#but im still lonely i still want our old relationship back

[trashpawz]

Tumblr is basically my vent now

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling someone my friend got back together with their mutual ex?

(sorry for the vague title, it’s a complicated situation and it’s hard to explain in one sentence. this happened a few years ago but i’m very curious about if i was in the wrong, ages reflect how old everyone was at the time and all names are changed)

i (18f) am in a friend group of 5 people, and we’re all very close and have been for years. two members of this group were Charlie (18m) and Kilo (18f). Charlie and Kilo were secretly dating for about a year, but despite it being a secret they were in a serious relationship (said they loved each other, talked about their future together, etc). after around 6 months of dating Kilo, Charlie started to get close with Sierra (16f), who was not a member of our friend group but we were all friends with her. Charlie told Sierra that he and Kilo were having sex but that it wasn’t serious, which was a lie. Charlie and Sierra started dating while he was still with Kilo, and he told Sierra that he and Kilo had stopped seeing each other while also telling Kilo that he and Sierra were just friends. eventually he actually broke things off with Kilo, then told the rest of our friend group that he and Sierra were now dating. this obviously upset Kilo, who had been suspicious about Sierra for their whole relationship, and she facetimed the rest of our group and told us that she and Charlie had been secretly dating for the past year, and he had cheated on her with Sierra. eventually Kilo told Sierra the truth, and Sierra broke up with Charlie because he lied to her. 

then a lot happened but the basics are: Kilo is a very kind person and forgave Charlie and we all started being friends again, Sierra was still friendly with all of us but she had her own friends so she sorta moved on, and this was in 2020 so the pandemic happened about a month later so it was a very emotional & lonely time for everyone. im a little fuzzy on the details at this part but during the pandemic Sierra and Charlie started talking again, but then Sierra stopped talking to him and started dating someone else a few weeks later. then Charlie and Kilo started talking again

that was a lot of context but heres where i got involved: Charlie and Kilo didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes they had made the first time they dated, so once they started officially dating again, they told our friend group. i was honestly pretty pissed that they were back together because i was still mad at Charlie for cheating on Kilo (she was one of my best friends so i was mad that he hurt her), and because i had just talked to Sierra the week prior and she told me that the two of them had been talking before she broke things off with him again, so i felt like Kilo was his backup choice after he couldnt be with Sierra so i was pissed at him. 

so i texted Sierra and told her that Kilo and Charlie were dating again. the part that might make me the asshole here is that i texted her about 30 seconds after they told me, so Kilo didn’t even have a chance to talk to Sierra before i told her. that night, Sierra texted Kilo to basically tell her that it was a stupid idea that they were dating again, meanwhile Charlie was texting Sierra about how she broke his heart (it was super weird and to this day i don’t know if Kilo knows that Charlie was texting her that night). Kilo reached out to me and asked if i told Sierra, and i said yes. Kilo got mad at me for getting involved and said i shouldve stayed out of it, i said that Sierra had a right to know, and also that Charlie didn’t deserve a second chance.

AITA for telling Sierra that Kilo and Charlie were back together?

[reidslovely]

idk My maladaptive daydream scenarios have been thinking about Toxic! Peter and whatnot.

Like him being like that bc of Gwendy’s death (but before he was like that too- with there on and off relationship 😒). So him and reader have an on and off thing going on and reader is tired of his shit and finally breaks up w/ him . And at first he’s like “pssh yeah whatever” but a few months to a year go by and he realizes how bad he fucked up. Maybe he gets Spider-man to woo her over or maybe jus regular old peter.

Sorry this was so long, like I said it was a maladaptive day dream scenario so its been on reply in my mind. I really love your writing by the way and hope you’re back for our Spider-boy like you said in your post 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

hi friend!! i am back for our spider-boy and i'm so sooo happy to be back thank you guys for welcoming me back 🩶🩶🩶. and honestly...toxic peter has been on my mind too recently especially after rewatching tasm 2 because what the fuck peter???

he dumps gwen after graduation and he's so pathetically lonely and yeah he follows gwen around but it doesn't really do anything for him. so he wonders off and finds some fucked up solace in his next door neighbor who had always had a thing for him. he just shows up on her doorstep playing the role of kicked puppy so well, she can't help but to let him back in and let it be how it was before Gwen came in senior year and she got all of his attention. Peter takes her on romantic dates, sweet long kisses, fun jokes one week but the next it's like she doesn't exist to him (definitely slips up calling her gwen on occasion.) especially after he and Gwen start talking again, but Peter still has her on the side.

One night he's ready to sneak in her window, that she usually leave unlocked for him, ready to make up being gone for so many weeks. But it's locked. He knocks on the door, his eyebrows furrowed motioning to the lock pulling it, but not hard enough because he could easily break that lock if he really wanted. "baby open the window come on." he teases. "I said I was sorry, come on."

he's playing kicked puppy again, and she almost lets him in. "Come on she doesn't want me, you do." "that's the reason you want me. you don't love me peter, you don't even know me anymore." "you're being fucking ridiculous" he laughs waiting for a moment seeing her not even budging from her spot on the bed. "open the window (y/n)" he says his voice loosing its humor. "go home peter, im over it." she said closing the curtains on him. and he doesn't care. at least he convinces himself he doesn't care. it was her loss, he was a fucking catch. all he did this whole time was respect her and she was blowing this up. except till the one person he had outside of her dies right in front of him. he lost gwen completely this time, there is no comeback there is no way to redeem himself. and he actually starts to see the monster he's become. he hurt gwen multiple times and she was still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt every time. he even thinks of (y/n) time to time and how badly he treated her because he was wrapped up in himself and what was best for him. he watched her a lot in his six months of bedroom grieving, like how he would with gwen. he watched her sit out on her roof writing or doing work, he watched her leave for work and come home at night. they locked eyes one night when he was standing on his roof, about to change into the suit for the first time in months. he thought he even saw her smile at him like she used too. it definitely take a toll on him because though this alone time was needed to help him process, but he missed being cradled by her. missed the way her hands tangled in his hair, missed when she'd laugh to make him smile. he did miss her, but she'd never accept that. it takes three weeks to the day, till he is on her window again, sweat clung to his forehead, his mask torn and exposing crucial parts of his face. he didn't even get to knock on the window before she's helping him in, sitting him on the floor pulling the mask off his face. he's crying from pain and regret, apologies spewing out of his mouth. she gets the mask off his face, asking him what he needs. He shakes his head holding her hand that's on applying pressure to his bleeding ribs. "need you." "god even in times like this all you wan.." "-to forgive me. 'm sorry so sorry. I do..do care about you. you're the only person I wanted..wanted to see-" "you're gonna wind yourself peter, we can talk about this later. what do you need?" "like fifteen tylenol, my body will heal it's self." she, though argues him not needing to take that many tylenol, gets him what he asks for and helps him change while wrapping his ribs. they end the night with heartfelt conversations, and peter swearing he'll spend the rest of his life making this up to her, and showing her what he really deserves.

yeah..this has been brewing. so sorry if you were not asking me to write, I started and couldn't stop lmao thank you for sharing your daydream with me friend and trust me no worries about the length I'm also longwinded 🫶🏼

[coleszzzworld]

Title-come a little closer.

Drummer bakugo! X lead singer ! reader (fem pronouns )

Non quirk AU! , Band Au!

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

A/N ✰~surprisingly this isn’t a yandere fic :0 I’ve been reading band Au’s for mha and I wanted to make one….even tho this isn’t a yandere fic , it’ll still be a lil dark just like my soul:)

TRIGGER WARNING! ✰~cussing , mentions of weed , alcohol use , some depressing topics, bakugo literally hating reader at first but eventually falling madly in love with her , toxic relationships , POSITIVELY DO NOT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED. ✰~Enjoy the fall. ✰~🐇♦️🖤

✰~“Ten thousand people stand alone now”~ ✰

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

“I fucking quit!” Tera screams in the blonde males face , “your a piece of shit bakugo! You and this god awful band! , with out me you guys are fucked!!“ she says pointing at his chest , “and above all , you need me . With out me….your a nobody, you’ll be lonely! , your such a idiot katsuki bakugo.” She says then walking out the door, all of bakugo’s thoughts are racing. He hasn’t even reacted , he’s not mad , or sad , or happy….he can’t feel anything.

‘Maybe she’s right .. your definitely gonna be lonely. And your a piece shit .’ A voice says in his head , eventually he walks out pulling his hood up , walking to the nearest bar to drink his feelings away .

Eventually Three months later , you came . Bakugo hated you for it . He didn’t want you taking the lead singer position. He wants Tera to come back . To sing….And love him. He’s been trying to keep that position open for her . But she never came back . The whole reason she left was because she wasn’t nice to the band or bakugo . She would manipulate him , and bully the rest of the band . The fame hit her to hard . She would treat the band like she was all the talent and they were a bunch of nobody’s…..She doesn’t care about nobody but her self . Deep down bakugo hoped she cared for him ….. “Oi!” Bakugo says aggressively walking up to you , “who the fuck are you ?” He says getting up in your face , before you could respond kirishma responds for you , “bakubro she’s the new lead singer !” He smiles at him , bakugo literally felt like it was the end of the world . You replaced Tera’s spot. She supposed to come back . She supposed to come back…and love him . And never leave him . “Hell she is ! , listen here dumb ass your not apart of the band so get lost you -“ you cut him off , “listen dude you need to chill, I’m here to stay . “ you say as you shrug your shoulders, he doesn’t even reply he simply walks away mumbling curse words .

Eventually the band went on tour and you guys did your newest song in Japan and the crowd went wild . They loved you !, even people said you were better then Tera , seeing that all over social media pissed bakugo off so bad ….Yeah you were a okay singer but your not better then tera, it pissed him off so much , he literally barged into your hotel room , “what the hell is this ?” He says as he holds your phone in-front of your face , you take a hit off the bong before replying, “look dude , I don’t -“ you cough trying to clear the smoke out of your chest , eventually you respond “as I was saying, I don’t control the media, if they say I’m better then this ‘tera’? , then that’s their opinion, I don’t even know her… “ you say before taking another hit of your bong , then eventually speaking again, “so who is Tera , is she a singer or something.” You say looking at a fuming bakugo , “your such a dumb ass ….. And yeah she’s a singer , used to be our singer before you took her spot .” He says annoyed , “dude what?, kiri said the old singer was kicked out . And she wasn’t nice to the band…or you . She sounds like a bitch….In my opinion, look Im not trying to piss you off or anything…but if someone you love isn’t treating you or your friends right…then they gotta go .” You say shrugging your shoulders , bakugo thinks about it for a little bit , I mean he always knew it wasn’t right . But he needed someone to tell him how fucked up it was . And it had to come from you . He was beyond mad that you said that, but also felt a bit comfortable with you since you said that .

Before he could respond you hold out the bong to him , “you want a hit?…you look like you need it!” You say looking at him smirking. All he could think about …is how caring you are towards him….. no ! What is he thinking , he’s supposed to be hating you for taking Teras spot . But he can’t turn down some weed . “Fine dumb ass” he responds taking the bong .

And since that you guys talked all night , talking about your past , your goals , where you see yourself in the future, if aliens are real , you know some high talk . To the point where you and bakugo are laying on the floor together looking at the ceiling listening to what ever band is playing. He eventually looks at you . How could you be this beautiful. Your a great person . Your laid back . You tell it how it is . Your not snobby. Or spoiled . You care for other people…and other peoples emotions. Your selfless…..He wanted you . Eventually you turn your head to look at him , “…what ya looking at?” You say smiling, “n-nothing dumbass!” He responds looking away , “so um….if Tera was so bad , why didn’t you guys kick her out earlier. ?” You ask confused looking at him , he eventually looks at you before responding, “I didn’t want her….to leave. I would convince the band to just ignore her and stay out her way . Until they did the right thing and kicked her out , well she wanted to make it like she quit but she got kicked out. I didn’t …want her to leave me . I hate….feeling lonely .” He says looking into your eyes , “well , you know what bakugo your a great person. I mean your a little mean . But your a cool person and even tho you made a mistake by convincing your friends to stay quiet. What matters is what you do to make up for it . And you didn’t deserve what she did to you . She’s the shitty person not you .” You say staring into his eyes .

Eventually you both kiss , you pull back , “…oh bakugo, I didn’t think you liked me like that “ you say giggling, “sh-shut up.” He says shyly but still aggressive, eventually you pull him into another kiss . Maybe you weren’t a dumb ass overall .

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

A/N- ( YOOO YALL WANT THIS AS A SERIES?🤨LMK CAUSE ILL DO IT FR 😭)

[ivankov-save-me]

I'm spiraling pretty bad right now. I just got off the phone with my parents, and they've been conservative and voted Trump in the past, but I've always thought of them as reasonable people with bad information who felt forced into it. When I deconstructed a bit and found myself in the dreaded Radical Left (tm) (c) (r), I was so fucked up over how it would affect our relationship that I spent a month researching and writing an essay fully outlining why I changed my mind with citations and easy to use links and everything. I was like "I know my Dad. He cares about these issues and sees things like I did, surely something here will awaken something in him." He even said he was taking his time reading through it and taking his time! I thought maybe I'd pull him at least further away from the weird shit he sometimes said.

Evidently not.

He managed to fit in a "joke" about the racist lie Trump spouted about Springfeild, Ohio in the couple of seconds I spoke to him on the call. I've been off of Facebook for a while, so I had a friend look at his wall. Full of anti-Kamala sentiment (not the "Arms Embargo Now" kind, some Facebook conservative bullshit), anti-trans sentiment, and just run of the mill conservative brainrot.

I feel so lost. Up until today I thought maybe he was different than he is, and that he wasn't just devolving into the bitter, angry, lonely old man sitting in front of his screen that his father is. He even sees the racism and bitterness in his father, and is ashamed of it, but im watching him do the exact same thing.

How am I supposed to come out as trans and be taken seriously now? Words can't describe the love I have for my dad, we have done so many cool things together. He's kind to so many people and there's so much I admire about him. And, most of all, when things aren't political and he is just him, I love being around my Dad.

I don't know if being a girl is worth losing my Dad. I'm worried it will push him to see me as "lost" to the woke mind virus in the same way I see him. He doesn't live in the same reality as me. How am I supposed to convince him that I should be taken seriously when I say I'm trans, let alone supported?

Worst and scariest yet, what if I am wrong about being trans, and this whole thing has just been a weeks long excursion in fooling myself and playing dress up? What if I go through all of the pain of losing him and have to crawl back and say "you're right, I'm not trans, I just wanted to be accepted into a community of people I thought were cool" or something. Or, worse yet, what if I get the support (even if confused) and get down the road to discover I'm not a trans woman? That also wouldn't go well.

And I understand all of the "well you don't need those people" things and the "trump didn't make anyone a bad person, he exposed how bad people are" and all that stuff. But it's still my Dad, and he was a great, kind man who worked hard to not be the bigot his father is before Trump. Now he thinks Harris is going to trans your kids and ban fossil fuels.

[joculine]

freshman year facebook rp groups and "dnd" friend circles.

its hard to dig back for that. i think it's gone, the original FB group. gone gone. i did a little digging and found a few image scraps, a big text dump.

there are a few others. i can track the freshman year dnd group i was in, from where it started, to all the scene kids showing off their dyed hair, trying to coordinate car pools to see like, the hobbit or whatever was out, dumb little FB post RP chats.

of course, the last post, the one at the top, is the post that killed the group. someone tried to start up a new campaign, i wanted to be a pirate, and then that shitty girl popped in and said "if its not awkward i would also like to be a part."

she kinda fucked up a lot of her friendships at the end of that year. looking back at how the dates line up, i imagine some very tough things were going on for her. she'd come out as trans in about a year or so and i know her parents were shit. its funny, i can dig into that old RP account i have and see she's actually still using hers as of this week. i think it's her primary facebook account.

i flip back through there and see all these messages about how she wants to kill me and beat me up and put me in cages and fuck me and hurt me. she talks unprompted about how she thinks im annoying or gross or dumb as shit and sends me whatever porn shes looking at. and then id go to school the next day and see her and we'd have a fun time. its sort of shocking to look at. but… shes a kid. maybe 14 or 14 years old. shes a huge asshole and really not a good person for me to be around, but shes still just a kid. and i know the same thing was happening to her, but unlike me it was coming from people she didnt know IRL and who were probably too old to be talking to her in the first place. i dont really know what to do with that in hindsight.. maybe i didnt at the time either...

anyway, on that post i see a lot of people commenting that we need to hash out our beef and reconcile. i didnt comment again though.

i look through all those messages and i see someone who is trying very hard to be liked. trying very hard to stay liked. kids are dumb. kids do dumb things to each other. it means a lot in the moment, but in the long run teenagers are just assholes. i think a lot of these people were especially shitty and occasionally both physically and verbally abusive. but they were the friends i had until i broke away. they were important to me.

i tried digging around a little more, to see if i could find my old messages with jack. (this is a different now tboy jack than the one i was posting about last week)

the messages go up to when we started texting. i dont really remember how long we dated and it was all online so was it really dating? ehh. no. i havent counted it since sophmore year. he was a good one though, better than most of the other people there. we both thought the other one hated each other, so we were both kind of mean in person in that way that tweens are. he moved before i ever got the chance to tell him how i felt in person.

its not easy. its not easy to all remember. it was all so long ago. i dont think i want to remember either. it was a time and a place where i felt so lonely.

im glad thats not where i am now. but i miss those people and that time. or i miss what could have happened, if it hadnt fallen apart or if i had made more of an effort or if things were just a little nicer.

its weird.. it was such a weird time to be a kid online. its still a weird time to be a kid online.

in a way, i almost miss it. i miss that thrill of being part of such a large group of people who all had different things going on and all had different relationships to each other. but when i really think about it...

i wish i had been who i had wanted to be. that i had known who i wanted to be. i wish i met these people on the level that they were beginning to come to themselves. i think everyone in that group had a 5 to 6 year headstart on figuring out their deals, as gay or, trans guys, butches, trans fems, etc. i was at bisexual, i know that much. but i retreated from that after i left that group, totally sealed off any thought that i was something other than straight and cis for... about six-ish years. i think it was too painful thinking about how i felt and how it feel apart to dwell on that part of myself that id had the fleeting chance to explore.

one guy there, the one who actually organized most of the RPs and the fanventure, was something else though. i think he knew who he was before anyone else. i think he knew who we all were before we did. he went across the spectrum of butch lesbian to GNC trans man and probably into other explorations of his identity since i knew him. i always found that really inspiring. it meant a lot that he saw me earlier this year when i came out publicly and shared in my joy. "im so happy for you." like he knew. like he always knew. maybe he did. maybe he didnt.

[kohakhearts]

ok i was sleep deprived tweeting about this but i got at least 6 hours of sleep last night so im ready to approach this with a degree of normalness. anyway remember when i said i was going to start shipping bloombolt ironically. well lets just say ive been thinking about things they have in common LMFAO but you’re likely unsurprised this is actually my way of saying Here’s How ShigeGou Can Still Win-

ANYWAY THE POINT BEING. goh? terrible friend. god he sucks. actually, chloe doesn’t even consider him a friend, at least not to his face (probably because he thinks friends are a hinderance to his goals and he’s got a lot of problems that make him think he doesn’t need friends he just needs to be the Bestest Coolest Guy Ever Who Knows Everything About Pokemon). in their debut episode they are 6 years old and she introduces him as someone who “hangs around my dad’s lab a lot” (possibly could be “comes to play at my dad’s lab a lot,” which isn’t REALLY much better - still holds the implication that he comes to play with her dad’s pokemon or his cool pokemon-related technology rather than her). she says to professor oak she invited him to pokemon camp simply because he’s always at her dad’s lab and she knew he’d like it.

ok now hear me out here. aside from the fact that she doesn’t EVER call herself goh’s friend, there is zero indication that chloe dislikes goh. actually, she tries pretty hard for him! she clearly likes him, or at least feels bad for him because she can tell he’s lonely (i theorize this is because he’s just like her. that her father’s status as what professor oak himself in this same scene calls A GENIUS has resulted in her feeling somewhat isolated. it’s probably in that “adults always want to talk about how great my dad is and the other kids pick up on it and think i’m Weird And Annoying because all our teachers and their parents seem to think i’m Special” way). it seems that her refusal to acknowledge that they Are friends stems more from the fact that she is aware - perhaps from experience - that attempting to establish that they Are friends will only make him push back, and maybe push her away. she is playing a game with rules that he decided on because his Complex is so ingrained in him even at 6 years old that he tells her to her face I Don’t Need Friends >:(

if this is sounding at all familiar, perhaps you’ve heard my pallet childhood friends spiel. if not, not to worry, for i wrote all about it here. the tl;dr here however is that whether or not ash and gary being childhood friends who go like see movies together or whatever is a late-series addition, there’s actually no good reason to think they DON’T have some kind of established relationship prior to the season one pilot. actually, it seems more as though gary has made the decision for the both of them that it’s time to stop being kids and start being serious - on the day they get their first pokemon, he declares ash his rival and begins calling him satoshi-kun in order to establish that we are not friends, you don’t take this seriously and so i won’t take you seriously until you show me you’re worth being my rival.

you could argue ash isn’t as understanding as chloe, so rather than you know, bringing him his homework and whatnot, he just gets pissed off. HOWEVER, they actually both do the same thing: reach out, constantly, and get rejected over and over. in jn002 goh stands chloe up and then when he finally responds to her messages all he says is essentially “i’m doing something more important than that, sorry” and her reaction is “he always does this.” likewise, ash takes gary’s rival declaration seriously! every time he sees the guy, he wants to battle, to prove himself to him (that he’s worthy, that he’s better than gary thinks, etc etc). for a good 200 or so episodes, every time gary shows up, all he does is walk away from ash. barring that, making fun of him for being no good at battling, yet never actually engaging him in a battle to prove it. the first time gary actually tries to battle him is after they’ve both received eight (uh. or ten) gym badges. the first time they actually battle is way after that. and then he wins and continues to just walk away again, until pretty close to the end of the johto arc (though there’s a little more respect there).

anyway the parallel is pretty obvious. at least to me. there's something deeply wrong with them both <3 which is why then in the project mew arc, who is the one telling goh that he has to be good at teamwork? that he has to learn to cooperate with people in order to achieve his goals? obviously ash is the one who taught goh about The Meaning Of FriendshipTM, but gary occupies a unique position of actually understanding why this is a skill he needs to work on, because it's something he had to learn the hard way too.

on the other hand! ash and chloe have their own fun solidarity: world's shittiest, most emotionally repressed childhood best friend who is allergic to the word friend to begin with

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

l, i was wondering if u could give me some suggestions on an issue i am facing.. its been 6 months since me n ex broke up (on winter solstice nonetheless..) for very good reasons after 3 yrs, we really were doing some damage to each other for a while , triggering each others core wounds like Crazy. i reaally was in a bad place for the whole last yr of it and now really do feel so much better being out. however we lived together for yrs and they were who i was closest to for so long, n we were each others first love once before at 16/17. i felt just anger for months, but now its residing and i just feel soooo tied to them still… i do not want to get bacj w them, but so much of my time now is spent in deep nostalgia of the happy/quiet moments, wanting the good of those times back even tho logically i know its Impossible. wishing i could go back and do it again. wanting to reach out even tho i know it would only be detrimental. i was wondering if u have any tips on balancing this miss with continuing to move on, as i know i must finally do so fully — i feel the anger was keeping me moving forward, but now that its waning i fear getting stuck in this state. i feel as tho this is why we got back together to begin w. anyhow thank u as always fer ur infinite wisdoms x dog bless

hello <3 i understand... both of us had big endings at winter solstice lol what kind of assertive force was in the air back then i wonder ! here's my advice althoug it seems to me u already know what's right for you so it's sort of just reinforcement of your feelings ---

first thing i want to get out of the way is that if you and this person were meant to be together i believe the breakup never would/ve happened & there would've never been a single doubt in your mind about this partnership. I can say this after spending a few years living with slimbo, like, We endlessly grow closer, our bond is fully forged in stability and peace and understanding. There is not a single moment in the past few years of being in their presence that i've had a single doubt of our longevity. We do not make each other's life hell in even the slightest sense. if something comes up we work it out within that day and it never carries over to the next. And that rarely occurs.

Previously in life i did not know such harmony could exist, but now that i know, i look at all my old relationships like damn, i can't believe i ever thought that person could've been "the one" when we clashing so often. And i mean it's not like i could've known better because for most of us, we grow up in families that face much conflict, you just think Oh this is normal right? People fight and thats normal, there's tension and it's normal. Well now i know it is NOT normal and when you find someone who's really ready to meet you where you're at it creates harmony, true harmony, even if external conflict arises it brings you closer, you can solve any problem together, you're on the same level.

(Also i'm not sure how old you are but i think it's super rare to find this type of harmony until a little later in life because youth is confusing & people are still figuring themselves out, gaining the maturity it takes to be a reliable partner and whatnot).

But what i feel is happening for you and this person is that you went through all these formative experiences together, and maybe you're missing the rush of that more than you miss the actual person. Like maybe you're just bored xD that's not meant to sound harsh im just being real. boredom often leads to nostalgia. a little nostalgia here and there can be fun & transmuted into new experiences but being overly absorbed in nostalgia is not conducive to growth, only stagnation. do not fall victim to halo effect just because you're bored or lonely!!

If you were to get back with this person it would 1) block the way for someone who truly matches your frequency to come through, and 2) Likely your repressed anger and resentment towards that person would begin to infiltrate the relationship again pretty quickly. It's not fair to them, nor is it fair to yourself, it would only prolong the suffering.

So i think to move forward from this experience you could try a few things. Firstly i think you're being called to really go inwards, figure out why you feel bored right now, why you feel something is lacking in your life when you have to be alone? Learn how to fill your time with more things you enjoy, becoming stronger in your self concept through introspection, hobbies, leisure, just having fun by yourself. When you can do stuff like this it actually makes you very attractive & radiant in a way that magnetizes people who are also pretty solid in themselves. U just can't really have a good healthy relationship unless both of you are solid and Know Yourselves like thats just a universal truth.

And another thing i'd consider trying is like, meditations where you envision yourself cutting the chord that energetically binds you to this person from your past. That is if you want to get a little woowoo with it. But i really believe in the effectiveness of those exercises. Don't rush into it, just like, when you feel truly ready, let it go. You can still hold your memories and honor your experience with them without wanting them to be in your physicality again. There are exes who i haven't spoken to in yeeeears who i actually can look upon much more fondly now that i've let go. i forgive them and wish them well but it's nice to be distant.

don't be afraid of change~~~don't be afraid that a better match will never come along for you. I didn't foresee anything about the romance i have now before it happened. I knew i wanted to find a love that felt balanced and fulfilling but not All-Consuming. by a total random sequence of events, my vibe was met. You just never know whats around the corner ^^ The more open you are to change, the more change will find you. But you know going back to that person would just be a needless repeat of an old cycle. it's ok to still cherish them and keep moving forward. it's good you're able to feel less angry towards them now, that shows growth & maturity. But dont let it drag you back in !!

i hope this resonates and doesn't sound too preachy lol . Just hate to see someone fall back into Old HABITS. For your sake and the sake of your old partner. letting go is a crucial skill to learn in this life. Best of luck to you anon, you sound like a good person who wants to do their best & that will carry you far in life & love.

Sincerely

PMD9 <3

[flowertot-s]

hi hi hello!! I love your art style, derek and edie look amazing!! please tell me everything about edie!! when did she start liking derek? how did she feel about the marriage pact? what’s her relationship with cove like? what did she do after high school? and any fun facts you wanna share!! :)

a total of One (1) person has asked abt my girl Edie so this means im allowed to go insane crazy. thats the rules soz babes

more info under the cut !

this is gonna start at step 2 bc thats where it’s more Interesting

during step 2, edie is an INCREDIBLY anxious girl; she got into an accident when she was 10 and became disabled, so she has to walk with crutches or a leg brace which makes her feel very insecure, mostly bc she would rather die than stand out at ALL

bc edie is so insecure she really latches on to basically anyone who gives her any form of attention, so when derek starts looking out for her n making sure she’s included in things, she IMMEDIATELY starts crushing on him. it’s different w cove, bc at first she had a crush on him too but realised it was more of an infatuation, mainly bc he was just someone new and interesting. cove has no idea about this, and she’ll take that secret with her to her grave. she almost hopes that by pushing her emotions down and ignoring them they’ll go away on their own - which obvs, they don’t. because of this insecurity, she finds herself really upset by derek’s marriage pact and denies it outright, mainly because at this point she doesn’t WANT to feel like she’s just an option for him when she’s spent so long being basically as in love as a 13 year old can be. 

after she turns 18 during step 3, she’s absolutely MISERABLE. she has no idea what she wants to do with the rest of her life and feels very pressured to follow Liz’s success. she’s drifted away from cove a little bit, but still considers him her friend; however, she does still stay in touch with derek, and he's basically her lifeline at this point bc he magically seems to understand what she’s going through. She does a bunch of crazy shit to her appearance, like getting tons of piercings, getting tattoos, and dyeing her hair, because if everything in her life is out of her control, she can at least control how other people perceive her. she did really well in school, but during her high school years it took more and more effort to keep her grades from slipping. 

between steps 3 and 4, she’s resolved to move to an entirely different country to start her whole life over from scratch. she studied law and criminology in England, rents her own place, gets in a few long term relationships, and nearly completely cuts contact with everyone she knew in Sunset Bird. while it worked for a while, she found herself feeling incredibly homesick and miserable. she hated to admit it, but she was lonely. once she graduated, she had no idea what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. she started a career as a clerk at a law office, hated it, and floated between a lot of different jobs while juggling a toxic relationship, loneliness, and post-grad study all at the same time. she decided that enough was enough, and reached out to derek for support; this is FINALLY where things start looking up for our girl. 

step 4 happens, she visits derek, and all of her feelings come rushing back all at once and it takes ALL of her effort to not immediately confess her love for him when she first sees him (because she’d just gotten out of her last relationship and didn’t want to rush into anything). but to hell with that, as soon as derek offers to have her live with him, she immediately accepts and they get into a relationship. she feels like she’s spent too much of her life taking things slowly because of her own insecurities, and she’s not gonna let them stand in the way of her happiness anymore. she and derek would get married pretty quickly, and edie really starts coming out of her shell towards the beginning of step 4. 

some other fun facts:

her favourite flavour of ice cream is mint chip

her star sign is scorpio

her love languages are acts of service and physical touch

her favourite movie series is lord of the rings

her mbti is ENTJ

she does eventually go on to repair her relationship with liz, though it takes some time

she and cove become closer friends again once she moves back to sunset bird

she sees mr suarez as her father figure

she got a hello kitty tramp stamp when she was drunk once and it’s still her favourite tattoo

she’s a GREAT storyteller

she’s dyed her hair every colour under the sun (her ends feel like STRAW at this point)

she’s a Pro GamerTM

I think career-wise she’d become an academic, as well as a college professor perhaps

thank u for reading this far ily

[blonkk]

im gonna rant!!!

i’m so tireeddddd of people projecting their pathetic insecurities onto everyone else (me). like i’m sorry you’re afraid to be alone and you don’t know who you are and you’re insecure and you have no courage. not to be a bitch but seriously. idc anymore maybe i am stuck up maybe i do think i’m better than you!! but coming at me because i refuse to do what everyone else does with such contempt and vigour just exposes you. like i have accepted that in my life i will not experience romantic love. not because it doesn’t exist, it does for some people, but i’m not gonna base my entire life and goals around meeting someone, falling in love, marrying them and having their children. i’d be ready to end my shit right now if those were my goals, being 28 and not even having a boyfriend. that means i’ve already failed at life but i knowwww i’m still a caterpillar. like be serious. sooooo yeah, sorry that in your narrow worldview everyone needs to basically get married and have kids, and there’s “someone out there for you” — what so all women gotta find that person by age 30 or our lives are over?? 😂 you delusional weirdos sound like hardcore christians. like maybe there is someone for me who i’ll meet when i’m 45 or 70! maybe i’ll never meet them! maybe there isn’t anyone because that’s just the way the world is! but i’m selfish because i don’t want to spend my life being miserable because i can’t find love and place all chances of future happiness on this person and the privilege of bearing/raising their kids??!!? so i should just settle for second best — of something i don’t even WANT — because everyone says it’s the point of life?… anyways

i’m just annoyed like i said. i can accept a loveless life, it’s hard but i’m ok lol. yeah it gets sad and lonely sometimes but truth is i have a pretty wonderful life that i’m thankful for, despite sadness, loneliness, grief etc. being in love won’t improve things in any significant way imo. i don’t want to be isolated in a relationship with a man. i don’t want to live with a man. i don’t want to have kids. i like my life; i like my 50 year old snowboard bum roommate, i like my shit car, i like having the ability to do whatever i want. i like bouncing from job to job, despite the financial insecurity and general lack of stability; all my life i’ve wanted to be free and independent, and i finally am — i can take care of myself which is what matters. i love my friends, i love exploring different hobbies and places and careers. i am literally unemployed and haven’t been this happy in a long, long time. i’m so sick of people telling me they “want me to be happy” but ignore me when i say i finally truly am. they just want to shove me in their stifling little box with them for god knows what reason. just because you think your life is perfect doesn’t mean it will be for everyone. idk, things change! maybe i’ll change too! but for now shut the fuck up. go be in your annoying relationship with your insufferable bf/husband and tell everyone how much were missing out on by not being married/having kids. the gals a couple feminist waves back beg to differ along with the steadily rising divorce rates and rapidly declining marriage and birth rates.

you’re the one who’s unhappy. if not, then you simply lack compassion and general respect for others. your worldview is small and you’re ignorant. your life is yours, others have different wants and will follow the path that leads them to those things. we all suffer for our choices — sure, i may wish at times i had a spouse and a house and a mouse. that doesn’t mean it’s what i have always wanted deep deep down. it means it’s normal to wonder what it would be like to have what you don’t and yearn a little sometimes. BUT i’d literally never give up my freedom. i think back to high school often and how restricted i felt; i couldn’t breathe. i flailed in that environment because it was so rigid. i’m never, ever going back to that, ever. i have self respect

[strawberry-barista]

⚅ — Anonymous asked: — ⚅

⚅ — You were right, no one wants to hear what you have to say. Why would they? You're useless. No one needs you, not even Joshua, now that he has Hope. Every single person you love feels unloved, unloveable, do you really think that's a coincidence? No. You make them feel that way.

You push a sense of closeness onto everyone around you to fuel your own ego, your own desires, and are unwilling to consider any other kinds of relationships. You miss the warmth and comfort of your own family, and you try to fill that hole with impressionable, troubled "kids" who you claim to adopt. But what kind of parent has a favorite child, Sanae? How do you think Joel felt when you told him that? How do you think it feels to always play second-fiddle to a whiny, entitled brat who has done nothing but hurt you, who won't even let you avenge your own daughter?

Oh, but he lets you hug him. And kiss him. And where would you be without that? That's why you cling so hard, why you let him mistreat you--you would be so cold and lonely without him, and you couldn't stand that. It doesn't matter how subpar you think his personality is, because he shuts right up when you're giving him affection, anyways, and don't you love it when he does that?

Ah, well, don't let me stop you from continuing to ruin the lives of everyone you decide to "adopt." I hope the next old man who bumps foreheads with you and calls you "Kitten" is somehow able to love you back. — ⚅

Insult the Muse!

— ★ ⚄ ★ —

It takes Hanekoma a moment to respond to this. There was so much vehemence in it, and it was almost hateful in its delivery. He wondered if he had done something to hurt this person in the past. Or maybe it was just the case of someone trying so hard it was coming off as desperate...

In any case, it wasn't entirely wrong. He had made terrible mistakes, and he had to acknowledge that. He couldn't act like nothing happened. It was the current that really had any sway on things, though. Not that he should forget these past transgressions, but that he should move forward anyway. That was the name of the game, wasn't it? Move forward anyway.

He pulled a grin at his customer and turned to pour them a coffee float, "In the midst of all that, you still found a way to wish me happiness in the future? That's sweet'a ya, boss~ Mm... In all seriousness, though, you gotta know all that stuff, that... Those bad memories? They're just that. I have to do what I can to atone for that... Ah, but... That's probably not a satisfying answer, is it?"

He glanced over his shoulder to spy his guest, judging the weight in their posture before returning to his work. This one was coming along nicely, and it has was sure the dollop of ice cream would soften them up a bit.

"Let me address everything you've talked about, one at a time... I am... Painfully aware of just how much no one needs me. It's one of my biggest... Ah... Hurdles, I guess. I'm not supposed to call 'em problems anymore. Negative language, ya know. But yeah. That's something I gotta work on. Well, I just see it this way, now: if I'm not needed, all the better. That means they're doin' good, or they're on the road to doin' good. I shouldn't want someone to need me. Emotionally, spiritually, or physically. I want everyone to be independent and happy with their lives. And I'm glad Joshua is finding help in others. I want him to make more friends and family. It's good for 'im. It's a good step. It doesn't bother me if that pulls him away from me. He's free to live his life with whoever he wants to. I'll always be here for him either way. Mm... I dunno if I would agree that I'm the reason they feel that way, though, boss. We've all got our own hurdles to get over."

He finished brewing the coffee and scooped out the ice cream, being sure to doll it up a bit before he spun around and carefully placed the glass before his guest. If there was no one else in the café at the time, he was happy to show off his skills and be flashy here.

"Now, when it comes to my trying to use them to replace my own family, you're... Kind of right. I'll give ya that. I've got this big old hole in my chest, boss, and I wanna fill it with all the warmth and love and happiness that I miss from 'em. And so I try to build a family with those people I get invested in. And yeah, maybe I could learn to chill a little about that. After all, not everyone wants that outta me. Haz, too, he didn't wanna be that close. So... I'm learning to step back and respect their boundaries. That's something I'm working on right now. The reason I told Joel about how I felt was because I didn't want him to feel blindsided by that information later, or suddenly understand it to then feel as if he wasn't important because of it. And I didn't want him to feel lied to in case he already knew. Lemme give ya a little secret, boss. Most parents have favorites. I bet even single kids have parents who play favorites among their friends. But that's not what this is. My connection to Joshua is on a whole other kinda level. We're soulmates, I truly believe that. Bound by countless universes. He's literally the one person I am destined to be tied to, no matter what. Of course I love him most. I can't help that. But when your heart's as big as mine, there's plenty'a room, and that's the important thing."

And finally he leaned forward, pressed his elbows against the counter and he lowered himself down and gazed over his glasses at the other, really sized them up. He couldn't help how his smile got just a little bigger, how proud he was of himself for holding these truths in his hands and being able to look them full force, dead in the eye.

"Aaaand, about your little comment? I can truly say that I wish that for myself, too, one'a these days. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part'a me still wishes it could be the obvious, but that's done and over. And I'm movin' on. I'm not holding out for anything, of course, but if I stumble into love, maybe I'll try a little harder next time, eh?"

[onedayatatime-please]

Thursday, Aug. 15th, 2024. 1:03 pm

I've spent the whole day with extreme anxiety. I did my breakfast sandwich, shower, and everything like I said I would, but in between has been spent doing breathing exercises to try and calm myself down as my heart has been racing. I have been sitting in front of my computer emotionally prepping for my therapy appointment only to get a call five minutes before its supposed to start telling me that its been cancelled because the therapist had some sort of emergency and is now no longer taking new clients. This is fine, shit happens. Im now just emotionally exhausted and a bit upset that I had to change the person I wanted to be my therapist, and the new person im going to do intake with seems good but not quite as good. Who knows, maybe im wrong and Im gonna end up loving them but Im so fucking tired.

Also I had a dream last night where I was back on Randy's farm and got to say hi to Bandito. He must be a very old horse now if he is still alive (I know his mother passed a few years ago), and in my dream his hairs were greying a bit, but he still had the white pattern around his eyes. There was a girl there working on the farm and we were flirting, and in the dream I was kinda hoping to get with her. Most of the dream was spent on the farm, but at some point it shifted to a desert scape and suddenly I was in a war zone and hiding out in some low mud buildings from a group of soldiers. As some point a soldier found me and the last thing I remember from my dream was crying and begging for my life as he pointed his gun in my face. Very weird to have those two things happen one after the other.

I woke up feeling like I had not slept at all, which has been pretty much how I've been waking up every day recently.

I'm gonna clean the house and get ready for my cousins to be here in 3 hours. I am also going to try and photograph some more drawings for my portfolio so I can work on uploading them when I am visiting with my grandparents.

I am not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

9:42 pm edit:

Dinner went well and now I am very tired. I had a call with 🪶. He’s going to another city on the same days I’ll be near him. I think it’s time I move on from him. I loved him so much, and it’s not his fault that his life is falling apart. I want to be there for him and I want to keep loving him because I love loving him but I know it’s not sustainable. A part of me feels like I should just go along for the ride, I’m twenty, it doesn’t need to be sustainable yet. But I don’t want a ride, not really. He does tho, he wants to do crazy shit and that would be fine if we could work together to sustain our relationship on top of that but that doesn’t seem likely. This has been coming for so long I don’t really feel sad about it yet, I just feel lonely. I haven’t felt like I’m actually in a relationship for a while. And he was the one who made me want a sustainable relationship in the first place. I was so set on being lonely, but then I met him and it made me realize that I really do want another person, I want to be married, I want kids. But he doesn’t want any of that yet and he probably doesn’t want it with me either way. I’m glad that we were able to love each other for the few years we did. I wish things could be simple, but they are not. I don’t want to break it off with him because I’m afraid of experiencing true loneliness again after knowing what it’s like to actually not be lonely. Either decision leads to me being fucking miserable for a certain amount of time and I keep doing this thing where I try to negotiate and find a middle ground where I can be kind of okay for a little bit but that’s not how all this shit is gonna work in the end. I love him and I know that he loves me but we are at a time in our lives where we cannot fulfill each others needs in a stable relationship and so instead we are probably going to part ways and never hear from each other again and the thought of that makes me fucking sick.

I feel like a coward for wanting to leave him when he is struggling even though he is actively pushing me away.

I Wanna be an Astronaut floating through space

And be tied to a ship by a cord and just be simple and quiet.

But instead I’m a dog.

I’m gonna go to the ocean soon, so I can float in the water.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

[iriemorning]

sunburnt

in the middle of the week back in May i got sick. i was bed-ridden while i was catching up with my readings for classes, but mentally and emotionally my mind was elsewhere. how do i cater more of my time to my partner? what should i do to make the sparks last? merriment of worries dawned upon my quiet moments before bed, before the dreamscape fell upon my consciousness. 

little did i know that in the feat of shining brighter to make my lover warm, i got burnt. physically. mentally. emotionally. spiritually.

it was only day five of us being together but i was hanging on a thread.

i already established that im not an everyday person. it's a great toll for me to always do the same thing every single day. but the last few days before that my eyes and hands were almost always glued to my phone, in the mornings and in the evenings, and when i'm occupied with something else, he's still at the back of my mind. if he hits me up next, what do i reply? what parts of myself should i reveal more so he can be satisfied? it's amazing how it has already become easy for me to do that. but only when it comes to him. my deepest thoughts? only for his ears.

day by day, i was getting ready to chip away parts of myself to accompany him when he feels lonely. you have to always remind them that you're there, that you care, and to look at the brighter side of things. i pretty much achieved that by myself with my spiritual shenanigans earlier this year, and i wanted to show him the way. my mind was set. i had an objective. but there was a time he hasnt been online for almost 24 hours, and i got so worried sick if i did something wrong, or if my messages were too much. since i was always used to getting jinxed or sabotaged, or people i like never getting too deep with me, maybe no one would ever will. maybe i was the one making mistakes. after all, whatever happens on this relationship is my full responsibility. if external influences can sabotage my ideas, i can internally sabotage as much of whatever i have as well, however precious it might be to me.

years of interacting with him i was always walking on eggshells like this. every step i fear that something will crack. sometimes for the better, or sometimes for worse. but there's always change. since we're in a new relationship, i was still apprehensive about us, if we are really meant to do this, even if i wanted it for so long. after all, once you achieve something you wanted, there's always that unreal feeling you get that what you envisioned years ago is already in front of you. and you start to question if you are really capable of it. love is one thing, relationship is another. love is intangible. relationship requires maintenance. it's like machine gears that needs to be inspected and cleaned daily to prevent malfunctions. and so i have to show up everyday. if i dont and something bad happens, it's on me. atleast thats how i felt. and so i always faced him with the means of a monk, the charisma of a bombshell, and the resolve of a soldier.

i am old enough to know better on how to make it work in theory and like how i watched it in romance movies but i'm still so young and inexperienced to handle such great of an opportunity that can probably last me for this lifetime. because what would you do if your new partner is already hinting at you being his wife and having kids? in less than a week of being in a relationship? it was such a scary and thrilling prospect because i never thought that far about our future. i just really like him, that's all. although i have always imagined myself, with greying hair, sitting on a reclining chair, staring at the porch of some house in Norway, and waiting for the sun to set so i can see the auroras. in that dream i was alone. and it took me a full night of crying and my body being 39 degrees when i realized that my dream has changed. i'm not alone anymore. i was cupping his face in my palms and i kissed his wrinkly forehead, as we watched the auroras together. with this great of a dream in your hands, you really cant help but treat the relationship seriously and religiously. i treated it as a duty, a dharma. love has become a battle that i need to win over.

and then i woke up. tired as hell, my eyes bloodshot red and body still running a fever, but emotionally my heart has found its place; or atleast the future me has. and i just need the present version of me to catch up to that vision. later that day i also found out that the reason my boyfriend hasnt been online is because he slept for almost 24 hours because of jet lag. i just laughed my worries about the day before and moved on.

oh boy, how easy it was if you just treat burnout as a state of mind, really. just partner it up with an equally intense mindset shift: i used up all my energy to make something work and im so fucking proud of it. looking back at it now, it may not be the healthiest and sustainable, but it does give you big results: he dived deeper with me. my insane thoughts were met with an equally insane response. im really starting to think that my retirement vision is not just any other pipe dream, and that he can meet me there. as long as he's beside me in my weakest, i do not fear anymore to burn myself out in my working days over and over again.

all to kiss his wrinkly forehead.

[aamethyst000]

What fckn even? (june 1, 24 - 5:12pm)

Duude. a lot has happend in a short amount of time. first off, Happy Pride Month! second, my childhood friend just moved back home like not even 4-5 months ago and we hung out like once with a group, and once alone. and in that time, i noticed he was odd and i had a little feeling it might have been about me. so ive been making it known that i am, in fact, gay af but that didnt seem to stick because (and i hesitate to even type this out) he still confessed to me. like??? to be fair, we dated once when we were teenagers and that was when i was still straight and cis. This is different now, i'm different now, and i know for damn sure that he is too. i even mentioned to him about my progress to legally change my name and gender. he said it was fine and that doesn't change anything but like, it DOES!!! i told him that if he still feels the same way, then maybe, you're POSSIBLY not as straight you may be? i mentioned that i did not want to force that onto him. cause if he never thought about it before or even looked at others that way, i dont think he has feelings for ME, as he says, he might still see the old me. which kinda bugs me, just a little bit though. This is what i was worried about too. if my attention on him was genuine, just from old habits as teenagers or i do have genuine feeling for him. i was trrying to figure it out when he moved back to his ex girlfriend. clearly, i didnt have it all figured out before he moved back home. i kept imagining myself dating him. the holding hands (this gave me the ick butterflies and a ick after taste in my mouth) kissing him and all thst shtick. i kept getting uncomfortable and it keeps reminding of my relationship of my last ex boyfriend. i didnt like it at all, so i am sure that is my answer to myself and him. i consider him my friend and goddammit i want to keep him around as a friend. i even said to myself, if it happens in the near future, it happens, but other than whats going on now, i dont see him in the same way. i may have to tell him as such too. i dont like it. it makes me nervous that i may lose him like that. which is kind of stupid if i do. i know thats how most of the men here are, im also aware that not all of them are like that. its just difficult to diffrentiate when most of them act aggressivly. anyway, i do not want to keep him waiting any longer than it needs to be. i told him it may take a couple of week because i have a hard time determinatiing my emotions properly. i have to know if its a trauma response or a genuine repsonse. it tends to be hard to tell.

12:23am - i even distract myself from thinking about it too much. i'm trying to get out of my head that if and when i do reject him, i'm not missing out on anything (no offense to him) it's just fears and the ugly voices in my head making me think i'll be alone for the rest of my life. like, so? i can adopt 2 cats, MAYBE a dog (a smol one) and keep up with my hobbies. there is nothing wrong with being alone, however, i am allowed to feel lonely. i keep trying to remind myself of that. i'm doing a lot of thinking with this one and i keep on coming to the same solution. i'm not interested in him, romantically. i just want him as a friend. Poor guy even remember the night we all gathered together for our "reunion class" we all got very fricken drunk and got stupid. i remember parts of it, up until we all head to my best friend's house to chill a bit. i feel so bad about that. it was the one time i let myself go too. not like we didnt do much, just hold hands and sat close. we didnt even kiss. HE EVEN APOLOGISED. i just hate rejecting people in general. not to mention hurting a persons feelers (i know, i am aggressively working on that issue, that kind of thinking go tme into trouble a lot). This whole situation got me so nervous, but im not going to change who i am as a person. i know for a fact that my personal issues and truamas are for me n my therapist to deal with. not for a relationship to magically fix. i dont even know if i am truely interested in being a relationship. i dont seem to miss it. sure, i may complain about it and say i want a girlfriend but the last time i did have a girlfriend, i ended up screwing that up by ghosting her. i know, dick move and so not cool. this was back in 2020 by the way but i still think about it. thinking about actually opening up and letting them see me for who i am makes me nervous as hell. not to mention the thought of sex makes me even more nervous. almost avoidant. its a lot to think about but i avoid thinking about it like the plaque. i just go day by day thinking about something else that is able to distract me. like leagally changing my name and gender. how much money i am saving and what not. anything to not think about me in relationships. just fckn nope. why the fuck is being an adult so goddamn difficult? lmao i hate it and i want to be 7 again, but at the same time, i so do not want to go back, my exsistential crisis was too much for lil me to handle at the time. i remember vividly how much that freaked me out! anyway, i get the feeling that tonight will be a long ass night again, i probably wont go to bed until 4-5am. and i keep on forgetting to take my damn medications too. no matter how much i try (ugh. i felt a sicking feeling in my belly when i wrote that), i have a reminder alert on my calandar, i tried to make it a habit to write it in my journal, and type it out here, but in my personal notes and i still dont take it on time or i miss nearly a week to a few days. its annoying, even for me.

june 28,24 4:31pm - this is me second time trying to fucking type this out. i am planning on tellling him that i do not have any romantic feelings for him. that i do not want to go out with him. not that there is anything wroong with him or me, i just dont want to be in a relationship with him because i am nervous that we both would be falling back to our old habits from our highschool years. im also even more nervous that he may not see me as who i really am, just as much im not seeing with the new and current him.. i dont like it at all. i even told him that i am getting top sugery and getting my name and sex change. he said it didnt matter, but it matters to me! im gay and very much iffy about men (personal trauma from a relaationship and father figure) and that is what i am going to tell him. not gonna lie though, im nercous to lose him as a friend. i just got him back this year, and it is fun to hang out with him. but if it happens, it happens i guess. this is the people pleasing issue that i am going through right now, as a teenager, i would have thought about it for a week then tell them that i have romantic feeling for them and then go out with them. those moments resulted from a game called "truth or dare" from my classmates. they really liked to use it as a dating game. A LOT. it actually got very annoying after a couple of months. it was awful in some months and others were just downright harrasing. anyway, i went on a tangent there, im just trying to get out of that people pleasing bs. old habits really die hard. i hope this goes well for the both of us, i wish the best for him and his children.have a good night/day, readers!~

[keulisutine]

TAKING ONE STEP TO LIGHTEN MY LIFE

What is life all about? What is the purpose of our life? Well, the purpose of our lives is to be happy. But me, I don't know what is the purpose of my life, I dont know what my life all about.

When I was a kid, I'm so lonely. I was only child that time, but my parents always give/buy all the things that i want. And yes it makes me happy, but what makes me happy the most? Is having a kuya. Til now, Im hoping having a kuya. The second thing that will makes me happy, is having a sister and yes God gave it to me, my lil sis pinky when i was 9 years old.

Days passed, I can feel that life is not so boring, I came to school and the memorable day for me is that day that our school had a tour. My Lola and Papa guide me there, and Im so happy. Because, no one knows is that i love/want to see different kind of animals. I captured every moment when i see different kind of animals there. But yes, life is not always happy, excitement. But there's a sad it comes to our life.

April 15, 2011 I became 5 years old, Im so happy, because they celebrated my birthday. A lot of ballons and also my friends came. So its time to blow my candle, they sing  first a Happy Birthday. After that when I was about to blow the candle, i cant continue. Because, my father always tells a joke and me is so easily to laugh, so i took way too long to blow the candle. The balloons was accidentally burned and it pop right on my face when i was about to blow my candle. My face was burnt and they sent me to the hospital. That was the saddest part of my Birthday. When i already discharged, my lola want me to continue my life at province so i went ny grandma and i continue my school there only Kinder and Grade 1. 2 years has already passed my mama came back here in philippines, so my mama get me and sent me to city. Because, I already heal my trauma, that was so traumatizing.

My life in city became new to me, and i met a lot of friends and become happy. My childhood memories is so memorable to me, and i hope that i can go back the days when i dont know what is problem. Now that i already a teenager, life sucks. A lot of pain, struggles, problem that i've encounter so many time in my life. Specially that im the eldest in the family, its my obligation to do all things. I'm really thankful that i met a friend like Hannah and Sweety, they are my supporter. We became friends when we we're in 7th grade. We make a lot of memories up until now that we we're on 12th grade. Our friendship never change. They are the one that i can talk/share all my problems. I love them so much. The both of you, if you read this, I know that the word "THANK YOU" is not enough for me to say, but god knows how I thankful i am that i met you both.

Until I met a special guy for me, when i was in 8th grade, but suddenly he is to focus on study that time. Until he knows me, we became friend first and years after he court me and we officially in relationship up until now. He's so kind and genious, also an ideal guy for me. A lot of good things i can say about him, and im so happy that the days come my family and hes family knows our relationship, and it not heavy in heart anymore that i cant hide it na about our relationship with my family. We've been encountered a lot of challenges in life, but we solve it by our trust and love of each other. We help each other to over come it. We have a lot of dreams that someday will fulfill it together in god's will.

Year 2022,  im scared. Because, my lola was sick and a lot of what ifs in my mind. That was the most scariest in my life. Because, when i graduate in college i want that my lola is still there, i have a lot of future/dreams for my lola, we have a lot of dreams of lola seria. I want to gave it back or i want to pay back my lola for her sacrifices to me when i was a kid, she is the one who cared to me. But suddenly, last year on January 2023 my lola passed away it was so heartbreaking for me that day, it was so painful knowing i dont have a lola that i cant see my lola anymore. Until now, i cant imagine that my lola already passed. I cant move on, i missed my lola so much, but i know my lola now is already in good hand. I know that she still by my side even though i cant see her.

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, challenges and triumphs. It is a complex tapestry of experiences that shape us into who we are. In this essay, we will explore two essential aspects of life: dealing with challenges and setting goals that give purpose to our existence.Life is a fascinating journey that presents us with countless opportunities and challenges. It is a delicate balance between joy and sorrow, success and failure, love and heartbreak. Each day brings new experiences and lessons, shaping us into the individuals we are meant to become. Life is unpredictable, filled with twists and turns that test our resilience and character. It is a tapestry of relationships, accomplishments, and personal growth. We must cherish every moment and embrace the beauty of it, for it is the sum of these moments that define our existence. Life is a precious gift, and it is up to us to make the most of it. Life was so challenging, a lot of unforgettable moments we ever faced. The words that we should always put on mind is "DON'T GIVE UP" still step every step of our life, this is not the finish line of our life. We have a lot to experience, to faced in the future. Today, is the beginning of our Journey. We have a lot of beautiful things to be Encountered and Experience.

[keefwho]

March 18 - 2023

8:30 AM

I guess my natural motivation has dried up for now. Now I gotta fight for it until it comes back. Sucks because I was hoping to get a lot done this weekend but I probably won’t be as productive as I thought. Or enjoy it as much. It’ll help if I stop thinking that failing to do all my current ideas is a bad thing. I lose nothing from not finishing something that wasn’t promised or announced in any way. All I can do is gain, if I get them done. 

9:05 AM

I mostly don’t want to feel too ‘meh’ or spiral into sadness today. Not that I think the latter is terribly likely. It’ll be a delicate balance between getting busy and resting like I should be on a weekend. 

Also the people I want to hang out with all seem busy this weekend so I can’t rely on anyone being around. I don’t like feeling lonely like this but it’s a good chance to try and overcome it again. I always have VRchat so I can talk to strangers at least. And knowing my friends will still be there for me when they are done makes it a little better. 

As much as I like to believe I enjoy my alone time, I am not very good at being by myself. Im always just waiting for the next time to hang out.

Its tough but I think the move is to exercise presence and ignore unhelpful thoughts. I always find myself stuck in this headspace where I can’t focus because I’m thinking about things that aren’t true, or everything else I have to do. I have to work hard to force focus on what I’m doing in times like this. 

9:38 AM

Here’s something that bothers me but maybe it’s because I’m just so out of the normal loop. People that have been in tons of relationships. Or casually drop how much sex they’ve had. Because from my lonely fucking point of view, have a single relationship or fucking for the first time would be a treasured experience. Maybe it’s just because since I haven’t had these things, I cannot take them lightly and I feel like it’s become TOO common to take them lightly. But that might just be because I am unable to get out and be normally social like a normal person. 

At this point I feel like it’s impossible to find someone like me who will take a relationship or sex at this stage in our lives as seriously as I do. Or maybe they will and I’ll be unable to understand how since they’ve had it many times before. 

For other reasons unknown, I’m just jaded at this topic. Fuck all these people going on and on about their many exes and partners while I’ve been alone my whole life. Which is completely my own fault too. 

Here I go spiraling again. 

10:13 AM

Damn Craig of the Creek for making me cry this morning. Im SO ANGRY that I had to move around so much as a kid. It’s not my fault I’m fucked up like I am but it is my job to fix it. Its so fucking stupid. I get it was probably out of everyone’s control but why couldn’t my parents just settle the fuck down somewhere? And then they place they DID choose is the middle of bumfuck nowhere. “Why don’t you have any friends? All you do is stay on the internet” Why the FUCK do you think???? I was a teenage in the WOODS. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO GO DUMB FUCK? On TOP of that, they never wanted to drive me to where people my age actually were like they do with my sister now. Maybe they learned how important it is to actually be social at that age and don’t want a repeat of me happening. FUck them. 

Im upset at all the old friends who wonder why I changed so much and became so “moody”. They don’t understand the turmoil I started going through when I became aware of how much I was covering up. They were NOT supportive of it either. And thats part of why we aren’t friends anymore. But I think to them, I just ‘went crazy’ and they’re probably waiting for me to get over it or have abandoned me entirely. 

Now I’m always fighting to keep the friends I do have because I feel like they could give up on me at any moment. It’s hard to believe they won’t sometimes. But I know this stems from my own self worth. Sometimes I’m unable to see what they see in me because all I can see myself as is worthless. 

11:29 AM

I guess I’m just being depressed in my room today while everyone I know is out doing meaningful things and moving on without me. 

I really wanted to avoid this today but I have no will to do anything.  How many weekends am I going to spend crying because my friends are busy with more important things and i have nothing else to distract myself with? Its always been like this with everyone. People have real lives that dont include me. Im just a weekday plaything.

2:01 PM

I thought maybe it’d be a good day to clean since I can’t bring myself to be creative but I’m unsure I can clean either. I don’t know what I have the heart to do at all. I’d like to clean the area outside my door, especially all the dog vomit stains on the outside carpet but I do not know how. I don’t even know how to clean the wood floor properly. Maybe I’ll try anyways. 

3:36 PM

I decided to jerk off really hard because at least being sad gets me some good nuts. 

I was gonna try something drastic. Keep rambling here until I feel better or at least get anywhere. First of all I’m afraid I’m only in a temporary high because that usually happens before I fall way back down into despair. I’ve come to the conclusion that once this has all started, it is inevitable that it will keep going. Trying to stop it or redirect it has not worked at all yet. Maybe I have to accept I’ll be depressed this weekend. 

All because I can’t learn to love myself and in turn, can’t feel loved in general. So then I feel really alone like I do today. And I think attention from certain people will fix it but it is only ever a bandaid. Because even when I think someone hates me and they are literally telling me how much they love me, it just doesn’t get through to me. 

I’m EXTREMELY frustrated and upset because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to value myself more. I just don’t get it. Why have I always been predisposed to feeling like I’m lesser than everyone? That I am always the loser because thats how life programmed it? Is it my fault or life circumstance that taught me to be like this? I just don’t know. 

But I feel a little better knowing that I have to be able to get better and I’ll keep trying until I am. Even if the next milestone is nowhere in sight, all I can do is keep trying. Someday I won’t berate myself so much, I’ll at least feel average. And I’ll have faith that my loved ones love me back more often. 

I feel so weak that sometimes I can’t just sit my ass down and draw something I have the heart for. Things I WANT to create for myself but mostly others. Although sometimes I feel the need to draw for someone because I feel like if I don’t, I’ll start losing them as a friend. Something I know is not true but its how I feel about it. I feel like I have to keep letting them know that I won’t leave them so that they maybe won’t leave me either. 

Maybe to improve my self worth I can start doing nice things for myself like I would for a friend. I can roleplay I’m someone else to make it easier. I can make myself some good food and enjoy it. I could let go and listen to what my heart wants to do and do that. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I dont even see the point in feeling happy if no one is around to share it with.