#and then when we rightfully call him out on his dick behavior he gets mad and slams things and mutters under his breath

[natjennie]

does anyone out here have a dad that isnt an asshole all the fucking time. like is it even possible.

[petitprincess1]

So,

I want to have a calm discussion with you about Stella. I want to make it clear that I am not upset that Stella turned out to be the villain. It was obvious from the beginning that we are not supposed to like her.

However, I am mad that Stella wasn’t given more depth than what we got. I guess that I expect Stella to be similar to Belos in a way.

I know that might not make sense, but I only ask that you let me explain.

In the show, Owl House, Belos is meant to be characterized as a irredeemable person. We are supposed to hate him. Despite all of that, the writers manage to write Belos in an interesting way. He is capable of showing multiple different emotions with different other characters. We even see him being nice to Hunter. Throughout the show, the audience can see Belos as a monster, but they can also understand that why he acts the way he does.

Belos is not the only character make complex. Many of the villains in Helluva Boss are often shown to be horrible people. Although, they kinda have a good reason to hate the protagonists. Verosika, Asmodeus, and Fizzarolli are also shown with multiple different emotions and problems of their own.

I know that Helluva Boss can still make Stella more complex. However, this episode does not give me hope. Like, the writers did everything they could to make the audience hate Stella in every way possible. The episode felt like they wanted us to root for Stolas x Blitzo no matter what. I am not against Stolas x Blitzo being canon. However, I just hopped that the relationship between Stolas, Blitzo, and Stella would be more complicated than what it turned out.

You can still make Stella an abuser, but maybe she is more manipulative and smart.

Currently, in Helluva Boss, Stella is not only just an evil monster. She is also really dumb.

Like, despite not wanting a divorce, she didn’t do anything to try to convince Stolas not insist on a divorce, at least until she killed him. She didn’t try to use Octavia to manipulate him into staying. Why did she sent a bunch of imps to kill Stolas despite imps being extremely weak? Why did she have a party insulting Stolas if she cares so much about appearance? This happened while they are still married. Doesn’t she realize that ruining Stolas’s reputation could hurt her’s ?

Why is marriage so important in a society where demons like to cheat on each other anyway?

I don’t know. That is my take on the situation. I am sorry if this came off as rude.

Thank you for your time!

....Demons like to cheat on each other? Where did you get that from? House of Asmodeus is showing and telling you that what Stolas did was wrong. Not only that but Fizz and Verosika also gang up on Blitzo, who rightfully gets called a dick for his behavior. Heck, in the same song, when Verosika climbs up on a couple's table, the guy starts taking pictures of her and his girlfriend/wife is clearly pissed. Once again, Helluva Boss is showing you that this behavior isn't acceptable AT LEAST around Hellborns.

Why didn't she manipulate Octavia? Because Via doesn't like her. Again, we see this subtly with Loo Loo Land and Via expressing specific concerns about Stolas leaving, even in the beginning of the ep, she has a nightmare of her dad no longer being in the castle. Why would she suddenly care for Stella? If anything, I think Octavia would immediately take his side.

Why was Stella talking shit about Stolas at the party and risking ruining his rep? Well, considering that people showed up and some laughed along with her......something tells me that he doesn't have the best reputation. I mean, Paimon got away with calling his son a bitch and an idiot. So, it's probably quite normal for Goetians to be assholes. Also, Stella likes having parties and tormenting Stolas...so it's a win-win.

Why did Stella hire imps to kill Stolas? Because it's easier to place the blame on those lower than you? Also, did you forget Striker has angelic weaponry? So, he's not at a disadvantage against Stolas. He can easily kill him. However, if he deals the final blow, I wouldn't be shocked if she immediately calls the police on him. Not only would Striker be committing treason but he also has illegal weaponry on him. Plus...people hire hitman irl...why is that hard to believe?

Finally, that comparison with Belos and Stella is horribly surface-level and dumb. You compared a character that has had seasons worth of development....versus one who has been seen in a couple eps. Maybe, you know....wait until we have more than just a few eps to base her character on???

Also, she's not manipulative? "How dare you!? What do you think the rest of the Goetia family will think? Andrealphus-" This alone shows that she's being manipulative. For her to bring it up so easily, this means that she's used that before against Stolas. Same with her getting shocked that Stolas blocked her smacking him.

A lot of you seem to want Helluva to do the exact opposite of "show don't tell". It does a fantastic job of dropping in subtle hints of what's to come or how a character reacts. Some not-so-subtle like Ozzie talking about hating love songs, and yet is also loving Fizz at the same time. So, where you guys see bad writing...it's not bad...it's just kinda been shown before or it has yet to be said.

So, yeah, maybe wait until we have more than like 3 eps that feature Stella lol

[inu-jiru]

A Spiteful Ho Rambles About Stella, Stolas, and Stolitz

WARNING: This is gonna be a long, jumbled mess that won’t be proofread or plotlined cuz I can’t be bothered to. Also I say some not nice things about Stolas because I don’t like him so if that’s an issue for you, then you can go ahead and bounce right now

Imma start this off by saying I don’t usually do this kind of ramble/analysis, especially not on tumblr. I’ve done it once before for another fandom, but only because I had enough of the shitty hot takes and I wanted to be petty and passive-aggressive without someone responding with their flawed logic. This is a similar situation. I can’t really talk about my true feelings on certain aspects of Helluva Boss without being shrieked at. I suppose I could just ignore it but I get aggressive when people say dumb shit to me. So, here we are. 

I didn’t always dislike Stolas, or even Stolitz, honestly. They were both just kinda there while my main interest was on the IMP. However, since the show is now forcing me to look at Stolas and the inevitability of Stolitz, it’s gotten me thinking. It was fine when it was a quick joke that I could kinda chuckle at and then move on from, but now I’m expected to care and feel sad that Stolas, Mr. I’ll Continue Cheating On My Wife In Our Bed In The House My Daughter Lives In Despite Her Running Away And Crying Because Of How Uncomfortable It Made Her, is being called out. I don’t feel bad, and I don’t care how much he cries. I know it’s Hell, that’s the excuse everyone makes, but that doesn’t automatically mean I have to accept shitty behavior. 

Take episode 7, as sad as it it that Blitzo fell apart at the end, it really was his own fault for trying to intrude on Moxxie and Millie (and everyone he’s done to Virozika and Fizz) and he deserved it. I love Blitzo, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a fair consequence for his behavior. I’m more forgiving of Blitzo because of the implications that things were rough for him in life. He’s the lowest of the low, running a business in a world where it’s implied that Imps are more servants or employees of higher demons. He’s probably lost family and is now terrified of intimacy that he has to sabotage it. Again, none of this is an excuse, but I feel far more pity for him than some pompous dumbass who literally yells in front of crowds of people about Blitzo’s dick and then wants to act surprised and sad when Ozzy brings it up. Like, no. I don’t feel sad for you, ass. And it’s not just the betrayal of his family that gets me, it’s the implications behind it. Hell is built of a hierarchy that we literally have an image of to see where all demons lie. Hell, of fucking course, is not a nice place, especially if you’re at the bottom. This is where Stella comes in.

Everyone wants to spout that “Oh Stella’s just mad cuz it’s a lower class Imp” shit constantly like it’s supposed to mean something and to that, I say, why the fuck wouldn’t she be? In a place where your status means everything, especially if Stella’s a Hellborn raised with this mentality, then why wouldn’t she be terrified of what Stolas’ dumbass could do to her reputation? Apparently people just want her to roll over and accepted it when everyone turns against her and her family, ridiculing her on the street and doing who fucking knows what else all because of shit she didn’t even do. But it’s okay, just headcanon that Stella is ALSO cheating or that she’s abusive (even though there’s no actual evidence for it aside from her being rightfully angry at Stolas’ shitty non-apology of “Oh tee hee couldn’t get a hotel can’t be mad”) in order to make Stolas look justified. Whatever helps yall sleep better at night, I guess. That’s what pisses me off, the fact that people will just project their shitty hot takes on a character who’s been shown to be the victim all because she has the audacity to not wanna suffer because of SOMEONE ELSE FUCKING UP, while letting the actual problem slide because he’s “”””””hot”””””” and gay and a “””””””””””””””good dad””””””””””””” (yes because all great dads just completely ignore their daughters talking about wanting to kill themselves rather than go to a shitty theme park, drag them to said theme park and ignore them the whole time while giving all your attention to the fucker YOU BROUGHT that YOU’RE CHEATING WITH, and STILL continuing the bad behavior even after your daughter has made it clear that it’s uncomfortable and ruining their family, yes please adopt me Stolas, I’ll make matchng nooses for me and Octavia).

And now Stolitz. I don’t like it, and unfortunately even with blocking the tag I still see it, so that’s greeeeeeeat. Like Stolas, I was indifferent mostly at first, but now that I’m being expected to see it as the end game for Helluva Boss, it’s made me hate it. I do think Blitzo needs to learn to love properly, but not with Stolas. Stolas does not deserve Blitzo. Blitzo hardly even looks at him without looking and sounding irritated ( and episode 6 doesn’t count because I fully believe that kiss that just some cheap “LOOK STOLITZ IS GONNA BE CANON GUYS OMG SO HAWTTTT” to try and pretend that Blitzo likes him. Even in the trip scene when Blitzo is in a chain, he looks uncomfortable, not like he secretly wants it. If he did (for some reason) want Stolas, I’d expect to see him kinda smile a bit before frowning as if trying to protect himself, but we don’t. He’s more happy in his picture with Verosika than with Stolas. and I doubt that Blitza was any different that current Blitzo. But, it’s fine. At the end of the day, I don’t have to accept Stolitz. I can come up with a AU, and in fact, I have, one I should really do art or writing for. Maybe one day, I’ll manage to finish that Ipos fanfiction.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough, it’s late and I’m tired. I feel so much better letting this all off my chest. Don’t try to argue with me about “pOoR mIsUndErsToOd StoLAs” in the replies cuz only certain people can reply to me and if that’s a problem, then die mad about it.

See ya.

[bitimdrake]

Preboot when Bruce screwed up even if he didn’t face consequences it was still clear that he was at fault and in the wrong. Post-New 52 the writing and the narrative jump through hoops to excuse his actions and absolve him of blame. Everything from forcing Dick to go undercover for Spyral, not arranging for a way to extract Dick in the case of Bruce’s own inaccessibility, taking Jason back to the sight of his own death with the express purpose of triggering him, completely mishandling Dick’s amnesia in the worst way possible, hitting Tim, abandoning Gotham during the Bane story, etc etc etc And the narrative doesn’t hold him accountable for any of it! Everything Bruce does these days we are supposed to see as justified or reasonable or understandable, but it’s just not! It results in a disconnect on my part as the reader and then I need to go track down instances of Preboot Bruce getting rightfully yelled at for being an ass, because those just don’t happen anymore

Yeaaah. I have not read most of those reboot events yet (though I've heard about them), but already I can see the pattern.

And it's not 100%--like, based on that Batman & Robin issue with Jason, I'm pretty sure we are supposed to see Bruce as awful and in the wrong for taking Jason back to Ethiopia with false promises. Or, e.g., in preboot, Bruce was rarely ever held accountable for treating Steph like shit and usually the narrative tried to hold him up as right.

Still, it feels like there used to be much more willingness to at least admit Bruce was wrong. New Teen Titans and Nightwing could honestly show the ways he'd hurt Dick without absolving him. Robin could have Tim get mad at him, and have the narrative fully support Tim in doing so. Batgirl v1 had Babs and Bruce constantly calling each other out about their expectations for and treatment of Cass, and Oracle!Babs in general had no hesitation in yelling at Bruce. And once we hit Batgirl v3, we even finally got to have the story be on Steph's side as she argued against him.

...on the other hand, I gotta remind myself to not totally fall into a good old days nostalgia, because even back then, comics would never finish following the thread.

Bruce could do something wrong, and be treated as wrong, and have us sympathize with the kids and against him. But comics were never actually going to call him abusive, or even let Bruce himself really understand his behavior (let alone change). In-universe, the kids always eventually have to accept he's never going to change, and it's unfairly their responsibility to forgive without exception if they don't want to lose him. And in a way, the readers have to do the same, because we will eventually return to Bruce being the hero, no matter what he's just done.

[itsbxtgirl-a]

you'll be fine, i'm right here by your side // timsteph

WHO: Tim Drake & Stephanie Brown. With mentions of Bruce Wayne, Ra’s Al Ghul. 

WORDS: 4503 words.

LOCATION: The Batcave.

GENERAL NOTES: Steph gets sick and tired of Tim’s behavior, ignoring his feelings and pushing everyone away. She decides to do something about it only for it to turn in a direction she didn’t expect. Tears are shed, feelings are blurted out. 

WARNINGS: Mild violence in the form of sparring. Timsteph being emo and making US emo in the process!

STEPH: 

Steph prided herself on knowing Tim better than most people. Even when he kept things in and shut the world out, she was still there. She had been watching him be more...well. Bruce like, and it was killing her. Memories of her days at Batgirl and falling more and more for the man she called her best friend seemed distant and she hated that. So she was going to fix it, come hell or high water. That’s how she found herself at the manor, making her way to the batcave, clad in her usual work out attire and her long blonde hair tied up into a ponytail. She had to bite back the sigh that threatened to leave her as soon as she saw Tim was already in there, going to town on training dummies. He was clearly already in some type of mood and Steph just had to nudge him further into the direction to let him get his feelings out. That was going to be trying in itself.

Grabbing two of the training staffs, Steph made her way over to Tim and twirled one in her dominant hand experly before whipping it out to hit the back of his knee harshly. “Let’s go. We’re sparring and I’m not taking no for an answer, Red.” She said simply. “We did this when I was Batgirl and we’re doing it again now. We’re going to do whatever we have to in order to break you out of this entirely too Bruce shaped hole you’ve dug yourself into. So let’s go. Now.” Her eyes were lit with a determined fire, refusing to back down from this. Besides, Steph had some of her own frustrated and hurt feelings that she could definitely work out through sparring. Especially considering they involved the very man standing before her. 

TIM:

A hard thud, heavy breathing. His head was throbbing, and it was probably because he hadn't had his fourth cup of coffee that had gone cold by now, sitting pretty on the Computer's keyboard while he'd felt the sudden urge to release. 

Dick taught him to talk, but Bruce taught him to fight. 

One heaved breath had Tim back upright, flexing his sore, wrapped fingers. He didn't check for blood, if anything there would be some nice scrapes and blossoming bruises he'd have to explain to his professors. They shouldn't worry so damn much... 

At once he was hit. One knee fell to the never-soft-enough mats, a hand whipping down to balance him as he shot nearly a glare behind him. It only softened a fraction when he saw who dealt the blow to his balance. Steph. How did she get here? Did she disarm the alarms?? Did Al let her in??? Why wasn't he made aware?! Another hard huff, his tense shoulders only dropping with the releasing air. "I'm... Not.... In a Bruce-Shaped hole, whatever that means." His voice was a growl, but the back of his mind regretted the tone as soon as the words left his mouth. He shouldn't be like this, Steph shouldn't be seeing him like this. He couldn't help being mad, from years of repressing emotions he couldn't explain away or detective his head around, the white hot core sitting in his stomach nearly numbed anything besides anger: anger purely at himself. 

With an almost too expert air, he smoothly got back on both feet and swiped one of the staffs from the other hero, the familiar weapon feeling all too comfortable in his hands. It was a lightning rod for him to channel his turmoil into, and... he really didn't want to know what he was going to do next. Something told him to stop while he was ahead, to just drop the charade, the mask, and admit he's a lovestruck fool, but his training was telling him otherwise. His training told him to scare her off, before she got hurt. 

Or worse.

"Clearly you're not in the mood for banter. Come on."

STEPH:

Steph merely scowled the moment the glare was directed back at her. The steady anger that had been building and building for what seems like ages was rising, and fast. "Oh? You don't know what it means? Really? You're being an asshole, Tim. Don't try to lie to me. You promised, no lies." That promise felt like a distant memory, one that was becoming harder and harder to cling to. She knew Tim Drake, knew him better than anyone else on this planet and even that felt like it was slipping from her grasp. "You're refusing to feel, whatever's going on with you ends here." That anger was only boiling at a faster rate, she could feel it all through her body. Her ears might as well be blowing out steam with how angry she was getting. 

"Clearly." Steph spat out at Tim and immediately went in on the man before her, swinging at him in harsh and blunt hits. There was red practically painting her vision, clouding over with hurt and pent up frustration at the situation that was her love for one Timothy Jackson Drake. "You are pushing us away. All of us. I know you have endured so much pain in your lifetime, Tim, but you don't have to shoulder it alone." She bit out in between hits and blocks, swinging her staff around to deliver a sharp hit to his side, sure to bruise. "Do you even realize how much I do for you? How often I go out of my way to make sure you're okay? Then you just shove me away. I do something nice for you, the Valentine's gift, and in return get something nice then the remark of 'it was embarrassing." Steph hated the tears that stung at her eyes, forcing them back, focusing on her anger instead. "I want you back, Tim, my best friend. You're hiding in this shell of yourself and I hate it."

TIM:

No more lies. The memory was always fresh, younger kids standing in this very cave, unmasked to both, secret identities revealed for better or for worse. Icy eyes squinted, squaring up to his newfound opponent, resting the bo in his right hand, pressed against the flat of his forearm, preparation. Not only was Steph a formidable opponent against his own training from Lady Shiva, but she sounded pissed. Rightfully so, he deserved this anger, he needed her to be this mad. He just didn't expect her to approach him about it, that made things a bit more difficult.

Even though he could catch her telegraphs, Steph was fast and loose. It was hard on his already plenty sore muscles, the crack of wood on wood reverberating against the noise clouding his mind, the screams that this was wrong, this wasn't supposed to happen. "I... Have to!" Tim grunted out, a hard parry throwing him off balance to slam right into a connecting hit. His eyes shot wide open at the immediate burst of pain. It was almost... a release. He felt some of the heat of the anger he'd held before drain and localize entirely in the blooming colors at his waist. Fuck. 

"I'm doing what I have to, to keep you safe, Steph!" Getting his bearings again, Tim launched into another bout of attacks, blocks, swings. "To keep you all safe!" There was a stinging at the corners of his eyes, it nearly matched the screaming in his arms, the searing at his sides and on his knuckles. Strangely, it didn't drive him forward... It felt like it was adding to the molasses slowing him down. "I have to hide things, hide feelings, or they'll be used against me like they always are, even by Him, I'm not safe from Batman's shit!!" He was slipping, he could feel it. If he didn't get his bearings, if he didn't let his emotions take over his logic, he might just reveal a little... too much.

STEPH:

Tim wasn't being sloppy, he was never sloppy (unless he was extremely sleep deprived), but he seemed almost sluggish. It felt like it was make it much easier than usual for Steph's hits to collide with his body. She could feel the anger coursing through her body like an untapped flow of lava, practically burning her from the inside out. She was tired of pretending like she was okay with him pushing her away, with all these feelings that weren't reciprocated. That the way he had been acting didn't make her want to scream. 

"Have to?!" Steph snapped harshly, "you don't have to keep me—us safe! We're not fucking inept, Timothy!" Another swing. Another block. The words were lodged in her throat, threatening to claw its way out in a moment's notice. Her knuckles were white with how tightly she was holding onto the bo staff, launching into a much more aggressive attack, intent on connecting each hit. "I know you've been through a lot, Tim, more than anyone should have to endure, but we're not sheep being sent to the slaughter. We can more than handle ourselves—" A hard hit to the shoulder, one to the thigh, shoving the end of her staff against his chest. "—and you know that. You're just scared." 

Steph swept her foot out, intent on knocking Tim down. "What feelings are you even talking about? You shouldn't hide what you're feeling, Tim, no matter what bullshit Bruce spouts at us all. You're isolating yourself and that is not okay and I'm done putting up with it. You're not shoving me away. Not anymore."

TIM:

While his brow kept its deep crease, his snarl still baring his teeth against the effort, he felt some sort of wetness fall from his face. He didn't have time to think, or check for that matter, if it was blood or sweat or tears. He almost didn't care, he was laser-focused on the body in front of him, trying to catch her swings as easy as he usually did when they were training. This wasn't usual, he yelled at himself silently. She was out for release, revenge. Think, Detective. What are you feeling?

The familiar inner question had him miss, miss-calculate, almost stopping his heart in the seconds before he felt another hit, and another, and another. She was throwing him off balance, he would've commended the strategy if they weren't having a dispute through it all. The impact on his chest, sternum, not fractured, had him stumbling, and the moment he felt contact against his legs again, he was hitting the mats hard. It knocked the rest of the air out of his lungs, gasping to draw it in again, sputtering at whatever he was choking on in his throat. Why are you crying, Detective?

"Don't... Don't compare me to him... We're nothing alike!!" The harsh shaking sobs combined into knife-sharp rage, silvery and meant to cut. It wasn't for her, no, he would never mean that for her, it was for the man 'generous' enough to adopt him when... dad. 

"I'm not... I'm nothing. I should be nothing, then... thennnNNNN-" Tim didn't take much time getting back up, using the staff as a means to almost vault himself back on his feet, albeit a bit shaky from the current pain shooting through his body. "Then no one else dies!!" His anger was still there as he readied himself again, en garde, but something replaced the fire in his icy eyes. His breath was hitching, shaking his head to clear something that dared to run through it too much, echoing and echoing like mad. Detective. What. Do. You. Truly. Feel. 

"I can't... Lose you too..."

STEPH:

The blood was pumping, elevating the former Batgirl's anger. She wasn't one to bottle things up, but this was a culmination of all her pent up feelings in regards to Tim. Her anger that he was pushing her away, pushing them all away. It wasn't fair, that she loved him so much it left her aching and he just got to push her away like it was nothing. So maybe her strategy was a bit more aggressive, giving into an anger that was punching its way right out of her. Each hit that connected drained that anger out, inch by inch. She watched Tim hit the mat and her movements halted, but for a moment, seeing the tears. It twisted that anger up into something achingly sad, enough to have Steph taking a momentary step back. 

There were no words, lost in her throat only for a new rage to be ignited when he shoved himself back onto his feet. "You're not nothing! You've never been nothing. You've got to stop this whole self blaming shit, you did nothing. You didn't kill anyone, Tim. You've been caught in the crossfire of so many bad situations, of bad guys seeing that little sliver of victory, but that is not. your. fault." Her breathing was almost ragged, unsure if it was from exerting herself with sparring or if it was from wave after wave of emotions she had been holding back for much too long. They were crashing into her like a violent tsunami. There was a wetness on her face, hand coming up to touch her cheek and register it was her crying now.

"You won't lose me. If you can't see that I would do anything for you, then you're a lot stupider than I thought." The words were coming out now. She couldn't stop them now that the floodgates had opened up. "I have always been here, Tim. Morning, night, rain or shine, I've been here. You keep pushing me away and it hurts. It hurts more than anything. Because I—" Steph let out a growl and slammed her staff against the ground, akin to a toddler stomping its foot in the midst of a temper tantrum.

"—I love you, you idiot! It's always been you! There could be a room full of people and I'd only see you. Through Spoiler, Robin, Batgirl, only to be back at Spoiler the one consistent thing in my life was you and my feelings for you. You aren't going to lose me, Tim, because I'm not going anywhere. It'd take a hell of a lot to ever pull me from you." It was quiet, too quiet. Steph's knuckles were white with the force she was holding onto her staff. She said too much. The tears were coming faster now, Steph taking a staggering step back and angrily wiping at her face with the back of her hand. "You're not going to lose me." She whispered once more.

TIM:

The barrage of words hit all at once. Tim tried so hard to stay a rock, a brick wall, against it all, but this... this was Steph. The girl who'd been there through it all, every single thing. Not just the traumas, but the highs and lows, if the lowest lows didn't count towards that. He felt he could only stand there, buried alive by her screams as he left her guard down through her monologue. His body told him he should attack, he has the chance, he can still win this spar... No. No, this was different now. This was morphing into something much more than a release of the bottled feelings he'd crammed into his gut for so damn long.

Slowly, the staff starts to lower, one hand sliding off to rest at his side as his own position becomes more relaxed, if it could even be called that. His eyes stung, his jaw was sore, he couldn't breathe. 

And then it hits. Like a bullet to his heart. I love you.

Suddenly, he feels off balance again, that familiar panic rising in him again, just like it had before, so many times before. The hand still loosely attached to the training weapon dropped it, both hands coming up to clench and claw at his chest, gripping for air or a heartbeat that he couldn't feel. "You.... Y-you..." Stuttering, stumbling, he couldn't take the rising soreness in his joints much longer than that moment. With a weak whine, resonating somewhere in his throat that wasn't wrecked by his emotional toils, he nearly doubled over on himself, catching his falling weight on one knee, hands shooting out to grip the soft ground under him. He needed ground, something to hold him together because he felt like he was coming apart at the seams. Everything he'd tried to build, protect people by keeping them out, was crumbling in those seconds. He was fighting against a method he once thought was tried and true.

"You can't.... you can't say... He's going to hear." A crack in his voice, a full sob registering as he lets himself fall to the floor, elbows propping him up as the only means of support he has left. "If.... He knows... If He knows we.... Everyone I love... Always dies... I. Can't. Lose you." Broken, cracking, the words fall out of his mouth without a filter. Some part of his brain is telling him to shut the hell up, but the other half is pushing the clues forward. You love her, Tim Drake. You always have.

STEPH:

It was like watching a crack in a dam spider out and split open, water pouring out in a violent fashion. Steph was stunned for a beat until Tim crumbled to the ground, dropping the staff in an instant and on her knees beside the bird. "Stop, stop." She insisted, grabbing at his hands that were clawing at his chest. "I need you to breathe for me, Timmy. Okay, can you do that for me?" She asked, hand moving to his hair and brushing the sweaty locks away from his forehead. Her bottom lip trembled, feeling the tears trickling down her cheeks only increase tenfold in seeing Tim cracking and falling apart before her. It hurt, it always ached to see Tim hurting like this. 

It hit Steph like a punch to the gut, all air leaving her within a moment's notice. Her lips were parted, blinking almost dumbly at his words. "Timmy..." she whispered softly, hands moving to cradle his face finally when she realized she needed to spur into action. "No, I'm not leaving you. You're not going to lose me. I will claw my way, kicking and screaming, back to you. Always. There is nothing that could keep me from you without a fight. Him included, if he even dares to get near us." Her thumbs brushed against Tim's cheeks, sweeping away the wetness there. Leaning down, Steph pressed her forehead against his, letting a shaky breath escape her. 

"I love you, Timothy Drake. I have for a very, very long time. I swear I will always come back to you, one way or another. You are everything and more, my pretty bird." Steph was sure she looked a mess, tears staining her cheeks and sweaty ponytail a mess, but her face bloomed into a soft smile as her forehead leaned against Tim's.

TIM:

Tim couldn't believe how fast she got to him. She looked just as hurt seeing him, seeing him like this, as he felt. It resonated in a weird way that he only knew he never wanted to see her look like that again. Wide eyes, wet and glossy, stared into hers, hands shaking in what he could only assume was her own grip, trying to curl up on himself even though his overworked limbs complained to no end. Breathe. Remember... Remember the technique, relaxation. He wouldn't say it, not right now, but she somehow knew exactly how to take care of his attack, the inner turmoil coming and boiling over, one thing he feared she would never have to see... again. Yet, here she was, gentle after the royal ass-kicking she delivered to him just moments before, and she cared. She knew him, she knew him.

"You..." A breath, Tim wasn't sure how many words he could form with panic still having a death-grip on his windpipe. She was... so close. It was so tempting, but he was glued to the floor. Trapped, hands in hers, he wasn't going anywhere without thinking. Wasn't it the thinking that got him here in the first place??

Then she got closer, released his twitching fingers, held him steady. The spot where their foreheads connected felt hot, molten like they dared to fuse together, but comforting in a strange, sweaty sort of way. The thought even had him squinting his eyes as he thought, eyes locked still on their initial target. It really was always you, wasn't it?

Pretty Bird. Tim felt a new heat take over his face, something to make his pale cheeks light up like a Vegas strip. It was distracting enough that his hands stopped their feverish motion, coming up to mirror exactly what Stephanie was holding. Her face felt so small, and he could feel that same heat at the top of his head in his fingertips where the calloused edges gingerly touched.

"Steph I..." His breathing was still abnormal, but he could feel the heat in every labored breath. "I... Love you too."

STEPH:

A soft smile spread across Steph's lips, unable to help it due to the soft pink blush spreading over Tim's cheeks. Her own face felt hot, the gentle touch causing her eyes to briefly flutter shut. Her heart was racing, feeling like it was mere moments from just jumping out of her chest. Swallowing hard, she thought of how she had dreamed of this. Dreamed of the soft lingering touches, the lips being pressed to her own, careful hands holding her like she was something precious. It didn't hold a candle to the actual thing.

I love you too.

A wet laugh was out of Steph's mouth before she could stop it, fingers trembling slightly where they laid against Tim's cheeks. She swallowed hard, eyes fluttering back open and full of tears. It felt like she could fly with how her heart was soaring at those four simple words she had been aching to hear for years now. Her heavy, tired heart was repaired within seconds, stitched together by Tim's words and feeling lighter than it had in such a long time. Stephanie Brown loved Tim Drake and he loved her back. It felt like a dream.

Surging forward without a second guess, Steph's lips pressed to Tim's and her eyes slid shut. Every nerve was aflame, feeling fireworks exploding in her chest with how loved she felt and felt in return for Tim. This was nothing like she could have dreamed for, hoped for even. Slowly, she parted her lips and pulled back enough to keep her forehead against Tim's, eyes still shut.

"Leave it to us to have our first kiss in the damn Batcave of all places." Steph muttered after a beat, snorting slightly.

TIM:

This really felt like something they'd do in a romantic comedy. Coming soon to a theatre near you; two vigilantes meet, one gets a brick to the head, they fall in love, neither of them knows it until they're beating the shit out of each other in their secret HQ. It sounded dorky as all get out, but somehow that sort of thought relaxed him even more on his spot on the floor, it felt like a small return to form, his old form, his old mask. No no, this wasn't a mask, this was Timothy Drake. Finally, he felt a little bit like himself again, and wasn't that something special? 

It didn't take long for the action he was pondering too much over to come from above, warmth invading his mouth, finally spreading through the rest of his muscles as he sat still for a second, taking in exactly what was happening. Stephanie Freakin' Brown was kissing him. Eat your fuckin' heart out, all others.

His grip on her tightened just slightly after that, reality slamming back as he felt himself push into it, returning the ever-gracious favor, a shared moment of silent confession that was wracking his body more so than his workout was. The thin wisps of angry, white heat he felt in his stomach faded and were replaced by... something else. He was still shaky, but this was a new kind of feeling. This one he wasn't going to keep shy, this was all for her. 

When there was a moment for him to come up for air, Tim let out a genuine laugh. It wasn't loud, it wasn't the most confident, and he could still feel the trembling hold of panic in his voice, but it was a laugh all the same. Happiness. That's something he never thought he'd deduce in his head again. "Irony," He replied, chest still heaving from both the lip-contact that felt far too much like heaven and the multitude of other things that followed. He was starting to haze over those... maybe it was the exhaustion. "I... I basically... live down here, so..."

STEPH:

Steph was smiling, she was smiling so much it felt like her face was going to be aching by the time the night was over. Her fingers brushed gingerly over Tim's cheek and she laughed softly along with him, the happiness crashing into her like waves. It felt almost breathtaking, to see Tim's own happiness appear on his face. It sent a warmth through the blonde headed girl all the way down to her very toes. There was nothing quite like seeing Tim Drake happy. Nothing else could compare in her eyes, really.

"Yeah, not surprised at that." Steph teased, sitting back on her heels only to lean in and press a soft kiss to the scar that stretched across the other vigilante's skin there. Every part of Tim was beautiful to Steph, scars and all included in that. Her fingers moved to curl up in Tim's and she finally pushed up to her feet, pulling him along with her. Her other hand cupped his cheek and a smile spread across her face, thumb brushing against the skin there. Now that she had a silent permission to touch him like this, touch him intimately, it was like she was addicted and never getting enough of it.

"Come on. Let's go lay down. We'll blame the mess on Damian." Steph snorted and pulled Tim along gently to the stairs that lead up to the manor. She would force him to lay down, curl up in bed with him and think silently to herself how lucky she was, to be in love with Tim and have him love her in return. Another 'I love you' escaped her, the words practically forcing their way out on their journey. She wouldn't stop saying that for as long as she lived, Steph knew that much. For now, Steph would be happy to say it in between Tim's sheets and cuddles, and fall asleep with the warmth the knowledge brought her. Tim and Stephanie were in love and that meant everything and more.

[queenmorgawse]

transmigration for dummies

chapter three. mdzs scum villain au. read on ao3 + end notes.  credit to @lee-luca, esp as another bit of the comic is mentioned here.  previous | first | next 

One hour, thirty minutes and two hundred rules into his punishment, Jingyi is as bored as he’s ever been in this life. To top it all off, the System isn’t responding to any of his pleas for company, only responding with oops ): something went wrong when he tries to ping it. Back home, this is about when he would have given up on homework and started scrolling through his Twitter feed instead, but there’s not much he can do without his phone.

Ugh, he’d kill for one of these crappy McDonalds games. Even a Kinder toy would make him happy right now. Instead, he doodles on his torn-up first drafts, on which the ink made blots from his clumsy first attempts to imitate the original text’s elegant calligraphy.

He silently adds bic pens to the ever-increasing list of modern appliances he misses.

When badly-drawn stickmen get boring as well, he starts to think about the original Lan Jingyi in his life. Maybe that’s how it works, after all. Mom sure would love someone who’d actually go to bed early when she tells him to. On the other hand, once he got over the initial shock of modern Jingyi’s life, he’d probably find it pretty dull. High school isn’t about to compare to flying swords and cultivation, that’s for sure.  

Opposite him, Sizhui is bent over his own stack of scrolls, poring over rows and rows of tiny characters and absent-mindedly running his fingers along the lines. From the way he hums to himself when he thinks Jingyi is too busy copying to care, he guesses they’re music sheets of some kind. Unlike Jingyi, he looks like he’s actually engrossed in what he’s doing.

Too bad. Jingyi’s reached that point of boredom at which he needs to talk to someone or else he’ll implode. ( Still, he promises himself he’ll stop if Sizhui shows even a hint of genuine annoyance. )

“Hey, Lan Sizhui ⎯ can I call you just Sizhui? Um, sorry I got you stuck here.”

To his relief, the other doesn’t look irritated, just surprised. “Sizhui is fine,” he ventures after a few seconds. A smile breaks out on his face. “That’s good. I was afraid you were still mad me, you’ve been so awkward all day...”

Wait, what? Who’s angry at you? Someone who kicks kittens for fun, probably.

Oh right, me. Maybe he’s the one whose brain needs a reboot. How does he explain that it’s not him who’s mad? Hell, he doesn’t even know what the original is supposed to be mad about. For some reason, it feels weird to ask, just because it seems important enough that admitting he forgot would be insulting.

“Anyway,” Sizhui continues after coughing into his sleeve, “it’s alright, you don’t have to apologize to me. I’ve got to go over these before tomorrow’s lesson anyway, I might as well do it here.”

“Inquiry?” Jingyi ventures, maybe-maybe-not because it’s the only title he clearly remembers from the ones canon mentioned.

“Oh, no. Asking very specific questions is still a bit out of my reach, but Fa...Hanguang-jun wrote down a list of phrases for me, so we’re going to try them tomorrow.” His face softens at the mention of Lan Wangji. If this was a fic, this would be when Jingyi keels over and presses his face into a pillow for a little while.   

The chat devolves into musical cultivation. Jingyi muddles his way through it the best he can, feeling like he’s bullshitting an essay out loud, but Sizhui doesn’t seem to find his vague answers all that off-putting. He still pointedly glances down at the stack of unfinished notes on the table from time to time, but since Jingyi’s calligraphy has been getting worse and worse the less attention he pays to it, maybe it’s for the better.   

When dinner time rolls around, they eat their bowls sitting on the steps leading up to the Library Pavilion, after Sizhui rightfully points out Lan Qiren would have their skins if they spilled even a drop of sauce on the sect’s precious texts. Gradually, Jingyi feels himself relax.

“So, are we chill?” he asks between two mouthfuls of rice.

Sizhui just stares at him.

Right. No slang. “...I mean, we’re doing good, right? We’re friends?”

Something complicated passes over Sizhui’s expression. It’s too fleeting for him to catch more than a glimpse of it, especially as it’s overridden by his usual calm smile before Jingyi can shove another rice ball into his mouth, but he could swear the other winced.

Well, ouch. It must show on his face, because Sizhui suddenly looks alarmed and adds : “Yes, yes, we are!” Another smile. This time, Jingyi can definitely see the strain. “We’re friends. You don’t have to doubt that.”

“Oh. Great!” Jingyi resists the urge to reach out and gently punch his shoulder. Who knows how it’d be perceived. “We’re gonna spend a lot of time together, if I’ve got to keep copying rules, so...I wanted to make sure.”

【OOC behavior detected : contradiction of backstory despite hints : -20 points. Current balance : 65 points. 】

Shut up! I want him to like me!

“We’re friends,” Sizhui repeats one last time, like he’s trying to convince himself. Then he reaches for Jingyi’s shoulder and gives his robes a tug. “We should get back in there. Two more hours before curfew, you can still get a few lines in. I won’t distract you.”

“Ugh.”

Jingyi makes a face. Sizhui laughs, and the tension from earlier dissolves. “Come on. The more you get done, the faster it’ll be over.”

-

It turns out they’re both severely underestimating the number of rules Jingyi can break without realizing, and therefore the amount of time they’ll be spending here.

Despite these setbacks, over the course of the next handful of weeks, Jingyi adapts to his new life the best he can. He finds out, with much relief, that even though he can’t access the original’s knowledge and memories, training since childhood pays off even after a body swap. He doesn’t have to think too hard about sparring, just keep a firm grip on his sword, and his muscles can apparently do the rest with minimal effort on his part.

It only works with the actual fighting, though. After going to bed feeling sore all over for a week straight, Jingyi gives up and gives the cold springs a shot. It freezes his limbs off, but the ache gets better after that. It even gets him about a dozen points, which he adds to the rest, gained through menial tasks across the Cloud Recesses and some well-timed mischief.

He also likes to think he gets some progress done with step one of his grand plan to survive this novel. There’s no undoing years of being a pain in everyone’s ass in a matter of weeks, but Jingyi still gives it his best shot - peppered with tasteful cursing at the System when it deducts points for actually following the rules or, you know, not being a dick to everyone he talks to. As a result, he goes from mostly being avoided by the other disciples to tolerated, even if no one but Sizhui goes out of their way to talk to him or invite him to join in on...whatever fun they have.

Jingyi doubts he’s missing out on much, at least where the Lans are concerned. But rumor has it some of the guest disciples snuck out into Caiyi to try some of the local wine, and he’s jealous of that, which is kind of irrational. He doesn’t even like the taste of wine that much, and besides, that may be too much of an infraction for a raised Lan, however prone to rule-breaking said Lan is supposed to be.

( He really can’t afford to slip up again. When he dared chop a solid forty centimeters off his hair after struggling to run a comb through it for the fifth time that week, the System’s alarm blared so loud he almost had an out of body experience. He’d felt the hundred points shaved off his score, though, even if he’d managed to negotiate half of them back. That was the spiritual equivalent of having a car zoom past right as you were about to cross the street, and Jingyi’s in no hurry to do it again...but with that said, it feels great not to have to deal with a bird’s nest every time he wakes up. )

-

Of course, he can’t just get comfortable with his new daily routine. Something has to happen. This time, said something takes the shape of a summon from Teacher Lan. Jingyi drags his feet over from the Library Pavilion and away from his sixth copy of Gusu Lan rules. His wrist is still complaining every time he bends it a little too far. Fuck corpse powder, it’s carpal tunnel that’s going to do him in.

Speaking of copies, maybe he shouldn’t slump this much. He’s fairly sure there’s a rule for that somewhere in the two thousand and nineties.

Given the circumstances, Jingyi fully expects another lecture from Lan Qiren the moment he sets foot in the communal hall, but quickly readjusts his expectations when he spots the small crowd of disciples gathered around their teacher. Most of them are familiar faces by now, except for the girls, who for some reason live in a completely different part of the Cloud Recesses. Still, he recognizes Lan Fan, the shimei who looks like she could bite your head off but actually gave him some pretty helpful tips on sword stances the other day, Tao Ming, the boy who’d seemed vaguely suspicious of him that first day, and of course, Sizhui in the forefront.

Lan Qiren narrows his eyes at him as he hastily joins the rest of the group. “Late again, Lan Jingyi.”

“Sorry, Teacher. This disciple was busy copying rules when he heard.”

A few of his companions snort, the noise quickly disguised as a sudden and collective bout of coughing. Jingyi can’t blame them ; if he’d heard the same words everyday for weeks on end, he’d be laughing too. Lan Qiren gives a long-suffering sigh, but whatever he’s about to tell them must take precedence, because Jingyi gets away with what might otherwise have been considered cheek.

“Madam Mo of Mo Village has sent us a request for assistance.” Given their teacher’s expression, he might as well said that she’d beaten down their door in the middle of the night and let a donkey loose in the courtyard. “From the servants’ description, it shouldn’t be anything more than a few walking corpses. Nothing a group of juniors cannot handle.”

Yeah, right. Despite knowing he’s supposed to let canon run its course, Jingyi still feels a twinge of apprehension. Why, you ask? He can answer that in two points.

Things Jingyi knows : mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Things Jingyi doesn’t know : how to kill zombies with swords.

In theory, he did spend the last few weeks training, and he didn’t slack off either, thank you very much. Doesn’t mean he’s ever gone up against a corpse before. He’s a coward, okay? Horror movie night was hell, back in his own world. He’s in no hurry to experience it in real (?) life.

“Lan Sizhui will lead the group,” Lan Qiren continues. “I expect all of you to keep your behaviors appropriate and not bring shame onto our sect.” To no one’s surprise, Jingyi thinks, and throws the interested party a small smile. To his surprise, Sizhui blushes and looks down at his boots, looking both embarrassed and pleased. It’s an unfairly cute look on him, but again, most of his looks are.  

Right on cue, the System wheezes to life like it just crawled out of a computer from the nineties.【Beginning stage checkpoint mission assigned. Destination : Mo Village. Mission : ensure the protagonist, Wei Wuxian, makes it to Mount Dafan to meet love interest Lan Wangji. Please click to accept.】

Jingyi mentally slams the Accept button.

Ding!  【Mission successfully accepted. Please read the file carefully for mission details and make appropriate preparations. We wish you success. 】

OOC function, here he comes!

[peacockbluey]

Thoughts on Flowers, Series 2, Episode 3

Lots of things happening. Lots of things full of feels and terror and what can only be summarized as !!!!!!!!!! Do I have thoughts about it? Of course I do! Here we go.

Right from the very beginning, the tone set is an ominous one. The opening for this episode is something straight out of Amy's morbid, tragic romantic inclinations, with Amy flipping between two realities, walking out into the water. It's imagery that calls to mind Virginia Woolf's death by drowning, which is exactly the sort of allusion Amy would dig--but it also suggests how quickly she's becoming immersed in full-blown mania.

Donald's dream is at once pure Donald (who else would have a wet dream nightmare?), and yet also really interesting character insight that illuminates him a little more. It says a lot about how Donald sees himself, to imagine himself as a clown, wanking, hideously obvious and grotesque in his desire, being jeered at and laughed at by everyone he knows--including, significantly, Matilda. It's his worst nightmare: that everybody thinks he's a joke, that his desire is ridiculous, that he's making a fool of himself by even feeling it. But beyond all of that, the part that really strikes me is that the dream opens with him searching for Amy, trying to rescue her from... something. It really shows you how deeply that's ingrained in Donald, the desire to protect and defend Amy. This is his job, his duty, he has to look out for Amy; he always has... even if he can't stop being a dick to her, or being rabidly envious of her.

I love that Amy's nickname for Hylda is Monkey, but everything else about the berries scene is hard to watch, because Amy's mania is really, really escalating. It's shown throughout the episode, from the increasingly nonsensical, disorganized structure of the music (which her orchestra can't even play because they have no clue what she wants) to the lack of sleep to the pressured speech and temper tantrums because she's constantly accelerating and getting mad at the world for not being at the speed of sound with her. Her eye, naturally, is fucked up now with... pinkeye or something similarly awful, to make her more like Bertha than ever. Her ability to distinguish between herself and Bertha is diminishing.

Deborah knows. Just from the sound of the voicemail Any leaves her, you can see from her face that she knows something is seriously wrong. (Olivia Colman, seriously. She is so, so great.) She is thoroughly frustrated throughout the episode in trying to get through to Amy or get someone to check on her (THANKS MAURICE), but the worry is there.

A parallel between Series 1 and Series 2: proxy squabbling between Maurice and Deborah over inappropriately sized food. In series 1, it was Deborah snarking about Maurice's weirdly giant hospital coffee ("Enjoy your reservoir of coffee!"); in series 2, their roles are reversed and it's Maurice sniping about the size of Shun's breakfast pastry when he really is spoiling for a fight about all the other issues between him and Deborah.

Seriously, though, I was not prepared for them to have a ridiculous custody dispute over Shun! It clearly irritates Maurice that Shun sought comfort and understanding from Deborah instead of him, but it shouldn't; Deborah and Shun had reached a nice understanding at the end of series 2, and this is consistent with that. Shun needs somebody to be a mother to him and Deborah desperately misses having somebody to nurture, while she's struggling to connect with her children as adults; it makes sense that they'd connect that way. It's also notable that Shun is well over his hero worship of Maurice, not above sassing and calling him on his bullshit. While it's good for Shun to see Maurice realistically... his overall trajectory in terms of acting out is worrying.

It's also kind of fascinating to see different sides of everybody in that fight. It's definitely fascinating to be exploring some of Maurice's flaws, now that he's more himself. I love him, but his argument style here! Self-pitying, bitter, passive-aggressive, petty... these are parts of him, just as much as all the good things. It's also a sign of how much he's recovered that he has the ego to be wounded over being called "boring." When he was deep in his depression, he probably would have just absorbed that with a shrug. Now, he has the pettiness to spend the rest of the episode trying to spite Deborah by proving how wrong she is. He is not boring! He's a cool dude! A cool dude who wears sunglasses! And tiny blue pants. It's good for our ogling pleasure, but it's also super cringey. Being truthful, I was definitely annoyed by him being so self-absorbed by the ego wounding that he seems mostly oblivious to how bad Amy is getting.

Another parallel between Series 1 and Series 2: Donald being the voice of reason and the only one who can/will call Maurice on his shit. His blunt honesty can be unlikable and occasionally cruel, but sometimes it's exactly what's needed. In Series 1, he was able to deliver the (metaphorical) slap Maurice needed to realize the impact his behavior was having on everybody else. Here, he rightfully calls Maurice out for behaving like a huuuuuuuuge asshole in his phone conversation with Deborah, pointing out that if Maurice really loves her and wants her back, treating her that way definitely doesn't show it. Donald's ideas about how to treat the person you love are surprisingly good and emotionally healthy. (Too bad he doesn't know how to actually express any of his feelings as anything other than anger and annoyance!) He's also almost painfully transparent here when he talks about wanting a person who will love him most in the whole world. Oh, Donald. He's so obnoxious, but he's so, so desperate to come first for once, to be somebody's first choice. To feel special, because he secretly thinks he's the only one who isn't. Matilda... could actually be that person, as she seems able to seem to look past most of the tactlessness and awkwardness to the person inside. But only if Donald doesn't fuck it up.

On one level, it makes sense for Amy to draw inspiration from the Baumgartner book and have the whole orchestra in 18th century dress, but it also just highlights the degree to which her fantasies are bleeding into reality and she's increasingly failing to distinguish between the two.

DEBORAH. Her phone conversation with Donald broke my heart! She is so miserable and lonely, and she misses her family so much. You can just see her longing for connection, relishing the little bits of it, warming up to open up and talk longer... but then Donald's got a date, he has to go, and it's just crushingly sad. On the one hand, it's good that her kids are more independent, and she knows that, but... she misses them. She misses being important to them. She doesn't quite know how to relate to them now and is feeling very left behind.

AMY'S FIGHT WITH HYLDA, oh my god. It hurts, it's so painful, because Hylda can clearly see something going very wrong; she has the life experience to recognize these things when she sees them. And she loves Amy and wants her to be okay, but Amy is not having it, and she says some terribly cruel things here, because she can be. (As Cully observed, she clearly inherited her argument style from Maurice.) But Hylda's single shout ("I NEED TO BREATHE!") hits me harder than anything else, because Hylda is ordinarily defined by her calmness. The thing about Hylda is that that calm, her stillness, is so powerful because it is *intentional*. It is a choice. It's not naturally occurring; she has worked damned hard to get here, and it is a practice. So seeing that slip, a flash of the intensity beneath, of HOW hard she works to contain it... it's electrifying. Excruciating. Her outburst here is a reminder that, more than anything, Hylda does the work. Addiction doesn't ever, ever go away; her recovery and present contentment and peace are built on the fact that she is always, always working. Which leads to my next point.

Deborah's book signing is horrible and uncomfortable in many different ways, but obviously the most important one is the woman who confronts her about how Deborah doesn't get to tell her how to feel about depression or her late husband's experience with it, how there is no magic cure or correct method to solve the problem. It doesn't ever go away, mental illness; it can only be managed. Hylda is a success story, but her success is possible because she's made a religion of that discipline. (Not even a little surprising, really, that she was drawn to actual religion, as an extension of the discipline and ruthless self-examination.) It's a brutal, unromantic truth, and you see the way it hits Deborah like a ton of bricks.

BARRY SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD YOU GIVE AMY A BABY. This is SO STRESSFUL, god.

Spare thought: remember that in the last series, Amy could barely ride a regular bike. She had training wheels! And now she's zipping around on a motorbike. It's a clear symbol of her progress... but also of the fact that she needs to go faster faster faster and is rapidly getting to a place where that's dangerous. ESPECIALLY WITH A BABY OH MY GOD.

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season six, episode twenty: kristen on crutches is my entire aesthetic

We’re back on the couch where Brittany has left Jax, and considering we know they’re still together in the off-season, this is all arbitrary bullshit. We’re supposed to pretend like Jax is really upset that Brittany left, which is hilarious. He keeps saying he sucks at relationships but he just plain old sucks, in my humble opinion. He heads down to Tom and Katie’s to try to get some sympathy. He calls himself a “decent human being”, and Katie pulls a face.

Y’all know that’s really rich, like Scrooge McDuck rich.

Jax tells the Maloney-Schwartzes that he broke up with Brittany, and they’re both slackjawed and shocked. Jax tried to break up with someone without being a dick or a douche, which is literally impossible. He had sex with her and and then broke up with her. Even if she did initiate it, Jax, if that was on your list of things to do today, you shouldn’t have had sex with her. He’s like, “hey, sometimes you just need to get off,” and the fact that this man calls himself a decent human being makes me want to crumble inside. We have no human standard for decency when Jax Taylor, who basically lead MK Ultra, thinks he’s a decent person.

Katie is disgusted by him, and welcome to the club.

Schwartz thinks Jax is going to change his mind after a few days, and he’s correct. Jax claims that no, he’s felt like this for a while and there’s no way he’s changing his mind. He’s got to work on himself before he can even consider being in a relationship with someone else.

As someone who literally ended a relationship on this very concept, it’s admirable. Except in Jax’s case, in which it’s entirely an excuse and wholeheartedly performative. We’ve seen Jax blame his behavior on other people for years - hell, we saw it not even a few minutes ago - and it’ll be a cold day in hell when Jax admits fault for his actions. My last relationship deteriorated simply because we were two people on very different wavelengths, and I felt I couldn’t move forward with us until I worked on myself. And guess what?

I’m doing the work. I’m being creative. I’m producing content. I’m learning who I want to be going forward in my life, what kind of person I want to be for the person I settle down with. I don’t see anything wrong with that. What Jax is doing, is basically saying he wants to end things with Brittany for her own benefit because she deserves better than who he is now. As if he’s doing all of this changing for her, otherwise it wouldn’t be happening, because she just makes him feel bad about the shit he pulls. He’s breaking up with her for her own benefit, not his personal growth.

He ain’t gonna do shit.

We’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant! Lisa Vanderpump continues to pretend like she does anytihng more than stand and point at things with a critical eye by talking to the chef about that evening’s specials.

It’s either “Chilean Sea Bass”, which is the standard special at Sexy Unique Restaurant, or “cheese and sea bass”, to which I wonder: who is running this restaurant and how can I have them taken out?

Lala arrives in the least professional outfit ever, but Lisa wants to give her something! It’s a gift, a part of stiletto knee-high lace-up boots, and if you have that many hyphens in a single item of clothing you should just take it off ASAP. Lala loves them, and they’re a good luck gift from Lisa. Lisa is far too generous. Lala gets emotional at putting herself out there and presenting herself to the universe. Rightfully so, this is absolutely terrifying.

What can go wrong in those boots, Vanderpump asks. A lot, Lisa.

A lot.

We’re at Tom and Ariana’s with Jeremy and Billie Lee. Sandoval is mixing cocktails, and Billie Lee just moved into her new apartment. They all get the unfortunate displeasure of being Sandoval’s guinea pigs for cocktails for TomTom, and Ariana wants to make sure that yes, he has cocktails for this restaurant, but also cocktails for their own book, too. Ariana will never let Tom forget this. Tom and Ariana are shockingly going to look at their first apartment that isn’t the trash apartment they’ve been living in for what seems like a thousand years. They’re obsessed with houses and looking at hous-

Oh, we heard from Schwartz. Jax broke up with Brittany, so Sandoval and Schwartz are legally required to run to Jax’s side within 12 hours or they will be dealt a heavy penalty1. Ariana immediately is like “Buuuuull shit, dude, you’re not running to hold Jax’s hand while he pukes this time.” Ariana and Tom were having a perfectly fine night alone at home, and here he is, about to abandon her because Jax fucks up. Ariana has been abandoned by Tom for Jax several times before, and she’s fed up. Tom really doesn’t understand this. He says he’s not babysitting, but Ariana is entirely justified in being annoyed with Tom. No one wants to be second best in their relationship.

Kristen’s at her apartment hanging out with Carter, the human embodiment of that custom-made dildo Abbi ruined on Broad City, and resting her fractured foot. Brittany has done lost her mind clearly because after breaking up with Jax, she’s heading directly to Kristen’s place. No one can believe Jax is fully committed to this breakup, he’s just caught in his feels. Carter’s somewhat over the entire drama with James, Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax. Kristen is very upset with the fact that Carter doesn’t believe her. She promises not to put herself in situatons that can lead to shit like that again.

Do Carter and Kristen have the most functional relationship on this show?

At Jax’s hotel room, he’s drinking vodka straight by himself with Sandoval and Schwartz come by with “reinforcements” in the form of beer. Schwartz admits that Jax and Brittany probably should call it quits, it’s been over for a while. They all tell him he made the wrong move by having sex with Brittany before breaking up with her, and Jax admits he didn’t even consider Brittany in his decision to take his Fake Florida Job.

At least he has the decency to know where he doesn’t belong and he’s not going to go to Lala’s showcase, because Jax is definitely not welcome there. Both Sandoval and Schwartz are right in telling Jax he shouldn’t be around Brittany at all right now, and Jax DEFINITELY should not go back to their apartment. How long until Jax goes over to their apartment, though?

Brittany arrives at Kristen’s apartment2 with Zach, one of Brittany’s friends from home. She’s been staying in a hotel while she deals with the whole Jax situation and really doesn’t want to be around anyone who works at Sexy Unique Restaurant.

Oh, that’s why she’s hanging out with Kristen.

Brittany’s at her breaking point and doesn’t want to put herself through any of Jax’s shit anymore. Everyone, including me, is relieved. Unfortunately, we all know this is short-lived as hell, but it’s nice to hear Brittany at least say she’s tired of this shit. She’s been strong, not engaging, and she’s horrified by Jax’s behavior. I mean, I’ve been watching this show for nearing on six years, and Brittany’s resilience could end wars, I swear. I’ve been done with Jax for as long as I’ve been out of college.

Kristen brings up Daddy Bae Adam and how he’s a Daddy Bae who is interested in Brittany. And guess what? Brittany slid it to Daddy Bae’s DaddyDMs and gave him her number. Get it, Brittany. I’ve made my feelings on Daddy Bae clear.

He’s a Daddy Bae.

Tom and Ariana are looking at houses? I completely forgot about all of this. There’s a two bedroom, two bathroom house, and they’re totally a couple that should be buying a house together considering they’re on very different pages regarding their future. Namely, children. I mean, Tom wants to have three or four, Ariana wants to have none.

That’s a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE, and are y’all really willing to put up the expense of this when there’s a likelihood it’s not permanent? Just saying3.

They’re both excited to be taking steps forward, and Ariana just wants to make sure that she’s made a priority in their relationship. She doesn’t want to control him or who he hangs out with, but it’s also not acceptable for him to be dropping everything to run to Jax’s side every time Jax fucks up. If he continues to do that, he’s literally going to have no free time.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the musical cue tells us not to get in their way because they have a game plan. Peter’s getting the dining room set up and Brittany is actually wearing a jacket on her shoulders instead of dramatically draping it on her arms. Stassi is going through a drawer and opens a mysterious package, and Lisa Vanderpump sneaks up beside her and holds a dog up that I swear is stuffed. That dog does not move like it’s alive. Stassi came by to steal candles for Lala’s party, and I cackled at the entire notion. She has balls, I’m not mad at it.

Lisa’s come from Tom Tom and doesn’t think it’s ready for anyone to see it, but Tom and Tom really want people to come over, so she’s just giving in because sometimes it’s easier to do that than to fight about it. Stassi thinks she’s learned that, and Lisa flat out says no, she hasn’t. Lisa asks about Patrick, and Stassi admits to being frustrated by him. She doesn’t know if just loving someone is enough…. She doesn’t even know if she’s happy with him anymore. Lisa tells her it’s not that complicated. I mean, Lisa’s been married since 1874 to a man who waits on her hand and foot. I don’t know if she’s going to be the right person to be giving advice about this. It’s best if she sticks to what she knows best… selling goat cheese balls. Stassi’s there for one reason, and one reason alone. She’s not coming to Sexy Unique Restaurant and NOT getting her goat cheese balls.

Lisa and Stassi the purple room and head into the main area where Brittany is still in her denim jacket and folding napkins. They both approach her like she’s a fragile child who’s has a debhilitating illness4 and talk to her in really high, quiet voices. Brittany’s not going to let Jax’s shit slow her down or stop her from going to work. Stassi tells Brittany not to feel embarrassed, because Jax ain’t shit. Peter literally brings the goat cheese balls to Stassi at the table, and Peter had fulfilled his contractual obligations of the season.

Toms Sandoval and Schwartz are going to a shop to look at uniform options for TomTom. Their options are very bland and a ton of denim shirts that all look the same. They talk about Jax fucking up and then poorly handling it in the aftermath. They don’t buy into the entire idea of their breakup and won’t until it’s at least two months out. Neither of them has any sympathy for Brittany in the slightest because, well, Jax really should just have a shirt that says “Google Me” because that’ll be the perfect deterrent. His reputation is known and clear, and if you really had any questions...

He’s a 75 year old man who goes by the name Jax. What more do you need? Of course he’s going to give you HPV and then blame you for it.

Also, this is super rich coming from Tom Schwartz, who has cheated on his wife... how many times? I rest my case.

Stassi is setting up the area for Lala’s showcase, and she actually did a gorgeous job. She’s shocked to be planning Lala’s performance considering it’s been a road to get there. Lala comes in with James5 and is clearly anxious about what’s to come in their performance. James isn’t going to take all the credit for Lala, but he’s going to take part of the credit for Lala. Her showcase is going to be 13 minutes, which is doesn’t sound like a long time, but can feel like for-fucking-ever. Even one song on stage can feel like fifteen years.

Lisa Vanderpump calls mainly to ask Lala if her 45-year-old boyfriend is coming to her showcase, and Lala is mum on the entire topic. I mean, it is weird for your significant other not to be there, but it’s also weird for one’s boss to call and ask about things like this. It all evens out.

It’s time for Lala’s gig! The gang’s all here - Ariana, Tom, Tom, Scheana, Daddy Bae Adam, Raquel even came out of her box at the toy store to show support. Brittany heads directly to Daddy Bae Adam and she has a Freakum dress on. Like, Brittany is DTF. Lala arrves with her squad, which is basically made up of black guys and the white guys who use them as a reason they can say the n-word. Lala’s wearing those hideous pink velvet lace-up boots Lisa gave her and Katie does a decent job of pretending they’re cute.

They’re hideous. Not even Rihanna could wear those.

I also have an admission: I like Lala’s music. Shoot me. It’s not the worst pop music I’ve heard, and she looks good doing it. I really admire the fact that she somehow doesn’t have a camel toe in that leotard, either.6 I would be insecure about that shit all night on stage. James Kennedy comes out and lipsyncs and Lala, who actually sings against her backing track at least, sounds decent. I love that we get a call back to Scheana’s “showcase” in her tutu and her off-tune auto-tune, because Lala literally looks like she’s an opera singer compared to that.

Lala sits with the girls and thanks them for giving her a second chance and for finally finding her place and her grounding in this group of girls. You the HBIC, Lala. You always have been. Tom&Tom are sitting drunkenly talking about Jax, of course. Jax is falling apart and not in the good “It’s Quiet Uptown” kind of way. They FaceTime with Jax and tell him that Lala crushed it. Jax doesn’t know what’s going on with Brittany or where she’s spending the night, and it’s none of Jax’s business. Jax asks how she is, but that’s also none of Jax’s business anymore. Jax feels worse since he broke up with Brittany, and I’m shocked you can feel worse when your body decayed to the point of disrepair. They’re all having Too Much Fun without Jax at Lala’s showcase, and it’s great.

Lala takes James aside and thanks him for giving her a voice (literally) for making her feel special. She finally has the confidence to start singing, and now she has it. I think their relationship is still very transactional, but it works for them. I’m not mad about it.

Jax is going to see the therapist he saw a few years ago, and he’s hungover. He got drunk by himself the night before and he’s hungover talking about his breakup. Kelsey’s away, so we’re seeing Lindsay this week. Jax takes credit for his relationship’s failure, and admits to having a lack of respect for women or really being willing to work at it. He’s crying, apparently? Brittany’s the first girlfriend he’s had he truly, truly loved. Oh, sorry, Stassi. That must hurt. He’s not sure if he did the right thing by doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, Jax.

Britttany and Ariana are going over to Brittany’s apartment so she can change. Ariana’s essentially there to protect Brittany from Jax in case he was there. Scheana arrives, and apparently Jax has been blowing up Brittany’s phone with “I love you” and “my life is hard” texts.

Thanks for the boob job, asshole.

Next Week: It’s the season finale! TomTom is a real bar, shockingly. Lisa Vanderpump wants to fire Jax, finally. Patrick talks about Lisa Vanderpump’s ass to her face. Jax wants to keep an apartment in the same building down the hall, and Brittany’s not having it. Oh, Lisa’s not going to fire Jax, she’s just going to hope and pray he resigns. Classic Lisa!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda: * I am obsessed with Tom and Ariana’s cat. * All the women on this show hate Jax so much. * Is Peter growing out his hair again?!?!?! * Oh god, James brought his DAD to Lala’s gig? * I love when Scheana pretends her music career was real. I LOVE IT. * Def gonna be singing “lemme know if I can fuck with you boy,” all week. * This episode was so great becuase there was so little Jax, right?

Sure, it sounds obnoxious, but isn’t that also something these guys would totally do? ↩︎

Kristen’s entire apartment is dark and grey and it really scares me. ↩︎

Ariana is horrified by all of the entire concept of having children, like the actual growth and gestation period and ejection part, much like I am. But I just use that as an excuse. ↩︎

I mean, Jax is pretty damn close. ↩︎

Lala in this scene with no makeup, extensions, none of the gig - looks the most gorgeous she’s been all season. She really is a beautiful girl. ↩︎

I secretly live for how much James is in love with Lala. He would drop Raquel in a second if Lala gave him a chance. ↩︎