#and like. u urself just said i’m indifferent | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

angelplummie · 3 years

Note

Can you do bully tendon or atsumu ???? Pls I love your work🥺🥺

SECRETS

BULLY MIYA ATSUMU X F!READER

masterlist

Warnings: bullying, verbal abuse, manipulation, negging i suppose???, angst, anger issues (once more), reference to suicide, depression, unrequited love, i want to say mommy issues, there’s no solid proof, but i just know they’re there

Atsumu was nice to you, or that’s what he told you.

He didn’t make you embarrass yourself, or give him sexual favours, or even lend him money. You should be thankful he’s so kind on you, there are much worse guys out there that would abuse the leverage he has over you, trust him, he would know.

But just because there are worse guys doesn’t stop the constant stream of texts you get from him everyday after school, sometimes in the morning if he’s up early enough.

u looked rlly gross today

maybe u should get plastic surgery, maybe then boys will want to fuck u

u should hear how they talk about u in the locker room, it’s hilarious

I should record some for u next time

also do u hear how loud you pant when you run LMAO

how do u even show up to gym without wanting to killing urself?

why don’t u ever respond?? Maybe if u grew a personality I’d lay off a bit

ur lucky I even pay attention to u, ur so boring and useless and ugly, I don’t know why I bother

u better not b thinking abt blocking this number, and u better not snitch. I’ve been nice and haven’t laid a finger on a greasy little hair of urs, but don’t push ur luck

The first couple times it happened, you couldn’t come out of your hysterics, absolutely balling, listening to ping after ping after ping.

Nowadays you hardly even read them, and you aren’t sure why he keeps doing it. He should know he’s effectively destroyed your body image by now, you don’t leave the fucking house and when you do it’s in baggy t-shirts and sweats. You don’t know what he’s after, maybe he thinks he’s sustaining it now, he’s pushed it down but he’s gotta keep it low, as if the human ego is that resilient.

Whatever it is, he keeps doing it.

And you can sense his annoyance at your indifference, he wants you to really soak in every word he says, to feel it hit you as hard as the first times, have you scrabbling at your keyboard to type ‘pls stop, why r u doing this?’

U kno what, I’m not entirely sure ur reading these.

I think what I’ll do is give u a little test tomorrow after school, u won’t mind coming to practice will u?

You roll your eyes and throw your phone on your bed. He can’t ‘test you’ over the phone?

Your phone lights up again.

Don’t fucking leave me on read when I ask u a question, will u be there after school? I’m not asking again.

You sigh and pick it back up, shooting him a quick Yes, Atsumu, and putting your phone on do not disturb. You could check in the morning if he said anything of note that he’d want to test you on, but for now, you just wanted to sleep.

Ugh, this is such a pain. I don’t wanna go to the volleyball practice. He will definitely be there, I don’t want him to see me. I don’t want anyone on the volleyball team to see me. Whatever. It’s not like I can not go, Atsumu will just do something worse. I’ll just get it over with.

The next morning, you woke in a cold sweat. It was that same fucking dream. You were in the right on the shore of a stormy ocean, but every time you tried climbing out you ended up getting dragged back in further to the grey ocean. It always ended with a tentacle wrapping around your leg and yanking you deeper, and then you’d be up.

Better check your phone, he might ask you something about it and you can’t imagine anything good coming from if you failed his impromptu quiz.

Oh, that’s weird. He only sent 1 message.

You open it, pushing hair out of your face and trying to wake yourself up a bit more.

Your heart plummets as you read the text, you can hear his stupid smug voice saying it too.

btw, if u somehow manage to mess this up, then i might slip up and tell someone something u really don’t want him to know

That fucking bastard.

That evil fucking bastard.

You wanted to scream. You can’t believe you were stupid enough to tell him at the end of second year that you still had an enormous, absolutely devastating crush on his fucking twin brother.

He wasn’t like the other boys in your year. He was gentler, he wasn’t so loud or so scary. When you spoke to him, he would actually listen.

You, him and Atsumu were actually somewhat of a trio all through first and second year, you remember the hours you spent at practice with them, watching them bicker, being the completely biased judge to settle all their disputes, cheering at their games, hiding in their closet when their mother grounded them from seeing their friends. You don’t know what happened, but you didn’t see Tsumu all summer, then when he came back he was a whole different person.

After summer, Atsumu wasn’t the only one to change. Osamu wondered why you hardly hung out anymore, why the only time he saw you was in lesson (where you thankfully sat near each other), and when he did see you, why you looked so drained, so... miserable. He didn’t push though, he didn’t want to overwhelm you, but he had to admit he was worried.

You never planned to tell Osamu how you felt, how could you? You knew you weren’t anything like what boys your age wanted. Atsumu hardly let you forget.

Did he really want you dead? Did he want you gone? Because he was acting like it. You can’t imagine what drugs he could’ve take over the summer, but he wasn’t the same kid.

You didn’t know why he hated you so much all of a sudden, but surely there’s nothing you could’ve done that would make him despise you this much. It was like he was possessed, it was bizarre.

Well, guess you have to pass his stupid fucking test, whatever the fuck that is. What does that even fucking mean anyway? Pretentious prick, thinks he’s some kind of fucking Jigsaw-type game master bitch just because he made you hate yourself or something? Egotistical asshole..

Angrily, you started preparing for the school day. This would be a long one.

Just as you had predicted, this day seems never ending. The nerves are eating you up inside, making you jittery the whole day, especially when talking to Osamu. He seemed particularly concerned today, which made your heart flutter because he was so perceptive, he should be particularly concerned today.

Finally, horribly, the end of the day rolled around. You inches your way to the gym, dragging your feet across the dirt.

Dread weighed heavy like a lump of iron in your stomach, and your hands shook when you knocked on the open door of the gym to get Atsumu’s attention. He swivelled around and smirked, beckoning you to him. You walked slowly, politely, towards him, and he revelled in the way he stood tall above you.

“Hello, Y/N.”

“Hello,” you murmured, eager to get this over with.

He asked his coach for just a few spare minutes with you, to which the coach agreed to. He gave him a warm smile and pulled you to the benches by the side.

You could see Osamu hitting spikes from the corner of your eye, you tried not to focus on him.

“Alright, before we start, lose that dead look in your eyes. You’re not a fucking corpse, stop acting like it.”

It felt surreal to talk to him in real life again, his abuse had been purely technological for so long, it felt like it wasn’t the same person. But it was. It was the Tsumu that you had shared your first kiss with at a middle school sleepover that hated you so much it made his gut churn. It was the same Tsumu that comforted you when your cat died that told you to kill yourself at least once a day. It was your previous best friend in the whole world that wanted you to suffer more than anyone ever has.

You blinked at him, and he probably decided it was a lost cause, because he carried on speaking.

“First question, how did you look yesterday?”

You took a deep breath.

“‘Really gross’”

He snorted.

“Very good. Second question, if you want boys to fuck you, what should you do?”

You stared at the ground.

“‘Get plastic surgery’”

“See, is it so hard to pay attention? You’re doing very well!”

You feel tears prick your eyes and your fists clench. You shouldn’t be crying right now. Aren’t you used to it? It shouldn’t be any different in person, but still...

“Third question, what do you do when you run?”

...

Oh no.

“I said-“

You can’t remember.

“-what do you do-“

His voice is getting louder, your gaze is fixed on his feet, trying not to panic.

What did he say about running? Why can’t you remember? You read those messages ten times over this morning to make sure, how could you forget?

“-when you run?!”

Every noise in the gym was quiet as Atsumu’s voice boomed round the hall, the only audible thing was the rebound of a forgotten volleyball hitting the ground.

“I-I can’t remember...” you whispered, desperate for the attention to be drawn away from you.

“Tsumu? Y/N? What’s going on?”

Oh god, please, anyone but him.

“Y-y-you forgot?” Atsumu mocked in a hushed tone as Osamu walked over, visibly confused.

“I thought you understood the rules, Y/N.”

“Please Atsumu, please don’t do this,” you begged breathlessly, hopelessly, pointlessly.

“Y/N, what’s going on? Are you guys fighting?” Osamus warm eyes flickered over to you, and you opened your mouth to answer before the bane of your existence spoke again.

“Y/N wants to tell you something but she’s very shy.”

“Atsumu-“

“You know maybe I should tell you for her, I wonder if she’ll be able to get the words out.”

You felt sick, you hardly even heard your own voice as you pleaded out Atsumu’s name.

Osamu stared in utter confusion as his brother turned towards him and put on his fake-kindness voice, all the while you tugged on his jersey from behind him, begging him to stop.

“Y/N actually-“

“Atsumu.” he interrupted his brother seriously. He didn’t have the slightest idea what was going on, but he knew you weren’t ok at the moment, and he knew you were distressed from your weak voice and that look on your face.

“She doesn’t want you to tell me, leave it.”

Osamu saw a flash of irritation on Atsumu’s face, making him frown.

“I think you’ll want to hear this though.”

This couldn’t be happening. You feel a bit lightheaded, a little ill. The horror of the scene unfurling in front of you had stunned you into silence.

“She has a massive crush on you, Samu! Isn’t that funny?”

You hadn’t realised how silent the gym was until Atsumu stopped talking.

Everyone’s eyes were on you.

Perfect. Just heavenly.

Before anyone could say another word, you turned to the door and walked away, footsteps reverberating around the court.

Shame and anger glazed over your eyes as you disjointedly walked past the school building, clutching your bag straps for dear life.

What the fuck was his problem?

Why did he hate you so much?

What had you ever done to deserve this?

You hated him. You fucking hated him.

As you left the school gates under the light of the setting sun, you felt a big hand on your shoulder.

Oh, I wonder who it could be, you thought dryly

Sure enough, it was evil in a fucking high schooler.

“I said you didn’t understand the rules, not that the game was over,” he drawled.

You were so over this, so fucking mad. In a way, you were set free by the fact your secret was out. You didn’t have to put up with his bullshit anymore.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” you spat, shoving him away.

He looked down at you, disgruntled.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” you were now openly crying, but you were so furious you couldn’t care, “I never did anything to you, I thought we were best fucking friends.”

He furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth to retaliate, probably with something arrogant but you bit back fast, temper getting the better over you.

“You can’t act like you fucking own me anymore Miya Atsumu. You don’t have shit on me anymore, so leave me the fuck alone. I don’t have to put up with you anymore, fucking wanker.”

You were losing all control of what you were saying, months and months of anger and sadness and bitterness spilled out, it was hard to stop.

“Are you happy now? Are you happy now that you’ve ruined my fucking life? Did it make you feel good? Did it make you feel big to be mean to a woman? Did you get off on that?”

“Shut-“

“You-you know what, I would’ve preferred if you made me fuck you or give you money, or whatever the fuck freaks like you want. You really are a fucking sicko, Atsumu.” you were slurring your words, choking on them through your sobs. You were sure you looked hideous, all snot and wet tears and resentment.

“You learned you could blackmail me so you, what, verbally assault me? Is that the best you could come up with? You must be the lamest excuse for a blackmailer I’ve-“

He clapped a hand over you’re mouth all of a sudden and shushed you. You hadn’t been looking in his eyes while you were ranting, but he was furious. You had never seen him this mad.

“Keep it the fuck down, noisy bitch, you want the whole team finding out?”

You bit down hard, and Atsumu hissed in pain, letting go of your face.

“I said don’t fucking touch me.”

You swivelled on your heel and stormed away as he watched you, seething and nursing his hand.

you collapse on your bed, tears threatening to drown you.

Being angry was nice, but short lived.

Now all you were left with was misery and shame and embarrassment.

Oh god, what did Osamu think of you now? Did he hate you? You hope he understood at least a little why you stopped hanging around him. You didn’t think you had the heart to tell him everything else that happened, as much as you’d like to see Atsumu get it.

Your phone chimes in your discarded bag, and you sigh, eyes puffy and tired from crying at you reach in to get it.

Oh! it’s Osamu!

you open it without thinking, immediately regret it, then proceed to read his message anyway.

Hey. ik u might not want to talk to me rn, but i just want you to know that i know what ur thinking, and i do still want to be friends. i’m sorry i can’t like u that way, and i’m sure u were never gonna tell me, but i think it’s good that i know now, cuz now u can stop ignoring me right? we can go back to like it was before yeah?

i miss u

also i’m gonna beat up atsumu, hope that makes u feel better

As you read the messages, you begin crying again, but happy tears. You didn’t realise how much you missed him until now, it felt like your first breath of fresh air in ages.

Maybe things would be alright.

For you, maybe.

Atsumu was losing his shit.

He was walking home after Osamu told their mum to leave him, coach told him to work on endurance. The cold night air was only heightening his anxiety, as he thought about how he had brashly throw away the grip he had on you.

He had lost you, and he had no one to blame but himself.

Of course, that didn’t stop him trying to blame you for ignoring him and pissing him off. He hated when you ignored him. And you seemed to do it so much, there’s only so much a man can take.

Truth is, if anyone had a massive crush, it was Atsumu. When you told him summer before 3rd year that you liked his brother better than him, that you only liked his brother, and liked him a lot, he couldn’t describe the agony of putting all the pieces together and realising you wanted Osamu, not him.

He couldn’t bear to look at you, your face made him so angry he thought he would throw up. So when you came back after the summer, looking more radiant than ever, he knew he had to do something, had to squash this glow, had to make you feel as horrible and disgusting and unwanted as he did.

It wasn’t like he would do it forever, he had a plan, just a little longer, and he would start being kind to you. He would show you that no one else would ever love you, like he did, and he knew you would believe him. You would be together, and everyone could be happy.

But his temper was hot and untameable when he was provoked, and your nonchalance was driving him insane.

He had ruined everything, but his feelings of hatred and love remained.

And he would take everything down with it.

WOO this was a wild one, thanks for sticking around till the end, hope u enjoyed! reblogs appreciated, bye love u bye 💞💞

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berrykook · 4 years

Text

bloom (demon!y!hs) (nsfw)

do not read if you are not into yandere fic! hs is a demon jackass pls save urself!

in which hoseok finds you in his garden and his love begins to bloom

contents: demon!yandere!hoseok, kidnapping, manipulation, oral (f receiving), sex!!! i gotta spoil it they fuck! and hoseok kinda says some...sub stuff idk :/

word count: 5.2k

a/n: thanks for the requests ! <3 i got off track from building this universe and i ended up sorta negating the law that demons and angels can’t interact buttttttt reader still kinda has a moral dilemma ? >.<

IMPORTANT before they start fuckin, reader has a moment of confusion and suspects that hoseok has intentionally magically warped her mind into consenting but that’s not the case reader is just dumb! thank u also i don’t know much about flowers or hell so i’m sorry if any info is incorrect :( lmk and i will fix immediately (and let’s pretend hoseok’s dog is a girl bc i didn’t know that until googling it for this fic)

and mb that this is coming a month after i said it would :( school is beating my ass hard anyways pls enjoy

*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ

Hoseok once had a mother a mere three-thousand or so years ago and she named him well. His name fell off her tongue in a major key and rang across acres and through caverns. She never failed to say his name in gargantuan font to be heard across nations; the syllables “Ho-seok” had chimed through shadowy deserts of Hell, Heaven, and Earth for as long as he lived. Hoseok was always big and known - a beacon of diabolic energy; it was his birthright.

His mother was long gone, but remained in a photograph which he always kept on his person (demon?). It was supposed that even immortals had to walk forward into new lives after some time. His father had been around for around one hundred years after, and his sister had moved on when he was barely a thousand. The only companion of Hoseok’s, the only one left, was a shih tzu who followed him even when he treated her with indifference. Hoseok had great power and an abundance of Earth men who sold him their souls, but the loneliness which plagued him was indescribable.

“News for you, my Lord. Taehyung has declared he is but one sure meeting from stealing the Park soul for work to complete in the Circle of Fraud. He has said to be back in less than a fortnight.”

The assistant, doe-eyed and snake-tongued, stared at the wall behind Hoseok as he recited the news from one of hell’s most talented demons, who was currently on a sabbatical to inspect the soul of an Earth man with an itch to be with a woman he saw on the train a year prior. Taehyung had come bustling into Hoseok’s quarters one day, spewing gibberish about the perfect human to become his next target. Hoseok’s chest twinged a bit when Taehyung explained that this Park Jimin schmoe had been stalking this woman for months and was willing to practically sell his soul to be with her (enter Taehyung). “How wonderful,” he said wistfully, yearning for a perfect confidante like this Jimin character had found. At Hoseok’s glassy expression, Taehyung had to withhold a shiver.

Hoseok took a long moment to respond. He stared at his assistant, wondering if he, too, yearned for such a dream, or if perhaps he had even already found his match made in hell. The assistant’s nose twitched like a rabbit.

“Thank you, Jungkook. You may go,” Hoseok said apathetically. He robotically spun on his heels and exited Hoseok’s office with heavy footsteps. Hoseok stretched in his chair, debating if he should charm the assistant’s feet to grow dead and swollen and moldy to teach him not to walk so damn loud all the time.

The shih tzu yapped happily around Hoseok’s feet as he slowly rose from his desk to stare out the window to his left, which displayed miles and miles of lush greenery and delicate flowers of all colors. He conjured the garden around when his sister passed on. She, too, had an infatuation for infatuation and longed for a faraway place to water a romance. Once, they peeked into their father’s seeing portal as children and stumbled upon two lovers in a field of flowers.

(Hoseok did not possess his own soul, but if he did, it would be prickly and tar-like and scary. He was on the cusp of royalty in the underworld. He was evil.)

Still, Hoseok clutched the memory of those lovers in the flowers with tight fists. How magnificent it was to just be in the shadows of lovers. Oh, how the feeling crawled over him like a crowd of tarantulas. He was evil, and was sure he would never experience such a joy. At least he had his garden.

Hoseok felt your presence before his foot even touched the grass that day. He froze in the doorway for a moment, closing his eyes to sense where the intruder was. Within seconds, he discovered your exact location within the field that went on forever. He let out a breath as his feet hit the ground, now teleported a thousand miles from his home. He opened his eyes and choked for a second. His senses were going haywire - the grass was a million shades greener and the flowers seemed to bloom bigger before him. It was beautiful.

As soon as you became completely engulfed in the sickly red hot aura, you went ramrod straight and dropped the bundle of flowers in your hands. It filled every one of your pores and poured down your intestines like lava. You did not even get the chance to gasp - after the instant it came, it burned too much to inhale or exhale. You stared forward straight into the field, wondering how this spirit did not wilt all of the garden. You didn’t dare look in the direction it was coming from.

“What are you doing here?” Hoseok spoke finally after a long moment of thick silence. The typical malice in his tone had completely vanished. He was sure now - he loved you. “Angel...are you lost?” He thought about kneeling to get on your level, but hesitated, awkward in his actions. What was he supposed to do with his hands?

Slowly, you trailed your eyes over to where those awful vibrations were originating from. Your stomach twisted when you saw him simply standing five meters away. You became filled with an indescribable dread. A demon, horns and all, staring at you and speaking with tenderness. You began to blubber immediately.

“I’m so, so sorry, I-I was just looking for a f-f-flower I heard you had, oh, dear God, I’m so sorry!” You were inconsolable, dropping your head towards your knees in surrender. Just feeling him that great distance away put you in shambles. You were young and naïve, but you knew what happened to Heaven’s Souls that were caught sneaking in the Circles. Your cries only worsened when his aura became stronger and more painful with every footstep. You suddenly felt an overwhelming warmth on your back and your cries immediately halted like magic.

“Don’t cry anymore.” His voice seemed to boom even when he was trying his hardest to keep it soft. “Nothing is going to happen to you. Speak freely...tell me how you arrived here.” His hand trailed up your back to rest on your neck. He wanted nothing more than for you to relax against him.

“I-I was...searching for a flower. I had heard about a secret garden in the Fraudulent Circle...one with every flower to have existed. I-I’m so sorry. Please, have mercy!” You began sobbing again into your hands, holding them close to your face when you felt his gentle touch around your wrists. “I only died just last year…I don’t want to vanish, please!”

Your wails struck a tune in Hoseok’s ribcage like a kalimba. He grabbed your fearful face in his hands and wiped your tears with his thumb. You held your breath in shock at how gentle he was.

“Not a single soul has trespassed my garden and escaped vanishing.” Your bottom lip wobbled at that, and he ran a thumb along it to still it. “But you...sweet angel...I couldn’t dare do that to you.”

Your mind raced, knowing how clever demons could be and especially such a powerful one like him. He was devastatingly handsome - if you were still on Earth, you would have melted right into his hands.

His smile is twisted. “Lover...do you know who I am?” He stared down at you in admiration, rising a bit on his knees to hover over your face.

Slowly and fearfully, you shook your head. He pressed a ghost of a kiss on your lips as he turned to your ear and whispered softly, “Ho-seok.”

The hairs on the back of your neck stood straighter and your whole body erupted with goosebumps. You stared at him with wide eyes.

Hoseok. A name you knew of well, even when you were human. Hearing him whisper that name into your ear like that made your knees shake a second more rapidly. It felt as though the blue skies above had darkened into a hellish black hole. He chuckled at your terrified expression, smoothing your hair back with a burly hand.

“Are you scared?” He couldn’t help himself from asking. Your glassy eyes made him both sad and also weak-kneed. He decided in that moment that he especially loved to tease you.

You nodded again and Hoseok cooed, playfully squishing your cheeks a bit.

“You’re such a young one, aren’t you? Just a baby,” he mumbled, running his hands along your cheekbones, through your hair, across your forehead. Chills continuously crawled up your spine as he fawned over you like some sort of doll. You understood where you were going before you began your trip, but you truly felt it now - this was Hell.

“There is no reason to fear me. I couldn’t hold any malice toward a soul so beautiful...even better that you are an angel. I can easily arrange a place for you in my fortress if you so please.” Something in his tone warned you that it didn’t matter what you pleased. You gave a small nod, letting him take your hand in his. He held it to his face, inhaling deeply and pressing wet kisses along your forearm. “Really? You don’t mind sharing a space with a big, bad demon like me?” He chuckled darkly against your palm and you bit your lip nervously.

“No,” you murmured quietly. He was tricking you. You could feel it in your bones.

He smiled widely, also seeing completely through you. He knew then that he would need to put in some work to turn you over. He placed a hand on your back once more and leaned to bring his forehead to yours, and in less than a second, you had found yourself teleported to a cozy study with velvet carpets. Your stomach turned with anxiety at the thought of your friends and family not knowing where you had disappeared off to - you weren’t even sure if you were still in a Circle of Hell or some other evil place. Hoseok stood up slowly and brought you by the hand to behind his desk, perching you on his lap.

“Tell me, angel, where are you from?” He conjured a brush out of thin air and ran it through your hair like he would a doll. You clenched your fists in an attempt to get your voice under control.

“I was told that I was the last of my family to die. They’re all up in Heaven, waiting for me.” Hoseok began to brush your hair slower. “B-But, it’s...fine, I guess,” you added quickly. The last thing you wanted was for Hoseok to grow suspicious of you. “I just...wanted to find a type of camellia. I love flowers,” you whispered. The feeling of his breath on your neck made you embarrassed. He laughed.

“Camellia? You should have just said so,” he beamed. Suddenly, his arm wrapped around your front to reveal the red blossom you had pain-stakingly sifted through the fields for. A soft gasp escaped you as Hoseok placed the flower in your hands, then wrapping his hands around your wrists. He seemed to like having that hold on you.

“Oh, it’s beautiful! It’s just how I pictured it,” you whispered in awe. You turned in his lap to face him, doing your best to ham up the performance to give yourself the best chance of survival. “Thank you, Hoseok.” You hoped that his doe-eyed expression so close to your face would not make your own expression drain of color.

“You’re welcome, darling...I can call you that, can’t I?” He leaned in closer to your face and you squeezed the stem in your hand to force yourself not to move back.

“O-oh...I suppose so, sure…” you said coyly. Hoseok’s smile grew wider and he slowly leaned in more, further and further, until his lips were pressing a kiss to your cheek. Your hope for escaping was decreasing exponentially as he continued to fawn over you and kiss your face.

“Darling, tell me more,” he mumbled against you. “Talk to me about this afterlife in Heaven of yours. I want to know everything.”

You were sure that he was able to find out anything he wanted with just a lick of his magic, but you indulged him anyway. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s heaven, isn’t it? It’s...wonderful, actually. I missed my family for so long on Earth that it’s an indescribable feeling of being reunited once again.”

You did not lie - Hoseok would likely pick up on that before you could even pull the words from your throat, so you did your best to make your reality sound like something you held onto dearly. In truth, it was Heaven - nothing more, nothing less. Your entire family, along with every Godly person you had ever known was there to keep you company as you filled your days with...whatever it was you wanted to do. Heaven held your wildest dreams.

Going spelunking to the Eighth Circle of Hell was the most interesting thing you had done since you died, but you knew that staying was out of the question, right?

The needle of your moral compass twitched slightly.

“I...I miss them,” you mumbled sadly, playing with your fingers like a child. Hoseok remained silent and your heart picked up a beat as you couldn’t yet tell if he was seeing through you. He turned his head away from you, biting his lip.

“I see, angel...you would like to go home, wouldn’t you?” He looked to you again, reaching to cradle your face. You felt a profound force pulling you to lean in closer. Something about him felt right, and you were beginning to feel disgusted with yourself for it. His thumbs stroked underneath your eyes as he looked at you sadly. Your heart stirred unwillingly.

“I suppose I should...shouldn’t I?” You had to refrain from smacking yourself as the words tumbled out of your mouth like an avalanche. Ever since you were a young human girl, you had been warned of a demon named Hoseok and his tricks. You slept with a night-light for several years from the gruesome stories of him that lingered around your shoulders for long nights. You feared him, but a prickling feeling in your sternum somehow drew you closer. He pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“Sweet angels like you belong in Heaven. You have your afterlife and I have mine,” he sighed wistfully. You leaned forward to rest your forehead against his.

There was no explanation for this unsolicited adoration blossoming in your chest. You were never one to fall in love easily, but it felt like the walls were going to close in on you if you didn’t give in. Yes, you were fully suspicious now that Hoseok had done something to your mind to make it melt in such a way, but it felt so good that you didn’t attempt to fight it. Hoseok grinned widely, itching to use his magic but ultimately restraining himself.

You were correct from that first moment he appeared behind you - you were completely and utterly hopeless.

“Besides, who would want to stay with such an ugly, evil demon like Hoseok?” He scoffed, looking away from you pitifully. You gasped and dropped the flower so you could tenderly hold his face in your hands.

“Don’t say that!” He grinned sheepishly under your gaze. “I just...I was just saying...um,” you stumbled over your words, trying to remember why exactly you had to leave him here. Your family was waiting for you in Heaven, but they suddenly seemed so miniscule compared to Hoseok. You were torn between completely rejecting him and his demonic nature, and attempting to understand that nature and understand the soul he is. His aura had changed totally since you first felt it - you now could only feel the love he had for you. It was absurd.

“You don’t remember, baby?” Hoseok laughs and your blush deepens. “I thought you were so eager to get back home...can’t you make up your mind?” Hoseok continued to tease you, which made you feel as if you were up in flames. Your mind raced, unsure of what was happening. Hoseok was now kissing the pads of your fingers. He moved so slowly, but you felt as if time was advancing more quickly by the minute.

“My head is...foggy. I don’t know what I want,” you mumbled, grabbing his hand to place on the back of your neck. He smiles widely.

“I think you know exactly what you want.” Hoseok took one of your hands to place on his chest. You immediately started rubbing it, up and down in slow strokes. “Such a good little angel...you always have been, haven’t you? Married a good man, lived honestly as a florist...you’ve been so good…” Hoseok held your face by your chin and slipped a thumb into your mouth to run along your lower set of teeth. “Why don’t you let yourself run free for a night? Be a little bad?”

He slipped his thumb further into your mouth and you leaned forward so it would reach toward the back of your throat. Hoseok moaned at the feeling, smirking evilly. “Darling...don’t you want this?”

You closed your eyes and hollowed your cheeks, letting the pad of your tongue be pet by his thumb. He released it from your mouth with a wet pop.

The burning in your sternum spread like wildfire through you, and you knew then that you had to let yourself smolder. You had already thrown caution to the wind when you decided going to a flower field in Hell was more fun than being around the people you had already spent a mortal eternity with. Something about his aura had your head reeling and your core dripping.

Fuck it. You were already caught in Hell.

“Yes, Hoseok. I want this.”

Hoseok leaned in to place a tender kiss under your jawline and when you opened your eyes, you found yourself teleported into a King-sized bed with a thick red velvet comforter. Hoseok hovered over you, still suckling on your neck. Like a virgin, you fiddled with your hands for a moment before hesitantly placing them on his shoulders.

Hoseok chuckled lowly, pulling away to look at you and push your hair behind your ears. “You’re nervous. Don’t worry,” he murmured. He placed a kiss below your right ear and sent a quaking shiver through your spine. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Hoseok grabbed both of your hands by the wrist and held them slightly above your head against the fluffed pillows. Whatever sex dungeon he had teleported you to was perfect - the cool feeling of the velvet against your skin and the aroma of Hoseok’s devilish aura made your knees shake. Hoseok noticed this and ran his hands up and down your thighs slowly, lovingly. “You’re shivering,” he laughed. You turned your flushed face away from him. He continued to laugh at you softly before turning your face back towards him with his pointer finger. “I already told you once. If you wish to leave after this, I’ll send you back to your place in Heaven without hesitation...there’s no reason to be scared because I will do anything you ask.” He kisses you deeply on the lips. “That is how I feel for you, just after this short time together.”

His attention on you felt thick like molasses. He made you feel as though you were the center of the universe. This was wrong, and you felt it deep within you. Knowing this, you reached up to capture his lips once again and palm his cock through the dark silk of his pants.

Hoseok moaned happily and continued to kiss you again and again for what felt like forever. His tongue lapped over every crevice of your mouth at a painful pace before finally moving his hand to slowly thumb your clit. His movements were agonizingly slow - you assumed he wanted to preserve this moment before he sent you on your way home.

You let out a deep sigh into his mouth as he slowly, but harshly, stroked your clit and fingered the opening of your pussy and just a touch from your ass. He smiled over you as he watched and took in every facial expression and inhaled each breath of yours.

“Does it feel good? Please, please, tell me,” he moaned. You stared up at him in disbelief - he seemed on the edge of orgasming just from seeing you in pleasure. You had barely done anything but stroke his cock through his pants. “I need to hear you tell me it’s good.”

You smiled smally, reaching up to grab at his chin. “Yes, yes. You’re doing so good, Hoseok.” You fought back a giggle as he practically rolled his eyes back into his head at your minimal praise.

“Angel...please, let me eat you out...I promise I’ll do good, please just give me the chance…” He began rutting his hips against one of your thighs and you laughed out loud. At the sound of your laughter, he whined pitifully.

“Are you sure you’re from Hell?” You laughed as he buried his face into your stomach, embarrassed. “Just get started so you can fuck me already.”

Things quickly took a turn for the stranger as Hoseok buried his face into your pussy and made completely lewd sounds of pleasure from this. He seemed to be enjoying this more than you and it made you feel both embarrassed and hot. The feeling of control made your lips tilt up in a sick smile as his grip on your thighs tightened with each moment.

“Y-You’re doing so well,” you mumbled after several minutes of Hoseok eating you out while trying not to cum in his pants. “S-so, fuck, good.” It was an odd game that Hoseok was playing, but you followed along gleefully. At your praise, he moaned loudly into your pussy and sent a shiver of pleasure up your spine. “C-come here,” you instructed, reaching to pull his head up towards yours. He let out a pant as he dragged himself up towards you, knuckles holding himself on the bed shakily. “Will you fuck me?”

Hoseok bowed his head to place a kiss on your sternum. “Anything for you,” he whispered, almost hissing like a snake. He guided your hand to stroke his cock for a bit, all while he loudly expressed and moaned for you. Heat continued to rise in your cheeks - Hoseok was scandalous.

“S-sweetheart, fuck, we have to start before I come all over your thighs.” You both laughed and he gripped your neck possessively, pressing a sweet kiss to the corner of your mouth.

The pressure of just the first stroke had you rolling your head against the satin pillows. Hoseok seemed to be handling it in a worse way, as it looked as though he could already be finished in just a quick moment. You gripped his neck and pulled him closer before whispering to him, “How do I make you feel?”

Hoseok growled for a moment, before whimpering and burying his face into your neck. “Y-you’re a princess...fuck, fuck, I fucking can’t...a queen,” he moaned.

You threw your head back again as he picked up the speed of a jackhammer. He dove into you so deeply with such vigor and passion that you had no doubts he wasn’t mortal. Nobody but him could drill into you like this.

Hoseok reached down to get a grip on one of your thighs to perch on his shoulder. You moaned unashamedly and it made his pace jolt for a moment.

He continued fucking you relentlessly, occassionally turning his head to nip at your thigh. You turned your head to bring your gaze to the mirror in the corner of the room, proudly displaying Hoseok’s muscled back and his cock slipping in and out of you. You let out a breathy laugh and Hoseok began fucking you with everything in him.

“You like seeing yourself getting fucked? You look radiant,” he growled, pounding into you so hard you were bumped by the headboard. At a loss for words, you nodded, once again reaching up to hold his neck tenderly. He smirked down at you. “Ready?”

You let out another laugh, nodding eagerly. He smiled softly, too softly for a demon, and placed on hand on your pussy and one on your breast, all while keeping his inhuman pace fucking you. Just the touch of his hand on your clit had you in tears, but his skill in rubbing it tenderly had you screaming out. At the first sight of your tears, Hoseok came inside you almost immediately. The sounds filling the room were lewd, and the feeling of his cum filling your pussy and getting all over your thighs and ass held the same sentiment. Ever so slowly, he stopped pumping and delicately brought your leg to rest on the stained velvet. He kissed your lips slowly and lovingly for several minutes before wrapping you in his arms and just holding you close.

“You are perfect,” he spoke softly after the long silence. You drowsily looked up at him for a second before looking away shyly. “Tell me what makes you happy, and I will give it to you.” Another slow kiss to your lips. “Anything you’d like.”

You kissed back with hesitance, now eager to make your way back home after being held and kissed by him for nearly an hour of cuddling.

“I’m happy with the camellia.” You smiled and pressed a kiss to his jawline before rising slowly, looking around the room for a door.

Hoseok chuckled darkly, rising as well and holding your waist to bring you onto his lap. You protested, flushing deeply when he still planted your bare pussy onto his legs and let his remaining cum from inside you flow out back onto him.

“That’s not what I meant, darling.” He brushed a piece of your hair behind your ear and admired you closely. You looked away, twiddling your thumbs. “What is it that you would like in our living quarters? Would you like the flower shop from your mortal life, or perhaps the home you raised your children in? I could conjure another garden at the drop of a hat, sweetheart...anything you would like.”

His stare on you intensified as he spoke. Your heart rate picked up once he said “living quarters,” and you begged it to slow so he wouldn’t notice.

“O-oh,” you stuttered after a long moment. He kept running his fingers through your hair and it sent chills down your naked spine. “I’ve got everything I need at home...don’t you think it’s time I get going?”

You looked at him coyly, hoping he would keep his promise of sending you home afterwards. He laughed breathily and kept a large hand cradling the back of your head.

“You didn’t think I would actually let you go, baby?” Hoseok laughed out loud, throwing his head back. He pressed an urgent kiss to your lips. You did not return it. “You’re mine, even if you didn’t have my cum dripping down your legs. You were mine the second you set foot in my garden.”

You looked to him carefully and let out a nervous chuckle. The temperature in the room began to rise, though you stayed still on his lap. Hoseok’s smile deepened.

“I have to go home,” you whispered after another long silence. At this point, you were dripping sweat while Hoseok remained unbothered. “You said you would take me home.”

Somewhere inside of you had clearly known all along that making a deal with Hoseok had no way of ending well. You knew he would torture you and eat your heart for breakfast because Hoseok was a demon and that’s what demons did, and especially ones of his calibre - yet, you stayed. You knew he would end you, and you stayed.

“Darling...you’re so sweet.” He leaned in to whisper into your ear, “and stupid.”

In the blink of an eye, Hoseok had transported you to the desk chair in his office. He had dressed himself in a fine suit and yourself in a ruffled dress so white it hurt your eyes. You noticed now that his office was also decorated in that heavy red velvet. It made your stomach churn.

“If you really would like to go home, the door to my garden is here. I told you already.” He rested his hand on the doorknob and looked to you with heavy eyes. “I love you.”

You held back a scoff, knowing that he wasn’t asking, but demanding you to go past the door. For some reason, his last confession of love was more bone-chilling than the others. He opened the door for you and towered over you as you cautiously took the first step onto the soft bed of grass below.

A feeling not unlike what you felt when you first encountered Hoseok’s aura ran up your leg and struck your entire body. Immediately, you rebounded back into Hoseok’s office and dropped to your knees as the burning made you feel as though your flesh was dripping off the bone. You cried out as you repeatedly ran your hands up and down your arms and legs, reassuring yourself that they were still there. Hoseok let out a booming laugh.

He bent to sit cross-legged on the floor with you.

“It’s not real, baby. You’re just imagining it. See?” Hoseok grabbed your wrists gently and placed your hands on his face. “Look at me. You’re safe,” he chuckled. You still had to take a moment to catch your breath.

“I have to go home,” you sighed, exasperated. Hoseok smiled again, grabbing hold of your wrist again to caress it tenderly.

“Listen carefully, darling.” He pressed a soft kiss to your forearm. “I don’t want to have to say this again. You’re mine. I own you.” He intertwined your fingers. “I could rip your heart out in a second. I could feed you to my dog. Feed you to the assistant.” He ran a hand through your hair and lovingly held your trembling chin.

“I could make you vanish with the snap of my fingers...now, or later if you want to act up.” You looked down in shame and he immediately grabbed your face again to bring it to his. “Take one step outside that door and I’ll have you up in flames. I could have your head on a fucking stick, baby.” Suddenly, he cooed, wiping a tear from your eye. “You are home. You were meant to get caught in my field. I was meant to meet you, and love you. I love you. Sweetheart?”

His hand that was holding yours suddenly contracted, squeezing your bones with a sick snap and pop. Through your cries, you sobbed out, “I love you too.”

He smiled sickeningly, planting another kiss on your forehead. “Remind me your favorite flowers. We can keep them in the bedroom.”

#yandere hoseok #yandere!hoseok #yandere bts #yandere!bts

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kokokichichi · 3 years

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Hi, I've been lurking on Tumblr for the past few months and I've noticed that some stans act really fucking weird about ccs. Like some stans refuse to acknowledge the cc's negative sides while looking at them through rose tinted glasses. They'll even call some questionable behaviour "hot"! On the other hand some people's "criticism" of a cc is that ...they don't like them?!?? Some fans happily shit on other ccs while trying to lovepost about "their" ccs. Some of them project their own feelings on a particular cc. Some people are literally genuinely truthing ccs!!! And idk, this kind of behaviour really creeps me out lol. What do you think about this?

Sorry if this comes off as rude. I've noticed that you are never afraid to post the hot takes other blogs are too scared to post so you're the one I'm asking 😅

well for starters i want to say that i’m not an exception to this behavior. i probably tend to overlook george’s flaws because i like him while being critical of others because i’m indifferent towards them. i can admit that i’m biased - but for the most part i can say you’ll never see me saying george is something he’s not.

my opinion on people posting stuff is that you can post whatever you want. but don’t pussy out when you get backlash. don’t start victimizing urself like the community came after you for no reason. talk shit get hit, you know? if you bring down another cc for no good reason and the stans of that cc call u out on it, i see that as fair game.

when it comes to truthing… the dream team said they didn’t care (or at least i think dream did) so whatever. i’ll agree in that i think it can be…. really weird (i’ve seen analysis over dnf moments that have genuinely made me uncomfortable or laugh out loud due to how far they were reaching) but at this point just unfollow or block those people. don’t need to make a big deal of it - they’re not hurting anyone.

the reason i’m not afraid to post hot takes is because, well, this is like my personal blog for whatever interest i have at the time. i’ve just been using it for george love posting bc i current am into george content. idc about losing followers or anon hate (not that i’ve gotten anon hate) but if you do that’s completely valid - i just don’t care.

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vanillaicebear · 2 years

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i keep switching between feeling guilty and feeling baffled, gaslighted by your blame of me, how i should have known better. it’s because you’ve always been moody and unstable, enduring effects of ur own trauma. u told me that, i knew that. its just how u are. i tolerated it all. yet when i think of how sweet you started and how u must be a good person and care about others there’s no making right how u treated me overall, especially the last time i saw you. when u said ‘it’s not that i used u or anything...’. well actually there you slipped. that’s how i feel. used and betrayed.

i thought we were good when u let me come over despite ur headace. i was just gonna drop something, then u took me in with an indifferent face. YOU made me stay. how can you then suddenly blame me two months later for me being dominant when i just wanted to see u and drop a little gift i got you weeks ago??? i was gonna leave but YOU took me in !! i cared for ur headace. i even after an hour said i could go if u wanted me to. u just laughed. i thought all was well and suddenly months later i’m the bad guy?? its crazy typing this. u just use me and tell urself i threw myself onto u and ur such a good person for letting me in because u know i like to be with u. how disgusting? is this ur way of telling me u dont feel like seeing me anymore?

i apologized for being egoistic when it was u all along. how are u a good person when all i have been is kind to u and u just treat me like this.

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deadlylampshades · 7 years

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11 questions tag!!

(+11 because i got tagged again and wanted to do the questions as well tbh)

under the cut because it is long rip

Rules:

Post the rules

Answer the questions given to you by who tagged you

Write 11 questions of your own (lmaoooo sure i’ll try)

Tag 11 people

this is from @dreamingwishes the absolute angel <3333

1) what was the first k-pop song you listened to?

That is quite an interesting question and I’m not even sure??? My brother was SUPER into jpop so I listened to a lot of that when I was younger but in terms of kpop I think f(x)’s red light??

2) the first group that you stan and the latest group you are in love with?

i suppose f(x) but the first group I really fell in love with was exo and the latest group I love is definitely bap

3) what’s your go-to song to cheer you up?

tbh i don’t listen to happy songs to cheer me up i listen to sad songs and my Depressive song of choice is fucking..... Mirotic..... like the original TVXQ version..... idk man it’s like my mind was like “i’m gonna ruin a song with sadness LETS MAKE IT MIROTIC”

4) who amongst the idols/artists you wish to have as your best friend and why?

i want to be friends with cha hakyeon so much :((( i also want to have milkshakes with hyuna :((((

hakyeon and me are both water signs and i get along so well with cancers and i feel like we are very relatable we’ll complain that we’re undervalued by our peers and probably compliment each other nonstop

and hyuna is so energetic and fun i love her soo much omg it would be so fun just to hang out <3

5) do you prefer music videos or live performances?

music videos!! i love story and drama based mvs and they’re always so artful and i love concept albums

6) drama ver mv or dance ver mv?

dramaaaaaa

7) given the chance, what kind of mv would you direct for your ult group?

listen I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: neon + gay. that’s my vision for the future and that’s my concept for every group ever.

8) is there a k-drama (or any drama) you’ve watched that you want your life to be?

GOBLIN PLS I WANT A SNARKY GRIM REAPER BFF

9) sum up your dream vacation

omg i dont even know i’d really like to go to a place with a lot of museums and theater and be able to sleep late and go to the beach a lot

10) who amongst your bias will you trust your life with? e.g if you’re in a zombie apocalypse

Ken because he’s so caring and sweet and also is super buff rn so he’ll protect me from the zombies <3

11) Apart from k-pop what other genre do you listen to most?

fdfjslahfsfd there are ppl following me who dont know that for most of my life i’ve been a hardcore metalhead (and still am) (i specifically love power and prog and symphonic metal the most)

From @bap-af my actual problematic fave the moon (jongup) to my sun

1. fav 2017 comeback so far? (for both girl and boy groups if u want)

for girl groups: my emo goth rock princesses

for boy groups: this is so hard to choose but.......idk man it went RIGHT IN MY SOUL

2. who’s ur favorite soloist?

HYUNAAAA (and i mean i guess hoya now as well idk i don’t want to think about it)

3. pineapple on pizza or nah?

im rly indifferent. it’s nice. a solid 6/10. doesn’t deserve the hate.

4. who are ur biggest bias wreckers?

for bap it’s daehyun you’d swear i don’t even know a moon jongup :////

for nct it’s nakamoto yuta i dont know him but everytime i think about him snakes start manifesting in my house but also butterflies in my stomach im thinking about calling an exterminator

for monsta x it’s hyungwon i swear there was a hot minute when i was gonna make him my icon and become hyungwonwithagun the moment passed but i live in fear man i live in fear :////

5. a group that everyone loves but ur kinda :^/// about?

cough twice let me live cough im just saying gugudan is right there ladies and gentlemen

6. favorite non title track from b.a.p?

omg idk if this counts but it’s definitely jongup’s solo but if i need to pick a group song this ho anthem

7. biggest pet peeve?

don’t fucking put your gum under the table????? were you raised in a fucking barn???? actually literally don’t litter in general?????

8. the most attractive quality someone could have?

i rly like ppl who are passionate it’s such a turn on to see someone genuinely care about something u know

9. ballad or lit song?

look i love a lit song as much as the next person but i feel like lit songs eventually get forgotten but you remember a rly good ballad for a long time u feel?

10. something u really like about urself :^)))

404 error page not found :/

i mean honestly im p funny tbh it’s like one of my 3 (three) good qualities

11. do u love me??? ;^))) wink wonk

unfortunately yes, ur my bias i keep trying to unstan but then you hmu with pics of yuta and i gotta come back :////

if u made it this far ur a trooper and ily and here’s the ppl tagged and the questions!!

@jinandtonics @chencake @trashstax @jellyhyungwon @vitaminmoongie @kilisp @cha-inyeon @eatboo @jaellyhwan @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x aaaaand @hqseokjin

questions!!

1) oh shit dude it’s the apocalypse that’s not good. you + three idols of your choosing team up and try to survive together - who’s coming with you and what’s your team name?

2) what was your favourite hair colour on y idol and what hair colour do you hope they’ll do next? :o

3) what’s your fave kpop lyric the one that you just feel in your soul

4) what’s your fave fantaken pic of a bias of your choosing?

5) on that note, what’s your fave meme of a bias of your choosing?

6) take a random person who isn’t ur bias. would that person conceivably win in a fight against g-dragon. :/

7) what’s your fave comeback on 2017 for girlgroups, boygroups and soloists?

8) do you share a zodiac sign with any of your faves?

9) give a kpop song for the following categories, the first one that comes to mind:

a bop -

a jam -

a banger -

10) what concept do you wish x band would do next?

11) do you love me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

#personal #about me #IM SORRY THIS IS SO LONG IF YOU READ THIS UR AMAZING #also the only acceptable answer to number 10 is neon gay :/#I just want to start a trend :(((#feel free to ignore this but if u do it tag me i wanna seeeeee

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ecstasybread · 7 years

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so i’ve been Absent from this hell site

brief relationship turned sour

b/c this manboy is emotionally stunted and it was emotionally abusive, b/c of his total indifference to my wellbeing, also his horrible politics my god, he’s not vocal about them or anything b/c #masculinity despite ~socially liberal attitudes to sex/uality, gender to some extent, race, etc

like it’s ok i’m anti-zionist b/c he’s ½ lebanese, it’s not ok 2 criticize capitalism when his whole identity is contingent upon what he ~does, but all his jobs have been handed to him by his daddy, and he’s gonna inherit this current company most likely. CRY ME A FUCKIN RIVER about job stress, and keep doling out job search advice. the self-awareness!!1! meritocracy!1! immigrant daddy’s bootstraps!1! the free market only rewards the best and the brightest, not children of company owners without the requisite skills who need to learn on the job, then hire acquaintances to do drudgework b/c you’re above the task you’ve been given even though YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO AT THE COMPANY YET. omg. idc it’s just so ridiculous

he led me on with his politics early on, like late april apologized of his own volition for pulling some BS about music now being valuable to our economy because it doesn’t produce material good… he was probably still trying to impress me, and i wasn’t having any of it, what libertarian nonsense. this basic bitch literally is obsessed with cryptocurrency. talking about MATERIAL GOOD and useless garbage waste of time. he also works for a company that is contracted to make handbag samples for a big designer brand (ugly WASPy clothing and accessories… w/e) so do not talk about value when that ugly overpriced shit is not demanded by ~society, nor do those handbags feed anyone

he’s also subletting from a friend, despite asking to be on a break an hour after i mentioned her idea, and after we’ve broken up, like it’s tactless to do this. find another room/apartment. god knows you throw money at people. he sees every human interaction as transactional. in fact has directly said every human interaction should use venmo. over 2 weeks ago he ended up lording money over me and then blocked me on that app and elsewhere lmfao, i told him via comment “i know you think you’re your earning power at daddy’s company but i did not ask for your money.” that was 2 much truth for him. he also unblocked me recently on venmo… because that’s his life source and he’s a nosy garbage human

for all of june, which was still part of the relationship despite him asking to go on a ‘break’ from/with me (but still pleaded to see me, talk to me, and can i go to your friend’s party…), and most of july when we weren’t together (’i’m not ready to date’ he writes, like yeah, but you were also stringing me along, iced me out, and emotionally abusive in insidious ways… doing and saying careless shit, dropping worrisome one-liners on me over chat and in person, not being able to hold a conversation or form impressions, it’s so draining to be around that, to have to be “on” 100% of the time and worry about this person you came to care about b/c you do when you get to sort of know someone in any context, especially in an ~intimate one, someone who never has a good thing to say about anyone in his life - parents, sibling, exes he’s ‘friends’ with, exes he’s not over, former roommates he’s not on speaking terms with (because he’s habitual about the lording of money over ppl), acquaintances, friends…

his self-worth is derived from earning power/job and whether someone will sleep with him. his identity is based on… complete self-interest. libertarian economics and techie aspiring BS jargon. he didn’t go to school cos he didn’t have to, but also i suspect he has a mental block surrounding academia and won’t confront it, but still criticizes people who study things he doesn’t find ‘useful’ (so everything that isn’t abstract science and… idk, art. he’s no fuckin da vinci)

he doesn’t have anything going for him, or anything to offer tbh. but conventional looks (i guess 2 some) and he’s all surface level. and narcissistic

he doesn’t have many friends of his own, makes sense because he pushes people away with his behavior, believes that constitutes self-imposed isolation… yet tries to hang out with the friends of people he’s not on speaking terms with - former roommates, an ex (as it turns out my friend who kept their relationship on the DL, calls him ‘toxic’ -wish she had talked to me or something). it’s again, tactless, and weird loner shit. he tries to get sublets (if he has money why not just live alone? because he doesn’t want to live alone, yet is an emotional vampire and manipulative), other shit from people, purely transactional. his few HS chums have moved on and have literally moved away for college/work, etc. even him friend requesting/following my friends he briefly met is pretty weird to me tbh. he leaves no impression on people. just quiet

dumb and cute is ok but dumb and cruel? dumb, cruel, and Fiscally Conservative in the least? only ambition in life being ‘affluence’ - direct quote? someone who thinks they’re unprincipled and have shit values? n o p e. i mean good riddance. if i wasn’t open with my convictions this would’ve lasted longer. and his BS about needing a ‘break,’ we’d come back with new perspectives~* because he’s in relationships ‘for the long haul’ sounded like a threat then. and warnings/threats about ‘now i have to focus on my work/passions’ (gimme a break what other obligations do u have in life, when do u not focus on urself, an excuse to not pay attention to the person you're dating/a copout instead of breaking up tbh) are just lol

since it was my first whatever you’d call it, i guess i tried to ‘stick it out’ and i guess i also understand the perspective of someone being mistreated and emotionally abused cos you sort of hold out hope for decency and a return to the beginning, ~courting stage or w/e… oh wells. i’m doing better not knowing what he’s up to or being reminded what he looks like, should’ve unfriended/unfollowed first but i though that would be immature of me. welp should not have cared. we could never have been friends, and this wasn’t a serious relationship to begin with but i didn’t even get basic emotional respect reciprocated. i do not deserve that

ok this is more typing than i thought i’d do. i’ve been typing at my friends (hello some of you thanks for putting up with me)

and my intake interview at a mental health clinic was in the beginning of june, coordinator said it would take 4-6 weeks to find me a fit, it’s been 2 months i called a few days ago, they called back and said they’d call me by friday. but man i could’ve used a therapist these past few months lol. oh well i’m tryin

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