#and midnights even tho she’s been giving me grief

[theamazingannie]

Official prototypes for my friendship bracelets. Might change around the letter beads and a few of the colors due to inventory but overall I’m happy with the results

[rivangel]

You said something about Levi feeling grief at the fullest once he kills Zeke. KEEP GOING PLEASE, IM LISTENING

i love your character analysis, please don’t tease me like that🧎

i think you sent both of these maybe?? hopefully!!! and thank u :D

yess levi did go back by himself to retrieve erwin's skeletonized remains so that he could be laid to rest properly. though in all those other cases, that privildge couldn’t be afforded to him (for hange, isabel+farlan, and his old squad).

i'm thinking about hange's speech to mikasa during midnight sun about what being a scout entails.

"You understand, don't you? Everyone you meet will be parted from you one day. I know it's hard to accept. It's hard to stay sane living like that. It's painful. So painful. I know that. But even so, we need to keep moving forward."

that in mind, it's honestly staggering how levi never lost his mind or ever seemed to even waver despite every single death of a loved one or friend he's experienced - sometimes because of his own choices. the easiest explanation would be that levi simply doesn't feel much for his friends or loved ones - which of course is a joke.

so really, how does levi deal with so much loss?

1: most obviously throughout the series, levi is distanced emotionally - at varying degrees - from every single character in the series. he is never open about his feelings (although he’s earnest and unapologetic in expressing his ideals and convictions). instead he expresses his strong emotions in roundabout twists and turns that he tries to put in an objective lens.

like in his convo with eren after his squad died. levi simply told him that "no one knows how things will turn out" - to reassure eren that he shouldn't dwell on it. in fact what levi doesn't say also matters. he gives off no impression whatsoever that he resents eren or blames him.

levi is also quite liberal with thanks and praise, he's unapologetically himself, but you still couldn't describe him as even remotely the sort of person who wears their heart on their sleeve.

levi keeps himself emotionally distanced, and vigilant to the slightest sign of vulnerability (like eating around others) in order to protect himself from the inevitable pain of loss. as a result he has very few close emotional connections (although he has compassion for everyone).

2: i think that - similar to erwin and hange - levi believes that his dead are watching him from somewhere. except, different from them, he finds comfort in it more than judgment. all his life, either loss or willing abandonment has followed him, so it's really no wonder in my mind that he would believe in some sort of an afterlife to cushion the blow of so much loss. (i understand that an afterlife is confirmed in the manga, but before that, im sure levi believed in it regardless.)

he chooses to believe that his loved ones (but especially his comrades) are always watching him. the reality of that loss then doesn't feel as final, and he doesn't have to feel as much alone.

in fact i think that's where most of levi's strength comes from that he uses to move forward. it's his responsability to carry the hope and will that his comrades died for forward, but it's reassuring for him to believe that they're encouraging him even from death.

that said tho, levi is probably the furthest thing from religious.

3: we know that levi had his mother's dress fashioned into a shirt for a very long time in the underground, and (tho i think it's fan rumor that i just agree with) that he later had it fashioned into the cravat he wears. considering just how little he probably remembers about her in later adulthood, and the fact that she must've literally been his whole entire world when he was a kid, then it makes sense.

we don't know if he kept anything from kenny, although he might have the first knife he gave him. but really it'd be understandable if levi just didn't.

as for his comrades, it's canon that levi collects the wings of freedom patches from their jackets to hold onto. he did the same for petra before he generously gave it away to someone else who was grieving, and lied about who it belonged to to reassure them.

so i believe he has little knacks or keepsakes from people he loves - including stuff that we don't know about in canon.

4: otherwise the way levi deals with death is just... avoiding any and all emotional reminders as much as humanly possible. after erwin died, he never even spoke his name and just used 'he' whenever he spoke about him.

levi buries those negative feelings (especially regret) as deep and dark down as possible. if the pain he feels can't teach him anything (like he referred to in s1), then he's better off not letting himself feel it. in his mind it's probably an automatic coping mechanism to feel absolutely nothing about his griefs, because if he does, then the weight would try to break him.

so that said, he definitely dissociates a lot. i don't bet that his memory is very good either, if you want to get into the psychological side of things.

oh and i go much more in-depth about levi being forced to deal with all his grief at the fullest after zeke dies (specifically after the war ends) here!!!

[blorboclaw]

Seems that some of the recent AUs have been a bit dull for you. I've got two for you.

First, what would happen if Fireheart fell into the gorge during the gorge battle, but doesn't die? Like, he's washed downstream quite some distance from the clans but by some miracle (coughStarClancough) he doesn't die? Removing him from the forest for a considerable margin of time, but not permanently?

OK OK I’m taking it back you can stop putting “dull” in every sentence you adress to me lol.

Fireheart saves Sandpaw, but, he is caught up in his momentum and just falls next to Whiteclaw (killing Whiteclaw off too because frankly we don’t need more variables lol).

A cohort of Starclan ghosts descend from heaven like a cohort of seraphims in order to make his fall less brutal and help him swim or something. He is washed up... (checks map... ok not in the thunderclan territory basins obviously... the other part of the river) south west of the clans, let’s say it’s two weeks worth of walking (with sufficient pauses to rest or hunt) from the clans. I was kinda going to have him restart Skyclan right now but he found them by going north, not south, which is too bad because it would have been funny.

Thunderclan mourns him, especially Sandpaw who was saved by him. Graystripe and Mousefur are given Brackenpaw and Cinderpaw as apprentices. Graystripe, too shellshocked by grief, doesn’t fool around on the ice of the river, fall, get saved by Silverstream. And even if he did, he wouldn’t fall in love with her. Too soon.

Fireheart arrives in the camp half a moon later completely drenched with water and exhausted. Everyone rejoices that he’s there (except the Poss obviously). He didn’t meet Princess.

So this far, we’ve got a two-weeks vacations that gives us:

No Feathertail, no Stormfur and no Cloudtail. Like, ever. He could meet Princess later but she wouldn’t then have known him long enough to give him her first born, and she did it partly because he didn’t have an apprentice anymore with Cinderpaw wounded, and now he doesn’t have any apprentice at all.

He is given Thornpaw later, because in canon it was Mousefur’s apprentice and that Mousefur was Cinderpaw’s mentor in this au.

Sandstorm and him get cozier by the minute. He never guesses that Bluestar is Mistyfoot and Stonefur’s mom because he doesn’t meet Mistyfoot as often (he met her through Silverstream). In the Darkest Hour, Graystripe has no stakes in Riverclan and doesn’t offer to go see if his kits are ok. No need for theatrics and making Stonefur kill the apprentices since there aren’t any. Tigerstar gets the blue siblings killed. Heavystep becomes Riverclan’s new deputy after the battle against Bloodclan.

It’s worth noting tho, that without Cloudtail I don’t think Brightpaw would have become a warrior, and that without Storm and Featherpaw, I generally kill Bramblepaw off during the battle against Bloodclan because instead of five apprentices on Bone’s back it’s only three and so let’s kill one (the most plot-necessary one obviously).

Midnight.

The Chosen Ones are Tawnypelt, Squirrelpaw, Hawkfrost and Crowpaw.

Like in another AU of mine, can’t remember, in which Hawkfrost goes instead of a dead/not born Feathertail, he gets closer to Tawnypelt over their shared blood and talk things out and he doesn’t follow his father later, so he’s a good guy. Squirrelpaw also falls for him because hey she fell for a dark tabby who she travelled with once, she can twice.

Graystripe is taken by the Twolegs during Dawn, and since there’s no Brambleclaw there, Firestar ends up making Brackenpelt his temporary deputy, like he was going to in canon.

No Feathertail means no CrowLeaf. But the Three are born from Squirrelflight and Hawkfrost which is in itself breaking a code. The black one is named after her uncle Tadpole tho, so let’s say Tadpolefur, while the others are still Jay and Lion.

Graystripe comes back with his new mate Millie and has his first kits with her.

Squirrelflight and Hawkfrost talk too often at gatherings and Ashfur grows wary (and possessive). During the fire he confronts her while she has nowhere to go and she admits to everything (he thought he was the father).

Killing ashfur revealing everything Tadpolefur goes in the tunnels and doesn’t reappear. Hawkfrost was deputy in the mean time after Heavystep retired, and isn’t punished by Leopardstar who’s like “not punishing anyone for mixing bloods anymore I’ve done it before it didn’t end well I’m washing my hands of the scandal and he stays deputy”. After that kind of declaration no one can really oppose Hawkfrost without looking like they regret Tigerstar’s era.

Squilf and her sons are constantly proving their loyalty to their clan. Dovewing and Ivypool are born from other warriors since Cloudtail was never in the clan, and are not parents of Firestar. He is starting to worry since he thought Tadpolefur was the third but she’s apparently dead. He asks Starclan about all that. They tell him they’ve got no idea either.

The Erins decide Scourge, Firestar’s half brother (or Ruby or Socks his littermates, or one of Firestar’s littermates apart from Princess, etc), had a son before dying and make that son’s daughter be Daisy, who in turn gave birth to Berrynose, Mousewhisker and Hazeltail then Toadstep and Rosepetal. The Third of the Prophecy is Berrynose, who is revealed ot have always been such a prick because he didn’t take well his sensory issues. Alternatively they make it so Firestar had an affair before he mated Sandstorm, during his two weeks vacations far from the clan after his fall, and had a kit who in turn wandered far from his home and had a kit who was Daisy and Berrynose still is the third of the prophecy.

Tadpolefur/Hollyleaf ends up alive. She cannot face her clanmates and joins Riverclan. In fading echoes Hawkfrost had become leader and so he welcomes her with little worry of Leopardstar refusing her. Hawkstar promises to give her one of Duskfur’s kits (Curlfeather and Podlight) for apprentice as soon as they are of age, in order to keep her in the clan. She tells him about the prophecy and he asks Firestar about all that at a Gathering. Firestar admits to all that there’s a prophecy and some of his clanmates have superpower, including Berrynose. Everyone remembers Berrynose was born a loner, it starts a new fad of letting loners join clans with the hope they have superpowers too.

In the last hope, a desillusioned Darkstripe, Brokenstar, Tigerstar and Mapleshade attack the clans with way less people than before. Hawkfrost kills Tigerstar, Berrynose kills Brokenstar, etc.

Hawkstar has not foxtrapped Firestar which means he doesn’t lose his last life that day. Brackenfur however ends up becoming leader after him. He names Bumblestripe his deputy because he’s Graystripe’s son (and Graystripe was Brackenfur’s mentor) and not a dark forest trainee like Blossomfall.

TL;DR: if a young Fireheart had been washed out of Thunderclan for two weeks, Hollyleaf would have been Hawkfrost’s daughter and Berrynose would have been the third of the prophecy.

[biwindblade]

i only trust u w this question so WHAT are your top kanera songs. no limit whatsoever

oh my gosh this may just be the greatest ask i’ve ever gotten. for starters, here’s the link to my actual kanera playlist that is my absolute pride and joy <3

1. ALL THE STARS by KENDRICK LAMAR & SZA

this is the first track on their playlist and for a GOOD reason. the lyrics in this just work so well. ludwig’s score & the strings in the background also sell that old & new / past & present vibe that kanan and hera both have.

love, let’s talk about love / is it anything and everything you hoped for? / or do the feeling haunt you? / i know the feeling haunt you

+ what goes together better than loving & haunting & kanera? the answer is nothing. they perfected it.

2. IT GETS BETTER by REX ORANGE COUNTY

this one of my favourite lovey dovey songs because it’s written so personally?? it’s talking about a real love & one that makes you in the process a better person and i don’t really think that could fit them any better. kanan just loves her, okay?

she changed the world, i know / and it’s better for it / four years later, and look where we really are / look how far we’ve come / look at us now

+ special points bc it mentions flying too (we’re flying i finally know / I’m here for a reason) & like????

3. LETS GET MARRIED by BLEACHERS

legally i had to put this song bc they’re space married. it’s just so happy???? and honestly, that’s what they deserve and i refuse to believe anything else. i am still on the first stage of grief.

cause we don’t wanna walk alone / or run away / change me at all costs / starlight and star-crossed / take me so breathless / we could be reckless

+ also the line it’s hard enough to love me???? that’s them. no further explanation needed your honour.

4. ¡QUE BONITO! by ROSARIO

so this song is very near & dear to me because latino kanera rights. also the lyrics just about undo me. this is the english translation but the song is in espanõl tho.

that my body doesn't stop noticing / that your soul is always with me / and that, from me, it will never depart

+ it also mentions flying too (how beautiful it would be to be able to fly / and next to you) like hello pilot and her co-pilot who’d follow her anywhere !!!!!!!!

5. COOL ON FIRE by DANIEL JOHNS

this one very much gives me the vibes about them being separated for most of the time from the end of s2 and throughout a lot of s3. like being so in love and having to like. put it to the side out of duty both to kanan’s teachings and hera’s duty to the rebellion.

i get higher / you keep getting better and i’m trying / but i can’t see nothing else / cause together, nothing matters / we’re on fire / cool on fire

+ we love fire symbolism & hera as the cool & kanan as the fire is uh. que rico.

6. IT ONLY TAKES A MOMENT by MICHAEL CRAWFORD & MARIANNE MCANDREW

i like to think about this song as like, right after their first kiss maybe or just like reminiscing about it. idk. it just fits. trust me. i had to put one overly romantic musical theatre song on here so uh. here it is.

and that is all that loves about / and we’ll recall when time runs out / that it only took a moment / to be loved / a whole lifelong

+ to think, it is a love that went beyond one lifetime. i am going to breakdown and cry now.

7. THE MOMENT I SAID IT by IMOGEN HEAP

so, it’s them so i had to add one sad song. this is very much the j*di n*ght song. like kanan KNEW. he KNEW what was going to happen and i personally think hera will think about that for as long as she lives, even when it’s all been forgiven and accepted.

but darling, you’re not thinking straight / suddenly things just happened, we can’t explain / it’s not even light out / but you’ve got somewhere to be / no hesitation, no / i’ve never seen you like this

+ thank u imogen heap for understanding emotions and making it into music so brilliantly. i am hurting.

seven songs for their little crew of seven. hope u like them and my past midnight absolute wild explanations <3

[originalcontent]

Oooookay. Welcome back. Posting about pathologic part 4 I think? Part 4. We just reached Act 4 too, so everything’s going according to schedule. This gaming session had some ups and downs. Ups: That good good lore, and a lot of quality time spent with my good pals Daniil  and Changeling and also Clara apparently, although she might not be my good pal after all, but w/e. Downs: FUuuuUUUUCKkkk we are so bad at video games, and also the kin folk have become A Lot, holy shit. Where to start.

Okay so this time the game wasn’t actually super stressful for me personally bc this time I kind of just handed off the controls to my sister every time shit got dangerous. She’s a lot better at video games than me. Shoutout @akpaley​ for keeping me from dying from stress in real life.

The drawback of this is that since she’s a lot better at video games she’s also a lot more willing to actually take risks rather than just running away from literally everything. Which I won’t deny, has gotten us a lot of much-needed money and resources but also.

WELCOME TO THE FUCKING DEATH SPIRAL PART OF THE GAME. I guess it had to happen eventually, right? Fuuuuuuuck us, do you have any fucking idea how much shit you have to redo when you’re randomly shanked by some dude every fifteen minutes? And they’re harder to fight every time we come back, apparently, and also our health is like permanently half gone? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck why are there not more clocks.

Victor Kain, you were the one who made the clocks?? I could fucking kiss you. I owe you my life. Or like, six hundred of my lives. Hhh.

Okay, seriously though, the clock lore is actually kind of sick. Victor told us that they’re smaller versions of the cathedral, and we were like “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THaT’S WHerE wE RESET THE GaME IN THe PROLOGUE!!!!!!! METAPHYSICS!!!!!!!!!” The Kains are so cool.

(Maria Kaina got infected tho. Sorry, you. :( Although technically that happens later.)

Um, we gave the rest of our shmowder to Khan. We’re out now. We’ve been looking for more but haven’t found anything.

Also we made a random potion, and the plague showed up and was like “fuck you,” and I was like “damn, calm the hell down, you’re the one fucking killing people.”

Met with the Saburovs more. They were like “we have another suspect!” and I was like “yeah they probably don’t but w/e” and my sister was like “they’re in an infected land and we should probably save their lives” and I was like “why do we care about helping the Saburovs again, literally all they do is accuse random people of killing my dad, the Kains are obviously the best family, we should just be throwing in with them” and she was like “that’s not all they do, they also run the guards, you know those guys who patrol plague districts?” and I was like “okay fuck you’re right let’s visit them” and it turns out that that there was actually some super cool lore pertaining to the town’s mistresses. Also, god if they don’t have some cool reflections. I love everything about this town’s history.

Afterwards we randomly decided to visit Yulia for literally no reason, and she was like “I’m glad you’re here, I have a lot of super heavy important shit to discuss with you about the Inquisition that will be here tomorrow, it sure is convenient that you’re in my neighborhood for some reason even though I live in an incredibly inconvenient location?” Also she knows something about the nature of Artemy, Daniil, and Clara-or maybe the Changeling but she called her Clara? Oh yeah, Daniil was there too for some reason. Poor guy, I don’t think he’s okay. He cried on my shoulder a lot, he was endearingly open and earnest and for once I felt bad about the dialogue options wherein Artemy throws shade.

And then Clara happened to be standing outside literally right then? I wonder if that was going to be a big quest location and we just happened to arrive right before the game told us to go there anyway. I think that’s it actually. We’re so good, damn. Clara keeps pulling shit and then immediately trying to reconcile and asking for help. I really like her, but we really shouldn’t be trusting her right?

Oh Murky was also there and she set up a meeting between us and her “friend” and that night we went and Clara and Changeling were both there and I’m so confused???? What is her deal? But!! Changeling facilitated a deal between me and the plague! And Murky is now off the hit list!!!!!!!!!! Does this mean she’ll live? Anyway the plague started talking to us, and our infection rose a bit in an unhealable way, and, dumbasses that we were, said “wow this is probably all just the natural consequence of the bargain we made. Guess there’s literally nothing we can do to address this.” (Spoiler: That is not the case, the cost of the pact was literally just that we became infected and would have to cure it with fire before it killed us. We figured that out eventually, I promise.)

Fast forward to the next day after we finish the day’s entire fucking plotline, when we have done literally nothing so our infection’s increased a shit ton and it starts actually killing us. And since we only have like half our potential health bar from getting killed so much, we literally can’t survive long enough to treat it. We run around trying to cure ourselves and die like ten more times before we finally accept that we just have to go back in time to before the infection was this bad, try to get cured immediately, and redo the whole day. There’s a whole fucking skeleton out by the theatre by now btw. Fucking death spirals. This play session took a long fucking time okay?

Alright, flash backward again. After talking with Changeling, we visit Stakh because after rescuing him twice in a row he promised we could talk. We go to his house and he’s sleeping, or maybe just pretending to sleep, but either way Artemy has the absolute sweetest little monologue, just talking to him, and so much has happened but I can tell there’s still a lot of tenderness there between them even if it’s buried deep, and it’s just such a soft scene against such a harsh story.

Guess who’s dead by morning.

The next day Aglaya showed up and was like “see me immediately,” so obviously we visit Capella and then town hall first off. Daniil’s there, he bitches to me about Aglaya for a bit. So cute, we really are friends. I promise to help him with corpse duty bc Capella wanted me to visit Grace anyway. We talk to the official people at the official desks, one is collecting babies, one is giving me some lunch money as a very good reward for being a very good little surgeon, and one is telling me that actually money is illegal now but here are some free coupons that actually are too cheap to buy anything with.

Aglaya is the woman from the prologue! Hhhh things are really building to a point, aren’t they. I wonder how Yulia knows her. But damn, the whole village was out there waiting to meet with her weren’t they.

I made a deal with the rat prophet to clear some space in the graveyard so Grace would be okay. Dunno what will come of that. I’ve been seeing him everywhere lately though.

I met with Oyun and gave him my dad’s house. I met with Aspity and was like “did you kill Stakh” and she gave me some vague shit, and in general I am very upset at the kinfolk right now but I tried to save them anyway. Went to the termitary and did the whole termitary thing. Wow that sure is a place, right? God, have I ever mentioned how much I love all the screaming soundtracks  in this game.

Damn, Taya’s whole child queen vibe is unsettling.

The whole termitary is horrible, and what the kin folk have been put through is horrible, but their obsession with blood and strength legit terrifies me. I’ve spent all my time until now trying to convince everyone that they aren’t bad, and that they aren’t to blame for the disease, but now they want to kill? And they really really really want me to be a killer too. And the whole thing with Taya is creepy as fuck too, she’s just a kid. Anyway, we’re sending Vlad the older to them, I don’t know whether he or his son deserves to be torn apart more, but Changeling was really upset at the idea of Vlad the younger going there, so I guess we’re backing her. We run all around town making sure the right Olgimsky is going, and then we realize we actually have a few hours left so we take a hospital shift too! And then we die of disease like six times.

Okay, flash forward again, we’ve gone back, gotten some guy to molotov cocktail us, redone the entire termitary thing, saved the game on Vlad’s clock after sending him to his doom (sorry dude). That’s where we’re at currently.

(Only it’s not actually, we went back and spent like an hour going back and forth between the termitary and Oyun again trying to deal with their shit, and everyone was like “murder all dissenters :D” and I was like “what the fuck” and the day was almost over but then a dude stabbed us and we randomly died, and none of these places had clocks, so at that point we were basically like “yeah it’s after midnight, let’s just call it quits.”)

Anything else......oh, the warehouses are at risk again. Notkin and Sticky, what would I do if anything happened to them. I hope my medicines are good enough, I gave some to Bad Grief too but now all there really is to do is wait. :(

Oh, I once again have thoughts on how fucking theatrical is it that everything in the game is simultaneously literal and metaphorical, it’s gorgeous, and have I mentioned the costuming choices for the Orderlies and the Plague, hhhhhhhh, not to say anything nice about Mark fucking Immortell, but he knows what he’s doing with this thing. Listen if this post weren’t already way too long I would just gush about the theatrical elements again, but sadly it is too long.

Okay, that was our latest session! We’ll be back either very soon or in like three weeks.

[feather-dancer]

Which of your fics…

I got tagged for this by @dreamsarelikedragonflies​! I’m gonna stick to my Tales of Arcadia fics for this so nobody has to suffer the old that happened pre the big writing gap I had.

…did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got:

It was a bit of a long shot particularly given it was the first thing I’d written proper in ages that’s public but probably Masks We Wear, Lies We Share. Character centric fics that don’t follow the lead of a franchise always are hit and miss and this had an extra handicap in being the form of the general goings on than “Here’s the plot hurtling away” but alas! It’s set when it is because of the UK cuts on the TV version and this was the easiest way to work around knowingly having holes in my knowledge.

…is your funniest:

Humour for me is not something I can specifically write for, it’s more incidental ( “Oh I swear he better just be on moral support right now or he'll catch these hands holding a warhammer”) though I will admit I do love how Cat with the canary and the last line of Trolls, fried chicken and walnuts came out in the drabbles.

…is your darkest/angstiest:

Ghosts he left behind 100%. The chapter I’m working on right now has Toby trying to come to terms with loneliness and the not knowing and one of those moments which is gonna hurt the reader more I’ve been plotting since January is coming too :D Grief and loss in forms other than death seems a very common thread in this thing not to mention thoughts keep turning back to Draal as nobody got a chance to reconcile with what happened before everything went off the rails.

…is your absolute favorite:

I’m gonna say Presence, elegance, an unmistakable dominance - Nomura because when Maestro came on shuffle I immediately burst out cackling as what the hell. Though I’m always biased for changeling banter at the best of times.

…is your least favorite:

I’d say one of the ones I’m writing right now that has been a constant fight to get the right vibe going because it’s an AU but not if that makes sense? It’s not that it’s bad by any stretch it’s more it feels like I’m wading through treacle trying to get the words to fit together right and the frustration gets to me. It WILL be done but it’s being defiant to the letter.

…was the easiest to write:

In a mystery to everyone including me, How to bond in the Darklands kicked down the door and essentially decided to exist over the space of 48 hours plus edit time. Second would go to the AU I’m writing right now as uh:

This was started just before midnight on freaking Saturday and it’s STILL trucking nicely.

…was the hardest to write:

Savouring Memories. I have very particular thoughts on grieving and moving because of my own experiences of being left adrift so often which I know aren’t shared by many so trying to write it in a way that can make sense to outsiders AND keep it in character woof.

…has your favorite line/exchange/paragraph (share it):

Shall I pick from the files I’m currently working on as a treat? No context nor which file I’m pulling these from to help keep the mystery going :)

Somehow this manages to be translated into stuffing him under her arm with an elbow tucked under his chest for support, his annoyance only grows when the opportunity is snatched for a photo to commemorate his brand new status as a living scowling handbag.

~

"Sounds more like an elaborate ruse to me, are your manners really that scarce?" She hisses back, refusing to move herself from the flickering warmth that is gradually returning the energy lost from her attempts to find a single door that would let a lone lady in from the weather. He lets out a hum in return, putting a mark in the book to properly give all his attention.

"No no, my words are as innocent as can be! If you are at all willing to indulge and trust my intentions are as so I can even prove it right now. All it will require is the lady's hand, if I may? I will not judge if you refuse." The hand is offered like it is there to tempt her with a form of devil's deal. She is clearly not impressed even before a reaction is snapped back a little louder than intended causing a few curious glances their direction.

"Do you honestly believe that you are so charming that you could speak a few honeyed words and have me at your beck and call? Sir, I must inform you that you are highly mistaken."

~

Deliberately eating slower to extend his break some more it is only after the final fry is devoured that Douxie checks his phone again for a reply to find he'd been sent an eyes emoji and there is not a force on earth that coulda wiped the stupid grin off his face.

One thought, well why not have a crack at it anyway?

~

"You do realise, Nomura, we wouldn't even be having this problem if you weren't quite so nosy, hm? Be thankful I gave you plausible deniability."

"Not my fault that's where all the best fun and or blackmail material comes from, is it?" She snipes back placing the tidied blankets to her side for whoever decides to deal with them because it certainly will not be her.

"Your domestic tiff sounded interesting who am I to ignore it."

…have you re-read the most:

Can’t say I tend to reread my own stuff except when I’m double checking something for a future chapter which hilariously happened last night actually as I somehow forgot in the space of a couple of hours Douxie grumbling about Latin. Everything goes through multiple proof read edit runs tho with the exception of drabbles. Ghost!AU Chapter 2 took AGES being such a beast of a chapter to run over it a few times.

…would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time:

I’m gonna say Ghosts he left behind because it’s an actual chaptered thing that deviates from canon and gives you a good idea about my angst loving heart that seems to infect everything I write.

…are you most proud of:

Ghosts he left behind again! While it suffered and languished round the same time my mental health took another bad turn it’s been a consistent thing even when I could do little more than adjust the spreadsheet or chuck in a handful of words. The third chapter is nowhere near content complete but it HAS started moving again when I’m not completely sidetracked by other things which feels like a small victory you know? I love AU’s at the best of times and it let me alter one canon plot line a tiny bit just to see what would happen and take other people along for the ride because while I know the big story beats prior, when we hit the Eternal Night your guess is good as mine.

Tagging anybody who’d like to!

[starfleetdoesntfirefirst]

(Discovery Season 3 Episode 4 “Forget Me Not” Spoilers)

Greetings disco friends, here is my attempt at a fix-it fic.

What I mind most of all was them showing his graphic death scene, whether it’s partially-temporary or completely-temporary, after doing the same with Hugh and Michael’s then-death scenes. As far as the future of Gray's plotline goes (this season and into the next, since we know the actor is filming Season 4), I think there's a chance (especially given that GLAAD was helping them write the storyline) that he'll be completely brought back from the dead like Hugh and a chance that he won't be brought back fully but rather will continue to hang around noncorporeally like he's doing now. But either way, as with Hugh and Michael's graphic then-death scenes, that doesn't change the fact that they showed that in this episode.

I think I've reached the point of hard 'no’ on continuing to watch the show myself. (Though of course I completely support y’all in watching or not watching the show, as works for you!) And I’ll still be around here, writing fic based on Season 1 through to this episode.

Also, I’m currently brainstorming ways to put something affirming into the fandom this season while not watching, since I won't be writing fix-it ficlets and…obviously I know no one ~depends~ on my fix-it ficlets, but this community means a lot to me and I guess I want to feel like I'm putting something into the fandom even as I'm (aside from continuing to make content for older season stuff) walking away, if that makes sense? (Maybe some book giveaways of sci-fi books with trans characters, tho that may or may not work logistically/financially, or something like that.) Please let me know if you have suggestions! <3

Dreampt Of More Things

Other, F/F, M/M | Teen And Up | Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 2,600 words

ao3 link in a reblog since Tumblr still seems unpredictable about when posts with links are allowed in the tags

and/or, full fic + tags here:

Tags – Jett Reno, Jett Reno’s Wife, Michael Burnham, Hugh Culber, Ellen Landry, Philippa Georgiou (original Captain version), Adira Tal, Paul Stamets, Gray Tal, Sylvia Tilly, Tracy Pollard Adira Tal/Gray Tal, Jett Reno/Jett Reno’s Wife, Ellen Landry/Amna Patel, Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets Grief (Ellen’s) and mentions of Lorca, no serious injury since again we are sidestepping that but very brief description of Adira’s joining surgery, Gray Tal Lives, Jett Reno’s Wife Lives, Philippa Georgiou Lives

Note: This is not an Amna Patel Lives universe (Ellen Landry’s fiancée from Star Trek Online), as I am Making A Point about how no, it’s not that queer stories about loss and grief are bad or that I personally don’t want to write/read them; it’s about context, and how many characters have died over the course of your franchise, and the nature of your franchise, and what to portray versus not portray onscreen (in the context of your show), and how you’ve advertised your characters, and reading the room.

***

“Burning the midnight oil, huh?”

Jett looks up as Michael steps closer to her workbench in the corner of Engineering, raising an eyebrow, as Michael had known she would.

“Here to check my work on your outfit, Commander?” she asks, laconically, before bending her safety-goggled face back to her work.

Michael grins despite herself as she pulls out a chair opposite Jett. “I’m entirely confident in your work, Commander.”

“So you’re here to pester me because…?”

“Because I’m curious to see the work-in-progress. And, more importantly, because I ran into your wife on her way to turn in for the night, and she told me to tell you that she’s taking you out on a fantastic date when all this is over.”

“Where’s she think she’s gonna scare up a place to go out on any kind of date in the ass-middle of the 32nd century?”

Michael grins again. “I think it was a ‘looking for a way to take my wife on a fantastic date and if I cannot find one I will create one’ kind of thing.”

“Yeah, that tracks.” Michael can hear the smirk in Jett’s voice as she fiddles with the wiring on the angel suit’s chestplate.

“Don’t stay up too late, Commander,” she says as she stands. “We’re still gonna need you on shift tomorrow.”

Jett grunts in acknowledgement, and Michael smiles as she walks past the spore cube and towards her quarters for the night.

***

“How are you doing with all this, Landry?” Hugh ventures, after a few days of deliberation, when he and Ellen have a quiet moment alone together at the end of a meeting.

Ellen takes a minute before answering, dropping a PADD into her bag. “One of my security lieutenants said it seemed implausible that we’d be able to find a way to send Burnham back in time, once again, especially with the way the Burn affected ability of the time crystals on Boreth to interface with the suit even if we are granted one.”

Hugh raises an eyebrow and waits, silent.

“I told her that if she thought implausible was going to stop this crew, she must've not been paying attention to half the weird shenanigans they’ve pulled off.”

Hugh smiles wryly. “‘More things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy,’” he quotes.

Ellen gives him a look, and he holds up his hands in surrender. “Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around this ship’s surprisingly high number of Shakespeare fans.”

“And we’ve already dreamt of more things, haven’t we?” Ellen asks simply, pausing and leaning a hip against the table. “At this point, it’s just a matter of choosing philosophies.”

High raises an eyebrow again. “That's an interesting way of looking at it, Commander.”

Ellen folds her arms. “Yes, thank you, I am a font of excellent observations, at least when I’m not busy misreading dipshit captains and making the worst choices in the universe. You can stop giving me the sympathy look, by the way.”

Hugh watches her, silent.

“Yes," she tells him in a sing-song voice, "I have in fact experienced one or two emotions while helping prepare for a mission to bring someone back from the dead and knowing I can never bring my own fiancée back.” Her tone drops back to a flat command. “The only person in my, this, situation who actually deserves your sympathy is Amna, and she’s not here to receive it. You’re a busy man; you’re needed all over the place. Go do something clever and medical somewhere.”

Hugh watches her for a moment longer before he says simply, “I’m so sorry. For your loss.”

“Don’t. No.” Ellen’s voice is firm, though without rancor. “Those words are not for me. I am not a good widow. Do you understand that? Instead of honoring my fiancée in any substantive way, I went off and got manipulated by some dipshit. And what’s worse, if it hadn’t been for the manipulation and the secretly evil part, I might not have ever figured out to regret it. Do you understand that? Can you understand that? You’re a good person. Your partner is a good person. Do you know what it is to not just not be able to save her but to get even grieving wrong?”

For a long moment, Hugh considers what to say.

“I think your actions in helping Lorca were wrong,” he says. “I don’t think it’s possible to grieve wrong.”

Ellen, eyes dubious, grunts in a way that could be dismissal, acknowledgement, or something in between.

“Take care, Commander,” Hugh says quietly, heading for the door.

He is nearly in the hallway when Ellen speaks.

“This is part of hers.”

Hugh pauses, turning to face her again. “Hers--?”

“Amna. This mission would have been part of her philosophy.” Ellen’s lip twitches in what could be the shadow of an exhausted smile, voice still blunt and the expression in her eyes still characteristically direct. “Without question.”

***

When Georgiou returns from Boreth, she discovers that Adira has slipped down to the shuttle bay to meet her.

“How did it go?” they ask, hesitantly, eyes wide with some unknown emotion.

“Successful,” she tells them, as the two of them make their way out of the bay together. She pats one strap of her pack. “We now have a time crystal.” Given that Gray’s life rests on having a crystal to power the suit, it’s unsurprising that Adira has been worried.

“No, I mean—I knew you’d be able to do it,” Adira tells her, as if this is obvious, a trust and confidence in their eyes that makes Georgiou’s heart ache. “But, I just, I do talk with the rest of the crew, and they talked about how Pike was so f—messed up by whatever he had to go through to get the crystal, like it was really really…bad. And I just—” They stare at their feet as they walk, sneaking a quick glance sideways at Georgiou. Georgiou knows she probably looks like shit. “If I’d never come to this ship, you wouldn’t have done that for Gray. For us.”

Georgiou stops walking, turning to face Adira, and Adira watches her, their face pinched and anxious.

“Listen to me, Adira.”

Adira nods.

“This might not be something you fully, truly understand until you’re an adult yourself, but when kids are hurt or in danger, it’s us adults' job to protect you. That’s one of the most important parts of being a caring adult Human. Caring adult person,” she corrects herself. “Maybe the most important thing.”

Adira nods uncertainly.

“Saving Gray is the most important thing right now,” Georgiou says gently, as the two of them resume walking. “To all of us. You arriving on this ship was a very, very good thing for so many reasons, Adira. Saving him is one of them.”

“And that’s a go, Burnham!” comes Paul’s voice in Michael’s ear, and she launches herself upwards from Discovery’s stationary hull, the soft interior padding of the red angel suit once again surrounding her as she hovers in space, programming her coordinates.

“Jump commencing in thirty seconds,” she reports.

“Take good care, Commander,” Paul says, his voice gentle in her ear against the silent cushion of the vacuum around her.

“I will.”

A pause of a few seconds. “Adira says ‘good luck.’”

Michael can picture the two of them as they were when she flew out of the shuttle bay, Paul standing at his portable console in the shuttle bay's cobbled-together mission control, one arm around Adira.

“Tell them—” Michael swallows. “Tell them thank you. Tell them that I’ll—tell them that we’ll be back soon.”

“I will.”

The countdown completes, and Michael falls forward into a bright shower of instants.

***

Outside the generation ship, Michael shifts reality out of the timeline with a wave of one Jett-Reno-enhanced suit hand, glancing at the two figures inside the viewport in front of her before tractoring the asteroid off its course. After confirming its trajectory away from the ship, she punches the personal transporter on her chest, materializing inside.

Gray and Adira startle, each making as though to stand protectively in front of the other.

“I mean you no harm,” Michael says quickly. “And you’re both going to be safe. I am going to make sure of that. My name is Michael Burnham, and the next year is going to be very difficult for you, Adira,” she continues, feeling the words tumble from her lips as quickly as she can say them, “but I want you to know that when that year is over, you’re going to see Gray again. Gray,” she says, holding out the unpowered exoskeleton of a second timesuit, “I need you to put this on and come with me.”

Gray steps closer to Adira. “What? No, I—”

“Your name is Gray Tal, and your last name was Senna Tal, and when he was a child his favorite thing to do was to read books to his collection of plush tribble toys,” Michael says.

Gray’s eyes widen. “That’s—“

Michael continues, rattling off former Tal host facts as quickly as she can, before explaining, also as quickly as she can, about the asteroid they’ve just seen her deflect, and the symbiont, and the Discovery.

“Adira needs to have the symbiont,” she explains, “in order not to cause a time paradox. But the modified time crystal in my suit will allow me to shift you—” she nods at Adira—“back into the real timeline in time for the medbots to give you the symbiont. I just need to do it at exactly the right time, so that Gray doesn’t actually die, and you snap back just as the medbots are holding the symbiont.” Do medbots hold things? Hover them? Whatever; she’s getting the point across. And Gray is putting the suit on.

“Luckily, my amazing crewmates have worked out all the timing,” she continues, “so I just need to transport us back outside and then snap the timeline back to the right instant. And, yes, there will be two Tals in the galaxy when you see each other again and I’m sure that will make things very interesting. Ready to go?”

She holds out a hand, and Gray takes it. “I love you, Adira,” he says, as Michael reaches for the transporter.

“I love you too—” Adira says, and Michael and Gray reappear meters away in space. Adira is standing watching them, and standing watching them, and then with a motion of her hand Michael slams them back into the timeline and Gray puts a hand to his mouth over his suit visor as he watches the medbots complete the surgery and place a blanket over Adira, flying the newly-joined Human slowly away down the hallways and out of sight.

“You’ll see them again,” Michael whispers, “in just a minute.”

“Them?” Gray sounds puzzled.

Oh, right. Well, in just moments, there will be ample time for explanations. “Adira. You’ll see Adira, who’s going to be so very, very happy to see you. It will have been a year,” Michael adds, as she pulls up the angel suit controls, “and Adira is going to be so glad to see you again.”

They fall forward into sparking and sparkling time together, and all at once they’re dropping back into the timeline, floating easily in the vacuum in front of Discovery’s shuttle bay.

“Ready?” Michael asks.

Gray nods. “Yeah. I mean—of course I’m ready. I’m ready.”

Michael smiles, floating them into the bay as the forcefield ripples obligingly to let them enter and landing them both on the smooth floor, steadying Gray as his feet make contact.

“Gray?”

Adira is pressing their own hand to their mouth as Michael and Gray release the visors on their suits, and then they take a step toward him, staring as though they don’t quite believe he’s real.

“It’s me,” Gray says quietly, smiling nervously at them. “I’m here.”

This appears to be all the encouragement Adira needs to dash forward, wrapping their arms around him. He hugs them back, eyes closed as he buries his head against their shoulder. Adira is smiling and crying at the same time.

“I’m here,” he whispers to them again.

Michael steps away from the two of them, leaving them to it, and Sylvia hurries forward to wrap her arms around her. “Welcome back, Michael,” she says.

Michael hugs her for several long seconds before releasing her to accept a hug from Philippa and then a pat on the back from Paul as Tracy steps forward to scan her with a medical tricorder. “No adverse effects of the jump,” she reports, smiling.

Hugh is stepping over to do the same for Gray as Gray and Adira finally—though, Michael suspects, temporarily—pull apart. Paul echoes his motion, heading for Adira and rubbing their back before wrapping a supportive arm around their shoulder as Hugh reports that Gray is fine as well and the two teenagers grin exhaustedly at each other.

Michael watches the four of them for another moment, smiling, before turning to glance at the place where Ellen stands at her own console, studiously powering it down. Her eyes flick up just briefly toward the reunion in front of her before she lowers her gaze again, turning and slipping out the doors of the shuttle bay. Michael catches Tracy’s eye, and the two of them walk after her as Sylvia steps over to power her and Paul’s consoles down in turn and Philippa begins the process of packing the rest of mission control up.

***

At 20:00 hours in an undisclosed location on the starship Discovery, Jett’s wife leads her, eyes closed and complaining happily, into a room that has been decorated to a degree that resembles an explosion in a paper snowflake factory, while a few decks up on the bridge, Philippa settles into the captain’s chair for the night shift. Tilly climbs into bed, pulling out her PADD with its book on 30th century Earth, and at the table next to the viewport in Discovery’s rec room, Michael and Tracy sit beside Ellen in silence, keeping her company in her complicated grief. Hugh hums to himself while he brushes his teeth, and Paul yawns as he finishes slipping on his pajamas, stepping forward as Hugh sets his toothbrush back in its holder and wrapping his arms around him, humming deliberately off-key. He garners an eye-roll for his trouble, and two decks down, Gray and Adira sit in Discovery’s mess hall, gazing into each others’ eyes as Adira lapses into silence after explaining how Paul found them in the Jefferies tubes in orbit over Earth.

“You’ve had so many adventures all this time,” Gray says, grinning. “Adira Tal.”

Adira half laughs, shrugging one shoulder. “I guess so.” They look up at him. “I think my adventures are about to get even weirder, Gray Tal.”

Gray grins again. “You know, I didn’t think I or anyone I know was ever going to have the chance to visit the pools. What was it like?”

“Yes, I suppose you would have to ask me what it’s like, since it’s one of the memories we don’t share,” Adira comments with a mischievous grin of their own.

Gray laughs, shaking his head, and they beam at each other in shared exhaustion and confusion and joy as Adira begins their story and the Discovery floats onward through the night.

[winky-the-alcoholic-elf]

85 Questions

I was tagged by @defiled-diadem  :) 

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

tagged: @doitforgranger @floral-print-punk @libertysir @looneybeth @susanbone @sansaslays @malchiex @jujuoh @miltank-tittymilk @boobpunch   (optional obviously and if y’all want me to never tag you in anything again let me know) 

THE LAST

1. drink: cold apple cider  2. phone call: my dad  3. text message: my co-facilitator for a grief support group 4. song you listened to:  the chain, fleetwood mac 5. time you cried:  y’know that post that talks about crying once every six months for like 5 min? that’s me. I think i had my two seconds of tears like two or three weeks ago, so i’m good for awhile 6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: i mean i guess? more like i regretted it much much later  8. been cheated on: yeah 9. lost someone special: Yeah a few people. hence become a grief group facilitator 

10. been depressed: i have chronic depression. 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: once. i had like a shit ton of vodka but it was mixed with stuff and it came up pink and i was blacked out but for some reason i remember that so like i just have this super vivid memory of barfing with zero context 

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12.  purple, any shade but more blueish hues, not pinkish ones 13. maroon 14. turquoise. and orange. i can’t pick three when i have four faves.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: i don’t think so?  16. fallen out of love: that’s complicated  17. laughed until you cried: i have no idea if in the past year, but i’ve def done that in my life a lot 18. found out someone was talking about you: if you count my roommate talks to herself and one time i heard her say “she’s still in bed” and there’s a 99% chance that she was talking to herself about ME, then yeah  19. met someone who changed you: in the last year? i don’t think so.  20. found out who your friends are: i feel like that question is very middle-schooler-who-thinks-they’re-grown  21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yeah? lots of people? p sure there’s only one person i’ve kissed that i’m NOT fb friends with and that’s because i de-friended that person. still friends with their mom though. just bc i feel weird defriending her. susan didn’t do anything wrong?

GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life:  99.9% 23. do you have any pets: sadly, no 24. do you want to change your name: nah. it’s not my favorite name in the world but like i’m not my favorite person in the world so it all works out in the end  25. what did you do for your last birthday: tbh i don’t even remember. i probably got drunk w/ friends? i turned 22 it’s not a big deal birthday  26. what time did you wake up: like 10:30  27. what were you doing at midnight last night: homework  28. name something you can’t wait for: the sweet release of death 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like three weeks ago 31. what are you listening to right now: spotify, my playlist is called from tosca to tupac. it’s p great, i have pretty much every genre except modern country and christian rock covered 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: a few 33. something that is getting on your nerves: at this exact second? i’m bloated and i can’t fart bc my roommate is home. 

34. most visited website: tumblr probably. sadly.  35. hair colour: dark brown. kinda has some red in it, in the sun. 36. long or short hair: very long.  37. do you have a crush on someone: this girl who works at panera. i just know her by sight but like she’s hot and her name is andy and every time i have to give her my order i get all quiet and squeaky and she probably thinks i’m a freak 38. what do you like about yourself: you’re not my therapist why are you making me do this? but okay i’ll say my compassion for others. 39. want any piercings: i can barely remember to wear earrings often enough to prevent my holes from closing so no i’m good 40. blood type: no idea 

41. nickname: cizzo 42. relationship status: single and basically allergic to mingling  43. zodiac: libra 44. pronouns: she/her/hers 45. favourite tv show: Brooklyn nine nine, buffy the vampire slayer, Go On, and sense8 46. tattoos: None, sadly 47. right or left handed: left 48. surgery: nope 49. piercing: just the standard ear lobes, if they haven’t closed up which they probably have 50. sport: i’m a pro at tripping over my own feet  51. vacation: what about vacation??? i’ve been to 46 states bc my dad’s a nerd. and 4 canadian provinces. i honestly would be fine never travelling ever again tho. i know that’s super odd, i’m just a homebody. staycation for the win. 52. pair of trainers: i have one pair of cheap gym shoes from target that i wore for my job at target and also for camp but otherwise i’m not a gym shoe kinda person

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: nothing currently. i had mashed potatoes for dinner. 54. drinking: apple cider 55. i’m about to: watch buffy the vampire slayer. i’m re-watching it and currently in season 3 56. waiting for:  me to get my shit together 57. want: to live alone 58. get married: probably not. that would kinda kill my whole living alone thing 59. career: trying to graduate college so i can get a masters so i can get a licence so i can be a social worker

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: neither  62. shorter or taller: so vague  63. older or younger: for dating? the same age 64. nice arms or nice stomach: who/cares/ 65. hook up or relationship: neither  66. troublemaker or hesitant: irrelevant 

HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: i don’t think so 68. drank hard liquor: oh honey. yes.  69. lost glasses/contact lenses: only for like 5 min at a time 70. turned someone down: yes 71. sex on the first date: no...? i guess  72. broken someone’s heart: i dunno  73. had your heart broken: it’s complicated  74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: not immediately but i have cried about dead people, yes.  76. fallen for a friend: i guess? not like while in the friend stage 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: that’s a loaded question i’m trying to answer in therapy 78. miracles: no? i guess not? i dunno  79. love at first sight: no i really don’t  80. santa claus: i am a fully grown adult  81. kiss on the first date: sure? this isn’t something you can “believe” in but like if you’re asking if i’m chill with the idea of someone doing that then yeah, get it friends 82. angels: no, but when i was little i sure as fuck did. i used to have /conversations/ with my dead sister thinking god must’ve been omnipotent only by having angels watching over different parts of the earth so i thought on mondays my sister was watching my part of the earth and i’d talk to her on monday nights. i’ve learned that’s apparently somewhat normal for grieving kids but like it sounds fucked up and i’m pretty fucked up as a person so i didn’t realize that could be normal 

OTHER 83. current best friend’s name: i have a few 84. eye colour: brown 85. favorite movie: i dunno dude

[kokoro4kakashi]

Get to Know Me!

Tagged By @do-you-even-kakashi​ :)

Rules : Answer these 92 statements and tag however many people you want

THE LAST : 1. Drink : water, it’s like 90+ here. (i am dying) 2. Phone call: the vet, prolly... 3. Text message: meh bf *heart eyes* 4. Song you listened to: Hah, does the like 30 second video that GassyMexican on youtube puts up when he’s streaming count? Cuz that diddy sticks in my head for daaaays. I love it. ♫ I am live streaming. You should go there - and watch it. I am live streaming. You should go there - and watch it. ... ♫ 5. Time you cried: Eh, sometime earlier in the week cuz I miss my brother.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice : Nupe. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Nupe. 8. Been cheated on: Nupe. 9. Lost someone special: Yup. 10.Been depressed: Yup                                                                                   11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope, don’t drink. Not the annoying righteous ‘I do not drink’, but more the ... ew, I dun like everything I’ve tried so fuck it.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14. Purple, teal, annnd white.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yup. 16. Fallen out of love: Yup. 17. Laughed until you cried: Yup. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Nupe. 19. Met someone who changed you: Yup.                                                       20. Found out who your friends are: Yup. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nupe.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: A few. 23. Do you have any pets: 4 cats. 24. Do you want to change your name: Nupe. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Nothing. 26. What time did you wake up: 8:30am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Trying to get to sleep for the few hours of sleep I get. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: insulin remission on my cat. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Today 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Motivation. Make it last longer, I guess. I have spurts where I’m like I AM GONNA DO THE THING! then literally a half hour later I’m like eeeeh... it can wait. (narrator: it usually shouldn’t wait) 31. What are you listening to right now: CNN, and the A/C 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I remember a SUPER annoying Tom from 6th grade. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The increasing disrespect in this neighborhood. 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr, Youtube, Twitter

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Yup. 36. Mark/s: Er, I have a small scar on my arm from a cat bite. 37. Childhood dream: I dunno... I think I just wanted to be happy with whatever I ended up doing. 38. Haircolor: Brown 39. Long or short hair: I prefer medium on myself. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Fictional Characters, yes. (*waits for someone to point out my weakness for hokage-naughties*) 41. What do you like about yourself: My wit. 42. Piercings: Just ears. 43. Bloodtype: ?? 44. Nickname: None irl 45. Relationship status: Taken :) 46. Zodiac: Sagittarius 47. Pronouns: She/Her... I guess. Not opposed to Duuuuuude, tho. 48. Favorite TV Show: Oh, dun think I have a favorite... am getting amped up for Thrones to come back, tho.

49. Tattoos: Nupe. 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: er, some dental surgery in the past. 52. Hair dyed in different color: Nupe. 53. Sports: None... but I can watch baseball without complaining. Well, I can watch most sports without complaining, really, but I know baseball well. 55. Vacation: somewhere on a private island 56. Pair of trainers: Yes?

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Nothing atm! Thinking of gettin somethin tho 58. Drinking: Water 59. I’m about to: Check activity feeds of meh blogs and then maybe tumblr a bit after eating. 61. Waiting for: Hm... I guess a few hours from now when I pick a movie to watch. 62. Want: A few Kakashi and Minato figures I have my eye on but not the impulse to just buy atm. Really wish I did something here I could possibly ask commissions for, lol. Just to pay for a few figures. We’d all win. I’d post tons of picks, yanno it :) 63. Get married: Someday! But with no fuss, prolly just the minimum of going to the courthouse, or whatever it takes to just be official and keep costs and sillly dresses, etc out. 64. Career: If I could water plants all day, I’d love that.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Er, hugs but lemme know first! 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. I’ve stared at people before cuz of it. 67. Shorter or taller: shorter 68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: um, gonna say stomach cuz i need to take care of mine a bit, lol 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, i know thee well.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: Nupe 75. Drank hard liquor: Nupe                                                                                 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Don’t have any. 77. Turned someone down: Kinda. 78. Sex on the first date: Nupe. 79. Broken someone’s heart: Hope not. 80. Had your heart broken: Yup. 81. Been arrested: Nupe. 82. Cried when someone died: For ...ever. 83. Fallen for a friend: Nupe.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Sometimes. 85. Miracles: Those happen to other people. 86. Love at First Sight: Not really. 87. Santa Claus: There was a time, til I heard my parents one eve carrying presents out of their room after midnight. 88. Kiss on the first date: Nupe.

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Heather, haven’t talked to her in over 6 months tho cuz she gives me so much grief about my situation, tho. 91. Eye color: Brown 92. Favorite movie: I could watch Jurassic Park every day.

Tagging......... anyone with an R in their url! ;)

[ziggydageek-blog]

Honor and Lies

Winter saw me as a lynx more than a human. In that mindset, life stopped feeling so heavy. Thoughts and emotions, unwanted or otherwise, weren’t as pertenant when my main focus became chase, hunt, seek, survive. Sirius showed me the lay of the land; in our own way, we knew we not only enjoyed each other’s company over others, we’d secretly hoped that one day, we’d leave the world behind and live out the last of our days, cat and dog, to roam the world … together. Still, tho, life remained and there were matters to attend to. The money I had earned and saved working as a roadie in my late teens was coming close to an end. I needed employment, and I found it in the form of a part time job at Zonkos, the joke shooed in the village. Between midnight runs with Sirius, I woke up, got dressed, and became a productive member of society. The weekends that the Hogswarts kids came to the village were especially lucrative; being the new girl, I was scheduled for every single one. The aisles were cramped, the joke wands went off at an alarming rate and gossip spread faster than the common cold. Talk of Sirius seemed to be the topic of favored on any given weekend. His little escapade into the Gryffindor boys wing was the stuff of legend, and the red headed boy who unknowingly housed Pettigrew was at the center of it all. He and his curly haired friend came thru the shop often; there, he’d be met by the red headed twins, of of whom at flirted with me not that long ago at the Three Broomsticks. I watched one particular interaction between them, they squinted eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of an outline of a rat beneath his robes. None was to be found and indeed I had wished I were able to turn; a lynx mindset would’ve got me further. Unbeknownst to me, the one twin who had taken a liking to me noticed my attention and took advantage of my distracted posture. “You know, if you thought I was bit of a stretch for you, you really ought a know that that walker there is not the type of rubbish you want to get mixed up with,” his elbow landed on the counter in front of me. Shaken from my thoughts, I absent-mindedly fumbled with the exploding quills in front of me. “C-can I help you?” I stuttered. My cheeks blushed and I wanted othing more than to disappear. “I mean, if you’re really asking,” he started, an impish look painted across his jovial face. His brother was just over his shoulder, grinning to high heavens. “Go ahead then, George! Ask her if she’d fancy a romp at the Three Broomsticks!” He egged his brother on. In the background, the Pettigrew boy asked his friend where his brothers went and I heard her respond, “I dare say, making it harder on that poor woman to do her job proper!” George heard and ignored the slight; his brown eyes looked up into mine, his eyebrow raised. “What do you say then?” He gestured. “Look, George,” I started, unable to keep the grin off my face and the laughter from my voice. “You’re cute, I’ll give you that, but I’m old and I’m only about to be older. That, and I don’t think the owners of this place would take very kindly to me taking a Hogswarts student up on the offer to get drinks at the local pub.” When I’d finished, George seemed to be in deep thought. Finally, he concluded, “alright, but how ‘bout this: when I open my own joke shop, you come, work for me, and then you take me up on that offer, oi?” In spite of myself, I laughed at the proposal. “I’m taking that as a yes!” He clapped his hands, grinned and walked backwards from the counter. His twin clapped him on the back and loudly they exited Zonkos. As he left, all that I thought was how nice a Firewhiskey sounded after work. I knew Sirius had an errand til that evening so I figured it’d kill me sometime til he’d pop in. Unusually kind, my manager told me to take a lunch break if I felt it; she’d overstaffed accidently and since I’d been a pleasure to work with, I was to consider it a treat. Unwilling to wait til she changed her mind, I took off the name tag attached to my robe and headed to the Three Broomsticks. I wasn’t planning in getting drunk but what was the harm in a Butterbeer? Crowded as always with the students, I navigated as best I could. In the middle of the pub was a hub bub of commotion; the massive man I knew to live on the edge of the forest by the castle was seated at a large table amongst what looked to be professors and a man I could tell by pictures I’d seen in the paper to be the minister of magic. Anxiety gripped my chest; immediately, my thoughts and heart went into overdrive. Was he here for Sirius? But that was stupid. Of course he was here for Sirius. The entire surrounding are was up in arms. This was nothing new. I immediately recognized the feelings I harbored as guilt and brushed them aside enough to order and find a seat; unfortunately, the only spit opened was near the large group of table. As I sat, I heard names such as Black, Potter, and Pettigrew muttered. Try as they might to hold such conversations inconspicuously, it was hard to avoid overhearing buts and pieces. The tone became hostile when the giant man roared about how close he’d been to Sirius the very day the alleged murder happened. An anger boiled inside of me. How dare they? They knew nothing of the truth! The minister muttered about how strange it was how normal Sirius had seemed when be visited him in the prison and I couldn’t help but snort into my Butterbeer. “You fucking think?” I muttered into the froth at the top. Unable to hold back my anger any longer, I found it wisest to leave… Anger, unbridled and unexplainable anger overtook me. These fucking idiots! They knew NOTHING of what actually happened! That Pettigrew was alive and well! I knew wife I had sat in that booth any longer, I’d have slipped up and said something that would not only get myself into trouble but put Sirius at danger. It was the last thing he needed. After the eavesdropped upon conversation, however, I was able to understand a little more fully exactly what it was that Sirius dealt with. The unspoken emotions felt between us had a greater depth as my understanding for them grew. Motivated, spurred in by this newfound realization, I knew then I had to continue to help Sirius to the best of my ability, whatever that entailed. The rest of my day went past in a bitter haze. I replayed the snippets of what I’d heard over and over again. I rang up several orders incorrectly a I could tell Clarissa regretted deeply allowing me the lunch break. I assumed she’d chalked it up to me having a pint and didn’t say too much about it but I could tell she was all but relieved when it was time for me to clock out. “See you tomorrow,” I muttered, out of habit. The cold had set in just as the sun had set. Snowflakes kicked up as my boots stomped heavily on the drifts. There was a charm I could use to make a path, but it was cathartic watching the mounds of fluff suffer. When I’d made it back to my cabin, I was glad to see a fire burning in the hearth, especially more so when I realized the implications of that discovery. Shaking the snow from the hood of my robe, I took it off and immediately searched the figure. My eyes landed in the darkened figure of the dog beneath my table. “Oh thank k God you’re here,” I started. Sirius stood in the spot where the dog had just laid; he stretched his arms over his head and smiled at the sight of me. “Hard days work?” He asked. I knew he sensed the tension in me. Shaking my head, I told him, “I’ll get to that; as far as your errands, how’d that go?” From his robes, he removed a bag of coins. “The cat helped,” he said simply as he placed the bag in the table. “But I could really use another helping hand. Preferably one attached to the body of a woman.. an attractive one would be an added bonus,” his smirk melted the ice thay had accumulated around my chest and the physical cold that had accompanied me from the walk home. “What’s up?” I smiled back. His eyes squinted and he tilted his head as tho I had just said something in Latin and Jews trying his best to make sense out of it. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to your American phrases,” he quipped. “That being said, I’m to assume you mean tho may I be of assistance, and to that I ask would you be able to purchase a firebolt? I’d like to send it to Harry as a Christmas present; seeing as how I’m the reason he no longer has a broom,” the last part he muttered to the top of the table. “Of course, Sirius,” I nodded. I knew what it meant to him, watching Harry fly. He didn’t say it nor did he need to but it brought back nostalgia, a nostalgia that both caused him sorrow but an unbridled joy. James’s loss left it’s mark and it colored everything Sirius did thought or felt. Harry would never replace him, but it I knew it eased the grief even if it were just minutely. “Should be easy enough,” I chirped. “I’ll buy it after work tomorrow.” “Incidently,” Sirius looked at me, a mild suspicion painted across his face. “Why is that you walked home instead of just apparating?” Pausing, I didn’t necessarily want to bring up what I had overheard. Aware that it was going to be brought up eventually, I sighed then launched into the story of what it was that I had heard. Sirius listened, a look a of vague concern casted down at the table. When I had finished, he nodded then stated, “figures. That’s been the story circulating and that’s all that anybody will believe.” “Until we give them evidence to the contrary!” The passion refused to leave my voice. Shaking his head, Sirius said more to the same spot on the table than to me, “I can’t promise that I won’t kill him on sight the minute our paths finally cross..” I didn’t need to be able to feel his thoughts to know that he meant every word of that statement. I sighed to myself and internalized the magnitude of what laid ahead. When Sirius finally came upon Pettigrew, I needed to be there, in one form or the other. The truth needed to be known and Sirius deserved to have a life again. He’d wasted years of it for a crime he hadn’t committed. And it was falling on me to make sure that his honor was upheld.. in spite of him.