#and the one who ends up caged at the end of S6 is someone else...

[taddymason]

the blue snake

[normalbrothers]

it is not a stretch, it is very much thematic and serves to prime you to more completely and fully grasp what happens during lizzie and tommy's confrontation. my apologies if i didn't explain myself properly, so i just may try again.

you are right, that peaky blinders uses visual cues and symbolic objects to guide the audience's understanding - they also do not exist in a vaccuum and often don't just mean one single thing, and peaky blinders is also highly associative/mimetic/self-referential/allusive and relies on what it already established at another point or multiple other points; you have to take this into account, which is why it's reductive to merely make this about tommy and lizzie's relationship, even - as i acknowledged - it is a part of it and impacted by it.

i'm not going to argue about the specifics of tommy and lizzie's relationship, there are things that i can tendentially agree with you and others i do not, but there's also the fact that there will be a conclusion to the show in form of a movie and there's no reason to believe that tommy and lizzie's relationship won't be one of the major factors in it: the finale of the show is not the endpoint of their dynamic, and as long as both are alive, there is going to be a potential for them to reconcile in one way or another: to me, at least, they did not part in utter anger and resentment, but in sadness and grief and there's still enough care and love there (and yes, love it is, even if it's not the impassioned romantic kind) that allows for the possiblity of real and complete understanding and growth between them and for them to find a way back to each other. this is also what i mean by saying that ruby is not the entire basis of their relationship - for their marriage, yes - but they have a long history with each other prior to this, she has been an important member of both the family and the business (and these are inextricably linked) long before she fell pregnant and became a shelby by name, and tommy indeed likes and values her! he makes her head of an important project in s4, in s5 she becomes his successor in all respects in case of his death, and by the time of s6 she is the director of the company; he trusts her with his life's work - this is also why she chooses to stay, even as her marriage isn't the happiest. lizzie's freedom to leave (as was her choice to stay in s5, and that was a choice and one she made with a clear mind for above mentioned reasons (linda comparatively did not have this choice, she believed the only way she could be free was to kill arthur)) where tommy has to stay (even as he moves out of the toy cage, he is still caged on a figurative level, and as someone else pointed out, him being visually caged by the collapsing doorframe of his burning vardo as the very last shot of the show sets up a lot of things that might come in the future) could be the dynamic that will equalize them after all, something that perhaps wouldn't have been possible if they had merely stayed married. I agree with you that they didn't start out as equals, and that they did not end up fully equalized by the end of it, but there has been progress in their relationship, that is the opposite of stagnancy, where this is what it might lead to.

the three dead birds: what makes it specific about the woman and linda, and what excludes lizzie, is that we are not talking about troubled marriages, but abusive ones. lizzie and tommy may not see each other eye-to-eye all the time and say things to each other that are awful, but lizzie is not afraid of tommy, unlike linda who fears arthur: and for good reason! he grabs her by the throat on two occasions (strangled like the birds), that we are shown, and sexually assaults her by kissing her despite her visible fear and disgust while trying to force her into bed with him (it is implied that isn't the first time either) and finally mutilates the man linda found comfort with out of sheer possessiveness and jealousy (that makes him not just a bad husband, but a dangerous one).

the interesting thing about this, and how it arguably relates to diana mitford (and all the way back to the original point: what is the pretext of lizzie and tommy's confrontation in s6) is that linda returns in the very episode tommy is coerced into sex with her. linda tells tommy that she will help arthur, but that no deal and no negotiation can make her sleep with him - it is commentary on tommy's own inability to say no to mitford or at least negotiate with her for some kind of advantage.

tagentially related, i don't agree that the swan symbolism is exclusively about grace, though she relates in significant ways - throughout that scene it could just serve as much as foreshadowing for the way linda 'dies' alongside the swan (it's literally intercut) after she is shot by polly in the very same episode (the subverted "romantic" climax of arthur and linda reuniting as swan lake is "apparently about love") - setting aside that tommy sees his own doppelgänger during the ep and what that might suggest about swan lake and how the ballet employs the doubling of the white and the black swan (given peaky blinders somewhat freudian approach here, there is a lot more going on there than it merely being about grace being framed as tommy's one true love, it's not unimportant, but not exclusive either; grace's own ghostly presence in the season signifies a multitude of things as well)

what i do not agree with is that the three dead birds foreshadow the death of polly, aberama and barney - from the logical point of view that nobody knew helen mccrory would tragically pass away before filming and that polly would have to be cut from the show.

mosley's line about singing like songbirds: yes, it directly relates to tommy being coerced into sex with mitford: that's the entire point! but it's not about choosing to sleep with her, but being forced in order to prove "with his body" that he's loyal to mitford and mosley and the fascist cause. mosley and mitford can relieve themselves in whatever body they choose (that being tommy and lizzie, here), that's their entire worldview based on entitlement and perceived superiority. this is what it's about, this is why he says that to tommy! this is why mosley and mitford humiliate tommy and lizzie during the dinner the way they do, this is what lizzie cannot bear, even as she tried to bear other things because she found value in the attempt. it is what crosses the line for her.

billy grade: yes, billy grade is a traitor, he's a traitor to the peaky blinders the same way tommy is a traitor to the fascists. his character is a deliberate mirror to tommy - as tommy is forced to prove his loyality to the fascists "physically" and "with his body", billy is forced to do the same as arthur makes him kill the referee to prove his loyality to the blinders (there's a lot of charged language and body language involved there as well), and it happens in the very same episode! (related: before this happens, arthur recites john 8: the part in the bible where the adulteress is sentenced to death by stoning and jesus defends her with the infamous "let him without sin cast the first stone" - i hope i don't need to spell out how this belongs here)

at the point lizzie says this, about tommy being cursed, she has been long past the state of having any illusions about him. and it is not a revelation about tommy (to her, from her or in general), given that he already called himself cursed prior to this.

i disagree that this relates to finn, however, the trajectory of finn's arc has a lot to do with how he's been failed by the family, what it might reveal is noxious and destructive nature of the family dynamic, he's merely a product of it, and pays for that.

it is literally mitford fucking tommy and the ensuing humiliation of tommy and lizzie at the hands of her and mosley that breaks them apart: this is significant! and all these thematic elements, all these allusions to various other forms and instances of violence, of coercion, of abuse serve as a context to appropriately frame it as the horror that it is. this is why that motif shows up in those scenes, and this is why it remains consistent, not just in s5, but in s6 as well.

barney: i didn't raise this point, and it's not exactly bird cage imagery, it is however an aspect of the greater themes around tommy and liminal spaces (boats, tunnels, doorways and, well, cages) and his mental state

i don't think i will reply furthermore - there's just a significantly different approach between us when it comes to the show. it was a nice conversation while it lasted, but i don't think we are going to end up on common ground here. thanks!

the motif around the caged songbird is not about lizzie and tommy's ultimately doomed/unhappy/futile marriage, you actually have to take into account that it's a reoccuring one and when and how it shows up in the show to make proper sense of it and why it's used in that scene between them in the finale

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

how do u think dan and blair's relationship would be during derena's loveless marriage? do you think that they would have a affair (even if it is not a physical one) or that dan would still be in love with her, for example?

this was such a fun qn! (answer's a bit depressing, as all post-canon stuff tends to be.) under the cut :D

it depends entirely on those 5 years, i feel. it's really easy (& fun!) to be like 'ah yes dan never stopped loving blair' (& it's not that unlikely, either) but five years is plenty of time to get over someone, too, so i think it's super ambiguous. when s6 ends, before the time skip, dan and blair loathe each other - and understandably so!! they both betrayed each other's trust in a really big way, so that would need to be fixed in some way.

my brain being mine, i am always pushing the dan in my head towards the nate in my head, because i really do think once we're post-canon, anything can happen! but yeah, i love post-canon dan/blair too for the reason of like... canon being the way it is, i don't think dan OR blair would be happy/satisfied in their marriage.

we see how chuck treats blair so much in canon. he prioritises his business over her, and that never changes, it's that way even in s6 which was supposed to be a chair fix-it of some sort, i guess. and at times he is violent and controlling and possessive of her. none of this is good, obviously. and i think in some ways, it would make sense for blair to gravitate towards dan, because dan has been a source of stability and help for her before, when her life was crumbling around her, he was her safe space ("i would never have survived the last month without you"). dan has seen her at her worst and still believed in her (despicable b, anyone?) so i do think just by the way derena/chair marriages work out, dan and blair would have ample opportunity to gravitate towards each other - especially given they run in the same social circles now or whatever, blair and serena are best friends, serena and chuck are step-siblings (everyone and their mother knows how i feel about that).

potential doesn't necessarily mean it would actually happen, though, especially given how things ended for them last time. dan could very well be like 'blair i'm not doing this for you again' or whatever - though it's very unlikely, just given his character, and how easily he forgives people he cares about (case in point, vanessa, when she returns in 1x06). dan and blair ultimately get each other on a wavelength nobody else gets them - which is what is so fun about them as a friendship or a relationship. they both have similar taste in art/movies, have engaging conversations, intellectually stimulate each other, and all that. i could see them both missing that, even when they're like "that relationship was a total flop i could never do it again", even then, they would be like "yeah but that museum we visited together..... the points that were made in that conversation...."

like i think they would miss each other, a lot. as people MORE than as romantic partners. dan would miss his friend blair, and blair would miss her friend dan. but they're BOTH incredibly stubborn, and they both also hurt the other REALLY badly. so that would need to be worked through at some point (maybe during the 5 year flash forward) then i think a dair affair is actually really likely. they've always been good at denial and warped logic, after all; i could see them falling into each other out of mutual dissatisfaction and loneliness in their own marriages and that eventually grows into love.

but my personal favourite dan headcanon is that he wouldn't really be in love with blair during his married life. like i don't see him really pining over her. i see him feeling completely wrung out and emptied and dried, where love is concerned. dan and blair both love with all their heart, and for dan, i think after blair, he would feel like he could never love anyone again (yeah, not even blair) because of how shattering that heartbreak is (and how little he really got to heal, to be honest.) i think that'd explain the derena wedding, even, because if he's never going to get the sparkly romance feel, why not go for a pale imitation of it with the one person who's in the same boat, the one person who's seen all his bullshit and seen him at his most cruel and somehow still loves him?

blair, on the other hand, is married to chuck. who is a black hole when it comes to blair's big heart. chuck likes the fact that blair loves so wholly and completely and with so much of herself, and he wants all of blair's love, and all of blair. i don't think blair would end up with the same issue as dan, of 'how can i love', i think she'd know that she has a big heart, but she'd feel caged in by it perhaps. in a very 'chuck is the only person i haven't scared away; maybe i am Too Much for anyone else.'

if dan & blair's loathing/resentment for each other and the hurt they feel has been resolved, i think it is possible they could, despite trying so hard to avoid it, despite doing their BEST not to become dan-and-blair again, despite ALL that, they could end up falling in love. and it would be different from the first time, because they know what the worst thing they could do to each other is; because they've already done the worst thing they could do to the other. in that sense if they are able to get together now, they'd probably communicate better and be more realistic and be extremely stable. perhaps they would leave their marriages for each other.

but i think it's equally likely for dan to go, 'blair, i can't do this again, i am not enough of a person to help you, i have my own problems and i just cannot be your support system or rock anymore,' and maybe blair would go, 'i can help you too, dan,' but i don't see dan accepting her help, or even believing she could help him. something i think about a lot is dan's entire thing with losing milo, and the parallel that exists with blair's miscarriage. it could've been so easy for blair to use that parallel to form a connection with dan, for her to actively talk about milo or let him know that she gets it. instead, we don't get that at any point. the only mention of blair knowing about milo that we get which i remember is her 'look, it's georgina's baby!' at w - which is really mean, actually! dan doesn't take it to heart because he's all 'blair waldorf, whatever' but it's a depressing line because it shows that blair knew he had been hurt in that way and yet never came back to it. i'm bringing this up because i think that could probably play a role into like, dan wondering if blair has ever actually seen him in a bad place where he's really hurt and feels totally lost, and dan wondering if blair knows how to navigate that. because, well... serena has!! serena & dan are very much always holding hands when one of them hits rock bottom (whatever else they don't have, this is something they always did.)

i mean. i do think blair's a natural caretaker, but i think it's extremely possible dan wouldn't let her take care of him, you know? so yeah. my answer remains: depends on those 5 years of flash forward, entirely!! 50/50 either way.

[red-hood-vigilante]

more hbo spn rambles, thoughts, drabbles etc. long long post.

part 1 here

there’s some things i’ve omitted here bc others have already posted about those things, certain headcanons and characterizations and stuff. those posts are in my likes somewhere (and i’ll reblog them someday), and there’s some posts i’ve read but not liked, which i now can only vaguely remember, which is why some ideas/thoughts are similar

ALSO most of these follow the model i talked about in part one: how s1-5 will stay more or less how they are but s6-10 is changed (some things are cut out entirely, some things are tweaked and some characters + arcs are more fleshed out. more focus on sam’s trauma and post-cage adaptation to the real world as well as dean letting his rage and control issues consume him and how he’d recover and redeem himself)

as i typed these paragraphs, i realized i really have 10 seasons mapped out and ready to go. hbo hire me!!

alright go:

sam and dean get wearier as the show progresses (second half), and eventually they stop putting so much care and thought in the people they save. like...hm how do i say this, like as long as a victim/victims are saved, they don’t care about how that happens or how those people suffer potential consequences, like if the victims lose a limb or have their homes burned down because of the monster, then sam and dean don’t really care. they saved your life, now they’ll leave you with your life in potential shambles and not care because all that matters is that they saved your life, not how it is afterwards. they still care about saving that one person, but eventually it pales a little in comparison to a war between heaven and hell, being the vessels etc. ---> saving people becomes less about making sure they’re actually alright and healing from horrific events and more about just making sure they have a pulse before they move on

when angels lose their wings they are either burned off in the actual fall or ripped off of them in their vessels, which leaves pretty nasty scars on the vessel

ed and harry are so young and bright eyed about the whole hunting thing; sam and dean as kids, idolizing it, finding it exciting and intriguing when they shouldn’t. sam and dean try to get them out of the business before they too are too traumatized and desensitized to do anything but hunt. neither sam or dean will say it but they are jealous of ed and harry and their freedom to leave, and hate them for choosing this voluntarily instead of being dragged into it by tragedy

hbo spn is a slow burn. there’s a lot more shots of sam and dean in silence just sitting together after a hunt, exhausted and too tired to move yet. they’re covered in blood and guts on the side of the road after killing or covered with dirt in a graveyard after burning bones, sitting next to the fire, just watching it. the times they park the car and watch the stars? we get to see it. 

dean wears rings and the amulet all the time in the beginning, for the first five seasons. the rings vary; first they’re some of john’s old ones and stuff he finds in thrift stores. then later on he begins wearing rings from people they’ve saved/haven’t saved as a keepsakes etc. when he begins his descent to the holy murderer in s6-10 he wears less and less rings. they don’t matter anymore -> symbolically shedding who he was and what mattered to him

the only accessories sam has is a rosary/cross around his neck. he has jess’ engagement ring in his pocket/wallet. after the cage he vaguely remembers why the ring was there and who jessica was (more on this further down)

the four horsemen are manifestations of different aspects of human nature at its most grotesque and strongest, can’t be killed as long as humans live. war is conflict, famine is desire, pestilence is physical and mental illnesses.

(the seven sins are like the horsemen, tulpas of human nature instead of demons)

death isn’t a concentration of an existing aspect of humans as much as it is the end of life, the antithesis of life. death the oldest of the horsemen and has existed since the beginning of any life, organism, cell and atom. the opposite of life and light, the other half of god (as i’m typing this i’m confused as to why  amara was the opposite of god instead of death). death isn’t evil or good, remains 100% objective. doesn’t care for sam or dean at all, but has a begrudging respect for their stubbornness and entertainment they provide due to their flat out refusal to do as they’re told by celestial bodies when anyone else would crumble

by including death i feel like it very naturally begs questions of who decides when someone dies, when someone lives, why would death follow these guides instead of reaping whomever whenever, what happens if a life isn’t reaped at the right time etc. the reader in me adore the idea of death having a library with books and records of everyone who has ever lived and died and how they died - but then, who writes these books and why? do they decide, and if in that case, how? these questions are above my paygrade but you know what i mean? like there has to be some sort of system right, god created everything, death executes to maintain order, some third party deity writes the laws and the books. the three branches of government. ok but it’s hbo so again, i think we shouldn’t dive this deep into things, like as much as these topics intrigue me i don’t want to stray too much from the dirt road trip aesthetic

shapeshifters are extremely rare because they don’t require any kind of human blood or organs/sacrifice to live

i want more exploration of how magic is like science, like it just needs the right ingredients and right conditions. sam thinks of magic as an obscure branch of science; it just requires research and knowledge and clear intentions because science can be controlled and do a lot of good when used responsibly. dean doesn’t like it. he doesn’t trust the unpredictable elements and he’s seen enough to know it never goes well. magic is a force that can’t be controlled by anyone.

sam and dean have full on fist fights regularly. to practice and keeping each other sharp, but also because they’re siblings. they’re feral, insane and unhinged with each other and they get on each other’s nerves A LOT. it’s petty and childish and sometimes it can get a lil ugly but it becomes their way of family therapy. after a fight the next scene cuts to sam and dean with ruffled clothes, nosebleeds and swollen lips at a diner eating silently after beating each other up. either they sit in silence because they’re tired or both are harping on the other’s openings and weaknesses

sometimes they’ll fight a little dirty but they do so in different ways; dean will pull the old ‘look!’ and point to something and then tackle sam when he turns to look while sam will just cry out in fake pain which makes dean stop dead in his tracks before sam headbutts him or kicks him in the groin

we, the audience get used to these fights, they’re sometimes funny and for comic relief, sometimes for narrative purposes (like tricking a monster they’re fighting each other when they’re really not) BUT. then comes the times when sam and dean are actually fighting without holding back and we see how much they are capable of hurting each other or how heartbreaking and difficult it can be to watch when of them are incapable of fighting back/doesn’t defend himself -> swan song when dean doesn’t fight back against possessed sam, or when dean beats soulless sam unconscious

sam and dean also just verbally bully each other constantly but they do have their odd ways of expressing affection and care. they get the other person their fave snack whenever they go grocery shopping without being asked to and are the only other one they truly trust to have their back in hunts. have a cup of coffee ready before the other asks for one. brothers and each other’s best friend. nightmare duo but in a sweet way. the cooperation of ‘the usual suspects’ when they’re in different interrogation rooms but still has the cover story down to a t. code words and code names and cover stories, they know it all

when sam and dean fight together against a common enemy they’re a damn nightmare - because they know each others weaknesses and habits, they cover each other perfectly and in complete silence. they’ve been at it together since they were kids and read each other’s nonverbal cues like a picture book

to build off of what i said in part 1; the winchesters are pretty hated in the hunter’s community. even the people sam and dean frequently work with (bobby, ellen, jo, ash, rufus, bela, kevin, charlie, castiel etc) roasts them all the time and don’t hesitate with calling them out on their self-pitying crap when it get’s too much (spn was just objectively better when characters weren’t afraid of dragging sam and dean through the mud for being selfish and stupid) and this WILL persist in hbo spn. the only reason people continue working with sam and dean is because they know deep down a lot of the things that happens aren’t sam and dean’s fault - but they still blame them for it. doesn’t make it easier how sam or dean sometimes start crap on purpose to save the other

the winchesters are terrifying and people for sure tell stories about them, but not like ‘they’re heroes’, more like ‘they’re insane and dangerous. stay the fuck away from them’. some stories are true, like how they’ve worked with demons, but some are just game of telephone. (dean has apparently a ghost he is frequently possessed by while sam is actually a mutant vampire). hunters hate and are scared of the winchesters. sam and dean are never invited to hunter stuff (burials, memorials etc) but crash them nonetheless even though the hunters do NOT want them there.

you know what drives me insane when i think about it? how some characters in spn already are their hbo spn counterparts; john. mary. adam. maybe kevin?

other things that already are their hbo spn counterparts: dean throwing away the amulet right in front of sam. eyes burning when angels are seen. how ghosts are just tragedies, stuck in a loop they can’t leave. how a lot of the monsters they meet are just victims or their circumstances or the first victim of a curse. the impala being sam and dean’s home. dean not knowing how to comfort sam when he’s upset other than trying to do things for sam that usually brings dean comfort (driving the impala, listening to rock music etc). the roadhouse. heaven being an eternal version of the memories that made you the happiest even though it’s not real. sam wanting independence and freedom but never fully having it. dean fearing being alone more than anything else and that’s where he always ends up. sam has an eating disorder after the demon blood and dean has an alcohol problem he refuses to see as a problem. dean saying “i’d do it again” without an ounce of regret and pouring himself a drink when sam tells him it was fucked up to lie to him about gadreel

the demon/angel hybrid: THIS could be sooo interesting to explore. an angel and demon hybrid are you kidding me?? not to toot my own horn too much but i’m so clever. i should write this story myself. SO. does this creature have parents who fucked in their vessels or was this an experiment by god (yes i love the ‘mad scientist’ idea, that really should’ve been played up way more) or did a pre-existing creature (human or otherwise) drink demon blood and angel grace at the same time so that it created itself? so much potential for some really intriguing storytelling and character exploration - not only the creature itself and what they would be like, but also for the people around; sam, dean, castiel, jack etc. how would they react to this thing that is the very definition of defying heaven and hell and all the natural laws? does it exist before the show starts or will we see its birth?

the powers of the demon/angel hybrid would be tricky; a mix of holy and defiant, grotesque and beautiful. unconsciously forces people to tell the truth when talking to them. poisons whatever they touch. eyes of a demon, wings of an angel. can smite but skin will burn when touching iron. can do deals but will require a sacrifice in return, not a soul, usually a body part taken then and there (the hybrid eats it. it favours eyeballs and the liver - angels like raw meat). lights always flicker. makes things explode when angry (esp people and cars). can manipulate feelings, thoughts and memories. can travel to both heaven and hell, not welcome in either places. + standard stuff like telekinesis, teleportation, mind reading, super strength etc. 

sam and dean’s wardrobe are pretty much the same; whatever’s cheap and not covered in blood. however, they do have stylistic differences. sam thinks graphic tees are funny, dean uses whatever’s black combined with john’s leather jacket. their wardrobe melds as they stop thinking of themselves as individuals and more of “me and my brother,”. their clothes are tattered and torn to shreds all the time. hand me downs, hand me ups. when they stray off their “path” and do things that are the crux of a storyline/character arc, this would reflect in their clothes. when sam is with ruby and becomes more and more “evil” he wears more and more red, a colour he has stated in the past he doesn’t really like. when dean is dead, sam starts to wear his rings and john’s and dean’s leather jacket. when dean decides he’s going to say yes to michael he dresses in white, when sam is dead dean takes off every piece of jewelry except the amulet. he holds it clenched in his fists when he’s whispering what comes close to a prayer

logically the amulet should have a backstory but you know what? i love that it’s hinted to be just a piece of cheap jewelry sam found in a thrift store he decided to give to dean. but narratively it should be explained so... idk. what could be logical solution as to why it would react to GOD himself? maybe god wore it once cuz he thought it was neat but he sold it for three dollars because he wanted coffee and then sam found it a week later

i would prefer it if god didn’t show up at all (absent father number one) but if he DID he’s not all powerful just a true neutral (like death, 100% objective) who created a thing that just took a life of its own, much like a parent and a child - the parent helps the child but can’t control it. the times he did intervene or tried to do something it didn’t really have any real long lasting effect so he gave up on trying a while ago. 

@spneveryseason talked about this, how the storyline of sam being possessed by gadreel would be horrifying if we saw everything from sam’s perspective instead of dean’s (her fic is wonderful). in the ‘dean slowly descends into a righteous murderer to become holy’ idea i have this tracks so damn well because again, if dean believes something is right, it is right, no questions about it. everyone around him is like “that’s really fucked up and you should make amends” but dean doesn’t see any reasons for why - sam is alive isn’t he? and seeing it from sam’s pov would really underline how horrifying, dehumanizing and belittling that experience was

john and mary are adam and eve. sam and dean are cain and abel are michael and lucifer. time is a flat circle. history never stops repeating itself. 

sam is the villain of s4. he is manipulated and key information is withheld from him but in the end... would it made a difference? it crossed his mind, that he could be tricked because ruby is a demon after all, but maybe he likes the power, the feeling of freedom, that he wasn’t just the baby, the one who always needs permission to do things. if he has to drain possessed people to get that power... so be it. and it’s for a good purpose, until it isn’t. he’s hungry for more, to be feared and respected. he’s enticed by lucifer’s sweet words, the potential of all that power and the idea of ruling two out of three realms. dean manages to pull him back from the brink because sam decides he doesn’t want to be what john thought he was and fail dean and himself like that.

dean is the villain in s9. he is controlling, the mark of cain without the mark. what he says goes - it’s not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. he doesn’t see how much pain, doubt and fear he causes the people around him. if some victims or civilians die on his watch that doesn’t matter - just some collateral damage. sam can’t make dean listen to him because dean is the older one, the one who’s always called the shots. dean is the angelic one, heaven’s chosen warrior, he is untouchable and unkillable. he’s is an excellent killer, filling the void with blood and rage which is better than the crippling fear of loneliness carved into his bones. 'i butcher for love, to protect,’ he tells himself. ‘why shouldn’t i exterminate, regardless of the cost? i’ve followed the rules, i’ve always sacrificed. now i call the shots. it’s my right.’

sam’s hell trauma is never magically removed. he’s stuck with the memories and the nightmares and the occasional hallucinations. castiel can’t do anything but offers to wipe his memory completely, but sam says no, he is still doing penance. 

after dean comes back from hell he starts calling himself old man and jokes a lot about he’s 40 years older now (after he’s more comfortable about speaking about hell) 

when sam comes back he feels ancient (he’s over 900 years old at least but he lost count), weary, tired and so so so out of place in this world. he’s forgotten how to put gas in a car, how to drive, how to use a credit card, all the song lyrics he and dean used to yell together, the faces of people he knew before he fell, the softness of a bed, the schools he went to, most of the hunts he and dean, how john died, who mary is, the initials carved into the impala, the taste of food that isn’t raw meat. it’s so much he’s forgotten that he has to relearn. he prefers figuring things out with castiel instead of dean because castiel doesn’t silently resent him for everything he’s forgotten

sam doesn’t laugh anymore. despite dean’s many and castiel’s few awkward attempts, it’s more like quick smile and a quiet “hmm”. on some days he recoils when he sees blood and guts, on other days he’s so apathetic it’s unnerving

sam sympathizes with the brought back mary and castiel more than ever. dean tries to get sam to remember things he’s forgotten from his childhood but sam can’t connect with it anymore. he stopped being that sam a long time ago. dean doesn’t know what else to do than try to force this connection to be revitalized and he fails. sam isn’t that person anymore and this wedge in their relationship becomes a central factor in dean’s s6-10 desperation and isolation. sam is here and safe but it’s not really sam, not the sam dean grew up with

while sam has forgotten how to make coffee, he now knows everything about angels, effective torture tricks, a bunch of lore + biblical history, how to navigate hell, the most powerful and influential demons, rare and powerful spells as well as perfect enochian (he will speak enochian without realizing and it feels more natural than english). lucifer and michael were surprisingly talkative (raging about the unfairness) when taking their anger and hatred out on sam and adam and each other. sam had access to all of lucifer’s memories and knowledge for the time he was the one in control. walking library and encyclopedia of biblical lore.

he still has some muscle memory from hunting and sparring, but sam is ghostly thin and very rusty. even though he’s an expert on lore, he’s not fit to go on hunts anymore and he knows it. 

sam remembers adam and swears he’ll try to get him out, but he can’t. just thinking about the cage makes him vomit. he can’t talk about it, much less go near it. after a while sam thinks it might be better to let adam stay down there than let him come back up and feel this crushing emptiness and loss of direction

sam’s trials take place in s9 instead of 8; coinciding with dean’s villain arc. for sam the trials are a chance to redeem himself again, this time for good by closing hellgates forever. they’re scrubbing him clean of the demon blood and his sins and they give him a sense of purpose again now that he can’t join hunts anymore. it doesn’t matter if he dies because of it. it would be nice with a permanent and peaceful death that did something good. dean is taken aback by sam’s devotion to repent for something that happened years ago and for something sam has already paid for a thousand times over. dean realizes how messed up he himself has become and how he’s helped put sam here, on the cusp of self sacrifice again because of sickening guilt and self hatred. dean begs sam to not complete the trials at the cost of his own life and swears he’ll better himself, be a friend and a brother, not a jailer, dictator or a murderer. ‘if you won’t give yourself or life another chance, please give me one.’ ---> s10 pacifist dean learning to let go of the control, the violent tendencies and the rage

oh wait what if gadreel still possessed sam after the trials to heal him but sam is the one who invites the angel in? he’ll keep his promise to dean about staying alive, as well as heal from the inside and have breaks from the world when he doesn’t want to be present, like he and gadreel will alternate being the one in control. he keeps it a secret from dean and helps gadreel imitate him so dean won’t notice. it’s not so bad, being possessed by this angel - sam can say no anytime and gadreel is a nice guy. since they alternate on who’s present they can access each other’s memories, which is terrifying and embarrassing at first, but since gadreel and sam have been tricked and used by lucifer and been punished for it for far too long, they understand each other. now another creature knows their trauma and terrors without the need for verbal explanation. also having an angel residing in his body makes sam feel like he can hunt properly again because gadreel can heal him and take over in situations sam’s overpowered. this could show how messed up sam has come to view himself and his body. 

dean is conflicted when he finds out; sam lied but gadreel does help sam heal, sam’s traumatized and his self-worth is fucked up and dean has contributed to that. dean convinces sam to push gadreel out, that sam is still valuable, loved and a good person who shouldn’t be in a place where he views his body and mind like a property to be occupied. sam’s faith begins to come back bit by bit, not in god, but in himself, his brother, in the good things in life. they build their little family; sam, dean, castiel, the hybrids, whomever of their allies that are alive at this point.

castiel can heal sam and dean’s wounds but they are never completely gone; they leave scars and phantom pains. the brothers have SO many scars over the years. dean flaunts them to impress people because he likes the questions and the fearful admiration, the attention and the nods of approval. sam hides them.

when dean is in a bad mood or needs to get his mind off of things, sam just drops something like ‘i don’t get the deal with led zeppelin. one of the most overrated bands of all time’ and dean will go OFF every single time about the entire led zeppelin history, their discography and how they’ve shaped rock music. this will go on for hours and sam will zone out after 1 minute. but dean rants nonsensically the entire drive and it does get him to think about something else for a little bit. they stop at a motel and dean is STILL ranting while brushing his teeth. stops when going to sleep but without fail picks up where he left off the morning after and is so into it he doesn’t notice sam not paying attention at all. we could see this once in s1 when they’re searching for john, another in s3 when dean is anxious about his deal coming to an end and then again in a later season, when sam doesn’t remember to ask/doesn’t have the patience or mental capability, so they’ll sit there in tense silence, showing how much they’ve changed.

---> i can see this SO clearly in my head, how they’ll get in the car and we, the audience, will recognize the camera angle, the same lines and dean’s grumpy mood, and we’ll anticipate what comes next. but sam isn’t that kid anymore and he’s not peeking at dean to gauge what his mood is and how much of a shit eating grin he should wear when being an annoying little brother to cheer dean up. now he’s looking out the window, leaned back, they’re not looking at each other. this shot is a minute or two long, uninterrupted. dean turns on music but neither are singing along or doing anything to lighten the mood. 

s1-5: sam gets hooked on demon blood, dean has an alcohol problem. when sam goes through withdrawals, dean decides to quit drinking and joins him because he wants to be supportive, and he realizes that when he drinks two beers for breakfast there’s a problem

s6-10: sam takes painkillers, anti depressants and anti psyhosis meds to numb himself from the phantom pains and reduce post-cage effects. dean started drinking again after sam jumped and still does, but started smoking in addition because he still drives a lot and doesn’t want to die in something as pathetic as a car crash. 

there a scene in an episode in the first half of s8, when sam has decided to stay with dean instead of amelia, and dean has rejected benny in favor of sam, and then the brothers sit in a couch watching tv while drinking beer and neither of them look particularly happy about it - that’s how their relationship is a lot of the time. they know they’re fucked up and neither of them will ever be truly happy when the other’s around, but they owe each other so much and they don’t have to explain themselves to each other the way they do to others. they know each other so well, each other’s traumas and the things they’ve done, it feels fake and exhausting to try to be something other than the veteran hunters they are. misery loves company; they are miserable together but would be far more miserable apart and living a normal life. they do love each other, but neither of them are particularly happy as the show progresses. family is hell and so is the lack of it. 

OK OK i mentioned it in part one, how i had my own very specific idea about how jack should come to be and here it is. long winded but (might just write a damn fic): 

after lucifer was cast back into the cage, he is stronger than he has been in a long time (being in his true vessel helped him stretched muscles he forgot he had. and fresh air.) sam is pulled out of the cage and it leaves a rift in the magic and chains - the binding is weaker and lucifer must act fast to get out before it heals. the cage is still strong enough to hold two archangels, so lucifer has to become weaker somehow to slip out through the cracks. he can’t get out of the cage, but souls can come in. demons bring themselves and human souls as tools for lucifer to use. there’s not much he can do here - consuming them, eating them, touching them, dissecting them doesn’t give him what he wants

eventually lucifer realizes he must do like azazel and create something new of two halves, like when he created demons. he begins melding his archangel grace with a human soul. he tries with demons, but his archangel grace automatically purifies them and leaves them too weak. he must try with a human soul who is good. he finds the soul of kelly kline, who sold her soul to save a loved one. with her, the merging, works. 

he has another self, a twin, a son, who’s half human and half archangel. half lucifer. the old lucifer will die but that’s ok, his desires, presence and self will live on in his new creation. the new lucifer barely makes it out of the cage, only able to due to its human side. on earth it creates a body for itself and takes shape, no longer a form of pure power and energy akin to the sun itself but now a person, reminiscent of kelly kline on earth and lucifer in heaven. they name themselves jack. jack searches for familiarity and finds it in sam, their old self’s perfect tool and another hybrid. jack finds a mentor in castiel, a younger brother and fellow angel with human elements. they do not find anything in dean, the key to his former self’s doom.

jack’s powers: their powers are like and unlike the angels because he is half archangel. jack has wings but sometimes they don’t work, or they’ll end up somewhere else entirely. their body is their own, not a vessel, so jack can’t possess people. doesn’t talk but people “know” what they’re saying or want because jack emits their emotions and thoughts to people they’re talking to like a radio tower. jack can also have this empathic connection and communication with animals. his mood affects the weather. immortal. reads minds. can remove a soul from a body and send it to heaven/hell by touching it, with practice they don’t need to touch a body. 

other stuff about jack: the human/archangel nature means jack only need sleep and food once a week or so. eats only nougat and raw meat. because jack is a kid they nap a lot. levitates when sleeping. never blinks, stares intensely at everything. their eye colour changes based on their mood. eyes glow in the dark. normal humans who look at jack for too long experience memory loss, fainting spells or migraines and eye contact for more than 10 seconds give vivid hallucinations of their worst nightmares. always barefoot, often floats like 10 cm off the ground because they find it more enjoyable than walking. wears the wildest clothes they can find, nothing matches and nothing is weather appropriate

i have a very specific image of jack in my mind; they look like delirium from the sandman comics with the hair that looks like it’s underwater and the fishes floating around their head, here and here are examples. in live action this would look not good or maybe even ridiculous for sure but in animation... endless potential for angels and monsters to have super interesting designs sigh

castiel’s arc should end with him going from blind soldier, to the unwilling ruler of heaven, finding a place on earth with sam and dean, becoming closer with humanity and eventually a father of three (the hybrids). 

[castiellesbian]

Here’s how I would’ve done canon destiel: they get together in 5x03 and have a casual yet intense relationship that ends after Sam goes into the Cage and Castiel tells Dean that Dean needs to live a normal life or smth like that because Cas is going back to Heaven and Dean rebounds with Lisa.

S6 Dean is with Lisa but still has feelings for Cas, who is having an affair with Crowley.

S7 Dean is mourning Cas and realizing that Cas was more than a fwb for him but now it’s too late but then oops Cas is crazy and might have a thing with Meg (they’re just friends but Dean doesn’t know that)???

S8 Dean has a fling with Benny in Purgatory but that ends once they find Cas. After Purgatory Dean is trying to get back with Cas because at this point he realizes that he’s in love with him, but Cas is acting weird (cuz Naomi) and after he breaks away from the brainwashing he tells Dean that they can’t be together because he’s gonna close Heaven

S9 Cas doesn’t sleep with April because “he’s in love with someone else” which lets the audience know that he’s planning on getting with Dean, but then Dean kicks him out of the bunker (can you imagine the absolute heartbreak if this were the context??) and Cas tries to move on with Nora, and Dean gives him dating tips because he loves Cas and figures that its too late for them to be together

S10 Demon Dean has a hot girl summer with Crowley (who, for the rest of the series, will never let anyone forget that he hooked up with Squirrel AND Feathers). But after seeing the high schoolers doing a Supernatural musical talk about destiel he gets hope that he and Cas can get back together. And after a few episodes where Dean is blatantly flirting with Castiel, they actually talk about their relationship and start actually dating

S11-15 yeah they’re together but at one point they get a kid THE END

you obviously put a lot of thought into this.... honestly i agree BUT i would make them wait for it until s15 because i’m cruel like that :)

[mittensmorgul]

I've watched season 11 again, and I have a question if you're willing to answer. In season 5, Cas was very disappointed about learning God was basically a "dead beat dad," as Dean called it. But when Cas had an opportunity to talk to Chuck, he didn't seem all that interested in talking to him or even asking a question or two. Why do you think they never had Cas interact with Chuck as a son talking to his father when it was such a huge deal for Cas in season 5?

Hi there! I’m happy to talk about this, because honestly I was personally GLAD that Cas treated Chuck the way he did in s11.

(A/N: I was halfway through writing this when my power went out last night, so now that everything is back on I’m gonna see if I remember wtf I was even talking about... if this goes sideways halfway through, blame Potomac Edison)

Cas had already realized long before exactly who and what Chuck was. I mean, not that Chuck was actually God, but that God and “His Plan” was always a load of BS.

Chuck left the angels a lot of conflicting information, and not a lot in the Free Will and Critical Thinking arena. I was just thinking about season 6, and this sort of feeds into a lot of the same distinction between Cas and the rest of the angels. My personal line of thinking earlier this evening was this line in 6.20:

CASTIEL I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me. CASTIEL You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will -- DEAN You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want!

Major Tangent Warning, because I gotta write out what I was thinking earlier in order to explain why I am So Pleased with Cas and his reaction to Chuck in s11, which I think of as abject disdain. This is key to everything Cas had learned, to all of his growth as a person up to that point.

What Dean tells Cas here is in direct contradiction to what Raphael’s self-stated motive in restarting the apocalypse was. Also from 6.20:

RAPHAEL You rebelled - against God, heaven, and me. Now you will atone. We'll start by freeing Lucifer and Michael from their cage. And then we'll get our show back on the road. CASTIEL Raphael...No. The Apocalypse doesn't have to be fought! RAPHAEL Of course it does. It's God's will. CASTIEL How can you say that?! RAPHAEL Because it's what I want. CASTIEL Well, the other angels won't let you. RAPHAEL Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They're soldiers. They weren't built for freedom. They were built to follow.

Raphael is just doing “whatever he wants,” in the way Dean was trying to convince Cas NOT to. Because if Dean learns anything in s6, it is the cosmic cost of his own actions. Think 6.11, and the lessons he learns having to play Death for a day. As much as Dean tries to work around the Bigger Picture of the Universe, he does understand that there is a right and a wrong, and that some things are worth fighting or even dying for, but the cost might sometimes just be too great. And unleashing all the souls in purgatory on the planet seems like just a different sort of apocalyptic level of bad... like putting out a fire with a flamethrower.

Cas had to make a choice here. He’d chosen his path every step of the way, wrestled with each decision he’d had to make over the previous year leading up to that point, but he’d passed the point of no return, and his direct prayer to Chuck went unanswered, and he never got a sign whether he was doing the right thing or not.

I’ve argued in the past that he absolutely DID get a sign, in the form of Dean telling him to stop in 6.20. But Cas dismissed him, out of pride, out of hubris, out  of desperation to do the one thing he believed could give him the power to stop Apocalypse 2.0, save Heaven, and also save Dean in the process, since Dean would be back on the radar to be Michael’s vessel if Raphael succeeded in breaking him out of the Cage.

And here’s the really tangenty part of the tangent: it just made me think of all the nitwits who won’t wear a mask in public, or follow social distancing rules because MAH FREEDUMB, you’re impinging on MAH LIBERTY. BUT THE CONSTITUTION!

Because yes, we can do what we want, but we can’t do WHATEVER we want when our actions are harmful to others!

The framers of the Constitution could never have foreseen a pandemic like this. But any SOCIETY where people must coexist needs to put some constraints on liberty, and the framers absolutely DID understand this.

They also couldn’t have foreseen air travel, but we have established rules about this. They couldn’t have foreseen cars and traffic lights and interstate highways, and yet we have rules that govern our behavior there, as well. Air traffic controllers, stop signs, speed limits-- we don’t just have the right to drive 90 mph through a school zone and run through red lights. And yet nobody yells BUT MAH FREEDUMB! when they get a speeding ticket.

Polite society ALSO must include *MY* right not to be killed because someone else decided that traffic laws didn’t apply to them, see?

Basically, wear your mask and shut up about it, whiny pissbabies. This is what is required of you to live in a functioning society. You do NOT have the right to infect others with a potentially deadly illness. Full stop.

But back to Cas and the Leviathan infection he’s about to infest the entire planet with...

Dean was effectively giving him the “wear a mask, nitwit” speech, but on a cosmic level.

And Cas had to live with the consequences of his choice, with the GUILT and DEPRESSION that resulted. And he spent the next few seasons desperately trying to make up for what he’d done, to atone and do whatever he could to redeem himself-- to Dean. He’d tried to redeem himself to Heaven, but the more he eventually began to learn about Humanity, the less affinity he felt for his fellow angels, and for Chuck’s construct of Heaven.

Because back to another previous point, Chuck effectively left the angels two opposing sets of instructions: orders to watch over the earth and act as shepherds to humanity, and orders to bring on the apocalypse at any cost. Can’t do both, truly. Even Naomi will eventually say, right before Metatron stabs her in the head, that she (and the other angels) forgot that their true mission was to protect and defend humanity, and she didn’t know when or why that ever changed.

FINALLY back to the point! WHEEE!

Basically, Cas has, in the six years between s5 and s11, experienced “god-ness” from every angle, experienced his own guilt over what he now believes were misguided actions, that sometimes Humanity has a better answer, and there are some things that just aren’t worth it in the long run.

Mostly, he’s realized just HOW deadbeat Chuck has always been. And the revelation that Chuck had actually been God all along? Saw their pain and suffering at trying to STOP the apocalypse all those years before? KNEW FULL WELL that Sam, Dean and Cas were doing everything they could to try and save the world from basically the entirety of Heaven and Hell, who were plotting the destruction of humanity and most of creation with it. I mean... Cas spent s5 begging for God’s help, to save the world, to convince Michael and Lucifer that they did not have to destroy humanity, and Chuck... had done LESS than nothing. He’d sat there and ghoulishly watched the entire mess unfold like a bad tv show... oh wait... :’D

By s11, Lucifer had not reached that point that Cas had. Lucifer had many other issues, having been rejected and locked up for most of existence, and even HE had been the one in 5.22 to try and talk Michael out of enacting Chuck’s battle plan. Lucifer never had the experiences Cas did (and despite being given every opportunity to have them over the next few seasons after s11, he continues to reject those experienced at every turn anyway, only serving to highlight the difference between Cas and, honestly, most of the rest of the angels). Lucifer had a personal need for a direct apology from Chuck for everything he’d been put through-- starting with taking on the original Mark and ending with the cage.

Of course Lucifer didn’t get an honest apology, because in the end, it was all just a theoretical production to Chuck. He had never apologized, in any of his universes, to any of the beings he created. And he never would. And on some level, Cas-- via his experiences, what he himself had already come to understand about God and creation-- already understood this about Chuck.

Cas... didn’t care about him anymore. He cared about HUMANITY, about Chuck’s CREATION. The creator might be a worthless jerk, but what came out of his creation is a thing of ultimate beauty. Humanity, love, free will, and the beauty of the universe is what ends up saving the world in 11.23, so I’ve chosen to accept this read of Cas and his relationship and opinions of Chuck. Because it’s perfectly in line with the “moral” of season 11.

Plus it’s just so personally satisfying to me watching each individual character’s reactions to Chuck, and understanding how that aligns with all of their personal arcs.

Dean: brought the “how could your forsake your creation” of a broken-hearted son who has finally seen the truth. something he worked out YEARS ago between himself and his own father, so it didn’t come with that particular personal baggage and didn’t completely break him in the process (as it may have done with Cas had Chuck revealed himself, say, in 7.01...)

Sam: brought his life-long hope that God was real, his faith in God’s inherent “goodness,” did the Chuck Fanboy for a bit before seeing Chuck a lot more clearly. He was able to relinquish his idol worship of Chuck as the Savior of Humanity.

Cas: had brought his experience of Humanity and Godhood, the entire spectrum of Creation that he had experienced for himself and grown through. Cas, for all his mistakes, had never stopped TRYING to do the right thing, never stopped doing everything in his power to save humanity and creation from every cosmic threat, while Chuck himself had only hidden away and watched from the sidelines, when he’d ALWAYS had the power to make everything good and right and allow the Winchesters their peace. Honestly, what BETTER response than to treat Chuck like a bit of gum stuck to his shoe?

Metatron: who had basically spent s9 trying to turn himself into Chuck Lite, literally plagiarizing his Supernatural novels to create his own origin story as the new God, and failed miserably. What other angel could truly confront Chuck, writer to writer, and call him out for His Story? Even fallen as low as he could go, Metatron understood first-hand the responsibility of The Cosmic Author in ways even Cas couldn’t, because narrative symmetry. Metatron was always about the Word, as God’s Scribe. He was a bad copy of the original with the names scratched out. He basically wrote the worst self-insert fanfic of all time. And that gave him the narrative space to confront Chuck about everything that Cas no longer had. Cas had long since rejected that role, sided with Humanity, and smashed Chuck’s Word. The original tablet-breaker.

Crowley: carried on Crowley-ing. Doing the best he could with what he had, and somehow miraculously BS’ing his way through.

Rowena: recognized the Biggest Power in the room and ingratiated herself to it for comfort and protection, and hopefully for a bit of power and security.

Billie: gosh she just stepped in at the 11th hour to annoy Chuck. :’D

But yeah, I’ve always been incredibly pleased that Cas basically ignored Chuck in s11. Good for him.

[a-winchester-fairytale]

Secrets and Lies

Summary:  (Between S5 and S6)  Dean has no idea that his brother is alive, but when his sorrow awakens a vision - you do.

Warnings:  Lots of Angst, Dean feeling sad and lost, Soulless Sam

A/N:  Thank you for letting me join your Lie To Me challenge @stusbunker​ Hope you are having a wonderful birthday!!  When I read these lyrics, I immediately thought about Dean and the struggle he had with letting go of a hunter’s life with Sam to try and live a normal one.  I hope I did it justice.

I believe I’ve passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage I found that just surviving was a noble fight I once believed in causes too I had my pointless point of view And life went on no matter who was wrong or right ----Billy Joel

He looked tired, sitting there with that dark haired girl and little boy.  Their backs were to you, giving you the opportunity to watch him for a little while, his eyes looking down at the table in front of him.  He was listening to them, glancing up to their faces from time to time, but not really seeing them either.  There was something different about him – the fight gone from him somehow.

The last time you had seen him, he was fierce and the fire glowed behind his green eyes.  He was fearless, determined, strong, but still kind – just like his brother.  The man you saw sitting across the diner was broken, a stranger.

After a few minutes, they stood up and – after leaving some cash on the table – headed out the door.  His eyes met yours as he passed by your booth, but there was no sign that you registered as someone he once knew.  It was only for a brief moment anyway.  They had saved you from Lucifer – the brothers – almost a year ago now.   You had stayed with them for a month, until you started having nightmares about Sam and Lucifer and the answer he swore he would never give, but you knew he eventually would.  It had been the reason Lucifer was interested in you in the first place, your ability to see things that hadn’t yet happened.

It was a time in your life that you could never forget, but it was only one of thousands for them.  You understood that.  You asked the waitress for your check and started rummaging through your purse for some cash when you were startled.  Looking back up, you were once again locking eyes with Dean Winchester. 

“Hey.”  He said quietly, sitting down across from you.  “How have you been?”

“I didn’t think you recognized me.”  You said instead of answering him.  He just shrugged.

“I did, I just ….don’t say much about that stuff in front of them.”  He admitted, looking away.  “What are you doing here?”

“I live here….now.”  You answered.  “You?”

“Same, I guess.  I’ve been living with Lisa and Ben since….”  His voice dropped off just then.  “I work construction out at the yard on route 10.”  He added instead of finishing his original thought. 

He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair and along the back of his neck, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes again.  “Lisa is taking Ben to some school thing tomorrow night.  I get off work around 7:00.  Do you want to have dinner?  It would be nice to catch up.”

“Sure.  I’ll meet you here?”  You asked.  Dean nodded, glancing up for just an instant as he stood.

“I better go.”  He quietly said before walking away. 

He didn’t know for sure why he did it.  Maybe he just wanted to be around someone that knew him and Sam before, maybe he just didn’t want to be alone with his own thoughts with Lisa and Ben out of the house, maybe he just wanted a friend that didn’t expect anything from him.

He loved Lisa, and Ben, but he knew he wasn’t himself.  Most of the time he was angry and felt like a failure.  He missed his brother, and he couldn’t live with the idea that Sammy was locked up with Lucifer inside of him – stuck in some hypothetical cage in hell.  Dean remembered hell all too well.  He still had nightmares about it, only now it was Sam’s face he saw in the flames instead of his own.

Some days it was all he could do just to keep going.  Most of the time, he could barely remember what they had done it all for.  It just wasn’t the same without Sam there.  Now, he knew he spent his days going through the motions, just trying to fake it enough to get by.

You went to the diner a little early the following day, feeling nervous for a reason you couldn’t put your finger on.  It was busy and you distracted yourself with watching the other patrons from a small corner table you had found empty when you arrived.  You smiled when you saw him walk into the diner, his face giving away his relief that you had actually come.

“How was your day?”  You asked as he joined you.

“Same as always.”  He answered with a shrug.  “Sorry, guess that one takes a little getting used to.”  He added when he realized he was being gruff.

“I can see where building houses would be mundane in comparison to what you are used to.”  You tried to joke with him and he chuckled, a light airy laugh.

“That’s the understatement of the year.”  He replied, the smile lingering on his lips.  It was the slightest hint of the Dean you remembered you had seen since you said goodbye all those months ago.

The two of you made light chatter while you waited for your food to appear, then maintaining the conversation as you ate.  Finally, Dean leaned back in the chair and studied your expression as he asked, “I’m guessing you don’t ask because you already saw it?”

“I don’t ask because, although you can tell me anything, you don’t owe me any explanations.”  You replied.

“Lisa tells me the same thing, but i know she thinks it would help to talk about it.”  His thoughts came flowing out without a conscious decision to speak the words.  “I can’t tell her the truth though, so I just don’t say anything at all.  I mean, how am I supposed to tell her that he said yes to Lucifer?”

“Not really pillow talk, is it?”  You muttered, biting down on your lip as soon as you did.  You glanced up at him nervously, but he didn’t get angry.  Instead he laughed, effortlessly this time.

“No, it’s not.”  He chuckled.  It felt good, but the sound was one he barely remembered.  “Did you know?”  He asked after a moment of silence.

You looked away and nodded.  “I knew he would say yes, but I didn’t know when or how it would end.”  

“Well, I wouldn’t say yes so Michael took our half brother Adam, Lucifer was winning the battle with Sam at first, we fought and Sam was able to get control long enough to pull them both into a hole in the ground.  Now they are in the cage.  Apocalypse avoided.”  Dean recounted, the sound of Sam’s name in his ears felt like someone punched him in the chest.

He glanced around the room before taking a flask from his jacket pocket and pouring some in the coffee he had barely touched.

“What about Castiel...and Bobby?”  

“Cas went back to Heaven I guess.  I haven’t seen him a while.  Bobby went back to Sioux Falls.  Sam made me promise to go to Lisa and try to leave that life behind, to be happy.  I think they just want to give me a chance to do that.”  He explained, rolling his eyes.

“But you’re not.”  You volunteered for him.  He smirked.

“Not really.  I try to be.  Sometimes I forget for a second and I am, but it doesn’t last.  I care about Ben, and Lisa tries so hard.”  He confided, shaking his head.  “I think I could love her, but something in me just won’t let me get there….at least not yet.”

You reached out, taking his hand in yours, ignoring the pang in your chest at the way he talked about Lisa.  He looked up to meet your eyes, surprised at the electricity he felt from your touch.

“This isn’t your fault, you know.”

There is was, the uncanny way you had of reading all the things he never said.  He knew your secret, that you got flashes of the future, but he also knew those flashes didn’t tell you what he was thinking and feeling deep down inside his heart.  He still couldn’t understand how you always seemed to see all of it.  

Dean didn’t say anything back.  He just watched as he turned his hand so he could wrap his fingers with yours.  He ran his thumb along the side of your hand gently.

“Give me your phone.”  You told him after a few minutes.  He blinked like you had shaken him back from a place far away.

Without questioning it, he let go of your hand to reach in his pocket and handed over his phone.  You entered your phone number into his contacts and handed it back.

“Now you can call me whenever you want to.  It would be nice to stay in touch with you this time.”  You told him.

“Yeah, it would.”  He agreed.

When it was almost time for the diner to close, you followed Dean out to the parking lot.  He surprised you by walking up to an older pickup and unlocking the driver’s door.

“Don’t tell me you traded your baby for the truck.”  

“Definitely not.”  He scoffed, faking offense at the idea.  “She’s been garaged.  It just didn’t feel right, you know?”

“I understand.”  you nodded.  It wasn’t surprising that he would have a hard time driving that car and looking over at the empty passenger seat after everything.

“I know you do.  You always have, although I still have no idea how.”  He told you, twirling the keys in his hand.  “I think that’s why I said all that stuff.  I haven’t said it to anyone else.”

“You can always tell me anything.”  You reminded him instead of telling him the reason was that you cared for him, and had since he pulled you out of the prison Lucifer was keeping you in.  How could you possibly tell him that now, after everything?  It didn’t seem fair.  Instead, you reached up and wrapped your arms around his shoulders.  

You felt him hug you back, holding you tighter than you expected.  You closed your eyes and smiled at the warmth you felt in his arms.  Although everything in his life had changed, you couldn’t stop from thinking that he still felt the exact same, still had the same smell.  You inhaled softly so he wouldn’t realize that you were trying to memorize it. 

The two of you said good night and you watched as he drove away.  You could feel his heartache in your own.  With a deep breath you turned and headed back to the apartment you were renting.

You flew up in the bed, your clothes soaked from sweat, your heart racing as you tried to catch your breath.  You reached over and flipped on the nightlight, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed and sipping on the water you had left sitting on the nightstand.

It had been months since you had a nightmare like that, one that you knew wasn’t just a dream but a vision.  You couldn’t make sense of it.  It was about Sam, but not.  At least not the Sam you remembered.  The Sam you remembered was kind, patient, empathetic.  The one in your vision was beating a cop on the side of the road and was riding with someone other than Dean.  For a moment you thought it might have been Lucifer and the thought sent shivers down your back.  Then you remembered the name listed on the police car and you knew you had to find out for sure.  You reached for the phone and called the airline to book a ticket to Rhode Island.

Arriving in Bristol immediately felt like a mistake.  You kept thinking to yourself that if what you saw really was Lucifer, you had to question your own sanity for purposely seeking him out.  You didn’t even know when that vision would actually take place.  The only thing you knew was that the only person you ever harbored feelings for was lost without Sam and if you could give that back to him, you knew you had to try anything.

You finally saw him the following day, heading through town with the same man you had seen him with in your dream.  You couldn’t help but notice the cut on his forehead and the slight rip in his shirt, convincing you that the assault you visioned had already happened - although neither of them seemed especially worried.

You followed them for a little while, trying to stay far enough away to avoid being noticed, but close enough to hear them planning the hunt.  They turned a corner, but when you did the same, neither of them were anywhere to be found.

You turned a couple of times, cursing under your breath before heading back out toward the street.  Suddenly, you felt someone grab you and shove you against the brick wall.

“Why are you tailing us?”  Sam’s voice boomed, his strong hands gripping your shoulders.

“I wasn’t sure it was you at first, Sam.”  You answered, nervously.

“Hey...I know you.”  Sam commented, his eyes squinting as he tried to remember.  He released his grip and took a step backward.  “Did we….?”  He asked, making a gesture that certainly didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

“What!?  No…”  You scoffed.

“Shame.”  He replied with a suggestive glance.

“What are you doing here, Sam?  And who is this guy?”  You asked, gesturing to his companion standing just out of earshot.  Something was definitely off about Sam, but you couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. 

“Hunting.  Didn’t you hear?  There are people behaving like spiders here.”  He answered.  “And that is my grandfather.”  He added matter-of-factly.

“I thought you didn’t have any family other than Dean.”  You asked.  Sam leaned his head back and rolled his eyes.

“Is that what this is about?  Dean?”  He asked you.  “Look, my brother is living the all american apple pie life he was meant to live with some girl he fell in love with and her kid.  No big deal, but there are still monsters to hunt, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“He thinks you’re dead!”  you exclaimed, glancing around and lowering your voice before finishing  “And sitting in hell with Lucifer and Michael.”

“I was….for a little while.  Now I’m back.”  He confirmed.

“Sam, how could you be so cavalier about this?”  you asked, confused.  Sam thought about it for a second.  He knew he was different than before he went into the pit, but so far different for him had been better.  He was stronger, faster, a better hunter.  He couldn’t allow you to make him feel like it was wrong to be any of those things.

“I’m not trying to be anything, but why should I go back and pull Dean out of a life he is happy in?  It’s what he wanted.”

“Because Dean’s not happy.  He will never be happy thinking his brother is dead.  You of all people should know that!”  You argued, but Sam merely shrugged.

“I’ll think about it.”  Was all he said, walking away.  You stared after him, too shocked to move.  You felt confident that he wasn’t Lucifer simply pretending.  If he had been, there would have been fury and manipulation.  This Sam wasn’t any of those things.  Instead, it was like he didn’t care about anything or anyone.  No real feelings, just indifference.

You couldn’t help but wonder if Dean wasn’t better off not knowing this version of his brother.  .  

As you pondered it all on the plane ride home, you glanced through all of the phone messages you had ignored from him while you were gone.

When you arrived back at your apartment, Dean was sitting on the porch outside.  “Are you okay?”  He jumped up and asked as soon as you got out of the cab.

“Dean, what are you doing here?  How did you even know where I lived?”

“Trust me, you aren’t that hard to find in this town.”  He teased.  “Sorry to just show up like this.  You didn’t answer and I guess I just started to get worried.  Old habits.”  He added with a grin.

“It’s ok.  I..um...had some family stuff to take care of, kinda last minute.”  You told him, opening the door and offering him to come inside.  Dean shook his head.

“I better not.”  He answered.  “I should probably get back.”

“I know I told you that I was going to be here for a while, but it doesn’t look like that is going to work out.”  You told him, almost as surprised at the words as he was.

You hadn’t planned to say it, but now that you had you felt like it was right.  You would never be able to keep a secret like that from him, seeing him hurting every day.  Besides, if Sam was right, and Lisa really was who Dean wanted, it would break your heart every single time you saw them together.  Better to let him go now.

“Are you sure?”  He asked and you nodded.

Dean took a few steps toward you until he was standing right in front of you.  He reached out, hugging you and you felt him sigh.

“Don’t be a stranger this time, okay.”  He whispered in your ear.  “I’ve said good-bye to so many people, you’d think it would get easier.”  He added, trying to lighten the darkness that fell between you.  

Slowly he pulled away and headed back to the truck, his shoulders a little lower and his steps seemed heavier.  

“Dean, your brother….”  You blurted out, but stopped yourself when he turned to face you.   “Your brother would want you to find a way to be happy.  I really hope that you do.”

“I know.  Maybe someday.”  He replied, getting in the truck and driving home.

Dean pulled into the driveway and sat in the truck for a few minutes, taking a couple of drinks from the bottle in his glove box.  He glanced around a couple of times, unable to shake the feeling that someone was watching.  Finally he shrugged it off to hunter’s paranoia and went in to sit down to dinner.  

“You okay?”  Lisa asked when he seemed particularly quiet.  Dean nodded.

“Yeah.”  He answered, turning his attention back to Ben.

Dean took a long drink from his glass, never noticing the shadow that stood just on the edge of the light, watching through the window - trying to decide if you were right or if his brother really was better off not knowing the truth

_____________________________________________________________

Read more from my Masterlist here

Tags: (let me know if you would like to be added or removed)

@just-another-busyfangirl @imagining-supernatural @aubreyreadsstuff @jensen-jarpad@your-modern-shakespeare  @jpadjackles @wonderfulworldofwinchester @mamapeterson@notnaturalanahi @realgreglestrade @19agbrown @adoptdontshoppets.

[dotthings]

All right let’s do this. SPN 15.10. “The Heroes Journey.” 

Look, I have now watched Jensen tap-dancing. A whole extended musical number of Jensen Ackles, dancing. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, ALL RIGHT I NEED TO GET A GRIP. WRITE SOME META. HERE YOU GO. 

How very Joseph Campbell of you, Dabb. Except the irony here is it’s not Joseph Cambell style hero journey exploration that’s being highlighted here, those big mythic gestures--the call, rejection of the call, acceptance of the call, reckoning with the father and so on. This ep tapped into a different heroic theme that has a lot in common with superhero narratives. It’s not the powers, it’s not the mask, it’s not the really kevlar or mecha suit or the cape that makes a hero a hero. It’s who they are as a person when all that’s stripped away. Who are they without that. This ep gave me some some S6 Buffy vibes, or it symbolically pre-serum Steve Rogers’ed Sam and Dean. 

It showed their courage and determination and refusal to give up even though they no longer has the same literally God-given, chosen ones blessed luck. It’s not that they didn’t know how to lock-pick or throw a punch or dodge a punch or what to do about monsters any more. They are still highly trained, but none of it was working. I think Chuck didn’t just remove the blessed luck, he gave them an extra zap of extra rotten luck just to be a stinker.

But they didn’t give up and this episode yet again makes it clear--Chuck can fiddle with environment around them, even do stuff directly to people, but he can’t make them feel, he can’t give them feelings they don’t have, he can’t control their thoughts. We started the season with Dean’s doubts about what’s real and whether anything he and Sam have been through has meaning, given the reveal of Chuck as puppet master, but Dean throws down here with a battle cry of it wasn’t all Chuck. It was us. The blood, the sweat the tears. 

That’s how this storyline works and the show keeps indicating that’s how it works. They are not without free will. They don’t stop being themselves. They didn’t do everything because of Chuck. They made choices despite the manipulations around them, it was still all them, just trapped in Chuck’s rat maze.

Huh and just an aside maybe Dean really listened to Cas’s speech about that earlier this season, not just to Sam’s, ya think? Considering we’re past the deliberate Cas erasure stage, then we went through the reluctant begrudging actually speaking to each other stage, then we had the pretending not to look at each other yet constantly looking at each other stage, and then we had the ice melting and things are still a mess but the deep freeze is ended. All through that, Dean was thinking about Cas’s words. About how they made their own choices. And “we are.” 

This ep self-referentially deconstructed SPN’s own conceits about Sam and Dean. They’re supposed to be these “sweaty overwhelmed hunters” (Kripke) and supposedly regular guys. And yes that has been a massive part of the appeal to me all along, I was never a big fan of Sam and Dean as Chosen Ones or the only guys who can do this. The point is they’re regular guys who are trained and honed into the warriors they became. But here’s the thing, SPN never really did that. The grit was soft focus, Sam and Dean cloaked in fantasy. Perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect manicures. We saw some dirt, some blood, but they’re also the highly marketable leads on a CW genre urban fantasy horror tv series. They didn’t get colds, or cavities, nor did Baby ever break down. I know Baby is an amazing car but if we’re going to talk realism...she would break down at least sometimes. Have they even so much as run out of gas and had to walk 10 miles? 

So there has always been this heroic glow around them, an idealization the show itself used, the way they’re filmed and shot. And that’s the thing about many hero narratives...would we really want it another way for some things? Some hero narratives are more genuine gritty. SPN...never was. It occupied a liminal space. It’s gritty...only so far. They’re just regular dudes...not exactly. Not just in the lack of everyday people realism, but their entire story, their whole existence, was revealed in S4/5 as engineered by Heaven. Surely it can’t be a shock the reveal at the end of S14 their whole existence...as engineered by Chuck. SPN already ripped that open, the difference is how far up the power chain the manipulation went. Turns out it went up to the deity CEO not just squabbling angels.  They were Special. Chosen. Destined. Play your roles. The Boy with the Demon Blood. The Righteous Man. I have always been a lot more interested in heroes who aren’t the Chosen Ones (although I am a big Buffy fan). I liked that Sam and Dean were regular guys. Which...they are. With the god luck, without the god luck, they are.

They’re no less themselves, they’re not less Sam and Dean, they didn’t retroactively lose their free will, because of the reveal of Chuck as puppet master. They didn’t stop being Sam and Dean because the god luck was taken away. This ep captured that spirit, through the lens of an off-center, comedic meta episode, but that right there, is Sam and Dean’s spirit.

Isn’t it interesting, the ringmaster came up with a marketing hook for Sam and Dean in the fight cage, “The two of you against the world,” when what actually ends up happening is Sam and Dean go all out to save themselves, but it doesn’t actually work, and their friend Garth saves them. Because along with the whole thing about it not being the mask or the costume or the powers that define superheroes, there’s the thing about how heroes need their friends, sometimes they need an assist. 

Sam and Dean, alone against the world...ok in some respects, SPN works within that trope, the mythic appeal of that dynamic, part of the hazy glow of fantasy that surrounds these characters, but what have we seen on SPN time and again, and again, and now again in its final season, where it’s a theme shown even louder and it’s been pretty loud for a while.  

I can't do this alone Yes you can. Yeah, well, I don't want to.

Think that was just the brothers, off into infinity, no, while that’s a great Sam and Dean moment, that was just the opening notes of this song, it began there with them and kept expanding to include them and their friends and their family. It was all there right from the start. First it was John, not just Sam and Dean. Then it was Bobby, not just Sam and Dean. Then it was Sam, Dean, Bobby, and the Harvelles. Then it was Sam, Dean, the Harvelles, and Cas. Then Team Free Will. Charlie. Garth. Jack. Eileen. Or the Wayward Sisters who, like Garth, saved Sam and Dean because even heroes aren’t 100% perfection who can always save themselves, sometimes they do in fact need some help.

Here’s something else the ep showed us. While Sam and Dean have done all they did with this extra god chosen good luck, all the other hunters took the risks and did a dirty, terrifying, exhausting endless job without being blessed the same way by Chuck. Chuck didn’t care about them, not like he does about Sam and Dean. They are brave and needed and necessary too. Oh I see you, SPN. I see you.

Dean’s utterly sappy soft look watching Garth dance with his wife, continuing on that theme of that longing for...something, someone.

Can’t go wrong with Sam and Dean and babies. Big Sam holding his namesake baby Sammy. MY HEART.

Dean holding baby Cas with Cas’s namesake being a supernatural creature with an intense stare was cute.

Baby breaking down just feels so...emblematic. Because I agree that a show that runs this long will have trouble sustaining itself indefinitely and will decline, it’s an inevitable tv thing. I don’t agree it’s in decline right now or that the quality has sunk. In fact S15 is reminding me repeatedly why I love it so much to the begin with. It’s calling me back in. I wouldn’t be seeing this through to the very end if the story wasn’t pleasing me and it is not only satisfactory, it’s startling me how much it resonates for me now, speaking as someone who’s had some highs and lows with engagement with the show and has criticized it and gotten frustrated, tried to quit, did quit, came back, several times. 

This season is also reminding me how deeply I love Sam and Dean and their sibling bond, after some seasons that alienated me from that bond for various reasons, but S15 is...it’s me bursting into tears at random moments because of a Sam and Dean Thought.  It’s like that. What even is this. I don’t know I just hope it continues.

[imagesbyele]

for future reference

Here are the tvshows I have in my external hard disk, some are worse quality than others and won’t be used for screencaps, but at least you'll know some of the shows I have seen and know characters of, and therefore it will be easier for me to find their scenes when needed to make your icons or whatever else you want. 

and also to make gifsets when I get the chance to open for suggestions (or even commissions, depend)

Assume I’ve seen all episodes unless I say otherwise.

Also as someone who was very involved in the ouat fandom and has strong feelings about it, assume that I’ll never make any Regina Mills content, nor gifsets involving Neal&Emma seen in a positive way. For Supergirl, I will not make gifsets about Lena and Kara. 

Agent Carter: season 1 except the last 3 episodes, season 2

Arrested Development: season 1-4

Brooklyn 99: up until 6x06 

Buffy: actual dvds of all episodes (but from a decade ago so maybe there is better quality around now)

Castle: scattered episodes, full season 4, 5 and 6

Chuck: all episodes

Community: up until 6x02 

Containment: all episodes

Cougar Town: part of season 5 and 6 

Daredevil: seasons 1-3

Doctor Who: season 1, 2, then scattered episodes for a total of 122 so we’ll see if I have something or not depending on what you ask

Elementary: only a few episodes of s2

Firefly: all and the movie Serenity

Fresh Off the Boat: scattered episodes of s2 and 3

Friends: season 2, 3, 4

Galavant: both seasons

How I Met Your mother: season 5 and 9, part of season 1

IZombie: season 1, 2 and part of 3

Jessica Jones: I’ve only seen season 1 and I only have season 2

Legends Of Tomorrow: only up to 4x07

Leverage: all episodes

Lost: season 6 and some episodes of season 5

Luke Cage: season 1, if there is more I have not seen it. 

Agents Of SHIELD: first 5 seasons, I haven’t seen the sixth and I have seen part of the seventh

Modern Family: scattered episodes

New Girl: scattered episodes between season 3 and 6

Once Upon a Time: all episodes

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland: all episodes

One Day At A Time: season 2 and 3

One Tree Hill: season 1, 3, 4, 5

Parks And Rec: season 2-6

Sherlock: season 1-4

Supergirl: up to 4x08

Superstore: from 1x04 to 4x08

The 100: s1 - s6

The Flash: scattered episodes from s3-4-5 (I haven’t seen more than 5x08)

The Good Place: season 1, part of s2 and part of s3

The Librarians: s1, s2, part of season 3, s4

The Office: season 6, 7, 8 

The Punisher: season 1 but I haven’t seen it

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: s1, s2

Veronica Mars: season 1-3

Will&Grace: few scattered episodes

Some shows I don't have but I have seen:

angel

gilmore girls

desperate housewives

downton abbey

house m.d.

lucifer

manifest

merlin

psych

scrubs

suits

supernatural (but most of it is too nightmare fuel for me so I stopped at the end of s5) 

the big bang theory

the marvelous mrs maisel

the nanny

timeless

ugly betty

some movies I have seen, and in some cases have but in terribly quality, in no particular order: 

pretty much all marvel avengers-related movies,

pirates of the caribbean movies,

lord of the rings trilogy, 

anastasia, frozen 1 and 2, 

rapunzel, 

the greatest showman,

 wonder woman, 

tomb raider

[neverthesamebird]

KitKat’s Random Rewatch (part 2)

The Man Who Would Be King (6x20)

For, um. Obvious reasons.

Ahhhhh this monologue is so fucking good

“But come on, dried dung can only be stacked so high.” Cas should do a stand up routine ngl. This line is some kind of comedic genius

He looked RIGHT at the camera. I remember the first time I saw that I was like hello, this ep is going to destroy me. Spoiler alert: it did. And does.

Cas called Sam being in the cage “a great cost” and immediately went to get him. 🥺 And did he seriously imply his overconfidence gave him the strength to fight his way into the cage? Damn. Confusing, but go off I guess

“Sometimes we’re lucky enough to be given a warning. This should have been mine.” AHHHHH

Cas, come on. You’re smart enough to pick up on when Dean’s being sketchy

Dean said Satan Jr and I forgot this was season 6 for a sec and was about to get mad because that’s not a nice thing to call Jack, Dean. Um, yeah. Turns out they’re talking about Crowley lmao

I have MISSED Crowley’s shouting. He’s so dramatic.

Cas is so done with Crowley’s shit ahaha

The colors of his preferred Heaven are so beautiful

Cas being happy to see other angels will never not make me sad. He’s literally smiling so big considering it’s his s6 self ahhhh. AND THEY’RE HAPPY TO SEE HIM AND HAPPY HE’S ALIVE MY EMOTIONS HURT AHHH

“Freedom is a length of rope, and God wants you to hang yourself with it.” One of my favorite Cas quotes right there

“You never look like you’re joking.” I love Cas’s sense of humor so much. Also, Raphael, kindly stop being an asshole. We do not need to restart the Apocalypse, thanks.

When did Cas stop doing the invisibility thing? Bc that could have come in handy later. Can Jack do that?

Bobby said he doesn’t want to be right about Cas being sketchy. Aww. I wonder if Bobby would have considered Cas one of his boys like Mary did if Bobby had... you know. Lived to see Cas soften out a little bit.

‘I’d die for him, I would.” Aww, Sam.

“That makes you Lois Lane.” Did... did Dean just say Sastiel rights?

I’d be more touched about Dean defending Cas but like... after this he doesn’t ever really give him the benefit of the doubt again, so. I’m a little upsetti spaghetti.

What was up with this demon Bobby guy. He’s funny but like. This is the only time we ever saw him lol

Cassss smite them demons bby. Get em.

All of their smiles at him are so cute. And Cas is just standing there like oop

“I’m still just Castiel.” YES YOU ARE HONEY. AND WE LOVE IT.

Cas is such a bad liar but like he’s also so good at it. Buddy, you’re so complicated. Wouldn’t have it any other way <3

Protective Cas! We love to see it.

OH SHIT he slammed Crowley into the wall so hard it broke the tile. King shit, Cas.

“I’m an angel, you ass.” Another iconic line. This ep has so many.

So it IS official canon that angels don’t have souls. Well, that sure sheds a lot of painful new light on the soulless Jack situation later.

I know Dean says later that Cas could have asked him for help while he was with Lisa, but tbh I’m pretty sure if Cas had actually asked Dean would have said no. I’m in a psychology course right now, and that makes me marginally qualified to say that Dean was definitely experiencing some major hindsight bias.

What happened to Hell being an endless line? When did you stop that, Crowley? Because that would have saved Bobby and Kevin and Eileen so much unnecessary pain.

“Big bald patriarch” is now the only acceptable way to describe Samuel Campbell. That was hilarious. Thanks, Crowley.

I should also mention it’s weird to see Crowley without the beard. Does anyone else get that upon rewatch?

Did Cas actually take 50000 souls from Crowley just to throw Raphael out of his chair and make a statement? Honey, no. But also, king <3

The trap they set for him... Sam looks so sad about it. Ahh.

Okay but one of Bobby’s reasons not to trust Cas being that Bobby didn’t buy that Cas could be effectively tricked by Crowley is pretty cool. At least someone appreciates how smart Cas really is.

The Sam and Cas angst in this scene is immaculate. When Sam asks, “did you bring me back soulless on purpose?” Cas looks HORRIFIED. I don’t think we see him look that level of horrified again until... the end of 15x15 maybe? With that whole whammy Jack unloaded. Which is... wow. Much to unpack.

“I was there. Where were you?” I think we all know Dean is a little bit of a hypocrite. Because this entire season he most definitely didn’t care about Cas’s problems, and I’m pretty sure he did ask for help one time and they said no. So, you were there, but you weren’t a helping hand. You gotta practice what you preach, Dean-o

I know it was a complicated situation but leaving him in the holy fire is still pretty shitty. Come on, guys

“Get out of my sight.” I’m grinning during an intense scene because GO OFF CAS YOU TELL HIM

“The difference between you and me is I know what I am.” Crowley, kindly stop exacerbating Castiel’s self worth crisis. Please and thanks.

Does Bobby have a guest room? Where’s Sam? Why is Dean sleeping on the couch? Did he just want to? I’m sure Bobby has more comfortable places to sleep. Or maybe Bobby’s couch is just really comfy, idk

God, Dean, don’t be so rude. Don’t call Cas a child. I do not approve of this interaction.

Again, Dean. Practice what you preach.

“You’re like a brother to me.” In light of, uh, recent events, I’ll just leave this here.

Also in light of recent events, this is the second time in this episode Cas said the boys taught him free will. They taught him choice, not feelings. And it was CAS who chose to feel.

“I’m an angel. You’re just a man.” You tell him, Cas

Lmao Cas dipped out before the convo was over. Iconic.

The ending on the bench.... Cas. Sweetie. HE SAID FATHER AHHH. And he looks so SAD. Also, the way it was shot was really cool. I can’t believe I didn’t notice that before.

The way it ended with him just hanging his head. Oh, my heart.

Anyway, this episode is a 10/10 for Cas, obviously, but we’re bumping it down to 8/10 because there was such an imbalance in Dean and Cas vs. Sam and Cas interactions. Didn’t remember the show was doing that crap this early. Also, the plot of season 6 low key still doesn’t make sense to me. Oops 🤷‍♀️

HOWEVER, it did me feel slightly better during my current crisis because Cas slays in this one. So, we’re gonna count it as a win.

If you read this thing all this way through, thanks for being here lol. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. :)

[sometimesrosy]

Echo's problem is that she thinks all is for her what bellamy do is only for her, that they are epic found each other in a cage, she thinks the forgiveness is them ,that bellamy is who he is because of her,she thinks is bellamy's partner and co-leader she is so blind and so far from the truth, same as spacekru and i'm praying that jason and the writers put all what happened in s5 between BC in s6 all the secrets that octavia knows too bellamy actions are because of clarke BC is the story no BE.

I don’t think that’s Echo’s problem at all. 

I think that’s YOUR problem with echo. Those are not the same thing. Your problem is that Echo is Bellamy’s girlfriend and her place in his life is an actual canon thing and they have a relationship that doesn’t include Clarke, as far as she knows. And she is happy with it.

And, frankly, that’s BELLAMY’s problem, because he never made it clear to his girlfriend how he was in love with Clarke Griffin, and how much his relationship with her affected him. Clarke was dead. There was no reason for him not to tell Echo how he loved her. But he didn’t. He always kept a piece of himself back from her. He didn’t share his real pain over losing Clarke. And actually no one else did either. They all kept this secret from her for 6 years? That Bellamy’s grief over losing Clarke wasn’t because he lost a sister, but because he lost the woman he was devoted to, in love with. I mean, maybe she deceived herself and let herself interpret his devotion as sibling like…but, it is a misinterpretation.

I personally don’t find this a problem AT ALL, because it says that B/E is not as stable as people assume. Actually that’s canon. We learned of their relationship in 5.01 with Echo questioning if they could maintain their relationship. TBH I don’t know why fandom freaked out over B/E at all. Why they fixated on it. Perhaps they’re doing what Echo did, ignoring or missing the connections of Bellarke, and thinking that because b/e was established that meant it was permanent. (although again, she was worried that it wasn’t so it’s possible that echo understands better the state of b/e than the fandom does.)

I think because you believe that Bellarke is the primary relationship (which it is) you feel that B/E is an interloper. So any relationship she has with Bellamy is a “problem” and you blame someone for it. Echo, in this case, although I’ve heard some people blame JR. A lot of people. But the thing is, Echo did not do anything wrong. She fell in love with a single guy. The only single guy in space. There is nothing at ALL morally reprehensible about this. You lie if you say you wouldn’t fall in love with Bellamy in space for 6 years. It’s only logical. WHO WOULDN’T??? B/E is not a moral problem. No, she’s not a “good” person. But Bellamy wasn’t either. Clarke still isn’t. This show does not invalidate people who make mistakes or do the wrong thing, even on purpose. I mean, the fandom doesn’t either, forgiving all our favorites for their sins… Octavia burned wonkru’s garden, their hope, and fandom is out here saying she’s the good guy… but for some reason, because Echo is who she is, she’s not allowed the forgiveness they’ll allow all the other characters. They understand why Bellamy took part in the hakeldama massacre. They’ll even understand why Clarke cheated in the conclave or left Bellamy to die, but they CAN NOT understand why Echo did what she did ever. 

IDK. All those excuses, saying she tried to kill Octavia or Echo is a bitch or whatever? I mean. Same for Clarke, literally. Ruthless. Do anything to save her people. Put Octavia at risk of death. 

Just. I mean. Judge all the characters by the same standard, and it will be easier to get past your bias. Do I like Echo? No. Do I want b/e to end? YOU BET. REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. Do I think Echo is evil or b/e is immoral. No. That doesn’t fit with the narrative. 

When I look at the show, and B/E without a bias against Echo, I don’t see that Echo is a problem. She HAS a problem. It’s that Bellamy is in love with someone else, someone he’s ALWAYS been in love with since before he met her. Bellamy was a WIDOWER in space. In his heart, Clarke was his wife, and she was treated as such in all ways but physically. She is his soulmate, and that is not a narrative definition, but you can see it in the narrative. And JR said it was true. 

Echo’s problem is that she’s Bellamy’s girlfriend. But his wife came back from the dead and she didn’t know that he had a wife. He was grieving Clarke, and he moved on because it was pathetic to keep loving his dead wife that way. He did the smart thing. He’s not to blame either. 

No one is to blame. None of them are guilty of anything. They all find themselves in an unfortunate, but miraculous situation of their hero and his true love, not being dead after all. 

After 6 years in space, with no real conflict and Bellamy not telling Echo about his love for Clarke, Echo’s problem is that she’s not Bellamy’s soulmate and Clarke is. 

That’s her problem. Not being Clarke. None of this is her fault. She’s not doing something wrong or offensive by thinking her relationship is meaningful. It is. They did meet in the cages. They did forgive each other. She sees the truth of her relationship. They love each other. That is not a lie. It is not a misinterpretation. Echo is in love with Bellamy and to her this relationship is endgame (it always is when you fall in love, that’s why it hurts so much when it doesn’t work out.) 

Echo’s problem is not that she thinks b/e is endgame. Echo’s problem is that b/e is not endgame for BELLAMY. Echo’s problem is that she doesn’t have the information that she should. Which is how Bellamy feels about Clarke. There was no need for her to have that information, apparently, on the ring. And he kept it from her. 

She’s going to figure it out now that she can see them together. She never really did before. Or not when she was paying attention. 

I tell you what… I do not understand why you all have a problem with this c/b/e dynamic, because I CAN”T WAIT to see what happens when Bellamy’s girlfriend realizes that her boyfriend is in love with Clarke. What happened when Octavia realized it? MAJOR drama. INCREDIBLE plot twists. HUGE character development. Amazing. And when Madi pushed the issue? Immediate forgiveness. QUICK relationship development. Rapid about face in feelings. WOW. so good. 

Why you guys think b/e is a problem when it’s going to be used to push Bellarke right out into the open is beyond me.

Problem? 

For Echo. 

Problem for Bellarke? Nope. 

Problem for Bellarke fandom? Dear god NO. This is what I want. Give me the angst, the jealousy, the revelation of romantic feelings, the longing, the sexual tension are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Y’all need to retire your shipper badges if you think this kills bellarke instead of setting it up for EXACTLY the kind of storylines we want.

[bellamygateoldblog]

What are your top 5 The 100 characters and why?

If we’re going by characters that are still alive;

1. Echo

Azgeda girlscout . The grounder that found a home in space. She has so many layers to her. She’s a warrior; fierce, cold, and focused. She’s a spy; guarded and calculated. A lover; delicate, soft, and protective. And a friend; compassionate, loyal, and understanding.

She’s had brilliant development (contrary to popular belief). Echo spent the majority of the show antagonising our heroes, thinking only of her own people and what was best for them. Right when she first appeared, she openly disdained Bellamy; he was skaikru and she was Azgeda, to hate him is what she’d been taught to do and we knew right away that she would not be on our side. But I was intrigued immediately by her. Our meeting was so natural, she was in the cage next to Bellamy, and she was at her most vulnerable, isolated from the world, desperate to escape, and terrified of the mountain men. An assassin, a warrior, but the first time we ever meet her we just see a woman in distress, unguarded, and fragile. We see the real Echo, the one not being forced to hide her emotions, or to dissociate from herself. We see glimpses of her here and there, when she tries helping Bellamy, her enemy, and Roan, her only friend. We see her when she puts aside her pride to ask for help from our mains, and by the end of s4 she’s no longer forced into a mould by her captors, and finally free to choose her own shape.

She’s a great leader; she’s knowledgable, experienced, and she knows how to sieze control when she sees fit. Her story is tragic, she’s still weighed down by the pain and the oppressive force of her superiors still lingers. She was turned into a weapon, forced to change her identity, hide her identity, and she still struggles with understanding herself because of it. I love this because we get to learn with her.

Her support of Bellamy is also unmatched. You want to distance yourself from your sister? okay baby, I’m here. Oh. You now regret leaving her? Let’s go get her back right now! As is her loyalty to the rest of her family.

2. Murphy

Complex as hell. My favourite redemption arc. Snarky bastard. The life of the show. Delicate, but scrappy. Tortured, but caring and very protective (the way he instinctively jumped in front of emori when they were ambushed in the desert will forever be engrained in my mind). He also makes every scene he’s in just that much better.

3. Diyoza

Baddest bitch in town. Doesn’t have a chill bone in her body. Every dynamic she’s in just works. Smart enough to wear a bulletproof vest, sarcastic, understanding, a good leader, and very focused. Motivated by the desire to have her daughter grow up in a peaceful and safe world, and will kill a bitch to get it. The opposite end of the spectrum to Jordan Green.

4. Bellamy

Space dad. Very interesting dynamics with almost every character. Great redemption arc. Flawed, but driven by his love for others, sometimes to the point of recklessness, and sometimes he makes misjudgements because of it. Great at apologies. King of forgiveness, even in times he should probably be more wary. Brave. Emotional and expressive (toxic masculinity who?) Loves and wants to be loved. Again, another wonderful development of character, from someone who thinks himself disposable, dependent on two women in his life, to a composed and controlled leader in his own right.

5. Octavia

It’s been a wild ride with this chaotic murder ball. She’s had such a rich story, and i love the way she can be interpreted in so many different ways. I went from loving her whimsical, innocent nature, to being indifferent, to having annoyances with her, and then sympathising. Each week i’m just being driven further and further into her arms. Octavia is so complex, and probably the character I read the most meta on

(some of my favourites being by @osleyakomwonkru . I seriously love them.)

She’s flawed and she struggles with herself and others from the way she was socialised, and her seperation from people growing up. Her mere existence intriuges me, as well as her inability to fit in and feel accepted by her own people. I love the way she was the first to touch the ground and also the one most in-touch with the grounders. I was moved by how she lost a piece of herself in Lincoln, tried to fight her grief, then was overcome by it. I love her dynamic with her brother, the dysfunctional relationship between them, Bellamy essentially being her dad and her brother- toxic from the start- and Octavia being both an illegal sister and an unwanted child to him. The way she’s hurt him, and been hurt by him.

I love her journey of being forced into leadership, followed by her fall from grace, and losing who she is all over again. The way her path was one of absolution, trying so hard to make the horrors of the bunker necessary, and worth the degredation of her character. I love her anger and resentment in s6, her desperation in s5. She’s the one character i would strike as unrecognisable. She’s so much more now, and shouldering much greater burdens.

The war has ended for everyone else, but she’s still at war, physically and emotionally, literally and figuratively.

- thank you for asking!!

[killian-whump]

OUAT 3x05: Rewatch Liveblog

Hello, my friends! It is I, Killian-Whump, here with another Rewatch Liveblog.

This one's for episode 3x05, "Good Form" - and let me tell you right now, it might be awhile before you see another one, because it will probably take me 15 years to GIF all of the whump, angst and sexy faces that appear in this episode.

BUT BEFORE THAT HAPPENS!!!

I gotta watch the episode. So let's settle in, click the link below... and do just that.

Looks like we’re starting off this episode with Neal getting thrown in a cage, for all of you who are into that kind of thing.

Normally, I would be one of those people, but I'm not really into Neal... and what the hell is up with these camera angles? Meh. Could be better.

OH GUYS! GUYS! This is the Lost Boy whose face annoys me. I thought he was in S6, but here he is here. Is he maybe in both seasons? I'll have to keep an eye out for him when I get to S6 in my rewatch and spontaneously combust.

Aww, my baby’s having some unexpected feels over there while Emma's talking about her days in the foster system.

Aww, look at him trying to share his feels and connect with another human being on more than a superficial level. Bless him.

Look at him getting shot down because Emma assumes it's just an attempt to get in her pants.

Aaaaaand look at Dave telling him he's nothing but a pirate.

Like I said, I'll be GIFing this shit until sometime in the 2030s.

Oh, look! It's Navy men! What kind of flashback could this be?

Why, that looks like a Naval Officer, someone of good standing, with a jaunty little ponytail and a spry bounce in his step. Who could it-

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, IT'S HOOK

"Perhaps you mean younger brother." 'I MEANT WHAT I SAID, BITCH'

Ummm.... So... 'Only YOU can navigate us on this hero's journey!' 'Where are we going?' 'BITCH, I CAN'T TELL YOU'

OH GOD, GUYS, THAT BRIGHT SHINING SMILE FULL OF HOPE AND PROMISE T_T It kills me every time I see it. Colin could literally light up a city block in a blackout with that smile of his. We rarely get to see Colin's smile on Hook's face, but he uses it to such great effect right here. Bless.

...and here we are back to angsty, lusty, almost downright creepy staring at Emma XD

WHY IS HE FUCKING LIKE THIS (that’s what she said)

Hahahahaha, Snow. "Thanks for the advice." Like, she literally could not sound less dismissive if she tried. She gives so few fucks about Hook's thoughts, she might as well have walked over there and taken all of his OWN fucks away, as well. 'Nope, sorry, now NO ONE has any fucks for you. Not even you.'

My fucks... Now I have none T_T

I wish someone at the camp had answered WHY Hook had to go with David for more rope with, "You're freaking us all out, actually." XD

"What would you like to yell at me about now, Dave?" I love it when Hook calls him Dave, haha :D

Dave: "But if I do die-" Hook: "WHEN" Hahahahaha, you little shit <3

Aaaaaaaaand a swing and a miss. Dave, that was the absolute lamest attempt at whumping Hook that I have ever seen, AND I HAVE SEEN THEM ALL. Multiple times.

"Mate? Mate!" Umm, try his name? We know you know it. You used it thirty seconds ago.

LOL, I like to think Hook was, like, pouring Rum on Dave's mouth like a five year old trying to feed a sleeping parent or something.

Aww, he plays David so well. Hook: "No, it's too dangerous." Dave: 'Well, now I HAVE to do it.'

Liam, you ass. "Haha! That was close!"

Liam: "Employ the Pegasus!" And all the sailors, who obviously know what the Pegasus is, all spring into action, repeating the order and following it. So they all KNOW what the Pegasus Sail is and how to use it, while Killian, the LIEUTENANT and second in command here, has no fucking clue what's going on, what the Pegasus is, that the ship can fly, or where they’re going.

Regina: "How do we know you're not lying?" Hook: "Oh, you don't." Aaaaaaaaand he is. Hook: "But I'm not." Yes, he is.

Dave's TOTALLY OBVIOUS "goodbye forever beloved family" goodbyes XD

Ah, Liam, you stubborn arse. Listen to the strange demon child. Listen to your brother. Spoiler Alert: He never listens.

Oh, look. It's time for "Conversations with Pan That Are Somehow the Most Homoerotic Thing Ever Put on Television That Aren't Overtly Gay OR Sexual at All."  FYI: If sexual innuendos about Captain Pan bother you, you’re gonna want to skip to the next line break. I’m just saying.

Creepy silhouettes. Darkness. Pan: "Come back and work for me." Work? Is that what we're calling it now? Pan: "Like the old days." TELL US MORE ABOUT THE OLD DAYS. Hook: "I don't miss the old days." Great, but TELL US ABOUT THEM ANYWAY.

BLIP! Sudden Closeness Alert.

"We've known each other a very long time, Killian. We've done business before." TELL US ABOUT IT IN GREAT DETAIL OR ISTG

Pan: "You know me." Pan: *whoooosh* Pan: *appears directly behind Killian* Pan: "I like action." Hook: *closes his eyes* Hook: *licks his lips* Hook: *hangs his head* HE LIKES ACTION BACK THERE. BEHIND YOU. BUTT ACTION. I FUCKING SAID IT. I ain’t taking it back.

Hook: *turns to face Pan* Pan: *moves around to be behind him again* That's... I mean... I don't even have to make the innuendos myself here, do I? IT'S BUTT STUFF. I'M THINKING ABOUT BUTT STUFF.

Pan: "I want to see your hook inside his body." WHY DOES HE FUCKING SAY IT LIKE THAT?!?! Like he's a fucking expert at things he wants to see inside people's bodies.

Get a little closer there, Pan. If you even can.

Oh, sorry. There is literally no way you could possibly get any closer to him without putting your SELF inside his BODY.

AND THEY'RE ALONE. THIS ISN'T NECESSARY. THIS CLOSE TALKING ISN'T NEEDED. NO ONE NEEDS TO WHISPER. IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE HUSH HUSH.

THIS DOESN'T NEED TO BE WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS.

BUT IT IS.

JFC even though I've seen this scene a frankly very embarrassing number of times, EVERY time Pan grabs Killian's flask, I always think he's grabbing something else with that sudden jerking motion. And then he pulls the flask up into the shot and I'm like. "Oh. Oh, that's right."

Pan: "Have a drink." Hook's reaction. GODS ABOVE... Pan: "You know it always helps you think."

AHHHHHHHH and then we see why Pan was whispering, and why he put the flask in Killian's hand just then, because Pan knew Dave was approaching and he wanted Hook to look bad in front of him.

...and for butt reasons. FIGHT ME, BITCHES. You know I’m right.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

That fucking plant dripping black shit ominously looks like medicine.

Suuuuuuuuuuuure.

EVEN KILLIAN SAYS IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MEDICINE.

"You choose to believe that boy over our King?" Well, to be fair, that boy fucking LIVES there.

Oh, Liam. Liam, listen to your brother. Liam, don't. Liam...

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Every. Fucking. Time. I. Watch. This. Episode. He never listens.

Annoying face time again. I wish Regina would just rip his fucking hear-

Oh, there we go. Thanks, boo.

Snow: "The cost can't be this family." Emma: "It won't be." As long as you stop being a judgmental stick in the mud, MOM.

Aww... My baby, giving as wide a berth to the Dreamshade as he can. I love how afraid of it he is. He's so precious.

Ooooh... Swordpoint. This is a much better attempt at whumping our pirate, Dave. I commend you for not giving up after the first try went so poorly.

AHHHHHH and Dave backs him up against the Dreamshade he's so afraid of. LOVE IT.

Oooh, suckerpunch. And Dave's out for the count.

Pan: "Maybe you shouldn't have goaded him into it." LISTEN, YOU JUMPED UP LITTLE SHIT... And Killian just falls right into the trap, just accepting that he's to blame and trying to explain why he did such an awful thing... Oh, my pretty pirate baby T_T

Pan: "Don't leave the island unless you're willing to pay it." Ahhhh, you tricky little devil. You TOLD him, but you didn’t tell him.

Also, remember how Pan said to Baelfire last episode that all the pieces were where he wanted them... I wonder what his purpose was for bringing Killian to the island and setting all this up. He likely knew the resulting cascade of dominoes would bring Killian back... and back again. But why?

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

(Hint: It's butt stuff.)

Awwww!!! They got the message to Henry!!! :D Yay!!! Success!!!

And they only had to rip a young annoying-faced kid's heart out to do it :)

And now the show would like to rip all of OUR hearts out with a touching scene of brotherly love and agonizing death and beautiful crying faces.

"I will follow you... to the ends of the earth, brother." T_T STOP IT

T_T

T_T

T_T

Damn show.

AWWWWWWWW. He's so cute, suiting up and "bloody hell"ing and pulling a bandana over his face for the task ahead.

Sweet peanut, facing his fears and hacking away at the Dreamshade.

Awww, the way he looks himself over afterwards, and looks soooo relieved that he's emerged unscathed. Such a fraidy cat. I fucking love it <3

"I didn't do it for you, mate." <3

Regina's so sorry she turned to see what was going on back there, lol.

Snow: "I'm not complaining, but what was that-" Snowing: *more kissing* Emma: "Okay, I'M complaining." :D Regina: "What I wouldn't give for another sleeping curse." HAHAHAHA <3

Awwww, Dave giving his future bro and maybe kinda sorta mate some credit. ...and Hook looking so shy and embarrassed by the attention. Bless <3

Oh. Ohhh. Ohoh!!

CS Kiss Time. As kisses go, this is a damn good one, because it has Colin O'Donoghue in it and Hook in it and Killian Jones in it and... it also has Emma grabbing him by his lapels and yanking him to her forcefully and keeping him there until she's damn good and ready to let him go and that speaks to me on a deep, primal level and did I mention that Colin's in this scene?

...and the way he looks so fucking BLOWN AWAY afterwards. Like, that boy's brain is SAUCE right now and I love every second of it. THAT... That is a man who has been kissed within an inch of his life and that is how a man should always look when a Domme lady is done with him :)

"A one-handed pirate with a drinking problem." LISTEN, YOU WALKING COAT HANGER...

By the way, this "Neal's alive and in Neverland!" cliff hanger here goes down in history as one of the lamest ones ever, seeing as Hook ends up telling the secret, like, literally 30 seconds later in show-time.

More Neal in a cage.

Pan: "Hang him up, over there. Next to the other one." Oh, how ominous...

WHO COULD BE IN THE OTHER CAGE?!??! We'll have to wait to find out!!!

Although, thankfully, you all already know... considering it'll be over a decade before I finish GIFing this episode and actually watch the next one... T_T

Pew Pew Pew Peeeeeeeeeeeew

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

13x20 “Unfinished Business” Mirror Mirror on the Wall, May We Get a Doppelgänger Story After All? - A Dean Heavy “Review” of 13x20 “Unfinished Business”

As the title of this meta/spec already states this episode analysis for lack of a better word will focus on Dean most since him and his arc have always been what interested me most about SPN and lately kind of truly has become the only reason I still watch the show. I will however later on in this piece also talk about the other characters and bits of the episode that stood out to me. But forefront with this piece definitely definitely is Dean.

And to talk a bit more about him and his role within the latest episode I decided to go with the bit captured as the gifset above, because to me Dean’s drinking this episode served as a visual cue not just for the entirety of his mindset within the episode, but more general too and how it may contribute to what lies ahead for him.

We have seen Dean’s drinking become a bit more frequent again the past few episodes, but it has been quite a while if memory serves right that we have seen Dean drink from the flask as earlier in the episode.

In fact, I think the last time Dean had drunk from it on screen was at the beginning of the season during the “therapy session”. To me that actually nicely closes a cycle, because to me it seems that Dean’s depression and absolute readiness to lay his head to rest is at an all time high again after it had subsided slightly after Cas returned. Nothing drove Dean’s tiredness and his wish for things to just be “over soon” home like the ending scene.

If this episode cemented one thing for me, it is that Dean is tired, he is done and he knows that something is coming for him. And not just due to Billie’s ominous words. To me it seems Dean knows more than he lets on and that he has a plan, because to me the whole framing of Dean this episode especially called back to S5 when Dean was about to say yes to Michael. Now, I don’t suggest that that is happening now (could also be Dean’s wound from the AU indeed is causing more issues or he made some other deal or just knows he’ll sacrifice himself no matter what, because he is tired and yes, tired Dean seemed all episode, tired and done), but it certainly could fit with other parts of the episode that served as major Dean mirrors imo this episode.

One of the big Dean mirrors imo was Kevin Tran (btw I think this episode marked Osric’s best SPN performance to date - really he deserves some standing ovations for this). Because while Dean on the surface looks more “put together” and he hides it behind a mask and stance of “annoyance” and “gruffness”, to me the way we see Kevin here is actually how it looks within Dean as well. And Kevin’s entire speech about never having believed in anything until the end of the world happened and everyone around him started to die. And then God chosing him and he not even being able to fathom what that means and how he had hoped that Michael would save the world, but ended up doing the opposite. All of that to me aligns very well with Dean’s own story too. We know that Dean has always struggled with having faith or believing that “good things do happen” and just like Kevin him and his brother experienced that everyone around them dies. And then just in S11 God again chose Dean, told him the world would be save in his and his brother’s hands (even if he left), because Dean is the firewall between light and darkness and Dean too wondered “what the hell that would even mean”. So yeah, to me their struggles here line up perfectly and to me it might hint at Dean making a deal (maybe with Michael or with someone/something else) in which he would offer himself up (compare that also to Jack’s “What’s the point if I can’t keep them safe?”) for the safety of his loved ones and the world. And especially this piece of dialogue here where Kevin is framed as a christ figure with the cross in the back felt ominously close to how the season may end...

That even if the Winchesters may win some at the end, they may lose more [as a brief side note here: tbh I was so angry about Dabb having the audacity to now use this rework of what should have been Crowley’s last words and that were so important to Mark Sheppard and cut them in the end only to bring them back now in reversal, because really to me it shows a lot about what kind of people the people are that are currently running the show, I find it disgusting, but anywho...]

And even though I still don’t think Michael!Dean is truly what will end up being the case I have to admit if they wanted to with the Kevin parallel (And as captured above the amount of halo shots with Dean this episode, the above is just one of many would fit to that - the shot actually also reminded of this one

in 9x21 “King of the Damned” where Dean also “sidelined” Sam to keep him save. So while last episode didn’t give me any feelings on Dean being back to MoC!Dean ways, this decision of his felt ominous and foreboding - I personally think in the end Dean will either yield the archangel blade or the Lance of Michael or will die/be wounded by one of those) this episode to me they laid enough groundwork to assume that maybe Dean has already “made contact” with Michael and agreed to something and offering himself up. Because it may not be about dying as Kevin told Jack, but about breaking a person enough for them to give themselves up due to the guilt they may feel (”You don’t know the things I have done” is a line that Demon!Dean for example used just like Kevin) and the lack of options they see for themselves to go on. And while Kevin dies here not for the greater good, but because he is at the end of his rope, I could see something similar happen with Dean only that it would be more of an action for the greater good (and btw the toy soldier in the AU to me also called back perfectly not just to the one stuck in the ashtray of the Impala, but to Dean himself, who was always reffered to as “a good little soldier”, a “blunt instrument” - really the writing in this regard and how it diminishes Dean as a person, but treats him like an object goes a long way back and fits to the whole vessel theme).

So Kevin’s death here rather rings some alarm bells of how bad it is going to get in the last 3 episodes. [as another brief side note here, I felt it rather unnescessary of them to show Jack’s wings here, because well, we have already known he has them for a while, this just seemed a little “hello causal viewer just so you KNOW” and well, I dislike things of that kind so... Plus: Can’t also say I love that they now also turned Mary’s words to Dean into a new thing here with an angel now watching over Mary (more on her a bit later as well). Seriosuly, yawnnnn, I don’t need that. It isn’t sweet or touching but just ughhh to me, but then again I am just not a fan of Dabb’s showrunning, so...]   And the other Dean mirrors in the episode didn’t make that feeling go away at all, but rather strengthened that bad stuff lies ahead. Because to me the other huge Dean mirror was Gabriel/Loki.

I had talked about the aspect of doppelgängers and the two halves of each person a lot before during the MoC arc and especially in relation to Dean’s arc in comparison to Charlie and Dark!Charlie and it seems to me that entire thread the show revisited with Gabriel going after his “alter ego” Loki. We basically got another doppelgänger story here in which someone has to face a side of “himself” he may not like as Gabriel told Dean about in this moment.

and well, I personally have always headcanoned and hoped the show would go this route with Dean after the mark was removed, because to me Dean was left “in pieces” after that and still isn’t whole again (which is why I always liked the idea of story where Dean puts himself back together again in a similar fashion as Sam did in S6 as I talked about also in one the last asks I replied to). Now, what to me made the Gabriel/Loki thing a possible Dean mirror or rather piece of foreshadowing is (and yeah it might be a bit farfetched, but hey this is spec and it is mean to just throw ideas around) how one could argue Michael or Lucifer are “doppelgängers” of the Winchesters, because they serve as counterparts as vessels so to speak. Looking at Gabriel’s “witness protection”-stunt and the way he points at Dean here. Of course it is meant as “you are right”, but to me this episode just heavily suggested that maybe we’ll get some sort of Dean in “witness protection” as well of some sort. Because why the hell put so much time into exploring this whole deal with Gabriel so late in the season if not to use it in some fashion (okay, of course it could be they don’t do anything further with it lol it is Dabb after all, and so far it also seems the wound was the same thing - both would be a shame if not further used imo)?

So to me there exists potential in a possible doppelgänger!Dean arc at the end of the season, because, well... didn’t anybody else think Loki’s clothing seemed awfully fitting to those we saw from BTS pics of Jensen?

Just era wise... It’s very little to go on, but I could imagine some sort of scenario in which Dean does something really dangerous in order to save the world so that he would need such “protection” (Hell, who says that Dean didn’t strike a deal with the trickster if not Michael or some other powerful being?) and hence the Non!Dean pictures? Even the trickster’s entire conversation with Dean and how he granted Gabriel this protection (if walking away from his family to me would absolutely align and fit with Dean “preparing” Sam for him to not be around for much longer and maybe not due to death, but something else) would fit into Dean’s arc.

In this regard I also found Gabriel’s tale about how he met Loki rather interesting as to me it felt also a fitting parallel to Michael in the cage. Gabriel said he had stumbled upon Loki bound in a cave while hiking the fjords while a snake spewed venom into Loki’s eyes. If you ask me you could also read this as Michael trapped in the cage where he was driven insane by Lucifer (commonly depicted as also the snake). So what if Dean saved Michael from the cage somehow just like Gabriel saved Loki? What if he owed Dean one and they made a deal? In any case to me this whole set up of facing up against yourself or “someone who wears your face”, your alter ego, dark side, shadow self, however you want to call it, could also nicely lead into a Michael against Michael scenario with all of the text and subtext in this episode...

And last but not least in relation to Dean’s talk with the trickster, something that stood out to me again was the topic of “John Winchster”.

It’s not the first time he came up this season and I have always said that Dean would need another “good bye” to truly let his father’s ghost rest (though what are the chances for that to happen with Heaven going out of business - though I suppose they’ll use Jack to power up Heaven again - unless the allusions and revisit of Crowley’s words were meant to put Jack as new Ruler of Hell, which I doubt).

So... I said this before, but I truly think that by the end of this season we will get a JDM scene of some sort - even if it just lasts for 10 seconds. Maybe it’ll be tied to Dean dying/close to dying or being in the veil or tied to Mary possibly dying and seeing him again or just simply due to all ghosts/souls crashing to Earth with Heaven falling lol. Which brings me to the other bits and characters of the episode that I want to briefly write about, I’ll do that behind the cut. But I have to say it seems whatever will happen with Dean, I get the feeling it will be heavy - sad thing is they could have built all of it up better over the whole season - maybe then I actually would have liked at least some of it lol, but yeah... I hope against hope for good things for Dean!Girls. What are the odds though...

Anyway, on to the rest with a few cliffnotes on other parts of the episode I liked/disliked/that stood out to me:

First and foremost I need to briefly mention Mary here and her whole regret/pain/guilt thing. I mean, it’s nice to know she finally realized she made mistakes, but sadly the show ruined her character so much for me that these scenes here where she was all “motherly” just enraged me, because really after this here

I wanted to scream: You didn’t lose any boys, you fucking abandoned them for a whole season!!! So yeah, not a fan of the Mary scenes at all, they felt cheap to me.

Something else I also greatly disliked was the tone shift in the episode between the worlds. I get that they wanted to be a bit Tarantino with everything Gabriel, but really to me this stuff doesn’t work. Not anymore. It just feels like SPN is a parody of itself at those times. And it’s a shame because I actually really loved Richard Speight’s acting as Loki/Gabriel. His anger, etc. was spot on. Though really, him suffering for 8 years... Please, compare that to Dean and 40 years in Hell or Sam with almost 120 years in the cage. Suck it up, Gabriel! ;P

And last but not least for a shot I really liked lol, because, well, Sam and Dean are literally Gabriel’s wings uhm wingmen here. ;)

Other than that I liked the episode. But probably only because of the focus I read into it in regards to Dean which may not end up being anything at all lol. But yeah, Jensen’s acting/my worry about Dean surely carried me through this episode.

[theshipsfirstmate]

Arrow Fic: You Always Knew the Melody, But You’d Never Heard it Rhyme

post-6x23. Felicity comes to terms with being a newly single parent.

“The diamond on her left hand catches the sunlight, and it reminds her how the right things can become beautiful under pressure.”

A/N: Hi guys! So I’m writing a post-s6 fic without having watched s6 and it’s pretty much @effie214’s fault. Forgive me if there’s anything grievously wrong (again, no idea what happened other than gifsets I saw) but all credit to her if you like it.

This was also inspired by the first Hiatus Fic-a-Thon prompt: “Revelation,” (thanks to @thebookjumper for that!) because I saw it and couldn't stop thinking about Felicity realizing that Oliver had turned her into her mother. And because I'm me, that became a few thousand words of angst. It's great to be back.

Title from “The Mother” by Brandi Carlile.

You Always Knew the Melody, But You’d Never Heard it Rhyme (AO3)

The rest of the day passes in a dull, aching blur.

Save for a few important moments that remain crystal clear in her memory, from the second Felicity loses sight of the armored federal van that’s taking Oliver away, it’s like she’s moving on autopilot. Digg says something that sounds reassuring -- even though she can't really make out his words -- and a uniformed man presses a packet of papers into her hands with an uneasy half-smile. When she looks down, it takes a few blinks before she can make out the forms, stamped with booking numbers and information on picking up personal effects

William stands at her side in the aftermath, stock still and quiet like always, and it takes her maybe too long to realize that he’s waiting on her.

She needs to get him fed. She needs to get him home. She needs to keep him safe. The routine isn’t that far out of the ordinary, but she’s hyper-aware that it’s just the two of them now. This could be their new normal, something that lasts for weeks or months or years, she realizes, and her heart breaks all over again for the boy beside her -- who lost the mother he's had all his life and the father he just got to know, one after the other. Now all he has is her.

Amid the storm inside, the revelation hits Felicity like a bolt of summer lightning, cracking wide and bright across the black, and illuminating something she's not sure she's ready to see.

She's a mother now. She had been before, in a sense, had warily made her peace with the “fun stepmom” role and found herself enjoying it more than she ever thought she could. She adores spending time with William, loves the family she and Oliver have made with a heart-rending ferocity and cherished every moment, despite how it all came together.

But this is something else entirely.

Now, she’s essentially a single parent, and there are so many terrifying added levels stacking up on that reality. She's someone else's whole world, and it doesn't matter that she didn't plan this, didn't even have time to strategize the adjustment. It doesn't matter that she never dreamt of this life as a girl -- or since -- never played “Mommy” to a doll with wide, unmoving eyes and floral-scented hair. None of that matters now. William is what matters.

Felicity thinks of her own mother, and then she thinks of strawberry ice cream.

She remembers knowing immediately that something was off that day, when her mother offered her ice cream right after school. It was the good stuff, too -- Häagen-Dazs, not the syrupy block of ice from the drug store case. Donna had plied her with a giant bowl of strawberry, her favorite, when she decided to break the news, and it took Felicity years to realize that it was probably to slow the inevitable deluge of questions about why her father had left, and when he was coming back. It was a way for Donna to keep her daughter from realizing how few answers she had to offer.

To this day, strawberry ice cream still makes her a little nauseous. Mint chocolate chip, on the other hand, has never reminded her of watching her mother’s mascara smudge off onto a pile of crumpled Kleenex.

She finds herself oddly comforted when she’s ordering takeout for them later and remembers there's a pint in the freezer -- but the feeling is quickly sunk by the memory of how Oliver had kissed her sweetly when she pulled it out of the grocery bag last week, shrugging his shoulders as she half-heartedly scolded him about sticking to the list.

“I want you to have everything you need,” he had whispered against her lips, “and everything you want.”

The food comes to the door eventually, and Felicity hopes William doesn’t see the way she jumps when the delivery woman knocks. It’s from one of their favorite places, but she barely tastes a thing as the two of them drift into half-consciousness in front of a Netflix show that pauses every few episodes to make them come to terms with their own humanity, in the form of an on-screen prompt that reads more and more condescending every time it asks if they’re still watching.

She gets up for more wine at one point, and realizes she should clear the dishes. That’s something a mother would do. It’s a battle against her ugliest instincts, a war against the way her broken heart is begging her to wallow in Oliver's absence, to sink into the couch and never stand up, to run as fast as she can away from the black hole of hurt that’s threatening to consume everything she loves about this life. But she doesn’t have that option anymore.

“We’ll get him back,” she offers, voice only cracking a little, when she realizes William’s watching her instead of the screen. They've had some version of this conversation before, but she doesn't know how else to reassure him. “I’m not sure how, yet. But he always comes back.”

The boy doesn’t offer a response at first, just leans forward on the sofa to silently help her stack up the plastic and foam containers and shakes his head in response when she asks if he wants any dessert. When she returns from the kitchen, though, he has a question that pulls the rug from under her.

“Is this the worst it’s ever been?”

“No.” Felicity answers on pure, base instinct, as her forehead burns with a flashback to a kiss that came with a declaration and her fingers twitch at the sense memory of the mottled patch of scar tissue just under Oliver’s rib cage. But then she considers. “Maybe.”

Looking into his son’s worried eyes, she knows that there are things more tragic than death. Especially for Oliver. “This will probably be the worst time for him.”

“Because of me.” Felicity forgets sometimes, because he’s so quiet, just how insightful William can be. She makes herself promise, in that moment, never to hurt him with an obvious lie.

Instead she just gives him a watery nod. “Because of how much he loves you.”

“And you too.”

“Yeah, and me too.” This time around, at least she’s sure of that much.

She thinks back to the moments that William is asking about without knowing -- all the times Oliver has died, or come within a breath, all the times he’s run, every tiny tragedy that forced him to sell his soul or sacrifice his humanity. They were selfless actions, ultimately, but that hadn't stopped the pieces of Felicity's heart from chipping away every time. Each hurt is a little different, she’s learned, warped in a way that makes it impossible to fully anticipate.

“Your dad has always been someone who would do anything for his family,” she finds herself repeating softly, flashing back again to the old bunker and the weathered longing of the girl she had been then. “I just wish you two had more time, before....”

Her voice is so close to cracking, and she doesn't want William to hear it, so she leaves the end of the sentence where it lies and reaches behind her on the couch for a blanket. But she freezes with the folded fleece in her hand when he speaks again.

“If you believe the team can get him back, then so do I.” They can still have that time, he's trying to tell her. There's still a future where Oliver gets the chance to be the father he was trying so hard to become, where he gets the family he's been longing for. They just have to find their way there.

It's a cautious but optimistic kind of faith that William has, endearing and trusting, and Felicity wonders where it comes from. Maybe it’s his mother’s, maybe it’s an echo of the pre-Gambit Oliver she never had a chance to know. That he’s willing to place that faith in her, however, she knows where that comes from just as surely as the blue in his eyes.

“I do believe it,” she tells him, tasting the words in her mouth and realizing that's they're true. “And I believe in your dad.”

“Me too.” He lays back across his end of the couch then, and pulls his legs up parallel to hers, sharing the blanket when she offers it. A few episodes later, his eyes are closed and the light, steady sound of his breathing echoes around her when the Netflix screen goes to black again.

Felicity stands after a long moment, and takes in the sight of Oliver’s son, sleeping on the couch, as a pang of domestic nostalgia plunges through her chest. He’s surely exhausted, but he looks peaceful in a way she knows is impossible, and her eyes offer up a fresh round of tears when she realizes that, if Oliver were here, he could carry him to bed. Without his strength, her options are limited to either leaving William to sleep on the couch or waking him and having to watch the day’s events wash over him again. There's not really a choice to make.

She tucks the blanket up a little higher, pressing a kiss to his forehead and switching off the TV and the nearby lights before climbing the stairs to her own room, where another heartbreak awaits.

Felicity slept alone for years before Oliver, but since they've been together, something inside her has shifted. The prospect of getting into a bed that doesn’t have him in it feels crushingly, hopelessly lonely in a way it never used to. But she's bone-tired too, so she washes her face and changes into one of his old hoodies, wrapping herself in the scent of his soap and favorite fabric softener, before curling around his pillow and crying herself into a fitful slumber.

It doesn’t last long. She drifts in and out for a while before she accepts that she's just too anxious to get any real rest. Instead, she lays there and thinks about what lies ahead. She wonders how long Oliver will be gone this time, how much he'll miss. She worries about his safety and agonizes over the likelihood that the person who will hurt him the most while he's locked up is already in that one-man cell with him. She considers how grateful she is that Thea wasn't here to watch her brother get dragged away again, even though Felicity selfishly longs for the support. And she thinks about the boy downstairs, who is now looking to her as his only parent.

Before she realizes it, she’s spent a few hours working herself into something of a frenzy. But even then, she has to wait a little longer until it's a semi-reasonable hour to make a phone call.

There's at least a half dozen well-thought-out questions on the tip of her tongue as she dials the number, but the second Felicity hears her mother’s voice, there’s only one thing she can think to ask.

“How did you do it?”

She sounds like a stranger to her own ears, but thankfully, Donna is with her immediately. “Felicity? What’s wrong?”

The tears start to fall immediately. Maybe they never stopped.

“How did you do it, mom? When dad left, how did you…” The words catch in her throat on an emotional trip wire that leaves her sputtering.

“Hon, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

“Oliver’s… Oliver has to go away for a while. You might see something on the news.” Her mother’s not one to spend much time on the internet, but Felicity cringes at the thought of Donna flipping channels and coming across Oliver’s perp walk.

“Oh baby,” her mother croons mournfully, “I'm so sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Felicity feels a panicked stutter in her chest, and tries to will her heart rate down with deep, shuddering breaths. “I just… I’m so worried. For him, and for William.”

All her calming techniques are for naught, though, because there are tears in Donna’s voice now, and it's a contagious kind of thing. “That poor, sweet boy. How is he taking it?”

“He's as good as can be expected, I guess. But mom, I can't… I don't know how to do this by myself. Parenting, and everything. I’ve never done it without Oliver.”

“Well, you love him, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” she answers dumbly. “He's my husband.” It's as simple as that, or at least it should be. She’s loved Oliver since before she even knew what it was, and she plans to love him forever; she should be able to do this for him without a second thought.

But her mother interrupts her train of guilty, weighted thought before she can take it over the cliff. “Not Oliver, hon. William.”

“Oh. Yeah. Yes, of course.” It's the truth, and Felicity knows it, even if the veracity of it surprises her a little. Just a year ago, she had been shell-shocked at the boy's mere existence, and now he has his very own compartment in her heart. “Of course I do.”

“Then that's where you start,” Donna tells her, matter of fact. “Kids need a lot. But that's what they need the most.”

She wonders if her mother's always been this wise, or if this is just something that kicks in when your kid needs you. She wonders if that's something she'll find out on her own.

“I don't want to ruin his life. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to be his mom.”

“Oh, baby, you won't ruin his life.” Donna sounds so certain, still, and it might be silly but it helps. “You do your best for that boy and he'll be better for it. I'm sure of that. Hard times can make good people strong. Remember what Bubbe used to say about diamonds?”

Felicity makes a soft sound of acknowledgement, though she's fairly certain the metaphor was not unique to her grandmother.

“I hate that's it's true, but you're a shining example of that, my darling girl,” her mother says, with a different kind of ache in her voice. “And, for that matter, so is Oliver. I'd say William's got a pretty good shot.”

The words temper things a bit, but the mention of her own formative fatherless years stokes another kind of worry.

“Mom, you might start hearing some things about Oliver as all of this plays out. I want you to know, he…”

“Honey, I know everything I need to know,” Donna interrupts, waving her off with a casual tone. “That husband of yours is a good man with a good heart, and I knew it the first time I met him -- just like I know that it would take death or the devil himself to drag him away from you.”

If only her mother knew how many times they've actually contended with those threats exactly, Felicity thinks. Still, something in Donna's assessment soothes the feral bit of panic that's made itself a home in her gut until it feels almost manageable. “Thanks, mom.”

“As for William,” her mother adds, “you don’t have to love him like he’s yours, you know. You just have to love him.”

They say their goodbyes with a promise to talk soon, and Felicity pulls herself out of bed to make her way downstairs and start the first day of whatever this is going to be. William’s already up, standing on his tiptoes at the counter, dunking slices of bread into a large mixing bowl.

She stands for a moment on the stairs, watching him, and then suddenly, she's transported back to the tiny kitchen at her mother’s apartment in Vegas. She sees herself, boiling water for Kraft macaroni and cheese, tiny glasses fogging up because she's just barely taller than the saucepan on the stovetop. To this day, there's still a silvery patch of skin on the back of her wrist, from the handful of times she had overshot the colander with the steaming pot of boiling pasta.

But that won't happen to William. That kind of latchkey loneliness won't ever be his life. She will not fall to pieces in his father's absence and, mercifully, they have the resources to ensure that he won't have to fend for himself until he's good and ready.

Felicity gives her head a definitive shake, banishing the memory to the recesses of her mind, and continues down the stairs.

“Morning,” William says, with only a half glance up. She wonders if he knew she was standing there, watching.

“Morning,” she answers, then clears her throat, because that's a stranger's voice.  “French Toast?”

“Dad showed me how the other week.” He looks down at the open notepad again -- Oliver’s makeship recipe book, Felicity realizes -- and scrunches his nose up as he reads the longhand scribbles on the page.

That's another mannerism that must come from Samantha, Felicity thinks. She wishes there were a way to save these things for him to recall later -- when the wounds aren't so fresh. She hopes he'll be able to see his mother in himself as he gets older, to savor the memories of a woman she never got a chance to know.

“Is...is that okay?” 

Felicity looks up and sees William with an egg-soaked slice of bread in hand and a concerned look on his face, worried that her sudden silence is disapproval.

“Oh, yeah, of course!” she sputters, taking a seat. “Yeah, it smells great. Thanks.”

She does love him, Felicity thinks a few moments later, as he deftly switches off the burner and brings the plates to the kitchen island, sitting to her right on the stool she already thinks of as his. Fiercely, too. She’s not sure, exactly when it happened, or how. But she loves William for the boy he is, separately from her love for his father. And she believes her mother when she says that’s the most important thing.

They eat in silence for a few minutes, but she can practically feel William working himself up to ask her a question. When he does, it's not at all what she expected.

“Will you tell me the story of the computer?”

Felicity glances at him with a confused frown. “The computer with the bullets in it, the first time you met my dad. You said you’d tell me the story someday.”

“Oh! Yeah, I guess I did, didn’t I?” she laughs, a little bit in relief, dragging the last bite of her breakfast through the syrup pooled on the plate. “Well, there’s not much more to it than that. You know the Palmer Tech building? That used to be Queen Consolidated, Oliver’s family’s company.”

Felicity expects a reaction of some kind, but William just nods. This is either old news or an uninteresting detail in the tale he really wants to hear.

“I worked there, in the IT department, and one day, my boss’s boss’s son came to me with a laptop that was clearly riddled with bullet holes and a bogus story about how it wasn't working because he spilled coffee on it.”

“And you helped him?” William asks with a grin. “Why?”

“Curiosity, at first. I knew he was hiding something and I wanted to know what it was.”

“And that’s when you fell in love with him?”

She laughs at the incredulous tone of his voice. “Yes. Well, maybe.” William screws up his face again at the indistinct. Felicity remembers what it used to be like, to hear people talk about love before you knew exactly how it felt to have that kind of longing loop its way through your insides and pull.

“I think I probably did love him then, but I don’t think I knew it until I joined the team,” she admits wistfully. “I always felt like I was meant to be doing something… bigger, you know? I just didn’t know what. And I didn’t know how to get there.”

She thinks of the people she used to be: the lost little girl, the straight-edge know-it-all mathlete, the reckless daredevil hacktivist. She thinks of the bits of them that are still left in her, that shape the woman she is today.

“When I met your dad -- really met him, hood and arrows and raccoon eyes and all -- it was like... so many of the pieces of my life started to come together,” she tells William. “I started to see where everything fit.”

“How did you find out who he was?” She knows the boy is asking for the specifics of his father’s life as a vigilante, but it hits her like a heavier question. Maybe they’re one in the same.

“He was hurt, and he came to me.” She spares him the imagery of Moira’s gun and Oliver flatlining in the dingy old lair. “He had to take off his mask, so that I’d trust him.”

“And you did?”

“Yeah, I did. Still do. Always have.”

“But you also said he lied,” William remembers with a small frown. “That he kept secrets.”

“Yeah, he has.” Felicity nods solemnly. “And it hurts, but it’s complicated, because when he does those things, he’s usually doing it for a virtuous reason, to save someone else.”

“Just like yesterday.” Again, the boy's capacity to piece together the fragmented details of their jagged lives takes her by surprise.

“Exactly like yesterday,” she agrees. “I'm mad as hell at him for making that call on his own. And I'm furious that there wasn't a better way out. But he did it for us. And I can't hate him for that. If anything, some part of me loves him even more for it.”

William just nods again. “Me too.” But that soft reassurance seems to be the end of it, for now, as he stands to clear the dishes, insisting on washing up himself, despite her half-hearted offer to help.

Felicity knows there's probably some other conversation they should be having now, about family and responsibilities and who's taking care of who, but she's emotionally drained already, and that was only breakfast. So she puts that talk away in her mind for a while, retreating to her office instead and rooting through the desk drawers until she finds the keys to the storage locker garage with the shiny luxury fob attached.

It's worth it, because William cracks his first real smile in days when she asks if he's ever been to Vegas.

They pack a few days of clothes into small bags that will fit in the Porsche, and Felicity hazards a call to Digg, cursing her eyes for welling up at the sound of his voice, a familiar touchstone in a world that feels upside-down right now.

He doesn't like her plan. She hadn't expected him to. “Diaz is going to be coming for revenge, Felicity. Soon.” But she thinks he knows better than to try and talk her out of it right now.

“That seems like an okay time to get the heck out of town, to me.”

He can’t argue much with that, and after a lengthy rundown of the security precautions she’s already planned -- plus a few suggestions on Digg’s end that sound suspiciously ARGUS-influenced -- he sounds slightly more satisfied.

“Call me. Frequently,” he insists.

“You too,” she answers, eyes flooding again. “And if anything happens…”

“We got it, Felicity.” It's good that he says so, and quickly, because she can't even begin to consider the tragedies that could live in that ellipses. “You two take care of each other.”

“We will.” She grins just a little in spite of herself. “Hugs to Lyla and the Digglet. We’ll see you soon.”

The sun's just barely up as they head out of town, but William asks if they can put the top down anyway. It's a lucky thing, because the wind whips Felicity’s glassy eyes dry when they hit the stretch of highway where Oliver once turned to her and said "I'm happy," like he couldn't quite believe it himself.

The diamond on her left hand catches the rising sunlight, and it reminds her how the right things can become beautiful under pressure. She's done this before, built a home without bricks or mortar and held onto happiness with nothing more than her own two hands. She can do it again, she’s certain of it.

She reaches over to the passenger’s seat to ruffle William's hair and he gives her a cautious smile that looks so much like his father's it cuts right through her.

They had made it then, the two of them. They survived so much for their moment in the sun, and Felicity knows in her heart that those are only the first few chapters of their story. She can do it again, for Oliver, and for his son. She’s someone who can do anything for her family.

A/N: Sight of the Son, amirite? (That's a joke for the OG readers, but sure, newbies, if you're down for a Porsche-load of post-s3 feelings, go ahead and check it out.) I'll see myself out.

A/N 2: I cannot believe myself, but I actually have some bits written for a second part of this if anyone's interested.

[amwritingmeta]

13x14: Commander Cas and Dean the Foot Soldier

I know this sounds like the title of a delightfully smutty sub/dom piece of fan fiction, but it really isn’t. (sorry) (or maybe it is!) (no infringement intended)

So, I wrote a bit about Cas quite possibly being set up for self-liberation this season by already being shown to have severed his ties to Heaven.

To boil it down: what I took from 13x14 is that he’s being shown to instead have begun to serve Man, aka humanity. The fact that we’ve seen him be disillusioned by and actively rejecting Heaven throughout the season naturally serves to underline this for us. I mean -->

Let me be perfectly clear and immediately tell you I don’t see this shift of servitude - moving from Heaven to humanity - as a positive one at this moment, not how I read that final scene of 13x14, because Cas is absolutely still being governed by his grace into this narrow-minded duty bound Mission Mode he’s on. “The only thing that matters” and all that.

He is still failing in breaking free and asking himself what he wants, rather than doing what he believes is needed of him.

Now, here’s the thing, Cas has been self-assured since he came back. 

For example, the act of getting himself out of the Empty clearly filled him with confidence. He’s found his way back to himself without the depression, but he still has quite a ways to go to prevent himself ending right back in the position that brought on that depression in the first place: a lack of sense of identity.

And what is he doing in 13x14? He is (by necessity) revisiting well-trodden ground to, hopefully, learn the lesson once and for all and truly face what it is that keeps holding him back, keeps messing him up. 

He’s come back with a sense of self, for sure. I mean, he’s not happy that Dean is so happy in 13x06. In fact, he’s frowning up a storm, clearly not exactly pleased that they go on a joyride case right after he’s come back from the dead, not understanding what Dean’s happiness is actually all about, not getting for a second that Dean was broken and it’s his return that’s healed Dean right up. (totally my reading btw - not official real meta)

But it makes sense, right? By 13x13, Cas is so fucking fed up with being taken for granted. With having his strings pulled, if you will, just like he was in S11, where he expressed his anger at his lack of control, not understanding that this lack of control is directly fucking linked to that one thing he actually believes GIVES him control: his damn grace. 

(I am sorry) (I am just not anywhere a fan of that grace anymore) (it is toxic) 

In 13x12 he begins to take action, and he takes it for himself, right? He got himself out of the cage in the Asylum by pissing Lucifer off. Then he got himself back to the brothers in 13x13, learning they never even suspected something had happened to him. I would think that with all the shit going down Cas can’t quite help but move from this attitude of his -->

into this other one -->

I mean -->

Oh yeah. Because 13x14 is so much about lining him up alongside Lucifer that it kind of explodes my mind.

Why?

Because what is one of Cas’ deepest fears, informative of so much of his behaviour, even though he continuously beats against it because his internal need (to be human) is much, much greater than this fear, so much so that his individual arc is pushing him to conquer it?

One of his deepest fears is that severing his ties with Heaven means that he will automatically turn evil.

Consciously and logically he should know this isn’t what will happen to him.

But Lucifer being cast down from Heaven, all the evil Lucifer represents, all the evil Lucifer has done, infects Cas’ choices with the fear that if he chooses a path even remotely similar, it will lead to only one single destination, which means hating and hurting humanity.

It’s an internal obstacle so huge that it’s almost insurmountable.

As long as Cas, subconsciously, remains believing it’s the truth.

And this belief is exactly why the narrative would ever line him up alongside this fear and practically tell us he’s actually becoming what he dreads the most.

Because the reason he’s becoming what he dreads most is due to?

Well, his choices this episode are framed around the fact (if my reading is right) that he believes himself to be acting for the good of humanity now, right? So when an order comes from humanity, well, then that makes that order just, right? Yes, that’s right, because Cas isn’t following his own innate humanity here, he is following Dean “humanity” Winchester’s “order” of whatever it takes. 

He is taking Dean’s words and fitting that order to his own line of thinking BECAUSE HE STILL HAS HIS GRACE.

We’ve seen him do this with Heaven’s orders as well, because he was unable to justify him choosing Sam and Dean again and again any other way than if that choice was directly linked to his orders from Heaven, which he interpreted as being the same as him being put on Earth in order to protect the Winchesters. This self-deception was put an and to by Hester at the end of S7.

Why is he doing it now? Because he knows now that he wants to belong on Earth, he’s come as far as to not kid himself anymore about this, but he’s still making up excuses for why exactly that is. Of course he wants to protect Jack, but Jack has become yet another tool of self-deception. A mission to justify every choice Cas is making is in order to protect and not because he deep down wants to let go of the old and begin anew.

Now, mirroring him with Lucifer the way that they are clearly doing in this episode tells me that what Cas is doing now, and this path he is choosing, is not the right way, is not the better way. 

He is acting as the solider out of this life-long dread of what it would mean for him to not be the soldier.

He is acting out of fear.

Moreover, he is serving humanity, he is making choices believing himself acting for the good of humanity, but he is still guided by his belief that he is needed, first and foremost, as the weapon. 

And, to me, what the narrative is saying is that he will never find the right way, the better way, if he holds onto his grace.

His GRACE will be his downfall, keeping him chained to duty and old fears and blinding ideals.

All of this said, I want to also look at what’s good here. What gives me a lot of faith that, of course, he’s being setup for the narrative to teach him one big lesson and, hopefully, it’s for the final time.

Because by the end of the episode he has stepped into the role of captain, of commander. 

He is stating what is the only way they can win, the only way they can survive, and he is shown to (believe himself to) be in complete control of the situation. He’s even explaining his actions away, and does a good job of it, because he has to, since Dean questions those actions with something as simple as -->

It’s so very significant, that What’s wrong with you?, mostly because I’m hoping it will work at the back of Cas’ head so that he actually starts asking himself that at some point.

Because that question isn't twistable into humanity needing protection, like the other significant thing Dean said to him this episode was: whatever it takes.  This What’s wrong with you? is wholly delivered by Dean to Cas, a personal query, concerned and worried.

The intriguing thing, to me, about this final scene, however, is how forceful Cas is, how self-assured he is that he’s right, and how he ultimately convinces Dean of it. We see Dean be won over, and in 14x15 he is absolutely on board with this plan of Cas’ being the right one.

It’s so good - and it’s SO BAD.

Because Cas isn’t meant to lead them - to my mind, Sam is meant to be the leader figure in TFW. And I’m sure I’m far from alone in thinking that!

(13x15 hammered this home even more and I’m squealing) (squealing I tell you!!)

It’s true that Cas isn’t a born follower. He’s never quite felt like he fit in Heaven, right? He’s “never done what he’s told”, meaning he’s questioned orders, and subconsciously questioned his place, for a very long time. And he commanded his own flight of angels in Heaven, but they were always acting under someone else’s orders. He has leadership in him, especially once he’s balanced out, I’ve no doubt of that, but I feel he never really wanted or truly desired the weight of the leadership cape on his shoulders. He put it on out of necessity. 

My take is that he would make a good team member, because we know he’ll question an order if he disagrees with it, and a team dynamic needs people who think for themselves as much as they can adhere to someone else’s leadership, but he’s not meant to try and see the bigger picture all on his own, especially not while that grace of his is blocking him off from his humanity.

But Dean nodding his head in agreement, ready to follow Cas’ lead in this, not to mention their previous exchange of --> 

Dean: What exactly gives you the right?  Cas: Nothing. I took it. 

--> sends such S6 echoes my way I barely know where to look:

And all the heartbreak and pain and grief and horror that followed on the miscommunications of this season, based in this need to carry all the weight on ones own two shoulders.

And it makes me immediately think of how this defining 6x20 exchange, coming off the back of one messed up season filled with mistrust and suspicion and half-truths, bye the end of S9 is tied back to, when Dean watches an angel kill himself with an angel blade, declaring he’s doing it for Castiel, who is now the chosen commander of his own army of angels. (and let’s note how Dean is absolutely not able to look at Cas as a commander in any way, shape or form)

Dean: Cas, I know you try to be a good guy, okay, I do. You try. But what you’ve got here - this is a fricking cult. The last time you had this kinda juice you did kill humans, and angels, and you did nothing but lie to me and Sam about it the whole damn time.

This mistrust isn’t informative, because I would say it’s influenced heavily by the Mark, but it does show a wound that cuts so deep it still hasn’t fully healed, which I rather love. Cas undid Sam’s wall by the end of S6 -  a means to ending the brothers interfering and getting themselves killed, but still - this isn’t something Dean can easily get over, no matter how unshaken the foundation for his trust in Cas still remains. Cas is known to make bad decisions believing them to be for the greater good. (While the brothers make bad decisions for the sake of what’s good for them, for family.) (so yeah - strike that balance, boys)

Yes, well, when you give up an entire army for one guy...

My point is that we have a S6 exchange of Dean trying to convince Cas to step down, to trust him implicitly and do as he orders him to do (though Dean looks at it as a request) - Cas shooting this need for control down by pointing out that Dean’s just a man while Cas is an angel.

We then have this S9 exchange where Dean reveals that Cas’ actions while toeing the line of megalomania has left his use of power questionable. Add to that the fact that Dean states more than once how he absolutely cannot look at Cas as any type of leader figure. Control freak Dean wouldn’t, would he? No matter how much trust and faith he has in Cas’ actual capabilities, he will deny this to his dying breath because he must be top dog or bust.

Now in 13x14, yes, Dean questions Cas and rightly so, but he steps down, he listens to Cas’ convincing argument, Cas tying it back to what Dean has said twice this season, and this whatever it takes mentality being something Dean can relate to whole heartedly. It’s what he already believes in. He sees the truth of Cas’ words and chooses, this time, not to rip the argument apart and force the upper hand. Instead, he stands down. Cas got them the answers they needed, Cas knows what they have to do. Dean will follow him.

I mean, if this reading is anywhere near correct, this gives me many, many feelings.

If Dean is relinquishing his leadership to Cas, though, this is one big leap forward for him and it means he’s actually ready to open himself up to other things. But I won’t pick Dean apart here because this post is already way too long, my peeps! 

And btw I don’t expect Dean to not lead or take any responsibility or go from needing absolute control to not needing it at all in just one episode.

Baby steps.

But if this is the first baby step. Oh, boy with the final leg of his journey already!

Also, siding with Cas in his destructive scheme to save the world? No good. But if they’re setting us up for the narrative focusing on Dean and Cas, while Sam is pushed to the side because he needs to be brought into the final leg of his journey as well, which should begin with him breaking with the codependency, then bring it! It’s such a gorgeous setup!!

Tagging a few peeps who might find this of interest @elizabethrobertajones @bluestar86 @tinkdw @margarittet @super-sootica @godshipsit @charlie-minion @paperwhitenarcissus @thedogsled @amyoatmeal @sactownbrowns3 @thetwistedwillow @naruhearts @weathergirl83 @casistooadorableandithurts @fuckedupasusual @woahthisguy