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thexxphiles · 6 years

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So I’ve been off tumblr for a long ass time and by chance I was catching up on as much as I could stomach within throwing up. Mostly reading my pal @justholdinghandsok blog. And what a shit show it is around here. Christ fuck almighty. I originally joined tumblr in 2015 on my first blog gillovnyphile. While there have ALWAYS been lunatics here (like the shit bags that STALKED ME IN REAL LIFE AND CALLED MY CLINIC AND MY DADS CLINIC) and fandom factions (the Gillian fans - some who were very nice- and then the subset of complete whack jobs who believe she is a divine goddess not of this earth who has no faults, makes no mistakes, never dates anti feminist men who failed to pay the LEAD ACTRESS on his show the same as her male costar. Oh, wait, wasn’t Gillian incensed when it happened to her in 2015? Well, her memory is spotty, after all. The only thing she can seem to remember is the size of her platonic male friend costars dick.) And she handled press for season 11 just so…professionally. I don’t see anything wrong about talking about your pubescent son’s erection on national TV. I thought it made perfect sense to announce she was done with the show before the season even STARTED because that was sure to drive up ratings. But that’s not all! Then there’s this group of incredibly fucking spooky Duchovny cult that seems to be compromised of old men, lonely women and 12 year olds who are orgasming over their beloved “private concert” with the greatest musician of our time, David “mid life crisis” Duchovny. Who in the actual fuck would pay more than 15 cents to listen to that fool caterwauling through his “brilliant” lyrics. I mean, fuck Prince or Bowie or Beyoncé or Adele. Those guys are/were hacks compared to the musical stylings of a 58 year old guy with a thirsty as fuck barely legal girlfriend. And, look, I always always liked D more than G because G is just so goddamned extra. I met them both at Gillovnycon 2016 with my boo @xfiles9316 and another person…well we won’t go there. Just remember don’t give money to anyone on tumblr even your “friends”. G was pretty cold and unfriendly and sort of scared me. Meanwhile D was totally nice and we had a good chat. We shook hands. After the high of that con (and I met some TRULY Special fans there) we were headed for a fall and it hit in October 2016. I’ll never forget that day because I had my first panic attack. I knew it was true from day one (though I understood people not wanting to believe it.) the only good thing was that I had processed all that grief and had become apathetic by the time the porn pictures showed up the following summer. It was painful to look at. But then this whole sub fandom of (what are they called? Gorgos or something? They should call themselves Reptilian (get it…one’s a reptile and one’s Gillian. I dunno, I think it’s catchy.) who made it their life’s work to shit on and fight with Gillovny fans and post…unflattering, and I’m being kind, pictures of their new obsession. Is PM problematic? Of course he fucking is. But so is she so maybe it is true love (until PM writes the part for her she’s been angling for since before she met him. Career ALWAYS comes first for her. She’s said it. At least she’s practical I guess. At this point you need a goddamned scorecard to figure out who is fighting with who. It’s such an incredible waste of time. Don’t you guys work? I’m at clinic 13 hours a day and work about 65 hours a week. I just remember all the fun we used to have when there were great blogs and awesome pictures and GIF sets and analyzing body language and waiting for the next inappropriate tweet. Was it all a lie? Was it just a game Gillian was playing as she stated once? I’m still not sure. But what I will say is that I believed then and I believe now that those two were involved from 2012-2016 in some way. As someone who could have gotten a PhD in the time, energy, intellectual analysis and research I did from 2015-2016 I will always believe it was real in some way we may never understand. Do I think they’ll get back together? I’m not sure. I’m more hopeful at at least seeing them at SOME con in the future and at the end of the day what I always truly wanted for them is to have a beautiful special friendship- soulmates of some kind - that lasts their whole lives. To the old guard (god knows how you guys do it) I just want to say hi and that I miss you guys and NEVER TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE @campaignofmisinformation, @bird3000, @whoisbillymilesand, of course, @justholdinghandsok. And any of you cunts calling her a liar can eat Peter Morgan’s disgusting hairy ass. Over the years I’ve had numerous numerous conversations with her and she’s a solid, kind, calm, smart truthful woman who doesn’t deserve your vile disgusting bullshit. And because this place is such a cesspool of unstable… people I fully expect to get attacked and get death threats and all the usual sociopathic unhinged behavior you’re famous for. And I give not one shit because I’m smart enough now to know that nothing good ever comes from this place and I check in roughly once a year anyway. Have at it fuckers.

#x files #fandom bullshit #gillian anderson #david duchovny #gillovny history #gillovny #unhinged lunatics

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isa-ly · 3 years

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PROJECT NO CONTROL

TW: therapy, mental illness, anxiety, depression, control issues, One Direction

As you have probably noticed by now, I take trigger warnings quite seriously, as I believe that it’s not only important to give people the chance to prepare for or avoid certain content, but also think that it is a good way of showing that one takes the mental health and wellbeing of others seriously.

Which is why I included One Direction up there, because if anyone who has been part of this fandom will probably remember, Project No Control was one of the most insane and traumatic incidents to ever happen on this platform (Tumblr, that is). Although, I guess the trigger warning is kind of useless in this case, since it only comes after the headline of today’s entry. But hey, I tried.

Anyway, enough about One Direction (is what One Direction also said, five years ago ... still going strong on that “hiatus”, huh guys?), let’s move on to what I want to talk about today. The last couple of posts were definitely not all easy to write, as I shared some things that only the closest of my friends knew about me so far. In a way, simply putting them on this blog doesn’t feel as big of a commitment (remember the one about dumping your problems on social media? Yeah, that’s kind of similar to this) but it also doesn’t leave me completely cold. After all, I’m not just chucking out one sentence about how I’ve been crying into my pillow all day, but instead actually taking the time to elaborate on my feelings, and by doing that, trying to make more sense to myself and actually work through my issues.

Another part of this whole blog idea, was to not exactly know who was going to read it. While all the things I share on here are written and edited by me, the whole compromise lies in letting others read them too. And sure, those are mainly the people who follow me on Instagram (hi, there), since I’m not really influencer enough to have random folks read it, but even that causes me to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

Because I can’t monitor who sees it, I can’t access what people think of it and I’m simply not in control of what happens once I post something.

Ah, yes.

Control.

The little word that not only dominated Tumblr back when those five British guys were still world-wide sensations, but that also seems to dominate my entire life. Only that I didn’t really know that until a few months ago.

I briefly mentioned it in my last post when I talked about slithering into my quarter-life crisis, which resulted in my anxiety and panic attacks, as well as a mean depression and my low-key burn-out. Anyway, back to the topic of control. I told you the story of how, back in autumn of 2018, I had suddenly and for the first time in my life, found myself in a situation where I was completely out of control in almost every aspect. I had realized that what I was doing and studying, was slowly turning out to be a huge disappointment and even worse than that: I had no idea what to do about it.

Sure, I could have dropped out right there and then. But that wouldn’t really have made things easier, as I still had absolutely no clue what I would have done next. I had no back-up plan, no safety net. Well, I mean of course I had a metaphorical one – that being all my friends who I’m infinitely thankful for – but I still wouldn’t have known what to do with my life in general, had I simply quit university.

This, in addition to the fact that my parents weren’t quite as supportive of the idea of dropping out as some of my friends might have been, just added to the feeling of everything slipping from my hands and me no longer being able to call the shots in my own everyday life. I had been so sure of so many things and from what seemed like one second to the other, that certainty that had always given me such a grand feeling of control, was ripped away from me before I could even bid it a proper goodbye.

So, there I was. Stuck in a situation that didn’t seem to have a solution or emergency exit. And, well, you just need to read the last entry to see that it didn’t go too well after that.

I remember one fateful day where I had once again been sitting in the library, trying my absolute hardest to write my thesis (and, obviously, failing), until I just gave up again and started watching Netflix on the university computer. As I was sitting there, not really paying attention to whatever show I had clicked on anyway, I felt so insanely frustrated because I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t know why I couldn’t write or read my books or just do anything that involved my goddamn thesis.

And this not-knowing, this feeling of staring at what seemed to be so obvious yet invisible to me, drove me up the fucking walls. So, in a desperate attempt of once again solving the riddle that was my own mind, I sat down and did what I’m actually doing right now as well: I started writing. I figured that whatever it was that was keeping me from working on my academic responsibilities (and also causing all my panic attacks and insomnia), must have had its origin at some point in the past.

And since I didn’t know what point that could have been, I decided to start at the beginning. And I mean the literal beginning. I opened a new Word document that – and I am fully serious – started with the words: “Let’s try and make a timeline that starts with me being born”. I know, dramatic as always. But I was ready to commit. I had never considered my life to be something that contained many traumas (oh, innocent past-me), but I was more than ready to dig deep to find some, so I could finally make some sense of why I seemed to be stuck, both emotionally and academically.

I still have that document and I actually briefly skimmed over it just now. And, oh dear. Reading all of that again was not easy. And writing it wasn’t either. I remember sitting at that computer and, despite having thought that there wouldn’t be anything worth mentioning from my past, just typing and typing and typing. When there was nothing else left that came to my mind, I stopped and started reading through it. It was all there, laid out right in front of me, and it was like going on a very nostalgic, sad and painful walk through all the events of my childhood and teenage years that had just been really, really shitty.

So, there I was, reading, thinking, comprehending. And all of a sudden, like the clouds clearing, like the lens sharpening, like the fog lifting, I saw it. I saw the red string. The penny fucking dropped and I literally couldn’t believe it.

“I knew in this moment, that I had lost complete control.” “I had no control.” “Maybe it’s just a way for me to wield control.” “I felt like something was happening that I didn’t have under control.” “It resulted in me trying to get back control.”

All of those sentences were among what I had just written. And you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out what the pattern I had recognized was.

You thought mommy and daddy issues were a cliché? Well, let’s add yet another layer on top of this pile of stereotypes: My incessant, compulsive and almost obsessive need of always being in control of myself and my surroundings.

I remember exactly how I felt when I finally, fucking finally, made the connection in my own head of why I was feeling so hopeless and lost. It felt like getting to scratch that annoying itch you couldn’t reach, like fitting that last puzzle piece into the whole picture. Needless to say, I burst into tears in the middle of the busy library, because while I might be very emotionally repressed, having that massive epiphany did actually make A Feeling happen inside of me, because I had been so desperate to figure out what was wrong for so long.

I’m aware that all of this sounds a bit like a crappy Hollywood movie, as big aha-moments like this don’t often happen in life – or in a library. But this one did. And I’m infinitely glad about that. Because it was in that moment I realized that a) I really, really needed therapy and b) I really, really was not going to finish this stupid thesis just for the sake of it and risk making my already worrisome mental state even more.

In a way, you could say that the urge of making a list and sorting all my traumatic memories from bottom to top, was in of itself a mechanism of yielding control for a short period of time. But okay, I don’t want to completely dissect every tiny action and choice of mine just for the sake of finding out what trauma it might have been influenced by (she says, writing the seventh, ultra-long blog post on dissecting every tiny action and choice of hers just for the sake of finding out what trauma it might have been influenced by).

Alright, let’s recap: On said very fateful day, I realized that the reason why I had been having those panic attacks, why I couldn’t seem to write my thesis and why, in general, I felt so depressed and lost, was because I felt like I was out of control of everything in my current life. And that terrified me. So much so, that it had almost stripped me of my ability to function like a normal person.

Quite the epiphany, huh? Yeah, it felt like that too, back then. And I know that not every realization happens like that. Most of my other soul-searching attempts that came when I started therapy, took a lot longer and required a lot more digging and work until I was able to untangle them. Like, for example, the question that posed itself after having figured out that I seemed to have very severe control issues: What the fuck caused them?

Because yeah, it’s one thing to finally understand what’s happening, but an entirely other thing to know why. Which leads us to part two of this wonderful post. The one where, and we’ve all been waiting for it, the two most important women of my life come back into the picture: My therapist and my mum.

Okay, I need you to know that I just laughed out loud at that last sentence for several minutes and then considered crying a little, too. But, I repressed that urge (healthily, don’t worry) for the sake of finishing this entry. So, let’s continue. (Why do I not have a career in stand-up comedy yet, seriously.)

When I started my personal therapy sessions with Kerstin, one of the first things I told her about, was that trauma-timeline list that I had written. Naturally, as therapists do, she then asked me the exact question I already asked above: “So, where do you think that need for constant control comes from?” And I said: “Well, damn, Kerstin, wouldn’t I like to know!” Okay, I didn’t say that. But in the imaginary sitcom that’s always happening in my own head I did, and then everyone laughed in that super fake ‘Friends’ way. What a blast it was.

Back in the real world, I actually did another load of digging through my past, this time to find the reason behind my, at the time, newly discovered issue with control. Or better, the issue with loosing it. I already talked a little bit about my childhood and teen years not always having been easy, mainly because of the sometimes very difficult relationship with my mum. And, well, it turns out that that “sometimes very difficult relationship” left a lot more scars than I would have ever liked to admit. I always have a hard time talking about this, because it makes me feel like I’m painting my parents as some sort of villains who constantly mistreated me. And that is just not the case. Life’s not black and white like that, and neither is family.

Again, I really had a great time as a child and teen, and my parents loved me, were always there for me and supported me in almost every aspect. But in some others, they let me down. Saying and admitting that breaks my heart. But denying it has broken it even worse in the past. I’m not going to go into much detail here because I don’t feel any need whatsoever to fill the Internet in on my personal family issues.

However, I do feel the need to remind myself why it is okay to talk about where your own current problems and struggles might come from. I’m not pointing fingers and blaming my own mum for everything that ever went wrong in my life, because that would be stupid and simply wrong. But I have grown and realized enough to know that, yes, by raising me the way she did, she did cause me some pretty heavy and painful traumas which I’m still working through today.

One of them being my problem with giving up and losing control.

My mum is such a strong and smart person and I learned so much from her. But she also never let me forget that whatever achievement I accomplished in life, was due to her providing me with support, knowledge and guidance. According to her, whenever I did something wrong, forgot something or made a mistake, it was because I hadn’t listened to her advice or done it the way she would have done it. And whenever I did something right, succeeded and made progress, it was because she had pushed me and told me how. She never let me have any credit of my own. She told me she was proud of me, but she never let me be proud of myself too.

In a way, she raised me thinking that the reason for any and everything I did, was because I either obeyed or disobeyed her. She always had the upper hand and she was always, always in control. Of my failures, of my successes, of my life.

As you can imagine, with puberty added into this already difficult family-mix, shit kinda hit the fan when I got a little older and we basically didn’t speak to each other for an entire year. Whenever we did speak, we’d just end up arguing instead. And that’s where I decided I to simply take matters (and back then, that was pretty much just school) into my own hands. Some other nasty stuff happened in reaction to that, but I actually managed to, from this point on, be independent when it came to studying, organizing and planning everything school-related. To some people, this might sound ridiculous and insane. But in my family, with my mum, this was almost reason enough to literally kick me out of the house.

But I still did it and for the first time ever, I was the one who controlled something. I was the one who decided when to do homework, how much to study and how to keep track of all my school stuff. Again, I realize that some people are probably thinking “Big fucking whoop, it’s just school?!” and yeah, I thought that too. But my mum didn’t. However, I didn’t budge and I kept the upper hand, for the first time in my life.

You can probably see where this is headed. As I got even older and started university, more and more responsibility became my own and my mum had to let go of more and more things she had always controlled for me. Not without a fight, never without a fight, but she did, eventually. I was now the one who decided what I wanted to do (at least most of the time, since I still lived at home and that came with its own set of struggles).

Without getting too carried off here, I’ll just try and make my point: When I realized that what I myself had chosen as a life and career path, was no longer actually something I wanted to do, this sense of control that I had quite literally worked years to get (from my mum and for myself), all of a sudden started to crumble. And subconsciously, without even realizing, this took me back to the mental place of being a hopeless, sixteen year old teenager that felt belittled, powerless and uncredited. Only that now, I had “no one to blame” but my own self.

The way that I had been raised with always having to have such a vice, controlling grip on my own life and academic “career” in order to be in charge of it myself, sat so deep inside of me that having had the minuscule realization of not being fully sure of my future anymore, was enough to throw me so hard that I could barely catch up with how quick I was falling apart.

That was one killer of a sentence, I apologize. But I hope that it got my point across somehow. Maybe this all sounds a bit ridiculous, maybe it doesn’t. I honestly can’t tell, most of the time. But by now, I have come to terms with the fact that how my mum taught or actually failed to teach me the value of giving up control, has greatly influenced me, even if it was just subconsciously. Because had you asked me, I would have told you in a heartbeat that it was no big deal to doubt your academic choices and even less of a big deal to change them or look for something new.

But, deep down, there was another truth that I had grown up with and into, and that one was what started to cause all my inner turmoil, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the insomnia and, eventually, my full-blown burn out.

And all of that hit me on that one fateful day, in the fucking library.

I feel like I’ve been waffling for ages now but it felt kind of cathartic to get this off my chest. I’m planning on talking about this is another post soon, but this was the first time I realized the crucial difference between saying and living things you want to be your truth, and saying and living things that really are your truth. And back then, I didn’t know I hadn’t been doing the latter for a very long time. Hitting that kind of breaking point was a very unwanted, but definitely also very much needed jumpstart to my journey of working through my own issues.

The first being the one I had with control.

I’m gonna shut up for good now and just leave you all with two screenshots because they’re just too funny not to include them. They were both reactions to my, dare I say, iconic sentence of my therapist and my mum being the two most important women in my life and well, just see for yourself ...

... sorry, mum. And also ...

... don’t we all?

#mental health #mental illness #anxiety #depression #control #control issues #therapy

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heydontcallmejulia · 5 years

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This Season

Oh goodness, y’all. This is going to be a bit long, so grab your popcorn.

If you know me, and love me, I ask that you read this. I ask that you try to understand what major shift is happening in my life at the moment.

A bit of background info

Ever since I was very little, I’ve had an extremely creative, and active imagination. This has benefited me, and hurt me in many ways. I can be thankful, because:

1. It has enabled me to become a better artist and musician.

2. I am creative, and being creative freaking rocks.

It has also hurt me in ways like these:

1. I have OCD.

2. I have OCD.

3. OCD freaking sucks, and no one understands what it’s really all about.

Let me explain

Back in the beginning of January, I started to have very intense episodes of doubts within my faith. These episodes consisted of many panic attacks, sooooo much crying, and well to be frank, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense why it had to be so intense. My faith is/was my everything. I figured this was just my anxiety speaking, and after about a week, it wore off.

You see, I’ve always known I have had anxiety. Anyone who knows me, knows I have anxiety. I am open about it and not ashamed. It’s something I have learned to live and cope with. It just doesn’t “get in the way” for me anymore. But you know what does “get in the way”? My newly found, recently diagnosed OCD.

After about a week went by being panic attack free, more episodes started coming on. This time, the new theme of attack was intrusive thoughts. And... not good ones. These intrusive thoughts went something like this.... 24/7.... in my head.... all the time:

“What would happen if you took that pair of scissors over there and just started cutting off your limbs?”

YEAH. WHAT. And, that’s just one of the thoughts. There were so many. They were relentless, and they scared me! How could, I, Jules Scherer, the most gentle person, have the most violent thoughts?! It made NO sense to me! Anyway, these thoughts scared me. I thought they meant that I was going to act upon these thoughts! I eventually learned after much research, and by reading a book called “Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts”, that your thoughts really have no moral quality. They don’t mean... anything! Everyone has unwanted thoughts, and it, by no means, means that they are a bad person. “THANK GOD”, I thought. Thankfully, these thoughts subsided, and I went another week feeling panic free.

You guessed it. The panic, and obsessive thoughts came back! Woo! At this point, I had gone to the doctors... multiple times. I had seen my therapist... multiple times. And, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist.... and I was looking forward to it. I was so desperate to fix this problem, that I was looking forward to a psychiatrist appointment... who am I becoming? This time, the thoughts came back at an even worse rate. Something that targeted, not just everything I loved, but everything I knew to be true. To be sensitive of anyone reading this that also has OCD, ill spare you the details, just so I don’t get your brain working too much on this one thing. I know mine does. I started having an existential crisis. Basically. I started to question everything that I knew to be true. Now, I’m sure we’ve all done this at one point. We’ve all freaked ourselves out about the “what if’s”. But lucky for you, you’ve moved past it, and it doesn’t really bother you 24/7 like my thoughts do. This is called Existential OCD.

The dreams... but what do they mean?

Let’s work our way backwards a little bit. I’m hoping this will help you understand. Last summer, I went to a rather “charismatic” church service, where someone prophesied over me that I should take notice of my dreams, and pay attention to them. Long story short, he wasn’t wrong. God had used my dreams to prepare me, to warn me, and heck- some of my most random dreams have come to be true.

Now, move forward just a little bit. When I turned 19, the word that God gave me for the year was “fearless”. I thought basically that it just meant that by the end of the year, I wouldn’t be scared to ask the McDonalda cashier for extra ketchup. Yeah no. I think God had other ideas. I truly believe, this is apart of His plan. I have been put face to face with ALL my greatest fears in the middle of this season. I almost feel immune to fear at this point.

OK, back to the dreams.

I’ll give you two examples of times God has spoken to me about this season via dreamland.

1.) I was in the middle of an anxious episode, questioning my faith. I felt so upset, I decided to lay my head down for a nap. I had a dream/vision of the Bible being opened to John 14. I immediately woke myself up, and opened my bible to John 14.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going."

This passage, is Jesus speaking to His disciples, when THEY were having doubts in THEIR faith. These super epic, on fire for Jesus disciples... having doubts? When they were standing right beside Jesus in that very moment?

I felt as though, that was His way of telling me, that it’s ok, and very human to have doubts. Every Christian has them. Even the early disciples did.

2.) At the very beginning of this whole shebang, I had God, the man himself, tell me that perfect love will get me through this.

I had a dream that I faced all these crazy fears of mine. I jumped off a cliff, I skydived, I even saw some of my family members losing their lives to things I don’t really want to talk about. Basically, I faced all my fears in one dream. At the end of the dream, my sister grabbed me, hugged me, and we walked away. Then, I saw the Bible verse, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear”. The dream ended.

So now what?

So now, I’m at this point of learning to cope and live with OCD. I’m learning slowly to take it as a gift. I’m learning to say, “okay... so what?” to my thoughts. I’m learning slowly, but I’m learning. Everyday, it gets better. Because everyday, I get to make the conscious decision of wether it is going to be a good day or not. And everyday, I choose to have a good day regardless of my circumstances. I am learning to be mindful of every moment, and thanking God for every second that I get to be alive. Even when it hurts. It’s apart of the human condition.

Things you can take away from this blog post:

1.) I’ll be OK, but have grace. I’m struggling.

2.) Your thoughts do not define you.

3.) Mental health is so important. Do not neglect it.

4.) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder isn’t always what you think it might be. It’s not what you see on TV or in the movies. It’s real, and many people you know suffer from it daily. Normal people have it. Take care of people you love. You never know what storm is raging on the inside.

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dansiddons1-blog · 7 years

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Unedited one thought at a time...

I'm not happy... that night I was sleeping on my friends couch never to return to my bed. I decided then to take my life. What's happening oh the pain and I piss blood another kidney stone. Kim I need a ride to hospital I am having a kidney stone. The medicine calmed me for days without the medicine I would not be writing to you for I would have taken my life. Danny want to go to beaver dam...life as I knew changed for ever. I was raped on the trip to dam in a boat did I mention I was 5 years of age. A child force to become an adult to protect my father. I was told tell your father I will kill him. This story is about my life I will be jumping through a variety of topics. I will spell words incorrectly and not be grammatically correct. Why? Because I want it to be real as possible. Not some book that has been edited and rewritten in an editors words or some ghost writer. I will not even reread what I wrote. I want you to experience the thoughts of a mentally disabled person. I make no apologies for my writing don't care if you like it don't even have a plan outline or intention. Just my thoughts as I they fire away sometimes tormenting me others bring joy. I have never written a book and don't consider this to be a book more of my thoughts at real time on paper... that is enough for tonight my medicine is making me drowsy Time for bed but it is so hot and tomorrow...see how the thoughts never stop a flywheel in my head I want to rip out. Time to prepare myself for bed and shut the flywheel off for a few hour. Tomorrow I pray it doesn't come but as sure as the sun will rise I will to. Oh tomorrow please don't come allow me the pleasure of eternal rest. Let's see what thoughts I write tomorrow twitter trump terror ptsd happiness pain pleasure investing writing starting a business writing a paper see how fast they come and their range how can I use commas worry about spelling. If you are reading you can relate auto correct is off and my thoughts are now flying fast...BAM. Tried to save found a word counter that was word 406. I thought I was going to bed. So much to accomplish how can I retire to bed. Voices won't stop words are blurred from tears. No I won't edit it. Fine don't publish it I will keep it for myself but what about others Suffering what if they can relate like I do to other books of the mentally ill but you said you had no intent Now I do I want to save people create meetings like aa for mentally disabled. See reader how they just keep coming. Wow 498 words. How many thoughts did I miss what if I miss a good one. Good one Dan what are you trying to write. Goodnight for now 10:03pm 7/17. I must keep writing the curse of the flywheel. Maybe that will be the title. Maybe I should stay up a start a blog about what...anything you have read so much pick I topic a blog away. Folly. Still going need to put iPad down fuck them I won't change iPad I would rather it not published then to edit my thoughts...can you see how the thoughts go it is crazy. My name is Dan siddons and this is my life unedited one thought at a time. If you read this far keep reading and add you unedited thoughts along with mine and together we can all help ourselves. THE MENTALLY ILL Breakfast... What is this how you are treated in a mental crisis hospital ward? The walls are cold and old made of cider blocks. How Am I going to get better here. This is not what I thought. I am freezing so cold so cold The dining room is dirty writing on the walls oh but so great full to be here away from family. The pressure they we're applying put me here. How family misunderstands us. Back to my first Backer act at a different time Streaming videos is the future should I open a website and conquer digital content market. Why must my thoughts go towards winning? I don't like jobs I want to build a business a news platform. Streaming news...maybe I will call it TJN after my parents. Or should I post this book and see where it falls... I am off to program. Investing has always had a hold I me yet I have yet to invest funny ironic. To much debt and no money. Debt the mantra for the mentally disabled. We flush our lives away when illness flares up. The countless homes relationships money lost to this terrible illness. Most mentally ill do not know anything is wrong until homeless jobless or in jail. I though want to die was normal way to think. I was so very wrong the intangibles of mental illness is devastating. No one can see it I didn't even know until my break up with Kim see how my thoughts go back to the trauma that shattered my life...why? I want to gain control of thoughts but they are smarter than me. Back to Backer Act 1 does your family know the power of your depression. I begin crying... Panic attacks are incredibly painfully you cry want to die become paralyzed with fear. Those you have can relate. Backer Act 1 this is not the way to be treated. How can I get better here. Boot camp I can see but not a hospital. They tell me I don't want to kill my self. Oh how I want to snap his neck. Some suit I meat daily behind a desk. What does he know... or is he right oh well fuck you I am going to my room and don't call for me tomorrow suit. I glance at CNBC and see a golf course. I love golfing but STOPPED. why would I stop something I love. The plight of the mentally ill. Btw I am bouncing from Backer Act 1 to present time. Read on follow my crazy thoughts. No pattern just torture back and forth past to future impossible for me to stay in present. Oh god please help. That is how my life was before medicine. My name is Dan and those were how my thoughts controlled my before medicine... Ok back to thoughts No this is how the format needs to be. No structure like how my life was. If you edit it you write it put your name on it but no one will read you are not mentally disabled. My thoughts as they happen. My name is dan I am mentally ill and want to share what I went through. 1 thought at a time before medicine before medicine before medicine b4 medicine. Read on dear reader and add your thoughts with mine to help us the mentally ill Fast forward to present day I am stabilized with the help from doctors and medicine. Without medicine I would have taken my life. Take medicine dear reader or seek help if your thoughts are how mine used to be. Yes I can write properly but why? I am no author. I am only a man writing maybe I will keep this or erase it but edit I will not. My name is dan here are more thoughts as I turn off and let flywheel spin. My life as a mentally ill person one thought at a time. Fast so fast I can barely write them Did I mention... no I will save it for another time Fast Fast Fast Faster If only I could connect brain to iPad can you imagine. It would never make sense. But to you dear reader you know how they thoughts can be. I can STOP right now and you will now my next words because our thoughts consume us control us kill US. please pick up phone and call for help I did. Tom it's dan I am about to do something stupid... Danny you are my brother and I love you. The beginning of getting help. I am on a plane heading to Miami hoping plane crashes so I can die. So let me begin my story of getting help... As the plane is taxing to the gate I am wondering who will pick me up or will I take a taxi? A text from my brother John is waiting for me. We imbrace in a hug and the tears begin to flow something I have been doing lately and will continue for the next few months. Tears tears tears. Driving to his house he questions me about using drugs and if I continue I am not welcome at his home. He searches my bag. Drugs? I don't use drugs what is going on what did I get myself involved here... Back to the thoughts the flywheel of my youth. I am no go worthless. I failed first grade almost failed a second time out of fear of being raped I faked sick and stayed how. I was sick mentally sick but no one knew I didn't even know. So I dive into reading and sports. I know everything in sports. My dad brings home a Nintendo we love it. I spend hours to escape from the thoughts. I am the neighbor hood Tecmobool champion. I stop writing for today. This is boring not convening anything. My reader I apologize. I refuse to edit or start again. I want this to be me dan siddons one thought at a time. I slept in today may my depression is about to pick up and I have no desire to continue to write as of now. You relate and please accept my apologies. I am crying because I am providing no content. I STOP....wandering if I will continue? Only time will tell. Dan siddons my existence one thought at a time. I am continuing writing I can't stop but nothing is making sense. Maybe that is good because when the thoughts get going do they make sense? Dear reader relate don't give up on me I need you right now. We need to unite to help the others suffering. See my thoughts are of helping building. Why can't I be normal get a job pay my dues retire and wait to be called home? But I am constantly driving I read many books a month I build a website just to get followers then close it. Fear no. Competition I win I am better I dive in kill the opposition then STOP. To begin a something new. My fellow reader I know you do the same. WHY? Mental illness is fickle. Isn't it. We build then flush. Build then flush. And the process repeats... Now the thoughts are flying. I said I was done for the day but the drive keeps me typing. Making sense no and yes. Read into the thoughts my new friend. They are all over. Run on sentences. Crazy punctuation. Isn't that how your mind goes when you let it. So maybe it is making sense. Either way I don't care. I am writing unfiltered unedited as they come. Not a journey not a book. Not anything just words. Maybe one writing I will be deep rich with meaning maybe not. Maybe I will erase like I do everything in my life. I have never put words on paper. As you can tell. Haha. I make no apologies I am not an author. I am dan siddons unedited unapologetic. A mentally disabled man sharing his life and thoughts. Will I provide advice no never I can't I don't know what you dear reader or going through. As I write I realized earlier I said pick up phone. I take that back. Do what you will. If your life has been like mine you consider dying as a pleasure not a loss. When things are good in the back of you mind we we know that pain will come back. I was hospitalized for 2 years maybe I will tell of that maybe not. See just my thoughts. I make no apologies for my jumping. Beginning I was going to share my beginning of getting help. Then I said I was done for the day and I am stil typing fast fast fast. Now I can't Stop. I know I am not making sense but to you dear reader I am for you go through same process. Why bring up hospital and not share that experience. Why you ask editor because I don't want to. This is raw my thoughts as there come Break in point dear reader I found skills to control thoughts but not to control my desire to die. I can write this correctly. In a more of a story form but that is not how are life works when the illness kicks in and takes over. So I will continue to write one thought at a time as I ALLOW them to come through. See allow. I have control of the thoughts. But that's a boring tale written by many. Accept for know my style for someday I may writ correctly to show I can but why? I want this raw my thoughts unfiltered unapologetic I am who I am. Yes I have written papers on investments this is not the place for that. Forgive and read and see how I let the thoughts to TORTURE me. Dan If loved ones are reading. You are my reason for writing and also the reason of this chaos. Chaos your loved one is going through or went through. The thoughts are fast and uncontrollable and torturing. Why didn't I put this in the beginning because. A point needs to be made here right NOW: rember no outline no plan. Yes the statement is contradicting I know because I am sounding like there is a plan. The thought hit me now to address you the loved one of the mentally ill. And I will not edit or replace to fit better or read better. So I guess I do have a plan. It is a plan of the Chaos of our the mentally ill thoughts. So again I make no apologies for my mistakes in English writing style. It needs to be this way because our thoughts are not fair they just come drive some to kill them I want to make a serious thought out statement. To the loved ones please I plead with you to learn about the illness of your suffer. Why? During a moment of irrational thought people of every make and model have taken their life's. Think with me for a brief moment. Jumping out a window or off a building or cliff to stop the pain yet knowing their life will not continue is counter intuitive. Evolution has not remedied this epidemic of suicide. To many are taking their lives because of unacceptance from loved ones. You loved one are our heroes... My fellow reader how is your Day? Tell me. Email me. [email protected] Let's come together and begin a crusade to help US the mentally disabled. Idk maybe a blog maybe a channel... suggestions? I will share a little story of being in the South Florida State Mentally Hospital. People are walking around like a college dorm. Are they comfortable here? I wasn't but then I ecame like them comfortable a shift happened. Funny but I enjoyed being there. I took advantage of all the help I could get. I had two of the BEST doctors. I was very fortunate for them. I thought I was going to be there for years. I feel in love with jumping in front of a train while being in jail. In jail without medicine. Did I mention I was arrested. I'll come back to that at a different time. That is all for now about the hospital. Today would be great if I went away called home by god. God allow me to live today according to your will. A prayer I repeat throughout my day. As much as I can write about mentally illness. I won't that would be boring and many have. I will continue one thought at a time. Read fast read fast. You know the thoughts they fire and they are off to the races. Maybe I will end here. Keep only for me. That can be good or bad. Only time will tell. Time. Man made and it controls us. Folly. Leave time for others let's get better together Should I just unleash the thoughts... Can you handle them. I know you can but your thoughts are hard to handle they just come and won't stop. I remember how draining they were. Some days I just selt from the mentally anguish of the thoughts. Other times I would not sleep for days. Manic maybe. I don't like this session forgive me please. Raw my thoughts should I... no lets keep these ones to me. I hated school did you? But I love to learn. I have a desire for knowledge and a willingness to earn it. Do you? What is your addiction? What drives you? Learning drives me I read I read I read I read I read I read... I currently live in a group home crazy. I started with hospital then school now living. situation make sense? Yes to us the mentally ill. The thought come in all different angles. Funny right I will have to self publish for no publisher can understand this book. But you dear reader you can I feel it. Your thoughts go and drive you MAD!!!!!! The pain? Go through it. It makes you stronger. The mantra of those who never experienced mental pain. Look at the sunshine. Fuck off. You look at it leave me the fuck alone. Be grateful of life. Fuck off I am getting serious. Walk away. Some dip shit tech in the hospital that sits on her ass all day. You don't know my pain because you sat in a training that you didn't pay attention TO!! I was just sucker punched... as I come to refocused my arms are protecting my head. As a good at him blood everywhere I thought my ear fell off. Tech graphs him. I want to knock him into another world. I walk away put my fist through the wall one of many times. I press charges police tell me I was hit 32 times fell over bench got up procecting my head. Nothing happens for 3 weeks we walk by on another. Should I snap his neck break his arm kill him... I do nothing for 3 fucking weeks I restrained myself. I am told they are moving me to another unit. Dead focus glare at doctor I say nothing. She is uncomfortable with my stare Minutes pass... Dan Dan Daniel I hate that name. What? I am not moving to another unit. She tells me to call my father. 3 hours later Cory is moved to another unit. Sad pissed off I had to have my father call to get him moved. Another hole in the wall. I was attacked 18 times fought back once. Here is why. I will come back at different time to explain not ready yet... Let's laugh at my writing style hahaha. My fellow reader. This is how it must be RAW Scattered like our lives thoughts actions feelings emotions relationships jobs... Why write any other way. I am writing to you. I feel your thoughts I know them. I went through them. Not so much these days. MEDICINE. Thank you GOD for my medicine. My name is dan siddons I have a mental illness and I am happy to share about it. The release feels so good. What take medicine away?! Ok prepare a funeral because I Refuse to go through that inner pain again. I am not happy she says with tear falling down her beautiful face. 6 month pass I cry a lot many times during the day. My friend did you cry do you cry now. I start drinking heavy to kill the pain. From morning until bed I consume alcohol Was not a drinker. Will I become one? Idk just want the pain to subside and feel relief. Present day I don't drink MEDICINE has given me life purpose direction. Not every day is good. But those pre med days I don't know how I didn't kill my self. My bedroom in Chris's house had a gun. Why I never used it I can't answer. I think the booze worked. Where should we go know? I stop writing but my drive continues to type. You fellow reader the thoughts drive you made. Family? They don't understand me. Friends I have none. Girlfriend? They hear of my past and run Run run My name is dan siddons I am not an author I am a man who suffers from a mental disability and I am sharing my life to you one thought at a time as they enter and as I remember them. Dan Dan dan I continue writing no I will stop but I can't my drive won't allow me. Dear reader the thoughts are consuming aren't they? Don't they ever tire. Their energy is incredible they even enter our dreams. Stop stop stop coping skills. I will spend the whole day replacing them. So I take medicine for quality of life Quality Of Life Yes!!! If you don't like it fuck off I will find a publisher See I as I write I am have an imaginary argument with a publisher. Oh how fun and fickle this life is. Why won't it end? My drive thoughts say I am here to impact. Impact I can't even get out of bed. How am I supposed to impact? Any sane person would have me hospitalized after reading only a few sentences But they don't understand mental illness I don't understand it. How can "they" Embrace this style write your own In your own way We will come together a help us the mentally disabled bam bam bam. The thoughts bouncing off my skull. Oh my friend I pray for you to get better. Is there a getting better or just surviving this terrible illness. Fuck it right yes FUCK IT!!!!

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ashfxrd · 5 years

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Embrace the Evil - Nano ‘19 Day 2

In which I talk Drow OCs, why the Vox Machina Graphic Novel is life, and might have to come to terms with the fact that I am indeed no longer a pantser. (If you are interested in the making of a Critical Role Fanfiction you are more than welcome to jump over all the blog stuff and scroll straight to the next headline.)

Lo and behold! It is November, National Novel Writing Month. And instead of, you know, writing said novel I am dusting off this blog. Sounds like a bad idea, doesn’t it?

But since I am trying something new this November I thought it would be fitting to do something completely new. Like, you know, stick to my goals for one. And here I am, updating you all on the writing process. And most importantly, explaining why I am not working on an original project this month.

I spend the last three Nanos on original projects. I never finished said projects, at least not enough to send them off to my beta readers. And when this Nano approached I felt really truly sad about that fact. I love my books, I truly do, but one is a giant baby with 120 thousand words that need to be revised and mostly rewritten, the other is somewhere around the 70 thousand mark, and not better off at all. So I was hit with doubt even before Nano started. Why write another 50+ word monster when I still have so much work to do on the other two?

Now this year was rather rough for me, due to personal problems and health issues within my immediate family. I set out with great creative goals and ended up not being able to reach any of them. I simply had no time for writing. And believe me, I was so ready for Nano. I was ready to delve headfirst back into the maze that my mind sometimes turns into, I was ready to experience a new story, a new adventure.

But I was not ready to write something serious. I was not ready to write something with the thought of publishing it one day, I was not ready to write something that needed to be good. But that is not the point of Nano anyway, is it?

So I had a long talk with my wonderful CP, thought about it quite thoroughly, and then finally decided I would start something new. Instead of starting a new original project - I had no time for outlining and world-building anyway, let alone inspiration - I was going to write a fanfiction. A real and true fanfiction.

Set in Tal’Dorei.

And why? Because I spend almost all of October prepping a DnD campaign for my friends and whenever I read something about Mercer’s world I thought to myself “Oh my gosh! This would make such an amazing setting for one of my stories!” I created NPCs that seemed so interesting to me that I wanted to spend even more time with them (A half-elf Drow, princess of thieves for example), but all of it was too cheesy, too high-fantasy, too standard, to fit into any of my original work. Lately, whenever I am working on my fantasy novel I am hit with that doubt, that little voice that tells me this has been done before. And during Nano I did not want to have to listen to this voice. I wanted to have fun, to remind myself of why I love writing, why I love creating in the first place. And maybe even end up creating something I could share with such an amazing and talented fandom.

So I told myself, I will use Mercer’s amazing world, my cheesy RPG NPCs, and write a nice little story with that.

Three days before Nano the panic set in. So I tried to outline, at least a little, only a few scenes... Something! I needed a starting point. I used to be a full pantser, going into a story with no outline and having no idea what to do. And I used to pants approximately 15 - 30 thousand words before hitting the first real obstacle. But I always ended up having to revise too much. So I trained myself to rely more on outlines. But this Nano would be different, this Nano would be fun. This Nano would be nothing but High Fantasy galore, pantsing, jumping around, ADVENTURE!

Now, you see, there is a reason I am DM, not player. I HATE PANTSING.

Gosh, I cannot believe I just said that. I was always a pantser at heart. But I am sitting here, wading through the murky waters of a new story, and I do not know where I want to go with these characters. I have no idea who they are! I have no idea what they want! I have no idea why I should even write the story if there is no ending insight!

Do not get me wrong, I am doing great so far. I am writing my words and hitting my goals. But it is only day 2 and there are still a lot of words to write. Maybe, I thought to myself, I do need at least a little more planning.

The first thing I did, as always, was spending more time on my characters. Which gets us to the first real topic of this tiny little series (except for my pantser-crisis):

DROW.

Now if you are familiar with Dungeons&Dragons, The Forgotten Realms, or similar fantasy concepts you may have heard of the Drow. Well, you will definitely have heard of them, let’s be real here. The Drow, the dark elves of the Underdark, are a deprived and terrible society of evil creatures, lurking in the night and taking away innocent souls to serve them as slaves in their bloody cities. They bow only to Loth, the Spider Goddess.

And I love them.

Honestly. I love a good villain, and the Drow are nothing but pure evil villains. I blame my cousins for this love for Drow because they did not only introduce me to DnD when I was like twelve years old but have been talking about and adoring Drizzt do’Urden for as long as I can remember. I should admit, right here and right now, that I never read a book by Salvatore, I only got into DnD a few months ago, and I watched like one full episode of Critical Role. I would not be me though if I did not delve headfirst into this obsession.

Drizzt do’Urden is the exception when it comes to Drow. He is not a villain, he is a hero. He battles the villains and he is an outcast, an elf whose kin turned on him because of that fact. It is exactly the kind of story that is gripping and interesting, the kind of hero you wish to follow until the end. But I wanted my Drow to be different. She was brought up in the Underdark for the first five years of her life before her human father saved her from that dreadful place. He brought her to his home and raised her. There was the possibility of her turning out not evil because of the good upbringing, but I decided to make him a Spireling of the Clasp. Because I cannot have nice things. I wanted this story to be about to half-elves, one Drow and one not, struggling with who they really are, where their place is in this world. I wanted to explore the age-old question of nature vs. nurture. I wanted my nice Drow OC to stumble into the Underdark, to see what her people are capable of and end up questioning if she herself is capable of such dark things. I wanted her to fear her true nature, to battle it. I wanted her to stand victorious as many times as she will be defeated.

I wanted to tell a tale in which there is neither good nor evil, but only a lot of grey.

But it turns out writing Villains as the heroes of a story is not that easy. Where one character is troubled to see her father’s true nature when he is both, Spiraling of the Clasp and caring parent, I struggle to write such a complex person without it all becoming way too cheesy.

So my initial plan of pantsing my way through this fanfiction and exploring it all as I went along failed on Day 2. Yay me.

But fear not! I dove into research, refreshed my lore, and read about the best ways of playing a Drow in a DnD campaign. (Let me get one thing straight, playing a believable character in DnD, or DMing a good campaign consist of the same things as writing a good character/ story). There was one article that dealt with the “Embracing the Evil” part of playing a Drow. The author of said article made a point in saying that there are way too many good Drow OCs out there and that evil does not always equal evil. And I am now sitting here, wondering about nurture vs nature myself, wondering about how evil I can make my characters and still have the readers care for them, still have them 3d.

Because let us be real, there is no reason to read something if you do not care about the characters in it. There is no reason for writing something if you do not care about the characters in it.

It is back to the drawing board for me, peppering my story with some really evil characters - Drow and not Drow - before I can find an answer to those questions that satisfies me enough.

Vox Machina and Stilben.

Which gets me to the next important part of my story: Setting.

Early September my Mom got me the Tal’Dorei campaign guide for my birthday. Because a) I love world-building more than anything, b) I needed a setting for our growing DnD campaign and c) I adore getting lost in Fantasy Worlds. After I decided that my Nano project would take place in that world I started to flip through the book, searching for a place that could fit my story. I knew I did not want to start in one of the major cities and I knew I needed a port. I also knew that the struggle between Clasp and Myriad would be a thing in the story.

It did not take long for me to find Stilben. A stinking coastal town at the edge of the K’Tawl swamp. It just sounded perfect! And it had the Clasp struggling against the Myriad, it had amazing adventures around it, great world-building, and a direct route to the main city! I adored the region and could not wait to throw my characters into it. There was a small paragraph in the Campaign Guide saying that Vox Machina had one of their first adventures within the K’Tawl Swamp, but since I hadn’t really watched the series yet I thought it to be only a tiny bit of background knowledge.

I spend a few days reading about the place, the religions there, the monsters, and so forth. On Friday - yesterday - I got up even earlier than usual to get some writing time in and start Nanowrimo off right. I wrote the first scene, in which members of the Claps break and enter into a ship from Wildemount to steal from the Myriad. I wanted to have this flashback of them meeting one of my MCs five years prior to the events of the story. The idea was to have my two side characters interfere with the Myriads business, working for the Clasp, and five years my MCs do the same, but now the conflict has only grown and their interference leads to an escalation.

It needed to take place on a ship because the Myriad was about to smuggle my MC out of the country. That was like the only thing I knew about this scene (or the general backstory of said MC) before I sat down to write it. But once I started to write the words just kept flowing and all fell into place. It was truly a magical start to this year’s Nano. Later that day I was able to leave work a lot earlier than expected, but I missed the train and had a few minutes of time to kill in the city. An interesting twist of fate, looking back to it now. I went to the local comics and book shop, thinking I could maybe get something for our DnD campaign. But on the way there I remembered that there is actually a Vox Machina Origins Graphic Novel out there and that I could see and read more about Tal’Dorei! So to celebrate the beginning of Nano, a month I had waited for almost all year, I decided to see if fate would allow me to buy that book. I looked it up on Goodreads to know the exact name and read the Synopsis.

(...) following six would-be heroes as they uncover a plot to destroy the small coastal town of Stilben.

I stopped in my tracks. Could I write a story that takes place in Stilben without it feeling too much like a rip-off? Without copying too much of Mercer’s work?

But I reminded myself that I was already taking a lot of Mercer’s work into my own story. The entire world-building for once! And it was supposed to be a fanfiction after all, there was nothing wrong in using the same setting as the original. Even better, since we are talking a graphic novel buying it would enable me to see Stilben instead of simply reading about it. And how many times can you say that you are really seeing the world of your story in front of you? Brought to life by someone else?

I remembered that Liam O’Brien, cast member of Critical Role, said something during their fall update video along the lines of wanting to tell stories and inspiring others to do the same. And as I walked to the Comic Store I was more than just inspired. I was totally hyped. Only to find out though, that our small Comic Store no longer sold English Graphic Novels and Comics. The internet destroyed that market for them. Perchance they could order it for me though? I thought about going home and ordering it online myself, which would mean I’d get it a lot earlier than ordering through the store. But I was there to support local booksellers and so I said, yes please, order it for me. Too bad the guy couldn’t find it online either! I got really frustrated when suddenly the cover art loaded on his computer and he went all “Oh, is this that Critical Role stuff?” YES. YES, IT IS. He told me they might still have some German issues... and wait, what? There is a German issue? I hadn’t known. He told me it hadn’t been released that long ago and I think he found it kind of funny how happy I was, clutching my new book and almost running out of his shop to read.

Fate indeed.

On my train ride home I read the first few pages and dearly enjoyed it. But even better, the book has a city map of Stilben in the back! I could choose a street, even a house in which my MCs could grow up in. I knew how their backyard was looking like, I knew how the other people in their city were looking like, and acting. This graphic novel was a gold mine of inspiration. And it got better with every page I turned.

Me, meeting a real Spireling of the Clasp? Check. The book taking place early on when the struggle between the Clasp and the Myriad is slowly beginning? Check. The Myriad having their secret lair inside a ship and working from there? DOUBLE CHECK.

It all felt so right. Part of the story I wanted to write had already been written and my little idea just fit perfectly into the picture, like a piece of the puzzle. I wondered if people would read it, maybe like or even adore it, I wondered if my little story idea could really become a part of this wonderful and amazingly thought-through world, even if it was just inside my own head. And instead of discouraging me, the idea inspired me. Because, and yes I am going to be cheesy and quoting the theme in just a few seconds, how am I to find out if the story truly has the potential to become part of the puzzle if not through writing it? It is time to take a chance and roll the dice, it seems.

Reading this graphic novel during the last two days has been an absolute joy. The art is amazing, I adore how so much of the story is told through the facial expressions and there is always something going on in the background. It was amazing to see these characters brought to life in such a different way. I can only recommend it!

But the one thing it truly did was inspire me to tell this story even more. It just feels more right than before to use Stilben as a setting, to start from that point and see where the adventure will take me. Maybe, someday, I will take you all along for the ride! Fret not, I am pretty sure this is the only Nanowrimo Update post that will be this long.

Until then, Happy Writing my lovely Cupcakes! As always feel free to leave any questions or critic! ♥

Marie

#nanowrimo 2019 #am writing #world building #critical role #tagging because yes this is about me writing a fanfiction #deal with it

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andrewdburton · 5 years

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Depression and me

For much of the past two weeks, I've been wrestling with my mental health. I could sense a crisis coming, so I scheduled some time away. I didn't want to have to be worrying about blog posts while I was worrying about everything else. Thus, my “summer vacation”.

Long-time readers are aware that I've struggled with depression for most of my life.

In sixth grade, I missed five weeks of school with what my father called “parrot fever”. (We had parrots, and he attributed my issues to a parrot allergy.) After our family physician could find nothing wrong with me, Dad took me to his therapist. Hushed conversations followed the appointment. The verdict: I was dealing with depression.

In junior high, I was briefly suicidal but made a deliberate decision to turn things around. In high school and college, the depression was always there, looming in the shadows. As a young adult, it mostly went away…but then it came back as I got older.

In 1999, when I was thirty, I experienced something new: anxiety. At one point, I thought I was having a heart attack. Nope. It was a panic attack. When the second panic attack came a few weeks later, I knew it wasn't my heart. It was me stressing about life.

Interesting note: It was after the second panic attack that my doctor strongly encouraged me to start drinking red wine. For real. Before that, I was a teetotaler.

During my divorce in 2011-12, Kris asked me a favor. “Please see a counselor,” she said. I did, and it helped. My therapist gave me advice for coping with depression and anxiety, plus she diagnosed me with ADD. For a few years, I was able to manage my symptoms.

Last year, though, things got bad. March and April and May were a struggle. In June, I published an article here about my ongoing battle with depression. During the summer, my mental health improved, however, and I forgot about how hard the spring had been.

A Sneaky Little, Sticky Bitch

In February of this year, my anxiety returned. The depression followed soon after. When my heart-attack scare in mid-March turned up no physical issues (other than high blood pressure), my doctor suggested that the problem was anxiety. She asked me to start seeing a therapist again. So, I did.

Since early May, I've been attending talk therapy once a week. We're exploring why I feel so anxious, and how using alcohol to cope with anxiety is a “maladaptive behavior”. We're exploring other ways to make things work.

The trouble? When I don't drink in the afternoon, I get more anxious.

The frustrating thing is that the depression and anxiety lead me to act like a completely different person.

For instance, I love people. I love spending time with people. Social interaction energizes me. Right now, though? I hate it. I don't want to deal with anyone in any capacity. I don't want to spend time with friends. I don't want to be in crowds. (I make an exception for Portland Timbers games.) I don't even want to go to the grocery store.

Here are some ways this manifests itself:

Today, I had a lunch appointment with a colleague and friend. Karl is a great guy and I enjoy spending time with him. Normally. Today, though, all I could think about were the reasons I might be able to cancel.

Yesterday, I taped a TV interview with a local station. I wanted to cancel that too. Afterward, I ought to have driven out to the family box factory. But I didn't. I didn't want to spend time with my brother and cousin.

This Sunday evening, there's another Portland Timbers game. Kim can't go with me, so I need to find somebody else to join me. I have zero desire to do so. I may end up selling the tickets and skipping the game because of my anxiety.

My medical doctor has prescribed propranolol to simultaneously deal with my high blood pressure and my anxiety. While it seems to be helping the former, it's not helping the latter. (According to wikipedia, it's really only useful for performance anxiety.)

Meanwhile, the depression is even worse. If you look at the symptoms of depression, I'm exhibiting every single one. Some of my symptoms are severe.

Fatigue? Have it.

Insomnia? You bet.

Feelings of guilt and worthlessness? Oh boy.

Irritability? Yes, and it's so not me. I'm not an irritable guy — but I am lately.

Loss of interest in things once pleasurable? Absolutely, and it's SO FRUSTRATING. Nothing appeals to me. I'm numb.

Trouble concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions? You have no idea. Everything is a chore.

The latter is especially difficult to deal with. When Karl asked where to meet for lunch today, I couldn't decide. Why not? That's so simple! Last night, Kim wanted me to make dinner. But I didn't because I couldn't decide what to fix. That's ridiculous!

A Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

In fact, yesterday was miserable. It might have been the worst day of my entire life.

My head was a mess of negative thoughts and emotions, all of them swirling and swirling and swirling in a never-ending dark cloud of despair. I couldn't focus on anything. I did tape the TV interview (the first segment went very well, but the second bordered on incoherent) but that's the only productive thing I did all day.

On the drive home, I bought — and then consumed — a big bowl of clam chowder, a big bag of potato chips, and an entire package of chocolate chip cookies. Then I sat in the hot tub and played a videogame for five hours. (At least I didn't drink alcohol!)

When Kim came home, she asked, “What's for dinner?” I admitted that I hadn't made dinner — but I didn't tell her how messed up my head had been all day. (She knows I'm struggling but she doesn't know how badly.) While she changed out of her scrubs, I fried some frozen potstickers.

Naturally, all of this makes me feel even more guilty and worthless and depressed. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm sure you can see how this would translate in an inability to get work done, both here at Get Rich Slowly and in my real life.

It's a problem.

What's the solution to the problem? I'm not sure. There must be one. But I don't know what it is. Drink every afternoon? That's what I've been doing, and it works. But, as my therapist says, it's a maladaptive behavior. I think we all know where that road leads.

My therapist is patient. She keeps giving me homework assignments…and I keep avoiding them. Exercise! Meditate! Set goals! These all sound awesome. They're all things I know I like to do. But they also sound like tremendous effort, so I don't do them.

Bringing Gratitude

Instead of canceling my lunch appointment with Karl today, I went. I'm glad I did.

I've known Karl for almost a decade. He's one of the most uplifting, supportive people I've ever met. I love that his work is centered on positivity. He runs a site called Bring Gratitude and he published a book by the same name. (Six months ago, he shared a guest article here at Get Rich Slowly about practicing gratitude with a daily journal.)

As we sat down for lunch, I told Karl point blank about the issues I'm going through.

“I can totally relate,” he said, and he shared some of his own past struggles.

“You know,” I said, “my therapist has been urging me to try meditation. But I don't know how to start.”

Karl nodded. “I meditate. I meditated just this morning. But it can be tough to get going. You have so many thoughts racing through your head. Here's one thing that might work, though. Give yourself one minute. Only a minute. For that minute, meditate on all of the things that you're thankful for.”

“I like that idea,” I said. “I like it a lot. Normally, I'm a grateful guy. I'm a lucky man, and I know it. Usually. Lately, though, I've forgotten how awesome life is. Meditating on the things I'm grateful for would be a great way to remind me of what I've got.”

Thank You

On my drive home, I put Karl's idea into practice. I took back roads. As I drove slowly through the countryside, I thought about all of the things that I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for Kim. She's a not just a wonderful partner in life, but she's a wonderful person. She's a good soul.

I'm thankful for my dog. Tahlequah is a handful (a pawful?), and I do get frustrated with her. But I'm also grateful to have such an enthusiastic hound dog in my life.

I'm thankful for my health. I haven't taken care of myself much lately, but that's on me. Generally speaking, my body is in fine shape. And with a little work, it could be in great shape once again.

I'm grateful for music. I don't mention it much, but music brings great joy to my life. I love music of all sorts. Taylor Swift, yes, but also U2 and Mozart and Styx and ABBA and Public Enemy.

I'm thankful for Portland. I love the green of it. I love its quirky die-hard (sometimes absurd) liberalism. I love the food scene and the Timbers and the passion for books. Speaking of which…

I'm grateful for words. Books bring me joy. So does writing. I've managed to make a living from my words, and I hope to continue doing so in the future.

I'm grateful for life.

Here at home, I had a call with my business partner, Tom. We spent two hours talking about behind-the-scenes details here at Get Rich Slowly. We made plans for the future. But we also took a lot of time to talk about nothing.

It was awesome. It was just what I needed.

When I got off the call, the dog wanted to play. She looked up with puppy-dog eyes and made her little whine that means, “Dad, throw the ball for me.” We went outside into the sunshine and I threw the ball for her. Then, I got down on my knees and wrestled with her. She loves when I wrestle with her.

“I really do have a good life,” I thought after the dog and I were done chomping on each other. I went into the kitchen to put away the clean dishes. “I'm thankful for all of it.”

You know what? I'm thankful for Get Rich Slowly too. And for you, the readers. This site has been a huge blessing in my life — and I'm not one to talk much about blessings. I've put a lot into GRS, it's true, but I've gotten so much more out of it. I've gotten so much from you folks.

So, thank you. I mean it. Thank you for reading. Thank you for contributing. Thank you for everything.

Few and Far Between

As Karl and I chatted at lunch today, I caught a Natalie Merchant song playing on the restaurant's radio. At first I thought it was “Wonder”, but then I recognized it as “Few and Far Between”.

“How fitting,” I thought. Some of the lyrics:

“‘Til you make your peace with yesterday, you'll never build a future. I swear by what I say: Whatever penance you do, decide what it's worth to you, and then respect it. However long it will take to weather your mistakes? Why not accept it?”

So, that's what has been going on in my life lately. It's been a struggle. But I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I can see some money articles at the end of the keyboard. (Thank goodness, right?)

What's been going on with you?

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gerigibbons · 7 years

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Put the mask on first: tactical support for feeling overwhelmed

There’s a reason why airline instructions are to “put the mask on yourself first…”

How long is your to-do list? Is time for yourself or self-care on it? How are you going to tackle that list if you haven’t looked after yourself?

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed

This last week we were finalizing year-end self-evaluations in my day job as well as moving forward with a couple of major marketing launches. My task list – at work, in my coaching business, and at home was long and a little challenging.

I felt like I was juggling with my feet, keeping 3 balls in the air. And yes, a few balls fell to the floor. [We ran out of milk, salad, and eggs. The house looks a little too well-lived in, and God knows I better do some laundry.] But it’s OK. No one was injured by the dropped balls. 😉

I was not the only one feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

At least three clients this week were feeling it too. From New Zealand to London to Wisconsin we were all in “overwhelm” mode for really good reasons: a family member in crisis, a new baby, and a new business (at once!), and juggling a demanding teaching job with equally demanding family life. And me: the solo mom with a full-time job and a thriving coaching business.

Feeling overwhelmed puts our bodies and minds under stress, and when we feel that, we tend to do a few things:

Freeze: We have so much to do, so we can’t get anything done properly. We don’t know where to begin, so we don’t. One of my clients this week wanted to “shut the door and run away.”

Run around in circles: Chicken with its head cut off? (terrible animal cruelty analogy) When we do find a place to start, our mindset is suboptimal to get through it. There’s a feeling of panic. Another client thought “I’m scrambling to meet my deadlines.”

Ignore: We ignore everything around us. We eat but don’t taste it. We drive, but don’t remember getting there. We plow through the work until we’re exhausted, spent and of no use to anyone, least of all ourselves.

What can you do? Let’s assume for a minute that all of our lists are non-negotiable. Someone, somewhere need “X” from us, at “Y” time and we need to provide it. We’ll table the discussion about how to say “No” for another blog post. Here’s what works for me. Give it a try:

Breathe — Truly. Take a minute, or 5 or better yet 10, to sit with yourself. Breathe in and out. Get present with yourself.

Do a data download! — Overwhelm from too much to do is best managed when you get it out of your head and onto paper. I can’t recommend enough taking 10-15 minutes in the morning to write in a journal whatever is in your head. This technique comes from the “Artist’s Way,” which is one of my favorite books. Write down all the things you’re feeling.

Keep a running to-do list—Next to your journal, keep a separate Post-it, or notepad next to it for all those “OMG I gotta call the dentist.” “Oh damn, I owe Kris a phone call for a week already.” The to-do list is just a running list (or, if you’re like my friend Emma, perhaps it’s a lot of lists). That’s OK. Just put them all in one place, put them all on a larger piece of paper. If you’re feeling like getting hyper-organized, make a master list and categorize it. Mine tend to be: Home, Shopping, Health, Kate (daughter), Shamrock (dog), Finance, Business, Work (day job)….But sometimes I lump them together. You don’t work off this list, you use it to drive scheduling.

Add the tasks you really WANT to do—Coffee or dinner with friends? Pedicure? Read a novel? Nap? Whatever things you do that bring you joy. One of the secrets to combatting overwhelm is self-care. I know that’s hard when the list is long, but you can’t get through the list if you’re burned out. You can’t be there for your family, friends, co-workers unless you’re there for yourself first. It’s why the airplane instructions are always to put your mask on first, and then your child’s.

Schedule the tasks in a planner—I go in and out of love with physical planners over digital, but I am not sure it makes a difference as long as you decide on a system and stick to it. I do not always go quite as far as “9:10 a.m. Book Dentist Appt” but I do block 15-30 min segments on my calendar to blast through the things that are creeping to the top of my list. And I do love striking through the things on the master list.

Life is always going to give us long lists of things we have to do. Remember that taking care of yourself is a prerequisite to tackling the busy-ness of our lives. Want to talk? I give free coaching sessions every week to anyone who needs support with a problem they are having, or if they just want to explore what life coaching with is all about. Book one now and see for yourself. I promise at least one tip or tool to help you feel better right away.

With love,

#coaching #emotions #life strategy #mindfulness #mindset #overwhelm #stress

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princealbertsjester · 7 years

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A Sit Down with Bonnie and the Bonnettes!

Ah! Hey Blog

I finally managed to get around to writing up our interview with Bonnie and Bonnettes. As Luke mentioned in an earlier post, we were met with disappointment upon our professional connection aspect of the project, but were overjoyed to meet with postgraduate students and fresh faced members of Bonnie and Bonettes’, Cameron Sharp, Hattie Eason & Becky Glendenning Laycock.

- Bonnie and Bonnettes promotional imagery for “Drag Me To Love”

They are a “Drag Theatre” performance group who much like us developed their original show on the Professional Directions module and have continued on with the project after university! We hope to learn from them some insights about the industry, and to follow in their footsteps. Below is the transcript of our interview!

NATHAN

Righty tighty! This is Prince Albert’s Jester, why am I acting like I’m on the radio, I’m the only one that’s going to listen to this, we’re sitting down with Bonnie and Bonnettes! That is the official name now isn’t it, rather than Drag Me to Love. For a little interview about their practise, what they get up to, how they got to this stage from last year, they’re very professional, very exciting! Tim what’s the first question?

TIM

How did you all each come into the performing arts to begin with?

CAMERON

What just in life?

NATHAN

Just in life.

HATTIE

Not together.

NATHAN

No.

HATTIE

Go on Cam.

CAMERON

Me? So I started doing plays when I were younger. I always auditioned for the female parts but I didn’t get them because it was a catholic school. So I played a drag queen from the age of 14, and when I was 18 I decided I didn’t want to be a drag queen anymore, I wanted to be a serious actor. And look where that ended up? Drag.

HATTIE

So, my Mum did musicals in our little village. My sister started them as well. When I came of age I was like, “I want to do them!” But I was so shy so I didn’t really go for any big parts. The day came though when I thought I want to go for a part, and I went for Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz! And I got it!

CAMERON

I did that. I played Toto. I had one line and it was woof.

HATTIE

And then I decided I wanted to be a star and go to London and be on the West End, and be a star! … and then I came to Northumbria.

BECKY

My sister started dance school when we were younger. I didn’t want to do it. We went to one of her shows and I thought “Oh god I’m going to hate this”, and I LOVED it, I was up on my feet dancing in the aisles. I joined this dance group and turned out I couldn’t dance! But there was an acting side, and I found a comedy group, we’d write out little skits and act them out. I found out I’m quite funny, and enjoyed writing. I came to Uni and met these guys, and at first I wanted to be a serious writer, but then I enjoyed performing again with these guys.

TIM

What kind of companies are you guys into or inspired by?

CAMERON

Hmm… companies we like…

HATTIE

Rash dash.

BECKY

Phenomenal.

HATTIE

You need to go and see them.

CAMERON

Shit Theatre. They’re coming to Northern Stage. They do cabaret, but in a non cabaret style.

BECKY

They make their own rules and you just kind of go with it. You love it. Jonny and the Baptists. They’re coming up and they are doing a show called “Eat the Poor” about the housing crisis and poverty. It’s brilliant.

CAMERON

We’re very in to people who use smaller stages, smaller spaces, but talk about huge issues.

BECKY

Like Figs in Wigs. They have a show where the beginning of the show is the end of another show. They are all dead, lights go down and they got up, bow and went off. Came back onstage and started the next show.

NATHAN

Brilliant.

HATTIE

Honestly, go see it. We’re very into theatre that can be seen as DIY. I really respect theatre when it’s not all about the money they’ve put into the set. And it is a bit shit. But it’s their love and passion, they’ve thought outside the box. They put their heart and soul into it.

BECKY

When it’s in their bones. When that’s everything they are doing right now.

HATTIE

Companies don’t need set and costume designers. You can put the time and effort in yourselves.

CAMERON

I don’t trust anyone else. It’s ours, it’s our baby. It’s our everything.

TIM

How long have you been working together, and what is your current project like?

CAMERON

What you see of the company now is not how it started. It was on the same module you were on, Professional Directions. It was me and another girl, Abbey. I was walking down Northumberland Street telling her stories, and we just realised it should be a show. We pitched it to Drama society but they said it should be on the drag scene… I disagreed.

HATTIE

But since that pitch, my god the show has changed. It was originally going to be like a conventional play with like, 12 drag queens.

NATHAN

That’s interesting, I remember coming to your stall at the fair last year and you’d coined it as a new thing, as “Drag Theatre” rather than a drag show.

CAMERON

I knew I wanted to lip sync to someone live, and Hattie can sing, so we brought her in for a cameo role almost but during rehearsals it became a collaboration. So you came on board as a full timer. Whoever was the third one it was going to be the third person, it was always going to be difficult. Abbey moved to Canada, so we needed somebody to balance mine and Hattie’s things, so I lip sync, she sings. And we both said we wanted Becky. And she was just perfect. Lovely and balanced. Beckie is our Dawn French esque character. Making a tit of herself on stage.

NATHAN

So Abbey is still a part of the group?

CAMERON

Yeah she’s the outside eye, like the Dramaturg. It’s great to have her on board.

BECKY

Yeah because she comes in and she knows the show inside and out because she cowrote it. And we’ve been devising and rehearsing and creating so she’s a great outside eye.

HATTIE

So overall, the company must have been together in different iterations for about two years?

CAMERON

But it’s been so many different iterations, we only formed together like this in…

HATTIE

May?

BECKY

It was at the cabaret. The end of year cabaret.

HATTIE

So officially for about a year now.

NATHAN

So you guys are obviously balancing being Masters students, being part of a professional company, and rehearsing in the lead up to your first every gig at Northern Stage, how does it feel?

BECKY

It’s awesome. I mean obviously we’re supposed to be in the library 24/7 reading and writing but we’re like, nah! Let’s do a show! A lot of the time we do have a panic about getting our work done, but if we do this for years and years to come I’d be very happy.

CAMERON

We’ve never really put the pressure on the show to be good. The reason we do the show the way it is now is due to scratch nights and audience feedback, and we were offered gigs and all sorts. It kind of just evolved from there.

HATTIE

It’s the best thing we’ve ever done. I genuinely feel like I’ve learned more about the industry in this past year as a three with these guys than I did in my entire time at uni. Like about a producers role. Applying for funding. Going to the Fringe. Doing your budgeting. Planning a tour. Extending your tour! Making a show. Writing a show. It’s so much more than saying “I’ve got a show, let’s do it!”.

CAMERON

With the amount of shit going on, it’s the time for young people to have a lot to say. Especially edgy, new kind of shows. It’s the time for it. We sat down and said, lets do the MA, and tour in Spring. Apparently. It’s a bit of a balancing act. For this next month, this is our priority.

HATTIE

The university has been really good about it. They’ve been very supportive and allowed us time to go to pitches.

CAMERON

Events such as Meet the Programmers and Venue’s North. Meet the Programmers you do a three minute pitch. Venue’s North is fifteen...

BECKY

You’re doing it for all the programmers and theatre people and people who do festivals go to those events. You stand up and say this is who I am! You meet so many people in a matter of minutes, because everybody has seen you and heard from you. It’s a bit disheartening, you think people will come up and talk to you but it’s not like that.

HATTIE

But, through that even we got the Durham scratch night, which was brilliant, and from that we got another one. You meet other artists as well at these events.

CAMERON

It’s good to scout out the competition too, as the people pitching will be performing at the same time as you.

BECKY

But it’s healthy competition up here. It’s all in good means. It’s a great community.

HATTIE

Since we’ve been doing Meet the Programmers, Venues North, working as a company away from a student and university setting, I’ve learned so much more about the theatre scene up here. I’ve met so many people. I can put a name to a company, and I can make connections. I know about different peoples companies and their work, and now I’m so aware. I’m so eager to get into it.

CAMERON

Are Prince Albert’s Jester wanting to stay up North?

NATHAN

There has been discussions of it. Myself and Tim are, but Luke is not so sure yet. As soon as the official plan is made we can start those arrangements.

HATTIE

Is there just three of you?

TIM

Yes

CAMERON

I like a three.

HATTIE

Sometimes a three can not be a great thing, because one can feel quite left out, but in our group and I’m sure in yours, the dynamic works.

CAMERON

Originally people said at scratch nights, that I should do it as a solo show, and so many people are doing solo shows and I personally find it boring.

HATTIE

Why does autobiographical theatre have to be a solo?

CAMERON

It’s cool more three’s are coming! People say, don’t form companies with your friends, but I don’t want to start it with anybody else!

HATTIE

We all became close, because of the show. It started out in a more professional capacity, we were interested in working together. And we became friends through that.

CAMERON

As far as being a professional goes, just say you are. If you say you are people will start treating you that way.

HATTIE

It’s all very well saying “Oh, we are a new upcoming theatre company”, we put that on all of our applications. We don’t class ourselves as amateur, we don’t class ourselves as semi-professional, you don’t say, “Oh, we’ll be professional after our first tour,” No. You won’t get it done. It just won’t be. Don’t fanny about. Make decisions. This is who we are and this is what we want to do.

BECKY

Tell everybody you are professional.

CAMERON

As a company, of course we want it to be a job, but we have to work outside of it to have money to live.

BECKY

If we got our own rehearsal space, that would be the dream.

NATHAN

I know that feeling.

BECKY

I’d love to be able to go to a theatre and say “Oh I’ve toured here”.

CAMERON

It’s not about being famous. It’s about being successful.

BECKY

And what is successful to us!

HATTIE

I already feel successful. I would say we are succeeding.

NATHAN

Go on ask a nice one to finish on.

TIM

Tell us the funniest joke you know?

CAMERON

Oh god.

HATTIE

Oh go on, tell it.

CAMERON

There’s a woman in a park. She’s walking a dog. And a man comes up to her and says, “What a lovely dog!” And she says “Oh thank you, he’s interbred,”… and a duck comes out the bushes and says, “I’ll tell you who else is into bread,”

Our meeting with Cameron, Hattie and Becky was a raging success. Despite struggling with our professional connections in this project, this interview provided a font of knowledge we would have otherwise never have accessed. The importance of DIY, small space theatre companies in the current social and political climate provides a hole in the market our group can fill. And the events such as Events North and Meet the Programmers are important dates to put in our calendar for Prince Albert’s future!

We are also proud to announce that shortly after the interview finished, Bonnie and the Bonnette’s invited Prince Albert’s Jester to participate in a cabaret night! All very exciting! Thanks for reading!

Nathan.

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andrewdburton · 5 years

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Depression and me

Long-time readers are aware that I've struggled with depression for most of my life.

Interesting note: It was after the second panic attack that my doctor strongly encouraged me to start drinking red wine. For real. Before that, I was a teetotaler.

A Sneaky Little, Sticky Bitch

The trouble? When I don't drink in the afternoon, I get more anxious.

The frustrating thing is that the depression and anxiety lead me to act like a completely different person.

Here are some ways this manifests itself:

Meanwhile, the depression is even worse. If you look at the symptoms of depression, I'm exhibiting every single one. Some of my symptoms are severe.

Fatigue? Have it.

Insomnia? You bet.

Feelings of guilt and worthlessness? Oh boy.

Irritability? Yes, and it's so not me. I'm not an irritable guy — but I am lately.

Loss of interest in things once pleasurable? Absolutely, and it's SO FRUSTRATING. Nothing appeals to me. I'm numb.

Trouble concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions? You have no idea. Everything is a chore.

A Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

In fact, yesterday was miserable. It might have been the worst day of my entire life.

Naturally, all of this makes me feel even more guilty and worthless and depressed. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm sure you can see how this would translate in an inability to get work done, both here at Get Rich Slowly and in my real life.

It's a problem.

Bringing Gratitude

Instead of canceling my lunch appointment with Karl today, I went. I'm glad I did.

As we sat down for lunch, I told Karl point blank about the issues I'm going through.

“I can totally relate,” he said, and he shared some of his own past struggles.

“You know,” I said, “my therapist has been urging me to try meditation. But I don't know how to start.”

Thank You

On my drive home, I put Karl's idea into practice. I took back roads. As I drove slowly through the countryside, I thought about all of the things that I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for Kim. She's a not just a wonderful partner in life, but she's a wonderful person. She's a good soul.

I'm thankful for my dog. Tahlequah is a handful (a pawful?), and I do get frustrated with her. But I'm also grateful to have such an enthusiastic hound dog in my life.

I'm thankful for my health. I haven't taken care of myself much lately, but that's on me. Generally speaking, my body is in fine shape. And with a little work, it could be in great shape once again.

I'm grateful for music. I don't mention it much, but music brings great joy to my life. I love music of all sorts. Taylor Swift, yes, but also U2 and Mozart and Styx and ABBA and Public Enemy.

I'm thankful for Portland. I love the green of it. I love its quirky die-hard (sometimes absurd) liberalism. I love the food scene and the Timbers and the passion for books. Speaking of which…

I'm grateful for words. Books bring me joy. So does writing. I've managed to make a living from my words, and I hope to continue doing so in the future.

I'm grateful for life.

It was awesome. It was just what I needed.

“I really do have a good life,” I thought after the dog and I were done chomping on each other. I went into the kitchen to put away the clean dishes. “I'm thankful for all of it.”

So, thank you. I mean it. Thank you for reading. Thank you for contributing. Thank you for everything.

Few and Far Between

“How fitting,” I thought. Some of the lyrics:

What's been going on with you?

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