#and lonely and really a lot of negative things which takes toll on my mental health meaning that's were the one person comes from. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-lady-writes-what · 4 years

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21. Hizashi Yamada and Shouta Aizawa

Theme: Fox spirits/gods

Kinks: Threesome, double penetration, biting, marking, praise kink, oral (receiving), breeding kink (if you squint), polyamory/polyandry

Sorry this is a little late. My brain was like, I know I said I was going to make these short one-shots but how about we make them bigger?

(The gif has nothing to do with the story, obvi)

Masterlist

You climbed up the many steps leading to the shrine. This was your last resort. The humiliation induced by your vicious ex-boyfriend still left gashes in your heart. Your curse was that you fall in love too quickly and are blind to all faults until it's too late. Your most recent misadventure in love had been so cunning, so cruel that you wasted three years of your life with a man who was, in the words of your best friends, a massive cunt. Manipulative, emotionally abusive, but the cherry on top was the rumor he spread about you having an S.T.D. you'd gotten while cheating on him. Mind you, he was the one with the sexually transmitted disease. You were spared because you hadn't slept with him in recent months. The sting was a deadly blow to your self-confidence and trust in men.

After months of battling depression and anxiety, your aunt suggested a remote village trip and visit this exact shrine. Upon arrival, you were acutely aware of all the women either paired off or visibly pregnant. You noticed this at arrival. It was small at first—a lot of couples paired off, two by two like swans. Then, when you approached the marketplace and asked for directions, you noticed how the shopkeeper was pregnant, along with her sister and sister-in-law. There weren't many single men or single women as far as you could tell. Even a male couple looked happy.

You wanted to burn this town to ashes.

It was insulting, really. You came all this way just to have happiness and love shoved in your face while you, the miserable wretch, were forced to pine. You tried not to scowl as happy couples passed you by. Keeping your eyes focused ahead of you was all you could do to avoid knocking the smiles off their faces. Now, here you were, mounting the steps to a shrine shrouded by pines and red maples. Leaves rustled on the steps, which drew your attention. Fallen leaves littered the stairs and the shrine's sacred grounds, but that seemed awfully unauspicious. Was there no groundskeeper, no shrine maiden, no priest to clear them away? As you reached half-way up the hill, you noticed the smell in the air. Not a bad smell, but it was pervasive all around. The scent invaded your senses. It smelled a lot like jasmine and patchouli. You didn't think much of it and thought it was just someone burning incense at the shrine.

Two masculine figures lounged in the garden. One looked indifferent while the other moped. The latter was blonde; it matched the protruding fox ears on his head and the fluffy, swishing tail patting his thigh. He rested his head on the lap of the former, who appeared much like him except his hair, ears, and tail were black as ink. This one wore an indifferent expression. He looked out into the garden as he made a mental list of all the things he had to do around the shrine. Weeds had encroached where they weren't wanted during the summer and now choked the garden. Fall arrived early this year and made the trees shed their leaves too soon. The steps, as well as the grounds and roof, were covered in maple leaves. The inside needed moping, shining, dusting, and replacing oil lamps. There was still the matter of the hole in the sanctuary's ceiling that needed mending. But was there any human around to do it? No. The last priest died over fifty years ago. Shouta, the black fox, and Hizashi, the blonde fox, had been left alone to answer the whims of pilgrims.

It was almost thankless work. Ensuring happy marriages, love matches, and fertility was hard work when one was forced to clean their own shrine. As long as they were tied to this spot, Hizashi and Shouta had no other choice. The only thing more embarrassing than a shrine-god having to clean up his own shrine was a homeless one.

"I'm starting to miss the old man," said Hizashi. "He was so much fun to drink with. At least he had a sense of humor. Unlike the other fuddy-duddies, they tried to send us."

A few months after the last priest's death, his congregation tried to settle another to take his place. The successor was stern and took his job too seriously for Hizashi's liking. 'He's too dull,' Hizashi used to complain. Shouta wasn't much of a fan either, but it was more due to Hizashi's constant sighs and complaints that drove him to chase the priest away. Shouta ensured that no other settled down for too long. As far as the pair was concerned, the priest who died fifty years ago was their last worthy priest.

"It's so boring and lonely up here. There's no one to play with," Hizashi complained.

Shouta rolled his eyes. Hizashi was in one of his moods again. Boredom took a toll more on him than his 'co-worker' and sometimes lover. It was easy to get bored of making love for fifty-odd years while still working a thankless job. Only occasionally did some old lady or grateful newlywed came to offer incense and drop a donation. Whenever there was money, even a scrap, either Shouta or Hizashi would venture down the hill to mingle with the humans for a little bit. Men or women often flirted with them, but they couldn't decide on a partner they could both enjoy. Instead, everyone was declined.

"Maybe we could call up Nemuri and see what she's up to?" Hizashi suggested.

Shouta gave a flat answer. "No."

Hizashi pouted and went back to his pouting.

"You're no fun," said Hizashi.

"I know." Shouta petted Hizashi's ears to placate him.

Suddenly, a shudder rippled through both of them. They looked at one another. A smile quickly spread across Hizashi's face.

"We have a visitor!" He jumped up at once and dusted himself off.

"We have visitors all the time," said Shouta, but this was a lie. Visitors became fewer after the summer once pilgrims got their desire.

"But did you feel that, Shouta? A poor, miserable, broken-hearted young woman just crossed the path of our statues, and she's heading this way. Don't you feel it? Oh, the poor dear?"

The shrine-gods knew the hearts of all those who entered. It was their specialty to work in all the matters of the heart and the bedroom. Sniffing out broken hearts was a talent they both shared, but Hizashi was the more sensitive one. A fractured heart held an aura that most humans couldn't detect by sensing it alone. Sometimes it was a trifling matter. This time, however, Hizashi felt far more significant pain. Betrayal called out to him like a widow. He hadn't even seen the woman's face but could smell her despair, hate, and ache from miles away. She needed help.

Shouta felt it too. He pitied the human and wondered what brought her to that state. His curiosity was peaked, which didn't happen very often, if at all. Her presence was a sad one, and it threatened to taint the whole shrine with her negativity. Negativity drew hungry ghosts and pesky imps like moths to a flame. All of that meant more work for him. Aside from wanting to protect what little dignity his shrine had left, it was his duty to help this miserable wretch.

"Can we introduce ourselves, Shouta?" Hizashi's bright green eyes twinkled with mischief, hope, and something else Shouta could not easily define.

Shouta weighed the pros and cons in his head. By the time he came to a decision, he could hear the woman walking into the courtyard. Her voice was carried on the autumn wind. She was curious too, likely wondering why a shrine was seemingly left abandoned and in disarray. It would be rude to let her go forlorn after a trek up the hill.

You passed under the second torii gates and a second pair of fox statues. There were no lion-dogs as you saw in most other shrines, but this one had a strong love for foxes apparently. You looked at the water in the pavilion used for ceremonial purification. You cringed at the slightly brackish water and used very little to purify your hands. As soon as you got to the nearest restroom, you were going to scrub your hands raw. Walking down the narrow path leading to the inner sanctuary, you kept noticing very odd things. The shrine was in massive disrepair with cracks, debris, and brackish water. It wasn't a complete eyesore, but something did not feel right. There was not a soul you could find; loneliness pervaded every inch of the place. You pulled your jacket tighter around yourself as you walked on. You found the spot where wishers and pilgrims wrote their prayers on wooden plaques to hang them up. While there were plenty of rustling in the wind, they weren't very many. You scrawled your desire for a loving partner, happiness, and to forget the man who wounded you so deeply.

You hung the plaque alongside the three dozen blowing in the wind. You went further ahead to pay your respect at the small public shrines built on the side of the shrine's complex. There were only two buildings. One foot across, seven feet long, and six feet tall, they were impressively big for small shrines. These were the only buildings uncovered by leaves and pines branches. You marveled briefly at their pristine appearance. In your bag, you brought along the incense your aunt prescribed. You retrieved two sticks of carnation incense and dipped the stick end in the bowl of sand. You lit the incense, clapped your hands twice, and said a prayer. You did this twice at both shrines.

You turned your back to face going all the way down the hill again when you spotted something at the corner of your eye. At first, it seemed like your mind was playing tricks on you. Out of the corner, you thought you saw a ball of glowing blue light flicker in the window of the main shrine. The main shrine was off to limits to everyone but the priests and shrine maidens. This was where the kami, the god, was housed and worshipped by the clergy. You turned to see if what you saw had really been there. Another flash of blue flickered in the window and then another. You swallowed hard, but curiosity pinched at you. You wanted to know. With a quick glance around, you wandered over to the main shrine.

You cut over the grass and walked into the oratory. There were no voices or footsteps other than your own. You called out to anyone who would be listening, yet no one answer was given. Your voice carried down the halls. However, just because no one answered, it didn't exclude the idea altogether that no one listened. The hair on the back of your neck stood on end as you drew closer to what you assumed was the forbidden connecting hall that led into the inner sanctuary, which was supposed to be off-limits to the public. As far as you could tell, no one was around to stop you or tell you no.

You took a deep breath and crossed the threshold. Your heart pounded inside your chest. The halls were so dark you had to grope around just to find a wall. You tried to turn around and head out only to get yourself more lost. It was as if you were stuck in a maze. Every direction looked the same, and turning around seemed to make matters worse.

In desperation, you called out, "Hello?"

Still no answer. You trekked further in the hopes of running into someone, anyone, and get them to show you the way out. You hoped that they had a flashlight on hand. You would barely make out your hand in front of your face if you held it up.

Another flash of blue had you whirling on your face. You whipped your head in that direction. Shivers ran down your spine as you felt a pair of eyes bore a hole into the back of your head. It didn't feel like something glaring at you, but the sensation frightened you nevertheless. You took off in the direction of the blue flash. Yet another appeared up ahead, further along than the previous. You started running after it. More appeared, and each grew more distinct in shape and color than the last. You managed to get close enough to hear the hiss and flicker of its fire. You stared at a ball of blue flames with its tongue licking the air. It disappeared into nothingness and reappear off in a different direction.

You found it hovering in front of a set of shoji doors. It disappeared once more. Lights flickered behind the rice paper. You pried your fingers against the seams and pushed the door open. Lamps lined the walls. They burned with pale blue and white flames behind their screens. You approached with caution and gripped your bag straps tight.

Wooden floors creaked beneath your feet. You mentally cursed yourself for dragging your shoes inside the holy place, but the longer you glanced around the room, the more it seemed that this was not an ordinary shrine. The room had a lower portion accessible by three steps, and a red mat covered much of the space. A shrine rested on the floor on the other side. In each of the four corners was a vase that held carnation flowers. Somehow, all the flowers were in perfect condition and thrived in the forgotten space. You stepped carefully towards the shrine when you felt something behind you.

You looked over your shoulder. Not something, but someone and just a someone but someones. It wasn't the fact that you finally met another person at the shrine or that they were men that gave you alarm. It was the ears sticking out on top of their heads, the tails swishing back and forth behind them, and the regal manner in which they bore themselves. The one in a black yukata folded his arms across his chest and looked quite serious, probably because you were trespassing. The other man wore a red yukata, but he appeared far more friendly than his companion. He smiled broadly at you as if you hadn't just broken one of the most sacred, unspoken rules about behavior at a shrine. You swallowed hard and bowed from the waist.

"I am so sorry for intruding, sirs. I-I didn't mean to intrude…I got lost and couldn't find my way out. I'll leave immediately if you just show me the way. I promise I'll never come back and disturb another shrine so long as I live!"

"Easy there, little sparrow. No need to get riled up," said the friendlier one.

Slowly, you raised yourself up. You looked at them again, still bewildered by their ears and tail. They were either the strangest priests you were likely to ever come across, or they were—

"What business do you have here?" Asked the more somber fellow.

"I-I" You choked on your words. "I had a boyfriend who did rotten things to me. I was hoping to, to, um, to…" Your voice trailed off.

You were too distracted by the fox ears on their heads. They looked too real to be fake, but how was that possible?

The blonde one snapped his fingers.

"My eyes are down here, love," he chuckled.

Your cheeks darkened with embarrassment. "Please, if you could just tell me how to get out of here, I'll leave you alone."

Your first instinct would be to bolt for the door. When you glanced behind them, the doors had been shut when you remember having left them open. Were these demons standing in front of you? Is that why the shrine seemed so empty?

"Leaving so soon? But you haven't even heard our proposal yet?" Said the blonde.

Your brows furrowed. "P-Proposal?"

The black-haired fox-eared man slipped something out of his yukata sleeve. It was your wood plaque you left hanging outside. His ebony eyes gleaned over your wish and read it aloud.

"I don't know who will answer this, but I want to find true love, a life partner who will never stick a knife in me and twist. A man, or frankly anyone who will love and care for me. Please bring me happiness and make me forget about the man who abused me for three years. Is this your wish, Y/N?"

Your face drained of color. "How do you know my name?"

"We have our methods. I'm Hizashi. The dour one is Shouta. It's lovely to meet you."

"W-what are you?" You ventured to ask.

"We're the shrine gods. It's been lonely up here for a while now. The priests haven't been to our liking for the last fifty years, so we're forced to take care of the place ourselves, which is rather insulting if you think about it," said Hizashi.

"And…what are you the gods of?"

"Love, fertility, happy marriages, love-matches, all that fun stuff," answered Hizashi.

"Are you the reason why every other woman I met in town is pregnant?"

Hizashi answered, "Of course. We've been blessing this region with successful pregnancies for centuries. There hasn't been but a handful of miscarriages in all these years thanks to us."

"We're not the cause of the pregnancies if that's what that face is for, Y/N. We just ensure that the infant comes to term and reduce sterility in men and women," said Shouta, who had apparently been studying your face very closely.

Your blush darkened.

"Otherwise, this town would be full of half-fox spirits roaming around, wouldn't it?" Hizashi laughed.

"Okay…" You thought for a moment about what you were going to say next. This was all too surreal, but this was better than feeling miserable. "But what do you want from me?"

Hizashi and Shouta exchanged looks. A soft smile crept upon Shouta's face.

"We'll grant you your wish. On a few conditions," Shouta began. "As you can tell, our shrine is in dire need of—what do you humans call it nowadays? T.L.C.?"

"Tender love and care?" You said.

"Yes. That. Our shrine has been in disrepair for some time, but as much as the villagers enjoy making offerings, they aren't too keen on cleaning it. As you can imagine, it's rather embarrassing cleaning up your own shrine," Shouta continued.

"So, what you're saying is that you'll get me a decent boyfriend if I clean your house?"

"We can do better than, little sparrow," said Hizashi.

You felt his eyes wander your body. You couldn't help but shiver. Out of fear or anticipation, you couldn't tell at this point. You might have been hallucinating for all you knew.

"How would you like to be the wife of a god?" Hizashi laughed again. "Or two?"

"W-Wife? I just wanted a boyfriend who loved me. I don't remember asking for polyandry. Besides, why would you tie yourselves to someone human and mortal."

"We can cross that bridge when we come to it," said Hizashi.

"What do you say? Help us repair the shrine, and you'll have something better than a boyfriend. It sounds like a good deal, doesn't it?" Asked Shouta.

"Yeah," you said incredulously. "A little too good to be true. What's the catch?"

"You would have to live here and 'maintain' the shrine's cleanliness and reputation. We could get someone to teach you to perform the kagura dance. Learn a few things that would make you useful around the shrine and to the villagers. A shrine maiden, for all intents and purposes."

That did even things out. You weren't tied to your apartment, especially since it still had the ghosts of your past boyfriends lingering in there. You didn't go to college, and you hated your job. Becoming basically a shrine maiden and marry a pair of fox-gods seemed like a step-up from your hum-drum life.

"Hypothetically, if I agreed to all that, how would we go about making it official? Are we to have a big wedding? Does Ōkuninushi* have to be involved? Is there supposed to be a ceremony we have to follow?" The questions tumbled out of your mouth one by one in your unusual state of mind.

"So many questions. To answer all of them in one go, here it is. All you have to do is enjoy yourself," said Hizashi.

Before you could ask what he meant, Hizashi closed the gap between you. His mouth was suddenly on yours, and his hands settled on your backpack's straps. Your load was unburdened by your shoulders. Hizashi's hands ran through your hair, holding your head hostage. You heard Shouta's footsteps come along beside you. He worked your shoes off your feet and your socks as well. When he arose, Shouta's hands found your waist. He snatched your head away from Hizashi to kiss you himself. From there on out, it was a frenzy of hands, mouths, and tongues teasing you.

The first thing to go was clothes. Hizashi and Shouta worked together to get rid of the annoying layers that kept them from feeling up more of your skin. Your autumn outfit suited the chilly weather outside but was ill-fitted for their current needs. Their hands peeled off each layer of clothing until you wore nothing but your bra and panties. Somewhere between removing each item of clothing, one of them summoned an extra-large tatami mat out of thin air. You landed softly on the sleeping mat, cradled between them. Their kimonos were disposed of in the same manner as your modern clothes, with one exception. They were both utterly naked underneath their yukatas. Your blush spread down to the top of your chest at the mere sight of their hardening members.

"You look so pretty blushing like that, Y/N," said Hizashi.

He took his place between your legs. Hizashi playfully snapped the hem of your panties. He seemed to enjoy your small yelp as the elastic snapped against your skin. Shouta sat on his knees and pulled your back flush against his chest. He unclipped your bra and tossed it aside. Hizashi pulled at your underwear until the fabric tore. You opened your mouth in protest, but all the words stopped in your throat to make room for the moan. Shouta palmed your breasts and tweaked your nipples into stiff peaks. Your ruined panties were forgotten as soon as Hizashi settled one of your legs over his shoulder, and he ran his long tongue along your slit.

"It's been a while since we've laid with a woman. You'll have to forgive us if we're a bit rusty," said Hizashi.

Hizashi ran his tongue along your slit again and hummed at your taste. His tongue dove between your folds and pinched your clit. Meanwhile, Shouta kept at his administrations to your chest and kissing your shoulders. You arched your back when you felt the tiniest pinprick of sharp teeth graze your skin. Shouta smirked at you and gave you a nice look at the fangs he had. Hizashi had the same situation going on. You could feel his teeth carefully caress your sensitive bits.

"Do you like my teeth, Y/N?" Asked Shouta.

You bit your lower lip and nodded.

"Then you're really going to like this." Shouta lowered his head to the spot where your neck met your shoulders.

He bit down, but not hard enough to draw blood. His hands continued to tease you while his mouth and teeth left dozens of love bites all over your neck. Hizashi pulled his head up from between your legs. He watched for a moment how your face twisted in ecstasy as Shouta marked your lovely skin. It didn't take long for the idea to get in his head that he should do the same. Hizashi brought his teeth against your inner thigh and nipped. He repeated the process over and over until both of your legs bore his teeth marks and hickies. You squirmed for them. Heat traveled in two directions, to your head and your lower belly. Hizashi resumed his task of fucking you with his tongue and added two fingers to help him in this endeavor. Soft squelches from you gushing over him was enough to make you never want to leave.

"You're so pliable, and your breasts are breathtaking," Shouta sighed next to your skin. "Are you about to cum, Y/N?"

You bucked your hips to the rhythm of Hizashi eating you out. Slowly, you nodded. Your fingers clutched Hizashi's head, mindful of his ears.

"Then," Shouta whispered the next part in your ear. "Cum."

Hizashi worked faster, pumping and licking your cunt. You grabbed for Shouta as pleasure ripped down your spine. Hizashi and Shouta shoved you face-first down the precipice. Your walls clenched tight around Hizashi's fingers and tongue while your jaws hung open. No one else could make you moan as loud as you did. And likely, nobody else ever will.

When Hizashi came up for air, his mouth and chin were drenched your essence. He leaned up, but instead of kissing you, he planted his lips on Shouta's. In turn, Shouta licked Hizashi's mouth to get a taste of you for himself while he was at. Shouta reached down and played with your clit while making-out with Hizashi briefly. You felt their members stand proudly against your body, and your inner walls clenched at the thought of one or both filling you to the brim.

Shouta and Hizashi kissed one more time. Hizashi peeled you off of Shouta just long enough for the latter to stretch out on his back. You were turned around. Shouta gestured with a 'come-hither' crook of his finger, and you crawled towards him. His hands grabbed your hips, made you straddle him, and pressed the blunt head of his cock against your slippery, wet cunt.

"Are you ready?" He asked. It was child's play holding you up like that with his cock more than ready to impale you.

You nodded your head. Shouta slowly, carefully pulled you down on his cock. It stretched you open again. You sank down on him until you were fully seated. You tried not to let your eyes roll into the back of your head. Shouta then grabbed your shoulders and pulled you down. Hizashi was right behind you, fisting his cock. He wasn't as big, but he was just as long. Hizashi placed his other hand on the small of your back. You felt his cock probe the area where Shouta was already preoccupied. Something clicked in your head. Shouta grabbed and clutched your hands. Beads of sweat ran down the side of your face while Hizashi brushed his cuck against your cunt.

"Look at me," said Shouta. "Look at me. You're going to be fine. We'll make you feel so good."

"So very good," Hizashi cooed.

You tightened your grip on Shouta's hands. You stared at his face as Hizashi pushed forward, stuffing you close to the point of damage. You were well-lubed up to take both of them, but in practice, this was your first time having two men fill you at the same time. Inch by careful inch, Hizashi pushed into your cunt. When he was fully seated, he let out a long sigh.

"I can feel both of you against, and it feels so good." Hizashi shuddered.

"Can you move?" Shouta asked Hizashi.

"Give me a minute."

You were given a few minutes reprieve, and in that time, you felt your lower belly swell. You felt them stretch you to impossible measures. Though tears stained your cheeks, you never felt more pleasure. The mixture of both pleasure and pain blurred the lines. It wasn't long before you were being pushed and pulled in either direction, their cocks fucking you deep.

Wet skin slapped against skin. The men you were sandwiched between grunted and moaned your praises at your ability to take them both so deep. There weren't any words you could say with any cohesion. Words became meaningless when being fucked into oblivion. Hizashi and Shouta worked in tandem. When one pulled out, the other plowed right in. Both cocks kissed your cervix as they drove themselves, and each other, wildly into your cunt. You felt fluids rush between your legs that mingled with your sweat. You squeezed Shouta's hands and buried your face in his chest.

Higher, higher, and higher still, you were flying. You bit Shouta's chest as their cocks thrust in and out. Your brain turned into mush at this point. All you cared about was getting fucked on their cocks forever. Little else mattered beyond that.

"I'm close," said Shouta.

"M-Me too," said Hizashi.

"Then let's finish it."

Without another word, they started to drive faster than before, and you thought it was impossible. Shouta returned your bruising grip and rammed upwards to meet Hizashi's downward thrust. They both moved quickly and headed towards coming undone inside you. You felt it too. Your walls spasmed and fluttered around both their cocks, though the stretch made it hard to tell. They shifted into an erratic pace rather than a smooth move. Their cocks drove harder into your cunt. Animalistic grunts filled the room as both Shouta and Hizashi slammed home. You screamed your climax just at the same time they did. You kept screaming while ropes of cum warmed your belly. You were moaning into Shouta's chest as you felt buckets of their seed filled your womb. There was nothing for you to wonder about why they were the gods of fertility and pregnancy.

Hizashi pulled all the out first. He massaged your shoulders while Shouta lifted your hips off him. Hizashi's long fingers dabbed some of the cum dripping down your thighs and pushed it back inside your weeping pussy.

"You gotta keep it in, ya, little sparrow. You want to be a good wife to your husbands, don't you?" Hizashi cooed.

*Ōkuninushi- mentioned in both the Kojiki and Nihon Shoki as the god of nation-building, agriculture, business, medicine, love, marriage, and fortune

#kinktober #kinktober week #my hero academia fanfiction #kinktober my hero academia edition #reader fic #hizashi yamada #present mic #presentation michael #present mic x reader #shouta aizawa #aizawa #eraserhead #eraserhead x reader #erasermic #erasermic x reader #poly #I'm also sorry it's ridiculously long

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wh6res · 3 years

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“𝑰’𝑴 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑳𝑰𝑮𝑯𝑻, 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑶𝑵𝑳𝒀 𝑺𝑨𝑽𝑰𝑶𝑼𝑹.”

part of the 21 ways to kill your lover collab hosted by the lovely miss solange @du0tine

pairing. entity! xdj & f! reader | word count. 5.4k

synopsis. he wasn’t a god, he wasn’t a devil, and fuck, he’s surely not an angel, but he will be your saviour and your light ‘till kingdome come.

warnings. tread with caution. yandere/possesive themes, religious themes, violence, mentions of gore, swearing, mentions of ptsd, mentions of physical abuse, a lot of character deaths, manipulation, stalking, and implications of suicide

disclaimer. i do not condone whatever tf i wrote in this nor does it reflect my beliefs or values or morals and such. it is all pure fiction and i also dont think xiaojun from wayv would act like this in real life.

a soul’s vulnerability gives him strength. he has scourged far and wide and has yet to encounter a soul as interesting as yours. he never thought a heart filled with hatred and a fragile mentality can be such a sweet combination. xiaojun would be stupid not to latch his greedy talons onto you.

he hides in the darkest corners of your room at night, unseen and unheard, just watching over you like a predator to his poor unsuspecting gazelle before diving into the anticipated chase.

he moves in with you into the cheap apartment you got for yourself here in the big city—which he thinks is an awful move because of how lonely it’ll be. but hey, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that you got chased out of your own home by your stepdad, your very own biological mom too scared to say a peep of defense to your name.

your downfalls became xiaojun’s highlights.

he would’ve felt sorry for you after finding out about that abusive old man. ugh, he scowls. your stepdad makes the entity’s blood boil and he doesn’t even have blood to begin with. the same man who holds the bible in his left hand when he preaches sermons for the people, is the same hand he uses to hit you across the face.

the same hand he uses to pull at your hair. the same hand he uses to punch your gut. the same hand he uses to shove your mom down when she tries interfering.

xiaojun may hate men of god but above all, he absolutely detests the kind your old man is—a faker, who thinks he can get away with the shit mess he’s making. xiaojun would never take that preacher’s murky soul even if he offered it to the entity voluntarily. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. xiaojun should’ve killed him. xiaojun should’ve slit his throat. xiaojun should’ve torn his eyes out—

ah, ah, ah.

he can’t afford to make you any less vulnerable than you already are, now, can he? after all, he can be anything you want but he’s no angel.

so he watched from the sidelines.

watched you cry. watched you bleed. watched your scars form. watched the hate and resentment you have for your own family fester in your heart until it grew to a size you can’t hide within yourself anymore.

and then you left home.

xiaojun has to admit, for a second, maybe leaving home will make your soul unworthy, will break the mold he’s already had of you and will completely spoil his well-thought out plans.

so really, he can only scoff when he watches you walk around the apartment wearing that pretty dress on a sunday morning, darting around with calculated steps to shove everything inside your bag to go to church. the dress hangs nicely against your skin but he’d rather you stay and wear nothing.

maybe you’d finally find contentment and happiness in this place, in this city, on your own. soaring high without a cage, without someone to hold you back—these things fill his thoughts like a plague until you come barging back into the door 30 minutes later.

he’s been watching you long enough to know church service wouldn’t end for another 30 minutes or so. xiaojun’s eyebrows quirk up. why would his fragile little gazelle come back oh so early? but his question is immediately answered when he detects your shaky breaths and the unshed tears in your glistening eyes

you’re suffering the post-traumatic effects your shit stepdad has caused. seeing another preacher must’ve been a trigger, he thinks, eyeing you with a look on his face. xiaojun felt a little stupid. of course, swimming to the surface will be tough with all that trauma anchoring you down.

it’ll be tough, indeed… so why not sink you even deeper?

it didn’t take much energy for him to start manipulating your dreams. every nap, every deep sleep, he’d replay all the horrible things your stepdad has done to you and he realizes how dreams depicted from his perspective took a larger toll on you versus the ones from your own point of view—witnessing for yourself how weak and helpless you had been seemed to chip away bigger parts of you, he notices. your terrified screams when waking up in cold sweat getting louder and louder with every passing nightmare.

he pushed, and pushed, and pushed until you were standing right at the edge of sanity. until you start questioning your own self-worth and judgment, the invisible chains of the trauma too strong to break. until your radiant skin looked deathly, with gaunt cheeks and white lips. until you developed a fear of sleeping because no, you don’t want to witness those horrors again. no. no. no. no, please don’t hit me—

xiaojun can’t help but admire his handiwork but no, he doesn’t have time for that!

the next time you fell asleep you had been desperately holding onto your 5th bottle of gatorade like it was a torch breaking through the darkness. you’ve intake so much of the energy drink that your body has grown used to it. you would’ve switched to caffeine, but from how much you drank it prior to the energy drinks, your blood is practically coffee at this point.

“you’re living in my house now, young lady! i’d like to see some respect from your or i’ll fucking beat it into you!”

“stop! please. hit me instead, hit me!”

“this is all your fault, bitch! how can you raise one daughter wrong? no wonder your husband left you!”

murky and black, you can’t even see the bottom at this point. it keeps pulling you down, and down, and down, until you couldn’t breathe. until your head feels light. until your heart beats erratically within your ribcage as you fought to the surface.

with all the negative emotions surging through you in thunderous waves, it’s a wonder how no other lonesome, starving entity has latched onto you like xiaojun. although realistically, he was here first, as if he’ll let any other being like him go near you.

it took a greater amount of energy to twist and manipulate the plotline of certain events in a dream. if xiaojun hadn’t grown strong from all your negativity, he’d never be able to do it.

he can never forget the day he first appeared to you in a dream. to have you cling onto him as you willingly took his hand—not that he was caught by surprise, anyway. every second of every hour of every day xiaojun spent plotting your demise has led to this fruitful day of “meeting” you for the first time.

“i’m right here,” he said, shaking fingers tracing over your cheeks. a soft caress you have never experienced.

the man in your dreams is someone you’ve never met before—you’re positive that you haven’t because you’d never forget a face as handsome as his. he appears like an angel casted over divine light, with a soft smile that can cure the plague as he offers his hands for you to take. it was beautiful, how your nightmares turned into dreams the moment the mysterious man arrived.

how’d you ever know, that the hand you grabbed is the wolf in sheep’s clothing?

it’s sad really, how you’ve only managed to escape one horror only to jump into the next but xiaojun can’t find it in himself to feel bad. well, maybe a little, it’s a fleeting thought. something that disappeared as quickly as it had passed by.

it was only after a few weeks of constantly appearing in your dreams did his plan start to backfire. the change in your behavior isn’t subtle, either, and it angered him all the more. he didn’t see this coming, not even from lightyears away.

simple to say you’ve grown a little more… how can xiaojun put this into words? well, a little more outgoing. adventurous. meeting new people and going to new places and experiencing new things. he can see everything as clear as day—you were healing from your past, leaving the dark chapters in your life to write newer and brighter ones that revolved on having actual healthy relationships for once.

his seething anger of his failed plans had made all the windows in your apartment burst into thousand little pieces. if you had fine china dishes displayed on your kitchen cabinets he would’ve broken those too. how can you go against him like this? look at you all happy and smiley even as the room turned ice cold because of xiaojun’s suffocating presence. you never even thought once about it—how naive.

tormenting you through dreams isn’t working anymore. xiaojun has to up his game if he wants to break you down and revert you back to that paranoid, sensitive, and frail self that couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t talk to any other human being without feeling the ghost of your abusive step-father’s hands against your skin.

who says he can only control you through mind games alone? after he’s done what needs to be done, grief and self-pity will go hand in hand. a combination so cruel and heavy on your shoulders that xiaojun can already savor the metallic tangy taste of victory.

“no! yeji—!”

xiaojun watches unblinking when he makes one of your new friends walk out the sidewalk and right into an overspeeding car.

tires skidding across the pavement, the breaks not working, glass shattering, bones cracking against the force of the hit—dead, right on the fucking spot.

he’s never heard you scream that loud and he shudders in pleasure as the vibrations of your shrill voice courses through his veins.

he missed this, your complete and utter misery.

but he wasn’t done yet.

“don’t you think it’s a ‘lil chilly in here?” ryujin asks, looking over to your side before drinking the hot chocolate she prepared for both of you.

grieving together with a friend can be good, hence why you’re now in her apartment a month later after yeji’s funeral.

you answer after taking a sip. “no, not really.”

xiaojun grins, giddy and a skip in his step while making his way towards you as he side-eyes your friend, who religiously drank her hot chocolate all the while bundling up next to you so you both can watch the movie together playing on the laptop.

this one, well, he particularly doesn’t like this one.

if your other friend was meant to be a casualty, a death borne from not one smidge of personal vendetta, this one, this ryujin is different. heck, he even remembers her fucking name.

no, no, no. xiaojun can feel his skin crawl as ryujin cuddles intimately closer as she stares at you from her peripheral, feeling out whether you’d react or not as she sneaks an arm around your waist. his anger turns a fever pitch, seeing you with someone else driving him up the wall. you were meant to be his sad and hopeless little gazelle and his alone.

xiaojun hoped the poison travels fast or so help him he’ll fucking rip her off of you—and he would’ve, when he saw you and ryujin slowly leaning into one another, head angled and obviously going in for a kiss. he would’ve, when one of ryujin’s hands come up to cup your face. he would’ve… until the poison reached its destination in her body, right when your lips were about to touch.

ryujin’s lungs seized, breathing becoming an agent to her demise as the oxygen from her lungs disappear into nothingness. the last thing she saw is your horrified face, tears streaming. she swore you were shouting something, probably her name, but it’s overpowered by the incessant ring in her ears.

when her mouth foamed and she laid limp on the couch right next to you, you knew ryujin would never wake again to give you that kiss.

xiaojun steps back to admire the havoc he wreaked. two of your friends dead, that should be enough to incapacitate you—whether it be permanent or not, he just wants to see you drown in misery.

and as he slowly dissipates into the void, there’s a little smile on his face as he stares you down, burning the image of your histeria in his head, the echoes of your woeful cries music to his ears.

you never dared step foot out of your apartment.

groceries were delivered to your door, trash is slowly but surely building up, and the place was a whole mess. the entity haunting you has never seen you this… shattered, even when you left home. it was like your brain has stopped working and your body turned into nothing more but a cusp of who you used to be.

it’s scary looking in the mirror and not recognizing the reflection—so, you painted all of them black. it was an in the heat of a moment kind of thing that took place the moment you came home from the police station, on the exact day she passed away before your eyes.

xiaojun just has to “misplace” a few pints of paint you had used from when you renovated the apartment in the past, putting the cans where you can easily see them and think that the idea belonged to you when in reality, it’s the entity that put the idea in your head.

there was a blanket over your shoulder when you came back from the station. it wasn’t yours, they gave it to you while you sat opposite to a stoic detective in a cold interrogation room, yet you made no move to shrug it off even after arriving at your apartment, fingers clutching the fabric like a lifeline and refusing to believe whatever that had transpired in ryujin’s apartment.

eyes unseeing, stumbling with your steps, back hunched with the curse of the universe weighing down on your back—xiaojun couldn’t’ve been more proud of what he had done.

you were spiraling out of control. a self-destructive cycle you cannot seem to fight your way out of as your nightmares came back to haunt you. the tall waves of anxiety and paranoia drowning and pushing you under the surface.

for once you don’t fight the current, you just let it pull you under.

every time you close your eyes, you can hear the deafening screech of rubber tires against concrete before the car hits yeji. can vividly see the foams of the poison coming out of ryujin’s mouth as if it was caught on tape and is now playing on loop.

your other friends have donned you as bad luck, cursed to have a fucked up life and will fuck up other people’s lives too if they get even as close as an arm length to you. too scared to lose any more people, you decided to completely push everyone away and had completely shut yourself out from the world beyond the four corners of your apartment.

it’s like your trauma from before has come crawling back to you, only now, he brings himself a little friend called guilt.

what are the odds that your two friends died after the other when the person they’ve each last spent time with was you? even the police found it too much a coincidence. if it wasn’t for the cctv cams in the corners of ryujin’s apartment, you’d be facing trial for a murder you didn’t commit.

you eye the usb stuck in one of your laptop’s ports. it’s black, with an srj poisoning case written in red ink on the small patch of masking tape pasted onto the back of the plastic.

after being stuck in an interrogation room for the last two hours, you had sneakily swiped it out of the detective's desk on your way out of the station. you remembered it was the usb with a copy of ryujin’s cctv cams, some underling busting into the interrogation room while in the middle of your questioning, holding the tiny usb between his fingers.

your stomach churned when the detective looked at you spitefully, as if he couldn’t fucking care less of the evidence presented to him in a silver platter and would thoroughly take pleasure in throwing you in jail himself, guilty or not. the last look he shot you still sends shivers down your spine, the sharpness in his gaze as he regarded you. “you killed them. i know you did.”

a week of self-induced isolation later and you start to believe in it yourself.

in the middle of screaming your lungs out and cursing the gods above for your sorry excuse of a life, you had thrown the usb somewhere in the apartment. not that you bothered to look for it right after, you were too busy wallowing in self pity before passing out on the living room floor. when you wake up, you’ve forgotten all about it.

so it was interesting, seeing the usb again after days and days of wallowing in grief. you had fallen off the couch while in the middle of a slumber and you spotted the small piece of tech lying underneath it with the other empty coke cans.

eyeing the laptop on the coffee table, you remember you haven’t taken a look at the evidence yourself—the detective had given you the stink eye when you tried shuffling closer to peep a look. carelessly, you shove all other objects off the table to pull the laptop closer. you plant yourself on the ground cross-legged, not batting an eyelash even when you feel the crumbs of chips against your skin.

you boot the laptop on, thankful you’ve yet to forget its password, and plugged the usb in again. it was simple to navigate, to say the least, the folder popping up in a matter of seconds. you thought it stored a whole collection of her cctv footages but alas, it didn’t, saving you the time and energy scourging through unwanted boring files.

hands shaking, you clicked on the video.

and it was as if you’re thrown back into that event in your life that has now become a distant memory. the hug ryujin gave you when she opened the door, her words of comfort when you opened up about your deteriorating mental health after your friend passed away, and finally, the warm feel of the mug against the palm of your hand.

wait a minute.

you perk up from your seat, groaning aloud when your knee hits the underside of the coffee table at your haste, fingers darting around to press the back 10 seconds button. the sweat starts forming in your forehead and palms, making your hand feel clammy and disgusting but it was the last of your worries.

did you see that correctly?

the quality is a bit low and the camera angle isn’t optimal. you can only see ryujin’s side profile but her glassy eyes are unmistakable and her actions look robotic at best.

this is after she made your hot cocoa and had delivered it to your shivering, sniffling form on the couch, all bundled up snug and cozy in the blanket she provided. you remember ryujin winking as she walked back towards her kitchen after you thanked her.

the way she poured poison in her own mug ruled her case as suicice. the evidence is right there in your face but the unease still sits heavy on your stomach and confusion clouds your brain like cannabis.

this doesn’t make any sense.

you knew her, ryujin. she’s never one to succumb to her negative emotions, always facing her problems with head held high. her overall mindset, in general, made her the last person you’d think would ever commit suicide. you’ve replayed the video a thousand times by now, still unable to wrap your head around the fact that she killed herself.

having the sudden urge for another bottle of gatorade, you pressed the pause button as you try hauling yourself up with your arms.

you pause. pushing your face closer to the laptop screen, rubbing at your eyes incredulously as you eye the corner of her kitchen.

ryujin’s apartment isn’t that luxurious, nor is it too rundown, but there can be little exceptions here and there.

like the cheap LED bulbs attached rather messily onto her ceiling, one of the six sources of light flickering on and off. you remember how many times you’ve told her to get it fixed yet she never really paid you any heed.

with shaking fingers, you replayed it one more time, hoping on everything you believe in that it wasn’t what it looks like. this can’t be it—how is that possible—

it’s him, the man who has appeared like an angel in your dream to sweep you away from evil. but standing in the corner, under the flickering lights of your friend’s kitchen, he looked anything but an angelic.

your mind is going haywire, your body shook in confusion, and sweat started dribbling down your neck. you would’ve thought you made a mistake because how is this even possible? the angelic man in your dreams isn’t real—he can’t be real, he can’t appear like this when you aren’t even sleeping because he’s not real!

he can’t… right?

he doesn’t look too harmless, what with his hands crossed and leisurely leaning against the wall. but one look at his eyes and you know you’re wrong. even through the shit quality of the cctv footage you can still feel the fury and the absolute hate his eyes held as he stared her down menacingly, unblinking.

stared her down as she made her own cocoa, as she hunches down to open the sink cabinets to get that pesky rat poison, as she poured it on her mug, as she swirls the spoon around to mix the deadly concoction all together in a hauntingly robotic way that looked too much like ryujin was being told what to do.

and as you let the video play the rest of its content and felt like the tragedy was unfolding right before your very eyes again—you couldn’t breathe, panic gripping onto you like a vice, the sharp talons of fear sinking deep under your skin.

you don’t register the coffee table toppling over in your haste to stand up. desperately putting a distance between you and the laptop as you turned and stumbled towards the hallway leading to your bedroom.

you stop, pathetically landing on your knees before the open archway. if you hadn’t been shaking in fear before, then you surely were now.

he’s here—can you even call it a he?

the man stands at the end of the hallway. in that similar, non-threatening stature with his arms crossed and body leaning against the wall.

but the mischief in his eyes is enough of a warning.

he’s come for you.

he’s come to finish the job.

“finally figured it out?”

you screamed, throwing the closest thing you can at him as you shuffle someplace else in your apartment. his laugh sounded pleasant in the ear when you were off in dreamland, but now? it sounded like nails grating against a chalkboard.

your legs eventually led you to the front door. appearances be damned. you weren’t even wearing a bra and you haven’t showered for days but fuck no you’re not going to stay here with that—that—that monster!

“baby, don’t leave! the fun hasn’t even started yet!”

you grab the doorknob and twist, practically throwing yourself out into the hallway, eyes frantic as you stumble and land face first against—

sticky. the floor’s sticky and there was a smell you can’t seem to pinpoint. it’s tangy, metallic, and you can almost taste the scent yourself in your tongue and when you look down—you want to throw up.

lying next to each other in pools of their own blood, lies yeji and ryujin side by side, faces towards each other. their eyes hauntingly empty and unseeing as they stared up at you.

you shrieked, voice scratching against your dry throat as you threw yourself back into your apartment, the door slamming shut in itself. you didn’t care if there’s now a huge mess of blood staining the carpets on the foyer. you curl in on yourself, hair sticking to your face as you covered your ears and shut your eyes.

“oh, my love…”

you felt his presence before you can hear him.

a flashback plays in your head—hot chocolate, soft blankets, and a friend who you loved with all your heart. “don’t you think it’s a little chilly in here?"

you answered. “no, not really?”

the tears start streaming like waterfalls, mixing with the blood and sweat already caked in your face. ryujin knew, she felt it back at her apartment yet you disregarded her completely.

“it’s not your fault,” the entity’s hands are ice cold when he gently pulls at your wrist. “everything is as it should be. now, open your eyes. there’s nothing to be afraid of. i’m not going to hurt you.”

stubbornly, you shook your head as you squeezed your lids even tighter, refusing to look at the monster dead in the eye.

“don’t be like that, my love. if i wanted to hurt you, i would’ve done it a long time ago.”

you don’t listen, hunching and curling your knees even more against your torso as you try to block out his voice. it’s unfair how gentle it sounded but your blood ran cold when you realize this is how he got ryujin to poison herself, this is how he got yeji to walk in front of a speeding car—

“hail mary, full—full of grace,” you pray under your breath, shaking like a leaf. “the lord… the lord is with thee. blessed art thou among women…”

“you’re praying?” there’s an underlying mocking to e in his voice. “this is fucking hilarious!”

your incessant mumbling partnered with how you rocked your body back and forth, made something snap within xiaojun. he already stated he won’t hurt you! did he break you so much that now you’re unable to hear stuff properly, too?

“holy mary, mo—mother of god, pray for us sinners, now and—and at the hour of our death, amen. hail mary, full of grace…”

“stop.” his body twitches, having the sudden urge to pull all his hair out and burn this fucking building to the ground.

yet you continue. “the lord is with thee, blessed art thou among—among women and blessed is the… the fruit of thy womb, jesus…”

“i said stop, [name]. don’t fucking test me.”

“holy mary, mother of god—pray—pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our—”

you screeched in pain as your forehead comes in contact with a mirror, the sound of it shattering is deafening to the ears. his icy fingers let go of your nape, letting you fall hard to the ground. your ears perk up at the sound of streaming water.

you weren’t in the foyer anymore, you feel cold tiles instead of the rough texture of the dirty carpet underneath you. eyes fluttering, you slowly pry them open, and the first thing you see is the faulty pipes found underneath your bathroom’s sink. patches of your clothes start getting wet.

“you think a prayer of all things can stop me? i’m insulted!” you hiss when he grabs your face, hands so cold that it feels like you’re skin is burning off. “i was going to play nice.”

he pulls you towards him, hand encased around your throat. he shoves the open hair dryer into the half-filled bath tub as you feel him vibrate against you. “you don’t know how long i waited, how much energy i needed to appear to you like this.”

it’s with dread you realize that he’s actually giggling.

you whine, eyes feeling like it’ll pop out of their sockets when he squeezed your neck tighter. with a sudden rush of adrenaline, you anchor your wrists against his arm but it proves to be useless when he’s too strong.

“please,” you wheezed. “i did… i did nothing wrong. let go—please.”

in the corner of your eyes, you stare at him from the mirror, stomach twisting in discomfort when you see him throwing his head back, eyes rolling up after taking a long whiff of your hair. “this—this fear you have, my love, only makes me stronger.”

“nothing… i did nothing wrong—please! please… let, let me go…” you’re starting to feel lightheaded, black spots floating around your vision.

“nothing? are you sure about that?”

you cringe when he licks up the tears in your face, toes curling at the sheer disgust you feel. but the words he spews next is far worse than the hand he’s wrapped around your throat.

“didn’t you left your mom alone with that abusive asshole? didn’t you make yeji walk into that incoming car? didn’t you make ryujin drink that poison?”

he whispers them so softly, so gently that you almost mistook them as proclamations of love.

“no…” your voice breaks.

“yes. yes, you did,” he knew you like the back of his hand, knew what to say and how to say them for you to break in his arms. “you killed them, my love. you’re a murderer. you don’t even deserve to be alive after all of the things you’ve done.”

it’s almost pathetic how you shake your head, eyes closed, refusing to acknowledge the truth.

“that’s… that’s not true…”

“you’re a curse to the people you love, the embodiment of they're suffering. don’t you see it?”

“stop lying!—”

“am i?” he retorts, maneuvering you around to face the mirror. you swore you covered the whole thing with black paint. “just look at yourself.”

oh, how badly he wants to shove your face against the mirror but he mustn't get ahead of himself.

“did any of your friends even visit you to see how you’re doing?” no, they never did. he smiles like he knows what you’re thinking. “the answer is all before you now, my love. you need to see through the haze and accept it for what it really is. no one loves you. even the god you’re praying to didn’t answer. there’s nothing, no one, left.”

and for the first time since he has you in his tight hold, you stopped fighting. sobs wracking through your body as your shoulders slump and accept defeat.

xiaojun automatically lets you go, cooing like a lover in your ear as he tucks you into his embrace. “you want this all to stop, don’t you? someone to save you?”

you nodded, unable to look at him as his hand came up to wipe away your tears. no one has ever done that for you in months ever since yeji and ryujin died.

“i’m here,” xiaojun says, running fingers through your hair comfortingly. “i’m your light, your only saviour. you want that, right, my love?” choice is a mere illusion but he likes keeping up with formalities.

you fail to notice the steps he took towards the now overflowing bathtub, too lost in the new highs and lows of emotions you feel.

“yes.”

it only took seconds to push you into the tub. its water buzzing with a live electric current brought by the hair dryer he dropped only minutes ago.

the effect is instantaneous. he watches your muscle spasm, your skin growing darker as the live water fries your body alive. quickly, xiaojun reaches down to lift your head out the water, not wanting to ruin your pretty face.

the last thing you feel is xiaojun’s cold lips pressing against your own, the gentle caress as he wiped your tears away… and the electricity finally passing through your heart.

when the entity pulls away from your dead body, he only whispers three things—“mine, at last.”

#nct imagines #nct scenarios #wayv imagines #wayv scenarios #xiaojun imagines #xiaojun scenarios #tw violence #tw religious themes #tw ptsd #tw swearing #tw mentions of suicide #tw murder #tw death #tw abuse #yandere xiaojun #yandere wayv

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daisukefmd · 3 years

Text

hey guys, it’s oli here, late as ever. sorry to be so tardy to the party, but work’s been kicking my ass for the past week ;-; but fortunately i have today and tomorrow off, so i’ll be around to plot and get some threads going! below the cut, you’ll find his background info, how he came to be an idol, present day stuff and everything in between. if you’re interested in plotting, just drop a like and i’ll shoot you a dm!

BACKGROUND

he’s the youngest of five children and he was born in kobe, japan. he’s always been a little bit on the more quieter side of things. his preschool teachers used to try to tell his parents that he was antisocial and wouldn’t interact with the other kids, but the truth was just that he was quiet and shy. his whole family is quiet and shy too, something his teachers found out when his parents came in for their meeting about daisuke. he was definitely a wall flower while he was growing up, which was pretty difficult to believe given the fact that he was always the tallest person in his class ever since he was a little kid. despite his height, he always managed to fade into the background.

he continued to fade into the background until he was about thirteen years old and he was scouted by a label in japan for his height and visuals. he was thrust into training, where they discovered that he had a pretty decent singing voice and they decided to make him the main vocal of that group. it was supposed to be an idol super group (think akb48 but with a bunch of guys instead). unfortunately the company lost more money than they gained and they ended up shutting down and his group disbanded before he could gain any real recognition with the public.

he had only been out of the group for a week before bc found him and asked his parents if they could take him to south korea to be in an idol group they were debuting. it didn’t take much to convince his parents, and a month later he was being shipped off to south korea. he arrived at the end of the summer in 2014 and officially joined bc entertainment as a trainee.

being a foreigner made forming connections and bonds with others difficult for him as well. it didn’t help that he was socially awkward and tended to stick to himself when he wasn’t training or sitting through lessons. his first year and a half as a trainee was spent more or less on his own, which took a huge toll on his mental health at the time. he was lonely, but he had never really learned how to reach out and form friendships with one another. it didn’t help that he was so far away from his family, whom he had never spent more than a few days from at a time.

the year and a half mark brought along not only stronger korean language skills, but a certain comfortability being in south korea. he had grown used to it by then, and while he would have preferred to be home with his family, he had figured out a way to cope by just burying his negative feelings deep down until he didn’t really acknowledge them anymore. not the healthiest way to cope, but it was all he could do at the time. fortunately, on the brighter side of things, he had formed a handful of friendships that made being away from his family a little easier for him.

he had began to grow a little weary that his debut would never come because he had been a trainee for over two years, but then bc told him that he’d be participating in cloud6. usually, daisuke isn’t a competitive person, but he couldn’t lie and say that he didn’t give his all on the show. he knew that his personality fell flat, so he worked hard to make sure that his talent more than made up for his more subtle and underwhelming persona.

while he was praised by many for his hard work ethic and strong voice, he was attacked by just as many for being boring, some hateful comments even taking shots at his cultural background. while that was something he had been expecting, he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that everyone would be accepting of a foreigner, it did hit him very hard. he just wanted to sing and there he was, being attacked for something that he couldn’t even change.

despite all of that, he ended up ranking in third place on cloud6 and ended up debuting in cloud. he was happy to make it to the end, but he was also a little hesitant in his happiness because he was met with such criticism when his ranking was announced. people accused the show of rigging and giving daisuke his spot, and it made him question his own ranking for quite some time. was his spot given to him? did he really earn it? those were thoughts that ran through his mind consistently, and still do whenever he’s in a particularly bad place mentally.

cloud’s success was a source of happiness for daisuke for a while - still is, however not as much. he was glad that they were being well received, but as the years dragged along, he couldn’t help but crave more. he wanted to start dipping his toes into other aspects of the entertainment industry, mainly creating his own music. he had learned a lot from the industry, and he wanted to step out of the realm that cloud had created for him and try out something new. he was given the opportunity to do so with his debut album and solo releases so far. however his next album will be completely his sound, different from anything cloud’s released before, and he’s excited that bc’s letting him experiment a bit more.

DAISUKE’S OFFICIAL IMAGE

while cloud’s overall image might be bright and refreshing, daisuke’s personality and persona don’t really fit into that category. on stage, he’s more than capable of putting out that vibe during performances, however once he steps foot off stage, he’s retreating back into his real self - quiet and reserved. despite bc trying consistently to bring him out of his shell during his trainee years and the first few months of cloud’s career, they eventually found an image that could work for him. daisuke’s job in cloud is to be the buffer. he’s the calm, cool and collected one. the mediator. he’s literally and figuratively the middle child of cloud. he balances the group out really well, adding a personality that’s the opposite of his group members’.

he’s marketed as mature, intelligent and hard working. the voice of reason in the group. respectful, the kind of guy your parents would trust their daughter with. a lot of cloud’s fans have even called him “regal” because of how he carries himself and speaks. the general public sees him as a strong vocalist, one of the better ones of the current k-pop generation, but they don’t know much about him aside from that. most of the time he makes headlines is because of his singing, and bc likes to keep it that way. there’s a slight air of mystery around him that makes him interesting enough to pay attention to. bc does have a habit of using that to their advantage whenever they can, and so far it has worked for daisuke. a lot of people are, surprisingly, drawn to his quiet demeanor and hard working attitude.

OTHER INFO

some people are a little intimidated by him because he’s not really smiley and he’s super tall (he’s about 6′5″) but he’s really not a bad guy. he’s just really quiet and shy, but if you can make your way through his shell, you’ll have a great friend. he loves his group members, although it may not seem like it because he’s not really affectionate, but he’s happy with them.

most people are shocked whenever he sings because his speaking voice is so deep and then he sings and that voice comes out of him lmao not to mention his physical appearance contradicts his singing

he knows that his stage name is ‘dai’ because it’s probably to make it easier for koreans to pronounce, but he hates it lmao he hates nicknames and pet names and anything of the like.

while he’s still a quiet guy that prefers to keep to himself, he’s not as much of a pushover as he used to be. he has a voice for himself, and he speaks up for himself when he needs to.

#depression tw #xenophobia tw #famedintro

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mortedeveles · 4 years

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I’m Okay. (PART 2)

Continuation and end to this oneshot!

SUMMARY: Ever since you were young, your mind has always been clouded with negative thoughts about yourself and your shoulders were always heavy with an invisible weight. But now you’re dating the infamous Katsuki Bakugou, and you couldn’t be happier. He made you feel so confident that you decided to come clean to your dad about your mental health issues. Buzzing with courage, you can only hope everything turns out okay. But as it turns out, you were absolutely wrong.

GENRE: angst, like a lot lot, hurt comfort and fluff. [ONE-SHOT]

PAIRING: Katsuki Bakugou x fem!reader. (i will be writing gn! reader soon, but i still have to adjust to it)

TW: mental health issues, mentions of suicide, cursing, etc.

a/n: i really wanted to give the og oneshot a proper ending so i wrote this up in a day or two!! i want to thank @lafy-taffy for beta reading this, i really appreciate your help a lot! tysm!! btw, i don’t remember if i mentioned this before but y/n and bakuhoe have been dating for months in this oneshot, so they’re past the pining and blushing period!! please leave a like, reblog or comment if you enjoyed! it really helps! getting feedback makes me so, so happy, y’all seriously don’t have an idea lol. that’s all, i hope you enjoy!

A week had passed by since Y/N's attempt to express her illness failed miserably. She had decided against telling her boyfriend Katsuki since it was a very sensitive topic for her. Y/N tried her best to brush it off and act as if nothing had ever happened, but it was hard trying to be something you weren't.

Her relationship with her father had become strained and their conversations had become short and dismissive. Y/N had been brought up by her father, since her mother had left when she was a young child, and it pained her greatly that her one and only family relationship was being torn at the edges.

Even though her life at her home had become miserable, Y/N had continued to smile and work hard at U.A, even though the number of sleepless nights she had recently encountered began to take a toll on her body.

She had hoped that Katsuki wouldn't notice the shift in her behavior, Y/N had never been a fan of confrontation. She had always preferred to keep things under the rug. Unfortunately, her behavior hadn't gotten unnoticed by Katsuki. He would notice how she would come out of the restrooms with puffy, red eyes, and how her notes slowly became messier which was unlike her. Katsuki knew that Y/N always organized her notes. But since Katsuki had other things on his mind, he didn't think much of it.

It wasn't until she had rejected his offer to go out on a Friday night that Katsuki decided to act. He was confused, frustrated, and annoyed. They would always go out on dates on Friday nights. Always. Even if she came down with a cold, he would sneak into her house and stay in bed with her, watching a cheesy movie. And therefore, Bakugou decided to act. He had climbed towards her room and stole a look at her from her bedroom window. His blood ran cold.

There she was, crying her heart out with a rope in her hands. No...

Was she-was she going to kill herself? Katsuki knocked on the window furiously, feeling his temper swell with each look at her crying face. Who the hell made her sad? Who did he have to kill?

Y/N gasped and jumped. She dropped the rope and glanced towards her window, eyes widening when she spotted her furious boyfriend. She quickly rubbed her eyes and tried to make herself presentable as she opened the window with a forced smile.

''What's up, 'Suki? I told you I wasn't going to be able to go out tonight,'' Y/N said. She tried to keep the smile balanced on her lips and not break into tears.

''We need to talk, Y/N,'' he said gruffly. She swallowed thickly and nodded in response.

Katsuki kept his anger at bay as he climbed through the window and pulled Y/N into a tight hug. He buried his head in her hair and breathed deeply.

''What's going on, baby?'' he murmured. It was unusual for Katsuki to act to tender and calm, but something told him that he needed to approach his girlfriend carefully.

That was enough for Y/N to fall apart. She let out a loud sob, curling her fists against Katsuki's chest and her entire frame began to shake.

Bakugou could feel confusion stirring in his heart, who the hell had done this to her?! Y/N had always been a cheery and composed girl but right now, she looked so close from breaking away from reality. The sight made Katsuki feel as if someone was ripping his heart to shreds and burning it to ashes. It was too painful to watch.

''I just, I just can't take it anymore,'' she sobbed. Her shoulders trembled with each cry.

Slowly, he picked up Y/N in his arms and carried her to the bed. Katsuki held her in his lap and wrapped his arms around her.

''What's going on? Something's wrong, and you haven't told me anything.'' he sighed and nudged Y/N’s chest into his chest. He hoped it would be of comfort.

''I don't like me very much anymore,'' she spoke into his chest. The vibrations made him shiver, but her words made him freeze in shock.

''You should be with someone else, 'Suki. I'm sorry for being a mess.''

Katsuki furrowed his eyebrows and leaned back to get a proper look at Y/N's face. He frowned and brushed away her tears.

''Hey, hey, slow down, nerd. What the fuck are you talking about?'' he pressed a chaste kiss on her salty and swollen lips.

''Can you start from the beginning, baby? Can you do that for me?'' his arms tightened around her.

Y/N slowly nodded and breathed shakily. Katsuki nodded in approval and patted her back.

''That's it, good job. Now, can you tell me what's going on?'' His patience was running thin- Katsuki had never been very patient, but he knew this was Y/N he was talking about- his amazing and kind girlfriend- so he forced himself to be patient.

''Um,'' she lowered her gaze to her lap. ''Ever since I was young, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I would feel so lonely, I wouldn't fit in anywhere, and most of the time, I felt so sad for absolutely no reason! I don't know why I feel like this, but I hate it,'' she forced a sob down her throat. ''I've never told anyone about it. I didn't want to bother anyone,'' Katsuki let out an angry growl, but quickly quieted down. ''I don't think I should be in U.A. There's this self-deprecating feeling in me, there's this voice that likes to taunt with me and tell me I'm worthless, I'm absolutely nothing,'' she whispered, blinking as tears fell on her hands.

''I can't help it. I've tried to make it stop, but it's stronger than me. It consumes me and it's eating me from the inside. I haven't been feeling well lately, and although I'm very afraid of talking about this, I decided to tell my dad about it.''

''And?'' Bakugou's voice was firm but slow. Knowing that Y/N was suffering so much in silence and he had no fucking idea made him furious. ''What did your old man say?''

Y/N let out a bitter laugh. Bakugou raised an eyebrow and bit down on his tongue. Her laugh sounded so, so wrong. It wasn't a happy laugh, filled with amusement or joy. It was void. Empty. Harsh and bitter. Nothing like Y/N.

''He told me to get over it-,''

Bakugou growled. ''That motherfucker! I'm going to kill him!''

Y/N smiled and pressed a hand on Katsuki's arm. He sighed and lowered his fists.

''I’m sorry…’’ he mumbled. Y/N nodded in understanding and continued explaining.

''-And to be fair, I think he's right. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and there's nothing I'm missing. My dad has suffered so much and I'm just a spoiled brat that doesn't appreciate what she has,'' she looked up at Katsuki with watery eyes and a strained smile. ''I'm so lucky. I have you as my boyfriend,'' She giggled and hiccuped, pressing a soft kiss on his jaw.

''Don't worry about it. I'll be fine, 'Suki. I'm okay.''

Katsuki clenched his jaw and tightened his fists. He lowered his head and narrowed his eyes.

''Why didn't you tell me...any of this?''

Y/N sighed. She pressed a gentle hand on Katsuki's cheek and smiled.

''I didn't want to bother you with it. You're amazing, Katsuki! You're strong, determined, your quirk is great and you're the next Number One Pro-Hero. I didn't want to get in your way. Besides, you're so confident and beautiful,'' her voice faltered.

''I didn't think you'd understand.''

Katsuki was silent. His head was lowered and Y/N couldn't see the expression on his face. He was silent. Was he mad? Ashamed of her? Ashamed of having a girlfriend that wasn't mentally stable? The insecurities began to jab at Y/N's heart.

''Katsuki, are you okay? You haven't said any-,'' Y/N raised her hand to touch Katsuki, but he quickly grabbed her hand in a firm grip.

Slowly, he raised his eyes and met her gaze. His eyes were blazing with too many emotions. Y/N couldn't understand what he was feeling. Was he sad? Angry? Furious? It seemed to be a combination of all three.

''I'm your boyfriend, Y/N! Fucks sakes, I'm the one who's supposed to protect you,'' he croaked. The hand that gripped her wrist began to shake. ''Not the other way around. You're supposed to tell me everything, baby. If someone's bothering you, I'll make sure they'll never bother you again. If you're in danger, I'm the one who's supposed to swoop in and protect you!'' he growled.

''I'm sorry, I-,'' Y/N began, but Bakugou quickly silenced her with a finger pressed against her lips.

''Shh. Don't apologize anymore,'' he grumbled.

''How can you think like that about yourself? You're my girlfriend and you're the most beautiful person I've ever met,'' he whispered.

''Seeing you makes me smile. When we're together, I feel so happy I fear my chest might explode,'' he barked out a laugh. ''You're not worthless, baby,'' he held her face in his warm hand. ''You're everything to me, even if you don't believe it. You're a strong, kind, and determined girl. You're going to make an excellent hero, I know it. And I'm not just saying this because you're my girlfriend. I'm telling you this because I know it's true,'' he pressed a kiss on her lips.

Y/N slowly moved her lips in sync, tugging Katsuki forward, but he broke apart from the kiss. He grinned and shook his head.

''Not so fast. I have some other things to say. It doesn't matter if I'm training or busy, fuck, I could be dying and you still have to tell me if something's on your mind. Or have you forgotten, Y/N? Being Number One Pro Hero isn't my only priority. You're so fucking important to me! Of course, you're my priority. I don't know what I'd do without you,'' he mumbled, burying his face in Y/N's chest.

Y/N hiccuped. Katsuki quickly snapped his head upwards and stroked Y/N's hair. Her sobs were louder by the minute, so he gently pushed her face into his chest. He murmured words he wouldn't even dream of saying out loud, rubbing circles on her back and stroking her soft hair. Feeling her sadness and pain nearly brought tears to his eyes, but he forced them down. Katsuki had to stay strong and patient for Y/N.

''I'm so tired, Katsuki,'' she cried. ''I just wish I didn't feel like this. Why can't I be normal?''

Katsuki shushed her and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

''Hey, hey, calm down, baby. It's okay to feel tired. You can rest here with me. Don't worry baby, we'll get through this,'' he murmured. ''I'm here for you.''

About half an hour passed by quickly and Y/N's hiccups and sobs slowly quietened down.

''Thank you, 'Suki,'' Y/N raised her head and met Katsuki's soft gaze. ''I know I'm a handful.''

Katsuki sighed and flicked his finger on Y/N's forehead. Immediately, she cried out and clutched her forehead.

''Ow! What the hell was that for?'' she frowned and crossed her arms defensively. The sight made Katsuki chuckle.

''Don't say that about yourself. It's not true. You're only feeding your insecurities if you say them out loud,'' he gripped Y/N's hand and squeezed it.

Katsuki cleared his throat loudly and prepared his speech. ''Now, repeat after me. I, Y/N L/N, am the most beautiful girl ever and no one can say otherwise!''

Y/N's eyes widened and she laughed quietly. Katsuki smiled and squeezed her hand. At least he managed to get a smile out of her. Seeing Y/N without a smile was like if the world had gone dark, and all the colors were reduced to a boring grey. It shouldn't be possible for someone as beautiful and kind as her to look so sad and miserable. She should always be smiling.

''You can't be serious, 'Suki,'' she chided. ''I'll sound like a dumbass! Seeing you say those words with complete confidence made you look like an absolute clown!'' she giggled and shook her head disapproval.

Katsuki snorted and grabbed her face by her chin.

''I don't fucking care. C'mon, say it. You'll feel better, I promise.''

Y/N sighed and decided to surrender. ''Fine,'' she grumbled.

''I, Y/N LN/ am the most beautiful girl in the world and no one can say otherwise!'' she exclaimed, raising her arms for a dramatic effect. After she had repeated the words, Y/N began to laugh wildly as she buried her face in Katsuki's chest.

''That was sooo embarrassing. I'm never going to say that again!'' her words were muffled against his chest.

Bakugou smiled as he felt Y/N's face heat up in embarrassment.

''It doesn't matter. Good job, baby. I'm proud of you,'' he sneaked a kiss on her lips.

''Thank you, 'Suki. I was a dumbass to think that you wouldn't understand.''

Katsuki sighed and tightened his arms around Y/N. He placed his chin on the top of her head and stared at the window. It must've been midnight by now but when he was with Y/N, time seemed to be an abstract concept. He could spend a century with her and it would feel like a few couple of minutes.

''You are a dumbass for thinking like that,'' he grumbled. ''I know I'm not very vocal about my feelings and all that bullshit,'' he paused and licked his lips. ''I understand how you feel. I've felt like that many times. I thought that if I bottled up my emotions, I would be fine, but I was so, so wrong. I used to feel this insane pressure on me because of my quirk, that I had to be better than everyone because if I tried and slacked off, even just for one moment, I'd fail. I would be reduced to nothing and...'' his voice became softer and faltered. ''That terrifies me.''

A moment of peaceful but bitter silence swept over them as they held onto each other tightly. Katsuki could feel his chest tighten. He had done the impossible- express what he was truly feeling. And his chest and shoulders had felt impossibly lighter afterward.

''Oh, Katsuki,'' Y/N sighed and leaned her forehead against Katsuki's.

''You should've told me about this earlier. I admire your determination, very much, you know that, but you have to cut yourself some slack. You're doing great and even if you slack off, you won't fall behind,'' she smiled and met Katsuki's hesitant eyes.

''I promise. Your dreams and goals are important, but you should take care of yourself too. Don't forget about yourself in the process of reaching your goals. You're an extraordinary person and don't think I've ever met someone like you,'' she murmured, tracing her thumb over Katsuki's soft cheeks. He laughed roughly and leaned closer, closing his eyes.

''I think I could say the same thing about you.''

Y/N smiled and closed her eyes, pressing a soft kiss on Katsuki's lips. He smiled against her lips and tugged at her bottom lip. The two of them danced with their lips, tugging at their hair and necks. It wasn't until Katsuki spoke that they broke apart.

''When you're ready, baby,'' he gripped both her hands as he stared into Y/N's eyes. ''We can get some help if that's what you want. Maybe some therapy would help you.''

Y/N smiled and nodded. She squeezed Katsuki's warm palms. ''I think that would be nice.''

''We're going to get through this, won't we, 'Suki?''

Katsuki nodded and tugged Y/N closer. He wrapped his arms around her waist as he breathed in the pleasant smell of her hair.

''Of course. I know we will.''

Y/N pressed a chaste kiss on Katsuki's neck, making his face redden and his grip on her body tighten.

''I love you, 'Suki.''

''I love you more, you damn nerd,'' he grumbled. With a heavy nod, the two of them began to descend into hours of sleep, finding comfort and solace in each other's embrace.

and that’s a wrap!! i hope you guys enjoyed it! should i make a permanent tag list, in which you’d be tagged for ALL my fics? DM me or comment if you’re interested so i can make it! next update is for Tainted Flowers which will prob be up tomorrow, and then we’ll get back to model for me! have a good week y’all! xx

#bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugou #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsukibakugou #katsuki x y/n #mha bakugou #bakugou x you #angst #fluff #hurt comfort #my writing #mha #veles' writing

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kachuwritings · 5 years

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A New Beginning

You may or may not have noticed how inactive I've become on this blog and this has many reasons which some of them I've already mentioned and some not so much.

[If you want to know more about what's been going on and some more info, please read the post "an overdue apology & explanation" that I reblogged with some additional info right below this post.]

I'm not sure when exactly everything started to go downhill for me but I think it slowly began after I decided to open a second writing blog called @fluffyheadcanons At first I thought it was an amazing idea to have a writing blog with scenarios, reactions, mtls and moodboards and a separate soft blog for soft hours and small blurbs. However, I didn't realize how much work this would be for one person to manage at first (and I'm not trying to put pity on myself) but as time progressed it became painfully apparent to me.

I felt like when I was active on one writing blog I neglected the other and vice versa because I became more invested with both of them and in the end I spent almost all day on tumblr or writing on stuff which in the end took a toll on my already not great mental health. I basically used these blogs to hide at home on the internet and therefore not having to face my anxiety to a point where I've been going through a really dark time... I totally let my social life go, my mental and physical health problems increased and I lost touch with most of my irl friends which made me feel really lonely and even more isolated. This increasing drop in my wellbeing also manifested itself in me losing motivation, inspiration and strength to write and I just let myself go and wanted everything to end.

Now, you need to know, I'm an extremely sensitive person that is very concerned with other people's opinions (way too much!!) and I also really hate disappointing or even hurting someone. These things make me beat myself up a lot, so I've always felt extremely guilty that I didn't complete the requests I've gotten from you and truthfully speaking, I still feel guilty and I am scared people will hate me for this (this is not me judging someone else rather my anxiety tells me people will hate me for it because it takes every opportunity it can get to find reasons as to why someone would hate me). And I'm not really a confrontational person and really dislike conflict so I never want to anger someone (which is inevitable though).

Anyway, I wanted to give you guys a bit more information as to why I've been doing what I've been doing and also give you an insight about my emotions and mental health. I started off 2019 really bad to be frank, however, I've managed to get better both physically and mentally. I will encounter setbacks from time to time and I will still have old habits or feelings resurface and make me feel bad but I'm working a lot on improving on every level and feeling happy, motivated and inspired. I've built up my social life more again and tbh, meeting up with friends and not being so isolated has helped me a lot to deal with my anxiety and I feel much better already (mind you, I've been struggling with it for years but I've learned techniques to deal with panic attacks in therapy and now I feel like I'm strong enough to face my fears).

[This is something I want to emphasize to others that are struggling, please don't put yourself into a triggering situation when you're not ready and don't have the resources to deal with it yet. It will only worsen your struggles. People always say "you have to face your fears if you want them to go away" but I don't think you should immediately do that. First, you need to gather the resources to deal with your struggles and if you feel like you got them and you feel strong enough, you can try to face your fears and use the resources you've acquired.]

I'm rambling on, I'm sorry, I'm coming to the point now.

I realized I need a makeover, a new beginning, a fresh start. The remaining requests (as I've mentioned before) I will not be able to complete them, over the months and during the time I've struggled they've become somewhat of a negative space for me and something that tries to guilt-trip me and I don't think I can handle to complete them at this point if I want to enjoy writing again. I am so sorry, seriously, I didn't want to let you guys down. I really want to make this blog blossom again since I've grown attached to it, it's like my little creative niche but it's turned into a chore over time and I lost passion and motivation for it. I've always felt obliged to write and post and put out content and complete requests and I've put a lot of pressure on myself that way.

Therefore I decided I will change this blog up and have a fresh start. I will change my guidelines, as well as the groups I'll be writing for. I will not take requests anymore until further notice (maybe for a drabble game or when I feel like I'm strong enough again and then I will handle it differently and make sure I don't put too much on my plate). And I will also change my blog aesthetic to further emphasize the makeover (+ I really could use a new one by now :')).

Well, I guess that's it. I want to thank you, yes you, who's reading this right now, to have read this far and not already decided to drop me and I am so grateful for you understanding and hope you will continue to check in on this blog in the future even if there will be some changes!

I am really sorry again, I tried my best and it wasn't good enough and that's why I decided I need to put this out and start anew. Thank you for reading this and I love you.♥️

#kachu rambles #important!!#blog update

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loveafatboy · 5 years

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Is there really someone for everyone out there?

Welcome to my ramblings. Get in your most comfortable position because this is a lot to unpack. I'm going to try to explain my fucked up mind through writing in a sort of a cathartic way trying to make sense of everything. Suffering from social anxiety as expected I cannot flirt even if my life is depending on it. Bars aren't my thing either and in reality apps majority of time just serve the purpose of a hookup or a date or two at most. I'm in my late twenties which is relatively young but its a weird age where you feel like you are starting your life but at the same time is where many of your friends already have careers, moved away from places or they just threw a huge wedding and as always you look around and visibly you can see how serious and definitive life is getting and there's something that doesn't change and that's the feeling of loneliness and I know you might be thinking the same lines everybody regurgitates every time they want to feel validated or they want to feel good about themselves. “Its not the same to be alone than lonely” a very famous one in Spanish is: “Es mejor estar solo que mal acompañado” which translates to: “Its better to be alone than to be with the wrong person or in bad company” and I get it it's true it's truly better to be single than to be with the wrong person but at the end of the day no one wants to be the single person at the wedding or at the family event. People make excuses and post millions of motivational quotes so they believe to only themselves and show to the world that being single is better which I'm very sorry to burst their bubble, it's not. Feels really shitty not be claimed by literally anyone and I know I'm talking in very opinionated personal experience way but, it takes a toll on your literal soul everyday waking up to receive no text or call from nobody or even a compliment from someone in the streets. Humans were design or evolved to be alone we come from communities that later form what we believe is our society but it started by collaborating with each other so in the very fabric of humans being alone is not ideal even for survival. We are stronger when we form bonds with people. Series like Looking or movies like Big Eden or Love Simon gave me hope to find a mate that makes this worth it and I'm not talking about validation or so my friends can see what I've 'pulled off’ I'm talking about sleepless nights wanting a hug, the times where you just want someone there to ground you. To support you emotionally. Someone that can be reached whenever you feel like the world is too heavy and that person makes it feel a little bit better. When you're single I think you have to be that person for yourself. You have to act like the stronger man, you have to be the rock of your own life and that's fine but doesn't get boring? Doesn't get tiring to be for yourself over and over? Don't we all search for unconditional love in this Earth? Who knows. Having a significant other will definitely will not take your issues away from you like depression, isolation or loneliness that's for sure but it would help to have if someone was beside you every step of the way. Being gay myself I get surprised on how many of us suffer from mental illness. Gay males are three more times to suffer from suicidal thoughts than straight or bisexual men and I don’t know the clear reason for it but I think loneliness has a big part to do with it. I truly don’t want to repeat the same lines over and over on how terrible or unsupportive the Gay Community is all I want to say is that if there’s no solution for loneliness at least we can listen to each other just talking helps a lot and more importantly forming communities and less cliques. Men need to stop glorifying the Mean Girls mentality were we separate ourselves by dumb stuff. try to stop being toxic with each other and start trying to be supportive of each other. Maybe we'll never find anyone but at leas we will have a healthy community behind us, supporting us and being real and that is what counts. I might get negative comments for this but fuck it I write this for me and that's all.

#wedding #gay community #loneliness #gays #depression

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nextstopserenity-blog · 5 years

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Becoming the person i am today - Part 1

Through my whole high school experience, i was a person who was mean and angry..constantly. I think it had to do with the fact that whilst everyone was naturally just nice and caring and had a lot of friends. I didn't really have the confidence or infact ability to do the same because it my head, when i used to be nice, i got taken advantage off and then i'd be hurt. So i just stopped being nice overall, with the intentions to protect myself and not get hurt. Whilst growing up, it was difficult growing up in a household where everything goes wrong all the time, people don't get along well, there's always an issue inside and outside of the family, Someone was lying or getting lied to and by people they loved the most and that's where my trust issue first came from. Constantly being told i need to learn from the mistakes of my elders was imbedded so deep into my persona, i started to base my whole life around it, how i saw my family get treated and treat people became the norm, it was all i knew so i started to treat people the same way. "i can't trust you, you're going to fuck me over" was the kind of thoughts going through my head when i used to chill with my friends.

i just remember being so angry at the world and not knowing why, not being able to control that anger, hurting everyone around me. I became lonely. i started to form a entire ideology in my brain that if I'm mean to people, they will fear me inside of liking me and that means they won't fuck me about therefore cannot hurt me. Once i started to become lonelier...well, when i started to FEEL lonelier, this is where my anxiety came from and it grew enormously. Thinking about the kind of person i was, sickens me and what sickens me even more than that is the fact that i saw nothing wrong. I must have been so hated in my school. This person no one wanted to be friends with. I became a person they thought they wouldn't be able to trust. Im on the road to becoming the person i really am and taking control of myself and my mind and realising that i need to break away from the effects the situations around me, had on me whilst growing up.

What frustrates me now is that i have changed so much and i have become a better person mentally and physically but i wish i was this person before. But then i stop. And i think "well if i was this person before, it would have been too easy" i had to go through life in order to reach here and become the person i am. And you know what is crazy, i used cry about the times i wish i could have changed and apologise to all the people that I've done something bad to and now here i am, writing this. Telling the complete truth and you know.. just getting it out there.

But anyway, Some people even said to me, "Mia, you were a good person", "you didn't do anything wrong", "you were fine" etc etc etc. but in my head i was the worst person ever and i still think that but the important thing is that i have changed for the better and i will carry on changing for the better”

My depression and anxiety took a toll on me last year when i was addicted to a drug which took over my entire life and could have completely changed my life, forever. And it really opened my eyes to the negative and positive aspects of life and made me appreciate so much. But by the time i got myself out of the addiction, i had pushed everyone away and couldn't show my appreciation enough. Ive always feared that i wouldn't change or i would change but no one will see it, because i wouldn't have any friends from the past that could actually see ME, the person i REALLY am. Not to prove a point, but to get the chance to apologise for how i was and just... well show them the real me.

#Lovefrommiaa💝

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a-udaciou-s · 7 years

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Ruin

“I would ruin myself to fix you.” And that’s what I did. I lost my mind trying to understand yours. Over the past year, my life has been a whole whirlwind of emotions. I was lost, unbothered, confident yet damaged all at the same time. If you think I’m referring to a boy, think again. I’m referring to a love which has taken a toll on my life and will haunt me forever. My father.I have been trying to view life with an open lens, a clearer view. How can I, when I was abused so much verbally as a child and attacked so many times that I struggle to even look people right in the eyes. For real though, it’s the truth, I can’t look people straight in the eyes without a wave of fear circulating my insides. It’s true what they say Vhand only real once you’ve experienced it – family violence is a courageous struggle of survival. I’m ruined.For a while, school was my escape. I would thrive off going to school, leaving the miserable torture at home so I could be with people that would make me laugh and bring me back to a happier place. But what hurt most, was seeing peoples’ fathers drop them off at school, showing them affection and love, when I just never received that. I never knew what that felt like. I still have scars, physically and mentally. I’ve seen things no 15-year-old (at the time) would imagine. To this day, I still can’t comprehend that I’m alive and writing this. They say you should cry until there are no more tears left, but I can tell you that I have made this sorrowful attempt. Did it work? No. Am I still crying? Yes. Growing up in an environment where you are scared to share your thoughts and lie to your friends – hiding what’s really going on at home, hurt my heart. Trying to explain to your teachers that the reason for your poor grades and minimal focus in class was purely a result of being a child trying to grow up normally and function normally when you. just. can’t. It’s impossible. I’m the type of girl that doesn’t really complain about the important things hurting me , I'd prefer to complain about work. I keep everything to myself, especially personal issues. I have found it has saved me from a lot of questions, but also caused me to remain stuck in an unhealthy headspace where I’m unable to heal. However, I was brought up like that because everything I knew was kept undercover as a secret and only within the immediate family’s knowledge. It was forbidden to tell others who my ‘so called father’ really was – a human with multiple personalities and a mind full of hate and control. Additionally, as I began opening up to people, I learnt that I have the right to voice my story. What they don’t tell you is that maybe the reason for their aggressive actions is due to their own upbringing. To this day, I still have no hate in my heart for what he did to me. He wasn’t my father. Sure I’m still hurt and upset, but I can’t help but be grateful that I’m free from his cruelty. I’m out of that dark place and now the world is at my feet. It’s been a whole year now since I’ve seen your face and had a decent talk with you. I feel sorry for you, but not the guilty type of sorry, the sorry that means ‘you fucked up and got caught.’ Because the truth is, you’re only sorry because you got caught. I know you have many problems but you also had many chances to change and get help. I hope you find peace in your life and heart so that you can learn how to love and treat those who care about you right. I don’t know what real love is. But I know what change is. I know what pain is. I’m a lonely soul but I’m remarkably complete at the same time. I’m sad but I’m also optimistic. I get back on my feet and regain strength, but I’m pulled back down even harder. I have lost my true self and I want it back. I had my heart broken into pieces from the one person I never thought would. The world has made me a drier, colder person. They say it takes a life to know how to live, and I can confirm that. Funny fact about me is that I’ve always been told I am an old soul, which I inevitably am. Even funnier is that I was even born on old soul’s day. I am proud that I am an old soul, because I envision things, I understand things and I crave authenticity. Another thing: when someone is acting abrupt, rude, judgemental, or negative, always be kind – because you never know what’s happening at home. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Today I am grateful, for all the people that are loving and kind to me. I would continu\ yere talking about the importance of real love, but that’s for another time. I just want to go. I have my family who are my rock and sunshine who love me for me. You can't pick your but I'm glad I got stuck with jokes

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americanpsycho1991 · 7 years

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Talking about myself and how to deal with me (long ramble):

I hate the moodiness. call it a pd thing, mood swings, whatever you wanna do but the fact is that in the moment, it really does feel that bad. And for people on the outside, that’s very hard and frustrating to understand, because my moods often change so fast that it’s hard to believe I wasn’t just being a drama queen before. It’s hard to take someone seriously when you know they have a pattern of freaking out and then being fine 30 minutes later. But to me, it always feels ‘genuine,’ it always feels exactly as intense as the way I express it.

I know how draining it can be to deal with someone like me because your efforts feel wasted. Taking the time and energy to think of something to say to comfort me & make me feel better is asking a lot of someone! And for me to bounce back in an hour and be totally fine must feel like a slap in the face. Some people just stop taking me seriously after a while, which hurts, but I understand it.

I do think there’s a middle ground, though, between me expecting everyone to expend all that emotional energy on me when I’m in a bad swing, vs everyone thinking “yeah big deal, she’ll get over it in an hour” and ignoring me. I guess a good way to deal with it is to address and acknowledge that I’m upset, but basically find a way to stall time. That’s what I do for myself when I’m still collected enough to think about it rationally -- I just distract myself until it goes away. Obviously there are times when that’s not enough, but much like something upsetting will seem much more manageable after a good night’s sleep, just focusing on something else for an hour or two (something emotionally detached from my real-life situation like a movie) can be enough to get over it.

I really am trying. I really am. And I feel like I drain everyone around me, demand all this attention and energy, and give nothing back and I’m sorry. I really am. I want to offer support and love so badly but when the moment arrives I never ever know what to say. I’m terrible at it, and on top of that, my memory is god-awful so sometimes I forget to check in or ask how someone’s doing.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone I know, and I’ve noticed they have a new haircut, but it genuinely doesn’t occur to me to say something, and then eventually they say “hey did you notice my new haircut? What do you think?” and then of course I look like a liar when I say “oh yeah, I noticed that right away, it looks great!” because if I had noticed and I liked it, why wouldn’t I have said anything? I do things like that a lot, I don’t know why, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with me. But I do notice, I do care, I am interested. I just struggle with getting those things out of my head and effectively communicating them.

I really, really need to get back into therapy, and in the time that I”m out of it, I’m starting a list of things I want to bring up and work on. One positive result of having needed therapy for so many years is that I’ve become very good at articulating my own mental issues. I’ve finally, after many, many years of practice, gained the skill of being able to recognize patterns in my behavior, my thoughts, and my emotions, and being able to express them clearly in a therapy setting. My last therapist (who I painfully miss) actually mentioned this several times, and -- while I’m sure she was partially saying this just to be nice -- when we finally said goodbye she actually said the way I spoke about emotions and experiences was ‘poetic.’ I’m not sure I agree with that but that compliment was one that really stuck with me. Given that I’m going to have to be in therapy for many years to come, I may as well have something to feel good about. So, I’m proud of myself for that.

But yeah, mostly I just want people to know that I am self-aware. I know the way I act, and I know it’s extremely frustrating and taxing to deal with. I have to deal with myself every day, I know how futile it can feel to try to make a difference. And I’m sorry. I just want people to know that I know, I’m sorry, and I promise I’m working on it.

One of my biggest fears is to end up stringing people along who don’t really like me, but feel obliged to pretend they do and to keep supporting me, because of how often I talk about how lonely I am and about how it’s been so hard to have so many people leave me over the years. I’m massively paranoid that everyone who’s being nice to me is only doing so out of politeness or obligation. Let me tell you, someone telling me straight up that they’re not that fond of me and that they find me exhausting would be a thousand times better than finding out someone who I thought was close to me was just pretending to like me because they felt sorry for me, or they felt like they had to support me because I didn’t have anyone else. The former will upset me, but I’ll get over it. The latter is my worst nightmare and would only serve to confirm and re-enforce this constant, nagging, irrational fear I have.

And even if you do genuinely like me, never feel like my wellbeing should come before yours. Do not feel like you have to “always be there for me” if it’s taking a toll on you. Again, I would so much rather someone say “I’m sorry but I can’t talk this out with you right now, I’m dealing with some stuff of my own” or that you just don’t have the energy, or simply that it’s not a good time.

^^ that’s been a problem for me as well -- one of the problems with these irrational social fears I have is that I’m a hypocrite; I’ve done all these things to other people, and I hate that I’ve done it. But regarding the last point, I’ve learned that it’s better for me not to say things like “you can talk to me anytime” because honestly, I am often totally unprepared to listen to someone’s problems and offer support. And I’ve told people they can come to me, with the absolute best of intentions, because I really do care about them and want to support them, but then I’ve let them down. Because I’d had a bad day, or I was feeling drained, or because I had no clue what I could say that would comfort them.

Also, if you’re just having a good time and you don’t feel like taking on some emotional weight, it’s okay. If you’re scrolling tumblr and I send you a message with some heavy shit but you want to keep having fun, don’t feel like you need to pretend you’re not online, or that you have to reply to me right now. Keep having a good time! I would so much rather deal with my mood swings on my own than reach out to someone and know that I’m dragging them down and ruining their mood too.

I would love for people to tell me what kind of support they need. That would be perfect. A win-win situation -- I finally figure out what to say, and they hear what they need to hear. But frankly, most people don’t know what kind of support they need. My parents have given up asking me how they can help me, because I never have a useful answer (well, that and because they’re totally unwilling to change their own behavior & they think ‘care and support’ should consist entirely of them telling me how to handle my own behavior... but that’s another story). It’s hard enough to figure out your own feelings and behaviors, let alone coming up with ways that other people can behave that will help you. But, if you’ve figured anything out, or if there are specific things that you definitely don’t want to hear, tell me! I think the whole world needs more bluntness.

I have trouble with emotional permanence. For instance, consciously I know that my mother always loves me, but half the time I’m convinced she hates me. I’m not saying you need to remind me every 2 hours that you really do like me, and that yes, you really do mean that, but I think it’s one of those things that’s hard to really understand unless you experience it. It’s not that I think you don’t like me, I feel that you might not like me, and if I don’t have occasional clear evidence to the contrary, those feelings will strengthen, I’ll keep getting paranoid and seeing signs of people hating me wherever I look, and those feelings will slowly solidify into real, convincing thoughts.

That’s one of the reasons I’ve lost so many friends over the years. I have huge problems with social avoidance.* I don’t contact someone for a while & self-isolate like usual, and over time I become more and more convinced they never liked me in the first place, so of course I never contact them again because why would I try to guilt them into spending time with me again? They’re much happier without having to pretend to like me all the time!

*not that anyone cares that much, but while I never got far enough with that particular therapist to come to a specific diagnosis, we formed a pretty good impression of the whole personality disorder thing (which is why I’m not that specific about it -- at this point I’m damn certain I have a personality disorder, it’s just that there’s no official diagnosis yet of what it would be called or how it would be classified). I know that labels of disorders are meant to describe a group of commonly clustered symptoms, not the other way around, but for the purposes of articulating my issues here it’s better to work backwards. Essentially I have a lot of BPD traits, but I’m missing a few key ones that are required for a full diagnosis. The thing is, the “reason” I don’t have those traits is because they’re canceled out, so to speak, by several big traits of avoidant personality disorder. For instance, it’s not that I don’t feel like engaging in impulsive and risky behavior, but I don’t tend to -- yet the reason I don’t isn’t because I know it’s unwise, the reason is because I’m irrationally terrified of encountering a negative social situation, a bad interaction, facing consequences and immediately breaking down in tears, getting extremely embarrassed, etc. So basically I’ve got some BPD and I’ve got some APD and of course I’ve always got the good-old, regular, everyday, dependable depression.

- I care so goddamn much

- I never know what to say

- I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing

- sometimes I’m bad at remembering things like checking in to see how people are doing (and complimenting new haircuts)

- I have trouble with emotional permanence, it doesn’t matter if you’re my own mother, I will be paranoid that you’re tired of me and only putting up with me because you think I’m sad and pathetic and you feel bad for me

- when I’m having a bad mood swing, if you’re in a place where you can offer support, please know that there’s not much you can say that will pull me out of a mood (I tend to keep saying the same things over and over and get into a very stubborn place where even if you offer me the perfect solution to my problem, I’ll be convinced it won’t work), but knowing that someone is there helps a lot, and if you can help to remind me to take some time and simply distract myself from the problem, that it might all blow over in a few hours. Sometimes it doesn’t, but most times it does. And to be clear, I still feel upset over whatever problem I was freaking out over! It’s not like I invent new problems on the spot (...usually...), it’s just that there’s no chance of my actually taking constructive steps to solve that problem when I’m really freaking out over it.

- please please please do not give me “comforting” lies. I mean please don’t be an asshole either but harsh truths are simply upsetting, whereas lies or only supporting me out of obligation, just... I can’t even begin to explain what that does to me.

idk who the hell has read this all the way to the bottom, but if you have, thanks for doing so. I would honestly love to make more friends, but please remember that I’m very, very bad at it! It’s not for lack of caring, though. Thanks.

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divinationcentral · 3 years

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Journal.

I have learned one thing in my life: that people will let you down.

If you cannot learn to trust yourself, life will become very hard...

That includes trusting your own decisions good or bad; vice-versa: good & bad lol...

We have to learn, in life, that mistakes are reversible. That bad plans can be turned into experiences that teach us what good or better plans are, and what they look like as they reflect in our lives.

We don’t just give up because we want to, despite how bad we want to.

Perseverance is an art that has not yet matured to its full potential within me...I find myself defeating my own progress, almost daily, if I can be honest.

My habits aren’t constructive. Nothing I do from the moment I get up from when I go to sleep is helpful: I don’t sleep on time, I don’t wake up and eat breakfast or at least have something to drink...Nope. I stay up past a time that I’m supposed to go to sleep, knowing full well that if I sleep, it’s going to provide me the adequate amount of sleep I need to wake up refreshed the next day to do things...

I wake up literally minutes before I have to roll over onto my desk and work.

Did I have time to use the restroom? Nope. Did I have time to kiss my pet Hermes (she’s a birb) in the morning? Nope. Did I make myself breakfast, go over my emails, or even CHECK my personal Email for any good news?

NOPE. I woke up, essentially started my day late, woke up starving and feeling sick to my stomach, and just plunged into the day.

Did I finish it? Yes. Was it to the best of my abilities? No.

I am not, and I don’t let myself be at full capacity.

So...in other words: I have not seen who I am when I am at full potential.

Often I have thought I needed help. And I did. I remember being in a place in my life not too long ago where I needed a crisis intervention (back in September of 2019).

I couldn’t eat properly, I wouldn’t even function through varying day-to-day tasks...Like sleeping, brushing my teeth, even showering was a huge monumental achievement (and it would hurt, my body was sensitive to everything, touch, rest, lack of sleep, exercise, food...). I couldn’t hold a job down, because my anxiety would cause me to break down on a daily basis, crying and freaking out about work loads or people making fun of me.

I had traumatic experiences like losing my job and my boss threatening me. I injured my knee and had surgery and was jobless for 6 months before I could start the road to financial recovery...

In that time, if you’re wondering, what did I do to remedy any of this?

Well - I scrambled. A lot. I sold personal items to make up money I didn’t have for bills I needed to pay off. I had to find my own attorney to help me with a stupid worker’s compensation case I didn’t want to see through but now have to (yes, I am currently still in the thick of it, and that was back in 2019)…I jumped from customer service job to customer service job because I had to (and I still have a customer service role, that pays okay, but doesn’t exactly let me live the life I wanted), and I tried getting help for my mental instability by joining mental health programs and seeing various clinicians and therapists.

I jumped from agency to agency before someone hired me. And before I could even consider a job, I had to go through educating myself and gaining a certificate to seem viable to any of these companies (that was while I was jobless and getting medical help for my knee injury).

In that time I was still trying to heal my injury, and was going from medical facility to medical facility trying to get it to a point where I could have surgery (this took nine months of absolute torture dealing with the insurance company that wouldn’t take responsibility for my injury).

I kept meeting really unstable people who pretended to be my friends to get what they wanted out of me (which was made only very clear when they decided I was all used up for what they needed me to do: which was be an emotional punching bag of sorts, but offer absolutely no commitment or support to me when I needed it - mind you: I was DISABLED physically, emotionally, AND even financially, and I STILL found it in me to help these people - I wasted my time, my money, my resources, my stability, and not at one point did they go: I am so much better off, this person actually needs me, not the other way around).

Why did I entertain these people?

I was so fucking lonely. I had lost all my friends that I had for years because they were terrible for me, and I terrible for them. I spent the loneliest years of my life not talking to ANYBODY. Being in a laborious job that I felt so worthless doing for five/six years. I developed zero social skills, and I feared everybody. I got myself to a point after finishing all my therapy courses and surgery to jump back into that loop again, unfortunately.

I also had a shit relationship with an ex who was emotionally and mentally manipulative. Lied all the time and was inconsistent with me, blamed me for being upset about very valid things. And I continued to have bosses who were either crazy, creepy, or just downright mean.

In none of this tumultuous time did I EVER have a break from advocating for myself or did I ever get the goddamn sleep and rest that I needed (until I was basically blacking out and telling people to leave me alone for just a few moments of my day). It felt like someone was always tugging at me. Saying: Me, me, me - me next PLEASE.

I had to keep saying: STOP. GO FUCK YOURSELF, only when I finally realized what they were doing to me.

That isn’t life.

Every time I sought a few weeks of a break...it was thwarted by the maniacal, cynical people in my life. Throwing their baggage and past experiences onto me.

Either that or my family was creating new freaking life altering moments in them.

It was terrible. I couldn’t find the goddamn respite I wanted.

I never healed emotionally.

Am I happy? No. No, I am still not happy.

I got better at managing practically (like my money and being patient with my financial circumstances, and medical procedures, even dealing with unhealthy and unbalanced people, or bad coworkers, and bad freaking receptionists and doctors...see how its still me adapting to these things though?).

But none of these skills are to the capacity I know I should be in them...I’m not mastering anything. I’m just flailing, trying to get by...

Steps I’m making taking now to turn my life around? I don’t know. I asked myself seriously one day: What are you doing? Are you really even managing? You can’t even cook yourself a week’s long worth of meals. You wake up and you maybe have breakfast and you have lunch if your family made it...

I realized, even though I’m as financially stable as I can be right now, given my current circumstances - absolutely none of it is going towards making me healthy.

I waste it. I still waste my time. I still waste my resources, my energy, and my own patience. I continue to entertain negative or bad people in my life.

Why? I don’t know. What was all that therapy for I wondered lol...and so I keep seeking. Seeking answers to my own instability.

That said, here is what I decided to do about it.

I made a list, and I’m sticking by it:

I’m seeing a psychiatrist. Who is willing to help me figure out the emotional imbalances of what is going on in my head (in terms of chemistry - thankfully she’s really smart lol).

I’m seeing a bunch of other doctors to figure out how to help me with my current medical conditions. One being that I have two fucked up legs/knees now, because the other is compensating for the left knee surgery I had that made me shorter in one leg! Wee...lol.

I’m trying to join a nutritional wellness program, and a massage therapy program so I can just...I just need major improvement there. Both because my digestive issues are bad and my pain management is terrible. I don’t know what to cook for myself because everything makes my stomach react AND hurt (I have leftover issues from a bad infection that could have caused me cancer if I didn’t take the medication to clear it in time).

I blocked and got rid of a lot of negative people. People who just kept pushing their goddamn ideals on me. I’m not you. Stop treating me like I need to fit a mold. I’m fine as I am. I’m happy with who I turned out to be, what I like, and how I spend my time. You don’t need to belittle me to achieve your goals or your dreams. Why not do that to yourself and see how that feels quite frankly - I’m sure you wouldn’t get too far. Why? BECAUSE ITS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE. You continue to waste your time on people when you decide to be petty. And even worse: when you’re petty to yourself. And you throw that crap onto me, because you get tired of treating yourself this way. LEARN. Learn who you are. That’s your responsibility - not mine.

I paid for a really cheap online art class~ it was discounted c: and it’s just to reset my creativity and my passion for doing art~ because I love to draw. <3 I have always loved to draw.

I want to work on a few designs for stickers I’d like to start selling~ and even design my own plushie!

Financially? Idk. I’m still hoping for a miracle lol. But we’ll see. I need my health first. I realized that finally.

What is my point?

I didn’t fail me.

I have never failed me.

I have always picked myself up, did the work, cried about it later, and STILL pushed me to do something.

I still asked myself to achieve, even when I really didn’t want to.

I got up, brushed my teeth, took a shower, and went to all my scary therapy appointments, all of my horrifying doctors visits, and still went to work to get yelled at by people I would never meet who would flat out tell me I was worth nothing.

It took its toll every day - and I still found the strength to do these things. And I kept changing them, by the way.

I kept changing jobs. I kept changing friends. I kept changing my financial circumstances.

I’m finally at a job that allows me more leisure, even if I deal with the one or two petty clients of the day (sometimes its like seven, lets be real lol)…but I learned.

I taught me. People helped. The right ones did, but because I decided who those people were going to be and who or what I wouldn’t tolerate anymore.

END OF STORY.

#personaly #advice #don't let yourself down

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sarahaltmanposts · 6 years

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The Invisible Side Effects

September 10, 2018

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. I’m not talking about God. Or oxygen. Nope, I’m referring to the side effects of chemo.

This week marked the half way point in my chemotherapy treatments. And while there’s a part of me that finds joy in this milestone, I have to admit that mostly, I just feel like crap.

WARNING: Self-pity and wallowing to follow. If you’re not up for it, skip down to paragraph five!

True, the physical side effects of this regiment are so much more tolerable than the first round. There’s just a little peach fuzz left on my head now, barely visible unless you look really closely. My eyebrows and lashes have begun to disappear. I get sores in my mouth and the treatments leave me constipated, which lead to everlasting hemorrhoids. I also have a horrible metal taste in my mouth, so I’m alternately unable to eat and starving. And I have the beginning signs of neuropathy, where my fingers and toes feel like they’re falling asleep and on pins and needles. I am tired. All of the time. HOWEVER, I am able to complete many of my daily tasks, function in the world, and participate. So for that I’m grateful.

But I’ve realized that the physical side effects are only a part of what has been affecting my daily life. There is some serious stuff going on that’s problematic beyond the physical level. Stuff you wouldn’t see if you ran into me at the grocery store. It’s all about my psychological and emotional state. And it can be a bugger.

Ever taken steroids before? I hadn’t. I take a small dose the night before and morning of my treatments to help my body avoid a bad reaction to the chemo. I imagined steroids would make me feel the way I do on antihistamines…you know, that feeling like your blood is racing and you can’t calm it down? But nope, this is very different.

After I seemed to experience no obvious physical symptoms on my first doses of steroids, I thought I’d gotten by with a pass. I was energetic, even jovial. But steroids are a stealthy little devil.

I began noticing I wasn’t sleepy at bedtime. I’d fall asleep for maybe an hour and then be wide awake. But unlike bouts with insomnia, I wasn’t tired. I was alert and ready to keep going. I found myself creating all sorts of spreadsheets with end of year projections, cleaned up the contents on my computer, went through lots of pictures, all in the wee hours of the night. I’d do anything that was relatively quiet. Ok, that’s not so bad. I can deal.

Then I noticed how productive I was during the day. It was like I was working on hyper speed, ultra focused on the task at hand. I’d move from one thing to the next with great sufficiency. My house has never been so clean!

And then I noticed I was much more irritable than normal. I mean… MUCH more irritable. (In all fairness, it took two rounds of taking the steroids for me to notice the pattern. And although I was aware, this MAY have been pointed out to me by someone I love.) I overheard my husband, who’d taken my two boys aside. The conversation went something like this: “Boys, there’s a thing called Roid Rage and your Mommy is probably experiencing some of this, so it’s probably best to give her space for the couple days after her chemo treatment.” It reminded me of the old PMS days when my hormones would throw me into a state of ultra sensitivity to sound, taste, socks on the floor… you know, things that normally don’t put me over the edge.

But the part that has been hardest to deal with is the depression. I’m unsure if it’s the result of the steroids or the chemo drugs, but it is real. I get caught in some downward spirals that I have a hard time battling. And I’m triggered by things that, before I was highly medicated, wouldn’t have bothered me; like our financial situation, my choice to stay home with the boys (see Dark), or even being bald. Suddenly I find myself very self-conscious of the lack of hair on my head. I catch myself in the mirror and I’m stunned at how bald I am! Or I’ll be out in public and am suddenly mindful that I’ve got a scarf covering my bald head. In my right mind, I can get myself out of this type of negative self-talk, but these days it’s much more challenging.

I also find myself focusing on the negative much more than I did before. I’m impatient with friends and family. Intolerant of stupidity. (Well, ok, I was like that before.) And hyper sensitive. I feel lonely on a different level than before too. And there’s a part of me that just wants to be alone to avoid putting my bad mood, energy, stuff on the people around me.

Add to this my weakened physical state, and I have a sense that I’m always one step behind all the things I need to be doing, playing catch up a lot. I’m completing my ‘normal’ activities, getting the boys where they have to be, cooking meals, doing laundry, paying bills, homeschooling my younger son. But things like walking and exercising, that used to make me feel energized now leave me feeling depleted and weak.

Lack of sleep combined with my mental and physical state leaves me feeling unmotivated. To-do lists, which had been easy for me to prioritize and complete in the past, now sit stalled, swirling in my head (or on notes on my computer!). There’s a general fogginess that lingers and complicates clear thinking and it works in direct contrast to the steroids effects, leaving me feeling frustrated.

So on the outside I look normal. But it’s almost like I’m chasing my old life- trying to FORCE myself to be in a place that I just can’t sustain right now.

(My apologies to those who wanted to avoid the wallowing. It snuck in…)

Two weeks before I was diagnosed last March, we’d shared a big plan to take our boys to Disney World in May. The only vacations we’ve taken up until now involved meeting up with family, so this was a big deal. Unable to go then, we re-scheduled to November. But last week I realized that although I may appear to be doing ok, the truth is, I’m just not back to speed yet. The chemo is taking both visible and invisible tolls on me and I just can’t deny that any longer. Having to tell my boys that we would have to postpone this trip…again…nearly broke my heart.

It has been six months since diagnosis. A lot has changed. I’ve got eight more treatments, a surgery and many years of medication still ahead of me. Is it a wonder that I’m having challenges? Maybe it’s time for me to lighten up a bit? Perhaps I’ve set the bar a bit too high too soon? I’m so anxious to get my life back that I’m being a bit unrealistic, pushing myself too fast. When I was an actor, we called it ‘acting as if.’ But I can’t act my way through this one. And honestly, I really don’t want to. I’m too tired. Two more months of this seem insurmountable.

It occurs to me that perhaps I’m still coming to terms with this whole thing. Have I been in denial and this is another level of acceptance? I want to be very careful here because the truth is that I no longer have cancer. It has all been removed through surgery and these treatments are insurance to keep it away. But maybe this is an acceptance to the experience as a whole?

Friends ask how I’m doing and they share that I look good. I’m grateful to be looking healthy, for sure, but it’s not that simple really. It’s the invisible stuff affecting my experience that’s hard to articulate in a polite, concise manner. But I guess the gist is, this cancer stuff is still kicking my butt! And what you may not be seeing is that I am struggling. My body may look fine from the outside, but inside I’m fighting to stay vertical every day. Although the physical has improved, I am still drained and depleted and it takes a tremendous amount of energy to remain positive and functional.

So maybe I could be a little more patient with myself….

I look around and realize that so many people are struggling with their own challenges, both visible and invisible. I feel tremendous compassion and hope that my interactions may change someone’s experience for the better. I’m mindful to be kind to others because I just never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life. And I remind myself to extend the same courtesy to my own experience, as I try to be gentle, patient and kind to myself.

I know my situation is not that special. My challenge these days is just more concrete. But it IS temporary. It will end. And come June of next year, I hope to be in Disney World, celebrating my health, knowing that cancer has come and gone and I am back.

In loving,

Sarah

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 112, July 2018

On Monday morning, I had a job interview for Toll People which are part of the Toll Group, a global logistics company with the nearest office located in Dandenong South. To be honest, I haven’t had much time at all to process this opportunity since receiving the phone call last Friday afternoon from the recruitment consultant, Janella. However, I decided to dive in head first and quickly completed the required online induction and safety modules.

Over the past weekend, my brain has been flooded with many questions: Am I doing the right this pursuing an opportunity that I don’t know much about? Will I be able to fit a new job into my current lifestyle? Will I have to sacrifice and cut out some of my commitments? Will this casual warehouse role be right for me? What if I can’t handle it? What if I don’t enjoy it? All of this boils down to my huge fear of uncertainty and change.

So really this job interview is basically a learning opportunity to grow as a person. To embrace change and take a risk by potentially gaining new employment. The good news is that the ball is basically in my court. If things go pear shaped and it doesn’t sound like the right job for me, then I can always walk away and decline the offer. Also if I can’t seem to make it fit in or becomes overwhelming, the choice will always be there to pull the pin. But at the same time, I do want to give this opportunity a red hot go and see where it takes me. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-ways-to-deal-with-uncertainty/

It’s been over a year since my last job interview so of course I was feeling quite nervous and unsure about it. I wanted to make sure I was prepared enough for it in terms of my attire, presentation, what to bring, questions and answers, my skills and abilities. I normally wear standard business attire to job interviews but this part of the email I received last week suggested I should do otherwise:

“During this testing, you will undergo evaluation designed to identify some risk factors that are associated with your potential employment with Toll. This will include requiring you to provide a written medical history/questionnaire and to answer questions at the interview. This written form of assessment and interview will assist with evaluating your overall physical ability to undertake the inherent physical requirements for intended role. Please wear comfortable clothing that will allow you to undertake this task.”

And so I decided to go with neat casual dress and hoped that was appropriate as I didn’t hear back from the recruitment consultant, Janella, over the weekend. So it was a relief of sorts when I discovered most of today’s interview involved filling out copious amounts of paperwork with everything from my personal details and medical history to identification and police checks, superannuation, tax and banking details. It took me about an hour to get through it all as there was about 20 pages to read, fill in and sign.

The nice thing was that I wasn’t the only candidate applying for work which means less pressure on me. The interview itself with Janella was a lot more informal and brief than I expected. She asked a few routine questions to make sure I was still interested in pursuing a casual warehouse hand position, checked through all the paperwork and that was it really. Part of me is overcome with self-doubt and worries about whether this job is right for me but I’m trying hard to remain mildly optimistic about it.

Of course I was still flustered and exhausted as hell by the end of it but I’m really glad that I made the effort to do this. Even if I’m not successful, at least I can say I tried and did my best. And if it turns out that this job isn’t for me, at least I can say I’ve gone through the interview process and it wasn’t a waste of time. It’s all learning. https://www.tollgroup.com/business-services/recruitment/looking-work

On Monday night, I attended a meditation class at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. Tonight's meditation class hosted by Angelina Morino was based around the theme of HEALING. Being the middle of winter, I usually get very susceptible to colds, flus and various sinus issues plus symptoms like dry mouth, dehydration, sleepiness, muscle tension, physical and mental fatigue and low mood/energy. https://www.aaronpetty.com/meditation/

Ange talked about the fundamental principles of a meditation practice including finding the spaces between thoughts and using the breath as a focal point or anchor. She also discussed how our minds constantly make up stories that aren't necessarily true. This is something I've been continually working on over the years, to let go and dispel of those bullshit claims that my brain is coming up with.

Some of my "stories" include: I am not enough. I don't have any friends. I am weird, boring and uninteresting. Everyone in this room is ignoring me and deliberately excluding me. Nobody likes me. I'm going to be lonely forever. There's something wrong with me. I'm too quiet. I don't speak up enough.

A lot of this comes from how comfortable I am with myself and having self-acceptance. That means accepting every single part of who I am, the good and the bad. It also means ridding myself of things that no longer serve me: negative thoughts, toxic emotions and self-doubt. It's a difficult process for me having severe mental illness but I've got to keep working at it everyday.

Tonight was a great example of why most of the above stories are bullshit. If those things were true, Aaron Petty wouldn't have hugged me on arrival or asked about my job interview today. Angelina Morino wouldn't have said hello, grabbed my props and offered me a muffin. And the other students wouldn't have said hi and acknowledged my existence. I am definitely not alone and I am very much enough. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Tuesday night, I had my YardFIT group training session at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. I was burning the candle at both ends a little today after being out of the house for a total of 6 hours. I did a CX Works group fitness class at YMCA Casey ARC (I can feel my glutes burning) plus a half hour session on the treadmill. The new CX Works release was pretty tough with lots of tracks using the resistance bands and trying to incorporate Pilates movements. I’m surprised I didn’t get tangled up in the bands! I then drove straight to Frankston and parked in the multi-level carpark near Hoyts Australia FRANKSTON. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/classes/cxworx/music-tracklists/

Of course I didn’t really anticipate the school holidays crowds which means more traffic on the road, more congestion, more time needed to find parking, more parents and kids everywhere and a long queue at the candy bar. Thankfully I managed to grab an exclusive Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom dinosaur drink cup with Blue the velociraptor on the top (Yes I’m a dinosaur geek and also love collecting stuff, what of it?). I really enjoyed watching JW:FK a second time even with the kid next door randomly asking me 20 questions before it started. https://www.hoyts.com.au/movies/jurassic-world-fallen-kingdom

PEAK HOUR TRAFFIC! It took me about an hour to get home from Frankston even with some quick decision making in going an alternative route. But inevitably I was going to get stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Of course I forgot about the large round-a-bout on Hall Road. But never mind, I just wanted to get home so I could eat something and have some downtime before going out again.

I was feeling mentally exhausted by the time I got to The Yard and perhaps it was a good thing that I didn’t rush myself to get there by 5.30pm. I was just me and Rodney Millar tonight. We worked on a lot of mobility, stretches and muscle activation through the glutes, hips, hammies and back. To warm up, Mandi Herauville drew from a deck of playing cards and corresponded these to a particular exercise including ring rows, med ball snatches, jabs on the punching bag, burpees, squats, lunges and push-ups.

For tonight’s WOD, we did a modified version of the FILTHY FIFTY. As the name implies, we had to do 50 reps of each of the movements which is very tough. These included: Box Jumps (Step Ups), Jumping Pull-ups, Kettle Bell Swings, Overhead Bar Presses (Med Ball Snatches), Knees to Elbows, Wall Balls, Burpees (Supported with a box) and Double Unders (Single Skips). Rodney and I were both stuffed after just 15 minutes and Mandi knew when to draw the line. https://www.boxrox.com/crossfit-workouts/others/filthy-fifty/

That’s the thing I love about Mandi as a personal trainer and coach. She knows exactly when to back off or modify a workout if things are becoming too difficult and not achievable for the client. She can also be really blunt and direct with a strong “no bullshit” radar but she is always coming from a good place. Even during the final cool down, she reminded us that life can be really tough and we should be proud of our efforts both at the gym and in life.

“I fall into the ocean, I fly into the sky. All my broken emotion is slowly drifting by. The further I go into myself. The more I find, then I find, I need someone else.” Evermore - Into The Ocean (Calling You) (2004)

“Leave the TV on to fill the empty air. Loneliness sinks in, like ink into my skin. Should have seen it all. The climb before the fall. I held to what we shared. But now its disappeared.” Evermore - Come To Nothing (2004)

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