#and if you’re wondering yes ideally it would be fun to complete wanted trio… but I’m honestly not sure I have the skill to do techno…

[bleue-flora]

"He has friends, Tommy. I'm right here. I'm his friend... What are you gonna say about that? You think I'm not his friend?" — Punz —

Thought it was only fair that I do c!Punz after doing c!Dream, so here he is, ready to fight anyone who messes with his friend. And yes, just like with c!Dream all of his Minecraft skin elements and colors are apart of the design in one way or another.

[script-nef]

An actual break | Gojou Satoru

Category: fluff

2.6k words; Beach date [4/6]

← Previous chapter | Masterlist

You haven’t been to the beach in months. So a car trip for hours, where you can blank out and peer out of the window to enjoy the wonderful and ever-changing scenery is amazing. Dipping your feet in the water or eating from food vendors or enjoying the warm summer sun on your skin. Perhaps getting a tan if the weather is perfect. This would all be perfectly enjoyable and possible.

If it wasn’t for work.

“[Surname]-san, why are you coming with us? You said you can’t fight.” Itadori calls from the backseat, nestled not-so-comfortably between Fushiguro and Kugisaki. 

Wouldn’t it be better if Kugisaki is in the middle since she’s the smallest and the skinniest? The thought drifts into your head but you soon understand why. As soon as the words leave his mouth it’s met with a firm and resounding slap on the arm. Itadori’s yelp of pain is silenced under her hiss of “God, you’re so tactless! Now move over, it’s getting cramped with all of the bags.” Ah, she didn’t want to sit in the middle. And what bags? I didn’t bring any.

They keep their banter up and a quick glance to both Gojou and Fushiguro indicates that they have no intention of stopping it. Gojou is actually humming through the bickering. Why do I have to be the adult? He’s like, 5 years older than me. That’s literally what he said as the reason to drive instead of you. 

“It’s fine, Kugisaki-san. I’m coming along because there’s been a lot of cursed spirit activity around here and I need to see if something abnormal is happening. I’m not going to get in the way of the fight so you don’t need to worry.” You send Itadori a smile through the back mirror which he responds with a quick nod, then a confused look.

“Isn’t that Gojou-sensei’s responsibilities?” The mentioned adult laughs and smoothly makes a right turn. You want to slap him.

“Normally, yes, but he insists on being insufferable.” You turn to face them, leaning onto the seat with a scowl. “The report he made was nearly illegible and last time something like this happened, and I had to sit down with him for 3 hours to complete it. Even then, he was going off topic half the time and trying to distract me. Itadori-kun, Kugisaki-san, listen to me. If he doesn’t do his work, you have to practically force him.”

“Doesn’t work.” Fushiguro comments while looking out the window. Gojou has the audacity to laugh again.

“We had a great time! You were laughing your head off by the time we were done.” A light tug on your shirt makes you sit back properly. The scowl stays in place.

“I missed dinner! And I missed the last episode of Haikyuu thanks to that!”

“Fine, fine. I’ll take it up by buying you dinner, okay?” He must be kidding if that makes up for missing your favourite anime. Kuroo came and went thanks to him. The car comes to an abrupt stop just as you’re about to complain again. “We have arrived!”

Salt wafts in the air as the sea twinkles underneath the afternoon sun. It’s hot today, and humid enough to make your clothes stick to your skin, which is gross. Sunny and warm means a swim will be ideal, but you have to take care of the whole recurring curses thing first. Previous reports have said that they were all mid-level, so hopefully Gojou’s students won’t have that much of a problem taking care of them. That also means they, including you as well, might have the opportunity to relax for the rest of the day. 

The actual spot is somewhere in the nearby forest, filled thick with trees and so large that even if someone went missing it would take ages to search. An ideal hunting place since a lot of people visit there. Numbers dropped quite a bit after the fifth person “went missing”. 

The first task is to cover the place with a curtain. Since the place is so large and not encompassing the entire place was deemed too risky, large amounts of cursed energy is required. Hence Gojou’s efforts right now.

“[Name]-san.” Kugisaki calls you. “Are you coming in with us?” Her voice is tentative, like she doesn’t want to offend you. It’s kind of funny because she shows more respect for you than her actual teacher for some reason. Gojou complained about it before. She doesn’t know the extent, or more accurately the lack of, your powers and has a right to be worried. All she knows is that you can’t fight. 

“Ah, I am coming in, but I’ll stay far away from the fight. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“And I’ll be right by her side!” Gojou snaps into thin air, linking his arm with yours.  “Your personal bodyguard! But I’m sure you guys can handle this one.” Still humming a tune, he sends them along their way with a reassuring smile. You smile at Kugisaki and wish her good luck. Shooting Gojou a suspicious glare, she runs ahead to the two boys and starts whispering. They look back at the two of you and get into what seems to be an argument. A bad thing to do right before a possibly life-threatening mission.

You watch the group disappear deeper into the woods, fear gripping at your heart. This is actually the first time in the field after years of being tucked away in an office. Ken-chan specifically requested it due to your unique cursed energy situation. Apparently that was the first time he asked for a favour to the principle and he never asked for anything again. They can handle themselves, you’re sure, but Itadori already had a close call.

“Worried?” Gojou, on the other hand, sounds like he has no concerns in the world. Maybe that’s a testament to how much he trusts his students. It doesn’t alleviate your agitation. “It’s fine, we can just take a break here and if trouble comes, they can take care of it themselves.” You stare at him incredulously. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! I’ll step in if something goes wrong. You’re all in safe hands.”

There is no one better than him in terms of fighting with cursed energy. How on earth someone like this gets imbued with endless power, you’ll never know. Sighing, you take a seat on a fallen log. The moss on them tickles your fingers. It feels nice, something to distract you from your brain being its usual bastard and thinking the worst case scenario. Gojou plops himself down right next to you. 

“We can go see them if you’re that worried, mother hen.” Nudging his leg shuts him up. Closing your eyes, you concentrate on reaching out for their cursed energy. Eight signals flicker from where they went, three blazing stronger than the others. One of them is nearly blinding. Sukuna is on a completely different level. If there’s that much of a difference in energy, they’ll finish soon and come back to have fun for the rest of the day. God knows they need it.

Your eyes flit open and come face to face with Gojou’s blindfold. It causes you to fall backwards and you brace for impact with a little yelp. But Gojou’s arm surrounds your abdomen, lifting you into the air and onto your feet. Heartbeats thud in your ears thanks to the sudden adrenaline boost.

“Did I scare you?” His laugh is cheeky. “I’m bored… Wanna play 20 questions?” As usual, his train of thought is impossible to even attempt to follow. A window of hundreds of tabs wrestling to be the first all the time is probably what the inside of his mind looks like.

“Sure, why not.”

Fushiguro, Itadori and Kugisaki all perk up when they receive the news of a day off to enjoy the beach. Since it’s closed off to the civilians, it’ll be like a private party. Something to keep their mind off of another mission that’s bound to come soon.

While they run off to the beach, you go to talk to the park rangers for the paperwork. Gojou asks if you want company but someone needs to supervise the children. The process takes barely 10 minutes anyway.

When you come back to the beach, the trio is screaming in the sea while trying to fight each other. Even Fushiguro is laughing. Childlike innocence is beautiful and long overdue. Two huge parasols and towels are laid out nearby where they’re playing. Gojou is out of his usual attire and in a swimming trunk. His blindfold is still on. Is this what was in the bags?

Now that you look more closely at the students, they’re all in swimwear as well. Looks like you’re the only one that didn’t get a memo. 

“Heya! Done?”  

“No thanks to you, Mr The-Whole-Reason-I’m-Here-In-The-First-Place.” He laughs at the nickname. 

“You should change.”

“I didn’t bring a swimsuit. Nobody told me and I was just thinking of dipping my feet.”

“Nobara brought you one. It’s in the bag labelled ‘If you look inside I’m going to kill you.’” Laughter comes out at the absurdity.

“Why did Kugisaki—”

“Because she wants you to relax. Now come on! Let’s have fun!” he pushes you excitedly towards the car. It’s really weird how someone your senior has more energy than you and his three students combined. Sighing, you trek back and find the bag. It really is labelled that, in caps. Kugisaki is a good kid. 

There’s a bathroom nearby for you to change in. The wind is still pretty strong when you walk out but you’re saved thanks to the school jacket. There’s also a pair of flip-flops. Ken-chan must have helped since they all fit perfectly. 

Itadori is being half-drowned when you come back. Fushiguro and Kugisaki are merciless when it comes to fighting. Gojou smiles as you walk into his line of sight. Scooting over to let you into the shade, he lies back onto the towel and stretches his legs out into the sun with a slight groan. You stay sitting up, watching the three children absentmindedly. 

Sunlight tickles your feet. The sea breeze stops it from being too hot but it’s slowly getting stuffier under the jacket. Quickly discarding it, Gojou catches your eyes while you fold it up.

It’s impossible to tell if he’s awake or sleeping thanks to his signature blindfold, but this is the most relaxed you’ve seen him in years; hands folded behind his head and muscles completely loose. Small scars dot his body, probably gained from fights which he deemed insignificant enough to bother Shouko with or heal himself. In a way, it’s a reminder for all the battles he’s survived. Pretty easily too, you’re guessing. There’s a deep one on his stomach and your hand moves towards it for some reason.

Long fingers intercept your hand just before it touches the scratched skin, entwining themselves to you. One end of Gojou’s lips quirks up. 

“I’m going to be embarrassed if you keep looking at my body, you know.” You immediately attempt to rip your hand back but he’s got you locked tight. He’s not even using Infinity. Heat threatens to explode your face because he’s been awake all this time and you’re going to die from shame. “If you wanted to touch me then you could have just asked.” Your fingers graze against the skin on his stomach for a split second but he loosens his grip and you will be damned if you don’t take that chance. 

Gojou cackles, enjoying your flustered state, and he’s halfway to suffocation because he’s laughing too much. His instincts still allow him to move out of the way for your punch. Doesn’t stop him from laughing though. Even his students, who were screaming and playing like they didn’t have a care in the world, are looking at the two of you. God, where’s a hole for me to die in right now?

Eventually, his laughter dies off. He’s still chuckling though. His teeth glint in the light as he gives you a wide smile. A sense of foreboding washes over you. 

“Up we go!”

“What?” Two arms hook under your knees and back, lifting you effortlessly into the air. Your body bounces in his arms every time he takes a step closer to the sea.

“Wait Gojou, wait wait wait wait!” 

“Gojou-sensei wai—” 

The water is freezing. 

“Gojou Satoru, I’m going to kill you!”

“That’s admirable! I’m sure you can do it!” Fushiguro snickers as you swipe an arm at Gojou, who moves away effortlessly again. Hair is plastered to your face and this rage is not going to subside unless you rip the blindfold off his smirking face and dunk his head into the water. But he keeps dodging you, just barely, as if to taunt you further.

Exhaustion sets in quickly since moving around in water is a lot harder and anger eats away at your stamina. Just as you’re about to give up, Gojou’s face is slapped with a wave of water. Everyone looks to Kugisaki. She has the biggest smile you’ve ever seen.

“Pfft.” Fushiguro’s laughter breaks the silence. Itadori snickers at Gojou’s drooping hair. Soon everyone’s laughing. Then Gojou whips water that hits all three of them straight in the chest with a resounding smack. They immediately retaliate with a wave that you get caught up in. 

It somehow turns into a students vs adults fight. Delighted laughter echoes in the air as everyone yells and shrieks when assaulted with icy water. There’s an unspoken rule to not use cursed energy, which is why your side is being pushed back. There’s no beating three excited kids when they’re on a holiday high. 

Backtracking a bit to get away from the constant surges of water, you don’t realise you’re going deeper and deeper into the sea. A rock shifts underneath your feet and you’re plunged into the cold grips of the sea, not even given enough time to call for help. Panic overtakes your senses as you squeeze your eyes shut, hands scrambling for something to hold onto. 

“[Name]!” Warmth engulfs you as Gojou lifts you out of the murky depth, worry and dread weaved into his voice. You blink rapidly as he gently brushes the hair off your face, and you see his eyes without the blindfolds for the first time. “Look at me, are you alright?”

They’re… indescribably beautiful. It’s the purest and translucent blue you’ve seen in your life, able to beat the colour of the ocean or the sky on its clearest days. It could compete with even the most exquisite sapphire locked up in a vault underground. And they’re clouded with concern and fear because of you.

“[Surname]-san!” Bringing yourself up by hugging Gojou’s neck, you see the trio wading through the water to you, dread clear on their faces. Itadori reaches you and rapidly asks if you’re fine and that he can’t possibly describe how sorry he is. It looks like he’ll dig his head into the ocean floor if you ask him to do it. Like he’s waiting for you to reprimand him.

But all that comes out is laughter, bright and childlike. They all look at you like you’re crazy. You have no idea why you’re laughing either. Maybe you’ve finally gone insane.

But being in Gojou’s arms, seeing his and Itadori’s face relax, brings you so much happiness. Tightening your arms around Gojou’s neck, you rest your head on top of his as he calms them down. 

Maybe it’s the adrenaline from nearly drowning, maybe it’s something else, but your heart thumps rapidly into your ribcage, probably loud enough for him to feel.

Next chapter →

[irondadgroupie]

Tony introduced to Disney

Tony does not watch Disney movies, he just didn’t do it. Of course he saw some of them in his childhood but anything released after 1980 he knows nothing of, nothing more than the name and what magazine articles told. Once Peter made a Lion King reference but Tony was totally lost “Hakuna Ma-what now?”

Peter was so shocked his jaw nearly hit the ground.

“You don’t know the Lion King?”

“I know of it, just never seen it.”

“YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THE LION KING?!?”

So for their frequently unfrequent movie night, Peter brings his childhood DVDs.

“What do you want to start with? Shall we begin with the best” He points to The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast ,”history,” Pocahontas ,” comedy,” Emperor’s New Groove ,”feminism,” Mulan ,” or literature?” Hunchback of Notre Dame.

“What?” Tony sat up straighter and grabbed the case. “When was this made?”

“Um.. like in mid 90s.”

“How the hell did I miss that?”

“You know the story?”

“Had to read it in boarding school,” The man answered while reading the synopsis. “This story is- really fucking dark and gritty. I have no idea how to make a children’s movie out of it.”

“It’s gorgeous,” Peter nodded while putting on the DVD and settling back on the couch with the remoter. “But yeah, bit of a flop.”

The movie started.

“I like the music,” Tony nodded along with the first song. Peter munched on the popcorn. “So, do you want a commentary-”

“On what is different from the book?” Peter shrugged. “Why not, just don’t be a bitch.”

Song continued.

“Frollo was not a judge,” The man pointed out. “He was an archdeacon.”

“Wow, you have excellent memory.”

“Talking to a genius here, kid,” Tony took a gummy worm.

Quasimodo appeared.

“He is- well- alright, I guess that would be grotesque but adorable.”

“That is a compliment coming from you.”

“But he was deaf in the book so-”

“But it’s a children’s movie, they can’t make their main character deaf.”

“Why are not sjw’s demanding this movie be remade so deaf don’t feel left out.”

“Don’t tempt them.”

Frollo appeared and Peter watched Tony for any sign of discomfort. The man looked at him.

“What?”

“It’s just- I know you had a shitty father-bond so-”

“You think this might harm me? No, Pete, I promise, my father was never that bad. It was mainly emotional absence.”

Out there- song.

Tony’s eyes were wide as he looked at the scenery: “Just, wow...”

“I know, I love this song,” Peter grinned and lifted one leg to the couch so his thigh rested against his chest.

“The budget for this must have been insane.”

“So you don’t hate this?” The boy looked at his mentor.

“A-a-ah,” Tony pointed at him. “Not too soon, we have- what, an hour left.”

Esmeralda appeared.

“Wow,” Tony breathed out. “Is it weird to be aroused by a cartoon character?”

“Hey, what do you think anime is for?”

The movie continued.

“So, any major differences?”

“Yeah, Phoebus was a jerk in the book and Esmeralda was much younger. She was looking for her mother.”

“Creative differences, you mean.”

“Exactly.”

The movie continued onto the Feast of Fools.

“It’s a bit jarring this tone change, though,” Tony rubbed his neck. “Like, what is this movie supposed to be?”

“And hey,” He pointed at the screen. “That clown- he is the narrator?”

“He is a jack of all trades.”

Esmeralda’s dance begun and Tony’s eyes nearly bulged out of his skull.

“Holy shit,” He whispered. “That dress- just-”

“She is hot,” Peter admitted. “My first childhood crush.”

“Watched this movie a lot, huh?”

“One of my favorites, I know the script by heart.”

“That’s- that’s pole dancing! She is basically a stripper- no, I cross it, this is like 16th century, she is a prostitute!”

Quasimodo was punished and the tone changed again.

“Oh yeah, so clearly a children’s movie.”

During Esmeralda’s escape from the guards, Tony kept face palming.

“Just basic running away would have sufficed- did the director demand to have all these ridiculous tricks?”

Esmeralda in the church and Frollo finds them.

“At least Phoebus isn’t a complete dumbass in this one.”

“Yeah, he’s a cool guy.”

Frollo grabbed Esmeralda and sniffed her hair.

“What the fuck?” Tony mouthed silently and Peter burst into laughter. 

Esmeralda’s song Tony rated pretty and passable. Her interaction with Quasimodo heartfelt and touching.

“Nice that they have scenes together, builds a bond. In the books, Quasi was a bit- well, he was deaf so interaction was limited.”

Peter grabbed a handful of chips, pleased that his mentor was enjoying himself.

“But yeah, maybe the morals are a bit to your face.”

“Hey, it’s Disney. Ever seen Frozen, that one was a mess?”

“Nope, but I still have heard Let it Go.”

“Oh you poor thing.”

Tony glared at him. 

Then came Hellfire and Tony had to rub his eyes to be certain they were not lying. 

“What the hell am I watching?!”

“One of best Disney villains,” Peter felt the urge to sing with.

“How the hell is this okay in a kid’s film?”

“You know, it’s Disney.”

“Yes, but still. This lusting for a woman, racial prejudice, how can you explain this to kids?”

“They grow up to it. By the way, was Frollo in love with Esmeralda-”

“Yes, he was but it was not this pronounced.”

Then Paris began to burn-

“About gargoyles,” Tony took a bit of the chocolate Peter was offering him. “Like, I get it, you need humor in a movie that is this dark and stuff but- so much of it. And it is mostly slapstick and what is this- what the hell is going on- they get a song?”

“What?” Peter whined. “It’s a good song!”

“Look, I admit, all the songs have been good, the music is amazing, I am definitely finding this on Spotify but still, this script needed work. Remove the gargoyles, or make them less annoying.”

The song ended and Tony saw the gargoyles were once again plain stone.

“Wait?” The man straightened up. “What is this? What? They are stone again? So, others can’t see them?”

“Umm,” Peter thought. “Yeah, only Quasi talks to them.”

“So,” Tony thought ,”in a way- wow, they could be a fragment of his imagination. Like, isolation does make a person lose their sense of reality.”

“Good theory but no,” Peter shook his head. “They take part in the last battle.”

“Huh, spoilers much,” Tony laughed and poked the boy’s shoulder. 

Esmeralda comes to the cathedral to hide Phoebus and they kiss.

“What a bitch,” Peter shook his head.

“She never led him on.”

“She kissed him on the cheek.”

“Yeah, Quasi took it wrong but it was not her fault.”

“What a horrible lessons for children, if you are ugly you won’t get the girl.”

Quasimodo and Phoebus went to the Court of Miracles.

“There is that clown again!”

“Clopin,” Peter corrected Tony.

“Whatever the hell- just what is his deal. Is he like the God of this story? How does he know about Quasi being in the bell tower?”

Peter shrugged.

“Oh, that is just nice, almost killing our heroes.”

“Well, they were a threat, you do anything for a family.”

Frollo arrived to the hideout and lied about Quasi telling them the truth. Esmeralda doesn’t believe.

“Thank God!” Tony breathed out. “That plot line has been so overused. Like fucking learn to communicate! Don’t jump to conclusions!”

“You’re one to talk,” Peter taunted his mentor.

“Don’t you start now-”

Esmeralda was about to be burned on the stake.

“Okay, in the book it was hanging but yeah, this is more dramatic.”

“Plus doesn’t hanging pretty much kill the person instantly.”

“Not always,” Tony shook his head as the choir began to sing and Quasimodo broke the chains. “Ideally it breaks the neck and yeah, instant death, but done wrong, you choke to death and that can take minutes. But by God, this scene is gorgeous!”

“Seconded.”

Quasimodo cries over Esmeralda’s body.

“Check her pulse,” Tony muttered and Peter snickered. “Come on, check her pulse, check her pulse-”

“Stop!”

“It’s not my fault these people are idiots! They knew back then what heart is!”

“You actually think Frollo taught him anything?”

“He - wait, can Quasi write? Or read?”

“Here comes Frollo!”

The last battle happens.

“Well, he is at least an effective villain. Menacing, cruel, manipulative- I wonder how Quasimodo isn’t more fucked up.”

“The same can be said about Harry Potter.”

“I have only seen four movies and think the boy should be getting intensive therapy.”

“Order of the Phoenix after this one?”

“You got it, bud,” They did a fist bump.

The movie ended and Tony smiled softly as Quasimodo was finally accepted as a human being.

“I really liked the dynamic between the trio. It was a good addition to have Phoebus save Quasi-”

“I know! There was no competition between the two!”

“Now, in the book-”

“Okay,” Peter curled up against Tony, awaiting a story. “Tell me how it really ended.”

“Well,” Tony started. “The details are of course a bit vague but yeah, Esmeralda was hanged, she died and was buried, Quasi killed Frollo and then curled up with Esmeralda’s body and died of starvation. Eventually the grave was robbed and their bones turned to dust.”

Peter stared at the distance for a long time. Tony was afraid he had broken the boy. He waved a hand in front of his eyes.

“Earth to Petey.”

“What?” The boy blinked out of his trance. 

“A big shock, huh?” Tony grinned and Peter shrugged.

“So, did you like it?”

Tony did not think for a moment: “Yes, it was much better than I expected.”

“Really?” Peter raised an eyebrow, voice laced with skepticism. “Because the commentary was quite harsh in places.”

“Oh please, you make fun of Harry Potter yet love those movies.”

Peter chuckled: “True. So, bathroom break and then we start with the new movie?”

“Took words out of my mouth.”

[wayneooverton]

That one time I crashed a scooter in Bali

A week ago I found myself upside down in a ditch full of wet cement in Canggu, Bali.

In that moment, only one thought crossed my mind: why me? Why is it always me?

A veritable magnet for disasters, especially while traveling, for some unknown reason misadventure and misfortune often follow me on my travels and remains a constant presence in my life, like a problem zit or an annoying cousin.

Sigh, where do I even begin?

I know, watch this video below. Like right now. Let’s start there.

  View this post on Instagram

  Scootering in Bali is easy, they said…😳 (wait for it) @georgiarickard @laurenepbath

A post shared by Liz Carlson☀️Young Adventuress (@youngadventuress) on Feb 24, 2019 at 5:08pm PST

A little over a week ago I flew to Bali with my business partners, Lauren Bath and Georgia Rickard, from the Travel Bootcamp for a week of work, smoothie bowls and deeply uncomfortable humidity.

Being based in Australia (them) and New Zealand (me), Bali is a fabulous and super affordable place for us to meet and work; I constantly am asking myself what the hell am I doing living in Wanaka paying $5 for avocados when I could be living on the beach in Bali for a quarter of the price drinking 20 cent coconuts.

But I digress.

We stayed in a rather ridiculous fancy villa in Canggu (aka the town that Instagram built) which was not much more than rice paddies next to a surf beach on my last visit to Bali. Now it’s a thriving hub of millennial cafes, trendy co-working spaces, and lots and lots of people on scooters.

I didn’t want to like it but I loved it.

It’s like Canggu grew into a place for people like me, a hub for solo digital nomads looking for a place with a cool vibe to just hang out, work, create and relax.

Luxury 3 bedroom villa in Canggu in Airbnb – use this link for $50 of credit

  The first day I woke up and walked 15 minutes to town to a cafe for brekkie and a coffee, and by the time I arrived, I was pouring with sweat and so uncomfortable. Since it’s the monsoon season now, the humidity is less than ideal.

And it seemed to me like I was the only one walking, in my mind EVERYONE in Canggu was on a scooter or motorbike. Heaps of blond young backpackers, locals, even entire families were piled on this scooters whizzing around town. Even the dogs ride on the motorbikes.

Fuck walking and fuck this heat, I was gonna get a scooter. If they all could do it, so could I. How hard could it be?

Famous. Last. Words.

In an absolutely incredibly fit of irony, I had also just renewed my annual travel insurance policy with Southern Cross Travel Insurance (SCTI) here in New Zealand, and I was about to embark on a project sharing my work with them online and social media, mostly about traveling safely as a solo female traveler.

Being a magnet for destruction ever since my camel days in Jordan, for me it’s not a question of if but when next something will go wrong, and I learned early on in my travel career that travel insurance is worth it, even when I was broke. Also now that I do more adventurous trips to places like Kyrgyzstan or Antarctica, it’s often mandatory, so for the past few years I just buy annual insurance policies that cover me around the world.

AND YOU SHALL SEE WHY SHORTLY.

After sweatily walking my way back to the villa on a massive caffeine high and convinced that I was going to be the most amazing scooter driver in Canggu, I immediately perused heaps of travel blogs and guides for advice on scooter hires in Bali, and Georgia organized one for us asap.

You’re looking to pay between $2-$4 per day for a scooter hire in Bali, unless you’re completely swindled like we were and you’ll pay over $5 per day (still a total bargain). It was definitely recommended in all the blogs I read to wear long pants, closed-toed shoes and to get some practice, have an international driver’s license and insurance. And of course wear a helmet. Easy.

This might be my funniest story of all time

We got this. We are strong independent women with heaps of travel experience in places like Bali and very confident in our abilities to succeed at anything we put our minds to, i.e. not walking anywhere in Canggu.

But here is where I make the same travel mistake I find myself repeating again and again throughout my life. I read, prepare and acknowledge what I need to do. And then I do the complete opposite.

Why, Liz, WHY?! You should know better by now! Also, Liz, you do not have a good track record about not falling off of things, like bikes, horses and camels. You are not going to be naturally good at riding a scooter in a land of chaotic driving. But do I listen to that voice in the back of my head? Nope.

As Georgia and I announced that we were off picking up our scooters, Lauren, being the ever responsible one of our trio, looked at us, said something to the effect of we are total idiots and stayed in the villa. Her loss!

As I walked to pick up our scooters in cool confidence, wearing sandals and my short onesie (I’m sorry but it’s too hot to wear pants in Bali), I think the only thing I did right was have insurance, license and wear a helmet.

Getting Naked in Istanbul

All my plans of getting a lesson in a parking lot went out the window when were faced with a very casual “here you go, take it or leave it” attitude at the literal back alley scooter rental place. It wasn’t even a shop, it was a guy with a sign and a few scooters in an alley. Oh well, it’s Bali, just go with it!

Liz, don’t! Use your brain! You are 30! You know better than this.

Georgia and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, popped on our helmets and hopped on our new rides. Very slowly (with everyone watching and commenting) we slowly made the short journey back to our villa, where I only almost crashed once making a right turn – they drive on the left in Bali.

Well, it’s suggested to drive on the left. The reality (from my experience) is you do whatever the fuck you want.

Driving in Bali is different. It’s organized chaos.

Everyone drives batshit crazy and it sort of all works, until it doesn’t work. For for someone who confuses the gas with the brakes with alarming regularity, I really should have had a lesson before entering the Hunger Games: SE Asia Edition.

You beep the horn all the time to let people know you’re there; you beep when you’re passing and when you’re pulling out onto a main road. And you especially beep when you’re heckling Lauren Bath for refusing to ride on the scooters with us as we speed past her on the way home. Beep. Beep. Beeeeep.

I would describe the obstacles as something out of Mario Kart. The roads go where they want, often with scary ditches next to them (I now have a completely rational terror of ditches, having ended up in one), deep rice paddies that can easily consume a scooter (and regularly do – just Google the Canggu Shortcut), chickens, three-legged dogs, humans, monkey gangs, other scooters, other dumb tourists on scooters, trucks, rubbish, you name it, it’s everywhere.

Pay attention, beep beep!

Phew we made it home in one piece! A few hours later we headed out again, and this time is where I totally screwed it up.

Even though I talked myself through the whole process again, I managed to make the classic tourist mistake of trying to brake and accidentally yanking the gas and then slamming on the brakes, catapulting myself over the handlebars headfirst into a ditch. At least I assume that’s what happened. Luckily there were no witnesses, and I can’t really remember – yikes!

My thoughts after the initial “why me” and “am I dead?” were OMFG I’m in an open sewer. I’m in poop! I crashed into poop! WHY ME GOD WHY ME?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?

A quick sniff confirmed that it was not in fact in open sewer, rather it was thick mud-like cement. I tried to move, and couldn’t. OMG I’m paralyzed. Oh wait, I’m just quite literally stuck in the cement.

“Georgia, help!!!!” I hollered, wiggling trying to lift my cement-laden helmet head, before I just started to laugh. I was completely glued to the cement.

Hearing my giggles, I hear Georgia calling to me as she walked back to my empty scooter. Where is Liz?

All of a sudden I see her peering over the side of the ditch looking at me and videoing the whole thing on her phone laughing hysterically! With my legs in the air, my undies on full display and my head stuck in cement, I can only just imagine what a sight I was to behold.

Screaming at her that this video will never see the light of day, I start yelling for Lauren, who eventually comes out with a towel and they manage to drag me out, lovingly I might add.

I knew I would never, ever live this down.

Faced with the inevitable shame that there was no way this incident was going to stay secret, I chose to embrace my misfortune and share it with the world.

Eventually I came to my senses, and while the video does not demonstrate any of my grace and courage (which I know I have deep down) I couldn’t help but share it. Once I got over the shock of it all, it’s actually really hilarious. I can’t stop watching it, it makes me laugh so much.

And yes I know, I know how lucky I am. You don’t have to tell me twice. I’ve heard enough scooter horror stories and seen enough tourists with leg bandages in SE Asia to know I was a complete idiot and it could have been so much worse. I was really lucky to escape with just a few scrapes, bruises, and one ruined top.

In the words of Georgia, I’ve never been more “on brand,” LOL.

However, once I showered and changed, I got back on the scooter and practiced until I was a lot better. Not sure what that says about me, but I knew if I didn’t try again straight away, I’d never go near a scooter again, and let me tell you, driving scooters is super fun! I wonder how hard I hit my head? Nevermind.

Braaaaap!

Make of this story what you will , and let my video be a warning to you. Scooter driving is fun but dangerous. Don’t be like me and think you can just teach yourself. Always wear a helmet, and for god’s sake buy travel insurance that covers things like scooters.

What about you? Have you driven a scooter in SE Asia? Would you? Any stories to share?

And one more time for good measure:

  View this post on Instagram

  Scootering in Bali is easy, they said…😳 (wait for it) @georgiarickard @laurenepbath

A post shared by Liz Carlson☀️Young Adventuress (@youngadventuress) on Feb 24, 2019 at 5:08pm PST

Images by Lauren Bath, videos by Georgia Rickard

The post That one time I crashed a scooter in Bali appeared first on Young Adventuress.

from Young Adventuress https://ift.tt/2GYyvVB

[konan-supernova]

AfterLife Incorporated - Chapter Five

Masterpost | Ao3

Words: 2260

@secretsanders​ @xx-this-is-a-mess-xx​

CW: Swearing, let me know if I need to add something!

Logan hummed softly, staring up towards the ceiling. He could not see the smooth surface above him, but he knew it was there. Behind his voice, deeper and lower and barely audible, there was another humming sound. It had been warbling away for the majority of the night, though Logan had only noticed it when he woke up around 4:00 AM.

“Not ideal,” he could imagine his mom’s voice now. “But better to get a little sleep than none at all, yes?”

“Yes, ammi,” he would say. She might rustle his hair then, or wrap him in a quick hug, heading out the door to work. Then his mother would leave, too, telling him and his sister to have a nice day, don’t overwork themselves, remember to be kind to each other.

Logan’s heart ached in his chest, and he rolled over, away from the ceiling. He stopped humming, immediately forgetting the tune, anyway. Curling in on himself, he cast aside the memories of his family. He tugged on his blankets, melting into the warmth they provided. It was all he needed. All he needed to drift off to sleep, leave his worries in a world he was never meant to return to.

As he faded out, he wondered again about his family. He dreamt of them that night, of their faces and their smiles and their voices, and when he awoke, he couldn’t shake the warm smile off his face, no matter how hard he  may have tried. Though he wouldn’t remember waking so early, humming along to the building’s quiet song, or thinking of his mom in the dark, he would remember that feeling of hope, of warmth, that he woke up with. Perhaps things would be alright after all.

°•°

Logan didn’t see Roman or Virgil at all that morning, which was quite annoying. After their mission the other day, Logan had written down almost two pages of questions about the shadow creature, or, “dark cloud”, as it had been called. Forgetting to ask about it in their training session, he resolved to ask one of them about it the next day, only for the other two to suddenly make themselves scarce.

Logan checked over his notes and questions in his notebook as he walked towards the rec room. The pages of his tiny journal had grown more crowded since his first mission and second training session. He had spent almost an hour the other night trying to remember the details of what Roman and Virgil had told him, all the tips about his stance and the guides on how to reach and control his power. He had surprised even himself with how quickly he was adapting to life at AfterLife - or, would that be lack of life? Logan still wasn’t sure. Still, he was catching on surprisingly fast, and had even managed to make a few friends (who weren’t Roman and Virgil, though he did consider them to be friends as well).

Oddly enough, that was where he was headed now, to meet up with those friends. Joan and Talyn had asked him if he wanted to spend his free day hanging out with them and perhaps, learning the rules of upcoming training games. Logan had been ecstatic that they would ask, but had managed to keep a calm face and accept their offer rather professionally.

“Logan, what took you so long?” Joan called as he turned the corner. They were waiting outside one of the rec rooms, nearly bouncing up and down with excitement. Logan smiled and jogged over to them, then shrugged.

“Maybe I’m just slow,” he answered, following Joan inside.

“You’re gonna get your ass kicked if you’re slow,” Talyn said, throwing a dart at a dartboard (Logan assumed they were aiming for the dartboard, at least). They grinned at it hit the wall three feet away.

“And you’re gonna get yours handed to you if you can’t bring yourself to throw any better than that,” Logan raised an eyebrow. Talyn snorted and grabbed another dart, this time landing it only a foot away from the dartboard. Logan slow-clapped, motioning for Joan to join in, which they did after an eye roll and a sigh. Talyn bowed, then retrieved the darts and set them back in place.

“So, what do you guys want to do?” Joan asked, poking Talyn in the arm.

“I don’t care,” Talyn shrugged. “I’m down for a little chaos, if you’re bored.”

“The day has barely begun,” Logan mused. “How can one be bored if they haven’t started anything yet?”

“Well, what do we wanna start, then? And no, Talyn, it can’t be a food fight.”

“We could gather a couple more people and play a big game of capture the flag,” Talyn suggested. “It was fun last time, wasn't it?”

“That look on Roman’s face when Patton used his own glitter bomb against him,” Joan recalled, grinning as they held back laughter, “that was beautiful.”

“You wanna ask around, see if anyone’ll join in?” Talyn asked, knowing that Joan was already hooked on the idea. Logan was becoming increasingly interested as well, and so the trio set off to gather players for the game. Logan just sort of tagged along, as he didn’t quite know anyone yet, at least not as well as Joan and Talyn seemed to.

“Here, I’ll go check with Missy and Pran, they’re always down for a game,” Joan ran off towards the training deck, leaving Talyn and Logan to look for any others.

“You know anyone you could ask?” Talyn peered up at Logan, seeming much smaller than him for a moment. He shrugged, unable to admit that no, he didn’t. “What about your training instructor? Surely you can ask them,” they suggested.

“I haven’t been able to find Roman or Virgil all day,” Logan huffed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Talyn pulled a datapad from their pocket and punched in a few numbers, then looked up.

“Roman’s unavailable, probably on a mission or doing work,” they frowned. “But Virgil’s close! He’s in rec room four, which is just down that hallway, and then you take a right at the split over there,” they pointed down the hall as they spoke, and Logan nodded, quickly going on his way.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” he called, jogging forward.

“Alright,” Talyn said, pulling up their datapad again. “I can wait.”

Logan found Virgil outside the rec room, the door swishing closed behind him. He seemed to sway where he stood, fingers twitching idly at his side. Logan approached him slowly, taking note of the deep bags under his eyes. Virgil finally noticed him once he was about three feet away, and offered him a shaky smile and a small wave. Logan returned the smile, though he kept his hands stuffed in his pockets.

“So, I was, I mean, we were wondering if you would want to play a game? We, Joan and Talyn and I, we were planning a game, like, capture the flag, I think, and we, well, I, wanted you to join, or play, if you wanted,” Logan paused, curling one hand into a fist. Virgil stared at him, almost looking concerned.

“It sounds fun?” he croaked, wincing at the sound of his own voice. He cleared his throat, then tried again. “It sounds like fun,” he amended, sounding much better this time (though Logan still noticed the scratchy undertone to his voice).

“Well, if you’re up to it, we’d love to have you.”

“Cool,” Virgil nodded. “How soon are you starting?”

“I’m… not sure,” Logan admitted. “We could go meet up with Talyn and ask, though.”

“Sure.”

The two set off down the hallway then, Logan in the lead. His fingers curled up in his pocket, brushing up against his notebook, and then, of course! His notebook, all those questions, he could ask Virgil now.

“Er, Virgil?” Logan slowed down and turned around to face him. “I realized, just now, that I have a few questions for you, just about missions in general, and other stuff like that.”

“Ask away,” Virgil shrugged. “That’s what I’m here for.”

“Right,” Logan paused. “Well, I just wanted to ask, first… What exactly was that shadow creature that we - well, you and Roman - fought?”

“Dark cloud,” Virgil scowled. “Corrupted soul. They’re like us, but… messed up.”

“Like us?” Logan asked.

“Like us.”

“How?”

“Well, they’re dead, for starters,” Virgil huffed, crossing his arms. “Most of them had powers, even potential to be great agents. But they didn’t work out. They got corrupted, and they’re dangerous.”

“Can’t they be… uncorrupted?”

“In theory, yes. But we can’t do that unless-” Virgil hissed suddenly, his hand flying to the back of his neck. “It’s just impossible,” he ground out. Logan reached out a hand, but Virgil waved it away, his own arms flopping down at his sides.

“So, they used to be agents?” Logan finally asked, breaking the silence between them. Virgil just shrugged.

“Some of them, yeah,” he muttered. “Look, let’s go meet up with Talyn. We can finish this later.”

“Alright,” Logan nodded, turning away from Virgil then. The two walked quietly back to where Talyn was waiting for them. A million more questions seemed to swim around in Logan’s head, and he wished he had brought his pen with him to write them down - though he feared that in doing so, he would completely fill his tiny notebook. Perhaps it would be worth it, though, just to know the answers.

“Let’s do this,” Logan smiled as he approached Talyn, and Virgil seemed to do the same.

“Yeah,” Talyn grinned, “let’s.”

°•°

“Can’t believe that you assholes managed to beat us,” Virgil grumbled, throwing a paint-covered towel at Joan. They laughed, catching it and throwing it back. Virgil yelped as it hit him in the face, shoving Joan as they burst out laughing.

“Can’t believe that you assholes managed to lose,” Talyn laughed, wiping streaks of paint from their face. Logan scrubbed at his arm, wiping away the last traces of paint from his skin.

“Dude, just take a shower,” Joan poked him in the arm, where several large spots of color remained, barely noticeable. “That shit isn’t going to just come out, y’know?”

“Well, coming out is rather hard,” Logan smirked. “I wouldn’t want to force it.”

“Gay jokes aside, if you come to training tomorrow with paint on your arm, or anywhere else, I will make you run laps,” Virgil grabbed the towel out of Logan’s hand, using it to scrub flecks of paint off his own skin.

“He’s serious about that,” Talyn warned. “He was my training instructor when I got here, I would know.”

“I only made you run laps, like, once!”

“Still the worst training session of my life.”

“Spending it with him, I could see that,” Logan sent a wink in Virgil’s direction, and the room was filled with laughter.

“Get roasted, V,” someone laughed, throwing a towel towards him. Virgil caught it in his free hand and launched it back without looking.

“Nobody says that anymore, Kev,” he called over his shoulder.

“Well, I’m off to have lunch,” Talyn announced. “Feel free to join me if you’re not too covered in paint or glitter.”

“Looks like I’m out of luck,” Joan joked, holding out their sparkly arms. “I’ll get glitter all over your food, won’t I?”

“Probably,” Talyn shrugged, then grabbed them by the wrists and dragged them out of the room. “But you don’t count anyway. Come on.”

“Isn’t it 4:00 P.M.?” Logan snorted, turning to Virgil. He only shrugged, setting down his second paint-covered towel.

“Yeah, but most of us have been playing since at least 10:00,” he explained. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“I suppose,” Logan shrugged. “Race you to the cafeteria?”

“Oh, you’re on,” Virgil was already launching himself over a table to beat Logan to the door, but he still didn’t beat him to the hall. Logan narrowly avoided being body-slammed by him, then flung himself down the hallway. The two of them stayed neck-and-neck nearly the whole way down to the cafeteria, Virgil only slipping ahead at the very end of the race. Logan groaned as Virgil slipped past him, not-so-subtly flashing him the finger as he ran.

“Rude!” Logan yelled, wheezing as he slowed to a halt.

“Love you,” Virgil called teasingly, slipping into the cafeteria doors. Logan’s heart skipped a beat, and he was so glad that he could blame the red of his cheeks on the exertion of their little race. He scowled and started running down the hall again, this time to catch up with Virgil instead of beat him. Right as he reached the door, though-

Logan gasped and stumbled backwards, falling right on his back. He blinked and looked up at Roman’s concerned and apologetic face above him.

“Geez, I’m so sorry,” he said sheepishly. “Here,” he held out a hand to help Logan up, but the young man was already on his feet. Roman smiled, pulling his arm down and tucking a small brown and gold object under it. Logan glanced at it, and Roman pulled it further under his arm.

“What was-”

“Nothing for you to worry about, specs,” he interrupted, his smile growing stiffer. Logan took the cue and nodded, walking more slowly to the cafeteria. Roman disappeared around the corner, and so did Logan’s thoughts about the strange object. Little did he know, this would not be the last he saw of the thing.

This was only the beginning.

[thebibliophagist]

⭐ Goodreads ⭐ Amazon ⭐

In 18th century England, Henry “Monty” Montague, his best friend Percy, and his sister Felicity embark on their Grand Tour of the Continent, hoping to hit such destinations as France and Spain before depositing Felicity at finishing school and Percy at law school.  While Monty assumes that his Tour will be filled with drinks, parties, and romantic escapades, his dreams are dashed when his strict father hires a man to watch over the trio and make sure no shenanigans are had.  Despite the preparations, everything that could possibly go wrong does, and the trio finds themselves faced with everything from highwaymen to sinking islands.  Meanwhile, Monty is dealing with his ever-present feelings for Percy and the knowledge that a public relationship with another boy would mean the end of his inheritance and everything he’s ever known.

I’ve been eagerly anticipating this book since the very first early reviews started rolling in, but the reviews since then have been pretty mixed.  I’m calling this my “book you don’t want to admit you’re dying to read” because of the overall silly tone of it and the mixed reviews.

To start off, I want to say that I understand the criticisms of this book.  Even as I was reading, I thought to myself, “I bet this is a section a lot of people took issue with.”  Monty is not perfect.  He’s privileged, he’s flippant, and he feeds into bisexual stereotypes.  He runs around at all hours of the day and night with boys and girls and, initially, it seems like he’s never really faced any consequences for his actions.

Certainly, sometimes he doesn’t.  Monty truly is privileged in many ways.  His family’s wealth and position mean that he can be as rude as he likes to the nobility with nothing more than a slap on the wrist.  He can be caught hooking up with a woman and not be punished.  He has never gone hungry, never been without a comfortable bed, never wanted for anything.  He has never considered the degree of his privilege.  I can absolutely see how Monty might be a frustrating character.  The thing is, it’s completely realistic.  Have you ever tried to tell someone like Monty that they’re privileged?  Yeah, good luck with that.

The thing that makes Monty a good character is that he learns from his mistakes and grows as a person.  At the beginning of the book, he can’t even comprehend other people’s struggles.  He’s never considered that his biracial best friend couldn’t get away with half of what Monty takes for granted.  He realizes that his sister, like many other females, might not be content to sit around waiting on her future husband.  He also realizes that he’s had it rather easy for much of his life and that things could most certainly be worse.

That said, I didn’t really expect this book to tackle quite so many issues!  The writing style is so lighthearted that sometimes I didn’t even notice that the author threw in a lesson until I took the time to think about it.  Through Monty’s eyes, we see racism, homophobia, ableism, anxiety, alcohol abuse, child abuse, and sexism.  When I first started this book, I wondered where Monty had found such liberal, accepting parents in the 1700s.  When we learn that Monty’s parents are actually anything but accepting and his father is actually an awful human being, I just wanted to adopt this fictional kid who lived 300 years ago.  Or at least just give him a hug.

Another big criticism of this book that I’ve seen, aside from the whole privilege piece, is Monty’s treatment of Percy.  I will agree that he does not behave in an ideal manner toward his friend.  However, I completely understand where he’s coming from.  He’s been released into the wild, so to speak, away from his abusive father and the confines of his home country.  Yes, he’s sassy and promiscuous and fancies himself an adult, but he’s just eighteen years old.  He’s the age of a high school senior and in love with his same-sex best friend.  He both desperately wants Percy to know on the off chance that something could happen, but he also absolutely doesn’t want him to know for fear of the repercussions.  How does he handle his feelings?  He jokes around.  He makes light of everything.  When asked if he likes Percy like that, he basically says, “Yes, no, maybe, I’m not sure what you want me to say.”  I get it.  I’m straight and living in the 21st century and this stuff is hard for me.  Imagine being bisexual in the 18th century!

So, all in all, the book isn’t without its faults, but it is a whole lot of fun.  It’s well-written with loveable characters and I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it so much.  At the end of 2018, Mackenzi Lee is releasing The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy, and I cannot wait.  

Final rating: ★★★★☆

#mmdreading: a book you don’t want to admit you’re dying to read

[jodiwalker]

A Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: They Would Do Anything for Love (And They Will Do THAT)

There comes a time in every 20-something's life…when they must take a season off from The Bachelor franchise. For me, that season was Nick. Not because I don't like Nick—I find him no better or worse than any Bachelor(ette) who has come before him. (Actually I find him better because, uh, I'm pretty sure Prince Farming recently killed a guy).

I just needed a break. Yes I know about Corrinne. Yes, I stand in awe and fear of her. Yes, she has a perfectly round head-shape like a peanut M&M when they forget to put the peanut in that I don't trust, but do tend to admire, a la Stassi from Vanderpump Rules. Though it left a gaping hole in my heart—as if I was forgetting to eat breakfast every single day, and that missing breakfast was made of thigh gaps and man-tears—it was good for me. I return refreshed, and more importantly, completely clueless about what to expect from Rachel, or as I have taken to calling her: the Rachelorette (pronounced R8chelorette).

The only thing I can remember about Rachel from the brief glimpses I caught of Nick's season is that she got the First Impression Rose of Doom and I once saw her in a full-out sprint and not a single part of her body jiggled. From what I understand, she remained charming throughout and some issues of race were (not awfully) addressed in her hometown visit. I have to imagine that conversation went something like this:

Rachel's parents, in unison:  Nick, we can't help but notice that you're white. And also, that our daughter is way out of your league.

Nick: But—

Rachel's parents, alternating back and forth every other word: Yes, even now that you're two percent body fat and there's something different about your face that we can't quite put our finger on.

Rachel: Ha, you right, fam. See ya, Nick, I'm about to be the first black Bachelorette!

Nick: And I…I will take my last titular stand in Dancing With the Stars where I will wear more sequins and bronzer than any Bachelorette could ever dream of.

Since I clearly know very little about Rachel, I also expect very little out of her, which is kind of nice. Rachel can be a robot and it won't really matter—in fact, since she's from Dallas, a place solely populated by gallerias that smell like fancy fountains and hot young women that also smell like fancy fountains (lookin’ at you, JoJo), it will make perfect sense if she's just an average, smart, attractive woman. But she's also the first black lead in the Bachelor franchise, so y’know, the producers will probably run this entire freight train into the ground trying to be cool about that.

Unfortunately, unlike the contestant bios which are full of enlightening questions like "What fruit would you be if you could be any fruit?" and "What brand of high-end blender would you be I you could be any brand of high-end blender?" the Bachelorette's bio is just four paragraphs of excruciating prose. And since Rachel is an attorney, hers is 80 percent lawyer puns, 15 percent conjunctions, 5 percent her own name, and exactly 0 percent concentrated power of will. What I learned is that. 1.) Rachel went to the University of Texas, which checks out because it's almost easier to imagine her with a tiny temporary tattoo of a burnt orange longhorn on her cheek than without, and 2.) "Winning in court has never been a problem, but finding love is a case that unfortunately remains open." Yeesh.

So, let's, uh, call this court to order by meeting all 31 of the, uh, romantic prosecutors who have been, uh, subpoenaed in this case of, uh, LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE. Nailed it.

This isn’t necessarily the all-around hottest group of suitors we've ever had. But it is the most diverse. And that's because Rachel is a minority, so ABC will let her date another minority: a black guy, an Asian guy, a Latino guy…hell, she could even choose a white guy if she wants (but they will withhold her daily allotment of Snackwells if she tries to pull any of that shit). They're so open-minded this season, you guys. Honestly! They're very cool with what Caitlyn Jenner is up to; they retweet DeRay sometimes; some of their best friends went to the Women's March.

And while they may have curiously kept Rachel a blank slate in the marketing leading up to her season, all the jacked dudes trying to woo her come pre-packaged with a whole slew of questions by which to judge them. Pretty much every single one of them says they're 6'2 or taller, they're all obsessed with the Rock, Denzel Washington and Matthew McConaughey, like, six of them have inner-lip tattoos, and I don't know if Rachel requested that they all be sexual deviants, or if this is just the Freak House that Kaitlyn Bristowe Built, but everyone has gotten up to some real weird shit in the bedroom. So without further ado…

Rachel's Top 12 Most Interesting Men (according to a questionnaire completed under a distorting blanket of warm Jägermeister served in a plastic cup by producers who lured you out of a food court Sbarro with promises of love and more deli meat than one could ever imagine, plus, if you mention Elon Musk in your questionnaire, everyone will think you're smart, and also, if you say no to doing this, you're probably at least a little subconsciously racist, just something to think about—alright, see ya in Calabasas, buddy!) in no particular order:

Adam—Real Estate Agent, 27

When asked what his typical Saturday night looks like, Adam responded, "Well if it's not with my couch, then I would go out with some friends for dinner and go out to a bar or club for drinks, maybe late night tacos." Dude…you know that sounds like you're fucking your couch. You know that. Adam also said the most romantic gift he's ever received is a threesome for his birthday. Just him, his little lady, and that sweet, sweet couch.

DeMario—Executive Recruiter, 30

Excuse me as I half claim DeMario as my 2017 boyfriend, and half assess him as my 2017 nemesis because he might be the person I wish I was. DeMario's description of himself during social outings is like if a Kanye tweet (RIP) had an exclamation point baby with a Cher tweet: "100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let's fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it's 1999!!!!" It could only be better if he threw a little Jaden-existentialism in the mix. And if those are all references you understand, you will also appreciate DeMario's thoughts on being the center of attention: "I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits." Oh, you mean MY PERMANENT TWITTER THEME?

DeMario has a real Michael B. Jordan thing going for him, he chose a crew neck t-shirt instead of a v-neck, and he seems to choose to capitalize words or abbreviate them completely at random. I love him and I will make him mine. And who does DeMario hope to make his? His ideal mate is, "Outgoing, people person, funny, crazy, calm, cool, loud, funny, geeky but cool like The Fonz." Who has two thumbs, is standing near a jukebox, and is exactly like that? (Hint: It me.)

Anthony—Education Software Manager, 26

Anthony is too young for Rachel, but he also seems like the smartest one in the bunch. He got a Fulbright Scholarship to teach on the Ivory Coast, he name checks that weird carnivorous island in Life of Pi, his favorite movies are the very well-rounded trio of The Iron Giant, Moonlight and The Matrix, and his ideal mate is intellectual. Also he says he has "virtually no limits" in the bedroom"…so he will let you do butt stuff.

Diggy—Senior Inventory Analyst, 31

Homboy wore Warby Parkers to the beach. And they look good! Homeboy also took us on a wild ride via his questionnaire answers—and that makes sense. I don't think you come by the name Diggy because of your mild demeanor. (However, that this is not a grown-up Diggy Simmons is a disappointment that cannot be overcome.) Diggy begins a lot of his sentences with "Now," and it's hard to tell if he's marking the time or speaking like an elderly southern woman: "Now [chile], I'm trying to recover from the day drinking!" But once you get past that, I find his most embarrassing moment hilarious: "When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade." Tell me everything, I'm dying for more Dig-Diggy-deets!

Now, where I could have used less information is in his "fun story about a one night stand" answer. Diggy explains that he spent all day with a young lady, then she came home with him and they had sex. Then she got a text that her brother was missing, "so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!" Hey Digs, wtf? That girl just gave you her special wonder gift and waited for you during your hours of patented Diggy Toilet Time—help her find her damn brother! [Ed. Note: They better fucking put that one-night-stand question in the next women's questionnaire or I swear…I have no threat. I will watch this show until the day it kills me. But I WILL make a note of it!]

Bryan—Chiropractor, 37

Thirty-seven?! Get it, Bryan! Bryan is cute and a little shifty, and not just because he's a chiropractor (ed. note: sick chiropractor burn from someone who has never, not once, been to a chiropractor). For example, when asked to list his three best attributes, Bryan replies, "Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart." Bryan. You can't just use slashes and act like that isn't seven attributes! Affectionate and passionate are not even remotely synonyms, and if they were, you could just say one. But Bry-Guy fits in all those great attributes, and then one more: Bryan's favorite flower…is an orchid. Haaaaave ya met Bryan? He loves vaginas!

Bryce—Firefighter, 30

We're all on the same page that Bryce is an animated character of some kind, right? Like…he's that thing where a cartoon Easter Bunny turns into a human man and is debatably hot, right? Also, "a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening" is an incredible way to describe yourself as a lover, right? In return, Bryce only asks that his mate have "eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun." I'm gonna be so mad when Bryce is totally boring and gets eliminated the first night, because describing handwritten letters as "one of the purest forms of materialized emotion" is just really not a diction rollercoaster I expected to take in the Bachelorette Bio Breakdown.

Fred—Executive Assistant, 27

"My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school program from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend." Fred says he wants to be Ellen for a day, but he is, in fact, living the life of Hermoine with a Time-Turner. Fred also has the single most question-inducing answer of all the 31 men. When asked if he's ever been turned on at the wrong time, he responds, "Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed." Fred, "times?" How frequently this happening? And why is it always happening away from your desk? Where are you going in your office as an executive assistant that's constantly giving you boners? Are you the executive assistant at PornHub? Is everyone at PornHub constantly having to watch you erection-dash back to your desk: "Uh oh, looks like Fred angled his dangle by the fish tank again." I got my eye on your, Fred.

Kenny—Professional Wrestler, 35

I have it on good authority that Kenny is actually a fairly well-known wrestler, and it is my own personal opinion that Kenny contains multitudes. He has a daughter who he speaks of very sweetly, his favorite book is The New Jim Crow, and he once sent a woman a different edible arrangement for a week. Please don't be a dick, Kenny.

He also thinks he and The Rock are "very much alike," which, I get it—I want to think I'm the most charming, beloved man in the world too. But I'm not the Rock, and neither is Kenny. If he's anywhere close though, I demand he be the next Bachelor. And if not, I propose Kenny be cross-network drafted into The Challenge in what I am calling a "reverse-Miz."

Lucas—Whaboom, 30

Hey Lucas, real quick, what the hell. I don't know if you noticed, but everybody this season has 1950s jobs: doctor, lawyer…professional wrestler. You can't just make a made-up word your profession. You also can't say that your ideal mate would be four different animated characters—Belle, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Jessica Rabbit—three of whom I'm pretty sure are teenagers. In the very weird Facebook Live Chris Harrison did, he described Whaboom for the confused listener: "It's a lifestyle. It's an essence. It's who he is. It's a noun, it's a verb, it's an adverb. You can be Whaboom, you can be Whaboomed, and you can Whaboom." Hey Chris Harrison, you know what else is a lifestyle? Zippin' it.

Jonathan—Tickle Monster, 31

Which brings us to Jonathan and his stab at being the person with a weird job—sorry bro, who could have known Lucas was going to swoop in with Whaboom, spawning, like, 100 Bustle posts. Like "Twins" and "Dog Lover" before him, Jonathan has given himself an occupation that is not a thing, but my assumption is he's a pediatrician or something. Either that, or he, a.) plays the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street and auto correct really did a number on him, b.) is a real creep. Jonathan does go on to specify that he usually lasts a long time in the bedroom…"in a good way." But when your profession is Tickle Monster, "a good way" really starts to feel relative.

I truly could not have made this joke better myself than this person on The Bachelorette Facebook page:

Blake K—U.S. Marine Veteran, 29

Blake K is very cute and very basic, and Rachel should marry him and have very beautiful children together. The man would want Chipotle on the desert island that exists only in these questionnaires; he loves The Rock and Shark Week; he admires his mom more than anyone else in the world, and his ideal mate has a great smile. Blake K will get voted off the first night or he will win, there is no in between.

Jack Stone—Attorney, 32

Finally, Jack Stone. Jack Stone gives exactly no explanation for why he is going by Jack Stone, and his job is listed as "attorney," not "super-secret antihero agent played by Matt Damon and/or Liam Neeson," so I'm at a loss. There are no other Jacks. No one else lists a last name. Is it a double name? If he gets eliminated before we find out, I will never forgive Rachel…and neither will Jack Stone. Jack Stone has a very particular set of skills, Rachel. Skills he's acquired over a long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Rachelorette. If you let him stay until the second cocktail party, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you, but if you don't, he will look for you…he will find you and he will kill you.

Best of luck to you, Rachel. I hope none of these weirdos try to wear you like a coat or have a threesome with a couch or make you bounce with them in a moonwalk castle, or whatever. See you back here, friends, for intermittent recaps that will absolutely never be posted in a timely manner. Because I would do anything for you, dear reader—but I won't do that.