#and the one list we got off of (over a period of 10 years!!!) ended up being i think like $50 less than what we were paying for that house

[sonysakura]

🚫 My Sonic Big Bang 2024 Experience

...Or how a few months of my life were severely negatively impacted by someone else's bad management. See for yourself.

Proof of the rule they're speaking about being actively hidden from the participants to this day: FAQ – archived link, screenshot with "Who can participate?" on top, screenshot with "explicit" word search, screenshot with "nsfw" word search; Master Guide – screenshot with "explicit" word search, screenshot with "nsfw" word search; server rules – long screenshots of General Server Rules and StH Big Bang Specific Rules: Mar 12 and Jul 01, screenshots of Strike Policy: Mar 12 and Jul 01, long screenshot of General Guidelines, long screenshot of Collaboration Thread Guidelines.

I feel like this is extremely unfair 😭 One moment I was participating in the event I dreamed about for years, and the next moment I'm thrown out into the cold when I did nothing wrong. I need to get it off my chest...

Below, more about my experience with the event, though it ended up a little vent-y, a detailed (and verified!) record of what exactly happened in private thread #48, the aftermath and some fun facts I discovered or want to share:

First things first! Yep, I signed up for Sonic BB as a Writer back in January. I didn't talk about it outside of my server 'cause I wanted it to be a surprise – when I roll out a lo-o-ong illustrated fic without a warning. I'll admit, I always wanted to participate in a Big Bang for this fandom, it was a dream of sorts. And still, before sending my form in, I carefully read all of the Master Guide and the FAQ both. Seeing as how for my neurodivergent brain the rules and regulations are important, that's what I usually do for events, and this one wasn't an exception. Confident that I understand what the event would require of me, I signed up.

First month of the event went well. My questions were answered (even though I wondered why some of the things I asked couldn't have been in the Master Guide from the beginning), I wrote my fic summary and submitted it without many problems, etc. There was a small hiccup at the very beginning of March when I noticed how strict the management seemed to be (no changes or adjustments allowed), and my anxiety got the best of me, so I asked the mods if there's a plan in case a collab team doesn't work out: screenshot of my message in #writers-info-and-questions, pulled from my Discord data; screenshot of my detailed explanation in DMs; screenshot of Mod Joy's reply. Here are the most important quotes from his reply:

I understand wanting to plan for the worst case scenarios, but I would caution you not to freak yourself out over what all could go wrong! There are some absolutely lovely artists in this event who are excited to work with the writers. Odds are, things will go off without a hitch.

We are highly encouraging that no one drops out after the assignments, especially writers, unless due to extenuating circumstances.

We want to make everything as fun and stress-free for everyone. Know that we will be around to moderate threads and dissolve any tensions that arise,..

In short, I was placated with reassurances of careful moderation, not dropping writers and ✨positivity✨. I decided to stay and challenge myself since originally BB is meant to be a challenge and all...

For those of you who haven't participated: the way it is supposed to go is that writers submit short summaries of their stories, these summaries are stripped of the writers' names and given to artists to pick through. The artists then have to list their Top 10 stories to illustrate during the claims period. After the claims, private collab threads are made for each writer and their artists with a couple of mods. So no one else could see what happens in these threads.

Now flashforward to March 11th and the threads being created. Obviously I don't have screenshots of that due to being kicked off the server without any warning and before any chance of communication, unable to delete my personal information or save anything that might be used against me which was a case of poor management at best and a deliberate move at worst, so I'm retelling as faithfully as possible. It also has been verified by [artist 1] and according to them, this is exactly what happened.

My fic was in the 4-8k range, and I got two artists. I was asleep when the thread opened, and they talked about how excited they are for my fic before I came in. Both of them are 18, young but adults. I’ll call them [artist 1] (they're cool), and the other one is [artist 2]. Both artists seemed to talk to me normally.

Oh, I have to point out that there were hmm, Mods Chaz, Joy, Summers and Frostios in my thread. I think only four of them, but I know for sure Mod Summers was reading our conversation at least in the beginning because I noticed my fic's Warnings saying "None" (the original summary I submitted had Warnings: Discussion of Homophobia, Slight Internalised Homophobia), and I pointed out that there are warnings, though I don't know if they were lost just now or weren't in the sheet available to the Artists either, and whether they were actually lost or mods didn't consider it a big enough warning to keep... I still don't know. Mod Summers just silently pinned my message.

I mentioned how I'm in one of the Asian timezones geographically, so I might be awake or asleep at unconventional times, and they told me their timezones (I didn't ask!), so I figured I can make a timebuddy chart for easy tracking what time it is for everyone. Made one, sent the link to the thread, Mod Summers asked me if I want it pinned, too, and then a couple of hours later (I think?) [artist 1] came and said it's very helpful. This is my evidence for at least Mod Summers probably reading the conversation that followed but also maybe not. I think all of the mods were online or at least visually online when it was happening.

This is where I reveal that the entire conversation happened in like... one afternoon 🥲 Roughly 7 pm to 2 am for me.

Back to the conversation itself. There were a few questions I had so I started with them, basically 1) if they've read my fics before (explained that I'm asking so I know whether I need to tell them about my writing style and Sonadow dynamics I write); 2) do they want me to send in scenes as I write them or they want a full draft; 3) if they have any immediate questions for me. Question 1) is what we need. Both of them said they've never read my stuff before, and that they don't have any questions now but they want art to be as close to text as possible, so they will ask in the future. This is how it went down after (as per my memory, artist rendition I guess):

[artist 1]: I haven't read your fics but I'd like to! Your Ao3 is the same as your handle? [no link]

Me: It isn't a requirement, you don't have to! But that's right. I have to warn you though that I usually rate my Ao3 profile as 18+ when I link it, though 33/36 of my Sonic fics are rated G and T, and I feel like a warning is in order anyway so people don't accidentally stumble upon something they don't want to see and know what to avoid/filter out. [I didn't post any links or encouraged the artists to read my profile, just made a warning to be cautious]

We go into discussion of how long I have been writing, [artist 1] shows no problems with knowing my Ao3 has 3 Mature fics, I describe what series my fic will be for [the series is completely SFW, and even then I didn't post the link to it] and go into details of how I write Sonadow dynamics in my fics without mentioning the NSFW ones obviously, we speak about Question 2).

[artist 2]: [replying to my warning about my Ao3] ooohh so you write gore sometimes?

Me: Nah, I don't actually, I'm pretty uncomfortable with it tbh, so no, I don't. Some blood and a quick description of Maria's dead body is the most I have ever done 😅 All the angst I make characters go through is emotional rather than physical!

[artist 2]: oh I shouldn't have assumed, sorry. It's just the first thing my mind went to

Me: It's okay! I've been a medical student at some point and I think I've just had enough of that - one of the main reasons I'm not a doctor but a linguist.

[artist 1] gets excited about this for some reason, and we chat about it for a moment.

Normal conversation continues like...

Me: Okay, where were we

[artist 2]: i wasn't paying attention errr

Me: Me neither! But it's Question 3)

I go into saying how them wanting to draw as close to the text is 💯 what I wanted to hear because for me my texts are an extension of my soul, I'm fragile about them, and I'd prefer the art to be exactly according to it blah-blah-blah, I describe my thoughts about a plan of work for us and how I'm going to share pieces of my fic according to their respective wishes.

[artist 1]: Sounds great!

[artist 2]: yeah, sounds good

[artist 1] says something else which I just react with an emoji to, and I start getting ready for sleep because it's almost 2 am, and I have to get up at 6 am.

Nothing else was said in the thread. That's it.

I got to bed and as most people nowadays I check my phone one last time. I see [artist 2] requesting a mod they can DM to, but I don't think much of it…

So 6 am. I wake up and again, as most people nowadays, I check my phone. I went to sleep in a good mood, seemingly in good relations with my artists, excited for the collab and having a solid plan everyone agreed to, so I eagerly open Discord to see if they wrote anything new in the thread. I see no Sonic Big Bang 2024 server.

I will not go into too much detail about my state, but I have an extremely acute reaction to stress very similar to a panic attack that lasts for hours. So with shaking fingers I open my DMs to see the message from that first screenshot I started my post with. The following exchange with me learning about the hidden rule happens the next day. Unfortunately, before that I still have to go to work for a full day in that very same mental state, oof. Plus I have no breaks on Tuesday... I go back and forth all day with my friends about how shitty this situation is, and one of them asks me how [artist 1] reacted. I say that I don't know, but they still follow me on Tumblr so I go and message them, and from what they tell me, it sounds like a mod pretended to them that I was removed because of an existing rule that's stated somewhere. They didn't argue with that, and that's understandable of course.

At home, I notice one of the event mods blocked me.

It is difficult to explain what's happening in my mind without going into details of what my [disorders] are, but things that are unfair, things that are injustice put my brain in a loop until all wrongs are righted. I'm ranting about it to friends, and I think about it day and night. On March 14th I vent about it in the tags of a related reblog, and this is the only instance of me talking about StH BB on my blog. Next morning I'm blocked by the event blog and over the next 2 weeks – by two more mods, while another mod speaks to me passively-aggressively in a shared Discord server. Then I'm shown a screenshot where one of the mods claims I offered my Ao3 to my artists (I didn't) and implies everyone who writes NSFW is dangerous. And then I receive a hate ask about the event, calling me "creepy"... All this time, my brain is still stuck in a loop, and let me tell you – it's not fun. It doesn't help that my first reaction to everything that makes me feel bad is always to assume I'm at fault for everything, and seeing how hostile people are to me, I'm drowning in self-blame. Without going into any more detail, it takes me 2 months and a lot of help to somewhat recover, so I finally send my reply to Headmod Chaz and receive one back:

If you got to this part, you know that half of Headmod Chaz's reply is simply untrue since there were no "multiple instances", and in any case I was never asked to keep quiet about my ban (and why should I?). I sent another reply a month later expressing my confusion and wondering when the messages will be removed (only my intro was removed). As of today, that reply is still ignored, and the messages aren't removed 🤷

And this is the entirety of my Sonic Big Bang 2024 experience. Now for some Q&A:

Why did you wait so long to make this post? I didn't want to put any participants under fire, particularly my friends because I'll admit, the mods seem like petty people. And also I was worried about throwing shade on other participants (people associating their works with this) or spoiling the event for people who were genuinely having fun with it. Thus, I waited until it was over!

Is this a callout post? According to definition as "public criticism or asking someone to explain their actions", I think it is – in terms of calling out bad management. It is definitely not a call for harassment. There is a reason I censored some names and left vague who reported me, blocked me, was hostile to me or spread rumours about me. Please don't bother anyone, and if the mods decide to engage with this, they can post their own statement.

Aside from the above reasons, why make a post at all? Two reasons: a personal one and an altruistic one. Firstly, I hope to get closure this way since I still feel like I was unjustly thrown away when I was just being a dutiful person. Secondly, while Headmod Chaz said they will be transparent about this rule next time they run an event, as you can see they fully ignored my suggestion of doing it now, and in general keeping a rule hidden to such an extent where you lie in your FAQ is pretty shady... I don't trust them not to do it again next year.

Is it okay to reblog the post/reply to it, what about sending an ask or a PM? Yes to all. I don't expect anyone to reblog, though if you think it's necessary, go on. I'm posting it to the event tags, so-o I think people who need to see it – will see it. If you decide to be negative or call me names, however, be prepared to be blocked by IP or username.

Finally, fun facts as promised 🔥

There are other participants out there who have had negative experiences with BB or were made uncomfortable by the way it was managed, but I'm not going to speak for them;

There was this whole thing with hypocrisy and possible favouritism;

Despite the mods insisting on ME being quiet about my ban, it's now known that they shared information about it outside the mod group;

Out of 6 mods: 5 have me blocked, 2 were passive-aggressive with 1 of them going as far as verbally lash out at me in DMs, and only 1 mod gave me a human apology (not pictured in screenshots);

I saw 3 NSFW writers and at least 2 NSFW artists participating in BB just by scrolling through my dash, without seeking them out, and this is not counting people I noticed in the server prior to me being banned;

Some people are posting Mature and Explicit extras and sequels/prequels to their BB stories already;

The artist who reported me seems to have dropped out anyway;

There's a joke reason why I'm making a post, too: I have to earn being blocked from the event blog since they said they did it because of multiple instances of me talking about my removal;

I'm actually grace and most of the time write my characters as aspec, and I'm exploring what sexuality and intimacy mean for me through writing, so this situation felt a little... like gatekeeping;

My fic was #48 under the title Chao Care 101, and I want you to give me a high five if you had it among your top choices 🖐

Originally, I wasn't going to complete my BB fic because it made me feel bad, but now I've decided I want to reclaim it, so I'm writing it now. Almost 8k words at the moment. It will be published. And it will be illustrated;

Meanwhile, what came out of this disaster is Sonic Supernova 2025, and I recommend you all to keep an eye out for this inclusive Big Bang-like event 🌟

[alaynestone]

FIC RECS for @spnficrecfest - august 10-12 aus and crossovers

i'm attempting to limit myself to just one small sample of the fics that could be recced in every category so that my list is more easily digestible. it's a given that many good fics will be left out but if we keep this up they will have their turn later.

always-a-girl dean winchester

carmen and the devil by glorious_spoon (gen) John raises his daughters in the life.

you feel your heart taking root in your body by paxlux (sam/dean) Then, he can see again, she’s stepped away, taking her little hands with her.

everlovin' baby series by paxlux (sam/dean) This is like premeditated murder. This is like a crime of passion. This is like a suicide pact.

denial series by badbastion (sam/dean) This is another stupid game to her, Dee teasing her little brother. It’s a prank, it’s a game of chicken, just… upped uncomfortably to include sex.

you're the only one that's mine by riyku (sam/dean) Dean gets injured on a hunt and Sam has to patch her up. Things get a little out of hand.

bloodletting by adastreia (sam/dean) Sam's jonesing for blood. Deanna's on her period.

madonna by hellhoundsprey (sam/dean) Things used to be easier. This is on Sam.

my heart's staying put by grim_lupine (sam/dean) It's like Deanna’s been asleep for four years, traversing the highways of her life on autopilot, every joy and every pain muted and numbed. In the months since she got Sam back she's been coming to life slowly, with the pins-and-needles tingling of a deadened limb awakening.

take off my flesh and sit in my bones by oxoniensis (sam/dean) Tiny breasts, like sandcastles washed over by the tide, tan soft and warm like sand; body still bones and promise.

long as i remember (the rain been coming down) by phoenixflight (sam/dean) Deanna’s cycle had always been obvious to Sam.

buccaneer by deadlybride (dean/crowley, dean/omc, sam/dean) With a new Knight of Hell at his side, Crowley should be attending to business. Instead, he's focused on one thing.

the shout of heavy guilt by astoryandasong (dean/castiel) Sometimes you have to live the story.

as we go along and making it up by aesc (dean/castiel) The world didn't end, and sometimes that freaks her out.

like it's the end of the world by xxamlaxx (sam/dean, john/dean, dean/others) Fifty sentences that span pre-series up to the end of season 3.

everybody else's girl by mona1347 (sam/dean) Back when they were kids, Dee would hold and rock him, pseudo-motherhood awkward and too big on the little girl she was.

daddy's little girl series by amiwritesthings (john/dean, sam/dean, sam/dean/john) John and Deanna, through the years.

a simple motion by chinablue (john/dean, dean/others) But watching her - watching her is different. Watching isn't touching, and there's no law against that.

i'll be your mirror by chinablue (john/dean) The girl in his bed isn’t quite his wife, but in the glowy relative darkness she has room to morph.

the found song by necrotype (dean/rhonda, dean/others) It takes a long time to feel content (a disjointed story in five parts).

[hellfirenacht]

Reader ==> Have Lunch With Hellfire Club

Isekai Chronicles Master List

START HERE <<<--- FIRST CHAPTER HERE

Fic Summery: Through no powers of your own, you end up in Hawkins 1985, in a tv show that you once saw on Netflix. Slow burn, Eddie Munson x Reader will be canon, choose your own adventure to a degree, monkey’s paw author.

Chapter Summery: You sneak into Hawkins High to have lunch with Hellfire Club.

Tags: Eddie and Reader, sfw, Reader is on her period, reader is also just a little horny and touch starved but nothing really happens with that.

Reader ==> Have Lunch With Hellfire Club

"Ow'' You hissed, laying your head down on the cool table. You had been doubled over for 10 seconds and most of the club looked at you with concern.

"Uh... You good, Lipton?" Jeff asked.

You winced, from both the cramp and what he'd called you. Why did no one at this school use first names? It was already hard enough responding to a false name to begin with, even after memorizing the information on your new kinda-fake ID card. Thanks, Murray.

"Just dying. It's fine, I'll live." You groaned, and forced yourself to sit up and look down the table at Eddie, passed Mike and Dustin. "Got any painkillers?" You asked.

"None that would help you." Eddie shrugged.

"Ah, lovely." You laid your head back down as another cramp shot through your uterus.

It was the last day of school before Hawkins High went on fall break. You had snuck over to the school to have lunch with Eddie and the rest of Hellfire Club. Currently, all of you were sitting outside, enjoying one of the last warm days before the cold set in. Out here, none of the teachers would see you all, and even if they did, they wouldn’t take note of one extra person who shouldn’t be on school grounds anyway. Besides, it’s not like it was your first time sneaking into the school, as it had become a habit over the past few weeks as you made yourself a part of Hellfire. 

By this time next week you’d be set up in the small trailer on the opposite end of the same trailer park that Eddie lived. Just a few more days and you could finally move out of Benny’s and you could stop dealing with stupid jocks and bugs and all the other bullshit that came with being a squatter.  

"What's wrong with you?" Asked Gareth.

"Alphabetically or chronologically?” your voice was deadpan and muffled from being pressed against the old picnic table. “And how much time do you have?" 

You wondered briefly what “chronologically” even meant with you. Would you start chronologically in a direct timeline starting in 1895? Or maybe you’d start at the year you were born and loop back around. 

"She can't be in too much pain if she's still a smartass," snorted Jeff.

"You're laughing. A party member is bleeding to death and you're laughing." The cramp subsided and you sat up again.

"Gross." Muttered Gareth.

"I bleed for days at a time and survive. Get on my level" you hissed.

"Level 5?" Jeff shot back. "You're still behind us, even with Henderson's help."

"Motherfucker I swear-"

"Hey now, no need to fight" Dustin piped up, looking between everyone with concern. "We're all stressed because of midterms, we don't need to take it out on each other."

You closed your mouth and backed down. You didn’t mind the occasional fight with Gareth, honestly you almost enjoyed it when he picked a fight with you because it meant you could blow off some steam. But Dustin was currently your only real friend, and you weren’t going to risk pissing him off. That kid was the only one to try and figure out how you ended up here anyway. 

Plus, he’d been running some one on one adventures with you between Hellfire meetings. With Eddie insisting that all new players start at level 1 no matter what the party was at, Dustin had convinced him to let him do some smaller adventures to help you try and catch up with everyone else. Sometimes Mike and Lucas would even join in. 

"Just ignore me." You sighed. "I'll live even if it kills me." You looked at the uneaten sandwich in front of you. The idea of eating it made you feel gross even if you were hungry. You grabbed it and tossed it down the table in front of Eddie who looked at you with a cocked eyebrow.

"Don't want it. You eat it." you mumbled, forehead against the table again. You were starting to feel like you should have just stayed at Benny’s until it was actually time for Hellfire.

"You gonna be okay to play tonight?" Eddie asked. "Or do you need us to find a sub for you?"

You shook your head. "I'll be there." You promised. "I'll just hit up Robin or someone for some aspirin before the game and I'll be fine. Might not be the most talkative-"

"That'd be a first." Muttered Jeff.

You flipped him off. "I'll be there. I can still roll dice as well at anyone here."

Eddie grinned. "Good, and I'm not gonna go easy on any of you tonight."

"Do you ever?" Mike laughed.

"Yeah, you've always been tough on us, but Cult of Vecna has been your most sadistic campaign yet." agreed Jeff.

"That's because this is my year." Eddie said. "I'm gonna graduate and I'm going out with a bang." Eddie drummed on the table with his hands, revved up now. The vibrations of his drumming echoed through your head and you sat up again.

He stood up, the sandwich left forgotten for the moment. You watched him, and the way he moved was like a full-on rainstorm. Eddie only ever seemed to have two modes, 'on' and 'off'.

He was very much on now.

There was a fire in his eyes that had burned you for the past month since you'd been invited to Hellfire. Your initial attraction to a fictional character turned coworker had burst into a full blown genuine crush. In the autumn air, his cheeks were flushed red from the cold and his natural excitement, and his hair was flying everywhere. Even with Eddie circling the table as he bragged about his campaign to the members your heart felt like it might leap out of your chest, distracting you from the other organs inside you that were ripping themselves apart.

A firm hand grasped you at the crook of your neck, and you tensed slightly at Eddie's touch, your mind blanked for a moment as he made physical contact with you.

Eddie was... Very handsy. He wasn't afraid to grapple, wrestle, grab, and generally put his hands on his fellow Hellfire members. Eddie had picked up Dustin and Mike by the shirt collars and pushed them more times than you had bothered counting. 

This however, was the first time he had laid a hand on you. You held your breath as you tried to ignore the shiver that slid down your spine and into your core. You didn’t dare let anyone see that this had any effect on you. 

‘Not the time, self.’ you scolded yourself.

Eddie gave you a shake, which changed that warmth in your core to a vague sense of nausea. 

“Please don’t shake me right now.” you groaned. Your guts were not interested in physical movement right now. Your legs were already nearly constantly sore from biking everywhere. 

To Eddie’s credit, he did stop. His hand was still firm against you though, and you could feel the cold metal of one of his rings against your skin.

“See this one,” he gave you one more shake, the asshole. “This one is so metal that even though she probably should retreat tonight she’s still willing to show up for us.”

The compliment made your heart swell and the air didn’t feel so brisk as your own cheeks warmed up. You tilted your head back to look at him with surprise; Eddie didn’t hand out compliments too lightly with the club. He was always so straight forward, firm. He wouldn’t say anything unless he meant it. 

“I’ve always shown up when it mattered.” you said quietly, flashbacking (flash forwarding?) just a split second to a group of friends from the future. Not that it mattered, I guess. What was that??

The hand slid off of you, and a sense of emptiness echoed through your chest and at the loss of the warmth and pressure. You shoved down the lump in your throat by taking a long gulp of water. You had been here for nearly 2 months, and that had been the first bit of physical contact you had with anyone outside of a small scrap with Murrey or a handshake with someone, or your literal run in with Steve Harrington. 

One small touch, and you felt like you were falling apart. You were really starting to be sick of this feeling. 

Eddie sat back down and pulled out the sandwich you had offered him and you watched it disappear in 4 bites. 

“Jesus Eddie, did you even taste that?” asked Mike, and to be fair it was a valid question. 

“Didn’t need to, it was edible. Thanks, Lipton” 

“Why do you all keep calling me that?” you asked, looking around the table. 

“What, ‘Lipton’?” Mike asked. “I don’t know, it’s just something we do here.”

“Could... you please not call me that? Just call me by my name please. Or ‘Dipshit’. Or ‘Hey You’ or ‘That one girl in Hellfire’. Anything else.”

“You’re barely in Hellfire.” Gareth grumbled, flicking a chip crumb off the table and onto the dirt below. Gareth had been nice enough the first night you showed up for Hellfire, but then the more you hung around the less he seemed to like you. You’d deal with that later.

Eddie looked over at you, his wide brown eyes meeting yours and he said your name. 

The back of your neck prickled at the sound of your name on his lips. You wanted him to say it again. 

‘Not the fucking time, self’ You scolded yourself again. You had so many bigger issues than a guy with pretty brown eyes and a chipped front tooth that made your stomach explode in butterflies. 

Oh, who the fuck were you kidding? You did not. In fact, he was absolutely the main problem that you were going to have to deal with in a few months. If he wasn’t planning on being a hero, maybe you could actually sleep at night. 

You gave him a small nod, and wondered if you looked as tired as you felt. 

“Sorry, it's an old habit.” Dustin said. “We’ll stick with your first name”

“Thank you.” you said, relaxing. You looked at the time, not long until lunch was over. Then two more hours, then school was over. Hellfire started at four, a half hour after school ended. That gave you a few hours to just wander around aimlessly until school ended. 

You zoned out for the rest of lunch, poking at the food you had brought until it was all passed along to Eddie. He never did bring enough food for himself anyway. 

When the bell rang you took your time gathering your stuff up as most of the club started back towards the school building. 

As you were about to turn and head in the opposite direction towards the woods. something grabbed you by the shoulder and moved you behind a tree before you realized what was happening. Eddie stood in front of you, hands on your upper arms, head tilted with that look of intense concern on his face. You found yourself stiff under that gaze, thrown off by how he had suddenly grabbed you. 

“Eddie....?”

“I meant what I said, earlier.” he said. “There’s no shame in retreating. If you feel like shit, you don’t have to come.”

“I want to.” you said. “I- I really do, I promise. I don’t want to let you down.” It took you three seconds to realize that you had said ‘you’ and not ‘everyone’ and heat burned your cheeks. 

Eddie put a hand on your forehead. “You’re warm and you look like.. You look fucking tired.” 

“....Thank you, Eddie. Just what every woman wants to hear from a man.” Your voice was deadpan. “I’ll be fine. I just need to take an aspirin and maybe take a small nap before Hellfire.”

His brown eyes bore into yours and you wondered how easily he could see through you. “Come on, you can take a nap in my van.” Eddie didn’t bother giving you a chance to answer before dragging you around the school, towards the parking lot.   

It took a moment for his words to register in your brain as you followed him. "....Huh?"

"I have some spare blankets and a pillow back there. I crash in the back all the time. Might not be the... Cleanest or the most comfortable but it's safe. Not like anyone's interested in messing with the freaks van" He said, his hand sliding down your arm to grab your hand. 

Eddie was holding your hand. Shit shit shit shit shit- 

Your brain caught up to you. "Ah, yeah that would be really nice actually." you said. "I probably really need the short rest of I'm gonna survive you tonight."

You wondered if Eddie realized that he had given your hand a squeeze. "Get those spell slots back, you're gonna need them." 

"Thank you, I really do appreciate it.” And you did, passing out in his van was definitely safer than passing out in the woods somewhere until Hellfire started.

Eddie looked over at you and smiled. "Everyone in Hellfire has crashed in that van at least once. It's basically a right of passage to help break in the newbies."

You couldn't stop your mouth from running. "You break in all the newbies in the back of your van?" You looked up at him with a teasing half grin. "Damn, this really is a cult." ‘Not. The. Fucking. Time. Get your head out of the gutter please.’ 

Eddie snorted and shook his head. "You'd be surprised what's happened in the back of that van."

"Sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll?" you offered. ‘What did I just tell myself??’

"Two out of three. I'll let you guess which ones." 

The bell rang and you jumped. "Shit, you’re gonna be late to class.” You looked over at Eddie, worried about his getting in trouble. 

“It’s just gym, no one will care if I’m late” he said. “I don’t like being the first in the locker room anyway. Are you sure you're okay?" Eddie asked, looking you over. "I'm not trying to be a dick but you really look rough."

"I feel rough. I'll be fine." You promised. "I just need a nap. You said it yourself, I'm metal. Can't exactly let everyone down when you called me that."

"You're either very brave or very stupid." Eddie said, opening the back door to the van, giving a sweeping gesture to motion you inside. 

You tossed your backpack in first before crawling in. To your surprise Eddie hopped in with you and closed the door. 

"Just need to move some things around. As a Hellfire member and your DM, you know that what happens in this van stays here." Eddie's eyes narrowed slightly and you nodded dumbly, wondering if he was aware of how some of the things he was saying sounded. "Good."

He pulled up a section of the floor where a spare tire should be, and pulled out a small box. You leaned against the back of the front seat, closing your eyes. Whatever Eddie was doing, it wasn't your business, not when he was being so nice. You really thought you had completely blown it a few weeks ago when you first went over to his home, but by some power he kept letting you hang around. Being coworkers probably helped. 

With your eyes closed, you breathed in deeply and took in the scent of the van. There was a lingering smell of weed and cigarettes, mixed with the natural smell of him and a hint of some sort of air cleaner to mask the smells. It could have been much worse, you found that your tolerance for the scent of narcotics had gone up a lot since being here.  

Your body was already starting to relax, knowing that rest was coming soon. You had been running around Hawkins all week between shifts and doing your own investigation work of the town, looking for anything that could help you come Spring Break. 

Something soft hit your head and you opened your eyes. Eddie had tossed you two blankets and a pillow. "They were washed recently." He said. 

"Eddie you- can you come wake me up before Hellfire?" You asked, feeling the texture of one of the blankets. It was worn and thin but nice against your hands. "I don't have a watch or an alarm." Your watch had died two days ago and you wouldn’t be able to get a new one until Bev paid you again.

"Don't worry, I'll need to come back here anyway. I'm keeping my notes for today in the front seat. Don't peek. I'll know if you do, and there will be consequences." Eddie's tone was serious as he tossed his Hellfire notes in the front seat. He put his whole being into this campaign, and you wouldn't dare betray that trust that was starting to form between the two of you. 

"Wouldn't dream of it, I doubt I could read your chicken scratch handwriting anyway." you said and he grabbed the pillow from you and smacked it on your head again with a laugh.

"Stan tried once. Once. He learned his lesson after that. He didn't even read the right notes, he ended up with an attempt at my English homework." 

Stan. Another name from his past that never was in the show. You had already accepted that Eddie was real, even if it had left you spiraling for a good two days. But there were still small moments to just how real he was. Hellfire Club existed before now. Eddie had friends before this version of Hellfire. Each new piece of himself that he offered you was tucked away in your mind, a reminder of what you were really working for. You wished you could offer the same. 

It was comfortable in the back of the van with him like this. You could count on one hand the amount of times you had been alone together for longer than five minutes, not counting your shifts together at The Hideout . There was a part of you that was still nervous about being with him, this person who shouldn't exist with you. 

Eddie looked at his watch. "Business calls. Get some rest, I'll be back for you before Hellfire." 

"I'll try not to die in your van."

The van shifted as he scooted over to the door, opening it and letting in the late September air for a moment. 

“Night" He said before closing the door behind him, leaving you alone. 

Reader => Take A Nap In Eddie’s Van

You grabbed the blankets and started adjusting them. Thankfully there were no mysterious stains on any of them, but the pillow was very much a 'boy pillow' which was flat and old and offered zero support. But it was his and it smelled like him and it was... More clean than expected. Not like you had any room to complain. 

You laid back and took a few slow breaths. You didn't expect to actually get any sleep but some time to just lay down and relax was enough for now. You were sure that Eddie would tire you out again tonight-

‘With the campaign you fucking pervert.’ You scolded yourself, trying to ignore the warmth in her stomach again from just his hand on your arm and shoulder. Hellfire was always very high energy, and Eddie's stamina was unwavering. As a Dungeon Master- no fuck, not that kind of dungeon master-!

What was wrong with you today? Being on your period and the stress must be catching up to you. You were starting to think you needed to get laid. Or maybe convince Steve or Robin to loan your their Family Video discounts to rent from the back room- 

No. You were NOT going to hit up a jock and his lesbian best friend for porn. You didn’t even have a VHS player. 

You were so fucking touch starved. 

You shut your eyes tight and tried to clear your mind of any perverted thoughts. It was pleasant in his van in a weird way. Cool, and parked in the shade, and just dark enough to let your mind shutdown slowly. Maybe you’d get a contact high, but you didn't know enough about drugs to know and at this point you were too afraid to ask. 

You tossed and turned for a bit, trying to get comfortable enough to just relax. The van's floor was hard, and it took a half hour to find a position (with doubling your backpack with the pillow) where your brain could shut down fully. 

It felt like you had just closed your eyes when a knock came from outside. You jumped and sat up quickly, fumbling in the sheets to cover up before remembering that you were still fully clothed. 

"Wake up, Sunshine, Hellfire starts in 15 minutes!" The van door opened and Eddie smiled at you. "Hand me my bag"

You reached for his bag and pushed it over, shaking your head to reoriented yourself. Right, Eddie's van. Naptime. 

"Last chance to back out." Eddie said. "Say the word and I'll walk away and drive you home after Hellfire."

"I'm okay!" You said, not knowing if you were going to crash at Benny’s or in a basement. "I actually feel a lot better after laying down for a bit. Just let me use the bathroom and I'll be all good for tonight, I promise." 

Eddie reached out to take your wrist and help you out of the van, and you stumbled slightly before readjusting. Eddie grabbed your arms to make sure you didn’t eat shit on the pavement.

"I'm good, you just threw me off. I'm fine, Eddie." 

Eddie answered by letting you go and closing the van door. "You know the house rules. Anyone late gets a penalty at my discretion."

"Yes, Dad" you rolled your eyes and the two of you made your way back to the school. Once inside you stepped away and slipped into the bathroom to freshen up and readjust your clothing and pee. After splashing some cold water on your face and cleaning up you did feel a lot better. 

"You actually showed up" Gareth said as you made her way down the stairs. 

"Get on my level Gareth." you said, taking your seat at the table. 

"Feel any better?" Asked Dustin. 

"Yeah, much better." You pulled out your folder and set your mini fig on the table. "Eddie let me crash in his van for a bit."

The overhead light went out and with a click a single lamp that hung above the table flickered on. Eddie was now seated in his 'throne', his side of the table now set up. 

"If we're done chatting now gentleman, lady" he nodded at you. "Last we left the party...”

Notes: I haven't forgotten about this series! I feel like I am constantly writing and yet have noting to show for it lol

So what would you like to see Reader do next?

Tumblr User ==> Leave A Suggestion

Dividers by @strangergraphics

[tansyuduri]

Top Ten TV

Rules: Game: Add 10 gifs from your favorite shows and tag 10 people.

I was tagged by @godmerlin Thank ya so much! SOO

My love! My favorite! I adore you so much! Merlin until recently was a show I would rewatch every year. THEN one of my RP servers when down for months and my mind was like HEY YOU NEED DOPAMINE KNOW THAT SHOW? It's a special intrest now. Merlin and Arthur were always my favs. But I read two merthur fanfics, realized hey this actually worked, watched the show with new eyes, decided to write a small oneshot. And then It was not a one shot, And then there was a sequal and a prequal... then I was writing more stuff! This show showed me I could write again after a long time thinking I could not.

My second favoirite show is Avatar the Last Airbender I guess and my fav character is actually Aang. I like his nonconfrontationalness I kinda also have that trait and you do not often see it in fiction.

(Now from here on out they don't really have an order?

I really like the show The Tudors. I don't require historical accuricy in shows about the time period that is a special interst to me. I can enjoy the shows seperatly and be like that did not happen! But the tudors is weard because it is very much NOT historicaluy accurate as a whole but somtimes, Dialouge and scenes are pretty much ripped from the firsthand acounts of the period. This is also the show were both Natalie Dormer and Henry Cavill got their start. Fun fact Katie McGrath was actually working on costume design on this show and someone told her she should try acting. She got a very small role in the show then went on to land Morgana in Merlin. ALSO this show makes me cry so MUCH

I didn't get into Shadow and Bone on my first try. After season two aired I tried is again with a freind of mine and loved it. I'm so upset it was canceled!

With Brigerton I actually started with the Spin off Queen Charlotte (I'm counting spin offs and their original show as the same show usually so I can have more shoes listed here WHEEEE.) Anyhoo Queen Charlotte won me over with it having a romantic male lead with mental Ilness. and I enjoyed it! So I watched Brigerton too. Eloise is pretty much teenage me.

The boys and Gen V got me with its plot and commantary on American society. Alright it kinda helps that I've never really liked the idea of super heros. This is pretty much the only superhero media I consume along with one animated show my sister had me watch once. My favorite from the original Series is Hughie and my fav from Gev V is Jordan.

Okay so yeah! Dr Who. I stopped watching shortly after 11 left and came back for 14 and 15. My fav doctors are 11 and 15 so far! I adore Martha and Donna the best.

So The Last Kingdom was a show that my freind really liked and we watched together. I hated Uhtred in season 1 but came to enjoy him later. I LOVED These two in the gif, I WAS HERE FOR THEM SHIPPING THEM IN THE LAST SEASON. You know how that turned out if you watch the show. I have never hated on a character as much as I did on a certain king. THEM. <3

I am very much enjoying House Of The Dragon. I was a GOT fan until the end season even if it started going downhil before that. No I am not team black or team green. I can see both viewpoints. So I'm just here to watch people freak out over it. And enjoy it myself. And Cheer for Healana while waiting in dred due to having read the book it's based on. I'm upset the seem to have gotten rid of Nettles though.

Derry Girls is the show on this list I watched most recently. I did not really like the first episode but from there I adored them all. Clare and Orla are my Favs. But the entire cast is great.

@shana-rosee @tiny-and-witchyn @poisonedfate @theroundbartable @247merthur

@saurix5 @akelafang @kairenn-n @kadenemrys @pendragonsclotpole

[hit-song-showdown]

Year-End Poll #53: 2002

[Image description: a collage of photos of the 10 musicians and musical groups featured in this poll. In order from left to right, top to bottom: Nickelback, Ashanti, Nelly, Nelly and Kelly Rowland, The Calling, Vanessa Carlton, Linkin Park, Fat Joe, Usher, Puddle of Mudd. End description]

More information about this blog here

We're starting to see post-grunge start to take the place of alternative rock in the pop charts, with the rising popularity of Nickelback, The Calling, Puddle of Mudd, Creed, 3 Doors Down, and other similar acts. Despite the immense popularity (or perhaps because of it), post-grunge continues to be a controversial label among rock listeners for the genre's tendency to favor pop-friendly melodies and "simpler" subject matters.

Speaking of controversial rock subgenres, this year also contains a single from one of the best-selling debut records at the time (going 12 times Platinum), Linkin Park's In the End off the album Hybrid Theory. And with that (or parallel to that) came the rise of nu metal and rap metal in the mainstream. It's notable because, at least not since glam metal in the 80's, there hadn't been a subgenre of metal that really blew up with mainstream non-metal audiences to the point where it came to define that moment in time for many. (I know Metallica was able to spread past the confines of genre listeners, but that didn't really lead to a thrash or heavy metal craze among people who wouldn't have already been predispositioned to listen to it).

Nu metal is also incredibly fascinating to me personally because it really shows how "genre" can differ whether you're approaching it from a music-listening perspective or a marketing one. If I had to boil "nu metal" down to a simple set of characteristics, it would be "a subgenre of metal that favors shorter runtimes, takes heavy influences from hip-hop sound and culture, and is often associated with the early 2000s". But if you asked marketing teams at the time, "nu metal" would probably be defined as, "the popular rock music we can't market to the alternative rock crowd". That could be why, to this day, you often see bands like Linkin Park, Korn, Limp Bizkit, Staind, System of a Down, and even Evanescence lumped together under the descriptor, even though I think they don't all have much in common other than the time period, song length, and popularity. If you're marketing on the radio, it makes more sense to squish them together instead of trying to split hairs over subgenres. Only a few (and by "few" I mean "one") of these artists I've listed will be featured in future polls, but I wanted to ramble about this anyway.

Anyway, despite the immense amount of money brought in by albums like Hybrid Theory, the record industry was still scrambling to find ways to get people to pay for music again. In 2002, Nokia released the first polyphonic ringtone, which allowed the phone to play several notes at once. With cellphones growing in popularity, this may be the solution the record industry was looking for.

[marcobodtlives]

How about a modern reincarnation AU where Jean's at a pretty horrible point in his life and that's the time he meets Marco? Because, canonically, Marco understands points about Jean that even Jean himself doesn't understand/fails to see... I just feel like it'd be a good time to Jean to meet someone who ends up understanding him and seeing his good points, allowing him to see himself and his possibilities through the eyes of someone who managed to see the real him.

Ughh I love this dynamic so much and agree 100/10. Thank you for sending it in, these kind of discussions are great and have such super character-study vibes for me!

And you’ve got a great point, because Marco’s role served Jean’s character, so of course in a reincarnation au he’d be doing the same.

The question is, what would Jean’s horrible point in life be?

Could be anything that fits the given context really, but if we’re sticking to what Marco would help best with, we can narrow it down.

1. Jean’s leadership.

2. Jean’s self confidence.

4. Jean’s home life (technically a headcanon that Marco would help with this, though we know Jean has a complex relationship with his mother).

Or if you wanna be funky we can lump them all together (which is definitely what I’ll be doing for the sake of this post 👌)

(Though I’ll list some extra lil ideas for fancy au’s at the bottom of the post, just for fun)

All beneath the cut ☺️

Let’s say they’re young - younger than 15. I’m talking OVA A Sudden Visitor flashback young.

Jean has had a sheltered childhood so far, he lives in Trost and everyone knows Trost is well-off. His mother is doting, caring, and incredibly loving of her only child. (We know nothing about his father, just that he has one).

Jean gets picked on as a kid, potentially because he’s so sheltered and insecure. He loves his mum, he turns to her for support, but he’s still sheltered enough that being bullied takes its toll pretty seriously.

He has no self confidence, he’s a home-body, he hates change. So jumping between grades is probably a horrific period of life for him.

That’s where Marco comes in.

Marco is gentle, kind to everyone, and empathetic. He’s probably fairly popular, too (because everyone loves the easy-on-the-eyes, kindhearted, sunshine character that floats around school like a goddamn angel).

Jean feels like Marco is one of his first friends - potentially even the only kid who doesn’t ridicule him (or avidly avoid him because he’s perpetually scowling).

Jean latches onto Marco pretty hard and pretty fast. Marco doesn’t mind in the slightest.

Marco does mind that Jean consistently picks being alone over being around others. He minds that Jean has no self-confidence. He hates that someone so fragile can slip beneath the waves and get lost when they deserve to be seen.

Marco can tell a few things about Jean that Jean himself obviously hasn’t recognised yet.

Marco knows Jean has a proclivity for doing the right thing. The moral thing. He’s noticed the effort Jean puts into the things he secretly enjoys (art, cooking, etc.). He’s noticed that Jean also has little-to-no confidence in himself or his skills.

Nobody gets to see Jean’s sketchbook, and when they do, he doesn’t believe compliments, and he carries insults like a burden for years to come.

Jean is shy, he’s unsure of himself, and he runs away from problems rather than facing them (because he doesn’t think he can face them).

Marco dedicates himself to changing that.

Marco makes effort to show Jean what he loves about him. Marco smiles at him when they cross paths, he offers physical affection like he’s noticed Jean seeks from his mother, he tells Jean he’s worth something. He matters.

And Jean… he doesn’t know how to handle it.

Jean’s image of himself is worlds away from how Marco sees him.

But Jean likes Marco. Jean trusts Marco. So, compliments begin to make him flush pink rather than assume someone is lying to him for a laugh. He begins hesitantly showing off what he’s worked hard on. He starts taking little steps forward under Marco’s guiding hand.

Marco is the reason Jean strives to make more of his art. Marco is the reason he comes out of his shell - the reason he’s able to meet Conny and Sasha and not run for the hills when he’s affronted with social interaction.

Marco is the first person that makes Jean think more of himself. Marco is the reason Jean stops hiding himself away like he’s something to be seen and not heard.

Marco changes Jean fundamentally, and Jean suddenly isn’t too scared to admit that Marco has lodged his way inside Jean’s little fractured heart.

Marco rebuilds Jean’s confidence piece by piece, sculpting and encouraging like he’s Ymir and Jean is a titan made from sand.

Marco is why we get this progression:

Insecure child…

Cocky (but loveable) teen…

Refined adult, capable of serious leadership

Alternatively, some lil ideas for similar au’s could be:

- Marco helping Jean come out.

- Marco helping Jean pursue dreams he had previously found ‘unrealistic’ (like art school!)

- Marco helping Jean through an illness or injury that leaves Jean thinking he’s damaged irreparably in some way.

- Marco helping Jean out of a dangerous situation he doesn’t have the faith to abandon (religion, family, bad relationship, dead-end job, etc.).

So many things!

[dollsonmain]

I deleted most of the posts about yesterday because I noticed I was kind of in a panic and wasn't being kind at all (I usually keep that kind of thing to my whining blog), but I'll make one post (this is a compulsion to be accountable, it's not like I think anyone needs to hear this), and get all of it in one place.

Yes, this is about the door sweep, but it's also about living with That Guy.

So the door sweep shredded and needed replaced. At some point it got to where it was difficult to close the door, too. I thought that was because of the door sweep, but now I'm thinking it was because the frame piece that the hinges are screwed into is cracking.

I did some measurements as well as I could, ordered a new sweep online, and it doesn't fit. Not only does it overlap the kickplate on the door, but there is too much material in the flaps on the bottom to fit into the gap.

We had to take the door down to remove the old sweep, destroying it in the process. I told That Guy how to take the door down without stripping the hinge screws and he said that was stupid, we would unscrew the hinges instead.

I did get a little validation when the instructions for the door sweeps all said to remove the pins instead of unscrewing the hinges

That Guy won't permit the kick plate being removed and that area being painted over, so that sweep can't be used there at all and will be taken down to the basement where we can use it.

He also can't handle when things don't go exactly his way the first time every time, so he was throwing a tantrum the whole time, which is the opposite of helping.

We ran to the store to get another sweep, taking the old one with us. I compared it to the ones there, showed him, picked one, and we brought it home.

At this point he's tantruming about spending money. He does that. HE has spent $10 so far.

Part of his tantruming is pedantry and deliberately being obtuse about how people are talking. Like, if I say "Let's try putting the old one back on." even though we've been discussing and fighting with door sweeps all day, he sneers and asks THE.OLD.WHAT. It's a problem I've had with him for a long time and a way he tries to enforce control when he's having an anxiety spike because things aren't going his way. I call it The Script.

The door wouldn't close with that one on, either. I was convinced it would fit but with closer inspection discovered that the flanges for the kerf channels on the old sweep were 1in apart and on the new one was 7/8in. 7/8in is the current standard (our house is over 20 years old), so most listings online don't even note that measurement.

With the flanges being in the wrong place, the sweep can't be installed flush with the door, and the door can't close.

All this time, I did NOT want That Guy "helping" because every time he "helps" it goes the same. He makes a 20 minute job take hours on end. But I couldn't get the heavy door up and down myself.

He also says everything I research and everything I KNOW is wrong and stupid, and that's infuriating. That treatment by him makes it really hard for me to keep being kind about his anxiety about change and I do often fail to keep it up.

At one point he tried to force the door closed with the second sweep, causing the board the hinges screw into to crack more.

We've had to take the door off and on a few times, and that proved to him that he's gotten physically weak, which pissed him off, which exacerbated the tantrum.

He's decided it's my fault that the hinge screws are now loose.

Either way, right now there is no sweep on the front door and it's periodically popping loudly now and then.

Now.

The real reason I wanted to make this post, the whole accountability compulsion, is to say that yeah, I'm the reason there's no sweep on the front door right now.

I'm aware that I tend to scramble to not take the blame when something happens. That Guy has a habit of blaming me for literally everything that happens even when he's the only one involved. It's always my fault somehow.

However, I have no problem admitting when I was actually wrong.

I also have no problem admitting that I am destructive. Often, me fixing something involves a lot of destruction, first. I have destroyed things in an attempt to fix them.

I saw the problem, took some measurements, didn't get all of those measurements right because I didn't know there were two more measurements than I had taken that were needed.

Yes, I looked it up. No, the places I looked didn't mention those measurements for some reason (the size of the gap, which is really important, and the spacing between the flanges because I didn't eve know how this thing was attached before taking the door down), likely because they were all assuming the doors people were researching for were in the current standard, until I found that video later by the older man

which also re-validated me saying that to take the door down the hinge pins should be removed but proof doesn't matter with a narcissist.

I plowed ahead because if you ask That Guy to change anything, even if it's to change something on the house that's falling apart, if it costs any money he says no so I have to just do things without asking or including him in the process to keep the house in one piece.

I did measure insufficiently, and I did destroy the old sweep removing it (though that tends to happen when an old kerf sweep is removed).

I do not take the blame for the door hinge screws being loose. If we had taken the door down the way I said to instead of the way That Guy decided is right while knowing literally nothing about construction, the screws wouldn't have been touched. If the board they are screwed into hadn't already been cracked, they wouldn't be loose. He decided it's my fault for using too much torque on our very low-powered electric drill, when I didn't use nearly as much force as a construction worker does, it's a low-powered drill, and I would have used a manual screwdriver but he decided we'd use the electric and he unscrewed it the first time.

So. I will take the blame when it is mine but I will go to great lengths to not take it when it isn't because I've been blamed for literally everything wrong whether it's my fault or not for so long and I'm tired of it.

[inkribbon796]

Egotober 2023 Day 20: The Musician's Apprentice

Summary: Nate has a great idea, with unfortunately some bad timing.

Prompt: Music

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31

Nathan Sharp essentially had two homes. His actual house in Gainesville and then the open road whenever he did his yearly tour. Mostly he toured, even for a little bit, to keep his “friend” fed and out of trouble.

Mare, the demon who was in lockstep with Nate and his musical career. A symbiotic relationship. And also the reason that Nate was banned from the country of Ireland, because if Mare and Anti were in the same city for a prolonged period of time people died and houses burned.

So Nate was on a strict no fly list to the entire country, even though Anti could find Nate and Mare whenever. But Nate didn’t make the rules, he only suffered under them.

He was on his way home when he called Bing, he’d done a bit of thinking over the last year or so.

Nate texted Bing. “Got a moment?”

Bing was slower to text back than usual. “Yeah, what’s up, dude?”

“Wanna talk about someone, would rather do it without a paper trail.”

Nate got his luggage into his home, and got his dog all excited when Bing appeared into his house through his laptop.

Nate jumped, his dog barked.

“Glad you’re back,” Bing said.

After Nate calmed his racing heart, he sat down. “Yeah, thanks. We gotta talk about something.”

“We do,” Bing said.

“I want to take on an apprentice,” Nate said.

Bing clapped his hands in front of his face once. “You’ve got the worst timing. Who and where are they?”

“They’re the kid of a friend of mine, got the best gift I’ve probably ever seen,” Nate said.

Bing took a deep breath, “Dark is on a rampage in Egoton, he is reacting to Marvin moving here. And you are giving me a second apprentice to worry about.”

“Shit,” Nate said, wiping his hand down his face. “Does it make it better or worse that his gift is very visual and I’m not the only one who’s spotted it.”

“Take me to the kid, we’ll go from there,” Bing said.

Nate rolled his eyes, grabbed his phone and his dog and on the way texted his friend what was going on and to meet him at a secluded park.

Bing shot into the driver’s seat of Nate’s car as he started the car. Nate tried not to jump, failed, and started the car. He turned some music on.

“Heard the Coalition has some apprentices,” Nate said.

“Well, a bunch of us had ‘em for a while. We only got around to breaking it to Silver.”

“You got one, some science guy? He’ll play nice with mine.” Nate said.

“Yep, Logic, he’s great, if he tries to tell you he’s a reformed criminal, don’t believe him, it was minor eco-terrorism,” Bing had the gall to smile at him as he said it.

“How much are we talking?” Nate asked.

“Not much,” Bing said. “Great kid, smart kid, trying to get him off crime before Google and Dark scoop him up.”

“Alright then,” Nate said. “Should be fun, Mare will love the guy then.”

They got to the park and Nate introduced him to his friend, and his sixteen-year-old son Thomas.

Nate liked Thomas, he was a bit excited.

Bing seemed to like him too but to Nate it always seemed like Bing regarded most humans with lukewarm acceptance. He was never too upset or too enthused.

Thomas loved seeing his dog again and Nate’s dog loved being outside with people.

Thomas was naturally excited to meet Bing, and after some pleasantries started up a little song from a play he was practicing for school. After a little warm up, the park around the warped and changed to look like a setting from the musical number. Even Bing was watching it happen, which Nate hadn’t been sure would happen. Bing and Google were naturally resistant to visual and auditory illusions.

As Thomas sang and performed Nate watched a slowly growing look of dread creep up on Bing’s face as he stared more and more intently at Thomas.

The song ended, Nate and Thomas’s father clapped.

Bing stared before saying, “Okay, if it was up to me, you’re basically hired. We’ll talk about a suit, I’ll talk to Jackie and Silver.”

“Really?” Thomas said.

“You’re too dangerous to let Dark, or worse Deceit, just scoop you up,” Bing said.

“Oh, I don’t want to work with them,” Thomas said.

“Perfect, come up with a name, I’ll see about a costume,” Bing said and then looked at his dad. “And you need to sign and look at some forms. I’ll have Silver, Jackie, and Nate send them to you.”

“Yeah, I’ll read over those,” Thomas’s dad said.

Bing was pleasant enough but when Nate went to leave he looked a lot less pleasant. “I think I know how Silver feels now, you’ve made me an actual branch leader.”

“You’re welcome, how much is Silver going to hate this?” Nate sighed.

“Oh very,” Bing had a laugh in his voice, “he’s going to be pissed, but I’ll talk with him. It’ll be fine. Besides, a friend should keep Logic out of trouble.”

Nate got a text message and smiled when he read it. “Iridescence. He’s already picked a name.”

Bing smiled back. “Oh, he’ll fit in.

Bing left at that point and Nate went home to finally relax before Silver would figure out what was going on and call him.

[candied-cae]

And Who Are We At The End Of The World? - Time Flies Until It Hits The Fan

Chapter 20/? - - - Read it on AO3

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20]

Word Count: 10,048

Summary: Over the next few weeks, things start adjusting. Eddie and Nancy get together to plan how he'll defeat Ms. O'Donnell's Final Essay, and end up talking about some much more important things. Many different things and people across Hawkins shift around and in the end Jonathan and Nancy's relationship comes to a head.

Something has to change.

More ST Fics

-----------------------------------------------------

And time started to move on. Days passed by in faster succession than it felt like they had in the days of catching the fallout. They were in a rhythm that felt more like the normal world than anything really had. Nancy kept taking the time to stop by the Family Video most days. Always to return one tape and make her new pick from the comedy display. Never really even looking at any other genre.

It was helping, so she wasn't going to mess with the formula.

And she also had plans that following Friday.

Nancy and Eddie decided to meet in the library for their free period at the end of the day. Eddie caught up with her by her locker and they walked down to the end of the building together. A couple of pairs of eyes noticed, watching them make their way around the school. They were the writer of a major news story and the subject of said story, they all couldn't help but be intrigued by what those two were up to again.

Even the librarian made a bit of a face when he saw them enter side-by-side and mark off one of the study rooms on the check-in sheet. But they didn't really mind much. The two of them just went ahead and tucked into the privacy of a door and four walls, shuttering the blinds down over the window, and took their seats around the circular table.

Eddie started unpacking stuff from his bag and Nancy did the same. He pulled out a report card and a list of assignments he put together. Nancy got herself a spiral notebook and pen, ready to make notes and get a course of action set up.

They looked over his grades together. Most of which were pretty good, with various B's, a couple C's, and even an A- with the drama teacher. Well, pretty good grades except for the bane of his existence. Ms. O'Donnell's English Lit. Which currently sat with a D. Technically, it was barely passing. But if the final didn't hold that grade there, or higher, it was going to end his year as a fail in the grade books. Again.

It was probably a sore spot, but they needed to address that hurdle head-on.

Nancy blew out some air between her lips, twiddling the pen between her fingers, and tried to say it gently,“ So, why haven’t you passed it yet?”

She wasn't being judgy. She wasn't being mean. She just needed to know what the difficulty was and what was getting in his way if they were going to draw up a battle plan together. She needed to know what was going on so they could deal with it.

Eddie leaned back in his seat. Might've been avoiding eye contact for a moment.

“Cause she keeps failing me. Thought that was pretty obvious.”

“Okay, fine, but why? If you do the assignments well enough then she’d have no choice but to pass you, even if she doesn't want to. Otherwise, you would've had grounds to report it to the principal and gotten her grades overruled.” she reasoned. “But you didn't do that. So? What is it?”

“I don’t.”

Which was a pretty nothing statement.

“Don't what?” she pushed for more clarity.

“Don't do the assignments well enough.”

Nancy's head fell to the side,“ Why?”

“Not smart enough?” He crossed his arms around himself tighter. “Next question.”

But she just frowned at the idea. It didn't add up, and she wouldn't be fooled.

“Nope. No way am I buying that.”

That got him to look at her. “Excuse me?” he blinked.

“You’re excused,” she said, a little patronizingly. He might've laughed if he wasn't confused.

“No, what do you mean by 'you’re not buying that’?”

“I’m not.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re smart.”

And she said it like it was the obvious conclusion to draw.

Eddie just raised his eyebrows and asked,“ Do I look like a mirror to you, Wheeler?”

She rolled her eyes. And for a second, Eddie thought he was going to get a chuckle out of her. But she sat there with a serious face. Focused on making her point.

“Eddie, I have heard your vocabulary. I know that you’re an avid reader who plays an instrument. You manage those DnD sessions in both the planning ahead of time and improvising as it runs. You’re headstrong and a creative problem solver. All of which are things that point to you being very smart. So I'm really struggling to believe an essay you tried on wouldn’t be good enough.”

She leveled him pretty quickly, all things considered. Eddie almost felt like he'd just been made a subject of Nancy Wheeler's journalistic investigation for a second time.

“And I just saw your other grades, not a minefield of F's like you made it out to be. So, what is it? Do you just not try on your finals for her out of spite or something?”

“No.”

“Because I'd get that. Might say it's a little self-sabotage-y and immature. But I'd get it. And that's something we can decide to not let you do this time around-”

“I tried,” he answered honestly.

“Then what happened? I’d get that maybe the first time through, it might’ve been really hard, but if you tried on the last essay knowing what to expect then I don’t understand how you couldn’t-”

“I didn’t turn it in,” he said abruptly.

And that was certainly an answer.

Nancy got quieter when she asked,“ What?”

“I tried really hard on the last one. I spent weeks on her final essay. And then I… I didn’t turn it in.”

“Why not?”

There was this hesitation. Eddie looked at his hands. At the black painted fingernails Robin and El left him with. At the chipped-off flecks that had occurred during the usual wear and tear of his day not being gentle with his hands. Little pale pink spots of his skin showed through. He brought his thumb to the edge of the lacquer on a forefinger and started to pick at it.

“My first senior year wasn’t a good one.” he eventually said, keeping his eyes stuck on the task he'd set,” I didn't focus and blew a lot of it off. There was more than one class I needed to improve my grade in to graduate. But the last assignment I did that year was Mrs. O’Donnell’s essay. I wrote a paper and it wasn’t good, I'll admit that. I pushed it off because I got mad every time I tried to do it, so it became a rush job at the last minute. Whatever.”

Eddie shook his head. His hair moved around his head as he did. Catching on his shoulders and crowding in further around his face. Closing him in. And Nancy watched him carefully. Her eyes studied the guy sitting next to her. She could tell there was more to say. So she waited for him.

He took a deep breath. Puffed out his lungs like he was winding up to bite the bullet.

“But after I turned it in, before the bell rang for me to go to my next class, I got called to the principal’s office. Um-” he bit his lip,” They called to tell me that… that my dad died.”

Nancy immediately felt terrible. Her stomach dropped and her mouth fell open,” Eddie, I-”

There was a hurt sort of laugh that came from him. Just a defeated huff in the face of what he was saying. What he was remembering.

“It wasn’t so seriously sad like how I think losing your dad is supposed to hit you.” he clarified,” I mean, he was practically a stranger to me, so it mostly just made me feel numb-” he swallowed hard,” And weird. They let me take the rest of the day off to go home. I did. Took a couple of them off. And I don’t know- I just- Later, when I came back to class, I had failed the essay. So I just didn’t turn anything else in after that. In any of my classes. I guess I kind of just gave up on all of it.”

“That’s when I started buying off Reefer Rick more. And that summer, after the rest of my class graduated without me, was when I started dealing for him. I decided it was my best bet to have any cash and something to do. And that fall, I wanted to graduate. I really wanted out. I tried harder during the school year. Did fine enough in all the other classes. But always with Ms. O’Donnell… Every time I sat in her classroom, I’d remember ‘Here’s where I was the last time I thought my dad was alive.’ I didn’t focus well. Always got high at lunch right before I went in. And still, I told myself I was going to write a killer essay and pass enough to get out of there. I worked so hard on it. And when I tried to hand it in… I just froze.”

Eddie's fingers stopped moving. He wasn't casting little specks of nail polish onto the carpet anymore. He was just clenching his hands together, tightly. Looking at nothing and seeing everything that Nancy didn't.

His voice sounded so vacant as he remembered,“ And I thought ‘What if it’s not good enough again? What if I turn in another bad essay and something worse happens this year? What if I lose Wayne?’ And…”

Eddie's voice hitched. He looked up into Nancy's eyes after the sentence broke in his throat. For the first time since he got started, she could see what was happening in those deep browns. He wasn't full-on crying, but there were tears sitting on the edge. Just enough to communicate a kind of pain and fear that was all too real.

“And I know that’s stupid,” he explained. ”Some essay doesn’t decide whether or not people live or die, I know that. But, then she got to my desk. To the kid who failed last year, to the kid who never paid attention to her lessons, who came in faded the whole semester, who everyone assumed was going to turn out just like his dad, in and out of prison until he died, locked up and alone- And she asked if I did the assignment. And I had started pulling it out before she got there because I thought I was going to be fine, but when she said that I shoved the paper back in my bag. Said ‘No. I didn’t.’ and I walked right out in the middle of class. Didn't even get in my van, I just kept walking till I was off school grounds. ”

“Eddie…” she wasn't sure what else to say.

Maybe, if she didn’t know any better, she’d have started mindlessly blabbing a dozen I’m-so-sorrys. Maybe she'd have cried a bucket of sympathy tears because his tragedy was so hard for her to hear. Maybe Nancy would've wrapped him in a hug and told him it was going to be alright.

A promise she was in no position to make.

But Nancy knew better. Maybe not exactly how it felt to lose a semi-estranged father. But she knew how it felt to be living your life and suddenly the whole ground has fallen out from under your feet because someone you loved died, scared and alone, while you didn’t know any better. She knew that part. She knew how it took her over in the strangest ways she never anticipated.

And so, she didn’t know what to say. Because, to that day, Nancy still didn’t know what she wanted to hear after Barb died. She could never figure out that part. What words could have possibly made it hurt even a little bit less? She still had no idea what they might've been.

Eddie just tried to blink away his misty eyes,“ Anyway. That’s the big story. That’s why I’m still here.”

He pulled on a smile. A pretty insincere looking one. The kind a person wears to make sure no one talks about it. To change the subject and move on.

Nancy recognized it pretty well.

“Do you still have the other essay?” she asked him instead.

Giving him what he asked for without words. Hoping he could see that she was more than happy to follow him if he wanted to talk about it. But it didn't feel like he wanted to unpack anymore in one of the library study rooms.

“Heh, no. I dropped it in a burn pile at the trailer park on my way home.” he admitted, until it looked like an idea came to him,“ But, I do still have the notebook I worked on it in… and the rough draft… probably.”

“Okay. Then it’s a deal. Next time we meet, you are going to bring me that notebook and we’re going to remake the amazing essay you should’ve turned in last year, and we’ll work through the other few assignments she might dole out between now and then. And then you’re going to graduate. With the rest of us, Class of '86-ers.” Nancy said with pride.

Eddie commented,“ You’ve got a lot of faith for a paper you didn’t even read the last attempt on.”

“What can I say?” she shrugged,” I believe in you, Eddie Munson.”

“Nancy Wheeler…” he looked at her like she was a divine blessing,” You’re an enigma, you know that?” Eddie wiped at his eyes some, trying to get them back to normal,” I can’t believe I just spilled all of that to you. I do not talk to people about my dad. Like, ever. Blegh. That was weird.”

Nancy just smiled. She reached out with her elbow and bumped his. “It’s what comes when you face hell together with someone. You end up sharing some of the other fucked up stuff about your lives too.”

Eddie smiled back at her. More real that time. And then the school bell rang over the intercom system. Students were officially let out. The two of them started packing up their things. Slipping the straps of their bags over their shoulders. Nancy was just reaching to pull out her car keys when an idea came to her.

“Are you doing anything later?”

Eddie thought for a moment,“ Corroded Coffin's got a band rehearsal tomorrow, but, no, nothing today. Why?”

“Then, how would you like a little trip to the Wheeler's? Don't have to stay for dinner - I wouldn't recommend for anyone who doesn't have to, sit there and deal with Ted Wheeler's table manners - but there's absolutely snacks in it for you before then.”

And Eddie’s eyes shone with another smile. “Sounds like another great deal. I think I'll take you up on that, Nan.”

“Ew, what am I, your grandmother?”

“I’m just trying something new! Now that we’ve leveled up our friendship with some tears at the library.”

It didn't take long for them to make it out of the school and get on the road, most of the students waited around on Fridays making plans before they took off. So Nancy got into the station wagon and, once he was behind her, Eddie followed her on the way over. Leading him right up to the Wheeler's front door. Eddie was let into the home with a warm welcome from Nancy's mother. Karen hung her head from the kitchen when they came in. An expression of surprise painted over her face when she realized it wasn't Mike trailing behind his older sister into the living room.

“Oh. Hello, Eddie.”

“Hello, Mrs. Wheeler.”

She wasn't too worried. Ever since Will and El got back to town, Mike and the others have been riding his bike to and from school most days again versus stowing away in Nancy's passenger seat. Plus, it was nice seeing Nancy bring someone by the house after school again. That hasn't really happened since…

Nancy quickly made for the pantry,“ We're just gonna grab some snacks and head upstairs.”

“Okay.” Karen nodded softly. Mentally hoping not to spook Nancy or her guest off. Seeing as it was something she's just got the nerve to have again. “I take it all the boys and El are back helping at the Cabin again?”

“Probably. They were all by the bike racks when we got out. Waved when I pulled away and everything.”

“Alright. Just keep an ear out if Mike needs to get picked up later.”

“Got it.” Nancy already had some treats stacked up in her arms when she turned around to ask,” Are there any brownies left?”

Karen motioned to the nearly empty container on the oven top,“ Just the corner pieces.”

“Score. I will take that one.” Eddie delightedly remarked.

“Oh? Finally, we've found someone that won't turn their nose up at the extra chewy edges.”

“Absolutely not.” he assured her,” The corners have always been my favorites.”

“Alright then. You've just earned yourself a standing invitation whenever I need help clearing leftovers. What else do you eat?” Karen started.

But Nancy dropped the items from her hands into Eddie's and then got him turned around. Started pushing him back towards the stairs. She excused them over her shoulder as they made their way up,“ We just came from the library essay planning, can't lose this momentum, Mom.”

“Okay, okay. You're free to go. Just keep it down, I'm expecting a phone call from Mrs. Peterson in a bit.”

“Got it.”

The two newfound pals shuffled up the staircase and into the second-floor hall. Nancy ushered Eddie to her door like they had anything to really be running from. He was laughing a little at her dramatics when they got inside. Spilling the sweets and salty morsels onto her bed, watching the soda cans bounce off the softness of it and crinkle against the plastic bags.

Eddie was the last one to see it, now that it was finally his turn to look upon the room. Well, the 1986, right-side-up version. He saw the 1983 upside-down one already. But that had, of course, been outdated and covered in dust and decay.

The one in the real world was remarkably nicer to look at. There were still frilly curtains and pink all over, but she also had a Tom Cruise poster and Blondie cassettes, and a shoebox with two handguns in the closet he was privy to.

Night and day, in some of the strangest ways.

It wasn't only Eddie's first time in Nancy Wheeler's real bedroom, it was actually his first time in any girl's bedroom.

Getting into one had never been a focus of his before. And it wasn't even then, not in the way most boys meant it. But Eddie wasn't most boys. Just like Nancy wasn't most girls.

They'd talked for a little while. On and on about nothing really. Nothing really important or deeply cutting. Just the smaller, surface-level things. Eddie's favorite color was red, and despite present appearances, Nancy's was blue. But more like a powder blue than a cobalt, she specified. Eddie said he liked his reds more ruby than orange-ish.

He asked how much she really liked Top Gun to have sprung for the poster for it. She laughed so hard she snorted. Her hand flew to her face to cover her nose and he just pushed and pushed. She threatened to break into what was left of his room so she could make fun of whatever posters he had on his wall. He might've begged her not to, while also insisting he had nothing that was possible to make fun of. Because all his stuff was cool. Even if people didn't get it, they just weren't cool enough for it.

That would've been his defense if she took him up on the challenge anyway.

He'd looked at this little, plush thing she had hanging on the wall. Like a girly kind of corkboard to pin and hang stuff off of. With fabric and ribbons on it to make it pretty. And it held up pictures and handwritten notes. Sentimental stuff.

She'd followed his eyes. Seen it. Knew what sort of stuff used to be presented on it. Until she took them down and tucked them safely into her bedside drawer because it got too hard to look at all the time.

The energy shifted in the room when Nancy abruptly said,” Barb was my best friend, you know.”

Truth be told, Eddie didn't really know. He barely knew Nancy until his life went to hell. He noticed years before that a boy went missing, and then a girl went missing, and the boy came back, and the girl didn't. He knew that about a year later all that news about government experiments and cover-up came from their very backyard. He'd heard that the missing girl became a dead girl because of it. But he didn't really know much beyond that.

Wasn't wrapped up in much of Barbara Holland's business before.

Didn't know who her best friend was, or that he'd come to know her pretty well himself.

“Yeah?” he offered anyway. He didn't know, but she could tell him about it.

“Yeah. She died back when everything started.” She swallowed hard. Curled her fingers into a fist. “I didn't find out anything was wrong until the next day. And even then, nobody wanted to listen to me. It drove me crazy.”

It sounded heartbreaking. “I can only imagine,” he told her.

“But even after, months after, I went sort of off the rails in my own way sometimes too.” And he started to see where she was going with it. “I thought I saw her sometimes. Like out of the corner of my eyes, around the halls at school. If I looked at the back of Ellen Brady's head too long. They sort of had the same hair. Went to a party and tried a little too hard to pretend I was okay.”

She sort of knew what it was like. Losing someone all of a sudden. Having trouble getting back to “life as usual.” And she was telling him that she got it a little.

“Yeah. Happens to the best of us, I guess. Can't see it coming, and then it does and…”

He didn't really finish the thought. Wasn't even quite sure where it was going. But Nancy picked back up. Seeming to know more of what she wanted to say than he did.

“Only happens sometimes to me, though. Never long enough to get stuck.” She sympathized,“ I never really found myself lucky for handling it as well as it did to stay on track with school, at least. I was always so focused on the hurting part.”

“Well, that's probably because it hurts. A lot. And often.” Eddie's eyes darkened as he looked away,“ And it's lonely.”

Nancy held her attention on him. On his bouncing knee. Like Mike did when he was thinking too much.

She agreed,“ It is. Because no one else really got it. No one cared about Barb like I did. And Will came back for Mike. No one around me ever lost a friend like that. So I was just… alone. Feeling it.”

“I was serious when I said I never talk about my dad with people. I'm not sure if most of my friends even knew he was ever in prison. And I didn't say anything after he died. I was just… fucked up all of a sudden. And that was that.”

He looked back at her. It wasn't the same in that way for Nancy and she knew it.

“Everyone knew something was up with Barb. And the people in the know knew what actually happened. I felt like I was always surrounded by it, and under an NDA so I wasn't supposed to talk about it, but I needed to. Or wanted to. Or just wanted to not need to.”

Eddie just watched her. He could see there was something else brewing under her skin. Something she was getting to that must torture her all the time. Even still.

“And that felt impossible,” she admitted,” But the worst part was probably that we had been so close, and then… we started to get some distance. There were disagreements and tension and not-quite-fights. Walking away. I told her to leave. And then she was actually gone.”

Ah. The regret. The kind that was way worse than not appreciating enough. It felt like not appreciating at all. Even though they did. They did appreciate their people in some ways. But life happens. Things change and feelings get coiled up into infuriating knots. And then people die. At seemingly the worst time. Right before a reconciliation could've happened. Should've happened.

It sparked a memory in him.

“The last time my dad went in… I asked him if he was even trying to stay out. Asked if he preferred having an excuse and being locked up versus being out in the world and having to actually get to know me. Asked him why he and Wayne didn't just lie about which brother was my father since it would've been simpler the other way around.”

He looked back on that day often. Hated how it all shook out. Wished he was someone who could've swallowed that anger instead of spitting it out.

“And I felt like shit a while after I said it. But I didn't want to apologize because I definitely still felt some of it. So I didn't call as much as I used to. And then it wasn't an option anymore.” Eddie sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth,“ It sucks so much more to have been putting that distance in right before…”

“Yeah,” she agreed. For the first time having someone get it. Get that part that always made her feel crazy. Like a cruel, selfish bitch. “It feels like… 'Why couldn't I have at least been nice? Even if I couldn't have stopped it, couldn't I have at least been better to them? If I knew what was going to happen, I would've. I'm not a bad person who wanted to hurt them in the time they had left. I swear, I'm not.' But that's how it happened anyway.”

Eddie shook his head. “But it wasn't your fault. Teens say stupid shit and get in stupid fights. She had to know things were supposed to get better between you two. If there was just a little more time after the dust settled.”

“Same goes for you, you know. Parents know that kids get frustrated and blow up sometimes. He knew that you didn't… hate him, or anything like that. Had to know you wanted to apologize.”

“Yeah. Wayne said that kind of thing to me lots. Never really bought it though.”

“Did you guys have good memories?” Nancy cocked her head to the side. A little crease appeared between her brows after she asked. Listening. Intently.

“Most of them were messy, one way or another. This one time he 'borrowed' a neighbor's kiddie pool and didn't tell me no when I said we should put food coloring in the water. They never found out who stained it purple.” Eddie chuckled to himself, picturing it happen all over again. “And he knew the reason I wanted to start learning guitar was because of a picture I saw of him playing one by a bonfire. He bought my first one while he was out for a bit. Showed me some of the chords before he slipped up again.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It was.”

“Is.” she corrected him,” The memories aren't going anywhere.”

Eddie let the idea soak in a second before he decided,“ No. Guess they aren't.”

They kept talking after that. But, eventually, they had to get Eddie out of there before Ted got home and made a big fuss about everything. Complaining about missing corner pieces even though he was never going to eat them, it usually came down to Mike. Throw a fit at the dinner table about “unsavory company" to have under his roof. Stuff like that.

Nancy offered to let him crawl out the window and scale the gutter to get out. He just joked that he'd leave that business to her boyfriends of past and present. Went down the stairs, stopped to say goodbye to her mom and put the container in the sink, and went out the door. Got into his van and headed for the video store. There was probably someone he ought to annoy hanging around there. Even though it was later than usual.

Eddie and Nancy continued to meet up once or twice every week to tackle schoolwork and the big essay. And sometimes just to talk shit about anything and everything. They ended up getting along better than anyone had really planned for. Karen also appreciated having another set of hands around to entertain Holly sometimes before Ted got home.

Will and El enjoyed being able to go to school with their friends again. It was a lot less isolating than being in Lenora was. There was still a lot of history hanging over the both of them, which was the whole reason Joyce took them away in the first place. To get their fresh starts somewhere new. But they preferred to deal with having a history than sometimes feeling like they had no one.

The kids still visited Max's hospital room often and helped with the Hopper-Byers cabin in their free time. Everyone had their own tapes just in case of an emergency. Lucas and El even teamed up to put together Max's with the stuff she had in her bedroom. Radio sets were bought and set up at both Steve's house and the Cabin.

El was able to look for Dr. Sam. She saw him, and he wasn't dead. But she couldn't tell exactly what was going on. Most of the time she checked, he was just sitting silently in a chair. Leaned forward on a metal table. Looking at his wringing hands with a stern expression. No one around.

No talking she could listen in on.

No one really knew what to do with that. So they just tried to keep on, keeping on. Moving through the motions of what “normal” was supposed to look like. It was weird trying to pretend like everything was alright when Max was still in a coma. When they were still waiting for the end of the world to come back up.

They still hadn't found Vecna/Henry/One. Every time Will so much as felt a chill, they had El sit down and try. Blindfolds, television static, the works. But it wasn't leading anywhere.

And despite all that uncertainty and weirdness, the time passed. Progress was made.

Before they knew it, two more weeks had come and gone. And the Hopper-Byers Cabin was officially move-in ready. Including the additional rooms they built off the sides to accommodate the increase in residents since the last time it was lived in. Dmitri and Mikhail even had some space, and Murray was getting thrown to the couch until their passports, IDs, and home loan signed to the United States government came through and they'd take up one of the abandoned houses in the suburbs.

As the end of April closed in, it was finally time. Everyone came together to spend the weekend getting all nine of them moved out of Steve's. A fact many of them were pretty happy about. Except for maybe Hop, when he mourned the idea that he might never get to soak in a jacuzzi tub ever again. He'd kind of liked the little bit of luxury.

And Family Video finally had three workers besides Steve and Robin. So they were able to work out a much more manageable schedule between them all. Even left Robin time to go on covert dates with Vickie pretty often. Steve took to a different use of his off hours.

Sitting in Max's hospital room.

With his house emptied out, it felt like a better way to be alone. By not actually having to be alone. Especially as the kids started getting bogged down with homework and keeping an eye out for supernatural enemies. It was good to have someone with her for part of the school day and as much after as he could.

The first night he was set to go back home alone - the Monday after all the moving - he'd been sitting at her bedside for a few hours when the nurse came to send him on his way. And going back home became a daunting thing it hadn't quite been for so many weeks. He used to always be headed somewhere to sit in silence… but that routine had been interrupted. Suddenly, he had to think about a house full of turned-off lights, no dinner warm and waiting for him, and no one to greet him when he pushed open the door.

The nurse repeated to him,” Sweetheart, we gotta get you on your way. It's like bar rules at closing time: Don't care if you're going home, but you can't stay here.” She had a kind laugh as she said it, probably made that joke more than a couple of times in her day.

But Steve just didn't have the heart to immediately get up. She tried again,” We might've been able to loosen on our hours now that things aren't so emergent, but all non-family has to be out of patient rooms by six o'clock now. And you’ve been dropping by here enough to know that.”

“I know. I just-”

He couldn't think of anything to say. To excuse why he just couldn't seem to get to his feet. And then Nurse Brown's eyes softened where they'd fixed on him. She let out a little sigh and decided to let him in on an idea.

“Tell you what, if Susan approves special permission to have you listed with family visitation privileges, I’ll file the paperwork and you can start staying later. But it won’t be tonight, so you best head on home and get you something to eat.”

“Okay. Okay, thanks.”

“Course, sweetheart.”

The next day he saw her and asked. And Susan agreed. Like it was the simplest thing to say yes to. Like there wasn’t even a doubt in her mind.

And despite one very expensive utility bill hitting the Harrington bank account, there wasn't so much as a phone call made about the fact. Either his dad didn't really read it, or he'd been away from home so long he couldn't remember what a normal amount was. Whichever way it was, Steve wasn't going to complain.

Things had… come together. Or cleaned themselves up. Mostly.

Settled into place in a temporary sort of way. Like maybe it'd all still mostly be like that after Vecna was actually dealt with. But in the meantime, they were all still in prepping mode. Not wanting to go soft and get caught with their pants down.

A little while after people got cleared out of Steve's house, the government came through for the Antonovs. Dmitri and Mikhail were given birth certificates, social security numbers, IDs, and a place to live. It wasn't right next to the Wheelers like Dmitri had joked about with Karen, but it was in that neighborhood, believe it or not. There was another round of moving efforts to get the two of them and Murray into their new sleeping quarters.

And once it seemed like all the people had gotten re-shuffled to where they were supposed to be… Joyce thought it'd be nice to have a little dinner among themselves at their cabin Monday evening. Something as a little celebration for making it through the rumble. But the invitation was also extended to Nancy.

She and Jonathan hadn't been meshing together like they used to. She's been busy, spending time with Eddie, and just seeming… different. Not wrong, just different. Jonathan's been readjusting back to going to school at Hawkins and sticking pretty close to Argyle, seeing as he was the new guy in town.

And honestly, Jonathan was starting to convince himself that he maybe didn't need to listen to Argyle. Maybe he didn't need to break up with Nancy. Maybe there was a way out of it. If they could just find a way to be boyfriend and girlfriend comfortably again, maybe he could explain that the idea of being too far away from his family made him sick. And they could figure something out, while he figured out how to be in love and be good enough again.

It wasn't quite like they were avoiding each other. They saw each other sometimes, laughed and made small talk during lunch, and studied quietly at the same table in the library. They interacted, but it felt like there was stuff going unsaid. Something being ignored and brushed over. Something that, even though they both wanted it dealt with, neither wanted to face and bring up.

They had reasons for being a little distant. “It's just been so hectic with all the finals coming up.” “We're all so stressed about how or when things are going to get worse.” “I'm just too tired to do more right now.”

Things had been sort of awkward and stilted. And as much as it seemed easier to just let it be, Nancy was at the end of her rope. She didn't like not having answers. She didn't like being in the position of trying to maintain something by walking on eggshells.

If it was ending, it just needed to end.

So, she was driving the two of them out to the cabin for dinner, and when she put the station wagon into park next to the other cars, she started trying to break up with him. To excuse herself before they went in for dinner with his family and it just became a more complicated mess.

She shut off the engine and rested her hand on the keys, but didn't pull them from the ignition.

“I don’t think this is working, Jonathan.”

She was speaking gently. Kindly and honestly. Just stating an unfortunate fact of the matter.

Jonathan sat back into the seat from where he'd started getting up. It was a little out of nowhere. Just a second before they were talking about Murray's electrical work on the cabin and hoping he knew what he was doing enough that it wouldn't accidentally trigger a forest fire one day. But what Nancy said surely wasn't related.

“What?” he asked her.

“I… I just feel like we keep going in opposite directions. And it’s not just been since California. Even at the Hawkins’ Post, we were butting against one another and just… now it seems like we can’t even talk to each other.”

Jonathan blinked at her and tried,“ We can talk to each other.”

“Can we? Because I don't feel like we have. You've been back in town for over a month now and I still feel like there's something wrong. Some rift between us. And I don't know why we're holding back, I don't know if it's just because we got so used to only talking over the phone or if it's because we're both trying not to be scared of what Vecna means for El and Will when he comes back or… if it's something else entirely?” Nancy leaned forward with a heavy breath falling from her lips,“ But I feel like there's gotta be something. Because we don't feel like we used to.”

Jonathan didn't know what to say first. That it was all his fault, that he's been hoping some switch would flip and he'd be okay again, that he's been lying and procrastinating with only Argyle's counsel telling him that he needed to be honest… That he wished he'd never let any of it go on so long because it kept making it harder to admit.

“I’m sorry.”

And Nancy's brows furrowed to hear that. “No, I don’t want your apologies. I just want to know if I’m crazy for feeling like this or if you understand where I’m coming from. If you even see it?”

His voice almost caught in his throat. Quiet and small he tried to agree,“ I see it, Nance. I-”

“Kids!” Joyce yelled from the open front door, warm light from the cabin spilling out around her into the dim evening forest surrounding them,” Supper’s ready and on the table already! Come on in before it gets cold!”

“We're all waiting!” Will's voice carried from behind her. She shot another pointed look for them to hurry up before she went back inside and closed the door.

Nancy shook her head,“ I don’t think I should-”

“Can we just make it through the dinner? And we can talk after?” Jonathan asked.

And maybe if he left it there, Nancy would've said no. She shouldn't go to dinner with his family while they're in the middle of a serious talk. Especially not one she was expecting to end in a breakup.

But then he said “Please.”

So, she argued with herself. Thought that she might as well let them have one more nice evening. One more memory for the road. And she was expected. She didn't need to embarrass him by canceling from the driveway.

Nancy decided,“ Okay. We can make it through dinner. And we'll talk after.”

She leaned over the console and pressed a kiss into Jonathan's cheek. She pulled on a thin smile and took the keys out of the ignition. He returned the small smile. Gave a curt nod.

They were in agreement.

Just make it through dinner, and they were going to figure it out after. Whichever way it would go.

The two of them went inside, greeted Hop and Joyce, El, Will, and Argyle, and joined the five of them at the table. It was a steak dinner with a wide array of homey sides, mashed potatoes, brown gravy, steamed carrots, green beans, etc. All the sort of stuff that made sense for a small dinner with something to be thankful for. It was pleasant.

They all small-talked in circles as they ate. Eventually, the topic of California came up. They were all checking with Argyle for the hundredth time that he and his parents were okay with him staying in Hawkins as long as he had. Promising over and over again that it was okay for him to go back home without seeing this whole mess through to the end with them.

He never wavered though. So Joyce smiled and gave a breathy laugh, muttering about all the apologies she'd have to make when they stopped back in Lenora at some point. Probably after they thought things are really over. And then she said something about loading up another moving van to bring all their stuff back to Hawkins. Which struck Jonathan for the first time.

They must've not talked about it, or at least not clearly enough, because he didn't realize they were moving back to Hawkins permanently. His mother just sort of snickered and agreed, yes, that's why they renovated Hop's whole cabin to fit them comfortably. But even though that made sense, the whole thing didn't.

It didn't make sense for Jon and his plans.

All of a sudden, it slipped out.

“We can't move back here, I applied to Lenora Community College so I could stay with you guys at home!”

And then the whole dinner pulled to a screeching stop.

Forks froze in people's hands, bites of food when un-chewed as that truth settled in, eyes widened and stuck on him in shock.

“What?” came from four different directions around him.

Joyce. Will. El. And, most urgently, Nancy.

Jonathan's throat immediately went dry as he realized the shit storm he just kicked up.

“What the hell?” Nancy questioned him again. Though, quickly becoming more angry than confused.

“I…”

“Jonathan, what's going on?” his mom asked seriously while she tried to understand.

Argyle looked at him with an expression that said something nicer than “I told you” and “This is going to be bad.” But Nancy's eyes were set in her hurt. In the betrayal. In the fury and rage and shock. She wiped her mouth off with her napkin before smacking it down onto the table and storming out the door. Not another word.

“Nancy,” Jonathan called after her. Getting up from his chair and following just a few seconds behind while she nearly ran to the car.

It was all such fucking bullshit.

“Leave me alone.”

“Stop. Nancy!”

She grit her teeth together with her hand on the car door handle,“ I'm serious, Jonathan. Go away.”

He didn't want it to happen like that at all. He wanted to fix it. Or soften the blow. Or just explain. He wanted to explain what happened. To tell Nancy he wasn't trying to hurt her, that he'd never try to do that.

He slowed down a few feet away and reached out for her,“ Can I please just-”

With a sharp snap, she turned to face him. Her eyes set on him hard. His hand retracted from the harsh reaction.

She only had one question for him,“ Did you even apply to Emerson?”

That one question was all she needed to decide how mad she was going to be. And when he stuttered under the pressure, not a word to defend himself from the truth, she knew. She knew she was going to be as mad as she could possibly get.

“So how many months were you - not even by omission, just straight up lying to me - telling me you were still waiting for your acceptance letter? How many times did I try to make you feel better just because I got in early admission and you 'hadn't heard back yet'? When did you decide to just drag me along even though you decided you were done being invested?”

Jonathan just looked down and uttered,“ I'm sorry.”

Nancy's lip curled in something just less than a snarl.

“I already said I don't want your apologies. I just wanted to know if I was crazy. Turns out I wasn't and you just decided you were done with me but didn't have the decency to let me know-”

He stepped forward,“ I wanted to say something, but I didn't know how to!” he was desperate to correct her assumption,” I mean, you saw it, my mom didn't even know that I… I was trying to figure it out, how to tell you without hurting you, and- and Argyle tried to tell me I just needed to do it and stop-”

“Argyle?” she scoffed,” So you two were just laughing with yourselves over how fucking clueless I had to be to just believe you this whole time, huh?”

“No! No, absolutely not-”

She cut him off,“ I don't care. And if it wasn't clear, we're done. Just leave me alone.”

With a quick yank on the car door, she climbed into the driver's seat and was backing out before Jonathan could even figure out what he would've said next if she waited.

And part of him was pissed at her for not hearing him out, like the last two and a half years of dating, and the year of friendship before that, meant nothing because of this one time he fucked up. Another part of him was pissed at Argyle for having practically warned him it would happen like this because he kept waiting. Another part was just pissed at himself for being the fault of all of it.

“Jonathan?” Joyce asked from the porch, they'd heard pretty much all of the yelling from inside,“ Can we talk about what just happened?”

But another part of him was pissed at his mom for making it all come up when she told him they were staying at Hawkins during that special dinner.

“We were going to talk after…” he whispered to himself.

Because maybe if they had gotten to have the conversation they planned on after eating, maybe it would've gone better. Maybe Nancy would've listened and maybe they would've understood each other and maybe no one would've eavesdropped on him getting dumped after being exposed as a callous liar.

“What was that?” she asked, not nearly close enough to have heard him.

“I said, no thank you.”

And Jonathan stomped off into the woods. To kick rocks, snap twigs, and be pissed at all the people he wanted to be pissed at. Alone.

Nancy was driving, but she didn't really know where she wanted to go. Tears streamed down her cheeks that she had to wipe off onto her sleeves while she went. She was at least proud that she held them in until she left. She didn't want to cry in front of Jonathan after what he did.

How could he do that to her?

All those conversations, all those plans, all those promises. Worthless. He was just walking away. And there was this speck of Nancy's brain that said “hurting a good person just like his dad did.” She was thankful it wasn't something she'd thought of to say to his face. Because she felt bad about that one as soon as she thought it.

But she was hurt. And angry. And she didn't want to go home and be hurt and angry alone. To walk past her family having a perfectly normal and boring dinner and hear her mom call after her “I thought you were going over to the Byers’ for supper?” To run up the stairs just to avoid having the answer. To sniffle into her pillow until the headache set in.

She didn't want that. She wanted to fix it because Nancy liked fixing things. But she didn't know how to fix her and Jonathan. Not like how they were after what he did.

And while she tightened her hands on the steering wheel, and wrestled with thoughts about wanting to fix something, all she came up with was something Robin said to her.

Right after it all happened, when they were waiting in the hospital together. Nancy had held Robin's hands when she was getting nervous about Steve, and then Robin held hers while she worried about Mike. And then Robin smiled and started joking trying to get her to laugh; suggesting she got back together with Steve Harrington.

Robin said,“ You might’ve not been right for one another back then, but I don’t think any two people have changed as much as you guys have.”

And, hey, maybe she had a point.

She and Jonathan just went up in flames, she didn't want to be alone, and she and Steve have changed. Maybe that was the thing she could fix. Maybe that was the next step. And even if it didn't last forever, it could last for a little bit. Just so she wasn't alone.

So Nancy got turned around at the next light, and she headed towards Loch Nora. Rolling down her window and speeding more than she should on the way. Trying to dry her face and get there before she started crying again.

When Steve heard his doorbell ring, he almost didn't answer it.

Now that he was living alone again, anybody stopping by without calling first probably had to be a Jehovah's Witness or salesman. He really didn't want to chat with either. But it was almost nine o'clock at night. That was a strange time of day for the previously mentioned sort of visitors.

So he pulled himself up from the couch and went to the front door. Making the effort of a little jog when the doorbell rang again on his way over.

“I'm comin', I'm comin',” he commented under his breath. But opening the door to see Nancy Wheeler on his doorstep was a surprise.

What was even more of a surprise was the messy hair, the bright red, glassy eyes, puffy lids, and tear-stained cheeks. He almost winced at the look of her, because Nancy doesn't look like that. Ever. But she just smiled under the clear distress and took a step forward before Steve had really even welcomed her in.

“Hi, Steve,” she said casually like she didn't know the state she was in.

“Hi, Nancy. What're- What's got you stopping by my side of town?” he asked, pulling the door back and giving her room to come the rest of the way in.

“Just… Thinking about things.” she hummed as she passed him,” About me. About you. About a combination of the two.”

“Thinking about… us?”

“Yeah. About us. And the way we used to be 'us'. Before me and Jonathan, obviously.” Nancy kept striding into the living room. Her fingers swept over the top of the hall table as she went. Hearing Steve close the door behind her instead of seeing it.

“Okay, um,” he thought and started to follow her into the house,” And- and what sort of things were you thinking about? About us?”

Nancy stopped. Waited a moment before she turned around to face him, a slight falter in her balance as she did, per all the exhaustion that was still collecting in her. But, she regained her stance. And she looked into his eyes and wondered,“ We used to have fun, didn't we?”

“Yeah… we did.” Steve studied her before he worried,” Nance, is something going on? Do you need a ride home or to crash here for the night?”

Her expression dropped. “I'm not drunk,” she told him. Almost disappointed that was the conclusion he came to out of what she was saying.

“You're just a little wobbly and-”

“I'm tired,” she brushed off and turned back around to finish making her way to his living room.

“And you're talking about us from almost three years ago-”

She abruptly told him,“ Jonathan and I broke up.”

And those words cut through the air, sharp and sudden.

“Oh.”

Steve wasn't really sure how to react. He liked them together after everything, he thought. If they were happy, it was one nice thing that came out of the Upside Down ruining a lot of people's lives. If they were happy, it was one nice thing that came out of him and Nancy breaking up.

But they weren't happy, and then they weren't together, and now Nancy was in his house talking about them and what they used to have together.

A question that kept coming at him from all directions. Something he used to think about all the time and want. And now that he's been saying for weeks that he doesn't anymore… was that really true? Did he care?

Nancy kept going, taking a seat on Steve's white couch and sinking into it, fussing with the pillow next to her,“ I broke up with him because he's been lying to me and leading me on and so, now we're nothing.”

But even if Steve Harrington did want to be with Nancy Wheeler again, that wasn't the time. She was obviously hurting and a good friend would be offering support, not thinking about what they can get out of the opportunity presented to them.

So Steve stepped up. Sat down next to her, leaving about a foot of space between their seats, and spoke earnestly to Nancy.

“I'm sorry to hear that, Nance. Did you want to talk? Or is there anything I can do-”

“I seem to remember we had a lot of fun kissing. Right, Steve?”

Steve was a bit at a loss because that wasn't really what he was getting at. And maybe that was what Nancy was getting at, but maybe not. It would be rude to assume because maybe she just really wanted to reminisce. So Steve just agreed. “Yeah. Yeah, we did that a lot. I guess. Teenagers, it's what we do.”

But then Nancy shifted herself a little closer. Leaned in a little more.

“I miss having fun with you.”

And that caused Steve some pause.

“Are you saying…?”

“I don't want to be sad about Jonathan. I just want to have fun.”

Then she was kissing him.

Nancy was kissing Steve. And despite being slightly stunned, he started kissing back. They closed their eyes and sat together in the dark of his living room. Kissing with the kind of practiced familiarity that exists when two people have done that sort of thing together before.

And it was nice.

In a way, it had to be.

It was two people who cared about each other, connecting in a way they used to.

Nancy starting to move in. Deepening the moment, making it more, and heating it up.

She broke the kiss to breathe, and in that second she whispered something.

“I love you, Steve.”

And maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Maybe she didn't have the time or clarity to think about it enough. Maybe she shouldn't have said it if she wasn't really sure. But it all broke apart because she said she didn't. So the best idea she had, in that moment while she had Steve, before she had a chance to lose him, was to say she did.

To tell him what he wanted to hear.

And Nancy got back to it. She started shrugging off the cardigan on her shoulders. Her hands separated from Steve's jaw to shake off the knit sleeves. She turned to rise and kneel on the couch. Coming up taller than Steve at that angle. And he just followed her.

They started breathing heavier, but… then Steve's eyebrows pinched together.

No.

Steve turned his face, his lips moving away from Nancy's. She started to lower, possibly planning to go for his neck when he told her,“ Nancy… I don’t think this is right.”

She shook her head, their noses almost touching with the closeness,” Come on, it’s fine. Jonathan and I broke up, so it’s-”

“No. Nancy.” Steve grabbed her by her arms and put a little distance between them,” I- I don’t think this is what I want.”

Nancy looked at him. Confused for a moment as she sat back onto her heels. Steve loosened his hold on her arms and she wondered,” But you…?”

They've been seeing each other more recently. And Robin brought it up. Was practically trying to sell Nancy on the idea before. And he caught her when she was Vecna'd, then she dove after him into Lover's Lake and patched up his injuries in the Upside Down. And he told her about all those dreams about a big family in a Winnebago. And… They broke up because Nancy didn't love him, but they'd changed so much and she just said she did. So…

Why not?

Steve took a steadying breath before he tried to explain,“ I think I thought I wanted you. But I think I just wanted to hear you say you love me again after you said you didn’t. And that's not-”

Nancy drew back,” So, this was-”

“I’m sorry-”

“No, this was just some ploy to get back at me from when I was drunk on Halloween? Really?” And it wasn't like that, but that's how it made sense to her. “Just when a girl thinks you’ve actually changed, Steve Harrington.”

That cut deep. Steve didn't want her to think of him like that, he wasn't like that. That's not what he was trying to do or let happen. He just didn't know until he did, and then he knew so he stopped it.

“That’s not what I’m saying, Nance. I just didn’t know that I-”

“That you didn’t want me. Classy.” She roughly grabbed her cardigan and stood up from the couch.

“I’m sorry-”

But Nancy was so tired of bullshit, shallow apologies.

“No, I’m sorry. My bad. I’m the stupid one.” She shook her head while she went for the door,” Screw you, Steve. Should’ve known it’d all still be bullshit.”

[ouroboobos]

i need a new fucking job lmfao. ITEMIZED LIST OF GRIEVANCES AS OF RIGHT NOW

its customer service

i make less as a manager than the starting wage at mcdonalds

theres at least two grown men with sexual harrassment complaints against them because they cant stop hitting on teenage girls

the two guys got in zero trouble and continue to be treated like perfect hardware store angels

one of them gave me a rose on valentines day and kept trying to give me rides

theres a completely seperate third man in his 60s who continually makes comments about my body and touches me and tried to give me a massage in the break room one time

everyone loves him and hes been working here for like 8 years so even if it got bad enough to report him theres no way my boss would give a shit and no one would ever believe me and im worried abt retaliation

i havent told him to fuck off because im scaredcore so idk if he even knows hes making me uncomfortable

i get routinely sexually harrassed by customers and when i asked my boss abt how to handle it he basically said other girls have quit over it and "the real problem is when they dont call a manager up" so he definitely does not udnerstand what its actually like to deal with that and that its usually too subtle to do anything abt it

since i got promoted i almost never get my 10 minute breaks which maybe doesnt seem like a big deal but it is wearing me the fuck out

im surrounded by proud vocal conservatives

EXCEPT for my boss who is one of those people who doesnt think hes a bigot (hes very proud of being one of the chill open-minded Christians) but definitely is

also i couldnt make this up even if i wanted to, but hes 36 years old and a cpuple days ago he made me stand there and listen to him rant about hes not homophobic but why did they make Good Omens gay not everything has to be gay 😡😡😡 hes 36. hes fucking 36

we're almost always understaffed and they dont want to pay anyone so they dont start hiring more people until we're already in our busiest season and then we have to train a bunch of 15 year olds between dealing with 36 billion kajillion fucking customers

truly abysmal fucking communication. i didnt even know i was getting promoted to management until i was in the middle of supervisor training (which they never bothered to finish so i got like... tiny disjointed snippets of training over a period of a few weeks and then i was a manager)

i was functionally head cashier for months and they never gave me the title or the raise because i was "being trained for the position" when actually they allotted less than a day of training from the FORMER head cashier on her last day even though they knew she was retiring for months and then i just figured it out by myself and was already doing all of it

im finally going back to school and next semester when im better settled i want to transition to full time classes, so i met with my boss to give him a heads up and told him i wanted to start training a couple people on some of my basic responsibilities in case i have to cut down my hours, and he basically brushed me off and said we can talk about it in a few months.

and then he talked about his time in college for like twenty minutes and said i shouldnt overwhelm myself by working full time and going to school full time, which made it seem like he was on the same page

but then he kind of was like "well its good you want to get an education but if you go part time in the spring that kind of screws us over" so im not really sure what the fuck is happening in his brain but it almost sounds like he expects me to stay part time in school and keep working full time and doesnt want to prepare for anything else

also he didnt tell me i inherited the key department in addition to the front end until i was like hey whos ordering keys now? and he was like ummmm you? 🤨 ok thanks for the heads up man

its one of those places that looks pretty nice but theres like 20 things breaking throughout the store that theyre too cheap to fix

^recent example: the receipt printers arent working for duplicates (which we need for returns, special orders, etc) so now you to walk across the room to the actual printer and they dont want to fix it because "the printer paper is cheaper than the receipt paper". im not even that irritated about having to use the big printer but that is so fucking cheap for such a massive successful company that now im genuinely pissed off about it.

my boss is one of those guys who seems super nice and friendly and great at first, and pretty much everyone thinks he is, but the more time you spend with him the more you're like. hey buddy is something a little bit fucking wrong with you? and every day i resent him just a tiny bit more

they want us to follow homeless people around the store like fucking spies until we find an excuse to kick them out

theres a guy that comes in every now and again and harrasses female cashiers, walks around casually dropping hate speech, and once literally told one of our teenage boys about his rape fantasy and they wont do anything about him because he's rich and he spends a lot of money

we all have like 4 jobs with barely the pay of 1

i hates it

[khodorkovskaya]

storytime: i caused a divorce

the story starts in 2019... i used to give language lessons when i was in highschool to make some pocket money and found students through facebook groups or specialised websites. when i started uni however i stopped because not only did i not have the time, but i also kinda grew out of it. i had about a dozen students and ive been teaching for 4 years, it was time to move on. so i told my students that i'll no longer be available and stopped looking for new ones. until i got a very peculiar message... little did i know, it was the start of a new friendship.

let's call him lucien for the sake of the story. now how do i even describe him to you guys?

the first time i met him was at his office for a language lesson. and he was devastated because his wife (let's call her sarah) had just left him after 10 years of marriage. she left him for another woman... (and later had a gf who had hpv??? but idk if that's the woman she left him for?) anyway, he was very sad and heartbroken.

lucien is very neurodivergent (huuuge adhd and idk if it's a joke or not but he said he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia?? but again he says random shit all the time so idk). he's somewhere on the ace spectrum and never had sex with sarah. bc (1) he's not interested in sex and (2) she's like 20 years younger than him and he felt uneasy about it. and he's also weirdly rich. i say weirdly because he's not a standard kind of rich person. he has periods where he is literally broke and has to beg sarah for money to buy instant noodles. and he has periods where he makes 6 figures in a week. and when he does have money, he doesn't keep it for very long bc he spends it all on expensive hobbies.

now let me explain his expensive hobbies to you. because he doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs (he used to do lots of drugs back in the 90s, has tried everything and a lot of his friends died from overdose yikes). but he is very passionate about his life. he spends tens of thousands on professional diving school and diving equipment, jumps out of planes for fun (with a custom parachute transported to him from lichtenstein ofc), he has all kinds of gadgets that cost more that tuition at elite american colleges, he used to spend 2k a month just to learn how to ice skate, the list goes on... it's insane. id love to tell you guys more about the guy but i can't reveal too much. but if we're chill and you follow me on insta hmu and i'll show you his profile.

so anyway, over the years we've been thru a lot together. we went to russia together, he paid for shooting lessons for me, he gave me an ak-74 once as a present and uhh yeah that was uh an experience.... when my cousin came over last summer we went for a plane ride together. and this year we've been obsessed with ice skating.

every sunday lucien, sarah, my bestie and i would go to the rink. it was my favourite part of the week! the four of us would have a blast! my bestie and lucien would skate in a pair and sarah would show me different techniques and stuff bc im a beginner skater. it was great! sarah struggles with mental health issues and she's been on and off medication, so she's been depressed and tired all this time and now she was finally looking happier and she'd come ice skating with us every time and we'd chat after skating and get coffee together, me and my bestie loved it!

then when the season came to an end lucien offered to buy me and my bestie ice skates! we couldn't be more excited! he often buys his friends presents and judging by the obscene amounts of money he spends on his hobbies and gadgets, it didn't stand out of the ordinary. the four of us went to a professional shop in lausanne and got ice skates and then we went to a museum and had so much fun, it was great! i was so happy that sarah came too bc lucien was telling me how it was a struggle for her to be on her feet all day bc she usually takes lots of naps bc of medication withdrawal. but she seemed fine and we had lots of fun together!

during the trip i briefly mentioned that i wanted to go to skating summer camp and said to my bestie that i was probably gonna save up some money and go bc it's a lot of fun.

and

the next day

lucien sent me 1000chf to my account with a note saying that it's for the skating camp

i was shocked ofc but decided not to say anything over messages but talk to him about it in person the following day bc we were going skating together (my bestie couldn't come cos she was working and sarah didn't come either). he said that he feels the need to support young people's willingness to do things and it's a great initiative that would be a shame for me to miss if i didn't have the money. and i was like okay that's fair and i asked him if he was coming too. and he said he wanted to make sure with me whether it was okay for him to come too bc he didn't want to be creepy. and we agreed that we'll all go together, me, lucien, sarah, and if my bestie isn't working that week we could maybe get her to come along too. he said that if it's only young people and women there, he will sleep at a hotel or at his parents' place (bc his parents have a villa in that region) to not make everyone uncomfortable. we were v excited and i was looking forward to going skating with the usual crew!

and this morning guess what! i receive a message from sarah on our family business email address (so my parents received it too), reading the following:

"id like to inform you that i find lucien's sponsoring of you unhealthy and it's turning into financial domination.

because of that, starting today i have launched a definitive divorce procedure because i don't want to be part of this triangle anymore.

kind regards,

sarah"

ooooo the drama! who could've expected that!!?? and to my parents' email too? good lord!

disclaimer, im not a fake mental health advocate at all and i support all mentally ill women, especially those who display mental illness symptoms! whether you're an alcoholic and it's not a pretty sight or whether your mental health is causing you to act out messy or whatever, i will always be on your side and i will never call you "crazy" or blame you no matter what! i will defend mentally ill women till the end!

so im on sarah's side on this 100%! idk what lucien has told her and she knows him better than i (or my bestie) do. but for me it was clear that we were ALL going to skating camp. if it was for me only i wouldn't have accepted bc yeah that's weird. and lucien, no matter his neurodivergence, has full responsibility of how he spends his money. so idk what went down behind the scenes. maybe he didn't tell her and she just saw that he sent me 1k from his bank account?? whatever it is, lucien better figure shit out bc sarah has been dealing with too much already. she's sacrificed so much for him! and she can do so much better, no offence to lucien ofc, but she's drop dead gorgeous and an amazing person! im rooting for her!

and do i think she will go thru with the divorce? probably not. she's been "threatening" with divorce for a while now and i think that possibly she was having an episode or something when she sent the email. my stepmum does these kind of things. like she'll be normal and then she'll be manic and write weird emails to my mum and call her a whore and stuff. so receiving this email gave me flashbacks and tbh i can't take it seriously.

but i hope our skating group will make it out of this incident just fine. and i still really want to go to skating camp with everyone :(((

im seeing lucien tomorrow so i'll keep you guys updated!

[cherryusa]

                SEASON 2, EPISODE 8: HOMECOMING!                                   SCENE 2: THE GAME! 

The ‘BOOOO!’ throughout the crowd as the GRAPE STOMPERS bus pulls into the parking lot is like a harmonious roar. It’s war at first sight - it has been since Grape and Cherry first began their long-standing rivalry - but the promise of war only seems to spread a buzz through the crowd!  It’s time to end their feast and start in on settling into the bleachers that surround their belo The game isn’t set to start for another couple of hours... But vendors are passing out HOT CHOCOLATE and APPLE CIDER, BAND CLUB is performing, and of course, GREEK ROW and STUDENT COUNCIL are doing everything in their power to spread the school spirit! 

Including...  COLLECTING NOMINATIONS FOR HOMECOMING COURT! 

Be sure to slip your votes into the ballet with the Student Council table, tucked snugly next to the ticket booth! We’ll be crowning shortly before the game! 

Have fun, Fighting Cherries! We just know it’s gonna be a SHOWDOWN once we finally get onto the field! 

ACTIVITIES: 

THE GREEK LIFE’S SPIRIT SPECTACULAR: Are you feeling the Spirit? Did you come empty handed? Do you just feel better with glitter on your face? Then wave down a pledge from either SIGMA PI or LAMBDA RHO   ( or one of the few members who got unlucky enough to have to watch the brats! )  to help upgrade your Spirit Game a little! They’re currently equipped with glitter paint, ribbons, poster board, FIGHTING CHERRIES merch - and they may look a little like pack mules - but they’re ready to help make your night memorable... for you, and the team you’re cheering on tonight! Spirit Makeovers start at $5 and up - Poster supply packs are $10!

BAND CLUBS’S REQUEST LINE: Are you just, like, dying to hear a song? Are you dying to dedicate it to one of your fellow Fighting Cherries? Well, for a small donation of $10, now you can! Choose from the club’s list of prepared songs - MYSTIC CHERRY HITS INCLUDED! - to hear it played live for the entire crowd! ... And for the Big Spenders ( $20 and over! ) they’ll even push your request up to the top of the list! How luxurious! All proceeds go to band club! 

MARASCHINO SNACKHOUSE SLURPS: Rocky Jackson and Indigo Alder are on their best work yet! Throughout the night, they’re going to be selling Hot Chocolate, Apple Cider, Donuts, and good ol’ fashioned Popcorn and Hot Dogs throughout the course of the game! If you’re getting snacky, or feeling like impressing a date? Wave one of the Snackhouse employees over! You won’t regret it... and 10% of the proceeds go to the Fighting Cherries Cheerleading Club!  STUDENT COUNCIL HOMECOMING COURT NOMINATIONS: If you care even a little, you’ll stop by the Student Council’s Homecoming booth! Drop off your nominations for SPIRIT COURT, pick up your complimentary FIGHTING CHERRIES FOAM FINGER, and for those of you who are really gearing up for the year... Make sure to leave your ideas for the WINTER FORMAL THEME with the DANCE COMMITTEE! 

NOTE: this the period before the game begins! the actual game will most likely be the next plot event, so everything before that is fair to expand on <3

[jbmymusic]

THE "LOST" ALBUM - "JERSEY"

Okay, so I decided tonight to reinstall Nero Cover Designer, so I could recover the album covers without having to rebuild them. You know, that program we used in the physical media days.

In my files, I found a folder called "The Lost Jersey Album". Inside was the cover that was originally intended, the songs, and liner notes I wrote in 2015, which in turn sparked a ton of memories, of where I was in 2002-03, when it was recorded, to 2005, when I realized the masters were gone, to 2015, when I found demos of every song and organized it all, to 2016 and why it went again to the back burner.

Let's start with the 2015 liner notes to set the mood...

"So, way back in 2002, immediately after the release of 'Everything Happens', I started work on a second album as an immediate follow-up. Encouraged to do it by my then-manager Jeremy Knapp, I busted out an album of songs I had written during the 'Everything Happens' writing period that I ran out of time to record."

That's NOT entirely factual; one song was from high school. Anywho...

"We finished the master recordings of what was to be called "Jersey" in January of 2003. Then life happened..."

Life happened: a 2 year relationship ended. Then I fell HARD for someone else that fucked my world up, I had my own issues going on. Basically, I took a 2 year sabbatical from the entire area. Met some new people, wrote new music, grew up a bit. To continue...

"Fast forward to 2005...back in Petoskey. I set about to release 'Jersey', only to discover the matter recordings were GONE. The case that held them, and the track listing were in my vault of recordings, but the actual masters had disappeared."

This I'm pretty certain I KNOW what happened. Remember that relationship that had ended I previously mentioned? We still lived in the same place - damn slumlord - so she got pissed off when I fell hard for someone else. When I left, she took a lot of my things -supposedly to my mother's. When I returned, half my stuff wasn't there. I mean PERSONAL things, like Christmas ornaments my great-grandmother made, my teddy bear from when I was a baby. There were other things missing as well, just normal things I knew I owned.

How do I know it was her? In 2016, a mutual female friend was helping her move and she came across a box of things that were mine. The ex-girlfriend said she was going to burn.it all...and got a black eye from the mutual friend, who forced her to bring it to me at her house. No tapes though; my guess is she mistook a few songs to be about that person I fell for. Okay, ADHD button off...

"That time in my life had passed anyway, so I just skipped it and went on to the songs I had written in the two years, which became the 'Unanesthetically Torn-Out Heart' album. I never looked back...until 2015."

HAHAHAHAHA! Little did I know...

"In 2015, I discovered the demos for "The Lost Album", as it became to be called. It brought back a lot of memories, and a lot of yearning to complete it. So in the summer of 2015, I started working on new recordings of the songs, revisiting that era one last time."

'...one last time' MY ASS! IT'S STILL HERE!

I can tell you what happened there: ONE song got done. "Don't Say It's Over (feat. Marlowe Meade)" was finished. Then my "mother" FINALLY, after decades of begging, told me my biological father's name. I was working at my day job 6 days a week, plus being a husband and dad. That left zero time to work further on "Jersey", as I went to try and hunt down my pop.

I tracked him down. He had passed in August of 2015.

Needless to say, there was a bunch of mixed emotions. Happiness that I met the rest of my family, hatred towards my "mother" and her parents, and bitterness at myself for not just dropping everything when she told me his name in June of 2015. 10 weeks. I could have had 10 weeks.

I started writing like mad. I forgot about "Jersey". "Don't Say It's Over (feat. Marlowe Meade)" still went on the next album - it was too damn good of a song to NOT use, but everything else was cast aside, yet again.

LOL. So here's the INTENDED track list in 2003:

Anymore

Addiction

Black Widow

Better Think Again

Don't Say It's Over (feat. Marlowe Meade)

The Love Is Gone

Losing It All

Why Do I

Lies, Lies, Lies

I Cried

Goodbyes & Sorrows

There's a few I might just cut still. "Addiction" was the one from high school and has been rewritten at least 5 times since, but I'm not as fond as I was (long story for another night). "Losing It All" has a better version now. I think "Better Think Again" does as well. "Why Do I" and "Lies, Lies, Lies" will probably go poof. I think "Lies..." might even have been from a batch in high school, come to think of it. Even still, ALL would need to be recorded...again.

Maybe I should just take the best of the rest and use them now. Maybe I should just trash it all, even though every ten years they rear their heads like a Michigan Dogman.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. The cover of Jersey? Yeah, that's the profile pic on here, but in full B&W. Some things just won't go away...

[keefwho]

April 09 - 2024 Tuesday

11:19pm

4/10

This morning I cleaned my toilet like I said. I spent a chunk of time figuring out that my spray bottle can't spray vinegar for some reason. I took my shower and made breakfast stir fry again with sausage this time.

For work I warmed up with rabbit sketches. I picked a sort of relevant animal to start practicing since I want to get better at drawing furries in general. I work on 57's commission and it got stressful at the end because he wants me to go above and beyond with the fluids. Its difficult and time consuming.

Before lunch I got in VR and was searching for a cozy wooden bathhouse world to do some writing in. I couldn't find one and settled for a more grand, stone bathhouse. I spent some time writing some thoughts down that I need to communicate soon. For lunch I made a chow mien ramen bowl in the pan with my own mixed vegetables and an applesauce.

The request today happened to be for DS on Unicorn Day of all days and it wasn't even rigged. I did a quick little lineless doodle after looking around for inspiration. Then I started working on my own stuff for an hour. DV wanted to call me while I worked to get some things off his chest regarding that SN person of his. He pointed out some things to me that kinda got me upset but he definitely didn't mean to. I listened to him until he had to go eat and I finished up my work. Then I finished BR's NSFW avatar edit before quitting for the day.

I spent my evening poking around Twitter and watching Twitch. I didn't do much of note. I was mostly waiting for DS since we were gonna do a furry tier list. When she became free, we did that and a couple other tier lists while she job searched. I took great enjoyment doing a live Cartoon Male Hotties list but it was too long for us to finish.

In bed we did puzzles and jumped straight to KH2 since it was so late. I only got a little further in Hallow Bastion. After she was asleep, I had some 'me time' I'm ashamed about because I keep fantasizing about scenarios where I'm put down. It's fun every now and then but continuing to do it has been hurting my self esteem. It seems easy enough to just think of something else but it's hard when I don't even feel worth it in my own fantasies.

~~~

Today was going well until the afternoon. Then I started thinking about some things and spiraling a little bit. And feeling really shitty about my life in general. I realize I'm not proud of any period of my life prior to maybe 2 years ago. I think usually when I say I hate myself, I hate past me. There really is not much to like about how I was back then. I REALLY hate that old me. I am chock full of regret.

On the opposite side I've been thinking about how I really do deserve someone that makes me feel wanted and is heal over heels for me just like I am for them. Its also just starting to seem possible that I could even accept a reality like that. Slowly growing my self worth is opening up a lot of possibilities.

[sluntch]

My Health Journey - A Writing Experiment - Day 2

Welcome back all. Today we dive into the second part of the lore for my losing weight and healthier living journey. Jump through under the cut for more background info or don't and enjoy the scroll. Love ya either way.

When I was young and in college, it was easy to just disregard taking care of myself or going to the doctor or exercising or eating well. I could drink as much as I wanted, eat as much as/what I wanted, live how I wanted and it all seemed to just work out fine. Back when I still had my Facebook account, I could go through the pictures from those college days and pretty much track the steady weight gain from when I was a rower in high school to when I continued to eat a rower's diet despite not playing any organized sport or exercising regularly. I would "go to the gym" on occasion to hop on a rowing machine and get some distance in about 3 or 4 times a month and would call it "working out". I would convince myself that was enough to consider myself still totally fine in terms of weight gain and general health and continue to put off going to a doctor, if even for a yearly check up just to see that everything is still in working order. It was over a roughly 5- to 6-year period that steadily gained weight and starting getting close to the 300-pound threshold. After college, this only continued and I eventually surpassed that. I'm unsure what the heaviest I weighed, all-time, was, but at the time this journey started on Oct 10 of 2022, 317 is what I weighed. This was probably not the upper limit of what I had weighed at any given time but it's the first time I had weighed myself properly and documented it, so there we are.

So, luckily for us, reinstalling the Cronometer app helped a great deal this time for me (I am not sponsored by them in any way and am not advocating this specific app as the be-all end-all for anyone looking to try this stuff out. Just naming it because it's easier and less cringe than saying "the food diary app I downloaded"). Though I suppose, to be fair, so did hearing all the comorbidities that came with heading to the doctor for the first time in around 6 years. When it was not just "you are overweight" but "you are overweight and there are a lot of other things coinciding with that which may be CAUSED by it", that was a wake-up call for me that I had been seriously neglecting my basic health needs for a long time. Coupled with the facts that I just genuinely wasn't happy with the way that I looked, which had been going on for quite some time, and that I was now married to my wife who wanted for me to stay alive, this provided enough motivation to keep the food diary and actually stick to it. The timeline differs between people and behavior, obviously, but the number I've heard that it takes to form a new habit, as in make the behavior something is done (roughly) automatically), is around 66 days or 3 months, on average. I have no real evidence for this. My doctor quoted that number and I've seen it floating around on the internet after multiple searches on the concept, so who knows? Suffice to say, as someone who has done a few things on this journey for 66 days, for me, that figure feels about right. After sticking with the diary for, roughly, that period, I know greatly enjoy planning out my week's menu. My new job was work-from-home and I had more time to work in the kitchen, so I became a kitchen husband. My wife worked a pretty terrible job that kept her working long hours for bad pay in a toxic environment. One of the things I wanted to ensure was that, when she got home from a 12-hour day, she had a hot meal waiting for her. The recipes started off fairly rudimentary: Instant pot recipes, easy skillet stuff, casseroles, etc. Soon, though, I began to want more and found I had a genuine love for cooking my own food and planning out our weekly menus. I began making lists and organizing myself - two things that I just never did in the past. We began eating incredibly delicious meals, made with ingredients that wouldn't break the bank, and that were much better for me, healthwise, than the stuff we had been eating in the past. Plus, I got to give my wife, tired and sometimes miserable after long, terrible day, some comfort when she walked in the door in my own special way. To this day, it is my favorite thing in the world to have her be happy when we eat together and to enjoy so much my newfound love of cooking. As a note to end this paragraph, she is the best support system I've ever had and has certainly been a linchpin in this venture being anywhere close to a success.

As a closing note to day 2 here, I suppose I should mention which "diet" I chose to pursue. I had done a bit of research on what diets may be effective and, again, had tried intermittent fasting to some degree, though I don't necessarily consider that to be a full diet as it's really just picking the window of time in which you eat but, as far as I'm aware, doesn't specify WHAT you eat. As I said above, I did a BIT of research, not a lot. With Cronometer, I began to track calories in and calories out. I began to measure out my portions as portion control was one of the things I struggled with the hardest. I began to exercise more and track my weight every few days during the week. By eating fewer calories than I was expending, I began to steadily see my weight decline and, this time, I had prepared myself mentally for the fact that this was going to take a while. There was no fast-track to shedding weight. If I was going to do this and do it without medication or surgery, I was going to have to commit. It was going to be a slog. It might get to be something that frustrates me or makes me want to quit. This time, somehow (I'm still not convinced I'll ever truly know what made this time be THE time), I stuck with it. I changed myself and my lifestyle in such a dramatic way like nothing I'd ever done before.

I'll cut it here for now. Next time, we'll dive into some more specifics and I'll start giving some numbers on the timeline from October 2022 into October 2023. If you read this, that's actually super neat and I appreciate you a lot. Hope you continue to come back and I'll see you in the next one.

64 days to go.

[kun-summacumlaude]

SUMMA CUM LAUDE? #19

I am grateful to God for the completion of my second year in the university. 18 long months but it’s finally done. 

Welcome back my people, I have a number of things to include in this post, I’ve listed them so I don’t forget. Okay I just took a look at the list, and I don’t think I can remember what I was supposed to say concerning some of the things there. 

Actions Have Consequences

I was going to write about how I didn’t study during the election break, but I re-read that part of #18 and saw that I already mentioned everything. But now that the semester is over, I want to let everyone know that I didn’t really cover up for that one month. I tried hard, but the workload was more than I expected. I gave it my best but this time I won’t be so surprised if I don’t get away with it. In short, the feeling after my exams was that I could have been more prepared.

At this point I’m supposed to talk about how tough it was, but I cannot remember what “it” is. I’m guessing that was when I was really struggling with catching up on everything because exams were getting closer and closer, and I was just not ready for most of them. Guys, it was very tough. Before I go to extra-curriculars and other happenings I’ll talk about those little things that made the semester even more difficult for me. 

The little inconveniences.

The Office: I’m sure we all know about the office and its importance to me last semester. Well, a change in the seat position of my friend’s dad in the office was the end for me being able to study there and this was the beginning of my studying issues because I had nowhere else to go. I’ve already explained why the library couldn’t work for me. This was the reason I had to try studying on my bed in my room from 6pm and it didn’t work because I was always sleeping off. 

The “beam” for my bed: At some point last semester, the iron under my bed broke on one side and I used a bandage to hold it. That was okay for when I only needed to sleep on the bed but not this time around when I needed to study on the bed. I called the welder to get it fixed, it took this guy forever to show up. I don’t even know what he looks like because I wasn’t there when he came. Shortly after it was fixed, the other side of the same beam broke, broke as in separated from the rest of the bunk frame. I was back to square one. I called him back and he didn’t take ages to show up this time around. How did this beam affect my studying? Productivity on the bed went up by a lot when it got repaired. Studying was easier because there was something firm under me keeping me in the more comfortable position and I stopped sleeping. At that point, I began to regret not getting it fixed at the start of the semester. It made a huge difference. (God’s hand was in this though because a more comfortable bed means better sleep).

The essay: For the third time, that essay was a mess, and it made a mess. My lecturer was really bad this semester, but I still blame myself. Maybe this one is more than a little inconvenience though.

My stomach: I think I’m being a bit hard on myself and the reason is my stomach. There was a period where I was so fed up with how sensitive my stomach was. Every time I had the opportunity to leave my hostel early and study for a long period of time, I ended up having to wait behind because I needed to use the toilet. At some point I was only eating rice and spaghetti just to avoid this but that wasn’t enough. Shop 10′s ofada became my enemy this semester. After the second time, I never ordered it again, but those guys don’t listen at times and a few times I had to eat the oil and just the oil was enough to cause me problems. My stomach did not work with me this semester.

The Plank: this was one of those good little things God brought my way. I’m grateful for that plank, it made studying on the bed much easier. 

Now I’m meant to show you a cumulative curve, I don’t think I remember what I called a cumulative curve that day, it’s either my cgpa progression, the cgpa progression I use to set my goals, or I’ve totally lost track of what the cumulative curve is about. I’ll just show you both. The goal is to get at least a 4.50 every semester. So far, I’ve done well. I hope it’s 4/4 when all results are out for the just concluded semester. 

ULES & SEES Elections

Part of the plan for this semester was to be more involved. Well, I was definitely involved in the elections. Too involved even because tell me why there was drama within my department, and I was at the centre of it???

April 1, 2023: Yemi (Metallurgical and Materials Engineering, Year 4) approaches me to be on her ULES VP Campaign team for the upcoming elections. I agree because at the time I don’t really care, and she came to me before anyone else (I was recommended to her by a close friend). So Yemi and I get to work along with the rest of the campaign team, my duty is to get her votes from my course mates and set mates. My friend and I are in charge of our set. Everything was going well.

May 10, 2023: My old course rep sends a voice note on informing me that Funmi (Electrical and Electronics Engineering, Year 3) is running for the same ULES VP position, and she would hit me up to get my support and all. Isn’t this great?

May 21, 2023: Funmi finally texts me 11 days after I was recommended to her about aspiration and how she would need my support. Obviously, I’m not trying to look like an unreliable person, so I tell her straight up that I’ve already given Yemi my word and that I was doing a first come first serve thing and how I didn’t give much thought to it (I am never taking that approach to giving my support again).

Funmi won’t not try to sway me her way, we’re in the same department and so she needs her department behind her, which is understandable but at that point my mind was made up and I wasn’t going to switch after working with Yemi for 7 weeks. I knew Funmi before the election period. I joined the ELD train because of her. Although I knew her from afar sha, the koko is I knew her. If I had known she was going to be in the race for any position, I wouldn’t have given my word to any other person. I was really hoping she would forget to text me so I wouldn’t have to tell her no but that didn’t happen. She played the department card, even my course reps and others in the department did but I was going to be a man of my word for this election.

The entire thing kept on getting worse because more people got involved and obviously things like this get messy and someone somewhere was cooking up rumours that I was running some sort of smear campaign and that was really upsetting because I did not do such, never said one bad thing about her and I actually like her. I already told her why I couldn’t support her, so I don’t know what that person’s issue was. Different people were talking to me and so I had to make it clear that I wasn’t running against Funmi, I was running for Yemi. Sounds dumb but I’m just saying my goal wasn’t that Funmi must not win, the goal was for the person whose campaign team I was on to win.

I had to begin to consider my own future aspirations and which decision would work better for me. At this point I felt like a politician. I’m more likely to run within the department before jumping into ULES. So how would supporting Yemi or Funmi affect me? If I chose to side with Funmi and sly Yemi, it would make sense because Yemi would be in her final year while I’m gunning for a position within my department in which Yemi has no influence whatsoever. But if I decided to go on with Yemi, it meant actively campaigning for another department against my own department and this could actually affect my aspirations for the next elections because if Funmi’s people decide to bring up my “departmental treason”, I might not get votes from that class. If I jumped straight into ULES, I could try to get votes from other departments but that’s just not the plan. It’s SEES then ULES. So switching sides to Funmi seems the better option politically.

At the end of the day, I stuck with Yemi and she won by about 150 votes or something. More than my pull, so no one could blame me for that loss. It was a relief.

EEG 226

Every other course with the feeling of underperforming, I blame myself but regarding this course I do not blame myself one bit. I tried my absolute best but the course did not get better with time. It actually got worse. I failed both tests, scored 2.5/20. I don’t know how many marks the exam will be. I don’t know if our essay will be considered, but it’s just looking terrible at this point. I don’t even see myself getting a B, it is that bad. Even trying to follow his YouTube videos was so difficult, it made no sense and even with all the cramming experience from before, I can’t cram every single thing. The exam wasn’t the remontada exam I hoped for. And the lecturer did not help one bit. I’m even tired but it didn’t feel good to study throughout a semester and be lost through all of it.

The takeaway from all of this is that you have to start your semester well (which I kind of did) but when the challenges come, it is important to handle them properly to get the best of out your semester. I didn’t and now I have to wait and see how it turns out. We don’t do anything to deserve God’s mercy, but He is merciful to us. I’ll be alright by the grace of God.

Before I end, I just want to mention that I attended the ULES Career Fair, I had only one class that day, CEG221 and so I had to skip it (I didn’t think it would hold because they said classes would end at 12pm). I guess the lecturer didn’t get the memo. So, the one class I skipped all semester the lecturer decided to give out bonus marks for attendance because the class was empty that day. Such amazing luck.

Goodbye and God bless :)