#and only twice a day when i feel like it
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Here's an update on my posting schedule (again) BST time:
Once a day at 10:30 pm
Twice a day at 10:30 pm and 12:30 am
TZR somewhere in the afternoon
Sometimes no posts on weekends
#rambles#non sims#its my break so theres more free time!!#i feel i should let u know cuz my posts dont always show on dash#i cant see it now and again idk if thats still happening to others#yh i post when im asleep#and only twice a day when i feel like it#or its more like an in game event takes up 3 posts or something#3 days for an event is very slow that id much rather post it quicker
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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.
Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?
Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.
The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.
Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.
It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.
I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.
He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.
#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#STANLEYYYYYY#STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants#Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with#the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten#The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you#that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help#If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once#Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON#I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming#But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything#Like he really mattered so little to the people around him#and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too#I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him#The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things#And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year#Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people#the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better#its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand
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y'all ever think abt how it was julie having the affair and it is even said multiple times that she was the one who left him, yet wilson was still the one who left their home and moved in with house. like. he couldn't bear to stay in their home alone. he immediately ran to house and stayed on his couch for weeks. suffered through his pranks and his laziness and his manipulation. telling him he wants him gone while sabotaging his attempts to leave. and he only left once he got a girlfriend again.
#chyanne speaks#house md#hilson#hate crimes md#gregory house#james wilson#i think his inability to be alone is such an interesting quality of his that isnt touched on enough#like yes we all haha at his long string of unsuccessful relationships but we dont talk abt it all stemming from his inability to be alone#his first wife leaves him and then he remarried quickly#he cheats on the second wife and remarries quickly#the third wife cheats on him and leaves him and he immediately moves in with house#and then starts dating a patient and immediately moves in with her#but!!! then he moves into the hotel and is alone for like almost a year! and honestly he NEEDED IT#bc GROWTH happened in that year and he meets someone who doesn't fit his M.O. who breaks away from the mold#although he does immediately move in with her too but still. amber was different. she was the step in the right direction#and then she dies.#and then wilson throws himself into the left field. everything needs to change. he's spent so long fearing being alone.#so he tries to leave so he is completely and totally alone without house to fall back on#but house needs him. he needs him too much. they need each other too much.#and he falls back to house again. and he's content that way. he's always the most content when he's with house. always feels the least alone#and then sam comes back into his life and ruins e v e r y t h i n g#he falls right back onto those old patterns. kicks house out and moves her in. and then what happens??? of course??? she leaves him. again.#and then he's alone again and it hurts. he gets a cat that we only hear about twice and then never gets brought up again#but wilson has his kitty. he has house. he's not alone. he can be content.#and then house fucks everything up. he goes to prison. wilson is alone again.#im honestly SHOCKED that wilson didnt remarry in that year they were apart but he was rly trying to change!#he was working on himself and trying to make changed he thought would be good for him#and then house comes back. and house won't LET wilson be alone. he wont leave him alone.#and it's exactly what wilson has been yearning for since the day he drove that car into cuddys house#and in the end. as long as he had house that was all that mattered. as long as he had house he wasn't alone.
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Hi GT,
Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but I absolutely love the recs you've given (you've introduced me to tomione, and I love it!) and I was wondering if it's possible to give you some recs in return? There are some books and fics that definitely have dramione / got vibes, and I was wondering if I could share them with you!
So glad you've enjoyed them! Feel free to rec me anything you want. I've read most of the classic recs in terms of fic and adjacent content (Cruel Prince et al), but I'll try anything that's well-written. My tastes run towards weird and/or audaciously creative stuff, and I can forgive a lot of weaknesses in plot on the grounds of (1) ambition or (2) character work. My turnoffs are instalove, protagonists who can't fail, and most Y/A (I'm not a hater, I swear, I just need characters who can say "fuck" when their leg gets chopped off.)
I'm also a fan of weird and fucked-up dynamics.(Wuthering Heights was my favorite book for a while, and as a teenager I wrote an AU in which the book ends on a long sex scene where Heathcliff fucks Cathy's ghost and then immediately gets murdered by Catherine 2.) Obviously, I am very normal.
#greenteacup asks#my beef with Y/A is mostly expressed in a dissonance between tone and content#LOVE the content. dystopia fantasy horror sex and blood — awesome. but question. why are they all saying 'darn'?#like in the vampire diaries where they'll watch people get eaten and then 2 episodes later be like 'omg SCHOOL DANCE'#(EDIT: actually in fairness. on the vampire diaries. it was mostly just caroline that did that. unfair example my apologies)#& i distinguish this critique from a common bitch-and-moan complaint about tv shows being interested in 'girly' things#like relationships and social standing. that is not my complaint. that shit is delicious. i will chomp that shit for days#my issue is that when the stakes oscillate wildly from episode to episode and i can't tell what the main thing is#like sorry. a story with murder in it is always going to be about murder. you can't make it not about murder#unfortunately! many have tried.#and in general i have difficulty reading about teenagers bc—#(she says having written 600k words about them OKAY I KNOW. i contain multitudes.)#because they're either mini-adults (preferred flavor. jude in the cruel prince nails this) or like leetol babies to me#and unless it's something like the hunger games where the Leetol Baby thing is part of the story#i'm like. hang on. you're 12 what are you doing here#percy jackson was hard for me to re-read as an adult for this reason#which is why they're enjoyable for teenagers! because as a teenager you DO feel like an adult#and you like reading books that treat you like one! nothing wrong with that! healthy even!#only then you get past the teenage years (mashallah) and you get stuff like twilight#where of COURSE bella doesn't think twice about 117 year old man falling in love with her#because he looks like a rich mysterious 17-year-old hottie#but you reread it later and it's like um well. that. could be explored a little more maybe.#i'm not even necessarily opposed to it. candidly. still team edward. i just think the dynamic should be more fucked up and juicy.#which Y/A authors are often reluctant to do. like. COWARDS! face the nasty consequences of your narrative decisions!#anyhow. you didn't ask for any of this. please give me your recs lovely person you seem very nice.
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Someone asked me about something VinVeld related and I've been working on the response for two hours because I had to double check some terminology to explain the canonicity of them being partners, which led me down a rabbit hole on titles used amongst coworkers, which led me to check how often one title specifically shows up in the Japanese BC script, which led me to double checking that I remembered the honorifics used between characters and how that's super relevant to keep in mind when interpreting Veld and Vincent's short interaction—
This isn't even the question, it's just necessary information for me to be able to explain my take on the situation, because I don't want people to just take everything I say at face value without knowing where it came from.
There is something so fucking wrong with me.
#vinveld#lore gremlin reporting for duty i guess#nashi has an opinion#ANYWAY that word only appears TWICE#and ALSO the lack of honorifics means WAY MORE than people give it credit for#and basically the Grimoire Valentine translation is contextually correct#and they were partners in the turks in the old days#full explanation will be included when i finally ANSWER THE DAMN ASK#i am so sorry friend i promise i will respond#give me time#my brain is so full of these two#but i feel like i gotta justify everything because people only accept official meta#for confirmation of canonicity#and that's THE WORST
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Trying to hammer out time loop au stuff (said like I’m going to do anything with it when I am so clearly not) but I’ve found a way to make both rui and tsukasa suffer (based)
#what if you rejected your boy best friend when he confessed to you & then the day just Kept Fucking Repeating#from rui’s side he only confesses like once or twice before tsukasa starts acting so off in each loop that he’s more focused on#‘what’s wrong with him’#rui: are you ok#tsukasa (has been in the loop for at least 4 days): yes I am perfectly fine and experiencing time normally#have to call in miku&kaito to prevent his dumbass from going ‘maybe it was a dream?’ (wakes up again) ‘maybe it was a really long dream?’#mine#Guy so stupid fate has to intervene and give him another chance so he doesn’t fumble#he’s speedrunning the ‘wait I’m not straight’ and ‘wait I have feelings for rui’ realizations. he is not enjoying it.
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Hey don't forget sometimes it's okay to cry.
Some people laugh while crying, it could be hysteria.
However that's okay too. To cry and laugh.
To laugh or smile when your in pain. It's your way of expressing.
Some cry when happy too. It can be a happy cry. To much joy maybe.
It's okay to be angry. People have limits on the rude comments they can take.
Feeling jealous can cause anger. It's okay if that's what you feel.
People can feel angry when sad or vice versa.
Sometimes you can instantly turn angry. Sometimes even the slightest of things can make you angry. It's okay.
Sometimes you feel things you don't want to. It's just a part of being alive. It is healthy to let yourself feel emotions. Even if others do not understand. Even if others seem to judge. Even if others shame on it. That doesn't change that having feelings is valid and everyone experiences them.
People just experience emotions and feelings differently, some might be similar but others are different. Doesn't make feeling less important.
However feels can be bad. Sometimes they hurt you or others. It that's the case take tome to relax, calm, and reflect on it and see what you can change. Sometimes it's others who need to change.
Sometimes you need to feel what others consider negative. Like even grieving, boundaries being pushed, seeing others hurt by others, being hurt yourself, and many other reasons. Feeling a negative emotion isn't bad. It's just a part of being alive.
Sometimes they are telling you to take a break, or that you are taking too long of a break. However some still are harmful. Explaining how you feel is something children are supposed to learn. Yet many of us never did or when we did we got hurt ourselves.
However that's because there are so many who refuse to believe that you are supposed to feel negative sometimes. It's not bad. And of you ever get told feeling negative is only bad then maybe change up who your around or what you see online. If you need help doing either of those then please, don't feel afraid to ask. Especially someone like me.
Even if I feel too it doesn't mean I won't listen. Actually it means I have experience that could help you out. And no it doesn't matter how old you are as many people experience different things and also known others whom been through things they haven't themselves. There's also the thought of knowing what to do if you ever do have something happen that you've never felt yourself before.
I and many would agree that you need to feel emotions, just make sure no one gets hurt, even yourself and if they do apologize. Even if your apologizing to yourself. I promise you it can help. Go look in a mirror and apologize to yourself. No matter what for. That is if you want to. No rush. Of course no rush. And I know many don't like looking at themselves so I won't force you too.
#Feeling is natural#I indeed made this to tell myself to calm down a bit.#this is some of what a portion of my brain says to me.#I literally have like a “voice” in my head that tells me stuff like this. it's like a mini therapy buddy. I have a few.#I have more physical ones too. they can appear as a hallucination. sometimes I can hallucinate them touching me and comforting me.#I have one that's a fox person and they give off a warm glow. yellow glow. they first appeared as a hallucinations one day#they still appear sometimes. though not only when sad too.#I even have my comfort characters do similar things but sometimes those ones seep into my dreams to comfort me.#like one night when I was sleeping I dreamt Randall was with me like a physical form of Randall was sleeping and laying with me.#it helped and I also was able to put him in fake scenarios with me. it was well the start of me creating him.#He's not the only one of my characters I've dreamt of. just one of few were the dream was a comfort dream.#as a different character of mine keeps trying to marry me in dreams. like twice#okay so I'm going to stop rambling in the tags.#however feel free to use this post to ramble. say what you do and what you feel even.
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Thought about Daisy Johnson too long again. 7 dead 5 injured.
#aos rambles#it's the way she “hardens” over the seasons without losing her kindness and empathy#she grows tougher sure but she doesn't change. she just doesn't fall for the same thing twice. she grows#there was a post on here about how choosing to be kind isn't always a virtue especially when paired with naiveness.#and how it ties into abusive cycles and the emotional labour women are expected to perform#and i feel like that's an aspect about daisy I love#she's never going to stop fighting for the random innocent strangers she meets every day#but at the same time if you hurt her and betray her she's not going to forgive you. she might not be ready to kill you at first#but if you keep pushing she will just shoot you. and i appreciate that.#she's so tired. and so traumatized. and miraculously so grounded despite that all#and the world keeps on using her and using her and breaking her down and she fights back without ever becoming like her enemies#she's not going to start killing civilians just because her lover was secretly a nazi.#what she IS going to do is shoot that nazi in the chest several times after he kidnaps her AGAIN#and then of course there's the self destructive tragedy. she won't let the world break her and she won't hurt innocents.#because the only one allowed to break Daisy is Daisy. The only innocent she will hurt is herself
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I miss my old coworkers!!! I miss having friends at work instead of passive aggressive assholes who don’t want to train me and then get annoyed when I don’t know things and act like my very existence irks them!!!!
#if this was part time I’d be able to handle it#but 9 hours a days day after day is genuinely putting me in the worst mindset I’ve had in months#like I go to my car during my break and sit there pushing tears back bc I feel alone and shunned!!!#and these are GROWN ASS WOMEN??#one of my old coworkers came in to pick up a medication the other day and when I saw her my entire body literally slumped with relief#like omg someone I know who doesn’t hate me!!!!#and we had a quick convo bc she was updating me on work tea and I was like wow I haven’t felt this happy since i started this job#almost 2 weeks ago and that was such a sad reality check lmfao#and like the only reason I got this job is bc I’m bilingual and they desperately needed that#and it’s like okay do you realize you need me?? bc I’m there most of the week the other bilingual girl is only there twice a week#and 99% of your clients don’t speak English so what’s gonna happen if I leave??#you’re going to have to find someone else and train THEM from the bottom just like me#you’re gonna be in the same position all over again!!!#this is all so infuriating
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💋💋💋
#i colored this twice and hated the result both times.... so grayscale it is KJNAKJN#this damn thing was supposed to be my selfshiptober day 1 'first kiss' prompt art AAAAAAAA!!!!#but i still wanted to finish at some point bc..... neck kissie hehe... r!ren goes for the lips first ofc but when he ramps up and#we run out of breath he travels across the jaw and down the neck. he's... very passionate. i don't want to say 'handsy' bc that has#connotations but he is... physical. he likes the physicality of kissing and holding someone.#like (in his mind) this is the only way to express what he feels internally and he has to get it out.#🐐 [ been up all night. ]#🦦 [ can't escape it. ]#📌 [ my posts. ]#✨ [ oc lore. ]#selfship#self ship#selfshipping#self shipping#🐸 [ look ahead. ]#🎨 [ 046 art. ]#046 art
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i'm giving guadalajara too much shit but los pueblos negros (the black villages) are genuinely really freaking cool
also! my first experience with them was through an andrea compton video, cause she is from one of these villages!!! for those who don't know her, andrea compton is one of the most belovedests spanish youtubers, one of the ogs as well and i love her very much. anyways, she lived here until high school, where she went to live with her father in my hometown lol, in suburban madrid. so. pretty big change. i unfortunately cannot find her video, she might have just deleted it at this point - i watched it at least 10 years ago - but i found what her village is if you want to look it up, it's called roblelacasa, and as of 2016 it has 22 inhabitants. i remember she told in the video that she had to go to another village to go to school, and that in said school there were 6 kids in total, of course with different ages all together in the classroom.
#guadalajara#spain#also. and i feel obligated to say this every time i talk about andrea compton or inés hernand but it's the only good thing i can say#about my hometown#but not only did she live near me. the high school she went to is the one that's next to my house. like the park in front of the hs was#the park i went to when i was a kid#which most likely means i met andrea compton and inés hernand when they were teens and i was a kid#cause all the kids from that high school also go to that park#and for those who don't knw#inés hernand is like. one of the most important people in this country i would say??? at least among young people#she studied law but she's mostly a tv presenter nowadays and she is like. extremely political extremely leftist extremely funny#i love her#well they've talked thousands of times how andrea and her met on the first day of high school and became best friends and how tehy've been#inseparable since#to think that happened next to where i live while i was living there just blows my mind lmao#and we've met andrea compton cause she's my sister's favourite youtuber like she's been following her since she was like 10#in fact my sister was the one who showed me the video about her village#anyways we've met her twice in anime cons and also we've also met her a couple times more in concerts and stuff cause she's fan of stuff#we also love sjdsj#and every time we talk about my hometown and we know ehere her dad lives (very close to us) and she's confirmed the high school was that on#and yeah. she's very dear to my heart and i'm extremely happy everytime she gets recognition cause it's only what she deserves <3
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#just saw a post that was like 'if you have religious or moral objections that stop you from providing certain types of medical care maybe#you shouldn't work in healthcare' (paraphrased) and...#what a way to look at the world tbh#like. they're talking about me i think - i am a conscientious objector when it comes to euthanasia#(which granted has come up exactly twice and both cases in a theoretical capacity only this is not a frequent request to me)#and... i am also a good doctor#last week i told someone that her weight doesn't matter to her health with receipts to prove it and she cried#no one had ever told her that before#and that was something that came from me specifically. that was something i would not trust all of the GPs in my practice - a practice of#excellent and compassionate GPs! - to say#i am verifiably doing good in my job that is coming from specifically who i am as a person#i cannot put that down when it comes to issues i care deeply about#fundamentally the fact that i cannot put it down is what makes me a good doctor#i think that's what i'm trying to get at#the reason that i do well by my patients is that i practice out of my values and my ethics#if i did not stand on that core i would not stand at all#so you can't have it both ways. you can't have engaged and active and compassionate healthcare providers without sometimes those engaged an#active providers having things they do not feel comfortable doing#and it is to everyone's service if they are up front about it and do not try to hide (i am suspicious of people who try to hide this)#i am literally figuring this all out as i type hence the v long tag ramble and also being nowhere near the post that started this train#(honestly in med school we talked so much about ethics as like. abortion! euthanasia! trans rights! and the ethics in practice is the littl#things. do you apologise when you mess up. how do you manage a consult with your patient with paranoid dementia and her child in the same#room at one time - or one by one bc that's fraught too. (that one's on top i had one of those today.) how do you act with grace when#you're a bit stressed and your patient is a bit stressed and the nurse wants to add five more things to your book. the day to day ethics is#SUCH a bigger thing when you come to actual practice.)#this is obviously entirely about me and leans on the fact that i largely do think i am doing a good job i am really feeling my own way#to a Thought. but i think to a certain extent it is generalisable
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my second adhd med dose just kicked in can you tell
#i think i explained this but basically since the other ones i was on were all slow release#(and are all on crazy shortages)#the solution my doctor and i arrived at was to take the instant release ones twice a day#once when i first get up and once ab 6 hours after that (i missed it by a little bit but shh)#(i didnt exactly have my first dose when i first got up bc im a fool)#which is... okay! i mean its better than nothing#but it means i get all this... energy and focus and function#all very suddenly#and it only lasts maybe an hour? which sucks#so i try to like#use my ''morning'' one for actual tasks like cleaning#and then my ''lunch'' one just so i can feel... better. like a person. yk?
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peak dash tonight but i gtg do like. something productive
#none of this info is important i'm just chatting w you guys. into the void#actually i haven't been updating you guys on rascal i am living with him now it's great#he's obsessed with drinking the turtle water though (not dribble my foster turtle my roommate has her own)#but he recognized me and likes me ummm better than anyone i try to introduce him to lol#which makes sense but still. :)#he's bigger now he's like a teenager or something and he's mellowed out a lot#but i definitely am still a bit scratched up bc he is NOT good at communicating his feelings!!#im getting better at it but he will pivot so hard and fast it's wild#anwyay he's sweet and he still likes sleeping on my neck#just about every day he'll see that i'm lying down and curl up on my sternum it's terribly cute#but he doesn't seem to find my lap or laptop nearly as interesting as before. maybe when it gets colder outside idk#things have been great and silly and scary only in brief and also jsut so much like guys imTIRED of [university name] giving me bullshit#why can't things go smoothly like ever why is every minor process breaking down at every stage#but whatever. anyway i've had my japanese i class twice and the first time was so so scary bc APPARENTLY im surrounded by ppl who've been#self-teaching for years (i was mistaken about this btw) and also speaking is scary ok. today was good bc i misunderstood smth and#kinda studied the entire unit in advance. so i was like GOOD and prepared y'know. easy and now i know my strategy going forward lol
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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i like refrain from commenting on this but its getting to a point where i see it daily so listen i cant think of a nice way to say this sorry 😭 but if this is you then with all love now is probably not the moment in your life to start going by a hebrew name and changing ur icon to a magen david on a pride flag and starting a blog called journeying-to-hashem. and i say this with love for you like i think people are too worried to say something in case theyre gatekeeping but the fact is this type of thing is going to seriously negatively impact any future experience you do have - or on the other equally valid hand make it very difficult for you to realise that this may not be the right step for you at this point in time.
if you genuinely feel that every rabbi you meet is "super bigoted and weird" then (without judging you bc idk you and maybe you are just surrounded by dozens of homophobic rabbis and there's nothing antisemitic at all behind this statement) it could be that... joining the community they represent is not right for you, even if only at this point in time in your current location, and your tumblr experience is giving you the warped impression that its all nonbinary people in trad-egal minyans which is not going to be the case in almost any irl community so you will feel let down by all of them which unfair to both yourself and them (i.e my first point)
#and i keep meeting like 15 year olds irl who do this um#imscared 😭 but like they always come twice and then disappear when they realise its not just reblogging a picture of a pomegranate#this is one of like three phenomena that are making me seriously consider leaving tumblr bc seeing it every day is like#great so im just going to get pissed off again for no reason#thats a fake url i made up so sorry if thats someones url#and not @ this specific person its just very on the nose#also just feels representative of the wider death of community thinking in the young online community lol#sometimes you have to enter into community with people whose views dont 100% line up with yours#but are like fundamentally good and kind people. and if you actually listen to them and treat them as equals you may find that not only are#they open to your point of view on some things but you might find yourself learning from them as well#crazy rite..
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