#and she does it despite it breaking her heart because she trusts her so deeply and knows that it's for her own good

[baerryjj]

Do you think they've explored each others bodies

[justlemmeadoreyou]

I saw requests were open and I have one☺️. How about one when you are like Brad Pitts daughter or anyone famous daughter and you just started dating and his team or Friends like make fun of you and hurt your feelings or just say he is using you.

hi hun!! thank you for sending the request!! i hope you like this!!!

Word Count: 2.4k

Pairing: boyfriend!harry x reader

Warnings: cursing, kissing

masterlist!! | send requests!!

“He’s just using you because your dad is an A-lister”

Those were the words Y/n wished to never hear. But, she always did, in her every relationship.It was when her friends began to say that, that she knew the relationship was reaching its end.

Y/n. Y/n Pitt. The daughter of Brad.

She was almost as famous as her father, if not less. A successful model and actress, a philanthropist and currently, the girlfriend of Harry Styles.

Her fame and success didn’t come handy, despite her father being a prominent name in the industry. Her career got a big break when she won a prestigious beauty pageant, and she has never looked back ever since. She made her way by herself, from the bottom to where she is now.

Still, whenever she hears the phrase “he used you”, it hits like a dagger deep into her heart, and that makes her question if she would ever be loved by anyone for who she is.

Which takes her back to today, sitting in a cafe with her friends, which was supposed to be a hang out. But, soon it turned into a relationship discussion, full of petty gossips and hate. About her and Harry.

“Dude, you know that he is with you because of your dad, right? I mean, come on, Y/n! You can’t be this naive!”

“That’s totally true! I mean, like, think about it, next month is the opening of your family production house, which was announced 6 months ago. And, Harry started dating you just around that. That just can’be a fucking coincidence.”

She sighed, as she listened to the both of them trash talk Harry. She knew they weren’t true. They hadn’t met 6 months ago. They had met a year ago, and occasionally saw each other at awards and openings. They did some harmless flirting for so many months, but then, one day, they were drunk and hooked up. After that, they started to date. It was Harry’s idea, because he didn’t want her to feel like he did all that flirting to get in her pants one day. He genuinely liked her, and was hoping to ask her out. And that had felt like the perfect opportunity.

They had been happy ever since. Harry didn’t inquire too deeply about their family’s business. He wasn’t interested in her money and fame. He was interested in her. He liked her. Right?

“Y/n! Are you even listening?” she was broken from her trance of thoughts by her friend, and she immersed herself back into the conversation.

“You have got to do some background check on him. See what he does on meetings with his team. He just finished a tour, he wouldn’t be planning another one so soon. You know, snoop around, find out stuff.”

“I am not going to do that! That would mean I don’t trust him! And I do! I trust him. And what he does on meetings with his pr team is his Harry!!!business. I don’t want to put my nose in between.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Yeah. Say him hi from us if you see him soon. Or if you see him at all”

That hurt her.

True, they both hadn’t seen each other since a few days. Weeks, if you will. But, he told her that he was busy and had to visit his mum for a while. And how could she argue with that?

She decided to not answer them back, terminating any further arguments. They changed the topic soon after, talking about some other gossip.

. . .

Throwing her stuff on the floor, she slumped down on the bed. The workout was good, but sometimes, it drained the whole life out of her.

After catching her breath, she got up and pulled out her phone, pulling up Harry’s contact.

They had texted three days ago, and the messages made her smile,

Harry: Okay, so, do you like tea or not?

Y/n: I like tea. But not that much hat you will bring me a while shop of your “Special England tea”!!

Harry: It’s not even that much. Plus, I will drink it with you.

Y/n: But still???

Harry: Come on!!

Y/n: Alright, fine! But you will make tea for me. Every morning and evening.

Harry: Done! Always at your service, ma’am! 🫡 Plus, you know, tea has antioxidants. And it boosts immunity! I can make a cuppa for you everytime after we fuck.

Y/n: Harry!!!

Harry: What?? It really boosts energy. After one round, you feel so tired and—

Y/n: Alright, stop! You’re such a menace.

Harry: I’m your menace!! You took responsibility of this menace those months ago.

Y/n: Don’t make me regret that!

Harry: Aww :(( I’m sad now.

Y/n: Wanna facetime?

Harry: Yess! But I’m still sad :(( 🙁

Y/n: Yes, Harry. I will make it up to you! Now call before I change my mind.

Harry: Yes, ma’am 🫡

They used to text regularly, but called rarely. The last call had been about a week ago, when he was drunk and had butt-dialled her. They had talked, and she managed to safely halp him get to his room, drink water and go to sleep. And he slept without hanging up, and so did she. Harry woke up at midnight, and started sneezing, which woke her up. She wanted to check him for fever, but he promised he was okay, and was going back home soon after, so she didn’t have to worry afout him. She was a bit assured by that, but still, she couldn’t stopped worrying.

He hadn’t called ever since. Even the last one was a accident.

She wasn’t the clingy type, or someone who needed calling and texting every minute and every hour of the day. They both had professional careers that mattred to them profusely. But, she missed him. So, she decided to call.

He picked up, and was clearly in the middle of something.

“Y/n! How are you?” she didn’t hear them clearly, over all the talking in the background.

“Harry! Where are you?!”

“I’m in a meeting!”

“But-you were supposed to be at your mum’s!”

“Yeah! I came back early. I had a meeting her in LA. It’s about an upcoming film.”

“A film!?”

“Yeah. It’s in the talks. I haven’t signed it yet, though.”

“What is this about?!”

“I’ll tell you, I’m coming back sson. Then we can go on a dinner or something. And hey! I almost forgot! The production is done by your dad’s firm!! Isn’t that great!”

Shit.

“Oh! You-you didn’t tell me that.”

“Yeah, your dad asked me not to. But, it’s gonna be on the media soon, so I thought you hear it from me rather than the press.”

“Listen, I gotta go. I’ll talk later.”

“Sure, love! Bye!”

And she cut the call.

Were her friends right? Did he use her for all these months just for this?

Maybe they were. Maybe they weren’t.

She felt sad. Sure, the offer might’ve been by her dad, but, no one talked to her? No one even bothered to even tell her about it, till the last moment. Till the paparazzi were gonna know so that she won’t feel bad for herself by hearing it from them.

Maybe they were right. Maybe he did date her to get the advantage, and will soon breakup with her, as soon as his job from her is over.

As soon as he has finished using her.

. . .

He was coming back today. But, she wasn’t bothered. He could come, and go back to his own house. Not bother talking to her, or even seeing her face. She didn’t want that.

Despite that, she picked up his call.

“Y/n? You didn’t pick up my call yesterday. Was calling you before I got on the plane.”

“Yeah-I was kinda busy yesterday.”

“Oh. So? I’m back. I’m gonna get my baggage and then…maybe I can come over?” he smiled, she could tell.

“Uh-I don’t know, Harry. I’m tired. I had a shoot yesterday and I haven’t eaten much.”

“So? Let me take you to dinner.”

“I’d rather stay ion tonight”

“So I–”

“Alone.”

“Oh. Alright. Okay. Call me if you need me.”

I won’t. She thought to herself.

“Bye, Harry” not “Bye, lovie” or “Bye, H”

Maybe she was tired. Harry decided not to think about it too much, and instead, went to his house.

. . .

“Harry!! How’s my man?”

“Hey! I’m good! You know, same old-same old.”

“Yeah! Where’s Y/n? She isn’t here?”

“No, man. She actually wanted to rest today. She had a shoot yesterday”

“No, she didn’t. She was with us yesterday. We went shopping, and then drinks, even.”

“Oh…”

“Maybe she was tired? Or hungover?”

“Or maybe she didn’t want to be with me.”

“Hey! Don’t say that. She actually likes you. Talk to her.”

“Yeah. I will”

He didn’t talk to her.

. . .

Y/n was scrolling through her phone, when she heard the door knock.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Harry.”

She wanted to pretend she wasn’t here. But, it was too late for that.

“Coming!”

She opened the door, and was welcomed with white peonies. A lot of them.

“Good morning, love”

She couldn’t stop the smile that took over her face on seeing him in the morning. The glowy face, the handsome smile.

“Good morning! Come in”

He walked in, removing his shoes, and to the kitchen to put the flowers in water.

He came back, and she was sitting on the sofa.

“I put them in water. Hope you don’t mind”

“No! I don’t. Come on, sit.”

He sat, to hug her, and sling a hand over her shoulder.

But, she slid away.

So, he sat away too, both ending up on the opposite ends of the large sofa.

“So? How you’ve been?”

“I’m fine, thank you! How was your shoot that day?”

“It was alright.”

Lie. He didn’t bother asking her more, not wanting to hear more lies.

“You free today?”

“Yeah…I think so?”

“So, can we go out? A coffee or something?”

“Or, we can hang out here.”

She smiled. He caught it, and scooted closer, wanting to kiss her.

She didn’t protest, allowed his lips on hers. It was when he deepened it, and his hands went to her shirt buttons.

“Harry–Harry!”

He pulled back, confused.

“Yeah?”

I-I don’t really feel like– you know”

“Oh. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s alright. I just don’t feel too up for it”

“Sure.” they both looked down, an awkward silence engulfing the atmosphere.

“I should leave” he said after a few seconds, taking the hint that she clearly didn’t want him there.

“Oh. You don’t wanna stay?”

“Not really.”

Saying that, he saw his way out.

“She dosen’t like me anymore. Maybe found someone else.” he thought

“He got what he wanted. Why is he staying? He should leave already.” she thought.

Harry was sad. As he walked towards his car, he felt anger. She didn’t like him anymore. Could’ve just said to him at his face.

He couldn’t live like this. So, he decided to got back to confront her.

Before Y/n could close the door shut, Harry was back.

“Harry?”

“Yeah. Me.” he growled, so angry, his eyes were red, and fists clenched.

“What happened?” she asked, a bit scared.

“You tell me what happened. You don’t like me anymore?”

“That’s not–how can you say that?”

“You don’t talk to anymore, you don’t call me, or even text me. You don’t want to hang out with me, hell, you can’t even stand kissing me anymore.” he was hovering over her, and she was scared now. He realized that, and backed down, throwing himself on the couch.

“That’s not true! And you can’t talk like that to me!”

“I’m sorry. But you could just tell me. Instead of making me suffer like that. Or do you like that?”

She too was angry now.

“Maybe I do. Right now, I fucking do. And that is much better than what you did to me!”

“And what did I do?!”

“You used me. You fucking used me to get contacts with my family. You just wanted to get close to my dad so that you could use his money on your stupid new movie!!”

“What? Fuck! You think that low of me?!”

They both were yelling now.

“It’s not “thinking low” of you. It’s what’s true.. You didn’t even tell me anything. Hell, I didn’t even know you were doing another movie.”

“I was planning on telling you over dinner. After I came back.”

“But, you couldn’t. You feared that I would learn everything from the media, so you told me haphazardly over a fucking call!”

“Oh, so would you rather have heard it from them?”

“Could’ve been better. Better than hearing from a fucking liar. A fucking loser who just used me to get my father’s money.”

“Watch your tone, Y/n. I haven't gone that low. And you know that.”

“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you did, and once you got it, came back here to break up with me.”

“You’re so fucking childish!”

“Oh. Break up with me, then. Do it”

“Maybe I will” he mocked her. And walked out the door, slamming it shut.

He went back to his car, and made his way inside this time. Once the anger had subsided, he cried. And so did she.

. . .

“Harry styles rejected a movie produced by Y/n Pitt’s father. A coincidence or a desperate attempt?”

She slumped, when she read the article. and then about ten more, about how he had backed down in order to save his relationship. Some said that it was a publicity stunt.

She pulled up Harry’s contact, calling him.

"Why?"

"To get it off your mind that I did not use you."

"Fuck, Harry. What do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you. I want you."

"Really?"

"Yes, y/n. really. I did not give up a million dollar project for just "really""

"You didn't have to, you know. And that wasn't a good bargain either. What did you get? Me? Should've taken the movie instead."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah"

"You want me to break up with you. And take the movie instead.?"

"Yes. if that's what you want."

"What I want is you. How do I say it so you believe me?"

"Take me on a date."

. . .

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[heartybubs]

change

the 100 [ bellamy blake x reader ]

type : angsty, maybe a bit fluffy?

tropes: forced proximity, best friends to lovers

warnings: mentions of anxiety, heavy language, lowkey manipulative bellamy

in which bellamy blake and reader used to date but when he spiraled after octavia was arrested and his life fell apart, he distanced himself from her. after he begs her to trust him blindly and she does, they have to figure out their relationship on earth as neither of them is able to let it go.

a/n: hii, this is my first piece of writing in a loooong long time but i’m really enjoying the 100 again and i’ve noticed a severe lack of bellamy content on here, so i hope you like it! i don’t think i used any pronouns but i did use the term “girl” multiple times to describe reader! w.c.: 4.831

after octavia was discovered, he lost his job and his mum was floated, bellamy fell into a terrifying rabbit hole of depression. he lost himself with everything else in his life and instead of holding on to you, he wanted you to do better than him; so he ignored you. of course it made everything worse than it already was but it helped to tell himself he was actually saving you, despite seeing you fall apart piece by piece for months. he knew you'd get it together at some point, you had a great life going for you and he didn't want to risk you losing it at anytime soon, especially not because of him.

so when commander shumway approached bellamy and asked him to assassinate chancellor jaha in return of being able to go to earth with his sister and he said yes with barely any hesitation, he couldn't help but think about you, the girl he was so deeply in love with.

so now, bellamy was close to sprinting across the hall, giving his all to reach your door as fast as he could. he was going to earth, he had already shot the chancellor, but he couldn't leave you behind, no matter how hard he tried, not even after all those months of breaking your heart.

but just because he broke your heart that didn't mean he didn't love you the entire time.

you had taken the day off of guard duty, not feeling well as your three year anniversary with bellamy was approaching or, well, it would've if he hadn't abandoned you a few months ago.

although you tried your hardest to get it together, especially because you didn't want to risk your job as a guard on the ark, you couldn't just forget about bellamy. you had never loved anyone like him and no one had ever hurt you like he had.

there was aggressive knocking on the door, startling you immediately. you sighed frustratedly, there was no one who'd have time, or even want to, visit you in the middle of the day. especially not that desperately, since whoever was disturbing your peace got more and more aggressive with each knock.

you opened the door and before you could say anything, you were pushed into your room by a strong, all too familiar man. not being able to comprehend, you simply stared at the tan man in front of you, admiring his freckled face you had missed so much.

"bellamy? wha-", he cut you off, shaking his head frantically.

"look, y/n, this has gotta be really weird for you right now, but we have to leave. like, now. you have to come with me, okay?", although he was clearly stressed, there was a softness to be noticed in his voice that you knew all too well. you also recognized that he wasn't exactly asking you to come with him, he was telling you to.

"bellamy, what do you mean? you can't just come here and, and.. bellamy i don't understand! why are you wearing a guard’s uniform?", you rambled, looking at him more than desperate for answers. you knew that you would follow him anywhere but you didn't want to. you shouldn't after what he did to you.

he sighed, looking around nervously before taking a deep breath in and putting his hands on your cheeks. he held your face in his hands, pulling you a bit closer to him as he looked into your eyes.

"y/n, i beg you, you have to trust me, okay? i know i haven't been the best.. the best to you but if there's one thing you can do for me, even if it's the last time you ever help me out again, i need it to be today, right now", he noticed your big eyes, only now realizing that this might not work out and it scared him, terrified him even. "y/n..y/n, baby please. i'm begging you, begging. we don't have time, we need to go, please trust me, please y/n!"

"okay, bell."

you could tell how much this relieved him immediately and right as a little smile started showing, he pulled you out of your room, swiftly grabbing your necklace you always kept next to your keys and dragged you through the ark. it felt like you were running through the entire space station and when you finally slowed down, bellamy didn't give you a single second to ask questions.

he just motioned to you to be silent as he carefully pushed you towards something you recognized to be a dropship. your eyes widened in panic, what the hell was going on here.

"bellamy, serious-", he simply covered your mouth and shoved you into the dropship before closing the door. as panic overtook you and your breathing got heavier, your perception lessened. without bellamy pushing you around and doing whatever you needed to do for you, you wouldn't have gotten anything done.

you were clearly having a panic attack and while it hurt bellamy to not be able to help you get through right now, he had to prioritize your safety during the travel to earth and before you knew it, you passed out.

{ ~* }

you felt soft taps on your shoulder as you slowly regained consciousness. slowly raising your head before finally opening your eyes and looking around. you were still in the dropship but you were all by yourself, no sight of bellamy. of course.

the person who'd been trying to wake you was a boy you recognized as wells jaha, the chancellor's son. he looked at you, relief basically written all over him as you finally reacted to his attempts of waking you up. "i'm so glad you're awake, i almost thought you wouldn't wake up again. wait, let me help you out."

he started to unbuckle you, holding you up as you were still a bit weak from your intense panic attack. he could tell how confused you were immediately.

"i'm wells, you're a guard, right? why'd they send you to earth with us?", wells questioned as your eyes widened.

"earth?!", you repeated immediately, not believing what you heard and completely ignoring his question. you couldn't be on earth, it wasn't even going to be habitable for the next three generations so how could you be on earth now, alive?!

wells didn't really know how to react, he had expected you to know but you were just as, probably even more clueless than the delinquents. he decided not to engage in any more conversation, respecting your space as he figured you'd want some time to cope, as well as recovering from whatever made you pass out.

you were thankful for being left alone, slowly standing up and once you felt stable enough to walk to the hatch, you followed the ladder down. immediately you were met with the most beautiful sight you've ever seen.

tall trees, their roots covered in beautiful, bright green plants and, of course, many people all around the area.

you didn't care about them though, the only person you wanted to find was bellamy, he had to explain himself. what was he thinking, taking you to earth without even telling you?!

luckily, it didn't take you long to find him. he was talking to a girl much shorter than him; she had dark brown hair and bright blue eyes and although you hadn't seen her that well the last time, the day she was arrested, you were certain it was bellamy's little sister octavia.

you walked over to them, careful not to overestimate your strength yet and once bellamy noticed you, he got tense immediately.

"y/n, how are you?", he spoke up, seemingly interrupting octavia who simply looked at you curiously. while she had never really met you, she knew so much about you. everytime bellamy told her a story to fall asleep to, it was always about princess y/n and once she got older, he finally revealed that you were actually his girlfriend. she loved what she'd heard so far but she decided to lay low, not wanting to interrupt the two of you.

"i'm good. bellamy, what the fuck is going on, are we really on earth? you have to-", he sighed loudly before cutting you off. "i'm glad you're feeling good. you shouldn't stress yourself too much, you're probably still a bit weak, okay? enjoy earth."

the usual softness in his voice was all gone, leaving nothing, but unfamiliar coldness as he walked off. what the fuck was his problem.

"i should've known that he'd leave me again, why did i fucking come", you mumbled angrily. you really had every right to be angry at bellamy, but if you were being honest, you were probably way more disappointed than angered by the man who once loved you as much as you love him.

octavia looked at you confusedly, not being able to follow at all. "what do you mean again, you're y/n, his girlfriend y/n right?"

"i don't even know what i am to him anymore", you answered, feeling tears shoot up to your eyes. no, you couldn't cry about him anymore, you had wasted too many tears on his egoistic ass.

octavia's eyes softened, similarly to how bellamy's used to. she walked up to you and hugged you carefully, not wanting to disrespect your personal space beyond your liking. you hugged her back, appreciating her sympathy a lot and although you kinda didn't want to spend time with bellamy's younger sister, you didn't want to punish her for something out of her power. she had dealt with that too much already.

"my brother can be a real ass sometimes but he'll get over it, i think i know how much he loves you", she spoke softly, smiling at you. you smiled back at her but realized that she really had no clue how over the two of you were.

{ ~* }

days on days passed and not a single interaction between bellamy and you happened. you wanted to talk to him so desperately but whenever you approached him, he'd find a way to get away from you as soon as possible. it felt like you were back on the ark, trying to understand why your boyfriend of two years was suddenly ignoring and avoiding you.

you wanted to fight for his attention, you really tried to but when he set up a knife fight between john murphy and wells, you figured that you had to say goodbye to the idea of ever getting anything positive out of a conversation with him. the bellamy you once loved was probably gone for good and whatever egoistic, violent leader he had become now, was no one you wanted around you.

this time, you really had to get over him.

it honestly made you sick to watch him act like the born leader of the delinquents and it was almost worse to see them follow him blindly. he was leading them to do horrible things, he was clearly motivating their aggression and allowed them all to be terrible to each other.

of course you were angry, but it also confused you a lot. bellamy really terrified you, he was going down a path you couldn't follow and he wasn't anything like he used to be back in the ark, back when he was still your bellamy.

he used to be sweet, loving and caring but now it was so obvious that he was using the 100 delinquents to reach his own goal, you just couldn't figure out what goal that could be. another thing you were pretty confused about, was the fact he took you with him. when he begged you to come with him, he was so different. it almost felt like he loved you again, you were embarrassed to admit that you thought things would get better now, that everything would be like it was back then and you knew that you deserved better, no one, not even john murphy deserved to be treated like bellamy had treated you that past year. still, you just couldn't let him go, so you decided it was time for some distraction.

while you really enjoyed spending time with clarke, learning a bit from her medical knowledge, as well as simply making a new friend, you needed more. literally, you had no one besides bellamy, octavia and clarke and you didn't actually have any of them. you needed to make friends.

deciding to go against bellamy's orders to stay with clarke, something he hadn't told you personally, instead sending one of his little minions your way, you left the drop ship in search for something else to do. you weren't gonna let him tell you what to do, not if he didn't even have the balls to talk to you himself.

right as you left the dropship, you immediately spotted a tall boy with funny googles on his head walking towards one of the gates and decided to approach him. you remembered his name, joshua, or jasper.

"hey jasper", you smiled at him and he immediately smiled back. "hey y/n, i'm just heading out for the hunt."

you raised your eyebrow. hunt? that was perfect for you. not only did you ace pike's earth skills class, but you were also a trained guard. of all the people in your camp, it was safe to assume that you'd be the best at it.

"can i come too? i think i'd be a lot of help", you spoke nicely and without even thinking about it, jasper nodded. his smile grew as he was more than willing to spend some more time with you.

"i'm sure bellamy won't mind", he said and although you really didn't want to be around bellamy for once, it upset you even more that he couldn't even ask you to go with them. he knew just as well as you did that they needed you and that you were the best shot they had, probably even better than him since you actually finished your guard training.

you followed jasper out of the walls, stopping right outside as you joined the rest of the hunting trip. there were about seven unknown faces and of course bellamy’s. as soon as he saw you, he tensed up, leaving you to sigh annoyingly and roll your eyes.

"y/n get back inside the walls, it's not safe outside", he said, voice stern, motioning for you to turn around and go. you immediately shook your head.

"i'm gonna come with you guys, i'm literally your best shot and you won't even notice me, i'll be with jasper the entire time", you complained. he knew you wouldn't change your mind but he wouldn't risk your safety. bellamy trusted jasper but not with you, he trusted no one when it came to you. no one, not even yourself, would protect you as well as he would and although he had been avoiding you for days now, expecting to keep going until he knew you'd gotten over him completely, he had to be the one going with you.

"yea no, you're either coming with me or not at all, y/n. this is your first time outside the walls and i wanna make sure you find your way back home, alright?! however, if you don't want to go with me that's fine. stay back and help clarke then. got it?!", he was convinced he'd make you change your mind.

"fuck you, bellamy. really, let's just go already", you were angry. he was treating you like a complete stranger and you actually felt a bit embarrassed in front of the other people. what was he thinking talking to you like that in front of so many of the others, it was unnecessary.

he was caught by surprise by your response, less because of your words, but way more because you actually chose to come with them. he was so sure you would never want to be alone with him after all he had done but this just proved that it wasn't enough yet.

he should've known better than to expect you to just stop loving him that easily. hell, how could you get over him, if he couldn't even go a single hour without thinking about you.

"okay then", bellamy said before everyone split up and went into different directions. you followed him, making sure you stayed behind.

"you know damn well that i'd be a great help. should've gotten your shit together and asked me", you mumbled and although he heard what you said, he decided not to respond.

you two were walking for a pretty long time, killing some birds on your way. obviously that wouldn't be enough for the entire camp to eat so you kept going. there wasn't much talking done either, you were able to work together without speaking, you had always been able to.

of course it was awkward, but it went fine until a loud sound rang through the woods. bellamy turned to you immediately, eyes wide as he grabbed your wrist and started running. despite having never left the camp, you knew that this was an alarm to warn about the yellow fog that was incredibly toxic and even deadly.

the two of you ran as fast as you could until bellamy noticed something in the ground that looked like a door to a bunker. he immediately pushed you in front of him and told you to go in, following closely as he rushed to close the door before the fog could get you. bellamy turned on his flashlight while your breath was shaky as you put a hand up to your heart. your athleticism wasn't an issue, your anxiety however was.

"y/n, are you okay?", bellamy asked softly as approached you, reaching for your shoulder but before he could touch you, you backed away.

"bellamy stop, stop doing this", he looked at you with a questioning expression on his face. "you know what i mean."

he simply shook his head, lowering it before quietly saying "i'm sorry, y/n, but i really don't. i just wanna make sure you're okay."

you huffed, did he even believe his own words? you were annoyed by his obliviousness and slid down the wall, he did the same oppositely from you.

neither of you said anything for some time but with every minute that passed, you feared that he would leave the bunker at the first chance he'd get, ruining your only opportunity to have the conversation you've been wanting to have for almost a year now.

"look, bellamy.. i just don't understand how you could do what you did. you're confusing me", you explained quietly, not wanting to look at him yet.

"i know, i don't understand either", he spoke back and as your eyes met, you could tell he wasn't lying. "i was angry, angry at everyone, even you. and i know that it wasn't fair, i wasn't treating you how i should have but when i lost everything, i was ashamed. you deserved better than that and i knew you wouldn't just let me go."

"literally what were you thinking?!  i was with you through any hardships you ever had to go through. what made you assume id just leave you, what made you think that after two years with you, i'd just abandon you. what for?! having a sister? i'm not the fucking council, you should know me better than that", you were angry but you didn't want to yell at him, you wanted this to work.

he sighed, he didn't know what to tell you. of course you were right, he fully agreed but what good would him agreeing do?

"talk to me, bellamy", you basically begged.

"i'm sorry, y/n. i have never regretted anything as much as breaking your heart. you were on my mind every single day", he said truthfully, not being able to look into your eyes as he spoke until he lifted his head. "if i could turn back time, i would. i am so sorry for ruining what we had."

you stared into his eyes, giving yourself time to think about what he just told you. you'd do anything to go back to how things were, you missed bellamy so much.

"me too", you then admitted. "you know, it would've been our three year anniversary a few days ago", you said and laughed slightly. bellamy smiled at you, oh how he had missed your laugh.

"i know", he said and reached into his pocket. "i didn't get you anything new and i know that i can't just regift something i already gave you years ago but i grabbed this when i asked you to come with me and i just.. didn't have time to give it to you yet."

you listened curiously, watching him pull out a silver necklace he once gave you. your mouth and eyes widened in excitement, it was your favourite piece of jewelry ever since you'd gotten it, but when you realized you didn't have it on you, you were sure you'd never see it again and it made you incredibly sad.

"oh my god, you took it with you? thank you so much, bellamy! i was missing it already", you admitted, excitement lacing your voice. he smiled again and handed you your necklace you put on immediately.

you smiled down at yourself, carefully grabbing the star charm.

"i missed seeing you like this, you are so beautiful, y/n", bellamy spoke quietly, you simply halted in your movement. your eyebrows were raised slightly as you looked at him, what was he doing?

"y/n, i know that i don't deserve your forgiveness, fuck, i don't even deserve you! but please, i'm begging you to forgive me for what i did. i don't expect it to be easy, but-"

"why did you ask me to come with you, bell?", you interrupted him. it took him a second before he chuckled and looked to the side, then focusing on you again.

"i spent so many months ignoring you, thinking i was making things so much better when i actually ruined us. i already told you that i thought about you every single day and i knew i wouldn't survive to go down here without you", he explained. "i know that it was incredibly selfish of me to bring you here and at first i didn't want to because i didn't want to expose you to all these dangers earth might bring. i wanted you to do better than me, that's why i distanced myself from you, but i was a fool to think this would work. the hold you have on me and my life is actually insane, y/n. when i had the opportunity to protect my sister and to take you down with me, i just-"

"wait, bellamy, why are you even here in the first place", you questioned. there was no way you wouldn't know about his mission but a janitor did.

his expression changed immediately, his jaw tensed and you could tell how scared he was to tell you, but he also didn't want to lie to you. not right now, not apart of this conversation.

"y/n, i messed up, okay.. i did things i regret and leaving you wasn't my only mistake, but i couldn't let my sister go to earth unprotected, alright? i had to make sure she was safe", he rambled immediately, panic lacing his voice. you on the other hand, only got more suspicious of him. "i shot chancellor jaha on shumway's request."

your eyes widened in shook, you couldn't believe what you just heard. "what, i-"

you wanted to be upset at him so bad but something in you couldn't. "is he.."

"i don't know, that was the goal", he answered quietly, not daring to look up.

"oh my god, bellamy! are you kidding me, you can't just shoot the chancellor, you can't shoot anybody actually!"

"y/n, i know, please. i know that i messed up but i can't change it anymore", he sighed before running his hand through his hair. by now, it was finally curly and loose again and you couldn't help but notice how good he looked. but that wasn't the point, not at all.

"do you though? you changed, bellamy. you have become someone i don't recognize, whats gotten into you?!", you got up from the ground, looking around helplessly. "first you shoot the chancellor and then you lead these kids in the aggressive way you do. do you even notice what you're creating?", at this point you were yelling, you didn't care anymore.

"y/n don't yell at me", he said but you just shook your head. he got up and approached you but you backed away like earlier.

"for fucks sake, stop telling me what to do! you're not my leader, if anything, you're my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend. hell, i don't even know what we are because you didn't have the fucking balls to actually break up with me before being an asshole. i have every right to yell at you", you hissed and you could see how much your words hurt him but bellamy wasn't gonna stay quiet this time.

"i never broke up with you because i didn't fucking want to. i didn't treat you like it but fuck, y/n i love you", he was raising his voice as well now.

"loved, you loved me, you don't anymore", you said and it seemed like this time, you went too far.

"shut the fuck up, y/n. don't say shit like that, don't disrespect me like that", he yelled at you, knowing full well that your disrespect wasn't even comparable to what he put you through. "don't accuse me of not loving you because i could never stop loving you. there wasn't a single day in the past five years where i didn't love you and you know that this is true, we both do!"

you bit your lip as you tried to calm yourself. the adrenaline was overwhelming at this point but still you somehow knew that he was right. you believed him.

"and you don't have to forgive me for what i did and for the way i'm leading these kids but you know damn well that i'd do anything for you and that i love you", his voice was softening again as he was calming down too. "and i know that you're not over me. you wouldn't have come with me, if you didn't love me at least a little bit."

you took a deep breath in, he was right. of course he was, but you couldn't just forgive and forget.

"y/n, baby, i'm not asking you to forget what i did, please don't. i just wanna know that i am right and that i still know you and most importantly; that i didn't ruin your life even more when i brought you down here", his voice got quieter and you could even hear it breaking towards the end of his sentence.

"yes, bellamy i still love you", you simply admitted, sad eyes meeting his right before he pulled you into his arms.

you didn't resist because you needed this, it was what you'd been seeking for all these months.

bellamy was relieved that you still loved him. he didn't expect everything to magically be amazing again but he knew that he hadn't lost you yet. he still had a chance for redemption and he was going to fix things. he was going to be a better man for you.

his strong arms were wrapped around you tightly, holding you against his chest as he also enjoyed feeling your touch again.

"i love you so much, y/n. i'll fix everything, okay? i will never hurt you ever again and we can work through this, if you want to. i missed you so much, baby", he said. his hand was now holding your cheek as he looked into your glossy eyes.

you nodded, believing him again.

you were hoping that he was saying the truth, that he would never mess it up again. you just wanted to love him again, but you weren't stupid, things, he would have to change first.

[sssammich]

Platonic breakfast ritual (prompt)

oh what's up anon thanks for sending me this prompt

you didn't give me a ship so i just picked my own to write for so hope it's cool i wrote it for swan queen. if not, just come back and i'll do something else haha

thanks!

---

It’s temporary, this thing. This current arrangement that they have while Emma finds a new place to live away from the loft—cramped and cacophonous; too full a house with a new baby. She doesn’t think too deeply about how she feels about it, pretends her heart doesn’t throb and ache at being displaced and replaced once again. It's a noxious thought to keep, so she does her best to clear it out of her.

So, yes. The arrangement to stay at the mansion until she sorts out her affairs. Yet Emma is not exactly rushing to end it. Not when the choreography of her waking hours brings about a certain comfort that she does not want to relinquish, happening in a place that devastatingly feels more like home than she has ever felt in all the decades of her life. In a place that isn’t hers to claim, but for now she’ll pretend because the walls are present and the sheets are soft. 

It is inconveniently pleasant to wake up rested at Regina’s house in one of her massive guest bedrooms. It is even more so when she languidly makes her way down the stairs and towards the kitchen where she first gets a whiff of food being made, and the lingering scent of coffee in the air. The rest of her senses catches up to her when she hears whatever Regina is cooking just as she inevitably sees Henry already sitting in front of his breakfast plate, fork in one hand and comic book in the other as if it’s the morning newspaper. 

“Good morning, Ma,” he offers, his eyes never once straying from the page. She shakes her head, but greets him in turn. 

“Morning.” Then, she casts her eyes up at Regina and offers her a smile. “Good morning, Regina.” 

“Good morning, dear.” Regina accompanies her gentle morning greeting with an offered plate brimming with food right in front of the seat that Emma has deemed as hers during her stay. Despite Regina’s frequent comments about Emma’s abhorrent appetite and etiquette, she’s there enabling Emma with a full plate. Emma notices, of course, but doesn’t say anything for fear that Regina will change and give her one less hash brown in the stack. 

Still, even as her mind slowly eases into the morning, she doesn’t immediately take her seat at the table. Instead, she heads towards the coffee bar—which is literally just the far end of the kitchen counters where there’s one of those fancy single-serve coffee machines. She sets to brewing herself a cup since that’s the only machine she’s allowed to touch; the Italian espresso machine beside it is off limits. For the best, Emma thinks. 

Once her coffee is done, Emma lets the mug sit to the side and plucks another mug out of the cupboard, repeating the steps, waiting quietly while the machine cranks and whirrs and gurgles before the dark sea of coffee fills the new mug. It is the first full cup that Regina has in the morning, the first dose of caffeine coming from the espresso machine that Regina handles herself upon rising. Emma only skirts the edges of her thoughts at what it means to have Regina trust her to make her first cup of coffee for the day. Yet on that first morning she'd received the request, Regina only arched a brow and exasperated teasingly, "surely, you can't completely flub up making coffee."

Emma doesn’t move in place, uncharacteristically settled on her feet, her arms folded across her chest as she waits. Not wanting to break the tranquil silence, she doesn’t say anything, and neither do the others in the kitchen. It’s a quiet morning, but comfortable and companionable. Normally when things are too quiet, she gets restless as if she must fill the space herself or excuse herself entirely. But the last week at Regina’s place has given her more peace than she’d gotten in months, and she hates that by the end of this upcoming week, it’ll be gone again. Still, she doesn’t think too hard on this. 

For now, she grasps both the filled mugs and places them on their respective placemats as she’s done almost everyday this week. She sits in her chair and she waits until Regina does the same. She offers the other woman a shy grin, perhaps more tender than she’d intended (she’ll simply blame the morning hours for it if pushed) and Regina returns it, the gentle smile across Regina’s face splitting her face so beautifully.

The three of them sit like a family that Emma has always wished for and eat breakfast together.

[jordifaedia]

oh yeah, pluma operation record analysis time. let's go.

content warnings: spoilers for la pluma's oprec; general lore about pluma, dossoles holiday. this will be divided into two sections, because read the header for this post, also pluma is referred to as 'pluma' instead of 'la pluma' or 'rafaela' throughout this post if you even care.

I. the la pluma analysis

there are multiple things you learn about la pluma in her operation record; she's a daughter of many (not blood related), she dislikes trouble, and she and pancho have a more seemingly closer bond than pancho does with tequila.

the general summary of the operation record is that la pluma is at dossoles, there's a couple people who want to break her dad out of jail, and she has to try and stop that before candela's guards well.. you know, kill them or try to imprison them.

"why can't she just let them go break her father out of jail?" while la pluma is extremely close to her father, and i personally think that even if she loves him deeply and wishes he was probably by her side.. that doesn't mean she wants him to be broken out of prison! listen, you can love your family members as much as you want but when you know they're in trouble for something. you know they have to pay the consequences for it. also, a free dad at the cost of dead true bolivarian soldiers? yeah no, not worth it (in pluma's eyes, in which it's pretty implied that the bolivarian soldiers are close to her. see photos below)

right, so what makes la pluma's operation record different from, i don't know, everything else about her?

in her operation record you learn that this takes place a little after, or shortly after (like hours, maybe) tequila's own oprec. so there's a timeframe for you.

in order to understand tequila, you have to understand one thing. do. not. seperate. the. dossoles. siblings. like, not even in a "they're a duo so cute!" way, no like there's a crap ton of lore about tequila in la pluma's oprec and his family, and there's lore in tequila's file about la pluma. in order to understand one character, you have to go to the other. that's how deeply connected they are. even if you want to like one character solely out of the duo, you're going to have to go to the other persons file and find information about them that you can't find through their sole file/oprec. because yes, that's how much they care about each other.

you learn that the flower that was pinned on pancho's wife's chest was a lilac, which i already talked about it's significance in another post. you also find out small quirks about pluma, like that she can still make some pretty damn good food, and that she's just genuinely kind-hearted despite you know.. being apart of the salas family.. having to kill others. all that jazz.

pluma manages to show kindness towards everyone in the oprec, despite the fact that yes, they're trying to break her papa out of prision. and she doesn't want that to happen obviously, yet it's clear that she still.. cares for everyone that's trying to go through the stupid plan. she doesn't want them to get hurt, she doesn't want them to come home dead. we don't know if tio, or the other soldier have a family back at home (though, i wouldn't be surprised if they do) and for them to give up their lives for said family would be heart wrenching.

pluma, despite being considered 'aloof' by most, is smart. she knows that if they go ahead with this plan, they'll end up just making pancho pay the price even more. candela is keeping a close eye on pluma anyways, since she kept talking to the true bolivarian soldiers, which had already settled as a red flag in her eyes. pluma knows that candela doesn't really trust her after the events of dossoles holiday. you know, where candela basically found out pancho including his children plotted to blow up a fucking city behind her back, and they could of gotten away with it almost. sort of. not really.

i'm not the best at explaining things, so i have to bring up a major point to follow smaller points. so here, i'll go with a big point. it is a massive misconception that pluma is "air-headed" like, only filled of pure air. and that is solely because of poor writing in dossoles holiday, as well as the fact in her voicelines.. it's just unironically doctorbait for those who go goo goo ga ga heart eyes at her. which yeah, i don't mind that. pretty women deserve to be loved, but people don't really understand her character beyond that point. luckily, pluma's oprec helps clear up some of these misconceptions. and provides a bigger view on pluma as a whole instead.

you learn about the things i've already told you, she's the emotional bandage between the rip that was left by mrs. salas's death, she's a daughter, a sister, and a good caretaker at that too. she genuinely cares for those around her, and does not like the idea of resorting to criminal acts (most likely because of dossoles holiday, and the bad association with them.) and oh boy, does she make this clear to the reader.

pluma has a strong connection to her family, after all this entire oprec is mostly centered around her family if you haven't noticed. she wants to be involved in family affairs, she wants to be understood. however, most of the time people undermine her consistently and just assume "she's a little girl", and that "she doesn't know what she's doing" basically, even though.. like i said before, that's not true. she's smart, she knows what she's doing. and there's always a reason why she does the things she does. this is one of her major conflicts as a character, is the fact that everyone wants to continue thinking of pluma as some sweet innocent angel who got dragged into war, when she isn't.

innocent? no. angelic? far from it, she assisted helping tequila and pancho attempt to blow up a city. sweet? yeah, that's pretty true. even so, she was a child soldier. of course she was innocent back then, what do you expect children to be like? but even so, she went into dossoles holiday with a clear mind, knowing what to do. she wanted to help her papa, and her brother, and help the true bolivarians with their victory. there is no "she's the damsel in distress", because she never was in distress in the first place. in her files, she literally says she wanted to be apart of the plan because she kept getting pissed off that she was being left out practically.

in the best words possible, she is a hard shell to break. she doesn't give up, and when she knows what's best for her, she will keep pushing through until she reaches her goal. most people are under the impression that la pluma doesn't have a single clue on what's she's doing, and that she's just some airheaded little sister (which feeds into the mischaracterization of pluma that is already rapid across the fandom.) she's not, hope this helps!

also to note, candela also knows that pluma is not some "sweet behaved" girl that her brother (tequila) seemingly told her, which should say enough by itself.

but even despite the fact she's aware of the consequences of helping her brother, for continuing to affiliate with the true bolivarians past dossoles holiday, and just.. i don't know, existing? she's still a girl.

la pluma's operation record provides answers to unanswered questions, (ex. what flower is pinned on mrs. salas' chest, what is pluma's relationship with her father, what happened after pancho went to jail, etc) but it also still manages to not be purely about pluma's family. because as much as she's associated with them, and they're a pretty big portion of her character.. she's still her own being.

la pluma has emotions. she gets sad, mad, happy, all of the above or some other feeling i didn't list. she's still human despite the fact people see her as a hardworking woman on the battlefield, protecting herself and her brother. or whether people still think she's some aloof cute scythegirl, she's much more under the surface.

when she defeats pancho's soldiers, it is obviously stated in the above image that she was crying. sobbing? no, just a couple tears. it's clear to the reader that pluma had no intentions of wanting to hurt tio, or people she considered close to her. in fact, it seems like that thought entirely probably was a thought she never wanted to conclude to.

she could of let them attempt to save pancho from jail, possibly get injured or even worse die, but she doesn't. she wants to keep them alive, and hope they eventually change their ways (obviously this doesn't happen, as they try to keep going with the plan yet fail miserably due to pluma probably hurting them herself.) pluma knows the only way despite her internal feelings is to either:

as you can tell, she picked option b. while we don't know what exactly caused her to cry, we can assume one thing. it was most likely because she felt bad for hurting them, or just doing a 'bad' act (not the best wording, trust me on this one)

a) try to resolve this through conversation (doesn't work)

b) step in yourself and even if it hurts them, stop them (works)

she doesn't want to be, i suppose, 'the bad guy'. but when push comes to shove, she has to do whats right. even if it contains hurting those around her. however, it's not like that'll have no consequences on herself.

between the dossoles siblings, you can safely say pluma can be considered the more emotional one out of the two. while tequila does in fact have his own emotional moments, he masks it all under this "happy-go-lucky" mask, compared to pluma who doesn't really repress what she's feeling. she is more empathetic, at least.

under tequila's mask is a more hardened, blunt soul compared to pluma, who i'd like to say is like slime. she's solid, unlike water, yet she can still be meshed around. just like her emotions, she can be tough while maintaining her true feelings about situations. sometimes, those feelings will arise.

i wouldn't say pluma hates violence in its entirety because that would be wrong. what she hates is people being a threat to her family, or hurting those close to her.

"but she hurt tio, as well as another soldier." when people you love are doing stupid shit and are too far deep in for conversation, and trying to get them out of said shit peacefully doesn't work, it's okay to be a little mean. it's okay to raise your sword. sometimes, you need to be a little harsh on an individual so they can get it through their head.

as nearing the finality of the oprec, the themes of family grow louder and louder. it becomes clear to the viewer that the assumption people have from a skim in pluma's files begins to become.. something else. she's confident, and knows what she's doing. and you get to see her care for her family even more than she already has during the final scene of her oprec, in which she purchases lilacs for her family, the same flowers that were associated with tequila's mother's death.

III. final thoughts/conclusion (misc thoughts)

a must-read, pluma's oprec is a read you have to read in order to understand both tequila a little more, but especially pluma on. the amount of screentime she got in dossoles holiday was humiliating, and did her so dirty that people can't even seem to understand her correctly. luckily, pluma's oprec attempts to amend those poor writing tatics used in dossoles holiday, and make it much clearer that she has a bigger impact on tequila and his father than expected.

they're not going to rewrite dossoles holiday and release it as a 'rerun of a rerun' as much as i want that medal set, and better characterization of pluma, plus many more factors. so, you have to make do with what you have.

pluma in general, is a lovely character. her design is unique, and isn't too complex that it becomes an eyesore. the color pallete choice is wonderful, pleasing on my eyes, and her personality itself is very adorable. and i really like how family-associated she is. i really do wish more people liked her, and i know most of the time people are quick to brush her under as 'fanservice for the doctor' or 'tequila's little sister', but she's seriously interesting.

so yeah. go read her oprec.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Katara comforts Aang when he found gyasto dead and lost appa =momtara /emotional labor aang is obviously an abuser

Mai not comforting Zuko in awakening in a way that makes him happy =abusive girlfriend she should have comforted zuko better, because she can totally get rid of his guilt over iroh and katara could do it better.. despite us its toxic how she has she to comfort aang

Zutaras: having logic and not having double standards , not possible

And don't forget:

Katara always speaking her mind even when people think she's wrong/obnoxious/stupid for it, going against Pakku for saying what she can or cannot be, and not letting Zuko get away with being a dick to her or others: Girlboss! Feminist icon! Deserved so much better than the (perfectly happy) ending she got in canon!

Mai always speaking her mind even people think she's wrong/obnoxious/stupid for it, resenting her parents and Azula for saying what she can or cannot be, and not letting Zuko get away with being a dick to her or others: What a selfish, petty, self-centered, ignorant, cold-hearted, sociopathic bitch! Can't believe the show let her get away with this shit!

Katara showing compassion and empathy for Zuko and offering to heal his scar even after he spent months chasing her and her friends around the world, with the explicit intention of capturing one of said friends and keep him hostage forever/kill him, and to help his nation continue to oppress the rest of the world: Such a kind, wise character! Such a lovely, meaningful moment!

Mai saving Zuko's life even after he broke up with her through a letter because he was one of the few people that liked her for who she was/would not abuse his power over her like Azula does: God, what a pathetic loser that throws her whole life away for a guy.

Kataang and Maiko PDA: Obnoxious, forced and stupid.

Zuko tying Katara to a tree/Katara touching Zuko's scar with the explicit intention of healing it, nothing more than that: such a hot/tender, intimate moments that show how much chemistry these two characters have!

Zuko getting violent and snapping at Mai because some guy she did not even pay attention to seemed to be into her, then trying to make a move on her after she literally shouted "LEAVE ME ALONE!": How dare MAI be such a bad girlfriend! Zuko deserves better!

Aang kissing Katara after she said she isn't sure how she feels, immediately regreting it: What an entitled, abusive creep!

Zuko nearly dying to save Katara's life: The most romantic thing in the world!

Aang giving up absolute power because he had a vision of Katara being captured: Why is he so OBSESSED? This is not romantic!

Zuko choosing to support his imperialist, racist nation that he just heard deeply traumatized Katara by killing her mother: He is madly in love with Katara and fiercely protective of her. Sourse "trust me, bro."

Aang temporarely letting go of Katara because if he doesn't they're all gonna die: See? He doesn't actually care about her! It's all there in the canon!

Katara healing Zuko, saving his life, and him being very grateful to her for it: How beautiful! Best scene of the entire show!

Katara healing Aang, bringing him back from the dead, and him being very greateful to her for it: She's not your personal doctor, you asshole! What an abusive, unequal dynamic!

Zuko not seeming to remember Katara's existence outside of "girl that travels with the Avatar" for 5/6 of the show: Totally doesn't mean he is not in love with her! Why do people call this ship fanon?

Zuko breaking up with Mai because he'll be going on a dangerous mission he felt would not be fair to drag her into, and smiling like a dork just because he got a chance to talk about her: He CLEARLY doesn't love her! Why does anyone like them as a couple?

Zuko needing emotional support very frequently because he is a victim of verbal, psychological and physical abuse: Poor thing! He deserves someone who loves and understands him!

Aang needing emotional support very frequently because nearly everyone he knew and loved died suddenly, he is struggling with survivor's guilt, and now shoulders the burden of needing to save the whole world despite being just a kid: God, what a baby, grow up!

Zuko being an imperialist prince for most of his life and betraying Katara in Ba Sing Se, leading to the death of one of her friends: He is a completely innocent child that indoctrinated into thinking these things were fine! The adults are to blame! Katara really can't hold any of this against him!

Sozin choosing to kill every air-nomad and start a war, and Azulon then choosing to order the raids on the Southern Water Tribes: Does this mean Kya's death was Aang's fault? It think it does. If only this 12-year-old that was not even a fully powered Avatar yet had not freaked out after nearly everyone around him disregarded his wants and needs completely! Such a selfish, awful character that never faces any consequences for anything! How could Katara ever be friends with him, let alone date him?

[brujahinaskirt]

This is barely coherent as a meta post but I have to get it out because aaaaaah (!!!!) I love, i REALLY LOVE, how much Arthur loves Abigail.

Jack too, of course, but I don't want to lump them together for the sake of this post. I specifically love the non-romantic but deeply true love dynamic between Arthur and Abigail.

[yet another longwinded gush-essay under the cut...]

It's just so rare to see a relationship like this in media, especially games! They love each other without embitterment, without either of them secretly wanting to pursue the other, and without any tacit expectation of repayment (or hope of romantic feelings developing one day).

I don't dislike Arthur x Abigail as a ship in theory so much as I just love the nonsexual, no-debts, no-expectations unconditional family love and loyalty between them WAY more. Even Arthur's diary entry about how he regrets being too caught up on Mary to do the culturally/historically "right" thing and marry Abigail (especially now, after Jack is born/John runs off...) is, to me, transparently more about how much Arthur personally adores Abby & Jack and the hope they represent, and how much he wants to see someone do right by them, than it is about Arthur having some kind of hypothetical secret crush on Abigail.

All their interactions are so devoid of sexual desire or romantic longing! Hell, they're often annoyed with each other, the sort of teasing & snappy attitude that comes from knowing someone so well and being assured that a pissy day won't fray the relationship. I love the familiarity of that alone, but there's also just so much sweetness and genuineness in how Abigail asks Arthur if he's okay, in how she smiles when he comes to say hi to her and Jack, and in how openly she allows herself to sound really sad around him. There's so much care and selfless love in how she encourages him to pursue Mary (to follow his heart, like her) despite what the other women at camp say, and despite knowing that Arthur successfully fulfilling his dream of a life with Mary would assuredly end (or at least massively reduce) his ability to economically provide for Abigail & Jack and to be there for them physically.

aaaah!!!! There's so much obvious and unrestrained warmth and affection in how Arthur says "Hello Abigail." There's so much openly petty sulking when Abigail loses at dominoes to Arthur and equally petty bragging when she wins!! There's so much benevolent planning on her part to arrange for Arthur and Jack to spend time together just the two of them (even though Arthur makes an incredibly weak and see-throughable effort to sulk at her re: being nudged aside by John's return). And yet she takes so much care to continue incorporating Arthur into their weird wounded little family even after John's return. There's no hesitation in Arthur's frequent checking on Abigail & Jack (and making sure John isn't mistreating them) and helping her raise him (though critically, NOT as a father replacement, but as Uncle Arthur). And there's no hesitation when Abigail comforts Jack by reminding him that she and Uncle Arthur are always there for him, even if his father isn't.

AAAAAAH!! There's so much trust and concern between them, ending with Abigail's signature choice to trust Arthur by giving him the key, essentially choosing to trust him more than she trusted John, the man she's in love with. There's so much genuine fear in Arthur's eyes and reluctance to break her heart by giving her the news of John's apparent death/capture, even though he knows he has to do it, and there's so much unspoken understanding between them when he gestures to help her off the horse--and in her acceptance, as if she knows he needs to try to comfort her physically because he can't find the words to comfort her. (And yet, he does! He instinctively knows EXACTLY what Abigail needs to hear, a surehearted confirmation that John DID love her, something that Arthur himself has long doubted and worried over, but that he clearly sees Abigail needs to get through that awful moment without collapsing. He knew her deep-set fear, that John died without ever really loving her and it it was all for nothing, and provided her with the faith she needed to keep moving.)

Though Abigail loves John, no question, she doesn't yet trust John in RDR2. But Arthur? Arthur is the one she trusts. Abigail knows Arthur will never run out on her, and Abigail welcomes Arthur in as family (again, critically, as Uncle Arthur, not as a John Replacement) in a way he badly wanted & needed to experience but likely never would.

Rockstar could so easily have made Arthur into John's bitter, crusty, desire-driven rival for Abigail's romantic attention. That was assuredly perhaps the easier/more obvious/lower-hanging-fruit writing decision. But they deliberately made the choice to avoid desire as a component of their attachment to each other, they just leaned into the family devotion. Screw you Dutch, this is the REAL faith in rdr2, and that's goddamn beautiful.

aaaah i can't get over it

[ae-neon]

Idk if you like unsolicited opinions in your inbox but I desperately need to be heard, and I know you also have opinions on rewriting these books so here goes nothing (this is a ramble and also kinda long, so don’t come for my grammar thanks and my bad lol). If I were the author, I would have made this story (the first book at least) about love. Much like the original one is, but a different one.

Amarantha loved her sister dearly, and her sister loved a human. Then, her sister was killed by that human (if I’m remembering the facts correctly). And Amarantha, who loved no one and nothing but her sister, drowned in her grief. She sought revenge against Jurian, but that wasn’t enough. Just killing him wasn’t enough. She had to carve a hole in his heart, one that could match the one he had carved onto hers. So she sets her visions on the lands south of the wall. The human lands, which he so desperately had wanted to protect. Humans that, just like Jurian, can only ever lie and have never loved anything in their lives as much as she loved her sister. She feels justified in her anger towards the humans in this way.

BUT, the fae cannot lie (bcs they’re the fae) and their vows are binding. The humans and fae have an agreement: that the fae keep to the north of the wall and the humans to the south.

Amarantha knows she can’t just waltz into prythian and go over the wall, because she’s fae and the vow extends to her. She doesn’t have to uphold that agreement, but the high lords do, and they would never allow her to break their (and their predecessor’s) word.

So she tricks them. She’s a diplomat, an ambassador, until she reveals herself to be an enemy, but by then it’s too late and they are under her curse.

But tamlin, whose mother was a human who sang by the wall and enchanted his father, argues against amarantha’s reasons: he says humans can love truthfully, just like she loved her sister, and he is living proof of that.

So amarantha makes a deal. If he can prove her wrong, then the curse is broken. If a human, who has every reason to hate a fae, comes to love one, then he wins.

And things go in a similar way to the originals story, except towards the end.

Even if feyre had gone utm with tamlin and proclaimed her love for all to hear, amarantha would simply say she’s lying, because it is in a human’s nature to lie, and their words can never be trusted. But she extends a different challenge for feyre to prove herself.

And amarantha is smart. She’s a war general, she has lived for centuries, she has made every high lord bend to her will. She wouldn’t give a simple riddle to a human. At the very least, she would challenge her to a duel. Because there’s no way feyre’s scrawny ass can even lift a sword, much less fight a centuries-old general.

And they fight, and amarantha plays with and taunts feyre, because she enjoys being proven right.

But then, nesta and elain show up. They’ve come to save their sister, because despite it all, they still love each other, and nothing will change that (their relationship and the matters of helping around the house are also changed in this version so).

Amarantha is furious. Not because they showed up, but because she has been proven wrong. Because all it took for her to realize that humans can love truthfully is for the archeron sisters to show her. Because she sees in them the same love she held for her own sister.

And in her rage, she deals the final blow to feyre. But that does nothing, because she knows, deep in herself, even if she doesn’t speak it, that she was wrong, and humans can love truthfully and deeply, and the curse is broken.

She fights and fights, but in the end she dies, and there’s a sort of relief as she goes, because now there’s no more holding the weight of grieving wherever she goes. Now she can see her sister again.

Feyre is reborn and all that jazz.

But in the end, it was not her love for tamlin (or amarantha’s) that drove the story, but the love between sisters and their unbreakable bonds. It was not because or for a man, but because of sisters and other women.

(Riceman also doesn’t really pay a big part is this version, but then again his cannon self is insufferable. If he were to be here, he would be very different).

And maybe feyre doesn’t go back to the spring court to marry tamlin, and she doesn’t get dragged around by men so she can be a part of the plot. Maybe it’s her own determination to reverse the fae rebirth, to become human again and live as she lived with her sisters south of the wall, that drives the plot forward as she searches for a way (and stumbles upon tales of the cauldron and its powers and second book stuff).

Oh Anon you've hurt and healed me 💚

You and anyone who knows my blog, know I can go on and on about fixing this series and I love everything you just said

[In the still MIA rewrite, I have planned to have Amarantha working on bringing Clythia back, compounded with her unnatural immortality - she starts obsessing and losing her mind]

Also I am forever maintaining my Amarantha was the Queen of Hybern theory - I'm convinced Amarantha was the series original overarching antagonist and that Rhysand was originally the evil High King.

Because just like you said, it's about women and sisterly love. Feyre was supposed to be the hero and Amarantha was supposed to be the villain

Instead, for the sake of a bad romance, they get replaced by men and suddenly it's Rhysand Vs The King of Hybern

The nameless KoH had no reason to turn Nesta and Elain into Fae but Amarantha would if she were trying to prove a point. If she were trying to prove to even just herself that human hatred overruled their love, then turning the people Feyre loved most into Fae would make sense

Instead we get KoH creating two god level creatures to form a (fake) alliance with other humans...even though he wants to enslave humans... and then he immediately loses these two living nuclear weapons to the people he had no trouble incapacitating without even getting up from his chair... IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE

Even Jurian's resurrection is more tied to Amarantha and Feyre than it is to the King of Hybern and Rhysand.

[rowenas-megacoven]

Bauklötze is such an amazing song. It can be interpreted as if it’s about Eren, everything he lost when the wall fell and what he became because of it.

But recently, when looking at both contexts in which it was used, I think it can also be interpreted as a giant metaphor for the true Survey Corps but especially Levi and his heart. The first time it was used was when the original Squad Levi, especially Petra from what I can remember, was begging Eren to trust in them. Eren does and it all goes tragically wrong and Levi’s looses some of his most beloved companions.

The next time we hear it, it’s Hange’s outro song. She wants Levi and co. to trust her decision to buy them enough time and this time, it goes tragically right. She succeeds but she dies in the process - and she’s the last of Levi’s most beloved companions from a time the rest of them can’t remember.

“I like playing with blocks, I build carefully with bricks. Take a look at my empty box of bricks.” A wall has been built, slowly, purposefully, around someone’s heart. “You innocently break my wall down with dirty hands.” Despite how distant Levi tries to be because of previous loss, he can’t help letting people in and he cares deeply despite the inevitable pain. The dirty hands bit - the lyric also really fits with Bert being an innocent kid with blood on his hands, but there’s also Levi with his comrades, soldiers covered in dirt and blood and grim and Hange is known to neglect her personal hygiene without Levi’s intervention.

“And that day was a fiery sunset.” In contrast to the breaking of the wall, the day Levi lost Hange in the Anime was a fiery sunrise. “I hide the blocks from you. A sad memory of my childhood.” The loss of his mother, his first loss from what we know, what caused his first wall. He’s hiding the blocks from the broken wall, hiding how much it hurts to lose someone, Isabel, Farlan, his first squad, Erwin, now Hange.

“Is that the destroyer or the creator?” Eren with all manner of things he could do with access to the founder, he’s using it to destroy the world and create a new one for loved ones who don’t want him to commit such a massive atrocity in their names. “With the fervour of hate, we weild our swords. Is that our fate or our will? We’ll fight until the hot wind takes our wings away.” Don’t even get me started on that final line. That’s Hange, through and through. She’s the only one who wears the classic Survey Corps cape in that episode, wings of freedom on the back. It’s the first thing to catch fire from the heat of the wall colossal titans. It’s so damn literal. I can’t help but wonder if Isayama based her outro around this line or if Isayama had any say in what kind of lyrics he wanted in certain songs.

“I don't put anything into the box of bricks. I don't want to lose anything. I hide the toy blocks from you. I carefully build walls of bricks again” he doesn’t want to lose Hange but he’s hiding how much her decision is hurting him so as not to disrupt her bravery or interfere with her choice. He’s so used to rebuilding the walls that keep being broken around his heart. To love is painful and it’s as Hange says when she hugs Mikasa on that rooftop in Shinganshina:

[spookyfbi]

hey! love your blog and I think your opinions are stellar and always correct so I thought I’d ask something that’s been on my mind. namely—do you think that ed and stede had to break each other’s hearts before they could be together? I keep imagining a scenario where ed goes to find stede after he didn’t show up at the dock, or stede running to find ed despite what chauncey said. of course it was interesting narrative-wise but do you think the heartbreak was necessary for the characters?

Oh wow, thank you so much for the ask and for the compliment, although I hardly think my opinions are always correct! But it makes me feel very warm and fuzzy to know there’s someone out there who values them! So much love to you Anon ❤️

Do you know what, lovely Anon? I also have spent many hours imagining a scenario where Stede goes to Ed after Chauncey and… okay so pre season 2 I wasn’t actually obsessed so I hadn’t really delved into trying to understand the characters yet and pre season 2 I certainly did imagine Ed & Stede cuddling together in their little dinghy as they made their way to China (rowing all the way there? Sure why not?). But now? I cannot get it to work. Because I do think that Stede going back home was necessary for his character, and I’m not even 100% decided on exactly what it was from that experience - I mean there are a few candidates, there’s of course realising that leaving Mary didn’t actually destroy her life and that she was totally fine without him, there’s being able to verbalise his love for Ed and receive a positive response from Mary, there’s seeing Mary create for herself the life she quite likes and being inspired to do the same, there’s realising just how much he doesn’t fit into his former life anymore (and probably never did). Or it’s probably a combination of these things. But either way, and I think I’ve said this before on another post, but we all agree that season 2 Stede is different from season 1 Stede, but the guy in the last scene of season 1 who rows out on the dinghy to find his crew? That’s season 2 Stede. His character development didn’t happen in the however many months that took place between season 1 and season 2, it happened in the few days Stede was home in season 1.

All that being said, I don’t think Ed’s heartbreak over it was strictly necessary. Like, Stede going home and having whatever revelation he had there was necessary for his character development, but I don’t think Ed’s heartbreak was necessary for his character development, and it does make me sad that they’ll always have that in their past, that they will always know that Stede hurt Ed so deeply and broke his trust like that. I don’t think that Ed really learned anything about himself through that heartbreak, at least not anything that the writers really did anything substantial with. Like, his gravy basket revelation was a revelation to the audience, but not to Ed, I don’t think? I think he already knew that he thought he was unlovable. I mean, ‘I’m not lovable’ is basically the same sentiment as ‘I’m not a good person, Stede. That’s why I don’t have any friends.’ I mean I guess saying out loud that he wanted to die was a revelation buuut… the writers didn’t exactly do anything with that? Maybe ‘dying’ in the gravy basket and then fighting to live gave him a new lease on life? Idk, he seemed to already have a new lease on life in the beach scene in season 1. Idk, I think I’m gonna stick with the heartbreak not being necessary for Ed’s character.

HOWEVER. I don’t think it was necessary, but I think it was unavoidable. I think, and I’m happy to be proven wrong here, but my mind simply cannot make it work. Because. In a nutshell, because bad communication, like by character design, which is the best kind of bad communication (and also why I can’t side with the Izzy haters because bad communication by character design also applies to Izzy, but I digress). Ok so I’ve watched a few reaction videos on YouTube for Our Flag Means Death (it gives me endorphins to watch complete strangers scream when Ed & Stede kiss, what can I say) and a significant number of these reactors keep saying that Stede should have just told Ed that he needed to go check on Mary and the whole break up would’ve been avoided if he’d just done that because Ed would’ve understood. But I just can’t agree with that because, for one thing, I don’t think Stede actually consciously had that thought. If Stede really only went home to Mary to check she and the kids were okay because he felt guilty for leaving, then he wouldn’t have been so bitchy about Mary calling herself the Widow Bonnet.

I think that Stede went back home because Chauncey convinced him that his decision to leave ruined everything - his family, Nigel, and Ed - and he thought that going back was the only way to fix it. That’s why he tried so desperately to fit in and why he was so upset at first when he couldn’t. He went back home because he thought that’s where he belonged, because that’s where his society had told him he was supposed to be all his life. He deviated from that norm and ended up defiling beautiful things (in his mind) and so he had to undo it all and go back where he belonged.

There is NO WAY he could say THAT to Ed without breaking his heart. Because Ed wouldn’t see that as Stede’s issues and insecurities.

Because Ed… has been waiting for Stede to leave him since his bathtub confession. Like, that’s not a new hot take, right? 1x06 Ed confesses his deep dark secret that he killed his dad and he’s not a good person and he doesn’t have any friends, and Stede says, hey, I’m your friend. The very next episode, 1x07, suddenly Ed is talking about leaving because he doesn’t like staying in the one place… no, bullshit, he’s leaving because he doesn’t want to give Stede the chance to leave after the bathtub confession because he can’t fully bring himself to trust Stede’s offer of friendship. But then they have their little treasure hunt adventure and Lucius tells Ed that Stede likes him and he’s so confused and surprised. And then they become co captains. But then in 1x08 Jack comes along and starts making him look bad in front of Stede, talking about the people he set on fire, getting him to do the stuff they used to do which isn’t really as fun anymore but he doesn’t wanna say that, and then Stede says he doesn’t like who Ed is around Jack and now Ed is back to waiting for Stede to leave, so eventually he leaves with Jack because “can you see me now? You were always gonna realise what I am” (I hope I’m getting the quote right, I can’t look it up because I’ve got a toddler sleeping on my lap, so I’m just going from memory, but either way that line fucking kills me). In the TWO episodes that follow the bathtub confession, Ed tries to leave Stede on TWO separate occasions because he thinks that Stede will leave him. Then in 1x09, he is finally starting to trust Stede, to trust “us”, as he says in 2x04, and that’s when Stede leaves. And to Ed it is so obvious that it’s because of his bathtub confession, that’s the only reason he can think of. This isn’t speculation, this is explicit in 2x03. Again I’m going from memory, dream Hornigold brings up Ed killing his dad, Ed says he never told anyone that, Hornigold says basically and I’m paraphrasing here “but you did *flashback to the bathtub scene* and he left you”. Ed thinks that Stede left him because of the bathtub confession about killing his dad and for only that reason, it doesn’t enter his head at all that there may have been any other factors going into it.

So if Stede had told Ed ‘I’m leaving you forever to go back to Mary because that’s where I belong’, Ed would have absolutely heard ‘I’m leaving you forever because you killed your dad’. I don’t think there’s anything that Stede could’ve followed up ‘I’m leaving you forever’ with that Ed wouldn’t have interpreted as ‘because you killed your dad’.

So yeah, I can’t make a scenario work where Stede goes to Ed after Chauncey, with the way I interpret the characters. But I think it would be a fascinating thing for someone (not me) to explore in fic. How does Stede not going back to Mary change how his and Ed’s relationship progresses?

Anyway, as for Ed breaking Stede’s heart (you talk in the ask about them breaking each other’s hearts), I’m not sure whether you’re talking about Ed leaving with Jack in 1x08, or Ed leaving to be a fisherman in 2x07, but I suspect it’s the latter? I don’t know, I mean… this one’s a lot harder to really get anything from because we don’t really get a lot of insight into what Stede is thinking like we have with Ed in the gravy basket, and Ed’s character progression in 2x08 is really unclear (I mean the last 3 episodes of season 2 are just a bit of a mess generally, I have so many more questions than answers and I’m really not confident that season 3 will address them). I mean, if you ask me what it was during the 2x08 break up that led to Ed having confidence in his relationship with Stede, I’m gonna have to go with finding Stede’s letter and realising how all in Stede really was. It’s not the break up or realising he wasn’t a fisherman… And I don’t really know what I’m supposed to take away from Ed putting the leathers back on and killing a bunch of people. Especially since he ends the show as an Innkeeper with Stede, another whim. Idk idk when I try to puzzle out the last 3 episodes I just get frustrated. Hopefully I’m wrong and season 3 will put those episodes into perspective.

Anyway, I’m sure some other fan can come along with a very well written meta which completely refutes anything I’ve said here, and if so I think that’s awesome because sharing our different perspectives is what makes fandom fun. But I enjoyed the opportunity to word vomit at you about my blorbos and I hope you got something out of it and if so then you’re welcome to come back to my ask box any time!

[originemesis]

@deathinfeathers xxx

A liar. A fool. A bleeding-heart, bootlicking spaniel. Adam had made a lot of things out of her throughout the centuries and least of them were particularly reputable. She sees that now, in this new light of deeply unsettling truths she's been forced to face without the veil of his ever present wing keeping her in the relatively blissful shade of ignorance. She had so much faith in him. So much trust. It's all gone now. Dead. Buried in the cemetery of dashed hopes and broken promises she's been loading up on departed things of that sort since she was just a fledgling. Why is she still here? Fussing over him like she had so many times in the past? God forbid he get a papercut, she'd be on him like white on rice before the ichor had a chance to touch the surface of his skin. Maybe it's habit. An old one. The kind that is unreasonably difficult to break. Maybe it's hope, that he's still got something to say that might salve the ache of betrayal. Another secret, another carefully guarded truth that could perhaps breathe a bit of life back into the dead things she'd buried. Maybe she is a weak-minded, masochistic moron. There are a lot of maybes. She hasn't settled on any particular one just yet. He's making it all too easy to lean towards the latter of the three, though.

She could crush that collar inside the palm of her hand—rip it away from his throat with little effort exerted on her part—but what would that change? What would that do except reaffirm the fact she is going to have to keep stupidly digging and clawing every shred of sincerity out of him? Does she want to live like that? Does she have a choice when the only alternative is living without him? Fingers curl away from his neck, tucking themselves inside the palm of her hand. A sigh. That is the one thing that has no maybes attached to it. The fact that she cannot live without him. Survive, yes, she could find a way to survive on the surface of Mars on nothing but the gritting of teeth and a prayer, but there is no life without Adam in it. And isn't that the most pathetic thing of all? "Are you ever going to start being real with me?"

He can sense what she's feeling all too well if only because his very existence echoed hers in every way- every guitar string snapped and fashioned into a gruesome display of puppetry. The worst part? Despite heaven's unrelenting hold on him, he'd taken the same sting of his uncertain existence and like a rib removed, fashioned hers. He'd rationalized these choices to himself many times- how he had to prove to not only heaven, but to himself that he was made for something other than failure. But when he saw that same raw realization flicker to the forefront of her thoughts that reflected the betrayal born of watching those that had created him for seemingly nothing more than a whim closing the gates behind him, he had to wonder if the image of his maker was simply misery; it loved company, after all.

Perhaps it had started that way- and he wouldn't pretend that he knew exactly where his mind had been after having created his own corner of paradise on Earth where he if only briefly belonged before heaven decided to reap the efforts and reclaim their first pet on a principality. Just being accepted into their food was enough to mend the mistakes of humanity, they probably thought despite how grating the sound of his soul would see him lonely even in a crowded congregation. But despite his bitter plan to ensure they never saw him as anything other than necessary again, it had all changed the moment he saw her struggling with those strings on a spare bass passed to her if only to poke fun at beings created with only one brutal purpose in mind. And when his dogged determination at hearing the same grittiness that shaped his soul echoed back to him prevailed, his purpose irreparably synced with hers and the flock, the origin of his plot faded into an obscurity he wished she would never have to understand so long as he kept her shielded from it behind the span of his wings.

Now with one wing missing, there was hardly enough feathers to distract her with when the one that remained seemed only concerned with trying to hide the shame of his shadows come to light beneath the glow of her halo. It's a glow that's hard to keep his eyes on for very long, though he attempts anyway by watching her through the partial shield of his lashes; he didn't ever think he'd see her again...and though holy light hurt in itself to stare at for too long, it didn't compare to getting to see her again after she's realized that heaven was always right about him and that her faith was an unfounded, pretty lie.

Her question catches him off guard, and the tooth tucks deeper into his lip. Really? She was asking him to be real now? Almost like she was disappointed he was...well, nothing like the Adam he'd spent so long building up behind the walls of robes and false horns and expressions that didn't quite match the dirty eyed stare he now had transfixed upon her. The resulting pain might have been mainly from the holy light, but as he winces and jerks his head to the side to clamp the gathered tears from the exchange out, he wonders if that's all it is.

"Did you forget who I am? Mr. Perfect Diaster-" Hell. She'd agreed to weather this storm of his without knowing just how much of her it could rip apart. "-it fucking...hurts to be real. You know that." Now that she knew her very creation was based on a lie. His. "And I hate that you do." He never stood a chance swallowing that lump in his throat; why would now be any different? "You never should have had to."

[hamliet]

What your favorite thing about each qaf character?

Damn, good ask.

Uhhhh.

Honestly it's all gonna boil down to similar ideas: I like complexity and contradictions. They're the most interesting part of people.

Brian: Mr "Go After What I Want" selfish a-hole actually avoids what he wants. His development was top-notch. The paradox of supposed self-satisfaction that actually masks a deep, festering self-hatred will never not be one of my favorite character archetypes.

Justin: Mr Sunshine and Rainbows is actually a great foil for Brian because he, too, can be selfish and disregarding of other people's feelings, just in a far more socially acceptable way (when compared to Brian, that is). And unlike many other stories, QAF doesn't let him get away with it. His development? Also top-notch.

Melanie: I love Melanie. She presents herself as a cold-hearted lawyer, but she actually has one of the biggest hearts in the series. Melanie is very much like Brian, which is why she hates him so much lol. But like Brian, she's willing to sacrifice herself to save her loved ones and desires no credit or compensation for it.

Lindsay: her compassion and kindness. I love the moment when she goes off at her sister's wedding, though, because it was a perfect moment of growth for her. She'd been through so much and was always smiling regardless, and in that moment, the woman who always valued her image did one of the most gauche cultural taboos you can do and we cheered her for it.

Debbie "Good Ally and Mother" Novtony--her identity gets so wrapped up in both that she actually starts being a terrible mom (over Ben) and flawed ally. That's the point of her character, and it drives me crazy when I see people saying "I can't stand her because she's not actually perfect as a mom or ally!" Like yeah, that's the point. That's why she's a great character. QaF isn't here to preach or shine up characters as role models or idols, not even Debbie; it's here to demonstrate messy humanity.

Ted: the drug addiction plotline really got to me. It was humanizing, ugly, and hopeful all at the same time. Ted had been self-destructive throughout the series despite preaching about projecting a good image and saying he wanted to better his life, so this was a fantastic way to explore this and force him to face his self-destruction.

Blake: how deeply he cares for those around him, including Ted, but not remotely for himself. Even when he leaves Ted in season 4 post-recovery, while he says it's to protect Ted's recovery, it's also because Blake doesn't trust himself or like himself.

Emmett: Baby. Emmett is in a sense the best qualities of everyone else: caring, generous, and much more communicative than the others. Like, no one in this show asks for what they want/need except Emmett. This is why it's so interesting that his final romance in the show is with someone who wants to keep Emmett as a side-piece (Drew).

Michael: he communicates in fantasy, and is honestly a great, complex character capable of being just as immature and whiny as he is of being brave and a superhero in real life. He's arguably at his worst at the start of season 3 when he says that horrible thing about Justin dying to Brian, but by the end of the season he's arguably at his very best: breaking the law to protect his promise to Hunter.

Ben: Just like Michael, he communicates in fantasy and has to accept reality. I love the steroid storyline, which I didn't expect to. His commitment to care and compassion is also a favorite part of his character for me, as is how he can truly challenge those around him to be better. He has high standards for those around him but doesn't put people down for not reaching them--except himself, when he doesn't reach his own high standards.

Hunter: his snark. No but really, also, his great foiling with Brian, Justin, Michael, Ben, and more: he acts like he doesn't care but he truly, truly does, and he deserved his happy ending. More HIV+ stories that aren't about death please.

[ladyriot]

Back to Comparing Maura Isles & Temperance Brennan Because I Can't Stop...

So, I kind of see both as enneagram 1s (meaning their personality is defined by the core fear of being esesentially corrupt or by having a moral fixation of sorts), but the way I see it they inhabit them completely differently. There are probably multiple enneagram-adjacent explanations, but I don't fully understand those (different instinctual stackings or something? Tritypes?). So I'm going plain old character analysis.

I've been thinking about Maura's relationship to morality this whole rewatch and I think my tentative conclusion for now is that her moral fixation is based on a deep, nearly intrinsic belief that she's bad inside. It serves as an explanation for her. It's why her birth parents didn't want her. It's why she didn't have many friends growing up. It explains why people have so much trouble connecting to her, loving her. It seeps into her decision-making at every opportunity. What's a job you can do that does good for others but doesn't put you in a position where the bad inside you can cause harm? What's the line between ethics and the law - is it okay to help someone like Ian help underserved communities even if it breaks the moral code that US law tries to impart? When can you break the rules? She has a mountain of self-doubt, much of it moral (the rest, social). And that comes to conflict in her relationship with Jane at times. Jane, for the most part, thinks herself capable of doing good even outside the law, even bending the rules. She doesn't need a guideline because she often has an internal trust. She sometimes pushes Maura to bend rules, work in the spaces between the lines of the letter of the law and the spirit of them. Which is a challenge specifically because Maura doesn't trust that the core of herself is good. She needs an external guideline. She needs something to hold herself up against to prove to herself that she's good.

Brennan's moral fixation is so very different from that because it isn't quite as deeply internal. I genuinely believe that even with the few times she tries to frame herself as an unempathetic person, she can feel her internal empathy and questions it only because she has never expressed it in a way that's read by others on the outside. I believe that she thinks of herself as mostly good inside, but instead seems to almost fear being misunderstood as immoral. I won't say that she never internally doubts herself. I distinctly remember her saying something like "I don't have your good heart" to Booth. But I think this displays an essential disconnect between how she experiences herself internally (how she feels her emotions) and how others receive them. In my opinion, she has so much doubt about being a good person because people keep not seeing her as one. She's told she's cold and unfeeling. But she doesn't see herself that way. She feels her feelings. She knows she's misunderstood. She's told she doesn't show enough care (but Angela and sometimes Booth point out that she does). She's told that she doesn't feel the right things or act the right ways and watches it hurt people. But she thinks she's good. Her doubt is just so different. It's turned inwards only in search of an explanation for that disconnect. Can I be a good person if people keep seeing me as cold, emotionless, arrogant, and hurtful? How is it that there can be such an error of translation? How can I keep doing things wrong by accident in ways that hurt people? Does some part of me want that?

Essentially, she feels like she's not doing good despite the good place she knows she's coming from, so she turns back and questions her internal positioning. Am I actually good? Are my intentions more flawed than I initially believed? It's basically the exact opposite of Maura who feels bad inside, so does all this good, in a way, to make up for it. She's sure there's bad in her, no question (no evidence). She just has to resist acting that way, not let it accidentally come out, which obviously she can't control because she can't even find a true urge to do bad in herself. Which, for someone like Maura, is terrifying because then it can only come as a surprise.

I think this is what breeds their opposite stances on psychology. Maura is fascinated with the field, apparently has some formal training in forensic psychiatry, and seems to have a particular interest in abnormal psych. She's trying to find what's wrong in her. Honestly, it's almost unrealistic for a character like Maura to not have looked into things like cptsd and autism and questioned those things for herself (not that they're wrong at all, just that they would explain her feeling of incongruity with the way she sees herself versus how she's treated, her essential doubt). Brennan, on the other hand, isn't trying to explain something that feels off for her. In a lot of ways, she likes herself. She sees her value. Her insecurity comes from other people not understanding her. She's terrified of being misconstrued as a bad person. It makes so much sense for her to be against psychology... a field that might find something "wrong" with her to confirm everyone else's misreadings of her (with no evidence). For her to be told there's a reason for her to be read so wrong wouldn't be an immediate comfort, though it might grow into one. It would force her to confront something she doesn't want to see. She just wants to be seen as true to who she is.

In summary, I think that Maura comes in with this belief that she's bad and immoral at heart and is constantly trying to make up for it, seeing some disparity as she's treated as essentially good and wanting answers or explanations through psychology. Temperance does not believe herself immoral, but believes herself essentially good, so when she's read as cold or a bad person, that's where she finds disconnect. Her dislike of psychology allows her to avoid looking that in the face, allows her to maintain her image of herself by not making her question what's inside.

I wanna bring in like 80 gifs and references, but that would take forever, so take this as a preliminary post. Complex characters are endlessly fascinating.

[deadendtracks]

How do you think Lizzie's marriage to Tommy came about?

Like personally I believe there were many factors and not one like Ruby ofc, she was good- person wise, sexually compatible, someone had written he was afraid to be alone(which I feel might be true since Charles also saw him during his breakdown in s4 and stuff). Though I don't feel it was for political purposes.

But I would love to know what you feel...also I've been following what you write for some time, and I like reading what you put up.

Thank you, that's very kind.

It seems like the generally accepted take is that he married her purely to be more politically acceptable for running for office. I wouldn't rule out that being some part of the decision; but given what Moseley says in s6 about magazine covers or whatever, my guess is it wasn't a particularly politically expedient move given Lizzie's past, which wouldn't have been hard for anyone to dig up. If Tommy had wanted to marry someone solely to be more politically acceptable, he'd have married May. It would have been the smarter move. Having a bastard daughter on the side whom he supported would have been downright upper class of him.

On the other hand, maybe he shrewdly thought marrying Lizzie would go well with his working-class constituency, over May. Even given that idea I'm not sure, still, about her past being a net positive in an election, given the way Polly and Arthur laughed about it in s1.

There's the other point that it's pretty clear his first election at least was probably fixed in his favor. If it was, why would he feel the need to marry Lizzie for political purposes?

We also don't know when Tommy and Lizzie married and if they were even married at the end of s4 when he won his election, so it's hard to point to that scene at the end of 4.06 as proof, though I've never looked at it closely enough to see if they're both wearing wedding rings, etc.

So if politics wasn't the biggest drive, what then?

One interesting aspect of s4 is that he doesn't suggest they marry when he finds out Lizzie is pregnant -- he doesn't "do right by her" in that way, though he promises to buy her a house and implies he'll take care of her and the child. I don't necessarily think he makes this choice because of Lizzie's reputation/past, but maybe that could be part of it. If it was, why then marry her when he gets into politics? It's a bit contradictory.

Instead I think it's possible he was aware at least on some level that he couldn't give her what she wanted from him -- couldn't be in love with her. And this was probably his way of trying to be fair to her the way he tried to be fair to May in s2. He tries to maintain this distance, where he's not making promises he can't keep.

But then he does end up marrying her. I think to me this makes the most sense if he and Lizzie *aren't* married at the end of s4, when he's elected. If he starts spending time with her to be able to see Ruby. I do think Ruby would be a big part of it -- Tommy loves his children very deeply, despite his difficulties as a parent. So one possibility is that he starts spending time with Lizzie to see the baby, and things go from there.

Which does lead into one of the points you brought up: it's definitely possible he was afraid to be alone -- this is a more likely motivation than wanting someone to be a mother to Charlie, because he had plenty of maids for that, and Lizzie was not playing that role in s3-4. When she says she got Charlie Christmas presents in s4, I think that was meant to be read as the actions of an executive secretary-type role -- powerful men usually have someone who takes care of things like that for them.

But Lizzie had already seen him emotionally vulnerable at that point -- 'it was you who kept my heart from breaking' -- even if it wasn't in the form of him being open about it with her, which I doubt. And I do think he trusts Lizzie quite a lot.

He is a very lonely character, and a character who finds it hard to trust, and a character who does need people even if he comes across as if he doesn't. Combine that with the fact that he does deeply love his children and you can see how he might have eventually decided he wanted to marry Lizzie even if he felt he could never love her the way he did Grace. Especially if you consider that the end of s4 was probably less than 2 years after Grace had died -- that's not much time to get over a traumatic loss like that. But maybe being around his child with Lizzie made him realize he might be able to make a marriage work.

Canon doesn't give us anything definitive and I think you could write a range of believable explanations of how they ended up married. I'd never wholly rule out politics as being part of it; but at the same time, I'm not all that convinced.

[selachiixiv]

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Idiom —used to mean that a person who has failed or been hurt when trying to do something is careful or fearful about doing it again

The first time he’d seen the esteemed Lahabrea of the Convocation, he’d made a hastily muffled panicked meeping noise and, uncharacteristic of his usual demeanour as a rule-breaking deviant, had tried to vanish into his robe’s hood, earning him a What The Hell look from Orpheus before she followed his deep purple gaze to the older man and, not missing a beat, leaned over and muttered “I see you just developed a daddy kink”.

He had given her a deeply indignant look and huffed, then turned several different shades of red when he’d looked back at the Speaker as she descended into giggles.

It was not the last time the sight of the older man reduced his coherence to nothingness. The infatuation - and even he knows it, on a logical level, to be an infatuation, simply a deeply intense one.

The Speaker is who drags him back into a physical form, and then he walks away, and Hybris is left trailing in his wake, overwhelmed by the way his heart tries desperately to leap from his chest into the older man’s hands, even knowing that the organ that wants these things would be discarded, left in the dirt for him to try to dust clean of its damages. And then he is left, to wait on his sister’s return, to seek but always seem to miss the echoes of Orpheus the same way Anaideia cannot find the echoes of her husband when she does return.

And when Anaideia is there, her own failing seeking only drives her through grief-stricken madness alongside Hades, reaching a fever pitch when she loses him, and resulting in her turning aggressively on her own brother.

But before that, when he realises Lahabrea - for he never does reach even close to a level of intimacy where he could dare call him Hephaistos - is both never going to notice him and is going swiftly off the fucking deep end too far to come back from, he makes a decision. Beneath the desolate dirt of a corner of a shard, he buries his heart. And then he seals the dirt with marble. And then he builds over it. And then he walks away. He buries the wound in him in hunting, in trying to simultaneously fulfil his faith and his doubts in his faith.

And then the Speaker is gone, then returned, then gone once more. He understands that for the mortal who kills him, the time between these deaths must feel longer than instants, but for him, they are barely even that, and it is barely even that again before Hades is defeated, and then before Elidibus himself falls and Fandaniel - praise be unto Zodiark that Orpheus does not have to endure this - allows himself to madness.

And then, finally, he runs. Runs, and finds himself directly in company of what can only be Charon’s shard, and it is only the way those eyes look at him with ill-concealed frustration and annoyance that keeps him from flinging himself at the man with undisguised gratitude; but even if Hyacinthe takes time to warm to him, it is Charon to the very marrow the way that he sighs and helps with relieving Anaideia of both madness and her life. It is Charon to the very core that he sighs, beleaguered, and lets Hybris grow on him. And it is probably because it is Charon that, despite Hybris’s own anxieties after millennia of being on the periphery, disposable, he allows himself to trust so swiftly on the heels of losing what little he’d thought he had left.

And, he supposes, he should not be surprised that a shard of Orpheus finds her way to one of Charon like a morpho to nectar. Even if he can figure out well enough that telling Shrike that will take time, and telling Hyacinthe is just... it’s a terrible idea.

Still, so soon after losing everything, he allows himself the trust fall into found family.

Anaïs tests it in a different way, though. They test it in a way that makes him, sometimes, think of beating things under marble, but once bitten, twice shy.

He doesn’t wait for a response when he hears the other end of the linkshell pick up, just more cough-groans out than speaks, “I am on the airship to Kugane, about half an hour away. Please.”

He doesn’t remember stumbling off the airship. He only faintly remembers shooing a Garlean soldier back on. The trek from the Kugane airship landing to the lofted bed above the pigeons is a blur.

But he remembers that they caught him. He remembers that.

[retsuunohana]

upon re-reading since we’ve now begun the hm arc, i find it extremely fascinating the way the beginning of it has ichigo set up in regards to the relationships with his friends.

ichigo starts out fumbling as he tries to keep a lid on his hollow abilities that are growing more powerful and a threat with each passing day. with this lack of control and no means to understand, he resorts to some old habits that tend to push away his friends, and also allow him to still feel like he isnt losing his grip as The Protector of the group. he doesnt engage with ishida and his lack of abilities, he pushes chad away from fighting in grimmjow & co’s first wave of attacks in karakura (and says some clearly hurtful things in the process), and even attempts to push rukia away before the fight with di roy.

its not until rukia, chad, & uryu are able to physically demonstrate their abilities and capability in front of ichigo for him to see (rukia with her shikai, chad & uryu against aisslinger wernarr & demoura zodd) that he is able to relax a bit and rely on their contributions. it should be noted that renji is an exception to this setup, given that he has already “proven” himself to ichigo in this regard as a former opponent and later ally in the previous arc.

it should also be noted, that orihime’s case is quite a bit different because of the role she plays as a healer, and her moving to the forefront of this arc. despite her efforts she has the chance to prove herself (in this specific way) robbed from her, and the nature of her ability makes it more difficult to really prove her strength in any traditional meaning of the word. i think also given how desperately ichigo wishes to rescue and protect her specifically (and yes, he repeatedly singles her out in a special way related to his namesake), she maybe has more to prove to him in this way. think unstoppable force meets immovable object. they both care very deeply for one another, and dearly wish to keep the other one safe, but struggle to communicate these feelings despite themselves. it causes conflict but theyre also able to extend empathy and understanding to each other, even if they struggle to address these feelings themselves. it makes it all the more satisfying when theyre finally able to fight as equals in tandem during tybw.

but to keep from going off on too many tangents, i think that the setup for the hm arc in terms of ichigo’s relationships to others can be summarized as the following: ichigo needs to have his friends physically prove their strength in front of him before he can allow himself to rely on them, allowing him to break down the barriers he put up, resulting in a greater sense of trust in one another. stronger bonds, stronger faith, stronger hearts, etc.

i think this is interesting because ichigo actively works against ulquiorra who’s main antagonist during this arc. ulquiorra’s narrative relies heavily on the concept of nihilism, in that “that which [his] eyes cannot perceive, does not exist”. he needs visual confirmation to believe in the existence of concepts, etc. this is why he cannot understand the concept of “the heart” (the bonds/relationships shared between people) and why they fight so desperately to help one another. i wrote more about this specific topic here ages ago so i wont get into it too much.

so idk, it could just be nothing. but idk! im hung up on how the arc starts with ichigo needing to confirm his friends strengths before they can resume how they were and become closer and stronger, and that strength he gained through putting his heart in the right place and learning to just rely on the people around him and having faith in them is what helps to undo the villain that is built around a similar concept taken to an wildly callous and literal degree