon isn’t a terrible guy, Jimin knows he doesn’t like anything to tarnish the gentleman reputation he’s built in the office. And as much as Jimin likes him, and surely likes his friend Jungkook, he can’t help but feel skeptical.

Jungkook hurriedly pulls out his phone and types away, letting his elder friend know of what he’s found out. Jimin swallows his food, and his pride, and hopes to god his growing cynicism is wrong.

Friday comes slower than you’d like. You wake up every day during the week, one day closer, and your eagerness hits peak levels. Namjoon sees you in the hallways during the week and winks at you, hands shoved in his tight slacks that make you salivate.

He emails you again Thursday afternoon, confirming things and getting your address. You reply in nanoseconds, uncaring how overeager you come off.

By the time your alarm clock rings on Friday morning, you’ve already been awake for 4 hours.

All you can do is daydream about the date, the way his hand fits into yours, the warmth of his eyes when he smiles at you.

It’s what fuels you through work.

You hope to god the numbers you’re attempting to work during the day come out right, because your mind is elsewhere for more than most of the day. There isn’t enough coffee in the world, but also your body feels as if you’ve overdosed on caffeine already.

The clock eeks towards 5:00 pm and you’re bolting out the door at 4:56 to head home and get ready for your date.

Jimin attempts to meet you before you leave, but your desk is cold and empty by the time he gets there.

He sighs and heads back towards his office to gather his things, waving bye to various coworkers as they file out of the corporate building.

He turns the corner towards his office but stops in his tracks as he sees Namjoon’s back to him, phone pressed to his ear.

“Baby, I’ll come over later tonight, okay?” Namjoon speaks into the phone.

Jimin feels his heart fall into the pit of his stomach. He retreats and hides behind a wall, ear carefully peeled to listen to the tall man’s conversation.

“I’m going on this date with that chick from work,” he sighs. “It won’t last more than a few hours. Poor girl has a crush on me and you know the usual assholes won’t leave her alone.”

Jimin bites his lip and clenches his fist. Namjoon thinks he means well, but he knows his suspicions have been confirmed, and he’s torn inside. He wants to tell you, to warn you not to get too invested in the man, but he also has no interest in popping the bubble you’ve been in since the day he asked you out.

Jimin lets it simmer for now. He decides he’ll monitor Namjoon and cut things off if it appears the man strings you along for fun.

Namjoon finishes his phone call with a promise to see whoever is on the other end of the phone later that night, and Jimin quickly pulls out his phone and fakes a conversation with no one when he hears the man approach.

“Oh, Kookie,” Jimin giggles, leaning against the wall casually. “I can’t wait to see you tonight, either, babe.”

Namjoon walks towards Jimin and makes eye contact with the HR specialist.

“Bye, Kook! See you tonight, baby.” Jimin finishes up the fake phone call as Namjoon arrives next to him, and he plasters on his best fake smile.

“Congrats on you and Jungkook,” he speaks sincerely.

Jimin hates how nice he is, hates that he’s a nice guy who gets too wrapped up in his own good looks and reputation.

“Thanks, Namjoon,” Jimin smiles uneasily. “You too! Have fun on your date tonight.”

Namjoon’s face lights up and Jimin desperately wishes he could go back in time to 30 seconds ago, before he heard the conversation, and believe that Namjoon truly wanted to date you.

“Thanks, should be fun, huh?” He winks and nudges Jimin, before he waves a goodbye and continues out the door.

Jimin pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials the number of his boyfriend.

“Hey, baby. We’ve got a problem.”

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