#and neither does fau

[phantomskeep]

Happy WIP Wednesday!

This first bits are from chapter three of my slowburn Dead on Main DPxDC fic, "Putting the 'Fun' Back in 'Funeral'", and the second is from a little crackfic I'm writing because oh god I made C3 very depressing and it made me sad. The first part of PFBF is from Danny's POV and the second from Jason's.

Just an FYI none of this has been beta'ed yet, so please pardon any errors!

.

While the local ghost hero was waiting for a response, he was lazily heading south from Fentonworks. Easily drifting on his back above the cloud layer currently overhanging Amity, Danny couldn’t help but rest his heavy gaze upon the millions of twinkling stars before him. It was only twenty-four hours ago that he had fought his last ghost as a semi-normal person. His entire world had shifted, changing completely. Danny now had the ultimate power of the Ghost Zone. It was a startling realization that hit him quickly and he couldn’t help but grieve his childhood. While he hadn’t really had much of one in the first place, Danny still wished things could have been different. That he was in university with his friends, studying astrophysics, trying to be an astronaut.

But no. He had to step into a portal to a different dimension and have it open up on top of him. He had to die before he even started highschool - and he couldn’t even do that correctly.

A loud groan of annoyance left cold lips, gloved hands coming up to grasp at white hair. The ghost boy flipped around to float on his belly, facing the dark clouds rumbling below him. Grasping on the tingling feeling of intangibility, Danny summoned his power to the forefront of his being before letting gravity take hold of his form. He dropped quickly towards the ground, eyes closed. It was from years of practice that he knew when to allowed such a pesky notion of gravity peel away from him, his monochrome shape hovering just above the down-trodden apartment complex he called home.

A bright flash lit the sky behind Danny’s still form, the clap of thunder chasing behind not even a second later. Bright green eyes tracked his shadow as the late-spring lightning storm passed through Amity. He hovered there, for a moment. Allowing the wild winds whip around him and such a storm’s power picked up, shaking the leaves of blossomed trees. Distantly, Danny registered that rain began drizzling from the cloudbed he was just so far above. It was with a mournful shake that Danny finally moved to enter his barren apartment.

When his boots lightly tapped his threadbare carpet floors, Danny let the rings of his transformation wash over him. Gone was the royal outfit he had still yet to inspect, and in its place was the slightly dirty clothes the young man had pulled from his floor earlier that very day. Black hair flopped to cover his eyes, no longer snow-white and being kept out of view by his powers. It was with a quiet sigh that Danny moved to push the strands back, pulling his beat-up phone out from his pocket.

With practiced movements, Danny allowed himself to fall back onto the worn couch shoved in the middle of his living room. The halfa didn’t move to turn on the lights around him - there would be no point in it, after all. He could see better than an average human. Just another of the many side-effects of half-dying.

A quick entering of his password had Danny’s cracked phone unlocked, icy blue eyes skimming the two messages of confirmation from Sam and Tucker. Quickly tapping out “jazz?” and smacking the send button allowed Danny to let the device fall onto his lap. He threw his arms back dramatically, face tipping back to eye the water damage on his ceiling critically.

He really should put in a maintenance notice.

.

It was there that Jason could see the form of Dick, back turned towards Jason as the elder fiddled with something on his light-stained butcher block countertops. As much as Jason wanted to annoy his brother by sneaking up on the distracted Nightwing, exhaustion still pulled heavily on his limbs.

“Didn’t I say that any bannings in Alfred’s kitchen extended to my own?”

The question clearly startled Dick, but he didn’t show it besides turning around with a bright grin.

“That’s only for cooking, Little Wing!” The older winked at his brother, gesturing him closer with his hand. “I ordered some delivery, I got your favorite from that one Thai place.”

Jason couldn’t help the creeping excitement in his voice as he fully stepped into the kitchen space. “Moo Yai?”

“Of course.”

Clapping a hand on Dick’s shoulder, Jason easily reached up to start grabbing the dishware the two of them would need. He passed Dick whatever he grabbed with a practiced ease.

Having various Bats and Birds hide away from the rest of the family at Jason’s apartment had become something the young man had come to expect. Often, he was told it was due to the coziness of his loft or his cooking prowess. He knew it wasn’t only because of those two things. The theme of finding one of his siblings breaking into his home had only begun after a particularly bad incident at the manor which caused Dick and Tim to recruit the others into making sure Jason was okay. It was information that he was not supposed to be privy to, but after the first time Tim had passed out at Jason’s place, he managed to snoop through the younger’s phone and put two and two together.

It wasn’t something Jason was… against, per se. But it was annoying when he was having a particularly bad day with the Pit Rage and he was surrounded by people he didn’t want to hurt again.

However, despite everything, moving around another person (or persons) in his kitchen had become a routine. One he never expected, but he was grateful for it all the same.

.

This next bit is from a pure DP one-shot within the realms of "crack treated seriously". I'm hoping to get it posted in a few days!

.

The last couple of weeks had been a chaotic stream of pandemonium. It all started with one Vlad Masters pulling an absolute Fruit Loop move which resulted in an ancient evil being awoken from his sleep. A sleep that, according to any ghost willing to talk to Danny, Pariah Dark was forced into because he was the Biggest Crazy Ever™. Of course, Danny did what any fourteen year-old superhero would do! He fought the bad guy, locked him back up in his creepy sarcophagus in his creepy castle, and then passed the fuck out.

Worst of all, that wasn’t even the really chaotic part.

No, that had to come after Danny had woken up in his bed with Jazz fretting over him. A ghost Danny had never before met had begun haunting him whenever he went on patrols. The clock-themed ghost had started off with saying things like “You bested Pariah Dark in single combat, now it is your time to take the crown” and “Young Danny, you must come back into the Infinite Realms and take your place as the Crowned Head.”

And look, Danny wasn’t the smartest kid on the block. He didn’t have the best grades, was often oblivious, and tended to ignore things that he didn’t want to deal with.

So he just ignored the blue annoyance following him everywhere.

That is, until the dang ghost stopped time and made him listen. Clockwork, which was apparently the ghost’s name, all but dragged him into the Ghost Zone, set him in front of Pariah Dark’s spooky coffin, and made him eat part of the ghost?! Apparently a “core” is something that all ghosts have but it was still gross! Danny kept throwing up afterwards, but he couldn’t seem to upchuck the weird pearl thing he had been made to swallow like an angry cat that wouldn’t take their medicine.

And now he’s here. Sitting in Mr. Lancer’s English period, waiting for the clock to tick by and end his day.

Danny’s stomach started to feel a bit weird mid-way through the previous class (algebra one with one of the football coaches) and he was fully planning on heading to the Far Frozen once the day is done.

The Far Frozen was an area in the Ghost Zone that the ghostly blue annoyance had herded him to before forcing him to eat another person. The ghost yetis there were pretty cool and were basically ghostly doctors. One of the yetis, Frostbite, had made some awesome hot chocolate and Danny was absolutely craving it. He figured it was because his stomach was upset and he really didn’t want Jazz hovering over him.

So, therefore, a trip to the Zone for some hot chocolate with some ghost yetis.

.

Hope you guys enjoyed the WIPs :) Chapter three should be posted within a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping to get the silly little fic posted before the end of March uwu

[rustys-lodge]

Bites Pt2

Part 1 

Summary : Your father found out about you hurting yourself. You get into a fight. But you miss each other.

Warnings : i guess none ? 

It's been a while since the last time you actually spoke to your father- You did actually talk to him once, when you told him about the new case you were going to work on up in Wichita, a city that's half a day away from the bunker, to which he responded with a freezing cold no. And you also spoke to him...if we could call it that ! When he came to your room this morning to tell you that you were going to Wichita together.

So you involuntarily vaged yourself with the one person who didn't want to talk to you the most, in a car, for 12 hours.

Your father was checking the duffel bag one last time while you were packing the books needed for the hunt.

"You know you re supposed to be there for me right now right ? " You surprised yourself, as well as your father as your heart skipped a beat at your own audaciousness. 

The man let out a scoff. "You didnt want me to be there for you the first time."

You lowered your gaze, shaking your head at his stupidity. You did, actually, very much too. How stupid could he be to believe that you didn't..

"Im sorry" you muttered under your bearth.

Your father sighed, bringing his index and thumb up to the bridge of his nose.

"You dont have to be, Y/n. You did nothing wrong." He turned towards you, your eyes meeting for the first time in a long time. "You don’t have to feel embarassed or ashamed, man, im your father. Im the one who should be apologizing right now."

“For what ?”

“For not being the-”

“Its not your fau-”

“Yes it is, yn im your father i-”

"Yes my father." You interrupted him one last time. "Not god. It isn't your fault that there was nothing you could do for me..."

The room went silent while you threw each other scanning glances.

"Is there anything i can do now ? " Dean asked before he started making his way towards you, slowly. As if not to scare you away.

You sucked your lip in and bit it hard. Your dad’s words sent a wave of relief flowing through your body. But you were too ashamed to speak up.

Your presence is more than enough, dad.

You flashed your old man a smile, to which he responded with a full set of teeth. And slowly shuffled closer to him, leaning agaisnt his shoulder. 

He proceeded by wrapping his arm around your shoulder, but he quickly ruined the moment by asking the inevitable question.

"Can i see it ?"

Your heart beat fastened at his request, fearing being judged. But you pulled up your sleeve anyways

Your forearm was almost covered it yellow patches; And while the red trails were fully gone, the silhouette was still there, making it obvious that they’re bites. 

Your dad placed his hand under your lower arm and raised it up. He ghostly trailed his finger around the bites, probably asking himself a million questions.

"Does it hurt ?"

He considered your hesitation his answer. It did hurt.

"Im sorry,baby, that you have to go through all that." Your dad lowered his face to place a gentle but long kiss on your forearm.

And there was that warmth again. You felt peaceful.

"Thanks, D. Dont worry about me...i'll be fine."

Your father responded with a smile. But you could tell through his eyes that he didn't believe a word that came out of your mouth...Neither did you of his. But you believed it was going to be okay, both of you will heal with time.

"Come on, lets go." You broke the silence, clinging to his side as he swung the duffle over his shoulder and dragged him up the stairs.

"Next time i find something like that, i'll..beat you up, like this." Your father lifted your hand up and very lightly tapped it. 

You giggled. It was heatwarming, how much he was trying to lighten up the mood and show you that he cared.

And although you were still ashamed, you were glad he could be there for you, you were glad you could be honest with him, for once. He saw you for who you were. And he didn’t make fun of it.

You didn’t want more in life. 

-----

@agirlwithanangelheart @the-epitome-of-a-fangirl @laura-naruto-fan1998

Peeps, the part about the hand tap was something my doctor said to me as he very gently tapped my hand ❤❤❤ and i wanted those who needed it to experience it through (fucked up) writing. Anyways, please tell me what yall think. And enjoy. I hope this helps someone ❤❤❤🌹🌹🌹

[dumdumsun]

Of Starlight

A/N: Enjoy ❤️

Warnings: none that I’m aware of

Word Count: 2912

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Chapter 18: What Would Have Happened

It happened so quickly. One minute, Hazel had shown up to the mansion with the desire to help the family with the prevention of the apocalypse, then next minute, Five was watching Diego and Hazel fight before him for almost a full forty five seconds. Punches and kicks were thrown, blood was drawn, but Five decided to step in when Diego clamped his teeth down on Hazel’s ear. Setting his margarita down on the bar, Five blinked behind his brother with a glass vase before smashing it down on his head, the vigilante collapsing to the ground, unconscious. “I draw the line at biting.” He remarked as he made his way back over to the bar. He glanced over at Hazel, who was groaning and nursing his ear. “Hazel, whatever you came here to say, I suggest you make it quick, before he comes ‘round.”

“I left my partner, quit the Commission, came to volunteer.”

“For what?” Five returned to his seat at the bar, picking up his drink.

“To help stop the apocalypse.” Hazel swiped glass off of his shoulder. The man earned a chuckle from the boy as he sipped on his drink. Hazel frowned. “What on earth could be so funny to you right now?”

“Before I answer that, why do you wanna help us?”

Hazel took a deep breath and straightened his posture. “Let’s just say I have a vested interest in a doughnut shop.” Whatever that meant. Five smiled as he took his straw out of his mouth.

“Well, I hate to break it to you, pal, but you’re a day late and a dollar short. The fact that you’re here right now means, without a shadow of a doubt, the apocalypse is over.”

“Really? How do you know?”

“The mark is dead. Found him this morning,” Five inhaled as he thought over (Y/N)’s words of suspicion. “You were the last known unknown left in the equation.”

Hazel let out an airy chuckle, slightly shaking his head. “Shit… Really?”

“Mmhm,” Five nodded and turned around in his seat. “And if you’re out, then Hellrider ain’t riding.”

Throwing his head back, Hazel inhaled deeply, raising his fists in the air. “Oh! Alright!” He grinned. Letting out a relieved laugh, he stepped away from Diego and joined Five at the bar. Picking up the blender, he gulped down what was left of the margarita, Five chuckling and turning his head forward. When Hazel emptied the blender, he set it back in place, exhaling in content. “So now what?”

“You know, to be honest, I don’t know. I’ve been chasing this thing for so long, I…,” He and Hazel turned to each other. “I never really thought about the day after… I don’t know. What about you?”

“I’m done with all of this madness,” Hazel shook his head. “Time to start over. You should do the same.”

“That’s easier said than done…”

“It doesn’t have to be hard. I mean, think about it like this. If you never time traveled, you never got caught up with The Handler, what would have happened?”

Five glanced over his shoulder, at the unconscious Diego, before turning back to Hazel. “I guess I would have grown up to be an emotionally stunted man-child like everybody else around here,” He nodded, Hazel softly chuckling. “But after that… I guess I would have married the love of my life.”

Hazel raised his brows and leaned back a bit. “Really? I would’ve never guessed a cold-hearted killer would have a soft spot. Especially for a girl.”

“Yeah, well… neither did I. But there’s nothing else I’d rather do right now…”

“Well, there you go. Now you can grow up and get married,” Rising from his seat, Hazel nodded at the boy. “Good luck.” As he began to leave, Five glanced over at Delores. This was the time to make things right. The boy called out to Hazel as he turned toward him.

“One more thing before you go.”

“Shoot.”

“Which one of you was the triggerman for Detective Patch?”

“Triggerwoman.” Hazel blinked. Five sighed through his nose.

“Huh. That’s too bad… That gun could’ve cleared my brother’s name.”

Hazel inhaled as he reached into his pockets. “Well, today’s your lucky day, amigo,” He took out two guns and walked up to Five, setting them down on the bar. “Take ‘em both. I’m done with this life.”

Five gave him a ghost of a smile of gratitude as he watched him leave the parlor. And with that, another weight had been lifted from his child-like shoulders. Turning back to Delores, Five deeply sighed. “Now it’s… Now it’s figuring out what (Y/N) wants…”

“Diego?!” As if on cue, the girl’s voice rang throughout the room. He looked over his shoulder to see her crouching beside their brother, placing a hand on his head, (e/c) eyes full of concern.

“He’s fine.” Five spoke up. Her head snapped up to him.

“He is?”

“I just knocked him out. Did what I had to do.”

“Oh, well, then…” She stood with a shrug, moving to his side. Sitting down in the seat Hazel once occupied, she placed a hand on his back. “How’re you doing, bub?”

The nickname sent a rush of heat to Five’s face and ears. He hoped to god it wasn’t noticeable. “Honestly, I’m a little lost, Starlight… I didn’t have a plan after this.”

“Well, then, what do you wanna do?” She held his free hand in hers, raising it to her lips. “Now that you’ve got loads of freetime.”

“I was hoping you’d help me with that,” He leaned closer, gently touching foreheads with her. “Now that I have no idea what the future holds for us… I just want to have one with you.”

“I’ve cried enough these past eight days, Five,” (Y/N) sniffled with a grin on her face. “Don’t make me do it again.” They both chuckled quietly, hands tightly clasped together. They knew this wasn’t a life or death situation, but they’d been so used to losing each other that every moment of peace felt like nothing but the calm before the horrible, horrible storm. (Y/N) wrapped her arms around her love in a warm hug. Not even hesitating, he returned it, gently rubbing her shoulder. “You mean it? You want a future with me?”

“I mean it with every pubescent bone in my body.”

“Ew…” She laughed, the sound alone tugging at his heart. He then felt the warmth of her lips pressed against the corner of his mouth. He swore his heart exploded right then and there. When she pulled away, he couldn’t speak, couldn’t formulate a single sentence in his mind. It hadn’t even been a real kiss and yet it had rendered him speechless, nonetheless. She smirked in amusement at his current state. “Five, you’re staring.”

“I’m well aware.” He breathed. She giggled and circled around him to leave the room, their eyes never breaking contact as their fingers lingered against each other. When they had finally let go, both their hands twitched, itching for that contact again. (Y/N) placed her fingers against her lips as she turned away and left the parlor to head upstairs. She had planned to go check on her children again. It had felt like months since she’d last seen them. Now that the end of all life on earth had been stopped, she knew she had to make things right and explain everything to them. No matter how crazy she sounded. She owed them that much.

She passed by Allison’s room, but stopped when she saw movement from the small crack in the door. Slowly opening the door wider, she gasped at the sight of Allison, now in different clothing, walking around her room. The woman turned towards the door, a tearful smile stretching across her face. “You’re awake…” The girl teared up as the two ran to each other, engulfing one another in a hug. Allison sniffled and kissed the top of her sister’s head. “Oh, god, you’re okay, Ally, you’re okay…” She repeated, more to herself than to Allison. When they pulled away, they sat themselves on the bed. The Rumor reached over to her notepad and began to write something down. (Y/N) leaned over and rested her elbows on her knees, waiting patiently for her sister with a small smile on her face. The smile faltered when Allison turned the notepad to her.

VANYA KNOWS

“She knows?” (Y/N) frowned. “She knows what?” Her gaze followed Allison’s writing.

WHAT WE DID

“Allison, I’m not understanding.” She shook her head. Allison sighed in frustration and hastily scribbled down her response.

THE RUMOR

“The rumor? Like… when we were little?” She asked, Allison nodding. “Is that why she did this? She found out about… but I don’t understand. What did the…”

“I heard a rumor… you think you’re just ordinary.”

“Number Eight, summon a clone. Tell it to make sure Number Seven does not leave her room. No matter what.”

Her face formed into horrified shock. “So, Vanya has powers,” The nod of confirmation from Allison had the girl running her hands down her face. “Jesus Christ… and we were both in on it…” The two sat in silence. Both in fear. Both in shame. Shameful of the pain they’d caused their sister, of blindly following through with their father’s plans without a single word of protest. (Y/N) turned her attention to the sound of the marker against the paper.

ITS MY FAU-

“No,” (Y/N) held Allison’s wrist, forcing her to halt her writing. “It’s my fault as much as it is yours. We were both there… I take this blame with you. Okay, Ally? You don’t have to make yourself feel like shit all the time,” The scoff she got from Allison made (Y/N) frown. “Allison, tell me one good thing you think you’ve done.” Silence followed. Allison stared down at her knees for what seemed like forever before shaking her head with a shrug.

“Well, I’ve got a list. Let’s see… You promote my work in your interviews… You gave birth to my favorite niece,” The woman silently giggled at that. “You were my maid of honor… You stay so fucking strong despite the shit thrown at you constantly,” She reached over and held her sister’s hand. “You’re learning, Ally. We all are. No one said we had to be perfect… We do shitty things and then we learn from them. Yes, part of the process is feeling like shit, but it isn’t the end. I just want you to know… you’re one of the best things to ever happen to me. If you ever feel like a piece-of-shit-sister… know that I think otherwise. Vanya doesn’t hate you… I’m sure after we properly apologize, she’ll understand, right? She just found out that everything she was ever told was a lie… and the source of it. She’s learning, too. We just need to be patient with her. No one really ever was…”

Allison smiled down at her notepad and scribbled something down before holding it up.

PRETTY SMART FOR A KID

“Piss off, Allison.” (Y/N) laughed.

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After leaving Allison to her own devices, (Y/N) slipped into her bedroom and swiped her car keys off her bedside table. She whistled a tune and spun the keys on her finger as she walked towards the stairs. Hearing rustling, she halted when she saw Five in his own room. She walked inside and gently knocked on the door. He looked up from the duffle bag he had just unzipped and smiled tightly. “Hey, Starlight.”

“Hey, bub,” She watched him with a raised brow. “What’re you doing?”

“Uh, well… I figured if I’m going to move on and live as much of a normal life as I can… I’ve gotta let go of the past.” He motioned towards Delores, who sat in her usual chair. (Y/N)’s mouth fell open in shock.

“Seriously? Five, you’re returning Delores?”

“It won’t be easy, I admit,” He grunted. “But I… I have to do this.”

“Make things right,” She nodded, Five staring at her in slight confusion. “You could say I’m on my own journey with that…”

“We all might as well be,” He slowly picked up Delores, his green eyes holding so much care and fondness for the mannequin. He hesitated as he so very gently placed her in the duffle bag. Sighing, he turned his head to (Y/N). “Would you like to say any last words to her, (Y/N)?”

“Oh, uh… Sure,” The girl cleared her throat and slowly walked to Five’s side. He stepped back a little to give her space. Her eyes darted around the room. From Five, to his posters, to the window, before finally landing on Delores. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Delores… um, well, we didn’t talk all that much, but… I think if Five likes you so much, you must be pretty great. I, uh… actually wanna thank you… for taking care of him. He went through hell and my worst fear was that he’d do it alone… but you came in and did what I couldn’t. And I’ll be eternally grateful for that. I wish you luck in life, Delores.” Standing up straight, she turned to Five, who nodded in satisfaction.

“Beautifully said. Now,” He walked closer and zipped up the duffle bag. “I’ll only be a little while.”

“Oh, wait,” (Y/N) gently pressed her hand to his chest to stop him. “I can drive you there.”

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(Y/N)’s car parked in front of the department store Five had directed her to. Very slowly, the boy removed his seatbelt and turned to the backseat, where the duffle bag sat. He let out a breath and slowly reached back for it. “I don’t know, Starlight… If I can…”

“I’m not gonna make you do anything you don’t want, Five… But if you truly want to move on and have… that future… This is kinda necessary. I know you can do this, bub. You have more than just Delores now. You’ve got our siblings, you’ve got me.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. Five hummed and grabbed hold of the duffle bag, dragging it into his lap. His finger gently ran over the fabric as he shut his eyes.

“I know…”

Seeing the somber look in his eyes once they opened, she tilted her head and smiled. “Make sure they get her a new outfit. She’d look beautiful in red.”

Five chuckled and shook his head, opening his door to leave. “I’ll be back.” He whispered.

“And I’ll be right here.” She smiled. He returned the expression before getting out and closing the door, swinging the bag onto his back as he strode inside the store. (Y/N) leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes, a distant vision she’d had years ago resurfacing her memories.

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The clone stood a few feet away from Five, who sat on the hood of an abandoned car with Delores by his side. The boy sighed and stared up at the star-painted sky. He threw his arm around the mannequin’s “shoulder” and leaned into her. “These stars remind me of (Y/N)... Who is she? Oh, just… a girl…” The clone stalked closer to the car in silence. “What? No, Delores, she’s… Well, she’s dead now. I just called her Starlight because… that’s what she was to me. In an endless sea of darkness, she shone in all her glory. She didn’t make the darkness go away, but she sure made it more bearable to live with… Yeah,” He bitterly chuckled. “Yeah, I was in love with her… But it doesn’t matter. She’s… She’s gone now,” He turned his head to face Delores, his eyes softening. “But at least I have you…”

The clone’s foot came into contact with a nearby scrap of metal, the screeching of it sliding against the ground alerting Five. He jumped up and turned to the clone in anger. “Go away!” He tried waving it off. When it didn’t respond, he hopped off the car and stormed up to it. “I said go away! All you ever do is stand there and look like her! You don’t talk like her or smile like her o-or laugh like her! You just sit there and take up space! Just get the hell away from me!” He shouted, not daring to get any closer, for he knew he’d only get shoved back. The clone only squinted its eyes at Five, the boy sighing in exasperation and stomping back to the car. It watched as he sat atop the hood, burying his face into his hands.

“What the hell am I gonna do with it, Delores…?”

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The girl snapped her eyes open when she heard the car door opening. Turning to her right, she was greeted with the sight of Five. Alone. As he climbed into his seat and shut the door, she grinned brightly at him. She reached her hand over and placed it over his. “I’m so proud of you…” She whispered. The boy only nodded, eyes trained on his knees. (Y/N) tilted her head and hummed in a soothing manner. She considered her next decision for about a solid two minutes before starting the car up again.

“Do you want to meet Michael and Jada?”

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[crinkle-eyed-boo]

“Nice sash,” Louis observes, leaning back against the bar. “Is it really your birthday, Curly?”

“It is,” the boy nods, gesturing grandly to his stained birthday sash. “I am twenty-three years old today.”

“Well, happy birthday,” Louis grins.

“Thank you. Sadly, I seem to find myself without a drink,” the boy sighs dramatically, straightening the tiara in his curls. “On my birthday. Feels a bit wrong, doesn’t it?”

“Does it?”

The boy just nods, batting his eyes at Louis as he purses his lips in an exaggerated pout.

Jesus Christ, this boy is endearing.

“I mean, you’re the one who dropped your drink, Curly,” Louis shrugs, still wanting him to work for it a little bit. “I fail to see how that’s my problem.”

“It is your problem though,” the boy challenges.

“Oh really,” Louis teases, biting back his grin. “How is that, you reckon? Do explain it to me, I’d love to know how it could possibly be my fau–”

The words die on Louis’ tongue, his breath hitching as the boy closes the space between them, standing so close that Louis can smell the sweet alcohol on his breath. The boy has a couple inches of height to his advantage, forcing Louis to look up at him. They study each other, neither one of them wanting to be the first to break. Louis’ heart is jackrabbiting in his chest, so hard that he wonders if the other boy can feel it. Finally, the boy dips his head down, his lips nearly brushing the shell of Louis’ ear.

“It’s your problem because you winked at me,” the boy murmurs, his voice slow, like thick honey being poured over gravel. “And it’s your problem because I think you want it to be your problem.”

The boy pulls back, a cocky smirk twisting his mouth; Louis exhales a shuddery breath, nervous laughter escaping his lips as he signals Patrick from the other end of the bar.

“What are you drinking, Curly?”

“Raspberry cosmo,” the boy replies, the cocky grin melting into a sweet smile, his green eyes glittering in the dim light.

“You heard the man, Patty,” Louis grins. “Raspberry cosmo for the birthday girl.”

Mine Would Be You by crinkle-eyed-boo

[ggukkiedae]

Yoonmi’s Hybe Adventures

someone save this child from the gigantic maze called the hybe building bc she only knows like four places there aksjfh

“Where is my studio?”

Yoonmi dragged her luggage bag with some of the items she’d be storing in her studio behind her. It was quite the sight considering it looked like she could fit inside that luggage with space to spare. It was her first time visiting the new building, so she still didn’t know her way around. Maybe she should have waited for Namjoon.

“Oh!” A familiar figure appeared as she turned the corner. “Samchon! Hyunnie samchon!”

She approached the elder with a smile. He opened his free arm for a hug, which she obliged. He ruffled her hair a little before letting go of her.

“You lost, maknae?”

The nickname made her smile. Despite her not being the youngest in the company anymore, Lee Hyun never stopped calling her maknae.

“A little, yeah. I have no idea where my studio is.”

“Neither do I.”

Yoonmi perked up. “I saw your studio! It’s back dow this hall then turn right.”

“Well aren’t you lucky?” The elder pinched her cheek. “Yours is at the other end of this hallway near the other Bangtan kids’ studios.”

She glanced down the hall and indeed saw the sign that she had outside her previous studio hanging on a wall beside a door. She thanked Lee Hyun and began to make her way there.

“As soon as I finish here, I’ll pick you up, okay?” The elder’s voice carried after her. “Let’s have dinner in the cafeteria!”

“Okay!”

“Yoongi oppa, can you come over to my studio for a bit— Oh, hi Gyu!”

“Aigoo, Yoonmi-ah,” Beomgyu laughed at her and gestured for her to come in. “Do you still not know your way around?”

She rolled her eyes at him as she sat beside him. “I saw your live with Soobin oppa. You don’t know your way around either.”

Beomgyu pretended to throw a tantrum at her which made her laugh. He turned away and crossed his arms before turning all his attention back to his live and ignoring her.

“Are you really doing this right now?” Her laughter was loud. “You started it!”

“But you continued it!”

“Oh my god.”

The two ended up laughing at each other. She apologized quickly to the live for them having to witness the two 01 liners. Beomgyu then decided to read out some questions that MOAs were asking Yoonmi until he eventually just left her to it. She leaned forward a little and laughed when she saw the comments rushing by.

“All they’re asking me is if I’m helping work on your next album!”

“To be fair,” Beomgyu shrugged, “you did work on all our albums. And most of the songs on Minisode.”

“Well, I’m under an NDA regarding anything involving production in this company, so I can’t say anything.”

“You guys heard her.”

A knock on the door caught their attention. The two kids looked towards the door which opened to reveal Yoongi. He smiled at them.

“Heard you were looking for me, Princess.”

She stood and gave Yoongi a hug. “How’d you know I was here?”

“Beomgyu texted.”

Yoongi’s words made Yoonmi turn to Beomgyu who laughed.

“I thought you’d need help getting back,” he reasoned.

She scrunched her nose at him but laughed anyway. “When you’re done, wanna come hear what I’m working on?”

“Of course he does,” Yoongi chuckled. “You’re his bias!”

“Hyung!”

But just like that, Yoonmi and Beomgyu said bye while Beomgyu ended the live, and they followed Yoongi back to Yoonmi’s studio.

It was not a good day for Yoonmi. All she wanted to do was go to the Bangtan dance studio and brush up on her skills, but she forgot what floor she was on. Cautiously, she entered the room to see people dancing. But they weren’t her members.

She turned to the side, hitting her head on the wall. “I give up!”

“You lost again, Yoonmi?” Minhyun asked her with a chuckle.

“Maybe just a little.”

Jonghyun came over and gave her a smile. “How about I take you back to your floor?”

She gave him a sheepish smile, guilty that she had disrupted their practice. Minhyun saw this and patted her head.

“Lighten up,” he told her, “I assure you you’re not at fault here. It’s a big building, and we all lose our bearings here.”

“We needed the break anyway!” Minki’s voice called from where the other members were drinking water. She laughed at that.

Honestly, of all the groups she could walk in on, she was grateful it was Nu’est. She wasn’t really close to most of the Seventeen members, and she didn’t want to trouble the Gfriend girls who often got as lost as she did. The TXT kids probably would have teased her, and Enhypen look up to her, so that would be embarrassing. Nu’est, however, were her friends, and they were very caring. They also had the least amount of members to witness her struggle.

“How about this,” she began, “how about we all go for lunch in the cafeteria then I can just go with you guys back down until I reach my floor, which I’m pretty sure is closer to the cafeteria than yours.”

Jonghyun laughed. “You’re making this less embarrassing for you, huh?”

“Is it that obvious?”

The Nu’est boys laughed, but relented. Who were they to deny the original princess of the company?

[jamestrmtx]

Fairytale Complex - [Undertale | Sans x Reader]

[Gender Neutral, Frisk's Parent Reader | Slow Burn]

Chapter Sixteen | Dummy! (Part 3 of 3)

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

Dinner is about as awkward as waving back at someone you think's waving at you, only to then realize they're actually waving at someone else.

Frisk stares at your guest from beginning to end, only looking back to their bowl when they’re done with it. They grab a piece of bread and soak up what little soup remains at the bottom and say, “You’re not a bad cook", after. They take a bite off the bread; the rest of it disappears in three more. “Is this ren's way of testing whether you'll be a good boyfriend or not?”

Sans swallows hard and coughs once to recover as he sets his spoon down. “Well, uh… Somethin’ like that, I guess.” He casts a subtle glance at you, his gaze asking for help.

“We’re not dating,” you intervene. You take some soup, but end up throwing it back in the bowl when your hand shakes, too tense to continue eating. “You and Jerry just so happened to walk in at the wrong moment, making it look like something else.”

Frisk frowns, and a dull expression reaches their eyes. “I can tell you’re lying, ren. You’re bad at it.” Their gaze moves back towards Sans, who’s now finished with his bowl and trying to move away from the conversation. “What about you, then? Why’re you chickening out if you still wanna date (Y/N)?” They furrow their eyebrows and glare at the monster. “Why are you-“

“That’s enough, honey.” You stand up and face down at them. “This isn’t his fau-“

“So then, it’s yours?” Their voice breaks as they're the one to rise next; their hands thump over the table and their frown quivers as they attempt not to show any weakness. “He… He flirted with you, so that means he’s also responsible for it!”

“I said that’s enough, Frisk (L/N),” you snap, crossing your arms. “I’m okay with talking about this with you, but not during dinner. And even less when we have a guest over.” You plan to pick up the dishes, though the skeleton beats you to it, excusing himself off to the kitchen. “I’m not dating him, and that's final. That only happened ‘cause we kind of like each other. But I refuse to date anyone until you’re all grown up.”

“You’ll be old by then,” they whine, flailing their arms. “Grandparents can’t date!”

“Yes, they can.” You go along with the ridiculousness of the conversation, too caught up in it to fully assess their words. “And ten more years won’t make me a grandparent! I’m still young.”

Frisk huffs and switches for sign language, saying, “That still doesn’t mean you have to live like this.” They grimace, eyes wetting as they sniffle once. “I like seeing you happy… But right now, this just makes me feel like I'm bothering you.”

Your anger falls with that last sentence; panic replaces it.

In a haste, you try approaching their side, though they run off to their room just as you’re ready to bring them in for a hug. Their steps are quick and the door shuts with a subtle bang, their composure still showing through. You stay in place as their words replay on your mind over and over, gloom arriving. Dismissing them is an impossible feat; your mind continues to subject your thoughts into negativity, restraining you from acting quickly.

If you’d been doing a poor job at raising them this whole time, then what had been the point of it all?

Needing a distraction, you head to the kitchen and join Sans by the sink, no words spoken between you.

He washes the dishes while you dry and store them away, keeping up a rhythmic pace until only the pot’s left. Your gaze focuses on his arms, jacket’s sleeves lifted all the way up to his elbows, revealing the oddity of who you were growing attracted to. His shirt's a bit loose by the neck, presenting you with his collarbones as you spare a peek under it. You're still adapting to the strangeness of having someone look so similar to a human skeleton, yet so different all the same. He could breathe, laugh, move, talk... and even kiss based on first-hand experience. His skull wasn't entirely solid, allowing him to blink, eat, and drink -- besides from what you were thinking of whenever you stared at his face and down at his teeth. You tell yourself it’s wrong to be befriending him, and even worse finding any attraction in him. You’re not sure how to interpret his words from earlier ago, and just what it meant to see him break down like he had.

He’d revealed he disliked who he used to be, but did he remember having said it?

From your experience, moments like those were hard to keep clear.

“Do you… remember what you said to me, Sans?”

His hands stop what they’re doing, one grabbing the knob -- ready to open the faucet -- and the other holding the pot, now coated in suds. He looks up at you, saying, “I cried, didn’t I? Don’t really remember word-for-word, but I know I meant what I said.”

You take a breather before responding with, “Even the part about hating who you used to be?”

Sans turns the knob, letting water pour down. “Yeah.” He nods, heaving out a sigh. “The more I look back and reflect on who I used to be, the more I understand why you don’t trust me.” The pot’s close to overflowing, though he doesn’t notice. You step in and place your hand over his, closing the faucet. Unaddressed tension remains as you stare down at his hand, yet you refuse to let it show, repelled by the idea of taking advantage of his vulnerability. You don’t want to engage in anything like your stay at the hotel again until you sorted out your mind and its jumble of thoughts, nor do you wish to romanticize his self-hatred by fulfilling your wants. “...I, uh, I get it now. And I promise I’ll stop flirtin' now that I know it.”

The monster pulls his hand away and takes the pot with both, emptying the soapy water down the drain. He does it little by little, preventing a flood in the sink. “Did Jerry say something about this?” you ask, taking the pot when he gives it to you. You hang the current towel and take a dryer, cleaner one from the rack. Then, you continue, finishing with the job. “He looked at you weird.”

He chuckles and meets with your eyes. “Maybe ‘cause I was all over you for a second there?”

You glare at him, lips doing the opposite by tugging into a grin, one you try to fight back. “Cut the sarcasm.” You jab his waist, smile growing. “You know what I mean."

“Let him think what he wants to think. I knew you before I knew him, and you guys haven’t been together for years. You’re your own person, and so’s him. If he doesn’t want to keep being friends, then that’s fine with me.”

You glance over to the time on the wall clock, seeing it’s already seven. With the frequent rain, the monster was forced to store his motorcycle away while it cleared out some more, and -- to make up for it -- his brother was now the one to either lend him his car, or take him where he needed to be. In short, letting him go back home would mean calling Papyrus two hours right before his sleep schedule. Either that, or it was sending Sans all alone off to the nearest bus stop.

You settle on neither, saying, "Want to stay over? It's late, and I've got a guest bedroom you can use."

He snickers and replies with, "Worried 'bout me?" When he notices, his grin falls, and he quickly makes up for it by adding, "Sorry. Doing that's pretty much a reflex now."

You smile and swat his shoulder, keeping your hand there. "...I don't really mind you flirting that way. I like it better than when you're straight-up obvious about it."

"Like the Mx. Serif thing?"

"Exactly." You shift on your feet, remembering one of his older comments. "That, and the ones you used to make about my... appearance."

"So you want me to be less invasive," he says, nodding. "Got it." He tries not to look down, a slight tense present in his grin. "I apologize if I ever made ya uncomfortable. I'm surprised you didn't just whack me over the head back then. Feels like I deserved it sometimes."

"Violence is not the answer." You pause, face regaining seriousness. "...Unless you cross borders you shouldn't be crossing."

"Kinda like what happened on the couch today?"

"No." You feel your throat ache the longer you talk with him, still too awkward to relax around him. "...I wanted it back then."

Sans washes his hands and gives you space to do the same. Then, he brings his sleeves down and waits until you're done washing up to accompany you to the living room. "Touch-starved?" he jokes, though you're far from taking it that way.

Seven years.

Not that you were completely, utterly desperate for a relationship, but good company was still good company. You could still use the warmth of someone else, even if it was purely platonic or familiar -- like a tight hug, or just someone else to have around the house. Wanting to depend less on Jerry's support and more on your own funds, you proposed to yourself working extra hours for as long as it was necessary. The rest of your day was either used up in chores or in spending more time with Frisk. It's only now that the monsters help you out with your child and their growth that you have additional time to do stuff like this.

"...Yes," you reply, looking away. "But that can wait."

You excuse yourself and head over to the fridge, needing some water to cure the sudden soreness to your throat; that, and you didn't really want to keep tangling yourself up in that mess.

When you've just about drank more than half a gallon, you stop and take in a deep breath, bringing yourself back to calm.

Regardless of what Frisk and Sans himself had said about living for yourself every so often, you had your set of goals already planned out. Speed-running through a relationship wasn't one, and even less considering the subject's past. You needed to know him and his intentions better before throwing yourself into it -- more than usual.

Two years of pointless arguments between you and Jerry had been enough to last you a lifetime; one of them was even more than pointless, considering you divorced by your first year. You never understood the point of submitting a child to the sight of continuous arguments if you could just find a way to stop becoming involved in what was causing that. You didn't want Frisk to feel like the root of all your problems, nor did you wish to make them feel as if they had to redeem themselves for something that wasn't even their fault to begin with. It was difficult to comprehend the thought-process behind calling out how many finances were spent on them, unless they were being a spoiled brat about it. Guilting them over the good things they had and belittling their troubles through constant comparison wasn't what you wanted, either.

But did it all have to be done by you limiting your own life and enjoyments?

Sans's advice and Frisk's words get to you, these you try to brush off for the moment being.

Fixing your situation with the monsters was more important than that.

"Ren?" a familiar voice calls out, stopping your speeding train of thought. "Is Sans staying over tonight?"

Your body freezes up, face doing the opposite.

Out of all the people you could’ve chosen to be attracted to, it had to be a person whose existence you were barely aware of until a few months ago, who you would've sworn was a contradiction to science as you knew it, and whose flirting techniques were about as low quality as a school lunch's ‘pizza’ Friday. “Yes,” you say, drinking another glass. You’ve already drank more than enough, but stress makes you want more. “It would be rude to send him home with how late it is.”

“You just want him to stay longer, don’t you?”

“That’s none of your concern, dear.”

You serve them a glass of milk, kiss their cheek, and shoo them off to bed, slumping against the fridge when they’re gone. The sound of the television being turned on follows when their footsteps grow faint, and you can hear them exchange a few words with the skeleton, though none of these you can get to understand clearly, standing so far away. “That’s their favourite movie!” is the only sentence you can decipher from them, words exclaimed. “Have fun!” They run off, footsteps echoing down the hallway.

Finally left with Sans again, you return to the living room to see him resting on the same side you’d been pinned to on the couch. You try not to remember, yet your mind proves to be cruel as it reminds you over the subtle warmth of his hands, the scent of your soap on him, and him being so close to take initiative by being the one to almost kiss you on the lips. You’d been the one to do that the first time you kissed him on the cheek back at Mettaton's hotel, though you tell yourself it was nothing special. It was mostly the heat of the moment that had caused you both to take it easy, after all. Today was an entirely different story. Compared to your approach, his was a much more complex and slow building one, waiting for you to better process his intentions and reciprocate his actions with far more sincerity compared to your stay at the hotel.

In short, you wanted to kiss him, but for real this time.

“You doin' okay?” Sans asks, seeing you arrive; he scoots further away, a simple gesture for you to sit down and join him.

“I’m... I'm okay,” you reply, nodding. “But are you really gonna watch that?” You point with your eyes at the television, your favourite movie still playing. “It’s a little lame.”

“Don’t lie.” He grins and hangs an arm behind the couch again when you settle next to him. “I’m pretty sure the kid said it’s your favourite.”

“Out of that particular genre, yes.” You stare at the screen, displaying a scene not too fitting for your situation, yet not completely out of touch either. It gives space for you to talk with him, no awkward romance scenes happening at the moment, and no loud, action-packed scenarios occurring either. Without a word, you move closer to him, letting his arm wrap around your shoulders as he brings you nearer, face resting against his chest. “Have you watched it before?”

“Today’s my first,” he says, hand lowering to your waist. He does nothing else, giving space for you to cozy up next to him the way you best deemed fit. “Feelin’ better now? You can stay for s’long as ya need.”

Aware the monster's referencing your no short of embarrassing confession from before, you shift to a straighter position, meet his irises, and glare up at him. Rather than throwing a remark back at the skeleton, you figure it’s now best to kill him with kindness. You take his cheekbone, smile, and stroke his face, smiling to better accomplish your payback.

When he looks at you -- far too earnest and warm for your liking -- you flinch and have a sudden, unconscious change of plans.

“You’re enough, you know that?” you comment, words practically slipping from your mouth. “Maybe I don’t fully understand what happened at the Underground, but... But I'd say you’ve shown you care enough to improve things you don’t like about yourself. And you've also been pretty blunt and honest with me so far, so there’s that, too.” You kiss his cheekbone, ending on a note far more wholehearted than you originally intended your payback to be. “Try to remember that next time you start criticizing yourself like that again.”

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

• • •

Hello!

Before getting into some important stuff, this was meant to be yesterday's update, but I didn't have my laptop available at the time, hence the delay! I was able to update on other sites, but here I use the "keep reading" feature, which can only be accessed through a computer. (As far as my knowledge of that goes, of course -- I'm still learning how to use Tumblr!)

Now, moving to the important stuff:

A few changes will be going underway soon, such as adding the chapter navigation at the bottom of each update from the Prologue to Chapter Ten. As I mentioned in a previous author note about how late I realized I was missing something necessary for clicking on the next chapter more easily: I'm a dumbass, lol.

Also, I've made the decision of creating separate fanfics for the 4 other characters tagged in this story, along with a poll to decide which one I should work with first (as it was shown at the end of Chapter Fifteen, we've finally reached the exposition part of this fanfic, meaning other relationships will be introduced soon)! The reason why is not only to avoid coming off as misleading for those who're looking for a fanfic of that specific character only, but because rewriting this story led to it becoming much more slow burning, thus delaying the relationship development with plenty of characters. As a result, I'll modify the tags to all 16 chapters that've been published so far!

Hopefully, all those changes will be finished by next Friday. :-)

As always, take care and stay safe!

• • •

Tag List (Comment or message me if you want to be added to [or removed from] it!)

@the-simp-express

@nektotersh

@disastrous-l0vebug

@therealchickenjoe

@mintyflakes025

@pandaquick

@timelock97

@candle-creeps

@paperb9gs

[ynbutwithoutheyn]

The Princess' Composition

Chapter One || WC: 1.4k

Long, long ago, in a far away land, there was a princess and her piano teacher... and they hated each other's guts. She thinks he's heartless and he thinks she's a spoiled brat. Neither of them are interested in having anything to do with the other. Only now, the King and fate are forcing them together.

"No, Your Highness, that was the wrong note. Start from the beginning." My fingers twitched as they jumped away from the keys. My hands were cramping from how long I've been playing the piano. I've been rehearsing but one song, Minuet in G Major, not even having made it past the halfway mark before being told to restart by my instructor. I have no bearings of just how long I've been practicing for, only that it has been long enough to see the shadows in the room extend until they were no more. "Your posture, Your Highness." My shoulders pull back into place, my head held high once again, in annoyance rather than pride.

Subconsciously, my jaw tightens as I move my fingers back to their starting position. Irritation and frustration flood each inch of my body as I begin to play. My hands move fluidly over the keys, muscle memory ingrained in my fingers. The notes flow and melt together, creating a pleasing sound that echoes across the large, vacant room. Whether it was negligence or pure fatigue, I don't know. I do know that my pinky slipped and accidentally hit the two keys instead of one. It was just a tiny sound. There's no way he could've noticed. Right? Without hesitation, I continue my piece-

"Your Highness, a mistake like that won't go unnoticed. I would think after all these hours you would show some improvement. Again." He grabbed my wrist, yanking me away from the keys. I cannot tell if my jaw is on the floor or not because of how in shock I am. "Mr. Deighton, as if speaking to me in such a manner wasn't insulting enough, putting your hands on me like that..." The palm of my hand met with his cheek the moment I ripped away from his grasp. "Do not ever demean me like that again." I stood up, watching the imprint of my hand surface on his cold face. "I'm sorry, Your Highness, but unlike your other servants, I do not see any benefit in coddling you. Your actions don't have any consequences, to begin with. If you want to act like a spoiled child, I'll treat you as such."

"'Coddle me'?" I couldn't help but laugh despite myself at his reasoning, "I can assure you, you're doing far from it. Maybe if you didn't push me past the point of exhaustion, I could retain something! Let alone teach me through demonstration. If I knew any better, I would assume you tricked my father into hiring you the way you seem repulsed by touching the keys yourself!" Soon my emotions consumed me completely. My voice grew in volume and passion with each passing sentence. I couldn't help myself. Nor could I realize just how loud I got until my lady in waiting, Lucille, came rushing into the room.

"Princess Serene! My dear, what is all this commotion?" Immediately, Lucille was at my side, cupping my face like a doting mother. Her eyes scanned over my face, looking to see if a hair on my head was misplaced. "I'm sorry for worrying you, Lucille. I'm quite alright. Please don't fret." Seeing her so upset dissipated any remaining anger left in me; instead, I felt guilty for causing such a scene. I placed a gentle hand on her head, giving her a reassuring smile. It seemed like yesterday that I was a little girl, reaching up to wrap my arms around her waist. Now, I'm looking down at this sweet woman with all the same love in my heart. Only this time, there's a complete brute next to me.

"Oh good," Lucille's face relaxes finally, promptly noticing the man who has remained silently sitting, "Mr. Deighton, would you care to- My stars! That mark on your cheek..." Her hand flies up to her open mouth. Her eyes dart over to me, knowing very well I'm the only one to blame for this. I can see the cogs in her brain turn as she pieces together the context of what she has stumbled upon. It takes him a moment to reply, giving a heavy sigh before elaborating. "Mrs. Moore, I'm the one at fau-" "It's just a flush, Lucille. It's terribly hot in this room, what with all those windows. After such a lengthy lesson stuck in here, Mr. Deighton and I are just a tad fatigued and overheated."

I could not tell you why I lied. It would've been believable if I wasn't caught red-handed- Well if he wasn't caught with a red-handed face. He was the one in the wrong, after all. Maybe I figured it would save me the trouble. Or maybe I just lied out of pity. I simply could not tell you. "Oh, I see," Lucille looked between the both of us, clearly not fooled, "Mr. Deighton, does that sound right with you?" Without missing a beat, that fictitious smile appeared on his face. "Of course, Mrs. Moore, who am I to go against the word of Her Highness?" I don't know why I lied. I regret

nothing more. I've never met such a horrible man in my life. From his cold expression to his condescending tone and his cruel words, I cannot stand him.

"Ah, well, if that's the case, I must get Princess Serene on her way, or else she'll be late for supper. Thank you for your time, Mr. Deighton." Lucille tactfully defuses the situation once again, taking my hand to lead me out. "Of course, I wouldn't dream of holding up her schedule; Your Highness, thank you for the honor of teaching you." With an exaggerated bow and a smile that didn't reach his eyes, he said his parting through gritted teeth. "Thank you for the lesson, Mr. Deighton. Every lesson with you is such a pleasure." With a curtsy and another smile that didn't quite reach the eyes, I turn my back to him, nearly dragging Lucille behind me. Taking care to close the door behind us with a heavy thud.

"Oh Lucille, what a miserable man! In all of my life, I have never met such an obnoxious, rude man. I have never been manhandled in such a manner before." While helping me change into my evening wear, I spill my guts to a very attentive Lucille. "My Dear," sighing, she ties up the back of the gown, occasionally looking at my dejected expression in the mirror. "I know Mr. Deighton isn't an easy person to get along with. I don't even understand why he took a position in the castle since he seems to resent it since he arrived. What a shame, such a young man being so worn already." She finishes off my gown, turning me to face her. "Please promise me you'll try to keep peace with him. Your debutante ball is soon and, your father is already driven mad planning it. Just a little bit longer and, this whole mess will be done."

Lucille is right. Tensions are at an all-time high around the castle as everyone is prepping me to find my perfect suitor. I should try to worry my father as little as possible. Bringing up what happened with that man will only make it harder for him and the rest of the people working here. I nod my head in agreement, hoping I can keep said promise. Lucille cups my face, bringing it lower so she can press her lips against my forehead. "That's my girl. You know, I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You've always been strong-headed like that since you were a little girl..." She trails off, a faraway look in her eyes as she recalls distant memories. "It's hard to believe you're so grown now." Her voice becomes hoarse, tears pooling in her eyes. While the rest of her face showed few signs of the toll of time, her eyes never lost that same sparkle from all these years.

"Thank you, Lucille. You're my best friend, you know that?" Her eyes crinkle as she laughs. "Oh, Serene, you've been in the castle for too long to have an old lady like me as your best friend... You're mine, too, though."

[antiadvil]

We’re Getting Married!

PG13, 2.8k

video title: We’re Getting Married! uploaded: December 8, 2019 by AmazingPhil Description: We talk about our relationship with each other, our audience, and appropriate creator/audience boundaries. Sorry we couldn’t find a wedding venue that would fit three million people!

read more or read on ao3

A/N: *** indicates a jump cut. this is filmed in Phil’s bedroom bc in an imagined universe with joint content I can fulfill all my nostalgic fantasies oh also warning for discussion of the vday video if you're not into that

“Hey guys! Today I’m here with a very special surprise guest-”

Dan’s voice interrupted Phil from off camera. "Are you not going to put me in the thumbnail?"

Phil laughed. "I mean, probably."

"So I'm not much of a surprise."

"I guess not. Anyway, we have a special announcement-"

"Phil. They read the title. Why do your video intros always assume no one reads your titles?"

"Hey! I haven't decided what I’m going to title it yet."

Dan came into frame and flopped onto the bed with him. "Sure you haven't. You know exactly what will get this video the maximum number of clicks, you goddamn-"

Phil threw his hand over Dan’s mouth. “Stop.”

He yanked it back almost immediately. “Did you just lick me?”

Dan smiled. “Maybe.”

“You’re disgusting. I’m going to go wash my hands with bleach,” Phil said, climbing off of his bed.

“Can you bring me a glass of water?” Dan called after him. “I’m thirsty.”

Phil called something back. It was entirely bleeped out.

***

“Count of three,” Phil said. “One, two, three-”

“We’re getting married!” Dan’s normally large hand gestures were carefully constrained by the glass of water in his right hand.

“Some of you are probably confused-” Phil said.

“Some of you are probably hyperventilating,” Dan interrupted, “And I’d like to say that while you’re valid, get a life that is not vicariously lived through our relationship. Please.”

“So let’s do a bit of background first,” Phil finished. “So I think most of you who follow us know that Dan and I met on the internet in 2009 and then we met up later the same year, which is when we filmed the first Phil is not on fire.”

“What you probably know if you watched my coming out video is that the whole time, we were super gay for each other,” Dan added. “What I didn’t really get into is that we’re still super gay for each other.”

“Wait, we are?”

Dan shrugged, setting his water on Phil’s nightstand. “I mean, I’m still super gay for you.”

Phil frowned. “I don’t know if I’d describe it that way.”

“Well, this is awkward,” Dan muttered.

“Anyway, we’ve been dating ever since then, and we thought we’d give a quick little recap of our relationship for those of you who just got here. So, I already mentioned that we met in 2009-”

“Obligatory disclaimer, we don’t endorse travelling a hundred and fifty miles to meet a guy who’s four years older than you that you met on the internet, even if you were the one who stalked him first.”

“Hey!” Phil laughed.

“But anyway,” Dan continued, “Phil and I met in a public place before going to his house and it turned out he wasn’t an axe murderer, so everything was fine.”

“What would you have done if I was?” Phil asked.

“You know, that’s a really great question. I maybe should have thought a little bit more about that.”

“So, we’re not even five minutes into the video and the biggest takeaway is that you should never have come to meet me?”

Dan nodded. “Our entire relationship was a mistake. I’m sorry, everyone, time to go home.”

“So poor life choices aside, we met in 2009, filmed Phil is not on fire, and just generally hung out a lot.”

“Hung out is one word for what we spent most of our time doing, but since this is Phil’s channel, let’s leave it at that.” Dan winked.

“Hey!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Look me in the eye and tell me that is not what we spent most of our time together doing.”

“That is not what we spent most of our time doing.”

“Okay then, if you say so-”

“I do-” Phil insisted.

“Then we’ll leave it at that. We visited a lot, but, full disclosure, long distance sucks, which was a big factor in my decision to attend uni in Manchester. You probably already know how that went down.” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Apart from the uni part, though, it was really nice being so close by, so we moved in together in 2011.”

“And then there was what you will probably know as the Valentine’s day video,” Dan said with a grimace.

“Dan and I don’t really feel comfortable discussing the details of that whole thing because that video was very personal to us.”

Dan smiled in Phil’s direction. “I still have a copy.”

“But seriously, if you’re not me or Dan, I’d really appreciate it if you’d remove any copies you’ve posted on the internet and delete any copies you may have saved, out of respect for our privacy.”

“Believe me, I know nothing I can say will make that video disappear. My entire life is just proof that anything you put on the internet is permanent. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it now, but I want people to understand that all the speculation about my sexuality that came up when that video resurfaced really hurt me. Don’t do that. Seriously. If you think a celebrity or a YouTuber or whoever is hiding their sexuality, just let them. You don’t know what’s happening in their lives, and honestly, you’re not entitled to, either.”

Phil nodded. “Also, that was a really hard time for us as a couple as well as personally. I don’t think a lot of people realize the pressure being constantly under a microscope has on a relationship, which is one of the reasons we chose not to share our relationship and why we still don’t feel comfortable sharing everything about it.”

“Which is fine! Neither of us are ashamed of our relationship. We’re not hiding anything. We just aren’t really looking forward to reading newspaper headlines about our relationship, which really doesn’t seem like it should be news. Like, it’s our relationship, not the entire world’s relationship,” Dan explained.

“Really, it seems so weird to us that people even care about it. Like, it’s flattering and all, don’t get me wrong, but it was also a bit scary at first when we weren’t out.”

“It’s like, remember in my coming out video how I mentioned that when that guy said I gave off a bi vibe it really scared me? Having strangers on the internet tell me that my relationship with Phil was obvious was scary when even my parents didn’t know. The shipping was fine. It was mostly the speculation that was scary.”

“But we made it.” Phil put his hand on Dan’s leg and smiled.

Dan smiled back, almost forgetting the camera in the room. “God, there were some days I thought we wouldn’t. But we did. And I love you.”

Phil smiled even wider and swiped at his eyes.

Dan’s smile grew to a smirk. “Are you crying? Oh my god, you are such a dork.”

“Your mum’s a dork,” Phil muttered.

Dan reached for his phone. “I’m telling her you said that.”

“No!” Phil threw his shoulder into Dan’s chest, sending him sprawling against Phil’s bed.

Dan laughed. “Ow. Hey, Siri, call Mu-”

Phil put his hand over Dan’s mouth. “Stop.”

Dan’s phone chirped from the other side of the bed. “Okay. Calling Mum.”

Dan scrambled to reach it. “Oh shit, oh fuck, should I hang up?”

“Dan! You can’t call your mum and then hang up on her.”

“Shut up, rat, this is your fau- Oh, hey, Mum!”

“Hi!” Phil said.

“Oh, hello, Dan! And Phil. Is everything alright?”

“You need to call your mum more often, Dan, if every time she picks up she asks if something’s wrong,” Phil said.

Dan’s mum laughed. 

“Shut up, Phil. No, Mum, nothing’s wrong, just wanted to catch up.”

***

“So, I’m never jokingly asking Siri to call anyone ever again,” Dan said.

“Why? Was calling your mum that horrible?” Phil laughed.

“Shut up, Phil. That was your fault.” 

“Does your mum watch your videos?” Phil asked.

“Not really.”

“I’m sending her a link to this one.”

“I hate you,” Dan said quietly.

“You too.”

***

"Now, Phil, we've been dating for a pretty long time." 

Phil shrugged. "Only like ten years.”

"So, Phil, why did we wait so long for this?"

Phil nodded. "Well, first of all, it wasn't legal for a pretty long time."

"Right. Civil partnerships were a thing in 2004, but I'm lame and traditional, and same sex marriage was only legalized in 2014. That's half of our relationship, for some perspective."

"And, fun fact," Phil added, "Same sex marriage is still illegal in Northern Ireland."

Dan frowned. "That was not a fun fact. That was a very sad fact."

"But it's a true fact," Phil protested.

"Moving on, again!" Dan said. "I also wanted my family to be there, and, well, I'm a mess who didn't even come out to them until like six months ago."

Phil patted Dan's shoulder comfortingly. "You're not a mess."

Dan stared at the camera. "I'm a mess."

"Okay, fine. You're a little bit of a mess."

Dan turned to Phil in mock outrage. “You think I’m a mess?”

“No! I-”

Dan turned back to the camera. “You heard it here, folks. Phil is judging me because I took my time coming out. Phil hates closeted people.”

Phil glared at him. “I’m never agreeing with you ever again.”

“This relationship is off to a great start!”

***

“So back to the original question! Why now, Dan?”

“Well, Phil, now that I’m out to my family we can have a proper wedding, and now that we’re out to our viewers we don’t have to worry about one of our own personal stalkers finding our marriage records.” 

“Also, marriage does come with a lot of cool perks,” Phil added.

“Gotta get those sweet, sweet tax benefits.”

“And that sweet, sweet, societal recognition of our relationship.”

“Also, it makes buying a house and general joint property ownership way simpler, which will make it a lot easier to take all of Phil’s subscribers in the inevitable divorce.”

Phil laughed. “What?”

Dan blinked. “Sorry, I didn’t say anything. Did you hear something?”

“Well, I thought I heard you say you were going to divorce me and take my subscribers.”

Dan shook his head, his expression deeply offended. “Why would I say that? Who would do such a thing?”

Phil stared solemnly at the camera. “Gaslighting is a form of abuse.”

“Thank you for the PSA, Phil.”

“Just documenting the abuse I’m currently suffering under so that I can take all your subscribers in the divorce,” Phil said.

Dan frowned. “Okay, I wasn’t going to say anything, but you sounded really serious just then so I now feel the need to clarify that I am not abusing Phil and also, domestic violence is not funny.”

Phil laughed. “No actual abuse.”

Dan sighed. “We’re terrible people, aren’t we?”

“I mean, we’re not terrible people.”

Dan laughed. “We’re just bad people, with terrible senses of humor. That’s so much better.”

“We can edit it out if-” Phil started.

“I mean, it’s your channel-” Dan said.

They stared at each other for a moment before shrugging in unison. “Whatever,” they said, still in unison.

***

“So, Phil, what’s changing for our viewers?” Dan asked.

“Literally nothing. We’ll be taking a short break from uploading-”

“Which I do all the time! So I doubt you’ll even notice.”

“But we’re not going to change the types of videos we upload. This isn’t a relationship channel.”

Dan winked. “As much as you might want it to be.” 

“Seriously, though. We’re not even changing our names. Nothing’s changing,” Phil assured the camera.

“But in case it wasn’t clear, here are some FAQs.”

Phil pulled out a stack of notecards and put on his best announcer voice. “Are we invited?”

Dan smiled. “No.”

Phil flipped to the next card. “Kiss!”

“That’s not a question, but somehow, the answer is still no.”

Phil laughed. “I think a photo of us kissing would actually break the internet.”

Dan shrugged. “Really, we’re just being kind to your internet providers.”

“Lester-Howell or Howell-Lester?”

“We already answered that, Phil. You really need to screen these questions better, especially since you wrote them.”

“Answer it anyway,” Phil pleaded.

Dan sighed heavily. “Neither. I would never saddle my child with two last names.”

“Child?” Phil turned to the camera with an exaggerated gasp.

Dan smiled. “That’s all you’re getting. Let the fanfiction writing begin.”

Phil paused. “Wait, so whose last name-”

“Honestly, I was just joking because neither of us are changing our names, but if you want to have a Dan versus Phil to see who gets to name our child-”

“I’m good.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Phil turned to the next card. “Wedding photos?”

“Is that a question or a demand? Please don’t hack my hard drive.”

“Top or bottom?”

“There is no way anyone actually thinks we’ll answer that.”

“Probably not.” Phil flipped again. “And last, but definitely not least, why are we telling our viewers?”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say that we’re telling a lot more people than our viewers. But I never had any healthy models for queer relationships when I was a kid, and if I can provide that, I don’t see why not.” Dan’s voice was surprisingly serious.

“Think of us like your parents,” Phil added. “We’re here to show you how healthy relationships work, but we’re not here to show you everything. Partly because we need some privacy and partly because that would be gross.”

Dan was wincing as soon as he heard the word “parents.” “Phil, Phil, please stop. Do not encourage our audience to think of us as their parents. Did you learn nothing from our tumblr tag? Please never say those words again.”

“Fine, I’ll edit them out.”

Dan shook his head. “You said it, Phil. You can’t escape it.”

“Okay, well, at least give another response so I can decide if I want to keep it in,” Phil persuaded, in the soft, natural, voice he normally saved for off camera.

Dan gave an exaggerated sigh. “Honestly, hiding a relationship is just so much work. Especially a marriage. And you guys are total stalkers. Like seriously. Get a life. Please.”

“That’s better! And much more fitting with who our audience is.”

“Phil, I’m the one who gets to insult our fans. You’re the one who says we love them and appreciate them.”

“We do!” Phil insisted.

“Do we?” Dan asked skeptically.

“Yes.” Phil laughed, staring at Dan in disbelief.

“Kidding,” Dan muttered, flashing a smile at the camera. “Please buy my merch.”

Phil sighed. “Danielhowellshop.com?”

Dan smiled. “Also, while you’re at it, check out my good friend Phil’s merch at amazingphilshop.com!”

Phil stared straight at the camera. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“You know what, we’re such close friends that we also have a joint merch shop, danandphilshop.com. You could begin there, Phil.”

“Is it too early for a divorce?” Phil asked.

“Yes. You’re stuck with me.”

“Am I really?”

“Just think about the tax benefits. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and remember how much money you’re going to save by marrying me.”

Phil shook his head. “It’s not worth it.”

Dan pouted.

***

“For more videos like this-”

“Phil. We’re never making another video like this again.”

“For more videos not like this, click on my face to subscribe to my channel, click on Dan’s face to subscribe to his channel-”

“I have plans to actually upload a video this year-”

“And for our joint channel, click here.” Phil raised their joined hands.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to edit this video, upload it, and disconnect my internet for at least a month.”

Dan turned to Phil. “That’s not a bad idea, actually. I’m not sure I want to open tumblr for the next six years.”

Phil cringed. “Me neither. Guys, please try not to go too crazy. I lost friends over the protip incident of 2016.”

Dan shuddered. “So many people refuse to talk to us now. I’m not even joking.”

“We appreciate the support!” Phil insisted.

“Just like, maybe on our videos instead of completely random ones,” Dan suggested.

Phil nodded. “Anyway, if you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up, or leave a comment. Like I said, Dan and I will be taking a short break from YouTube and social media for the wedding and honeymoon, but we’ll be back soon with plenty of content.”

“I don’t want to see any of your conspiracy theories about how we’re leaving YouTube out there, I promise it’ll only be like a month.”

“And that’s the normal amount of time between two Dan videos,” Phil interjected, “So-”

“Hey! I said I would upload this year.”

Phil smiled. “Never said you wouldn’t.”

***

“Count of three again?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded. “Three, two, one-”

“Goodbye!”

[heyyyharry]

what about a blurb about niall and flatmate!y/n cuz we don’t see that much of their friendship:)

I can totally imagine them planning a surprise birthday party for Layla together (just like they did with Niall’s proposal).

.

So Harry comes home one day and sees them writing birthday wishes to Layla. The original idea was to ask people who love Layla to write something to her. But after buying like a ton of paper and colorful pens, they realize there aren’t that many people who love Layla and more who fear her. So they’ve decided to just write as many wishes as they can come up with, pretending they are from different people.

Harry is more confused about his best friend hanging out with his girlfriend than the fact that they’re sprawling on the living room floor, drawing and coloring something.

”What are you up to?” He asks, hands on his hips yet they don’t even bother to look at him.

“Writing birthday wishes for Layla,” replies Niall.

“And why am I excluded from all this fun?” Harry asks, but neither of them seems to care.

“Because, my love,” Y/N says as she looks up, trying not to laugh. “Everything you do pisses her off so we’re just saving you from all that trouble.”

Harry scoffs at the comment. “Everything I do does not piss her off.”

Suddenly, they hear Layla’s voice in the hallway and all three become paralyzed.

“Hey Dumb and Dumber, have you seen my boyfriend?!”

“Shit, take this and hide!” Niall freaks out as he gathers everything on the floor in a heartbeat and shoving it to Y/N, who pushes it right back to him.

“You hide, it’s more suspicious that you’re here!”

“Oh, right!” Niall gasps then immediately carries all that stuff and flees to the bedroom. He locks the door just in time his girlfriend barges in.

“He’s not here,” says Harry before Layla even asks. He looks as calm as ever while Y/N is still gasping for air.

“What’s wrong with you?” Layla raises an eyebrow at her.

“I…uh…I was…doing cardio…” She lies, still trying to catch her breath.

Layla rolls her eyes and immediately turns to point a finger at Harry. “This is your fault for not taking her to the gym.”

“Why is everything my fau—“

“Shut up, Dumber!” Shouts Layla before she exits the flat and shuts the door on her way out. That’s when the bedroom door creaks open and Niall pokes his head out.

“See? Everything you do pisses her off,” he says, giving Y/N a high five while Harry stands there, looking offended.

“But I didn’t do anything!”

“Well, you were standing there,” Y/N jokes as she gives Niall another high five.

“Okay, you.” Harry scrunches up his nose and pulls his giggly girlfriend back to his side, pointing a finger at Niall who’s now laughing uncontrollably. “You are a bad influence for my girl.”

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 1, part 3

Time to kick back and stop writing so much. I’ve earned it. I’m not going through all of my gambling advice to see if I did really awesome. Pretty sure Georgia Tech beat the spread against Clemson. Direct hit! So I am your guru.

Gambles with me and find the worst college football a viewer can find, I says. That’s the best way to live on a Saturday in the fall. Well, close enough.

What is there to say about this slate of games that hasn’t already been said? The schedules are per FBSchedules. The gambling infos are per Vegas Insider. If you lose money that’s on you. If you win money I’ve earned a commission. I’m just going ahead and taking this all the way through Monday because I’m already bored of this season.

Saturday, August 31

Matchup                                                               Time (ET)          TV/Mobile

South Alabama at 24 Nebraska                          12:00pm              ESPN

Nebraska is ranked. USA is probably not the team to expose them but that’s a mistake. Scott Frost is going to have to rely on an even lower tier of Florida talent to win in a tougher conference. He’s got believers for now.

Indiana vs. Ball State (in Indianapolis, IN)           12:00pm              CBSSN

Indiana is a 17 point favorite. Is that a typo?

Toledo at Kentucky                                               12:00pm               SECN

There are way too many footballs for me to deal with right now. I’m just gonna start listing off winners and throwing out numbers that have nothing to do with betting lines. Kentucky by 4!

University of Mississippi at Memphis                  12:00pm                ABC

Memphis by 18!

Northern Iowa at 21 Iowa State                              12:00pm                FS1

I was wrong about David Montgomery! Sort of. I said he wouldn’t go as the first running back and wouldn’t go in the first round. Direct hits!

Indiana State at Kansas                                          12:00pm                FSN

Oh, shit, here we go! I actually stopped to look this one up because of course I’m interested in Les Miles at Kansas. His presence has probably changed this from a pick ‘em to a -4.5 for Kansas. Plus: Kansas is favored! Minus: Indiana State has one good athlete in school history and he played basketball for them 40 years ago. And Kansas is only favored by 4.5.

Mississippi State vs. Louisiana (in New Orleans, LA)   12:00pm       ESPNU

Never going to learn which directional LA school goes by Louisiana. Miss State by 1!

Howard at Maryland                                                 12:00pm               BTN

Talent usually wins out. Howard by 14.

Florida Atlantic at 5 Ohio State                               12:00pm               FOX

FAU by 35.

East Carolina at NC State                                        12:00pm              ACCN

NC State by something.

Boise State at Florida State                                     12:00pm          ESPNews

LOL - this was such a good game when it was scheduled. Who would have guessed that neither team would be ranked and it would air as an ACCNe alternate? Boise by 20.

Akron at Illinois                                                         12:00pm              BTN

Poor poor Illinois.

James Madison at West Virginia                               2:00pm             ATTSN

Not sure I’m ready for the next chapter of WFV football, tbch.

Rhode Island at Ohio                                                   2:00pm             ESPN+

Is ESPN+ considered a higher tier or lower tier than ESPNNews?

Bucknell at Temple                                                       3:00pm            ESPN3

Finally, the Manny Diaz Era kicks off for Temple football.

Eastern Washington at 13 Washington                       3:00pm           Pac-12N

Jacob Eason is going to get drafted over Jake Fromm. UDub by 58.

Eastern Michigan at Coastal Carolina                         3:30pm            ESPN+

CCU by 32. Book it.

Georgia State at Tennessee                                          3:30pm           ESPNU

Tennessee still sucks. At least we all have that.

Holy Cross at Navy                                                        3:30pm            CBSSN

Navy has been destroyed by injuries the last couple of seasons but maybe they can get some good luck this year and get back to winning 10 and beating Notre Dame? Middies by 600 rushing yards.

ETSU at Appalachian State                                            3:30pm            ESPN+

Appy State by 32.

South Carolina vs. North Carolina (in Charlotte, NC)    3:30pm            ESPN

Mack Brown is back in Chapel Hill but there isn’t a lot of talent there. There’s a decent amount of talent at USCe but Coach Boom is still there. Sakerlina by 12.

Duke vs. 2 Alabama (in Atlanta, GA)                               3:30pm             ABC

Bammers by 64, Tua back in the good graces of Heisman voters.

Colgate at Air Force                                                         3:30pm         ESPN3

Toothpaste by 8.

Idaho at 15 Penn State                                                    3:30pm           BTN

Idaho self-relegated and rewarded themselves with a trip to Stepford. Penn State is going to win by 80.

Portland State at Arkansas                                             4:00pm          SECN

Virginia Tech at Boston College                                    4:00pm           ACCN

This might be two good teams. I’m not sure. 

Northwestern at 25 Stanford                                           4:00pm          FOX

I don’t think I can do any more of this. Let me check back in the morning to see if I want to update the rest of these.

IN THE MEANTIME ENJOY OUR HOLD MUSIC

CONTINUED!!!!!!

Montana State at Texas Tech                                         4:00pm          FSN

Lubbock is less handsome this year but they could be better for it. Montana State by 3.

Campbell at Troy                                                               6:00pm     ESPN+

This is a huge rivalry between former frat brothers. Troy by 27.

Incarnate Word at UTSA                                                   6:00pm        ESPN3

Isn’t Incarnate Word working towards D-1A or some nonsense? The FKA Cokers are still ESPN3 material, which means they’re better than FSU and Boise State. UTSA by 33.

Sam Houston State at New Mexico                                 6:00pm       MWN

New Mexico is only a 9 point favorite. That seems bad. Sam Houston State Houston Sams with the big upset here. 5 point win, 8-3.

22 Syracuse at Liberty                                                       6:00pm      ESPN+

I have no doubt in my mind that Bernie guy actually was a child molester but ESPN’s story was based on a guy saying they had sex when he was like 21 years old. I never understood that. Anyway, you absolutely hate to see Syracuse ranked in any sport. It’s an affront against god and man. Liberty is also an affront against god and man. But at least the Falwell’s pay their young male escorts exceptionally well. Liberty by 12.

UC Davis at California                                                       6:30pm   Pac-12N

Berkley vs. Davis. At least one of these starting QBs will be a mid-round prospect next year that some NFL fan base is forced to pretend they’re excited about.

VMI at Marshall                                                                  6:30pm     Stadium

Marshall by 47.

Monmouth at Western Michigan                                     7:00pm     ESPN3

Monmouth in a blowout, 14-13.

Stephen F. Austin at Baylor                                              7:00pm    ESPN+

As much as I want the Six Million Dollar Men to beat the only athletic program as hateful as Sparty or Penn State, I don’t think they have the bionic powers to do it. Six million dollars isn’t really very much for a football player in Texas.

SMU at Arkansas State                                                     7:00pm       ESPN+

Oh, yeah, Arkansas State is the one that’s FBS-level, not Central Arkansas. Oh, well, nothing we can do about that now. Fade SMU and take the over. Whatever that may mean.

Norfolk State at Old Dominion                                          7:00pm    ESPN3

Soon to be the state’s premier football rivalry, no doubt. The ODU #45s are the obvious favorite here. I bet they win by 22 points. So gamble accordingly.

Nicholls at Kansas State                                                     7:00pm     ESPN+

The excitement is palpable! Can Les Miles lead his gang of criminals to victory over the world’s premier screenwriting fellowship? YOU COULDN’T WRITE A BETTER UNDERDOG STORY THAN THAT!

Illinois State at NIU                                                             7:00pm   ESPN+

Fuck this game. NIU by 3 or so, I guess.

Alcorn State at Southern Miss                                            7:00pm      ESPN+

25 years ago Air McNair II was leading Alcorn State and he should have won a Heisman and I have no other thoughts on this.

Abilene Christian at North Texas                                       7:30pm       ESPN+

Go Spencer’s school! Beat the fucking Christians! I hate Christians!

16 Auburn vs. 11 Oregon (in Arlington, TX)                         7:30pm       ABC

Oh, this is why they were showing the “for all the Tostitos” game yesterday. Well, my gut tells me the War Eagle Tigers are a better team than the Ducks but that’s just SEC bias, to be honest. Patrick Nix’s kid starts as a true freshman which, if history serves, means he’ll ball out tonight, get progressively worse through the season, get benched at some point, then get humiliated when he comes back as the starter in a rivalry game (the rivalry game in all of college football tbch) and then he’ll show up somewhere else next year with immediate eligibility because he’s not moving for some frivolous reason like his mom is dying and his family’s going bankrupt.

3 Georgia at Vanderbilt                                                         7:30pm     ESPN

Vandy got the homefield for this one. Weird opener UGA. But a “tough” conference win in the early going is worth some #1 votes. Georgia by 84.

Georgia Southern at 6 LSU                                                  7:30pm       SECN

LSU has the best player in college football this year. Expect him to be injured either this week or next.

Miami (Ohio) at 20 Iowa                                                        7:30pm            FS1

Iowa has some shiny NFL prospect on their roster but I forget who it is. Is this where the ePenis plays? Whatever, this game is for the kids. Every Iowa home game is for the kids. Hawkeyes by 23.

Middle Tennessee at 7 Michigan                                          7:30pm         BTN

I have an inexplicable fondness for Jim Harbaugh but I can’t deny the joy I would get from seeing the Wolverines crash and burn in week 1. That’s always fun for everybody.

Missouri at Wyoming                                                             7:30pm   CBSSN

Mizzourah by 46.

Virginia at Pitt                                                                          7:30pm      ACCN

I could have sworn UVA was ranked. Guess not. Pitt is the pits (!!!) so the Hoos should dominate. Virginia by 6.

Louisiana Tech at 10 Texas                                                     8:00pm        LHN

Horns at #10 seems dangerous. That’s a bad idea, isn’t it? I’ve got Texas unranked until proven otherwise. And UT losing week 1 would be even funnier than Michigan doing it.

Grambling State at ULM                                                          8:00pm     ESPN3

So Monroe isn’t the one that goes by “Louisiana” now.

Houston Baptist at UTEP                                                       8:00pm      ESPN+

Oh, come on. This game does not need to exist. UTEP -17.5 is probably fine.

UAPB at TCU                                                                            8:00pm       FSN

TCU is unranked so they’ll go undefeated this year. Arkansas-Pine Box is going to get buried by 50+.

Weber State at San Diego State                                            9:00pm  Facebook

Oh, yeah, here comes the fun stuff. The dumb stuff. Let’s hear it for the Mountain West! What SDSU rusher will capture my heart this season?

Southern Utah at UNLV                                                        10:00pm    MWN

Last home opener at Sam Boyd Stadium, a place hated by all who ever visited it. I am not in that number yet but when it cools down I might feel compelled.

New Mexico State at 23 Washington State                        10:00pm Pac-12N

The very heart of Pac after darkness. Mike Leach has a new QB. Now what? Wazzou will still score but they will probably go back to stopping nobody. A year further removed from Alex Grinch is not going to help.

Fresno State at USC                                                            10:30pm     ESPN

USC had a real solid opportunity to fire Clay Helton but didn’t because it would have been too expensive. Think about how stupid that is. Go (CS)FSU.

Sunday, September 1

Matchup                                                                           Time (ET)    TV/Mobile

Houston at 4 Oklahoma                                                   7:30pm        ABC

Holgo to Houston feels like a circle is being completed somehow. Will the ghost of Jack Pardee smile down on the Cougs? D’Eriq King could go a long way towards becoming a national name with any sort of highlights in this one and, remember, Oklahoma’s defense has been remarkably bad the last several seasons. The o/u for this game is 83! Houston plus the points, baby, do it!

Monday, September 2

Matchup                                                                             Time (ET)  TV/Mobile

9 Notre Dame at Louisville                                                 8:00pm        ESPN

Brian Kelly really got a kid killed and the university paid his way out of it and he’s still coaching there and they’ll probably win 10+ games again this year. What a terrible world we live in.

[grumpyzutara]

New Found Memory

What do you do when you wake up from a one-night stand and don’t remember anything? Well Zuko and Katara just found themselves in that situation.

This is an idealistic view of a one night stand, obviously. Take everything I write with a grain of salt. I tried to keep them in character but it's so hard. Huge inspiration from the song "It's not your fault" by New Found Glory.

Zuko tried to ignore the sniffles in the other room as the guest inside shuffled around. He assumed she was picking up whatever clothes she had in there. When he woke up an hour ago, it didn't take long before he realized what had happened.  

Clothes everywhere. Pounding headache. Naked woman next to him.

At some point in the night, Zuko had taken a woman home and slept with her.

He stared at her face, trying to remember meeting her. She looked so peaceful though as she slept on her stomach, her tan back exposed to him with her dark hair curling everywhere. Not wanting to wake her up, he lightly brushed a lock of hair off her face. If they had met before last night, he would have recognized that face. She must not have worn makeup because nothing was smudged or smeared like he expected.  

Without disturbing her, he had slipped out of the bed and grabbed some clothes to put on outside of the room. Zuko had never taken home a woman he didn't know beforehand so he didn't know the protocol. He made his way to the kitchen though, assuming that coffee was a good place to start.

2 cups of coffee, some pain meds and a couple pieces of toast later, he finally heard her wake up. It started with just the rustling of sheets but a soft gasp told him that she didn't know where she was. Then the sniffles as she started to cry.

Fuck.

It worried him that he couldn't remember a thing he did last night. Did they use a condom? If she was as drunk as he apparently was, she couldn't have given full consent. Had she said no? He couldn't imagine forcing himself on a woman, but it was a thought he had to consider.  

Well, it was time to face the music. Finding a large plate, he filled up a mug with coffee and a glass with milk before carrying the plate like a tray to the bedroom door.

He knocked quietly on the door, "Um, I have some coffee? There's milk too." He could only imagine how freaked out she was. "I can set it by the door and leave if you'd like." If he was possibly on his worst behavior last night, he wanted to ensure he was on his best today.

"I'll come out, just give me a second," came her voice. She didn't sound like she had been crying, so maybe he heard her wrong.

"Ok, I'll be, take your time, I'll just be in the kitchen. It's right outside the bedroom." Zuko didn't want to wait outside the door, as if he was a looming figure. Setting the plate on the counter, he grabbed his still warm mug. God, he couldn't even remember her name. He felt so embarrassed. The click of the door opening caught his attention.

She was quite the sight when she stepped out. Her hair was everywhere, eyes watery, and wrapped in the bedspread, he couldn't help but wish this morning happened under other circumstances. She didn't say anything until she was at the high top counter.

"Um, typically I don't steal bed covers, typically I'm not in these situations, but I couldn't find all my clothes. Just let me grab my dress and I'll be out of your way." For how sad her eyes looked, he voice sure sounded strong.

Grabbing her mug and the milk, he placed them in front of her. "Hey don’t worry about it. Have some coffee or toast or something. I know I woke up with a huge headache. Do you need any pain meds?"

Looking around the room, trying to find something, she distractedly replied, "No, I should have some in my purse. Have you seen a blue purse anywhere? Or a green dress?"

Zuko suddenly had a flash of memory that her dress was taken off in the front entrance. They barely shut the door before he was peeling it up. "Ya, one second." He rushed around the corner to grab it for her. The stretchy fabric was bunched in a ball right where he remembered. If only he could remember her name or how they got to that point. Zuko didn't know what to expect when he returned, but her on the ground, still wrapped in the bedspread, crying while drinking her coffee wasn't it. "Hey, hey, hey. It's not your fault. Ok? Please, stop crying. I'm sorry." He babbled, sitting on the ground with her.

He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't even know her. Touching her would most likely not be something she would want so he kept his distance.

"We went to the bar last night joking about finding me a rebound, I didn't think I'd actually have a one night stand!" She was full on crying into the mug now. "And I don't even know your name. I'm so stupid for doing that."

"Hey, it's not your fault. It takes two to tango and all. I...I don't remember your name either, if that makes you feel better? No it probably wouldn't. Look, um, I hardly remember anything from last night, are you, are you sure that we, um, had sex?"

She sniffled to stop the crying as her face blushed red. "Well...um, there didn't seem to be...for the record, this is possibly the most awkward conversation I've ever had, but there wasn't any...fluids down there when I woke up. So it's possible we didn't. But I woke up butt naked. So something happened. The last thing I remember is saying goodbye to my friends as we grabbed an Uber." She spoke into the mug, not looking up.

"Oh," Zuko's face was blank has he tried to register the new information. She at least was willing to get in a car with him. And she had friends who would be worried about her. "Well, let's remedy one thing. My name's Zuko."

She looked up from her mug, eyes still watery though no longer crying, "I'm Katara."

"Now, let's retrace our steps, maybe we can fill in the gaps. Wait, actually, have you texted your friends? I don't want them to worry."

For the first time that he could remember, which wasn't that long, she gave a small smile. "That's nice of you to say, but I've already texted them. My phone is barely hanging on though. Can I text them your address before it dies?" He rattled it off and she quickly sent it, barely looking at her phone. "Why don't you start with your version of last night?"

Zuko leaned up to grab his lukewarm coffee off the counter. "I had gone to the bar around 9 pm, planning to meet a few friends. I think we had a few drinks but they had encouraged be to have a few shots. Am I crazy for thinking we had a drinking contest?" The memory was hazy, but the vision of empty shot glasses on a round top was there.

A look of realization slowly passed her face. "Yaa, wasn't it based on some song? Before that, I was having a girls night. I recently had a break up and they thought I needed a rebound, or to just have a fun night, no strings attached. I feel like one of them dragged me to your group of friends and I said something about your eyes? I don't really remember."

Zuko couldn't remember her comment, but he was glad she didn't say it was about his scar. "There's nothing coming to mind after the shots. You said we Ubered here? I don't remember."

"I think I said something about calling it a night, and you said that your place was open?" Katara barked out a laugh, "And so I looped my arm in yours and shouted goodnight to my friends." She brought a hand up to massage her forehead.

"So there's this fragment of a memory, that we were making out at the doorway and then I took off your dress. How did we get to that point?" It seemed that neither had made moves on the other yet in their retelling, so when did it happen?

She shook her head and Zuko couldn't help but think how cute she looked. Hair a mess and wrapped in a blanket as if it was freezing outside. The desire to curl up with her was strong. "I don't remember anything after the Uber." After Zuko's face fell, she quickly said, "We're two reasonable adults. Though I don't really remember it, I came back with you willingly last night. Do I regret it, yes, but now that I've calmed down a bit, and with talking it out, I'm not as freaked out before. You seem like a nice guy."

"I've never brought home someone who wasn't my girlfriend before," Zuko blurted out.

"And I've never had a one-night stand either."

"What if," Zuko started to say but then got up to set his mug in the sink, "What if I take you out for breakfast? Wouldn’t that change this from a one-night stand?"

He watched as she swirled her coffee around, thinking it over. "Something greasy does sound good. Would it be weird if I freshened up? Wait, I can't go out in my dress."  

That wasn't something he thought about in the quick time it took him to form breakfast plans. "I should have some elastic sweat-shorts somewhere, they'd be clean. And I have multiple uni shirts leftover. It wouldn't look nice or anything, but I figured we could go to Denny's so." It would be weird for her to wear his clothes, wouldn't it? She should feel grossed out, shouldn't she?

"Well," she sighed before trying to stand up with all the fabric of the bedspread, "If it's the price to pay for cheap food, then I guess it'll work. Do you happen to have an iPhone charger?"

"Ya, there should be one in the bathroom already plugged in you can use. Um, towels are on the rack. Help yourself to anything you see in there. I'll grab some stuff real quick before you hop in."  

"And I'm going to hunt for my purse." He heard her shuffle around the open space while he went to his dresser drawers. By the time he came back she had a huge blue purse in her hands.

"Here you go. Take your time. Let me know if you need anything. Anything at all," Zuko nervously rambled as he handed her the items.

"Thank you Zuko, I'll just be a minute." She walked to the bathroom but before she closed the door, she peeked around the edge back at him, "And for the record Zuko, because I feel like it needs to be said, I don't think you took advantage of me. I see it in your eyes, the worry. So like you said before, it's not your fault." She didn't give him time to respond before quietly closing the door.

Now Zuko just had to waste some time before she was ready. Doing a quick kitchen sink rinse off took only a few minutes and it didn't take long to throw on some sweatpants. But his living room was a bit of a mess so he spent some time cleaning that up.

He was lounging on the couch, charging his own phone, when she came out. Either his friends were still asleep or they were avoiding his text messages.

"Ah, I feel so much better. I felt like I still had bar smell all over me," Katara smiled at him. Her hair was damp and the clothes were too big, but it didn't seem to bother her. "Do you have any flip flops I could borrow? I don't want to wear my heels."

Zuko started looking around, but he wasn't even sure that he had flip flips. Sandals, yes. Flip flops, no. "Um, you know, maybe we should call your friends, they could bring you stuff and we could all go to breakfast together?"

"No! Ahem, no, sorry, my friends should not come out with us." She was blushing red again, confusing him. She nervously adjusted her hair over her shoulder.

"Well I don't have any shoes for you. They could drop off some for you and then leave?"

"Ya, that should work. Suki lives around the corner. I'll just give her a text." She stood up while she texted but tossed it on a chair afterward. "Sorry, they were just giving me a hard time about last night, all good natured, but I just don't want to deal with them just yet." It wasn't even a minute later before Katara's phone starting ringing. "Why is she calling already, she can't be here. One second, it's Suki. Hey, what's up?" Zuko could hear the other voice talking but couldn't make out the words, but apparently Suki was chilling around his corner and her car had a little bit of everything.

"Since you probably don't remember, my apartment is on the first floor with an outside entrance so you don't need any codes or keys."

"Thanks, be right back." And she was out the door.

Zuko was a little worried that she would leave with her friend, but she left her purse behind. He also wanted to go outside and see what her friend would say to her.

He heard her laughter from the doorway before anything else. "Well, they're shoes at least, but Toph is much smaller than me, so don't laugh." It was easy to see why once she came in, her heels hung over the edge completely.

"Ok, you can't tell me not to laugh when I already heard you laughing about it. We'll be the classiest people there," Zuko said, giving her a big smile so as to avoid laughing. "I'm ready to go, are you?"

"Ya I'm as ready as I'll be today. How we getting there, car, bus, walking?"

"It's far enough that I don't feel like walking. I have a car and they have a parking lot. Let's get going then."

The drive was short and sweet and hardly awkward. While the other patrons at the diner weren't exactly classy either, he was happy they were placed in a remote booth off to the side, away from nosy people. It was possible they could both run into people they knew.

"The ultimate omelet is the best after a night out. What are you getting?"

"Well I need to start with another coffee, but waffles and bacon sound good." Zuko watched her glance over the menu.

He chuckled, "For a second there, I thought you were about to say waffles and fried chicken. I would have been impressed."

"Ha, no, I like them separately though. Syrup on chicken just doesn't sound appealing to me."

Their waitress stopped by and quickly took their orders, filling up their mugs on the spot. As the waitress walked away, Katara looked him in the eye, giving a smile, "So, time for 20 questions?"

[rosecolored-gay]

For the wonderful @skylinegay 1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? - Ummm, how'd this happen? 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? - Not talking 3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? - Wouldn't be dating her 4. Is your last name longer than six letters? - Nope, Yates 5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? - Sober 6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? - Yep. 7. What does your last received text say? - "Are you coming home ever?" - My mom 8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? - I think 3? 9. Where was your last kiss at? - The beach 10. When is the last time you saw your sister? - Never since I don't have one 11. What do you drink in the morning? - Tea, or coffee, depends on my mood 12. Where did you sleep last night? - Abe's bed 13. Do you think relationships are hard? - They can be, but if you both put in the effort you need to, they're great. 14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? - Yeah, but I can't. 15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? - No I'd just face the wall 16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? - Depends on what I want to do for the day. Sunny if I want to go out, but rainy if I'm staying in and watching movies 17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? - Nah, my middle name is pretty rare. 18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? - Basketball shorts. 19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? - I would hope to be. 20. Does anyone like you? - Not sure! 21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? - Yes 22. Is the last person you kissed gay? - Super gay 23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? - Plenty of them, but most of them are just my customers at publix 😂 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? - I have one! And I plan on getting more 25. In the past week have you cried? - What's a week without crying at least 5 times? I watch a tv show and I cry 😂 26. What breed was the last dog you saw? - Saint Bernard at the Vet's office, oh my god she was so cute and fluffy 27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? - Out of it, but literally right next to it 28. Have you ever kissed a football player? - Nope 29. Do you think you’re old? - Nope, not for a few years 30. Do you like text messaging? - Yeah, I like texting and messaging on tumblr. But I also really love FaceTime for some reason 31. What type of day are you having? - Well I'm just going home from being with my best friend for 3 days so I'm probably going to just sleep, so I'm not sure what kind of day it'll be if I'm not awake. 32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? - I have mine pierced! 33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? - I love the cold 34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? - James and Efrain 35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? - Relationship. Who wants a fling?? 36. Are you a simple or complicated person? - Hah, I can be both, so it honestly depends. 37. What song are you listening to? - No song sadly, just kittens meowing 38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? - Yes. 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? - Yeah, my best friend and my ex. 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? - Personality 41. When did you last receive a text message? - Like 5 minutes ago from my mom 42. What is wrong with you right now? - I'm super tired 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? - She gave birth to me, so I'd say we're friends 44. Does anyone disgust you? - Trump, Pence, homophobic people, racists, transphobic people. Ya know, the usual assholes of the world. 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? - hm... 46. Are you in a good mood right now? - I guess so, I'm exhausted. 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? - Abrianna 48. What color shirt are you wearing? - Gray, my favorite color 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? - Abe told me I can be "whatever the fuck I want", but I wanted her to tell me I could be a superhero, so that sucks. 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? - Somewhat. 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? - Don't hate, but it broke my heart so.. 52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? - Yeah, but I'm just not talking to them right now. 53. Do you like rain? - Yes! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? - A drink here or there is okay, but nothing crazy or I'm out of there 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? - Hasn't everyone? 56. Do you like to cuddle? - Love to 57. Are you shy? - Can be 58. Do you get along with girls? - Eh, depends 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? - No, it was my mother 60. What do you carry with you at all times? - Probably my phone, as horrible as that sounds. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? - Sure, why not? 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? - I have before, so yes 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? - Yes 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? - Hell yeah 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? - Abe's cat snuggled with me and we took a selfie, it was pretty damn cute 66. How old are the last three people you kissed? - 18,18, and I don't remember because it was over 2 years ago 67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? - I don't get my nails painted so I cut them myself 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? - Neither, they're both ugly 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? - My FAU sticker, and I was planning on another one soon 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? - I hate country and rap. 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? - iPhone 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? - Probably a year ago or so 73. Do you like diet soda? - Yeah it's okay, but I'm trying not to drink soda anymore. 74. What color are the walls in your room? - Blue at the moment, but I'm painting them grey 75. Are you 16 or older? - Yes 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? - No 77. Do you have a job? - Yes, and Bryn is totally jealous because it's Publix 78. What are your initials? - ARY 79. Did you ever have braces? - Nope 80. Are you from the south? - Yeah 81. What does your last status on facebook say? - It was like a year ago, so it's hard to remember 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? - Yeah, he's gay now too 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? - Probably my dad. 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? - Yes, embarrassingly enough, I did gymnastics when I was little. 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? - Sing 86. Do you smoke? - No. I like my lungs the way they are. 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? - Neither? I prefer close toed shoes because I really hate feet. But I guess flip flops. 88. Is your phone touch screen? - Yes 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? - It's normally a wavy mop on my head, but I blow dry it straight so I don't get a Jew-fro 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? - No need to 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? - Pool so nothing touches me 😂 92. Have you ever made out in a car? - yes 93. …Had sex in a car? - ... 94. Are you single or in a relationship? - Single 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? - Sleeping, Abe and I went to bed early 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? - New Years 97. Do you like the camera on your phone? - Not really 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? - No 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? - God no 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? - Probably 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? - Way too gay for that 102. Name your favorite Kesha song: - Who still listens to Kesha? 103. Do you have any tan lines right now? - No I'm just super pale 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? - I'm too short for that.

[auburnfamilynews]

Let me start by laying out a few important things before heading down the dark path I am about to take you on: Auburn now has two losses, both to Top Ten teams,one of which was a mere three-point loss to the number one team in the country. Both games were on the road, which is hard for any quarterback, especially a true freshman. Both games were extremely winnable. The Tigers are still No. 11 and have a chance to finish in the Top Ten with two huge games remaining, both inside Jordan-Hare. If we Auburn fans know anything, it’s frustration, and the only way this season might be more frustrating would be to beat both Georgia and Alabama, which means that winning either the Florida or LSU contests likely would have resulted in a trip to the College Football Playoff. It’s almost destiny that Auburn will do just that. The Tigers certainly could do it, if nothing else, because of the Tigers’ defense.

If you still believe in Gus Malzahn, you might want to quit reading this article. Although some may think he can’t beat either Bama or Georgia, we know he can because he has.

However, the point of this post is the entirety of the Malzahn era in which 2019 is just another chapter of the book on Gus. 

Let’s begin with this weekend’s loss. We are aware that Auburn’s magnificent defense, perhaps the best we’ve ever seen, stifled an LSU offense that was  averaging 50 points per game and, yes, did it against holds, hands to the face, and refs that wouldn’t call either. If the refs throw just one flag, perhaps on the touchdown that gave LSU its first  lead of the game, Auburn wins despite its offensive struggles. But the flag wasn’t thrown, and despite two fourth-down stops, an interception on the goal line, and a muffed punt in the red zone, Auburn lost the game. A frustrated Marlon Davidson, one of Auburn’s defensive leaders, offered a “no comment” on whether or not Auburn’s offensive ineptitude was responsible for the loss. Auburn fans are  saying that Auburn’s best defense in a generation is being squandered by a bogged-down offense.

But, wait a second. Isn’t offense what Malzahn was brought to Auburn to deliver? Once again, however, Auburn’s play calling and execution against an elite team was beyond mystifying. Consider that Auburn’s best offensive play of the first half was a delay draw to D. J. Williams meant to run out the clock. Instead, Williams ripped a massive run that put Auburn in position to take the lead going into halftime. But, with seconds left, Bo Nix tossed up a terrible wounded-duck pass that was picked off. While one might applaud his willingness to “take a shot,” the fact is he was running for his life and simply threw the ball across his body in the general direction of a receiver.

Auburn’s best play of the second half was almost identical to the play that ended the half except, somehow, Seth Williams caught the ball. Yes, it was an outstanding catch. Yes, it led to an Auburn touchdown, but that’s not the point. That pass play, with mere minutes left in the game, finally put Bo Nix over 100 yards passing. But otherwise, Auburn’s offense had five false starts, two intentional groundings (neither anywhere close to being arguable), and a snap over and to the right of Nix by center Caleb Kim. Anthony Schwartz had only three touches, just one in the first half. This is another head-scratcher just weeks after Malzahn admitted to not using the speedster enough against Florida.

Bo Nix threw at least three passes out of the back of the end zone. D. J, Williams’s two big runs accounted for almost all of Auburn’s rushing yards. To cap things off, despite the trick plays, the screens, and other typical “Gusist” plays, Malzahn looked to Boobee Whitlow, two weeks out of knee surgery, to provide a spark from the Wildcat.This may be the worst and most irresponsible coaching move since riding an injured Sean White into battle for the duration of the 2015 Georgia game.

Sound familiar? Auburn fans around the country are wondering just how bad QB backup Joey Gatewood can be in order to warrant sticking around under a QB completing 42% of his passes while throwing more INT’s than TD’s in Auburn’s two losses. Certainly, Bo Nix is young, and that these are vital teaching moments for the true freshman that are important to his  future development. 

But, hold up. Let’s break that down for a moment. 

First of all, the age of true freshmen being tossed into the fire, taking their lumps, and developing over time is over. Just look at Auburn’s biggest rivals: Alabama and Georgia have both played for national championships with freshman quarterbacks. Clemson beat Alabama for a national title with a freshman QB.

The list of successful freshman QB’s is long and speaks to the ability of SEC and other premier programs to recruit and develop young talent. Furthermore, they do it so well that backups from those teams have gone on to be successful starters at other programs. Jalen Hurts may win a Heisman at Oklahoma. Justin Fields didn’t win the job in Athens, but he may be a Heisman finalist for Ohio State. Jacob Eason couldn’t take the job back from Jake Fromm at UGA but is now starting in Seattle for Washington and finding a lot of success.

That brings us to our final point: what is Gus Malzahn doing differently than the rest of these successful programs? Is he recruiting and developing on the same level as his counterparts? 

The answer is emphatically, no, at least on the development front. His innovative, fast-paced offense brought him to Auburn in 2009 as a coordinator and, then, as head coach in 2013. Since then, Auburn has had three ten-win seasons, all carried on the back of the offense led by transfer QB’s Cam Newton, Nick Marshall, and Jarrett Stidham. (Although the latter two seemed to regress in their second seasons.) Meanwhile, a Malzhan-recruited kid has never won more than eight games in a season.

One thing Auburn and Malzahn have done better than any one else is land freshmen recruits who don’t pan out. But while Barrett Trotter, Jeremy Johnson, and Sean White are easy to point at, the discussion should really be about all of the quarterbacks along who never saw the field in any real capacity under Malzahn: Kiehl Frazier in 2011, Zeke Pike in 2012, Tyler Queen and Jason Smith in 2015, Woody Barrett and John Franklin, III in 2016, and Malik Willis in 2017. While several of these quarterbacks were three stars, the vast majority of them were four- or five-star recruits. None made any impact at Auburn. 

In today’s football, transfers are common, especially among highly-recruited players who don’t win jobs early in their career. This is exacerbated at the QB position as can be seen by the list from Clemson, Alabama, and UGA. The difference is, not only can Auburn not field a top-notch QB or develop them over the course of a career, it can’t even keep them on campus. Perhaps the most scathing aspect of all this is that these recruits haven’t been able to start at other schools. Woody Barrett was a four-star recruit and the sixth best in the nation in high school when he came to Auburn and sat behind Jarrett Stidham. Queen and Pike wound up changing positions at other schools. Smith played WR at Auburn in a limited capacity. White gave up the game. Johnson has become a punchline. Franklin couldn’t crack the QB spot at FAU and ended up getting NFL work as a corner. Currently, Barrett doesn’t even start for Kent State. 

There can be no legitimate argument that Nix is on the same path as Jake Fromm or Tua Tagovialoa, and the lone point in his favor is that his offensive line hasn’t done its job in either pass or run blocking, even though Auburn is playing an all senior line. The future here is not bright, because it’s unlikely that Malzahn will develop Nix in the offseason, and it’s unlikely that he will have a competent line in front of him to start 2020. Meanwhile, Auburn’s 2019 running game has struggled mightily against good competition. Many believe Gatewood could give Auburn a chance to run to set up the pass to a good set of receivers. Yet, playing Gatewood during Nix’s struggles was never a thought in the coach’s mind, based on post-game interviews. 

After another dreadful performance by Auburn’s young QB, one has to wonder if Gus can develop a quarterback? Following a second disappointing loss, fans are left with three possibilities: Gus is showing favoritism to Nix, Gus is too bullheaded, or Gus believes that Gatewood has no chance of being any more successful than Nix. Regardless of which it is, all three are on Gus.

The post Does Loss at LSU Expose Gus’ Inability to Develop QB’s? appeared first on Track 'Em Tigers, Auburn's oldest and most read independent blog.

from Track 'Em Tigers, Auburn's oldest and most read independent blog http://trackemtigers.com/does-loss-at-lsu-expose-gus-inability-to-develop-qbs/

[buddyrabrahams]

15 key questions entering Week 3 of college football

Week 2 of the college football season provided us with many big games, especially late in the evening. Auburn and Clemson faced off; USC hosted Stanford; Georgia and Notre Dame clashed; and the big one was Oklahoma at Ohio State. Week 3 doesn’t have quite as many marquee matchups, but there is a lot to look forward to. There are also a lot of questions to be answered.

Here’s a look at 15 key questions entering Week 3 of college football.

1. Will Lamar Jackson carry Louisville to victory?

Lamar Jackson is doing the best he can to replicate his Heisman Trophy-winning season from a year ago. Through two games, Jackson has passed for 771 yards and five touchdowns, while rushing for 239 yards and three TDs. His efforts helped the Cardinals emerge victorious after two close calls in their first two games.

Clemson presents a whole other challenge. The Tigers held Kent State to three points in their first game and Auburn to six last weekend. Their defense looks good. But keep in mind that Jackson had his way with Clemson last season, rushing for 162 yards and two TDs. It took some magic from Deshaun Watson — five touchdown passes at that — for Clemson to get the win. Without such a spectacular QB opposing him, Jackson may be able to carry Louisville to victory this time.

2. Can Texas put up a respectable showing against USC?

The oddsmakers are leaning towards no, and have made the Longhorns 15.5 point underdog against USC. The Trojans had a close game against Western Michigan in their opener before exploding last weekend against Stanford. Everything was clicking for them, resulting in 42 points put up on the Cardinal.

Texas did rebound from a season-opening loss to Maryland with a 56-0 win over San Jose State, which was arguably a better than expected performance. Saturday’s game at USC will be even tougher for them to keep it close. Luckily sophomore QB Shane Buechele should be back, which will help the offense. But can their defense handle Sam Darnold and Ronald Jones? That won’t be easy an easy task. Things could get ugly at the Coliseum.

3. Will Ohio State get back on track?

Ohio State is coming off a home loss to Oklahoma that has them 1-1. The bad news is they’ve already been defeated this season. The good news is the loss happened early enough where if they keep winning, they can still likely make the playoffs by the end of the season. But do they have the makings of a playoff team? They have their first chance to prove that this weekend.

Army comes to Columbus, and if there’s a team the Buckeyes can rebound against, it’s the Black Knights. Army features a one-dimensional rushing attack, which should be easy for Ohio State and their superior athletes to gameplan. Quarterback J.T. Barrett was shaky last week against the Sooners and needs to inspire confidence in his coaches, otherwise they may consider a change. This can be a confidence-rebuilding game for him.

4. How much of an impact will Arden Key make for LSU?

Arden Key will be making his season debut for LSU this weekend, leaving many to wonder whether he’ll be at full strength. The all-conference pass rusher is recovering from off-season shoulder surgery and only recently was cleared for full-contact practice.

LSU’s defense has been stellar so far without him, allowing just 10 points last week to Chatanooga and shutting out BYU in their opener. Now they get to add a pass-rusher who had 11 sacks last season and 12.5 tackles for a loss. Their defense should become even more stout at just the right time as they face Mississippi State in their SEC opener.

5. What will Wyoming QB Josh Allen do against another Power 5 defense?

This will be Josh Allen’s second shot at a Power 5 defense this season. He’s hoping it goes much better than his first. The potential top 2018 draft pick struggled in his opener against Iowa. He threw for just 174 yards and two interceptions as Wyoming was held to three points. The junior looked much better in his second game, though that came against Gardner-Webb.

Oregon is a much bigger step up than Gardner-Webb, though the Ducks allowed 35 points to Nebraska last weekend, mostly after coasting in the second half. Plenty of scouts will be in attendance to see what Allen does against a quality team and whether he has the stuff to merit a top selection in the NFL.

6. Who will separate himself at QB for Florida?

Florida used two different quarterbacks in their opening loss to Michigan. Freshman Feleipe Franks was 5 of 9 for 75 yards, while graduate transfer Malik Zaire was 9 of 17 for 106 yards. Neither did much in that game. Franks will get the start at home against Tennessee, which won’t be an easy task. One positive for Franks is that his teammates are said to be respecting his work ethic and leadership, as the QB has become more vocal following the loss to Michigan. Offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier will move back up to the booth for the game, which Florida is hoping will help with the play-calling.

7. Will Josh Rosen build upon his Heisman-contending season?

Josh Rosen has himself in the thick of the Heisman Trophy race through two games this season. The UCLA junior QB is tied for the nation’s lead with nine touchdown passes. His 820 passing yards are fourth in the country. Rosen followed up a brilliant comeback performance against Texas A&M in the team’s opener with a nearly perfect showing against Hawaii at the Rose Bowl last weekend, going 22 of 25 (88 percent) on his passes.

Rosen leaves the comforts of Pasadena to travel to Memphis this weekend, where the Bruins will have to get up for an early start (it will be 9:00 am in LA when the game kicks off). The Tigers have an extra week of preparation for this contest after their game against UCF was rescheduled. Can Rosen stay hot for UCLA?

8. Can Baylor finally get its first win?

Baylor has been an utter disaster this season. The Bears are 0-2 after dropping games to Liberty and UT-San Antonio. It’s been a long time since Baylor’s dropped games to programs that bad. Things don’t get easier this weekend when they visit Duke, which is 2-0 and coming off a nice win over Northwestern. Transfer Anu Solomon is in concussion protocol, meaning Baylor will have a new QB this weekend — Zach Smith. Can he give them a boost? If not, the Bears will probably be looking at their worst season since 2009.

9. Is Wisconsin freshman RB Jonathan Taylor the real deal?

Jonathan Taylor has been the story for Wisconsin this season. The freshman running back didn’t see action until the second half of the Badgers’ season-opener, and that’s all it took for him to make an impact. He rushed for 41 yards on his first carry and helped the Badgers to multiple scoring drives. Then he really busted out against Florida Atlantic last week. Taylor rushed for 223 yards on 26 carries and scored three touchdowns. He does have a few things to work on as he fumbled once and was stuffed a few times at the goal against FAU. This weekend’s game against BYU will be another opportunity for him to continue making a name for himself.

10. Has Purdue arrived under new coach Jeff Brohm?

The early returns suggest Purdue may have finally found its replacement since Joe Tiller left the program in 2008. After four straight poor seasons under Darrell Hazell, the Boilermakers opened up the season by pushing Louisville to the limit before losing. They followed that up with a convincing 44-21 win over Ohio. Now they have a tough test visiting Missouri, which is coming off a loss to South Carolina. If Purdue can go into Columbia and pull out a win over the Tigers, there will be little doubt that the Boilermakers are back to respectability.

11. Is SMU ready for primetime?

The first two games of SMU’s season validated all the interest head coach Chad Morris received last year. Morris ultimately remained at SMU despite being mentioned in connection with multiple job openings, and he’s 2-0 so far. In fact, his Mustangs are averaging 56 points per game. The games came against weaker local programs like Stephen F. Austin and North Texas, but the big offensive performances should not be overlooked.

If SMU can pull off a road win over TCU this weekend, it would generate a ton of buzz for the program, and especially Morris. This has the potential to put them on the map the same way Houston’s win over Oklahoma did last year.

12. Can Boston College stop its losing streak to Notre Dame in the Holy War?

Since BC and Notre Dame began playing regularly beginning in 1992, the series between the two has been very close. The Irish have the edge 11-9 since ’92, and 14-9 in the series overall. From 2001-2008, Boston College won six in a row over Notre Dame, though the Irish have turned the tables since and are on a five-game winning streak.

BC is 1-1 and has only been a middling program since Steve Addazio took over in 2013. Both teams are coming off losses last week, though Notre Dame had a close one with Georgia, while BC was blown out by Wake Forest. The odds — and most people paying attention — say this won’t be the year BC stops its losing streak to Notre Dame.

13. What will Ole Miss QB Shea Patterson do against better talent?

Highly-touted recruit Shea Patterson has opened the season on fire. The Shreveport native has thrown for over 400 yards in each of his first two games and is second in the nation with 918 passing yards. His nine touchdowns also tie him with Josh Rosen for second in the country. There is one caveat to his season so far: his big games have come against South Alabama and UT Martin. This weekend will be different. Ole Miss travels west to face Cal in Berkeley. Cal is 2-0 with wins over North Carolina and Weber State, though both games were close calls. This will be a much bigger challenge than what Patterson has faced earlier in the season.

14. Can South Carolina keep it rolling?

South Carolina is looking good this season. They’ve beaten NC State and Mizzou to start 2-0, and they have a chance to earn their second conference win when they host Kentucky. Sophomore QB Jake Bentley has been solid, tossing four touchdowns. Wideout Deebo Samuel is building himself into a sleeper Heisman candidate with five touchdowns on the season. He’s returned kickoffs for scores in consecutive weeks. If the Gamecocks can beat Kentucky this weekend, they’d be 3-0 and establishing themselves as potential surprise contender in the SEC East.

15. Will San Diego State knock off another Pac-12 team?

San Diego State has a chance to beat a Pac-12 opponent for the second straight week when they host Stanford this weekend. The Aztecs defeated Arizona State on the road last weekend thanks largely to their rushing attack, which put up 279 yards. Senior Rashaad Penny is picking up where he left off following last year’s 1,000-yard campaign, as he rushed for 197 yards in the team’s opener and 216 yards against ASU. He’ll have a chance for another big game against Stanford, which was gashed for 623 yards by USC, including 307 rushing yards. San Diego State has an opportunity to pounce on the Cardinal while they’re down.

from Larry Brown Sports http://ift.tt/2yaNlAr

[junker-town]

The best early bets for Week 6 of CFB

The early betting lines often allow for the most value.

All wagers at -110 odds and for 1 unit unless otherwise noted. My picks are in bold, with that team’s spread attached. Visit Odds Shark for updated lines throughout each game week.

Season record: Coming (I publish the Sunday bets as fast as possible, and then come back and update the housekeeping items)

I often tell readers that the best bets can be found in the opening lines on Sunday afternoons. Lines tend to be sharper after they’ve been bet all week. Most of my plays are made early in the week. Note that some of the lines below have since changed.

Of course, if you’re trying to bet thousands of dollars on each game, the low limits (typically $250-500 max bets per game) early in the week can be a hindrance, but I’m figuring most of my readership is playing $100 per game or less.

Because I make these wagers throughout the week, I order them by when they were made.

Picks made Sunday, September 30

Georgia Tech -2 at Louisville (Friday game): Louisville has struggled to defend mobile QBs all season.

MTSU at Marshall -7 (Friday game): I made this number 12, so I am very surprised to see it in the single digits.

Utah State +3 at BYU (Friday game): Utah State can really score. I am not sure BYU’s offense can keep up.

Notre Dame -1.5 at Virginia Tech: I cannot believe this came out at under a field goal. I expect it to rise to over a touchdown. Notre Dame’s defense is elite and under Ian Book, the Irish can also score.

Florida State at Miami -11: I made the number 16.5, so this is an obvious wager for me. I do not believe FSU can block Miami.

Northern Illinois at Ball State +7: I know that Ball State is bad, but there is no reason for this NIU offense to be laying a touchdown on the road against anyone not named UTEP.

Old Dominion +15.5 at Florida Atlantic: For whatever reason, FAU just does not seem to put teams away like it did a year ago. ODU can score, and I’ll take these points.

LSU at Florida +3: I was surprised to see the Gators getting a field goal when I made this line a pick’em. Neither team has much on offense, so points should be precious.

Ohio at Kent State +14: Kent State’s run defense is a major concern in betting them, but KSU has been scoring a lot this season and should be able to keep up.

Fresno State -11.5 at Nevada: I made this line 17. Perhaps I am too high on Fresno State, but at under a touchdown, there is too much value to pass up in the Bulldogs.

Northwestern at Michigan State -8.5: The Spartans are off a bye, but I don’t reward them much extra for that because they have Penn State on deck. Still, while this series is usually tight, my numbers made this line far higher so I had to play it for value.

Kentucky +7 at Texas A&M: How much do I really trust the Wildcats? Not that much. But I power rate UK and the Aggies about even on a neutral field, so even awarding A&M with a substantial home-field advantage, this is still a value bet.

New Mexico +13.5 (-105) at UNLV: Both of these teams can run the football. Both are passing challenged. I’ll take any spread here in the double digits.

Iowa -3 at Minnesota: Iowa is off a bye and should be able to shut down Minnesota’s offense.

Auburn at Mississippi State +4: Both of these teams have struggled to score points. Given that I see Auburn as about a field goal better on a neutral site, I’ll gladly take four points in Starkville.

Oklahoma vs. Texas +9 (neutral site): Oklahoma’s defense has not been much better than last year for my money. And the Sooners’ have not faced pressure like what the Longhorns can bring.

Kansas State at Baylor -3: Kansas State’s offense is terrible. Baylor can at least score a bit. This is a surprising line, and perhaps I am betting into a trap.