#and that’s the basic thing to do as well uno bc i’ve always thought when people say it’s nice or whatever to talk to him it’s like is that

[riarevenge]

some people are so cruel for absolutely no reason uno, there’s a lad who’s had a bit of tough luck lately and has a sick wife and child, and he’s from pakistan and he wanders a couple tube stations and tha to sell some art he makes, and he came up to me so i told him like i’m going in for work right now cos he knows me by now innit, and instead of collecting up his artwork and taking away things he can sell, i just send him odd bits of money whenever i see him if i’ve not been paid yet like £10 here £15 there uno and then i always tell him “i’ll come on this day and buy one of your pieces when i’ve gotten paid” and i do cos it’s basic human decency not to lie and i saw him today and sent him some more money and whatever uno, just having nice convo with him. i asked if he was cold innit cos it’s baltic out here and i buy him one and then he fist bumps me (he’s the cutest on earth) and thanked me and then THIS GRIMY STINKY BLONDE WHITE BANKER TORY LOOKING MAN goes “uno hes probs just lying all them (and then a slur i won’t repeat!) do. jus say you’ll find him another day then don’t come, no use with them lot anyway” WHATTATSUDKFKDKSK HES A HUMAN BEING YOURE DHATTING AHOUT IN FROTNNOF THINAJSIFOKDKWKEKFJF

[jaeheewillalwaysbemyfav]

so since you're gonna do the avatar!mc au with the entities you think each brother would fear the most (SO excited for that btw, my friend can attest to the fact that i've basically been rambling about tma x om nonstop since the first post you made that put the two together), i'd love to hear your thoughts on which entity each brother would *be* an avatar of, if you're cool with sharing! personally i love the ideas of specifically vast!levi and dark!belphie but i'd love to hear your takes on the concept! <3

So because of how time works, despite receiving this ask on July 12, by the time you see this it’ll be August! So the entire Avatar!MC series should be out by now, which I hope you will/have enjoy/ed. I wholeheartedly agree with the concept of Vast! Levi, which I’ve talked about before (as you know ;) ), but I will happily ramble about it again!

These aren’t gonna be short fics though bc I do Yearn to save that energy for The Longfic, which is still in the planning stages because a) I can’t pick a timeline, and b) trying to match up the timelines of Obey Me and TMA is hard, especially when I tend to have a violent disrespect for actually paying attention to the timing of plot events in both. I already fucked up a part of the plotting because I forgot the order we get pacts with the brothers lmao

Content warnings: Mentions/allusions to tma-typical Spookies, yet another installation of my Cursed Crossover idea, lengthy debates about what makes someone choose to become an avatar of fear, spoilers for Lesson 16+ of Obey Me and S5 of TMA

What Entity Do I Think The Brothers Would Serve? (Cursed TMA x Obey Me Crossover)

Lucifer

So I put him as falling victim to the Eye/Beholding bc of his whole thing about Secrets and Pride being about wanting control over your own image

And he does have a creepy tendency in canon to always know when his brothers are up to some Dumb Shit

BUT! You know what we see in Lucifer’s character that we see in a certain Entity?

A simultaneous manipulation of others and submission to being manipulated by a higher power

That’s right, I think Luci would be a Web avatar

But Winter, Lucifer wouldn’t wanna take marching orders from someone/thing else! He’s too proud for that— You’re right! He doesn’t want to. But he will.

He willingly submitted himself and his family to Diavolo for eternity to get what he wanted (saving Lilith)

And from how much we see him work, it’s safe to say that he’s a pretty damn essential part of running the Devildom

If he really wanted to, he could probably successfully pull a coup on Diavolo

But he doesn’t, because he’s trapped himself by his own honour code

Thus, the sexual tension bromance we all know and love/insist is Deeply Problematic and blacklist (depending on how much you like/hate dialuci lol)

10/10, would fill with spiders again

Mammon

I put Mammon as falling victim to the Buried for pretty obvious reasons

But admittedly picking a fear he’d serve is trickier

I had to get a bit abstract with it, but I think the Hunt might suit him

Not necessarily the primal *cough* and police brutality *cough* parts of the Hunt tho

More like how Basira was considered an avatar of the Hunt in the fearpocalypse because of her mission/promise to Daisy

See, Greed can stem from fear

Fear of losing what you have, of no longer being able to support yourself, of being preyed upon by others

So people become greedy as a defense mechanism, to protect what they have

If they’re on the offensive, they won’t be targeted

Also, if you’re constantly pursuing more more more, there’s no time to think about anything else

Like consequences, or guilt, or Feelings

If Mammon let his little tough guy act go too far for too long, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say he could start heading down the path to avatarhood

After all, people pay big money for hitmen and bounty hunters…

Leviathan

As I said last time, I can see why people would associate Levi with the Lonely first: he’s a shut in, he acts like he wants nothing to do with people/would rather be alone, and I get it

BUT! All of that actually stems from the fact that Levi has terrible self-esteem and thinks he deserves to be this gross shut in loser

While envy can make you want to bring others down to your level, so to speak, Levi tends to just shun “normies”, not actively conspire to sabotage them

He actually does crave understanding and to have people in his life, he just doesn’t know how to go about it

Boy’s got Mega Social Anxiety is what I’m saying (funny how both the Lonely and the Eye can be real bad for that, huh)

But the Vast? Nihilism? Takes all the pressure off

If everyone is a small, insignificant speck in the face of an uncaring, unfathomably large cosmos, who cares what you do? Who cares what people think of you?

Yeah, you’d be kinda weird too if you stared into the infinite abyss of the ocean and realized it was just the maw of a gargantuan sea monster too, Karen, lay off

Plus aesthetically, the great Awful Deep most people fear in the ocean is a comfort to Levi

And again, THE VAST IS MORE THAN JUST THE SKY

I WENT ON A BOAT ONCE

LIKE REAL FAR OUT, SO I COULDN’T SEE LAND FOR DAYS

IT WAS JUST ENDLESS B L U E

AND I WAS ON A CRUISE IN THE CARIBBEAN

I SAW A FRACTION OF THE OCEAN’S S U R F A C E AND IT WAS I M M E N S E

Did you know we’ve only explored like 5% or whatever of our oceans? Think about that! Every Single Thing we know about what’s in there is just the tip of the iceberg!!! GOD KNOWS WHAT’S DOWN THERE!!! PROBABLY FUCKED UP FISH IS WHAT

*ahem* anyway, fishee

Satan

Another tricky boi

I marked him down as fearing the Desolation, as a reflection of what he fears most in himself

I probably could have also gone with Slaughter, but I’d say that’s more baby/early-Satan

Desolation is also about destruction of potential, and Satan has very carefully built himself into a non-rage-monster person

So tearing that all away from him is :)))

But what would Satan give himself over to?

Ceaseless Watcher, I want that twink OBLITERATED—

Satan clings to knowledge and erudition to distance himself from the rage he was born as

“Watch and learn” is literally how he became a person

I find it deeply funny that it could also easily be how he becomes a monster once again

Also if you think the avatar of Wrath wouldn’t have a use for supernatural blackmail you’re just straight up incorrect

Couple that with Satan’s various connections and he’d be a Force to Reckon With

Asmodeus

I put him as a victim of the Corruption bc I found it extremely fitting considering the duality of his romanticized image vs the “dirty” fluid-filled nature of Lust.

Lust can be really nasty, but as licentious as Asmo’s supposed to be, he’s surprisingly coy

(now part of that comes from the fact that Obey Me isn’t strictly 18+/full-on porn, but still)

There’s a lot of Interesting Ideas to unpack there with attitudes towards sex vs sensuality and idealisation vs reality

Now as for an avatar… I debated this for a very long time, tossing around Eye, Stranger, Spiral, even Web for like one second

But I think I’ve got it

Slaughter!

Specifically the musical/random outbursts of violence side (not so much the war side)

Why? Well for one, Biblical Asmodeus is said to “"transport men into fits of madness and desire [...] with the result that they commit sin, and fall into murderous deeds (Testament of Solomon, verse 23).”

But also, Obey Me Asmo’s affair with that portrait chick from the earlier lessons started a whole ass war

Like it or not, the boy is very good at instilling manic violence in people

They don’t call it bloodlust for nothing

Beelzebub

I paired Beel with an End avatar MC bc the boy fears losing his loved ones like he lost Lilith

You could argue that Desolation would fit there too but I liked how it fit Satan better

Now as for a Vibe…

I’m tied between Flesh and Corruption tbh

Though corruption is mostly bc buge :)

So I’ll talk about the Flesh

So uh, mass consumerism, meat is meat, cannibalism… see where I’m going?

Ignoring the Hans because that was super racist, the two Flesh avatars I remember best are Jared Hopworth and The Guy Who Stuck His Arm in a Spooky Meat Grinder To Feed His Buds

I think of Jared in relation to Beel not because of the gym thing, but because his very chill/apathetic attitude towards his patron is similar to how I’d picture Beel’s approach to all this

Like “well, guess I’m here now”

I love Beel as much as everyone else, but he’s not exactly apologetic about his… habits

Not to the degree that he’d actually try and change them anyway

So if he got started on the path to Flesh avatarhood, he’d be pretty fucked

Belphegor

I put Web for him as a fear almost entirely because of the concept of Uno Reverse Card, ngl

It does technically tie into his whole thing about being trapped in the attic, since he’d denied all agency and freedom in there, but… Uno Reverse

Dark!Belphie is an interesting concept, and MAG86 “Tucked In” is iconic, but tbh I don’t really… Get the Dark

Don’t get me wrong, put me in a dark place and I will be scared, I don’t like not seeing things, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around why one would become an avatar of the Dark

It’s not a very “primary” fear imo? Like, I’m scared of the dark bc I can’t see what’s there, ie. a threat could be there and I wouldn’t know, but intellectually I know it’s just the absence of light. That’s not really spooky on its own.

I guess what I’m saying is I can attribute spookier things related to the Dark better to other Entities, so I’m not sure what its draw is specifically

According to the Entity Sexiness Survey I did a while back, there’s apparently some Catholic stuff going on with the Dark so maybe that’s why i don’t get it lmao

Anyway I’d put Belphie down for Spiral

“What lies behind a smile” indeed cowboy

Apparently it’s getting choked

Is it because MC’s entire relationship with him is originally founded on a lie?

Is it because the Spiral deals with distortions in your perception, gaslighting gatekeeping girlbossing, as well as foggy liminal mental spaces like between sleep and consciousness, death and life?

Is it because I think Belphie would absolutely delight in driving someone bananas by fucking with their dreams until it bleeds into their waking life?

Is it because being a person or consistent being at all is too much effort, consistent internal geography is hard, fuck it, just be an endless twisting series of hallways?

Yes :)

[tanzaniiite]

Hello! Can I request headcanons for the Tik tok trend, Where you and your s/o are holding hands and you move your hand away? If you get what I mean. For Kuroo, Oikawa, Akaashi and Suga? Pretty Please with a cherry on top!

“HOLDING HANDS BUT YOU MOVE AWAY” TREND

w/ kuroo, oikawa, akaashi & sugawara

requests: OPEN

warnings: none!

this was so fun to write! thanks for the request! 🥰 sorry for the hiatus, i just needed a break from all social media for a bit

i peg kuroo as being a pretty chill guy so i don’t see him getting so bent out of shape if you move your hand away from his

but,, this particular day he was feeling needy™️

y’all were driving to the mall cause he needed new sneakers and you wanted to get some new clothes

everything was chill, he was driving with one hand and holding yours with the other

you wanted to get something from your bag but this dude wouldn’t let your hand go

you look at him and he has that shit eating grin on his face eyes still on the road ofc

tbh you couldn’t tell if he was being affectionate or a lil shit

then you remember that there was this trend that was very similar to this situation, so you whip out your phone and start recording

you try to pull your hand away but this dude just tightens his grip

“ow! dude, that hurts”

“you shouldn’t be trying to leave me princess”

you are flabbergasted to say the least

you try again and he lets you get away but he’s frowning a bit

laughing at his face you go to reach for his hand again but he balls his hand INTO A FIST

he’s just as petty as you are, it’s ridiculous

“um excuse me sir? what the fuck?”

kuroo glances at you before turning back to the road

“you didn’t want to love me then, why do you want to love me now?”

he has rendered you… speechless

“…LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT”

“UH YES IT DOES”

screaming match in the car, just couple things 😌💕🥰💫🥺😍✨

*sighs* he’s dramatic about it as always

he’s walking you to class after lunch, with his hands intertwined with yours

oikawa is ranting about how mean iwaizumi is to him and how mattsun & makki don’t respect him

you’re like half listening bc it’s the same thing everyday

same story, different day

he can tell your not listening 100% and it makes him a bit pouty

but then he remembers a trend he saw the other day

imma have to uno reverse this again, sorry

oikawa just strikes me as the type to always be on tik tok and know every trend that’s on the app

and you being his girlfriend have to be apart of his antics

so he continues talking but he pulls his hand away from your yours

you look confused for a second bc y’all aren’t even close to your classroom yet

as he continues to talk you’re still not listening, you reach for his hand–

but he moves it to run his fingers through his hair

this continues for a while and now you’re getting annoyed

“hey, are you mad at me or something?”

“of course not, why?”

this asshole

in his head, he‘s literally having the time of his life. you wanting his affections?? and it’s not the other way around??? mwah 👌🏽

“then let me hold your hand”

oikawa smirks, “only if you beg~”

…

when i say you walk away soo fast pfttt 🏃🏽‍♀️💨

“w-wait baby i was joking! come back!”

ah. the love of my life

like i’ve stated before, akaashi isn’t really up to date with his generation

he’s an old soul, leave him alone 😤

anywhooo y’all were at his house watching a movie

you initially wanted to cuddle but his family was home and he wasn’t comfortable so you guys settled for the next best thing: holding hands

for some reason, keiji was engrossed with the movie so he wasn’t really paying attention to you

which makes sense but that’s not the point

so you’re on your phone scrolling through tik tok bc the movie doesn’t interest you. and well would you look at that, a couple trend :D

you decide to do said trend, pressing record and pulling your hand away from akaashi

he doesn’t look at you but his hand reaches for yours again

you wait for like 5 secs before pulling away again. now keiji’s eyebrows are furrowed and he glances you before grabbing your hand once again

it’s so hard to not laugh bc his hand is gripping yours a bit tighter than normal. also you can tell he’s genuinely confused bc of the pout on his lips

you pull again one final time and he turns to face you directly

he’s full on pouting now, “love, what’s wrong?”

he’s perfect,, perfect i tell you

“nothing” you chirp, smiling a bit

the gears are spinning, he’s so confused

“… then why do you keep pulling away? are my hands sweaty?”

at this point you can’t hold in your laughter

keiji is just staring at you while you laugh at his confusion

“babe, it’s a trend. i thought bokuto made you download tik tok, don’t you use it?”

akaashi is still albeit confused but he holds your hand before answering you

“no, it’s a waste of time. please let me hold your hand now”

ahhh my first time writing for suga, i hope i do him justice 😔👊🏽

alright so basically you two are on a date uwu

you guys went to a café and now your just talking a walk around the area. suga is holding your hand, swinging them back and forth slightly

ugh he’s such a babe

n e ways as much as you love suga’s affections, it wouldn’t be out of character for you to mess w/ him bc you love to do so

but you have to be sneaky with it, you can’t just whip out your phone bc and start recording

no, you have to ease into it

so you take out your phone and suga’s attention is already on you. you open the camera and smile at him

“baby, can we take a picture?”

suga smiles back at you, “of course!”

and so, you take a few pictures. as you pretend to look at the pics, suga goes back to looking at his surroundings

now you press record, and pull your hand away

suga looks at you to see if anything is wrong, but doesn’t say anything

after a few seconds he reaches for you again and you pull away again, trying not to laugh

koshi is just as confused as akaashi but a tad bit annoyed

“are you okay?”

“mhm, why?”

he says nothing and just puts his hands in his jacket pockets awkwardly. aw he’s pouting a bit, he just wants to love you

but he doesn’t attempt to grab you hand again

you end the recording and hold on to his arm, “baby what’s wrong?”

“nothing”

“koshi~”

suga blushes a bit, he can’t help it. he likes the way you say his name and he wears his heart on his sleeve 🥺

“i.. *sigh* can i hold your hand without you pulling away?”

you grin, “of course you can, it was just a trend babe”

koshi just blinks at you, looking offended asf

“y/n, that’s so rude”

tanzaniiite © 2020 — all rights reserved. do not repost, modify, or copy. do not plagiarize. thank you.

[gamerwoo]

Wonwoo: Hearing Lips

Characters: Wonwoo x female reader

Genre/warnings: non idol au, angst, a little fluff, a little crack, terminal illness/cancer, implied major character death. basically this starts out a lil happy but just gets worse and worse as it goes on

Word count: 3,053

Summary: Sometimes relationships get hard. Sometimes someone cheats. Sometimes someone doesn’t feel the same anymore. And sometimes, someone gets sick and things take a turn for the worst. But in the last instance, no matter how hard things get, you stick beside them until the end. Because you love them.

a/n: i wanna make a second part at some point bc i have an idea for it but i have a lot of shit to do so we’ll see

Wonwoo took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. He looked down at the clippers that one of his friends, Minghao held in his hand.

“This sucks,” was what he decided to say.

You pursed your lips and nodded slowly. It was at that stage where your husband’s hair was starting to fall out, but he decided he didn’t want to go through all that. Wonwoo asked if you would care if he just shaved his head to avoid the hair loss. You asked him why you’d care.

“What if I’m ugly?” was his response, which made both of you chuckle.

“You’re always going to be the most handsome man on the planet to me,” you replied.

So he called on his friend, Minghao to do the cutting for him. A handful of his other friends showed up, promising to shave their own heads along with Wonwoo just so he wouldn’t feel so alone.

“Why can’t I do it?” Mingyu whined. “We’ve been friends longer!”

“Because you’d probably shave his ear off,” Joshua scoffed.

As the group began to tease Mingyu, Minnghao turned to you, offering the clippers to you, “Are you sure you don’t want to do it, _____?”

You looked down at the clippers, considering it. But ultimately, you shook your head, “What if I shave his ear off?”

“The only thing I want to lose today is my hair, thanks,” Wonwoo nodded.

“Alright,” Minghao turned the clippers on, but Wonwoo didn’t react to the noise. The sound of the clippers didn’t scare him like he thought they might. Just because he had to shave his head, that didn’t mean it was the end. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged before he sat in the chair placed in front of Minghao.

While Minghao shaved Wonwoo hair, the strands falling in clumps on the floor around him, the rest of you watched and told various stories of times you’d hung out together just to lighten the mood and make each other laugh. Like the time Soonyoung stuck bubblegum in Jeonghan’s hair to see if peanut butter would actually get it out. Or when they managed to convince Seokmin that girls don’t have to shave, their hair just falls off when it gets too long. 

The rest of the boys took turns sitting down in front of Minghao before Josh did the younger boy’s hair. 

Admittedly, Wonwoo pulled the bald look off.

Seungcheol absolutely did not.

-

“Where are you going?”

You had heard the bedroom door closed and turned your head away from the TV in time to see Wonwoo walk down the hall. You’d brought him home from his chemotherapy appointment and knew he was supposed to be resting afterwards, so you were concerned as to why he was going down the hall.

“Office,” he replied.

You got up from the couch and went to follow him, “Why?”

“Bills.”

Wonwoo was always a stickler for paying the bills on time, but you weren’t sure why he didn’t just let you do it or simply ask you to do it for him.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” you told him.

“I’ll be sitting in a chair, it’s fine,” he said before entering the office and shutting the door behind him.

With a sigh, you retreated back to the living room, deciding to text one of your friends to see what to do. Wonwoo had been getting a bit touchy lately, and you didn’t want to tell him what to do and make him mad. So your best option was to get advice because you didn’t want Wonwoo to pass out in the office or something.

To Hansol: wonwoo wont lay down

From Hansol: ???? whats he doing?

To Hansol: paying the bills in the office

From Hansol: ah

From Hansol: maybe he wants to make himself useful??

To Hansol: wdym

From Hansol: all he’s supposed to be doing now is basically nothing

From Hansol: things arent looking good rn

From Hansol: he probably want to do things for you and himself while he still can

You stared at your phone, feeling a pang in your chest reading the texts. You let out a sigh and set your phone down, letting Wonwoo stay in the office to do the bills.

-

it was the first time all of the guys had come over since putting Wonwoo’s bed in the living room. It was the only place with enough space since it was a hospital bed, and Wonwoo would at least always have the TV since the only thing he could do at this point was lay in bed.

“Wish I could sleep in my living room,” Soonyoung said.

“Yeah, I bet your girlfriend wishes that, too,” Jeonghan nodded.

Once a month, they’d all have a game night where the thirteen of them would gather at someone’s house to play something, whether it be Uno, poker, Cards Against Humanity, or whatever else they could come up with for that many players. But until your husband got better, it would have to be at your house all the time.

You gave them their space despite insisting they could include you in the game. You decided to just go to the office and use Wonwoo’s PC to play some games and watch a little YouTube. 

In the living room, the boys were playing Uno together while talking and laughing together. A few of them were drinking beer as well, but most of them stuck to soft drinks instead.

“How’re you doing lately, Woo?” Jeonghan asked after taking a sip of his drink.

Wonwoo shrugged with a sigh, “Fine, I guess. I can only use this blanket because the others feel bad on my skin. I’m bored. I’ve watched like, every YouTube video ever at this point.”

“How do you feel, though?” Chan wondered.

“Tired.”

Junhui laid down a card before looking over at Wonwoo, “How’s _____ been?”

“She’s an absolute angel,” he chuckled. “She takes care of me and everything. She’s the strongest person I know.”

“If you ever need one of us to stay here for a couple days to help out, you know you can ask,” Jihoon stated with a handful of them nodding or giving various sounds of agreement.

“Neither of us wants to bother anyone.”

“It’s not a bother,” Seungcheol said, looking Wonwoo in the eyes. “Neither of you will ever be a bother.”

Jeonghan nodded, “We know things are going to get tough and we’re here for you guys. Just say the word.”

“Yeah...” Wonwoo shrugged with a deep sigh as he put down a card when it was his turn, “there are days worse than others. But lately, it’s been okay, I guess. At least, that’s what she leads me to believe.”

“Yeah, _____’s never been one to break down in front of people,” Seungkwan mumbled.

“I hope she’s doing okay, though,” Wonwoo frowned. “I feel so bad for her...”

You truly were the strongest person Wonwoo knew for doing just about everything for not only him, but for yourself and everything around the house. And you did it all without ever showing if you were feeling negatively -- at least, not around him. Wonwoo thought you were absolutely amazing, but inside, he felt guilty for doing this to you.

But like you’d never tell Wonwoo when you felt overwhelmed, he’d never tell you how he felt, either.

-

It was one of those days. One of those bad days. You felt like the world was crumbling right in front of you but there was nothing you could do about it. You were sad, scared, stressed out, and you didn’t know what to do next or who to go to. You always just kept things bottled inside even though your friends and family told you it was better to talk to people about things. But you didn’t want to seem like you were complaining about Wonwoo. It wasn’t your husband that was the problem, it was the situation.

You had taken Wonwoo’s empty dinner plate from the living room to the kitchen, setting it in the sink. You dropped your head, hands gripping the edge of the counter as you squeezed your eyes shut to keep the tears threatening to escape from spilling. 

Something one of the nurses had said to you during one of Wonwoo’s hospital visits was to be careful of what you say, even quietly, around him.

“People with cancer and the like tend to just hear really well,” she explained. “Especially when they can’t open their eyes anymore. Their hearing is scarily good. Don’t say anything bad around him because he will hear it.”

You learned to only let out your emotions when you were alone in your bedroom, but you couldn’t make it through the living room to get there. So you just stood in the kitchen, trying to compose yourself to go back out into the living room to sit with your husband.

“This is too hard,” you just barely whispered to yourself.

“I know,” you heard Wonwoo say softly from the living room, “I’m sorry, love.”

You lifted your head, your heart breaking hearing him apologize. You didn’t even think about how he heard you, rushing into the other room to promise that you weren’t talking about him. As you walked up to his bed, he looked up at you with a sad half-smile.

“I know I’m making things tough,” he continued quietly. “I’m really sorry you have to deal with it.”

“No, baby, no,” you quickly shushed him, cupping his face in your hands. “It’s not you, it’s the situation. You’re not difficult or making things difficult. None of this is your fault.”

Wonwoo didn’t really like things touching his skin because it had become so sensitive and felt weird when most things touched it, but he leaned into your touch and put his hands over yours. He noticed the tears welling up in your eyes and reached one hand up to brush his thumb under one of your eyes.

“It’s okay if you need to cry, you know,” he told you. “You keep everything to yourself and that’s not healthy.”

You shook your head, whispering so your voice wouldn’t break, “I have to be strong for you. I don’t want to cry and scare you that things are getting bad.”

He chuckled sadly, “_____, I know things are bad. You’re stressed. You can cry, it’s okay.”

Hearing him say that broke you for some reason. You collapsed in the chair you kept beside his bed and just cried while he held your hand. That was the first time you cried in front of Wonwoo in a long time.

While you cried, you heard him softly tell you, “You’re still the strongest person I know.”

-

Despite not wanting to go, Wonwoo had to be admitted to the hospital. You weren’t sure for how long, but he was complaining about feeling sick and neither of you were sure if it was cancer-related or not. But the doctors decided it was best to keep an eye on him for a couple days until he was feeling better.

Unfortunately, he was getting to a point where his eyes didn’t open as often. Even if he was awake, sometimes he just looked like he was sleeping. You were told that would happen eventually, and whenever Wonwoo looked at you, you looked back at him and tried to memorize the shade of brown as if it would be the last time you’d ever see his eyes.

Jeonghan came to visit you at the hospital after finding out you were there for an entire day without anybody besides Wonwoo. So he rushed there after work and sat with you in Wonwoo’s hospital room, both of you trying to keep your voices down since Wonwoo seemed to be sleeping. You knew if Wonwoo knew that one of his friends were there, he would’ve been talking to them.

Jeonghan reached out with his foot, nudging your shin with the tip of his sneaker to get your attention. You looked over at him. He mouthed something to you, but you weren’t sure what it was.

You cocked your head to one side, mouthing, “What?”

He leaned forward, so you did, too. He tried to whisper his question as quitely as he could, but you still heard absolutely nothing, and you were having trouble reading his lips.

“What?” you mouthed again.

“He asked if you paid the bills on time,” Wonwoo murmured, still looking like he was asleep, “but it’s okay if you didn’t.”

The only part of Wonwoo that moved was his mouth. Even once he was done talking, he looked like he had been sleeping the entire time. You wondered if you almost inaudible conversation was heard loud and clear to him.

“O-oh,” you said. “Um, my mom reminded me, yeah.”

“Did you...have enough?” Jeonghan wondered.

“Please don’t offer us money again,” you frowned.

“You know I have more than enough for myself. And you’re always staying home to take care of Wonwoo. I just want to make sure you’re both okay fanatically.”

It was true that Jeonghan made pretty good money. And considering his last relationship didn’t work out, he only had to support himself. For what he got paid, he definitely had some to spare. Still, neither you nor Wonwoo wanted to take ‘free money’ from your friends.

You opened your mouth to reply, but a nurse had walked in and asked to speak with you. You sent a playful glare toward Jeonghan before you got up and left the room.

Jeonghan was unaware that Wonwoo’s hearing had gotten so strong, and the fact he heard the question surprised him. So he wanted to test it to see how good it was, mouthing something else.

“No, Jeonghan, you can’t steal my wife,” Wonwoo sighed with the hints of a smirk on his face. “At least not until I’m dead.”

Jeonghan ignored the dark addon at the end, letting out a chuckle, “That’s kind of spooky, dude.”

“I hear everything now,” he said.

The older boy sat back in his seat, staring over at his friend who still had his eyes closed -- despite that, he still had his glasses on for whatever reason, “Have you actually...talked with _____ about that, though?”

“About you stealing her?”

“No. Have you told her if you’d want her to move on if you actually do...y’know?”

“Yeah. When I was first bedridden, I figured I should mention it. I told her to just find someone who makes her happy, even if it was one of you. I just said she can’t marry Soonyoung because he’s a fucking idiot.”

Jeonghan let out a laugh, leaning forward in his chair, “Yeah, I don’t think any of us would let that happen. Even Soonyoung knows he wouldn’t be good enough for her.”

“I’m glad she’ll at least have you guys if anything happens,” Wonwoo hummed. “You’ll watch out for her. You’ll make sure she doesn’t get into any shady relationships or do anything reckless.”

“Why do you always assume we need to be there?”

“Because I need to be prepared.”

Jeonghan sat back in his seat again, not knowing what to say. He just stared at his friend, hoping that he was preparing for nothing.

-

You had a bad feeling this was coming, but you were hoping it was just your anxiety telling you that. But when the doctor told you that you had to have the papers signed, you knew that there wasn’t any going back now.

Wonwoo was going to die.

Just in case, he had already gone to have the papers drawn up for if he’d want to be revived or not if anything should happen. But he had forgotten to get them from your attorney so they had to be retrieved and signed. But you were specifically told you couldn’t just instruct your husband to sign them. You had to sit there and explain what everything was, and then he could sign them. You just weren’t sure if you could do that.

Seungcheol was the one who went into Wonwoo’s hospital room with you with the papers. You sat down by Wonwoo’s bed while Seungcheol sat in a chair across the room and watched, just there for emotional support if you needed it.

“What’re those?” Wonwoo asked.

“I need to go over these with you,” you told him.

You sat by his bed with his table pulled out as you read the papers and explained what they meant. You already knew the decisions Wonwoo had made, but reading them and saying them out loud was hard, especially knowing that this was how things would end. He said he didn’t want to be revived because he knew how hard it would be on you. He wanted to make things quicker and easier.

“So if you’re to...start...going...you don’t want--”

You couldn’t even finish the sentence before you choked on your tears, coughing to clear your throat.

And that’s when Wonwoo knew. This was it.

“Why’re you crying?” he asked quietly. He knew this was coming. He knew you knew this was coming. But he knew you wanted to believe it wouldn’t. 

You sniffed while you tried to control your breathing so you wouldn’t break down sobbing. But it didn’t work, tears already falling down your cheeks as you whimpered, “I don’t want you to die.”

“I know,” he murmured. “I don’t want to leave you.”

Seungcheol got up and stood beside you, rubbing your back to comfort you despite tears of his own escaping from his eyes. He couldn’t even say anything to help you feel better because he knew nothing would work. So he helped you go over the papers with Wonwoo while all three of you tried to choke back tears.

-

It was getting close. You knew it was. You just had a feeling that stuck with you all day, so you never left Wonwoo’s side. You held his hand and sat beside him for hours, trying to keep your crying as silent as you could while you mouthed ‘I love you’ as many times as you could because you were too afraid of your voice breaking if you spoke.

But you knew Wonwoo heard every word.

[beecherdrysdale]

Hi my bbs! I’m so in love with this Greece idea. I literally watched mamma Mia yesterday- that is my fantasy. Like the music, the small island, the romance. I love it.

Haha I guess we both have parents who like to be at the airport three hours early lol.

Hehe yes, everybody is just barely awake and just holding onto each other. Security is annoying,- fun story. Every single time that I go through security the machine always beeps and they make me go through that machine and then they always pat me down in the weirdest places like one time they were like we need to pay down your shoulder. What can I possibly have in my shoulder area? I don’t get it. Ryan would probably chirp me when I get beeped but then he gets beeped as well and needs to be patted down lol . It depends on which country you are at, like some securities require you to take off shoes, some don’t.

When i go on trips w my family we check in our bags but since we’d be going solo, I usually have a big carry on and a big backpack lol. I tend to overpack wbu? I need my extra outfits. So after that, we all find the gate and everyone goes their own way. Like you cuddled up w Jamie and being adorable. Kesh is sleeping on Kirby and I’m getting coffee. Hehe yes getting all our passports and getting checked in would be so chaotic . You and Jamie are lucky that Ryan and I are barley functioning yet so the chirps haven’t started. There would be soooo many snacks. Awww Quinner let’s me keep his beanie. Thank you. Also what do you travel in at airports, do you dress fancy or casual?

Hehe Jamie paying Cozzy $50 to switch seats with him 😂 “Dylan come on” “no Jamie I’m comfortable” “I’ll give you 50 if you switch with me” “fine” lol.

Planes usually have TVs on the seats so we will all be watching movies and Dylan and Jamie can cuddle up to you. Awwww. Kesh and Kirby are just in their own bubble #couplegoals. Nobody is bothering them.

Yes brigid, me, quinner and Ryan will be sitting behind you on the flight. Ly. Quinner is immune to coffee so he passes out real quick and since I love his hair I get to play w it :). The rest off the boys have just passed out.

After take off and we have already settled in for a few hours. I’ve realized that the flight from Can to Greece is about 10-11 hours so we are in for a long flight lol.

Okkk so it’s pretty quiet for the first 2 hours and now some of the boys have woken up.

Brigid + dyl+Jamie: at the start both of them are awake and are excited to sit with you for 10 hours. They hold your hand during take off. You start off with watching a movie but in hour and a half in dyl falls asleep, and you see him in an uncomfortable position so you rest his head on your shoulder or lap and play w his hair. Jamie is still awake but is slowly falling asleep but he wants to spend some time with you, but that doesn’t happen for a long time and he passes out as well and you also move him into a comfy position. After a bit, you all wake up for food and are just cuddly together :)) ooo another thought. Jamie trying to braid your hair to keep himself occupied 🥺

Kirby +kesh: since kesh slept in the airport and a bit on the flight she is making sure that Kirby sleeps a bit. So he’s just leaning on her, and she’s watching a movie or something. Just totally chill and taking care of each other. We love to see that.

Then me quinner and Ryan. Since Quinner falls asleep real quick which I don’t mind since he’s cute and I’ve to play w his hair. Ryan and I are just playing a card game lol. We a bit chaotic because we don’t like to lose, but we become quieter once we realize that the boys around us have fallen asleep. Ryan and I unfortunately will be chirping you quietly Brigid. It’s good entertainment. Since Quinner is still asleep, Ryan and I just listen to music together but also get up a lot so we will be annoying each other hehe.

Do you like airplane food? I don’t mind it, but it’s not the best thing ever so hence the mountain of snacks that quinton and Braden have bought. I’m constantly stealing snacks from them since quinton braden and let’s say Dylan or Peyton are in the row behind mine lol.

Hope you enjoy so far. I’ll be doing a pt 3 for when we touch down.

Xo Lexi💗

yes i am so so in love with this idea, like with the small island and the romance. but anywaysss here’s another long post

haha yep everyone’s barely awake and we’re all holding on to each other bc we don’t want to lose anyone lmao. but somehow ryan gets lost and we don’t realize til we’re about to go through security so we have to facetime him to help him come fine where we are. and then once he gets there we can go through security and you get beeped so ryan is chirping you sm, but then he gets beeped too so we both make fun of him for it lmao

i usually barely pack anything, but it depends how long the trip is going to be. but i usually just bring a couple pairs of shorts and a couple tshirts and hoodies and then mix and match them throughout the vacation. plus i’ll be stealing jamie’s and dyl’s clothes the whole vacation so i don’t really need much lmao. anywaysss so then we find our gate and everyone sets their stuff down. and then “quinner how do you have more shit than me? i literally have half my closet” bc you didn’t realize how much stuff he has til he sets it down lmao. and then everyone goes off their own ways, me and jamie and kesh and kirby to sleep, and then you and the guys to get coffee and food. and then everyone gets back with soooo much food and you’re wearing quinner’s beanie and we’re scrambling to get the passports we need so they’ll let us on the plane. haha yes thank God you and ryan aren’t awake enough to be chirping me and jamie yet. personally, i wear super comfy clothes to the airport like a hoodie and sweats (but let’s be real that’s my everyday outfit) wbu?

lmao so then we’re on the plane and me and dyl already sat down and so did dylan c. and then jamie’s just begging him to switch and finally he does by bribing him. so then ofc you and ryan see it bc you’re sitting right behind us so you just start chirping jamie sm lol. honestly i find it so funny that you and ryan are always chirping me bc with my friends i’m always the one chirping them and they never chirp me back lol. anywaysssss yes we’re all just watching movies or sleeping, i’m in a row with dyl and jamie with you, quinner, and ryan behind me. and then kesh and kirby are together and we’re just leaving them alone for once bc they’re the parents of the friend group so they deserve some rest lmao. and then most of the guys fall asleep real fast and the rest are watching movies bc we know it’s gonna be a longgggggggg flight

me+dyl+jamie - so we start off watching a movie, idk what but def some kind of action movie, but since dyl didn’t sleep in the airport he falls asleep pretty quick so then i have to move him to a comfy position to start playing with his hair. and then jamie and i are just chilling together and watching the movie, but he’s starting to fall asleep again and i can tell he’s just trying to stay awake so i tell him that it’s ok and that he can sleep if he wants to. so then i have to move him into a comfy position too, so i have two very large hockey players sleeping on me and i can’t move lmao. hehe and then they finally wake up for food (ofc it’s for the food) a couple hours later but they’re still tired and being all cuddly 🥺 but then they make me rewatch the entire movie bc they didn’t get to see most of it lol. and we’d definitely end up playing uno or poker bc i’m amazing at both of those, like my family refuses to play with me, so i would make them play me. and also jamie braiding my hair bc i taught him 🥰

kesh+kirby - so basically they’re the adorable couple everyone wants to be. like kesh making sure kirby sleeps, and then kirby doing the same later in the flight. and just playing with each others hair 🥺 and they’re watching movies together. i really don’t have much to add on to this one besides that they’re a top tier couple

lexi+quinner(+ryan) - so yeah apparently quinner’s immune to coffee bc somehow even after 3 of them he passes out real quick on the plane. so then lexi gets to play with his hair bc she’s wearing his beanie so his hair’s not covered lol. haha you and ryan getting super competitive and getting super loud playing card games and then i have to yell at you to shut up bc everyone’s sleeping. so then you guys get annoyed and start chirping me instead while i’m just trying to watch my movie lmao. and then you guys start walking all over the plane and annoying everyone lol. i would also be joining you guys once dyl and jamie wake up bc i can’t still more than like an hour lmao

i mean i’m fine with airplane food (again we usually fly first class bc of my dad’s points from work so i think it might be better food?) except the snacks like trail mix and stuff they give you on the plane are amazing. but anyways besides that airport snacks are better. so then you keep stealing snacks from peyton and braden and quinton behind you so then i commision you to steal snacks for me too, and then eventually you get annoyed and tell me to get them myself so then i get the guys to throw them over the seats to me and then kesh has to tell us to stop so the other people on the plane don’t get annoyed lmao 

ok yes i loved this sm 💖 so excited for part 3!

[youghvaudough]

Rewatched Hannibal Recently...

... here are some random thoughts brain chips on the third season

watch out for a text wall it's a doozy down under

this rewatching I finally realized the first half of this season Hannibal was basically like “I’m touring Europe with Bedelia one last time before I check myself into jail so I can see my bf often”

Will must’ve been real good at arts and crafts. He made a whole ass butterfly?bee?dragonfly?firefly man display out of shattered wine bottles and garbage from a basement basically

Also how did he not cut his hands with the glass???? He had leather gloves sure but it’s not like those are cut resistant?????? Does he have cut-resistant leather gloves???????

In Hannibal Rising Chiyoh is Hanni’s aunt’s lady-in-waiting (?) and was described as being about his age; if we’re going by that, she’s the same age as him in the show, which, ughhhhhh, let’s just say really really plays into the idea of us Asians not raisining (not mad at all; Tao Okamoto is so beautiful im gay as HELL —)

Bedelia: you’re in love with Will Graham and also leave me alone plz can I stop finishing murders on your behalf now

Hannibal was remarkably off his killing game at the end of the second season (or just really on his planning game) like NO ONE except for poor Abigail is dead by the 3rd season

Thinking about the filming of some scenes is so funny like: 

the crew carrying leather arm chairs and fancy glass side tables into the middle of some woods for a single shot

Bryan Fuller being like “ughhhh can I get a membrane-like sheet over this macro lens so I can film it bring sliced open like its will’s stomach skin” 

“also I need three thousand gallons of fake blood for some cool reverse drip shots”

everyone: Will help us catch Hannibal you must hate him so much right???? Will: busy imagining alternate reality where he and Hannibal actually worked it out at the end of the 2nd season

Will: tries his damndest to ignore everyone telling him he and Hannibal are in love while being very much smitten

Mason: talks religious mumbo jumbo  Alana after her bi awakening: *choke stare

the only saving grace for Jack Crawford is how much he’s the “I love my wife” trope

Frederic: ...why does no one wanna help me with Hannibal hunting when I go a-knocking but when Will does it everyone’s with him????????? What’d I do

No one:     Bryan Fuller: I NEED SOME SNAIL FUCKING SHOTS HERE

Bedelia: i feel like I’m your diet Will Graham Hannibal: what? no *continues to talk about how special Will Graham is and how no one will be his equal basically

WOAH question on Chiyoh so did Hannibal ~literally~ taxidermy her in time with some cannibal magic & that’s why she looks about, I don’t know, in her twenties still ?????? /s

Bryan Fuller: NOW I NEED TO OPEN AN OLD PAYPHONE FOR AN INTERIOR SHOT

Chiyoh: he’s good looking but dumb about Hannibal so 

I’ll kiss him

then push him off the train

(hopefully dude’ll be warned but also finally learn how to gay)

Bryan Fuller: ARE YOU MISSING SOME SLOW MOTION SHOTS OF HUGH DANCY FLIPPING OF THE TRAIN IN YOUR LIFE? ALWAYS

how did Mason and Pazzi achieve high resolution uninterrupted overseas video chat with the front camera of Apple laptops????? the power of wealth????? whenever I call my mom my phone turns into a potato pretty much

the jack v hannibal fight was the ultimate “I luh my dead wife” man v “I just need to stay alive and go meet my boyfriend” man fight

Bedelia: I know what your goodbye is; I know what you wanna do to Will and you’re in love with the dude. No thanks I’ll yeet myself outta here

“waving your uterus around like a weapon” how iconic

Dolce will forever go down in cinematic history there I said it. Nothing tops the mirroring scars, the downright sensual romantic dialogue in front of a fucking Botticelli, this 水乳交融 of two minds (can’t find a good enough translation other than maybe “melding”), one of the weirdest most kaleidoscope-forward lesbian sex scene of all times, a lot of overlapping orgasm faces, reflexive hugs and pats of comfort, weirdly timed lip-lickings, etc etc

At least Mason recognizes how good looking Will’s is lmao even with all the burnt penis talk on the table

“He’s looking very dry a little moisturizer please” Mason your gay is showing

“It’s dangerous getting exactly what you want” yeah we got this season of Hannibal and then no more of it I’d say you’re right on the money Dr. Lecter

Alana and Margot helping Hannibal and Will: LGBT solidarity at its finest

dumbest thing mason did was probably pissing off Margot

So basically Chiyoh is made of a stable metal element between iron and silver that’s why she doesn’t age?????? /s

maybe “I found you in my mind palace” can be our “always”

I remember the first time I watched Digestivo and I was so worried Hannibal’s gonna finish eating Will or take off or continue into the book silence of the lamb arc or something after Will basically went “I won’t go looking for you at all bye bitch where my dogs at” so imagine my fucking delight ecstasy when Hannibal threw himself at the FBI just so Will can always find him. I cried buckets and became a devout Bryan Fuller STAN that day

Chiyoh: fuck this shit im out; don’t wanna protect this idiot boy with luv no mo

Molly: weirdly familiar sharp features, sand-blond hair, husky sultry deeper voice hmmmmmmmmm guess WHAT

...but she actually likes doggos so 

Bryan Fuller: HUGH DANCY. COVERED IN BLOOD. NAKED. UNDER THE MOONLIGHT. NOW

Will gives Bedelia SO MUCH SHIT about using Hannibal as a means to fame that he almost forgets how possessive  protective of Hanni this makes him look

Bedelia: calm yo ass do you know how many “Will is special you’ll never be him” talks I’ve been in with Hannibal as the main lecturer?????

Bedelia: did you go visit him Will: ...yeah Bedelia: whelp fuck my leg is about good as steak any day now

An odd detail I remember about this Will/Bedelia interaction was Bryan Fuller saying in some interview (probably) that this is basically wife confronting mistress; you know who’s which

when Reba was touching the tiger that vet guy must’ve stayed in the room right??? for safety and stuff??? guy must’ve had the weirdest time just seeing Francis freak the fuck out watching Reba

also Reba deserves all the nice things in the world; Francis though an overall shitty person can recognize beauty

...wait i take it back dude said Will was ugly (ok he said “not very handsome” but) like bitch where

for a series with pretty good sfx that teeth scene in 310 was fake as f---

will and bedelia taking shots at each other verbally cracks me tf up like is this the psychology people’s version of “you suck” “uno reverse”

i have to keep reminding myself that this is a crime show that actually aired on national tv bc these dialogues mama??? downright telenovela. Bryan Fuller has a point when he described them as wife and mistress

Bedelia: I would’ve preferred to be bluebeard’s last wife Will: challenge accepted

i cannot stress this enough REBA DESERVES BETTER she seems like the nicest, most well-meaning person ever and deserves to be cherished like so

it's so strange, getting everything that you want; take Will’s slow-burn-esque realization of Hannibal’s twisted affections for example

Bryan Fuller: NOW GIVE ME A CLOSE UP OF ICE SUCKING

So  basically Hannibal’s attitude is “if I can’t be a constant fixture in his life I’ll be on his mind”

Hannibal is always a sucker for some good will ehhhh

Hannibal, in a police vehicle: get in Will we’re going cliff-diving dragon hunting; no but the actual line is just as cheesy geez hanni u smooth man-eater

The Bloom-Vergers look straight out of some gothic family catalog (if those exist)

like i will spare y’all the contrived complements of the Wrath of the Lamb bc like fucking hells mate there's no straight explanation for this finale

that’s it thanks for reading mates hannigram forever also someday some wealthy person will revive this I'm sure and we’ll rejoice then

[simptasia]

12 & 14 & 21 for the science team? either 1 question per character or all 3 questions for each of them :)

my babies!!! thank you!

also im gonna do that thing again where even tho i got sent science team, i’m gonna do science trio, because they’re who i really care about

What craft do they learn to make for a gift? Who do they give it to?

i imagine char knows how to knit and i have already imagined her knitting things for jean-luc (her cat), dan and miles. and the thought of the boyz in knitted jumpers and beanies makes my heart giggle :))))

dan can do anything he sets his mind to but i had a lot of trouble coming up with a specific thing he could do. bc i imagine he’s a decent artist and he can knit (picked it up from char) and sew. took me a bit but i got there in the end. i imagine he was gonna write a short song each for them but his anxiety kicked in and he thought “wait that’s something i’d do anyways, i need to do better than that” which is weird because writing a song for char and miles is another way he says “i love you”. but having trouble thinking of what else he could make, (mug??? shirt?? quilt??? he was flummoxed) he decides to cross stitch the compositions + lyrics. basically giving them the songs but in Way Extra way than usual

miles feels like a “buys jewelry” kinda gift giver buuuut for purposes of this prompt… like, say char was like “okay this year as a rule, we’re MAKING gifts” and miles is like “ah fuck” but he doesn’t wanna be mean (no, i mean it) so he legit takes a pottery class and Does His Best and dan and char get some really wonky painted bowls but it’s very sweet okay!

What game do they always select for game night?

char: trivial pursuit!!!! also scrabble, she’s BOSS at scrabble

dan: the game he favours is chess but three people can’t play chess so he’ll typically just go with whatever everybody else is playing. or he and char will play chess and miles plays the winner

miles: monopoly, uno or cards against humanity (because 1. oh my gosh he’d love that and 2. the concept of these three playing that is great)

What makes them feel proud?

dan: his music. praise him music and he’s like v///v. and i imagine, stress aside, he was pretty proud of himself when he graduated and for his scholarly achievements in general. also does the euphoria we see him have when eloise (the rat) time travels count as a form of pride? sure why not. you’d think dan doesn’t feel much proud of himself and you’re right. but he’s done some Things and that makes him pleased. if you remove the pressure of his scientific life, besides all THAT he did actually like being a scientist. at first. also im not sure if pride is the right word but char loves him and that makes him feel… awed? honoured? loved? it’s a good feeling basically

char: what i said up there about love. also her career. this lady is an anthropologist AND archeologist at age 33!!! (the lost writer’s forgetfullness just equals char being all the more impressive!) and she can speak lotsa languages. “how many languages do you speak” and she’d have this like, proud smirk. like “oh i’ve lost count :3c”. she can be pleasantly smug sometimes

miles: the miles you see in canon has never felt proud of himself. but this is my house, babey. so post-canon miles, feeling proud of himself (eventually, waaaay down the line) becoming a father*. but pride isn’t the big feeling there, mostly surprise and well, joy and “holy shit i did this? i’m doing this? wow”

(*i hc that miles and richard have kids together like 10 years post finale)

[chroniclesmuslim]

February 10th, 2018

**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush and friends to christian names. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way)

So nothing really has changed since i made my last update. I texted him yesterday and initiated conversation. I kinda felt weird doing it though since this whole scenario is weird in general. i'm used to him hitting me up in the mornings while he’s at work and starting a convo and tbh i think the main reason why i feel kinda iffy about messaging him first is because he had also told me in his "tbh" moment that the reason he wasnt 100% interested in the beginning was because he felt off about how i initiated us talking from the beginning. that a girl should make a guy feel lucky to have her and that he also figured that since i was the first to make the initial move, that must’ve meant i've done this in the past with other guys.

kinda funny though considering he's the first guy i've ever tried talking to. im sure he realized after the thursday meeting (if he was still unsure) that i've never done this before. highlighted by my awkwardness + shyness. i remember there was a moment where there was a silence and i looked up to him looking at me. which kinda freaked me out and made me look down, and when i looked up again he was still staring at me. and legit i looked up and down for a solid 10-15 seconds. ugh im legit sooo awkward lol why can't i talk. but on a side note i just found out that some guys find a girl being shy as "cute". i hardly think he thought my behavior was cute though lol more so annoying for the fact that we ARE friends and i didnt know how to act like one.

i know that even though when i met him on monday for the first time (since like last year), i was even more shy. I would cover my face and mouth with my hands and not look at him that much. but he was able to control the conversation and kept making jokes etc etc. that was the main difference between the first meeting and the second. i was less shy in the second meeting but i guess my awkwardness was rubbing off onto him. i dont know how it'll go this week (heck idk if we'll even still meet) but i hope that i can be more myself and show him that im not as boring and awkward as ive been making myself out to seem. and i also hope he can take control again for when i DO slip up and get quiet.

but anyways back to the whole texting thing. i messaged him and it has been kinda choppy. tbh the flow of our texts is kinda similar to the flow of how our meeting went. choppy and silent lol. i keep thinking that he probably regrets talking to me and that he doesn't really wanna have communication with me anymore. it makes me feel sad. i want to bounce back at least through our texts but im not sure how to anymore. i forgot how we used to talk and how we used to be able to talk about nothing for hours. i dont know how to do that anymore which is weird considering that its only been 2 days since i was last able to. again i guess he's being nice about it but i feel like he's partly ignoring me again. like how he used to ignore me last semester. the only thing that made me kind of optimistic was how he mentioned that if i ever do come to see his dad at their store, his dad might think i was a druggie or something since not many desis come around to that area. he was basically trying to make a joke about my presence at the store after talking to his dad about another muslim customer that walked in. so that means he at least thought of me when he was joking with his dad. and then he sent me a snap afterwards of a song on the radio. which made it feel normal again.

i guess i might be overthinking everything but i KNOW that this next meeting will probably determine how things will go. i dont want to mess it up and i've been thinking of different ways to go about it. i wanted to text him and tell him how it's just hard for me to be myself with him in person still and i need to feel a little more comfortable around him before we can develop a flow in our conversations and stuff but then i figured i might as well tell him that in person. so at least thats one conversation we can have the next time i see him. plus he's a nice guy, one of the good ones, so i feel like if i told him how i genuinely feel and acknowledge the fact that im uncomfortable then he might feel the need to make me more comfortable. i also told “Amanda” about everything and she wants to come make a "guest appearance" the next time we meet up to kinda help navigate the conversation and make me feel more at ease with her presence.

i also DONT want to meet again at the cafeteria on campus. first of all, its soooo hard for me to hear him when we're in there. i guess bc of the kitchen and of the starbucks line and everyone sitting and talking near us and the fans overhead etc etc. i realized that one of the main reasons why our conversation was so choppy was also because i had made a mental list of everything i wanted to talk to him about (in hopes of not running out of something to say) but because of my list, i kept jumping from one topic to the next without actually stopping to LISTEN to what he had to say and then ask him a follow up question. like how the heck do i forget how to listen??? such common knowledge but of course i effed up on that too lol. another reason why i dont want to meet at the cafeteria is because i dont like sitting right across from him, it feels like we are in an interview and it doesn't help me relax but makes things worse for me. plus there's nothing to really do at the cafeteria. he eats only zabihah so we cant even order food. i was thinking maybe we could go to the gameroom and play a card game like uno or something. i know he wanted to go to the gym on campus and sit on the benches for the basketball court so we had more "privacey" aka not as many people around to bump into us lol but that's also kind of scary. because then we can't have a break and talk about someone we just saw and we would also be forced to pay 100% attention to each other. i dont know if i want him to pay that much attention to me when im acting all goofy the way that i am. but i know that if we go to the gym it would make more sense if “Amanda” bumped into us since she's always there exercising to begin with.

i just hope he hasn't given up hope on me. it's so weird to think about where we were a few days ago to where we are now. we were so comfortable and honest with each other. we still are honest and stuff but we aren't talking as much. we aren't sharing things anymore. it kind of feels like we are preparing for things to not work out. but i want things to work out. I know “Bill” and “Samantha's” relationship in the beginning was similar to ours. but they had the opportunity to see each other multiple times throughout the week so they got over this phase quicker. we only have the chance to maybe see each other once a week and since its a hassle for him to begin with he might just figure it's best to give up on the whole idea. i dont want him to give up on me.

i just realized its 12:01 AM and i missed Isha namaaz. so i have to make that up. i've been praying for him in my duas. before i would pray for his MCAT score and either an acceptance to medical school or for Allah swt to show him a path that will be the most beneficial and satisfying to him and his deen. now im starting to pray again and make dua that if we are meant to be then make it easy for us. (also for us to be meant for each other lol). i guess the reason why i feel so strongly for him is bc i haven't met any guy or even heard of another guy as hard working as him, as focused as him, as god fearing as him. we match in what we want in this dunyaa. and when i think about him in my future i see someone that i can pray with and be happy with. someone that i can feel safe with. i just hope he doesn't give up on me.

just take it one day at a time.

[antiques-for-geeks]

Atari 8-bit lucky dip!

The Atari 8 bit was never a popular machine in the UK. Given its relative obscurity here (...if there's one thing I'm a sucker for it's the obscure) and the fact that it's a product of a fertile period for one of the most famous gaming brands, I've always been interested in getting one to play with.

After a bit of fishing on Ebay I managed to get a 600xl for a reasonable price; old hardware is getting pretty expensive and A8's seem more expensive than most. The 600xl is the smaller brother of the flagship 800xl, and is appealingly diminutive for an 8 bit micro. It does have one main disadvantage - it only comes with 16k of ram, so until I can upgrade it to 64k I'm left with a machine that will only be able to play simpler, earlier titles.

Scrubs up quite well!

I bought a flash cart (an UNO cart, which has worked flawlessly) and loaded it with games that should play on my 16k machine. Among the conversions of popular arcade titles of the time, there were many that I didn't recognise. Over the coming weeks I'm going to trawl through all of the games I can get to work and give them each a short review ...for better or worse...

Abracadabra

TG Software / 1983

Wander round a single screen maze blasting wizards with your magic, collecting keys and treasures. To make things more exciting, the walls move periodically, changing the layout of the maze. 

I really thought I was going to like this game. These single screen maze shooters are often a lot of fun, but sadly the movement of main character is stiff and awkward here. He seems to want to follow a narrow path even where it looks like you have a wider area to move in, leading to frustrating moments where you push a direction and nothing happens. If there's one thing an arcade style maze game needs it's precise control, so I can't recommend this one.

Alien Ambush

DANA / 1983

This is a fairly basic vertical shooter with a scrolling star background. The graphics are chunky, but a bit muddy - more like an early C64 game. One or two aliens appear on the screen - simply shoot them and avoid their wreckage. Sometimes they split into smaller enemies when hit. It’s competent enough, but there's not much to make this one stand out.

Alpha Shield

Sirius Software / 1983

This seems like a simplified Star Castle rip-off, and is a game which I remember previously playing on the Atari 2600. This version is very similar, though a touch more colourful. The original version seemed like a clunky attempt to get around the limitations of the 2600, substituting the Asteroids style point and thrust controls of the arcade for more traditional directional control. While it qualified as a decent effort for that machine it’s a bit out of place on the much better equipped 8-bit.

Anteater

Romox / 1983

Extremely similar to the arcade game Dig Dug with most of the excitement sucked out. A single anteater follows your ant through the tunnels left behind as you dig through the layers of earth. The goal here seems to be to collect ant eggs from a pile on the surface and bring them back to your nest. It might well get more exciting as the levels progress, but I found the first one so tedious I refuse to give it any more of my precious time ...especially as I know there are 2 different official conversions of Dig Dug itself coming up later!

Asteroids

Atari / 1981

F-ugly but functional take on one of my favourite games ever. Asteroids is one of the handful of early arcade games I always enjoy playing. It's an ageless classic, so a mediocre conversion like this is a real shame. It has chunky and jerky graphics, and the movement of the ship is too crude to properly capture the feel of the original. It's not the worst game ever, and has a handy 4 player mode if you're using an Atari 400/800 with enough joystick ports... but it's not a patch on the 7800 version, and even the cut down Atari 2600 is probably more playable despite it's inaccuracy.

Astro Chase

First Star Software / 1982

Can I skip the intro where astronaut walks slowly to their ship and takes off please? This has quite nicely drawn graphics for an early game. You fly through a maze of planets, scrolling in 4 directions. You can shoot some enemy spaceships... but what the hell am I supposed to be doing here? I’m not sure instructions will improve matters, because there seems to be no urgency or excitement to this game at all.

Atlantis

Imagic / 1983

A conversion of the Imagic Atari 2600 classic - like a simplified version of missile command designed to fit in with the limitations of the VCS. You have control of 3 defensive turrets protecting a city from an attacking space fleet. When I say ‘control’ what I mean is that you can choose to fire lasers from one of the turrets, but you cant change where they fire; one goes left, one right and one straight up. It’s purely an exercise in timing shots, made more difficult by the possibility of one or more of your turrets being destroyed. This is just a small graphical upgrade over the 2600 version. It's a playable game for sure, and gets quite frantic, but I never found it quite as fun and well balanced as its inspiration.

BC's Quest For Tires

Sierra On-Line / 1983

A sort of proto-typical endless runner, this has very bold cartoon graphics for early 80's game. You control a cave-guy riding ever rightwards on a single stone wheel. You start off by jumping pot holes and ducking under branches. There are some sections later where you have to time a jump over a river on some bobbing turtles backs. It's got some entertainment value, but I found it pretty repetitive stuff and I got stuck timing the river jumps. Bit of a theme forming here - games that wowed people with fancy cartoon graphics are often exposed as hollow experiences after a few decades have passed!

Beamrider

Activision / 1984

This is more like it! A solid version of a fun old-school shooter. This could be described as being like a simplified version of the arcade game Tempest, played out on a flat plane. You fly over a grid toward an infinite horizon, blasting enemies as they travel down fixed lanes toward your ship. I liked this one on the Atari 2600, and I like it here too. It's got the right mix of stylish but abstract graphics and frantic game-play to feel like it could have been an arcade effort of the time, something that many of these games clearly aspire to.

Berzerk

1983 / Atari

<Thwak!> ... boots Atari across the room ... I can't get this to work on my flash cart for some reason. I love this game, and I know from past experience that this is probably the best home version around (or at least the best that was released at the time). The game-play is spot on, and it has quite a bit of the metallic robot speech that livened up the arcade version. When I get a working copy of this it will get the full review it deserves.

Blaster

Williams / 1984

The only home version of a really obscure Williams into the screen arcade shooter, this is blocky and slow, with crazy psychedelic line drawing graphics. Apparently this was made before the arcade version, but was never officially released. It’s as basic as they come; you avoid things and shoot things. The game-play is shallow, the controls are treacly and the graphics are possibly seizure inducing .... and yet I somehow found this one quite appealing!

Boulder Dash

First Star Software / 1984

A stone cold classic dig-a-thon. You move through a scrolling level, hollowing out the earth a behind you to collect all the diamonds. Once all are collected you can exit to the next level. Making things more difficult, rocks dotted about will fall when undermined - a crush danger - and butterfly like enemies follow you through the tunnels you leave behind in the earth. The levels take on a heavy puzzle element - much more so than in Dig Dug, from which this takes some inspiration. The patterns of rocks have to be worked round with careful consideration to get all the diamonds. This seems like a great version that I'd like to spend more time with.

Bristles

First Star Software / 1983

Here is quite a likable single screen platformer where you catch lifts to visit different parts of the screen in order to paint all the walls. As expected, there are enemies to avoid who will bump you down a level on contact. There's also a 'lady' who wanders the halls leaving dirty hand prints on your new paint work. These have to be repainted to complete the level and she'll make you swear with rage before too long. When all the walls have changed colour on move to the next level with more walls to paint and more enemies to avoid. Being repeatedly bumped down the levels by errant enemies and lifts can frustrating, but once you have the hang of what the game expects of you it's fairly compelling.

Buck Rogers Planet of Zoom

SEGA / 1983

A conversion of the early SEGA into the screen shooter. This one appeared on many of the computers and consoles of the time, no matter how primitive - there's even an Atari 2600 version. The arcade game must have been very impressive at the time, using scaling sprites to convey the impression of barriers and enemies rushing toward you from the horizon. Sadly, like most of these home conversions, this version looks crude in comparison, sporting flickery graphics and jittery controls. It's also missing a 'trench run' stage present in the arcade which I'm sure could have been re-created in some form on the home hardware. It's not a terrible game, but has aged poorly and is ultimately pretty dull. I did like the colourful psychedelic flashing when a level is complete!

Captain Beeble

Inhome Software / 1983

This one didn't look much at first viewing, but turned out to be quite good fun, if frustratingly difficult at times. Fly around caverns on a jet-pack, fighting against the effects of gravity and blasting all the aliens on each scrolling level. Making things much more difficult, large crushing blocks fly across the level and deadly walls fry you on touch. I've always enjoyed games where you had to fight against gravitational effects, and it adds quite a bit to what would otherwise be a simple game. The graphics are quite plain, and this would be an easy game to overlook - give it a go.

[kooksters]

20 Questions Tag!

aaaah tysm for tagging me @scriptedreams 💕

RULES: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better.

Name: Lisa~

Nicknames: none ;-;

Gender: Female

Star Sign: Libra :3

Height: Like 165-168cm? ._.

Time right now: 18:34

Last thing I googled: “ear piercings” bc why not 

Favourite band: BTS obv.

Favourite solo artist: Jungkook (ssshh..)

Song stuck in my head: Damn - hov1 (it’s swedish)

Last movie I watched: Moana

When did you create your blog: About a year ago i think

What do you post: I’ve posted wallpapers before but now I basically just reblog stuff :3 (secretly wants to post ff’s but I can’t write)

When did your blog reach its peak: I honestly don’t know.

Do you have other blogs: nope

Do you get asks regularly: nope (would like to tho)

Why did you choose your url: Do not really know it just kind of happened

Following: 101

Posts: 1,325

Hogwarts House: Apparantly I’m Hufflepuff, I’m not really sure what I think about that since I thought i was Slytherin but well well.

Pokemon team: Valor~

Favourite colours: ^Red :3

Average hours of sleep: When I have school about 7 hours but on the weekends somewhere around 12 hours.

Lucky Numbers: 2 and 8

Fave characters: Jungkook (once again, ssshhh….)

What am I wearing now: Ripped jeans and a green sweater

How many blankets do you sleep with: uno

Dream job: Dunno

Dream trip: I’ve always wanted to go to the USAAA!

So, here is the part where i am supposed to tag people but idk how to befriend people or who to tag but, I tag:

@annjunghoseok @lizzy-daebak @jhsxrsq

AAAAAH I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO TAG PEOPLE i cant even tag my own followers bc I think the only reason they are follow me is because they pressed the follow button by accident. But i managed to grow balls enough to tag three people (progress..) and one of them is totally not my friend in real life (ssshh…)