#and i'm sorry for this long answer i have been thinking about this for a while

[txniesha]

Complication Sylus x Non!MC reader pt.4

A/N: hey yall I’m back!!! It’s been a crazy month honestly. I’ve been working my ass off, I got a new dog and he’s bad asf, and moving in is just sooo stressful. Also this damn dog chewed up fuckibg MacBook charger so I don’t have a laptop until I get another one, i hate writing on my phone that’s why this chapter is so short. But here’s part 4 for yall!! Yk I think I spelt Kieran’s name wrong the entire time…

Synopsis: You thought you would be able to get away from him, but it’s never that easy.

Word count: 1420

CW: emotional manipulation, stalking, threats of violence

Zayne had left early that morning as he had to be at the hospital for surgery. He kissed you gently on the forehead and smiled “Text me if you need anything, I'll get back to you as soon as I can” he said before leaving. When he left all, you could think about was the phone call from Sylus that you got the night before. His words haunted you as you knew what he was capable of when he wanted something. What you didn't get is why he still thought he deserved you let alone was entitled to you when he clearly was infatuated with her.  You got up and started to pack your things realizing if you were going to stay in Linkon, you had to get somewhere where he didn't know where you were.  

That was easier said than done, considering the fact you knew no one in Linkon besides Zayne and....him. He was a regular at the lounge, usually coming in there alone looking for information. N109 was an information hub after all and there was no better place to get good reliable information than the lounge run by Onychinus themselves. You had a habit of getting close to regulars who were cute and seemed reliable. You went and picked your shattered phone up off the floor hoping and praying it would come on. It did turn on, so you dialed his number putting it on speaker, so you didn't hold the broken glass on your ear; it rang for a long time before a soft groggy voice answered with a hello. “Hey, Xavier! This is [name], I'm in Linkon and needed help with a thing or two” He lets out a soft sigh and you can hear him shift around in his bed. “Yea what is it” he says his voice calm and deep.  

You explained to him the situation, well not all of it, but enough for him to get the idea. He lets out a soft chuckle “sounds like quite the predicament, but yea you can stay for as long as you need” You thank him and hang up the phone, it dings a second later with the address. It didn't take you long to gather your things considering that most of it was already in a suitcase. You hurriedly checked out of the hotel, checking over your shoulder every second in fear of Sylus being right behind you. You felt like someone was watching you but every time you looked to see there was no one. You entered your taxi quickly, making sure that the number on the license plate matched the one you booked. You couldn't take any chances with a man like Sylus. He had so many people in his pocket that you felt as if you couldn't trust anyone.  

The ride to Xaviers place from the hotel was quicker than you expected. Linkon was a big city, so you didn't expect him to live close to where you were at all. You thanked the taxi driver, giving him a tip as he helped you get your bag and then made your way to his building, clicking the third floor in the elevator to his floor. You found the apartment ‘305’ and composed yourself before you knocked on the door. It opened after a moment showing a groggy and shirtless Xavier, lose sweatpants hanging off his hips and that ever so neutral look on his face. You smile at him, “sorry didn't mean to wake you” he shrugs moving to grab your suitcase lifting the heavy thing effortlessly. “Its fine, I just didn't expect you so soon” he says his voice calm and deeper then normal. You chalked it up to him just waking and followed him inside.  

His apartment was cozier than you expected. The neutral tones of tan and white offsite by the vast amount of lush green plants was surprising. The walls were lined with books, vinyl's, and more plotted plants. “You really have a green thumb don't you” you say with a smile “sorry to barge in like this” you say apologize again. He doesn't say anything but just walks over to you holding two cups of coffee and hands one to you. You thanked him, taking a sip, it was sweeter than you expected.  He just nods and sits next to you. He took a slow sip of his coffee, eyes dragging over you, not with hunger like you were used to, but curiosity. You’d always been a bit of a mystery to him in the lounge. Friendly, flirty, but distant. Now here you were, cracked and worn at the edges. “Are you okay” he says in his usual tone. You hesitate for a moment and then nod putting the cup on the coffee table. “Yea, I'm just a little tired, didn't get much sleep last night” he stares at you for a second before once again nodding. You forgot just how quiet he could be sometimes.  

You two sat in silence for a while, sipping on the hot drinks. He finally speaks up, “You’re running from him, right?” he asks looking at you. Your breath hitches and you look away suddenly feeling uncomfortable. How could he know that it was Sylus. “I don't know who you’re talking about” you say feigning ignorance. He lets out a small scoff “You work for Onychinus even if it is only at a bar; The only person that could have you this afraid is him” he says his voice now taking on a different tone “if you're in danger you need to let me know, I can make sure you're safe” his hand finds its way to your arm and gives it a soft reassuring squeeze. You still refused to look at him, afraid he would see right through you. You shrugged his hand off and pull your knees up to your chest trying to comfort yourself. “I really don’t want to talk about it honestly” you say looking away.

Xavier didn’t push. He just sat there beside you, the noises of the city filtering in through his slightly cracked windows making it not completely silent. The silence wasn’t awkward. It was heavy with everything you weren’t ready to say. Youb finally sighed, “is there somewhere i can smoke?” you ask him with a sigh after a while. He looks at you his eyebrow raised, “you smoke? I never seen you do that at the lounge.” you let out a laugh at this “it's because at the lounge I have to keep up appearances?” He lets out a small laugh, the sound soft and refreshing, “Sure just go out of that door out to the patio, try not to burn any of the plants” You rise from the couch and go out to the patio. The patio was beautiful, covered in big, beautiful plants of all colors. You leaned against the railing and lit up your cigarette, finally feeling a sense of relief as the nicotine stick filled your lungs.  

You were enjoying your cigarette when a giant crow landed right next to you where you were on the railing. It scares the shit out of you causing you to let out a scream. The bird didn't move, just stood staring at you as you screamed in fear at the giant thing. It didn't look natural, its eyes were red, and it had this almost metallic gleam to it as if all of it wasnt fully a bird. Xavier came running out of the apartment at lighting speed, looking around for the threat. He was a bit disappointed to see a giant bird sitting on the railing instead of an actual threat. The bird observed him for a moment before taking off into flight silently.

The cigarette fell out of your hands; they were shaking uncontrollably. Xavier stepped beside you, observing the space around you. “That wasnt just a bird” he says his tone taking a serious tone. You nod your head in agreement. It was clear that thing was sent here. That would mean that he found you faster than you expected. “Xavier, I have to go. Its not safe here anymore” you say panic rising in you. You turn quickly from him and start walking back into the apartment. He follows you, catching your arm once you were both fully inside. He turns you around to face him, the neutral look he always had now replaced with one of genuine concern. “You’re not going anywhere. Obviously, he's looking for you. I can protect you, I promise.”  

He convinced you to stay, the promise of his protection being enough to win you over, but nothing could ease the fear and anxiety you felt. You had never done anything like this before with Sylus, so the thought of what he would do terrified you. You knew he would never physically do anything to hurt you but you were still afraid. You sat on the couch, nervously picking at your nails. The nails that were once groomed to perfection yesterday were chipped, some even broken off, from all the anxiety induced biting you did to them over the past hours not even realizing. Your phone buzzed beside you; you almost didn't pick it up fearing it was Sylus but was confused to see an unknown number calling. You looked over to Xavier who had somehow fallen asleep next to you.  

You answer the phone a little confused, “hello?” you say cautiously. It was a moment of silence before the person spoke up. “So you are trying to hide from me” his deep voice says. There was a sense of playfulness imbued within the statement. You tense up not wanting to say anything. “This is unlike you, to be testing me in such a way. I would find it irritating if you weren't making this so fun” he says in his usual calm voice, you could almost hear the smile that was on his face. “I'm not hiding” you lie, the words sounding unbelievable even to yourself. He chuckles at the statement “You could at least sound like you've convinced yourself of that little lie.” You groan in frustration “why are you doing this Sylus! Everything you've done since you came back from your little disappearing act has been for her.” He lets out a tsk “Don't make this about her, she has nothing to do with your actions” he says the irritation starting to creep in trough every word. “If it wasnt for her we wouldn't even be where we are now” you snap.  

He sighs “I didn't call you to argue about petty things. You don't have a choice anymore. Comeback willingly or I'll just have to come and get you” Your breath hitches and look over to Xavier who was still sleeping peacefully. “And don't think he can save you” he says and then the line goes dead. Yiu sat there in silence for a moment and then moved to get up. You didn't want to put Xavier in harm's way so you thought it would be best to follow what Sylus says. As soon as you moved to get up from the couch Xavier grabs your arm. You look at him and he was wide awake now “Sit down, don't move.”  he says sternly. “Xavier, I have-” he silenced you with just one look that showed that he was being serious. You decided that you've had enough of testing these dangerous men and sat back down without arguing. He doesn't say anything else and jsut closes his eyes laying his head back against the head of the couch.  His hand was still wrapped around your arm, not tightly but just firm enough to let you know not to try anything else.

You look over at Xavier his eyes still shit, you knew he wasnt asleep. His hand traced soft circles on your wrist, it was almost as if he was trying to calm your nerves. “Xavier he's-” you start. “I know” he says his eyes still closed. You leave it there not wanting to discuss it any further. “hes not someone that scares me so you have nothing to worry about” he finally says. You just nod and close your eyes, not wanting to think about this any longer. Outside the apartment across the street, Mephisto sat still. He was watching ytou both closely, waiting on his masters next step.  

You didn't realize you fell asleep, until you woke up to what sounded like creaking in the apartment. You opened your eyes, the place was pitch black aside from the trails of moonlight streaming in from the peaks of the semi open curtains. You felt Xaviers hand on your wrist tighten and you could guess that it wasnt him that made the floorboards of the apartment creak. “Knock knock, anyone home” you hear a playful voice call out in the darkness “idiot you're supposed to actually knock first” you hear the same voice say. Your breathing quickens at the familiarity of the voices. Xaviers grip on your wrist was now lethal and you say a flash of light emitting from his side. The light now lit up the apartment and you saw the figure, well figures. There stood two familiar faces, well mask, of Luke and Keiran. You stood quickly bringing Xavier up with you. “Happy to see us boss lady” the playful voice of you recognized as Luke spoke up. Xavier steps Infront of you, his sword made of his evol positioned in front of him.  

“Ohhh scary” Keiran's voice says playfully “i bet it makes your bones vibrate when it slices through it” he adds. Xaviers grip tightens, and his voice was deathly serious now, a tone you had never heard before “Its only one way to find out” He swings the sword, but Keiran moves quicker, avoiding the swing of gracefully. “Woah man we’re here under strict orders from the boss man. He didn't say fight only to retrieve” You scoff “if he sent you two, he expected blood shed” you say. Luke gasps in mock offense “Rude! He sent us because we know how valuable you are to him” Keiran shakes his head in agreement “if you don't come back with us the boss man may just break down in tears, you wouldn't want our poor boss to be sad would he” Keiran say putting his hand over his heart.  

“Shes not going anywhere” Xavier says. Luke groans and throws his arms int he air “Who even are you! You're really starting to get on my nerves” Lukes's voice becomes serious when saying the last sentence. This was bad, really bad. If you didn't go with them who knew what they would do to Xavier. The twins were fun sure but were true sadist at heart. “The boss is getting impatient” Keiran says his voice no longer playful either, as Mephisto comes and lands on the window seal that was wide open. You sigh and make your decision. You manage to pull your hand out of Xaviers grip and the way he reached back out to catch it broke something in you. Luke got to you first though pulling you towards him. “Xavier, if I don't go with them now, next time he sends them they won't be in a playful mood” you say to him. Luke and Keiran both nod in unison. “He would chew us out so bad we would have no choice but to take it out on you” Keiran says shrugging his shoulders. Mephisto caws loudly and Luke and Keiran both look at each other “welp time to go, playtimes over.” Keiran says. They drag you to the door as you tried not to look back at Xavier “also don't try to follow us pretty boy, Boss won't be too nice next time” Luke says as they close the apartment door behind them.  

 

As they walk you out of the apartment you shrug their hands off “Where is he?” you say irritated. “Chilllll boss lady, you'll see him soon enough” Luke says. “You know you're his favorite; he's been going crazy these past few days” Keiran says as they lead you to a car. They opened the door to the back seat and there sat Sylus. “Look who willingly decided to come with us boss!!” Luke says cheerfully. Sylus just smirks and nods. “We’ll make sure the grey-haired freak upstairs doesn't try anything” Keiran says ushering you inside. Sylus doesn’t say anything he just watches you slide into the seat next to him. You flinch slightly as the door slams shut.  

His fingers trail the side of your arm, making you tense up in anticipation of his next actions. Hes quiet at first, as his gloved hand traced invisible lines on your arm. His touch was soft and deliberate and made you feel as if he was leaving a trail of fire from how hot it was. “You could have at least called and told me you were leaving” he says his voice terrifyingly calm. “Don't you think I out of anyone deserves a goodbye” You don't respond, you didn't even want to look at him. The space in the car felt a lot smaller under his intense gaze. His fingers trail back up your arm, the gloved hand lightly wrapping around your throat lightly. His fingers press into your jaw tightly and he forces you to look at him. “I should be angry, hell I should be livid honestly” he says quietly his face getting closer to yours “But the way you looked under him last night tells me i need to try harder with you” You could feel the color drain out of your face at the realization of him knowing. You shouldn't care about what he knows and how he feels about it but you are all too aware of the consequences of his feelings.  

“What do you want me to say to that” you shoot at him and he tsk at your attitude. “You dont have to say anything” he says his grip tightening slightly and his thumb caress to and you could sense his irritation. “But….you are going to feel the consequences of trying to leave”

He lets go of your face and taps the privacy window between the two of you and the driver. The car starts up and starts to move at a steady speed. He reaches over buckling you into your seatbelt. He grabs your face and makes you face him again as he speaks “But for now, just enjoy the drive” he says softly and presses a soft kiss to your forehead.

tags: @sillyfreakfanparty @crimsonmarabou @z3vl @96jnie @perqbeth @justpassingdontworry @malleus-draconias-rose @sleepykittyenergy @aboobie @syluslittlecrows @scrambledhuevos79 @madam8 @fandomenbylover@insidious-innocence @etherealsoul90 @xsammijoanneex @acasualattempt  @sylusgirlie7 @jasperjokester @animegamerfox @jae48 @goldenbirdiee @zoezhive @rxelarailuj @huuvu @simphoursonly  @athanasia-day @asakiyu @thirstblogforaparchedgirl @eolivy @caramelizedpopcirn @auraficial @dilf-destroyer-04

[magicalink]

Hiii! Could you do NSFW alphabet for a few more characters (like Zhongli Cyno and Alhaitham) and a virgin xiao x adeptus reader nsfw where they get walked in on? Thanksss, have a great night!

Official announcement 3 + NSFW Xiao fic

To answer anon:

After years of trying in vain, I came to the conclusion I'm unable to write requests about chars that aren't among my faves. (Ofc Kuni is my favest fave bit I also like Xiao, Kazuha, Childe, Venti, Lumine, Gorou, Tighnari and some other I cant remember rn) and im honestly not interested in Alhaitham, Cyno or Zhongli (Sometimes I write small thingies about Zhongli in my native language just to please a friend of mine who really likes him) but nothing as long and detailed as a NSFW alphabet.)

So Zhongli, Alhaitham and Cyno's NSFW alphabet are officially cancelled (I'm genuinely sorry). But here's a little bullet fic abt virgin Xiao x Y/N getting walked in on. Sorry for the delay. From now on I'm not accepting requests I know I wont be able to write quickly anymore, I swear.

Without any more delay, here it is! The Xiao fic!

Content warning: Sexual content. Xiao x Adeptus!f!reader first time ever. Yeah they get walked in on but dw happy ending just the way I like it :3

2000 years of suffering.

2000 years of pure, unadulterared virginity.

To be fair, it's not really any of you guys' fault.

The life of an Adeptus isn't easy, it's never been easy, especially for a Yaksha.

Liyue's last 2000 years have been full of war, conflict and contamination.

So you never really had time to sit down and think "hey, maybe I wanna have sex".

Pure Adeptus don't even have the need to reproduce, so it didn't really come up either.

But ever since humans took responsibility for Liyue's safety, the responsibilities of Adeptus have notoriously reduced, and that has left most of them with free time to cultivate their passions.

Madam Ping with her music, Cloud Retainer with her inventions, you know, the usual.

They've got so much free time they even adopted a humanoid form and decided to live among humans, trying to hide their identity, with varying results.

You've slowly grown accustomed to these times of peace, and that gave you enough time to realize just how close you had become with a certain Yaksha who fought alongside you for centuries.

He's always been by your side, you were always by his, even in thr toughests of times.

But he's the only one who barely has peace or free time, the one who always has to remain vigilant no matter the state of the country, otherwise who knows what might happen to Liyue...or him.

You always found it so unfair...

After so many centuries of service, everyone abandoned him to pursue passionate, peaceful lives.

Meanwhile, he remains vigilant, abnegated, continuously suffering...

So you remained by Xiao's side, always adamant that he was your companion through thick and thin, through health and sickness.

Until one day a human brought to your attention that, for their species, that tends to be more than what humans call 'best friends', as you sometimes referred to him.

Humans often times refer to that as 'couples', 'partners', 'soulmates'.

And that got you thinking.

The times of peace and the observing of human conduct took you to realize you were in love with him, and to imitate human courtship rituals.

Flowers, gifts, sweet words, all of them as subtle as possible so as not to scare him away. Lots of Almond Tofu too, to gather the courage to confess your feelings.

I'm going to spare you the details of how stubborn and embarrassed Xiao was about it, so long story short you started to recognize that you were indeed a couple.

Xiao felt it when he realized he saw in his bond with you something similar to what he saw between Morax and Guizhong.

He deeply admired that connection and yearned for something like that.

He realized it was you, his partner through the centuries.

He realized he was terrified of losing you, and of wasting the time by yourside, of wasting the opportunity to explore sides of your connection that he secretly desired.

So the long nights watching the moon and stars like usual started including more physical affection.

Touches, hugs. You finally told him you wanted to kiss the way you saw so many humans do.

You wanted to refer to him as your 'boyfriend' as Yanfei talked so much to you about. That word sounded so sweet!

It sounded so sweet to call him love! To call him baby! He would blush like a tomato and you loved that too.

You finally could enjoy all those things those centuries of war denied you.

You observed humans, fascinated. Although you hated some things about them and decided you never wanted to live amongst them like Madam Ping and Cloud Retainer did, you were definitely smitten with some of their courtship rituals, relationships customs and...

Sex.

You suddenly realized that despite both having genitalia due to your origins, neither Xiao nor you had brought up the topic of sex yet.

You got really invested in that aspect of humanity, fascinated, and wanted to learn more. You had to resort to books, the few humans who were willing to talk about it, and finally had to ask Madam Ping for advice.

Those hugs, those kisses Xiao and you had become so accustomed to, the ones you enjoyed so much...could lead so something that could make you feel a different kind of pleasure.

And you wanted that. You needed that. You craved that.

It was a slow process of little touches and insinuations during those sessions of making out under the moonlight, since Xiao was a bit shy about the matter.

But one night you came clean to him about it and he accepted to give it a try, just to experiment, because in all honesty, even if he tried to hide it the curiosity and desire building within him was driving him crazy.

And he accepted to give it a try.

After all, you've both survived through so much, that wouldn't kill you, right?

You both deserved a night of relaxation, tlc, new experiences, hopes and dreams, maybe the yearning of a new beginning...

It was decided.

That night was gonna be the night.

Your first time with Xiao.

You both had looked forward to it for so long...and it was finally here.

It was a hot, humid night in Liyue, as usual.

The sticky air ran freely through the windows of Xiao's room at Wangshuu Inn, barely contained by the fabric of the delicate curtains.

It brought the perfume of the night, of silk flowers and dew.

And it hinted of how beautiful the stars were shining tonight.

Beautiful as usual, you had seen them when you made out on the roof like always.

But tonight was the night, you both could feel it in your throbbing veins, so when the situation got really heated up you decided to go to the room.

A wise decision, considering the humans wouldn't be pleased if they randomly saw two adeptus going at it on top of the roof.

So you entered the room, hands tangled in each other's hairs and clothes, and lowered the lights to the minimum

You went to the bed.

It was comfortable, newly made, barely used, Xiao never rested no matter how much the humans at the Inn insisted he should.

He didk't care, you were his rest.

His rest and haven.

As the passion for you grew inside him and he found the courage to lay you on the bed and climb on top,for the first time in his life Xiao thought things were flowing.

He had been super anxious about the topic, afraid of hurting you, of messing it up, of dissappointing you, of finding out this human ritual simply wasn't mesnt for him. That he was condemned to always suffer and never experience such a sacred bliss.

He thought he would find himself in the room, fiddling with his hands and staring at the floor, contemplating his inadecuacy, but it didn't happen.

That night the love and the lust flowed so freely, so peacefully but so heatedly at the same time that neither of you dared stop the course of nature to speak about concerns, afraid of breaking that sweet spell.

The act of undressing felt like an extension of the usual, familiar, sweet make out session, and it was practiced like it was a measured ceremony.

Or at least that's how you two perceived it.

Maybe to a witness it would look normal, careless, unimportant.

But you both were vibing in unison and communicating with your eyes.

And there shouldn't be amy witnesses, this was between you and him...

You were lost in his eyes. Those beautiful eyes. Those shining golden discs captured your soul like a flame captures a moth, obsessed with its glow.

Those eyes were your moon and stars, what kept you going, what kept you enduring through the centuries.

Carrying on, just to see his eyes.

And now that you were laying on your back, looking up at him and seeing those eyes as if they were your night sky, you suddenly understood a million things that two milennia of war could never show you.

You were tired. Oh so tired. Just like him

You needed to let go of the war, of the pain.

You wanted to be shown peace, love, relief

Sweet relief.

And that's what you felt when Xiao's lips came crashing down on yours and your hands went to the hair on the back of his neck, when the clothes were discared somewhere unimportant.

You knew the important stuff was happening here and now, ok this bed, between you and him.

You had survived for this.

This was your moment.

The moment you'd been waiting for so long.

The moment when all the grief gets transmogrified into liberation.

You held him tightly, a surge of something inside you making you kiss and bite his neck until he moaned.

It went beyond lust. It was raw, unadulterated need, yearn, crave, utter desperation.

Xiao felt it too. Understood it was time to let go. And for the first time in his life, he did.

He let go and yielded to the loving insistence of your touches, leaned down and merged his body with yours.

For the first time in his life he did something he had no idea how to do, and allowed himself to do it anyway. Even if it wasn't perfect, even if it was dangerous, even if it was messy, it didn't matter.

It was perfectly imoerfect and that was life.

For the first time in forever, you were both living your lives.

Living for yourselves instead of being tools in other people's wars.

Using your bodies to live, instead of killing.

Moving in unison to a rythm foreign and new to you. The rythm of life. Of two being that are alive, breathing and throbbing, needing each other to go on.

Even having the possibility of...perpetuating life once more.

You didn't think about that possibility, it wasn't important for any of you right now. It didn't cross your minds. You were Adeptus, after all.

Yet right now, right there on that bed, one on top of the other, making the headboard slam the wall and the springs creak, you looked nothing like.

You looked like many things.

You looked like animals. Like two love birds getting tangled in each other's feathers, finally finding a safe nest to crash.

You looked like humans, two young, innocent humans who could be concerned about their personal lives instead of the future of a nation. Two humans who could have all the time in the world to lay naked and in peace, enjoying the divine bliss of feeling each other skin to skin...

You looked like Xiao and Y/N.

For the first time in so long.

No war, no death, no responsibility.

Just you and him resting your tired bones and engaging in the sweet dance of life.

It was such a nice moment, so magical you thought it was a dream.

Xiao looked so hot naked, his ripped muscles adorned by the shimmer of his tattoos and the sweat that ran down his biceps.

The expression on his face was priceless, those golden orbs that were your stars clouded with lust and need.

And the sound of his moans...yes, if heaven existed, this was it.

Making love with him.

This was your heaven.

Feeling him enter your body once and once again, juast at the right pace not to miss him whenever he pulled out.

Clinging to his beautiful hair, the texture that had kept you grounded for centuries.

The sight of his fangs whenever he moaned.

The way his hands roamed over your body trying to learn, learn, learn how to do this and how to do this again, because this couldn't be the only time you did this in your lives.

There had to be more. So he roamed his hands trying places he thought you might like, searching for your favorites. Whenever you moaned, like you did when he caressed your breasts, he would insist on that spot.

You were trying to do the same for him when se sound of the Inn room opening shattered the magic and peace of the moment into a million illusions.

You jolted against the mattress, horrified, and Xiao was so scared of having hurt you that he didn't notice the intruder. He tried to pull back, cup your chin, but everything happened too fast.

The intruder gasped, but the sound was drowned by the one of a porcelain plate shattering harshly against the wooden floor.

Now Xiao didn't hesitate. His muscular memory did not fail him.

Terrified of someone hurting you in this vulnerable moment, Xiao's body moved on its own. He turned away from you, leapt from the bed, summoned his spear and pressed it against the intruder's neck, reducing him in less than a second.

For a moment, there was silence in the inn room. It was a moment of utmost awkwardness and confusion.

You fumbled with the bedsheets, covering your naked body before turning on the night lamp.

"Mr. Zhongli, please, what are you doing here??" You questioned with your face bright red, looking at the scene before you, perplexed.

Mr. Zhongli was standing by the doorframe looking mortified, and a set of porcelain was shattered on the floor, the almond tofu that was meant to lay on them making a mess on the floorboards.

The worst part of the scene was Xiao, completely naked, hair tousled and sweaty, clutching Mr. Zhongli tightly from behind, pressing his spear to his neck menacingly.

In a matter of seconds, you could see how Xiao's expression morphed from the one of a desperate animal defending his pack to a pitiful mix of shame and confusion.

"I'm...I'm sorry." Mr. Zhongli coughed, doing his best to recover his usual composure. When Xiao released him, even more mortified than him, he fixed his tie and closed his eyes to give you both time to make yourselves a slightly bit more decent.

"I just...heard Wangshu Inn's chef was holding a special almond tofu tonight and thought it would be a mice detail to pay Xiao a visit and bring his favorite food, since we haven't seen each other in a while." Mr. Zhongli explained as neutrally as possible, his eyes still closed firmly as his posture. He wasn't blushing. He was too old and experienced to be phased by sex.

But...it would be a lie to say that it didn't surprise him to see Xiao doing it.

So he did his best to keep his composure and not pry too much into it. For now. Eventually he would get the whole gossip. But now was the worst moment.

"I apologize, Mora...I mean, Mr. Zhongli..." Xiao stammered with his head down as he fumbled with his clothes, trying to get dressed and making a mess "I should've never raised my weapon against you. I don't know what happened to my senses, I didn't detect it was you..." he explained, mortified.

"Oh, no, Xiao, don't apologize. You did what was proper in thia situation. I must apologize, I shouldn't have entered without knocking. I organized an event without asking you and interrupted your night. It wasn't proper of me to assume that you would be free." Zhongli sighed.

You didn't say anything, just observed the dude repressing the need to roll your eyes. You totally agreed. He had 100% abandoned Xiao after milennia of Xiao serving him. He couldn't expect him to not go on with his life too! He was finally movimg on, you were having a really important moment, and this dinosaur blockhead messed it all up. You wanted to punch him

"And I made a mess of your floor." Zhongli sighed, eyes still closed not to pry even more into your privacy. Now you did roñl your eyes. The old man is seriously worrying about the floor? You bit your tongue, knowing the only way to deal with him was to listen to his monologues like for the last two thousand years.

"I would clean it myself, but I don't want to importunate you further. I offer you my most sincere apologies, to the both of you. And promise you this situation will not be repeated."

The mortified 'please' that Xiao whispered between clenched teeth was audible to you and made you bite back a chuckle.

Zhongli exited the room as dignified as possible for a person who was dramatically covering his eyes, and Xiao closed the door behind him, looking utterly frustrated, ashamed and defeated.

"And lock the door this time, dummy." You teased him, trying to get over this awkward moment.

"Yeah, yeah." Xiao grumbled, fumbling with the human artifact until he managed to lock the door "I forget how these human things work. They're so troublesome." He huffed. He was fuming, his face all red from embarrassment. He looked down at the mess of porcelain and food on the floor when he stepped on it while he tried to come back to bed.

"What a waste." He barked

"The almond tofu? Totally, it's a real pit..." your words were cut by Xiao's lips.

"Not the almond tofu, Y/N. The...the...the moment we were having." Xiao sighed in resignation, looking away. You placed your hand on his shoulder, knowing it wasn't easy for him to articulate his feelings, he was making a huge effort lately.

"I feel so bad for losing that moment that I don't even care how shameful it was that Morax saw me like that. It was meant to be just for you. What a load of cra..." you interrupted his laments with another kiss.

"Let's make another moment. Don't mourn that one, let's make another one." You said with conviction.

"It will take another few weeks, all the preparations, all the..." he fumbled with his words, thinking about how he felt like all the planets had to align for something lile that to happen.

"This." You protested, kicling the covers away. You were still naked "We only need this. You and me together. Nothing else. We've been beating around the bush for months trying to figure this out when the answer was so easy." You placed your hands on your hips, raising your chin.

"T-the answer...?" Xiao asked, his hands shaky. You took them in yours and kissed them.

"The answer. It was you, and me, and calming down and letting it flow. It was so hard, because we never calm down or let it flow. But we did it, and it was working, right?" You smiled.

"Well, yes...we...we did it and it was working, but I don't know if I can do it at will..." he said anxiously, his eyes darting around.

"Well, you cant do it right away after that weird moment, can you? Let's just rest for a bit and calm down. Cleaning the floor can wait." You said firmly, bringing him to bed and undressing him to massage his shoulders, trying to make him relax. He was stiff as a rock.

"Chill...come on. The door is closed now. No one will bother us..." you gently kissed his neck and shoulder to relax him

"We're not doing this again." Xiao huffed resentfully. Your hands stilled, suddenly cold with terror "Stupid humans and their places and customs...next time we're doing it my way." He said with a determined frown.

You relaxed and almost laughed

"And what's your way, Xiao? Are you gonna build a nest for me? Shake your impressive plumage and build me the best nest ever?" You joked teasingly. But Xiao was frowning.

"You doubt my capabilities?" He huffed, looking almost offended.

"What?" You were weirded out by his replied, but didk't say anything. You didn't know if he would rally build you a nest or if he was messing with you in return. In any case, the possibility felt strangely...thrilling.

"Can you please chill? Forget about that mummified blockhead and go back to making love to me?" You pouted as you massaged him.

"Why? You really liked it that much?" He turned back to look at you with vulnerable eyes.

"You kidding?" You blushed "It was amazing."

"You mean it?" Xiao asked with his golden discs full of hope.

"Of course I mean it. I loved it, it felt like heaven...didn't you?"

"Of course I loved it too." Xiao sighed.

"Then please let's not treat this as a ritual that can happen once in a blue moon or else it'll be ruined..." you begged.

"But it's important." Xiao protested, and his cheeks turned bright red.

"It is. It totally is. But all it needs is you and me. Not weeks of preparation, or a perfect moment or a perfect location. Just you and me and...our love." You said looking at him with an embarrassed look on your face.

"Our...love, eh?" Xiao whispered, slowly leaning closer, closing his eyes in tension as if he was afraid the kiss would break the spell.

But it didn't. His sweet lips joined yours and nothing bad happened. It wasn't rehearsed or natural, it wasn't perfect or premeditated. But it was genuine. And thus one kiss came after another and soon you were making out as usual.

The kisses got more heated, the hands more adventuruous, and soon the rythm of life caught up with the both of you again

"Wanna do it my way? Do you trust me?" Xiao asked quite embarrassedly still.

"Are you gonna build me a nest?" You snickered teasingly.

"Not yet." Xiao replied with utmost seriousness. He didn't even bother gettong dressed. He just stood up from the bed and extended his hamd for you to take it.

You gave him a weirded uout look but chuckled and took it.

And soon you both were far away from the room, from the Inn, from Zhongli's broken plate of aomond tofu on the floor, from humanity.

After all you two were Adeptus and you couldn't copy the ways of humans forever. You had to invent your own style. Like the old people who came before you, like Madam Ping who defied all conventions.

So you clumg tightly to Xiao as he shone in a green light and teleported over and over, making you feel like you were flying over the vast and elegant beauty of the Liyuean night.

Once you were fsr away from the city, on top of the golden mointains where the Qinxing flowers grew, he stopped and laid you on a patch of grass akd soil that felt soft lile silk. Much netter than the human bed form earlier.

You laid on your back, looking up and observing the sky. Here it was closer, more illuminated, full of stars. But none of them were as pretty as Xiao's eyes.

He hovered over you, his eyes solemn, seeking your approval. He found it in your smiling expression and his heavy heart felt slightly lighter.

"I wanna make love here. Under the stars." He declared solemnly, lowering his head so he could caress it and kiss it.

"No one will bother us here. No humans or nosy archons." You chuckled.

You saw the small smile that formed on his parched lips and you felt the urge to moisten them.

You pulled him closer, urging him to become one.

This time the ceremony went uninterrupted until culmination, as not even the moon witnessed the union of this two individuals who needed each other more than life itself.

Until early morning, they laid entwined, the golden blades of grass enveloping them.

When the sound of the birds wolke you up, you just felt calm, peace and bliss

So you perked up your head and kissed Xiao's jaw. Sweetly, tenderly, wondering if he was already awake.

He was. But he wasn't ready to wake up and go back to the job. To the grind. To the pain

He knew things would be different from now on now that he had this beautiful shard of hope inside his heart.

But he didn't wanna wake up.

For now, he just wanted to lay in your arms.

I'm so sorry it took me two years to finally do this 😅 From now on requests will be written or rejected right away, promise!

See you soon, got a lot of wips pretty much wrapped up!

[nvxzaa]

── .✦ « what the fuck »

Masterlist

Pairing : Lee Minho x reader

Genre : fluff, little « smut »

Word : 1.4k

Warning : p in v, unprotected sex

- What the fuck?! exclaims Yn, sitting up abruptly, Minho still inside her.

He stares at her belly, eyebrows furrowed, still a little out of breath.

- Why did you stop?

Minho slowly slides his hand over her belly, looking concentrated.

- Your belly... it swelled up.

- I'm sorry? I'll go on a diet if you like, but stop messing about... I was about to cum...

He suddenly raises his head towards her, looking more worried than upset.

- What? No. No. I don't care if you're gaining weight. It's not that, it's... It's just... strange.

- Minho, I swear to God, if you don't start moving right now and make me come, there'll be no more sex for the rest of the month.

Minho freezes for a moment, then slowly resumes his movements as she moans beneath him.

He can't help but find the shape of her belly strange, but the idea of spending the rest of the month without sex is enough to silence his doubts... for now.

[___]

Later that evening, Yn lies on her back in their bed. She's dressed simply in a skimpy tank top and black panties, her legs stretched out under the sheets. Her breathing is calm, almost sleepy, one hand resting on her belly.

Minho, sitting cross-legged next to her, has been staring at her in silence for several minutes, his arms crossed in his lap. His gaze keeps returning to her slightly bulging belly. He tilts his head a little, squints. It's not an illusion. He's changed.

He moves a hand hesitantly forward, brushing his fingertips against her skin. Yn opens one eye, lazily.

- What are you...?

- I'm observing," he answers simply, concentrating as if studying a rare specimen. Your belly's really swollen.

She rolls her eyes and sighs.

- I ate ramen at 2am, that's no crime.

But Minho doesn't seem convinced. His gaze slides higher, stops on her chest. He frowns again.

- And that's how it was this morning?

- Was what like this?

- Your breasts. They look... bigger.

Yn looks down at her tank top, realizes it's sticking slightly to her taut skin, and sinks into the pillow with a grimace.

- You say that like I'm mutating.

- No, but... does anything hurt? Sore nipples?

- Minho. Why are you talking like a school doctor?

He leans a little closer to her, worried in spite of himself.

- Yn... have you taken your pill this month?

The silence that follows is a little too long. She looks away.

- ...I think I forgot once. Or twice. But it wasn't on my fertile days, normally.

Minho blinks slowly. Then he says:

- ...Fuck.

- ...Fuck, Minho repeats, in a lower voice this time, straightening up slightly.

Yn pulls the sheet up to her stomach, as if to protect herself from his gaze, which has become too analytical for her taste.

- Don't start panicking, okay? I'm not pregnant. It's probably nothing.

- Yn, you cried because I stopped moving in the middle of sex, you devoured three tubs of ice cream in two days, you sleep all the time and you insulted Changbin because he opened a bottle of juice without asking you...

- He emptied it, Minho. V-I-D-E.

- ...You were literally crying in the bathroom five minutes later. And now your belly's swelling and your boobs are growing like you've been pumping hormones. Shall I continue the list?

Yn glares at her, but there's a hint of anguish in her eyes. She sits up slowly on her elbows, suddenly more vulnerable.

- Do you think...?

Minho doesn't answer right away. He runs a hand through his hair, then sighs.

- I don't know," he says. But you can't tell me you don't have any doubts.

A silence settles in. It's no longer mocking, no longer prickly. Just real.

Yn looks down at her belly. She slides her hands over it, as if discovering this change for the first time. Her breath is a little shorter.

- What if I really am pregnant...? she murmurs, almost to herself.

Minho stares at her for a long moment. He doesn't smile, nor does he panic. Just... silent.

- So we manage. Together.

Yn slowly looks up at him, surprised.

- You don't look like you're running away.

He nods, a touch of nervousness in his eyes.

- I'm scared, yeah. But I'd rather freak out with you than without you.

She smiles a little, a little shakily.

- Tomorrow morning, I'll go and buy a test.

- No," says Minho, rising abruptly from the bed. I'll go. You stay here, drink water, breathe, and don't touch the bag of wasabi potato chips.

- I hadn't even thought of the chips...

He looks at her dramatically as he grabs his sweater.

- This is the problem.

The sun is barely filtering through the curtains when Minho returns, a pharmacy bag in his hand. He closes the apartment door discreetly, but Yn is already awake, sitting on the bed, knees tucked up against her, face closed. She's hardly slept at all.

Minho puts the bag on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed without saying a word. She looks at him, then at the bag, then at him again.

- You only took one test?

- I took four. Just in case the first one's a dud. Or if you drop the stick in the toilet.

She purses her lips, looking tense.

- Aren't you supposed to be the calm one in the couple?

- It's not supposed to be us, at all, this kind of situation," he retorts, but without anger. Just... too aware of reality.

A heavy silence falls again.

- What are you waiting for?" he asks more softly. Go on, then. I'm here now.

Yn grabs the bag carefully, as if it's going to explode in her face. She disappears into the bathroom.

Minho sits motionless on the bed, his hands entwined. He hears the tap, the torn plastic, then nothing. Just the click of the cap.

A few seconds later, she returns with the test in her hand. She places it on the bedside table, screen down, without daring to look at it.

- We have to wait five minutes.

- Did you time it?

- Hmhm.

She slides into bed beside him, wraps her arms around his waist and rests her head against his chest. He embraces her without question, one hand on her hip, the other in her hair.

The silence is heavy, but not unpleasant. Just charged.

Yn closes his eyes, breathing more slowly.

- Are you asleep?" whispers Minho, after a long moment.

- I'm trying. If it's negative, I'll have panicked for nothing. If it's positive... at least I'll have slept for two minutes before the crisis.

He gives a tired smile.

- You get some rest. I'll take a look for both of us.

She grunts a little, buries her face in his neck, and falls asleep almost immediately, as if her body were finally letting go.

Minho stands still, listening to her steady breathing. He looks down at the test, hesitates, then turns it over slowly.

Two lines.

His heart misses a beat. But he says nothing. Not yet.

He simply tightens his grip around her and closes his eyes in turn.

Minho doesn't move. The test rests a few centimetres from his hand, screen up, like a secret he alone carries for the moment.

He stares at the two lines, clear, assertive, indisputable. And yet his mind floats, unable to land on a single emotion.

He looks down at Yn. She's sound asleep now, one hand resting against her chest, the other clasped around her waist. Her mouth ajar, her eyelashes glued to her cheeks. She looks like someone who's been fighting her own brain all night.

Minho feels a twinge in his chest. He slowly runs a hand through his hair, gently untangling it.

He should panic. He should get up. Call Chan, scream or run to the other end of Seoul just to breathe. But he doesn't move.

Because she's there. Because under his palm, he can already feel the steady beat of her heart, and now, maybe... another, tiny one, somewhere below.

He closes his eyes, trying to calm the chaos in his head. Questions arise without warning.

Are we going to make it? Will she hate me for this? Will I be a good father?

But in the midst of this torrent of uncertainties, one thought emerges, clear, calm, stronger than the others.

I want to stay.

He leans in gently, kisses the top of her head, just at the edge of her tangled hair.

- You're going to freak out when you wake up," he murmurs, more to himself than to her. And so will I. But we're gonna do it. Even if it's an absolute mess.

She barely moves, sighs in her sleep. He stands there, his arms closed around her like a silent shield.

The test, now forgotten on the bedside table, continues to glow in the half-light. Two lines. Two new lives. One decision to make. Together.

[tttt06]

okay so. i know you did yuma BUUUT. i need like another one LMAO yuma playing with his friends on the pc, and reader being sneaky, blowjob under the desk? HELL YEAH, he needing to keep muting to moan and push your head, at the end he gets dom and slaps and only fingers you because you dont deserve his cock anymore

I have officially reached Lunè. Idk about hitting tho sorry I'm uncomfortable writing about that kinda stuff.

Playing Games

Yuma x Blackreader

Requests are open! I reply quickly. Masterlist here

More Yuma

Synopsis~ Yuma is taking too long on the game and you were promised some fun tonight.

Warnings~ Oral (Giving) Fingering (Recieving) Head pushing, Soft Dom, rough, teasing,

Word Count~ 700 sorry it's kinda short

I wrote the first version and it deleted and then I lost motivation to write it again

Yuma had been playing that game for the last two hours. You were upset. You and him had a plan to watch the new episode of your favorite show. 

It came out yesterday.

Yuma came home late and went straight to bed. You two didn't get to watch it. He gets so upset when you watch it without him.

You were sitting on your bed as you watched him shoot online strangers.

"Nicholas! You suck!" You sighed. Usually, Yuma's crash-outs were funny. This time, it wasn't.

You got up and nudged his shoulder, "Yuma?" He glanced at you and quickly at the screen, "I know, babe. One more round."

You reasoned, "You said that three rounds ago."

Yuma leaned back and looked at you. "I'm serious this time."

You watched him focus back on the screen. Each round was another hour of screaming from him.

You stood there thinking to yourself.

Hmm, what if I...?

You ducked under the desk, and Yuma asked, "What are you doing?"

You didn't answer. You kissed Yuma's knee as you pulled down his pants.

He mouthed, "Y/N. Not now."

You looked up at him. He could see the evil in your eyes. You weren't going to give in. 

Your hand tightly squeezed his cock, and Yuma bit his lip.

He was holding in a groan. Your hand carefully bobbed over his tip to his shaft. Precum spewed from his hole as he twitched.

You mumbled, "So sensitive."

Yuma's hand went to your head as he forced your mouth around him. His hips rocked to a slow rhythm. 

He muted his mic and groaned. "Your throat is fucking tight, baby."

You moaned against him. His body tensed from the vibration of your throat.

Nicholas said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! SHOOT HIM!"

Yuma unmuted, breath still heavy. "The game glitched."

Nicholas called his bullshit, "You have 64 Gigabytes of RAM. No way."

Yuma laughed, but then he felt you take him down.

He whimpered, and Nicholas asked, "What kinda laugh was that?"

Nicholas started laughing as Yuma muted his mic again, "Fuck, just like that, baby. Take it."

His grip tightened around your braids as he dove his head back. The lost screen came up, but he didn't give a fuck. All he knew was he was about to cum around your throat any second.

Nicholas said, "I'll let you get to your girlfriend. I have dance practice."

Nicholas signed off, and Yuma finally let out the loud groan you've been waiting for. 

He bobbed your head faster. The sound of him fucking into your throat sang to the room. Yuma breathed to the rhythm before finally tensing. His muscles hardened as he groaned.

"Fuck. Drink it all, baby."

He breathed slowly as you pulled away. You two stared at each other for about a minute. Yuma threw you onto the bed without hesitation.

"Doing that while in the middle of a game? Low blow."

You whimpered. Yuma dug his hands into your shorts. His fingers slipped over your slick, and you hissed.

Yuma said, "This wet from sucking my dick? Damn, baby. You're nasty."

You felt three fingers seep between your folds. Your hand gripped Yuma's forearm. You felt his muscles tense. You whimpered when you felt his fingers curl. "Ah~ Right there, baby."

Your back arched from the mattress as his demeanor got rougher. His hand slammed into you, palm slapping your clit.

You touched yourself to help you cum. "Fuck, keep touching yourself like that, baby."

You shook as you felt the knot. Your stomach bubbled with pleasure as you screamed, "More, I need more!" Yuma dove his head between your folds as he licked your clit. You started cumming around his fingers, pussy clenching.

Yuma smiled, "That's my girl. Just like that."

You panted. Yuma pulled his fingers out and cuddled you close. "What about-"

Yuma cut you off, "No. You rushed it. You don't deserve it." You whined, "Yuma, please!" Yuma kissed your cheek, "Be a good girl, and I'll think about it."

You dissapointedly sighed. Yuma was going to tease you all night. Bucking his hips into you, touching your thighs and breasts, but he wasn't going to give in.

[ssentimentals]

f1 pairings as famous love tropes: kimi antonelli x oliver bearman

magical realism (hate spell)

and oh my darling, i could never hate you cause hating you will kill me more

kimi is not usually the one to overreact in front of an audience, but when team witch sylvia calmly announces that he's been hit with a hate spell and therefore needs to stay hidden in this tiny closet, he doesn't think anyone can blame him for screaming 'what?' on top of his lungs. sylvia doesn't look like she's joking and kimi has a sickening feeling that this is not some elaborate prank by his team. just to be on a safe side though, he clarifies: 'this is not a joke, yes?'

sylvia sighs and shakes her head. 'it's very serious, kimi. thank god i sensed our safety barriers breaking and found you first.' seeing as youngest driver doesn't fully believe her, she adds grimly: 'bono was out there calling you names and promising to resign if they won't move him to another driver.'

kimi blinks. holy - 'bono hates me?' he lets out, voice just shy of breaking.

'my dear, everyone hates you right now. and some people get aggressive when they're in this mood-'

'hence you trapping me in this closet.' he looks around, wrapping arms around himself. 'what's the plan?'

sylvia winces and oh, sickening feeling in his chest only grows bigger. god, he knew he should've listened to his mother all those times when she told him to be careful and never forget to keep up his protection barrier. sylvia reaches out and rubs his shoulder in a way that makes it very clear he's about to hear something he won't like.

'i can't do much about it,' she admits, looking guilty. 'this curse should wear off in a day, but i can't- i'm sorry, kimi. i can hold up protection barrier around you until me and other witches get you safely back to your hotel room, but that's it.'

kimi feels too many things at once and his inability to focus on one certain emotion somehow cancels out all of his feelings, leaving only hollowness behind. 'is...everyone affected?' he asks in a small voice.

the answer to this question is not simple as he finds out later, following sylvia and her team when they lead him through some hidden exits back to the hotel. the spell works in a way that it affects everyone in the area of where it was casted; we suspect it's the whole paddock, sylvia informs him. kimi kind of wants to die after hearing it.

'it doesn't work on those who love you,' she continues as if it's any consolation. 'for example, if your parents were here it certainly wouldn't have worked on them.'

'but it worked on bono?' kimi holds the door open for her to come in on autopilot. 'bono doesn't-'

he doesn't finish that sentence. his own naivety is so apparent that he's too embarrassed to even look up and see pity in sylvia's gaze. of course bono doesn't love him. he's not lewis, they don't have any long standing history, he is just a nice young kid for bono. and it's fine, it should be fine, kimi knows. only it is not - his chest tightens uncomfortably and huge lumps forms in his throat, making it hard to talk. if bono hates him, does toto hate him too? he's not ready to hear the answer to this question. do all other drivers hate him too?

'it doesn't work when it's true love,' sylvia says once the elevator doors close. 'like parental love or romantic love. unfortunately, it affects your friends because friendship bond is not the same as romantic one.'

'so my friends hate me too?' kimi asks miserably, pulling out his room card.

'just for a day, kimi, i promise.' sylvia sounds pained like it's hurting her too and kimi feels bad for making her feel this guilty. he nods and she comes into his hotel room for the last instructions. 'okay, so just like we discussed: you're not leaving this room for today. order room service, text me if you need anything, but just stay inside. all teams were informed of this and necessary actions will be taken my each team's witch to ensure your safety. no one will bother you.' her expression softens and she reaches out, stroking his shoulder gently. 'just one day, dear.'

kimi nods. when sylvia leaves, he stay frozen for some moments, just standing in the middle of his room. hate spell. it sounds so farfetched from the reality that kimi is not even sure he fully believes in it. can there be a world where everyone hates him? his mind drifts to his team and then to the rest of the drivers and a pained groan leaves his mouth as ollie's face pops in his mind. god no. just thinking about the possibility of his best friend hating him makes his stomach churn unpleasantly with a threat to empty its insides at the very same second. ollie can't hate him. it's impossible - kimi lets out a laugh in disbelief. his ollie, ollie bearman, his tall and lanky puppy faced beautiful friend -

'mio dio,' kimi groans, falling face first on the bed.

it doesn't take him long to spiral. he's very reliant on the support from outside and to know that he doesn't have one even if it's just for the day is hurtful enough to make him want to curl up in a ball and cry. what really does it for him though, what makes tears fall from his eyes is the image of ollie looking at him with pure hatred in his eyes. ollie not coming up to hug him but staying back instead, his mouth full of mean and cruel words instead of the usual compliments or light-hearted jokes. his heart breaks at two when his imagination unhelpfully supplies him with different scenarios with one similar ending - ollie breaking off his friendship with him. and it's- kimi sits up and dry heaves in panic. his chest feels three times smaller and taking a breath becomes a hard task as he tries and tries to get his heartbeat under control. kimi has lots of friends, but in f1 there's only one person who is dear to him, who kimi always unconsciously searches for wherever he goes, whose presence makes his chest feel lighter, whose smile instantly makes him happy. oliver bearman can be a rightful pain the ass at some moments, but if someone would put a gun on his head kimi can sincerely admit that this tall red cheeked boy is the reason for... it all, really. from the moment they met in monza to then moving to f2 and battling there, kimi always had ollie. around him, behind him, next to him. ollie was everywhere and soon he became everything - little by little he filled kimi's world until racing didn't seem complete without him. sometimes, when kimi is overly sentimental, he thinks that it's destiny. that god looked at him once and thought that he'll need someone else beside him in this madness of f1 and then promptly shoved oliver into the picture.

on shaky legs he gets up and rushes to the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water. calming down is not a very strong suit of his, but stress of the situation and weight of his thoughts very soon just knock him out to a restless slumber. kimi wakes up after an hour to an incessant ringing of his phone. without really looking he picks up, groggily muttering 'hello'.

'are you actually sleeping?' ollie asks, voice high and indignant like kimi's committing a crime. 'i passed your paddock, george is filming some content and you're lazing your ass off on bed!'

kimi shoots up from the bed so quickly that he blacks out for a moment. when his vision comes back to him and the room is not spinning, he scrambles for the phone that he dropped, gaping. 'ollie?' he calls, too shocked to care what his friend called him. 'ollie, is it you?'

'no, it's esteban's engineer, laura.' he deadpans and kimi knows that he rolled his eyes. 'of course it's me. i got us few quesadillias and if you're not gonna say anything to our trainers then i won't too.'

kimi pauses. ollie sounds like he usually does. he doesn't sound like he hates him, which is... weird and suspicious. 'where were you?' kimi asks, chewing on his bottom lip. 'have you heard the news?'

'hm? what news? i was at our hospitality the whole time, kinda also fell asleep there. woke up and everyone was gone for some urgent meeting and i thought that while everyone is busy, you and me could finally eat something delicious. these quesadillas are-'

'ollie, don't you know what happened?' kimi interrupts, voice filled with urgency. 'about hate spell? no one told you?'

'what hate spell? someone was cursed?'

ollie sounds too sincere in his confusion for it to be fake. kimi knows that right now his friend's head is tilted a little to the right and his eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth does this funny thing whenever he's confused, when the right corner lifts just a little but left one stays the same. kimi sort of hates how he knows all of this.

'anyway, i'm at the lobby now, so i'll be at yours in a few. room number 1287, right? i'm coming right up.'

kimi is too stunned to say anything at first; by the time his brain catches up with the program, ollie finished the call. with disbelief painting his features, kimi stands up and walks to the door, opening it carefully. sylvia told him not to do it, but- it's ollie. ollie, who doesn't know about hate spell and who's coming to bring him quesadillas like he's not affected. ollie, whose smile gets wider the second he walks out of the elevator and notices kimi. ollie, who doesn't look like he's coming closer to strangle kimi because he hates him.

'they are still warm!' he announces delightfully, shoving box to kimi's chest. 'i think we can also order room service? fries would be nice.'

there's nothing unusual in ollie. he still looks at kimi with sparkling eyes and awfully endearing expression on his face like he's extremely happy right now. he still smells like something too sweet, his cheeks are still colored in a rosy blush and this sight still melts kimi's heart a little. or a lot.

'ollie, when you were in the paddock?' kimi asks, not moving from the door and not letting his friend in. sylvia said that everyone in the paddock was affected. everyone. 'the whole time? from the morning? did you leave at some point, went back to the hotel?'

ollie, despite his obvious confusion, instead of questioning kimi back simply answers all of the questions: 'yeah, from the morning. i left it only like now? to come here. why? you're being weird, man.'

kimi is about to get even weirder, unfortunately. because now his mind is chewing on the 'it doesn't work when it's true love, like parental love or romantic love' part and refuses to let it go. his heart refuses to let it go. 'what do you feel right now?' he asks, no- demands.

ollie blinks. 'i'm... uh, hungry?'

kimi closes his eyes. god, give me strength. 'anything else?' he presses on insistently. god, give me strength to see it for what it is. 'do you feel like, i don't know- like you hate me?'

kimi swallows. god, please, let this be real. ollie looks at him like he thinks kimi lost his mind. 'kimi, what's going on?' he asks and this time he sounds concerned. ollie takes one step closer. 'what kind of question is that?'

'so you don't hate me?' kimi asks and his voice breaks at the end.

ollie, bless him, doesn't start laughing. nor does he walk away. something in kimi's voice must have made him feel like this is serious, so he answers in the most ollie way possible: 'kimi, i could never hate you. what are you on about?'

i could never hate you. the only reason why kimi somehow doesn't start crying is because he's too shocked to fully understand and process his emotions. 'even if i take you out on the race?'

ollie huffs. 'i mean, i'd pretty pissed at you.' he then shakes his head and looks at kimi with so much fondness that kimi finally understands why his friends called him oblivious and stupid. 'but i still wouldn't hate you.'

'never?' kimi whispers, shaking like a leaf. he feels like his whole life depends on this answer.

'are you in those sentimental moods of yours?' ollie sends him small smile that is reserved only for those he truly cares about. he then proceeds to break kimi's heart in two with simple: 'never, kimi. i don't think a universe in which i hate you exists.'

his heart breaks in two and ollie doesn't even know it. just like he doesn't know how one part of kimi's heart moves right into his hands. ollie doesn't know but kimi is sure that he'll treat it like treasure either way. because ollie is here and he doesn't hate him. because ollie loves him so much that hate spell doesn't affect him.

'come in,' kimi finally says, swallowing lump in his throat. 'sorry for all that. yeah, let's order room service.'

'you're really weird, man.' ollie shakes his head, thrown off by sudden change of the topic but just going with it because it's kimi. 'i'll order fries?'

'mhm.'

kimi watches ollie from the side and thinks that he's not going to say anything about the hate spell. this tall and lanky puppy faced boy shouldn't know that kimi knows now. kimi smiles and steps closer, sitting next to him on the sofa. ollie is ordering them fries and he doesn't turn to look at him, but his arm instantly lifts up to give kimi space to snuggle to his side. ollie is here and he loves him and he is his. kimi hides his smile, looking down. he likes how it sounds in his head, calling ollie his. without thinking, he turns his head and snuggles further into ollie's chest, practically climbing on his lap.

'spoiled,' ollie mutters affectionately and drops a little kiss on his head. he puts the phone down and then asks: 'by the way, what was all that about hate spell?'

'nothing,' kimi replies, closing his eyes, content to stay here forever. 'nothing.'

a/n: *takes a deep breath* i FINISHED IT finally, my fucking god :') this was in my drafts forever. hopefully you liked it, let me know! <3 - nini

my other formula 1 works are here

[itsallhoney]

here are the highlights from the samia q&a sessions in chicago.

this is stuff from both nights all mixed together. i jotted down few notes after but this is mostly from memory.

starting with more casual/general questions:

what's your favorite color? "red. what's yours?" pink. "that's beautiful." she took the opportunity to ask a question back whenever she could. it was actually very sweet.

what's your letterboxd top 4? [i'm sorry to my followers but i forgot two of them] heavenly creatures (dir. peter jackson) and princess mononoke (dir. hayao miyazaki)

what's your big three? sagittarius sun / capricorn moon / leo rising she did ask for clarification about which placements were the big three before answering

favorite sad song, chill song, happy song, and dance song? she gave two answers combining sad/chill and happy/dance-y. sad/chill: gotta have you by the weepies happy/dance-y: houseplants by squid

what was the last song you liked [on streaming]? heartbreak to hate by angelfish. she said she heard it in a thrift store and at first the phrase 'heartbreak to hate' jumped out to her and reminded her of sacred ('ou you never loved me like you hate me now') and then the song started repeating 'how long? how long? how long' and "it felt like kismet"

have you seen the new season of yellowjackets? "yes" if you were to assign a bloodless song to any character what would it be? "all of them shauna." then after some prodding "ok maybe spine oil is natalie." north poles reminds me of shauna/lottie 'when you see yourself in someone how can you look at them?' "we'll talk later." (and i hope they did)

if bloodless were a movie what would it be? the blair witch project

also someone said they took in a stray cat and named it after her. samia asked, "is she a good girl?" mostly but she has her moments. "well, i mean —"

questions about writing, inspiration, and being on tour:

what helps you feel at home while on tour? the people she's with and constantly drinking tea

what gives you confidence when performing? "i started wearing swim suit bottoms as underwear an for some reasons that makes me feel like i can do it" (i couldn't make that one up if i tried)

someone brought up the wolves — which is a play that she originated a role in off-broadway (#14) — and asked, does your theater background influence the way you perform on stage? "isn't it obvious?" she said something about how you can't hide being a theater kid

this one came with some context but basically the question was, what were the artists you discovered around age 18 that changed the way you thought about music/songwriting? her list was longer than this but, father john misty, fiona apple, mitski, the national

what writers inspire you? father john misty, a few other musicians, then she said she "grew up on maya angelou and anne sexton"

who is someone in your life that inspires you? raffaella

how do you get over writer's block? "there's this joni mitchell quote 'you don't have writer's block, you're just afraid to tell the truth' so i try to lean into that, but sometimes i think that only works if you're joni mitchell" then she said she keeps a long list of thing that interest her and when she's feeling blocked she refers back to that note and tries to find inspiration there.

someone referenced the interview at the current where she says synonyms don't exist and that she thinks there's a perfect word for every sentiment and asked, do you feel that way because you used to have trouble articulating your thoughts? "yes." and then she added onto that and she said almost the exact same thing she had said the night before to a different question about writing. i can't quite recall the question, it might have been about inspiration or it might have been about writing advice. she said, "i'm really interested in streams of consciousness because we all think differently and view the world differently so i think it's more about finding a way to phrase things in a way that's completely unique to you"

questions that are specific to her work:

night one, someone asked about before the baby. i can't remember the exact question but it was something along the lines of which before the baby song would you add to the setlist if you were to perform any? "i still really like 21." that's the only one you like? she hid her face for a moment while everyone laughed. i think the asker brought up welcome to eden and samia said she still really liked welcome to eden as well.

night two, someone asked about before the baby. i think a more general would you perform anything from before the baby? she said people have expressed a lot of interest in her before the baby singles and she's considering doing a tour in between albums where she plays some of her older stuff. she asked if we'd be interested in that. everyone cheered. "alright i'll do it!"

someone asked about playing some of her heavier songs live, what that experience was like, and how she dealt with that emotionally as a performer. she said she just stopped playing them at a certain point. she also said she would consider touring them again but with more mental preparation.

what album was the most fun to record? "honey." she said with honey there was a looser approach to the songwriting and she was more willing to let things be while with the baby and bloodless she was pulling her hair out trying to make sure everything was perfect.

if you had to unrelease one song what would it be? "oh no, people are gonna get mad at me... someone tell the boys." she held out her hands "i'm not going to do it! i haven't unreleased it, but if i had to that would be the one"

what artists would you want on bloodless reimagined? she confirmed that bloodless reimagined is happening but wasn't sure if she could or should share any of the artists. she said there was a big name she can't share but blondshell, carter faith, and dora jar are confirmed.

i love spine oil but i have no idea what it's about. "understandable." she said it's largely inspired by into the wild but it's also about some christian guys she knew in nashville that were very judgy and basically she was tired of their comments.

what is dare about — without getting too specific? she said it's based on the painting the hands resist him by bill stoneham which is supposedly haunted. she described the hands pressed against the glass in the background and said that they represent fate. she said dare was an attempt to write about a situation in her life from the perspective of fate.

[mystxmomo]

I love your posts on Vhaeraun! They're really grounded in his character and I appreciate that you went into the reasoning behind his actions while not dismissing that he sometimes does messed up things. I've been insane about drow lore for years now and I'm curious about your thoughts on Eilistraee. She's such an interesting character to me in that while she obviously cares about the drow and seeks their freedom the way she goes about it come off almost naive at times. But at the same time she has a deep melancholy and temper. And she opposes Lolth but her clergy still operates similarly at times with the exclusion of males and almost dogmatic reluctance to accept change. Idk I think her contradictions are interesting and she's not frequently explored beyond a shallow, romanticized lens. Sorry for ranting lol but if you have any thoughts on her I would love to hear them!

Yeeeah. I'm glad you sent this, actually. I have another ask that I'm writing up a longer answer for dealing with Vhaeraun and Eilistraee's relationship, and to get into why I see their relationship like I do I had to sit down and spend the first part of that analyzing her character. So, I'm actually happy that I have the chance to separate the post into parts, both for length and just keeping things concise.

First off, yeah. I think the important thing about DnD gods is that they're as "human" as they are. They're not omnipotent, they're deeply flawed people and characters with motivations and histories that color their perspective on things. I think a more grounded approach to them is "the correct one" (in as much as any interpretation in DND can be a correct one, but my thoughts on that still remain that they're just building blocks for you to do as you'd like with.

Now. This post is going to be equally long. I actually have a lot of thoughts on Eilistraee, but to explore the thoughts that I have on her we need to go into the bigger real world concepts that influence her and the idea's around her. So, I do feel that a few disclaimers going into this before I hit it with our read-more are necessary.

I'm going to format this post a little differently than I did Vhaeruan's. The thing about Vhaeraun's character is that within the books and DnD proper, he's meant to be an evil. Right. So it's not very hard to get people on board with the idea that in their attempts to demonize him, they managed to create a compelling abuse narrative. However. Eilistraee and her church, as you mentioned, often ends up getting seen through this incredibly romanticized lens especially within in the role she plays in drow society. So when her church doesn't have the best portrayal in these books, there's seemingly this community impulse to disregard those portrayals as something lesser or like they hold less narrative weight because they don't play into the better parts of the church.

So I want to start this post by creating a groundwork using things that are strictly from the source books and official magazines, and then building on that to lend weight to the portrayals her and her church is given within the novels. And then I will get into sourcing things like Evermeet, War of the Spider Queen, and Lady Penitent when I talk about Eilistraee and Vhaeraun's relationship.

Secondly, you'll notice I mentioned her church a lot here. Eilistraee is in an interesting position. Unlike Vhaeraun and Lolth (Of who I believe the books are rather explicit about where and how their motivations differ from their churches) Eilistraee really doesn't get as much of that treatment. We're told some things about how she holds herself and what she values, but she's purposefully left as an enigma. You have to make a lot more assumptions about who she is based around the community around her.

Now, I DO think the gods are separate people from their churches, and often times do hold different views to the communities that are devoted to them. My favorite example being Vhaeraun being genuinely far more chill about woman than his church is, and you can see it in the way he has to go "Yes, oh my god, you even need to help the female drow rogues no matter what."

So, I want to explore her church and what is seen as "good" within it in relationship to her, though I do promise to account for the fact that it is not her. I just think that there are some conclusions you can draw about her based on her church.

Finally, same disclaimer I gave in Vhaeraun Analysis is worth giving here. I am about to focus on Eilistraee and her church in a lot of very critical ways. I don't hate Eilistraee, I think a lot of people do use character criticism as an excuse to engage in character hate, so I understand why people get a little defensive about it sometimes. But I think she's genuinely a very fascinating character, and the criticisms I have are part of the reason I'm so interested in her and who she is. I'm an author who's main interest comes from exploring these heavier themes of abuse and trauma and exploring how real world cultural influences show within art.

Basically. This is fun for me, and if it's not fun for you, you don't have to take my analysis as anything more then one persons insane ramblings on the internet. This is a red string board of media analysis. It's also a LOT more subjective and has a lot of my opinions baked into it as a result of what we're going to get into, so. Make of it what you will.

Now. This pre read-more part of the post is already quite long, but as a final note. I'm going to be getting into a lot of heavier topics here. Abuse is obvious given the drow, but I actually want to get into specfically emotionally abusive structures, what cultural catholicism is, and passive sexism (Especially with Gender Elitism) and how these ideas and their existence within our cultural effects her church.

Okay!

So, I will actually start on a more positive note:

I'm not going to be criticizing the nudity or sexuality of her church. I have made mention in the past that I'm of the belief that the drow and the cultures around it, despite often being played rather straight in-universe as horror and cult abusive narratives, were things created on a Doylist level to be very titillating, sexually explicit, and horrifying. I don't think this is a bad thing and I don't think it discredits the weight these characters and stories end up having. And in fact, I think these stories could only be as strong as they are because they were fueled by being as emotionally charged as they are (Sexuality is an emotion.)

I think. And I acknowledge that this one is a very subjective opinion, but my opinion you will have nonetheless. I think, in a time where cultural puritanical-ism is at it's height, it's actually growing to be very important to have casual portrayals of sexuality and nudity, let ALONE nonsexual nudity. I've always been of the opinion that it's fine. Let woman go topless (if that's something you want to explore of course, the beauty of DnD remains if you DON'T want to include it you don't have to. But to deny it as a source of inspiration would feel incorrect.)

So I'm not going to be criticizing the nudity and sexuality of it all when it comes to her church. I think it's fun, I think there are ways you can explore that in a meaningful way, and I think something is being done thematically there that's worth keeping and examining as is given to us.

Secondarily. While there are things I'm going to be critical of with her church, there are things I really, really love about her church. I think the thing that tends to draw people into her isn't all the things I'm about to talk about, but rather the focus on drow as a people with art, and culture, and community. And this is something I really like about her church as well. Having something that puts divine weight on the importance of these things speaks to a lot of people I think, especially given that DnD was created in fuckle America land of the "Continuing to cut more and more from arts and humanities and community everyday." Her religion really is the only of the drow religions that puts this much emphasis on celebrating that.

I like domestic fantasy. I prefer it to hero's journeys actually, but if I start talking about that I'll get off topic.

So yes. I think there is a reason she and her church gets as romanticized as it does. It's built into the text to be romanticized, because the people who originally made it were romanticizing it.

Okay. so with THOSE two things spoken for. Lets get into the nitty gritty.

DnD and it's alignment system, at it's core, has always had something of an issue with the cultural Catholicism of it all. Cultural Catholicism is the idea that when you're raised in a society where the dominant religion is Christian-Catholic, even if you yourself are not Catholic it's likely you'll still pick up idea's of Catholicism within your own morality, and that those ideas will be echoed within the media you consume because as it is the dominant culture it influences what is seen as acceptable. You don't have to be Catholic, or even be raised as Catholic, to end up holding a lot of trauma and shame regarding ideas that are only considered shameful through the lens of Catholicism. As an example, a lot of people are still taught to feel a lot of shame around nudity and sex as a result of living in a society who's dominant religion influences the way conversations around it are handled.

So. To make my point about this, I would like to start by exploring the concept of Sin Eating.

The Silver Haired Knights were a concept introduced in Dragon Magazine #315. Dragon Magazine, if you don't know, if an official supplement material in the age before the internet. Now, it's worth noting. This was 3e-3.5e, which was the start of their attempts to double down on the demonization of all drow. Nonetheless, I think they thought this was a good thing and I still see it talked about today in some communities as a Good Thing:tm:.

Sin Eating is an ability that the Silver Haired Knights contain. I'm going to copy and paste from the wiki rather than Dragon Magazine itself because it summarizes it far better than the Dragon Magazine article does, though the Dragon Magazine article isn't hard to find, I implore you to go read it for yourself to get the full context of the class.

Powerful Silverhair Knights had the ability to "consume sins", to take the full weight of cruelty and suffering inflicted by evil beings' (mostly fey, humanoids, monstrous humanoids, and giants, but especially drow) upon themselves, which gave the Silverhair Knights their nickname: sin eaters. This was a complex and dangerous ritual, taking some minutes, that required the sin eater to maintain uninterrupted physical contact with their subject. The subject creature could be willing or unwilling, usually kept bound in the latter cases, or else unaware of the sin eater's intent if the sin eater chose to disguise it. When fully performed, the target creature felt the weight of all their sins on their conscience, understanding firsthand the errors of their ways. In cases of success, the target creatures were freed from their evil, regretted their past actions, and chose a different path from evil, often taking after the Knight, while the sins themselves were absorbed into the sin eater's soul and destroyed in the light of their purity and faith. In cases of failure, the sin eaters themselves were overcome by the absorbed sins; filled with despair, grief, rage, drained of their vitality, and fell into a coma for a full day. This could potentially kill the sin eater, but they would rise again as a ghost, with the same evil ways as the one they had tried to redeem. A sin eater could only attempt this risky ritual once a week, and only perform it on an individual sinner once a year.

I think this is, a little gross actually! To view this as a moral positive you have to believe in four things.

One, that sin and the weight of it is real on a metaphysical level (I do not.) Two, that redemption is earned strictly with forgiveness (I do not), Three, that people who are "pure" are noble by nature of being pure (I do not) and Four, that doing things without peoples consent to make them a "Better Person" is an inherent moral good, and anything done in the name of making someone live a "more ethical lifestyle" is an equal inherent good (Which I REALLY do not believe in. What is "good." Why is "good." How are you so sure your idea of good is so correct that it is work inflicting violence upon another person over, and in this context, changing the core of who they are over.)

The modern idea of purity, sin, and redemption, all come from Christianity. It is the idea that you need to work to be forgiven. It puts moral weight on the guilt and discomfort people feel for not only their past actions, but the past actions of the community around them. That you need to save others from their sin and from "evil."

To DnD, Good and Evil have an Aesthetic. You can be a good person that does violent things so long as it's for "good" reasons, and you can be an evil person that does good things however those good things are still considered evil because you yourself are bad. It's this idea of evil not as this very nuanced ethical dilemma, but instead as something that can be "Removed" from someone. I do not believe in this. I don't believe in the concept of sin (In that I don't believe in the concept of spiritual transgression or the idea of it as a corruptive influence) I don't believe in the concept of redemption (On a religious level of being absolved of it). I believe in people and their actions and how they respond to their circumstance, and I believe in people choosing to do better than they did yesterday. And this is one of the big flaws of Eilistraee's church and world view to me. Because to believe in Eilistraee's Churches Dogma, you have to accept the idea that drow need to work to be accepted. That it is their moral responsibility to show other people that they deserve their place in the world. And I don't believe that.

Although her arrow went astray because of Araushnee's treachery, Eilistraee chose banishment from Arvandor (and the Seldarine) along with her mother and brother, foreseeing a time when she would be needed to balance their evil. On Toril, the Dark Maiden strove for centuries against the hatred of Vhaeraun and his corrupting influence on the Ilythiiri (southern, darkskinned elves).

We don't know how much of Eilistraee's churches dogma's are her own. But based around how she talks about and views the drow under her brother and her mother (Cited above), I am willing to make the assumption that she sincerely does believe they need to earn their place in the world. And that's... It's kind of a depressing world view, isn't it? No community needs to earn acceptance and approval of others. To be allowed to exist should be enough.

...

Not unlike how I think a lot of Vhaeraun fans want to kind of swerve around the drow racism of it all, I think a lot of interpretations of Eilistraee really don't want to acknowledge the sexism of it all. But not unlike how I think the racism of Vhaeraun is deeply important to understanding how he see's the world, Eilistraee's churches specific brand of sexism and how it is an echo of Lolth's is DEEPLY important to understanding her and the culture around her.

In a way, I think ignoring the sexism of her church is worse..? Because often times, I'm met with the impression that it's not that we're CHOOSING not to include it, it's that we're not aware that it is sexism, right? There are a lot of people who, because of the romanticized idea they have of her (and because, admittedly of my own belief, of what is normalized in our culture and dominant religions) just don't view her sexism as a sexism, or believe her churches sexism to be a less severe form of it. I think both in the real world and in the in-character context of the text, the passive sexism of Eilistraee's church tends to get downplayed because it exists in conversation with the more explicit and violent idea's of Lolth's church.

Let's talk about Gender Elitism. You're almost definitely familiar with the concept of it, but. Term needs described nonetheless.

Gender Elitism is the idea that some genders are inherently superior to others. That they are, by nature of the existence of being that gender, inherently more valuable, more knowledgeable, more deserving of privilege and authority. There is no way to build a truly inclusive community with any kind Gender elitism as the framework. The idea that woman are inherently more valuable or more knowledgeable or more spiritually attuned is in itself a sexist ideology, and in the real world is often a reflection of sexist ideas of the inherent spirituality of womanhood.

And well.

All clergy of Eilistraee must be female, but they may be of any intelligent race.

I don't think people are often willing to meet the text where it's at. in the books, there's very clearly a self aware inversion of patriarchy -> matriarchy and a destruction of passive patriarchy through the lens of fantasy sexism.

However. Unlike the cultural Catholicism of DND and it's surrounding idea's of good and evil, I actually don't mind it's inclusion within the text. The written prose with DND (in recent years) are generally actually pretty self-aware of this flaw of the church, and a lot of authors purposefully play into the themes of it. And it makes sense to have it be included within the world building given what what this religion is in response to with Lolth's being the dominant religion of society. Eilistraee's church tends to reach out and recruit fallen nobility, and these are woman who are going to keep the views and want to keep holding the power that they do within their communities.

When you look at the kind of sexism Eilistraee's church is guilty of when in contrast with Lolth's, it's more palatable it's something I think men and well meaning woman alike raised in a lolth society would see as better. These are a group of people who already grew up believing woman to be born intrinsically more important by nature of that birth-rite. I don't think it's bad writing to have the conclusion that the Good church comes to be "Because we're not beating and killing these men, we have defeated sexism," while not addressing the core of where that mentality came from, and as a result still replicating a lot of exclusion and dismissing the importance of the lives of the men around them. Because that's a reflection of real life. I think even in real life, people struggle to sympathize with men and especially men who are victims of abuse, and it's something that blinds them to how they're engaging with this media.

Instead, my argument is that it's bad media analysis to ignore thats whats happening in an attempt to stick to this romanticized idea of the church.

So. That's the two big things with Eilistraee's Church. That's the lead-up to exploring Eilistraee as a character. But what does all of this say about her. How do we explore Eilistraee as a person as a result of all of this. Because, as I mentioned, the gods are separate from their church. A lot of gods do hold different values to their churches and different idea's then what their churches end up doing.

So let's dial this back a little bit and actually examine Eilistraee as a person. I'm going to post how she's described, and then I'm going to go into the longest point I want to make about her.

Eilistraee is a melancholy, moody drow female, a lover of beau- ty and peace. The evil of most drow banks a burning anger within her, and when her faithful are harmed, that anger is apt to spill out into wild action. It is not her way to act openly, but she often aids creatures she favors (whether they worship her or not) in small, immediately practical ways. Eilistraee is happi- est when she looks on bards singing or composing, craftsmen at work, lovers, or acts of kindness.

Eilistraee (pronounced “eel-ISS-trayee”) is a goddess of song and beauty, worshipped through song and dance— preferably in the surface world, under the stars of a moonlit night. Eilistraee aids her faithful in hunting and swordcraft, and worship of her is usually accompanied by feasting. Eilis¬ traee has worshippers of human, elven, and in particular half-elven stock (partic¬ ularly around Silvery moon), and looks kindly upon the Harpers. She is usually seen only from afar, but her song (of unearthly beauty, driving many to tears) is heard whenever she appears. Roleplaying Notes: Eilistraee is a melan¬ choly, moody drow female, a lover of beauty and peace. The evil of most drow banks a burning anger within her, and when her faithful are harmed, that anger is apt to spill out into wild action. It is not her way to act openly, but she often aids creatures she favors (whether they wor¬ ship her or not) in small, immediately practical ways. Eilistraee is happiest when she looks on bards singing or composing, crafts¬ men at work, lovers, or acts of kindness.

....

It is of my opinion that, when you look at the Eilistrae-Vhaeraun Dynamic and how they were treated by Lolth and Corellon, you're looking at a classic Golden Child/Scrape Goat dynamic. This is important to mention here because I do think that's important context within how Eilistraee (the person) see's and understands the world, and where her mind is at when it comes to the perception of her sense of self.

To VASTLY oversimplify about how emotionally abusive family structures work by a lot, when you look at emotionally abusive families with siblings, you tend to find a pattern where one child ends up getting the bulk of the favoritism and affection (The golden child), while the other takes the bulk of the abuse and tends to take a of blame and is seen as being deserving of the abuse (The scrapegoat.) I'll get a little bit more into the specifics of what that means for their relationship in a later post.

Now. Calling her the Golden Child, but I don't think being the Golden Child is strictly a good thing. In a lot of ways, I think a lot of golden children end up very emotionally stilted, and I think you kind of see that in Eilistraee. She HAS to be the perfect one. And she's had this expectation to be The Good One placed on her shoulders since she was young. Golden Children are often blinded to the abuse their siblings face because they themselves are not subjected to the same kind of abuse.

I think you're right in that despite everything, I would consider her defining trait her naivete. And I think the issue with trying to get into that is that people have a very specific idea of what being naive is. Like I think a lot of people associate naivete with people who are very childish and hold themselves with a lot of immaturity, and I don't think that's true. I think Eilistraee holds herself with a lot of dignity and comes across as mature and gentle and soft spoken, and you feel the weight of her presence in a way that you don't realize until she's left.

Naivete is just a lack of wisdom, a lack of having experienced the thing first hand. Eilistraee grew up very sheltered. She was shielded from the worst of her mothers abuse as a result of being her fathers favorite. Lolth doesn't give her the same attention she gives Vhaeraun (Which is good, largely, considering what her attention entails), she disregards Eilistraee as foolish and cowardly and weak, so she doesn't bother at all. That she was so sheltered is the source of both her empathy and her blindness. She knows the sight of abuse, but I don't think she's experienced abuse to the same extent her brother has, let alone the people in her church have. So she doesn't understand it to the same degree.

Now. The other thing about Eilistraee is that I don't actually think she's as open as she implies she is. She's always come across to me as someone who's very guarded. On one hand, she's walking around nude and supposedly that's representative of the vulnerability she has. But on the other hand, she doesn't reveal a lot, does she? She doesn't change. While Eilistraee is explicitly involved in her followers lives in a way that a lot of non-drow gods aren't, she's involved in a very passive way. She listens to them. Maybe she'll bless them with a dance. She'll send signs of her pleasure and displeasure, and she'll help them in immediate, practical ways.

But do any of her followers know her? Do WE know her? We know Vhaeraun. We know his personality. But what we're given of Eilistraee is what she likes and how she feels. It points to this very careful presence she makes of herself.

And that's why exploring the flaws of her church is so important. She wants to give her followers freewill, she wants to be the "good" one that doesn't influence them and lets them make their own choices. But... I'm going to steal a quote from @pansythoughts who I ran my thoughts about this by before typing it up, and I think that they articulated this really well.

"[...] She’s worshipped and revered and symbolic but because she didn’t involve herself in the running of things people mistook that as she shouldn’t be involved or shouldnt be involved (“don’t concern our lady with such trivial things, she shouldn’t be bothered, it makes her so sad”) that that for a long time enabled a lot of abuse to run rampant under eilistraee’s nose. By becoming impersonal she’s removed her real thoughts from her church in the name of being impartial. But it’s not actually helping [...]"

So Eilistraee hits this weird note of... She seems to think that being impersonal is what makes her good, but in being impersonal, she enabled the culture in her church to get as bad as it did. It's the intent over action mentality. It's the separation of herself from her people.

....

Now. I also want establish. I don't think Eilistraee holds the same views as her church with it comes to how a lot of men are treated. All text points to the fact she loves men as much as she does woman, just as she does any other race (Though I said I wouldn't quote it too much, her prioritizing woman to dismantle her brothers power in evermeet should at least get a passing mention, I put that in the same spot as I put Vhaeraun trying to kill her in that it feels like she was doing that as an uncomfortable means to an end. She sincerely see's him an evil, and if that is what she had to do to get him out of power then so be it. And then it spiraled)

In rare circumstances, males who worship Eilistraee-or beings without any priest powers who work to further Eilistraee's aims and need her visible blessing and support (or just some light)- will temporarily manifest moonfire (see Eitistroee's moonfire below). Such manifestations are at the will of the goddess; the lucky recipient has no control over the duration, intensity, and location of the radiance

Eilistraee to me feels like someone deeply rooted in idealism, and romanticism, and fantasy. She loves the arts. She loves dance, and music, and romance and love of all kinds. She loves the fantasy of lovers.

And this goes over to her wider views. She likes the fantasy of what she thinks good drow can be, and I think she lives in that fantasy and denies the lived reality of what a lot of her people have been through, and the biases they hold as a result of what they've been through.

But, she's not comfortable with what drow are now, because what drow are now are what her mother and her brother made of them. And she views both as evil, and the same kind of even. She explicitly views them as people that are fallen and broken, because they're not good.

Only in recent centuries has Eilistraee's faith regained a small amount of prominence in Faerun, as the Dark Maiden seeks to lead the fallen drow back to the long-forsaken light.

And they're not good and they can't be good, because there is an aesthetic to good for DnD and thus there is an aesthetic to good for her. And inevitably, when theres an Aesthetic to good, when you only view good through a certain framework and you're only able to understand good through the lens of people that fulfill a certain amount of requirements, there are going to be those who are left behind not because they're not good, but because they can't meet that aesthetic. They can't change, or don't want to. And there is going to be abuse that slips through the cracks because the good goes unquestioned.

Pulling another quote from pansythoughts

[...] And to get metatextual, I think that’s why a lot of people miss the implied problems of her church too, besides the insidious nature of bio-essentialism. The narrative context of the drow is horror. It’s meant to be antagonistic and horrifying to players of the game. So of course the thing from that culture rejecting that culture completely looks “good”

To accept that her church needs to change is to accept that maybe, she wasn't good.

Because. If she's not the good one, then what is she...?

...

Despite you mentioning them, I also didn't really touch on her temper and melancholy all that much here. I do actually think that's like. A defining part of her character.

I think it's deeply telling that one of the few times she's mentioned as manifesting as an avatar is explicitly in defense of her people. She doesn't know how to approach them to celebrate with them ("The Dark Maiden seldom takes a direct hand in the affairs of mortals, but she sometimes appears in the midst of a dance in her honor, leaping amid the flames of the feast unharmed") And she's heard of seen in the distance more then she's directly engaging ("Most worshipers see Eilistraee only from afar, perched on a hillock or battlement, silver hair streaming out behind her. She appears to show her favor or blessing and often rallies or heartens creatures by causing a high, far-off hunting horn call to beheard.")

But she WILL appear to defend her worshipers. And she IS deeply concerned with defending those coming out of the underdark.

I don't know. I don't have canon proof of this one, but I do think that Eilistraee is a deeply lonely person. Despite having friends in other pantheons such as Mystra, she feels isolated in the image she has to uphold. She can't connect with her followers, she's left with this view that most of her family is evil, or has rejected her for leaving. Of course she carries herself with grief. Of course she doesn't know how to be anything other than "The good one."

[xxmcr05xx]

Mina | Arthur Morgan x f!Reader

Summary: Arthur wants to provide a family.

Warnings/Contains: Smut, overstimulation, no spoilers!, established relationship, canon-divergence, cream pie, breeding, dacryphilia, domestic love <3, size difference, doggystyle, vaginal sex, rough sex, dirty talk, missionary position

WC: 2,041

Originally Posted: 09/07/24 on AO3!

18+ MDNI!!!

Divider by @deltamel

Arthur peered over to his wife, who was lovingly staring at a young family.

The man had always felt such panging guilt for never being able to start a family with his wife while they were young. Arthur felt selfish, stringing along F/N with the gang's activities, never seemingly able to stay in one spot for too long. However, a run-in with the Pinkertons and the betrayal of Micah and Dutch had led to Arthur almost dying if it wasn't for F/N saving him at the brink of death.

A year after that event has led the couple from New Austin to a state West of America. The pair had left their old life of crime to start a new life as a wedded farming couple - with quite the successful farm if you ask Arthur.

Arthur snapped back into reality as he thought about his old life and placed a hand on F/N's shoulder. "C'mon, darlin', let's go," Arthur ushered, turning the couple away from the young family as they exited a market.

The younger woman nodded softly at Arthur's movement, leaving the market alongside him.

Their walk home was quiet, Arthur had a lot on his mind still, he wanted to give a domestic family life for F/N but was unsure if it was too late. F/N noticed Arthur's strange quietness and held his arm with her spare hand/

"Hey, are you doing alright, Arthur? You've been awfully quiet this entire walk."

Arthur looked down at his wife, snapping out of his thoughts to answer her question, "Oh, y-yeah I'm okay, dear. I'll um- I'll explain to ya when we get home," he reassured with a smile. F/N squinted her eyes in suspicion, but let Arthur keep his peace as they were five minutes away from their farm.

When the pair finally arrived at their homestead, F/N dropped her bag on the table and went straight to Arthur who seemed quite worried. "Ok, tell me what's going on. You never usually seem this nervous!" F/N demanded, her voice cracking a little, stressed at Arthur's quiet state. Arthur sighed and ran a hand through his slowly greying hair, he grabbed F/N's own hands and rubbed them.

He admired the size difference between them.

"I just feel so... so guilty," Arthur bit his lip sadly, rubbing his rough thumb over F/N's soft hand, "I'm sorry I got you so involved with Dutch and the gang. I wish I wasn't so selfish 'n that I could have given you a family instead of makin' you go on the run."

Arthur paused for a moment, waiting for F/N to say something but she just let him talk, "And I just... fuck... I really just want to provide the family you need."

He waited again, begging silently in his head for F/N to respond.

F/N looked down at Arthur's hands holding hers and then back up to meet Arthur's gaze. She let out a small giggle and brought his hands towards her lips, kissing it softly. "It's okay, Arthur, y'know I'm not all too bothered about domestic life. What got you all sappy like this?" F/N asked with a small giggle.

The older man's face flushed, suddenly feeling embarrassed about his feelings. "I- I was looking at you look at that young family and I- God I sound stupid," Arthur paused before continuing, "I just thought that you might have wanted that..." Arthur's clear tone started to waver as he mumbled towards the end of his sentence.

The smaller woman giggled a little and kissed his hands again, "Oh Arthur... I already knew that being with you might have meant not being able to have children and that shit, and I'm okay with that," F/N had a little idea pop in her head, "although... it's never too late to start a family. You may be thirty-seven but I am twenty-nine, I don't think that it's too late."

F/N stood on her tippy toes to kiss Arthur's nose, "Whaddya say, wanna make me a momma?" F/N asked, her voice quietening down.

The world around Arthur seemed to have disappeared at F/N's request, he felt blood rush to both his face and his cock at her suggestion. "Oh you wouldn't mind that?" Arthur asked back, his voice softening, moving his hands down from F/N's own to her waist.

"Of course not, I mean, you'd make me a very happy gal."

That's all Arthur wanted.

Make F/N happy.

He then complied to her request, without a verbal answer, Arthur rushed his lips onto F/N's own with a desperate need. The smaller woman let out a muffled moan as Arthur grabbed F/N's ass, picking her up and taking her into their shared bedroom. Arthur kept his larger hands on F/N's ass, groping it with need while he placed her down on the bed gently.

Arthur was the first one to move away from the kiss, a string of saliva connected their mouths together. The man above felt breathless as he stared down at his gorgeous wife, face red and panting hard for air. "Fuckin' hell, F/N, you're such a doll," Arthur leaned down to kiss her again.

He moved his hands down her face to the bottom of her shirt, he tugged it softly before peeling it off her. They moved from the kiss so that Arthur could help undress F/N. Arthur could feel his cock twitch each time he heard F/N whimper.

"You really are the most beautiful thing ever," Arthur whispered, he smiled and kissed F/N's collarbone, rubbing F/N's sides slowly with his hands while he straddled her hips.

"Y'think so?" F/N asked softly, letting out small whines at each of Arthur's touches. He nodded softly, his lips moving down to F/N's collarbone, he then started to bite and suck on her more sensitive spots on her skin, which gifted Arthur with her moans.

His lips peppered soft kisses down from her collarbone to her breasts, he sucked a breath air in before moving his hands to her breasts, groped it softly before taking one nipple into his mouth. F/N moaned at the wet and warm sensation, running her hand through his hair as he continued to suck.

Arthur pulled away for a sec, letting out a small moan before starting to talk, "Fuck... can just imagine these filled with milk," Arthur panted softly, moving his hand towards the wet nipple and playing with it with his thumb and index finger. "Gonna make sure you're stuffed with cum by the end of the night, do y'mind that?"

F/N shook her head eagerly.

The bigger man let out a slight chuckle before pinching the nipple, moving his mouth over the second nipple, sucking on it for a bit. Arthur felt so overwhelmed with lust, he moved from her chest towards her mouth again, holding F/N's face with his left hand, his right one moving down towards her skirt. He seemingly ripped it off just for better access towards her wet cunt.

F/N let out another moan, she felt Arthur's rough fingers start to tease her lower entrance as her upper entrance was invaded by Arthur's thick tongue. The overstimulating feelings got to F/N, she didn't know whether to move away from his mouth or his fingers - her movement just ended up with her grinding against his fingers and his mouth.

Arthur was proud.

F/N let out a few small words that were muffled, which Arthur translated to, 'stop teasing,' so he did just that. Two of his thick fingers then entered into her cunt, the filling sensation was satisfying to F/N as she let out a moan into Arthur's mouth. Sloshing noises were head throughout the room, Arthur started to finger F/N roughly, desperately wanting her to cum so that he could easily fuck her brainlessly.

"That feel fuckin' good?" Arthur asked with a growl as he moved away from the kiss, F/N let out a whine and a nod, looking down at Arthur's thick arm move as he fingered her needily. "Gonna prep you so well, F/N. Gonna cum in you so bad..." Arthur started to huff out loud, leaning down so that he was kneeling in front of her legs.

He could feel his mouth water now, the smell and texture of her pussy overwhelming his senses so much. "Need you badly," Arthur moved his fingers out of F/N's pussy which made her cry out in unfairness, but was then met with Arthur's needy mouth.

"Oh FUCK!" F/N cursed out.

Her hands gripped Arthur's hair instantly, holding on for dear life as Arthur's tongue intruded into her cunt, lapping up her cum like a dog. His tongue plus his now fast moving thumb on F/N's clit was too much for F/N to handle, she could feel her body grind against Arthur's face, which neither were complaining about.

"Fuck.... Oh fuck fuck FUCK! Arthur it's too much," F/N whined out, she could feel tears form in her eyes, "can't deal can't do!" F/N started to slur her words when she felt like she was close to cumming. Arthur's free hand rubbed F/N's waist softly, as to signal to her that it was okay for her to cum.

Finally, the overwhelming feelings got to F/N, letting out a loud moan as she finally came.

Arthur felt alarmed for a sec, but moved his face and thumb away quickly from F/N as she finally came. "Shit, F/N... You're so fucking hot," Arthur smirked softly, rubbing her legs with his hands. "I need to cum in you so bad," Arthur mumbled, "I'm just... I'm just gonna put it in, you're okay with that, right hon?" Arthur asked while pulling out his throbbing red cock.

Brainlessly, F/N nodded slowly, not giving a care in the world what Arthur does to her, tears rolling down her cheek. Arthur wiped away the tears and whispered a thank you to her.

He grabbed his cock and rubbed the tip slowly up and down her wet slit, Arthur let out a small moan before finally burying his thick cock into her cunt right down to his base. The man let out a guttural moan at the grippy and wet sensation that was around his cock. "Shit," Arthur cursed out, "gonna cum so much in this pussy... gonna shoot my babies all in you."

Arthur leaned down and gripped the headboard with one hand, using the other to hold F/N's waist as he started to thrust in and out of F/N's cunt. The position that they were in made Arthur's cock his F/N's g-spot each time.

F/N's moans were spilling out like crazy, her tears were spilling out at an equal rate as she gripped onto the pillows tightly.

"Fuck fuck fuck," Arthur cried out, the feeling of her raw cunt was Heavenly to her, "please... oh shit... fuck I need to cum so bad- I'm gonna cum so much in your pussy."

Arthur leaned down, he moved his hands to her face and held it close to him as he sloppily made out with F/N, fucking into her so hard that he could feel her cumming around his cock.

The sensation of her tongue and spit plus her cunt gripping was the final straw for Arthur, he sped up his thrusts as he finally felt himself cum inside of her. The pair moaned out at the feeling, Arthur stopping his thrusts for a second to get down from his high.

He moved out of her cunt slowly, he looked down and felt himself turned on by the scene of his cum dripping out of cunt.

Arthur sighed and moved to lay besides F/N, who had her eyes closed and panting. "So... So good..." F/N whined out, she rolled to her side and held Arthur, who gladly reciprocated the action.

"I love you F/N," Arthur whispered, kissing her forehead before snoozing off to sleep alongside his wife.

[sarawritesx]

Imogen made a mental note to talk to her father before the cousins birthday and brief him on the relationship so he wouldn't have too much of a reaction. And she also knew it would be packed with family, her aunties will certainly swoon over someone as handsome and charming as Declan. She nodded lightly and nibbled at the inside of her cheek as he promised her that won't happen. And the little jab on him not being a favorite sibling made her chuckle. "Yeah, I think I kinda got that by now."she teased him lightly.

She kept quiet as he obviously had something to say, or find out from her. The expectations of them, their future, the possibility of marriage, kids. Before she was able to say anything about it, Declan made it firmly clear he didn't want more kids, which sort of made sense to her, knowing that Colleen wasn't planned at all, aside the fact he was the most amazing parent to her. She felt slightly nervous all of the sudden, although she already had an answer for him, and it all revolved around her mother who she hasn't spoken about to him, aside the fact she's been gone for a long time.

"So, we're going real serious here."she said with a light chuckle and sipped at her beer real quick before continuing. "Let's start with the husband part - look, I wouldn't mind getting married one day. Even though the signed paper means bullshit, I think it can be a nice crown on the relationship of two people in love. So guess that depends on both sides - although I think an engagement ring would look nice on my hand."she joked and looked down at her plate for a short moment in thought.

"As for the kids part... I haven't told you before, but my mother died giving birth to me. Turns out she carried this mutated gene that caused many complications and they didn't know, not until she died not even being able to hold me."Imogen began and looked up at him. "Turns out I was a risk of carrying it as well, and I got through many tests while back in school, and i have it, too. After that i was even more sure of not wanting kids, ever, even though medical world evolves every day, even though they could have done something to help me, I can't stand the thought of something happening to me and not being there for the child like my mother wasn't there for me. I always take precautions , even if no protection is hundred percent effective. I wanted to get my tubes tied before, but no one wanted to perform that on me because I was young and healthy and they said I might change my mind."she shrugged and scoffed, not even realizing a tear rolled down her cheeks which she wiped away in quick motion. "Sorry, I just don't get to talk about this a lot. But yeah, in the end - I do not want to have kids. And I'm fine with it." @spellbindingnights

"Very well, I'll take your word for it" he grinned. He could understand that protectiveness. He clearly was like that with Colleen and even his sister Cara, and he knew that he would also be like that with Imogen. At her question, he cleared out his throat a bit. "I won't let that happen" was the first thing he said. "But, to be perfectly clear, let's just say I'm not the favorite sibling" Declan was the violent one, the unhinged, the one who had always been out of control, and he certainly did not want her to see him like that. What she saw with fucking Seamus was a child's game compared to what he could do.

"Is not something I want to tell, is more like something I want to know" he admitted. "Your expectations... what do you want from this? Let's just say this goes on and gets very real and very serious... do you want a husband? Do you want kids?" He asked calmly. "Because I do not want more kids, and I don't want you to keep your hopes up or take that away from you, if that's something that you want for yourself" he explained, trying to be honest about this. He could compromise with marriage, but kids? No, one was enough.

@burnishedrebel

[daily-odile]

AUGH I’d love to see more time looping odile if possible,,,,, how do you think she’d like; “devolve” over each of the acts as compared to Siffrin over time :O

ok im gonna be honest i did like portrait edits months ago and just never finished them. so here you go

act 3:

act 5:

[cescalovestowrite]

Hi hello, I have seen the “Odysseus can pose a threat to Penelope if he sees her being unfaithful” debate everywhere. But can you help me to elaborate how?

Hi, sure.

There are people who have expressed it way better than I ever could, but if I can be of any help I'm glad to. This is going to be quite long and hopefully not too messy.

Sources for the things I will say: Penelope's Renown: Meaning and Indeterminacy in the Odyssey and Penelope: from character to poetics.

The first thing to say is if you're asking me whether Odysseus poses a physical threat to Penelope (e.g. whether he wants to kill/be violent with her if she betrays him), then in my opinion there is no basis in the text to support this. This threat is never made explicit by him. Odysseus is repeatedly put in a position to think about a possible betrayal (especially when he talks to Agamemnon, but also for example when he hears the love story between Ares and Aphrodite while he is at the court of the Phaeacians) and he never expresses violent thoughts or intentions towards a hypothetical adulterous Penelope. And this is not an attempt to argue that "he's not like other boys" as I'm sometimes forced to read on tumblr, but it is simply based on the text we have. Moreover, Helen's fate seems to indicate to me that in the Homeric world forgiveness towards adulterous wives is at least conceived.

BUT just because there is no explicit threat of physical violence doesn't mean there isn't an underlying potential threat that all the characters perceive.

On several occasions the Odyssey tells the story of Agamemnon and how he was killed by his wife's lover with her complicity. This story is a great alarm bell for the characters, it is a possible plot twist that everyone must take into account. The comparison is immediate:

Agamemnon -> Odysseus

Clytemnestra -> Penelope

Orestes -> Telemachus

Obviously the fact that the stories can be compared does not mean that they can overlap. For example, Telemachus does not feel up to it nor does he seem so willing to take on the role of Orestes as avenger of his father's honor. If he did, he would not have the same reasons as Orestes to direct his revenge towards his mother. But be careful about this last point, because it is clear that Telemachus has some resentment towards his mother and that he perceives her as a threat. This is what Antinous tells him when they are in assembly:

"For I assure you that so long as she maintains this attitude that the gods have guided her to adopt, the Suitors will continue to eat you out of house and home. She may be winning a great name for herself, but at what expense to you!" (Odyssey book 2, Rieu)

So one consideration we can make is that the threat is not one-way. Penelope is herself a threat to Odysseus and Telemachus, and they are a threat to her.

Basically the characters' ignorance about Odysseus' fate (will he return or not?) in itself poses a threat.

In the absence of certainty, there is no right course of action for either Telemachus or Penelope. For Telemachus because:

1) If he faced the suitors alone it would be a suicide mission.

2) He perceives the threat that his mother represents as long as she stays in the house, but can he throw her out if his father is about to come home? No. (Also it seems to me that he is unhappy with the idea of ​​throwing her out anyway).

For Penelope because:

1) by postponing the wedding she is endangering her son's life.

2) if Odysseus is alive she is endangering him and she is also endangering herself by remarrying.

The threat exists because none of the three has all the information, none of the three already knows how the others will act. For Penelope the decision to remarry is the best if Odysseus is dead, but it is objectively wrong if he is alive.

So this is the potential threat, but we can't ignore the fact that in the end things go very differently for the ithacan family than for the house of Atreus. The Odyssey proposes the theme of the House of Atreus several times, only to then distance itself from it and propose an alternative. And since the question was specifically about how Odysseus reacts to Penelope's possible infidelity, I think it's right to focus on his actual behaviors as well, not just potential ones.

An important thing to keep in mind is: the rapresentation of Penelope as the perfect little wife who would never cheat on her husband is very imprecise. Penelope is a person whose thoughts are very difficult to know, and it is very difficult to predict her moves. There is not a single character that can explain with definitive and authoritative voice why she is doing what she is doing. This is continually suggested to us in the text. I will try to give an example that I think is very eloquent. Let's take the scene in which she appears for the first time before Odysseus (still in disguise): she tells the suitors that the time has come for her to get married and narrates that Odysseus had told her that she could/should remarry as soon as Telemachus got old enough. So she convinces the suitors to give her the classic wedding gifts. And then

The noble, patient Odysseus was delighted at her words, because she was extorting gifts from her suitors and bewitching them by her persuasive words, while all the time her heart was set on something quite different (Odyssey book 18, Rieu)

So he "knows" that she is making fun of them. But let's think about this for a moment. There are two possibilities: 1) Penelope did not lie about the story 2) Penelope did lie about the story.

If Penelope told the truth then it is not clear why Odysseus should rejoice. How can he know that her heart is set on something different? Is he rejoicing just because she is getting gifts? Or is it because of a sort of pride in the fact that she is so desired by other men (her value as a woman rises)? This second possibility does not seem to be suggested by the text in Odysseus' reaction, but I point out that this interpretation seems to be very close to Athena's plan when she arouses in Penelope the desire to be seen by the suitors. Athena seems to want Penelope to prove herself capable of bringing value to the home and value in the Homeric poems is measured in physical objects.

Or Penelope lied. If Penelope lied why should Odysseus rejoice? Penelope's lie could just be a little excuse to justify the long wait that now is finally over. It could be, in Odysseus' eyes, overwhelming evidence that she actually wants to remarry. Otherwise she would have invented something else.

Here my imaginary interlocutor brings up the concept of homophrosyne. Those two have the same mind and therefore must understand everything about each other, right? Personally, it seems to me that this implies taking the concept a bit too far, and above all it is not really supported by what happens in the text (why should Odysseus fall into the final trap of the bed if Penelope's mind has no secrets for him anyway?). Homophrosyne means that they have the same mind, yes, but in the sense that they are both difficult to read, very distrustful, cautious, liars and both always have more than one purpose.

The point is that Odysseus (and we even less than him in this case) cannot know what Penelope's true intentions are. He can know if she is lying and he can imagine what her feelings are (also because he has been reassured by Athena about them), but he cannot really know them. How can you easily know the heart of a person who always lies?

And be careful because the bow contest is the same thing, if not "worse": how does Odysseus know that she is not calling the contest because she has actually realized that it is better to remarry? After all, that is what her words suggest. Odysseus tells her that having the bow contest is a great idea (and in fact it is because he will have access to a weapon). Can he suspect that she has recognized him and is offering him help? In my opinion, yes, but it would still be a suspicion.

I've finished setting the scene, now I'm finally getting to the point:

What I find important to answer your question is not so much racking our brains to figure out how much Odysseus knew (or how much Penelope knew). I think it's important to understand how Odysseus behaves in his position of ignorance about Penelope's intentions. In my opinion, when Odysseus sees Penelope and then tests her, he is not particularly alarmed by the idea that Penelope might decide that she can no longer postpone marriage. When they talk to each other he tests her heart more than her intentions. He knows she is in a difficult situation and is very happy with how she has handled it up to that point. He is also reassured by the way she remembers him, by the strength with which she desires him. He knows she is doubting but he experiences her doubts as a challenge, because he wants to win her back, to prove to her that her feelings are not misplaced, that he is still worthy of her love as he was twenty years before. So let it be clear that Odysseus wants to test her and be tested by her.

As I already said Odysseus can't be sure of her true intentions and he knows that. That's why he is still in disguise. But the fact that they both lie to each other and don't trust each other right away is what will bring them closer again in the end. It's what they share.

So to answer your question: Odysseus and Penelope pose a serious threat to each other: they don't know how the other will act and must behave cautiously because of this. And it is precisely this that makes it even more incredible that in the end, without their knowing it, their minds are so in sync.

[kenzan-brainrot-mp4]

talk more about the white whale/whale symbolism in general whatever thoughts you have on the whale stuff i want to hear it 👂

GRAHHHHH YEAH (This one got. Long (again lol) So be prepared (series-wide spoilers but I feel like that's a given atp))

First of all I just wanna say that I love how rgg drags the player along around the final chapter title. With how upfront the other chapter titles are in what they're referring to, you might end up wondering why they chose White Whale for the final chapter title once you see the title card (or at least I did). Of course, this could just be referring to the treasure that everyone's been looking for, but with how nonchalantly they react to the fact that the treasure isn't actually there, it doesn't seem to completely fit the bill.

But then you beat the game (and by this I mean beat the final boss) and lo and behold, there's an Actual white whale, and so you think "Oh! Duh, the chapter's called White Whale because there's a literal white whale and it pretty much just finished off the final boss!" But that still doesn't make that much sense. Why name the final chapter (arguably the most important one) after some whale that appears in the last like 15 minutes of the game? Like, take the final chapter name of (Kiryu) Gaiden, it's literally the name of the game (The Man Who Erased His Name) so it's gotta be something more significant than that, right? (But then of course take into the account that by this point the player is still convinced that nothing really in pyih is too deep/serious, so maybe it could just be something as simple as that).

Then you get to the credits, and they reveal that the "elixir"/the ambergris is found in the stomachs of whales. Damn, that's pretty crazy/cool, but once again, nobody that was actively seeking the treasure (Rodriguez, Jason/Noah, Spade Tucker, etc you know the drill) seems to hung up on the fact that they didn't find it, and they didn't even encounter the whale, so they wouldn't get that same sense that they just missed it either, again, it's not a big deal really, so why make that the final chapter title?

Of course, we all know what this builds up to: the big reveal, the fact that Majima, who we've been following along with this entire game, was looking for that elixir this entire time, was the only one to actually encounter a whale in the game, and then there's the insane line drop from Saejima.

"Kiryu Kazuma. You never could give up on that one."

Ironically, the final chapter title has nothing to do with that whale you saw earlier at all, rather it's a summary of what Majima's motivations/actions for this game, and the past. Almost every game, has meant for him. It's what Saejima spells out for us at the end of the game, but said in even fewer words.

An all-consuming obsession that only leads to your destruction. An impossibility, something that you can destroy yourself over but never achieve/obtain. This is what the white whale means, metaphorically. And it is this, exactly, that Kiryu is to Majima.

Kiryu is larger than life itself, to just about everyone. He's a legend, he's the one Majima has had his sights on since the very beginning, the legend he chases after game after game and also what he destroys himself over game after game.

(see:

Yakuza 1 -> Majima just straight up taking a full-on stab wound for Kiryu. Like, buddy, I literally saw one of my favorite characters die that way in another game, there was No guarantee you were surviving that.

Yakuza 2 -> Majima fights off an army of yakuza for Kiryu. That man was beat to total Shit (which is Not something that happens often) and we all saw it

Yakuza 3 -> Majima re-enters the Tojo Clan for Kiryu even though he is (extremely likely) aware that it is already entering its steady decline that we see throughout the rest of the series up until its dissolution. And while he's willing to do it for Kiryu, we can't exactly say that he's happy about the situation as a whole.

Yakuza 5 -> Majima's willingness to die for Haruka, specifically stated because "She means more to Kiryu-chan than life itself." Like, of course he wouldn't just let Haruka get killed, but to choose to mention Kiryu as part of his reasoning in that moment? Christ

While I (surprisingly) can't say anything particularly self-destructive happened in (Kiryu) Gaiden and Infinite Wealth, you could argue that Majima trying to more and more directly tell Kiryu not to leave ("No need to rush outta here yet... Alright?" -> "Don't leave! Don't you dare leave, Kiryu-chan!"), knowing that it's likely pointless, knowing Kiryu, is not doing himself any favors.

Pirate Yakuza -> *gestures at the entire game*

Also his reaction to encountering that giant squid ("Sure is a helluva way to die. I think I'm into it!"). Like, okay. I don't want to try and read too much into it because it was very likely just a one off line. But I'm still gonna side-eye it.

Honestly now that I think about it, if Majima Had died fighting that giant squid (that is such a way to begin a sentence thank you rgg), you could argue that that would've been his nail in the coffin for the white whale metaphor. If he had, it would've meant that his obsession for Kiryu is what got him dragged down into the literal depths of the ocean, and even if it wouldn't be Kiryu physically dragging Majima down like the white whale to Ahab, this is a situation that is completely, entirely, fueled by Majima's obsession towards him (Majima had no real interest in the nuclear waste cleanup project, after all, Kiryu was his one motivation this entire time), and it would've drowned him.

Guess that means he got real lucky with the last part, but we all know he sure as hell isn't beating the allegations.)

All this and yet Majima seems to fail to reaching Kiryu time and time again.

Majima does not obtain the Heart of the Dragon, found in the intestines of the literal whale. He does not obtain eternal life for Kiryu. And he (arguably, though the final scene of him walking to Kiryu's hospital room could oppose this) does not resolve the indefinite limbo that has been sitting between them throughout the entire series. What he gets at the end of the game is the acknowledgement (through Saejima, everybody thank him) that he has been obsessing over this, and perhaps the realization that Kiryu was, in fact, this white whale that he would never truly reach ("Well, still just a dream in the end.") Of course this is something he already knows/has acknowledged deep down, and it's a feeling that is hinted at in some of his dialogue in scattered moments, but this is the first time he ever says it in such an outright manner.

I guess in a way, you could say that Pirate Yakuza is a story about the newfound success of all the people Majima helped and supported in achieving their dreams, and the continued failure of Majima in pursuing his own (Kiryu), and him needing to acknowledge/accept that. And the post-credits begs the question of what he decides to do with the aftermath and what he has left. (An oversimplification definitely but still. augh. Augh)

Naming the final chapter White Whale was yet another crazy move on rgg's part. Its so unassuming, seemingly straightforward yet also seemingly insignificant, but once the realization dawns on you it slaps you right in the face, just like everything else about this game does. It's yet another instance of how rgg managed to pull its big reveal so well, with all the small details, all the reframing, all pointing back to the same topic that it had spent the entire rest of the game dancing around.

Majima recounting his story of how he went to Hawaii -> Majima recounts his story to Kiryu in the exact same way at the very end

The treasure everyone's been looking for/known about + Majima, the one guy who didn't have knowledge about any of this legend stuff prior? -> Wrong, he was after the treasure from the very start (before the amnesia at least). For Kiryu

Majima originally being on course for Hawaii so he could help with the nuclear waste cleanup even though he'd be bored as hell? -> Nah. For Kiryu (Ohhhhh you know what this is reminding me of some screenshots I took from near the beginning of the game)

(I'm sure this meant nothing of course. Lol. Lmao)

Majima's dream during pirate yakuza being to fulfill Other People's dreams -> Haha. Well, I think you get the point by now

Kiryu, Kiryu, Kiryu. It all goes back to Kiryu, every single time, without fail, in an obsessive loop that Majima has been dragging himself around over for Years. He is the white whale, seemingly untouchable, the constant object of Majima's attention and devotion in so many forms, his consistent weak point, that only seems to dig at him deeper as the games go on.

Like I said before, while the white whale metaphor is undeniable, and essentially spells doom for Majima, it's not over for him yet. Because, hey, he didn't drown at sea, or die on the beach. He was saved, and he's survived enough to retell that tale and reflect on it all with Saejima in the post-credits, brief as that reflection was. I mentioned before how he really only said one line of any actual substance during that specific part of the exchange, but the significance of it says so much.

"Well, still just a dream in the end"

As much as it hurts to here Majima address the hopelessness of it all, to hear him say something like that after Saejima basically just laid out his sheer devotion and refusal to give up on his dream for everyone to see, I think the bittersweetness is. Good, actually. Captain Ahab never gave up on that pursuit on the white whale, and it destroyed him; that whale dragged him down until he finally drowned, and it feels like all Majima has been doing over Kiryu since Yakuza 3 is drowning himself in him.

Don't get me wrong, I (for now at least) do not take that line as a complete admittance of defeat, or Majima finally giving up on Kiryu, on that dream he could never let go of. (Like I've been saying, it's an acknowledgement, not exactly a declaration.) I do not think it means he is just letting go, full-stop.

But I do hope it means he can stop himself from self-destructing completely. I hope it means that he can slow down with the wild chase, (and that he and Kiryu can just. Sit down and talk like fucking normal people. Which i guess they are doing in the post-credits, supposedly) and I hope it means that he won't drown completely, especially in the case of the worst possible scenario.

[boughclan-clangen]

🌍 and ✍️!

-Direclan

i'm gonna put some of this under a readmore because it got SO long hahaha

🌍 What are some of your irl inspirations for the lore/worldbuilding of your comic?

hmm! this is tough, i'm not sure if this includes media (but if it does i'm going to include it later because i'm in a rambly sort of mood, haha).

so as far as the kitty cats go, i definitely take a lot of inspiration from my own dreams. i am very bad at taking my medications at the correct time and i currently take one where the first withdrawal symptom that makes me definitely aware i forgot to take it is that i have really vivid, sometimes very scary dreams. i kind of seek to depict these vivid dreams, so i will likely be doing a lot of experimentation during future dream sequences to capture that feeling of dreamlike unreality.

i also have a small document that includes a list of common foliage in the alaska wilderness. i so far have not taken a whole lot of time to depict it in my art but the chugach mountain range has been a particular focus of mine when i do research about shrubbery and tree diversity. i was a dual ecology & math major in college, so if there's anythign i'm kind of determined to get at least sort of correct it's the environment. (that said, there are tidepools on the coast of this setting where reefclan hunts, so take it with a massive grain of salt. it's fantasy)

my partner's d&d campaign has also had a massive (and i really do mean massive) impact on just like. how i create and how i conceptualize characters, symbolism, colors, and the rest of the works. we've been playing a 1-20 campaign since 2017 and we're in the end-game right now--it's a world-spanning, time-spanning adventure and i am NOT the same person i was coming out as i was going in. half of that is other life stuff but the other half is just that it's made a very profound impact on me as a person, and i consistently seek to emulate the sheer depth of the world he has built, the decades of thought he put into it, the strength of even the most convoluted mechanics and stories. it's rock solid. i'm normal. i'm so normal I PROMISE.

and, as far as media goes, i've definitely taken a lot of inspiration from the lore and worldbuilding of the destiny duology. it's kind of hard to get a handle on the story, but once you do, it really opens up into this incredible saga and some of the worldbuilding is just, SO sick. the idea that you could use conway's game of life as the origin myth for a whole universe really gets me so good. i said this earlier but i have a degree in applied math and i NEVER looked at any numbers or proofs and thought "i could make an origin myth out of that" and it's just SOOOOO cool to me that someone did do that. also it's like sword and sorcery with guns. which rules.

there might be some visible star trek (tng/ds9 specifically), bloodborne, nier automata, pokemon, ffxiv, and hollow knight, but it might be a bit of a challenge to point to anything directly. i think it corresponds to what i've made playlists for, really, hahaha.

✍️ What inspired you to make your clangen comic/ other media?

i've been wanting to publish a comic for a really long time! i've always been hesitant to because i have a really hard time sticking with anything long-term--i tend to cycle between several activities, where i do one or two very intensely for a few weeks to a few months and then switch. not something i do consciously, it's just naturally how my interests tend to manifest. you can actually see my first attempt @/starclan-clangen, which............................. i plan to return to eventually but lost the file for hahaha.

but i never wanted to do a comic sort of half-interested that way--i always wanted to make something that was good, that i could be proud of. it wasn't until i saw other folks making clangen comics that it clicked for me that a comic doesn't have to be my magnum opus and that i can just have fun with it if i want to. folks like @/ranchclan, @/direclan (hehe, thats you), @/nimbusclan, @/cutieclan, @/fallenclan, @/splinterclan, @/sporeclan, @/juniperclan, and @/vaporclan helped me realize i could just... do it, that i didn't have to wait until my art or my writing were more honed in order to like. make something i liked and have fun with it. there are SO many more that i haven't listed here that i love very dearly. the clangen community in general has been such a wonderful galvanizing force for me.

other inspirations that aren't clangen-related include my friend earthtonequeen on comicfury, who does more short story comic work. they've been making comics for a long time and their work is such a huge inspiration to me--i love the stories they tell.

@/jumalanpelko, WOW. the style is so gorgeous, their color work is absolutely phenomenal, and i love love love the worldbuilding.

@/whatlurksbean, what lurks beneath was HUGE for me in the past year or so. i found them after there were already like 500 pages and binged the entire comic. they write characters with such skill, it's incredible to see a story where there's such nuance to each player.

@/thewhalesheart is such a beautiful comic. i love the way they draw lambpaw, it's influenced how i differentiate characters!

@/milosfromhome is a HUGE inspiration to me. this is one of the comics that helped me really decide that comics were what i really actually wanted from my art, and helped me realize that seeing someone's improvement throughout a comic is actually really sick, so i just gotta hit the ground running. huge, huge inspiration for sure hahaha.

the comic "i didn't know" on comicfury has also been a recent but huge inspiration, it addresses real-life issues in a very nuanced way with kitty cats and i'm a huge fan.

@/caemidraws has been an inspiration to me as an artist in general and recently she's started her own comic so i recommend checking her out too! her compositions and general symbology are SO cool.

if i think of further inspirations i may come back and add them but off the top of my head, those are the ones i've been checking back with regularly recently! thank you so much for the ask, i love your work! <3

[arscorpii]

About your poison essay, that scene really intrigued me because along with the bodyswap episode and wakaba flourishing episode, this is one of the only times (that i can remember) that the outside world is depicted outside of things like flashbacks. The streets have a rather “cyberpunk” kinda vibe to them, which contrasts with the rest of the show’s fancy fantasy-inspired aesthetics (barring the back half of the movie).

thank you for sharing your ideas. you have good points!! i agree with you!! your ask also got me thinking about this. throughout the series, several characters were shown to have been able to leave ohtori on their own terms. however, each time, these characters returned to ohtori once again. we saw nanami, shiori, wakaba, tokiko, ruka, and utena leave ohtori, often in relation to other characters, and return due to those specific characters, too. nanami left ohtori grounds a few times due to touga, but in her final attempt at leaving ohtori for good via transfer, she was stopped by touga. shiori left ohtori for unclear reasons, but it's plausible to consider it's due to the complications with herself, juri, and the guy from the past. her return could also possibly be related to juri. wakaba was shown to leave ohtori and go into town twice, and both times were in relation to saionji. tokiko left ohtori after mikage burnt down the research efforts she relied on in hopes of curing mamiya, her ill younger brother. mamiya died and was buried in ohtori. she returned to visit his grave and subsequently, akio. ruka was the only person to have stayed out of ohtori due to illness and not because of anyone in particular. but his return could be due to either being called back by end of the world or due to juri. utena left ohtori several times with akio. anthy never really left ohtori grounds, at least not as herself, as she was at kaoru twins' father's house as the rose bride. it's arguable if that's actually her or if it's a projection of some kind from miki's side. the suicide attempt took place at a location within ohtori, but as you pointed out, we got a look at the outside world beyond ohtori. i think, from my perception and reading, ohtori can be regarded as the general paradigm of a sunlit garden, inside which the people are bound to it by their specifically curated sunlit gardens. it's all-encompassing, a mirror that reflected and amplified the projected sunlit gardens of the beholders; it could be an egg or a coffin, depending on the character itself. connecting this point to the visual themes ascribed to the characters by the narrative in the context of venturing to the outside world beyond ohtori, i think it may allude to the possibility that nanami, wakaba, utena, and anthy had the most viable capability to leave ohtori, that ohotori was an eggshell that they can break out of. we saw that the outside world can be wide and colourful, unrestrained, when these particular characters were narratively placed in it, despite their respective adversities at those moments. this suggestion is supported by the fact that in the movie, utena and anthy managed to escape ohtori, nanami was a cow and thus, was never in ohtori in the first place, and wabaka was the mobile that carried the student council members to eventually escape ohtori. shiori became the vermin-esque mobile, but her focus was on on-upping anthy and utena, she can also turn into a car like utena, and she must be the first to leave ohtori. in any case, shiori struggled to leave ohtori, most likely due to her relationship with juri. but juri was planning on leaving and seemed determined to do so in the movie. looking back to the series, in episode 37, juri, nanami, and miki seemed to have been able to take a step toward moving forward from their own sunlit gardens; and in episode 39, they seemed to have achieved their own revolutions. shiori was in the background for both episodes; she may need a longer time to leave ohtori. ruka died in the series and wasn't present in the movie. safe to say ohtori became his coffin. tokiko was able to move away from ohtori, but she was somewhat bound to it by akio. finally, both utena and anthy were able to leave ohtori both in the series and in the movie :)

[capricioussun]

Just wanna say?! Though I never check consistently I am Always thinking about UF Papyrus Monday. I think 'man, is it Monday yet? I wanna see my guy...' and then get so busy with work come monday!!! So :) thank you for everything ig

Aaa that's so sweet of you to say!!! And also so real, he is Always on my mind as well ✌️😔

^ I'm showing him all the nice comments and things ppl have said about him, he is surprised and a little overwhelmed!

Special shout out in particular to @/fluo-skeletons for starting it all by wishing a happy uf papyrus monday randomly in that one server, if it weren't for that I would probably...well, I'd still draw uf papyrus too much but there wouldn't be an established schedule that we can celebrate together <3

[canisalbus]

I'm sure you get this a lot but because my cousin and I love that one Danny Trejo action comedy, I always have to snap my brain into the right position when I read Machete's name. Maybe I should draw them both chilling

.