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jawnjendes · 5 years

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shawn meets... | isabella

SUMMARY: in the life of a rockstar, shawn mendes comes across some unique people. sometimes, things stray from the norm. (AU, shawn x every one of my oc’s)(continuation/spin off of goth gf)

AN: time for a new oc! and by NEW i mean, new to yall,,, ive had this oc since i was 15

***let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist

previous chapter

isabella’s origin story not available | isabella’s playlist | masterlist

Out of all the places he’s been to, London seemed to bring the most interesting people to Shawn’s already interesting life. He couldn’t tell if it was because he was an international singing sensation, or because of his own strange luck. Was his college life this weird with people?

College… it felt like somebody else’s life. It had been a few years since he walked through the massive campus, but there were still days that Shawn found himself missing that life. He especially missed it these days because he still had Brian in that life. Not to mention it was all mundane and normal. A number of people knew Shawn, but it was not the colossal amount that knew him now. Back then, he could go to a karaoke bar and get as trashed as he wanted, and the only consequence would be a killer hangover. Back then, he would be going to a karaoke bar with his best friend.

These last few months were a grieving period. Shawn hadn't planned on taking time off, but the funeral was the last straw. Hearing the broken wails of Brian's mother as the casket was lowered into the ground was all too much. He couldn't handle the guilt that sat on his shoulders, or the grief that weight down on his chest. He couldn't look his friend's family in the eyes and say it was his fault why their son was dead. So time off was taken, and a tour was canceled, and much therapy was had.

Now, four months later, Shawn was getting back into the swing of things. He was back in London with the intention of songwriting and possibly some recording. His mind was still cloudy and his chest was still heavy, but he was deemed functional enough by Andrew and his therapist.

However, Shawn couldn't wander the streets alone. That was the case ever since his first fan mobbing in Los Angeles a few years ago. More recently, ever since the girl who bruised Shawn’s wrist happened, Jake had to be at his side at all times. Even at a crowded karaoke bar where his face blended with everyone else under the dim lights, and where everyone focused on the person singing onstage.

Shawn looked down at his right wrist. The bruises were long gone, and he could still play guitar just as he did before. The thought of never playing again gave him an uncomfortable chill. He couldn't be thinking about that, not when worse things had happened. Brian was the one who pointed out how odd and nonhuman that girl was. Shawn wouldn't have been able to figure out the truth about her and her employer. He really needed the karaoke bar tonight.

At least Jake was considerate enough to sit a couple of stools away from Shawn, giving him the illusion that he was here by himself. He nursed his beer and scanned the room, not really listening to the karaoke host introduce the next singer. Shawn was not really sure what he was looking for here. He chatted with the handsome, blond bartender, but he got busy with the night rush. All Shawn knew was that he didn’t want to be stuck alone in a hotel room, and he really didn’t want to be around more people who would share their condolences and fond memories of someone they hardly knew. It wasn’t until he heard a familiar song play on the speakers did Shawn finally focus on the stage.

If it was his own song, Shawn would have had to leave the bar. But it was Niall’s On My Own, making Shawn briefly consider texting the Irish singer to see what he’s up to tonight. However, he quickly zeroed in on the girl singing, and he started to wonder if he really did have a type.

She had short, choppy black hair, like she had cut it herself. These round purple sunglasses hung on the bridge of her nose, and it was the only thing that stood out from her all black ensemble: a low cut tank top, ripped jeans, and Converse high tops. She moved animatedly around the stage, that short hair bouncing and getting disheveled. She didn’t seem to care about how she looked.

Shawn turned back to Jake and gave him that look. “Are you seeing this?” Jake merely gave him a thumbs up.

The other thing about this girl was her voice. Every person that sang before here was… not good. This girl had a strong, rich voice. She could give Niall a run for his money with all the runs she threw into his song. She was talented. Shawn hadn’t heard a voice like that since he heard Bella Santiago sing in person for the first time. (Still a shame that girl won’t accept any record deal she was offered.)

Everyone in the bar seemed to like this girl too. The crowd roared with applause and cheers when she hit the bridge of the song. Shawn bopped his head along to the beat, feeling a genuine smile on his face for the first time in weeks. He clapped as hard as he could when the song ended, but then his heart dropped as he saw this girl walk off the stage and head for the bar. He turned to face the bartender, but looked down at his half empty bottle. His heart nearly stopped when the girl took the empty stool next to him.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t a British accent that came out of her. At least, not a noticeable one. She sounded more American than anything else.

“Thanks, Seth,” she said to the bartender as he seemed to make a Blue Moon magically appear out of nowhere. “What’d you think?”

“Showing everyone how it’s done, like always.” He winked.

She giggled. “We getting outta here soon?”

“After last call, won't be long now."

Shawn felt a blow in his stomach. She was here with the bartender. Well, time to call it a night.

Then, there was something like magic. Shawn had turned towards Jake to signal him to get out of here, but there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned back around to find the girl looking at him.

“I sat here for a reason, you know,” she said, eyebrows raised.

Magic!

Shawn grinned. “That reason being?”

“Handsome chap, alone in a bar? Too good to be true, so I had to investigate. You here alone, mysterious stranger? I mean, apart from your bodyguard, of course.” She took a gulp from her beer.

Shawn was thrown off by that entire string of words. He couldn’t even try to play dumb. “How did you-”

“He’s had that protective look in his eyes since I sat down,” she explained. “And I know protection like nobody’s business.”

“Oh, you’re a bodyguard, eh?” Shawn asked, his eyes shamelessly trailing down her petite body. Yes, it was an excuse to look at the decent amount cleavage she had going on.

“Eh?” she repeated with a chuckle. “What, are you Canadian or something?” She laughed like it was such a ridiculous thought.

He blinked. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

The girl laughed even more, her eyes squinting. “Are you joking? Canada’s not real!”

Maybe she had a few too many drinks. Shawn watched her with a polite grin as she hiccuped.

“You’re alright, mysterious stranger.” She held out her hand. “Isabella Montgomery.”

“Nice to meet you,” Shawn said as he shook her hand. For someone who just danced around onstage, her hand was quite chilly.

She quirked a dark eyebrow. “Gonna stick with the mysterious stranger thing, are you? Suit yourself.”

Either she recognized him and pretended like she didn’t or… she just didn’t recognize him. Whatever the case, Shawn was perfectly content with being a stranger tonight.

“You gonna sing tonight?” Isabella asked him.

“Oh no, I’m not drunk enough for that,” he said. “Besides, I don’t think I could follow up the show you just put on.”

She smiled. “You’re probably right. But I’ve got the smallest feeling you might be an alright singer.”

Okay, she definitely recognized him.

“I don’t really want the attention on me tonight,” he admitted.

Isabella nodded understandingly. “I see. Well, would you wanna get outta here?”

The two of them looked at each other for a split second. Shawn was quite forward himself, but he wasn’t that quick. Not to mention, he just overheard her make plans with Seth the bartender.

“To another pub,” Isabella hastily corrected. “There’s a place my friend over here and I are gonna head to. You wanna come along?”

“Oh!” Shawn felt a little more delighted now that she clarified the bartender situation. “Yeah, I’ll go with you. Where's this place at?”

Isabella licked her lips and grinned. She looked for her bartender friend, who just announced last call on the microphone. When he returned to his post, Isabella waved him over.

“Yes, my dear?” Seth asked.

“My new mysterious mate wants to come with us,” she told him.

“Oh, does he? Think he can handle it?”

“I can handle it,” Shawn piped up. “What kinda place is it, anyway?”

Isabella and Seth shared a look, silently communicating. Then, they both turned back to the mysterious stranger.

“It’s, er, a nerdy… type of place,” Isabella explained slowly. “People cosplay… Dungeons and Dragons type of things. They take it very seriously, won’t even break character if you talk to them. It’s a weird environment, but it’s fun nonetheless.”

Shawn nodded as he took in the information. Wouldn’t be the first nerd-themed place he’s been too. But it has been a while. “I’m down. Sounds fun.”

“There’s karaoke there too,” Seth added. “And, we can promise that you will continue being a mysterious stranger while we’re there.”

A karaoke bar where no one will recognize him? Sounds like a dream.

“Let’s do it,” he told his new friends.

This nerd bar was hidden. The shelf behind the bar was actually a secret door. Seth pushed it open with surprising ease while Isabella hopped over the bar. Shawn looked at Jake, who didn’t seem suspicious or hesitant. Yet.

Seth let the others pass through first before shutting the shelf door behind him. Then, Isabella led them down a hallway lit by dim blue lights. She pushed open another door, revealing a bar that was much darker than the previous one. It felt more like a nightclub.

Shawn could barely make out people wearing long colorful robes, dancing under the strobe lights. Definitely nerd space. An unrecognizable song was blaring over the speakers. As Shawn tried to figure out what exactly the lyrics were saying, Isabella nudged him.

“I’ll sign us up for karaoke!” she yelled over the music.

“Wait-” he tried to say, nerves building up in his stomach.

“You’re singing with me no matter what!”

And she disappeared towards the stage.

Before Shawn could stop her, Seth came in for the distraction. He pulled Shawn over to the bar and ordered something for the three of them. Soon enough, there were shot glasses lined up along the surface of the bar, and Isabella had found the boys.

“Oh, fuck yeah!”

Each of them grabbed their tiny glass. Shawn looked around for his guard, now nervous about being left alone, but he found Jake in the far corner of the club. Watching. Waiting. Unbothered.

That was enough for Shawn to down one, two, three shots of whatever the fuck with these people. He felt fire in his veins, euphoria surrounding him. Everything he was previously worried about didn’t matter anymore.

“We’re gonna sing Panic!” Isabella told him at some point.

“Can’t wait!”

Next thing he knew, Shawn was onstage in front of a massive group of nerds, High Hopes blaring on the speakers. Isabella was next to him, microphone in hand as she belted out the beginning of the song with her killer voice.

Shawn took over the first verse, and the two of them harmonized wonderfully. At least, with the alcohol in his system, it felt that way. The two of them danced around on stage like fools, not caring about looking cool or composed or even trying to sing well. Isabella sounded naturally good, though. She messed up her hair and nearly tripped on her feet a few times, but man could that girl carry a tune.

“Had to have high, high hopes for a living Didn’t know how, but I always had a feeling I was going to be that one in a million Always had high, high hopes”

It was liberating. It was spiritually healing. It was different than performing in an arena of thousands of people. He could just be silly and not have to put on his tour persona.

They only sang one song, but it was enough for Shawn to feel something other than the crushing grief that was frequently on his shoulders. He felt good, almost happy. He danced with these strangers and drank some more. He saw pretty lights dancing around the ceiling, he could almost see the stars and the moon through it too. It was magical, to say the least.

"Guys, I'm getting hungry!" Isabella exclaimed after a while.

"Well, I'm getting tired!" Seth told her. "What about you, mysterious stranger?"

"Fooooooood!"

The three of them (Jake in tow, of course) left the way they came in. Seth pushed open the shelf door and let the others through. Shawn's ears were ringing once he was back in the quiet, but there was still adrenaline coursing through his system. He wasn't ready for the night to be over.

But Seth was. He stretched his long arms over his head and yawned once all of them were out in the humid night. “I’m out for the night, lads. It was cool hanging out with you, stranger.”

“You too, brother,” Shawn said, clasping his shoulder.

Seth then turned to Isabella. “I’ll see you at home?”

“See you at home,” she confirmed.

Then, Seth stalked off down the street, practically disappearing into a dark alley. There was a cracking sound that broke the quiet night, but Shawn wasn’t exactly preoccupied with that.

"Where we gonna eat?" he asked Isabella.

However, Jake stepped in. "We should really get going. It's late enough as it is."

"But I'm hungry!" Shawn whined.

"Yeah, the boy is hungry!" Isabella assertively repeated, placing her hands on her hips. "Can't let him starve now, can we? There's a burger joint down the road, 's not that far."

The two of them stared down the bodyguard. He usually took Shawn away from the fun despite the singer's protests. It was always because they had something to do or somewhere to be the next day, but there were still a couple of days left before the demands came back… before the prominent absence of a certain Brian made itself known yet again. Shawn wanted to savor this time, drunk or not.

Jake seemed to realize this as well, because he suddenly approved. “Alright. You eat, and then it’s back to the hotel.”

Isabella bounced on her feet. “Sweet! Let’s go!”

She linked her arm with Shawn’s and led him literally ten steps up the road. The burger joint was empty apart from the cashier working the graveyard shift. Jake went to sit at the booth in the corner, continuing to do his job.

“God, I’m dying for a veggie burger,” Isabella said, looking up at the menu.

“Are the garlic fries any good?” Shawn asked.

“Wouldn’t know, I have a garlic allergy.”

He looked at her, surprised. “Shouldn’t we go somewhere else? What if your food touches garlic?”

She waved it off. “I don’t have severe reactions or anything. And I’ve been here loads of time. Trust me, it’s safe.”

Well, if she knows her own body… The two of them ordered, and Shawn made sure to keep the allergen out of his meal as well. Then, they sat down two booths ahead of Jake, still keeping the illusion that Shawn was out and about on his own.

Under the much brighter lights of this establishment, Shawn could make out Isabella’s face a little more. She had the babiest baby face a person could have. If they hadn’t met in a bar, Shawn would have thought she was a teenager. The pink blush on Isabella’s cheeks only added to that. Maybe she had used a fake ID at the bar… she could actually be a teenager.

Isabella caught him staring, and immediately knew what was on his mind. “I’m twenty-four, just so you know.”

“Oh, I wasn’t-” he tried to say.

“Lots of people give me that look. You know how many clients of mine think I’m an intern?”

Shawn blinked slowly, his hazy mind still processing what she just said. “Um, what is it that you do?”

“I’m a lawyer for muuu- ah, uh - immigration lawyer.” She grinned nonchalantly.

“That’s awesome,” Shawn said.

“Yeah, a few years back I volunteered my services when people in the States were being wrongfully detained at various airports,” she explained. “I got hired by a law firm in New York, so I lived there for a bit.”

Shawn was impressed, but he thought about exactly how long ago those events took place. He was still a little weary about Isabella and her age, so he counted backwards on his fingers. However, the math got difficult and fuzzy in his still inebriated mind, so he took her word for it.

“I promise you I’m older than I look,” Isabella said with a laugh. Then, she turned serious. “Can I be honest with you?”

He nodded rapidly, numbers still flying around in his head.

“I know you’re not just a mysterious stranger,” she admitted. “I know who you are.”

His eyes widened a little bit. Was this another disturbed fan interaction? Oh god, maybe he should have listened to Jake and gone back to the hotel.

“You performed at Sapphire Lilith’s birthday party,” Isabella clarified, seeing the look on his face. “I was there.”

“Oh,” Shawn said, his shoulders relaxing. “Yeah. I performed at her house.” And he spent a blissful week with Sapphire, only to result in her ghosting him and the death of his best friend. He cleared his throat as that memory came to mind. “How do you know Sapphire?”

“Her parents died few years ago and she needed me to look over their wills,” Isabella said casually. “Oh, and she got robbed a few times and needed to me look into the legal part of it.”

Shawn tilted his head. “But aren’t you an immigration lawyer?”

“Yeah. We also went to the same sleepaway school years ago.” She shrugged. “Uniforms for girls were pink, but you would never catch me in that shit. I spray painted my dresses black and wore sneakers. I got in so much trouble.”

“Wow. Got ourselves a rebel here.” He chuckled, his hand sliding across the table.

Isabella was faster than him. A single blink later, and she was standing. “I think our order is ready.”

Something fell out of her pocket, making a small clattering noise. Shawn immediately reached down to pick up the item, only to be confused at what it was.

“You dropped your… wand?”

He didn’t even get a good look at the dark wood before Isabella snatched it out of his hand and shoved it back into her pocket. Her eyes were suspiciously wide again.

“I, uh, I love Henry Popper. Be right back!”

As Isabella went to the cashier, Shawn looked back at Jake two booths behind. He seemed more confused than suspicious. Or, spaced out. His eyes were staring back at the guy he was supposed to be guarding, but it didn’t look like he had processed anything that just happened.

Then, Isabella came back to the table, non-too-gently setting their tray down on the table. The noise was loud enough to make Shawn jump and face her again.

“Sorry for freaking out,” she said, somber.

“It’s okay. Hey, I love Harry Potter too,” he replied. “I’m obsessed. Did you get your wand at Universal?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m a Gryffindor.”

“Me too!”

Isabella pointedly grinned and tilted her head. “Really? You give off big Hufflepuff energy.”

“Why does everyone say that?” Shawn chuckled before taking a bite of his burger.

“Because it’s true?”

“And how would you know that?”

“Who has the wand between the two of us? And don’t talk with your mouth full!”

Shawn playfully narrowed his eyes as he chewed and swallowed. “Didn’t realize I was talking to the queen of all things Harry Potter!”

Isabella chuckled. “You could say he’s like a friend to me. As a matter of fact, I saw him yesterday when he came round for tea.”

That got a laugh out of him. Any worry he had about this girl was now gone. He would much rather be here than be alone with his thoughts in a hotel room. How often does he get a genuine conversation like this anyway? How often does he get the time to talk to anyone and form one-on-one connections?

He was doing exactly what he wanted to do: make music and perform it. Six years ago, Shawn had no idea what it would cost to be able to do this. When was the last time he had spoken to any of his friends? His family? He looked down at his meal, suddenly not very hungry.

“Hey!” Isabella said, lightly tapping his arm. “Don’t get sad on me now! Am I really that depressing to be around?”

“Of course not,” Shawn said without missing a beat. “And I’m not sad.”

“Please, you reek of stress, loss, and…” She sniffed the air. “Guilt?”

Shawn scrunched his brows, pretending like he was not just attacked. “Where do you get all that from?”

She coughed. “Just a guess. I imagine, being a mysterious stranger, it’s hard to come by actual friends.”

That was something he could talk about without getting too deep into his drunken feelings. “I… yeah. People define you by what you are on the outside and see nothing else. Don’t even take the time to see what’s inside, in your heart.”

Isabella was playing with her fries. “I know what that’s like. All I’ve ever been is a blood sucking parasite with a wand. Doing what you know you’re destined to do comes with a lot of sacrifices.”

“Absolutely,” Shawn agreed. His own cave of regrets came to mind, but he wasn’t drunk enough to share any of them.

next chapter

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taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @someoneunimportantxx @iloveshawnieboi @shawnsunflower @chillingbythesea @theprivatesmutacc

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn meets fic #no one reads my shit anymore but whtv

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flawlesspeasant · 5 years

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no instructions.

Like I said, I only write fanfiction when I’m feeling inspired and I’ve been feeling inspired with Jo’s recent depression in the show. I really wanted to see something from Alex’s point of view and I got carried away with loving, concerned husband Alex and ended up writing about Alex dragging Jo to therapy. ❤️ Enjoy!

There’s a lot of things they don’t tell you how to prepare for, and this is one of them.

I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not like marriage comes with an instruction manual. To be honest, I spend most of my days going with the flow and learning as I go along.

Like when she leaves her hair on the bathroom floor and it feels like a white-hot branding iron was just put on my back. And I stomp to the bedroom to yell at her about taking five freaking seconds to pick up the goddamn broom and sweep up the mess before I have to go into work with a clump of her brown hair caked to my scrubs because that crap gets everywhere. Then, just as I’m ready to really give her the third degree, she’s lying on my side of the bed with her arm up under my pillow and her eyes are still closed and I think to myself, “what in the hell did I do to deserve her?” And all the anger melts away… something like putting an ice cube in the middle of a hot cup of coffee.

And also like when she drinks the last beer in the fridge but leaves the empty case there and it’s turned to the side in a way awkward enough to make me think that there’s still one left. It boils me up inside when I think that I’m going to come home after a long day of doing absolutely nothing at the hospital and crack open an ice cold brew, only to find that she dusted the last one off and gave me all kinds of false hope by leaving the empty six pack carton in the fridge. And just when I’m about to bust in the bathroom, rip the shower curtain back and yell at her for the umpteenth time about just throwing the damn case away, I stop in my tracks and can’t help but smile because through the sound of the water running, all I hear is her singing “it’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!” and all I can think about is how I still can’t believe that I somehow tricked this goofball into marrying me. And I’m not so angry about the beer anymore.

See, it’s nothing like the first time I walked down the aisle and made somebody my wife. The time I married Iz, I mean.

When I married Iz, everything was a breeze. There weren’t any tough decisions and in truth, I had it easy. At the time, I sure thought that it was as hard as it would get and marriage was a horrible thing that I just so happened to get roped into. Back then, you couldn’t convince me that marriage was beautiful. Nobody on this earth could make me believe that it was great.

But that was when it was easy. With Izzie, it was easy. But with Jo, everything about this whole marriage thing is hard. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe — just maybe — it’s because for the first time in my life, I genuinely give a crap about her more than I give a crap about myself.

I mean, when you look at it, that makes sense… doesn’t it?

I didn’t need instructions when I married Izzie because marrying Izzie was easy and marrying Izzie was easy because I didn’t care about her enough.

At least not the way I care about Jo.

I spent the entire day wondering about that. Wondering why my marriage to Izzie wasn’t as hard on me as my marriage to Jo.

I asked Mer today at lunch why she thought that was and she didn't know what I meant. She thought I was trying to say that I regretted marrying Jo and I had to walk away when she implied that because that was the first time I’d been so pissed off in a while.

But I guess that was my fault because I couldn’t really explain to her what I meant by that.

What I meant was, why is my mind at home with Jo when before, it wouldn’t be?

All day today, I tried my hardest to be present with my patients. I listened to heartbeats and lungs, threw a diagnosis or two out there and administered and IV or two.

Yet all I could think about was how I knew my wife was at home in bed. She told me she was sick, but because I know Jo better than Jo knows herself sometimes, I knew that she was lying. If the tear streaks on her cheeks didn’t give that away, then the way her clothes don’t quite fit right anymore did.

And while I should have been paying attention to the actual sick people under my care, my mind wasn’t even in my head because all I wanted to know was if my wife was eating. Or if she had gotten out of bed yet. If she had showered. I could’ve given someone the wrong meds today and I genuinely wouldn’t have cared, as long as it meant that she had at least taken a bite of a piece of toast today.

Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is for me to give up control. But I did that yesterday because that’s just how badly I need her to be okay. Sure, I wish I was the person who could miraculously make her okay. I wish I could pull her out of whatever hell hole she’s been in the past few days, but I can’t. And if I can’t, then I have to hope that there’s somebody who can.

So, needless to even say how much I hoped that when I slid open the door to the loft, I would see her the way she used to be. I wanted to see her and Link sitting on the couch laughing, because he was my last resort. I wanted her beautiful hair to be brushed again and for my socks to be full of the clumps she left on the floor. And I wanted to open the fridge to find no more beer because she drank it all again.

And when I opened the door and heard the sound of her laughter echoing off the walls, I swear I still don’t know what stopped me from bum-rushing Link and hugging him because he did it. He really did it. He brought my beautiful, lively girl back.

Only he didn’t.

And that’s why we’re here.

I still don’t know if this was the “right” thing to do. And to be honest, I don’t know if she’s going to hate me after this or not. But I’m desperate now. Maybe even past desperate.

She sits across the room with her arms folded across her chest and her head down, still refusing to sit next to me. One half of her hair is still in knots, because she wouldn’t let me brush the other half after I told her that I was taking her to see a doctor. And nobody’s said anything but I can feel the eyes on her fuzzy purple pajama pants. It wasn’t pretty, but I told her I was bringing her “as is.” She resisted me a bit when I scooped her up and put her in the car.

“Karev?” the short little blonde calls from the door in the corner and, mostly out of habit, I stand up too.

Jo stands up so slowly that I wonder if she forgot that she could stand. It’s so quiet in this room that I can actually hear her bones shift and crack. I start to wonder how long it’s actually been since she’s walked on her own.

She takes one step without me and it’s like someone put a blanket around me and I didn’t realize I was cold and shivering until they did. I’m calmer now, just knowing that she’s even slightly agreeing to go. So I start to sit back down in my chair.

Only, she doesn’t let me.

She hasn’t spoken a word to me since we left the house nearly 45 minutes ago, but she doesn’t have to talk to let me know what she wants.

She puts her hand against mine before I can sit down all the way, and suddenly I’m not as soft as I was a second ago. A second ago, I felt like butter on toast. And in that same instant of my wife putting her hand against mine — of my wife telling me that she needs me — I’m solid again.

Because she needs me to be her rock.

She still doesn’t say anything the whole way back. We walk past a few doors; some open and some shut. Down a long hallway full of pictures of cheap plants and crap like that. And when we finally make it to the room we’re going to be in, Jo takes the seat closest to the door, like she always does. Closest to the exit. Always. And it sounds crazy, I know. But that little gesture — that little moment of her doing something so predictably her — is enough to let me know that my girl is still in there somewhere.

“So,” the therapist says as she shuts the door behind her. “If at any time you want your husband…?”

“Alex,” I mumble with a nod.

“Right,” she grins and nods back. “If at any time you want Alex to step out, just say so.” She sits at the desk across from both me and Jo and nudges a pair of glasses on. “This is our first session together, so I’m just going to really try to get to know you, Josephine. Or… Jo? Do you have a preference?”

Jo shrugs, so I — “Jo. She likes to be called Jo.”

“I see,” she nods again. “So… Jo. Just basics. What do you do for a living? I see you’re a… surgical fellow. Do you have a specialty?”

Jo just stares through the wall, blank. I reach over to hold her hand and she pulls it away.

“She um… she has a fellowship in future medicine. Which means she —“

“I would like to hear from Jo,” she says. We both turn toward her and we both know that she’s not going to say anything. So the therapist moves on to a different question. “We can always come back to your professional life when you’re ready. We can start with your personal life. What’s your marriage like? Are you happy?”

Jo nods, which is something and it’s something the therapist seems to run with.

“Any children?”

Jo and I both shake our heads at the same time.

“Ever been pregnant? Any history of miscarriages or abortions? Anything?”

I shake my head to answer that because I really don’t think Jo will and of course I know the answer to that.

Except, I guess I don’t.

Because Jo nods her head.

And for a split second, all I feel is anger. Coursing through my body. Like it replaced my blood.

Only for a split second, though.

In the next instant, all I feel is —

“Alex?” The therapist calls my name, which slaps me back to reality too quickly for me to really process… anything.

“What!?” I accidentally snap.

“Could you… step out?”

“She didn’t —“

“Alex,” the therapist says again. And this time, I trace her eyes to Jo’s eyes.

Jo’s eyes are low. Blank. Lifeless. But she is looking at me. Which is more than I can say for the past few days.

“Please.” The therapist says. And I’m waiting for Jo to put her hand on mine again, waiting for her to let me know that she wants me to stay again.

But she doesn’t. And before I can process anything, my legs are up out of my chair. And I’m out in the hallway. And my mind is off in a thousand different directions.

I swear, all marriage is to me is being scared every second of the day. It’s like having a piece of my heart walking around outside my body and I spend my every waking moment worried and hoping that the little piece of my heart — the piece that I know is depressed — is okay.

If I ever had any doubt of how much Jo has changed every inch of who I used to be, it’s this. Right here.

Because as much as I feel the old me — the me that’s still there just buried underneath everything that has grown — ready to rage because apparently my wife has been pregnant and I don’t know about it….

I just walk back to the waiting room and wait. For the next hour that Jo’s in therapy, I know my head is going to be a mess. I’m going to be wondering when she was pregnant and why I didn’t know. Trying to piece together a timeline that makes sense for me to have missed the signs. Trying to wonder if she was saying yes to having had a miscarriage or if she said yes to having had an abortion.

Yeah, I’m angry. Angry that my wife didn’t tell me something like this.

But more than that….

I just want my Jo to be okay.

#jolex #fanfiction #alex karev #jo wilson

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teanaoverton · 6 years

Text

still swimming.

i thought the first year of law school was suppose to be the toughest. that was not the case for me.

this past semester, the first of my 2L year was the most trying experience of my life. and sheesh, i have dealt with a lot of experiences.

before we go any further, i think its important to tell you a little about myself and warn you of some contents that this post will contain.

i am brutally honest. i dont believe in sugar coating the truth, and so i wont. this post may be triggering to anyone who has every experienced sexual assault and/or sexual harassment. this post is my truth. and if you havent noticed by now, i do not like capital letters or formal punctuation. and i also cant spell.

anyway, back to the story.

the beginning of the semester started off rocky. i worked for my school and assisted with many task including orientation for the first year students and the title ix policy updates (thanks betsy *eyeroll*).

unfortunately, i had to use that title ix policy.

at the end of july, my key card to get in and out of my school’s parking deck was not working properly. i expressed my concern to a security officer. instead of walking to the gate, he walked with me to the parking deck and followed me to my car. we were the only two in the parking deck.

while at my car, he asked me on a date. i was not interested in the slightest. but hey, im a girl all alone in the parking deck with a security guard. i had just heard about a woman getting killed for rejecting a man. and i sure tf have no lived enough to die. so i told him that school was starting soon and i did not have time. smooth escape i thought. and i also thought that would be it, i was wrong.

the next week, i left the second floor (where i worked) to go downstairs and get a snack from the vending machines. he saw me and ran to try and pay for my snack, thoughtful gesture, but i refused as i did not want to lead him on. he then followed me to the elevators and handed me a note with his number on it.

i had to cross paths with him to get to work, and he would make comments to me. once in particular troubled me.“you dont work on wednesdays, we could go out on a wednesday.” and that is when a red flag went off for me.

why do you know my work schedule? ive already said i wasnt interest, why are you still actively pursing me? so i told my friend/co-worker about the interactions and asked her to walk me to my car.

while working late one evening, he came to the suite and started talking and staring. it was after hours and he was no longer on the clock. the other security officer on duty was probably home with his feet kicked up by this hour. instead of doing the same... he came to “see what was going on.” being aware of the situation and that i was uncomfortable, my friend engaged in the conversation so i didnt have to. bless her.

during orientation, we had leftover food. my boss at the time asked me to take some to the security officers. my friend and i locked eyes knowing i sure tf was not about to lead this man on by any means. so, that is when i told my boss at the time that i was good off doing that. if you know who my boss was, you know she will get the truth out of you.

one thing lead to another and boom, the incidents were reported to HR. who i was required to meet with. during the first week of classes, i met both HR and my boss to reassure them that i was not looking to get a black man fired, i just wanted to be left alone.

time went by, nothing happened. i still was uncomfortable passing the security desk. i would have friends walk with me to the car so i wouldnt be alone bc guess who did rounds in the parking deck, yeah. you guessed it, him.

unfortunately, my request was not fulfilled. he did not leave me alone. i was required to do a tabling event for work. guess where that tabling event was? right across from the security desk. gr8!!! he looked at me and loudly started saying "i shouldn't have to come to work and be uncomfortable.” he said this several times, causing others in the area to look and see what was going on.

again, the tabling event was for work (different job btw). i was sitting next to my boss who was unaware of the previous interactions. she too asked “why is he screaming like that?”

i sat there in shock. in silence. and on the clock, so i couldnt leave.

why. should. he. have. to. come. to. work. and. feel. uncomfortable.

that was it, my breaking point. i felt unsafe. i expressed my concerns to the appropriate parties. eventually time went on and he was transferred.

shortly after, repressed memories of my childhood rape surfaced during a therapy session. along with many thoughts: was i over exaggerating? did i lead him on in anyway? could i have done more to let him know i wasnt interested before reporting the incidents? was this my fault?

guilt.

i lost track of what was happening in real life because i was so distracted by the thoughts in my head. but as soon as i gained back some control, real life hit me again. my legal writing assignment had been posted. and guess what the topic was? sexual harassment in the work place.

you mean to tell me, i have to do research, write a brief, and have an oral argument about sexual harassment? shit, someone call my therapist.

i wrote some shit on some paper. and that was that. what was happening in my classes? no clue. what was happening in my life? no clue. what was going on in the world? no clue.

i got lost again.

i just wanted to float and let the current carry me for awhile. i wanted to watch the clouds chase each other into different corners of the sky like freed kites who never worry about the meaning of away. i wanted to float. ive been swimming so long.

but my thoughts eventually had an off switch and i was good again. then guess what?

kavanaugh.

here we fucking go again.

the student body president signed an aba petition to conduct an impartial hearing on kav. and for some reason, some students were pissed. so they took it upon themselves to write a petition to have the sba president remove his name from the aba petition and issue an apology.

i need you to pay very close attention for this part.

i sat in class triggered. surrounded by people signing this petition while tears poured down my face. how fucking disgusting are you people.

now the only reason i know what the petition actual was is because i am in sba. otherwise, i would have no clue it ever existed. want to know why? because the students who wrote the petition never asked me to sign it. trust me, i am not offended. in fact, im honored that they knew better than to bring some bullshit like that to me. but what was upsetting, when another student asked what was going on (why everyone was gathered looking at the petition), the authors of it said “we’re just looking at some stuff about aba accreditation.”

baby, if you gonna talk about it. be about it. smh.

the petition surfaced. and the names on it, wow. people i looked up to. people i considered role models. women who are allegedly advocates for women. women in general. even a few self-proclaimed feminist.

wow. the names.

so many people who have reached out to me when i told my story about being raped as a child. so many people i believed would be there for me if i asked for help dealing with the recent sexual harassment. so many frauds.

their names, they were on it. big and bold.

i didnt want to float anymore. i wanted to drown.

i was suffering. isolating myself from everyone. i did the absolute bare minimum. i distanced myself from my family, my friends, from everyone around me.

i didnt read for any of my classes. i stopped caring. i had thoughts about dropping out of school. i still have the withdrawal email in my draft.

i want to give someone credit for helping me through this, but i cant. this ocean, its so big. but hell, i havent drowned yet.

meanwhile, im still swimming.

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smilesandcurls · 7 years

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09 October, 2017

So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.

My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.

Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.

My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.

This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.

Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.

Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.

I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.

My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.

In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on

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bootisimo · 7 years

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ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!!

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen)

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way.

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

#personal #really fucking personal #also very voluminous personal jfc #i just spent 40min typing this instead of doing math homework #nice

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negasonic-adult-warhead · 8 years

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More Story (From Me)

When I was six years old I was 20lbs. My parents discovered that this was an issue when I came to them at 4am early on a Tuesday morning, then told them “I don’t feel normal.” I remember feeling too dizzy and tired to recall the word ‘well,’ and passed out in my mothers arms. The last thing I remember from that night was her asking me, over and over again: “Ryli, what’s normal? What is normal for you? What’s wrong?”

I was too young to understand at the time that this was just the beginning of my problems. After 4 months of bouncing from hospital to hospital, I wound up at Jons Hopkins in Baltimore, MD. Since a very young age I was obsessed with pet bunnies, and I clearly remember some friends buying me all kinds of stuffed rabbits as I waited for the diagnosis. My favorite then was Baltimore Bunny; a pink, floppy rabbit with a red and blue sweater who accompanied me everywhere since I adopted him from the hospital gift shop.

By the time my parents knew for sure what ailed me, I had become so used to IV’s that I would watch them put the tip of the needle into my pulsing veins.

I was too small, the diagnosis said. My metabolism is hyperactive, resulting in my body eating my muscle. The result is a condition called hypoglycemia. As it turns out, I had traveled thousands of miles only to discover that drinking corn starch before bed would help me put on muscle mass, and therefore prevent more weight loss as I grew up.

My parents would mix corn starch with whole milk every night before bed, rewarding me with a chocolate malt ball if I finished it in a timely manner. To this day, Whoppers remain my favorite candy. I joined the swim team so that I worked out to put on weight, and it gave my skin the darkest tan I would ever receive; as five days a week in the middle of the Florida afternoon will do that.

I got my first pet bunny when I was five, and it died. My second pet bunny, and it died too. I got a pair of bunnies, then gave them away. The last bunny I had when I was seven years old was named Spotty, and my mother accidentally killed him of a heat stroke when she moved his cage outside for the day (but I didn’t learn that was how he died until only last year). I stuck to stuffed animals for the next thirteen years.

Ever since I was born, I had the habit of sucking my fingers, and it didn’t go away until I was nearly ten years old. Which gave way immediately to another strange behavior, licking my lips until they were chapped and bled.

When I was 13 I began developing acne. As another behavior, I began to pick at the scars on my skin and pimples on my face. It left deep marks on my arms and chest, but I found it difficult to stop. Of course, I bit my nails back then, as I still do today—but what confused me about all of this is that to me, they weren’t connected.

My parents labeled these as habits and began to tie consequences to them. With all respect to them, they were doing the best that they could to raise me. I regularly disobeyed them, and the same second that they began to tie my habits to punishments was the same second that I began to pull away from them. I couldn’t understand things. I didn’t know why I continued to struggle with this habit, especially when dropping it should have been just as easy as they described.

I don’t think I realized it at first. Perhaps it was because I felt lonely, perhaps because I felt my behaviors were driving a wedge between me and my parents. My parents did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. I am one of sixteen children; God knows they had their hands full and had no chance of seeing my issues for what they really were.

My first iPhone quickly took the place of my scarring habits. I was on that device all the time. I was the reason my parents made my siblings keep their electronics plugged into the wall by my parents’ bed every night, the reason they were not allowed to be played with in the car, and the reason that no one could use one without accountability. I had discovered the online world, and all of the dangers that came with it.

I gave myself my first self-harm cut when I was 16. My parents and I had gotten into an argument, and I had locked myself in the bathroom and cut three small lines into the edge of my wrist with a razor immediately after that.

I covered it with a band-aid and struggled to hide my shame. It felt perfect. I’d let all of the anxiety out in just a few small marks. The only unforeseen thing about this addiction is that it quickly escalates into more of it, as the feeling itself is something that cannot be experienced once and then never touched again.

Of course things got out of hand fast. I couldn’t understand why, though. I knew that I felt depressed, lost and trapped, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I began to panic and become upset with myself, not understanding what was wrong or what exactly it was that I was struggling with.

And whatever I was struggling with felt so much bigger than me.

When I struggled with self-harm, it felt so easy to sit and wallow in my own problems. Everything felt far away, too unreachable, and my future vague at best. I was told by my parents that they would never send me to college, as it was dangerous for me to be left alone. And then, my Mom and Dad, panicking that they would lose their daughter (which was, at that point, a very real possibility), gave me a pet rabbit.

It was the first rabbit I’d had since Spotty passed away about thirteen years before. She was pure white, soft, her fur long and calming to the touch. I took her to my therapy sessions. She would sit on my lap as I talked to my family therapist, who also counseled my parents out of their fears.

It wasn’t long before I realized therapy wouldn’t help. I was spiraling down a chasm that I felt I had no way out of. I don’t know how it is for most people who struggle with self-harm. Through my life, I’ve met about five other people who have struggled with the same thing. It’s strange to think that people will just label this issue as ‘Cutting’ and describe those who engage in this activity as ‘Cutters,’ as if they are defined by their struggles.

In this I find a dilemma. As children mature, they have all kinds of interesting habits and odd quirks. Sometimes these are defined as morally perverse or socially unacceptable—as they should be. However, if someone struggles with temper tantrums as a child, do they grow up and deserve the title of ‘Abusive,’ or ‘Fast Tempered?’ Should that be something that sticks with them their entire life?

Of course not! And yet, it seems some are so fast to title or label someone who has these struggles as if they will never overcome them. As if it is something that they will be forced to repeat and never escape from throughout their entire life. This doesn’t seem important, per se, especially when my argument at the beginning of this paper seems to contradict this paragraph entirely, but let me show you what I mean.

People who receive these labels can, and in my case, will hold onto them. Blame everything in their lives on them. Feel as though it is all that they will ever amount to in life. The only way that I found to break through this mold that I had unintentionally fallen into was to completely shatter it. For myself, if not for anyone else.

I started running. Sometime through high school I had fallen off the swim team. I got back onto it. I made it to the USAT National Championships for Triathlons. I began training for a marathon.

And every day, when I went out for a run, alone… at night… without my phone, as I had lost all my privileges to it… I told myself that, one day, things would be better. I’d have proven to my family and to myself that I could be whoever I wanted to be. And little by little, the scars began to fade… not multiply. I know this struggle is different for everyone, but for me, it took two years to finally stop cutting. Just because I don’t cut myself anymore doesn’t mean it never comes to mind. Relapse is very easy to have happen, and what’s important is to never adopt those labels again.

The day I finished the Marine Corps Marathon was the day I knew I had hope. I cried like a baby when I crossed the finish line. The finishers’ medal is hanging off a lamp in my dorm room, along with the jars that I used to put a rock into for each day that I trained. I ran cross-country for SU last semester, and this semester, I’ve joined the crew team. Athletics has been the key to the lock of anxiety that I found was chaining me down.

As for my pet bunny, Sugarbuns, she’s been adopted into a new home since I came to college. My parents and I have been on hard terms recently, but, as I now know, the only thing that’s important in life is to never stop hoping and dreaming that things will get better. Since coming to Stetson, I’ve been much less afraid to tell my story. There’s something about going to such an inclusive, small school and meeting people that you form such close bonds with that I find incredibly special.

If you’re struggling with self-harm today, the only advice that I can give you is that you have to believe you are so much more than what you struggle with. It’s simple to think that your labels define you, but if you don’t push through it, then you’ll never know what’s on the other side. I had no idea there was so much to live for until I came to SU.

#mylife #mystory #anxiety #depression #suicide #selfharm #thereishope

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gordonwilliamsweb · 4 years

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Pandemic Forced Insurers To Pay For In-Home Treatments. Will They Disappear?

After seven days as an inpatient for complications related to heart problems, Glenn Shanoski was initially hesitant when doctors suggested in early April that he could cut his hospital stay short and recover at home — with high-tech 24-hour monitoring and daily visits from medical teams.

But Shanoski, a 52-year-old electrician in Salem, Massachusetts, decided to give it a try. He’d felt increasingly lonely in a hospital where the COVID pandemic meant no visitors. Also, Boston’s Tufts Medical Center wanted to free up beds for a possible surge of the coronavirus.

With a push from COVID-19, such “hospital-at-home” programs and other remote technologies — from online visits with doctors to virtual physical therapy to home oxygen monitoring — have been rapidly rolled out and, often, embraced.

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As remote visits quickly ramped up, Medicare and many private insurers, which previously had limited telehealth coverage, temporarily relaxed payment rules, allowing what has been an organic experiment to proceed.

“This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing,” said Preeti Raghavan, associate professor of physical medicine and rehabilitation and neurology at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. “It usually takes a long time — 17 years — for an idea to become accepted and deployed and reimbursed in medical practice.”

Physical therapists traded some hands-on care for video-game-like rehabilitation programs patients can do on home computer screens. And hospitals like Tufts, where Shanoski was a patient, sped up preexisting plans for hospital-at-home initiatives. Doctors and patients were often enthusiastic about the results.

“It’s a great program,” said Shanoski, now fully recovered after 11 days of receiving this care. At home, he could talk with his fiancée “and walk around and be with my dogs.”

But what will remain of these innovations in the post-COVID era is now the million-dollar question. There is a need to assess what is gained — or lost — when a service is delivered remotely. Another variable is whether insurers, which currently reimburse virtual visits at the same rate as if they were in person, will continue to do so. If not, what is a proper amount?

It remains to be seen what types of novel remote care will persist from this born-of-necessity experiment.

Said Glenn Melnick, a health care economist at the University of Southern California who studies hospital systems: “Pieces of it will, but we have to figure out which ones.”

Hospital At Home

Long established in parts of Australia, England, Italy and Spain, such remote programs for hospital care have not caught on here, in large part because U.S. hospitals make money by filling beds.

Hospital-at-home initiatives are offered to stable patients with common diagnoses — like heart failure, pneumonia and kidney infections — who need hospital services that can now be delivered and managed at a distance.

Patients’ homes are temporarily equipped with the necessities, including monitors and communication equipment as well as backup internet and power sources. Care is overseen by health professionals in remote “command centers.”

Medically Home, the private company providing the service for Tufts, sent its own nurses, paramedics and other employees to handle Shanoski’s daily medical care — such as blood tests or consultations via camera with doctors. They inserted an IV and made sure it was working properly during their visits, which often totaled three a day. Even when Medically Home employees were not there, devices monitored Shanoski’s blood pressure and oxygen levels.

For patients transferred from the hospital, like Shanoski, Tufts pays Medically Home a portion of what the hospital receives in payment. For transfers from an emergency room, Medically Home is paid directly by insurers with which it has contracts.

Before the pandemic, at least 20 U.S. health systems had some form of hospital-at-home setup, said Bruce Leff, a professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine who has studied such programs. He said that, for the right patients, they’re just as safe as in-hospital care and can cost 20% to 30% less.

Tele-Rehab?

Glenn Shanoski, a 52-year-old electrician, spent 11 days with hospital-level care at home —– offered by Tufts Medical Center in Boston. Tufts provides daily visits from medical teams to closely monitor patients in their homes. (Courtesy of Glenn Shanoski)

When the coronavirus shut down elective procedures, many physical therapy offices had to close, too. But a number of patients who had recently had surgery or injuries were at a crucial point in recovery.

Therapists scrambled to set up video capability, while their trade association called insurers and regulators to convince them that remote physical therapy should be covered.

At the end of April, the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services added remote physical, speech and occupational therapy to the list of medical services it would cover during the pandemic. Just as it had done for other services, the agency said payment would be the same as for an in-person visit.

Though some patient care cannot be done virtually, such as hands-on manipulation of tight muscles, the doctors discovered many advantages: “When you see them in their home, you can see exactly their situation. Rugs lying around on the floor. What hazards are in the environment, what support systems they have,” said Raghavan, the rehabilitation physician at Johns Hopkins. “We can understand their context.”

Using video links, therapists can assess how a patient moves or walks, for example, or demonstrate home exercises. There are also specially designed video-game programs — similar to Nintendo Wii — that utilize motion sensors to help rehabilitation patients improve balance or specific skills.

“Tele-rehab was very much in the research phase and wasn’t deployed on a wide scale,” Raghavan said. Her department now does 9 out of 10 visits remotely, up from zero before March.

Pneumonia Monitoring

Even before the coronavirus emergency, some patients with mild pneumonia were treated as outpatients.

Now, with hospitals busy with COVID-19 cases and patients eager to minimize unneeded exposure, more physicians are considering this option and for sicker patients. The key is using a small device called a pulse oximeter, which clips onto the end of a finger and measures heart rate, while also estimating the proportion of oxygen in the blood. Costing at most a few hundred dollars, and long common in doctors’ offices, clinics and emergency rooms, the tiny machine can be sent home with patients or purchased online.

“We do it on a case-by-case basis,” said Dr. Gary LeRoy, president of the American Academy of Family Physicians. It’s a good option for relatively healthy patients but is not appropriate for those with underlying conditions that could lead them to deteriorate rapidly, such as heart or lung disease or diabetes, he said.

A pulse oximeter reading of 95% to 100% is considered normal. Generally, LeRoy tells patients to call his office if their readings fall below 90%, or if they have symptoms like fever, chills, confusion, increasing cough or fatigue and their levels are in the 91-to-94 range. That could signal a deterioration that requires further assessment and possibly hospitalization.

“Having a personal physician involved in the process is critically important because you need to know the nuances” of the patient’s history, he said.

What It All Looks Like In The Future

Virtual therapy requires patients or their caregivers to accept more responsibility for maintaining the treatment regimen, and also for activities like bathing and taking medicines. In return, patients get the convenience of being at home.

But the biggest wild card in whether current innovations persist may be how generously insurers decide to cover them. If insurers decide to reimburse telehealth at far less than an in-person visit, that “will have a huge impact on continued use,” said Mike Seel, vice president of the consulting firm Freed Associates in California. A related issue is whether insurers will allow patients’ primary caregivers to deliver treatment remotely or require outsourcing to a distant telehealth service, which might leave patients feeling less satisfied.

The industry’s lobbying group, America’s Health Insurance Plans, said the ongoing crisis has shown that telehealth works. But it offered no specifics on future reimbursement, other than encouraging insurers to “closely collaborate” with local care providers.

Whether virtual therapy is cost-effective “remains to be seen,” said USC’s Melnick. And it depends on perspective: It may be cheaper for a hospital to do a virtual physical therapy session, but the patient might not see any savings if insurance doesn’t reduce the out-of-pocket cost.

Pandemic Forced Insurers To Pay For In-Home Treatments. Will They Disappear? published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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stephenmccull · 4 years

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Pandemic Forced Insurers To Pay For In-Home Treatments. Will They Disappear?

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“It’s a great program,” said Shanoski, now fully recovered after 11 days of receiving this care. At home, he could talk with his fiancée “and walk around and be with my dogs.”

It remains to be seen what types of novel remote care will persist from this born-of-necessity experiment.

Said Glenn Melnick, a health care economist at the University of Southern California who studies hospital systems: “Pieces of it will, but we have to figure out which ones.”

Hospital At Home

Long established in parts of Australia, England, Italy and Spain, such remote programs for hospital care have not caught on here, in large part because U.S. hospitals make money by filling beds.

Tele-Rehab?

Therapists scrambled to set up video capability, while their trade association called insurers and regulators to convince them that remote physical therapy should be covered.

“Tele-rehab was very much in the research phase and wasn’t deployed on a wide scale,” Raghavan said. Her department now does 9 out of 10 visits remotely, up from zero before March.

Pneumonia Monitoring

Even before the coronavirus emergency, some patients with mild pneumonia were treated as outpatients.

“Having a personal physician involved in the process is critically important because you need to know the nuances” of the patient’s history, he said.

What It All Looks Like In The Future

Pandemic Forced Insurers To Pay For In-Home Treatments. Will They Disappear? published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

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dinafbrownil · 4 years

Text

Pandemic Forced Insurers To Pay For In-Home Treatments. Will They Disappear?

Don't Miss A Story

Subscribe to KHN’s free Weekly Edition newsletter.

Please confirm your email address below:

“It’s a great program,” said Shanoski, now fully recovered after 11 days of receiving this care. At home, he could talk with his fiancée “and walk around and be with my dogs.”

It remains to be seen what types of novel remote care will persist from this born-of-necessity experiment.

Said Glenn Melnick, a health care economist at the University of Southern California who studies hospital systems: “Pieces of it will, but we have to figure out which ones.”

Hospital At Home

Long established in parts of Australia, England, Italy and Spain, such remote programs for hospital care have not caught on here, in large part because U.S. hospitals make money by filling beds.

Tele-Rehab?

Therapists scrambled to set up video capability, while their trade association called insurers and regulators to convince them that remote physical therapy should be covered.

“Tele-rehab was very much in the research phase and wasn’t deployed on a wide scale,” Raghavan said. Her department now does 9 out of 10 visits remotely, up from zero before March.

Pneumonia Monitoring

Even before the coronavirus emergency, some patients with mild pneumonia were treated as outpatients.

“Having a personal physician involved in the process is critically important because you need to know the nuances” of the patient’s history, he said.

What It All Looks Like In The Future

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/pandemic-forced-insurers-to-pay-for-in-home-treatments-will-they-disappear/

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smilingformoney · 5 years

Text

It Lives in the Woods Diamond Scene: Read Dan’s Texts

You: Let’s do it. It seems like Dan wants us to know, and this is the only way he can tell us. You open Dan’s messaging app, and Stacy scoots her chair over next to yours. You: Okay, so when did all this stuff start? Stacy, you said before that Dan was having breakdowns at football games, right? When was that? Stacy: Sometime around last September, I think. Stacy reads over your shoulder as you scroll backwards through Dan’s life, rewinding across days… weeks… months…

Saturday, September 17 | 11:09 am Stacy: hey dan, its stacy… r u doing alright? Dan: yeah, what do you mean? Stacy: i saw u after the game last night… Dan: ? Stacy: crying? under the bleachers? Dan: lol what? must’ve been somebody else Stacy: im pretty sure it was you Dan: well I’m pretty sure it wasn’t lol Stacy: Then they looked a lot like you. and had your same jersey #. and afterwards im pretty sure they stole ur car Dan: I’m fine. Stacy: ok Stacy: just… i hope u know u can talk to me Stacy: about anything

Sunday, September 18 | 1:42 pm Mom: Everything okay, kiddo? Dan: yeah why Mom: My mom senses are tingling. Also I found Picard meowing outside your door this morning, and you only kick him out when you’re upset. Dan: I’m okay… just school stress and stuff. I didnt sleep super great last night Mom: Are you having the nightmares again? Dan: no, and no offense, but can we please not do the talk again Mom: ‘The Talk’? Dan: the one where I tell you a bunch of stuff that makes you look at me like a sick puppy and u try to convince me to see a shrink and I say no and we argue Mom: Ouch. Dan: sorry… im just tired Mom: Look, I know you don’t want to talk to a therapist Mom: (because you’re stubborn and you are your father’s son) Mom: But I worry about you. And I want you to be okay. Dan: I know Mom: What do you think about something like this? Mom: “New App Places Therapy at your Fingert…” Read the whole story at healthnews.pb/2016/09/15/227x941/… Dan: what is this? texting with a therapist? seems kinda cheesy… Mom: Just think about it.

Thursday, September 29 | 2:19 am Emily: hi there :) Do you prefer Daniel, or Dan? Dan: dan is fine Emily: Well Dan, my name is Dr. Emily Chambal and I’ll be your Lighthouse counselor. Emily: How are you feeling? Dan: what like now or in general? Emily: Let’s start with now. Dan: idk…hungry? Emily: Same. I’m eating nachos! Dan: aw man. Now I want nachos Emily: Yes, so does my German Shepherd. Dan: lol Emily: So how have you been feeling lately? Dan: idk… hard to describe. kind of alone i guess? Emily: Alone like sad? Dan: no. more like… scared

You: What did Dan have to be afraid of? This was long before all the creepy stuff started happening… right? Stacy: Hm… Skip ahead to November, just after Thanksgiving break. Stacy: Dan was out of school for a couple days in a row and… I don’t know. Something about it felt weird to me. You: Okay, let’s see…

Wednesday, November 30 | 9:14 am Mom: Dan, I’m trying to be respectful and give you your space but it’s been three days Mom: I’m getting worried. And the school is calling. And you have half our cups and bowls in there. Mom: please open the door Dan: tomorrow

Wednesday, November 30 | 3:17 pm Emily: Is this the first time you’ve had an episode like this? Dan: never this long Dan: idk what’s wrong with me. im just lying here shaking Emily: Did something happen that might have set this off? Dan: sort of. we went to my uncle’s cabin for thxgiving and i started having nightmares Emily: Were they about what happened? The incident when you were a kid? Dan: yeah Emily: Are you ready to talk about that yet? Dan: no Emily: That’s fine, no rush. You don’t have to answer this, but I have one other question. Would you describe this incident as negative? Or violent? Dan: yes… understatement of the century Emily: And would you say, before this episode, that it’s been a while since you last thought about it? Dan: sort of… I think about it a lot. but I try not to Dan: it got better for a few years… i just pretended it happened to someone else Emily: But visiting your uncle’s cabin brought it back for you? And then it all came rushing back to you? Sound about right? Dan: yes Emily: Okay. Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Dan: good please Emily: The good news is, I think you’re making progress. And I think we might have an idea of what we’re dealing with now. Emily: The bad news is, from everything you’ve told me over the last couple weeks, it sounds like you might be dealing with symptoms of dissociation that manifest with some forms of PTSD Dan: what does that mean? Emily: It means this may get worse before it gets better. Emily: But I do believe it will get better. I hope you do too.

You: Looks like the next big batch is around February… Stacy: Oh, no. Winter formal… You: What happened? Stacy: After the dance, there was a big party at Seth’s house. Stacy: I found Dan freaking out in the bathroom, but then I left for a minute, and he just took off…

Friday, February 10 | 2:18 am Stacy: Dan? i left to get towels and u disappeared, where r u Dan: I’m fine, I walked home Stacy: ur clearly NOT fine Stacy: wtf is going on with u?! talk to me!! Dan: just leave me alone Stacy: okay.

Friday, February 10 | 9:14 am Mom: You came home kinda late last night. Everything okay, kiddo? Dan: ya im fine Mom: Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it? Dan: NO. for the millionth time: I AM FINE

Saturday, February 11 | 4:15 pm Dan: I did something dumb the other night… Emily: What happened? Dan: i went to a party even though i was feeling bad Dan: i had a freakout, and i was really crappy to someone who was trying to help me Dan: …two people actually Emily: Have you had any more episodes recently? Dan: sort of… ive been having nightmares all week Dan: also, as I was coming home frmm the party, i went by the woods... and I thought I saw something. Dan: i guess it was probably just a hallucination but it really freaked me out. p sure i ran most of the way home Emily: These woods… are they near where your original incident took place? Dan: yeah Emily: Okay, let me ask you this… Emily: How do you feel when you see a forest? Or when you think about being inside one? Dan: bad Emily: Bad how? Dan: like i cant breathe Emily: Do you think the woods might be a trigger for you? You see a bunch of dark trees and you start thinking about what happened? Dan: yeah! Like at my uncle’s cabin! Emily: If that’s the case, then I think I have an idea for how we might start to deal with this. Let me run something by you…

Stacy: After that… I think my last text with Dan was in June.

Monday, June 5 | 4:15 pm Stacy: Hi Dan. I was thinking about you today. It’s been a few months since we talked and I’m sad with how we left things off. I hope you’re doing okay. Dan: Hi stacy. I’m good :) Dan: I mean I wasnt before, but I think im getting better. I can’t talk now but…soon? Stacy: that’d be great Dan: have a good summer vacation! Stacy: u too dan

Monday, June 5 | 6:15 pm Dan: New record! Emily: Woo! Dan: this time I went right up to the treeline & stood there for 10 minutes Emily: That’s great! I’m happy that you’re making so much progress. Dan: its not enough though. i still have to go inside Dan: i have to see the place where it happened. i have to face it. Emily: Remember not to push yourself too hard, okay? If this starts to stress you out too much, there are always other methods we can try. Emily: Just take it one day at a time.

You: It’s mostly little texts after that, all throughout summer. You: One step into the woods… a picnic five feet inside… He was working his way up to it. Working his way up to… You: Last week.

Sunday | 3:15 pm Mom: You have everything you need? Dan: yep Mom: Toothbrush? Underwear? Blanket? Dan: yep yep yep Mom: Okay. Have fun, stay safe! You want me to come and pick you up from Tony’s tomorrow? Dan: you don’t have to do that. i’ll walk Mom: K. Call if you change your mind? Dan: lol, you’re acting like this is some huge deal. i’ve crashed at Tony’s house like a million times Mom: Not for years! I’m just so happy to see that you’re doing better. Mom: I love you. Dan: thanks mom. love u too. see u tomorrow

5:15 pm Dan: Hi Dr. Chambal. I’m standing on the edge of the woods for what I hope is going to be the last time. Just wanted to say thank you for all your help. Dan: I’m going in there tonight. And this time, I’m going all the way to where it happened. To end this once and for all. Dan: I’m going to walk into that house and tell Mr. Red he’s not real. And he never was. And he doesn’t scare me anymore.

10:15 pm Emily: Hi Dan. Sorry, Sundays are my day off, just saw your messages. Emily: I’m glad I’ve been helpful to you, but I hope you understand that trauma isn’t something you can just ‘fix’ with one grand gesture. Emily: Dealing with what happened is going to take a lifetime of work that may not ever stop. but it will get easier. Emily: There are also limits to what a mental health professional can do via text, and I do still strongly encourage you to consider traditional therapy as a long term treatment option. Emily: Also, I hope that if you’re going into the woods, you’re staying safe and taking a buddy. Emily: You have a lot of people who care about you, and there are other dangerous things out there besides bad memories. Emily: take care, talk soon

10:47 pm Emily: wait I just re-read your last text Emily: Who’s Mr. Red? Emily: Dan? Who is Mr. Red? Emily: Are you there? Emily: Dan???

You put down Dan’s phone, your hands shaking a little. You: Oh, Dan… I’m so sorry. I promise, we’re going to find a way to help you. And… You: …And when you wake up, we’re going to be here for you. Whatever you need. You squeeze Dan’s hand… and he lets out a long sigh. Dan +15 Dan: Hhhhhhh… Noah: We’ll help more than that quack doctor. She told Dan it was all in his mind! She’s the reason he went to face Mr. Red! Lily: That’s not fair, Noah. Dr. Chambal didn’t tell him to do that. She did the best she could with the information Dan gave her. Lucas: And it did seem like she was helping him. It seemed like he was getting better at dealing with everything, until… Ava: …Until Mr. Red ruined everything. Again.

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undyinghappinessblog · 6 years

Text

Oh Hi!

Oh hey. Haha fuck I sound like my 6 year old self...”Oh hey diary! How are you? Sorry I havent written in a while..” But....yeah. I haven’t. So I think I have quite a few things to catch myself up on.

I am not really sure if the reason I have’nt been writing. It think its a combination of being really busy (I moved, my cousin got married, my grandma Betty passed away, Ive been working two jobs pretty consistently, I’m still in acting classes, I’m trying to find a new agent) mixed with the fact that I am seeing a therapist once a week, so I guess a lot of the things that I would find myself writing about on here are being worked out with a professional in the real world.

The trouble with being so busy, is everything kind of tends to feel like its coming at you at a warped hyper speed, you know? Like I feel like a lot of the time I dont have the luxury or the time to really process anything or be in the present moment because I’m too busy worrying about what needs to be done, or I am working....Its something that I have been trying to work on in therapy. I am also meditating before I go to sleep at night-trying to be present and also boost my self confidence. And when I finally DO have a minute to process things, I find myself being really tired and needing to lie down and close my eyes. Its really hard to find that time for me, and I am learning more and more that that time is something that I really need to find a way to prioritize. Finding time to just be with myself and not be distracted by thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing or what I need to do in the next couple of days, you know?

I also find myself getting a little sad and scared that I am too busy worrying and stressing and working myself so hard that I am missing out on moments that are more important...Like genuine time with myself or my friends. Really enjoying time in the moment with little things like the sun, blue skies, leaves blowing in the wind, reading a book, painting, writing, etc.

Anyway..I guess that was just a really long winded way of me saying ‘I have been really busy’.

So...I’ll just give a quick recap of the past couple of months.

Okay, so I thiiiiiink I wrote about working on ‘Sacred Lies’ on my last post? But just in case, I will give a quick little refresher. So I got cast as an SOC principle character on a TV show about a cult...and my roommate Daniel actually got cast too, so it was really nice to have a carpool buddy and someone that I could talk to on set. But it turned out that I was actually okay on my own too. The cast was really nice and I ended up making some pretty cool friends with a couple of them.

Its been prettttyyyy much dead for me since then though. So in terms of acting, I have been unemployed since April. And I knooowwww that I should feel liucky for the opportunity-AND I DO!!!. Its just, I am starting to feel a little antsy...and wanting to get back on something...anything!! I’ve said it many times before, but its really hard for a woman to navigate through this industry. And I’m not even a fuckin minority- I know I have white privelage, and I feel shitty saying this, but....Its been really tough for me as a woman in this industry in the past few months, man.

Like. I am just going to rant here for a sec. Since Sacred Lies, Daniel has booked 3 more shows and has gone down to LA twice to see casting directors and shit. And I have had....maaayybe 3 auditions? I wanna say 2 of them were one liners. What reaaallllyyyy bothers me is that I can guarantee that these booking have NOTHING to do with his talent, or his resume (think I have spoken about his weird act-y voice and his horrible, narcissistic attitude). It all has to do with the fact that he is a tall, young looking white guy. THATS IT.

The thing I dont understand about hollywood is this. They FINALLY make these HUGE blockbuster films starring women and people of colour like ‘Wonder Woman’ and ‘Black Panther’ and ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and they all make MAAAADDD bank. They are so well received that they break box office records. Which absolutely makes sense because there are people who are FINALLY feeling represented and like they ACTUALLY see themselves in the characters on screen. But they still make so many films that have a 1. pro-dominantly white cast and 2. Most of the main characters are played by WHITE MEN. Like...How many Hollywood Rom-Coms have cast someone who identifies as First Nations as a lead? Someone who identifies as Middle Eastern? Muslim? Asian? Lesbian? Trans? Non-Binary? Truthfully, there are maaannny things about the injustices in this industry that I am not even aware of, and I could be overstepping my boundaries by saying all of this, but man. If I am feeling unrepresented and angry as a white woman, I cannot even IMAGINE how angry many of the minorities feel. Fuck it makes me so angry man. Honestly, I could talk about this for hours until my head blows up or I throw my fucking computer across the room, so I am just going to stop there by saying this. More people of colour need to be cast (especially First Nations actors!!), more women need to be given larger roles and more women need to write, direct, produce, AD, edit, sound design-every single role in film needs more women. Period.

Okay moving on. My cousin Alex got married this summer! Fuck that was emotional. The whole experience was just so lovely and happy and so much fun. She was married on the lake that we grew up spending our summers on. There was a lot of smoke from forest fires, but it was still so beautiful. Our family was there and it was amazing. I was Maid of Honour (My sister was supposed to be there as Co-maid of honour with me, but she was at school already, down in the states, so she couldn't be there.) and I was also the MC. I was really stressed about it at first, but once I had a few drinks in me, I felt better and had alot of fun (I think the guests had fun too...unless they were all just pretending to laugh at all of my jokes...). I gotta say though, I am not a huge fan of her husband. He’s not friendly, very needy and relies on her too much and their relationship reminded me a lot of what my parent’s looked like when I was growing up. Plus his family is fuckin trash (His bother and his brother’s girlfriend ended up getting in a huuggeee fight the night before the wedding and the cops were called, so Alex’s husband ended up calling her and asking her to come get her...) Anyway. Their relationship isn't any of my business...and as hard as it is to see someone I love be married to someone I dont particularly like or respect, I gotta let it be and hope for the best for her.

My grandma Betty also recently passed. Which was very sad. I’ve experienced death and loss before, but it was when I was younger. This was the first time that I experienced death as an adult. When I think about how my sister and I got through what we did when we were kids, I just...I dont know how in the hell we did it. Becuase my grandma had dementia, and was very unwell and not herself, when I got the call, I was almost relieved. Obviously I was very sad. But I also felt strangely grateful for the time that I had with her and I also felt very lucky to have someone like her watching out over me. Like I FINALLY had someone in my corner. I still cant believe that she's gone. Saying that she ‘passed away’ is still so strange to say.

Anyway...thats pretty much it. Lots of life happened in the past couple of months. Lots of crying, anxiety, laughs, reminiscing, hoping, meditating, painting, more crying, more anxiety...just lots of life man.

I gotta say though, instead of ending this on a note of desperately hoping for ‘something good to happen’ by masking it with “manifesting”, I think I’m going to end it by saying this instead.

I am going to take better care of myself. And be kinder to myself. I think that something good will come out of that regardless. Whether it be through acting or just my relationship with myself. For once in my life, I am going to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary (at least for now) and will happen as its supposed to, according to the universe.

And by saying that, by putting myself first, I think everything I have ever wanted for myself will come when its ready and in a healthier and more welcomed way.

Okay. Thanks.

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cyberdelusionphilosopher-blog · 6 years

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Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

"Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

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and where can you get car insurance quotes.

Car Insurance coverage question...?

Here is my question, CA policy I have three cars under my policy, I have now passed on one of them to my younger sister who is 21 and lives 50 miles away. However, she is NOT under my insurance policy and I am worried that my insurance won't cover her if something were to happen. I was told by a friend of mine who is an insurance agent that ANY insurance company in CA has to cover her if she has a valid license and does NOT live in the same household as the policyholder (coverage would be extended to her also as long as I verify she was authorized to drive the car). Is this true?""

""If you have Amica car insurance, how much does 1 speeding ticket cost you?""

I live in Massachusetts. Have a perfect driving record but now I'm charged with 1 speeding ticket. How much more in insurance premiums will it cost me if I plead guilty? It's a regular speeding ticket, not DUI or wreckless driving. THanks""

What make and model of car is cheap to insure?

Hi. I am learning to drive and need a car to practice/run around in. I'm looking for one I can get that has been used, cheap to insure (group 1 - 3) and cheap road tax (Band A-C). Any cars that I have found cheap insurance and/or cheap road tax is only so if its bought new at 1000s of pounds. My maximum is 1000 for the car itself. Any makes and models please? thank you""

Can someone tell me what the cheapest car insurance is for college students?

Is it true that if you buy a brand new car the car insurance will be much more than a second hand car?

Why?? I'm going to buy the very first car for me (a mazda 3 hatchpack 2006 or 2008..) and I want it to be new cause I can afford any price. But my dad keeps telling me not to buy a new car cause i won't be having good bennefits from it..such as the car insurance. It will be higher than a second hand car's...around 1000 euros every year. Also the car insurance must be full if it's a new car and I should have it on 1/3 cause its cheaper. So if it's a new car I can't have it on 1/3. What do you think I should do? I really want that car and that's why I want it to be new..cause it's the one I've always wanted!

Why would insurance cost me 500 quid for a 50cc bike?

Im wanting to purchase a 50cc bike, derbi gpr 50 racing, 2009. it would be kept in a garage, and im only looking for third party cover. the bike costs 1650, and i have passed my cbt and have a provisional license. do i even need insurance?""

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Is there Low Cost Health Insurance for a 60 yr old?

Is there Low Cost Health Insurance for a 60 yr old? I am shopping around for health Ins. for my mother in law, is there something in California, that's not expensive. Can i get medical or something? Please help.""

Do you have to get insurance as soon as you get your license?

I plan on going to get my drivers license in a few weeks (hopefully I pass!) and I've been told you have to have insurance right away. I'm currently on my parents plan with my permit but it's not costing them anything. Their agent said to immediately notify her once I get my license. Could she have said this just because she thought I would be getting a car? I don't plan on getting a car anytime soon but drive my parents cars occasionally. So will the insurance go up any if I don't have my own car that needs to be insured? If so will it be a lot? All answers will be greatly appreciated, because my parents are trying to make me put off getting my license because their car insurance is sky high already because of all the tickets & wrecks my brother has gotten in & I really want my license! Thanks in advance!""

How much is boat insurance?

I am going to liveaboard a 29ft sailing boat worth about 35000 purely based in a local marina. I need 2M worth of public liability insurance, any idea on the cost of an annual policy?Thanks in advance.""

""What is the average cost of car insurance for a 25 y/o female, no accidents, no tickets, 2008 car.?""

Please help give me an idea of the cost for car insurance. Comprehensive vs. Collision? I'll be buying a 2007 or 2008 mid-range sedan (VW Jetta, Toyota Corrolla, etc.). I've never gotten in an accident or gotten a ticket. And of course, I'm a female :) Any help is appreciated! Thanks.""

How does business insurance work in a lawsuit?

As a small business, I'm finally getting around to looking at business insurance. God forbid I should get sued, but that would be the only reason I would get insurance at this point. If I get sued (assuming I did nothing wrong that would terminate coverage), what are my responsibilities with regard to paying legal fees? What role will the insurance company play or what control will they have in the litigation process?""

What kind of car insurance do I need if I want to be the main driver of my parent's car away from home?

My parents own a car that they're letting me use for school. I live in southern California, but I attend school in Northern California. I'll be bringing the car up for normal use during the school year, and it will be garaged there except during summer. Do I need to buy my own car insurance, or will it work out if I just get added to my parent's insurance?""

What is the average cost of replacing a water heater? Which would you choose insurance payment or heater?

My water heater needs to be replaced (electric) I have a warranty insurance that will replace it however there are a few non covered costs - the pan, the permit, some other part, it will cost me $512.00. They have given me the option to cash out which means they cut me a check and I try to figure it out on my own. Problem is the cashout amount is unknown and it will take up to two weeks for me to find out what the amount is before i can even decide - two weeks without a hot shower is HELL! But I'm not sure what to do. What would you do? Can anyone guess as to what amount they MIGHT give me? The insurance company is American Home Shield. ANY advice will help. I'm a new home owner and don't know a thing about house stuff! Thanks!""

As a 22 female driver about how much would a 2010 camaro insurance cost? i have a perfect driving record?

""If a car insurance company office is closed, can you still insure the car on their website?""

If a car insurance company office is closed, can you still insure the car on their website?""

""Young married couple, low cost health insurance with Rx?""

I'm going to get married soon (not RLY soon but i have to start thinking about some things in advance) and I have to get health insurance. I'm really confused by it but I've been doing some reading about it and some figures about the kind of finances we are going to have and all I really know at this point is that we can't afford more than 200 dollars per month and that has to include prescriptions and everything. My soon to be husband is really healthy, only real issue is near-sightedness. I'm a little more sickly, I have asthma and allergies and the same eye problems. I keep them all pretty much under control but I need my meds. What plan would be best for us so that we can keep costs low and still get me my Rx?""

Will a provisional influence car insurance?

Hi guys, Im thinking about getting myself a car when Im 17 and Im looking into the insurance and what type to look for so I can save and know what Im looking for. So I was wondering if I have a provisional moped license will that help to lower my car insurance? and what car should I be looking for that cheap and easy to run and best on the insurance. Thanks in advance for your help.""

Married Young and Health Insurance?

I am 19 and my fiance is 22. I have a few questions about health insurance. I am currently covered by my mom's health insurance provider and my fiance does not have health insurance currently. When we get married, what will be the best deal to get health insurance for both of us. Would I be able to stay on my moms until I am 26. I was just reading a few things. I will put the link here. Thanks! http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq-dependentcoverage.html""

How much would my insurance cost . . .?

If I am 16 and driving a 2007 Scion TC that is completely paid for ?

How much to lease a car (WITH insurance)?

How much is it to lease an economic car (in Canada please), with insurance calculated into the mix? I am willing to pay 4-500 altogether, is this enough? Practical examples from people who lease their car, with how much they pay, etc, would be most helpful. (I am a recent graduate at the verge of starting an entry-level position). I am looking into VW golf and honda civic (hatchback).""

Can two insurance agents get different quotes?

Two local agents both from State Farm, different agencies though...Can they get different quotes or will it all be the same since it's all State Farm? Thanks!""

Need help on polo 2004 1.4 car insurance and road tax?

hi can anyone tell me or give an estimate how much the polo 2004 1.4 will cost me for insurance and tax, am 21 and this will be my first car help""

Can someone give me advice on good health insurance that offers maternity coverage??

I am looking into individual health insurance because my hubby and I are trying to conceive and I don't have any. I know I need to have it BEFORE i become pregnant. I don't know a thing about insurance and can't seem to find any insurance companies that offer maternity coverage.......I work for a temp agency and have worked for them for a year and a half and their insurance is astronomical so I'm looking on my own. My hubby doesn't have insurance where he works as a mechanic so i can't get it through his insurance. Any advice would help!!!!

Is Health Insurance Innovation a good insurance company?

I'm scouting for a cheaper health insurance plan and so far Health Insurance Innovation offers a cheaper price. It's $50/month for pretty basic stuff and it's $2500 deductible.

Two hit and run claims in one year ... are they gonna stick it to me with my insurance rates?

One car parked outside my house, got sideswiped earlier this year and of course, I had no idea who (middle of the night hit and run). I made a claim against the insurance to fix it, and they ended up paying out about $750. My OTHER car had the same thing happen to it yesterday morning (I found out when I went to go to work) so I got an estimate at lunch and it's gonna be at least $2500 to repair THIS damage (at the insurance companie's preferred shop). No suspects, no witnesses, nobody to point the finger at. $250 deductible I can manage to scrape together, but ... will my insurance company (Nationwide) hike my rates, and if they do is it likely to be a little or a LOT ? I've had them for four years, I have mediocre credit but a spotless driving record, and now TWO no fault claims in 2008 ... I haven't called them yet to report it, but I probably need to TODAY if I am going to ...""

How can I find a good car insurance comp. if I don't have a driver licence? I can't get a drivers lic. help!

I can't get a driver lic. because I don't have a social #, and I can't get a social # because I don't have a visa, BUT I know in Houston Tx, I can get car insurance like I'm now, but which one with a affordable price? please help!!!!""

""Buying new car, Insurance buying question?""

I want some insurance details about buying a new car from a dealership. Am I required to buy insurance before taking it off the lot after buying it (except in test drives, which the car is insured by the dealership??), or is there a grace period that you can drive without insurance? For instance, when I go in to buy a car, should I have already contacted an insurance agency and gotten quotes to be able to call them and get insured before I drive it off the lot?""

Is there a big differents in the price of car insurance?

hi is there a big differents in the price of car insurance between a mini copper and a mini one for a first car for a 17 year old

What do liquor liability insurance papers look like?

Like if you need to confirm that you have it, what do you show people?""

Would you be in favor of health insurance plans that cost less but force you to make lifestyle changes?

I saw somewhere that an estimated 90% of diabetes, 70% of heart disease, and 60% of cancer cases are directly related to either obesity, sedentary lifestyle, tobacco use, or drinking outside of moderation. For the amount of people that whine about drug prices, insurance costs, and drug bills, 1 out of 3 americans is overweight, something like 1 in 5 americans over 50 or 60 or something are diabetic or prediabetic (each case of diabetes costs an average of $10k per year in treatment and complications), and about 1 in 3 die of heart disease. People do not take personal responsibility for themselves, and they cost society a lot of money. Would you support an insurance plan that would be lower cost, but would drop your coverage if you developed a chronic disease like diabetes or something, and failed to get your weight down to a certain goal, mange you condition, etc. or maybe COPD and maybe you would have to quit smoking within 6 months, etc etc? Would you join the plan? Is it fair?""

How to calculate car insurance policy premium refund?

I sold my car one week after renewing my car insurance policy. I required to cancel my policy and asked for the refund. The first time I faxed them my cancellation letter, they asked me to call back after 2 weeks to ask for the check. But after 2 weeks, they told me they didn't received my fax and asked me to pay for the extra 2 weeks, although I have evidences that I required to cancel my policy 2 weeks ago. Also when I renewed my policy, I told the agent that I will sell my car within 2 weeks, so the agent told me I can only pay 32% of the half year policy premium. But now when I asked for refund, he told me that because I only paid 32% of the total amount, they will charge me more (53% more) and refund me much less. Is this common in this industry or they just try to steal money from me? Thanks.""

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/tip-cheap-car-insurance-young-drivers-under-1000-kathryn-blomfield/"

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webmuch · 7 years

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Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin

What is cupping all about that everyone has been talking about lately?? To be honest I had heard of cupping therapy but only researched about it when I came across the famous VJ, Bani J’s Instagram account. She recently shared a picture of herself undergoing the Chinese cupping therapy. I got scared at first but when I read more about the ancient eastern medicine practice, I understood how it has helped so many people since. Check out what Bani J had to say about the cupping therapy and read on to learn all about why facial cupping should be a part of your beauty routine.

You look at someone and judge them. Before you even realise you're doing it, before you even realise it's done- it's so innate the programming. ___________________________________________ People that train, athletes, competitive or not, go through a lot of pain on a daily basis. Some internal, some external. It's like muscle warfare, mental warfare – yes one more rep pick it the fuck up.. And then there's all the stuff life likes to throw at you. The good, the beautiful, the love that gets you so high you just want to bury yourself in it, the bad and then the really really fucked up shit that makes you feel you have absolutely no control and where was that fucking thing we like to call 'the point' in all of this to begin with? ____________________________________________ So yes, the notorious ever changing 'point', Don't always assume or think it's all for vanity. Don't assume just because you see the 6pack abs that they were easily obtained, that life is so easy for them, don't think just because you see the smiles and hear the laughter that it didn't take a 90 degree trek and a hell of a horrifying trudge to get to that point. This is the problem with social media these days. It's one highlight reel after the other. Well, here's my highlight, I'm in pain. Physical, emotional and spiritual. I'm also smiling and deliriously in love. It's been a hard week and some of y'all know my moms been sick and she's gotten sicker. And it sucks balls. So yeah. Struggle town population +1 for sure. Not here to crib about it, here to let you know everyone is struggling. Feel the love yourself and then try and see people through it with that Love. It's the most we can do. That's all ❤️ ______________________________________________ PS: this Chinese cupping therapy is Bomb. Hurts like hell, and you're left with these amazing marks. But ayy.. scar tissue always stronger than regular tissue right? Fun science fact: The spots that are redder than others are where there were bigger deeper knots/ stress/ tension. The skin gets red because of the increase in blood flood, relieving of the pressure built up inside and helps get rid of toxins. Now, I need a nap. Gday!

A post shared by ⚡Lady RocknRolla ⚡ (@banij) on May 24, 2017 at 1:21am PDT

Cupping therapy is an ancient form of alternative medicine in which a therapist puts special cups on your skin for a few minutes to create suction. People get it done for many purposes, such as to help with pain, inflammation, blood flow, relaxation and as a type of deep-tissue massage. It is said to promote circulation and tension relief, however facial cupping has an opposite effect visually. Instead of getting bruises the treatment works to increase blood flow and circulation which leaves you with glowing, decongested skin.

Dermatologist’s have said most of the time we get dull skin because of lack of circulation or stimulation under the skin. Unlike the traditional cupping therapy the reason it doesn’t leave bruises on the face is because the cups keep moving, controlling the blood movement which transports toxins away from the surface to be drained through your lymph system. It apparently feels like a vacuum sucking up your skin but it doesn’t hurt. No doubt there will be some redness on your skin but that should fade away within a few hours. They say that the next day after getting this treatment done your skin will feel soft, toned, firm and glowy.

Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin

Check out our favourite Farah Dhukai showing us how to do facial cupping with your own home kit below:

INSTANT FACELIFT shrink pores. tighten skin. get rid of acne. heal scars. pretty much achieve perfect skin. HOW??? Go on amazon. Get a cupping kit ($25). change your life. Ive been doing this for the last little while and ive had so many ppl ask if ive had filler in my face and tbh this is alllll ive been doing. its LIFE changing. ☕️This is DRY CUPPING (hijama). It “boosts”ur cardiovascular system and gets your blood circulating. Increased blood flow = HEALTHY “PERFECT” skin! It also reduces inflammation (acne) and activates lymphatic drainage = reduce puffiness, lifts/tightens, removes dark circles ALL YOU NEED: ✅Facial Cups – I got mine from LURE ✅Any oil – I used Chia oil ‼️#1 RULE – ALWAYS KEEP THE CUPS MOVING OTHERWISE YOU WILL BRUISE. apply oil to CLEAN face -I use the pink exfoliator to gently massage the oil all over I do my brows and lips 1st with the small cups – gently squeeze to get suction + “stick” where u want to treat, immediately release and do it again. DO NOT GO ON YOUR EYELID or under eyes. Temple, and brow bone only. I do the same to my lips, but after im done, i run the suction along my lips to get a nice plump Use the larger cups for cheekbones, forehead +jaw/neck .Pinch to get suction and move in an upwards motion. Do this a couple times. Your face WILL turn red. This is your blood circulating. Its a good thing. You can see once im done my left side, it looks MUCH TIGHTER and more LIFTED than my right. The results are instant!! Once youre done both sides, move the cup in circular motions to finish ⏰Do this for 5 mins, 2-3 times a week PS. in case you didnt notice..i was going thru a breakout Cupping is THE BEST when you have acne. I had a big videoshoot 2 days after i filmed this and my acne was literally GONE from doing this ALONE. As “uncomfortable” as it is to show flawed skin in the "perfect instagram world", I wanted to show you that im not perfect. "Perfect” skin is a process, and even if ur going thru a "bad skin day", you can take steps to make it better. It always gets better. In any situation (skin and life)⭐️ Tag a friend you'd cup with Disclaimer: test cup 1st

A post shared by Farah D (@farahdhukai) on Apr 20, 2017 at 7:44pm PDT

There are plenty of at-home kits available in the market and online but if you are not familiar with how it is done exactly, we suggest getting your first treatment done from a professional. This vacuum technique has been used for years to treat acne, double chin, wrinkles and saggy skin. Keep reading to know all the benefits of using the cupping therapy for your face:

Boosts circulation A healthy skin depends on proper blood circulation. Also, this stimulates the cells that produce collagen, which firm the skin.

Rejuvenates skin

Better nutrition brought to the skin helps bring a young glow. Any beauty products used post-treatment are absorbed better and are more effective.

Reduces wrinkles

The suction motion reduces the visible fine lines, wrinkles, and scarring because of injuries or acne. The skin will also looks plumper. The connecting tissue under the skin is stimulated so that it heals and reduces smile and laugh lines.

Therapeutic Benefits

Facial cupping is helpful to patients suffering from a range of health related problems with the head and neck area without the need for more extensive treatments. They are: Sinus infections, headache, facial paralysis and earaches.

Procedure

A facial cupping session typically lasts for about 30 minutes. First of all you skin need to be cleaned properly and then you can apply any therapeutic oils such coconut, jojoba or any other essential oil according to your preference. First gently massage your face and then being the cupping. Keep the cups moving continuously don’t spend too long on one area and don’t apply too much pressure either. You want to gently use the vacuum motion all around the face.

Side effects?

The procedure has side effects, say experts. Firstly, the pressure for the vacuum should be controlled and monitored according to skin type, texture and condition. If used with too much pressure for too long, it can cause bruising, tenderness and swelling. Frequent use can also cause skin laxity by damaging the underlying elastic fibres and collagen.

Other than your face if you have cellulite on your legs, thighs, hips area cupping therapy can help reduce them: Cellulite, which is basically fat deposits just beneath the skin along with a lot of collagen. It can be effectively broken down with vacuum pressure. Many people use this treatment for cellulite reduction and to make your skin firm.

( Also read: How To Get Rid Of Cellulite To Be Summer Ready )

The post Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin appeared first on Posherry.

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