#and share things with people who don't want to get snarky over nothing

[choppeddreamworm]

Can I get something where fem reader/(Y/N) is in the school musical/play and they are secretly dating James Hook and his crew don't want to go to the show cause it's "stupid" or something and James sneaks into the musical/play and sits in the back just to watch his secret gf.

Musicals have a special place in my heart so I loved when I got your request! I feel like my writing fell a bit flat towards the end but I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

-nini 𓄿

One Act play

Pairing: Captain hook x fem! reader

Warnings: none, just hook being rude :] not to you though Word count: 2.2 k (not proofread apologies for grammar/writing mistakes! )

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Song used:

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       "15 minutes till opening!" your directors loud voice notified the cast. The people below you conversed amongst each-other as they tried to fix the bottom of your dress. You held your arms up subconsciously trying not to block them, the puffy shoulders not helping. Before the director had come in and interrupted your train of thought you were running over your lines even mouthing some out loud if needed to fix your pitch. But now you could feel how overbearing your quick pulse and butterflies in your stomach fluttered enough to feel them in your throat. were.

This was the day you'd actually perform the musical you and your classmates had been working on for weeks. You put your heart soul into the auditioning process and your effort paid off because you got the lead role! To add to the overwhelming pressure you had invited your pirate boyfriend to come watch. Which gave you a whole new reason to take this play seriously. He had assured you to not over stress your little head about it but you wanted it to be perfect. No one knew the love you shared with the villain and this was the closest it would come to both of you seen in the same room without suspicion arising.

"Come on Uli it won't be so terrible," hook wasn't one to actually beg with the sea witch but he was trying to keep true to the promise he made you that he'd be there. It would be less weird if him and the Vk's arrived maybe cause some havoc afterward his leader would just have to agree to it. Uliana had other plans though she was too focused on fixing her appearance. It was fitting her room having a big mirror just for her. "I don't want little royals in my ears, singing songs about sappy true love or happy endings!" She puts her hands close to here face as she purposefully makes her voice whinny, mocking the overdone perfect fairy tale stories told. Hades and Maleficent can't help but chuckle at Ulianas   Sarcasm from across the room. Both laying on Mals bed since Uliana and Maleficent shared a room. Hook tries to not seem tense over the unknowing  jab Ursula's sister had taken on his royal girlfriend. Uliana rolls her eyes seeing that hook didn't bite back and goes back to her reflection instead. Hooks eyebrows lift, trying to give Mal a knowing look of "help me out" since she was the only one who knew of you being his lover. To which she ultimately just shrugs her shoulders at him going back to making heart eyes at hades. He looks towards Morgie knowing he'd jump on the bandwagon but for once he was actually focused on doing his biology homework. Something about different dog breeds...

He sighs, opening his mouth before Uliana cuts him off. "-While all of you are blinded by futile ... desires," she turns back around taking in Morgie actually doing homework like some good student at Mekong Academy and the two love birds doing nothing but gazing into each others eyes. She immediately belittles them in her head, "I have better things to tend to". Her tentacles push Hook as she stomps towards the front door. He bites back a snarl,not helping but at-least let a snarky remark leave his lips before she leaves, "don't let your tentacles get caught on your way out!". Which only earns him a little shut up from Uli. He laughs to himself mumbling how good the joke was only to be met with defeating silence now taking over the room. His other friends so caught up in their own personal "adventures".

"Yeah.. I'll just be going as-well, I love all of you too!" He whispers to himself as he follows Ulianas actions by walking out of the room. If he'd have to go alone then so be it.

"Giselle! you're up in five" One of the backstage managers gave you a smile along with small nudge as she called you by your characters stage name. You could only give a pitiful excuse for a grin back. A few tremors going through your body, clammy hands playing with the stage curtains. The people playing narrators were already on stage giving the intro to the audience. From your nervousness you couldn't help but peep in behind the curtains. A theatre half full, with many faces you recognized from classes except one... 

Your eyes desperately scanned each row staring with hope but ending in disappointment. While your heart seemed to try to beat out of your chest and eyes trying to start streaming like a faucet you stated to focus on evening your breath. It would be a shame if you had to force the makeup team to give you a last minute touch up. So instead of focusing on the missing villain in the crowd you started playing with your fingers. He would surely show up soon.

"ticket please," the female student located behind the table declared to a stumped Hook. "admissions should be free this is a school event,"  he answered back in frustration. The ability to afford the entrance fee was not of question it was the fact his valuables would not match school accepted currency. "yes should be, but tonights the opening night for the play though," she sticks her hand out more obviously. He shouldn't have used you as an excuse but he was grasping onto last resorts here plus he didn't tell the complete truth so your relationship was safe, "look lass my... friends in the play, main lead actually-". His words were cut short by the girls obnoxious snort, "your girlfriend- the main lead?" yeah sure!". She jeered looking him up and down not believing a pirate let alone a villain was associated with any person in the musical cast. "maybe you're just mistaken so I'll say this once, your holding up the line.. move" her demeanor changed from taunting to serious, hand no longer stretched out instead now holding a firm position down on the table. Hook leaned down, trying to see if he could intimidate his way in, but he remembered it wouldn't look so good on his part, dulling your staring moment and not seeing you act. "That hair looks awful on you darling maybe ask Fay to bippity bopitty fix that for you yeah?," he let the hook drag on the table a little too hard, ripping the table cloth just a good amount till deciding it was enough. While he strides away from the table towards the outside of the building the ticket girl that had attend him cant help but grab at her hair starting to doubt her own appearance.

He was trying to do things right and the universe seemed to be throwing it back in his face. Many scenarios played out in his head, his love distraught and hurt. There was no way he'd let that happen, he was sure there were other entrances not just so openly disclosed to the public. Presented perfectly to him while walking outside near the backside of the building was a door labeled 'storage', slightly opened, letting only a wisp of light out many people would probably miss but, not him.

The audiences claps brought you back to reality along the narrators walking off the stage towards you giving you a small 'break your leg'. Your breath caressed your teeth watching the lights dim exponentially, being able to conjure only the light silhouette of the props crew setting your scene up. A cozy forest with a castle far in the background. Last thing they did was talk into their mic, giving a thumbs up before leaving the stage. The darkness only teased you with going back in your head the blasting music with the violins and drums made you tense back into your senses. Your feet walked forward in airplane mode until reaching next to the prop mannequin created by you. A few thumps followed behind you, turning towards the dark audience you were met with the other cast kneeling in front of you dressed as animals. Lights slowly coming alive.

Hook was traveling through a dark room quietly before the loud music spooked him making him run into something. He was left cringing more as the objects falling caused a commotion. A few muffled voices made him sprint to the other end of the room where another door was. His eyes deprived of light were blinded when instantly met by the harsh bulbs. As he tried to recuperate people passed by him some dressed in office work clothes, others as animals and one specifically as a squirrel. He tried regain his posture realizing he was backstage. One passer by not helping but say, "I thought pirates weren't supposed to happen till the last act?". Deciding against asking for help since he must've already attracted attention dressed as he was, he tried finding his way cutting across many corners. Until he heard your voice traveling through the walls. He immediately grabbed some unsuspecting victim immediately, "you! where the door to the theatre seats?!". Too afraid to even speak they pointed to a door directly in his sight. He let them go without another thought dashing to the entrance.

"when you meet the someone, who was meant for you" you perked with a bit of faultiness, still struggling with getting into character. "Before two can become one theres something you must do...." your eyes were stuck on the audience still searching for hook. The character was gleeful and confident not unsure and meek.

"do you pull each others tails?" one of the cast members dressed as a bunny pulled on your arms while delivering their line. Which wasn't part of the act but it successfully made you remember your next steps. "Do you feed each other seeds?". You gently took their hand off you, your response along with your next words made it seem intentional. A small chuckle fought your lips , "No, there is something sweeter, Every-body-needs". With every jingle you touched each actors nose. A little sadness lingered in your heart when you looked up to the mannequin with dark hair dressed in red and a fork in his hand per your request.  "Ive been dreamin' of a true loves kiss, and a prince I'm hoping comes with this," the longing in your eyes as you looked at the inanimate object were real and . "Thats what brings ever-aftering, so happy," you gave fork a light touch with the tips of your fingers. Your head went back towards the "animals" who were supposed to be learning from you,"thats the reason we need lips so much". You made small motions with both your fingers connecting them, "for lips are the only things that touch".

"So to spend life of endless bliss.. just find who you love through true love's kiss,-" towards the middle of the singing you looked up with closed eyes feeling the words in your heart. Then with the last few words you looked up onto the crowd, hands out, a small figure towards the back side of the theatre cutting your last note short. You could recognize the frame of your lover anywhere even when you had blasting white lights rendering you blind. He raised his arm, dismissing any doubt in your mind was a shadow of a hook. When James had first laid eyes on you while singing your third verse he had to do a double take. The dress was so dramatic yet you looked so beautiful like A true princess indeed. Even more heartwarming was the fact he came in when you were singing those romantic words to a mannequin that suspiciously resembled him. 

Finally having his eyes on you made you miss your queue to riff, too focused on the way your pulse skipped and how embarrassing your wardrobe must've looked. Big, puffy and white to imitate the wedding taking place in the act. A big true grin now on your face played perfectly into the next sequence, the animals singing about you, repeating your own words. "She's been dreamin' of a true love's kiss," they start circling you. "And a prince she's hoping comes with this," you follow their gestures to the dummy next to you, making your advancements towards it. "Thats what brings ever-afterings, so happy,"  once they finished the verse and onto the next you started swaying with them, "and thats the reason we need lips so much For lips are the only things that touch".  

You gave a wonderful spin letting the artistry of the fabric be shown while your cast members last note rang out. A foot in-front of the other you step closer towards the edge of stage, hands clasping each other  on your chest. " So to spend a life of endless bliss," you cheeks puff, eyes finding the pirate in the audience once again as if singing to him you let passion flow out of you. " just find who you love through true loves kiss"

James didn't hide the big mushy look on his face, he spent every moment in public hiding his feelings for you but the darkness in the auditorium offered him hide out. Where even in everyones eyes you were just acting only two hearts shared their emotions out in public with no one having a clue just them. Ulianas words did make him want to laugh though, this play had just been "little royals in my ears, singing songs about sappy true love or happy endings". Except it was like a dedicated love letter to him and only to him by his theatre loving girlfriend. He would cherish it till his death bed, "embarrassing" parts and all.

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[avatar-anna]

Please Anna 😭 Write a part 2 of ice hockey harry and skater YN (possibly longer if you cank)

the part two to my hockey harry fic that only a couple people asked for. enjoy!

You knew you shouldn't have been jealous, you were the one who put all these strict rules in place about keeping the arrangement you had with Harry from being anything more than it was. Harry followed along of course, but it always felt like he was just amusing you, like he knew something you didn't.

But despite how good he made you feel, he still infuriated you. He was still the cocky asshole who considered himself the best athlete on campus. And you'd made such a big showing of being indifferent to him, of not being charmed by him that you couldn't see him as anything more than a good fuck. You wouldn't.

So why did seeing him flirt with someone else make your blood boil all of a sudden?

You'd seen Harry at parties before. Sometimes he would sneak you away to a bathroom with a lock on it or a room no one would enter, but in most cases you both minded your business, sometimes sharing snarky remarks if your paths crossed. Tonight was the same, though when your eye snagged on him and some girl that looked nothing like you, you gripped your plastic cup a little harder than usual.

You and Harry weren't dating each other, but you were also keenly aware of the fact that neither of you went out or hooked up with anyone else. You told yourself that it was to reduce the risk of STIs, but did Harry want to explore other options? Were you not giving him enough satisfaction? Why was he leaning in so close to her?

Then, almost as if he could sense you looking at him, Harry turned and met your gaze. His brow raised the slightest bit as if to say, Your move.

He was doing this on purpose. Harry was intentionally flirting with some random girl to get a reaction out of you, to see what exactly that reaction would be. He probably wanted you to storm over there and get between him and the girl, and...What? Claim him? Make sure everyone at this party knew Harry wasn't as available as people thought?

Well, you were not going to do that.

The smart thing to do would've been to just ignore him, to not play his little game at all. But intelligence and good sense seemed to fly out the window when Harry Styles was involved.

You didn't go over to Harry, though. You stalked off in search of more alcohol and your friends. The bass of some rap song pounded through the speakers as you pushed past people. You found yourself in the next room over, searching for a place to sit and people watch.

"Hey, Y/n!"

Turning, you saw someone approach, and your eyes lit up, but only because of the opportunity that was presented to you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Harry enter the room holding hands with that girl. Smiling to yourself, you looked up at the guy in front of you. "Hey, Evan. We have metaphysics together, right?"

Evan and Harry were virtually opposites. Similar on paper, but completely different otherwise. He played baseball, was the team captain, and was handsome, so so handsome. But he was sweet too. He didn't strut around or make crude remarks. Evan had a quiet, understated kind of confidence. He was the one you should've gotten all flustered around.

"Yeah. I saw you and I thought I'd say hi. I don't normally see you at parties."

You weren't the kind of person who flirting came naturally to, but you did your best. "Yeah, I came with my friends, but I'm glad I ran into you."

Evan's eyes glanced down to his arm when you placed your hand on it. Unable to help yourself, you glanced to your left. You fought the smile that crept on your face when you caught Harry shooting daggers at you. Before he noticed you noticing him, you turned back to the boy in front of you.

"Really?"

You nodded. "I mean, like you said, we have a class, we sit next to each other, but we've hardly said two words to each other."

His eyes squinted as he grinned, then bent down to whisper in your ear. "Or are you glad that someone as good-looking as me is here to make Styles over there jealous?"

Well, shit. "I'm sorry," you said, a blush forming on your cheeks. "He's just being an ass, and I thought I would—I don't even like him, but he's such an asshole—"

"You mentioned that," Evan said, but for some reason, he didn't seem to be mad at being used. "I don't really care what you think of the guy, but I'm always up for a bit of light teasing."

"Really? What's in it for you?" you asked. This was not the reaction you were expecting.

"Help with studying for the midterm? I'm not gonna lie, I'm totally lost in that class."

You thought about it for a moment. Harry really wasn't worth going to all this trouble for, right? With another glance out of the corner of your eye, you saw Harry completely ignoring whoever it was he'd been flirting with to piss you off, and that was satisfying to say the least.

"I...I don't like him like that," you said. You felt like you had to say it.

"No judgment here," Evan said, raising his hands in mock defense. "I just need to pass an exam. I'd technically be using you just as much if you think about it."

"Five minutes, ten tops, and I'll help you study for the test," you decided. "I don't like him, but I like the idea of ruffling his feathers."

Evan grinned. "Well then. Better make 'em count."

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Harry was fuming, you could tell. It shouldn't have brought you so much satisfaction, but it did. He just always got under your skin all the time with his teasing and heckling during practice, it was nice to be on the other side of it.

And you'd made a friend out of Evan. To everyone at the party, it looked like you and Evan were flirting heavily with his arm draped over your shoulder and the casual touches between the two of you, but you talked about your class mostly. And the sports you played, but mostly school. It turned out you were both kind of lost in class and were going to need to clock a lot of hours in the library if you were going to pass the upcoming midterm.

And Harry was there in your periphery, looming in the corner of the room you were in while you talked to Evan. You told yourself he was doing this to himself because if he'd just come over, he'd realize it was all a ruse.

When he finally did, you and Evan were sitting on a couch, your legs were across his lap while he told you about some tournament the baseball team had next weekend. "You should come," he said. "There's food and music, it's a big party, really. The baseball team knows how to have a good time. So if you ever find yourself out of that little ice rink of yours—"

"She has plans already. Thanks."

You tipped your head back to see Harry standing over you and Evan. His arms were crossed and there was an adorable little scowl on his face. You knew he was pissed, but it was cute because he was so jealous.

"I do?"

Harry just glowered down at you, and you stared right back, your arms crossed just like his were.

"I'm gonna—I think I see some friends over there."

Evan gently put your feet back on the ground and stood up. He clapped Harry on the back the way all guys did as they sized each other up, which you found both ridiculous and amusing. You quietly waved goodbye to your new friend, then looked back to Harry, brows raised the same way he'd done to you a little bit ago.

"Can I help you?"

Muttering under his breath, Harry grabbed your hand and pulled you to your feet, dragging you off until he found an empty room, some office that was converted into a room with a pool table, a dart board, and a bunch of other games. Before you could say a word, his hands were on your hips and lifting you up onto the pool table. He put his hands in your hair, gripping the back of your head harshly as he pulled you to him for a searing kiss.

You almost didn't want to kiss him back, just out of spite, but there was just something about Harry that got to you. Even when you were training and he was teasing you from outside the rink and you were pretending you hated it, hated him, you felt like you had a magnet in your navel dragging you to him against your will. Harry drove you insane, and on principle, you should have hated him. He was cocky, arrogant, had an ego the size of Texas, and yet...

Your legs wrapped around his waist and drew him closer to you. His grip on your waist was hard, almost painful, but it felt good too, deliriously so.

"Harry—I want—Can we—"

"I don't really care about what you want," he seethed, un buttoning the cropped sweater you were wearing. "What the hell do you think you're doing out there, huh?"

You quickly put your hands on his shoulders and pushed him back a bit. "Me? You started it! And last time I checked, we weren't exclusive."

"Bullshit! We—" he stopped and stepped away, not meeting your gaze. Looking at him, you realized he was really hurt by this. Angry, for sure, but it felt like he was using it to mask something more.

"Harry, we—we agreed that this was just—"

"Just sex, I know. I know," Harry said, stepping back. "I shouldn't have flirted with that girl tonight. I was just hoping—I mean, I—I thought you would react differently, I guess. My mistake."

You were left speechless, mouth opening and closing like a fish. You didn't know what to say, you thought you and Harry were on the same page.

As you continued to struggle for words, Harry stepped away from you even more. "I, um, I know what we agreed on at the start of all this, and I'm—I'm sorry, but I can't do it anymore."

"Harry—"

"No, it's my fault. You held up your end, I couldn't hold up mine. I'll leave you to get to know that guy. On the baseball team, right? I've met him a few times. He seem like a nice guy."

Harry left soon after that, his head bowed. You were still frozen, perhaps in shock, sweater still half unbuttoned.

You'd never seen Harry...like that before. Things were always playful between the two of you, and you were always purposely pushing each other's buttons. You thought that was what was happening tonight, but apparently you'd misread the whole situation.

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"You're staring."

You jolted in your seat at the dining hall, looking away from Harry and his friends and down at your barely-eaten sandwich. "I wasn't."

"You were," Kate said. "It's okay to be upset, you know."

You looked at your friend, trying to act confused but couldn't muster the energy. "How did you—"

"You think I didn't notice when you were in such high spirits out of seemingly nowhere? And then the moping since last week? Give me some credit," she said, a small grin on her face. "So, did you like him?"

Looking down at your sandwich, you said, "It wasn't like that, we were just—" You sighed. "It wasn't like that."

Kate snorted, which made you look up at her. She was looking at you amusingly, like she was in on a joke that you weren't. "What?" you asked.

"It's okay to have feelings for him."

"I don't," you insisted, but even to you it sounded like you were only trying to convince yourself.

"What happened between you two?"

"I don't want to talk about it," you said.

Standing up from the table, you took your lunch and walked over to the trash cans to throw out the sandwich. Kate followed, but didn't say anything. As you left the dining hall, you had to pass the table Harry and his friends. The grip on your backpack tightened, preparing yourself for the unavoidable interaction. You hadn't seen Harry since the party. He didn't come by the rink while you practiced anymore, and you never saw him when your training sessions overlapped. Sometimes you wondered if he went back to taking the bus, and in those moments, you missed him the most, if only because you didn't know if he was safe or not.

He was avoiding you, you could tell, but you didn't really know what to say to him if you were given the chance. He made it clear that he had feelings for you, and you...Well, you—

"Kate! Off to class?"

Zayn, Kate's boyfriend and Harry's teammate, smiled as she walked by. You half expected her to want the two of you to sit with him and Harry and their friends, but she didn't. Apparently because she knew you and Harry had had a falling out.

"Nope," Kate said. "Y/n and I are both done for the day, so we're gonna go shopping at the mall a couple towns over. Wanna join?"

Shooting your friend a look, you elbowed her and tried to tell her that was a terrible idea. Zayn didn't think so, though, and agreed. "H, you coming?"

"Uh..."

"Great. I think my car will fit all of us. Meet us within the next half hour?" Kate asked, dragging you away shortly after. When you were out of the dining hall, you smacked her arm.

"What the hell?"

"He likes you, Y/n. And you clearly feel something for him. What the hell is wrong with that?" she asked you, walking down the path that would lead to the dorms. "He's, you know, he's Harry, and he's a cocky bastard, but he's harmless. Kinda sweet in that goofy, lovable idiot kind of way."

"I know."

Kate pinned you with a look. "Did he do something? Did he say something that made you hate him, or—"

"Nothing. He didn't do anything. We just—We had an agreement, and he—"

"Aw, and you were so good he fell for you," she cooed, laughing when you frowned at her. "Do you like him?"

You frowned at her. "What?"

"Do you like him like that too?" she asked again, hands on her hips and everything.

"I—It doesn't matter. He probably hates me now anyway," you told her with a shake of her head.

Eyes lit up, she looped your arms through hers and began walking again. "We'll see about that."

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Walking around a mall with Harry was not your idea of a good time.

Almost five minutes into the trip, Kate and Zayn disappeared with the rest of the group you came with, leaving you and Harry alone to walk awkwardly side by side. Neither of you said anything, just walked aimlessly past store after store. You were itching to say something, anything, to break the obvious tension between the two of you, but you couldn't come up with anything to say. You and Harry were never the types to have small talk, and now certainly didn't feel like the time to start.

So you snuck glances at him instead. You peeked at him, at the same baseball cap that he always wore, the same scuffed up pair of sneakers, the sleeves of his shirt that clung to his arm tightly, the spot just below his collar where his skin was a tiny bit paler because it didn't see as much sun. You took note of all the little things you took for granted when you had the luxury of seeing him all the time. You wondered if he was doing the same when you looked away.

"I...I'm sorry that Kate forced your hand," you finally managed to say. "I didn't know she was going to spring that on you and Zayn. I'm probably the last person you want to hang out with right now."

"It's fine," he said, still not looking over at you. You understood why, of course, but you found yourself really wanting him to look at you.

"And I'm—I'm sorry about that night at the party. You...You took me by surprise, that's all."

Harry chuckled, but there was no humor in it. "You don't have to try and make me feel better about it, Y/n. I already told you it's fine. You're off the hook."

Rolling your eyes, you grabbed his hand and pulled him into a family restroom. He protested as you locked the door, and for a moment there was some light pushing and slapping of hands between the two of you, but you finally managed to shush him and put your hand up so you could collect your thoughts.

"I—I don't want a nice guy."

"What?"

You paced the small bathroom, your heart pounding in your chest. "At the party, you said Evan was a nice guy, and he is, he's very sweet—"

"Y/n, I really don't care about what kind of guy Evan is—"

"Will you shut up?" you interrupted. Harry raised an eyebrow, but thankfully didn't say anything. Your hands were shaking, but you took a deep breath and continued. "He's nice, but I don't want a nice guy. I want—I want...you."

Harry was quiet for a moment, leaning against the bathroom door. His head was bent, but when he lifted it, he had a small grin on his face. "Wow, that was some speech. You really know how to make a guy feel good."

"Yeah, well, you're no poet, either," you grumbled, crossing your arms.

"Um, no. Nuh-uh. That's not how this is gonna go," he said, stepping closer to you. "You are apologizing to me. That doesn't involve you insulting me. I am nice, by the way. So you'll have to apologize for that too."

"Oh please. We're both assholes," you muttered. You kicked at nothing on the tile floor, waiting for your nerves to settle. You'd never been all that good with words, which was why you loved skating. You could express yourself through each performance much easier than talking. "I'm confessing, not apologizing. There's a difference."

"Really?" he asked, stepping closer, settling his hand on your hip. Your breath hitched, and Harry's grin widened when he heard it. "Because I'm not taking you on a date until you apologize."

"A date? I didn't say anything about a—"

"You'll want to. Once I tell you all about it," he said, pulling you straight to his chest. Your hands itched to touch him, but you kept them at your side. You knew Harry pretty much had all the power, but a proud part of you was still hanging on, not giving in. "And you're definitely not getting into bed with me until we go on a date. I know you're practically aching for it. You're just too stubborn to do something about it."

"Excuse me? You—"

"You said you didn't want nice, baby. I can be that for you, and so much more." Harry leaned down, his lips grazing the shell of your ear. "You just have to say yes."

"Fine. Yes, now will you—"

"No. Like you mean it."

Your brows furrowed even more, but Harry was in your space for the first time in a week. He was grinning and making your heart leap, and if you took two seconds to think about it, a date did sound nice. Going to his games in his jersey and him watching you perform, holding hands, study dates, kissing him whenever you felt like it.

"I...I hated seeing you with that girl. I was practically seeing red," you said, hooking a finger in the belt loop of his jeans.

"Yeah?"

"I want to sit on your lap at parties, I want to be your partner at beer pong, I want you to make sure I make it home safe at the end of the night and make sure I get my shoes off before going to sleep," you said, tilting your head up at him. "I want to wear your jersey at your games so that those girls who always come to your games know to back the fuck off. That good enough for you?"

Harry caressed the side of your face and brushed his thumb across your cheekbone. "I mean, that wasn't really an apology, but—"

"Oh shut up."

You leaned up and kissed him, pushing him backward until his back was against the door of the bathroom. Harry tried to put his hands on your waist, but you pinned them down, kissing him harder. You knew he definitely could've resisted, but he wasn't, he was letting you do your thing.

It had only been a week, but you'd missed him. You missed gripping your fingers in his hair and tasting his skin and watching him react to the faintest touches. And yes, you missed the in-between moments too. You didn't talk much to each other much, but you liked waking up next to him and hearing him mumble in his sleep. You liked how Harry spooned you right after sex and always had a fresh towel for you to shower with, and how he always gave you space on the bed when you asked for it. You liked how gentle he was with you when he went a little rougher than usual in bed and how even though you were always exchanging jabs and casual insults, he always had the gentlest voice when he cleaned you up and brought you back down from the cloud you were drifting away on. You liked how he randomly kissed the birthmark on your rib cage and how he pushed you harder than anyone else did when you were training. You liked how he understood how competitive you were, that he did because he was just as dedicated an athlete as you were.

You could have that again, and so much more, just like he said.

"This is my apology," you said, kissing him while undoing his belt buckle. "I'm gonna have bruises on my knee for days, and my throat is gonna be sore, but you're not gonna tease me about it because this is my grand apology, got it?"

"Well, I don't know if I couldn't help myself from one little joke."

"I will walk out this door and leave you hard and alone," you said, letting go of him.

Harry raised his hands up, surrendering. "Okay, okay, shutting up. I'll behave, I promise. I could get used to these kinds of apologies."

Grinning, you got back to unbuckling Harry's belt. You kissed him once on the lips before sinking to your knees, the cold tile biting your skin.

You could get used to these kinds of apologies too.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"God, Harry is so hot."

"I know. The things I would do if I had a moment alone with him."

"I heard he has a girlfriend now."

"So? He's not married. That's fair game to me as far as I'm concerned."

"Oh my God, Monique. You're terrible!"

"Mm. I just know what I want," the girl, Monique, shrugged, tying her hair back with a clip. "And I mean, he'll want it too. You'll see."

If fake flirting when you technically weren't together had driven you crazy, then listening to some girl you didn't know talk about your boyfriend like he was hers for the taking? Your blood was boiling.

You glared at the girl and her friend standing a couple feet in front of you, crossing your arms and tapping your foot rapidly. Harry was supposed to come out of the locker room any minute now, but now it felt like he was taking his sweet time while you listened to Monique and her friend talk about stealing your boyfriend. "Where the hell is he?" you muttered, pulling your phone out to text him.

A minute later, and the doors to the locker room opened, all the members of the school's hockey team flooding out. You strained your neck looking for Harry, not caring if that made you look desperate. The minute you saw him, you were going to make it clear to Monique that she would not be getting what she wanted this time.

He spotted you first, green eyes lighting up when he saw you waiting for him. He was dressed comfortably in a pair of sweats and a dark gray hoodie, his baseball cap fitted on his head like it always was. There was a flash of confusion when he saw your pissed off demeanor, but it was wiped away when he saw you rush over to him.

"Hey, good game, right? Did you see when I—mmph."

You kissed him, perhaps with more force than was probably necessary. Harry didn't seem to mind, though. He held your face with one hand and rested the other on your lower back. He tasted like mint, just like he always did after a game. Apparently brushing his teeth was just as important as showering once he got off the ice. His perspective confused you, but you didn't question it.

"While I love the enthusiasm for our win today," he mumbled, nipping your bottom lip. "It is out of the ordinary. You hardly ever know what's going on during my games."

"I'm learning," you said. Harry pinned you with a stare, like he was waiting for you to say more. Finally scoffing, you told him, "Fine. Those girls over there seem to think that you might have a wandering eye. I'm letting them know you don't."

"Me? Never," he agreed. Harry pulled back enough to kiss the tips of your fingers. His hair was still damp and extra curly around his face. His cheeks were flushed from the cold, but the rest of him was warm, solid as you wrapped your arms around him. "But since we're both suckers for showing each other off, should we go to the party tonight or just head back to your place? Or mine. I'm good with either."

"Mm...No party tonight," you said. "Dinner and back to my place. That girl was a little too smug for my liking."

Harry took your hand and walked to the parking with you. As you passed Monique and her friend, you looked over at them and gave Monique a pointed look over your shoulder. She shot you a dirty glare, which only made you smile. Harry, who was fully aware of everything taking place, pinched your side and kissed the top of your head.

"Careful there, love. People might think you actually like me," he said, and you didn't have to look at him to know his grin was smug.

"Good."

He slung his arm over your shoulders, his hand still laced with yours until he had to put his gear in the trunk. You wrinkled your nose when you caught a whiff of the smell and immediately went for the driver's seat so you could be as far away from it as possible.

"Oh now you don't want to be anywhere near me," Harry said, pulling you back to his chest by the waist.

"You're lucky I let your shit stink up my car. That should tell you everything you need to know about my feelings," you said, giggling as he peppered the back of your neck with sloppy kisses. "Come on, Harry, I'm hungry. Let's go."

Harry stayed exactly where he was. "It's not like your stuff smells any better. Sweaty, smelly gear is sweaty, smelly gear. It's all the same," he mumbled.

"I wash my gear regularly and keep disinfectants in my bag," you said. "I thought I told you to get some."

"I'll get on it. Kiss?"

You turned around and frowned at him. "Promise?"

"Are we really talking about this right now? What happened to being wildly jealous and kissing in front of my adoring fans?"

"Bite me."

"Gladly. But not in the parking lot, so let's get out of here, yeah?"

"You're the one pinning my ass to your crotch like a desperate fool—"

"Car. Now, please," Harry said. When you turned around to face him, his usual cocky grin was back on his face, dimples on display and eyes squinting with glee. Now that you could take the time and allow yourself, you realized you thought that smile was endearing. Too sure of himself it made you want to smack him, but endearing too.

"Menace," you muttered, but got behind the wheel anyway.

"I think that's what you like best about me," he called as he shut the trunk and came around to the passenger seat.

"Yeah," you sighed. "I think you might be right."

[s1llyalabaster]

Let Begones be Begones - Veritas Ratio

Where Ratio conceals his identity as a faceless and voiceless streamer, until he finally reveals himself to your surprise. College au! and also streamer au! Exes to lovers, reader is a bit sassy. ~1k words, SFW

a/n: i feel like i don't often write in ratio's perspective, so i wanted to give a go at it...

"FUCKING HELL!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!" The purple-haired man had heard through the thin walls separating your apartment flats. This had been the third time in probably an hour where your yells and screams had nearly broken Ratio's ears.

Yes, Ratio was a streamer himself, but at least he was courteous to his neighbours enough to use a text-to-speech application and an elaborately-designed model when streaming, so he didn't need to reveal his voice nor appearance. Hardly anyone knew about his job as someone who blabbers on the internet for money. Not his boring Architecture major classmates, nor his closest childhood friend, Aventurine.

One of the few people who knew about his side gig was the precisely the person living in the flat next to his. You see, you two shared the same passion for sciences and such, and ended up applying for the same major, which didn't end up very well, with a falling-out happening just months ago.

Ratio had seen you while throwing out the trash once, and upon his eyes meeting yours, his face morphed into a scowl that slowly spread across your face too. An eye roll was more than enough to show his dismissal of your existence, even after all the joyous times you two spent together. Or that time where holes were practically burning into his skull when he was presenting his "new idea of architectural geniusness".

He also knew that you two shared the same job, thinking nothing of it, as his method of earning money was too intelligent to not garner a few copycats here and there.

After a long day of studying and attending classes, turning his monitor on was the last thing Ratio wanted to do. Yet, he promised his viewers a "facecam" stream to celebrate his first year of streaming (which was also his first year of being stuck in ths terrible apartment complex). He did his usual routine of setting up his stream, with an additional flick of his bangs due to his first appearance as himself on stream.

Ratio went along with the stream as usual, doing his greetings, reading his donations, and throwing (jokingly) vile remarks at his chat. He wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, so with one last look at his phone camera, he turned off all his assets.

"Well, asides from me feeling extremely bare and upfront upon the eyes of you idiots, any thoughts?" Ratio spoke, his real voice unconcealed.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH- WHAT?!"

The man's head swiveled to the side in alert, eyebrows narrowing in annoyance. Your shrill shriek had once again assauted his ears. THE Veritas Ratio hadn't think this through enough, huh?

He sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat after the stream ended. Ears perking up at the loud knocks on his apartment door, Ratio dragged his tired body to the doorway, knowing full well that he would be bombardde with countless questions.

"What now?" He grumbled.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'VE BEEN HIDING THIS," your finger jabbed at your phone displaying his streamer profile, "FROM ME?" Ratio sighed, body practically slumping against the door frame. "Nobody said that being a streamer's exclusive to you. Now just- go back to your room before I slam the door in your face."

The realisation that you've been watching his streams was slowly dawning on his barely-function mind. Considering the type of content that he made which only appealed to a small audience compared to gamers or E-girls, he knew basically every recurring viewer.

Including the one who has been spitfireing snarky chat messages at him ever since the falling-out.

Oh.

It was comically ironic how Ratio was the one who ended up knocking on your door the next morning. He felt awkward, brain tingling from the predicament. This was the first time (not counting yesterday night) that he's talked to you personally in weeks, even months. His feet was tapping in impatience, hearing you stumble through your way to the door.

"Oh, it's you. What happened to wanting me to get out of your face?"

Ratio's fingers ran through his hair, strands of violet falling to his eyes. He was uncharacteristically silent, racking his brain for a proper reason that wouldn't make him lose his face.

"Well, I just- You know... Ugh! Why do you have to make this so difficult?!"

"I just... wanted to know why you decided to watch my streams."

You chuckled at his coy form, you wanted to burn it into your retinas. Not only because it was a very, very rare occurence, but also because you never wanted to let go in the first place. Ratio was the one who decided to break it off, saying that you were a distraction to becoming a greater scholar. You still remembered how hard you cried that night, and thinking back, he'd probably also remember due to how thin the walls were.

"Listen, it's not like I wanted to stalk you or something, I just happened to learn about it through a mutual friend. So if you're trying to manipulate me or hurt me again, today's not the day for it."

Ratio faltered. He didn't expect your sharp words to hurt this much. Each and every time he saw you in class, the deeper the hole in his heart would go. It's not like he wouldn't like to pursue you again, he was just incredibly scared. And knowing Ratio, he'd never admit to that.

You sighed, beginning to find the conversation pointless. You decided to turn back and return to your room to continue working on your essay. But before you could, a calloused hand grabbed your wrist firmly. You looked back to see Ratio with his head hung low.

"The things that you do to me... How come someone like me, someone who was born to use logic and reasoning, be so impulsive when it comes to dealing with you?"

You smiled, interlocking your fingers with his, gently rubbing your fingers on his callouses from writing and researching. He didn't disappoint you this time, and you knew that he wouldn't hurt you again.

You two shared a hug before you led him into your apartment.

"What's with all the mess? You'll never have a clear mind with such an unruly space."

Looks like he was back to his usual self.

[runningfrom2am]

all i think about is karma

summary: you and rafe take on a mainland bush party where he knows no one, and you know too many people for his liking.

this can be read as a stand-alone but it's technically a part four to getaway car, big reputation, and this is why we can’t have nice things.

pairing: rafe x fem!reader

wc: 2.1k

tags/warnings: jealous!rafe, highschool au, (some) nondescript nudity, cursing, mean kook!reader, underage drinking, (i think that’s it??)

a/n: hey y’all!! sorry i haven’t posted anything in a little while, i’ve been busy but now im back home and on my usual schedule so there shouldn’t be any serious interruptions for a little while. i missed y’all and i hope you like this! this is what won my getaway car poll quite some time ago so im so happy to finally get it out!

"No, Y/N/N, I'll be fine. I don't want to dampen your week, you'll have so much fun!" Bella insists, adjusting where her phone is laying in her lap while she lays in bed, surrounded by tissues and snack wrappers. She came down with the flu at the worst possible time: right before you were meant to go on your spring break trip.

"It won't be the same without you! I should just stay home, I can come over and we can have a movie marathon or something. That'll be just as fun." You reply, watching her through the facetime camera while you sit at your vanity.

"No. Absolutely not. You're going- and you'll get to hangout with Rafe! It's worth it for me to get all the juicy details after." Bella giggles, sniffling and quickly wiping her nose.

You roll your eyes, rubbing your forehead. "Okay, yeah, but nothings gonna happen- you know I swore that off."

"Yeah, whatever. The two of you, alone, drunk and sharing a tent? Whatever you say." Your friend teases you. "It's actually worth it for me to stay home so you can come back with tea."

"Okay, fine," You agree, not admitting that the idea is very tempting. "But I'm not sleeping with him again."

"No! Of course not." Bella laughs, shaking her head. "But if you did, at least be safe this time. We don't need a repeat of what happened last time-"

"Okay! Okay! Bye, Bella I'll call you later!" You quickly cut her off, hanging up the phone.

Several long hours after texting Rafe the update that Bella wasn't going to make it, you found yourself in his truck on the mainland, driving into what seems to be the middle of nowhere for a bush party you caught word of from some friends you met playing soccer on a local team. You were excited to see them, and meet some new people, but you're honestly so glad Rafe still wanted to go. You'd rather not go alone if you didn't have to.

Judging by the large space in front of you full of various groups of kids your age putting tents together or starting fires around makeshift campsites at the edge of the water, you assume you're in the right place and get to work setting up your own tent off near the edge of the lake.

It wasn't long before the sun started to set over the abandoned gravel pit, and you just finish up when you crack open your first drink from the cooler. "So like... are we actually going to talk to anyone or just hide over here and be weird all night?" Rafe asks as you bring the can to your lips.

You roll your eyes a little and nod. "Well, duh. My friends are coming. I don't know what your plans are." Rafe looks around at that, seeing if there's anyone he might be able to talk to, but he was counting on hanging out with you.

"Wow, you're ditching me?" He asks, reaching into the cooler as well and grabbing a beer. "Cold."

You go to reply with a matching, somewhat snarky attitude the two of you almost always share when you recognize the purple jeep that's pulling in. "That's them! Good luck making friends!" You call back, jogging over to where they parked.

Rafe flips you off as you turn your full attention to your friends, sighing a little to himself as he lays eyes on a group of local boys who look enough like his friends that he's comfortable talking to them.

By the time that the area is lit only by the orange glow coming from the several cooking fires and the large bonfire everyone is centered around, you're already stumbling over your feet with a half-drank bottle of some liquor you didn't bring, and you're not even sure where you got it.

Rafe has been trying to keep an eye on you from a distance, but now he's lost you. He's drunk himself, so he's not overly concerned, but he would just at least like to know where you were. He looks around frantically, trying to keep his cool as the boys around him are laughing about something he didn't care to pay attention to. His eyes land on some figures out in the lake, and he squints to see if he can make out the shape of your hair in the dark. He takes a few steps away to get a closer look, hearing you laughing and shouting over the music coming from an on shore speaker. He walks down to the shore with a smug look on his face, polishing off his beer when he looks down and notices piles of clothes on the shore. Are you naked?

"Hey, Y/N!" Rafe shouts, waving to you in an attempt to grab your attention.

"Rafe!" You shout back, smile never fading as you push your wet hair out of your face. With the liquor warming you, the water feels amazing and so soft on your skin. "Come out here! Come join us!"

Rafe sighs as he finds your stuff, relieved to find only your shirt, shorts, and bra. At least you weren't fully naked in front of all these strangers. He strips of everything but his boxers and grabs your bra, wading out into the cool lake water to you and your friends as they cheer and laugh.

"Rafe! Where have you been?" You giggle, throwing your arms over his shoulders once he gets close enough for you to reach.

"I've been around- apparently I should have been babysitting you ladies." He chuckles, trying to hide any frustration in his tone as he avoids looking at your friends who are just as well clothed as you are. "Put this on, at least." He adds, pulling away from you and handing you the article of clothing, crossing his arms to watch you put it on despite his better judgement.

"Hey! Girls! Come on in, we're going to play chandelier!" One of the guys Rafe had the pleasure of talking to for the last couple hours shouts, and quickly everyone makes their way in to shore.

"Y/N, hey, we don't want you to get sick. Come warm up." Rafe turns his head as he gets his shirt back on, watching as one of the other guys, Jesse, is quickly wrapping you in a small blanket and guiding you up to the bonfire with a hand on your lower back. He scowls at the two of you behind your back, following as he urges you up the small hill and towards the large fire pit ahead.

You walk side by side with the boy, until you can feel the warmth of the flames on your skin where you stop and stand to dry off both your skin and what little clothing you have on. You don't know you're shivering until Jesse is tugging on the blanket around your shoulders. "Here, let me help you warm up.." He chuckles, wrapping his arms around you from behind and draping the blanket over both of you.

"Oh, thanks, Jesse." You say, teeth chattering from the soft breeze. You lean back into him, swaying from the alcohol still in your system and he steadies you.

"Anytime, sweetheart." He mumbles, pressing his lips to the back of your head.

You are well aware of his hands wandering, fiddling with the waistband of your underwear as you have your arms crossed tightly over your chest. You pull your bottom lip between your teeth as you gaze across the fire and your eyes land on Rafe, who's staring at you intently.

You smile and wave at him, but he just rolls his eyes in response and looks away. Is he upset with you for ditching him? In hindsight it wasn't very nice, even if that is the kind of relationship you normally have. If it was you you'd be upset- he didn't know anyone, and he was left to fend for himself, granted; he was clearly fine.

"Hey, Ashley?" You find yourself calling over to your other friend, but she doesn't hear you as your eyes well up with tears. Why do you feel so bad right now? Does Rafe being upset with you really bother you that much? You've hardly felt like this before.

"Ashley?" You ask again, but she hardly glances at you as she's got another boy draped over her shoulder- one who is definitely not the girls boyfriend.

"You okay?" Jesse asks, leaning his head over your shoulder to get a better look at you.

"Uhm, yeah, I just have to go to the bathroom and I was hoping she would come with me." You explain, watching Rafe again as he buries himself in conversation with the two girls standing next to him.

"I'll take you." Jesse offers. "Come on, I won't watch. Swear." He says, already guiding you away and tossing the blanket back to his friend.

You glance back at Rafe over your shoulder as Jesse walks you off into the dark. Just as you look forward again to try and watch your step, Jesse's hand is smacking your butt playfully, making you jump. You laugh it off and give him a shove, but he's grabbing your hand and pulling you in the direction of his truck.

The swing of Jesse's arm to where his hand hit your exposed skin drew Rafe's attention again fully, and he furrows his brow as he watches you stumble away. You were sharing a tent with him and you were really about to hook up with that mainland loser? He quickly downs the rest of his beer and storms after you, fists clenched at his sides after discarding the bottle on a nearby pong table.

"Hey!" Rafe shouts, making the two of you turn just as Jesse backs you up against the side of his truck and starts kissing down your neck. You're confused, but not one to turn down an opportunity like this- especially when you never have to see him again. As soon as Jesse turns his head, though, it's snapped back again with the contact of Rafe's fist into his nose.

He groans and quickly brings his hands up to his face, tipping his head back as blood pours from between his fingers. You gasp, reaching out for him but hesitating, not sure what to do.

"You think you can hook up with any girl who accepts a blanket from you when she's cold? She came here with me." Rafe spits, and you feel your features pull into an expression of anger as you quickly step towards him and shove him back. "What?"

"Come on." You mutter, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the now bleeding boy. "What the fuck was that about?" You ask, storming back to where your shared tent was in the corner. "Do you think you have some stupid claim over me just because you drove me here?"

Rafe rolls his eyes, stopping with you next to the tent as you drop his arm and turn to face him. "He was taking advantage of you!"

You scoff, shaking your head and crossing your arms. "No, Rafe. He wasn't. Did you ever consider that maybe I wanted that?"

"Whatever, Y/N- don't act like you weren't eyeing me up for the whole drive here."

"Oh. My. God." You find yourself laughing suddenly, realizing what this is about. "You were jealous."

"What? No I wasn't." Rafe replies defensively.

You smile at him cockily, tilting your head and waiting for him to spiral on it.

"I wasn't! I tried to help. That's what I get, I guess!" Rafe throws his hands up.

"And here I was thinking you were mad at me for ditching you. Turns out you were just horny." You smirk, knowing you were just pushing his buttons this time for fun.

"Oh, fuck off, Y/N, you're just trying to piss me off now for fun."

"You're not denying it." You shrug, looking back over to the fire for a moment, seeing Jesse sitting there with paper towel pressed to his nose and a few girls surrounding him.

"You're making it difficult not to be when you’re walking around like that.” He replies, smirking as he looks you up and down.

“Don’t be gross, Rafe.” You smile, dropping your arms from they were crossed over your chest.

He takes a step closer at that, delicately placing his hands on your hips. “You love it, Y/N/N, you know you do.”

taglist: @bookishbabyyy @madelynie , @whore-4-drewstarkey , @slut4drudy , @winterrrnight , @totalswag , @sadfury @fullfledgedemo @rafemotherfuckingcameron , @urfaveluvr , @chenslucy , @hxnnah-397 , @s-we-e-t-t-ea , @tahliac11 , @ragingsammie , @ietss, @dee127

[sserajeans]

you are in love | 4. sob sesh? (written)

hanni was outside y/n's house by 6:30 on the dot. the shorter sent a text instead of honking the horn and potentially disturbing the household's dinner, but the windows in the living room made the car's headlights visible to hyein who was on her phone inside the house.

hyein was familiar with hanni's car and took a deep inhale before yelling, her voice echoing throughout every corner of the house.

"Y/N-UNNIE! HANNI-UNNIE'S OUTSIDE!"

"I KNOW!"

y/n ran down the stairs in a crop top and loose jeans, stuffing her phone and wallet in her pockets while shoving her feet in her sneakers.

"wow... what's the rush?"

"it's bad to keep people waiting, hyein." y/n replied back in a snarky tone, referencing a time a few months ago where the younger lee made y/n wait in the car for a solid 30 minutes, causing the two to receive tardy slips in school.

"well move on unnie omg?” hyein shrugged and headed to the kitchen. "you'll be gone for dinner?"

"yeah. are there leftovers in the fridge or do you want me to bring home takeout?" y/n opened the front door, one foot in and the other out as she waited for her sister's response. "i'll be back in like 2 hours though."

"i can probably cook something don’t worry."

"you're cooking? okay, yeah no, now i'm worried."

"shut up?"

"lock the front!" y/n chuckled as she skipped down the three steps connected to the house’s porch.

she hopped in the passenger seat of hanni’s car, reaching for the seatbelt before finally greeting her friend. "look at you reaching the pedals and all!”

"i could just drop you in the middle of the road.”

"nevermind… don’t do that..”

a comfortable silence filled the car, only the soft music from the radio playing as the two passed by the familiar houses in their neighborhood.

“hey… do you know where you’re going for university?

"no not really.. but kaist is on top for me. i’ve gotten a few recruitment offers as well but i haven’t thought much about them... i’m kinda more focused on the aquatic games so my rank gets a good chance to try out for the national team."

"the national team? that's huge y/n! don't forget me when you get an olympic gold."

"hm.. maybe i might.. never know how bu- OUCH?" hanni swiftly delivered a sharp pinch on y/n’s side, causing the latter to bend over with her arms around her waist.

"deserved.” hanni let out an evil laugh before braking at the red traffic light.

"but yeah even if i move to the national training center i'll still be attending whatever university, but for minimum attendance and whatnot.”

"i see... isn’t the NTC far from here?"

"5 hour plane, yeah. we’re still thinking about who’s gonna be staying with hyein while my parents and i are away.” y/n turned to her right, noticing the lit logo of the diner meters away. “what about you? any plans?”

"probably knua for music? still trying to convince my dad it's a good idea and that i won't starve with a music degree."

“that's very in-character for mr. pham... you’ll have zuha around too though, right?"

"yeah!” hanni sighed as she pulled the car over to one of the diner’s diagonal parking spaces. she switched off the engine and unbuckled her seatbelt before looking over in y/n's direction. "we’re getting old.”

"well if you call 19 old.." the two shared a quick laugh, hanni playfully punching y/n’s shoulder, y/n muttering a quick “ow there goes my career.”

"you know what i mean. it's like it was yesterday when i moved down the street, now we're all going off?" hanni took a deep breath before opening the car door on her side. “okay we can’t sit here all night.”

y/n spoke nothing of the glistening that formed in hanni's eyes, and instead followed the shorter out of the car.

hanni was right, things will be different this year. kazuha's getting busier and the 04ers have college to worry about. it saddened y/n to imagine what jiwoo could possibly be feeling on that note.

the two entered the diner, hanni first with y/n poking her shoulders right behind.

"there they are!"

"took you guys long enough."

"there wasn't even any traffic on the way!"

y/n slid in one of the booth's couches beside jiwoo and minji, kazuha and hanni across her. "sorry guys, hanni was having a sob session."

"I WAS NOT!"

y/n started giggling as she gave minji a high five, kazuha on the other hand, was busy holding hanni back from beating the lee up.

"my god how did you guys not kill each other in the car?" jiwoo shook her head as she reached passed down menus that sat on her side of the table. hanni and kazuha shared one, minji and y/n shared another, and jiwoo had the last for herself.

y/n and minji frowned at the sight of a large vegetable dish on the front page and immediately flipped the menu to the next page. "like i said, sob sesh."

minji chuckled, taking note of a burger set she was thinking of ordering.

"what's so funny, kim?"

jiwoo, unfazed (knowing it wasn't her anyways), showed kazuha the menu page and pointed at an appetizer platter, to which the eldest nodded in agreement.

"nothing..." minji softly elbowed the girl on her right as they flipped through another page of the menu. "maybe you should tone it down y/n, our pham hanni is seeing red."

y/n rolled her eyes as they reached the end of the menu and closed it, placing it down on the table. "we all ready to order?"

a chorus of "yeah" and "yup" was heard from the girls as kazuha waved down a waiter. the eldest of the five accurately dictated each one's order before jiwoo brought up her latest piece of gossip.

"so the new student, i think his name was sungjin..."

the girls shared laughter and stories they experienced during the summer when the others weren't present. an irreplaceable warmth surrounds their booth, and if it had a color, perhaps it'd be golden.

things will be different this year.

masterlist. next.

taglist: @yyeonmis @lostamoeba @jisooftme @yoontoonwhs @awkwardtoafault @kvnii @lcv3lies @limbforalimb @spritin @kaypanaq @i06kkura @manooffline @kimsgayness @justme-idle @jenaissantex @mightymyo @sewiouslyz @txtbrainrot @li0ilthecxnt @captivq @paranoxic @sofakingwoso @daniellobers @pandafuriosa60 @haerinkisser @staryujinnie @wowowowcake @lesleepyyy @haechansbbg

[blazinghotfoggynights]

I am so happy for episode 7x4. Why? It has already led to lines of communication about romantic and queer journeys that are not typical.

I see Team!Tuck and Team!Buddie have some members that are not happy with the other and think the other team is delusional or doesn't make sense. Only the members of that show's crew know what is going to happen. For all we know, Buck could meet a third party, fall in love, leave the 118, and go off to happily ever after.

(I so don't want that. But what can a girl do?)

I want to say that as someone who probably has just a teeny bit more of life experience than many people on here and other social media, no I am not sharing my age, I have seen, and experienced, a lot. Remember I mentioned lines of communication opening? They are open now because people are inspired and feel empowered to share their thoughts and experiences.

To Team!Tuck, yes, Team!Buddie is still quite a possibility. How? Did you know you can be so in love with someone you have no idea you are in love with them? Sounds crazy, right? But it can happen. It took many years for me to see that I was head over heels for my best friend. I never considered it. I never looked at him that way. We were just really close and besties.

It took someone asking me if I were stuck on a deserted island and could only have one person there with me, who I would choose. I said his name instead of my then boyfriend's name. I didn’t even think about it. It was reflexive.

The person was staring at me smiling and watching me as I realized what I’d said and then a montage of our friendship played in my mind.

“Oh my god.” That was me.

“Finally figured it out?” That was the other person.

When I thought about it, I compared men to him all the time. The qualities I was most attracted to in my partners up to that point were qualities they shared with him. But it was at that moment, many years into our friendship, that I realized that had been happening.

This leads me to Team!Buddie. Team!Tuck is valid and could very well be endgame. If the writers make Eddie a completely hetero man with no flexibility, Buddie will not happen. However, they have offered a character who is literally an amalgamation of Buck and Eddie as a possible love interest. It is funny to me, because when I look at the Tommy character I see the lovechild of Eddie Diaz and Evan Buckley. Buck picked a man who mirrors him physically but shares a lot with Eddie including military background, quick wit, snarkiness, the willingness to say screw the rules when needed, hobbies, etc.

If Buck knows with no uncertainty that Eddie is not, and will never be, an option, wouldn’t it make sense that a man who is so much like Eddie would catch Buck’s eye?

I will also say that it is not impossible for someone who truly believes they are 100% heterosexual their entire lives to realize one day that may not be the case. How do they realize it? They look at someone of the same sex and have an epiphany.

As a young one who was new to this world, I fell for the rhetoric that sexuality is static and does not change. You were either straight or gay. There was nothing else.

This older, wiser version of me knows the only things you can count on in life are change, surprise, and unpredictability. She is also grateful for those who worked hard to explain that sexuality is a spectrum and give those who never quite found a space a label that finally fit.

She is extremely grateful for the brave people who who have the courage to live out loud and raise their voices in pride so others know maybe one day they can do the same.

I will always have my fingers crossed for Buddie endgame. I’m talking big wedding, tears being shed, vows so sweet everyone requires insulin. You get the picture.

However, I also want to see the two characters who never have happiness or a partner who truly supports them find what Hen/Karen and Athena/Bobby have. If that is with other people, so be it.

One more time, I am going to say major respect for ABC and the show writers for flipping off that network that can go to hell and giving this arc life and to Oliver and Lou for doing what is bound to piss off a lot of people who won't be shy about vocalizing their narrowmindedness.

[goodluckclove]

So apparently when I drink enough to start posing real questions (such as "what spec fiction author would be the most fun to party with"), my body reacts poorly and I end up with insomnia. I've been lying in bed for about four and a half hours just pondering before I realized I'm an adult and I can just change locations.

I'm in the living room now. Bob seems happy for the attention. And I'd like to share my central ponder of the night, centered around how much of a bummer it is that like most of the online queer centered spaces I've seen consist of rampant in-fighting.

Stay with me here. Seriously this is a long one I'm very tired.

I'm not coming from some nonsense centrist place of no conflict ever. I just feel like so much queer conversation I see is either vague blanket support, or a massive thread that somehow starts in the middle of an argument. And as someone who is not necessarily old, but definitely not active online, this is super isolating.

I think it's a really interesting anthropological concept that as queer culture develops it becomes more niche and simultaneously more vague. That's cool. The downside is that I am now the human embodiment of that Griffin Mcelroy meme about not knowing what something is and being too afraid to ask. And every time I see someone who is clearly super passionate about some queer take, I really want to ask why they think what they do or how they came to that conclusion, but holy shit that feels dangerous.

Like it's not an immediate invalidation to ask why. More modern queer identities are so varied there's a very good chance two people experiencing the same circumstances might have two radically different reasons and ways to get there. I am at the point where I no longer think anyone can speak for our collective queer experience unless they use the broadest of terms. I'm genuinely just grieving that we're immediately giving each other shit over variations instead of getting together and comparing notes.

Oh but Google is free - fuck off. Like straight up. That shit flies for the surface level information and it's crazy to me that more people don't acknowledge that. Google is free for people who think there's only one intersex variation. Google is free for people who really want to know if scissoring is real. At this point in society there are multiple generations of queer people (or people in general) with multiple senses of online validity. Someone who grew up in the 90s might trust a more traditional source for information rather than a google doc or Tumblr post or reddit thread or tiktok, and by that logic they aren't really going to be convinced by any Googling they do for a lot of new cultural shifts.

Like I was a teen with shit opinions. I was snarky about "transtrenders" who used neopronouns. Not online or to anyone - I wasn't a complete dipshit - but I definitely thought it. If I posted about it online I'd say all the regular arguments and the opposing side would say all their regular arguments and we'd block each other and accomplish nothing.

Which would be a massive shame because one of my shining qualities is my ability to admit when I'm wrong. There's a much better alternate reality in which I did post about how people who think you don't need dysphoria to be trans are cringe, and some kind trans person asked why I thought that. Because then I'd say something like because everyone wants to be trans that doesn't mean you're just allowed to say you are.

And then they'd probably be like yeah maybe you should talk to more people about this and consider where you're coming from, saving me like ten years of gatekeeping myself from my own identity.

Like I tried the Googling thing for something niche that I'm curious about. I learned about aplatonicism recently and was like huh. New info. But every post I see in the aplatonic tag is already angry about being aplatonic so I'm not about to take space with my own curiosity.

But after scrolling a Reddit thread I am more confused than ever. I don't know what a squish is, friends. I mean, I know the definition - but my brain doesn't think of human relationships like that. People were talking about having friends that they love but they don't have squish love or friend love, also aplatonic describes some autistic people, also also aplatonic is a word specifically used for aromantic people who don't want QPRs. I don't think any of this is wrong. I do think that it is so much information that it cancels out in my brain, and now I kind of just think aplatonic is a word that means things sometimes. And that's not what I want.

I'm being self indulgent because I don't think anyone is reading this far and I'm feeling relaxed because I took an Adderall earlier today and I feel like I can actually think for the first time in months. I want to ask some aplatonic people what they think "friend love" is supposed to be compared to what they feel for their friends, if they have them. If they don't have a need for friends, I am very curious to know what they think about the friend list function on virtually every social media website and game. Like this is not a bit. I've been awake in bed for almost five hours and it occurred to me that might be a bummer. Maybe some people use them out of convenience, but I think it would be interesting to meet a person who's so staunch in their philosophy that they just don't. I feel like there's probably a lot of aplatonic people who are like just straight up not online and don't even know that's their vibe.

I want to ask some loveless aros what they consider to be positive emotions or motivations in their lives. Like I'm so full of love for virtually anything that the concept of not having that emotion across the board makes me wonder if something else fills the space. Like do loveless aros love ideas? Do they love their hobbies? I don't think aromantics are sociopaths at all, I've just seen people who both say that loveless is reclaiming a slur and also defining a lack of love and I'd like to know more about both.

I saw a post on my feed about how anyone should be allowed to get gender affirming surgery even if they aren't trans. I don't disagree. That argument has honestly never occured to me and I really wish I could've asked why someone would want that. Because "a cis man might want a vagina" is valid, but doesn't fly in terms of actual logistics. You have to make so many appointments and wait for so long and answer so many questions. I'm aware my opinion on this is heavily biased by being Agender and actively ridding my body of as many secondary sexual characteristics as quickly as possible. I am not immune to the propaganda of my own identity. I would just like to have an in-depth conversation with a cis man that wants a vagina and ask why and also if they think it's worth the maintenance. Because, like, there IS maintenance.

I'm not doing it to judge. If this hypothetical man is like "yeah I know I'd have to keep up with the upkeep and maybe wear hormone patches from now on, but structurally it makes sense for my view of my own manhood", I'd be like "that's really interesting, I considered adding a penis to my architecture but then decided that it would probably be a sensory nightmare for me. I'm surprised so many cis men can ride a bike."

And then maybe he'd say "where do you think cis men put their pensises when they ride a bike?" To which I would say "I don't know the mechanics of a penis and at this point the thought of learning in which direction I'd have to stick my hypothetical one makes me anxious."

And then he'd kind of scoff bemusedly, and we'd go out together for banh mis.

I think at this point in my rant I'm realizing that my major issue here is that the world as a whole is not friendly to genuine curiosity. I also get triggered by hate bait, and it bothers me that I can't pull the subject of the cringe fuel aside and be like what are you doing? Like, not judgementally. I want you to explain to me what you are doing and why it's important to you.

I don't think it'll convince me every time, but I'm pretty sure I'd be like "ah, okay. Makes sense." And then move on with a greater understanding of the growth of humanity.

And also we can get banh mis.

I really want a bahn mi but I can't bike to get one or else my guts will fall out. Gender affirming surgery is a mistake for the sole reason that it prevents me from yummy Vietnamese sandwiches.

Kidding. I'm kidding, not having a uterus anymore has been pretty cool.

The sun came up.

Fuck.

[acacia-may]

Let’s pour some salt together, Acacia~!/lh 💖

If it’s not too much trouble, can I ask #7 generally, #10 for Fairy Tail and Black Clover, and finally #25 for Demon Slayer?

It’s several questions and a bit all over the pl s so I hope you don’t mind… 😅

Cheers, Erika! 🥂 Thanks for the chance to get a little bit salty about so many different things! ^^

Necessary disclaimer above the cut: These are just my own personal opinions based on my personal tastes, perceptions, and feelings regarding the series, stories, and characters and their relationships. I genuinely have the utmost respect and absolutely no ill will towards anyone who has a different opinion than me. In fact, I have always said that one of the greatest things about fandom is that we can all experience and perceive these amazing stories and characters in very different ways but still love them. Even some of my dearest fandom friends enjoy different pairings than me or see our shared favorite characters in wildly different ways than I do. I personally find it very rewarding to have respectful conversations about our differences of opinion, and I hope that my opinions will also be respected. Also, I don't vibe with just mindless bashing things, so even though this is about to get very salty and a little snarky, I'll try to keep it respectful and all in good fun. I am not tagging anything and am hiding my thoughts under the cut so you all don't have to be subjected to my hot takes and "Salty Acacia," if you don't want.

MAJOR Spoilers for Demon Slayer below the cut. You've been warned.

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

ATTACK ON TITAN/SNK. My sister says I need a swear jar because I can just rant for hours about how I was just so personally, viscerally disappointed with how that series ended (made all the worse because I had several years of investment in it). As a disclaimer, I still like my favorite characters and the side story "No Regrets" will always be **Chef's Kiss** but yeah...you could not pay me to watch or read it ever again.

But again, disclaimer, that's just me. It's my cousin's favorite anime of all time, and he loved the ending. Everyone's different.

As for anything else from fandoms I actually talk about...I'm not sure there is anything. Like everyone with an online presence, I have definitely been disturbed, appalled, and otherwise very upset by things I've seen on the internet, but that's what the block button is for (and I know it's all peace, love, & good vibes around here, but I block aggressively, actively, and unapologetically when the situation warrants it). As a general rule though, I try not to let what other people think get to me and ruin the things I love, and in that way, I don't think I have ever had a situation where something was just completely 100% ruined for me by a terrible fic, toxic fandom, or anon hatred ect. ect. I have certainly distanced myself from certain pairings and certain fandoms because of that, but I wouldn't say any of them have ever reached the level of "I can't stand it now." If anything, I sometimes feel a little contrary and dig my heels in on that thing in a petty revenge, "Well in that case, I'll just like this more" kind of way, if that makes sense?

All of that said, I have no patience for nasty, toxic fandom environments, and I stay away from those even if it's a media I really like i.e. you mentioned MHA in one of your salty asks...I wrote my one platonic friendship fic and got the hell outta there (nothing bad happened to me but it just wasn't worth it to take any chances). But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it in real life and sometimes talk about it with my sisters and irl friends. I just don't want to discuss it online. It's not worth the headache & drama.

I definitely get fandom fatigue sometimes where the aggressiveness and toxicity of the fans of a certain pairing or character I already don't like just intensifies my dislike for that thing. But that's really only ever happened with things I already don't like or don't have an opinion on at all, which I don't think that really fits the prompt here.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Fairy Tail: The anime-only Celestial Spirit Arc by a landslide. It was so boring and had so many pacing issues. I literally fell asleep during it and didn't even both going back. I'm also super bitter towards that arc because my sister got so bored during it that she quit the anime (right before getting the best arc Tartaros). I keep begging her to pick it up again and just skip the stupid Celestial Spirit Arc but she swears she is a completionist and would never be able to do it. So yeah. Can't stand that one! The only positive thing I could remotely say about it was that Levy on the game show was kind of entertaining, but overall the whole arc was kind of just like a boring bizarre dream I'd like to forget about.

For arcs that appeared in both the anime and manga, I really didn't like that flute arc (which a google search has informed me is actually called the "Eisenwald Arc"). I'm glad we got Gray and Erza introduced as characters, but the arc had a lot of pacing issues and just went on for way too way, imo. They could've wrapped things up a lot faster, also I just didn't get the whole "evil flute" thing--it was really random and kind of bizarre (also not the most well thought out plan in the world). I will say this arc gets more points than the Celestial Spirit Arc because my sister and I had so much fun making Kokushibo flute jokes.

Black Clover: Gotta go with the anime only arc here too because again, it was boring and didn't have a lot of bearing on the series as a whole. It also felt like a major let down after the high stakes of the Elf Arc. Honestly just not a fan of that one.

If I had to pick a manga arc...uh...I honestly don't know. Maybe the Sosshi village arc? But only because I thought it was better in the anime where they really took the time to flesh out Magna's backstory. It felt more rushed in the manga, but I don't dislike it as much as that anime only one.

If I can pick a character arc, freaking FINRAL'S!! Like what happened here?! It was so, so good...until it wasn't. I JUST CAN'T WITH THE AMOUNT OF REGRESSION. It makes me want to beat my head against the wall even more than he is! But I think this was about story arcs, not characters arc so I'll refrain from ranting here.

25. Would you change the ending of Demon Slayer?

This is kind of a complicated one. My sister and I were just talking about this because she feels there was too much character death, but I feel it was a justified and appropriate amount for the high stakes of the series (even if it was devastating). So for the sake of this discussion, let's assume that the author had a "character death quota" (or a set number of characters who were going to be killed off by the end of the series). If that was the case, I would have axed Uzui at the end of the Entertainment District Arc and saved Genya in the final arc.

If there was a believable/reasonable way that Muichiro could have gone into god-mode and defeated Kokushibo without dying, I would have saved him too, having Uzui take his "death slot." Then I would have saved Genya by having Sanemi die to protect him (which would have been a much more satisfying ending to his arc, in my opinion).

As sad as the other deaths were (*weeps about ObaMitsu*) Muichiro and Genya were children. While it's realistic for them to die, it's especially tragic, and if I got to rewrite the ending, I would prioritize saving them.

Though to be perfectly fair, I would have been much happier with the ending if Uzui had died in the Entertainment District Arc and any of our heroes who died in the final battle survived instead. I'll forever be salty that Uzui of all people somehow managed to survive to the end when so many others did not, especially since his arc had already wrapped up and him dying in the Entertainment District would have been a satisfying conclusion to his story whereas so many other characters who did get axed had storylines that felt unfinished (Genya especially).

Also, Himejima should have played the flute at Kokushibo causing him to lose his cool in the infinity castle so much faster. I'm really upset this didn't happen. (Kidding but I would’ve loved to see him just go completely unhinged over the flute. I make way too many Kokushibo flute jokes…)

[jen-with-a-pen]

If people aren't comfortable reblogging fics to their blog (which I am not, due to a personal history of being doxxed and humiliated to my irl friends and family), are comments sufficient enough engagement or would you rather that reader not engage with your work at all?

I feel like that came out sounding passive aggressive but I truly mean it as a genuine question and am just not sure how to rework it to sound less snarky! I see this discourse on and off from different fic writers and respect both opinions and think everyone should be able to curate interaction with their fics as they see fit.

Hi, anon.

I've been thinking carefully on how to respond to this. I can tell you're not trying to come off as snarky– which i say as someone who can't read tone for shit most of the time and whose own tone can come off aggressive or bitchy when I don't mean it to be.

I'm gonna address your ask as thoroughly as I can, if that's cool. Sorry if it's a long response. I'll put a cut in so I don't interrupt feeds ✂️

First, I want to pose a question to your question, which I mean genuinely with no spite whatsoever: why are you on Tumblr if you're not reblogging or don't even reblog?

As I've stated in other replies to the post I made a few weeks back, from the way I see it, Tumblr is literally built upon the foundation of sharing creations and content. There is no dead-set algorithm here like there is for Instagram or TikTok. Sharing is, quite fucking literally, caring here. We are able to form communities of all sizes because we share things. Reblogging is essential to the upkeep, and quite frankly the existence, of fandom and communities. Without sharing, our communities crumble and become ruins. We are actively seeing this as we speak: many mutuals and authors I follow are starting to quit writing due to passive, demanding consumption patterns and 0 engagement.

I know you probably know this, but I thought I'd restate it for answer's sake.

To answer the meat of your ask, I will pull from both personal experience and mutuals' experiences and input.

In my own personal opinion, if you are solely commenting on fics and are not engaging in anything else (no likes, no reblogs, etc.) then I personally think that Tumblr is not the site you should be on and, frankly, you should go sign up for AO3 if that's all you're going to do.

And I mean this earnestly. If all you want to do for engagement is commenting, then AO3 needs you because sharing does NOT affect authors nearly as much over there as it does here. In fact comments on AO3 are the literal equivalent to reblog on Tumblr: we don't get any and when we do it's like finding an oasis in a never ending desert.

Now in terms of what mutuals and other authors have said on the matter, it seems the consensus is that commenting without reblogging is a case-by-case basis. I'm going to quote a mutual of mine here:

"...if someone is commenting on my work but not reblogging… I'd say it's case by case. If it's just MY fics they aren’t reblogging, then it'd be a problem, but if they don’t reblog ANY [fics] I'd be more okay."

Another mutuals also put it this way:

"... I feel like there *is* both sides in this sense; yes comments are nice and engaging even though they aren't the preferred and most helpful way to boost writers..."

I feel like both of them put it into words where I struggled to. I will also say that I do agree with the point being that if you're not gonna reblog ANYTHING– no art, no content, no photos, no other fics, nothing– AND your profile adheres to the guidelines set forth in basic Tumblr etiquette (not looking like a bot and not a minor) then sure, comment away.

The verdict, in summary with my opinion and mutuals': it depends on your behavior and your interactions with other works and content.

I hate the word content but I couldn't think of another one.

But, my question still stands: why are you on Tumblr when you don't even participate in the basic fundamental function of this site?

I also wanted to take the time to address the other part of your ask regarding the doxxing and people finding out your identity.

It has been very widely known for (close to) two decades now that Tumblr is the place where you can have an anonymous identity. Truly. I've been on here for the collective half of the last decade and have been on the Internet for a little more than half my life, now, and Tumblr and fandom are literally the biggest and best places where you can be someone else. You can be completely anonymous.

The common denominator, however, is you.

The amount of information you have on your blog is what you choose to put on it. If you state your real name, your state and city, have one of those (imo stupid) carrd things or whatever, then honey– and I mean this in the nicest way possible, truly– that is on you. I know for a fact (from good and bad experiences) that you have all of the power in the world to annonymize yourself while still maintaining yourself on the Internet. That make sense?

A couple of mutuals made very excellent points regarding this:

"...I have a best friend irl who has Tumblr and is so close to the fandoms I'm in, and she doesn't know I write here. I am anonymous on here. I'm suprised she hasnt connected the dots because my aesthetics are the same in real life..."

"...I personally think its pretty easy to be anonymous on tumblr. Especially since usually all we ask is you have that you aren’t a minor at the top of your blog..."

"...it's really easy to be anonymous on the internet [...] you can be an ENTIRELY different person on the internet..."

From that last mutual, I'll paraphrase and go off of another point they made: the fact that you do want to participate and comment negates your ENTIRE arguement because someone– anyone– can find you and your blog through said comment(s).

Your digital footprint is what you leave behind. So if you have your city and state and grade and real name and all this other shit in your blog or carrd or whatever, then you are the only one who is responsible for having put said information out there.

Hell, I've been mutuals with some people going on 2-3 YEARS at this point and the only other things they know about me is my state, general city vicinity, my cat, and what I do for a living. That's it. And we span from early twenties to married with a kid or two.

We are in charge of what we share and I implore you– as someone with a certification in legal information technology– to please educate yourself on your Internet privacy and digital footprint. Please take the time to think about your actions and the information you have online. I STILL do this to this day, even after getting certified and being on the Internet for half my life.

I am sorry that you've gotten doxxed in the past. Truly, I am. It's a horrible act and I hope you never have to experience that again. Please know I am not being dismissive of that nor trying to blame you for said acts.

But it all comes down to you at the end of the day. In general, it's you, your actions, and the consequences of your actions. And if you happen to be a minor, then I strongly urge you to rethink your decisions and maybe step away from social media and utilize critical thinking in order to asses your situation and who you surround yourself with, both online and offline. I wish I had someone to tell me that when I was 14– fuck, even when I was 18.

And I mean it when I say AO3 might suit you more than Tumblr. If any fandom site has more capabilities to be anonymous than Tumblr itself, it's AO3.

Anyways, I think that's all I have to say for you. My DMs and ask box are always open and I am open to more commentary on the matter and related ones so long as it is civil and respectful. I refuse to stop having this conversation.

Thank you for listening ❤️

[ms-moonlight-inn]

🥨Tag Game Wednesday🥨

Tranqed & tagged by the National Wildlife Association & @juliakayyy, @skylerwinchester, & @jrooc on this fine Wednesday.

name: super productive cutie patootie who's doing laundry on a school night 🤯

age: twice the hypotonus of purple divided by pi

star sign: taurus ♉ (born in the year of the dragon🐉; it's my year, y'all!)

your first language: English/Spanish

second language: Spanish/English (ok, that was snarky of me, I'm bilingual from the cradle)

favourite lip product: I used to use Maybelline Baby Lips tinted lip balm, but have recently stopped using it due to their continued use of palm oil. CoverGirl's tinted lip balm runs a close second. They've updated their policies on palm oil (though it's not perfect). I'm on the lookout for that "perfect" shade with the "perfect" ethical model.

the best food dish you can make without a recipe: Enchiladas & spanish rice. (The basic bitch, low rent version.)

If you drink tea, what kind? I like anything from Stash, especially the sweet n' spicy blend.

If you drink coffee, what roast do you usually get? I love a deep, dark roast. Something full-bodied & complex.

favourite thing to watch on youtube right now: Ugh... here's where I expose myself for the giant nerd that I am. I watch a lot of "facts" and "tutorials." So: plant videos, crochet tutorials, knitting tutorials, yoga videos, guided mantras, macrame/knot tying. Fuck, how embarasing.

favourite thing to watch on youtube in 2012: Oh, back then, it was probably music videos & dumb people narrowly avoiding death & people in other countries doing normal shit.

favourite item of clothing right now: This hoodie from LL Bean. I genuinely get upset when it gets too hot to wear it. It's on sale rn & I'm thinking of getting one in a different color. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Someone stop me!

favourite item of clothing in 2012: More than likely, it was my UC Irvine hoodie.

fandom

three movies you recommend: Green Street Hooligans, Rise of the Guardians, King of Staten Island

your favourite concert: The last one I went to was Foo Fighters, so that one?

have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? No.

have you ever left a fandom because of the fans? No.

the best tv show you watched last year: Interview with the Vampire was good. Heartstopper was, too. Nothing has gutted me like Shameless.

do you have a fancasting you just can’t let go of? No.

a ship you’ve abandoned: Fangirls don't die, they evolve. No 'ship left behind.

on a scale of 1-10 how willing are you to share your ao3 history? Um, with who, prey tell? (pun intended)

do you have a fandom tattoo? (do you want one?) Not YET. Wifey won't let me get knuckle tats, so I have to get creartive.

what fandom do you wish was bigger? None, they are the exact size they need to be.

has a finale ever ruined a show for you? Swear to god, if we don't get one more season if OFMD. Also, we need a Shameless reunion and/or spinoff. That's all I'ma say about this topic.

have you…

swam in an ocean? Two of 'em.

ever been vegan/vegetarian? No, but I do enjoy going to vegan restaurants with my sister who is lacto-ovo.

gone skinny dipping? Yes, kinda.

gone skiing? No. I have always had shitty knees.

been to a convention? Yes, for work and fun. When I was in the industry, I used to go to health food conventions often. And I've been to NY Comicon twice. I almost went to a tattoo convention this year, but I got lazy. :-)

🥨🥨🥨

Check this shit out, I'm on time with this one! 🦚 I'm tagging @notherenewjersey, @mybrainismelted, @lingy910y, @francesrose3, @sleepyfacetoughguy with no pressure to play, as always. And anyone who wants to play!

[gaiuskamilah]

I want your input, as a Bloodbound expert. As I replayed Bloodbound (and I'm always thinking about Blades of Light and Shadow, which you helpfully pointed out had the same lead writer, Andrew Shvarts), I kept thinking:

these two are incredibly similar, right? 

"That sad little boy, cowering behind his shield, desperate to be loved. He was nothing but a tool, begging for me to break him."

Not quite mind controlled, but heavily manipulated by a dark god-like figure. While under that figure's control, they make people like them, putting them under the same influence. Once freed, they're unhappily dragged along by the heroes to a forest where they ask to be unbound so they can participate in the fight. They'll both roll their eyes at you as you threaten to kill them. Both secretly hoping to redeem themselves, but shocked when MC offers a path to redemption.

There is a big difference in time scale. Gaius is an immortal vampire who did questionable shit for centuries and Aerin is an early 20-something who did questionable shit for a couple years. Relatedly, Gaius kicks way more ass. And while Aerin seems devoted to the Dreadlord, I don't get the sense that he's horny about it. (Which I'm personally grateful for, but no judgment)

But generally, it feels to me like the writer liked the idea so much he made two different version of the same character. What's your take?

Ps, I'm utterly obsessed with this note from the wiki, which I now see you have definitely read. "In Andrew's mind, human Gaius was soft, sweet, and quick to fall in love but quicker to be heartbroken. He describes him as, 'Just this trusting naive little castle guard, eager to be liked, too gentle to send Rheya into the cave without a knife, always pining for that love of his who died.'"

yeah! i think there are some general similarities between them as you've mentioned, and also a pretty significant overlap between their fanbases (though i have seen some aerin fans who vehemently dislike gaius, and some gaius fans not really care about aerin). the manipulated by dark figure aspect and the shaky alliance is definitely some of the similarities that stand out. however because of the difference in gravity in things they've done i like to joke that this is gaius and aerin LOL

while aerin does share similarities with gaius, i don't think aerin's the only one in the cast who does! i'm specifically thinking about valax, who similarly kidnapped MC at the beginning of book 2 for MC's abilities (blades MC being a realmwalker, bloodbound MC being the bloodkeeper), the "creation" and most loyal follower of their mother-goddess, the same mother-goddess who initially had good ideas for how the world should work, but over time that vision was tainted by their need for revenge. gaius thinks he's working for the better of vampirekind by enacting what he believes to be rheya's righteous will, while valax does similarly with the ashen and the ash empress. MC eventually shows them that their mother-goddess doesn't really have their best interests at heart and that's what makes them switch sides. also, well, they're both immortal old as dirt beings lol. character archetypes galore!

speaking of character archetypes, andrew tweeted about another one of his favorite character archetypes (i promise he tweeted this but his twitter's gone and i can't find a screenshot of it lol), namely the rebellious do-gooder snarky figure with a troubled past. he specifically posted flynn o'malley from veil of secrets, jake mckenzie from endless summer, and of course, mal. though with him also working on bloodbound and crimes, i think jax and luke are definitely part of this collection.

and YESSS oh my god that note from choices secrets: revealed drove me insane when it first released. the man loves talking about gaius... born to be a lover, forced (not really forced but y'know..) to be the worst man the world has ever seen. gaius augustine you will always be famous!!

[ringlorn]

"Hey, I'm back with the stuff!"

Nezha all but glides in through the back door, arms laden with grocery bags while his Wheels do the work of leading him into the kitchen. Why his roommate wanted so much soymilk he'll never know, but he trusts Macaque's cooking skills.

Even if he makes lotus root dishes far too often.

There was a sale on kale this week—Nezha doesn't know whether Macaque would use that, but he buys one bunch anyways, figuring the macaque can always whip up extra snacks to take to his boyfriend, or Liu'er, or whoever he runs into around the city. Most of the time he doesn't know what the guy gets up to at all since his shadows make him virtually invisible—but that's on him for not really caring. The rest of the time they spend passing each other in the halls, through the windows, or actually sharing sauce over the meal table (and isn't that weird enough, him eating with a monkey that isn't Sun), living more or less...like roommates do, he guesses.

He's not sure why Macaque doesn't just move in with Monkey King at this point—they obviously like each other and even the third guy's been accepted by both—but it's the same question he could ask himself: why not move in with Sun? Too many monkeys, is his first reaction, but honestly the threat of Zhang San coming back someday and seeing the two of them in one house is what really keeps him in check.

(If he wanted to win over Sun, he would've done it first and a thousand years earlier rather than settle for second place now.)

Once in front of the fridge, Nezha opens it up and starts to put stuff around what's already inside, finally used to the proper placement of things. (Honestly, the looks he'd gotten from putting vegetables next to raw meat once upon a time?)

"Do you want me to take out any of this stuff?" he keeps talking as he works. ostensibly to no one. But having a roommate with six ears means you can whisper and he'll hear you just fine, so he might as well been shouting right now.

It's Nezha himself who needs to strain his ears for a response, only to hear nothing. He checks the clock on the wall—it's getting on evening, so the guy should be home to cook? Unless he ran off to hang with Monkey King again and pranked Nezha into coming back to an empty house or something.

Pah, joke's on him. He's rich enough to order takeout for the rest of his life.

Closing the fridge, the lotus prince saunters to the family room, still talking to empty air. "Also, do you know any good cooks? I mean, guys who do it for a living. A friend of mine's thinking to hire...I don't know where to get that kind of chef, snipe 'em from a restaurant or something?"

That's probably the easiest way to do it, but otherwise he was looking at online research instead. Magnolia could do that herself. It was also a pretty stupid question so he's expecting a snarky comeback, but the fact that no one replies is pretty telling.

Macaque's not home.

Just in case, Nezha decides to float upstairs, planning to listen in on the guy from outside his room. If the monkey's not sleeping, sick, or well, dealing with stuff like last time, he's likely MIA.

He doesn't expect to see Macaque's bedroom door standing ajar by the time he reaches the landing though. Exasperated, Nezha dismisses his Wheels and stalks over noisily on foot. "C'mon, you've never been this obvious with bait—"

The door creaks open. The inside is bare.

This...what, did he actually move out?

Looking around the empty space makes the ends of Nezha's hairs stand on end. It takes a moment before he unfreezes enough to scramble through his pockets for his phone. Fingers scrolls through his contacts—nothing, no name—then social media, where people are posting about the eclipse that dropped by while he was obliviously browsing the aisles of the supermarket.

Gone, just like that.

He's not sure what he feels at the moment. Honestly, the ones who should be missing him are—again, more scrolling back and forth—still here, so that's gotta suck. The other guy's gone too, though Nezha doesn't recall him as much as he does Monkey King with him, and—his brows wrinkle, thinking back to the fridge.

It's full of food, and right now he's the only one living in this house.

...tomorrow. He'd deal with it tomorrow. Keep what he could eat, donate the rest or something—it'd be a joke if he tried to cook like Macaque, but wasting his ingredients is even worse.

Do I tell someone? No, they'd probably find out for themselves—and maybe even sooner than he did, since they were actually close. He and Macaque were—well, they couldn't be friends as far as Heaven was concerned, but they weren't enemies.

They were comfortable, Nezha decides, in their special brand of impersonalized co-living that had the guy bossing him around with a spatula in one hand and a pan full of spicy sizzling vegetables in the other to scrub the toilets already, it's only fair, Nezha, before setting a full bowl of food in front of him for lunch half an hour later.

Wordlessly, Nezha walks to the bedroom windows and throws one open. A late summer breeze trickles through the opening, hot and heavy, making it hard to breathe. He inhales it anyways—and then climbs onto the windowsill before stepping out entirely. Of course his Wheels catch him before he falls, and Nezha turns mid-air to hover outside his building, staring at the windows darkening with the onset of incoming rain clouds.

The houses here are never left empty for long—the Stars always fill them with new, confused faces every few days. He'll probably get a new roommate next time, but he'd have to figure out the groceries before that, and there's no telling how the other monkeys are going to cope with this all, or if they'll even drop by to check.

He frowns at that thought. Would it be better or worse for him to be there when they do?

If he keeps the window open, they can let themselves in—or just use the balcony, another favorite. There's been no issue of thieves in this area of city so he can keep things unlocked—the locals know better to try against all the superpowered weirdos they get every month moving in. And even if nobody comes—

Well, maybe he's the one who needs time to readjust to living by himself again.

Nezha looks at his phone and decides to book a hotel for the night.

[institute-of-planar-shitposts]

For the ficlet starter lines, 5 with the twins and someone of your choice? :3

5. What the hell did I just walk into??

Had to think for a bit on this one but decided to go with something based on a bit I shared with you jdjdbfjbdjfkdjg

(Ficlet starter game is here!)

Since the Day of Story and Song, as people have taken to calling it, Taako has all but refused to let Lup out of his sight. Barry seems to have the same thought process most of the time, but the two have at least unofficially coordinated when one of them will be away from her, if at all. Right now is one of those times - Barry is out training with Kravitz, and since Lup's body is still cooking, she just gets to chill with Taako for now. Or as she likes to call it, "catch up on twin time," which, while he may object to calling it that, Taako silently agrees with.

The monotony of doing almost nothing every day is starting to grate on him, though - something he never thought he'd admit to; who knew that apparently having something to do isn't bad all the time? - so after reading the same page in the magazine that "details" the crew's lives (read: made up shit to fill in what they don't know) for the fifth time trying to make sense of the author thinking Magnus had this awful, tragic past on Twosun, Taako slaps said magazine down on the table next to him.

"I'm bored," he announces, flopping back onto the armrest.

Lup glances up at him. "Okay...? We can go work on that puzzle or whatever, 'Ko."

Taako groans. "No, Lup, I'm bored, not dying," he complains.

"Taako, I saw you put together that tree," she says, unimpressed.

"It was like 3 am! You can't use that against me!"

"Can and will," she counters.

Taako groans again. "Can't believe I fucking missed you, goofus."

Lup grins. "Course you did, dingus. So what were you thinking?"

"I got basically everything from the moon base, but I swear I'm still missing some shit," Taako grumbles. "I don't fucking wanna go back there, but I'm pretty sure one of the things I left was my set of good spoons because I haven't been able to find them literally anywhere."

"Okay, sure. You want me to just go for you?" Lup offers.

"No, no, I gotta make sure you don't grab Merle's shit or whatever," he says, getting up.

"Gods forbid." She rolls her eyes.

A snap from Lup has them back in the suite Taako, Magnus, and Merle shared in the blink of an eye, and Taako beelines for the kitchen to get whatever he left in his hurry to leave the godsdamned place the first time. Lup hovers nearby as he searches through cabinets and drawers, simply watching and making snarky comments here and there.

Once he's fairly certain he's grabbed everything from the kitchen, Lup floats over. "Ready to go?"

Taako debates for a moment, then sighs. "No, so long as we're here I may as well make sure I really do have everything," he grumbles.

"Alright. Where next?"

He scans the dorm quickly. "Bathroom," he decides. "Gotta make sure Merle didn't use up whatever I left. You know he would."

"Abso-fucking-lutely he would, I'm still mad about him using the last of that body wash I got in cycle 9," Lup agrees. "I had it clearly labeled and everything."

"Exactly," Taako nods, heading for the door. "Like, I'm pretty sure I grabbed the good stuff, but I still wouldn't fucking put it past him to have used up whatever I -"

He stops as the door swings open, revealing a very naked Merle in the middle of several plants. Almost immediately, he shouts, "NOPE!" grabs the handle, and pulls the door shut as fast as elvenly possible.

Lup is staring at the door. "What the hell did I walk into."

"Gods I fucking thought we told him not to do that shit in the bathroom since cycle 23," Taako hisses, covering his eyes. "Should've fucking known after the goddamn pothos incident, fuck!"

Lup glances between her brother and the bathroom door. "Do I wanna ask?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely not. Seeing it was gross enough let alone retelling it," he gags.

"Fair enough. Not something I'd thought I'd ever say, but that was one good thing about the umbrastaff," Lup says, staring at the door now.

"Fucking envy you on that and that alone, Lulu," Taako groans. "Let's just hit everywhere else and hope to fuck that Merle is done by then."

"Yeah, could not agree with that more."

[thedroloisms]

yes theres no doubt a large disparity esp on here when other communities outnumber this one in size. I mean to say the new wave over-saturates this behavior, when they all share the common mindset of "at least my guy is not as bad as that one" they conform to putting a controversy in the back of their mind because they never expect their guy to be subject to that limelight or little things that get dream lambasted for because they take part in it. Making sure their punching bag stays as that only punching bag. And seeing it happen to them is such a foreign thing to experience, so they have find ways to cope with it even if it means to drag a name that has nothing to do with the situation. It's my thought process at least that the critical thinking the general community adheres to will always be based on bias and malicious take-downs to make themselves seem better to a wider range beyond theirs. Its so naturally performative too, their statements have like a veneer of snarkiness to it that you can clock right away. Using "she didn't say anyone so we shouldn't speculate" and ignoring the deliberate details she dropped, makes empathy look like a smoke screen to deny or not talk about the person who everyone knows is in plain sight. I understand its a sensitive subject to most people but seeing the evidence of her spoken word be accused of being associated with leak stuff in order to blame something other than their guy is so disgusting. So thats why in this situation, seeing the stark differences as an observer, I can't help but laugh too otherwise I would go mad.

i'd say in my personal experience, older fans tend to be even worse about the "my guy is a good guy and better than dream" rhetoric specifically bc they cling to their experience in choosing "the right side" as giving them a moral high ground. a lot of said people are specifically even invoking dream's name in terms of decision-making in this situation, basically saying "ohhh this situation isn't like the dream situation, if it was like that then obviously i would've dropped him" or on the flip side being like "we can't be like dream fans, guys, we have to Drop Him and call him an awful inhuman monster #fuckmen" etcetera whatever. obviously there are plenty of problems with newer fans as well but i've seen pleeeenty of people acting in stupid ways who were specifically here for the allegations against dream in 2022 (including something i saw earlier which made me laugh a little bit - someone going "look i cant support abusers i used to be a dream fan but then the allegations dropped and i stopped supporting him because i didn't want to look bad :( i dont support will gold anymore but i will continue to draw wilbur soot" like ???? okay) - i feel like new fans are more of an issue bc they take this attitude from older fans and parrot and amplify it, but honestly i wouldn't really say new fans are the root of the issue (though obviously their lack of supporting a Bad Guy in the past factors into their superiority complexes in the present)

while there have been quite a few idiots making this situation about dream (some people outright accusing dream, though honestly i think those people were just trying to deflect the situation onto their favorite punching bag rather than making an actual accusation - and a lot more people bringing up the dream situation specifically to soothe their own complicated feelings because Obviously they care about victims and Obviously they care about holding Bad People accountable) - i feel like the majority of what i've seen from people other than the copium is just a lot of people going all :( support shelby #believevictims don't speculate, which is. wow. crazy to me as well to consider it leak to ... talk about literally publicly available information? like leaktwt is when you listen to music lyrics now i fucking guess.

you really, really do have to laugh, honestly. i didn't know what to expect from this situation but my god, i did NOT think it'd be this bad

[hallowed-nebulae]

reflection upon a moment (as tea settles or ink dries)

Rina knows a few things (her life, mostly, as it has been). Rina knows her new friendship with Taiga and the others. Rina reflects upon it.

Can be found on AO3 here, or under the cut.

Rina knows the smell of the trees after it rains, and the bite of cold air in winter. Rina knows the scrape of skin against stone and the rushing of wind through leaves. Rina knows schoolwork and classes, free time spent on a video game that isn't one, knows a little dragon that is not so little.

Rina knows Taiga, too. Taiga is like her. Not-quite-human. A little bit feral. Sharp teeth and nails kept just a bit too long, spine a bit longer than it should be (spine a bit shorter than it's supposed to be). Eyes wide open watching everything.

They don't talk about it. Rina's not really in Taiga's group of friends -- not like Taiga wants her to be. Rina and Taiga are the same, they both have the Decode, but Akiho and Nikolai and Yuuya (and that missing hole that's mireimireimirei) are different, too human for Rina to get used too. Too human for Rina to know how to trust.

It had been easier for Taiga, of course. It's Taiga. He makes friends easy as he breathes, and moreover he had spent much longer with Yuuya and Akiho and Nikolai, with these people, helping to save File Island and the digital world and whatever else. Rina --

Well. Rina had gotten kidnapped by Barbamon, torn from one world to the next, and look where that'd gotten her.

Which isn't to say Rina doesn't want to befriend them, doesn't want to be friends. She just -- doesn't know how. Making friends is easy enough. Keeping them is so much harder.

She wonders how Taiga does it, really, but maybe it's that shared adventure, shared trauma, that helped him get so close to the three of them (three, not four, because mireimireimirei is gone and not coming back and there's nothing any of them can do). Nikolai had been neighbors with Taiga, so it's no wonder those two are close, but Akiho and even Yuuya -- who is smug, now, snarky, but Rina hears that he used to be much worse, has grown a conscious now -- spends plenty of time with the two, both of them fitting in easily enough. Not like Rina.

Still. She joins with them on their meetings -- Rina used to live in Aomori but they moved to Shinjuku and secretly she's a bit sad, even if she's glad to be able to speak with Taiga and Yuuya and Akiho more easily. She misses the snow. Misses the colder weather. Misses when everyone talked in an accent like hers, before Rina had to start talking more like them to fit in. (She's not bitter. Just a little bit sad.)

But she is glad to be in Shinjuku. There are stationary stores here, and barkeries, and all sorts of things. Some things are familiar and some aren't, and she's dragged from place to place by the excitement of it all, Taiga and Akiho and Nikolai and Yuuya. And it's nice She likes it here.

Rina knows new things, now. The smell of Yuuya's expensive cologne he pretends he doesn't wear, the bell-like sound of Akiho's laughing. The way Nikolai's face scrunches up when he's smiling. The way Taiga looks more settled around them all, and the way Rina feels more settled, in this strange group of friends she's stumbled into. (She doesn't fit in with Nikolai, Yuuya, or Akiho, not like she does with Taiga, but she's getting there. Even if her smiles are a bit too sharp and her nails are a bit too long and her eyes aren't quite right, no one say anything. They just accept Rina as she is, ditzy and energetic and all over the place, just as they accept Taiga in his steady confidence and cheery optimism.)

(Rina wonders if the digimon can see where they are now. She thinks V.V. would be proud of her. It's a nice thought.)

[petrichoraline]

hi petri i'm here just to vent and you can totally just ignore this but last week i finally had a job interview (after so many soooo many days of being rejected or straight up ignored lol) and even though it wasn't a job a really wanted to do i was ready to go, excited even, but then the day before anxiety started getting to me, like from 0 to 100 i started getting these horrible thought about how everything was gonna go wrong and how i always fuck everything up and how i have no future so who fucking cares etc etc (so self depreciating it makes me wanna throw up and hide from shame tbh) (also i'm on antidepressants and anxiolytics in general since a couple of months now and even though at first i noticed nothing i thought they were begining to work on me... i've been in an extremely scary dark place and i really don't wanna go back to that) and i thought i got this interview i thought this was things starting to change but on the day i was supposed to go i literally shut down, idk how to explain it i just couldn't bear getting out of bed or seeing anyone the thought of even interacting with someone paralized me................ i didn't go and it was a bad day, a really bad one, i feel like i'm on square one once again, i couldn't even phone them i'm so embarrassed and disappointed in me and just... i hate myself... i hate this i hate how much it takes from me to do normal fucking things i hate how my body and mind fuck me up all the time and work against me and i'm so weak i can't fight them i just so hopeless and bad and not worthy anyone's time, this illness is taking so much from me, it's been years and it keeps happening....... sorry for this i needed to let it out and you seem like an honest kind person....... sorry

hey love 💕

now, excuse me if my response is a bit all over the place, i am tired but i insist on answering this as soon as possible <3

first, i am touched that you find me a safe enough person to go to and your words mean a lot to me, thank you for that 💓 sometimes it feels like you can't share with people around you and you need an outlet so i understand. i have welcomed similar messages in the past so i see why you would come to me :) you say you want to vent but i will express my thoughts and advice which you can feel just as free to ignore.

i get that feeling that comes with failing an agreement and then dreading the consequences, wanting to own up to it but not feeling able to pick up the phone. it's an awful awful thing to go through and i feel for you. it is something that you must do, though, at least that's how I see it. even aside from possible benefit for yourself, you have to express respect towards the team for their time and the opportunity. i know it sucks, I know you're contemplating all the possible responses but trust me, it's one call that can make a big change. even if the offer is off the table, you will be more at peace, I guarantee it. they can be mean about it (though professionalism will make them snarky at best) but chances are they have no clue why you didn't show up so they could just as easily just be worried and confused rather than angry. you have the chance to sincerely apologise and thank them and you will not know what they think unless you talk to them. for such calls i get myself some water, breathe a lot, chant encouragements and dial the number. one way you can prepare yourself is writing down what you want to say, don't rush it, you can do bulletpoints or write down the whole thing from start to finish - just have something to give you some security when you're afraid you can't find the words. going through the script beforehand will also make you more confident in what you want to communicate.

aside from this particular employer and your relationship with them, making a call would boost your assurance and you'll be a bit more confident next time you need to do something unpleasant. I am more than sure you can do it and I believe in you.

another very very important point- no such thing as back at square one. healing and growth are never linear, messing up along the way is only natural and DOES NOT erase all the time you've spent moving forward. you are not back anywhere, you're just at a crossroad. you need some time to reasses and give yourself time to breathe and that is okay. you are trying, you are thinking, you are feeling, you are moving but only forwards because life goes forwards and it isn't leaving you behind. a pause may feel scary because you shift your focus to things that didn't work out instead of exciting things that are yet to come. it's okay to pause though. it really is. you are NOT failing, if anything I find it admirable how much you want to make things work. and I truly believe you can and you will and it will all work out.

I am sorry you are going through this, I cannot replace a professional, I cannot be the tools and person to make it better but I feel for you and I hurt for you and you are not alone. there is a person who knows how far away from you who is shedding tears because they want you to feel better so strongly. I'm not saying this for you to go all "oh no I made her cry" because it is possible your mind will say something stupid to you like that - I am saying it because I want you to know you are not alone. and you are very worthy. of love, of success, of every little thing you think is unreachable right now because you've been tired for so long. you are loved and there are people out there who want you to be okay. you are not at fault for what your mind does. it's your body, it's processes you are not at fault for and you have to be more gracious towards yourself. no reason to hate yourself, genuinely none at all. you are in pain and you are dealing with it as best as you can and that is something you deserve credit for, it's commendable.

the job market is stressful as fuuckk even without facing what you're going through, be kinder to yourself! i am so scared of interviews but talking to people with stable jobs you'll know - sometimes you have to do over dozens and dozens of interviews and just grow a thick skin for it, it's an actual skill. you have to understand these people have so much on their minds that aside from considering you for the position they don't pay you much mind (one of my problems is contemplating what interviewers think of me as a person - they don't. they clock out and im out of their thoughts); they're just people doing their jobs, you are not failing their expectations nor are they some superior beings you have to show fear in front of. you're just participating in a waltz they dance with others and you should dance with other employers. you will not get certain jobs and that is fine, every interview is practicing for the next which is also very valuable.

I understand right now you may need some time but I think keeping it moving could help you grow accustomed to the whole thing that is job hunting and not setting your focus on this one instance and self-pitying. and that's why i think you should go for that call, you could get a second chance but even if you don't clearing things up will help you moving on from it rather than thinking of it each time you apply.

things can go wrong but things can also have the amazing ability to go right. and you can stumble but you can also do really really well! because people are fluid and are capable of more than they think, you can move in either direction so as you consider how things can actually go absolutely fine :)

I will always always recommend professional advice and help, though i have my experience I base my comments on, i cannot provide you with the needed expertise that you deserve. please talk to someone, considering you are on prescribed medication right now I assume there are means by which you could talk to someone more competent. I know what things coming back again and again for years is like, it's torture. and i need you to keep fighting because it truly is a fight, it's tiresome and it's lonesome but you have to. you owe it to yourself and you deserve to keep your head above the water until you don't have to strain to do so.

but you have got to realise people don't hate you for it and if they do they are ignorant and you don't need them, let alone their approval. i was considering answering you without publishing the message itself but I believe it will resonate with more people than you think and there will be more people out there keeping you in their thoughts and there is so much beauty and power in that.

again, I apologise for the messy reply, I feel like there are many more things I want to say and maybe better and kinder ways to put them but this is all I can muster up right now. I am sending you so much love and a warm hug. i am proud of you. you have so much power and strength and i hope you get comfort to accompany them.