#and theres so much of an overlap between the two identities

[syekick-powers]

the struggle as a queer+trans fantasy/sci-fi writer is that you want to represent queer and trans people in your stories and also mess with the frameworks of sex and gender and sexuality to call attention to the inherent ridiculosity of how our understanding of sex/gender/sexuality is constructed, but then once you've created this framework you realize that means that none of your characters would describe themselves in ways that are anywhere close to modern terms, which means that some people are going to be INCREDIBLY stupid about how they interpret your characters' queerness and/or transness.

[brella-boi]

Building Dango: Part 2

I actually finished this step a couple weeks ago but was too busy to post with con prep, so here it is now!

In this edition were getting the EVA foam together. I got a big ole cutting board before starting for about 7 quid so its easier to cut out the large shapes.

But first! Tracing.

We got ourselves the paper pattern to trace and slightly edit. Drop that sucker on the foam. And start cutting.

For the eyes I am planning to have them domed. Which means I got these googly eyes im going to deface to steal the plastic dome from.

Cutting the circle was honestly the most nerve-wracking part of this, and I did it in 4 segments just to be as careful as possible.

I wouldng exactly call cutting the EVA foam easy tbh. I was using mainly 10mm super high density foam as the base structure. That is to make sure that the base head is strong and isnt going to warp during movement. My exacto knife wasnt entirely... long enough to cut through it in one go, and I wouldnt say I was strong enough to do that even if it could lol. My arm and hand hurt afterwards, and theres some parts that came out a little crooked.

A lot of EVA sculptors cut their edges at an angle, and honestly, i was too scared to do that and mess up the angle with how *rough* cutting this already was. So I opted for just simple straight edges. I probably shouldve added some extra space here or there and thought about the fact this foam is 10mm thick. But oh well.

Whats important is its cut and we can move onto gluing.

Now we could use hot glue, or super glue. But the recommendation from Pros is Contact Cement. So thats what were gonna use.

Honestly this was pretty easy. You mark one side and swipe it down evenly with a scrap piece, you leave it to dry for like a minute or two, do the second piece where the first is gonna connect. Let that dry. Then put the two pieces together. Revolutionary shit im telling you. The bond is so damn strong too im shook.

Theres several parts I wasnt too happy about though. The top and longest piece wasnt long enough and ill need to compensate for it later. And some cuttings werent identical like I wanted. The biggest issue was the fact I didnt take into account the thickness of the foam overlapping at the jaw. So its. Well it doesnt exactly fit right now. But that will be fixed with sanding. A lot of sanding.

Youre probably looking and pointing at the black pieces of foam too. Thats 4mm low density foam. I wanted it for building details.

For the horn I ran into the problem of it possibly being heavy. And with its placement, it needs to be *light*. Initially I was going to use three pieces of 10mm high density foam. But that sucker weighed about 70 grams together. Thats. A lot. To be put on the tip of the mask.

You may be quick to suggest to carve out two pieces of low density foam as the horn, bend it, and make it hollow. And to that I say: im not experienced enough with eva foam to do that and also i dont want it to get crushed inside a luggage into a deflated Thing.

So i tried to weigh up the difference between the low and high density. And it turns out i can just use 2 pieces of low density foam that equal the size of the high density one, but it weights *half as much*. So instead i used high density as the core of the horn, surrounded by 4 pieces of low density. Which reduced the horn to about 40 grams! Yippe!!

And with it all put together... it is super blocky. And i am dreading figuring out how to sand it, and actually make it wearable.

[npcgrian]

theres something so much more personal and individual when it comes to gender identity and being transgender that you cant just observe a person's (a youtuber's) behavior and read them as transgender, even if only in regards of the character that theyre roleplaying, because even if you separate the character from the content creator, all of their actions are a reflection of them in the real world. its not the same practice as observing interactions and relationships and reading them as romantic because in real life theres so much of an overlap between platonic and romantic relationships that as long as youre being respectful to the creators behind the videos, its no big deal to say something someone did was gay or what have you. we all know theyre not really (except for the ones that are gay of course but we all know most of the popular ships are between two straight married men), and thats okay. as annoying as shipping culture can be in fandom spaces, thats just an expected thing to happen when something has a fanbase. its that simple

all they are is some people sitting at a computer roleplaying on a minecraft server. theyre not fully fleshed out characters, theyre not your ocs. theyre not trans coded. theyre just youtubers.

[mari-cherri]

HAPPY PRIDE!!

here’s some headcanons for you :)

[pinksthetics]

Flag anon back, that might be true about problems between bisexuals and pansexuals (and I know that’s not limited to non binary people, but also binary trans people based on what my bi friends tell me and what my trans friends have been told), but that’s not stated at all in the post? And OP was very clear that they could make a post specific to bi issues in the notes, but this still happened anyway. To me this felt like a real “all lives matter” moment and if I was good at image editing I’d be slapping that prison stripe straight pride flag onto this because I basically get the same thing out of either. Feels like an issue important to me brought up on a post about people like me is now about infighting within the “B” umbrella without even saying the word pansexual? I’m sorry it’s just frustrating because I know this week someone will be telling me that I can’t be a lesbian if I’m attracted to non binary people, but hey did you know that bisexuality means you can pick two genders (that’s where the bi comes from!) and you can pick non binary and women! That is the plot to literal conversations that I have had with people. Totally fair that pansexuals don’t have a claim to non binary people, but OP was telling people in the notes to stop making it about bi people - bisexuals weren’t excluded to be mean, they were excluded because people tend to be far more close minded about “homosexuals” and who they can be attracted to. Again I’m sorry, I’m just tired of having my identity policed and I’m frustrated and partly taking it out on you. People keep telling me and my trans friends that “bisexuality is the only moral sexuality” and that “the only people who could love a trans person are bisexual” so there’s a lot of real life harmful messaging there 😔

ok putting ur next ask and my response under the read more bc this got rly long 

Flag anon again, okay I think I just needed to kind of yell that out into the empty void that is the internet. Sorry to have made you the victim of that dump, but I guess all of the things have been telling me and my repressed feelings have been swirling around for a while. Just to be clear I fully have nothing against bisexuals as people (the majority of my irl friends are bisexual and are thankfully super nice apart from the odd micro aggressive comment). It just rubbed me the wrong way that I get hateful messaging from some people in the bisexual (not pansexual) community specifically and I felt like the original post might be something that those bisexual people might see and maybe introspect on their attitudes, but with the addition I feel like all of that is lost in them fighting an invisible unnamed enemy. Either way, I guess I have some trauma and this post set me off a bit so I’m sorry again! I just hope people will remember the original point of the post above all else because there are a lot of posts I’ve seen about bisexual and pansexual issues related to non binary people, but there are far less for lesbians and gay men sadly 😔

ok i understand what you’re saying and i see that op doesnt want people to derail the discussion from talking specifically about gay and lesbian people but the original post did say “every sexuality” and i feel like at this point you’re talking about issues beyond just the point of this post. you’re completely valid as a lesbian for being attracted to trans and nonbinary people but it doesnt sit right with me that you have this much frustration towards bi people, whether you realize it or not. 

the addition to the post really did not have any harmful messages as far as i see it, so it seems like your frustration stems from things that other people have said to you. im sorry that people have disrespected and invalidated you. however, the bi community is not “fighting an invisible unnamed enemy.” bi people face just as much invalidation and i recommend you look into that and try to understand it. there really needs to be solidarity between the gay and bi communities because, while we each face our own issues, theres a lot of overlap. 

once again, i completely understand that the original post was specific to gay and lesbian people. its not uncommon for people to add to posts and take away focus from where it should be. if you look in the notes of any posts you’re bound to find some upsetting comments. the important thing is that you have the choice to just reblog the original or even make your own post. 

i really hope you can speak with your friends about how hurtful their comments can be if they are saying things that come off as micro aggressions. and i hope you can find peace in solidarity throughout the lgbt community because honestly its counterproductive to create issues between communities. we all need a space to talk about the problems we face and we should all be supporting each other through it 

[bolbianddolanhouse]

Book 3 FAQ!

Need to catch up? Heres all the previous FAQs 1 * 2 Heres the master post of all three books 1 * 2 * 3

Wow...you would think that with the whole pandemic that I’d get these chapters out faster. But alas this year got the best of me too. I’ve been a lil vulnerable in the tags with y’all and the check-in messages really touched me. So thank you very much to everyone that has checked up on me and enjoyed the chapters! I appreciate all of you :3 So lets roll out the questions!

Q: Who is Iwata based off? A: Iwata is based off my self-insert, which is also me. I know that sounds a lil narcissistic but it’s that real life reference that you’re a spitting image of your parent. Iwata was designed to look and act very similar to his mother based off that. What made him a little more original and not a copy of my self-insert is the tropes I added. I mirrored the trope of that of the relationship between Steven and his mom in Steven Universe; where he adored, then hated but then came to terms that he is not his mom but someone better. A whole journey of self-discovery and self-worth.

Q: The representation is amazing! How did you come up with these queer characters? A: Glad you liked them! Like I’ve said in previous FAQs and in the tags, all these characters were dreamt and I just build upon them in writing. So yes, most of my characters were created queer in my dreams but I make them more in depth by setting up how they discovered they’re queer. I did a bit of research on coming out stories and self-discovery epiphanies to have these characters more relatable so a fellow queer reader feels seen in a way. There’s already too much hetero works out there, I just want to gay it up in a respectful way. 

Q: The culture mixing is really good and consistent, how do you do it? A: For starters, I am latina. But the culture mixing stems from my knowledge about other cultures through language. I’ve been studying Japanese for almost a decade now and Chinese for about 4 years, so it’s no surprise that I’m referencing them in my work. Maybe what I depict isn’t what other half-Japanese half-Latinx families do, but it’s what I’d do if I started such a family. Plus there’s some overlap within those cultures and it makes it easy to put into writing.

Q: So. much. drama! Why is this book more dramatic than the previous two? A: Book 3 is were main on-going plot gets picked up more and shows signs of resolution. In book 2, it was to focus on not only Lili and the family dynamic but to remind the reader that life moved on with little resolve for the self-insert character. Iwata has a HUGE role in the resolution but in his own special way. And I’m not saying the answer is love...but it’s leaning there. 

Q: You reference specific food and snacks in this AU/ what are your favorite Cheetos? A: Like I said, I’m latina! Of course I write in the food of my home culture. Mainly the home cooked meals my mom would make for me and my siblings. It might not seem like much to the reader, but those simple meals add to the narrative of being home and traditions that help them embrace their mixed heritage. The reference of Cheetos are all over this AU because they’re my favorite hot chip. Naturally, my favorite Cheetos are the Hot con Límon with chamoy. 

Q: Love that there’s no canon character deaths in this book so far, but are there any major deaths planned? A: Just one but it’s not a tragic, hero fallen type death. It’s a natural death but it’s gonna be a tear jerker. That death won’t come until the WAY end of this AU, so I’m not gonna spoil anything yet.

Q: Can’t believe you predicted Dabi’s true identity. A: It was obvious tho. I didn’t really predict anything canon if you’re an anime only for BNHA. In this AU (without spoiling too much) there’s no Endeavor redemption and Dabi doesn’t cause that big drama on live TV. So if you’re an Endeavor hater like me, you’re gonna love what I have in store for them in the next book!

Q: I love Tenya being a dad and loving husband in this AU! Will we see more dad moments? A: Glad you like those snippets of dad Tenya! I love writing them for my own indulgence since there isn’t enough love for this character in the fandom. Plus I see a whole lot of consistent readers are Iida-stans and that makes me want to write more married fluff whenever I can.

Q: Beizu is best boi/Who is Beizu based off of? A: Beizu is the genius trope in this book. I made his character a more chill version of his mom but with that ‘who is my dad’ trope. Beizu is part of a trio that’s to mirror the agent trio of Ita, Jin and Mimi. The third member is yet to be revealed but they’re a BIG plot device in the coming book. But Beizu is one of my favorite OCs, maybe I’ll do a ranking of my OCs when everyone is introduced. 

Q: The villains and Hawks plot has me SHOOK! What’s going to happen to hero society when this case gets solved? A: Without spoiling it, the truth is going to expose the corrupt higher ups in hero society. The kids in the household has a part in taking down hero society as well but in their own, special way. Iwata has the biggest part in closing the case (but it’s spoiler if I say how), Lili and twins help tearing down minor things like education systems and laws. I will say though, the case gets resolved after the trio retires because Ita gets to return to America and found an heir to the company before they could draw to a conclusion. Which is a happy ending at the end of the storyline, no major deaths!

Q: Confirmed weddings? A: Yes :) because Lili and Iwata deserve good things and love. The twins have it easy in the coming book. Lili’s comes first and Iwata’s comes later than expected (can’t say why yet, gotta keep reading :3). I guess I can say that all of them get married but Lili’s and Iwata’s are the only queer ones. All the spouses that marry into the family take the Iida name, so Lili and Hanaka don’t change family names when they get married! Y’all already know those wedding chapters are gonna be lavish and take up most of the chapter, you’ll love them.

Q: But are the kids Joji stans? A: Oh jeez...they are the same way we like 80′s music. It’s pleasant to listen to but kinda cringe when you see your parents dance to it. I don’t really portray it, but the family digital library has all of Joji’s music in a playlist called ‘Sad hours Soundtrack’. If you ask Mr Muffins 2.0 who last listened to the playlist, they’ll snitch who and how many times it has been looped. That’s how Tenya knows who needs cheering up.

Q: I love the little references to their childhood, what else can you tell us about their pre-book childhood? A: As I said a few times in the tags, I cut a ton of stuff that isn’t relevant to the plot. Most of it was their childhood and how they manifested their quirks. Lili really liked to scream before she learned to talk, a very fast learner and at 3 years old got her engine quirk and later that year showed signs of a second quirk. Iwata was very quiet child, hardly cried or gets upset but latched on to mom a lot. His first words were in Spanish but struggled a bit with Japanese before entering kinder. Tensei was born first, then Hanaka followed 10 minutes later. Hanaka’s fire quirk manifested after the first breast feeding when she was getting burped by mom in the hospital. Mom likes to believe Tensei came out first to warn everybody that Hanaka can breathe fire. Tensei didn’t manifest his metal quirk until the age of 7, making him a very late bloomer. Though very different in personalities, Hanaka and Tensei get along and get very creative when it’s playtime. Up until the age of 5, mom would place Hanaka in kindling to get the BBQ grill or bonfire started. Hanaka has been known to randomly burst into flames as a baby, so Tensei had to sleep in a different crib for his safety. Tensei spent more time reading as a child because everyone was focused on managing Hanaka’s flames, thus making him a very studious boy.

Q: Not an AU question, but how are you doing?/ We don’t mind waiting for the chapters! Please take your time. A: I’ve been getting check ins and validation in my asks for the inconsistent schedule. Too many things came at me this year, both good and bad. I was doing well in speech and debate that I went to nationals and prepared myself for some serious competition, leaving no time to do chapters. Then I fell in and out of depressive episodes during lockdown where I’m from. In the summer my grandmother passed away from the virus in Mexico, then my beloved dog Mr Muffins passed away of old age. Those deaths hurt me and my family the most that I was having a hard time trying to cope plus trying to be responsible by adhering to CDC guidelines (I’m in the immune-comprised group). In my want to get over my grief, I trained and received my certificate in ordained ministry (yea I know that’s not the best first step, but I just needed to feel like I’ve achieved something being cooped up at home). I’ve very grateful that theres some readers that see the tags and check up on me. All your kind words gives me a little strength to write and finish every chapter at my pace.

Q: More art please? A: Yes :3 I have one coming up real soon! After the end of this book is where I’ll be releasing some art as a sort of place holder.

Q: Is the the estate drama eluding to the ending? A: Yup! And it will show up every now and then in the next book.

Q: This is a really good self insert AU! There’s complexity to your character and others...how do you write these interactions/relationships really close to actual ones? A: Thanks for the complement :3 When I first started this AU, I was in the middle of my semester of a creative writing course. Near the end of book 2 was when I finished the course work for it and by then you could see the progression in writing. ALSO, I’m a communications major as well! Writing these relationships and other social things were things that I remembered learning in my interpersonal communications class. I was a bit on fence on whether or not to start this AU because I didn’t think my writing skill was at all that good. With some encouragement from my classmates and friends, I pushed myself to write this whole AU out. I don’t plan on stopping until I finish the storyline, plus I hate leaving things unfinished.

And that wraps up this FAQ! Hopefully I got everyone’s questions since most were check-ins for me. But expect the last chapter for book 3 in the next few days. After Book 3, I’m going on a lil hiatus until the end of February. I have so many life events happening in the upcoming weeks that I’m gonna need time to recharge before resuming this AU. Y’all know I bounce back as promised, in the meantime, I have some art things queued to remind y’all that Book 4 is in the works. Only 2 more books to go! Thanks again for reading and I’ll talk you y’all again later in the tags~

-Love, Palma-sama

P.S. Heres the end of Book 3 for your connivence :3 other links are at the top of this post! 

[springfieldblues]

it seems like hank azaria is officially stepping down as apu’s voice

which i personally think is a step in the right direction. ive always been of the belief that apu can definitely be improved without getting rid of the character. cancelling apu as a whole seems a little extreme, and the damage is unfortunately already done. the show couldve taken action a lot earlier than 30 years in, but i digress. i wanted to talk about apu for a sec. i am not indian, so forgive me if its not my place. but i wanted to share my thoughts as a non-american poc with a lot of exposure to american culture.

recently i watched a season 27 episode id never seen before called Much Apu About Something where apu’s millennial and very americanized nephew, jay (voiced by desi actor utkarsh ambudkar) calls him out on his stereotypical demeanor and is even embarrassed of him. i thought it was actually a very interesting episode for two reasons: 1. the people who work on the show are definitely aware that theres a problem with apu’s portrayal, and this was before hari kondabolu’s documentary even came out. and 2. the clash between first-generation immigrants and second-generation immigrants is definitely a real thing and they tackled that with the character that probably needed it the most.

HOWEVER. that doesnt mean it was great because boy was this episode witten by a boomer. while he constantly criticizes apu for being a cliched stereotype (kind of cruelly might i add), jay himself is quite the stereotypical millennial, which ends up being his downfall by the end of the episode (he turned the kwik-e-mart into an organic food store and all the food ended up violently rotting once the power was turned off for 30 seconds)

“another failed millennial. who is a cliche now?”

they DO apologize to each other in the end though, ill give them that.

but i still dont know what point the episode was trying to make here. could be “these two generations arent so different after all” or “cultural identity =/= stereotypes, though they might overlap” or “americanized second-generation immigrants tend to shun their own culture and favor american culture as the correct way to be” or even simply just “silence, millennial”

im not a second-generation immigrant, i dont even live in the US. but i do spend a lot of time on the internet, speaking english, surrounded by american culture, media, people and news. my mom always jokes with ‘its like you live there instead of here.’ while my family is pretty lax about our own culture and traditions, theres definitely a big difference between them and me and what i value vs what they value. im not ashamed of my own culture, in fact i love it, but i could still relate to the situation in this episode to a degree.

this post is getting long so to wrap this up: if they get a writer who really understands the issues with apu’s portrayal, i do believe they can turn it around and make something legitimately good with his character. even if the damage is already done, its still not too late to make up for it. and they better do it ASAP, because the relevancy of the show is on the decline and the whole point is to make a change while people still care. i appreciate hank’s decision to step down but like i said this is only one step. hopefully theyll take more steps forward.

[michaelmilkers]

ok since people are all about scene revival now i want to remind everyone that scene and emo are NOT the same thing and are NOT interchangeable

emo is short for emotional, because there is an emphasis on emotional expression. depression and misanthropy and all that edgy shit. its essentially punk but more angsty, sort of a counterculture to the idea of a perfect happy nuclear family you see on christmas cards. at a glance emos can be confused with punks because there is a lot of overlap and someone might even be both, it depends on what the person calls themselves.

scene developed from emo subculture and is more closely associated with deathcore music. the main difference between scene and emo is the presence of a lot of bright colors in scene fashion. emo fashion features mostly black white and red, while scene fashion is usually black paired with neon colors such as pink, green, purple, and orange. scene is more about loudness and vibrancy than emo is, and doesnt have as much of an emotional/angst-based origin.

obviously both subcultures and fashions have evolved with the times and are not identical to what an emo or scene kid in 2008 would look like.

some examples of modern emo/scene!

emo! (oh shit thats me lol he/him sorry for the lq selfie)

emo! (tumblr user @jasminnows)

emo! (tumblr user @ozusai, she/her)

scene! (tumblr user @fakedsuicide)

scene! (tumblr user @nescafes)

scene! (tumblr user @0opsy)

as you can see theres lots of variation of both but they are two different things and shouldnt be used interchangeably! but theyre both really fun and cool and im not saying by any means that you need to have certain clothes or hair in order to be one or the other or both bc i know not everyone has access to stuff the important thing is you have fun! this is just so the uninitiated know the distinction bc scene and emo tags on tumblr are a fucking mess of just literally anything alternative

p.s. i thought it would be fun to give shout outs to some cool looking people here on tumblr but if anyone wants their pic removed from this post hmu

p.p.s if anyone says that this is stupid or doesnt matter or this is a dumb hill to die on i will literally cry just let me blab

[posi-pan]

if gender is a spectrum how is bi being attracted to two genders? shouldnt then trisexuality and on be a thing? to my mind bi and pan are virtually the same. i identify as bi myself and i always thought of it more not as being attracted to genders but to sexes, as in idc whats in your pants, im just attracted to you as a person. i have a lesbian friend for instance who says she wouldnt wanna have sex with a pretransition trans woman bc shes not into dick and i think thats valid? idk

i just dont wanna fall into the rhetoric of pan ppl wanting make themselves feel special by saying theyre inclusive etc but i feel theres not much difference between the two?

i feel like i need to do some queer history research and maybe come back and rectify some of my asks but im rather busy rn so sorry!

these two posts go into this in detail

https://posi-pan.tumblr.com/post/180763774502/pan-and-bi-definition-and-explanation-psa

https://posi-pan.tumblr.com/post/178898021117/seeing-an-uptick-in-the-pan-vs-bi-shit-lately-so

but simply put, bi is attraction to two or more genders. pan is attraction to all genders. (ply and omni are identities too but i’m not getting into those right now) it’s not about inclusivity or genitals or sex. there’s overlap, but they aren’t the same. this is historically a fact, whether people understand and truly grasp it or not.

however you personally experience your attraction and how you relate to and understand your label is always valid. but that doesn’t mean other labels are redundant or inherently, universally the same. it doesn’t mean every person of the same identity/label as you feels the same way you do and experiences attraction in the same way you do. because we’re all different.

i’m going to be honest and say that i’m a little annoyed. i’m sorry if you meant no harm by these messages and were just trying to work through your understanding, and i know you said you’re too busy to do research, but you could’ve googled or even scrolled my blog for a couple minutes.

i have a page of basic information on pan and a navigation page full of tags that are full of pages that are full of posts with information and questions answered and it’s just frustrating when people treat this blog as nothing more than a place to spit out questions and word vomit ignorance and confusion without even scrolling through the years of information that is readily available (and organized!) and i’m expected to politely walk people through it.

i feel like i’m unleashing all my frustration onto you personally, but it isn’t specific to you. i’m sorry for being a bit short and i truly hope you find a better understanding of pan and bi, whether or not from this response, the two posts i linked, or my blog in general.

[barbwiredheartx]

So i had my appointment today with the nurse who conducted the trauma- and dissociative disorder diagnostic test. Week ago i requested bea or skye or someone with the capacity to handle the bad news to front, but the two are missing in action, instead two days ago i got bri. I got a nervous stomach walking toward the hospital and asked my love to help, he sifted in and my stomach settled. Bri's got a clear head on her shoulders, easy to think smart things etc. She was conversing with b at home in the morning about drawing out how we perceive our body, our consciousness, our awareness and how that interacts and combines with the world, simple visual presentation of biology and the interactive mind and the world, we think, but who knows.

Once we got to the nurse however bri was soupy with a masculine presence cuz thats our norm - our boys handle things that require emotional detachment (we did get shaky however), i also think its impossible for us to meet professional people without a mask on, it's difficult enough to meet regular people, just like the conditioned mask of a perfect flawless witness child representating an Elders family, at least on the surface interactions. Smile, deny yourself, be kind and polite.

I was reminded about me telling them about a, to quote my friend "classic co-consciousness example" and yet, this nurse had no idea what i was talking about. If to wake up as another person, feeling them, their sex, their body shape and their emotions perfectly overlapping with your sense of the physical body and you walk differently, sit on the damn toilet differently and question wtf is this, is me somehow consciously creating an identity then i dont fucking know.

Or waking up in 2014 as a woman, confused, aware of the time passed as we have a frontal memory that everyone at the front has access to, and feeling like i woke up from a fucking coma? Is me consciously creating alters, then i dont fucking know. Or going to the store, paying my groceries, coming home and the next day i have no idea why i have ten euro bill still in my wallet and remembering i walked home without the cat litter bag, yet walking to the kitchen and looking at a cat litter bag having no idea why or how i have it there bc i sure didnt buy it. And i still have no idea where the dish brush came from the other christmas. I threw them all into the trash, went to the store bought a regular dish brush to replace the old ones with the last coins i had. And two days later, theres two dish brushes hanging off the dish rack, one regular and one with a brush head you can switch. If this isnt amnesia between switches, i dont know what it is.

If having main control of the body without partial control of the body (leg moving without my control over it, the body turning around without my control of it, arms moving without my explicit control of it) isn't telling of something being strange and out of the ordinary here, i really dont know what it is. Maybe i am possessed by demons like the pastor wanted to convince me. What other explanation is there?

Is it because i dont know most of my visitors? That i dont know enough detail about my visitors? That we are most of the time blurry about who we are? Including our non-human alters. Does our abuse in our childhood and our lack of most trauma memories somehow invalidate our alternative identity states as fiction? Not all of my visitors are "new" heck, i am myself not who we were before 2006-2010. But when Joshua's subsystem members come close to front, i recognize who they split off of, same with the Jo's. Is it the lack of names? Is me wanting to name my parts for the sake of communication somehow invalidating of who we are as a person?

I'm full of ghosts. Come from a strict religion and badly dysfunctional family that was hellbent on changing who i was into something more acceptable and proper.

I really cant tell you how much amnesia there is in our daily life because i exist and live alone with myself, there is no one i see regularly enough who could talk to me about something we did or talked about so i could go and notice oh fuck, i have no idea what youre talking about. I cant tell you what personal information ive forgotten because if i have forgotten it, i dont fucking remember it?? Other than trauma indicators without memories of anything happening that could explain my reactions in certain areas of life. Plus, like i said, i live alone, so what i experience adversely, is rather quite fucking limited. Its rather fucking simple and logical why i cant answer some of the questions.

I went through trauma that caused first extreme relief of "oh ive found my soulmate, hes safe, i can be fully myself as a woman" into extreme and visceral rejection of her. So first i lost my male alter and right after, jojo went hiding. Then fast forward six years im put on a medication that wipes my entire remaining sense of self clean and causes other side affects that affect me badly. And you wanna tell me, me having a disordered panic attack to a stranger verbally abusing one our younger kids somehow caused me to intentionally create identities instead of it bringing out a sect of a system so we can stabilize ourself? Cuz we can only rely on ourself to do that. There is no help any fucking else where.

[ninjakitty15]

Chapter 4: Like Death Warmed Over (Loki x OFC Pairing)

"Supernatural ended?! What the actual fuck?! Why?!" I exclaimed while catching up on the shows I missed in the five year absence. "That show was supposed to go till I die...again! My life is over!" I curled up on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest and burying my head in my arms.

"It was quite an entertaining show," Loki agreed, having grown curious early on in my catching up what I was bitching about missing so much. "Is any of it true? The monsters and the ways to kill them?"

"I only know about ghosts and spirits and most kinds of salt does act as a ward against them, rock salt especially. As I don't get rid them by force but by coercion if anything, I don't know if burning the bodies or pieces of the body left would send them away. Not about to try either."

"And the other monsters of legends in there, do they exist?"

"Almost every culture has their monsters on this planet, some overlapping between werewolves and vampires, I wouldn't be surprised if they do but I've not personally seen any beyond my area of expertise. Not my problem."

"What about angels and demons?"

"Those two are a bit different as they were primarily created by only one such religion, and a shady one at that, people somehow have different ideas of what those are. There have been cases of demonic possession in the past but its not like in the show where they're black smoke forcing themselves into your mouth, you don't see it happening, it just happens. Angels on the other hand...bit more complicated, ancient literature depicts them as benevolent  guardians of God to carry out his will and guide us lowly humans. Modern media however depicts the majority of them as dicks with an agenda of their own that doesn't involve helping us at all."

"What do you believe then?"

"I have no one religion to believe considering I'm talking to a god right now and was given more power from beings that claim they're gods as well, everyone  wants to be king of the mountain."

"And what do you want?"

"A cottage by the shores of Salem, where death and dark magic is strong but not shunned and the weird are welcomed more than the mundane."

"That place sounds intriguing, tell me more about it."

"Centuries ago when my ancestors first settled, people were even more religious nuts than they are now and they were crazy superstitious. They were also just plain crazy and got the idea of obtaining other people's land and property by accusing the owners of being evil witches after watching their daughters dabble in a bit of voodoo magic with their slaves. That's when the infamous Salem Witch Trials started which was a horrific dark mark in this country's history. Hundreds of innocent lives were ended as women and children and even the occasional man was accused, tortured, and locked away for life or executed horrifically."

"And you wish to live there?" he asked incredulously.

"There might be some unrest still from the victims and I want them to be at peace. Also, while the history of the place was terrible to say the least, it has become a bit more whimsical and touristy which I usually hate but they make it so fun there. You might even like it yourself if you ever wanna visit, assuming Tony lets me off the leash and I'm not stuck living here forever. Nowadays its a place that celebrates and capitalizes on magic."

"What if I were to convince Tony to let us have a day trip to there?"

"You'd do that?"

"Why not?"

I shrugged but smiled at the idea. "I'd say you're living up to the nickname Silvertongue."

"Oh that's not the only reason I'm called that," he purred into my ear.

I'm pretty sure if I could still bring color to my skin, I'd have the slightest blush of excitement from his voice alone let alone the suggestion. "Promises promises."

"Tell me something, you say you're dead inside and only the necromancy itself keeps you going, but do you still feel or are your nerves dead too."

"I don't think I'd wanna be alive if I couldn't feel or taste things so yes intense pain and strong levels of pleasure, kinda like a succubus I guess, pleasure keeps me alive, reminds me I'm still kicking." I paused then, trying to read if he was just gonna dump naughty images in my head or actually follow through. I do something totally impulsive then and rest my head on his lap, reaching up and touching the razorsharp jawbones of a god. Though he's cool to the touch, the second I come in contact with him I feel alive again.

"Do you miss being completely alive?" he asked, seeing the sudden but fleeting change from my touch.

"I'm not sure, the life I had before the change was almost complete hell from what I remember and I'm not one of those protagonists that wishes they could just be normal again, I like being what I am. I'd probably have died for real at Hydra, always finding new methods to get the same result of me not doing anything, I think a normal human would've died from the pain or blood loss then."

"That would make you an immortal, staying alive when you should be long dead, unaffected."

I shrugged. "I am what I am. Doubt I'm immortal though, a blade through the heart might not work but most creatures are killed by beheading including zombies which apparently Stark thinks I am. Jokes on him though, I don't eat brains, that's the least appetizing part of the body."

"You know from experience, do you?" he asked in bemusement. "Is it the heart then?"

I wrinkled my nose at this, recalling a certain show where a horse heart was devoured raw. "Have you ever eaten a muscle? It's like eating a wet squishy piece of leather, your jaw starts to ache after a few bites of a chewy chunk. Everyone assumes its the heart or brains thats best because we think since thats our best quality alive, it should be that in a meal." My hand slid from his face to his heart then though was blocked by his green asgardian leisure robes so the feeling of being alive was a bit lost though I still wanted to feel his heart, so many people seemed to think he didn't have one. I wondered if I could survive pulling his lifeforce from him, not that I'd want to of course when just touching him gave me a taste of life, but an immortal with immense power meant he wouldn't be dead for a while and that meant he was a potential atomic bomb in my hands. I was quiet for once, feeling his heartbeat, his power under my hand, so many different thoughts between naughty and dangerous running through my head then. I could feel him watch me just as quiet as I was, ever the curious god observing his new catch.

"What are you thinking that's stayed your tongue suddenly?" he asked me then.

I smirked. "I'm wondering what true power tastes like."

"Lean up and find out," he challenged smoothly.

Both my eyebrows popped up then, usually when people find out I'm a walking magical corpse they're instantly turned off due to that pesky little thing called necrophilia. I didn't need to be told twice though and did just that, our lips connecting softly. The second it did, my entire body warmed and tingled back to life, causing me to moan into the kiss in the rush of long missed feeling I didn't want to end. What started out as a tasting, testing the waters kiss quickly became one of lust and hunger he was matching just as greedily. I pushed myself up to get even closer to him and his hands snaked around my hips without breaking the kiss. Of course something had to at least give Loki some air to breathe and it was a soft thump coming outside the room followed closely by, "Mr. Stark, are you here?"

We pulled away reluctantly, allowing Loki to catch his breath and me to lose mine returning to my current corpse form. "You'll be the life of me, Loki," I mused. "Did a kid just interrupt this?"

"That must be the Spiderling then," loki replied, waiting for me to get off him before getting off the couch and offering me his hand once more.

I took it curiously and followed him out of the living to where a teenager was looking around wearing a high tech spider themed suit that looked like an offshoot of Deadpool's suit though the mask part was pulled off. He's cute though a bit young. "That has Stark written all over it."

The kid whirled around as his back had been turned to us watching him look for his sugar daddy. "Hi Loki, who are you?"

"Who am I? Who are you?" I countered. "I was here first."

"I'm Spider Parker- I mean Peter Man," he stumbled in answer. "Dammit."

I couldn't hide the laughter at his failed attempt to cover one if not both identities and looked over at Loki who was smirking just the same. "Isn't he just precious?"

"I think you caught him by surprise, not an easy feat as he claims he has a sixth sense for that sort of thing," Loki commented.

I shrugged. "Occupational hazard. Tony's not here right now, but if you'd like to leave a message you can do so elsewhere."

Peter as I guessed his actual name was scowled at me and appeared to get in a defensive stance but once more we were interrupted by something entering the building followed by. "Loki, you guys here?"

"Maybe," I called back.

Tony walked into the room we were all standing in and grinned seeing Peter there as well. "Hey kid, what brings you here?"

"Mr. Stark, I heard rumors theres a horde of zombies at the hydra base and wanted to help," Peter replied quickly.

It was my turn to frown then. "So much for keeping that under wraps, I'm blaming you on this, Stark. You just had to know, didn't you?"

"Me? I'm pretty sure you volunteered as you hate them as much as we do."

"I was hoping you'd handle most of it, you're the Avengers after all, but once more a woman has to clean up a mess made by lousy men."

"You know her, Mr. Stark?" squeaked Peter between the bickering.

"We found her in the second to last base we raided, well Loki did anyway," explained Tony. "I let you into my compound as a guest I know almost nothing about and this is how you thank me."

"You could've just let me go back to where I was before I got caught but noooo, you had to know why I was there."

"She's got a point there, Stark," Loki noted.

"Who's side are you on?" he demanded.

"Hers, clearly. I thought that much was obvious as I'm standing right next to her this whole time."

Tony rolled his eyes but returned his attention to Peter. "Don't worry about it, kid. The zombies don't work for Hydra."

"They don't?" he asked in disbelief.

"They work for me," I chirped. "Well not worked so much as follow since its free of charge and labor."

"You? What are you, the Night Queen?" Peter asked.

Tony chuckled at the reference. My eyes went snow white then and I gave him a look that matched the lead wight walker. "Winter is coming," I told him in a hollow voice.

"M-Mr. Stark, I don't think it's a good idea to have her on the team," Peter told him quietly.

"Are you questioning my judgment, kid?"

"No, sir."

"Good, because she's staying here."

"Actually," I interjected. "I have a request on that note."

Tony turned back to me then with an arched eyebrow. "You're not moving out till I can fully trust you."

"She wants to go on a field trip with me somewhere, just for a day," Loki spoke up.

Tony crossed his arms and looked expectantly at the god. "Where?"

"Only the most magical place in the east coast," I answered.

"Disneyworld?" Peter asked hopefully.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Hell no, that's the most nauseating place in the east coast. So full of families with kids they can't hope to control, and all that noise noise noise. That place ain't magical, it's mechanical and made of money and memories. No, this place isn't in the south and doesn't require commercial airlines to get there."

"Hm, well you proved you can handle yourself on the battlefield and Loki will be with you on this trip but as I still don't trust him completely we'll have someone else with you two to make sure you don't get into too much trouble," Tony stated. "Clint will go with you as he's the only one free at the moment and wasn't fighting off hydra like the rest of us did. Family outting or whatever at his farm."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yup, don't make me regret it either or you'll be on a tighter leash than Loki is."

"Oooh a leash, kinky, what's the safe word?"

"Bananas," he quipped right back, making me cackle before I thanked him for letting have some fun on my own.

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

The House of Representatives is on the brink of making President Trump the third president in U.S. history to be impeached. It will likely be a deeply divided vote, too, as no Republicans voted in favor of either of the two articles of impeachment approved by the House Judiciary Committee last week.

This is perhaps unsurprising considering the country is also deeply divided on this question. In our impeachment polling tracker, 47 percent of Americans say they support impeachment and 47 percent are opposed. This stalemate is also captured in the latest installment of our survey with Ipsos, which uses Ipsos’s KnowledgePanel to repeatedly poll the same group of respondents over time. Public opinion on whether Trump committed an impeachable offense is essentially unchanged since the impeachment hearings started: 57 percent of Americans now think he committed an impeachable offense, compared with 56 percent in mid-November.

That said, our poll did find that a majority of Americans (54 percent in both cases) think there’s sufficient evidence to impeach Trump over his conduct on Ukraine and his refusal to cooperate with Congress in the impeachment inquiry. Those issues are at the heart of the articles of impeachment the House will soon be voting on; Trump is charged with abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. However, there is still a significant chunk of voters in our survey — 10 percent of respondents overall and 12 percent of Democrats — who think Trump committed an impeachable offense but say his fate should be decided by voters in the 2020 election rather than by Congress.1

What most Americans think is impeachable

Just after the House Judiciary Committee drew up and voted on its two articles of impeachment, we asked respondents in our survey if there was enough evidence to impeach Trump based on:

His actions regarding Ukraine.

His actions regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election as described in special counsel Robert Mueller’s report.

His refusal to comply with the impeachment inquiry and efforts to block witnesses from complying with subpoenas.

His financial conflicts of interest.

Although a majority of Americans think there’s enough evidence to impeach Trump over his actions regarding Ukraine and his refusal to cooperate with the impeachment inquiry, a majority of respondents said they didn’t think there was enough evidence to support impeachment based on Trump’s actions as described in the Mueller report, or his financial conflicts of interest.

What do Americans think is impeachable?

Responses to the question “Based on what you’ve read and heard, do you think there is enough evidence to impeach President Trump on the following matters?” by party in a FiveThirtyEight/Ipsos poll

Share who said “yes” matter All Democrats Republicans Refusal to cooperate with impeachment inquiry and efforts to block witnesses from complying with subpoenas 54.3% 86.1% 17.4% Actions regarding Ukraine 53.6 85.6 16.5 Financial conflicts of interest 44.4 72.1 12.5 Russian interference in 2016 election as outlined in the Mueller report 42.7 69.5 11.6

From a poll with 1588 respondents, conducted from Dec. 13 to Dec. 16.

In other words, it may have been a smart move for Democrats to focus narrowly on Trump’s behavior regarding Ukraine, rather than casting a wider net that included evidence from the Mueller report or their own investigations of Trump’s finances.

However, perhaps predictably, there is a wide partisan divide on whether there’s sufficient evidence to impeach Trump on these charges. Majorities of Democrats think there is enough evidence to impeach Trump on all charges, including his conduct related to the Mueller report and his financial conflicts of interest, while majorities of Republicans think there isn’t evidence to support impeaching him on any of the actions we asked about.

Public opinion hasn’t really shifted

As we reinterview respondents in each new wave of our survey, we’ve also been looking for any changes in whether respondents think key events Democrats have focused on in the impeachment inquiry occurred, or whether respondents would consider those actions inappropriate or impeachable. In the latest wave of our survey, however, we found that despite a month of public hearings in two different House committees, there’s been very little change in opinion. Most Americans continue to believe that Trump did ask Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden and his son Hunter — and majorities even agree that Trump withheld military aid to pressure the Ukrainians into opening the investigation, and that he tried to cover up his actions regarding Ukraine. Public opinion is more divided on whether these actions are impeachable, although a majority of all respondents say that Trump withholding aid or covering up his actions on Ukraine would be impeachable.

Why have Americans’ perspectives on impeachment been so consistent? It’s likely because, as we noted in November, the people who say they’re less certain of whether Trump committed an impeachable offense are also less likely to be paying close attention to the proceedings. And we found in the second wave of our survey that while a majority (58 percent) of people said the hearings did affect their thinking about impeachment, almost all of those people simply became more convinced of their original opinion — suggesting that it will be increasingly difficult to change the minds of people tuning in at this stage.

There also wasn’t much of a shift on what respondents said should happen to Trump after the impeachment process is over. In our most recent survey, just under half (49 percent) of Americans think he should be impeached by the House and removed by the Senate, while a nearly identical share (48 percent) think his fate should be decided by voters in the 2020 election. In the previous round of the survey, by comparison, 51 percent of respondents said Trump’s fate should be decided in the 2020 election, while 47 percent said he should be impeached by the House and removed by the Senate. That does mean a few more respondents are supporting impeachment and removal now, but the shift also fell within the poll’s margin of error, so it’s hard to know whether there was an actual change of opinion.

How Americans feel about the process

So if the impeachment hearings haven’t really changed Americans’ minds, what do people think about the way the process has unfolded so far? In our most recent survey, we tried to dig into how Americans feel about the inquiry by asking them to give us three words or phrases they associate with the impeachment process.

“Waste” was the single most common word mentioned in response.2 In all, 165 people — about 10 percent of respondents — mentioned some variation of “waste,” including 78 who mentioned of “waste of time.” But nearly everyone who listed “waste” as a response was a Republican. In fact, 18 percent of Republicans included the word “waste” or “wasteful,” compared to just 4 percent of Democrats.3 Other common responses from Republicans included “political” and “witch hunt.” By comparison, the responses were a bit more varied among Democrats, who used words like “long,” “Constitution” and “quid pro quo” to describe the process. Overall, the most common one-word response among Democrats was “necessary” — 7 percent (56 people) listed that. There wasn’t much overlap in the responses between parties, other than the words “partisan” and “Trump,” which were mentioned a similar number of times by Republicans and Democrats.

As the House prepares for its historic impeachment vote, these findings highlight how little common ground there is between Republicans and Democrats — other than a general consensus that the process has been partisan. And based on what we’ve found so far, it’s unlikely that this will change. The impeachment vote and (assuming Trump is impeached) the upcoming Senate trial will probably entrench those divisions even further.

Methodology: All the data presented here come from polling done by Ipsos for FiveThirtyEight, using Ipsos’s KnowledgePanel, a probability-based online panel that is recruited to be representative of the U.S. population. For this study, the same group of respondents is contacted for an interview six times — roughly every two weeks for three months — to track whether and how their answers changed; this is the third wave of this panel survey, conducted from Dec. 13 to Dec. 16 among a general population sample of adults with an oversample of independents, garnering 1,588 respondents. The study weighting included an adjustment for party identification so that results reflect the general population of U.S. adults. The poll has a margin of error of +/- 2.9 percentage points.