#ive been feeling like shit for months now maybe a year | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trashpawz · 8 months

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Tumblr is basically my vent now

#ive been feeling like shit for months now maybe a year #i dont know what i should do about shit #last time we fought he said he was lonely when we met and hes not lonely now and thats why hes not as affectionate as before #and that i need to get used to that #but im still lonely i still want our old relationship back #going to sleep alone is almost impossible for me im missing work because of it #he doesnt tell me stuff he does #he gives me the smallest kiss when i get back from work and then he just wants to be on his phone #if i mess with him he laughs and makes me stop #if i try to talk to him he doesnt listen half the time #everyone tells me he loves me but i dont see it #he says he does and i think he cares for me but i dont know how much he loves me and it sucks #i feel like an afterthought or a prop most of the time #and i try to think maybe hes tired but im always tired after my 12 hour shifts #and he wants me to do all this stuff with his family all the time and I try #he doesnt say goodnight or sweet dreams or ask about my day #hell only tell me when i ask and he gives me the shortest version #idk i could go on but this sucks

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definitelynotnia · 6 months

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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

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dunmertwink · 1 month

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#so im gonna be a lil bitch on main for a minute #ive been offline for a while #pretty much absent from all my socials #im in a pickle financially like i have no money anywhere #my credit cards are maxxed #my bank account is negative 400 dollars #im getting 20 dollars less in disability benefits a month without a clear reason for the witholding #granted its only 20 bucks less but that still makes a huge difference when thats my ONLY source of income #AND i am moving into a new apartment which should be an exciting experience finally moving out of my parents house and on my own and all BUT #even with the voucher program i would need an additional 600 to be able to afford my rent share and utilities #on top of being negative 400 dollars a month so now thats -1000 #WHICH end result and the crux of this whole rant #i can no longer help #like i am fucking useless right now and people are literally dying #i have many unanswered asks from gazans right now that I cannot even help bc im so broke #it feels really bad bruv like reallybad #feels like absolute shit #and it ust feels so wrong to ask for help when others need it more #like i dont think i could do that #wtf man #is it me upset that my entire disability check goes to bills to the point where i overdraft every month? yeah sure #my art does not sell and ive tried everything! like it just DOES NOT sell #and it all kinda boils down to me not having any sort of following online #i just breached 200 followers here after 13 years on this website #most are inactive blogs from years ago so i maybe have like... 10 active followers?#whiny usamerican rant over for now #delete later

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arts-i-enjoy · 6 months

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AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated

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angelstrawbabie420 · 3 days

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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it

#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn #god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from #but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell #but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at #least become more resistant to it #i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE #and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless #it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19 #but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on #FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick #then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything #it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life #i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself #ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt #available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival #and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches #the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair #and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true #and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears #i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30 #it was all so sudden and quick and shocking #yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit #and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant #over this bullshit #it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies #everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS #it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm #it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.

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conanssummerchild · 5 months

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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

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ambersky0319 · 2 months

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guess who didnt realize/forgot others could see their profile on roommate websites and got messaged by someone asking if i was still looking for a room when i dont actually plan on moving until much later this year 🙃

#multiple reasons i cant move sooner: health insurance. phone. not enough money to sustain myself yet #i did check anyway tho and the apartment offered was. a LONG 2 bus rides away from campus & my work #so even if i was looking. itd have very likely been a no just for that unfortunately (im hoping to cut down on commute time not increase it)#i did feel a lil bad tho and IMMEDIATELY paused my account 😅#i only created them bc i was getting a feel for how those sites worked more than anything #and also seeing if i could find someplace cheaper than $850/month since thats all my sib found and #that is an entire month worth of paychecks #i do not plan on spending that much on rent alone. i need to eat AND id like to still have something for things i enjoy #anywho i wished her luck but uh yeah im gonna have to tinker a bit more. see whats there to hide my profiles for now #or maybe just openly tell people like 'i actually cant move until much later this year ive only just been familiarizing myself w these sites #so unless you can wait that long...' bc i dont wanna waste people's time nor my own yknow?#anywho #amber's shit you can ignore

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pepprs · 1 year

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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!

#purrs #just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to #learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels #and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t #mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about #sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to #get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if #anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t #even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself #questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also #means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me #but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to #interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up #every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you #should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt #and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later #like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖

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0tul1ss · 1 year

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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again #it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from #and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk #or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose #i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it #i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life #i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me #i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all #i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have #<-going insane #anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship #anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do #good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post #ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with #[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me #and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle #vent

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chisatowo · 2 years

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Man I've been dead as fuck on here I miss posting stuff but idk what to post abt :/

#rat rambles #Ive mostly been thinking abd wc rp stuff and a lil bit of sploon and bndori but not enough that I feel motivayes to talk abt it #idk I might try doing an oc art ask game tomorrow maybe. like yall can give me two characters and Ill draw a scene between them #honestly if you wanna lock and load a pair ahead of time feel free to send it just know I might not get to it in a bit #I do have owed art Im working on still but Ive drawn more art than I have due total in one day before so Ill be fine #Im getting to draw monkeys for the first time so thats exciting!! Ive been wanting to for a while but havent had a good excuse to so Im #having fun with it :]#Im happy abt how flexible my artstyle is now if you asked me to draw a monkey like a year ago Id probably die djskhdjd #also Im soooo much better at poses now which also makes me rly happy #idk I just feel like my art is in a good place rn :]#I still have things I wanna improve on (mainly perspective) but all in all I think Ive made HUGE progress over the past year #I will say though I still feel like a lot of my stuff from abt a year ago still holds up (not all of it tho lol)#like in abt 2 months my beats animation will be a year old and thats fucking wild to me #but I will say I think in general my art is on average better quality noe #plus I will say the background in that animation was kinda shit Ive definitely improved on that frong djskysjs #I still have way more to go until Ill be happy with my ptoper backgrounds though #Im not bad at them per say but I dont rly know what Im doing with them either #I wanna be able to more easily get across the images I have in my head for backgrounds #Ill get there eventually tho #for now Im ok with where Im at Im sure Ill improve more as I draw as is always the case djsjhsks

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ceolocunt · 4 months

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#today has been. such an insane day I dotn even know where to start #there is so much on my mind about my panrets and my sister and my friends and #im drunk rn btw. which explains everything #but I just dont kno whow to even begin to unpack how im feelin #I dont know where to start #I feel like im a million miles from all my friends because I AM (physically) (emotionally)#and I feel like im a million miles from my parents because I AM (emotionally)#I feel like im a million miles from help #ive been looking into residential programs and my therapist has supported this but I just have no idea how id approach this idea to my pare #parents.#bc I have in the past and like.#idk I just keep replaying this fucking memory of me showing my mom a hospital and saying “this looks like somewhere good for me"#and her saying “for your sister?” <- or smth like that. its been a year #im just. sad. all the time and especially when im drunk #me when the depressant depresses 🤯 aint no wayyyyy #but yeah its crazy how my parents are too tired to start shit to point out the obvious self harm scars ive gained since january.#shocker!!! <- this is a pattern #my parents love ignoring my self harm #im just so tired #im so tired #this is going to be a really hard summer I really need people to check in on me. hopefully #ill do what I can do talk to other people #also the urge to buy a pack of cigs is so fucking strong. I miss weed. I miss anything thats not fucking alcohol. I hate it!!! and yet #ironic my dad gave me his 30 days sober coin as a gift and now im drunk off my ass #also my ex texted me today im normal about that too. fuck that guy fr #anyway. idk. I havent showered yet tonight but I know im gonna regret it when I do. im just so sad and tired and done #its not even relapsing if ive been conisistently self harming for the past 6+++ months lmao I need to stop lying to myself. but I wont #im just tired. I want a hug. I want to stop being the one people rely on. I want to be loved without it feeling conditional #maybe I want too much and this is my punishment

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toastsnaffler · 9 months

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I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule #im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep #and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it #drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3 #bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and-#b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant #by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long #i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes #just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to-#go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway #and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao #whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway #ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man #i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-(#im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people-#seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This.#i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in..#like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still #it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED #UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383 #.diaries #.vent

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strawbebyjam · 10 months

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thinking abt how agar tum saath ho was my oh-god-i-hope-i-never-feel-like-that song and now it’s the oh-shit-that’s-where-things-are-and-will-stay song

#i love it here!#i know i can’t change anything but like #idk wish i’d never heard these sobgs in the first place #cause now they just randomly loop in my brain til i cry even though i’m actively avoiding listening to them??? help #like mitski hadestown and sad desi music are literally. earworming to no end as if i am not already wrecked enough HDJDHDDH #it’s been like. barely a month i thh #i think or two months i’m not sure but it feels like i’ve been stuck in this. gross heartbroken version of myself for a year. like time #feels so criminally warped HDJDHD it sucks? i feel so pathetic like #on the one hand i don’t wanna discount that the person that ends things can also feel a lot of pain and i know things aren’t sunshine on #either side but on the other hand i do feel like i’m the one who’s more. like. i’m not hurting more there’s not really a gauge for that but #i feel like i’m definitely more pathetic HDNDHDHD #like they must see me and think. holy shit. how did i ever love that mess. yknow. like #idk feeling gross! feeling. extremely. just repulsive? and unable to imagine any world where i have any appeal n the like. thought that mayb #maybe that’s what they see too when they look back has been. stuck in mu head on top of all else and it makes everything so mych worse #i wanna be good avout all this so bafly and i keep failing and i dont know what yo do with muself #everytime i try to do something thats supposed yo be good or healthy it feels so. horrible #ive didappointed so many people i jnkw that and i dont beed like. msuic and shit to remind me i already feel like im at rock bottom #neg #mano.mindtalk #tonight is. very not great GDJDHDHD

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mrfoox · 2 years

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Wtf is my fascination with this little freak.... Hes just a dude but I'm so intrigued, I'm tired

#miranda talking shit #Its been two years but i still dont understand him so im guessing thats why #Tbf we didnt become closer until a year ago or something so yeah. But since day one i just felt like it was something with him and now im #Frustrated. Hes literally just a dude. Yet my brain find him so fascinating. I know i in general am very interested in people i like #But this guy man... I think it might be because i can understand him and thus cant predict him? My brain does love a mystery.#I mean i had an fairly intense period of 3-6 months where i was super fascinated by fabian. I still kinda am but now i think #I understand how he works over all so i do not feel the intense need to ask him all kinds of things and analyze? Bc now i have an decent #Idea of how he works. Meanwhile this little freak is almost the opposite of me in everything and i just want to study him. I think in a way #He reminds me of myself at least in the way of 'dealing' with mental problems etc. Or rather my past self. So i want to challenge him to do #It differently. I dont think i have an savior conplex or something when it comes to him bc i do basically not... Tell him to change?#I dont think i could change him. So thats not what my fascination comes from... But holy shit i just want to talk with him about everything #Also probably why i like him that he will answer any questions i ask. No topic has been bad or too weird and i appriciate that in others #But nah. Never been this intrested in someone whos this diffrent than me ever. I always need to have something major in common for a strong #Intrest. But here its like... We are both introverts ... And both social actors/pretenders... Otherwise our similarities are pretty small #I really wish i knew exactly why my brain is so intrested in him . I think its my hyperfixation being activated unfortunately.#Technically he have a lot of things/traits i dont like? But still i dont find him annoying or something?#Many things i dont agree or have the same opinion as him on. But i just find it refreshing ? Maybe its bc i basically havent known anyone #Like him. Hes not the type of person i attract or even put my time into i think. That's why ive told him we'd not be friends if we didn't #Meet this way. I would probably not have wanted to talk to him and i cant see him wanting to talk to me. Especially if we met when younger #No way teen Miranda would not go near him iajdjfjskskd id like to discuss this with him but im scared to scare him and scared to learn #Something bad or him not caring for me or something. I know he doesnt care about many things so id not be suprised but #Fuck this guy. I wamt to obsess over a video game instead where there are wikis to read /:

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jvzebel-x · 2 years

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🦋

#maybe its the holidays having a negative effect on my psyche (or maybe the psychic damage being directed toward me #from various sources due to the season has finally hit lmao)#but i am feeling particularly foul today&have given up on trying to get past it for the night lol.#like i guess it didnt help that the day started w/ a doc who spent the entire apt talking to me in heavy sighs #as tho my many degenerative physical&subsequent mental health issues are a massive inconvenience to him lmao #but also my custom fucking harley davidson jacket was just stolen&i am extremely upset about it lol.#&like i am feeling particularly fucking angry at the fact that i officially own NOTHING objectively Nice #that i did not have to MAKE appealing or valuable-appearing myself.#the last few years have seen my camera laptop guitar and every console i had worth decent money either sold or stolen.#i have not owned a cellphone in years that didnt come sold as a burner from walmart.#i went so long w/o glasses that it took months to reorient myself so i didnt walk into walls.#i am feeling extremely incapable of being grateful right now&am trying desperately not to start foaming at the mouth #like a rabid animal but i gotta be real honest this shit is getting TOUGH&the next person unfortunate enough to tempt me #into ripping their throat out w/ my teeth will def regret it lmao.#i need some sugar&some sleep but i Want a large dose of adrenaline lol #ive never been super into hurting mySELF at all. my favoured form of self harm has always been #putting myself in intensely dangerous situations lmao.#so instead of going out looking for trouble i am going to smoke roughly two grams of wax #&kill the violence+bitterness churning in me right now lmao.

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