#and resigned myself to scroll past a lot of stuff

[claire-starsword]

what’s up my friends my followers my beloveds remember last year when i searched every corner of this virtual earth for signs of Shining Force Chronicles III and found absolutely nothing, barely a screenshot or two?

anyway today i was not looking for it. Here’s a channel with a full playthrough. enjoy.

[hoyitspaolo]

An Aquarius sat infront of me at a diner. We ordered our food. She looked down at her hands. "I..I know that I was always so cold, everything I say always comes with action, and I always wanted a reaction. I can be harsh, I know that." The waitress appeared with her food first, she thanked her, and smiled. "I'm slowly accepting that. And sometimes, you just have to say fuck it. Who gives a fuck!"

An Aries asked me to pull some stuff out of her car. She placed all of her exes belongings into an abanonded barrel. threw some kerosene and stepped back. I looked at the barrel and she lit a match and threw it into the barrel and watched as the whole thing catch in flames. She slowly rests her head on my shoulder, "I'm not going to be a fool anymore. I'm better than that, y'know?" I kissed the top of her head and we stood there in silence as the heat radiates around us.

A Cancer recieved one of the greatest news of her life. She just recieved an internship from a prestigeous graphic design company. She hurriedly called me and expressed her full emotion at how happy she was. A couple months she was in a rot, always being so hard on herself and worrying about that she wasn't going to amount to anything. She prayed. She meditated. Manifested. It paid off. Now, she wants me to get ready because she wants to go drink and eat out.

A Capricorn placed her two weeks notice on our manager's desk. She looked at me, and smirk. She stretched and came in for a hug. I held onto her tightly. She slowly pulled away and smiled. "I've thought about it. Long and hard, and I wasn't really feeling happy about everything anymore.." I told her that she settled. She nodded and looked back at her resignation letter. Then she said, "I thought this was my end-game, but I see now that I'm more than that. Who they think I am. Who I am... so I'm going on this adventure." She smiled at me and walked out through the back door.

A Gemini placed her hands in mine as we're sitting on her couch, drinking her favorite tea. We sat there talking about the things that we went through. She stared down at her tea and said, "I'm tired," she trailed off for a moment. "It feels like I've always been running myself in circles, trying to find a piece of me-- with every love, every pain and heartbreak.." she squeezed my hand in hers and she smiled at me. "Not anymore..I found myself and I know where I am and who I am.." She kissed my forehead and got up, told me to clean up and went to her room.

A Leo grabbed one of her cameras from the back of her car, and tossed it to me. She ran towards the cliff overlooking the city. She posed for me. I took some pictures of her and she hurriedly ran back. She scrolled through the pictures and laughed at how awful my angles were. "I used to be so hard on myself when I'm not doing my best... buuuut..", she trails of. She smiled at me and showed me a picture of her doing the peace sign, "I've realized now that I don't have to really fake it to make it. I'm happiest when I am filled with love.."

A Libra held me tightly, letting out a sigh of relief. She had too much to drink tonight. I can smell the alcohol coming off of her. She saw her ex. She let it out. She cried. She got angry. She drank. I watched it all unfold. But what made it better was that she dusted herself off and told herself that she wasn't going to let that bother her anymore.

A Pisces watched as the crowd infront of her ran as the rain started to get a little heavy. She laughed as the droplets of water hit her face, drenched. She turned to me and ushered me to come with her. I hesitated. I slowly take my steps and stood beside her. She laughed. She held onto my arms. "I forgot what it was like to feel this much excitement...". It was true. She forgot to live. She forgot what it was like to look at the world and its beauty. She looked up and stretched her arms wide open. I-- I have never seen anyone so free, like the chains have been broken.

A Sagittarius walked out of her room and presented herself to me. She was wearing here favorite Hogwarts house shirt. I smiled and nodded in approval. Over the past couple of months, she went through a terrible heartache. She wasn't herself, but she made me a promise that was going to bounce back up again. And she's a nerd, and she loved Harry Potter more than anything, so seeing her wear those gold and red colors on her, means she's back on her feet.

A Scorpio and I parked out at a burger joint's parking lot. We ate our burgers while listening to some 90's love songs. I looked around her car and noticed that there were tissues all over her dashboard. She's been crying for the past couple of days ever since she found out about her boyfriend. She placed a hand on my shoulder and shook her head. "No, I'm not going to be that person anymore. I promise.. I've watered myself down too many times. I forgot that I have a stinger too." She laughed. She knew about her astrology, she was a Scorpio. As she should.

A Taurus walked through the halls of the museum, and she was so awestruck by the paintings that were pinned against the walls. Famous paintings from all over the world. People from different parts of the world come and go to marvel at these paintings. She made her way to the middle part of the room.. she turned to me and smiled. "Hear me. See me. I'm no longer going to dim my light..."

A Virgo neatly placed a blanket down on the grass, she called me up to do some star-gazing with her. We laid there and watched as the night sky was slowly engulfed by the billions of stars coming into view. We laid there in silence. "You know," she broke the silence. "I've always thought I could do things all on my own, and the funniest thing is that I always please people. How ironic..." A shooting star passed by and she closed her eyes. "Now, I'm slowly letting things go, and trying my best to go with what my heart tells me to, rather than overthinking it.." I smiled and congratulated her, and told her how proud I was of her.

- Words of Affirmations and Laws of Attractions.

[andallthatmishigas]

Please just keep scrolling past my mental health journey and attempt to celebrate my own progress on stuff I’ve been working on if you’re not interested (which lmao why would you be) but I wanted to take a second to just put it into words.

Today I went out wearing a new top I bought. It is sleeveless and requires a racer back bra. Before today, I would have worn my usual bra and a cardigan to hide my shoulders and arms. My upper arms are thick and flabby and my shoulders are fat and freckles. I have never ever liked being sleeveless. I’ve been covering up with cardigans since I was about 15 years old.

I’m on a self-improvement journey at the moment where I’m losing weight and eating healthier and trying to be accountable to myself. Why? Because I don’t want to hate myself anymore. And it’s not just about changing my mindset into being accepting of my body as it is. Because I’m not as healthy as I could be. And I don’t want to feel like I need to hide. I don’t want to continue to live my life in shapeless clothes and hope that no one sees the parts I’m trying to hide.

I used to wear short skirts and tight tops and feel amazing. I loved showing off my body. I loved my curves and I loved the way my clothes fit me. I’m definitely weird shaped and I can’t wear everything but I knew how to dress my body and to feel beautiful.

And over the last six years or so (latter days of law school and beyond), I’ve not felt that. I’ve been so ashamed of my body and of myself and I’ve looked at myself in the mirror with resignation. Not acceptance. Resignation.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m very pretty, and I don’t have any shame about saying that (and my journey to that is a whole other can of worms). I like a lot of things about my appearance. I like wearing sparkly, colorful things and doing bright makeup and wearing fun shoes and pattered blouses. I like to be noticed because I’m extremely shy and I am terrified of being overlooked and passed over if my appearance doesn’t catch people’s attention. But despite my continued love for attention-grabbing clothes, I’ve strategically made sure that those clothes hide my body for all that I’ve grown to hate about it.

Today I wore a sleeveless top that showed off my shoulders and arms. They don’t look the way I want them to look. But I’ve lost 11 pounds since the second week of June when I started my journey. I see the progress. I feel the progress. And even if my arms don’t look great, I didn’t mind today. Thanks to my continued weight loss and my somewhat changed perspective thanks to the pandemic, I’m starting to accept myself again. I’m not resigned. I’m starting to accept.

Every day I’m getting a little closer to when I can put on a dress and be comfortable and smile in the mirror. I’m not there yet. But it doesn’t feel like a pipe dream the way it did 3 months ago. I wore a bright coral sleeveless top today and walked around in the world and felt good. And that’s a big step for me and I’m glad I’ve taken the time to acknowledge it.

[florencefallons]

Life and Stuff

August 10, 2020. The the first day of the most insane month of my life. Of course it would happen in 2020. I hope you’ll forgive me for using this platform as a means to get the thoughts jumbled around in my head out into a more organized form. I rarely ever even use this platform anymore. When I do, it’s to reblog pictures of Carol Burnett or Barbara Stanwyck. The occasional Emma Thompson photo. Never to sit down and spill out everything on my mind into what, very likely, will become a novella on its own.

I’m not a prolific speaker. I trip over my words. I say “um,” and “uh” a lot. My brain is moving at twice the speed of my mouth and my poor mouth can’t keep up. Therefore when I have things on my mind, like I do today, I can’t just talk about them. A) Who would I talk about it to? and B) Even if I had a place to talk about these thoughts, it would come out all jumbled up and I’d end up sounding totally ridiculous and having said nothing I wanted to actually say.

When it comes to expression, writing is where I’ve always excelled. Excelled is a strong word, but when you compare it to other forms of self expression, it’s the only form I am able to use proficiently. I don’t have a vlog or a youtube channel. I don’t have a blog that reaches people. I have no voice. No influence in this world. But I have this platform and it allows for posts like this, and for once, I’m going to use it.

As I said, August 10, 2020 was the first day of the most insane month of my life. More has happened to me in this one month span than has happened to me at any other time in my life...and you’re hearing from a person who was injured on the job and has had a fractured spine and 13 surgeries. I’ve been through some stuff. Nothing with the intensity and frequency this month has thrown it at me though. This month has resulted in seven major events that have deeply impacted my life in some way. Nobody is being forced to read this. In fact I expect most will see its length and scroll past it faster than a fundraising ad for Donald Trump. I do hope SOME of you will take the time to read it though. I’m mainly writing it for posterity. To have a place where this month is recorded, so I can come back someday and remember it. So, with that being said, here are the things that have happened (or are soon to happen) in this 1 month span. Listed in chronological order.

1) August 10, 2020. I was in my 2nd week of work at the new clinic our hospital opened. Working for the largest hospital and clinic system in the state, sometimes our clinics outgrow our ability to contain them. My job was in the neurology clinic. I worked as the nurse who took care of all the multiple sclerosis doctors and nurse practitioners, while answering all the patient questions, emails, and voicemails. We’re looking at about 2,500 patients on the generous side of the estimate. Needless to say, I was busy. It was said many times by coworkers, by the doctors I worked with, and--admittedly--by me, that the job was a two-person job. It was too much for one person to handle. I was drowning fast in a mountain of paperwork that needed to be filled out, messages that needed to be answered, phone calls that needed to be returned. I’d accomplish finishing, say 25% of the work, and 50% more work would come in. I was at the end of my rope. 

--Let me interject here by saying that, over the course of the 16 months I worked this job, I had to start seeing a psychiatrist, I had to start psychological therapy with a licensed therapist, and I was started on no less than 5 new psychiatric medications. Once the correct balance was found, I was reduced down to only 2, but regardless, I think this fact alone proves the point that the stress of the job was getting to me.--

I finally looked at the mountain of work in front of me and I broke. I set up a meeting with my boss, the director of nursing for all of the neuroscience service line (that covers 6 clinics). We met, and I told her “You told me to be open and honest, and to come to you whenever I have an issue.” She agreed. I went on to tell her that I was losing my mind. The workload was entirely too much to hold over one person and needed help. Desperately. I was constantly being interrupted by people needing help with this or that, which was fine. I don’t mind helping anyone, I love it...but it took away from the time I had to do my already overwhelming job. I may have cried some, I don’t remember. 

Her solution was probably the worst idea ever put forth, but I was so devastated and down and overwhelmed, I didn’t really even hear anything she said after I spoke my piece. Her suggestion was that, if our clinic was too hectic for me, I needed to transfer to the new clinic. It was an epilepsy clinic but we had 2 multiple sclerosis providers there too, so I could go there and be the MS nurse there. At that moment, that sounded like a great idea. Fewer people=less stress. Yeah, no. Once she sent me over there, she decided with me being there, they had no need to keep our patient care tech there. So she took her away and made her work at the main campus, where they have tons of patient care techs. That left me and another nurse who, due to a bad knee, did very little that tinvolved getting up off his ass and helping out with goings on in the clinic. He much preferred to sit in his fancy chair and delegate duties to me from there. I was younger, I was newer, and he was--in his mind--the charge nurse.

So, thus began the saga of my doing at the new clinic, the job that THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE did at the main clinic. I was forced to triage (get into a patient room and go over everything to make sure it was up to date) every patient, draw labs on every patient, all while trying to do the job I was ACTUALLY hired for, which was answering phone calls and returning messages. Which was a full time job on its own. Needless to say, my “new’ duties took all that time away and all my stuff went unanswered. I kept getting harassed by patients and managers that stuff had been sitting waiting too long to be done. 

Mr. Charge nurse, from his chair he never left, didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. “It’s not that bad here” he’d say. Sure, if you never have to get up and do anything, but for me, it’s very hard. I have to do all the job of a PCT (getting paid nurses’ wages by the way) along with a job just as busy as the one you’re having to do. I’m expected to do as much if not more in the computer as you do, yet I never have time to touch it because I’m always triaging patients (half of which are YOURS) and drawing all the labs. Well of course he disagreed and said he helped and I was overreacting. By that he means he maybe got up once or twice a day because someone needed attention and I was still busy in another patient’s room.  My boss would berate me, asking why my inbox was sitting there so full and nothing was being done. 

“WHEN DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THESE THINGS *Insert her name here*??? I spend my entire day, I mean my ENTIRE day, doing the job of a PCT and you’re paying me to do the job of an RN. “Well, *insert his name* says he helps you.” That’s a damn lie and he knows it. He thinks that he’s the charge nurse, he’s older, and he has a bum knee (mind you I have my entire lower half of my spine fused so don’t give me that “I have hardware in my knee” bullshit. I’m full of titanium too. Fight me.) Well, help was refused, the other nurse was just told to try and help more and that he was not the charge nurse, that our clinic didn’t HAVE a charge nurse since there were only 2 of us. Well, he got so butthurt over that, he interviewed for a new job in the same building as our main clinic. He was offered the job. He was getting ready to give his notice and I was literally at the end of my sanity. So I turned in my notice to my manager on August 10, 2020. I told her I couldn’t keep doing the job of 3 people by myself and it was too much I was through. My doctors begged me to stay. She asked if I was sure that’s what I wanted. I said it wasn’t what I WANTED, but I can’t keep working like this. So I really don’t have a choice. “Well we don’t have the staff or money allocated to give you a tech if you’re over here.” So I shrugged, said I was giving her 4 weeks notice and I’d have to leave.

This was a Monday. On Wednesday, she came back and not only gave our tech back, she gave (*insert his name here*) everything he wanted, because she’d caught wind he was getting ready to leave too and she’d have no nurses at the clinic. I told her I’d retract my resignation if she would let us keep our patient care tech, because with her, I have time to actually do my job. She all but said “OK” and to give her a definite answer on Monday. So I did. Monday I told her I’d stay since we had adequate help. Well apparently she discussed thsi with her boss and came back at me with “Sorry, but all we can accommodate is an as needed position or you can extend your leave date and stay on full time until your replacement is hired and you can train them to make the transition easier.”

Are you freaking serious, bruh? “As needed” meaning “free reign to fire you with no consequences when we don’t want you anymore, plus all my benefits would be taken away.” Or, I could “stay and help train my replacement.” Are you out of your mind? Then what? Fuck off into the sunset, your job here is finished? I think I’ll take a hard pass on both those options. My last day will be September 4.

So, while going through all this I was being tested and was diagnosed with not one, but two life-altering disorders.

2) First, I was diagnosed with severe attention deficit disorder. I was told I’d actually had it my whole life based on testing and had never been evaluated or treated. This would have been the 1990s when this started, and I found out my parents were approached about the possibility I had ADD. I made excellent grades, but had major problems with impulse control and talking too much and paying attention. My parents dismissed this suggestion. They did not--and to this day still did not--believe ADD was a real diagnosis. They said ti was nothing more than kids who needed their asses beat and they’d learn to behave. I could not possibly be one of those hyperactive kids who suck in school and just all-around do poorly. I did too well in school. I was told to pay attention more and stop goofing off. I was threatened with spankings if I messed up. So I worked really hard to stop my impulses from taking over. And I did, some, but not always. I got punished quite a bit for things I did in school. Not on purpose, but it’s how I was. And now, as an adult, I was still struggling with impusle control and with paying attention. I still struggled in prioritizing tasks and organizing things. I could never figure out why my brain wouldn’t let me do those things. My PCP said I had ADD--he KNEW it--but I had to be diagnosed by a licensed psychotherapist. So I went and was diagnosed. And it changed my world. It was a lot to process, knowing what I went through as a kid and knowing the punishment I went through for something that was not my fault. I wasn’t abused, I wasn’t mistreated. If I’d been treated for ADD as a child though, I might not have just done well in school, I might have kicked ass. I might have been valedictorian rather than 6th in class to graduate. That was hard to swallow. Yet a relief at the same time.

3) Went to the sleep clinic and got a take-home sleep apnea study kit. It came back positive for sleep apnea. My oxygen was dropping to 70% at night, which is basically hypoxic, and the reason I’m probably so sleepy all the damn time. As soon as I get home from work and get settled, I fall asleep for at least an hour, maybe 2. I haven’t always done that. I used to have trouble sleeping to the point I needed Lunesta for help (although the taste was so bad I rarely took it).Sure enough, I need CPAP when I sleep to help keep my oxygen over 92%. They told me I’d feel better almost instantly. So I’m hoping to go see them next week about getting my machine. 

4) My friend’s little 4-year-old niece died. She was a special, miracle child who touched so many lives it’s insane. She was a beautiful soul. I never met her but her death affected me profoundly because her aunt posted so many photos and videos online. I felt like I lost one of my godchildren or something. It hurt. I can’t imagine what they are going through.

5) My uncle Jerry died. The day after the little girl I just mentioned. I can’t even attend HIS funeral due to COVID and the risk of contamination. My mom is  on a chemo drug for an autoimmune disease that destroys her immune system. So we’re trapped away from everyone (if I want to see my mom that is). 

6) My last day of my job was today, September 4, 2020. It finally came, my time there is done. 16 months of hard work down the toilet. Because of poor management, shitty leadership, lack of care or respect for employees, etc. I offered to stay, but my offer was rejected as it was given. It just served to remind me I made the right decision, even if it was a bit rash. Several others have quit or gotten fired so staffing will be interesting. My old “charge nurse” is about to learn what getting off your broad butt and helping is all about now. They aren’t sending him ANY nurses to help him next week. I’ll be honest, I hope the whole thing blows up in (insert name here)’s (my director’s) face. she is trying to run the neuro clinic like she runs her other clinic--which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I thought she’d be good for the clinic, turns out she wants to get rikd of EVREYONE who has FMLA-Anyone who has permission to be off work without fear of repercussions. She wants a bunch of “as needed” staff so she doesn’t have to hire full time people, she doesn’t have to pay anyone benefits, and she can get rid of them whenever she likes “your as needed position is no longer needed,” without going through all the bullcrap red tape the state puts you through to fire anyone. Anyway, bottom line, today was my last day at a job that--the job itself--I loved. The patients I loved, the doctors and nurses I loved, and my coworkers I loved. I have never left a job I loved. It was 100% management. My main doctor, the medical director of the service line, did not want me to leave and keeps asking me to say. I had to explain to him I tried, but they refused. Broke my heart. He’d take me back in a minute though, if the situation at the clinic ever changes. I hope it does. He was the most brilliant, kind, generous, respectful, patient, and dedicated man I’ve ever met. He taught me a lot. I’ll take a lot of what I learned from him with me wherever I go.

7) The final thing has not happened just yet, but it will be very soon and I’m already dealing with it. So September 7 is the 1 year anniversary of the death of my best friend. I still miss her like it was yesterday. Time has, as they say, healed some of the wound, but not all. Every now and then I get slammed with the realization she’s gone. I’ll never see her again. Talk to her. Hug her. Laugh with her. Ever. Again. And I cry and suffer with it all over again. That is happening less frequently, but it has picked up again now that 1 year is approaching. I can’t believe it. My best friend has been dead for 1 year. The 1 year anniversary of the last time we spoke was August 20. It hurts so much. But slowly, over this year, I’ve started dreading getting up in the morning a little less, I can breathe again, a little. I can laugh again without feeling guilty about it. I’ve finally hit all the 1 year milestones with her death (well, as of 9/7). I’m going to her grave this weekend to place some special things I purchased in honor of her 1 year anniversary since her passing. Damn I miss her so much.

So, this month--this whole year technically--has been a lot to process. A lot to find out, a lot to digest, and a lot to grieve through. I keep thinking “it can’t possibly get any worse, maybe things will get better now” and it always does. That trend for 2020 doesn’t bode well with the election coming up. That makes me so nervous I feel sick. But I refuse to get political here. If you’ve stayed with it this far, you have tremendous stamina and I salute you. It’s taken me hours and several breaks to write thanks to my ADD and just being sleepy and falling asleep in the middle of typing. But that’s it, my month inside the year straight out of hell. 

[astarlightmonbebe]

☪ ⋆ Table For Two ☪ ⋆

When your friends set you up on a blind date, you’re expecting to hate it, but Han Jisung takes you by surprise.

Word Count: 3.7k

Pairing: Han Jisung x fem!reader

Other members: Hwang Hyunjin and Lee Felix

A/n: this is just a thing that came to mind; hope you all find it cute!

“On a scale of one to ten, how opposed would you be to going on a blind date?” Felix asks, sticking his freckled face right up into yours.

“Firstly, get out of my face.” You say with a look of disgust, slamming your locker shut and throwing your equipment bag over your shoulder. “Secondly, I’m so opposed to that idea that a number one through ten wouldn’t be able to rate how much I’m opposed to it.”

Felix sticks out his tongue at you. “Too bad for you. It’s at seven o’clock tonight, at Scoops For Two, with one of Hyunjin’s elementary school friends. He says he’s super nice, super single, and super cute. Sounds perfect, right?”

“No.” You deadpan, starting to walk towards the double doors. Felix trails after you, chattering away about Hyunjin’s great friend. He’s apparently a musician and he has dyed hair and he talks a lot, so he could totally carry the conversation—you held up a hand right in front of Felix’s mouth, stopping him from saying more.

“Felix, I’m not going on a date with someone Hyunjin set me up with.” You say with an annoyed sigh. Felix’s mouth opens and closes in resemblance with a fish.

“But y/n…” He whines, flinging his arms around your neck and dragging his feet. You try to shove him off to no avail; Felix has all the cling-ability of an octopus, even without little suction cups to keep him in place.

“I’ll pay you.” Felix whispers in your ear. You stop and tilt your head back to look at him. You raise one eyebrow, gesturing for him to continue. “I’m a little broke, but twenty bucks?”

“Yeah, right.” You say with a snort, turning back around.

“Thirty!” Felix bargains. “Come on, mate, I promised Hyunjin that you would definitely be coming.”

“Your mistake.” You reply lightly, pushing through the doors and out into the sunshine.

“Fifty.” Felix says with an air of resignation to him. You spin around, smiling.

“Deal.”

—

Scoops For Two is a popular ice cream shop on the edge of a giant strip mall that’s taken up half of your small town, a small cafe style restaurant best inhabited by high school kids much like yourself. At the moment it’s not occupied by that many people, the dinner rush past, especially for a Tuesday.

You enter it cautiously, tugging at the edges of the dress Hyunjin had stuffed you into. As soon as you had caved in for the blind date, Felix had called Hyunjin and the two of them had promptly taken over your bedroom and executed a mass cleaning as they looked through your closet for appropriate clothes, yelling at you when you tried to interfere, because you apparently ‘had less fashion sense than a human hippo would’—the compliment courtesy of Felix, but seconded by Hyunjin.

It’s not hard to find your blind date: there’s only one single guy sitting at a table for two among the couples scattered across the shop. He looks up at the sound of the bells jangling, eyes alighting on you and—oh, wow—he’s more than just super cute. He’s really cute. No, he’s so handsome it’s making your eyes hurt.

You look away, walking over to him and sitting down across from him. “I’m y/n.” You say, crossing your arms and trying to look as disinterested as possible. “Are you Hyunjin’s friend?”

His eyes fixate on you, a beautiful hazel shade that seem to be kaleidoscoping when you focus on them for too long. His hair is indeed dyed, a violet that is fading into his caramel roots, tousled and messy, falling in front of those eyes when he moves. He has that grunge style you’re kind of into, though you’d rather die than have people find out you have a type. Dressed in a pair of black jeans faded with time and torn with it too, red Doc Martens laced up over his feet, a matching red plaid shirt tied around his waist, his shirt an old Rolling Stones one. You’re not sure if he has the shirt just for the aesthetic or if he really likes them—you won’t judge either way.

Still, his casual style makes you feel extremely dressed up, all cutesy in your little knee length white sundress with the straps that keep sliding off your shoulders. At least you have your combat boots on, the metal buckles catching the light. He’s seen them too, and he’s smiling because of that.

“I like your shoes.” He says.

“Thanks.” You reply. “Name, please?” You’re chewing gum, mint, and you blow a bubble deliberately. He watches it pop, the gum disappearing back into your mouth.

“It’s Jisung. Han Jisung.” He tells you. You like his name, even though you won’t tell him that. It sounds nice. Jisung. Han Jisung. It goes together well too.

“Um, did you eat?” He asks. You nod.

“This is an ice cream shop, dude, not a dinner buffet.” You figure that if you’re as mean as possible, it’ll hurt his feelings and he’ll go away soon. Jisung nods.

“Of course.” He says, more to himself than to you. “So...do you want to go up and order something?” He’s clenching his fingers into fists underneath the table and you realize he’s nervous. Huh.

“Yeah, sure.” You say, rising effortlessly and tugging at the bottom of your dress. It’s a little too short for your comfort, but you managed to slip on spandex shorts underneath in case any mishaps happen.

Jisung follows you up, hanging back. You wonder if you’re intimidating him. Hyunjin had given you strict instructions to seem like the best possible version of yourself, and also to smile lots, because you apparently looked ‘scary’ when you weren’t.

The ice cream is arranged colorfully, labelled on the glass by someone with noticeably messy handwriting. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since you’ve actually had ice cream. Sports keep you busy, and you’re not one for social outings.

“One scoop of mint chocolate chip with hot fudge and whipped cream and a cherry.” Jisung orders beside you, smiling down at the ice cream. You look at him with a raised eyebrow. “What?” He asks, expression souring. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who hates mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

You laugh. “What? No. I just think it’s funny you know exactly what you’re going to order.” Turning to the other worker, you say; “I’d like a scoop of cookie dough with caramel sauce, sprinkles, whipped cream, and a cherry.”

Jisung laughs. “You say that, but you’re exactly the same way.”

“No, I’m simply fast at making decisions. Time doesn’t wait around.” You say back crossly, leaning against the glass and watching the worker drizzle caramel over your ice cream. Jisung leans across from you, smiling again. He never seems to stop smiling. Usually that bothers you, but you like his smile, so you decide to just let him.

“Uhuh.” He says, the grin broad on his face. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.” You scoff at him, then thank the workers as they hand you your ice cream. “I can pay.” Jisung says, reaching into his pocket.

“I’ll pay for myself, thanks very much.” You reply, lifting your chin. Jisung blinks, then slowly puts his wallet away and nods, motioning for you to go first.

As you’re paying, the worker asks you; “First date?” You stop, so that he has to tug the money out of your hand.

“No.” Jisung answers behind you. “Not yet.” You nod along, wondering why you were so caught off guard by the question. It wasn’t like it was anything deep.

The two of you take your ice cream back to that small round table for two, the chair hard against your back. It seems even more awkward than before, so you eat your ice cream in silence, poking your spoon in the whipped cream and watching how it gets stuck. You can feel Jisung looking at you every time you look down, but you don’t comment on it.

“So, Hyunjin says you play hockey.” Jisung finally starts, sitting back. You look back up at him.

“Yeah. Field and ice.” He nods appreciatively.

“That’s so cool. I’m not good at sports at all.” He chatters on. “I make music instead. Do you like music? Sorry, that’s a stupid question, everyone likes music. Well, not everyone. What artists do you like?”

You set your spoon down and sit back. “Hey, Han Jisung.” He blinks at you again, rapidly. “Do you talk a lot when you’re nervous.”

“Uh, no, I, maybe?” He stutters, and you find yourself smiling against your will.

“Forget it, it’s fine. I like producers like CB97 and r&b. I’ll listen to just about anything, though, because you have to have something to occupy your mind with when you work out. What about you?”

“Um, well, like you I’ll listen to anything. I like rap, but also ballads...yeah, I guess you could say my music taste is pretty varied.” He laughs a little, eyes scrunching up, and gosh, that’s kind of adorable, how they become crescents of happiness. You can feel the awkwardness melting away piece by piece, chipped away at with the start of this conversation.

“Hyunjin did mention you’re a musician. Are you like in a band?”

Jisung laughs, covering his mouth when he does. “Not exactly. Mostly I just mess around with like...Soundcloud...I swear I’m not cringey though! There’s just not really other platforms to post stuff on.”

You’re already pulling out your phone as he talks. “What’s your username?”

His eyes widen in surprise. “What? No! You’ll think it’s so bad.”

You hand the phone over to him and he tentatively accepts it. “Username, Han Jisung. Besides, Hyunjin will just tell me if you don’t.” Jisung sighs, accepting the truth of that statement, and passes the phone back to you.

“J.ONE?” You say aloud, tilting your head. He has a lot of music, you discover, as you scroll through it. Like, a lot. Too many to count. “It looks like you’ve been doing this for a while.” You observe.

Jisung gave you a dry look. “I went through a weird emo middle school phase, so please don’t listen to any of my old songs. I’ve been meaning to delete them, but a lot of people have listened to them...and also made fun of them, but that’s not important.”

You frown. “Okay, I promise I won’t listen to your emo phase music, but the rest of it is up for dibs, right?” You grin, and Jisung’s cheeks redden a fraction. He touches them with the backs of his head, looking even more embarassed.

“Whatever you want, y/n.” He finally responds with a sunny smile. “I expect adequate feedback though. I don’t usually give out my music to pretty girls on first meetings.”

“Well, I’m known to be an exception to that rule.” You proclaim airly.

“Wow, confident much?” He asks, but he’s holding back a laugh as he ducks his head.

“Actually, yes.” You answer as seriously as possible, teasing at this point just to see the expression on his face. “No one matches me when it comes to totally unneeded confidence, so don’t think you’ll be able to even come close.”

“I wasn’t even going to try.” Jisung replies, holding his hands up in an I surrender motion.

“Good.” You say, feeling yourself smiling hard, your cheek muscles aching. It’s been a while since you’ve found yourself smiling for so long. This scruffy looking cute boy has somehow managed to quite possibly win a little bit of your heart. Possibly. Only possibly, of course. It’s too scary to admit that completely to yourself.

“Are you finished?” Jisung asks suddenly, noticing your empty ice cream cup. “Because I have something I want to do. Only if you want to, though.”

You are indeed finished, but you look at him suspiciously all the same. “What sort of thing?”

He smiles cheekily at you. “Can it be a surprise? I pinky promise I’m not going to kidnap you.”

You aren’t concerned about that, which is a surprise given your usual skepticism when meeting new people, especially when you’re alone. “I’ll go along with it just this once.” You say as breezily as possible, feeling a faint pinkness rise in your cheeks. Since when did you blush over boys—albeit very cute ones with really nice smiles and Soundclouds?

He pushes open the door, opening up something on his phone, and turns back to you. “Ready?” He asks, hand outstretched towards you. You stare at it, thinking about what it would feel like to hold his hand, and by the time your mind has returned in order for you to think to grab it, its dropped by his side again.

“Wait.” You say, grabbing it. It’s warm and a rough all at once, old callouses healed over, but that doesn’t bother you. Your own hands hold the remnants of what it’s like to clutch a hockey stick year round. Jisung looks startled but in a pleasant way as he leads you down the road, eyes narrowed at his phone screen.

You walk around the corner and down the road before he stops in front of a bike, scanning a QR code to check it out. “Um…” He glances down at the bike, then back at the two of you. You smirk.

“Get on behind me, lover boy.” You state, swinging your leg over the bike. You’re glad you had the foresight to wear those spandex shorts now.

Jisung sputters at the name. “I swear I’m not a player!” He exclaims, sounding so sincere you can’t help but let out a loud laugh, doubling over the handles as your body shakes.

“Chill, dude, it’s just an expression.” You smile from underneath your veil of hair. “I know you’re not a player, Han Jisung, so don’t take offense.”

Jisung runs his fingers through his hair and has the grace to look embarrassed. “Sorry.” He mumbles, and you motion for him to get on behind you. There’s an awkward moment when he has to squeeze himself to fit, knees almost up to his chest. His arms find their way to your waist, wrapping around it tightly, as if he considers you his only lifeline.

“Where are we off to, Han Jisung?” You ask over your shoulder.

“The boardwalk.” He answers, voice muffled by your shoulder, which he’s leaned his head against without asking, hair tickling the back of your neck. It’s almost...nice, how you can feel how he’s so relaxed against you, as if he trusts you. Who trusts strangers they’ve just met? Only Jisung, apparently.

“What’re we doing there?” You ask jokingly, and you can feel him lift his head to look at the back of his head.

“It’s a secret, of course. Now get pedalling.” You roll your eyes, feeling the burn in your muscles as you set off.

“By the way, you need to swear you won’t sue me if you fall off and get a concussion.” You throw over your shoulder.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Jisung replies, sounding sleepy, even though your pedalling is rough and messy and there are lots of cracks in the sidewalk. “Besides, I thought you had more confidence than anyone else in this world. Aren’t you confident you can keep me safe?” His voice is soft around the edges, wrapping around you and curling through your veins, warm and tingly.

“Don’t worry, I don’t want to ruin that pretty face of yours either.” You respond gently, and he settles back against you as you spend the ride in silence.

The sun is dipping down into golden hour and you tilt your face up to it, enjoying the breeze against you, a relief from the hot summer days you’ve all been suffering from lately as school draws to a close. You like this feeling, you decide: a comforting weight at your back and the wind in your face and the sun making everything prettier, knowing you’re not really that alone.

The boardwalk is old and rickety but surrounded by sand and water, the fair still in session with its glittering lights and larger than life ferris wheel. You park right at the entrance, and Jisung untangles himself from you. It feels empty without him there, after a silent bike ride that lasted for at least a good twenty minutes.

“Golden hour looks good on you.” He acknowledges, and you toss your hair, even though you’re blushing from the compliment.

“Of course it does.” He shakes his head, but he likes your confidence and you both know it.

“What are we going to do here?” You ask, but Jisung just grabs your hand away and leads you in, showing off two tickets he must have stashed in one of those pockets that are scattered throughout his outfit.

“First, we get accessories.” He announces, leading you right to a small shop filled with souvenirs. “To get in a carnival mood.” He declares, and you laugh, looking it over. You pick out a headband with cat ears, sticking it on his head.

“If that’s the case, then I think this is the one for you.” You announce, examining him with a laugh. He does look cute in it, but he pouts at you anyways, finding one with devil horns and jamming it on your head.

“If that’s the case, then I think this one suits your personality.” He says, half laughing at you. You look in the mirror. He’s put it on lopsidedly, of course, so you adjust it with some self consciousness.

“What’s after this?” You ask, looking out across the fair. “Please tell me we’re riding the ferris wheel.” Jisung swallows and looks up at it. “Please?” You add, because if you’re here, then you’re going to have your way for at least one ride.

“I wasn’t planning on rides, but for you, I’d do anything.” He pulls a finger heart out of his jacket and you swat his hand away playfully, even though your heart feels like it’s pumping an electric beat inside of your chest, threatening to break free of your rib cage and jump right into Han Jisung’s hands.

The line for the ferris wheel is short, and soon you find yourself crammed side by side with Jisung on it, only a bar in front of you preventing you from falling. Jisung turns his head to watch the ground disappear, then settles back against the seat. His hands are in his lap, too tightly entwined for you to dare reaching over to grab one of them.

“Truthfully, I’m only on this blind date because Felix said he would pay me fifty dollars.” You tell him suddenly, and it’s so sudden that Jisung starts laughing, leaning out over the bar with his eyes bright.

“So I’m only worth fifty dollars to you?” He asks, poking you in the shoulder. You brush his hand away, nose scrunching up.

“That’s not what I said! You didn’t let me finish.” You pout, and he mouths a silent apology and waves for you to continue on. “I’ve actually had a lot of fun, though, especially considering it’s the first blind date I’ve been on. It’s been nice getting to know you, Jisung.”

Jisung smiles softly at that. “Thanks, y/n.” The ferris wheel creaks upward, then jolts to a sudden halt at the top, sending you both forward. The bar bites into your stomach, and you groan.

“Oh, come on. Isn’t it a little cliche to trap couples at the top?!” You yell down to the worker, who doesn’t seem to hear you as they fiddle with the buttons. You sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Wow...we’re really high up.” Jisung notes, his voice coming out shaky. You look over at him and see that your date for the night is looking unusually out of sorts.

“What’s wrong?” You ask in concern.

“Since we’re admitting things tonight, it might be a good time to say that I have a very big fear of heights.” Jisung says flatly, craning his neck to look at the frothing ocean only a drop away. “I don’t suppose you have any good distractions for that, do you? Because I can tell you right now just talking to me will not help in the slightest.”

An idea is formulating in your brain, and you smile. “I do, actually. Look me in the eyes.” He does, turning his head, his eyes colorful orbs with the reflection of the ferris wheel lights in them, hair blowing in the wind.

“What are you doing?” He whispers as you stare up at him, concentrating. You hold up one finger to your lips, making him go quiet. He stares down at you and you gaze up at him, everything going quiet except for your breathing.

Slowly, carefully, you reach up. His eyes track your hand as it traces over his shoulder and around to rest against his neck, pulling him down closer. You can tell he has more to ask, but you suck in a breath and pull his face down towards yours, lips connecting.

It’s brief, two pairs of lips brushing against each other, but it makes you feel things you’ve never felt. Han Jisung’s lips are soft and warm, and his mouth parts against yours in a silent exclamation as you deepen the kiss, hand furled into the collar of his shirt.

The ferris wheel jolts back to life, startling the two of you apart. Jisung is staring at you, chest rising and falling, and you smile at him, feeling shy.

“Did that distract you enough?” You ask innocently, and Jisung blinks several times in rapid succession, then nods slowly. He’s tilting his head, looking at you in a different light, and you wait patiently.

“No wonder you have so much confidence.” He finally murmurs. “You’re freaking beautiful.”

And when Han Jisung kisses you for a second time, you think he’s worth more than money could offer. Up among these clouds, surrounded by light, the water washing up against the shore steadily, you think that he’s quite possibly the best person you’ve ever met.

End.

[bachlivesbitch]

I know this is crazy but do the whole Avatar themed asks 😅 Thanks! 😂👍

It’s your longread! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

• Panda Lily: is there a plant that makes you smile? What is it?

I generally like plants and many of them make me smile, but I really do like cedar trees.

• Turtleduck: what avatar animal hybrid would you most want to raise?

K O A L A  S H E E P

• The Jasmine dragon: How do you drink your tea?

Usually hot, usually without sugar or milk, but I lean to coffee more

• Wan Shi Tong's library: what's the most recent book you've read?

An archiving book - if you’re dying for the title it’s in my answer to @sukigaang

• The swamp: do you have a good sense of direction?

YES. I’m basically like the magic Google Maps car - if I go somewhere, I generally never forget how to get there. It’s not that I never get lost, but after I do, I’m typically pretty familiar with an area. I also tend to have anywhere between 2-5 ways to get anywhere in the Seattle Metropolitan Area so if you get lost here gimme a shout

• Chi blocking: what are 3 things you feel confident in about yourself?

1) My organ playing (it’s not the best but like...I went to school for it)

2) My sense of social justice - again, not perfect, but Katara in The Painted Lady is how I tend to go through my life

3) My sense of humor - or what others perceive as it. I don’t crack jokes a ton, per se, but it doesn’t take too much for me to make someone laugh. (When I was a baby, apparently I would laugh myself to sleep if I hadn’t laughed that much during the day, so that’s probably something.)

• The sun warriors: what first got you into your main passion?

A very dated and pretty LOthefuckL recording of selections of Handel’s Messiah (where the Hallelujah Chorus comes from) - would listen to it over and over again and suddenly I could play lots of instruments. Incidentally, it took several more years before I learned how to sing correctly (in a western classical sense).

• Ba sing se: do you like the excitement of a big city, or prefer the quite vibe of a small town?

Middle. I really never liked New York City, for example - it’s cool, it has a LOT of great people, but it’s overwhelming. On the other hand, when I would be up there a lot, I lived in Princeton, NJ, which is quite small and it was pretty boring. Probably why I moved back to Seattle after school (although Seattle has grown a TON over the past ten years - but I know my way around and have several haunts, so that helps).

• The Dai Li: are you good at convincing, or being convinced?

I’m pretty good at convincing, although it’s taken me many years to learn how to do so without being or coming off as straight up manipulative. I also try hard not to cling TOO much to an ideal and do my best to listen to all viewpoints to modify accordingly.

Major exception is with, like, white supremacists and the like. I already know your life view is unfounded and crap and that you’re afraid to reach out to people not like you and that’s not an excuse, that’s just fucking stupid (but if you make a *real* effort to amend your ways, that’s very difficult and welcome back to the...well, the right side of history)

• White dragon bush: do you have a curious spirit of a careful one?

Generally curious, particularly if I think someone needs help 

• Earth rumble VI: do you remember feeling empowered?

Yes. When I was 16 I stood up in front of a congregation of people and told the head priest at the time that I knew he was hiding stuff from us and that he wouldn’t get away with it. He resigned within the year.

That wasn’t the only time, but since then I’ve learned how to surround myself with people who help me feel empowered and who I can (hopefully!) also help feel empowered

• Badgermole: what is your most heightened sense?

Hearing/aural. I am okay at imitating speech patterns as a result.

• The scroll: do you prefer to have a teacher to teach you, or learn on your own?

I’d rather have a teacher - even when I learn something on my own, I tend to find someone who knows what they’re doing.

• Ran and Shaw: who is someone you look up to?

Many, but the person who came immediately to mind is the lady I sit/sing/scream next to in [church] choir. She’s wonderful - and was in the second undergraduate class ever to accept women at Yale. Very much like another mother to me, and I would have NEVER thought in a million years 15 years ago that we’d end up being good friends to boot.

• Ember island: is there any place that evokes nostalgia in you?

I’m sure there is, but I can’t immediately come up with anything that seems to match this question for me. I can think of a couple places I don’t live that feel like home though, and that’s probably the closest.

(two that come to mind in THAT category are the Hilo, HI airport - it’s delightful and small, and usually heralded a visit to my grandma before she died, and my undergraduate school.)

[pendulum-sonata]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Kiryuu Nanami, Shinohara Wakaba Additional Tags: Character Study, Post-Canon, Introspection, Memory Alteration, Repressed Memories, Utena Future Zine, This is basically my take, on how Nanami's life would have been, after graduating Ohtori, I swear I love Nanami, I'm not trying to make her suffer, Just for the hell of it, Sexual Harassment Summary:

The outside world has left Nanami en enbittered woman, down on her luck and with little hope. A chance encounter with an old classmate helps her get back on her feet.

This is my work for the @utenafuturezine Now available for download here!

‘I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to get up, I don’t…’

But the music on the radio got louder and louder and she knew the moment the annoying voice of the conductor came in she would be unable to go back to sleep, what time was it anyway? Without removing the covers her hand fished for her cellphone.

7:05 am.

She had an interview at 9:00 am.

‘Uugh... I will count until ten, and then I’ll wake up...”

One, two, three, four...

“Damn it!” Nanami kicked the bed covers and got up, feeling her messy hair falling around her shoulders, she had to blink a few times and scroll down her phone to finally wake up and start for the day.

There, perched on the bathroom room were the clothes she prepared for today, somehow... they looked better last night, she didn’t like how the dark blue looked a little too ...dark, as if she was going to a funeral rather than (hopefully) to work.

She didn’t have time to go through her clothes again.

That was what she kept telling herself as she opened her closet, pulling out shirts and pants... or maybe a skirt would do? Nanami shook her head, skirts made you look juvenile and they were not professional; but none of the combinations made her feel satisfied.

But then a pale yellow shirt from way below all her stuff peeked at her, in her mind she already knew the color would be perfect; even though it was obvious the shirt was old for her not to remember when she bought it, it didn’t look worn off, the color wasn’t too vibrant that it stung your eye, in fact it was the perfect shade to compliment her hair...

Of course the universe loved to bait her, because when she lifted it to her eyes there it was:  the garish logo of a restaurant, the one where she had first worked as a waitress for almost a year.

‘Why do I even still have this?’ She wondered and for a full minute she could only remember the embarrassment of it, all the shifts, the rude and lechery customers and the miserable pay... when she opened her eyes the shirt was crumpled in her hands with such force that it felt like she could have teared it apart piece by piece...

She couldn’t afford to throw away a perfectly good shirt though.

And with the perfect accessories, vest and jacket, nobody would be able to look at the logo in the shirt (Why did it have to be printed? if it only was sewn in...).

Nanami resigned herself and went to make herself a quick breakfast, a quick make over, a quick hairdo and quickly started to gather everything she would need; train ticket? Check, money? Check, keys? Check, phone? Check!

‘Best of luck to myself!’

ᴥ

“Watch were you’re going!” She got up to her feet before anyone noticed she had fallen, wincing when she felt a pang in her knee.

Fortunately her pants had not sustained any damage or stain, but she still looked around, ready to yell at the guilty person who crashed into her-

“Oh god! I’m so sorry! Are you alright?” The woman in question didn’t seem to notice how angry Nanami was, there was nothing remarkable about her: medium height, brown hair and average complexion, the most noteworthy thing about her was her shrilling voice that made her want to get away as soon as possible.

Nanami was not in the mood for this. She tried to walk past her, but the woman quickly stood on her way.

“Move! I’m gonna lose my train or do you want me to be late too?” She practically growled.

“Oh, sorry you’re right! Let me pay you for a cab then!” The woman said again and when Nanami saw her reach for her purse she lost it.

“Who the hell do you think I am!? I don’t need for your charity!” Once she said this, Nanami stormed out without even waiting for an answer, she didn’t need to arrive in a cab, she didn’t want to, and she most definitely didn’t want to own some random woman in the street a favor so she just kept walking to her station.

Dread filled her every time she saw the train cart full of people almost squished against the windows, when some people came out of she realized that she needed to be quick, otherwise she would have to take the next train, she was quick to walk past all the people next to her and secure her place.

Commuting using the train was a living nightmare.

Unfortunately it was also the cheapest and faster, so it wasn’t like she had lots of options, meaning that here she was, squished between dozens upon dozens of employees, both men and women, she looked with envy to the ones that wore their casual clothes and comfortable shoes, no, not because they have super nice clothes – they were all cheap common clothes anyway – but because it meant that they already had a job and their office uniform waiting for them.

She teared her eyes away from the sight, her station was the last one in the route anyway so by the time she made it, and the train would most likely be empty anyway.

ᴥ

It was packed.

The place where they would all be waiting for their interviews was packed, and she hated herself for admitting this – only in her thoughts, never out loud – but they all resembled her: wearing their best clothes, their hair done modestly but still professional...

She didn’t want to think about it anymore and just walked to the receptionist, gave her name and her papers and sat, far away from the other girls chatting away in purpose.

It was a long time, or at least it felt like a really long time, even the games and apps she had in her phone didn’t do much to distract her, her shoes tapped fast onto the floors and looked around the place looking for something, anything to focus on that wasn’t the clock on the wall, but there was nothing.

“Kiryuu Nanami?” She perked up immediately when she heard her name and entered the office the lady at the desk signaled for.

Inside there was an old man, his wrinkles and glasses made Nanami think vaguely of a grandpa, but she already knew companies put their best ‘face’ for these things, so she had to be careful with what she said.

“Miss Kiryuu? Please take a seat?” Ugh, even his voice sounded gentle and soft, no doubt this guy was a professional.

“Pleased to meet you.” Nanami put on her best smile and used her perfect posture – one that allowed her to make use of her best assets without looking unprofessional – and answered his questions, most of them were the usual:  her age, experience, career, how did she find out about the position, etc.

“Excellent Miss, now, everything seems to be in order, but may I ask when can we expect your family registry? It’s not an optional requisite.”

And just like that Nanami knew it was a lost cause.

ᴥ

It was just another day; tomorrow would be another.

Nanami put these words on repeat while she waited for the train back home, but the fact that she had lost not just the morning but the entire day in that office and that she was starting to see a lot of people who were coming back from work didn’t really help her mood, so she got ready to squish herself once more for the sake of arriving to her apartment and forget this entire day had happened.

Once inside the train, trapped between a woman who had her case in front of her which dug painfully into her shoulder and a guy whose breaths were hitting her right in the face, the world decided once more play her for a fool.

Because she felt a hand –  a grown man’s hand – going from her back then to her butt.

For a full minute her mind went blank because she couldn’t believe on top of everything this had happened to her now, the moment it finally dawned on her what was happened she tried to squirm to get away from the groping but it only resulted on the people throwing dirty looks at her, and her arms were now twisted in weird angle that would probably result on more pain later on.

She was trapped.

During the entire trip until the next station she tried to think of the things she needed to buy for the week, tried to make the budget too, tried to remember the lyrics of that one song in the radio she really liked it, anything to not think about the hand on her.

‘Only a bit more Nanami, only a little more, hang in there, then you can unleash all your fury onto them and…’

*ARRIVING TO THE STATION, PLESE CLEAR UP THE ENTRANCE.*

What?!

The thought got stuck on her head when she was almost barreled by a group of people all hurrying past here, she was sure she might have given a few turns in between people and maybe earned a couple of bruises from the things people were carrying and scrapping her in the meantime.

After she was able to focus again she realized the car was almost empty again except for a couple of old ladies.

“You got to be kidding me!” Her heels stomped on the floor and she stormed out of the cart, maybe if she hurried she would be able to-

Nothing, there were too many people on the platform and most of them were dressed the same.

“You pervert!!!” The yelling doesn’t come from her but from behind her where a security guard is standing in front of a woman and another man who looks like wants to get away, especially because the yelling starts to attract attention from everyone else.

He can’t of course because a lithe as looks the woman has an iron grip on his wrist, when she tries to get close, she can see the guard is not taking seriously anything the woman says, if anything he looks bored and other people are doing nothing but whisper around them.

“I know what I saw!!” The woman suddenly looks around her and fixes her eyes on Nanami and she just froze in place. “Nanami you tell them! He groped you! I saw him!!”

It’s in that moment that she realizes is the same woman from this morning, the one who made her trip and apparently decided she looked pitiful enough to offer her a ride! Nanami had half her mind to disagree with her – she still felt her teeth grind at the thought – and embarrass her, but when she looked at the guy who was doing his best to look as if he was completely innocent.

She had no way of knowing if had been the pervert who grabbed her butt, it had been impossible for her to see anything about the man, but the shifty way he looked when Nanami tried to look into his eyes made her realize that even if he didn’t grab her, he had definitely done that to someone else.

Or maybe not, in true Nanami was just tired of being a cosmic plaything for the day, let someone else take the brunt for her.

So, she summoned her best laugh and pointed at the man with all her might.

“You pervert!” She yelled. “You took advantage of me! I could see your dirty face when you grabbed me! In. my. Ass. And now you’re trying to get away with it!! Like hell I will let you do it!” She grabbed her phone and snapped a shot from the guy, who was now so scared that he looked blue in the face. “And you!” She pointed to the guard now who flinched when she pointed at him. “Isn’t your job to attend to all security matters in the platform? Aren’t you supposed to make people feel safe? Well, I can tell I didn’t feel safe, I’m disgusted by this man, but I’m more disgusted by you! Who don’t even bother to take their job seriously and allow scum like him to get away with things?” She snapped another shot of him, making sure his plaque and name were visible on her picture – she knew the camera with 10 megapixels had been worth it – and she showed it to him. “Just so you know if you don’t process this complain, I’m not gonna bother with your bosses, I’m going to post these on the internet and you will be ruined along with these man’s reputation!”

“Well, you heard her? Is that what you want?” The woman who had been looking shocked while she was yelling was now standing next to her looking proud. “You know nowadays, news fly right?”

Both men shared a dismayed look specially when other people were pulling out their phones too, some of them taking pictures others were probably tweeting about it and the guard finally escorted Nanami to his office.

ᴥ

After filling out some papers and giving out her information, and also gotten the information from the man, who had to be detained until actual police arrive from the looks of it, she excused herself, she didn’t want to make more of a deal than it already was, and at the very least she still had the pictures in case she found the same idiot again.

Nanami doubted anything would come out of the whole thing, but at the very least it had improved her mood a lot.

“That was so cool Nanami!” She almost screeched when she chirpy voice of the same woman caught her off guard. “I can’t believe what you actually threatened that guy!”

Wait… how did this broad even knew her name, even before when she called it, Nanami had been a little to swept into getting some well-deserved retribution to think about it too hard, but she had no idea who this woman was, she knew her name and this was the second time in a row that she conveniently found her…

Oh dear, was she dealing with a stalker?

“I can’t believe I found you here! It’s been so long since we were both in Ohtori Academy right?”

Or maybe not… was she a classmate? She looked around the same age as her, although it was hard to tell, she couldn’t have been one of her friends or popular people because she was sure she would remember that, but she was talking to her so casually, there was no other alternative.

“Y-yes! I suppose it has!” And she didn’t feel like making a fool out of herself for a second time in a single day.

“We have so much to catch up to! Oh, I know!” How could a grown woman look this excited and skip like that and not break her heel? It was a mystery for her. “Let’s have dinner together!”

In any other time Nanami would have been freaked out about having someone’s face so close to hers, but this time she took the chance to get a good look at her, to see if any feature struck a chord with her.

…Nothing, just like this morning her appearance was completely normal and that meant completely unremarkable and forgettable too. She did have a very large forehead though, still, she had her hair styled in a way that it complemented her features rather than call attention to it, Nanami would give her that much.

“Dinner? Uh…” She was actually very hungry, because she had spent the entire day at the office waiting for her interview, Nanami had not gotten any lunch, breakfast had been her only meal… but it’s already the second half of the month and she can’t afford to eat out, she has a bunch of cup ramen waiting for her at theapartment. “I don’t know, it’s pretty late and…”

“Oh come on!” The woman took her hand this time and got the most ridiculous face on her, teary eyes and pouting almost resembling a puppy. “I’m inviting you so dinner it’s on me!”

From all the things that could bait her, those were the ones she couldn’t refute.

And her belly decided to answer in her place.

ᴥ

She didn’t have a bad taste in restaurants, Nanami decided.

Even if it wasn’t anything too fancy – and really those types of restaurants where for romantic dates, not for friendly outings – the place had a warm and welcoming atmosphere, it also had the added bonus of having booths so they could have some privacy even if they were only two people, and the food smelled delicious, she hadn’t had lots of filling meals in a while now.

It was funny really, years ago she wouldn’t have even thought about putting a foot inside one of these… family restaurants.

Once they were seated and the waitress gave them a couple of menus, the woman kept chatting about their days back at school and despite herself Nanami tried not to let the guilt gnaw at her gut, because she really couldn’t be making out stuff on the spot and the fact she was buying her a meal… people did not do that for strangers they met for five minutes during middle school.

“…Anyway, that was quite a graduation ceremony! Some of my college buddies still tell the story whenever we get together and I think from that moment on, the rules on formal clothing were much more specific!” She laughed when she finished saying this and Nanami tried not to make herself sound too fake, lost in her musing she had not heard a word of what she said.

The waitress bringing them their drinks bought her some time.

“That sounds like quite a story, mmmh, how about in middle school though? We had some pretty weird stories right?” That’s right maybe if she shared a story she might remember! Or at least pretend until the food came and the bill was paid.

The woman looked like she was thinking for a long moment, she looked straight at her, not a hard stare or judging in anyway, but Nanami still felt as if she was being examined.

“Say…” She paused to take a sip of her drink.  “…you don’t really know who I am right?”

Time stopped and it was hard to breath because she was busy sputtering the water, her nose burned because she had asked it to be ice cold and godammit, this woman did it on purpose because this was the most ridiculous thing that could happen to her. She also felt someone patting her back and putting a napkin close to her mouth.

“Wakaba, what happened?” It was probably the waitress.

“Sorry, sorry, that was my fault.”

Wakaba…

‘Utena, aren’t you going to give a present to your best friend in the entire world?’

Who was the person who kept saying that? In her mind Nanami saw a girl, she couldn’t see her face clearly, the only thing she remembered was that she was a tomboy, countless of memories of this girl playing rowdy sports, wearing boy’s clothes, talking like a boy and with overall unladylike manners, the girl annoys her to no end, of that she is sure because she feels a vein in her head throb at the mere sight of her. There is also another girl, this one doesn’t annoy her, she wishes she would only annoy her, but no, the knot on her stomach and the chills running down her back whenever that girl was concerned were real and always made her feel like she entered a lion’s den.

Next to her, the tomboy girl’s oddness was welcome.

And of course she thinks she remembers another girl, she’s always there too, always following the other two around as if she was a puppy, she’s not annoying or scary like the them, she doesn’t remember anything about her, only her trailing behind the other two girls.

“Nanami? Are you alright? Can you see me? How many fingers am I holding?”

“I’m fine!!!” She yelled to whoever was holding three fingers right into her face, of course that attracted the attention of the other customers and Nanami wished she could sink into her seat.

“Sorry, you weren’t reacting and I was afraid you had choked or something.” She sounded genuinely sorry and that alone made her back down, also because she still felt her throat sore.

“I’m sorry Miss, was the water too cold? I can bring you more.” The waitress while weel-intentioned, looked less concerned for Nanami and more for being written up by her manager.

She couldn’t say she blamed her.

“Another glass is fine, thank you.”

“Right away Miss, oh Wakaba are you on shift tonight?” The waitress was talking to Wakaba now.

“No, I asked the day off.” Said Wakaba denying with her head.

The fell into an awkward silence after that, how could they not? How was she supposed to talk to her now that she outed herself as not really knowing her? They didn’t have any shared interest or hobbies and didn’t even seem to frequent the same circles as to ask about that either.

Then again it wasn’t like Nanami had kept in touch with her old classmates.

“So… you work here?” She has no trouble picturing Wakaba in the role of a waitress, she was tact, patient and give off was friendly enough to make small talk to customers, all things she herself absolutely failed at. “You don’t look like one to work on night shift though.”

She realized too soon that she had spoked the last thing out loud, Wakaba seemed to realize too and giggled a little.

“All my shifts are at night Nanami, I’m a bartender.” She pointed to the bar where right now there was another older guy mixing and serving drinks. “Mr. Kobayashi is going to retire soon, and he’s teaching me all he knows before that, so I guess you could say I’m like an apprentice.”

Nanami didn’t even knew women were permitted to become bartenders and she stopped herself right in time, that would have probably been rude and she had already called her a goody-two-shoes before, but what did she even knew about Wakaba to know if this was expected from her? She didn’t even remember her 5 minutes ago and what she remembered was so small that she could laugh at herself.

“So, Nanami what have you been up to? I noticed this morning that you were going to the corporate district.” Wakaba’s enthusiasm and self-contented smile was contagious and she found herself smiling too, wishing to have something exciting to share, something worth of her attention.

‘Not much, I was going to an interview, after finishing college, a gig as an intern I have been between jobs for the past year.’ Hmph, didn’t that sound pathetic?

While she thought about this, the waitress had finally brought their food, but Nanami had lost her apetite.

“Sorry, sorry, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” Wakaba apologized, even thought she was only making small talk, she was definitely nicer than herself. “I can only imagine how it has been for you and your brother.”

If a bull had entered the restaurant, trashed everything around just to take Nanami on its back to a faraway island, she would feel less shocked than she felt now and of course the shock gave way to embarrassment, the way Wakaba used her hand to cover half of her face was enough confirmation that she knew and that she was aware that she wasn’t supposed to know.

Ugh, her day couldn’t possibly suck anymore so she may as well get on with it.

“What else there is to say? That as it turned out neither me or Touga were our parents’ real children?” Back in school Nanami had thought that was the worst thing that had happened her, now she wished that was the only secret. “And not only that, we weren’t actually adopted, we were bought off, kept and groomed only to fulfill their wishes and ambitions, and that when Touga and I refused to do what they demanded from us – I was eighteen when they wanted me married off to a business partner who was old enough to be my grandfather – we were thrown out from the house and disowned?” Disown was such a proper word because they had been nothing but property to these people. “So go ahead and pity me, laugh in my face like I did to you and your friends so long ago.”

Nanami doesn’t want to look up to see Wakaba’s eyes, filling with disdain or pity.

“I… don’t want to do that.” Is the only thing Wakaba said, “I just thought I could cheer you up because you look so… tired”

Tired? Yes, that was the perfect word to describe how she had been feeling for quite a while now, not physically tired, but mentally and emotionally tired and done with everything around her.

“Do you ever wish things would have gone different? To just… give in to what people wanted from you?” It was a good question one that she herself had asked herself many times.

“There are… many things that I regret, sometimes I like telling to myself that if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would do things different, better…” What she kept to herself though, was that another part of her knew she wouldn't do anything to change. “… And I do wish someone would have told me how hard it was to simply live by, how expensive it is, how many basic skills you need and I never learned until I had no one to lean onto than my equally incompetent brother.” There had been many times when she had become tempted to run back and beg for forgiveness and promise to be a good girl this time but… “No, I still wouldn’t do it.”

How could she? After a particularly nasty fight with Touga about it which had led to a very unceremonious reveal of what exactly their so-called parents had ‘requested’ from him, what they had took from him right under her nose.

“How do you know?” Nanami asked, she knew that it couldn't be Touga, he had nothing to gain from a girl like Wakaba.

“I don’t know if I should tell you, you would probably go hunt him down.” Wakaba laughed a little but it was obvious she wasn’t entirely kidding on the last sentence.

And there was only another person close enough to either of them to know the full story, and yes, Nanami could feel her fists balling at her sides and her mind was relishing into some payback fantasies.

“Idiot, as if I have time to waste on doing any of that.” After all, she knew he and Touga were still in contact, if she had wanted she would have no troubles contacting him, he had been the first one to reach out to them and had acted so sickly concerned that it was disgusting, her bruised pride had not let her think anything else back then.

“You know? At first I thought that you had not changed at all, but that was silly of me to think right? Everyone changes, you, your brother, even Saionji.” The blush that crept to Nanami’s face was not unwelcomed, it made her feel giddy even.

“I guess…” She picked the fork and started to play a little with her food, not knowing what to say in exchange, she had no frame of reference to know if Wakaba had changed… she did remember one thing though. “Well, feel proud of yourself, without his annoying fanclub around, you can finally have Saionli for yourself right?”

After all, if he had confided Wakaba with such sensitive information that meant they were in more than just speaking terms.

She didn’t expect the laughter that came from Wakaba.

“Oh I hardly doubt it, I’m not his type, and he’s no longer mine either.” Had that been because they both changed or because now adulthood gave them new perspectives, more options?   “You know?” She doubted for a second and her voice got quitter. “Back then, he practically begged me to talk to the manager about getting you a job.”

That was when Nanami finally noticed the name of the place on the cups and the napkins: it was the same name as the place she started her life as a working girl, the same name printed on the shirt she had so carefully hidden.

“Is not the same, I doubt your memory is that bad.” She laughed again. “the owner has a couple places all over the city and the prefecture….”

The only reason Nanami is not banging her head against the table is because she wants to think she still has a minimum of manners, she just started eating her meal, which had already gotten cold, but beggars can’t be choosers, they both ate in silence for quite a while, the only sounds coming from them were the cutlery scrapping against the plates.

“Hey Nanami…” Wakaba started. “You think we could hang out again? It’s nice to have someone from school to talk to.” She was smiling again, and Nanami could now see why people – even people like Saoinji – wanted to keep talking to her: it was easy, she didn’t have any grandiose expectations of people or even herself and life, it was… normal, comfortable.

“I… guess I can make a place on my schedule.” She exchanged phones with her without many words, and when she checked it, she couldn’t help notice there was another number she added.

“I don’t want to meddle, but maybe you too could call Saionji every once in a while?” Wakaba didn’t say that he too worried about her, but the sentiment was there nonetheless.

Nanami didn’t know what to say, all this new information didn’t let her think clearly and now she felt like she really had to re-acquaintance herself with the guy, only to see if he really was not an idiot anymore.

“Maybe.” She immediately took another bite, she had a lot of things to think about.

[yerbamansa]

I have some stuff to say that maybe no one really needs to hear, but I feel like I need to write it. Putting it under a cut so no one feels obligated to scroll forever past my ramblings.

So, like, I've been a pretty lonely kinda person my whole life. Most of the time when I had a "best friend" it was either one-sided ("you're my best friend / and i know i'm not yours...") or we were ONLY friends with each other. There was one year in grade school I spent every recess wandering around the schoolyard reciting the movie The Little Mermaid to myself. Like... yeah.

Sometimes this was fine. I mean, I still consider my best friend from high school extended family. I'm not trying to say this was necessarily traumatic, just my reality. I didn't have a lot of friends. I didn't know how to relate to most people. And if I think too hard about it, I often felt like the sidekick to much cooler (or at least more 'mature') girls.

College was the first time I had a real group of friends. We hung out! We were different but we got along! We squabbled and we hosted parties and we played Nintendo and watched movies together. I literally never knew what that was like before, and it was awesome, and I am still, 15 goddamn years later, resigning myself to the fact that I'm probably never going to feel like that again. For logistical reasons, it's implausible to re-create that college experience as a grown-ass person, and the alternative means of Building A Friend Group sound exhausting.

I'm getting away from my point a bit. I did have a point.

Along with all this solitariness, I have also found it impossible to define myself by what I am. I'm good at what I'm not. I'm not a lot of things. I'm not for most people. I'm not...not OK with that, mostly. I know how to just be myself, and that’s usually perfectly fine, depression brain notwithstanding.

Life doesn't always come at you fast. Sometimes life comes at you real fuckin slow.

In college, I started a relationship with the dude I've been with ever since. We were friends first. He's a weirdo. I'm a weirdo. He's a loner. I'm a loner. We make each other laugh. He loves me. I love him. We've been through some shit. We're still going through some shit. Life is full of shit. Anyway, I've been in a relationship with a cishet dude my entire adult life. Before him, there were a couple other dudes. Before that, I was scared I'd never be into dudes, and didn't get my friends who were.

I didn't...I didn't really question that path.

I just spent my adult years developing as a person, in a relationship. I honestly don't know who I am without this relationship. I mean, I guess that's what family is, right? Family and stability.

Stability is good. But stability is also a facade. I mentioned some shit? The last 3 or 4 years, lotta shit. Not, like, breakup shit (well ok actually once almost), just really difficult life stuff on both sides. I have no intention of blowing that up. However. In between that difficult life stuff, I've had a lot of thoughts and realizations and contemplative moments, sparked in part by consuming a shit-ton of CONTENT I didn't necessarily have the time or mental energy to enjoy the same way before. Or, like, seeking out greater diversity in what I take in. Or something. Setbacks will get you to question everything, including what you put in front of your face.

A surprising-to-me conclusion I arrived at is that, despite how many years? of being Very Obviously A Feminine Person In The World, In A Relationship With A Man, I am...not really entirely straight? and maybe not really totally a woman either?

There I go again, defining myself as what I'm not.

I haven't settled on labels. I might not ever. Right now, I'm just grateful to know about the diversity of labels and experiences that fucking exist, and the people who talk about them, and that there might be room for a interloper like me under that umbrella. Like, so fucking much gratitude and love. More than I know how to express. More than I feel comfortable sharing but fuck, if you read this far, I hope you know I appreciate you.

The only person in my (in the flesh) life I've talked to about this is my boyfriend. And he loves and accepts me. It’s just a whole lot of “OHHHHHH” happening in my head.

Beyond that, just gotta keep going. Whatever direction I'm headed.

And I hope I can be there for someone else, too. I'm lonely, and tired, not selfish.

[savantisms-blog]

ooc ;

     i’m online & will be getting to my inbox and then replies. but first, i got my jacket for my will cosplay today and i wanna talk about it because i have nowhere else to sooooo it’s going under a cut so that those who don’t care can just scroll on past. neat!

so con season is coming up here in vegas and because i love to dance on the edge of heatstroke i decided to cosplay our boy will who lives in a much cooler climate.

so im gonna ramble about costuming for a bit here because i find this shit fun as hell. 

the most important thing about the cosplay to me was will’s jacket, so i grabbed a few references of what i’d consider his most recognizable jackets.

the gray/black/blue/???? jacket is a modified and/or vintage m-65 jacket. i used to own one of these for my apocalypse dean winchester cosplay. it was vintage and in fantastic condition. i ended up using it as a winter jacket in ny and sadly when i lost my place in ny i lost this jacket also. that SUCKS for a lot of reasons, mostly because it looks a lot closer to what will is wearing, just a different color.

now it’s also well known that will’s green jacket is an american eagle jacket. they don’t sell it anymore, i can’t find it on ebay, and honestly fuck american eagle.

the third photo... i have no fucking clue honestly. it’s probably another vintage military jacket. 

i had to resign myself to the fact that i wasn’t going to get the exact jacket, and the closest thing i could get would be the m-65. so i went to the military surplus today with my dad (he’s my source for identifying military stuff and weapons when putting together cosplays or photoshoots) and the owner had three of these m-65s left. they are new, manufactured by a new company i’ve never heard of. the black was too dark to match the one will wears and i didn’t want to risk ruining it by dyeing it, so i decided i’d combine elements of each of the three jackets i was looking at, and i got the green one.

it’s a little big, but that’s how i want it. the jacket also came with an optional liner (and i would fuckinG DIE IF I WORE THAT PART DURING THE SUMMER). plus i can only bind for a bit at a time so when i need to hide my chesticles, the big jacket will help conceal don’t feel them

i just need to distress it a bit and break it in and it’ll be good. up next for the cosplay i’ll be picking out a flower crown, because while not canon it’s an iconic part of the cosplay in my mind.

anyway, if you read this i hope u had a good time. and remember: it’s canon will graham shops at fucking american eagle. fucking mallrat gemini bitch.

[nerdy-nonbinary]

Carry That Weight

The hardest part, she soon realized, was finding the moment to say it. It wasn’t like she and Midoriya were close or anything, though they weren’t strangers like they had been before. But he had his friends, and she had hers, and even in the occasional moments they’d had together alone, it’s not like she could just say, “Hey, can I talk to you about my gender problems?”

Jirou’s brain has been abuzz constantly since that day. Sure, she had heard of being transgender before, but it always seemed so distant from her own reality. And yes, she had always hated her chest a bit more than what seemed to be normal, but she’d always brushed it aside, chalking it up to jealousy over other girls for her small chest. It also explained why she stared at the girls in her middle school too much. It was just jealousy, right?

Looking back, she felt so stupid at how long it took her to realize she was gay. She wore her lesbian identity with pride now, especially with the purple pervert out of the way. She had everything she’d wanted in middle school. Accepting friends, a massive crush on a certain class rep that may or may not be requited, and a place where, if that crush ever went anywhere, she wouldn’t have to live in fear. She thought she’d be happy.

But there was a tiny itch in the back of her brain, one that latched on and refused to let go. Some days, it was barely there, and she thought she was finally past the confusion that had set in, but other days, every “she” and “girls” and brush of her uniform against her knees left her screaming in her head, and she was almost certain she was developing insomnia with the way she put off going back to the girls’ dorm some nights.

Tonight was one of those nights. She had resigned herself to another day of coffee-powered torture, and plugged herself into her phone, hoping some music would calm her nerves enough to let her zone out. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it), she wasn’t alone that sleepless night.

Midoriya was sitting inches from the TV, notebook in hand, furiously writing notes on a hero who had made their debut that day. Their power was something having to do with sand. Turning into it? Controlling it? She hadn’t been paying attention, but she heard Midoriya’s pencil furiously scratching down notes, determined to put all his thoughts on the paper. She realized he had been sitting there for several minutes, unmoving except for his hand and the occasional glance at the screen. It was a bit unnerving, honestly.

“Might want to get back a bit. Sitting too close can hurt your eyes, you know,” She called out.

Midoriya shouted, leaping back from his spot at the TV. “AH! Oh, uh, hey, Jirou. Sorry, kinda forgot there was someone else here.”

“It got you away from the TV, at least.” She absentmindedly patted the couch next to her. “Want a seat? It’s probably more comfortable than the floor.”

“Oh, yeah, thanks.” Midoriya sat next to her, and she could feel his anxiety shooting through the air.

“Dude, you don’t have to be so nervous. It’s just a couch, it’s not gonna bite you.”

“Ha ha, yeah,” he laughed halfheartedly, but she could tell there was something else he wanted to say. “Say, Jirou, could I ask you something?”

She panicked, a little bit. She hoped he hadn’t caught her discomfort (dysphoria? She wasn’t sure if she could call it that). If it had really been that obvious, she’d flip, but since he was trans, he may have been more in tune with the signs. She prayed it was that latter, and braced herself for his question.

“Could you give me some music recommendations?”

“Huh?” She was not expecting that.

“I mean, it’s no surprise you the most musically inclined in the class, and you listen to music on your phone a lot, so I thought you’d be able to help.”

“Yeah, sure,” She replied. “So, what kind of music do you listen to?”

“Uhhh… none?”

Jirou’s jaw dropped. “Wait. You’re telling me you’ve gone all sixteen years of your life without ever hearing a single song?”

“No, not like that! Of course I’ve heard music! I just mean, I’ve never really gone out of my way to listen to any. I’ve just heard whatever others have been playing. So, I guess I just wanna find music I actually want to listen to. I just have no idea where to start.”

Jirou’s heart stopped hammering against her chest. She understood people led different lives, but life without music? She couldn’t imagine. “Okay. Do you have any idea of what kind of music you might like? Genre, instrument, hell, even language. Just give me a jumping off point.”

Midoriya thought for a long moment. “I guess… I like guitar, electric especially. And I think there’s a band who I’ve heard a few songs from and enjoyed. They were British, and listening to English music is fun, especially when it helps you learn the language. They had something to do with bugs…”

“The Beatles?”

“Yeah, those guys! Could you show me their music?”

“Which kind? Their early, cheesy love songs? Their mellow ballads? Their psychedelic sitar stuff?”

Midoriya shrugged. “I don’t know. All of it? There can’t be that much, they weren’t together for very long.”

Jirou stared, then smiled a devious grin. “Honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.”

—–

“What the fuck was that?!?”

“I know, right? You think you’re prepared, but nothing can prepare you for Revolution 9.”

“God, I’m going to hear that chanting in my nightmares for weeks.” Midoriya shuddered. Suddenly, something fell over on a table behind them, and he turned around. “Hello?”

A quiet voice whispered in his ear. “Number nine, number ni-“

“Ahhhh!!! Jirou!” He pushed her away, and she fell over laughing. “God, I can’t believe that scared me. I’ve fought villains, for God’s sake!”

“Even veterans like me get the chills, my student. Now, kneel.” Midoriya stared at her with a confused look. “I said, kneel!”

“Fine, fine,” he gave her a questioning grin before relenting, getting off the couch and kneeling before her, his head bowed. She grabbed her phone and began to play Hey Jude, then held it out like a sword. “By the powers vested in me by our lords and saviors Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, and Starr, May they rest in peace, I now dub thee a true Beatles fan.” She tapped his shoulders and head with her phone before they both fell over, trying to muffle their laughs from their sleeping classmates, who must have been cursing their 2 AM rampage.

Midoriya wipes tears from his eyes, catching his breath as he climbed back on the couch. “God, Jirou, I wish we’d hung out before this. I never knew you had such a great sense of humor!”

“I reserve it for friends. Everyone else gets my leftover dredges of sarcasm.”

“Wow, I used to be so afraid to talk to girls like you. Did you know I was proud of myself for just mumbling to Uraraka on the day of the entrance exams?”

“Ha ha, wow…” She tried to feign laughter, but being called “girl” again just sucked all the energy out of her. It wasn’t even his fault, and still she just felt empty. What was wrong with her head?

“Is something wrong, Jirou?” Shit. He’s picked up on it.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” she tried to steer the focus away from her discomfort. “I’ve just been thinking about stuff.”

“Wait. Is it because I said girl?” Why did he have to be so damn perceptive? “Oh my god, Jirou, are you trans?” Now what was she gonna say? “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, so you have another name, well I call you your last name, but still should I-“

“Stop!” Her world was spinning, and she couldn’t control her voice. Everything was out of her control. She felt herself falling, falling. She had to grab something. “No, I’m not a boy.” She dangled from a small ledge by one hand.  “But I don’t know if I’m a girl either.” Two hands up. “I don’t want to bother you, I don’t want you to feel like you’re the class’s “trans messiah”, here to teach us all of the complexities of gender or anything.” Shit. Her sarcasm made her fingers slip, she was about to plummet into oblivion.

Suddenly, a hand caught her, just as she was about to fall. She looked into a pair of startling green eyes. “I’m here if you want to talk, Jirou. I don’t mind.”

“Okay…” Jirou was hesitant. She wasn’t used to sharing things so openly. She was barely at this point with Yaoyorozu, her best friend, yet Midoriya gave off this vibe that just made her feel safe. He really was meant to be a hero. “I’m not really sure what it is. I’ve never really liked my chest, but I always just assumed it was because I was jealous of all the other girls in my school having bigger ones than me. I always stared at them too long, but I brushed it off as jealousy, you know? Turns I was just very, very gay, and there were a lot of really pretty girls at my school.” Midoriya laughed, and Jirou felt a bit more tension lift from her shoulders. She smiled. “But after what happened with… him, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Some days it’s barely there, and other days being called a girl makes me want to tear my hair out and scream.” She suddenly became quiet. “That’s why I’m out here tonight. I couldn’t bear to go back to the “girls” dorm, when it felt so wrong. I just don’t know what I am anymore.”

They sat in silence, Midoriya processing everything she had said. Jirou was about to make a break for it, resigning herself to a night of discomfort, when Midoriya asked, “Jirou, have you ever heard of being ‘nonbinary’?”

“No, should I have?”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. Being nonbinary means you aren’t a boy or a girl. Or, at least fully.”

Jirou stared in disbelief. “Wait a second. I don’t have to pick one?”

“Of course not, no more than I have to be the gender I was assigned. Here, this is a good starting point.” He hands her his phone, open to a webpage titled “Beyond the Binary”. He watched her scroll through the page in awe. After a few minutes, she handed it back to him.

“Holy shit,” she said. “I think I’m nonbinary.”

“Congrats!”

“Wait, can I be nonbinary and a lesbian? I’m still female-aligned, I think, so am I misusing it? Or does it not count cause I’m not really a girl? Do I have to find a new name for that, too?” Jirou had found so much comfort in her lesbian identity. She wasn’t sure she could give that up. Luckily, it didn’t seem she had to.

“No, you can be nonbinary and a lesbian, if that’s what makes you feel comfortable. Do you want me to keep using she pronouns? Or something else?”

Jirou thought for a moment. “I don’t mind she and her, I don’t think, but… could you try they/them as well?”

“Sure! Here, I’ll try them out. This is my friend Jirou, they’re in my class at school and they made me listen to some really fucked up music tonight.”

“Shut up!” They shoved him off the couch, laughing until their bellies ached, and they realized, for the first time in a long time, they were content with who they were. Who they are. They were nonbinary, they were gay, they were a hero in training, and they were laughing their head off with a new-found friend at 2 AM. Everything finally felt right.

[buckygirl-fanfiction]

Sparks Chapter 20

Pairing: Bucky(POV) X Reader(POV) ft. other characters from the avengers team

Word Count: 1.7K

Summary: Sad stuff happens.

A/N: This is a story about two people building a great friendship and then slowly falling in love. y/n is a strong, independent, and smart scientist. She meets Bucky when she wakes him up from cryo sleep and they become friends. This is going to have all the angst / best friends falling in love / fluff / drama / & eventual smut ;) that I can possibly fit in it. This fic is going to be looong! So far my document is like 67,000 words. So editing is hard If you catch any grammatical or formatting errors let me know

March 23, 2016

 y/n’s POV

 “You cut your hair!” I hear Bucky yell from across the lab. The sudden noise rips me from my computer screen and I turn to look at the source of the sound. I spot a couple startled interns turning their heads back to whatever they were doing and for a second i’m startled as well. I’ve been so focused on work I can’t remember the last time I looked up from the screen in front of me. During the time it takes for me to gather myself Bucky is already across the lab floor and by the little desk i’m working at. He picks at my hair and I lean back away from his noisy fingers.

 “Yes,” I say casually. I cut it a couple days ago, I think… I Can’t really remember days now. But I was bored and walking home and passed a hair salon and for no good reason I found myself going in. An hour later I was left with short hair just resting past my chest and a pang in my heart, as least I felt something. I missed my rapunzel hair it was apart of me. But oh well, it took too long to take care of anyways.

 “Why!” Bucky says back to picking at my now shorter strands.

 “I don’t know…” I say a little annoyed at the intrusion. I have to admit I have been consciously avoiding him since St. Patrick's day, again for no good reason. “Why are you here?”

 “I haven’t seen much of you lately,” he says trailing off.

 “I know busy, busy. Can’t talk.” I say trying to shoo him away.

 “Alright… well are you okay?” He asks his expression sinking for a second.

 “Yeah, i’m fine. You gotta go. You’re distracting me.” I say and turn back to my screen.

 “Umm, sorry. I’ll see you around? Maybe Dinner later?” he asks genuinely.

 “Yeah sure maybe…” I say trying to get rid of him. I hear his footsteps fade away as he resigns himself and I do feel bad. I really do. But I don’t FEEL it. I know I should and for a second I think I do, but not really. Whatever…

 March 25, 2016

 2am

 y/n’s POV

 “Are you crazy!” he yells at me from the other side of the conference table. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

 I roll my eyes and that’s my only response.

 “Alright, let’s all calm down,” Wanda says.

 “She could have fucking died,” Bucky continues to yell. “Who let her past the checkpoint?”

 “I did,” I say narrowing my eyes at him. “I disabled it didn’t I?”

 “y/n when there’s a fucking bomb with your name on it you don’t fucking go near it!” he continues to yell.

 “Well I didn’t see anyone else disarming it…”

 “The plan was to clear everyone then send in the techs! Not you!”

 “Your plan was stupid…”

 “You’re the one that’s acting stupid! Do you have any regard for personal safety!” The thing was I didn’t… Well not at the moment at least. I saw a way to save a lot of lives and I took a calculated risk.

 “Can I go now?” I say turning towards Tony who has his face buried in his tablet.

 He looks up when he realises the question is directed too him and says, “Sure, the disarmed bomb is in your lab. The sooner you get started on it the…” Tony’s words are cut off by Bucky’s firm voice.

 “She’s going home. To get some fucking sleep,” God I didn’t know he cursed this much.

 “For a second I almost thought you were my boss,” I say laughing. I make my way towards the glass door and pull it open. For a moment I expect him to follow me out and drag me back to my apartment. But he doesn’t.

 I’m at the lab photographing and noting everything before I begin to take this latest monstrosity apart. Scrolled across the front are the words: ‘For Dr. y/l/n’ in red spray paint. What a theatrical touch I think to myself. Whoever made this clearly has the flare for the dramatic. Come on picking a hospital… That’s a low blow even for terrorists.  I yawn and put the camera down. I should be able to deconstruct this in a couple hours.

 …

 The sound of my phone ringing tears me from my precious sleep. I squint my eyes picking up my head from my desk. I must've dozed off. I look at my clock and it reads 3.46pm. The last thing I remember was Cho bringing me breakfast, which is still lying in its box on my desk. My phone continues to ring and I snap myself awake and look at the screen. It’s Olivia. I yawn and say hello in a scratchy voice.

 On the other end I hear cars and sirens? “y/n” I hear Olivia say in a shaky voice.

 “Whats up?” I ask.

 “Dr. y/l/n can you stop this one in time?” I hear her say struggling to push out the words. For a fraction of a second nothing seems to compute. Then it clicks.

 Bucky’s POV

 “Let me go!” she screams, “I have to go.” But the grip I have on her is stronger than even she is. She puts up a good fight but I have to do this. Even if I have to save her from herself.

 I see Steve run towards Olivia. The short women looks even smaller from a distance. She’s clutching her baby to her chest and sitting on a chair in the middle of Time Square. The area has been cleared and sealed. Not even a overzealous cop or noisy reporter could get in. “She’s on a pressure pad.” Steve’s voice comes in through my earpiece. “I can’t take the child, the change in weight might trigger it.” y/n continues to struggle against my hold cursing my very existence.

 “I’m sending the tech in now,” Tony’s voice comes in through my com. Before I can respond I feel a sharp pain in my shin and for a second I loose my grip on y/n. Just a second. That’s all it ever takes doesn’t it. She slips from my grip and runs towards her friend. This is a message and it was meant for her. There’s a bright flash of orange and red and black. I see Steve’s body fly back. Then I hear a scream. A gut wrenching scream that tears at my heart.

 …

 Bucky’s POV

 y/n has been quiet. The last thing I heard come out of her was that god awful agonizing scream. We’re back at the tower. I don’t want to leave her, but I want to check on Steve. He’s probably fine I know. But, the combined worry of everything is taking a toll on me. He’s only a couple doors down in one of the other rooms in the med bay but I can’t leave y/n. We’re waiting for Olivia’s husband and son. A team was sent to escort them here and a plan has been put into action for their extraction and exit. They are being flown out today to somewhere safe. “It’s just until this is over, okay?” I say trying to reassure her. I’m met with more silence. Not the calm silence one hears during the moments after a trauma but the eerie silence that envelops people when they’ve been truly broken.

 After what feels like eternity I finally get the green light. Olivia’s husband, Mark, and Ben finally arrive at the tower. They’re escorted up to the med bay and I see Ben through the glass doors. He’s carefree and smiling running circles around his father as he walks towards the room lead by Carter. I step forward and open the door. They don’t know. They haven’t been told and y/n isn’t in any state to do it. That leaves me doesn’t it? It leaves me to break a family’s heart.

 y/n’s POV

 Not a lot registers. I remember Cho shining a light in my eye and asking how I felt. I didn’t reply. Then flashes of a car ride. Even when Ben runs up to say hi, I don’t register it. It’s not until he leans against my knees that I realize he’s there and as soon as I do, as soon as I feel him, I push off my chair onto my knees and pull him into my embrace almost crushing him. I vaguely hear Bucky talking and another man’s voice but nothing else registers.

I miss her with all my heart, with all my soul, and if I had anything more to miss her with I would. The pain I feel now is searing and not even my hold on Ben is enough to keep me from losing myself to it.

 A moment later I feel him torn from me by a pair of strong hands i’m too weak to fight. “Let go of my son.” Those are the first words I really register since the explosion. “This is your fault!”

 “No please,” is all I can manage to push out. Even that I don’t say consciously, it just involuntarily slips out of my mouth. “Ben!”

 “You’ll never see him again!” I’m having a hard time seeing reality but I know Mark is gone now and I think the shock finally hits me.

 I keep thinking, no you’re stronger than this. But my breathing is ragged and i’m hyperventilating and I feel Bucky’s hands grasp my shoulders. He is saying something that I can’t quite hear past the rush of blood pumping through my ears. “Sed… Seda… Sedate me! Get Cho!” I scream past the fog that is suddenly becoming my new reality. I hear, more than see, Bucky leave the room. But that’s going to take too long. I push myself off the floor and stumble over to the cabinets. I pull a drawer open and find a syringe full of what i’m looking for. I stick myself in the arm and push the plunger down not caring about the dose i’ve just injected myself with. I just want to sleep.

 Bucky’s POV

 I run outside the room, leaving y/n for no more than a second, to get Cho. But that’s all it ever takes isn’t it? A second. When we come back in she’s on the floor and I feel a piece of myself shatter.

[theragamuffininitiative]

If you think you’re worthless, stop scrolling right now and read.

I’m writing this for a specific mutual, but it isn’t only true for one person, so read on.

You know those inspirational posts you see people reblog every day?

Stuff about people all throughout history who failed and went bankrupt and were depressed and were told they weren’t good enough - and yet somehow they rose above it and defied all those notions to become heroes and legends and history makers and culture movers. And the post always ends with “so don’t be hard on yourself when you mess up” and it’s all nice and sweet and pretty. Maybe you scroll past them. Maybe you hardly ever see them on your dash at all.

Maybe you’re among those who reblogs these posts.

But maybe every time you hit the reblog or the like button, your brain is whispering “this isn’t about you” and “yes people can do amazing things, but not you” and “ah yes amazing stories, too bad it will never happen to you” and you listen to these whisperings and you laugh and shake your head...

Because you know exactly where you stand: worthless. irredeemable. a loser. a lost cause.

Please.

Please.

Listen to me.

As your friend.

As a stranger who doesn’t know you. Who doesn’t have to know you, or your failings, or your depression, or your anxiety, or your embarrassments, or your deepest darkest most heinous crimes.

Stop.

Just stop.

Look up. Look around you. Open. Your. Eyes. Are they open? Good. Keep them open. Don’t ever close them again. See the world. See you: a human being, valid, flawed, journeying, changing, growing, scraping, failing, rising, a masterpiece that will never be made again.

You are beautiful. You who think you are overweight and lazy. You are beautiful. You who think you are stupid and uneducated. You are beautiful. You who think you are a loser, and amount to nothing. You are beautiful. You who bleed and ache and never rest. You are beautiful.

You have worth.

Want to know a secret? If you wake up in the morning and tell yourself you’re not going to amount to anything that day, then you aren’t going to. If you go to bed at night thinking nothing will change tomorrow, then you are going to change nothing.

Because you’ve resigned yourself to that lie. And it is a lie, friend. A straight-out, soul-condemning, out-of-the-pit, self-deprecating, self-pitying lie. A lie you don’t have to believe. A lie you should not believe.

If you stand in the corner and bow your head and stare at the ground, you’ve already lost the battle without fighting. This is a surrender in which there is no honor, and in it there is no hope.

Life isn’t easy, friend. Life isn’t fair. It’s hard. And getting things done is hard. Some days, just getting up out of bed is hard. Just breathing. Just doing homework. Just going to work. Just trying to keep the dishes and trash from overflowing.

But we do it anyway.

Why? Because there’s life to live. There are choices to be made. Jokes to laugh at. Awkward conversations to be had. Art to mess up and start over on. Jobs to work. Pizza to be eaten.

We do it anyway.

So guess what?

You do it anyway too.

Why? Because of this:

You are special.

Right now, this second, turn off the voice that hears these Disney-fied words and scoffs and ignores them. Listen.

There is not a human being who has ever lived or ever will live on this planet that is not important, that is not here for a reason. No life is worthless, and most certainly not yours. My God doesn’t make worthless things, and he doesn’t make mistakes. There are no extra pieces in this universe, no spare parts. He made you. And he made you for a purpose, and that purpose is not to sit in your room, afraid to try, afraid to love, afraid to hope, afraid to climb and fall and hurt and get back up again.

Want to know another secret? You aren’t alone. Every single human being in the history of everything has struggled with feeling worthless at some point in their life. Every single one. That is not a lie. Your feelings of worthlessness are not what is special about you. You are what is special about you. The God who created you is what is special about you.

No matter what you’re going through, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what you have failed to do, someone else has gone through worse. Sometimes, a lot worse.

Oh, now you feel invalidated. “Why can’t I just believe in myself? Other people have it worse, I shouldn’t complain, I should just try harder, but I know trying harder isn’t going to help, so what’s the point.”

Guess what?

Stop that too.

Stop it dead in its tracks.

Kill that thought. Every day. Every morning. Every minute it shows its ugly lying face. Kill it and put it to rest. Stack headstones on top of it and move away, far far way, friend.

Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t know where you’ve been, but you don’t know where I’ve been either. Don’t ignore hope because you think it’s for other people. Don’t keep yourself from making an effort, and pushing yourself forward. Bury the lie. You have worth. You are loved. You are important. God does not make worthless things.

One of my favorite lyrics says “How does it end when the war that you’re in is just you against you against you? You’ve got to learn to love, learn to love your enemies too.”

Learn to love.

Your enemy.

Yourself.

Start learning to see you the way God sees you.

See you the way I see you.

Perfect.

Worthwhile.

Amazing.

Just at the very beginning.

Every single day you wake up is a brand new start.

A bright new chance. Every. Single. One. You will never stop getting chances for as long as you are here, so why dismiss them? Isn’t that the most beautiful thing there is? You get to keep trying. Every single day. You have the gift to go again, try again, start again, live again, breathe again, hope again.

Guess what. When the morning is wasted, the afternoon is still there. When the afternoon is wasted, the evening is still there. When the evening is wasted, the night is still there. And then morning comes again.

So the next time you see a motivational post, an inspiring reblog, a story about how someone overcame something horrible, and turned it into something amazing, look long and hard and take courage, find hope in that. Stop dismissing it as being from a universe you have no part in. Stop putting yourself to that measuring stick and turning away because you’re not there yet.

You’re looking at the end result. At some point, they were standing in your shoes. They couldn’t see the end. They couldn’t see what they might or might not amount to. They had no idea, just like you now. Just exactly like you.

Hope, my friend. Every time you start to think “I can/will never” do this or that or amount to anything or accomplish anything... Hope. Stop those thoughts immediately. Kill them. Bury them. Never stop burying them. They are lies and you are better than them.

Drive them out. Open your eyes. Look around. Pick yourself up. Brush away the tears. “I will try. My God doesn’t make worthless things, so I am not worthless. My God does not create without meaning, so I have meaning. I am here for a reason. Today I will live to find out what that reason is for today. And tomorrow I will hope again.”

Life is hard, my friend. Stop beating yourself up. You are worth more and capable of more than you can ever imagine or hope or dream. Don’t let your past or present failures stop you or beat you down. Keep going, keep hoping, keep killing the lies. You are bigger than them, you go beyond them. And God is greater, and he knows your heart. Trust him. Wake up. Open your eyes. Move forward. Keep your eyes open.

“You've got all that emotion that's heaving like an ocean And you're drowning in a deep, dark well I can hear it in your voice that if you only had a choice You would rather be anyone else I love you just the way that you are I love the way He made your precious heart Be kind to yourself Be kind to yourself I know it's hard to hear it when that anger in your spirit Is pointed like an arrow at your chest When the voices in your mind are anything but kind And you can't believe your Father knows best I love you just the way that you are I love the way He's shaping your heart Be kind to yourself Be kind to yourself Well how does it end when the war that you're in Is just you against you against you Gotta learn to love, learn to love Learn to love your enemies too You can't expect to be perfect It's a fight you've gotta forfeit You belong to me whatever you do So lay down your weapon, darling Take a deep breath and believe that I love you Be kind to yourself Be kind to yourself Be kind to yourself Gotta learn to love, learn to love Learn to love your enemies Gotta learn to love, learn to love Learn to love your enemies too

[turkeyleniniii]

It’s (only) been a year.

Yes, it has really been a year since the first video(well, of the ARG) on the CH/SS channel. And it’s been a wonderful year. I’d say one of the best. I look back to when I first watched MarbleHornets back in 2013 and I remember thinking to myself as I watch the videos on Totheark’s channel: “Holy shit. I want to make this.” It was an obsession, from that point. I loved the VHS effects, I loved the warped quality of the videos, the creepiness. 

Fun fact. The channel CH/SS currently sits on was created on June 1, 2013, when I got into the MH series. Cringey as it may be, I used it to post two videos: each poorly edited and put together, trying to be as creepy as I could possible imagine. To say the least, nothing came of it and I soon deleted both videos. I don’t have the videos and I don’t remember what it was about either. I lost track of it. I couldn’t really bring myself to delete the channel though. The “cryptic” name: “EleventhSymbol”, which still hangs as a the url even through my efforts to change it, became my gamertag. I resigned myself to never be able to create something on such a grand and inspiring scale as MH.

Flash to 2014, and MH ends, and I was glad that I was there to catch it. It was fitting, albeit I only started nearly at the end of the series. I didn’t have any time to watch the rest, only the beginning and the end; the middle I guessed to be a wild chase from start to finished. Flash again to 2015, and CL44 kicks off. I join the forums, and I find what I had been looking for: the Night Mind explained videos. I was immediately enraptured. Only after four videos I knew what had gone on during the duration of MH, that it wasn’t all it seemed to be. I watched video after video, post after post, because I simply could not get enough. That’s when I started CH/SS.

Well, its precursor, at least. On the THAC forums, there were a bunch more users sharing their series, slender-series, cryptic channels, and I was introduced to the much larger scale of ARGs, such as Cave of Shadows, Arkn mythos, what-not. Night Mind and his videos of Dark Media inspired me, and I was suddenly caught in this media-based “renaissance”.  And that rekindled a flame that had sort-of died two years ago. I scrambled my camera, took a few shots, jotted stuff down and reformatted the channel and slapped it on; just like an ARG, just like MH. Granted, I did promote it on the forums, and it did garner some attention. But almost immediately after posting I knew that I messed up. I had no story. I didn’t even have an antagonist. It was just about me and some weird stuff was happening and I find footage of it on the actual channel itself and it led nowhere. A dead end. After dragging it along for a while, I stopped around December. I resigned myself, again, to a failure. It was ultimately myself that brought it upon myself, a fleeting, hastily put together concept that ultimately had no end. 

Another funny story. The first actual CH/SS video was entirely made on the spot. I got sony vegas and figured out the chroma key function on the software, and I tried it out. I looked online for VHS green screen stuff, and found one. I slapped it in and chroma keyed out the green. It was good. I found some footage of the building demolition, and I thought of something cryptic and ominous to say, let’s say, two coupled phrases. It’ll be overlaid on a demolition, maybe something about “rising from the ashes”. Yeah. That’ll do. It should have a logo, it sounds like a company advert. CH/SS? Sure. Whatever, it’s just a test. I added a tone and a shape on the logo, and I added the slogan. I looked good, but from what I learned from my past mistakes was that I was too keen into rushing into it. I made a few more stylized “adverts” and I wrote a basic script. And I waited. For a while.

I decide to upload it to CH/SS. After I uploaded it and the forums showed support. It looked cool, some people said. But not much came of it. Still, I pressed on. I had sixteen when I started, those from the previous series. But as I posted each, there was a gradual increase. Much more than I had anticipated. I got more excited. I wrote more script. I decided to add characters, I formulated a real life reason and motive behind the channel. 16 turned to 20, 20 turned to 40. I could not from the life of me know where this had come from. For once, I felt motivated to keep on, to continue the story. The fact that I had 40 odd people watching me make the next thing drove me to create. 

You probably know the rest. Another funny thing. April 20th, 2016. I had 65 subscribers. I actually had another small channel, and Lego stop-motion channel that had been active way longer than the CH/SS channel. It kinda stopped growing at 66. I was one more subscriber away from matching this current record, it was the most I’ve ever gotten. I even scheduled a video to come out that evening. And on the morning, at around noon, I checked my subscriptions, and one thing caught my eye. Naturally, I would’ve ignored it. But this time I couldn’t. It was a phrase so familiar. I scroll back up and I see the word “CH/SS” on a video thumbnail by Night Mind. I look back, and I laugh at my confusion and bewilderment. I check my channel, surely enough, it had gained 400 subscribers. I could not believe my eyes. It was of my channel. Somehow, it was. I checked again an hour later and it had increased by 200. It was an astounding feeling. 

I cannot for the life of me believe that had happened. Apparently, a few were interested to promote this channel, few calling it their favorite, and advocating it to be reviewed. And after a few more months, a reddit and some discord servers, many other videos and codes, and a twitter account, here I am. I was actually planning to write something more concise, but I just couldn’t stop myself. This has been my dream. Of course, it’s not over, but when I look back, there have many times where I had given up, but many more times where I had climbed back, somehow. I could’ve just stopped and be done with it. 

Never be done with it. Of all the years, 2015 and 2016 has been the new age of ARGs. And I have seen many come and go. Many of the series that were created around the same time as mine are gone. Lack of drive, lack of enthusiasm, lack of proper motivation. I wish some of those channels had stayed. I wanted to see how they came about. A story left unfinished is one painful story, to say the least. 

It’s only been a year. But I want to say this to all the fellow creators out there, although this might sound a bit cheesy. You could be creating an ARG, or a gaming channel, or a commentary, whatever. It may be a long time before something comes of it. You will have to wait. But don’t give up. Many people just stop and say it’s not worth it, but if you enjoy making your videos, it will be worth it. Even if you have only a handful of others to share it with, if you enjoy it, it’s worth. Before Night Mind’s exposure, I had a a decent amount. Nothing worth noting, but I enjoyed it. Every single last bit of it. The gratifying feeling you have after you post a video and knowing people enjoy is worth it. Even if NM had never made that video, I still would’ve been happy. I’d keep on doing this until my story was finished.

Okay, enough with the cheesy bits, I’ve going on for quite a while. It’s been a year, full of twists and turns, ups and downs. I’ve been through quite a lot of creative blocks, pressuring time-restraints and sudden lack of motivation. But it’s only been a year. CH/SS won’t go for a decade, but it won’t be too short either. I just wanted to mark this milestone, somehow. I’m nearing 2,000 subs (if you count a difference of 70 to be small), and I will make sure I will not let those ~2,000 subs down. 

Somehow, I think I might, although I will try everything in my best interest to postpone that eventuality. Well, the future is still there, and it’s only been a year.

Here’s to another one.