#and stood there the entire time. then got merch and left no drinks no nothing hdkshdksgdh

[lovezbrownies]

I will literally run over my dog (no I won’t I love her too much) for some more Lauren writing.

I NEED IT!!!!! 😭😭

-poopyhead🤪

Confessions after aggressions (Yan!Bully x GN!Reader.)

Hello dear poopyhead! hope you enjoy :3 this fic is almost 2.3k words! Sorry it took me a week to get this out! Blew my money on legos and I can only write when I have a drink in hand ;;

Masterlist

Synopsis: What happens when your lifetime bully who is madly in love with you catches someone trying to hit on you?

Bully Lauren McCanister x GN!Reader

WARNINGS: Bullying, verbal harassment, darling being hit on by a third party, threats, physical fight kinda!, darling's scared of Lauren, Lauren goes off, Lauren kisses darling without consent smh Lauren, fuck used a lot, degrading words against women used by Lauren, again smh Lauren, mildly cute at the end, No use of y/n

“Hey, if you don’t come to my game today I’ll make sure you regret it, and wear this. And you better fucking wear it. Either wear it once today or I’ll force it on you this entire month. Fucking weirdo.”

And that’s how you found yourself in this situation, out in the cold night, wearing your bully's jersey jacket she insists you wear, and watching that same bully carry her team to a win. It’s been going on for a while, you don’t know what the rules of football are, and you’ve never really been into many sports. Sure maybe you’ve watched a few games or liked a certain team but you never truly got into it, and you don’t think you ever will.

Lauren reserved you a seat at the very front of the school’s stadium, next to the team’s benches or whatever they call them. So whenever there’s a pause to the game Lauren can easily go up to the benches, rest, and talk with you. More like constantly begging you for praise.

“Look at that, the loser came, what did you think? Obviously, you thought I was cool, right? Well, that’s a no-brainer, you don’t know anything about football so you’d think anything I did was cool. Oh, you’re such a fucking freak! You want me so bad it makes you look stupid! You were staring at me sweating and heaving the entire time right you, weirdo?”

It’s always the same, she’s been participating in more sports lately since it’s her senior year but it was torture to attend every game of hers so she doesn’t give you hell later on. Lauren’s games never ceased to bore you, constantly watching her carry her team to a win every single damn game gets tiring fast. And if you dare look away to entertain yourself Lauren will purposefully fumble the game just so she can confront you for not paying attention to her faster. 

So when Lauren finally had the chance to take a break and take a sip from her water bottle you told her you’d be going to the bathroom, and her one response was “Don’t take too long.” Thank heavens. You couldn’t hold it anymore, and again if you left without telling her she would leave the field herself and chase after you, her team either winning by an inch or losing wholeheartedly.

Along the way, you saw many people skirt away from the stadium's seats to get food, and beverages, or to go to the bathroom. It was half-time, or whatever they call their little break, after all. You felt someone watch you as you walked to the bathrooms, but every time you looked around there wasn’t a single person looking in your direction, though your guts told you not to, you brushed it off and continued heading towards the gender-neutral bathroom the school’s stadium has. They mostly made it to save costs on individual bathrooms for specific genders.

You finished with your business in the stall, the moment you stepped out of said stall however a tall woman wearing the rival school’s merch stood right in front of you, blocking the way and effectively stopping you from moving anywhere.

You look up at the woman, she looks about your age with brown hair and eyes, nothing of note in her appearance. She looked down at you, smirking as if she were an almighty god. You raise a brow, trying to seem as uninterested as possible, to avoid giving her the wrong idea, “Can I help you?” Somehow the woman’s cocky smirk only widened as she reached a hand out to you, going out to grab your face.

“Was watchin’ ya earlier, wanted to ask if you’re singl-” Just as her hand grazed your chin you harshly slapped it away, grabbing a few people’s attention but no one wanted to anger the tall brunette. Yet the woman seemed to take your slap as an invitation, moving even closer almost pushing you back into the stall. And move back you did, trapping you with the woman in the cramped stall, with your legs pressing harshly onto the toilet seat and the woman’s arms reaching out to the stall’s walls.

She smiled so wide it resembled a horror character, her eyes filled with lust, the woman leaned down towards you, she was drunk you could tell from the overwhelming smell of her breath, “Hey! Back off! Get the fuck away from me!” You pushed and pushed as much as you could but that only enticed her, “Nah, need a cutie like you to hang off ma arm~” 

Just then the smell of alcohol and sweat disappeared and a loud crash was heard, “YOU GOT A DEATH WISH FRESHMAN?!?!” Is that Lauren? Oh, that definitely is Lauren, You peek out the stall to find the woman lying on the floor, looking up at Lauren, face full of fear, “Who the fuck are yo-” The lady couldn’t even finish her sentence as Lauren grabbed her by the hair, easily lifting the woman off the floor just by pulling at the hair of her scalp.

You couldn’t predict what had happened then, you heard Lauren threaten the woman, cussing her out in the most colorful ways with a low voice, “I’m going to fucking end your life, you fucking dickwad. You are nothing but a pile of shit compared to my baby, you don’t touch my sweetheart and think you can get away with it, fucking slut! You will pay for what you did. Keep one eye open when you’re sleeping, you dirty whore!” And much more that you missed. Lauren looked beyond angry, she looked like a feral rabid dog.

It was completely horrifying to witness the unbridled rage of Lauren McCanister. Your entire life you thought you’d been the only one to be relentlessly bullied by her, the only one who truly witnessed how insane she can get. But you were entirely incorrect, watching how tight Lauren’s grip is with the woman’s hair, how she yelled and spit on the woman, how she harshly pushed the woman against the floor, a loud crack came from the woman’s head making you cringe from how painful it sounded.

Lauren shifted her head towards you, staring at you like she was a predator in a horror movie before swiftly moving to you, taking two long strides to finally reach you, grabbing your hand she growled, “Good fucking thing you’re smart enough not to accept her shit. Else I’d make sure you never think of another woman ever again. Let’s get out of here, this place is full of morons anyway.” Lauren, with no regard to your own personal wishes, proceeded to pull you out of the bathrooms, people stared at the both of you as she led you to the underground car park.

You could barely breathe, fearful of what the monster would do to you. Will she hurt you? Are you done for? Should you quickly send a text to everyone you love? Was all that studying in vain? Are you already dead? Your thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of a cushy seat beneath you, the sound of a car door slamming, and then the roar of a car engine. Snapping out of your daydreams you look to the side, at Lauren. She still looked furious, though calmer than before. She was still muttering under her breath, her hands gripped at the steering wheel so hard her knuckles were entirely white.

“...ng loser, fucking idiot, fucking whore… Going after what’s mine? I’ll show her… my poor baby…” McCanister wouldn’t stop muttering, and you couldn’t stop shaking, she then drove the car off, you have no clue where you’re going. Maybe she’s already dug up your grave? Today really is your last day as a living person, maybe you can haunt this asshole in the afterlife? If there is one at least. It hit you that she will make sure you'll be in pain when she does kill you, there is no quick and painless with Lauren, only slow and torturous.

Suddenly you flinch at the hand that had grabbed your thigh, damn near screaming out in fear, “The fuck are you shivering for? Did that hillbilly bitch scare you that bad? God damn, I’m going to kill her for doing all that to you, my angel…” Angel? What the hell is up with her today? First she ‘defends’ you from that woman, and now that you think of it, all she’s been calling you so far are very affectionate pet names. Sure, she’s called you these types of nicknames before but in a more degrading form, hearing it now… It felt much more intimate than before.

You stare at her from the corner of your eyes, not daring to move a single muscle, hoping she somehow forgets your existence if you don’t move. Lauren had calmed down quite a bit now, it’s been a while on the road and you still had no idea where she was taking you, the roads were unfamiliar to you and even if you wanted to you couldn’t tell which road you’d know due to the fear overcoming your body. You decided to look down for the rest of the ride to not incur her wrath anymore.

It then clicks. The game’s still not over, they’re still playing, and the team’s golden ticket was driving a car to your grave. Lauren was still wearing her uniform and all, her headgear haphazardly thrown to the back of her expensive car, she even still has her team’s colors painted on her face. You don’t know the consequences of her bailing on the game, but you know she’ll be able to get out of it one way or another. Either by bringing her mom up or by bribing the coach into forgiving her. But all in all Lauren seemed more upset about what happened in the bathroom than her bailing on her game.

“Hey. Come on, stop daydreaming and get out.” Lauren’s voice was rough after she screamed at that woman. Turning towards the driver’s seat you didn’t see her there, the hell? Where did she go? Wait was it all a drea- “Over here, moron, god you’re so stupid. Or is it because that bitch rattled you to stupidity? Don’t worry, I’ll gut her soon.” Lauren said again, but this time you could tell she was speaking from your side, you looked over to find the door to the passenger’s seat was open and Lauren stood firm, her arms crossed and her face unreadable. Lauren reached a hand out to you, “Come on.” She said.

You didn’t want to grab her hand, who knows what she’d do to you if you did, so you tried to leave the car without her help, but before you could even put one foot out the door, Lauren pushed you back down, “Take my hand.” And you did, although hesitantly. Lauren, like some gentleman, pulled you up, helping you out of her ridiculously expensive car. You heard her mutter something for what felt like the 50th time this night, “God... still shivering.. to kill that freak…” Why in god’s name do you only manage to hear her murder plots when she mutters.

You look at the house Lauren parked at, it had the normal suburban house structure but was surrounded by much richer, fancier houses. Was it Lauren’s house? Knowing Lauren you’d thought she’d have a bigger, grander, fancier house. Your thoughts and speculations didn’t have to go on for long since Lauren spoke up as if she’d heard your every thought. “This is my house, from now on you’re going to come over every weekend, got it?” You turned to her, face full of disbelief. That ridiculous sentence completely woke you up from your fear, is she kidding? As if you’d spend two days and two nights trapped in her house, with satan and its spawn.

It all felt like a joke really, none of it felt real, so you laughed like anyone in this situation would. “Y-you’re kidding, right? You hate me! I hate you! We shouldn’t even be near each other for an hour, no less two days!”And you kept laughing, damn near falling to the floor from how stupid this situation is. A slow chuckle came out of the lady in front of you, looking back up at her you wiped away the fake tears, but oh how fast your smile fell. Lauren wasn’t chuckling because she realized how ridiculous she was being, she chuckled to get your attention. She looked beyond pissed, as if she’d strangle you if she so wished.

Lauren walked closer to you and you walked back until your back unfortunately met with the car behind you. Lauren placed one hand on your hip, and the other took hold of your chin, “H-Hey I-I was j-just kiddi-” You were silenced. Lauren crashed her lips into yours before you could utter another word. Shock filled every part of your body, you were frozen still. Unable to react to this sudden change of events, one moment she was openly threatening death on one person, and the next she’s passionately kissing the person she’s been relentlessly bullying. The strangest part is you could see her blushing, her eyes squeezed shut, while yours were still wide open.

Just as you were about to pull away she beat you to it, she was looking down at you all flustered, face so red it made a mockery of tomatoes, and her face paint was smudged. “You better know what this means. You’re mine from now on, you will be mine until we both die. I-I’ve never lov… Fuck, whatever let’s get in the house a-and makeout or something…” 

The rest of the night was fuzzy, but all you know for sure is that Lauren never let you leave her side.

[screamingay]

baltimore goats show had the most banger setlist ohh my god going to queens damn these vampires first few desperate hours prowl great cain HE SANG SOLIDARITY FOREVER!!!!! not to mention the new album like fr mark on you and make you suffer were SO good and closing the QUADRUPLE ENCORE with training montage was so so so fun i mean it closed with either that or no children i dont rember rn anyway point is favorite band go brrrrrr lol OH and the opener was great listen to lightning bug

[burnedbyshoto]

strawberry milk & watermelon seeds

How to get through the worst summer heat: have a sweet drink, eat a sweet fruit, and have someone with the sweetest kiss around.

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pairing: todoroki shouto x reader

warning: fluff, cursing, one year later rewrite

word count: 2,855

a/n: so today is my one year anniversary of this blog. it’s been a rather weird and unknowing journey that I still cannot comprehend or put into words as to how this has changed me. one year later and I still love todoroki shouto the most, one year later and im still as invested into bnha as the day I first watched it. wild. anyways, thank you for watching my growth as a writer, and thank you for 14k followers in this single year. anyways, if you want to read the original to compare, here it is.

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“This day can not be any worse.”

With your sweating forearm thrown over your face, and the heat emitting from your face scorching your skin, your clammy skin provided small comfort from the overwhelming heat. Today, according to every news outlet in Japan, it was the hottest day recorded ever. At first, you didn’t believe it; your condo had cooled to near completion with your AC unit running happily in the background. You had spent your day free from work, merrily doing house chores while watching your old classmates text message thread blowing up with complaints about how torturous it was to be outside in this heat. (Even Bakugou who enjoyed hot weather because it benefitted his quirk was ready to go home and get into an ice bath.) That is, you were merry until your power went out.

“I thought you would be happy that you aren’t working right now?”

Ignoring the sweat the slowly pooled down your neck, you turned your head to look at your phone that stood against a stack of books. On the bright screen was Todoroki Shouto, who was wearing a shirt and a jacket despite the heat of the weather. Curse his fucking quirk. 

“It was a happy day until the power blew, and I was told that the power wouldn’t be back on until night!” you whined, fingers pressing to your forehead to wipe the annoying sweat on your face. “Now I’m miserable at home, it’s hotter than balls, I have no snacks, and I am not going outside like this!”

You lifted your legs off the couch, shuddering at your sweating thighs sticking to the material. This was the worst.

“I can come over in a bit; it’ll take me about twenty minutes.” Shouto hummed, his left wrist rising as he looked at his watch. His face had a small smile painted on; it was a new look he was trying as he had stated earlier. As part of being a hero that reassured everyone he rescued, he was working on his smile.

While you would never complain about seeing a kind smile on Shouto’s face, it didn’t help your hammering heart when he looked at you with it.

“What?!” you exclaimed a bit frantically, your hand snatching your phone on the table while sitting up on the couch. Your flustered face a bit too close to the camera while you watched Shouto stand up from his seat and gather his things without minding your attempts to have him not come over.

The thought of being horrendously sweaty around your crush was not something you wanted to do.

“Do you like strawberry milk?” Shouto asked you, his head tilting to the side. At the same time, he picked up his phone, leveling the camera, so it angled below his chin (and you immediately noticed that even with the awkward angle, he was still unfairly hot). “There’s a store on the way to your place that I like.”

A strange noise that crossed between a whine and a sigh emitted past your lips when his eyes locked on yours in question. It seemed that you didn’t have much of a choice.

“I love strawberry milk,” you begrudgingly admitted, watching with heating cheeks as Shouto’s face spread into a bigger, more full, and genuine smile. 

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit then. Bye.”

You couldn’t say goodbye back, your finger immediately hanging up on him and your body shaking in your nerves. For right now, you couldn’t tell why you felt overheated: the record temperature or the smile that made your heart stop.

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If your mother could see how you cleaned your home in the twenty minutes it took Shouto to get to your place, she would cry in joy. In fifteen minutes, you had swept, mopped, and cleared the countertops of the slight messes they had been and quickly bolted upstairs to change into something less sweaty while reapplying perfume and deodorant because you would not make a fool of yourself.

“You look like a mess,” Shouto called out immediately as he stood at your front door. Despite his introduction, his hands lifted in front of him, and he showcased the bag of snacks and tea he brought. 

Despite the initial feeling of wonder at opening the door to see him standing there in all his glory, his words' sudden bluntness immediately made your eyes narrow. 

“I don’t come to your house uninvited and roast your appearance,” you scoff, turning on your heel and letting him in. 

“Oh, was I not invited? I assumed I was allowed to come over, sorry,” Shouto’s voice followed after you, but it did nothing to keep him from staying. The two of you had grown incredibly close as friends. It was without question that he was allowed over whenever he wished, a detail that had taken quite a while for Shouto to accept. 

“I wouldn’t’ve opened the door if you weren’t,” you sigh, your hands fanning the back of your neck as Shouto placed his guest slippers on and walked over. He put the bag onto the kitchen counter before walking over to you, taking your hands and pressing his right hand to the nape of your neck.

“Just making sure,” he said softly, his eyes meeting yours in a careful gaze before his hand dropped in temperature. For the first time since your AC broke down, a shiver went through your spine. 

You had no idea whether it was from the sudden loss of heat from your body or his gentle yet strangely warm touch. But with the loss of being overheated and reaching a better point of homeostasis, you realized that you had been wordlessly staring into his eyes. Falling deep into the blue and grey, drowning in the way they bore into you gently, intently. 

“So, uh, what else did you bring me besides your stupidly advantageous quirk?” you asked, your mouth feeling unbelievably parched. At the same time, Shouto’s fingers slowly pulled away from your skin, leaving behind nothing but an exploding heart and raised skin.  

To that comment, Shouto’s eyebrow lifted, and his lip quirked a bit too, a teasing look on his face while the two of you began to walk to the bag he had brought. He grabbed the bag before you, bringing it close to his chest as if to keep it from you.

“Sounds like you’re using me for my quirk, y/l/n. That wouldn’t be very heroic of you.”

“I’m off duty, I can be an asshole,” was your quick response, your heart beating faster at the chuckle that rumbled deep in his chest as he untied the bag. His eyes rose to yours, inquisitive and teasing, and an eyebrow raised.

Shouto seemed to debate whether he should say something or not, your locked stares never wavering. But before you could question what was running through his head, he pulled out the items from the bag. Your jaw dropped in your sheer love for what he brought you: two sealed cups of strawberry milk, half of a watermelon with two scoops, and an arrangement of other snacks you loved. There was nothing he could do to stop you from scooping up your nacks in your arms, tears misting your eyes because, at this moment, your lousy day had become good again. 

“I hope you still like all these snacks, you always used to talk about them,” Shouto rubs the back of his neck, his gaze falling onto the sweet pink drinks before him. He grabbed the straws and punctured the drinks for both of you, and you looked at him with a smile of pure joy and disbelief. 

“This is perfect, Todoroki, really! I love this so much!”

Maybe if you had been looking at Shouto and not at the bags of snacks he had bought for you, you would have seen the flush color climbing the back of his neck.

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It had taken Shouto precisely two seconds to bring your condo back to a habitable environment, a feat that had you quite literally jumping into his arms in your excitement. But in your sudden burst of emotional energy, Shouto had been taken back so abruptly by your arms thrown around him that he had iced over your entire living room. Both of you had stared at the iced room with shocked gazes, and while he looked on in horror, your face split into a shit-eating grin.

So despite his initial decision to defrost the entire room, you said it was fine. Grabbing the frozen watermelon (you had to tear the melon and the two scoops off the counter as it had also been frozen, not to mention you almost ate shit if not for Shouto easily catching you) the two of you retreated to your shaded patio, sitting on the brick and tasting the sweet melon while idly chatting between the both of you.

“You got the watermelon with the seeds!” you laughed loudly, letting the small black seed fall from your bottom lip and onto your await palm. “We have transgressed the need for watermelon with seeds! Have you never gotten seedless watermelon?!”

Shouto shoved you with his shoulder, his face grimacing a bit when a rather sharp crunch came from his mouth. Your laughter growing louder when a fractured watermelon seed fell from his tongue. 

“The sign said it was seedless, besides it takes two seconds to get the seeds out, stop complaining.” Shouto groaned, placing the seed onto the pile the two of you had created. You had been taking a drink of the sweet milk as he said this, and his smile grew into a crooked grin at the sight of your eyes widening with the need to speak. 

Tearing the cup from your mouth, you swallowed the liquid quickly before jabbing a finger into his shoulder, “Tell that to my face after I accidentally swallow a seed and a watermelon grows in my stomach!”

“The day that happens, I will personally let you dress me up in Endeavor merch.” Shouto wagers, his eyes watching as you scooped out a bit of the watermelon and shoving it into your mouth. You contemplated his words, thinking about the horrendous merch his father had and the humiliation he would have if he had to wear it.

Your teeth bit onto a black seed, and instead of politely removing it from your mouth as you had been doing, you turned your head toward the fence and spat out the watermelon seed. 

“Oh, that’s tempting!” you sing out, your fingertips dancing against each other, a very comically villainous sight. 

Shouto scoffed, his head shaking as he chewed his own watermelon before spitting out his own seed. You watched it soar through the air before falling somewhere near where your seed landed. Ever the competitor, your head tilted, trying not to take it personally as Shouto finally spoke.

“Is it? Well, we both know it’s impossible.”

You shake your head at his true remark, your mouth once again full of watermelon, and you concentrated on the two black dots on the grass. Rolling your shoulders, you spit the seed sitting on your tongue, and you refrained from sounding too victorious when your seed was now the furthest one out. So with the calmness of a child who had done something terrible and was attempting to not be caught, you turned to Shouto with a wink. 

“Nothing is impossible!”

Shrugging, Shouto took another mouthful of the watermelon before sending a seed flying, landing what seemed like a centimeter further than yours. Your eyes narrowed at the taunting victory.

“Oh, but some things are,” it felt like he whispered that in your ear, and you turned onto him. Your fiery glare matching his while he took yet another bite of the watermelon. He did it without breaking his gaze with you, and an astounding grin spread on your face at the pure childishness of this all.

“...are you… are you challenging me?!” you accused, your eyebrows shooting to your hairline and your finger connecting with his nose.

Shouto smirked, his face turning back to the grass, and he spat out the seed, sending it much further than it had gone before.

“No. Not at all,” he said smoothly, his sight coming back to you, and as if to rub in the salt, he added, “We both know who’ll win.”

So, under the blazing hot sun, both you and Shouto sat with sticky sweet watermelon juice dribbling down your chin and black seeds soaring as far as they could go to only pathetically landing on laps. Slandering words were thrown about, but the echoing laughter told anyone who tried to overhear just how unserious this entire predicament was. 

Your fingers wiped at the bottom of your chin again while tears streamed down your face from the laughter. Shouto was in a similar position, his head leaning against yours as three black seeds failed to leave his mouth and chose to stick onto his chin. 

“Imma - holy shit STOP - Imma fucking pee my pants!” you wheezed, trying to focus on anything that wasn’t Shouto right now. “You look so dumb right now!”

“Your insults mean nothing to me because you’re jealous I’m winning,” Shouto forced out, his voice wavering with his own laughter and fleeing concentration.

“Only because YOU CHEATED!” you exclaimed, your fists weakly pounding onto his arm. “Who the hell burns a watermelon seed flying in the air if not to keep me from winning?!”

“Because you took five steps closer! That’s cheating!” Shouto pointed out, the back of his hand, wiping the sheen of watermelon juice and seeds from his chin.

“Whatever, I’ll end this all right now!” you rolled your eyes, and the both of you directed your attention to the nearly empty watermelon. Almost empty, save for one part that would be enough for one last scoop.

“That’s the last of the watermelon…” Shouto spoke softly, his hand grabbing his spoon the same time you did.

“Yeah, and?” you pressed, your gaze narrowing as he lifted his spoon, moving it to push against yours.

“You were the last one to spit,” he said, trying to box you out of the melon.

Your jaw dropped, and you pressed against his again, trying to keep him from doing as he pleased. “I called it first!”

“You can’t go twice!” he pointed out, his hand wrapping around your free wrist to keep you from potentially hitting him with that arm.

“You went twice earlier!” you countered, pushing forward, leaning on with all your weight in hopes he would back off. You had to win.

“I’m the guest at your house, be better accommodating!”

Push.

“Oh yeah?! Well, ladies, first!”

Shove.

“Clearly, I am acting more ladylike right now, so it’s not you!”

But in an unequal push, you sent Shouto and you tumbling off the patio and onto the floor with a thud. Your eyes were squeezed tight as the earthy ground made contact with your back, and you sighed, knowing you hadn’t been hurt. You saw the watermelon on the floor, the last scoop of the sweet fruit ruined with dirt and grass, but you froze when you became aware of the way Shouto had landed.

His forearms were planted onto the ground by your head, his eyes wide and his mouth parted slightly. His warm and minty scent easily carried into your nose like this, and the smell of the strawberry milk still clung to his lips. Immediately your face exploded in heat, and your sight went dizzy in the situation you were in.

“...the watermelon… um, you dropped the watermelon, Todoroki,” you painfully whispered, unsure if speaking would send him away from you, acting like this didn’t just happen. 

Your beating heart was loud in your ears, almost washing out the summer day's sounds as Shouto studied you carefully before turning his head to look at the indeed ruined watermelon. Still, he made no attempt to move off from on top of you.

“We can go buy some more in a bit.” 

“I… but Todoroki--” you almost shuddered, unsure as to why that simple sentence ignited something profound from within you.

“Don’t-” Shouto interrupted, his brow furrowed, and his eyes dark while he looked down. Shaking his head, your breathing stopped when his eyes met yours. There was no hesitation, no doubt, and something you never knew you would see in his eyes: adoration. “Shouto. Call me, Shouto.”

“Shouto…” you breathed out, the sound of his name on your tongue foreign yet otherworldly pleasant.

And his eyes warmed at the sound of his name, and you could do nothing when his sugary sweet lips connected with yours, pressing thoroughly and gently against yours. Today had been a mix of goods and bads. Still, the moment his lips claimed yours, everything in the world quickly faded away. There was nothing to focus on except Todoroki Shouto and the way that you would forever crave the way his tongue and kisses tasted like strawberry milk and watermelon seeds.

[thorne93]

History Repeats (Part 15 - FINAL)

Prompt: Life’s hard, right? Well throw in a not so great job, a broken heart, and chasing a pipe dream in LA. But could someone come along to make all the bad shit disappear? Or is he just another heartbreak waiting around the bend?

Warnings: language, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, angst/heartbreak, adult themes (??)

Word Count: 2986

Note: Aesthetic made by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo because she’s absolutely amazing Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo . Brainstorming from @carryonmyswansong

**Song Inspiration: 13 beaches - Lana Del Rey; Hoodie - hey violet

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Seeing Hayden… it sent you back down to ground zero. You thought your coping mechanisms were helping. You thought surrounding yourself with so many people and friends every night was softening the blow of losing him. 

But you knew it didn’t. Deep down, you knew the day he left your home, you’d never be the same. You would still feel entirely alone in a room full of people. You’d still want to see him before falling asleep and when you woke up. You’d still want to hear his voice as you shared good news. You still wanted to feel his arms after a long day. 

Nothing you did was helping, and you realized it. 

With a lot of work, you kicked your habits. First to go was the coke. You ordered all your friends to never offer you any and if they saw you with it to take it away from you. It took a while, but eventually, you were able to sit right next to someone doing blow and it not phase you. 

Next, was the booze. That was a lot harder. It was easy to reach for a drink. It was easy to go to a bar. It was easy to open a bottle in your house. So you started there. You emptied every bottle and threw them out. You only ordered water and soda when you went out. 

Every step was hard. Turning down drugs and alcohol was hard, but with patience and work, you got better at just saying no. Each day you put between you and your habit was a day you got back. You got back to songwriting now that you could think clearly and drugs weren’t clouding your mind. 

New songs and works in your hands, Trey agreed to get you back in the booth to finish out your EP to a full album. The response to the EP was amazing and you were already getting a lot of recognition. As soon as the album was to hit, Trey worked with a manager to get you a US tour.

The EP evolved, you added so many songs they had to cut a few just to wait for your next one. You worked on album art and merch. Things were looking up, and finally, your album dropped. 

It was a huge hit.

Every platform it went on, it exploded. Almost as if overnight, you were the next star. You had radio interviews scheduled, shows booked, photography sessions scheduled, critics and fans alike agreed that there was so much raw emotion and talent that they all wanted more. Trey and your manager couldn’t move fast enough to get you to every new gig you needed to be at. Merch was flying off the shelves, so to speak, and you were adored. Your fan base was growing every day. 

You were on top of the world, respectively. You loved your life now, and your bandmates were more than just that. They were truly your friends. They helped you when you were down and when you said you wanted to get clean, they supported you as well as everyone else in your circle. 

With your career finally where you wanted it to head, and your social life getting better than it ever had been, all that was missing was a love you weren’t sure you’d ever thought you’d get back. But like with everything else, you channeled it into your art, hoping for some catharsis.

Now the tour was next week, so you decided to take some time to write and reflect before you left LA to embark on this new chapter. 

----------------------

Meanwhile, in the city, Hayden had listened to your album for probably the tenth time. He was lying in his bed in the hotel. Your album had been on repeat and he didn’t know what to think.

The songs had to be about him.

Or maybe he just wanted them to be. 

Or maybe they really were.

But then again, that could be conceit talking. Surely you loved other people. He didn’t even know if you loved him. He had a hunch, based on your self-destructive behavior after the breakup, but he still couldn’t be sure and he didn’t want to just assume.

He decided to take action. He was tired of waiting. He texted a friend and asked where you might be. When his friend got back to him, he said the best shot would be the beach. When he asked which beach, what part, his friend replied with the spot. The exact same spot where he first asked you to date him. 

He threw on his jacket and made his way there. The beach was starting to get dark. An overcast covered the sky, but it was light enough to see everything. The beach was fairly deserted, as he walked up. He saw you, sitting in the sand, your knees pulled up so you could rest your notebook against it as you wrote.

The wind was strong, making it chilly, and to keep you warm, he recognized what you were wearing -- his hoodie. 

He watched you write for a moment, admiring how you looked. Your hair was shinier now than the last time he saw you. You looked better, and he was glad about it. 

“They’re about me, aren’t they? The songs? The whole album,” he said as he stood behind you. 

You stilled, stopping your writing. “Does it matter if they are?” Your stomach suddenly felt uneasy.

“Yes.”

You took a deep breath. “Then yes, they are about you. Is that all you came to say?” 

“No, it’s not,” he said as he came closer and sat next to you in the sand. He pulled his knees up and rested his arms on them, holding onto his hands as he looked out over the ocean.

“What else did you come here for?” you asked softly. 

“To apologize,” he began and you groaned gently.

“Hayden, we’ve been over this. I’m trying to move on with my life. I’m trying to get over you, if that wasn't evident by every song on that album.” 

He turned to you. “I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to move on or forget about me.”

“Oh, great, lovely then,” you said, getting exasperated. “If you’re here to hurt me more, please--”

“I love you,” he fervently said as his hands went to each side of your face. “I’m here to say I’m sorry for not saying it sooner. I’m sorry for breaking you the way I did. I didn’t mean to, at all, but then I did, and you were so hurt, I didn’t know how to help you.”

Your eyes searched his as he let go of you to look back at the waves. Did he mean it? Was he just saying that? Was this a cruel game? Why did he say it now? 

“You could’ve told me that,” you breathed. “You could’ve told me you loved me, it would’ve saved me.” 

“I know, but I didn’t want to use it as something to save you. I wanted to save you, or I wanted you to save yourself. I didn’t want me loving you or returning to you to be the reason you got better. I wanted you to realize that all on your own, to be your own hero.” 

You nodded as you muttered, “Thanks. It worked. I’m clean now. The last time we saw each other kind of… sobered me up.”

“I’m glad,” he said with a small smile. “Can you tell me what happened? We broke up and you… you went off the deep end. I know we were perfect, and I hated ending it the way I did but… drugs? Alcohol?” 

You chewed on your lips as you nodded. “Yeah, it was pretty stupid. I just… I looked to alcohol to numb the pain, you know? Not that atypical. I did it after Jason, that’s where you and I met, with me crying in my beer at a bar over my ex.” 

He nodded, understanding. 

“But then… it wasn’t enough. I…” You took a deep breath, fighting the lump in your throat and the fear of saying this. “I love you. I loved you. More than I’d ever loved anyone else, and suddenly the drinks weren’t enough to mask the pain. I needed something stronger. Anything stronger. I was seeing you every day at home and suddenly I couldn’t kiss you any more, I couldn’t hold you anymore, I couldn’t do anything with you any more. I couldn’t have what we had, and it killed me. I thought that if you stayed around, that if I let you live there, I could get over it. All I needed was you in my life, right?” you asked rhetorically with a sad laugh as the tears rolled down. “Then I kicked you out and it was worse. You weren’t there to help me, to brighten my day. You just… you left. I know I kicked you out, but I was mad, hurting, and high. I went to apologize and ask you to stay, and you were gone, as if you were never there. No note, no letter, no text, nothing. I felt like you were just waiting to get away from me.”

“No,” he assured while shaking his head. “That wasn’t it at all. I just didn’t want to make it awkward for you and I couldn’t watch you do that any more. I tried to talk to you a few times when you came home and you just blew me off. It was killing me to see you like that all the time. I wanted to help you, I really did, I just didn’t know how.”

“I know,” you said with a thick voice. “That’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. You broke up with me, and I handled it poorly. I just… I lost the greatest love my life had ever known. I finally found you, and you just left…” Your gaze turned on him, scorching him. “Why? Why did you give up on us? On me? I deserve to know,” you demanded in a whisper.

He nodded. “You do deserve to know. That’s why I came here. I’m tried of not being with you. I want you, I’ve always wanted you.” 

“So what happened?” you asked quietly, your eyes on his, trying to read his mind. 

“Do you remember that date at the restaurant, when Rachel showed up?” 

You nodded. “Of course. You were weird that night and the rest of the week before we broke up. I just assumed you weren’t over Rachel. Is that it? Was that it? =”

He shook his head. “No, not at all. She asked me outside, she wanted to talk…” 

“Hey, Rach, what’s up?” Hayden greeted once the two of them were outside. 

“Who’s that?” she wondered, getting right to the punch.

“That's Y/N. I’m staying at her place. She’s the one who owns the house where you dropped Briar off that one time.” 

“So she’s been around Briar?” she asked, sounding as if she were betrayed.

He laughed, looking around, confused. “Uh, yeah. It is her house. We went to the park and stuff. It was fun. Briar really liked her.” 

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear our daughter had fun with a stranger.” 

He frowned. “Rachel, what are you talking about? Y/N isn’t a stranger. I’ve known her for several months. We’ve been roommates for a while now.” 

“And how long have you two been dating?” she demanded.

“What makes you think we’re dating?”

“You’re on a date and you didn’t deny it.” 

He held up his hands and laughed slightly, no humor in the sound. “Uh, I’m not sure that’s any of your concern. You’re the one who left me.”

“It’s my concern if she’s around my child. Did you think to ask me before you took her on a playdate with your little girlfriend?”

“No? Briar has a right to know who’s in my life.”

“Oh, but I don’t,” she said, clearly offended and angry. 

“That's not what I said. Look, I care about this woman. She means a lot to me. I would like Briar to get to know her, I think she’ll be in my life for a while.”

“Not if I can help it. I don’t like her being around strangers. So long as you’re with her, Briar won’t be coming around.”

“What? Rach, that’s ridiculous. You can’t keep me from my daughter--”

“I’m not, you can come see her any time you want. I just won’t take her to her house. Jeeze, Hay, you don’t waste any time, do you? We broke up less than a few months ago and you’re already with someone else?” 

“We bonded. I don’t know what you want me to say. Do you want me to apologize for finding someone that makes me happy?”

“No, of course not. I want you to be happy, I’m just a little surprised that you found them so fast.”

“What? Am I hard to love or something?”

“No, I’m just wondering if she’s a rebound, so soon after we broke up and everything. I doubt it though. What kind of example is this for Briar?”

“The fuck are you talking about?” he asked, thorugohly confused.

“Well, her mom and dad just broke up, and in no time at all, you’re with another woman. It might make her think less of love. That if we can go from what we had and you can just hop to the next girl who says hi to you. It’s probably very confusing for her. Did you even think about Briar?”

“It’s not like that,” Hayden assured her, getting frustrated. “Of course I thought about her. I spent a lot of time with Y/N before I ever let her around Briar.”

“Ah, hmm, good to know you’ve spent so much time with her. It really shows how much you care.”

“I do care, Rachel. I still love you but we’ve agreed to end things. You brought it up, not me. Now, I’m trying to find happiness again rather than wallow in it.”

“Yes, that much is clear. Let’s just hope it’s not a rebound and both of you get hurt, hmm? Good to see you, Hayden.”

He explained everything and you sat there, dumbfounded.

“She used Briar Rose against you?” you questioned quietly, flabbergasted.

“In a way. I think she was ultimately jealous that I was moving on before her. I did love her, I still do. I mean she was a huge part of my life, she’s Briar’s mom. But I love you so much more. I just… what she said, I started to worry if it was somehow true. If I was setting a bad example for my daughter. The rebound thing didn’t worry me, I didn’t feel like it was a rebound for me, but I wasn't sure about you, so before anyone got hurt, I thought we’d end it. I thought maybe if we put some distance between us, we’d be okay. If we waited a few months, it would prove to us that we were okay, but then you took it so badly and it all got so out of control. I thought if I told you I loved you back then you’d just think I was lying or trying to get you to get better. I didn’t want it to be questioned when I said to you, finally.” 

You couldn't help but grin. “Failed on that front. Still questioning it.”

He took your hands in his.. “Well please don’t. I do love you. You aren’t a rebound, you never were. You’re no one’s replacement. I love you and only you.” He stroked your hair as he looked at you. “I just made a horrible decision to make a choice for both of us without consulting you.” 

You nodded slightly.

“And for that, I am  so sorry. I am sorry I wasn't there to help you get clean and I’m sorry I’m the reason you even had a problem to begin with. I love you so much and I’ll never leave your side ever again. Of course, that’s… if you still want me.” 

Your eyes flashed to his. “Of course I still want you. All I want is you. Did you not hear a word I said in that album? You’re all I can think about, you’re all I ever want. You’re all I will ever want.” 

He let out a relieved laugh. “I’m so glad you feel the same way. I’ve hated myself every day since I ended this between us. I’ve wanted to make it right, to come back to you for so long.” 

“I’m so glad you finally did,” you breathed as you looked into his eyes. You leaned forward, hoping you weren’t crossing a line, hoping against hope that he wanted this too.

Your lips hit his and life ignited in you. Your hands went to his hair and his hands wrapped around your back as he lowered you to the ground. His lips moved expertly and fervently on your mouth, as if it were the air that he breathed. 

When you two broke, you stared at him in wonder.

“Do you mean it? Do you love me?”

“More than I ever imagined was possible.”

“I love you too, please don’t leave me again.”

“I would never even dream of it. I’m here, and I’ll never go anywhere else. I’m yours for as long as you want me.” 

“I’ll always want you.”

“Then you’ll always have me.” 

That was all you had ever needed, from anyone. You thanked your lucky stars that it was Hayden who granted you that wonderful, beautiful, unconditional kind of love, the one you’d searched for all your life. The one you deserved, you finally had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

The Coup of the Dregs

Crooked Kingdom Chapter 27, starting on page 368

Word Count: 3,234 CW: Violence, blood, broken bones, cursing

Kaz made his way down the roofs, like a spider missing a few legs. He felt a wave of relief and dread wash over him as he finally approached his own window and picked the lock to enter. Sliding inside, he crouched for a moment and surveyed his surroundings.

The room was dark and cold. His desk had been upended, the fruit crates sitting against the wall while the warehouse door lay on the floor. His bedroom had been ransacked, nothing left in its place as those who would have called him ‘friend’ searched through his private belongings for any indication of treachery. Kaz stood and, cane tapping heavily on the floor, picked his way through his rooms. Luckily, at least one coat was still in good condition and he shrugged into it, feeling a bit better with that extra piece of mental armor.

On his way to the door, Kaz paused to dip his gloved fingers in the still standing bowl of water and run them through his hair, looking in the mirror to see that he looked as put together as possible. Stepping outside, he was just in time to catch a snippet of conversation among the noise from the house.

“Think we’ll land him tonight, old man?” Bastian, one of the older Dregs more faithful to the drink than any living human, asked.

Haskell lifted a walking stick with a fake crow’s head, an obvious attempt to mock and undermine Kaz that would have been the last straw if Kaz hadn’t snapped long ago, like a scepter. “If anyone’s gonna get that reward, it’s one of my lads! Isn’t that right?”

A cheer went up from the gang members crowded into the downstairs of the building Kaz had built from the ground up, from people who Kaz was responsible for feeding and housing and paying while Per Haskell strutted around like a peacock who thought his feathers were the best. That was all about to change.

“Old man.” Kaz spoke from the top of the stairs, watching in satisfaction as the entire building went silent and every eye turned to him.

Haskell’s look of surprise was almost comical, like something found in the cartoon section of the newspaper. His laugh soon followed. “Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch, Brekker. You have to be the craziest bastard I ever met.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Shouldn’t have come here--unless it’s to turn yourself in like the smart lad I know you to be.”

“I’m through making you money.” Kaz had groveled and obeyed orders long enough. It was time to make them.

Haskell’s face changed from humor to rage. “You ignorant little skiv!” He shouted, voice rising in his anger. “Waltzing in here like some merch at his manor.”

Kaz had been the one to pay, out of his own pocket, for the house they were currently standing in to be insulated and supported. He’d been the one to take this dump and make it into a place you could spend the night without having to worry about being rained on or having a pocket picked. With how much work and money Kaz had put into this place, how much pride and joy he held for the building, it might as well have been his manor.

“You was always acting like you’re better than us, Brekker.” Seeger shouted, holding a tin whistle he’d abruptly stopped playing when Kaz arrived.

He was right. Kaz had always kept himself removed from people, never getting too close to anyone. They’d wanted friendship and banter but Kaz had always had his eyes focused on something higher than that, on revenge.

“You got no friends here!” Bastian shouted at him. Along the wall closest to the front door stood the ones Kaz was truly there to reach, the youngest of the Dregs that had only ever known his leadership.

Kaz shrugged one shoulder almost lazily, keeping his body loose and wary for the fight he knew would be coming. Nothing in life was easy and he didn’t expect this night to go any differently. “I didn’t come looking for friends. And I’m not here for the washed-up cadgers and cowards, or the losers who think the Barrel owes them something for managing to stay alive. I came for the killers. The hard ones. The hungry ones. The people like me. This is my gang,” Kaz started his descent, cane thumping along with his words, “and I’m done taking orders.”

“Go get your reward, lads!” Haskell shouted.

Time seemed to stand still for a moment as they glanced around at each other, each man silently questioning if he was willing to attack Kaz. The next moment, they all had their answer and rushed the stairs. By the time the first wave had reached Kaz, they were nearly out of breath while he was ready for them.

In two arcs, Kaz slashed out his cane and broke both Seeger’s arms. Instead of facing Bastian head on, he slipped past him, all thought of the pain in his leg gone as his mind turned to the fight to come. Bastian tried to turn but Kaz was faster, jabbing his cane into the soft flesh between the other man’s thigh and knee. Bastian crumpled to the ground with a strangled cry of pain.

Kaz barely had time to take a breath when the next one was upon him--Teapot. He swung a bat at Kaz, glancing off his shoulder as Kaz ducked and dodged. He swung his cane in retaliation and struck him across the jaw with the heavy crow head, teeth flying out from Teapot’s mouth.

Kaz was still on the higher footing but they were coming faster now and he was quickly outnumbered. Varian, Swann, and Red Felix all rushed the landing with Milo and Gorka waiting their turn a few steps down. Kaz took a blow to his bad leg, stumbled to the side, and barely managed to dodge a blow from a nasty chain Varian was carrying. It smashed into the banister only inches from Kaz’s head but he didn’t have the time for the fear that the splinters flying might have been his skull if he hadn’t moved, already countering. He grabbed the chain and used the momentum to hurl Varian over the broken banister and into the hall below, where the crowd surged away as he struck the floor.

Swann and Red Felix flanked Kaz. Red Felix grabbed Kaz’s coat and yanked him backwards. He let his arms slip free of the coat in a smooth motion. Swann was already coming at him at that point swinging an axe handle studded with rusty nails with no direction. Kaz slammed the head of the cane into the  side of Swann’s face, breaking the cheekbone and caving his face into a bloody crater.

Red Felix used a sap to bat at Kaz’s right hand, sending the cane rolling down the stairs. Kaz didn’t have the chance to see where it went as he planted both hands on the stair rails and thumped his boots against the other man’s chest, shoving him down the stairs after the cane.

He had no weapon and no coat. He spread his gloved hands wide. Nothing up my sleeves.

Three more men pushed past Red Felix and moved on Kaz at once--Milo, Gorka, and Beatle. Milo shoved Kaz against the wall, using his fists to beat against his ribs and face. Kaz pulled his head back as far as it could go before slamming it forward and into Milo’s forehead with a sharp crunch. Milo took a disoriented step back and Kaz tried to keep his advantage.

There were too many men coming at him at once and he only had his fists as a defense now, blood running down the side of his face, lip split and leaking blood, left eye swelling shut, movements slowing.

Gorka got an arm around Kaz’s throat and Kaz threw an elbow into his stomach, breaking free. He surged forward and Beatle grabbed his shoulder, slamming his cudgel into Kaz’s gut. Doubling over, Kaz spit a glob of blood onto the stairs. Gorka took that opening and hit Kaz’s temple with a thick loop of chain. Kaz’s vision blurred and he swayed, falling to the ground.

The crowd cheered and footsteps pounded as Kaz went under, heavy boots kicking whatever parts of him they could reach. Through the wide slats of the railings, Kaz locked eyes with Inej, right where he knew she would be that whole time. She’d followed him from the hotel, had watched the whole fight so far, and would still have to watch some more. Kaz gave her the smallest shake of his head. If Kaz couldn’t prove he could take whoever he needed to in a fight and survive as many blows as he needed to, he wouldn’t earn the respect and loyalty of the older Dregs. He already had the younger ones, he needed to secure the older and more experienced ones if he didn’t want to start from the bottom again with a mediocre gang of children.

Kaz looked back at the fight, tried to rise. Beatle kicked him back to the ground, the group laughing. Gorka raised his leg and balanced his boot above Kaz’s skull, showing off for those below, already secure in their winning. He brought his foot down and Kaz grabbed it, in one smooth motion twisting it until he heard the ankle snap like firewood. Gorka screamed, high-pitched and wobbling.

Gorka hopped on one leg, his other foot still in Kaz’s cruel grasp, and kept on screaming like a goat in time with his hops. Milo and Beatle kicked Kaz hard in the ribs but he didn’t flinch, didn’t turn away from the mark in his hands. With a surge of strength, he shoved Gorka’s leg upward. Gorka shrieked again as his knee popped away from its socket. He fell sideways, crying now. “My leg! My leg!”

“I recommend a cane,” Kaz replied.

“Don’t kill him, you podge!” Haskell shouted as Milo pulled out a long and shining knife, raising it above Kaz’s chest. As he plunged it down, Kaz reached a hand out and wormed out a few of the rusty nails from an axe handle lying nearby. Kaz rolled out of the way just at the last second as the nails popped free, moving them to be claws between his fingers.

Milo’s knife stuck in the floorboards and he frantically tried to pry it free as Kaz was already moving again. He shot upward and shoved the nails into Milo’s throat and windpipe. Milo gave a soft, choked whistle before he fell. Kaz pulled himself to his feet with the banister. Beatle, after seeing what had just happened to the last two, held up his hands, one still holding a cudgel. Kaz grabbed a fistful of Beatle’s hair and yanked his head back. It cracked against the banister, ringing like a gunshot, before bouncing off the wood like a rubber ball. He slumped into a pile atop the others.

Kaz wiped a sleeve across his face to clear his vision, smearing blood across his face, and spat. He tugged on the wrists of his gloves, adjusting them, before looking down at Per Haskell from the second-story landing. Kaz smiled, teeth red and wet with his own blood, and rolled his shoulders.

More people had come in while the fight was going on and the crowd Kaz surveyed now was far larger than when he’d first arrived. “Who’s next?” Kaz kept his voice bored and steady, almost as if he didn’t truly care. He cared, almost too much. Now that the blood was out of the way, the true fight had begun. “Who’s coming? This is what I do all day long. I fight. When was the last time you saw Per Haskell take a punch? Lead a job? Hell, when was the last time you saw him out of his bed before noon?”

“You think we’re going to applaud because you can take a beating?” Per Haskell pulled his lips back in a sneer. “It don’t make up for the trouble you’ve caused. Bringing the law down on the Barrel, kidnapping a mercher’s son--”

“I told you I had no part in that,” Kaz rebuffed.

“Pekka Rollins says otherwise.”

“Good to know you take a Dime Lion’s word over one of your own.” Kaz’s words caused a murmur of dissent to filter through the crowd. When gang’s see their members as family, the bond was one forged in blood.

“You’re crazy enough to cross a merch, Brekker.”

“Crazy enough,” Kaz admitted. “But not stupid enough.”

The murmuring rose as this new topic was passed from person to person. They hadn’t thought that an upstanding merch like Van Eck would make a fake charge against a few Barrel rats and Kaz had certainly earned his reputation of nothing being too low for him to do.

“You were seen on Goedmedbridge with the mercher’s wife,” Per Haskell said.

“His wife, not his son. His wife who is home safe, beside her thieving husband, knitting booties and talking to her birds. Think for a minute, Haskell. What possible use could I have for a merch’s brat?”

“Bribery, ransom--”

“I crossed Van Eck because he crossed me and now he’s using the city’s henchmen and Pekka Rollins and all of you to even the score. It’s that simple.” Even now, when Kaz was trying to keep his voice as level and calm as possible, a note of discord and contempt slipped into it when he said Pekka’s name.

“I didn’t ask for trouble, boy. Didn’t ask for it and didn’t want it.” There it was. Per Haskell had just handed Kaz everything he needed to win over the Dregs.

“You wanted everything else I’ve brought to your door, Haskell,” he said. “You’d still be running the same penny-poor cons and drinking watered-down whiskey if it wasn’t for me. These walls would be falling down around your head. You’ve taken every bit of money and luck I’ve handed you. You ate up the profits from Fifth Harbor and the Crow Club like it was your due, let me do your fighting and your dirty work.” Kaz slowly looked out over his gang, at the people he had spent his life working beside and for. “You all benefited. You reaped the rewards. But first chance you get, you’re ready to cozy up to Pekka Rollins for the pleasure of fitting me for a noose.” Kaz paused for just a moment as another murmur rustled through the room. “But I’m not angry.”

The relief at that sentence was palpable. Out of the corner of his eye, Kaz could see Inej realizing just what the true fight was. It wasn’t the bloody battle that had been the opening act, it was words. Words would be the thing to sway the tide, to push favor from one leader to another. Words that were backed up with past actions and past words would be the things that would truly decide the fate of the Dregs. Kaz didn’t have the time to do a proper coup, to search out every individual member of the gang and turn them each against Per Haskell individually. So, he did it all at once. He swayed each of them with words and actions and the memories of other words and actions. Kaz was beaten and bloody but he was ready to do the real fight, the thing that would win over his people.

“I’m not angry,” he repeated. “Not about that. But you know what makes me mad? What really gets me riled up? Seeing a crow taking orders from a Dime Lion. Watching you parade around after Pekka Rollins,” again, that note of contempt slipped into his voice and bolstered his argument, “like it’s something to be proud of. One of the deadliest gangs in the Barrel bending like a bunch of new lilies.”

“Rollins has power, boy,” Haskell responded. “Resources. Lecture me when you’ve been around a few more years. It’s my job to protect this gang and that’s what I did. I kept them safe from your recklessness.”

“You think you’re safe because you rolled over for Pekka Rollins? You think he’ll be happy to honor this truce? That he won’t get hungry for what you’ve got? Does that sound like Pekka Rollins to you?”

“Hell no,” Anika called from the back of the crowd.

“Who do you want standing in that doorway when the lion gets hungry? A crow? Or a washed-up rooster who squawks and struts, then sides with a Dime Lion and some dirty merch against one of his own?”

Those nearest Per Haskell leaned away from him or took a few shuffling steps to the side now. Some were glancing at him, at the feather in his hat and the two walking sticks in his hands. They were a sharp contrast to each other, Kaz’s cane that had always been wielded with bloody precision next to the fake crow cane that must have been there to mock Kaz.

“In the Barrel, we don’t trade in safety,” Kaz drew their attention back to him with his gravel-lined voice. “There’s only strength and weakness. You don’t ask for respect. You earn it. I’m not your friend. I’m not your father. I’m not going to offer you whiskey or clap you on the back and call you son. But I’ll keep money in our coffers. I’ll keep our enemies scared enough that they’ll scurry when they see that tattoo on your arm.” That tattoo that had been excruciatingly painful for Kaz to get with how much touch was involved but that he had pushed through and now held as a badge of honor. “So who do you want in that doorway when Pekka Rollins comes to call?”

Silence filled the room like a living thing, like a bomb that could go off at any second as soon as a pin was dropped. Finally, with his chest puffed out, Per Haskell was the one to shatter it. “Well? Answer him. You want your rightful leader or some jumped-up cripple who can’t even walk straight?”

“I may not walk straight,” Kaz replied. “But at least I don’t run from a fight.” He began descending the stairs, his limp pronounced.

Varian had risen from the floor where he’d been thrown and, despite walking like a drunk rat, he moved toward the stairs in an almost respectable show of loyalty to Haskell.

In another show of loyalty, Pim separated from the wall and blocked his path. “You’re through.”

“Get Rollins’ men,” Per Haskell barked to Varian. “Raise the alarm!”

Anika drew her knife and blocked the entryway. “You a Dime Lion? Or are you Dregs?”

Kaz limped down the last set of stairs, having to hold onto the banister in the absence of his cane. As his feet touched the ground floor, the crowd parted to make a path. Per Haskell’s face was red with fear and outrage. “You’ll never last, boy. Takes more than what you got to get past Pekka Rollins.”

Kaz yanked his cane out of Haskell’s grip. “You have two minutes to get out of my house, old man. This city’s price is blood and I’m happy to pay with yours.”

[themenof--birmingham]

Lucky

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Requested?: Yes- ohnogirlhere- Maybe you can write something about fan girl who was given the opportunity to play in Peaky Blinders and fall in love with Cillian and he had same feelings for her?

Warnings: none

You had been waiting weeks for this moment. Ever since you got that video call from the head Producer of your favorite show, Peaky Blinders, you were ready. There weren’t many things that happened in your life to consider yourself lucky. Ever since you entered that fanfiction contest and won, you finally felt like your luck was turning around.

What’s better than a cash prize? Getting a fully-paid round-trip flight plus hotel accommodation close to the set of Peaky Blinders. Oh, and not to forget...getting to cameo in an actual episode? Your inner fan-girl was on full alert.  

The moment the plane wheels skidded to a stop, your anxiety and excitement went through the roof. You had to keep pinching yourself to remember what was happening.  

While you had gotten the trip for 2 persons, everyone around you had other pressing things to deal with, leaving you to travel alone. Lucky enough, when you told the production company about being alone, they decided to take the difference in money and get you a bunch of Peaky Blinder merch instead!

The cab ride to your hotel went smoothly. When you checked in and made your way to your room, you felt yourself relax a little. The room had two queen-sized beds. While you lay down in one, the other was stocked with the merch. You chuckled to yourself, wondering how nothing could top this feeling.

A little later in the afternoon, you got a call from the production office advising that they were sending a car to pick you up and bring you to the studio. The moment the phone call ended, you rushed to take the quickest shower of your life and change into a fresh outfit, ready to face anything.

The car was there, just as they said, and the drive over was quiet and simple.  

The moment you stopped, a representative came over, greeted you warmly and began guiding you to the hub of other producers and directors.

You kept looking around, waiting to catch a glimpse of any of the actors you came to admire. Your biggest crush was, of course, Cillian Murphy who portrayed the infamous Thomas Shelby. You were familiar with so much of his work, but you really wanted to see him in his full Shelby outfit.

After an hour or so, the same greeting rep sat down with you and went over the script. She pointed out your lines and helped you get a sense of the part they wanted you to play. You listened intently, not wanting to be the reason the shoot got extended. You were determined to make this work, just so you could sit back and watch the rest of the production.

As the rep stood up, ready to take you over to Hair and Make-up, she noted, “We’re in a bit of a rush today, so I’ll introduce you to the cast after your shoot is over.”

You smiled, already bubbling with anticipation.

-

You emerged on the set, dressed and ready to perform. This was your first acting opportunity, but you felt as though your life depended on it.  

The moment you stepped foot in front of the camera, a member from production was there to guide you to your mark. You stood with a few other unknown faces as you waited for the main cast members to arrive.

The first to show was Joe Cole and right behind him was Paul Anderson. Your inner fan-girl erupted with glee but you held out until the main star emerged.

He didn’t take long; Cillian Murphy dawned his Shelby cap and approached. When he saw the camera, his kind face turned into that of Thomas Shelby. You stood and watched him in awe. Your heartbeat echoed in your ears as you admired the older gentleman.

The scene started and ended quicker than you expected. You mustered up your courage to say your lines and then when the director called “Cut!” you released a pressured breath.

The other members dissipated and headed to prepare for another scene.

You headed back to Hair and Make-up to remove your outfit and make-up. Surprisingly, the room was empty. Quietly, you changed your clothes and grabbed a couple of make-up remover wipes.  

You were so focused on getting every last mark off your face that you didn’t hear the door behind you open.  

“Oh, my apologies,” a warm, oddly familiar Irish voice greeted you.

You turned to face the person and gasped slightly when you came face-to-face with none other than Cillian Murphy.

He still wore the Shelby cap but now he was walking towards you. “Didn’t mean to startle you. Just came in to get my phone.”

You watched on, awestruck, as he reached around you to get his phone from the counter.

He stood up straight once more and met your gaze. “Are you new here? I haven’t seen you before.”

Finding your voice, you replied, “Y-Yes. I’m just here for one scene. I won this writing contest so here I am.”

He chuckled at your discomfort but went on to say, “Well, I’m sure you did well. Today’s schedule been going quite fast.”

“Well, I just hope I don’t look like a complete fool.”

He chuckled once more and noted, “Impossible. You’re far too fetching to be seen as a fool.”

Holy crap. Did THE Cillian Murphy just give you a compliment? You weren’t prepared to respond to that.

Catching himself, he hurriedly said, “Hey, so this may be out of line, but a few of us are going out for drinks after today’s shoot. Would you perhaps like to join us?”

“Yes!” you said, a little too fast in retrospect.  

He laughed and his grin reached his eyes. “Excellent. You can show me what you wrote that won you the contest. I’m sure it’s riveting.”

You scoffed and replied, “Well, it was fanfiction so I'm sure you’re not going to be too thrilled about it.”

“Nonsense. What kind of fanfiction?”

You took a breath before responding. “It’s a story about an original character planning her future with Tommy Shelby while facing off with Alfie Solomons.”

“Did you fashion the original character after yourself?”

You blushed. “Maybe.” You nodded shyly, smiling at him.

Cillian cleared his throat before speaking again. “It’s quite loud in a bar. Would it be alright if we discussed the story after? Maybe we can get something to eat and chat.”

“Just us?”

He nodded and replied, “Yes, just the two of us. It’s not every day you meet a gorgeous contest-winning author. I’m intrigued.”

“Alright then. What time should I meet you?”

He extended his arm and said, “Give me your number; I’ll message you the details.”

You awkwardly held his phone in your palms, not wanting to drop it by accident. Once your information was entered, he smiled and tucked the phone away.  

“I didn’t even get your name.”

“It’s Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N.”

“It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Y/N. I’ll see you later?”

You nodded and he turned to leave. Alone once more, you let yourself squeal and jump up, thoroughly amazed that you pulled off an entire conversation with Cillian.

All that was left now was to prepare for the night’s events. You were thrilled beyond compare. There was nothing that could top this euphoria.

[sunsetinmyvein]

I Know That I’ll Lose - Chapter Thirteen - Love Me (If That’s What You Wanna Do)

Just like the mornings prior, the light streaming in through the large windows in Matty’s bright house woke her up. However, unlike the mornings prior, the tangle of arms and legs, the arm around her stomach, the soft snoring in her ear and the curly hair tickling her cheek were a welcome new addition. Her eyes took a brief moment to adjust to the room around her. It was nice not being jetlagged, or hungover, it meant that she had enough braincells functioning to accurately recall the events of last night. She shuffled slightly, moving to grab her phone from the bedside table to check the time, only to feel Matty’s arm tighten around her and pull her back into the middle of the bed.

“Stay in bed.” He mumbled; the tone of his voice thick with sleep.

“I thought you had stuff that you’re meant to do today?” She questioned, letting him keep her there anyway.

“Don’t care. Want to stay here with you.” He answered. She already felt that heart-warming feeling spreading through her chest after remembering how last night had gone, and he was very easily amplifying it tenfold with such a simple comment. 

“When did you get so sappy?” She muttered as she pressed her forehead into his shoulder in an attempt to hide the blush covering her cheeks.

“I will be as sappy as I damn well want.” He laughed as he squeezed his arms around her, trailing kisses from her cheek to her lips. Fucking hell. How did she ever think that she stood a chance to not fall prey to his charm?

Which pulled her mind back to how they’d left things last night. “So…” She cleared her throat anxiously. “Uh, when did you wanna talk?” It seemed best in her mind to just get it over with.

“Whenever you’re ready to.” He shrugged.

She paused for a few seconds. “Now?” She suggested.

He let out a deep sigh, ending it in a yawn as he rolled over, stretching his arms above his head. “Let’s head downstairs, then.” He nodded. “We can chat over breakfast.”

They made their way downstairs, Y/N/N taking a seat at the small outdoor table as she watched him potter about the kitchen. He hummed quietly to himself as he searched the cupboards for something basic for the two of them to eat. The contented atmosphere around him was plain to see. It was nice seeing him at ease when he was frequently so tightly wound or on edge about something.

  He sat down at the table, setting a mug down in front of her as he cradled his own tea in his hands. As he stared down into his cup, he tried to carefully picked his words. Where to begin? “I guess I should start with: I’m sorry about the bet. It er, got a bit out of hand, I suppose.”

“No kidding?” She replied sarcastically as she took a sip of her drink. He couldn’t help but let out a laugh at that before pulling himself back on track.

“It started as just messin’ about. I liked your company and you gave me a run for my money. I didn’t know what I wanted out of what we had because I wasn’t sure how I felt. I thought…” He swallowed hard, hating that he had to admit the next part. “I thought that I just liked having you around because you helped me deal with my thoughts when they were… getting difficult. I told you that things run smoother for me with company, but I truly struggle without my friends. I wouldn’t have been able to get clean - stay clean, if it weren’t for them. I rely on them massively. When you came along, it was easy for me to shift some of that emotional reliance onto you.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” She frowned. Had she known that was the case, she would’ve been able to offer some assistance through his rough patches rather than watching him suffer in silence.

“Because I thought if I told you that I felt dependent on you to stay in a good headspace, you wouldn’t wanna be around me anymore. It’s hardly charming to hear that I don’t function properly alone.” He answered truthfully. “In my best efforts to avoid confronting that, I did everything I could to keep you around without being open about why. And the bet seemed like a good way to do that. If I kept dragging it out, it gave me an excuse to stay in your life.” He elaborated.

“Matty, you didn’t need an excuse-”

“Yeah, I know that now, Y/N/N.” He grinned. “But hindsight is twenty-twenty. As it so turned out, anyway, that wasn’t why I was so hell bent on keeping you around.” He pointed out as he took a swig of his tea.

  “So…” He stared down at the hole in his jeans, picking at it absent-mindedly. “I ignored my motivations behind what we had for a long time, and gradually they changed without me noticing. It wasn’t until George talked some sense into me after tour ended that I realised why I’d been doin’ it.” She stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. “Because I was into you, too.” He clarified with a roll of his eyes.

“You see? See how it fucking feels to have someone make you say it?” She laughed as she shoved his shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah. I said I was sorry, all right?” He chuckled. “I only realised it while you were away working at that show.”

“Is that what that voicemail was about?” She asked in surprise as the pieces suddenly clicked into place.

“Uh, kinda. More so what the call the next day was about. And why I asked you to come out here. Once I was aware of it, I finally had to do what you’d been bugging me about since we’ve met and actually work out what I wanted.” He said with a short laugh. “I wanted to tell you, I knew that much. But the rest I needed a bit of help with.”

  “And that brings us to the difficult bit that you didn’t want to confront: what happens after all this is said and done.” He added as he stood up and walked over to his coffee table. He opened the drawer on the side of it, pulling out a stack of papers. Glancing at the cover quickly to double check that he’d definitely grabbed the right thing, he made his way back to the outdoor table. “Because I know that us being into each other doesn’t mean much if I end up on tour for the majority of the year.” He flipped through the pages anxiously, choosing his words wisely before he spoke. “I want you to come and be the director of our merch.” Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. What? “It’s, erm, it’s a real job. Not something daft I made up like the Rome merch gig. You’d be in charge of our whole merchandising operation: organising stock levels, contracting out the merch jobs to the venues as we tour, making sure that they set it up correctly and that sales are lining up. Sam and I would still be designing our stuff, but you’d do pretty much all the rest. I know you don’t like sitting around doin’ nothing, so it’s proper work. You’d pretty much have to live on the road with us, have downtime when we record or have downtime ourselves. But, um, you don’t have to decide now.” He handed her the thick wad of paper. “This is the contract. Read it over, make sure you know what the job is. And don’t say yes because of me. The offer isn’t anything to do with me, it’s The 1975 exclusive. It was George’s idea actually, it didn’t even come from me.” He laughed lightly, scratching nervously at the back of his neck. Ah, that explained their secret conversation yesterday. “But I don’t want you to say yes because you think I want you to. Which is not to say that I don’t want you to, it’s just…” He let out a deep sigh as he tried to get his thoughts back on track. “Whether you say yes to the job or not, it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t change any of my opinions. And if you say yes, anything that happens between us, good or bad or nothing, it doesn’t affect the job, yeah?” He had too many things on the list in his head to try and convey that he was starting to worry that his point wasn’t coming across coherently.

  She stared down at the papers in her hands as she mulled over the offer. “This is incredibly generous, but I don’t want to be taking someone else’s job away from them.” She said as she went to pass them back. He just pushed it back into her grip.

“You’re not.” He assured. “Previously this is something that Jamie or I did. It’s about time we delegated, so if you don’t take the job it will be offered to someone else.” As he spoke, the sound of his ringtone started filling the air around them. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the caller ID. Realistically, he shouldn’t have been surprised. “Ah, shit… That’s Hann.” He huffed, running a hand through his hair. There was still so much more that he wanted to say.

“Are you running late?” She asked.

He nodded. “I gotta go meet the guys at the studio. I’ll be back in a bit. Read the contract, see what you think. Jamie said you can have a week to think about it before he looks for another person to fill the position.” He explained as he made his way inside, throwing a jacket over his shoulders. “There’s a spare key on top of the fridge if you need to duck out.” He shouted as he headed towards the front door. A quick goodbye was thrown over his shoulder, before the heavy door was pulled shut, and she was left by herself to digest all of this information.

  She migrated back inside to sit on the couch as she flipped through the contract. He was right about it being a proper job offer. Everything was listed in these sheets of paper, from the amount of hours she should be expecting to work down to how she would have to filter any posts online about the band. The pay was… more than adequate. There were even clauses in there about the contract not locking her into any long-term agreements, she was free to leave when she wanted. It was a tempting proposition. She loved doing merch work, and she’d been doing it on and off for over a decade now. It made sense to take a leap into something more permanent than just taking jobs as they were offered to her during peak touring season. Controlling a whole merch operation for an entire band would be an interesting challenge to tackle, a rewarding one she suspected. But this was much bigger than just a job. It would mean uprooting her life at home, committing to a life on the road. And as much as he said that it didn’t, it did mean committing to Matty to a degree. Whether that was in the sense of a relationship or not, it meant that he was going to become a permanent fixture in her life. Was she certain she wanted that? She’d had less than twenty-four hours to come to terms with the fact that her feelings were actually reciprocated. And did he actually want that? It was a while of her looking at the pages before Allen came to find her; the big dog padding into the living room and watching her with curiosity. She read and re-read certain clauses as he jumped up on the couch and rested his head in her lap, trying to find something that would either seal the deal or break it. But in the end, it was her decision to make. She had to weigh up the pros and cons and decide what was going to give the best outcome.

  * * *

 Matty made it to the studio a bit breathless, having half jogged there in an effort to not be too late. They were meeting with someone to sort out the pressing of the album on vinyl, and the meeting had started fifteen minutes ago. He exchanged a few quick greetings with the people mingling around the front of the building before making his way down to the back room where he knew the rest of his band would be waiting for him.

“So sorry!” He blurted out as he stepped into the room. “Time got away from me this morning.”

“Not like you to be late.” George stated, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. Matty could hear the teasing tone underlying his voice.

“Yes, well…” He tried to think of a witty comeback as he shrugged his jacket off. But he found himself coming up empty.

“Are they the same clothes that you were wearing yesterday?” Ross questioned, eager to jump onto this bandwagon.

“Did you sleep in those?” Adam chimed in.

Matty sat there in silence, running a few responses through his head. None of them were going to get him out of this. “So, we need to get Notes out as soon as possible,” He started, opting to change the topic instead. George sniggered a laugh under his breath.

  The meeting went well. They organised that the vinyl could be out in a few months once they were ready to go ahead with the final master of the album. A few last administration bits and pieces were confirmed. They lined up their next few social media posts and when they would be posted. Things were really starting to come together. Once it was just the band left in the room, Matty finally felt the stress release from his shoulders. He knew he was about to receive a hard time from his mates, but at least now he wasn’t gonna have to let strangers in on his personal life. 

“Why were you actually running late?” George asked eventually. “Did you finally talk to her?”

The smile he was trying to conceal gave him away before he could even start talking, earning a chorus of approving noises from his friends. He waited until they’d calmed down for a second before he spoke. “Yeah, we’re on the same page now.” Matty nodded. “And I was going over the contract when you rang.” He added, gesturing towards Adam.

“Ah, shit. Sorry, man.” He apologised.

“It’s cool.” He shrugged. “I left it with her so she had a chance to read it.”

  “And?” George urged.

“And what?” The lead singer frowned in confusion.

“Are you guys together now or what?” He clarified.

“Oh, erm, well…” Matty started hesitantly. He hadn’t had the chance to get to that bit this morning.

George let out a loud groan in annoyance. “You still didn’t ask?”

“I didn’t want her to feel weird about it! Throwing the job offer and that at her in one morning seemed like too much. I just told her that it didn’t matter if we were or weren’t, the position was separate to all that.” He explained. Adam nodded in agreement. “I was gonna get to that part once she knew if she wanted to join the team or not.”

“Well, we won’t keep you any longer then.” Ross said with a nod towards the door. “Go see what she has to say.”

 * * *

  The sun was beginning to set by the time she heard the front door lock click open. Allen instantly jumped off the couch next to her to bound towards the sound of the noise, and she heard Matty greeting his dog eagerly before seeing him step into the living area.

“Sorry, I tried to get out as quickly as I could.” He said, kicking his shoes off.

“How was the meeting?” She asked as he flopped down onto the couch next to her.

“Good, yeah.” He said with a nod. “We sorted out a few last things with Notes so it should be right to go soon.” He eyed the papers sitting on the table. “So, uh… how did you get on with the contract?” He asked, clearly anxious about her answer.

“It’s very… thorough.” She chuckled.

“George wrote it up with Jamie to make sure that all the legalities were covered and you had an out if ever you wanted one. We of all people know how rough this sort of lifestyle can be.” He should probably stop talking about the downsides of the job if he ever hoped for her to want to accept it.

“I went over it a couple of times, the job itself seems great.  The only things that worried me were having to relocate my existing life at home to commit to living on the road with you lot. I don’t know if I could cram my life into a suitcase. And I’ve never handled something as major as this. There’s a lot to learn, with pretty high stakes involved and I’m sure I’ll be being thrown straight into the deep end.” She sighed, feeling the sense of dread at fucking it all up sitting at the back of her mind.

  “However, despite of all of that, I’d like to take the job.” She grinned. He couldn’t help but match her smile as a wave of relief washed over him. When she’d started talking about the negatives, he was sure that it was going to lead to her turning the offer down.

“Welcome to the team.” He said, holding his hand out to her for a handshake. She laughed lightly before shaking it. “We’ll have to head down tomorrow to get all this finalised and tell the guys.” The excitement shone in his eyes.

“I look forward to it.” She replied.

“That just leaves one last question, then.” He continued, wanting to keep the ball rolling.

“Hm?”

“What did you want to do about us?” He asked as he tried to maintain his usual confident bravado, at least until this conversation was over.

  “Ah, yeah… about that…” She sighed. His hours out of the house had also given her a lot of time to consider what she wanted out of all this - out of him. “Matty, you are quite possibly the most egotistical and arrogant person that I’ve ever met. You are relentless when you’re right, and just as difficult when you’re wrong.” These were things that he was already well aware of, but he couldn’t help the pang of hurt in his chest at having to hear them again. “And yet, for whatever reason, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since we met.” She huffed. What? “Which might be because despite the incredibly annoying traits that you possess, you also possess many redeeming ones. You’re passionate and kind and endlessly talented.” He could feel his cheeks warming slightly at her words. “You go to the ends of the earth for the people that you care for. You’re smart and funny and fuck. I don’t think I could continue ignoring my feelings for you, even if I did want to.” She admitted as she ran a hand down her face in frustration. “Even at my most blindly stubborn, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if I committed to being around you more than I already am. Especially after everything that’s happened since I got here.”

He considered what she was saying carefully. “What did you want our next step to be, love?” He asked, wanting to leave the ball in her court and not push her into anything. 

“I’d be keen to give a serious relationship a try if you were.” She answered bluntly. He let out a triumphant laugh. “Don’t get too cocky now that you managed to win me over.” She cautioned him, but her smile betrayed the warning in her words.

“Too late. That ship has long since sailed.” He said as he pulled her into a tight hug.

  She hugged him back just as tight, glad to finally have it all out in the open. It was probably going to be a bumpy road ahead, with a million setbacks and challenges. But she was pretty excited to be facing those things with Matty by her side.

“To think, you got yourself into all this mess with a troubled musician just because you didn’t know how to reprint a t-shirt.” He scoffed as he pulled back. She could hear the joking tone in his voice, but the incessant need to correct him still bubbled to the surface.

“That is not at all what happened.” She argued.

“I’m fairly sure it is.” He nodded. “Pretty sure that I walked in there, you needed me for help with the shirts and then you begged me to hang out with you more.” He lied.

“I’m certain that you are the one who bothered me to hang out with you more.” She shot back. The smirk on his face made it pretty clear that she’d just taken the bait. Again. “Stop being such a twat.” She laughed.

“You make it way too easy.” He replied with a chuckle before leaning down to kiss her.

 Last Chapter

Next Chapter

[lonelypond]

Parent Trap, Ch. 3

Love Live, NicoMaki, 3.1K, 3/?

Summary: Maki heads to Philly, after some pointed questions from Grandmama Nishikino; Nico seizes the stage; Eli worries.

Another First

Eli hadn’t been sleeping so when Mischa came out and saw her Mama sleeping on the couch again, she curled up against her, humming.

“Nontan?” Eli muttered, but the weight on her side was a light one, “Misha?” Eli was wide awake.

“You have a bed, Mama.” Misha stated.

“I know, baby. I’ve just had to stay up late and I don’t want to disturb your mother.”

“What’s been keeping you away from me, Elichi?” Nozomi drawled, wrapping her robe around herself as she entered the kitchen.

“Well, you.” Eli thought, but she just hugged Misha and yawned, “I’ll be in bed early tonight.”

Nozomi leaned on the counter,“I look forward to it.”

Eli ignored that, giving all her attention to her daughter, “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Caramel popcorn.” 

“Popcorn isn’t breakfast food. How about cereal, that’s crunchy.”

“Okay.”

“Here you go,” Nozomi pulled puffed corn cereal off the shelf, “Put some blueberries in.”

“Good idea, Mom.”

“Thank you, baby bear.” Nozomi winked at Eli, “All my ideas are good ones.”

Eli remained silent. She couldn’t figure out, besides her usual matchmaking tendencies, what Nozomi might be up to. But she needed to know details before she needed to do damage control. But Nozomi, unusually, wasn’t being quick to gloat. Which worried Eli even more.

###

Maki was glad Dia was asleep. The Nishikino matriarch was about to make Dia’s Mama’s life very difficult and Maki didn’t want Dia picking up on her stress.

“So, Maki, why are you suddenly flying to Philly?” Coffee was never just a pleasant drink shared.

“Got a ticket to a concert. It’s the only one I can make. I want to pick up a lot of local history books for Dia.”

“Concert? The symphony? Philadelphia is….” “No.” Maki shook her head, speaking slowly calmly, nothing to see here, “Singer, friend of Eli’s.” “Oh.” The strategic sip.  Maki countered with a glance at the time.

“Thank you, Mama. Dia was very excited about coming here…” Her mother raised an eyebrow, “Has Dia met your new…” hesitation, fraught with meaning, “friend?” Maki shrugged, “We had a casual lunch. She knew a fun place to go skating. The Ribbon downtown. You should take Papa.”

“I’ll be sure to get the details from Dia.” Her mother was really going to interrogate her one year old grandchild for details about Maki’s date. And then the internet. Oh gods, Maki paled, what did you get when you searched Nico? What kind of things did she wear onstage?

“I really have to go.” Maki stood, going to kiss Dia before she left. “I’ll call you when I land.”

Her mother nodded, “Be careful, dear.” “I always am.”

Maki wondered what her life would have been like if she’d been a little less careful.

###

Nico stared at the message that had just pinged in.

M: So, I’m in Philadelphia tonight. But your show is sold out.

Nico snorted. Of course her show was sold out, all the tickets were gone in two hours. 

Another ping.

M: I was hoping you could sneak me in ; )

N: Nico doesn’t do groupies.

M: Does this outfit work? I usually go to symphonies. Then the snap. A short, plaid skirt, textured and torn stockings, the kickiest of designer boots, a cropped NicoNi t-shirt under what looked like a cashmere swing coat. Nico whistled.

“Cocoro?”

“Yeah, sis?” “Find Maki and bring her to the green room. Fast. She looks like this.” Nico handed Cocoro her phone.

“Is she the one with the little girl?”

“Yes.” “Doesn’t look like anyone’s mother.” Cocoro snapped. “Just go get her.” Nico ordered.

Exasperated, Cocoro zoomed out the door.

“And be friendly.” Nico yelled as the door closed. 

Nico leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling, willing herself to focus on the concert, the audience, the fans eager for a Nico Ni knockout show. She could feel the buzz, the call to burst out onstage. She never started late, but tonight, tonight, there would be a slight delay because Nico was going to claim a good show kiss from her newest fan.

###

The screaming. It was everywhere. It was insane. And EVERYONE was singing along with Nico, waving lights, hands and banners in the air. And Nico was a shower of meteors, almost literally, lights and energy and sound making her seem like a series of explosions speeding across the stage.

Maki sat on a stool after trying to keep up for awhile when she caught a glance and a wave in her direction from the star of the show. The nosise and bustle was starting to give her a frowning headache; she wanted to have bought earplugs. She caught glimpses of molded foam in the ears of all the staff. Because they were music professionals who wanted to retain as much of their hearing as possible. And Maki was an idiot fangirl in too little clothing to be warm. She pulled her cashmere coat around herself and watched, unable to look away, from Nico executed sharp and perfect breaking moves in summer beachwear. Constant motion and spotlights must keep Nico warm, because there wasn’t enough fabric to.

Maki zoned out, watching Nico in a detached fashion, as she ignored the blur and bustle around her. And then the stage went black, and the audience was still for enough of a heartbeat to startle Maki out of her fugue state, and then when the NICO! chants picked up volume, Nico was suddenly in front of Maki, hands on either of Maki’s knees, curving upward to smack a kiss on Maki’s lips. Maki fumbled backward and one of Nico’s hands reached around her waist.

“AMAZING RIGHT!” Nico was glowing and shouting and Maki was too aware of all the people rushing toward Nico and crowding both of them. Awkwardly, Maki slid off the stool, into a sweaty Nico hug. And Maki was calm for however many seconds that lasted, but then Nico had her hand and was pulling her toward the stage, and her sister, headset on, was covering her mic to yell things at Nico Maki couldn’t understand. At the edge of the stage, Nico turned to Maki, “Encore. Wait here.”  And then the roar as Nico walked out for another song, Maki, realizing she was on the verge of hyperventilating, turned and sprinted to where she thought the exit to the what must be a cooler quieter hallway would be.

###

Maki paced. She had leaned against the wall, eyes closed, already caught up on her messages, made a sad sounding TWIG post, hummed through the Nico songs she could remember, wondered if Dia was sleeping okay and if she’d missed Maki’s usual bedtime story. All of that and Nico was still somewhere else. So Maki was pacing. And then a door banged open and there was a slightly out of breath Nico, oversized neon pink hoodie over white and pink heart leggings.

“There you are. Nico couldn’t find you.” Nico waited for Maki to finish her circuit and return to where Nico stood. 

“Are you done?” Maki grumbled, then winced.

“Nico’s never really done on a concert tour. Perqs of being the boss.” Nico waved her arms, “Everything is Nico’s.”

“Don’t you eat. Or sleep?” This was obviously going to be  more complicated than taking Nico out after the show to the quirky diner Maki had researched

“Yes, Nico eats. We go back to the hotel. Cocoro’s already ordered enough food for three crews.”

“Oh.”

“Did you want to take Nico out?” Nico almost giggled about how cute it was, but the tremble of Maki’s jaw stopped her and she swivelled into enthusiasm, “That sounds perfect. Nico is starved.” “Really?” Maki’s body language looked less defeated.

“Let’s go.” Nico took Maki’s hand, and with the other, pulled her phone out of the hoodie’s kangaroo pocket, “Cocoro? Nico needs the limo now...and make sure everyone is taken care of…” Nico glanced at Maki as she listened to the reply, “I don’t know when I’ll be back. Don’t worry,” Nico winked, “Maki’s taking care of me.”

“I could call a car?” Maki offered. “Nah, Nico’s driver is used to things and doesn’t mind driving around if there’s no parking. And the sound system is crazy good. We can play anything you like, if you’ve had enough Nico.” Maki, with Nico on her arm giving her the complete Nico charisma package, couldn’t keep the huge grin off her face, “Well, I did sit through an entire concert.” “But Nico didn’t sing your favorite song.” “Huh?”

And Nico, grinning devilishly, dropped her voice and “Stuck On You” echoed through the hallway.

###

The third restaurant/bar that had a kitchen that closed early. Maki had growled and stormed out, Nico had smiled, apologized, and tipped the bartender who had delivered the bad news. Then she’d rushed outside before Maki flipped a car or wandered into traffic...Nico stopped, Maki was standing outside the bar, a couple steps down from the door, one arms holding her coat closed, the other holding a phone she might have been shouting at, but she was looking more like crying than car flipping. 

“C’mon.” Nico grabbed Maki’s arm, pulling her toward the car, “We’re going to grab a couple of the coolest pizzas in Philly, take them back to Nico’s suite, and catch up on Nancy Drew.”

“Nancy Drew?” “CW teen horror with a diversity of brave, pretty people, and a conniving lesbian lovely. It’s fun.”

“Horror?” “Spooky mystery. Scarier than Scooby, but not too gory. Nico and Cocoro watch on the road so we can catch up with Cocoro and Cotaro when we get back home. You like pizza right?” Ah, something Maki could grab onto, “Yes, I like pizza.” “Did you pack pajamas?” “No.”

“No?” That made Nico pause.

Maki twirled a curl of hair into a thin twine, “I mean I brought sweats…”

“Uh huh,” Nico held the car door open, “Nico will grab you sweats and a t-shirt from the merch stash. Fresh off the runway. That outfit is super hot, but doesn’t look curl up on the couch with pizza comfy.”

Maki smiled, finally,  as she adjusted the very short skirt for sitting, “It’s really not.”

###

The pizza was square. 

“It’s square.” Maki said, sitting back from the box, sliding farther back into the corner of the sectional, the lights of Philly bright behind her in the floor to ceiling windows.

“It is.” Nico sat solidly center, setting up her laptop.

“And gooey.” Maki pulled a piece out of the pie, examining it quizzically, “Crispy crust, then cheese, then sauce.” 

“Smells amazing.” Nico leaned down the couch to sniff, then snagged a bite. “Nico likes.” “Hey!” Maki pulled the pizza away from Nico while managing to lean toward her, “My slice.” “Sharing is sexy.” Nico stared into amiable amethyst, trying to keep her eyes off the slightly too tight V neck she’d pull for Maki.

Maki raised an eyebrow, “Leaving enough pizza for your date is sexier.” “Hey.” Nico opened the second box to wave under Maki’s nose, “Nico bought two pies, with the selection of their best toppings. Paid cash.”

“Yeah, good pizza in Philly seems to be a cash only deal. It’s weird.” Maki sat back, pizza gone in three bites. 

“Puts more money into pizza, less money into credit card fees.” Nico started on a slice of her own as Maki grabbed one from the second box. “Philly’s got weird vibes, cool weird vibes, though. All the history stuff adds awesomeness.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to see the Liberty Bell tomorrow. I told Dia I’d bring her back a lot of books.”

“Nico can make some time in the morning..” “Really?”

“Sure.” Nico wasn’t actually sure Cocoro would agree but the thought of Maki bright eyed and eager wandering historical Philly in search of things to take home to Dia was too cutesweet to miss. “It’s right downstairs.”

“So,” Maki swivelled her way out of the corner, now fully leaning on Nico, “What’s this scary teen show you want us to watch?” “Haven’t you ever heard of Nancy Drew, girl detective?” Maki giggled, “Of course, I have, Nico. But you’ll need to catch me up on the plot so far.” Nico decided she’d had enough pizza and dropped her arm around Maki’s shoulders, encouraging closer snuggling, “Nico is the best at catching people up. So, there’s Nancy. And George, who’s running a diner, and then Bess who’s living out of a van, and Ned Nickerson is working out of a garage and he and Nancy have this relationship that she won’t admit is a relationship and…”

Maki put her head on Nico’s shoulder, still managing to keep a constant pizza chew going, “Where’s the scary?”

Nico leaned over to hit play on her laptop, “Oh, you’ll see.”

###

Voices. Maki must be up. Nico smiled at the memory of an adorably exhausted Maki too sleepy to keep her eyes open through more than one and a half episodes of Nancy Drew. Nico let the coziness on the couch linger for the rest of the ep, but then grabbed a pillow and blanket from her bed and tucked in her surprise overnight guest right where she was. Nico wrapped a robe around her camisole and shorts and stepped into the sitting room. Maki was sitting in the solo chair in the far corner, staring out at the Philly skyscape, mug of something on the table next to her, smiling at her phone.

“No, Mama won’t be back for lunch, Dia. We’ll have breakfast tomorrow. I had square pizza for dinner last night. And cold pizza for breakfast.” Maki waved a slice at the camera. “PIZZA!” came the squeal from the phone, “Mama, want pizza.”

Guess it ran in the family, Nico chuckled to herself, probably best to leave Maki and Dia alone, no telling who else was in on the call and waking up in someone else’s hotel room usually required explanation. Nico ducked into the bathroom.

Dia had been fussy last night, missing Maki. Maki hadn’t missed Dia as much as she feared, but gleamed when Dia wanted to video chat over breakfast. 

“We’ll get pizza for dinner tomorrow, bun.” “NOW.” 

Dia seemed more interested in having pizza than having Maki there.

“I’ll talk your grandmother into pizza for you, all right.”

“Pizza.” Dia's volume was a shout, “And Mama.” “I won’t be back until late tonight, Dia. But I’ll have a bunch of presents. I’ll read you a book if you’re awake.” “Book…” Dia’s face lit up, “Bedtime story.” “Bedtime story for Dia, about the Liberty Bell.”

“Ring!”

Maki laughed, “Let me talk to your grandmother.”

###

A knock on the door. Maki must have ordered something. Maki seemed to be saying goodbye so Nico answered it. A hotel staffer stood, black waxed canvas duffle bag and matching garment bag in hand, “Ms. Nishikino had her luggage sent over.” “Oh, thank you.” Nico was still in her bathrobe, so she took a good look at the nametag, “Nico will leave you a tip when she checks out, Terry.” Nico took both bags, surprisingly heavy. She didn’t hear Maki’s voice so she figured it was safe to speak.

“They brought up your luggage.” “Oh thanks.” Maki bounced into the main part of the sitting room, “I’ll take that.”

“Nico needs a tip.” Nico refused to turn over the garment bag when Maki’s hand closed over hers. “Oh…” Maki seemed confused and reached for a pocket but the Nico Ni pink sketch sweatpants had none. 

“Not what Nico meant.” Nico stepped closer, lips pursed, closing her eyes but not before she caught the flaming blush across Maki’s cheeks. A quick, tingling brush across Nico’s cheek and Nico let Maki take the luggage.

“Did you leave Nico any pizza?”

Maki nodded, not making eye contact.

“Maki?” “‘m sorry I feel asleep…” A mutter, then a sigh, “It wasn’t much of a date.”

“Don’t worry about it. Nico had a great time. I was really glad you came to see the concert.” Nico raised a hand to her temple, “It’s a big change from the first night we met on that balcony, Nico Nico Ni. Nico likes this better.”

Maki, eyes suddenly glowing like Nico had stirred up banked embers, stepped in, one hand sliding around Nico to pull her closer, as their lips fumbled into a demi-passionate melding. 

“Me too. You’re amazing.” Maki whispered, still close enough that Nico wanted to bite forward, “I’d love to come to every concert.” Another kiss, even less breath left for talking, Nico pushed a little, “Free tonight?”

And that broke the spell. Maki stepped back, regret pursing her lips into frown lines, “Evening flight. Sorry, Nico.”

Nico slid her hand down Maki’s arm, until their fingers were intertwined, “Can’t blame Nico for trying.” Maki’s grin gleamed, “Are you planning to monopolize my time from now on?” A quickly stolen kiss as Nico said, “Yes.”

“Good.”

“Hey,” Nico, hand still holding Maki’s, pulled her toward the couch, “If you ever want to come back to Philly and stay longer, we can get a crib in this suite. Probably take a week to really find out what Philly’s best square pizza is. I’m sure Dia’d like a vote.”

Giggling, Maki let Nico pull her into an embrace, her head falling back to Nico’s shoulder, “Sounds like fun. Dia’s first plane ride.”

“Do you really want to go sightseeing now?” Nico whispered in Maki’s ear, fingertips playing with the hair at the back of Maki’s neck. “Nico…” there was a shiver in Maki’s voice so Nico’s lips followed the path of her fingertips.

Nico’s hand was now sliding into the V neck of the Nico graffiti portrait shirt, “You can pick up something for Dia on the way to the airport. My driver knows all the best places.”

Maki slid down the couch, forcing Nico’s hand to linger by her ear, “Nico…”

“Yes?” Nico flipped, so that she had Maki pinned down, leaning in, hovering near enough to lick Maki’s lips if she’d moved her tongue at all. And then in a blink, Maki had surged up, her arms around Nico, lips crashing in a completely unguided, stunner of an amorous explosion.

Another “Nico,” more plea than pleasure.

Maybe Maki wouldn’t be making her flight. Or Nico’s concert would go on without the main act. Nico didn’t really care. Time could stop right now. Maki was melting, hair vivid and sexy as she curved sensuously against the pale neutrals of the couch, and Nico, all Nico wanted to hear was how often Maki could moan her name. No audience had ever hit exactly that tone, that grab, that fuel. A new world, just for Nico. Time to explore.

A/N: Howdy.

[secretobsessionstuff]

Could I request a fic with your sweetest, softest male character? He has a really terrible stomach flu (fever, shivering, cramps, cant stop throwing up or retching even when he's empty) and is trying his best to hide it from his friends-- maybe afraid of being a bother. Bonus points for eventual comfort and lots of belly rubs.

Dude this is such a good request! I love when characters hide being sick!! thank you. This ended up being rather long, for me anyway, so I couldn’t add in everything you wanted. But I would be willing to write a second part to this fic if anyone was interested. 

---------------------------

Alexi felt disgusting, but he looked pretty darn good for someone running a 102.2F temperature. He didn’t have much choice; it was either admit to feeling like absolute garbage, thus ruining the whole day for his friends, or keep up the façade and pretend that his eyes weren’t melting inside their sockets.

So yes, Alexi looked perfectly normal…he hoped. Though his cheeks were flushed, the convention center was insanely hot and crowded for anyone to think something was wrong. He just pushed through the mass of people, knowing that in such tight quarters he was spreading his flu…well like the plague.

It felt like the plague anyhow. His head was throbbing, as if his brain were trying to escape through his ears; that unnatural chill that only came from a fever was causing goose bumps to pop up all over his arms and down his back; and his belly was roiling.

As Madix, Riley, and Micah were all waiting in line to get pictures with obscure, second choice and therefore affordable actors, Alexi snuck away to the bathroom for what felt like the billionth time that day. By noon, he was very aware of where every single bathroom was located in the building.

This trip to the toilet was like all the others. He locked himself in a stall and gave himself permission to express the pain he felt clear across his face. Hugging his aching stomach, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to take slow breaths through his mouth. Alexi had no way of knowing how high his temperature had gotten since that morning, but he could tell he was feeling worse. Breakfast was sitting heavily in his gut which he knew wasn’t going to be there for much longer.

The nausea was intense, so much so that he needed to brace himself against the stall walls to keep himself upright. This time he was lucky that there was no line to get into the bathroom, because he felt dangerously close to seeing partially digested waffles fill the toilet. Alexi’s Adam's apple was bobbing up and down like a buoy on the choppy ocean. He continuously swallowed down waves of saliva. As he shoved the bottom of his palms into his eyes, his knees gave up and he slumped to the tile flooring.

With his elbows on the dirty toilet seat, he spat sticky tendrils into the bowl. Deep and guttural burps echoed in the small space around him, and could probably be heard by every other person in that bathroom, but he couldn’t find the effort to care.

A gag suddenly took him, and he found himself leaning into the toilet, prepared to catch anything his stomach was going to send up. His jaw felt tingly and heavy, but still nothing came up but wet belches. One harsh heave interrupted the burps, but it was dry. The second heave came soon after and this one was much wetter. It brought up gush of thick pale vomit that made Alexi shiver as it rushed up his throat. Tears leaked from his eyes from his eyes and his arms felt weak as they supported his body. A deep groan was heard from his stall as Alexi flushed the toilet and left while rubbing his face. The few stares from the witnesses didn’t bother him, not while his stomach was bothering him so much more.

Alexi returned to the line after having cleaned himself up. He washed his hands, gargled water in his mouth, and splashed his face so that he didn’t look so ashen and sweaty. Of course, as he met back up with his friends, a new wave of sweat had broken out across his nose and a new chill shot down his back. He wrapped his arms around themselves, partly to stay warm and partly to hide the goose flesh that any sane person would question in this scorching room.

Alexi ducked under the rope and joined his friends halfway through the line. He plastered his happy-go-lucky smile on his face and said something random. That was one of the downsides of always being chatty and bright – it was so much more obvious when something was wrong.

His boyfriend seemed to relax slightly once Alexi had returned. Micah took Alexi’s hand and swung it against their legs. He gave Alexi a quick peck on the cheek, but he moved away rather slowly. The smallest trace of worry crept across Micah’s features, though it dissipated as soon as Madix changed the topic of conversation.

The lineup took ages. Thankfully, it gave Alexi time to rest. He wanted so badly to sit down but he knew that would draw attention to himself. So, he stayed standing, shifting his weight back and forth on his legs. Alexi soon rested his chin on Micah’s shoulder, hoping that it came across as boredom and not fatigue.

Micah gave him a strange look. Though before he could question it, Alexi excused himself to the bathroom once more. As he turned to leave, Micah grabbed his wrist.

“You just went, Lexi,” Micah remarked. “Besides it’s almost our turn.”

“I know, but I’ve been drinking a lot of water.” Alexi looked around nervously. “I’ll be quick I promise.”

Alexi wasn’t quick. In fact, he stayed in the bathroom even while the three other boys got their pictures, autographs, and merch. Micah was getting worried. As the three of them left the line, Micah’s eyes were darting in all direction, looking for his boyfriend. There weren’t even any bathrooms in sight.

“Micah, slow down,” Riley said as he struggled to keep up with his cousin. Madix was trailing behind as well.

Micah bit his lip worriedly. They were stopped in the middle of the room, with booths and people all around them. “We have to find Alexi. He won’t know where we are.”

Madix urged the group to the side of the room where the likelihood of being trampled was far less great. “He has been gone a long time. Is he okay?”

“I don’t know.” Micah started to chew on his thumbnail. “I’m gonna go look for him, you guys stay here so we can meet back up.”  

Micah embarked on his mission. He pushed through slow walkers and squeezed past people in amazing yet impeding cosplay. The first bathroom he saw was his destination. He made a beeline for it, and just as he came upon the door, Alexi emerged. He hadn’t spotted Micah yet. Micah noticed the way his boyfriend held his stomach and the way he staggered slightly as he walked. He called out to him.

Alexi jumped, but quickly composed himself. Before the pair could head back into the madness of the con, Micah pulled Alexi to the wall.

“You were gone forever, Alexi.” Micah said, sounding a bit annoyed, though he changed his tone to something softer as he carried on. “What’s going on? Are you feeling alright?”

Alexi slumped his shoulder against the wall. Apparently, he wasn’t so good at hiding his pain. In that moment, he was sure that his face was sickly green and betrayed the truth of how he was feeling. The sour taste of vomit was fresh on his tongue, but he tried to ignore that while he spoke. Micah didn’t need to know that he was throwing up, because then he would surely make them all go home, and Alexi couldn’t do that. They’d all been waiting a year for this con. He could keep up the semblance of health.

Alexi’s face turned red. “My stomach was a little upset, but it’s better now.” That was lie…but Micah didn’t know that. In truth, Alexi’s stomach was killing him. He would have loved for Micah to take him home.

“You sure? It’s okay if you need more time, I was just worried before.”

“Yeah I’m sure, let’s go.”

“Okay…” Micah said hesitantly. He wasn’t entirely convinced, especially with the way Alexi was holding his belly, but he didn’t want to press the matter and make Alexi embarrassed.

It was easy enough to find Madix and Riley. They were pulled off to the side of the room, casually watching the cosplayers walk by and gawking at their favourite characters come to life.

When Alexi approached them, he looked less alive than he had seconds ago. His belly was still so upset, despite having just thrown up; apparently, he rushed himself a bit too much. He stumbled to the wall and caught himself, narrowly stopping his aching head from colliding with drywall.

“Whoa Alexi,” Riley said, reaching his hand out to grab his friend’s shoulder, “you look rough.”

Madix got closer as well, which Alexi wasn’t too thrilled about considering that he was pretty sure he was about to heave his stomach into his hands.

Madix looked back and forth between Alexi and Micah, wondering if Micah had noticed his boyfriend’s state. “Lex, you look like you’re about to pass out. Your face is grey.”

Micah wanted to jump in and relieve Alexi of everyone staring at him, but he really did look awful. Perhaps it was worse than what Alexi was letting on. “Babe, I thought you were feeling better. Tell us what’s wrong so we can help.”

As if he were drunk, Alexi’s vision darkened and he swayed where he stood. There was no denying it now, not when his friends were interrogating him like this. “I feel awful,” he admitted, while dragging his back down the wall and sitting on the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and groaned.

At the same time, the three other boys all crouched down as well. When Alexi’s eyes focused, he found both Micah and Madix staring at him worriedly. But they were so close, too close. He only wanted Micah. Just Micah and no one else. He wanted to be away from all the noise, the people talking, the bright lights, the crowds.

He put his head in his hands. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I tried to ignore it, but my stomach is a mess, I can’t stop throwing up, my head is killing me, my –”

Micah put his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “What! You threw up?”

Alexi nodded miserably.

“Oh Alexi,” Madix added, “you should have said something.” He gave a sympathetic look to the sick boy, seeing the way his nose dripped with sweat.

Madix instinctively reached his hand up to touch Alexi’s forehead, then paused with his hand hovering halfway in the air. “May I?”

Alexi nodded weakly, already aware of what Madix was going to find. His golden curls were brushed back by Madix’s cool hand that felt nice against his burning skin. He leaned into the touch, momentarily letting someone else support the weight of his head.

“Shit, man.” Madix pulled his hand away slowly. “You’re on fire. No wonder you feel like crap.”

Alexi moaned and curled in on himself. “I feel like I’m gonna be sick.”

“Yeah, we’re going home right now,” Micah said decidedly. “Lexi, can you stand?”

Alexi probably could not have stood up in that moment, but he didn’t need to try because it was then that his stomach decided to spasm again. He retched emptily at first, succeeding only in making his body lurch forward. Everyone took a step back out of shock, and everyone except Riley moved back to keep Alexi from falling forward.

The second heave burst from his chest, sending up a thick wave of vomit that covered his legs and dripped down his chin. Alexi choked out a sob and squeezed his eyes shut as a felt his stomach do another flip. By this point, Micah was rubbing his back and muttering something sweet he couldn’t hear. Blood was pulsing in his ears, making him dizzy and drowning out any attempt at comforting him.

God, he felt so sick. His stomach continued to contract painfully, even when he had nothing left to throw up. He clutched at his chest while he heaved dryly in the crowded room. Thankfully, Micah and Madix were partially covering him from view. This privacy, however, did nothing to lessen the gut churning sensation in felt in the pit of his stomach.

By the time he finished, his cheeks were streaked with tears, his chest was tight, and his hands were shaking. The worst part was that he still felt like hell.

Micah was soothingly brushing his hair away from his face. “Alright, take it easy, babe. Try to catch your breath.”

“I feel so sick,” he moaned while looking at the mess drying on his crotch. “I want to go home.”

“I know you do.” Micah said, still gently massaging Alexi’s head. “Madix and Riley went to find the car, so you don’t have to walk as far.”

Alexi wanted to thank his boyfriend. He wanted to apologize for being sick. He wanted to do so many things, but he couldn’t even keep his head from lolling around. He simply closed his eyes and wished for the day to be over. He wished to be lying in bed while Micah played with his hair. If it was any consolation, part of that wish came true. 

[summerinawinterdaylove-blog]

After Dark

Hi! This is my first fanfiction posting and I’m really really excited about it. If you read, please be sure to share what you think! I have no followers yet so, hopefully, this doesn’t flop 😂😅🤞

A quick 2.8k fic about secretly being friends with benefits with Shawn... and nothing more. Right?

Warnings: Smut, alcohol and drug use, vulgar language, non-vegan food.

The smell of the tender meat doused in red wine and garlic wafted throughout Shawn’s kitchen, a random playlist echoing through his Bluetooth speakers. He’d just gotten in from tour the morning before, taking a day to spend with his family… and now he was intent on seeing you. As soon as he had the chance he was texting you, asking you to come over for a late dinner and a movie, just to hang out.

You’d been friends for years, very close friends at that… who occasionally fucked. Maybe more than occasionally, but… technicalities, right?

He settled on making rib-eyes with the red wine sauce you really loved and a blueberry spinach salad with goat cheese medallions that he’d tried while on tour. As soon as he tasted it, he thought of you and how he had to make it for you. He always pretended that he hated cooking but he found every excuse he could to make a meal for the two of you.

The song turned to Pusher Love Girl by Justin Timberlake causing a smile to form on his face. He picked up his half-full bottle of Corona, taking a quick swig and then singing into it like it was his microphone and he was onstage. He danced around his kitchen, totally unaware of the fact that you’d helped yourself inside.

There you stood, leaned against the doorway, your arms crossed and an amused grin on your face, enjoying your concert for one. It was good to see him, you’d been to a couple of shows when he was nearby but that had been a couple of months ago and you’d never gone quite so long without seeing each other. Seeing him onstage was an experience all on its own but it was nothing compared to being alone with him.

He felt your eyes scanning over his body, admiring how he wore only a grey pair of sweats. His arms looked even more defined than usual and his ass just the slightest bit perkier. He’d definitely been working out. He grinned, checking you out just as openly.

“You look good, Mendes.”

He smiled, “You look pretty great yourself, honey. Now you just gonna stand there or are you gonna come give me a hug?”

Your stomach did somersaults at the mere thought of being close to him again. You missed how his skin felt against yours, his breath hot against your neck, him. Of course, you gave him what he wanted, walking over to where he was and wrapping your arms around his neck. He quickly placed his beer on the counter, wrapping his arms back around you, his hands resting at the spot just above your ass.

His eyes trailed down to your lips, covered in your favorite red lipstick, the perfect contrast to the comfortable clothes you were wearing. You opted for a simple pair of black leggings and one of his pink merch hoodies, nothing too extravagant, but you figured you wouldn’t be clothed for too long anyway. You left your vans at the door, your feet covered only in a silly pair of socks with his face all over them that he’d gifted to you before tour began.

“I really missed you,” his voice sounded raspy and soft as he spoke lowly as though there were other people in his condo that he didn’t want to hear him.

You ran your tongue over your bottom lip, biting it between your teeth, your eyes trailing down to his lips this time, “I missed you too, Shawn.”

He slid his hands down just enough to rest on the swell of your ass, pulling you closer against him, “Well we’re together now…”

You swallowed the lump in your throat down, nodding at him in response and then hearing the sizzle of the pan that brought you back to reality. You wanted him to take you right then and there but he’d worked hard on dinner for you and you didn’t want his efforts to go to waste.

“We’ll take advantage of that… as soon as we’re done with dinner, okay? Smells really good.”

He smiled softly, both of you a bit clearly disappointed but you had the rest of the night to love on each other, “Thank you, hun, hopefully it tastes just as good.”

He kissed the top of your head and reluctantly pulled away from your grasp, reaching into his cupboard for two plates, “What do you want to drink?”

“Corona’s fine,” you grinned, walking over to his refrigerator and helping yourself.

As you sat together to eat dinner you enjoyed some good laughs, hearing all about his best tour experiences… and the not so good ones.

“I really wish you could’ve been there to experience it too, you have to promise you’ll come to more shows next time,” he told you, taking the last bite of his steak, his lips wrapping around the fork as he did. “I don’t like going that long without seeing you.”

You chuckled, “Alright, fine, but you’re gonna have to talk some of our other friends into it too. It would look weird if I just showed up to a bunch of shows and we disappeared together randomly, everyone would start to catch on.”

“Well, yeah,” he started, gulping down the last of his Corona before standing to his feet and starting to clean his mess, “but fuck them.”

You laughed, sure that he was joking with you, “Fuck them?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged, “they might speculate but it’s not really their business if we’re fucking each other or not, is it?”

“Well, no, but-“

“So fuck them,” he grinned at you. “Tell me, Y/N, how did it feel for you? Going without me for three months?”

“Shawn,” you chuckled, “what the fuck are you getting at? Don’t beat around the bush with me.”

“I’m not getting at anything, I’m simply saying I didn’t like going that long so if they’re gonna speculate… I don’t really care.”

“Alright… you’re telling me you didn’t sleep with anyone else for those three months?” You finished your meal, getting up and cleaning your own mess, an eyebrow raised as you glanced at him.

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you,” he finished washing the dishes and uncovered a dish of brownies, slicing into them with a nearby knife. “I got by merely with my hand and the thought of you.”

You weren’t expecting that.

“Oh…” You responded, finishing loading the dishwasher. “I didn’t know we were, like… exclusive.”

Shawn didn’t turn to face you, only continuing to slice into the brownies, but his movements did stall for a moment, “I mean, we don’t have to be… I just thought… it’s okay if you’re sleeping with other people…”

“No, no…” You leaned against the countertop, watching the movement of his hand, not comfortable enough to look in his eyes. “I’m not, I haven’t…”

“Oh,” he sighed involuntarily, “cool, okay.”

He carefully got himself a piece of brownie and extended one to you, “They’re the special brownies so one is more than enough, alright? Please don’t get seconds, I don’t think you’ll be able to move if you do.”

You snorted, taking the brownie and immediately biting into it. This was your typical night together: food, having a drink, getting high, maybe throwing a film on, fucking a time or three and then sleeping. He was never fond of the idea of you driving in a state like that or taking a random uber in the middle of the night and you only ever did this stuff after dark.

You finished your brownies, sharing a glass of strawberry mint infused water and then walking into his bedroom. He started fussing with the tv, putting his Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets dvd into the blu-ray player. You got yourself cozy on his bed, yawning quietly and stretching your tired legs out over his mattress.

“Fuck, I’ve missed this bed,” you poured. “I think I was having withdrawals.”

“You could’ve slept in it while I was gone but you refused to take the key,” he chuckled, finally getting the movie started and getting comfortable on the bed next to you.

You glanced over at him, the dim lighting of the bedroom wasn’t ideal to get in the mood but the mixture of missing him, the high and how good he looked you were already there. Your eyes slowly made their way over the broad expanse of his shoulders, the way his chest looked more defined than it had last time you’d seen him, his stomach tighter too. His hands were folded over his lap and although he wasn’t hard, the grey sweatpants left little to your imagination (even though you’d obviously seen his cock before.) One of his legs were stretched straight out, the other bent, his foot tucked under his knee. He looked at peace.

When your eyes worked their way back up to his face you realized that he’d been watching you just as closely, his lips parted just a hint, his eyes completely focused on yours.

“You’re too far away,” he commented.

“Then come closer.”

He needed no more persuasion, swiftly closing the gap between you. He gently placed his right hand on your jaw, his thumb lightly caressing your cheek as he slotted his lips over yours. The kiss was just what you needed, traces of hunger and need making themselves apparent without a single word necessary.

He delicately ran his tongue over your bottom lip and you immediately granted him the access he was longing for, opening your mouth enough to allow his tongue to fall into delicious rhythm with yours.

You smiled against his lips, the entire situation making you overwhelmingly happy. You’d spent so long missing him and wishing he was home, wanting to have a night in with him and spend ages making out with him… and now here you were, his lips against yours and no plans outside of each other for the next 24 hours.

He slid his left hand under your hip, gently guiding you to move onto his lap. You did so, never breaking the kiss, a knee on either side of his body. You could feel his hardening cock resting along the inside of your thigh and it only caused the ache in between your legs to increase.

You needed him so bad.

“Baby,” you moaned into the kiss, shifting just enough to rest your clothed heat on top of his length, rocking your hips desperately over him, needing the pressure. “I know we usually take our time but I just… can’t. Not tonight. It’s been too long.”

“Jesus,” he breathed, knowing you meant it whenever you let baby slip from between your lips,  “Okay, no wasting time tonight.”

You sat up enough to pull the hoodie off of your body and reach around to unclasp your bra, tossing them both onto the floor, not even a little worried about where they might land. You leaned back down, your lips pressing against his once more as you started grinding back on forth on his cock again, your patience wearing very thin.

You needed to cum like you needed to breathe.

“Y/N,” Shawn begged, “You’ve gotta… you’ve gotta fucking stop or I’m gonna cum.”

Sighing, you started to tug his sweatpants and boxer briefs down in one go, your mouth going dry at the sight of his cock leaking precum, his tip the most beautiful shade of raspberry you’d ever seen. If the circumstances were any different you would most likely be putting him in your mouth instead.

You carefully moved off him, plopping onto the bed on your back. Raising your hips, you began to pull your leggings and panties down your own body as he finished removing his. He glanced over just in time to see the crotch of your panties utterly soaked and he groaned, his cock twitching at the sight.

“Fuck me,” his voice was barely above a whisper.

He propped himself up with his left arm, positioning himself between your legs and sliding his right hand under your thigh, lifting your leg and showing you how he wanted you to wrap it around his waist.

You were breathing heavily at this point, the anticipation was almost too much to bear. You reached into his bedside drawer, grabbing one of the easily accessible condoms and hastily ripping the packaging open. You slid your right hand over his cock, giving him a light squeeze and eliciting the prettiest moan from his mouth in turn, and then rolling the condom over his length.

“Please,” you asked him, lining his tip up with your folds.

You were so wet at this point that even just sliding him through your slit made a noise. He knew he was fucked.

He leaned his face down, smashing his lips against yours as he positioned his own cock against your entrance, slowly beginning to push in. He knew if he went too quickly you’d be uncomfortable… and he’d cum straight-away.

Taking his right hand out from under your thigh, knowing that at this point you’d understand to keep it there, and reached his hand up to your right breast to lightly twist your nipples. You opened your mouth in a small gasp and he didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to deepen the kiss.

His rhythm was flawless - slow and deep, hitting all of the places that you’d been craving him for three months. Your back arched every time that his tip slammed against your sweet spot, an almost whimper escaping from your own mouth into his in time with his thrusts.

He broke the kiss, touching his forehead against yours, his hot breath fanning over your face. His eyes were looking deeply into your own as your cunt throbbed around him, convincing him that you were teetering over the edge.

“I want you, fuck, I want you to cum for me,” he whispered, eyes not leaving yours, rhythm speeding up just a bit. “Can you do that for me?”

Your brows softly furrowed, your lips falling open as your legs started to shake. The pleasure was so intoxicating that you swore you could see stars and your eyes filled with tears. You nodded in response, holding true to your word instantly thereafter. He tucked his face into the crook of your neck as he worked to chase his own orgasm, desperately wanting to get there so he could hold you and talk some more.

You placed your hands on his face, gently guiding him back to your lips. You kissed him hard, expertly working your tongue against his, trying to make his orgasm one of the most powerful, wanting it to be worth the long wait. It was a messy kiss, your teeth colliding every once in a while as he began to thrust more vigorously inside of you.

You broke the kiss, stretching your neck enough to press your lips against the spot of his jaw directly under his ear. You knew it was a sensitive spot for him so you flattened your tongue against the area before gently sucking onto it, not letting up until you were sure it would purple.

His thrusts fell sloppier as he spurted stream after stream of his release into the condom, his body nearly collapsing on top of yours. There was a thin layer of sweat between the two of you, your skin hot and bodies exhausted.

“Missed that so much,” you quietly stated, not able to put the effort forth to speak at a normal decibel.

“Not as much as I did, I bet,” he chuckled weakly, forcing himself up to discard of the condom and clean you both up. “You should go pee, hun, then we can cuddle and finish the last half hour of this movie before bed.”

You nodded, getting up from the bed, a bit wobbly in the best way. You walked into the en-suite, taking a look in the mirror and grinning, taking a moment to breathe everything in. He was finally back.

Once you were done, you walked back into the bedroom and slid into one of his plain white t-shirts. Shawn was already back in bed in a pair of Calvin's, everything cleaned up and the blanket pulled back for you.

You crawled into the bed next to him, melting into his side and letting out a contented sigh. He wrapped his arm around you out of habit, leaning his head onto yours, his bright eyes glued on the last bit of Harry Potter. You, on the other hand, were absolutely exhausted and you doubted that you’d make it through the entire film.

“Goodnight Shawn,” you told him softly.

He smiled down at you, getting you both a little cozier so you could sleep more easily, “Goodnight honey, I’m really happy you’re here.”

It wasn’t long before you were asleep, your body not fighting rest in the slightest. He heard you softly hum and he looked down at you one more time, a wide smile stretched out over his face. He gently kissed your head and whispered, “I love you so much.”

If only he had the courage to tell you when you were awake.

[gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights]

Rating: T

Chapter Summary:   Luka and XY have a double date with Marinette and Adrien.

Word Count: 1627 | 5/5

Notes:  It’s the epilogue!  Takes place a while later, at least a few months.  @luxyweek thank you so much for this event!!

XXX

“Hey!  Over here!”  XY waved like he was trying to flag down an airplane.  

“I’m pretty sure they’ve already seen you,” Luka deadpanned, but he couldn’t suppress a smile.  As if anyone could’ve missed XY’s tall quiff, though Luka admitted he stood out more in XY’s purple jacket.

It was worth it, to see the grin it put on his boyfriend’s face.  And it almost no longer smelled like Doritos.

“Sorry we’re late!”  Marinette sounded out of breath as she plopped down at the edge of the Seine.  Her ice cream almost fumbled from her hands, but Adrien caught it with a smile and sat beside her.

“It’s no problem.  We know you’ve got busy schedules,” Luka said. 

He and XY had doubled with Alya and Nino twelve times in the last few months, but Marinette and Adrien were somehow more elusive.   Akuma attacks and other last-minute cancellations kept pushing their plans back.  He guessed that was to be expected when two out of the four of them were famous and the other two were getting there.

He was getting there, thanks to partnering with XY on his newest album.  It was a weird thought.  He still played with Kitty Section too, of course, but the collaboration had brought enough attention to the tiny band to get them into a minor record deal.  Nothing as fancy as what XY used to have with Bob Roth, but it had far fewer strings attached.

“So do you, now.”  Adrien punched his shoulder.  “You two are still going to California next week, right?”

“Yeah!  Kitty Section world tour, babey!”  XY grinned and flashed the new hand sign he’d come up with for the band.  It looked something like a shadow puppet cat, if it was missing a leg and been run over by a truck.

Adrien and Marinette blinked in surprise, and Luka hastily corrected, “It’s not a world tour.  We’re just going to open for a few concerts, see if the two of us can expand our name.  Jules and the others are too young to be traveling all over the world.”

“Pshaw, I’ve been trippin’ since I was, like, ten.  They’d be fine.”

Luka was pretty sure “trippin” didn’t mean what XY thought it meant.  Either way, Juleka might be fine with traveling to the states—Mom didn’t really care what they got up to—but Rose and Ivan’s parents would probably take issue.  

“Maybe I didn’t want to bring all of them along.  Did you think about that?”  His heartsong beat with anticipation for the trip.  Just him, his boyfriend, probably a lot of mac ’n’ cheese, a new city… there’d be so much musical inspiration, too.

XY’s mouth made a tiny o before he grinned.  “Aww, Lu, you didn’t tell me this was our honeymoon!”

Marinette just about choked on her blackberry-and-peppermint ice cream.

“You’re engaged?”  Adrien asked, eyes wide.

“No, NO.  Babe, you’ve got to stop that.”  Luka smacked XY’s chest, making him spill a glob of blueberry-cheesecake ice cream on Luka’s hand.  Luka rolled his eyes and licked it off.

“But their faces!”  XY cackled, but eventually relented.  “Naw, we’re still takin’ it slow.  It’s nice to just enjoy dating without my dad breathing down my neck.”

Getting XY to move away from his dad (and stay in Paris) was one of the best things that had ever happened to them.  Luka was lucky his boyfriend was a pop star who could afford the high city rent.

“I’m really happy for you.”  Marinette said once she recovered.  Her smile was directed at Luka and XY equally—of course, XY had told Luka about the advice she’d given him.

“Back atcha,” XY replied, holding his fist out for a bump, which she returned with a giggle.  “Looks like you finally talked to your dude too, huh.  Did you play him a sick tune?  Sew him a fancy little jacket?”

Adrien smirked at the blush on his girlfriend’s face.  “Well, she did make us matching—”

“Shut up.”

“...matching Ladybug and Chat Noir pajamas,” he whispered behind his hand. 

XY cracked up, laughing so hard he snorted.  That laugh never failed to make Luka smile, though Juleka thought he was crazy for it.

“See, Lu, they’re furries!  Why can’t we get matching Viperion and, I don’t know… maybe just matching Viperion hoodies?  I don’t think he has a partner.”  XY frowned, tapping his lip, which was stained with a smudge of blueberry ice cream.

“You know, I think he might.”  Marinette said with a wink at Luka.  Wait—did she know?  How did she know?  At least she was trustworthy; she wouldn’t give away his secret.  And it wasn’t like he was taking Sass to California, anyway.  “If you can convince Luka, I’ll make you some matching Viperion gear.”

Luka’s face warmed at the thought of his boyfriend in his alter ego’s merch.  He wasn’t a frequent enough Miraculous holder for anyone to sell anything official-looking, but that hadn’t stopped XY from latching onto him.  In XY’s words, “his abs are almost sexy enough to make me leave you, Lu.”  That had been a bit of a confidence-booster.

“If you’re not too busy.  And I’ll pay twice your usual commission fee,” Luka said.  He had plenty of money now, and he wanted to make up for all the times Marinette had designed Kitty Section’s costumes for free.  “No hoodies, though.  I can’t replace this one.  Maybe a t-shirt, if that’s okay?”

“Of course!  And thanks, Luka.”

“Awww, my jacket grew on you,” XY said, pecking him on the cheek.  Some of the ice cream stickiness was left behind, but Luka didn’t wipe it off.

“Just like someone else I know.”  He bumped his shoulder before stealing a bite of ice cream himself.

“You know, I’ve never asked.  How did you two end up dating?”  Adrien asked.  “I’ve heard parts of the story, but never straight from you guys.”

“That’s because we’re not straight,” XY said like Adrien was stupid.

Luka suppressed a snort.  “I wish I could tell you.  Like I said, this idiot just kind of grew on me.  Like a song that’s not your favorite at first, but the more you listen to it, the more it means to you.”

“Pshaw, I’ve been in love with Lu from the first time he cradled my face and literally took my breath away.  It doesn’t get gayer than that.”  XY took a giant bite of the cheesecake ice cream.  “An’ the way he stoo’ up to Da’?” He swallowed.  “Very sexy.” 

Luka would have to down the entire cup of ice cream to fight off the flush that was forming on his face.  He loved how honest his boyfriend could be; it was like he had no filter when it came to saying anything, positive or negative.  But man, did it make him want to kiss him indecently in public.

“You mean when he was Silencer?”  Marinette blinked.

“Uh-huh.  Now that was a sick costume.  You think we could wear something like that for our next concert?”

“Um, XY, it’s kind of rude to bring up people’s akumatizations…” Adrien began, but Luka just smiled.  

“Sure, babe.  I bet they’d dig that in the States.”  It wasn’t like he remembered his time as Silencer, and all things considered, Luka didn’t regret the experience.  If he hadn’t been akumatized, he wouldn’t have made such an impact on XY.  If anything, he just wished he could remember the face caress XY mentioned.  Surely he hadn’t been attracted to XY even then?

“Well, uh… neat, then.” Marinette smiled awkwardly.  She and Adrien had never been akumatized before; maybe they thought the experience was worse than it was.

“It’s great that you guys can be so open with each other.”  Adrien relaxed, smiling at her.

“Yeah… it’s really nice,” she replied with a grin only slightly less dopey than XY’s.  She’d finally gotten to harmonize with Adrien.  She deserved every bit of lovestruck happiness she could get.

“I’ll drink to that, bro.”  XY gulped down the melted ice cream in the bottom of their cup.  Then he tossed the cup over his shoulder, leaving his hand free to hold Luka’s.

“Dude, you can’t throw trash around.  It’s littering.”

“Huh?  Don’t pigeons eat trash?”

Luka rolled his eyes as Marinette and Adrien laughed.  “Come on.”  He tugged his boyfriend to his feet.  Their hands remained linked as XY picked up the paper cup and tossed it in the nearby garbage can.

“It’s like they’re made for each other,” he heard Marinette say as they sat back down.  “Yin and Yang.  Pop and rock, or something like that.”

“Ooooh, Pop Rocks!  That’s another thing we can get in the States!  You’ve gotta try ’em, Lu—it’s candy that explodes in your mouth like BANG!”  He threw his arms wide, almost smacking Luka in the face.  “Ooh, I bet we could make a song about them!  Do you wanna write the lyrics or can I?  I guess you’ll have to taste them first.  And we could put some sick drums in it and…”

Luka smiled, leaning against his boyfriend’s shoulder and closing his eyes as he talked.  He was so cute when he was invested in something, even if it was a silly American candy.  Luka could feel his heart picking up tempo, the way that always made him want to get out his guitar and compose.  

But there would be plenty of time for them to make music.  For now, he left the instrument on his back, content to just hold his boyfriend’s hand.

[jcmorrigan]

Stop! Hammer Time!

The F/O? Giovanni Potage from Epithet Erased. The S/I? Rachel Scribere - mundie, writer of much fanfiction, independent contractor supervillainous minion who has also given up on adulting. (Most of those things apply to me IRL!) This is the longest thing I’ve written for us - it’s 12 pages in MS Word - so no one’s obligated to read it; I’m just putting it out there because I’m lovestruck and need to get this out of my system. I’m only YT-current, not VRV-current, and it’s been four episodes, so I’m well aware this ship could get sunk at any time. I’m just having fun while I can. Anyway, here’s the whole big love confession thing - there’s some contextual stuff that you just gotta Roll With and also I have lots of headcanons in play here that Word of God is probably gonna disprove (trans biroace Gio anyone?). Anyway, enjoy. Or don’t.

***

I would say the part where it all went to shit was the Fog of Lost Souls.

           To be fair, we were losing pretty badly before that. It had seemed like the perfect crime: overrun the mall. Jewelry stores galore! Expensive video game consoles! A Hot Topic for Rachel!

           As for Miss Scribere, she had done the usual, for the usual fee. A detailed floor plan, thorough reconnaissance, surveys of the entrys and exits, locations of all visible security cameras, proximity of the Hot Topic to the ideal entry point. After all, her cut was going to be enough gems to pay off her rent and also every piece of Kingdom Hearts merch in the entire boutique. (Mostly that Kairi hoodie.)

           That’s me. Miss Rachel Scribere. No, I don’t have an Epithet, least of all one to do with writing. I wish. I am a writer, however. It’s just that I’m a mundie of a writer.

           So, fast forward. I, the independent contractor who is a Banzai Blaster associate by a technicality, have brought the intel to the legit Blasters (as “legit” as the Blasters can be – seriously, there’s a reason I’m an independent contractor). We’ve thought through every obstacle that could probably have happened to us (and, thanks to one certain gorgeous boss, several that could improbably have happened). I’ve already deliberately repressed several outpourings of affection toward said gorgeous boss.

           Oh, yeah. That’s an important part of this story. The fact that Crusher isn’t the only person crushing on Giovanni Potage. Just that he’s the only person who got nicknamed after it.

           Keep your finger on that fast-forward button. So we’re in the middle of the food court, about twelve of us trying to bring out our haul, and I’ve already had about five of those moments where Giovanni and I would have to interact directly (including him wandering into the Hot Topic as my hand was hovering over that Kairi hoodie, and then I had to pretend that I wasn’t a complete and total gamer nerd and give it up until another day when I would probably pay full MSRP for it) and I would get just too flustered to say anything in return and move on over to talk to Ben or Darkstar or anybody but Crusher, really, since he was quite steamed at me for being the Romantic Rival.

           We had it all in the bag, quite literally, when the other guy showed up. With another crime syndicate. And these guys were wearing black to indicate they were really, really serious. My danger senses went off almost immediately, but Giovanni, being Giovanni, had insisted that the Banzai Blasters had first dibs on this mall, so the other guys would just have to leave.

           That was how we found out the other guy’s Epithet was “Hammer.” Whose Epithet is “Hammer,” anyway? Stupid question: this guy’s. Marcus Malleus, he was called. His syndicate didn’t have a name, because apparently naming your crime syndicate is for losers (never mind that we didn’t even pick the name). And even without the gigantic hammer of solidified aether that he hoisted like a dark Mjolnir, this man was enormous. He probably could have killed us with one blow.

           And we’ve now arrived at the place where it went to shit.

           “Whose Epithet is ‘Hammer,’ anyway?” Giovanni asked derisively. (No, I never have had an original idea in my life; why do you ask?) “What’re you gonna do? Knock us all into the ground like nails?”

           “Exactly,” Marcus said as he grinned, showing off a few broken teeth to demonstrate that he’d survived his fair share of scraps.

           “Don’t be silly!” Giovanni waved him off. “We’d never…survive…that.”

           It seemed he was the last one to realize we were in some deep shit.

           “That’s what I’m countin’ on,” Marcus said as he advanced.

           I could see that Giovanni’s knees were beginning to tremble. I wanted to run to him, to throw myself between him and the threat, but I was frozen, rooted to the spot by fear of all flavors. What a failure, failure, failure I was –

           And yet he didn’t admit to his own terror. Instead, he put up a hand and demanded, “STOP!”

           That was enough to at least distract Marcus into holding still. “What the – “

           “I hope you’re prepared to find your way…” Giovanni had put his arms out to either side now. “THROUGH THE FOG OF LOST SOULS!”

           The steam filled the food court quickly and thoroughly. We all heard Giovanni shriek “SCATTER!”.

           So we did…as iffy as I felt about leaving him behind and fending for myself.

           Turned out that shouldn’t have been my priority at all. Turned out I couldn’t fucking see anything in the fog-bomb, which worked in our favor insofar as it meant Marcus not chasing us but had the big downside of me being unable to find my way through an unfamiliar environment.

           I ran into a fucking table.

           I screamed as I went down, hitting the tile hard. At least it was only the ordinary sort of fall. Nothing broken, nothing bruised – not even my glasses.

           That relief only lasted momentarily, because I’d been tripped up just long enough for the fog to clear and Marcus to find one and only one Blaster (or rather Blaster-adjacent) left on the field. And guess who that was?

           The moment I’d gotten to my feet, I felt the hammer’s blow.

           I was thrown all the way out of the court, hitting a wall before going down. In a panic, I made a check that I was still alive – well, duh, or I wouldn’t have been panicking. But there was pain, so much pain. Something was broken, but I couldn’t quite tell what, because my head was fucked up as well. I was pretty sure I was concussed, or on the verge of it. Consciousness became less of a black-and-white state and more like a soupy gray area where I was suspended between dreamland and knowing just how many steps away from death I was.

           In the flashes, I knew what I was dreaming about. Him. Kneeling over my prone body, hands pressed to either side of me, his voice breaking as he lamented, “Composer…no…not my beautiful, amazing Composer…he…he fucked her up…!” The hitch in his breath that indicated he was crying.

           Wait a minute.

           That wasn’t the dream half.

           I attempted to pry my eyes open to see Giovanni hovering over me, shivering with concern. Was he all blurry because I was half-dead or because my glasses had been shattered and lost? Did it matter? His cape was draping almost protectively around both of us as he wept.

           My heart skipped a few beats, even though I knew damn well he did this for all of his minions. I wasn’t special. I wasn’t a favorite. He loved all of us so much…and that’s why I loved him so specially. Because he had room in his heart for so many people. Because he didn’t have to have a crush on me to do this, to cry for me when he worried I was –

           I had better try to indicate I wasn’t actually dead.

           I pushed out a laborious groan. Things were getting clearer…sort of. I managed the words “I’m…fffffine.”

           “Then COME ON!” He seized my forearms. “We gotta get outta here! I think this guy might be having a lucky enough day to beat us today!”

           “Mmh…okay…”

           It seemed a Herculean feat to get to my feet. Thankfully, my vision wasn’t blurring in and out so much – more like normal lost-glasses blind than concussion-blind. We could still make a run for it.

           Or so I thought until I put weight on my right foot and crumpled immediately with a yelp.

           It took me a moment to realize that he’d gone down with me as I’d fallen to my knees, keeping his hands on my forearms. “Not fine,” I panted, “not fine…”

           “Then I’m gonna get you out of here.”

           It was that determination in his voice that always signified he was about to do something absolutely asinine.

           Before I could talk him out of it, he’d swept me up like a bride, one arm behind my back and the other under my knees. It would have been like a scene from a dream had I not known that Giovanni could not lift my weight, and he was doomed to fail from the start.

           We tumbled over together, screaming in two-part harmony.

           “Okayokayokay – “ Giovanni muttered as I rolled off of him, now pretty much sobbing from the pain. What all had that Malleus guy broken? “Oh! I know! I know EXACTLY how I’m getting you out of here! You’ll be patched up in no time!”

           I then felt the rim of a warm cup of liquid being pressed to my lips. Was he serious? “Is this – “

           “Just drink it, dammit!”

           I wanted to refuse, but we didn’t have time for that fight. As the health-replenishing soup coursed through me, I could feel the aches and pains disappearing, mellowing out, the throbbing and buzzing in my head subsiding.

           He’d actually done it. And I immediately wished he hadn’t.

           “Why did you DO that?” I screamed.

           “WHAT?” he barked. “Are you grossed out because it’s from my SWEAT? I would think it’s better than being DEAD!”

           “I don’t CARE about your sweat-soup, and you know it! But you can only do that once per fight! Now you can’t use it on YOU!”

           “Oh, please.” He stood to full height, and I rose with him, trying to focus on his facial features through my half-blind haze. “Like I’m gonna let this jerk best me. Trust me, that fog’s gonna keep him lost for a while, and I’m gonna – “

           I may have been half-blind, but even I could make out the shape of the hammer swinging through the fog.

           For once, my reflexes were on-point enough to carry me out of the way.

           Giovanni’s weren’t.

           I saw him sideswiped, then peeled off the floor so Marcus could hold him up by the collar; “Payback, you little bitch!”

           I could hear his whimpering. His screaming. I wanted so badly to fling myself at Marcus Malleus, to tackle him, to land my own critical hit, to save my boss, my friend, my Giovanni –

           And I turned and ran instead.

           But not without a strategy. I was half-blind, disarmed, and no good in a fight at this moment. I would just have to hope Giovanni would hold out until I’d gotten my plan in motion.

           Please.

           The other Blasters had taken refuge in a Claire’s we’d designated as our rendez-vous point should we need to scatter. I stumbled in, nearly knocking down a rotating display of earrings.

           “Where is he?” a voice called out. Crusher, of course.

           “He’s back there,” I said in a panicked rush. “The big guy has him.”

           “Why the HELL did you leave – “

           “I need you guys to run the Gazpacho Maneuver,” I declared.

           “But we’ve never practiced that before!” Car Crash argued.

           “Well, you’re gonna do it NOW,” I insisted, “or the boss is gonna get crushed.”

           By the time we got back to the food court…I’ll admit I couldn’t see a lot of the details. Just a strip of yellow lying on the floor, a shadowy mass hovering above him with an instrument held high.

           However, if the Gazpacho Maneuver went to plan, which I know it did, here’s what happened: first, Artful Dodger ran at Marcus to distract him, getting his attention only to duck every blow. (Contrary to what you’re thinking right now, he actually got his nickname from his love of Dickens. Go figure.) Then Crusher and Car Crash rushed him from either side to blindside him from two directions. During this time, Flamethrower and Sharpshooter arranged themselves around the food court in order to sharpshoot and flamethrow at Marcus, respectively, from an optimal distance – and no, I did not mix up that order. Meanwhile, Ben and Darkstar teamed up to spirit Giovanni away, carrying him away from the danger zone. On the way out, Ben tugged my sleeve, indicating I needed to go with.

           So I did, leaving the others to carry out the other thirty-six moves of the plan that would either leave Marcus incapacitated and bound on the floor or just buy them some more time before they were also smacked halfway across the mall.

           We re-convened in a JCPenney. We’d almost gone to the Claire’s, but then realized that had no bed for a patient, and had to relocate to a department store with some of those little short bed-sets that look comically small. When I was younger, I always used to think those things were perfectly kid-sized. Huh…I wondered how Molly would think about these beds, since they seemed the perfect length for her.

           How was I going to tell Molly if the closest thing she had to a dad died protecting me? Hell, Sylvie didn’t have the best relationship with Giovanni, but…how could I tell him either?

           Ben and Darkstar had Giovanni settled as best they could across the bed widthways, adjusting the pillow beneath his head, giving worried mutters of “Boss…boss!”

           I held my breath, praying he’d answer.

           “Wh…why’d you do that? I was winning…”

           It was like being dunked in an ocean of relief. I practically collapsed. Very nearly started crying when I heard his voice, weak as it was.

           “We know you were!” Ben replied. “But we thought it was best to leave that hammer guy with the humiliation of defeat while we made our getaway!”

           “No,” I broke in. “No, I’m not playing this game. Not today.”

           I could see all eyes turning upon me. All heads, anyway. Vision was still shot, but I could make out outlines and colors.

           “You almost died,” I said, now feeling the tears coming. “Because I fucked up. I fucked up, and you healed me instead of yourself, and I just…I shouldn’t have come here, and I’m so, so sorry…”

           “What?” Giovanni’s voice cracked. “Composer…you did great out there! You rallied the backup! I knew you were a great choice for team strategist! You probably would’ve played a really epic victory theme for that team attack if you’d had speakers! …We gotta start bringing speakers on our heists.”

           “Just STOP!” I shrieked, shutting my eyes to let the tears gather up. “DON’T talk me up! I don’t need your pity! I just need you not to die! I…I…”

           I couldn’t say it now. No. He didn’t need that. But there was something else I wanted to assert.

           “I think…you’re wonderful…” I choked. “To all of us…and without you…we’d be fucking nowhere…you make all of us feel so special, and…and we can’t lose you.”

           No. I wasn’t going to confess, but in times like these, I couldn’t keep myself completely sequestered. Not when he, too, was probably in need of somebody to be a comfort.

           I approached the bed, prying my eyes open far enough to see it clearly, placing my hand on the edge of the mattress and scooting it toward him. He got the hint, catching my hand in his and squeezing it so tightly that I knew deep down, he was far more afraid than he was letting on.

           “I know,” he said softly. “And you’re not gonna. But we need you too, Composer. You’re emotional support. You’re, uh…you’re really valuable emotional support. Like when a person who isn’t necessarily me is in a lot of pain and needs a really, really good friend…”

           I closed my other hand around his. “I’m here,” I practically whispered. “I’m gonna be shit at doing anything but crying, but I’ll try.”

           “Thanks, Composer. I knew I could count on you. You know I love you, right?”

           I froze. Then it hit me all over again: he said that to all of us. I wasn’t special. But I didn’t need to be. The last thing I needed was to be throwing myself a fucking pity party while he was lying broken and beaten on a mini-bed.

           “I know,” I choked. “How…how bad does it hurt?”

           “It’s not bad! I think he only broke my leg. Upper body’s just fine! That’s enough to put up a fight, right?”

           That got a laugh out of me. Even though I knew he was probably serious about his leg being broken. His pain tolerance was rather incredible. “Which leg is it?”

           I knew he was thinking over which of his hands formed the “L.” He eventually came up with “Left.”

           I was on his right side, so theoretically…no. That would be pretty damn selfish.

           But maybe not. Because I knew he wouldn’t ever admit to wanting, needing more. “If it wouldn’t hurt you too much,” I said softly, “I might need a hug.”

           “Sure,” he said, too enthusiastically. I had been right. “Bring it in, Composer.”

           I practically fell into him, wrapping his upper body up tight in my arms. I cried over him as he’d cried over me. He leaned into me, and I could feel him shaking, trying so hard to hide it. I thrust my hand into his hair, the only thing I could think of, stroking through the pink locks to give him any extra comfort I could.

           “You’re gonna be okay,” I whispered. “I…I’ve got you.” I’d always wanted to say that to someone. I hadn’t really considered the dire circumstances that would warrant it. Turned out it was absolutely as intimate of a thing as I had thought.

           His hand clutched at the back of my dress. Trying to pull me tighter.

           “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.

           “I’m not,” he whispered, and I knew he meant it.

           “Uh…Boss? Composer?” Ben broke in.

           Right. We were making a pretty big scene. We let go at that, and I turned back around, only to see the real reason that Ben had gotten our attention. The other Blasters had arrived en masse.

           “Wait,” I realized. “If you’re here, and Boss isn’t healed up…that means…”

           “We lost,” Car Crash sighed, and though I couldn’t see the details, I could imagine the bruises and cuts riddling them.

           “Anyone down?” Giovanni asked in a panic.

           “Nope,” Flamethrower stated. “We did lose the haul, though. Everything except the one bag with the Special Thing you told us to protect.”

           Now I was lost. “What was the Special Thing?”

           “Don’t worry about it,” Giovanni said quickly.

           “Boss, what did you take?”

           “I SAAAIIIIID DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT! WHAT ARE YOU, MY MOM?”

           “I sure HOPE you don’t think of me as a mom,” I grumbled.

           “What?”

           “What?”

           Giovanni sighed. “Well, the important thing is we don’t have any boys down.”

           “Speaking of down,” I realized, “did anyone think to pull the grate – “

           “We’re locked in,” Flamethrower assured me. “No one’s getting in…no one’s getting out.” Then the ramifications sank in. “We’re actually stuck here until the morning.”

           “We shouldn’t move him, either,” I said softly. “I don’t know what to do about that, but…maybe things will look better in the morning.”

           “C’moooonnnn, I can make it,” Giovanni sighed. “Just carry me out like you did here.”

           “Not if your leg’s broken.”

           “That is seriously not gonna mess it up.”

           “Yes. It. Seriously. IS.”

           “WILL YOU STOP TALKING FOR ME, COMPOSER? ARE YOU THE BOSS? NO! I’M THE BOSS! THAT’S WHY MY NAME IS ‘BOSS’!”

           “I’M TRYING TO MAKE SURE YOUR LEG DOESN’T GET FUCKED UP ANY WORSE, OKAY? WILL YOU JUST SLOW DOWN FOR TWO SECONDS?”

           “Oh, I’m sure it’ll heal up just fine IN JAIL WHEN THE COPS SHOW UP TO DRAG US ALL IN!”

           I clenched my teeth. Then sighed. “I am not doing this. Okay. What counts as a fight?”

           “Wha – “

           “What. Counts. As. A. Fight.”

           “Okay, I totally see where you’re going with this,” Giovanni replied, “but you should spell it out because I don’t think Spike gets it.”

           “Hey!” Spike snapped. “Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you have to point it out!”

           “You can make one healing soup per fight,” I reminded him. “You spent your hammer-guy soup on me. How long do you have to wait to get in another fight to spawn it again?”

           “…Three hours?” he guessed. “I dunno; I’ve never timed it out before.”

           “And if you got in a slap-fight with one of us, would it work?”

           He shrugged. “Probably?”

           “Good enough for me,” I decided. “We wait three hours, then stage a fight, and then we can probably get you out of that bed.”

           “Fiiiiiiine,” Giovanni sighed, folding his arms and looking for all the world like a petulant child. “We’ll do it YOUR way. Now we gotta kill three hours! I’m gonna be so booooooored!”

           “God.” I rolled my eyes. “Stop being so immature for like two seconds. There are PLENTY of ways we can be not bored in here. Like, I dunno…playing wed-bed-behead or Would You Rather.”

           “Oh, I’M immature, and THAT’S how you want to pass the time?”

           “Screw this.” I turned to storm off toward the eyeglass shop. “I’m getting at least SOME of my vision back.”

           I felt a little bad about leaving him, but he seemed able to snark for himself at the moment, so I decided to just let him stew while I went shopping for some new glasses. Shopping without paying, that is.

           “Uh…Composer?”

           I turned to see a certain purple-haired minion tagging along – pretty much my one teammate who was shorter than me. “Hey, Spike.”

           “So…I was just wondering,” Spike brought up. “You and Boss…you ever notice how you two kinda fight like a married couple?”

           I nearly froze. Yet I kept up my stride, my one shoe (when had I lost a shoe?) clacking on the tile. “No, we don’t.”

           “You kinda do.”

           “We do NOT.”

           “I’m just saying…”

           “Do you WANT me to like him?” I snapped at her. “Last time I checked, you were the one who loved him. You and Crusher.” I then immediately regretted it. “God. No. That came out wrong. What I meant – “

           “I know you wanna keep the peace and everything,” Spike replied, “but you can go for him. I mean, he won’t notice, he never DOES, but you don’t have to hold back for my sake or Crusher’s.”

           “Yes, I do.” I sighed. “Spike…I already tried.”

           “…Oh.”

           “It flew over his head about thirty times, and then I gave up,” I sighed. “He loves all of us. And I love that about him. But I’m never gonna be more than just…another one of the boys. And that should be fine! I’d rather have a life WITH the Boss than a life WITHOUT the Boss! But…it’s just not meant to be. And I have to put up with that.”

           “Well, I’m sorry,” Spike lamented. “I mean, I came over here because I thought you should know that I really am jealous. There’s a reason Crusher’s so jealous, too. A lot of us are jealous. Boss is just…always so happy with you. I guess there’s something about you that gets to him.”

           “Don’t get my hopes up,” I said somberly.

           “I’m not trying to,” Spike replied. “But you two are really good friends. You shouldn’t avoid him so much.”

           “…Am I that obvious?”

           “He WANTS to get to know you better. But you keep running away, and I was right about why, which means Flamethrower owes me five bucks!”

           “Well, maybe I’ll have to think about it, then.” We’d arrived at the eyeglasses. “But no promises. Like I said…I tried. Maybe I just…have to try harder to aim for the friend zone. The friend zone isn’t bad. It’s where you make friends.”

           “That’s the spirit, Composer!”

           I began to cycle through a rack of glasses.

           “What’s your prescription?” Spike asked.

           “I have no fucking idea,” I replied.

           Eventually, I found one that improved my vision enough for me to get by. Now I could see how many little bruises Spike was sporting beneath her visor. My stomach twisted; I wondered if technically, that, too, was my fault.

           I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.

           I kicked off my other shoe on the way back; the asymmetry was bothering me. I did my best to listen to Spike complaining about the loot Marcus got away with, especially the rhinestone-studded smartphone case (which she seemed to be angrier about than him taking an actual smartphone from our haul). All the while, I couldn’t help but mull over all the things that were my fault. Her getting hurt, them getting hurt…

           Giovanni getting hurt.

           Everyone else was thronged around him, him still reclined on the mini-bed, when Spike and I returned. I tried to hang to the back of the crowd, trying not to draw attention to myself. No need to kick up that fight again.

           “All right, boys,” Giovanni stated. “Like we planned.”

           And then they all began to disperse.

           “Wait, what?” Spike asked.

           “Boss wants us to investigate all the departments,” Flamethrower explained. “We might be able to pick up some replacement loot!”

           “Um…okay?”

           Spike and I turned to join the mission, but I was held back by a sharp demand: “Not you, Composer.”

           It took me a while to be able to turn and face him once the others had scattered. Then, once I met his eyes – even from that distance, I could see the gold flecks in them, or maybe that was just my memory filling in, since I was wearing under-prescription glasses – I gave a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

           “For what?”

           “What do you MEAN for what?” I was snapping again. “For being rude, I guess.”

           “You really think I’m that immature?”

           He wasn’t smiling. He was actually asking. I felt like I’d just been stabbed in the heart.

           “No,” I admitted. “It’s…just kind of an easy target. Well, okay, I do think you are kinda immature, but it’s…fun immature. The whole kid-at-heart thing. That’s one of the reasons I love…running missions with you and hanging around base.”

           “Okay. Just checking. That’s kinda what I thought, but I had to make sure before I said anything.”

           “Said anything about what?” I was baffled.

           “I’m having a bit of a crisis,” Giovanni said rather casually, turning to face the ceiling. “You’re good with strategy and tactics and all that brainy stuff. Maybe you can help me.”

           Gingerly, I approached the bed. Sat down beside him on the edge of it. “I’ll try.”

           I thought, for a moment, I saw him tense when I sat down. I wondered if I was too close, if I should leave.

           “You know I love each and every one of my minions,” he stated. “All of you bring something special to the team! Together, we are an unstoppable force of unadulterated evil AWESOMENESS! But I’m not supposed to play favorites! If I think one of my minions is better than any of the others, then what happens? Do I lose all credibility? Do I stop seeing how valuable they are? I can’t do that to my boys!”

           I wasn’t sure exactly where he was going with this. I wondered if maybe he’d latched onto someone he actually did have feelings for. Oh. He wanted me to advise him how to progress with his actual crush.

           Fuck.

           “I…don’t think it’s bad to have a favorite,” I muttered. “Not necessarily. I mean, having a LEAST favorite would be a problem, but you’re not gonna lose sight of how great everyone is if you pick a fave. You’re you. You’re Giovanni Potage.”

           “I mean, that is true.”

           My fingers interlaced with each other. “Wh…who is it?”

           He was silent a while before saying, “I don’t wanna tell you their minion name, but her – HIS legal name is…uh…Ray…bert…Flibere. Raybert Flibere.”

           I swear I was legally dead for the next three seconds. Heart stopped and all that. Even I wasn’t spacey enough to let that one fly over my head.

           “And…how does Raybert make you feel?” I asked.

           “Well,” Giovanni sputtered, “it’s – it’s complicated because – she has a – I mean he has a great smile, and he always laughs at my jokes, and I’m not saying my jokes are HORRIBLE, but let’s just pretend I did make horrible jokes. He’d still laugh at them. I dunno, I guess I have fun with him all the time, and I wanna make him smile, and also he makes me kinda out of breath and my heart gets this weird fluttery thing that I’m thinking is a genetic condition and GOD…DAMMIT, IT’S YOU.”

           I gave an overdramatic gasp. “I had NO IDEA that Raybert Flibere was secretly a codename for Rachel Scribere!”

           “Yeah, I know. I was pretty slick with that one. But I can’t freaking keep it inside anymore! You’re my best friend on the whole team, and I was really looking forward to doing this heist with you, and I…I think…”

           The expression on his face was one I had never seen before. Eyes wide as they could be, as though he were facing down some existential demon. “I think I want you to be my girlfriend,” he choked out. Then, at the speed of light: “I mean, I am pretty charming and all, so I figure I have a shot, and this is just a casual thing, like you being my girlfriend casually, not that I wanna make a big deal out of it or – “

           “Boss.”

           “What? Can’t you see I’m trying to explain myself so I don’t look stupid here?”

           “Do you remember what I was trying to tell you a couple months ago?”

           “What, that thing about the dates?” Giovanni replied. “I TOLD you, dates are delicious, but not as good as figs no matter how you slice – OH.” He looked like he’d just been whacked with a two-by-four. “You were asking me ON a date.” He raised a hand to wave it off. “Which I knew, of course. I was just playing it cool until I sorted out my own heart. You know everyone wants a piece of me. It’s not easy figuring out who I should reciprocate to.”

           “So you know about Spike and Crusher wanting to date you too.”

           “THEY WH – I mean, yeah.” He swallowed hard. “But even with that in play, it’s still you. I can’t really explain it. You just make me smile a lot, I guess.”

           I turned away from him. “You know I’m not a happy person.”

           “You seem like a lot of fun to me. Especially at the compulsory Banzai Blasters dance parties.”

           “I’m pretty high-maintenance.”

           “Uh, yeah, duh. I KNOW. That’s why I want to prove I can MAINTENANCE you. Challenge accepted!”

           “I hate myself,” I muttered. “I act like I don’t, but I do.”

           “Well, then, you need somebody to point out what’s good in you, because there’s a damn lot of it.”

           His hand wrapped around mine again, and I just about jumped. It was like static electricity. A new charge between us that hadn’t been there previously.

           “And…I…maybe wanna thank you for…you know…this.” I still was turned away, but I could tell how flustered he was. He didn’t have to explain what “this” was. The memory of holding him close was still fresh in my mind. “I WANTED to use that soup on you, you know! How am I gonna keep doing awesome crimes without my Composer?”

           “Well, I sure as shit can’t do anything without my Boss.”

           “…’Boss.’ Y’know, that sounds kinda impersonal for this.”

           “Are you serious?” I asked. “You even have your kids call you ‘Boss.’”

           “One: she’s not my kid. Technically. Two: if she was, she’s my ONLY kid. The glasses nerd ISN’T.”

           “Lies,” I teased.

           “But seriously! If you wanna be my girlfriend, and you want me to be your boyfriend, you’ll still be my minion, but you’re my FAVORITE minion, so you should get to call me whatever you want!”

           “You can still call me ‘Composer,’” I told him. “I like it now.”

           “Good, ‘cause it’s a good name for ya! It shows off how creative you are! That’s why I like saying it: to remind everyone who’s the smart one around here without admitting it isn’t me!” He said the next words in a hiss: “But don’t tell the boys I said that. They don’t know I’m kind of an idiot.”

           “You’re a TOTAL idiot,” I affirmed. “But…I love that. It works for you. It doesn’t really hold you back.”

           “So, uh…you…you wanna do this or what?”

           I knew I had to face him for this. So I turned. It was the most strangely vulnerable I’d ever seen him – hanging on a thread for my answer.

           “Yeah,” I told him. “Let’s do this.”

           “Cool! Now we’re officially partners in crime!”

           “Yeah!” I smiled. Then realized what the deal-breaker might be. “Wait. There’s…there’s something I need to tell you.”

           “Is this where you give me my cute pet name?”

           “No,” I sighed. “It’s where I tell you that…you don’t get to fuck me.”

           “Huh?”

           “Because I’m asexual. Like, REALLY sex-repulsed. Ice-cold. And that ain’t changing. So if you want somebody you can fuck, you shouldn’t waste your time – “

           “You thought I wanted to do THAT?”

           I flinched. That wasn’t what I’d been expecting at all.

           “I keep forgetting that’s a huge thing in this dating stuff,” he grumbled.

           I hardly dared to believe it. “Are…you…?”

           He gave a nervous laugh. “Funny thing…I’m kinda…asexual myself.”

           “NICE!” I squealed. “This is PERFECT!” I’d known he was biromantic – that was common knowledge around base – but not this.

           “And, uh…” He was now the one turning away from me. “There’s…more. I kinda…don’t have…guy things? Downstairs?”

           It took me a minute to figure out what he was saying. Then my jaw dropped; “I KNEW IT.”

           “Yeah. That was a thing. I picked the name ‘Giovanni’ out myself, y’know. Sounds sexy, right?”

           “Incredibly sexy.”

           “So if that’s gonna be a turn-off, nowwouldbethetimetotellme.”

           I thought it over, just in case my first instinct wasn’t right. Then I squeezed his hand gently. “It’s fine. It’s seriously fine. I wasn’t planning on using anything in the ‘downstairs’ area to begin with, so it’s not a big deal. I’m into guys. You’re a guy. There we go.”

           He rolled his head back over to look me in the eye, as though questioning if I were genuine in this sentiment. I gave him a gentle smile, and he flashed me a mischievous smirk. “Don’t be mad because I get THREE pride flags and you only get ONE.”

           “Well, I wasn’t until you SAID that!”

           “Okay. So that’s about everything, except…oh, yeah. The big thing.”

           “Your pet name, I know,” I recalled. Then, due to my general chickenshit nature, what I said next came out as a mumble.

           “What was that?”

           “I said I…” I could feel my face going red.

           “What, is it embarrassing?” Giovanni teased. “You wanna call me ‘Shnookums’? ‘Cutie Pie’? ‘Sugar fangs’?”

           “Wha – NO!” I snapped. “I was thinking…more like…” I finally managed to squeak it out: “Gio.”

           “I like that!” he cried immediately. “It has panache!”

           “All right. Then you’re not Boss anymore…Gio.” I couldn’t help but smile. I was finally calling him it out loud. I could’ve said it all day, over and over, Gio, Gio, Gio…

           “But that wasn’t the thing that was gonna wrap it up, Composer.”

           “Wait, what?”

           His free hand searched beneath the blankets of the mini-bed. “The Special Thing. I was gonna say this to you tomorrow, after I got it for you. Actually, I wasn’t sure what I was going to get to make this as dramatic as possible, until I saw you looking at this in the nerd store. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody you’re a nerd if you don’t tell anybody I’m a dumbass.”

           He passed me a plastic bag containing a folded piece of fabric. A black plastic bag. I knew it immediately.

           “YOU. DIDN’T.” I pried the bag open; my jaw dropped. “Do…do you even know what this means to me?”

           “I know it’s from one of your nerd games. Maybe you wanna tell me about it sometime? I like the looks of it.”

           I removed the pink-and-plaid hoodie from the bag, slipping it on over my dress. (It didn’t match at all. I didn’t care.) “It’s from a character I’m not sure you’d like,” I admitted. “She’s like the sweetest hero. There is literally no evil in her. But she just seems so nice and friendly, and everyone calls her useless, and I love thinking about her potential.”

           “She sounds like you. Except without a fun side.”

           “That’s actually a compliment, believe it or not.”

           He was biting his lip now, fangs almost piercing it, and I could tell he wanted to say more. “What?”

           “…Also, she’s not useless. I’m not…a super fan or anything…but I know she gets that huge moment in the second game when she jumps off the balcony and starts beating up the monsters. And that’s also a lot like you when you get down to it.”

           I lightly slapped his shoulder. “You. FUCKER. You KNEW. And you let me think I was ALONE here?”

           “Look, I’m already hiding the whole dumbass thing!” Giovanni hissed. “You think I can live down being a nerd AND a dumbass AND the guy who cried when she bit it in the third?”

           “Ho…ly…shit. You and I need to have a SERIOUSLY long conversation.”

           “Well, we have some time now. And three hours to pass later.”

           “What about the boys?”

           “We’ll just send them to check out more distractions. They’re probably trying on formal wear right now.”

           (I later found out that was exactly what the bulk of them were doing.)

           “You can get more comfortable if you want,” Giovanni invited. “There’s room.”

           Again, it took me a while to grasp his meaning. He was really trying so hard to climb out of the hole of flustered-ness he’d tripped himself into. I did get it, though. I pulled my legs up onto the mattress, lying down beside him. “Is this too close?”

           “No. It can be closer, you know.”

           I scooted closer to him – pressing right up beside him. His arm came up behind my back, and I shivered as he cradled me there. I pivoted, laying on my side so I could put an arm around him, as well – after all, he was still the one with a shattered leg. And so many more little bruises and marks I could see now that I had better glasses.

           “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

           “Will you cut that out?” he sighed. “It’s really better me than you.”

           My arm pried off him so that I could gently stroke down the side of his face. Looking into his luminous, sparkling eyes. Smoothing down those long, unruly pink locks. He was mine, mine, mine. And my heart would damn near break if I let this happen to him again.

           “I’m not the kind of badass you think I am,” I said hoarsely. Great. Now I was on the verge of crying again. “I don’t have a whole jump-off-the-balcony-and-slice-monsters thing. I just…stood there and watched him beat you up.”

           “I don’t care. You’re valid in so many ways, Composer. Just…stay with me now?”

           “Yes. I will.”

           My arm was replaced over him, protecting him as best I could from what few threats could reach us here in this bed – loneliness, misunderstanding, betrayal.

           “So tell me exactly how many ‘nerd games’ you’ve played,” I said with a playful smirk. Turning it on him for once.

           “Ohhhhh boy,” he sighed. “So this is gonna turn into a pretty long explanation…”

[binnsowen]

Assassination Vacation Tour: Review

From the beginning of queuing, to the tiring taxi journey home, the atmosphere around Resorts World was electric. Even from turning up to the surprisingly short line at midday, the weather-battered, homeless-looking groups of fans seemed to still be full of energy, despite clearly looking like they’ve been there since the early hours of the morning. However, as exciting as this day panned out to be, it slowly got less and less exciting as the wait grew more and more. Keeping us outside for an extra 1 and half hours wasn’t the best decision on the staff’s behalf. Nonetheless, as soon as my ticket was scanned and I was in, the excitement I reminisced at the beginning of waiting instantly came flooding back, and the buzz was back in the air. After grabbing food, drinks and any merchandise that took my fancy, then came probably the strangest way of moving to the standing area I’ve ever encountered. The first 100-or-so people in the queue were stamped and given a number on the way in, and these numbered people had to stand in another queue in numerical order. We were then told to walk towards the standing area, in a single file line without pushing, shoving or trying to run to the front. To be honest, I’m surprised we weren’t asked to sit in our rows with our legs crossed and our finger over our lips. It was as if I was back in first school. It also doesn’t do them any favours as we were given a safety brief before the acts came out. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself and ask ‘When has this ever happened at a concert before?’. Despite all of this, I secured my place at the barrier, trying my hardest not to let the girl behind me elbow her way in front of me. It was only then, at this moment in time, that it hit me, at the same time it hit everyone else. The main reason all 15,000 people were there, for one reason and one reason only: to wait a further 3 hours for the supporting act and Tory to finish and go mad when Drake comes out.

Baka was the only supporting act; and despite it wasn’t the largest, he drew in quite the crowd and was the perfect act to hype everyone up for the remaining artists to appear later on in the night. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Baka though. Even though his set was strong and consistent, it didn’t quite have that ‘wow’ factor as any other performer would. And the worst thing? There isn’t anything that he can do as of now that will help that. Because, in terms of concerts, the only way to impress a large audience from the get-go is to be well cemented into the industry, so to speak. As I was looking around the arena, I noticed that almost 3 quarters of the seats weren’t even filled, and simply because nobody cares about who’s on stage at this time. Especially if it is someone that they haven't even heard of, as I could hear a few people from way back in the standing section question who Baka even was. Which goes to show, in hip-hop, the fans are reserved for those who are on top of the game and know how to finesse the business. Which I think, is extremely unfair, but that point is for another time.

After an hour of Baka’s set, then came Tory Lanez. And with him, came along a lot more hype and anticipation. This point in the night is where the butterflies in your belly begin to shake violently with excitement, as a 5 foot 7 inch Canadian darts around the stage screaming into a microphone, dressed in a varsity jacket, skinny jeans and high top vans. Lanez’s music never fails to get you into that high-school-party, drunk-and-high-at-the-same-time, I-think-I-can-sing-esque mood, and this mood only heightens when you see him perform live. Girls were going crazy for him singing about the birds that he’s slept with on songs like LUV, Say it and recently released Freaky, and the lads were waiting for the mosh-pit bangers to come such as Shooters, Litty and Ferris Wheel. So his performance was unsurprisingly diverse, and could appeal to any listener. And with the addition of Baka before hand, it was strategic placing them together as Tory supported the hype that Baka had created perfectly. The best thing however, was the fact the security has to literally pick him up and throw him back on the stage after he’d been for a spot of crowd surfing. I was creasing at the fact that he could've probably jumped back up, but it was as if they threw him back up just to take the mick. His set then came to a close, and then came the final interval of the evening, with nobody else to perform other than the man of the hour, or 7 hours in this instance.

After about 30 minutes of standing around, the interval music came to a stop and the lights began to dim. This alone was enough to send the audience into hysterics, as they screamed at the top of their lungs recording nothing but an empty stage. But the stage wasn’t empty for long, however it wasn’t filled with a bearded rapper from Toronto, it was filled with a square curtain covering the entire stage floor being lowered from the ceiling. When it hit the floor, images of palm trees, coconuts and hula girls were vibrantly projected onto the curtain and the theme music to Austin Powers was played. At this moment, I wondered whether or not I was at the show. I was looking around to see if people were as confused as I was, but they all seemed to be hypnotised by the silhouettes of a horny spy. But as the projections disappeared, there happened to be somebody behind the curtain. Somebody tall, in a Louis Vuitton assault vest, holding a microphone. Seeing this outline made the crowd even more hysterical. It was at this moment that the introduction of 8 out of 10 began playing, and then the figure came to life, rapping along to it. Because I was stood at the barrier, I could see slightly through the curtain and could easily tell that the figure was Drake, if it wasn’t obvious enough. After the first verse ended, the curtain was raised to reveal the 6 God himself, live in the flesh. A part of me couldn’t believe it. That was the real Drake, stood a couple of meters in front of me. And as his performance went on, it wasn’t settling in any more.

Drake’s live performances are a priceless experience. From the clever use of pyrotechnics to the talented back up dancers that accompanied him on stage, you can clearly tell that Drake is at his best when he is on stage. Despite this, it pains me to admit that I felt his show was rushed and disorganised. Some songs were left unfinished, which was a shame because the older Drake songs on the set list (arguably his best era) were played for about 10 seconds each. To rub salt in the wound, they were all played with no breaks or intermission between each other. So in a sense, there was no real point in playing them at all. It was almost as if he had somewhere much better to be than there. Because of this, I found it hard at times to engage with him and with what he was doing, even though I desperately wanted to. Nevertheless, he still managed to put out an exceptional performance of his recent music. The transitions between certain tracks were executed smoothly, and his delivery of them were executed even more so. I really managed to notice the diversity of Drake as an artist whilst watching him, which is a skill I see many other rappers attempt but fail. He can easily perform a song such as Jumpman with the expected energy and charisma, and then manage to calm himself and the arena down with a soft and soppy performance of Peak. He can have any audience on strings and is in complete control of how they act and feel throughout his performance. To obtain this skill to such a degree is something that no other musician has, which is one of the many reasons that Drake is the best performer out of today’s generation of rappers; and probably the best rapper out of them too. But again, that’s for another time.

To summarise, Baka and Tory Lanez hyped the night up perfectly; no other 2 acts could’ve done it better. However, Drake could’ve handled that hype a little bit better and his delivery of certain songs could’ve been a bit more consistent. But this slight criticism doesn’t diminish his performance in any way, shape or form: it was a quality show. Was it worth going? Absolutely. Was it worth £120 and a 7 hour wait? Absolutely not. I cannot recommend going to any Drake concert enough. It is an experience that cannot be matched by any other artist simply because of how much of a natural born performer he really is. But my only piece of advice would be to choose wisely. If you’re going to pay that much and wait that long, go to Canada and see him there. I feel as if it would've been worth that much if there was some sort of after party to go to, or some form of exclusives included in the ticket price. Whether that be merch or a smaller show or whatever, it just wasn’t quite £120 material. But one thing is for certain, I look forward to the release of Drake’s next album that he said he would be working on as soon as the Assassination Vacation is over. So if he was to rush the next 11 shows, I wouldn't mind at all.  

[disposedserenity]

BTS in Singapore #LoveYourselfSG

I don’t know who would even wanna read about a concert that happened A MONTH AGO. But if you are still keen, hey ho.

*I’m gonna recount the entire day in great detail, so please feel free to skip any details if you don’t care about it.*

disclaimer: all pics & videos are not mine unless stated, credit goes to bts/bighit/fansites/fans

For reference, I was at yellow 1 (left side of the extended stage)

On the night before the concert, it still felt unreal. I was surprisingly calm and I was even watching 聲林之王 with glenn (who stayed over) 😂 I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep but I ended up falling asleep at around 3 am.

19 January, 6.00am: My eyes opened and I was sooooo effing tired LOL. I swear I was in a daze all the way till the actual concert. We got ready and proceeded to leave the house at 8 am. Once I arrived at the stadium, there were fans everywhere. The group of us (carol, mingyou, glenn and I) decided to grab a cup of tea/coffee to wake ourselves up and I don’t know how, but it was already past 9 am by the time we bought our drinks. Glenn and I went to collect the various fansupport items (a cool thing about kpop concerts is the amount of free stuff given out by fans) and we went to find glenn’s roommate who had been queuing for merch since 6am.

At 10.30 am, glenn and I went to register for soundcheck. The place we were at (outdoor area outside astons) had various dance cover groups, which was actually a pretty good form of entertainment to pass the time. After we were done with registration, glenn had to pick up an item she had ordered from a fansite, which we had a hell of a difficult time trying to find because the stadium is so freaking big. We had to speed walk to queue for soundcheck right after, as we were already late (queueing started at 12.30pm and it was almost 1pm)

SOUNDCHECK:

That was basically my reaction when BTS walked out.

Even though they were in casual clothes and had no makeup on, (Jhope even tweeted about it!!!), in my mind they looked like this as they were walking over to us HAHAHA:

They performed three songs in total: mic drop, dna and run. I went in assuming they would each be rehearsing their solos, so I wasn’t expecting those three songs to be chosen. But, it makes total sense because these are the more hype songs. My memory is slowly fading so I’ll let drake illustrate how I felt during the soundcheck.

When they all stood in one line right in front of me:

When I heard the opening note of mic drop:

KIM NAMJOON, KIM SEOKJIN, MIN YOONGI, JUNG HOSEOK, PARK JIMIN, KIM TAEHYUNG, JEON JUNGKOOK, BTS!!!!!!!

**when I heard the whistling in DNA**

*run plays* me: YAAAAAAAAS BICTH

me realising midway that bts is real and I’m actually seeing them like wtaf-

armys after the soundcheck:

I don’t know how I ever got so lucky winning soundcheck passes, but I wanna thank all the lords and the universe for awarding BOTH glenn and I this opportunity. Soundcheck is truly such an intimate experience because you get to experience bts in all their natural glory. Even though this was just a rehearsal, it felt like a mini concert and I even told glenn that I’d be fine if I didn’t go for their concert and I can die happy lmaoooo.

Brief soundcheck tidbits (you can read the rest here):

1) Jin looks THE best without makeup, he has such good skin and I swear this man is really really handsome in person. I’ll admit I never bought into the worldwide handsome hype before, but I’m a convert now.

2) Jin kept looking at glenn and I several times and he was FULL ON staring. It wasn’t even a brief glance, it was as if I owed him money and he was waiting for me to return it to him (yes jin i owe u my money and life). I kept wondering if I was delusional (aren’t we all, tbh). To be fair, I think jin was also looking at the barricades behind us and/or staring into space, but this man definitely looked me straight in the eye. How did I survive? I didn’t, I’m typing from my grave

3) hobi glows in person, and he’s really not called the sun for nothing. He was the first one to walk out on stage and he had the biggest smile plastered on his face the entire time. Sunshine radiates from this man with every move he makes. Alongside joon, he was the one speaking the most and leading the members.

Ok, so storytime. There were supposed to be 1000 soundcheck winners but when we entered, there was NO way that there were 1000 of us. Our area had probably around 100 - 150 people max and the same goes for the other side. During the concert ment time,  jungkook mentioned that there were only 200++ fans at soundcheck. The moment he said that, glenn and I turned to each other and went “HUH?” and we clowned him because we thought he couldn’t math... (sorry jk bro for doubting you oops). As it turns out, about 800 soundcheck passes were cancelled because they were obtained through special means and connections. AND, the reason they looked really tired/sad at soundcheck was because they were expecting 1000 fans and they probably thought they couldn’t even fill up that amount. :( fuck you scalpers, fuck you snakes staff, but I’m glad bighit decided to cancel all those tickets because those fools dont deserve it and also more space for us soundcheck winners muahahaha.

Before I delve into the concert experience, I need to vent about my stupidity and anger at myself. **CAUTION: RANT AHEAD** So, the standing ticket holders were let in to the venue from 4 pm onwards, and we happily found a spot to settle in and chill. (it was definitely NOT chill in our pit, but that’s another story) At around 6.30pm, everyone decided to stand up officially. Fast forward 15 minutes, I went into full panic mode because I needed to pee. Usually, I’ll just hold it in but my stomach was feeling quite queasy (I’ve been having a lot of stomach issues since november). I also didn’t wanna watch the entire concert with the constant urge to pee because that’s so fun, right? It just SO happened that mingyou and carol were talking about going to the back to watch the concert so I said fuck it, I’ll just go to the toilet and stand at the back too. Went to the toilet to pee and ta-da, ONLY TWO FREAKING DROPS OF PEE CAME OUT. I was so pissed at myself (my body really) because it made me leave my front spot for nothing. But, what’s done was done. I told myself that hey, at least you can finally breathe now (while internally cursing). **RANT OVER**

CONCERT:

Even though I’ve watched so many fancams from their concert, NOTHING will ever beat the experience of watching it in person. I got GOOSEBUMPS when the first note of idol played and they all rose from the platform. Till this day, I STILL get goosebumps rewatching any idol fancams because of that exact moment.

me watching the IDOL opening stage for the 94919994th time:

I was watching IDOL from the back with carol and mingyou, and I was truly thankful that I had the space to dance and go wild. But, that feeling lasted briefly because I realised I was so damn far from the stage. BTS was performing most of their choreographed songs at the purple main stage so even if I was at my original spot, I still wouldn’t be able to see them. The huge led screens existed for that very reason, but my stubborn ass was adamant on watching them on the stage instead of seeing them through a screen.

me deciding to squeeze my way back in again:

After IDOL, it was time for their intro ment (introducing themselves, saying a few comments the usual stuff). Immediately after, they performed save me/I’m fine. I don’t know why my idiotic ass thought this was a good time to squeeze my way in when I should have been FOCUSED on my boys. I was basically half watching them, half saying sorry excuse me to strangers. *bows head deeply and slaps self*

Ok moving on.... I really freaking love how they created the transition from save me to I’m fine. The part where tae gets up into a bridge position was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. For some reason, he looked particularly breathtaking doing this move at this very concert. The beauty of live performances, indeed.

Personally, tae stood out in save me/I’m fine the most.

Magic Shop was next, which surprised me because I forgot that it was so early in the setlist. Hence, I was NOT ready for the incoming wave of emotions.

“so show me, I’ll show you” will forever remain one of the most iconic lines in the fandom 😭😭😭 I think I would have cried if this song was played towards the end of the concert. 

As per tradition, a subunit vcr is played before each members solos. So the order goes hopekook, minjoon, tae and yoonjin (yoonjin was too!! much!! to handle because it was 2 separate screens and I didn’t know where to look at???)

Jungkook: Euphoria

(aiyooo look at them cheeks *pinch*)

I love how this has now become our official fanchant (for context). Euphoria is one of my fave intros after seesaw and my ears were in for a treat that night. (It was also at this point I decided to just stay in my current spot instead of trying to find glenn). Jungkook sounds amazing live and this made me realise that wow, he really deserves the main vocalist title.

As most fans would have known, Jungkook was so exhausted at the seoul music awards, which was a mere few days before the concert. Naturally, I was worried that kook would push himself too much in sg. I could tell he was definitely a little worn out, but he still gave it his all (bcos its jungkook) and delivered an impressive performance. I’m truly happy I’ve witnessed euphoria live 😍

J-Hope: Just Dance

JUNG HO SEOK, YOU GOOD??? J-hope showed me what the term bias wrecker really meant that night. I think EVERYONE left the stadium that night rethinking their bias list (if you didn’t, you’re lying). His stage presence and charisma is out of this world. Everyone knows he’s a good dancer, but seeing him executing those moves in person is REALLY something else. 

my face during the entire performance

when he walked over to the extended stage, I was like

WHO IS HE? HE’S J-HOOOOOOOOPE! LOUDER!

I Need U + Run

I honestly don’t remember much from this except for THE vmon moment because they were kinda all over the place. They started at the main stage, then came over to the extended stage and were just dancing their hearts out freely. The members were all splashing water (Idk how they do it so nicely, I’ll probably just hit someone’s head with the bottle) and there was a water cannon. The water cannon was SOOOO strong, I and the people around me were caught off guard (rip my hair & makeup). Bighit probably knew mosh pit fans were sweaty as hell so they wanted us to take a bath. How nice of them.

I loooooveee the outfits they wore here. I’m not a fan of all white ensembles but on bts, I’ll make an exception. They look like ethereal angels who've descended down to earth for one day to grace us with their presence. I’M HERE FOR IT.

look at all da sparkles (and jimin’s messy hair uwu)

Jimin: Serendipity

Till this day, jimin remains my favourite performer in bts. Whenever I watch a bts performance, my eyes automatically go straight to jimin. As a contemp dancer trained in ballet, you can see how that has shaped his performances. Fluidity is the term I would use to describe his style, because he moves like he’s gliding through water. I often find myself rewatching his fancams the most because he has so much adaptibility, its crazy. He knows when to go hard and when to reel it back in. Jimin has such pretty dance lines as well. He stands out because he really pays attention to the little details (the turn of a foot, the hand placement, arch of a back)

Out of all the solos, serendipity is really the prettiest. The combination of jimin’s glitter shirt + pastel hair + bubbles really was a feast for the eyes 😍

See what I mean? Jimin looks so picturesque even in motion.

Trivia: Love

As glenn pointed out, Joon looks so much softer in person (he’s a real life koya 😭). In person, his features are much softer and ‘rounder’. While he may have soft features (how many times can I use the word soft), his stage presence is a huge contrast. I’ve often noticed that out of everyone, joon is the most focused member during performances. While the others will interact with fans/try to incorporate some kind of fan service, rm concentrates solely on carrying out what he’s supposed to do. I can respect that.

Ugh!!! This man!!! Honestly, I was a little worried joon wouldn’t get the hype and cheers he rightfully deserves but Singapore impressed me. Well done, my fellow countrymen (and foreign fans). There was a girl beside me who screamed super loud and kept yelling “KIM NAMJOON!!!!!” so I was like HELLLL YEAH OKAY FINALLY SOMEONE AS HYPED AS ME LEGGO. Jungkook making a heart at the end with namjoon was so cute uwu. Everyone collectively lost their shit when joon slid his jacket off over one shoulder. King of giving the people what they want, I see you.

**another thing to note is how he always looks SOOO happy performing love. You can see the genuine happiness radiating off this man. It makes me happy too 🤗

DNA

The main talking point of this performance was that jimin fell. I actually missed it, because I could only see their side view and jimin was blocked from my pov. By the time I looked at the screen, jimin was already on the floor (still smiling bcos he’s jimin) and I was like oh nooooooo. Apparently after that, they coordinated among themselves mid song to tell each other not to do the ending choreo. A PLUS TEAMWORK, RIGHT THERE! tae even went to wipe the floor after the performance, bless his precious soul.

sidenote: I love love their dna outfits, especially the jackets!! They had different ones for the america and europe concerts, but I do love the asia tour ones just a little more.

Medley

The other highlight of the concert happened here because I was reunited with glenn!!!!!!! I found her just when they launched into fire and we were like OOOOOMMMMGGGG YAS. I actually gave up on ever finding her, but I suddenly saw her blouse from the corner of my eye (THANK YOU GLENN FOR WEARING A PINK DAISY TOP). During the medley, everyone kept following wherever the boys went because the boys were on the moving stage. I felt like I was at a wave pool getting pushed without even moving. They were right at the back at the small diamond stage, so I couldn’t really see much. I had no choice but to watch from the screen. 

funny moments: tae doing pubg dances LOOOL , rm’s legendary hip thrust (you’re welcome)

Airplane Pt. 2

I.. actually forgot that this song was on the setlist. It felt really anti climatic and I wish they would have arranged this to be after DNA or something. 

*airplane pt 2 comes on me:

Jokes aside, I do love this song. It was even one of my top songs in 2018 according to spotify.

V: Singularity

For the first and only time during the concert, this made me speechless. Normally, I’d be cheering and singing along to all of the songs. BUT man oh man, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from tae. While jimin is my favourite performer to watch, I believe that tae is the most expressive performer in bts. Whenever I watch him, I realise that wow that’s really a celebrity right there. Its easy to dress up and put on a show, but not everyone can really perform. What separates a regular person from a star is the x factor, and taehyung is the perfect embodiment of that.

Look

at

that

duality

Fake Love

First off, how did I not notice jhope was wearing leather gloves???? Fake love is still that bitch, no matter what anyone says. It gave us goth bangtan and that’s all I could ever ask for.

I wasn’t expecting them to perform the rock version, and I LOVE IT. I’ve probably watched all of their fake love performances, but seeing it live just solidified it as my fave title track from the love yourself series. Funny anecdote: jungkook didn’t lift his shirt up like he usually does and I swear the people around me were disappointed. They didn’t outrightly say anything, but I could feel the sadness 😂

Suga: Seesaw

ALRIGHT, SHE DROPPED THE CHEESECAKE TIME. Seesaw is my fave solo so you bet your sweet ass this bitch was excited AF!

Singapore did good for the seesaw fanchants, I’m so proud of us *wipes away tear* yoongi definitely noticed our efforts and smiled so freaking wide when he heard us (he absolutely has THE cutest gummy smile).

I remember the entire fandom (me included) got shookt to the core when yoongi first debuted the seesaw performance. We were like ‘suga dancing??’ Seesaw as a song itself was already a pretty unconventional fit for yoongi. We were all used to his hard hitting rap songs (agust d says hi) so we were really surprised. But, you can see how much fun yoongi always has whenever he’s performing seesaw and I’m thankful that he reversed our expectations with this song.

Jin: Epiphany

THIS MAN, yes I am suing. His name is Kim Seok Jin. How dare he make me feel all of the feels when I specifically told him not to? Hearing 50,000 people singing “I’m the one I should love in this world” together was truly a historical moment (just hear how it sounds from OUTSIDE the stadium). Seeing Jin channel all of his emotions into this song was heartbreaking, yet cathartic at the same itme. I would have full on ugly cried but all the screaming probably killed the mood.

the gaze of a man who knows the power he holds, ugh I stan

Epiphany is such a perfect song, 10/10. I don’t know what else to say because nothing I ever say will compare to the experience of actually watching it live. I love you, jin (no hetero)

The Truth Untold

v, jimin, jungkook, jin are the nation’s vocalists thank you for coming to my ted talk

I could barely hear tae at the start because of his mic, which was a shame :( Aside from that, everyone sounded really great. TTU is a song that can strain your voice if not done properly. There were definitely some concerts where some of them struggled to reach the high notes or the correct key. One thing’s for sure though - Jin has CONSISTENTLY been singing in perfect pitch and ALWAYS delivers a fantastic performance. Jin’s singing is so stable, it deserves more recognition. I love tae’s ad lib here and how he made everyone lose their marbles after.

Outro: Tear

HANDS DOWN, FAVE PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT!!!!! I walked out of the concert still thinking about tear, because it was THAT powerful. I’m glad glenn was beside me for this because she’s the only other tear enthusiast I know (TEAM SENN ✊🏼). BTS individually have amazing stage charisma, but put the three rappers together and you get AN UNDENIABLE FORCE. I’ll always stan rap line till the day I die. The three of them have such different rapping styles, yet nothing sounds out of place when they work together.

yoongi in headbands is so hot, no one fight me on this

Mic Drop

Second fave performance of the night! (okay I might be slightly biased, since it was right after tear) Even though this was nearing the end of the concert, I was actually way more energetic than I was at the start. It was like I was saving all my energy stores for this very moment. When joon mentioned it was their last song, I was like NOOOOOOOOO WAIT WHAT YOU CAN’T LEAVE YET. Then, I remembered that there was an encore segment and the world was all right again.

I see you stylists with the second white ensemble of the night, and I raise you one. Mic drop is the song that can get anyone hyped up anywhere. I feel like this is the song that you can play at clubs / festivals and it wont feel out of place. Fun story: the dj at dpr live’s show played mic drop and everyone was lowkey jamming to it (also shout out to all the armys there)

Please watch jhope’s fancam!!! I’ve always felt that mic drop is one of the few songs that allows him to really shine as a dancer. As a hip hop dancer, he doesn’t get many opportunities to showcase it because he has to ‘tone down’ for bts choreos. If you have the time, do check out all of his hopeonthestreet videos to really see dancer hoseok in his element!

mandatory iconic yoongi mic drop

Encore Stage (So What & Anpanman)

All of the cutest and funniest interactions took place right here!!! Before the concert, I was going back and forth between getting purple or yellow tickets but I definitely do NOT regret getting yellow tickets! The extended stage is where you can see their goofy selves come out to play.

joon + jimin’s cheeks: an untold love story

p.s. joon was casually applying lip balm before this moment, lol

me whenever minjoon minjoons

this is peak joon at his final form

jimin got to start anpanman this time!!

cosmo and wanda (I mean vmin) being the absolute cutest

chaotic duo taejin back at it again

vmon was being very very cute during anpanman & so what!! There were so many vmon moments throughout the concert, THANK YOU UNIVERSE for blessing me with the most underrated ship.

noteworthy moments during the encore stage:

-sope freaking looked at glenn and I, and we almost combusted right there. Both of them came over to our side at one point, and stepped down onto this black box platform just below (no wonder they felt so close). Almost everyone else were on their phones, so naturally they noticed us because we were the only two crazy bitches cheering by ourselves. I MADE EYE CONTACT AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. suga smiled so hard when he saw us going all out, and that’s when I knew: I was yoongi’s bitch for life. jhope was looking at us with a sort of approval *stands at attention* YES SIR ARMY REPORTING FOR DUTY

-jungkook came over to our side of the stage and was just in right front of me. I took this time to really look at his face (HAHA) because I felt like I didn’t see him enough during the concert. He was doing body rolls (looked a little something like this) and everyone around me was busy trying to get his attention. Upon closer ‘inspection’ of jungkook, I have concluded that he is a 5 year old trapped in a 20 year old ripped body. His body proportions are reeeealllyy crazily good - with his tiny waist and long legs (and veiny arms). I can see why people lose their mind over him, but he’ll always remain an adorable bunny to me.

-I got blessed by yoongi’s holy water during so what. I didn’t think I was gonna be close enough to get the water but I GUESS NOT! I’ve never been happier getting splashed with water in my life. I swear, yoongi was so cute bouncing around and just smiling the whole time (I can’t stop talking about yoongi, SO SUE ME)

this is what jungkook looks like in person, can you believe? Fansite pictures are always heavily edited (especially jungkook’s for some reason) so sometimes they can come across as quite ‘fake looking’ when you look at images. Lemme tell you, they look a thousand times better in person. The melanin, the glow, the messy hair, their natural skin - can we get a hallelujah

Final Ment

Their final ment before we parted ways :((( I do enjoy hearing them speak even if its in korean, because you get to listen to their thoughts and feelings. I also really appreciate their attempt in speaking english, because it shows that they care. They might have memorised what to say, but effort goes a long way!

- tae saying we are part of his story, memory and scenery 😭😭😭 who knew it would be a teaser for his song! that sly kid. give it a listen over here, you won’t regret it.

- jungkook saying that the fans at soundcheck (*raises hands* YES IT ME) cheered crazily good. yasss thank you kook for acknowledging us and trust me, you could have just ten armys and we’ll still cheer like 10,000 people!

yoongi was being so freaking cute and for what?? that little pout before he launched into his speech.... HERE TAKE MY HEART

the best part was yoongi correcting the translator (not good night, GREAT night) man’s fluent in english but never shows it off, I approve of this slytherin move. yoongi even mentioned that he thought there was a day 2 concert. live nation, what are you doing??? I was so looking forward to a day 2 concert too. Is minstradamus predicting a 2 day concert in Singapore in the future??  👀

jin is a sagittarius in every sense of the word. the way he waited for his close up before slowly removing his shades.....I’m honestly not surprised anymore. I’m too used to having so many sagittarius in my life LOL. he even attempted to speak singlish not once, but twice. I sincerely applaud the effort, though my greedy self wished every member tried too (I’m still waiting for jimin to say ‘ zuo mo ni jiang bad de’)

speaking of jimin, he sang promise!! for the first time!! live!! singapore was truly blessed :)))))

thank you God for spending a little more time on this fine specimen, jung hoseok. hoseok is fine, but with his forehead exposed? FINE FINE. *cue me singing I’m fine* everyone was chanting “J Hope! J Hope! J Hope!’ even before he spoke and he was like oooooh, me? while pointing at himself like pls hobi ITS ALL FOR YOU BBY.

yes, you have stolen my heart jung hoseok

I can’t believe this man even bothered to count the days and meals for his speech..... (I like how bts pretends music bank didnt exist LMAO) this man can honestly sell you a trash bag with how eloquent he is. english is his second/third language yet he can construct better sentences in english than I ever will. in Jeon Jungkook’s words “Kim Namjoon, you dangerous man”

Answer: Love Myself (aka THE END CRIES)

At last, the final song dawned upon us. This is it, the moment reality hits you. That we’re all gonna return to our sad little lives after the concert. I was expecting myself to cry, but I actually felt... at peace? Hearing them sing “I should love myself” also served as a final reminder that that is also the title of their world tour, and the key message to take away from the love yourself series. At the end of the day, bts are also 7 young men in their 20s struggling alongside the rest of us. They have their own battles to fight too, but at least we’re all in this together. BTS may be there to provide us with happiness and love, but we must never forget to look inward first. 💜

Welcome, first time experiencing singapore’s humidity?

Singapore air’s just that powerful huh

I got chills, they’re multiplying!

Ngl, Singapore really impressed me. Every member’s solo got the same deserving amount of screams and we even got seesaw’s part down! (yoongi was really happy huhu) I don’t think they nor us fans expected such an enthusiastic response, but I hope this lifted their spirits up. Touring non stop for months is no easy feat, and I hope our passion made them less weary for one night. I still feel extremely blessed that I got to see them so quickly after I became a full-fledged fan. Hope to see you boys real soon! 😁😁😁

p.s. I recommend reading glenn’s experience here, because it is MUCH more detailed and well articulated

p.p.s link to jimin fancams, link to j-hope fancams, link to rm tear fancam

To end off, here are some random/cute pics for your enjoyment ~

me shaking off all the sweat, filth and water out of my hair after the concert

grandpa over flowers

hello glenn, this is for you

LOOK at jungkook’s forearms.... he can literally kill us all

The cameraman was WHIPPED for tae that night, it kept focusing on tae for a good chunk of time (I can’t blame him/her, we were all in awe too)

Singapore is officially J-hope land now. Can he run for president next?

Thank you for giving me a night I will never forget 190119 will forever be etched in my memory 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[maybeyapping]

The Five Stages of Falling In Love by Edward Elric

People tell you that there are 5 stages of grief, but what they don’t tell you is that there are 5 stages of falling for someone.

 Hi, I’m a linguistics and science major at Royal Amestris, and I’ve fallen in love with my novelist Best Friend, Naomi Brighton.

 Perhaps you’ve heard of her, she wrote the groundbreaking Soul Cross triology, and a series called Koralyne, which revolves around a closeted trans lesbian. I’ve won a few awards for my projects too, but nothing she has.

 Anyways, I think I should get back to the story. Here’s stage one.

 1.       Encounter

 It was a sunny day, way too hot for my mechanic leg to rest comfortably on my skin. I was sipping a milkshake while sitting in my town’s local library, Books n’ Cookies. The name really suited the place, since it was a sort of safe haven for homeless guys, or LGBT folk hiding from family members or homophobic friends. They didn’t charge you for the cookies, at least in money. If you want a cookie and a drink, all you had to do was show your receipt for borrowing a book.

 Sheska, my classmate, was the one who first introduced it to me, and wow, I’m glad she did.

 Anyway, I was sipping the white, icy, beverage, when the door’s bell chimed. I was sitting at the tiny café area, flipping through a YA novel written in my target language, French. It was about an Asexual Biromantic girl, learning how to understand how Homophobia originated. Naomi walked past me at first, and ordered a drink and a cake. She then walked past my table, and she must’ve read an entire paragraph before saying: “The Girl and The Homophobes? Good choice. A LGBT Classic.” I looked up, and scanned her appearance. She was wearing a red headband, a light blue cardigan over a white blouse, a jean skirt with multiple LGBT and fandom badges; biromatic, demisexual, Percy Jackson, Zelda, Voltron, and some of her own merch. She was also sporting white sneakers on which she had painted the words ‘I’m Here and I’m Queer’ over them both. Her left leg was made of the same metal which my right one was created with. She had light brown skin, which reminded me of Professor Miles, freckles, deep black hair, and steely silver eyes.

 “Wh—oh, yeah. You know it?” I spluttered after a moment. She laughed, and leaned against the table, “Know it?” she asked, “I wrote it!” I gaped, “Seriously?” she laughed simply, nodding, “Yeah. It’s the first thing I’ve published,” she supplied. I nodded, eyes wide and lips parted slightly. “It’s good,” I said, “have you published anything else since?” Naomi nodded, “I’ve written the Soul Cross Legends book, and the short story Petrified.” My jaw dropped, “Seriously!? I love Petrified!” Naomi laughed, and nodded to the chair in front of me, “May I?” she asked. I nodded, a little surprised she wanted to continue talking.

 She sat down and unpacked her macbook. I whistled, “sweet.” Naomi rolled her eyes, “Only one of the perks of being a semi popular author,” I clicked my tongue, “Semi? Dude, my entire linguistics class loves your books. You should start your own library.” Naomi barked a laugh, “What? I wouldn’t make any money with that! I don’t even have enough books to fill a library.” I propped my arm on the table, “But you could.” “Do you have any idea how long it takes to write a book?” “No, but I bet you’ll tell me.” “Petrified took two years, with character creation and research. I asked people with PTSD and war veterans to write Gabby.” I whistled appreciatively, “That’s commitment.” Naomi huffed, starting up her macbook, “Or is it just proper representation?” She asked, at my widened eyes she chuckled: “I asked my trans lesbian friend on Koralyne too, so don’t underestimate my ability to do the proper research.”

 I raised my arms defensively, “Alright, I won’t. You’ve proven yourself worthy, bookworm,” I joked. Naomi laughed, “If I’m bookworm,” she pointed at the Bill Nye The Science Guy badge on my sweatshirt, “Does that make you Science Prince?” I laughed, “That’s better than Alchemy Prince,” Naomi giggled, tilting her head, “What’d you do to earn that name?” I groaned, rolling my eyes, “I held a presentation in High School about Alchemy Theory, and I’m researching it now, I got the name from my High School science teacher,” I grinned, “Man, Mrs. Curtis was an amazing teacher, always encouraged me and my brother.” Naomi smiled, “You have a brother?” I nodded. “He’s a year younger than me, studying linguistics and history currently.” Naomi sighed, leaning on her palm, “Wow that’s so cool. I can’t afford going to college, so I work at a cozy little Library.” Her smirk told me that yes, I work here.  

 We ended up talking for two more hours, and exchanging numbers.

 That was how I met my best friend.

  2.       Friendship

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t noticed I’d befriended her until she invited me to play Zelda with her at her apartment. It was a larger apartment uptown, and the mailbox in the entry hall had three names pasted onto it: Brighton, Alvarez and Mckinnon. I guessed Alvarez and Mckinnon were her roommates. I knocked on her door on the 6th floor, and let her pull me inside. She jumped over her couch and crashed onto it with a muffled ‘POOMPF’.  I dropped my bag onto the floor and fell onto the couch. She had moved to sit in front of it, cross legged, controller on her lap. “Welcome,” she said, as I lied on the couch, “to El Palacio de la diversidad, The Palace of Diversity.” I chuckled, “How diverse can it be with three people?” “You’d be surprised,” she said cockily, “Lysanna is Latinx, Cuban, to be exact, Ashley is from Cherokee decent. My parents moved to France two generations ago, then, my parents moved to madrid and I was born there. Then, I came here with Lys and Ash.” I whistled, “A woman of many cultures I see.” “Not to mention the diversity in sexuality and gender; I’m Demisexual and Bi, Ash is Pan and trans, Lys is queer.” I raised a brow, “just queer?” Naomi nodded, pressing buttons on her remote, “yep, she’s still trying to figure it out, but she has dated men, women, in between – basically, she’s seen it all.” I laughed, “Seriously?” Naomi giggled, “Yep! Without her I doubt Ash would be so confident today.” I tilted my head, “And you?”

 She froze. Her muscles tightened (and believe me, there was a lot to tighten), and her nostrils flared. Her eyes turned steely, “I don’t think anyone can help me recover from my lost pride.”  For a moment, I simply stared at her. When I inhaled, ready to ask her ‘Why’s that’, she bolted up. “I’ll be right back,” she said, and waved. Then, she disappeared down the hall. As she was absent, I looked at the polaroids decorating the walls, shelves and tables. There was a white string above the kitchen counter, as well as the TV. On all pictures stood Naomi, with two other girls, sometimes just one, other times Naomi wasn’t depicted. There was a pink polaroid camera on the shelf above the TV, next to it a picture of a girl with brown skin, dark brown curly hair, and sparkling green eyes. In pink marker the white area of the picture read, ‘I’m better than you at everything, but above all else: sex. –Lys’ There was a manuscript of The Girl And The Homophobes, next to it was a picture of Naomi in a bright blue, flower printed sundress and straw hat. It read: ‘Feelings aren’t sensible. People don’t make sense, and love doesn’t either. The people who do, are often times the wrong ones. – Nao’ the last item was a mannequin head, on which orange cat-ear headphones rested. The polaroid taped to the mannequin had a picture of a girl with light brown hair, dark red eyes and brown skin, and scars along her arms. She was wearing an orange sweatshirt-vest, and black jeans. It read ‘I have a free life long trial of feeling okay. –Ash, 2017’

 Just then, Naomi returned. She was holding a blue, white and silver bracelet that she had made herself. It was made of wool, one of those classic friendship bracelets that were popular a few years ago. She must’ve noticed the ones I wore, green and blue from Winry, a brown and gold one from Al, a yellow, white and gold one from Ling, a green and black one from Lan Fan, the list went on. “Here,” she said, handing it to me, “This is for you. A gift.” I took it, eyes blown wide, “Thanks.” Naomi smiled, and sat down again. “I consider us friends, you know.” I hummed, “That’s good to know, Bookworm.” After a moment of silence, the only sound coming from her controller, I added: “I consider us friends, too.”

 She grinned, silver eyes sparkling with delight.

 3.       Trust

She hadn’t come to the Library that day. That set me off. “Don’t worry about it, Brother,” Al had said, “She was probably just feeling under the weather.” I had hummed, but I didn’t believe it. She normally texted me if she wasn’t feeling well, so this was new. I left Al when he began talking to Mei, and ran uptown – to Naomi’s apartment.

 I bounded up the stairs and knocked on the apartment door. At least, I slid to a halt before it, just as the door opened and a familiar face exited. “Hm? Ed? What are you doing here?” Lys asked, green eyes glittering curiously. “Naomi didn’t show today,” I said, “Just wanted to check that she’s okay.” Lys deflated, green eyes turning dark. “She’s in her room,” she said grimly, “last door on the right. She’s…she needs someone she can trust.” I frowned, “And it’s not you?” Lys smiled sadly, “I’m not you, apparently.” With that, she dropped the apartment key into my hand and left.

 I unlocked the door and stepped inside. After dropping the key in it’s holder on the dresser next to the door, I headed towards Naomi’s room. There was a whiteboard pinned to the door, and the quote had been written with wet marker: “Dying is Easy, Living is Harder –Lin Manuel Miranda” From behind the door I heard coughing and broken sobs. I pushed the door open carefully, and my eyes flew over Naomi, wrapped in a bi pride flag blanket, curled up into a ball, sobbing uncontrollably.

 I slowly walked to her bed and sat down. She continued to cry until I placed my hand on her head tentatively. She stopped sobbing, and moved her head to my lap. “What happened?” I asked, voice quiet. Naomi hiccupped, “M-My step mom…I-I thought…I thought she—she had texted me…” I was no mind reader, but I guessed she didn’t like her step mom much. The way she avoided talking about her ‘Family’, I could only guess that she was the victim of Homophobia, Sexism, Abuse, or all of the above. I pet her head, and whispered, “I’m here. You’re safe.” I wanted to say ‘You’re safe,’ but I couldn’t lie to her, and I didn’t know if it really was safe. She coughed. “I’m…I’m sorry, I’m bad at this.” I said. “J-Just…cuddle?” she sobbed, and I froze. After a moment my shock morphed into a smile, “Sure.” I said, crawling into bed next to her.

 We lied in silence, me cradling her in my arms. I found we did this a lot, acting like a couple, even though we weren’t. I never did this with anyone else, it was something only Naomi knew of me.

 Suddenly, she spoke: “I was 7 when Ash told me she thought my mom was abusive,” I froze, my hand stopped stroking her back, “It wasn’t until I was 11 that the police did something. I was put in a foster home. I thought…I thought mom’s hit their kids, and that they refused to feed them when they got bad grades. I though Mrs Mckinnon was the weird one.” Ashley Mckinnon saved Naomi. That was a fact I knew then. I pulled her closer and whispered, “You’re free now. You’re here.” Naomi hummed, the vibration resonating through my body, “To this day, I flinch everytime someone gets really angry.” I frowned, I knew that. I had been on the ‘really angry’ side of the situation sometimes.

 “I won’t let her hurt you again,” I said, “I know Ash and Lys won’t either.” Naomi nodded, and grasped my shirt. “Thanks,” she husked, “Thanks Ed.”

 4.       Recognition/Acceptance

It was simple, really.

 It was such a small thing, I’m surprised I didn’t notice it sooner. We were sitting at the library café, laughing, joking, talking, brainstorming fic and novel ideas. Her eyes crinkled, and her grin was wide. Her gray eyes were sparkling, and looked like pure silver, she was curling a strand of hair around her fingers, her raid nails creating a contrast to her black hair. Had her eyes always been such an indescribable shade between silver and blue? I wasn’t sure.

 I felt my face grow hot, the warmth spreading to my ears when she began to play with her red earrings. Red reminds me of you, she had said when buying them with me, so I’ll be sure to always think of you when I wear these.

 Remembering that sent electricity through my body.

 Oh no.

  5.      Confession

We were on the Central City Pier, our feet dangling over the edge as the sky painted the sea in dark shades of blue under the setting sky. The sky was dipped shades of red, blue and purple. She was wearing shorts and a blue bikini top. A red ribbon held her braid together.

 She was smiling, licking her strawberry ice cream. Her lips were red from the cold, but she never shivered. She looked at me, and I whipped my head away. I felt hot from my nose to my ears, and then she did something that made me grow hot all over:

 She touched my ear.

 I turned around and she pulled her hand back. “You’re warm,” she said, silver eyes blown wide. The wind picked up and brushed her hair into a frazzled mess. I probably looked just as disheveled. “Mhm,” I hummed, glaring at the horizon. Naomi pouted, and scooted nearer. She studied the side of my face as I sipped my slushie. I felt my cheeks heat up. She tilted her head. “What’s wrong with you? You look like the sun just ruined Al’s surprise Birthday party.” I rolled my eyes and glared at Naomi. She smiled, “Now you look like I missed an expertly planned Chemistry pun.” “That’s how I feel, too.” Naomi laughed, “Oh yeah? Pray tell, what did I miss?”

 I glared at my slushie, now, and felt the heat spread down my neck. “You’re such a hypocrite,” I deadpanned, making her squeak indigilantly, “You call me oblivious while being 100% clueless yourself.” Naomi frowned, “What do you mean?” She got on all fours and stared at me intently. I looked at her, which was a mistake. Her face was positioned in a way that it was nearly impossible not to look down her shirt. I cursed, then turned to her. I grabbed her arms and pulled her into a sitting position.

 “Are you stupid?” I asked, “or just in denial?” Naomi deflated. “Denial,” she hummed, “I just don’t get how you could possibly have a crush on me.” I scowled, “Hell if I know. You’re cute I guess.” She laughed airily, “You guess?” I shrugged, releasing her. After a minute, she said: “How can you be in love with a fuck up like me?” “If with fuck up you mean you fuck me up, then, easy, you just…do.” Naomi smiled, and intertwined our fingers, “Can you help me love myself again?” I looked at our hands, face hot, “I can try. No, I…I promise I will.” Naomi laughed, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” “I only make ones I can.”

 I hadn’t realized how much her words affected me (and vice versa) until that moment.

 Then, she pushed me against the pier and kissed me.

[tequilaandtouchingtragedies]

9/12/18.

9/12/18.

I’m going to get so much backlash from this post, but it will only be from people i’ve never told the full story to.......the people who have seen me bash said person all over the internet because I was too much of a coward to confront him. I will regret this.

First things first: These are all my own thoughts, feelings, and things i’ve composed within the last two weeks after long nights, drugging myself so I could sleep and trying to move on and recover all on my own. Nobody knows the entire story of this night, and nobody ever will. Some people know pieces, but not the whole thing. I can’t even form words to speak to someone about this, every time I try i’m at a loss. I always will be.

It’s my word against a dead guy’s word now.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably followed me on social media for quite some time. You’ve seen me act up, get depressed, get suicidal, fuck up. Relapse. Hate myself. Read everything in the morning then delete it later when i’m sober.

I want to hang myself.

I posted a blog post a while back somewhat detailing the things that I could bring myself to tell the world, but there’s a lot of things I miss that I have a guilty conscience about now. And i’m ready to share them. I’m ready to share my story.

You came to me when I needed you. You’ve always been there. I shot you on Warped a few years ago, and you responded to my photos of you with love and acceptance. Nothing else involved. Just those photos and our conversations. It was so simple, so accepting and so loving. You valued the life you led, and it was very clear. You lived it ALL no matter what you did.

I promised myself this post wouldn’t be a post bashing you, as i’ve done these past 8 months. That’s all it took.

I just remember I was standing at the bar closest to the stage in Vegas watching my boys in ETF, drinking doubles because my social anxiety told me I needed them......even though I knew no one in the crowd in Vegas. I have issues and you knew that, everyone did. I remember the guys finished, Craig texted me and told me it would be a while and so I improvised. I hung out at the bar until your band played. I snagged another double (my third) and sat in the crowd while you played. I remember being impressed, it was the first time I had seen you guys since Warped however long ago. I knew a few songs then, not too many but enough to keep me entertained until someone came to get me.

I thought you guys were awesome, and so talented. And you all were.

I remember you guys finishing, and I was still waiting for some friends prior to load out. I decided to go sit in the bar by the merch tables which was across the room. I hungout with this girl who was here for I Prevail, and we had a good time. We talked with the bartender, I told her who I was here with. It was funny, we all were having a great time while I was by myself with this stranger in a bar until these three guys came over and bought us drinks. At this point, I was done.

I just remember grabbing my phone, asking anyone I knew in Vegas for help.

Anyone.

You were the third person I hit up, after Tj and Craig who were stuck loading out to a bus that was blocks away, I discovered later in the night.

I was so uncomfortable. I was so drunk. And I kept drinking. I just remembered the “don’t worry, i’m coming straight to the bar as soon as i’m doing loading out, i’ll be there soon” and somehow, I felt at ease. It only took you ten minutes. I’m not sure if it was the sense of panic you felt in my messages or what, but you were there. You appeared.

When I needed you most.

I just remember there were three guys bothering me at the bar. They kept buying my drinks, trying to get me to play pool with them and trying to get me to leave with them. I was so wasted and I knew that while I was SITTING DOWN, but standing up was a whole other story. I remember telling them, “Oh thank you, the guy i’m here with just came to get me” and I pointed at you and got out of my seat. They had no idea who you were, they were there for I Prevail, thank fuck. I just remember standing up and almost hitting the floor. I could see you watching from a distance, while you were taking pictures with a couple who were huge fans of you.

I had to focus to stand. I remember that much before I started to black out. Everything was hazy. I made it to the merch table and as soon as you were done taking photos, you grabbed my arm and you grabbed it hard because I couldn’t stand. I remember you gave me a hug. The next thing I knew, we were trying to figure out what to do and for whatever reason, we decided it was best to leave the venue. I remember you holding my hand, and letting me connect arms with you as we walked down these long ass steps that seemed to take forever.

I needed you to stand and you were there.

We eventually made it outside, still holding hands and eventually my phone died. I had one last video of you and Zach gambling before I decided to go back to my hotel. I didn’t even get in the uber the girl who was also with us ordered for me because my phone was dead. I just disappeared and got into an Uber with strangers that night. I didn’t care.

I made it back to the Luxor, plugged my phone in, took out my extensions and blacked the fuck out for 2 hours. Within that two hours, I woke up to a million missed texts, phone calls and instagram messages from you. All of them wondering if I was alive, where I was at, where was I staying. Why I disappeared.

EDIT:

Everything about you was so beautiful. Lots of people have stood out to me in this lifetime, and you were one of them. I’ll never forget you gently kissing my neck. I’ll never forget you holding my hand. I’ll never forget your touch. I’ll never forget you, ever.

I am so sorry.

I am truly so fucking sorry.

We met up around 3:30am and I was still hammered (you clearly knew that as you told me to quit yelling, typical me) I just remember.

I just remember.

You were beautiful, you always have been. I’ve had a mini fangirl crush on you since I was 14 so this was cool to me. But you’d never know that, I never told you. Well, not to that extent. I always told you how beautiful you were. Always.

Little had I known.

The rest is history. I promised I wouldn’t focus on anything bad between us in this post.

I have cried almost every single day since you’ve been gone. I still have a hard time talking about you. I still wish I wouldn’t see headlines about you, about drugs, etc. They haunt me every single day and they always will. I feel like people think i’m being dramatic about this whole thing but they don’t realize that the people who have damaged you live on within you for eternity.

Rumor has it, that it’ll take seven years for your DNA to leave me and it’ll be like you never touched me ever again.

My friends don’t realize how much this has hurt me. I don’t have answers, explanations. I know it was an accident but when will I recover from the ever-lasting scars you’ve left on me? 7 years? Probably not.

I have painted you as a monster for these past 8 months, knowing your addictions issues as well as more in the past. Addiction doesn’t excuse what i’ve experienced between us, absolutely not, but it makes more sense to me now. I wish I had never said anything bad about you.

Sometimes I wish you were never a part of my life.

I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry.

Nobody deserves to die with their demons.

Nobody.

Had I have known this was a factor in what i’ve experienced with you, I would’ve been a helping hand instead of some psycho bitch who used your name to trash you on the internet in the hopes of having someone speak up regarding their issues. I knew it was a factor in this, I even posted about you months prior to your death and predicted this.

I am so sorry.

Addiction doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. But neither does internet slander when you’re in a rough place.

You’d think i’d feel free now but i’ll always feel guilty.

I just wish I would’ve known. Looking back, all the signs were there. I just wish I wouldn’t have painted you out to be such a monster. What you did to me that night in Vegas hurt me and always will, but you weren’t you. You haven’t been you in a year, i’ll always remember those messages.

You came to me in a dream last night which is why i’m drunk-posting this. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I found out the news. I woke up to an article and immediately got sick. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about you, good or bad.

Before it went bad, it was really, really good. Which is why I feel the need to defend you.

I just remember how sweet you were. How soft your kisses were, how soft you were in general. I still think my necklace is on that bandwagon somewhere, it meant alot to me. I just remember being so drunk and running my fingers through your hair, across your face. Your sides. You were so beautiful, you always will be.

I can’t believe I got to kiss you.

I am so sorry. I never wanted to paint you as a monster. We all have our demons, I promise. And I know you know that now. There is never a right time for anything.

You were just lost, like most of us are.

I hope you’ve found peace. Honestly, thank you for setting me up with your best friend before you passed. He’s hilarious, and I think about him often. Nothing serious, but good fun. You picked a good choice for me.

I can only hope you’ve found the peace you deserve. I think about you every day. I even messaged you two months prior to your passing to get answers, but never got a response. I expected that, it’s not an easy thing to talk about. I hope you’re happy wherever you’re at.

I am so sorry things had to end this way. Leave it to fate to do this to us, fate has never failed us before so why start now?

I wish you the best, and i’ve forgiven you. I can only hope you’ve forgiven me too. I’ll be in Detroit when it gets announced here in October. No matter what any of my friends say, this is personal and their opinions don’t matter. They never will.

I am so sorry. I always will be. You didn’t deserve this and nobody every does, or ever will. You did good in this world, and you will live on.

Nobody deserves to die with their demons at their side.

RIP. I love you. <3