#and that's... tragic. there's genuinely no word strong enough for how heartbreaking and evil it is

[uncanny-tranny]

Every now and then I remember I am significantly older than the legalization of gay marriage in my country and I take psychic damage every time. I am not that old, like my life has just begun.

Just... Remember our rights didn't just descend from the heavens hundred of years ago. It is still a fresh memory, a blip compared to the timeline of the world.

[soft-sunflower]

Flower of Evil Thoughts: Part 2- Episode 11

Back to a very emotionally shook Hyunsoo who's driving away from her, away from his life, away from all he's known for the past 14 years, away from his family, away from love. The only love he's ever had. Jiwon and his daughter. He has tears in his eyes as the memory of Jiwon telling him "there's no reason behind why I've fallen out love" comes. He believes he knows why Jiwon told him this and it was because she had discovered the truth of his identity. How could a strong, beautiful woman like Jiwon ever love the likes of Do Hyunsoo? He's literally fighting tears, clutching at his head as her words continue to sound in his mind.

Then he remembers her telling him she wishes they could switch bodies so that he could feel how much she loves him and you can see how genuinely confused he is. Does Jiwon love him? Does she not want him? Is she abandoning him? And once the case is through, she wants to move to the countryside with Eunha and him. All of these thoughts and memories are too much as he lets out a cry and slams on his breaks to the side of a bridge.

He looks so incredibly lost. He looks afraid, he doesn't know what to do. He's been abandoned now. He's all alone and so he rests his head on his steering wheel. No. He doesn't want to accept that. He's desperate to not accept that, and so he tries to call his wife over and over. He's pleading for her to pick up the phone, that this can't be the end for them. He genuinely does not want to lose his wife. The idea of it has driven him into an emotional burst. Jiwon just looks at her phone but doesn't answer. With the song Feel You playing throughout this whole scene, it just adds to the emotional impact.

Next thing we know, a taxi is pulling up in front of his car and out comes Jiwon. Hyunsoo is already on the verge of absolutely breaking down, but the moment he gets out of that car absolutely wrecked my heart. He's literally struggling his way to her, tears are filling his eyes as she questions him.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why? You can't live as Baek Heeseong anymore. Your identity got exposed. You need to run away."

Oh Jiwon... he's doing this because he NEEDS you. Because he's desperate! Because he loves you, even if he doesn't understand that himself or why he's being like this with her. He does not WANT to run away. He does not CARE that his identity was exposed. He wants to be with you. And I know you're trying... trying so hard and so desperately to help him so he doesn't rot in prison for what his sister did. I know you are.

"What more do you want from me? What more do I need to do for you?"

Jiwon, what he needs from you right now is your comfort, your love, your protection. You don't need to do anything more than what you've already been doing. Just keep loving him, just keep him safe, help him as best you can. Be there for him and for love of god, don't abandon him. He's had enough of that in his life. He's been dealt miserable hands his entire life, and there's nothing that he wants more now than you, his life, his family and to live peacefully. It's his turn for the questions. Hyunsoo is crying now. The first time he's ever really cried.

"Just why... You knew everything. Why didn't you abandon me even though you knew everything?"

Oh... oh my GOD, Hyunsoo... just because you're not living as Baek Heeseong anymore. Just because you are Do Hyunsoo does NOT mean that you are worthy of abandonment. His self-worth is so incredibly small it's utterly heartbreaking. There's no reason WHY Jiwon would've abandoned you because that's just how incredible she is. Yes, she knows your real identity, and yet here she is. She stayed by your side, she told you she didn't mean it, you KNOW she loves you regardless. You have to know this. You have to know you are worthy of her love. How can you not understand why she wouldn't abandon you?? Your trauma runs so deep... you've never been shown by a single person that you are worthy of love except for Jiwon and it's so heartbreaking. So incredibly heartbreaking.

"Do you really not understand?"

No, Jiwon. He doesn't. He's so lost. We know... She bent over backward to protect him, to keep him safe no matter what it took, no matter what she had to do because simply finding out the fact that his real name is Do Hyunsoo did not mean an ending to her love for him. She STILL loves him. She never STOPPED loving him. She would never stop loving him. Ever.

I don't think Hyunsoo is having a panic attack this time. I think he's feeling real, true pain in his heart. I think those panic attacks were the start to this, like I've said in the past episodes. His emotions are completely opening up. His emotions that had brimmed the surface are spilling out in all directions. This takes me back to the beginning scene of when Eunha is crying. He asks Jiwon why, and she tells him "Because there's a lot she wants to say but she can't put it into words yet." I think there is A LOT of that Hyunsoo wants to say here, but he can't. So all he can do is tell Jiwon he is so sorry that he hurt her. He's overcome with his own remorse, regret, disappointment in himself and grief and now all he can do is just cry. He looks so defeated...

"I'm so sorry, Jiwon-ah. I hurt you. I wounded you."

Joongi's delivery of this line right here sent me over the edge full on sobbing because you can FEEL the pain. You can FEEL him in pain. You can FEEL his remorse, you can FEEL how desperately sorry he is that he hurt his wife like this. Joongi has always been able to break my heart and make me cry with his crying scenes, but this one is something so incredibly different. It's not anything like his past heartbreaking scenes in other dramas. You can feel every ounce of Hyunsoo's pain, his desperation, his regret, his fear of losing her.

Years upon years upon years of emotion and tears are just pouring out of him. Who knows how long he kept these feelings and emotions completely on lockdown for so long because of how many people told him he wasn't capable of feeling. Who knows when the last time he ever actually cried in his life? Probably when he was very very young. Maybe when his mother disappeared? Who knows, but it would seem in all his adult life up til now, he has never shed real tears and has never cried, and so now he finally is. He's sobbing like a young one. Like Eunha. And I can't even imagine what's going through Jiwon's head, seeing her husband literally crumbling and shattering before her like this. She's probably never see him cry up til now.

He's in so much pain because of everything he's been through in his life and has never had a way to let it out because he was told he was a monster. He was told he was possessed by an evil spirit and forced into abusive exorcisms. He was told he wasn't capable of feeling or processing emotion. He was told he couldn't love, so he believed any feeling to be unreal and locked it all away to the point he became emotionally stunted, but he can. HE CAN. These feelings have been building and building for so long, unrecognized and have now become evident. His remorse, his aching, his longing, unbelieving that anyone could ever love him as Do Hyunsoo... my heart physically aches for him. I'm shattered.

And the music. THE MUSIC. Oh my GOD this absolutely tragic instrumental is incredible. I don't know how this drama is doing it, but I tell you... the whole time I watched this scene I just cried and cried right along with Hyunsoo and Jiwon. Jiwon can’t stand it and she grabs her husband and pulls her to him. When she gathers him into her arms and holds him after he asks her why again, (FINALLY... I wondered how long she was gonna just let him stand there sobbing his heart out in front of her) and she tells him because it's all she could do, and he leans into her shoulder and wraps his arms around her. The way they are so desperately clinging to each other, as if they can't hold each other tight enough. Hyunsoo's sobs, Jiwon gently patting him on the back. I LOVED the gentle pat on the back because it reminded me all of the times Hyunsoo would hold, comfort and pat Jiwon whether she was crying or resting or whatever. He was there, holding her and patting her, comforting her. Her gentle patting calms him down...

And when he tells her "Jiwon, I want to go home." Oh my GOD... it was almost childlike here. He just wants to go home. Where he's comforted, where he's safe, where nothing can hurt him, where he's loved... I'm getting emotional just going back through this scene. God, Jiwon. Just take this poor baby home.

"Okay, let's go. Let's go home. Whatever happens, let's start over there."

The way he's clutching her shoulder and hair and sobbing again at the realization he gets to go home... just... GOD. Get him home, start over, clean his wounds, get his clothes changed and just let him cry or sleep or talk. Do whatever he wants or needs. Just please please get him home and stay with him.  Yep. I'm crying again. My gosh this episode just has me so utterly wrecked. I wish I could explain it better with my words just how much this episode affected me. Thank you Lee Joongi and Moon Chaewon for your beautiful chemistry here. You two deserve massive awards for this drama, but for this scene alone. You both are amazing.

Ooookay, after that overwhelmingly powerful emotional blow that lasted ohhh what... a good 10 minutes? From the time Jiwon busted in to save Hyunsoo, til the very end of Hyunsoo's breakdown... I had to stop so I could cry and get it all out before starting on the next scene.

So now, we're back with Noona and the Baek family. Who is, I believe, faking Noona out with the whole "I'll look into it." Meanwhile, you got Heeseong back there still biting his nails. Haesoo, no... you are trusting them far too easy and you CANNOT count on them. You don't know them. These are dangerous people. Now the mother is asking Haesoo if when she met the accomplice, was there anything that stood out. Sly... she's now talking about the fingernails on his left hand were chewed down short, and here the camera pans to Baek Heeseong biting and chewing at his nails and then him looking at them as Noona recalls this.

AND I CALLED IT I CALLED IT I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!! HE IS THE ACCOMPLICE!!!! HE'S THE ONE WHO SENT THE THREATENING MESSAGE TO THAT LADY, HE IS THE ONE WHO WAS WORKING WITH THE TRAFFICKING RING, HE IS THE ONE WHO WORKED WITH DO MINSEOK. HE WAS THE ONE AT THE FUNERAL SOBBING LIKE IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD AND HE HELPED DO MINSEOK KILL ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE. The flasbacks. THE FLASHBACKS FFS!!!

Oh shit... the damn trafficking ring leader escaped!!! He fucking tricked the cop with him and escaped. THIS IS REALLY REALLY BAD. This asshole is gonna want revenge on Hyunsoo... and I'm REALLY worried for Hyunsoo's safety since he busted loose. Who knows where he's gone!?

Oh man... time for more tears again, because believe me. This scene made me cry too. I love how Jiwon gently takes Hyunsoo's hand to lead him inside of their home, because he seems almost reluctant to step inside of it. Almost like a "Am I worthy of stepping inside my home? Can I be here? Is it okay for me to be in here?" And then In My Heart starts playing which is PERFECT for this scene. Another fabulously emotional scene done by Joongi and Chaewon. Poor Hyunsoo. He looks like he cried the whole way home, and now that they're home, and he's looking at the wall with the photos of all of their familial memories, Hyunsoo starts to cry again. You think he's going to go into an anxiety attack, but Jiwon grounds him. She puts her arm around him to support him and he turns to face her. He's so so vulnerable right now. So incredibly vulnerable. Jiwon is the rock he needs. She's his strongest pillar of support.

And now, back in their home, Jiwon puts her arms around her husband once more and holds him close. This is them, starting new, starting over, letting him cry in your arms, comforting him, letting him know that you're here, that you love him, that this is his HOME. He is HOME. He's safe here. Our crying couple pulls back to look at each other, and Hyunsoo can't help himself. He cups his wife's face, strokes her cheek with his thumb.I love the way Hyunsoo literally looks over every inch of his wife’s face, as if committing it to memory, and then...

They share the most perfect, emotional, crying kiss that I've ever ever ever seen in a kdrama. It's not messy, it's not overdone, it’s not lacking. It's emotionally impactful, it's so tender and you can tell with all the crying they're struggling to kiss, but are still kissing. And it just sent me over the edge. Just when I thought I'd calmed down from the last scene, I'm crying AGAIN. What is this show DOING to me!? God I love the way he kisses her here. It's so desperate and so wanting. I just can't even pin it down properly with words. It's so perfectly visual.

Alright so we're back to gangster trafficker leader man Yeom Sangchul. He digs out the photos of accomplice from his back pocket and sure enough, it's Baek Heeseong. The REAL Baek Heeseong. Which stresses me out and now I'm INCREDIBLY worried for Hyunsoo's safety... because this man is an accomplice to serial killings, is a killer, worked and involved himself with human traffickers... he is REALLY dangerous. And Yeom Sangchul's words chill me to the bone... "This means... I still have one more chance." And I'm REALLY afraid he's going to use Heeseong to help him get Hyunsoo and attempt to succeed in killing him. Please please please catch him before he can cause Hyunsoo ANYMORE pain.

The whole entire Baek family are nothing but a bunch of shady, murderous bastards who all three deserved to be locked up. Whether they lock the mother up in a mental institution is fine by me, but Heeseong and Manwoo? LOCK THEM TF UP. Hyunsoo is more than capable of it? The man has never killed a person a day in his life, so no... he's really NOT capable of it. And I'm not buying Heeseong's "HE MADE ME DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT or he would kill you and dad" crocodile tear bullshit for one moment. This dude is legit psychotic and unhinged. He's fucking crazy. Especially considering he stops crying instantly and asks his parents if they'll protect him and you KNOW these jacked up psychopaths will. I could be wrong, but I think he's pulling off one hell of a big act here. Even if it means trying to screw over Hyunsoo or worse... hurt Noona. I'm currently REALLY worried for her safety too. Especially now that she's involved herself with the Baeks. Funny how everyone would call Hyunsoo a psychopath but not the REAL ones here, the damn Baek family. They've shaped up to be pretty good villains.

Next we're being shown a flashback of Hyunsoo when he was just a 10 year old child. He's running in the woods, not sure of why, but his father shows up and is oddly protective. And then you hear adult Hyunsoo say "That's my earliest memory." We see Hyunsoo and Jiwon sitting in bed together, Jiwon holding her husband's hand in a very comforting, reassuring way as if letting him know she's there for him. It makes me wonder how long they'd been sitting there talking. At some point, she definitely doctored him up and they changed clothes and gotten comfortable. I think they would've been too physically and emotionally battered to make love, though I've seen people question if they did. Maybe it came later. I think they both are pretty ouchie physically and their emotions are a complete wreck since he can't seem to stop crying.

Hyunsoo tells her he was 10 years old with that earliest memory. He also mentions he doesn't recall anything that happened before that. Okay, but why?? Most adults can remember clear back to when they were VERY young... personally, my earliest memory was when I was only 3. What kind of trauma did this poor man sustain when he was THAT young that he would block out? That it would become a repressed memory? He doesn't even remember why he was wandering in the woods, that it was like he was lost in darkness, like he fell in a deep hole. He felt relieved to be rescued by his father, and that's all he remembers. I need to know why. I really hope they touch on this in future upcoming episodes.

I really love why Jiwon questions why he's still wearing the watch she gave him. He tells her that the idea of her knowing where he is makes him feel good. It probably gives him that same safe feeling. Jiwon continues to rescue him over and over. Jiwon was able to find him at the trafficker's hideout if it weren't for that watch. He might have been burned to death if it weren't for that watch. She was able to save him all thanks to that watch, and I am so happy she did. Then she mentions that Hyunsoo is a strange person. Well, that's random, Jiwon lol. What comes next though...? Made me cry again. YES. This drama has made me cry 3 times in ONE episode, though I wasn't really sobbing here. Just really teary. This is all thanks to Lee Joongi's phenomenal acting.

Hyunsoo questions Jiwon to what extent she'd been following him and Jiwon answers since he met Noona in the abandoned building. She finally tells him she heard him say he's never loved her, not even for a second. Hyunsoo can't even bring himself to look at his wife as she explains she doesn't even know how she got home after hearing that. And he looks crushed by this. That was definitely something he never wanted Jiwon to hear. And then he starts to cry again. And Jiwon tenderly asks "Why are you crying again?" Hyunsoo literally says "I don't know." Because he doesn't. He needs Jiwon to help him understand because she's ALL he's ever had to actually help him understand, even if he was never truly open with her in their past, he's being entirely open now and Jiwon knows what guidance he needs. She tells him she knows why he's crying again.

"Because you love me."

Hyunsoo shakes his head pitifully and says in a broken voice "No. I'm not capable of that..."

Oh honey... you've been fed so many lies about what you are and aren't capable of that you believed them and believed yourself to be this awful person, and you are most certainly capable of love. What you're feeling right now is love. That's why you're crying again. Because you love her. Because the very idea of losing her sends you over the edge. You're even remorseful at the fact that she heard you say this. But baby, you do love her. You love her so much. Your love for her is one of the biggest reasons of why you have been so emotionally wrecked the whole night.  

Jiwon explains it all to him.

"You always wished for me to be happy."

Hyunsoo "Because I had to deceive you." But is that really it? No. I don't think so.

Jiwon brings up more memories. Stuff that he didn't even HAVE to do to try and deceive her. He just did it because that was his instinct. To protect her. To ease her suffering from loss.  

"When I was studying for the academy, I'd leave the library late at night... only to see you waiting for me outside. That's when... I felt that you truly... cared about me."

"When my dad suddenly passed away, it was as if darkness had painted my life. I was anxious all the time and angry at the world. Almost everythingmade me cry. But unlike everyone else, you never pressed me to get better or gave out advice. You learned how to cook instead and made me food. It was all delicious, and that's how I got better again. You love me. I can feel it." And Hyunsoo, tears rolling.

The way he looks at her... "I... love you." He brings her hand gently to his lips and places a tender kiss on her hand with his eyes never leaving her face. "I... love you, Jiwon-ah."

My god the way he says it, the delivery, the tears, the expression and Jiwon being so moved by finally hearing her husband say it, because he knows it. He believes it. He knows he loves his wife. He now understands that all this time, he wasn't deceiving her. He wasn't tricking her. He was doing these things out of love for her. He knows what real and true love feels like. He finally knows. He finally understands. And I just...

The growth and development of Hyunsoo here is just incredible. It's beautiful, it's heartwarming, it's heartbreaking, it's bittersweet, it's emotional and so powerful. So very powerful. Even when Jiwon tells him that tomorrow, there are people who are going to judge him, and he says those things don't bother him anymore, he doesn't care. Jiwon tells him:

"No matter what, don't forget. You are a warm person." And she's right. He is. So much warmer than anyone has ever realized. He's proved it time and time again in the way he takes care of his family. How he is with both his wife and his daughter. The tickling and playing with his family, making meals together, the comfort he provides Jiwon after rough days at work, all of the things we've seen him do for them. It was all because of the love and warmth in his heart for his family. It's just heartbreaking that never realized that this is what it was the whole entire time. I want to see him cuddle Eunha and tell her he loves her too. So badly.

Okay I had to chuckle a bit here when Hyunsoo tells Jiwon "You are even stranger than I am."

LOL My perfectly strange match made in heaven Hyunsoo and Jiwon. ♥ No matter how strange you both are, you are absolutely beautiful. Both of you. And your love can't be matched. Jiwon covers his hand and encourages him to continue telling her his story. She wants to know what happened next. He tells her about working delivery for a Chinese restaurant, and that he met a man Namsoo, and Jiwon eagerly wants to know when she comes in. He tells her to wait a little bit, because before he met her he had to go through 2 near death experiences... wait 2???

“Your path to me was not a stroll in the park.” “Jiwon. You’re the one thing in my life that’s the hardest to explain. It’s unrealistic. It doesn’t make sense.” Okay, so we know that one of those was when Nam Soongil tried to kill him over needing money... what was the one before that?? Oh this poor, precious man... Baby what did you go through? I hope he told Jiwon everything. But I do love hearing him tell her that Jiwon is a moment in his life that he can't explain. It's unreal, it doesn't make any sense. I'll bet they stayed up all night talking and crying and everything til they fell asleep in each other's arms. I love watching him stroke her hand with his thumb. They are just so honest, so pure and innocent, so perfect.

And it hurts in such a good way but a bad way too... because the next morning Detective Choi is pulling up to Hyunsoo and Jiwon's house and getting out of his car... to arrest Hyunsoo. Talk about ruining something so beautiful.

We switch back to Noona all worried that Moojin didn't answer his phone. She can't call Hyunsoo so when she can't get ahold of Moojin, it has her all up in arms. Then she wants to know what happened to his face. Oh, Haesoo... if only you knew, girl. Then she's asking Moojin if Hyunsoo is alright and I was like "NO HE IS NOT ALRIGHT. HE CRIED ALL NIGHT LONG FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE AND HE'S DISCOVERING HE HAS EMOTIONS AND CAN FEEL ON TOP OF THE FACT THAT DETECTIVE CHOI IS AT HIS HOUSE READY TO ARREST HIM!!!!" Noona, I adore you honey, but you need to turn yourself in. You need to turn yourself in and admit the whole entire situation to the police, including why you killed the village foreman so your brother can be free. He's an innocent man. He does not deserve to be locked up.

Now we are back to Hyunsoo sleeping peacefully. Makes me wonder if he cried and talked til he fell asleep last night. Ahhh I love to imagine missing scenes. Jiwon stroking his face and his hair til he finally goes to sleep. It would be so sweet, wouldn't it? Also, I'm loving their new bedclothes. First of all, my favorite color, second of all, new beginnings for them. I'm guessing Jiwon decided to change the bedclothes some time after they got home and settled in to bed for the night. It was perfect and gave a change of color than all the bleakness we've seen much of. It set the mood of the emotional pillow talk. But anyway...

Jiwon is on the phone with Detective Choi, she tells him she understands and then pleads gently with him to please not put handcuffs on her husband. Her wishes are that he takes him as quietly as possible with him. She tells him she'll come out in 30 minutes with him and Hyunsoo is waking up. I wonder if he heard all of that or not? Jiwon tells him Detective Choi is in front of their house. He accepts this quietly.

Next thing, we see them both pretty dressed to impress, looking like a power couple. I love the way they are clutching each other's hands. Jiwon is NOT shy about flaunting to the world that this is HER man. I love how Jiwon holds onto hers a little tighter around his, and Hyunsoo squeezes back while they both stare down Detective Choi with not a shred of emotion on their faces. Nice poker faces, you couple of badasses. Though Jiwon does have sort of a “don’t fuck with my husband” expression.

This episode was by far the BEST one so far of the whole drama and will likely end up being a favorite. I had so many emotions while watching it and the last time I cried like that through an episode of a drama was Moon Lovers. Lee Joongi never ceases to amaze me. I can't wait to see what next Wednesday brings us!! I am very nervous though... I don't want Hyunsoo to go to prison for something he is innocent of!! He needs to be at home caring for his family!

Please, writers and director, please please let them have happiness. Let them have a happy ending. I'm begging.

[mazojo]

Favorite Sohma’s

Hi yes, uh, I needed a space to rant about fruits basket because I am still very broken so yea

Disclaimer that this is just my opinion and I still love them all very much, just needed to get this out of my system ayee. Also I will include a song that reminds me of them because I am that invested in this so yeaaaa

14- Kagura Sohma

Boy by Little Mix - “I know what you’re worth girl, you know what you got”

I rank Kagura as my least favorite just for the fact that I cant really relate to her I guess? I mean, she is okay, I think she is cute and all but I don't think violence is the way to go about her struggles and she is so much more worth than she gives herself credits for. In the end, I dont think I full understood her big struggle as much as the other characters and thats why she is at number 14, although I want her to be happy and full of love and support like the others ;w;

13- Akito Sohma

My Eyes by Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day - “But it’s plain to see, Evil inside of me is on the rise”

Akito is a complicated one for me man. Of course, in the beginning and throughout the manga you learn to really dislike her because she did some terrible things, specially to my baby boi Yuki and eye-.... But then when we learn more about her and everything she has gone through we start sympathizing with her but i..... cant just forget everything she did. I get she was traumatized since she was little, she became dependent on the zodiacs because of her father’s words and mother’s behaviour thus becoming a broken person with this big responsibility she didn't ask for. It really ticks me however, how much pain the others underwent through her, and even though its a healing process, the traumas and everything they suffered is still there which is why I cant place her higher. I do not hate her by any means, but she isnt my favorite person on this list either. I do ship her with Shigure and I think they help each other out, and they grow from the other.

12- Shigure Sohma

Used to the Darkness by Des Rocs - “Now would you pray before you twist the knife? Yeah, would you take my hand and take a life?”

*big sigh* Shigure is also a complicated one for me. It may be my big dumb energies showing but I didnt fully get a grasp on his character? I know he was doing everything for Akito’s sake to liberate from the curse and be with her so she is finally a “woman” but he always acted a bit shady xD?? I would have love to know more about his backstory, we dont get much from his motivations and character other than the perverted aspect and that he loves Akito lmaoo. I do think he is hilarious and I love the dynamic he has with Hatori and Ayame lol

11- Ayame Sohma

Starships by Nicky Minaj - “Starships were menat to fly, Hands up and touch the sky “

To be honest I am pretty neutral about Ayame’s character. He is hilarious and I love how Yuki insults him every tike he gets the chance lolll. I like how throughout the story he tries to change to become a better brother to Yuki and person even though he is pretty extra most of the time about it. He has a good heart and even though he made some mistakes he owns up to them which in my opinion, makes him a good character <33 I love his friendship with Hatori lmaooo they balance each other out sooo well

10- Kureno Sohma

Taking Chances by Celine Dion - “Never knowing if there's solid ground below, Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay”

I really like Kureno! He has gone through quite a bit and he needs a hug. I am sad thinking how most of his life he lead it pretty similarly to Yuki’s, apart from everyone and super enclosed to his relationship with Akito due to him breaking the curse and feeling bad about it. I do wish we would have gotten to know more about his personality and story, if we did I would have definitely ranked him higher! He really reminds me of Tohru’s father and I think Uotani is perfect for him <33 would have love to see more about the two of them and hopefully they expand upon it in the anime

9- Ritsu Sohma

Waving Through a Window by Ben Platt - “On the outside, always looking in, Will I ever be more than I've always been?”

Okay okay so I have a lot of thoughts on Ritsu. Manga Ritsu is okay, I really dont have much of an opinion on him due to him appearing only in a few chapters, I feel like from the Sohma’s, he is the one we get the least information about. But then the anime episode came out where they presented Ritsu and I thought they gave him so much more life and rounded personality where, I get to relate a lot to him? I am someone who is constantly apologizing for absolutely no reason and seeing him be all anxious and stressed about others interactions is big relate to me and I stan. I also think the whole dressing as a woman plot line is better dealt with in the anime and I hope we get to see more about his insecurities and troubles in the future because he is truly a very interesting character! I stan my one (1) anxious monkey.

8- Kisa Sohma

Mean by Taylor Swift - “But you can take me down with just one single blow, But you don't know what you don't know”

Cinnammon rooooooolll. Kisa is such a cutie. I dont have much to say other than my mood every time I think about Kisa is hugging her like Tohru does because she is babyyyy. Also her bullying story is one I think many viewers and readers can relate a lot to and such an important topic I think they covered pretty well and I loveee. Also her and Hiro are one of my favorite ships because they work so well and asdfgh in this household Kisa is a queennn.

7- Isuzu Sohma

Take me Home by Jess Glynne - “Came to you with a broken faith, Gave me more than a hand to hold”

I really like Isuzu!! I am pretty bummed we wont get to meet her in season 1 of the Anime reboot but hopefully in the nest season! She is quite a complex character that I didnt really understand at the beginning but once we see how much she loves Haru and all that she does in order to protect and keep him save she really went up my list. She has gone through so much, from her shattered reality from her parents, Akito threatening Haru, her being locked up withour given any food.... Isuzu is so strong and one of the best build characters in the series and I am super excited to see her in the anime!

6- Hiro Sohma

Time to be a Man by The Airborne Toxic Event - “And it’s time to be a man, Tell me how does that go?”

My bastard childdd <33 He is such an asshole and such a sweetie at the same time. His whole inner struggle of not feeling like a good enough man for Kisa is so heartwhelming and I think it really makes sense to the type of person he is. The flashbacks of him telling Akito how he loves Kisa and the feeling of uncertainty and impotency when seeing the girl he loves being hurt by his actions and wanting to be good enough for her even though he is more than enough sdfghjasd. I am also a softie for older brothers who love their families *cough cough* spoiler alert: Momiji *cough cough* that I love me one angry boi

5- Hatsuharu Sohma

4 Seasons by Rex Orange County - “I saw myself as less and you so high above me”

Cow boil! apart from the fact that I love love loveeee Haru’s design, I think he is also such a well build character! He is not only supportive of everyone (aka the loves of his life, Rin and Yuki xDD) but he is so interesting! His split personalities give him a cool trait (even though dark Haru doesnt appear much in the end of the manga) and I love how he helps everyone and makes sure those he loves are protected at all cost and happy. He is Rin and Yuki’s fan club stan leader and I am co-leader so we been stanning aye

4- Hatori Sohma

Fireflies by Owl City - “I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell”

Boooooy the next four to come are my absolute favorties and I would die for their happiness and love so *takes big breathe* I LoVE hAtORi sOhMAAa. To be honest when we first meet him I didnt like him much. I thought he was your usual dark deep character who doesnt talk much because he is too cool for everyone (which, he is) and that was that. But boi was I in for a riDE. His story about having to erase the memories from the woman he loves is one of the ones I cried through the most. I put myself in his shoes and wonder if I had to erase the memory of the person I loved the most, make them forget they ever met me, all our happy times, sad times, angry times.... No matter what its one of the most saddening moments and the whole scene is heartbreaking, which makes me love Hatori even more for the fact of how strong he is and selfless. He puts himself before others and he need to know he also deserves happiness and I am glad in the end he got it because homeboy needed a break ;w;. I also adore Ayame’s relationship with him xDD, he is like his idol and big same.

3- Kyo Sohma 

This song saved my Life by Simple Plan - “Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me, Trapped in a world where everyone hates me”

Top three babyyyy. We have now my angry cat boi™. I mentioned it before but going into the reboot firsthand without reading the manga nor watching the first anime, I thought Kyo was going to be my absolute favorite character. I knew he would be the angry boi who was soft inside and probably had a tragic backstory™ that made him act the way he did and I am a sucker for those types of characters. And I love Kyo, I really do, specially when we find out more about his struggles and past. The exclusion he felt throughout his life for being the cat, the abandonment, feeling like he had no one and was ready to die because he didn't have any source of genuine happiness (well, apart from Kazuma ya know but stillll). Then he finds Tohru, the girl he promised to protect, the one that reminded him of the woman that helped him out all those years ago and I just.... poetic cinema at its finest. Kyo and Tohru make one of my favorite couples and I love how flustered and In absolute l o v e he is with her and Kyo is great man....

2- Yuki Sohma

Nandemonaiya by RADWIMPS - “Crying even when you're happy, Smiling even when you're feeling lonely”

THIS WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISIONS OF MA ENTIRE WEEB CAREER SO EXCUSE WHILE I SCREAM. Yuki Sohma won my heart and entire soul throughout the series. I liked him from the start but he wasn't my favorite favorite at the beginning you know? I thought he was isolated and thats why he didn't have much friends and he was perfect and what not but boi was I wrong and happy about it. I think one of the reasons Yuki is one of my favorite characters in fruits basket is how much I can see myself in him. Having the constant need of perfection while also wanting to connect with others but finding it hard is something I personally struggle with and every time we learned a little bit about his backstory my heart broke. Everything Yuki had to go through, the rejection, the isolation, understanding that you are loved and not a burden, falling in love with someone, finding that figure of a mother/friend he always yearned for.... The complexity of Yuki’s character is astounding and I love my rat boi so so much.... When he joins the student council, finding his little group of friends and opening up to a more carefree and true Yuki, forgiving those around him and going and eye- YuKI IS MY BABY RAT BOI AND STAN HIM OR PERISH FROM HERE ;w;

1- Momiji Sohma 

Eine Kleine by Rachie - “If I were to go through life living just to take somebody else's place, Then I would rather have been born as a pebble, living out my peaceful days “

*Clears throat* *trumpets sounds intensify* *stands on podium* I LOVE MOMIJI SOHMA WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS. Thats it. Thats what I want you to get out of this post. I don't know if this is maybe an unpopular opinion-ish but Momiji’s backstory of his mother rejecting him, saying awful things, him having to accept being forgotten by his mother and sister whom he loved, not even being able to live with his family, is one of the most heartbreaking ones of fruits basket. Maybe its like what I said with Hiro and I am a sucker for big brothers that love their families, the sad smile of Momiji, my baby, angel, perfection when he sees his family and not being able to be with them, him loving Tohru but letting her go and be with Kyo because its her happiness that matters to him and I am-..... The selflessness of Momiji and how much of a sweetheart he is, his heart of gold and always being there for those around him, that moment where Akito was looking for Tohru and he got hurt trying to defend her.... Momiji is one of my all time favorite characters. He is a precious bean and I will never not shut up about my love for ma boi <333

Anyways that was long and ramble but I just needed to shout this somewhere because I've been missing they //rip

[mostlymovieswithmax]

1. Logan (2017)

Spoiler warning? Probably.

At the time, this was one of those ‘once in a blue moon’ movies. It took a character we’d seen portrayed by the same actor for 17 years over a period of eight movies and gave us something we never knew we needed. James Mangold flipped the formula on us and delivered a film that didn’t need to promote a franchise or pander to a whole host of demographics so that they could get as many people in the cinema as possible. Those who worked on it looked at the people who had followed the X-Men movies, even those who were just kids when the first movie came out at the start of the millennium, and decided to treat the audience with dignity and respect, knowing at the very least, those who had grown up watching Hugh Jackman in this role from the beginning would be old enough to view a movie like this. They gave this iteration of the character a proper send-off before he was left to stagnate and fade. It was something that hadn’t really been done in the superhero genre before and I would argue, hasn’t been done since. They gave us Logan.

How do I explain that this is my favourite movie of all time? Yes it is well-made. Yes, it ticks a lot of the technical boxes I look for in movies. It is what it is because it stems from a franchise of films based on comic book superheroes. Without the highs of movies like X-Men: Days Of Future Past, or lows of movies like X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which I still kind of find fun to watch), would Logan exist today? Or, if the answer is yes, how different would it be if we took even one of those movies away? Everything happened in the order and time it did and as a result, this movie came into being. I doubt the connection I have to Logan would be as strong or even have developed in the first place if it didn’t have those previous entries to continue the character from. I remember going to see Logan in the cinema when it was released and at the time, I didn’t think all that much of it. Characters that I had grown to love over the years from when I was a child died in front of me and when they died, they died for good. No resurrections this time. And I knew that. But I sat, stone-faced, unmoved by what I was seeing and now, two years on from watching it initially and having seen it multiple times since, I have to ask myself… why? My most recent viewing had me bawling like a baby. Why was my earliest reaction to my now favourite movie so mild? When you think of grand climaxes to beloved characters, especially superheroes, it’s not uncommon to think a proper send-off is something akin to Avengers: Endgame. I’ve seen Wolverine built up over 17 years. He fought a samurai robot in The Wolverine; he went up against the Dark Phoenix in The Last Stand and had the skin torn away from his body repeatedly in an attempt to keep her from destroying everything; he stopped an apocalyptic extermination of mutants in Days Of Future Past. So logically, doesn’t he deserve a goodbye that measures up to those standards we’ve applied to him over the years? To put him in a situation that requires him to save the world? Is this the ending I wanted when I saw the movie for the first time? Logan is small-scale. It deals with a situation on an intrinsically human level. The only goal is to protect a child and get away from the bad guys, who serve as a last middle finger to a character who has gone through so much shit and who at this point, at almost 200 years old in the year 2029, just wants to buy a boat and live out the rest of his days in peace with his oldest and only remaining friend. Logan understands the scale it conveys and uses that to its advantage, grounding the character and the story as a whole in order to give it the emotional weight and resonance it needs to serve as not just a decent end for Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, but a notable, spectacular end for an iconic character in popular culture.

How original Logan is in terms of the story it tells and how it goes about certain elements is debatable, although I’m not entirely of the opinion that it’s even trying to be so unheard of in every department. Yes, I’ve never seen anything like this before in the confines of an existing character who, up until now has only been seen to operate under the restriction of what is appropriate to a viewer aged 12 or above. I’ve never seen this kind of story told in as bleak a fashion when it comes to comic book superhero movies. But no, this is not the first and only movie to tackle the themes it’s going for or the type of story it tells. We’ve all seen road trip movies; there are countless tragic hero stories and antagonists set on building armies. How many times have we seen a movie where the villain is just an evil version of the hero? This isn’t trying to reinvent the wheel. Juxtaposing Logan (aka James Howlett/aka Wolverine) with X-24, a younger, stronger version of himself was a brilliant way to go. It speaks subconsciously to the characters’ fears and what he sees himself as. He is his own demon. This film takes a lot of inspiration from and pays homage to the type of stories that are told in old Westerns, specifically the 1953 film ‘Shane’, where a gunslinger hopes to settle down with a family but is forced into a battle between two separate parties. Mangold goes as far as to literally show a scene from Shane in Logan to highlight this and say that it’s not a wholly new concept for a movie, but wears its inspirations on its sleeve and even acts as a tribute.

The acting is superb, as if anyone needed to be reassured. Hugh Jackman gives maybe the best performance of his career in this. He gives it his all, as someone who clearly cares a lot about the character of Logan/Wolverine and manages to portray him in a way I never knew I needed. Patrick Stewart takes his iconic Professor X (someone we’ve known on the big screen just as long as Wolverine), who’s always been such a wise and collected authority figure, and twists him into this heart-breakingly haunted ghost of his former self, dipping in and out of sanity as he battles with the very human disease of dementia. Dafne Keen as Laura is exactly the fire this film needed to elevate itself past being just above average. A girl of few words but a presence that is felt so strongly. For a first feature and from someone so young, I’m amazed at how spot on the casting for this character was.

Violent and visceral; I now feel every emotional beat like a punch to the gut. The sound and cinematography are so well done and make for some heavy scenes that are meant to establish characters or make the audience feel horrible and upset. The first scene itself lets us know exactly where Logan is at in life and it’s genuinely one of the many highlights. The writing is pitch perfect; it is everything that I want and more and, if I’m in the right mood, has no problem reducing me to tears. The ever-memorable screenplay gives these characters a lot more depth than they had previously by honing in on what is explored in the previous movies. We always knew Logan was a pretty tragic character but never before have we seen the extent of how haunted he is. The sadness of it all comes from realising he has constantly been dealt a bad hand for nearly two centuries and is seldom given much of a break. Every time I revisit Logan I find something else to love about it. Possibly my one and only gripe is that the score could be better and really, as scores go, it’s still decent. With all the blood and action and misery and sorrow and blood (again) that is exhibited, I hang on to the small glimmer of hope that takes this movie to the end, in what is a heartbreaking finish but also an immensely satisfying one. I’m not sure I’ll ever tire of this. I can’t see myself one day feeling like I no longer get enough out of it to warrant watching it again. Logan brings a magnificent conclusion to a character I’ve followed for so long and I’m so thankful that Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine wasn’t left to collect dust until retiring in a most lacklustre fashion. This is everything I love about film.

[walters-tampon-string]

Justice

Fandom: Warriors

Rating: T

Warnings: Evil Spottedleaf, Spottedshade, drowning, murder (neither of done to either party of the ship)

Characters: Spottedleaf, Mapleshade, Patchkit, Larchkit, Flowerkit, Reedshine, Appledusk.

Relationships: Mapleshade/Spottedleaf

Description: Everything Spottedleaf did was just. 

Notes: Credit to Pumpkin Claws and Draikinator on YT for the AU. 

Seeing kits up in StarClan never failed to make Spottedleaf’s heart twinge a bit in pity. It seemed unfair, for lives to be lost so soon. Every kit, in her opinion, should get the opportunity to taste their first piece of prey or to be an apprentice. They should get the opportunity to live. And she stuck hard to this vow. She had gotten herself killed trying to give Frostfur’s kits that right.

Alas though, as much as she believed in this conviction, she couldn’t change fate completely, and every now and then, a kit, scared and confused, would join their ranks. It was always a heartbreaking sight to see, really. The kit would usually always demand or beg to see their mother or father, which would then force one of the StarClan members to come forward and gently explain that the kit was not apart of his or her’s parents world anymore, and they would have to wait until their mother, father, or siblings eventually joined the ranks with them, in order to see them again.

They always conveniently left out that it could be seasons and seasons before that would happen. But it eventually would. No cat could escape death forever, and she had to admit, it was touching to see kits finally reuniting with their parents, when their time eventually came. She’d been there when Mosskit got reunited with Bluestar. Admittedly, it had been quite a jarring sight to see her old leader, who Spottedleaf always saw as powerful, strong, and calculated cat, break down from overwhelming emotion. But it also made her heart melt a bit, too.

Seeing such sights always made her somewhat wish she could have kits of her own, but that opportunity was forever gone. Her tail twitched. But hey, she wasn’t the only unfortunate one here in StarClan. In fact, some had an even sadder fate than her. The three cats she had in mind were the kits who would never get the opportunity to see both of their parents’ again. At least, not in a meaningful way.

Kits in StarClan were very rarely left unattended. Even if their mother or father wasn’t up in StarClan yet, someone would usually step in and take care of them. Snowfur, for example, had apparently volunteered to take care of Mosskit after the kit had joined their ranks. To this day, Snowfur still continued to dote on her niece as if she were her own child.

There was always a cat like Snowfur around.

But for as long as she had been up here, there had been three particular kits who seemed to be without guardians. Of course, they weren’t outcasted completely. If one of the kits squeaked up at a leader, while in the middle of playing, that particular StarClan warrior would always be willing to spend a bit of time entertaining and talking with them. She even saw them playing with some of the other StarClan kits  every now and again. But while they weren’t completely ignored or vilified, there was no denying that these kits were different from the other StarClan kits in some way.

It was extremely rare, but every now and then, she saw a RiverClan tom and she-cat approach them and stick with them, but never for very long. For a while, she wondered if those were the kits parents. Their fur seemed just as faded as theirs, which suggested they had all existed around the same time. She wasn’t sure. If they were their parents, why did they always look so uncomfortable whenever they were around the kits.

Her curiosity finally getting the best of her, she asked Smallear who the kits were and why they seemed to have no one around them constantly.

The story was much sadder than she thought it would be. The three kits had been the result of a forbidden romance between a ThunderClan she-cat and a RiverClan tom. Eventually, ThunderClan had apparently discovered that the kits were Half-Clan and had banished them and their mother out of the Clan. Thinking RiverClan would provide them sanctuary, the she-cat, having nowhere else to go, decided to trek across the river.

Unfortunately, the water got too rough, and the current swept the kits away. The she-cat and a bunch of RiverClan warriors had jumped in after them in an attempt to save them, but despite their best efforts, the kits, unfortunately, did not survive the incident.

Her heart aching for the poor kits and their unfair death, she then asked if the two cats she kept seeing approach them were their mother and father. She had <i> thought </i> they both looked like they were RiverClan cats, but she could’ve been wrong-

Then Smallear told her the second part of the story. The scarier, darker part of it. About how the she-cat, now lost with a desire for vengeance, had then went on a misguided murder to avenge the life of her kits. How that conquest had eventually lead to her own demise, and the demise of three other cats.

And now, that she-cat wasn’t even walking up in the fields of StarClan with them, but instead in the shadows of the Dark Forest. A tragic end to a tragic tale.

Despite the fact that what the she-cat did was wrong, Spottedleaf couldn’t help but feel a speck of pity for her in her heart. No cat should of had to go through the pain that she went through.

And while she would never admit it out loud to Smallear, she could even empathize with the she-cat in a way. She knew what it felt like to feel cheated by life and underappreciated. She also could understand the desire for revenge.

But, of course, she couldn’t go into that with Smallear. So instead, she simply innocently asked who this she-cat was.

And that was the first time she heard the name Mapleshade.

She had been willing to leave it at that. She had simply wanted to know the information for pure curiosity's sake. But then Smallear had to continue with, “I worry about those kits sometimes.”

“Why?” Spottedleaf asked immediately, her ears twitching with interest.

Smallear leaned towards her conspiringly, as if he was about to tell her a secret he wasn’t supposed to tell. Maybe he was. Spottedleaf felt her heart pump a bit with excitement as she leaned in with him to hear his words.

“Lots of cats here had been claiming they’ve seen her hanging around near the border lately. She never crosses, and most will get her to back off, but it is still quite odd. She has never made a habit of hanging around before. Especially not at the frequency these reports are coming in.” He suddenly leaned back and began to idly lick at his paw, saying in between licks, “And you know those Dark Forest cats don’t approach the border unless-”

“-They have someone they are looking for,” Spottedleaf finished.

Smallear nodded, “Exactly.”

Spottedleaf politely dipped her head and thanked Smallear for telling her about the mysterious kits. Smallear immediately got flustered and stammered out it was no problem. Hmph. Toms were so easy, it was kind of sad. Oh well, she wasn’t going to complain about cats being easier to convince. So, instead of giving him an unimpressed look, she gave him as a genuine of a beam as she could before padding away.

Besides, the tom deserved it.

The information he gave her was more valuable than he probably previously realized.

………………………...

She had took it upon herself to play and tend with the three kits, whose names were apparently Patchkit, Flowerkit, and Larchkit. She had thought the decision might of been somewhat controversial in StarClan, seeing as the cats up here did seem somewhat uncomfortable with the kits, but to her surprise, people seemed to eye her approvingly. Smallear had even smiled, saying she had always been a nice cat and she was providing them a nice role model, unlike their mother. Cats were relieved some cat seemed to want to handle them for them.

She was glad the kits seemed to like her too. They followed her practically everywhere and were always wanting her to tell them stories or play around with them, and she was perfectly happy to indulge them sometimes. They were all very sweet kits. They did not deserve banishment from a Clan simply for the crime of being born, nor did they deserve to die such a horrible fate.

They would’ve made great warriors, whether they were in ThunderClan or RiverClan.

And she got to meet the two RiverClan cats who occasionally visited them. One of them was named Reedshine, a pretty she-cat, who the kits seemed to be at least somewhat fond of. Spottedleaf realized this must be the second mate Appledusk had taken in RiverClan. Spottedleaf liked her well enough. She was sweet and gentle, and if she held any resentment towards the kits from the pain their mother had no doubt caused her, she certainly didn’t show it. However, she did make it clear she was happy that Spottedleaf was taking task with them now instead of her. She lamented that she hated to see sweet kits by themselves most of the time, but she also got bad memories looking at them.

Spottedleaf had nodded sympathetically, though she was somewhat annoyed she had to mention this so close to the kits.

While Reedshine, ultimately though, seemed like a nice enough she-cat, Spottedleaf couldn’t say the tom, Appledusk carried that same kindness. The tom looked uncomfortable the entire time he was even near the kits. He spoke not a word to her or either of them. Spottedleaf could see the kits were more visibly nervous or avoidant of him. She watched Flowerkit tap his tail gently with her paws in an attempt to get his attention, but he just lifted his tail out of her reach and gave her a dirty look until she slinked away, looking apologetic.

Spottedleaf had held her tongue, a spike of anger shooting through her. What either Mapleshade or Reedshine saw in this tom was beyond her. To her, he seemed to be a most unpleasant character.

Eventually, after their first visit, Reedshine had dipped her head and said that they must go, once again thanked Spottedleaf for her kindness. Reedshine looked expectantly at her mate, who didn’t say anything. She nudged him on the shoulder and he gave her an annoyed look that practically screamed, ‘What?!’

Reedshine gestured at Spottedleaf with her head, and said, “Say thank you.”

Appledusk looked like he was prepared to argue, but then he just turned his nasty look on Spottedleaf and growled a rough, “Thanks.” before padding away.

Spottedleaf waited until they were a good distance away before letting her look grow dark. Hmph. What an entirely unpleasant tom. But she didn’t let herself get to angry and worked up. After all, if her plans worked out in her favor, then she wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Her tail curled in pleasure at the thought.

But first she had to gain the kits trust. They may be young in appearance, but they were not stupid.

Suddenly, she felt someone tapping her paw. Looking over, she saw Flowerkit looking at her shyly, mewing, “Spottedleaf… can you give us a badger ride?”

Spottedleaf internally grimaced at the thought. Badger rides were by far her least favorite of the games these kits liked to play, as they were much bigger than they thought they were and she was much smaller than they seemed to think she was. But seeing how nervous Flowerkit looked to ask, and remembering Appledusk’s dismissive attitude towards her, she immediately smiled and nodded. Flowerkit immediately beamed and shot off calling for her siblings to come and join.

She smiled. She couldn’t help but have the premonition that things were about to get a whole lot more interesting. And very soon.

………………………………..

It eventually happened one day.

She had just finished up an idle chat with Lionheart, when all of a sudden, she heard a shy, “Spottedleaf?”

She turned around and saw Larchkit, who was the one who spoke, approaching, with Patchkit and Flowerkit trailing behind him. Smiling, she said, “Yes, dear?”

Larchkit suddenly looked like he lost some confidence. Swallowing, he looked at his siblings for support, before he said, “Can we show you something?”

Spottedleaf had a feeling she knew exactly what they were wanting to show her. But she didn’t want to betray that. Keeping her gaze calculated, she said, “Show me something?”

Larchkit nodded firmly. Suddenly, Patchkit meowed, “But you have to promise not to get mad or tell on us! A lot of other cats get mad at us when we show them this!”

Spottedleaf blinked, before pleasantly chirping, “Oh, you three don’t have to worry your little heads about that. I could never be mad at you.”

The kits looked skeptical at this.

“What about the time when we told Yellowfang she was mean?” Patchkit asked, cocking his head.

Spottedleaf flattened her ears, before clarifying, “That was entirely different. You were being rude. But I wasn’t mad, I was just chiding you.”

The kits still looked skeptical, so Spottedleaf placatingly said, “I promise on my honor that I won’t get mad at whatever you show me.”

This seemed to convince the kits. Immediately they beamed. They were also prepared to move immediately, Patchkit immediately taking the lead, his small tail raised proudly in the air. He looked behind him and screeched, “Come on!” before charging off, Larchkit and Flowerkit not so far behind.

Spottedleaf shook her head. Where did kits get all of this energy from?

She followed them a good distance, purposely making sure that her strides were long enough for them to see her approaching, but slow enough that she was always a good distance behind them. She needed to be smart about this, if what, or for that matter, who, they were showing her was as bad as they were making it out to be.

Her theory was getting confirmed more and more, the longer they followed. The trees of the StarClan were beginning to get sparser, the grass beginning to die. She could feel a malevolent energy hanging in the air.

They were nearing the Dark Forest border.

All of a sudden, she heard squeals of excitement and saw Flowerkit, Patchkit, and Larchkit somehow moe een faster than before over the hill. Given that she heard Patchkit joyously scream, “Mother!”, it didn’t take a lot of deduction work to figure who was standing over the hill.

She continued to move slowly, not wanting to approach too suddenly in case she scared the she-cat off. All of a sudden, she saw Patchkit’s head pop over the hill. He half-ran, half-tumbled down it before, finally, he was by her side, puffing, “Come on! You got to see mom now! If we hang around here too much a patrol will see and we’ll never be able to see her again!”

That urged Spottedleaf to hurry up with Patchkit up the hill and then down it to go and see the infamous Mapleshade.

When she spotted the large she-cat, she had no doubt in her mind that this indeed Mapleshade. She looked almost identical to Patchkit in looks, though her thick fur was somewhat matted and her body was covered in scars. There was a particularly long one on the back of her neck. Her ears were covered in nicks. The marks of a cat who had lived a hard life.

It was amazing to see how much Mapleshade’s expression changed. When she had first began going down the hill, she saw the tortoiseshell’s face full of love as she looked at her kits from across the border. However, the moment she saw Spottedleaf, hatred and malignance flickered through her dark eyes. It was so dramatic an expression change, that when Mapleshade shot to her feet, her gnarled claws springing out of her paws, Spottedleaf actually leapt back a bit in fright, her own claws springing out from sheer reflex, her tail raising and bushing slightly.

But she forced her fur to lie flat when she heard Patchkit explain, “No, Mother, this is Spottedleaf. She is nice!”

Mapleshade looked as if she were somewhat split on being nicer for the sake of her kits, or just saying forget that and screaming obscenities at Spottedleaf. Her fur bristled and she kept looking at her kits, who were all talking over one another trying to explain what Spottedleaf had done for them and back to Spottedleaf.

Finally, she seemed to decide on a combination of the two. Allowing herself to sit down on her haunches, she licked her fur down, (though the claws were still out), and said, “What do you want?”

Spottedleaf kept her smile pleasant, “To talk.”

Mapleshade gave a skeptical look.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Mapleshade and Spottedleaf had discussed for quite a bit of time, the two she-cats laying down in their respective borders.

The kits played amiably around them, sometimes leaping on Spottedleaf’s tail or haunches, which was a bit distracting, but it kept them busy. Mapleshade still looked tense around her, but she was pretty sure hearing how comfortable the kits were with her and seeing the kind look on Spottedleaf’s face probably made her not think she was such a threat. Besides, it wasn’t like Spottedleaf was growling and chasing her off the border. She doubted she would be able to pull off that intimidating of a look anyways.

The two of them discussed some things. It was small talk really. Spottedleaf asked about what it was like at the Dark Forest and Mapleshade asked her a few questions about StarClan. Spottedleaf had tensed, waiting for Mapleshade to bring up any of the cats she killed, but the she-cat didn’t. Perhaps she didn’t even like thinking of them. Perhaps she didn’t want to know about them.

Mapleshade finally cut to the chase, “What do you want, StarClan cat? I am not so much of a fool to know you won’t use my kits as blackmail.” Mapleshade’s eyes glimmered with hatred again.

Spottedleaf kept her pleasant smile on her face, refusing to let herself be so easily intimidated by the she-cat. If she was going to prove herself to Mapleshade, she had to be tough. “I will do nothing of the sort. I personally think every kit should get to see their mother now and again.”

Mapleshade growled, “Then what do you want?”

“A favor,” Spottedleaf said. Mapleshade practically crowed in her face with laughter, revealing a set of very sharp, yellow teeth.

“A favor?” Mapleshade practically screeched, her voice shrill. “You StarClan cats have some nerve thinking you can ask the cats you sent down here a favor.”

She noticed that the kits had ceased playing, nervously eyeing the two of them. Spottedleaf coolly said, “I am not asking all of the Dark Forest for a favor, just you.”

Mapleshade hissed lowly, “You don’t have anything, I would want, flower.”

Spottedleaf gave a smirk now, her eyes glinting wickedly as she said, “Oh but I think I do, actually.”

Mapleshade’s eyes narrowed, as she said, “What? My kits-”

“No,” Spottedleaf said, cutting Mapleshade off. Leaning forward, so that her nose almost crossed the border, she said, “Revenge.”

Mapleshade opened her mouth in shock, and for a heartbeat, it seemed as if she was about to say something. But after a moment, her eyes narrowed even more and her mouth closed as she mulled things over. Then, finally, she looked at Spottedleaf and said, “Go on.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spottedleaf had always been a good actress. At least, she was pretty sure she did. Maybe it wasn’t her acting that was so good, it was just that people didn’t expect her to deceive them. She was sweet and pretty and a medicine cat. She didn’t make a habit of lying all the time, and she managed to keep herself believable enough to get cats to follow along with what she had to say.

And she was about to put this to the ultimate test. If she didn’t do this right then she would mess up a great opportunity for herself. So, bracing herself, she put on her best panicked and scared face and bolted towards a RiverClan tom who was stalking a mouse.

“Appledusk! Appledusk!” she cried, scaring the mouse away in the process. The tom glared at her in annoyance and was no doubt about to snap at her for making him lose his meal, but at the terrified and frazzled look she must of been sporting, he hesitated.

Taking advantage of his pause, she gasped, “Mapleshade got Reedshine!”

Appledusk immediately bristled, snapping, “What?!”

Spottedleaf shook her head. “There is little time to explain. The kits went missing and I asked her for help. She was trying to find Flowerkit, Patchkit, and Larchkit with me and we went near the Dark Forest border… we found them, but Mapleshade was waiting for us! They grabbed her and is holding her hostage! She told me to grab you immediately! Please, you got to help her!”

Appledusk immediately nodded and said, “Alright, let’s go. Lead the way.”

Spottedleaf nodded and charged ahead, fighting the urge to smile the whole entire way. They finally reached the Dark Forest border, she paused as Appledusk desperately looked around for Reedshine. “Reedshine? Reedshine?! Where are you? Mapleshade, show yourself!”

Appledusk was so desperate in looking across the border for Reedshine and Mapleshade, he didn’t notice Spottedleaf slinking up behind him. Taking a breath, she charged and then, with all of her strength, leapt at him and pushed him across the border. The unsuspecting tom tumbled with a cry of surprise, completely knocked off his feet.

Gritting his teeth, he tried to stand up. But midway before he could snarl at her and ask why she did that, a large she-cat leapt on top of him and pinned him down. When he opened his mouth, he could only let out a cry of pain when she slashed his muzzle.

Mapleshade leered down at him, “Hello again, Appledusk. It’s been a while.”

Appledusk snarled, “What are you doing, Mapleshade? Where is Reedshine? Spottedleaf, what is this?!” His green eyes were full of anger, but Spottedleaf could see a hint of fear inside of them as well. She supposed she couldn’t blame him.

“Don’t worry, Reedshine is fine. She is babysitting the kits,” Spottedleaf meowed, “You however, I can’t promise will be the same after Mapleshade is through with you.”

Appledusk struggled against Mapleshade’s weight, trying desperately to wiggle free or to kick her off, but she was not allowing it. The Dark Forest cat was as steadfast as a rock and she was not moving. In fact, she was seeming to take pleasure on digging her claws into Appledusk’s skin.

Appledusk looked at Spottedleaf in horror, gasping, “What is this?”

Spottedleaf just merely shook her head, “How could you have done that to someone you claimed to have loved?”

Appledusk’s eyes hardened. Looking at Mapleshade, he snarled, “I regret ever meeting you, fox-heart.”

“Likewise,” Mapleshade said. Then suddenly, she removed herself off of Appledusk’s body. The tom was about to shoot to his feet and no doubt flee, but Mapleshade quickly and roughly grabbed him by the scruff of the neck with a surprising amount of strength. Appledusk hissed in pain.

Spottedleaf smiled and said, “It seems as if Mapleshade’s mouth is full right now, so I will just fill in for her. You’re not leaving, Appledusk.” She saw Appledusk’s eyes widen with actual fear now. He tugged desperately to try and free himself, but Mapleshade was bigger and stronger than him, and she had her jaws fastened tightly on his flesh. He was not getting out of her iron grip.

“Traitor!” he screeched at Spottedleaf, his voice shrill. “You’re a traitor!”

“Perhaps so,” Spottedleaf said coldly, with a shrug, “But my betrayal will end up helping dozens of cats. Your betrayal ended up with multiple cats dead. So far, mine only has one casualty. Yours.”

“Let go of me! Let go! Let go!” Appledusk begged and pleaded, but Mapleshade wasn’t hearing anymore. She began dragging Appledusk with her. Not easy work, but they had accounted for this. Spottedleaf had made sure that the area they were in was relatively near the giant river the two realms had. It crossed blue and pristine from StarClan… and turned into blackish sludge in the Dark Forest. It would only take Mapleshade a few mouse-lengths to get in there.

As Appledusk and Mapleshade fought each other, hissing and clawing and spitting, Spottedleaf follow calmly behind, crossing the border to follow Mapleshade and see the process. She couldn’t have Appledusk coming back, no matter the cost. She definitely felt the difference as she crossed the border. Everything felt slimy and wet beneath her feet and the air felt heavy and thick. The smell of mold and rot filled her nose. Ugh. She would like to get out of here soon.

They finally reached the black river. Appledusk had taken quite the beating on the trip there. His body was littered with cuts and scrapes, and dirt matted his pelt and paws. He was also thoroughly exhausted from having to fight so hard, the tom gasping desperately in the heavy air. It took Mapleshade little work to push him into the water. Then, immediately, she jumped in and placed her weight on his head.

“This is what you get, Appledusk,” Mapleshade hissed, fury in her tone, “What I did to you when we were alive was entirely too merciful. You deserve to die a thousand times over!”

It was a slow process drowning someone. It was hard too. Appledusk kicked and fought, probably using every last energy reserve in his body to escape… even when he stilled, bubbles still rose, hinting he was alive. They had to wait patiently, until finally, the bubbles ceased. Mapleshade tentatively lifted her body out of the water, dragging Appledusk’s soaking body with her. The tom wasn’t moving or breathing. A few seconds later, they watched his body fade away.

Spottedleaf shuddered despite herself. Even for a horrible cat like that, she wasn’t a fan of watching murder. But she also felt a lick of satisfaction. She had done it. She had accomplished her task.

It seemed as if Mapleshade was surprised as well. After she shook off her fur (directly near Spottedleaf too, much to the medicine cat’s dismay), she looked Spottedleaf up and down and said, “I am surprised you did that, starlight. I thought all of you StarClan cats were moral goody-goodies.” Her whiskers twitched and she actually looked impressed. Pride beamed in Spottedleaf’s chest.

Giving Mapleshade a coy look, she said, “Surely Appledusk being up there convinced you that was not entirely true?”

Mapleshade growled her assent. Spottedleaf added, “But you are right, I am willing to go to bounds most StarClan cats aren’t willing to go to if it means things can go according to plan. And that is where you will come in.”

Mapleshade nodded, “You got yourself a deal.” Flexing her claws into the wet soil, she meowed, “Getting to tear my claws into that mouse-hearted coward again was more satisfying than I thought it would be.”

Spottedleaf nodded and smiled, genuinely this time, “Yes, yes… but we got a while yet before your part of the plan really becomes implemented.” There was always so much to do.

Mapleshade just grunted and kept licking at her pelt in a desperate attempt to get dry. Having thick fur like that get wet was probably a pain.

Spottedleaf knew that she should probably head back to her realm again, but it felt wrong to just leave like that. She still found Mapleshade a fascinating and smart and strong creature… and besides, surely their kits should get the right to see their mother multiple times, right?

So, looking at Mapleshade imploringly, she mewed, “Can I see you again? I’ll bring the kits.”

Mapleshade looked startled at the offer. “You wanting more from me or something?”

Spottedleaf shook her head, “No, I just wanted to see you.” She looked Mapleshade in the eyes to show that she was genuine.

Mapleshade looked away, as if unsure what to do about this. But eventually she meowed, “Sure.”

“Wonderful. I’ll see you sometime soon. Thank you for your help, Mapleshade,” Spottedleaf purred. She then pressed her nose quickly to Mapleshade’s muzzle, before she bounded off back to StarClan.

Excitement buzzed in her paws. She had a feeling things were about to get a whole lot more exciting soon.

[annabethisterrified]

Book Review: THE BURNING MAZE (The Trials of Apollo #3) by Rick Riordan

There are no spoilers unless you click ‘Read More’!

California is burning. After shutting down the oraclic sites in New York and Indiana, Apollo (aka Lester Papadapaulos) and Meg McCaffrey team up with Grover Underwood to find the source of the burning maze, a morphed portion of the Labyrinth where the third oracle is trapped. Along the way, they must work with demigods Piper McLean and Jason Grace to figure out how to navigate the twisting, smoldering maze.

But the third emperor of the evil Roman Triumvirate makes Nero and Commodus look pathetic. With the stakes high and their world burning, Apollo and his friends must put out the flames before they devour everything. 

In classic Riordan tradition, this third installment amps up the drama and danger. With dark and mature themes, the lighthearted aspect of this series begins to dwindle away as real consequences and devastating decisions wreak havoc upon Apollo, Meg, Grover, Jason, and Piper. The Burning Maze is a cinematic, heartbreaking adventure that elevates the stakes and leads us to the grittiest part of The Trials of Apollo. Once again, this book proves that this third series is not a spin-off or separate from Percy Jackson and the Olympians and Heroes of Olympus; The Burning Maze proves that The Trials of Apollo explores the loose ends and lingering fears the first two series laid out. A must-read for any fan of Riordan’s mythological mayhem. Just, uh, grab some tissues first.

SPOILERY COMMENTARY BELOW!

Heyyyy there! So seriously, massive spoilers ahead. You sure about this? Okay. Also, I gotta break this down into chapters. It’ll be the only organized part of this, trust me.

1. That Fun Five Letter Word...Starts with D! 

2. The Devolution of Jasiper

3. Apollo’s Arc

4. What Comes Next...?

5. Miscellaneous Sobbing

-----

CHAPTER ONE: THAT FUN FIVE LETTER WORD...STARTS WITH D!

I am not okay. Like, really not okay. Granted, I’m writing this review less than thirty minutes after finishing, so maybe I need more time to process what just went down but....damn. Like, my stomach ACTUALLY HURTS. I AM IN PHYSICAL PAIN BECAUSE OF THE CONTENT OF THIS BOOK.

In a good way, you ask?

Uh. It’s hard to say. This book is tricky to review. I’ve had an easy, breezy time describing my feelings for all the PJO, HoO, and ToA books prior. But in The Burning Maze...everything changes. 

For years, a lot of us on here have lamented the fact that we felt Riordan’s books have lacked a degree of consequence. On the rare occasion that he did kill a character, he brought them back-- Jason in The Lost Hero, Hazel, Leo...I could go on. 

And it’s not that we’re bad people who want to watch our favorites perish! We just...well, if you keep bringing back dead characters, we start to lose the fear that a character’s death should instill.

I guess he heard us, then.

Because if you’ve read this book, you understand too-- there isn’t anything bringing Jason back. This was real. Final. (In his own words!) And that kind of hurts. A lot. But at the same time, as heartbroken and sick as I feel, this is what we’ve been asking for for a long time-- something that reminds us of what’s at stake. 

Something, I suppose, to make us remember that. (See what I did there?)

Now, I’ll talk more about this in Chapter Two because I have a lot of confused feelings, but I for one, when it was announced that Piper and Jason would be in this book, assumed it would be a joint arrival, if that makes sense? I wasn’t expecting the two of them to be starkly and individually portrayed and explored...and yeah, I gotta wait til the next section to talk about this. Back to Jason’s demise.

And yeah, this was spoiled for me. And yeah, it was my own fault, so don’t feel bad for me. Still, I didn’t know HOW or WHY he would die, so there was plenty of heartbreak for me to uncover along the way. I was mentally steeling myself for the first 300 pages of this book, dreading what I knew was coming, crying at nearly every scene he was in (which frankly, wasn’t many scenes!) and basically losing my damn mind remembering ceaselessly all the times we’ve had over the past what? EIGHT YEARS? Since Lost Hero came out? I’ve loved Jason since The Lost Hero...since I was TWELVE. I am now TWENTY. I watched him grow. I waited impatiently every year for the next HoO book to release. I watched him fall in love with Piper and expand his loyalties and grow stronger and wiser and end up with such a fitting duty-- pontifex maximus.

And today, eight years later, I watched it all get ripped away. 

And I’m torn, because I think in a dark way, this is an absolutely tragically beautiful arc for Riordan to explore and utilize in ToA. I think it was a long overdue and necessary decision that clarifies the real danger our characters should have been exposed to much earlier. 

But I really thought he was going to be okay after Blood of Olympus. I thought our Seven were safe. I had already imagined and accepted what their lives were going to be like-- I had imagined he and Piper’s kids, his job as pontifex maximus, everything that was going to unfold for him... I thought the great tragedy of his long, happy life was going to be not growing old with his sister, Thalia. 

And it was hard to have him brought back into the action just for half of a book, just to get killed so gruesomely, so violently...without even getting to say goodbye, a fact that Piper and Leo later lament. So am I outraged at this writing decision? Or simply as a loyal reader? I think it’s the latter. I am angry for Jason and the friends he left behind, but I also deeply respect this writing decision. It’s a weird balance, and my thoughts will likely evolve as I have more time to digest.

I don’t feel good thoughts about this book, but that’s not a negative on the story. I think Riordan knocked it out of the park. That doesn’t diminish the dread and devastation I feel as a reader who has loved Jason for eight years. As a reader who had happiness for Jason’s future, and as a reader who really, truly, thought it would happen. 

Then again, isn’t that the whole point? Demigods are never, ever safe. And now Apollo will always remember what it is to be human, because Jason did such a goddamn noble job of it. 

I’m proud of that boy, and deeply sorry for him. I’m gutted. I’ll miss him terribly. I just hope this arc is further explored and resonates in the final two books in this saga. I just hope it wasn’t for nothing, but I know it won’t be. 

Don’t get me fucking started on 

Coach Hedge: “I was his protector.”

Leo: “Where’s Jason?”

Goodbye, please see Chapter Five for more screaming!

CHAPTER TWO: THE DEVOLUTION OF JASIPER

Ironically, this somehow hurts me just as much as Jason’s death? Like...okay. Let me think of how I can articulate this, because I’m feeling a lot of things. 

First off, I (unlike many of us bloggers here) genuinely loved Jason’s character and his romantic pairing with Piper right from the get-go. It clicked for me. It really resonated, and I was fully supportive. I loved the strange dynamic of having this fake foundation, and watching it develop (seemingly) into something real-- something unique and strong, a soaring romance worthy for a daughter of Aphrodite. 

We didn’t see it happen on-page, but they were an official couple by The Mark of Athena and I was behind it 100%. They had rough patches that I guess were indicative of future problems, but they were easily swept aside by the larger importance of surviving their Argo 2 mission. I loved their tender, intimate moments in The House of Hades and The Blood of Olympus.

Truly.

So I was confused when they were broken up (again, something we don’t see happen on-page) in The Burning Maze. And being from Apollo’s perspective, we of course will never fully understand why this happened. 

Now again, I have to deal between looking at this from two perspectives. Am I upset at the author’s decision, or just as a really-passionate Jasiper shipper? Of course, my immediate thought was that one of them had broken it off to protect the other, probably thinking “oh fuck if one of us is gonna die in the maze, maybe I should break this off to avoid future pain”. But then jason goes and tells apollo that it was PIPER that broke it off well before the burning maze was even a thing and i’m like WATTTTTT

I’m still like WHATTTTTTT

So, I wait for Piper to have her heart-to-heart with Apollo. (Listen, I fucking LOVE Piper in this book. What a badass motherfucker. Holy fuck.) And I’m expecting her to give a concrete, selfless reason for breaking things off with Jason.

I wasn’t expecting her to have fallen out of love with him.

But the more Piper explained herself, the more I realized that I was just the type of secondhand observer that Piper had started to resent. Apollo put it succinctly: “Your relationship was born in crisis.” 

It really was-- beyond Hera’s meddling and Aphrodite’s hyperfixation, these kids were also in WAR MODE. That’s enough to stress anyone out. I hadn’t really stopped to consider what Piper was dealing with, as a daughter of the love goddess. How everyone expected her to have everything romantic figured out. To have a love story to rival Percy and Annabeth’s. How her first love must be the love of her life.

And the whole world-- and the whole pantheon-- was watching them and expecting it. Judging them, all the time. 

Like, yeah, girl. That’s a lot. I think I get why Piper did it, even if it broke my heart. That being said, I do wish that if Jason had lived, they eventually would’ve made their way back to each other and fallen in love for real.

But Piper was right. She deserved to forge her own identity, even with the world restraining her constantly. I wish I knew exactly where her feelings for him stood, but at least we know with certainty that she always considered him her closest friend. She clearly loved him so much, more than anyone-- even if it was a different type of love than the one they first shared.

Just because she’s Aphrodite’s daughter doesn’t mean she should have to fall in love so dramatically and eternally. That isn’t fair for her. Her first remark to Grover was cutting and clear-- Jason and Piper were never like Percy and Annabeth. 

And this is still hard for me to stomach, since I love(d) them together, but I am glad Riordan is exploring the much more realistic aspect to relationships. As someone in a long-term relationship, I can empathize with Piper’s fears. The world always wants couples to be “Percabeth”-- together forever, utterly known to each other. 

But the reality is, most couples are nothing like Percabeth. And that’s okay-- that’s normal, and as sad as that is, at least it was acknowledged and addressed and explored. 

It took away some of the sting of Jason’s death that I’d been anticipating. I thought maybe there would be some last-minute confessional, some last tender moment between them. There wasn’t. He was torn away so fast. 

I’m devastated that Piper has to live on without him. But she has her father, Hedge and Millie, Leo...she’ll be okay. She’s a fighter. Always was. 

It’s hard to see one of Riordan’s hallmark couples fall apart in a way you don’t expect. But I can’t say it’s not realistic, and it’s kind of relieving to see one of his romances take on the tough stuff and not fall into a sweeping, encompassing romance that is usually unrealistic. 

CHAPTER THREE: APOLLO’S ARC

YEESSSSS RIORDAN DONE GOOD ON THIS PART

Apollo’s narration and character has finally developed into someone I can truly empathize and sympathize with. As cool as it would’ve been to see some of these scenes from other character’s points of view, I was really happy to read through Apollo’s eyes. I love love love where his character is going.

God....him referring to Jason as ‘brother’...his obvious care for Meg...it got me good. I’ve always liked Apollo as a narrator, but this is the first book where I LOVED IT. He’s set on a good path! He’s still funny, thank goodness, but there’s also a darker, wiser grace to him now that gives the story a more serious edge that will definitely help the books moving forwards.

I can’t believe he tried to kill himself to save the others. Ugh. What a guy. 

Love him!

That is all.

CHAPTER FOUR: WHAT COMES NEXT...?

So, I did a big happy dance when the next prophecy was revealed....REYNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE REYNA OH MY GOD WE GET A WHOLE BOOK WITH HER I’M PSYCHED FOR THE TYRANT’S TOMB 

But beyond REYnA!!!!! and Camp Jupiter????? I don’t really know what to expect for this fourth installment. I imagine we’re going to Delphi for the final book, but sticking to the Bay Area for The Tyrant’s Tomb??? 

I’m like...extremely apprehensive because a lot of people are predicting that Apollo and Reyna are gonna fall in love?????????????????????? like what with her final prophecy: no demigod shall heal your heart

umm. first off, reyna could do WAY better. But like...is this actually gonna happen? UHHHHH????? Guess I have a full year to think on this one hmmm

CHAPTER FIVE: MISCELLANEOUS SOBBING

soooooo i’m like kinda numb kinda devastated kinda in love with this book kinda wanna throw it against a wall

Like, okay, I recognize that as an author Riordan did an excellent job writing this book and I am so excited to see what goes down next.

BUT ALSO I HAD BEEN IMAGINING THIS DREAMY REUNION SCENE BETWEEN LEO/PIPER/JASON AND THEN IT HAPPENED EXCEPT JASON WAS IN A COFFIN??????????????????????????????????????????? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ALSO CANNOT BELIEVE PIPER IS MOVING TO OKLA-FUCKING-HOMA i mean actually I’m really happy that she’s finding her roots and that she’s taking some well-deserved family time and that coach hedge is with her but also I WISH SHE WAS WITH HER CHB AND CF FRIENDDDSSS

at least it’s kinda close to Indianapolis?

jesus christ

Anyway, I really loved Piper in this book-- my queen, my crush, my...oh my god i just love her she’s a fantastic character and i really hope she’ll come back somehow for the final battle

I’m also happy that Grover gets to go back to CHB and see Percy and Annabeth again! Yay!!! And I’m happy that Camp Jupiter hasn’t burned down to the ground yet! Yay!!!!!

In conclusion, I will grieve Jason Grace forever. But damn, what a book. See you next spring, demigods. 

PLEASE MESSAGE ME TO TALK ABOUT THIS IF YOU’VE READ TBM I NEED TO CRY MORE

[footybromanceastrology]

Gerlonso, Part 5: There Will Be Pain

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4

This final part is very, very long. And it will not be happy.

But you already knew that. You knew it back when you read the first words of Part 1. This is Gerlonso. There was never going to be a happy ending.

Gerrard may have his T-square(s), but Xabi Alonso’s horoscope suggests the possibility of its own conundrum. There’s an inherent incompatibility in the chart’s two dominant energies: the powerful, unpredictable, revolutionary energy of the Sun-Uranus conjunction in Sagittarius and the combined energy of buttoned down Venus in Capricorn and attention-avoidant Mars in Virgo, both linked with Moon/Mercury in secretive, suspicious Scorpio. 

However, Alonso appears to be balancing these two impulses rather well. He adeptly uses his considerable financial resources to create an image that harmoniously blends the energies of Capricorn, Virgo, and Scorpio via his focus on a traditional aesthetic, his professed loathing of anything flashy, and his cautious, almost Libra-like interview answers.

He effectively uses that image as a shield to deflect most of the nasty criticism that restless players often come in for. (Let’s be honest, it’s almost unfair how successfully he’s managed all those moves.) He also is able to incorporate gentler manifestations of the Sun-Uranian energy into his image such as a reputation for intelligence, a pronounced eclecticism, and a love of technology.

It was easy to spot the needs present in Gerrard’s horoscope, but Alonso’s horoscope initially makes one ask, What does this man actually need from other human beings? 

Well, like any Sun-Uranus (in Sagittarius no less), he’s got a need for constant mental and intellectual stimulation. For me, one of the strongest signs of his strong admiration for Gerrard is the fact that he often looks at Gerrard as though Stevie has sparked his curiosity or has amused him. If you’re into someone who leads with Sagittarius, Gemini, or Uranian energy, you want that person to look at your like Xabi looks at Stevie:

Originally posted by wrotefootballficiregretnothing

Originally posted by duckflyfly

You also want that person to want to talk to you:

originally posted by 30052511

Ah, but this is still skimming the surface. We want to look at needs. Deep ones. And it turns out there is a genuine locus of darkness tucked away in the horoscope of The Man With the Golden Image. And to understand it is to understand the true depth of The Tragedy of Gerlonso.

We’ve spent a lot of time on Gerrard’s Saturn, the beleaguered tension point in his T-square. We’ve talked about how Xabi’s Venus in Capricorn is a lighthouse in the fog to that poor Saturn. However, we’ve ignored Xabi’s Saturn. Of course, one can never truly ignore the Time Lord. Alonso’s sits in Libra and makes a near-perfect square to Venus in Capricorn. The Venus that is asked to do so much work for Xabi when it comes to The Image. It’s tough to place such a burden on a planet so badly afflicted by Saturn, and I’m genuinely impressed that he’s able to use the energy so deftly. Hard Venus-Saturn aspects are wretched things. The simple truth is that most people with these aspects have terrible self-esteem, particularly when it comes to their appearance and image.

Yes, I am asking you to believe that this man looks in the mirror and is unsure about what he sees:

I know this seems insane, but self-doubt is the classic signature of hard Venus-Saturn aspects. Astrologers have noted a tendency for some of these natives to put a lot of calculated effort into looking appealing and sensual, which is certainly one interpretation of Xabi Alonso’s aesthetic. The natives who behave in this way do so in the hope of getting validation from others because they cannot give it to themselves. When Venus is afflicted by Saturn, the native struggles to give themselves appropriate and healthy admiration, leaving them almost totally dependent on others.

Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to the universe. In her infinite wisdom, she brought Xabi Alonso, a man whose horoscope suggests that he has a terribly negative view of himself in certain respects (and thus craves validation from others), into the orbit of Steven Gerrard, a man whose horoscope suggests a need to find someone beautiful, harmonious, and peaceful upon whom he can heap adoration.

We know that first meeting made quite the impression on Gerrard:

originally posted by daisy-cutting (I linked to simplyirenic’s post b/c I don’t have access to the OP’s tumblr)

So what did ‘go wrong’ here? I think it boils down to the effects of Uranus. Back in Part 1, I speculated that Xabi Alonso probably has moments where the “permanently unsettled” quality of his Sun-Uranus aspect makes him want to tear his own hair out. There are moments where he probably really, truly hates that part of himself. 

I want to build on that speculation with even more speculation: despite the fact that Gerrard is the one who makes all the heartbreaking declarations of affection, the horoscopes suggest that the Tragic Separation of Gerlonso is actually more painful for Xabi Alonso. 

I know, how dare I say this when Stevie’s out here telling us all that Xabi leaving has broken his heart and that he’s missed him every day and all that? 

For me, it comes down to issues of self-blame. Like I said in Part 4, I don’t think Gerrard blames anyone except the Liverpool PTB/Benitez for the forced break-up of the Gerlonso partnership. He certainly isn’t mad at his precious Xabi. Plus, since Gerrard is the Old Man Saturn to Xabi’s Venus, even though the loss of their partnership was heartbreaking to him, I think there was a part of him that sort of knew it was inevitable.

Alonso, on the other hand, has the Uranus tension, tons of brooding Scorpio energy, and that horrid Venus-Saturn square. Natives with hard Venus-Saturn are looking for any excuse to tear themselves down or to convince themselves that the world agrees that they are unworthy of admiration. 

Watching someone who is so, so dear to you go on about how sad they were when you left them (and your evil inner voice definitely plays up the YOU LEFT part) is a perfect pretext for reminding yourself of how worthless and faithless you are, no matter what others say. 

It’s not like you go down this path every day--in fact, you may not even go down this path that often at all, but once you start, it gets ugly. You beat yourself up again for that stupid “burn it all to the ground” tendency in yourself that always has its way whether you like it or not. And then, if you’re really in the mood, you can beat yourself up for your stupid inability to be as direct as he is. 

All you can manage is a dumb, embarrassing, fumbling handshake in a TV studio:

originally posted by keepitclasie

Or shyly grabbing his shirt:

originally posted by youllneverwalkalone-stevie

(FTR, there is perhaps no better visual representation of Gerrard and Alonso’s Venus/Saturn synastry than this picture.)

Or that thing you do where you affectionately touch his belly:

[Moment of Levity: Both of them have Mars in Virgo. We generally find it very pleasurable to touch or be touched on the body part ruled by our Mars sign. Virgo rules the abdomen.]

You can’t make honest declarations like he does. You have to talk about him in a way that is all in keeping with Your Precious Image:

originally posted by moon-for-start

originally posted by daisy-cutting; I saw them at liverpoolstolemyheart

Is this good enough for a man, who, for reasons you’ll never understand, is fool enough to adore you? To FORGIVE you for leaving?!

originally posted by moon-for-start

Who was right there with you when you flew to the heights for the first time? 

photo from youllneverwalkalone-stevie

And who has never begrudged you for flying beyond, many times over now, even though he couldn’t follow you because of that damned loyalty (and how could you understand that, you monster)?

Are those affectionate words you use, terms of deepest and most worshipful respect and gratitude--Captain, Skipper--really enough for a person like this?  

Sometimes you slip a little, and the overpowering depth of your gratitude and affection threatens to spill out. But you hold it in because you’re a Scorpio Mercury for reasons you sometimes don’t understand:

from steven-gerrard

originally posted by daisy-cutting; I saw them at liverpoolstolemyheart

Ah, you like that word for him--hero. And so, in the moments when it really fucking matters and you really have it get it right, that’s the word you use. And when you use it, you’re not using it in the well-worn modern sense. You mean it like the poets of old meant it, back when the world was new, back when calling someone your hero was enough to scorch both your souls.

originally posted by booperesque

And then you just hope. 

[rebeccawhite83]

The Complications of the Teenage Life

Have you ever seen the movie 'The Truman Show'? If you haven't, it's a tragic movie about a man called Truman Burbank who doesn't know that since he was a young child he was filmed and his whole life was false and planned out. Every single human interaction wasn't genuine it was all for a TV show, his wife, his best friend even his father's death was all faked. Jim Carrey is brilliant at portraying the heartbreaking truth that all of our lives are faked in some way or another.  

The only reason I mention this is because in my everyday life at the back of my head I feel the need to make my life like a movie. After watching The Truman Show and many other pop-classic teen movies, I can't listen to music without thinking "What if this was a movie?" "What if there camera's filming?” Even just simply laying on the couch reading a book I feel like making it look better because this could be filmed and millions of peoples could be watching right now.  

I know this isn’t the case, but my life sometimes feels so empty, so bad but so chaotic that it has to be the making of someone else. But that someone else isn’t an evil producer, it’s a messed up thing in my brain. The chaos is a big gaping pit ready to swallow me whole. As a teenager, I have many things that add to this chaos. School. Home. Family. Friends. The stress of everyday life. And in amides all of this I am trying to figure out my life but what the amusing thing is about all of this, all of the effort and all of the research into who I am, is that no teenager knows who they really are. All teenagers are truly alone, in this great bleakness of what we call life.    

Isn’t it funny how you can sit in a room full of people and still feel so infinity alone? I feel like that all the time, and mostly it doesn’t matter where or who I am with. I wish so deeply with every fiber of my being that I had someone to talk to, but I know that I don’t. I can’t speak to my mother because, with all that I am feeling and at the same time all that I am not, she would blame herself and would go down the same road of self-pity that makes me feel unable to speak to her about these things. About the monsters, because the monster has now moved from under my bed to inside my head.  

I want what every teenager wants. Acceptance, and when no one does it feels like the whole world is against you. It hurts. It hurts because when you are in school, with friends and even the teachers you care what people think, it matters to you because if it matters to others, then it has to definitely matter to you. Because if they don’t like you, then no one ever will. We as teenagers just want people to like us even if it means losing what we have of ourselves.  

I know of myself that I have no idea what I am doing in my life because most of the time I can’t seem to get out of bed. It is like this heavy weight it on my chest pushing me down, and I cannot find the courage to push back against it.  How when the sunlight shines through the window, I hate it. I hate how it holds the promise of a new day. The only thing that is harder than waking up in the morning is going to sleep at night. I loathe laying awake at night, staring at the ceiling with eyes burning because I don't know nor have the energy to close my eyes. Everything in my life seems to be fake and falling apart; fake smiles cut at me, blood runs downs my cheeks, as I struggle to keep it on my face. My chest feels like there is a heavy weight on top of me. Every day is getting worse, and I can't do it any longer. It hurts, even just sitting here writing this, I am in agony.  

My life, it funny just thinking about those two words, ‘My life’ what does it mean to you? I probably mean nothing to you because you do not know me and I probably sound like any other whining teen. I know my life means very little and that is what I am scared of, I am terrified of dying without my life having any meaning. I know, that if I disappeared no one would notice, I don’t mean the people close to me, I mean the universe.  

I often find myself remembering as I cry the first time I tried to kill myself I was barely a teenager. I don't think if I knew then what I know now that it would have changed anything. Because it wasn't about what I knew it was how I felt, my feelings just took over me. I was alone, in a narrow dark, terrifying place however it didn't work. Well, obviously it didn't work. I didn't even have the brains to kill myself, isn't that funny, isn't that just hilarious.  

But that's my life, never doing anything right, never being good enough at anything. Everything I've done, every single day of my life is officially bloody pointless. Have you ever walked around your school, work or wherever and feel so infinitely and utterly unimportant. If you disappeared then nobody would notice, the world wouldn't care, people would just get on with their boring, unhappy lives.  

Have you ever looked around at the people you call friends, and see that in their life's you are nothing?

People tear you down by accident, but also on purpose, and they don't say sorry. They do it because they are miserable in their own lives that they have to let out some of that misery on other people. It just proves that you are nothing to them, nothing more than a past time thing to talk too, nothing more than a piece of muck on their shoe. It sucks I can tell you that, but I guess you figured that out because everything else in my life sucks.

I felt the need to create this character, and she is perfect, she's invincible, strong and so I carry on living these two lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night because that is easier than admitting I have a problem. My depression is the hell inside of me, and it eats me up daily. The pain doesn't go away, but I'm learning to make room for it, deep inside my soul.

I find it unbelievably difficult to express how I feel, I open my mouth to speak but no words come out, and I end up swallowing the sadness. I have tortured my soul and myself in search of the ability to speak. I cannot express to someone how much I love them; I don’t feel loved when someone tells me they love me and I can't feel anything but numbness.  

I am so sick of pretending so sick of ignoring how utterly broken people are and how messed up this world is. The pain is becoming so much more intense, and I'm tired so tired of feeling like I am screaming and no-one can hear me. I use everything I can to block out the world; -Books,   -Music,   -Alcohol

Yet I have never felt so infinitely alone I am helpless in the face of it all. There is no one here for me, and no one cares. I know that someone must care because I know that I have touched someone’s life but that kindness that I have in me to help others is slowly diminishing away from my grasp.  

Maybe being hopefully for the first time, I will tell someone when they ask me if I am okay, I'll admit that I am really not okay. Just not today.