#and its shit idk how to do myself but everyone is so fucking useless and just wants to do the bare minimum

[oars]

everything is going to make my head explode

[piplupod]

becoming more and more apparent to me that i am well and truly fucked so. that's cool. doing great

[gayspock]

yeh last one

my honest truth is i have never gone back on a thought ive had during whatever the fuck you want to call my little Moments as it were. like ive never had a screaming, crying, throw-up fit about how much i really need to hurt myself and looked back on it and thought i dont any more or regretted feeling like that. idk. embarrassment over the fact i might , when lucid enough to do so, end up going on a little whinge on here (ironically as iam now). cuz god shut up. but i dont rlly take any of that shit back ever. like i can carry that certtainty fucking with me that nothing ive ever been upset over has been something ivve come to think otherwiseon. and idk idk i say this bc idk. something something. i think abt how so often its like yeppp its a mental breakdown, but fucking is it. like is it actually. is it ever. am i irrational. i feel like the only ways in which its truly irrational isthinking it mattered enough to get that worked up in the first place like its ever going to mean something or going to be different . io genuinely wonder how many hours ive spent of my life just spiralling how its never meant anything how it keeps just getting worse how its never going to matter how much it hurts to anyone at all but me, really, how amny times have i been to the brink or tried really hard or done any number of fucking things and its never made a single difference not even slightyl for so so long. and the only thing there is between that and this is jsut pushing it forward to tomorrow and it sitll doesnt help im still not like a fucking person or whatever . i ts just been non fucking stop it never fucking stops no matter what i do or try or how long i do something or try something and people wont even believe it . youre not doing it enough youre not trying enough and you keep on doing it you keep on but more and more doors shut inyourface and you still can neverjust find anything . anything at all. not a single fucking thing even for once and youre not astrong fucking person or whatever i dont fucking know you just want to curl up and die like why do i keep doing this what difference is it ever going to make where am i going im going nowhere and who for who fucking for for ME i dont tink ive ever been worth it to anyone and certainly not to myself and even if it was i cant get anywhere and i dont think i mean anything and i dont know i keep thinking would it happen if like even/ for second to have something thats worth it for a second like o if i wasnt entirely alone if it was real if something jst. it doesnt even have to be a passion ro an interest just something that isnt fucking nothing butif you had that you wouldnt be here in the first place . thats the conceit of it. im not fucking depressed im not fucking clinically unwell im jsut a fucking useless piece of shit and no i cannot fucking cope with that its fucking horrible theres nothing and i cant manage it i cant manage being alone every wakinghour of my life i cant imagine feeling so isolated and alienated and doing things on my own i cant manage the constant fucking failures and inadequacy i cant

and i think . respectfully its fucking reasonable to want to killmyself because why why why the fuck would i want to be alive thats not a fucking chemical imbalance wat is the fucking point and theres nothing you can fucking Say to unfuck that thats the natural fucking rejection that respectfully everyone else can also fcking understand because god knows i dont know i dont know whats wrong with me or why i just cant do enough to do anything i dont fucking know i dont know why im never enough for anythingand . and what ma i trying oto prove and i dont know why it matters i dont know why i keep caring as if it fucking matters, man, thats the embarrassing thig that really is it i feel so fucking ashamed of myself because i feel liek im still setting ym expectations so so fucking hgih for myself getting upset in the fucking first place lik e come on dude its long long long past the point why come on just shut up and you know like god what are you doing iits so fucking desperate and pathetic to keep fucking going and i wish i never existed or whatever i wish or whatever ugh or whatever who saidthat oh was it me i dont fucking know i hat ebeing alone thats what i hate the most i hate how its just alwayslike this i hate being near people sometimes i hate fucking talking to people because it justfeels like everything i cant fucking manage all of the time i keep getting so so fucking upset over dumb fucking shit getting so fucking sad and jealous and miserable and its not fucking fair i jsut i dont know why eveyrone else has had something or someone even jsut once i feel like im just floating through everyone and even thats such a fucking stretch i just . i cant do it any more i feel so ugly adnd unwanted and i feel like i cant do anything to ever help it i feel like i jsutcant blamepeople i can tblame anything but myself for existing and ijust feel like the only way to fix it is out and WHATEVER

[justarandomgirly]

People treat me like a kid.

Im in my early 30s. Ive been working since graduation, supporting myself, making my own money,no husband of boyfriend helping me pay my bills.

I am a nurse. Ive seen shit. People died in front of me. I was resuscitating. Ive cleaned shit off people's asses. I have already some health problems.

Yet people treat me like a kid, I just slightly mention Ihave backpain and they go like "from what?" as if young person in their 30s had to be like a robot who is capable of working 24/7,

they force to me eat stuff I dont want, like when Im at a party or some family gathering or work meeting and there is food, I say I dont like that food, but they keep going like "try it youll like it" what am i 5 years old????? You think i cant make my own decision???? Maybe i already ate it and thats how i know i hate it? I even told once i cant eat seashells cos I'll get sick abd those people said "thats nonsense i eat them and im fine"

I dont think that needs commentary. THEY are fine eating them so i must be too. And they force me to try the food, from all sides, like im 5 year old, ive even had people throw that stuff on my plate.

And im trying to say politely to them I dont wanna eat it. Until i literaly explode and say "stop! Im not eating it!" And guess what? Im the bad guy then cos Im shouting and they "just wanted for me to try it". Again. Few even ignored when I mentioned I had allergy.

When Im quiet around someone, just being on my phone, minding my own business or going thru a magazine, I dont wanna talk to anyone cos Im introvert and I hate people, people always try to start convo with me, they are uncapable of reading my body language, that I clearly dont wanna be bothered, they ask me annoying completely useless questions,

and this one even once said (coworker, to another coworker) that I refused to talk to them. Refused? Bitch nobody asked you to start a convo with me. I was minding my own business on my phone, you were the one uncapable to stay quiet.

And if I do talk to people and casualy mention my backpain or something, I am told "from what? Youre young". So why should I talk to people if i get no understanding, just mockery and being put down? Yeah sure. Im 32 and I lay in my bed all day and money pours into my bank account itself.

Or at a family gathering. I go to kitchen cos idk sauce is still not cooked so I go and start preparing it. And some older female relative comes and stands beside me and immediately starts lecturing me how to cook it. As if i didnt know! Im not cooking for the first time! At least if i was doing it wrong but im not! Im roasting onion and that relative starts telling me what to do with it next. Why????? I know what im supposed to do! And btw i brought some food that i cooked and its already on the table and they all love it. So logically if i can make the pork so delicious I CAN COOK A FUCKING SAUCE!

I am a child to people. Despite my age and making my own money with noone's help.

Then they all wonder why I dont go to their birthdays and why I dont visit them etc.

And as i said its not only relatives. Its collegues, patients, everyone. Cos I did have some patients asking for older nurse when I was going to change their catheter.

Fuck people. Fuck everyone.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

me after another episode (multiple meanings)

yes, another "keep reading" this is gonna be fun

guys :"0 I got cooked by my own stupidity (malnutrition, dehydration, inconsistent sleep schedule, adhd, bpd, lack of self awareness, lack of discipline, not doing breathing exercises when upset, trauma, broken phone I didn't have money to pick up today, stupid university applications I still need to do, red40 from last night and undiagnosed autism) again, look it me the fried.

dude I was not having it man. Idk if it was the red40 again or im just a genuinely horrible person. I must hate people, I must not give a single shit about anyones feelings, im super selfish and I only care about my own useless opinions and feelings.

I literally do property damage. I littered today. I am just the worst person. and yet I am not "that guy". how can I be this shitty of a person and not be "that guy" but noOoOo if I even TRY to be violent he threatens me with the police. (I unbuckled and opened the passenger side door to see if I could just die while he was driving and slapped him multiple times at a later point not while he was driving)

I screamed so much guys it hurts I don't want to be alive. this next story was from a month or two ago already but yeah basically one day I decided to steal my potential mother's in law alcohol and now she's hiding it from me :}}}}

I am so happy with myself! look at what a trustworthy and safe and loving person I am with her son! wow what a great way to introduce myself to this new family that welcomed me wow (she even took me to a pride parade when my bf couldn't because of work. they've both taken me at least once by now)

wow and I told his catholic grandma that I hope god sends me to hell (she wouldn't stop talking) (yes im a bad person for that, that's the whole point of this post, to talk about what a shitty and fake and ungrateful piece of shit I am) (im looking for excuses to throw myself away because I cant take it anymore) (its either live a life of isolation or live a life of constantly making mistakes and "learning" and disappointing everyone in my life and constantly hearing shit from other people about how I don't clean up enough or how violent I am) (id rather die alone) (but im too much of a coward to break up) (wow I cant believe my selfish incompetent ass could ever want kids) (how sadistic could you possibly have to be to look at my miserable useless genetics and think I should have offspring) (its so delusional to even think for a second I was ever capable of a happy and normal marriage or life) (I will never be a good mother) (I will never be anything to anyone except another mouth to feed and a danger) (if my only two options is complete isolation or learning by listening to other people criticize my actions (which I inevitably think is my character) without getting violent, then I would rather be in complete isolation) (well I want to choose complete isolation) (but im a fucking coward and im addicted to substances so I don't want to leave yet) (im such a horrible piece of shit) (yes im making my mindset as shitty as possible just like he says I always do on purpose) (idk either, I don't know why I do that but I think its a subconscious coping mechanism that worked at some point in my life (I think I realized early on that if I just overwhelm myself to a crazy amount, I won't be physically be able to think anymore, and then I don't have to process the yelling) (I think that might be what happened and why I always instantly try to make my problems as bad as possible so I don't have to think about them because ive already lived out the worst possible scenario by the time im too tired to process anything else)

e

the world is evolving too fast for primitive humans like me. I can barely start researching EVEN TOPICS I AM INTERESTED IN and I cant stick on the screen for more than 30 seconds before I have to close the laptop and there's too many things

I don't even answer my messages, not here, not on snap, not text, not email, not anything, not reddit or anything I just don't interact. I don't even go to Omegle because I cant find the "right time"

its such a stupid fucking lie the "right time"

I don't even talk to many people on pony town. im so fucking sad, like talking to people was my thing

and I always say I am gonna shut up and I never actually shut up because I forget, I hate my voice so much rn I cannot just shut up, im sure everyone that knows me wants me to just kill myself so (I was distracted by a conversation irl here)

I mean yeah idk

its just survival of the fittest at this point, it is just faulty systems dying out and making way for stronger organisms. (this isn't about poverty or classism, fuck all that)

I don't think realistically anyone is cool enough to picture my head on a platter, and I don't think even more realistically that anyone actually wants me to straight up die. I could be wrong tho. maybe some day I'll pull someone's last little straw, and my food will finally be poisoned and I can just die! :)

he almost finally broke up, but he took it back like a fucking retard. I hate love so much, it's all a lie. "love" is really just a retarded coping mechanism where these people cant live without each other, but trying to understand each other is fucking hell, and either way, both parties are fucking miserable.

I have so much privilege and im wasting it all

my life is so nice and I am ruining and wasting every second. I could be so happy right now and I am throwing it all away because the world and myself make me believe I am a useless piece of shit, and the sooner I throw myself away, the sooner these people can heal and move on with their lives.

JUST SAY IT SAY IM SELFISH

SAY IM A FUCKING SELFISH PUSSY

IM A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT

I WILL NEVER SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

have some fun gifs

11 year old me doing my 30 math questions and daydreaming about being a Pokemon character for 7 hours after another screaming match while my younger brother finishes his homework faster and plays video games all day (oooooh that's what happened...)

:))))))) help me help me im about to die but not really because I was never brave enough to finally go

I need to go

I ne hhhhhh what's the point of this. im just talking to myself again like I always have. I didn't even drink water today. really? just the red40 and more discipline IS THIS WHY IM SO SHITTY

I have so much privilege and things to be thankful for and people in my life who should've thrown me away a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago, but they still sticking around anyway because they're all FUCKING RETARDED

this kind of mindset is why grape culture is still a problem (for those confused, im afraid im not referring to actual grapes. I wish from the bottom of my heart I was), because it's always the victim's fault for staying with the abuser. but now no one cares except the boy's family because he's a boy and is less likely to get [hysically hurt. I've already lost his trust tho. I guess that's what makes me even more not want to try, ive already ruined it. im still here in denial I guess. I lie to myself, "oh maybe sensory overload wont be that big of an issue if we have kids" "ill become more mature by then" "I can just discipline myself"

I had three fucking years. to just do my fucking breathing exercise any time im upset. and I cant even do that. I don't think I should be a part of society because no one will benefit from me. does this mindset also endanger other disabled people? yes it does. does this make me a bad person that doesn't care about other people? yes it does. I realized nature is so perfect because disabled individuals DIE.

I wasn't potty trained until 4, and I read somewhere that people who have anger issues tended to be potty trained later in life. so I guess im a shithead. I also had pneumonia when I was 3. I should've been dead.

don't worry about me I am very unlikely to die. im really just writing out my negative thoughts so I can stop thinking about them because I know I can just go back and look at this later.

I was tripping so many balls and I screamed so so loud out the CAR WINDOW....

there is no career for me besides the circus. except im not even funny, im just weird and annoying and violent. he's going to lose his job because of me. they're gonna pay more money to the apartment complex because I keep slamming the doors and breaking shit. I break so much shit I need to die. fbi please assassinate me at this point, I am literally only going to cause damage if I am kept alive. I should not have children. passing my genes down would be a crime. no human should live with such a poor miserable mind. im not doing that to my kids. I couldnt hope to ever apologize enough if I have a kid and they suffer the same way I did.

I have every blessing in the world and I somehow manage to be the most miserable scumbag piece of shit abusive person

he says he hates himself and he could not possibly hate himself more than I hate myself

idk what im even saying. I think my episode is almost done, but man the red40 is weird. im kinda at the point where im too tired to be angry and now im just kinda really tired and lightheaded and I cant pay attention anymore. my arms are weaker fingers cold.

I guess it was the red40 because I was doing alright but then I ate that last night. I also had another huge episode about a week ago (I broke up and also told his mom im breaking up) (yes and then I took it back after eating protein) (how am I still alive, you ask???) (please tell me idk either) ( my stress tolerance must be WILD) (im lowkey waiting for a random obsessive person to figure out the lore and say something mysterious or something idk I hate it when im in a rush and something is too mysterious and then I cant figure it out and it angers my poor fragile little ego) (yes im one of those people that give up on learning if im not good at it within 3 tries)

I suck at cleaning up after myself (I didn't clean the stove after cooking) and I forgot to mention I mopped the floors (there was grease on the floor and I didn't clean it when it was a puddle and it spread so I mopped the floor) but it's not useful to mop the floors apparently. just not as important as the stove because more stuff is on there. and the mop fuck I just feel so unappreciated but I also am aware that it makes sense that the stove is more urgent. I just keep putting my effort in the wrong places.

my movements are not steady I should drink water and eat something for the first time today

wait I had at least two dreams where I was screaming really loud but I couldnt hear myself what do those mean?

idk man I get torn between self pity and shame. its always one extreme or the other. its either "oh my god im so sad look at how sad it was omg why are people so insensitive when im obviously struggling?" or "omfg I cant stand

"you don't care enough to solve a problem, you only care enough to cause a problem" - my loving boyfriend whose family probably cant fucking stand me and is probably praying day and night for something to happen to me so I can finally be out of their lives

this is what I get for talking about my feelings. this is what I get. and he says im not paying attention to the context. maybe I am. maybe the devil is smiling as he separates us, a supposedly perfect couple.

I need to clone myself so I can fuck but also so I can kill myself and mutilate my dead body and wear my skin over my face and squeeze the blood from my heart into a basin of soju so I can take a bath in it and drink it all. i would also investigate the lungs if I remember to smoke with the clone before I kill it. dude smoking with my clone would be so cool but it would also make killing myself a little more sad

I think part of my problem is that one of my trauma responses is

Mind: oh man there's a lot of loud noise and hostile energy going around, and negotiating is not making it stop, what do we do? Mind: hmmmm how about we also get extremely loud and wear ourselves out so we physically can't process or do anything for the next 5 hours? Mind: wait excuse me what?

I wanna live in a little wood box alone in some forest for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be happy but id certainly be more comfortable. no person to please, no expectation from any human or animal, no task or thing I have to work on. just me, my delusions, and my little box. occasionally I will go and get food and water and that's it. I don't ever want to interact with anything again. I'll just die one day in the forest

which is what I would say if I wasn't a fucking pussy. im too scared to leave the people in my life and I love my mother too much. maybe I'll run away forever after my parents pass away. and I can be happy with my mom again. like I always wanted.

stay safe baby birds much love <3

and remember!

There's no such thing as the "right time".

[justcallmesakira]

tw: a quick vent cs i am fucking tired :3, lots of disturbing topics

Honesty i dont understand why i am breathing rn :D

Like maybe it was better if i hadent been born? i wish they aborted me honestly because no one would even care if i would dissapear for a day

Yeah no one! :D why? because i make myself so free to others that they only see me as the girl who helps everyone blah blah. If anything i sometimes wonder if i even have friends! Because i have to be the one coming up to them ALWAYS! just to converse so they dont gather in groups and talk shit abt me! hehe

Infact i dont know how many days i have left till i go jumping off a building! i am on my bedroom cold floor rn crying sobbing and whatever synonyms of weeping there is while typing this bcs i dont have the energy to write in my journal because my parents demotivated me so much by making my personal hobbies into studying and all i have 0 motivation to even breathe haha

I even choked on my water because of so much crying hahahah silly me

You know when i say i am fine/? I am not actually I have been sneaking to bathrooms to silently cry an overthing and have been overworking myself, starving myself and barely having any sleep!

I am far away from fine but will i lie so no one suspects me? Yup!

But maybe its my fault

Maybe my parents deserved a better daughter

Not someonen like me who cant even get a good diploma

Its definetly my fault that i am useless maybe if i worked a bit harder all these years i would have been someone better?

I really cant anymore like what do i ned to do to finally be accepted? I am good at nothing really i barely draw nowadays because my mom takes away my art supplies which i bought with my own money for months because ofmy exams so during that time i dont really have the energy to draw

I told myself i would journal everyday but after my mom told how ugly and shit my writing is and that i should stop writing abt my health and day and write about actual study type stuff

But ig its fr my own good,,journaling used to help me alot but now my fingers feel too numb :)

She even read my writing...I am happy she didnt read the part where i talk about how i am was continuosly banging my head against my kneecap because the concrete on my wall was too painfull and that i am starving myself to become skinnier nowadays and i cant hav great amount of sleep too

Hehe i guess i kindaof perform s/a

I want to write more things boggling in my mind because i ant stop crying, tears are continuoing to spill on my screen and i am trying my best not scream because if my mom hears it she will be mad

I dont want my mom to be mad it hurts me really tho she hurts me a bit more...still

Err anyways maybe i am being drmatic? idk i dont care anymore because i have been having a bit too much of suicidal thoughts

hehe:3

[bpdfox]

Look at all this shit I should be able to do. I should have been able to tattoo. I should have had my taxidermy shit done. I should have been successful. I'm 25, nearly 26, and I've done absolutely nothing with my fucking life.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I have the audacity to fucking break down driving away from this stupid fucking house I'm going to be coming to at 10 am tomorrow morning. I could have kept it. I could have found a fucking job like a normal fucking person and worked like normal people do and kept this fucking house but no I just sit on my ass and do nothing with my fucking life and then cry because I can't afford to l keep my home.

I'm so genuinely fucking useless. I should have killed myself a long ass time ago

They already have a perfect daughter and a perfect son. If I had died when I was born like I was supposed to, then maybe the family would be so much better off. All of this money and effort and time and everything wouldn't have gone to waste.

It's all just so dark. And my mom keeps saying "well things will get easier, I know its hard right now" but I don't think she understands how long it's been so hard for, and how fucking hard its been. It's never been easy. It's all so fucking dark. It's all so fucking dark. And it never fucking stops.

Just put this little journal thing together so if anyone wonders what's been going through my mind recently, well. Here it all is. Probably won't be fun to read but like. Guess it'd be better for people to know what was going through my mind if they even care at all.

I want to make this as easy as I can for everyone. It's too bad I can't just like load myself up into a cremation thing. Idk if I'd want to be cremated but then nobody would have to deal with my completely disgusting corpse lmao. Just mail everyone a little vial of my ashes with a note that says "thinking of you! :)"

Ugh that's really fucked up lol.

Well. Time to crack open the vodka so I don't think about all of this too hard.

"Maybe when I start taking my meds again it'll be okay" I think, even though I've only been off my meds for a few days, and whew... these thoughts aren't anything new if the past however many journal entries are anything to go by. It's okay though. Less than a month to go.

[owlphibiansprite]

my relationship to the dragon prince... (the series, not the zym lol)

(v personal thoughts ahead, honestly i don't recommend reading because it is just meant to be me venting to myself lol)

i think i may or may not have already written this down somewhere but season 5 was not really it for me. like, i'm in a kind of love/hate relationship with the series as of now. i love the universe, the premise, the characters.\ the stories, and as of late, the animation?...not so much. but that's okay. (i really really don't understand when people get all nasty about a series when a tiny minor thing happens that they don't like!! like all attack-y and stuff. like unless it's reproducing very harmful tropes etc, why do people get all mean and say hurtful nonsense...(even then, one should actually call it out instead of randomly spouting nasty shit,no?) anyways, getting off-track here.)

i honestly cannot understand why the team made certain decisions that they did. one thing i can't understand is why the fuck they would release a season when one episode has a port crowded with like the same 2 npcs cloned all over the place. it's quite hilarious but makes me feel weird and shivery and kind of grossly empty inside. and like the storytelling is just... i just... why?? is my question to some things.

but still, idk i feel like the fanfictions i read featuring these characters make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. maybe it's just because the potential of xadia and everything is just so high. there's is just so much that can be done with this universe. plus, i love elves and the fact that there are different magic types and humans and and and like ughhhhhhhhhh i am so happy that these people created this universe!!!! for us to play around in and frolic and enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(some of this excitement might be due to re-entering fanfiction in general with the ceracurist as one of the first fanfics i read by someone who is not me since i got out of my bandfic phase as a younger teen (i didn't even know that fanfiction really was that much of a thing before randomly stumbling across someone looking for the ceracurist on reddit))

anyways i kind of lost the whole point of certain plotpoints here. in the dragon prince i mean. but ALSO i am just so excited for there to be two more seasons and to see what happens with viren and how aaravos will escape and what things are. tbh i'd love to play the ttrpg (if i had people to play with).

PLUS wasn't tdp created so that the video game they'll release will have a cartoon? like idk i kind of love that it's its own universe with books and graphic novels and little stories online ---even though LET ME TELL YOU callum's art book is, like, really bad and kind of useless. not like marcy's journal was to amphibia or anything. it just kind of re-iterates canon stuff in a really boring, non-magical way with random screenshots of the show, i-. my broke ass, like really fucking broke, bought it in my hyperfixation and i was sadsadsad at the lost 16e? idremember how much it was. maybe 12e.

anywayyyyyyyyyys like yeah it's kind of cute and cool how there's little stories and things even though like, there is better fanfiction out there lol. but it's great!!!!!!!!!!!!!! entertainment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

literally i am excited for the new seasons!!!!!!!!!!!

but i m sad that the original raging queerness of the first three seasons got kinda dimmed down. but hello!!!!!!!! cool!!!!!!!!!!!! queer!!!! in the first seasons!

and i am really not a fan of rayllum. like idk. i know everyone loves this ship for some odd reason but i find them boring and stinky (affectionate). hehe. like i read rayllum fanfics because, well just because.\ i've always enjoyed all kinds of shippings and pairings and rarepairs and love seeing people's different takes on characters and romantic dynamics. but like i don't see the appeal...

ANYWAYS those were my braintrash thoughts for now!!!!!! had to get them out into the opennn heh.

baiii

[spicycowboyhole]

posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:

idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.

what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.

for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.

but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.

some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF

i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??

jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn

ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.

ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them

[xeter-group]

I really wanted to start off this blog with some interesting math posts but it looks like its a vent instead. Sorry lol

Really having a crisis lately...for context I recently graduated from maths and went into a cs industry job and I'm HATING it. Its so fucking boring. I cannot express just how boring it is. I've spent hours at a time having literally nothing to do because the people I'm meant to report to are leaving me on read when I ask for work.

Every time I bring the fact that I'm bored out of my mind to a senior I get asked if I'm asking for work. Why the fuck is it my job to beg on my knees for work? The managers in my department were all fighting each other in an introductory meeting to try and convince the new hires their teams were more fun to be on and when I get in the teams NOBODY WANTS TO FUCKING TALK TO ME about what to do. And the few people in another team who do talk to me about this don't seem to have anything interesting for me to do.

This is exactly like my parents fucking custody disputes. So much talk about wanting my time and when I actually take them up on the offer EVERYONES BUSY ALL OF A SUDDEN. Theres even the neutral third arbitration party who I go to to tell who I'd rather spend time with.

I'm not at this job so I can learn about the inane details of our organisational structure. I want to actually learn demonstrable industry relevant skills. Skills that aren't obsoloted by a choice of vendor or organisational shift. Skills that someone can verify I have by asking me to do them infront of them, not just trusting me when I say I'm an "excellent communicator who led task x". But every task I'm being asked to do is some boring database/search query/automation task at BEST and document reading/ticket answering at worst.

I tried to explain to my manager I felt I wasn't having to use my brain at all at work and he didn't seem to get it. It always seems to take multiple explanations to anyone at this place to convey what I consider as interesting. l told a higher manager about my complaints and his bright idea was to have me do a task that was 70% talking to people from different teams. I don't want to manage a project or consult stakeholders or determine project scopes or manage peoples unrealisitic expectations. I want to learn and solve problems. New problems. Technical problems. I want to be critically thinking. Is this hard to understand? Why am I having to resort to reading math textbooks in my spare time and at work to remain sane? My job should be doing that.

I've wasted so much of my life not learning because of bullshit reasons. In primary school I complained to my mother that maths class was boring because I already knew what we were learning. I wanted to skip grades. She told me to stop learning and eventually everyone else would catch up. I had to take it into my own hands to learn what I wanted to. Then high school rolled around, and I was still being bored to death. We have to learn parabolas a fourth time, I was told, because everyone else had forgotten them again. No, I couldn't not learn that again. I had to relearn all the chemistry I'd already taught myself because assessment. No, you can't skip these because it wi affect your tertiary entrance scores. I wasted so much of high school fretting about USELESS shit like criteria sheets and university entrancr scores. When I got to university I was finally free to push myself. I had a blast. And then I go into the workforce and its like primary school again.

I don't think industry has the right kind of work. I think I can only be fulfilled in academia, but academia will pull me away from my home country and idk if I can handle that. It feels stupid to say this but it all essentially boils down to one friend (I'll call her J) I met in highschool. We are in a small tight knit friendship group that has been fairly constant since highschool and honestly I can't imagine living without J. I was interested in her in highschool and sort of expected in university I'd find a load of cool new friends and sort of just...didn't? Don't get me wrong I have a load of cool acquaintances (and one friend but I'm not looking to get closer than I am already) but I never made the step to be proper friends with them. So I've just been weirdly emotionally dependent on this one person. We are just friends and its very stable, she knows how I feel. I don't need any hope of a further relationship to continue feeling how I do. I derive way too much happiness from her but literally nobody else makes me as comfortable as J does.

You'd usually say that you'll make new friends or find someone new but in the past 8 years I literally haven't found anyone else whose company I enjoy as much, and I can totally see myself going another decade without bothering to really try and look for any friends to be this close to. I don't care enough about sex or relationships to bother meeting a hundred people who I don't like just to find one person who can take up even more of my already precious time. I've long accepted that I'd rather indefinitely continue being emotionally attached to J with no chance of a relationship than bother with trying to shift to someone else. Other people suck. So I'm just going to end up being alone if I go overseas, especially since I'm going to be moving like 6+ hours timezone difference away.

I've loved learning and STEM my entire life and I've given up so much for it. I don't know if I can give up my friends for it though.

[moondonky]

Broke bitches

How the government always fucking broke,, they just had more money than the last 80 years combined,, like why, where's there audit,, and they take 40% of everyone else's money, inflation is controlled just a hidden tax, where the fuk is it all going , why do they keep raising the debt ceiling,, they suck at money, look around there not fixing anything, there not really building anything,, they toll everything make u pay for parking,, idk if it's just me but things seem dirtier.. like we just pulled out of a war that costed billions daily,, shouldn't we have more money, thy keep printing it I don't see a mountain of money... 30 trillion what are they buying,, is there even enough things to buy, would u b able to buy every single thing on this planet,,, thats alot of fucking money, where is it? U could buy all the gold in existence twice with that much money.. maybe not Ugandas recent discovery of like 13 trillion dollars worth of gold,, thats the other thing wouldn't the price of gold be declining,, didn't the supply just double... this is why I say everything is rigged and imaginary,, they don't really need money, there just keeping people poor at this point,, like people are peasants and they are bloodline royalty... isn't that like the opposite of why America became America,, or did I miss something studying history,, was it all bs where they lying, were they teaching us a bs story.. wasn't our money suppose to b backed by silver.. wasn't that in the constitution... everything happening,, did we vote for any of this, I'm pretty sure our founding fathers would yell treason... where the fuk is all the money... Money is worthless now why even keep working, they don't why should i, I ain't touching there cars rn.. lets see them do it.. let's see them do anything.. its there luxurious world thats burning, how we serve them is what's degrading, in no way are they a majority, they are there own tiny useless community..

I'm just gonna float,, I feel like I can tread longer.. I'll watch it I'm in the water, I'll watch it all burn down I'm not firefighter, even they are too busy fighting overdoses.. I don't think cops give af either, and that might be that people at the top arnt doing there job, they made things dangerous, they made things impossible, i wouldnt get in plane with those new pilots.. if ur gonna sit on the pot u better b fucking shitting,, if u gonna manage u better b good at it,, unlike the rest of the world,, u do not let the American people catching u fucking slacking,, if ur gonna be important show that your important that shits annoying... I really feel the world would be better off without them,, I honestly think it would immediately improve actually.. where the fuk is the money... and I know, I'm not stupid, I'm just stubbornly asking.. I already followed the money,, they were suppose to pay off the debt, they were suppose to balance the deficit... instead they put in there pockets they gave themselves bigger pensions, not to mention all the frivolous bs lawsuits that we end up paying for, they even took half of everyone's retirements,, that people worked thirty forty fifty fucking years for, they worked there entire lives for... I'm srry I'm not fucking doing that,, I'd rather live in a cave like wtf is that,, who tf does that, what a waste...

Effin millenial I'm urked,, I'm disappointed af,, when my grandma died I wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral, because of covid, because of liberal division,, even in my own family, I didn't know they were so weak,, I had to pray to pay respects.. I had to grieve by myself, that changed me, all that shit was for money, I ain't putting up with no fake shit no more,, I'm glad it's collapsing i hope it all dissapears... its all an illusion that's not gonna affect me.. I hope all that money melts like wax and I hope they get stuck in it.. I wanna see them work, I eanna see them struggle, I wanna see them sweat, i wanna see them carry shit, i wanna see them skip meals, I wanna see what they look like when there fatigued and exhausted, I wanna see them with sum dirty hands,, I wanna see them do what I've been doing for the last twenty years.. and I wanna see if they can keep a smile on there fuckin ugly faces. They look like demons, they act like demons, they think like demons, they do shit demons do.. so to me they fit the definition, they are demons

[television-pil0t]

When he finally leaves so I can have a severe breakdown that’s been building up.

God I feel awful. I hope he’s ok. I can’t keep helping him we have the same problem man. My parents suck to. My bf doesn’t understand either! IM SCARED TO OPEN UP TO MY BF TO! ITS BECOMING TO MUCH FOR ME TO! I’m sorry. I can’t help you when I have no idea how to help myself. I get mad because my bf talks to other people to. I get so jealous I push myself to. I hurt myself because he doesn’t need me to. I don’t know how to get you to stay. I want you to stay. I want you to keep talking to me because your pain makes me feel less alone. We both wanna kill ourself so bad man. I don’t have a plan like you. I don’t know what’s next. I CANT MAKE BY MYSELD EITHER FUCK IM SORRY EVERY TIME YOU VENT TO ME I JUST TELL YOU “talk to your friends! TALK TO YOUR BF! BUT SHIT I CANT DO THAT! You tell me “I’m gonna fucking do it I can’t take it anymore” but I’d I said that to my bf HE WOULDNT GIVE A SHIT! HES FUCKING DONE! HE FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SORRY I CANT HELP YOU IM IN WORSE! I’m in fucking deeper. You got to your month anniversary with your bf AND IVE BEEN IN MY RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS! Three fucking years! It’s hard for me to man! Idk how to keep going either! Idk how I’m gonna be a adult! Idk how to tell my friends that I’m suicidal either man I DONT FUCKING KNOW! I have no idea what I’m gonna do in a year! OR A MONTH! OR A DAY FROM NOW! All I do is the same thing you do. I feel like I’m not good at anything to! I feel useless too! I FEEL SO FUCKING UNLOVED TO MAN AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE EITHER! I’m sorry I can’t help you as much as other people can but god at least you HAVE other people. I hope you take my advice. I hope YOUR bf helps you. I hope your ok. I hope you didn’t SH to bad again. I hope you don’t do it Saturday. I know my bf would be so fucking sad and I can’t deal with that. I can’t deal with the secrets and the lies and the insecurity either man! I CANT DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE THAN YOU CAN! I’m scared to. I’m so so so fucking scared and now I have nobody to talk about it to. I hope someone can help you. I looked out the window of my apartment and all I can think of is getting a gun and just getting it over with. He makes account after account to just hide from me because he dosnt fucking trust me. He keeps so fucking much from me it’s agonizing. I’m tired of crying to man! IM TIRED OF ALL OF IT TO! I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! GOD I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I hate screaming while crying it gives me a headache. I hate limping when I walk after punching myself. I hate the way he didn’t tell me he loved me back for 2 days I hate the way he treated me for a year I hate the way I grew up. I hate myself. I hate being a failure. I hate being as jealous as I am. I HATE THAT HE DOSNT POST ABOUT ME! I hate the fact that he’s talked shit about me to all his family and don’t even wanna tell THAT mf that we’re dating because “I just don’t wanna hear his lecture” WELL WHOS FAULT WAS IT THAT HE SEES ME IN SUCH A FUCKED UP LIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM! I hate how I feel! I hate that I remember it all! The good and the bad. I hate when I draw! I hate my voice. I hate my body. I hate being touched. I hate THAT I ASK FOR TO MUCH TO! WE BOTH ASK FOR TO MUCH FROM OUR PARTNERS! I DONT KNOW! I don’t know. It’s been 3 years and idk what to do! I know I ask for to much and I haven’t even asked anything of him yet besides comfort and HES DONE GIVING ME THAT! I feel so hopeless. So fucking alone. So tired all the time. Maybe I should make a plan. With all the mental flashes of shooting myself in the jaw maybe I’ll do that. I have no idea what to do. AHHH I DONT WANNA DIE THO! I DONT WANNA DIE I JUST WANT SOMETHING I CANT HAVE! ILL NEVER HAVE! WHEN HE LEAVES ME AGAIN IM JUST GONNA BE ALONE! Just like I said when we first started dating “I swore I was gonna die alone” shit! I AM! I get tired of everyone so quickly. I’m so needy. I’m either obsessed to the point of neglecting myself or I’m selfish to the point of them leaving. I’m a piece of shit that deserves this fucking life. This god damn hell I put myself in. I miss my mom.

[universalsatan]

vent post ig

[makeste]

BnHA 326: What’s up Kids, It’s Me, Your Old Pal Stain

Previously on BnHA: Ochako shamed the U.A. Clown Mob into letting Deku go back inside his own fucking school by giving them an hour-long speech about how not to be humongous dickheads. Kouta and Gigantic Fox Lady saved the manga by being the only ones brave enough to give Deku a hug. Shouto was all “man, all this togetherness sure does remind me of that promise you made that we would handle Touya together which you immediately bailed on, doesn’t it, Dad.” Aizawa was all, “for the one and a half people out there who thought that my losing an eye and a leg might actually make me less sexy, I’m very happy to prove you wrong.” All Might was all, “[standing outside the U.A. fortress alone in the rain talking to someone or something??].” Like seriously, what was up with that though.

Today on BnHA: All Might is all “here I am in Kamino having a belated mid-life crisis because Deku abandoned me and I’m a terrible mentor and everything sucks and I hate myself.” Stain is all, “don’t make me come over there and give you a ten page speech about why you’re still the goat while menacingly holding you at swordpoint the entire time” because idk if you knew this guys, but Stain is pretty crazy actually. Anyway so he does that, and then All Might gets all emotional, and then the lady from chapter 92 shows up and gives All Might’s statue an encouraging pep talk, and then Horikoshi is all “and it even stopped raining lol can you believe this shit I’m not even a little bit subtle,” and he really isn’t. But I still got emotional anyway, because seeing people reassure All Might that everything he’s struggled for his entire life hasn’t been in vain just got to me okay. Horikoshi knows I am weak to the All Might feels and he just goes for the jugular every time, that bastard.

lmao. “in the neverending downpour, All Might is...” yeah, thank you, glad we’re getting right to that then

“All Might is driving 95 mph in his busted ass car in the pouring rain, is what he’s doing.” huh

so basically a day or two after his adopted child refused to accept the handmade bento that he packed with love, my man is out here acting like he’s got nothing to live for anymore. this sure bodes well for certain prophecies on which the clock is still ominously ticking down

his fucking face though omg. is it weird that I’m kind of hoping more people ambush him just because I think it’d be funny to see them get their asses kicked like the last bunch

(ETA: or maybe he will just stand there openly not giving a fuck and basically daring them to stab him!! get it together please All Might.)

side note, “anti-hero supporters” is such a strange way of saying “people who hate heroes”, which I’m assuming is what they actually wanted to say?? this makes it sound like it’s a group that really loves antiheroes. “these Hannibal stans have been a real menace lately. time to go deal with them”

ha ha ha, fucking ouch

are you really gonna do it Horikoshi you bastard. are you really going to let that be the final encounter between the two characters whose relationship you once described as the vertical axis of the entire fucking story. are you really gonna?? huh??

huh

you’re telling me you were driving 112 mph and you still didn’t get there in time. you’re losing your touch old man. lol Todo’s ice is almost fully melted already, how late were you

(ETA: so apparently this is taking place after the end of chapter 325, meaning he went to U.A., hung out for a bit, saw the kids come back with his bedraggled half-dead protégé in tow, watched as they shamed the civilians into some long-overdue character development, and then was all “welp, time to go argue with the hero-hating faction or something because I’m feeling useless.” and Edge just let him go, just like that. though to be fair I have to imagine it’s pretty hard to say no to All Fucking Might.)

also belated lol at the fact that the kids were all “yeahhhhhhh we are definitely not gonna touch that thing, let’s just leave it here, he doesn’t need it anyway.” probably the right call to make since they couldn’t get a hazmat team on such short notice

fuck. ha ha ha fucking ouch part two

All Might please put that thing down before you get gangrene. also yeah, you dropped the ball, good for you to acknowledge it. nobody’s perfect and you did your best. but yeah you could have handled a lot of things completely differently. but I still love you

is Horikoshi really putting this flashback here. are you serious. what kind of fucking sadist

look, I swear I’m not one of those people that runs up and down the street shouting “DEATH FLAG!!” at every third panel lol. but this shit screamed Death Flag when we originally got it, and it’s screaming DEATH FLAG!!! even more now. like with the capital letters and exclamation marks and all. and that’s just a fact. I don’t like it but that’s how it is

ffkdjslk

“DID YOU READ THE SIGN??!” Horikoshi asks while zooming in maniacally because he thinks we’re blind or something. lol what

-- though actually, it only just occurred to me that this sign is actually written in English. I never really paid attention up until now and had been assuming it was written in Japanese and translated by the scanlators, but the writing here is clearly part of the original image. anyway so maybe that’s why he’s zooming in?? just to make sure everybody pays attention lol

okay fuck this

see, this is the whole problem right here. once again All Might is all on his own. Deku’s self-destructive angst spiral was fortunately brought to a grinding halt because he actually has support from his friends and family and teachers and classmates. but All Might never had that same kind of support, and it’s made all the difference between the two of them, and not in a good way. Katsuki wasn’t wrong when he said All Might and Deku were both cut from the same cloth. but now when it’s All Might’s turn to go all “I WALK A LONELY ROAD~~” once again, there’s nobody in sight

just, after forty plus years of him carrying this torch, I just wish someone would finally come along to let him know he doesn’t have to. all those things that he wanted to say to Deku are also things that he needs and deserves to hear himself. Aizawa was making a little progress there, but now he’s got his sad zombie cloud boyfriend situation to deal with, and we can’t expect him and his perfect hair to solve all our problems. someone else has gotta step up

oh my god

“you rang?” never mind I take it all back sob

omg why am I laughing. shit

this man truly has the best PR game in the series. we were truly convinced he was gonna suddenly become a good guy and defend All Might against the other villains or some nonsense. as if this wasn’t the same man who decided on a whim that Iida Tensei deserved to be paralyzed, and that his fifteen-year-old brother deserved to die for daring to be upset about it

lol even All Might is all “I genuinely never saw this coming” lmao

just want to say, for the record, I have always harbored a very sensible hatred toward Stain. feeling very vindicated right now. good job Past Me

adsfklwkfsdwgkj

ffffwefjslkg. ghsdlkg. dsfkkkslkjldwkjrg

STAIN: heard you talking shit old man

ME: smh that’s what I thought you’d say you dumb fucking Stain

STAIN: how dare you talk about All Might that way

ME: gljfljgk

(ETA: in hindsight I have no idea how I didn’t clue in sooner that he didn’t recognize him -- or, well, ~didn’t recognize~ him, to be more accurate lol. I think it was the whole “is that a slight against the heroes?” thing that threw me. Viz’s translation makes it much clearer that he’s offended on behalf of All Might specifically, not heroes in general. anyways.)

sob. so All Might is all “yeah I don’t blame you for not recognizing me in this sweet leather jacket”

good thing he still knows how to do this party trick

A+ reflexes on Stain’s part presumably pulling the sword back a few inches to keep this dumbass from impaling himself with his whole pufferfish routine. can you imagine if that was the gruesome death Nighteye foresaw. and he was just too embarrassed to say anything

lol anyways guess I was wrong about Stain everyone

way to fucking go, Past Me. you really biffed this one

oh wait

Stain sure is one wacky rollercoaster ride

oh fuck me lol I forgot how much I did not miss this

(ETA: “this here is the sacred ground where All Might gave up the last of his power and turned into a shriveled old man!! please ignore the part where I admit to knowing all about that, and yet pretend not to recognize said man when he’s standing two feet in front of me.”)

Past Me, I know we’ve had our ups and downs these past ninety seconds, but I’m really starting to think you were on to something. this dude has always been kind of insufferable. always acting like his high horse is a fucking giraffe when it’s actually a Shetland pony

dammit now he’s got All Might going off on a depressed monologue

oh my god my heart

shit

why the fuck does that hit so hard. he became a hero because he couldn’t bear to just sit back and let bad things happen to people who didn’t deserve it. I mean that’s basically the same as every hero ever, right? so why does it still hit so fucking hard every single time though. what is it about seeing someone so determined to stand up for other people and fight on their behalf. it just never loses its impact no matter how many times I see that determination mirrored in so many of my favorite characters

“I wanted to make the world a better place.” omg. but you did, though. like seriously, I feel like people are always dogging on him for not being 100% perfect, and fandom really doesn’t give him enough credit for everything he still managed to accomplish. this man came of age at a time when Japan was by all accounts a total shitshow, and singlehandedly managed to bring about an era of peace that lasted for four fucking decades. can you imagine having peace for that long?? that’s longer than I’ve been alive. shit

and he gave people hope. he inspired them and protected them and made them feel safe. and no, he couldn’t save everyone, because he’s only one fucking dude (and also because the whole time AFO was also out there desperately working to undermine him so that he could keep preaching his narrative of “heroes are bad actually”). but you know what he did do, is inspire multiple new generations of heroes who, if they can all manage to work together, will finally be able to accomplish everything he never could

so yeah. forty years of peace, and inspired the “that’s how we all became the greatest heroes” generation -- that’s a fucking win in my book. talk about having a net positive impact on the world. lol anyways now I’m all fired up and ready to fight anyone who tries to talk any shit about you, All Might

“but what if I talk shit about myself” okay listen up All Might I’m gonna need you to try just a little bit harder to work with me here okay. please calm down and stop blaming yourself for every single bad thing that’s ever happened in the world. do you remember that time Bakugou was blaming himself for Kamino, and you gave him a hug and told him it wasn’t his fault, and that he was only a boy, and that even though he was strong, even strong people can struggle with the burdens they place on themselves, and that you were sorry for not seeing that earlier? do you remember all of that? that’s what I want someone to tell you too, dammit. anyway please stop breaking my heart please and thanks

wtf

are you dead All Might

um

I don’t even have the slightest idea what’s happening lol

oh snap did he grab him so they could hide??

hold the fucking phone. don’t tell me this person in the background with the umbrella is here to actually do something decent??

oh my godddd

and here come the feels. oh boy. okay don’t mind me, I’m just gonna sit here sobbing over this fictional lady and her simple act of kindness in this weekly shounen manga that I care about way too much

FUCKING DAMMIT AND HERE’S A SECOND HELPING

DON’T MIND ME, I’M JUST GETTING DISPROPORTIONATELY EMOTIONAL OVER THIS WOMAN’S DETERMINATION TO HONOR A MAN WHO SACRIFICED EVERYTHING TO SAVE HER AND COUNTLESS OTHERS. I’M JUST HAVING SOME FEELS OVER HERE ABOUT HER HEARTFELT, DOESN’T-EVEN-KNOW-ANYONE-ELSE-IS-WATCHING FEELINGS OF GRATITUDE THAT COMPELLED HER TO COME OUT HERE AND MAKE THIS SMALL BUT POWERFUL GESTURE. I’M JUST OUT HERE GETTING ALL PROFOUNDLY WORKED UP ABOUT STATUE MAINTENANCE AND THE HUMAN RACE. NEVER MIND. JUST IGNORE ME AND CARRY ON

holy shit. I was not even remotely prepared. you can’t just do that to me. you can’t just leave all these death flags on my lawn and then suddenly shift gears to show me the best of humanity in a chapter where I was expecting the worst. that fucks a person up lol

OH ARE WE STILL GOING

my heart. you see that, All Might. your legacy is so much more powerful and meaningful than you think

...has. has Stain actually been giving All Might a pep talk this entire time

I give up lol. this dude is a fucking enigma

YAYYY

it may just be a metaphor panel, but I’ll take it lol. I missed them. nice to see the traffic light trio front and off-center. I know the whole “this is the story of how we all became the greatest heroes” thing had left some questioning whether certain characters would continue to play a central role in the narrative, and hopefully this will help to ease those concerns just a bit

anyway, so idk if it’s getting a bit chilly down there in hell, but damned if Stain didn’t just give an actual decent fucking speech

I have to say, earlier when I was whining about All Might not having a support squad, I really was not expecting Stain to be the one to come over and pat his head and reassure him that he made the world a better place

-- okay LISTEN

YOU CAN’T JUST COME INTO MY HOUSE AND HIT ME WITH THOSE ALL MIGHT TEARS AGAIN GODDAMMIT THIS ISN’T FAIR. my god. first 317 and now this

holy fucking shit

“I’m just gonna pretend like I haven’t been stalking him for two days and didn’t see the entire Deku bentogate thing go down, and then I’ll give him the whole big speech that I rehearsed, and then I’ll turn around and be all ‘BUT IF YOU’RE A TRUE HERO’, and then I’ll toss him the super-secret AFO wifi password that I stole from Tartarus. god I’m such a badass. fucking give myself chills”

so basically what you’re telling me is that this whole time my “what’s up kids” characterization of Stain from this shitpost has actually been 100% accurate. just want to make sure I’m understanding this right. okay then

“and then I’ll dramatically spin around and be all NOW COME KILL ME BITCH”

it must be so much fun to write Stain. drawing this coked-out maniac who talks like a chatbot that was trained to speak by reading Alan Moore monologues. that must be a trip

anyway so All Might is still crying, the awesome lady from chapter 92 is admiring her handiwork totally oblivious to the batshit insanity going on fifty meters to her right, and it’s finally stopped raining lol

“THE RAIN WAS A METAPHOR YOU SEE” yes, yes, we got it lol. thanks for that Horikoshi. don’t think we needed any help putting the pieces together on that one but I appreciate the effort

so that’s the end! and as I mentioned in another post, I had the count off by one chapter, but next week should be cliffhanger week! so break out your U.A. Traitor bingo cards, friends and fiends. either that or something else happens that I’m completely not expecting at all. which, based on my success rate with Stain predictions, I’d say is more than likely lol

mmm but anyway, so now that the Hug Deku 2021 campaign has finally come to an end, what’s it gonna take to get a hug for my struggling bento-preparing jacket-rocking world-weary death-flag-waving husband who is the worthiest man to ever live and deserves the fucking world, goddammit

[scoutbert]

thoughts on turning 23, a ramble by me

my 23rd birthday was yesterday

I can feel the back pain getting ready to step up its game 😩 but in all seriousness i have some pondering to share, bit of a long and incomprehensible read but have fun

i am an adult but i still feel the same ways about a lot of things, and live my life similarly to my late teen years.

idk. now the looming dread that im not where i should be in life, that i am behind, and that if i don't 'fix' it now i will forever be behind, is bearing down hard on me. it feels like a fog creeping in, first visible when i turned 18, growing ever more dense every birthday since. and now it is like an all encompassing vape cloud of anxiety, the kind where you can't see your hand in front of your face because all you can think about is how fucked you feel.

i try to be gentle with myself. i try to act like how i would if a good friend was telling me this same thing.

i would say to them, "there's no rush, there's no blueprint to how life should be lived. just do you, and set goals and things will feel more solid eventually. one day at a time."

but i don't believe myself when i say this to myself. i don't think i am allowed to just go with the flow and experience life, instead of creating one that pleases everyone. i don't physically feel like i have the power, agency and freedom to do anything other than my idea of what i "should" do, none of which particularly appeals to me.

career. college. earning wealth. fulfilling every ounce of potential i ever exhibited as a child. never being burnt out, always ready to tackle whatever life throws at me. please others. fulfill every single useless made up obligation. act normal. pleasant. palatable. neurotypical.

i compare myself to my peers. i see them achieve things at my age that i couldn't imagine. i see people younger than me, people with less opportunities than i had making something amazing out of themselves. it's inspiring, and also fills me with resentment towards myself. 'why didn't i do that?'

and i just sit here on my little handheld light up box every day, and I just smoke my little weeds and drink trulys and hate my body. I go work at my fast food job and hang out with my friends and lament existence.

i sit in the rubble of all the bridges I burned when i was at my worst, like the scholarship i lost when i dropped out, the opportunities i couldn't take advantage of because i was homeless, or hospitalized, or just straight up didn't follow through on for whatever reason.

i am lost and unmotivated and deeply unhappy, but this is still loads better than my situation a year ago, so i will try and acknowledge some progress. i have a bed to sleep in and cats to pet. and i have friends who care about me, and a car to take me where i want to go. i have physical comfort and safety. no longer sleeping in parking lots, crying and getting pulled up on by cops, begging the internet for gas and car repair money every 2 weeks. i am employed, however unfortunate that employment is. i finally have a correct diagnosis, and treatment is helping a lot.

family therapy is making my home life more tolerable, though the progress is slow. that's to be expected, considering my mother has had 58 years to ingrain her behaviors, so it makes sense it will take time to heal and grow.

all in all, it isn't so awful from a surface perspective. maybe I am just cursed to never be content. maybe I am just a useless sack of shit. maybe I'm just being too hard on myself and am stuck in an anxious thought loop and need to go to bed. who knows!

anyways. yes. i am bittersweet about all this aging business. how am i supposed to feel? why do i care how i am 'supposed' to feel? ugh. i wish to know peace.