#and now I've triggered myself because reading about something happening makes me think it's going to happen to me (totally logical I know)

[heartshattering]

One song and two Wikipedia articles later and now I'm getting catastrophic thoughts again 🙃

[offtorivendell]

Is an oily residue corrupting Azriel's hypothetical mating bond and making him feel off kilter? Is it related to Valg-type magic?

Disclaimer: this theory is a continuation of a few of my others that I've been too lazy to post until now - first I was going to post it for Elriel Month 2023, then Azriel Week 2023... it never happened - but like everyone else I'm having massive FOMO before HOFAS, so here we finally go, even though I know I've forgotten something lol. As usual, this makes no claims of being accurate, it's just theorising for fun.

A massive thank you goes out to @wingedblooms, @tswaney17, @silverlinedeyes, @psychologynerd, @ladynightcourt3, @cassianfanclub, and anyone else I've forgotten (sorry!) for all of our discussions that finally became this post. Love you guys. 💜

Spoilers: this is a Maasverse post, and draws from the ACOTAR series, CC 1 & 2/HOEAB & HOSAB, and the TOG series. It is CC 3/HOFAS spoiler free, as I'm waiting to read it in its "original English" 🤓 on the 30th of January. Please be respectful of that if engaging in the comments before it's published!

Plenty of people, including @silverlinedeyes, @icedflames and myself, have posted our thoughts on mating bonds in the Maasverse, and this theory builds on those previously established - though again, as yet hypothetical - ideas. Specifically, this post about the use of “oily” throughout the ACOTAR series is recommended reading.

What we do know is that:

Mating bonds contain threads, and so do spells.

Mates are the song/music of the soul, and their laughter is likened to music.

Different fae, and magics, contain different scents, be that personal or regional

First, let's go back to ACOWAR, when Feyre described the Ravens' entrance into the library as being like an off-kilter chord:

I felt it at the same moment she did. The ripple and tremor. Like … like some piece of the world shifted, like some off-kilter chord had been plucked. We turned toward the illuminated path that we’d just taken through the stacks, then to the dark far, far beyond. - ACOWAR, chapter 30

Initially, I had wondered if the King of Hybern had had Jurian use the Harp to infiltrate Velaris, but it was @merymoonbeam (I think) who theorised that the Cauldron might be mimicking the Harp, and maybe not doing the best job of it. Which made me wonder, could it do the same with mate bonds?

He left the rest unspoken. Because her mate was here, sleeping a level up. Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn't stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option of leaving if it became too much. - ACOSF, Azriel's bonus chapter

Looking at her now … She was pale, yes. The vacancy still glazing her features. But he couldn’t breathe as she faced him fully. She was the most beautiful female he’d ever seen. Betrayal, queasy and oily, slid through his veins. He’d said the same to Jesminda once. But even as shame washed through him, the words, the sense chanted, Mine. You are mine, and I am yours. Mate. - ACOWAR, chapter 24

What if the Elucien bond, as either a spell or piss poor Cauldron-Made approximation of a bond, causes Azriel - and maybe Elain, possibly Lucien - nausea when Lucien is around because it's constantly changing, or reverberating over the top of, what remains of a hypothetical Elriel bond?

What if it's making the Elriel bond off-kilter, out of whack, imbalanced?

Does this make Azriel feel sick, nauseous, or simply overwhelmed/overstimulated?

When people are feeling off-balance, for whatever reason, they can feel sick or nauseous. It's one of the symptoms of vertigo, which can be triggered by severe headaches such as migraines. And guess who rubs their temples? Azriel!

Alternatively, certain chords played loudly enough on a string instrument can really mess with your chest - and where do mating bonds attach - if you're standing close enough for them to vibrate through you (at least, they do for me haha). It can be weirdly disconcerting, and I'd imagine that if Azriel or Elain feels something like this, no wonder he describes such severe discomfort that he needs to leave, and she shrinks away from Lucien, the unintentional cause of her pain.

Same with the smell; if the magic of the Cauldron, in whatever way, is messing with the smell that should be there? Contaminating it? Unbearable.

Is this too crack for you? Well, let's get even crazier.

I have previously suggested that the Cauldron's actions throughout the series could be tracked, in part, by SJM describing a feeling or quality as “oily,” and I've also wondered if the dark maker of the Cauldron - Koschei? - could have hijacked it in some way, as the Book of Breathings being made from leftover iron gave me “One Ring” vibes. I still stand by that, but with a clarification (and here is where the TOG and CC spoilers come in, FYI). I think it's only half of the magic belonging to the Cauldron that is "oily":

Throughout TOG, the Valg are heavily associated with “oiliness,” in terms of their blood and magic. The smell “reeks” and always results in the involved characters experiencing extreme revulsion, including headaches. Sound familiar?

Wyrdstone has an oily, hideous aftertaste.

Even in CC 1/HOEAB, Danika was described as oily when she came into Griffin Antiques.

Celaena looked at the sealed door, her stomach turning. A half-dried pool of blood lay at the base of the door, so dark it looked like oil. She crouched, swiping a finger through the puddle. She sniffed at it, almost gagged at the reek, and then rubbed her finger against the pad of her thumb. It felt as oily as it looked. - COM, chapter 45

“What the hell is that?” Rowan demanded, kneeling beside her, sniffing her outstretched hand. He jerked back, snarling. “That’s not dirt.” No, it wasn’t. It was blacker than night, and reeked just as badly as it had the first time she’d smelled it, in the catacombs beneath the library, an obsidian, oily pool of blood. Slightly different from that other, horrific smell that loitered around this place, but similar. So similar to— “This isn’t possible,” she said, jolting to her feet. “This—this—this—” She paced, if only to keep from shaking. “I’m wrong. I have to be wrong.” There had been so many cells in that forgotten dungeon beneath the library, beneath the king’s Wyrdstone clock tower. The creature she’d encountered there had possessed a human heart. It had been left, she’d suspected, because of some defect. What if … what if the perfected ones had been moved elsewhere? What if they were now … ready? - HOF, chapter 45

The overseer roared, thrashing as her magic swept into him, melded with him. But there was nothing inside to grab on to. No darkness to burn out, no remaining ember to breathe life into. Only— Aelin reeled back, magic vanishing and knees buckling as if struck. Her head gave a throb, and nausea roiled in her gut. She knew that feeling—that taste. Iron. As if the man’s core was made of it. And that oily, hideous aftertaste … Wyrdstone. The demon inside the overseer let out a choked laugh. “What are collars and rings compared to a solid heart? A heart of iron and Wyrdstone, to replace the coward’s heart beating within.” - EOS, chapter 15

* Side note, it's giving Tamlin and his stone heart.

Danika didn’t just look like she’d been rootling through the garbage. She smelled like it, too. Wisps of her silvery blond hair—normally a straight, silken sheet—curled from her tight, long braid, the streaks of amethyst, sapphire, and rose splattered with some dark, oily substance that reeked of metal and ammonia. - CC HOEAB, chapter 1

The Hind held Ruhn’s gaze as the game began. She was the spitting image of Luna, with her upswept chignon, the regal angle of her neck and jaw. As coldly serene as the moon. All she needed was a pack of hunting hounds at her side— And she had them, in her dreadwolves. How had someone so young risen in the ranks so swiftly, gained such notoriety and power? No wonder she left a trail of blood behind her. “Careful now,” the Harpy said with that oily smile. “The Hammer doesn’t share.” The Hind’s lips curved upward. “No, he doesn’t.” - CC HOSAB, chapter 33

I think the dark maker of the Cauldron could have been Valg, whether that's Koschei or someone else I don't know though Koschei currently makes the most sense. I also don't know when the dark maker would have had the chance to influence the Cauldron; was it always made from dark and light, or - as @fawnandshadows theorised a while back - did Koschei bastardise it after the fact? Where the Valg would fit in with the Daglan and the Asteri is also a mystery, though my current train of thought is that they could be family names or allegiances, like different clans of the same parasitical species, thanks to the description of Danika in HOEAB.

But, back to Azriel and his severe reaction to the Elucien bond.

I know I'm not the only one who wonders at the very Valg-ish themes with which Rhys and Azriel's powers have been described - maybe one day I'll post my thoughts about the possible link between lightsingers, shadowsingers, daemati and the Valg (but it is not this day lol) - and how that may have come about. For example, are the Valg interwoven, genetically, with the Avallen people, or is it because the Princes of Hel are also involved, and have similar magics? Are the Princes of Hel a similar species as the Valg, Asteri and Daglan, or completely different? Ugh, let's stop this spiral here.

Oily: the obvious train of thought being that oily things are slippery, which can lead to an imbalance… ie. becoming off-kilter.

Sounds like Azriel could be suffering from some sort of vertigo, of which symptoms can include nausea; severe headaches, such as migraines, may trigger an episode… and who rubs his temples enough that Elain noticed it?

Maybe Azriel can sense the corruption in the bond, either the current Elucien bond, or the hypothetical original bond between Elain and himself; if like calls to like, and his shadows are Valg-ish, maybe it is because his OG bond was fucked with. So, what if:

Azriel's shadows can slip away from spells and binding magic (Slippery > oily > Valg).

The guards at the prison know what he is.

Valg magic making Azriel nauseous and Elain sourcing/making a healer's powder for him? It's giving Chaol and Yrene. Especially since Elain (and Mor) make his shadows brighten.

So, we have in-text mentions of Azriel feeling overwhelmed due to the proximity of the Elucien bond, as well as Elain shrinking from Lucien - an action that parallels Azriel hanging out in the doorway, and even Lucien retreating to the human lands, if he feels any bond-related discomfort around Elain. But what about his initial response to seeing Elain, and thinking she was the most beautiful female he'd ever seen? The quote that sent me down the “oily” rabbit hole to begin with?

Looking at her now … She was pale, yes. The vacancy still glazing her features. But he couldn’t breathe as she faced him fully. She was the most beautiful female he’d ever seen. Betrayal, queasy and oily, slid through his veins. He’d said the same to Jesminda once. But even as shame washed through him, the words, the sense chanted, Mine. You are mine, and I am yours. Mate. - ACOWAR, chapter 24

Well, Aelin felt oily disgust at the thought of marrying someone who wasn't Rowan:

“There are no allies,” Darrow said. “Unless Her Highness decides to be useful and gain us men and arms through marriage”—a sharp glance at Rowan—“we are alone.” Aelin debated revealing what she knew, the money she’d schemed and killed to attain, but— Something cold and oily clanged through her. Marriage to a foreign king or prince or emperor. Would this be the cost? Not just in blood shed, but in dreams yielded? To be a princess eternal, but never a queen? To fight with not just magic, but the other power in her blood: royalty. She could not look at Rowan, could not face those pine-green eyes without being sick. - EOS, chapter 5

This example from Aelin could describe Azriel and Elain’s potential future if Elain accepted a theoretically Cauldron spelled bond to Lucien, but also for Lucien and Jesminda, if they were originally true or fated mates before she was murdered.

Some final thoughts:

We know from TOG that healing light is known as the Valg executioner. In a parallel to Yrene killing Erawan with her healing light in KOA, Elain killed the King of Hybern - who I suspect was possessed or assisted by a Valg, as Feyre described his magic as a “galaxy” in his palms - with Truth-Teller, which had recently devoured the (her?) sunlight; does this mean that Elain could heal or purify Valg possessed things, with or without the magical, Made dagger? Could this be extrapolated to Azriel's magic, the Dread Trove, or even the Cauldron (possibly with Feyre and Nesta for the bigger ticket items)?

If the Asteri are the same species as the Valg, and the Valg somehow had a hand in making or twisting the Cauldron, it could follow that they used the Cauldron to create offspring bonds for a more powerful food source. If this pans out then Elain, bright light, could hypothetically heal the Cauldron. Maybe that is why Azriel describes her with purity language? Not because SJM wants to display Azriel's apparently toxic thoughts about her (🙄), but because she, along with her sisters, will be his/their salvation? Rhys once said as much to Feyre!

@mrspettyferr has suggested that Azriel's shadows ability to hide him from binding magic - see: the High Lord's meeting in ACOWAR - could have prevented his true bond from snapping with Elain when she came out of the Cauldron. This could be supported by any Valg/shadow link.

Thank you for reading! Please don't mention any CC HOFAS spoilers in the comments or reblogs until after it has been officially published. 💜

[caffeinatedopossum]

I need some advice- if you've been on my blog the past week, you've probably seen some stuff about me and my girlfriends. I'm gonna kind of word vomit about it because it's still not properly sorted out into a cohesive narrative in my head so please bare with me

After typing some of it out, I decided to make it into 2 parts. Idk I understand if none of you want to take the time to read something this long though.

Also tw, mentions of SA

On February 14th, one of my girlfriends and I were hanging out over call- I had two because my first girlfriend and I were trying polyamory. I'm gonna call the first girlfriend mimi- and I've been dating her for over 2 years now. The other I'm gonna call fish- mimi and I had been dating her for only a few months but I'd known her quite a while and we were very good friends.

Fish lived with their parents still, in what seemed like a very abusive and unhealthy environment, so mimi and I were arranging for them to come live with us. They had come to visit us in late November-early December and a few days into their visit was when we started officially dating them.

Skip forward to February 14th and fish suddenly starts telling me horrible things about mimi- that she's been using me, manipulating me. That she was doing the same things to fish and that she SA'd them while they were here. I started having a horrible panic attack- like heart pounding so hard you could easily see it through my shirt like a cartoon character. I thought I was going to die. Fish guided me through what I should do, though at this point I couldn't talk because I was too shaken, so they were talking and I was typing.

I ended up leaving my house, in the middle of the night, in the cold, by myself, with a few essential belongings. I went to a nearby gas station and hid in the bathroom, hoping to get one of my roommates to meet me there and idk, get me a hotel or something, at least for the night. I could tell I wasn't thinking clearly and I needed some space away from both fish and mimi for a bit- but that didn't end up happening.

Mimi came to find me at the gas station and I was terrified- I thought she would hurt me. Fish didn't lead me to believe mimi would hurt me (at least not directly) but you have to understand the situation triggered my ptsd, in which I was in this situation in the past and the other person very much would have hurt me. Me and mimi eventually went on a very long and talked about things.

She told me that her and fish had slept together while they were here and apologized and said she felt ashamed of it- I'm a sex repulsed asexual and had asked sex stay out of our relationship. That may seem like a weird boundary to have but they both agreed to this boundary of mine with no problem- and then broke it. Mimi also told me they slept together the first night fish was over at our house, before we had even started dating. We'd talked about it lots but we still hadn't made any decisive moves or invitations at that point.

[yelenasdiary]

Read this or don't, that's completely fine. I was going to explain everything in a reply to an ask that I was sent but an anon that has nothing to do with this, they are lovely! I just think a post on its own is more appropriate.

Below the cut I warn you that topics like, Sexual Assault, Physical & Mental abuse are spoken about. Please do not bother to read this if you're not comfortable. I literally do not expect anybody to read this, I am simply posting this because of how I am feeling towards the asks I received before I went to bed last night.

I just want to say that I've been open about certain things in my life on here and that is simply because I want my blog to welcome everybody (within reason). I want those who unfortunately have been through similar stuff to feel seen, heard and know you are loved! I want those who feel alone to know that you're never alone, I am here for you, my blog is here for you.

This isn't the first time I have received asks about my sexual experiences. A month or two ago I received a spam of asks that I never answered because of how disturbing and outright disgusting they were. Now, after last night, I feel that I need post this. I am not asking for anything in return, I just want to make that clear. All I want is for people to understand the hurt I am currently feeling.

I've always been open on here about the fact that I am a virgin. It's nothing that I feel ashamed about, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I know there are plenty of people like myself who are also virgins. I wish there were more people who are open about being a virgin, if people can be so open about the fact they aren't a virgin, why can't we be open about the fact we are?

So when this anon asked if I was a virgin, I was honest and said yes. My mind was already racing with "oh god, what's next?" and I was just hoping whoever they are was jus being curious. But instead, I feel like they've made me ashamed of the fact I am a virgin, 25 and write smut.

TW; SA, Physical & Mental Abuse Mentioned -

A few of you would already know that unfortunately yes, I am a victim of sexual assault. I was a child and it was something that happened daily for a couple of years. Due to this, I have trauma, PTSD, depression and anxiety. I grew up with little knowledge on the basics of sex because of how triggering it was for me. I couldn't sit in on sexual education classes, I couldn't joke around about penis's with my friends let along look at one. For so long, I genuinely believed what happened to me was normal. I was 12 when I realised it wasn't.

It took me years to even be okay with the topic of sex, to see it in movies or even think of it. My sexuality wasn't something I always questioned, I had a big crush on Bieber during my teen years and there were a few other male celebrities that I found rather attractive, it wasn't until I was 17 that I saw women in a different way and tbh, the feeling I got from thinking about myself in a relationship with a woman was a lot more comforting then it was to thinking of myself with a male.

Did my abuse make me bisexual? Maybe. I don't know. I don't really care. I like women a lot more than I like men, I feel more comfortable talking to women than I do men.

Did my abuse stop me from having 'normal' teenage experiences? Yes. I have never physically been with anybody, I have never kissed anybody nor have I ever been on a date. Is that sad? maybe to some, to me? No.

I have little to no trust in males. Given that my abuser also physically abused me for such little things and mentally, I don't know what it feels like to not have the thoughts I do about myself. This person has ruined so much of my life and has had control over what I do because of the trauma they caused me.

But all that aside for a moment, I am still a human. I am a woman who still feels things. I am learning every day of new things. I have done plenty of research for the things I felt I missed out on in school. I have a best friend who is so fucking patient and understanding with me that he will explain things to me if needed.

Writing & reading smut over the last year has been really good for me. I don't mean that in a weird way, I mean that in a way it has helped me explore things I didn't know were a thing, it has helped me grow more comfortable with sex and that sex is a normal thing. Don't worry, I know what is written in smut is purely fiction, I know what happens in porn isn't real. I am not stupid.

But I can't sit here and say that smut has been really helpful. Some of you might not understand that and that's okay. But I have come a long way with being comfortable and finally feeling like I can be open about things I enjoy.

Back to this anon.

Yes, I am 25 and never had sex. I have never voluntarily sucked a guy off. i have never voluntarily slept with a male, touched a male or seen a males body. Why any of that is important to you makes no sense to me. You have brought back things that I wish to not think about. You have made me feel triggered and as though I shouldn't be writing such topics because of my lack of experience. You had no consideration whats so ever and I believe found it rather funny.

I am feeling so many feelings and having thoughts that I wish to express but I know you'll most likely see it has a sob story and make matters worse. What I do hope though is that if you have read this that you understand that your words and actions hurt. I am not weak for telling you this, I am not weak for not having any sexual experience, I am not weak for asking you to understand that your thoughtless actions were not called for.

I do not need to have sex to know what I am doing. I do not need to have sex with a cis male to know how to write about dicks. I do not need you to make me feel ashamed of this either.

This is already such a long post and I don't even expect anybody to still be reading this but if you are, please, please remember to always be kind! spread love, support and happiness. You honest have no idea what your words and actions can do to somebody. Be aware and be considerate, you would never want your closest friends to feel that way I am currently feeling.

I am sending love to everybody, if you ever need a friend to talk too my DMS//asks are always open. I will listen and be whoever it is you need 💜

[theintrovertbean]

My statement about the drama

Hello!

This post will be about the whole Rai drama that they orchestrated against @asrabounding. But first, I would kindly ask anyone who hasn't read the post by @iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia, aka brainrot, to do so. It can be quite triggering, so please, be mindful of that and make sure to put yourself first. The same warning applies to my own post.

First, I want to apologize. I did bad stuff, and I've been doing my best to mend my mistakes. I'm very sorry about the things I've done, but especially about the things I could have prevented. My friends got hurt because of something I was a part of and could have avoided if I wasn't scared to stand up for others and myself.

This is going to be a long post. Sorry about that too, but this whole drama was simply a lot.

Brainrot's part perfectly sums up what happened, but since I was there from the beginning of the drama, it would be fair to add some things from my own POV. It isn't nearly as professional as brainrot's statement, and it's more about my personal experience, which I think shows how this drama affected the well-being of the people involved. Again, this is my experience, but we all share the feelings.

The first time I posted from this account on Tumblr was in July 2022, and Rai reached out to me on November 1. Apparently, I was too intimidating, but as it turns out, Rai just needed me (and other people) for their plans. They specifically wanted to involve mainly Nadia fans, so it was only a matter of time before they messaged me.

Why Nadia fans, you might ask? Well, we could sit here all night and take guesses because no one knows for certain. Rai only pretended to like Nadia (because wanting to kill her is enough proof that they didn't like her), so their reason must have been something psychological. But again, we can't know for certain. Sadly, their actions put us Nadia fans in a bad light, and their friendship was never genuine.

I have a guess that Rai had been stalking a few bigger creators for a while and just waiting for one of them to make a mistake. Asrabounding (AB from now on) happened to be the unlucky one.

Honestly, I didn't know AB at all. We never interacted, and the first time I ever heard about him was through Rai. At the beginning of December 2022, Rai told our server about AB and how he and his girlfriend were harassing their "boi," Panda, who was completely incapable of taking care of himself, at least according to Rai.

I spoke to Panda a few times during the drama; he is nothing like Rai described, which You can tell by the screenshots as well. He is overly friendly and tends to overshare, and I would say he is pure evil, but that adjective would be far too generous in his case. I also have to add that there is no evidence of Rai and Panda being two different people. I've looked through my DMs, and a few servers that Rai is/was in and found zero traces of them ever having a conversation. I also asked around, and no one has ever seen these two interact with each other. Once, we even asked Rai to invite Panda to their server because we all wanted to get to know him, but they immediately refused, saying he is too soft and all kinds of weird things to say about one's partner. I suppose it would be hard to text from two accounts simultaneously.

The private server that Rai created was made in November, around the time when the drama began. It's crucial to mention that none of us knew AB. This allowed Rai to portray AB however they wanted.

There are screenshots in the pdf from the DMs between Rai and me. They told me quite a few things but purposefully left out important details. The screenshots Rai sent me were always sent in a way that would make AB seem like the worst person to ever exist. I (and the server) also received altered versions of AB's art, which were edited in a way to make it seem like AB was making Asra whiter or orange. Additionally, Rai maliciously gathered personal information about AB and his loved ones, which is both legally and morally wrong.

The call-out blog happened and didn't gain much attention, which was quite disappointing to Rai, but failure didn't stop them. They recruited more people for the sole purpose of hurting AB. We retreated to Rai's server until the previous drama, where Rai popped up every once in a while to stir up our anger and disturb our conversations.

Then we arrive at the latest drama. Rai's efforts paid off. One of our friends did a call-out post, and things went crazy. I don't have to describe what happened because it's in brainrot's statement, but there is one thing that I really want to highlight. Rai did nothing. Everything we did was because of them and their "boi," and they just watched us all get burned.

At some point, brainrot presented us with an opportunity to make peace with AB. Two of us even volunteered to talk to him, myself included. Rai didn't even react while everyone else was looking forward to ending the drama. Actually, Rai was unusually quiet. They gave us an excuse for being less active and just left us to deal with their mess.

When brainrot left, I almost immediately reached out to him for two reasons. 1. He is my friend. I was concerned about his well-being and wanted to make sure he was alright. 2. I was physically and mentally sick of the drama and considered leaving the server myself. There were days when I could barely function because of the anxiety I felt. I was a mess. Everyone was, but never Rai. I felt like I was in the middle of a battlefield, watching my friends get slaughtered while the person behind it all, Rai, was having the time of their life far away in a luxury tent. I desperately wanted to end that.

On multiple occasions, I muted the server for hours and sometimes even days because I could not deal with Rai. There was a clear hierarchy, and Rai would constantly try to compete with us and bring us down. Everyone else was behaving like normal human beings, and then Rai would randomly show up to pollute the air with their "hee hoos" and disturbing stories they claimed were true.

The same person who said they were gathering courage for months to text me never showed any care, remorse, or fear during our nine months of "friendship." Also, the very same person would go around texting random people on Tumblr, checking how intelligent and "mentally stimulating" (they said that, not me) they are, and trying to figure out if they hate Dorian and/or Asrabounding. They were also looking for people in a more vulnerable position, such as those who were new to the fandom and/or lonely. When everything on the list was ticked off, Rai invited them to their server. For privacy reasons, I'm not going to say an exact number, but about ten of us were "recruited."

Brainrot and I talked a bit, we both vented, and we eventually reached the point where I said that I would talk to AB just to end this madness. And so I did with brainrot's help, even though it horrified me, but I knew I had to do it for others. I expected AB to be just as Rai presented him to us, but he wasn't. The AB I was talking to was kind, understanding, cooperative, and tired of everything that had been going on. It often made me wish I met AB sooner than Rai. Our conversations with AB were and still are civil and friendly, and I am nothing but thankful to him. We compared our notes, then brainrot and I went back to DMs for a while to discuss everything.

We realized that 1. Everything Rai said about AB was a lie, and Rai just wanted to hurt him. 2. Rai lied to us and used several manipulation tactics on us. 3. Our friends were unsafe.

To include a lie, once, Rai texted me to ask if I wanted to know their legal name. They told me that they were named after a character from an anime. Later, I found from a friend that Rai told her their name too. It was from the same anime but a different character's name. This was just one example.

So we made a plan, and we had to act fast. I quickly gathered a few screenshots from the server that we could use, then we texted everyone involved about the news. Thank gayness, everything instantly clicked for the vast majority of our friends. It was tough, exhausting, and very emotional. Being betrayed by someone we considered a friend was no joke. Honestly, have never felt so much anxiety in my life. It was suffocating.

Then, three of us deleted every channel in Rai's server (every member had maximum permissions). In the meantime, we made a server of our own, a safe place where we could heal together, continue our friendship, and discuss what we were going to do next.

And that's how we got to brainrot's post. I created a document and put in whatever screenshots I had from Rai's server and my DMs. Then I asked everyone to send me all the screenshots they wanted us to include, and I put those in too. That pdf is the fruit of multiple days of work and immeasurable disgust. Even putting it together almost made me throw up more than once. It was available to everyone involved (our friends and AB as well) from start to finish. They were all free to make edits, give suggestions, and add screenshots if they wanted. AB added the anons he received and a bunch of other screenshots. Brainrot wrote his statement, and I did the group's, which is one of the reasons I didn't want to make another one. In the meantime, we found out more about Rai, and it was not pretty; the screenshots prove it all.

This wasn't the first time Rai tried to take someone down, and they bragged about it multiple times. They were also quite proud of how they were able to manipulate people. I mean, just look at what they said about how they got together with their "boi." We know of two people in the fandom who were hurt by Rai. From what I know, unlike AB, they weren't content creators. My assumption is that doing the same thing over again wasn't giving Rai the same thrill anymore, so they wanted to target someone bigger. Bigger drama = more pleasure for Rai.

There was one person who got kicked from the server because they didn't hate Lucio. Rai provoked them to make them act out of character, which resulted in a kick and ban. There were others that Rai wanted to kick out but didn't because they were still needed for the drama.

The things Rai sometimes said about characters and the people who like them were sickening. They constantly described Lucio as a mass murderer and a r*pist and harassed anyone who didn't agree with their opinions. Rai also headcanoned that Lucio SAd Nadia during their marriage. And a lot of other things...

We had to tiptoe around Rai all the time because being kicked out of the server wouldn't have been a big deal, but being separated from our friends against our will was not something any of us wanted. That small but loving community we created for ourselves (Rai excluded) was why we stayed on that server in the first place.

But also, we were scared. Whenever Rai was present, they turned us into an angry mob. I don't know when we started to feel this way, but we were uncomfortable and wanted out. However, when we looked at each other, the angry mob was all we could see. Even when an individual was in doubt, the others still put on their angry mask, and that one person felt alone. I often felt like that too, but we all knew what Rai was capable of. We were already hurting, and we didn't want to unleash the angry mob against us. If Rai were to come after any of us, they would most definitely twist everything in a way to make themselves seem like the victim(s).

Soon after the server was gone and I was no longer talking to Rai, I realized that the hate I once felt wasn't my own.

Once again, I'm sorry about what happened. We all are. I apologize for the hurt I caused to everyone and take full responsibility for my actions. I never intended for things to escalate things this far, and I regret everything I've done. The things we did were not done with a clear mind. If it wasn't for Rai and their mind games, none of us would have done anything like this.

And Azi, I'm especially sorry to you. Despite everything we've done, you treated us with kindness and worked together with us to make the fandom a safer place. You have no idea how much this means. I'm thankful for the chance of getting to know the real you.

I also apologize to my followers for bringing drama onto my blog. While I'm open to questions about what happened, I would like to get back to writing my silly little headcanons like I did before. I'm an open book, but simping for Nadia is why I made this blog in the first place. The good thing is that now I'm able to do the things I've always wanted without Rai constantly reminding me why this and that is so bad. And who knows, maybe you'll see me bring some Nadia content to a different platform as well...

Our friend group, I apologize to you as well because I didn't protect you when I could have. Things would have been different if I wasn't so scared.

Azi, Brainrot, and friends. Thank you for everything. Your support and cooperation helped all of us through these hard times, and I hope we can continue to heal together.

I don't expect forgiveness from anyone because what happened is truly horrible. While countless lies and manipulation were involved, a simple apology won't undo the harm we caused. We have been doing our best to make up for our mistakes and will continue to do so in the future as well. However, please, please be careful. Rai is still a threat, so if you see them anywhere, just run. Protect yourselves and, if you can, others as well. Please, stay safe and learn from our horrible mistakes.

-Eszter

[soullikethesea]

I think I'm in some kind of reenactment with T.

The thing that keeps occurring is that I get disappointed by something she neglects to do & then I feel super upset and want to lash out and can barely contain it (and IF I express it, it comes out as "never mind my question"). I sort of angrily retreat, because the insecurity of waiting totally trips me up.

The things in the last few sessions: she neglected to tell me that she'll have to cancel some of our appointments (and I planned around them to have my trip), so now we will have to have a sudden long break. Found out about this at the very end of the session, got very upset when I got home. Thankfully there was another session before the long break, arguably that makes it better. She also said she wasn't sure about one date and that maybe we could see each other next week.

I found it super hard to contain how sad and out of control I felt about this (it just triggered old stuff about my dad). So I tried arranging that other session, it was not possible. Nor was that date she wasn't sure about earlier. I felt more confused and hurt about the false hope. Emailed about how triggered I was, T replied with an email she meant to send weeks ago. The email from weeks ago actually met some needs, because it gave us things to work on.

Which involved writing confrontational letters for my parents. I did that. Got very triggered, had a period of very little sleep. Slowly got more functional again. I think the letters are a good starting point to work more on this topic. So I was hoping we could discuss them in that one session before the break.

But then it turned out that T had missed that email and hadn't read them. Since it was basically the most important topic for me, she asked if she could read during the session. So she read one of them while I was... idk, sitting there. And then she got all misty-eyed. We couldn't really get into what it meant to me, because I was super numb and disconnected and she was basically crying about how bad it all had been. Since we were quite disconnected from each other, I'm not sure if it was helpful. It just felt like "yeah, OK, now you realize how bad it was, but it doesn't change anything. I already went through it. It already happened and that is when I was alone. I've already dealt with it, alone. I've already tried telling you about this for years and I'm honestly surprised my words apparently didn't make an impact until now."

But I could tell that T was really trying and that also made me feel more mild. She did say some helpful things about the extent of the neglect and what effects it has on me. Time ran out and there was still the letter for my mother left. She asked if there was something she could do for me and said that I can email her and ask for replies. She also said she will still read the other letter and send me a reply. I thanked her and said that would be great, because right now we're still in that topic and in a month both of us will probably not remember. Given her work schedule, I expected her to take care of it that day or maybe the next.

Still no reply, and I'm getting quite triggered again. Why did she say she was going to do it? She didn't have to say that, you know. It would've given me more peace of mind not to be "waiting" like this. The thing is, I feel very ashamed of that letter. So now I wish I'd never sent it and never asked her to read it, nor agreed that she would.

Another reenactment of the same sort of situation. At least I'm realizing that now. So I think the best I can do is to let it go. I'm not sure how to do that, but I will try my best. She's only human, she's probably getting sucked into the reenactment same as me. I'm going to let it go and I'm going to count on myself. Just like I know how to do. I was trained for this, Lucas says. And a break is not the end of the world. I will let things flow as they go, and not try to force having support. It's not there in the way I wish it could be, and it's not there in words matching actions, but there is support out there in the world. I'm in a relatively good position now in my daily life and perhaps that fact in itself can already serve as support.

[moondirti]

I absolutely love how you mention to anon that it’s not mandatory for them to read the story (ghoap x nanny). This is in no way meant to be hate towards that anon, as their preferences for fluff over angst is valid, but this does introduce a great discussion on how writers write for themselves first and foremost. As much as certain readers beg for angst or for fluff (which is fine so long as it is done in a respectful manner that also shows gratitude towards the writer) the writer is jot required to follow the wants of the reader instead of their own wants for their own story. If the story doesn’t go in a direction we want, we can (a) venture outside our comfort zones and read it anyways, (b) not read it, and (c) make up our version in our head.

Once again, it’s not mandatory to read. So even if the story isn’t going in a direction you like, respect the writer’s choice to take it there.

Lastly, literally no hate to that anon, I just liked your response to them :)

All of this!

I don't think that anon meant anything with their ask, so I'm definitely not referring to them when I say what I'm about to say. I also can't speak for everyone, only for myself really, but it must be said since I've noticed so many people facing critique that's totally uncalled for.

What a lot of people seem to forget in fandom is that creators are writing (or making art) to sate themselves. To tell a story that they want to tell. Some only choose to publish it in the hopes that they find like-minded individuals to bond over it with, or to broadcast themselves and their interests to a greater community. It's why your pleas for a 'part two' or 'can you do this but with ____' go unanswered. If they're not interested, why would they dedicate their time to it?

Now, I believe that I owe a few things to my readers. One being properly tagged fiction, especially if it contains triggering content. Second being inclusivity when I claim inclusivity, meaning making a general reader insert void of any defining physical characteristics, so that everyone reading it can project their image onto my writing.

What I don't owe my readers is a specific plot point, direction, or ending. In the nicest way possible, you guys choose to read my work because you like what I have to say (I hope)! Why take that away from yourselves by demanding I do something I do not want to do? I try my best to make your readership worth your while – really, I spend so long hyper-fixating on how to put out the best work possible. If I feel coerced into adding/omitting a certain element, I can almost guarantee you that I won't be satisfied with it, and the end product will suffer for that.

(I encourage you all to write the ideas you desperately want to see in this world. That is how most of your favourite authors got their start.)

In the case scenario that you don't jibe with what I've published, then that's totally okay. My work is free to read, which means that you haven't paid for something to only end up disliking it. You can click back, brush it off your shoulders, and imagine the ending you would've favoured instead – the same way we all do when a canon piece of media fucks up and we ignore it. You have my permission to daydream a little, or even ask me how things would've gone if XYZ happened instead (nicely of course). Just don't make me feel awful for something I created just to shush the brainworms in my head.

Anyway. At the end of the day, it's about being tolerant and kind. I hope you take my words into consideration!

[mystic-hyuck]

better with you (j.jh)

pairing - jeong jaehyun x reader

genre - hurt/comfort, angst, fluff

warnings - depressive episode, anxiety & insecurity, allusions to past self-harm (scars, nothing graphic), disordered eating. please do not read if these topics are triggering to you. this in no way is intended to romanticize any of these topics but is written as comfort for myself and hopefully for others :) my messages and inbox are ALWAYS open to anyone who'd like to talk about anything at all

w/c - 744

a/n - I apologise for the amount of hurt/comfort I've written for NCT it's like therapy for me

There were few things that scared Jaehyun. He liked to think he was a pretty carefree guy, that didn't stress about the little things. There were few things that scared him, but seeing you like this had always made him fearful and worried.

You were on a short break from college, and Jaehyun was already regretting not asking for time off his work too. He was missing you; you saw each other often enough but found lately spending quality time together was becoming increasingly difficult.

He knew something was off the moment he'd opened the door. Your shared home was too quiet, too calm. His heart sped up as he opened the door to your bedroom.

Just as he feared, you laid there under a pile of blankets, the soft sound of your breathing being the only evidence of your presence. You'd warily told him of your history with depressive episodes and self-harm, and he'd often reassure you it was never something he'd leave you for. It hurt him more than anything to see you like this. Seeing someone who made every waking second of his life so much better struggling so much made him want to help you in whatever way he could.

He slowly made his way to your side, crouching beside the bed so he was at eye level with you. You tried to suppress the tears threatening to fall as you meet his concerned gaze, a comforting dimpled smile on his face. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, cradling your cheek in his hand. "Hey princess, I missed you today."

You sniffled, a tear falling down your cheek. "I'm sorry Jae. I-I couldn't get out of bed this morning."

He wiped the tear gently with his thumb. "Don't apologise Y/N, these things happen. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm scared I'm annoying people, Jae. I worry at school people are getting sick of me, that you're tired of me every time I'm like this. It's just too much for my mind to handle at times."

Jaehyun had always been good at keeping his composure but listening to your teary confession almost shattered it. "I will never ever get tired of you. You're my energy boost, you make my life so much better. It hurts me seeing you like this because you deserve so much more in life but you're allowed to feel like this. As long as you remember I'm always here for you and I'm never going anywhere unless you tell me to." He pressed a kiss to your forehead. "Now, you haven't eaten anything today, have you?" You hesitated for a moment before shaking your head. He frowned. "You should've called me so I could take care of you, love. I'll go get something small for you to eat now."

He knew you couldn't stomach much when you felt like this, so he grabbed a small snack. You appreciated his thoughtfulness as he slowly encouraged you to eat some before laying down in the bed beside you. You turned to face him as he began to draw small shapes on your waist. You felt calm for the first time all day, fully relaxed in Jaehyun's hold. His other hand held yours loosely, as he began to run his thumb over the thin raised lines that littered your wrist. They were already years old, but the idea of you ever doing that to yourself made his heart break. He brought your hand up to kiss the inside of your palm. "Have you-" he swallowed, unable to finish his question.

You shook your head, avoiding his gaze. "There were a couple times I've wanted to though," you quietly admit, picking at a loose thread on your pillow.

Jaehyun's jaw clenched at your words, and he was silent for a moment as if in thought. His hand left your waist and you turned to look at him again. "I'll be two seconds, I promise." You nodded and he left the room.

He returned again, with a Sharpie in his hand. You looked at him questioningly. "What's this for."

He smiled at you, before placing his hand into yours. "For you. Draw until your heart's content," he said, gesturing to his arm.

And as you lay there, mindlessly drawing random shapes on his skin your troubles were forgotten, and you knew your problems were a little easier to manage when he was by your side.

a/n - i genuinely don't know if this is any good but i hope it brought u some comfort have an amazing day

[emilykaldwen]

how do you make a original character for a fanfic?

Anon, I'm sorry for delay in answering this but you see, when you dropped this into the inbox, I legit sat up and went 'My Time Has Come'. You can ask my citadel girlies (gender-neutral) about my passion for character creation because I like to smack them in the face with it (affectionately) on the regular. And here's the thing, I'm nowhere near the Word on how to do this. In fact, I am genuinely surprised to have gotten this ask. So thank you? I'm glad you like my writing!

There's like, five million ways I could do this sort of breakdown, touching on internalized misogyny and why we connect with the media we do and how this all ties into our mental health at the time but I don't think that's what you're asking about, so I'm gonna pull back on myself and talk about how I create original characters for Fic.

I feel like character creation, especially in fanfic is such a nuanced discussion that I don't think has really been talked about but we'll be here for 84 years if I launch into this now.

ALL OF THIS IS MY OWN OPINION. I'm just a rando on the internet and have my own approaches and opinions on things. If you feel like I'm specifically calling you out, I can assure you, I'm not, and I will not entertain people getting snippy at me because they want to be offended because they think I criticized them personally on the internet.

SO! HOW DO I CREATE AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER FOR FAN FICTION?

Questions, my friend, and the most important one is:

Why am I creating this character?

You need to be honest with yourself. Only yourself. Not the answer you think people will want to hear, or the one that you'll be least embarrassed to share. There are no wrong answers here, creativity comes from so many places within us. THIS SETS THE EXPECTATION.

Why am I creating this character? Is it because you have a crush on the actor? Is it because you want to be the pretty princess and have everyone fawn and fall in love with you? Is it because everyone is stupid in this story and someone needs to clean up the mess? Is it because you see a gap in the story that you feel should be told? All? None?

(In my opinion, the only 'wrong' answer is that you're creating a self-insert avatar to punish yourself. I've been there. It was not a great place, but I wasn't in therapy at the time. I eventually got over punishing myself in fic form)

For me, character creation comes from trying to add something to the story. The existence of my character should have interesting ramifications through the story. For me, if I'm going through the trouble of creating a character that fits into this world, I want them to have effect and change. There should be change. If nothing is changing in the story, then I'll just go read/watch the source material than sit around making someone who basically boils down to a spectator of what's happening.

Characters in our stories are real. They are living and breathing.

Example 1: I have an OC, Myranda Greyjoy. Instead of flying to Storm's End, Aemond flies to Pyke and brings her back to King's Landing. You know what that means? Vhagar doesn't go chomp on Luke, and Luke likely makes it back home unharmed or stays the night at Storm's End until it's safer to fly. So that means blood and cheese doesn't happen, and the war doesn't kick off immediately (which follows canon in terms of Luke's death being the trigger for blood and cheese which in turn means no one is gonna back down).

Example 2: In one of my original drafts of The Maiden and the Drowning Boy, Abby was at Harrenhal when Daemon took the castle (in Fire & Blood, this happens before Storm's End). In the book, Aemond is sent to Storm's End to treat with Borros, but if I kept this event in the fic, it would be in character for Aegon to mount Sunfyre and grab Aemond to go fuck Daemon up because his wife, the Queen, is being held by the enemy. Now, while this is super interesting, it had the potential to cut the dance of dragons down real short and quite frankly? I didn't want to deviate too much from the original dance in terms of some major events because that means that i have to come up with all of that stuff too. My ass doesn't have time for that. (but it's a cool idea)

Okay, so you know why you're creating your OC for whatever reason. Here's the next thing to understand:

CREATING YOUR CHARACTER/STORY FOR POPULARITY/VIRAL/EVERYONE MUST READ THIS IS ONLY GOING TO LEAD TO HEARTBREAK.

You've heard it time and again: write for yourself! and you're like the fuck does that mean asshole? I know, I know! And I really have to thank the AO3 Subreddit for helping me clarify what this means and how it impacts me.

Engagement is Down across the board, across all fandoms. It has nothing to do with you as a writer, it has no reflection on the quality of your work.

Comments are rare. Sometimes they never happen. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I've heard friends go into the lack of comment engagement. Validation is nice. We thrive on it! It feels so good to be told how awesome your work is, what people connected with, etc.

You cannot write for the comments. You cannot write for the external validation. You cannot maintain a sense of stable mental health if you are focused on the feedback.

So find your people.

I found mine! I've been working on my fic since NaNo in November 2022 and am only just now getting ready to start publishing, and I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't because my fic made my one friend happy. Now? I have a handful of people that I've cultivated real friendships with that support and cheer me on just as I support and cheer them on. They're my audience. Everyone else? Are fantastically appreciated extra dessert.

(Perfectionism is a real thing that so many of us actually do struggle with and if you're not meeting the specific standard that you think you should be meeting because you're a better writer than that super popular fic, you are going to make yourself miserable)

So what does this all boil down to?

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

You do not have to put some deep political dramatic plot scaffolding around your story in order for your OC to be taken seriously and so you can be 'allowed' to have your OC and the canon character hook up. This is YOUR story. You get to write what you want! You get to see how this story will go!

but if you want people to be receptive to your OC and the story at large, then you need to work on making your character living and breathing in the story.

Rattle test! Have a few friends who are trusted to talk through your character and plot and make sure they aren't afraid to ask the hard questions.

Me: Should Jace accidentally punch Abby in this scene cause she tried to get between them Me and Friend at the same time: Aegon would kill him, let's not do that.

I had another possible plot line where this other character was flirting with Aegon. It sounded cool in my head! but talking through it, it just really didn't work out or make much sense.

Anyway, I can go on and on about this subject, and probably write a whole thesis on this delving into how character creation in fan works should be an act of love, not self punishment, and how internalized misogyny plays a huge role in why people are usually averse to reading OC fan fic (in that I mean, the OCs often hate other women, are 'not like other girls' but everyone loves them, etc).

It's hard creating OCs to get people to read them. There's a ton of people out there who simply will not read OC work on principal.

But a final note:

Original characters =/= Reader Inserts. By that I mean, the whole reader fic genre is written specifically for the reader to imagine themselves in the situation. Original characters may be an author insert, but they are not the reader cipher. also original character =/= author insert either, but also you should be totes honest with yourself if you are writing your own insert. It's not a bad thing, it just gives your expectations.

[marshallsgirl]

I won't let anyone hurt you

Pairing: Eminem x Fem¡Reader

Summary: y/n went to the spa and two men attacked her.  

Warnings: 🔞MATURE READ AT YOU OWN RISK

Songs you can listen to while reading this: 2U-David Guetta, Justin Bieber.

Author's note: I got inspired by CSI Miami. Maybe no one will read it, but that's okay. I wanted to post it in here so that when I'm old I can come back here to read it and laugh and feel proud of myself and my crazy thoughts.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤♡¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

I had a really hard week. I've been so stressed about stuff at work. I didn't have Marshall to keep me company and make me forget about the whole world because he was working in California. So I decided I needed to take a break. I needed to relax. And I went to this great spa but first I texted Marshall just to let him know my plans so that he won't get worry about me not answering my phone.

"Thats great, babe. Call me when you get back home" he texted back.

Just imagining the great time I was about to have it made me feel happy.

So, I'm at the spa right. I'm wearing my swimwear underneath the robe and I feel so ready to be relax. I said hello to the other girls that were there. I was about to spend some time in the pool when out of nowhere two men wearing masks entered and they started shouting.

"All right, ladies! Everyone up!" Shouted one of them

"On you feet! Move it!" Shouted the other

I looked at them. I was really angry now. Why the fuck do they wanted to ruin my day!? The girls were screaming. They were really scared. Where were the fucking security of this place? Shit. One of the men got close to me.

"I said move!", shouted to me and pushed me. I fell down on the floor and I hit my head. I didn't feel pain. I got up and joined the other girls.

"Everyone in the lockers!" shouted the men

Fuck, they are gonna rob us. Fuck them. I won't let that shit happen. I'm furious now, man. Don't fucking mess with me.

"Come on now! Get in there now!" They continued screaming at us. "I want this lockers open now!"

All the girls obeyed them. Fuck. I was angry and I wanted to do something but I didn't want to hurt anyone, I started thinking. My purse was in my locker and inside of it I have a gun. Protection purpose. I had never use it before. Maybe today is gonna be the day.

" I want your purses in my bag and your keys in my hand!" they said.

Oh, fuck no! You won't take my car you bastards. I open my locker and got my gun ready. I can hear them getting close to me. They are both close to me. I don't see any guns in them. So, I'm gonna be fine, right? I looked over my shoulder and I saw another girl. She got pepper spray in her hand and she is getting ready too.

The man touched her shoulder. We were both facing our lockers. The other man touched my shoulder as well.

"Hurry up and give me that" said the man without knowing what she actually had in her hand.

"You, where's your key?" asked the other man to me.

I looked at the girl next to me. We both nodded and turned to face the men. I pulled the trigger at the same time the girl next to me shotted the pepper spray to the other man.

The man I shotted is laying on the floor. And the other man runs away.

Soon the police were there and the media too. I wanted to call Marshall but the police men kept asking me questions and then paramedics were all over me because I had blood on my face from when I fell earlier. I was fine. I didn't feel pain but they insisted in me to go to the hospital. I kept on telling them I need to call my man but they didn't listened to me. They took me to the hospital. I begged a nurse to let me call Marshall and she lent me her phone, but Marshall didn't answer. Hours passed and I was still in the hospital

"I'm fine. I wanna go now" I said

"Please, just wait we need to do a few more exams just to make sure everything is fine. Is a busy day today, please be patient" said the nurse and just as she finished her sentence I hear Marshall's voice. Could it really be him?

"There you are!" he said as he saw me laying down in the litter. "Y/n", I sat down in the litter. He started kissing me. He kissed my chest, my shoulder, my neck, every part of me that he could reach.

“You good?” he demanded between kisses. “Did they hurt you at all?”

"I am absolutely fine now" I promised and cupped his face in my hands. "The one day I decided to pamper myself, right?" His eyes went straight to the gash over my eye.

"Y/n, I don't like the look of that"

"I'm fine"

"Did they check you out?"

"Babe, I'm fine" I said

"Tell me what happened" he demanded.

" They were suddenly there and...I keep seeing them, you know, those masks..."

Marshall's arms tightened around me.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry I wasn't there"

"You are here now", I let myself absorb that for a moment, let it sink in and settle in my head. I was finally with Marshall.  I was safe now. "How did you know what happened?" I asked

"I saw it on the news"

"You know I used my gun?", He looked at me smiling

"That's my girl" he said and kissed me again.

When we got back home we went straight to the bedroom. We cuddled in bed until Marshall got a call and he left the room. That was weird. Normally he doesn't has a problem with me overhearing him while he is on the phone. He returned with a triumphant smile. He climbed onto the bed and positioned himself on top of me. He started kissing me. He kissed me so passionately. He kissed my neck. He bited me. He left open kisses on my neck. I could felt his delicius tongue making his way to my chest.

"Whats got into you?" I asked moaning and he looked up at me.

"Want me to be careful?" he said while he removed my clothes so that I was just wearing my bra and panties.

"Answer me!" I demanded

"I want to fuck you, babe" he answered and started to kiss me again. He press his lips with my lips in the most delicious way. His tongue and mine are dancing together. It's my turn to take off all his clothes. Kissing again my neck I feel him leaving marks. He made his way to my breasts. With one hand he took off my bra then cupped my breasts, my nipples pucker at his touch. I lifted my arms and putted them around Marshall's head. My fingers weave into his hair, and very gently I tug his soft, sexy hair. He's sucking my nipples making them to extend. I arch my back to force my breasts into his expert mouth.

"You like this, babe?"

"Yeah"

He sucked them a bit more and then his fingers hooked into my panties and slide my panties down my legs and off. Gently, he cups my sex, brushing his thumb across my clitoris and making me cry out. Slowly, he inserts one, then two fingers inside me. I groan and thrust my hips forward,

eager to meet his fingers and the palm of his hand. He circles his fingers inside me, around and around, while his thumb strokes my clitoris, back and forth, once more.

“Ah, I'm close” I groan, while Marshall’s fingers continue to move inside me . "I need you" I breathe

And in one swift move he buries himself inside me.

“Ah!” I cry out, not from any pain, but from surprise at his alacrity. He groans, and his lips find mine again as he pushes into me, over and over, his tongue possessing me, too. He moves frantically and I meet him thrust for thrust, welcoming him.

“y/n, come with me” he growls and those are my words. My eyes shut as my body tightens at the low sound of his voice, and I come loudly, spiraling into an intense climax and he comes powerfully, pouring himself into me, his face strained, his body rigid, before he collapses with his full weight onto me, panting. We stayed like that many minutes. Finally he shakes his head and leans up on his elbows, taking someof his weight. He gazes down at me as if seeing me for the first time.

"Fuck, I love you" he bends and kisses me tenderly

"I love you too, Marshall"

We cuddled again. And I couldn't stop thinking that I really love him. I'm his and he is mine. I feel so lucky.

"Sleep" he orders

I feel so relaxed. This is what I needed. Soon I felt asleep.

"I took care of the asshole that ran away. I won't let anyone hurt you" Marshall whispered.

[weird-is-life]

When night falls, I am your escape #12

Summary: After avoiding her home town for a long time because of the boy who broke her heart. Y/N goes home to spend the longest time there in 15 years. The problem is that he is home, too. Daniel wants to reconnect with her but she wants nothing more than to just avoid him.

Warnings: language, mentions of dinner, angst, fluff, kiss

Chapters: 12/12

Words: 3k Masterlist

A/N: This is the last chapter of the series. I suck at endings, so i'm sorry in advance lol. In all seriousness, thank you so much for reading this. It means a lot to me. Thank you Thank you Thank you

Lastly, here's the song, that always made me feel inspired, while writing this series, also peak the lyrics😉. Enjoy!

I spent the remaining 2 days, locked in the house. Refusing to answer any questions about my mood from my parents. I ignored every phone call and message from Daniel and some other people by turning my phone off. I just sat in my room with packed bags and I replayed what exactly had happened.

It was like my mind and body, completely shut down after the kiss. Like some kind of protective mode was triggered in me. And to be honest, it was kind of obvious why. I mean, I didn't want to get hurt as I had before.

I wanted to protect my heart from the heartbreak, refusing to acknowledge the feelings I developed for Daniel.

After 2 days of impatiently waiting for my flight out of there, I said my teary-eyed goodbyes to my parents and got on the plane.

When I finally got home after the long flight, I let out a huge breath of relief and slammed my body on the huge bed, immediately falling asleep.

But I did the mistake of turning my phone on, well I didn't have any other choices I needed for work. I found so many missed calls and texts, not just from Daniel, but from Mike and Michelle.

I did what I knew the best, I ignored them, and instead, I threw myself into the work, completely shutting out everything else.

-

Daniel was losing his mind from the worry. You weren't picking up the phone or answering his texts.

He was scared, he'd hurt you. He didn't want things to get the way they were. He didn't want you to ignore his existence.

He wanted to know if you were okay. But he didn't want to push you. So he stopped texting you, hoping you'd reply to his text.

And when you didn't, he got only worried more. He did the only thing he could think of and drove to your house, hoping to see you.

He didn't find you behind the door, instead, he was met by your mom.

"Oh hi Dan, wasn't expecting to see you here," she said.

"Hi, is y/n here? I'd like to talk to her" he nervously chew on the inside of his cheek.

"I'm sorry, but she just left a few hours ago. Her flight already took off" she said with sympathy in her voice.

"She did?" Daniel asked disappointed and your mom nodded.

"Did she say anything a-about me? Like did she leave any note?" he asked, he hoped you wouldn't just leave without saying or writing, anything.

"No, I'm sorry. Was she meant to?" she asked and Daniel's face dropped.

"No no, it's alright. I was just wondering... - it doesn't matter. Thank you for letting me know. I have to go now, it was nice to see you."

"Bye Daniel" she waved him goodbye, looking worriedly at him.

Daniel wasn't really surprised, you left. He kind of expected it, but it still stung. He hoped, he could talk to you about everything. He hoped, he could make everything clear between the two of you.

He didn't know, what to do. He behaved weirdly, like everybody could see something was wrong. They didn't want to push him to tell them what was wrong with him. But eventually, Mike had enough of his sulking and asked him, while they were working out.

"Okay, I've had enough of this. Spill it, what happened?" Mike couldn't stand to look at his mopey figure any longer. Daniel was messing up the exercises and it drove Michael crazy.

"What do you want me to say?" Daniel looked at him.

"I don't know, how about what's been bugging you for days now?"

"It's nothing, forget about it. Let's just go back to the training" Daniel wasn't really in the mood to talk.

"No, we will not train, until you tell me what's up" Mike insisted.

"Just let it go" Daniel was stubborn as always.

"C'mon Dan, it's me, just tell me."

"I kissed her," Daniel told him.

"Kissed her? What are you talking about?"

"Y/N, i kissed Y/N. For crying out loud" Daniel raised his voice in frustration. He was angry at himself about this whole situation.

"You kissed Y/N?" Michael stared at him, mouth wide open.

"Yes! Fuck, I'm such a fucking idiot" Daniel crouched down, putting his head in his hands.

"She didn't kiss you back?" Mike asked, he didn't know why his friend was so upset about it. I mean, he was like 99 percent sure you liked Daniel back.

"She did, but then...-but then she pushed me away, saying it was a mistake and shut the door in my face without any explanation" Daniel explained angrily, " I fucked up, didn't I?"

"Such a fucking idiot" he murmured to himself.

"Have you tried calling her? I'm sure, it will have an expl-"

"I tried, but she completely ignored me and she's already in London" Daniel desperately explained. He already gave up trying to text you.

"She left already? But I don't understand" Daniel picked his head up from his hands to look at Mike's confused stare.

"What do you not understand? I kissed her and she left" Daniel was beginning to get irritated by him.

"No, I get that. But I don't understand why would she kiss you back and then leave" he clarified.

"I don't know, maybe she still hates me" Daniel tugged at his hair lightly.

"She doesn't hate, I'm pretty sure, she likes you back" Mike argued.

"Well, then I don't know why. I thought we were cool again" Daniel huffed in defeat.

"Maybe you're just that bad of a kisser" Mike tried to lighten the mood with a joke.

"Not funny" Daniel glared at him.

"But wait? Why did you kiss her in the first place? What happened to stay friends? " Mike squinted his eyes at him.

" I don't know why I did it" Daniel lied.

"You don't know? Oh but I think you do" he pointed an accusatory finger at Daniel.

"I don't. "

"You still love her, admit it," Mike said and Daniel stayed quiet. There was no point in trying to lie, he knew Michael knew the truth.

"I knew it" he half-yelled," but wait, what are we going to do?"

"We? We aren't going to do anything, I just want to know if she is okay" Daniel said.

"Yes we, I'm going to help you" Mike stated.

"How exactly are you going to do that?"

"I'll try to call her. "

"What?.... You know what sure, call her" Daniel immediately lit up.

"I will call her after you're done training. Now move your ass" Mike said.

"You're such an asshole" Daniel complained.

Mike kept his promise and tried to call you. Of course, you didn't pick up. He even texted you and no response.

Mike told Michelle about it and basically, Daniel's whole family found out about it. They didn't comment on it or do anything about it, they didn't want to make him feel worse than he already had.

But if it wasn't for his mom, he wouldn't have done anything about it, too.

"Daniel, get your shit together and go talk to her," she said to him.

"She doesn't want to see me and besides I wouldn't know where to find her" Daniel replied.

"Don't make the same mistake again. Here take this" she handed him a small piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"You can find y/n there" she smiled at him

"How did you get this?"

"Doesn't matter, you should just go, follow your heart for once" she encouraged him.

"But I don't think she wants to see me" he protested.

"Daniel, I swear to god, that if you don't go after that girl, I'm gonna kick your ass" she threatened him and Daniel thought, she looked too serious about it like she might kick his ass.

"Y/N is just scared of getting hurt again by you. You have to go and show her, that you won't do that" she added, her expression softened.

"You're right.... as always" Daniel admitted, "thanks mom."

Daniel took the advice to his heart and was ready to tell you everything. He stayed in Perth for a few more days, until he had to leave back to England for work. He hoped not just for work, but that he'd find you and make everything right.

-

It was Friday night and I was cooking dinner when the bell rang through my apartment.

I stopped stirring the soup with confusion laced in my face, thinking about who could it be. I was sure, that I didn't invite anyone over. All my friends were out of town, so I had no idea who it was.

I thought maybe a neighbor, needed something.

I went to open the door to see who it was. But something told me to look through the peephole in the door first.

I took a look and immediately backed away from the door.

Daniel stood there and I didn't understand what he was doing there. He was supposed to be still in Perth as far as I knew. He wasn't supposed to be standing in front of my door, looking so anxious.

But I didn't open the door, I stayed quiet hoping he would just go away. The only sound I could hear for a while was my breathing and the silent sounds coming from the pots in the kitchen. That was until the bell resonated in the room again, making me jump and yelp from the unexpected ringing.

I still hoped, that Daniel didn't hear my hushed yell and he would just leave.

"Y/N, I know you're here. Please I j-just want to talk. Please" I could hear his pleading voice coming from the other side of the door. I didn't answer.

"Please Y/N, just hear me out" Daniel wasn't giving up just yet. But after the maybe fourth time I heard him call out my name and I still didn't say anything, he gave up.

"I'm gonna go, I'm sorry" he left soon after he said those words.

I stood in the middle of the hall for a few more minutes, wondering if I was being stupid about everything.

I mean, Daniel showed he had changed. He showed that he wasn't the same stupid teenager anymore, that he wasn't going to hurt me like that again and i was still scared to let him in.

I liked him and that scared me even more. But it was so like me to overthink things like that and then push people away. Just like this.

I stayed frozen in the hallway until I smelled something burning.

It was fair to say, that all that was left of my food, was just charcoal. So not only my mood was ruined, but also my dinner. Great, right?

-

Besides burning food on Friday nights, I spent my time mostly just at work. The drive from my flat to the office was way too familiar now, i could drive there with my eyes closed.

I pushed out every other thought from my mind except for work.

Today was not different. I woke up, did my morning routine, got in my car, and drove to the work.

I managed to get a lunch in between going through a huge pile of paperwork and many cases. And as always i was the last one to leave the office. Everybody was long gone, when i packed my bag and started walking to the garage.

The only difference from the usual sight of my car was, that i saw a person standing, more like leaning, next to the car. It made me halt my steps, i recognized the figure straight away. Dread filled my body along with some questions.

'What is he doing here?'

'How does he know i work here?'

I thought about turning around and walking to the nearest bus station or calling a taxi instead of getting to my car. But it was to late as i heard him say.

"Hello miss, is this your car? 'Cause I wanted to compliment the owner of it for having such a beauty" he smirked at me. It was clear, he was trying to ease the tension between us. It worked, but just a little.

"What are you doing here?"

"You know why I'm here. I want to talk " he looked at me as i took a few steps to be closer to him.

"Talk about what?" i played dumb. Obviously, i knew, what he had on his mind, but i didn't want to think of it.

"C'mon Y/N, you know what" he pleaded.

"But there's nothing to talk about" i stubbornly replied.

"Yes,there's plenty to talk about. For instance the kiss or why you have been avoiding me" he objected.

"Yeah, we kissed and it was a mistake. Let's just forget about it and move on" i desperately wanted to leave and not to face the feelings i knew, i had for him.

"And what if i don't want to move on?" he asked.

"I-..." i didn't know how to reply to that. Part of me didn't want to move on too, but the other part, the scared part, was screaming at me to leave.

"I don't want to move on and lose you again. You mean too much to me, you have always meant so much to me. I was an idiot to let you go then, i'm not doing the same mistake again. There's just no way" he said and when i still didn't say anything he continued.

" You know how i said i loved you? " he asked and I uncertainly nodded.

"Well, i don't think i ever stopped. It's funny actually, i spent years trying to forget you, and all it took for the feelings to come back, was just one look at you. Just one look and boom, they were back like they'd never left" he laughed dryly and then expected you to say something, anything really, back.

"Daniel, what do you want me to say?" i asked distressed.

"Honestly? That you feel the same" he softly said.

"I do..." i irrationally whispered.

"What?"

"I do feel the same. It's...-It's just that..." I trailed off.

"It's just what? " he patiently waited for me to tell him what was in my mind.

"I'm scared. Frightened actually" i confessed with glossy eyes.

"Scared?" he asked as soon as the question left his mouth. The realization settled in his mind.

"Scared of getting hurt," I said with a low-pitched voice. I was trying so hard to not let the tears fall down my cheeks and Daniel noticed it.

"God, I'm such an asshole for ever hurting you" i couldn't hold the tears in any longer and they started to run down my cheeks, "I promise you, that I'm not going to do that again. Never again" he promised and hesitantly lifted his hands to brush the tears away. I instantly leaned into his touch, when his palms touch my skin.

"Please, don't cry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I will leave now, I didn't want to make you feel hurt" he didn't want to see you cry, because of him. It made the heart in his chest break at the sight of your upset face.

"Do you mean it?" I sniffled and opened my eyes to look at him. At this point, I was ready to give him the second chance. His hands were still on my cheeks.

"Every single word" he whispered, "I swear, I won't hurt you again. I'm pretty sure, my mom would kill me, I did" he joked.

" You're such a dumbass, how can you make jokes right now," I asked with a small smile breaking through my frown.

"I'm sorry" he chuckled.

"So what do you say, will you forgive me and give me a second chance? I won't let you down, i swear" he inquired.

"No," I said with stony features and his smile immediately dropped. Disappointment filled his face.

"W-what?" he stuttered, taking a step back from me. He prayed, that he just misheard, that instead of no you said yes. I tried to keep the smile in me. I didn't mean the no, I said it just to tease him.

Of course, I forgave him. I was ready to forgive him, the moment I saw how desperate he looked.

When I had enough of his hurt and confused expression. I grabbed him by the shirt, pulled him close to me, and kissed him on the lips.

He didn't need long to kiss me back, melting into the kiss. I buried my hands in his hair and he pulled me even closer to him by my waist.

By the time we pulled away, our lips were slightly swollen and Daniel's hair was a mess.

Our foreheads were against each other and we had wide smiles on our faces.

"So is that a yes? Will you give me a chance?" he asked sheepishly.

"Definitely" I beamed at him and he cheered, lifting his fist up in the air and I just chuckled at his antics.

"Are you hungry?" he looked at me with warmth and affection.

"Starving" i responded.

"Great, so do you want to go eat? I know this one awesome restaurant" he said, already pulling me after him.

"Is this supposed to be a date?" i grinned at him.

"Of course, what else would it be? " he grinned back at me.

"Okay," I smiled.

"C'mon" he gently pulled me by my hand.

"Where are you going? My car is here" I pointed at it.

"We are taking my car, it's faster" he smirked at me.

"But what about my car?"

"Leave it here, I'm sure it will be fine," he said and resumed walking.

"Dan..." I wanted to protest, but gave in and walked with him. We left my car behind, hand in hand with the biggest smiles ever.

And as I let Daniel drag me to his car, I knew, I was in trouble. But if it meant Daniel was the trouble, I was very happy to be part of it. Always.

...

...

...

Taglist: @mgajdaaa @theworldofemmy @wonderlandofsu @eniram-du @citylights31 @readerselegance @queenanababy @starxq @tall-tanned-tattoo @dr3lover @scotlynaurora

For the last time, thank you for reading. Feedback is always appreciated. Let me know what you think about the ending.

Also huuuge thank to Hannah for helping me. You're the best!!!

Have a great day and stay safe everybody. Peace out ☀️

[laineystein]

(Prompted by your post about leaving for work.) Do you enjoy your work as a physician? I've been a nurse for 10 years but am desperately trying to change careers to something outside of healthcare. (Oh, how I'd love to have one of those jobs people were able to do from home on their couch in PJs during Covid. I think they just read spreadsheets all day or something.) I'm burned out. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of taking care of other people. But it makes me feel inferior to my healthcare colleagues because they're ~passionate~ about ~caring for people~ and I don't hold that same passion 😅

First I’ll say that even the people that love their jobs have bad days and doubts. That’s life. But this is a tough question.

Do I enjoy my work as a physician? Yes, mostly. I love emergency medicine and working in an ED. I am absolutely passionate about being able to help people during some of the worst moments of their lives. I’m proud of how hard I’ve worked to be where I am in my career. I love my unit and my hospital and my team. I’m phenomenal at my job and I couldn’t picture myself doing anything else. However, COVID completely changed my life. Something that I loved became something I hated. Things have definitely gotten better the more time passes but the pandemic gifted me with moderate PTSD and it can flare depending on various factors, which can make working in a hospital nearly unbearable sometimes. I think the great part of emergency medicine is that when things need to happen, you just do it. Anxiety and flashbacks and pain go out the window when you’re helping someone else. But sometimes after a code or after hours in the trauma bay, when everything is stable again, the situation hits me and it can be very triggering. I understand this isn’t everyone’s experience but for those of us who worked in healthcare during COVID, we are forever changed.

So yes, I’m also burned out and forever exhausted. And I know so many of my friends in healthcare feel the exact same way. I was supposed to be on a bit of a sabbatical then October 7th happened and now I’m back in the hospital for 24 hours/wk. But I am passionate about what I do even though it’s different now. I’m so passionate about what I do that my favorite part of my week is the remaining 20+ hours where I get to teach emergency medicine to students/soldiers that haven’t been disillusioned by a pandemic and the overall state of healthcare.

Please know that so many in the healthcare field are burned out and exhausted like us. It seems to be the norm. But it sounds like your malaise may be more than that, and that’s okay! I’m proud of you for recognizing that nursing may not be a great fit and I hope you find something that more aligns with what you’re looking for and ideally makes you happy. I know “starting over” can be tough so it might be advantageous to look into more clerical nursing jobs - case management, insurance review (in the US), recruiter. The change of pace/scenery might spark the passion that initially got you into nursing (it can be difficult to think clearly when you’re knee deep in the problem) or it might show that you need a complete change and I have faith that you’ll find it. All the love and best of luck! 🫶🏼

[hypnotisedfireflies]

(DISCLAIMER: So this is more a thought to explore...rather than a prompt per say...but you could also treat it as a prompt if it inspires you!)

Our favourite bunnies go at it pretty fearlessly because Tess can't have any more children. How does that landscape change if she could?

I've read some fairly unreal Pregnant!Tess fics, that's not what I'm suggesting here. But I think it would be interesting to get the Arien treatment 😎 on maybe a conversation or a scare?

(idk, tbh, I really struggled with myself about this one, whether or not or put it to you, but then I thought, hey wth, why not!)

Hi!  Thank you for sending this thinky piece to me!  I’m going to answer it here rather than a prompt (hope that’s okay) as I’m not sure I could do this justice as a full story, but it is certainly interesting to consider.  I’ve been turning it over in my mind for a few days to get my thoughts in order.

Making Tess infertile in Drifters was deliberate to avoid traversing into some very dark territory because, other than the killjoy of pregnancy scares, I knew I’d be looking at going into multi-miscarriage territory.  I think given the diet, the lifestyle, the tension and the constant dangers, bringing a baby to full term would be extremely difficult.  And while bringing a baby (or a dozen, given these bunnies) into the story could’ve had its moments, I think it would have ultimately drawn focus away from what I wanted to do.  And I also felt, well, they had enough to worry about without tormenting them with that, too.

I’m also kind of untraditional myself, so the progression of in love = married = babies isn’t really my jam, even though I still find the concept kind of intriguing from a fictional perspective.  (I mean, Tess and Joel as parents?? It is appealing.  And I kind of flirt with that a bit with the fever dreams).

So with my rationale of why I did not do this out of the way I can now just give you a brain dump of Tessjoel pregnancy ideas that I might have done something with (and who knows? Still might somehow ...!)  So trigger warning out there, this would be dark:

Tess finding out she’s pregnant between Missouri and Tennessee and hiding it for as long as she can, hoping it will just go away on its own or more likely

Joel figuring it out before she does because he is Attentive Father and Husband 101 and being like, “… is there any chance that maybe you might be … pregnant there, Tess?”

Violent morning sickness resulting in the trio holing up somewhere we didn’t see in the story – Tess quickly unable to travel, basically.

Everyone being extremely miserable and scared about it the whole time.

Tess ultimately miscarrying and then a whole lot of trauma and guilt because she wanted that to happen.

Joel not there when it occurs and Tess only telling him like, days later that it’s gone.

Joel wanting the baby the whole time, because his key jam in life is to be a father, and although he was sensibly scared about what this would all mean he actually felt good about it.

Tess then breaking things off with him entirely, not so much because she was afraid of falling pregnant again but because of the guilt being amplified when she realises that he really wanted it.

Meeting up with another group a few weeks later when they get moving again and Tess deciding that she’s going to leave with them.

I don’t know, maybe not seeing one another for awhile?  Months?  Maybe a year or so?

Finding one another again, maybe somewhere like Sioux Falls/if not actually Sioux Falls.

Naturally they’re at it like rabbits again, nothing has changed about the way they feel for one another.

Things are good for awhile, they’re careful.

She’d fall pregnant again and this time they’re like, okay, maybe this is something good, maybe we should do this.

Tess extremely stressed, maybe not so ill this time around but not really coping so well.

Joel being the one to have a handle on it, he’d just think she was so fucking beautiful pregnant it’d be sickening lol. He’d be rationing himself to give her the best food etc.

Another miscarriage, this time Joel is there and with her the duration.

This time it pulls them closer together rather than pushes them apart.

… I did say it’d be pretty dark, lol.  So yeah, I think that’s probably the kind of journey the Arien Treatment would’ve given that storyline.  It would have changed everything.

[loquaciousquark]

Mulling over the news about the upcoming Patch 2 and trying to decide what I want to do here. I'm very, very close to the end of the game--just the dragon quest, Orpheus, and assaulting the Elder Brain left--and the news about the epilogues has me wondering if I should wait to finish until after Patch 2 drops, since IGN suggests it's coming out this week. (I mean, I played ME3 both with and without the Extended Edition DLC, and knowing what came first helped me much more deeply appreciate what came after, but...hm.)

I'm also trying to figure out what exactly is being suggested with this new Karlach content. The Steam post says it's a "more fleshed-out" ending that many have been asking for and that it's a "new optional ending" that's "fiery, poignant, and gives her the ending she deserves." The IGN article quotes one of the devs as saying "it will make a lot of people happy," which...what's going to make them happy other than an implication that her heart can be fixed permanently--but also, what's poignant about that? Hmm.

I don't really care about the Minthara stuff (sorry Larian), but I'm very interested in the expanded epilogues being suggested for the rest of the party. What Larian says on the Steam post, that they were sure fans wouldn't want a long epilogue in a game where you can complete so many quests in so many ways, is silly to me, but regardless, they seem to be addressing it, and I won't argue with more content letting you know how you've affected the world. It's also not clear to me if this patch is going to include new/expanded epilogues for everyone or if Karlach is just first. I've also read about the bugs with the LI post-epilogue scene not triggering unless you let Karlach die in the final battle, and I'm curious to see if this fixes that. Not that I'm exactly over-eager to get Astarion's at this point, ha--though whatever happens there will shape my post-game oneshot, for sure!

It doesn't really matter to me if they add the Upper City back in; I've been reading some of the original material (ads, trailers, and such), and frankly I think people made a lot more of a few throwaway lines than they should have, and I'm not sure that's Larian's fault. I don't even really want another area to explore in Act 3; what we have is plenty! I do think Cazador's palace's entrance is dumb, but meh. Not exactly a dealbreaker. So that they say here that they never meant the Upper City to be more than something to fight through in a climactic battle--fine, sure, good with me.

I am super glad to see performance in Act 3 especially is being addressed. I've had to restart the game for fps drops there more than any other place--it felt like almost every two hours sometimes. I found myself actively avoiding saving because it seemed like every time I saved, I dropped five fps. It'll be good to see that section run more smoothly.

In other news regarding my actual game progress, I finished the House of Hope the other day, and that special fight song at the end has been stuck in my head on loop ever since. I really, really loved that song & how they used it, and I'm going to go listen to it again now.

(I also got the Devil's Fee woman the Gloves of Hill Giant Strength to complete that quest, then stole them right back out of her back pocket and gave them to Karlach. For as generally altruistic as Tavish has become over the course of the game, some habits die too hard, and some items are just too shiny.)

[doctorweebmd]

hi this isn't a question i just desperately need to tell you how much zero sum game ruined me and put me back together again. lurking mental illness and suicidality under shit circumstances, physical disability, mental and physical scars, constantly fighting off the ptsd and having to learn how to cope in ways that don't hurt other people so you can hang onto the person that makes it all worth it. it's everything i've gone through, right down to soul destroying and healing intimacy, at first to feel pain and then to attempt feeling truly good for the first time. zero sum is undoubtedly going to be one of those artworks i can never shake off my psyche in the best way, like an abstract background hug for my heart. thank you so much for taking so many scary themes to tackle and packaging them so beautifully, i really needed that lately.

sincerely, a previous battle of the bands fan who is now absorbing your entire oeuvre into their personality.

first i want to thank you profusely for sending me this. thank you for sharing your own experience, and your own pain. i know thats not easy and i'm some random person but honestly reading this makes me feel not so alone in the world. of course, thank you for reading, but also for relaying that you felt seen by it. i always feel so silly because its a my hero academia fanfiction but, with all sincerity, words like yours are what make writing it worth it.

zero-sum is sincerely my favorite thing i've ever written and probably always will be. not because i think the plot is awesome or the physics stuff was cool (EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE) but because its the first time i was able to write about my own personal experiences with mental illness (heavily projected onto Katsuki and Izuku, lmao) in over ten years.

Okay fair warning i am going to overshare under the cut so please feel free to stop reading also I love you and cherish you and appreciate you thank you so so so much for sending this

i'm sharing this because, at some point, i needed to read this. maybe someone will stumble on to it and realize something. maybe not. maybe its just another way for me to continue to process what happened. i think i'll always be processing it. mental illness is a bitch

when things got really bad for me (the first time around) i stopped writing completely. at that time, i truly, from the bottom of my heart, believed that my disorder was the only thing that made my writing interesting. that if i was to recover, that means i could no longer do the only thing i was good for. unironically, writing was actually a major barrier to my recovery for some time.

writing, the thing i loved most in the world, started heavily triggering me.

so i stopped.

the problem was, i heavily romanticized what i was going through in my writing. i made the suffering 'beautiful.' by thinking it was beautiful, i was trapping myself in a loop of self-destruction.

they say, 'write what you know.' but all i knew was misery. so misery was what i wrote.

romanticizing your pain is something i think we all do. sometimes you have to. its a survival mechanism. if the pain is 'beautiful,' then its 'tolerable' to go through.

what no one really tells you about mental illness is that its really, really fucking lonely.

what no one tells you about recovery is, its even lonelier. its the most isolating thing in the world. everything you relied on, everything you thought to be true, the way you interact with the world completely changes.

things are always going to be different. you can't go back to who you were before.

what i did do, when i went into recovery, was read the very few published books about people with (disorder) who recovered. over and over and over again. i needed something to latch on to. anything. i needed to believe it was possible. i needed to believe people like me survived. that they could find happiness. that they could find love. that there is space in this world for people as broken as me.

i dont know. zero-sum, to me, was a love letter to that 19 year old kid that hit her (first) rock bottom. i pretended she didn't exist because it hurt too much to think about her. but what she needed to know, then, that recovering, no matter how difficult, was worth it. that life can and WILL get better. that she will one day wake up every morning and think 'fuck. i'm so glad i'm alive.' that even people like her can find happiness.

that one day, many years later, embarrassed, she'll show her scars to a person she just started dating. that he'll sheepishly show her his. that they'll exchange police reports like love letters. she'll learn that there are people out there that understand her. have felt her same pain. have lived through the same hell. she'll learn that survival is sometimes based on hope, and sometimes based on spite.

but is, despite it all, always worth it.

she'll learn that her suffering does not preclude her from love and connection and happiness.

that one day, she won't feel so alone.

and that one day, she'll be able to sit down at her computer and write about it. maybe it will be in the form of my hero academia fanfiction lmao but that doesn't make it any less real.

maybe it will reach someone. maybe it won't.

but one day, she'll be able to do the thing she loved more than anything in the world again, because nothing is ever truly lost.

there is a future worth fighting for.

[secret-vent-rant-account-i-guess]

Ok..I've been thinking about making this for a while so... trigger warnings...I guess

If you do not want to listen about colombine then don't read this so if you don't like any of the stuff related to that then... please go away

If you do want to listen to this and you..... really like the two guys who did it like.....really like them...then also don't read this because it's just me yelling about how I don't like them

And finally 3....there is no grammar or punctuation and I don't wanna put it so without further adieu

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT ERIC HARRIS AND DYLAN KLEBOLD AND WHY THEY SUCK

Ok context I've been doing this thing where I get baked and watch disturbing hour long iceberg videos it's fucking awesome you should try it anyway I was watching "the disturbing and controversial video games iceberg"

Here:

https://youtu.be/sQ1wzo2Zh14?si=Dq74dIht-POE-anC

And on like...teir 3 I think there was this one game titled "super colombine massacre RPG" it's.... exactly what it sounds like and the last teir was doom maps made by Eric harris and idk after watching that video....it stuck with me not in a way that traumatized me but....I kept thinking about those guys their names and faces so often it's like....every other thought and I think a lot

And because I think about them so often I feel bad about it because I feel like one of the people who have a crush on these guys....I don't have a crush on them I have no positive feelings for these greasy mudballs

AND THEY ARE BOTH....JUST ASS LIKE THEY GENUINELY FUCKING SUCK IDK HOW Y'ALL EVEN LIKE THESE DUDES I HATE THEIR GUTS

SPEAKING OF WHICH.....HOW DO Y'ALL EVEN SIMP FOR THESE TRASHMITES

LIKE ERIC HARRIS IS THE MOST AVERAGE LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER I'VE EVER SEEN LIKE....I KNOW LIKE 5 DUDES WHO LOOK LIKE HIM

DYLAN ON THE OTHER HAND LOOKS LIKE THE DEFENTION OF GREASY LIKE THEY ARE BOTH.....JUST....NO

AND ME THINKING ABOUT THEM CONSTANTLY PROBABLY ISNT GREAT FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH BECAUSE IM SCSRED TO GO BUY A SODA AT NIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR THELAT THEY'RE GHOSTS ARE GONNA GET ME....I KNOW THAT WON'T HAPPEN THERES NO WAY IT COULD

ANOTHER REASON IT SUCKS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH I THINK LIKE.... ALMOST EVERY OTHER GUY MIGHT SHOOT UP MY SCHOOL THAT MAKES ME KINDA PARANOID

AND FINALLY I WAS IN CLASS AND A CLASS MATE OF MINE CAME A LITTLE LATE WEARING A TRENCH COAT AND SHADES I ALMOST HAD A GODDAMN HEART ATTACK ITS NOT OK

AND OH HO HO HO MAN....I FOUND SHIT I FUCKING FOUND....WEIRD SHIT I TRIED TO GO ON THIS SITE CAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE THERE ARE OTHER HATE POSTS ABOUT THESE GUYS....THEN I REMEMBER ITS FUCKING TUMBLR I FOUND THE FANDOM....THID MADE ME FEEL WORSE LIKE....I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO CONFESS THAT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO THESE FUCK WADS AT ALL LIKE 50 TIMES I FEEL BAD LOOK MAKE ALL THE DYLRIC SHIT YOU WANT MAN BUT FUCK....I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE YOU (wow that sounds mean I'm sorry)

THE FICS ARE WORSE MAN....THEY ARE SO..... IDK HOW TO SAY IT BUT I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT TRUE DREAD TILL NOW

IVE BEEN HAVING DREAMS ABOUT THEM BRO ITS NOT GOOD

(I had this dream where Eric and Dylan lived in one of those influencer mansions like hype house or something and they were telling all the tik tokers about this thing called "cliff terroism" it's domestic terroism but better for the environment and JFK from clone high was there he approved this message)

THERE ARE.... CHARACTER AI BOTS OF THEM.....I-I HAD TO TRY THEM I HAD TO SEE I USED IT TO YELL AT THEM AND THEY WERE LIKE "ur mom" AND I ALSO PRETENDED TO BE A DOG BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

I TRIED SO HARD TO GET MY MIND OFF THEM I GOT HOOKED ON WALLY DARLING FOR A BIT SO I GOT CHAT GPT TO WRITE AN ESSAY ON WHY WALLY DARLING IS BETTER THEN THOSE FUCKING ASS RATS

LIKE I..... I FUCKING HATE IT AND THEM AND WHAT HAPPENED AND MAYBE DEEP DOWN I HATE MYSELF A LITTLE TOO

Thanks for listening...I really needed this