#and it wasnt until about a year or two ago that i really started feeling the need to learn more and be more connected

[aroaceinaerospace]

sometimes I so deeply miss being a teenager because there was so much more space to just talk to people the same age as you and figure out who you are. there's nothing quite like the vulnerability you were able to reach late at night during a sleepover with friends

[miya-rin]

“what the fuck do you two think youre doing?”

shit, you think, you didnt notice the balcony door had been slid open until you heard the voice of one of your brothers. you start to pull away from suna’s lips which earns you a small whine from his end, his grip tightens around you and honestly it its quite cute the way he is trying so hard to savour the moment. “come back later, we’re kinda busy.” the boy mutters before trying to move your face away from the distraction so that he can kiss you once more.

“suna you get your hands off of her right now, i dont give a fuck that its your birthday.” osamu pipes up, he looks furious and a little bit disgusted, if it hadnt been for the situation youre in right now you would think its kind of funny.

“samu lay off him, it was a mutual agreement, im just as guilty as he is ok?” that does not seem to help the boys understand, if anything they seem even more angry with you both.

“what the fuck do you mean it was a mutual agreement? are you two hooking up or something? yn he just turned 18 a few hours ago are you forgetting that?” atsumu says, he is rambling on with every excuse he can think of as to why this is “so wrong”, from the corner of your eye you can see suna trying so very hard to hide the grin that is creeping its way onto his face, his hands still all over you despite the fact that you arent alone anymore.

“listen, it was his birthday wish ok? i swear it didn’t mean anything,” sunas grip begins to loosen ever so slightly, “i just though it would get him off my back and get him over his little crush on me.” suna’s facial expression shifts but you choose to ignore it, you have bigger problems to deal with at the moment.

“no this is not ok, how would you feel if me or samu kissed one of your friends because it was their birthday wish?”

“that’s different, why would my friends want to kiss either of you?”

“excuse me? ill have you know that many women want to kiss me! and dont think youre getting off the hook either suna, ill make sure you never-“ you dont even want to hear the threat that is about to come out of his mouth, you just want to get out of this shitty situation.

“boys please, just give us five minutes to talk and then we will be back inside ok? i promise.” your efforts to plead with your brothers finally work.

“…fine,” atsumu mumbles, “but this better be a one time thing. im not gonna deal with you two being all lovey dovey around me.” and with that he lightly tugs on osamu’s sleeve, signalling him to walk back inside and continue the party. he closes the balcony door but not before bringing two fingers up to his eyes and then pointing them at the two of you. its a warning.

you turn back to suna and notice the sad look on his face - he looks kinda cute like this, “so, what do-“.

“did you really mean what you just said to them?” the poor boy looks heartbroken, after waiting three years to finally have a chance with the girl he loves wants the moment is ruined like that? “did you actually just do that so i would leave you alone?” his hands fully leave your body now and he takes a step back to put some distance between you two.

“well i mean sort of yeah… ive never looked at you in any way other than my brothers best friend if im going to be honest, i dont know if thats because of the age difference or what but ive never thought we could be anything.” the look of hurt is prominent on his face no matter how hard he tries to hide it, normally playful banter would have been thrown back and forth between the two of you but rintarou just stays silent, an indication that youve fucked up.

“listen suna i dont know what you want me to say, i wasnt really thinking when i said that to atsumu it just came out. i am 4 years older than you and many people would not approve of us if i decided to give you a chance.”

“who cares? i could treat you so right if you would just let me. i have waited entirely too long for this moment, all im asking for is one date.”

“you said that about the kiss too, one thing is never enough with you is it? you always need more.” a playful smile creeps onto your face which is outshined by the one on sunas, he knows that your smile means that you agree to go on a date with him.

“i really hope you arent fucking with me right now, that would be so cruel, especially on my birthday.”

“oh give the birthday excuse a rest now will you? you dont need to keep on at me you have already got what you want.”

“mhm i absolutely have,” he walks closer and once again wraps his arms around you, placing a hand under your jawbone to make you look up at him, “and i couldnt be happier.” he states as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss once more <3

[gamblersdoll]

Can req for a first time with Bakugou x reader? And both being virgins?

cw in ask. pro hero! bakugou.

bakugou’s biggest problem and concern wasnt him being number two in the hero rankings, nor was it the fact about him having too big or too small of an agency.

it was him being twenty five and still a virgin, thinking he’d lose that shit in his high school years.

yet, the weirdest part? he was in the deepest relationship with you.. so why didnt either of you fuck just yet? he didnt know. at least, not then. now? it was because he was so busy and trying to better himself, yet, he also was picky about how he wanted to take your v card.

what got him was the fact you were simply in some old clothes that had became just the right fit on you, they used to be baggy and his clothes. (until you came into his life and stole them from him.) that was all it took, him seeing you in clothes that hugged you.

sure, he could see your suggestive pictures to him and possibly beat his cock to it, he did it in endeavors’ agency. but now? he wasnt shy, it was just new.

but your inside hadnt felt new to him, his chin pressed against your forehead and he grunting each thrust he pushed into you. the way his arms caged you in and he could barely even keep his composure up. he wasnt too vocal, yet. buutt, his face gave it all away for him.

maybe it was the way each moan you garbled, he feels you tighten up around his cock. maybe it was the way you scratched at his back when he hit that random creamy spot and hes just enamored.

maybe its the way you chant his name, “katsukikatsukikatsuki!” so much, you squeal when he grips your hips, and whimper when he growls.

“fuck, are you s’pposedta be this tight?” he groans, forcing both of you to look where you both meet and watch his cock sink into your cunt, only having his jaw drop and practically drool onto your stomach.

if this is what pure sex felt like, he needed to make you feel like this each every day. but he could only come down from his high when you feel him shoot ropes, him biting his lip until blood draws and he has to pull himself away.

“was that good for ya’?” he asks, pressing your back against his chest and kissing your shoulder. he could only know if you told him, since he just started fucking only thirty minutes ago. hes watched porn. sure, but you werent no average girl he could just apply that to.

“yeah, it was really good, for our first time ever.” you say, him nodding and pressing a finger into your walls. you tense up, him drawing it out and inspecting.

“youre not bleeding, anymore.” he mumbles, a tinge of fear yet relief. you shoo him, reassuring and giving him kisses. “yeah, yeah, i know its normal.”

no he didnt, because he never wants to make his beautiful girl bleed, ever.

yet, he needed more.

[angelicblondie]

what about luke castellan x ballerina!reader but she had to give up ballet when she went to camp and he like finds her dancing in the forest one night. maybe when he’s a little busy with like backstabbing everyone but yk🤷‍♀️

(like meet me in the pale moonlight or tomorrow never came coded like ughh😩😩)

wait...i adore this. as a dancer this made my heart actually jump for joy.

every night, luke was plagued with dreams. the not good kind, more specifically.

it started a few months ago. the deep ancient voice of a titan long imprisoned would echo through his mind, urging his darkest desires of revenge and shameful need for power to the forefront of his thoughts. he was angry, angry at the gods for ignoring him and all their other children. he wanted to stop this system, he was full of bitterness.

so the voice in his head was appealing. he knew that it probably wasn't morally good to listen to the evil titan kronos, but then again, if it all ended up with the system of the gods abolished, he could live with that.

but anyways, the point is, dreams invaded the peace luke found in his unconscious state, and sometimes, it was too much. sure, he agreed with the titan, but he wasn't ready to abandon home and betray his friends, not when they were the only ones who accepted him. he couldn't do that, no matter how much to words appealed to him.

so, when the hermes cabin felt suffocating, and his mind was reeling, late at night, luke would venture off into the woods.

luke felt at comfort with the odd eeriness that filled the late night air - he didn't jump or flinch at the sounds of leaves crunching or bushes rustling - he felt at peace with the scary.

that was, until he saw footsteps in the mud.

curious, luke followed the trail, until he reached an more open area of the forest, and he leaned up against a tree, taking in the sight in front of him with pure curiosity.

there you were, wearing grey sleep shorts, a black tank top, and a pink cardigan, dancing in the middle of this forest.

you seemed to be in your own world, sneakers planted in the ground as you did some simple plies, and luke watched, transfixed by the sight. your hair was tied up by a pink ribbon, and you had the most peaceful expression on your face, not one luke had ever seen before.

you were relatively new to camp, only having arrived in the past year. you were quickly claimed by your mother, aphrodite, and gained a fast group of friends and a positive reputation. luke and you hadn't talked much - sure, he gave you your tour, and the two of you had got on quite well, but once you got claimed, he didn't have much time to talk to you, given the rapid enthusiasm of your siblings.

he didn't know you were a dancer, a good one in fact. you elegantly pranced around, your feet moving quickly yet gracefully. luke was mesmerized - he had never really seen anything like it, like you. you seemed so free - so unburdened by the struggles of being a demi god. just you, alone (kind of?), dancing - luke guessed like every other demigod, you had found your own way to feel normal in this crazy world.

eventually, your eyes caught luke, and you stumbled back, imidiatley flushing. gods, you were mortified!

"l-luke? what are you doing here?" you exclaimed indignantly.

luke remained leaned up against the tree, the corners of his lips tilting upwards. "was on a walk, happend to come across you."

you huff. "how long have you been there?"

he shrugs, standing up straight. "not long." he walks forwards a bit, closer to where you stood. "you dance?"

wasnt it obvious? you thought, but awkwardly twiddled your thumbs. "well, used to, i guess. cant really anymore, cause....you know." you say, your voice somewhat shy.

luke humed in recognition. "yeah, the whole demigod thing doesnt help. wouldnt be fun if a cyclops showed up to a rectial, huh?" he said, the dry yet teasing humour in his voice elicited a giggle from your lips. "guess not," you agree softly, your eyes twinkling happily.

luke, feeling a little bashful, rubbed the back of his neck. "uh, your really good by the way. i feel a bit bad interrupting, you were in the zone."

you bite your lip, feeling a bit embarrassed. "yeah well, theres never really time to dance anymore, so i guess whenever i cant sleep i come out here to." you look him up and down. "is that why you're out here? you cant sleep?"

luke hums. "yeah. nightmares," he simplifies, his thoughts being brought back to the reason he left his cabin.

you blow out a breath of air. "hate those," you mumble.

luke observes you. "you enjoying camp?" he asks, changing subject.

you smile a little, nodding. "yeah, its different then what i thought it would be. it actually been really great, my sibling have been super welcoming," you say, your voice sounding so genuine and enthusiastic it was hard for luke not to smile.

his lips quirk up, eyes filled with a bit of mischief. "yeah, well, camp'll do that for you."

you bite your lip, almost as if you were contemplating your next words. "y'know, i haven't seen much of you since i got here. you must be busy."

luke chuckles a bit. "why, have you been looking for me?"

his flirty words heated your cheeks and you let out a nervous laugh. "no!" yes. "i was just wondering."

luke poked his tongue to the inside of his cheek. "right, right."

you talked for a little longer, before luke escorted you back to your cabin. you thanked him with a quick kiss to the cheek before running inside, and luke walked back to his own cabin, distracted from the overbearing titan in his dreams, even if only for a little while.

[itsss4t4n]

I want to play with Percy’s hair until he forgets the weight of the world 😭😭😭 my man fr (fem!reader)

Peace - Percy Jackson x fem!reader

warning: established relationship,percy is a spiderman fan

a/n: I LOVE PERCY SO MUCH OMG! That man deserves some peace istg.

It was the end of July. A few days before the summer session of camp ended and Percy would go back to school while you stayed at camp.

You had had a rather uneventful summer for once and just enjoyed being together, which is why you were now sitting at the beach, his head in your lap. Annabeth and Grover had left about 30 minutes ago, leaving the two of you to watch the sunset by yourself.

Percy had been rather quiet for the last 10 minutes when you decided to ask him about it.

"Hey Perce?"  He hummed in reply not taking his eyes of the waves infront of you.

"You're being uncharacteristicly quiet. Whats going on in that pretty head of yours?"

He finally shifted his eyes from the water up to your face. His brows slightly furrowed in worry and anxiety.

"Dont you think this summer was way to quiet?" You looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean?"

He reached his Hand up to grab yours, that was resting on your knee next to his head, and intertwined is fingers with yours. 

"Just... since i first came to camp i've not had a single year that we didnt have to, essentially, save the world. This just doesnt feel right. I just keep thinking that something is gonna happen."

Your face softens in understanding. Smiling, you reach your other hand down to his hair, softly running you fingers through the black strands, slightly scratching his scalp with your nails.

"I know what you mean. This is really the first year we've had actual peace. But i think we should take advantage of that. Who knows when we'll get this again. Worrying wont do us any good. We should relax while we can. If something does happen, well take care of it when the time comes. Like we always do. Try to relax Darling." 

He hummed again, sighing at the feeling of your hands in his hair. He had always loved when you did that. It wasnt unusual for him to ask you to do it when he was stressed or anxious. It calmed him down more than anything else.

You smile softly, before leaning down to press a soft, upside down kiss to his lips. Percy grinned when you pulled back. 

"Really? The spiderman kiss?" You rolled your eyes playfully. Percy loved spiderman and you had watched his favorite one just a few days ago. "Oh shush."

Chuckling to himself he relaxed back against your legs closing his eyes as you continued to run your fingers through his hair. Your other hand, still holding Percys, was laying against his chest now, right over his heart.

You looked down at him, his bbody and face starting to look more relaxed by the second, smiling to yourself. Your hand tracing over his nose, starting from the tip, smoothing over the worried crease between his eyebrows, up to his forehead before slipping into his hair again. 

Hair that now, in the almost gone sunlight, shimmered with a slight purplish tint. The normal blue undertone of his black hair mixing with the red light from the sinking sun. It looked good.

At this point percy started to drift of to a state between awake and asleep, finally looking relaxed and you shifted you eyes up to the calm water of the long island sound, glowing orange, the sun almost fully gone now. You smiled to yourself thinking of how far youve come and how lucky you were to be here. With your boyfriend and your two best friends. 

You squeezed percys hand with yours, feeling him squeeze back despite not being fully awake.

You were glad that you could make him relax like this. His worry melting away this easily. You felt honoured to be that person for him. 

"I love you Percy" You mumbled no expecting the half asleep waterboy in your lap to even hear you.

Despite that he mumbled back in a daze. "I love you too Sweetheart"

You really were lucky.

[jubiilee13]

JOSH HUTCHERSON. I do badly wanna make a request for Josh from the forger but I must show restraint

Anyways Mike asking you to officially be his gf?

JOSH HUTCHERSON JOSH HUTCHERSON AOQWEIIOWEIOOIAWEFIOFWAEWGAGEHRGAHREW

my husband

anyways here u go pooksters

warnings: female pronouns, fluff, reader has a nightmare, smooching just a lil

I didn’t check spelling on this so if it’s horrible I’m so sorry 😭

--

mikes job was not an easy one.

neither was managing a younger sister.

but thats where you came in.

you and mike had known one another since high school, though you two hadn’t been the closest pair at the time. gentle smiles in the halls and small hellos were about all that went on in your mind.

but not for sweet old mike.

he adored you, every second he got to be in your presence was like heaven.

looking back on it he wasn't sure how you hadn't noticed his longing stares, the blush coating his cheeks, the way he fumbled over his words.

he was in love with you, that was clear to everyone but you.

so when the end of high school rolled around, the two of you fell out of touch.

he was sad, yes, but he had abby to worry about, and some cute girl couldn't get in his way.

so for the next few years nothing happened between the two of you, and he just assumed you had moved away to some far away place. eventually the amount thoughts of you in his mind began to dwindle down, until you only crossed his mind at most 2 times a year.

that was until a few months ago that is...

long story short mike had posted a few flyers about needing a baby sitter for abby, and low and behold someone sent him a message and sweetly said they'd love to meet up with him over coffee to discuss more details.

so thats exactly what happened, mike put on his most formal clothes (which wasnt really much) and began his journey to the coffee shop. He anxiously wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, silently cursing himself for his nervous habits. before he knew it the coffee shop was just ahead, and as he stepped inside it was like his heart stopped beating.

it was you.

He tried to hide his smile but you could read that man like an open book.

The two of you talked for several hours, about the job, about life, about everything.

you could've kept going even, if it werent for mike having to pick up abby from school.

so you bid your farewells and mike informed you that you could start watching abby the following day.

as mike worked each night, you stayed with abby, doing everything with her, and she loved it.

every day she would gush to mike about you, talking about the adventures and fun times the two of you had shared.

mike listened every time as well, and every time he did so he couldnt help but note how his feelings for you began to return.

after all, you were so sweet, so gentle, so... loving.

how could he help it?

every morning after his shift he would come home to find leftovers on the counter, alongside a small handwritten note from you, each time saying something ever so sweet.

on top of that he would also find you dozing on the couch, and every time he saw you sleeping so peacefully he would just admire you for a few moments, always opting to cover you with his jacket or a blanket before he sent himself off to bed as well.

so that brings us to tonight.

mike walks through the door with a yawn, rubbing his eyes sleepily as he places his vest on the coat rack, dragging himself into the kitchen as he picks up your sweet note.

"abby insisted on pizza and spaghetti tonight so take your pick sugar, i hope work was well, i hope you dont mind but i forgot a change of clothes tonight and abby grabbed a pair of your boxers and an old sweatshirt of yours, i just threw it on for tonight, i promise ill get it back to you clean asap! lots of love, - y/n" the note read.

mike cant help but chuckle at your rambling, and he picks up the plate full of pizza and he reaches out to open the microwave but stops in his tracks when he hears something.

something so faint he wasnt even sure he had really heard it.

then it happened again, louder now and mikes blood ran cold.

it was you, your cries.

mike rushes into the living room, and his body visibly relaxes when he finds you still deep in slumber on the couch.

a small frown falls on his face when he notices you squirming, a distressed look across your sleeping features as a few frantic words escape your mouth in slumber.

"no! mike- mike please- dont- i need you mike please" you murmured, so softly that mike was sure he was hallucinating.

still he approached your sleeping figure, his rough hands gently making their way to your shoulders.

“hey hey hey” he whispered as he gently shook you, concern in his eyes.

yet you didn’t budge, body trembling beneath him as small whines escape you, even some small tears slipping past your closed eyes.

he shook you harder now, and he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when you shoot upright, but his relief quickly fades as a quiet sob escapes your lips.

your teary e/c eyes scan over him, almost checking to see if it’s really him.

once your brain finally decides to accept the fact that he’s really in front of you, you fling yourself towards him, more sobs escaping your lips “oh mikey” you cry out.

mike immediately wraps his arms around your torso, one hand moving up to comb through your hair.

“woah woah woah I’m right here pretty girl, I’m here, I’m here” he coos into your ear, holding your trembling frame.

the two of you stayed like that until your sobs turned into small sniffles, your head resting on his shoulder as you took in his scent.

“m’sorry…” you mumble into the crook of his neck

“it’s ok don’t apologise silly, do you wanna talk about it?” he quietly asks you, and you nod.

“I- you died mikey… in my dream… you- you were gone! I- I was so scared… I can’t lose you” you say between hiccups, and he hopes you can’t tell how your words make his heart race.

“im not leaving anytime soon pretty girl, can i tell you a secret y/n?” he asks as he brushes a hair behind your ear.

he chuckles when you nod and cuddle further into him, his face flushing ever so slightly, not that you could notice in the dim light of the room anyways.

“ive been in love with you since freshman year” he murmurs, and with those words your body grows stiff and you sight upright.

“y-you have?” your shaky voice asks

he nods, his orbs locking onto your own, and he goes to speak, his nerves getting the best of him, but before he can you cut him off.

with a kiss.

you had kissed mike.

mike just kissed the love of his life.

the kiss was sweet, gentle, and it seemingly lasted forever.

the two of you eventually pulled away for air, chests heaving as you both gasp gently for air.

you both go to speak at the same time

“I love you so much-“

“I’m so in love with you”

you both gasp at the others words, and you can’t help but giggle.

“so does this mean..?” you question, as you absentmindedly cuddle closer into him

“mean what? that you’re my girlfriend?” he asks gently

“if you want me to be” you say with a smile, awaiting his next words

“well how can I say no to a smile like that?”

—

this is prob really bad I haven’t written in forever but I’m lowkey kinda proud of it for rn, I hope you enjoy!

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

For those who follow the movements & weather of planets, This new moon is an important one let me telling you why .. So in April 2023 the moon cycle got reversed due to their beinng two aries new moons that year, at 0 and 29 degrees. It just times out this way sometimes but what it means is that the moon cycle gets "reversed" & for a stretch of time afterwards , the full moon of month will happen before the new moon instead of after. Ordinarily The new moon should come first in order to set things in motion which come to fruition during the full moon.

The moon is a very personal/subjective planet and represents our deepest inner world, our emotions, our habits, who we are when no one's watching. So what i've heard about the moon cycle reversal is that it may have been really difficult to get in the /flow/of things since spring 2023, Like every time U try to make progress with something, external things keep coming up and halting your flow, its been harder to get anything done or feel like "yourself"!

i actually wasnt aware of the cycle reversal until a few weeks ago but for me it made SO many things click like. Spring 2023 was a definitive marker for when "The Trials" really kicked off for me >_< its been so hard to work on music since then, Theres been constantly some shit happening that stirs my emotions, ppl falling out of my life, just like all the DRAMA and shit that felt like it'd come out of nowhere.

But today the moon cycle resets to its natural state as we have the cancer new moon falling between two capricorn full moons, at 1 & 29 degree :) its also neat that its resetting in cancer since cancer is the sign that rules the moon ! So hopefully things will collectively begin to feel more aligned and easy-flowing once again. I suggest journalling & setting intentions if you feel so inclinced !! Or just starting something new in general. 🪷

[princesssmars]

Hello! ^.^ I really enjoy your writing I’m not really sure if your taking requests at the moment but if you are I was wondering if you could write some more poly miraculous ladybug with a fem reader about Adrien, Marinette, and reader cuddling and falling asleep together while watching a movie or talking to each other just some fluffy stuff if it’s not to much trouble thank you! 😊

first off thank uuu for the request i love when yall send stuff in <3 sorry it took so long i was trying to finish my own planned fics and i suck at writing quick but heres a short lil thing <3

sometimes you could swear your girlfriend and boyfriend were telepathic. itd be comforting to know they understood you so well if it wasnt actually a bit terrifying.

it was in the way that for marinettes birthday you planned a small suprise for her at school, only including your most trustworhty friends to help and join so she wouldnt find out, and said girl coming downstairs to the decorated courtyard like it was just a regular afternoon. she did say thanks and give you a kiss on the cheek, but you were still kind of dissapointed.

not to mention that friday a few weeks ago, where after a hard day at school and helping at your parents shops you quickly headed out to get yourself some snacks for a self-care and study night. as soon as you set the bag of goodies on your nightstand, you heard your dog downstairs barking at something. after quickly checking on him and coming back, you let out a shout as two wide and guilty green eyes stare back at you with a mouth full of your pastries. adrien later said he could tell when you would get yourself some snacks to wind down, which didnt help your suspicions.

but besides that, the way they seemed to know what was happening in your brain was an immense relief. it was the last day of junior year and the start of summer break and you couldnt be more relieved. most of your friends and classmates had plans to hang out with each other the next following days, leaving the afternoon to spend by yourself until then.

marinette and adrien had told you that morning that they'd likely be bisy that night with patrols, leaving you to sit in your room listening to music. even though you knew you would see everyone often starting the next day, you couldnt help but feel a sense of loneliness. your partners seemed to be going on more patrols and attacks lately, and it always left a cold feeling in your chest to know they were out risking their lives without you.

you felt yourself nodding off when a force landing beside you in bed makes you jolt upwards, relaxing when you see its just adrien still in his chat noir suit. mari is still suited up as well, dropping a baby pink tote onto your tv stand.

they tell you theyre sorry for being away so much and wanted to make it up to you, bringing a few of your favorite movies and maris favorite blanket that smells like strawberries.

after changing into pairs of pajamas they left at yours and snuggling into bed with you, you fall asleep to the sounds of a movie about a girl falling in love in paris, while you cuddle up with the two people who have made you do the same.

[natriae]

chapter 2

masterlist

--------------------------------------

August 13, 2013 10:02pm

Before you knew it your front was pressed against the familiar beige walls of Wakatoshi's room. You could feel his strong chest pressing against your back and his hands roaming around your sides. Thick fingers pressing into the side of your stomach not letting you get out of his hold. His head was in the crook of your neck and his gentle kisses completely took your thoughts away from the hard feeling you felt on your butt.

Just moments ago you were celebrating Wakatoshi's 19th birthday with his mom, but now his mom was at the neighbors probably drinking to celebrate the fact that she was free to no longer mother Wakatoshi. It's not like she did anyway. But now her son was was turning his girlfriend of two year into nothing but a cock slut.

His kisses dropped lower and lower until he began unzipping your dress. He kissed every ounce of skin that was in his line of sight. Before you knew it Wakatoshi was on his knees taking off your dress fully. He bit your butt and then kisses it right after. Just like he did your whole relationship. Always making you feel like the second choice but then making you feel like a delicate flower whenever he had free time. His hands trailed back up your body as he rose back on his feet. His large hands turned you around and then pressed you back into the wall.

"take off you clothes too it's not fair," You said to him when he brought his face so close to yours your noses were touching. He picked you up and brought you over to his bed. He lifted his shirt over his head and as far as you could tell his face started to heat up. Unable to believe you guys have come this far your face began heating up as the strong man came back down to kiss you. His kisses felt like kissing a cloud. Everything about him was strong, rough, and calculated, yet his lips were only calculated. They would kiss you with the right amout of pressure and he'd never feed into the urge to kiss you senseless.

He separated from you a gazed into your eyes. Do you want to continue? Nodding your head he dropping his head back down and left you one last kiss. He started kissing down your body again hands going under you to unclip your bra. Once it was off he kissed both of your breasts.He put one in his mouth and looked up at you while sucking on your breast. I'm I doing this right? Leaning back you put one of your hands into his hair and began to massage his scalp. He continued sucking and now pinching your nipples. Feeding into his needs he kissed down your body once more. His thick fingers began working your panties down your body. Once they were off he threw them across the room. He must have been really needy. He never feed into the self pressure, but throwing your panties across the room showed that it was eating away at him. When it came to you he would feed into all his needs just to please you.

Gently he lifted your leg and started kissing at your foot then your calf then your knee, and your thigh. Sucking a little harder ag the thigh to leave a hickey. He then repeated those steps down your other leg till he got to you glistening pussy. He loved you. He loved your mind, your body, and your soul. He wanted to be connected with every part of you. He started to gently kitten lick at your pussy trying to copy what he had seen in porn. It felt great but you could tell he was hesitant with his moves. He lifted his head up and his eyes showed and emotion that he would only share with you. Ushijima Wakatoshi didn't know what he was doing and he was looking for someone else to help. For once in his life he wasnt confident in what he was doing. "How can i properly please you," he asked quietly. Worried that someone else would hear the big man failing at something. I want everything to be perfect because you deserve it.

Sitting up on the comfy bed your brought his much bigger hands to your clit. "Feel this," He nodding his head once. Your face heated up again at your next statement. "This is my clit," taking a deep breath before continuing, "it feels really good when you rub it liked this," you took his index finger and began rubbing small circles on the little bean. It was cute to see his face focusing so hard to please you. Once he got the hang of it you took your hand off his and began whimpering quietly. He seemed shocked by this and his hand slightly stuttered and he looked up at your face like a cute puppy. Am i doing good? Nodding your head you smiled lightly at the now man. He brought his right hand to your little hole and began to slowly put his middle finger into it. Every few seconds he would look up at you to make sure you were enjoying it. God he was to good at this. He asked if he could add another finger and then did so when you said yes. Your breathing started to pick up and your whimpers turned into slight moans.

But the it all stopped. Lifting your self up for the second time that night you looked between you legs to see Wakatoshi staring at his fingers. You leaned over to his night stand and turned on the lamp to see properly. He was still looking at his fingers and you could properly see the few streaks of blood over his index and middle finger. His eyebrows were scrunched together in worry.

"it's normal. I'm okay I promise," you said as you grabbed his face so he looked at you in the eyes. "I've never had sex before," you whispered to him.

"i haven't either," He responded to you. You grabbed his shirt that he had threw off and used to it wipe his fingers. He still looked cautious not sure if he should continue.

"come here," you grabbed his biceps to lead him where you wanted him to go. He came up and sat on his bed. His back was leaning on his headboard as he sat up. You tugged on his pants begging him to take them off. Ushijima wasn't one to tease but you could see that he enjoyed slowly taking off his athletic shorts and then taking off his boxers. He knows you wanted him to take the both off at once. Taking a deep breath you eyes zoned in on his cock. It was huge, and your not sure it would fit, but not wanting to give Wakatoshi the wrong impress you climbed onto his lap and brought your forehead to his. Looking into his eyes you slowly sunk down trying to fit it inside you. Tears started to build up in your eyes at the stretch.

It hurt how could anyone actually enjoy this. Taking a deep breath you tried to calm your heart rate to prevent you from crying more, but it burned a lot the more you tired to fit it in. A large, rough hand grabbed the side of your face and pulled you head up to look at your boyfriend in the eyes.

"relax and take it slow," please don't force yourself because it hurts me to see you in pain. He held your face so you could do nothing but look into his eyes. His eyes looked like boba pearls and if you looked hard enough there were little stars in his eyes. His eyes held so much, but he said so little. Wakatoshi wasn't that good with people so he'd often watch those from a far, and then try and get close to them once he felt confident enough in knowing their personality. He did that with you, and once he started getting closer to you he noticed that he could calm you down with just a look. You would get so lost in his eyes he'd stop talking because he knew you weren't listening.

Looking into Toshi's eyes made the whole world stop. You stop feeling the pain inbetween your legs and it started to feel better. It felt so god damn good you never wanted to take his cock out. Once your hips finally met his he wrapped his arms around your body and flipped you guys over so he was on top. He didn't start moving till he saw your tears stop. Slowly he moved his hips out and then brought them back in. Soon enough Wakatoshi was quietly groaning and eventually started to take deep breaths out of his mouth. You couldn't help but moan everytime your 'toshi slammed his dick back into you. Your legs began to shake around his back, and you knew you were done for the minute you looked at his abs tighten everytime he thrusted. How did you get so lucky. You can feel every vain and the difference in size where the mushroom tip met the long length of his cock. Tighting up around him you suddenly felt like you were gonna pee, but it was more then that. You were horny and you didn't care entirely all that mattered was that it felt good, and you didn't want him to stop. "ple-please waka don't- baby don't stop please," you whined moaning and taking deep breaths in between in your sentence.

"baby," he said quietly. So quietly you probably wouldn't have heard it if his head wasn't right next to your ear. "i'm gonna come. you're so tight," Not wanting him to leave you tightened your legs around his back and squeezed your pussy a little bit more. You were so close and you wouldn't let him get away now. He lifted himself up and placed both of his hands on either side of your head. His head was facing the upper wall behind you and his eyes were closed. He looked so good right now. Sweat was dripping down his body and the further you went down the hotter the sight.

A six pack and a perfect V-line. Dark olive colored hair started at his belly button and lead to an even bigger patch of hair that surround his fucking gift of a cock. God definitely has favorite, and Ushijima Wakatoshi is one of them. Harder grunts took you out of your thoughts and you look up to see 'toshi absolutely losing his composure. That was the last straw you felt everything burst and Wakatoshi felt a warm liquid hit his lower stomach. You've never moaned this loud when you masterbated alone, but something about him brought out a side of you, you didn't know existed. As you squirted Wakatoshi's dam broke too and he halted his thrust to try and force his dick into you as deep as you could. Cumming inside a pussy was much better then just cumming on his hand. Still trying to ride out your high you hold on Wakatoshi's shoulders tightened and your nails clawed at the perfect skin. You swear all you senses were heightened and you could feel his cum flow deeper and deeper into you.

Eventually Wakatoshi collapsed on you and he slowly took his cock out as much as you didn't want him too. He moved over next to you on his bed and ceresed your face. His breathing was heavy and he's never looked more out of breath. Turning over you leaned your head on his pec and brought you arm to rest on his chest. His arm on the side you were leaning on wrapped around you body and he held you as you fell asleep.

-------------------------------------

November 14th, 2013 6:30 am

You woke up after feeling something missing in the bed you were sleeping in. It smelled like Wakatoshi but you couldn't feel him. Groaning you wiggled around in the bed searching for the large body. The harsh sunlight was peaking through the blinds and you were left with no choics but to open your eyes to search for the ace.

"jima," you said yawning not soon after. "' jima where are you," finally getting up and sitting upright on the bed you hear the sink in his bathroom turn off. He was already dressed and ready for his run. The purple track suit hugged his body and he walked around the room looking for his fitbit. He threw your panties off his desk and directly at you. Did he even notice you were there? "'jima where are you going?"

He huffed and then he said, " to practice." short and to the point. Not surpising. " you should clean up and go home. Can you put my sheets in the washer too before you leave," He took a few big steps and was out the door before you knew it. No kiss goodbye. No please after he asked for a favor. He didn't even ask if you were okay. That's when his statement came back to you when you guys were talking about college outside last night.

"'jima don't you think that's a little far," you had asked.

"it"s for volleyball. They are a good school and they want me,"

"i know but you promised we'd go to college together,"

"yes, but Volleyball comes first then you."

Volleyball comes first then you. You spent all of highschool trying to get him to focus on you, but now that you think about it you were never his first choice. You can barely walk right now and he just left. Limping to the bathroom all you can feel is the pain in between your legs and you the dried cum that was actually extremely uncomfortable. How could he be so loving last night and then just leave.

That was the last time Ushijima saw you. You left him a note and nothing more. The next day you packed up your stuff and moved to Tokyo. You stayed in a Hotel for a while until you could find a proper place to live and a job. It wasn't long until the morning sickness hit and the emotional pain and stress over Ushijima. From what you know he hadn't even reached out to your parents. He didn't care.

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tags: @mineta-phobic @rukia-uchiha-98

<prev | next>

thoughts? this probably one of the longest fic i've every written and my first smut. I hope i did a good job :))

[bellarkeselection]

Hey i was wondering if you could do a spider man (aka peter parker short

Where y/n has been hurt . And he thinksnits his fault but she Reassures him it wasnt his fault

Nothing is your Fault

The city streets were extremely busy as usual. With everyone moving about like they were all in a rush with no patience. Most of them running late and the others not really giving a crap. Regardless that didn't help when I had a twisted ankle that I had yet to get checked out by a doctor. I had been super busy with trying to decide what I was going to college for and helping my secret superhero boyfriend. I have been dating him for two years but I won't lie that it was a surprise when he revealed to me that he was what people were calling Spider-Man. During my walk someone dropped down behind me where I spun around on my feet seeing it was my boyfriend Peter. "Hey baby, I was doing some patrol and I saw you were limping. Is everything okay?" He ran a hand through his hair slumping his shoulders walking up to me smiling in concern.

“Oh uh thanks for checking up on me, Peter. But seriously everything is fine. I just needed a walk to clear my head. So how was the patrol?” I asked shrugging my shoulders where he started walking right beside me. Since he was taller I had to walk every two steps to his one just to keep up. He pushed his hands inside his pockets sending me a cheeky look. I could tell he enjoyed that we could talk about his secret double life since he couldn’t tell anyone else. “It went good. Nothing much really happened except for some traffic lights being out. Are you sure you’re alright because you are limping on that leg. Did it happen from the other day we went out swinging?” Peter asked a second time gently holding my forearm seeing that I was putting most of my weight on my other foot. Dropping my gaze to the ground I sighed in defeat remembering that we went web swinging a few days ago. I accidentally fell onto the floor of his bedroom a little hard where we almost got caught by his aunt May. “I landed hard on my ankle that day but I didn’t start feeling any pain until today. Now I’m sorry for not telling you but it will go away when I put some ice on it because it is juicy sprained.”

Suddenly before I had any real time to react Peter wrapped an arm around my waist tugging me closely into his embrace. He quickly looked around making sure no one was paying close attention before he shot some webbing out of his blasters. We swing from a couple buildings until we swing inside my bedroom window that I had left opened cracked since I was expecting him to come by later. “Look I am so sorry now I am going to take care of you. Because this is my fault and you’re my girlfriend.” He sat me down on the bed lifting my foot up so it was elevated on the pillow. He came back from the closet wrapping me in a blanket where I could see that he was starting to pace back and forth in a nervous manner. “Peter, hold up. This is not your fault. Come here sit.” Grabbing one of his web shooters I was fixing I shot some at him tugging him into my bed where he fell down beside me. Moving my hand up to his face I smiled laying my head on his chest. “You don’t have to blame yourself. It’s just a light sprain on my ankle. I’ll just put some ice on it for a few days. Now just cuddle with me please.” He nodded wrapping his arms around my waist where I snuggled into his embrace. “I’ll be more careful next time we go web swinging Y/n. I promise that.” He mumbled into my hair before I gave him a soft kiss smiling back at him.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

@makeshift-prime @rosie-posie08 @mcugeekposts

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA, (or, was I) for only taking one cat with me?

will explain the title as i go. also, this is about something that happened like a year ago but it still weights on my mind. backstory-ish first, so sorry for the length of the text.

I (20+) moved out a little more than a year ago to my first own apartment. My siblings moved out before i did, so now my moms living with only her boyfriend and the remaining cats. We had four cats before i moved out, all of which are allowed to go outside (i know, outdoor cats, they have been all my life and i didnt realize the danger they were in & being for the local environment when i was a kid). My new apartment is on the second floor. When i moved out, i decided to take one cat with me, because he really kind of imprinted on me since he was a baby and would constantly follow me around. And while i didnt like the thought of forcing an in&outdoor cat to suddenly only be indoors in a smaller space than our house was, i figured it would be fine if its him.

one of our other cats, which we got a few years after we got the cat i took with me, also really liked to spend time in my room and with cat 1. We got cat 2 from the animal shelter after his previous owner, an old lady, got dementia and had to give him away.

my mom and her boyfriend suggested i take both cats with me and not just one. i didnt want to for a few reasons:

(1. i wasnt sure how much cat 2 would like suddenly being an indoor cat in a smaller space bc he spent like 50% of his time outside and the other 50 in my room, 2. i wasnt sure if the apartment would be big enough for two cats 3. i wasnt sure how hed adjust to yet another new living place, because he took some time adjusting when we got him from the shelter and would meow/yell a lot when no one was with him until he got used to his new home. when i moved out i was about to start a new job training-ish thing which required me to not be home for some hours 5 days a week so the cats would be on their own a lot. and reason 4., which is were i felt kinda selfish: cat 1 is a shorthair cat and cat 2 a maine coon so all my clothes and stuff would be full of hair all the time, even when we tried to prevent it. i didnt really care as a child growing up bc we had a lot of long hair cats but i was kinda thinking that a new space with less cat hairs on everything would also be kinda nice)

i only told my mom and her bf reason 1, 2 & 3 bc i felt like a dick for reason 4. i love all of our cats a lot and leaving any of them at my moms place was really difficult because i was just so used of them always being there all my life. my mom told me after i moved out that cat 2 was still around my old room a lot and started spending even more time outside bc me and cat 1 weren't there anymore. and while hed start purring and cuddling when they pet him outside, he wouldnt spend time with them on their laps or on the couch a lot bc hed just get up and go somewhere else a lot of times.

thats kind of the backstory for this.

now for the (additional) reason i feel like i could be the asshole: my mom and her bf started going on trips a lot like 2-3 years ago, and he only moved in once i had moved out. so whenever they were on trips or she was visiting him, id take care of the cats and cuddle and play with them. once i moved out, they redid parts of the house (kitchen & bath) and got a lot of furniture from her bfs home. her bf likes the cats too, but he doesnt want them to be inside the house that much when they arent there bc he thinks they shed hair everywhere and could damage his furniture or something? so when they went on their next few trips, the 3 remaining cats would mostly be outside with access to a kind of sunroom? attached to the house. and either my grandparents or a friend of my mom would come and feed the cats every day.

me and my siblings didnt really like them suddenly having to be outside so much when it was normal for them to be inside the house even when we weren't home for all of our lives before that and told our mom too (by now she has seen our point and convinced her bf to let them be inside more so its getting better over time. but i wish we would have gotten our point across sooner.)

during one of their trips near christmas last year, when one of her friends was taking care of the cats, cat 2, the maine coon, disappeared. we dont know if he ran away or someone took him because his fur is so pretty or if he got into an accident. my whole family was really sad about him being gone and kept hoping hed come back and asked around irl and online if anyone had seen him. to this day, he hasnt been found. and i know that thats a (unnecessary) risk you take with outdoor cats. and that it was my moms and her bfs decision to keep the cats mostly outside and go on 1-3 week-long trips. but i still blame myself for not just taking him with me to my new apartment. looking back on it, all the reasons i had dont seem to have any weight at all and if i had taken him with me, hed still be around and id know hes healthy and doing good. and he wouldnt have been separated from me and his cat buddy.

so, was i the asshole for not just taking him with me to my new place when i moved out?

pet tax (in order):

What are these acronyms?

[joelletwo]

wrestling with the 4devas bitchslap again to convince myself its fine if graveyard wins the best ep tourney: it's not the other bloggers who are wrong, it's me

not a complete response to but definitely in conversation with and asking some of the same questions again as @reductionisms's 4devas essay, which tries to square gintoki's "life doesn't need to be fun, i just need you to live" being a series-sanctioned message he's given to villains as an arc-concluding moral continuously up until 4devas with it here being an incorrect worldview that needs to be (physically) corrected by shinpachi, the straightman tonal signpost of gintama

a conflict i have been perplexed by ever since i got to this line on my first watch a year or two ago, since i've seen this line before! all over fandom! as part of the general "dont [bottom text] kill yourself" motivational messaging of gintama that i love!

and, briefly, when i hit 4devas i was also in the middle of being really frustrated by the new arc pattern i was seeing crop up: i loved the villains-turned sympathetic-turned someone worth saving by gintoki tune of the first half of gintama, but it fell massively flat for me in Yoshiwara in Flames, where i was never convinced to be on housen's side but had to watch him get a heartwarming redemptive death at the side of the woman he abused anyways.

then shortly after i had the same exact experience in Red Spider with jiraia, and i thought, if this is what gintama is gonna do with its shitty dudes from now on im gonna quit the fucking show. and then shortly after that i met jirochou and saw him cut down otose the woman he loved (under a raining sky!!! the fucking sky motifs!!! the signpost im about to watch a dude be shittily violent to women and be expected to feel sorry for him about it) and saw too much red to really take in the rest of the arc level-headedly or care about anything in it lol.

so it was written off in my mind as the 'otose almost gets fridged' arc until i rewatched it this week. then i had to remember, oh yeah, there's a ton of political maneuvering fakeouts in this arc that i never actually squared back with how the plot presented itself prior to the reveals, so i'd still been thinking about the "fakeout" plot. then i read the manga version with all the "truths" in mind from the start, and finally i felt like i could understand what this arc is doing a little better.

(way) tldr (4.4k words. sorry): do i love this arc? eh. do i still hate it? eh. but it's doing stuff!

first, i was able to see an echo in all the "actually i was planning to betray you the whole time" "actually i was working to help you the whole time" plot beats of what sorachi does with the larger edo/universe story further into the back half of the manga. if i ever sound like i didnt enjoy or wasnt convinced by the execution of these "reveals," it's because i didnt and wasnt, lol. but it's fun that he had fun with them i guess.

the arc starts with pirako ingratiating herself into yorozuya, then having a classic "bump into you and pretend to be injured to extort you" encounter w her dad's gang. to resolve this without escalating into violence, gintoki... does it back to them, which is really funny. but thus the tone is set for the arc of: DISHONEST APPROACHES TO CONFLICT.

pirako isnt honest about her overall intentions the, like, seven different times that she "admits her real ones." kada plays at peacekeeper in the devas while being the ultimate person scheming to get the upper hand over everyone else in the end. (she's also secretly harusame, evil amanto outsider who acts as a unifying force for the kabukicho fighting itself to band together against and expel: sorachi's favorite move! the problem was never internal, it's the shadowy REAL antagonists who infiltrated us)

jirochou and otose are ultimately doing a pantomime of conflict to try to keep temperatures down and escalations from breaking out, so no one they care about has to get hurt. gintoki doesn't know this until the end, but he follows in their footsteps after his encounter with them in the graveyard: he plays at having given up to the rest of yorozuya so they'll leave and escape the coming kabukicho war, the same thing otose was trying with him. it fails both times. i'm really not sure why gintoki and otose thought it would work, honestly. they should know their kids are stubborn as hell.

but gintoki is in a bind because of the things he needs to protect, and all of his actions are primarily in service of that, to the detriment of how he'd prefer to act if he were less restricted. he is unsurprised and unoffended to hear saigou is only willing to warn them, not help them, because her son is in danger if she acts directly. all four devas are, seemingly, being mutually restrained this way, holding back even when blatantly manipulated to do so. the other constant of this arc: everyone is dishonest, and no one wants to risk losing what they have.

gintoki understands that! of course! he's had to make that calculus before, after all :)

and this arc is just one big cliff scene echo: the entire graveyard scene pushing gintoki to emotional regression because he thinks he's losing another parent figure, one he's just seen the Gintoki Figure of the arc cut down, no less (takasugi stolen valor when he goes berserk against him and only ends up uselessly bleeding out on the ground about it, honestly). otose goes into this willingly so gintoki can live. he accepts this decision because he values protecting her values (her kids living on) and is briefly broken by it (the story says, before giving him shinpachi to "put him back on track"). prior to the bitchslap, after saying he just wants them to live, even if it has to be without him, he says:

i dont have a good understanding of when we start getting reveals of gintoki's backstory versus foreshadowing because i went into gintama already knowing most of it, but definitely by the recent red spider where we get our first real look at (or really, first listen to) shouyou. but here we actually get some of what gintoki felt about it, which he keeps closely guarded even when the whole truth comes out: he's done his best to survive having lost, but it was so unbearable he can't face losing again.

(also, honorable mention backstory echo, the person calling him a brother sets his home on fire to drive him and his parent figure out of town. as i liveblogged: this one would really hurt gintoki if gintoki cared about anything oboro ever did!)

but with the shinpachi story-rerouting, they get the good end, keep everyone (otose, yorozuya, all of kabukicho, even pirako and her dad - everyone but kada) safe without having to sacrifice a single thing, even keep gintoki hopeful for this outcome. so, as goose points out, we are left to understand that there could have been a good end on the cliff, that something is different here than there, and, skipping a lot of math, that that is the people around gintoki.

which i do find really funny to imagine as a slam on takasugi and katsura. sorry you kids suck too much, your teacher dies bc u were cringefail. but lets look at it.

everyone is dishonest, no one wants to risk what they have: gintoki rallies himself to keep fighting but is determined to do it alone. kagura and shinpachi fight him on this; they can't leave because they don't want to lose their home, they can't let him fight alone because they don't want to lose him. they're just as restricted by what they have to keep safe, but their only option is to act where everyone else's is inaction. shinpachi says:

if i may skip over the bitchslap itself for now, gintoki does consent to let his allies fight with him after it. yorozuya stands alone against saigou, who's heavily demoralized but resigned, strongarmed into fighting them by the threat to her son. but on seeing their resolve to keep protecting their own precious home and family she says:

and, to skip straight to my thought, i think this is what turns the tides back in their favor. there are more twists and turns to the fight. pirako equates what binds saigou, which she herself equates to what binds the yorozuya, to what binds her:

(with an intentional distinction that she's willing to actively destroy the others', as opposed to their purely self defensive fighting, which is echoed at some point in her distinguishing gintoki from jirochou in the same way, that jirochou not only lives to protect like gintoki but is willing to destroy in the process. i don't find that part as interesting, but it's more fuel to the power of having something to protect as a driving force as an arc theme.)

so now all three stand on the same ground, absolutely unwilling to give up what they hold dear, but all their cards are on the table. they aren't dealing in 12 dimensions of tricksy defensive pre-emptive moves anymore. they know it wouldnt work, anyways, since they all know their drives to protect are the same and no one will be talked into backing down. now they can directly duke it out and let the winner be determined that way, on strength of will. even before the actual circumstances change, the fight somehow feels freer seeing how inevitable it is. and with everything out in the open, yorozuya can now protect each other and saigou's son, taking out one side of the conflict.

(and with everything out in the open, the ultimate 4devas villain can become the single person who continues to betray the others, kada, whose further machinations - with everything out in the open! - saigou (and later yorozuya) can choose to protect pirako from. everyone wins! because everything was out in the open! do you see where i'm going)

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the arc is rerailed to the better outcome. so is the correction justified?

what does the correction accomplish outside of its moment? most convincingly to me of goose's presented options, i also think it's done as a thematic shift, a, okay, just live was a strategy that worked before but now doesn't suffice, so we need something more.

as to why this is needed now and not earlier or later...tldr bad planning <3 but like.

we have, prior to this, a consistent thrust of arcs where gintoki teaches people to lose. as well, while we meet the harusame and we visit space and we get the barest glimpses of takasugi's weird shadowy background moves there, largely we're dealing with kabukicho characters and kabukicho stories. we see or only hear about the shogun for short comedic moments only. we've largely dropped the series intro focus on things like the shinsengumi or hasegawa acting as foreign diplomats. it's a local series, a hometown series, a kabukicho and not even an edo at large series, a personal story about gintoki making personal connections with his personal experience as a flawed person with a flawed approach to life that has let him, chronic slacker, get by on the bare minimum.

at this moment, chapter 300, we have a slow trickle of gintoki backstory starting to come out to us. we've recently expanded the story focus to include yoshiwara, which gets a callout in this arc by kada to keep it relevant. we have an arc of sorachi testing out plot beats that he'll use again for the endgame, in all the political maneuvering and alliancing and betraying and shadowy outsider space governmenting, where he's also doing a lot of echoing of that backstory that only becomes clear later. so it's possible he's thinking about shifting gears and setting up for the eventual endgame, which means getting out of the episodic cycle so things can stick.

and after this arc, to my opinion and memory, we stop getting the classic gintama flavor sympathizable'd antagonists. a lot of the bigger arcs don't even have clear Big Shot antagonists anymore, being more about the shouyoucore theme of characters fighting against themselves, or if there is one they're always explicitly part of the Shadow Government now, a unified and more daunting force than someone they can win over with an inspiring gintoki interaction.

so 4devas does act as a turning point at least in some way. and it's not possible to say this definitively, since all gintama arcs are ultimately never going to be about gintoki or his friends Actually losing something instead of beating the odds, but it does feel like theres a different flavor to, say, dekobokko with its direct look at how chars lives could be different and better and they will still choose to keep struggling as themselves. and Kintama arc definitely doesn't feel like an early days arc, like it can only resolve the way it does with a gintoki who is now able to face his past and the possibility of losing again and again and again (now with, natch, his faith that yorozuya will by his side when he does).

why now, after 300 chapters of letting it sit ignored in the back of his brain working out perfectly fine except when it doesn't (the very reminder of shouyou in a fight making him go Demon Mode, which is like regular gintoki but worse at fighting, bc he is so unprepared to think about shouyou)? well i personally am in big favor of the "take a decade off" strategy for facing problems. it worked for me too. realistically watsonianly its nice to let things percolate in the brain and do some of the processing behind the scenes until its less immediately painful. and he's made many bonds over these 300 chapters, shown in this arc when the whole town rallies behind him, that are there to support him when he needs it now and weren't there before.

realistically doylistly eh. bad planning.

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the series as a result is rerailed to a writing space where things can start changing (leave the episodic, as you guys say, sazae-san format). it's useful in the future. so is the correction justified in terms of what comes before it? was the correction needed?

thinking about the bitchslap leads to thinking about the cliff scene leads to (sorry kagura and katsura, you guys arent really relevant here) pitting shinpachi and takasugi against each other in how they act with something on the line they can't bear to give up.

i don’t need the lesson of 4devas to apply logistically to the cliff scene. once they were set up on that chessboard, frozen in their assigned places as a backstory, it’s not like takasugi could’ve power of friendship’d his way out of being physically retrained if he decided he wanted to. it’s set up as a forced choice, it has to play out as a forced choice.

but we see that even before it’s asked of him, takasugi is willing, prepared, unbothered to give up his own life for shouyou’s. this is, goose lays out in the sequel, the cardinal sin in gintama - a teacher shouldn’t outlive their student. it would have been especially egregious to shouyou, whose whole desired life’s purpose is to raise students who can outlive him and outgrow him, take his lessons and go out into the world and do their own thing with them. takasugi doesn’t expect to do this and doesn’t seem to see a point in the possibility if shouyou isn’t back with them.

though we can also think of shouyou as a little too quickly willing to give up on the cliff - sorry, gintoki, the suicidal guy has thought about it for .02 seconds and decided the best outcome is for you to kill him even though he could get out of this no problem. maybe its no wonder gintoki gave up too. can we ask katsura what he would’ve done?

and is takasugi different from shinpachi there? he rejects the mentor’s attempt to exchange his own life for his. he’s not willing to consider a life without him.

but shinpachi is convinced no one is going to die. because they’ll be there together. incredibly naive - shinpachi and kagura, restricted to one option by what they need to protect like everyone is in 4devas, have acting as that one option because they are still free in a way gintoki and the other adults aren't. they’ve never actually experienced the impossible choice that forces you to give up, so they can act as if there isn’t one - what else would they do? why would they think to give up?

but gintoki is defined by having lived the impossible choice. its built into the foundation of him as a character and leaks out everywhere. he couldn’t have relied on his friends on the cliff because they were quite forcibly removed from the picture as an option, not by his or their choice. its written as an inevitability, logistics we find out later be damned.

if we refocus to 4devas, we can look at the Gintoki Figure for a different angle. jirochou, after he and gintoki resolve the arc conflict by being able to team up because they - say it with me - put everything out in the open, tells gintoki about his impetus for abandoning his family and coming back to his wayward life in kabukicho, the death of otose's husband.

it's, um, another now really obvious parallel to gintoki, lol. characters talk about how jirochou does everything he does in this arc to try to atone for his failure to both otose and tatsugorou, and i guess thats true bc he was written that way but he has an odd way of showing it, but anyways he resolves that, despite his guilt over this, all he can do now is keep living and keep protecting what they loved together. he's come to the usual gintama message all on his own, reinforcing that this is the correct way to live in this series. he had his own unavoidably shitty situation, and he came to terms with it.

so then where did jirochou go wrong, in the narrative's eyes (other than abandoning one woman and their child to deal drugs in the town of his other woman while ignoring her)? was there a point he could've changed how their trio's story played out? but he loved and trusted tatsugorou, and he was happy to step aside and let him be the one by their otose's side. i doubt he would have been happy stealing her away even if it were possible.

but if we look at the resolution tool of 4devas... he never put everything out in the open!!! everyone knows he loved otose, but in more of an open secret way. in classic romance plot, he never confessed for second male lead rejection closure. indeed, in the closest we ever get to a main character having a romantic plot in gintama, the very ending of the arc flirts with him doing just that now that he's made a little progress with the arc message, with the entire cast of the arc expecting him to (and interrupting before he can).

but if he had when they were young. if he had been honest with his friends. could it have opened up other options that weren't available on his own, that they didnt know to offer? i have a preferred one lol. but u can get creative with all sorts of life paths that avoid tatsugorou dying that way or, at the least, jirochou feeling chained to a shameful life (living in a town he doesn't go out in to protect a woman he doesnt talk to and feeling like he doesnt deserve the family he abandoned for this) because of it.

and then if we take this and rewind back to the cliff... we get to grind my favorite ax, "shouyou shouldve told literally anyone literally anything about his deal." if gintoki knew more about shouyou, they could've faced his horrors together, the whole time. he couldve known that shouyou was being literal calling himself a demon and not internalized his own identity as one for life just because shouyou bonded with him over it. i truly genuinely think the logical conclusion of all of gintama's big messages are that shouyou and gintoki should have been more open with each other.

but i don't think sorachi thinks that. and, you know, by 4devas rules, the unriskable precious things he was protecting by staying silent were his students' humanity, and secondarily his own fragilely newly hopeful heart that literally couldnt stand another 10 millionth round of rejection (killed himself and then went on a 12 year rampage over it. girl i would too).

and takasugi really isn't dishonest about what's going on in his head when he tells us he expects to die for shouyou. that's as cards on the table as i could ask. gintoki is, a little bit, by omission. he does what i'd want him to here - tells takasugi try just not dying - but doesn't give him a reason to, and doesn't tell him he has no plans of letting anyone die for shouyou.

so what goes wrong on the cliff - shouyou is happy, gintoki is happy, oboro's even kind of happy, katsura is irrelevant - is that takasugi is blindsided (whoops) by their silent agreement that betrays the one he thought he and gintoki had. and then ruins everyone's party about it and spends the next ten years doing so for good measure.

which is also, basically, what shinpachi is going through that prompts the bitchslap, too. he thought they were a team, that they had each others backs, not that gintoki is a one-way protector of them. he is blindsided by gintoki lying to and tricking them and hiding things from them. he is hurt by gintoki feeling hopeless all by himself when he could share that with them and be encouraged by their endless child optimism.

and would it need to have changed anything on the cliff? in the moment after the bitchslap, what contributes to gintoki changing his mindset is tama telling him, we trust that you're capable bc youve always shown us that, can you trust us this time? when, later in the arc, gintoki seems to regress by sending kagura and shinpachi away, he asks them to trust that he's still trusting them, relying on them to help shoulder his burden, and in return they know he's staying alive, not self sacrificing. maybe it would've helped just to feel on the same team and not shut out, to be able to trust gintoki like gintoki was trusting shouyou?

so. two paralleled instances of gintoki making a bad situation worse by keeping to himself and being too self sufficient. that feels clear cut that feels fine im okay with that as a takeaway. do i think its exactly what sorachi had in mind while writing this, as opposed to just a good series 'hey lean on your friends' moment to read cool and tug at the heartstrings? eh lol. i think theres definitely room to read takasugi into this arc (i still need to refind the takagin 4devas post...) but its not so baked in that i think he was a PRIORITY in the plotting.

but is the shinpachi SCOLDING necessary is the scolding justified... and yes its in response to life doesnt need to be fun i just want you to live. still a confusing framing i can't immediately square. but/and more immediately its directly responding. to gintoki opening up to them about his insecurities!!

which, as said, he doesnt do!! he doesnt talk about his failures! its basically like, here and to hijikata that one time and otherwise even when we know all the facts about what happened we still never hear gintoki himself talk about it. (so he really DOESNT learn the lesson here either. he stays dissociated and triggered every time utsuro comes up. he tries to solve the altana baby problem on his own. he doesnt talk to his new friends OR his old friends. bwah. gintoki. silver soul.)

so this is like. its just in the wrong order!! its just in a baffling order lol. if you want gintoki to share his burden do you need to punch him when he shares it. does it also need to sound like you're blaming him for not being capable of upholding his promise to protect anyone when thats the insecurity thats got him all discombobulated this arc in the first place (a whole set of notes i took on this that i didnt find a place for in this post)?? its so weeeeiiiiiirddd lol i dont liiikeee itttttt. theres plenty of things shinpachi can validly punch gintoki for but this is such a weird one.

so i guess. having a clearer understanding of this arc do i hate it less? YES honestly. i hate fakeout plots generally they irritate me but everything... more or less makes sense by gintama standards now that i have the whole plot in mind.

do i hate jirochou less SORT OF? i enjoy him. in his individual relationships. i like his shitty dad deal i love shitty dads. i like him pining for otose who genuinely likes him but also brings up her husband every sentence she says to him just to keep him down. i like his parallels with gintoki that they both explicitly acknowledge and find macho comfort in. hes still not theeeeeeeee most well-developed gintama antagonist but you know? i at least think otose and pirako would want to be around him after this.

do i feel like i have a clearer understanding of the bitchslap moment. NOT CONVINCED I DO. i feel like its going to be one of those things that slips in and out of my understanding like sand in cupped hands. i have a tentative understanding of it that i dont think sorachi actually had in mind. so i dont think ive solved it lol.

will i be cursed to think about 4devas forever? god i hope not. am i okay with it beating farewell shins in the polls. god i fucking hope it does. in the horrible timeline where i have to see 305 make it all the way and then lose i guess id rather it be to this one than to hijigin. consider this poll propaganda?

[gamblersdoll]

Omg I asked so many people. Cause I need this. I even asked a mxm blog... Omg I am so embarrassed

Non alcoholic shy reader and neighborhood big bro satoru.

Context.

Reader is new in the building. And the grandma gives her alcohol and alcohol based food. Since the granny is the nicest woman alive. So, reader gives the food and alcohol to gojo. But one day, things escalated and he took her virginity.

he was a big brother to everyone, always preaching wisdom and how to do things in creative and certain ways— since he supposedly “went through the same thing last year or two years ago.”

yet, he had his eyes dead set on you, ever since you moved to the big house that almost everyone wanted. they questioned how you were able to afford it, yet, they praised you more. the house was nice, had a nice pool in the back. with a big, nice balcony overhead the patio. on top of that, it was much more spacious on the inside than out, it almost felt surreal when you stepped in.

and on top of that, you had already liked your neighbors. this one grandmother and gigi next door loved and adored you. you were of age and weening off the liquid alcohol, so you only really ate anything that wasnt too strong or no alcoholic based food or beverages. luckily, you found satoru who actually enjoyed it— she didnt mind, of course. she treated you like her own, always looking forward to sitting with her on a rocking chair drinking a arnold palmer.

yet, you were still excited to see this party down at some house that was obviously satorus’. you did feel nervous at first, no lying there. hell, you were new, so was it a problem?

the wall’s reverberated with the music, the hum and the rough beat pulsing through your veins all around you. you looked around yourself, damn. maybe everyone in the neighborhood was a alcoholic or just turned eighteen. you couldnt tell, the way they had two cups in hand and drank from both of them. on top of that, they mixed white alcohol and brown, like fucking idiots.

yet, again. both his ocean eyes and your colored ones were locked onto each other, leaving leading glances from across the room until he was buzzing to come over to you.

“new girl.” he chortled, leaning down to your face and holding his cup. you smelled it— yeah, that was malibu and henny mixed together.. idiot. he was more than buzzing, drunk even maybe. “you– doing alright?”

“yeah, i’m good.” you replied, watching how the tips of his ears were red and his nose looking like rudolf.

it felt like nothing was ever there, like no one was there. the way his lips crashed down to yours, a hand on your hip and him giggling in the kiss. “been meaning to ask how you greet people!” he tipsily says, ruffling your hair and taking his leave.

yet, something felt like he tells you to follow him.

so you, a girl that was so easy to get her heart racing, followed him to some random vacant room. he only giggled and hiccuped when you spoke about your move and how you only just started your freshman year of college, and he swirled his drink in the cheap plastic red cup.

he nods every now and again, a hand inching up your thigh and resting his head on your shoulder. it got you running hot, feeling how much thicker the air was and how his breathing matched yours. another hand groped a breast, him whining yet moaning at the contact.

his nips at your neck, snickering when you rambled about “what are you doing?” or whatever you said. he didnt care.

he simply knew that it would be a good idea to claim you before anyone else did.

and thats how you got here, a drunken satoru gojo between your legs. ontop of that, he was eating your pussy– no, slobbering all over it. was that what alcohol did to people? make their arousals more potent and make them more nasty than anything? hell if you fucking knew it.

his fingers were covered in what you truthfully believed was his spit, but it was ninety percent spit, ten percent arousal from you. and he piston it into your clenched walls.

he scooted up to your face, leaving a sloppy kiss on you lips, then your cheek as he slips himself in, until you hissed and tapped on him.

“whats wrong?” he asks, stopping himself and looking into your eyes. “too big?”

“no– well, maybe…” you sigh, squeezing your eyes shut and looking away. “just.. go slow.”

his eyes dilate, he instantly knew what that meant.

you were a virgin, and you were allowing hims to take your virgin mary body and ravage it with all of his might. he grits his teeth, keeping himself from groaning and rolling his eyes back.

he does as promised, slipping away into your velvet walls and keeps himself there, allowing your shaking legs to subside and giving pepper kisses along your jaw to soothe your aching. you look up, nodding your head.

“you can, start now.” you pause in between, moaning instantly as you feel him pull away, slamming himself back in.

it felt pornographic the way his thrusts were, the ‘plap, plap, plaps’ that echoed and your moans drowned out by the music of eight bit playing in the back, it also felt so lewd the way your breasts bounced up from the sheer force of the ravaging nine inches he gave you.

and be damned if he could draw a orgasm while having you cream all over him. because thats what just happened whenever he hit that spot that does feel foreign at first, but with the way his mean fat tip was, it felt like heaven. and he was no better, deciding that since it was your first time, he would spurt himself all on your pretty nipples.

yet, usually he never went for the experienced women, because he knows once you start having sex, you crave it more than anything.

fortunately for you, he would enjoy you.

[blitzosicedcoffee]

Ficlet: I Thought I Could Forget You

I love writing ficlets, I'll write angst, I'll write some love too a da da da da I love writing ficlets and today it's gonna be some idiots in love.....

Timeline Summary: Two years after Apology Tour, Stolas and Blitz never talk to each other again. Until today at the park.

"Go to fuck outside", Loona pulls Blitz off the couch and kicks him towards the door. He groans and tries to crawl back to the couch but she blocks him.

"Loonie I don't wanna", he whines, "I just wanna watch the new MLP".

She groans, "We can watch it tonight asshole, you need to touch grass. You've been inside all weekend, drinking off your ass".

"Hey I'm sober today!" He points and she rolls her eyes, reaching out her hand. He groans and hands her the joint from his pocket.

"Weed doesn't count!" He yells and she snorts, "you'll get this back when you come back. I want you out there for at least one hour".

"What! What am I supposed to do for one hour?"

"Stare at the sky! Listen to some birds, get a fucking coffee, I don't fucking care. Just don't come back til you've touched grass", she pulls out his wallet that she keeps from him and hands him a five. He reluctantly takes it and narrows his eyes.

"Fine", he attempts to grab his keys but Loona uses a little levitation spell she learned and keeps them away from him, "uh uh".

He sighs and leaves the apartment, slamming the door. He really needs to rethink this whole 'giving his daughter all his things to hold onto' thing. But to be fair he hasn't exactly been responsible with any of it in the last two years. The van was totaled. They had to get a new car.

Their rent wasnt paid for three months because he spent it all on booze and they almost got evicted. And he almost lost M&M because of his attitude at work. It's been an extremely shitty two years to say the least.

All because of he who must not be named. They don't say his name anymore. He hasn't heard it since maybe a year and a half ago?

Until today.

He walks past a black car dropping someone off at a park and pays no attention to it until he hears someone in the window say,

"Stolas will you be alright at the park by yourself?"

He freezes. Hands trembling. He knows his voice is next. His eyes widen. His hearing dialing in.

"Hah, yes Vassago I shall be fine, thank you. Come back in about an hour". It is him.

Blitz runs, looking for somewhere to hide. He finds a wide tree and attempts to climb up but he gets dizzy and settles for hiding behind it. Staring at the man who he has tried to stop thinking about for the last two years. Prince Stolas. The owl who ruined his life.

He watches him sit down at a bench and pull out a book. Doesn't look like erotica, just some fantasy novel. He looks around. Loona said to look at the sky and listen to the birds but everything feels muted now. There's nothing but him.

He decides to play it safe. He walks past him while he's reading. Slowly. But then he doesn't notice him. He does it again. And again. Then finally he just stands in front of him.

"STOLAS!" He says loudly, startling the owl and he drops his book.

"What-" Stolas starts then Blitz continues, "Fuck I'm sorry..." He bends down to pick up the book and their hands and foreheads touch, and all of Stolas's four eyes widen. Blitz holds the book to his chest.

"Blitz! What a...surprise to see you here", he says softly, with no malice in his voice. It makes Blitz want to throw up. He's been...fine? Wasn't he the one in love with him?

"...yes", was all he could say. Stolas eyes Blitz then the book.

"Right...uh...Blitz do you want to give me back my book?" He asks then blinks as if he realizes what he just said. The same words he said the one night. The full moon.

Blitz swallows and squeezes it tighter, shaking his head no. Stolas reaches out to him, "Blitz are you alri-" Blitz runs with the book. Stolas runs after him,

"Blitz what is this?! That's not the grimoire?" He yells but he continues to run. Stolas breathes heavily as he chases after him, quickly catching up and pinning the imp against a building. His sunhat and polo tossled now.

"Blitz what the fuck?!" He asks desperately. Blitz cries, letting go of the book, letting it drop to the floor. Stolas widens his eyes again and pulls Blitz in an embrace.

"You're...clearly going through something".

"AND YOU ARENT?" he yells, making Stolas step back, "What?"

"I waited for you to call. To answer me. ANYTHING!" I tried to visit you again and again and you-you weren't there. They had to house arrest me because I wouldn't stop trespassing on your palace. No doubt your doing I guess", he says, spiteful and Stolas puts a hand to his chest.

"What?" Stolas replies, "Blitz I was going through divorce proceedings and I lost everything. Everything. Via, my palace, my title, my phone, hell even that obnoxious bag of toys you got me! The only way I was able to live the last two years was because a friend took me in".

"You could have called!" He cries, holding onto Stolas.

"Shhh" Stolas rubs the back of his horns and he feels comfort for the first time in two years.

"With what knowledge my dear? I didn't know where you lived, I didn't have my phone, and you-you were my only friend", he looks down and Blitz's mouth hangs open. He's really been sabotaging himself for the last two years over a misunderstanding AGAIN.

He cries in Stolas's arms a little longer when Stolas's phone pings.

"Shoot, that's my ride", he says, frowning, picking up his book.

Blitz clenches onto his shirt, taking his phone and putting in his contact.

"You better not fucking lose it this time", he squeaks and Stolas smiles, kisses his forehead and turns to leave.

Blitz sits against the wall, rubbing his face, wondering if he can even feel like himself again after the last two years.

[carmenpeach]

hm okay something thats been on my mind for like over a year now. sometime last year? or maybe closer to almost 2 years(!?) i started taking antipsychotics cause i just couldnt stand the paranoia anymore it had been ruining my life and i just could not function as a person and i was sick of the daily panic attacks. but like i thought "if i dont like how this makes me feel, i can stop and just go back to being crazy" and obviously i wasnt enjoying it- mostly it made me feel really numb to enjoyment and i found that my special interests were just becoming background noise for me at most and it was really hard like i didnt wanna draw or even play games it was like "wake up go to work come home smoke weed go to bed repeat"

and it was like my stuffed animals quit feeling like sentient and started to feel like just objects and it made me feel sick. like my toys had always been alive in a way and then suddenly they werent, but thats definitly not the reason i was so distressed being sane, since i know that special objects are bound to over the years not feel like friends etc etc <- mentally ill whatever. it was like there was a sudden wash of clarity over me and i hated it.

like it was like i was split in two in a way, and this is the part thats hard to explain unless you personally know the feeling. a lot of schizophrenic people have this feeling of like another person/ self residing in the back of the head or spine. and it gives this sense of paranoia, of being over your shoulders or under your skin just beneath you. and until a few years ago i didnt know this was something other people felt sometimes, and it was terrifying just feeling this entity of sorts possessing me in a way. i had felt it ever since i was a kid (maybe 9? for sure became a hard issue by the time i was 12 though so you know. early schizophrenia if not life long) but i never mentioned it to anyone for a variety of reasons, primarily because there was this feeling that if i outwardly acknowledged it, then it would know that i knew about it, and it would get me. whether that was killing me, torturing me, pulling me into another dimension, or taking over my body. and after 2 decades it just became part of my every day life, this thing within me that would always look for an opportunity to torment me in some unknown but inhumane way. and it was just this all consuming feeling, even feeling its thoughts inside my head, and not being sure where i ended and it began, and i accepted it as just a part of me for better or for worse.

and so starting antipychotics, they did their job and i felt "normal" and i was sleeping regularily for the first time in my life (would lay awake for hours and hours ever sinde like idk 3rd grade. 5 hours a night max usually and then that was plagued by nightmares. and of course the constant hallucinations and delusions in the meantime made sleep even harder) and i even felt less of that endless anger inside of me. and i hated it. it was like after being on it for idk maybe 2 weeks or a month or something i just suddenly in the day felt this clarity wash over me and just like that, the spine creature was gone. it was quiet upstairs. and ive felt hollow ever since. i quit the medication not long after but ive felt the same. its like it got mad at me and left to teach me a lesson for trying to toy with it. and ive been a half human ever since. its spacious in my body and in my mind, used to holding two people and now its just one. and ive spent so much time trying to induce epiosdes and just hoping(?) it comes back, but it hasnt.

its like im being forced to live as a human when im not. "being human" is this like aspect ive always struggled with, like im not gonna go into it but ive been forced to live as a non human my whole life, and every time i start to feel that feeling of "maybe i could be a person" something fucking outlandish happens and kicks me back down. i feel like a cartoon character the way everything is such a "yeah this sort of shit would happen to me" moments all the time. and like in a weird way, i always had this "evidence" i was a non human, with this otherworldly thing living inside of me and it was me.

for a long time i thought of it as the "original" me before all the events in my life forced me to create a new version of myself, and that it hated me. like i was one person ripped in two, and the part you have now (carmen) is the "active" "half" but its only half of a full person. but the other half certainly wasnt a person either. ive had many theories of what it is/ was, but knew i would never know, all i knew was that i could never acknowledge it. and its funny cause knowing that "its just schizophrenia" doesnt ease that feeling. its hard to explain. but what im getting at is that ive spent the last two years learning to navigate myself as only a fraction of what i was before.

its interesting cause i wouldnt say the insanity is gone, every now and then paranoia rears its head and certain topics that would make me have an episode will still freak me out. but i can walk past mirrors now (mirrors were always a 100% episode inducing thing) and i still sleep regularily and ive been eating stable too. but its still with this feeling of hollowness. im used to there being two people inside my body and now its just one, and its too spacious and its almost like i get lost in there. only one set of thoughts in my head, only one person looking through my eyes, only one person controlling my arms. i always felt like an alien and thought i always would. and i found great joy in embracing my schizophrenia rather than hiding it as some terrible secret. and it was the best thing i ever did for myself, was finally being open about my psychosis. ive made so many meaningful connections to other psychotic people, and im so happy ive met ppl that helped me understand myself and that im not the only one that feels this, and also that ive helped other people realize their own psychosis too.

i thought i could play pretend at being a normal person and go back to myself if i didnt like it, but i ended up staying this way. i know its not impossible for that feeling to come back maybe, but my god its horrifying to lose it the way i did. it feels only the more recent months ive started to adapt to being the only me in my body, and to feel like i could maybe be human too. yeah it was scary, but on the other hand now its kind of lonely in a really weird way, and not something i thought was possible either, i can still feel the impression where it was even as it fills in with my own shape now.

[bambirosedoll]

@bambi-disciple wrote a really good post on BS and if it really works (which ill link to at the bottom of this post), and while i have been on a sort BS hiatus for a little while, i wanted to write a little about some of what i have noticed for me?

At the time when id first run across it, the bimbo and hypno scene were still very cis, het, and essentialist. Most bimbofication material out there was heavily cishet. some the point of being actively transphobic. Hell, tbh a lot of it still feel pretty antitrans... but anyway...

I started listening to BS in April of 2021. I had heard of it before, and might have even listen to the initial release once or twice a few years before but had been a little reluctant to really dive into it. Id played with hypno before (ok, like lots), but BS seemed like it might want to be more extreme than i was ready for and very cis woman centric.

Skip forward a few years, and it wasnt until i started seeing some of the bimbofication and stepfordization creators making more gender inclusive content that instarted feeling a little more comfortable dipping my toe back in.

I am a trans woman. I went on hormones and socially transitioned almost two decades ago and in the kink scene for over three. I knew how to do my makeup and be cute and all those things, but like, i wasnt keeping up with them.

I was needing that internal drive and encouragement to be prettier. To push myself further. So for me it was less about self acceptance as a girl or submissive and more about wanting to be a better good girl. And i figured i might want to check out if BS could help.

Im one of those folks who would check all three of the boxes described by @bambi-disciple - wanting it to happen, beleiving it could happen, ans being aroused by the idea. Even with those they doesnt always mean automatic success. My mind often "stays awake" in trance, i am very reluctant to give up control (even when i think i want to and even to myself), and just a host of other issues which keep me from.being consistent or internal resistance to asepcts to the file. There have been some changes ive noticed tho:

* im much more open with my partners. Im still reclutant or shy to talk about my stuff, because i dont want them to be uncomfortable. But that might be more me projecting on them.

* wearing making up much more constantly again. Almost every day or at least when going out.

* pink. A lot more pink. And much more comfortable wearing pink. Previously it was all mostly black.

* eating healther. I now eat a lot more healthier. Salad are much more common for me. As well dried fruits and the like.

* much more casual in my writing. More willing to make typos and let them slide. More willing to just use txt speak and abbrevations and such.

* more comfort with posting myself on the interent, including a brief stint of doing porn sadly the latest stunt feom my stalker (hi stalker) wrecked the relationship with the studeo i was working with + i simply dont have the time with having to go into work and taking care of the family and home. Still it was super fun.

Those are the biggest changes ive noticed over the past couple years. I havent listen to BS for a few months rn. Im not really sure what my future plans are with it. I will prob stsrt up again at some point, but like i have a lot of upcoming things whjch require a lot of focus. It's like i have this desire to relapse but im holding back? Idk.

As promised, the post link. I didnt repost because it is really long and not under a cut and i wanted to be nice to my followers feeds. Sry. And if u have read this far you should check it out