#and very often that drive is a kind of hatred and insecurity that cannot be reasoned with. it is a tragedy. a very real tragedy.

[giantkillerjack]

Infinity Train isn't the best counterpart to Last of Us on positive representation. Remember the only explicitly Neurodivergent character in Infinity Train became a villain and died brutally on screen?

No, I don't remember. But what I do remember is that the entire core concept of the show is basically "a train that puts people through magical therapy." And so I remember that nearly every lead character is clearly dealing with some form of mental illness or another. I don't need every character to be explicitly diagnosed onscreen to know that the show is chock-full of neurodivergent characters, so I'm quite genuinely not sure what you mean. Have I missed something?

[casually-inlove]

19 Days Character Archetypes. He Tian

This idea had been dancing around the back of my mind for a little over half a year now. I wanted to compare and contrast 19 Days characters with the list of archetypes proposed in the neo-Jungian research and finally, I got some time to spare. For this post, I am going to talk about He Tian. Before I begin, however, let me clarify a few things. Since the subject is fairly complex, I do not intend to write in detail about the theory itself or the studies mentioned because that is not the purpose of this post. I am only looking to give a quick and basic run-down of the common archetypes shared by the 19 Days characters.

What is an archetype? An archetype is a set of predefined characteristics, a mould. Carl Jung described the archetype as a “fundamental unit of a human mind” or a “primordial image”. Simply put, the archetypes are the recurring and simplified patterns — but also symbols. According to his ideas, these basic symbols exist universally irrespective of epochs, nations, cultures, races, places, etc. Jung believed them to be shared by the so-called collective unconsciousness. However, even before him, the philosophers of old introduced the ideas of pre-existing ideal immaterial forms which shape the material reality. Since the archetypes are fundamentally primordial, they permeate every single sphere of human life. Art, media, movies, day to day interactions — all of them deal in archetypes.

While working on his research, Carl Jung defined the driving impulses of the human psyche. In turn, that data helped him come up with underlying basis for human behaviour. Based on his findings, Jung outlined the so-called primary archetypes. Later his research served as a basis for many other studies and classifications, particularly for The 12 Archetype Model, proposed by Margaret Mark and Carol Pearson in “The Hero and the Outlaw”. Naturally, there can be an infinite number of archetypes, each having their subtleties; still, the short lists give the generalized picture. Deconstructing characters to these basic blueprints is a fair game because a character, no matter how complex, is still an abstract entity.

For this series of posts, I am going to rely on the 12 Archetype Model mentioned above. The list goes as follows:

1. The Innocent

2. The Orphan

3. The Hero

4. The Caregiver

5. The Explorer

6. The Rebel

7. The Lover

8. The Creator

9. The Jester

10. The Sage

11. The Magician

12. The Ruler

Having examined this list, I am led to believe that He Tian primarily represents a mixture of The Hero and The Rebel archetypes.

The Hero and The Rebel

Let us start with the most obvious, the Hero. This archetype is closely associated with the ideas of masculinity, and thus it is also referred as the Warrior, the Crusader, etc.

The Hero archetype characteristics

Motto: Where there is a will, there is a way

Core desire: to prove one's worth through courageous acts

Goal: expert mastery in a way that improves the world

Greatest fear: weakness, vulnerability, being a “chicken”

Strategy: to be as strong and competent as possible

Weakness: arrogance, always needing another battle to fight

Talent: competence and courage

These go very much in line with what we know of He Tian. His childhood flashbacks suggest that he indeed intends to be “the strongest”.

The failure to protect the puppy, the harsh words of He Cheng — all of it led him to become fixated on becoming the Hero, the one who swoops down and single-handedly saves the day. It is in the way he stands in to fight She Li for Guanshan or rushes to prevent Jian Yi from getting kidnapped. It is in the way he attempts to resolve the other boy’s problems with debt collectors. It is in the way he deflects the coke can and decides to meet his father for Guanshan's sake.

He Tian yearns to be the strongest because the alternative — being weak and helpless — has already scarred him in the past. Whatever joy he used to have as a child was taken from him, because he was not strong enough to handle things on his own. He entrusted the puppy to his brother and the man betrayed him — or so He Tian was led to believe.

More than that, he wants Guanshan to come to him, whether it’s talking about his complicated past or whether it’s about learning the guitar.

It goes without saying that He Tian is almost eerily good at anything he does — as such he believes he can learn music from scratch in a short time. That speaks volumes about the confidence he has in his capabilities, and yet to an outsider's perspective this might come off as blatant posturing.

Apart from almost baffling self-confidence that he shows, He Tian is also known for his nearly abnormal physical prowess. He managed to hold his ground against several armed adults (which is probably just flawed writing) and way back he even managed to impress Guanshan by effortlessly hopping over the school fence, so it makes one wonder what kind of training he had undergone.

However, the truth is, The Hero is also susceptible to weakness. In his work, Carl Jung has coined the term “The Shadow”, which became a stand-alone archetype in his list. The Shadow stands for our suppressed, ignored or denied traits, in other words, it is everything that we cannot see or refuse to see in ourselves. The concept of this hidden darkness has been since absorbed into a number posterior studies, such as Robert Moore’s and Douglass Gillette’s “King Magician Warrior Lover”, where they introduce triadic paradigms of the archetypes and their corresponding active and passive shadows. Notably, they link the aforementioned archetypes with the concept of “masculinity” and its development throughout adolescence into adulthood.

What is The Shadow to The Hero archetype? When The Hero cannot fulfill their purpose, they surrender to the shadow. The dark side takes their best qualities and transforms them into flaws. The confidence thus turns into arrogance and hubris, courage into foolhardiness, competence into bravado and posturing — or the complete opposite happens. Courage transforms into cowardice, confidence into insecurity, etc.

Whereas He Tian is concerned, before he had developed an emotional attachment to another person (and by doing so gained something to cherish), we could observe some of the definitive shadow patterns in his behaviour. Until he recognized Guanshan as someone to know and to protect, he used to goad the other boy, if not outright assume the position of his superior, demanding obedience and subservience. He Tian also used the snide tone when talking to Guanshan, and he did so in order to establish his power to steer the boy in what he deemed to be the right direction — that is attempting to curb Redhead’s short temper and brashness. And in doing so, he was not shy of subtly threatening the boy or using physical force to make his point.

To be in touch with his masculinity — that is to channel his energy constructively in order to feel strong and needed, — he required to have someone he could play the knight for. Once he could direct his inner impulses properly, his violent tendencies have subsided.

Even so, in his aspiration to be the ultimate good — driven by the hatred for his family background, perhaps — He Tian often opted for doing rash, foolhardy stuff, such as attempting to take on the debt collectors all by himself, for instance. Sure, he would have gotten to “save the day” and be the hero, but that single moment would have cost him his life.

Now, having glanced at the Hero archetype, let us move to the next one, The Rebel. This archetype is characterized by the following:

The Rebel archetype characteristics

Motto: Rules are made to be broken

Core desire: revenge or revolution

Goal: to overturn what is not working

Greatest fear: to be powerless or ineffectual

Strategy: disrupt, destroy, or shock

Weakness: crossing over to the dark side, crime

Talent: outrageousness, radical freedom

The Rebel is also known as the outlaw, the revolutionary, the wild man, the misfit, or iconoclast.

Indeed, He Tian rebels quite a bit in the manhua. First and foremost, his rebellion is directed at his flesh and blood — Mr He and Cheng.

Not much is known about He Tian’s childhood, yet it is pretty clear that he hadn’t exactly had a happy one. His mother died early on and he was left to grow up practically without parents since Mr He is a textbook absentee father. From what He Tian knows, his brother backstabbed him, an act that keeps plaguing their relationship years after, while his father is labeled as a monster — someone who is ostensibly capable of eliminating people who disobey.

It is also clear as the day that young He Tian is traumatized by whatever dealings his family conducts behind the scenes. At some point, we even witnessed a scene where HT is tossed out of the burning yacht, while his brother is covered in blood and holds a gun. A violent experience such as this inevitably leaves a scar — and actually get to see it. He Tian is shown to experience something closely reminiscent of PTSD, recurring violent nightmares, the fear of the dark, etc.

Back in the present day, we see that He Tian wants to put distance between himself and his family. It manifests in living separately from his kin and cutting the contact to a bare minimum. He makes a point of stating that he is independent, severing the ties he deems to be dysfunctional. Yet the same time He Tian cannot quite let go of his familial bonds. In particular, whenever He Cheng is concerned, the boy sneers and flagrantly shows his impetuousness and disrespect.

In many ways he’s practically stomping his feet, attempting to show that he doesn’t need his brother, yet by doing this he proves the opposite: he still yearns his bitter feelings to be validated by He Cheng — and by his father too, to an extent.

This results in bratty behaviour on his part: He Tian orchestrates property damage at the He mansion, impishly rejects Cheng’s gestures of goodwill, etc.That is the work of the Rebel’s “shadow” counterpart — when the desire to overturn things and break free takes on darker shade and slips into dangerous territory. Resisting and opposing then becomes a way of life, and only through it does the “shadow rebel” feel certain of their self. 

He Tian pushes at the boundaries of what is permitted and socially acceptable to feel in control of the situation. If we examine the way He Tian interacts with others, we will see that the shadow manifests in many other ways. He Tian is compelled to stir and instigate others, using his wit and cunning to make them uncomfortable or confused, and thus easy to manipulate to his amusement.

Speaking of socially acceptable behaviour, Chinese culture places a great emphasis on the respect towards senior family members — and I probably cannot stress this enough — He Cheng lets him get away with this lack of reverence. Deep inside He Tian seeks his brother’s approval and attention, but rejects it when he is given, and in the process he sets out to tear down anything that displeases him.

Establishing a connection with Guanshan let He Tian fulfill his Hero potential and channel his energy in constructive ways, and yet at the same time, it allowed him to tap further into his “Shadow” Rebel tendencies. That is, to it rub in into He Cheng’s face that he’s no longer welcome or needed.

Naturally, as a character, He Tian possesses traits of other archetypes — such as The Lover, for instance — albeit to a lesser extent, so I’m not going to dive deep in here. Let me just mention, that as a Lover, He Tian is compelled to increase his attractiveness to his love interest  — we often see him fishing for compliments and validation on Guanshan’s part, which underscores his inner need to feel needed and wanted, yet also turns into clinginess at times.

With that, this quick rundown of He Tian’s character patterns is complete. All in all, you could say that He Tian is fairly archetypal at his core, and yet it’s the combination of these “trite” features that mark him as an utterly realistic and believable character. It is because we’ve seen these archetypes countless times before that He Tian appears to be true to life.

Lastly, this is going to turn into a series of posts, but right now I cannot say when the next part is going to be up since writing this took me some time. In the meantime, you can read a bit more below ✨. 

 A bit more about He Tian | Support me at Ko-Fi 

[rosaliekali]

Hi, I want to get into writing for Ikevamp but I only know so much about characters that are not released in English. So I was wondering if you could give me a brief explanation of all 15 Ikevamp guys personalities.

I don’t play JP but I can try my best. Starting with the ones we know and working down. Here is a word-vomit of what I have inferred their characters are and what I’ve seen people translate. 

Obviously HUGE, HUGE spoilers for unreleased routes and Act 2.

REALLY, REALLY LONG post under cut.

Napoleon: Napoleon’s personality is a little more subdued and hidden by teasing. He’s confident with his MC and calls her affectionately ‘nunuche’. He has an uproarious laughter that begins with a ‘snnnnrk’ and will tease MC incessantly if the ‘bear in her stomach’ growls. He also has a habit of sleeping in until the afternoon and will instinctually kiss anyone who wakes him up without a care as to who they are (and has kissed everyone in the mansion at least once).  When he’s with MC, he tends to be teasing of her and likes to spend time together. He’s the kind of ‘cool guy’ personality you expect coming from an Otome Game. I’d kind of compare him to a mixture of Alyn from MidCin except not as abrasive and Ray from IkeRev in terms of affectionate but still ‘cool’. He is best friends with Jean and Isaac.

Mozart: Mozart starts off very cool and aloof with his MC. He openly tells his MC that he hates her and finds her a nuisance. It takes him a while to open up to MC and realize he actually has a crush on her. Once they begin dating, he becomes very affectionate with her calling her ‘min schatz’, ‘his treasure’, or ‘his muse’. He tends to be closed off with the others but he is open with his MC and tends to have a pretty high sex drive with her. His personality is comparable to that of Louis from MidCin and Jonah from IkeRev. They both start off cold with their MC but end up becoming very affectionate in the end and are all perfectionists who detest messes and germs. He is best friends with Jean.

Leonardo: Leonardo is poised as the ‘older’ LI type. He calls his MC ‘cara mia’ and loves to tease her. He is more experienced than she is due to his age and is definitely very experienced / has a high sex drive as well. He tends to tease his MC more often and MC often feels like he has the advantage in the relationship because he can tease her relentlessly but he tends to be oblivious to her seduction efforts. He ends up falling in love with MC very early on and states that she is the only woman that he has ever loved and will ever love from then on. He does not ever want MC to become a vampire and tells her he would rather spend the rest of her life with her and keep her as is. His personality is that of Sirius in terms of the ‘older lover’ trope and perhaps Nobunaga from IkeSen although I don’t play it. He is best friends with Comte although he does tend to hang out with Isaac from time to time.

Arthur: Arthur is a little more of a complex character. At first glance, he’s a flirt who pretty much sleeps with a new girl (or multiple at the same time) every night and loves to be bold and unapologetically seductive, although more lurks under the surface. Deep down, he’s actually very insecure and traumatized from his time as a doctor not being able to save his patients. He sleeps with women to stave off the nightmares and ends up falling for MC early on in his route although he thinks she will never like him back because he essentially ‘assaulted’ her earlier. With his MC, he is very flirty and very seductive as well as starved for attention. He repeatedly tells her he will not do so much as look at another woman while with her, says they don’t interest him anymore, and likes to be confident in the fact that she is his although a part of him still worries she will leave him. His personality is like that of Leo from MidCin in terms of flirty but affectionate, and he has a VERY HIGH sex drive. He also doesn’t like Sherlock Holmes, his own character, because he is better than what Arthur seems himself as even though they have the same observational and intelligent deductive nature. He is best friends with Theo.

Vincent: Vincent is described as the ‘angelic’ LI in the game. He is very kind and sweet most willing to lend MC an ear when she needs it. He treats everyone he meets with kindness and is known to even draw the darker characters to his side because of his sweet personality. He’s a little oblivious when it comes to love and relationships, I think Theo alludes to the fact that he’s never been in love before, and he falls for MC pretty quickly but takes a bit to realize. When he and MC begin a relationship, he is very affectionate and wants to spend a lot of time together. He’s also very forgiving of other characters that have wronged him and likes to see the best in people. He is best friends with Shakespeare and Theo.

Isaac: Isaac is an unreleased English route (next on the schedule). He is very abrasive upon first meeting MC because he’s so painfully introverted. He gets tormented by Dazai and Arthur who have made him their favorite target of jokes. He tends to be more quiet and reclusive and has trouble expressing himself with others. The people around him like Leonardo have to clarify what he means to MC sometimes because he comes off sounding harsh although he’s actually a very kind person. He was known as ‘old, friendless Newt’ when he was alive because he never really had any friends and is a genius who is most often found with Napoleon teaching the kids down at the town or with Leonardo messing with things trying to fix them. A lot of his event stories show him trying to be more open with MC because he wants to be a better lover and is self conscious about how he comes off to her. He’s also hinted at being a beast because he drinks more blood than the other LIs and is a little more sex driven than the others. I’d compare his personality to Luka in terms of shyness, but he’s a lot more closed off and quiet than Luka and definitely more abrasive. He also hates apples and his apple-falling story and will become very upset if brought up. He is friends with Napoleon and Leonardo (and Dazai and Arthur despite how he complains about them).

Jean: Jean is a more complex character who is hardly ever seen on screen. He’s very quiet and unexpressive preferring to spend time on his own. He hates himself as a vampire and sees himself as something vile. While he took Comte’s offer on becoming a vampire, he didn’t realize what it would mean to accept the offer of immortality. For this reason, he hates Comte and refuses to even acknowledge him often times or do favors for him. He is friends with Mozart and Napoleon. He appreciates Mozart because they’re both quiet and can simply spend time together without needing chatter and Napoleon because they’re both soldiers and train together. He is hinted at suffering from depression and self-hatred and goes as far as to starve himself of blood because he wants to die. In Mozart’s route, he is shown to have a gun capable of killing vampires and refuses to answer why when asked although we can all guess why. In his route, I’ve heard he tries to push MC away for the grand majority of it until they eventually date and he asks her to kill him / stop him(?) if he ever becomes the monster he fears he is. He’s just very quiet and very self-doubting tending to keep everyone at an arm’s distance. I’d compare him to Louis in terms of aloofness but he’s definitely a lot more quiet and less rude / cold.

Theo: Theo is Vincent’s younger brother and described as the ‘devil’ to Vincent’s ‘angel’. He is rude, abrasive, and does not bite his tongue. He calls MC ‘knabbeltje’ (morsel) to remind her that she is food in a mansion full of vampires and ‘hondje’ (dog) to needle her. While friends with Arthur, he detests his ‘skirt chasing’ ways and is very cold / harsh when rejecting any women that want to get near him. It takes him a long while to open up to his MC, but, when he does, he is shown to be a very kind person. In his route, he lies to MC telling her that they are NOT vampires so that she will not be afraid while she has to stay with them and actually is shown to look out for her even outside of his route. He only pretends to be rude and condescending because he wants people to compare him to Vincent and like Vincent more. He was their parent’s favorite while Vincent went ignored and this has made him feel very guilty so he purposefully makes himself seem as worse as possible to make sure Vincent looks better. Really, he’s very emotionally mature when it comes to relationships and is very respectful of MC as a lover although he still teases her and likes to rile her up by mocking her. He acts as Arthur and Vincent’s wingman / relationship counselor and isn’t afraid to call them (mainly Arthur) out when they do something to offend MC in their own routes. I’d compare him to Kyle from IkeRev in terms of abrasive but very emotionally mature although he is much more cold than Kyle. 

Shakespeare: Will is the ‘yandere’ of the LIs and the main villain in the Act 1 arc. He is one of the first people, if not the first, Comte brought back and used to live in the mansion before he had a falling out with Comte and left. He is the only person that can get under Comte’s skin and he hates Leonardo. He has paired up with Vlad and seeks to write a tragedy starring whatever LI MC is with and herself. Deep down, he is very self conscious of how he ranks with the other Mansion Residents because he sees them all as geniuses in their own rights, but sees himself as something inferior to them. He has a particular way of speaking, speaks in poetry which I’d recommend using a Shakespeare translator when writing for him, and cannot see out of one eye. With MC, he is cold at first but has a way of masking it by making himself sound polite. He does not think much of her at first, thinks she is like any other girl out there, but ends up realizing she’s much more and falling in love with her. He states numerous times that he would love to lock her up somewhere where only he can see her and keep her for himself. The other characters (minus Vincent and Comte depending on the day) dislike / openly hate (like Theo and Leonardo) him and try to keep MC away from him. I think people have compared him to Kenshin from IkeSen although I don’t play the game.

Comte: Comte is the father figure of the mansion and a very complex character. He is the one who brought back all the residents using a magical door. Upon first glance, he is very sophisticated and a true gentleman, but Leonardo tells MC he used to be a wild child who would ‘smoke like a chimney’ and get into random fights back in the day. He is childhood friends with Vlad and they both decided to bring back historical men as vampires in order to ensure their talents are still used to further humanity. However, now he and Vlad do not speak because they had a falling out a long time ago and Comte took the door from him. Comte is hinted at having fallen in love with MC in every route although he tries hard to push her away in his own route. Deep down, he is a very lonely character and has seen centuries worth of humans he has cared about die. He tries to keep MC away from him at first because he is tired of falling in love only to lose someone to time. He rejects MC at first in his route but slowly falls in love and lets himself be open to her. In the end, he becomes a very affectionate LI and realizes that he should value the time he has with her rather than keep her away. Comte also wants to turn MC into a vampire and has offered to turn her in other routes if that is what she wishes. He sees no problem with turning MC or any other human. He tends to show his affection economically showering her with gifts and loves to go shopping with her so that he can purchase whatever she likes for her. The other characters have called him ‘daddy’ as a joke and he takes care of them economically as well (giving Arthur an allowance when he asks) and anything else they want that he can buy without complaint (unless its Leonardo because then he’ll call him a ‘drain on his resources’ and complain about spending money on him). 

Dazai: Dazai is the next character up on the JP game. He and Comte are the first two members of the Act 2 story line and are very cryptic. Dazai presents himself as the ‘class clown’ upon first meeting and seems to always be smiling and upbeat. He loves to tease Isaac with apples and often teams up with Arthur to rile him up although Arthur does not like him as a friend outside of that. Upon meeting MC, he pretends not to remember her name and instead calls her by several random Japanese names. In truth, he does remember her name and grows close to her, but he does not want her anywhere near him. Dazai is a very lonely character who suffered from horrific depression in life that culminated in him taking his own life, and, for that reason, cannot see himself as anyone desirable to anyone. He thinks MC is a very kind and upbeat person that would have to give up too much if she were with him, so he’d rather she stay far away. He does, however, spend time telling the children in town stories and does tend to step in and counsel MC or her LI in some routes if they’re willing to hear him out. Like Arthur, he is a writer and spends his time writing in the mansion, but he gets very upset if MC reads his stories because they are too dark for someone like her. He also tends to look after MC and the others worrying over their well-being when they are in danger and watches after MC specifically whenever Shakespeare gets too close. Really, he’s a complex character with a lot of layers and sadness. He might look upbeat and carefree upon first meeting, but the reality is anything but.

Sebastian: Sebastian is the only human at the mansion asides from MC. His real name is Akihiko (Akihiki?) Saitou. He is from Japan like MC and is a historian who is obsessed with history and keeps a record of the residents and what goes on in their daily lives. He greatly admires Napoleon and Leonardo and gets very excited when they compliment him or show they admire him as well. With MC, he tends to be very teasing and slightly distant. He is in charge of the chores with MC and is shown to order MC around and teases her when she gets something wrong. He is prone to flicking her on the forehead whenever she makes a mistake (MC calls him a tyrant as a result of his disciplining her), yet he does like MC and is willing to lend her an ear when she needs someone to listen or some advice. The others seem to have a lot of faith in him and he is the one running the mansion by keeping up to date with everyone’s meals, routines, habits, and needs. Really, he’s a kind character deep down once you get past the abrasive, cold, and teasing remarks. He also loves to tease MC and her LI in other routes and will root for her to get with the person she ends up with especially if its Napoleon. He is Comte’s confidante and is often found with Comte or doing chores.

Vlad: Vlad is the main villain in the IkeVam series. While Shakespeare is the villain in Act 1, Vlad is the true villain behind the curtain. He and Comte used to be old friends before Vlad traveled to the future and saw that humanity had destroyed itself. From then on, he decided he wanted to bring back famous historical figures and use them to fix / save humanity. However, unlike Comte who brought them back with freedom and with a desire to form a family unit with them, Vlad wants to enslave them to make sure they obey him and will work to save humanity. Vlad is shown to be very polite and kind although distant at first meet, but darkness lurks beneath the surface. In actuality, he sees everyone around him as tools to be used and hates weaknesses in any form. If someone or something is weak, he will discard them because his plans to save humanity have no room for disobedience and error. He runs a flower shop which MC has stumbled into independently (and I think Vincent too?). He appears to be a very sweet character and polite in the beginning but he is very aloof in actuality and, although he likes MC, he will not hesitate to use her to hurt Comte. He has brought back other historical figures in the past like Comte using a door that he has, but they come back incompletely or insane because he does not care to bring them back properly. He also is the one that brought back Napoleon and presumably brought Charles and Faust back since they both call him ‘His Excellency’ or ‘My Lord’. On a lighter note, he loves strawberries and loves gardening with a field of sunflowers that he and Comte used to hang out in being his favorite spot, and, like Comte, loves humanity deeply.

Charles: Charles is the second ‘yandere’ in the series and the former executioner of Marie Antoinette and King Louis XVI. However, he hates the fact that he used to be an executioner and goes simply by ‘Charles’ now. He is a doctor as a vampire and is shown to be very sweet and flirtatious. Like Arthur, he too goes home with a new girl every other night and flirts with MC upon first meeting her, but he tends to use a ‘sweeter’ and more ‘innocent’ flirting approach like Loki from IkeRev than Arthur’s more seductive flirting techniques. Upon first meeting MC, he falls in love with her right away and asks her multiple times in different events to ‘take him home’. However, his sweeter nature hides some darkness beneath. Like Shakespeare, he is a yandere and obsesses over MC. I’ve said before I consider him to be more dangerous than Shakespeare because, when Shakespeare is caught as a villain and Vincent / MC realize he has been using them, he drops the act-Charles keeps it going for much longer. Plus, Charles is not above kidnapping MC and tricking her into thinking that he is her lover (as was seen by an event story-although the premise of it was ‘horror’ so it may have been exaggerated) and is better at hiding his obsessive nature than Shakespeare. He’s more often seen with Faust and calls him ‘doctor’ although Faust doesn’t seem to be very close to him. He greatly admires Vlad and calls him ‘My Lord’ and will do his bidding although he does think it would be great if Vlad and Comte could get along and both sets of vampires could be friendly. 

Faust: Faust is the final character in the Act 2 storyline. Faust is a doctor / pastor who works in the local church. He comes off as extremely cold-hearted and harsh when first meeting him. He sees people as guinea pigs and would love to dissect MC or any of the other vampires if he could to experiment on them. He is based off of Johann Georg Faust, the alchemist, and is a ‘doctor’ with a great intrigue in human experimentation. There is an old legend about him trading his soul with the devil for immortal life which is ironic considering the fact he serves in a church. He has a very harsh outlook of religion and does not like the christian god or the christian church thinking that both are useless and religion isn’t worth the faith people have in it. However, while all these things make him seem harsh, he is hinted at being a kind character deep down. He looks after the orphanage as a member of the church and does seem to have some sort of soft spot for children. He also may abhor religion, but he does allow people to take comfort in him as a priest / pastor? when they need it. In one event story, he listened to a teenager’s confession of robbery and ‘forgave him’ for his sin because the teenager had just lost his father and needed comfort. Really, when it comes to young children, he is shown to be kind-ish although he still acts very harsh and aloof. He falls for MC slowly and without even realizing it with his first birthday story event showing him smiling at the thought of her without knowing. Meanwhile, when it comes to the other characters particularly Vlad and Comte, Faust seems to have some respect for Vlad, calling him ‘His Excellency’ but he isn’t the loyal follower Charles is. He tends to be more cold with Vlad and has remarked that he doesn’t care what happens to the ‘old men’ (Comte and Vlad) or which side wins as long as he has guinea pigs to examine.

[funkymbtifiction]

I've read your post about you being a Fi. I have had to learn, when I feel a swell of Fi-ish judgment rising within me, to stop and ask myself why I care what other people ... Because my instinctive response is “if you don’t agree with my opinion, you’re wrong. :P” … and go away mad." How to deal with it? My Fi kills me when I read posts or fanfics of people, f.ex. where they bash chars I care about. I want to argue, I want to rip them apart. I usually don't. But it is HARD!!!

I agree that feeling angry about people bashing characters you care about is hard – because you value that character, admire them, relate to them, or just plain like them – but it’s symptomatic of a much larger Fi ‘tendency’ which is to judge things stridently on moral terms.

Fi’s have their own internal census of what they consider to be good / bad, and it is often black and white. The younger the Fi, the more moralizing and rigid these moral judgments can be – but they usually soften as they get older, gain more life experience, and see that people all have much different experiences than they do. They broaden their understanding of what certain situations demand of people, and that enables them to find greater compassion for ‘where others are coming from.’

I’ll give you a serious real-life example. I was adamantly against legislation that would allow ‘assisted suicide’ on moral principle, until I watched my grandfather slowly die over two weeks – in tremendous physical pain, while I watched it wreak devastating emotional pain on my entire extended family. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, both for my own hatred of seeing someone in pain and the anguish of wishing he could just ‘go’ to avoid it, and because of the great suffering it caused. He could have chosen to overdose on his morphine – but he did not. That was his choice. I admire him for that. I would not ‘take away’ his choice. But it made me realize that a lot of my pre-set views… are not formed through actual personal experience, and when I go through it, many of them may change and others might not. A Fi who had never gone through that, never seen or felt or known what it is like, might hold a view strongly in one or another direction on that issue and argue fiercely for it. But it comes from a place of internal abstract ethics and not from literal experience.

Whenever I meet anyone I disagree with, I have to:

remind myself that they have their own life experiences, they have reasons for the views they hold, and there is a human being behind that opinion – whether it is something that is, in the long term, meaningless (like which two characters are going to wind up together) or life-altering like a political or religious belief.

ask myself why I am so upset about their opinion, and why it feels like a personal attack? If someone holds a view, why do I Fi-ishly have to make it all about me, and my reaction to it, rather than just being ‘okay’ with someone else not liking something or sharing an opinion that I hold? I then ask myself why I am feeling this way and why that thing matters to me?

whether this is something important enough to discuss with them or not? Many opinions are just opinions, and however much I might not like them, they are not actually hurting me or anyone else in any real way. Name-calling is not life-threatening. Someone not liking my favorite ship from my favorite show isn’t going to hurt me beyond feelings of mild resentment.

find out more about this person, and ask non-offensive questions to ‘feel them out’ more. Oftentimes, someone you disagree with can become a friend in time, or at least someone whose opinion you ‘understand’ from having talked to them more about why they hold the views that they do. 10 years ago, I would never have tolerated some of the friends I have now in the sense that we are very different politically and religiously – but in spending time talking to them, hearing them out, listening and not feeling threatened by their opinions even when I don’t agree with them, it has helped me ‘grow up’ my Fi into realizing that I don’t have to have everyone agree with my stance all the time to feel ‘okay.’

Something I encourage doing is that you allow yourself to feel angry, upset, or whatever, because you have every right to be hurt when people, especially those you love most, cannot see things your way. Do not invalidate your own opinions or feelings or think you are not allowed to have them, but DO calm down, take some deep breaths, and ask them questions to determine how they reached their conclusions and what drives their passionate response.

I ask myself if this were my post, how would I feel about that comment / getting that response? That diffuses my frustration a little bit, since it brings the focus back to reminding me that on the other side of that opinion is a PERSON with FEELINGS. Who has insecurities, anxieties, and life experiences that are not mine, and who is on a journey just like I am, toward ‘being themselves.’ In time, their views may change. They may not. It’s really none of my business. The only thing I have to live with right now is whether I intend to bring misery into their life by being ‘that jackass who responded to me online today.’ I believe in treating others as you would want to be treated, and for me, that means being kind. When I am unkind, I feel like crap about myself. I would rather not deal with that. So… I try to be nice / kind to others, for their sake and mine.

I remind myself that however I feel about it, the world is not a black and white place and not everyone has to live in accordance to my beliefs. This is important. I have a legitimate reason to feel offended, to hold my own views, and to stand by my morals – but zero right to impose my morality, views, or opinions on anyone else against their will. That is not the way to live or the person I want to be. It’s hard, but I remind myself that I am only in charge of, and responsible for, myself. I am the only person who has to ‘live’ with myself forever, therefore I should always act in accordance to what I know is right.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You are not going to change overnight. And being upset, for example, because someone hates Ben Solo or thinks he’s a crap villain  / the worst thing to happen to Star Wars doesn’t make you immature, it makes you human. It’s fine to vent to a friend who shares your opinion. ;)

- ENFP Mod

[light-of-being]

a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

1.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

2. 

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

3.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

5. 

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

6. 

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

.

.

.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

[randomnessunicorn-imagine]

Karkat, the amporas and porrim who has a fem S/o who is like a child innocent, dense and pure

{ Hello-! }

😇 Karkat Vantas 😇

What are you doing with someone like him? Seriously, it does not make sense or maybe it makes sense. A lot of sense. Jade is a kind, pure and lovely person, too (before she became crazy and badass). Karkat is her patron troll so I may imagine he would stay with a similar person but it won’t be easy at fist because of his harsh personality. He will be rude and unfriendly with S/O but he is like this with everybody. His hate has no discrimination. He is an asshole with everybody, it does not matter your personality! He is too insecure and self-conscious to trust people immediately. Karkat will take time before he can consider you as his friend. He is a difficult person with everybody. You must be patient and perseverant. After you and him become partner, he still asks why you lose your time with him. I mean, you can aspire  something better. He is an asshole. He does not understand.

😇 Porrim Maryam 😇

You are her little angel and she will always protect you. She adores you a lot.You know her maternal instinct is very developed so she will treat you like if you were her child. Actually, she often treats people like this (she even considers Kankri like her child).  Porrim usually is not a protective person and she trusts her partner a lot. Maybe she could become a little too protective because she sees you like an innocent creature and she is afraid people could take advantage of you and it would be terrible! She is also very clingy and  cuddly with you, she loves playing with your hair, donating you dresses and outfits, and she spoils you a lot. She calls you princess or diamond and then she is the best matesprite ever.

😇 Cronus Ampora 😇

He always pretends to be the cool and bad guy so it’s a dream having a S/O like you. You are his lovely Sandy and he is your Danny. It’s perfect. Then he always sings you songs and serenates with his guitar. He is particularly romantic but you have a good influence on him. He needs someone gentle and nice like you next to him because he always feels hatred by the other trolls so it’s awful. He is also very clingy and cuddly (he always is) and he could embarrass you but he likes doing it. He thinks you are super cute when you blush. He pretends to be a bad boy but he is actually very nice and misunderstood.Then if you are going to become a super sex doll like Sandy in Grease… Oh, wow-! This would drive him crazy!

😇 Eridan Ampora 😇

He is a complicated boy, too.He has a thing for kismesis relationships and at first, he tries to be your kismesis but he fails because it’s not your nature. You are not a bitch like Vriska so it cannot work. It’s still a miracle someone calculates him for a quadrant so he cannot waste this chance. It’s great you are calm and nice. Your presence relaxes him a lot. He has no reason to be angry with you. Just like Porrim, he would be very protective –but he would be anyway, it does not matter how you are, he is always protective and jealous-. It’s not a good thing because he thinks everyone is a possible rival for him and he becomes very hostile. It seems anybody can look at you that he thinks they want to steal you from him. Such an idiot! He is very insecure but it’s better discussing with him about this thing.

[traitor-boyfriend]

why do you think kyman is so popular? (ew)

okay so this has been sitting in my inbox for about a week or so now and i really just need to answer it and get it over with. really i think this is the most i’m ever going to say at length about kyman so here we go. also i’ve been drinking a little so i apologize in advance if my thoughts aren’t as cohesive as they could be lmao

to answer the initial question, i honestly have no idea. i have a few theories, but no real concrete answer as to why kyman as a ship is so popular; i’m speaking as someone who has had an intimate awareness of this fandom from the time i was ten, which is literally half of my life. i can’t recall kyman being a big ship, or even one of the more common rare-pairs 10 years ago – back then the major ships were style, creek, and k2 (almost pretty much in that order). 

kyman, as i know it and have observed it since i’ve re-familiarized myself with the show and its fandom, is more a development that’s largely happened within the past five years and i think the main contributor to this is that, within that same time period, there’s been a noticeable shift with how kyle and cartman’s dynamic has been written; in the beginning seasons, kyle and cartman are shown to equally despise each other. the cartman of seasons 1-4 isn’t exactly the cartman we know now – he started off as kind of a stereotypical fat little neighborhood bully, but he’s always been narcissistic, racist, selfish etc. just not to the same extent he is now. and back then, kyle and cartman interact as enemies would; they argue and fight constantly, openly express their disdain for each other to anyone who will listen, and actively conspire against the other. kyle and cartman were direct foils to each other. 

this has changed in the recent past. cartman and kyle aren’t really considered enemies anymore, but instead as rivals which i think is an important thing to note. now, they’re even occasionally on the same side of a conflict or event (such as tfbw). there has been a lot of focus in the past five or six seasons in the ways kyle and cartman are similar; they’re both temperamental and very angry people, incredibly competitive, both very driven and committed when they set their mind to something. kyle, to a lesser degree, also shares one of cartman’s worst traits; they’re both over-reactive and allow themselves to think the world is out to get them. obviously – and i cannot stress this enough – kyle has in no way the victim complex cartman has, but it is there nonetheless. the running theme with season 21 has been self-victimization, and while i don’t entirely agree with their idea that the potential destructive effects of habitual othering and alienation is, like, a concept of personal responsibility or individual desire to be a victim, other than heidi, kyle is a great example of this. for the last three seasons kyle has been the whipping boy in that no one wants his speeches, no one wants his moral lesson; no one wants his opinion. and kyle indirectly and without meaning to spearheads canada being bombed because he allows his emotions to dictate his action. there’s too many instances of cartman doing this exact thing with obvious malicious intent, but “the list” is another notable episode where kyle does the same thing; he feels slighted and estranged when everyone thinks he’s ugly, and instead of listening to reason from either stan or abraham lincoln, he decides the best choice of action is to burn down the school. my point is, kyle and cartman share quite a few personality traits and their interactions in recent seasons tend to highlight and expand on this rather than to treat them as divisive, opposite characters.

they’ve done a lot more as well to show that kyle, unlike his very early characterization in-series where he couldn’t give less of a shit if cartman died, now cares for him on – at the very least– a humanistic level. whereas kenny and stan are still mostly indifferent to cartman and what happens to him, kyle now often objects to directly conspiring to hurt or let cartman put himself in danger, even if he still despises him as a person. this started around season 8 or so with “up the down steroid” and i think this quote from kyle when he goes to cartman’s house best sums up what i’m talking about:

“I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but… this time I think you really need to reconsider. Because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you’re doing, and to put a stop to it.”

kyle’s constant drive to put a stop to cartman’s increasingly deranged and morally depraved antics are largely driven by a dedication to his ethics, yes, but this also shows that kyle does consider cartman a friend and objects to his behavior as such because he cares about what happens to him despite kyle routinely being repulsed and disgusted by who cartman is. he also is the only one to initially object to destroying cartman’s stuff in season 20, even though kyle is cartman’s most vocal and frequent critic, and is also shown to feel an inordinate amount of guilt than the other boys comparatively; this is a combination of kyle’s generally guilty personality as well as remorse for having done something to hurt a friend. there’s also the jewpacabra episode where, even after being pathologically belittled again for the millionth time on the basis of his being jewish by cartman, kyle still goes out in the middle of the night to unchain cartman, take him home, and put him in his bed. i worry this is beginning to sound like rationalization or even evidence on the kyman ship’s behalf that kyle has feelings for cartman in anyway, because it isn’t; it’s just elaboration on kyle’s character. kyle is a very sympathetic person, and that extends even to someone who he doesn’t like. there are plenty of examples of kyle being absolutely thrilled to see cartman be delivered a comeuppance or get the shit kicked out of him or be proven wrong, and more often than not, kyle genuinely hates cartman – there just are not as many recent examples, which is the time-frame i’m trying to stick to while talking about this ship.

there’s a lot to be said of cartman as a character. like, a lot. he’s incredibly complex, and while it makes him interesting as a character study, it makes him insufferable to watch. he’s always been terrible. that’s his appeal, i think, and what makes him so popular. cartman is the complete and utter embodiment of human id; he has no sense of the world outside himself, no remorse, and acts consistently in his own self-interest with little to deter him. and part of it is satisfying sometimes to see just how far cartman is willing to denigrate himself and others in pursuit of what he wants, because it’s that same morbid desire a normal person might occasionally feel but suppresses because of their conscience – something cartman does not have. 

i’d argue, given the inherent chaos and destruction and amorality the universe of south park exists in, that all of the main boys are traumatized to varying degrees. but i don’t think it’s all that controversial to say cartman exhibits the most outward signs of childhood trauma. plenty of people much more observant and intelligent than myself i’m sure have written about this before so i’m going to keep it brief, but a lot of cartman’s behavior can be explained this way. there’s been a few allusions to his having been sexually abused, inappropriate sexual contact with family members, the fact that he wets his bed or cries at night b/c he doesn’t have a dad are all things we learn when he can’t control what he says in “le petit tourette.” his physical and verbal aggression, emotionality, distrust of others, conniving behavior etc. are all common symptoms of adverse childhood experiences. he’s controlling and insecure, and cartman thrives off any and all attention – positive, which he often gets from his mother, or negative, which is usually provided by literally everyone else, especially kyle, which is what i think makes him so infatuated with kyle in that he’s an easy, reliable source to match his own aggression, to feed that desire for attention. unlike what a lot of kyman shippers think, it’s pretty obvious that this is why he goes to such lengths to save kyle in “smug alert”. butters doesn’t fight or push back against cartman the way he does, therefore cartman isn’t receiving the attention or reaction he wants.

there’s also the matter of cartman’s racism and anti-semitism. and to deny that cartman does not possess genuine confidence in his own deluded beliefs, or to excuse it b/c of his age is a major cop-out. he’s had moments where his racial hatred is founded in classic white-supremacist talking points, so he clearly espouses this shit of his own volition. because he’s attracted to power cartman idolizes conservative christian figureheads in pop culture (mel gibson ring a bell to anyone) and authoritarian dictators, of which racism is often a major component of such ideology, and this only emboldens his bigotry. there’s a couple instances in the very early seasons (i’m talking, like, pretty much exclusively 1 and 2) where cartman alludes to his racist tendencies stemming from liane, but i don’t really consider it fair to cling to that as a canonical source b/c one, it’s almost always for shock value as a quick joke, and two, they have since done a complete 180 on liane. they don’t harp on the joke about her being a whore the way they used to, and instead she’s shown to be a single mother who works two jobs and who loves her son unconditionally. but she’s also very lonely, and treats cartman as her friend instead of her son; she has no boundaries set with him and often entertains his schemes or delusions; she’s a classic over-indulging parent. which does a lot of harm without her meaning to. 

honestly, the entire relationship between cartman and his mother mostly just makes me sad, especially after the “tsst” episode; it’s the only time we see liane disciplining cartman in a firm but loving way, acting as a parent and not a hostage, and we see, in my opinion, what was the only instance wherein which cartman was capable of any meaningful or permanent change. and it’s all destroyed when liane realizes cesar and her’s relationship was purely professional and nothing more. even in group of moms, liane isn’t really considered one of them. her only friend is cartman, so she defaults to giving in to his every whim b/c she’s terrified of him resenting and leaving her as well. it’s like.. a really tragic situation. but that episode is important as it exemplifies the fact that, unlike the other boys, cartman incapable of change. his transformation is mostly superficial and incredibly short-lived. there’s a lot to be said of the nature of evil – whether some people are born that way, if it’s entirely nature vs. nurture – but cartman is obviously a combination of both; no one who doesn’t have some kind of genetic pre-dispostion to incalculable levels of cruelty and disregard for the suffering of others could plot to have someone’s parents killed, steal their bodies, grind them into chili and feed it to the child of those parents over sixteen dollars.

and this is what makes the cognitive dissonance that surrounds thinking kyman isn’t an abusive ship is astounding to me, because cartman is an inherently abusive person. he is incapable of the vulnerability or the selflessness or the compromise a relationship requires. i mean, christ, we just got an entire season that highlights how he acts within the confines of a romantic relationship with heidi – an entire season of cartman manipulating, gaslighting, and machinating events to have someone he supposedly loves killed or abducted. there’s an argument made pretty often among kyman fans that this wouldn’t happen to kyle, that kyle is capable of fighting back against cartman and would refuse to make himself vulnerable the way heidi did, but i have no idea how someone could says this after “ginger cow.”

kyle is by far the most frequent recipient of the proverbial short stick (passion of the jew, le petit tourette, tonsil trouble, pee, humancentipad, imaginationland, cartman’s incredible gift, etc b/c the list goes on and fucking on) and though cartman is not always the one directly spearheading the events that lead to kyle being put in those situations, he usually is. but the way he treats kyle in ginger cow differs so greatly from past events – a lot of cartman’s mistreatment of kyle can be viewed as him feeling he’s delivering punishment or retribution to a someone who he feels (wrongly) deserves it, but “ginger cow” just really epitomizes cartman’s complete and utter sociopathy. what he does to kyle in that episode is so far beyond mere humiliation; it’s dehumanization. cartman actively derives joy from breaking kyle down as a person, forcing him to be submissive, causing kyle to lose any sense of self. the kicker comes at the end of the episodes when stan’s misguided attempt to help ends up backfiring, but not really, because the prophecy of the red heifer had actually been true all along! yet cartman refuses to tell the truth; kyle’s suffering means nothing. and cartman, in true cartman fashion, makes a snide joke, farts into his hand, dollops whip cream in his palm and smears it in kyle’s face, walking off very satisfied with himself. even thinking about the episode makes me viscerally ill. 

i think just as troubling for me is the culture that surrounds people shipping the two of them; there is so, so, so much casual anti-semitism – people who think it’s cute when cartman accosts kyle for being jewish, people who use the word “jew” in a flippant, casual way as if it’s a term of endearment while completely ignoring the historical context of disparagement in a non-jewish person calling someone “a jew.” people who excuse cartman’s anti-semitism, who act like he hasn’t repeatedly been shown to adore hitler and emulate him, going as far as to rally the town behind him to lead in the effort to exterminate the jews and shouting nazi rallying cries. not to mention the fact that not only does there exist any one singular kyman fic centered around kyle being a holocaust victim during world war ii, there are a ton! which is so disgusting and disrespectful and so obviously amoral i can’t believe i just had to type that! and in the same line as fiction, it is so upsetting to me a prominent trend that occurs w kyman fics is cartman basically hatefucking kyle through the entire thing, physically and verbally abuses him and gets off on it, and kyle is this submissive, simpering slave to him – not to mention the plethora of straight up rape/non-con kyman fics. it a lot of either that, or kyle is some conduit for a shitty cartman redemption arc, and. ugh.

anyway, this is the most i’m ever going to say about kyman. the tl;dr version of this is that i think kyman is so popular b/c recent seasons have focused more on amplifying the ways in which kyle and cartman are similar as well as quite a few jokes being made about some weird sexual tension between the two of them. and not to harp on this, but i don’t ship kyman, and i don’t support it or even remotely tolerate it, really. the entire concept of those two together makes me quite literally physically ill lmao.

[bichngocluu]

Philosophical Film : “Waking Life” (2001)

(Source : rogerebert.com)

Best cartoon (or is it really a cartoon ?) I have seen lately. Philosophy and everything. 

“Waking Life” is an animated story about a nameless young man, played by Wiley Wiggins, who finds himself trapped in a continuous series of dreams. 

He walks or levitates from one scene to another, listening to a range of theories by philosophers, intellectuals and crackpots. The text commentary to the film states that “Waking life features a complex interweaving of conversations with professors, artists, writers and performers. The film is an exploration from many points of view of past and current trends in philosophy.”

During the first half of the film he listens to various peoples theories about human existence, saying very little himself. In the second half of the film Wiley realizes that he is stuck in a series of lucid dreams, and he attempts to wake up. As his efforts fail he considers that he may in fact be dead, and experiencing a dream-like condition in the afterlife.

Below are some of my favorite quotes with further explanations from site Philosophical Films (http://www.philfilms.utm.edu)

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On Dreaming :

Man on the Train: Hey, are you a dreamer? Wiley: Yeah. Man on the Train: I haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead, no one does it anymore. It's not dead it's just that it's been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming, every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced, ever. 

So whatever you do, don't be bored, this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ On Language :

“Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration and this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. 

But when it gets really interesting I think is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is like... frustration? Or what is anger or love? 

When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this byzantine conduit in their brain through their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? 

Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable.

And yet you know, when we communicate with one another and we feel that we have connected and we think that we're understood I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for.”

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On Human Interations :

(Source : Pinterest)

It's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner.

"Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. 

I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?

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On Existentialism and Responsiblility :

(Source : GIPHY)

I'm afraid we're losing the real virtues of living life passionately in the sense of taking responsibility for who you are, the ability to make something of yourself and feel good about life. 

Existentialism is often discussed as if it's, a philosophy of despair, but I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre, once interviewed, said he never really felt a day of despair in his life. 

The more you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as fragmented of marginalised, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sartre talks about responsibility, he's not talking about something abstract. He's not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about. It's something very concrete, it's you and me talking, making decisions, doing things, and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six billion people in this world, and counting, but nevertheless -what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms, it makes a difference to other people, and it sets an example. 

In short, I think the message here is that we should never simply write ourselves off or see each other as a victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are.

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On Choosing between Freedom and Security :

“We should not SUBMIT to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control. Those that control my life, and those that seek to control it EVEN MORE! I want FREEDOM! That's what I want, and that's what YOU should want! 

It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose of just some of the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control, make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty, our liberty, our destiny. 

We have GOT to realize we're being conditioned on a mass scale. 

Start challenging this corporate slave state! The 21st Century's gonna be a new century! Not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, of classism and statism, and all the rest of the modes of control... it's gonna be the age of humankind, standing up for something PURE and something RIGHT! What a bunch of garbag liberal, Democratic, conservative, Republican, it's all there to control you, two sides of the same coin! Two management teams, bidding for control of the CEO job of Slavery Incorporated!” 

(He argues that we are being conditioned on a mass scale to give up our freedoms, which society does by making us feel pathetic and small. Instead, Jones argues, we should embrace the “creativity and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit.” Isn’t it worth giving up some of our creative freedom in exchange for security?")

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On Politcs and Media and our Role in it :

(Source : GIPHY)

“Man wants chaos. In fact, he's got to have it. 

Depression, strife, riots, murder. All this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It's in all of us. We revel in it. Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things, painting them up as great human tragedies; but we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no! Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers that be want us to be passive observers. 

They haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting. "You want the puppet on the right, or the puppet on the left?" 

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On Pessimistic View about Human Beings :

(Source : Pinterest)

What are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? The answer to that can be found in another question and that's this: Which is the most universal human characteristic: fear, or laziness?

(Wiley visits UT Austin philosophy professor Louis Mackey, who argues that the gap between the average person and Plato is greater than the gap between the average person and chimpanzees. True genius, he argues, is rarely achieved, largely because of human laziness.)

[redlemonz]

Day #5

Back at it again - the feeling of utter emptiness somehow drowning me as I wake up to.. nothing. Knowing full well this would happen as it’s the curse of time partnering up with the brain again to remind you that this time last week, you were going to be with her very soon. Regardless of the nerves that you had, and the knowledge that it was all over, you still couldn’t wait to just see her and be with her. And fight a little bit for everything you love - though you knew you’d fail because there was no changing her mind (even though her heart didn’t even need changing). So of course I clench my fist and smack my thigh a little bit (trust me it’s certainly an upgrade from years ago) and curse the unfairness of life. Yeah it’s been a while, but I believe it’s probably a good idea that I’d better shed some of these tears before I go babysit in a couple hours.

Day 5 - a lonely weekend unlike the last

So babysitting my nieces soon as the sister and bro in law have to run some errands in their adult life, my parents have to look after some other business, and it’s the au pair’s time off. Which means the Godfather has to step up - fair enough and of course I’m willing but it makes me a little nervous at this point in time. Not because I’m no good at it, or I think anything would go wrong, because it wouldn’t - thankfully they do love me & I’m a great uncle and probably would make a super cool dad one day too - and yeah that’s kind of the problem. The reminder to myself that I had pictured her being the mother to my children one day. And a damn good mother she’d make too - She essentially looks after and cares for a farm of animals on her own pretty much, but that’s not it. She basically already has 3 kids in the form of 2 cats and BBT in which her maternal instincts openly shine so bright. The way she understands, cares for them and loves them in her own unique and selfless way as opposed to literally any other pet owner I’ve ever come across is simply heartwarming. Sure you could argue they’re animals or put forward any excuse to say I’m an idiot and am crazy for thinking the way I do - and yes I’ll probably agree that I am, but I did also fall in love with her more and more because of it. What made it so much better, and I guess now saddens me, is the fact that she’s actually met and gotten along with my nieces also. There was especially this one adorable moment where she was side by side with the eldest one, showing her the art of flower pressing. And of course my niece was ecstatic and loved it. And so do I. It was during Easter where she had come over to have lunch with my family, who also kept insisting she did. I was always afraid because I knew deep down that the commitment or something might scare her, and because it did take a lot of convincing, but in the end she did come with me (hurrah!). Conclusively it was easier to get her to come as her family was away, and well, it was Easter. More so - she helped me (okay it was all her idea even) to set up a little last minute Easter egg hunt in our backyard for my nieces. I’ll be honest I’m not usually a fan of the family gatherings as they’re all quite loud, overly cautious about things, and there’s just too much going on - I don’t exactly fit in very well so often feel out of place and am just quiet, unless playing with nieces. I can safely say that simple little lunch on that day was one of my highlighted family gatherings - because she was by my side the whole time. I felt more at peace and secure in my own family which is saying something, considering they’re my loving family after all. Holding her hand and smiling at her, or just even gazing at her… that’s my thing. I would do it so much without even realising, until she would look back and ask me “what?” (Fair enough I’ve pretty much just been staring at you a bit, it must be getting creepy, if you can’t otherwise tell my efforts to hide a crazy smile). I would just reply saying it’s nothing and continue to hide most of that huge grin on the inside, and give her a little smile on the outside. This was just my way of telling you that I love you so much. You filled my heart with unimaginable joy and my stomach with constant butterflies. What I loved even more, was that every day I fell in love with you all over again.. while I already loved you. But now - as I’ve reached day #5, and no matter how positive a day prior may have ended, as each new day begins, knowing you’re no longer with me in that way is what makes my heart suffer. It’s a genuine struggle and I can’t help but continue to hate myself so much for ruining everything, but even more so, for ever hurting you. All the moments I’ve made you angry or watched you draw tears, in addition to those moments which may have been hidden from me, I wish I could just take it all back and just show you how much I love you instead & how you mean the world to me. I realise that I can be a broken record, but I’m sorry. Words can only achieve limiting possibilities after all, even more so when you have a somewhat restricting vocabulary. Which is why I try to show you, and want to be able to show you for the rest of my life that I just simply love you. But I’ve stepped on too many land mines now, and the remainder of the field is just a mess. You’ve given up on me, and on us. And that’s fine - so long as you’re happy, it’s all that matters.

So I watched a bunch of Pokemon with the kids, and an episode of Elmo on Sesame Street for the younger one afterwards because Pokémon was getting too scary apparently (she kept cuddling up to me & holding my hand). Loved every moment, but also made me miss her cuddles from last weekend (+sick day monday). She would just fit right in perfectly, and you would feel as though you’d be protecting her (even though she’s probably tougher than me), and that there’d be nobody else in the world. And in that moment we’d always be complete. With her in mind, I then took the kids outside for a breath of the fresh air, and to utilise the fact that it was actually a beautiful, sunny day (it really is tragic when the sun on its own literally makes you think of her). So we went to the playground and I pushed the little one on a swing, and it all kinda felt nice and wholesome. The only thing missing was her to set the scene of one-big-happy-family. As always, way too melodramatic buddy - but what does it matter anymore. On the lighter side, damn could she swing (in a PG way). So much so that she’d look like she was about to go around the full swing set and break the chain which was almost worrying. But seeing the thrill on her face was always so rewarding. Back on a recent mad dash down to her, where her friends drove down also, there was this moment where we all went to the park and turned into kids at a playground again. She was in her element as she swung side by side with one of her friends limitlessly, as mentioned above. Not that it was a competition at all to see who could swing the furthest, but she totally won. Even with that, and with almost everything in general she does, it brings me joy. I felt intrigued most days with her, that there’s always some ongoing mystery to uncover, even though I’m fairly certain I know her pretty well. It’s always this tight rope hoisted around me that she can draw me in with, whenever she wants. Yes, I know that it all kinda sounds like a fantasy in my head, yet again, but I cannot deny that she does in fact have that effect on me by taking me on a this beautiful continuous journey as if it were a dream. Well I suppose I mean that in past tense now? Or not? I don’t know. Anxiety growing. The worst part is that I’m about to go to the gym (because I really need to force some exercise into me) as it tends to drive my anxiety through the roof. Not just because the rate that my heart beats at is spiking and accelerating like mad (though it would be a contributing factor), but because it’s the main arena in which my mind decides it’s time to really break all my walls down, if I go alone - which I mostly do. It’s the primary point of self-reflection upon all my negative memories and thoughts (without choice) at an all time high which leads to insecurities at an all time high, which leads to self-hatred at an all time high, which equals anxiety at an all time high. And me at an all time low. There’s also suicidal themes that may incur from time to time, but let’s not dwell into that much grimness, considering having those thoughts in your head on their own is a bad start, if experience has taught me anything. Not that you can control those very much either. For now - let’s just focus on getting through.. and not doing any classes (because I’m horrible at those & only enjoyed doing them with her anyway). Deep breaths. You got this.

Back home. Well that went along pretty accurate to my description, but I survived. Shitty part is that I had another surprising waterworks session that I didn’t see coming on the drive to the actual gym. Not the greatest pre-work out formula I would guess, but hey, I should get use to not expecting certain outcomes happen in the way they did. It didn’t help that I subconsciously decided to bike for a warmup, which reminded me of our pleasant cycling adventures around the lake only 3 weeks ago. And so my mind began to scramble itself even more than the eggs I ate for breakfast. For the rest of the session, all I could think about is how quickly I went from having everything & taking it for granted, to having nothing but regret for my behaviour. With the effort we both put in for our trip to meet in the middle a few weeks ago, and regardless of some fighting, it was still a lovely and romantic getaway - with both of us finding it difficult to part ways at the end, as we said goodbye to each other with a mass of hugs and kisses in the car back outside the lodge we stayed at. I would like to quickly digress, and also add that she is a great chess opponent (though I’m pretty sure I’ve clarified that she’s great at everything). That being said, it was the last time she sat in my car, little would I have known at the time. Then came the beauty after our ending, which happened last weekend (+sick day monday. I would be seeing her face literally this minute last week as I got off the plane) where everything was pure magic. Our flame had suddenly burned bluer and brighter than ever. So I keep pondering with myself at the gym, why. I suffer through this stage of denial as it creeps its way in for the moment. I want to keep fighting because I know we have something unbreakable between us no matter how much we try to hammer away at it. It’s just not worth the effort anymore to her. After everything. I will never completely understand but there’s no point questioning it, or explaining it, or arguing it with her - she always wins. Her mind is made up, and is stronger than the structure she views as us. All the romantic gestures and thoughts flow into my mind, including driving down 5 hours this very instant to see her. Even to request a transfer down there, or attempt to get a new job. I could rent out a place of my own and maybe we could see each other often enough and things would just get back to normal, and I would hold her in my arms again. My brain is already trying to figure out the details, whilst my heart gets excited. And there you have it - the fact that my brain is once again manipulating a false hope and in turn torturing my heart, portraying a fictional happy ending that is unachievable based on everything that’s happened. Based on the fact that she is completely done with me, and would absolutely despise me if I were to make these choices. As you can tell, it’s these hasty thoughts influenced by love and good intention that get me in trouble, as I fail to see the bigger picture and understand how it would really affect her. Selfish. But now I’m trying my best to - so I can’t do any of that stuff. Because I’ve put her through enough hell.

It’s the Saturday where I’ve had a few different friends try reach out to me with plans and such. But I politely decline - as I just can’t handle it at this time, more than I already have to at work & soccer. In fact my responses are limited, if they exist to begin with, because I just don’t have the capability to speak as much (irony within breaking the fourth wall, I know. This is different). Furthermore, one of those said invites was to a party - which I certainly more-so than a casual coffee, cannot handle right now. Way too much social interaction required and I’m too worn down currently to even handle a simple conversation in that setting. Sure, I could have a couple drinks and mellow out and make it through - except that I am in no way touching alcohol during this time in my life. Thankfully, based on my horrible prior experiences, I’m sensible enough to stay away from that - not a good mix, and certainly not an effective antidote. Certainly not consuming one drop of that, because the punishment would be never ending and events that follow could even be catastrophic and fatal, who knows? Not me tonight.. or any other night until I’m comfortable and ready. The only person I actually want to talk to and feel comfortable with, even at this incredibly shitty and vulnerable time is my one best friend whom I can’t talk to. Because she’s currently trying to forget, and let go of me. As I keep saying.. fair enough.

Okay so here comes a potentially controversial argument I’ve been putting off, but will try to keep it brief and to the point. I’ve continuously been comparing the ending of us to death, and could even argue that it’s worse in some circumstances - which is why the pain is of similar value, if not worse. Though I have to admit that I do have very limited experience with death (not nil however) of a loved one. The fact of the matter is - when a loved one dies, you don’t have a choice or any say in attempting to change that fate. Once it’s happened, it’s irreversible, and it’s final (excuse the common sense). All you can do is try to move on, because they’re gone, and that’s it - it’s not an episode of Supernatural. Whereas on the other hand, this, my kind of ending that I’m experiencing is on the basis that it has been voluntarily sentenced to its execution. Ultimately there is a choice here, where it can (and I’m sorry but I just can’t help but rightfully believe this so much after the last weekend especially) be fixed, and everything can be fine. But because it’s supposedly not worth it anymore, it’s time for it to die. Which I can understand, even though I’m stubborn and don’t wish to. What is especially difficult, and what I can’t handle within the comparison is the fact that, this significant other that you’ve been sharing your life with is still out there living their life and trying to move on, by choosing to essentially act as if you have died to them, so to speak. And you have, in a way. It just pains more when you’re living and breathing, and not beneath the ground as that very loved one mourns you. Hello? I’m right here.. but supposedly this all can’t be fixed because it’s not worth the effort, so instead you’ve decided to kill me off as that protagonist in your life. Would it even make a difference if I really was under the ground? Sometimes I wish I was.. life would be simpler that way (ha-ha). Which is why I wish we could all just love each other in a relationship, knowing we have limited time together and making the most of that. You get too comfortable, because there’s still so much life ahead of you, and therefore it doesn’t end up being worth the effort. But you don’t know that. Your life’s expiration could be around the corner, and much sooner than you think. Which is why if you have love, you should keep it, because it’s worth fighting for - not giving up on. Unless you’re in love with me I guess, because fair enough - fuck that, as I’m just a colossal mess who nobody deserves to put up with, let alone her. Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t intend to belittle the suffering felt by the death of a loved one in any way at all. I just genuinely do believe for myself that it’s essentially the same fundamental feeling - sometimes not as bad, and sometimes even worse, depending on each unique circumstance, and depending on how each unique person perceives, aka who you are. And I’m no one of particular (or any, for that matter) importance so it doesn’t really matter if I were to just disappear into oblivion.

I can’t stop thinking about her (unsure if that’s clear enough yet? - By this point I’ve probably even exhausted the sarcastic comments which are in place to avoid repetition, which is just inevitable given the circumstances). I just want to know about her day, and what she’s been up to, especially her weekend. Maybe she went surfing, or visited her uncle or aunty. Maybe skateboarding? Roller skating? Swimming, or the snow again, a nice walk on the beach, trampolining.. anything, the possibilities are truly endless with a girl like her. She’s a keeper alright - I wish. Damn I was a lucky bastard to even have her at all. Maybe she’s even just sitting there watching TV now. I wish I could cuddle up and watch with her, as she sips her cup of tea and strokes kitty by her other side. The feeling of loneliness without her continues to grow, and I know that it can’t be fulfilled by another soul. Nothing at all from her today either. Maybe my couple snaps this morning bugged her, who knows. Even so, she travels further along down the other side of the bridge, away from me. And I can’t follow. Perhaps in the spirit of us this time last weekend, I’ll just try go to bed early with my precious memories. Yeah, that’ll do - hit replay for the millionth time on that so you can at least smile, as she smiles. Goodnight cutie.

_______

Day 5 - continued - what..?

10pm - couldn’t sleep, had a red bull instead. Browsed through all these jobs in her region whilst watching some crappy new Netflix show where the guy obviously takes his partner for granted (too real - yeah I don’t care enough to list any more details, so deal with the generic one I care about). I don’t qualify for any, or would have to take a massive pay cut. No no, I’m definitely not thinking of doing anything crazy - I wouldn’t even have the ability to attend an interview anyway. Plus I’ve already established that there’s no point. Wouldn’t change anything and she’d probably hate me for it. So I’m not okay? - I was just curious. Have to keep convincing myself of that. Pop up notification received whilst this was happening though on snap, that she was “typing a message”, although no message actually ended up being received. Not going to look into it and break myself further. Just nice to know she’s.. thinking about me? Though it was probably a mistake.. she didn’t end up sending anything after all. I’ll believe what I want to help me sleep, thank you. And yes, of course I ended up looking into it.. so yeah fuck it, she's alone in the house. I'll just send a message to make sure she's okay. Can't take chances with her, and also not gonna let this lie upon my conscious. I might regret it otherwise, and well, she's still my best friend.