#and it was literally always me (and usually my other liberal friend but not always) in one corner and EVERYONE else in the opposite one | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weepingfromacedartree · 1 year

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totally random reminder that most people who create dedicated "hate" accounts do so with the sole purpose of farming outrage and sowing seeds of discontent within fandoms. instead of feeding into that bullshit, I recommend using tumblr's block function liberally and engaging with blogs who actually want to bring joy to other fans.

speaking of bullshit... here's another excerpt from my WIP for anyone interested

tw: fife 🤮

Chapter 2: Meeting Each Other’s Friends

His grin falters. Slightly.

“What does it say?” Penelope asks tentatively. Although she argued that this whole idea was stupid from the start, a little part of her is disappointed that it could be over so soon. If nothing else, arguing with Colin is usually her favourite part of these stupid little games. “Something we never managed to cover in our twenty years of friendship?”

“Nope,” he says, eyes still locked on the screen before him. “It’s something we’ve done many times before. With varying degrees of success.”

“What?” she asks when he does not immediately offer up any more information.

He clears his throat before reading.

“Number Two: Meeting Each Other’s Friends. Before you and your significant other get married, it is imperative that you get to know each other's friends. Friendships are an essential aspect of any person’s life. Knowing what sorts of people your significant other is close with is an important step in starting your life together."

“Well… I believe you’ve met my friend Eloise before, so —”

“I have met plenty of your friends, all of whom have been kind and lovely. Just like anyone would expect from a kind and lovely person such as yourself. Clearly Eloise — and perhaps also myself — is an outlier.”

“Hey, that’s not —”

“I believe ‘meeting each other’s friends’ has only ever been an issue when my ‘friends’ were involved.”

Penelope bites her lip.

“It was really just that one time.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Twelve Years Earlier: August 27th, 2011

Relationship Status: Friends

꙳

“Remind me why we’re doing this again.”

“To act like irresponsible teenagers whose sole purpose in life is to get plastered and party.”

“That doesn’t sound like us.”

“Exactly. That’s why I said ‘act like.’”

Penelope has always been a good bullshitter. Since she was a child, she’s had an innate talent of bending the truth on a dime. It comes naturally to her; bullshit falls from her lips before she even has a chance to think it through. She never does it for fun (she isn’t a pathological liar), that filter is just built inside of her. There are certain truths that she simply can never say aloud, so her mind grew adept at talking around them.

The truth: Colin had invited her to this party, and if there is one talent that Penelope does not possess, it is saying no to Colin Bridgerton.

Another talent Penelope does not possess is walking into any type of social event by herself. Even at family gatherings — Featherington or Bridgerton — Penelope always found herself clinging on to someone else. Usually Eloise. Sometimes Colin. Sometimes Prudence or Philipa, if she was really desperate.

Despite his invitation, Penelope knows she will not see much of Colin tonight. That this party will be filled with a ton of his Eton friends. That she will not be able to cling onto him all night — and that she absolutely shouldn’t.

That is how Eloise Bridgerton found herself being dragged towards her worst nightmare: a house party filled to the literal rooftop with loud, obnoxious teenagers.

“This isn’t Skins, Pen. This is gonna suck.”

“It’ll be fun.” Bullshit.

“So fun!” Eloise mocks. “Why not continue the fun tomorrow and go shopping with your mother. I heard Primark has a sale on yellow dresses.”

When Penelope forces out a laugh, Eloise pulls her in even closer.

“Seriously, Pen. You owe me for —”

“Let’s see how the other side lives for a little while. If it is truly tortuous, we can leave and go get some chips. You know… how we usually spend our Saturday nights.”

The offer does not smooth over any of the sourness present on Eloise’s face.

“You say that like there is something wrong with chips. There is absolutely nothing wrong with chips. Chips have never belched in my face or spilled a pint down the front of my shirt.”

At this point, Penelope genuinely does not know whether to protest, laugh, or agree with her friend. After a moment, she decides on the first option.

“What are you talking about? You’ve never even been to a party like this.”

Eloise gulps. Her eyes flash wide, like she’s just been caught in a lie.

“Well… no. But I’ve seen Skins and —”

“Oh, for God’s sake El.”

Penelope extricates Eloise’s phone from where it sat gripped between her best friend's fingers. After typing in the four-digit passcode, she clicks on the little clock icon.

10:09 PM.

“What are you —”

“I’m setting a timer for 20 minutes. If you’re not having fun when the alarm goes off, we’ll leave and get chips.”

“Fine,” Eloise grumbles, grabbing her phone back from Penelope. “You got a deal, Featherington.”

At 10:10 PM, Eloise and Penelope step foot into their first house party.

꙳ ꙳ ꙳

Fife’s house smells like piss. That’s the only thing on Colin’s mind as he continues conversing with his “friends.” They’re talking about the girls they’re dying to chase after at uni this fall, meanwhile, Colin’s thinking about how rancid this room smells. Between the stench, topic of conversation, and the idiots leading said discussion — it’s truly a miracle that he’s able to keep his ever-charming smile plastered on his face.

“Excited for the birds up at Cambridge, Bridgerton?” Fife asks, his usual shit-eating grin plastered on his own face.

“Hmm? Oh — yeah. Sure.”

“No longer interested in the ladies, Col?” his “friend” Dave chimes in.

“For all his money and looks, he never had much luck with them in the first place, did he?” taunts his “friend” Zach.

“Are you calling me pretty?” Colin shoots back, his usual smile starting to ache at the corners of his lips. “Flattered, truly.”

Thankfully, the conversation quickly gets redirected to one of Fife’s reliably embellished stories about a girl he picked up at a pub last week. The commentary is just mind-numbing enough for Colin to mentally check out of it completely, his smile finally dropping as he glances around the party.

It’s 10:11. The party just started, but the den is already packed with people. He recognizes most of their faces from Eton or just from his entire life living in Mayfair. None of them he has any particular interest in saying hi to. There’s really only one person he wishes to say hi to, and although she’s usually rather easy to spot, he doesn’t see her anywhere.

Accepting defeat, Colin turns his gaze back to the men standing around him. Fife’s moved onto another story. Some bullshit about spending 20 minutes in a broom closet with some girl from Windsor.

Once again, Colin’s mind is adrift.

Fife’s father is a member of Parliament. Why does his den smell like piss?

꙳ ꙳ ꙳

Penelope checks her phone.

10:29

Somewhere in this massive estate, her best friend’s phone is blaring an alarm, asking her if she’s having fun or not. Penelope has no idea what the answer is, because within 20 minutes of stepping foot into the party, she managed to lose Eloise. She also failed to find Colin during that time, but that matter is not as pressing at the moment.

She steps out to Fife’s back garden, hoping to have better luck finding Eloise in the fresh air than in the crowded interior that, frankly, smells like someone pissed on the walls before the party started. Unfortunately, the garden isn’t any less cramped.

Penelope pays special attention to where her feet step in the crowd, careful not to be crushed by the other teens dancing, making out, and throwing back shots around her. This sort of manoeuvring isn't anything she's not already used to — when you’re as short as she is, you need to learn how to get out of other people’s way. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is when you’re the one who always ends up crushed.

Just when she is about to give up and look for Eloise inside again, Penelope makes an unusual misstep. She accidentally slams chest-first into someone’s backside. Someone tall.

“Oh, hello,” he says, turning around. “That’s certainly one way to get a man’s attention.”

“Sorry, I —”

It’s Fife, she belatedly realises. She’s never spoken to him before. She’s seen him from afar a few times, but nowhere near this close. Despite them being friends since grade school, Colin never brought Fife — or any of his other school friends — around his house. Penelope always found that odd; she’s a friend of the Bridgertons and spends more time at their home than her own.

“I —” she says again. She tries to think of something logical to say. She also tries to step away from him so her breasts are not literally squished against his abdomen. But unfortunately, the crowd behind her does not grant her enough space to do so.

Thankfully, someone else speaks before she can stutter out another mindless syllable.

“Hey! Back off Fife.”

It’s Colin. She knows it before she even has the chance to look up. Somehow, she knew it before he said a single word.

He positions his body between her and Fife, creating space that wasn’t there just a second ago.

“Woah, mate! She bumped into —” Fife starts.

“It was my fau—” Penelope starts.

“Yeah, yeah. I think I’ve heard that one before. Never your fault, is it Fife?” Colin interrupts. His tone confuses Penelope. She can’t tell if he’s teasing Fife, or legitimately wants to punch him in the face.

“Colin, really, it was my —” she starts again. This time, someone new cuts her off. Another guy, standing close behind Colin.

“Do you know this chick, Bridgerton? Or do you simply enjoy saving random girls from becoming Fife’s next vi—”

“This is Penelope, my friend,” Colin cuts in, that confusing tone not letting up. Suddenly, he slings an arm around her shoulder, his hand gripping her skin. She suddenly questions whether or not this tank top was a good choice for the evening. “Pen, this is —” He starts pointing to each of the men now forming a circle around them. “Dave. Fife. Josh. Michael. Zach.”

As Colin makes the rather curt introductions, each of the five men nod, smirk, and/or unblinkingly stare at Penelope’s chest in response. She feels a nervous blush creep up her cheeks as she says: “Lovely to meet you al—”

“No need for flattery, Pen,” Colin cuts in again. “Even these lot are self-aware enough to know they’re shit.”

Michael snorts. Penelope gasps. Fife starts making a joke. Colin’s hand moves from Penelope’s right shoulder to her left elbow. He pulls her away before Fife can reach the punchline.

“Sorry about them,” he tells her once his friends are out of ear-shot. “They’re —” He groans. He drops his hand from her skin and briskly runs it through his hair. “They’re fucking arseholes.”

“They weren’t that ba—”

“When did you get here by the way?” he interrupts, his usual light-hearted tone making a reappearance quickly. Almost alarmingly so. “I was looking for you.”

“You — you were?” The words slip out before she has the chance to stop them.

Logically, such a statement shouldn’t be so surprising. They’ve been friends forever. He literally invited her to this party. But still… A part of Penelope cannot help but be surprised that Colin Bridgerton would specifically seek her out in such a crowded group of people.

“Of course,” he says nonchalantly. Then, he raises his eyebrows, reminding her that he had asked a question.

“Oh! Uh —” She looks down at her phone.

10:36

Shit.

“About a half hour.” She lets out a quick, nervous laugh. “Have you seen El? I lost her rather quickly, it seems. And I kinda promised her we would be gone by now if she wasn’t having any fun.”

Colin scowls, then turns his gaze from Penelope to the rest of the party. She wonders what it would be like to have an entire extra foot of height when Colin announces that he’s spotted her in under 30 seconds. He chuckles.

“Well, I don’t think you need to leave quite yet.”

She follows his gaze and finally spots Eloise.

Colin was right — she looks absolutely giddy. On the other side of the garden, she and Theo — a boy Eloise met through an internship at Danbury’s publishing house last summer and has had a massive crush on ever since — are sitting together on a park bench. Closely. Then, even closer. Then —

“Yeah, I don’t need to see that,” Colin grumbles from beside Penelope. His hand finds her elbow once more. “Let’s go.”

꙳ ꙳ ꙳

“Are you sure this is… safe?”

“Live a little, Featherington.”

After climbing through the window himself, Colin extends his hand for Penelope to take. Begrudgingly, she takes it.

They sit on the north side of the roof, facing the street. The party and its noise linger in the background behind them. After flicking the cap off into the night sky using his car keys, Colin hands her one of the beers he had stashed under his arm on the way up here. It tastes like liquified grass, but Penelope tries not to grimace when she takes a swig. Thankfully, Colin is looking up at the stars; he doesn’t see her nose crinkle as the beer slides down her throat.

“Beautiful night,” he muses, eyes turning back to her.

She looks up, towards the moon. It’s barely a sliver in the sky.

“Yeah. It really is.”

It’s quiet for a moment, save for the music and shrieking teenagers distant behind them. Penelope likes the quiet — she always has. Her entire life, it had been a cover. A cushion. A comfort. With Colin, it’s always a comfort. When she’s with him, she never feels the need to fill the air with noise for no other reason than to fill the quiet.

Colin is usually more willing to fill it.

“Sorry, again, about Fife and those other dickheads.”

“Colin, I told you. It’s —”

“‘It’s fine. They’re not that bad,’” he dramatically mimics. “Yeah I know… But speaking from the perspective of someone who actually knows them, they are shit and should be regarded as such.”

Penelope could continue brushing all of that shit to the side, but she doesn’t. Even if bumping into Fife was her fault, she didn’t like the way he looked down at her in the moment after. She didn’t like how he didn’t step away until Colin forced him to, when he surely could have done so on his own. And she didn’t like the way all five of them looked at her when Colin officially introduced her — like her tits were more interesting than anything he could have been saying about her.

Instead of brushing it off, she simply asks: “If they’re such shit, why are you friends with them?” Her own tone confuses her.

Colin grimaces, then takes a swig of his beer.

“Good question.”

He goes quiet again. When Penelope presumes that he is finished speaking, she opens her mouth again.

“I —”

“Maybe I’ve outgrown them.” Swig. “Or maybe it’s just that I’m shit too.”

Penelope laughs lightly, praying that tiny breath of air will help lighten Colin’s mood.

“The former, I think.”

“I think you give me too much credit.”

Penelope doesn’t respond to that. She doesn’t know how. Her entire life, Colin has been like a light shining into her darkness — how could claiming he's "not shit" be giving him too much credit?

Penelope doesn’t know how to respond to that. So instead, she asks: “Are they also attending Cambridge?”

“Not all of ‘em.” Swig. “Michael’s off to Edinburgh next week. Dave and Zach are both staying here for Imperial.” Swig. “Josh will be up at Cambridge with me, but he’s not so bad, I guess. At least when he isn’t actively under Fife’s thumb.”

“And Fife?” she questions. “Where is he going?”

Colin groans. He looks like he’s about to raise the bottle to his lips again, but doesn’t.

“Fife was admitted to Cambridge, but deferring a year to ‘go find himself.’ Hopefully, he finds himself at King’s College when he’s finished.”

“What’s Fife’s real name, by the way?” Penelope asks, unsure of what else to say. “Why does everyone just call him by his surname?”

For the first time all night, Colin laughs.

“Oh — uh. Cornelius. Cornelius Fife.”

Penelope snorts despite herself.

“Oh God, that’s bad. Perhaps even worse than ‘Penelope Featherington.’”

“What’s wrong with ‘Penelope Featherington?’” Colin asks, earnestly.

“Uhhh,” she stalls, hoping the night sky will hide the blush currently warming her cheeks. “A bit of a mouthful I guess. At least ‘Corn-eel-ee-us-Fife,” she punctuates each beat with one of her fingers, “is only five syllables.”

“I don’t know. I happen to quite like ‘Penelope Featherington.’”

She doesn’t know how to respond to that, either.

She should be used to this by now — existing in such close proximity to charming Colin Bridgerton. She should know that his flirtatious words are just that — words. That just because his words tug at her heart does not mean there was any intention on his end to do so. That there is no real intention behind them (at least not when they’re directed at her).

She should be used to this by now, but she’s not. Even now, her cheeks burn red as he unknowingly squeezes her heart.

“You ready to leave London?” Colin asks, his voice breaking Penelope from her thoughts.

Next week, she and Eloise are set to leave for Cheltenham to begin their Sixth Forms (along with Daphne, who will be finishing hers). Literally, she isn’t ready; she’s been procrastinating packing for weeks and will likely not do so until the night before she leaves. But in her heart, she’s been ready to leave home for the past two years, ever since Colin left for Eton.

“Oh — yeah.” She takes another sip of her beer. It still tastes like grass. “I think so.”

“It’s nice that you and El will have each other there.” He chuckles quietly, eyes turning from the night sky back to Penelope. “With your good influence, maybe she’ll make it through an entire semester without being sent home.”

Penelope chuckles too, louder than Colin had a moment ago.

“Eloise will be fine, with or without me. She’s all talk.”

“Yeah. The ‘talk’ is exactly what I’m worried about. Also fist fighting, but at least she doesn’t have the balls to do that in the middle of class.”

As much as she wants to defend her best friend further, Penelope holds her tongue. He has a point. Eloise seemed to make a hobby out of backtalking their maths teacher last term.

“Really though,” he continues. “Leaving home is amazing, but it also kinda sucks. Having your best friend there with you… It’ll be good.”

“Why does it suck?” Penelope asks. Little alarm bells ring off in the back of her mind. When Colin had first left for Eton, he had nothing but positive things to say about leaving home.

He keeps quiet for a moment, seeming to search for the answer in the stars above them.

“It’s different for everyone — it might not suck for you at all. But for me…” Swig. “Maybe it’s just because I was so used to living with seven siblings and an overprotective mum. But going from that to Eton so suddenly…” Swig. “Felt a bit isolating at first.”

The alarm bells continue to ring within Penelope. A bit louder now.

“Colin, I —”

“It gets better, obviously. You adjust. It took me a while to be comfortable living without the people I lived with all my life, but eventually I did.” Swig. “Your friends really do help with that. Hopefully you can learn from me though, and cut them off when you eventually realise they’re all bloody arseholes.”

She waits until she thinks he’s finished to open her mouth again. But just as she does, he continues.

“Sorry, by the way.” His eyes truly look sorrowful when he finally meets her gaze again. “I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. I just thought, maybe it would have been good if someone had told me that before I left for Eton. Prepared me a bit.”

“You didn’t scare me,” she insists. “And I appreciate your candour, really.”

Colin opens his mouth again, looking like he’s about to say something else. She knows she should let him talk — allow him to alter the course of the conversation, if that’s what he wants. But Penelope also can’t ignore those goddamn alarm bells still ringing in her ears.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? Even if — hypothetically — it could scare me. I’m always here to listen. For anything.”

For the briefest moment, something new passes on Colin’s face. Something in his eye looks different than anything she had seen there before. It almost looked desperate. But then it’s gone, his head turned away from her once more. Then, for the second time that night, Colin wraps his arm around Penelope’s shoulder. His hand dangles lazily off her shoulder.

“Yeah. I know, Pen.”

Penelope should be used to this by now. Colin is her friend. His touch is innocent, always. It doesn’t matter if her breath quickens when she feels his side settle against hers. It doesn’t matter if her skin feels hot beneath his fingertips. None of this matters to Colin — at least not in the way that it matters to her.

She lasts about 25 seconds before squirming out of his hold. She scoots back a few inches and turns so her entire front faces him. “What’s the distance between Cheltenham and Cambridge again?” she asks, as if the exact mileage has not been burned into her brain for months.

Colin grimaces. “200 kilometres. Give or take.”

Penelope nods. Mayfair and Eton were only 35 kilometres apart. There were countless times over the last two years that, to Penelope, it felt as though Eton may as well have been located on the moon.

“Chin up, Pen,” he says, face already starting to light up again. “It’s not the nineteenth century. We can always Skype.”

“I know…” She raises her bottle, letting the glass rim rest against her lips. She can’t bring herself to take another sip, though. “Even then, I’ll still miss you.”

“Well, obviously,” he says through a smirk. Penelope scoffs, hiding her own smile behind her hand. Charm and arrogance do tend to come hand and hand.

“Col—”

“I’ll miss you, too. Obviously. But that’s no reason to prevent ourselves from reaching our full potentials. We owe it to the world, Pen. We can’t possibly be that selfish.”

In the time that it takes Penelope to think of a single sensical response to his words, Colin goes to take another swig, comes up empty, then peers one eye into the bottle to confirm its lack.

“I sup—”

“To Cheltenham,” Colin says, raising his bottle towards her.

She smiles. Resisting the urge to remind him that toasting with an empty glass is bad luck, she clinks the butt of her bottle against his. Hers is still half-full.

“To Cambridge.”

The quiet returns. It sits between them for a while. Penelope likes it. She likes it all.

#I'll keep posting first drafts if this bullshit continues #like a reverse ransom lmao #polin #bridgerton #fanfiction #weepingfromacedartree #(also does fife have a canon first name? I searched for hours and couldn't find it lol)

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beatsboy · 2 months

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7.28.24 / day 35 of romanticizing my life until i love myself again

it’s almost 2am, i woke up about an hour ago from a 5 hour “nap” after going to a queer day market to support my friend selling their art, and it was really cute and i was honestly super social as i have not had that much social interaction lately (getting used to living alone and having to actively go out and seek social interaction has changed my capacity when i do have it so much, like crazy not feeling drained every time i leave the house because i’ve already been like 5 people’s father/therapist/cleaner/etc before getting to the place i’m going to be supportive/present for someone else) but god damn it was so f u c k i n g hot and tbh i’m very proud of myself for making it as long as i did i only made it thanks to the ice cream vender who put my ice pack necklace (shoutout to my mom who has these for menopause and told me about them) in her cooler so it could get cold again and the lemonade vender who gave me a giant cup of ice to hold against various parts of my body to stay cool af and i got to talk about the music video, and future music videos, the more we talk about this stuff, the more motivated i feel to work on music i want to get to the part where i get to be the thing i’ve been building mostly in my brain for so long

originally, we were going for summer release, and then everything got all fucked up with my roommate situation and moving but i think it was meant to happen this way; this project is better suited for the fall, regardless, and clearly brat has taken over this summer in terms of music, on all levels, especially in the hyperpop scene there are still brat parties going on in la, smaller artists are still reaping the benefits of this album (though not getting much credit, as per usual) love seeing the dare dj a petal supply remix of a brat song and getting all the credit, it’s fine we can continue letting cis white dudes get the credit for queer artists, it’s fine i was literally at a brat market today, where everyone had brat merchandise it’s hard for any other music to break through the brat noise in pop/hyperpop right now, not to mention, boypop is kind of fucking freaky, so i do think sept/oct release would be good for the theme

i rewatch the assembly of the first minute or so of footage and literally cannot believe that that is me these are the movements i practice in the shower, in the corner, in my room, when no one’s looking, movements, expressions, i rarely actually see and the thing is, when i do see, i often shrink from them when i tried to practice performing like this in front of a mirror, i always lost it, the authenticity of it, the commitment, giving fully into the performance, the character, the self that’s the only way, in my opinion, to perform, because any level of restraint pulls you back to reality, that i am just a human, an insecure boy, going through puberty for the second time in his life of 27 years, afraid that he hasn’t done enough in his short time on this earth and wishes he’d taken a life-altering journey to a faraway planet where pop music was the harbinger of liberation instead of a stint in rehab and a coke addiction

anyway, market was fun, although so so hot, and after not going out all weekend, especially after thinking i was going to go to the rave on friday night and not, i really needed some socialization, with friends, and new people, and really needed some real time spent out of my apartment i got a really cute trucker hat that says “gay son” that i’m obsessed with and a really beautiful zine made by a trans guy about his gender journey (originally to raise money for his top surgery, which he had evidently already had, as he was standing there, fearlessly, with his shirt off) i honestly didn’t want to spend another $10 (i literally still have to make my rent in the next 3 days but telling myself i got this) but i think i just feel this intense awe when i see other trans guys post op shirtless, so free in a way i cannot imagine being so, naturally, i was blinded and overcome with this feeling, so i paid the $10 for the zine, and of course i do not regret it at all another vender had a kitten cafe with two 2 week old kittens inside (pictured) because they were too young to be left alone and while i was worried about them and the heat, they were quite cute

after being at the market for over 4 hours, af and i came back to my place, where i made us greek wraps with ground turkey and homemade tzatziki and cucumbers after we walked to h mart to get fresh tortillas i showed them the latest version of “boypop” which is so close i can taste the final mix (and am a bit mad i didn’t work on it today, but it’s fine, i was exhausted) they noticed the automation, the changes i’ve been making, i feel like i’ve actually been moving forward in my work this past week instead of just hyperfixating and going in circles, which is a danger i face in the finishing phase it’s hard to let go of a project, to let it be done i still listen to “king” and think of different harmonies i could record now with my current voice and i can sing whatever i want live, but the recording is done, the mix is done, there are no more changes to be made

i think, in the same way that i love people for their potential, and not always for who they are right now, i see a song as it’s potential, which is why i can imagine so much more than what is actually in front of me, and translate that symphony in my head into the daw, and i also why it’s so hard to let go, to stop, to step away from the infinity of changes and evolutions each project could still face sometimes it feels like i could just work on something forever and as i learn new things it will keep getting better and better, but at some point, i just have to let go

when i was a kid, my dad told me that an artist’s first album is always the best because it’s the cumulation of only their best works at the time, but then they just have to keep creating and they slowly get worse and worse i don’t know why i let this stick with me, more insidious influence from my father on a career i hadn’t even chosen when i knew him, it was just some dumb musing from a middle-aged man making himself feel smart by making a comment about maroon fucking 5

his birthday was 2 weeks ago i wonder if it makes him sad, on his birthday, at the age of 66, knowing he’s grown to be the kind of man who would offer back his relationship to his child, who has grown to hate him more than he hates himself, at a price, who has grown to be a man who can put a price tag on anything, even his love and support knowing he is one of the only people left in this planet, soon including even TSA agents and the DMV, to call me that name to wonder if i will ever come back, if i will ever call, if i will ever reach out, if i will ever show up and say i’m sorry dad you were right all along i got off the path and i sold my body and i want to go back to my normal life with a check for $5000, crying, and return to his control (i won’t) he tells my brother that it’s on me, ball’s in my court, if i want to come back that’s all i have to do, say sorry and pay the fine my terms have always been more simple, which i have communicated let’s talk, with a therapist present you two (parents) schedule (since they have crazy schedules) and i will be flexible (even though i too have crazy schedule) “he said he’s willing” my mother claimed, but it never came to fruition, of course not i blocked his number at first, i had to he wouldn’t stop calling, threatening me, telling me i’d made my mother sick with my behavior (becoming financially independent after realizing i was being financially/emotionally abused) i responded to his emails for a while, but they got worse, so i stopped then, his dad died, and i unblocked him just to call and give my condolences i left him unblocked after that. he could have called any time he wanted, but he didn’t i would know if he’d even tried

i wonder if my dad, too, ever sat alone in his first solo apartment journaling about his thoughts and reflecting on the ways his actions impacted other people mostly i hope not, because i don’t want to know if he did good things before he went bad, i want his fate to feel impossible for me to come to i already know that he read the tao te ching and the four agreements, things i’ve read as a young adult, that have brought me peace, that have taught me ways to move through the world, that don’t make sense when i think of him, and it makes me uneasy i don’t want to envision him being a morally good person and suddenly turning it makes me fear that i could still face the turn, when i want to believe that i have avoided it, that i am not capable of becoming a man like That

but, in truth, we are all capable of becoming like that, of selling out to some idea worse than what we believe in because it’s easy, because what we’re doing now is hard, because the rat race is tiring on the ground because our bodies are tired because maybe our fathers were right and the world’s a hard place and maybe i won’t because i know he wasn’t right, he never was, he was a professional bully who practiced on his wife and children but it is in every decision we make, daily, hourly, minute by minute, that determines who we are, and in ever decision, we can make the turn, we can cave and be cruel, we can give in and take the easy route, knowing that each of those decisions pulls us closer to That which we fear becoming the evil you fear lies as much in buying all your furniture on amazon as it does saying something cruel to someone who doesn’t deserve it just because you’ve had a stressful morning as much as the goodness you chase lives in being friendly to the coffee employee who’s taking forever on your drink when you’re late because it’s not their fault and their morning is just as important as yours as much as it lives in buying from local artists every decision determines how you move through the world, connecting each step and choice like a river, that is where you find where you’ll end up, which ocean you end up submerged in, which fish you will find yourself swimming into the dark night with and i crave free, calm waters for when i my end

#7.29.24 #day 35 #everything is romantic #deardiary #online diary #photo journal #online journal

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arcielee · 1 year

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Interview With a Writer

I know I usually do Ewanverse or HotD, but I fell in love with this story. Thank you @bhxrdy for indulging me and answering my questions. 💜 As always, Interview With a Writer is my ongoing series of the talented souls on Tumblr and ao3, and their brilliant writing!

Dividers by @saradika

Name: bhxrdy

Story: timeless

Paring: modern Finan x original female character

Warnings: Explicit/18+, be mindful of chapter warnings!

So, when did you start writing?

I started really writing, like 10 years ago now - right into 2013. I had discovered and gotten very into (I'm shy to say) k-pop, and at the time, social media was new to me. I had joined a couple of forums here and there, but really got into the thick of it once I joined Twitter and Tumblr. It was also then - for the 1st time - that I found out about fanfiction, which was an unfamiliar concept to me.

Its a bit blurry, but I remember I started reading a few stories here and there about my fave group at the time and - I don't remember the specifics but - I had eventually started coming up with wild scenarios, small ideas here and there, that I wanted to put down on paper.

Writing in general was relatively new to me (a few years before, when I was in high school, I was writing "poems" and other notes in a massive emo-like notebook - all because of a boy of course), so the idea of creating something substantial, like the fics I had read so far, was a bit terrifying but also kind of exciting because I stumbled on something brand new to me and was dying to be part of it along with some new online friends I had made (which I unfortunately lost touch with over the years).

Within the span of 2013-2015, I wrote 28 stories (on a 3rd party site) - a mix of one shots and multi-chaptered fics, which includes 2 unfinished stories - which were left to die by 2017-2018. I had finished school and started working, which totally changed my routine. The lack of interactions in the fandom didn't help either as by then, it was pretty much dying from the band's moving on and eventually disbanding. The stories are still there, my account is still there, as I don't have the heart to take it down. I've spent so much time on them, and loved every genre I wrote. I either went fluffly fluff or super angst and dark, all of them fun to write.

After that I moved away from the fandom as well and just the k-pop scene in general. I took a hiatus from writing altogether too - the will of it had died so I mostly focused on editing. And then, I started back again in 2020, wrote a couple of stuff on Tumblr (for the 1st time) until I stopped again a few months later. The inspiration stopped and I just couldn't bring myself to write anymore. So I moved away.

And then this year, TLK happened and I just had the inspiration back on the tip of my fingers, just swirling in my brain and was dying to write it down, so I gave it another shot and wrote my first Finan fanfic. It was very rusty getting back into it after so long but I'm glad I did because I got to meet amazing people which I'm grateful for.

I have a tendency of daydreaming a lot, I can easily get lost it my own head. Finding out I could actually just write them down, liberating everything I held up and see them face to face vs. just thinking about them, became a whole new ball game.

Where did the plot for timeless come from?

It hit me out of nowhere and happened when I was re-watching The Originals (TVD spin off). I'm not sure how, but it physically/literally stopped me in my tracks (mind you I wasn't doing anything special, just going to the kitchen to get a snack) as if I was hit on the head with it, like, "Yes! omg! shit! this is it!!"

I immediately picked up my phone and started typing random thoughts and notes down for the story. It was very rough, just generalized ideas of what could happen. Some of those ideas did change trajectory from where they started, but I'm hoping they were good changes and worth the story telling 😊

Watching The Originals helped with the inspiration. I knew Finan was always meant to be cursed, I just had to figure out the best way to present it. I also drew inspiration from other witch shows like Charmed, A Discovery of Witches, and BTVS. I love anything related to the supernatural and witchcraft, so it was fun coming up with the initial layout of the story.

At the beginning, I debated if it should be a one-shot or multi-chapter based on how much I had come up with. I was 99% sure I would stick with the one-shot, but eventually the 1% took over and I just went from there...the lines took a life of their own.

Explain your interpretation of Finan. What drives him? Why is he the way he is in timeless?

I was mostly trying to stay true to how his character was built on the show and transport that in writing within the concept of the story (I'm sure I've strayed, but hopefully that's alright).

When we first meet Finan, he's infiltrated modern day life as if he was part of that world, always. Then he meets a woman on a random night and everything changes for him.

Thinking of it this way, the man has been by himself for a thousand years - the life he knew, his family, his friends - everything from his past has disappeared and he is all alone, and so he was just at this point in his existence where he was done with everything, partly discouraged from being immortal, partly begrudgingly accepting of his fate as a man who will never die.

But then he meets Rebecca, a woman who has no inkling whatsoever of who Finan is, i.e. their meet up was random passing of time in the(ir) universe. Once they meet, his life alters. She was the light at the end of a tunnel, she was a beacon of hope. Meeting her, befriending her - he found purpose again. He was ready to fight again, to live like a normal man again.

Throughout the story, I tried to focus on this aspect specifically - on the basis that he is hopeful to become a free man again. And though, there is conflict within himself, to the point he was ready to give up again, I'd like to think that Rebecca was simply someone he needed in his life. Not because of what she could do for him, but because of who she was, as a character, as a person to him. She put her life on hold for him and in return, the universe gave them something that everyone wants - to love and be loved and not be so alone in the world.

Finan, having been alone for a century, found his drive through Rebecca - through her presence, always standing by his side and fighting for him. Them falling in love was an added bonus.

Do you feel Rebecca/Bex complement Finan in this?

I would like to think that she does, because she gave him a new spark into his life, allowing him to feel truly alive again - which was something he had been deprived off since his original lifetime (i.e. since the TLK era).

With Bex's stubbornness driving him insane at times, I think it also helped him on the hope aspect - she was willing to go to the ends of the earth for him, for someone she had just met all because she wanted to make things right, to help him (a stranger, when they met) find peace. She wasn't reluctant about it nor did he even ask for help (he was the apprehensive/suspicious one). And I believe, at the end of the day, it all came down to how they felt about each other from the night they met. They unintentionally nurtured a connection they created until it became so immense, they ended up wearing it naturally, like a second skin.

Not only was she his anchor to the world of the living, Bex had become the part of him that died a long time ago. This makes me believe - in a some kind of weird way - that she was his soulmate. That, despite the heaviness of the curse, Finan was meant to cross path with her, that the(ir) universe gave him a break in the form of a kind-hearted and stubborn as a mule witch. A woman who would end up gifting him a second chance, and the opportunity to experience the good aspect of life again (as well as love).

Where did the dreams and the curse lore come from?

The dreams part of the story was inspired by The Originals, as there is the concept of the “other side” where non-resting souls are (the cemetery/graveyard scene description was inspired by the one they have on the show) - so I leveraged it and made it so Bex was forced into contact with another witch while sleeping instead of through a spell (as she had no reason to contact the dead while awake).

For the curse, I knew what I wanted out of it as it was already part of the original draft when I first came up with this story idea. I knew where it was taking me and how I would want it built - the reasoning behind it though was a bit if the tough part which I had also integrated into the storyline with Bex losing her shit over it.

Any chance of a sequel? Or do have anything else you are working on next?

So, unfortunately no sequel. But it does not mean I haven't thought of an epilogue - or kind of. Just random scenes with Bex of what life is after the ending that randomly play out in my head. I don't think I'll want to write them mostly because I want to keep the ending as is.

I'm working through a few other stories at the moment. The priority ones are for Osferth (a one-chaptered drabble for your 1k celebration, and a multi-chaptered fic which will also tap into the supernatural concept), which I am hoping to get started - officially - very soon!

I have some others dangling as well, which should eventually come soon as well - this includes Finan, Sihtric and Aemond.

Do you have a personal favorite story you'd like to share?

There are so many to choose from! We Were Something, Don't You Think? by Maggie (@inthedayswhenlandswerefew), as well as Comet Donati and Have You No Idea That You’re In Deep?

Some other favorites include Wolf-Heart by @gemini-mama, Crimes of Passion by @itbmojojoejo, Sanctuary by @st-eve-barnes, and Winterwood by @lonnson

There is also a myriad of Finan x Aisling (OFC) fics by @persephones-journey which are heart-wrenching and good.

And Fire in Her Eyes by @emilyhufflepufftlk is another amazing one for Finan fans.

#interview with a writer #iwaw #iwaw18 #bts #of their brilliant writing #writing community

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walls-actual-ly · 3 months

Text

hanging out with my brothers drunk friends (I gave them water and more political education than school lmao)

yesterday i came home to my moms place spontaneously and well, my 16 yr old brother was throwing a party. greeted me and went "Oh you re out of rehab you can get drunk with me now!"

bc somehow he forgot/didnt know that I went to rehab for severe substance abuse/light addiction lmao

anyhow, I didnt drink (still proud of me for that), but I almost immediately started to chat with some of his friends because I was active in the same student group than them back when I was in Highschool and we talked about how the group changed (it became centrist, basically. they took a youth group called "pro individuality" and turned it into a group organizing basic school events. still fuming at the mouth.)

anyhow, I went back inside and took my birth control and immediately one girl was like "hm I dont like the pill bc its bad for you, so many side effects :("

and then we had a conversation about how important birth control is for the liberation of women, and once the girl and I finished the chat another incredibly drunk 17 yr old girl entered the kitchen and went "omg I hate birth control!!"

so we had the same conversation again, she settled on "well I just dont want to take it but I also want to spare up my virginity for my potential future husband."

you see, my brother has many friends, kids grow up fast, I didnt know her name, but once I heard her say it I put a name and stories to her face and holy fuck, this 17 yr old girl has literally send pornography of her body to adults on a discord server we re both on. "every time you have sex with a guy you leave a part of yourself behind" baby there is literal child pornography of you on the internet. you deserve help. the adult man on the server talk about the different nudes they have of you.

anyway I had no idea how to bring up that, I m only her friends older brother and I dont want her to feel uncomfortable, and she was super drunk. so somehow we ended up talking about Hitler vs. Stalin. No Sex-Girl thought that Hitler and Stalin are both equally horrible, and I tried to explain to her that political massmurder is different than industrialized genocide, she is such an adorable centrist.

meanwhile a boy joined the chat and we shift towards discussing the European election, those teenagers are just openly discussing who they voted for and apparently my brother is running around flaming everyone who didn't vote for a party he likes :((((( I love this boy so much but omg one of the kids literally said that my brother is bullying conservative voters lmao and, even better, one of the girls told me that she thinks my brother is only politically based and left-leaning bc of me 🥹🥹🥹 all the exhausting debates I had with him back when he was kinda antifeminist anti woke are paying off!!!!!

but yeah so turned out No-Sex girl voted conservative bc she thought they are "the political middle", and that was actually super eye opening. I was always wondering why so many young people voted cdu, but she openly said that she has no idea what they are actually stand for, what their goals are or their values, but she thought that they are neither left nor right, the centre, the democratic middle.

and that is a major failure of the media, but I can understand how she came to this conclusion - it's been told to us over and over and over since the day we were born. the cdu is the middle, the Spd is left wing. meanwhile right now both parties are undermining our constitution and enacting severely rightwing policies - but you would not know that if all you know about politics is the commonly spread word, usually spread by the parties themselves.

and its so illuminating, I m hanging out in fairly political circles so I just... forgot that most people have no clue about politics. all they hear in the media is "current government bad, only one other Democratic Party", so ofc the normal non-nazi-adjacent youth votes cdu on mass. and that sucks. but its something we can base our actions on.

i have been thinking about making political germany focused content for literal years now, I even made a few YouTube videos when I was like 18, they were cringe as fuck ofc. and I dont really want to make YouTube videos now, video essays arent really my thing. but I ve been thinking about streaming / "reaction content" in which I watch normal media shit and talk about whats actually going on.

one of the girls told me that I should become a politician, that I say what she means but in words she doesnt have, and tbh its not the first time that people told me to get into politics.

yesterday the Berlin state attorney deported Maja, a non binary German citizen to Hungary while knowing fully well that the Supreme Court will oppose the deportation if given time. so they did it in a hurry over night, and when the Supreme Court ruled that Maja can not be deported to Hungary for the next 6 weeks... well, by then they had already handed Maja over to the Hungarian police, and despite the orders of our Supreme Court the Berlin police refuses to bring her back to germany.

shit is getting rough here, our judicial system is being disrespected and ignored over and over and over again. our constitution gets undermined, our rights are being spit on by those in the government. and I feel powerless - but the conversations yesterday reminded me that I m not, that there are countless people out there who literally dont know better and who need someone to sit down and explain stuff in an engaging way, and I think thats something I could do

but I m also scared and worried, I am afraid to show my face bc I know how much hate id get, I m afraid to use my voice bc of how bad the oppression is getting in the recent months. but thats what the government wants, I guess. if there is no vocal opposition they can do whatever they want. shit s scary, but maybe No-Sex girl wont vote conservative again if she remembers our chat lmao

#deutschland #germany #politics #free maja #german politics #deutsche politik #the kids are alright just misinformed #before someone screams about drunk 16 17 yr olds... we re in germany #you can buy beer and wine at 16 #and sure they also drank vodka and other hard liquors #but one of them is perhaps 18 or their parents bought it idk idc #cdu #spd #cdu/csu #we need to talk about the fascist decline in europe

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jes12321 · 2 years

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Scooby Doo Redesign

Because I cannot stop thinking about it.

[art credits at bottom]

Fred Jones

💙 Frederick Steven Jones

💙 19 years old

💙 he/him

💙 Currently identifies as bisexual, but he’s still figuring it out.

💙 Autism

💙 Caucasian (like, the whitest boy to ever white)

💙 Adopted by a middle class family as a baby. Considers his birth parents the biggest mystery yet.

💙 Mom friend of The Gang. He has a satchel that’s really just a mom purse that he takes on all the mysteries. It has baby wipes in it.

💙 Is the one who got the whole Gang to really start hanging out. He dragged them along on their first mystery. Apparently almost dying is a big bonding experience.

💙 Owns the Mystery Machine. He bought it at a junk yard and fixed it up himself. It was a labor of love and he cares about it more than anything in the world (except maybe his friends)

💙 Hyperfixates on mystery and/or traps.

Shaggy Rogers

💚 Norville Dennis Rogers

💚 20 years old

💚 he/him or they/them

💚 Pansexual demiboy

💚 Anxiety, ADHD

💚 Black/African-American

💚 Born into a new-money, rich family. They were very supportive of Shaggy when he told them he didn’t want to take over the family business.

💚 He is usually either stress eating for has the munchies.

💚 Scooby Doo is his support animal. He doesn’t do the best job (considering) but it’s the thought that counts and Scoob would never leave Shaggy hanging.

💚 Got the name “Shaggy” In kindergarten because he refused to let the barber cut his hair all year.

💚 Has a prescription for medical marijuana. Uses it liberally.

Velma Dinkley

🧡 Velma Ruth Dinkley

🧡 18 years old (baby of The Gang)

🧡 she/her or they/them

🧡 Lesbian

🧡 Autism

🧡 Jewish-Mexican

🧡 Both of her parents are Jewish-Mexican as well. They own a small tourist shop in their town and live comfortably enough to be considered middle-class.

🧡 Has literally the worst vision ever. Lenses so thick she has to get a special coating on them so they aren’t so heavy.

🧡 Doesn’t necessarily believe in God or religion, but still practices because it was mostly how she bonded with her parents as a kid.

🧡 Skipped a grade in elementary school. She could have skipped another, but her parents didn’t want her to be with kids that much older than her.

🧡 Hyperfixates on different science fields and history. Comes in handy a lot during mysteries.

Daphne Blake

💜 Daphne Ann Chun Blake

💜 19 years old

💜 she/her

💜 Bisexual transgender

💜 ADHD

💜 Korean-Scottish

💜 Born into an old-money, rich family. Her parents have very high expectations of her and often compare her to her older sisters.

💜 Her mother is Scottish and her father is Korean. He took her last name when they married, but Daphne and all her sisters have the second middle name “Chun” because that was his family name. Somehow Daphne and all her sisters got their mom’s red hair.

💜 When she came out as trans to her parents, they were actually really supportive because they had always wanted all daughters.

💜 Jack of all trades. Her parents made her do everything they could think of to make her “well-rounded” which just ended with her having a lot of random skills.

💜 Has difficulty sticking to one thing for too long before getting bored of it. The mysteries keep her on her toes.

Other info

❤️ The Gang met in a history class they all had together. Shaggy was a senior and needed to retake the class to graduate. The rest of the gang were juniors.

❤️ They are all in a polyamorous relationship with each other. I might make a chart later. Who knows?

❤️ Scooby talks. There is no explanation. No one questions it.

❤️ They are a family. This is very important. They all care about each other.

Art Credits

Also show support on their website:

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spikrock · 1 year

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my mad t party lgbt hcs explained

very messy post below! some are genuine reasonings and others are just "yeah haha trust me bro"

tarrant: bisexual & nonbinary

i mean for all the bi characters the hc is pretty self explanatory, i mean look at them yknow. hes a little too fruity with mally and thackery 🤨 but tarrant and alice are literally bi4bi couple of all time as for the nonbinary hc, i dont know! id like to know if anyone else sees him this way or if its just me :) hes just got too much enby swag

alice: bisexual & trans

its all spiderwebs fault!!!!!!! it made her gay!!!!!!!!! /j but seriously, kissing ladypillar and different numbers such ho hey (you know how every now and then theyll switch alice standing with mally to someone else like thackery or absolem, the few times she did it with ladypillar are so funny because they cant rhyme the pronouns 😭). also ik this sounds silly but i really appreciate that in the mtp shows once ladypillar was added they didnt stop doing spiderwebs or change it to be like “haha were both girls 😵‍💫blehh this is so weird 😂”/play it off as a joke or anything because they very easily could have done that. shes trans. i already made that post with her and mally but again, if shes not trans then why is her color palette blue and pink? checkmate liberals.

thackery: bisexual & bigender

yeah hes bi i dont know what else to say he and mally are in love frfr i actually just completely made up bigender. made it up, i dont know where i got it from i just remember early february drawing mad t party on my laptop and suddenly thinking “bigender thackery” and its stuck with me since then. (the two genders i hc him with are male/female though so) i wouldnt say he feels just one or the other, he feels both at the same time

mally: bisexual & trans

he is top ten bisexuals of all time,, whenever they do the pretender and tarrant and alice stand on either side of him and take turns singing he is DYING. passing away HE IS TRANSGENDER!!!!!!! we all know it. instead of coming out as trans he made up some crazy story about being killed in a war and then coming back as a man 🙄/j hes just dramatic like that

chessur: gay & trans

haha this is mostly because of @thatrandomartistjavi's hcs xd chessur is special in the sense that hes the only mtp character that never really gets a chance to flirt with anyone else since hes always hiding behind that drumset. from what ive seen he was shipped with dinah a lot, presumably just cuz theyre both cats since they rarely interact, so ive never really understood it :p i usually hc cheshire cats as nonbinary/something under that umbrella but this guy gives me transgender vibes. idk

absolem/ladypillar(? dont know if she ever got a real name): lesbian & trans

shes very much a lesbian. just. just like yeah. i think the most prominent character that she flirts with (other than alice) is mally. from what ive seen it only really happens when its el dormouse on stage but before i started seeing that i always saw mally/absolem/thackery as like, a trio. i mean obviously everyone in the band are friends, but idk. i have lots of drawings of those three hanging out so maybe thats just something my delusional brain has completely made up. but anyway the point is i dont ship those two and i sort of see them with a more sibling dynamic. mally always holds her back when shes trying to touch the little castle music box thing, at the end of sets he’ll pull her antennae to take her off stage/she'll pull him by his scarf, etc. (also theres a clip where she kisses him on the cheek and as they begin to walk off stage she turns to the crowd and mouths “no” and does the throat slitting gesture thing which makes me think theyre sorta just playing around :p)

sooo in a post a while back i said i hc her as genderfluid but ive changed my mind?? actually before i made that post i headcanoned her as trans but then switched to genderfluid and now ive uhh changed my mind again. im very indecisive like that and very easily swayed on my opinions haha,,, @ticktockteapot's metaphor for her “becoming the beautiful butterfly she was always meant to be” is very nice i like it lots. also the fact that ladypillar has a much higher stage presence than absolem (obviously not including the spiderwebs number…or crazypillar) was always so sweet to me cuz like,,,aw shes finally more comfortable being herself and performing :’)

tl;dr none of them are straight none of them are cis. happy pride month and thank you for coming to my TED talk

#alice in wonderland #mad t party #rambling #try and guess which one i thought about the most

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murder-and-mayhem · 2 years

Note

1, 2, 4, 7, 10, 11, 12, 17, 18, 22, 40, 41, 51, 52 — Rhysaa <33333

CHEERI, I FINALLY GOT AROUND TO ANSWERING THIS. I'm sorry it took so long, but it took me forever to use my think-juice and get my backstory straight for my girl. But here we go!!

From these asks here!

1. What's the lie your character says most often?

"I'm not worried/I never worry". Plot twist, as Kova's head of security/personal bodyguard and wife, she actually worries a lot. It doesn't help that he likes to throw himself danger to make a point (not that she has any room to judge). It's one of the many things she loves about him, while also being her biggest stressor. She lies because he needs her strong, but her desire to protect him is what gives her strength.

2. How loosely or strictly do they use the word friend?

She uses it somewhat liberally, but in different contexts. If she's actually calling someone a friend then it's rare. She doesn't keep close company outside of her and Kova's crew, and Torian, Gault, and Mako are her closest friends besides her riduur. When she's serving as Kova's proxy during Syndicate business, there's always an underlying threat that comes with the use of the word "friend". It's used as more of a reminder to those she's dealing with that their ability to keep breathing is conditional to whether they live up to the term.

4. What's a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Cooking! When she lived on Vallt, she used to cook a lot for her large family. It was something that she really enjoyed doing, but she doesn't have the time or the inclination now. Most cooking isn't practical for meals in the field unless its preparing rations, and there are cooks in Kova's employ at the palace. She did try to pick it back up once, but she found that a lot of the dishes she used to make no longer brought her comfort. Instead they just dredged up bad memories.

7. What would you yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell?

I'd probably just yell her name because I'm boring 🤣

Being Kovapaqe's wife, riduur/cyare/cyar'ika are always good bets when he tries to get her attention. He'll also use meshurok (his own special endearment for her literally meaning gemstone (mando'a)--his treasure) but he uses it sparingly since he prefers to use it in private.

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

She likes to tell the story of how she and Kova met. It's always a hit with other Mandalorians, especially since they met in a cantina brawl while hunting the same prey on a backwater planet. They'd patched each other up and parted ways after the fight, agreeing to turn the hunt it a sort of contest to see who could catch the quarry first. Mandos eat it up every time.

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends/family ask or do to tell the difference?

Kova would ask what gifts they gave each other when taking their vows, as well as what was said and where (there were no witnesses, so the only ones who know are Kova and Rhysaa). He'd also check for her tattoos, especially the one she got representing finding her life partner. Mirialan tattoos are not easily mimicked. They look simple, but that's part of the artistry. A fake can look passable from a distance, but it falls apart under scrutiny. Kova knows Rhysaa's tattoos intimately and would not be easily fooled.

12. What's something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

Kova mutters to himself when he reads reports or transcripts from Syndicate meetings, and when he does it's usually snarky commentary on whatever bullshit is going down at the time. He has a dry, sarcastic wit, and that paired with his incredulous facial expressions and some wild gesturing? It breaks her every time.

17. What do they notice first in the mirror vs what most people first notice when looking at them?

Rhysaa notices her hair. It's very important to her that she takes care of it, keeping it in long braids decorated with the beads that Kova made her for their vow exchange. The first thing others notice is likely her height. Rhysaa is a very tall and very muscular. Combine that with a full set of beskar armor and it's often intimidating to both friend and foe.

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone?

Kovapaqe, full send. She loves her crew, but she'd set the galaxy on fire for Kova with no regrets.

22. What simple activity that most people do/can do scares your character?

Swimming. She grew up on an ice planet, so liquid water wasn't about in large supply. Even if it was, freezing to death didn't seem like fun. There were some shallow hot springs that she would bathe or wade in, but she didn't learn to swim until she'd left Vallt altogether and she's still not very confident in her abilities.

40. How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

She doesn't respond much outwardly to a limp handshake aside from immediately gripping your hand much more firmly than necessary. Inwardly, she's labeled you as weak and/or untrustworthy. If you shake her hand like a coward, she will treat you like one.

41. What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone/somewhere else?

According to other Mirialans who actually grew up on Mirial, she speaks the language with a very weird, very formal cadence. And she had absolutely no idea about any of their slang, but has her own from the colony that apparently makes her look and sound batshit insane. Yay cult life...

Hu'tuun is a new favorite thanks to Kova's liberal use of the insult, and sometimes she accidentally finds herself mimicing the way he says it.

51. What's a phrase they say a lot?

Gar shuk meh kyrayc - "You're no use dead". Usually muttered under her breath when dragging Kova to their quarters to get some sleep.

Copaani mirshmure'cye - "Are you looking for a smack in the face?" Sounds threatening but is usually said in good fun.

Not necessarily a phrase I guess, but when she's talking to Kova she has a couple of pet names that she uses often. She's so used to saying them that they usually just fall out of her mouth without thought. Mir'sheb is one of her favorites--a mild insult that became a term of endearment for Kova. She also says sá vhie ("my heart" in Mirialan).

52. Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

It depends on the situation, but most of the time she waits. In her early years as a hunter she was a lot more impulsive, prefering to shoot first and ask questions later. Time and experience cooled her temper and taught her to show more restraint. It was a good change, considering her position in the Syndicate can require patience, planning, and some degree of subterfuge. That being said, she's also a bodyguard. If she gets even a whiff of danger she's on high alert, and she will not hesitate to crack some skulls if she needs to.

#IT IS DONE #im so sorry this took so long #weirdly specific oc asks #oc: rhysaa #my oc #swtor oc #swtor #star wars the old republic

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dhampiravidi · 1 year

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to those who have an issue w/drag (& tbh, queer/nonconforming people in general)

TL;DR: please don't follow me if you are the above. I'd be supporting ignorance. Here's my explanation.

Brief background (on me & my stance): I was born AFAB, to parents who, for most of my childhood, either took no stance or a liberal stance in conversations that became politicized/publicized by the media. My school didn't talk about politics until President Obama was elected (& ofc his election was seen as a historic, positive moment). Anyway, no one talked about sexuality, biological sex, or gender identity--all of which are different, sometimes overlapping topics.

Then my mom happened to have a young student who had 2 dads. I was confused. When they'd hug or kiss (nothing graphic, just regular couple stuff), I felt...weird. No, not aroused OR disgusted--I was maybe 8 at the time, anyway. But I was definitely not used to seeing or hearing about gay people. Whenever that good ol' scene where 2 sexy college girls kiss to appease a bunch of boys came on the TV, my mom would roll her eyes. When 2 men would kiss in a different scene, my dad would make an excuse and leave. Long story short, until I literally Googled what it was to be queer, I didn't understand what I had seen. I'd learn that my mom supported all queer people (going as far as to publicly support a student's efforts to transition in high school) and my dad, who is still learning, grew up exposed to extremely heteronormative ideals.

Now we get to my identities.

I started to question my sexuality at 10, but I wasn't "sure"* that I was bisexual/pansexual (I don't mind either term; yes, I "can" be attracted to trans people) until I was 12. Unfortunately, my parents initially tried to ignore my realization. They didn't want to talk about it. But I had friends who came out at the same time. (I was also a very salty high schooler.) So I kept pushing and pushing for the discussion, because I had a right to be heard. I had a right to be myself and not lie about who I was. My parents had always talked about how I should be proud to be a smart Black woman, so...I ran with that. I am lucky to have a family who (finally) accepts my sexuality.

Again, I'm AFAB. I don't mind my genitalia. I hate my body, but that (for me) is tied to my mental health, as I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (I inherited a disposition to this), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (the result of several environmental and self-imposed factors), and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (due to some trauma experienced outside my home). I have thought about having traditionally-male genitalia, but I don't think I personally need it to be happy. However, I acknowledge that this is just how I feel, and it doesn't take away from how others feel.

I didn't even think much about my own gender until the last year or so. I only knew that I had always been unhappy with my social life. I currently have a badass handful of buddies who I love SO MUCH, but I still sometimes feel...wrong. When I look in the mirror, I don't just feel ugly. I don't think I look human. I hung out with boys throughout elementary school and I (mostly via the CW and Disney Channel) was exposed to a lot of what some call the "male gaze". For example, I remember all the shows that featured a girl (usually the male characters' crush(es)) getting splashed with water--enough so her petite hourglass form would show through her then-transparent clothes. So I had an idea of what beauty was. Somehow, I also had an idea of what being cool/handsome (my words for "beautiful in a masculine way" back then) was: toned muscles, the ability to intimidate anyone, wearing tight clothes, etc. Anyway, I started school early, meaning that until maybe the end of middle school, I was always shorter than everyone else. I didn't mind being called cute all the time, until my friends were getting asked out as teenagers. Suddenly, I wanted to be seen as attractive. I ended up basing my self-image on how many people had crushes on me (which appeared to be zero, according to how many people turned me down). My point is, I believed that I had to be pretty for men. Then I realized that I liked women TOO, which irritated me because even when I came out, it saddened me that I still wasn't getting asked out (despite me supposedly having TWO TIMES the chance to find love, in my mind). In the end...I found that I identify as nonbinary. I'm agender, possibly genderfluid, because I don't understand OR want to conform to society's standards for gender (at least, in the USA). (Also, a bunch of the people I had crushes on years ago were actually insensitive jerks, but that's not the point.)

Elon Musk has said one thing that I might actually agree with. Said loosely, he asked why people are bothering to look so closely at gender when we claim that Western Civilization has come so far in terms of gender roles. Why DO people have a problem if someone who is AMAB wears a dress or a skirt? Kilts are part of Celtic culture, for both men and women. The Ancient/Classical Greek civilization that is so revered by so many countries had a garment called the chiton, a knee-length tunic worn by both men and women. Plenty of cultures throughout human history have worn ceremonial and/or optional makeup. Why DO some Americans still take issue with men teaching kids in elementary school? Is that any worse than a woman becoming President of the United States?

I was inspired to write this because of all the recent ideological and legislative attacks on human rights, specifically those of trans people and/or drag performers. I thought about the friends I have who identify as trans, and who have expressed their joy at discovering their identity. They are so relieved and happy and they have the most beautiful smiles when they detail their journeys. Their happiness isn't hurting anyone. I also thought about drag in general. I haven't been to a live drag show (yet), but I've seen the show Legendary (a dance show featuring drag, among other elements of queer culture) as well as the Netflix documentary Disclosure (a film about how trans people have historically been depicted in media). Drag is art, and for some, it's a lifestyle. It might be a kink or fetish for some people, in the same way that intercrural sex or lingerie might be. What it is NOT is a way that people commonly commit crimes--as the media has often claimed in the past, by showing AMAB "transvestite" serial killers wearing dresses to seduce their victims. It is NOT encouraging children to have sex at horribly young ages. And as many have explained, a drag queen is most definitely no more dangerous than a person (of ANY gender) purchasing an automatic weapon. If anything, seeing someone in drag perform can be an awesome learning experience for kids. They'll be exposed to a marginalized community that they may find themselves as part of as an adult. They won't grow up like I did, feeling like something is wrong with them just because they didn't know their identity existed.

I am not perfect and I do not claim to be. I had to do a lot of research to learn what I know about various communities. I still research online and ask (thoughtful) questions when members of these communities allow it. Until this year, I had no idea that some nonbinary people choose to get top surgery and/or begin hormone therapy because they like the way it helps others view them as more androgynous individuals. I did not know how much hormone therapy could cost (it's a heartbreaking reality, considering the meaning behind the whole process). I did not know that drag, something that I always saw as a fabulous form of self-expression and pure happiness, would be demonized by so many people.

I don't think this IS an opinion, but uh:

Gender Identities: woman, man, agender, nonbinary, two-spirit (term exclusive to Indigenous North Americans), etc.

Sexualities: gay, straight, queer, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.

Sex: AFAB/female, AMAB/male, intersex.

People who are transgender are absolutely valid, whether or not they get and/or disclose their thoughts on personal sexual reassignment surgery. The term transgender is difficult to evaluate as a word because it's somewhere between gender identity and sex. In English, we say that someone identifies as trans, but someone who is a transwoman, for example, is someone AMAB (or possibly intersex) who identifies as a woman. But again, these people still exist and deserve just as much respect as anyone else.

No one hates people who grew up unaware of the queer community. The problem are those who hate queer people for simply being different--in essence, for those who pose a threat to the fantasy of a forever-heteronormative society that promotes unrealistic ideals.

*stuff in parentheses includes terms that you may not agree with, but it's how the mainstream media and groups I've interacted with define certain concepts. I'm sorry if the phrasing isn't perfect--despite my Master's and Bachelor's in various sections of the English Department, choosing the correct words to define feelings is still difficult.

#admin #pride month #queer rights #queer represention #lgbtqia #lgbtq+

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thenightlymirror · 1 year

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Friday night. I had pizza and beer with Andrew after work. Andrew asked me what we are supposed to do with the gang bangers under socialism. “You know what I mean?”

I don’t. I don’t know. I guess I’ve been pilled for a long time. I’m not sure I relate to people’s fears about equality anymore. There’s reasonable steps you can make towards a more democratic and participatory world, that’s less cruel. Social democracy. And with a new portion of dignity, you’re capable of more things.

He just doesn’t see how you can make all the different kinds of greedy and self-interested people work together. Period? I think you buy into all this, a little. (He scoffs at this.) That this is peaceful, working, better than the alternatives. That you have any chance of success, and that you’d enjoy it if you had it.

He tried to explain that he wasn’t all for capitalism. No, I understand that. Liberalism is critical of capitalism, thinks there should be some safety net. He mentioned “welfare with a ten year lifetime limit.” Which disgusts me, deeply.

He asked how I could go to a movie, with all that it costs. I said I’m eating at a restaurant too. Will there be restaurants after the revolution? I hope not? I don’t care? I think the point is that less of life should be centered around buying things. Some things will be free, other things just more fair. But, ultimately it’s about imagining a world where everything is free, and meeting it there.

It wasn’t a hopeful conversation. It was sort of dark and lonely, mostly because I never launched into any soaring rhetoric or made it personal, about what he expects out of life, all that. For me, we’re just immersed in this bad thing. It’s defeated us. I’d like to beat it. How are you going to make rich people do what they don’t want to do? By gunpoint. Through political coercion. Whatever people are willing to do. It no longer bothers me. Maybe one day it will. But terror is better than this. Personally, I’m not very useful for that kind of thing, and I understand that’s a bit of a cop-out. But still. I want this system to end. I refuse to pretend I’m saving face and that this is just how things are and it’s okay. I’m participating in a crime, under duress, and I’d like to be delivered.

He sees me as a friend, and wants to see how I tick, is what he says. I feel like it’s the first time anyone has argued with me about ideas in many, many years. So, I wasn’t heroic or anything. Sometimes I wasn’t sure what I thought. I think maybe sometimes an educated liberal wants to hear a smart rebuttal. A good case. That smacks of vanity to me. This world is so thoroughly unjustifiable. It isn’t smart. It won’t last. It isn’t fair. It could be better. It’s actively violent, with evil motives. Any version of socialism is better than this. Maybe socialisms devolve into capitalism when there’s still work credits, industrial production, clocks. You just figure it out. But always toward the communist horizon, and never taking any satisfaction in this morass of bullshit we’re in.

He walked to his bus stop after getting a bit drunk by himself mostly. I just finished my beer. You can tell things make him sad and then he has to temper it with some happy thought, or another drink. I feel like I just can’t relate to this most relatable human reflex. We both agree that we needed a new friend, it’s good we can hang out.

When I got home to Winnetka, the square behind my apartment building was filled with dining tables as usual, with a cabaret duo playing smooth jazz to—and I mean this much more literally than it is usually applied—the bourgeoisie. The actual bourgeoisie. My neighbors. A man playing cello across the street took a break to speak to a waitress, who handed him some kind of invoice.

One of the grounds guys texted me while I was walking through. He was shyly trying to convince me to see a bar he goes to. He must have heard that Andrew, Buck, and I went out on the town. He kept telling me stories about famous people he’s partied with. DB Sweeney. The singer of Disturbed. Keanu Reeves. Dog Star’s tour bus stopped and it was full of women and drugs, and Keanu invited him in. What happened? “Take a guess.”

I tend to let people lie. I mean it’s entirely possible. Some rich guy abducted him into his Sadness Van and they trafficked some girls together. That’s believable. Why not?

It’s such a delicate balance of not being impressed, but not letting anyone know so you don’t break their lonely hearts.

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incarnateirony · 2 years

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Oh dang, apparently tumblr tip feature lets you leave comments! Also as I reply to this, let it be known that I deeply appreciate every tip, subscriber, and birthday present this month. Because, while I know things will pan out in time, those are the little things helping me out with unexpected expenses like the wheelchair, or frankly getting myself some cheap doordash the other night when I realized I didn't have anything I could make without getting up. So every little bit literally brightens my day and thanks.

So yeah, absolutely.

Listen, I've learned how to make things flex in almost any situation. It really depends what scale you want to work with. I can give advice on everything from how to hitchhike the US returning stolen eyedrops to more standard methods of pursuing stability. Let's start with the latter.

So rule of thumb, the larger and more liberal or progressive your city is, the better your experiences with this will be. I'll add things for more small town and rural people later on. But for the city folk:

Always google your community resources, and don't only check the main city site. Don't be shy about googling "rental assistance [town]", "[utility assistance] town", whatever. Usually there's more than the default government programs around, same as there being community foodbanks and the like. There may be more resources in your backyard than you know.

Even if you yourself are not homeless actively, it doesn't hurt to go down to homeless centers, specifically ones geared towards rehabilitation and recovery housing programs, because they often have pamphlets of resources on where to get free medical, free meals, and so on. For example Portland Oregon down by SAFES and the Rescue Mission hands out little decently thick booklets with piles of resources that teach you to beat your feet for 8 free meals/snacks a day. And that's not even brushing on dental vans, and medical resources even for homeless LGBTQ people needing support on hormones or other issues. It's the best place to look for resources.

Learn to cook basics. Rice and beans is your friend, and very flexible with the right veggie blends, seasonings, and occasional meat thrown in. You can live off a crock pot with several varied meals a week this way. Add in learning to bake your own bread. It cuts your sugar intake considerably, you WILL notice weight loss in a good way, it tastes way the fuck better than store shit, and if you add that, some noodles and butter and garlic to your pantry, you actually have a decent rotating menu where you can keep an EXTREMELY low food budget, if you're in some position you don't have food stamps accessible.

While I always, ALWAYS suggest going to a doctor in any and every situation, and this is purely nonprofessional "this saved my ass" advice, fish antibiotics work in place of human antibiotics in emergencies. You can get Amoxicillin, Penecillin, and several other things on most pet sites or at pet stores if you can't cover copays and this that and the other or just flat Can Not Access Or Get To Assistance. Still immediately seek professional treatment when you can, but if you've got an emergency abcess and no healthcare, this WILL save your ass, literally.

Ignore boomers. Avocados are your friend. They're like 68/cents each in my area of the US at least and have great fatty content. Beans will cover your protein, avocados will cover your fat. Use one avocado with a scoop from a big gallon tub of ice cream and mix in your favorite fruit, easily kept frozen in bulk in the fridge, in a blender. Congratulations you have a semi spoil semi diet shake thing for cheap as hell in multiple servings and a bunch of vitamins and shit. If you're in a region where avocados ARE expensive, then find another base with similar properties. Hell, bananas ain't a bad answer.

Literally this is the diet I have been pouring weight off with. I cut out soda, I stopped buying snack cakes and the like, I started making my own bread. H leaned heavily on rice and beans, noodles for carbs on occasion to break it up, and various small experiments to shake it up while cruising with smoothies by day. It don't cost jack shit in the long run and its. Like. Good for you???

If you have the space, by zoning or rural location, invest in a chicken coop, or at least the parts to build one yourself. There's DIY guides all over the internet. Have the joy of raising a couple chickies inside then putting them out and you have eggs for life. Get a few chickens per people and you'll have eggs coming out your ears. You'll be trying to give eggs away to friends. Sell eggs. I don't care. Eggs. Throw them scraps and they shit out food for you. It's magic.

Don't be afraid about using a little indoor grow space. While I don't expect you to go Pot Farmer like Some People, it doesn't hurt to set up a raised indoor grower and just PLANT some of what you use most, because if you take care of it right within a few months you'll have all you ever need. There's cheap basic grow lights or you can just put them up near windows that match the lighting cycle of the given plant.

There's probably others I'm not thinking of. But here's what I came up with top of my head, hope this helps someone.

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radiantlyrey · 1 year

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Thoughts on Uprising Ep14 “State of Mind”

- (coming to you LIVE from a hotel room near Cincinnati tonight; going to the zoo with friends and family tomorrow, sooo…. also everyone else is watching Tangled while I watched this episode, so I got the real Duality of Mandy Moore going on here tonight. I feel like if Mara and Rapunzel met Mara would convince Rapunzel to abdicate in favor of a democracy………)

- cold open: okay wtf Mara we literally just had an episode about how you’re all gung-ho for the resistance, what the fuck is going on??? and then we get a flashback and immediately find out what happened: she got dusted by some kind of pathogen and taken to a government hospital and Flynn knows what else…. okay.

- Keller strikes me as interesting immediately. what does she think the applications of this pathogen might be??? liberating? like…. mind control is not liberating, even if you’re using it for good?? what the fuck??? Pavel is here also being a little bitch as usual; and Tesler is not interested in Keller quitting, because he wants/needs her pathogen to control the populace of Argon. So yeah.

- meanwhile, at the garage (and I note that again this episode is entirely A-plot): Mara’s come back and she’s looking at Recognizers with pure…. something in her eyes (maybe lust? definitely desire if nothing else) which weirds both Zed and Beck way the fuck out. Beck tries to wave it off (because of course he’s about to investigate as the Renegade) which Zed (rightly) calls him out on…. Zed does a lot of calling out this episode and he’s more or less completely right about it.

- at the club, which apparently isn’t always overrun with soldiers, Mara’s trying to talk Hopper and Bartik into going to this Cool Ass Party that Tesler’s throwing—Zed tries to get her to stop, and she basically bullies him while Bartik and Hopper watch in amusement. Poor Zed; the kid can’t seem to catch a break…

- we see Tesler’s announcement about his Killer Rave and it is immediately obvious that he intends to release Keller’s pathogen to create a populous of pliable programs. so yeah.

- Beck goes to investigate Mara’s “fender bender” and it turns out it was a full on WRECK. and also Zed is there!!!!! great minds think alike.

- after the break, Beck tries to get Zed to call off his search, but Zed is just… Zed about it. Kid has a kind of abrasive tone sometimes. the “dOn’T pUsH mE” fucking killed me, though….. my god, you’re not good at making friends, are you, Zed?

- together (it’s mostly Zed, but still) they figure out the truck crashed on purpose, and that more trucks are going to crash soon. a motorcycle chase ensues, and it’s pretty good stuff, good action, I like it. Poor Zed and his bikes, though…… Beck and Zed get control of the one truck they saw and dump it into the water, but….. there are tons of other trucks crashing, and Tesler’s Killer Rave is starting soon….

- they track down where the crash victims are sent, so it’s time for a stealth mission!!! Zed is bad at it, but I will say in a general sense that Zed and the Renegade working together is good fun! Zed’s absolute refusal to be awed by the Renegade is hilarious, tho.

- a plan is formulated, things are done with the dirigible, the business with Zed and the wing chute is very funny (it goes about as well as Beck’s first go in the first episode!) and Tesler’s Killer Rave is actually pretty tight, I’ve gotta say (another appearance of PERFECTION IS FREEDOM, always creepy), and I see the use of the little ball for the DJs looking like Clu’s little arena control balls from Legacy… Zed gets Mara away from the rave, at least, but then things don’t go well…….

- Beck + Pavel fight!!! this is a pretty good one, with Pavel fucking just derezzing a guard when he loses his disc and Beck pretty much outclassing him move by move. when it gets tight tho, we see Keller come in and it’s not clear what’s going to happen with her—except she comes in on Beck’s side of things, thank goodness.

- ending stuff: Beck demolishes the control tower just in the nick of time; Mara remembers nothing of her mind control at all, which …. fine, whatever. also I just wanna say, where the fuck were Tron and Able during all this??????? Beck’s Dads are nowhere to be seen!!!!! what the fuck! maybe they took a vacation to a part of the Outlands not totally infested with gridbugs? who knows!!!!

- just coda things: LOVE that Beck gave Zed his bike back. (which is what I thought he should have done in the same episode he stole it in, but whatever). also love Mara just hanging with Bit, changing her hair back to blue… (love to see Bit, btw! Bit is the coolest!!!!)

- and then an actual facts cliffhanger: Keller has defected, and Tesler wants her dead, but she’s got an ace up her sleeve in the form of a fucking full body disguise??? SO!

- other thoughts: the ringed iris effect for those affected by the pathogen was creepy as FUCK. HELL. seriously Keller, WHAT are the positive applications of this thing????? // seriously in love with Zed this episode; it’s nice to see him sort of warming up to the Renegade, but it does suck that Beck just…can’t be there as a friend much anymore. and I think Beck is keenly aware of how much it sucks. like, the last two episodes have involved Beck spending time with his friends one on one…….. as the Renegade. sigh. poor kiddo.

#tronblr #tron #tron: uprising #skye liveblogs things

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