#and trying not to cry or get openly mad because for some reason me getting angry when im disrespected is worse than the disrespect.

[cheesysoup-arlo]

Like a dog pt. 1

(pt. 2)

Regina x reader angst?

Warnings: toxic Regina, slur (use of the word lesbo)

I listened to this song for most of the writing process lol

You loved Regina. You loved her so much and you would do anything for her. She was your girlfriend. She wouldn’t tell anyone that but you knew it and that was enough for you.

You’ve noticed Regina being a little more distant than usual since Cady joined the plastics. You didn’t think much of it until rumors of Aaron and Regina dating started spreading.

While hanging out at Regina’s house (with the plastics) you decided to try and bring it up. “Hey Gina, um I-“ before you could even get your words out Regina snapped “What (Y/N)” she said rolling her eyes. “You know never mind I’m probably being ridiculous” you say worried she’ll get mad “No, spit it out, Now” she demanded. “Um so I’ve been hearing rumors that you and Aaron are dating, I know us dating is a secret (only you and the plastics know) but I thought we were only seeing each other?” You say kind of rambling and nervous. “Oh my god you’re being ridiculous” Regina said annoyed “get over yourself, you’re a secret for a reason, people can’t know I’m some lesbo like you and Janis that would be gross” you suddenly felt really small and unwanted something that you weren’t used to feeling especially when you were with your girlfriend. “Yeah, right, exactly, I don’t even know why I brought it up, sorry” you mumbled out. “God you’re so insecure sometimes” Regina says leaning in to kiss you. You kiss her, the mean things she said don’t matter as much as that kiss. Kissing her soft sweet lips meant everything to you.

The next day at school you’re putting your stuff in your locker when Regina calls you over. “(Y/N) come” Regina commanded “Yes?” You say confused walking over to her, she normally doesn’t talk to you much at school. “Gretchen was right you are like a dog, you come crawling to me whenever I call” she laughs a little with her friends. “Ok bye bye puppy, see you later” she says waving you away and laughing. You go to the bathroom to cry. Why was your girlfriend being like this? Doesn’t she love you? You lost track of time while crying and missed class. You wipe your tears, trying to make yourself look presentable before your only class with Regina. When you walk into class you see Regina. You’re not as excited as you normally are but seeing her makes you a little happy even if she’s being mean to you. Regina notices you and says, “come here puppy come sit” she points to the seat next to her and of course you follow. Regina pulls you in for a kiss, she never does that in public so you were shocked. “Regina there’s people” you say worried. She rolls her eyes “just be grateful I kissed you” you decide being quiet would be the better option. Regina’s behavior confused you. “Meet me at my car during lunch” Regina whispered in your ear. You just nod. Lunch was after next period. When the bell rang you packed up your things to head to art. You bumped into someone. “Ow fuck sorry” you say picking up the stuff you dropped. “It’s ok” says a familiar voice. “Oh hi Janis” “hi (Y/N), heading to art?” “Um yeah, you know I sit like right behind you” “yeah I know but sometimes you ditch so I was just curious” Janis jokes making you laugh a little. You two walk to art together, talking a little about your recent projects. Rumors start spreading when the two openly out lesbians are seen walking together in the halls and laughing. You don’t go on your phone in art. So to your surprise when you open your phone after the bell rings for lunch and see loads of messages and post about you and Janis. And two text from Regina

Regina 💕: get your ass to my car

Regina💕: NOW

uh oh she’s angry. You run to her car. “Hey Regina” “get in the car” you do what you’re told. “So you’re cheating on me?” “WHAT NO” “oh come on (Y/N) why else would you be talking and giggling with Janis” “um maybe because I have art with her” “I don’t want to see you around her anymore” she kisses you then continues “you’re mine” you blush due to her possessiveness even if she only talked like this in private. “All yours” you say. She kisses you again. “Oh one more thing, don’t bring up Aaron anymore he’s being like so annoying and tried to kiss me” “ok” you say leaning in to kiss her again. She kisses you back kinda rough, biting your bottom lip then sticking her tongue in your mouth to assert dominance. You moan. “Oh you like that” Regina chuckles. You’re embarrassed and hide your face. She grabs you chin and makes you look at her “I want you to come over tonight after the girls leave” “ok?” You say a little confused “you’re gonna be a good little puppy and do whatever I say, ok?” You nod. “Good, now get out, I’ll see you tonight.” You leave a little confused but also excited because you get to see Regina later.

A/N: this has been in my notes app for like 3 days because I couldn’t tell if this was worth posting but here you go

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 21 thoughts:

Well that was sure a turn around from last arc's "I'm going to rally the students so I don't get captured."

I know my daughter has made some . . . mistakes, but I'm not a fan of her turning herself into the openly corrupted and also bad at their job parahuman cops.

(Parahuman cops as in "cops who police parahumans" not "cops who are parahumans")

Like look, I get it. A precog told her to cut ties. I can't say it's wrong to follow that advice. But she could do that in a lot of ways that don't involve the PRT.

The second not from Dinah just being "I'm sorry" is brutal.

But before she can turn herself in she has to absolutely fucking crush the PRT/Protectorate for outing her civilian identity.

I love how fucking simple taking out the entire PRT headquarters was for Skitter and her girlfriends!

Who needs anyone else? Bitch brings muscle, Tattletale brings information, Skitter brings battlefield control. Lesbian polycule power activate!

Was it an overboard response? Maybe. Was it badass how she just took out so many heroes and PRT troops with ease? Yes.

Poor Dovetail has one of the most embarrassing introductions ever. First time we see her and Skitter is wiping the floor with her and thinking about her "crummy power".

God I hate Tagg so much that he makes me miss Piggot. Like she was absolutely terrible, but he's worse! And making me miss Piggot makes me hate Tagg even more!

Kindly old cemetery groundskeeper who doesn't pay much attention to the news! Never a bad trope.

They gave Butcher 15 to Cherish???!? Like sure they give all the reasoning for it but like ... it just seems like a really high risk situation. If she ever gets out it's going to suck. A lot.

THE SCENE AT RACHEL'S PLACE OH MY GOD!

SHE IS BUILDING A COMMUNITY! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!

Rachel just over here finding everyone like her and giving them a place. Legit crying. Look at that fucking growth!

(Also shout-out to my wife for having basically done the same thing. It's how I met her. It's how I met one of my girlfriends. And so many other important people. So ya. I fucking love this.)

Also you ever like a girl so much you try to give her an entire planet? Cause Taylor sure has.

"Rachel I don't want you to be sad when I'm gone so you can basically have this whole other planet we found."

GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Imp let Regent take control of her . . . welp. Like, I'm not really surprised by this. And in a different situation I wouldn't even really find it that weird. I'd do it with the right person. But combination of age and the situation they are in and Regent being Regent annnnnd ya. Welp.

I did love how much of the interactions between Skitter and Regent/Imp really was just her struggling with parenting two teenage supervillains.

IT'S NOT SO EASY, IS IT CHILD?!? MAYBE YOU'LL CUT ME SOME SLACK AND LISTEN TO MY ADVICE IN THE FUTURE!

(She won't)

I fucking LOVE that she made the bible themed hero kneel. Absolutely fucking amazing.

Oh shiiit, Skitter just flat dropped that guy multiple stories. Is she going to far?

. . . wellll, these guys do literally worship the Endbringers so I guess a little aggression is ok.

Damn, Valefor sure has some fucked up powers, I wonder what they're gonna do abou-

. . .

. . .

. . . . . .

. . . wellll, these guys do literally worship the Endbringers so I guess a little aggression is ok.

. . .

Yep.

. . .

. . . I think I preferred when she just used a knife.

So anyway

Not a fan of Taylor having more alone time with Brian (not because I have any issue with the idea, but because I think she needs to be focusing on her girlfriends), but I am a fan of her using bugs to clean her dress and fix her hair afterwords while Brian just kinda sits there and has to contemplate what he has gotten himself into. Queen shit.

Flechette was SO mad that Parian wasn't "cute" anymore, I couldn't stop laughing. Sure, she said "You had to take the playfulness away? The joy?" but we all know what she meant. Of course, it's won't take very long for the new costume to get Flechette's attention. (I have to mention that this is basically exactly what I said when reading the scene, and the interlude a few chapters later just proved me right.)

Flechette is just so hopelessly gay

Miss Militia is actually getting very mild respect from me right now. Like, she's still working for the cops but she is actually agreeing to silently push against some things. Now, she says she doesn't have more power then that but she is a very well known hero and if she would publicly speak out about certain things there is a decent chance she could do more. That would of course be putting her position at risk though. Which is why she only gets very mild respect right now.

OH MY GOD I DIDN'T JUST GET TO SEE TATTLETALE'S MURDER WALL, I GOT TO SEE HER ENTIRE MURDER ROOM!

Fucking multiple bulletin boards with threads connecting them. Everything color coded. Reference numbers to files with more details. Multiple TV screens, computer with constant information dump. God. It's like a literal representation of the inside of my mind while I read Worm. SO MANY THINGS TO FIGURE OUT!

I love a lot of characters, but Tattletale always stays near the top. She gets me.

And from the fucking joy of getting to see that setup I come crashing the fuck down.

Like, I have completely figured out at this point that Skitter is turning herself in. I know what is coming. She's had her moment with everyone else and Tattletale is the last one.

And then. Then just . .

No goodbyes.

😭😭😭😭😭

HOW DARE THIS BOOK MAKE ME FEEL MY OWN FEELINGS!! I'M TOO GAY FOR THIS!

I do find it hysterical that the PRT officers working the front lobby don't all recognize Skitter on sight. Fucking gas station employees will manage to keep track of people with pictures on the "bad check" board, you'd think the PRT could manage to have their officers keep track of the face of one of the most well know villains in the country, if not the world, who also controls their city. PRT is forever bad at their job.

That one guy did notice her eventually though, so I guess he gets to be employee of the month.

The Number Man interlude thoughts:

The inside of this mans mind is one of the sexiest things I have ever seen and the constant reminder of the horrible things he is helping Cauldron do to all their prisoners was very helpful because it was the only thing keeping me from deciding that The Number Man is a perfect soul that can do no wrong.

I have no illusions here. I am weak. This man is a monster and I should not have any trouble remembering that.

But fuck shit fuck oh god fuck I don't even need him to touch me. I just need him to TALK to me. I just need him to get high with me and let me pick apart how his mind works!

He understood numbers, and through them, he understood everything.

That line. Absolute killer. Fucking take me.

. . . anyway yes it's a very interesting interlude!

Loved seeing more of the inner workings of Cauldron

I very much want to see the final level of their basement that only the Doctor goes into because I said that I thought Cauldron had a dead (for values of dead that are non-definable) higher dimensional being in their basement back during arc 15 and now I know for sure that there is something down there. I wanna know if I was right!

Oh my god he was friends with Jack

"Friends"

Look I make everything gay ok? It's not my choice! Sure it means I get to enjoy every tiny bit of Wolfspider and Chatterbug cause I see all of it. But it also means I see the ships I don't want to think about!

I men what was I supposed to think when Jack said “We can live this. Together. Every waking second…”?

Gay

Parian interlude thoughts:

And speaking of gay!

Fucking Flechette just full blown "Fuck all of this I want you to tell me what to do for the rest of my life!"

Full U-Haul lesbian.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

This is Parian's new costume having an effect.

Just so gay. I love it.

Also Bitch just so fucking ready to break Skitter out. So fucking gay.

And the incredible loyalty, which is gonna hurt if she ends up feeling betrayed by Skitter.

Still gay though.

Tattletale, basically without powers, just completely giving Accord the "fuck off, we're in charge" was amazing. All she had to do was promise to consider his binders and he was all in. This poor man just wants somebody to read his ideas! He's like a aspiring screenwriter just begging people to read his script.

[crusty-chronicles]

As requested, I present to you ✨

Hiei Bringing His Airheaded S/O To Demon World

Absolute chaos

The entire time he regrets bringing you there.

He only did so because he was tired of you crying everytime he left. Even though he always came back to you no matter what, idiot.

Truthfully, he prefers you staying in the living world because there's less things that could kill you.

No bloodthirsty demons salivating at the scent of you. No carnivorous plants waiting for you to aimlessly stumble into. And no threats of kidnapping and being used for ransom.

It's not like you can't take care of yourself, but the chances of a someone or something taking advantage of your naivety are high

Which is why he specifically tells you to stay close to him.

“If you get lost here, I won't try to find you.” It was a small warning that he'd never really follow through with. But he needed you to take this seriously.

“But you found me when I got lost on my way home that one time.”

“I mean it this time.”

He has to keep a constant eye on you at all times.

Even going as far as holding your hand to keep you in place.

Which is very humiliating for him. The three eyed demon not used to openly showing his affections.

His first stop is Mukuro's base. To which you responded ‘Why is it moving??? I think I'm gonna get motion sickness.’

Because of his constant supervision, he isn't really able to do his job.

And so it begins.

He needs his Jagan, so it's either you or the other poor humans who stumbled past the makai barrier.

Guess who he chooses most of the time.

The few times he does leave you, he makes sure you're occupied with something.

“Go spar with those new recruits over there while I'm gone.”

“Okay!”

Bless those poor demons. They never stood a chance.

Hiei warned Mukuro beforehand about you.

How you're decently strong but don't have a single thought in your head.

She didn't believe him at first. At least, not until she met you in person.

How you managed to bust a hole in the wall by tripping, she'd never know. She saw it happen, but she still doesn't understand how it's possible.

Hiei introduces you to her and immediately regrets it.

“You’re a liar! You said you didn't have any friends.” You pointed out, causing the three eyed demon to tense up.

“I don't. Mukuro's an ally.”

“We both know it's the same for you.”

He's actually mad you're smart enough to figure that out but not why you shouldn't eat glass.

He's pretty embarrassed about your relationship. Not because he's ashamed of you. Couldn't be any further than the truth. He relishes in the fact you're so strong, paired along with your heart that has more kindness than he's able to fathom.

No, Hiei is embarrassed because here he's respected. His reputation is infamous and he's regarded highly. Known to be cruel yet reasonable.

But here he is telling you not to wonder off like some worried parent.

Here he is inspecting the smallest of cuts on your finger and healing it.

It's just so embarrassing for him to be soft in front of others who aren't you.

“So this is the one that has you returning to the human world.” Mukuro teased.

But Hiei wouldn't take the bait.

“I don't know what you're talking about.

Only for you to come up to him with a small gem. Presenting it proudly to him.

“Hiei! Look what I found! Isn't it pretty?”

It's a ruby. Something you'd told him reminds you of his eyes. It makes a tinge of red appear on his face.

But Hiei's a stubborn demon.

“And what do you expect me to do with it?” A tone that would sound cruel to anyone but you.

“Maybe I could turn it into a necklace like the one you gave me.”

“That's a ridiculous idea.”

It was inevitable something would happen to you on this trip. A lot of demons were still bitter about the outcome of the tournament. And with Hiei's involvement with the reform, you were only a huge target.

He ends up wearing it for the rest of the trip. Guarding it with his life. Much to the amusement of the Mukuro and her henchmen.

He came back to the base expecting to see you waiting, but you weren't there.

He didn't waste a second using his Jagan to find you.

He fully prepared to end the life of whatever demon decided to mess with his mate, but when he found you, you'd already taken care of it.

Save for a few scratches on your arm, you were completely fine.

It led to Hiei scolding you for walking off with someone you didn't know. Promising this would be the last time you ever came here for acting so reckless, and that you weren't to leave his side for the rest of the time you were here.

It proved that he was right with you staying in the living world. It was safer for you. And he had Kurama to take care of you if anything happened. You were completely alone here.

“How come you didn't want me to come here?” You asked while he went over your injuries once more.

His answer came immediately.

“Because I knew you wouldn't be able to stay out of trouble.”

“Hey, it's not my fault that guy wanted to fight. How was I supposed to know he wasn't a part of Mukuro’s army?”

He glared up at you.

“You're an idiot.” Then his gaze softened. A look reserved only for you.

“…But you're my idiot, therefore my responsibility. I can't have you getting hurt on my watch.”

What kind of mate would he be if he couldn't even take care of you in his element?

You sat in silence for a while, and he briefly wondered if he went too far. You usually never took his harsh words to heart. He was relieved when he heard you speak again.

“You seem to really like it here. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to stayed after all one of these days.”

You still thought he would just abandon you? Truly your naivety infuriated him.

“In case I haven't made my intentions clear before, I come back for you and you only. Yet you still doubt my devotion. If you expect me to stay in the living world forever with you, you shouldn't.” But I'll always come back for you. Words he'd said over and over again.

An idea struck you then.

“We could stay here if you want. Get all old together. Maybe start a family.”

He couldn't stop the heat crawling onto his face. The way the red seemed to glow from his flustered state. He had to look away from you and move back.

“As if. I have no intentions to keep you here, nor procreate with someone who can't even tie their shoe.”

He heard you laugh and the red only worsened from there.

He didn't like the effect your words had on him.

Tempting him with something so sweet. Something that would inevitably give him even more of a weak spot.

But you weren't meant for this world. Your home was on the other side of this barrier. And his was with you.

For now this arrangement of being with you periodically would work.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA?

Ok so I'm 26NB and my partner is 28M and we've been in a relationship for 4 years now. We have been living together for the past 2 years.

I really enjoy being with him but there's some red flags I kinda dismissed for various reasons. We've been fighting more often and it always turns into him putting all the fault on me for the disagreement and I'm just. Questioning myself I guess. Idk

Just before we moved in together we had a fight over whether I should keep my bed or not. The plan was to move into a two bedroom apartment so we would have more space for our hobbies, so space wasn't an issue. I wanted to keep my bed because 1) I like my bed, it's comfy. And 2) if anything at all were to happen and I had to move out for some reason (not necessarily a breakup, literally any reason like to support a family member, which I have had to do in the past) I didn't want to have to get a new bed. He kept guilting me about it and saying stuff like "well it seems like you're just planning on us breaking up and if you really love me you would just get rid of it" finally he eventually agreed to let me keep it but he still brings up "my weird thing about the bed."

Now we've been living together for a while and I swear it's like. Sometimes I am trying so hard to not start a fight but he will just take something I say out of context and when I try to explain myself he claims I don't care about his feelings, which is infuriating. Everything I do revolves around his feelings. I have to walk on eggshells when he's stressed because if I say the wrong thing or don't emote well enough (I'm autistic) it turns into the "you don't care about me enough" discussion. Every time this comes up he gets so worked up and I can't talk him down. Its so frustrating.

I guess where I'm struggling is when I have an issue. If I bring up something he did that upset me he gets angry at me and ALWAYS Turns it around on me saying "that's what you do to me!" Or "that's how I FEEL right now!" And he cries. And I end up just giving up trying to discuss it because he won't hear me.

I feel bad because i have always been the type of person who believes that men should be allowed to express their emotions and cry openly when they need to but every time he cries it just makes me so mad. I hate it when he cries now. Its made me such a bitter and mean person but idk what to do. it feels like I have to just throw away everything that makes me upset to make room for his emotions. I've tried to tell him this and it always turns into the "that's how I feel about YOU right now" response that just puts all the responsibility back on me.

I guess I partly agree with not caring about his emotions because like I said, it just makes me mad when he cries. And I do feel bad about that.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[lamentingocean]

Female Jaha X Subordinate Reader

__________________________________________

Warning: gore and blood, violence, thirsting over the mc, and typical maniacal jaha bullshit,

+Work made by your favorite rotmd blogger- Ocean!+

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Master Jaha. A Madwoman in nature and possibly one of the most powerful martial artists in china to be able to harness qi like a vacuum to take qi but to have it as her own. she's resilient, she's strong, and she's more crazier than a schizophrenic psychopath but is capable. I had a lot of reasoning to understand her ways of waging war just for a sex sect, defeating nachal dae due to his control over the heavenly generals, the defeat of the old black sea wolves master, the defeat of the cloudburst clan master, she works her ways like clockwork. As a subordinate. Her ways of killing threats are so trivial that it even makes a master of cards cry in despair, thus making her unpredictable and quite hard to follow. I try to analyze her actions just by following her lead and maybe trying to see what's going on in that insane brain of hers. To see if any type of normality speck is shoved into her brain since she's capable of running two sects on her own two hands. But I can't help but believe that she's hot as hell.

Even after threatening to shove a knife up a drunkard's ass because they keep flirting with her. she's insane Yes, but her attractiveness is also a highlight of that reoccurring active insanity within the locks of her mental mindset and brain working like a machine towards who she wants to kill. it's not like she's a bad person in nature since murder is a terribly frequent necessity to human's power over control. But she does have priorities and boundaries for many men murdering innocent people without a care in the world. This isn't a thirst trap. I'm just simply analyzing master jaha even though those red hot eyes.

They look like the bottomless pit of hell in which there is no escape. It looks like hell's fire bottled up into two beautiful looking eyes that gaze at a man's soul, and it will terrify them. shattering their heart into peices until they realize they can't mess with a woman more crazier and more powerful than most grandmasters of china. And to be honest. I been simping like a silent pig. I also know she doesn't like slutty men who simp over woman like a dog so I need to keep this quiet. I saw her getting some debris and dirt off her mask once she went into war with more enemy associations that claim to underestimate her motives into becoming mad demon. enemies are like flies to her. easy to swat but hard to get to. it's only a matter of time before she openly admits that she's into woman or man who will stand by her.

I shaved the iron bits off my weapon to buy off some time, only to see dokgo walk behind me to spill out some news from his mouth like spit stuck on your throat. "Master jaha needs to see you." I unintentionally tried not to blush when I heard that name spill out of his vocal cords only to shoot mine like an innocent human being. I stood up and thanked him for informing me about her. I remember she resided at the training grounds alone while she watched her disciples get their bones broken while they screamed in physical pain.

I walked out to see the beautiful nightsky. I remember the cloudburst clan/ elder dragon king war she had to deal with on her own. her insanity was on her peak that night. her glare resonates with mental insanity and a killing intent to kill every one of the gaurds. even their blood is spilled upon the ground due to one swing of her blade. her crimes of arson and mass murder are nothing more than the elimination of pure evil masters who are obsessed with control. pure evil doesn't exist in this world. But ones who are evil enough to hurt innocent people without any reason is enough to be much evil than most governments.

I remember those days like the back of my hand. Her unthinkable unpredictability about slapping a man inconsistently due to his appearance is nothing but fun. I saw her jet black hair swarming around in the air like an ocean tide while her red attire fit her appearance entirely. I came up to her slowly while my mind was pushing away my simping for her only to act normal.

"What did you need me for master jaha?"

"What do you think about getting into another war? I have one that's about to rain down upon the black rabbit clan."

I stared back at her, her eyes looking at the moon while her firey pits of hell camouflaged as eyes were shining in the moonlight. Her long black hair was swirling in the ground, but instead of thirsting over her like I usually do in my free time. I thought about it for a second. Those who double cross jaha will be dragged into the depths of hell while they are burning for all eternity. Those who claim their existence as a proud pure evil sinner wouldn't live long enough to see the ends of the earth. She doesn't tolerate it but giving the fact that her blade is often stained with the blood of her enemies.

No matter if it's a war, a duel, or a fight. I'll always see her stained with newer blood than ever, like red velvet chocolate dip with strawberries. let's put it this way.

Jaha drizzling chocolate all over the strawberries . The strawberries are her enemies, and they never stood a chance against her abilities and power. only to be devoured and crushed in the drooling depths of her mouth because they thought they could fight a madwoman like her.

The worst opponent to have. but my overthinking is over and done with as she waited for my response. staring at me with a slightly annoyed look but keeping her low term patience for a small subordinate like me.

"I mean... we dealt with a lot since you've taken control of the black rabbit clan. So...as long as we die and as long as our army stays intact, then it should be fine..war is inevitable and destructive, but it can be overcome."

"Thanks for being honest with me. It's not like I'm anxious. But I got a lot on my plate, so it's too much to deal with both the Hao sect, the southern alliance, and the black rabbit clan. so I'll murder those fuckers faster than hell towards picking up their sinners."

I went closer to her without trying to make it seem like I'm flirting with her. I don't want to die due to a stab in a chest just because of my crush on the legendary master jaha Lee of Jaha inn. The cute little errand girl who can be pampered like a good little slu-

You know what? I'm gonna shut the fuck up.

"Why are you so closer to me?💢"

"I was just friendly. There is no need to get so hostile."

"Tch."

I was about to say something back until we saw a full deck of spears and swords rose up in the front gate. me and her both saw it and was callous to see what it was. I stayed on my spot when I saw her walk up to the front gate to open it. her sword was ready to strike whoever is at the door at this time. her eyes looked to the front of the door to see the alliance she's at war with.

her eyes were peppered with angry faces.

"Why are you here dipshit? this war doesn't start until tomorrow."

"Look just open the fucking door or I'll bust in here.💢"

"no. Take your delusional mess somewhere else."

at this point. I wanted to help her, but I'm too busy staring at her ass while she's still talking to those weirdos on the door. god fuck me down to hell.

"Open. the. door. fucking errand girl or else."

"Or else what? Going to kill me?"

the alliance leader suddenly didn't give a flying shit about breaking the door down until he did. His spear was coated with fresh blood, almost like he committed a mass murder nearby without any reasoning for it, so I guess jaha just assumed that he hurt the people of ilyang while I'm just sitting here wondering whats happening here.

"How many people did you kill in ilyang?💢"

his eyes glanced to his spear dripping of blood from the innocent, falling to the concrete training grounds like it's a net catching fish in a fresh river. He had no redeeming explanations to this before his death hour, so he tried to lie right to her face, thinking that she's dumb enough to buy killing multiple animals nearby for breakfast tomorrow.

"I was killing animals for tomorrow's breakfast. don't worry about it master jaha. All I'm focused about is killing you agonizingly.. do you understand me?"

he glanced at her after looking at the spear, and all he saw was a death stare full of madness and anger, her fist trembled out of this situation like she isn't a boss at keeping her composure and nonchalance towards dangerous situations. her grin wasn't full of kindness. It was full of darkness in that grin. she had full of thoughts in her head that could gut this man down like a dead fish. that can purposefully snap off his limbs if he said one more word full of lies.

His skin shivered at the sight of her red eyes stabbing directly through his soul since he didn't know openly lying to the mad demon's face is a terrible idea and is a ticket to burning in hell for such a small lie. But it isn't a small lie. It's a lie that costs the lives of multiple people, I'm sure. but he tried to cover up his fear by putting on his shit eating grin in order to seem fearless to the mad demon's wrath.

"You didn't kill animals. You killed people in order to assert your power to the black rabbit clan were you..? To assert domination to my power?"

that caused him to keep his mouth shut, forcing him to remove that shit eating grin off his lips and put on a face full of fear and devastation for his lifespan, while the alliance men were pointing their spears at master jaha thinking they can have a chance of standing up to her abilities no matter how much the definition of "one army one army" can be important at this very moment.

jaha slid her finger through her sword with a chuckle of hidden intentions, glaring her eyes into the patterns of the sword like she's reminiscing about what to do about the alliance in her mind like it's a paradoxical way to torture someone, the air was silent somehow..like time had been stopped under the gaze of a terrible moment with a master of their word under madness.

For the first time ever. the alliance leader felt despair for his life. He slowly felt an existential terror over having a body since he might get brutally mauled into death by the mad demon. I mean...who wouldn't feel this way if they fucked up by poor decisions?

jaha pointed his sword directly to his heart to signal his death with her lips curling in insanity and hatred for the man's existence in her very eyes..she can't help but feel disgusting by him.

"I...I have two options. You can either..go home and never associate with the black rabbit clan ever again, or I can kill all of you. a quick and easy death. How does that sound? Surely, the man having the intentions to come here, harassing me out of a war, won't...run away like a little bitch. that seems pathetic to me."

all of it was like one big action movie in my eyes. if the alliance leader didn't make a decision within the next 3 seconds, then it's over for his life. he continued to stall, considering the despair the men were feeling when their leader was silent about his decision, like he's purposefully trying to send his alliance up for devastation and horrible death all in one.

" I don't have time for this, so let's get straight to the point."

a big splat of blood came out directly from a fresh human body. the alliance men were horribly mesmerized by the head flying through the air only to fall down to ooze blood over and over like it's an existential loop of reality,

her blade was full of blood. a murder to show off her real domination, a way to let them know that jaha doesn't take shit from anybody or anything. the rest of them started to back away in fear, heading to the door as an act of betrayal for.."always being on the leader's side at all times." it's complete torture to see you have nobody by your side in a horrible situation.

"This is my warning. get out of here and never associate with my clan ever again if you even try to touch a single soul of the citizens of ilyang. I will fucking tear you apart you disgusting son of a bitch. You understand me?"

"Y-yes ma'am."

He ran out with his tail between his legs like a scared little puppy. while I'm thinking..damn.

jaha is so hot, I swear.

she glanced at me with a tired look, some spot of blood were dripping down her skin.

she sat right next to me with a crushing feeling of silence between us. i guess her anger still hasn't dissipated yet since I can still feel it resonating around her, so I'm deciding what to do to ease this haunting atmosphere.

"Do you... want to get some candy at ilyang..? If you want. I'll issue the heavenly generals to watch over the clan for us."

"...fine. tanglulu sounds really good right now to me."

I stood up to reach for my hand, waiting for her to grab it so we could go. never have I ever grabbed the hand of someone who probably snapped necks before with their bare hands. I shouldn't be careful around her, but at the same time, I should.

She grabbed it out of her usual silence and stood up along with me.

"Let's go. I need to take this blood off my face anyway. things like this always never fail to set my rage to the highest point in me."

"Sure."

-END-

(I try so hard to study jaha's personality for this a bit more since he's a hard nut to crack. but I'm so proud to be in this fandom)

[demi-shoggoth]

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Enbie

This is going to be a Very Personal Post. You have been warned.

I have not had an easy life. I went to graduate school, thinking I wanted to be a research scientist. I got suckered by a con-man who could see that I was smart but that I was naïve, and that he could use me. Turn me into an absolute slave. And he tried. And he got really close. But he failed.

One of the reasons he failed was because of the woman in my life at the time. She was a childhood friend, and we played games together for years. We had drifted apart, and then drifted back together, and were so happy with each other. And she helped me realize that that bad scientist wasn’t going to control my life.

But she had had a bad life too. Worse than mine. She was basically Cinderella, forced to act as the sole responsible member of a household by an abusive parent whose parents had abused her. And she, my girlfriend, realized that she liked being in charge. And that I was weak, and that she could take advantage of that.

When things were good with her, they were very very good. But when they were bad, they were Awful. We liked to play games with each other, right? But those games now had a nasty edge to them. She always had to win. Always. And that included at games like “who’s right about what happened six months ago?” “Who does more chores?” “Who gets to make all of the decisions?”

And she had a trump card she could always use. My sexuality.

I’ve always been a weird kid into monsters and magic and stuff, and as my sexuality blossomed, that interest became an erotic one. The first time I got erect, it was to a picture in a Monster Manual. The first time I realized that you didn’t have to stay a boy? Was by accidentally putting on a Girdle of Sex Change in Baldur’s Gate. And on some level, I think that she recognized that I was genderqueer and didn’t know it yet. So that was something she could hold over my head. She controlled me with gaslighting, and she controlled me with bullying, and she controlled me with sexual shame.

But I got out. Thank goddess. It was hard, and it took literally a year of living apart before I realized that I never never never wanted to live together again. But I did it.

And the next year? I openly admitted that I was nonbinary to one of my coworkers. After crying in a staff meeting and she was the only one who noticed or cared.

I was doing better by that point, but I was still sad. I thought that maybe I was a bad teacher who didn’t deserve to have a good job, and I took the first job that was offered to me the next year because it seemed Good Enough.

It wasn’t

The commute was miserable, for one thing. And the pay very low. Low enough that it didn’t cover everything I needed it to. Some weeks it felt like I was pouring my entire paycheck into my gas tank, and had no time for anything but work, drive, sleep, repeat.

And the people there. There were definitely a few good people there? But they were outweighed by the bad. Petty little crooks who made you feel like a wretch when you tried to assert yourself. Teachers who casually made transphobic jokes and thought that gender neutral bathrooms were a stupid idea. I was bullied there. I was bullied by my bosses, by my coworkers, and even by my students.

I turned to alcohol to help me sleep, to help me cope. I always like trying new things, so I experimented with what beers I liked best. And, like any mad scientist, I drunk too deep and started changing myself. In bad ways.

It got so bad that I realized, I want to kill myself.

Not “it might be better if I were dead”. Which I had done before, with the bad boss and the bad girlfriend. But “I could make that happen”

And I realized that that was a bridge too far.

There’s a version of this story that ends with me drinking myself to death. That’s what happened to one of my grandfathers.

But you know what happened to my other grandfather? He got out of a bad marriage, found a good one, and was happy for decades.

So I realized that actively wanting to kill myself was an important decision in the Good End/Bad End version of my life, and I got out of that Bad Place.

It was hard. My medical insurance made it as annoying for me as possible. I had panic attacks about missed appointments and phone trees. But I eventually found someone. A psychiatrist, who was also a weird queer woman, just like I was trying to deny that I was.

She told me, as soon as she walked in the door and looked at my blood work, “so it looks like you’ve been binge drinking”

And I could have turtled up. Gotten defensive and lashed out. But instead, my response was, “really? Tell me more”

And she did. And the prescription she gave me wasn’t for pills, wasn’t for drugs. It was for apple cider vinegar and for Vitamin B-12. “This will clean out your liver,” she said.

And I thought that that was a little woo woo. But I did it anyway. Because I felt like I could trust this woman

The apple cider vinegar was tasty. I always liked sour flavors, and I could experiment with how much vinegar to water I could push myself with before I didn’t like it. And, doing all that kept me from buying and drinking so much beer. Vinegar is much cheaper than beer, which meant I could afford more gasoline, and I was able to keep from going broke while working at a shitty job. And so even though it was very clear that that my bosses were just looking for excuses to fire me, I was a good teacher until the day I walked out the door. And the lesson I tried to teach as many people as possible before I left?

You have choices. Don’t make the easiest ones. Make the right ones.

Here’s how the biochemistry of this all worked. Because I am a scientist, after all, even if I don't have a PhD. The liver processes many things, including signals from the bacterial community of the large intestine, and drugs and toxins. Alcohol is both a drug and a toxin, of course. Having so much beer awash in my guts and awash with my blood was changing the bacteria inside me. Only the gut bacteria who could survive regular doses of poison were hanging on. And to deal with that poison, my liver cells were prioritizing making smooth endoplasmic reticulum instead of any other job. And my DNA was being modified, just a little, with epigenetic markers that helped it make more smooth ER and survive the constant alcohol poisoning.

That’s what fatty liver disease is. There are healthy ways to be fat, and unhealthy ways, and fatty liver disease is one of the unhealthy ones. Fatty liver disease is when liver cells have so much smooth ER that they don’t work right. And if that kills too many of them, it eats holes in your liver. Your liver is pretty durable, but not infinitely so. And your liver falls apart. It’s called cirrhosis.

But by drinking apple cider vinegar instead of beer, I was not only reducing the amount of poison, but also reintroducing critters into my guts. My microbiota was stressed and scared, and had a lower diversity. Diversity is strength,  on every scale. By drinking apple cider vinegar, I was bringing in new bacteria to my guts. Fermented foods have living critters in them. And as my guts became less hostile and my liver was better able to do its job, some of those friendly little monsters stuck around. And started pushing out the weedy bacteria to a safer, lower, population level. Turning a vacant lot into a beautiful meadow.

And my liver responded in turn. Making less smooth ER and more enzymes and signals that would help it talk to that meadow, and take care of it. And the Vitamin B-12 helped to lock those changes in place. Vitamin B-12 is what the body uses to make methyl groups, which are used to turn off parts of the DNA that the body doesn’t need right now, in that cell, in that tissue, in that organ.

And I lost weight, and I started sleeping better, and my skin improved. And I didn’t want to kill myself. And I got more comfortable with my sexuality, and my gender, and started telling people I was trans and now just thinking about transitioning. And when I got a bad girlfriend again? Another weird gamer with trauma who wanted to lash out? I made it very clear that she couldn’t manipulate me, and she was in and out of my life in six weeks. Six weird weeks, with some good sex. But I realized that I could do better, both from a romantic and a sexual perspective.

When I went to see that psychiatrist again, she told me that, looking at the latest blood work, I had the liver of a teenager. And then she told me about herself.

She was an immigrant. And queer. And she thought that the United States would be a land of acceptance, and her homeland wasn't. So she left the homophobia there and she found racism in Reagan’s America. And the AIDS pandemic. And she was sad, but she coped. And then helped people survive racism, survive Reagan, survive a pandemic. Helped people with AIDS die better in a loving environment, and help the survivors deal with their trauma.

And now she was happy

Seeing a Cool Weird Science Witch who fought through hard times and survive inspired me. She was a role model, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself.

I nearly killed myself, the easy way or the hard way, but I got out of it with the help of understanding my own biology, my own desires, and my own goals.

I found the love that I needed and deserved.

And I want to share that with you. 

[curlyhairedintrovertsworld]

i'm outgrowing the dresses and skirts are bad narrative, but there are more problems to be addressed.

i wanted to wear one of my larger/longer shirts out the other day. the shirt is basically a t-shirt i bought in a size too big so that i could wear like a dress with shorts AND tights underneath. i was talking to my mom from the top of the stairs and she asked me something in a concerned voice. i showed her the shorts underneath my shirt and walked away to finish getting ready, but as i was walking she asked something like: "is there something going on where were going that you're dressing like that?"

i immediately became so distraught with everything that i started crying after that. i tied the shirt up so that my shorts could be seen, and silently pretended that was my plan all along.

not everyone is going to get this and a lot of y'all might even reiterate the excuses i'm already hyper aware of in defense of my mom but just stop.

i'm asexual aromantic. i have no interest in my appearance being an invitation or an appeal to anyone. i just want to dress the way that makes me the most comfortable. the long t-shirt thing is just a style choice that happens to make me feel comfortable, but it comes with the price of being sexualized. my mom sexualized my appearance and it made me feel like i could never be free of sexualization and heteronormativity. not even in my own home could i be e free of it.

my mom doesn't know i'm aroace, but she does know that acting or dressing for the reasons she brought up are nothing like me. she knows i "hate" people. she knows i don't trust anyone. she knows i especially don't trust men or boys or guys or whatever the fuck guys my age are. i express my distaste for them and romance and sex openly all the god damn time. it would be so beyond out of character for me to be in the realm of what she suggested.

and the place we were going? to a city park lighting ceremony that we were going to be too late to actually be a part of for extra credit because she knows i've been falling behind and it's not unlike me to fall behind because of my adhd (this is in reference to college courses, i'm in my twenties so don't come at me for being to young to understand). i don't like people, and i don't have time to meet new people, and i tell her nearly everything, so she should know i wouldn't be going out for EXTRA CREDIT just to meet some random ass guy that i'd rather drown in the fucking river than talk to.

so what am i even saying? stop sexualizing clothes so much. stop assuming women are dressings for men. WE'RE NOT. WE DRESS FOR OURSELVES AND FOR FUCKING REVENGE. revenge on the patriarchy for making us feel like shit our entire lives.

and then there's the fear my mom expressed in her concern (i'm not mad at her, just the situation). the fear she and everyone else has been placing on me and my social anxiety disordered self since before i could even remember. listen. there is a serious difference between teaching someone to be cautious-and-carful and teaching them to be fearful. i was taught to be fearful. and my anxiety made sure that for years i would keep that pain no matter the cost.

i've been trying my absolute best to fight my anxiety, and fight all sorts of internalized shit, but every time i break down a barrier, someone in my life comes and reminds me why i was even like the way i was in the first place. scared and insecure and lonely and ugly and weak and insignificant and unintelligent and god knows what else/i'm sure i'll remember more later.

i'm learning to live a life decolonized and open and feminist/womanist and queer and intersectional and colorful and destigmatized. i want others to feel the clarity and hope this way of thinking has given me. i want everyone in my life to fucking chill and unlearn the patriarchy and heteronormativity and colonization and be open to freedom instead of fearing the path that leads to it.

listen, if you read all of this you are the absolutely best and if you skimmed it and tried your best to get the gist you are also the best. i can't always read long post either but the effort is beyond appreciated, so thank you.

[calypso-finale]

Sixty. Part 2

Smiling at Amerie as she took Emi from me “thank you” I said to her “go on boys, go and explore as you do” Chris has rented a nice house in Miami, nice views and we can use that boat outside the house too while we are at it. Chris and I did leave the phone call on a shit tone, I mean of course we are disagreeing on the kids and that will always be a touchy subject with him and with me, we all have our own way and now I have started, and I have pointed that they aren’t doing good he isn’t happy with me “I bet you have been having all the blunts” he is rolling one up now “you right I have been, nobody to tell me no. I can have as many as I want, that is the luxury of being away from the wife” I hate when he has too many “well you knew I was coming and I don’t want to drag this out you know, I want us to talk about it, clearly we need too Chris. Please” I said to him “I am listening” he mumbled “I said nothing wrong to Rylee, I spoke the truth. I love all my kids, you know I do, and you know I spoil them too, they all make me mad and I get it because it’s life, they have been birthed into this life and we can’t stop it, but I had hoped they would do for themselves, and I am not getting that. And I may have been harsh with her, but I am trying to help her, I am always trying. I am at the point that nobody fucking deserves the company I made, I wanted to see progress and ok, Ti has come back I take that. But if I see that girl on the field and not at work she will be the next one out, then what? The company I made is what I want to give to my kids, and I am not seeing it. Why should I give it to them, it needs to be earned, none of them have ethic, they jump when a man looks at them, I can’t be wrong in this Chris, you can’t stand there and say I am wrong, we are talking now. Ok I am sorry, I poked at your parenting, I do apologise for that, I take that, but I am not wrong in what I say Chris” he swallowed hard “what do you want me to say? They want to be kept girls” he said “you know what gets me, I took that first born brat to most of my meetings, and she gave me nothing but a grandchild, you know what as a parent I am upset with her, I am hurt by her, I love Aziel, I do but she may have not realised it but she changed her own course of life and now she is living through Aziel by having him model, I said nothing wrong” I am defending myself here, I don’t care. I won’t have him say I am wrong.

Chris is quiet, when he is quiet that does usually mean he knows I am not wrong but then he isn’t liking it “where is Imani?” I asked him “she is out, for some food with Willow, she made friends in her, you know Jada and Will daughter” letting out an oh “that is nice, I am glad she is but Chris, I hope you told her off when she called me a bitch”  he better have “I did, I said to her that is my wife, don’t say that but she was upset. I guess truth hurts but what would you have done? I mean you go there and help her; you help her to get on that path, but she still hasn’t done it for herself. She has finished college, and that’s it. The thing is, we can’t even say it’s her friends, they all have jobs” I am glad Chris isn’t angry at me “I don’t like any of us falling out when we are all split up yeah, that is all. I hate it, when she called me crying, saying mom is this and that, I got upset. I love my kids and that is just me, even if they live a happy life and I am bailing them out, unless they are having drugs I will be there, that is just me. And Rylee will always have that title on her head of being the biggest disappointment of this family, and she openly said she doesn’t want to be in this country for that reason, she misses it but she doesn’t like the feeling of it, so really she is going to be taking the British citizen or whatever, I did say no but like just leave it as that visa business but she is taking it and whatever, I don’t know Robyn. It’s my fault I guess, maybe showing them too much love, maybe they saw that dad stayed for love, he made changes for love they do it, they seem to want that approval of a partner, I don’t know” he snapped walking off.

Walking outside behind him, he lit the blunt “it’s not a bad thing what you did Chris, you are the best dad ever, no matter what happened or happens, you are. I don’t want to dwell on the past, I also know you hate when the kids and I fall out, but I also hate the way they are in terms of work ethic, I can get them anyone, I can make things move and I just get nothing” Chris turned to me “you know what, I hold it together a lot, I do. I regret not being there for Tianna more, she let me down when she did what did in my house, I regret not being there for Rylee when potentially she had a bad birth, and the lasting thing could have been we didn’t talk, I regret it a lot. I regret things too Robyn, I wasn’t there for the boys much as I am for the girls, these boys could be flipping on tables and my eyes will still be on my daughters and when they do shit on me, I hate it but I don’t want to be that guy like I was when I pushed them away from me, I love them what can I say. I don’t want this, I don’t want us to fall out, I know Ti and Rylee will always and forever be on edge, that will never change, they love and hate each other, Rylee hates that she even happened, and Ti hates that Rylee got it all. I try” he sighed “I know you do, and I don’t want to get at you, I don’t” he nodded his head “I also want you to call her back and have a proper adult conversation too” I huffed out “I didn’t know she was going to become a British citizen” he nodded his head “yeah she mentioned it, I said to her I thought you missed home; you said it a lot. She said I thought I did, but then I have to see people that pity me that I had a child where in London nobody bats an eyelid, so yeah. I think she knows how we feel, and like you said, love Aziel but yeah” he mumbled, I will do it for him, he doesn’t want that argument.

Chris called Rylee on his skype, not mine because she may not even pick up because Rylee takes time to get over things, little like Chris “hey dad” with the look on her face, she saw me and then looking away “Rylee, you cooking yeah?” she laughed “I am, and I am still living to tell. I am cooking” Chris laughed “housewife now aren’t you” Rylee pulled a face “stop it dad” least she is doing for herself “Rylee, I want to apologise for upsetting you, for what I said” I spoke up “yeah mom, I don’t need you to tell me what I already know, I know ok. You telling me something when I see all the people I grew up with, I look at them and they just pity me for being a mom at that age, I get looked down on and really being there, I don’t want to be. You can verbally tell me you don’t mind; it’s done. But collectively, if I sat in the room, it’s like Rylee how is your life, you have nothing now but a child. Oh look at auntie Emi and nephew, these sly jokes or whatever, just yeah I know. You’re pointing out what I know, I don’t want to deal with Fenty for them to say I got a mom body, you have Ti, she wants it because she knew that was mine so give it her before she cries” looking at Chris “we spoke about this Rylee” Rylee shook her head “none of you fucking understand, you all just speak shit and thinks it’s ok, I know how you all really feel. You try and be in a room of disappointment looks, and mom you for one should know with how Momo is and you can’t take it, that is just one person. I just want to be out of sight, I don’t want Fenty, I don’t want to know anymore. Thank you for the money, mhmm but I will do it myself and yeah, leave it as that” she said “Rylee” Chris said, “you for one should know how it is to be alone, ok!” she half shouted at him “but you ain’t, you got us” she laughed “I don’t want any of you, ok pity party leave me alone. And mom, fine, it’s ok. I need to go because my life is now my son, he needs feeding!” she put the phone down “you kept the british citizen thing away from me, I didn’t know she was doing that or that someone called her mom body” I said to Chris,

Wadz laughed at Aziel “why did he jump in dirt though bro? Like why” Aziel does be on some dumb stuff “he’s growing, come. In there, let your mom deal with this, you need a bath again” side eyeing the receptionist, that guy always got an issue with me and still does “you look well you know, better then before” Wadz randomly said, pressing the elevator button “you think? Hey, why you not press the button? You usually like doing it” he shrugged and placed his arms behind his back “ok, I see you. Get inside” I pointed, getting into the elevator “why say that though? Is that a good thing” I asked, you never know “bro, of course it’s good. Like you spending time with Aziel a lot more, you’re more caring in a lot of things, reminds me of when we was younger, you cared a lot and spoke more” I grinned “yeah, I still like to be quiet though, this therapist person is good, be saying how things aren’t my fault. Like you know how my mom can be? She loves to blame me; she loves to say I did it. I got myself kicked out, I did this mess. I nutted in Rylee, I had Kenza, I had this, I did that. None of it matters, I see it, I realise it. As a kid I didn’t see it, I thought it was me, I was responsible for that dickhead to be in a gang, but nah. Just about me and my real ones” stepping off the elevator “that’s what it’s about” Wadz eyeballed me “you have a key?” I laughed “just for now, she knows. Don’t worry” I laughed “damn” Wadz is shocked but I give it back after “moving mad” Aziel ran inside, his clothes are really dirty “seriously?” I cringed, looking at Wadz. Making my way into the living room “your key” I said, showing her that I placed it on the table “I don’t get why you couldn’t feed him? I told you to feed him, you message me about it for what!? I said do it” oh she is in a bad mood “you said you ain’t like bossman food for him; so I assumed you didn’t want me too” she is giving me dead eyes “on a real I didn’t hear” I admitted “you know what, everyone, just everyone. I can’t be bothered, thanks and goodbye. And thanks for the mess, Aziel! You stand there and don’t move” she is not happy; she is really mad. Licking my top lip “alright” I mumbled “fuck me” she huffed out walking off, she is not happy clearly, but I am not sure if that was feeding him or something else “daddy” Aziel said as he made his way over to me as I was about to walk off “Aziel! If you make the floor dirty with you running around I will be mad!” Walking over to Wadz “take my car, you go. I’ll bath him, she seems stressed out” Aziel held my hand “ok, fine. I’ll pick you up, ping me” nodding my head “daddy play ball” I have to laugh because this issue got him in this mess “yeah, and you fell in dirt, come” walking with him “I’ll bath him” I said to Rylee, I don’t think she’s bothered anyways.

Smiling at Aziel “what is that?” I pointed at his top “coco melon!!” He spat “you like coco melon don’t you, well you’re clean now. And you got your new night clothes, do not make a mess!” I pointed “say promise?” I said to him “promise” nodding my head “ok, your bear? Why you holding a bear” he hugged it “mine” getting up from the floor “go and eat then” I said to him, and he ran off “you didn’t have to do that” Rylee said “you seem in a bad mood, sorry for making him a mess. He just jumped in dirt and yeah, that happened” she shrugged “thanks anyways” nodding my head “erm, so what is up? Why do you seem off? You’re upset” she crossed her arms across her chest “nothing, you can eat if you want since there is food left over” I know something is up “Lee?” I said “Neil” I laughed “you want to go on a road trip? You seem like you need it, just maybe like camping?” Rylee laughed “I don’t camp, shut up” rubbing my face “ok but Wales, let’s go there. We can camp, take Aziel and you can tell me what is up? Look before I go back to doing my thing, like meaning music and I get busy, let me spend time with Aziel and you, we can split cooking” she isn’t saying no “can tell something on your mind” she huffed out “what is in Wales?” Good question “scenes” she laughed “two beds” she put two fingers up “double bed” I retorted “Aziel between us” she added “alright, go tonight. Yeah?” She frowned “no, morning. I just need to pack, I mean you can just take Aziel alone” I shook my head “I’m still trying to make it up to you too but also, I just want my family back, alright I’ll sort it out, just be ready” I have no idea where we are going, I need to go back to the apartment and think “ok, if you want too, how many nights? And how long to get there?” Walking off “erm about 4 hours and two nights, first night to keep you warm and the other” I joked “mhmmm fine” this really came out of nowhere, but I feel like she needs a break away or something, it will be nice anyways.

Making my way back over to Rylee, we are currently at a stop over because four hours none stop driving is hell and I needed the bathroom “he’s paying” Rylee pointed at me, pull my ski mask down “am I?” I questioned, looking at the barista “oh” the girl smiled “you are, I got you a Latte” nodding my head, getting my card out. I always tend to wear a mask because then I can move in silence “I love your music” tapping my card “thank you” I said, “that gone through yeah?” She nodded her head, making my way over to Rylee “the baby daddy taking us to Wales” she is videoing herself, throwing up gang signs “I picked Wales because it’s like west, we going to visit every place that begins with W” Rylee side eyed me “you can take me to a nice holiday, a place that starts with W with a beach” she looked at me, squinting my eyes “there is no country that begins with W though” I said “shut up, there is” shaking my head “swear down” she stopped the video “I bet there is, if I find something you’re paying” she pointed “fine, do it but I know it” the barista shouted Neil, looking at Rylee and she looked around herself “what?” she is so annoying “that is mine” I said smiling “Central Cee” I laughed “yeah, do you know who this one is though?” I pointed, the guy looked at her “no” I snorted laughing taking my Latte “you in my country, come Aziel” waving him over, she tried to get me but she ain’t get me, not on my watch. Looking behind me, Rylee is dragging her feet, she a little annoyed now but I got her there, calling me Neil. Picking up Aziel and walking down the steps with him “careful” placing him down, squinting my eyes seeing that a car is fully playing my song which made me laugh. Unlocking my car “here” making my way to the car, opening the car door “climb in” Rylee finally joined us “he actually said he knew me, and he called me beautiful, don’t ever play me again” rolling my eyes “take that for me” I pulled a face “hey” I knew that Barista would be back “can I have a picture please” nodding my head “sure, what is your name?” I asked “Emma” I chuckled “Emma, cute name” the car that had my song on drove by and then a sharp break “oh boy” I mumbled, this is going to be long.

We have like a good hour left to get there “so you going to tell me what happened yesterday, why was you all mad and stuff?” turning the music down a little “just my mom getting at me, she called well you know because you said what you said, she offered me to work in Savage, sleep wear and really I don’t want it. Let Ti do it, she is so hell bent on making sure she gets it, and that she is the one, I don’t care. So we just went back and forth, and my mom snapped that I have done nothing for me, I am like the disappointment, I done nothing, practically lost Dior and all they want is Aziel. I am living off the money they gave me, just a lot of things and I just said it. She rang again to say sorry, but I said I just don’t care for LA, I am sick of seeing people and seeing that oh I shouldn’t be a mother, I have destroyed myself, just sick of that look on their face. I really don’t care for it, the more I grow the more I see that nah, I don’t want it anymore. I don’t need their pity, so I was annoyed” she got her family politics going on “damn” I breathed out “but like you said that you was waiting for him to be like three, when he goes into nursery or whatever, this has nothing to do with them Rylee. Your mom gave you that money because she saved that for you, she shouldn’t bite at you about it. You should do you, you here now really not because of me like it was, you’re here because you want to be here, it’s changed right?” Looking over at her “exactly that, I do need to do something though” she said “how about you help with my clothing line, that is coming out soon? I literally have so many female fans that you would be good in regards to what they would wear? I’ll pay you minimum wage, that’s like ten pound fifty” she hit my arm “that is so sweet of you, I’ll think about it. At the end of the day, that’s your baby. But if you need help I can do that” she offered “if you help then that means you work for us, pick and choose” she can’t be saying that now, she either does it or doesn’t do it.

[sweetish-original-story]

Chapter 21

(TW racism mention)

Lying in the bath again, Samuela wasted the night away on her phone, hopping between gaming applications back and forth, like an animal swinging their head around in an old fashioned zoo, slowly going mad as their disconnection with time withered them down to the bone. She reminisced on her school days when they first watched the documentary on that. She remembered crying, asking why the people of the past did such things entraping such majestic and powerful creatures in such small and caged environments. The grootslang was especially heartbreaking. Her teacher, in a rare moment of humanity, admitted to her, "Sometimes its easy to se something different and call it...slow. In the past we looked at these animals and thought they wouldn't even notice what we did to them."

Of course, as a teacher and a role model, she had to keep her composure. "And it took a long, long time-" she spouted, while wiping off her dress of some invisible dust. "-But now things have changed and we are better than our ancestors. No longer do we hold them in cages and force them to mate for pelts. Our country is better, stronger, and more blessed than it ever has been. The abuse is OVER. And we prosper because we put it the work. Just follow our leaders and trust our superiors, and all of your dreams WILL come true. Remember that."

Back then she looked so tall and elegant. Now she just seemed...rehearsed. How many times had she given that very same line to every class she taught. She was violently ripped out of this memory by the buzz of her phone, who could possibly be calling at...4 am?

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey D. Its kinda late, why are you calling?"

"No reason I just, uh, I wanted to hear your voice."

His voice was wrong. It sounded shaken. Like he was in an oncoming earthquake. There was none of that stonelike strength she was so familiar with.

"Dulce, are you alright? I can come get you-"

"No, no that's not really necessary..."

"Come on, thats not fair, you get to help me but I can't help you when you need it?"

She stood up from the bath. "I saw on the reports where you live. Not to be a stalker or anything. "

"Please, isn't it your job do stalk me? Ha ha..."

"THERE'S the snark I remember."

Even his laugh seemed weak. She dried herself off quick and threw together whatever she could grab off the shelf. For fifteen minutes she openly described her routine, desperately trying to fill the near silence coming from the other side of the call. Her heart beat nearly out of her chest between the long waits between his "Uh huh"s and "That's crazy"s. She was dressed like a cheap lady of the night, hair in a more tham messy, greasy updo. She was wearing an old horror manga shirt, a pair of red leather pants, some chuncky black heels and her pink flamingo robe.

Flamingo. Grootslang. Lipstick. She needs Lipstick.

"Hey which one, blue or red?" Sammy tried to ask a question to snap him out of his trance.

"Huh?" He asked dumbly. He really had stopped listening a few minutes ago. She expanded the question. "Should I go with blue or red? I can wear whatever because its illegal for paparazzi to bother us at night."

"Oh uh..." he took a second to find the words, to remember the language. ANY language. "Either is fine."

In that moment Samuela felt foolish for even bringing up the question. She decided to forgo it altogether. She grabbed her keys in silence and hopped into her other car. This one drove badly, and it was ungodly flashy but the buses dont run at night.

During the ride she kept hopping back and forth between subjects. Anime trailers, manhua recommendations, paperwork. As she pulled into an old cul de sac, she felt something off. The buildings were old and broken down. She hadnt driven THAT far. They were made of cement and wood, nothing like the cozy steel and marble of home. Sure there are some traditional districts but she never thought they actually lived in them.

"Im about to pull up to your house now Dulce."

But she didn't. There was no house. There was only ashes. Ashes and paint and a little pile of shivering goo being wiped off with towels and fire trucks everywhere. That pile looked like Dulce, but it couldn't be him, because he looked small. Scared.

Sammy was already at his side before she could even process the fact that she got out of the car.

She couldn't hear anything over the alarms. He was delirious, but unscarred. Firemen explained what happened, but all noise and time was a blur. She was running back and forth demanding justice. Dulce on the other hand, kept his head low and his arms crossed. When Sammy came back to him and guided him to her car, his arms unfolded and revealed a little pink bird, too scared to make even a peep. She didnt know he had a bird. She wanted to speak, but her attention was caught by the message on the grass behind him. In large white letters she could clearly make out the words "GO HOME MUDS".

She nearly threw up.

[catharsiswritings]

Sunflowers

How do you deal with a sister who has, as far as you know, never demonstrated sincere regret for any of her actions at any point in her life? This is someone who feels no remorse, no guilt, and if you try to respond to her bad behavior- her response is/was an indignant rage.

When she was younger she was downright sadistic. She's destroy things just to torment me, steal money from me without any remorse and when confronted she's sort of smile with flippant indifference and tell me to "fuck off" or worse, return my anger with her own hateful rage. She'd scream every epithet at me she could think of.

Despite today outwardly being very progressive, she is the only person in my family to ever called me a f**g**. She did it on many occasions, usually when mad at me. She would call things I like "gay" in a pejorative way. She would mock me, and she did this usually because she was just annoyed with me one way or the other. Maybe I was playing piano too loudly or too much, maybe I being an annoying 10 year old kid. Either way, those hateful words stuck with me. I've never forgotten them, or the mocking way she would say it. I can hear the words now, even in my (late?!) thirties.

That was, mind you, 25 years ago. The late 90s and early 2000s were different. Being gay was still incredibly taboo. People didn't talk about it openly in suburban America. Of course I was, and am gay, but I didn't really know it then. So when my sister spewed that vitriolic "Gaaaay!" or "F**G**!" at me, I was really burned into my mind. I don't think Liz was particularly homophobic as a teenager, she probably didn't care, but what Liz did want to do was hurt me. She delighted in trying to hurt me.

I'd play piano a lot as a kid. I'm sure it was annoying to her. Hell it'd be annoying to anyone in the house. My favorite composer was, and still is Debussy. I remember how she loved to mock me by saying "Debussy was gaaaaay", "Piano is gay". Again, I don't think she cared, she was just trying to get a rise out of me. But that was really mild. That was nothing. When she really showed her true colors was when she'd try to slam the piano keyboard cover down on my fingers. She tried to do that a couple of times until she actually hit my fingers one time (I didn't dodge it fast enough like I had the first few times). It hurt like hell and when I screamed at her she backed down and left. I think the only reason she left was because she was worried she'd get in trouble for actually hurting me. I was fine, the wooden keyboard cover had just bonked my fingers pretty badly, but it was blunt and not so heavy, so by itself it didn't cause any damage. Had she done what she had before, when was slam it closed with her arm, she could have probably broken my fingers.

The little gay boy I was, I loved gardening, and most of all I loved sunflowers. I loved how big almost tropical they seemed, and how massive their flowers were. I wanted nothing more than to grow rows and rows of giant sunflowers as a kid. I tried growing them a lot as a kid. The cool and rainy Seattle climate didn't really do them any favors and usually the slugs would get to them before they could establish. Every now and then though, they'd actually grow. I grew a row of them on the back fence. Some of them actually took off and bloomed. And then, right when they were starting to bloom, someone took scissors to them and cut their heads right off. I was devastated. This sensitive little gay boy cried. My sister blamed the neighbor girl Barbara. I was mad about it but part of me wondered if Barbara actually did it. I hardly knew her, why would she do that on someone else's property?

The next year it happened again. Cut down before I could ever see them bloom. That confirmed it, I knew it wasn't Barbara. It was Liz. Liz just wanted to see me cry again. Again, she just wanted to hurt me. I was angry, but I knew if I let her know it was her, she's react not with guilt, not with remorse, but with rage. I couldn't let her know I was angry, so I buried it, because if I let her know I was angry, she's make my life hell.

I didn't try growing sunflowers again until she moved out, and I never planted them with the same exuberance . After she moved out and before I went to college I was able to enjoy a couple of years of flowering sunflowers.

I understand that as developing children we all have varying levels of empathy and understanding for others. Usually kids are pretty self-centered and lack empathy when really young, and as I understand it, as their brains develop, so does their ability to understand other points of view and empathize for others. Some people never develop this. There's a fair number of people remain devoid of empathy their whole lives. Liz was in her teens when the above mentioned things happened.

I wonder often how much I'm like her. We share most of the same genes I figure. A few years ago she mentioned that her DNA test said she had the "warrior gene". Might I have the same borderline sociopathic tendencies that she does? I have to remind myself that there are lots of things I regret in life, people I have hurt and regret hurting, and mistakes that I wish I could undo. I also have empathy for the pain of other folks. But all the same, I try to keep this in my mind- don't be like her. Don't act like she does.

I own a house with my partner now. I'm trying to figure out a good place to plant some sunflowers next year.

[geminai-ramblez]

NAGA AU DYNAMICS!! pt.1

HELLO! IT'S AGAIN!!!! >:D

As you see for the title of this post it's about dynamics. This will be quite a long post so buckle up! (Also a few funny moments sprinkled here and there.)

Relationship Dynamics:

Bakugou & Izuku

Bakugou and Izuku have a brotherly bond.

Izuku looked up at Bakugou when growing up like in canon their relationship became strain and estrange.

In this AU, Izuku picks up some of Bakugou's habits and henceforth he isn't the best when it comes to emotional stuff. Like at all.

A funny thing I thought about was Izuku trying and failing to comfort a crying child and made things worse.

He's very awkward when it comes to friendships because of his relationship with Bakugou but you cannot tell me Bakugou would be that passive aggressive friend that wouldn't tolerate you talking bad about yourself. They both share that trait.

"You're fucking hopeless you know that? Next time I'll not be helping you with your fucking algebra homework! (He will.) Now from the fucking top Shitty Hair what is the square root of 56?!"

"Of course, you can't do shit because your lazy ass won't move from the goddamn floor. Get the fuck up Lavender Dreams because we're making you suffer the nine rings of hell personally to move your unmotivated tired ass."

Forgot to mention he [Izuku] definitely picked up the nickname thing as well and will mostly never call someone by their name unless he respects them.

That's how I imagine he would support someone in his own way. (Despite the insults he throws at them.)

He definitely swear more openly but censors it when there are children nearby and around his mother. But Mamá Midoriya knows her child picked up on the Bakugou's swearing. She's just glad Izuku knows when to censor himself (unlike someone).

When Katsuki calls Izuku, "Izuku," rather than 'Deku' Izuku almost cries right then and there because this is the Katsuki he knew. This is the Katsuki that he admired.

Izuku cares very deeply for Katsuki despite the estrangement they have for each other. It's like a sibling you hate them but you love them at the same time. It's like you can't survive without the other around. (And this is if you created a bond with them since not all sibling relationships are like this. Cough, cough Dabi, Todoroki cough, cough.)

During the sludge villain accident Izuku almost, and I mean, almost tries to tear the heroes and the sludge villain apart. This is one of the rare moments where Izuku actually does get mad. Yes, he's snappy and rude but never really mad, the Sludge Villain is like one of the first instances where he's openly mad and ready for blood.

The War Arc where Shigaraki stabs Katsuki is close second with the Training Camp running for third.

My reasoning is because while Izuku was definitely mad about the whole kidnapped Bakugou thing. He was more paranoid and helpless than mad given the context.

Shinsou & Izuku

Izuku at first just finds Shinsou as a neutral and tired dude. They find no kinship other than self respect for the other as they both transfered into the hero course. (Much to Shinsou's surprise.)

Izuku has made it very clear that he wishes to not be a hero. So, seeing that Izuku is with Shinsou to catch up with their classmates with after school training with Eraserhead is a shocker.

Shinsou even asks why and Izuku just deflects the question much to Shinsou's dismay.

As they train together (you cannot tell me Shinsou was internally fanboying for a bit after meeting and training under his idol) they become more comfortable around the other.

As comfortable as Izuku and Shinsou would allow the other. They are very serious when it comes to their training.

Izuku doesn't state it but Shinsou can guess Izuku doesn't like Aizawa at all by the blank expression he gives the man. And the almost displeasure he has on his face when just Aizawa presence agitates the former. (Izuku's just there for the training. Not trying to view Aizawa as a mentor or a teacher.)

During one of their breaks that Aizawa enforces them to do. They talk (Shinsou usually initiates because Izuku will never talk to Shinsou unless he has to despite being in the same class as him) and during one of their conversations Shinsou asks Izuku how he keeps up with Aizawa.

That's when Shinsou is met face flat to the floor as Izuku is coiled up to him like a snake. Shinsou diacovers how Izuku can keep up much longer than he can against the Eraserhead. And then a friendship is bloom.

After that Aizawa finds them talking casually and enjoying each other's presence. (He cries internally because he has been trying to get Izuku to like him or at least tolerate him for weeks now. Weeks.)

They share an interest in heroics (Shinsou realize this after getting to know Izuku and figuring him out) and bond over their need to catch up. Aizawa scolds them a lot about overworking and slowing down for just a bit.

Shinsou spams Izuku with cat memes and three am thoughts. While Izuku forces Shinsou to sleep when they eventually have dorms.

Izuku basically looks out for Shinsou (even though he isn't any better in the taking care of himself) but they balance each other out. Izuku looks out for Shinsou while Shinsou looks out for Izuku.

They view each other as family. Big brother & little brother dynamic if they were to admit it to the other. (Izuku being the older brother while Shinsou the younger brother.) Or just best friends but best friends are basically family at this point so-.

Side note: I just find it funny when the younger sibling towers over older one. (Yes, even my own sibling is passing me in height and I don't agree with that logic.)

"Hey, so - I know you're asleep but like how did humans create a wide range of languages and knew they were right? Like did they just say random gibberish till it sounded right and said 'Yeah, this sounds like French.'"

Later that day, "Shinsou. Hitoshi. I swear to everything that isn't holy I will personally make you see God if I find out you didn't just text me at 3:23 in the goddamn morning and give me that text as a sign of your slow ass brain going backwards in time and not going to sleep."

"... Holy shit; I'm terrified."

Tsu & Izuku

When the first met Izuku was still disdained about being anywhere near Class 1-A, especially, Bakugou.

Izuku's remarks on them were brutally honest and in Tsu's opinion even some of his comments were harmful.

Tsu, initially didn't like Izuku/had no opinion over him.

It stayed like that till Izuku and Shinsou were told to integrate with the hero course because both of their applications were being considered. Which meant both interacted more with the Hero classes and were "shadowing."

What I mean is that Izuku and Shinsou (since the board didn't want to separate them) follow either Class 1-A or 1-B in their activities and watch from the sidelines on what they're doing.

No, they couldn't participate since they are legally and technically Gen-Ed students and therefore couldn't do whatever the hero classes were doing unless said otherwise.

This cause both of them to interact more with the hero course and where most of Tsu's interactions with Izuku began to take shape.

When they interacted Tsu was one of the few that rebuttal and proved to Izuku that they were more than what he remarks.

Whenever there was a remark Tsu (+ Iida) was more likely to respond back to Izuku which lead to some pretty funny moments.

"Shut the fuck up amphibian, I wasn't asking for your opinion."

"And no one told the reptile to open his mouth."

After Izuku mellows, Tsu and Izuku can actively have a civil conservation without having to rebuttal each other comments.

They share a common interest on bluntly (read as roast to a few) stating facts.

They bicker with each other (mostly Izuku because it ends up being a one-sided roast battle.)

Their dynamic falls under Big sister and little brother. (Tsu being the big sister and Izuku being the little brother.)

Izuku tends to act more childish (subconsciously) whenever Tsu's around. It's like he knows that she can be trusted and unintentionally looks for her opinions on matters he doesn't understand.

Neither of them enjoy cold seasons.

During winter, Izuku seriously covers himself up and when asked why he just blinks at them while Tsu explains why. (They're both cold-blooded and tend to function slower than usual during winter/colder seasons.)

Tsu can read Izuku better than anyone else (minus Inko.) Follow up would be Shinsou and Katsuki in third.

Izuku tends to share his stuff with Tsu most often and one time they were caught sharing a blanket. Not that neither of them knew because they were passed out and cold.

Those are the ones I was able to conjure whenever I thought of this AU and I know it's just three but there will be more! I promise!

I'm currently conjuring the Adult version so there will be more parts in the future. I have the names and currently drawing a piece for the nagas which will come at some point but nowhere near currently.

School already started so I'll be posting slower than usual but I wanted to get this out so- :>

Anyway, bye-bye! See you next time! (Don't come after me and my horrible Grammer :'D)

[appliedpsychedelics]

I think I am driving myself insane.

I used to allow any passing thoughts to take space in my mind and then fade out, but now it's like, I'm consciously prompting thoughts around the topic, because it's like, something I'm interested in, kinda like my passing interest in construction vehicles... An interest, something that brings some sort of excitement into my life, in which every day feels pretty damn similar and sometimes I wonder why I keep pushing through these empty days.

I really wish I was better, socially. Being so alone, it hurts a lot, but also I'm too afraid to say a word to other kids. I won't even do group work in LA class... I remember at the start of the course i asked the teacher to make an effort to include a lot of group work, because I wanted to make friends. And now I can't even do it. I want friends, but socially I just shut down. It doesn't seem worth how panicked I can get. I always stress about people thinking I'm being weird. I don't know how to interact socially in a way that makes people LIKE me.

But as a result of that, I've been pretty much alone all the time. It's just me. My family, sure, I talk to them, but they barely even know me. I really have to watch what I say around them and I mostly just try to get interactions with them "done and over with" so I can go do drugs alone.

I think I treat a lot of stuff in my life as something to try and finish up with quickly so that I can do like, the same 4 things. The only things that bring me joy. Drugs, talking to my friends and bf online, playing with my dolls / making them clothes, and uhh, drawing. Art. But uh, I only do art at school to pass the time nowadays. I feel really uninspired. I only draw Boys now because it's the only things I can draw that doesn't look absolutely fucking soulless. I feel really bad that I can never come up with stuff to draw, because art is like, supposed to be something I'm good at.

Even if I haven't felt actual sexual attraction for at least a few days now, maybe a week or two??? Three? (I'm bad with memory and time and keeping track of stuff like what day it is), i still label myself in this admittedly alienating way., Boylover ,

I think the reason I can't let GO of it is because it's just so hated by the world. If I felt like I could openly express my thoughts, and not get sent to a mental hospital or beat to within an inch of my life, then maybe I would stop obsessing.

I think I just obsess over things so much more once I realize I can't have them.

My dad changed my bedsheets from dinosaur ones to plain ones and I never paid much attention to it but I think this whooooole idea of BL, in relation to me... It's just an obsession with childhood. My childhood, the one that has parts I miss and parts I want to do over. It's so so complicated, the whole thing. My parents don't agree with my narration of my childhood, but that is my true honest narration of it. I do recall painful moments. Some of them were around my gender or my "attraction". Around the fact that I'll never be a boy. I was never a boy. But I always wanted to be one, I literally remember packing when I was so so so so young...,

I can't help but wonder, if this thing I'm grappling with now is just the corpse of myself, as a child, standing up straight and staring me right in the eyes and saying, "I'm here, I always was here, and you can't keep ignoring me because I'll eat you up inside, one way or another..."

I don't know. I've just been in a lot of emotional pain lately. I don't understand how my brain works, why it thinks the way it does, and it's killing me. And I'm so sick of ignoring my feelings. If I feel sad, I shouldn't feel afraid to cry, because someone might know how I feel and disapprove, get angry. If my dad meant any of the bs he likes to say to me, I wouldn't be afraid to cry when I was sad. Hiding my pain makes me even sadder because I'm doing it so people don't get mad at me, but nobody should be mad at me for crying??? But that's just how it's always been for me.

I just feel like if I could go back and somehow get people to be kinder to my childhood self, if I could get my parents to allow me to crossdress and stuff, maybe I would've just grown out of it. But now I'm like some Freudian Penis Envy Nightmare....

I should probably just give up. Why do I push through every day, every hour.... To face yet another day that's exactly the same, the very next morning? Why do I even try to do good ? Why, what's the point? I should like, dump all my money,, ALL MY MONEY , an insane amount, on Molly, and OD. My friend said you could OD on it. If I OD, everyone will really care about me. They'll love me. They'll never shut up about how much they love me, because I'll be dead, and everyone loves to say nice things about dead boys, right? Sometimes I listen to videos online of parents discussing their son's death. They get so emotional. They really do care. I want people to be emotional like that over me. I want people to care about me so intensely like that, that they cry, I want people to feel pain about my death, I want them to feel culpable as well, which I suppose is really evil and selfish but I just need my parents to somehow understand that the things I remember from my childhood are real, they're painful, they DID affect me. I need them to understand, somehow, that my death was preventable. I want them to think long and hard about all the things they could've done differently. I want everyone around me to think about it. They probably won't care, nobody at school would care, but I would hope they'd notice the empty chair or name redacted from the attendance list. I would hope they'd put two and two together. They wouldn't be sad, but , I hope I could at least shock them. Get them to think about me a bit, if they even know who I am, if they could even remember my face or name. I just want people to notice my absence and wish I hadn't died. Notice my absence and I guess, realize that they did like having me around while I was there .. or something.

Not that it would work out that way. In my fantasy, everyone is in mourning over my death. In real life, I doubt most people would notice or care. Just my parents and stuff. But even then, they would never blame themselves. They NEVER blame themselves for anything. They don't even consider that their parenting may have been too harsh. My father says he wished he was more strict and made me conform to female gender stereotypes MORE .. so I didn't turn out this way. He doesn't realize that his instinct to force the gender non conformity out of me is what made me "trans" or "detrans" or whatever the fuck.

Im just so so so so so UPSET AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE !!!! what's the point , if I can't ever be a real little boy? What's the point, if I never talk to anyone, if every day is the same, if school is difficult because I'm retarded, what's the POINT??? Why am I here if I'm just gonna suffer, really? Anyone even one degree below completely psycho would kill me, to send me away from my life thats just this constant mental and emotional strain. It's too too much and I can't take it anymore I can't. I don't want to stay here anymore I'm fucking done with everyone. I don't want to stay here. I want to escape. I want to be loved. I want to die. Lol.

[thatblackravenclaw]

Breaking My Heart

Masterlist

Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

word count: 991

warning(s): angst, cheating, major character death, no happy ending, no part two, not proofread bc I'm lazy :)

I fall in love too easily. I fall in love too fast. I fall in love too terribly hard for love to ever last. I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different. I knew she was no good for me, yet I decided to keep pursuing her.

It’s going to take a while to get over this. I can’t believe she’s gone, but it’s better this way. We could have been so good together, but I guess I wasn’t good enough. I now have to see her at work every day. I’m not going to stop being an Avenger just because we broke up.

I’m glad I decided not to live at the compound. I know we get our own rooms in stuff, but Stark tends to have parties for no reason and my social battery drains fast and sometimes you just want some peace and quiet, like right now as I’m getting ready.

We have a mission today so I get ready a little faster. Nothing too fancy just enough to be comfortable. Once I’m finished, I look out the window, preparing myself for having to see her again. I used to get so excited just hearing her name, but now? Now I feel like I’m going to throw up. I want to be mad. I want to hate her, but it’s just not in me.

-.-.-.-

I make sure to say hi to everyone as I make my way to the briefing room, trying not to let on how tired I really am. I go on autopilot as I stand in the elevator. No one else is in there, but there’s cameras, so I make sure to keep my composure. I see my reflection in the mirror and see no emotion in my face or my eyes. I hope it stays that way when I eventually have to see her.

The door opens and the first thing I see her and Sharon kissing outside of the briefing room. First, she cheats on me and then she openly kisses the girl she cheated on me with. Great. I walk past them and go sit down. I play on my phone until I see someone in my peripheral vision sit next to me. I quickly glance and see Clint. His eyes are full of sincerity. I curtly nod my head no. I’m glad our friendship has come to a level where he understands. He gives me an understanding nod before squeezing my hand as the meeting starts.

“Nothing too big today. We just need to get information from Hydra’s database.” I hear Tony say.

I doodle on my notepad, not feeling the need to really listen.

I’m not sure how much time passes but I hear my name even in my spaced-out state.

“You will be putting the information on the hard drive while Nat stands guard. Sam and I will be waiting in the quinjet in case back up is needed.”

Clint tenses up next to me. I nod my head and get up with everyone else as we’re dismissed and go put on my suit.

-.-.-.-

“You gonna be okay?” I hear from behind me.

I take out my knives and put them into the pocket that’s on my thigh. When I’m finished, I look up at Clint with a smirk.

“Oh, come on, don’t lose faith in my abilities now.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do, but I can’t think about that right now. Bringing Hydra down is more important than my wreck of a love life.”

He walks up to me and hugs me.

“God, Clint. This is gay.”

“Be safe. You’re good at what you do, but you’re also reckless.”

I wrap my arms around his waist, hugging him back. The atmosphere shifts. Clint never hugs me. I don’t think he hugs anyone to be honest. It takes everything in me not to cry as I pull back.

“You’re the best of us.” I say looking at him in the eye. I walk out of the room as I feel my tear ducts well up.

-.-.-.-

The ride is pretty quick. I sit in the co-pilot sit so I don’t have to be by Natasha. It’s bad enough that we have to be by each other while I download the stuff to the drive. Steve is flying and has not stopped apologizing. It seems that more people knew about the break up than I thought. I told him it’s not his fault that we got paired up. Our talent is about the same level, so it just makes sense.

-.-.-

Steve has given us the all clear, so Nat and I sneak up to the fifth floor. No one was guarding it, which I found a bit suspicious, but didn’t think too much on since I just wanted to get this mission over with.

I put the drive into the thing and wait. It’s taking longer than I’d like, but I should’ve expected nothing less.

“Y/N/N, BEHIND YOU!” Nat says.

I take my knife out of its pocket and just stab whoever behind me. I guess Natasha had the same idea, but she misses and hits me instead.

I look down at the knife in me, near my heart as I hear the other person’s body drop behind me. My eyes move up to Nat to see her already starting towards me. The feeling in my legs quickly flee and I proceed to fall.

She moves my head onto her lap, tears in her eyes.

“Man, first you break my heart and then try to stab it? You must really have it out for me.” Dry humor escaping my lips.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean- he was behind you and I thought I got him I-“ She quivers out. Tears clearly down her face.

“Shh. I know. I forgive you.” I say. The last thing I say.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

LO$ER=?, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: Life is just a path and you walk it. Until Jeon Jungkook. He made you run, sprinting through winding side roads and alleys, fighting, bleeding, losing. Your paths split, but life is made of orbits. Now that they have overlapped once more, his hand is fiercely holding yours and he won't let go again. Nothing matters if he's with you. Thus, you run once more, laughing like you've gone mad.

continuation of 0X1=?, m | jjk – click here to read

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mentions of sexual assault (not heavily described, however, please note reader is the victim of said assault); actually predominantly fluff; mentions of previous angst; mentions of physical fighting; smut (fem reader, fingering, cowgirl, scratching / marking, penetrative sex); non-idol!BTS - tattooed, previously rich!Jungkook x rebellious!reader (mostly reader's POV, a tiny bit of JK's POV), ft cameo of Kim Taehyung as JK’s best friend and crossover with 'bao, t/m | myg' au

yes, I waited until the TXT's 'LO$ER=LO♡ER' was released to write this XD there's a ton of TXT references as well, enjoy!

--

now playing – LO$ER=LO♡ER by txt

"Jeon Jungkook! Yah! Jeon Jungkook! Come out of that whore's home!"

You were about to remove the groceries from your front seat, but then you stopped at the shouting, peering up at the second story of the apartment complex to see… ah, yes, a young woman yelling at your front doorstep. One look at the imported, Western, black car with heavily tinted windows and you were well aware that the woman in a matching designer two-piece – a ruffled pink suit jacket and flared skirt – complete with immaculately pulled back hair in a half-ponytail must be...

She turned around, fuming, pretty features twisted in rage, and screamed in frustration.

You quickly jerked your head back out of her line of sight and clicked your tongue.

Your boyfriend's ex-fiancé had some lungs on her.

You waited until she finished shrieking like a banshee and peered out to see her spin on her heel and return to pounding on your apartment door with her small, manicured fists. You spotted her beige, black cap-toed slender heels.

Chanel.

Huh.

You stayed in your car.

Reached over to your bag and pulled out the single ice cream you bought to share with Jungkook but, at this rate, you would have to buy another. You pulled off the cap and folded it in half, curving it like a spoon, and began to eat the mango sorbet. Hm, well, it was better this way. Jungkook would probably prefer chocolate or straight up diabetes over mango sorbet.

He would eat pretty much anything though.

You scooped up some of the frigid, melting sweet into your mouth and watched his ex-fiancé shout at no one.

True, you could go up there and throw her down the stairs. But there was something hilarious about this, her beating and howling at your apartment door, completely ignoring the fact that no one was answering it and that she was very clearly causing a public disturbance, all because of her own personal problem.

You glanced up to watch her slide down the door, openly crying now. You pressed the button of your car window to roll it down a crack to listen to her sobbing above you.

"–can't believe you would do this to me... you know I need this marriage... my family's company depends on it..."

You slowed, licking off your makeshift spoon.

"I'll be left with nothing... nothing unless I get married..."

Crocodile tears or not, the woes of the rich did not earn much sympathy with you.

You rolled your window back up, leaving your car on idle for the air conditioning.

It was a mix of previously being constantly berated by Jungkook's wealthy parents that now exiled him over a fucking eyebrow piercing and being a member of the working, lower middle class. For some reason, that latter fact was also offensive to Jungkook’s parents. Everyone was accepting until money got involved. You hummed, eating another scoop. You didn’t like it, but you understood that his parents wouldn’t believe that you have no interest in their money. What you didn't understand was why his ex-fiancé was so hellbent on yelling at your door. From what you could tell, she wasn't ugly. Couldn't she find someone else?

You scraped the last of your small ice cream out and ate it up.

You checked your phone.

Jungkook wouldn't be out of work for at least another three hours. You had found him a job at the local bao shop through your own job as an accountant. You assisted the family in sorting the finances for their small business and personal tax forms. The owner had back surgery and so the daughter had been working there by herself with one other employee that delivered the orders. They wanted to hire another to help with cooking and cleaning, perhaps even open up the front counter again to accept pick-up orders instead of only delivery. However, it was hard to find someone trustworthy and reliable. The best way was through word of mouth.

They won't mind my tattoos?

Whenever I drop by, the delivery guy is wearing a leather jacket, ripped jeans, and has a resting bitch face. You'll be fine. Also, I think the daughter and him are dating.

Jungkook had blinked at you.

You know. In case they disappear for ten minutes, unexplained.

You loved Jungkook's laugh.

He didn't complain or whine for some other job. He only asked when he started and how to get there. You bought him a secondhand bicycle and he was off to work, five to six days a week. Sometimes you would drop him off with your car if was too rainy. Occasionally, when he had to stay late for a large order, the delivery guy would drive Jungkook and his bike back home.

That's how it was here, in the world of everyone else, minus the rich.

The fuck is all this?

Manager gave me a bunch of leftovers. She said I'm a fast learner. Did you know Taehyung stops by there? He's never said shit! He said it was his little secret, that ass–

You smiled as you remembered Jungkook's animated face and annoyance at his best friend for not sharing what he thought was crucial information. Jungkook would speak excitedly, hauling a bag of buns and spilling them over your clean kitchen counter, scrambling to catch them as he explained the different ones to you and how they were made, telling you all the things he was learning and funny stories about customers.

You almost forgot this Jungkook.

It was strange, feeling something after such a long time of feeling nothing, strange to find your time occupied once again by him, when at many times you vowed not to get involved with Jungkook anymore, only for him to show up and make you throw your promises to yourself to the wind, recklessly chasing the anger, wondering, hating, loathing how much you still loved him after he left, recalling him standing there, stone silent as his parents' verbal lashes ripped you to shreds.

You turned the car off, pulling the keys out and pocketing them, not wanting to the drain the battery.

Maybe.

Maybe you were stupid for loving him so much.

Maybe you were as pathetic as the woman up there in some ways.

Then again.

Maybe that was just how everyone lived.

You heard a soft tap by your car window.

You jerked your head to see Jeon Jungkook, in the flesh, peering at you through the glass, clutching his bike. You could see half of his head, short black hair and large, curious brown eyes, nose pressed up to the bottom of your car window. He was wearing his work clothes, light wash jeans and an aqua blue t-shirt, lightly dusted in flour. He pointed up and you noticed his ex-fiancé had switched back to yelling at the door, no longer facing the street.

You shooed him back and opened the car door, eyes wide.

"Why are you home?" you whispered, crouching down to speak to him.

He grabbed your hand, gasping as he gripped it. You shivered at the coldness of his fingers, but there was a warmth in between your and his frozen palms, melting each other.

"Oh, shit, your hand is so cold!"

"So is yours!"

"I was biking! My hands get cold from the wind. What's your excuse?"

You held up the empty mango sorbet container in your other hand, shifting your eyes guiltily.

"And you didn't share?!" Jungkook hissed, his windswept hair giving him a fierce appearance, dismay clear in his glistening dark brown orbs despite trying to sound angry.

You spied his other hand on his bike. There was a large, wrapped bandage on his left forearm. You ticked your chin towards it, furrowing your brows. "What happened?"

"Ack, I burned myself and manager-nim told me to go home early. I told her I could still work, but there were only a few hours left and it seemed like she wanted to be alone with Yoongi-hyung..."

You raised your eyebrows.

"What are they gonna do, bonk in the kitchen?"

"You wouldn't want to bonk me in the kitchen?"

You grinned at him and Jungkook grinned back, eyebrow piercing flashing in the sun.

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

"Oh shit–"

You scrambled out of your car, locking it, slamming the door as the young woman wailed his name and pointed at you and him, furiously wiping her tears.

"You bitch! How dare you take him from me! He was mine! I had him wrapped around my finger!" She hiked up her skirt and swiftly power-walked to the stairs, looking back to yell more at you as Jungkook placed his bicycle down. "He would do anything for me!"

You raised your eyebrows, again.

Jungkook yanked on your t-shirt sleeve, ushering you to get on the bike with him.

"Doesn't seem like it!" you called back casually, chucking your trash at her, causing the empty ice cream container to smack her in the shoulder and roll across the sidewalk.

"You–"

You cackled and got on the bike, hooking your arms around Jungkook's shoulders and adjusting your feet as she stomped up to you two, conventionally attractive features contorted in rage.

"He was my dog!"

Your eye twitched.

"You were gonna marry a freak who was into bestiality? No wonder you left," you remarked, patting him on the chest as Jungkook burst out laughing, loud and rich, shaking his head.

"You can't do this to me, Jungkook! You can't leave me with that other guy!"

You felt it.

Pause.

You felt Jungkook stiffen under your hands and you turned yourself, hearing the helpless plea in her voice now, throwing herself to the ground, designer knees in common dirt, anguish on her face, tears streaming down her made-up cheeks, sniffling hard, and, with your breath lodged in your throat, you realized she was restraining her pained sobs, so trained in maintaining appearances that it seemed like she couldn’t even cry properly in front of others.

"You can't... you know how they are... I can't marry him, you saw what kind of man he is... that's the whole reason I tried to find another husband..."

There was no more anger in her voice, only fear and dread, and you didn't understand, and yet you could for some reason, for some reason you could see it as if it was tangible, the realness in her enigmatic words. Jungkook's hands tightened on the handlebars of the bicycle, his knuckles turning white, tense shoulders under your arms, and for a second, a moment, an instant...

You thought he might go back.

"You should run."

The crying woman on the ground lifted her head, hiccupping, cheeks blotchy pink, still somehow beautiful.

"W-What?"

Jungkook turned his head and looked down at her. "You should run away, like I did. Find someone who actually loves you. Getting married to me will only make both of us miserable, even if it saves you from that other guy."

She looked from you to him, and you recognized that look in her eyes, jealousy and envy, but not directed at you. It was directed at the warmth between the coldness of his hands and yours, directed at the orbits of his and yours finally overlapping, meeting in the vastness of space once more, his zero and your zero becoming one, not you, but his ability to throw everything away, his wealth, his comfort, the world he knew, all for a feeling she had yet to feel.

"What... what if I can't?" she asked weakly. "What if I can't find what you have?"

Jungkook lifted his foot off the asphalt and placed it on the pedal. He raised his head, and you found his eyes on yours for a brief moment before casting them back down to his ex-fiancé.

"Then keep running. It's better than being married to him, right?"

He began to turn the handles, about to pedal away.

She screamed after him, words choked with agony.

"Love won't solve our problems, Jungkook!"

You held on tight, chest to his back, fingers clutching in Jungkook's shirt, nose in his hair, his warmth under your cold hands.

"It won't!" he yelled over his shoulder, gaining speed with a grin. "But it sure as hell makes the problems worth shouldering!"

-

“Hey! Get back here!”

You snickered and chucked the plastic bag into the basket connected to the bicycle, jumping on quickly, pedaling away as Jungkook ran after you at top speed, breathless and laughing, his black hair flying back, aqua shirt molding to his muscular chest, long legs sprinting after you and the bike, your grinning face looking back periodically to catch his smile, going not too fast, but still fast enough so he couldn’t quite catch up. Golden hour brought out the tan on his skin and his high cheekbones, both of you tearing out of the gas station at high speed, drawing stares and shaking heads, but neither of you noticed or cared, his booming voice calling your name and you sticking your tongue out at him childishly.

“Watch out!”

You jerked aside and sped past a group of five young men with skateboards, two with shorter black hair, one with long black hair and white highlights, one with ash gray hair, and one platinum blond, all very tall, but you didn’t have time to stop and stare at the impressive height of them, turning into a side alley towards to the creek nearby, avoiding pedestrians, Jungkook following close behind until you got to your destination, grabbing the plastic bag in the basket and throwing the bike down, cackling as Jungkook snatched you from the air, his heart racing against your back as you kicked the air, him still somehow effortlessly carrying you despite sprinting so hard, panting into your hair.

“Get off!”

But instead of letting you go, Jungkook held on tighter, fierce kisses into your neck, wiping his sweat all over you and making you cringe amidst your laughter. It was already late, the sun dipping into the horizon, slowly taking its warmth with it. Water trickled meekly down the creek, barely coating the rock bottom due to the hot summer.

“Stop, stop, the ice cream is melting,” you finally gasped out, shoving Jungkook aside, wiping your neck with the back of your hand, pretending to be disgusted, but Jungkook just grinned and seized your cheeks, pressing his lips against yours.

“I love you,” he breathed.

“Ack, I love you too, fuck, get off–”

-

You two sat on the swings of the empty playground, watching the sun disappear, eating ice cream with the lids of the containers. As predicted, Jungkook got the chocolate that seemed to have everything in it but the kitchen sink. You, on the other hand, got red bean this time.

“Hey, Jungkook.”

“Hm?”

He looked up from his ice cream, shoving a large lidful into his mouth.

It was strange how beautiful he looked, even with his black hair sticking up every which way, his cheeks filled with the frozen sweet, the faint rays of sunlight catching the silver of his jewelry – eyebrow piercing, earrings, silver chain around his neck with the compass star pendant – all paired with his oversized aqua blue t-shirt and baggy jeans, still with bits of flour on his thighs from work.

“What did that man do to her?”

A darkness clouded his features even though he tried to hide it from you with a neutral expression.

“Ah… He just… Just wasn’t really the kind of guy who thought of women as people,” Jungkook finally got out, looking away from you. “You know, the kind of guy you really hate.”

“That’s you,” you joked.

“I know I can’t do anything,” Jungkook continued, ignoring your quip and you suddenly regretted it, seeing the way he lowered his hands, exhaling slowly. “I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior but my own.”

Come crawling back to me on your knees when she reaffirms to you that I'll be the best fuck you'll ever have.

She'll never make you feel as good as I can make you feel.

Enjoy your piranha.

“I’m sorry.”

Jungkook looked up at your sudden declaration.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, coughing awkwardly. “I’m sorry for saying the things I said about her.”

He snorted, shaking his head. “Don’t be. Just because she was in a shit situation doesn’t excuse her for being a shit person.” He shoved the lid into the empty ice cream container and rubbed the back of his neck, pushing his hair back with a sigh. “Just like how it doesn’t excuse me from being a shit person for what I did to you.”

His eyes shifted away.

“You don’t have to–”

“Yeah, I do,” he muttered, cutting you off. “I’m a fucking loser.”

The streetlights began to turn on, but no one was in a place like this, two adults in a place for kids, stuck wondering what adulthood was supposed to feel like because it still felt like an endless cycle of forever learning and forever running, wandering to find out what the finish line meant.

“I wasted time you can’t get back and I will spend the rest of my life chasing the time I wasted.”

Jungkook sucked in a shuddering breath, hand falling from his hair, rueful smile on his face.

“I can only hope you can put up with me for so long.”

You blinked slowly.

He turned his head, brown eyes finding yours, those irises catching the streetlights like how his jewelry had caught the sun, proving that Jeon Jungkook was, indeed, already adorned with nature’s very own jewelry.

You scooped out the last of your red bean ice cream and ate it, looking away from him.

“Sounds like forever,” you remarked, feeling the chilled sweet cool your heated cheeks, swallowing slowly, savoring the way the cold warmed you in its own way.

“Hm?”

“Sounds like I’m stuck with you forever then,” you said, turning back to him with a smirk. “Kinda sucks.”

He smirked back, cocking an eyebrow. “Yeah. Major suck. Speaking of my dick–”

“Oh, shut up.”

But you said it with a smile and he knew you didn’t mean it.

-

“Why the fuck do you have that?”

“It’s from work. Gimmie your arm.”

“Why?”

You extended your arm, frowning, stopping under the streetlight, one hand on the bike as Jungkook held the black permanent marker with his right hand. He used two fingers to uncap it and tucked the lid neatly into his palm, spinning the marker with the adjacent two fingers to readjust it so that he could write on your arm.

“Do you wanna get a tattoo with me?”

“Of what?”

You looked down to him scribbling on your skin, his own black tattoos standing out, covering his entire right arm and up to his shoulder. You wondered if he would end up tattooing his back and maybe his other arm – but, then again, he kind of needed money to have pay for such large pieces.

“Couples tattoo.”

You looked down when he drew back, grinning, reading the word upside down.

LO♡ER

You raised an eyebrow.

“You want to get ‘lover’ tattooed?” you asked, skeptical, turning your arm this way and that, unsure if you liked the placement on your forearm, near your wrist. “You don’t have any space on your right arm anyway.”

“That’s why I would get it on my left.”

And he curved his wrist to write on the bandage on his left forearm, messily writing on top of it.

LO$ER

Now you raised both eyebrows.

“You want to get… ‘loser’ tattooed onto your body?” you snorted disbelievingly.

Jungkook grinned, recapping the black marker with one hand, tapping the dollar sign on the bandage with the marker lid. “Doesn’t it describe me? ‘Cause I had money, and now I don’t.” He pointed to the heart on your skin. “You love me. I love you. A lover with a dollar sign is a loser, right?”

Laughter and skateboards sped past, five blurs of black along the street, spinning around the parked cars, people yelling after them to stop being so reckless, but you were too busy staring at Jungkook to notice the ruckus, too busy staring at that smile and those brown orbs lit up by streetlights.

“Are you stupid?”

Jungkook’s grin widened, mole underneath clearly visible. “Yeah, kind of. Stupidly in love with you.”

You both instantly pretended to gag, trying to mask your smiles, you shoving him and him shoving back, playful and laughing like mad, falling into him, dropping the bike with a loud clang, swept up in his arms and his kiss, your hands hooking behind his neck, love you, love you, love you, not sure about this whole tattoo idea, but, hell, maybe, just maybe if he annoyed you enough about it.

-

Shit, the groceries...

Are they still good?

The green onions look kind of wilted, but so do you and you're still good... I think.

Shut up.

You didn't need him, but being without him was like being frozen in time.

Not that you had any big dreams or aspirations anyone could be envious about. It always been like that, casually cruising through life, existing for the sake of existing, no real reason needed. It just was, and there was no reason to stop, so you kept going. The path was there, so you kept walking.

But, then.

Jeon Jungkook.

Jungkook made you run.

It's not washing off.

Tragic.

Easy for you to say, you wrote yours on your bandage, 'loser'.

So terrible that you have 'lover' written in you by your lover - hey, pfft, stop! Put the showerhead down!

It was truly by chance to meet him, a moment of terror and then he was there, yelling, get off her, don't fucking touch her, and you didn't understand, didn't understand why some random guy would suddenly intervene between an interaction of two strangers, how could he sense your discomfort and fear, and now he was throwing fists, brawling with not one but three guys, friends of the one who slipped his phone and his hands under your skirt, the stranger smashing the phone with venomous rage, fighting in a dress shirt, slacks, leather loafers, and expensive-looking rings, giving you a chance to escape.

A winner at life.

Not like you, you who let something happen because you froze up in that second, disbelieving that such a thing could happen to you, a nobody, a loser.

He kicked one of them in the knee, growling, a howl followed by the sharp crack during the fight.

You could turn and escape.

Or?

You heard sirens.

You grabbed your protector's flying fist and clenched into it tightly, panicking.

Run!

This was before the tattoos.

This was before the pain.

This was before the piercing.

Jeon Jungkook had whipped his head around at the foreign touch, in this mess because he had witnessed something disgusting and because he simply wanted to fight, just wanted to beat someone up, wanted to cause real pain to someone because he couldn't control his own life, wanted to fight something.

Needed to fight.

A hand around his hand.

Run!

Never once had Jungkook thought about escape.

Not until he saw that face, fear and panic and rage and determination, stunningly beautiful, hand around his hand, not letting go, pulling, sirens screaming in the distance, his legs already moving, following, running, running, running, into the sea of the unknown.

Sinking into it.

Lungs screaming, clumsily flying through alleys, on wings of adrenaline, running after the girl in the white hoodie and red plaid skirt holding his hand, falling, falling, falling, skidding across the concrete, her arms around his, her head buried into his chest, his hands around her head to protect it, hitting a dumpster with a pained wheeze.

The sirens sped past.

He was holding her and she was holding him.

It was chance.

Just chance.

His hands were scraped up, bleeding from the trip and tumble, her white hoodie dirtied and ripped from the fall, scrapes on her legs and knees.

I'm sorry...

It was ridiculous chance.

Just ridiculous.

You clung to this stranger and laughed, laughed like a maniac, laughed like you had gone mad, crying into his dirty navy dress shirt, thank you, thank you, thank you, not knowing you were holding the one who would make you run, not knowing who or how affluent he was, now knowing of how it felt to hold his hand and kiss his lips and hear his laugh, not knowing how you would introduce him to a friend who was a tattoo artist and start his interest in them, not knowing you would sit by him for long hours and watch the art grow on his skin...

Holding him, crying, thank you, thank you, thank you for saving me, leaning against a dumpster as the stranger hugged you tightly, I got you, it's okay, don't cry, don't cry, don’t cry please, rubbing your back.

Not knowing.

Not knowing he would make you zero, not knowing you would be standing there, time and time again, verbally beaten by his own parents as he looked away, unable to fight.

And you would escape.

You would run.

He would come back.

An endless cycle until you broke it.

Then he started the endless cycle again, broken as it was, his whispers to your cheeks, I love you, cheeks that were dried of tears because you were cried out and left with a mechanical heart, I love you, heart to heartless because of wasted time, I love you, time wasted but you still loved him, no matter what you did.

Did that make you pathetic?

Did that make you stupid?

Did that make you the loser?

I love you.

Why did it matter?

Even winners die.

I love you too, Jungkook.

"Get your hands off my tits."

"Why?"

You glared at him. Jungkook grinned and spun you around, hair still a little damp, kisses on your face that made you cringe as your naked bodies tumbled on the bed, him doing it on purpose, your grumble against his kisses, should have known, his smirk against your scowl, thought you knew me well by now, capturing his lips to shut him up, sinking into his arms and the ocean that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you want to run through the maze of life instead of aimlessly walk down the path.

His hands on your face, staring into your eyes.

You looked back, into those eyes that once had everything, but you.

And yet, he chose to lose it all and have nothing, but you.

It didn't really make sense, being in love.

You searched for regret, but there was none to be found.

"Am I forever your waste of time?" Jungkook whispered, breath drifting over your lips.

You smirked.

"Always was and always will be."

I know you said I was a waste of time. But I was your waste of time and that was all I ever wanted to be.

"Let me at least..."

"Ah, f-fuck, Jungkook!"

Your hands faltered a little, rolling the condom down while biting your lip, gasping as his two fingers plunged into you, him moaning at the wetness, thrusting slowly and deeply.

"What, you think I can't feel good with only your dick?"

"No," Jungkook snickered, pulling his slick fingers out of your pussy and bringing them to his face, cocking an eyebrow. "Just want a taste."

You rolled your eyes as he shoved his fingers into his mouth, sucking them off, eyelids fluttering.

"You're so annoying."

He grinned around his fingers, slowly pulling them out and tracing his wet lips.

You narrowed your eyes.

You don't have to take me back. I understand now, you know... I get it. Everyone... everyone will tell you you're crazy and to not to take me back.

I'm not taking you anywhere.

I... I wouldn't blame you. I promise.

Jungkook, please, shut the fuck up.

Your hands on his chest, smacking your hips down, his head thrown back on the pillows, breathless moan at your tightness, matching his sound with your own, stretching yourself out and feeling him swell even more at the pulse of your walls wrapped around him, rolling your hips into his, wet, intense smacks, his right hand flying up and wrapping around your left wrist, watching you through his lashes with effort, losing himself in your pace, no need to ask because you could see it in his face, his open mouth and glazed over eyes, fingers slipping down, curling your nails into his skin.

“P… Please…”

Raking your nails down his chest, his back arching and eyes closing, groaning in pleasure and pain, fucking him into your mattress so hard that the bedframe squealed, setting your jaw and closing your eyes too, savoring his fullness and thickness, sinking into the ocean of pleasure that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you feel like no one else, the one who could make and unmake your mechanical heart, funny how that worked, your nails in his skin creating crescents of lust, your eyes snapping open as you felt his chest rise, his back arching, his hands flat on the bed and thrusting his hips up into you, one eye partly open, black hair pushed back, open-mouthed smirk on his lips.

That dark brown orb partly obscured by his lashes, but revealing all to you.

You ticked your chin at him.

“Look at me.”

His eyes fully opening, pupils dilated, hazed over with lust and stubborn love.

“Nothing is more important to me than loving you,” he panted before sinking his teeth into his lower lip, mole underneath flashing, smacking his hips up into yours hard and fast, and it took no time at all, staring at his face and the way the moonlight cradled his strong jaw and toned muscle, catching the low light and bringing out the fervor in his gaze, filling you just right, pleasure blossoming from your core and yet concentrated tightly at the same time, moan of his name falling from your lips, spilling out from your lips and in between your legs, covering him with the sweet scent and harsh squeezes of orgasm, even wetter now, his eyes rolling back, cock twitching, satisfied hiss of your name spilling out with spurts of cum filling the condom, his length shivering inside you, your thighs closing in and holding him in the air so you could feel it all.

His pleasure and him.

I won’t make it to heaven. I don’t belong there.

It’s not like I belong there either, Jungkook.

Are you sure? Only an angel would take me back.

I didn’t take you back. Only your body walked away. Your heart never left me, did it?

“You sure you don’t want to get a couples tattoo with me?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around how your dumb ass wants to get ‘loser’ tattooed and how you think that’s romantic.”

He pressed his right forearm against your left and grinned, watching you suck in a breath as he pushed into you again, other condom already in the trash, new one on, your right leg against his chest, sandwiched between your bodies.

“But yeah, if you want, I’ll get a ‘lover’ tattoo.”

He paused, blinking rapidly. “Really?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Why not?”

“You never wanted a tattoo before.”

Now you raised both eyebrows. “Did you ever ask me before?”

Jungkook looked down at you, hair a mess, smile blossoming on his face, somewhere between giddiness and mania, diving down and showering you with kisses, you smacking his arms and telling him, you’re bending me in half, the fuck are you doing, and he laughed, lifting both your legs now, I’ll show you bent in half, placing them between his arms, leaning down, sinking in as deep as possible, your moan and his moan mixing together.

You’re still here.

Of course, I am, this is my fucking apartment. Ugh, your black eye looks even uglier than before.

You don’t… you don’t want me to leave?

Did I say that? Uh… why are you crying?

F… Forget I said a-anything…

Hey, stop. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, Jungkook, please…

“Fuck, you feel so good, fuck…!”

Your hands in his hair, teasing grin on your face, and he was looking down at you, I love your smug smile, fuck, your fingers combing through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face, letting him see your smug smile without any obstructions, you always fuck me so well, Jungkook, the smile breaking out over his handsome features, breathing erratic and labored, hard and rough and deep, you rising your hips to meet him for every loud smack, exhales and moans blending together, tight, wet, full, your grip on his hair tightening, closer, closer, racing to the edge of the cliff and the edge of the world, Jungkook in your hands, taking him with you, or was he the one who was leading you?

“Jungkook…”

Breathless as if you were running, winded from the pleasure, tightening around him, his head lowering, your name washing over your cheeks in a hot gasp, putting more weight on you, nearly folded in half but it felt better this way, gratifying in how hard he could fuck you in this position, staring into those dark brown orbs, his body on yours, knowing he was yours, always was, always will be, and you were his, always was, always will be.

Head pressing into the pillows, moaning his name again, loud and unashamed, the overwhelming feeling taking over, muscles tense and nerves on fire, pouring it all into the pleasure, pulsing around his jerking length, his moan of your name on your skin, shooting shivering strings of cum into the condom, massaged and milked by the strength of your orgasm, locking him in your embrace and his arms closing in, lips on lips, a fierce kiss dominated by shuddering aftershocks, trembling in each other’s hold and taking the other’s breath away, blazing hot all over even though this frozen world cared about no one.

The kiss lasted a long, long time.

It fell apart slowly, leaving you both lightheaded from the intensity.

“You’re a waste of time, Jungkook,” you whispered, heated. “But you’re my time.”

The side of his lips quirked upward, sweaty, panting, chuckling.

“That’s all I ever wanted to be.”

--

masterpost

[forever-rogue]

If you’re taking requests, can you do 102 & 110 from the 390 prompt list for Bucky Barnes please 💛

Prompts used: 

102. "I had a nightmare about you and just wanted to make sure you were okay."

110. "I just wanted you to know that when I picture myself happy...its with you."

A/N: I hope you all enjoy! 🥺

Pairing: Bucky x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: none

MASTERLIST

»»————-　♡　————-««

It was dark, filled with smoke and haze as Bucky looked around, attempting to figure out where he was. He waved his arm around trying to clear the path in front of him as his heart pounded in chest, threatening to burst through and bleed out. His mind was reeling as he tried to shut out the noise, screams, shouts, cries, and pleas that rushed to him all at once. It was so much, too much, at once and he felt like putting his hands over ears to ground himself. 

His knees felt weak and shaky as he pushed himself to move forward and make some sense of his situation. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right -

But then he heard it. And it caused him to stop dead in his tracks and stand still. It was your voice, your very distressed cry meeting his ears.

"Bucky!" 

His head whipped around so quickly it was a shock he didn't snap his own neck. Ragged breath and broken cries left his lips as he tried to make sense of where you were. He followed the trail of your voice as best as he could, pushing his way through crowds of people that were suddenly there. 

"Help me!"

Blue eyes scanned the crowd as he looked through the frantic horde. A sound of frustration bubbled up in his throat, along with acid and bile when he realized you weren't nearby.

"Bucky!"

»»————-　♡　————-««

Bucky sat up rod straight as he tried to slow his breathing. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and he was covered in a sheen of sweat. At least he was safe, he realized as he grounded himself by looking around his small apartment. Refrigerator, television, table. Refrigerator, television, table. He repeated the phrase to bring himself down several times until he finally felt the panic subside. He held his tired face in his hands as he slowed and evened his breathing, reminding himself that this was all a nightmare. It wasn’t real, none of it was real - it was all a cruel ploy of his imagination. 

With a loud sigh, he grabbed his phone off the nightstand and glanced at the time. 3:33. It was too early for anyone to be logically awake, but too late for even night owls. Bucky threw off his thin blanket and stretched, all of his thoughts rushing back to you. 

It was all a dream. He had to force himself to remember that. There was no reason for him to fly into a panic and come to check on you. But then again...he had the spare key to your apartment and could easily just pop in and check on you. Five minutes, he reasoned with himself, five minutes was all. In and out to ensure you were safely tucked into bed before he returned home to pretend nothing happened. He’d tell Dr. Raynor about this later. Maybe. He didn’t need her on his case even more about his nightmares and demons. 

He quickly swiped his black t-shirt off the floor and tugged it on his haste, not even bothering to change out of his grey sweaters before sliding on his shoes and grabbed his keys. He had no doubt he looked like a mad man, more mad than he even felt half the time, but he didn’t care. There was only one thing on his mind right now and that was ensuring your safety. 

»»————-　♡　————-««

When he reached your apartment, he was silent and aloof as he approached the door and looked around to see if anything was amiss; it all looked perfectly normal. Almost too normal in fact, and although the logical part of his mind knew he was overreacting, he couldn’t help but think of the worst possible things. Looking down the hallways, he made quick work of sliding his key in and quietly unlocking your door. 

Windows closed, lights off, everything put neatly away as it always was. Not a thing out of place. He shut the door behind him, remembering too late that it always creaked if you closed it at a particular angle and grimaced at the sound. Hopefully you were deep enough in sleep that you wouldn’t stir. Bucky stealthed down the hall to where he spied your open bedroom door and heard the faint sounds of the television still. 

A smile tugged on the corners of his mouth as he realized you’d fallen asleep while watching your favorite show; you’d had it on in the background when you’d talked to him on the phone earlier too. And then there you were, sprawled across your bed in your pajamas, mouth open ever so slightly as you snored quietly. You were okay, he told himself, very much alive and very much okay. He nodded to himself as he grabbed the remote for the television and switched it off so you’d have full peace and quiet. But for some reason that was the singular act that snapped you out of your dream sleep and you sleepily rubbed at your eyes as you moved to sit up. 

Bucky froze in terror as you yawned and opened your eyes to find him awkwardly standing there. Despite your sleepy state, you beamed at him and his heart relaxed as you held out a hands towards him, “hi Bucky. What are you doing here? ‘ts late and you should be sleeping, silly old man.”

Unable to stop, he came to you, taking your hand in his as he pressed a gentle kiss to your knuckles, causing you to sigh softly, “I-I had a nightmare about you and just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“A nightmare?” you were suddenly wide awake as you looked at him with gentle, curious eyes. You pulled him towards you, “oh Bucky, I’m so sorry, my love. Stay - come lay with me.”

“It’s late,” he reminded you, “you need to sleep and I need to go.”

‘I’m not going to be able to sleep if I worry about you for the rest of the night,” you insisted firmly, standing up in front of him, “just get into bed with me, Bucky. Let me hold and you make sure you’re okay. I love you and just like you worry about me, I worry about you.”

“You don’t-”

“Don’t even try to argue with me James Buchanan Barnes,” you insisted gently, but with bite before you pressed a kiss to his lips. He relaxed, truly relaxed for the first time that evening as he keened into your body, “let me care of you too. You deserve it, Bucky. Stay with me?”

And who was he to refuse such an enticing offer? Blue eyes met your gentle ones as he bit his lip lightly before nodding. Your hands moved to his waist as you reached for the hem of his black shirt and slowly pulled it up and over, letting him discard onto the floor. A hand rested on his chest, just above his heart as you felt it beat, steady and true, under your palm. Bucky swallowed the lump on his throat at your small act of intimacy before letting a world weary exhale. You pressed a few kisses to the bare skin of his shoulder, working your way up his neck and jaw before pausing at his lips. He kicked off his shoes before letting you guide him into your soft, warm bed; it was always a comfort, just like you.

He made himself comfortable, burrowing his way under the covers and taking up the spot he normally occupied as you rejoined him. Curling around his body, you enveloped him, making him feel small and safe, and most importantly loved. It had been a rarity for him, before you came into his life, to feel like this, but you gave and gave and gave, almost never asking for anything in return. But he always gave back, as much as he could, because to him you were everything. Everything he was not, every bit of light and love that he wished he could be. But he was learning, learning to live and love again, and for whatever reason you were there with him, never thinking twice about your decision to so openly love and care for him. 

You wrapped your arm around his waist as you rested your head against his back, but not before pressing a few more kisses to his warm, soft skin. He practically hummed in content as his restless thoughts lurched to a screeching halt.

“I know they seem real, Bucky, but they’re just nightmares. Nothing can hurt you anymore,” you whispered softly, tracing aimless shapes over his body, “you’re not him anymore, you’re you. And it’ll be okay, everything will be okay. I’ll fight off all your demons myself if I have to.”

Bucky choked up for a moment, unable to properly form any words, but you felt him nod lightly as he took your hand and laced your fingers together. You didn’t need him to say anything; you knew, you both knew. It was quiet for some time, and eventually you felt yourself start to drift off to sleep as his breathing became heavier and steadier. 

“You’ve asked me before about why I stay with you,” you whispered to what you thought was a sleeping Bucky, “and I hope you know it’s because I love you - fully, and completely, every part and parcel. I just wanted you to know that when I picture myself happy...its with you. Always. And even if it takes you a while to realize that, I’ll always be by your side. I’m not going anywhere, Bucky. I am yours and you are mine.”

Bucky’s eyes were wide open now as he listened to your gentle words and stared out the window at the pale moonlight. Suddenly he felt calmer, more relaxed, like he was seeing things with a sense of clarity for the first time in a long time. He swallowed the lump that had welled up in his throat. Blinking back the stinging in his eyes, he brought your hand back up to his chest holding both of your hands above his heart. How vulnerable and human he felt in that moment - how loved. 

“I love you, Bucky,” was the last thing you said once you closed your eyes.

You didn’t hear it, but if you’d been awake still, you’d have heard the gentlest I love you spill from his lips. But it was okay, because you knew. You knew.

»»————-　♡　————-««

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[uravichii]

bnha characters as swifties ~

— you convert them into swifties and there's no going back

characters: bakugo katsuki, todoroki shouto, yaoyorozu momo, jirou kyouka

warnings: swearing (bakugo's part)

notes: i don't know what came over me when i decided to write this,, happy 1 year of folklore ig ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

- bakugo katsuki -

katsuki would only know the name 'taylor swift'

he knows she's some famous celebrity, but he has no idea what she's known for : /

when you first introduce him to her discography, you started with her debut album and 'fearless.'

he didn't like it :') he said it was way too cheesy

katsuki also criticized how inaccurate love story was because romeo and juliet didn't end that way : |

he also despised the "shitty country music" pls never play 'our song' when he's nearby, he'll absolutely destroy whatever it is you're playing it from.

you then introduced him to the most successful album, 1989, hoping he'd at least give it a chance

no, he thought it was "hella annoying" 🙄

"YOU'RE TELLING ME 'ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY' AND 'I WISH YOU WOULD' AREN'T THE SAME FUCKING SONG? FUCK OFF."

but you persevere— you introduced more tracks, explained the lyrics to him, and you forced him to watch the reputation stadium tour on netflix.

he won't admit it openly, but he LOVES reputation.

he loves the new sound, the darker theme, and how edgy and angry it is.

his favorite songs are 'i did something bad' and 'don't blame me'

but he also secretly falls asleep to 'new year's day' 🥺

folklore enraged him in a good way,,

"FUCK JAMES, AUGUSTINE DESERVES BETTER."

and for the album red, "FUCK JAKE GYLLENHAAL, TAYLOR DESERVED BETTER."

this man will make a stan twitter account and demand a punk rock era from tswift because katsuki knows the queen is ✨versatile✨ and she can definitely thrive with a new sound like that 😌

- todoroki shouto -

"taylor swift??? what year and class is she in?"

"shouto— "

you need to present this boy a whole powerpoint presentation,, he badly needs it.

at first, he wouldn't mind the lyrics, he pays more attention to how it sounds.

he likes the mellow ones like 'begin again' 'untouchable' and most tracks from both sister albums, 'folklore' and 'evermore'

for some reason, he loved taylor's country music. those were actually the first songs he added to his playlist.

"it's a bop." he says this with a straight face and a monotonous voice 😐

then, you urged him to read and take in the lyrics, and shouto LOVED her as an artist a lot more.

he definitely cried to 'never grow up' :(((( he can't listen to it again though because he's afraid the song will lose its meaning if it was played too much.

he also appreciates 'seven' a lot. 'tolerate it' and 'soon you'll get better' reminded him of his mother :((

also, he always plays 'mad woman' when endeavor's nearby 💀

he turns up the volume when taylor sings, "does she smile... or does she mouth "fuck you forever. ~ "

he'd definitely buy a lot of merch from taylor, and he was very dismayed when the cardigans sold out before he got to buy one :(

he is very excited for red (taylor's version) and even marked november 19th on his calendar >:)

- yaoyorozu momo -

momo listened to taylor swift a lot when she was younger. she loved singing along to the album, 'fearless'

but she eventually phased out from her songs, not for any particular reason though.

she knows the famous singles like 'shake it off' and 'blank space' and she's mostly neutral about it.

so you force her back into the fandom by having her listen to her whole discography >:)

momo LOVES 'folklore' and 'evermore' this woman will break down the lyrics, analyze it, and upload long-ass essays about them.

"the lyrics are just absolutely exquisite! it's amazing how she manages to use a different sound each album and pull it of :)) you have my deepest gratitude, y/n for having me listen to such a beautiful masterpiece!"

she'll never stop gushing over the jamez-betty-augustine drama. she'll definitely be empathetic towards each one, but she does love augustine the most 😔

she understands james too though and loves 'this is me trying' :') she's not sure if she likes the song 'betty' tho 😧

you'd get under a blanket with momo and cry to 'champagne problems' and 'tolerate it' for fun.

"such a heartbreaking story..." she sniffles into a napkin.

momo was also inspired to write poems because of the two sister albums.

i don't think she'd be interested in taylor's dating life, but she does think it's amazing how you're able to witness the artist's growth by just listening to the songs she writes over the years :))

- jirou kyouka -

"of course i know taylor swift..." she looks to the side sheepishly. "i don't really like her."

"😦"

kyouka unfortunately thinks taylor swift is overrated </3

you can't really blame her though because apparently, she only knew her singles 😃 specifically, 'we are never going back together,' 'blank space, 'shake it off,' and 'ME!'

she says they're catchy but she doesn't really understand the hype.

so you make her understand >:)

you start with lover which later became her favorite album along with reputation and red.

she looves 'cruel summer' and she's angry that it wasn't a single in the album, she also loves the song, 'lover' she won't admit it but she thinks it's incredibly sweet and it makes her want to have a lovelife like taylor's.

she also loves 'the man' and she also sings the bridge of 'death by a thousand cuts' EVERYDAY.

kyouka will also make her own covers of taylor's older songs,, she'll make a cover of 'sparks fly' that sounds edgier. it sounds amazing 😌

she'll lie on her bed, and probably cry to 'superstar' thinking how sweet it would be if someone wrote a song about her like that :((

folklore and evermore aren't her favorites, but she adores the writing so much that it influenced hers.

kyouka will write a song for you out of gratitude for making her listen to the queen, miss swift 😌