#and why it's so good that Nol didn't say his feelings

[trashlie]

Hello, random anon here who really really loves your posts and who has been so very inspired by all these incredible bouncing thoughts! One thing that's lingered on my mind after reading everyone’s incredibly rich analyses is the idea of Nol and Shin-ae finally meeting on common ground; to meet face-to-face without barriers of blindness. I think it’s purposeful that in both of their most recent interactions, it’s the imbalance between them that ultimately forces Shin-ae and Nol apart: During their dance, Nol literally blinds himself, and of course literally it is to hide his tears, but it also subtextually indicates how he has to impair himself to be at her level–because how could he say her pure, radiant joy without romantic connotations? And then of course, Shin-ae is literally blinded by her inability to understand both Nol’s and her own feelings, and we see just how painfully uneven their conversation is as a result! Like you put it, they’re reading from different pages in a book–or maybe more aptly, they’re reading from the same book but only Nol knows the translation and Shin-ae’s just looking at the pictures? I’m so sorry that analogy is so convoluted but hopefully makes a little sense…

And honestly, on that basis, I’m really glad Nol didn’t confess, because how unfair would that be to Shin-ae? Her conflicting feelings about Dieter aside, it would be like teaching someone to read by pointing at the words and yelling at them to match the sounds to the letters instead of letting them understand what the characters meant first–it puts her in such a passive, reactive position because they wouldn’t actually be communicating; he’d more just be imposing onto her. Instead, now Shin-ae can have time to recalibrate, sleep (my poor girl needs some sleep lol) and figure things out for herself. I think it’s fitting that by the end of the resolution of this arc, it will be on Shin-ae’s shoulders to be active, to make that move, because she’s been so heavily disadvantaged since Nol realized his feelings, since her entire perception of him has been uprooted and she’s had to redefine everything for herself (my poor girl really really needs some sleep :”DD). Because Shin-ae comprehending the gravity of her feelings–why she reaches out time and time again, constantly grasping for him despite her past history of betrayal, despite how volatile and unsteady he is–gives her autonomy to choose him and know what that choice means. She needs to be the one to determine the course forward for both of their sakes!

On that note… oh boy. I think one of the things I really admire about Stalkyoo as a pairing is how just in-synch that they end up in multiple moments. They’re soulmates in every sense of the word because if nothing else, they’re drawn to each other on the basis of their shared thoughts and feelings. My favorite detail that really emphasizes this synchronization is the shared speech bubbles–something that a viewer would probably miss on first read, but shows just how in-tune they are to each other, how they reflect two sides of the same coin. More so, they showcase the moments where they’re most synchronous, operating at the same rhythm–and in both cases where they show up, the interaction is just effortless. And look… I might be very delusional but I’m really hoping that this regaining of at least somewhat more even ground could lead to something like that again. We already saw a glimpse of it during their dance–even Shin-ae commented on it!–but at the same time that divide still existed, and I think you could definitely point out that Nol was definitely taking the reins due to it. The knowledge of both their feelings, the sudden, entire change in their dynamic as the weight of everything falls onto their shoulders needs room to solidify and take root, but it could also lead to that wholly shared experience–the kind that’s just wholly theirs. And if the shared speech/thought bubbles make a re-entrance……. I actually don’t know I would just jjgeieghiegoo. For this arc in particular–heck, even these consecutive arcs where Nol and Shin-ae’s dynamic has been thrown so utterly off-balance, where Shin-ae has been left grappling with so much to carry and come to terms with and yet it has done nothing but solidify how much she cares and loves him, how she will reach out in spite of it… the hospital arc in general has literally been a moment of calm in comparison to the rest of it, where they can finally settle and Nol cannot run and it has somehow become a bed for literal forced introspection? Lmao????--I feel like a regaining of such a pivotal part of them and their shared feelings and synchronization is just kind of, thematically, the perfect place to end it off? And if I’m not being delusional and that actually is the case I’d be so so so excited for that because aghghghhhh I love this angst because the resolution and pay-off will be so so good and I can’t wait to see how this will take us there.

Oh anon I love you pls accept my confession I am sitting in my little office shouting YES YES YESSSSS at the ceiling AAAAHHHHHHHH you have such a good way of saying things that I'm about to pounce allll over!

The fact that both of them are blind in different ways is one of my FAVORITE things to come out of this episode (and I love that you put it far more succinctly than I could). The impairment because he CANNOT absolutely CANNOT be normal (platonic) about dancing with her lmao. Actually what really gets me about that moment is that when she brings up him leaving and breaks that dream moment and he starts crying, he could just as easily hide in the bathroom or something but he insists on having the dance anyway. He wants it, even if he's in this state, but yes, he has to hide it because honestly? Seeing that joy, that delight on her face? Would probably make him cry MORE. Would be so unbearable! In that moment he is dancing with her knowing how he feels, what he wants. Even crying, he probably wouldn't be able to hide those feelings UUGGGGHHHH excuse me while I HOWL about this oh my GOD

But, yes! Mutually blind and only Nol knows how to translate that page they're on! I love the idea that she's only seeing the pictures, she doesn't know how they go together she's missing the captions and the text. She's so busy trying to make sense of the pictures in the only way she knows how that she isn't taking in the necessary information to figure it out!

Also I LOVE how you put it - that it's like telling her the word instead of teaching her to read it herself! It's so important for Shinae to learn to navigate her feelings without being spoonfed or told what it means. She IS a bit socially stunted - not dramatically, but we know she lacks Nol's art for reading the room lol we know there's a lot she's never experienced before. How do you identify love when you don't really know what it looks or tastes like? How do you learn to define something so intense and grand as that? @poisonheart puts it SO WELL in showing how Nol compares to Minhyuk because this is all she has to compare it to. How can this be anything BUT friendship but caring? And that's just not it. It's not that it's NOT that - it's that it's a different form that she has to discover.

I think it’s fitting that by the end of the resolution of this arc, it will be on Shin-ae’s shoulders to be active, to make that move, because she’s been so heavily disadvantaged since Nol realized his feelings, since her entire perception of him has been uprooted and she’s had to redefine everything for herself

This is what I love SO MUCH about Nol not speaking his feelings yet. It's so easy to influence someone or impose your feelings without meaning to. When you think about it, even a confession is, to some degree, a burden; it's just that when it's received well it's not considered that way. Shinae felt that burden when she rejected Dieter, but she still felt it trying to navigate friendship with him - when he looked at her that way at the amusement park, when he talked about what he likes about her.

But especially because Nol is that person who feels like he is so unlovable - so dangerous, so monstrous, that his love will only end up hurting someone - to leave it to her to make that move, to consciously choose him knowing what it entails, how he feels about himself. To actually chase and hold on to him knowing WHY she's fighting so hard to keep him. She wants to see HIM - his face! She wanted to share that INCREDIBLY tender dance together and see each other. And when she finally sits back and realizes those feelings, when she can comprehend the gravity of her need to hold him close to keep him from leaving, when she can understand exactly what she actually fears about him throwing all of this away - god it will be SO good!!!!!!!

Because as much as Nol is scared - and we know he's SO scared - she will probably be, too. Such new, raw, overwhelming feelings, feeling something about someone that she has never really felt before - even if she's been feeling it all along!!!!! - would be SO scary. And it would be AWFUL to be put on the spot, confessed to and made to confront her own feelings before she's ready, before she knows them. Nol nudging her is THE best option - make her ruminate on why she cares, what he means to her.

Shinae being the one to address it, to choose to do anything about it, is what makes it so special. Even if it ultimately ends up that she can see she does, in fact, love him but it scares her so much but she still doesn't want to let him go. For Nol, who thinks he's so unlovable, to be unconditionally loved would be so LAKFJAFJKAFJAFJ ;A; /ROARS I don't have words!!!!!! lmao I cannot get over the significance of it being on her shoulders, of her being the one who induces resolution - because there's no way he's going to jail without this resolving. Even if she's afraid of her feelings, she will still find a way to face him, so that he doesn't leave without knowing.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm getting so ahead of myself and I just can't help it!!!!!

But yes yes there's something SO good about Shinae having that agency in a story where it's felt like she's had SO little agency. Even in her own relationship with Nol where he has tried to strip her and the boys of their agency! For her to be able to turn back around and say that she's made her decision? Oh I LOVE that for her! Maybe this is me out on my delusional limb but I feel like obviously Nol would not be pushing this way if he didn't want it, you know? Like, it's so easy to be like "This is Nol, though, he'll keep pushing her away" - but yeah, this is Nol and he doesn't half-ass like anything he does. That morning when he realized when she was out of the room that he was not responding to morphine but was, in fact, responding to Shinae? That he was finding comfort in Shinae?

When she returned with their friends and the sweetest birthday celebration, when she hastily pulled together a celebration for him when she pointedly made sure that he knew he was loved.

When she stayed by his side so insistent that she not sleep that she not let him slip through her fingers again that she keep herself awake so that she doesn't miss a remaining moment

When she got so shy and embarrassed about the gift she thought so lackluster but touched him right where he needed it, pulled together all those little moments and what they meant - really meant - to him.

He acted so decidedly! It wasn't a flippant little flirty flirty that just happens. It was him, seeing her for all that she means to him, seeing her as this person he feels so deeply about and acting on it.

SCREAMS LKAFKJAFKJFAJKFAJA anon i am DYING i'm trying oh my god i'm trying ;A;

That's the thing. Nol had decided. He knew and he knew what he wanted even when he inevitably pushed her away. You can tell that he didn't even WANT her to go that time - he's just so lost in his own fears and insecurities and yes that he could not bear to look at her during a moment like that when he feels like that - and the regret was INSTANT.

He had every opportunity to hide, to deny those feelings to squash them down. He, too, could have lied and denied what it is, that it means anything, but he knows and he knows Dieter knows and by telling Shinae to convince him - convince him it's only friendship, convince him it's not anything more, convince him this is normal platonic amounts of love and care - he was giving her that agency.

He wants her to tell him what he suspects - what his insecurities and fears won't let him believe. He wants her to be honest with herself and understand why she holds him so dearly, lifts him so high, why she puts up with everything he throws her way and still keeps trying.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I TOLD YOU I CANNOT BE NORMAL THE HINGES ARE ALL THE WAY OFF I'M SO UNHINGED I AM DRUNK ON THEM ;___________;

God where was I?

And if the shared speech/thought bubbles make a re-entrance……. I actually don’t know I would just jjgeieghiegoo

I WILL ALFJKAFJKAFJ AFLKJAFKJFAJKAFKJJAFFJAKAF I don't even have words for it because I've already gone so feral that I cannot emphasize how MUCH the return of the thought bubbles will make me shed my humanity and become a wild, carnal creature howling in the woods.

I, TOO, LOVE THIS ABOUT THEM SO MUCH!!!!! The mirroring!!!! The reflection of how they both feel, the things they struggle with so much!!!!!!! The THOUGHT! OF SHARED THOUGHT BUBBLES ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER! WHAT THEY MEAN TO EACH OTHER. THE SHARED/MUTUAL FEAR OF LOSING THE OTHER AND HOW MUCH THEY MEAN OH MY GOD alfkjkajfjkafkjafjf

Nol and Shinae a mirror to each other - to their fears and insecurities and struggles BUT TO MIRROR THE GOOD THINGS, TOO. How fiercely they believe in each other, how much the other means to them, what they have done to help each other grow!!!!!!!!!!! Not even the same thing but thinking of that smile Nol wore when Shinae used his words to tell Dieter to stop beating himself up!!!!!!!!!! Using his words to become a kinder, more considerate version of herself (or rather, to be the version of herself she's always been but just down her walls). Even that time after the nuggie hands and the shared earbuds (HOW DID SHE SURVIVE THAT) when his words played over her mind that night GOD. I LOVE! THEM! Seeing something in each other because they've seen it in themselves! That is something I look so forward to about them synching up. There are always going to be times they fall out of sync - that is human nature. We stumble we miss a beat we miss a step - but being right there to help each other back up. The "I, too, have stumbled like this and I, too, will believe in you" and GOD aflkjafkjfjkajakjkafjkafjkafjaf

That's what just GETS to me about them so much!!!!!!!!! It's that, yes!!!!!!!! How good they are when they're in synch and what it does for them as people, how it helps them continue to grow and nurture each other as well as themselves ;_____; There is so much potential between them and I don't think they would be mirrored the way they are if it was all for naught. Nol can read Shinae so well because there's so much of himself in her. They share that same self-loathing!!!! The wanting to care but being afraid. Nol claimed he didn't want those relationships to mean anything - yet he still reached out. He still wanted to be a friend. Deep down he wanted to be proved wrong, that he, too, is loveable, that he, too, can bring goodness into the world even if he can't bring it to his own life I'M ANGUISHED

Shinae has that same determination and resolve to fight off help and to go at it alone, and that's why she knows she has to be persistent. Why, instead of feeling like maybe he's a lost cause and she should give up, she knows what he really needs is that persistence, and maybe a new angle.

And lmao isn't that the thing - she doesn't know it but she already has that angle!!!!!!!!! She can reach him in a different way, on a different plane. He wants her to!!!!!!!! Even though he tells himself no he's waiting for her to take that key and open the door!!!!! AAAUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH

i feel so much alfjafkajkf LMAO

Anon, when those shared thought bubbles return I'm running to you. I know you're an anon and I can't run TO you but pls! Heed my Stalkyoo signal when I banshee shriek into the night

But yes I totally agree! To me it feels like we CANNOT move the story forward without them on the same page again. That's what all of their discord is about, what their confrontation is about! I keep repeating this, but to lead into Nol off to prison with no resolution of their feelings is just as bad as if he'd not showed up at this party. In fact, it would undo all of that because what would if all mean if they left things unresolved, festering and becoming bitter and unpleasant.

Nol physically cannot run away - and there's a part of him that's becoming more resolved, I think. He kicked Shinae out, sure, but when he doesn't have to fight to get through to her? If she returns armed with the knowledge (WITH THE KEY TO THAT DOOR!!!!) If they can read the page together, understand it together, if they stand together in sync on the same page aware of everything between them?

GOD you're right. If not now, when?

IF NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN, WHY FIGHT NOW?

I can't take this. The next couple months will be EXCRUCIATING AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[snugglebug-92]

walking in on Rutger fucking another girl in the bed you share, he is trying beg for you back but then Nolan sends him a snap of you in his bed messy hair and hickies

NSFW content

You had just gotten back to your house after a long day of classes and work. You saw Rutger's moped in your driveway so you quickly grab everything out of your car before dropping it off on the couch. You shower figuring he was probably sleeping or doing homework since he hadn't come down and none of your roommates had come down to say anything. You make him a sandwich knowing he hadn't eaten since he got there who knows how long ago.

As you walk into your room wearing one of his sweatshirts and a messy bun not bothering to put pants on your scream. The plate falls to the floor as you see your boyfriend plowing into another girl from behind.

"Shit sorry wrong room," you squeak running out of the room tears streaming down your face. You hear a few doors open before your best friend Hannah comes upstairs.

"Girl what the fuck- oh my gosh are you okay," she questions taking in your state.

"Rut with a girl in my room," is all you can get out before you completely break down. Hannah's face turns to an unreadable expression as Rutger comes barreling down the stairs.

"Baby I'm so sorry please let me explain," Rutger says pulling you into his arms.

"No," you say pushing him away.

"Baby, what do you mean no?" he questions.

"No no no," you say as you run out of the house. You drive to Nolan's knowing he could help you. Your brother always said if you needed anything you could go to Nolan's. You knock on the door and Jay answers before taking in your appearance.

"Shit summers what happened to you," Jay questions.

"Nollie," you sniffle hoping he would understand that you just wanted the boy. Jay ushers you in the house and sits you on the couch. He sits down on the couch next to you as he waits for Nolan to get home.

"Hey, guys why is y/n's car in the driveway?" Nolan questions when he gets home 45 minutes later.

"She's not doing good. She just fell asleep but Rutger cheated on her. She's in your room," Jay says before going to his room. Nolan goes up stairs quietly. He slides his shirt off tossing it in the hamper before taking his jeans off and placing them over his desk chair. You stir as he walks out of the room to go shower. When he comes in just a towel you almost moan. You always thought Nolan was hot but he was off-limits. Not only was he your older brother's teammate but you also have or well had a boyfriend. Nolan not knowing you were up drops his towel giving you a full view of his ass. Nolan walks to his dresser to grab a pair of boxers. He slides them on before climbing into bed next to you. He wraps his arm around you and you slowly grind backward against his dick. His arm moves to grip your hip holding you in place.

"Sunshine, are you sure you want to do that?" he moans against your neck.

"Nolan please," you whisper as Rutger calls your phone. You decline the call and straddle Nolan.

"Look sunshine I'm fine if you want to use me to get over Rutger. If you me to fuck you so you can get over him I'll do that. But I don't want to make things weird," he says cupping your jaw.

"Please, Nolan. I just want to feel okay," you say dropping your forehead against his.

"I can make you feel good," he says sliding his hands under your sweatshirt. You grind your hips against his and a switch flips. He places kisses along your jaw leaving hickey after hickey. He takes your sweatshirt off and cups your breasts before leaving a trail of hickeys to your left breast. He sucks your boob before continuing down to your panty line.

"Fuck Nol please do something," you moan. He pulls your panties down and runs a finger through your folds before slowly inserting it in you. You are just about cumming when your phone rings again.

"I'll get it," Nolan says continuing to finger you. What you didn't know was he answered the phone. Rutger starts rambling when he realized you picked up. While Ruger continues to ramble Nolan takes his boxers off before rolling on a condom. He rubs his tip through your folds while moaning out his name.

"Baby, are you at Nolan?" Rutger questions. Nolan slams into you and your eyes roll back into your head. Nolan continues to thrust into you while Rutger keeps rambling about how sorry he is and how it was a mistake.

"Holy shit Nolan right there," you moan out catching Rutger's attention again.

"Baby, what are you doing?" Rutger questions not understanding what's going on. After a few seconds of you not responding he hangs up and starts on his way to Nolans.

"Fuck you feel so good around me," Nolan moans out.

"I'm gonna cum," you moan. Nolan drops his hand to circle your clit as you clench around his dick. Nolan's hips sputter as he cums in the condom before pulling out of you.

You turn to look at your phone and see texts from Rutger asking if you are at Nolan's and saying he's on his way. You show Nolan and the texts. He just shrugs.

"Wanna send him a picture of the aftermath?" Nolan laughs.

"Okay," you laugh as Nolan sends Rutger a picture of you covered in hickeys.

[youuuimeanmee]

There must be tons of things inside Nol's mind the moment his birthday party is over. He must be mulling over what he contemplate during the week after he and his friends parted ways, what lead him up to this point.

Nol has been self-depecrating for years; he was depressed and guilty for what happened in the past. He felt like he doesn't deserve to live and be happy, even if he wanted to. He thought making friends be happy could be his way to atone his sins. But no, he feels like he made everything worse, because he lead them into danger (read: Yui) instead. He endangered them. And he already likes them so much at this point so when they parted, it just leads to another heartbreak.

Shinae calling him a fake person was just adding salt to his wound.

After spending a week mulling over her words, he came to a conclusion that no amount of good deeds he has done will ever be enough to save himself, and he needs to get over his friends because he's undeserving of their love after deceiving and hurting them; Shinae might be the catalyst of Nol's drastic change.

Making friends was a mistake; that's what he believed. That's probably what promted him to go to Alyssa's christmas party because he wanted to forget all the "mistakes" he made. He belonged with his "family," sarcastically speaking. He just wanted to stop giving a fuck to anything. Until he met Shinae again.

She lifted him up, she's using such sweet words to lure him out, she even shared her painful past to try to relate to him. Even after he wrecked her best friend's party and told her to stay away, somehow she still finds her way to save him. She even organized this little party for him. Not to mention, the awkward morphine misunderstanding; yet, she didn't leave. Just how could she stayed by his side after he hurted her from his lies and deceit? He knows how much trust issue Shinae has, so how come she still trust him? Nol really wanted to know.

Then, he saw her gift.

The oranges and the doodle: a reminder of how they meet and the first 24 hours they spent together.

The birthday note: An opposite of what she used to say (Humans suck), and the answer of his question, "why she decided to accept him the first night they met."

Seeing her gift made him realize, maybe, she is the gift all along.

Seeing the oranges and the doodles, he's reminded how lucky he is to have meet Shinae.

Seeing the birthday note, he realized how fortunate he is for asking her to be his partner.

If it wasn't for her, he probably wouldn't even make it to end of the year, and that's not an exaggeration.

She is the mirror that reminded him that he -- the Nolan inside Yeong-Gi mask -- is not okay at all.

She inspired him to try once again with his "family."

When the world told him he's unwanted, she was there to accept him.

They laughed and bickered like old friends.

She gave him a reason to return to this world.

Even after he hurted her, she still hold onto him to share their pain together.

She becomes the bridge to the people who genuinely love him.

She gives him more happiness than he could hold. She gave him reasons to keep living.

And she would not be here if it's not for his efforts to be her friend.

Making friends was not a mistake, it turns out. All the good deeds he has done, it wasn't for naught. All the pain he endured -- especially in the last 3 months -- as Yeong-Gi has finally payed off with a true, loyal friend staying by his side in this moment. She started to make him believe he (might be) wasn't that much of a bad guy, because it seemed like God has accepted some of his repentance. Making friends was not a mistake, or was it?

It's true his perseverance has payed off, but we can't deny all the adventures he went through in the last 3 months is because of Shinae. She has been a force that pushed him to be more involved with the Hiraharas, whether he likes it or not. It leads him to trauma, tears, heartbreaks, even literal injuries... Does it mean Shinae is a curse instead of a blessing?

No, of course not.

Maybe it's just as Nana said; some "mistakes" are worth it.

[imperatorrrrr]

Nico realizing Nolan unfollowed him and talking to Jack about it

"Need help with hashtags for your Facebook post, Schao?"

"What?"

Nico and Rino had come over for dinner after their sauna session earlier in the day and now dinner's over and Jim and Rino are sitting in the living room together drinking beers talking about whatever hockey Dads talk about, and Luke's fucked off to his room to talk to his boys because World Juniors is starting soon, while Jack rinses the dishes and Nico puts them in the dishwasher.

But Nico isn't putting the dishes in the dishwasher. Nico has been fiddling around with his phone for a while now, not paying attention to anything.

"You've been staring at your phone all confused? Finding more baseball players to follow?"

Okay, so maybe Jack feels a type of way about Nico getting practically naked in a sauna with some random professional baseball players.

"Jack, what?"

Nico had a big day with his Dad today. Not only did he strip down to his underwear and sit in a sauna with his father and some baseball guys, he also got his haircut. He has yet to look up from his phone, and there are strands of his hair falling down the side of his face, not as long as before, but still framing his face perfectly.

Jack huffs. Puts the dish he just rinsed into the dishwasher himself and turns the faucet off. He directs Nico away from the counter and closer to the island where the stools are and sits Nico down. Nico lets all this happen while still staring down at his phone.

"Nico."

Jack flicks him on the forehead and Nico finally looks up.

Good.

"What's going on?"

Nico sighs, puts his phone face down on the counter and runs his hand through his freshly cut hair, strands falling every which way in his wake.

"Nols unfollowed me."

Nico's face is all scrunched up like it gets when he can't find the right English preposition when he's answering media questions.

"Who's Nols...?" Is this another baseball player?! How many baseball players does Nico know and why does Nico know so many of them and where are they coming from?

"Patty. Nolan Patrick."

Oh shit. That may be worse than another baseball guy. Nope, that's definitely worse.

Nico doesn't talk to Jack about Nolan Patrick. Nico doesn't talk to anyone about Nolan Patrick. Jack thinks maybe Jesper might have that honor, but even he's not one hundred percent sure about that.

Jack's emotionally intelligent. Jack can do this. Jack can wade through the Nolan Patrick swamp of history.

"Are you...okay?"

Great. Slam dunk. Touchdown. Home run. Ugh baseball again.

"Yeah, its just...weird." Nico looks at his phone like he expects it to provide an answer as to why Nolan Patrick has unfollowed him. Jack also looks at Nico's phone hoping for the same.

"I mean we haven't talked in a bit. He reached out when I wasn't playing last month to check in."

Jack doesn't think Nico's upset about it. Nico's confused.

"I don't think I did anything?"

"Of course you didn't do anything!" Okay, so Jack doesn't know if Nico didn't do anything, but Jack is going to side with Nico ninety nine percent of time, no question. Plus, its Nico. He rarely does anything wrong. He doesn't make mistakes on the ice and he doesn't really make mistakes off the ice either.

Jack takes a step closer, putting his hand on Nico's shoulder and squeezing, trying to radiate support gearing up to say something to comfort Nico...

"What's our ice cream situation?" So Luke's chat with his boys is over.

Nico, presented with a task, especially a task that involves doing something for a teammate, especially for a teammate thats a rookie, and especially for a rookie thats a Hughes, is ready for this call to action and this distraction, "I have some good variety at mine."

Nico gets off the stool, grabs his phone and pockets it, and beckons Luke to follow him, which Luke does happily.

And Jack is left alone in the kitchen with the dishes that still need rinsing and thinks about how ice cream is supposed to be the go to solution for a break up.

[nkn0va]

I hope this isn't too complicated but I was thinking you could do the childhood friends to lovers trope with Tsubaki and a reader that is the adopted son of Hakumen and his apprentice.

Holy shit anon, this idea is super cool. I'm totally down for this. Hakumen's CS story made me fall in love with their dynamic.

Though not nearly as much as I'm hopelessly in love with her, why the fuck can't she be real...?

(LONG ass post incoming, I had way too much fun with this.)

-For the sake of this ask, canon will have to be changed around a bit. Hakumen never went into the Boundary, he was able to force Terumi into it without having to do a hail mary. Also, Tsubaki sees Jin as only an older brother, as is confirmed by in-game dialogue.

-For all the curses and inconveniences of having to wear the Susano'o Unit to be able to fight, there were it's upsides, such as being pretty much immortal, or at the very least a drastically increased lifespan, likely longer than mages.

-One day, by pure chance, Hakumen ended up finding a small child while wandering through a barren, quiet part of the city of Naobi.

-At first, his instinct was to pay this child no mind. But, getting a good look at you, something...seemed to awaken. Or rather, re-awaken. The humanity he thought he'd thrown away a long time ago when he put on the armor. What little of Jin Kisaragi remained after all this time.

-Hakumen was cold, yes, but he wasn't cruel. No kid deserved to be condemned to survive on their own out in the lower levels of a Hierarchical city where seithr poisoning was a possibility if one wasn't careful.

-...Perhaps he could give this boy at something of a life, a childhood that he never got to have, that was taken from him by that damn bastard Terumi.

-It wasn't long before the Duodecim caught wind of the leader of the Six Heroes adopting a child. The Yayoi family had taken a particular interest in such news, inviting the two of you over to their manor.

-There weren't kids your age you could see there. Hakumen had told you that you didn't need to stay, and to feel free to wander the manor at your own leisure as long as you stayed on the property. That was how you eventually found yourself in the garden outdoors.

-It was when you wandered out that for the first time, you'd found someone your age. A redheaded girl dressed in traditional clothing.

-She seemed to freak out, in a good way, when you told her that you were taken in by Hakumen. She was apparently a huge fan. The two of you became fast friends, being the only kids in the manor and the girl, who called herself Tsubaki, seeming ecstatic at just finally finding someone her age, not having any siblings or cousins.

-When the time came to leave you told Hakumen about your new friend. It was hard to really tell what he was thinking most of the time, mostly due to the fact that he had that mask always covering his face, but he seemed almost...nostalgic, longing. He didn't really do much, saying it was good you'd managed to make a friend and left it at that.

-He did make it a point for you to see Tsubaki as often as you could from then on, though. Whenever the Yayoi family was going anywhere, he'd make sure to follow mostly so you could see her, and accepting their invitations to the manor, which was quite a surprise considering none of the other families could say the same. When questioned on this, Hakumen refused to give an answer.

-Fast forward a long while, and you and Tsubaki both find yourselves in Torifune together to attend the academy. It had taken quite a bit of convincing to allow Hakumen to let you go (mostly because he knew the NOL's true nature), but he eventually gave in, on the condition that you'd "make the right decision when the time came." There were a lot of ways for that to be interpreted and he didn't seem to be in the mood to elaborate.

-As you go through your years there together with Tsubaki, you make memories, friends, and eventually the time comes to graduate and join the NOL. For the most part all seems to go well. That is until...Continuum Shift.

-Something changes inside Tsubaki, you heavily suspect it has something to do with Jin, and possible jealousy of Noel being his secretary.

-Of course, being as perceptive as your master/father had trained you to be, it's not long until you figure it out, and your worst fears come true. She had fallen under the Imperator's curse, and had become nothing more than a mindless slave to her will.

-You find yourself soon being swept up in Kagura Mutsuki and the Grimalkin's plans to overthrow the Imperator, though the main reason you join is to assist in saving Tsubaki from the Mind Eater curse.

-You join the operation inside the Eclipse Field with Makoto, Noel, and Jin. Once she'd materialized the Zero-Type Izayoi it was up to you and Jin to snap her out of it. Jin was to hold her off and weaken her a bit before tagging you in. You desperately held her off with all your might, trying to encourage her to resist the Mind Eater.

-Her breaking point is your reminding her of the promise you made as children. That'd you always be there for each other, no matter what. If you had to die for Tsubaki's sake, you'd gladly do so. The thought of you dying for her was the push Tsubaki needed. That's not what she wanted, she didn't want you to to be taken from her. At the very least, not without being able to tell you how she felt. Unfortunately for her, the Imperator had other plans.

-She stabbed you head on with the Immortal Breaker before passing out. Hakumen, or rather a vision of him appeared to Tsubaki as the curse broke, encouraging her to confront her true feelings.

-It was then she woke up and realized that thankfully you were unharmed. It was when your will was strongest, when you wanted to see Tsubaki safe and happy even more than you wanted to draw breath, that you finally had finally mastered Hakumen's teachings. The power of Order had manifested from your strength of will and protected you from the fatal blow.

-Tsubaki quickly breaks down into tears seeing you're alright, apologizing profusely for everything she's done. Makoto, Jin, and Noel thankfully have the tact to realize you two need some privacy.

-It's a long conversation of apologies, and reassurances between you two, and eventually you two realize you can't afford to hide from the truth anymore.

-Tsubaki's the first to confess. Ever since that fateful day you two had met, she'd felt some...special connection to you, even ignoring the fact that you were the son of her childhood hero. And you admit that you had fallen for her back. The tears of sadness and regret soon turn to ones of pure joy.

-That night you find yourself unable to sleep. Too many emotions were going rampant through your mind. Most were good, thankfully, yet some were of worry. There was still a lot to do. You wander through the city late at night, when out of nowhere a voice startles you out of your thoughts.

-Your father was behind you, arms crossed and back turned to you. Despite his closed off body language he congratulated you for what you'd done.

-It was then you realized what he'd meant those years ago. He wanted you to make the right choice, and save Tsubaki. To not leave her in her darkest hour, when she needed you most.

-An awkward pause permeates the air for a few moments. Hakumen seeming to try and come up with the words to say what was on his mind. He makes his way to leave, but not without saying something. A few short words that you never thought you'd actually hear from him in a million years.

-He was proud of you.

-And deep down he was, he really was. You were better than him when it mattered most. You stayed by Tsubaki's side and never gave up on her. Because of you, she'd live on.

-Hakumen of the legendary Six Heroes...no...Jin Kisaragi...

-He'd finally found peace.

[generallybarzy]

☆star☆

an: ahhh! my semester ends in 3 days so i should be doing missing assignments but instead i’m writing a fic about the isles won tonight!!!! Almosy 2k in 2hours I'm proud of myself!!! But mostly proud of the isles let’s go my babies i’m so proud!!!!!!!! Here's a fic about rewarding barzy with some soft sweet lovin after his game!!

tagging: @selenophileangel @deleausvp @dunnwithlyfe @smit41 @softboybarzal @fallinallincurls @matbaerzal @brokeninsidebutnobodyknows @hockeyhughes11 @folkloreflyers @nazdaddy @shawnsreputation @comphybiscuit @aboveaveragehockeyboys @canadianheaters @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself @baby-cat-nol-pat

word count: 1.9k

warning: smut 

Mat missed this.

No matter how many times he stepped on the ice over the off season to stay in shape, or how many hockey games he played just for fun with his buddies in B.C., nothing could compare to the adrenaline of the real game. And certain games especially- such as playoff games and opening night. Opening night always set a precedent for the rest of the season; a good opening night was a great way to predict the season, and a great opening night… well, that was a great sign. Mat had missed this so much.

But, more than he missed the game, there was something he missed much, much more. Something almost better than the thrill of the game itself- coming home. Getting to come home after a win and seeing you. His girl. 

For a long time, Mat dreaded coming home alone after games. He’d stay out with his buddies as long as he could to revel in the excitement of the win and to feel the glory, maybe find some girls that would spend the night talking about how amazing he is, how much of a star he is, before he brought them to his apartment for the night and had them leaving before he even woke, early in the morning. But now, he didn’t have to do that anymore. No, he loved to come home. Because you were there. If you weren’t at the game with him, you were always there, waiting and ready to jump in his arms and congratulate him the second he stepped in the door.

The second the elevator opened on his floor of the building, he could see you standing in the doorway to his apartment, donned in his jersey and a pair of sweats, eyes locked on your phone. Your eyes shot up at the ding of the elevator that marked Mat’s arrival, and immediately, a smile brightened your face. Oh, how Mat loved the way he could always make you smile. 

“Baby!”

“Baby!” he mimicked with a smile as bright as yours, holding out his arms for you as you bounced over to him, giddy and excited.

“Baby!!!” With one last laugh, you tossed yourself onto him, and Mat caught you with ease, familiar with this post-game routine. His arms tightened around your back and tugged you close, and your legs wrapped around his waist. “You were amazing! My star!! My baby!!” His beautiful little giggles escaped his lips as you peppered kisses all over his cheeks, and soon he was setting you down. 

“Let’s get inside.” 

You grabbed his hand and nearly dashed inside, leaving Mat to chuckle and follow quickly, closing the door behind himself and dropping his backpack at the door before being pulled back down into you. Your arms came up to wrap around his shoulder, holding him tight and curling your fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. You stayed like that for a moment, tangled up in each other in the entrance to his apartment, his hands on your waist and his nose in your hair, just enjoying each other’s presence, the comfort of your bodies touching in such a wholesome way, before you tugged his face down by his hair and lay your lips on him in congratulations.

“You’re so amazing, Maty. You did amazing tonight. It was crazy to watch.” You continued to pepper kisses across his face, his cheeks, the little cut he’d gotten during training, his cute chin, his nose, there wasn’t a part of him you didn't love. “You’re such a star baby, God. First it was your new contract and now tonight’s opener? God, I’m so proud of you. Couldn’t be more proud. I love you so much.”

He pulled back, a smile in his eyes when he saw the honesty in yours. His heart throbbed at the thought of making you proud. “I love you. Thank you for watching.”

“I always watch.” 

“Yeah? You’re my good luck charm.” 

“Yeah?” 

He gripped your waist tighter, sliding his big hands up the back of the jersey you were wearing, over his number, over his name- the name you wore so proudly. “Yeah.” 

“And you’re my star. My gleaming, beautiful star.” 

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. Now, let’s get you out of this suit, okay? Then I can really reward you for how amazing you are.” 

“Yes, please.” 

This was something else Mat missed about the season, the way your hands- so small and gentle compared to his own, compared to how he’d been playing all night- traveled across his body as you undressed him, stripped him down to his boxers and laid him out on the bed. He loved the way you kissed down his chest and thighs and told him to lay back and get comfy- you were loving him like he deserved. He loved it so much, the intimacy, the praise, the sweet talk. You had still done this for him over the off season, of course you had, but there was just something about getting back from a game and getting his reward that he had just missed so much. 

God, he’d missed his post-win blow.

He let his eyes slip shut and his head fall back against the pillow as you kissed his legs and tugged the last piece of fabric down this thighs. “I love your legs, Maty. So strong, they make you so fast, so good at what you do… and they’re hot as fuck.” You kissed all the way up his high and over his hip bones. “You’re hips, God, you can set a rhythm, if you know what I mean.” 

He laughed. “You can’t say ‘if you know what i mean’ if you’re literally about to blow me.” 

“Why not?” Mat just smiled again as you kissed up his stomach and chest, mumbling praises as you went. You curled your fingers through his and brought his hand up to your lips, and he opened his eyes slowly to watch you lay a kiss on each knuckle, gentle and soft. “I love your hands, the way you’re so skilled with them, during games you have all these amazing stick maneuvers, like that goal tonight. I know that was all for me. And you’re so skilled at touching me. It’s amazing.” 

“Mmm.” Mat was almost drowsy, the way you touched him and kissed him pulling him into a trance. “I’ll show you some of those skills later.” 

“The ones you use on the stick or on me?”

He laughed again. “Both.”

“After this, baby. I wanna reward you first. My star. My baby, my talented, sweet boy.” You planted one last kiss on his lips before scooting back down to his hips where his desire was aching for you. Your bottom lip tugged between your teeth like it did whenever you saw him, and Mat swore he could’ve come at just the sight. Your fingers rubbed slow circles against his naked hips as you pressed kisses up his length and finally- Mat thought- finally took him into your mouth. A soft moan fell from Mat’s lips, a breath of pleasure, a sigh of relief at the feeling of your lips around him- he would never get over it. You took your time, drawing out his pleasure as much as you could, but never holding anything back from him. This was his night, after all. He deserved this. 

The build up was slow, slow and soft and gentle as ever, starting low in his tummy and growing stronger and stronger by the second. It wasn’t the normal orgasm he’d have when he was on top, where he’d have to work for it, but one that built up and up and up that he got the pleasure of getting to lay back and experience it’s entirety- making it feel even more drawn out. Usually he’d be too busy to notice it until he was practically coming already, but now he could savor it, all the way from the little spark inside him to the rumbling fire that erupted. 

“Baby.” His hand came down to stroke your face.

“Maty,” You pulled back to praise him, laying wet kisses along his length. “I love you. You’re so amazing, so talented. You’re so talented, beautiful, sweet.”

“Baby!”  

“Let go, my sweet boy. Don’t hold back, you deserve it. You deserve it all, the awards, the contract, the 21 million, the star of the game, the attention. God, you deserve it all. And most of all, you deserve to come. Can you do that for me, pretty boy?” 

“Shit. I love you!” His mouth fell open in a string of praises, and his head dropped back again as your lips wrapped around him one last time before he erupted, thighs trembling and hands gripping yours like a life line. The groans that left his lips were some you’d never forget, how needy and desperate they were, how thankful he was to get his relief. He was breathing deeply in the aftermath of his orgasm, listening to your soft praise as you wiped your slick hand on his abdomen, vowing to drag him to the shower later to clean up. 

“C’mere, please.” He urged you to crawl up his body, pushing your hair behind your ear and pulling your down to cuddle against him, holding your body close and letting you feel him clam back to softness- both mentally and physically. He rolled to his side, keeping you tucked against his naked body and laying kisses across your face, just wanting to savor this moment for a few minutes longer. He was always so cuddling after coming, and you always found it so cute. Soon, his whisper broke the warm silence. “Did you mean what you said?”

“About?”

“Me. What I deserve.” 

“Baby.” You lifted a hand to stroke through his hair, knowing exactly what he needed. “You’re so good at what you do, I’m not kidding. And this new contract, it’s amazing for you. Tonight just showed everyone who doubted you just how great you are. How you’re worth it. And I swear, years from now, you’ll be playing with some new kids on the Islanders who grew up watching you, who grew up wanting to be like you. You’re building a legacy right now.” 

A flush lit up his face at the thought and a hopeful grin broke across his lips. With sleepy-half lidded eyes, he sighed. “I love you.” 

“Hm. Not more than I love you, star.”

“Oh no, much more.” 

“Impossible.” 

He just smiled and shook his head, knowing no one was winning this argument. Both of your loves were unmatched, and he was so, so lucky that was the case. 

“You know what else is great about you, Maty? How you’re still such an amazing person. You’re a hockey star, the isles’ golden boy, you have all this money and this fame in the hockey world, but you’re so humble still. You’re modest, you’re down-to-earth. You’re a guy anyone can talk to. I love that about you. It’s not just how talented you are, but it’s you as a person. You’re really going places, one day.” 

“Yeah?” His throat tightened and his words came out harsh and cracking at the thought of that. It was the future he’d always dreamed of. And to be told of it by the girl of his dreams seemed too good to be true. “You think so?”

“Yeah.”

“I hope. And,” he cleared his throat, a little stuffy, but smiling nonetheless. “I want you there for all of them.” And you couldn’t think of any better outcome.

“I can’t wait.”

[savoies]

Miscommunications - Nolan Patrick.

Nolan Patrick x Reader.

Summary: Nolan is feeling a little insecure and he starts to ignore his girlfriend but then they talk it out and it turns out to be just a miscommunication.

Word count : 1143 ( wow im proud) 

Warning: like one bad word.

Nolan was currently on the road to Colorado. The Philadelphia Flyers were going to play against the Colorado Avalanche in about two days. Y/n was currently at home in Philly texting Nolan to text her when he got to Colorado. Y/n and Nolan had been dating for about a year and while y/n was more emotional and Nolan keeped his feelings bottled in, they made it work. She decided just to work on some homework and then go to bed afterwards since it was pretty late when Nolan left for his long road trip of a day.

Nolan had arrived in Colorado a few hours ago and was currently practicing making some goals into the net with Hartsy blocking most of them. Nolan had been off of his game and Tk noticed but didn't mention anything because his best friend wasn't one to talk about his feelings. The game was starting in thirty minutes and warm ups had started. Y/n was back home wearing his number 19 jersey getting prepared for the game to start. She knew Nolan had arrived safely because Tk usually posted stories of the arena they were going to play at. She just decided to send him a good luck text since he didn't text her earlier of his arrival but she didn't want to seem like a mom.

The game ended as the waves of orange were seen through the crowd jumping up and down. The flyers had won against the avalanche and they were pretty damn proud. Nolan walked into the locker room to get changed and when he saw that he had a new text from his girlfriend. He left it on read as he did the other one he received upon his arrival. It wasn't that he was trying to ignore her; he just sometimes got these thoughts into his mind that he wasn't good enough for her. I mean she had a bachelors degree, was studying to get her masters, and she was the most determined person he had ever met. He was just a hockey player. He knew that if he ever got a serious injury his entire career would end. But y/n had her whole life in front of her. Before more of these thoughts could enter his mind Travis walked in and told him they were gonna go out for celebratory drinks. He thought that maybe a couple of those would blur his mind and he would forget about these thoughts. So he got dressed and headed out with the rest of his team mates. 

Y/n watched as the flyers won and jumped up and down as Kevin Hayes made the winning goal. She texted her boyfriend: congrats you did amazing and then call me when you can. Y/n saw the guys stories and saw they went out to get some drinks. She waited about thirty minutes but didn't get a response from her boyfriend. She decided to stop because she didn't want to seem clingy and she decided calling Teeks was a better option. The phone rang about four times when the caller on the other end finally picked up. “Hey Y/n whats up.”

“Hey Tk just calling to congratulate you guys on the win and wondering if I can talk to nols.” the girl said hopeful yet a bit nervous cause it seemed as though her boyfriend was ignoring her. There was shuffling on tks side of the line and then she could hear him shouting “hey pat your girl wants to talk to you.”

“Tell her I'm busy” the 21 year old centerman yelled back. In that moment y/n got enough classification and her heart broke a little. “Hey y/n he’s--...”

“I heard teeks thanks.” the girl said, trying not to cry. She decided to just watch netflix and eat some ice cream cause now it for sure seemed as though her boyfriend was ignoring her. 

“Stop being such a jerk and talk to your girlfriend.” Travis said.

“Don't you think ive tried,” Nolan said, looking down at his shoes avoiding his friend's eye contact. “She's great but she's too good for me. I'm just a hockey player. She could leave me any moment.”

Travis listened to his best friend's sincere confession and thought about how y/n was seriously in love with him and she thought the opposite of everything he had just said. “Pat, i've seen the way that girl looks at you and she's totally whipped and I can say the same for you.” Nolan loved his girlfriend and it seemed like he just needed a slight push from his best friend to realize that they had their differences but they were totally and hopelessly in love.

He decided to step out for some air and call her and tell her how he really felt. Y/n was sitting on the couch when her phone started ringing. Her boyfriend's name flashed across the screen as she completed picking up. She decided to ignore how she was hurting and instead answered it cause deep down she could never be mad at her big goofball of a boyfriend. There was silence for a few minutes as the static was heard on both sides of the line. Then finally Nolan spoke up with a simple hey.

“Hey bub.” y/n said back. It felt good to hear his voice. 

“Uhm wow ive been such a dick to you and i'm sorry, it's just sometimes i wonder why you're with me--..”

“Nol--..”

“Wait y/n let me finish, cause you know how hard this is for me.” The girl let him continue. “Sometimes it seems as though you are too good for this world and way too good for me and Tk made me realize that I should stop bottling up my feelings and talk to you about them. Communication is a big part of relationships and that's what I'm doing right now. I love you and I'm sorry sometimes I'm not good enough.” Nolan said exasperated at the end of his emotional speech.

There was silence for a few moments while y/n was trying hard not to cry. “Baby are you there?” 

“Yeah sorry bubs, Nols if you ever feel this way please tell me. I love you so much and you are seriously perfect for me. I understand communicating is hard for you but you know i'm always here to listen. You are always good enough and beyond that. I'm glad Travis made you talk about it. God, I love you so much Nolan Patrick.”

By the end of her speech they were both trying not to cry. “I love you lovebug. I'll call you later when i get to the hotel.”

“I'll be waiting.” y/n said glad that all this was just a miscommunication.

Tags so it doesn't flop: @marner-lovebot @hockey-anyone @mitch-slap @mymanseguin @leafsxhockeywrxtes @summerko8

[trashlie]

Continued dumb things that rattle around in my noggin at like, all times.

This is nothing new, of course; we have talked to DEATH how significant that moment of surprise is in the context of quimchee revealing that Nol likes a nice smile. But the additional context I enjoy is that we know by this stage the friendships Nol meant to be pretend were so real. We already can glean that Nol was very drawn to Shinae in a genuine way - both as a person he wanted to help but also as a friend he earnestly wanted to be friends with.

But, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the first time he sees her smile like that - at a time when she's clearly uncomfortable and miserable on the spot in front of so many people, without her comfort jacket, at an event he knows she's being forced to attend. And it's because of him.

Nol's whole thing is helping people, putting good back into the universe, trying to improve situations for other people. He's surely made Dieter and Soushi smile and laugh.

But here it feels SO loaded and significant. Shinae with her tall, dense walls. Shinae who has been so difficult to reach. Shinae whose friendship he genuinely wants, genuinely enjoys, despite how she tried to stay safe in her shell, in this uncomfortable moment laughing and smiling in such a bright radiant way.

He's a sucker for a good smile.

And he brought her that comfort.

I don't think it's necessarily an attraction thing as much as it's one of those very important bricks laid in their foundation. Nol doesn't in that moment consciously realize he likes Shinae. I think something just strikes him in that moment. That smile, that radiant joy, makes him feel something he can't identify.

THINK ABOUT IT. He's just come back from meeting Alyssa who immediately took off after Meg even though they haven't met in so long. Standing here watching Shinae endure an awkward, uncomfortable dance in front of strangers, everyone recognizes Kousuke - but not Nol. He's a stranger to his family's world, even to his girlfriend. He's just another guy in the crowd.

But there's Shinae, who sees him. The same Shinae who has taken notice of his scuffed knuckles. The same Shinae who, after the dance, immediately goes to him and asks about him.

It's no wonder he says this.

I think seeing Shinae at the formal, clearly against her will, is the moment Nol remembers what happens to people he cares about. He got invested, he sought her friendship, and even though he doesn't know why she's there, he's certain it's her proximity to him. Even before Sangchul, before the pool, Nol remembered the danger.

It's after this he gives Kousuke his word that he'll avoid Shinae, and I think that's why. He already had the intention of distancing himself. It was supposed to be fake and he knew it wasn't and that he doesn't deserve her friendship he put her in danger by showing interest. She had drawn boundaries, she didn't even really want his friendship it'd be fine.

But then he made her laugh. But then she spotted him when no one else did. Then she burst into that bright, radiant laughter because of him and he probably knew: it was too late. He screwed up and yet....

Nothing is okay everything is messed up but he puts on that mask anyway. For friendship. Because he needs to. For her comfort. So he can convince himself he can actually pull away. So he can convince himself it doesn't mean anything else.

So he can convince himself someone cares about him, that maybe something is real even if real means danger.

(But he can't and we know it and we watch it over and over. It's too late and he just can't stay away.)

[trashlie]

I saw a theory about Mr. Kim being Kousuke's real father. Makes me want to throw up. And then I saw another comment on that thread how the real thing that would break Kou is realizing that Nol is no longer his brother.

And omg ew? Sang Chul would be??

And I'm never getting over Nol's plastered smile. The sneer. The humans suck line.

The "Convince Me" line.

Girl I'm going thru it.

You totally called it on the theories.

The WORST kind of "OH GOD I KNEW IT" weeks have been happening for me when it comes to ILY lmaoooo and I NEED QUIMCHEE TO GIVE ME A BREAK AND LET ME CATCH MY BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!

Gonna drop my thoughts below the read more! Spoilers spoilers spoilers!!!!!!!!!!

When Elle and I talked about the "Rand isn't Kousuke's father" theory on the fourth episode of our podcast I even talked about how as much as I don't want the theory to be true for Kousuke's sake, narratively it's SO compelling and it just makes SO MUCH SENSE. I remember the first time I read the theory, too, how initially I was like "no way, this feels really out there" but it just stuck with me. I couldn't let it go, I kept going back to that panel, the "you're the sole heir" speech bubble over Nol's face and I think I've just always felt that it meant something, you know? That quimchee would NOT have done that if it didn't mean something, if we weren't supposed to read into it, if it wasn't meant to be the earliest of foreshadowing of this theory.

And to have it actually confirmed!!!!! Just has me SCREAMING but absolutely anticipating what it means for everyone!!!! Because not only does it mean everything Kousuke has ever worked for - the only thing he's ever had to his name, the only career option he's ever had - is taken away from him and thrust to someone who may not even want it, someone who wants to be as far away from this family and this coldblooded, bloodthirsty rivalry as he can get.

Neither of them get any reprieve.

Kousuke never had any other option, and is left with nothing.

Nol will likely be thrust into the heart of everything he wants to excuse himself from, everything he's come to resent and loathe and GOD it's insane to see how it's all unfolding, after all this time!!!!!!!!

I think, too, in thinking about the fact that Nol isn't even Kousuke's brother is that it means re-examining the rawness of 212 and what it means for Kousuke, who believes that he got none of the good traits of Rand that he sees in Nol, the good parts that he's never been privileged enough to see in Rand himself, and that he was left with only the worst parts of him - the cold man with his back turned to him. But it's worse, because none of that was his.

(Please know that I am saying this SO VERY LOOSELY, in the sense of how I imagine Kousuke is thinking this. I'm not a fan of the "Rand suspected Kousuke wasn't his son and that's why he was so cold with him" theories. Frankly, I think they're disgusting and it shows an interesting bias in people in how they perceive biological family to be more worthy over, say, adopted family. I think it's very evident that Rand loves both of his sons and has done the best within his means, but has been dealing with an incredibly controlling tyrant of a wife who has ensured that he had little chance to provide the nurturing he wanted to, who ensured that there was a gap between him and Kousuke so that Kousuke would be forever chasing after him, because she needed him to stay focused on her goal. I refuse to humor conversation that implies Rand loves or favors Nol more because that's his biological son and because Kousuke is, currently suspected to be, the son of a Kim, he has less love for him. That's a disgusting mindset. Biological love does not make someone inherently love their child more. Yui herself proves this. And in that same vein, not being Kousuke's biological father does not excuse Rand's part in Kousuke's neglect and that it was the commodification of his love that has factored into how Kousuke has come to view love in this transactional manner and why he struggles to see his father's true love for what it is. Regardless of whose genetic material fathered him, Rand is the man who raised Kousuke as his son, the man Kousuke saw as his father, and therefore he is Kousuke's father.)

Kousuke has modeled himself after his father in every way, tried so hard to emulate him, to be someone who will make his father proud, who can earn his affection and feels like he hasn't succeeded at that yet - and to find out that the man he has spent his entire life emulating is not, in fact, his father? Is going to CRUSH him. Not because it changes the fact that it was Rand who raised him and Rand to whom Kousuke looked up, but because it's yet another lie in a series of Yui's lies, yet another lie that she has used to manipulate him, to mold him into her pawn, to create him into a likeness of something of her own desire, rather than ever allow him to be his own person.

She lied to him about his father. She whispered paranoia to him about his brother his brother's mother. She made him believe that everyone is out to get them, to tear them down, that because they are better than everyone else he can trust no one. She used these tactics to isolate him and played upon the paranoia and fear that she created and instilled upon him so that when he did rebel and stray from her, when he did try to be his own person and have friends and a life of his own, she could pull him back to where she felt he belonged, at her side. She smothered and suffocated him and manipulated and lied to him and nothing she has done to or for him has ever been honest and even his father is a lie. Even his goals and motivation is a lie.

I know a lot of people still hate Kousuke but it fucks me up. It has me choked up, to think of what it must be like to be him, and to have this bombshell thrust upon you, that everything you believed has been a lie, that your mother has been manipulating you for your whole life, she's been drugging you, you have finally grasped the gravity of the harm you have caused using the justification she has equipped you with. To come to the realization that everything you ever justified was never truly justifiable, that you caused harm that cannot be undone.

How do you come back from that?

How do you deal with that?

And then, to find out that the man you've believed was your father isn't. That the only person who ever offered you unconditional love, whose relationship you've destroyed isn't even your brother, and has no reason to ever turn to look your way ever again.

Kousuke was right. He has no brother.

And it devastates me lmao ;____________;

And I do really think that it means his father is Gun Kim. All of the comparisons to Sangchul and Kousuke have haunted me as much as this theory.

BUT MAN IT'S JUST SO MUCH QUIMCHEE IS JUST OUT HERE WITH A BODY COUNT. MA'AM. SLOW DOWN I CAN'T KEEP UP. Nol is on a warpath and I need him to CHILL.

Actually no you know what was the FUNNIEST thing to me about Nol and his humans suck line? THE FACT THAT MY GIRL SHINAE IS OUT HERE BLUSHING.

GIRL. /GIRL/

She is DOWN BAD. SO FUCKING BAD. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i can't stand her I love her she's a whole hot mess express I really need to gather myself and drop some thought dump posts over here finally because generally my reaction to all of these episodes lately has been [SCREAMING CAT]

i'm two for two on "dark theories i didn't want to be true but knew in my gut are" and listen. I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE IT ;_______; HOWLING

[trashlie]

Hi Ashlie it's lil anon again 💗 I hope you have adjusted to your meds and had fun experimenting with gouache... That sounds cool, I wish I could do that but too bad I don't have a single creative bone in my body 😭 it's okay I'll stick to playing viddy games...

There is something I want to bring up for your consideration that's been bouncing around in my head. When Hansuke mentioned that it was hard for him to get into medical school despite his excellent grades, people concluded that Yui must have stood in his way and Hansuke's mother probably made a deal with her, correct? That felt like such a relevant tidbit that will come up again, because otherwise why the effort to draw those panels. So... I think there might be a parallel to Nol here. We know he is going to spend the 4 year time skip abroad, right? But how will he get there, when Yui is so opposed to it and needs to keep him under her thumb? So 🤔 I've been thinking maybe Rand makes a similar deal with Yui so she lets Nol go. Not sure what the details of the deal will be, but it could even be something like "I'll get the kid into any school he wants if you step down from the CEO position within the next 5 years and let Kousuke take over, and don't plot anything against me ever again". It's a big sacrifice, but it feels like Rand had some extremely harsh realizations about how miserable Nol is after finding his scarf in the pool, and then finding him bleeding in the snow and the Ivan the Terrible reference. It feels so much like he has reached his end, "it's not my message to pass along anymore" felt so pointed. I also keep thinking about how guilty Rand must be feeling. He didn't only fail his own son, he failed to protect NESSA'S CHILD ;A; someone so precious and important to her, someone she loved so dearly. Even if it was unspoken it's clear that she counted on Rand to take care of their son when she couldn't anymore, and he failed her miserably. Gawd just thinking about that makes me wanna cry 😔😭💔 So maybe this will be what pushes him to step up and actually do something useful for his child, maybe that deal will be his self-sacrifice. What are your thoughts on this? I know I might be reaching, it might be Yu Jing's article that will help Nol go abroad, and I'm very aware of the death flags surrounding Rand, and maybe he'll just die or Yui kills him and that's that. With Kousuke having all these realizations it's not unlikely that Yui gets rid of Rand so they don't become allies. But I don't want his death to be so... pointless, I guess? BE A FATHER EVEN IF JUST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE DAMMIT ;A;

On a lighter but similarly emotional note, when do you think Shinae and Nol are going to be on a first/real name basis? It might be just me but I feel like it's coming 👀 It's been said a thousand times (and good, let's manifest it 🤞🏾) that they must be on the same page by the end of season 1 for the story to flow smoothly. And that must include the names as well, right? Because the names are a big part of the distance between them and to Shinae, "Yeonggi" isn't enough anymore, she wants "Nol". And, in theory, he must first accept his name before he is comfortable with her saying it, but maybe the other way around would work better. If he lets her into the circle of people who can call him Nol even if he isn't completely ready for it, maybe that will actually be the important first step to accept himself. Because if Shinae accepts that side of him and doesn't think he's horrible, then he can't be that horrible, right. Basically a you don't have to love yourself for other people to love you and with time you can see yourself through their eyes and find that everything you dislike about yourself doesn't make you unlovable because they love you regardless type of thing. Does that make sense? I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at 😅 He also doesn't want to be vulnerable and open up as Yeonggi, it's not part of that persona. But maybe once she is on the Nol side for good, he can be more honest, because she is already there so why not. Not that he'll immediately tell her everything, obviously, but just be more honest dude just tell her that you're scared and not ready for certain conversations yet instead of putting up a front! But either way regardless of when, the moment they say each others first/real names is going to be SOOOOOO meaningful so vulnerable so intimate I will simply die on the spot I will just explode 💥 -lil anon 😼 (who still can't keep their messages short)

Lil Anon!!!!! 💗 Okay, ngl I am a big proponent of "creativity is very much a skill anyone and everyone can learn" just that some of us (and myself included lmao) need a little more effort to learn. But also gouache is so fun because I'm realizing so much of painting is about the insinuation of things, rather than painting out every detail? And it's so amazing to me to watch those things come together!!!! But also.... I am not great at video games so I guess at the end of the day we really do have our strengths and weaknesses huh? alfjakjfjfa LMAO :3

Also heads up, the last part of this response will have FP 238 spoilers!

Oooohhhh this is such an interesting thought that I HAVEN'T thought about, but I HAVE been thinking a lot about Rand (I have this messy post in the works about him because as much as he makes me angry I find him really interesting in that, like every other character, he is very much someone trying to survive and his struggles to do so have had a lot of ramifications - especially in failing to protect his son with Nessa. I understand why people hate him but I just have SO MANY FEELINGS and like how... maybe a selfish part of him kept him near, even if he couldn't be a good father to him because of Yui, because he reminded him of her, and how maybe as Nol grows up he continues to see so much of himself in him, and how in Rand's eyes that probably is bad because he very much ended up trapped, he very much lost what he loved, he has very much lived in isolation. But that's a whole other thing but the point is: Rand is on my mind so this is a very welcome question!!!!)

I'd never considered the possibility of a parallel because I guess I'd just sort of assumed that information was given to us to show us how far Yui is willing to go, that she was interfering with her own nephew's career in order to - probably - lord something over her sister, to force her to do whatever it was she wanted, that we are meant to further understand that Yui is so unstoppable even her own sisters can't do anything, and that this isn't the first time Hansuke's career has been on the line. BUT WITH THAT SAID it would make an incredibly interesting parallel! I think in a lot of ways Rand did think he was doing what was right, what he could do. I think a lot about what he said when Nol pleaded guilty, about how he should have sent him away to a boarding school and that as much as a lot of that was said out of actual anger and agitation, at the end of the day Rand cares so much because he loves Nol, even if he was never allowed to act on it, even if he had to repress it and keep it bottled away where it began to fester. Something I think a lot about parenthood in general but esp in ILY is that no one has the foresight to know how things will work out, so parents are doing what they think is best. Often they are wrong, they make mistakes, but again, we are only capable of trying to learn from our mistakes, we can't see how things would play out. Would Nol have been safer at boarding school? Would he have actually been out of Yui's reach? But that's a whole other post (that is coming)

THAT SAID I think yes Rand carries a lot of guilt and knows that he has not been able to protect either of his sons the way he wishes he could have and now he is at this sort of.... fork in the road. Until now, Nol was so very alone, has been surrounded by people who can't be trusted, people of this society who would sell him out immediately. But Rand has seen in Shinae and Nol this connection that maybe he even recognizes much like the one he and Nessa had, that Shinae is very much like she was in her willingness to reach out to and protect Nol, her willingness to stand up for him against even the scariest opponents. In the same night he nearly lost his son, he saw how many people rallied around him, were willing to stand by his side and wait for him to wake up and I think that, yes, it gave him this sense of understanding. Nol is no longer alone, and while it's not him at his side, he knows that the people who are will fight for him, are people who truly love him the way he deserved all this time. And I think that's yes why he is willing to transition out of Nol's life - because he knows that he hasn't been able to provide him the protection he needs. That he CAN'T.

And the idea of him sacrificing himself for Nol's sake (and frankly, Kousuke's, too) would be interesting, because I very much think Shinae will "sacrifice" herself to Yui in order to protect her father, will take up Yui's offer if it means keeping away from her family. What an interesting parallel it would be, too, for both of these people who have put themselves in harms way to protect those they love (I know Rand doesn't seem it, but I think he is a person who has very much been a victim of him circumstances and that he has reached a point in this story that he is willing to get hurt to protect them, that he is finally openly fighting back the way he can in an effort to protect them).

I honestly.... HATE the theory about Rand dying even though the death flags are everywhere lmao ;_____; I feel like I'm constantly closing my eyes to them because I cannot bear to think of what it would mean for both Nol and Kousuke, for neither of them to get that closure. I hate the thought of Nol being left a literal orphan, of Kousuke never knowing that he was loved, like it KILLS ME but it really feels like we're hurtling there and aflkjkafjkafjkaf [SCREAMS] I'd so much prefer that like... Rand have a heart attack that incapacities him or something ;A; - especially because Nana has her own death flags and again, the thought of Nol just being left with NONE of his family?! GOD THAT KILLS ME.

But also I am very much in favor of Rand making such a sacrifice. Something I've been thinking about is that a lot of why Rand's hands were tied was because he was trying to get this far - and now that he has, now that Nol is in safe hands, maybe it IS time to make a sacrifice, to step out of Nol's life and "set him free", if he could give Yui something she wants enough to let Nol go. The thing is.... Yui is very much aware of the effect Nol has on Kousuke, and why it's necessary to keep him around, but perhaps with what Kousuke is learning, that won't remain a matter? I think there is a LOT that is up in the air right now, but I do think we are at a point where Rand COULD make that kind of offer, where he can finally face Yui and fight back in his own way and do something to set his son free of all of this. I think I lean more sympathetic to Rand than most do but I would love to see him take an action that can actually demonstrate to Nol that Rand has always cared, that until now he didn't have other options, that until now he'd thought that this was the safest route.

(But honestly? What was ;__________;)

I JUST WANT TRAGIC FAMILY CLOSURE SOOOOOOOO BADLY AND IT HURTS ME THAT WE MAY NEVER GET IT LMAO ;A;

BUT ON A LIGHTER NOTE YES YES YES ALL OF THIS YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS ;A; once again and as always YOU GET IT YOU TOTALLY GET IT!!!!!!!!

I think Nol and Shinae's story is VERY MUCH a matter of like.... yeah, you don't have to love yourself to be loved, that's bullshit, we all know it's not true. That maybe you can learn to love yourself by being loved. That maybe through the process of being loved you can start to see yourself through their eyes, the version of yourself that they see and love and that it can make that version of you come to life. That even though Nol sees himself as this unworthy monster, that he has been made to feel like he's nothing, a nobody - she can show him that he's something, somebody, she can say his name with an affection that no one else has ever said it with, that she can breathe new life to something that was taken from him and ruined.

I think we VERY much are approaching that point and Nol learning that Yui has been drugging even Kousuke honestly may be the beginning (or again I might just be being very hopeful). I keep reiterating that Nol needs to know this goes beyond him. I want Shinae to get to sit down and talk to him - not just about their feelings but about Yui, that even before Yui knew about their attachments, that she was already put through hell. Tell him about Kousuke's birthday, something that shows Nol even if he leaves Yui already has her claws in her, was already interested even before it involved him. Tell him about the offer because she will end up taking it one way or another and it's better than he knows how, so he's reminded how much she hates this woman, too.

And maybe if Nol can see that it's more than just him, maybe he can see that there is no point in pushing her away. And if that isn't enough, maybe she can convince him how very much they can't ignore any of this, to prove to him how badly she wants to know him, Nol, to see him and meet those secret parts of him he doesn't want anyone to say. To say the name that has felt like a lashing so many times used by everyone else in a way that takes it from nothing to something and makes him want to hear it move. To say her name again and be so familiar (so SO familiar god PLEASE) ;A;

Like IDK I know we've had this conversation a LOT lmao but it just feels like it's two steps forward five steps back if we don't get that closure if they don't have that talk. No one is asking for or expecting him to share everything - to just open up enough to show that he wants to. To admit his fear. If Shinae saw what Dieter did, that kind of fear, how intense it is, and couldn't connect it to what has happened to her, maybe she could get through to him better but at this point she just doesn't know, doesn't understand why he's pushing her. Maybe now that she's realized her own feelings - and can maybe wonder about his - it might make her think of what he said in the alley about fear and people getting hurt but it's a conversation they need to have directly.

And yes, I feel like even from a metaphorical point, he cannot begin to open up as Yeonggi, as this nameless person. They cannot begin anew with her uncertain what to call him, not allowed to use his real name, while he still calls her Yoo. What's he gonna do, maul her and swallow her heart and still call her Yoo? PLEASE. NO.

I feel like it MUST be coming, that some kind of understanding will be coming, even if they know they are separating for a while, even if they know that whatever is between them isn't something that can happen right now, I feel like they HAVE to separate on a true first name basis, right? ;A;!!!!!!!!!

AND I AM DYING FOR IT. /DYING/ I WANT HIM TO SAY HER NAME SO QUIETLY (AND MAYBE BRUSH HER HAIR BACK FROM HER FACE WHEN HE DOES) I WANT HIM TO TWITCH A LITTLE WHEN SHE SAYS THE NAME THAT HAS CAUSED HIM SO MUCH PAIN AND THEN INSTEAD MELT INTO HER. I WANT IT TO BE SO TENDER, SO INTIMATE, THAT HIS NAME NEVER SOUNDED THAT GOOD ON ANYONE'S ELSE'S TONGUE, THAT IT NEVER SOUNDED SO MEANGINGFUL AS WHEN SHE SAYS IT. The intimacy of being the first person to be allowed to say his name, to speak it with so much affection and care that it can undo what others have done to it, that it can breath back the life that was beaten out of it. ;A; What it would mean for her to say it!!!! That thrill of being allowed to share this very secret part, this very special part, something she is so hungry for!!!!!!

Shinae wanting to know everything about him is honestly SO FUCKING TENDER. Like, yes, that's what happens when we find ourselves liking someone, wanting to know everything, wanting to know about the things we were never present for and what shaped them into the person they are, but for Shinae there's that added layer because he has locked out everyone, pushed everyone away, and she wants to know the secrets he won't share, the parts of him that he hides, she wants to privy to every part of him. She wants him in his entirety, she wants to know him and be just as known and GOD to get to breathe his secret name, the forbidden name, the one he would not allow her?

GOD

I cannot even put it into words i just

[explodes on the spot]

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WHEN IT HAPPENS FOR REAL? WHEN HE CALLS HER SHINAE AGAIN? LAKJFKAJKAFKJAFKAKFJJA i can't do this lil anon i aM SO, SO WEAK AND FULL OF EMOTIONS AND TENDERNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS they make me feel sO TENDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[trashlie]

ILY FP 236

I'm working backwards because it's late and I think I need more energy to get 235 out so I'm going to jump on this one, first lol I hope you guys don't mind! I'd like to get 235 out tomorrow before the ep goes out for those who like to come and check after the free post drops lol also I just REALLY want to catch up on these because I like having all my thoughts in one place and I didn't manage to hit up reddit for 236 last week - I was sick and I could not pull myself together for it ;~; So I'm flying by the seat of my pants! Also I just really want to get this one up before tomorrow, too, because I want to put down my thoughts/predictions/wants and see what actually comes out of it LMAO

KOUSUKE KNOWS KOUSUKE KNOWS KOUSUKE KNOWS KOUSUKE KNOWS!

Kousuke's arc continues to blow me away because I was SO certain we wouldn't get a lot of this until much, much later, in season 2 or something, so having this established before we move into our timeskip feels INSANE but it also makes me feel insane wondering where it's going to leave him, what it's going to do to him to learn this, reeling from this truth.

It's hard enough to digest that you've been roofied, much less IN A HOSPITAL by your own mother. That it was a dosage of benzos and oxy HIGH ENOUGH that it would knock a man out (AND DID as evidenced by the poor man who received Kousuke's leftover breakfast) and that it demonstrates how high his tolerance must be that he merely felt hung over.

That he was already wary of the medication Yui tried to give him at the restaurant was insane. That he was already wary of her even though he couldn't understand quite why. That he knew, definitively, something is so wrong with him he didn't care that Hansuke stole his blood vials and tested against Yui's wishes showed just how uncomfortable he is. But his response to the lack of answer!!!! To test him again! Blood AND urine! GOD I was screaming over THAT alone!

Also I have to say it but Kousuke in his Santa hat is so cute. I know I'm patronizing him, I know it's infantilization because he looks so uncertain and so very unlike himself with his discomfort and worry and unease that it makes him look so small and childlike but what can ya do? I like it when we get to see the haughty, confident characters knocked down a few pegs. Or a whole ladder lmao

Also also REALLY living for the Hansuke, Kousuke, Yujing dynamic. It is FUN! It is GOOD, it's what Kousuke needs lmao though I worry that Yui will do everything she can to box out Hansuke, depending on how Kousuke uses what he knows. But for now I'm going to enjoy it. There was something SO FUNNY about Yujing calling Hansuke "babe" and Kou's head popping out from between their seats going "BABE?!" ALKJFKAJFKJAFJKAFKJ SIR PLS CALM YOURSELF!!!!!

But MAN he's getting to THE realization. He's connecting the dots that Hansuke, bless his heart, is unwilling to connect, despite the very good points Yujing is bringing up. Being someone's mom does not mean you are going to make good choices for your child. We've seen fandom run with this thought before, too - that Yui can't possibly be manipulating Kousuke, that she just has alternative parenting. Hansuke, too, falls for the image, for the idea that a mother only wants what's best, that she has his best interests in mind. But like Yujing pointed out - it's so very clear that Kousuke is NOT okay, so why did they clear him? Why did she order him not to run the tests? Any doctor can see Kousuke shouldn't have been released, but a doctor in the hospital run by their FAMILY....?

Kousuke may not be voicing it yet but he knows. GOD, he knows. And the most interesting part is that when he's falling back into that spiral, when he's going back into that unresponsive state, not paying attention to what's going on, he sees Nol's bloodied phone - Nol's phone covered in the bloodshed caused by KOUSUKE'S doing - he uses THAT to anchor himself to the present. He picks up the phone and remembers holding Nol. I've been wondering how much he remembers about that, because he was SO RESOLUTE that Nol didn't harm him, that HE was the one who was hurt, that something was wrong. For that memory to resurface and be what grounds him when the realization that his own mother has drugged him with a lethal combination of drugs that should have done far more than made him feel like he has a hangover.... GOD.

Where does he go with this? He has to start suspecting, right? Because for him to have that tolerance, the obvious conclusion to jump to is that this is not the first time. The times that sweets did the trick and made him feel better - and the time he made them himself and they didn't. The times tea comforted him after particularly stressful experiences - and the brother who has such a strong aversion to it. Will he recall any of the conversation between Rand and Yui when he was passed out? I think, perhaps over the course of some time, we're going to watch that paranoia and fear grow. All this time he feared Nol, he worried about Nol - but Yui was the one to fear, right under his nose, orchestrating everything so that he would be left dependent on her.

UGH.

He knows he can't trust her, but who can he trust? The chef who prepares food for him that always does the trick? The thing about Yui is that Kousuke knows she has people everywhere, and that's the very horrifying thing about his situation. How many pockets is she lining? How many people does she have at her beck and call, to administer whatever she needs of them? Who do you trust when the one person you've relied on - because his own father is so absent and unavailable, also boxed out by his mother - is the very person who you can't trust, who has taken advantage of you?

And where will Meg and Rand's gift come into this? Before, Kousuke jumped on Meg as the only likely option he could think of - Meg who stalked and harrassed him, Meg who brought him the only food/drink outside of the parties. Meg who he acknowledged wasn't like that. It's not the first time Meg would have brought him something that he didn't want to be true - first telling him that Shinae had been drugged. Would he ignore this, too, a gift she says she found in the trash? A gift clearly from his father, disposed of by who else but his mother? Surely those are dots he could connect. And again, what do you DO with that? With the knowledge that she's drugging you, that she replaced the gifts with something so tacky and lacking of familiarity with who he is, especially compared to the actual gift that was thrown out. Will it make him wonder what else Yui has disposed of, traded in, how many other times he'll recall his father admitting that he didn't know this event was on this date that she didn't tell him?

There are SO MANY fissure cracks forming under Kousuke's feet and at the end of the day HOW is he supposed to deal with it, when you can't trust your mom, the people she hires, maybe your family? When you realize that she's been drugging you, that she's been driving that wedge between yourself and your father, that she's ensured you are dependent and reliant upon her, that she has access to all aspects of his life there is nowhere he can evade her he has nowhere to escape to.

GOD IT'S ALL JUST SO INSAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!

I still can't get over him using Nol's phone - the concept of NOL - to anchor himself, to ground him as he's reeling from a horrifying realization too big to digest, too overwhelming to handle. It's Nol who he tethers himself to, Nol he uses as a distraction, to pull himself out of these thoughts.

THE TRAGEDY OF THESE BROTHERS WILL NEVER CEASE TO GET TO MEEEEEEEEEEE I'M HOWLING

And then on the flip side we know aaaahhhhhh the long-awaited Dieter and Nol talk is COMING. I just knew it, when Dieter said he'd just go back home and they'll go visit Nol together tomorrow that he was lying and he absolutely was going to see Nol on his own, duh, we all saw that coming but I AM STILL LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! But I'd like to actually acknowledge WHY I am and what I look forward to, since it's not solely about the romance at play.

What Dieter saw when Shinae and Nol thought he was asleep wasn't just that his fears, the things he suspected, had been right all along. It wasn't just that he saw the girl he likes and his best friend flirting. It was all the things he realized he didn't know.

Dieter already made a comment about it - that they didn't realize how bad things were between the brothers and "some friends we are". Because on some level, Dieter has acknowledged it's true - there were so many things about Yeonggi worth questioning that they just didn't, whether it was because Nol isn't forthcoming about the answers, or because he was afraid of pushing him away. We even saw Shinae play with this concept, when she wanted to press him about his family but stopped herself because she was worried he'd run away again. That moment when Nol and Shinae's dance ends, when they have that little spat, was not Yeonggi. It was someone Dieter had never really met, because out of their group, Dieter is the one who knows the least about Nol. About his life, about his relationships. He only knows Yeonggi.

Think about this. Dieter sees Nol on tv, pleading guilty to something he didn't even KNOW about, with a name he didn't know, finding out he's the illegitimate son of Rand. That Yui isn't his mom! Nol blocks all of them, won't take their calls, won't receive them at their home. He finds Shinae in the rain crying, watches as she falls apart in his bed. Nol tells them not to contact him again and basically that he's peacing out.

And then suddenly there he is at Minhyuk's party. He didn't even arrive through the front door!

And there he is, bleeding out on the snow!

Dieter knows NOTHING. Not why Nol left. Not why he came back. Not why he hides himself from them. Not why he pushes away Shinae like he does the rest of them. Not why he cares so much about them but won't let himself have them.

Of course Dieter is hurt. His friend is a lie. His BEST friend, the first friend he made in Korea, the friend who has done everything to be a good friend to him. The friend who tried to play Cupid for him and the girl he likes. He's a LIE what about him is real? He doesn't know him! And not only that but he doesn't TELL him anything.

Dieter has no way to know that Nol has only just realized his feelings for Shiane. In fact, Dieter has been watching those feelings develop between Nol and Shinae for a while, taking note of that chemistry, the ways they veer towards each other, the different relationship that they have. And what hurts is probably not that they like the same girl (or rather, not only that, because I'm sure that hurts) but that Nol couldn't TELL him that. That he couldn't say Hey man I think we gotta talk about this I gotta get something off my chest.

Dieter probably feels like Nol can't trust him. Or maybe he feels like Nol thought so little of his feelings. Maybe he thinks he could have just hid it forever and then left and it wouldn't matter, like Dieter wouldn't have been left picking up the pieces of Shinae, yearning for a girl yearning for someone else.

It's that Nol didn't tell him anything. Nothing about his family, or who he is, or what was happening in his life. Did Dieter know that Nol was going to trial? I'm sure he had NO idea. Does Dieter even know what happened that night? That they were at the formal together? That Shinae got hurt? I don't think he does! There's SO MUCH he doesn't know.

But also.... he doesn't ask. I think he's afraid of scaring Nol off, of pushing him away, but he also knows that that makes him a bad friend, too. Nol put everyone's needs first all the time, deflects when it comes to himself and they let him. They took him at his word, even when they know better.

I want Dieter to call Nol out.

"Aren't we friends? Why can't you tell me things? Why do you keep pushing us away? Do we mean that little to you?"

And I want him to acknowledge that he, too, should have reached out more.

"I'm sorry I didn't pry more. I'm sorry I was so complacent. I'm sorry for being afraid of scaring you off by caring too much."

It's about SO MUCH MORE than just that they like the same girl. That may be an elephant in the room, but it's more about the way they've been friends. Obviously Dieter cares about Nol, but Dieter is also resigned to people walking away, to people leaving. He's so used to moving around and losing touch that perhaps he felt this was all only natural. I want him to fight for his friendship just like Shinae! I want him to call out Nol on boxing them out! We're friends so let us be there for you! We're friends so lean on us! We're friends so please share yourself with us!

Can you be okay if he left, Dieter, and just became yet another former friend?

Fight for him, damnit! ;A;

But also yes I do want him to call out Nol on how he's treating Shinae. That yeah, he's treating them all pretty awfully considering how much they love each other, but he knows what he saw and "if you're pushing her away for my sake, don't. I'm not a little child, I can handle it." I want him to remind Nol that these are not his decisions alone to make, that yEAH it impacts Shinae. What good is it if they like each other but "sorry Dieter likes you so I'm going to push my feelings away we can't do this" because if she doesn't like Dieter - and she doesn't - what does it matter? And would Dieter want to be the one standing in their way? Please. I'm begging this kid to stand up for himself, he's not going to pull a gross, possessive man treating a girl like an object to be claimed move.

Something that I must remind people again is that Dieter knew what he was doing. He knew Shinae doesn't like him like that. He knew that she and Nol have something he doesn't. He was still hopeful, he still tried - and good for him, I'm glad he did! He gave it his best and it didn't work out but at least he can't regret not trying. He hoped that maybe, over time, what exists with Nol and Shinae could develop between them but it's clear to him now that's not how it works.

Shinae didn't betray Dieter.

Nol didn't betray Dieter.

Dieter knew and he hoped anyway because sometimes all you have is hope, but he's not someone to hold that against people.

[trashlie]

what do you think nol meant when he said “even if you’re right which you aren’t” because if he meant that towards nana saying shin-ae doesn’t deserve his treatment it kind of gives the wrong impression

I think that's just Nol being a petulant child and trying to play dumb lol. Like, Nana is being straight up "I know what I overheard, I know why your friends are upset" and Nol's like "even if you're right (about me liking her and flirting with her while I thought Dieter was sleeping) which you're not (because I DON'T LIKE HER /lying) what can I even do in this position (unable to tell Shinae WHY Dieter is upset without admitting that I like her and that I think she likes me, too)" not that he thinks she deserves to be treated better.

He goes on to insist that he's not trying to be like his father, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistakes. It's not that he's denying that he's treating Shinae badly - he is well aware of that and we can see that he feels bad about it, too.

He knows very well he's been treating her badly - but he also believes that he's being a bad friend on TOP of treating her badly, and that he doesn't think he's in any position to tell her about his feelings when she's not even aware of her own feelings, when Dieter is already hurt, when he's got a girlfriend, when he's on his way to jail in a few days. He's denying this to Nana because, well, frankly, he's a teeanger LMAO When has he ever been honest about his feelings, much less in a scenario where he very much resembles his married father having an affair with his mother? He probably feels ashamed on himself on so many levels but especially in front of Nana. "Even if you're right, which you're not" is about the feelings he's denying, so don't worry! Nol knows well enough that Shinae, much like his mother didn't, does not deserve to be treated this way -- which is exactly why I am sure we will see Nol and Shinae have a talk about this. Shinae is too determined to leave things be and I have every bit of certainty that Nol and Dieter will have a very honest heart to heart - not just about Shinae, either, but about the kind of friends they've been to each other, and I hope that will shed enough light for Nol to make a good call that doesn't involve pushing Shinae around like this!

[trashlie]

(FP 235 spoilers ‼️) "if you won't let me have you" 🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️💥💥💥💥💥 *car brakes screeching* *glass shattering* *explosions* *sirens going off* *cats meowing dogs barking* *more explosions* MISS YOO MA'AM did you seriously just say that... do you even hear yourself..... maya was gagged we were all completely gagged i actually have no words. there is nothing to say. except for thank you maya and hopefully that bite doesn't leave a mark gfhsdgjfk

shinae about dieter: so nice :) so comforting :) teddy bear :) shinae about nol: HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST YOU FUCKER I WILL KILL YOUU

also alyssa? is shinae.. jealous bc he's with alyssa? is it that unbearable that he's hers and not yours?? even tho the relationship is fake??? oh my god she really is down so so soooo bad. not that it's surprising it's just different to actually see it yk. listen i knew she'd match nol's energy/intensity (bc mirrors and all) but i was NOT expecting her to hit the ceiling like that and be *this* fiery. but i absolutely love it.

just had to get it off my chest because GSHADGSHJGK i'm sure u understand <3 -lil anon 😼

oh. it's insecurity too isn't it. bc now she's subconsciously comparing herself to alyssa. pretty, talented, successful alyssa and ;A; babygirl don't go there... 💔 i've actually been wondering if/how shinae's insecurities and low self-esteem would play into this, remember how she said she didn't understand why dieter would even like her. AAAAAH :(( at least hopefully she'll remember what he said about this "relationship" last night. AHHHHHHH. ok sorry for the spam i'm gonna go lie face down in the sea now byee -lil anon 😼

LIL ANOOOOOOOOOOOOON

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHRIEKS AND SWINGS FROM THE RAFTERS

Honestly you sum it up SO WELL i will NEVER be able to top it so honestly hats off to you Lil Anon you get it YOU GET IT YOU GET IT SCREAMS AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GET IT THIS IS HAPPENING?!

IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU?!

IF I?

CAN'T?

HAVE?

YOU?????????????? MISS MA'AM DO YOU /HEAR/ YOURSELF OF COURSE SHE DOESN'T SHE'S FULLY FERAL, TO words are coming out of her mouth without thought she is NO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY ONLY RAGE RAGE RAGE AGAINSTTHE LAD

I CANNOT HANDLE THE LEVEL OF MIRRORIN THEY ARE DOING LIKE holy SHIT simultaneously figuring this out, HER ENTIRE REALIZATION MIRRORING HIS!!!!!!!!!! the same feral fucking energy lmao the next time she sees him.......... alfjafkakfjjkafjkafkakjfajkf someone NEEDS to hold her back she is SOOOOOOOOOOO DOWN BAD SOOOOOOOOOOO BAD OH MY GOD LAFKJAKJFJAFKAFJK

Someone recently messaged me with a question from quim's curiouscat that had asked if anyone in ILY is possessive and BOY FUCKIN HOWDY DID SHINAE GIVE US HER ANSWER HUH?! GODDDDDDDD

I think it's both jealousy and insecurity, though. Jealousy because SHE can't have him but ALYSSA can? EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST LEARNED THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP IS FAKE IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING HE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY. But in that moment, as Minhyuk basically describes all the things Alyssa is - she's good looking and talented, look at that body, she's famous now, she's got what she wanted - everything Shinae ISN'T. And like WE know that NONE of that means anything to Nol, that it's instead all the things Shinae is that Alyssa isn't - compassionate, empathetic, grounded, the way SHE sees Nol.

But in that moment she just feels so pale next to Alyssa, what could he EVER see in her and SHE DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE IT FOR WHAT IT IS. SHE'S SO JEALOUS AND GETS SO ROCKED BY IT THAT SHE /LEAVES WITHOUT EATING/!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She wants him SO badly - wants to see him, all of him!!!!!!!!! And Alyssa gets something she doesn't?!

But yes I also very much think it's the insecurity. She's not thinking rationally here or she'd remember what he told her about Alyssa and instead the part of her that knows, the part of her that's been acting on this, what's between them, sees how she stacks up against Alyssa and how, at face value, she can't stand against her!

I'm hoping that maybe getting some sleep will bring back the pragmatic side of her brain but hey, if she has to... charge in to Nol's room this evening after she wakes up and confront him in order to be reminded then HEY BE MY GUEST SHINAE. GO AHEAD ALFJKAKFJFAKJAFKJAFKAKFJJAKFJKAFJKAF LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ngl there's a part of me that SO BADLY wants and NEEEEEEEDS Shinae to have a moment of jealousy that slips out, the whole "if I can't have you" the "she gets to?" something that makes him remind her that Alyssa has none of him, that she never has, and that if anyone has him it's HER IT'S SHINAE THE ONE STANDING RIGHT THERE THE ONE WHO TOOK HIS HEART WHEN HE WAS LOOKING THE ONE WHO'S ROCKED HIS WHOLE WORLD.

Have you ever stopped to really consider the fact that like.... Nol just woke up from NEARLY FUCKING DYING and the first thing he does is realizes "OH MY GOD I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SHINAE" lmfao like. DUDE ALMOST DIED AND HE'S JUST HAVING AN AWAKENING OVER HERE LMAO

They're both going through ALL the stages of puberty in one go (don't think I missed those smutty mangas I HAVE EYES) and it's SO FUNNY. The moodiness, the irritability, incapable of handling their too big emotions, denial, embarrassment, the "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO HAVE FEELINGS".

Shinae's gonna roll up to Nol's room like I'M HERE TO RETURN EVERYTHING YOU STOLE FROM ME but THERE'S ONE THING HE STOLE THAT HE CAN'T RETURN SHINAE NANNER NANNER NANNER THAT'S HIS HEART NOW

/SHRIEKS

Maya really was us she really got up to bat and hit it home for us. "I like this part" BITCH YOU SAID IT, WE DO, TOO. It was SO meta, sooooo good. "MY BOY PROBLEMS ARE REAL, HELP ME!" absolutely BROKE ME. One day Shinae is trying to pretend she doesn't care what people say behind her back and suddenly she is yakking poor Maya's ear off about a boy who IS SO CLEARLY STUPIDLY HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HER AFKLKJAFKJAFKJAFKJAFJLKAFJKAFKJAFJKAJKFAJFK

the way she just. LOOKED at Shinae and KEPT WATCHING HER rant and rave SHE IS US AND SHE DID THIS FOR US HURRAH also yes i hope ur feral cat Shinae bite mark heals fine lkjfkjafkjafkafkj LMAO

[trashlie]

Someone: why do you ship AeGi?

Trashlie: it's about THE FOILS!

And you are so right! How can I not compare every partner they have to the person who already fulfills most of their needs and fundamentally understands them in a way no one else can. You didn't even mention ShiTer 😭 even though Dieter is a good love interest unlike Alyssa. But they don't feel right, do they? Like they wouldn't quite get each other in the long run and are better off as friends. Shinae needs to discern that difference between platonic love and romantic love. I do believe Nol expected her as his girlfriend to pay more attention to him and hopefully really notice him. The slow disappointment must've taken several blows to his self-esteem. He needs to learn he deserves the love he nurtured. I still have your WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU?!!! tag stuck in my head just so you know!

I'm absolutely answering these out of order because I have been laughing ALL DAY at this because I CANNOT DENY THIS. IT'S TRUE. IT'S THE FOILS!!!! lmao ngl ILY has been really furthering my love for parallels and the way everyone lines up with a foil or mirror just makes me FERAL. Also I have to let you know: i could not remember what that tag was or from what post it was, even though I knew it def sounded like something I'd write lmao, but the point is: I CANNOT EXPRESS JUST HOW FLATTERED and dare I say AWED I am that a tag from that long ago has stuck around with you so long. Like. I cannot verbalize it, it's so hard, I'm SO SINCERELY overjoyed that my words stick with people, when half the time I feel like my tags are feel barf that didn't make it into my post. (And truly WHO WOULD they be without each other huh? WHO WOULD THEY? THE IMPACT THEY'VE HAD ON EACH OTHER, THE INFLUENCE, THE PUSHES. I'M CONVINCED SHINAE WILL MAKE SUCH AN IMPACT ON NOL BECAUSE THAT'S WHO THEY ARE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO WHO ARE THEY WITHOUT EACH OTHER? ROARS) But truly THANK YOU for telling me that it honestly made me happy all day long, I had to go tell a friend about it even though she doesn't read the webtoon because I needed someone to know how much it means to know my words just... stick lmao

But speaking of our beloved foils!

I didn't bring up Shieter because the main contrast we've had to Aegi is Nolyssa, but I do not deny that Shieter foils them in its own way, too. I was talking about this with a couple different people, I think, because if Nolyssa shows the more sound structure and foundation to Stalkyoo, Shieter highlights their mutual elevated importance.

Let's get into under the cut!

I know I've talked about this a lot in different posts but I'll go ahead and reiterate it: I still think there's an opportunity for Shinae and Dieter to date but after 153, I really started to change how I think about it. Dieter is one of the more perceptive characters of the story and I think he's the one with just enough neutrality (used loosely here lol) to see things more clearly than, say, Nol with his wounded self esteem or Shinae who is still learning to process how she feels about people. I don't think Shieter is constructed simply to be a love triangle (and I really do think there's still a likelihood that they will date for some time!) but to also provide some nice illumination about Stalkyoo.

We can already see that Dieter is starting to put things together - he knows he isn't the most important person in Shinae's life. There are numerous moments where Shinae runs into Dieter and Soushi and immediately asks after Yeonggi - even during times when he couldn't possibly be with them (like the night Kousuke took her to the arcade). I think there's also significant weight to Dieter being the one to console Shinae in 152 and 153, because even as a love interest (or maybe AS a love interest), Dieter picks up on things.

It's not difficult for him to understand the enormity of the pain Shinae is experiencing, to feel the weight of Yeonggi's betrayal, because Dieter has been getting to know Shinae over the course of several months. And while several months doesn't give him enough insight to know who she is as a person, there are some integral truths that people know about her. For one, Shinae does not easily express vulnerability. When he and Soushi found her paralyzed in the rain, face streaked with rain and tear tracks, desolate, Dieter was able to put two and two together.

To consider this foil, let's first consider another (lol just full of em aren't I?).

What other friendship did Dieter witness fall apart?

He was there with Shinae after she and Maya fought and Shinae was faced with the reality that Minhyuk made Maya and Rika promise to be her friend. Her suspicions were reality. I'm definitely not trying to downplay Shinae's hurt, because she outright tells Dieter she is. I think it's also worth noting that Shinae already suspected that her friends didn't really like her, so finding out everything was all "fake" isn't exactly the same as with Nol, but it's still worth comparing, because it's given Dieter a sort of benchmark of measure. The Shinae that he knows has never broken down in front of him and hasn't been QUITE this vulnerable. (This is not a dig at the times she HAS been. I think they still matter!)

The point I'm making is: the only other time Dieter has seen Shinae hurt/betrayed by friends wasn't to this same intensity. (Notably, both times Dieter has been the one to get her to stop beating up herself!) So to find Shinae in this state in the rain, to sit by as she mourns and grieves, as her hurt gives way to an anger she didn't express for Maya and Rika. Comparing these two scenarios, Dieter can see that Nol has a heightened level of importance to Shinae. His betrayal hurts more, because he means more, because she's opened up more of herself to him than she had to Maya and Rika.

And when you think about it, does Dieter even know the things that Shinae and Nol have been through? Does he even know she was a the Kim formal? Does he know about her fall? She's never told him, Nol likely wouldn't tell him.

Dieter himself doesn't really know about the experience that they shared that brings Shinae to value Nol as friend, but it's easy for him to tell that they have a deep bond. And it's not just the banter that he's envious of or the ease they have around each other - I think Dieter is able to deduce this based on the way he's known Shinae to act with others. Given that he had a crush on her back when Minhyuk was still in school, his crush has endured a long time, meaning he also knows that Shinae developing these friendships is pretty unusual for her.

Now, I don't want to sell our guy short! Like Nol, Shinae has had some experiences with Dieter that Nol has not been a part of, and they're often experiences that have lead to her opening up and being vulnerable with Dieter. Admitting to him her doubts about her friends at the amusement park, opening up to him when those doubts became truth and even expressing worry that Minhyuk was her friend out of pity, she called him when she caught her sister/the intruder. More and more, she and Dieter have been building up moments where she has also come to trust him. I do think this is probably deliberate, opposite her build up with Nol, due to how similar they are in theme: both of them are people Shinae is starting to trust more and be vulnerable with.

But I do think Dieter and this pairing is constructed as a foil to highlight the level of importance Nol and Shinae place upon each other.

Don't get me wrong - I think Shinae and Dieter could have a nice, cute, relationship, and I think he's a great first relationship for her for that reason! Someone who she can experience opening up to and pushing her own boundaries. Opening your heart to friendship and opening your heart to love are two similar but still different types of vulnerability, and with her lack of experience, it can be difficult to discern which is which. And I think a relationship with Dieter would help Shinae come to discern what is platonic and what is romantic - or more importantly, what is it she'd want out a relationship at all? Romantically, she DOES gravitate towards Dieter and I think the feelings she's developing are real but something to consider is also: are her developing feelings in response to his steady interest in her? Is she mirroring back his crush? That's not to like, downplay her feelings. I'm not implying they're fake, but rather that they may have been born BECAUSE of the interest he's taken in her, the way it makes her feel special, the way it comforts her to know that someone has been seeing these little exposed parts of her and still maintains interest. It helps her to see him that way, too, as someone who is capable and trustworthy with hot man hands lol.

This is obviously speculation but I do think Shinae gravitates towards trust and comfort, which is why both Nol and Dieter are the people who she is able to open up to the most in this manner. I mean, I'll admit that yes timing is a big aspect of it. Had Nol been the person to find Shinae when she was upset about Maya, he would have been the one comforting her. But that's the choice in writing - the writer deliberately chooses how those scenes unfold, and because it was Dieter who found her, their friendship deepened and strengthened, and that part of Dieter shook her romantically.

Still, I think a major point of issue in their friendship would probably be Nol, supposing, you know, we are talking about a point where Nol has reconciled with them. This is where we get really suppositional because I don't know where we are going plotwise: will Nol reconcile somehow before he goes off to jail, will it be at graduation, or worse, after a timeskip of some years? (The latter scenario obviously leaves the most room for a shake up: consider Shinae and Dieter dating somewhere down the road and out of the blue, Nol reappears. Would Shinae go through a myriad of emotions, hovering between fighting spirit and the urge to reconcile? Would they all meet and reconcile and she find herself in conflict? This is so dramatic lol bear with me.) But I think the whole point of their foils is to show that Nol is someone who has a higher level of importance in Shinae's life than a LOT of people. Even though he's blocked her and refusing to meet, she still messages him that she misses him. Shinae is still holding out hope he'll come back to them.

And I think 152 and 153 were moments of Dieter acknowledging this. I don't think it would stop him from pursuing her, or whatever, especially if Nol doesn't reconcile with them any time soon. And you know what? Even knowing this, I think Dieter might play with fire, especially if Shinae is the person to make the first move. I get the feeling that, like Nol, Dieter does not easily resist Shinae even when he knows better. There's other contrasts we can gather, though I don't know how much weight and bearing they hold. Compared to her relationship with Nol, Shinae's relationship with Dieter is quite mild and gentle, definitely not so tumultuous, which makes for a great first relationship where you explore what you like and want, indulging in the comfort of someone's affections while reflecting on if this and they are what you really want.

I don't think Shinae sees any of her moments with Nol as romantic, no matter how intimate and tender some of them have been, so it's not like I think they'd play at the back of her mind. But I wonder if, in a relationship, she would ever find herself comparing to something like that, anyway?

Something else of note worth mentioning is that in the same way Nol lives in Kousuke's shadow and feels invisible with everyone, I think to some degree Dieter feels like he's in Yeonggi's shadow. It's definitely not to the same degree and it's not like he has a chip on his shoulder or anything, but Dieter knows he does not have Yeonggi's easy charm and banter, his particular humor, his easy going demeanor. He knows that he is an easily overlooked kind of person and in his mind, is probably not special. I think there's even a sort of... I don't want to say expectation, but I don't think it's a surprise for Dieter to realize that Nol means so much to Shinae. Firstly, because Nol means so much to HIM so he gets it. If he couldn't resist him, how could Shinae? And secondly, compared to Nol, who would see anything in him?

Obviously, Dieter brings more to the table than he realizes, and I don't know if he's aware JUST HOW SOFT Shinae is on him, but when you're comparing yourself to your attraction, charming, funny friend who is just so good with people, of course you'll feel you fall short.

Also, let's not forget that Soushi has sometimes seemed to harbor a crush on Alyssa... but Nol was the one who ended up dating her. Definitely... something to that, if it ever turns out Soushi's crush was real and Nol and Shinae end up together.

Unexpectedly lol this is SO long and I haven't even gotten to the last part of your ask!! But yes, I think Dieter and Shinae have an incredible quality for friendship, but in the long run, I don't know if he'll be what she wants, if only because the level of importance that Nol possesses makes it so hard to compete with that. Maybe this will change, as time goes on, and we'll see Shinae well and truly fall in love with Dieter, and his confidence improve as their relationship grows. But you are right, I cannot ignore the parallels or the foils. the way Nol and Shinae echo each other in 152 after they part, feeling heavy, their throats hurting. HELLO what is that if not their mutual anguish over losing each other HUH? HUH????

One last point I'd like to make here, too, is that another example of Nol's impact on Shinae and his importance is the dream she has episode 111 seems indicative that on some subconscious level, Shinae is aware that Nol is drifting out of reach, becoming difficult to reach. She reaches out to the bird but it flies away - every time she's reaching out for Nol, he slips away from her. This isn't something so much foiled by Dieter and Shinae, but because I'm talking about evidence of importance, I feel like there is good weight to Shinae LITERALLY DREAMING about her fear of Nol slipping out of reach. He's become so important to her and means so much that she's uneasy about him being out of her reach.

But yes, thinking of Nol's hopes and expectations of a relationship makes me sad. It doesn't help that he and Alyssa are so inexperienced and he probably had thought maybe when they start dating all of that will come and form. Maybe he didn't have expectations feelings would develop at all but hoped merely that, as his friend, Alyssa being his girlfriend would make him feel less alone and invisible. I wonder what girlfriend Alyssa was like before she started her idol training. Did they talk more? Was it just an awkward fumbling of hoping they'd figure out the balance and before they ever had a chance she was shoved into this career, skyrocketed by Yui? Because Alyssa had no relationship experience and Nol never complained, did she just assume he was so easy going that not communicating was no problem because she had bigger things to deal with? (Was he just a stepping stone, or ever an actual friend?) For months to become years where your girlfriend never has time for you or reaches out or responds to you... god the weight of it hurts, because it only reinforces what everyone else has made him believe: no one cares about him, he doesn't matter, he's invisible.

(I think this is very in line with things like Shinae noticing the scuffs on his knuckles from his punching bag, details that maybe no one seems to notice - or at least not call out - that he's gotten used to no one paying mind to. Shinae picking up on details startles him. She seems more than others do - which means maybe she'd see through his mask.)

I'm just waiting, WAITING for Nol to finally accept that he deserves the love and care he wants. Maybe someone just needs to really drill it into him - hound him until he can't help but admit it through sheer persistence. But Nol himself has to be able to first grasp that he is not the cause of bad things that have happened to bad people, and idk if he can adopt that mindset without therapy first. Maybe there can be a happy medium, of him trying to accept the love he wants balanced as he tries to learn that he's not the monster he thinks he is. Idk I'm just.... seeing him go through hell wears me down man. Watching him avoid his friends hurts. His self-isolation is painful and I just want him to ACCEPT them, but it's easier said than done. :/

[trashlie]

Hello! How are you? I've been reading your thoughts about ily for a while now and i love the way you analyze the characters! Have you read the latest fp? I'M GOING INSANE!

Ahhhhhh I have a lot of feelings about this last episode and I haven't been able to clearly write them up because trying to organize them and make myself write them is so hard haha! But same, nonny, I feel like I've gone feral from the last episode lmao it's such a good feeling!

Spoilers coming under the cut!

Firstmost and foremost, I am SO HAPPY Nol and Shinae finally talked - that it wasn't simply enough for her to overhear him, that there were no interruptions, that Nol didn't run away. I was pretty sure these points would be met; the build up to this moment just felt right and if quim had interrupted it by Kousuke or Nol had run away again, it would be too frustrating. Timing wise, I was PRETTY SURE it was finally happening and god it was so satisfying, SO satisfying!

Shinae made a few points that I've been yelling about for months, since Nol decided to distance himself for good:

her lack of agency in their relationship

how Nol leaving doesn't benefit anyone

that it was almost insulting that he wasn't willing to say these things to her face

Obviously for the last part, as I've talked about a length, Nol likely thought it was easier to let them think he was the bad guy and disappear, because they would all move on. Hearing Shinae talking about him to Minhyuk, I think he finally realized what he means to her, and to Soushi and Dieter. Even though she came to him in the rain that day, I think he likely expected she would give up when he was so mean and walked away, but the fact that she continued to persist and still spoke so highly of him I think made him realize just HOW MUCH the friendships had meant and that it wasn't so easy to just exit. But still, he was trying, because he believed it was best for them - and also for himself. He noted that even when he didn't want to, he still gravitates towards them. It's so much harder to keep himself away, to sever that tie. He refers to them by their family names, to create a distance, because of how strongly he feels about them. Saying it to their faces? Of course his resolve would crumble, of course he'd be swayed.

That said, Shinae still deserved to know, especially after the way she sought him out, so I'm glad she finally got to hear it. I hope they'll actually talk, together, more about what she overheard - about why he fears so much that he'll only bring them harm, about why opted for fake friendships, just TALK about the things he needs to open up about and share with people.

The other two points were so important for her to address, too. One of the issues with Kousuke is that he denies people agency and makes choices on their behalf - he decides what is and isn't good for Shinae and holds her to that, even holds Nol to it when he makes him start distancing himself from her. Shinae is given no opportunity to decide if Nol is or isn't bad for her. But Nol does the same thing to her. Not only does he honor Kousuke's demand (in fact, he is the one who steps into the moment he realizes Shinae is in danger, tells Kousuke he'll do whatever he wants if he shuts up and helps them; at that moment Nol has decided that something bad has happened to Shinae due to her proximity to him and decides to distance himself, using Kousuke's demand as cover) but he himself denies her the ability to decide, again, if he is worthy of her friendship. Like Kousuke, Nol decides that it would be in Shinae's best interests if he's not in her life, and while Nol has a much better idea of Shinae's best interests than Kousuke, he's still wrong. Shinae is a person capable of making her own choices, and she proves it by her relentless pursuit of Nol.

Something that's become really apparent about Nol is that he sees himself in dichotomies: he is either a good guy or a villain, there's no inbetween. But people are not dichotomies, we are not black and white but shades of grey and Nol is completely grey. Even though he seems unaware of it himself, his actions do come from a good place. Because of how much he's suffered, how isolated and alone he is, he knows how much these people would benefit for him his help, so he reaches out to these lonely, bullied people, to help them out. Obviously the intention isn't pure - he's doing it to absolve himself of whatever guilt he carries, to atone for something he believes his fault. He hopes that by balancing the good and the bad in the world, maybe it can change his karma, maybe he can bring good things his way, too. But if your methods aren't pure, then you don't lessen your karmic retribution, do you?

I think it's important to highlight this, too: whatever it is Nol feels guilty about, he truly believes he is guilty and at fault, and it's heinous enough that he believes he deserves the bad things that happen to him, and worse, that it's so bad that these bad things will continue to plague not only him but also people close to him by proximity. I don't think it's a stretch to assume that whatever this is deals with Nessa - it can't be about being made to think he's an unstable monster. I think it's something worse, deeper than that. For one thing, he says he was reminded of what could happen, what will happen, and how anyone close to him would get hurt. That means something has happened before, and we know that much, because when Nol is sitting in his jail cell, playing over those words "It's all your fault, she's hurt because of you". Whose words are those? That's not what Kousuke said to him (he said generally the same thing but with different words). More than likely it's connected to whatever that scene he was reflecting on was, when he was younger with the flashing lights.

it makes so much sense to me that this is about Nessa - what happened to her remains the biggest mystery and while he was know Nol had an altercation with Kousuke, "she's hurt because of you" likely isn't from that. The possibility that Yui did something to Nessa and somehow made a young, impressionable kid believe it was his own fault is not unlikely. In fact, Nol definitely carries some sense of guilt for things out of his own control: seeing himself as a mistake who wasn't supposed to exist, a child born out of wedlock to a man married to someone else. If he'd never been born, would Nessa have had reason to bring him to Rand? She would never have gone through whatever happened to her, right? Of course this is all conjecture. There's a lot of mysteries left in Nol's past (for instance, what's his connection to Yujing's dog, Senator, and how did she end up with him?) but there was heavy emphasis on the fact that the bad things happen to those who are close to Nol are inflicted by Yui, caused by Yui, as a result of Yui. And given his assertion that anyone close to him will eventually get hurt - who else is/was close to Nol who would have gotten hurt? His mom.

So all this to say, Nol truly believes that he has sins to atone for, wrongs to right, a balance of good and bad to correct. Also, the way he says it let him take control of those goods and bads makes me feel like it's partly about how he's treated - because his life is full of so much bad that he had already accepted would never change, he wanted to make things better for someone else. If he had to be miserable, he wanted to make it so others didn't have to be. But even though his intentions are selfish, I think it's still a good indicator of who Nol is at heart, beneath the warped perspective of himself. While he was reaching out to others for his own absolution, he still did it because he believed it was a good thing. That people deserved to be seen, that people didn't deserve to be bullied, that they needed to open up. He's so stifled, choking on the things he doesn't share, drowning from what weighs him down, and he reached out to Shinae full well knowing that if she never learns to open up, she'd also break.

It's by doing things to help these people that he comes to care about them. They're not just a person he's helping now - he becomes invested in them and their lives and they return to that to him. He finds that he's no longer just helping them, he enjoys them, he favors their companionship, he probably starts to crave it. Though the Yeonggi they are friends with is a fake persona, I think a lot of who he is as a friend to them is very real, and that's the person they come to love. It's not just that Yeonggi is funny or fun to be around - it's the things he does for them, the things he says, the things he notices. Especially with Shinae, Nol is always encouraging her to open up, to rely on people, to trust those who care about her, and it's what prompts her to make the changes she does. She learns how to be a present and active friend from him doing that and learns to mirror it back to everyone she cares about. Even though he was doing this to help them, trying to remove himself from the equation, it still means something to them. It's still something that develops those friendships.

So even though he didn't intend to actually become their friends, the friendship was still genuine because what he did DID help them and it made them appreciate and care about him. And that's probably what melted him. These were people he had come to care about, who treated him like one of their own, and he naturally developed into a real friend he never intended to be, and I love that so much. I love that he couldn't help but care about them, the way they couldn't help but care about him. Soushi and Shinae both had Nol's friendship essentially thrust upon them, and reluctantly came to care about him, the same way he did them, and I will never get over that. It lends so much depth to them and the ease that seems to hang around them. It's also what makes it so difficult for Nol to sever those ties. Especially following the Kim formal, which is probably when Nol realized he actually cares about Shinae, not just helping her, but as a friend, when he realized the danger he believed he put her in, and the way she had come around to care about him. That scene where he touches the spot on his coat that she'd clung to as she cried has new weight with this knowledge: all the concern she showed him, the way she opened up, the way he probably was happy for her to trust him enough to let it all out, but the belief that he was the reason she had gotten hurt, that he could never let that happen again UGH MY HEART.

And that brings me to Shinae's other point: what happened at the formal was Yui's doing, not Nol's, and it certainly had nothing to do with him allegedly being a bad guy who only attracts bad things. Even if he leaves, she's still working for the company, she's still within Yui's reach. If anything, Nol leaving means she's in more danger, because she's alone and has less back up. I think they'll find they're strong together, against a common enemy, that as a team they are able to deal with Yui more. I suspect she's not done her worst yet and we'll see even worse to come. But I think Nol's plot trajectory at the moment is beginning to become clearer. Honestly, I'd worried it would take longer to get here than it did and I don't think it's necessarily smooth sailing ahead but I do think he's made a decision. Climbing up to Shinae's level feels so symbolic of him actually facing her on an equal plane, as a real friend, as two people with some kind of mutual understanding. I do hope they'll talk more about this and Nol will open up more, but it won't happen overnight. (Also, you know, he's about to get locked up lol.)

A big part of Nol's story will be learning how to absolve himself of the guilt he carries - learning to accept bad things don't happen to him simply because, as he believes, he's bad, or else why don't bad things happen to Yui? Learning that he's allowed to indulge in friendship and care about people and let them care about him! Shinae has been chasing him for so long and he's now facing her squarely and I think we are going to see those relationships bloom more.

I'm especially enamored with the mirroring of each other's lines. Nol asking if she really meant all the things she said to Minhyuk, if that's the kind of persons he really sees him as, if she truly meant that and her "every last word" balanced by her asking the same, if he meant it all, if they're really special to him and his "every last word" GOD IT'S GOT ME HOWLING WE KNOW THAT'S MY SHIT I LOVE THAT I /LOVE/ IT. The way he faced the wall when he asked, hands touching the wall (reaching out? or just preparing for the climb?) and hoisted himself up to her. He had every opportunity to run away, but didn't. Shinae had, essentially, said goodbye and gained her closure, but Nol still chose to go to her.

He chose his friends.

It's BEAUTIFUL and my heart is so full and it's everything I wanted, so much better than if he'd been the person who asked to join her on the rooftop. They had so much they had to hash out first and it's not all finalized but I think the important takeaways for them is Nol learning how Shinae sees him, the kind of person she is in his mind (and how it's so very at odds with how he sees himself) and that even though he's hurt her, even though she knows that their friendship began as fake, even though she knows he believes he's the villain, she still wants to be his friend. Unlike Nol, Shinae is able to see him in shades of gray, in a person who has done both bad and good but has decided that the good outweighs the bad.

I really want him to come to learn and accept this: that people are full of multitudes and he can be both Nol and Yeonggi and someone who has done something bad and someone who wants to make up for it, that he can bring good into a world he may have caused harm in, that even if he's caused harm he's still deserving of love and doesn't have to deny himself the love people want to give him. GOD I have so many feelings SO! MANY! FEELINGS! They are so important to each other and I want to cryyyy!

One last point I want to make is: I AM SO GLAD that Shinae now has confirmed what she began to suspect, that Kousuke was the reason Nol was avoiding her. (I mean, like I said, I think it's more than Nol was going to do it regardless but, still.) It is yet another case of Kousuke making decisions on her behalf that he needs to stop doing. Neither Nol nor Kousuke are her parent, they shouldn't be deciding things on her behalf "for her own good" without her consent - or, you know, at all. Kousuke taking away Shinae's jacket/shield/comfort continues to be a theme that he needs to break.

[trashlie]

they both tried so hard to put on a mask only for them to call each other out ☠️ by far one of my favorite chapters so far!!! look at those parallels!!! gosh i am hurt but excited!!!

Yeah, honestly, I think this is one of my favorite chapters lmao which feels so funny to say but sometimes you just need to see your characters break before they can get better. Nol was never EVER going to address his mask - and worse, he was planning to disappear without saying goodbye to anyone, and frankly, that was really devastating for me to think about. As sad as it is to watch them like this (someone pointed out that it reads so much like a break up scene lmao) it was necessary to put those things in the open. With the way Nol believes a. No one saw through the Yeonggi mask and b. That no one really cares enough if he WERE to disappear, he was going to just carry on like this forever.

I can't get too deep into this in the moment, but Nol and Shinae both have a habit of squashing things down in effort to be "okay". In fact, Nol's whole "Maybe I should just go with it all" spiel has a lot of connotations of wanting to just lay down and accept things, because fighting is exhausting. Likewise, Shinae tends to just... roll on from things she's endured without really doing anything about them. Kinda like when things were weird with her and Maya and she didn't address it - sometimes you go with things because facing them is hard and it's scary.

I am honestly so, SO obsessed with their parallels, I'll never shut up about it. It's why even though I'm never totally certain what I think will happen in ILY, I AM always certain that Shinae and Nol will always have each others' backs and be partners, whether it's platonic or romantic, because they have been so intricately designed to always mirror each other.

(More below because I started big rambling lmao)

The masks one is especially good because the look on Nol's face when Shinae calls him out for being the same as her. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

No one ever calls him out, no one sees through him, no one ever seems aware of his mask and even if Shinae was one of them until now, the point is, now SHE is seeing into the real Nol, she is seeing beyond Yeonggi and I think that is both scary and intimate. Yeonggi was so, SO convincing - and he was a good shield. I think it's not necessarily that Nol wore a mask only to keep people out, but I think more because as Nol he hates himself SO MUCH, Yeonggi was the way he could try to put that behind him. Nol is terrible but Yeonggi? Maybe Yeonggi could be a good guy. Maybe Yeonggi could form friends. Maybe someone would love Yeonggi. (*muffled sobbing*)

Another good parallel is even the opening! They're all the lines Nol has said to Shinae as he earns her friendship, and you see the snowflake melting because it was her melting to him and letting down her guard and becoming true friends with him. He melted the cold shell she uses to protect herself. But notably, those lines are also likely her own thoughts towards him. "I want to help you." "Let's be friends." "It's not good to bottle everything up inside. You can only hold out so long before you break." Nol needs to open up, he needs to let things out, because he is at breaking point already. He is breaking.

(Incidentally, stuff like this is why I'm such an ardent shipper of this pair; they understand each other inside and out because they've both been through this, they both understand what it's like to carry something with you that you can't release yourself from, how hard it is to let someone care, both loathe to feel like a burden. They have such an innate understanding of each other that their emotional intimacy is already formed without them realizing it!)

The one that keeps haunting me lately lol is when Jayce says "You're the only heir" or whatever and it shows Nol, and when Kousuke is told "Congrats you're the new CFO" and it shows Shinae. That.... is really loaded. I'm not sure if it's going to be as face value as it sounds but at any rate, the two of them will remain involved with the Hirahara Corp (as much as I want them to run together). But I believe that whatever involvement they have in the future will be okay as long as they are a team. Shinae and Nol are just soulmates man, okay? They are SOULMATES and I'm in love with them and the way they each bring things out of each other that they need to and I can't wait to see what kind of effect they'll have on each other in the future. (I'm also hoping badly that Nol is the person who shows up on the rooftop at the party at the Parks', because pls I want them to reconcile now rather than 4.5 years in the future lol)

UGH I just love them and I love this episode I'm SO happy to gush about it with people after all these weeks AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH