#and i was a really reckless kid bc i just wanted something drastic to happen to me

[fleshdyke]

shdjdnbd

[hwangdol]

l.hc: stay with me

summary: the confusing subject of lee haechan 

pairing: highschool!stoner-boi!haechan x reader 

warning: a shit ton of cursing, still got a lot of crackheadness, and DRUGS. no i’m not kidding, if you aren’t okay with that shit don’t read ahead. also! still part of my semi-collab with @huangsren! read her fic here: art-hoe!renjun  BEWARE OF GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES!!!!! 

it’s your favorite local stoner-boi!haechan’s turn

like norenmin, haechan’s name gets tossed around on the daily at NCT Highschool, except not with the same positive connotation

haehcan’s reputation isn’t the best but it could be worse

no it can’t

it’s actually really bad

everyone knows haechan to either be taking a gigantic nap in class or vaping in the bathroom. he gets into detention weekly bc the boy skips school like every other day 

the only reason why haechan hasn’t been expelled was bc he was the principal’s son 

don’t bring that up or he’ll actually cuss you out no cap

although he’s well-known, he’s only got like two friends + college-freshmen!mark lee (hA what a loser)

and one of them was currently in some type of situation with fboi!jaemin that haechan can’t be bothered to deal with –> y/n from fboi!jaemin’s au who will be further known as ara in this story

the other one was you, he liked to keep that one a little more private

it was never explicitly stated that you would maintain your sorta friendship a secret  

although could you really call it friendship if you’re doing all of the things people in relationships actually do? 

like haechan would always call you up in the middle of the night  to get boba or frozen yogurt for no reason

or sometimes yall would be cuddling in your bedroom watching some stupid movie on netflix,,,haechan would probably be throwing popcorn at the laptop screen bc of something stupid the main protagonist would do 

the other times, he would text a simple “pick me up” 

and you knew that that meant that haechan was too high or drunk to operate

there would be nights where you would be chilling in your car as haechan vaped 

you hated it 

but you could never hate lee donghyuck who now went by lee haechan 

yall met around the middle of sophomore year 

damn so much shit goes down sophomore year at NCT high

aNYways, you were stressed out from studying so you decided to take a stroll in the park at like ten at night. 

was that a stupid idea? yes, but at least that’s when you met haechan dressed in a navy green hoodie and a puff of smoke leaving his lips

sophomore!you was like highkey shookth seeing the lee donghyuck smoking in a park

bc at this time, lee donghyuck wasn’t lee haechan 

he was one of the school’s golden boys 

yeah that’s right norenmin used to be norenminhyuck or the 00′s 

he was the star of the school’s choir and the biggest class clown that still managed to get good grades

so imagine your shock when you see him with a cigarette in his hand

you figured that it was best to leave donghyuck alone since you weren’t the nosy type of person

except you weren’t that discreet in leaving when your eyes met donghyuck’s bright red ones 

you stood there for a second, both of you locked in what seemed to be staring contest, before turning to leave since it wasn’t any of your business what donghyuck was getting up to

the next day of school, donghyuck was back to his bubbly, fun self which seemed to be a drastic contrast from the one you saw at the park 

when your eyes interlocked in the hallways, donghyuck raised a finger to his lips when he was sure no one else was looking 

and you understood 

somehow you found yourself in this strange no-talking sit-downs in the park relationship with donghyuck while he smoked on the bench next to you 

this went down for a couple of weeks where the two of you would just sit in heavy silence. the only noises were the cicadas chirping in the background

until one night when donghyuck dressed in the same navy hoodie wasn’t smoking but his eyes were still red

“why haven’t you told anyone yet?” 

you shrugged “because it’s not my secret to tell” 

“you were shocked when you first saw me that night.” haechan commented 

“yeah, i just never expected it from someone like you,” you admitted

you could hear the boy next to let out a dry chuckle, “you’re not the first person i disappointed” 

“it ruins your lungs btw” 

“i know, i want it to” 

“why do you do it?” 

“because it actually makes me feel alive” 

something changed that night bc the next day donghyuck into a physical fight with the student-athlete!jeno who everyone knew was a pacifist. 

that night haechan showed up with a black eye and you didn’t ask why

donghyuck still gave you an explanation even though it was complete bs

“because he was getting on my nerves” 

but it seemed like the whole group of the golden boys was getting on his nerves bc donghyuck stopped hanging around them for the rest of the year

you saw him sometimes sitting outside on the bleachers during lunch, sleeping or smoking, not afraid to be caught 

you never had the courage to approach him in person at school, bc it seemed like your relationship was strictly limited to the park 

but you couldn’t help to be worried about him with the drastic change in character he was undergoing 

one day, he showed up to school with bright red hair and did nothing in all of his classes but take a nap 

sometimes he didn’t even show up to school 

you heard from someone that he quit choir which was shame bc you always wanted to hear him sing 

and sophomore year bled into junior year and donghyuck was no longer known as donghyuck but as haechan 

it was weird, every time you would get the urge to take a midnight stroll in the park, haechan would be sitting there on his usual bench sometimes smoking sometimes not

you always sat down next to him even if you knew that you were just going to sit there in silence

“give me your phone number,” he said bluntly holding out his hand for your phone 

“why” 

“i’m tired of waiting for you to come to the park” 

and you really confuse because does that mean that haechan wanted to be your friend??? 

as if he can read your mind, he rolls his eyes “yes, let’s be friends. you’re a lot better than those fakes in our goddamn school.” 

so that’s how your friendship began with the lee donghyuck, rebranded as haechan 

he doesn’t let anyone call him donghyuck but you,,, you still try your best not to call him that bc he doesn't like it 

gotta respect your friends’ wishes y’know

it wasn’t until haechan was over at like 2am in your room, both of you talking in small whispers bc you don’t want your parents to wake up and find you laying in bed with a BOI, that y'all reached the final level of closeness and haechan let slip one of the reason behind his reckless actions

“you know what sucks? even when i’m acting out like this, my parents still refuse to acknowledge me. it’s like they don’t care” 

and your like :((( 

“i’m pretty sure they care about you a lot,” you didn’t like the listlessly way he was talking 

“you don’t get it. when my dad saw my hair, all he told me to do was to dye it back. my mom didn’t even freak out when she saw me smoking a blunt with my friend in my room. they could care less” 

and haechan begins to spill

“even when i was achieving so much, they rarely ever bat an eye at me. do you know how hard it is to come to school and put on the facade of that i have no worries in the world? that i’m that cheery happy-go-lucky kid? even renjun is allowed to have moody days, but i’m expected to always be the mood maker. i fucking hate it.” 

you stayed silent listening to his rant 

“when jeno was complaining about how his parents invited his whole family to his stupid basketball game, i just got so angry because my parents haven’t been to one recital ever since i joined the choir. nor did they go to the science fair where i actually won first place with that stupid potato rocket i did with renjun.” 

haechan let’s out a bittersweet laugh 

“after that fight with jeno, no one asked if i was okay or why i even did it. none of them did. my dad didn’t even look at me in the eye when i went to his office, all he cared about was if the school’s basketball mvp was okay.” 

“god, i’m so numb to all of this shit. i don’t even know how to be happy anymore” 

that night you didn’t say anything to haechan bc you didn’t know what to say. but that night was the first and last night you ever saw haechan cry or that emotionally vulnerable bc the next day, he acted like it never happened 

by junior year, everyone already knew that the old donghyuck was gone and haechan was here to stay 

BUT your relationship with haechan wasn’t one-sided at all 

nooooo there were nights where you were the one crying and haechan was the one comforting you even though his advice was bs

you best bet that when haechan got his license, he dragged your ass to midnight drives to the cliff, but you would be the one to drive him home bc he probably vaped a little too much on the cliff 

despite breaking down that one night, haechan was very emotionally closed off. he didn’t smile as often as he used to in public unless it was with you

sometimes he would catch himself smiling when you said something really dumb or when he found your antics adorable, but he would never admit it and the smile would be quickly gone from his face.

your hangouts were so lowkey

one night, junior year, you were just chilling in your car with hyuck and he just leans over and kisses you. 

you could still smell the strawberry vape juice on him but you didn’t stop the kiss,,,cuz it felt nice

his lips felt like soft little cloud pillows 

and when haechan pulls away he has this little smirk on his face while you're flustered as fuck 

let’s be honest, that wouldn’t be the last time y'all locked lips 

cause it happened a lot 

especially in the car and sometimes in your room 

you can’t lie and say you don’t have any sort of feelings for haechan 

especially when you do see his real smile that he doesn’t let anyone see or when he made the effort to stop smoking cigarettes 

although you still highly disapprove of his drug usage

drugs are bad kids! 

haechan has his own reasons for continuing to use it so as much as you try to discourage him, you don’t stop him 

you’d like to say that you’re the only girl in his life, but your not

bc you were only hyuck’s friend at night,,,he has a day friend who was also a girl who he didn’t seem to care to be seen w at school 

a really pretty (AKA y/n from jaemin’s au) one who you also saw on multiple occasion haechan flashes his breathtaking smile too 

one of your friends had gossip that that girl was ara, who was dropped by her friend group bc she was dating haechan who had beef w jaemin who was dating ara’s ex-bestfriend? confusing, yeah i thought so too. 

you knew better than to listen to stupid highschool rumors but you couldn’t help but come to your own assumptions about the closeness of their friendship 

bECause haechan never mentioned ara in any of your conversations

at lunch, you can’t but let your eyes drift to the two of them in their own world laughing away 

you only met her once when mark was dropping haechan off at your house bc he much rather be at yours then his 

you were a little bit hurt since she got to know mark before you did 

you knew that mark was one of haechan’s closest friend and someone he really respected even though he liked to bag on him 24/7

as much as you tried not to, you found yourself repeatedly comparing yourself to her 

the subject of ara was left alone, forever stored in your insecurities

you didn’t want to confront haechan about it bc you didn’t want to admit it but you caught the big bad feels for the boy

so your feelings were left untouched until senior year

when the two of you were making out in your room and haechan suddenly pulls away with wide eyes 

and he lets out an “oh fuck” 

now, you were worried 

did you somehow do something wrong? 

“ara is going to fucking kill me,” haechan muttered grabbing his phone, calling someone up 

“hey gramps, can you pick ara up? i kinda left her at school,” haechan said through the phone to someone you presume to be mark

“okay, fine i’ll bring you weed brownies and hurry up before she gives me shit tomorrow. you know how high-maintenance she gets” and he hangs up the phone, throwing it aside 

“sorry about that,” haechan says going to resume what the two of you started but you stop him

cause it hurts too much and you don’t know what the hell you are to haechan

“i can’t do this anymore, hyuck” you say in a small voice, not daring to look him in the eyes bc u know damn well that he’ll see the tears in your eyes

“what do you mean?” you could hear the worry in the voice

“this,” you gesture between the two of you “i can’t anymore” 

and haechan knows what you’re talking about 

he’s been dreading the moment,,,he could sense the end 

which is the last thing he wants

“what’s wrong?” 

you bite your lip not wanting to start breaking down in front of the boy you grew to love so much 

your heart was hurting so bad,,,but you couldn’t continue on pining over a boy that would never love you the same way 

“what am i to you, hyuck?” 

one of the things that haechan hated the most was seeing you sad 

he hated how you saying his nickname in that teary voice made his heart drop 

“you’re my friend, y/n. actually, you're my bestfriend” 

you look him in the eyes this time, but haechan wished you didn’t 

“i’d never be more than that, right?” you smiled sadly at the boy

for once in his life, haechan is rendered completely speechless 

“i think you should leave” 

he knew that he should have put up a fight 

yet he couldn’t bring himself to 

there was this pang of hurt in his chest that he couldn’t quite explain 

so he left 

he wished he didn’t 

the minute he walked out the door he felt all of the happiness leave his body,, he knew that when he walked out the door, he would never be walking back 

when he got home in his room that night, he didn’t have it in him to pick up his usual blunt or his vape pen 

instead, he flopped onto his bed staring up at his ceiling 

there was wetness on his cheeks,,,his vision was blurry,,,and his heart hurt 

he almost contemplated skipping school the next day, but he didn’t want to spend his day wallowing in his despair that he didn’t even know why he felt 

his eyes were red as fuck so he tried to play if off as if he were high because who would question it?

so that’s why he went to school with a pair of sunglasses to hide his puffy, red eyes 

he was expecting everyone to leave him alone cuz he looked like he was faded but his shithead friend ara marched over to him and pulled him away leaving behind a very confused looking jaemin

that’s probably a story i’ll hear later. he thought.

“you fucking moron,” ara exclaimed at him punching him in the arm “this is like the eighteenth time you have gone to school fucking high! get a grip man!” 

“don’t lecture me as if you weren’t talking to the parasite,” haechan huffed, rubbing his arm from the pain

damn she packed a punch 

ara squinted and haechan realized he fucked up with his fake high act 

so the girl reached out and grabbed his sunglasses much to his protest and saw his puffy eyes

“hOLY sHIt, dude were you crying?” 

haechan snatched back his sunglasses and quickly put them back on, “fuck you” 

“sorry man, what happened?” 

“i don’t even know” 

“you want a pity hug?” 

“why the fuck not” 

the thing was haechan wasn’t touchy with other girls except for you, so the hug w ara was like a bro hug 

all that awkward patting and shit

stupid haechan failed to notice that you were standing at the end of the hallway, witnessing the whole scene 

now it was clear to you that you didn’t mean shit to haechan 

you were just a girl that could make him feel less lonely in secret, nothing more 

he had no trouble displaying his relationship w ara in public 

why did he make it seem like he wanted to keep you a secret? 

you were tired of it

spinning on your heel, heart-shattering into pieces, you walked away from lee haechan for the very last time 

basically now, it was simp hours 24/7 for the both of you

even college-freshmen! mark knew something was off with his highschool weed buddy 

“dude, what’s goin on with you lately?” 

the two of them were on their regular get-high cliff except mark was the only one doing the deed, haechan was just spaced out 

“i dunno” haechan shrugged 

mark made a face that was like “if you don’t tell me i’m beating the shit out of you” 

“okay fine, y/n doesn’t want me in her life anymore,” haechan spilled the beans on the whole situation between the two of you and mark is like “and i thought i was the fucking idiot” 

haechan is like wdym bruh? 

“are you dumb, bro? like are you out of touch with your feelings or sum shit?” 

“huh” 

“goddamn i have to do everything in this household, listen to me you little bitch boy, grow a pair and admit that you have feelings for her!” 

haechan’s face is like O.o 

“are you high right now, mark?” 

instant smack on the back of his head 

“no you dumb shit; just say that you like her and that ara is just a friend!” 

“what does this have to do ara?” 

mark is like BOI IF YOU DON’t

“obviously, you failed to mention that you managed to befriend a person who just happens to be a really pretty girl-” 

“dude, ara is fucking ugly. i’d date you before i’d ever date her” 

“stfu and listen bitch boy. anyways, y/n is probably highkey confused bc she probably thinks you’re interested in ara since you’ve been spending a shit ton of time w ara in the day time but you only come to y/n at night.” 

“i do that because i don’t want people to associate her with the things i do just because i’m friends with her. she’s doesn’t deserve to be roped into the same category as me” 

aNOTHer smack in the head 

“go clean up the mess you made and admit your feelings you fucking shithead.” 

“how?” 

“i dunno, ask her to prom or some shit” 

“i don’t want to go to prom” 

“DO SOME ROMEO AND JULIET SHIT IDFC JUST STOP BEING A DUMB PUSSY” enuff said 

so haechan gets dropped back at his house and he does some thinking about his so-called “feelings”

which is a fat surprise bc haechan is the living embodiment of impulsiveness,, he had only one brain cell to do his thinking

did he like you? idk man

he liked the way you smiled every time you told him something good about your day while the two of you cuddled. or when you would watch a funny clip on your phone and share it with him

he liked the way your hair smelled liked vanilla and was always so soft every time he ran his fingers through you hair

he liked the way you never turned him away even when he knew that you hated the way he was living his life. 

all of his other friends didn’t even make the effort to reach out to him when he was so obviously out of it. he felt unimportant with them

you were different

you made him feel happy, loved, and cared for

he no longer craved the attention of his parents or anyone in fact because he has you

or well he HAD you 

right now, all of the phone calls, text messages, and even snaps went straight to delivered, voicemail, or unopened

every time you’d see him in the halls, you would go the other direction

all of the times haechan tried to reach out to you, all of his attempts were deflected 

now how the fuck does one confessed when they’re being ignored???

“that sounds like a personal problem,” ara stated, stabbing her food angrily after haechan told her his predicament during lunch

na jaemin had just gone by their table and did someone bullshit that haechan could care less about, he stopped associating himself w him a long time ago

“no shit sherlock, help me bitch.” 

ara glared at him “you got yourself into this mess so fix it yourself” 

“i hope you fucking choke on an ice cube” 

“i’ll slit your throat in your sleep, lee haechan” 

wow everyone really out here expecting haechan to solve his own problems. how selfish of them.

which is probably why his plan of execution was shitty as fuccck

you, on the other side of the equation, was currently in the depths of your despair as all of your friends had managed to score dates to senior prom which was this weekend

you’re highly disappointed bc if it wasn’t for you being so preoccupied with the thought of haechan you’d probably have a date by now 

hell you even lied to haechan saying how you didn’t want to go to prom bc it was too extravagant for your taste when in actuality, you wanted to get dressed up, take pretty pictures, and dance awkwardly to a slow song 

the typical highschool prom experience

one thing that you didn’t want to admit was that the only boy you could picture as your date was donghyuck, the same boy that you wanted to get out of your thoughts and heart

the night of prom, you were stuck in your bed in a pair of sweats and some random oversized t-shirt scrolling through social media

to say you weren’t jealous of all the fun senior prom seemed to be was a giANT lie you could’ve just went alone!!!

honestly, even your parents were out having fun on a date night while you were being depresso espresso at home

you flopped in bed with a giant huff bc who was haechan to stop you from experiencing your highschool years! who was he to make you feel so bad that you couldn’t even go to prom! 

your phoned buzzed in your hand causing you to look down and nearly scowled at the message that was sent to you

hyuck: open up 

you ignored it, turning your attention back to that stupid rom-com you were watching on your laptop 

your phone continued to ding w messages you were sure were from haechan but you don’t want to open bc you knew that you would probably be launched into another wave of sadness and maybe even break-down cry in front of him so you turned your ringer off 

but out of nowhere, you hear this loud thud against your window 

wtf was that? alert mode on

then you hear a loud shout 

“BITCH ISTG IF YOU DON’T OPEN TF UP” 

you already knew who it was, so you contemplated on whether or not you wanted to actually confront him or run away from all of your problems (*coughs* ara *coughs* haechan)

 you didn’t get much time to think bc another thing was launched at your window

haechan’s shoe

walking over you opened ur window to see below haechan on your lawn with a giant cheeky smile on his face you knew for a fact it was genuine

he only smiled like that when the two of you were bent over laughing at something stupid he or you did

aww shit here comes the sad bugs again 

“what do you want?” you say loud enough for him to hear “go to prom with me!” haechan shouts up making you and your heart flustered af 

“prom already started, you idiot” 

“then let’s dance in your room” 

as much as you knew you should have turned him away, you couldn’t

you were so in love with haechan 

the minute you open the door you were engulfed into his chest

you froze up not knowing how to react 

“don’t let me go please,” haechan says barely louder than a whisper

goDAmmit haechan’s making me tear the fuck up

“you’re the only one in my life that hasn’t left me. the only one that was willing to understand me. i know that i’m not the best guy out there, i know that i’m nothing great, but when you look at me with that stupid smile of yours i feel so god damn on top of the world.”  

he hugs you tighter “please, please, y/n don’t leave me. i need you in my life.” 

something wet drops on your shoulder but you don’t dare to look up at haechan’s teary eyes 

closing your eyes you fall into his chest, his familiar scent triggering tears of your own 

“i love you” he pulls away from you to look at your face for a response, your eyes meeting his shaking brown orbs 

you have to raise your head slightly up to look at him while he was looking down at you

his hair was a mess of a light pastel rainbow (we go up broski) 

that’s when you notice how red his eyes were but there was no stench of weed or alcohol on him 

lee haechan was completely sober 

“i’ve always been yours, lee donghyuck”  

lee haechan wasn’t like other guys. he was lee donghyuck. he was complex and it would take you years to completely unravel him. even when you knew him for so long, you still had no idea was going through his mind. there were times where you found yourself stumped on the subject of haechan, but it was okay 

because you were willing to take the time to understand. 

[fma2003-fmab-stuff]

FMA 03 Month Day 1 Favorite/Least Favorite Male Character

I promised to do this so here we are.

My favorite character is Edward (predictable, right?)

There are several aspects of his character I’m going to be going into, so try to bare with me.

First is Edward’s struggle with comforting people.

Unlike Al, who has an affinity for reasoning and often being more gentle with his wording, Ed is more blunt and honest to the point of sometimes upsetting people. It is because of this bluntness however that Rose is given courage later on when she stands up to Hakuro and the military who is terrorizing Lior, quoting back Ed’s words to her on not only that occasion but multiple occasions, including the most impactful version of this where Rose forces herself to push past her trauma and begins to speak again:

…

Edward is flawed individual

I know that some people want their protagonists/main characters be perfect saints who never did anything wrong, role models, but more than virtues or moral, I look for relatability and vulnerability in a character, a character that has struggled, a character that I can I can relate to or at least understand to some degree, a character that isn’t perfect.

He failed to save Nina despite being suspicious of Shou Tucker before hand. He tried to bring back his mother, costing him his arm and leg and his brother his entire body. He’s quick to temper and is a total hothead, and has quite the mouth. He’s reckless, regularly picking fights with the people around him, and yet despite all that he still has a soft and idealistic side beneath it all.

And because of Ed’s childish naivety, he often leaves destruction in his wake and a path of havoc just by trying to do the right thing, taking what happened in Lior as an example.

As a child, he was stubborn, and a total brat sometimes, just like how a kid should be.

Above that, he’s relatable.

Many of us were hyperactive and brats as kids but also seeking approval from our parent or guardian, many of us have a family member that we feel estranged from, that we don’t really know what to feel about, sometimes we grow to hate them for their absence, most of us have somebody we’ve lost. Most of us have somebody that’d we’d like to bring back if we had the power. Some of us have somebody we’d like to blame for everything wrong in our lives.

And most of us have somebody that we treasure probably more than anybody else around(Al in Ed’s case)

And, hell, many of us have had a similar struggle with the notion of “God” due to our struggles, just as Ed has, whether we now are atheist/agnostic or actually do follow a religion.

And honestly one of the most heartbreaking aspects of Edward’s character is the way he clings onto Equivalent Exchange as not only the founding principle of alchemy but also as the way of the world. Just like with Alphonse, believing in that principle is his way of coping with and rationalizing everything he’s been through and done in his life.

…

Edward doesn’t shape his environment, his environment shapes him.

This is not something you see much in anime, where a character is forced to change and conform to the world while also still being engaging. Usually, like in Naruto or Bleach, it’s the main character changing everybody around them and inspiring people everywhere they go.(which isn’t a bad thing per say, it’s just something we see in basically every anime)

However, FMA 2003 isn’t really much like that. You have multiple characters who actively challenges and/or changes Edward’s mindset at points(in both good and bad ways depending on the characters), from Hughes, Ross, to Shou Tucker, to Greed, to Scar, to Dante, to Lust, to Roy, Izumi, Alex, Hohenheim and basically everybody else around him.

Throughout the series, Edward changes drastically, going from somebody who avoided things that didn’t directly have anything to do with him, who didn’t believe in murder as justice, to somebody who has had to stain his hands with blood on multiple occasions, has had to conform to the world around him just like he did on York Island, instead remaining above it all. He finally admits that he can’t act like the war and world around him has nothing to do with him. And once he confronts/defeats Sloth, the embodiment of his worst sin, he becomes calmer and more mature, finally taking responsibility for things he didn’t even want to face before(also noted by Izumi who says he’s grown up when he claims he’s content since Shou Tucker will have to live with what he did).

He’s willing to give up his goal so he can rectify the damage that human transmutation and the desire for philosopher’s stone has created. On the other hand, he goes from somebody who would typically cry over his losses (like with Nina), to somebody who bottled up his emotions and can’t cry anymore, which is honestly very sad, but once again something I can personally relate to on a major level. In the end, Edward admits that he’s really not perfect, that he’s not a saint, that he has his own flaws, but he’s doing the best he can as who he is, and I just really like that.

…

Lastly, Edward also acts as a parallel and/or foil to numerous other characters on the show (Scar’s Brother, Leo/Rio, Russel, Izumi, Nina, and even Envy, Barry and Shou Tucker, one of the most deplorable characters on the show.) These parallels/foils are something that makes the show especially engaging for me, so yeah, I won’t go on much more though because I feel like this is enough to get my point out.

As for least favorite male, I think it would be Bradley or Shou Tucker but only as a person. As a character, maybe Gluttony bc there wasn’t much explanation to his back story other than him being created by Dante for red water consumption? Idk. I don’t really have a “least Favorite” per se

[marudny-robot]

JayTim: Who developed feelings first? Did they deny this or accept it?

Hi! Thanks for the ask! :D (And sorry for kinda late reply)First of all, as you well know, depending of the AU the beginnings might drastically change, but considering you didn’t specify anything then I’ll go with the most… canon-ish version (pre!52).Before I continue, I’d like to mention that I have read only @glaciya ’s version of that answer before writing that and, honestly speaking, I kinda/mostly agree with her.

I agree that during Tim’s stalking days he might have developed a crush (or was very hardcore fanboying, but well, emotions are confusing). I think he developed crush on Robin!Jason (while was mostly fanboying over Robin!Dick) mostly because he get to know him better. I’m not sure how in canon that might be (bc I have not read those comics), but I like to think that when Tim started going out taking photos Dick was on the way to transition to Nightwing (and changing cities), so he didn’t saw much of him. On the other hand he get to observe Jason career as Robin from beginning to end.

So that would make Tim first to develop a crush.And later that crush will die ugly death, because no-one likes when your crush ambushes you and tries to murder you.

So, after this it mostly depends on Jason. I like to think that he took time for himself (to decide his stance on various members of the batfam, where REALLY lies the problem he have with them, to control Pit-rage, etc., etc.). I don’t think that that was the moment he fell in love in Tim, or noticed at least how cool Robin 3rd is, BUT it was the time his stance changed from “I hate him” to neutral.

What I like to think what’s happen next is that Jason tries to reconcile with batfam members from before his death (Bruce, Alfred, Dick, Barbara). In doing so, he sometimes helps/works with other batfam members, whom he doesn’t care about - but also doesn’t dislike.While others might start liking Jason thanks to this, Tim understandably is still wary of him.

I imagine there’s period of time (few years long), after the events of Red Robin where the above happens - Jason slowly gaining trust with others, while Tim asks himself were he is standing in the Family. During that time Tim rarely trust anyone. He was hurt and now he is alone, in bad place mentally, and is afraid of doing the first step towards reconciling with ‘family’, because he might get hurt again (plus he doesn’t think HE should be the one to make the first step, anyway).Red Robin does his job but he doesn’t care that much and is often reckless.Now enter Jason, who doesn’t specially care for Red Robin or Tim or Replacement, but idiot will bleed out or get shot and Jason can’t with clear conscience leave the kid to die. So he helps him. Sometimes.They don’t talk when Jason stitches him. Tim observes him like a hawk the whole time. He is still wary of him (and doesn’t understand Jason’s agenda).Tim once asked him why he helps him. Still doesn’t believe him when the answer was “I simply don’t want to see you die on my watch.”

It takes Jason helping him lots of times. Tim still can’t - doesn’t want to believe him. He is still waiting for when Red Hood would just leave him to die.Still, Tim starts to feel grateful, you know? So he tries to even the score. He leaves Jason info for his case, sometimes it’s gear.

And so, they are stuck in that kind of limbo. No-one wants to look gifted horse in the mouth. Jason more often stops Tim from dying sometimes even helps him some other way and Tim does the same. They don’t talk emotions with each other, are professional. Those 'meetings’ became the way to get a break from others (mainly batfam members), problems connected to them and life in general.

It isn’t perfect. There’s always some tension from the murder attempt (they never forget, Tim never forgives and Jason never tries to be forgiven), but besides that they aren’t center of each other’s problem. So it’s easier to just …ignore that and simply be in each other presence.

Years go and they became more comfortable with each other. They start to trust each other (to certain degree). They wouldn’t exactly call each other 'friends’. More like 'I hate him the less’ or 'I might actually be sad if he dies (again)’.Then, Jason is the first one who wants to move from Gotham and from vigilantism. He is tired.Tim is the first one to hear about his decisions and agrees to join him later. He is still working for WE, but Damian is almost in his twenties and it’s time to train him to take Tim’s place.

They move out of town, out of country. Live together, get jobs and adopt animals (like two dogs and a cat, maybe more). They still have contact with the family and it’s not as bad as it was before. Less tension, maybe some things are already talked over, but they are still left alone.

Even more years goes by and they start thinking that they might actually feel happy! Their lives aren’t so stressful anymore and they start to, not only enjoy each others presence, than more often seek each other out. They are blissfully happy with their simple life out of Gotham with horde of animals.Then one day, someone (from work, stranger in the park, cashier, whoever) make a comment about them being husband or boyfriends or something, which results in the conversation late in the evening between two of them. What they are? Friends? Boyfriends? Flat-mates?They can’t decide in the end. Mostly because each of them got to their own conclusion which they don’t want to share.

Some time later Jason or Tim tries to propose to other. Or they do that at the same time. In the end the wedding is big and Bruce is happy to see them on their special day with the whole family.

And they lived happily ever after…

[scarletbriiar]

wait please yell abt catrine

these are gonna get done really sporadically but im starting w catrine since shes new

B A S I C S

FULL NAME: catrine wolfsblood

GENDER: lesbian

SEXUALITY: Lesbian

PRONOUNS: she/her

O T H E R S

FAMILY: her wife petra and her children malin and eidr are long since dead, considering the last time she saw them was in 1225 A.E. and norn don’t usually die of old age anyway. she loved petra and her kids more than….almost anything. when it came down to it, her stubbornness won out and though she has some regrets she hasn’t looked back

FRIENDS: the vigil brought her to mistwalker nix, who, despite being a good five to six feet shorter than her, is kind of a kindred spirit - they’re both grumpy, stubborn and rule-averse, liking to do things under their own prerogative. 

BIRTHPLACE: hoelbrak, 1170 A.E. - one year after hoelbrak was established, actually. she helped protect the city from a young age until 1225, when she rather publicly turned her back on wolf, the city and everyone else and left with instruction to not come back. disrespecting wolf as bad as she did had consequences, though, in the form of a fucked-up curse that forces her into werewolf form and ensures she’ll never quite get the hang of controlling it for as long as she refuses to pay respects to wolf

JOB: joining the vigil was a recent development, but she’s very loosely working for it. basically they point her in the direction of something they want fucked up and let her go. when you’re as stubborn (and old) as catrine is you don’t take well to strict orders

PHOBIAS: losing control of herself unexpectedly, the fact that as far as she knows she’s never going to get to die

GUILTY PLEASURES: it’s barely even guilty but she luxuriates in being the big fucked up cryptid in the shiverpeaks. when she’s wolf-shifted she sleeps in abandoned lodges and rolls around in the dirt and gets to eat whatever the fuck she wants as long as she catches it herself bc when you’re 20 feet tall with claws and teeth like railroad spikes you have a distinct advantage over everything else

M O R A L S

MORALITY ALIGNMENT?: chaotic neutral. she might’ve made some friends in the vigil, but really she just wants to help murder all the dragons and then be left alone

T H I S - O R - T H A T

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT: extrovert

ORGANIZED/DISORGANIZED: when she still lived in hoelbrak her house almost constantly looked like a tornado just hit. a little mess never hurt anyone

CLOSE MINDED/OPEN-MINDED: close-minded for the most part. she’s got her beliefs and she’s not changing them

CALM/ANXIOUS: outwardly very calm. it might take her awhile to re-right herself after a drastic change but she’s pretty good at taking a hit, getting up and moving on

DISAGREEABLE/AGREEABLE: disagreeable

CAUTIOUS/RECKLESS: as a young woman she was definitely reckless - that’s how norn do, baby!! now that she’s got a curse that figuratively slaps her upside the head and LITERALLY turns her into a crazed werewolf every time she gets a little too cocky, she’s become extremely cautious

PATIENT/IMPATIENT: deeply impatient. why wait for things to come to you when you can go out and grab them yourself?? she knows how to be patient but it doesnt mean she likes it at all

OUTSPOKEN/RESERVED: outspoken when she gets the chance to be but she spends most of her time alone

LEADER/FOLLOWER: alpha FUCKING wolf babeyyyy

EMPATHETIC/UNEMPHATIC: has steadily become more empathetic as she’s gotten older. wolf’s curse was good for one thing only

OPTIMISTIC/PESSIMISTIC: big pessimist

HARD-WORKING/LAZY: hard-working, but only at things she really cares about. fighting? no shortcuts. catching her own food while she’s out in the woods? eh, wolf gave me this form for a reason

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

she actually found nix after she emerged from the mists in 1313 and helped bring her back to the safety of metrica province, but she was a big fucked up werewolf at the time so she didn’t stick around to talk. happenstance brought them back together in the vigil - catrine recognized her, but nix obviously didn’t. she’s come to really adore nix’s kids biakka and bhekke, and sees herself and petra in nix’s search for nastia

whoops, she’s the werewolf that bit dorian rose in 1312 after she gets injured by a wild animal, drags herself into divinity’s reach to recover and he stops to try and help her. she really didn’t expect to lose control as soon as she did, but it’s called a curse for a reason! she seeks him out after the fact and explains what’s gonna happen to him, but doesn’t stick around to help him out - divinity’s reach is crawling with seraph, shining blade and ministry guard, all three of which have big old fucking swords that may not be able to kill her but can certainly hurt her

serena the sweet was just a sapling when she came to the vigil, but she had big plans - like killing an elder dragon herself. catrine didn’t believe it for a second, but had to admire serena’s spirit. five years later serena’s done a lot more than kill zhaitan and catrine can’t help but be impressed. also sylvari are immune to dragon corruption so they could theoretically be immune to werewolf bites and I Think That’s Interesting

she and fellow vigil soldier anthea ghostreaver have similar personalities in a way that means they both respect and want to fucking fight each other. anthea follows rules where catrine turns her nose up at them, but they’re both irreverent and more self-assured than they probably should be (and neither of them is very good at acknowledging mistakes)

[spectrumscribe]

Alright, aus upon aus, and i want more. Give us your thoughts on their classpects.

Hello friend who is enabling my age old Homestuck obsession,sorry it so long to get back to you. Trust me, I have been thinking about thisask near constantly since I got it. Ijust took my time figuring it out, bc I really wanted to get it right. (For those without HS knowledge, a Classpect is the Class and Aspect of each game player, their Class being their game role, and Aspect being their powers.)

This is a shit tonof character analysis, and by god, I enjoyed every second I put into it. I gotto break down each of their characters, character flaws, and their truestpotentials. I should do this more often. It’s a lot of fun.

I made a bit of an essay out of this ask. I’m sorry. I rambleda shit ton. Buckle down if you chose to read this, it’s a long one.

So without further due, my headcanons for the 2012 six main kids(plus Karai) and their Classpects:

Leonardo I wouldplace as a Mage of Void. Mages will uniquely experience their Aspect, bothgood and bad. As a result, they gain a unique understanding of what theirAspect is or does. Their challenge is to become open to new insight ordifferent perspectives than their own.

A Mage of Void would seemingly be suffering from ‘Nothing’,(Void pun lmao), and thus no one would suspect something would be botheringLeo. But, and this is my own personal headcanon territory, I’d say Leo has beenrepressing and avoiding hisexperiences with the Shredder for the last three seasons, ever since he endedup in that coma of his. Something that traumatic drastically changed his characterfrom someone who might’ve been a bit controlling and overbearing at times, intosomeone who needs to be in charge of nearly everything and pushes his teammatesto lengths they don’t want to be. (And Splinter passing on the mantle of leaderand sensei to Leo has not helped that complex in the least.)

To avoid feeling useless, or unneeded, or like he’s failingexpectations, Leo overcompensates and does his best to make his own personaldoubts disappear (into the void). Underneath that though, I believe hestruggles, even without realizing it, with being unnecessary or ignored. (whilehe’s made firm effort to be heard and listened to by his siblings, it hasn’tbeen a healthy coping mechanism for anyone since Leo is still just avoiding hisrepressed issues, and making life a lot harder for everyone around him. see myfiction These Days for more about this, when I get around to publishing the Leochapter.)

As a Mage, Leo would probably be able to let go of all thesenegativities if he’d just open himself up to other options, other views andideas. He needs a stern talking to about how a leader is actually meant to act,(Leading, not ordering around. Keydifference here.), and a good long self-reflection period. If he faced histrauma, and his repressed issues, he’d be able to truly lead the team as heoriginally wanted to, and just be a much happier individual all around.

Donatello I wouldput down as a Knight of Blood. Knights hide a fear of a perceived fundamentalfailure with their Aspect behind a shield of confidence and obsessive effort.Their challenge is to learn to take it down a notch and to understand that theyare skilled enough.

Blood can mean a lot of things; blood bonds, blood brothers,blood relations. Donnie’s whole role in the family is centered around hisability to provide support and stability to his brothers, through hiscontinuous and never ending work to protect and build for them all. His empathyis the strongest out of all of them, reaching out to people easily andsympathizing with their struggles. Of course, this doubles back as a negativeon occasion, since Donnie is attempting to give more than he should, and thusexhausting himself as he fights against his imagined failings.

Knights of Blood tend to feel deeply insecure or inadequaterelating to something Flesh or Blood about them. In this case, that would beDonnie’s mutantness compared to the rest of the world, and his struggles inninjutsu. While his brothers take to martial arts with vigor and enthusiasm,Donnie prefers to spend time in his head or lab, and while he is skilled asthey are, he would likely still see himself as a lesser member of his family.He’s the odd man out, both in family, and to the rest of the world. The reasonsthat set him apart are never going to change, and those are heavy things toweigh on a kid, especially one as socially isolated as Donnie.

Of course, if Donnie was given mutual effort and supportfrom his family, he’d be able to become as stable as the work he does for themall. Reassuring a Knight that they’re good enough, that their skill and workand Aspect are things that they’re able to excel at, that you do in fact lovethem for who they are, would probably be all Donnie needs. To move past theperceived failings he has (of not being enough, or not being accepted for whohe is) he needs some good old TLC and genuine appreciation from his brothersand friends. (And his dad, who never once praised him for being himself through the whole series.)

Honestly, just give the genius the credit and attention andcare he deserves, and his emotional/mental state would improve 300%. Seriously.It’s that simple.

Michelangelo I’dplace as an Heir of Breath. Heirs naturally gravitate towards their Aspector unconsciously seek it out. All Heirs so far have huge amounts of Aspectrelated strength. Their challenge is to not get stuck on one thing and to knowwhen to move on and adapt.

Mikey is air and wind and other related words in a lot ofsenses. He’s finicky and whimsical, and tends to just do whatever the hell hefeels like. When he does listen toyou, it’s because he feels like it,not because someone else wants him to. This has caused a lot of trouble incanon, Mikey going off on an adventure of his own making because he caughtsomething interesting and won’t let it go until he feels like it. His charactersums up to be either hyper focused on oneparticular thing, or be completely distracted by ten plus ideas or eventswithout really getting involved with any of them.

He coasts through happenings and fights without ever reallyletting them touch him; off in his own world rather than deal with theharshness of reality. Heirs of Breath are notorious for seeming indifferent oruncaring because of this tendency. Mikey’s go to reaction to lighten asituation, or full stop ignore it, is a fine example of how Breath players copewith traumatic events. Didn’t happen if they don’t admit it did!

It makes Mikey out to be this very callous person, since henever gives time or effort to the things other people need him to, and keeps tohis own wants instead. But he is a very caring person, being the mostemotionally open and connected person in his family. He simply never chooses touse that openness in the right situation, or actually come back down to earthto be a stable member of the team. Currently, the best way of getting him tofocus on anything is to just throwhim at the problem and let him take it apart from there. I nearly put him in aDestroyer class because of that trait in Mikey; his ability to enter any sortof situation, and tear it to pieces if he feels like it. But, in the end, histrait to avoid a situation entirely by leaving reality entirely places him better as an Heir.

To overcome this part of himself, the whimsical destructionand deliberate ignorance, Mikey would need to buckle down and actually dealwith his issues, rather than pretend they’re not there for the rest ofeternity. He needs to learn to keep his promises, fulfill his obligations, andbe there emotionally for his family. (He is sometimes, but only when it suitshim.)

Raphael is innearly every canon, a destroyer of sorts; which is why I’ve placed him as a Princeof Doom. Princes ghost theiropposite Aspects as they destroy theirs. They are violently stubbornpessimistic people that stop at nothing to reach their goals. Their challengeis to not destroy themselves along their destructive path.

Princes of Doom are reckless, full of energy, and nearunstoppable when they hit their stride. Raph is a battering ram against thingsthat get in his way, and his temper is no help in curbing his destructivetendencies. His solution to a problem is 9/10 times to just destroy itcompletely. Someone or something gets between him and his family’s goals, he’lltake them out. No ifs ands or buts about it.

This is both a bane and a boon, since destroying barriers orblocks can mean destroying enemies or metaphorical restrictions. Raph is arebel, and a loud one at that, and has never been the type to let rules orthreats stop him from doing something. Sometimes this works in everyone’sfavor, sometimes it causes a painful fallout for everyone except Raph; theresult of Raph charging ahead without hindrance or regard for others aroundhim, or pushing and shoving until he gets his way. His go to reaction is alwaysto force people into his view ofthings, even if it’s through physical violence and someone gets hurt.

Using his destructive impulses correctly, including hisanger issues, would give Raph the strength and momentum to bowl down anythingthat attempted to hurt his family. Princes are horrifically powerful at theirpeaks, and at the top of that peak a Prince of Doom would be able to doomanyone who got in their path.  Raph could be the warrior he’s hinted athaving the potential to be, dependable and fierce and strong as bedrock, and ifhe got his head out of his own emotions he’d be able to realize that potential.

But as it is, Raph still stands a chance of being swallowedby his own Doom, since in canon he has yet to really grab hold of that temperof his (we’ve had what, like five episodes or something of him trying over andover to do that? bs, I tell you) and continues to physically push his siblingsaround whenever he doesn’t like what they’re saying/doing. (Looking at you,elevator scene, all the ones like it.)

April is acharacter that has grown and changed drastically over the season, and to methis screams Page of Hope. Pagesstart with a deficit in their Aspect that they confidently overcome through obviousovercompensation. Their challenge is to keep at it, even if they fail and thejourney is slow, for they become the strongest players

April started out as the team’s weakest link; new toninjutsu, new to espionage, new to everything. And then she hit her stride (andalso got traumatized a bunch of times) and became the most powerful above all. Seriously,she’s got enough power to warp the face of the earth; she was literally designedto be the genocidal weapon that would wipe out the human race. And, her powersdepend pretty much completely on her own emotions, confidence, and mentalwillpower. (Also, she gets glowy and floaty when she uses them, especially ather peak power, which resembles super closely Hope magic.)

In the beginning of the series, April was well-meaning andsomething pretty close to naïve. She depended nearly entirely on the boys fortheir help in things, tended to hang back when things went south. Then, becauseApril O’Neil is no one’s damsel in distress for long, she started to takecontrol of her life best she could and became this furious martial artist thatdidn’t let anyone get in her way. She tended to let people’s views influence herown at first, sometimes even believing boldfaced lies, but now no one can hide shit from her. She’s thehuman lie detector, and her own opinions are the ones she follows.

While the rest of the kids here have a quest or two tocomplete, April has already finished hers. She’s her own person, in control ofher own life and beliefs, and ten times as powerful as her season 1 self. At thispoint, the only things holding her back is her A) restraints on her powers,which could be even stronger if she’d let go of the (already flimsy) morals shehas, and B) her deference to Leo as the leader. (Leo is making one bad callafter another these days; April should really just defect to the Foot clan(read as ‘Karai and Shinigami’s Murder Ladies Only Club’) and embrace the sheerdeadliness of herself.)

Pages go from the weakest player on the team to the mostpowerful, and we heard Kravaxas say it himself. April is far more powerful than her mutant friends at this point, and willonly keep getting more powerful, so long as she works for it and believes inher abilities.

Casey, because he’sa problematic little shit, ended up with the same Class as Mikey, being an Heirof Life. Once again, Heirs naturally gravitate towards their Aspect orunconsciously seek it out, etc etc etc, and their challenge is to not get stuckon one thing and to know when to move on and adapt.

An Heir of Life fits Casey perfectly, much to my annoyance aboutrepeating Classes. They’re completely unrestricted in almost every way, havingno rules, no limits and no boundaries of any kind. They’re openly dominating,reckless, and full of optimism in everything they do. They are also extremelyeffective at what they do and have no problem rejecting anything that theythink isn’t valid or not useful to them. They have no problems sacrificingothers and breaking rules in order to open up more options for themselves andmake themselves even less restricted by everything. Sounds like Casey to a T,right?

Rather than how an Heir of Breath copes with their problems,ignoring them completely, Heirs of Life charge right into things and make their problems go away. Let itnever be said that Casey jones backed down from any sort of fight; he’ll just keep going until he can’t, and thenpush through anyways. Any problem, any obstacle, any sort of block or adversaryCasey has ever faced have all been dealt with the same way: bullheadedenthusiasm and utter confidence in himself to come out the victor.

Of course, this still tends to get him into trouble, and he’syet to learn temperance to his unfaltering attitude. Casey resilience to anysituation he encounters is admirable to say the least, buuuuuut he is alsousually the one to have gotten himself into said situation. He needs to learnto not tunnel focus on an obstacle, and look before he leaps. Only then will hestop getting himself into easily avoidable situations.

(And because I have a rough plot for a fic I want to write inthe future, I’m throwing in Karai’s too.)

Karai I see as a Witchof Time. Witches are enthusiastic, confident and optimistic rebels.They break and change the physical and metaphysical “Rules” of their Aspect.Their challenge is to use their rule breaking powers in a morally consciousway.

Karai is a not so morally conscious individual, and is inmany ways a rebel. She originally followed her (shitty fake adopted) father’sword without questions, and was fiercely loyal, but once she found out thetruth… well, she’s done nothing since then but try to tear the Shredder topieces, and I don’t blame her in the least.

She manipulates and schemes and does so with utterconfidence in herself. She’s put a lot of Time and effort into seeing her falsefather’s downfall, and she did in a clever and brilliant manner. (And I fuckinghate canon for robbing her of her own arc’s conclusion, and instead shunted thewhole thing over to Leo, while Karai was written into being ‘okay’ with notgetting her very well deserved vengeance.Fuck this fucking show, god.)

While Karai’s future position as a criminal empire warlordis one I fully agree with, I do think she needs to learn to mind the fallout ofher actions a bit better. Yes she should continue to forge her path ahead withall the fighting and gore that comes with being a ninja, but she should watchout that she doesn’t hurt people she shouldn’t in the process. (See: the BrokenFoot episode, where she brought Leo on and not the other boys, encouraged thesecrecy of things from the family, and resulted in Donnie being injured badlyenough he needed magical healing.)

Also: Karai  would be fucking terrifying as a Timeplayer. She could do anything she wanted to the fabric of someone’s Time (theirpast, present, future) and no one would be able to stop her once she’d put hermind to it. I would pay good money to see this come to be, because I do love awoman with a goal and not a lot of care how she reaches it.

Aaaaaaaaaand that’s about it! If anyone wants moreClasspects by me, feel free to pop into my inbox and ask for the characterspecifically! If I take a while, its bc this does take some serious thinking, but if the ask really catches myattention rest assured I’ll answer it eventually.

I miss the years when everyone was doing these. I miss beingallowed to turn everything into a Homestuck AU. *le sigh*

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 12 Confessionals

I try not to be cocky but ... I'm sorry, Jordan trying to vote me and flopping - while using the CHAOS SQUAD gimmick - has to be my favorite move in this whole game. I think I must have fallen asleep at some point and been transported back to Taveuni because this is feeling awfully familiar!!! Caron and Zach going to rocks for me ... honestly, icons. I love them both. I'm sad that Katie had to be sacrificed but I'm glad that the other two survived because I'm going to need them to take down Jordan!! Nothing person, Jordan, but this is not going to be Taveuni 2.0 ... I'm not going to let you comp win your way to the end. Not today, Satan. NOT TODAY!

I can't believe... that worked... I deadass went to Charlotte with information of Luke/Jordan wanting her out, and I knew that the chances of Char believing me were fairly slim since our history in KS. But I figured, and Carson did as well, that J/L/K are a trio, and although a quad with Char, that they are extremely powerful in this game and they have such a good argument to win in the final 2 due to the 7-2 slant of ulta/copa Now I feel like we have a pretty solid 3 of Char/Carson/myself vs Jordan/Luke. I'm going for immunity hard because I know that if J/L win, then they're going to idol the other person, and one of the ulta members will leave. At least in the chance that I (or even Carson/Char) win immunity, it's a 50-50 chance. I think Carson has the least likely chance of being voted by them though, so good for him! Seeing Katie being rocked out thought was sad because I enjoy her and think she's amazing, but was SO FUCKING GREAT! CARSON AND I WERE SO HYPED BECAUSE WE MADE sappy messages being like "it was great meeting you again, i love you and we should be friends once this season's over :(" SINCE IT WAS A 66.7% CHANCE ONE OF US WERE LEAVING AND ALSO, I EXPERIENCED A ROCK DRAW. I can finally die happy. I kind of wish I got rocked out, but nonetheless i'm still grateful to be here. Immunity is live tonight so that's worrying too. Overall, "Operation: Eject Luke" was partially a success since we weakened their strong trio, but there's still a lot of game to play. I haven't even thought about the final two plea yet, but I know that I was the person who got this flip to happen so... i'm on some path, at least.

Last round was WAY too wild. I was so sure we had the numbers to get Charlotte out but it turns out they were playing us, ROCKS WERE DRAWN, and Katie went home which sucks because she was a definite number for Jordan and myself so now we're outnumbered. But being outnumbered is our speciality, we've been outnumbered this entire game. I have the idol in my back pocket and I'm 100% set on using that idol on myself if I don't win the immunity challenge. If Jordan wins immunity, I play it on myself. If I win immunity, I play it on Jordan. If neither of us wins.....sorry Pines, every Copa for himself?

I was going to do a video confessional but honestly I'm too tired. Somehow I seem to have been put in a position where I'm in the middle of two alliances and have to decide what I want to go with. Again. Seriously, I wasn't kidding when I said that I felt like we were back in Taveuni. I spent like 45 minutes on call with Carson and Zach last night trying to figure out what we wanted to do. There's a pretty good chance that Luke has the idol and we're pretty sure that he's not reckless enough to try to play it on Jordan and leave himself exposed. That would be an insane kind of loyalty, right? There's also the possibility that Katie was voted out with it, or that Jordan has it and he's been playing up being 'desperate' and worried this vote ... but that seemed pretty Extra even for him. If he had an idol, he'd just play it and call it a day.. right? I suppose there's the off chance that he could be trying to get both he and Luke through this vote but that just can't happen. I'm sorry, you're C*pa ... you can't seriously expect two of you to make it to Final 4. It's a miracle you've survived as long as you have! I mean .. no. Just no. I'm in this awkward position though because like ... okay, I spent an hour on call (maybe 90 minutes? IDK) with Jordan last night and I do genuinely like him as a person. As extra as he might be. Do I want to support my local Jordan Pines and save him? Eh, that's up for debate... though there's no denying that having him around certainly makes my life more interesting. Good interesting or bad interesting? Again, up for debate. Zach and Carson are the reason why I'm still here. If it weren't for my relationships with them, Jordan might have successfully voted me out and not played the fool with that Chaos Squad bullshit. AGAIN.  Turning on them to save the person who tried to vote me out last round? Even if he's promising me he'll cut Luke off at F4 and take me to F3? I'd have to be a moron. I'd have to be the stupidest person on the planet to trust Jordan Pines again. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice? Burn, bitch. Burn. So I'm going to talk to Jordan today, and I'm going to consider my options, but the chances of me flopping are slim to none. I think it would be an awful game move and it would tank my jury relationships on the off chance I managed to make it to the F2. Way to go, Jordan. Look what you made me do.

So I know I said last round that it was every Copa for himself and that the idol was being played on me.....well....idk how sure that it is now but I could possibly be playing the idol on Jordan Pines. I know it's crazy and it could completely backfire on me but like.....I'm so nervous about this round. We're trying to convince Charlotte to vote with us but we don't think that she's going to do it so we have to think long and hard about which of us the idol is going to be played on. Eurgh...I hate that Golden Rope. 

JORDAN PINES ISNT FUCKING DYING, LUKE IS PLAYING THE IDOL ON ME FUCKIGN FREEDOM. FINAL 4 AND THEN I AM TWO CHALLENGES AWAY FROM HOPEFULLY WINNING OMG AHHHHHHH JORDAN FUCKING PINESIF LUKE GOES TONIGHT, I WILL CRY, LIKE ACTUALLY BREAK DOWN IN TEARS. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THICK AND THIN TOGETHER ADN I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH THIS GAME WITHOUT HIM. in all sincerity i would rather lose to luke in finals than win without him there. He is my rock in this game, and if I survive and he doesn't tonight. I might just cry.

sooo... i used the golden rope to stop jordan from winning immunity?? so charlotte won immunity bc of me, then i get to go to wishing well and get: [10/4/2017 6:52:39 PM] Ryan Palmer: Congratulations! You have earned yourself a task from the well. Once you complete this task to the hosts appeasement you may earn a special reward. This is the Final Five tribal council, it's a big one! And this Reward you can earn is MASSIVE! It can drastically alter the fate of this game. And for a power that big, you need to do something drastic to earn it. You need to Self-Vote at this Tribal Council. As long as you don't submit an official vote this power will be yours. And another temptation, just know that this power can be used whether you are in or out of the game. If you do not complete it you will earn nothing. LIKE... im not gonna self vote out of this game so im not gonna go for it even though i desperately want to. with jordan and luke both able to be voted for, it seems like we're gonna be voting for jordan, assuming luke has the idol and will use it for himself?? i hope that we're able to somehow do something where i wont be idoled out. i reaslly hope im not idoled out bc i just wanna make it past 4th so i can improve my placement this time around. idk if theyre voting me ro zach but honestly... i might be a shitty ally by saying this, but i hope theyre voting zach :/ i dont wanna be idoled out at all and i feel like i might be taking this game a bit more seriously than zach?? idk i dont want either of us to go so ill pray for that outcome instead. i really hope i can survive this tribal

So like ideally I think the vote tonight is going to be 3-2 Jordan/Me or Jordan/Carson. Preferably Carson just because I like my track record of minimal votes, but I doubt that I will be receiving 0 votes tonight. On a similar note, there's chances that I won't even be here tomorrow. Like... my gut tells me Jordan is going to be idolled and i'll be leaving. Going out with a bang, tbh. If I leave tonight, will I be proud? Let's go down memory lane. I will be proud. Despite being inactive due to consecutive immunities, I played during the merge. I came in as a 2nd placer, and potentially am getting fifth with 2 (or 4/5) votes cast against me total. I flipped votes, survived rocks, fucked over jordan pines' immunity (OKAY THAT LAST ONE WAS NOT GOOD I FELT SHITTY AS FUCK), but nonetheless I accomplished a lot or experienced more than the average survivor game. I hope it's in my favour tonight and that I wake up to see the final four. If not, then i'm satisfied with my experience and at least I go out somewhat big (idol, that is. if someone flips ill be disappointed) and on that note, it'd be dumb for C/C to flip because.. say hi to 3rd and 4th!

so apparently jordan/luke are voting zach if theyre telling the truth to charlotte (or if charlottes telling the truth to me, you never know.) im praying + hoping ill be safe and make it to the final 4 to hopefully match or redeem myself from my previous athena placement. ive just come so far i cant lose now idk.ive put so much into this game. jordans WAY more desperate acting than luke so idk if lukell play it on jordan if he has it or whatever ahhhh

You know, Jordan Pines almost convinced me to save him. It's nine minutes until tribal and I'm still not 100% sure I'm doing this. I guess we'll find out, won't we?