#and like it’s partly a lot funny bc why am i so scared of this situation lmfaooooo like i’m absolutely more scared of her than she is of me

[kuiinncedes]

aksndbdhdhdhhd

[gunmetal-ring]

Stream of consciousness 11x13

Oh Elijah's still around I was wondering if he'd get the oceanside treatment. Cool little cinematography. Sidenote has Elijah's ever spoken before?

Are Lydia and Elijah sharing A Moment? Oooooooooo!

More horses....? K. Sure

Why the fuck would they go and help anyone right now? I'm w Maggie. They gott deal w their own shit first

So wait Lydia DOES want to leave I guess? Hmm. Was Maggie about to leave without saying goodbye to hershel jr?! Wtf?! Also he has not gotten nearly enough screentime. Which is something I never thought I'd say about one of the ten thousand new characters lol

Aww Maggie sharing ❤️ also she calls it "The Fall" interesting

Stormtrooper walkers interesting

So wait when did Aaron go to commonwealth? I thought he was back at hilltop or Alexandria?

Ha Gabe is a deep agent of Alexandria. "Fuck capitalism and god loves u"

"Werent too keen on immigrants when we came in" Yeah I bet! Would have been nice to see!

I find it funny that they're looking at the apartment complex thru the forest and they're like "Yeah no seems hostile" but it's like. You can barely see the top of the building. You can't see anyone inside. How on earth do you know.

Where's Gabe's hat? I like his hat!

"Peacekeepers" like in the hunger games... how appropriate

50,000 people damn. Oo they've been watching them too!! Cell phones?! What?! I hope it's just photos bc that would be literally unbelievable

I totally see where angry guy is coming from tbh like... the way to go about this is to leave little commonwealth pamphlets and say "here's a meeting point if you're interested"

What THE FUCK TOBY goddammit hope you fuckin die

Lance you're telling me you guys don't have snipers? I don't buy it. Oo I love his whole scared-of-his-boss thing. It's cowardly in a way I find rly fun. Aw he's got a soft side. Yknow I actually rly like Lance. Not as like a person obv he's a bad guy but he's actually intriguing and a good character. More compelling than a lot of these ppl.

Yknow what I actually bet they did find the caravan like that. Oh shit OK Gabe is rly growing on me like he is officially a badass and a better priest OH FUCK I guess Billy was a stormtrooper.

Oh oh OK now I get it I didn't even recognize the kid lol. AARON NO OMG also where's Gabe? Hopefully they reunite. OK I officially am invested in their storyline.

Jfc these flashbacks r annoying. Altho I do kind of get their AHHHHHHHHH NEGAN narrative use but still. Ugh God ANOTHER character? Pls tell me she's not gonna have any screentime past this episode pls. OK wait so Gabe isn't the badass. Well that's still OK. Interesting that negan is helping I bet Gabe and Aaron are gonna vouch for him. But like how did he get hooked up w the now-dead guy?

OK I had to go back and rewatch the flashback. HINT THIS IS PARTLY WHY I HATE FLASHBACKS BC IT MAKES THE TIMELINE V CONFUSING FOR ME! it's unclear to me how/when this kid got here? Like after they arrived at the apartment complex and before they came in? Was he tasked with getting the horses? I'd love if someone could clear this up for me bc i can't figure out at what point in the arrival to the apartment complex this kid got waylaid by negan.

I'd like to know how negan and this woman met and trusted each other and why they're there but not enough to see it. Tbh I'm fine with him just explaining it in 2 sentences. Wait maybe did the kid somehow escape the complex or something during the attack? Idk what's going on ugh

Why aren't they just storming the complex and killing everyone? They can just find their supplies when they search? I guess this is a lazy way to make sure team family doesn't get found and killed before they get the weapons or something idk. I find it kind of funny that negan is so affected by the pseudo defenestration bc I'm like 99% sure he did the exact same thing w the saviors lol. And even if he didn't he did some pretty fucked up shit without any issue. Altho I guess 6 years gives him a bit of perspective or something. How does she know it better? Was she one of them? Negan was one of them too I guess? But how did THEY escape before the attack? Ugh so annoying.

All in all. Pretty good episode! I liked it! I do wish that it all could have been contained in 1 episode but tbh idk how that could have happened. I feel like none of the flashbacks were necessary like we knew the scouters were gonna be evil. That wasn't a good plot twist. Negan was a good plot twist but again it made the timeline v confusing for me.

I also think it's funny that Alexandria and hilltop and everyone is like "oh what do you know! There's actually another community like 2 hours away that we never knew about in the past 10 years!" But whatever plot holes don't rly matter to Kang. Which usually doesn't actually bother me bc I'm fine suspending disbelief in a zombie show.

Def one of the best episodes this season so far. Tbh not saying much BUT I rly did like it regardless of how shitty the season has been so far lol. Like it's a good episode in and of itself.

Hoping that the apartment complex joins hilltop and just become extras in the background besides negan. I'm assuming they do, and that Maggie's like I'm gonna kill negan and Aaron and Gabe are like you better not bc he's a helper now and there's gonna be even more drawn out repetitive stupid boring tension between him and Maggie. Maybe he'll choose to go to commonwealth to get away from her idk. That would be nice. Still hoping he sacrifices himself for hershel jr by the end of the season as the resolution to his redemption arc

Also thinking about it: magna, yumiko, and yumikos brother that I still can't remember his name have served their purpose. I'm fine if they're just like featured in the inevitable battle as like "remember these 2? Yeah they're still here slitting throats and whatnot" but past that I'm good to just never see them again. Magna found peace w her family and is pissed to be on the bottom rung of society once again. Yumiko is reunited w her brother that we never knew about and apparently they were v close and it was rly hard to be apart for the last 10 years or something idk. Whatever. Brother has saved zeke. They're all finished w their storylines. Sad to see more wlw go but that's tptb fault for Burying The Gays and not making anyone else of the 90 characters wlw in the meantime.

Tldr: good episode. Hoping new characters are contained solely within this mini plot. Didn't mind the lack of caryl at all. Tbh I'm more annoyed when Daryl is featured in an episode and Carol isn't, even if it's not caryl-y lol.

[curiosityjams]

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[gunpowder-tim]

Do go off about your hcs I am interested 👀

okay okay okay so

ianto is trans masc nb uses he mostly n they sometimes when hes feelin less masc n stuff and hes demi romantic & demi sexual and thats why he said the 'its not men its just him'

jacks gender is *shrugs* like thats what he does if people ask him, he doesnt care what pronouns or anything like that and like its partly cause hes from 51st century but also thats just jack

owen is bi like its not 'confirmed' in the show but he literally has sex w a dude in the first ep well its implied but whatever so no one can tell me hes straight, he kinda has a lil crush on ianto and also jack but he would never say anything 1 bc theyre together 2 hes a repressed asshole 3 its not really a like *proper* crush so hes over it, that doesnt mean he still doesnt stare at them sometimes bc boys pretty

now tosh im like hell yeah bi tosh but brain also says lesbian tosh her crush on owen comphet, mary should still be alive and b w tosh

gwen and owen talk about hot ppl together bc bi bonding

gwen trans bc i love her n i want her to be and her kid also trans bc of that mention in the dw special and shes like the best most supportive mum bc she understands trans stuff, granted its like not exactly the same bc gender stuff never is but gwen gets it, rhys is a bit clueless about it all but he knows gwen is doing good and hes v supportive and Will Fight the teachers and parents if they misgender his kid now ik gwen being pregnant dowsnt make sense if shes trans but torchwood fucky shit and thats why she never expected it bc trans

like okay no one is dead everything is good so

ianto is great w gwens kid bc trans stuff and he knows about the trans masc side of things and hes just a great support for gwen

whenever owen and rhys are together rhys relentlessly flirts w owen, why? 1 bc he thinks its funny 2 owen slept w gwen he can do what he wants 3 rhys maybe does think hes kinda cute and it makes owen blush the slightest bit which rhys takes pride in

and maybe gwen is like yknow id be okay if you wanted to like make out w owen or sth and rhys is like what ha nooo its uh its a joke i dont actually like him and gwen just gives him a look like really and rhys is like well maybe i do but i dont know gwen i dont want to make things weird between us or with him and gwen is like hey its your choice if you do but just know that id be okay w it and so rhys just considers it for a while and one day he ends up just kissing owen and its p cute bc owen gets super flustered like wha bu youre married!!! anyway owen ends up being friends w benefits w gwen and rhys bc polyamory rights like they dont like always have threesomes or never interact w each other when w owen its just healthy n good n fun

ianto and jack adopt and their kid is cute and ianto would do anything for them, their kid and gwens kid become friends and its adorable and like one day gwen and ianto are just watching as gwens kid sits there a book open, reading and like teaching to iantos kid who is sat next to them and now im soft

and maybe they all live together in a nice house quite big and always full of laughter, a rule did have to be made stating no sex in the communal areas after gwen walked in on jack and ianto one too many times, rhys stays at home and is the best dad ever and looks after jack n iantos kid a lot too, sometimes one or two of the members of the team will stay home too if the mission isnt too urgent so they can spend time w the kids and each other

tosh and ianto groan about men together bc whilst yes ianto is sort of a man and yes hes dating jack who is also sort of a man, he knows men suck and tosh is a lesbian and so yeah

mary doesnt live there with tosh but she comes over pretty often, the kids love her and she sometimes brings lil trinkets to show them, owen is a bit scared of her still and she always glares at him

theres a biiig comfy sofa w loads of blankets and pillows and sometimes they all just cuddle together there, if one of them had a bad day or just any reason really, like ianto, if hes thinking of lisa or his dad or any other variety of hings that make him sad or panic, he goes nonverbal and just goes n curls up in the middle of the sofa and the others will notice and slowly all join him, they dont talk about it, they dont push anything, they just give comfort in the form of physical affection and if someone needs to talk they mnow that theyre all here for them

[lrugloyak]

Ben's uncle (i.e. another dream about a hot demon)

(Hi. If it’s your first time here, you can go HAHA. I’m not sure when I can focus back on my personal musings on here, but generally if you’re staying behind, I hope it’s for the memes. This is just a dream journal entry -- something I’d like to look back and laugh at in the future or, say, show to a therapist when I’ll need one lmao. Happy New Year!)

Like the actor who plays the old version of the lead guy in huling el bimbo; if not taller and darker but still theatre actor, basta real and dark like daveed but pinoy and no facial hair lmao

Ben's uncle drives me to school. Real school. With little Ben. Ben's uncle is wearing a black collared shirt with green double stripes.

I forget to bring socks and topple off the car with just slippers on and shoes in hand. He thinks I'm silly. I think he's hot. I tell myself I'll ask him out soon. I'm in high school.

I'm strangely waiting outside the lobby for class. It's afternoon. I go with Che to the gate bc I'm bored waiting. I trip over a few Christmas balls. When I get up, she's on the other side of the gate on some sort of fine ticking stuff off. I tell myself i can do that and reach for the pen. Ms. Joji is beside che with 2 familiar janitors from sisc. She politely chuckles to herself. I ask her why, and she tells me I'm kind but why care about this now. She touches my hand and carries on. I'm a bit disappointed.

It's nearly evening and i see ben's uncle's car roll around nearby but dismiss it. Bea v has a twin and draws in a small crowd of people as she loudly rants about her time at school, some story about being teased and embarrassed as she was called Bea Duh and V____. It seemed more like a pun that made sense in my dream. They were annoying but i had nothing against then so i just stayed behind the crowd and listened. They seemed like they just wanted people to listen and sympathize but it felt like a clout thing. The people seemed like they didn't like listening either but they were bored and liked being in the crowd. I giggled to myself while she was talking about something i wasn't listening to. All eyes turned to me. She asked if i had something to say. I saw ben's uncle's back from afar as he was rummaging through the back seat. I didn't think he saw me. I mindlessly started with my story about forgetting my shoes that morning and it was embarrassing. But i slipped with the fact that i wanted to ask ben's uncle out. I looked back at the crowd and saw their eyes light up. Someone asked me why. I said because he was hot. They ask laughed. I just said yeah he's hot! The crowd ate it up as i was pretending to be all the rage, making my story funnier and being more loose and confident with the way i moved. I didn't say it out loud, but thoughts of ben's uncle being attractive bc he was thoughtful, funny, kind and attentive were flooding my head. I look back at him and see he's staring right back at me with kind eyes and a wondering smile on his face. I laugh bc I'm having a good time with the crowd and i unknowingly proved a point to bea that you can turn embarrassing stories into good and still be in good company. Ben's uncle is by the gate. His elbow brushes past mine and we lock eyes. I asked if he heard all that. He asks what time my classes started and i realize oh yeah I've been waiting out here a bit alone for a class I'm not sure I'm having. We chuckle at the realization. He is admitted through sisc's electronic gate.

Search for the demon in a village that looks like manuela but with wider roads. Felt like the village in wallace and gromit. Forgot most of this part but it was heart racing and fun; i hate when i forget the adventure parts Couldn't capture the demon but found a book with some inscriptions. Had to go somewhere to find people who could help us. We were to go to a shack that same night.

I arrive with my friend to the shack. We find two guys in a room that looked a lot like lolas room now that i think about it. Guys are sleeping soundly in a bed. He tells me to take a nap first so i take a nap on a space on the right side of the bed, which was disappointing bc i wanted to help look for the demon. I am mostly asleep, but he didn't know i was still partly awake and listening and watching him decipher the book he just found. Guy in the middle wakes up and says demon is in the house, they just haven't found him yet. Informs they need to do a ritual to drive him out. They don't know how the ritual will go. They leave the room already chanting something foreign that doesn't seem to be working. I hear them enter the room beside this. September starts playing. They are chanting i think.

When the verse comes up, i hear one of them say it's not working. It was then when the legs of the guy on the left side of the bed started rising even though he was still asleep. He is wearing a grey tshirt. Hmm lol probs not important. The chorus comes and i hear the guys in the other room say that hey this isn't so bad; it's not working but they're not getting hurt from all the heavy chanting. Left side of the bed guy's arms were now rising too. "I'm not in my body" i hear the being on what looked like lolas computer chair in the shadows say. I understand he was driven out. That guy was ben's uncle. He tells me to go back to sleep. I smile and say no. So it's you, i think. He didn't have to answer. There was a bit of silence as September continued playing and the guys in the other room just sounded like they were dancing at this point.

I ask if he knew I wanted to ask him out when he passed me as he went to pick ben up from inside the school. He said yeah and smiled. I felt no shame. We both laughed. I was getting sleepier. I asked if he was the bad guy. He said yes even though I was hoping more that he'd say no. The info automatically popped in my head: he was called the necromancer. He asked why i asked, and i answered it was because nothing changed and i still wanted to go out with him. He considered it, i can feel it. He asked why, implying why i would want that knowing he's the demon, and i said bc he's hot. We both chuckled. He smiled again. Go to sleep he said, but i wouldn't budge. His human's legs and arms are still up. He won't keep his eyes off me. It seems more sincere. I'm not scared at all. Fuck, he's cute. He realizes he can't convince me. He walked over to my end of the bed and sat by my waist. We stare at each other for a bit and it feels like we've been talking for hours. I ask will you hold my hand and he takes it. His hand feels human. It even feels as nervous as one. I tell him everyone's capable of change. He looks at me with love in his eyes. The sound of September is drowned out by the feeling of time to rest your weary head clouding my senses. I don't want to wake up yet; i want to save him.

I wake up. I think there's been an earthquake.

I bite my lip.

Alright! So this was supposed to be a mind farts thing, which is why some sentences are less...sentence-like than others. Typed this out when I woke up at 5:48am. I was sad that I couldn’t get back to sleep bc I wanted to see Ben’s uncle again HAHAHAHA THE THIRST IS REAL and it’s so weird how I always just referred to him as Ben’s uncle and not??? a name?????

Okay, here are my notes possible factors:

• Gian Magdangal, but here in his role in AHEB and not anywhere else lol

I didn’t even feel the least attracted to him here; I’m not sure why Ben’s uncle took his form and why I was so eager to get in cahoots with him HAHAHAHA SORRY GIAN

• By “real school,” I mean my actual high school -- that part of the entrance was perfect in my head to the last detail. Little Ben, whoever the heck he is, was also wearing the grade school uniform. 

• The last I’ve heard from Che was from an instagram post for the holidays. I’m not sure why she got in here. 

• For the life of me, I don’t know what Ms. Joji and my school janitors represented. Maybe it’s my late feeling of detachment from being coined as a nice person. I can’t promise I’ll write about that here. 

• I don’t know why Bea V is here either huhu. Despite what it seems like, I hold no grudges (or any real personal connection) to her, at least to my knowledge

• The action sequence in Manuela probably comes from how I’ve been going there often for the holidays and truly wanted to stay longer that I did. 

• September??? My dad’s been playing songs of that era when his friends came around and when he’d have the hand at the Manuela get-togethers.

• The thirst? Yeah it comes with all the dreams now, it seems. Haha. Remember Suit Guy from the other dream? I’m convinced they’re the same character. After my closure with a real boy last month, I reverted back to talking to Angel. I don’t expect you to know who he is as I’ve never mentioned him officially in writing. It’s not like anyone’s going to read this anyway until I’m dead, but Angel’s been my imaginary friend for years. I’m not sure for how long, but perhaps it was since fallen angel tropes took over YA fiction (say, my 5th grade years?) or since I got into Supernatural. It comforts me to have a hot imaginary friend I can banter and actually fight with to talk to. I guess my fixation on tall mysterious guys (and after watching Daddy Long Legs din pala last night) just played into my metaphorical love for Angel.

[anichibicore]

I made a playlist for Luke Fon Fabre!

I got bored! so! playlist for one of my favorite JRPG protags! here it is! I’m making this post bc I wanna share why I put each song and just bc I like rambling about my favorite tales game haha. I’ll leave all that under the cut tho to keep this from being super long on dashes and stuff. Well, away we go!

Track 1: Bored to Death by Blink 182 At the beginning of the game, Luke makes it clear he’s bored of being trapped inside his family’s manor and wants nothing more than to leave. I can’t point to any lyrics in particular for this choice, but I feel it fits his situation nonetheless. Track 2: Disturbia by Rihanna Luke's just killed a person for the first time ever, and he's torn up about it. His mind doesn't want to leave that fact alone. So he beats himself up over it. Once again, I can't really point to any specific lyrics for this choice, and I'm honestly starting to rethink my choices. Track 3: Field of Innocence by Evanescence Akzeriuth is destroyed. Luke feels awful. His innocence is gone, and all that's left is guilt. He just wants to go back to how things used to be. But he can't, and he's devastated. This is one of the lowest points in his life, and he doesn't know what to do. He's lost.

Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world Oh I, I want to go back to Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

Track 4: Afraid by The Neighbourhood This song is the one that inspired this playlist, partly thanks to this post. Luke’s seeing through Asch’s eyes, he now knows he’s a replica, and he’s scared that the others will want to replace him with Asch. Especially as they make their emotions clear about Luke and his actions. But, Luke doesn’t want to be replaced. He’s hoping to get back the trust he lost. But he doesn’t know how. You're too mean, I don't like you, fuck you anyway You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs It hurts but I won't fight you You suck anyway You make me wanna die, right when I... When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might end up being me Track 5: Ghost Rule by DECO*27 This is kind of a personal choice, and this is also going by Rachie’s English lyrics. I can’t point to any specific moment in Luke’s arc where this goes, but I still felt it fit him. Maybe his feelings about being a replica and feeling like his whole life is a lie. A couple of lyrics could be used to refer to his tendency to hide his feelings. Another line could be used to show his guilt over destroying Akzeriuth. I could pick this one apart for days.

I only know how to lie, I guess I really can’t dodge it this time No law to pardon my crime, no clemency for this evil of mine Things don’t look better today, the mask I wear is crumbling away Lapsing in depravity, I didn’t see what was happening to me Track 6: No One by Aly & AJ Luke’s woken up. He’s starting to think about how he’s been and decides he wants to change. He cuts his hair and promises Tear that he’s changing himself to be a better person. He still feels broken, but he’s working to fix himself. One piece at a time.

I am moving through the crowd Trying to find myself I feel like a guitar that's never played Will someone strum away? And I ask myself Who do I want to be? Do I want to throw away the key And invent a whole new me And I tell myself No one No one Don't want to be no one But me Track 7: Brave by Sara Bareilles Luke meets with Guy. His life long friend tells him that there’s only one Luke in his eyes. I feel like this song’s more Guy to Luke, hoping to motivate him to speak his mind and lift his spirits. He wants Luke to be brave. Innocence, your history of silence Won't do you any good Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don't you tell them the truth? Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly, I wanna see you be brave Track 8: This is Me by Kealla Settle (from The Greatest Showman)

Luke nearly died but he came back, and he feels better than ever. He feels alive. It’s funny how finding out you’re slowly dying makes you appreciate the life you have. Still, Luke feels like he can take on anything. And he’s not going to let any of his emotional baggage slow him down now. When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me Track 9: Fight Song by Rachel Platten This ties into the previous track a bit, with Luke’s feeling of strength, like he can take on anything. He’s got a lot left in him, and like hell he’ll go down without a fight. This is my fight song Take back my life song Prove I'm alright song My power's turned on Starting right now I'll be strong I'll play my fight song And I don't really care if nobody else believes 'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me Track 10: She’s So Gone by Naomi Scott (from Lemonade Mouth) Luke’s facing Asch in Eldrant for the final time, and he’s going to prove to Asch that he’s a different person now. He’s his own person, and the fact he’s a replica won’t change that. This fight likely means more to Luke than to Asch. Luke’s going to prove Asch is wrong about him. One way or another. Insecure In her skin Like a puppet, a girl on a string Broke away Learned to fly If you want her back gotta let her shine So it looks like the joke's on you 'Cause the girl that you thought you knew She's so gone That's so over now She's so gone You won't find her around You can look but you won't see The girl I used to be 'Cause she's She's so gone Track 11: This Life is Mine by Jeff Williams and Casey Lee Williams (from RWBY) This song could be any point after Van betrays Luke, tells him he was using him, discards him, anything really. Luke looks back on how Van controlled him, had him essentially wrapped around his finger, and swears he’s going to make him pay and put an end to all he’s been planning for all these years.

Amazing how you conquered me Chained me in servility And made me see The world the way you told me to But I was young and didn't have a Way to know the truth Born to live your legacy Existing just to fill your needs A casualty of this so-called "family" That you have turned into a travesty But I don't intend to suffer any longer Here's where your dominion falls apart I'm shattering the mirror That kept me split in pieces That stood between my mind and my heart This is where I'll start I'm not your pet Not another thing you own I was not born guilty of your crimes Your riches and your influence Can't hold me anymore I won't be possessed Burdened by your royal test I will not surrender This life is mine! Track 12: Angel With a Shotgun by The Cab The battle against Van has begun. Luke and Tear work together to take down the man they had been so close to for years, and while each second is painful for them, they know there’s no other choice. Luke will free Lorelei once all is said and done and that will be the end of it. Nothing else matters to him right now. I'm an angel with a shotgun Fighting til' the wars won I don't care if heaven won't take me back 

Track 13: Home by Daughtry Luke’s freed Lorelei, he and Asch have joined with Lorelei, and the world is saved. His friends all miss him, and on his coming of age ceremony, Tear is singing alone in Tataroo Valley. The rest of Luke’s friends join her, and as they mourn their lost friend, a figure appears in the distance. A figure that resembles Luke. He’s come home. I'm going home Back to the place where I belong And where your love has always been enough for me I'm not running from No, I think you got me all wrong I don't regret this life I chose for me But these places and these faces are getting old So I'm going home Well, I'm going home

Track 14: Shape My Heart by Eyeshine

I didn’t add this one until after I made this post (I’m editing this post to include it) but this is another general one and not one i added bc the singer of this band was johnny yong bosch i swear. It’s the party to Luke because he unintentionally helped some of them change the way they view the world, even if it was only a little bit. His presence made things just a little bit better.

You take our pain away

You make our world okay

You shape our hearts so we can feel what love is

You take our hate away

[literaphobe]

hello it is the “FUCK I LOVE STURCH” anon and i can assure you i am calmer and more coherent now. first, i want to say that i’m only about halfway through (though it’s not likely my opinion of it will change) and it’s quite possibly the funniest fix i’ve ever read. your little header things are amazing and original and i love them with all my heart. you don’t have to reply to this or anything, but hopefully it’ll cancel out the twitter negativity.

uwu honestly i love calm n crazy sturch love n im glad ur liking it n thank u for finding it funny 🥰🥰 i loved writing all those little headers too n i really do hope you have fun reading the rest of it!

the thing about sturch and all the hate y’all might have seen circulating around it be it through anon hate i post right here or what I’ve put up or on any other platform is that no matter how nasty anyone has been or how ridiculous some of the hate has been ive def like. internalized it? like ive def tried to analyze what was so wrong, and ive def broken down why people hate x n what doesn’t work for some people n what works for others, ive also considered the actual length of the story n many other factors! I’ve thought about why i loved sturch n what it meant for me too. ive considered the timeline during which i started n finished writing sturch. it stretched over shy of two years, and as a teenager that was a long time n a lot of development for me. no matter what people say about sturch i think i’ll always love and appreciate what it gave me, n what it brought into my life. sturch is me, as a person. it’s the drama club, it’s theatre that I’ve done for a decade, it’s partly inspired by my own experiences. it’s stuff from my mind, stuff that’s made me laugh, it’s love, it’s all the insecurities and stumbling blocks that people of the age range i depicted jake and amy could experience! it’s self doubt and trauma and deep seated issues and the feeling that you aren’t good enough for someone you love. it’s also stupid trivial things that snowballed into things that don’t need to snowball. it’s probably also a lot of other things. the jake and amy in sturch aren’t the jake and amy of b99. the jake and amy of b99 are adults well into their thirties, and of course they have some of the same trauma and insecurities n self doubt that jake and amy have in sturch, but they’ve had more time to deal with it, they’ve had more time to mature, and they definitely have more life experience. they have less reasons to run, etc etc. and that’s why sturch isn’t just about jake and amy falling in love confessing their feelings and living happily ever after. they fell in love, got in the way of themselves, hurt themselves, hurt each other, but then they figure it out. they heal, they learn, they decide to find out what they can take on together. some people might find it toxic or problematic but it’s human to do toxic/problematic things! really all it’s about is how we get back up n fix what we do. not to act like sturch is deep but that’s just what i think!! it may not be for everyone but it is what it is! and i think having this line of thought helps bc ive had thoughts about reading over sturch n changing things, and aside from whatever punctuation inconsistencies n typos i def made that I would still correct if i can someday i think i just want to leave what ive created as it is. unless im converting it into a real book or for tv/movie or whatever lmaofkskdksjd

anyway, ive not always been v open about this but sturch started in a really fucking horrible point in my life, my parents cut off all my internet n wouldn’t let me do anything for several years if im being honest, and 2017 was a year where they were stalking my accounts on the internet n catching me at every turn n tracking whatever i was doing. i lost my privacy, they’ve seen some of my fics, they’ve seen COMMENTS on sturch and once really fucking fucked me up over sth they saw that they found inappropriate n i had to explain through tears that it was a reference to a joke in the fic and... yeah. anyway if uve been through the long sturch hiatus i took its bc i was too scared to post sturch, but i was still writing it. writing it was hell but also comforting? my parents kept my phone in their room but when they left sometimes i would run in and type out whatever i wanted to write for sturch. i was allowed to bring my phone to school n although everything there was blocked i still had my notes app n i remember writing whenever i could, i would walk around supermarkets n the mall writing, delaying when i had to go home bc that meant goodbye phone n hello scary stressful abusive home environment (and also studying). writing sturch was p much one of my only outlets when in 2017 when i was taking the a levels. even after a level exams i would still write sturch after the exam ended provided i actually had sth in my head n wasn’t too drained. so yeah! sturch comforted me through some really dark times, it was also neglected by me through some somewhat decent times. it made me laugh it made me happy it made me sad n it was one of the best things ive done in writing and it expanded my world!! i hope sturch did sth for y’all, even those who grew to hate n resent it. above all, i love sturch, and i hope y’all did too :)

[theclaravoyant]

pride asks: yellow?

Thanks for the ask! This got a bit long lol I am feeling Wholesome Emotions after having my ass seriously kicked by anxiety and depression for the last little while so I went a little OTT with it. I hope it helps somebody out there.

Yellow: How did you feel when you came out to yourself? Were you happy you were gay/bi etc… or were you scared or other?

That’s an interesting question, because the first time i ‘came out to myself’ it was a veeeeeery slow burn. I wasn’t particularly scared or ashamed of it, but I was very much on my own figuring it all out.

One of the many emotions involved was of course anxiety. There was a lot of research, thought, overthought, and doubt. For example, I actually didn’t realise at first, but the earliest point in my questioning stage was actually during a time when my loneliness and craving for love and a romantic future (partly from society, partly because that’s something I believe I genuinely want for myself) seemed so impossible to achieve. I felt very lonely and couldn’t figure out why. I used to get genuine anxiety seeing people holding hands because it felt so despairingly impossible. My environment wasn’t particularly hostile toward lgbt+ people, but nor were they visible and available either. It just didn’t occur to me for a long time.

I didn’t really realise that’s what it was until later. The first moment I realised I might like girls was kind of funny, actually - see I’ve never been a very jealous person, but I thought damn Jenna Coleman looks Good. But I don’t want her clothes, I don’t actually really like that sort of style (Clara Oswald’s sort of vintage style) on myself. I don’t want to be her. I just think she’s fiiiine. After that point I started id’ing as bi because I thought, hey, looks like I like women.

(Then there was a bit more humour bc shortly after it was like, oh dang i really do, clara u know what a gay person is how tf did it take you so long)

During that period I started building my self confidence. For example I kind of had to ‘practice’ liking women - like verbally, openly, even if only to myself. I had to practice thinking, writing, saying, tagging etc etc things about how beautiful and hot women can be rather than just like, they look nice. I started noticing that some of the things I was thinking/saying were a) not how others thought about women and b) sometimes similar to what my friends said about men. I’m also not very sexual so it was hard to figure out that way as well because it wasn’t about kissing or that fiery passion that make the differences a little more obvious.

Then I started to realise/decide (and that’s very important, there was a lot of deciding to change my labels etc and getting myself to be okay with being wrong or going back if things changed) that my bi label was holding onto attraction to men because it was expected not because it was something I actually felt. Then I moved into the gay/lesbian space and sat there pretty comfortably. It took a long time, like literally years, so there wasn’t really a “moment” I came out to myself or something like that. There was a bit of fear but mostly of being incorrect or of what others would think than about the sexuality itself. Mostly it was actually quite nice, finding what I was feeling and how my cravings for love etc were still able to be satisfied just in a different way. It was a little scary doing it on my own (my environment being neutral-to-supportive was kind of fortunate, but didn’t go out of its way), but I found a lot of community both online and irl through my self exploration. I’m so inspired by the way so many lgbt+ people own it and that has genuinely been so helpful. I also most importantly learnt to trust myself and my feelings more.

That part of it made it much easier when it came to questioning my gender as well. I initially questioned whether or not I was trans (binary, ftm) because I thought while I was doing this whole questioning thing I might as well, but it ended up being a pretty clear no to me. I didn’t revisit it for a while after that, but as I found community and started meeting and learning about nonbinary people/identities, I sort of went, “that sounds right, what if that’s me?” And it was 236598165x faster to just go “ok what if it is? you’re nonbinary. if you figure out you’re not later that’s okay, just change. does it feel good now, does it feel right?”, and probably in large part because of the journey I’d been through with my sexuality as well I was able to just go “okay, you’re nonbinary then”

Of course I don’t think I’ll ever fully escape things like doubt and fear of judgement. eg I still feel weird using words with a lot of Meaning(TM) like lesbian and queer. I also still feel a HUGE amount of frustration at the thought that coming out as nonbinary is likely to be waaaaaay less successful/accepted than coming out as gay, especially because of how much I want to come out. I kind of feel annoyed at myself about it sometimes too, but one thing I’ve really learnt over this part of the journey is that it’s not about other people. I would love to get the courage to come out to more people but for now it’s about me and that’s okay. At the very least it helps me understand and explain some of my experiences in the world that were leaving me feeling lost and confused - sometimes more than I realised - before. Even if the only person I can explain them to is myself.

Overall if I may get a little sappy with it, to conclude: I’ve found myself in a place, in an identity, despite a world that hid the door from me for quite a long time. Some people are chased away from that door with pitchforks, and I’m fortunate that wasn’t me, but a lot of people in the same situation as myself might have just walked right on past lost in the crowds. Side note: My particular journey I think is one of the reasons why the whole ~born this way~ kind of rhetoric grates on me a bit. I think without the boldness to make choices a lot of us would never have realised, would never have come out, whether or not we had a biological impulse to do so because we never would have discovered or named what that biological impulse is. I have discovered my intuition as well over this journey and I have found a community I feel deeply bonded to, and for all the doubting and the psychological (and sometimes physical) fuckery we get put through, that has been a very powerful positive influence in my life.

-

LGBT+ asks

[i-might-be-a-kpop-fan]

KPOP SONGS! Part 2/?

So I thought I’d make a list of the songs in my „kpop“ playlist and write a little about them because I’m bored. These are supposed to be chronological, but after looking at the list I’m not so sure about it also because I love to buy music in bulks. 

PT.1

THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS/EXPERIENCES TAKE IT WITH A PINCH OF SALT AND DON’T KILL ME! 

Also write me if you wanna chat about it :D 

ZUTTER - GD & T.O.P:

 This song is a little scary tbh, apart from the badass vibes

I always loved T.O.P’s deep ass voice and with GD’s high pitched rap it’s just perfect

The MV is funny, creepy and a bit fucked up but what did we expect honestly :D

They rhyme aLOT in this song which makes it really interesting to listen to

made me addicted to the GD & T.O.P combination 

…..ZUTTER!

THE BADDEST FEMALE - CL:

 It took me a while to understand that this isn’t a solo version of „I’m the best“

It’s the queen saying she’s a bad bitch so you know it’s a banger

As almost all CL songs this is good to let off steam and regain your badass level after someone pissed you off

The MV is a sexual awakening on it’s own and performances of that song are also definitely worth a watch

„Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good you know?“

Perfect to practice bitch drops and feel yourself to

Burning Up (Fire) - BTS:

 So I don’t really listen a lot to it but I still like it

Has all kinds of badass vibes and I like the soft breaks in-between

RM’s part is by far my favourite his deep voice is so satisfying

The MV is also really cool

You can see from previous songs I had a badass song phase (I still have this phase, I love badass songs) where I only took badass kpop songs seriously

Growl - EXO: 

Okay, so I sometimes forget about this song haha

A good song that screams SM to be honest which I always thought was not that much the case with other EXO songs

The dance to this is really satisfying to watch and was probably the reason I bought this song

It shows EXO’s excellent vocals, has a nice feel and is easy to listen to 

Quite an early song too

I love that you could potentially dance really hard to this but still is very soft

Instantly recognisable and also a kpop classic I would say

GOOD BOY - GD & Taeyang: 

 Is this a kink? This is a kink right?

An awesome song i have bopped to a million times

I really love the „pretty/good boy“ trope and who is better for that then our bad boys™️ GD and Taeyang?

Their voices sound a bit alike and I sometimes had trouble differencing them….whoops

The dance is so so good and the MV is such an accurate representation of these two freaks

God I just love them and miss them so much

I am the best (JP. Ver) - 2ne1:

Welcome to another round of Aki isn’t capable of differencing Japanese and Korean lol

I must say I prefer this version though, I recently bought the korean version and it’s just not the same I got so used to the english parts lol 

This is also a classic, bow to the queens of badass girl group songs!

The MV made me fall in love with CL and the gang

„It’s 2 in the morning our bodies getting freaky, the beats bumping loud but this boy keeps talking! I can’t really hear him but I think he’s saying he loves me? Put his number on this paper but i throw it like frisbee, huh?“

I C O N I C this song raised me, fed me, dressed me and gave me the kick in the butt I needed.

Oh my god! 

BOOMBAYAH - BLACKPINK:

 Why of course after discovering 2ne1 BP wasn’t far behind

Recently showed this MV to a non kpop friend of mine and she drooled over all of them soooo, you can do that

Loved this song the second it started and love dancing violently to it

I now, btw, also own the whole album but it took me a bit to get into them (I was in girl group denial, don’t be like me show them girls some love!)

OPPA!

Being only four really makes it possible for all of them to shine, the vocals are clean and pretty but raspy enough to fit the concept and Jennie and Lisas raps are perfect as always

The beat is easy as is the whole song, doesn’t get annoying and is just a bop.  

Fantastic Baby - BIGBANG:

Nananananananana wow, fantastic baby!

Well well well if it isn’t history right there

Watch the MV, listen to the song! It’s mandatory to know this I’m sorry I don’t make the rules

Danceable, walkable just all in all go crazy(-able)

Boomshakalaka! 

A bit poppy so maybe not for everyone as it sounds a lot like stuff that is randomly on the radio

A dance song that probably was never intended to be more than that. Typically YG, a bit flatter than Bang Bang Bang

I’m repeating myself but you know I heard it’s also something non kpop people enjoy (Basically show them all of BIGBANG, lol)

Ice cream cake - Red Velvet:

Oh boy! My first Red Velvet song that I have because the refrain was stuck in my head and I wanted to know what it was

There’s way more RV later on but for now I think it was the only song

As I said I was in denial of girl groups that didn’t have a badass concept which was soooo dumb!

I love the song, it’s cute and easy to listen to

I love RV’s kinda cute-creepy concept and with the music box in the background it feeds into my liking very easily

I have moved on from it though after discovering other songs from them so I don’t listen to it as often

„I scream, you scream, gimme that, gimme that ice cream!“

Sherlock (Clue + Note) - SHINee:

I have known this song for years! Back when my best friend was into kpop and told me all about SHINee I looked into it, Youtube gave me this song and I instantly clicked. Didn’t like it clicked away and didn’t touch it for 5 years

Well now I love it and can’t stop dancing when it’s on

„SHINees back….“

The MV is confusing but god they’re all so cute in it! Taemin looks so adorable with long hair!

I have watched the dance practice about 100x times and you should too! (jk)

„Tonight, SHINee’s in da house! So give it up for SHINee!“

And as much as I love SHINee’s vocal squad and they’re great in this, Key and Minho really do it for me in this song

The song lives from the dance and the performance and makes it 10x better

It’s also good for just listening though but not really calm and casual so be prepared to break out into sudden song

„Oh I’m curious, yeah!“ (Is it noticeable that I’m listening to it while I write? probably not.)

Breaking News - SHINee:

 And my struggle with japanese songs continues haha

„Come on break down the walls!“

I really like this song though, especially the refrain it’s so much fun

It’s also really danceable (as I think every SHINee song is, I mean have you seen them dance?)

Partly really dramatic (slay Onew slay), partly badass rapping

I mean it’s SHINee it’s fun bright and has a dance rhythm what more could you possibly want?

Ring Ding Dong - SHINee:

 Yeah, i doubt you don’t know this one

Coincidently the first kpop MV I watched after deciding to dive deeper down the rabbit hole and well would you know it…now we’re here

It’s the one about the broken doorbell! Break it down!

This song and dance is Legendary!

Also a fun song that isn’t to be taken too seriously

The MV is kinda dramatic for this song lol

Good to listen to, has a nice beat and melody

There are these songs that every idol can dance to, this is one of them (In the list of “songs every idol can dance to” you’d find a LOT of SHINee btw)

„Ringdingdongringdindongringdigidingdigiding“

SHAKE THAT BRASS - AMBER (feat. Taeyon):

Amber…oh Amber. I love her really a whole lot and as I saw the MV I just had to have this song!

It’s a super fun and dancey song with (as the title suggests) a brassy sound

Much like Woof Woof I really enjoy this song bc of the MV, 

Amber is rapping and being the goofball she is ;)

BUT! As much as I like that song and think she deserves all the solo stuff she can get I like her new stuff more because it’s more „hers“. I really enjoy her singing as well.

And confession of the month: I don’t like f(x)’s sound so I’m happy she does solo stuff

She’s such an inspiration with her unique style and attitude (sighs in very gay)

 Lucifer - SHINee:

 I LOVE this song! OMG!

The MV is kinda uneventful but the DANCE PRACTICE!

Oh boy! Well first off Lee Taemin is very distracting in it but you have to see the dance to believe it! That’s what they perform with! On a regular basis!

The sound is very electric and theres a quiet electric melody running through the whole of it that kinda sounds like some alarm clocks lol

Edgy™️

You should absolutely watch performances! Jonghyuns high note is not portrayed well in the recorded version, boy has breath forever!

Apart from the vocals slaying absolutely every note the rap parts can’t be discarded by any means

It all just fits so perfectly

Oh and of course for a song of it’s time it’s just a little bit...nonsensical (especially the english parts lol: Loverholic, robotronic. what?)

Hero - MONSTA X:

 I’m thinking of a helicopter landing platform, pulled up shirts and a scared Wonho 

The dance to this song is…well do yourself a favour if you like abs and boys

Apart from the drool worthy performance, the song is super cool! Kinda chill, but still powerful and damn rapline went off!

This song really made them known more and it’s for a good reason

The sound in this is what is „typically“ MX for long time (Till up until Jealousy I’d say)

„I can be your hero, I can be your man!“

Sometimes a bit repetitive but what song isn’t lol?

Also still is in the „we all dress awful and don’t know what to do with our hands“ phase but that passes soon

Lead to many wonderful reality shows that makes it easy for new fans to get to know them better (Their group dynamic never changes they all just mature a bit it’s really nice to see.)

Also yes, Jooheon is kinda scary in this but I swear he a cutie

[professor-abeloved]

About the JakeXMC 50 OTP Things, can u do all of them? Well, that is, if u don't mind.... 😊

50 OTP THINGS

ty anon for ur mc/jake thirst patience :> as well as the fact ur helping me sate MY mc/jake thirst HAHAHA

using my mc eli de loyola!

1. Who is the early bird/ Who is the night owl?

eli’s the early birdie while jake is the night owl ! most days eli will wake up at 7 am (wtf) and slightly rouses jake who clings to him as much as possible. eli spends a few minutes carding his hands through jake’s hair (partly because it soothes jake and partly because he has a thing for running his fingers through jake’s hair) before actually getting up

2. Who is the big spoon/ Who is the little spoon?

jake’s the big spoon! despite being shorter HAHA its so cute

3. Who hogs the cover/ Who loves to cuddle?

jake both hogs the covers and loves to cuddle HAHA survival instincts kasi. eli doesnt mind bc he feels warm in jake’s arms anyway

4. Who wakes the other one up with kisses?

eli does! jake loves it… altho he’s been a lil wary every since he once woke up to eli’s dog licking his face instead aekjfsdajl he was so embarrassed 

5. Who usually has nightmares?

jake used to having nightmares about his time in the army + about mike p frequently but at this point he says he’s learnt to deal with them :( having eli nearby to calm him down helps a lot. plus i like to think that lundrugen (?? whatever he’s irrelevant) +co go to jail and this helps jake sleep better…

eli on the other hand dissociates a lot after the events of la huerta and frequently has nightmares of his friends dying. jake stays up and helps him call everyone one by one to make sure they’re all okay

6. Who would have really deep emotional thoughts at the middle of the night/ Who would have them in the middle of the day? 

jake has them during the night, eli during the day

7. Who sweats the small stuff?

jake secretly does & eli thinks it’s cute

8. Who sleeps in their underwear (or naked)/ Who sleeps in their pajamas?

tbh jake would totes sleep in his birthday suit (which is why he hogs the blankets bc he’s the type to feel v hot at first only to freeze later on) and eli sleeps in pajamas. altho eli makes jake wear pants when they sleep in the same bed 

(jake argues that he’s “going to end up losing those pants anyway so whats the point”

and eli lightly shoves his smirking face away like “binch no i for one plan to get some sleep tonight” 

“that wont be the only thing ur getting ;)” 

“jaCOB LUCAS CAN U NOT I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW”)

9. Who makes the coffee (or tea)?

eli makes tea for jake who initially didn’t like it but found that it calms him down (especially after nightmares)

10. Who likes sweet/ Who likes sour?

eli likes it sweet while jake likes sour more lol

11. Who likes horror movies/ Who likes romance movies?

eh i dont think they like horror movies OR romance though jake’s a fan of action movies & eli likes superheroes so they compromise on that. maybe somedays they curl up on the hammock and watch a romance movie bc they’re too lazy to get the remote. jake makes fun of it only to feel emotional at the end when the love interest dies lol

12. Who is smol/ Who is tol?

jakey’s smol, eli’s tol hehe

13. Who is considered the scaredy cat?

neither? jake reacts to the situations accordingly and is almost never shookt while eli is generally sensible and level-headed

14. Who kills the spiders?

eli stomps on it / hits it with his prosthetic HAHA

15. Who is scared of the dark?

neither.

16. Who is scared of thunderstorms?

neither. eli has a weird fondness for them bc they remind him of the time jake saved them from the weird lightning storm in chapter 1 hehe

17. Who works/ Who stays at home?

i hc that they both work after the events of la huerta

18. Who is a cat person/ Who is a dog person?

eli’s a dog person while jake is a wolf person (LOL) and they do get a dog at one point

19. Who loves to call the other one cute names?

uh idk if it’s cute per se but jake calls eli “boy scout”, “darling”, “babe” and stuff like that while eli calls him… “hotness”. that’s the best he’s got really.

20. Who is dominant/ Who is submissive?

ahsdjsak it’s a big thing for them to fight for dominance but more often than not jake ends up on top 

21. Who has an obsession (over anything)?

eli has an obssessing with collecting (like collecting clues and idols HAHA) trinkets 

22. Who goes all out for Valentine’s Day?

eli would!! jake would be touched by all the effort awww

23. Who asks who out on the first date?

from eli’s perspective he’s the one who asked jake out on a normal date in a coffeeshop while jake thinks he made the first move by asking eli to ride with him on a plane (loaned by rourke industries where aleister is the boss now and just let me live with these post la huerta hcs okay)

24. Who is the talker/ Who is the listener? 

they’re pretty equal in this regard, though jake marvels at how he can open up to eli because eli’s such a good, attentive listener

25. Who wears the other ones clothes?

eli wears jake’s jacket (which fits him p snugly) and jake is like “o shit it looks so good on him”

26. Who likes to eat healthy/ Who loves junk food?

jake eats junk food/whatever’s on hand while eli tries (emphasis on tries) to stir them to heathier diets

27. Who takes a long shower/ Who sings in the shower?

eli takes a longer shower because he likes to belt out hayley rose songs. jake hears and teases em though the door about finishing up his lil concert (because he likes to rile eli up. he’s actually v amused by the singing.) eli replies with a classic “why dont you come here and make me” and then jake enters the bathroom and the rest as they say is history ;)

28. Who is the book worm?

neither tbh they don’t read (heh) as the bookworm types

29. Who is the better cook?

eli haha jake has no patience with cooking

30. Who likes long walks on the beach?

eli def!

31. Who is more affectionate?

eli shows more affection while jake craves it more fkdsjnd

32. Who likes to have really long (deep) conversation?

oh man jake says he doesn’t like long deep convos but there’s something about eli that gets him to open up and eli likes to be there for jake as much as possible

33. Who would wear “not guilty” t-shirt/ Who would wear “sin” t-shirt?

oh man eli makes jake wear “not guilty” b/c yo jake is totally innocent!! while jake makes eli wear “sin” because damn does he think that eli is sexy as hell

34. Who would wear “if lost return to…” t-shirt/ Who would wear “I am…” t-shirt?

jake wears “if lost, return to eli” while eli wears “i am eli” bc his lone wolf is prone to wandering off (but jake always returns to him

35. Who goes overboard on the holidays?

eli’s aunt HAHA who invites em over for the holidays once she’s cool with jake

36. Who is the social media addict?

ehhh neither like eli spends the normal amount of time on social media tho he posts a lot of group pics since he’s an extravert ahaha

37. Height difference or age difference?

uh both? eli’s taller and jake’s older if i remember right

38. Who likes to star gaze?

eli

39. Who buys cereal for the prize inside?

eliii the prize is a toy plane he gets for jake awww

40. Who is the fun parent/ Who is the responsible parent?

surprisingly jake is responsible parent and eli is the fun one

41. Who cries during sad movies? 

jake gets emotional during romcoms when the LI dies jfkndks

42. Who is the neat freak?

uh jake has an organized “system” but it only makes sense to him while eli is just. no. just no. he’s not rachel from the freshman/sophomore level bad but he is not organized either

43. Who wins the stuffed animals at the carnival for the other one?

jake does hehe

44. Who is active/ Who is lazy?

eli’s active and more into health stuff while jake is lazy

45. Who is more likely to get drunk?

eli has a lower tolerance HAHA

46. Who has the longer food order?

eli haha he’s more conscientious with food stuff

47. Who has the more complex coffee order?

jake bc i find it funny HAHAHA

48. Who loses stuff?

eli bc he’s a mess

49. Who is the driver/ Who is the passenger?

jake drives & eli rides (;D ;D ;D)

50. Who is the hopeless romantic?

neither. jake is v cynical while eli is saks lang. more hopeful than most, but definitely not naive by any standards

[fluffi]

so should i reply in tiny font or just regular font?

hybe should do better in spreading out the comebacks of the groups under them :/ they're already at a huge advantage, might as well use it strategically. AHA streaming mvs is so convenient for a multi. the filler vids i could use in between could be mvs from the other groups that i stan. also you know what, i still haven't watched a single final performance bc im waiting for a friend to watch with me :D

i have a chinese movie recommendation in case you want something to cry over. i still love its ost and it's been months since i watched it. i'm not sure if you watched it already but more than blue. i've never cried over a movie as much as i cried for that one. the angst *chef's kiss*. i'd do anything to wipe my memory of it and watch it again for the first time.

also sungchan is mc-ing in inkigayo every sunday! and honestly, what the hell is nct hollywood :D but a part of me thinks it's just going to be a bunch of asians living in america like johnny that'll be a part of it. just a hunch tho. imagine having all 4 units coming back in a year with like 1 unit per quarter of the year. i'm not sure if sm even has the money to do this, especially when they filed bankruptcy recently.

and i've seen a lot of twitter memes saying taro's ghosted stans T_T alexa play ghosting by txt T_T sm come on give him smth to do, you're wasting talent.

the mall didn't burn down entirely (like from the outside it looked fine). the ventilation system caught fire so it was more internal—ceilings and all that. covered things with soot(?) and ashes so the entire mall was closed for nearly 2 years. and hey, i've experienced a school fire too back when i was younger. i, too, thought it was nothing but a fire drill until i saw the charred remains of the buildings behind our school : D thankfully, no one died.

the new nct track is for a samsung commercial AHAHA it's funny because nearly everyone uses apple TT_TT and the mv screams neo culture tech tho (well as it should lmao). yes, i was talking about that part in hot sauce but yes, it grew on me too.

ateez really know how to do a performance. they put the standard so high for me when it came to performing. their facial expressions and overall stage presence just impresses me. it's been a while since i've seen idols draw me to them by those standards.

ah, the long stan list! good luck in getting through it and i hope you do have fun as you go :] (also you can check out aurora by ateez and whiplash by tbz. the songs popped up in my head as i was typing this reply, you might like them)

ohhhh, what was the pd48 scandal? i don't watch survival shows so i don't know any of the stuff going on. would you care to elaborate? about their disbandment :(( i hope you're okay now tho! are the other girls still debuting in new groups? anyone eyeing an acting career instead of being an idol?

YES, A PATTERN IN THE BIASES (if you count an analysis of two ppl as a pattern, that is.) because it's the same pattern i have for my biaswreckers :D jake & seungmin, not only do they have the same animal to represent them, they have the same 'golden retriever' type of personality that just makes you go all soft. ygwim ;n; i wish i could elaborate but both boys just devastate me in the same level and my friends pointed out that they were quite similar in some aspects.

jaemin used to send really long bbl messages :< like if there was anything he loved most it was nctzens and it was obv in his messages. speaking of dream, album repackage news today! idk what to feel bc my hot sauce albums haven't even arrived yet :D + i'm dead br0ke.

how do you even manage to read 30k TT__TT i cant handle long fics bc of my attention span :D also, yes, i found the user now, i'll check if i'll like their works soon. <33

YES YOU SHOULDVE BEEN THERE T_T what a day that was. i think seungmin is still sweet and active in bbl. not a single cent goes to waste with him. also i think i'll post the drabble some time this month.

and oml seungmin vs jake :o let's see how that goes O.O XDD

clickity-clackity AHAH do you have a mechanical keyboard? :c i wanted one too but i haven't got around to saving up for one. but yes indeed, typing asmr v relaxing \m/

sunny hyuck day, fullsun sunday, fullsunday T_T feels were very strong that day. i kept seeing edits on my twt tl and i would just s o b : D i've only stanned nct for a year but i've seen him grow so much i just wanted to crie i love him sm :') yk my mom didn't cook spaghetti for my birthday, but she cooked for hyuck's? : D

and i checked ur recs blog and indeed, full of nct T_T

also have i mentioned that your desktop thing amuses me so much HAHAH i got confused for a sec if i had twt opened or tumblr. plus, i've been wanting to mention that i noticed that our mobile themes are opposites. black and red, white and blue. it's cute XDD <3

help, people have been telling me that our asks are long but i highkey love it. i added a ‘keep reading’ for the mobile users though, sorry in advance hh.

honestly, both works. tiny font saves space but regular font does more justice for my poor eyes haha. its your call!

hybe comebacks :( yeah enhypen got lucky because they came back right before cb season so they got three wins (yay)! on the bright side, txt just got their first win and bts has six wins, so it all works out i guess. omg yes, the streaming thing is perfect. i stan like 20 groups so i have a never-ending cycle of filler mvs and its always so helpful. ooh for the final performances - you wont regret watching any of them! literally wild, kingdom's budget and talent are wild.

ooh, I don't watch any cdramas lmao. i want to but i can barely finish kdramas. if its a movie ill watch it! ive never heard of more than blue but ill check it out <3 where can i watch it?

yes yes i have just realized that sungchan is yujin's co-mc! i watched their special stage (which is literally adorable) and was today years old when i realized that the dude is sungchan pls. nct hollywood was so unexpected and i still have mixed feelings about it now. LMAO JUST ASIANS LIVING IN AMERICA...help. that would be interesting (?) but the concept reminds me of those horrendous awesomeness tv shows. lets hope sm pulls this off well and proves me wrong. lmao all 4 units coming back would probably happen, but i hope none of them get overworked :( i constantly feel like mork lee has four clones :'( also...sm filed bankcruptcy??? dang, what happened?

ugh omg yeah shotaros talent is seriously being wasted in the basement right now. as for fires, scary T-T i wasnt that fazed by them until the australia wildfires happened, and i learned about the consequences of fire and got really scared. its good that the entire mall didnt burn down though! although its weird that no one is opening it :( schools really need to tell us the difference between drills though, it might be dangerous for those rebellious kids.

yeah i just realized that the nct track is an endorsement which partly explains why i cant listen to it. the mv's visuals are stunning!! the set and people are so gorgeous aa i cant

oh yeah im not an atiny but i have acknowledged since 2020 that they have one of the best, if not the best stage presence and expressions on stage for 4th gen. i think their only worthy competitor would be stray kids actually. theyre truly one of a kind and all of them are cute especially that yeosang guy. i will definitely check out your song recommendations though!

oof the pd48 scandal is extremely complicated. to condense it in a few statements: all of the girls' rankings have been rigged since the very beginning and it was rumored that they already had their end group before the show even started. it was like this for pf48 and pdx101 (group x1) which was why x1 disbanded within a month of debuting, and izone were on hiatus for like 4 months. im not the best at explaining stuff like this haha, but i think you get it. you can check out yt or search up 'pd48 scandal', a ton of articles and videos. as for new groups, nothing has been made clear yet. theyve only made instagram handles for now and appeared on variety shows haha. as for acting career, hyewon was supposed to do acting but was forced to join pd48 so maybe she'll continue acting afterwards? nothing is confirmed yet!

lmao two similarities, its okay it counts. ah, true, i can see their similarities now that youve mentioned it, as well as how jeno is kind of like that. however, i am currently attached to jaemin so we'll see what happens from there hehe. i swerve easily.

jaemin on bubble grr, that would be a whole experience. from the bare minimum of vidoes ive seen for him wbk jaemin is so whipped for czennies. ah yes repackage! i saw the post on instagram and went to the comments to see everything screaming ‘iM bROke!’ and it was lowkey hilarious lmao. kpop is really trying to suck our money T-T.

ope the longest fic ive read is like...40k words i think? and it was by jeonginks. ill read anything eiko produces lmao, theres always so much substance in her work. ooh, tell me what you think of luvdsc’s stuff, i just finished binging their entire masterlist lmao.

seungmin vs jake yeah, i havent been catching up on skz enha content because im still obsessing over the dreamies but when that saga is over then im going to focus on my ults lmao (which might include dream soon, hehe).

yes yes i have a mechanical bluetooth keyboard that i use to connect to my computer! it literally sounds amazing lmao, its only 10am here but i feel like im going to doze off from the clickity clackitys already. i cant wait for you to get one! tell me when you do, we can match hehe.

hyuck is an aodrable brat please. hes like the best comedian of nct at this point, so hilarious and filled with variety i love him. he rose up my bias list pretty fast too. LMAO YOUR MOM IS SO COOL I LOVE HER ALREADY. if only my mom would cook for my ults’ borndays.

yes my rec blog is a mess right now, ill organize it soon haha.

omg thank you and yes my website theme is one-of-a-kind. even i get confused when i open it or edit it, and i constantly get comments about it. also i just realized our opposing theme colors and i love it! its adorable.

[justsimplyshare]

A little bit unsure and scared

, actionSo recently I blocked 2 people. One was more important than the other. Now I’m feeling a bit lonely, kinda sad and regretful. Like I’m not 100% sure if I did the right thing. Like what if I was wrong.

Also a bit embarrassed. I’m afraid they may think I’m a jerk. This is an afternoon, I am here sitting in the balcony on the rooftop by myself. After finishing my tutoring session I felt somewhat lonely and empty. And I started to miss Phanh after not talking to her for a week. I’ve been waiting for her to initiate the conversation and make amend as usual. This time it seems a bit longer so I start to worry. What if we’ll never talk again? What I really end up losing her. This is sunset time, the clouds are floating by. Watching them makes me feel a bit calmer and hopeful.

QPhuong initiated the conversation on Zalo and it made me a bit ashamed of my blocking her. So I chose to just ignore her messages first and wait for my emotions cool down. Maybe by then I’d see things clearer.

I can’t initiate the conversation bc I think it would make me a jerk (in front of Phanh). She always talks about ppl who create dramas as if they’re all jerks. So I feel like I can’t be those jerks. For years I’ve been considering her my sidekick friend, someone whose respect and admiration I can have for sure. Therefore her opposition to my ideas/opinions is highly regarded as a threat to me. I used to think that if she disagrees with me I must be wrong. And being wrong is what I hate so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I thought I must always maintain a higher status in our relationship. Like this is the only way that I can have some sort of security which I significantly lacked in my early years.

Trying to be ‘’right’’, ‘’in control’’ used to protect me, or at least I liked to think so back then. But it is really backfiring now. It’s no longer a protection and starts to be a real threat to my physical, mental health and interpersonal relationships.

Now I kinda realised that it’s OK for people to think of me in some certain ways. Like it all that can spontaneously exist at the same time. They have their own unique experiences that shape their thinking and the way of being. And I do too. It’s OK. It’s alright.

It’s must be so hard for me all these years living like that. I couldn’t help but block them. I really tried to calm down, exercise, listen to music, watch funny things to entertain and distract myself. You know, all sort of things. So it’s not an act out of impulsivity. It’s an act after a lot of consideration. It must mean that there are stuffs built up for so long that led me to behave in a passive aggressive way like that. I felt like I was taken advantage of, there was an ‘’imbalance’’ in power. So I just attempted to get even, to gain back some fairness and strip down a bit of inferiority deep down.

The people I blocked are partly to blame. Surely I they did something and said something that pissed me off.

So I acknowledge that it all happened, for whatever reason, and can’t be undone. Me and them, us. We are all influenced by our surroundings and upbringing.

This is not the end of the relationships. Just wait, contain, and embrace the experience.

I forgive myself for what I did and them for what they did.

From now on, I will choose to speak my mind and do what I want to, not try to please people. For the time being, just wait and see, things will change.

step 1: notice your own feelings and needs in the situation

step 2: imagine the ‘’joy’’ or ‘’disappointment’’ of cancelling

step 3: communicate your needs, wants first,  SAY NO FIRST IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, then

maybe reach some sort of negotiation, depending on the specific situation 

why I did that, background, action, kindfulness, forgiveness, hope

[fishtalking]

as always I’m thinking too much and need to get it out of my brain already before I explode

I really need to call the therapist tomorrow bc I just need to get perspective on this? and I don’t want to tell my friends about this anymore. I feel insufferable bringing it up w my church friends and I don’t think I can ever tell riel about this unless.. idk. even if kiba was ok w it would I tell them? it doesn’t seem like kiba told riel anything so idk

I feel bad for not really being able to be honest with riel or kiba anymore. especially riel. I feel like there was something like very open honesty when I first became friends w riel bc I was also going thru kiba problems and being able to commiserate w them about it helped. we meshed so well and then as kiba and I got closer ig I didn’t feel right about that anymore? I wanted to keep us drama free as possible but mmgh.. as always I just forgot how they have feelings too. I should know how worrisome things are if you lack information and yet I just did the same thing

and the thing is that I really want to talk about it! not the Incident but like. in general. I hope to god that riel doesn’t feel like I’m just talking to them now bc I don’t have kiba to talk to. I don’t ever want them to feel like I’m taking advantage of them. I don’t want to take advantage of anybody!! I want to be able to be honest with my friends and like. idk. share more of myself I guess. Friendship is give and take and I can’t offer to listen to anybody’s problems if I don’t make myself vulnerable either. I honestly know exactly what I need to dicuss with both of my friends. I need to talk to riel about kiba and about Us and I need to talk to kiba about just. the turmoil I’ve been going through I guess. something like that?

The things I need to talk to riel about: do they feel taken advantage of? Do they think I like kiba better than them? did they think we would get together? are they afraid they’ll get left behind? am I being a bad friend. 

I always want to get closer to riel but I really do wonder if I like kiba better sometimes. liking kiba better is.. not the right way to say it tho. they just require different energies. kiba can be easier to talk to just bc he’s fun and simple while riel can get real negative sometimes. but at the same time riel’s never made me feel real uncomfortable the way kiba can sometimes. we’re on the same page more often than not about how we feel about sex and relationships and friendships and stuff and it’s fun to know how similar we are and learn how different we are as our friendship develops. I can’t rly empathize w the parts of them that are suffering but I still want to be someone they can lean on for support. I want to be friends w them still and idk how it’s going to go if I eventually stop being friends w kiba bc of what happened. I don’t know how nervous they might feel about the fact that we’re taking a break or if they’re wondering about it at all. Somehow I don’t really know how riel feels about things and I’m ?? about how I should move forward. I don’t know if the wisest thing is to tell them I might not remain friends w kiba bc like. obviously.

I’m just apprehensive because I’ve already caused some rift between riel and kiba and I don’t want to be the cause of any more. when I first became friends w them I felt so safe because I figured I wouldn’t be that important to either of them? they would be best friends w each other and I’d be someone fun they’d talk to every once in a while. I wouldn’t have to compete for anything bc there would be no competition. now I’m.. something else. maybe I’m arrogant for thinking that but still. I’m in unfamiliar territory again and I can’t say it doesn’t scare me. 

I don’t want the only reason I consider riel to be out of guilt bc I think about kiba more. I want to be a better friend for them

it’s funny I should feel that same pit of the stomach feeling when they talka bout friends they’re closer to than we are but I should just see it as the friendship stability thing again right? but I’m not sure if it’s rly the same.. maybe it is

it’s funny how riel still manages to be more honest about their feelings than kiba, who’s still much more honest than I am

Things I need to talk to kiba about: god so many things. too many things. guilt. our friendship. pulling the stops if it comes down to it. my own feelings about it? whether it’s fair to either of us to continue this

I miss him but honestly like.. how much do I really? it’s no lie that a lot of stuff about him made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable just purely in terms of sex alone. he’s.. idk if he’s stagnant rn but he’s definitely not in a place in life where he inspires me to work harder and grow the way riel does. I don’t feel like I’m talking to someone older than I am when I talk to him sometimes. he’s just.. really childish in a lot of ways and I need him to not be that way if we’re going to continue our friendship. I need him to.. not be him?? which lmfao is something I absolutely could not ask of anybody ever. even if he got a job and a car and whatever so what. I don’t want to stay with somebody whose maturity doesn’t grow. I’m plenty impulsive myself and I don’t need someone who exacerbates that me 

honestly when I think about just not being friends w him anymore I feel such a sensation of relief that it makes me really wonder if it’s worth it to go on!! like ya I’d lose a lot but really I just want to stay friends w riel. but if I ended up losing riel.. ?? but like. idk. if I started to affiliate w so and so would it just get complicated. I don’t know!!!! it just seems like a fucking shame but I also can’t hold onto anybody just because I get annoyed at the apparent one-year expiration date on my friendships

I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. with luke I felt regret but not guilt. with kiba and riel I always feel guilt. guilt, guilt, overwhelming guilt, all the fucking time and I’m sick of it! I should be friends with my friends because I like having fun with them, not because I feel some weird obligation to be a good friend for some reason or another. when the hell did I become so guilt-ridden? it’s like I’m getting eaten up from the inside by piranhas or something. I’m going to get an ulcer from all of this

so if I continue being friends w kiba I don’t want to feel guilt anymore. I don’t want to feel guilt from myself and I don’t want to feel guilt from him either. I can’t stay in a friendship that’s steeped with guilt and shame all the time anymore. it’ll just tie us together in tangled knots in the worst ways possible and I won’t have any of that in my life anymore

I don’t like the path that we’re headed down if things continue the way they do. The weird kind of emotional codependency is definitely rearing its head and we need to pull a full stop if it does. I want to be honest!! I want to tell kiba exactly how I feel and break down why there is so much of this guilt with him. I want the words to come out of my fucking mouth instead of getting stuck in there like some fish bone in my throat. I’ll let him make his own decisions about how I’ve been feeling so far and I’ll let him as his own questions

I’m still not sure if full disclosure is the best way to go about it. despite everything I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to tell him about these toxic thoughts I’ve had and have him hate me. I don’t want to tell him how school shit is still hanging over my head because I thought I would succeed but he ruined part of it for me. the college tuition. my efforts. I didn’t fucking study for it anyway and I gave up but I whether it was of my own volition is just up in the fucking air (but not really but maybe partly) and can I forgive him?? can I remain friends w him without forgiving him?? would it be fair to either of us (read: no, esp if I TELL him I haven’t forgiven him)  but what is the right answer!! I have so much bottled inside of me and I wish to god there was just a right way to do things or at the very least that I was a little more upfront and decisive instead of waffling around should I’s and should I not’s over and over again until my eyeballs bleed

I just don’t!! want to feel guilt anymore!! no more guilt no more guilt!!! there’s no way me and kiba could possibly be and item now and I just have to accept it. no more romance. no more love swirling around. this is my firm decision. I’ll tell kiba that we just cannot and that he has to move on from me. even if I think to myself “there’s no telling what the future will bring” right now, at this moment, I have to completely shut the lid on this possibility. too fucking bad, me. maybe it would have been fun to try but right now? you have to cut it out like a festering limb. I have a bad feeling about it and no matter how much it smarts it’s just what has to happen for now. I have no idea still how kiba fell in love w me in less than a year and I have no idea if he hasn’t put me on a pedestal or something. either way I don’t have a good feeling about it, I never felt 100% good about it, and the best thing to do with how we are now is to snip it off at the bud. I don’t want to think about the imbalance that we have in terms of how we feel our feelings, the imbaalnce we have in terms of sexual needs, the imbalance we have in terms of our own stability as people. it’s bad real estate and I have to make the decision to end it.

maybe I’ll feel better about just being friends if I no longer have to think about romance anymore. honestly the fucking love triangle or whatever this thing could possibility be called has been the biggest source of stress for me and I’m done with the guilt it produces like a fucked up natural resource. I’m not mining for any of this guilt anymore. it’s not fun, it’s never been fun, and I don’t know why I’ve let myself suffocate in this cave anymore. the canary died years ago and also I am that canary because I let myself keep going even tho the end evidently lead to my becoming a very dead corpse!

and I can’t really be that mad at myself. it was a learning experience to the very end and I know I’ll always be grateful to the both of them the same way I am grateful to luke. I’ve never experienced people’s feelings like this before and it’s been invaluable to learn so much no matter how it might end. maybe love isn’t an impossibility for me but this flavor is something I don’t want to pursue anymore. it’s chaining us down and I would like nothing more than to free us, myself included. and at least if I take this step I’ll be guilt free!! like there will be no reason for me to stress out about it anymore bc at that point it won’t be my responsibility anymore. all I can do is keep myself unchained and I can’t do anything about what they ultimately decide to do themselves.

I’ve been so uncertain about what to do that making the decision to end this is. I’m not sure if I can call it a relief yet. there’s still an inkling of something but like I can’t bear to think about the alternative anymore. I can’t bear thinking that I’m taking advantage of kiba or riel, I can’t bear the burden of this guilt anymore, and none of this is fun! none of this is fun at all!!!

so this is it. I’m still young. whatever happens, happens. but right now all I want to do is keep my friends and have fun with them. five months is more than long enough. no matter how much I might think “who knows that the future will bring” right now, I have to end it. I already said that but I need to emphasize that to myself again. and maybe say it to kiba too. it’s an acknowledgment of the uncertain future but a firm declaration of my resolution now.

if kiba finds someone else.. I know I’ll be jealous. I always am of my friend’s other relationships. I end up wanting to be the most important, more special. it’s the ugliest part of me, the part of me that wants the deepest affection no matter how evident it is that it’s really not the best course of action at all. so I’ll just get over it like an adult. kiba’s already had his hookup with someone else and no matter how I felt about it then, I have to get over it now. A long time ago I might have wanted to have fun w him but now that’s not an option anymore. that’s okay. and honestly, I know feeling jealous is just normal. of course I’d feel jealous, especially with the way friendships like this have come to mean to me. but living means accepting it and moving on. I really can’t have everything. nobody can. 

If we all move on I’ll feel happy for kiba and I’ll feel happy for myself. I’ll find that gratitude of mine for all the people I love in this world. no matter what happens I know I’ll love them the same way I love all the people who’ve touched my life so far. no matter how my feelings shift and change about kiba being my brother or not or whatever, I’ll still have that love of mine

and that’s how I want to feel!! I want to think of nothing but the warmest love when I think of my friends. I want to love riel and I want to love kiba and I want to tell them that freely. I want to hold that love in my heart always instead of this guilt that festers like an infection inside of my ribs. These friendships can’t continue if guilt is the main thing I feel from them. 

I hope to god that I don’t lose whatever feelings I’m having rn when I wake up tomorrow because despite feelings like an idiot for so long I feel slightly less without direction than I did just a few moments ago. I’ve picked a direction and now I need to walk it no matter what happens. there’s no way to pick a “right” direction anyway, so I need to pick the one that makes me feel better in the end.

I’m still not sure how my friendship w kiba will pan out. maybe this is something I have to consider again now that I’ve chosen a Path. I should talk to him about this guilt I’m feeling and the reason why I’m putting an end to the romantic stuff between us. the guilt is because I felt like I was taking advantage of him, because sometimes I felt like taking advantage of him, and feelings like that scared me. knowing how differently we feel things scared me. none of this felt fair to him but also me from the very beginning. should I talk to him about riel? it still doesn’t feel right to just talk about it so I’ll ask riel if it’s okay first. open communication is important! so maybe I’ll talk to riel first and then I’ll talk to kiba this weekend? as soon as possible either way, so I don’t lose my grip on my decision to End things

I still need to decide how much I’m going to tell. I can’t let “how much is appropriate to tell” to be the main thought in my head anymore because I’ll never come to a decision if I do. I have to decide what info I’m going to say and stick by it. 

everything up until now has happened bc I was too fucking pussy to talk to it w kiba or riel and honestly? no matter how much the incident fucked me up thank fucking god that one thing good (or at least PRACTICAL) is coming out of it. fucking silver lining!! there’s the silver string I’m so good at finding

god I can’t wait to get this chapter of our lives done and over with already. there will always be new problems as I learn more about people and break out of this naive shell I live in but I’m ready to stop shriveling in one continuous problem like some fucked up pickle. what a relief? is it a relief yet. only time will tell. but Knowing that I’ve picked a direction for myself feels so much more practical than torturing myself with uncertainty

I still have that glaring hole of non-resolution. am I going to keep being friends w kiba when I haven’t forgiven him yet. money is still a big deal. it’s kind of a big deal that I want to just not want to be friends w him anymore. honestly it’s the same deal where I just need to make a fucking decision.

if I decide not to be friends with him anymore it’s definitely something I will have to talk to riel about. I’d tell riel that if kiba want to tell them what happened then they can ask him. I’m not sure if we could rly remain friends like the way they can perhaps remain friends w kiba but that’s rly not up to me to presume. whether I’m right or wrong isn’t my responsibility. I would just ask them to decide if they want to continue being friends with me. it doesn’t feel fair to put this burden on them but I don’t see what else I could do without falling into the pit of feelings responsible for other people again.

and that’s the thing. I feel responsible for kiba’s family etc again and that’s the biggest thing that’s tripping me up. which is ridiculous? I don’t have any obligation towards anyone and he doesn’t have any obligation towards me. no matter how much fun we might have had, if it’s not fun anymore then it’s just not fun anymore. I could just keep the break longer but that’d just be the last five months all over again. 

I don’t. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore. I want to stay friends but I want to not be friends more than I want to be friends. this sucks!!! I wanted things to work out but if my college tuition wasn’t such a fucking issue I wouldn’t be going thru the turmoil that I am right now. 

maybe what I need to do first is sit my mom down first and tell her the truth of what happened. it’s been a long time coming anyway. I need to tell her what happened to her money, if we’ll be okay, everything. there’s really no other way for it. even if it ends up being okay will I be able to forgive him?

I think I’m approaching this the wrong way tho. I keep asking myself if I can forgive him like I’m trying to force it so I can just make it okay for us to be friends again. I need to stop asking myself that. first I need to resolve this with my mom and see if she forgives me. this whole money issue is something I have to work out in myself.

this is something I’ve been wondering so long if it’s the best idea to bring up with kiba. it’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t want anybody to have that hanging over their head. I said no guilt!! but isn’t it like lying if I keep this from him. this is ultimately.. something I very much want to talk to a therapist about so I’ll save it in the questions vault.

so, new resolution: talk to mom first, then maybe riel if the time allows for it. call the therapist. schedule an appointment, talk about it maybe once or twice. and get straight to the point too, so I don’t waste any time. no matter what happens, overall I’ve decided to cut out all romantics out of this group dynamic. I’ve decided on it and I’m going to stick by it. I’ll be less flirtatious or however I come off as if required but when it comes down to it I am cutting it out of my life.

things will alsways change. things will pass and things will come into being and no matter what I’ll always learn from it. I’ve been cut off before, this time I might have to learn to do the same. who knows. at least there will be some sort of closure. none of us have any obligation to each other and I want them to be selfish too. I want kiba and riel for the both of them to take care of themselves. I want to take care of myself. I want to lear. I want to grow. I want to be ok

and I will be. I’ll be fine. everything’s going to be okay in the end. I’ve still got my love for the world and I’m not going to lose it.

I hope everything’s going to be ok? everything’s gonna be ok!! it’ll be fine. snzzzz.